trying to watch it online yeah stop it
you don’t need to look at us you fucking
freaks back on now
okay hi you
stream folks
sorry we’re off air for a
little bit you missed me playing with the vagina light
yeah yeah we
missed the whole
proof of concept we’re working out you know behind the
scenes type shit
eliza and heffron together
might rule the
world with this artificial vagina slash
he’s got to
get heffron to accept you on the team now but i
think i can
broker that deal okay
i appreciate it
thank you seen as you’re both last
comic standing winners you already have it in
right we have that bond unbreakable
did you have to do the audition
where you only
did stand up in
front of the
judges and no audience
yeah yeah it wasn’t even
people don’t get it i
my audition you walk in the
judges aren’t there it was just like
producers assistance or like
talent people they
weren’t even people you know and you walk in
you pitch your
you know you do your joke and i did my talk for
about fifteen
seconds she goes yeah just come back this afternoon
and then i came back and they’re
like you’re not on the list i was like yes i am and all
these people kept trying to come back that
weren’t approved
because it was so disorganized
you do go through like a couple
rounds before you got to it
you went you went
twice head to head
right on oh i
did yeah what does that mean
that’s like
they she got challenged at the end
where it was kind of like a
you all live in the house
you live there’s like
twelve comics
and at the end of the week everybody
pretty much votes who they hate the most it was
never me but they voted
if there was one
other girl they
voted on her
and then if you get
voted off you have a chance
to then challenge two comics
so then the
three of you do a showdown in
front of a live audience
and two get kicked off
and one stays so i won both weeks in a row
cause everyone that got kicked off the
house would keep challenging me and i kept winning
that’s the only reason i want
to show wow
so when someone challenges you how do they figure
out who wins the audience decides the audience votes
right then and they have like a little button they
press or something i
think so i think that’s how they did it wow
and that’s gotta be a
weird way to do comedy
that’s comedy
under the gun you know that’s
kinda creepy
if you’re a competitive person
which i wasn’t until this
or i mean i don’t
think playing jv lacrosse
counts for anything
maybe it was dormant
it was it was i mean
i’d always played with people that were better than me
and then when you get to comedy i had
never thought
of comedy as a competition and now that’s all i
think of it as really
i’m super aggressive
about it wow
silent like you compete with yourself but
it’s game time damn
yeah you know whatever
motivates you
for some people it’s not
some people get real competitive
some people i mean
i would never
say it i would
never go up to someone
but you know
it’s like before you play a
sport like you
psych yourself
up and you get out there and then you go for blood
i guess wow
that’s an interesting
way of looking at it i saw you like two weeks ago and
like i hadn’t seen you before
like for years like
until that show like i hadn’t seen on
stage recently
but what’s cool
about it is
that you really have that vibe of the comedy
storm not many
comics actually
carry some kind of vibe with it and when you
watch you you
could see the
comedy room vibe
it’s the same reason why boston
comics were so good
yeah because there’s so many hell rooms there
and you get used to that combat comedy
and the comedy
store is combat comedy
defined there’s no organization there it’s a chaos room
the room itself is an odd
setup and it’s
i like to think i cut my
teeth on rooms
like the original room
and then smaller
tougher rooms
you’re not gonna get anywhere by
going up in
front of your four friends and like
people that are
laughing at you for no reason
so doing those baggages in
those tough rooms
where they just stare at you some people don’t
speak english
it’s like swinging with two bats yes
you’re totally
right when you go
other places
people are so much nicer
so much nicer
there’s something about the
store and all the murder that’s been committed there
a lot of people that don’t know
it was bugsy
siegel’s nightclub
in like the 30s or whatever that was
and there was like a
bunch of people murdered in that
place there was
abortions abortions
yeah abortions
illegal abortions this like nerd
people say they’ve
heard babies crying and like
wait a minute
wait a minute wait a
minute wait a
minute people are
crazy hold on a
second people are
crazy i never
heard anything
about this is part of it abortion
they did like back room
illegal abortions on like the
forty fourties or fifties
oh my god and they did in there
right on the stage
shit no no not on the
stage but it was like in the basement or something
like no one ever goes in the basement
eliza is just making shit up
no i’m not i promise
come on is there any documentation can we find out
about this online or is it just
yeah holly where’s the story
i’ve never heard this
before that’s why i’m
shocked i mean i’ve been around the
store for a long time i
never heard that
story that’s
right i heard
crazy stories though
people are always talking about
ghosts there like when they do like
haunted hollywood shows they always include the comedy
store talking
about the guy that always does it from the formosa
it’s always on e and
he’s always kind of like a fat guy that always yeah i
would say it’s all bullshit
except a few people
that have said they’ve seen
things are like really cool guys like
blake clark
blake clark was a vietnam
vet and he was a
standard comic
he’s seen some shit you
know he’s been around and he was working at the comedy
store one night
and i didn’t hear the
story directly
from him so i don’t want to paraphrase it
but in essence he
was closing up and he went into the room and all of a
sudden there was someone there
and he starts talking to this person and
the person’s not talking
back to him and then he realizes it’s some sort of a go
and you know
what if you ask him what that guy looks like
other people will be able to corroborate the same
image a lot of people see the same like in the
belly room i
think it’s a guy with like a top hat or something
people see the same
things a girl that did our i do a
monday night show there
brand new never been there came
to see her friend she saw something and told one of us
on not preview to the
story at all it
sounds like it
should be horseshit because
every one of
those shows that you watch
the problem is
those goddamn shows
you know it’s like they
create this artificial environment you got you know
cameras and
lights and everything and you go and looking for
ghosts and you have to find something in
every episode and you’re just not
there’s not that many
ghosts happening
you know if there are
ghosts it’s not enough that you’re
gonna get them on a
television show
we don’t ever see them
i don’t know if it’s real
but i’m not willing to
say that it’s not
i’m not willing to say there’s no ghosts
so many people are foolish and it’s
tough it’s a tough
conversation
i don’t think you can beat my
ghost theory
though my theory is you find somebody that was murdered
like midnight on halloween
and you go to
the wife’s grave
you know it’s like a husband wife thing
and you just
start making fun of her on midnight
you know just go hey
ghost yeah i’m making fun of your dead wife yeah whoa
and nothing’s
gonna happen
whoa that’s my
ghost theory
though maybe the
ghosts recognized
from the great beyond that you’re a douchebag
maybe they’re
above that but if you’re
disrespecting your murdered wife do you
wanna get serious
if the ghost has
crossed over
i don’t think
it’s the what people have when they have
ghost sightings and all this
and like ev was evp
where they do the
white noise
thing right
ghost that have a problem what does that mean
evp extra no
yeah what’s it
were you like that movie
white noise
where you can turn up the rain you can hear the
ghosts like talking it’s like
really yeah there’s like a
whole thing
lens flares
the ghosts that have a problem are the ones that
haven’t crossed over the ones that are
stuck cause they died
prematurely or in some sort of horrible accident
that’s if you
well there’s people that believe that
everything has a memory there’s a guy
named rupert
sheldrake i
think he’s an
evolutionary biologist and he has
this theory that
everything has some sort of a memory
like furniture
and you know houses
that even though you can’t really access it
like the energy
of the house
can be compromised
by having a
lot of negative shit happening it’s all energy it’s not
memory absolutely like the
house becomes a creepy
thing like it has memory to it
and that’s certainly what the
story is that’s why
they always ask when you do like an exorcism
or a seance
they ask for an
object or if you’re in a
buddha it’s an
object from the person because it has that energy
or that’s why
if something comes out of a negative
i mean i totally buy it into the
whole energy
thing about not
transferring like negative energy
and stuff and
that’s why i do too
if you like cooks
that’s when
they say cook with love your love goes into it
and you give it it’s
about that if you’re in tune to it
otherwise you just eat
yeah no that totally makes
sense that something
and it goes
along really with the same idea that if
everything has a memory
now if you’re cooking with love and then
food has like a memory of your love and you creating it
people will like it more it sort of makes it
sounds totally hippie
but i should not eat so many lean pockets
cause what’s that doing to
me that’s why
fast food makes so many people sick
all the cows torture
dude you’re eating
not to torture
some yeah where pigs are just
stuffed in the
boxes where
their heads are sideways for half
their life it’s
so easy i do love
bacon though never had
bacon’s awesome and pigs are cunts
therein lies the problem fuck em
pigs are assholes
pigs more people die from pigs in farms than any
other animal
because people fall into the
pigsty and the pigs just fucking eat them was that what
movie was that snatch
yeah that shit’s true
i started researching it
after that that’s me
i’m fucking in the theater
on my blackberry writing research and
pigs eat pigs and the end of was it hannibal
where the guy like the crippled
guy they pushed him into the pigs
and they eat him up yeah
a lot of pig eating
yeah that’s some serious shit
have you seen people fuck pigs
those videos of oh they’re
horrendous so glad i came
today all people fucking animal
videos are horrendous i’ve
never seen a
video of anyone having sex and i don’t wanna
no don’t don’t ever
watch it but
what you should see what everybody
should see is a documentary called zoo
and zoo is on there was a
bunch of people that have
zoo i believe it’s pronounced zoophilia
is this where they make they’re sexually
attractive no no
no they get fucked by horses
isn’t that how like catherine the
great died supposedly
at the comedy store
yeah in the belly room
yeah supposedly that’s how catherine a
great guy but
we know for sure that there’s one guy died
that way because it’s it
changed a law
in washington state
in washington state
it used to be
legal to have sex with animals it was mandatory
well you gotta do what you
gotta do you’re
stuck in seattle
but a bunch of people
decided to move there from
all over the country they met on an internet message
board and they
moved there and
started like this
whole farm community
thing where they got fucked by animals
like there was like a
whole bunch of
freaks that like
found themselves they
found themselves a friend
wait we’re getting boned by i have seen this the guy
there’s a horse yes
and like the guy had like
blonde hair i have seen that yeah i saw a clip of that
yeah and the woman that
lands is the
video lets the pony bite her and she like likes it when
the pony bite
me this is a different one that’s a different one there
can’t be two
yeah no there’s a
bunch there’s nothing
wrong with the pony is that abusive
for having sex
i don’t know
i don’t necessarily
think so but it’s kind of fucked up
mean it just seems unnatural
for sure it seems like you’re indulging the worst in
human spirit
you know the idea you just want to just exploit
animals and have them fuck you in the ass
all the time
yeah he got
he got broken
like broken open and bled out the guy good
what are you
gonna go on to do it’s like well you used to have
sex with animals and now i work at the verizon store
well that’s a thing
he was like
fuck i wish i remembered what he did
i think he was an architect i mean he was like an
intelligent
guy apparently
let me find out
because this is just too
too important
a thin line between intelligence
and absolute insanity and the line is a horse cock
apparently my dog
doesn’t like this part
what a horrendous way to die that ribbon
she removed it
that ribbon
or what is that it’s
raw hide that went around the cane
it’s dessert
oh she’s saving yeah that’s peppermint
oh my god bless your
heart a little
after dinner mint
so you gave up on the droid completely
oh you followed that yeah oh you have no
idea so what happened there
i can’t find
a blackberry
it started doing
weird things
right and so i was like
screw it i’m
gonna go with the droid just to try
cause i used to have a trio i missed the
touchscreen right
all these things
it was too much
and there were all
these problems it couldn’t make calls it made
weird sounding calls it was on like warble mode anyways
so i went i was on what my
breaking point was
no one could hear me on the
phone but i was on the
phone yesterday
five times during a phone call
my face somehow dialed someone else and it
starts ringing as i’m
speaking to someone else
like three wade
yeah who needs that
like the joy
enables you
to call people when you don’t want
to so i just i was like i’m done i want this for free
and so i got the
brand new blackberry
brand new but you know what’s weird
about blackberry
owners though i don’t know if they know this and joe
yours does this
every time you text me on your blackberry
is that if i reply
it replies what i texted you
every time you text me back that’s a glitch
so it’s like you get like
three texts it’s like reading like
emails oh no
it’s just crazy how much
