The Joe Rogan Experience #58 - Jason Mayhem Miller

in this fight and he could

whoops and people can say all they want about

sakuraba is old and he’s

definitely he’s definitely old

definitely but dude you dismantled him

yeah that was like the most

the cleanest most like precise performance

of your career yeah i think so yeah

i was just like alright do this this and this dude

you did it all

perfect it was perfect it was just perfection poor guy

yeah that’s business you know his business business

yeah i’m gonna get old and hopefully

hopefully he’ll slide out before that guy

after melvin manhof he

should have been like wait wait wait wait what’s up

exactly yeah

dude business that’s business it’s like you know

it’s kind of like

a guy i looked up to for so long yeah and one of those

things like

you know i feel

a big respect to the guy and i feel like

a lot of my career

is due to him

so yeah well for

those who don’t follow

mixed martial art

sakuraba is a

famous japanese guy who was

one of the first guys to beat the gracie’s

he fought a

bunch of them you know he

fought hoist

a couple of times they fought for 90

yeah i mean

he’s just that that is

as legacy as legacy gets yeah he’s

a you know you list like all time favorites god damn

sakurabas on everybody’s list some of

those fight to the end

fucking always fuck that’s

what i mean by what i mean by that is that yeah

i like exactly the

mentality they

would always take into a

fight is what i did

when i was younger

yeah so like

i mean you know like what i always like was like

thinking that’s what

you know they

built my own

what you have to be to be a

fighter that’s what it

built my value system

like yeah you have to do that

which kept me

you know working hard and

mixed martial arts

all the way to this

point you know like something so i have to

is that you want to

fight him i’m like

yeah i have to

fight him like right

i respect you know i can

oh no i’m not

gonna i’m not

gonna fight sakura

you know like come

on i’m gonna

fight saga robin

someone’s gonna

fight him you get win and

what other place

in life you get to walk up to your hero and

punch his fucking face oh

what where did that happen

you’re my hero

i get to punch your fucking face god

damn what a trip that must have been dad

you know what i mean like i was like man you’re my hero

but i’m gonna

try to smash you

right is what

is there a moment in your

your mind in the fight

while you’re

realizing you’re doing this are you so yeah yeah

for sure you were realized yeah because i remember the

exact moment that i was like

i got him in this

one move and then i like put it put my hand on his face

and i put my hand on his face and

punched him and i’m like man i’m

punching sakuraba

right now wow

there’s that

brief like little

blink of a moment when you went back

yeah and i was like

yeah gotta be about i was like

to me i was like okay i’m a robot

like i wrote i wrote for fight magazine before that

i’m a robot or no i think it’s on my blog

and i wrote i’m a robot in there i just like

go in there and like i feel like i’m driving a

robot so i’m just doing this

you know like

right you know i’m just doing like i’m behind my eyes

playing video games

right you know i mean i’m playing xbox

right now is

that the best way to keep emotions out yeah fuck yeah

cause i thought

like messed up my

fights before i’m like god

you kill them

and then i’m like oh i’m

tired right now like what the

hell you know you

gotta be get looked out yeah it’s more for me at

least i know some guys have to get more psyched up

you know but for me i just know that i have to like

chill myself out so i don’t go to bananas so you just

fight just yeah just do it like a robot yeah

but every once

while you gotta go

into your crazy gene and get retard string

and that’s when

you’re in a bad spot no yeah that’s when you just

gotta get like i gotta

hulk out of this like hulk

mania that was

what remember when you were

fighting gsp

and that’s what yeah i know it’s

famous yeah

what’s his face

why am i blanking on his name i don’t know mark

lehman mark lehman

jesus christ

blankin on mark

lehman’s name

but when mark lehman

was yelling

retard strength and i was saying his corner

is yelling out retard strength

wait you said that i said

it in the air it became

famous it became

famous yeah retard

oh i remember no i remember people

are like because i was like i wanted everybody to know

i’m like his corner is calling out for retards

like you need to know this you

know that’s awesome

layman is the shit man layman is he’s a

not easy just

not only just a really good jujitsu instructor

yeah it’s like a cool dude to talk to no he’s a

smart guy super

smart like the motor guy

smart i know yeah such a

smart dude that’s why so many

jujitsu you know he

breaks things down you know it’s uh

he’s a fascinating dude

he’s a character i love that guy yeah

he’s a fascinating dude

jiu jitsu is filled with fascinating people

that’s what

a lot of people don’t

understand they’d

think of jiu

jitsu as being like some sort of a meathead thing

no but like

art it’s just for people that don’t know that they

think that though but i mean a lot of the guys that we

train with are like computer guys

or like guys who have

not that athletic

back in the day like i felt like

jiu jitsu is this like

exclusive and expensive thing

you know i mean like the

like not many

people did it but the people who did it were like

well educated and right

because they know

the latest thing

right and it was

brazilian jiu

jitsu you know

so when i remember i

would be in there

broke as hell

you know training and then there

would be like

lawyers and you know doctors and chiropractors and

right whatever

you know like i’m just like some poor kid like i

would go to the gyms

you know it is expensive that does keep a lot of

like i keeps out the riff raff

yeah that’s a

funny way of

thinking it

right jiu jitsu

super expensive

yeah you know well not anymore

really about

not anymore

slot guys have it like a buck 75 a

month 250 a

month like i read that all over the place yeah

250 a month

dude that’s

strong money

that’s strong

money if you’re making like you know 700

a week which like a lot of people are

that’s what you

bring home if

you’re doing well you’re doing pretty well there

and then it

was 250 a month

where do you

see that where did

wait wait what

what’s jim are you driving by

right now joe rogan

what’s not driving by i’m like reading shit online

i’m looking at

people how much people charge for people put

their prices

and i think henzo’s or

somewhere around there i think

john jacques

jax over like

175 with the

especially when

a lot of people use it as an exercise and i pay like 39

a month for my

jam you go down there it’s

different you go down there

you go down there you

could talk them down

yo you could talk machado

down just talk them down

just come on he’s a cool guy

i wouldn’t i

wouldn’t it’s

worth everything and more

he’s great he’s a

great but i

understand where people

if people are broke

i understand no i’m saying if i was a broke

motherfucker i

would roll up in there and be like dude

come on man

just give me some jiu jitsu

just a little bit

just give me some bro and

i’ll show you some

like six weeks out don’t worry

come on man i’ll pay you

that’s cute

i don’t like this new

setup look at this what’s

why why don’t you guys

it’s me and red band sitting here man yeah

that’s so we

see each other

but now we look like we’re in goddamn

aliens like we’re in the bunker

right now we’re in a bunker

over here and joe rogan is missile command right now

joe rogan is like or i’m

touching you

right here buddy i can’t even tell over there room

right now shouldn’t be paying attention to these

electronics you just looking at the

screen no this

i know but this is what everyone else sees

no most people

we’re like wearing

a bunker me and red banner in a bunker right now

like joe rogan

it’s somewhere in this house

joe rogan is here

i guess people don’t sometimes they just listen

most people are listening oh my bad

it’s a tiny fraction that

actually watching

man but what

about my screenshot

what about my

screenshot like this guy is loud as fuck oh

man what is he

talking about

yeah yeah they don’t even know

what you’re talking

about yeah oh

well here’s the

punch line everybody

is the computer

screen i was talking about

he’s looking at the computer

screen with the live viewers are saying

jason may and

it looks like taking

some big shots

since the last

time i seen

him yeah i’m taking

some shots man

but hey what what’s the deal with

what is the most you’ve ever felt like

after a sparring session

or after a fight

like what’s the most you ever felt like whoa

i just got to settle the fuck down

yeah what’s the most

do you remember

a fight or or sparring session or

i don’t know

cause you’ve had some

crazy spartans i had some dumb ones like veroni

you and bronis to

roni you slam it out

use the damn

box it out like yeah man i’m like yeah this is fun

like where but

afterwards you like oh man i’m stupid

right now yeah yeah yeah there’s a lot of guys i mean

how many guys do you know that that did that too much

and they’re just not there anymore

i don’t know

it’s a few guys

right i know one guy

42 i know a few guys yeah

starting to know guys guys that used to be okay now

they’re not well i mean i don’t really know nick diaz

but you know i’m saying right

if you don’t

if you don’t know

this has been addressed on a previous podcast with

jason mayhem miller but there was a big incident at cbs

where jason got into the cage and asked jade

shields a question he got jumped by everybody

and it was nuts it was

nick diaz was one of the guys that was involved and

did he throw the

first punch as that was allegedly is that what happened


with all three

other people

it was the best

it’s probably the best

picture ever

me and my hands are like what’s up guys

so ridiculous

the whole thing

is so ridiculous

it was so unnecessary

so unnecessary on so many fronts

and then we talked

about this last time but we

should bring it up

again i think it was bullshit that you got in

trouble for it

i think i go he got jumped he got assaulted yes

he shouldn’t have been in the cage but

doesn’t mean you

should be assaulting him

and i don’t even

think it’s their

fault because it’s so many

fucking people in the cage shouldn’t have been in there

you can’t have that many people in the

cage so you

should be blaming

right now blaming

strike force for letting

those you guys get

close to each other

they should have been

regulating it

they should have

watched the cage

i think they were fucked up to jump you

for sure but i

think the reason why

they jumped you is you were allowed to get in that cage

you shouldn’t have been allowed to

you should have had it all set up

it should have been like

how they would deal to the ufc

like if you were

going to come in

and you were

going to challenge him

after a fight

you would wait and then when

jake was done

talking then we’d say all

right now i have

a guy who would really love to sit down and talk to you

right now jason mayhem miller and you

would come in

so it’s like respectful

they fucked up by just

leaving the door open

yeah what are you

gonna leave the door open dudes get hyped up and like i

want to fuck

yeah when you want to

do something


on tv so i’m sure you’re

thinking like fuck what am i doing i’m

gonna get in

alright here we go i’m just

gonna do this now

like it makes perfect sense yeah

i was like yeah let’s do this

there’s very little filter on my brain

were you sober

at the time yeah totally sober yeah i was like

hmm is this a good idea

i just fought

earlier that night

right that’s

right that’s

right that night so i was already

still psych yeah okay

yeah exactly so i was real pumped i mean

you know right

i don’t know and then

all of a sudden

we’re getting

i’m in a bra

and i tweet

whoops so you

start up this website don’t be scared

homie com because

nick diaz is is

it difficult to get a

fight with him is that what’s going on

what’s the actual real

scared honey

all i know is

what i read on the internet tell me what’s

going on man he says

don’t be scared

homie all the time

right that’s his

he says don’t be scared

right that’s his little tagline i

stole it it’s mine now

that’s awesome

and look the guy so you own don’t be scared homie com

and that side is all

dedicated to you getting a fight with nick diaz

well you know to me i like yeah

definitely you

are a nightmare

did you imagine if

you pissed mayhem off and mayhem was coming after you

what a nightmare he’s relentless

he’s relentless

like you’re in this it’s not like

you’re just calling some

random personnel you’re calling a guy out who’s an

mma fighter

who you have it all to

deal with he fights that he

fights that you know he’s fought so many times

183 he always

fights there

but then when it’s me

somebody he’s talked shit about like

for years the guys talk shit

about me and without saying my name all these guys

these f bombs with painted hair

these joe rogan words with painted hair and

you know you’d like

he’s you know he said all these terrible things

about you yeah

why was so what is the and but yeah and

when it comes down to signing a contract what is this

problem issue

is his manager comes on on

answers oh yeah well

he fights at 178

i’m like okay cool

i’ll fight aleister ovary

he just has to make one ninety

that’s it i’ll fight him i’ll fucking fight this

motherfucker this weekend i bet you look one ninety

he’s gonna make one ninety

right yeah i mean

he’s almost

loose can you push that yeah

wow it hurts my ears oh sorry bro

there we go

just loose a bit here let’s go this

way i got it i got it come on don’t touch me red man

so he wants

he’s saying that he wants you to get down to 178

which is highly unlikely

he would be so

trained they

wanna do it in january

like yeah there’s no way and jason used to

fight he fought in the

ufc at 170 and you saw me i was a goddamn

skeleton god dude i was a skeleton

it was the dumbest

thing i ever did you were so i was like what

yeah i was like why did i do that like i was

amazing dude you and i had a conversation

about it where i was yelling at you

was like you can’t do this man don’t this

that shit is too i’m like

i’m like this is too much man this ain’t good

this there’s a lot of guys men that i

think fight better

when they don’t have to cut weight they

just feel better like look how much better bj looked

in his last fight and

i don’t know if that’s just the way they

match up with him and matt hughes

but he just looked like

going into the cage

he did not look healthy when he made

155 the last

time he always does he always looks a little

drawn out yeah

he always looks

great during the

fight time but

he always looks a little drawn

out that takes

something out of you man that’s a

magic that you don’t man it’s hard to do like you make

sure you know even cutting a little bit of weight is

scheduling yourself

really well you know what i mean and like

yeah be one

the right way

yeah exactly suck the

water out the

right way and you know

rehydrate the

right way you use ivs

yeah yeah yeah you

should always use iv

of course because i hear

about some guys don’t like to use them like goddamn

you know yeah i

feel like they’re doing something

gross so they’re

sticking a needle

in them you know i mean yeah whatever that’s science

yeah put more

in there that’s the way to do it if you’re

gonna do it at all

yeah because i mean you have to drop weight that’s the

thing like that’s

what do you think

about guys like frankie

edgar guys that

just don’t cut any weight at all to just

fight it what they

fight at now

i mean you know

that’s awesome

do you think there’s a benefit to that there’s

gotta be a benefit physically

right for sure you

don’t have to cut the weight so you don’t have to like

damage yourself that bad how much do you

damage yourself if you had a i don’t know man i think

sitting in a hot

box for a long time will take years off your life for

sure oh fuck

yeah yeah thanks

he reached in and

adjusted the microphone like he was

changing the collar on a tiger

i pre planned it for like 10 or 15

seconds i was looking at it like alright i’m just

gonna go in there real quick and do it

i even thought about

hey jason look at that over there i’m doing one of

those things so if you let me get back to the subject

cause this is a fascinating subject for me yeah

if you lose weight say if

say what do you walk around i like 210 something

like that yeah well actually

less than that 207 now

when you get to the point

where you’re about to cut weight like when you’re in

training camp when do you

start to dehydrate yourself

take like just a couple of days three days

well two really

and so when you start at two

how heavy are you

i don’t know

two oh probably two or three

okay two or two

so you gotta lose somewhere between 15 17

pounds yeah yeah wow yeah and

in three but i mean but i’m already reduced my calories

at the beginning of the week

so that i’m losing some

like you salad like i’m just i’m really light and

most of my calories are from

like you know

water calories

you know so i’m like hydrated then boom

and then drop my drop my weight already down there

yeah i mean i know it’ll take some

time off your life because i’m sitting in the sauna

box with the damn

plastic suit on doing hobbies

right one two

three four five six so you

think the benefit

that gives you yeah

age is well

worth it well i mean both

both of us are doing it

so you know

i mean like both guys are like bigger anyway isn’t that

crazy though yeah

what the hell you

every little

every competitive edge i know but

every guys both trying to find you’re both doing it

is it a competitive edge

yeah i mean

it would be better if you

could just shake if i

shake hands and

yeah just say listen man

yeah crazy everybody’s nervous yeah

whatever right

yeah i know it’s a fun thing

to be like that yeah i wish we could just

shake hands like yo let’s just do it like this weekend

bro like you know

like no cutting way come on

like let’s just

step off our bar

stools right now

the cutting weight

thing is i think it’s a very unfortunate situation

where guys hey man

look you’re not fucking doing it bro it’s a fucking

headache it’s the only

part of my job that i’m like this is bullshit and

it’s only part of my job like man i wish i

could just go hey dude let’s just let’s keep it real

right now no big deal

the fights would be better too right

maybe we have more energy

but that was the question like how much

what percentage do you

think it takes away from you say if you’re at 100

at 210 like this

right now i don’t know man i want to say 100

i’m back i want to say that

yeah i want to say that you

rehydrate you get back to 100

i think so i

think 24 i’ve had it

we’re all like i’m like yeah 24

hours down to a science yeah yeah when i’m 24

hours most of

i fucked up before for sure

like i’ve had bad

equipment and that kind of thing the fucking

in chicago we didn’t have a damn dry sauna

oh really yeah

no dry sauna it’s you know so what do you do then

you turn the heat on or

something oh my god we’re in there anyway trying to cut

sweat the weight

out and it took forever and i was fucking dying

and i forgot to go five five he’s

twenty five

but you know five by

twenty five you know but damn

um what do you call it up

it’s just like part of the game you know so what

right don’t cry

about it you

chose this life

right so you just figure

out another way to cut what do you do if you don’t

have a sauna so you have to cut how many pounds of

water are you trying to cut by the last day

tanish tanya

so what it well maybe like

yeah i’ve tried to be make it like nineish

but i i’ve cut weight perfect before but

