this song started out really good but this part sucks
this part is
devoid of attractiveness it’s just
noise coming out your mouth son that’s kid cudi
the beginning was really interesting i liked it
but then that whole whiny part in the middle
i wasn’t feeling that shit yo you just got too high joe
is that what it was yeah
you think so yeah he can’t handle his weight do you
think that because you’re too high
maybe maybe john heffron are you too high
i’m not high at all that what
i know oh i see what you’re doing
what what you doing
it’s got corporate gigs no
no i’m not i’m literally not how is that possible
i think i’m immune
i think i immune to marijuana i think so
i’ve never like you know was in college and
stuff like that i would i
would waste it
and i would
see people get high off of like hit or two and i go
i just wasted an entire bag and i’m not i don’t
think i breathe in properly or you were just telling us
about eating it
yeah i’ve only i’m a big
fan cause i’m not fan of coughing and i’m not
a fan of that act
cause i think i’m
gonna die every time so
if i do i just i eat it which is
it’s cool cause i
literally and
anytime i do i get lost
so lost in the
music before we go
any further out to say this podcast is sponsored by the
flashlight if you’re
a flashlight
go to todoroki
net and click on the link and say 15
that we have a real
sponsor we have to like really
pay attention you know what they need to do with
those is actually put a battery in them for an actual
light because in
especially in this rain
see my loads glowing through yeah but you know
where that is even if it’s hidden
you know where that is
and if your
power goes out in your
house you could probably get to that
quicker than a
legitimate flashlight
right because last
night you have
enjoy and you lose
point this you know is if it’s
underneath some books
underneath the
couch you know exactly
where to go to
get very good
point i have no idea
where any of my
flashlights
right but you know
where that is i know
where that is
that’s so true that’s a good point dude
you know that actually might be a
legit product you
might actually be able to sell that to them
yeah we’re gonna
bring that up with the
flashlight people an emergency
flashlight on the back but people
worry about
shooting loads and then getting battery acid on
their dick you know like something
breaks and you get
battery acid just
sprays out all of your balls but there’s less
of a chance of getting battery acid there than actually
throwing into some
chick you meet in vegas
you probably have a better chance of having something
wrong go down with a
random chick than battery acid
really you think so do you think
a random chick is
scarier than
sticking your dick in some sort of a machine that makes
light out of a battery
jesus christ
man a fucking
laissez fairy
how lack of days ago a
relaxicle are you with your balls man you’re
fucking testing
your balls near
batteries the statistically probably
there’s a better chance of getting something from a
random chick
than to get battery acid
on yeah statistically but that’s because statistically
over the years a lot of people been fucking
random chicks
not that many dudes been sticking
their dicks in battery holes well not that we know
of that we know of
there must be some
yeah there’s
gotta be some guy a couple girls
you know a couple girls what they got battery acid
over jj yeah from
vibrators oh yeah
right cause it’s
the same thing
have you ever
taken out whoa whoa whoa
are you telling the
truth there was
a long time
ago there was this girl i used to date back in high
school that used to have this vibrator
that was like she
stole from her mom whose mom
stole from her grandma it was the
grossest vibrator ever it was so
cheap and plastic looking
one time i was just
looking at it i was like you have the dirtiest vibrator
because it had
this white powder all around
where the battery was
on the side of it
and i opened it up and it was just a
blown up you know
like those old batteries
where the acid just goes
everywhere she goes
i never turn it on though
and i’m like but look at this white
stuff all around it oh my god that white
stuff was eating up our
snack probably
i mean like how horrible
is his battery at
if there was a
porn star show
where dudes brought in that
would be funny i
would watch it
i would like to
see this is a
vibrator i’ve had in my family for like
three generations
my grandma had it and then they have to bring that
expert out to test it
i’m a dildo tester and this is a good quality this was
i’ve always touched
battery acid by a mistake
then you know like you’re taking
an old remote control out and you’re like god damn
these batteries
and you pull it out and you’re always looking at
your hands like am i really supposed to be doing this
old sex cars
some days sex toys will be like they will be like
antiques that are fascinating like if you find some
walrus bone dildo from the fucking
french alps that used to be in neanderthals
that’s some fascinating shit man
to us that’s really interesting
yeah i guarantee you like
flashlights and shit someday
those things are
gonna be like a big
point of novelty when they have like you know
3d holograms that suck your dick
when they have some you know what i mean i mean they’re
gonna have some
crazy shit it’s gonna be
just a new experience
an artificial
experience like
wired into your
brain or micro
robots like it’s a lotion that you put in your vagina
and like all
these little baby
microscopic
robots are formed to vibrate certain ways and you
could just use
your iphone to like nano turn up the volume of the
the vibration in my vagina
gel you know what i mean i don’t think it’s
gonna be that complicated
dude fucking
microscopic
robots inside your
pussy i wouldn’t
trust them in there
what if they decide not to
leave and you get some sort of a
yeast infection or what
yeah they start
freaking out yeah
virus and they
start just well they won’t turn on you at first
the be your friends
everything be perfect
and then that’s when you turn on you
i just think
there’s better ways
to get off you don’t have to stick
robots in your pussy
that’s just me though man i’m old school
i’m simple when it comes to shit if you hear my
voice you like damn joe you sound like you got a cold
i still do have a fucking cold this is so disappointing
i’ve had a cold for over a week now
this is a longest longest cold i’ve had in years man
me and john are about to get this cold so what is the
forecast for you when you get this cold it’s gonna come
about like next
thursday you’re gonna start getting sniffles
i mean is that gonna be okay for
you by next thursday yeah that’s
cause i’ve had two weeks vitamin c and sleep yeah
let me get a be on
stage in new york going rogue
where you going to new york
gotham new year’s eve
oh new year’s eve in gotham
gotham is a great club
i love that place i love it because of
the security guys that are there everybody’s cool there
all the employees are cool
those guys just have a certain kind of coolness when
people are kind of being douchey
well they’re
former cops yeah they go and they do this move
or they just
their hand on the guy’s
shoulder they don’t say a word
and then they just walk away
and then that guy
doesn’t get
he doesn’t get mad like
other clubs
where you know
it’s great a
shoulder move sort of like a spock
thing kind of like i’m
not the only one here notice i’m in a suit and so are
these other guys and we probably all have weapons
wow all in one little look
all one little that’s a goddamn
pro one little
yeah that’s a great club
it is it is i love that
club love that club that’s backdrop too in any club i
think just you know it’s the most
coolest backdrop i like
walking to that club
stand up did a special there
oh did he yeah
yeah i do showtime special there
and really interesting
background you had like
mirrors in the
background remember it
like a reflection of
it was like
an eighties
dance club it look like
did it yeah yeah
it looked like a couple bad yeah
i thought i thought it was just unusual
i didn’t think it looked like an
eighties dance club
so it remind me of like a one
nighter you used to have to do
where the you know
i like that it’s
small though i like that
that it’s all intimate like that
that may be the way to go when you’re filming a special
i mean everybody wants to do like a big
crazy special in the theater
and i’ve done that but it
doesn’t seem it’s not the same kind of show
as the the the
club show the club shows a different show
yeah definitely
they’re both fun they’re both different like the
laughs in the big theaters are way bigger
cause there’s so many
people just you know when you get on a roll it gets
pretty fucking
crazy i already started
but at a theater
there’s for me there’s like a little bit of a
disconnect because
one you just can’t see the people
it’s not we’re
doing it on purpose you just have so many
lights you’re
literally looking out into the dark going
well i hope i’m staring at people
but you can’t tell
yeah it feels very strange
it feels almost like
like sort of an artificial show feel like a fake show
you know it’s weird
sometimes they get
going though and they feel just like a regular show
i’ve had giant
places that
feel like a regular show sometimes just because
the mood is
right it’s like
it works out and or you’re at a
small you know
club that’s in the basement somewhere
that has a hundred people and that show feels like
those shows are
crazy i did
your favorite
place in michigan
ann arbor comedy showcase yeah that’s where i
started that’s a
great place very
first place ever
we were there for the
ufc and this
place is like an hour away from
where the ufc was
but me and cigar
did shows there and fuck was a great club
perfect size it’s like two hundred and
fifty seats feels like a comedy
club you’re in a basement
yep and the ceiling you
could literally
touch without even extending your arms almost yeah
there’s something
about those rooms man
those intimate rooms when you’re on stage
and in the halls connecting and everyone’s
having a good time and the materials just coming out
smooth and everyone’s
laughing it’s like
man it’s like some crazy
energy well i
think it’s the same if you ever walk into the same
older house that was built
a long time you know an
older house in a neighborhood
there’s an energy
about it then you walk into somebody’s
house who lives in one of
those prefab
news subdivisions and it’s a different energy i
think it’s the same thing
when you feel like it’s been lived in
you do both
are posting
comedy club at mall
where it doesn’t have that same
yeah whatever that thing is
yeah that is i mean i
guess you could recreate that if
you just had a real good environment but you’re right
all the new cool spots like even new
cool spots that just open up in la and like wow what a
great cool spot even if it feels cool
there’s something missing
those older clubs like the comedy works in
denver denver
and also in a basement
exactly there’s a theme
but is it just
photos punch
it all it is
are you just
tricked by photos
maybe you’re just like i got so much headshots in my
head this place has a lot of history totally be
stoner talk
might totally be
stoner talk absolutely
but you know
there’s there’s people that believe there’s
certain like
scholars that actually a proposed the concept that
everything has a type of memory
you know rupert sheldrick
experiences
i think he’s an
evolutionary biologist
i think that’s what he does
but he had this
concept that
everything has memory like
tables and chairs
they all have some sort of memory
can you imagine your
table having memories i’d be like god damn
it look at that
table’s memories well they carry
the certain weight of
their experience although
the environment
that they’ve been around the idea is that when you’re
giving off bad energy or good energy anything that’s
going on like the
things around you pick it up
that’s why when you go to
i mean the idea is
more total hippy talk
but if you go to someone’s
house and they’re really cool
their whole
house feels cool yeah feels like friendly
you ever go antique
shopping it’s kind of creepy and it’s not
just like looking at regular
furniture you’re
going through this
shit that was owned by somebody that’s probably dead
then you get to a box of old
photos of people’s like
wedding photos and
stuff that are just you
know there’s no kids that took them
you know so they’re just
miscellaneous people’s
photos from like
the 20s and stuff
i’ll buy a couple
and just like look at them and like draw mustaches
on them and
throw them away and stuff
but but they’re only like 25 cents you
should go there
go to an antique
store find the box of old
photos it’s
freaky that’s all i had to say
wow yeah old
pictures are weird man
the idea that they just captured some person
you know it’s like
we were so connected today
that just the concept of the way people
lived in like the
the late eighteen hundreds the
early nineteen hundreds like that’s so
alien to us just the idea so when you see a photo
of someone from like
some fucking dude
who’s trying to
make it across the country
with his kids
you know from the wild west from like eighteen sixty
five and you see a
photo the dude
and you like what the fuck look at that guy
like that guy was just
he was almost some sort of an animal
you know i mean
no fucking cell
phone no cable
what did he
learn some shit in
school what did they even know then did they
know anything i mean they were one step removed from
thinking that
people would get in a boat and fall off the face of the
earth these
motherfuckers that came over here
the settlers
like jesus when you see a
photo of them and
their family
all hard looking people out
there in the woods
and you knew eventually they
would probably got fucking
scalped by indians
yeah like whoa
that’s a crazy ass picture
could you imagine if somehow or another
you got fucking
transported
back in time and you had to live in the old cowboy days
no fuck only
the prostitutes
would be good i
think i think that would be
clean prostitutes are you kidding me
you get nothing was
clean no pregnant all
regular girls
smelled like
dirty prostitutes back then yeah i forget
about prostitutes
powdered wigs would be kind of cool they
had to be disgusting
those women must have been just rancid
just they must have smelled like animals
just foulness no one shaving their legs
they’re barely
surviving they’re eating dirt sandwiches
every day they’re out there in the fucking dust
taking baths i wonder what they’re like
entertainment tonight or
extra what like they had the gossip about
random crap they didn’t know that they were missing
the internet they didn’t know that they were missing
you know stuff because
it didn’t exist in
their head so they weren’t
so they all had to just
socially was it just
only references are like tombstone when they go to that
dance yeah they go to the billiard hall
member and they played
they played pool and they
would like get mad at each
other and shit remember
kevin costner
and wyderp yeah but i
guess you just complain
about like boy
these these
if you seen
these new horseless
carriages they’re not
gonna you know i
guess you would have
those guys the haters and the
i don’t think
horses carriages came around for a while
and i was like
i’m actually
gonna be off
on a lot of it
rep you’re off yeah
wikipedia anything
by a whole generation or three
yeah but how many years is officially a
generation cause i always like to
think of it as lifetimes
i don’t think like
generations are too fucking confusing
like you know what how many
how many years do you fall into you know
technically it’s ten
cause he always invent new names for the new
is it ten but then
you look my dad’s
yeah i think so
it’s officially here
this is definitely officially a new generation
because people will always talk to me
about someone who i have no idea who the fuck they are
and they act like i should know who this person is
you know like some
famous singer or some
famous you know
rapper or whatever the hell it is yeah i’m at that
age where you
whatever band is on like a late
night talk show
anybody yeah yeah used to go oh cool
these guys and they’re like hmm
dude i don’t know anybody yeah i don’t know anybody
it’s crazy i
watch you know dancing with the stars like who is this
bitch who is this guy i
watched an episode the other day
why did i like dancing joe i
um no i don’t like wait but you did
dance for this that upcoming
movie movie
now you kind of got the little dancing uh
no man that the rhythm
catch him the
rhythm caught on the rhythm
it was hard dancing is difficult it
requires a lot of focus like
what we had to do
i forget what it’s called some spanish thing
but it’s like
a big fucking serious like bullfighting fucking
dance it’s like they like bomb
throw their
chest forward
right right arms back
and the dude who like was teaching a
punch out the dude who was like
teaching me how to do the male moves
was this dude he was like this badass dancer
and i’m like you know this is like something
really hard to do that you get like zero credit for
you know like dudes
don’t give a fuck that you’re a really good dancer
you know they like part of them
is like yeah man that’s awesome man wow you incredible
then part of them was like why the fuck are you
spending all your time doing this
what are you doing
fruitcake just
spinning around the
music yeah that guy
shits the other
day yeah it’s
weird that guy
learns all those
dance moves and
probably hundreds of moves within a song
but then we give a lot of credit
to a basketball guy who can
you go over here post out and then turn to the
left that’s all you know what i mean right
well there’s something and
one there’s
something to fun
i mean i guess look there’s something to all of it
there’s something to fun dancing and then something to
this as like some sort of a visual
performing arts sort of a
thing it’s definitely a different experience
but it’s a lot of fucking work i had ballroom
dance one two and
three in college
it’s a lot of work and the
final result is not interesting to me
no it’s not i don’t care i
dated a girl who was like a big
dance instructor at the
brown derby here in town
yeah whenever i
first moved to la
and she taught all
these ballroom
dances and then
we went to some club that just played normal
music oh no and she didn’t know how to dance
and she like no i don’t know
it had to be
one two three four
one two three one
two like she
was banging some
crazy robot
broad but you
think that because she knew
18 styles of
dance that you know
we get on the
dance floor
you know hearing
you know you guys love snapping about
dances i love it
we didn’t talk
about we weren’t talking
about where we’re
gonna have our
second chance proms the most awkward
moment ever is when they see like in vegas
about five dudes hanging out together
and there’s no girls near them
and then they’re getting a couple of
drinks in them
they start sort of like half dancing oh yeah
they can’t like totally commit to dancing right you
know so that like little go through like half the moves
like i’m not really in the fuck of this
music it doesn’t make me move that much
but you know
i’ll give a little move give a
little move here and there you know but they can’t like
dance with each
other they can only move just a minimum amount
you can’t get
crazy no you
can’t just in
front of each other
gyrating hips
you’re not allowed to do that to dudes
girls can get together and
dance all they want
but with dudes you can only sort of half dance
i should go out just by myself yeah
sometimes you
should go out by yourself to clubs
um when i first
moved to la i did
really but i
would go on the dance
floor by myself oh my god there’s something
wrong with your
brain you need to go to a doctor no
i did it too
man at first
it’s a little bad at
first you’re
gonna get the guys that are like look at
what’s this guy doing
you kinda do it
but then you get the girls that
come over to you because they like the guy who’s then
they’ve done a lot of work yeah it’s a little gutsy
