oh come on I go
bottles reach the gate fuck me just say
fingers in the mouth open up
the
block
now now we going to the
how good was Piggy Man
the best the best ever with him
it was in the hospital with Tupac
and then it went dead with the
biggest debt and then it became hip hop
and then everybody was going out for dollars
and they made it a lot
they made a lot of shitty
music except for Eminem and Jay Z
Maybe NAS ralphie
May dropping rap knowledge
ralphie Mays in the house ladies and gentlemen this our
guest he’s very disgruntled at the
world of rap music and I know it’s your concern as well
this show and all shows are sponsored by the
Flashlight ralphie
you ever felt the flashlight sir
no no one has fucked this
but a lot of people have fingered it
well you know patent
rubber too this flashlight
is not a virgin
but it’s like a slutty junior high school girl
fingered a lot
yeah isn’t it amazing feels great right
pretty creepy dude
it’s way better than just
regular jerking off and the best
thing is if you have somebody else hold it and fuck you
it’s even more detached
from your own
body so it feels like you are actually having sex have
you done that Joe have you had somebody else hold the
flashlight for you know
someone else
I’m gonna fuck them how dare you
unless it’s a boy
why is he holding it well it’s
like the hand job it’s the newest hand job I mean if
the girls gonna give you a hand job nowadays
hey give me a hand job with a
flashlight instead
way better than a regular hand job is it
oh dude try it
how about a
good trend a girl’s hand is always
gonna feel better it’s a
human person
touching you
ralphie says no
I mean it’s
fruit can you come with
baskets I’ll fuck
everything what
no man what’s
wrong with can you come up
with girls giving
you a hand job is that what you’re saying yeah
you’re a demon dude
Ralph you need some more stimulation a pussy
okay I’ve never even come from a blowjob
what no yeah I’m saying Ralphie same way
I do not like blowjob
maybe it’s the way girls are blowing YouTube maybe
like this oh no
no that sounds great now with all the options
I’m married I’m sealed man I like all my shit I
just stay on the straight and narrow
that’s not what I’m saying what I’m saying is even her
oh yeah man
oh yeah man yeah my wife horrible blowjob
let’s be honest
I mean she’s a jubroad it comes with a territory
you know they nag but they’re good with
money they get great kids a lot of
Jewish girls that was the
reputation that they’d like to get blowjobs
not this one back in Boston
yeah that’s what I always thought I’ve never heard that
yeah I’ll go for
stereotype definitely never
heard of that whatever
ever oh my God really that’s some shit she’s been
yeah I’ve heard that
finally something good for the jokes I’m
lighting a candle just for that one tonight
we got a manure that we’ve had for seriously
9 years 10 years
I found in the garage I went and got a candle
all right and the kids just gonna sing
happy Birthday cause it’s all I know I don’t know any
other songs
I don’t really think
about it my wife’s not a good Jew
all right but I’m
lighting the candle just for that one
just letting my daughter know
she’s got a good rep
I always heard that
Jewish women are just the craziest in bed
they do anything they’re just this
crazy sex machine she is
and she did fuck me
so that makes her fucking crazy
yeah just black chick
I need to try it once
you’ve never tried a black girl no
I might get De niro’d son
there was this
might get bingoed
you might get De Niro
so you’re not even into white
chicks anymore you might start talking like Ralph May
I was at BW3
you might start gangsta now
come on baby no there’s this black chick at bw3’s last
night that next move was so beautiful
she was keep on going to you
what the fuck
what happened
you don’t even have to tell him that man I
guess a white dude who likes black chicks
yeah just be
you son embrace
embrace your inner love of black
chicks that’s the next move for you sir
that’s what I see that’s
some hard ass
black chick
that fucks the shit out of you and tells all your ex
girlfriends a step
fucks like Lil Kim well
so if you have any issues with ex
girlfriends they’re scared of that
black bitch
that girl makes a
big long nails
the girl at the bw3’s in Burbank the bartender yeah
you are cute
whoa and what are you a fucking 5 year old
go tell her in person
bitch this is faggotry
I don’t even
use that word anymore
I want to take you to the Olive Garden oh
Jesus Christ
Brian how dare you
how dare you
how dare you come off like a 12 year old on the show
I like you do you like me
check one yes no please aim me
just give out your A I am I know you got one here’s my
fucking weirdo here’s my Facebook
ralphie made rocks at so old school he
doesn’t even have a Twitter how do you like them
apples yeah what’s up with
that it’s almost non existent
I mean I do like 5 tweets you
text you text a lot
yeah and I’m sick Ralph you
gotta you gotta get on the Twitter the people out there
Ralphie that want to talk to you man they’re
happy you’re on the show
today and they go to my shows and they say what’s up
oh yeah there’s a lot of people actually they
today I got a lot of phone messages
people saying because like a lot of comics watch your
podcast yeah
yeah cool they’re like
I gotta move this out of my face
this is freaking me out
I’m shooting a gun
I’m trying to move around it while I’m looking at you
the podcast
stand folks
microphone stand rather
mm hmm it’s in his mouth yeah so while yeah you
gotta use the Twitter man it’s very important
there’s a lot of people that want to talk to you
and not only is it good for promotion it’s great for
writing comedy it gives you like
joke beginning to start talking shit
about things it’s fun yeah but I’m nervous
I’m nervous that
they I would become too exposed
what are you talking about
like you know
I would become too exposed as as like you know
a go to guy for free
you know what I mean it’s like you know am I gonna
I write hours and hours of material you know
right now I have 3 and 1/2
maybe 4 hours in rotation that I do separately
awesome and
it’s all different
stuff and it’s all the same basic thing
and so I found myself just writing the same
thing over and over again
in a different
form in a different subject you know what I mean
the same formula
and I’m nervous that I
would get polluted by
other comedians and and you know
I just don’t want to open myself up
by other comedians
you have to follow anybody don’t
want to follow and you can some people like I don’t
think Louis CK
for the longest time didn’t follow anybody Brie Olson
0 followers
really she’s
never replied had
never replied
to anybody 0 followers you try to make her
reply she will not
do it she’s almost seems like she’s like an app like
and you know it just
automatically puts something sexy
mixed with something
you might be
absolutely right
about that because I’ve read some of
those that she
writes cause they’ve been
featured on websites and shit and
they’re crazy
they’re all like
you know I’m
gonna go down to this high
school and try to get 5 dudes to
shoot loads and me right
right I’m at
the airport
right now I have
dried come in my face
but if you watch your
videos you like well
obviously for real
I mean she is
throwing down
Bri Olsen she’s
funny very popular
young porno star oh
with a wonderful personality
excellent sense of humor
she gets it
Brody Steven she gets set take me
she can take me
it’s weird man we’ve talked
about this on the podcast before
the was she one of the girls that
in like the biggest slut contest perhaps
I don’t know
maybe yeah I
think you probably right
yeah and she
was talking about
fuck a retard and
fuck dude those
I love it fucking
Tarz that’s awesome
those girls that do
those gang bangs
man that’s a different species that’s a
weird thing man
that’s another
human bro that’s another kind of
human speaking another
human I saw Jay London picking up
trash on Laurel Canyon
wow creep me out
you go from
he was picking up trash
for somebody is he working
man he had an orange jacket on I mean an orange vest on
maybe did something then he got arrested
I don’t know
I don’t know isn’t that what usually that is
is that guy
that get arrested sometimes
I think so man
I think so and it was crazy
yeah it was that
guy yeah last
Comic Standing
was it on the
season with you no
no I’m like the next one
he was on the next one
yeah you know Jay and I were on the
first TV show I ever did in 19 I
think it was 92
it was a Spotlight Cafe this
weird show in New York
and Jay was on it with me and
I always thought like wow this guy is so
quirky and interesting like
he’s gonna be a
famous comedian
then he got on Last Comic
Standing I’m like wow here it goes
maybe people and you know
people start recognizing him at the comedy store yeah
and then nothing happened
and then it all stopped
it just went away you have done the best
of anybody of
capitalizing on that last
comic standing
crowd and running with it
you ran with
that shit dude there’s a lot of guys who like
John Heffron ran with it pretty well too
but I think you ran with it even better
I’m still more prolific well
it highlighted you more than anyone
that you were the only person on that show that when I
watched you when it was originally on
I saw you blow up
audiences I mean you just destroyed on that show you
weren’t like
like a regular Last Comic
Standing person you were tearing up rooms
jay Moore came to me and told me
and showed me the minutes
from an NBC meeting okay
like he probably shouldn’t have
and he told me that they were nervous
about having someone my size
on NBC a lot
especially in
prime time worried
about like you
dying or something no just the image it
would put out there they were embarrassed by my size oh
and what does that feel like
it’s crushing
um but I use it as
motivation and he goes the only way they’re not
going to get you off of this
is if you get a
standing ovation every show
that’s the only way they can deny it
it’s because we can’t retake that tape
and and he goes we won’t be able to if you
every joke kills we won’t be able to show you bombing
what is he goes if if every joke of yours kills right
then we won’t be able to show that you bombed
to tell you that you lost to
show the audience that you lost
so you have to get a
standing ovation every show
and every joke
be your hardest that you’ve ever delivered it
that’s the only way
these people aren’t gonna get you out of here whoa
so we’re plotting to get you out from the beginning
because the way you yeah your body is yeah wow
but yet now one of
those shows on TV on NBC is The Biggest Loser yeah
well for those
folks who don’t
listen on iTunes and you don’t you’re not familiar with
Ralphie ralphie
how big are you ralphie
right now I’m 4 18
418 pounds that’s dumb down from over 700 wow
Jesus I know I’ve lost the
whole fucking fat guy and I’m
still fat you
know not that much of an
accomplished
hundred at one point
yeah man bro
you remember the back of the company store
dude you wanted to take me to the
strip joint just to see any girl getting near my dick
all right and
and you want to
throw me in your Acura
and it there was no fucking getting in
yeah that NSX was not having
it was sick it was a sick car but there was no way
I was getting there and I’m like I love you Joe Rogan
I love your heart
I love your
heart you have
to be careful
about what cars you get in huh
not anymore not
anymore not
anymore they all pretty much you know what I mean
I got into a ridiculous
600 000 Mercedes
Benz 600 000
for Mercedes yeah
what kind of car
you must get the
convertible and it’s like
700 horsepower
it’s a Oh I know what you’re talking
about it’s like the AMG
some shit baby Hills
Mercedes my friend
comedian is the sales manager there I
think it’s that Ron
Robertson I
think it’s 350
no it’s 6 49
200 inch plasma TVs in the
trunk I’m wrong
another model
yeah it’s just bad at but totally
the most uncomfortable car I’ve ever been really
yeah but my Beamer
I got a 650i
convertible
and it’s fine
I don’t have no problem
ralphie says no problem I’m all
about comfort ever
since I got my new car it’s like
the biggest mom car ever you know it’s a Ford Edge but
you know it’s
that’s a good
car dude it’s
fucking comfortable and it’s so techy like
you know it’s fucking
comfortable
as shit man
I love it I’m telling you what American cars
are fucking making a comeback
big time suit
warmers I got
a Ford Mustang
and your lower back you don’t feel it fatigue
you have a little I got a Mustang I drive
I got a Shelby
Shelby GT500
oh really convertible yeah you always
get good toys though
man you always get good this
one’s the dumbest one ever though all you have to do is
anytime you want
stomp on the gas and the
car go sideways
sideways right just
start spinning
wheels how many
horsepower is that 550
luma mentions tiny cars
lightweight yeah
it’s got a live rear axle so it handles like shit
but it’s fun you
stomp on the gas and
leaves rubber dude
it’s a pure American
experience a car like that
it’s not sophisticated
it’s not the best way to get around not the
best handling but God damn that shit is fun it’s fun
yeah you stomp on the gas it’s 550
horsepower and it’s
supercharged
so you hear the
supercharger
whine and you hear the BMW
supercharged
you hear the V8 and
the with the wine in here
that’s getting it done dude
it’s like a different
thing it’s not just driving
it’s not just getting in your fucking
your Yukon and you know
going to the
supermarket
there’s something extra fun
about it very it was
of course there
is man it’s like
James Bond like some danger shit
could have it anytime
just so it’s just a fun
it’s just fun even if you’re not
speeding it’s fun you
know just the lurch of it
just the the rumble
dude you feel the
power in those cars you
should hear my turn single when I go around this
it’s just awesome
it’s like those are good cars fuck it man yeah
you’re alright
Brian you’re making yourself over
you’re turning Armenian on me haha
you’ve got you’re moving to Glendale you got the beard
you’re oh yeah it’s
better than
ever is that
the next move glendale
I think well
my beard says yes but
I want to go to the beach
I can’t take it anywhere I need to go to the beach
something that’s calling me
about the really
yeah I just
the vibe the vibe in the beach really like that
peaceful man everyone
knows everyone it’s I totally agree
yeah I think it’s homeless and it’s stinky
I was like yeah
Santa Monica but you get down there like
play it already
go down her
most sites wider than
traffic getting there
white people what it is
white people
no homeless people the homeless homeless
person that’s there has a people as a credit card
is saying that
fuck white people
yeah right out of
their bullshit I am
tired of the bullshit
man this shit with fucking Arizona is bullshit
I mean white
people bad name
yeah the whole yeah
you know the real problem is
they don’t they’re gonna we
need to kill
these fucking
crazy assholes in Mexico they’re just
gunning people down for cocaine
28 000 since 2005 they
got a bad problem down there
and it’s it’s totally unattract
all of Iraq
US loss is 5 000
let’s put it
in perspective how many people that really is
yeah it’s pretty
crazy and that’s the ones they know
about yeah it’s not the heads of the desert
okay there’s lots of that shit
there’s a lot of that shit
going on mexico’s dangerous I like that yeah
it’s the border towns
especially I mean it’s really
crazy right now and most Americans are
blissfully unaware
of how nuts it is down there
they have no idea man if you go to person
man if you go to Laredo
Texas man fuck
that you are out the door it used to
be nice you used to go across the border
you go down like have a weekend in San Antonio and then
Sunday night go down there
laredo get a
great deal like a
great hotel
the holiday
in there it was safe
it was nice you go to Nuvo
Loredo across the bridge
bring back glass and
plates and stuff like that
and it was awesome living
Ron White lived there
yeah okay awesome it was just a
great river valley okay town
smell like cigars
everywhere it
would smell like
grapes no you get keep going
what else how
about candy
anything that Ron White
smells like
that’s he told me one time to bring weed
and I’m like you’re the only guy ever to ask anyone to
bring weed to Mexico what are you talking about
go talk to somebody
bring weed to Mexico that sounds like
a terrible idea
bringing weed to or back from Mexico
sounds like a terrible idea
man taking weed into
guam’s a bad idea yeah let me hear that
story son this is a Ralphie made
classic that’s making the rounds