but you know sometimes it’ll be ten or eleven and i was

so how do you do that if you don’t have a sauna

does anyone try to trick you by you we did

it bro i did it before that fight

yeah but you said you didn’t have a sauna

right yeah we didn’t have a sauna

but i did what you do it was a

steam room it was a steam room

oh so you did it in a

steam room yeah

wow yeah so we didn’t have the same thing

right you sweat it out right

like is it the same it’s not really

the same moisture on you yeah cool

it off so it takes longer makes

you die but you know whatever

i just worked that just mean i had a bike harder and

stuff like that i had to like

sweat myself out

worse you know

so you think that

after the ivs and

everything like that

your performance is at 100

your capacity

or close enough and you do it

right if you

do it right if you fuck up i mean

that’s just how it is man there’s a fucking science

issue yeah of course i mean but you know and my man

my coach knows how much i sweat

like he’s like oh

we got it timed out about

right like oh he’s got to do this

right you know what i mean like we time

it because everybody is different

right yeah and a good

coach has to recognize that and be working with a

bunch of different guys see a

bunch of different variant

different yeah different

yeah some dudes you

can’t really cut that much weight they get to a certain

point their body just don’t work anymore yeah

and some dudes can do it some dudes can do huge

superhuman amounts yeah

you know like

tiago alves

like glace and

t bow what the fuck dude

yeah glace and

t bow fights at 155

and the dude is huge he’s gigantic

when he gets in the cage he’s got these

bodybuilder arms and back and shit and you’re like this

motherfucker weighs 155

he looks like he’s easily 185

he looks like he’s 30

pounds heavier

man i don’t know what he actually

weighs when he gets in the cage

they do that with boxing they make the guys

weigh in the day of

i don’t think they want to see

those numbers in the usa

i know they’re so different i don’t want i don’t

think they want to see no 30s yeah

you might see a

thirty hey alvez you

might see a

thirty you might see a

two hundred

two hundred

pound welterweight

holy shit dude

that’s a lot of goddamn weight to lose

i don’t know how

these guys do it

they all have different methods and

every camp has like

their own dude who’s the master at that shit

who’s at what camp is the best

at cutting weight there’s some camps are just known

for cutting

tremendous amounts of weight like att they’re

known they cut

top team they’re

known for doing it they

cut a lot of weight i don’t know do they have a guy how

does that work do they have like one guy who’s like the

the master trainer and master weight cut strategist

i don’t know

how do you guys get there yeah that

does ryan yeah ryan

watch yeah he what

more more so

you need somebody who can

because you kind of know yourself

so moreover

you need somebody to like

know exactly when to do it like be your

coach you know what i mean right

through it so

ryan ryan he knows how to you know

let’s do it

you guys have such an interesting relationship now

for people to know ryan

is ryan parsons is

he’s been around

for you know

many many years

coach some of the

great guys in the business

spend a lot of time with dan henderson

and randy couture and

he’s a brilliant guy a very

very brilliant guy and he’s

a manager and

trainer to you and just a couple

other finders you and

king mo and

this new guy what’s his name pat yeah pat

pat what’s his name durkin

and just a few

he works with just a few guys

you guys have like this incredibly tight relationship

man that’s a trip you know

good guy great guy

great guy and

but the whole

setup the way you guys have it you know

like this one guy

running around

training and

managing this fucking

select group of killers

and guiding them

yeah it’s an

interesting situation yeah it is it’s

great it’s like you know we

tight knit group and we all

train hard and

whatever you know it’s like we don’t need to

open the flood gates and

right right yeah yeah

individualized attention is

definitely better

right yeah definitely

definitely in

a core tight

group that you can totally completely

count on yeah

yeah that’s a good team

you know we’re a team but we’re not like

hey everybody come

hang out with us and

play with us

right we’re a tight knit team

yeah for people who don’t like

you’re such a wild dude you’re always

crazy and yelling and shit but you’re very disciplined

you know and that’s what people probably

either wouldn’t

expect or don’t understand

you’re very disciplined like

even though you’re wild hard man you don’t show up for

fights out of shape yeah

you know i mean

maybe there’s one or two times in your

whole career

where you haven’t

taken someone as seriously as you

should have

but you’re pretty goddamn discipline

yeah i yeah i am i’m a dork

i like i want to play

video games

right but look how much time you

spend training yeah

very fucking dog

but what i’m saying is you go

train and then you play

video games and you

train in bed

that’s the bit that’s like yeah i’m gonna play

video games after this

or you know yeah

that’s my reward or you know whatever like i don’t know

i like to read and

write stuff

it’s easier to live that way

so going back to this nick diaz

thing so you’ve been

trying so hard to get this fight

and what are they saying they’re just saying no

do it as if you’ll

fight it they’re saying no they’re saying no cause

yeah 170 that’s saying no

that’s saying no

178 is saying no but he’s

not 183 yeah

plenty of times and then it’s just

about scott

smith shamrock

who else did he play

that way i don’t know guys that he

could beat up

but you can’t beat me up

this is a fucking very important

fight for you yeah i mean i don’t know i’m

angry about the

whole thing like i’m like i need i need this

right like i’m

gonna beat you up

right you shouldn’t have jumped

me a nice guy

yeah he bullied me

right he bullied you need to beat him down

yeah we beat down right

oh yeah i thought

thursdays at 10 30

thursdays at

10 30 i need

thursdays at 10 30 on

mtv there’s

a clip from

season three

which is fantastic that you

should watch what

the way you put

up that dude

where you what you got in there you got in the ring oh

wait tweeted at me bro why don’t you

tweet me bro i did i

tweeted it today did you

tweet it today yeah

i’m looking back through red band

and if you didn’t tweet it

today here i’ll show you i’m

so bummed right now i

tweeted it today actually somebody

tweeted it to me and i retweeted it

oh so you just gave me a retweet

listen man that’s just

i don’t know bro

if it doesn’t have your name on it i feel a little

fucking hurt it does have your name on it all right

see look i’ll show it to you right here

i don’t have your name on joe rogan red bam

have you seen mayon miller beat down this bully

huge slams and grappling ground effortless submissions

yo actually yo bro

i put i put the guy on a

philippine like

phil baroni used to have this

i don’t know if he

still does it i hope he still does it

if he still does it he’s gonna break someone’s neck

is a front headlock choke

but you keep your you keep your

belly on top of his

head so you can lift them off the ground with his neck

scott jorgensen

did that in the wc

he’s like a front

sugar linland does it too right yeah kind of

yeah yeah kind of

yeah yep man

and jiu jitsu dorked everybody i just realized

jiu jitsu nerded everybody right now

my bad me and you like

sorry everybody that wasn’t very

you guys don’t get that joke

it’s a technique yeah we were totally

indescriptive yeah we were you get a guy

and you get your

hands locked

under his chin and then you place your body your

belly over the top of the back of his head

and as you lift him up his neck is basically trapped

against your chest cavity he kind of

flies yeah you hoist

him up in the air by his fucking neck it’s

gnarly and it’s very hard to stop

if a guy a strong guy a strong wrestler

gets that shit locked up it’s like doing like

a backwards row yeah

you just go like this it’s nasty

it’s nasty oh man

i’m sorry a vicious

joke get ready

he’s hurt now

last time he was chris

right i know no no

he called him

chris and then he was chris on the message

board for like weeks

afterwards people just kept

fucking torturing i’m calling him chris

i’m chris i’m eric

chris america

i’m christy

let’s play nice

nice mr miller

so when you do that show

i mean without giving

away too much of how the show is done what do you mean

that episode

was amazing oh yeah

tweet it at me

again and i’ll

tweet it back at her

and we’ll fucking do a double tweet back

i mean i had

never been so

happy that was like one of the most happiest

was that this

is really was

the question like how much is that coached

is that kid just being a douchey is that’s his douchey

self is that real dude

it’s totally real

we can nobody tells him

listen let’s ham it up for the camera

we could go

let’s we’re beating up

mentally disabled people

i’m just joking

i’m just joking

oh man no i don’t know

these guys are just you know they’re just super kind

knuckleheads yeah the knuckleheads so he

had a not good on the block man what’s the

show so this kid

this kid who

got in there with you this kid has no martial arts

experience the best part

about the whole

thing is that the guy

called me out too and i was like man what a coincidence

i think hey

buddy what a coincidence

are you like

you’re next bro i’m like i’m next

i like yeah i am next because there’s nobody in

front of me

you know he

doesn’t know he

doesn’t know that it’s me

and i like busted out man it’s a

great episode it’s like

i watched it

oh you did yeah

yeah i watched it

it was like a

tiger in a mouth

beat the fuck out of that kid

you man him

but what people

don’t know is you were being very nice yeah

yeah and i was beating no i was being surgical

surgical i was like

i was like being surgical

like i was like alright here he comes

i’m just gonna even when you punched

i kicked him yeah i

could see you

weren’t kicking him i just

go give him

one good one

one good one that was it like i knew i

could not you’re not

gonna hurt him real bad

if you just kick his leg

oh my leg yeah

by the end of it

he’s like okay

i’m over this i hit him with the body kick

as i would stop him was

out of the first

thing i did

yeah hit him with the body kick i just let him come in

yeah and you didn’t hit him that hard

with the shin pads on

man come on dude i

think really

it’s kind of

crazy though that

that you could ever get in a situation where

a kid who’s just some

punk bully kid

could ever get into a situation

where he’s on

television and he’s fighting

you to america

what a fucking

crit who sanctions this shit

who says this is okay

is cause it’s a sparring session

is that what it is yeah we’re in sparring gear

cause you easily could have

been the strike

force champion

if you had 10 more

seconds in that

round when you had i say

three i say

three really you

think you haven’t

i had it you had it dark it

was turning purple the

whole deal i mean

it’s okay you

could have potentially been a

world champion

and you’re allowed to just

get in there and beat the fuck out of some kid who’s

never really

sparred yeah

never really fought before

never competed yeah

it was beautiful well

poor fuck that kid

that kid he might just

i feel like there’s a professional version turn

into a gay hooker now he

might just you know i’m saying i mean when

somebody just a

tranny hooks you

i think you’d be the hottest

he might have so little

self esteem

you might just start

just give up on

life come on

we’re america bro she

would devastate you dude i saw you on your

young man you

think you’re the shit

sorry you’re

young man you

think you’re the shit and you know you’re an asshole

and you’re an asshole then on

television and

these guys here

he’s really an asshole to those guys

that wasn’t bullshit

if he if he if

if this guy grows from from right

there you go i’m doing the service

if he grows from it yeah

he seems like it did too

yeah it’s like

grows or it’s

gonna kill you you get two options yeah

i mean yeah wait

are you trying to say that one of my contestants is

gonna go jump off a bridge because we got beat up on

mtv’s bully bebop

i think a lot or

douchebags are in

utter pain and that’s why they’re douchebags

any big huge devastating

thing like this

could go one or two ways they

could either

learn from it and

grow from it and realize they were being a shithead or

they just become devastated

oh my god you

just hit the rocks you’re

making me depressed

about my job

joe rogan just

hit the rocks like this

boom that’s just life what

you think they’re

gonna jump off into a harbor of some sort

no they’re at

the boat speedbo

they’re headed towards the cliff

no bro i was thinking

about slowing down

what i think’s

gonna happen i

think is that kick guys

gonna go and beat the fuck out of

those two guys i put on the show now i

think he’s gonna be a

super bowling

now and he’s

gonna hate them even more and fucking

steal money

and i’ll fight him in a cage

to the death whoa

with a tire iron and a

trash can lid

as a shield

wow so you thought this out

would you have like one of

those leather straps and

yeah are you

kidding me why the hell

not like you don’t want to hold the

trash can all

right you want

to yeah customize that

cover it around yeah actually

maybe we could do like pipes

like pipes like they look cool you know

like isn’t it

crazy that just

a thousand years ago that’s how they were rocking

bro they had a

shield and a

sword and that’s how you took over a town yeah

fucking a man

could you imagine i’m just

trying to live in some

thousand years

just trying to

yeah just trying to mind your own business just

chilling hanging out with your wife and kids

and you see over the horizon a

group of men with

swords and shields

yeah you like these


and they’re just

gonna come and everybody they don’t know they’re

gonna fuck or kill

what is it gonna

be fucker kill fucker kill fucker kill fucker kill

fucked and kill

killed in fuck

that’s the whole deal

i think it sucked no matter

who’s coming over to the hill trying to fuck or kill

you it’s amazing that people didn’t just i mean

i think there

would be what

back then if we

live down and

then out of here

medieval days when people are hacking each

other with swords

it’s amazing people didn’t say i’m just

gonna jump off a fucking

cliff life sucks this is ridiculous

everywhere we go he’s talking about

barbarians coming over the hills with

axes and charlie

like i have

all the time that

would happen someone one outside

every you know

sixteen weeks like

you wouldn’t like you know you just fucking leave

yes you just

leave yeah you just

leave you like whatever all

those fucking

guys that genghis khan

killed they’re just lazy yeah

you just laying around

you should have got

out of there that’s business bro everybody’s gonna die

i’d rather get hacked up

by barbarians than fucking go out the way i’m probably

gonna go out shit whoa

wait a minute how are you

planning on

going out how you

planning on

going out that’s

worse than getting

hacked up by barbarians did you talk to

dr phil about

this when you’re on

yeah if you like whatever bro that will be worse

worse ways to die that’s

right up there no

way bro you just be like oh shit and then dead

maybe not maybe they gut you

maybe they hang you i’m saying

but i would

fight the guy

for sure they

would have to fucking kill me okay

i’m fighting them back sure i hear you

right you wouldn’t

fight a back couple of them you

might get a couple no i know you know i just

order doesn’t

know you can do fuck it

i’ll double like the dude and then fucking

steal a sword

right off his fucking back of his horse

man i already thought about this

tackle the dude

off of his horse

then fucking grab his

sword and just take out as many i can

hopefully it’ll be a jackie chan

scene yeah but

if not fuck it whatever i’ll just go out fucking arm it

oh heck my arm off

fuck would you

have a different strategy if a dude had a double edged

sword or a single edged

sword yeah yeah you

would look at him you say the single edged

sword is this guy fuck i

would i would try to make an assessment as much

as possible but if they’re just coming they’re coming

yeah oh man i hit your

microphone man this fucking bunkers falling apart here

let me fix that

this place up man

i don’t think something

wrong with it

yeah there is obviously i

think you just keep hitting it

all right oh

man oh hello hi

anyway what the hell

were talking

about let’s

get something

different could now

talking about

fucking yeah what a strange conversation that is that

dudes always have if a guy was coming to you with a

sword yeah well i know we’re totally

tuning out right now

yeah yo bro

you know what

a bear could fuck of

definitely kill a walrus so quick

those are the best though when there’s

instructionals online

where dudes are defending

against swords

yeah nice sword

attacks well

you know you sometimes you got to worry

about that when i was a kid i was like always reading

those karate

magazines like

what why would you have to

fight a dude with the

knife like that sucks and if he

i figured the guy already knows

if you’re getting

stabbed the dude just

gonna stab you anyway

right right

so that he has

no you know what i mean like if you have if he has the

he’s not gonna show you that

would be the best

way to get fat and let

you know it’s

gonna come at you like well

maybe karate

threaten you

they want to show it to you

but you know

that now you have to jump and do the disarm

yeah most people

will stab you they didn’t want you to know they’re

gonna stab you right

they try to

sneak in on you

ding dong well like what they

did a little

racist bread

man what is that amazing that just saying

noises like that

could be racist

if you said that

would you say ping ping chong

no i just said ding dong no you

sound like an asian person from a 1950s

movie i know i would never offend

asians around man you know what’s the craziest thing

in the back of the day man those

black and white movies

they used to have what was that fucking

there was one television show that they used to do or a

movie series used to do about

a chinese detective

and they had a white guy

who the fuck is

chinese detective is this jeopardy i don’t

know man you’re like member i am it’s an old ass show

i’m sure someone on twitter will know what it is

it was an old ass show what was it again it was a

white dude but he played this chinese detective oh

realize old asian detective

but it was a white dude who played it

and they had him in all this goofy

it was goofy ass makeup

cause it’s like 1930 and shit you know that

yeah and so

they had this dude

well you know what i can

understand that

nobody knew asian people couldn’t get a good

chinese actor in that and you don’t want to you know

they didn’t want to give the job at that charlie chan

thank you how did i not remember that i almost had

that without even knowing what the fuck you’re talking

about i think i

blocked charlie out of my mind

because of jackie

i think because of vietnam

jackie chan no vietnam

you know the word charlie

what the fuck is wrong with you crazy

yeah rogan i get that charlie

what’s the army

movies bro you never played call of duty black ops yeah

trying to get him to play that but

bruce buffer when i was at the airport

bruce buffer was playing call of duty

while i was waiting for his

plane yeah we’re in england bro i

play ea chats dudes with his laptop

really yeah you sit there was fucking

he’s getting like diamonds on shit and is

you know silver distinguished hair

and he’s sitting there on his macbook playing