it has to be a setting like a
some kind of setting in your
text it’s all broken
yeah it’s called suck but
i will give up
touchscreen any day
i can’t believe i left my
blackberry i’m
never leaving it
again the iphone is the shit but
at amp t sucks it
why won’t you go to the iphone you seem very
apple friendly i liza i
my parents got it
no i love the i love the iphone i don’t
want it i want
a keyboard i want a full keyboard i don’t want my face
fucking with my
phone calls
right as i found out yesterday
it fucks with it that much huh
five times and
it was a very important gossip conversation damn
me and my friends are defriending a
friend in real life so it was very important the iphone
doesn’t do that
though the iphone
doesn’t hang up on your face
no how could it not how can you not
because it detects
when your face is closed
and it turns it off and the droid
doesn’t move
joy does it didn’t and
maybe there’s
a mode for it but the iphone
doesn’t have the full keyboard
yeah but you can get
really have this fun plaid cover
that’s pretty they have that though they
definitely have that whatever
i like if i just
you know i use
the iphone more of like as like an internet device
yeah do as a
phone i might get an eye touch
yeah those are
pretty slick on
the road a lot this year just so i can have something
cause this is not great with
those are pretty slick
especially the 3g one
where you can pull up anywhere
yeah it’s pretty nice
like that fucking
technology bitches
and so that they
found some tools
that indicate that
human beings were
traveling by boat
more than a hundred and
fifty and as much as
seven hundred thousand years ago wow
because there’s an island i believe the island is
crete and they
found these fucking tools there
hold on they
found these tools
yeah they found tools that were way well
crete has been separate
from the mainland by 40
miles for over five million years
so the fact that they
found tools there
700 000 years ago
i mean somehow
or another someone got there in a fucking boat
or when it was a part of the
world like pangea when it was all together
people were there and then it split off
how’s that but that’s five million years
you need i’m supposedly
five million years
people weren’t around
you know so what they’re saying is if this island
was 500 or those five
million years separate from everybody else and nothing
developed on this island
otherwise it’d have to be like parallel evolution
right i believe in that
really absolutely
if you have parallel thought process how
could having you not have parallel
evolution like separate
groups of people like developed on this island yeah or
like when you come with the same joke as someone else
it’s totally the same
i hear you it’s
totally the same it is totally the same i
should talk to this guy this
is a fascinating
subject though it’s been fascinating to me
well i think
like they always
taught us that christopher columbus
came america
first we were like
dead last the
chinese were here before they use chinese maps
to come here in the
first place like they were here way before
so interesting
what your textbook wants you to believe yeah they
found the oldest
human being in
north america
the bones they
found was a chinese guy
yeah there you
go over 10 000 years old
so that’s even pre dates the american indian
isn’t that crazy we’ve been paying
reparations to the
wrong group
well the american indians came from asia
too that’s one
thing they found out
definitively because this mormon
dude was trying to
do genealogy
tests on american indians because he wanted to prove
that american indians were israelites
and that they had come here and this would
prove the mormon text to be correct that’s the lost
tribe of israel that’s what
everybody thinks that was the idea yeah
but they tested them they have the same noses
when they tested american indians
they come from siberia
because we cut
from the bering
strait yeah they
crossed over when it was all
on alaska yeah
that’s fascinating shit
you know i mean
when i said that
the chinese were here
first i don’t
think that’s true i think
maybe the american indians were here
i think they
crossed that before 10 000 years ago i
think they were probably here first
but just the idea that chinese
navigated before them
i mean a bunch of it a
bunch of what people are here they fucking walked here
they walked here from another continent
yeah but not in one lifetime
no but they took
groups of humans
over time walked through
like insanely cold
harsh environments and
got no reason
it’s gotta be warmer somewhere
it’s fucking crazy
i love that kind of stuff
could you imagine if you had to go
back in time and no one even was even riding horses yet
and you’re like what do we
gotta do we
gotta walk everywhere
don’t you have like a
you have a bit
a brilliant bit
about this about like what will we do if all the
lights went out like i can’t make shit
that’s the only time i’ve ever seen you in person i
think you did a show
at red rock
it’s the first
time i’ve ever met you it was a long time ago oh wow
you got that so
i remember that
bit that was only one i
think i went on before
you or something and you did that bit i thought it
was i thought it was very
smart and so funny
thank you yeah
that’s all i got i remember that now
yeah that’s the idea
is that people are getting dumber as
technology gets more and more powerful
there’s people that have less and less resources
of their own less and less ability to do things
know little
and little every year
about what makes
everything work
you know in the 50s like
if a guy broke down on the side of the road another guy
would pull over and knew how to fix your fucking car
you know you got a broken belt here
buddy let’s
go get a belt for you and you know that shit
could work you
could do that
now if you’re fucking ford that
crazy car you got that
thing breaks down the side of the road with all the
electronics and shit it won’t
start nobody knows what the fuck is
going on in there but you know what is interesting
about that unless you don’t have higher education
then you’re
more likely to become a mechanic or someone that knows
about cars the
more education you get the further removed you are
from what makes the world tick
mechanically
yeah that’s true but what i’m saying
is that most people like there’s a general knowledge
that’s missing
i agree in america i don’t
touch my fucking cars
do you touch your car i
mean do you ever
bring it to the shop and they fix it i’ve had a
check engine i lawn for like two
months i grew up
i grew up never ever
using a car
like a place that would
fix your car ever up till
i moved here in
california because
my dad like
every time i broke down
i was like alright we
gotta get a new engine
and i’m gonna show you how to do it
and i’m like i had to
redo that whole
car it was really interesting
but that’s crazy now
cause now i
have to do that i had to drop off my car the
other day and it was
an oil change
it was four
hours for an oil change at this ford dealer
and they actually have a restaurant
inside the ford dealer called like the
i forget what it’s called
but you order food and the
bacon looks like seat
covers it’s just like really long rectangle oh
perfect why
can’t you go to
jiffy lube or something
because is the
ford dealership no i
think it’s something like if you have a ford and you’re
under warranty
you’re supposed to take it to the dealer you know
just in case
so for so well
no no so the warranty if there’s anything ever
wrong with it they can’t
blame somebody else
you know what i mean
yeah jiffy lube is the shit oh yeah
i like jiffy
lube pulled in
10 15 minutes
later done my friend’s car got fucked up by
jiffy lee they didn’t they stripped the oil
bolt back in
because they use those
things like
you know things real quick
and if they put it in
wrong because
they’re doing cars all day long
you know it
strips it and then he just
his car leaked oil for the rest of his car it’s like a
brand new car
died was and
the comedy is dead
i am always in the basement how they can always
get me to buy new air filters for my air conditioner
look how dirty
it is i’m like it’s a filter it’s supposed to be
dirty i just take a hose
to try every
hose i buy it
i don’t wanna
die yeah i don’t
wanna die either
fix that shit what are you
gonna do that
fluid in there yeah do that shit with the the red
stuff yeah but
those filters you just
spray out and
that’s all you need
to do i’m not
gonna do that either then they
start talking
transmission fluid and
shit like that
and then you’re like listen kid
you know you
don’t know what the fuck you’re doing get out of that
transmission
before i’ll buy anything well yeah
if you tell me i need it
wow if there’s something i don’t know
about i’m that girl
i wonder how many people get shit done to their car
every year they don’t really need just because
someone wants to make you on my car
because they said i needed it
well no balls that
big porsche
wings looks amazing
run that’s what
i want a car with a wing on the back of it i will
literally walk into a
store like a makeup
store and just be like what do i need
and let them sell it to me i don’t give a
fuck and i’ll buy it
i don’t even
wear that much makeup i just like to have it
i will buy everything
food anything
i’m an easy target
joe have you
seen this homeless man guy from columbus ohio
this is no this is amazing
yeah i keep hearing
about it so i have not seen it
check this out
i’ll try to show it to you but what it is is
my hometown of columbus ohio
this homeless guy
held up a sign
and that said that you know i can do
voices for food or
money or whatever do you
know that road
yeah i totally know that road
it looks exactly like it
we changed preway exit ramps
but recently there’s been this
guy with an interesting sign at i 71 in hudson street
his handwritten sign says he has the god
given gift of a
great voice
hey i’m gonna
make you work for your dollar say something with that
great radio
voice when you’re listening
to nothing but the best of oldies you’re listening to
magic ninety
eight point nine
thank you so much god
bless you whoa
and we’ll be back with more
right after
these words
and don’t forget tomorrow morning is your chance to
win a pair of tickets to see this man live in concert
thank you so much
when i was fourteen years old i was born and raised
in brooklyn new york when i was fourteen i kind of
listen to one of our area
radio announcers and
as a field trip to go meet the guy
and he looked
nothing like what he
sounded like so
i asked him
about that he said to me listen
radio is defined
theater of mine
and so when
he said theater of mind i just said well hey
i can’t be an actor i can’t be an on air
personality but
the voice just became something of
a development over years and i went to
school for it
and then alcohol and
drugs and few
other things became a part of my life
i got two years clean
and i’m trying
hard to get it back and hopefully somebody from one of
these television
radio say hey i need a
voice over or i
i need something
so you know i’m hoping one day
watch family guy week
nights at 7 30 on fox 28
anything but that’s what it is
i love radio i got sad yeah i got sad at the end
a little pathetic
the beginning was kind of nice
the beginning was actually cool if that was a 15
second clip
it would be the shit and then he got weird
who reads those signs that’s small
yeah that’s really small
the worst is when it’s the couple like it looks like
they just do meth together
and they’re just living
on the road and they have like a bowling ball bag
and the worst
is when they have a dog
isn’t that awful that the dog is what touches
your heart strength
like a person but i totally agree or
a fucking dog if they had a kid
probably the kid
would get taken away someone
you know protective services would come
and take the kid away most likely right
i mean you can’t have a kid and be homeless can you
i saw an episode of lawn or the
other day that says you can yeah
you can’t as well
taken care of oh my god
yeah madness it
gets enough box but that kid knows how to change a tire
yeah no shred
eat a tire too
how to cook a tire
well that guy was like i noticed that
the guy didn’t
sound anything like he looked i’m
like i felt like he was
gonna be like i was
white so i went out yes dyed my skin
got my nose it’s a real
thing to do when you’re homeless is to have a gimmick
isn’t it amazing that that
voice is like
it’s like a tool almost like the dj voice
like it’s such a
an affection
that you take on when you talk like a dj here we go
morning you know
there’s like something to it
it’s creepy though
what have you done for me lately
that’s like an old radio
thing that’s like a dying
sound probably though it is because
podcasts yeah
podcasts don’t do that there’s not like the guy goes
hi there maybe
we should do that
we should do a podcast in the dj
voice you’re listening to red bar
radio hey here we go all right
it’s also the
strip club dj they’re very similar
this is the same
voice but with a couple of drinks
all right denver
working hard for your tips
and your approval
lexus to the main stage
it’s like the same guy overall
djs that we have now
especially in la are so
i have a bit
about this which i’m not going into
they’re so ignorant
sounding there’s
this one i listen to like the hip hop stations and
i don’t know if he’s like
latino or what he’s like
yo you gotta
get your auto insurance and i’m like why does that
the word is auto
and it’s always like yo
ask these motherfuckers if they want
insurance y’all
gotta get down there and i’m like you are just
spreading ignorance like people
think it’s okay to get a job
and you’re yelling at me
and you’re mispronouncing
everything and half of it’s in spanish
i know how to
speak spanish properly they’re just
speaking to
their people
chi chi and that
there’s a lot of them as well
it’s not that it’s just so
wouldn’t if you’re if you’re fine let’s say you’re
of la raza and you’re
going to community college you’re going to
school or you’re
trying to get a better education and this is what
this is what your people are telling you it’s okay to
sound like sort of
maybe they’re just hanging out
you know maybe that’s just the way they talk
yeah
i know what you’re saying i do
agree that you know
maybe you should have like
better english and stuff but
you know if you know what the fuck he’s saying