and I don’t know all the details so I want to hear the
whole deal cause you got arrested somewhere
yeah I got stopped in Guam
for weed I didn’t know I had it on me
all right and I took out of my bag
3 and 1/2 ounces of weed
a full ounce of Keef
and about 20 grams of hash god
damn dude that’s what I took out of my bag like
he took it out before he went to the airport you
took all that stuff he made wants to party
yeah I like to get down I like variety you know I mean
look at me I’ve got no fucking
control okay of anything Joe Rogan
look at me except a fucking mess
okay yeah that
amazing control over your loads yeah
sounds like you got really good control all right then
the one thing I’ve got for me
but I’m a mess I mean I’ve got no sense
plus I get tons of heavy handshakes
I mean and those these guys aren’t
throwing ounce at me they’re throwing an 8th
to 1/4 you know
when I tell them how I was
stone and saw
the the miracle on the Hudson happen
just afterwards okay
we were down there at Chelsea Pierce
and people running I saw a fucking cop on a horse I am
stoned out of my fucking mind
I my act I sound stone like a biblical whore and I am
I’m fucking
wasted and I’m like walking seriously I’m fucked
up like if it wasn’t
like 29 degrees and
sunny I would have passed the fuck out
I was that high wow I had a big
thing a hash and I put that in the middle I made a Joey
Diaz Cuban sandwich
where the Ogs on the
sativa on the top and then a
big fucking chunk of hash about a over 1g and
an OG finish
okay yeah that’s
it I was the one of the most fucked up I’ve ever been
and I’m walking and in so much I’m
seeing people run from the end of the pier to the edge
overhead helicopters I see a cop on a fucking horse
and I’m like
and he was within
20ft of me and I’m like
where the fuck are you
going sundance
I mean it won’t appear
okay you’re on a fucking pier there’s people all
around you know my kid has been my wife’s arms you know
what the fuck wow okay
and we went down there to go see that I’m a kind of
a aviation buff
and the AR was
the Blackbird spy
plane the AR
71 I think it was
um it’s the fastest
plane we ever
built you know that we told anyone about
and it’s fucking cool as shit because
on its last
voyage it flew from New York to LA
or LA to New York
in like 38 minutes
something insane
speed I laid in New York in 38 minutes
time traveling
that’s that’s how is that real
look it up AR
17 AR some AR
17 blackbird
SR SR 71 SR
71 just making
some numbers up no no no
SR 71 it’s a
Blackbird spy plane 71
check that fucker out
and it was the it was the last
declassified
flight of it
it was the only one that they showed the speed
and and we retired this
motherfucker
why would you ever retire this
thing can you put it up there bro
and I don’t know how to do all this shit
you’re amazing
I got an iPad
where is your friends you play
dude this thing goes 2000
miles an hour
so then it couldn’t have gone
it couldn’t have been
this is what
they did in one hour
and 54 minutes
they went from New York to London
that’s a flight the 6 hour flight they did an hour and
54 months they went from the last
one the flu
the one that’s at the
the battleship there
was it the intrepid
mm hmm okay
down on Chelsea Pierce
alright that’s
what I wanted to go see I wanted to be high and be
close to that fucking
jet right I mean that’s almost time
traveling I mean do you
understand dude
I mean that’s fucking mind blowing in
2 hours you can
leave London
you can have
tea in London and
lunch and dinner in New York City
and not miss a fucking beat bro
that’s amazing
that’s that’s
transporter shit
yeah okay that’s amazing you know what’s really
crazy is they used to have that Concord that you
could fly to Europe
supersonic plane
and it used to go super high
it was like way higher than a regular plane so
literally like you were on the border of fucking space
yeah border of
space going to
the speed of
sound right
fucking a man
stop and think about a
plane that goes as fast as fucking
sound and you’re sitting in that bitch
just fuck but yeah you don’t feel
the G force because they just they don’t make any
sudden moves and they just slowly amp it up
it’s fucking insane
insane it just goes
straight up and straight down
it’s the speed of
sound man the
speed of sound in a fucking plane
but it kept killing too many rich folks boy yeah right
the altitude
they fucked up and I
think the last one I think was
a really dumb fuck up to it’s like someone hit a tire
that was left on the track like
the Concorde hit it and fucking
caused a gigantic explosion
and everybody died
yeah in the general
when those people are
dying they’re dying
these are people that are paying like $10,000 a
ticket right
more than that
the more than that first
class first
class yeah yeah
right but so $10,000 feels like regular
right yeah for like economy
economy is $10,000
and it’s just to save a few
hours of your time
that’s really what it is
it’s the end of
the novelty
effect of it I remember I was
watching some talk show as a kid and there was an actor
who said the coolest
thing he’d ever done was take that Concorde
yeah and then
stand on his seat so he was the highest person in the
world whoa that’s hilarious
and he’s right it was
he stood on his
feet and he was
the highest
alive person no there was no astronauts in
orbit at that time
there was nothing
going on the
plane still
freaked me out just the idea that you’re in this
metal tube it’s
30 000 feet in the air and you’re just sitting there
just chilling and looking at your iPad and you’re and
you’re like atoms are holding us up
your invisible eyes
disconnected from the ground that’s
where I want to be I want to be on the ground
where it’s safe
you have no
fucking feet up there ooh
I get a lot of anxiety when I fly
what do you
think they have that we don’t know
about one of the
things you said
about the SR 71 you said it was the fastest plane
that we have that we know
about that we have a
total one about
yeah do you
think they have
some technology
well it would just seem to reason I mean
wouldn’t it be the logic that
if you made that much progress in 30 years
that exponentially if you take the same progress
like in cell
phones in the last 20 years
from a briefcase with a
cord and a headset
and then the move down was the brick
okay that was the
after that okay that same
technology now
they’re microscopic and they can
you know tons of data
I mean you just take that same
stream of technology
and apply that
to another sector
where we’re
spending billions and billions and billions of dollars
on projects that we don’t even know about
fuck yeah there’s
gotta be something faster
I wanna know
about I wanna know about Harp
up in Alaska
I wanna know about
um the f f 23
that supposedly can hover and
and it’s a scram jet
okay I want to know
about that that it
could fly at a hundred
20,000ft okay and that can go from
it can go from
last night while outside of Los Angeles Las Vegas
supposedly it fucking takes off and then it refuels
at about 90,000ft
no 45,000ft on its way to 90,000ft
and then it hits the after
so it means a
plane and refuels in the air
how dope is that
they refuel in the fucking sky yeah and
how the fuck are they doing that man I don’t know
and then it’s the
cleanest burning
and it’s the fastest and people can go from
lots it’ll be over the Pacific
where there’s nobody
they fucking they refuel
and then they hit that scramjet and they go to
120 140 000 feet
like the outer
atmosphere shit and then bounce back
off of it and
what you don’t understand
well if you go straight up
and you continue in a straight line
the Earth is moving at like 17 000
miles per hour
so that’s adding to your speed
it’s like a
trippy when you add altitude to it
and then gravity on top of that
compounding so you’re falling
much faster you know
it could go up to
theoretically
3 000 miles per hour 4 000
miles per hour
damn fucking amazing do you
guys remember how cool it was in the 80s I don’t know
about that black bird
remember the
black bird it was like the F 15
or what was it was
like a wrap your head around that kind of fucking speed
no man it’s time
traveling man
that’s the closest we’re ever
gonna get I wonder if they have some shit that’s
not released that’s even faster than what we know
about like 3 or 4 times the
speed of sound some really nutty
what about what
about that decommissioned
super Collider in Waxahahachy
Texas that’s
still a federal off
limits facility that
that say we did
say we created the
guide particle like they did in Switzerland
and which is a controlled
microscopic
subatomic black hole
and then the energy explodes out that we collect
that theoretically that in a
bottle any matter
we could we could
stream bang into each
other and control that black hole
that we could
in the left of my
water get boom from there we
could fuel all of
North america’s energy sources
isn’t that amazing
it’s fucking unbelievable
the super colliding shit like that
right I mean it’s fascinating but I mean I think
the idea behind
making the little
black holes that they don’t have enough gravity to stay
alive yeah yeah they die out
well that’s
the well the
scary version so you’re
you’re thinking that
someone’s doing something with the one they have in
Texas is that what you’re saying
yeah that it’s not
been decommissioned
yeah and that it’s being used I mean
the fucking government uses
everything else
from the fifties
they’re gonna they’re
gonna drop you know
800 billion in a fucking hole in wax
hatching and then just say
fuck it we’re out
well I don’t funding
thing though
you know a lot of times there’s just not enough
money to run shit if they don’t
think they’re
gonna get a
direct result off of the
experiments
like what is what’s
gonna be profitable out of
these experiences what military are
applications it’s
gonna come from this
experiment and if there’s none
it’s real hard
to justify when the economy goes to shit they
close things like
down all the time
yeah yeah but I mean is it really
close though
so we think
they’re doing something
some crazy shit yes
maybe the whole area 51 is the most fascinating
thing to me that they had a
whole area that they denied even existed
yeah until I
think it was like in the late 90s they
tried to expand
the boundaries of it and they
they had to
claim more land
for to be restricted
and they had to
admit that it
exists in the
first place
but for the
longest time there was just people waiting with guns
but too many dudes
found like this spot in the hills
where you could watch them
experiment with
their aircrafts
and too many guys who worked there
who either got
fired or went crazy
and like Bob Lazard
you know he is
he’s the guy that you know he’s been
ridiculed a
lot of people say that he’s full of shit and
he lied about his education
background I don’t
know what’s the case or what’s not the case but his
story hey I
lied on the resume to get a job yeah
well you need to say he had degrees in
places they said he
never enrolled and there’s like old yearbooks from
those times
and he does he’s not in the yearbook so it seems like
at the very
least he’s made some things up
so you know
you gotta look
at it and say well you probably made it all up but the
point is he
would take his friends to
watch these
things fly in the
air and he said he worked there they arrested him there
and once they arrested him there
there’s like
you know it was his big
story and he came out and said there was flying
saucers there and that he had worked on them
tried to back engineer him
right fucking fascinating shit
but the the
point the number one point is
there really is a place
where they’re doing
secret shit and they
didn’t want people to know
about it and they had to tell people
exist in the 90s
once they had
satellites and
satellites started flying over and taking
photographs of it
and people could see like the
whole facility and
Groom Lake and you
could see all
these you know
these air hangers
like they’re doing some nutty shit out there man
they’re like that’s
where they’re making
and that’s just
like stealth
bombers and yeah
that’s just the shit on the surface yeah there’s
video technology
is badasses is
it’s 30 fucking years old
I think a lot of what they’re doing is drones man
there’s a fascinating oh
yeah man of
these people
this is before they shut it down
these people were
watching like from
some park spot and they were filming
these things flying through the air
and like you know you’ve
never seen anything
move like this and I’m like well that’s probably
because there’s no people in it it’s probably like
drone they’re probably all drones
exactly like this but
small yeah exactly
maybe blackbirds yeah
well you know what I mean we know
that they have them now
we know that they have them
so if that’s
what they saw in 1996 and shit when people were filming
that’s probably
the answer to a lot of this UFO bullshit
well I don’t believe in Ufos
I think that time travel
is a closer
thing than the distance
or they’re creating some kind of worm
but I don’t believe in
aliens I don’t think
I think that they
exist I just don’t
think they’ve ever been here
I’m not convinced that they have or
haven’t I could see it argued either way it
sounds totally preposterous
when you watch
those ancient
alien shows and you see that guy with the crazy hair
talking all
nonsense about you know how they believe that
you know aliens
taught all these
different people
all these different things but
you know look if
if we are people
and we have aspired to travel
and we supposedly have been to the moon
if we have that sort of
capability in our primitive
stage of development
what if there’s a
culture 100,000 200,000
300,000 years
older than us that’s nothing in that lip of
time that’s nothing so a
culture that survives
by the meteor yeah a
culture that survives that’s 2 or
3,000,000 years
older than us they’re
gonna be so fucking far
ahead of us
that they would
literally be able to
bypass all the ideas or have come to a resolution
on all the ideas
about interrupting
life and genetically engineering new life
to them it would be like
yeah of course you do it this is what you do you just
make new shoes
yeah we go there and we
introduced our genetics into these
monkey genetics
and these monkeys have this crazy
thing happens
where their
brain doubles
over a period of 2,000,000 years and they become humans
did that happen I don’t know
but there’s a lot of fucking stories
all these different
stories from so many different religions
and so many different ancient texts all have to do
with some higher being coming from the sky
I mean what the fuck
a little bit though that people just want
to believe in something else maybe
and it’s possible I mean
humans I mean
it’s not an either or
you know saying
it’s not either or
we don’t assholes I mean
where if you’re a survivor
at this point
that you come from a long line of assholes
you know we were the guys who
ate the last bit of food we were the ones that
didn’t share during famine
you know and well
I don’t know
it’s that easy
I know what you’re saying but not
really you know all you have to do is get a
group of cool people together to
fight off the assholes and you survive
as well you don’t have to be an asshole to survive
no you can be the cool
smart people that get together and
fight off the asshole yeah
so just because we’re here
doesn’t mean we’re the children of assholes
but it crazy out
every I mean like
every we’re just barbaric
I mean well
you know from the fucking Mayans to the
everybody in Europe the different
clans you know they were just barbarians I mean just
the fucking Huns that you know we like one and
what is it 6 people have the same DNA as Genghis Khan
or some shit like that
how badass everybody is Kong
he comes out of the steps of Mongolia and fucking
sweeps in and takes almost the
whole world
and that fucking amazing I mean
grass he was a lobster
he was fucking gangster
couldn’t it
be awesome to be able to get real documentary footage
like the coolest
fucking thing
would be you can’t
travel through time but what you can do is go back in
time and watch it and record it
well you know if you imagine if you
found a way to extract it from trees like
visuals yeah
this is a thousand year old tree let’s see what’s seen
right well technically
you know since we’re just reflecting
light and that’s all
we are okay and
light travel set
which is reflecting lame
this is the ultimate
stoner talk
right here I know right
we all just
reflected why were you in
Guam by the way
I was there
to do a bunch of shows
I was there to do a
bunch of shows
it’s like he’s been bothered for 20
minutes I’m sick