that’s on call of duty jack how did he do it with his

mouse pad though that’s i don’t

know he’s moving

pretty hard yeah that ain’t i’ll try that

though whatever i mean he feel he seemed to be doing it

you know yeah i got it in 3d j

have you played in 3d yet

what and you can tell oh yeah

and look down the sniper

thing and it looks like it’s just this huge sniper

tunnel no way

so cool and this is

because you have the 3d tv too

right so that

might have that

too bro i know i bump it

both of you have 3d tvs

innovators motherfucker you are a nerd that’s a lot of

people don’t know man you’re a big time computer nerd

i like computers

who doesn’t

they’re fucking

amazing i like this information in a box

it’s something more than that man

it’s everything

people the whole fucking universe is connecting through

these things this is

we’re gonna eventually

share one giant consciousness yeah

it’s all gonna be connected through

electronics yeah huh

that’s what it is yeah right

it’s just happening

nice and slowly nice and slowly it’s inevitable it’s

going in that direction for sure

all this wikileak shit

what this wikileak

shit represents is a new

ethic what’s

going on is that there’s

going to be no more

secrets anymore

you can’t have them anymore

the exchange of information between people is gonna be

at one point it’s

gonna be instantaneous and it’s

gonna be all encompassing we’re gonna have

everything i know

about you and

everything you know

about me we’re

gonna know everything

about each other

it’s just inevitable

you tell me you’re

gonna plug a

chip into my

brain and we’re gonna

blend into one

thing i’m telling you this is this is without a

doubt where we’re headed

there’s no question

talking into

everything accelerated

well obviously look if something

happens like an

asteroid or two know

each other up for sure

i was talking to my manager the

other day my business manager matt who’s a

great guy and he’s

did not a conspiracy theorist

he’s a real

level headed dude

and he lives in i

say where he lives

but i said do you ever think

about living near the

ocean you ever

think about getting like a

place like on the

water that may

kind of dope

and he goes yeah but

i think about tsunamis

and i’m like wow yeah you

should think

about tsunamis fuck we all

should think

about tsunamis

at any point in time

the earth could just decide to move a little bit

and a mile high

wall of water heads towards los angeles

like that shit’s real man that

could happen

absolutely or we get hit by an asteroid

something falls into the

ocean and a mile high wall of

water heads towards los angeles

and it’s not

you fucking imagine

could you imagine

it’s part of the charm of the city yeah

you’re gonna die at any time might be the only time

every time i’m in a parking garage in los angeles that

way you live in the fucking top of a goddamn mountain

yeah absolutely

i have to drive

all the way up a mountain

because you’re

worried you’re

lucky i don’t live in

colorado bro

we’d only be seeing each

other when i come

to la if it wasn’t for my wife getting pregnant i’d

still be in

colorado you’re

worried about

all the water

dude i worry

about everything i’m a fucking

freak i worry

about meteor impacts i

worry about the

shifting of the

polar ice caps i

worry about

pollution bro you

should go about war

you should go downhill mountain biking

that’s gonna fix

everything no i

think it needs to get skiing nah bro i

would except i

watched a detailed report on tv

where a lady who was downhill mountain biking

attacked by a fucking mountain lion who

ate her head nice

pulled her don’t you wanna

die like a cool way her friend was

wrong with you

the mountain lion with a

stick as it was

dragging her

screaming bleeding friend with her face torn off

into the bushes

and he’s beating it with a stick so

what’s the i saw that lady on tv man and i’m

like i don’t

think i’ll be mountain biking

it actually

didn’t happen to you

but it could have shit

that didn’t happen to you

that’s yeah that’s hilarious

who cares yeah you

should go you

should do something outside your comfort zone bro

you think yeah yeah for sure skiing or

snow but i’m not comfortable with anything

that’s oh you’re not haha

water boat what

do i need to do that’s outside my comfort zone tell me

master my i just feel like why are you don’t

scared of life bro

no i’m listen i’m half fucking around

i would totally

you’re making me nervous i

would have fuck around but you know my dog was

eaten by a mountain lion

when i saw the mountain

line wait so you

think there’s some mountain line with

a like you know

for you how

to get them

you know like

you understand what i’m saying right

i’m saying they have personal

experience with

them i know that they’re dangerous as fuck

if you’re gonna

go if you’re

gonna go mountain

biking right here you’re

gonna run into mountain lines

nah you can

it’s possible whatever

whatever percentage wise

i think i was percentage

wise you’d probably be okay

and i would

fight him for a

minute oh you’d be fine

you know you know what to do but a girl

on a fucking bike

yeah very rare

very rare they don’t fuck with men they have killed

women they killed

a nineteen year old girl last year in canada

singer this

is a recording contract because of the period

he wasn’t even trying to be funny

that’s cause he’s got an animal’s mind

may have done animal minds thinking about

he’s just thinking about it that’s what i would

smell i smell

her period blood

be smelling that shit i think i’m

gonna eat this

bitch i get all my girlfriends bro

yeah man getting killed by

wolves is pretty rare too we’ve talked

about that recently on the podcast that

i didn’t know that

wolves have killed people as recently as this year yeah

wolves i’m thinking if you like you’re a

you’re a food source and you’re in their little

sector by yourself

oh you’re fucked up isn’t it

weird though that we have this weird

thing with wolves

where you know it used to be everyone was

aware that wolves were really dangerous

yeah but we came

backwards now huh

we went backwards like

because wolves are

we dumbed down the wolf with

media fuck them

up so hardcore that we feel bad that we fucked him up

but the reason we fucked them up is because

wolves were eating babies and shit

they were eating people

you know wolves have

eaten people before there was a kid in 2005 that got

eaten by a wolf

and there’s this

woman that got

killed by a wolf this year they fucking killed

people wait

so i take it you like don’t go camping or anything

dude i’ve been camping once and a bear

attacked our cooler

walked all over a car tore our cooler to shreds

maybe is your

destiny to get

eaten by animals

just fucking do it bro

should i go with it yeah

bro ostrich


to die by ostrich

bite bro you maybe

just need to turn off the discovery channel at your

house that would be embarrassing man for all my friends

how’d he die fucking ostrich kicked his ass ate him

right fuck he was covered in beverlin

he was covered if they kick you you’re fucked

of course you your guts will fall yeah they have

giant powerful legs man you

watch way too much documentary i know you know

i just got a whole new box set

can i get your leftovers every

once in a while

can i i turn you into some shit yes

no i just know i don’t mean to turn me on

i don’t wanna buy it myself just

let me borrow some dvds okay

i’ll give you some dvds i got some shit for you

i got some interesting stuff you

should switch to cartoons for a year i can’t do it dude

i can’t do it you know this is what i do okay

i’ll go through my dvr

i’ll see like i watch hd net

fights i watch like that anthony bourdain

no reservation show

i see if there’s any boxing matches that i missed

and then i just go straight to all the

space shows it’s all the universe or it’s all like some

crazy shit on the science channel

that’s the only thing that’s interesting to me

this i can’t watch shows like a

drama or a sitcom i can’t do it i just i can’t do it i

watch it for five minutes i’ll just go oh

yeah you know every now and then like

breaking bad like i’ll watch like a cool drama

those are fun if you like when i was getting tattooed

i was watching breaking bad

i watched like a bunch of i watch like two seasons

always always sunny in philadelphia is that good

that’s funny what’s

probably one of the best shows ever damn

i think so man what network is so well written

it’s like man

man it’s damn

really i think it’s over

this last this like

what it is fx what

fx fx yeah it’s not fx

i think it’s the same night as my show

really damn you’re pumping up a competitor

i don’t know i know but i watch it it’s like

it’s like my shows on

and then you can change the channel and there’s your

empty we live in tevo

land yeah you know that so

you really not

competing with

anything not competing with anything just well

this the only time i

watch things as they’re happening is

fights yeah me too

if you need to know that yeah

yeah i mean that’s just how life is but

well sun is really good man they like they

they have so many

great characters and

stuff and like it’s

well written

did you watch the manny pacquiao

fight man yeah man with my dad and a hunting trip

it was awesome

like sit out there in the country of

watching manny pacquiao my dad like

screaming and yelling

like for the

wrong guy like what man that’s not even pack yeah

sling box i

watched it on my laptop

in london oh yeah watch it

glory damn that

motherfuckers good yeah

i wonder though with his

style though you know

i wonder if he

could fuck with

floyd mayweather no i know that’s

where i still

don’t know i

still don’t know

if you look at the way floyd

mayweather the way he just

handled man

manuel marquez

yeah you know yeah one male

one male manuel

marquez style

style wise though i

think style wise that it matches up pretty good

like i think

manny matches up pretty good i think that

marquez couldn’t do shit to

floyd though

and marquez and mayweather went to war they went to war

twice yeah i know

but floyd just shut all that shit down but that

goes fast yeah

it’s pretty good he’s fast

and moves well takes a good shot

and and and you know

mayweather got

got rocks real bad by moseley

like that kind of showed that

okay you can get touched to

right i mean so

he got tagged yeah i got tagged real good

that one punch really kind of

fucked it up for mosley because he stopped boxing and

started bombing you

know like he like lost his

his rhythm got

angry yeah he lost his

rhythm yeah

that was a tough

fight for him anyway that dude is

it’s amazing that

like when you see boxers

it’s so strange that boxers can compete at that high a

level when they’re like 40

you know he’s like 39

right isn’t it

yeah some i mean

some guys can keep

going and some guys it just all falls

apart it’s interesting

like look at hopkins

is he so technical

40 fucking five 46 years old

still fighting i mean that’s incredible man

you know undoubted big man

at the end of

the day that’s what’s the most important in

every combat sport

it’s technique

all that ferocity and

everything so important

to me you have to have it you know you have to have

strength you have to have endurance you have to have

you know fighter

spirit but what’s most important is technique

yeah all that

other shit you can have to

that all that

other shit has to be processed through technique though

and guys that just rely

on one thing that just rely on their

aggressiveness or rely

on their athleticism

like how many times have you

watched guys

fight like mma

on tv and you see

like a guy that’s like

super hyper

aggressive but yet he’s got all

these holes and his

stand up and he’s

he’s dropping his hands

goofy and he’s not turning his kicks over but he’s just

super aggressive and that’s how he’s winning he’s

beaten guys by just being

and you like this guy’s just like

eventually he’s

going to run into a guy that’s as

tough as him yeah

but it’s technical and then

fucked yeah of course that always happens

it’s just a stylizing

the guy this guy’s got

smarter technique

you know what i mean

that’s like the big battle isn’t it in it

you know isn’t it yeah

man the the life of martial artist a professional

mixed martial artist that has got to be a

trippy way to fucking pay your bills

isn’t it i i know i there’s been moments where i’ve

stood across the ring for one

and i’m like

i’m about to

fight another

grown man on national television

i’m like this is my life

right now you try to

squash those

thoughts or you just go well that’s it is what it is

no whatever

i just go hahaha

i’m about to

fight somebody on tv

so you laugh so you

think it’s in

my head i’m like it’s so weird

like whatever

you know you just take a different path

in your life like oh this is what i’m doing you know

it’s i don’t know it’s

very strange it’s very different but i mean you know

it’s just my job like

i like this what i’m gonna do

crazy ass way to make a living son yep that’s a

crazy ass way

business don’t cry for me bro

what are you talking

about i’m not crying

we’re just talking

i know that’s what i mean i mean

my life is to other people would be horrific

you know getting on stage doing comedy

or talking i

never even realized that that is like people a lot

of people’s number one fear yeah i’m like what why you

don’t want to be judged have you done it lately

me yeah no i mean

ellis show and

right you know there’s a new place

they want they want me to do a show on 16 on what

huh a show on the sixteenth yeah of what december yeah

should i do it to

a comedy show

yeah hell yeah you can totally do it alright

i know what do i talk

about though anything

write a bunch of shit down alright

sixteenth what’s

today’s date

what about the

store today is the

twenty ninth

oh so you’ve got like

what how many days are in november

november 30

yeah 30 so i’ve got that long to do it

17 days i’ll say some

funny shit yeah you know how much

time do you have to go up for

i don’t know

i’ll figure it out this is

keyword i want you to use period

blood those two words yeah

use those and coyotes that was a singer

right yeah no i’m

gonna use it from the

ice you guys are seeing if i go if i go up on on

the 16th in improv

the punch line period blood period blood

that would be the punch line

i guess girls would think

about that shit if they got in the water to that

sharks would bite their pussy

right you know i mean my god could you fucking imagine

the thought

and that’s how you dye your hair color the shark is

going for your pussy because he smells your period whoa

what her and someone must have died like that somewhere

along the line some girl must have done

she must have you’re

right it must have happened

with all the people that have been killed by

sharks for all the hundreds

of thousands of years people have been on this planet

undoubtedly fuck yeah

yeah dude you can’t get me in that fucking

water that water can suck my

dick what’s

wrong with you some kid just got

in half in san

bernardino time the fuck out that’s

a barbara what’s wrong

with you bro why

are you so scared i’m not scared

i’m fascinated

no you’re scared though but i’m not i just don’t

think that getting

eaten by a shark is

worth the thrill

of surfing bullshit

bro you never saw

before that i don’t need to son you don’t

wanna go mountain biking

cause the fucking mountain

lions will eat

you no no you don’t

wanna go surfing

because the fucking

sharks will

eat you breaking it down exactly okay

yes you know what

what the fuck

those are monsters and i try to

avoid monsters in my

everyday life you don’t want to go roller skating

especially monsters in the

water man at

least a mountain line you

might be able to fucking get them in a guillotine

you know i’m saying i’m

outline might

fuck up you can’t

dude a mountain

light my fuck up you

might get on top you

might sprawl

you know i’m saying

you might take it

back fucking

you might take

that mountain lions back your head

chucking but not out in lions that’s what you’re

gonna do you’re

gonna punt them

down to the

ground little you’re darthing a mountain lion

that’s what you’re doing

fuck out of him and his stupid

fucking dirty

stinky shit

covered paws

fuck a mountain lion

but a shark will eat your asshole

and there’s not much you can do about it

wait you’re

bleeding out of your asshole

he’s gonna eat you

he’s gonna come up

from behind

so you don’t even see him coming

and he’s just gonna

start eating you

so what bro that’s the risk we all take

of living here on

mother earth

the great gaia that’s beautiful man i know

right i try to

avoid being a part of the food chain

except the top part yeah but

nobody listen no

the chances that you’re gonna get

eaten by an animal

while doing an outdoor activity

are very low

they’re way way higher than if you don’t go to

those places

where the monsters are yeah

i find that

the best way to cut down on the possibility of getting

eaten by monsters is to not go near the monsters bro

sorry would you go hang gliding

what am i a fucking bird

listen man that’s a dumbass way to go but you got

roller skating to the rocks from an errant breeze

you know oh

whoops now i’m dead he

doesn’t want to go hang gliding

i get eaten by a pterodactyl

brian watch tell him the

story about your dad in parachuting yeah yeah i know

paragliding why don’t you tell wait

i already know the

story before you even tell it but that that’s the

you know i bet you don’t parag

shooting or paragliding parachuting

so he jumped out the fucking

thing and died no no no this is

his dad brian

my dad worked with somebody that

every week she was like hey you need to come

skydiving with me cause she did it every weekend

and he was like

thinking about it even though he didn’t want to

and one day

she died she

jumped out and

i guess like her emergency parachute

went with her

regular parachute so what she dances with the devil bro

to me that was like one out of

one out of one million no but i

would never parachute but

think joe should go roller skating and if not i know

it’s a bad stories i’m not scared

why wouldn’t you don’t be

calm me calm

that’s why i should use

that website for to put like don’t be scared of me

like sure after the fight after

yeah that is a good idea man look look

you know think about like what would

tyler dordan do dot com they have a website

yeah oh yeah it’s cool the biggest compliment is

brian brian’s friend

brian interacts like

ah i want him to help me he’s funny

dude man what would tyler durden guys wtd

he says some

funny shit man he’s got some really good like

one liners on

on things that are going on the news

he’s a funny guy yeah he’s

funny and he hates

paris hilton

lot oh he’s

anti he’s a anti

peres hilton

paris hilton

not you’re not

paris brown paris

the guy oh no no no he hates paris oh

yeah his tweets on

paris are hilarious

really yeah

why would he hate her she’s just some lost

child like why

would why would he give a fuck

because it’s funny

yeah he’s in

right now to make fun of

paris hilton

so i’m gonna

again make fun yeah

i thought that died off yeah did

yeah it has to die off like

because at a certain

point in time you become the joke for caring about her

like why are you still talking

about this one i was just one person out of a

river of humans no what do you mean

it’s the next one the next one the next one

it’s amazing i can’t

believe people

stay irrelevant like to me it’s like why

like why are

these people

famous i was like this is kind of sad

it’s like sad

with our culture like i feel bad for us

like man and i

start getting care i

start caring

cause the other people care i’m like man

damn it why do i care

i don’t wanna pretend

that i know what’s

gonna happen in the future

cause i obviously don’t

i don’t know whether or not we’re

gonna pull ourselves out of this