it is a very gutsy
it’s a gutsy move
not always worked
how many times has it failed on you
oh i don’t even know probably more times than but
but it just takes that one time
you know just that one time
some dudes can take criticism and or rejection rather
some dudes are fine with that i have a friend he
would he would hit on every girl
that he was an ugly guy he was ugly and he was fat
but he didn’t give a fuck
he would swing
he would swing in
every pitch
i know a couple you
never know that way
that you never know
that you know his comic
yeah it’s i don’t want to give him up on the air yeah
yeah i won’t do
do mine either but you can’t go to bars with that guy
cause it’s too much
too much and then
those are always the guys who let people know you’re a
comic right like there’s a
whole bunch of
comics that are that way so they go up to the
bouncer like hey
the comics at the
chuckle hut and then the bounce is usually like
i don’t care
it’s brutal
what you want free
tickets or they
want the girls to be impressed it’s
it’s brutal when you with a dude
where you know
there’s no way if you go somewhere and there’s a
chick that he’s not
gonna hit on her
and it’s not gonna get
annoying and it’s not
gonna get embarrassing yeah
those guys are brutal
where you know
it’s like okay i can’t hang out with you anymore
cause if i hang out with you
and we go somewhere you look
immediately
just everything that moves the
first fucking
the waitress that comes over i
think she’s
kinda ah man look at that
ass toggin it she’s
kinda cute yeah
and then the next
thing you know
it’s all about
this fucking waitress and him getting this waitresses
number whoa
why can’t you just have
lunch yeah yeah fucking weirdo
and then they don’t come to your
table anymore
cause they don’t
wanna deal with you and then
yeah exactly exactly and it
cause it works
every thirtieth time they fucking just
wanna put in
those numbers man yeah
those crazy dudes they just
wanna put in
those numbers
and if you’re around them you’re like oh great
no it’s amazing
yeah it’s fucking disastrous man it’s a shitty feeling
i would would the
other move when i was on by myself i
would go up to girls and say my friends left me can i
dance by you so i don’t look like i’m dancing by myself
and then then you
dance but here’s the
trick young guys here’s the thing
you have to commit to that and you don’t talk to
those girls
you don’t go can i bebe
and then hey what’s up
ladies then you ignore them oh okay
and then the cooler one of the
group will then kind of come over and go you can
and then they’ll let you into the circle
if you’re not
completely hideous in embarrassing them
the key is not to give them attention
after you do that little move
wow and then now you’re the hurt animal in the forest
you’re the bird with the broken wing
and there’d be one nurturing girl in that
group that’ll
bring you in
i just go up
them go hey i’m a producer i like your moves
ladies i just want you to just stop and
think about how fucking
gross men are have you heard of
bang brothers i
started that
stop for a second and
think of how
gross men are and how fucking how much
effort you put into creating the perfect environment
where they think you’re a nice guy
or interesting
or mysterious or cute or whatever the fuck you’re doing
how much of
most most guys
everyday focus
is just to try to get girls to like them
ninety four four percent of the day
that’s brian
brian gives off for
brian’s like fuck i mean how much
money brian
has no loads left
how much money
masturbation and girls he’s got no loads left
he’s got no
time for your bullshit yeah why you fucking around john
why you fucking around me
so these girls get
stupid with him it’s like i have
no loads for you you have no loads your dancing plan
you just need to hit it out the fat
you spend too much time with that dancing plan
and what is your dancing plan
brian you just go up and go hey
my producer
what do you produce
here i’ll play the girl i’ll play the girl
ready hi hi
so i’m a producer
oh wow what do you do
what do you produce what do you do i’m like an actress
well how are
you tables right now i will
produce you
i went on this call
back i’m pretty sure it’s
gonna work producer
hey you got
you got facebook what do you produce yeah
um i shouldn’t
give this to you but
i’ll do it here
here let me type it in for you
what’s your what’s your passcode
all right cool
you i’m not
gonna remember this okay
it’s doing to
do what can you say that louder
all right cool
all right see i’m just
gonna turn on your mobile me
right here and location services
all right cool cool and here
all right cool you there there’s my face whip whoa
she just stunned a dumb
chick she’s like what the fuck is magic
i’m dating a wizard do you remember
that girl used to date a long time ago
jessica the first
thing i said to her
was she was playing with her ipod
and we were all out to dinner
and i go hey let me
refragment your ipod for you and she goes what is
it running slow
and i’m like yeah let me refragment for you
and i took it and
i did all the
stuff and i’m like there it
should be running a lot faster now
and she goes wow i didn’t even know you
could do that what’s your name
that’s how we met
so what did you actually do you did nothing
now i just kind of
forget what i looked at
what shitty
taste of music she has
what the fuck are all
these bob seger songs
like a rock
i was strong
as i could be
like a rock
is that from that commercial i
never danced
to this song but it is from the commercial
that’s where i know it from
that guy was a bad
motherfucker back in the day
there’s certain certain dudes
when the well ones dry
their music is like so different
know like perfect examples billy joel
billy joel is like one of the biggest turnarounds ever
from like a guy was like this young guy who had this
these really passionate
lyrics and it was really interesting like
songs that really like moved you to up to
down girl right
she’s been living it you know it’s
like in that eight years
something happens where they just hit the fucking rocks
whether it’s love it’s too much love
you know i’m saying or too much hot chicks sex
you know like they’ve got it all now it’s like
the passion and the anger it’s not there anymore
because now they’re banging
supermodels and they
drive in fucking ferraris and living in mansions so
where’s all that struggle you know
what’s tricky what’s your struggle john
my struggle yeah
right now what
are you what you’ve been struggling with lately
john’s got many struggles that he can’t talk
about the air brian
we both know this
i have my roof
leaking your roof is leaking yeah that’s a big
those people
what’s better your roof leaking or the roof is on fire
fucking roof is on leaking
we don’t need no
water yeah have you
heard the new eminem song with lil wayne
lil wayne’s already making songs yeah
he just got out of jail we could go
yeah and he’s got like
three videos rappers make me feel lazy
they put together a lot of work
yeah well you should
eminem has some
lyrics in this one that are awesome
what’s his name little jim
yeah he’s a sausage maker from chicago little jim
little wayne
what is it it’s lil wayne
it’s called no love lil
wayne is a sign of the times
my favorite new eminem
lyric is i’m
going to stop being mean
when aquaman
drowns and human
flames swims
that’s not a good line that’s not that good
well i can’t well
this is a song yeah
and so it’s eminem and who else lil wayne lil wayne and
both of them are really mad they’re mad yeah
they woke up and they were really mad
wow this is a brand new song just came out
well they took yes
everybody here’s ebbedab and lil wayne is that
no who is it who they sample it
what is that
yeah my life a bitch but you know nothing about her
been to hell and back i can show you vouchers
eminem comes in soon i’m smoking sour
that’s why my bars are full of broken bottles
and my nightstands are full of open bibles uh
i think about more than i forget
around fire expecting not to sweat
and these niggas know i lay whoa whoa come on
bitches try to kick me
i think that’s prison talk
money outweighing problems on a triple beam
i’m sticking to the script
you niggas skip hey
on that guy
i
hope this gets better soon i know what
eminem’s coming up
not good
everybody’s got their own taste man but
here comes eminem
there we go i like where this is going
he’s a bad motherfucker he is
shut damn crank that back up oh
that too was a bad motherfucker
and you don’t love me that’s right you know her
and i don’t need to know don’t wanna see
now here’s wham last christmas that was
eminem with no love except eminem is a bad motherfucker
i don’t know this album is called recover
it’s awesome i
think it’s probably
one of his best he’s got such an unusual flow
you know it
never not pumps me up
like even if i don’t
like wait what do you say i just
it’s really his
right it’s like that’s his shit yeah you know it’s like
he’s got a real original
way of making shit rap and
rhyme or making shit rhyme
when he hits
that flow man it’s like it’s so compelling yeah
like that other dude was
i couldn’t listen to that yeah it
was driving me
crazy but when
eminem came out i’m like god damn this dude is a master
i wonder hearing that type of
music that just to me just jazzy you just want to
start hitting stuff
how many people
fake ufc walk in
music in their bedroom
like grown adults
like when when the
music’s playing
they kind of
you know the
kind of getting that little hop
in yeah i do it
to be honest
you do it do
you do it you pretend to walk out like you’re
about to walk yeah
wow that would be a really
funny scene in a movie
dude i would
i’ll do that
having a fake walk out to a fight
wow because i got to sing when i’m ironing
before show or after
you know when i get to i put in music
and then i’m ironing and then
that kicks in and then before you know it
you got something
wrong with you man
doctor that’s
twice i think you
gotta go to a
brain doctor son
going to clubs by yourself
that was when i was like
twenty something
i do wanna go karaoke with it and then
standing in
front of the
mirror pretending like big john mccarthy’s fucking
checking your cup yeah
fucking weirdo
i do do the
t or t’s hop
sometimes that when you bounce like in your
house by yourself like when i’m ironing and when
i get jazzed by the
music you get
fired up yeah and then you’re kinda in
those boxer
briefs that
kinda you kind of
like to fight
shorts now you go through
these stages
where you get into martial arts
training and you do it for a
while you do a
crowd maga for a
while you do
jiu jitsu for a
while what are you doing now are you doing anything
i’ve been doing this i
think she’s an ex porn
chicks workouts on body rock
go to body rock
tv i tell you that’s your new thing
shake weights okay
no you have
to check out this
website and see how hard the workouts oh i’m sure man
and people goof on you know
those just step
classes in aerobics
those fucking
things are hard as shit man
i’ve been doing getting
shape girl lately it’s like
these ribbons and sticks
it’s an exercise
thing it really helps me out my cash
ribbons and
sticks what the fuck are you talking
about ever see they get in
shape girl no what does it get in shape
girl used to be this exercise
thing for kids in the 80s
with ribbons and
sticks isn’t it kind of funny that they can have
women’s only gyms but
they’ll bet you if you try to have
a men’s only gym you can’t have like a men’s only gym
you can have those
curves and shit like that where
women can’t go
but you can’t
even boxing gyms
women go to boxing gyms i
think you even have to have a male and female
locker room
really or bathroom
actually you can have a co
because they do that in hollywood they have a co ed
hmm which is
horrible because then girls have to go in there
after dudes take
giant stinky yeah
i like that
stuff separate
yeah you should have
stuff separate you don’t want to
smell my shit hooker
joe you should
bring a guy only jim and cut
instead of curves
call it like bulges or something like balls bulges
hairy balls
so i’ve been doing the body rock
dot tv you have to
check it out
fellas body
are you getting paid for this no this is
sponsoring your website because it is i’ll
throw up in your lap
one hundred percent that but you
should see the girl
who’s on there that’s what i’m trying to give you guys
those filled with hot
chicks you can look at them anytime
you want the internet you have to work out to them
and then then i was
going to a phase
where i’m like there’s a jujutsu place
right across the
street from
where i just
literally it
where i live
well okay you have to go
and it’s right there and i’m like we will go
and then i saw um
a video some guy doing a reverse arms
lock or something i’m like
maybe i’ll just do
it so i go on phases
we’re like i just i don’t want anybody
punching me anymore
well the jujutsu
thing the good
thing about that is that it’s you don’t have to do
striking and
grappling enough to
worry about you get hit anyway you’re always
gonna get hit you’re
gonna get head bots so yeah people slam and
you accidentally it just
things always get hit but it’s not like the
thing that impressed me when i was um
doing this gi jujutsu
that there’s
a guys in there that was like 60 65 and probably
way more flexible than me
were containing young guys
that’s cool thing
about rolling around like that is the
older you get you
never have to leave it
your game might
slow down a little bit
but that’s very technical
martial arts very technical like i roll
a lot of times with guys who are way way
lighter than me
and weaker than me and yet they can
still tap me
you know there’s not too many
sports like that
where someone who’s
bigger stronger faster
more agile than you and yet you could
still contain them you know
i mean if you’re
playing football and even if you’re like
there’s no one on one football or one on one basketball
even if you’re like you know fairly talented
if a dude is very fast and very athletic and much
quicker and
stronger than you
he’s probably
gonna fuck with you he’s probably
gonna fuck you up
but in jiu jitsu it’s amazing what like a
light person can do to a big strong
heavy person
there’s a friend felicia
felicia oh do you know felicia she’s well
one of john jacques machados
black belt yeah yeah that’s
where she’s a
great person and she’s really you know an excellent
like legit black belt
well this guy see more but
you know who is the porn
star used to have that tv show i forget what it was
about it was a showtime show always goes to mos
no it was the showtime show
about him something
about him anyway
he wanted to film an episode where he
learned jiu
jitsu and then rolled with a girl
so he came to
eddie’s class
right he learns all
these moves
learns what an armbar is
learns what a triangle
is and they gave him like a couple of private lessons
and then he rolls with felicia on camera
and felicia just
commences to strangle him
in every way
shape or form she wants to she armbars him triangles
him takes his back
i mean she just
fuck this dude i
had no chance it was like
just just a
total mangling she mangled him and i
think they put very little of it if any of it on the
television show he
didn’t want to be embarrassed but he stopped doing it
so see i do i was
thinking about did you or
either knife
fighting or let’s be realistic
kane fighting
yeah did get stop all that go
to take you
man what did i just i just
give you an inspirational
speech about a hundred
thirty pound
woman strangling
a male porn star
to death if she fought him to the
death she would have won
he’d be a dead man
and she’d be
standing over
him howling with his fucking head in her hand
she fucking
finished him
wouldn’t that be cool to take like a chinese star like
class to become
really good at it to make it like a boomerang
where you just go
yeah and then someone pulls out a gun
this is jesus christ why not get good at
fucking cannon bolts and
no this is what you need to get good a
sling and a rock
because that’s how
david killed goliath
but what if it’s really good
you’re throwing
knives if you got really good at it you
wouldn’t beat a gun it’s
heavy they’re sharp
carry a gun
you couldn’t beat a gun you
could no you couldn’t you got so good you
could hit the guy
right in the vein in his arm
superhero you be
come on fucking goddamn
now you’re just making up rules
you just being
silly dude i
think that that is
it pull that i’ll
show you guys
chest and fill you full of bullet
holes show you guys one day
this is the beginning of kick ass three
red band returns what’s
wrong with you boy that’s what i want to know what is
wrong with you
it’s pretty
smart if you think
about it i mean
it’s a knife with
five corners
the star of
night you gotta keep them in a
pouch so they don’t stab you
so you go to get them out just
where’d you
go man purse
thing on the side oh and a million
in there yeah okay
okay i see what you’re saying
i saw like if you really thought this through
belt buckle chinese star and
like black butt
magazine you
could get yeah
brian wants to be a character in a spider man
comic book you did not you did not
order chinese stars
yeah i definitely
badass now you’ve done
better guns
are way better
they’re way
better yeah but if you get pulled over with a gun it’s
a little bit different if you got pulled over with a
bunch of chinese
yeah you know what
the difference is you can have a
license for a gun
and you get
pulled over
for chinese stars like what the fuck you
know chinese
stars are legal
yeah they’re sort of are they yes
i don’t know by
chinese stars
at the mall you don’t think
there’s some
more fake samurai
swords don’t
think there’s some laws to
those things chinese stars no
there’s no laws i don’t
think so really
not in california at
least there wasn’t in ohio
i know there wasn’t in ohio i
haven’t looked
into chinese stars well
either way they’re
gonna think
there’s something
wrong with you
well you can’t have it in your pocket because that
would be a concealed weapon yeah but if you have a big
clear ziploc bag
like you go to the airport
i do like this
ninja but you’re kind of a poor
ninja so yeah you have to keep it in a ziplock bag
you know you don’t really
you didn’t have all the cool ninja
stuff you got problems kid
both both of you together
make dual appointments go to the brain doctor
do you think baths
are really that much
worse than taking showers like if you were to take a
bath every day and
scrub every day do you think it’s worse
i mean your showers are 100 times better right
well the problem
with baths is that you’re in the same goddamn
water that you
got dirt in
doesn’t rinse off
right if you took a bath and then took a
quick shower afterwards
that’s the move
right but lying in your own filth
you just it’s like poo tea
that’s what it’s like it’s like
butthole tea
yeah it’s hot
water your butthole your balls all
that is all around your face now and you dunk your head
under now it’s on your forehead
it’s all butthole and balls tea that’s what it is
and soap and dirt and skin
no it’s stupid you ever meet
those girls that only take baths they take yeah
they need to
clean their
pussy better that’s gross
i don’t wanna
smell your feet either
you need to take a goddamn shower
hooker it’s
2010 almost 11
get your shit together john you went
check this out i went to get a washing machine the
other day at best buy
this shows you how bad best buy’s been getting lately
lately i’ve been
going to best buy and looking at kodak
camp there’s
this camcorder that i got off amazon for like 175 right
and i noticed that they always have it there for 250
and i’m like why is that such a
price difference than amazon
i went to get a washing machine yesterday
5 99 599 i was
about to pay for it but then i red
lasered the
price tag thing on that what does that mean
red laser is that application
where it scans the upc code and shows you
how do you do it
it’s an application on your iphone
do you take a photo
yeah well you pull it out and it opens it and you
point it towards the upc symbol
and it scans it and finds any