fuck man I forgot that we were talking
about that yeah
me too I was just talking about this
I love this
this shit man
getting high
and fucking talking about
what I’m talking
about hold on let me finish the
point and then I fucking
tell you my
foes dude okay
check it out
that if you
could go faster than the
speed of light
to the time
and then with a
powerful enough
telescope pointed at us to catch the light reflected
okay you could use
just as satellite technology looks down on the Earth
you could see the reflection of the Earth
from that time
and visually prove everything you wanted to
well what if you went faster out into
space okay you go faster on the space and then you have
a telescope you have a telescope
that could look back and capture the
light that’s coming off the Earth the
light that’s coming from the Earth as you go away
yeah you would
theoretically be looking at
Earth at that point right the reflection of the light
so you could see you would be looking at
Earth at that point in time yeah so at the
speed of light I see what you’re saying
earth’s history would come at you
I mean if you could visually swatch it sort of
but you would be a thousand years in the future looking
a thousand years in the past so you’d really more
than a thousand
same moment
theoretically it
would still
freeze it would
still be the
exact same distance between
Earth and you at all
points it was
the same right but that that
doesn’t matter it’s
no it’s the
that light that light
is reflects off of it so you can
catch an image
of what it might not be a perfect image
right so as you’re
going say if you’re
going 1,000,000
miles an hour
it’s as it’s 1,000,000
miles away yeah
no no no the
light from a
thousand years ago I know what you’re saying as
you move the idea behind
it is if you move into the future faster than the
speed of light what happens back here
moves at a much much much faster pace
right no yeah what I’m saying is is that the
light that bounces off the
Earth right
okay has an
image and that
image is the same
traveling off the
Earth at the
speed of light
if you go out into space
faster than the speed of
light okay so you can look
back before
it yeah yeah you
could look back at the
image of the
Earth with a
powerful enough telescope
all right and see
the history of Earth
come forward
whoa okay so you’re saying that if you go
say if you go forward like
some fucking insane
like if you went faster than
light Alpha Centauri
look back and
see the Earth if we have the kind of
technology that will allow you
to even though you’re billions of
light years away or however far
away you are
look back and see the
Earth and get
close to the actually to the ground
so you can even from
100 million
light years away
you still have full
view of the
Earth it wouldn’t be full
it would be obscured there
would be you know there’s dark patches and only the
light that bounces off is the
sunny side so you
could see the
sunny side of the Earth yes
you couldn’t
catch anybody because people do fucked up shit at night
you’d be doing
almost all the real fucked up shit happens
you wouldn’t get nothing you have no
proof on me you
can see wars
you can see you saw a
shadow in the window bitch you don’t know nothing it’s
fuck you I’m not saying I’m not going for court
alright I’m just saying I see what you’re saying though
it’s trippy
total stoner thought right there out
it should be talk well the idea of time itself is very
trippy and especially because it’s limited
you know so true limited we are our physical
bodies find it
limited but when you get past our physical
bodies and all other physical
bodies time is just sort of fly it’s one thing
yeah just one
big gigantic moment
yes we don’t last
yeah time’s only important to us that’s the
mind fuck that’s that is exactly it
the real mind fuck is that
you’re dying
as soon as you’re born you’re dying
well I do it I
watched a fucking god get killed by a bear
today somebody put it up
on a broken
board it was a fucking
Sarah Palin
it was a trained bear
and the trained bear had been in
movies before man and the fucking guy was a gentleman
they had this bear
in this pen and they’re
training it and doing things with
it he just turns on this guy
out of nowhere and rips his throat apart
and just tears at it and shakes him
that’s why I never want to go up into
space and look at the future
in the past 10 000
years I want fucking bears up there I know
I was watching that Sarah Palin just the
promos for that shit undiscover or whatever it is
and that bitch is fishing next to grizzly bears
and I just want the grizzly bear to go fuck you I’m
union I got
union during the Grizzly Man movie
all right it’s your ass
I’m coming and just attack the fucking boat
it’s very frightening they’re very fucking they are
powerful animals man
they can rip a
horse’s fucking head off with his
paw I’ve talked
about it too much over the past few weeks and I talked
about it yesterday on the Tom
Green Podcast but there’s a video you
should see folks
it’s a bear eating a
moose alive
and it’s on the Internet you
wanna know how
ruthless fucking nature is man they’re fucking brutal
they don’t even kill you man they just
start eating yeah they don’t care
they’ll get down
and eat you
while you’re
still flying oh
Jack yeah kill me first this
video though the
crazy thing is this is a
trained bear this guy had raised
this bear and
trained it and his his
I believe it was his cousin was in the rink
with it you know as they were
working with the bear and the bear just for whatever
reason just decided to attack him out of nowhere
unprovoked just good
fucked him up man good
you think so really yes
why are you fucking with a bear
it’s a bear
it’s a fucking go
let it fucking
let it just
chill somebody’s
gonna somebody’s
gonna do like if you
have a movie
where you have a guy
wrestle a bear
someone’s got to
train that fucking bear we can’t
have a movie CJ
yeah you know what you
never see that
movie Congo
yes yeah when they had
those big crazy
monkeys that were so obviously men with
monkey suits
yes it was annoying man and CGI
has fixed all this
Michael Clarke Duncan
wasn’t working then I mean
how dare you
that’s my favorite earthquake joke how dare you bro
if you knew
earthquake the comedian earthquake what’d he say
he said that he went on an audition
and so for Planet of the Apes
and saw Michael Clarke Duncan in there
and he called his agent and just left
he said that motherfucker didn’t need makeup
how rude is there
earthquakes I’m sorry that’s hilarious
all right I’m sorry
even in Guam there’s earthquake
trying to get back to the
do you know they’re protected by the Mariana Church
the lowest place on Earth
they’re protected by it yeah
protected by the lowest spot on Earth
the immense cavern
takes out a lot of the energy from the tsunami
how deep the
water gets really yeah so they are protected by a reef
and they’re
protected by the Marianas so
they’ve never been jacked by a tsunami
no they come but they don’t get the full width and
breadth of it
a lot of the energy is lost in the Canyon
is that trench
where they recorded that insane
biological sound I know
they call it the Bloop
there’s one crazy sound that
they recorded that so many times louder than anything
they’d ever recorded that was biological
under the water and they know it’s biological
I don’t know what it was it’s like mayhem underwater
screaming times 2 man that guy
is he’s a little much right baby who mayhem
I love that guy
I met him at this podcast the
Full Spectrum bro that’s the full spectrum
that guy is a killer I
look in his eyes and I’m like yeah that’s a guy I don’t
wanna fuck with like he
would love to hurt me
well like it’d be just a goat joy’s fighting
yeah he enjoys it and he’s fucking good at it
he likes it it’s what he’s supposed to be doing
yeah you know there’s a broad spectrum of human beings
yeah man I totally agree
everybody’s supposed to be doing their
thing you know
sometimes people find their
thing and it matches up with
their personality and sometimes they just fight
it imagine if he didn’t get into it
can you imagine if he just didn’t get into
fighting and instead
he was like ah I’m just
gonna work at Toys R Us
and like you’re just like man oh
I’m sorry first fucking fallen Day waiting to happen
that would be a problem fallen
Day waiting to happen
yeah that would be a fucking problem
like I’m always nervous around
Eddie Bravo
late at night
why have you seen him drunk
I’ve seen him drunk
and he’s not worth
it’s just the idea that
he kills you anytime he wants yes that is very
scary and the fact that there is nothing I
could do but you know
and then he tells guys that are like
double the size
how he’d choke him out from underneath
okay and I’ve never
I never even
heard that I didn’t know what that was
and he’s laughing about it
oh yeah I do I’d
climb up him
okay and then like fucking leg lock him and
choke him out and shit like this and I’m like
it’s so weird because I don’t get that from
Eddie Brow as
as I do with Mayhem like with Mayhem I I feel
oh yeah but what about
Eddie he’s always just so
happy and nice
and everything you
think about him
is not competing yeah
you know the difference
is the guys that are competing guys are like actively
fighting in MMA
they all are super
they have to always
be ready to
train and to
spar and they’re always thinking
about competition they’re always
training hard
they’re always ramped up you know
and most of them are really calm
like mayhem’s is about as
exaggerated
of personalities exactly but that’s just who he is
he’s always been like that I’ve
known that dude forever well you have too yeah
he’s always been like that
but just the fact that they’re in competition mode
that’s like
some primal shit you’re at 9 all the time you know
your senses are heightened you’re
training for combat man that’s like some serious shit
can you imagine that jeer
every day like from
like from like the
Spartans how they you know they get
their kids kidnapped and
taken and beaten
and fucking
toughened up and
toughened up you know and then
they escape at 18 and they go
rape and steal
a girl out at
night you know
Sparta was fucking
I mean these guys they were warriors it’s
crazy when you think
about what pussies we are today
and that people had to be like that at one
point in time for us to get till
today they had to be
strong they had to be able to
fight off fucking animals and
hordes of invading
tribes you had to be
strong to stay
alive just a few thousand years ago
it’s crazy a
few thousand
150 yeah 150 fucking year 2 lifetimes
do the Wild West that was the 1800s
yeah man yeah
1865 was the abolition of slavery
right was it 1875 or 1865 65
and then you’ve got you know fucking cowboys
and Indians
going to war
war just fucking
patching knife
fighters oh
those guys are nasty
did you see the
thing where
Obama got in
trouble because he
was talking
about Sitting Bull
and recognizing the Sitting Bull was a hero
and you know that you know
it was like
I guess it was a part of some book that he has has some
child book and
people are going
hey Sitting Bull like killed like a lot of fucking
Americans yeah
it did it’s
funny because
we’re acknowledging now that we’ve integrated
the American Indian into the
whole American
culture like they’re a part of us
now we’re sort of acknowledging
that the original Americans just fuck them
you know and
this guy fought back and this guy’s a hero for fighting
essentially us
well you know it’s mind boggling
when you say you know
we’re the land of the free
because of an act of terrorist
oh that’s a Willie Nelson he’s in fucking
gonna be in jail I know man that’s crazy
my dick yeah
but you know we say
that you know we
we you know we spout
all this patriotism and stuff
and and if you go to the Boston Tea Party
which is fucking
which is dum dums
republicans
that are mad that we have a
black guy or saying you know we’re tea
party is okay yeah
they’re fucking
talking about a terrorist act
that was a terrorist act it was not an act of war
you know that right
we call it rebellion
because we’re on this fucking side of it
but it was a fucking
basically a terrorist act
if what we what what
is if white guys
today dressed up
as as Arabs
okay and attacked a private company
and destroyed property
we’d call it a terrorist act
okay all right and that’s exactly what we did
right okay it’s a terrorist
act yeah I know what you yeah
and that’s how we bore our nation
and the same
thing that you
know we accuse Afghanistan of being terrorist
because they want to kill us
or they killed this many and they don’t want to be
under our fucking rule
how dare we be an empire
like the fucking British were to us
well we’re a lot crazier than that
we’re more crazy than any
empire ever we have military presence in over a hundred
countries yeah
do you know what that means
yeah we’ve got guns all over the
world and jets and
American soldiers
ready to go
anytime what’s up
dude just ready to go
strategically placed in all sorts of areas
that can get jets to them in time are you nervous
about this fucking
North Korea guy no
really not at all no he just
wants to die he
just wants better
trade agreements
he’s not gonna die I don’t have any food but he’s
about to die he’s already
named his incense
nothing’s gonna happen but look
at his son though his son’s
ready to jump in
but he looks like he’s a nice
young guy that played
Starcraft and he’s
gonna be like finally
dad’s gone I
could play Starcraft with all my friends yeah
right I was maybe
play Starcraft I mean he’s not as fun as
you have nuclear weapons you can use
I’m telling you man
it’s like a nice they
bomb the fuck out of that island they they
attacked an island
right yeah they
they shelled the shit out of it for
hours they flattened it
really and what
was on the island who was on the island people
south Koreans yes they killed
thousands supposedly really yes
and blew up a
fucking island
you heard it was
7 I thought
7 people were in this
is a retard
conversation we
should go Google
yeah and then
they killed 47
South Korean
sailors they down
the fucking ship and said then they said they didn’t
motherfucker we got you on tape be
what happened
they they fucking blew up a battleship
and not a battleship it’s like a trawler
of the South Korean navy
they they blew it up
killed 47 sailors
that’s act of war 2 dudes died 2 dudes
on the shell and they both died of AIDS haha
they both had to
hear they were like I’ll tease
them to our conversations numbers I
think we need to leave out numbers
until we know these bitches
it’s 2 people died bro
to those those humans does humans
and the shelling that’s it oh my God
what about the 47 sales that’s
still people that fucking died man that ain’t
crazy the guy’s killing people
yeah he’s killing
people in there yeah it looks like let’s
burn checked
well maybe you’re
right man maybe he’s so fucked up he is
gonna try to actually go out with a bang I
think he’s fucking
crazy dude you
never know man I
think they don’t
underestimate Cuckoo
you gotta be pretty
crazy to want to be
some sort of a leader like that a leader of a country
leader of a cult leader of anything
to be that arrogant that you
should be the main person
it means really just playing up on a flaw
in human nature
the flaw is the necessity of the alpha
where we’re always looking to the one person that we’re
gonna be led by
that’s how all
tribes of animals deal with
it tribes of
wolves do it
tribes of monkeys do it and tribes of
humans do it
we need one person even that one person isn’t qualified
as long as there’s one person in that position
that’s why you
know the Socio Palin
thing is possible
you don’t have to be qualified
you just have to be in the position
you know this
guy isn’t qualified to be the president of
North Korea
you tell me
other North Korean people
haven’t said listen I’m a lot more reasonable
I could get shit done with
other countries yeah we
could have better eat
more food or
anything like that is there cabbage in
every pot in the ground
chicken in every
pot yeah right
yeah you got to be a
You got to be a really
twisted motherfucker to want to run
things they’ve got fucking rockets that hit
off the shore of Hawaii
do they really yeah
they get into
Hawaii yeah
wow you had enough fuck up Hawaii I like
Hawaii awesome the great
I was there after Guam
all right I give you say
Brian you’re not gonna fuck up Hawaii
well what if they do man
if they’re willing to fuck up
these people on this island man let me tell you what
the fact there’s over 1,000,000 infantry of North Korea
that’s what people do there they don’t make anything
everybody is fucking in the army it’s true all