downward spiral this

humanity downward spiral

with some sort of a technological

innovation or something but

if it doesn’t happen

so i forgot what i was talking about mad

you are fucking

deep in the damn

shit contest

i really talking

about before you said that

paris hilton

paris hilton

this is a quote that he did

paris hilton

everyone hates you no one is

going to watch

your dumb show no one cares anymore go kill yourself

that’s not that’s the meanest

tweet ever that like

it’s so mean that it was

funny it was so

mean that it

sound like ari shafir

wrote that yeah

oh this was so this what i was

gonna say i don’t know whether or not we were ever

gonna pull ourselves out of this downward spiral but

if you looked at like

if you looked at

civilization if you looked at a

civilization like like

right before it was

gonna fall like rome

or like the

greek empire like any anywhere

the all you hear

about is them

going crazy

all you hear about is

feathers and they’re eating and they’re

throwing up and they’re fucking

everything in

their fucking little boys and shit and there’s

lions versus christians

it’s always the craziest craziest shit goes down

and that’s what everybody talks

about after it falls apart

well isn’t that what’s happening right here

i mean it has to be it’s happening slowly

that’s what it is

i mean we were talking

brian and i were looking at the

pictures of the colosseum

in rome we were having

lunch at this italian

place today

and they had this

photo of the coliseum in rome

and the photo was from

2010 right so the coliseum is

this fucking

incredible old

piece of architecture where

people fought fucking lions

right there in the center of that bitch

and there’s cars just driving around it

and the cars

the distance between the curb

and the fucking walls of this insane old building

is what 15 feet 10 feet

it’s like there’s no space

it’s like car

and this insane old

building yeah

people are probably

peeing that shit

just fell apart

it fell apart and nobody

fixed it yeah

it just fell

right apart

that could easily happen with us

and if it does

they’re gonna be talking

about us the same way

we talk about the

romans so mountain biking they’ll be like

these crazy assholes had tv shows where

regular people became famous

girls became

famous cause they were showing

their pussies they get other cars

like how many how many girls became

famous like

or got like massive publicity

for showing

their pussy on tv

or showing their

pussy rather

in publicity for

these magazines

how many times that happened

so fourteen

thousand that that

would be something

i think that’s incorrect

i think 14 maybe

14 girls are shown

their pussy

pretend that

they’ve accidentally shown

their pussy you

think it’s for

a lot of them are probably somebody researched

not that many

probably like six

no probably the

point is that’s

gonna be something they would talk

about in the future when they study

ancient history

they talk about the fall of the american empire

what are they gonna talk

about they’re

gonna talk about how nutty we were

the girls would just show

their pussies

girls became

famous for leaking sex tapes

just fucking

sucking cock

yeah like kim kardashian she got

famous i know for hanging out with a girl who

should have been

should have been

you know there

should have been no reason for

paris hilton to become famous why was she

famous well she just figured out how to do it

don’t hate there she is

and so kim kardashian

was hanging out with her and goes you know what i

gotta kick this up a notch

i’m gonna do a porno with a black guy

so she does a porno with this dude

she sucks his dick fuck some

everything it’s all

real legit porno

and then it’s like oh how did that get out there

darn it and then that becomes a huge hit show

and then she becomes a mainstream celebrity on the

cover of almost every magazine

every goddamn time

i go to the magazine stand

her face is on the cover of some

magazine whether it’s a fitness

magazine or

anything it’s amazing

that would be something that people would look at

and say look how

crazy they got

they just made regular people

like you don’t have to sing you don’t have to

dance you don’t have to

write you don’t have to

well she has charisma

she got an ass

she’s got an ass and she has some charisma i meant

charisma i meant meant ass

so yeah no i

don’t you think that if you were looking at a

culture if people like i know

yeah if you looked at it for

the future yeah that’s what you

would say you’d say look at these

crazy assholes no

maybe some people are just gonna

have the charisma

and then all of a sudden

they’re gonna be awesome

like i don’t

think we’re on the same track

haha no like

everybody will i

guess not really

christine how

about everybody will just be famous

and we’ll all like oh wait

we just connected the two

things right now

that’s what i was just

thinking that

everybody has a computer chip in their

brain and then you walk up to this guy go

oh he’s awesome

and then everyone will just

shine in the

magical land

well i think eventually you’re

gonna make sure to have

your phone number will be like a channel

you know you will have two

right to the

brain like oh bro let me get your channel number

cause i really wanna

dance around in your head right

now that’ll be

right before the

final immersion

that’s what

would be the last what’s the

final immersion oh my god

final immersion

is no consciousness

other than the one

we’re gonna get all linked up like the matrix

right now that’s what’s

gonna happen

no emotion no bullshit

no negativity just

oh we’re gonna be

aliens and then we’re gonna

send ourselves

back all the way through the universe back in time to

oh man you’re

freaking me out man

that’s ultimate stoner talk

there’s no more ultimate stoner talk and

what happens when you die or

aliens in the future

and what’s gonna happen man

when’s it gonna end

man i know you that’s

so i do so i do i’m a fucking fool

all i do all day is

not even think about the moment just worry constantly

about what is gonna happen in the future bro

man i feel like this

you guys are a little therapeutic right now

the breakthrough look it’s just

to me it’s all just hyper fascinating

it’s all hyper

fascinating dr phil it’s not that i’m not

how is that you got any

secrets at the doctor phil

i don’t know dr phil was i was like damn i’m like

that was just it was weird as like me getting ready to

fight like i’m like a man but a fight a man

man i’m about to go on a dr phil show

where this and was it ah

i was just like this is so weird like i look

nervous i was just like what the hell am i doing

did he give you a massage

or anything is there anything that he

did when the cameras were

off i wanted to

touch his head but you know that’s disrespectful

right you know i mean just to say i did it you know i

was yeah it was a nice dude really

yeah dr phil’s cool like

man this is the

and i actually

no you had a weightlifter hand grip really yeah i’m a

weightlifter hand grip

a little bit i was like

hey man dr phil’s kind of buff wow i

swear i was like really yeah he played football in high

school and yeah for sure like college maybe

would you hang out if dr phil called you up hey jason

i’m down here at the bar

thinking about getting a beer

would you like to join me oh yeah i

wanna talk to dr phil

i’d like to talk to dr phil what would you do dr

phil just start talking pussy

man i would

let’s cut the bullshit

dr phil just started talking crazy pussy stories

back before i was married

remember when i

was supposed to be on that dr phil show or the doctors

and you talked me out of it what was it

about for salvia

oh yeah they’re

gonna show my

video and everything

don’t do i told them don’t be

going on you

gonna do something

first of all that’s gonna

contribute to the the end of that salvia

right i know that’s what i was shit

that shit is so fragile

illegal it’s not anymore it’s

illegal it’s

still legal in

california i’m pretty sure i thought it was some

states it’s

legal in some

states still

some states made it illegal and i

think they just made it illegal in florida

that’s fucked what’d it do to you

doesn’t hurt anybody man this is why it’s

weird that they’re making it illegal look

all the see

the problem is

it’s sort of a

guilt by association

thing because if you consider it and

even though you look at the statistics and there’s no

deaths and there’s no immediate danger

health wise why

should it be illegal well because it’s like all this

other shit that’s illegal

salve is one of the most potent

psychedelic drugs in the

world and it’s

available at head shops

whereas you

know it’s really hard

target what are you talking

about they sell

salve at target do they really salve

of plants oh salvia

plants yeah that’s pretty sure thing yeah

you’re right

it’s sage right

i mean that’s what salvia is oh what yeah yeah

well this but

i don’t know if it’s the

same strain

exactly what it is

they extract it

you know they condense it down

and they extract it so you get like salvia times 60

you know so it’s like this little condensed former

not condensed

or whatever

and then you wait you put that in your coffee super no

no it’s like an herb it’s

like weed and you have to get put that in your pipe and

smoke it you get this

lighter that you have to have one of the

crack lighters with the blue

torches and it gets it up to a certain

temperature and it releases a

pretty much it’s like a

whippet of mushrooms

you know you’re just doing

yeah oh god

i’m shrooming oh my god my face is on fire melting

i’m dead oh hey i’m back but

the problem is this kids were doing this you know and

fifty times a day

fifty times a day

right making the most hilarious youtube

videos in the world

if you ever want to see the some of the funniest shit

just go on youtube

type in salvia oh the kid and the kid

yeah kids doing all that shit

yeah exactly

or all right

or a good impression of

i never watched it

it looked like

a seizure it

was more of a

seizure seizure

seizures i was

just saying

was that a good

seizure that’s a

good seizure

that’s a good

seizure i told the

story about

i already told it before but i asked

my friend johnny

his girlfriend used to fake

seizures why

the girl she wanted attention

so bad she used to fake

seizures she

would fall down and like fake a

seizure and he would he

would use it as an excuse to slap her in the face haha

he’s like honey

wake up wake up

honey wake up

and i’d see

like he like bite his lip i was hitting it like

fucking bitch

like you like really like give her slaps in the face

why that was

that’s the most healthy relationship i’ve ever heard of

chaos that’s

the most amazing

thing about

knowing a lot of fucked up people

you know what is everyone

saw you have a

story like that yeah yeah

it puts it all in perspective too you realize

there’s damn man my girl sucks

she’s not faking seizures

in a fucking grocery

store or you have to slap the shit out of her in

front of everybody that’s the saddest thing ever

yeah pretty pretty goddamn

ridiculous yo you got this

chicks number or what she’s dead damn

she’s dead she deserves to be

wow she’s dead

i don’t know if she’s dead he’s dead though ah

poor bastard yeah he was my best friend

fascinating dude yeah

hung out with a lot of

crazy bitches

yeah you know that

could get easy to do man

because you know a

chick is beautiful sure you don’t know that

she’s banana sandwich and you don’t care either because

once you start having

sex with her you do

and then you’re like ah

what am i doing

right now problem with dudes is once you

start having sex with them if it’s good and they’re hot

you have sex with

dude what what you just said yeah

no no no no listen

listen to me you fucking clown

the problem with us

is that when you have sex with a girl and

she’s hot you get addicted to it you got one yeah she’s

super hot and she’s sexy and she’s got a killer body

you like you

could get that

again you could always get that

again so even if she’s crazy

you start going fuck

you are alright well i don’t know okay

what are you doing you

wanna go out tomorrow

and then next

thing you know you’re fucking her

again and next

thing you know this is your

girlfriend this crazy

bitch is your girlfriend yeah and

just because she’s hot and she’s got a good you know

i know which is a

freak and the

crazy ones a lot of times they’re more fun in bed

because they

wanna please you they wanna

they really want you to be rocked

so they’ll freak you out more

and then you’re even

extra stuck

right because if you get used to that you get used to

what my friend tony always says that

erotic and psychotic are like

they’re like next door neighbors

what are you doing over there

brian he was looking for something to

drink so i gave him some jack you want another coconut

drink yeah coconut drink

thanks dude

you’re like the best intern ever joe thanks

i like he’s wearing a

paperboy cap too man i know hey mr hey steve

here’s your coconut water exactly

man you need like one it makes it like that joe rogan

that’s one of the best ones

they have regular water

i know you have regular water in there

damn it bro

that’s all right you know what

i just been i was

drinking out of the sink i like to do it old

school like

you know grab

that’s his jerk off sink though

i drink out a jerk off

yeah he puts his dick

underneath the sink and it drops the

water on it like a girl does in a bathtub what

have you ever

heard of girls that do that that masturbate by

putting their pussy

right underneath the faucet and they just slowly turn

that’s gotta be a benefit of being a chick

it must be way easier to masturbate open wound

yeah totally

you think so fuck yeah

i don’t know man you gotta rub i

guess a lot of like arm

they stick stuff in there yeah they’re about to

put things in there

if a girl gets used to that that’s the real problem

she gets used to a vibrator some girls get broken

their pussies just get broken to regulars vibrate

stimulation they’re so oversensitized

yeah that happens a lot more than

smashed and then i thought it did

they got a cycle off like yeah

like we yeah you stopped like stop doing coffee for a

while and then all of a sudden you’re like

drink a coffee like oh yeah

freaking pops true right big difference yeah

right it’s like you just stop you stop the

weirdest thing i know when i’m drinking coffee

too much when i can drink it and then get sleepy

yeah that’s what you know like you

gotta stop drinking coffee dude what

you know if you

drink it so much you

drink it and also need to sleep here

i don’t know probably not good

probably your

liver like going ah too much coffee your kidneys trying

to shut you down going dude

they say a little

bit of coffee is not bad for you but you can get

that the problem with like starbucks coffee is if

which is the best don’t be hating on star i’m not

what i say the best

listen bro i’m

okay man i know there’s a coffee bean thermos in

front of me but that’s not a

not because i’m disloyal that product placement

but the problem is that starbucks coffee has a fuck

load of caffeine in it not enough

wait not enough

that’s why i drink it man

my new thing is getting iced coffee


with three shots in an iv

three espresso shot

three espresso shots

three man but they say espresso is not as much

caffeine as coffee is no but that’s on top of

three cups of coffee though yeah that’s three

three cups of espresso

each shot that one

was like three cups of coffee right yeah

a shot of espressos like three cups of coffee almost no

no no no that’s what i’m saying

no it’s like a week cup of coffee like it’s

three week cups of coffee but they’re like condensed oh

i’m sorry i thought you were

saying that each shot is three cups

it’s not quite a cup of coffee

a shot is espresso

it’s like slightly below an average cup of coffee sorta

but that’s how they make coffee

no no it’s a

fascinating subject because you can get

i mean look you go and get a venti you go and get a

venti starbucks you take somebody who has

never drink coffee before

or someone who

doesn’t take any stimulants

doesn’t know and you just give them that venti

they might have to sit down

like they might be so jacked they

might be like wow my heartbeat is being

too fast but that’s the

nature of coffee your hands could be shaken

but meanwhile you

get used to

it yeah you know you’d get drugged up and boom

you know it’s a

legal drug what are you talking

about it is from

caffeine that’s

legal it’s a drug

how many coffees a day do you have jason

i don’t know

like two 14

no no i know i’m real high tension

i don’t allow myself more than one

the only time it’s two is

if i’m really busy working that’s what i mean i gotta

i’ll go like in the morning and then in the

afternoon sometimes

bam i’m hype

starbucks i

would like to see you on a muscle

relaxer but you just be like

guys how are you doing today i


it’s they had to

juice me up with a lot of that

stuff to put me to

sleep though

really yeah they

got operated on yeah when i got operate to put like my

plate my thumb and they’re like

all right we’re gonna pump you full of

stuff and he goes

in there to you know put put it in there and i’m like

whoa i feel like a

giant rush over my

whole body like oh

my god and they’re like

okay just relax i’m like no no

i’m like man i’m high

right now listen wait a minute

you’re about to be operated

on this is the type of shit you’re saying yeah all

right man i’m high right now

i was like that and the guy looks at me like

and i realize that the

stuff is too weak and i’m like

you can’t knock me out

haha you can’t

laugh the guy was

laughing i like i remember as i’m

all blurry like with all the drugs like and i’m like

man i look and i remember him like

smirking at me and then

going back oh

man i shouldn’t talk shit to him like that

wow cause cause i came out of it like

thinking i was in a

fight like look ah

like i’m like

kicking at the

nurses and everything like that

and i was like oh haha

and i like oh my bad like i was like oh

sorry then i felt so sick

cause he pumped me so full of that

stuff that like

i was like man what did i do

imagine being

a fucking nurse

oh you know that they were

kinda used to it they

used to do they’re liking them yeah they’re like yeah

cause they do like all like extreme athlete

crazy dudes yeah

really and they’re like yeah

we’ve seen people

jump up out of

their seats

so they were like it was bellow and i was like i’m very

sorry like i was apologies

a weird feeling

going out like that yeah and

waking up in your operated on already your

knees stitched up

together yeah weird

very strange

how many operations have you had

only like what

have you had done so

knees like cleaning out

stuff and acl replacement and

like putting out

putting them out of

just one acl

replacement a general

one yeah both of both

of them done yeah

like and i had a the middle of my knee cut out

cuz uh cuz like it was

knowing the hell out of me and cut it out

what is it what do you mean the middle of

uniques their

meniscus yeah yeah it’s

it was sticking out

oh a bucket handle yeah

bucket wow you know i

had that on my left

oh yeah we talked had

that shit out but it

clicks it would get

stuck oh god

like yank that

thing out of that shit is a ferocious pain to

the meniscus pain is

tough to that’s

tough to fade yeah

very difficult to ignore

it’s not something you just walk off no like

it’s a bone

piercing pain

weird these are

so fucking painful

did you know a couple testicles

added yeah like

seventeen testicles

why you looking he just checked your package

seventeen testicles

like you might have a few more than the other guys

he’s got extra balls


yeah it’s amazing that they can

stitch you up and put you back together

again now though isn’t it fucking cool

like how many guys