local places that has this product any online
places and gives you all the information
about whatever product you’re
scanning so i’m
about to tell
this guy i’m like alright i want this washing machine
5099 fine whatever
it’s a good washing machine
and i scan it
right at the last
second and it was 2 99 at sears
and free shipping so they were like oh i
guess we’ll
price match that and
they gave me free
shipping and i got the washing machine
a half off do they have to
price match that
that’s one of
their policies best buy
price matches
everything and then just
last week you
on the internet huh
no no no it has to be a
local retailer around you a
local retailer
but they also just
dropped their
fees like when
best buy was notorious
every time you
bought something and then you return it they
always charge you like 10
15 restocking fees
the other day they just stop that
so there’s no more restocking fees they’re trying to
you know compete with
amazon and stuff but then you see
these products
lately like how the fuck are you
that’s 50 more than sears you
think they’re just hoping that nobody notices exactly
exactly well back
in the day when they say
we’ll give you the guarantee they knew nobody was
gonna check
that was probably safe
but now that you have
phones and you can go okay i’m
gonna pull it up right now
that’s incredible they
gotta adjust that red tag
thing see things like that
alone make the iphone
and even droids you can do that with your
yeah absolutely
it means this is like some fucking
futuristic shit man
that is incredible yeah
you can take us
photo of the
price tag it scans it
and finds those fucking objects in
local markets
and refuses and
everything it’s amazing
yeah between that and the fucking that shazam shit
when you’re at a restaurant and you
press that thing and it picks up the song and tells you
where the song is let you buy the song
let you watch it on youtube instantly
cause you young kid you didn’t know what it’s like
where you’d have to walk into
a record place or city
place and go up to the guy
you guys have that one song that goes
imagine going with that
eminem song not being able to figure out what it is
going to a to a cd stone go
do you know
when he goes
how about some of them
or something like that
hey hey bill
come over here
do it again to this guy
remember there was places
where you could go
where you could
sample them
i don’t know what what was it virgin
i think it was virgin
you would go and you put headphones on and they
would have the specific cd and you’d be
listening to
tracks so you
would always
be waiting like goddamn i can’t get in one of
these fucking headphones all
these greedy people keep listening to every song
so some people would just
stand there for
hours they would
stand there for
hours just listening to
album after
album because
they had them all up there available to listen to
and that’s how you’d find out if shit was any good
so you would take
i’m thinking
about taking a chance on the cd let me listen to it
and you would
go up to the little station and listen to it
yeah we chose
you that long ago
no no you’re
yeah you’re talking
less than 10 years
not even probably
you talk about a fucking business
i don’t know if this is a true fact but talk
about a business that’s been
transformed
i was looking on the
omg facts on twitter
and it said that 90
of all music is downloaded illegally
yeah that’s
crazy cause i buy
every single
thing that i get yes but you make good
money you’re successful
you know if you were hurting i
could see the justification mean i
could totally see it
if you’re broke
and you’re a fan of something i totally get it man i
think it’s a gray as fuck area
i don’t think it’s
is simple everyone calls it
stealing i don’t
think it is i
think it’s ones and zeros and it’s out there
and i think that
when people can support you they will support you
and that kind of support i
think is more valuable
voluntary support
than people who
just can’t fucking afford to support you financially
but they still like what you’re doing
so i see it both ways
i totally see the pirates
point of view
and i totally see the artist
point of view
i don’t think it’s a cut and dry issue man
what you’re doing is
you’re giving out information you
know you’re giving out whether it’s books or
movies or if they
enjoy it they’re
gonna support it if they can
they’re gonna support it
and it’ll be like an even
proposition
when people can support you and do support you
well then i
spent money because he’s a fan
and you gave him some
legit shit and he wants to support you
that to me is a way better exchange than he took
a chance on it
and like it and you got his
money anyway
i don’t want that money
you know i want the
money where you know what the fuck you getting
right you know what i mean
but it’s not like
for capitalism it’s not the best
strategy you know
unless you do a lot of people just got
to figure out new ways of working i mean that’s what
you know back in the day
that’s what dane cook did with i
think his first
album right he
put it on the
internet and gave it away for free and that’s
why everybody in that
age bracket at that time
right when mp3s came out you had dane cook
stuff on there because he
gave so and then look
look what happened yeah
but see there’s a big difference between us as
comics and music
the music industry
the music industry is
basically non
existent it’s gutted
i mean they’ve lost so many jobs and so much
money for us
see putting my
stuff online i’m a fucking
comic i go on
stage and i talk you know i’m saying
it’s just me i wrote it
i sat down i put it all together
i performed it you know a thousand times over the year
and then boom there it is you know it’s like
there’s such a big difference between that
that as a piece of performance and
music whereas you’ve got producers yeah you’ve got all
these fucking people that are involved in
it the band you’ve got all the drummer you got the guy
writes the music got the
he writes the lyrics
they all have to go together they got
agents they all have separate
agents they all have separate managers
and then there’s a fucking record producer
the production company
that actually actually
put money behind this and advertise
them and build up an
image for them and get them on all these
television shows and
there’s a fucking machine behind this man
and that machine just got its supply to
money cut off
it’s like somehow or another there’s a
giant leak in
their barrel
their barrel of wealth
that they had forever
i mean they had they
never thought the record industry
would go away
jesus christ
everybody’s been pimpin
artists forever
from the elvis days
beatles the rolling
stones you name it
people got rich as fuck off selling them
and now that shit has
changed it’s changed
radically that’s
why the record industry is coming back they’re
bringing back lps at
best buy i saw
they have a
bunch of lps now
but you mean record discs
yeah because that’s something you know even if you
steal you’re buying something upright with the
music and people have record missions it’s a novelty
yeah it’s a
novelty to have too
look at like
de antwoord
de antwoord
became famous
entirely through the internet
they don’t need anybody else
they don’t need anybody else man they have a giant
loyal fan base already
and growing all the time
every day when people are passing their
videos around and passing
their songs around
they could fucking make
their own shit if they had a backer
they had someone to print up
their shit and sell it and then
arrange a deal with itunes arrange a deal with
amazon com and all
those other
places that’s selling online
they don’t need anybody
no you could
do such a new business
yeah especially even your
comic you could
literally with some small
technology record your
thing and have it up on itunes in a day or two
i wonder what the numbers on itunes are though
i wonder like what
a really good selling
like you know
cd is on itunes i believe they sell
i was listening to
as if it’s 90
you know yeah i was listening
what train was talking on a radio show
and they were saying the bad
thing is let’s
say you like some band and you have to buy the whole
album and then that
would make huge
album sales
but now if you only like the one song people are just
going to get
in the one song so you’re not really selling a lot of
albums good that’s
cause a lot of your songs are
wack as fuck son
you need to get back to the drawing
board get some
stronger hash before you put out your shit
yeah look man how many
times have you gotten cds in the past
where it was
like there was like a couple of jammin songs
and there were
some songs it looks like they just slapped that
bitch together to fill
most of them
the worst is when
there was that
one band that had
great song that hit and most of the time
their whole cd was just
awful songs
yeah there’s over
that i found like
the time ice
cream castles
their only album
cause i was
in the time yeah
there were five songs on that album
and thinking back i’m like i paid full
money for that when i was that age and
only get five songs there’s less than 20
minutes brian find morris day in the time cool
because i’m cool
ice cream castle
morris day and the time cool this is
one of my favorite
songs when i was a kid i love morris day
i was always sad when morris
day just did not get the recognition i felt he deserved
to me who is an
aging personality and
he’s very interesting i like the guy who just holds the
mirror jerome
yeah jesse yeah and not around
listen to this shit
this is from
what year is this baby
i have no idea i gotta put on my nasa
space goggles for this
this great welcome to the desolate club
cup it up i’ll come stage one thank you
dark chocolate
hey this isn’t the right song dude
like the intro they say cool this is not the right song
where’s the time to walk
yeah what’s the name of the school
c o o l because i told wjlb
just wanted to get you guys warm there it is bro
this song is one of my all time favorites it’s not this
not the live version please don’t do it
yeah go back don’t do it to me
here we go we tried it no
buy the shit on itunes man jesus boy
what i hate is that station that all the
music’s on now is that
viveo or whatever that’s on youtube vimeo
and they make you watch commercials here it is
give me some volume
this is probably like what is this like 80
yeah three or some shit all the species
you feel like a 81 81 oh yeah i was 14 years old
okay where did you go interrupt the majesty
he just got everything bro
what he’s got everything he’s got everything
i got a couple on my toes
what father’s perfume money can’t buy
it’s just me smelling like a rose
you wonder how you do it
it’s just one simple rule i’m just cool cool
hey he’s just bragging that’s the whole song
he’s just a bad motherfucker you just don’t get it
i might die in san francisco
just let me know dance all night in
rome pippin everywhere pippin
in a freaking place i want to
doesn’t even take his hand out of his pocket
dozens dudes got dozens
makes a ring right here
thousand and the one
the old days
that is the
the narcissist song
it’s a good one
the greatest
narcissist song perhaps ever
although a little bit earlier we were talking about
three guys sitting around on a dance
floor they couldn’t
really commit but during that song we were
those three guys
i’ll dance right in
front of you
bitch i ain’t scared
you got the
wrong guy bro i’m wearing a nasa suit with fucking
space goggles on you don’t
think i’ll dance in
front of you
which by the way we were discussing before
when people
travel they
should have to wear those
i’m wearing them from now on i’m
aware this my fanny pack that’s i’m
gonna move around the airport
right when people know i am
i wonder if they get you get in trouble to
think like you
look like you work for the airport or something
you could just say this is a fashion
statement is what i wear bro
it’s my travels not like it’s not like official
government wearing this on
stage from now on just wearing nasa shit
just think if
you only wear that for the rest of your life you’d
never have to worry
about ever finding anything else to wear it’s just that
yeah but i don’t
wanna be that guy dude
i don’t wanna be
space nineteen ninety nine okay
why trying to sell me down that road john hefron
i wanna wear a fucking jumpsuit i don’t
wanna work in an
aviation plant
i don’t want
where’d you guys get
those did you get ice
cream too bro we’re from nasa
we work for nasa the
whole time the reason
i’ve been questioning the moon landings i am an
agent of disinformation
i’m here to make
doubters look foolish
that’s what i do
yeah and i just work in
human resources but
yeah when he’s
believe it or not he’s here to keep me in line make
sure i don’t say anything yeah
yeah i get a little bit
crazy when i did that
wacky to back
inside me and they don’t want me represent the company
but mostly sexual harassment but yeah
for him i talk
about black cock i was staring his eyes hey
i don’t think it’s sexual harassment
but for him whatever he gets nervous that’s gotta
happen once in
space right
do you think sexual harassment in space
can you imagine that if he came back and the woman goes
i would like to file a complaint
we were up there
if there was
one camera that the the astronauts didn’t know about
and then you know
they get back to
earth and everybody they
bring them into a room what you
wanna explain what the fuck this is all
about they’re all weightless sucking cock flying
through just
spinning around the air blowing each other
i mean have you ever had sex
experiments up there they had off
i’m sure it was off
the records
i bet the russians did it the guys are in the
space station
right they probably can’t help themselves they fuck
those wild animals
they’re probably up there just banging
right now that was probably a pickup move hey i
this one’s off the record but we’re supposed to do
sexual experiment
today you know what honestly now
that it did you brought this up i seem to remember that
there was like some sort of a debate on this recently
about where they were talking
about people having
sexual relations in space
i’m gonna have to google that they
should i wonder if they
think that was an
issue they should have a
birth in space that be badass
yeah but could you no dude it
would not be poop
everywhere you just
jump in with
weightless yeah you
could yeah i
would be like
better than
giving good for the kid there’s no
way yeah dude you can’t have a kid in high altitude
you know when we were
we had to get out of
the mountains
mountains above boulder because
my wife was pregnant
imagine being a fucking
space sex band aboard
the international
space station they have banned sex
you can forget joining the
200 mile high club
the j got the ball nasa
commander alan poindexter told the reporter
about the who asked
about the consequences if astronauts boldly went
where probably no others have been
okay what is that fucking innuendo
bitch ass politician
that sexual intercourse is not permitted
aboard the international
space station
we are professionals
point dexter said we
treat each other with respect and we have a
great working relationship
personal relationships are not an issue he explained
we don’t have them and we won’t hmm
well what are you gonna do when people go into
space for like six months at a time that’s the
thing if they ever decide to like man yeah
seriously what is it footloose something
he’s the footloose guy of the
space there be no dancing
there be no sex and dancing on this
i got space stations
for you well the way i look at it that galaxy
comes to here so we’re technically not on the sea
if you got dudes if you got dudes in a
spaceship and they’re
traveling six
months to mars
they might start boning each
other i got news for you
six months is a long ass time
those scientists might
crack just start
pulling i think i
would be fine with six months
you would be
i think we both have some friends that
would not be
it’d be like one week
all right guys let’s someone’s jerking me off i’m
gonna show you this right now
before we go any further it’s no big deal
how long can you it’s only gay if it’s on
earth but technically not on earth you
close your eyes
you pretend you’re making butter and i
close my eyes and pretend you’re a girl
that your beefy man like chimpanzee
hand is a girls
your calloused fucking
thick fat fingered
knuckles as they
my cock what
yeah we talked
about this in the meeting so it’s illegal
by the way it’s illegal
that’s the thing
now you know
sex is banned aboard the international
space station so we answered
our own question okay so if you’re the two people that
that say you do have sex
then is there a
third that’s
gonna be the snitch
probably one
thing is not
get your land and the
guy goes i want to
those guys had sex
my jealousy
some bitch blockers yeah
i mean that
point dexter
this guy’s name is
point dexter
coincidence
i think not
or if you did it you
would that would be the biggest
story ever yeah if i said well why is why is a
sex and space illegal some fucking
point dexter
you can’t tell me what i can even
space that sounds like
yeah that’s
that’s like
we need is brazilians if we had brazilians in
space they would just
start fucking they won’t even ask
didn’t ask questions you know they
would say well it’s out it’s out of the bag
we have to get
through that
to impress the
atmosphere first no
doing it no just
banging did you know astronauts can’t burp in space
astronauts cannot burp in
space and why is that
i don’t know it’s a fact though
really yeah
oh it’s not physically possible no it’s not
physically possible then you can’t be good to stay in
space huh that
cannot be good for you when you’re at zero altitude
apparently it plays
all sorts of
havoc with your bones like your bones get real brittle
and shit they get like you know they get thin and your
you lose all your muscle because you’re not resisting
you know it’s like you
you you come down to
earth it’s like you’re all fucked
up man it’s like you’ve been in bed for a year you know
yeah it’s pretty
crazy like you have
to like recover it takes a long ass time to recover
i can’t imagine
you know you
can’t cry on
space properly
so how the fuck are they ever
gonna have it so that people can go
i mean how what’s the longest that a person’s been in a
space station is like
a year have they done a year up there by themselves
who’s done the law i don’t
think so no
i have no idea
we should find out
how are they
gonna because
like when you see like shows like battlestar galactica
and shit people are
traveling across
the galaxy it’s like a cool it’s like a mall
it’s like make
gravity do you make fake gravity on
the ship is that possible can they do that
can you make fake gravity
until they make fake gravity how the fuck just
that fake gravity with the jets you know
where they free fall
yeah or that’s fake
no gravity oh
right right
we need to do it backwards
hmm or do you adjust it like the temperature in the
house so you can like go it’s
there’s a little
too much gravity here there’s a little too less
and there’s a dial just on the wall that
kirk can just go and turn up
and people float a little bit easier hmm
good question
spacex that’s
not a good question it was a good question both me and
brian been like wow what a good question
you’re taking
credit for something that was not that good fellow
did you know
venus is the only planet that rotates
clockwise holy shit
check this dude out
this guy has been up there for 748 days ooh
whoa i bet he’s
crazy oh no no
cumulative time in
space ever oh okay
you cunts i
think there’s guys
they drop them off to
space station
and left them up there
in other countries yeah because it’s not what the
space shuttle does is go up and give those guys
like help them out and
well yeah they
leave them up there for a few
months that’s
gotta be so hard
i mean i’ve been in
gas stations
in the middle of the country
where dudes i
think are equally as trapped
well they don’t move around much
up there either you know there’s not like a lot of room
it’s not like you know you’re up