they don’t we’re not saying anything
they’re not saying no they’re not talking
about the news it’s just like
yo boost mobile
no way that
not ghetto i like it
i want to make sure there’s a few
ghetto stations around so i can listen to him i like it
because that’s just connected to like remember that old
video with the leprechaun
found in the tree remember
like can we
watch it yeah have you seen
this is from
four years ago you will remember this once you see this
leprechaun i feel like a
bunch of people are
gonna be tweeting that they
think i’m racist
after this no y’all can eat it
no in alabama
yep it’s called
leprechaun in alabama and they
found this i know
what you’re saying you’re saying that people should
speak like they’re educated instead a good example
you should know what you’re saying but
then we were
never gonna you’re
gonna say anything i’m
never gonna listen you
because you
sound what i’m saying is i’m everybody’s different
i like watching people
and listening to people that are nothing like me
you know so i like listening to ghetto shows
i like listening to
their music
i like listening to them on the
radio too that’s what they
want to talk
they don’t have to say anything
listen to this shit this is the
leprechaun keep this
party going y’all yeah
that’s what i’m saying yeah
here with 98
6 we’ll be back with all sorts of
fresh tunes i
gotta make a
point for a living and they can just blabber
yeah but that’s
what they’re doing i mean nobody wants to hear a
point in between
their songs
anything i just want to hear the
music i miss djs
i miss real djs
curiosity leads to large
crowds and mobiles crichton community
many of you
bringing binoculars
camcorders even camera
phones to take pictures
to me it looked like a
leprechaun to me
i got to look up in the tree
who else in the
leprechaun say yay
oh my the leprechaun only comes out it gets better
if you shine a
light in its direction it suddenly disappears this
sketch resembles what many of you say
leprechaun looks like
hard to believe and have come up with
their own theories and is this real the image
my theory of this passing a shadow from
uh oh you know i got no family
could be a crackhead got home to the wrong stuff
and it told me get up in the tree and play a leprechaun
would you buy me a joint england
a joint of weed england
i join a week you have better language better action
more activities and
more individuals the guys on the radio
party better social lab is better relaxing
no fighting no clown is more enjoyment
more in job
this is not the news anymore this is not
this is like a remix version of it though
this is bullshit you fucking give me this is
disintegration it’s back to the
he suited up from his
spells right here what
this is a special
leprechaun fluke
bro they slowed him down this is ridiculous
he’s having an aneurysm
we fucked up and picked the wrong youtube video
alright alright this is what’s called poor
prior planning
so but was there a real
story there was a real
story that people thought there was a lep
yeah yeah that was real that was
mixed in with like complete craziness
i know what’s real though man
well they have an artist
rendering you
know what this is probably i’ll tell you what it is man
she’s probably a real fucking
leprechaun and this is the disinformation that
the government puts out
to make the
story of the
leprechaun look
like shit yeah
fallen birds you figured it out dawg
what is your
speaking over there
blanche she’s
under your desk
following i want to make sure
get in my litter box she won’t i
think i shut the door i don’t know blanche come here
come here i’ve
got something for you what is it she already
know she doesn’t want this
is this a stereotype
pretty girl with a little dog
no she’s not little
she actually
she’s actually
quite heavy
yeah she’s like thirteen pounds
you don’t ever
bring that dog to like the mall do you
do you do that i
bring her everywhere
but it’s not a cute bag it’s this big like over the
shoulder duffel
bag like a duffel bag like
she’s like a
basketball player uses
this like a
crazy special bond that you have with a dog when you
adopt a dog
because that dog’s life
could have been
super fucked
super fucked
could have been shit
i mean you never know she
could have been put down
she needs anything can happen
but you came
along and got her and i
she gets she’s very needy she gets upset if i
leave so i take her over because it’s not a problem
and she’s not little enough to be
annoying and i’m not hot enough to be annoying
about it so
it’s okay look at this
dogs are fucking fascinating animals you let your
dog chew gum
yeah i let my dog chew gum
the fuck dogs love gum they actually chew it
that’s not good for your dog why
why would be mad
about this no
that’s not right
don’t get your dog
have you ever
caught your dog though eating chewing gum
and it’s just like oh what are you eating
chewing gum
laying around the
floor you fucking sloth yeah
your dog’s eating it was like i’m done with this
you probably
just leave it everywhere
my dog’s really like
gets on top of
things it gets on top of my coffee
table now or whatever oh really
room and like you
gotta set rules son
you gotta be alpha
about that shit even with little dogs
there’s just
certain shit you shouldn’t have him do it shouldn’t be
walking where you eat exactly with their
dirty shit i like walking
where i eat the like everyone eats at the coffee
table now have you noticed
like the kitchen
table is like is
it’s getting phased
out we don’t have no
we don’t have families
like you eat at the
table with your kid eats at the
table yeah we eat at the
table really
we don’t have families
we don’t eat at the table
you’re like perpetual single guy i know
maybe if you got a
table that you don’t
wanna talk about that no
no are you have you
never you’re always single
again huh yeah
you know you single again yeah
watch out lady we
should play that prince
song you know that prince song i got a broken heart
again oh yeah
once you pull that up brian
we need to talk
are you sad
no brian has got to learn
what’s a cardigan
i got a broken
out of broken heart
again do you date
bitchy girls is that the problem
no no it’s just a nice guy yeah
he’s a nice guy
is he too nice nice guy yeah
i don’t think he’s too nice
it’s just you know it’s slapping
you got it right you got to get the
right combination
i don’t have it
that’s the whole
keyed relationship it’s not necessarily that you’re
wrong that person
the person that you got
along with is wrong
it’s like the combinations off
some people would go
great with some one person
but with other people that
clash and it’s just
everybody’s
gonna find that mix brian
that’s what it’s all
about brian
it’s not just
about bodies man it’s
about the person behind the body
sounds depressing my dog
you gotta concentrate on the soul brian
you gotta concentrate on being real with
these bitches
and find one who’s willing to be real with you back
see i’m saying bro yeah you
gotta tap deep into it
get to what it’s real
get to what’s real
they’re not
giving you the real then you give them the pimp
hand i get it
give them the heisman
you can step out of my life
see what you’re doing my time’s important
thanks for talking to you
let’s get a
check of traffic
alright here’s bob on the midway what’s
going on bob we have a slowdown at the five
you know i noticed
today driving here
that if i wanted to be a gardener all i
would have to do is walk down the highway i would find
shoes hats rakes
garbage bags like there was
like so much shit on the side of the road
have you noticed how much crap
it’s on our highways like ridiculous
things like couches and
chairs and is it because you think they’re not
cleaning up as much well i think it’s all
these landscaper guys that just have those
trucks that have like all the shit in the back you
know where it
just falls off
i’m waiting for you
right i’m waiting for a rake to come
right through my windshield i
ran over a railroad tie once a big
metal railroad tie
you know those big fucking
things that like
you know in
movie states
crushed on vampire no
i’m sorry not a tie the actual
bar the bar the
metal bar yeah
i was no the bar
that the railroad
track the wheel goes on a track
oh my god we’re all retarded
the rabbit with the tail
no the metal shit
the metal shit bro
the fucking long
thing that the
wheel rolls up
i thought you’re talking about the stakes no
no no it’s a bigger one wait are you talking about the
state no no i’m just kidding
you guys were
tracks this railroad
right not a tie
i said tie no
you don’t even remember the incorrect word
what i meant
is a section of
track it was like a big ass fucking
giant hunk of metal
and i’m driving on the highway
and all of a
sudden i see it before it’s too late there’s nothing i
could do and ba bam
i hit it and it just tears my
wheel apart
smashes it tears the tire off the wheel
and i had to make a decision
and i said you know what i’m just
gonna drive on this fucking
thing i’m not getting out on the highway and
risking getting hit by some fucking car
i’m like i’m
gonna cook this car
and i’m just
gonna drive on this fucked up
wheel and cook this car and it was
sparks were flying and shit and smoke
and it was nuts because it was like half of a wheel
it’s like half of a wheel
in this fucked up time
and i’m going like
literally did you have far to go
yeah i have like almost almost a mile did you
binge your rims fuck that car up yeah
yeah i had to get a
bunch of shit done
to it after it was
over yeah but you know what it’s better than me dying
true that’s what i thought of
there was a kid i went to high
school with that was
changing his tire off
the side of the road and someone hit the car and killed
him that’s why you shouldn’t change your own tires
yeah well you
know but have you been
watching horror
movies lately
it’s always the girl
getting her flat tire and waiting for the guy to fix it
girls take 10
minutes out of your time find
out figure out how to do it just in case of emergency
don’t want to be calling
these times it’s a physical tow
truck drivers
try to get those fucking
wheels off bro
those things are
sometimes it’s really hard
sometimes it’s
hard for a man like a big man to get your fucking bolts
loose i’m the
first to ask
others for help
i don’t even attempt
stuff at all
sometimes that’s a pain
you should try you should
learn how to do it if you can but fuck man
you could do it fast
it’s pretty
easy bro i guarantee you there’s some bolts that you
would not be able to
crack i bet i could
i don’t really
have a look
at you you just rose up like a man and puffed your
chest never had a problem
never i love it
i’ve never had a problem ever
i bet change the tire yeah
never really
wow it’s easy
wow between two of you you just have to use
the retard strength like okay i
gotta do it
you know i mean
sorry not retard strength
i changed a lot
of tires when i was a kid but i stopped a long time ago
i forgot everything that’s involved in it
but when i was in auto shop in high
school we listed
used to change tires like you know to use that fucking
stupid machine
that moves the tire in place and
yeah pump it
the weights
on it yeah it was kind of kind of interesting
stuff but i forgot all of it
we had this
teacher in auto shop
that all he
would do was fix up shitty
old mustangs i wish i
could remember his name
because he was
a real character it’s probably on facebook yeah
facebook facebook
facebook me bro you remember me i remember you
i just forgot your name
and he’s probably dead by now probably
dead i don’t want
to say that
i don’t want to make you feel
older or say that
about him it is no getting away from it
every year i get a little older
i hate when i
think of like an old actor
that that i
think is dead and then i go and find out that he has
like a facebook and a website remember that shit what
jonathan winners
the other day i was like oh he’s dead
he’s still alive he’s
still alive he’s got fucking cds coming out he’s got
paintings he’s got like websites
it’s hard to keep a lot of people die it’s hard to keep
track of who’s
alive and who isn’t
jonathan winners
used to be on
all the time back in the day that he just kind of
remember like
you know who jonathan winners sure
yeah yeah yeah he was the guy who
used to guest on
morgan mindy
remember did kurt
douglass die
is he dead i
think he’s sick
kirk douglas i
think is dead
michael douglas is okay michael
douglas is kirk
douglas i don’t
know don’t know
k irk right
right seems like
seems like he is
k y r q capital t
yeah so you’re from dallas right yes he’s
4 years old he’s
alive oh good wow
well then i just won 20
holy shit do you ever go on the lex and
terry show down there
or do you know those guys i do know the name i’m not
i didn’t do stand up and dials i’ve done it
since but i didn’t i
never did it i went to college in boston and we wow
sweat this real name you ready for this this is this is
kirk douglas’s real name it’s jewish it’s
is it jewish is that what it is it’s issr
iss you are is sir
daniel lovich
that’s his real name it just rolls
off the tongue i can see why he
chose ovich
wow it says it in russian letters
is it on wikipedia yeah
what would you like if you had to change your
name because you had a fucked up name like that what
would you change it to if you can just
darth vader
no like seriously i
would change my name to
darth vader what
would your backup
name be like a real name luke skywalker no
it’s hard because
it’d be like
lance obi wan
kenobi bitch that
would be my full name yeah
i don’t know anything
about cars or star wars
so you don’t
i got nothing well
kevin james
had to do that too
i don’t want to say his last name he probably
doesn’t want people knowing
i had to do it i can be called reich
oh i hear you in this
sound i know it does
sound rude i
sound like it
sounds the next
generation yeah it’s like
no matter what like people are forced to
think about the
third right
right that’s that’s fucked up just a little bit they’re
gonna not like you as much as they should
your bubbling personality is not
gonna shine through yeah
you being held back by a douchebag name bro i know
fuck that shit can’t go
wrong with you
you could make
you know you keep it as that and then just be the guy
be the one to change that stereotype
we can think of nazis or we can
think of you
yeah you just reinvent yourself as red band