right if they wanted to walk over
South Korea there’s nothing we could do
with 28,500
US troops right there
except for battlefield nukes
just prevent it do you understand
the complete wipe out and within hours
they could take soul
all of it be gone
we all love it bedazzled really how much
how many troops does
the United States have there
28,500 I think that’s plenty
it’s not with the shit we got son well
yeah well that’s what I’m saying without battlefield
nukes yeah there’s no way to do it they got jets
don’t they have like jets and fucking they have jets
and shit do they have jets they’re all the same shit
would they get Soviet shit yeah
and Chinese shit
Chinese shit yeah
motherfucker
those those
man they man they fuck up your Nikes
let me tell you what they can fuck up a jet
they’ll make a fast Mig
yeah man and they got a lot of them
and they got a shitload of numbers dude
that’s the real
crazy just our
share numbers you couldn’t stop that the real crazy
thing is China
I mean if you really wanted to have a country
if we are in one
sort of situation like we used to have
like with the United States
versus Russia
when I was a kid
it was always everyone was
worried that Russia was
going to do wolverines
the United States yeah
yeah wolverines
reddogs those
motherfuckers yeah
everybody was concerned that
we were going to eventually get involved
in some sort of a nuclear exchange and you always
heard oh we almost came to a nuclear exchange
a mistake and we got out of it and luckily
cooler heads prevail
shall we play
again yeah and
would you like to play a game
and um shit
that was just I mean
that was just a little
while ago man we kind of forgot what that’s like
but China is in the position to be that
again yeah yeah
they are ruthless people they are ruthless
they’re ruthless and there’s so many of them they
look if you
watch like some of the HBO
special before
I think on some of the shit that’s
going down in
China right now
you know what’s really popular what’s happening a lot
people selling
their kids yeah
people are having
their kids and selling them and they’re like 5 and 6
years old corporation
so hot right now
selling this corporation terrifying man
there’s a whole show on it
where this brother
you know his
brother was 5 and his brother was kidnapped and they
kidnapped his brother instead of him because he was
8 and he would have
known how to get home
so they kidnapped this fucking 5 year
old and took him away and he sold it his father sold it
and his father’s talking
about it he had to sell one of his sons
and he didn’t want to but
he had to do it so he went with the younger one because
he didn’t know any better and he
could trick him
something along
those lines but
you know he was talking
about how the
he was really
upset that the the
the older boy was was
still mad at him
about it yeah but
these kids are probably the kids that are smoking
cigarettes where you see on like the YouTube
videos and stuff like
this guy’s a dick I
would sell them for 5
he’s you I’m
smoking all my
cigarettes at all
he’s just a little boy man the little boy whose
brother was left behind
it was really really
heartbreaking
it’s horrible he’s talking
about missing his brother
and how his brother is
so mad at his father that
his father sold his brother I was like you
gotta be fucking shitting me man
and all the
time he’s wearing
him to corporations he’s wearing
dirty clothes
and he’s in this fucking
shack you know this little shack
with his dad
and his dad was trying to explain how he needed the
money and the only way it’s like
the only way to
citizenship
basically like in
Roman times
is to be in the army
know to go from poverty to
Grace and stuff
is they have intellect
okay to show
you know an aptitude
for military service
or science or math or
you know athletics
or you go to the fucking
drones in in
China I mean in China
you have to be
you have everybody joins the military in China too
yeah it’s got a huge fucking military how
big is your military
it’s only a number
I know you got one in your head come on
it’s supposedly the 3rd largest overall
3rd largest when you
when you incorporate its
power strength my own
power rating is number 3
but on sheer numbers
if they wanted to because they have like the National
guard there where people are
you know that
aren’t in certain areas they’re like the National
guard even though they
might work at a factory also
if you enlist
this militia
it’s the largest army in the
world real number
yeah by number wow
that’s crazy
way by number and then
but by power it’s
only number 2
it’s a whole
interesting life that they have there man you know
this all the shit that’s
going down with
these companies that have people working insane
hours and people are jumping off
buildings and shit just wait the
whole concom thing
I read something
that was kind of an interesting rebuttal that Concom
because it talked
about all the suicides that Concom had
but then it
noted that Concom has over
500 000 employees
so is that an
above average it’s not really it’s not compared to the
population no it’s not
and you know yeah they’re working shit
jobs man those jobs suck
yeah they suck
they just suck
you’re gonna work on a factory assembly line yeah
guess what it’s not
gonna be school
goes in the hole
yeah you know why because Walmart wants to save
17 cents per
yeah I would
start selling kids
I could get like $10,000 selling my kids I’ll
just have a
baby factory
I don’t think they’re that
much no they’re not even that much that’s what’s that
you get like a
grand thank
God that’s way better than
that what is that like 6
months of work though it one of
those iPod probably
is but that by the time you’re done crying
that’s right when your
money right I just
gotta turn it off you
gotta turn it off
you gotta turn it off it’s your kid
yeah good luck with that you’re
not even haunted
dreams for the
rest of your fucking life man you just sold your son uh
haunted dreams that just goes okay
do that man
the apocalypse
that sell me
the apocalypse is
everywhere it’s just not here yet
the apocalypse is everywhere
there’s different lives that are experiencing it
all over the world and
individual basises with
individual families and
individual situations
there’s apocalypses all over Africa
all over parts of the
world all over china
it’s insane
the shit that’s going down in africa right now
if it was happening in your neighborhood you would be
smortifying it was the end of the world
you know what’d be cool
is the run through with machetes and cut people’s
heads off and hands yeah there’s a lot of hacking to
death with machetes
and taking kids
and getting them drug addicted and
shooting cocaine
and hair on
america should
start franchising itself like as a brand name
like hey we’re
gonna have an america opening up in your neighborhood
and you can have our laws and rules and
protection know it’s
gonna cost you
money and it’s
gonna start popping up like starbucks
franchise like
dude dude let’s go to the american it is the
last employee
yeah that’s a
great idea we just go to africa and just jacket
yeah and then go
i think we already did that bro
we did that in africa
well they try to
what’s going on
right now is
there’s so much war
civil war in the congo
there’s a lot of like
expensive shit in the concordia
holes and stuff
lithium use
they just found lithium there
so now there’s the next gold rush
the congos that’s a battery
so much rape and crime and
it’s even you
and workers man
like people who have worked for the un
are down there raping and killing
that’s why you need to go to america
yeah so do you
think we can go
there and take
don’t play any
music bro know
where the food is no
we’re gonna go on serious so we
gotta keep doing that
fuck us up man it’s america
yeah but you don’t own that
do you own that
do you own that
song i’m friends with the people that do
no you’re not
call trey don’t say your friends
unless you can call that dude
right now and go yo what up
trey it’s brian
he’s not gonna answer that
phone he’s gonna go who is this
weird fuck he’s not
gonna sue you
you don’t know that sir
you can’t you
gotta get releases for shit this is the karaoke
version oh that
makes it good
same tunes man you can’t i couldn’t even hum
that song that door song in my
my comedy central special
i couldn’t go do do do do do do do
do that couldn’t do that
you can’t do that because someone owns that
and you know
what no one gave me any shit when i sampled
kung fu fighting in my second special
you sampled it you mean you got on
stage and sang it yeah i hummed it hmm well
yeah carl douglas what
is there a time where
music becomes
everyone’s property isn’t there like some sort of a
thing that happens with books and
literature wherever
there they become property like
what is the term i
think it is i
think it’s you
know like you can’t
you know like christmas
songs you know like anyone can sing a christmas yeah
it was a public
domain song
public domain that’s exactly what the term
is public domain
yeah does that happen with with
every song or i don’t think
certain songs i mean it
should really
after like a hundred years or something
yeah yeah i don’t know
i don’t know man
you know it’s
you know there’s somebody who gets paid on
happy birthday
yeah that’s
pretty nuts like when you go to bennigan’s i can’t sing
happy birthday
yeah they have some have been
a version of it
so gross just do it and see if you get away with it
you know where they’re
gonna sue bennigan’s all over the world
saying happy birthday
that’s just gross
whoever would do that man what a piece of shit you are
you’re claiming you own
happy birthday just because you own that shit on paper
i mean you own happy birthday you fucking weirdo
i know it everybody’s
well we had a dream
how can you own that
shits been around forever forever
did someone actually write that yeah
two people apparently i doubt it
that’s what they say i don’t know
hey let’s get together and make a song together
that’s what they
do man they sit down trying to come up with a
catchy lingo
are you people following you right now
on what on this
stuff on twitter yeah there’s twitter’s
oh no shit yeah
see that’s why you need to get into twitter
i mean it’s
you the best
at twitter it’s like hey
i am in chicago
right now what’s the best
place to eat you’ll get
instant answers or what’s the best place to
where can i get some
weed you know
instant answers
oh you know
i answer those questions myself
it’s like instant information though it’s like can
you just do
that yourself though it’s text messaging
like 8 000 people
at once or how many of her followers you are so that
you can cinch
it out that’s amazing yeah
that’s a lot of
power it’s interesting
because you have
the combined knowledge
of 8 000 possibly
if they were all online at the same time
well that’s one question so you have the
population you
definitely get good answers
to a lot of shit
and if you’re an interesting person and you’re into
things that you know
fascinating
things about science and
space and i know you are
when you tweet
those if you find something online and you find some
story like whoa
check this shit out you know they just invented bam
and you put
that link up
you put that link up
a bunch of dudes will retweet that link
and then they’ll
start sending you shit hey
ralphie i know you’re into this
space shit check this out they
discovered this doom
and that’s what’s
going on in my
heart heard
about heart
yes that’s fucking amazing what have you
heard with her
that we are
that we are we are
secretly having a war
we are attacking pakistan
china india
um bangladesh
in indonesia that
whole area a region
through bending the ionosphere
with massive
radio waves so what are we
doing alaska
we’re causing flooding
like like beyond
all time it’s ever been recorded
concentration of
earthquakes
that we were leaving the pressure that we’re moving the
ionosphere wait a minute
where are you getting all this
are you sure yeah
yeah this is
no i’m not sure
but i mean that’s what i’m saying i mean are you sure
i know what you’re saying i know that but i’m saying
that the floods this year were the
greatest of all time that they have
according to usgs they have a higher
rate of we’re in a very high
earthquake for
asia central asia
and south asia
of all time
okay yeah but
ralphie that easily
could be because the
cycles of the earth
that doesn’t mean shit
that we have only
what we’ve studied
as far as like
earthquakes and
floods and you
know the history of
weather and disasters
this is we’re dealing with a tiny fraction
of the time that the
earth has existed
our data is so small
so when you say something like you
know there’s
record earthquakes or
record floods
the record is like you just woke up
and the phone rang and you’re like this
phone has rang a record number of times today
cause it only rang once
cause you’ve only been
awake for five minutes
our knowledge of the
earth is so fucking
minuscule that
anytime people get
crazy and start saying
things like oh there’s a record number of
earthquakes
it must be because
someone’s attacking pakistan with a
lightning bolt that goes into the sky
it’s not necessarily
the fact that
sounds sexy as fuck that
sounds sexy as fuck that’s what i
would that’s
but i don’t
think it’s that simple
i don’t think it’s that simple i think
who knows what it’s a research project it’s a high
frequency active auroral research program
we don’t know exactly what they’re doing they
could be doing a
bunch of different
things they
could be trying to charge up the
ions but the idea that they’re
somehow they’re
shooting something into
space and attacking pakistan dude
someone’s bullshitting you
because that is not what’s happening
okay there’s just no evidence
that points to that at all
no no there’s all
these there
wouldn’t people that want
everything to be sexy
they want everything to be sexy they want
everything to be the government’s attacking us from
space they want
everything to be
conspiracy and the problem with that kind of
thinking is
it fucks up the ones that are real conspiracy
because there’s a lot of them
i think that’s a real because it’s a real place
and harp is
deaf they’re
definitely doing real research
but i don’t know
i don’t know what that is and i don’t
think you do either and i
think until
we do know yeah
you can’t really say that you can’t just go and
say they’re attacking pakistan with shit from the sky
no but that’s
the latest theory
i’m sorry but by who alex jones is
half retarded
illegitimate
brother who
i like jesse ventura but there’s a lot of conspiracy
i was a navy seal you should listen to me
that was there in the shit
i ain’t got time
yeah i listen to him too
and i think he’s another guy that’s looking for
things to be sexy
he wants conspiracies
there’s plenty of goddamn conspiracies that are real
but when you
start looking for them and
everything and saying that you know
you no no no
squirrely man no i just know that
they’re fucking with the
ionosphere and the bombarding
it sure but i don’t know what they’re doing or
why they’re doing it
you know could be some sort of weather
experimentation
could be some sort of
experimentation as far as like
recharging the magnetosphere or
changing things or keeping the poles
straight yeah who the
fuck knows what they’re doing i don’t know i don’t
have a goddamn clue
i know that’s why i really want to know more
about it there’s
a crazy one was
operation starfish prime
that’s what was
called they shot a nuke up into
space and blew it up yeah they
exploded a new way more fucking dangerous they did
in the 50s the russians did it well the americans did
we did it first
we blew it up in
inside the van allen radiation belts like they were
gonna try to
punch a hole through the
van allen radiation belt and they
fucked everything up
man made it like way more
radioactive the whole
thing is a disaster up there
be like that for like a billion years and shit yeah
it’s fucking done yeah
but it fucked out it stopped power in
new zealand
to australia to
los angeles
the impulse
was so much more magnified because
where it was it’s really
trippy when
you go back in time and look at how many different
things that
human beings did
where they just took a chance
like let’s see
what happens when we just blow up a nuclear bomb in
space let’s just
shoot it up there
and blow it up
and they all sat around thought
about it and go can we do that yeah you do that
john wayne made a
movie called
genghis khan
in the crater
of a fucking nuke
we we a surface detonated
and then like
eight years
later they made a film in the
crater really
that’s why everybody on that fucking