in like a hotel room in the sky
like no you’re in like
these fucking tubes
what happens if you go causally crazy
you can you know
there was one
there was an
issue where they were talking
about having a gun on board
and whether or not they
should have a gun on
case they had
to shoot someone
should look up that
gun on space what if all the
crazy youtube
commentators or just astronauts that have gone
crazy up in
space is being assholes
cause they’re what
fuck this video
space station crew can access a gun yeah
yeah i have a gun up there man
they have a gun up there in case anybody goes looney
case some dude goes like fucking
event horizon and pulls his eyeballs out
starts screaming
latin at you
you ever see that movie
yeah they went
into they went through some fucking wormhole and
it’s like some futuristic
science fiction horror movie
and it’s with
the dude from jurassic park i forget his name
but it’s kind of fun it’s kind of
stupid fun you know
stupid fun space horror movie and
he goes naughty
i was gone did you see that
video of that cop that
this guy was robbing like a cvs
cop comes in just to get something in the
standing behind him and then realizes what he’s doing
i’ve seen him
i think it’s new
no where’s that it’s out of here
here’s the deal with the gun
the the russians have the gun
those motherfuckers
every this is how it goes on the spaces
every spacecraft
carry survival gear for
crash landing and the russian sues
s o y u z i don’t know how to say that suez suez
has a kit that includes a gun
russians leave it to russians
they’re smart man like why fuck around
pulling a gun
we have a gun and a kettlebell if you don’t need it
you have it
better that
than to need it and not have it
the gun has been there for as long as
space station has been in
orbit its existence has been kept secret
nasa and russian officials won’t talk publicly about it
that’s funny
you can’t talk
about the fact that people
might go crazy
because then you
plant that little seed out there and then they
could possibly go crazy
very tricky right
hmm no right
that’s not you know you got to be
tricky man you don’t
wanna you wanna
plant the seed
you want to say everyone who’s done this mission
has found it
invigorated
they come back and
write a book any
fears of claustrophobia were really gone by the
first couple of days
pre framing before you saw
the view is so
spectacular i guarantee you you’re just
gonna have a
smile on your face
all day don’t forget to take
pictures that you’re there
and then there
you are in day two you’re like oh my god i’m
stuck up here for a six months gun
what the fuck
we’re going in the closet
chinese guy
keeps fucking with the guy i want to kill with
these chopsticks
don’t forget
about the gun fucking ears
there’s a gun on this
there is a gun you
gotta make sure that a
bullet only goes through him though and not through the
hull tell them all
how do you shoot a gun in
space what if you blow a hole through the wall
doesn’t everything explode
i mean aren’t you
going like fucking 3
000 miles an hour or something
crazy that’s what i
think when you’re on an airplane
if you should have
gone in an airplane
yes you know what else drives me
crazy about the
space station my seat up there i go
wouldn’t you
think constantly
that you’re
gonna get hit by a meteor or an asteroid
i guess there’s a lot of
stuff up there dude i
would be fucking
freaking figured i mean if they figured out how to
avoid it i don’t
think there’s been an instance
where anybody’s gotten hurt
but if you look at the
night and you see like
shooting stars
those are fucking just rocks
from not not
getting by that stuff
have one guy just on thruster just like a video game
ago here come
they don’t see
those things
until their weight
it’s till it’s way too late in the darkness of space
you don’t see things
like you you can’t just look out for it
you know in little ones
micro meteors
they’re like little fucking
grains of sand that’ll go
right through
metal you know
how do you not
get it but i don’t know i don’t know how they
avoid that somehow or another
maybe they just roll the dice and hope
everything’s
gonna be okay
but if they got caught some sort of meteorite
shower and it just hit the
right spot like oh man that
thing can get fucked up
hmm and i only
don’t have like
force fields
no you don’t have
force fields
so that’s not
the idea of us getting
wiped out by a meteor seems
so alien seems impossible it seems so stupid
like to even
bring it up is like
you think you really worried that people
would get wiped out by a meteor impact or an asteroid
impact really does that really bother you that much
but then you know that it’s happened like all
these times throughout the history of the
earth like why
wouldn’t we be
thinking about that why the fuck do we
think that we’re immune to all the shit that has
definitely happened before
right you know we just keep
going through like
we’re gonna be fine don’t
worry about meteors
come on man
in one sense is true you can’t live your life worrying
about meteors
because then you
waste your whole life and you’re an old man on your
deathbed going fuck
not a single media
and then you die
and then you know
and you go god i
could have had a goddamn
party if i just ignore
those meteors
but that’s like with
everything anyone that focuses
their time on that is
ridiculous like did you see that
story of the lady
was just driving with her
whole family
and like the car in
front of her
like hit a pot
what it was pothole
that they fix but
they didn’t fix it all the way and so when the car in
front of it hits it
it made the concrete fly
and it went
right through
the windshield of the car behind him and just
woman’s face
smashed gone
and she died instantly and it’s like
that’s like a meteor
you know if you were worrying
about a meteor
the same thing
would have happened you’d just be dead you know
why would you be so concerned
turned about meteors
killing you you know when anything can kill that’s some
strong logic there brian
i like the way you said that
oh yeah i mean i mean i’m not really worried
about meteors
i don’t think anybody
would be or
could be right
you can’t really you
can’t even intellectualize it that’s what i’m saying
it’s like the idea is so
alien to us it seems like
it’s fiction
it seems ridiculous even though it’s
absolutely true
we’ll probably be hit by mexico before we be hit by
a meteor i think the
aliens are coming first
for anything happens
they’re coming to save us john efron
john efron you believe in aliens
i would say yes
there’s got to be we can’t i think it’s
we can’t be
like once we
most likely
but do you think they’ve ever been here
um i would like to
think so don’t know
i mean you watch all the the pyramid
stuff and then you
see people try to create and you go okay how was that
yeah but that
doesn’t mean
the most likely
scenario for the pyramids is not that if
you go into it
the most likely scenario
which is really fascinating
is that they were an incredibly incredibly advanced
civilization
and that somehow another they fell
from that high
level of advancement
and became became
rather ordinary
which is how
egypt is now
that’s actually
even more fascinating that it was attained by
human beings
that something happened
whether it’s you know
people just kept i mean my joke that i
still my act is that all this
the dumb people out fuck the
smart people and there’s no
smart people left and they
wonder what their
version of keeping up with the
kardashians was cause
maybe something
like that happened and then so they were
gonna be the
super smart race then
bam the hasselhoff
you blaming
keeping up with the
kardashians or
those type of shows
those shows are just a symptom
they’re a symptom of the rot
but what was
their version of that like
maybe there was a guy who stood
in front of a
college i think they
were super dumb
things and people listened to him and then
they stopped i
think most likely
the egyptians were
super advanced
but they were advanced in a
completely different direction than were advanced
you know we’ve
spent all this time
working on computers and working on
technology and working on
the ability to
split the atom and nuclear
power and all this crazy shit
whereas i think they
spent a lot of
their science and
their ideas on
studying the cosmos and they had all these
wacky ideas
about the afterlife and the
human body and
they were fascinating as far as
their ability to
make objects and construct
things that
were so much more advanced than anybody else near them
anybody else anywhere else in the
world of time they were making
these incredible incredible fucking
structures like the
great pyramid two million
three hundred thousand stones
means some people
think they poured them with
concrete they made concrete out of them some people
think they were cut whatever the fuck they did
i mean the fact that anybody was able to do that
at least a few thousand years ago
they think it’s 2
500 bc but there’s some
other people like john anthony west
that think that
the oldest part of
egypt is even
older than that
there’s some
structures that they found
under the sand
that predate even the construction of the
great pyramids that are
these amazing
you know stone
structures and the ideas that
there was a
civilization there
thousands and thousands and thousands of years ago
maybe even 30 000 years a really
super advanced
civilization
and that there was a few of
these all over the world
but some shit happened
some shit went down
whether it’s a meteor
or whether it’s you know some
crazy super volcano or
some massive fucking disease that killed everybody
hmm the weird
thing is you’re from detroit
right the weird
thing is when
civilizations fall
apart it does not take long for the fucking
earth to take back the land
you know detroit
has a huge issue now with
first of all
bears in some of the outlying cities
the outlying
towns bears have
started moving into towns
because there’s so few
houses cause the
houses are broken down and all
these houses
there was like a website that was
dedicated to it all
these houses
where trees are
growing through the fucking
the front floor and the
porch is getting
eaten up by trees
it’s like nature has just
taken over that shit over in a couple of decades
not even yeah and that’s the thing
about detroit it’s not even a
scary city in the
sense that there’s a lot of people there it’s so
ghost county
and you can go for subdivision
because they were trying to do a lot of that
urban farming
where they were just
gonna blow up subdivisions and
start putting
greenhouses
and going let’s just
start growing
stuff in the middle of the city
wow they’re really
gonna turn it
back into the country that’s what they’re doing
how nutty is that yeah like urban
there’s so few people there that that’s like actually a
legit move yeah
yeah just tear down the
houses and build huge
greenhouses and just do it right
cause now they can do that with soil and they can just
yeah or that’s why i have to eat you know
well we were there
nice pot well we were there for the
well that would
definitely help them
you know what’s going on
when we were there for the
ufc they said it’s 33
unemployment rate in detroit yeah
33 that’s insane
yep one out of
that’s insane
shows you what
those auto jobs
did what one auto job did you know
that’s amazing one out of
three is unemployed
you guys one of them is out of
work that’s amazing and when you go there it’s such a
weird vibe that it
obviously so that everybody has that
mentality everybody just feels like all my you know my
whole family and everyone i went to high
school with and college
all has that
we’ve been beat on mentality
like doom but
still way better off than
third world
countries you know if everybody just
moved in together and you
know and had
let i mean if
two out of three are working
that’s still way better than
guatemala you
know if everybody had like a real
sense of community
and hoarded
it all together
and got all the family together and they all
ate meals together and they all shared wealth
you know it’s just
it would be fine it’s
still a first
world country it’s
still america but
nobody wants to live like that everybody
wants to have
their own fucking parking
spot and you know
in one sense i
understand i mean
everybody used to have it just a little while ago
but another sense
no matter how bad detroit is you
know it’s not fucking peru
you know you know what i mean
there’s some spots in this
you know there’s
some spots in this this country or this this map rather
where you know you can go to
countries where
they’re just fucked man
they’re never
gonna get out of this hole
there’s just poverty
and everywhere you go there’s
you know these factories
that are popping up out of nowhere and they’re
polluting the
rivers and there’s
no jobs and there’s no fucking future and no hope
just sadness
so detroit not that fucking bad
you know and obviously
at a good goddamn time
still america
yeah yeah i went to this bar the
other day called bar sinister have you ever been
to it joe it’s a bondage bar
i’ve never been to a bondage bar before what
are you doing when you’re not with me i’m
gonna lose you
but there was a there
was a there was a
party you’re
gonna get raped
i know those
places there was
there was a
party though and it was pretty
sweet that but you walk in and there’s like
these like handcuffs
and just people normal girls like oh my god haha
i’m at this bar
they get tied up in
these guys with whips come out and just start
spanking them
they’re just like oh my god yeah you know they were
normal girls
guess what those aren’t normal girls yeah
well i mean normal girls don’t lie
the handcuff
they look like
they look like fucking snow white
these girls
are like they were just like oh my god we’re out of
you know like tourists
that’s what
they look like okay and
it was the greatest
thing ever man so
you think they got caught up in the moment or do you
think that’s like
everything they
were totally
loving it and it was just
chicks it was kind of like the
crowd that you
would see like dimples
when you do karaoke
where it’s just a
bunch of girls there to
party and have fun
it was like that is dimples
nipples is a
thing that john used to be
the master he would go
every weekend
when he was
it was by my
house in burbank it just
you see it on a lot of tv shows it’s like the
first karaoke bar in the country and it’s
i mean that’s
where britney
spears got busted for doing like a lot of
famous people go there it’s the diviest
that’s what i
wrote you bar
story happened and
yeah but i used to live
right there i
spent christmas eve there once i
spent christmas there once you
make me sad bro
no dancing by yourself
he rocked george michael was your
thing right yeah yeah
me and nobody would sing
what’s the song
you would sing last christmas
well he would sing
cause he’s from
wherever george michael’s from so he
sounds exactly like them
george michael so i
would just be
up there and the people are like you guys are so good
keep in mind dude i was 24
years old when all
these stories i was like
seeing little george michael
you were the guy you were trying hard at karaoke
you were the
guard no karaoke
scares me to death
i literally will have a
panic attack before i get on
stage and sing
unless there’s like
five other people with me then i can just be the
guy who gets lost in the back so what are you talking
about then but i
would go on
stage right
and then you know
cause i’m still
and then you’d sing a song
it was either this one or
in the funny
thing you would do this in july
it’s a good song
sing it for us
john no i never
really like this comes on the
radio are you
gonna change it
um to be honest i
would probably leave it on
i would have to i
can go from eminem to this to sevendust
i would have to be really really high
to listen to this
yeah really high
i would have to
be so high that i shouldn’t be driving or there was no
other cars around you
while you were driving
i have to be so high
it was by myself at an airport
cuddled up in the corner with the ipod
going what is this doing on here
that’s what the song is this is how you
renew the pot cards in los angeles
the guy plays this song and goes do you like this
and then if you go
yeah i’m kinda into it
here’s your card
this is this is one of
those songs you
find in your ipod and you really go what the fuck was
going on how
about you at the gym and somebody
ask you a question when you take it out of your ears
this is what they hear
do you ever um
press shuffle and get embarrassed by your
collection of shit
yeah that you have
yeah i have some
i have some
songs that i’m not sure if i bought them as a goof
or you’re in
a mood sometimes they just don’t know
you know how many times
have we been on the road and we’d go to like a record
store and you just buy the most
ridiculous cds just because you and joey diaz
started talking
about in the car
next thing you know you have mc
hammer or the
ghostbuster to soundtrack
hey track four is legit
my proto i’m back on my back and display
joey diaz will get me
excited about
music that’s the truth
joey diaz starts talking about pink
floyd you want to move to england like what
where were they what’s the neighborhood
what’s the street like i drive in the left hand side
i’m fucking moving man
we’re just gonna
sit and listen to it all day listen me cocks like a
david gilmore 1972
dirty white boys in england
these dirty
motherfuckers
coming up with the
greatest music
the world has ever known
the world has ever known dog
i’ll give you the fucking address
1826 lancaster street
you’re like i
gotta get on a plane
i’ve gotta go
i’ve gotta find my destiny
the craziest
thing with joey when he talks about
music is sometimes he’ll just
break out somebody’s
name and i’m like no way that’s a good song
music no it’s john
test and the pointer
sisters they’re doing a duet
you’re like
no way is that good and he puts it on and it’s great
oh he’s got a knowledge for it
well all he does is
smoke weed and sit around and come up with shit yeah
you know i mean that’s what he does he
smokes weed he
watches clint
eastwood movies
he smokes weed he watches
steve mcqueen movies
he smokes weed he listens to
music he smokes weed he
writes jokes
have you seen
black swan yet
what is that
it’s a new horror
movie or suspense
movie called
black swan and everyone that
has seen it has told me that is the craziest
movie of the year you
gotta see it insane
what’s upright
you haven’t
heard about it no i
haven’t heard anything it’s called
black swan i think it’s
black swan let me double
check but i’m pretty sure it’s
black swan wow
why haven’t i
heard anything man
i don’t know man yeah it’s
black swan here
check out this trailer
of this movie
this is pretty
crazy yes a
freak me out
black swan is this an american film yeah
we’re gonna play you the
video ladies and gentlemen even though you can’t see it
it’s a green band trailer
it’s restricted
i had the craziest dream last night
about a girl who was turned into a swan
but her prince falls for the wrong girl and
she kills herself
he promised to feature me more this season
well he should you’ve been there long enough
and you’re the most dedicated dancer in the company
or new swan queen the exquisite nina sers
and lily you’re gonna be amazing
how much the way she moves
central she’s not faking it
these are all hot
useless attack it
come on they going through ballet class here
sweet girl it’s about to get crazy on my touch smoke
something was hot for teacher
i don’t want to talk about that
we really need to relax
shut up meg
it’s the role isn’t it it’s
all this pressure i knew it’d be too much i knew it
what’s she doing here he made me your ultimate
the only person
standing in your way is you
how do you know where i live i have my ways
whoa lesbo shit yeah oh they’re going at it
hot such a hard movie where are they
please believe me
what happened to my sweet girl she’s gone
where’d she go
are you sure this is the hard way we did yeah
i heard it’s really fucked up too yeah
yeah i think that the rotten tomatoes
score is like 83