huh just change that fucking name legally what
about red man
now evers i’ve been red man for a
while now there’s like a red band
like techno
artists from the uk
and there’s this
other he’s ripping you off there’s all
these red bands now it’s like that’s not
fair get red
band dot com
and tell people to jump on the red band
wagon yeah got it you’re
right redman
com is his he’s in the box it’s
over it’s done
dude you’re like a rapper you’ve
changed your name
you’ve reinvented yourself
i can’t be cool
my last name
doesn’t do me any favors
how about charlie sheen
those guys too there were
charlie sheen and emilia vesto as
her brothers
yeah but charlie was like
that shit’s just too mexican
it’s different
charlie’s like i’m
going with dad
i’m going with how dad rocked it
they have different fathers is that what it is
or different
is he a different mother from fathers it’s gotta be
mothers so they’re allowed to have sex with each other
they should yeah
totally bang
makes sense
now that’s how they’re married their kids would be fine
that’s how they’re married
charlie sheen is holding it down though
gotta tell you
yeah i’m talking about a guy that just keeps
doing the same shit and just life just keeps moving
forward for him when he walks on set
for two and a half men like the day after
that is everyone just like
quiet like someone pretend like nothing happened
the kid high fives i doubt it yeah i doubt
do you watch that show at all i
i bet he owns that shit
the best thing
about that show is when the hell they show the kid like
morph into the adult
that’s trippy a little creepy yeah the thing
about charlie sheen is
charlie sheen has like a hundred million dollars so he
doesn’t give
a fuck so it
doesn’t matter if he gets caught
with hookers just like what the fuck ever shut it
i hope he does hot shots three d
do you think you
could pitch it that would be the plot yeah
like he’s a retired
navy seal guy or whatever
he has a son
bieber and justin bieber yeah justin bieber
and justin bieber justin bieber
you know he has to train him you know
to take over fucking huge
movie i know
if we’re doing coke
right now this would be
the best conversation yeah dude this is a fucking huge
movie i’m telling you
right now agent
right now i know mike
young and mike
young knows leonardo dicaprio
okay we’re gonna get this fucking
thing we’re
gonna put this deal together okay
mike young rose
tobey maguire too
tobey maguire
wouldn’t be a bad
choice call mike
young right now
and pitch it to him
and see what he says mike young will
probably i saw
mike young last
night do it he
said he’s hot
right now if i put it on
speaker will you do it
he said something
hilarious he
said something
hilarious he’s like yeah man i saw i saw
i saw joe at
the ufc man and he
held up and
he said something like
write more or something
i looked up at him and i went like this with my fingers
right like from stage
yeah it’s just
he’s very funny
it’s an inside joke
he’s right he’s
right he’s right it was an inside joke
he would always
joke around
the problem was
i don’t want to
now he looks like
drake the rapper if mike were
black he would be drake
i think they look alike
i’m gonna drink
whiskey with him or
mike young my ties or no
those hot whiskey
drinks with my
daughter drake
i had hot hotties last
night that’s like
young or drake huh
but mike young or
drake both of them
who did you mean
initially mike young oh
i’m sure he
wouldn’t add me
to coffee or
something like him
travels with the russell
travels with russell
peters does he really yeah
that’s good that’s why he was in montreal for the ufc
i love his song
take me back
it’s a fucking
good song man
we should find that you want to play that
where is that is that even online
that’s hard
i’ll find it
you know i could always
email to you i’m sure i have it on my
my computer
i’ll just buy it from itunes i’ll support mike
you like it
from itunes fuck yeah i’ll support mike if
you can put
the link up it’s actually a really good song you know
my rap song it’s
a good song
we freaked out
it’s really
good i was like mike man this is like a good fucking
pop song i don’t know what it is
is he does he rap in it
no it was florida
yeah sort he sort of rap jews love rapping
i’m jewish my brother’s a rapper
we love it where
the fuck is it i don’t even have it on this computer
you son of son of a
motherfucker
here we go yeah you got it i
could buy it by
buy that shit song bye
i want to hear a
song oh it’s so good like we i was actually addicted to
the shocked
i was really
shocked i mean
it’s not the
greatest song ever but it’s like
i told him i go dude this
could be on the radio
like definitely
we’re gonna hear
it now yeah
what the fuck is going on
that we’re being held back by technology by things
speaking of which
this is something were we talking
about this before the podcast started
conspiracy theory
pun conspiracy theory
about what the fuck is happening with
these birds are
just asked you to talk about it
shoot what are you saying it said
joe rogan and eliza talk
about the birds and the fish that suddenly
died oh i didn’t even see that the birds in the
fish conversation i didn’t i didn’t read the twitter
but that is what the subject is the
these fucking birds like
thousands of them fell from the sky
and over a hundred thousand drum fish are dead
and then this guy gets murdered
who is an expert in chemical
warfare and
some guy in there’s all these
these websites connecting him
to to this this fucking dead bird kill
that they were
i mean who knows how much of it is
real and what’s speculative and what’s just conspiracy
conspiracy theory nonsense right
but it’s pretty fascinating
that this guy who’s an
expert in chemical
warfare gets
assassinated
he’s probably responsible
for it and peta is the one that assassinated him
they’re fucked and they are fucked
they make you
eat animals i highly
doubt it but i
think that’s
funny mike young
is he playing this song yeah
come here dog
is that you
that’s not the song yeah that’s what i couldn’t tell
take me back now
funny how time
you need it on that night
running around town now free
you feel real invincible
too cool for school yo i never met the principal
spend every night getting high
the back and eating everything in sight
young with the hunger fast paced no
wanna live a hundred years take me back
when i was a kid
this is a different version is it
yeah this this loop is different
maybe he remastered it
someone else is doing it had
time crushing the feeling such a rush she was
older so she made me
maybe he had a fallout
anyway he had a fallout with the song
sounds like a cracker
a little bit
sounds like
uncle kracker
and those guys that sang that butterfly song if
you want to get online what’s that song
it’s called take me crazy town
crazy it’s like
uncle kracker and
crazy town if
anybody wants to get it online it’s called take
me back it’s mike
young it’s from the
album work in progress
which is a great
album so whenever
you play some sort of
a song like that
for sure you open up the
floodgates of million
angry douchebags all over the internet going
to fucking socks
no socks cock
mike you shut
my feelings
mike young fuck
my girl how many people are out there yelling and
screaming you should
drown in aids on message
boards it’s
gonna be a thing now
that’s all everybody does it’s a
thing for a long time
if you go to the
if you go to the
underground forum or if you go to the rogan
board you know and this is
those are two forms that i go to on a regular basis
eliza are you addicted to them
are you addicted to any kind of web
websites or forums or anything like that i compulsively
check my own facebook page
but d listed
i don’t really
do celebrity gossip but i do like that guy’s writing
yeah he’s fun there’s also one called catalog living
net what it is
hilarious they take
pictures out of catalogs
and it’s these two characters and
if you go to it i’ll show it to you
they make fun of the way
furniture is set up in catalogs
cause they set up
these ridiculous rooms no one
would live like that
right it’s from the
point of view of
these i think it’s gary and
elaine they live in the catalog
and it’s from their
point of view if you just read one
it’s so funny i
checked that what’s it called again cat
it’s just no it’s just catalog living net
do you have a message
board on your website
i think so i don’t
think i’ve ever
checked it but
if you want
to contact me go to facebook or something it’s fine
that’s funny but why do you
how come you don’t want to have your own
thing why would you want to just have it on facebook
like message
boards it’s like
it’s an interesting
thing to be able to have like a whole
group of people that you’re communicating
with and it’s all hosted on your site i think
i think i do facebook
but i also have one there it is i have one for
my web show that we do there’s a
message for that
well yeah what is this web show because
you were guys
you were gonna tell me before the show
started but we decided to wait my
show is called the weekly news
wea koy you’ve been doing that for a while too
how long have you been doing it for
maybe three years and then we took a
break cause we lost our
sponsor and we just got it back it
starts next week and how do people see it
where is it at go to the
stream tv the
stream yeah like
water scram tv
slash weekly
and there’s all
these backlogged episodes and
we get on there
and i just thought it was important to do a show
where it wasn’t some girl just cackling
about kim kardashian
so we talk about
the headlines and what’s in the news and i get into
debates with people and it’s all in good fun
and it’s the weekly news
but if a kim
kardashian subject comes up don’t be afraid of it
i’m not afraid of it fuck
those motherfuckers don’t let them hold
you what am i
to say her names that people hear me saying in the nay
search or i don’t
wanna add to that you don’t
wanna add to it her and her
whole family they’re what’s
wrong with our society
are you sure
positive i thought
it was like weapons and shit we’re doing overseas
with our society
more insular not
so here in the city
the kardashians what’s
wrong with the world
all girls like that
i can’t even i mean you’re probably friends with her
no no no no i’m not friends
with her you
want in my opinion is this
this is not a joke she’s gorgeous by the way
i’ll give her that she’s gorgeous you did it
it’s all these
women that are
uneducated unintelligent
self entitled
did jack crap for anything and now
it’s not even
about the money you have all this notorieting publicity
and there’s nothing to you
and it teaches
women in our society
if you’re just
if you put on some makeup and let someone pee on you
or if you are
not that she’s a gold digger but if you do nothing
and just act like a
total fucking whore
rewards will come
yeah i screw it
higher education
screw integrity
i see your point i don’t see it
in any industry
i also see it though that you got to let the
market dictate
and i think that there’s a
market for a
horse there’s a
market for there’s
a market for
empty people on
television there’s a
market like
they’re players i mean i’m not calling her a
whore she seems like a nice person she got a great ass
what i’m saying is there’s
a market for people
that are trying
to get attention for no reason and they’re doing
absolutely people get fascinated
on them because they’re regular people and they
start following them
and then they become players in
like a legit fucking show that people get hooked up
on and roped into i am part of the problem because i
watch like real
housewives of atlanta
16 months pregnant
i watch all
these i’ve been
watching beverly hills i
watch all of them and i’m so
i’m a part of that problem
but i guess my
thing the beverly hills
don’t be hating that’s all i’m saying
not hating it’s
people are just
gotta let him
let a freak be a
freak you just
gotta let him
just gotta let him and
watch it he’s fascinated
watch sixteen and pregnant i can’t
watch that i can’t
watch that so
gross that one good
chick that has been
beating people she’s been like arrested like
three times if
i was sixteen pregnant i’d be kicking dudes asses too
that shits harry
she’s probably out of her mind what’s wrong with
mtv for doing that shit that’s
those are people
well you know what’s right with
they’re showing it to us
i don’t think it’s
wrong you don’t have
to watch it you know what it
is ever glamorize i
think it’s not glamorizing it man i
think for a lot of people it’s
gonna scare
the fucking
shit out i was always like why are all the girls fat
than a rose
they just said baby
oh you catty woman you oh
really no i’ll give credit if it’s due i mean they were
attractive i said kim kardashian was pretty yes you did
worthless but pretty wow worthless worth less
be pretty and worthless
if someone wants to fuck you you’re worth something
worthless in my eyes because i don’t want to fuck her
oh i want to fuck him from
nor did from alan
about the sister that you like that one
that came one the wig chick you like her i totally have
cigarettes with her and fucking just kidding your
has a type i would choose a type
brian likes a
big i wasn’t
it who wants a big woman that gets on top no
she know how horrible that is wigs get
up boy i hate fake hair that’s just
what if a girl was trying to
choke you while she fucked you
what what if a girl is trying to
choke you i don’t like that shit
i don’t like have you ever
tried to do that yeah
i don’t like
it chokes a boy
yeah there was this girl when i went to a
fight i went to a rave once when i was like 20
and there was
this girl that i took home and the next morning
she or that we had sex but she was trying to
choke me and
the next morning she had no eyebrows they had like
smeared off
and it was like rave her
eyebrows where she had no eyebrows and were
painted on and when she woke up it just
smeared all over her face
she wanted to
she was trying to
choke me the
whole time i was like what the
fuck this chick murdered somebody by now i’ve never
heard of a girl wanting to do i can
understand girls wanting that i’ve
never heard of a girl like
let me choke you yeah
ari’s a big choker ari she’s here
i could see that
every time i
could see that
about ari i can see that
about ari for sure
where austin
yeah austin in this the
whole time he’s just sitting there like