do you know that if i know i know guys

that discs replaced

you know artificial discs

stuck in between then had their discs fused

yeah tito had that done

who else had that done nate marquarte no

nate quarry had that done

a lot of guys have had that done

they blow out their discs and they get

their shit replaced and they can go back back and

fight again it’s fucking crazy

that used to be a deal breaker

like your discs were jacked like forget

about competitive athletics on the highest

level you know there’s no way man

and it used to be acl got jacked like my friends

and you’re done forever

i was like shocked when

they that i said acl

nah you just go and they we put you back together like

oh awesome and it’s it’s more

powerful than the original yeah it is like my acl

this man is

stronger than it was like i like what the hell

yeah did the workouts and whatever and then it’s like

use a cadaver

yeah well you know they use an achilles tendon

that’s what they use it’s a big fat fucking cable

it’s bigger than what’s

naturally in there what’s

naturally in there sucks wow

you’re saying that i

have like illegal meat i got

both mine are done

this one was done with a patella tendon

graph though

which kind of sucks

where they take a

chunk out of your bone and a

strip of meat

where your tendon is and it’s attached to your shin

and then they open you up and then they

screw it in place

it takes a long

ass time to heal from it it’s much longer

recuperation time because you got a hole in your shin

or a hole in your kneecap

and a hole in your shin like they cut it out and so

your tendons

been all fucked up so it’s

way more invasive

thing this one i had done

it was they did a cadaver

my right one

and there’s just like two little tiny holes

and they stitched him up and that’s it it was all

fixed i mean it’s

crazy they just get in there and

screw this new joint in

place that used to be

if you lived

you know a thousand years ago man you were a cripple

you know you were fucked and

you were that guy that

would fall down if the wind blew

too hard come on dude

black president

we’re in the future

right now what

let’s just think it’s so cool that they

could patch you up and put you back together

again you know yeah

we live in the

future i don’t have a jetpack but whatever

have you ever had your

elbows done no

shoulders supposed to be the worst

no tear your

shoulders that’s supposed to

be the biggest pain in the ass to recoup

yeah let’s dancing with the devil

is what i do

every day you do

you ever think that like man

like i’m i’m fucking

staking my my living

on my physical flesh yeah

he likes it

it’s fun it is the funnest

thing for you

right right

i can’t help it it’s so fun i like doing

crazy stuff all the time do you

think you’re

gonna have a long career they’re

gonna be doing this for a long time i

think yeah i

think i could do it like

i do it for a long time but

you know it’s that’s my job you know

i feel good you

definitely better

now than you’ve ever been before i know

and would you

twenty nine now

yeah no oh yeah i’m about to

change it up

about to hit

twenty nine

about hit thirty

thirty goddamn

that’s like when you’re an

adult dude i know

so i’ve been feeling it i’m like i feel kind of

happy about it i’m like

gonna be an adult

we gotta get you over the

ufc man all the

strike force nonsense

if this if this nick diaz

thing doesn’t work man

i hope the ufc picks you up

we have to go get joe silva

massage somewhere

maybe you have to

get him fucking gift certificate for

somewhere cool

some wonderful restaurant have a nice meal

i take enough

i take them to the

olive garden

what are we doing with the

strike force nonsense you know

mayhem miller

good thing i got a good thing

going straight for you so yeah you probably

see let’s see if the diaz

will you know not be scared homie and right

well you know go from there

when you watch the anderson silva chill sun and fight

now i know you train with chill right i fought chill i

like you find them yeah but i

train with them too yeah in uh

i thought of

me like 19 like man i was like 18 years old

yeah we were

fine like me no 19

yeah he just kept taking me down we

crashed through the cage

there’s video of it somewhere

man i was so

young man i was like

we were like kids man wow

how old is he

i don’t know

he’s in his 30s right yeah

he’s a little

older than me when you

watch this fight with anderson silva

anderson silva

pound for pound best

fighter in the

world you know

ufc long running middleweight champion

what what did you

think when you saw that

fight yeah the

chairs on a

fight were you thinking

i mean you know you’re your guy competing for the

strike force

title at 185 when you see anderson

you know and you see that

you know the

chairs is handling them yeah

what did you

think that like

yeah definitely i mean but that you know like

of course my weight

that was the most

intense i’ve ever watched a fight really

yeah that’s what i was thinking must

be right yeah of course because i’m like in the little

soap opera guy

right right right

watching this like that we’re all

you know the same way you

could be fighting that guy yeah soon yeah easy

yeah both guys really

right exactly so anything could happen of course

how long is your contract at strike force

i believe i don’t have a fight left or

one fight left yeah i think so

and so that if you if you beat

nick diaz then do you

get to fight jack ray

for the title i have

yeah i had a couple fights of think and i have

two fights yeah i think so yeah

so what are they talking

about now if is nicked if nickney has

doesn’t want to fight you do you get to fight jaguar a

do you have to fight tim kennedy like what do you do

what’s next

i don’t know they don’t know

they’re just trying to get the nick diaz

fight well i mean that’s the

fight that everyone wants to see in the

school and you know i’m down you know it’s like

that’s my job i’m down to do whatever you know

does it get in the way when you’re filming

fully beat down

you know does it get in your way with your

training like do you have to like train

like when you’re filming that

show do you have to like make sure that you don’t have

any fight scheduled for

while it’s going down yeah yeah of course i

get you know i don’t want to

run a concurrent with the

training camp

would fuck it up hard right

what kind of

hours but i took

fight i took a

you know for for training

bully be down only takes two weeks so

what is that monkey on

what did you do about it’s a man monkey oh wow

did you just cut and paste that yeah

but uh pretty cool yeah it is pretty cool

i don’t know you know it only takes two weeks to do

the bully be done so

for the whole

season yeah

well easy that’s maybe

like more than two weeks because i have to go to

do voice over how many episodes you guys do

10 at a time usually

wow yeah so it’s it’s a fun like

it’s like a fun little summer camp like

yeah yeah let’s go

phil bully be done it’s

gonna be hilarious

well must have been way more fun coming into this

season now that it’s a big

success yeah

like now everything like

everybody like

wants you there and

happy to see you

and all excited and what

it’s all pumped up what do you mean

people the network people in the

studio like you’re on a

successful show yeah that’s when it starts

that’s when it’s fucking badass

right when it’s

successful exactly yeah

those things are rolling

when things are man people

like that third

season of it

you know i never seen an audience

so pumped up

like yeah the

fans their fans

super fans like

first it was like just people who

were like what

what is this you know

when we used to film news radio

there’s a big difference between the

first season and news

radio like the audience and like the

third season

when it gets into

where the fans come to

watch the show yeah you know

that’s when

it becomes fun

yeah this is a

crazy experience

yeah film that much filming shows is so hard

in the beginning because no one knows what the fuck is

going on you’re trying to establish a

rhythm and it’s like you know you’re awesome

but nobody else knows

i wasn’t gonna say that what i was

saying is it just takes a long time well and i just

feel like everybody

everybody who works on that show is like awesome people

and and you know what

i mean it’s like they’re all cool be i got more into

doing the bully

beatdown job

by the fact that the people who work on it

are just so awesome

people they’re just such

awesome people so i’m like oh

like i really want to do a good job because

these people

right here are cool

so let me try to do a really good job because

you don’t see

them working but they’re working really hard

when all this shit went down with the cbs

thing where you got in

trouble and the big

fight and the brawl on television

did they give you

a hard time over that what do you mean what are they

gonna give me a hard time

about it for them

nobody give you a hard time

bully beat down people yeah like no one says like

you know hey you know i don’t even

think that yeah i don’t even

think their word what do you mean kid involved

you know you know i’m saying what are they

gonna do no no no no

what i’m saying is like when a controversy

happens like this

like they don’t

want you involved in anything that’s like

negative or anything that’s like

know like they don’t have

they don’t sit down with you and

say hey you can’t be getting into brawls because

you know you represent

the show no no

i think that they

i think they

understood side like

you know i mean like they

understood the

whole how the

whole thing went down right

but i mean in the news it wasn’t it wasn’t pretty it

wasn’t clear cut there was

a lot of people there blaming you yeah well

they’re just jerks

they didn’t get that mad

about it not

bully deep down

that’s like my

fighting career they don’t

worry about my

fighting career

i have i don’t feel like they the what do you

think that mtv is gonna

spank me for that no i don’t

understand i’m

happy about

it i was wondering whether or not anyone was concerned

bro there anyone said anything to you

no what nobody talks to me i’m just mayhem

so funny you say it like

like it’s ridiculous to ask but you got it

you got a bench clearing brawl on national television

but he’s a fighter that shit happens

that shit happens that’s it happened i can’t help it

it’s not vh1

i know man they have

come on they have the jersey shore on

know they don’t fuck around now people are just roofing

on there yeah it’s bad

you know i mean when i saw that girl get

punched in the face did you see that online

i oh yeah i thought like

i don’t think they showed on the show they

blacked it out they

didn’t yeah i think they yeah they blurted

or something why would they blur it

they don’t want people to see a girl get

punched in the face and then say

when do you look

because they

could show look we have a giant reading

spike right as this girl gets punched in the face

this is what we need we need more girls getting

punched in the face oh so they put all my men

did you see the girl that’s on dancing with the stars

sarah pilon’s

daughter whatever mr pilon

talking to the situation

yeah it was pretty fun that was

one of the most ridiculous

i thought of the soup the

soup is the best show because i get to see the normal

everyday funny

stuff that i

would never see

cause i never watched a show like that

man did the soup had it on there and

it was man bring it up just

bring it up house

you live in a year of

how strange is it that dancing with the stars i don’t

has brittow who’s like

seven was she like eighteen or something like

you know something like that now nineteen now

something really young

yeah like how is that

a celebrity

and she thought

yeah because she was pregnant because he was

because it was a

story that she was in the news mean that’s ridiculous

like how is that a celebrity

that’s so weird

what you know that like that

you know dancing with the stars like that’s what

they’re calling a star they’re calling this young girl

whose mom was running for

vice president

who just happened to get pregnant everybody knew

about it they’re calling her a star

but that’s so odd

that you’d have that is dancing with the stars you know

um here’s why she’s a star and the situation is

check this out very

you look at me like i just hit you with some zen

cone like what is the

sound of one hand clapping exactly

no she is but it’s like the line is

getting blurry now it’s like anybody who’s in the news

it’s not you know

when you dancing with the stars is no longer


it’s no longer

yeah but anybody that anything happened to

where they got famous

they’re stars

it’s like idols in

japan they already have that

idols and then you become

like a show

that they’ll

check in on

they’ll check in on you to see what the fuck’s

going on with you what are you doing

today crazy

you know like they

carry pres on

chick remember the

chick who ran for

was it miss usa

that yeah said what she thinks

about gay people

she’s always

get something man’s always something in the mix

well you’re talking

about the girl

wanna check up on her

the miss south carolina

pageant right

the such as like as no no that that girl was hilarious

but that was just a

brain fart that poor

chick she just

got caught in the headlights whatever that was adorable

was it adorable

yeah you liked

it i like my girls to be all scatterbrains

when you see a girls like

gingerly bambi like that ginger does

that get you excited like look at this girl

just drag her into the him

oh man or you think i club chicks over the head

and drag your personality bro

just with your personality just overtake them

you think so hey hey let’s run over here

see a girl saying like as and um

you can just dominate

your will tell me to have such a mind

she’s not retarded she’s just easily led

mmm so mentally handicapped

model supermodels is what i’m looking for

maybe sometimes it’s not the

worst thing that’s all i’m saying

not totally mentally handicapped but like

there’s a lot of people that are really

happy just hanging out with their dog

think about it that way

there’s a lot of people that are super smart and

super healthy

and they’re just hanging out with

their dog there’s nothing

wrong with that

you but a lot of people get plenty of companionship

just from their dog

so if that’s the case and they’re

super happy for the rest of

their life you

could date someone who’s really dumb

she really as long as they’re nice to you

who cares they’re cute

just like having a dog somebody like this

what are you doing brian

that’s that

video that we’re talking

about excuse me oh god

have you ever had a situation with the

official situation

excuse me stitch

oh snap be paling

you mean to tell me that

girls actually fall for that line come on i mean if

those words don’t work

i got the situation

right there

i hope you’re as committed to safe sex as you are

those abs i know you’re all

about that abstinence

thing you know but

come on be palin

are you serious like you’re not

gonna hook up with

like before you

married for real

for real for real for real

for real for real for real

alright well you know

what i mean just in case you do get into a situation

i want to make sure that you are situated because

if you do get into a situation with your situation

you may end up with a situation

and you may not like that situation

trust me though

i’m not getting myself into another situation

i know how hard it is to be a

teen parent

you know what i totally respect that

and i totally respect abstinence

i mean actually has the word absinthe

on the situation i love that very

funny but i’m worried

about you and

you practicing safe sex i actually practice a

whole lot i mean a

whole lot talk

about the safe part of that

the safe part we got the safe part down pat what pile

magnums you know what

i might be able to

spare one i mean you know i’ll give you one

it’s fine i avoid situations all

right good good if you’re good in avoiding situations

and you’re situated

and i’m situated

situations under control

well i’m glad that we agree on one thing

pause before you play

pause before you play that’s probably

you know what what is this a fucking high school video

who made this i know it is what was this on

hold on what was this on the

the candies foundation

what was it on

television what

was it commercial what was it i don’t know

it was a psa bro from

the situation

yeah it’s a psa of some sort dude

that shit was designed by the terrorists

that’s designed to

lower our standards and weaken our wills

and they’re

gonna fucking

cross our borders and just

start raping and pillaging

totally motherfucker that was dumb

yeah holy shit that was scary dumb

that’s the situation

the situation needs situation

gotta have the

situation situation

whoa whoever

wrote that they’re just trying not to get

should tie a bicycle

chain around your neck

they’re trying to

jump into the ocean

they’re trying to give the kids

a bicycle chain yeah so that means they can like

pedal out of it so

maybe slowly drown

what i want him to slowly

drown a bicycle

chain yeah just

enough swim out

so i’m dropping you in the middle of the

ocean the middle

ocean i just want you know

you gotta get that

chain off first yeah

what i’m saying is fuck you bitch

goddamn man

jesus stop knocking the

microphone man you son of a bitch fuck

aren’t you hearing that no i don’t even hear it

does it hurt your ears

yeah dude it

hurts everybody was listening to that’s just loud

as fuck okay

here’s the situation

situations parents

out town they just don’t want people to like you know

bang each other

well what is that

about she’s pretending she

doesn’t take dick anymore

how dare you

right how dare you you know

he’s taking acting like he

doesn’t have

like sex without a condom

yeah he’s pulling out condoms that dudes had

sex in a tanning bed he’s probably not wearing a condom

you don’t think so no

did you have sex in a tanning bed on the show

probably well that’s

gotta be bad for your eyes

have you ever masturbated

on your tanning bed no i sometimes masturbate

about the chick that

checks me in at the tanning

bed because she’s so fucking hot and she has huge

tits and she’s oh wait

never mind well they

say they have a problem

they have a problem with

women doing that and tanning beds i’ve

heard that the

women like to masturbate

tanning beds who

wouldn’t want to masturbate

in the hot room right whoa

we hit like in a little bubble you got nothing to do

with eskimo the worst is if you

spray though and then it’s like

early on in the tanning it starts to like sizzle

oh yeah it cooks

you’re cooking jizz off it’s on your stomach oh

it sounds like it’s a little

seven up can by your ear the low point of this podcast

jizz onwards

cookie jizz

omelets sorry man dip your

toast did i go too far no

no such place

period blood

how many times have you walked out of the

house with dried loads on your stomach

never never never just

throwing a shirt on and said fucking i

felt my belly like i missed a spot or

something like that i just feel a little crunchiness

jim norton had a load in his belly button from the

night before and we were on opie and anthony

and he was telling everybody

he’s like oh i’m smelling it hold on a

second and he dips his finger in it and he gave it to

one of the interns i forget who it was and

he made smell it

and he almost threw up

and then he goes you wanna try it i go all right

what so he sticks

he sticks this i mean basically

i smelled it so that that dead why would you say

smell was because i was there that

was on the radio fuck it i’ll smell it

i smell some of

the load some of his

belly load came into my nose in the form of fumes

basically i would say no to that wouldn’t you see

that yeah yeah i should have said no

well on the radio

i’m just trying to think of joke