movie died of cancer i did
hear that he had done some
movie and they filmed it somewhere
here they’re doing nuclear
experiments
but i didn’t know they filmed it in the
crate in the fucking
crater dude
you can see
black google
ralphie may requires a lot of google
from you i’m sorry
okay so it’s john wayne john wayne by all genghis khan
how you spell it’s
multiple spellings but i think it’s g e n g h i s g
h i s then con k h a n
that was the role
that he played i don’t know if it was the name of the
movie but everybody on that fucking
thing from the set directors to catering died of cancer
wow did dingus kong nuke john wayne
right away man
right away stories
about it creepy fucking right wow
he was also a
you know two pack a day smokers insiv
above ground nuclear weapons testing
occurred at the test site
as part of operation upshot not whole
i’m telling you man
that’s where the pictures come from
used to do shit back there
but nineteen eighty one ninety
one of them had developed some sort form of cancer
and forty six had died of the cancer holy shit
almost every
one hundred and
twenty people in the entire cast and crew
almost half of them
that would be
just continuous yeah
you know exposure
yeah over multiple
weeks but they filmed really fast back then
so it wasn’t even like it was nowadays you know
wonder how long they were there for
yeah but what if they just all
ate red m and
m’s or something like that you know
what if it was
something else
nothing to do with the fact they were in a very
clear crater yeah
in a crater
blown up by a atomic bomb
i have life five thousand years and you’re just
chilling there
filming take tow
but i wouldn’t feel on
that one can we get another take on that one yes pissed
would you be
how pissed would you be if
you didn’t know
you didn’t know
the actors don’t know you
think john wayne knew
he didn’t know
nobody knew
the producers didn’t know either that’s a question
no one knew well they got
cheap shooting
they fucking
knew that long ago man that’s like the nineteen fucking
sixties and shit yeah it was in the sixties right
not to people with
shit just then
so it’s like
fifty years ago man
we didn’t know shit
amazing that’s incredible yeah
where’s your
where’s your survival place
i don’t know man i’ll go back to
colorado when the shit hits the fan
you still have your
place in colorado no
no i only leased it at
least it for a year
might slowly go back there my safe
place would
be the shower curled up in the fetal position yeah i’m
gonna kiss you
in my mouth kissing the
tree before i
drive off into the
background yeah
right take you
later zombie
hordes they’ll be coming for you son
man it will get very within days
metropolitan
areas will be
with that with interruption of
basic service
i’d probably go
right to get
on yeah that’s the problem
it just it only needs to be out for a couple weeks
what could happen in
the fucking horrors katrina
katrina that’s
terrible man
i’ve watched
documentaries on that shit it’s just it’s horrific
what that city went through
civilization just shut down
shut the fuck down and it only took a matter of days
tell you what you take
fresh water
and electricity away from people
and they go fucking cuckoo
for cocoa puffs it is amazing when they don’t
know how to survive
well yeah nobody does and
they go animal and it’s hot as fuck there fuck yeah
well you’re not supposed to be there the
whole city’s not supposed to be there yeah
it’s not supposed to be
underwater like that that’s the
crazy thing it’s
below sea level
yeah so you have walls up to keep the
ocean out holy shit and this
is where you back
the mississippi you sleep
yeah i know
it’s awesome but why is it awesome it’s
awesome because there’s people that are awesome why
not move the awesome people let’s all make an agreement
let’s all move our awesomeness
you know what they want to do to higher ground if they
if they hadn’t had this recession they were talking
about the largest
public’s work
thing ever they were
going to detour the
mississippi
to read around
the city of new orleans
to make a delta
to protect it
all right and they were
going to reroute the
mississippi
it’s what they the
the core of engineers
had slated as the largest public works
larger than the hoover dam
exponentially larger
jesus christ
an incredible
waste of money
but they were
gonna they’re gonna
build all this
thing they’re gonna help
and the idea is because
it’s so awesome new orleans is so awesome this is
yeah that it needs to be protected
it’s kind of
crazy man because it’s not like there’s a lack of
places to move to
there’s a lot of spots in this country that
we could you
could relocate like
how many people are living in new orleans though it’s
gotta be like a million
right yeah easy
something like that but
but you know it’s a
great generator for louisiana
that’s the real
problem it’s like moving them
quick impossible it’s
there’s too
many people well man i know houston’s not the same
since katrina but they
should have
sloped it’s not
right it’s really not dude it’s really fucking not
i mean the murder rate
went up like 340 percent
dude well we were there
right afterwards
and you could see like all
these people that had been displaced
yeah all over the streets of downtown
yeah this is like way different
than it was just a year ago yeah man
the whole new orleans
things got to
suck because new orleans like everybody talks about how
great the city is like
people fucking love that
place they love it
love it and that’s
what it’s like in this shit spot like fuck man yeah
you can what i was saying we know
they’ve loved the
moving it you really
could never move it you
never recreated it
wouldn’t work it wouldn’t
it’s a terrible idea
but you know be this
too bad they didn’t slowly like fucking creep back
into an area
and keep new orleans but slowly like there’s a lot of
people in new orleans
i lived in new orleans for like six months
did you yeah
i was cooking at noless
and um there’s a lot of people in new orleans
that believe again
cause it happened once in the sixties
during i think it was camille
that white people from a lake
punch train
blew up dynamite the levees
really yeah
isn’t that like a
spike lee conspiracy
no that’s a fact it’s a fact it’s a fact
and that people heard
loud explosions
that were still on the roofs
majority of them died when they drown
but okay so
these people they blew up the
levees to drown the
black people
no to drain lake poncho
train because it’s like pont train with
the largest amount of
water you keep them back okay
so in the areas that happen to be are the nice so
why do they want
why they want to do that
to save the
white communities on
punch journey
the really expensive homes
okay so they had a
train because
those homes were gonna get
increased by
water yeah the
water was about was
about the flood
oh so they jacked everybody by
breaking the dams and then killing a
bunch of people much people must have died
right yeah that’s
where i think 95
of the casualties
from katrina happened
was the flooding wow
and people go you know you’ve got time
and it’s like no you’re not you know i mean that
water is coming in
and like you know
a foot every second
why the fuck
yeah it’s like you can’t when the fuck you go
you knock the
hole and getting
stuck in your
house because there’s
water outside up to the
second floor
crazy and you’re
stuck in the attic
and then outside it’s
108 degrees
your bacon and that’s when people die
wow and there was a big big
big problem with the amount of response and the
quickness the response
yeah man i mean we can
you know in 18 hours we can be in fucking afghanistan
with you know 10 000 troops
in eighteen hours
we couldn’t go to new orleans
there’s no money there’s no
money in being able to go to new orleans it’s
crazy man money is in going to
countries with tanks and taking care of business i
know but it’s like it’s like you know
anista cooper’s there going hey was
hey this is all falling shit
well we don’t watch cnn we watch fox news and bill
riley says that
those black people should have left and fuck him
did he really say that no no he did
not say that no no he just gives off attitude fox i had
news gives off and a
actually attitude that shared by a lot of people
those people
knew that the hurricane was coming and they
should just leave
and but life on the
gulf if you ever
lived there
i mean you never
think you’re
gonna get fucking hit you have
parties the
see yeah you have parties and the truth is
that powers out for a week week and a half
two weeks if you
could take it
fuck it there’ll be ice
you know you’ll be able to
you’ll stay in your
house you won’t get looted all right
but you’re also talking
about people who are dirt poor
and don’t have a disposable
you know in case the fucking
hurricane hits
right now of course i’ve got you know 500
to take me to houston
to where my relatives are you know well on an
individual basis you
could always
understand everybody’s own
problems in getting out of there but
and you look at it objectively they’re
right the people
that are saying why are they living there they’re
right you really shouldn’t be living in a
place where
you’re that close
to some sort of army
corps of engineers has
fucked it up i
mean you know army corps of engineers fucked it up yeah
when they dredged
and they put the intercosal channel in
they stopped
the wetlands from being formed
the natural
delta effect of
the mississippi
is to meander
and they fixed it so they had proper channels
for shipping
oh yeah and what’s happening is it’s
eroding coastline
and coastline is
going further
and further back i see it being constantly built up
it’s being it’s being
allowed to erode and that’s why
hurricanes over the future
are gonna be more
damaging to the city of new orleans
and why is that important
because eighty
percent of well i know as soon as katrina happened
there was no fuel
in nashville
there was no fuel
there was no gas stations
and it got crazy
quick and people were like
having to go out and see
their neighbor and say hey do you
if you have gas yes i do i need to go
shopping i do too
great then when do you want to go
it was crazy
we have enough gas to go
shopping this was in nashville in nashville
how long did this go on for
it was gone on for like two and a half
weeks it didn’t happen in georgia too it happened in a
lot in a lot of other
states because that happened
while we were in atlanta
while that was
going down and the people were talking
about it when we were working at the
punch line right
and the employees were talking
about how there was no gas and people were waiting on
giant lines to get
giant lines and as soon as you say
you would you would
people were
going on their cbs
and internet and looking for trucks
i mean you know any
truck any tanker that was
going through
was being diverted
dude we don’t know
how close we are to the
tit dude we
are less than
eight hours away
from total catastrophe
at any time god damn it
ralph you made why are you
bringing this doomed
bloomware i’m just
trying to say
positive i’m trying to be positive
i’m just trying to tell you that you’re right to
train and be
ufc and be fucking
you know closer to your chimp
alright because we are very
close you know with our fucking iphones and
everything like this and twittering
and all this shit
you know we’ve got this amazing amount of power
that electromagnetic
pulse would
knock out completely
alright or or say
say fucking
terrorist you know instead of instead of
going for the fucking towers
all right they flew into that fucking
indian river fucking a nuclear facility
you know that’s between poughkeepsie
and new york and irradiated all in new york
or hypernovas
i was watching this dr
hypernova hypernova
in other galaxies
these hypernovas
they first when they
first started recording them
they had no idea that anything
could emit this much power
the hypernovas have so much
power they have more
power than all the stars in the sky combined
and they happen all the time they happen
a couple times a day
they like all throughout the day they’re happening and
these waves
these massive
waves of energy that cosmic rays and it’s just
fucking massive
supernova sun exploding
rip that would just
destroy the entire
galaxy just cut through it and just rape everything
leave everything
in there and dead and just it would
start a new cook the galaxy
it would start
and then just
going off they all
going off this guy pop
jesus pop it’s
going off dude
it’s fucking mind blowing what’s out there are they
dangerous mind
blowing yeah
what could kill all of us it was a
great special
on pbs i don’t know if you saw the documentary i don’t
need to watch that shit or
think like that all the time
or you’re just at walmart and somebody stabs you
you know you’re a kid in milwaukee
i’m scared of walmart we just
the heart of this you know
anybody have a
knife on you in
walmart yes yeah
there’s tons of
weapons there
someone pulled a
knife on you at walmart oh no
no i’ve never
had a supernova in my face
yeah that’s true too
some douchebag
cholo supernova want to
start some shit
cosmically we were wearing chargers jerseys
all right we got stabbed by raiders man
dude i was watching
something i was reading rather some some
article online
about there they’re
watching these two
galaxies collide
somewhere and the
other just like
starting to
record this the yeah
galaxies hit each other dude
yeah stop and
think about that shit
like you could get hit by a planet well you know
everything has gravity so you know
the sun is the most dense
thing in the
solar system
and it’s spinning in something more
dense to make it spin in that area
that rotates something else that’s even denser
cause it to have a gravity
gravitational spin
while exponentially
space is expanding out to infinity
and it just fucking blows your mind it
when you start listening to carl
sagan and you
start listening to
you know stephen
hawking and shit like that
it’s fucking mind blowing with it’s amazing
where as calm as we are
about it all
it’s amazing we just
you kinda have to just accept it you have
to accept a
certain level of anxiety and panic
and it’s like
of what the fuck and there we are back to religion
it’s not me it’s got
the big thing
with the real serious conspiracy theorists
is the 2012
thing that’s
the big one i know
2012 and in you know
the beru anunnaki
connection that’s when
the big planet that’s on an elliptical
orbit it’s three thousand
six hundred
years away it comes around
and comes into our atmosphere
every you know 3
600 years and it’s
where we learned
everything that’s
where the anunnaki came from and they
taught us how to mine for gold for them
it’s pretty
trippy dude
that’s crazy
i love it man
this guy’s not
did you see
that fucking died
you see that
fucking shit that passed between us and the moon
that big meteor
which time sound a bunch of
times yeah but i mean the one that just happened like a
month ago no i didn’t pay attention to that
is it a big one
it’s fucking
big as a semi
really yeah
it hits it explodes in the fucking
atmosphere and we have what they didn’t say
bury in nineteen eighteen
what it really yeah man
yeah something that that size
could do that yes
wow it’s fucking amazing
you know that plane
the plane that we’re talking about the
supersonic jet was
going two thousand
miles an hour right yeah
the asteroids that hit a lot of them are
going 45 000
miles an hour
boom stop and
think about that
vaporization just
screaming through
space and slamming into the earth
the one that killed the dinosaurs within the first
second it was five
miles deep into the earth wow
that’s amazing that’s the one off the yucatan peninsula
right within
the first second
it was five miles deep
into the air you can’t even you won’t even see that
like like maybe on the other side no it’s the speed of
light it would be a flash and you’d be gone dude that
would suck devastation
and you know what would suck harder living
you couldn’t see if you fucking live through that you
would just some
scurrying it would cause massive
stealing rat
it mean if this
thing hits like like it did i mean it would turn
continents over the ultimate trip to
think that 65 million years ago there was none of this
there was none of us
there were nothing even close
no flowering
plants yeah
everything was totally different 65 million years
crazy and giant lizards that just fucked each
other up just
ate all day they ate each other
you know giant lizards cannibalize each other
they found out that
t rex is a huge cannibal
that’s the most
recent discover really yeah huge cannibal
yeah they just ate
everything ate each