he just met this girl he’s just choking her the
whole time you’re there
in the bedroom
no no no it was
at the comedy
club oh you made it
sound like you were in bed with him i don’t think
it wasn’t like what you talk
about dude he
doesn’t care
i always talk about that
i’m sure he
doesn’t care i don’t
think any guy
would care yeah
but it was just uncomfortable for me because like wow
i can’t do that
i can’t just go up to a girl with like a hand
it’s like your neck
you find when you’re
young if you
date a girl who’s like really into her feet and like
playing with your dick
with your feet you do get like foot fetishes that’s
where they get it from is that where it
starts yeah that’s
where it starts only people are born with it
i don’t know
that’s catalog
going now some of
those are just really if you read
could be both
could be could be you
could have a
bunch of reasons for having some
weird fetish
but that could be one that he just
dated a girl and the sex
was really hot and she liked to get choked so he just
started associating
like choking
people like hot sex
that’s crazy right
i don’t know i don’t
understand i don’t
understand guys that don’t like boobs
that almost offends me
that don’t like like
like i’m more
of a buck guy i don’t really care i’m like how
could you not care
about but that’s so important yeah
i agree yeah i hundred percent
boobs are most what guys are you hanging out with
what guys you hanging that
they’re looking for flaws no no just
i know you got all big
tits and shit but
a lot of guys
like just i hear people talk on tv or male
comics are like i’m more of a buck guy i’m like
what a fucking
waste i don’t get that at all
if i had to choose between one of the
other i would say i’m more of a buckeye what
this is the problem no it’s not the problem i love
breasts as well
but i’ve seen a lot of really
attractive women
that have a
small breast and big ass but you’re looking at
their breast more than you are
their butt it
doesn’t matter it’s aesthetic it’s you know
what do you
think is sexy
i don’t mind girls with
small breasts it
doesn’t bother me
have i said this before
just because you have big
tits that’s all it is and you’re from texas
it’s like a
system it’s in
grain to your system
that’s a big titty
state i love
but between if you had to choose between a girl with
with big tits and a flat ass
a girl with
small tits and a big
juicy ass if she’s
lying if she
has no butt it makes it easier to lie down you can
touch the boobs no no i
hate that flat ass i hate that whose
ass is so flat that it’s really affecting you lazy
people i knew a girl in college that had one of
those flat asses that look like a square
cause very thin girl sometimes
and it was disturbing she had a little
chunk to her that’s what it is
i didn’t want to hang out with her just because
of how uncomfortable her ass made me if you have
an ugly butt it’s different
than a tiny butt
like elephant butts were just like a flat
rhino surface
yes there was this one girl
when we were in high
school this one girl that had this this strangest
body she was like
she was like five feet tall
but she was like
three feet wide and her
shoulders and her hips were equally wide is she a
swimmer no she was just a big girl she was so big
like i remember just like
standing next to her she was so
fucking wide and so big you like this poor kid you know
that’s nothing you can do
about it she’s just
giant bones
she was just like this five foot tall neanderthal
looking fucking freak
tiniest neanderthal in the herd that’s how
small they were
they were all little at one time
all neanderthals were five feet tall like 200
pounds they were totally
built different than us yeah
they look like wolverine from the x men comic book
for real that’s what they looked like was he
short in the comic
book yeah he’s really short
really yeah he’s really
short and yoked
but these things are actually
shorter than him
you know we used to
we talked about this on the podcast didn’t we before
about neanderthals
about why they died off
i don’t know but i bet they have
the best boobs
the reason why they died off is for your sake
because human males fucked the female neanderthals but
human females
wouldn’t let the male neanderthals
fuck them but don’t they rape in pillage isn’t that
their stick
we were kicking
their asses we’re
smarter than them
we made better weapons we’re fucking them up fucking
their women
and then we
just sort of integrated them and the males died off
that’s what happened
well that’s why the frenchers
i say we like it was me like i was a black
man with boys
kicking some
stupid monkey ass
that’s why the french are little
you think yeah
because they’re neanderthals
no that is a part
of france napoleon
has something to do with like all the
strong ones
went off to war and they were so weak all the big guys
died so all the little ones were left over and that’s
wow what a trip
how what a trip because
of any culture i
guess ridiculous
how crazy is that that’s like a real concern some
cultures that
men go off the war and they’ll die off and then
leave like a large
number of females then the
women have to become fucking warriors to try to
fend off invading herds of men
and whatever happened to that old
school like go to war for like
three years and the
chick actually waited for the guy you know
nowadays anything
happened the
second people leave now
world war ii
they were getting
closeted pussy
just like they are
today yeah not so easy now the girl
leaves and she puts it on facebook oh i’m
gonna be lonely for the next
three years
you know how many
fucking messages that
girl gets you cheat
on your boyfriend who’s overseas
you deserve to
die in a sea of aids
right yeah a
sea of aids
definitely what a dumb hooker
right unless
your boyfriend’s a douchebag and didn’t realize it
until he left went to war
and then what you get
stuck there because you want to be a patriot
no but just to
cheat on him just because you’re lonely can generalize
maybe the poor
girl just realized she’s free now just fucking at
maybe i want to
explore my life
and i don’t want to get in a confrontation with
randy because he gets fucking
angry and he
shoots his guns he
has rage issues
shouldn’t say randy when
randy coutures one of my
heroes i should come up with a better name
for my fake person i don’t
think he’s gonna
think you rick
no ronald i don’t know no one
named ronald is tough
is it ronald reagan
a bunch of tough
one right now
ronald get blush
blushy cheeks
think of any
mma guys i know
named ron fuck
ron is different
than ronald ron
but that’s what the real name is you become ron
if you’re ronald
you become nerd no one’s like jack
ronald yeah
ronald or ronnie so you have to pick huh
ronald or ronnie
but this isn’t the same
name isn’t it the
same my mom’s name is ronnie
really and my stepdad’s name is
randy weird hey
are you related to dr dolores
lesinger no you get
that question all the time it’s not
hers has a c i that’s
gotta be annoying as fuck
right it doesn’t happen enough that i’m like upset
about it did they ever
think that you’re her
maybe i get easier
upset that would be worse now
what i said
maybe i get easier
it’s easier to
upset me than you
it happens but it’s not
i don’t for me it used to be like fred rogan
the sports guy you related to fred
rogan but it’s
about i mean there are
worse people to be
asked if you’re related to that yeah
sure fred i’m sure he’s
a good guy no one asks if i’m related to kim zolciak
i’m okay with that who’s that
wig where yeah
like all from the
houses of atlanta
oh now dating a football
player you know her
having a baby you know her last name and
everything well that’s what she goes by and she’s a
song you think she quit smoking
while she’s having the baby no
i bought her cd no
i have tardy for the so
she’s smoking you
think she’s smoking
while she’s pregnant absolutely
that’s hard to see man that is one of the hardest
things to say and she’s a nurse
so you know i saw that in canada
stepped out of me and ari shafir
were way up
and fuck i think we’re in saskatoon somewhere crazy
and yeah it was way on the middle
it’s really interesting
and we stepped out of this restaurant and just
chick their big fucking belly
sitting there smoking a
cigarette i’m like wow
probably trying to do the kid a
favor and get it get rid of it so it
doesn’t have to be born in saskatoon
fuck there’s
people have made the argument that it doesn’t
i mean it’s
stupid that it
doesn’t affect the kid oh it affects the kid
absolutely i
blame that for why i’m fucked up
what my mom smoking
while i was in the womb
yeah that’s all my issues i remember
i remember my friend’s mom smoked and we
would go bowling
every saturday
and she would just sit there with the window
cracked open and just the
smoke would hit me in the face
the whole way to the bowling i remember going
this is the
worst this kid i went to high
school with his mom and dad
chain smoked it was the
creepiest thing you
would go over it was just a
house of death
you’d go over their
house and there was
smoke everywhere it was fucking cold as shit because we
lived in boston you know
so you go over
their house and
their living room was just filled with fucking smoke
it was just you
would walk into
a death cloud like they’re
killing themselves they’re choking themselves to
death my best friend growing up
her parents
were insomniacs that
chain smoked
and so she like come
sleep over my
house and you go home
reeking of cigarettes
are like before a formal she’s like come over to my
house for pictures i’m like
you probably jack from the
nicotine to did you get like did you feel the nicotine
i mean your kids so you’re
already yeah
we have mellow child
what mellow
child he’s trying to get to know you
no no i mean because of all the
cigarettes mellow
child i’m mellow
child no no
from her so relaxed
such a confusing conversation brian bro
yeah i feel really bad for little kids whose parents
smoke and they
smoke around them all the time they get it in
their head that that’s
you know just a part of life you know some people
smoke and shit
maybe i should try to well it is
relaxing and then next
thing you know you’re hooked on the tit to
it is a bizarre
thing that there’s no politicians
calling out for that shit to be illegal is it
bizarre it’s very
bizarre is it
bizarre bizarre
that people
tolerate it four hundred thousand people die
every year from
cigarette smoke and no one
no one is up in arms
what do you mean no one is up in
arms they’re not no one’s up in arms no one’s trying to
stop and no one’s making a part of political campaigns
politicians probably make a lot of
money from private
oh yeah they
definitely do i
think it should be illegal to
smoke anywhere but in your
house like when
i go out to eat even if you’re smoking on the curb
it’s affecting me it’s such
a selfish habit
a legal period
i think even most smokers
would say dude if it wasn’t sold
have you guys made it legal sure
i think you
should be able to do whatever you want to do in your
house you want to
smoke a cigarette i
think you should be able to
smoke a cigarette i
definitely don’t
agree with any sort of nanny
state bullshit
where you can say that
happy meals can’t be
legal because kids get
tricked into eating them because there’s a toy inside
shut the fuck up and parents it’s a goddamn
happy exactly if you want to buy a
happy meal every now and then for a goof
what who gives a shit stop this is nonsense
two people should die out we shouldn’t
i guess it will
yeah i think it is
the government’s job
to protect is not the government’s job to make you eat
right or make
things easier it’s
their job to protect your
right to do whatever the
fuck you want yeah that’s all i just don’t think you
should be able to tell me
i know cigars can give you cancer too and i like a
cigar every now and then
i don’t think you
should be able to tell
me what the fuck to do i want to do what i want to do
the government can’t
tell me not
to smoke but
you shouldn’t be able to
smoke in my face but there
should be some
sort of a way that we can find out what the fuck
those 599 chemicals
that they’ve
added to cigarettes are
first of all because a
bunch of them have been concocted entirely to affect
the addiction process no it’s mostly
spices spices
it’s a certain
menthol smell
it’s angel balls
and now she’s eating it now it’s with dessert it’s the
stuff that they put
installation
you know fiberglass is in
menthols is what they used to always
say remember that
stuff would make you itchy as a kid you
all laid on it
and then you have
oh i remember
that i used to install that shit i used to install
fiberglass the
paint stuff
other kind when i worked as
a labor for doing construction when i was a kid
my father was an
architect so i got a lot of jobs on construction sites
and we used to have
to install a lot of that shit and you just go home just
itching man
everywhere we
would jump on it at
the hardware
stores you get bad
zits too that’s what my attic used to
have in it and i used to just like looking at the pink
panther logo so i
would like jump in there just to look at it and
it looks so
inviting like cotton
candy yeah in
the summer summer in boston and installing that shit
look it’s so hot
there i went to college there and i know
ac in my apartment
it gets wet
it’s like that wet heat that you don’t get here in
california california heats no big deal
it’s a hundred and ten degrees
out here and you like god it’s hot but no big deal
you know it’s a hundred and ten
in boston or new jersey or in the wells it’s just
swamp supposed to be
like in a city
there’s no relief and there’s just steam
everywhere you
know they have bear problems in new jersey
do you know that
new jersey has like they just started
the opening
season on bears now they have bear hunting
you can get
bear hunting in new jersey
and it’s not
like bears they seem like they look
really good
well you don’t realize is a big part of new jersey
apparently is rural
we always think of new jersey is like neural rural
big we always think of new jersey is like newark in
these industrial
areas and these
dumps ship sopranos
do i have a bad accent
no no i just those are weird words newark
newark new jersey like
where i was born
and but a huge part of new jersey just woods you know
and there’s fucking bears are invading into people’s
neighborhoods
and once bears
get addicted to eating out of garbage cans