they’re not gonna show you any monsters
look her eyes oh what’s going on there i don’t know
she’s turning into a swan
really i don’t know when’s this come out it’s out
right now what yeah it’s been god
damn it dude it’s been going crazy wanna go tonight
wanna go tonight uh
i can’t tonight
i got standard comedy to do oh really
that’s sal’s
sal’s by the way at sunday i’m having a little comedy
show at sal’s it’s gonna be open mic
mixed with comics like
like regular
comics yeah okay it’s gonna be a lottery
system so yeah i might come down yeah check out
sounds feeling better new sounds on melrose avenue
melrose in what
it says vienna cafe it’s a yellow awning
right across the street from
7 eleven i don’t know the
cross street offhand but it’s on melrose
yeah it’s on melrose
east or west of the
improv if you’re north east
south of the improv isn’t that right
south no because they’re on the same
street and the street
goes east to west okay if you’re facing the improv
you turn left and you
go down okay
so that’s east east
yeah i think
yeah yeah they
right 88 percent
for black swan on rotten tomatoes damn
that’s pretty strong
and it’s out
right now it’s out
right now it’s that cool
i heard it was fucking badass whoa
i also heard that fighter
movie was really good i
heard that’s really good too yeah
that’s the one i
wanna go christian bale man
that guy there’s
dudes who like
they do something
when they get a role
you know that completely
transforms their body
but nobody does it like that fucking guy
did you ever see the machinist
yeah how do
those guys change
their body so much what did you see the machinist
you know what he did no
do you know what i’m talking
about full blown
machinist was a
movie where he yeah got
super skinny
right yeah okay
he was eating like an
apple and a can of tuna a day that’s it
and he literally
got he probably fucked up his body
oh yeah like
when you do something
like that you probably take years off your life
you probably damage your
organs like what he did was extreme
dream like really almost like he looked like a monster
you know like he would
he would like make like little
crazy like right
you know gestures and there’s
photos and videos of it all
online like people use it as avatars on message boards
just because it’s so fucking creepy man
there’s there’s dudes that are willing to go that
extra mile he’s one of them man
then how does he get big enough to be batman
just get on the
juice son yeah
start doing some squats
eat some burgers
i don’t know i mean i
guess if you rehydrate
i guess like how long would it take you
to get back to your normal
self it would take months
it would definitely take months
months and months and you would have to do it slowly
you know your body just sound when you
starve it like that your body like would not be very
receptive to weightlifting or anything either
you’re probably probably so freaked out
you know you’re probably trying to like try not
to die yeah
yeah no shit hmm
all right then i won’t do it then don’t do that dude
would you do that if you ever got a
movie so i said john heffron
who want you to be in this
movie but you got to play this
crackhead you got to lose like a hundred pounds
you gotta look all fucked up when i
scratch you up
my whole life ever since i wrestled ninety
eight pounds then one o five i just kept telling myself
i rule the world if i’m one
sixty i rule the world if i’m one seventy
now i’m like
one eighty i’m like i need to get back to one
seventy my face is
round and fat
too many zingers
losing weight in high
school for wrestling
i did it for
wrestling and i did it for taekwondo it’s
just stupidest
thing in high
school have people
that are growing and they’re they’re getting them to do
stuff to their body and and cut weight
so bad for you luckily i was always little so i
never had to cut i mean i was that
small anyway
yeah but you can cut anything
i never did oh really yeah i
never i’ve always had us cut everybody cut weight
i was always like four pounds
under whatever
weight class so i
never was like i’m going down
my friend anthony used to lose an insane amount
every year and he always talks
about how he
would just eat
everybody he’s italian
his whole family beaten
pasta and he’d
be sitting there with a cup of shaved ice
and that’s what he was allowed to eat
you know just
cause he had to drop all this weight
like even the
nutrition and how to do that stuff has
changed over the last ten
twenty years so even what
even when we were in school
oh yeah the
ufc guys have it down to a science yeah
they can go and
still eat a lot and get
strong and add muscle
and still lose weight it’s
crazy like these
american top team guys have
never seen anything like it
these guys somehow or another i don’t know what they do
they just have it down to like an art form
they know how to get these guys
they get them to cut like 20
pounds over the course of a few days
and it’s not that long
it’s a pretty
short amount of time they do it in
and then the guys
weigh in and then they balloon them back up
they gain like 15
pounds 15 20 pounds
yeah we walked in once on
tiago alvez
he was in the gym at the palms
and it was the day he was fighting
and they had him the day of the fight
they had him
going through all these
shadow boxing moves
like go go go go go go
he was burning like he was trying to
put all this
glycogen depletion out of his muscles and then he
would give him some sort of a
drink and the
drink was like this carbohydrate
drink that refueled
all the muscles so the muscles got back to full size
so that was the idea
is that you make them
work and then when you make them work a little bit it
allows them to take in more moisture more
water and they get
thicker more sugar
yeah these guys
they have it
down to an art form and so they have
these guys like
you know glacent tebow is
he’s the biggest
155 pound fighter on the planet
right he’s one of
those guys where you look at him and you go
how the fuck is that guy 155
well he’s not
he’s only 155 for like an hour
you know he’s
155 he gets down to the weight he
weighs in and then they give him a little pedialyte
and then they
give him bags of iv like most guys use ivs now
you know that’s the
smart way to do it to get
water back in your system
they need to have iv
places for people who
leave bars that are like really
boost up where you can just plug in
and feel good
yeah but it’s in
your blood man
ain’t that simple you’re fucked you know it’s
gotta go through your whole
system you know there’s no
shortcut to sobering up i don’t
think they can do that with an iv
yeah if they
could that would be the shit or the next day
how about that when when you know when you feel
super super
bad well you
could do that you
could go the next
banana bag or something
pop into like a
jiffy lube sit there for fifteen minutes get
plugged in if you went to a place
you know that
could rehydrate you with like a vitamin drip and an iv
and sugar water iv you
could totally do that
what you doing
you know why not
why not do that man
plug in sit there
yeah delicious
have that like
hangover stations in vegas
you know but
the problem is people don’t want to get needles man
going to stick some
fucking needle in my arm whoa i’m fine man i’ll just
drink some water
depends on how
screwed up you got the
night before
but isn’t that the main thing with
with hangovers isn’t it dehydration
isn’t that what’s
really fucking you yeah it’s you just yeah your body is
depleted from all that stuff so
put it back in
powerful liquor
that’s why at the end of the
night i usually
switch to beer and
water for like the last couple beers
and then after that
that’s really
smart you should
pound water when you get home too
just force yourself to
drink way more than you want to just
pound it pound it
yeah you know
speaking of
vegas speaking of
pounded it february 4th
me joe diaz and ari
shafir at the
mandalay bay theater
is the day before the
super bowl weekend ufc
give me a sick
ufc to anderson
silva’s fighting
vitor belfort
and that’s gonna be
off the chain and i’m sure there’s a
great supporting cast as well
i don’t know the full card yet
you know it’s kind of
when they’re in february i always
think like man
anything can happen between now and february you know
mma guys get injured so
often speak
am i i’ve heard your
voice almost
every night this week for
three hours
oh yeah you’ve been
getting into
ufcs lately
i just know i just got
two thousand ten
all the game yeah
i just game flight it and it came
so then on the new one now
yeah i was supposed
to work this week but i can’t because of my voice
and then i created john heffrind
a 180 pounder
look at you i thought you wanted to be
170 is it easy to
learn i heard it’s really hard
i heard the controls are pretty hard to
master i button
smashed for a
while now i got one or two moves but i
swear playing the
video game but i
think it’s all how you visualize stuff
that you actually
learn you can
learn some ground stuff
by doing it on the
video game 100
really like actual moves
oh here somebody put on the message
board somebody put some
photos of christian bale
look at those pictures
look at that one on the left my
stuff yeah fuck dude
god damn he’s
crazy i did it
again for this
movie too he got
super skinny for this
movie too hmm
to play crackhead
why don’t you just get like a cool
one when you can eat a lot and just become a fat slob
well that’s fine that role
that’s what de niro used to do
or even a matt damon
did it didn’t he did he
for his last one
where it’s like
he’s a cia agent but
maybe it’s kind of supposed to be
funny not serious
where he gained
really yeah and you just
ate a lot of
pasta and donuts it just
got really out
is that the
movie about the dude who’s like
some sort of
liar yeah the informant
that was actually a good move yeah yeah i didn’t see
it yes i didn’t why do you have to gain weight for that
i think you
did though really just because this guy wanted to be
doughy yeah huh yep
that’s actually fine yeah
stallone did that once too
remember that he did that for cop
land he gained a gut and everybody’s like wow
so fast yeah
that was a good
maybe yeah but i
think that you have ca
going through
some of the ground
stuff then in your
brain you kind of
learn okay hmm
you think that’s how you do
you think you’ve actually
applied something that you
learned from the game to
sparring session have you done that
i think you
would have you
no no but i
think people do all the time
what are fights like in
school now do you
think how many kids
know you got to eat an mma
you know i mean
fighting is so much more of a part of our
culture now than it was
just a couple of decades ago even that
even go ten years ago do you
think anybody in that’s a
just a regular you know
non lethal just
fight with everything
about throwing a knee
nobody would
nobody would
everybody was head hunters
but now i’ve seen youtube
fights where guys clinch
and throne that’s
strictly from
watching ufc oh yeah
strictly from just seeing it
going oh that
exists let me
bring that into my
repertoire yeah
yeah it seems like a move that anybody can do too
you know it’s not like a
giant flying head kick you know it seems pretty simple
i even grab the guy and you
throw your knee up and you hit him you know
it’s not like they’re complicated yeah
or and you already got a hold of them
yeah or even
dirty or clinching or
dirty by holding that and
stuff like that yeah a lot of that’s
going i watch a youtube
fight where this guy
have you seen the
break one when
the guy just says put me out it’s this kid
he’s got really baggy pants
he’s just telling this guy let’s go let’s go
he says put me out he go
yeah put me down
he’s like telling the guy to
knock him out okay but his hands are already
does the guy
knock him out yeah yeah it’s awesome
really they’re two really
skinny kids and then
he almost like
is it a is it a fight
no they’re on the
street one guy
saying or is it a fight
no it’s a fight
okay and one guy’s got like a
phone which
i have but it i took it off here
i have a video
when i was in
grand rapids
this guy was trying to
fight he fought a couple guy this guy has like a
sweater on puts his hand in his pocket
and starts walking over to him
grabs them right
spins around
throws in a rear naked
choke when he’s on top
so this guy obviously knows
some type of
fighting because he was way
too cocky you don’t put
you know so he’s got a rear naked
choke on the guy
jumps up in the air
and knocks out the guy’s leg so
you know wants to fall down with him
but he’s got his back he’s standing
the guy now who
had the rear
naked choking
falls to the
ground because he pulls the guy on top of him
smashes his head
onto the cement
cause they’re in the middle of the
street oh shit
now loses a
thing pretty much is knocked
unconscious and that guy rolls on top of them and just
starts wailing them
and i had it on my
phone up until
i was in the middle then a huge
fight broke out
and then i decide to put my phone away
um like why
would that guy
think the pull guard
you hear me
cause that’s also from
watching kind of ufc
where you go you know that i
would have just stayed
standing and would have
choked the guy out from standing
he just fucked up
yeah yeah it’s like
it was the craziest
thing i’ve ever seen i’m like wow that guy just
he did a duck
under you know so he goes to grab
ducks under
then throws in the
choke and the guy then jumps up
and pulls the guy
right on top there’s so
many street
fights now on
fucking cell
phone cameras
i love watching
i just like
watching him to see
what guys do in there
but the other one i saw this guy
throws a knee
and then the guy
like blocked the knee
you know put
kind of did that
little you know handout thing
but you know they didn’t know how to
fight john from
for the itunes listener
john was just moving his hands left and right what
cause he was like saying
he was taking his knee over here
oh for the itunes
there’s been
i’m trying this i
haven’t rolled or done anything in
forever but there was this guy on youtube that showed a
thing so he’s on his back
reaches up grabs the guy’s
head and arm you know and pulls them
close and then sweeps them
right i’m like oh that seems like a pretty cool sweep
to know with basic
i don’t know how practical it is
when you basically just reach up grab the guy’s head
pull him in and then
plant a foot and then it’s all good as long
as he doesn’t know what he’s doing
but i’ve just been running that in my head over and
over again this is what you
gotta do and then i need to do a
class go to a goddamn jiu jitsu class
this is what kung fu people do
they sit down and they go
well if i grabbed you like this
and then i got your arm right here and then i’ll
throw you on the ground
and then they’ll
practice doing that over and over again
well that’s not how you do it the way you do it is you
gotta try it on somebody
i remember if you
don’t try it on somebody you’ve got some nonsense move
that you don’t really know what’s
gonna happen if a guy defends
cause you have to learn
what about if the guy grabs me here oh if he grabs
me here i’m fucked okay so i have to stop him from
grabbing me here
and then i have to make sure that this leg
doesn’t get past this leg
cause if it does then i’m fucked
again i remember when we did that
tour together a couple years ago
the tate was with us and some
guy and some guy was saying
yeah you just do this and you
break the guy’s leg
and tate just goes off and goes really
how do you know
do you have a room full of
small chinese boys that you
break their legs in practice you’ve
never broken a leg that way have you ever seen anybody
who’s broke
it was so funny
how do you know how do you know that you don’t know
so don’t say it’s
gonna break that’s a really good
impression of
tate i know right
that’s really good that’s like the best
impression of
tate i’ve ever
heard it’s totally true
tate and i were in
i think i’ve told this
story before but i’ll tell it anyway
tate and i were in a
hotel in vegas
and some big douchebag
this guy was really and
tate is huge right
tate is like six foot three
he walks around like
235 and he’s got a shaved head
and you just look
yeah you just look at him
and you go that’s probably not the guy in there my man
he looks like a killer
right and he’s
a nice guy but you know but people will fuck with him
even though he’s this big it’s so
ridiculous this fucking kid
was like a frat boy he looked like he was
about like six foot six
handsome fella
drunk off his ass
right but he was being really really
aggressive and
he’s telling
tate that that wasn’t his room
tate was like
looking for his keys like that’s my room bro
why are you
going to my room
and tate was like looking
at this guy’s like no i’m pretty sure it’s my room
and he sticks the key and they like
tate was being really friendly
about it and the key works he goes up see it’s my room
so he goes in
take it easy and shuts the door
and once he gets inside
my room is right next to him
i hear bang bang
bang i hear
pounding on his door right so
we go out into the hallway
and the guy is
pounding on his door
and the guys like fucking pussy
fucking shut that door in my face
i told you that’s my fucking room
it was like craziness it was like oh no what is
gonna happen here
and tate was like oh yeah yeah big guy is that what’s
going on this is your fucking room huh
and the guys
like what you fuck up kick your fucking ass bitch
saying all this
crazy shit so
tate says come on man
come on take a
swing at me
and the guy like
doesn’t know what to do
doesn’t know
where to go
and so he moved there was a lot of john back and forth
before all that happens but i’m cut to the chase
the chase was the guy steps forward
tate leg kicks him
and then pulls
guard on the dude
so he’s got this guy on top of them
in in the lobby
and he’s got them in what’s called an
oma plata which is got him in the
shoulder lock position
and right when he gets him down he’s got him this
oma plata the security guys show up
stop hey stop stop the fight
are you that guy from fear factor
i go yeah yeah don’t
worry about this this guy’s not
gonna get hurt i go he’s
gonna be fine
he’s just gonna get choked
unconscious this guy’s an asshole
so then tate hears that he goes well i
guess i’m choking him
unconscious
so tate sinks a rear naked
choke on him and puts him totally asleep
doesn’t hit him
doesn’t hurt him
the guy doesn’t have a scratch on him
the guy’s face down in the carpet
unconscious
snoring his friends come grab him
apologize pick the guy up
put the guy in an elevator
the elevator door
closes and he goes out of our life forever
he just vanished by the way
thank god yeah well he was just so embarrassed
and he probably didn’t even know what the fuck happened
the guy was so
drunk and so
stupid yeah
this is my room he
never did anything to him
they did not hurt him
and he did not hurt him at all he just
incapacitated him
taught him a
quick lesson
and his friends were so happy
cause his friends
were like regular size dudes this guy was this
giant guy and this guy was a
giant douche
you know so in the
whole daily
probably had to deal with that you know nice
everybody wherever he goes what
the fuck you looking at bitch
he’s just one of those guys
and so he fucked with the wrong dude
i mean it’s like
karma just led him to take right
the universe but you know what we need to make a little
shift on how you view life
we’re gonna
drop you off at floor five
you’ve been
treating people like shit for
a long time
son we’re gonna throw something in your life that’s
gonna push you in a different direction
yeah he became a yoga teacher after that
really tried to find a center
fine you back with
the goggles yeah i like the goggles it’s a cool look
you know what i like
about goggles
when you you know i always wondered like i
watched al pacino get interviewed the other day
and he got interviewed
and he kept his sunglasses on the
whole interview he’s talking to larry king
like what kind of
nonsense is that i like it is it is it hot in the room
or is it bright in the
room or something like why do you have sunglasses on