other they also
found that one dinosaur didn’t even
exist though so i don’t even
triceratops yeah well they
found that it
existed no it exists
but they didn’t know that it was just a
mature version of another dinosaur
what if there was only one
dinosaur that
lived and it was a huge
alien that ate all
these other creatures and barfed it out throughout the
earth you know
that none of
these animals actually even
lived on the
earth it was just
another animal
that barfed
it everywhere
and that’s you know like this big
alien came from another planet
it’s just like bar yeah and it did
that for two
hundred and
fifty million years
that adds up to the carpet
dating of all
these fossils the fuck’s
wrong with you matt
you live in a cartoon no he
was just one huge dinosaur that visited
earth once in a while he’s
got barf on
earth for a bit
what if we’re just a toilet we don’t even
ryan that is
you got brain damage
you need to find out
what happened that
actually makes more
sense than a lot of things
oh it totally makes sense no i
agree with you that
a big giant dinosaur barfed out all
these dinosaurs that are here
that’s totally no
no bones from eating them
oh yeah yeah it’s totally
shit it out he shit it out he
ate them all
over hundreds of millions of years
and throughout
the entire evolutionary
chain where you can see where
they had like legs and then all of a
sudden they were probably all
different species because we don’t know what
species in different
ways that’s what i’m saying that one dinosaur
that they just said didn’t
exist we just
found out it was a younger version of another dinosaur
yeah so all these
other species and all
these other dinosaurs we don’t
have any idea if this dinosaur is this dinosaur or you
know we find out new shit all the time
we find out new
shit all the time but they know most of what happened
the only thing is that’s really weird
about any fossils is that most
things when they die do not
leave a fossil
when you die most likely you’re not
gonna leave a fossil you
leave a fossil if you die in like a mudslide
you leave in a you
know most of the times you just
animals come
along and eat your bones and that’s around this
monster likes to eat dinosaurs in mud
like bear for instance here’s a perfect example
it’s very difficult
to find dead bears
you know we know bears
we know bears die all the time
but you don’t really run into them
their bodies that often
that’s because they eat them
they eat them and rats eat them and something
is the bones and coyotes eat them and the bones get
crushed up and
ground out you don’t come up on it within
like a matter of a week to
i don’t know how long it takes but
yeah sometimes you i mean
i mean i’ve been walking through the woods in arkansas
and walked up on a deer carcass
yeah i mean
where a whole deer you know
antlers and
everything so the
point is if you want to find a fossilized deer
good luck yeah good luck
good luck i mean deer have been around
for who knows how long let’s say a million years or so
is that long enough
to make a fossil
where’s the fossilized deer
well it’s not
our pits they’re in
shit like that
right shit like that perfect example yeah
the pleistocene
ended just 10 000 years ago i just
i just found
out recently that like
saber to tigers and woolly mammoths they existed
just a little over 10 000 years right
where we are
incredible right
where we are
wrap your head around that woolly mammoths were
just 10 000 years ago dude wrap your mind around this
there’s scientists that want to
recreate the woolly mammoth oh i’ve seen that russian
scientists yeah
they’ve got the dna it’s
a food source
as a huge food
source and in very barren land yeah they’re talking
about how they
could survive like i’m like
yeah and they they
would just fucking butcher them
and cook up the it’s delicious
meat what do you
think it’s like
it’s like bass bassing
or whatever it’s called bison
really bison
well they’re totally different type of animal though
yeah you know bisons are related to like
horses and shit
that’s like the same hoofed animals i mean
like the same
you know they’re different but they’re related
i don’t think elephants in that i
think that’s a totally different
thing right
yeah i know
but that’s where they
would incubate the the embryo
so in africa do people eat a lot of elephant is that
what they used
to i know they
still hunt them yeah
people don’t
understand they kind of
have to hunt them in some
places some
places they overpopulate
and they start
fucking with
the people that live there and yeah
they’ll kill
houses and shit they’ll kill you
fucking dead dude like most i mean it’s
horrible that any elephants are fantastic animals
it’s horrible that any of them have to get killed but
if people are
gonna live there and elephants are
gonna live there you’re
gonna have to choose between elephants and people
or you’re gonna have to move
those elephants and get them
somehow the fuck out of there promote the people yeah
it’s a tricky
thing man elephant ears are delicious
apparently the
fuck is wrong
with you today
lathery i got hit by an elephant
do you still have that elephant
horn do the ivory dildo do you
still have that
what you don’t remember that no
okay whatever you don’t remember an ivory
deal though dude that escapes you really wow
see i’m doing what you do now
stupid i’m just making shit up oh not fun is it well
that’s how good for conversation is that was actually
a possibility that i was like have an ivory dildo
it seems like i
black out i’ve
seen like i’ve met somebody that has like something
ivory that’s like why is that ivory that’s really bad
and i’m trying to
think like oh did i did a
girl that about ivory
though the thing
about ivory is
there’s a ban on ivory
but they harvested
so many tusks
before the ban
that it’s readily available you can buy pre
ban ivory it’s called
and you got to look at it this way
those animals
were already murdered and they were murdered for
their horns
their tusks and
you should do something with it i mean someone
should either have it
and buy it as
a decoration because it’s beautiful
and to remind people that
these majestic animals
live and they have these
crazy horns
or use it to make
things out of but
otherwise you’re just wasting the fact that these
things died
they don’t make so
about ivory
nobody is good so
good fuck is
wrong with you i
know again soap
dude you are like the perfect
child you like the child
so strange working with you
it is good soap though
and every soap is perfect that’s all you need right
you guys use
soap or do you go to the liquid soap because i recently
switched back to soap
because i saw some
study about how
dirty and gross soap is
and then i went to body soap instead
and then i recently went back to body soap
i use this stuff called defense soap
it’s all for grappling
it’s soap that’s designed with all
these natural oils in it like tea tree oil and
stuff like that eucalyptus oil
smells great
and it’s probiotic
so it encourages healthy bacteria and kills negative
bacteria kills
everything off
everything bad off your body
but it’s not antibiotic or it’s not antibacterial so it
doesn’t fuck with the natural
chemistry of your skin it actually enhances it
and it smells
good and it’s healthy it’s really good for your skin
and it’s great for
after jiu jitsu
cause you know
when you do
jiu jitsu you always
worry about getting skin rashes whether it’s
ringworm or some people get staph infections
from scratches and shit like that
do you use a washcloth
what i eat when when you shower with
using soap and sometimes i use a couple different
things yeah i gave up on the
sponge things in my hand
which shit get but
doesn’t like the
bacteria and all that crap get on that i use a
fresh one you use the same one
see i don’t use anyone i use
use my hand
oh yeah you
still got a lot of i
think you clean the
sponge off man you wash the
sponge off and i don’t
think it’s fucking rocket science i use joe can’t
be too much of a pussy
i like this shit can’t
be worried about
bacteria on your
sponge i like to get in there
get that fucking soap in there you’ll be fine
but yeah the defense soap is the
shit if you want to try it out you go to defense soap
calm i think
and there it’s
it’s like it’s
the guy who owns the company
is a guy his kids
wrestle and
he’s always been around
wrestling and you know he got
tired of all
these kids getting ringworm
so he developed a soap that was a natural soap to
combat ringworm
because a lot
of people to go and get antibacterial soaps
and that antibacterial
it kills all the good bacteria
so all the shit that’s
what you need to do is take
probiotics what
people don’t know is one of the most important
things too when cold
season comes around man wash your
hands wash your fucking hands but take probiotics
take like acidophilus and kids
yeah and kombucha
tea is a good one too and the reason being is because
these are aggressive healthy bacteria
and when you come in contact with shitty
bacteria your
aggressive healthy bacteria
that you’re getting from the acidoplus will actually
fight it off yeah
and it keeps your body healthy and
strong strengthens
your immune
system wash
your fucking hands and take that shit and we’ll have
half the problems i do i do half the hand
sanitizer thing like
crazy nowadays our
friend johnny rotten was telling us a
great story last
night about soap
this is a fucking amazing
story that there was a
way to stay
until it gets here
well i’m talking
about it right now
we’ll have them come back on
i don’t know the full details anyway but i can’t just
tease people like that
tune in next week when
maybe we might have done while we
tease them with the guam
story anyway
what happens is
we’ll go back to that don’t worry
what this guy figured out was that there was soap
in hotel rooms and he would go and he
would wash once with it and he would put it back and
he thought what happens to that soap do they
throw it out
so he contacted all these
major chains of
hotels and says what do you do with your soap
when someone uses it once and just tosses it out
he go well we just throw them away
and he said
well you know that there’s like you know an incredible
amount of people die of just diarrhea and children die
in third world countries
because they don’t have soap to wash
their hands with and they’re just diarrhea
dying diarrhea and all that so
this guy decides that he’s
going to organize
this foundation
to collect soap
from these hospitals and they
clean off the soap and then be redistributed to all
these poor places and they’re saving
people’s lives left and right
amazing amazing shit amazing
but that shows how
close we are without so
well it just shows you how what’s really
going on is we’re
fighting off
organisms all the time
there’s a constant battle for organisms
yeah and we
think there’d be something that would
since there’s you know
67 billion people on the earth
now that there
would be some
microbe that
just like in
everything nature when
population gets out of
control there has to be something that calls the herd
well there is we just keep killing them
we keep finding vaccines for them we keep
finding ways around it but without a
doubt that’s what they’re doing a
trial but like
you like you
know antibiotic resistant
tuberculosis or mercer
staff reaction
that’s a perfect
one because it actually comes from hospitals
and i mean people get it in hospitals
and it also
is one of those things
where they suspect that a lot of what this
stuff comes from is
people taking
their antibiotics
but not finishing the full cycle
so when you take
antibiotics
you only take
it for a couple of days and you go i
think i feel okay
well you haven’t killed off all that bacteria
so the bacteria that lives is
stronger because of it
and then it gets to
leave it as
someone else you know because it’s social yeah
so by fighting
things off we’re creating even
stronger things and by our own
stupidity and
negligence and using
drugs correctly
yeah and i just
given a shit
yeah you got to take probiotics people if you
learn anything from the show it’s that and
that ralphie
mary got arrested in
guam so ralphie
did you get strep
throat a lot i don’t
um not even answering
all right so meanwhile back
and how are we
going back in guam
okay marianas trench hardest safest
trench in the world yeah yeah yeah
you had this bag in that you just no no let him go
i had a backpack
right and i am at the bottom of it i had fourteen
grams and a smelly proof bag
jesus christ fourteen grams that’s almost a pound
no fourteen grams it’s ounce
half an ounce is instead of grams
okay so fourteen grams is almost an ounce why do you
have no no it’s half an ounce what is half an ounce
14 grams 14 grams so why do you have that much weed
i thought i took it all out
i took out three and a half gram i mean
three and a half grams you know what’s annoying
about grams and shit
grams are metric
yeah okay but
28 ounces or not ounces are that’s the
standard that’s what we use
so like we have all this shit
mixed up like grams or mixed
up like if you do a joke about grams
or drug addicts yeah no drugs
or cereal lovers
i always get them
fucking confused
but that’s it’s weird that they’re from a different
system that when we get low we use grams
but like when someone talks to me
about centimeters i have to go okay what who’s that
what is that 134
i’m always dealing in kilograms too because of
fight it’s 22 pounds we do fights in europe the
weirdest one is in england they have
stone stones right yeah
which is like i believe it’s somewhere around
13 pounds stone he’ll say he’s 10 stone
that means like 130 pounds
wow how weird is that
crazy yeah what does that mean
they got a lot of leftover shit the reason why they
drive horse
with hands and stuff like that what
horses with hands
horses with hands yeah they measure a
horse’s height and guitars
by its by its hands
they call it hands like
oh person’s hand how many
hands i don’t know what
the exact person yeah i think it’s like
eight point
four inches is one hand
i don’t wow
really yeah yeah so like a horse
stands like 12 hands
big fucking
horse how strange is the whole fucking measuring
system being different everywhere
you know inches and kilometers
they tried they
were all supposed to convert
and i said fuck it
isn’t that weird that we didn’t do that
how dumb are we
like we wanted to make sure that people
figured it out
so we said you know it’s too complicated
not enough people are
gonna figure it out fuck it all it is is just a new
system based on 10
yeah if you learn inches fucking for sure you can
learn kilometers it’s all
going away very soon
going away all the different
you know things like the
the grams the ounces the language barriers
everything’s fucking
going away in
five years even
maybe 10 years when it gets so good that
voice activation like
being able to have something on your person
so if a person’s talking japanese it’s automatically
just going to
translate it for you into english
if somebody’s telling you 12 feet instead
of 12 ounces or whatever it’s
gonna be see the problem is
when you translate languages like i say if you
translate japanese into english
you’re gonna have to also
if you’re gonna
translate it into english and have it
direct it’s
gonna come out real funky
because the way they talk and
communicate is almost
absolutely in it so
there’s a lot of creative license
involved in
structuring sentences that are
gonna make sense but that’s easy compared to most
technology i mean
look at the
shit already i mean you’re fucking calling up
macy’s and it’s like say one
you know say two right
and that’s just like
that is pretty dope you know so
i love the car
thing i love being able to tell my car call
brian yeah and it just calls you yeah
that’s insane man yeah that is so dope yeah
everybody’s iphones can do that
voice control
it’s amazing
that freaks me out
and my friend
cade has not cade
was it dustin has
one of those droid xs
and he sent
phones a shit he sent a text by talking to it
he talked to it and he
no he made something like
you know i’m here with joe rogan and he says i love you
and i look at it and it says i’m here with joe
logan that was the only
thing was wrong
it picked up
logan instead of rogan
was he like hey my battery is
about to die on my droid call me call my friends
never mind i don’t know that joke
this phone suck battery life
they suck battery life
yeah but you can always keep an
extra battery the thing
about iphones it suck is
when they die like yours did last night hi
i hate that
and they die
and it takes 10 minutes to turn back on
so you’re sitting there like a dumbass going what