they know how easy
it is to get the food that way they just go to that
every time because it’s way easier
than killing animals or pulling up roots and shit
so they just
start fucking up people’s garbage and they just
move into neighborhoods
and they have like real problem i show you
funny bear clip
it was on like the tonight show a couple weeks ago
i saw this in the
you know in the new
york cabs in the back they have like little like nbc
video clips you can watch
right i was
in new york couple weeks when i saw this just put
hey what are you doing bear
it’s literally ten
seconds and it’s the funniest
thing ever people
should look at it
they named a
whole segment
after it this
this is the top one there’s
gonna be a thing
where i keep looking for it hey what are you doing bear
hey what are you doing there
what and what is it
it’s this farmer
and he is here it is this one watch this
oh i know what you’re talking about
it’s not a farm he’s a hunter
stand yeah a farmer
hunters i’m totally
kidding it’s close
well maybe vote for it until he gets here
well anyway what it is is this bear decides to
climb up this ladder where this guy is hunting
she’s really scary
and he scares it off this one’s quicker
wow bears are highly intelligent
and that’s not this this
that’s a different one
yeah that’s a that’s okay
it’s almost the same thing though
i don’t understand why this is
just get it like to the anyway the bear
this is the best podcast ever i hate when people
can’t find the clips and then they’re like just wait a
second and then it’s not
funny and then
their internet sucks
here comes yeah
and then just watch
the bears looking up the ladder
there’s a bear at the bottom of this tree stand
and now the bear is climbing up the tree stand
a ladder here it comes
yeah it’s a ladder but it’s a tree stand
the bears climbing halfway up right now
oh my god say
something dude hey what are you doing there
what are you doing there
what the fuck
how lucky is he that that bear does not know what’s
going on and just run away
was fucking
crazy hey what
are you doing there and there’s like i made mistake
wrong house there’s a guy that’s pretty relaxed
yeah that guy’s
relaxed around
screaming like
a bear was halfway up
the fucking ladder before he said anything
he was hoping the bear was
gonna change its mind
that’s crazy you don’t
get real big
when a bear comes you just have to reason with it
bears respond
to logic if
unless they have
their babies with them and then they’re
gonna eat your asshole
growing up in
texas they go asshole
first asshole
first and they’ll eat you out from the inside
growing up in
texas did you do a lot of hunting
like a lot of no
i’m jewish we don’t
hunt for bargains
you know what i did used to do my friend lauren
her parents were into something called like reenactment
shootings and they would
dress up in like period costumes like like
early or late 19th century cowboy attire and we
would go out to like
the middle of nowhere and like frisco before it had
houses there
and they would have little towns set up and they
would do timed events
shooting like rifles
and you’d get awards at the end and we
would just sit
there in the back of a suburban and
drink dr pepper
and watch her parents do this
every sunday
damn like 6 am
and they had like cowboy names and
it was like a little community
holy shit and i wish we got to
shoot guns wow
awesome yeah
it’s like a cowboy version of
dungeons and dragons or something yeah
it’s kinda like
civil war reenactments but there’s no
shooting back
those things and like
civil war reenactments and i don’t get him
i don’t get him either i don’t i don’t get the
i guess i get the renaissance
thing a little
bit more renaissance fair it seems like they’re
yeah that’s when they
go they’re having fun the food is so good
the civil war
thing is like
ridiculous though because
are you just running
like around with the gun
i don’t think so i
think they plan out the war
yeah what did plan out like battles like this is when
these guys came over the hill
and it’s like an accurate
do you have
to do it according to what happened i
believe so i
think that’s what directions
well i think
they’re just pretending they’re really doing it in
real history and they’re getting a boner for it this is
weird big old
civil war box it’s fucking
weird man running around with fake bullets and you’re
shooting blanks and shitting
as a kid though
watching that was really cool
and it showed you
that something that you normally used to have books for
now you can just be a
video game i wonder how
often those
civil war reenactments i wonder how
often people get actually shot
it’s like oh i thought
these were all
blanks like
you didn’t like some
fucking sly psycho
who just said i’m just
gonna go and i’m
gonna shoot somebody and i’ll
say it was an accident i thought it was thought it was
blank they’ll
never know it with all
the same gun they won’t know it’s for me yeah and they
would have to figure out who shot the real bullet it’s
brandon lee
dude law and order
yeah the brendan lee
thing right oh yeah
yeah that always
scary yeah it’s fucking terrifying
that they changed the rules now
you know because of that
movie you’re not allowed to
point a gun at a person
when you’re in a gun
scene and you’re
shooting at them you
not allowed to
shoot a blank at the person you have to
point away from them so the prop
guy just loaded in a real bullet on accident
i don’t think so i
think there was something in the casing that wasn’t
exploded wow
something in
it was like there was something
stuck on the top of it
i think that’s what it was it was like
set and it acted
as a projectile and it shot him and it was at really
close range i
think too i thought
about that and
i’ve always thought
about that as like a
horrible way to go and then i realized i can’t even get
callbacks so i don’t
think being shot on set is like an
issue of mine yet
like you’re not
gonna be that picky
when i first came to
california it was like 1994 there was a guy
who i was working with whose friend had
committed suicide accidentally
on a set because they had a blank gun
and he didn’t know that you couldn’t just put a
blank gun up to your head and pull the
trigger you can’t
no it blows your
brains out with the fucking wow
yeah i never knew that i
wouldn’t have done it but
he took this in
front of everybody
and he’s like hey look at this
boom and he fucking blows his
brains out the
force in the air of the gun
wow what an
awful way he probably didn’t die
right then he probably
died like minutes
later but hemorrhaged
big hole in his head went down
started hemorrhaging
they bring him to the hospital dead
yeah i wish
i was on youtube
fuck you ever see the budwire
have you ever seen there
budwire was
a he was a politician do you want to
watch it yeah
oh my god budwire was a politician i believe it
was in pittsburgh and he was corrupt and he got caught
and he they called a
press conference and
and he pulls out a
forty four magnum in the
press conference and blows his
brains out oh yeah
sad no it’s
gonna freak you the fuck out
maybe we’ll find
out what you’re made of if you’re an ice princess you
might just look at this and go yeah fuck him
fuck bud dwyer
yeah i’m sorry
it’s not about you right now
she’s stuffed
where’s greg
is that him yeah looks like alpha hitchcock yeah yes
where’s johnson so he wants everybody in the room
and he’s got an envelope he’s planning this yes oh yeah
watch this here he opens the envelope
watch this
greg where are you right here look at this okay
just hang on to that right for the moment
he hands out some letters
and then he pulls out the gun
watch this shit when i and i
please leave the moment as well
this will hurt someone
oh my god
settle down
don’t panic please don’t panic shit don’t panic
i almost started crying
someone call the ambulance
i hate that
yeah that wasn’t cool why would you want to watch that
yeah that was
in the movies there’s not even that much
blood gushing out
well but in the movies aren’t really accurate but you
would think a movie would do more
right it’s always exacerbated
everything’s always bigger
i’ve never seen
blood gush out
of someone’s nose like that yeah it’s horrendous i’m so
sad now really
well bud’s in a better place now
probably not maybe so
probably the comedy
story he’s in the basement
he’s in the basement doing abortions oh i hate him
he was pregnant at the time
that’s why it’s terrible
that’s why he killed himself oh god i hated that yeah
i know it’s a trip to
think that the spectrum of
human behavior is that vast
that there’s people that
their life is so fucked beyond prepared their
brain is so fucked
their emotions are
so fucking damaged
everything just so much pain
they just wanna
stick a tube of
metal in their
mouth and just
end it all playing
that’s one of
those haunting
videos that will
always be in my head
the woman getting hit by the
train is another one the guy getting fucked by the
horse the guy
watch that that
would make me feel better monkey
yeah pull up two guys one
horse calm my
ear hurts now cause i’m
watching that well the two guys
like this com
this is what i was talking
about with the
movie zoo yeah
they really
changed the law because
of this so what happened was i can’t wait to watch it
this guy died
and then they interrogated his friends and they
found out about this
farm and they went there and there was over a hundred
hours of video
of guys getting
fucked by animals and this is on the documentary yeah
well they don’t show it in the documentary
the documentary is like
most of it is like reenactments and you
know kind of describing
everything that
happened when it went down but it’s just so fascinating
especially from the
point of view of the people who were
living there
because you
know these people are like in love with animals i mean
they’re really there’s something
going on that’s not right
can i ask a question before we start this
when whoever
built this website was like webmastering it
do you think it’s
weird to be like
hey hey can you don’t
phone how do i get that jpeg of the
horse runner i
think you’d be really cute on this website
you know it’s a pony is it from clip art like
where do i get this
i think it’ll
compliment the horse cock
really well from a website from like 1986 put
two of them on
the two of them
are go crazy
i’m a horse cock joke this is obviously okay
now this is
gonna be fun
to watch your face i
wanna watch for a
second i don’t
wanna get by the way
this is a hundred percent real
is he doing that himself no no there’s another guy
this is yeah that’s why it’s two guys one
horse that’s a guy’s arm
look how he’s holding it to try to keep it from
going in too far that’s my favorite part
oh jesus christ is this what kills him yep
look at that do you hear what he’s saying too much
is that a intestine no that’s a horse dick
and that kills him right there listen to this oh god
they were saying
he came he came
like all excited that the
horse came oh
vile that killed that guy yeah
the guy who’s in that
video is a guy
that used to go by the name of mr hands don’t throw up
you can do this eliza
you got through the
whole last comic
standing black
my neck’s really hot
not like it turned on william
what are you doing bro
i was trying to cheer her up with lemon parties oh
blue waffle what blue waffle the waffle
blue waffle i think i
think i know you blue waffle
watch google that shit blue waffle
it’s like the
20th image now you have to images and what is it
just a really gross picture
oh my god on
google images
blue waffle
oh whoa whoa
can you even call it a vagina
that’s photoshop of busted vagina wow i
think some girls with their vagina get that out of hand
looks like the no that’s not out of hand that’s
like ebola that
looks like the predator got in a car accident
and then drown and then drown
actually i wonder if i
could ever jerk off to that picture
if i really tried hard
if you had to if i
had your eyes
closed well if you only have to come like a little
dribble you
could probably pull
yeah you can yeah you can
yeah yeah you can
you can what are you talking
you’re not turned on yeah i mean you can’t control
it like consciously but different factors do yeah
how hard your comes more
becomes more
guys barely turned on you
like it will
i challenge this
no it’s no it’s a fact if a guy’s not turned on
yeah if you’re
jerking off to a
picture of a fucking diseased vagina
you’re not gonna get a full
reaction it’s gonna
get as much
come as you
would if you were
super turned on no no no
no i can show you
i can show you
fuck you and
everything’s
gonna work out
this has all been a plot
by brian look see
watch brian
don’t do that
brian this is disrespectful
she’s a girl you can’t do that this kid
that’s not cool
for the folks
listening on itunes
brian just pulled out a big rubber penis
aimed it at me which you can’t do on a movie set
brian we’re we’re number three number seven
and number twenty nine
in the top thirty podcast did you get that
email yeah that’s pretty
sweet yeah we just all the episodes downloaded episodes
yeah so everybody that’s tuned into podcast
thank you very much and
thanks for all the positive emails and twitters and
this is a lot of fun to do and we enjoy doing it and we
enjoy having people like eliza
come on is it over
very polite dog no we’re gonna
keep this rolling
we said that time
no i just wanted to say thank you to people i
have to wait till the end
if somebody said talk
i don’t know what people are
tweeting you see now someone’s back as i said something
about saskatchewan i’ll back it up
just don’t listen to them you can’t
you can’t be disconnected why you making the machines
control you lucy
the machines controlling you man
that was a good way to connect
is a good way to connect it is a good way to connect
you know just don’t want to connect all the time
because then you’re gonna
eventually it’s gonna they’re gonna invade
all aspects of your personal
world the robots will take over well there’s
gonna be some sort of a you know hey you know a camera
where you can you know see two views
the view of you and the view that you see of the world
and you can choose to
share these views with people
that’s what’s gonna happen
you can have your own little fucking
internet tv channel
and it’s your life
and you know people some people let them see
everything yeah you’ll