sure i’ll do it yeah but it’s the listen to the

radio when you’re on the

radio just like on this

podcast everybody’s at ten you just trying to have fun

right try to do what’s the funniest

thing the funniest

thing is a guy says you want to

smell my stinky load you go

okay fuck it come on we’re on the

radio you know

i’ll smell your load

if you really want me to

you know and he was kind of

shocked as i was that i was

smelling it can i go to the bathroom

yeah go ahead

man it’s ready

to jerk off then

put load in my

belly button don’t do it

don’t do it

there’s something

about the shape of the

belly button that makes the loads

ferment and fester

again are you really moving

no he doesn’t really have to go to the bathroom he’s

don’t have to go to the bathroom

thanks dude

brian didn’t see it

he didn’t see them the joke

man good job

you didn’t even get my jokes was an awesome joke

brian you just

totally missed i was doing something i can

we’ve got it down to a science of how much pot you

should smoke before one of

these things

no i was finding another

video for you

and when you guys were talking the stars don’t

lie the line

was another

video another psa with the situation

because i don’t know if i can fucking take

it bro i felt like you wasted moments of my life but

at the same time i

think it’s a step in the

right direction that

abstinence people have gone well

people aren’t

gonna stop fucking so try to wear a condom

like that is that what

they’re doing yeah because before people the abstinence

people are all religious it’s all religious people yeah

no one has a brain

it’s talking

about abstinence

that’s just

against you but

why would they get this

situation if

that’s true why

would they even

think for a

second that the situation would

best represent that ps

i think because they

think of him

a lot he’s the guy who bangs a lot

know i mean whatever

they’re trying to

paint a nice way i

think they just

think he’s famous i

think it’s that simple i think it’s

simple as yeah

simple as he’s famous

he’s in the news

if they can get him to do it people will pay attention

yeah it’s true but that shit is so

bad that hold

the situation you know if you get in a situation

and her talking to me is so dumb joey diaz

this better not be what

i think it is

i think it is joey diaz cigarette how dare he

i’m not answering shit

so joy anyway we’re not

picking up the phone bro

i need to remember to unplug this

phone most people

don’t call me when we’re doing the podcast

but occasionally someone gets

confused robot off

i know i need one of

those right

yes just need to unplug it

problem is the base is not in this room

i’m a disorganized


brian i wish i had a ewok

i’ve made great strides though in creating this room

we actually have like a

place where we do the podcast

every week and feels like

this is where it all comes from feels like it’s right

it’s a desk

it’s like we got a

sound board it’s all professional

equipment and shit

you know a friend of mine just

started watching the podcast and he

started with episode one

and he’s like holy shit dude like this is the craziest

thing ever like

you guys were just sitting in

front of a laptop

and you had snowflakes coming down that’s

right we did

all kinds of

stupid it was like

christmas eve or something

like that or yeah was it something like that yeah

room was on our

urine why don’t i

get any snowflakes

we don’t even we lost that tech listen

it’s hard enough to keep the

image on the air you know with

these these u

stream feeds

like a lot of times it cuts out and a lot of times

you know our internet will

shut off and it cuts out it’s a pain in the ass man

you know you just want to make sure that you just

where do you get like the most important

thing is the audio

where do you get a tube that goes

right to the internet

i’m not even sure what the internet is

me neither do you know what it is

like if someone

said hey you

gotta go fix the internet

it broke i know like

where would you walk to with your tool belt

like you like

is it the end of this hallway

i mean it would be

broke forever if it was just left off

yeah we’re stupid

no problem you

would be like

where the fuck is it

and how do you fix it you

would have to relearn the whole

thing i figured

like it’s wrong

oh what’s up what

about tron it’s

gonna be very strange when

everything’s wireless

which isn’t it’s

gonna be inevitable

when it’s not as when it’s

you know not when there’s no difference between being

plugged in and not being plugged in

which is probably inevitable what are you talking

about it’s like

that now yeah but it’s not totally like that now

there’s a lot of

places don’t

have wi fi there’s a lot of people that have

their computer

yeah this computers plugged in

but there be eventually with that’s not even an option

like you know even

why would you get a plug be stupid

you just turn it on it just picks it up

it’s everywhere

you know that’s that’s the next step

it’s so it’s fucking fascinating shit man


shit where all

these computers and it sucks when the shit

starts going

wrong though like my shits just all together

going wrong

at the same time and i feel like i’m just in a disaster

right now the computer

you have technology my computer

you’ve had a

bunch of problems

and one of them that you shouldn’t talk

about too much

because of the nature of the problem

you know that one with

the software

issue oh yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah no no like

you know i’m saying

right all the back

you need a flashlight

no no like almost

i thought wait i didn’t what were you talking

about it in your

eyeball what no

all my shit’s like

breaking at the same time

like my dog decided to eat my laptop

cable and my battery decided to die my hard drive’s

dying and then on like my tv

my hdmi cable

shorted out

my washing machine

broke the other day

it’s like everything is

breaking now so

beginning the

apocalypse project it is

a mini apocalypse

in your house

technology 2012

i just thought you had like

superpowers or something and like

to magnetize

the broken cables i did i thought

what are you doing

i’m putting it inside out that looks fucking disgusting

don’t do that bro

this is the

flashlight that our

guests have to

touch man we’re

abusing it and man handling it and i feel it’s really

dirty when you take it out of the sleeve

to clean exactly

like it looks really disgusting

is that the butthole ones

this is either

one that you actually used remember

no no it’s not

man that looks

like a real life butthole i have to say man

i’ve seen a butthole

or two or they

make an actual mold

it’s a real

life nick diaz

someone yeah

nice well you know

if you weren’t

into doing gay porn but they offered you a million

bucks for a foam mold of your butthole

they said listen we’re

gonna give you a

stone cold solid one million dollars all we need

we’re just gonna

throw some plaster of

paris over your butthole and make a little

impression of

me yeah sell

your rubber butthole

would you do it i’ll do it for like

sixteen dollars

sixteen dollars

that’s i mean

what random

brian for for publicly for a mold of your butthole

this would be like an argument

that i’d have to have with my manager not oh you

like don’t do it i don’t

think you should oh right

to put my name

on it it’s a million dollars you

wouldn’t do yeah

yeah you sell your butthole

are you gonna do it

well i’m putting it out there

right now i’m putting it out there to all the

would be but people

no i don’t think your ass little over right i don’t

think you get it

i think you’re right but that’s my price

million one million yeah i won’t do it

you’re pricing yourself out yeah

but i’m not

but i’m not if some

crazy old gay

freak with a lot of cash steps up

let’s talk you down let’s talk you

know what do you mean no

mass produced

how much for

mass produced who has to be one million dollars

okay it’s really simple you can’t you

wouldn’t go down you

could get a rubber mold of my butthole

and it will cost you one million dollars i

think i’m quite clear

i would do for 10

000 chris i don’t need to negotiate

either way i’m

happy i’m happy if it’s yes i’m

happy if it’s no

i don’t care

i’m glad you have your

price if it’s no

i keep some

self esteem

points i feel good

about myself

if it’s yes

holy shit i just made a million

bucks to lie down with some plaster

paris over my butthole all

right let’s take it the

other way then okay let’s do this all right

at what point do you sell yourself so bad

you know what i mean

you can’t recover all right how much

money would it take you to like

suck a horse you know you can go that far yeah

yeah you can go too far

you can certainly go too far

right but could you okay how long is it taking us to

stick what if you only had to suck a horse’s dick

until he came

well what if

horses come really

quick you know i don’t know i bet they’re

super sensitive are you talking precon

or full cum

i’m taking a full

load a load

to swallow it because you can’t okay

it was like a precom

a precom is probably a 12 gallon

someone might be able to get fucked by a

horse but i don’t see anybody swallowing a horse load

all right you will fucking drown

and that’s the

worst way to call the paramedics when you’re

drowning by horse load

and that shit

would happen man maybe that old man show guy that

would chug the beers imagine

him just trying to keep up with

those horses

well it’s like

of course you wouldn’t want to do that of course that

would be a terrible thing to do but

what if it was and this is the

ultimate hack premise but

what if it was

for a hundred million dollars or something

crazy like that or a

billion i know

dude suck a

horse’s dick for an hour for a billion for an hour

my bad i should have

never said that man

we don’t have to actually suck it for a

whole hour because it probably

it won’t take that long

but you’re committed

you’re committed to attempt

it for one hour does it have

to be a horse or can it be a pony

i was thinking

i was thinking like that’s how juvenile

i am yeah i know i’m so juvenile

that was the funniest thing i’ve ever heard in my life

you just i pause

for a second and pictured you blowing a pony

that’s all i could think of

the pony was

brown and white too it was really cute

great so like mine had red ribbons in it

yeah i was like why does it have red ribbons

what is it about little kids that love ponies and

horses and shit like that what is it man no idea

having having little kids man my

daughter loves horses she loves

horses and ponies like all little girls the giant

nice animal

that you can ride it’s like that’s like but she

doesn’t know you can ride it

what she doesn’t know she’s two

she doesn’t know you can ride a fucking

horse that’s

ridiculous she

must have seen somebody at affairs she’s seen barbie

yeah barbie right

maybe she’s seen it on

movies she’s seen it in

movies animated

movies for no reason

but what is it

about girls and

horses do you

think it’s something

sexual absolutely

i’ve talked to a few people before

they all say it feels fucking great yeah

it’s constantly

rubbing their pussy

i look at where

their sexual

organs are it’s

like they’re constantly titty fucking that

horse why do you

think it’s like i live in equestrian district

and why didn’t like

every time i go to starbucks there’s at

least four of them in there

they are always

plain jane girls because they can’t get any

so they fucking ride

horses no they’re never

hot supermodels are

never fucking fat chicks

plain jane girls i will

make you stop riding horses

i agree like what

and i don’t believe

come on really you believe that all the women that ride

horses around me all the

women in my neighborhood who ride horses

look like they’re getting away with something yeah

they’re like this dog

in the face like smirking

looking you in the eyes

looking in the eye whether

while they’re not in their jeans

there’s a huge

brown muscle underneath them just and it’s moving

clip clap clip clap yeah

watching iphone porn as a writing the

no no that was in the hair the standard

excuse for why a woman lost her hymen

her number the number one excuse was oh she lost it

horseback ride right

did you know that now i

do because you know it was always hey you know they

check to make sure version what’s going on hooker

you been getting dick stuffed in there

no i ride horses like oh okay that’s cool

so it was legit to buster i’m yeah

legit to bust your helmet and

bust a nut i bet they do i

think the cowboys used to carve out their

saddles and make a little holes when they were really

did they yeah just

stick their dick in there

he just made that up

you fuck that’s what i would do

is that what you do fuck yeah i

would think of something like that make a

flashlight somehow to attach to my saddle so

you jerk off master

i think you’re

supposed to hold on a long road trip you jerk off just

turn off the whole time

i’ve jerked

off once in a car that i can remember yeah i

think i did it

again i definitely did it once though

and i was working

and i remember very clearly

after i came thinking

i’m definitely

gonna do this

again i’m such an

idiot like being

disappointed with myself

like i know i’ll be doing

it like it’s not like i just jerked off all over myself

while i’m driving once

like this is

gonna be a regular

occurrence so i’m

thinking this is eventually

gonna become embarrassing for me

but then what happened man i

never did it

again i don’t know what happened i

never used it

well i guess

maybe i just rationalized i like looked it like what

really a horny

my really that

horny or am i just looking to be distracted

while i’m driving like what am i doing

right now this is

stupid life or

time management

plus it’s hard

to look at your gps and imagine it’s a girl no

didn’t you have a

chick that got jealous

because my gps my

voice listen to this

he had a fucking gps

thing where it was an english

woman’s voice yeah

and his girl got jealous and

was just get

she kept on making me change it to guys

and then like i

would download like the british

chick it was a tom tom and i

would download like the british

chick and she be like

what the fuck is this

chick just turn it to the regular guy this is

what do you

think she’s hot what is whoa

that is so real

yeah crazy man

so oh what kind of a hell were you it

was when gf

first came out

was it a fiery

lava fill it was

when gps came out hot

sticker up the ass hell

tell me about that

thing it was

just when gps came out and for some reason it

annoyed her she’s like didn’t like that it was

a girl talking

but she said

do you think she

sounds hot she

asked why i just didn’t have like a normal guy

voice she thought it was odd

that i always made it like a sexy

you know like

asian girl speaking english

voice or whatever did

you ever that’s what

the they have that i have they have like british woman

uk you know

asian american

asian asian did you ever really

did you ever get to the

point where you were hearing that

where you were

going i have

to get out of this relationship no it came out to the

point where they had it

where you could make your own

recordings of it

and she did it

what the hell is

wrong with you man no i did

you did it why

would i want to hear myself talk to me

i want to hear the chick say

thanks lady

or i want to be like yeah

thanks baby

like you know

i did it so it’s like

turn the fuck up here you know i just

cuss and stuff

and she was

happy with that

yeah well what was she doing up after

i think around

that bro i would have

broke over the oh my god

i would have

kicked her out of the car

what if i right

there why it was

still moving

have you ever kicked a girl on your car yeah

what the hell are you talking what he

said the way he

said yeah you were

saying yeah but what you’re really saying was of course

stupid yeah i was saying of course

stupid that was my next

thing of course

of course how many

how many i’ve only kicked out one girl in my car ever i

think it was like high

school time though like i was like dude

get out of my

car like it was like little kids that have one

crazy bitch that i did when i was 21

just off to talk

just love to

fight just loved

to for whatever

reason just

start picking

fights when

you when you

date people you figure out like some people are out of

their minds oh this one was nuts

she used to like to

fight and then she used to like me to go hey

what the fuck is

wrong with you like stop picking on me

stop yelling at me just

fucking chill out you’re acting like an asshole

right i’m not doing anything to you

and then she would go

super submissive

it was really

crazy and then wanna fuck

that was like her constant strategy

so after it was like she wanted to be handled

so she wanted to rise up she wanted to say shitty

things and it would

build she would

start with like a little insult

and then it

would go on and i

would ignore it i

would try to just like please let’s not fight

and then we get to the

point where she

would say something really stupid

and i have to go hey what the fuck are you doing

do we like each other

why you talking me like this like what’s

going on here

this is dumb dumb shit

like you you’re not

you’re not considering my feelings

and then she

would go i’m

sorry you’re

right i’m sorry

fuck i’m an asshole i’m a loser

i don’t know what’s

wrong with me and then

she would want to crash

and she didn’t want me to fuck her

what is that so

it’s no it’s a

game it’s a

it’s a sort of like

you know it’s like a distraction

there’s sexual reward

you wanna fight

well it’s just they also have that pattern it’s usually

every relationship they’ve had has had that pattern

they have drama with

their friends

they usually have

drama at home it’s like some people become addicted to

drama and the big thrill

you get from sort of overcoming

drama you know how many dudes you know that just like

you have to fucking get in a yelling

match with this

asshole before you can be friends with them

you have i mean how many guys have

you ever met i mean our circles and circles of guys who

train and mma

guys and high testosterone


there’s always this one guy we have to go bro

what the fuck

and then he’s okay

are you trying to say that

about me right now no i’m just kidding

i’m just kidding bro

what the fuck that

sounds like something

oh coconut juice

it’s the shit isn’t it

i got a fucking complaint from a young man on twitter

what saying that the coconut

juice that i was

steering them

wrong that coconut juice tastes like shit

yeah well he’s

gotta get the right stuff you gotta get the

right stuff and you don’t you know i bet there’s

some people out there like man i like mountain dew gold

joe rogan made me

smoke you know

drink this coconut

juice you know

mountain dew gold

i have a problem mountain dew

no you know

what i’m saying there that they’re just like

whatever they

do they drink mountain dew

every day and that’s it you know

think guys like that

you like the people the same people that make fun of me

for enjoying

grape vodka

would you like

flavored vodka

faggot you need to

drink budweiser

i’m sorry for

dropping the f bomb again

you can say whatever

you want well i’m allowed to do that yeah i don’t care

i retired not

you know i only retired

because i saw that i know i i i stopped knowing it too

really yeah you be only because

i want to say it sometimes got

used to it because to me

it means something way different yeah i saw that show

louis uh louis

yeah and i saw the guy and

i was like oh i was like oh i get it now i see why the

gay people hate that word

because not correct but it’s ph

now but to them it’s like real hateful

heart like like and i’m like oh to me

it’s like what we say when we’re little kids

like like you just like

whatever fag

like you don’t mean it at

anything get