the fuck it’s like that last dollar of gas when you
prepay you’re sitting there
going why is this
going so slow there’s no reason
for this they quit
want you to
yeah is that
what it is is that like come on
bitch have you ever done that i’ve
never done that before
yeah i’ve never walked away
but i want to
start doing that
you want to walk away you like you keep your dollar
my fucking time here holding your handle is worth
a dollar to me that’s like toilet bowl
technology that
should be fixed by now there
should be no extra
two minutes of waiting for the last
dollar of gas when you pre play come on it’s fucking
yeah do they have one of those
with the new iphone
remember how they used to be able to buy the old chart
the the extra
large charger was gigantic
and it was not a
charger rather battery
and it was on the back of it
you acted as a case
but also acted as a battery and double yeah
do they have that for the new
phone not yet
the new iphone or yeah the iphone 4 oh yeah
absolutely they have one of
those new big ones yeah
absolutely yeah amazon com
is it just as
cumbersome and large
it’s pretty big there’s
a few different ones now but the new iphone has like 40
more battery
life so does this one have double that and it
charges a lot
faster yeah it’s
a lot faster
the ones that
i forget the name
of the company that makes it but they
double your battery life
dude we’re wealthy
mouthy mouthy
mouthy i don’t know like mouthy may
i know yeah
power and batteries man that is a big
major hold up now like
these electric cars they’re trying to put together
that’s all well and good
but when you’re going
150 miles that’s it
that’s the best you can do is
150 miles and that’s if you drive cool
if you don’t freak
like they took one of those
teslas you know they have
those electric
like sports car
yeah and they they beat the fucking shit out of this
thing around a track
but it was it was cooked in like a couple of
miles man a couple of
miles that bitch was done
you know they did it like for
maybe 20 miles or something they ran this
track a few times a few laps and i ran in full
speed this is
cowboy it’s like
the sound of
juice was done
yeah they tested it
against a bunch of
other cars like the boxster and all
these different
sports cars
different little
sporty little
sort of convertible type cars
it’s not there yet
you know the
technology is not
quite there yet and the weight is
ridiculous so you got all this weight behind the car
you know there’s no real engine in the
front it’s not like a big fucking
v8 that balances out all
these batteries in the back no
it’s like this
weird little electric engine in the front
and in the back you’ve got
these fucking
giant bricks and
bricks of these lithium
ion batteries and it’s
super heavy and
they’re gonna die
yeah they’re not
gonna last they’re
gonna die off you know
it’s not simple i
could just change the
spark plugs now you
gotta get new batteries
you got all new batteries your batteries suck now
you gotta get
that engine
it’s weird man it’s like that
technology that area of
technology it seems to be there’s a little bit of
a lag hump there yeah it’s gonna
turn into wireless
electricity
i think that’s it has to be
because i don’t know man
these you know
tesla had a
had a fucking
thank for that yeah yeah
westinghouse when they
found out what he’s doing they closed him down
yeah they shutting the fuck down
crazy guy wanted to give away
free electricity to the
whole world
to radiate that
that’s probably what’s next though for
lack what if
is based on is harp
based on tesla’s technology
all technologies
based on tesla
really is that but
all modern technology
satellite technology
right but directly did
tesla have something to do with it
i would assume so
not bad we’re
gonna find out
but so you know it took him
like 30 years after his
death to finally get the credit for inventing the
radio descended from
tesla’s work wow
dude they it took
like 30 years
after his death to get credit to for inventing radio
yeah everybody gives it to
marconi hmm
yeah still when you hear
about it you hear marconi
you don’t hear
about that and he
didn’t do it he
had like a hundred
different fucking
things what
dude he was constantly
admitting yeah
but they said he was
like a like
autistic he
would be diagnosed today
oh yeah well you know
i’ve talked
about that with
a friend of
mine that i have that has autistic children or a
autistic kid
and he’s like the aptitude that
these kids have for
learning things and for
holding information and
for dispensing it and spitting it back out
he’s like it’s
shocking it almost makes you
think like wonder if this is like some weird
hiccup up to the next
stage of evolution exactly
that what we’re seeing is obviously a disease
these kids are obviously impaired when it comes to
being able to
communicate emotionally and being able to reach out
and don’t you
think nature constantly when it goes to evolve
in anything any form over the history of the
earth through evolution
that it’s made a lot of fuck ups till the one
thing hit and then
boom that’s the next
level well that’s
the idea is that we have mutations and that from
those mutations the ones that are useful
are kept yeah
you know natural selection
dictates that we move
in that direction
right but that’s what all of the
evolution of
mankind or any animal supposed to be from that’s
one of the theories you know there’s a few theories
but the idea that
these kids that are
super genius kids
like what they’re having is
just like a blip or just a
glimpse as to the potential of what
human beings can do
there’s this one kid man
i don’t know what we talked
about on the podcast i
think we might have
he flew over europe
and looked out his window at germany from his airplane
and then drew it when he got home
drew it in absolute perfect detail every city
every rather block
every house
every window all in the perfect
place perfect perspective perfect size
it’s fucking incredible
and this is
roller this is a
human being
this is a human
being that can
do something that i can’t
do and you can’t do
but they can’t brush your
teeth he has a hard time with a lot of
other aspects of life
and i’m wonder
if like wonder if this is like some overpowering
blip of the new future
you know this overpowering
just like one little
thing like maybe he
doesn’t have the
whole package
he doesn’t have the
whole super
fucking dr manhattan
package yeah but he’s
close that one gets with another one
then that offspring
what’s that guy
maybe that’s
definitely wapner guy though
you know that’s that same
thing you know like
the movie raymond
whatever that is
yeah it is the same
thing autism so maybe
anyone that’s
special needs is
the future of what we
know it’s not special needs because a lot of
that is just a mistake that you know in the dog eat dog
world of nature we
would not allowed to survive you know if we were living
thousands of years ago and you had
kids that were like heavily deformed they didn’t live
you know that’s what happened they get eaten
yeah i mean so
but it’s like
but it all is mutation you know and it comes
mutation sometimes i mean the idea is that
i mean isn’t it like the idea that a lot of mutation
comes from radiation comes from like just
fucking shit in
space and the sun
suppose this
triggers mutation and sometimes
these mutations lead to evolution
yeah to better
survivability
yeah man it
could very well be that what we’re seeing i mean
could you imagine if you were a regular person
who had you know regular social
skills and totally
normal and you regular insecurities but
for whatever reason you were
capable of looking
at berlin out the window of an airplane
and then just drawing it in extreme detail like into a
point where people are
shocked like
you’ve got some
magical power
of retention
but that would be amazing i mean fuck
man that’s a
photographic memory beyond comprehension yeah
but it’s always someone who’s fucked up
it’s almost like you only get so much
horsepower you know
right and your
brain has so much
horsepower how much do you want to
dedicate to this
how much are you
gonna dedicate to art how much you
gonna dedicate to
think well yeah michelangelo leonardo da vinci
i wonder what
those do like
they were supposedly
autistic according to
you know cause they were in written history
you know i bet
their pants
you think that michelangelo and davinci
were both autistic why do you think that
they say they
were higher functioning autistic is what they
would be described as
the really but how do
they know that
they don’t have any recordings of them communicating
and diaries they have letters they have
the communications the writings leonardo
da vinci’s writings imagine if they
found your shit
and they just looked oh man
he’s retarded he’s retarded
ralphime was retarded
they saw my
notebook they
would be funny
he’s retarded we saw his comedy
and we knew he was a talented performer
but we always wondered what was it oh well when
we read his writing we realized he was retarded yeah
people just like
judge you and shit
based on shit they file hundreds of years from now
they can’t do that you
can’t tell me that leonardo
da vinci had autism
that’s what they’re
gonna do you know we
call tosser a genius
but there was some
other guy who was a
dirty guy you know
i mean chaucer’s dirtiest
thing was the miller’s tale who who you talking
about jeffrey chaucer
who’s that what is this he was the
first novelist
the first novelist ever
well he didn’t
write the first
novel the first
novel was beowulf but
the first novel
of substance that was
printed with the
printing press
was jeffrey chaucer’s
the canterbury tails
oh yeah and one of them was called the miller’s tail
and he uses the past
tense of shit
and this is in like the 1500s you mean like shot yeah
powerful yeah yeah it was great and
he’s giving credit with
creating the word fuck
how great a word is that
and writing it downing and using it
but i thought that was supposed
to be for fornication and the consent of the king
that’s what it was originally
for for unlawful
carnal knowledge one of the
two there’s a lot of debate
about that but
he used it in print
like fuck you
like yeah like
go fuck yourself really or let’s fuck wow yeah
powerful and but there was somebody else i mean you
think he’s the only writer in all of england
and that ever wrote
a dirty shit you know it just
never got published you know
like like like
you know if we just
judge comedy by seinfeld okay
what we do you and i
would not even consider comedy
we’d be running lunatics
you know what i mean in
comparison with a joke
setup punch
you know no opinion
observational comedy
you know what i mean
it’s like but he was the most popular
therefore he’s
known as that time’s
greatest guy there’s nothing that shows the
evolution of
culture more than
stand up comedy
you know in my opinion it’s real
weird when you go back and like listen to like
lenny bruce’s
stuff yeah you know go back and listen to like this is
stuff that he got him arrested
you know in like
1950s and 1960s
and it’s less than a potluck at the
fucking comedy
store you can get it on nbc you
know that’s
comic standing with all of his shit
yeah right yeah i mean it’s like
barely offensive
it’s so strange
we had some good shit though even back then yeah he
had some good perspectives on like the catholic church
and stuff like that
how about on
he had a bunch of different
things man how
about my favorite one was he did on
homosexuality being illegal
oh yeah take this man
homosexuality is illegal so they if
you’re gay they arrest you
what do they do
they put you in jail
with a bunch of guys who
wanna have sex with you
yeah yeah it
didn’t make sense
it doesn’t make sense
this is a joke that he did in like the 50s and i saw a
comic who i know is not a joke
thief but he
tried to re say it
in like the 90s
and i had to say you know that’s like a lenny
bruce joke from like 1950 something
and he was like shit
yeah of course somebody
already thought that up yeah of course of course
that’s what that’s what
that’s what shitty
about it all you know is that it’s
that there’s so many
that’s come before us
no that’s great though that’s
great there’s always
still things to talk
about if it wasn’t
then we would suck
you know but that is
having this
you know the people
need to slowly
learn how to
take a joke over the course of 50 or 60 years
right the kind of shit that you
could talk or i can talk on
stage now you couldn’t do that back then no way man
thank god that they did that cause they
broke a lot of
boundaries man
richard pryor got a lot of people used to people saying
pussy and motherfucker and yeah
he got people used to that shit
lenny bruce got people used to questioning
things questioning
the use of words questioning you know
sorts of aspects of our
culture they got
people to take a joke they got people to like kind of
lighten up and
understand this just
relax everybody
so worked up over now you know
like the use of
derogatory slang as far as
names go you know is
it and it’s just just all worked up like
your your outrage is a
is a learned thing and
if you didn’t learn that
the n word was something supposed to be offensive
it would just be another two
syllable word
and by calling it the n word you just embolden
that word and keep it in our vernacular
that if you use the word like
groovy or far out or
you know why do
these words and phrases you know
leave our vernacular
and become uncool
groovy’s still awesome
it’s still good i’m
still down with groovy
and if i’m stoned when i see something i’ll say far out
right right but not many people say it far out man
yeah and it
crazy i’m using that from now on far out back bitches
it’s coming back like the fanny pack
and the fanny
pack coming back
i don’t give a fuck
i rock a fanny pack
every time i travel
people look at me people look at me like
they thought i was kidding i thought you were joking
if they heard me say it you love a fanny
pack i love a fanny pack i got a backpack i
mean what am i fanny
packs are good too but i like a fanny pack that’s why
i had to wait
you got your fucking wallet and all your chain
your keys and your bullshit
just take it off
go through put it back on it’s much faster
if you’re not trying to get laid man it’s the way to go
right you know i took care of that a long time ago
uh huh hollow back
it’s funny how
things come and go in
style at one
point in time a
leather fanny
pack was the fucking rage
yeah with my dad
with your dad
dad have the neon
green yeah you
take one green one and he
still i think he still
breast cancer
hey merkel crocomp
rocks one as do his
whole team a lot of guys in
mma rock them
don’t fuck around tim
crater rocks one man i
do that guy put me in a choke
yeah at the palms that time that we were hanging out
first griffin did yeah
yeah and he didn’t like
hammer down on it he just enough to get
get your attention okay like that and you go
did you ask him to no he just walked up behind
me and that was his way of saying i love your comedy
really yeah
yeah not not a
hello not a what’s up
but you have to interview
him on friday i’m
gonna confront him with this information yeah
yeah and then he put me in a
choke right there and i felt i felt like
yeah i could go out right now
i mean it was like that
i’ve never been
knocked out like that
you ever been choked
unconscious no
no it’s not fun yeah
yeah that that was the first time
that i’d ever even come
close you know
i don’t get into shit like that you know
funny never ever
check wanna like tie a tie around your neck
while you fuck her
fuck no no what’s
wrong with pussy
why is everybody got an augment
pussy and accelerate it
wants you to fuck her
while she’s holding your tie and
squeezing and tightening
no i’ve never gotten it like that that’s
great that sounds awesome
i had a chick
ask if she could tie me up
i was like bitch are you
crazy yeah no shit are you
out of your fucking mind
right this never allowed that
much control this is many many
many years ago when i had terrible judgment when all i
would cared
about was what
if they’re hot
you know like if
i she was hot and i
think i could get
her like wow you know like when i was like 22 i was an
idiot right
and this one
chick that i
dated was just fucking
completely bananas and she wanted to
she wanted to buy
me out yeah
she used to get mad at me and she
would get mad she
would pick up a
knife i’m not
bullshitting i’m not bullshitting she
wouldn’t do anything with it
she’d pick up a
knife and hold it in her hand
which would get mad i’m like
bitch you better
put the fucking weapon down because this has
been wild right
now i think
you know you’re at a different