see you know
you can see out when i’m
washing myself but you can’t see back you can’t see me
naked like people will draw the line
and which cameras are
gonna keep i’ve already done that i mean
you already have it
really someone’s taking showers and
shit with cameras on them and move oh yeah my little
sister yeah
my stepmom song
that it’s called something like roulette
no no but chat roulette
chat roulette
and that’s totally
different you know but that’s dudes pulling
their dicks out
that’s why it’s chat really
uncomfortable my stepmom was telling me
about this bet on
black she goes
she goes and i went on to
emily’s my step
sister wanted
emily’s computer
and i could see her and her friends looking and
i didn’t know what they were looking at and i went in
their room they were on chat roulette
and they were looking at some guy’s cock
i was like you said cock
for no reason
she was like it was just a big cock
and i was like
get out of here
i think half of chattley
roulette is that
i’ve never seen i don’t know
what’s cool
is they have an iphone version and i was one of the
few people to download i actually have a bit
about this how it was one of the few people
to download it and then they pulled it off the itunes
store so you can’t download it anymore
there’s like a good
20 000 people that downloaded that app that
still use it cause it
still works
but now it’s
but now there’s no new people so you just
start recognizing
penises and
you’re like oh
there’s jim again yeah
is that his wife in the
background so
when they pull it they can’t take it off your
phone it will
still work it will
still work yeah
yeah well how
come no one’s figured out a way to get it back to the
phone i don’t know because i’m getting to everybody’s
phone getting
tired of looking at the same car
it’s repetitive
that if you ever done that facetime thing oh yeah
how’s that was that facetime
if you had an iphone you
could call me and do a video is that
dig at me cause i’m not sure
yeah i think it’s
good yeah cause can you do facetime
do you have to have a wi fi connection though
yeah yeah you have to have a wi fi connection
with that t mobile phone the new one that
doesn’t have wi fi but has the 4g or whatever it’s i
don’t think what is it
i don’t know if it’ll work in anything other than
apple phones but what is this two way
video chat i think it only works apple
i think you got skype now you have skype
video now just grill released on the
same thing as skype yeah so it’s nothing sexual right
skype video so you can do the same
thing as this yeah and it’s
gonna be more universal skype video is actually 3g
it’s not wi fi
a video so the jerking off is back on don’t
is that what it is a lot of that yeah
a lot of two way jerking off yeah
is there a way to record it
oh so we could secretly record brett favre’s dick
while he’s two way turning off totally
that’s not his dick i don’t
think it’s his dick no why’d you say that because
i mean it was great
to see that
it was his dick i’ve had sex with brett favre
maybe everyone needs to know ever after he had
practice when he was really tired
he barely gets it up
it just looks like it was his i just
you’ve imagined
it different right
i’ve in my dreams how
would you imagine brett farms cock to be like a war it
would have shoulder pads
and war pads gladiator cock
you like to
think of your
superheroes as having superhero wieners it’s
kind of a trip when you see a dude with gray hair out
there playing professional football and you’re like hmm
really what
the hell’s going on here
what’s going on how are you doing this how are you
he’s not old though he just has gray hair is
forty something
old for a professional oh yes
imagine what his balls look like nope
there’s old
people in athletics
that are able to compete somehow or another
after age forty
there’s not that many it’s pretty fucking small
yes quarterbacks
come they’re not as
there is nothing with impact as a
quarter you got
linebacker they get nailed
but it’s not
as often as like a
yes a bigger
guy but when they get nailed they get nailed
extra hard because they’re like a little bonus
you know take out the
quarterback people get
excited to do that call the
quarterback fact joe yes
just let you know
they’re gonna change football though
folks they’re
gonna put fucking
sensors and can’t in
their helmets
they’re gonna they’re
gonna find out
what kind of impact people get
i thought you mentioned
they couldn’t
curse they bleep it
like if they were airing it from their
point of view
like i’m gonna hit football
now that the football has a real
issue with head injuries
a lot of these guys are getting like
really massive
brain damage and then as their
older men they’re
just fucked up they’ll get lou gehrig’s disease
they have all
these issues they eventually become paralyzed
some of them
their body just
just eventually
shuts down and it’s from continued head
trauma sure
smashing their head into
these fucking
helmets and so they’re
gonna start
making them wear these
sensors that detect what kind of impact they get
they can do it for hockey
probably not
cause more body impact yeah
hockey they slam into each
other and everybody
slides around too you know
it’s like it’s probably better to be on ice when you’re
slamming into each
other because even though they hit you really hard
there’s all
there’s it’s
slippery you’re not
dug into the ground like you are like in a football
field where it’s dirt
and you’re running and you’re running it absorbs
yeah i guess more impact
is stationary
yeah i just feel like you move
i mean that’s why i like hockey
fights don’t seem as
dangerous i mean sometimes guys get fucked up in hockey
fights i saw a guy but it’s another guy
with his own helmet
oh that’s not
right it was
an accident but it happened that’s douchey move
it got caught
everybody knows supposed to take the gloves off
and you circle
and then you go at it you don’t be hitting people with
their fucking helmet
that’s no but yeah that’s weak shit
there’s nothing
worse i will say this i just remember playing
sports in high
school there’s nothing
worse than when you
you aim to hurt someone
but you accidentally
hurt them in a way you didn’t intend to
and it looks more
aggressive than you meant
and that’s when you’re like guys i didn’t mean to
punch her in the mouth
i meant for it and
it was an accident and it gets caught
and you so you are like a
super competitive person
you’re there
throwing in
cheap shots no
did you throw
cheap shots on girls in lacrosse
i got a lot of yellow cards did you
oh my nickname you wanted my nickname was butcher
because i was
defense i took it very seriously oh you’re mean so you
would you hit them with their
sticks hit them with the
sticks and shit
really i’m not supposed to
and but not like do it anyway
right just a little love tap like get out of my tap
hit him with a
stick like i
was hitting bitches with sticks man
she was playing lacrosse she was hitting
chicks with
sticks from
texas one of my
worst members from high
school i got a red card you know what you
would be into
you would be into martial arts
have you ever done any martial arts
you are so aggressive
that would be such a good
thing for you
i would love to take
something just so i
could back like
when something like a girl is a
bitch in a nightclub i
would be able to back up my shit talking well you don’t
wanna fight
no but sometimes you’ll feel confident enough
it’ll be better because you won’t be
worried about it i
would never get in a
fight but i
would like that
confidence to
know that i
could handle it
i just mean for just getting all this energy out of you
you mean the elliptical 20 minutes a day isn’t
gonna do it it’s not
gonna do it
no you need to hit something you need to hit something
where should i go
well we’ll talk
afterwards tell me
where you live
cause you don’t want to tell all
these fucking freaks
these online people are listening
no but can i tell
you something yes
speaking of
where you live somebody
sent this to me i’ll give you the address right now
somebody sent
this to me there’s a website you can go to
there’s probably a
bunch of these here it is
it’s called
spokio com spoka com
and you can type in your name
and your name will come up
where you live don’t say this
no no you can
block yourself i took myself
off of it this morning that’s what i’m telling you
anyone they’ll tell you how much your
house is worth okay let’s talk
about this later no people
should take themselves off okay people are
gonna find you if they want to find you oh yeah
it’s 2010 right
eleven now but you
should you should
block yourself
yeah you shouldn’t promote this
i was pissed because they said my
house was worth less than it was
those cunts
yeah so don’t tell me
where you live on the air but afterwards
i’ll find a
place that’s near you i don’t
want to get kicked in the shins we’re hitting the boob
well or in the
mouth they have
protection for all of us that
is stun gun
but really the best
thing for a girl to
learn is jiu jitsu
because jiu
jitsu is not really reliant
on strength it’s really more reliant on technique
so you could actually subdue a man
like you could
choke a man
like that my friend felicia she weighs
about 130 pounds
and she fucks men up all the time she’s a
black belt and men it’s so frustrating for men
there’s nothing they can do
is it pressure point
no it’s just
it’s technique it’s
chokes and arm locks and
stuff like that but
you do it correctly
so if you get attacked by a
rapist you will grab him and
throw him on the ground and
start rolling around with him so
you know what i
wanna learn
small joint manipulation that shit
doesn’t work yeah
no dudes will let you
break their fingers and
still punch you in the face
doesn’t work
believe me when adrenaline’s flowing you’re not even
gonna feel that finger oh it’s not for fights
just being annoying
doesn’t really work
people pull
their hand away not
my fucking hand back no
that you have to be
smart i only pick on people weaker than me we’re
weaker than you and then are your friends
you pull them into your web and
break their fingers
fucking you some
weird maneuver
see you’re a
competitive person and this is like it’s all natural
and it’s just
it’ll help you so much
if you just fucking
punch a heavy bag or do a jiu jitsu
class something
he’d be so much more relaxed
i would love to i
would love to take something like that
it’s fun it’s fun you’ll do it
that’s not a thing
have you ever
tried yoga i have done yoga i like to move
that’s very i don’t
enjoy meditating and
stuff like that that’s very hard for me
but yoga is not just
meditation it’s just
the ability
to relax in these
really uncomfortable positions i like that hold
and strengthen
good for you though
it is good for you but you can
there i do it rarely though i talk a lot of shit
but if i take one yoga
class a month it’s a lot
i do it when on my own like before shows i always
do it yeah it
helps you warm up stretch out i’ll go with a friend
relax my body i like green tea
green tea massages
no just green tea
green tea what you fucking going
does it it’s kinda
energized it’s got some
caffeine in it i
think but i don’t
think it’s like
as much as a cup of coffee or anything i think it’s
less than that but it’s probably healthier for you
you know it’s a shit yerba
mate you ever had that oh this tastes bad
maybe throw some
honey in there
it’s an interesting
tea because it gives you a different kind of
stimulant it’s different than the
caffeine sort of coffee stimulant
it’s a little
clearer little
clear headed it’s
not as buzzy it’s not as fucking yeah let’s go fucking
start a business
i’ve made some fucked up decisions high on coffee
you know cause coffee will get you
motivated to do shit i don’t
wanna leave this room with started business
i fought in a tournament once when i was a kid
i was delivering newspapers and i was
i’d been injured and i wasn’t
training and i decided the day of
that i was gonna fight in the tournament
after i ate two donuts and
drank a big cup of coffee and i was fucking wired
and i’m like i wanna go
fight and so i entered into this tournament
just because of coffee
totally yeah i wanna
wanna being like really big tournament for me
it was a us open
i drink a red bull before i go on stage
is it a us open yeah
vc no oh i’ll tell you a
joke i was a
taekwondo us open
it was i would have
never even fought if it wasn’t for the coffee
coffee just had me so convinced that it was a fun
thing to do let’s go fucking do this
you should be
doing that well back then i was
competing so it was really the only reason why i wasn’t
gonna fight in the tournament is that i had an injury
but the injury like it kind of
healed itself over the week that i had off and i just
two fucking boston
cream donuts
which is like who knows how many
insane grams of
sugars in there and a giant
thing of dunkin donuts coffee one of
those big ones like a 16
ouncer you just crap your
brains out afterward
explosions your
asshole just opens up
and it just
the way it comes out too it’s so easy
it just all comes out
you know what sucks
on this kind of on the same thing
i did one of
those things
where you go
to the bathroom before you get in the shower you don’t
flush the toilet
because you don’t want the shower to change the
water and i left it there my cat has been
drinking out
shut the fuck up
wait can i tell you something
that doesn’t do if you
a lot of houses aren’t made that way anymore
what a lot of
apartments and
stuff aren’t rigged so that your pipe
yeah well i’m not
fancy mcfans or something no
my building’s old i’m just saying
that doesn’t always happen
you might want to flush
no no like when i
flush it changes
the water everywhere
at my house
the whole water
the water’s
freezing how
long does it stay freezing
months like
like 45 seconds that’s
ridiculous that’s
ridiculous oh yeah
it’s kind of an
old ass 50s
fucking engineering
whole house
in polio yeah
anyways the cat got in it and
i don’t know
what happened but i came outside and there’s just
like paul shit
everywhere oh god
jesus so then i didn’t
have anything to
clean it up with
except windex and pledge
it’s a clean shit
it smells better you know
i squirted on there and
the wind actually
cleaned a lot
but then the next day i was just like looking at my
floor these little white dots
everywhere on the floor you can see it looks like a cat