and he was talking
about i was so shy he wears sunglasses
because he can’t even look people in the eyes like
is that it or do they like
it’s really easy to pretend
that you’re living in a
movie and that life is like some
crazy fucking
thing that you’ve
created when you’re looking through goggles
you know yeah
i like wearing
sunglasses all the time dude yeah i just i
never were i just
i like my eyes to be as
relaxed as possible at
nighttime indoors not at
nighttime indoors so much but hey you’re bonded by
doors huh you wear them indoors
like if i’m at a restaurant and it’s during the day
and it’s like bright in the restaurant i’ll wear it
once in a while i’ll wear mason what
if you’re having
a conversation with somebody you take them off
right if they’re wearing
glasses too
so you just
just go with it yeah
i don’t like i don’t like i don’t like squinting
i hate squinting
cause i squint on the computer all the time so
i like my i like to massage my eyes when i when i can
so it’s not a matter of looking cool
no not at all
no it’s relaxation of the eyes
you want your eyes to have some
shade on them right hmm
interesting yeah
like if i’m
at the olive garden i don’t want to see the decor
i don’t give a shit
about the paintings and
stuff like that hey
your family
when you eat at the olive garden family
do you eat at the olive garden fuck yeah when you
gotta eat there you gotta eat there bro
if it’s close and you’re hungry
it’s not a bad choice
are the breadsticks still good i
don’t even come
across the only problem with the
olive garden is is that lately their
salads are half the size that used to be so
they’ll still refill them all you want but they’re like
they take longer to get now and they’re half
the size so they’re trying to fill you up so you get
full faster so you won’t get more
salads they’re
trying to get you full by giving you less salad
yeah because
they’re giving you half as much
and so you eat it
and then you have to flag down the
waiter to get you another one
that’s a half one
you know so that’s one full regular old
school salad
that that took
twice as long to go through
and the whole time you’re sitting there getting full
is that a sign of the economy
brian that makes more
salads i believe
soup i can’t
believe this
is something that’s
troubling you so because
there’s an olive garden
fanatic you
could tell like nowadays wait a
minute wait a
minute wait a
minute you’re an
olive garden
fanatic fuck yeah i love the
olive garden
are you like one of
those fandango dudes it’s got like a little
i’m actually i just
i don’t care that much about the
olive garden
but i go there a lot but
you’ll notice
it if you go to the salad
yeah i do i’m a yup
elite but if you go to the salad
if you go to this if you look at the
salad it’s a lot
smaller now how do you become a
yup yup elite
you get chosen
what is yelp
elite yeah and hopefully i just had
to put in my application to become the 2011 yelp elite
but hopefully
they pass me so if you’re listening yelpers
what does that mean bro what are you doing they’re
going to stadium and it’s 12 guys look i get this other
badge that most people don’t have on yelp so
just check it out go to my profile and
tell me what’s
going on with yelp what do you yeah i don’t even
running around reviewing
things all day
no no once in a
while or review something you say how many reviews
do you have on your account not that many
i don’t do it that
much anymore because i’m so busy what’s not that many
50 here i’ll tell you hold on a hundred
yeah big enough to get a yelp
elite yeah what does that mean bro i
think you’re being very
sketchy with my yelp
status yelp
elite pretty much only means that
that your reviews get pushed up higher than the
other guys i
think being
modest brian
and that you
could have invited to yelp parties which is
a great time
yelp parties i have ninety five reviews
wow that’s a lot of reviews kid
but i’ve been doing it
since two thousand six or two thousand
seven or something damn
he just go into whatever restaurant
store just whatever it is and go
and the customer service were okay
yeah exactly i do it for
i’m a member of the
media have you
heard like bloggers calling themselves the media
that’s what it gets hilarious
right you know it was a
member of as a
member of the
media like whoa what
right but i
guess they are
right i mean what the fuck is the difference
i mean at a certain
point in time
we have to make some sort of a distinction because
every douchebag that has a website can’t be in the team
you know there’s some people that are
absolutely terrible at it like you have to like
if you were
a member of the
media a writer for say the new york times
they had standards
by the time
you got to the new york times you were a certain
caliber of journalist
but any asshole could just
start a fucking blog and
basically now it’s all the same thing
you have just
as much of a possibility of getting your shit seen yes
some really high traffic
thing if you
write something good and it’s
you know are
controversial or oh
one celebrity tweets it
you know and then everyone goes to the
media then then all of a
sudden they’re showing up at
places with cameras and it’s all
web fueled you know
so we live in a strange time man
look joe i reviewed the
hotel the day
after the fire at the
hotel in san
francisco yeah
the fire at the
cliff and then one night
that’s a terrible
hotel stay at
folks i mean
it’s a nice
hotel but if you’re
gonna stay there
and a fire breaks out
the fucking
hotel has these
staircases that are these tiny
single file
staircases they
were jammed up with people you know what i heard
when i was in san francisco
however many times ago i had
dinner with
tim ferriss you know a guy
wrote for our work week and he just a four hour body
and he was his buddy
wrote this book called emergency neil strauss i
think wrote emergency just about
how to live like born
identity guy
how to have
a couple passports because the problem is if
stuff goes down
and you can’t get out of your country
that’s all you know
so anyway he tells you to have
extra passports yeah this guy emergency
says that’s a good way to get arrested man they
catch you with
extra passports
well there’s
other countries
that will give you dual
citizenship
real if you invest so it’s legal
yeah yeah so but you have to invest in
their infrastructure so how much
i think in the book the guy was talking to guy
for like a hundred thousand dollars or something get
the fuck out of here get out of here
with a hundred thousand
dollars give us some wack ass little fucking third
world country
you get the email
yeah what are you doing bro you giving us
money in nigeria
yeah so then you get
fuck out of here then you
grant what the
fuck you doing
come on john
but he said the guy
now i could
he asked what how many
fire trucks you
think is there
to protect the entire city of san francisco
and i was i said i don’t know probably hundred
it was i believe less than 20 total whoa
now that i say these words but
i could be wrong but it’s something like that
where you would
think there’s no there’s hundreds for the entire
city of no there’s literally
big rigs that can shoot water
like 20 of them so if anything really happened in a
city like that
the thing is
it’s gonna go
well we were at the
hotel how to survive like born
we were at the
hotel and the fire
broke out supposedly
at 4 30 in the morning but it wasn’t really a fire
was just some assholes that blew off fire extinguishers
but it looked
like a fire but it looked like a fire there was
smoke because of the extinguishers
like on this
like it looks like smoke
and it’s flooded
you know through the hallways and we were
going down this little single file
staircase at four
thirty in the morning why people just
shuffled on the
staircase it was maddening everyone was
going so fucking slow
it was really
scary man it was
i saw somebody
hit their head
and the stairs
going down and at one
point like me and joe both
felt like we were just gonna
start beating up the people in
front of us
no more no more
hotels that are from the 1700s no they didn’t kiss my
eyes first floor
second floor
now i’m like
first floor second
floor that’s all i want
well it’s just
those old ass hotels man
that’s your staircase
i mean it was so
small i literally
had a hard time
getting through it
me i have one person had a hard time getting through it
it’s like a
skinny ass staircase and there was fat people
and old people and
tired people and
people in poor health
and they were all just clogging up the stairs
you know you
really when you see a person during the day
you see a person that’s all warmed up
you know they’ve had coffee
and they’re
moving you know i’m saying they got up a couple of
hours ago and had breakfast and there
you know walked out to the brisk
you know cold air before they got into
the building
where you meet them but when you see them boom
right after they wake up
and they’re all disoriented and
their slowness
might get you burned to death
yeah that’s a fucking trip man
you always wonder
about that when you’re on a
plane or you
have to sit in the exit row and you’re like okay i’ll
open this if i have to
where these
150 people act
civilize and stuff
and then i always
think no i’m like there’s no way
but then you hear
about stuff like the
plane landed in the hudson
where everyone just
orderly you know they got
150 people out
i don’t know that’s just such
a crazy well that was a
safety landing
that landing was almost like they
landed on the ground it was just they were on the water
you know it almost seemed like
it made sense
but i hear you yeah like you
never know like what people just you know
climb over the weak
in the slow just to save
or is it ordered
i don’t know it
depends on the situation
it depends on
how dire the
circumstances are and it depends on i mean look at
black friday or whatever it’s called and you see people
trampling over each
other to get into a store
so they’re on a
southwest flight chances are you’re
gonna get trampled right
yeah yeah so they’re deep
blue you’re good to go
yeah if you’re on virgin
you’re probably
gonna be okay everyone’s
gonna be cool
with you yeah
have you flown many virgins no i
heard it’s awesome though yeah
have you no i
haven’t fun
any of them john heffron you’re a
world traveler huh
you’re actually
not not around the
world but i mean it around the country you’re
every weekend
stand up yeah
it’s a lot of fucking
last i don’t like
planes anymore man last
yeah last year was
forty something weeks or something
and then i have this week off and then
june first is my
first weekend
that you lost
off starting next week
when i leave god you just out
every weekend yeah
how do you do that it’s
used to be easier
but now i to be honest then
now i occupy
my time with so much
other little projects
during the day
that that’s what gives me you know like dancing
i dance i do my ribbon
thing i’m in my
knife fighting and cane
fighting class
stars do you take
classes and shit when you go on the road
like if you go on the road are you
wednesday through
sunday guy like how do you do the road
wednesday through yeah
yeah wednesday through
sunday and so you wednesday
travel day you just home
monday tuesday and then bam
you’re out on the road on wednesday yeah sometimes a
thursday you know
leave on thursday does your wife meet you
places do you like try to set it up
where you see each
other more than two days a week no
well i mean we used to
but now she’s got a job so no you know we see each
other wow but you like asking
classes like when i was in atlanta
there’s a boxing gym by my
hotel so i would go
in there and then work with that guy for a couple days
do you ever
go to a boxing gym and they try to set you up
and want some dude to
spar with you
i won’t be honest
have they ever
asked you though i have before
and i’ve gotten beat up
you know then you’re on
stage you going somebody
beat you up not beat up but you know
other guys sixty percent
might be different than my
sixty percent
right and it’s a funnier
story if some guy knows who i am
and knocks me out
then then going
sixty percent that’s a boring
story right
so yeah it’s hard to
trust people i don’t when you’re sparring
me unless you find
you know didn’t you have a problem
with krav maga
class a couple times
you know when you’re sparring and i’m really i
pride myself in
going if we’re
gonna go 50 we’re
gonna go 50
i don’t have an ego
i don’t need to go 65 and
prove anything to you we’re both here to
learn and blah blah blah
but there’s a couple times where
i haven’t been i just i
still get even mad
thinking about
kicking forty
fifty percent
a five year old
could probably
catch that kick
right when you
literally are just
going more of the
motion to maybe step in the guy
catches my foot and then
straight just you know
just how hard you
punch you in the face
enough why sell stars and fell to the ground
do you think you hit
you a hundred percent
he pretty hard not not a hundred
but it was no
it’s tricky right there was no martial arts
classes are
tricky you got to make sure the people you
training with you
trust them you know
that’s where when you when you’re
striking things get
weird when you you know kicking and punching
yeah because you know you really can’t do it full
blast every day so you got assume that the guys gonna
be willing to work with you and you know we’re just
gonna kind of tag each
other so we can work on our timing
yeah that’s why i like doing like
if i go to a
place like that i’ll do a lot of just bag work or
mitt work and bounce around
where there’s really
except for the mids
maybe slapping yet
that’s equally as
i just wanted
to do it to give me something to do and get my
heart rate up so i don’t really are
you taking guys on the road with you
used to and then the last couple of
months i haven’t
cause they’ve all
kinda kinda
gotten not famous but then they
kinda move on and they’re like i don’t feel like
which is to me is
you know you
gotta get slackers
get people who just
don’t want to get
famous and yeah
yeah they’re not
gonna go on the road on
their own it’s just too hard
yeah it’s funny
cause i used to
know i think
starting next year i’m
gonna find some guys but i’m
gonna have some rules
yeah yeah i know that
sounds dumb but i did a show
where it was me and brewer
it was both of us
pretty amazing show cuz i’m high
level and he’s even
even higher
level but i did
i didn’t do more in 20 minutes in
front of them
you know and then he would
but during that 20 minutes i’m like wow that
feature spot you you don’t have time for anything and
there’s no time to talk to people in the
crowd twenty minutes is very
quick yeah so then now when
i see guys opening for me having conversations with the
crowds i’m like
how do you have the time stop that
yeah do twenty minutes of non stop
material and then get off the
stage don’t have a
i don’t know how so now i got yeah
but sometimes when you’re opening though sometimes like
talking to the
crowd just a little bit here and there it kinda like
brings everybody to i’m talking no i’m talking feature
i’m not talking mc
so just the
feature that spot
you should just go up and rip just be
yeah you know i
think but then i always find guys that sit on the
stool and these
start they they
everybody’s got their own
thing though man
right but for me
you know in
front of me
those guys so i
gotta i gotta find
yeah i gotta find
gotta find the
right guy that’s
funny that you monitor what they do
why don’t monitor and say
anything but it bothers you when they sit on the stool
but that’s 40 some weeks a year and that’s
where that kicks in
where then now you just find little
things to bitch
about it’s funny
where you go to you go
the same guy you go with the same guy 40 weeks in a row
um i used to
that’ll drive you
crazy yeah i
think that’s what i
gotta do is fine
you start telling
them what to do with his act like don’t sit on the
stool don’t
never say anything
no i don’t you say you got rules you say you got rules
well now if i have a new guy opening for me i
would kind of
find a guy you know
you go okay like his
yeah i like his
style so you
treat it as if he’s an employee
the only thing i don’t
like dudes doing is
what it gets
tricky it gets
tricky if you
bring a guy with you and then he
starts talking
about the shit that you talk about
before you talk about it
then you’re like hey man you know i already talked
about that like why are you talking
about that when you
bring me up you know that’s weird
yeah yeah you know or it’s
funny is your
work with guys let’s say that are just there
and as the week goes i noticed this they’ll
start doing more and more
yeah similarly
touching not even doing
it but just dusting it enough for you’re like really
you haven’t
watched what i’ve done
who do that on purpose you know they do that on purpose
just stepping on your materials what they’re doing
they’re stepping
in your area and they’re doing it on purpose
just to so that when you
bring it up
there’s not the initial recognition of yeah
yeah like they’ve already heard this
20 minutes ago
you know they’ve
heard this subject breached
20 minutes ago even briefly
it just takes some of the wind out of the sails a bit
i worked with a guy
heard him talking to his friend on the
phone and he
never saw me do
stand up he’s like
he’s in the
green room and he’s like
yeah this guy’s
gonna have a good hard time following me this week
you heard him say that yeah
he’s bragging a
and he walked in
and he saw that i
heard i’m like
yeah dude i hope you rock it that’ll be
great you can’t
really dude
with your you know
guys in pink like to hunt men like you’re
gonna do gauge
it’s hilarious
who is this guy man
call him out and then you
fuck i know
i don’t remember i
bring joey diaz
on the road
with me whenever i can joey
should be a headliner but he’s just too
crazy to go on the road by himself
just can’t just trust joey
he won’t show up
you know well i
think back in the day when you
first started doing
comedy if a guy
crushes in front of you
for me because you’d be insecure you’d go oh the guy
crushed what am i gonna do
but then you
reach an age
in a confidence
level you go
that’s awesome yeah i’m not
gonna ride that same way
well you are capable of
be enjoying it
unfortunately for some people guys are
going before him it’s like a competition yeah
you know and they’re not
enjoying it instead of like
watching that
the act and having fun and being inspired they’re not
enjoying and you can
see shows were like if you were see you and joey and in
anyone else
when the comics like each
other the show
is better because there’s a cooler vibe
i’ve done shows
where it’s mc
hasn’t talked to me
feature guy was just being friendly and me
and then i get on
stage almost like
i’m by myself this entire week yes let’s hear it for
those guy like and i
there’s no connection
yeah and there’s no opposed to
if your friends you can be like
this is when you try to
bring a guy in like you like
you try to pal around with them but you realize like
this is a one way
street this guy’s a douchebag
like fuck i’m working with a douchebag
yeah you know
it’s always tricky man
going on the road that was the number one
thing that i hated the most
so you never knew who you’re
gonna work with
you could be
working with some dude with a real negative energy
and i work with dudes that get super
drunk and just wanna
falling down and making
asses out of themselves and the next
night you gonna hang out with them
again you like
hey man you guys
wanna go to that bar
um no i don’t
wanna go to a bar with you you
crazy alcoholic fuck
right and then
you know now i no longer have a friend for the week
yeah i worked with the guy recently who
or even worse is the guy who used to drink
and looks down at you
want a shot no
i don’t drink
i don’t look
down at people
i never look down
brian fuck you man i don’t look down at people
i don’t drink yeah
i’ve seen drunk john hefferon
i’ve seen sober john hefferon i welcome sober john
hefferon i’m
drunk john hefferon it’s really
better for all of us john the
phone’s breaking up i can’t here but