level dude i
think that you attract
those type of
brides okay
you know what i mean
i never met a
chick like that
would pull a
knife on you and shit she didn’t pull the
knife she didn’t
pull it she’s
gonna use it
she would just hold it yeah that’s what i’m
saying i mean
that’s a different
level dude she
was hot as fuck though dude
then she could fuck
crazy right oh this
bitch yeah she was
crazy she’s beyond crazy
that’s what i’m talking
about and where do they go they become
mothers and they’re fucking in
minivans i don’t know i don’t
have no idea
where this one
this is one i
would probably like to see her facebook page
find out what the fuck
i don’t remember her name though
i remember her
first name and i remember her last name
isn’t it crazy to think
all the fucking
women you’ve been with
like how your life intersected
with their life and
where they at now there’s a bunch
i’d like to go back
but the thing is you don’t because that’s what you
learn from you
learn from and
they learn from you and you
learn from them and they’re not who they
were back then and neither are you who you were you
weren’t no goddamn
picnic either i was no picnic when i was
twenty two i was fucking
crazy that was
completely insane when i was 22
that’s when you were like
knocking people out i was
still fighting yeah i was no i
would not compete i
think everyone really gets trees insane when they’re
22 i mean every person
every single one of us
fucking insanely crazy
sure a lot of people are dumb and
crazy and they just
they haven’t got a handle on themselves yet
but i was exceptionally fucked up
i was fighting i was
still competing
i was kickboxing and i was doing taekwondo
tournaments and
at the time i did not know
what the fuck i was doing with my life and it was all
spent on just trying to figure out it was all
martial arts competition had been my
whole past then
i was trying to figure out what the fuck i was
gonna do with my future and then i
started getting into comedy and that’s why i met this
crazy bitch
the knife the knife
what was it like coming up in boston with dennis
larry being around
every corner and hearing about
you know bill hicks and that
stuff well i
came up in a dennis
leary fan first
oh i was a huge dennis
leary fan man i came to see dennis
leary once i paid to see da
merera and dom
missed his flight something happened or they
rescheduled or whatever
so and dennis
lear was the headliner i was like oh who’s this guy
where’s damarrera
shit i was like bummed out
but leary went up and just lit that fucking
place on fire dude he destroyed
i heard he was a
beast and i remember
thinking whoa like who’s this guy i
never saw this guy before and i was like
i don’t i think i’d
maybe gone on stage once
i was like a
total raw open micer you know i was
paying to see this
local show on a date
and i remember i told all my friends i brought a
bunch of my
brought my roommates who went to see dennis
leary and nick’s comedy stop and fucking
they were like holy shit this guy’s killer it’s awesome
and then it was like
maybe a month or two
later hicks came into town
and everybody was
like oh you got to see this guy like paul barkley who’s
one of the owners of the comedy club is a real comedy
connoisseur
really love good comedy
oh this guy’s got
great writing you got to see this guy when he’s in town
so i take his advice and i go to see him
and i see great writing but i’ve
heard these premises before and i’ve
heard the bits before
i’ve heard a couple of them
and like there was like holy shit this guy’s
doing the same
stuff that leery was doing
like the same premises
about like just
jim fix dying of a
heart attack
while he’s jogging is like
a few of them they were like all
right i don’t remember if that was the specific one
there was a few of them
they were like really the same jokes and the same bits
so i asked like the
local comics i go what the fuck is up
and their response was
leary steals
they’re like really leary
just fucking
steals he’s a thief
i was like wow so he’s
stealing from this guy
so this guy was like this like the most
introspective really
intelligent
like guy who like really was looking deep
into shit and taking mushrooms and
going on peyote trips and
trying to find himself
and then i guess
some people were just feeding off of it
you know i know in houston
he let me open for him once at the last
stop houston
yeah because i’ve been doing
stand up what
year was this
ninety one ninety ninety one wow
and that’s like and i was eighteen
like when ninety
three was it ninety four ninety six
was it ninety six i don’t know
sam died in ninety two
that made me cry this morning man
that made me cry
when powered
stern talks about him
in such a way
i have a connection with a couple of
radio guys like that
where he talks
about we’d had sam over
we knew it was out of control
you know we knew that he was fucking
you know it was crazy and
he was out of control and we knew he was
gonna die but
he was on the
road and we wanted to give him a home cooked meal so
we brought him home from radio and
i have a friend of mine
cowhead in tampa
that’s just like that
that the fact that he died at 38
and i’m at my
level my comedy and i’m 38
and it’s fucking you know it fucks with your head dude
you know you especially
you know you
think about mortality
i think about it more and more
sense of my children
and that’s why you know i’m
losing weight slowly and
it’s plateaus
unless i exercise and if i don’t feel well i can or
exercise you know i hurt physically hurt and
and then to compound that they want to give me
painkillers
and if i take the painkillers i don’t want to move
you know what i mean so it’s a weird
place you know
i’ve got physical
element i’ve
got physical fucking problems i was in a car
wreck about
forty two bones
sixty four separate breaks
i’m fucked up whoa
wait a minute
you were in a car accident and you have 42
broken bones yeah
when was this 16 1988
holy shit dude yeah
i was in the hospital for 48 days and then
after that i was in a
wheelchair for 10
months oh my god yeah i had spina
swelling i broke
my two vertebrae in my neck
i fractured
two vertebrae in my neck
three in my back
i broke one of the wings off my vertebrae
and that’s right there so i have sciatic problems
and that they say i have amazingly
dense bones
and that i was very fortunate to live through it and
you know it just fucking changes
everything and there
there goes your fucking last couple years of being a
teenager then
then you know
as a you people
think you’re retarded and you get
for me they thought i was retarded
and then they gave me a test and
found that i was actually really smart
and then they
put me in this beginning scholars program at the
university of arkansas
and that’s when i
started doing a comedy
because my group met at a shakey’s
pizza on highway 71 in fayetteville arkansas
and our study
group in organic chemistry
met there and i fucking
hung out and there was an open mic contest
and the winner got free
pizza and a fucking picture
and i had a joke
about vanna
white’s the dumbest person ever on
television she
doesn’t even have to
know how to
spell the words
they light them up for
her and she just walks
over there and turns the fucking letter i mean somebody
could tell her how to do it i mean why are you
shocked when the fucking letter comes up you know
you don’t even know how to
spell it you’re the dumbest bitch ever
okay and then i said
that i can’t even though i love def
leppard i can’t see him
i can’t watch him because if i
watch him you know
in concert i feel
like i’m mocking the drummer with two arms and clapping
and applauding and raising both hands up you know
i feel like so this is
how you win you just
started out yeah
yeah and this is just you know
right general premise i had jokes within
and i had seen it enough that i had this and i want to
stand up comedy contest and it went on
from there moved from the shaky
speeds to the ramada inn
by the mall
in fayetteville
while i was
going to school
and it all happened because
they tested me and i got into comedy you know
they tested you
and they tested me
see if i was retarded they gave me an iq test and they
found out i was actually that’s how you got into comedy
they said you needed to go tell jokes
no no is the fact that my
study group showed up there
shaky’s pizza
where they had did
you have like a
dream of being a
comic before that or
is just i did
i had but i
never you know i mean i
lived in arkansas
you know i went to
school in winslow
arkansas okay any
comics from arkansas
there’s a couple
there’s a couple
arkansas a crazy town
it’s a crazy place
yeah it’s a
crazy state
of mind a lot of nutty shit there man that was not
a nutty when bill clinton became president
like he was a governor of arkansas
i know right i
fucking looked out man yeah man
it’s it’s it’s what’s the biggest city
little rock
little rock yeah but now actually probably
they’ve consolidated them into three
the three cities into one mega
megalopolis
you go down there do you work
i work there i do concerts on little rock
i want to do one at
university of arkansas i’m a big
razorback fan and i love to do one back there because
my first gig i got to work with sam kennison
i won one of those
talent show contests is k hog the local
radio station
had a talent show contest
he was playing the ballroom
and like 89
you know what makes me sad
about comedy dude when i remember houston
remember what houston was like
yeah when i remember what houston
was like when i
first started
going there
with that fucking
open mic man
that open mic
that would stop and
start at seven and go
till two and
never a comedian repeated or if they did there was a
sketch or something live
and the audience constantly came in and out
and you’re walking outside and smoking weed and
back in the
back of the room talking shit there was a lot of good
comics there
there was a lot of guys
who were trying there was a lot of
experimental
amazing smart shit good ethic
of the town was like
they didn’t want hacks in there
right and they all knew
that like hicks came from there and kennison came from
this heritage
yeah there was something
there in that town and boy it just got extinguished
it just got extinguished
you know and i hear guys say hey we’re working out
again we got this
going on again
but man there’s like
that you don’t hear
about guys coming out of houston anymore
no added courage
came out of there and there was
so much wasted
talent man yeah
no i mean that’s my favorite line
brian hersey do you remember
brian hersey
a genius that dude is
funny as fuck and it just kind of like stopped now
he’s drunk that
quit comedy
that ain’t cool man it’s
weird it’s like that
place like had a flower
that was growing and then some another
clouds grew overhead and the flower fucking died
it was right there man i
think comedy was
about to evolve from there
it was one there’s gonna
be a bunch of
places 30 40
comedians come out of there
and and i’m
i’m only giving you like
maybe 10 15
of the actual comedy community i mean
there was one open mic
that had literally over a hundred
comics before
okay and not everybody got to go on
it so the improv
there’s not doing it now
they don’t do it on that level
and they don’t foster
local talent
and they don’t
those improvs are too
clean man the last stop was
dirty it was
dirty and marty
babbitt was running it it was just fucking people chaos
that place was
chaos crazy it
was nuttiness to the extreme
that’s what you need
the only way
you get the real comedy to develop
especially developing comedy
there has to be
chaos it has to be like the comedy
store it has to be like that
place like the last they
get stifled if it
doesn’t like
i didn’t grow as a comedian i mean i grew to a certain
level like i knew how to rock a room but i had to do it
cleaner and i had
and i was a product of my environment i went up
a lot of times i mean working the last stop was maybe
six times a year
you know as work goes but i
would work out
every weekend at this
place called the comedy showcase and
go freeway in fuquay
and it was owned by
very smooth i
think he’s smoother than
he’s probably one of the most
smooth comedians i’ve ever seen
as far as like in an hour go in and out of subject
like it’s just one conversation
a guy named
danny martinez
and his club
he taught comics like he would have
wednesday through
sunday and you get 10 15
minute spots
and it was just a showcase club
and then also i’d go and play the big
black i mean
the hip hop comedy stop
up in a hotel
black room and that’s where
i developed all these
black jokes
cause i was the fucking audience
i mean that’s all i had you know and
and then i started meeting you
know i was probably to hanging around with mexicans and
black people
all right and people go
where did you get this fucking accent from
where you talk like that it’s like well it was
funny to the fucking
crowd i was
i was playing for so anyway
you what you’re saying is there was a lot of different
places to go up there and
houston houston had a real interesting comedy dynamic
so many when that last stop
closed down there really wasn’t much there anymore
it was the second lap stop but the
second left
up was not the same no and before it even
closed it wasn’t the same because when babbitt left
right and then homeboy
pete came in yeah he was a good guy i like pete but
pete was like
he was like oh
straight up
accountant sort of
book keeping sort of a guy
right and you need
shady weirdos running comedy clubs yeah yeah you need
you need guys
like our friend in
san francisco you know you need yeah you
know and there’s a guy in seattle that
a couple guys in seattle that
are from michigan
and i never
come to showcase in ann arbor
no dude we had a good fucking time man i was
there with tom segura
fucking great
that guy is
really funny man a lot of people say
sagura is hilarious i don’t even know that guy man i
follow him on twitter go see that guy
in concert or wherever he’s touring he comes at me some
places he’s fucking hilarious yeah man
he’s really really good
he’s really
funny man it’s
a great guy
apparently everybody says he’s
phenomenal he’s
phenomenal and i
gotta piss so i
think this is a perfect time to end this podcast
great shazam lovers
thanks guys
thank you very much for
tuning in thank you
flashlight for
sponsoring it
if you go to joe rogan dot net
you can get fifteen percent off the
flashlight um
there’s a code name
rogan you have to type it in
the new year’s eve show we
still don’t have
a ticket link as soon as i have it will go up
thank you very much for all the interest i keep getting
twitter messages about it
so it’ll be me and joey
diaz at the
mandalay bay theatre
it’s gonna be the shit
it’s like 1700 people it’s
gonna be that’s
gonna be such a
great time man if
if you wanna know
drama in vegas in
vegas it fucking new years is nothing but fucking drama
alright you won’t be able to
leave your fucking hotel
after a certain time they’ll cut the strip down
and it’s a forever fucking walk
the smartest
thing to do is have tickets
only people
with tickets will be allowed through the fucking uh
the barricades
to get into the masses
alright get your tickets early
buy them go see a
great show i highly
recommend joey cook
ideas is possibly
the funniest person i’ve ever been around
in my life he makes me
laugh more than anybody else
and the two
of you together is just a fucking dynamic she’s a real
freak he’s not a
whole lot of real
freaks out there’s a lot of people
fronting pretending to be freaked
walking around with
you fuck you
heels different
colored archives
one converse all star that’s red and one that’s
black i’m silly
i go to hot
topic i’m badass
anyway that’s it
thank you ralphie
may ralph may
get you on twitter
you have an account don’t you
have a couple use that shit son i know
the twitter
people are tweeting
right now yes
ralphie use it yes
ralphie okay
yes i can get on it
jesus christ
thank you everybody and
next week we’ve got
cliffy b on wednesday
and we’re gonna work on getting
brian prosein
see if we can hook him up next week too and if not
we gotta do a joey diaz
one too soon
another one
in the house bitches
thank you very much
ralph you made for coming on i
appreciate it my brother always good to see you
thank you sir redband go to redband
twitter redba n
he needs more followers is very very insecure
about his twitter account yes
it makes him sad some some chick
from fucking burbank please date him
black girl yes
sam yes that’s the
next level you like me yes
black chicks
that next level shit
thank you everybody
next week love you bitches
see ya dominican