like i’ve been saying it for so long i think that

ph that was a

great scene but

what i was saying is not correct is

when he was saying that the origin of the word faggot

meant that it was

would throw them on the fire just like faggots of wood

that’s not no that’s not the correct what they call

etymology is not

etymology no the correct one is that

faggot like a bundle of wood

was a burden and it was difficult to

carry so a woman

became a faggot

so women were faggots because

they were a bundle

of wood that was difficult to

carry they became burdensome and then

when they would talk

about guys who were gay

they would call them faggots too because they were

women they were just look at him he’s a faggot

he’s a burdensome woman

so that’s what the correct so

we’re calling

jason’s mama fag it was actually proper terminology

well i don’t know if his mom was a burdensome woman

she might have been a joy to be around

a wonderful companion

like a bundle of wood

could have been i don’t know

so that’s but either

way yeah it’s it’s a problem is that it has a different

definition for gay people

and it does

that’s the only

reason that i’m i don’t want to say because oh my bad

how long ago you retire

i don’t know a while ago

that’s really

whatever i saw i saw that

and then not

cause they did it took a

while i saw it and i thought about it

and i’m like yeah that is like hate like

hateful word like it was such a

right to them and to me it’s not that way

and i understand why people say it because

when you want to like just respected dude

as much as can then you just say that but you’re not

thinking you’re gay like

it just has a nice ring to it it just

sounds like mean

that’s why people

you know say it but yeah it

sounds very dismissive i

never said it’s a gay dude ever i don’t think

never have either

yeah lucy can have that

great talk about it

unless he was being a faggot

yeah he said something

about did you

all the people from phoenix or phoenicians

shut up you faggot

you know that’s

hey not about the saying anymore

i’m just quoting lucy cat oh dude

you’re just gonna

start quoting people that’s what i do

this is i want to keep saying faggot

by bringing up that i’m not saying it

until the end of time

well you know there’s always another time look

i’m not gonna ignore topics we’re not

gonna pretend it’s not real ladies and gentlemen

okay all i’m saying is i’m not gonna use it as a

slander as a slur

it’s not a slander

you’re gonna be like mad at somebody you can be like

if i didn’t retire that word faggot

right now would be a proper time to use

yeah wonder if i can still say faggotry

because that’s not even the same word

that’s like saying niggeredly

yeah no yeah that’s the that’s a

tricky word that’s a stemming stingy it has no origins

it’s not not at all not at all i know it’s so weird

the word it’s close

i said it i said it i don’t give a fuck

not calling anybody in it that means we’re just

admitting that

it’s real so you’re more scared of gay no

i’m not saying i’m not calling anyone it

i’m just saying that it’s a word

and sometimes when you’re talking

about the n word

it’s more offensive to me

to say the n word oh

joe here we go you

silly bitch

so we go sit you’re

we’re going

again with you

you fucking terrible person

did you call someone’s mom faggot

no i did not

you called my mom a faggot bro and i know jason forgot

about it your mom

he called his mom

his mom’s gay and he called his mom a faggot

oh really yeah

brian did you think give a fuck look at him

he’s reckless whatever

brian’s doing standard why does she have like a

short haircut or something no she’s

a lesbian she’s a real lesbian

a real life

lesbian he’s running around calling her a faggot why

because that’s

brian that’s how he rolls he doesn’t even any

reason i called your mama faggot

yeah why did you call my mom because she

felt was tight like an asshole

what what she was tight like an asshole brian

man this is the worst show stopper you’ve ever thrown

i know dude why would you say that to mayhem’s mom hey

dude my mom downloads the podcast bro

does your mom download the podcast yeah oh bro

why do you just ryan

bad what did you just do

you’re gonna have to go back and edit this

this is gonna be the lot

you’re gonna be listen

you’re gonna somebody somebody

tweet me the time here my mom wakes up in like four

hours bro how dare you man that is not cool

not at all dude

whatever and she’s very sensitive

about i’m sure that’s a good

thing as she was sitting around at

least she didn’t say you didn’t say i was

sloppy you know

sure she probably is happy

about you insinuating you fucked his mom i did not

you didn’t fuck my mom well you i make she

said she came out here

she said you guys talked on twitter

huh my mom say you guys talking to

how crazy is that lebron james story

one of his one of his teammates was fucking his mom

yeah that’s crazy do you know that story wow

one of lebron’s teammates was

fucking his mom makes sense

that’s gotta be rough here wait and what team

might be here

yeah whatever no the other one oh yeah

cavaliers yeah not a lot to do up there in cleveland

so they just fuck people’s moms yeah

fuck people

this has got to be a lot of things

ahead of fuck this guy’s mom i’m from columbus

it’s true we just fucked each other’s moms dude

how happy you when it gets to be like my mom my mom

is from columbia

i’m not kidding really my mom is from columbia that

makes sense that’s where i met her

fucking marysville marysville

where that’s where i matter leroy

you’re not letting this go this is horrible so quick

my mom’s gonna be pissed

watching this podcast yeah man mrs mayhem i’m sorry

yeah for my friend brian

most of what he says is just for comedic

value he doesn’t really mean

dude this whole

thing is you can’t take anything seriously on the

podcast please

don’t i would like to kiss her in the buckeye

it’s ridiculous

please don’t take anything i say ever anywhere

seriously i know that’s the problem i have it’s not

worth it it’s not worth it

it’s not worth it

that’s too much of an investment right

i wouldn’t take

anything i said seriously we’re just saying

it tastes well it’s fun

yeah i mean that’s what

the beauty of podcast are

folks you’re

getting a little

window into a retarded conversation that

mayhem and i

would have probably had with or without you

probably right fuck yeah

that’s one of the coolest

things about doing this podcast is

basically hanging

out with your friends except

other people all throughout the

world and i’ll tell you man i’ve gotten

all these fucking

emails and i met all

these people

that tell me how

they don’t have anybody like

these people

they don’t know anyone like you or like a lot of the

guests that i have they don’t know

these fucking people they don’t have anyone like this

in their life

so by listening to this they don’t have people to talk

about but i listen to this

thing three you know four hours

every you know

every week or so

you get all

these weird different people

you know become a part of your

daily conversations

yeah this is like

super hyper

accelerating shit for some people

and from people that are living

in shitty places

where they have

you know poor

conversations with people and they long for someone

who can you know

bring challenging ideas to

their head yeah yeah

radio has always been like a format of like like

smart people i

think or people who like you wanna like

yeah communication you know you

want to enter a

house of communication yeah exactly i mean

there’s obviously a lot of bad shit like a lot of the

right wing raw raw talk

radio yeah but

that’s like

you know that’s for

those people

yeah you know what i mean like they want to

people want something to rally

against people want something to be a part of so

you know we all do i do i always wanted to win a

radio calling contest

i always wanted to hear my name on the

radio when i was driving like

somewhere dude you

should totally host

you should totally host some sort of a regular

radio show what

you could totally do something like that what

j host some sort of a regular

radio show and

mma hour yeah

you could use a

crank up a podcast you

could totally do something like for

serious or something like that it’s called blowing your

speakers you

doing it just

yeah you an hour

i didn’t even know

one time a week just

throw it in one time a week do it for an hour

are you offering me a job at serious

right now i’m telling you

brian can set up your podcast

for you he has a little podcast

studio red band

studios in his house

he’s rocking

right now and we did one with tom

segura and his lovely

wife the other day

he’s done it with ari and

jason we have a new one coming up with sam tripoli

it’s all about zombies

really zombies

sam tripoli’s doing a zombie podcast yeah what

more can you say

about zombies

i don’t know

it’s gonna be interesting

i feel like they’re all pilots

they’re all

i predict by episode

three he’ll just

start calling people a zombie so i

could talk shit

about him yeah

george bush he’s a zombie well

see him on tv that fucking

it was kind of like that one i used to do with the

pod cats with joey

diaz it was all

about cats but

like hey so let’s talk

about cat litter oh anyways you used to rape guys

you know it had

nothing to do with cats you know

i’ve never listened

to joey’s podcast but it’s called beauty and the beast

right yeah how is it

yeah it’s pretty good i like it i like it

that girl has such a cute

voice i could listen to her all day you know

does he get as worked up when he’s with her does he get

crazy and start yelling and shit

and sometimes yeah it’s you know it’s exactly what you

would expect

your ideas to be

jason i mean

you know who’s a big fan

of that is miss miller miss miller used to really we

drive home you know i like how you called her miss

miss miller not misses

ms ms remember that shit for a while

you’re trying to rock ms

ms i don’t you don’t know what i am i don’t

even know what i don’t even still to

that’s one of those things i just haven’t cared enough

about to like

learn about this

the mys yeah the metric

system of misses the misses and the miss

or you know you didn’t

i still don’t know it’s only one for men mr

i still you’re adding shit like the missouri

well there’s something else you don’t even

think about voting right when voting comes around you

like who do i give a fuck now i don’t want fucking

any court dates i don’t want to get audited or any

i don’t want to be in the

system as much as possible like did you just hear that

the government just closed down like

80 websites the other day

just pulled them off the internet and

weren’t they selling a bunch of pirated shit so i mean

can you just

overtake somebody

that has you know you know what torrents are

right they’re just like

they’re not was that what it is it was torrent

websites i thought some of them

were also like a piracy websites like

where people were selling like comfort

jewelry and shit okay

maybe but it’s

still kind of weird that they’re allowed to just go bam

you know i know what you’re saying seems weird well

obviously it is and

once they can

start shutting down websites

but if they’re doing

see that’s the tricky thing

a lot of people

you know you got to recognize that the

courts have decided that torrence

and downloading copyrighted material

is stealing you know i mean

that’s how they’re looking at it

so if the courts are

if they’ve made decisions like that

and then you’re

gonna run a website or some sort of a torrent site

where you’re gonna

get people access to a

bunch of illegal shit

you gotta assume that eventually someone’s

gonna shut you down

right right

well look at the pirate bay i don’t

know if you saw that they just went back they lost

right they lost

and then they lost the rebuttal or whatever it’s called

and now they’re

going to jail and

it’s the website

still up though

it’s like wait

so some are

going to jail

yeah and then they just

toured out on

those how do

those guys make

money how does something like that advertising man

there’s so much advertising on that website it’s

ridiculous and people

pay just to have an ad there cuz nobody pays attention

those fucking ads right

right you don’t do when you go to

website was last time you

clicked an ad

some has to be

absolutely fucking outstandingly interesting

they’re the kind that you just go there and it says

congratulations you won a gift card to the

olive garden

click here so it’s crappy like websites yeah

nobody like


but they’re paying them they must be paying a mad loot

right i don’t know in

order for them to be

fighting this like this

they’re not

so you think they’re just

fighting it just

because they want freedom they want to be able to just

trade numbers

i don’t know that’s all it is really

i think that’s the whole

point of you know

you can’t bust somebody for having

you know you can’t bust somebody for

stealing of

whatever a milli vanilli

cd if you don’t have the

milli vanilli cd

on something you’re serving you’re just

pointing it to all

these different directions you know

i see what you’re saying it’s like torrance

yeah if you’re

going right to the

people yeah

yeah like torrance are just

using like you have a

piece of a file on your computer somebody else has a

piece of file on

their computer

and all this website like pirate base

pointing like hey this is

where to go to get

join this hallway to walk down

this is the

hallway down there to walk down

right but it’s

coming from someone who already bought it and they

should be able to give it away

is that what you’re saying

no no i’m just saying what

someone somewhere another somewhere had to attain

a copy well yeah

absolutely no

what i’m saying i’m

saying that

they stole it i’m saying what’s

scary about the pirate band what’s

scary about a lot of

these places if they don’t actually have files on

their computer they’re getting arrested for

things then what makes it stopped in

you know like you getting arrested because somebody

put a torrent file on your form

even though

it’s not hosted on

your computer

but their whole entire purpose for

existing on the internet is to connect people

with other people that

have things available for download that are illegal

yeah but so

google has maps and then it tells you

where to go to murder people if you want to

keep oh but that’s a big leap though the whole

it’s not like google’s called murder google well

it’s like but you can you can

lose advertising or hey

check if they got

murder google com

i want to start that

serial killer google

i see what you’re

saying i totally see what you’re saying

but i also see like that you know they

if these company look

for sure a music companies

have suffered big time because the internet well

yeah i think

it’s a just

gonna shake it up like yeah eventually

if shit is like for me

clicking on itunes is so easy

that i go okay i’ll just

click on itunes me

too you know i’m saying like i’ll just buy it because

and not cause

you know cause i have a boatload of

money cause i

would buy about the same amount of

music as i do now

but like if i was like

super poor but like it’s like

so easy to do and i don’t even want to

steal this the only time

i ever download

something is when it’s not available for sale

you know if i can buy it i buy it i

buy everything

are when it’s not out yet yeah it’s just they’re

finding that equalized

they like pressure

and i think that that

those torn files that’s awesome technology

like they need to

you know use that in

legal ways you

know what i mean like that’s just how it is yeah it’s

it’s a whole

the whole issue is a very

tricky issue

because on one side you have to say well this

you’re stifling innovation

by stopping all

these people from doing all the

stuff and by putting in the

brakes on all

these sites

but the other side

you go wait a

minute how the fuck are

these people supposed to make money

you can’t just have something for free

that i want to sell for 20

on amazon com you

could download and tell but

what i’m saying is it’s the same as

oh my god like cds are gonna

gonna make everybody you know writable cds is gonna

ruin it for the

music industry now they

gotta find an

equal pressure where

where the well writable cds did a little bit of a

dent but of

course the big

dent was done by the internet yeah of course that’s

it i mean look man do you remember when there was like

record stores

yeah but they want to rent

now it’s so easy just to click

you know life

is getting better but you know some people are

gonna suffer for sure

yeah i’m lucky i live

across the street

from a record

store that does used records and rigo record so

every time i want a cd i just go there and spend

3 99 for a ucd

you know oh

what’s the name of the store

don’t say it because then people know exactly

where you live

right and live

right across the

street from it

brian i was testing you yeah

i’ve been to amoeba

amoeba records is pretty dope

amoeba sweet

you know it’s like some

weird whatever link

to the past

where you’re holding a vinyl

album yeah and

you’re like whoa this is a disc

and you spin this and something

scratches how

often do you buy a record

i’ll buy a cd though

i’ll buy cd

still from some

place yeah if i’m at best buy

and i want to listen to something

you know like

we have a rental car or something like that

but now that i have my phone

or my ipod hooked up to my car yeah

exactly that’s what i’m saying you have all your

media in your hand yeah what i miss though

is a real dj

i miss dj what

i do talk about there’s personalities cool oh

radio yeah like hey

it’s mayhem in the am

yes yeah let

that one dude

yeah ninety six

point seven

we’re getting

wacky this morning

it’s a big drive on the highway

today i can see that mayhem in the ahem mayhem

i could see that radio show now you would have to get a

black chick sidekick yeah

you would have to get to the

first one you’re gonna fire she’s just really you know

and then the

second one will know this bitch you get

crazy we’re gonna fire you or this is the mayhem show

right is in the tanya show

oh man so that

wendy williams will be i’ll be my sidekick

me and wendy williams talking shit about

anime yo do you see a fight this weekend like like

wendy williams would be like no

so funny haha

whatever and you’re gonna do traffic for me

right and then we got the traffic we got the cd

on the one on one yeah i would have traffic

would be like kittens

would be falling from the sky and videos

right when you were tuning into the

clouds it’d be some fucking

flaming skull

face scares the shit out of you had a little bit of

blood on my toilet bowl

seat when i got off today

have you seen that

video of that rat attacking cats yeah yeah

that’s pretty

crazy wait is there

some brazilian

jungle rat or something or it’s some

crazy rat i don’t know

where it was but this is rat

running after

these cats and

one time bites this one cat

and it’s stuck to him and the cats running trying to

shake the rat off

this rat doesn’t give a fuck

these cats are so confused

well i mean they’re domesticated

house cats they’re not

fighting giant mega

monster rats

that have been mutated by ooze

and you realize

when you see that how high rats can jump

they jump up to bite

those motherfuckers jump high

they’re like

an athletic animal yeah they’re pretty lowked man

we’re lucky rats are little

rats are big we be

we really be fuck man i killed a rat once

in my garage and i left it there because i was lazy

so i lived in encino

and it was a big fucking rat

cause i used to

leave the garbage back there and i

would hear like these

in my garage like clank

clank clank

i hear these loud ass

noises and i opened up my garage

i opened up the door and i hit the

light switch

and this fucking rat

moved across my garbage and it was like

like attack size like it