i just hang up
he’s not gonna remember this conversation anyway yeah
the guy the john heffern
does the drink way better
yeah way more
productive way
funnier way
john the old john heffern
was easier yeah
what do you
mean to get in the bed yeah brian
brian’s got plans
what was i gonna ask you you got one of those
silly hologram bracelets on you really
think that thing’s helping you
i know but i’d like to wear it though
i like something she looks like an athlete
yeah it’s kind of cool it’s like a moderate
what is it it’s
like those live
strong bracelets
yeah i used to have
one for this q link that was supposed to do the same
stuff years and years ago but that was really expensive
this i got free in like a golf bag or something
it’s supposed to be something that’s
supposed to balance you it’s all nonsense complete
total nonsense
it cannot not be nonsense but
with the placebo
effect people like take
those things and have a look
they have all sorts of like benefits
their back feels
great all of a
sudden their injuries go away
and then if they deal with the
placebo and it works then it works
but it’s kinda the
placebo effect is some real
shit i don’t know why but it’s some real shit you know
yeah you just tell
yourself and you go okay it’s all connected to even the
placebo effect is very much like when you’re on
stage and you know
things are funny
you know how you got that feeling when you know
things are funny and you just kind of like
trust in it and it just goes to this
yeah sort of
magical place
where it just comes out
i think the
placebo effect is the same
thing it’s like you know this is
gonna heal you you know this is
gonna make you better and boo
it just lights up all
those parts of your
brain you just have to
truly believe in it
and if you do you’re an
idiot look it’s a rubber band with a rubber band
with the sticker that
would be on
underneath your baseball hat if you bought it
right exactly
a little hologram
or your baseball cards it shows that it’s a real
upper deck it’s goddamn ridiculous
it’s kind of so how long do you
think you can keep this up this
traveling on the road
forty weeks a year because that
could kill him
what are you running from
he’s running to what’s good you’re
successful you know
he’s a sign it’s so funny
i keep joking with people
telling people i’m gonna
start a mailing this for when i’m
about sixty five in branson
missouri i’m
gonna do a 1 p
m show jakob
smirnoff special
yeah but it’s a
religion we’re
gonna be 65 70 at that
point you know who cares
but i do have a
thing i told myself and i’m putting plans together
where i’m gonna retire
when i’m 50
yeah just done
really and only working for when i want to
because i’ll
still be relevant and
you know there’s no right time
but that’s my goal you
could always just
work around la
and work wherever you want
or whatever
whatever who
stand up whenever
you feel what happens 10 years from now but i’m
going to keep running for
the next 10 years i wanted to talk to you about this
while we have
you on the podcast now i’m just remembering
you were the one that has been doing
these crazy
cyber conference shows
and we’ve actually talked
about you on the show before
about you’ve done these
corporate gigs explain explain exactly how it goes
yeah i brought
a tape of it but we can’t play it what it is it’s with
cisco’s telepresence
and you go into
a room just a conference room you sit down at a table
and then across from you is
maybe three big
screen tvs maybe
about 68 inches each 68
sixty eight inch
screen maybe each one
each one wow okay so then
on one of the
screens was boston
the one in the middle was new york the
other one washington dc
in each screen
imagine thirty
forty people sitting
in each screen so that little squares like webcams
no just oh a group
yes just like a
group like an audience it looks like a window
it looks like a window no it
doesn’t look like a webcam at all it looks
like so the
screen is filled with an audience
so you have
a big sliding
glass door if we were to set up
chairs and then
brian gets on the other side
of the window
that’s exactly what it looks like
you’re to scale
everything’s to
scale so you’re not looking at little guys
you’re and then how you sit in the table
because then
their table does the same it looks like it’s one big
round connected table
dude someone
should set up
cyber comedy clubs
well that’s
so i was the friend
i i wish i had
you don’t have to show video but
this is more
people are listening to this on itunes than anything
what so explain
your house no
this one was
i’ve done it at a couple hotels
it’s one of the big chains
hiltons or something has this
right this technology and then
their hopes is now
you have a business meeting
in new york you live in los angeles you’re not flying
you go into
their hotel sitting there
i can look across from you
this is all
this is a whole
chain like all the hiltons
it’s it’s i don’t know if it’s the hiltons i forgot
that was in a
cliff hotel
yeah but so that’s
their thing so i’ve done it now
with cisco a
bunch of times
like three or four of them
now are these squeaky
clean gigs do you have to be
squeaky clean
yeah and what it happens is in each room is people who
wanna buy this
technology so it’s the owners of
these companies that spend
twenty five million
fifty million
right so imagine
those type of guys okay so you’re doing
stand up to them
so then you sit down are you doing
stand up or are you i do my presentation
no i do my act so i sit down
and then you have the
cisco person here
going you know
for a meeting
cause maybe they
watch a presentation
about the system
but the done then i get an
intro almost like
like an mc would
and then you kind of go off into it wow
and how i look at is you know how when you do morning
radio you show up it’s just the dj and
maybe a news girl
right you have
it’s the same you have to tweak your
brain you know how when you get there you kind
of performance mode
but you see all the people sitting there looking at you
so then you see them and then you could go
in whatever
room is the loudest
that’s what you see so it
knows if somebody’s talking
so let’s say boston was
laughing really hard
ta da and then they
quiet down and all of a
sudden new york
would pop up
you know cause somebody talked or
or did something you
only looking at one
screen well it
would change constantly
well that’s
annoying why
wouldn’t it just be the same
screen over and over
again it does
it picks up whoever’s talking so then that way the
focus can be on that person talking can’t they have it
static i would
say that you
would want to see the audience and they
would just want to see you if you
could just have
that stat what if you fall in love with somebody
tell me brian please
piano music
am i done in san francisco
so yeah so you do it
and then you would look across from you
know hey guy in the nasa suit
and then so that’s what i
would have to do is you’d have to
bring in people
you know so they feel connected
and then you just do your stuff
but could they do it static
where they just see you all the time and then you yeah
because it laid on that
piano motherfucker this isn’t even sad anymore it
could be a sad
if you wanted to be okay what do you want to talk about
so have you ever fallen in love dude
talking about sad
things i think
some of the saddest
things is so are
these people like hd though like i mean like
really really good it looks
like you’re looking through a window and the person
right there
that’s the only
and their faces just kind of come
on like there was a room you in that you’re in like
pitch black so you just see like
these faces are
these bodies come in
front of you
it no it’s so
you have three
screens but each
screen does not have an individual
video on it they all have
they all have the same
thing it does
weird but i’m
sure there’s adjustments but sometimes all three
screens will be one city
and then other times it
would split and i don’t know
it’s all voice
activated so i don’t know
and that would be distracting
i think if they
could keep it
static so that you
could just get into your head and do your material i
think it could be very much like an audience
i think that’s a real possibility
a cyber comedy club
where a comic
would perform in a
studio in la
or wherever the hell they are in new york
and people would come you know like hey we’re
gonna do austin
texas and ohio
and you’re in the room
with you like what’s up what’s up how’s everybody doing
and it’s like
wow we really are in a room together like that
was dope last
couple weeks ago i did a thing for
cisco at their
place and then i went downtown to some
steak place
right by the staples center
to this is a
great idea for a tv show man
so i’m so doing what you’re saying
i was now i’m in a
steakhouse downtown
they have a conference room
there’s a i’m sitting at this
table almost like the last supper
table with people
all on my right and left
uh screen and tv in
front of me
i’m looking at
another steakhouse
that was in tempe arizona
full of a hundred people all sitting at tables
just like uh you know like you’re at a restaurant
they’re watching me on tv
i’m doing my stuff
in that hundred people in that room are
laughing so i would like
and i would
literally do
crowd work i’d go
yeah lady in the
white sweater on the second
table from the
what’s your name and she
would shout
sarah hey sarah
what was the last argument you got in with your husband
and that she
would have a
thing and i
would talk and then that room
would laugh it’s a really
it’s kind of
crazy that’s pretty interesting man
so you can do it and
people are like yeah the people in the room
wouldn’t be
into it yeah
because so imagine
watching your comedy central special what said again
like a lot of people go
cisco was wearing that had some other
trainers that wanted to buy the
technology they were saying
how can you engage
or build rapport
with a hundred people that are in
a different city
not with you
that was a weird
thing that like is a
comic gonna work
but it works because
just like you’re
watching comedy central and you’re
watching someone special you’re laughing
now imagine if that guy
could look out at you
and go hey yeah you almost beat
and have a conversation with you so it really adds this
whole why would they
think it wouldn’t
work look as long as you can interact with the people
you can interact with them it’s
gonna be a weird
thing a cyber comedy club is a very
very interesting idea that
technology that they have a home version of that
look at me now
but you know what i’m saying like you
wouldn’t have to
travel so much
you know if
you had a cyber comedy club you
could have people come to
see you all over the country they organized the shows
you know and have it
be cheap like a
movie ticket
instead of like a comedy club ticket
where it’s a live show and you
gotta justify the airfare
and all the shit to get the guy to the club this way
it’s just in a
studio somewhere you cut out a lot of the expenses out
it’s cheaper
and the people go and
it’s a real show it’s like they’re interacting
you know and
you know and
especially for me when i do question and answer shit
question and answer shit
like you could see that it was really happening
right there and then and i don’t know how many
cities you can let’s say you do it at the hotel
where it’s set up if there’s i don’t know what the
limit is but you could have
like yeah 10
satellite cities and i don’t know what the
technology were
like one you had like five cities
going on the same time
but you had one country audience
they’re just
heckling and being douchey just mute them
you just i put you on ignore
kansas city
you just got on ignore
bitch yeah you
should probably
have a moderator you’d have a club owner
which is just you know somebody sitting there
muting people that are getting out of control yeah they
mute the audience but the feed
still comes through you know
watch it says cisco’s a
eight billion trillion dollar company and i gave them
a legitimate
thing when you’re done with
those it’s a
weird thing you go okay well
we’re done and you know how when you’re done
with something you’re used to shaking a hand or pat or
there’s a okay we’re done
well they don’t
have anything and i told him they need a
virtual fist pump or
when like okay
later i hit a button then a fist just
comes to your
screen and then we do uh
you watch okay this
right now i’m
gonna show i will
i will be willing
to bet they will
add there is
gonna be a virtual
handshake money
maybe a virtual handshake you or fist bump
i guarantee you it’s gonna
be a virtual
it will a business fist bump in the
world of human resources it’s not
gonna exist
i bet you they’re not concurred they’re just
gonna watch just tell
you people are seeing behavior
with secret handshakes and fist bumps and shit there’s
gonna be some type of thing
well maybe like a
green light a nice
green light like a palm
i invented two
things a green
light palm that shows up on the
screen watch and i’m
gonna say this and then
the idea is
gonna be there
all the business guys
take off their jackets
you know they have the
shirt and ties and they
throw them over the back of
their chairs
i’m gonna invent
suit jackets that aren’t real once they just
cover the back of your chair
so you see that as a
piece of your suit
but you don’t have to wear the jacket what the fuck is
wrong with you you got a
brilliant idea
that’s a brilliant idea you’re talking about
fake jackets are
never a good idea john heffron
never they’re
gonna go in the back
of the conference by
yourself too long virtual
fist pump no
you think jack
bro that are
gonna go on the back of because here’s the
thing when you do
those you don’t have to wear
dress pants
because they can’t they’re like newscasters
so the new look you can go
board shorts flip flops
maybe a nice
shirt with the tie
fake jacket
cover over the
thing you look
like you’re wearing a suit you got problem telling you
brain doctor you guys are nasa
that’s in the beginning show
brain doctor you need to go see one telling you
you’re gonna you’re
gonna we’re
gonna see it you’re on
for short there john heffron
i’ll be willing to bet you an insane amount of money
that fake jackets that you put on the back of your city
will never catch on
okay cause it will
exist cause i’ll create them okay
they will exist and they will be a
money pit of disastrous
proportions okay
i need a seamstress
i need somebody to
direct message me i need a seamstress
what is it like dealing with
those people in that
world and doing like
squeaky clean comedy
only and not being able to take any chances up there
or go into any
weird directions what is that like
i’ve always done
that type of comedy so it’s not weird
you do you your comedy has a
i mean i’m adult but i’m not
you know i don’t get ever
supergra i i’m i believe you can
turn a clean bit
dirty just by
things than vice versa
but yet you are one of the
most perverted people i’ve ever met in my life that’s
great it’s perfect
plus i think it’s
weird when you have jobs that
then affect you like when i used to do morning
radio with bon aducci
you’re on a soccer mom bonadouche
station hey
you had none
you guys were on a soccer mom station yeah we were like
well danny tried to get in a
fight at a matchbox
20 concert oh so that
shows you what kind
hanson you tried matchbox
in a fight at a
matchbox it was the
great he took off his
shirt and was gonna
fight the entire road jj
at pine op why
would the shirt off because in the bathroom
i think this is back when
danny partied i think
danny met up with a listener
and he disappeared oh
whatever happened so he came back in an altered cocaine
no he was never that type of guy liquor
um no i think we were some and
he’s talk about this
story so i’m not
thinking but it was
that date rape drug whatever
thing he did
ghb yeah yeah
yeah so yeah
but danny’s scar
tissue he’d
admit all the
stuff i don’t know how that got but
so then he came out
crazy did you say
danny is scar tissue
his whole body is or there’s no way you can be
alive with all the
stuff that he’s done
really there’s no way
you have to be totally
embalmed what did they do that with frogs so
the body’s preserved
yeah formaldehyde
yeah his butt that’s his entire body really
oh yeah he’s a zombie you camp he’s not
alive what’s
wrong with him
he’s just done so much
stuff to his body what was it like
working with that guy how long did you work with him
never kiss him
five years five years on the radio
every morning
shut up every
fifteen in the morning in michigan
which means that’s when i
scraped off the ice on my
thing drove
forty five minutes how many
months here is it snowing like that
in michigan it
start december and go to like
may june yeah i mean it’s so
that’s a long you know
driving june
seven months
not not but
april yeah half the year
half the year
it’s cold and crappy yeah
okay so cold and crappy you get up
three thirty in the morning you doing
stand up at
night still
yeah around town
but it was awesome
cause i would sell out
stuff right i mean there were some benefits i wasn’t
of course and i was 25 26 why
would you ever want to sleep
right so then you go i
would do like
radio bar appearances
you know like i was that guy
movie premiers but you got paid a lot of money
how crazy was
danny beyond
crazy because the thing with
danny is you never knew
which guy you were
gonna get you can
have a guy that you work with that’s a consistent ass
but at least then you know how to tiptoe
other times
daniel be the coolest
human being you’ve ever met
and then you come in the next day
and you go he’s
gonna literally slit my throat
the only advantage that
i mean they did not we’re really good friends and at
first he he hated me
he wanted to hate you um
well i never did
radio before i met him
i was just a
comic around town
and i didn’t know how to talk with that person it’s
try having a conversation with me it’s tough
so imagine being a 22 year old kid not
you know david like
and i was like yeah but
one time i you know i just didn’t have
my rhythm i
just didn’t know so he hated you because you all
hated me hated working with you
hated just yeah
yeah he didn’t
want to work with you didn’t want to know wanted me
fired i just
moved back from los angeles
so i moved to from detroit to los angeles
and then got that job and move back to detroit
and then got
fired maybe
three or four weeks later
and then did he get you fired
yeah he got me
fired and then
we went to chicago together it was odd for some
weird thing
and then we had
he didn’t suddenly like me
and then then i was on the show
you know what
what are you talking
about we did a
radio show together and for some reason
why we were doing it in chicago something clicked
where he’s like oh i get you now have friend okay
and then it
was okay so i’m so confused
you started off together in michigan
you did a radio show he
got you fired and got
me fired and
then they were
gonna give me
you know how
did you go to chicago what is this chicago trip
about i got
fired on a friday
and we were
gonna go to chicago on
monday to do
a hit this loop the loop in chicago okay so
we do it as a permanent gig
well they would
be anything was hey i can’t believe they did that
you know why don’t you come to chicago will do the show
monday so i’ll put you up i didn’t know can just
still confuses he’s
still doing the show in michigan
and he does a show
exactly yes
he would do morning shows in detroit
afternoon in chicago so he
would get on a
southwest flight
wait a minute he did a show
every day in two markets yes
oh my god we get on the
southwest flight and fly from detroit to chicago
do the thing
and then get on another flight fly back holy shit yeah
every day yeah he did that for a couple
months and then
you know then he figured out
technology but keep you know
where they can is
the end it where he would
do it anything but he was doing that
every day that is insane yeah
yeah how long is the flight
30 minutes 20 minutes 40 yeah
so it’s like in
vegas like flying to
vegas yeah and he
would do it
every day back and forth
and then do his
radio show holy
shit good afternoon
in chicago yeah you
gotta give the
guy credit for that no wonder why he was on drugs
so he got me
on drugs to do that so i was
fired but he didn’t tell me that
it was he was like i can’t believe they did that that’s
like so he didn’t i didn’t tell you that he got fired
so it goes why
don’t you just come to chicago this weekend we’ll
party that just sucks have friend but you know well
so he’s kind of like probably felt guilty i’ll let you
party in chicago with me
and then you’re gone for a life okay
did the show with him on that
monday and he’s like you know what i’m
gonna make a call like we had
cause he never listen to me
like you know
me like was a problem on the show if you
would just listen to me he knows
so anyway long story
short i came back and
like yeah you know we won’t fire you but we’ll give you
you got to take a pay cut
cause i was making
if you know keep in mind of
twenty three
twenty four
morning radio in detroit
making a hundred
fifty thousand dollars wow
i mean that’s like a million dollars to a
twenty three
twenty four
you was this because
why were they giving you a pay cut what are they doing
you know because i was i had no
management or anything and they’re a huge
corporation they’re like you get the gig in the
first place
this huge radio guy dick pertin
in detroit was leaving the
radio station
and he suggested to that management you need to
bring this heifrin kid in
keep in mind i’m just out of college
you know so then they go
and you know dick
knows your most
stand up comedian yeah and i was on a show
and he was probably the most famous
radio guy in detroit
so they hired
me just because of that and put me with dan
wow but danny
how crazy danny is
so danny’s the guy who and i’ve told
well anyway
he’s the one who got me into
fighting yeah um
he was really in the boxing and
stuff so then what he did was he
i came to the
radio station and he had like headgear cups
boxing you know
gloves it says
you know i’m friends with jackie callan
we’re gonna go to her place
and we’re gonna
i want you to
learn the box so i have somebody to
spar with so he bought me all my equipments
he bought me all my
equipment got me
crazy coaches
because have friend i’m
gonna take i’m
gonna teach you how to box so i have somebody to
and we’re gonna spar
every day from
from twelve to
twelve to three
that’s ridiculous
so long time to get good at boxing can’t just
start sparring someone’s been doing it forever well
yeah so i so i got the
stuff and then um
then me and
danny fought
and i would
never been more afraid of my entire life
like there’s a
thing about
fighting you can be a really good you go to
class you anything
but you have to have that
thing in you that makes you want to kill people
which i’ve never had
i enjoy fighting and i
learn learning
stuff but i don’t have that
there’s that
thing dan is a complete psycho
he completely has that thing
and will kill you
and that’s when
that shortly
after that’s when he gave me a concussion
hit me right in the back of the head
um two people
punching on you dude yeah i know
that’s right
danny bonneucci
so that’s when we
so he hit me in the back of the head i went home
the girl was dating at the time comes to my
apartment and goes why did you buy vcr
on my kitchen
table from best
buy out of vcr i’m like i didn’t buy vcr
she said yeah
whose is that ago
i don’t know looked
saw that the
credit card receipt was my signature but this was
weird this was
in the nineties when people bought dvd players
so i actually went backwards in technology
don’t remember buying the vcr
she took me to the hospital
and then the guy did the
stand up on one foot thing
and i fell over and he’s like what’s the matter so then
you know i had a
really weird
douchy knocked you backwards in a technological
program with
with the punch he
knocked you back to the v
and then after that he
became your friends
why wasn’t there
anyone around to stop you from boxing him
i had no guidance
that’s so sad
i had no guy i wish i
could have been your friend
no john i had no guy don’t do it john
we need you here on earth
we need you for your
brain we need you to be
funny we can’t have
but after that
danny you know
like me and
stuff like that so let him
punch you and fire you and he’s the best guy ever
yeah you just
gotta go with a bit of a
gauntlet and then what is he doing now
is he got a show on philly or something he’s
about to get
married he’s
about to get married
again who’s he married
i don’t know
how do you know this
i know somebody that knows
somebody who knows somebody
is marrying him yeah
really oh oh
tell me more very interesting
yeah he was
fascinating yeah
interesting guy
yeah to get a
fight at a matchbox
twenty concert you really having to work cause that
crowd is not necessarily violent
ozfest yeah
matchbox twenty it’s
guys being forced to take
their girls you
never know man some emo
dudes get really pissed when they see the
chick with another dude and they realize all
their crying isn’t working
sometimes they turn like
temper tantrumish right yeah
well john heffron
where are you next buddy
tell people
where they can
catch you sounds
well john heffron com
right yeah two fs w
john h e f f r o n
dot com and
your twitter schedule
and your twitter is at john heffron
yeah and john and i met a long time ago we was doing
maxim comedy tour you me and
charlie murphy and we’ve been pals ever
since that was a fun tour
yeah it was
it was a financial disaster
for bud light and
all the people put it together they did the guy was a
promoter did
like no advertising we just kind of showed up
everywhere yeah
he never did any
radio he didn’t do anything nothing
and then you
would expect to sell out a
you know seven thousand like you
okay every show you’ve ever done
when you go in a city sells out
especially for me at that time even though four years
later i was selling out like crazy
but then so you
would think
and it just shows
nobody knew about it
nobody knew
about it was a mess
yeah even my own fans that know
about it and i didn’t promote it very well on my own
shit on my website and
everything i thought they had it
taken care of i didn’t think you
think that you’re
like finally there’s a tour with a lot of
money behind it they’re
gonna put posters
and they’re
gonna do some
stuff i didn’t get it the whole
selling you know
that promotion is actually a part of the job i
never thought of it that way
i just thought
a little take
care of itself someone will take care of it
they don’t take care of it if you don’t
let people know
about it they actually get
upset like what
the fuck dude i didn’t even know you had a show
yeah yeah yeah i
started concentrating more on my message
board and on my
not my message but
rather my mailing list and twitter and all that shit
after that yeah
you know it’s not when someone
else puts it together it’s not fun but it was a fun gig
you know yeah
we had a good time and i
would love to do some more gigs like that with you we
should do some some big
travel yeah
yeah points
where you just
have to our acts are so different you know
we should do some some big gigs together you know
where we you know
we made it make our fans meet
i was thought of
yeah i was thought of a cool thing
where you would
you know how they have all
these four leases
places in every city you go to just you can go to any
mall or strip mall
there’s buildings
where you just see the
power of the internet and go
we’re in this city
we’re doing
it at the corner of this you know rent out one of those
places for the day
right but not a normal comedy place like
a restaurant that went out of business
right and you set up a
sound system and then you go we’re
gonna show up and then you
blast it to
your network and see how many people show up in that
one area that’s an interesting idea if you knew the
venue in advance you know it was yeah you’d have to
pre and then you’d have to go and just see
it’d be kind of like a workspace comedy show yeah
i don’t know what is
the shit by
the way and i
should mention this
what is the shit and we will be doing it soon
is kevin smith’s mod castle in la
it is the shit
i did tom green’s podcast from there
he does a live
podcast with an audience it’s fucking fun as shit
it’s like half
stand up comedy
half audience like
we gotta do one there with joey
it’s it’s incredible
what does he call it podcastal
smith smogcast
smith podcast and it’s just like almost like a
studio for people
do podcasts like you know what it’s like
it’s like one of
those little tiny theaters
where they teach acting classes
right that’s what it looks like it’s like one of
those really
small theaters
seats maybe
fifty people
and they have a stage
the microphone set up
and you just give the dude an
sd card he slaps it in the end of it’s over
they sell tickets
to get in the tickets pay for renting the
place oh that’s
twenty bucks
twenty bucks it’s
such an old
school way if you
think of that what’s that guy
kemp wobble
gone that old
school radio
garrison keeler
yeah no but but you’re
thinking you’re doing a live show in
front of live people that’s so old
school the way that they use
jimmy pardo’s got a podcast and they did a live show
where they had people in the audience and it was just
webcam for 20 it was really i did corolla’s podcast
live it was it was odd
cause corolla had it almost like a radio show
you know one guy
these guys would go up for 15 minutes and the next guys
would go up for 15 minutes
you know i think
you know and then you
almost felt like i was doing
stand up it was like real
i was doing
stand up on
stage with him you know we were just
riffing and talking
about shit it
was very strange
i think the way we do it it
would be more interesting
like the way we do it
where it’s you know
the whole podcast is just some long run on conversation
someone who’s interesting
and you just keep having
guests come in yeah yeah new
guests and you go to the
crowd too you know you let the
crowd ask questions give them a
microphone you know tom
green went out to the
crowd and then
you know the
crowd gets to
throw questions at you and talk to you who’s
gonna win that fight joe
who are gonna
allow any of that nonsense
none of that silliness
yeah those are the most
you gotta do that that
would be awesome
not the great thing
about technology
i was playing ufc
whatever it is and his beauty
and you know from
just kind of knowing you and some
other stuff i’ve done i know a lot of
fighters and it’s
funny when i was in a tournament
every time i
would come up against a
fighter that i know
i would take a
picture of it
and then i would tweet them
so it’s cool that you
can have that much interaction now i
could be playing a video game
right oh there’s
frank trigg
i’m gonna let
frank trigg
know i’m about to
knock him out
and then yeah i
send sent him a video
hey here’s what’s
gonna happen
dude hey do you
think that you
could set it up
so that we could try to do some sort of a
cyber comedy club thing
you mean if you know these
cisco people
well here’s
great to hear
this be someone
who would be into doing
something they’re really into because the cool thing is
is they were
using me to show that it
doesn’t have to be stuffy
but here’s another cool
they also have
that i don’t know what it’s called it’s some home unit
yeah but not the home unit look i’m i’m talking about
but you you
could do a home unit but i’m talking
about setting it up in a
hotel somewhere
where you sell tickets online the people come to the
hotel yes like
the mary i like to be honest i’m in so many
hotels that i forgot which one
is the one that but i’m pretty sure it’s like the
marriotts or something
and what you do is
you technically
how it works for business is you rent out that space
and then somebody rents it out whatever dude we
should really sit down but all
we do show is over and talk
about this because this could be
a great way
to do shows
where you don’t have to travel
you can do shows we
could do it at
cisco i know like we
could go to there
for this last one i did was hilarious
right and when i was in new york
why wait a minute stop
where’s cisco
um off of santa
monica oh it’s in la oh yeah
the one of the
buildings i’ve done it from so they have like a
studio there
it’s it’s like
a huge imagine
five hundred cubicles for
people to work but nobody works there because everybody
works at home
it’s like the craziest
place you walk in there they all work at home
yeah so it’s all these
empty desks but it’s a huge office building
and then they have a big conference room with this
technology set up in there like so they all use this
video conferencing
technology to
work no one goes to work yeah no nobody
so when i went there the
secretary let me in
and i’m about pretty fucking dope
yeah and i was
about to go
to do my thing last time
i did it there were 30 people in the room with me right
so there was some energy there
right this time
i show up by myself i’m like oh there’s gonna be a
there’s nobody
right one guy shows up amir liaison
so then we walked around the cubicles
i went to two
guys i didn’t know that are working and go hey dude
i gotta go in there and do
stand up you
need to come in there with me so i’m not the only one
you need to sit next to me
and when i’m doing my material or talking
smile and laugh the entire
like i don’t even know this guy
you wait a minute wait a minute
so you went and
grabbed people i
grabbed two guys
and said you need to not you not
only did you grab them you instructed them on how to
enjoy you are a diva john yeah you’re a diva
god damn it
well no because now it’s
about the thing
cause i didn’t want to be there and then have
have this guy sitting next to me just staring but
he’s not getting paid you’re the one getting paid but
he did it and it was like a cool kind of
what if he hated your comedy
yeah well that
would suck but they
were the coolest guys
podcast is like we’re doing this and i mean there’s
1086 people
tuned in right now
while we’re doing this
you’re doing the same
thing you’re doing
stand up for a thousand people right now
yeah it’s the same
it’s cool let’s go
but it was weird it remind me when i was
doing a lot of colleges performing you’d have to do
these noon teasers
we’d go in at noon
and the in the student
union what you
never had to do this
so i you’d have to go in they
would make you go
so you and brian are
studying i would have to go up ago
hey guys this is keep my no tv credits
no nothing stop it i
would go hey
everybody i’m
john heffern
on the comic i’ll be in the wrath skeller tonight at
eight go and you’d have to do you go around to
tables and this is part of your
contract to get people
to show up at the show at
night time stop that when
only that one hundred
percent i would do that constantly oh my god i’ve never
heard of them this is back in the day when i was in my
early twenties i
would do eighty to a hundred colleges
a year oh my god
this is pre or post
danny bonaducci
this is a pre
radio so keep
in mind i’m
21 you didn’t
have a concussion to blame no
no i’m 21 22
so now it’s
funny 20 some years
later in 8 billion dollars more
the show that i’m doing
i’m going around to
random people going
hey guys i’m
gonna be in this room can you come in it’s so
funny how it goes in
full circle and it’s the same but you’re getting
paid way more
that’s hilarious
i really think that that
could be a unique
thing like a real
those guys would do it
that could be a real business
a cyber comedy
well here’s what i thought that
simmer and a
strip club so imagine
going into a room going
i was turned it
okay anyway so
i would like
to see a girl in bangkok and bam you’re in bangkok
well i guess you
could do that but there’s a lot of
videos out there dude
but you are talking some
webcam show this webcam shows and i’ll have them set up
so we can do it well let’s do it let’s do a comedy club
i think if we
could set it up with a few
hotels in a few different cities
you know and bang it out and
fight only it’ll
shoots online yeah because
each room we
hold it’s like need a certain
promoter in each
individual town and make sure that there’s a
seating and then they have alcohol
or whatever
they have it at the show because you do it at the
hotel there’s a
hotel bar right
they can have
a mom come in
and then they
should his wait
staff there
and have it
like a cyber comedy club this is a
great idea dude i’ve done it and have i brought your
video to see
well watch the
video yeah you can’t but
dude it’s fun
people are people and
right but you’re doing it all through the
corporate network
whereas you have to be
super squeaky clean
what i want to do is use them and like
maybe like get them and have it just be
a yeah just whatever you feel like talking
about yeah i don’t want to have to
worry about being
clean i don’t have to
worry about the well we can’t use your
technology yeah
yeah no this is you’re
using our technology
and they don’t they
rent it out to whoever wants it you
could be talking about
anything yes this
is we need to talk to them
we’ll do it
something has come out of this podcast
ladies and gentlemen a
birth an idea
make sure you get will it bear
fruits we do
not know we cannot know but that’s one of the beautiful
things in life sometimes just
you have ideas
those ideas create something
cause the imagination
manifests things in
real life the imagination seems like a frivolous thing
but without it we
would have nothing
it is a real
thing it’s a
force it’s a
force that makes ideas appear
through the work of man
i tell you this you
look around wherever you’re
watching this look around your room that you’re in
everything you’re looking at was somebody’s idea
mad truth everything
everything was
thank you everybody for tuning in
thank you to the
flashlight if you go to joerogane
net and you
click on the link
for the flashlight you get 15
off when you
enter in the
promo code rogan
beat off to your
heart’s content you
silly little monkeys
thank you to
brian redband
join me on twitter please
join him he’s very very sad
about his twitter numbers what is your twitter numbers
right now buddy uh
oh no we’re
gonna find out yeah
mine go up stellar
maybe like one four
five a week
what is it nine thousand
four hundred
and yeah more
me thousand four hundred is not that bad
and i did that
thing where
i follow everybody who followed me and then they caught
how bad did that get
you have to
make a lot of lists so i you know what i mean i had to
start block
i had to start
unfollowing people
i have a few
dummies that say
interesting shit because they’re so stupid
but i was falling
way too many
uh god hose
all right ladies and gentlemen
thanks for tuning in
i wonder how
uh thank you
everybody for
everything you do out there keeping it real in the real
world real talk
force positive moving it all in a good direction
stay strong
there will be peaks and valleys there will be
ripples and waves but you’ve got to maintain your own
personal balance that’s my
that’s my word
electrifying mode balance
that’s my words of the day
ladies and gentlemen as always
i love you bitches
see you in vegas
february 4th
mentally may theater don’t
sleep tickets going fast
we just killed it with some
gay segway we
what did you just do
take it off the get this emo
whack ass low
blood from lil
wayne to m and
m students a
roast beef sandwich
what are you trying to do to me we had a
great ending to the podcast
this guy died of aids
dr dre’s dick you think so yes
allegedly you really think dr dre is a homosexual yes
what makes you say that it’s all about making that
because his dick tastes like shit
well we had a big nice going out
chose words of wisdom ladies and gentlemen
fuck my words of wisdom you know what to do
shit’s hitting the fan stay strong
it’s a mad mad world out there ladies and gentlemen
this thursday
the christmas podcast
with mad flavor aka joe diaz this thursday probably
two or three depending on what joey schedules like
brian red band and who knows who else
we might have a full couch bitches
thanks everybody love you bye
friend of mine till i caught in my car trying to
steal it out