could attack me

like this is a big dangerous threatening animal

i was looking at this like holy fuck that’s a big rat

that’s called a possum

it was like it was big dude it was a rat

it was but it

was big man it was like half the size of a cat how do

you know it was a rat

cause i killed it

so set up a trap

got him got a rat trap set it up there

and i came back and he was fucking

big man like big and fat

and fucking i’m like this is eating my all my garbage i

would have put that on joe

rogan dot net if i were you

i fucked up this is before i even had joe rogan

the trap was in his ass

if i had acted back then i would

own joe rogan dot com

but i was sleeping

that motherfucker

that to me is one of my

greatest losses

he’s a real estate

guy very nice guy from

boise idaho

he wanted a

shitload of

money for he wanted like 80

grand something

crazy i was like what

i’m like i can’t give you that much

money man i have not

net they can find it you know now with google if you

want to find my website you can find it it’s not that

hard yeah i can’t give you that much for fucking calm

crazy asshole

i know yeah

you’re joe rogan give me some money

there’s another guy that has an

issue with that tom green why

tom because there’s another dude named tom

green you’re on there tomorrow by the way

right oh yeah yeah i’m doing tom green

i don’t know it’s good question

tom green’s

podcast tomorrow

tonight’s mod castle

i guess kevin

smith has some sort of a

whole podcast

like a studio setup

oh yeah just to do podcasts yeah

podcast you’re fucking taking off they are

and they are how

about mayhem and the a ham a podcast mayhem

if you want to do it man we can we

could set it up we

could do it at

brian’s place

you can come to my

house you can’t rape him no man no rape promise

who eric you

my promise not

to rape me chris over here

can’t his game

his name is fucking eric bro that’s today

used to be chris

which is for the record

he changed his name

brian first

but then chris

after he met you

and then eric

after today

yeah i always

i always can’t remember your name

yep because so your red band i can’t call

you i get a nickname on my head for somebody you think

eric i know you don’t your red band whatever

you’re just trying to

play with my emotions

dude you’re like that fucking laugh

this whole attitude you have towards life this

i’m not scared to be around mountain lions and

sharks why would you be

man whatever

i’m not saying look i’m not saying you’re

wrong i’m not saying you’re wrong i

think everybody’s scared to be around

i think you only

think about it more though

maybe yeah you’re constantly thinking i am too

too aware i just feel like i’ll deal with that when

when it comes up like i’m like ah

like right now i’m gonna live my life

and then i see a fucking mountain lion

right while i’m mountain biking

which makes

sense because they both have mountain in them

i would fucking deal with it then

it’s a very

weird thing when you lock eyes with a big predator

like a mountain lion in the wild

you know i only locked

eyes with the

one that i saw i only locked eyes with it for a couple

seconds but

that’s a very

weird moment when you saw it with your dog don’t

have a giant dog

yeah my giant dog was inside

here’s my little dog that was outside that got jacked

my giant dog it

stole it from you

yeah my no no

no my mastiff

was injured

so he had injured his paw

so i left him in the house

yeah didn’t want him running around up in the mountains

yeah they would run all over the

place up there just kidding

you know they’d get a pack there’s

three of them together and they

would have a good time just go run and play

and that kept animals away

but i have a bulldog and he’s lazy

and then this little dog

which was a chihuahua

excuse me pomeranian

american eskimo mix

and that was the one that

got jacked because he was out there wandering around

basically by himself he’s only 20

pounds and he

doesn’t have his 140

pound buddy

to look over his

shoulders and he

doesn’t have the bulldog because the bulldog

would go with them if the two of them were

going even though he’s lazy he

would go with them

there was a lot of action

there there was a pack that keep them animals away

but something had been

stalking my

house for a while

because the dogs

would just go

crazy they’d be on the porch just

start barking at the top of

their lungs

and you’d hear

things like snapping in the distance in

the dark strip

do i have to

worry about i probably don’t but i’m pretty

pretty much

i’m pretty sure i don’t have to but i was you crows

crows don’t

like kill dogs

right did you not see the movie

well i’m not talking

about for hitchcock brandon

crows are ruthless

crows are ruthless

right there’s

kill your dog there’s

this like i

think they can there’s

this guy and this girl crow they just sit out and like

make these clicking noise like

like the whole time

and then and then my dog will come out there

and just be like looking up at it and then once in a

while the crow just swoops down

doesn’t like attack it or anything

but it’s kind of like he’s just like

like about to

do it yeah you see in

the beginning

i left a steak outside

it was partially thawed

and not totally thawed out and i was

gonna barbecue so i left a

steak outside for

ten minutes

i came back there was two crows on it just

jacking the steak

just pulling out

chunks of the meat and squawking

and i chased

the dog chris

yo dude fuck yeah you have to

worry you can’t like

leave your dog outside if that’s what you mean dude in

japan they have

dogs for three

pounds and she’s a whore

three pounds

she’s a three

pound whore how

come out my dog’s fucking the crows yeah the corrosive

gang banging your dog

you get over you missed the

story vixen

he brought his dog to

a party where a

bunch of people had dogs

and they all took turns just gang banging his dog

someone at the same time all the dog good

ten dogs like a

giant pylon

what a slut yeah

man i love her twixie

sweet twixy

my hot dog dog is gay for sure does he

really oh yeah he had like a little tiny like dog a two

pound dog like that yeah

talking about

and he was like

not interested but like he had this little

like like titan

athletic muscular

little dude dog and he was just like all over it

front banging them

front headlock banging

them like really yeah i was like what are you all right

like wow you’re into dudes huh

stop i guess i figured

if i was just running around with just like a collar on

i would be you know whatever

the line is blurred

at that point

the line is blurry like

you’re running around the

color you’re a wild animal you

know whatever

if the females in heat then it becomes very

clear yeah that’s what i mean he was

sniffing at the coochie to

like quite a bit he’s like

my pit bull

was um he was

in agony one

night like in serious serious agony

where i thought he said something

wrong with him

like he’s got cancer or something this is crazy

he was like whining and

yiping and i’d come near him like what’s up buddy okay

and i’m like whoa this is

crazy my dog’s fucked up like he’d go down the

stairs and he’d be like limping as he was

going down the stairs

you took them off i feel real sad i’m like

my dog’s gonna die something’s wrong with my dog

i gotta get him to the

vet this is horrible he’s like whimpering

so i take him to the vet

he the vet looks me

he starts checking on my dog’s balls yeah

checking out his deck

and he’s like you see this is this

right here see how inflamed this is

okay there’s a dog in your neighborhood that’s in heat

that’s what’s

going on mike whoa

really he’s in agony

from his heart on

his dick was

so swollen it was so like like the glands

like here’s the balls and then there’s these

weird glands by the side

of the dick that are just like my dog has that sometime

yeah what is your dog fixed

no no my dog isn’t either and they

drink it big

that’s what i just said i said

he shouldn’t do anything

off they can’t

do anything you can if you want to jerk your dog off

but then red rocket how many times you

gonna do that in a row you know

like if i had to do it

every i don’t know couple weeks i

guess i could you could

do that yeah

mean he’s a good friend my friend

my friend demetrius

to jerk off his dog

yeah i’m gonna answer the

phones right there

same person disrespectful fucks

they don’t know we’re on the podcast

right shit man this tell you know what it tells me

it tells me they’re not

watching they’re not friend they’re not first hurt

my feeling same person keeps calling man they don’t

you on twitter what the fuck

it’s probably

it’s over folks

with that ring

comes the end

that is the end of the show

there’s no reason to keep going no

it’s 8 30 8 30 p m it is late oh man

fuck whatever son

mayhem miller you are you’re always

one of the most fascinating people to talk to thanks

for always a fun day to be around you mayhem by the way

writes a really

great article

fight magazine he’s one of my favorite writers

now i’m not bullshitting not just as a fighter

and i told him

very early on i’m like dude you’ve got real

talent and i really hope you write a book someday

because i think you could write some

crazy hunter s thompson shit his writing is really good

thanks man i mean it’s the latest

one you appreciate cause i’m in rio de janeiro oh

yeah and you’re writing

about your experiences

cause you were there for a couple weeks right

yeah yeah so i was out there for a while so i like

did everything

well what tell me about that real

quick before we take off i don’t know because

what what is real like man man is it

scary is it

scary read the article it’s

kinda read the article

give us a little taste

to it man i see the article

i’m here right now that’s like give me a little bit

that’s like a whole new

i don’t know it’s

crazy it was like

the next level i don’t know is i always had my

preconceived notion

right about

brazil due to

movies and due to

you know whatever the hell’s

going on right

and you know like my friends my brazilian friends the

fighters what they tell me about it

i have a new

found respect for for that city and i understand

my brazilian friends a little bit more now really yeah

so the article really

i could just see why they think that

everything it like

they have such passion for their

for their country because

everybody there has a lot of passion

like it’s like that like

it’s a passionate

place like people love to do stuff like

people are good at

things and like

they really love it and it’s

the stuff that’s

dirty is supposed to be

dirty like it’s kind of dirty

of course but it’s supposed to be

dirty what do you mean like

you say dirty

but in a bad way

that sounds bad but it’s like

the streets are

dirty everybody

drives with

a vengeance like

they drive crazy yeah

drive crazy but it seems

skillful i saw less

car wrecks there than i ever saw here

in la well it’s all what you get used to you know i

get used to that sort of

hyper driving like yeah

everybody’s used

to it it’s like

exactly everybody just

drives through

i don’t know man there’s so much stuff

fight magazine

well we’ll have it man for

december you

gotta check it out to

check out the

article did you see anything

crazy while you were there any violence anything

nutty i mean i saw

and the favelas

we went to the

favelas we went to a couple times to like really

yeah the ghetto

like yeah we went to the favelas and i you know i write

about that in this

article too man

about going there and people are like

collecting rainwater in

these drums

you know to

drink yeah to

drink they’re poor

and and they have like their

uh tapping into the

telephone poles to get electricity

yeah and like the streets are all

jagged and people own that area you know like

the drug dealers own the favelas and

stuff but they

have the boppies coming in like

which are the brazilian like

kick ass police

force they’re like the police station

you know i was

right there in the middle of the thing and

everyone’s running out like

the you can

it feels like a military presence instead of like

army the ones that they have

taken over and

been nice again well yeah it’s

crazy yeah there’s a big article

i think it was in cnn

this morning

about that but there’s tanks moving back in yeah

right now it’s like yeah a little bit of like some i i

marcelo alonzo this

journalist that i was out there with he kind of

told me you know he kind of told me that

it’s dying down

right now but there’s like a lot of guys

the drug dealers doing

crazy terrorist

stuff right now in rio

it sucks that

that’s happening

right now but when i was

i was in sao paulo in 2003

and a friend of mine went back in

2008 i believe it was and he was arrested for they

were so many

there was so

much violence between the police and the drug dealers

that they were closing down streets and highways

and they were driving to a chewhouse

korea with some business clients

and everybody

was pulled out of the car at gunpoint they had

fucking you know they wanted to make sure they weren’t

they were in a nice car and they didn’t know who

these people were and they wanted to make sure they

weren’t drug dealers

yeah they were just pulling people out and

sticking guns in

their faces yeah of course

said it was pretty fucking

scary because

they were killing police officers families

they would go to

their family and just kill everyone

really yeah

they were doing it for a

while man they were declaring war

on the police

officers it was pretty it was pretty looked out

no way yeah yeah

yeah brazil

you know and the

crazy thing

about brazil is

you know brazil’s

a beautiful insane like tropical jungle country

and the favelas

where all like the

chaos is taking

place is above

the regular city i know yeah rio

which is like the main cities in the bottom yeah

and then where the beautiful view is

yeah that’s all the project

they have the richest most

beautiful view like in the

world yeah you know

and they’re living in like cardboard

houses and shit yeah no they put that

stuff together on

their own like it’s like

crazy yeah but you know i mean

i can i can understand

why people love the country you know i

mean like i can

understand why it’s

definitely a passion filled country man yeah

that’s what i mean

that’s great man i don’t know i had a

great experience out there like i

it was just

their economy

is booming right now yeah

exactly they have so much

going on right now and they

found they also

found oil off the

coast of brazil so like there’s a lot of

money in brazil

right now their economy is not fucked

up like ours is it’s moving in a better direction

they’re talking

about doing a

ufc there eventually that

would be fascinating

but you know you talk to like

vinnie magales yeah

yeah sure he was talking about

the on the underground he was talking about

doing a ufc in rio

and he post i

think was him who posted some link of some

no somebody

else post the link of the formula one drivers

formula one drivers

were in some

sal paulo and they got fucking shot at in their

armored car i think

someone was trying to carjack them they’re in

armored cars

what yeah they’re trying to kidnap them damn

yeah kidnap

them or just rob them rob them at gunpoint

hoping they get some

watches or something

crazy yeah a

buddy of mine was there

and he was with a friend of his that was

doing something he had like a pocket full of

money and he had it

in his in his lap

and he was like

looking through it and trying to fish through it

and as he was doing this a guy came up in a motorcycle

looked at his gun

or looked at

his money pulled out a gun tapped on the windshield

you know told the guy to pull over

and they just robbed him

they robbed everybody

stuck a gun in their face

and just took everyone he said the guy

would just drive around

looking in people’s cars to see if they had nice

watches or what they had that looked cool and they

would just steal it

man yeah you

might be in the

wrong place the

wrong time son

that’s me bro the

voice of doom

dude i’m here

to tell you

you’re the most

bumbling me out

guy on earth

right now like

joe rogan is scared of the

world it’s not

i’m just aware

i’m not scared yeah

just pay them away

don’t get jacked but you

know as a person who’s constantly thinking

about shit i always have to be

aware of all the variables

you know you

think way too much bro you

think so i think you’d

think a lot you

think so too

i think you

think deep into some

things you don’t need to

think that deep it can’t help it though

it’s probably a sickness

it’s a sickness that manifests itself as

an excellent career

you know sickness of constantly thinking

about shit and

breaking things down to the finest minutia

that’s true

isn’t that ocd

though or something something probably that

that’s awesome

makes the hard

thing with me is just finding

the right things to

break down things that are productive

to tune my my energy to because you could

easily get that

i’m saying and that’s what makes

you like in

their online arguments or

video games or

you can get lost in a

bunch of like yeah unhealthy channels

hopefully you got some like good

stuff though that you ocd

about like butthole

tidiness and like

trimming and

stuff like that

you the show was

gonna end and it was

gonna be fine

right there

and you had a come in brian

no man he wants to talk

about your butthole

he’s all about bottles i told you one million

one million one million dollars

and no less

and i don’t need that million

bucks i’ll tell you that

right now i

would like it

i like it but if i don’t get it i’ll be okay

god damn it

jason might have mama

that was good

time yeah it was always a good time with you my friend

mayhem miller at twitter

i’m so how to

calm okay cool

i got another coconut

juice for you fellow yeah

brian’s twitter is red band we want to

thank the flashlight for

sponsoring the podcast

and again if you

would like to feel what it feels like to masturbate

into one of those

fine sweet bitches

all you have to do is go to joe rogan dot net and

click that flashlight

link and you get fifteen percent off when you

put in the code name what is it

rogan rogan

very simple

the tickets for the new year’s eve show

at mandalay bay will go up very shortly we

should have all that done within a couple of days

and as soon as i get it done i’ll let you guys know

and we might be doing one more podcast this week we’re

gonna try to get ralphie

may in here on wednesday

oh i just love

ralphie may he’s awesome

if ralphie’s got the time off we

gotta talk to him

all right bitches i love you and

i’ll see you soon somewhere

maybe not even see you but i’ll be there

and you’ll be there too and

let’s pretend we’re all in the same place

what is this iced tea

is this i see saying suck my dick no yeah dude

sounds like it

this sounds like

a black guy but

not to black yeah he’s not like africa black

you know he’s not like

check congo black

like saying

it he’s like skin it he

might even rock

an afro just to try to accentuate his more

african side

yeah but he has

braids yeah summer

yeah because if he had a shaved head you

might think he was an

arrow or something

right yeah maybe yeah

light skinning

probably like a yellow

maybe even got a little bit of like

white features

which is why he’s got such an extra

aggressive attitude

yeah i was trying to like

accentuate myself up

let you know

you know you’re

racist here here

that’s not racist brothers

i see i break it all down

i know him all

right folks

most likely

we’ll be back on wednesday i’m doing the tom

green thing tomorrow

i don’t have any details that’s tom

green’s thing

you could follow him on twitter i

think it’s tom

green live and

that’s it bitches i love you and i’ll see you next week

or sometime soon

or wednesday

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