ghost walked it
oh disgusting
disgusting it’s
awful yeah there’s nothing
quite like a turd that you forget
about and then you come back to it the next day
you realize you have to
flush it and it has been sitting there stewing
maybe you took a shit
while you’re on the phone you didn’t want to
person to hear the flushing in the
background you want person to know you’re a
human i take so many dumps i’m on the phone
that’s why i take some of my best
phone conversations
have you ever had your your like
girlfriend or wife or whatever like i
like two months ago walked in and she forgot to
flush and had one of those like what oh my
jesus looking at her and it was like a
huge joe idea
shit inevitable
it’s inevitable
i hate that why are we talking about poop
people drop logs son it’s a part of life
that’s what my daughter talks about
calls it now she’s two and a half
she calls it dropping logs oh my god that’s so
funny cause they keep telling her did you drop a log
did you drop a log in your potty she’s like i’m
dropping logs
i tricked my vlog
back and forth i tricked my vlog back
and forth when kids find out what’s funny
and what makes you
laugh they just repeat it over and over again
so she has i like how comics yeah very similar
really the same
thing it’s fair
is that a fucked up thing when
someone goes to see you and you know they’re
going to see the same show like the next night i get
weird about
it yeah i almost want to be
like as i’m telling the joke be like and you probably
blanche come here
as i’m saying it i
want to stop and be like look i know you know what i’m
gonna say but if you
could just be
quiet for everyone else
she’ll sit on your lap
yeah that’s a
we’re like i’ve talked
to people before shells i go dude
we love you so much we’ll come to see you
every night do you have shows like yikes
what i gotta open
every show totally different and makes
my material up and fuck i can’t tell the same jokes
yeah over and over
again with the same timing
it takes a long ass time of repeating a joke
to to get it
effortless to the
point where it looks like you’re
thinking it up on the moment yeah
you know and
when someone sees behind the curtain like that two
nights in a row
yeah it’s weird it’s weird
i’ve had people yell out a
punchline before oh that’s brutal
i hate that
because you get so nervous to take that
pause that you
need for whatever your joke is just for timing sake
and then they’re like
goats and you’re like
yeah that’s
such a douchey move and
the problem is with youtube
like your material gets
online it takes like a long ass time to develop a joke
yeah people don’t know it starts off
starts off as like it’s something in
funny in this or something
funny in this
right i mean that’s how i always
started out like what the fuck is
funny in this there’s something
funny in this
and a lot of times i’ll have a
bunch of different
ideas different ways to go that i’ve written out
but it takes a long ass time to figure out
which way i’m
gonna go with
it i have to do it over and over and over again
so if someone gets a hold of it like in that process
and then puts it up on youtube and then everybody
watches it and then they come to the show
and they yell out your plunge
log yeah they just
they just double triple fucked you and they but
they they’re not doing it to be dicks like they’re so
excited to be there they just that’s
tough yeah there’s a lot of that and there’s
some people that are just douchebags and they fuck up
everything they
touch and they just can’t help it people just that
point they are man that’s true you can get some
toxic people
i get people that come up to me
after and they’ll
reference a joke i did not 20 minutes
earlier and i
take myself so serious on
i won’t realize that they’re
referencing it
and i’ll be like i have a bit
about that they’re like i know that’s why i just talked
about that i’m like oh
right do you guys want a
t shirt that’s
funny you sell merch yeah
what does t
shirt say a
bunch of them do you have any sexy ones
you like girl
i don’t should do that did you buy that do what like
daisy duke back from the
old dukes of hazzard days
oh yeah get a
t shirt with my face on it yeah
some some if you go to my facebook page you can see my
album cover it’s not sexy but there’s many
because you’ve got some look like you you have glamour
shots online i saw some that’s my
album cover yeah your
album cover
like super super
super glamour shot
i mean it was supposed to be like an 80s glamour
shot thing oh
that’s what exactly it looks like
so no that’s not the one i’m talking about
yeah i like that that’s powerful
i like that
eliza live i just this
your cd this out
right now yeah it’s on itunes you can get it on itunes
yeah itunes the dvds coming out and if
you’re anti
apple where
else can they get it can i get it on my website amazon
your website go to
liza iliza com
powerful do
you actually sell it as a physical cd or i have them
yeah printed i just got them
isn’t it crazy that those
still exist
yeah you know what i saw the
other day it’s
called a drop card do you know what this is no
my friend showed this to me
it’s a card you pay me for the cd i give you
this card and it’s so you take it home and you download
it with a code so it’s like a free download like a gift
card okay yeah
drop card that’s cool
that is cool
you know do you
think i mean it’s only a matter of time before
solid state
media just disappears
right like actual
physical media like a physical dvd or physical
right most people
don’t buy cds anyway
no and i don’t buy cds anymore i stopped
everything on itunes i just buy them to use it snort
cocaine was just
so badass dude
you know what i love
when i’m in a fucking like there was
a song the other day i couldn’t figure out who it was
and so i put up that shazam
thing oh i have that yeah
for folks who don’t know it’s a program that lets you
play there’s a music
playing in the
background you
press shazam it listens to the music
sends the information now tells you
who sung the song what the song’s
title is and
she has a link
that you could buy it on itunes
right there and you
can play it
you can play it
right there too you can play it
just press play
and it’s playing on your
phone it’s fucking incredible it’s the craziest
thing ever i’ve just been
buying songs like that and just add them to my iphone
oh i love this song bam
is there a way on apple
an apple on itunes
when i download
music to work out i always like to
do like top
forty like what’s on the
radio is there a way you can
search on itunes like top
forty hip hop songs
and it’ll bring it up yeah yeah
absolutely probably
yeah well all
you have to do is look at the top ten lists and
stuff like that you know like
maybe like just in hip hop i don’t want like billboard
i want absolutely
you’re into hip hop what kind of
do you like do you like old shit like gangsta
it’s uh gangster it depends
anyone hit wonder
within the realm of hip hop r and b
rap for the last 15 years i know
right more of a
radio per i love the
radio do you like d antwoord
have you ever
heard of d antwoord
you haven’t
heard of d antwoord
that’s the best oh
shit throw on the the
video dude the fucking okay
what is that
first video
no no no the
first video the
first video that
launched them
i’m a ninja no it’s not i’m a
ninja the next one is it funny
yeah it’s a trip
yeah it’s awesome
just like dirty we
always we always overdo
this video but it’s so good yeah
put on the zep
side one she’s got to see this shit yeah
check this shit out
go full screen
gonna be a guy
shooting himself no no
he’s gonna race that
no dj arctic lives with his granny
and then i live
with my mom and dad on the road and then yolandi lives
are they welsh
in south africans
for how long
forever yeah
for very long
since we were small
and you decided to do this why
is this recent
well dj i think makes
like he owns a
piece of computer
okay makes like next
level beats and
basically like i got some serious like
gangsta skillion
on the mark
are you rap yeah
are they being serious
oh fuck you here we
go yo dj hot deck
drop the motherfucking beatbox dog
bring that next level shit
talking about check it out
come on this is the trippiest
shit you’ve ever seen in your life it’s pretty awesome
these guys are the shit the person that made the
video knows what the fuck they’re doing
fuck yeah they do
it’s so hard this has to be a joke
no that’s not a joke
i met a badass band i met them they were on the
jimmy kimmel live
yeah they’re badass bands oh this is good
this is like some hipster
shit oh no are you kidding i love them
they’re fucking badass
they have a
bunch of badass songs yeah it’s a
tough accent
what kind of rap do you like you like all top
forty shit what
do you like i just like whatever’s on the
whatever’s on a hip hop station
right now i know
wow i just like
rap and hip hop
oh okay and
whatever is on
i only know
radio edits of songs i don’t know if there’s a
curse word i don’t know it
cause i listen
to the radio
that’s the only kind of
music you listen to really
in the car a lot
it’s an excuse like in the car
you can only get top
forty you never know who’s
listening and on my ipod i don’t like listening to it
unless i’m working
out so i only like fast songs i can work out to
like girl talk or something i don’t know
i’ve been hearing a lot of
girl talks good yeah
i’ve been hearing a lot of
people saying that podcast is the best for working out
nowadays because it’s like you’re not getting lost in
music and bored you know
i always stop and take it out and
switch it if it’s a bad song
ruins your workout i got
a lot of twitter messages from dudes who listen to us
when they’re doing
workouts and driving
too a lot of driving people see i cannot listen to
music i couldn’t listen to someone talk really
i’ve listened to a
bunch of lectures
and i’ve listened to a few podcasts
too i listened to a cool graham hancock podcast
a little bit recently
i was listening to that
while i was driving around
to be able to
focus off over the
sound of my
heart bursting out of my
chest while i run
so you can only listen to
music as i was saying yeah you
gotta get something to get me going
yeah i hear what you’re saying when
you’re working out yeah you know what else works that i
found this out two days ago i was at
the gym and they had the tvs attached to the treadmill
they were on the nature channel and i was
watching a cheetah
run down a gazelle
and they slowed it
down and i got so into it because you don’t know what’s
going to happen and i
found myself
going faster
watching this cheetah and it was
super animalistic and it got him in the end
and i was happy for him i felt bad for the antelope
well you know what
that antelope had to die eventually
yeah i think he’s
gonna live forever and cure cancer
you don’t know that i know those
antelopes they
never do shit
they just eat
they eat and poop
that’s all they do nothing gets done in the antelope
world just running around
running from cheetahs and shit all they do is just run
it was a rush oh that’s
did you see that
video that someone put online of
african hunters like
recent within the last 50 60 years like i believe the
video from the 60s
of hunting with spears
hunting elephants and
hippos with spears
dude it is a fucking
trick i don’t
wanna just the
hippos the most
dangerous animal
in the animal oh
yeah you know they’re giant pigs
i did not know that yeah they’re really
pigs yeah hippos are in the pig family
they’re giant fucking mean pigs that eat people
are they fucking is it
mass eye warriors of the videos of
i don’t know what the name of the warriors are
no they were wearing a merit like
they were wearing like
t shirts and
shit because we gave them to them probably yeah
yeah we gave
them to him in exchange for filming them fucking up
these hippos
ocean spears
if you want to find it good go to twitter com
joe rogan this
thing was recorded on
january 4th
and so i’m pretty sure i put it up on january 3rd
you should you should
check it out because it’s a trip it’s it’s so hard to
watch it’s really
freaky because they
it takes a long ass time to kill an elephant with
spears sure
that sounds awful yeah
they all like they all work together like the
whole tribal
work together to take down
these animals so they have like you know
literally thousands of people circling
these animals
when they’re choking them off
they make this big circle and then they
force the animals into the center and then they
spear him to
death i guess they got to eat
they got to eat
there’s no other way to do it yeah
they have they have no options
let me just go to the store
right i don’t
think we’ll just
do it why don’t you have electricity yet
you’re so stupid
it’s amazing that they really are
still living the way they
lived thousands of years ago
i went to africa
i’ve been a couple times and we went on a safari
and you get to like hang out
with the masai warriors and
like see how they live and like obviously you pay them
and they give you a tour and a little bit of it’s fake
but there’s
sanctions like in the
serengeti they can’t go around killing
lions and stuff so
they have to eat like normal like they can’t do it
you have to be a
super rural
tribe to do that
like a lot of them even though they live
in that land they’re not allowed to kill the animals
so the ones that are
super rural they are allowed to
there’s no one
like regulating that but like
closer to like
where like the capitals or wherever we were
where more tourists go
wow they’re not allowed to
there’s a great
story not a
great story but a fascinating
a terrible story okay
terrible story
there was a guy who was on
safari and he
was in a shower and two lions came in and killed him
and dragged him out of the shower
wow that is terrible
could you fucking imagine taking a shower
what you know what man he’s on some
safari on a hunting
safari you saw that
movie hangover
that’s new that
movie hangover when he walked into the
there was a
tiger in the bathroom
yeah it’s totally same
thing brian
totally what
you do is you just say hey what are you doing there
yeah and then they go and then
they got a briefing
com about hey
what are you doing there wow
that guy that’s the guy that has seen a lot of bears
that’s so funny
that was me
you would see dripping
from the piss coming out of my ankles
long before
the fucking bear
got to where he was i
would be raining i was peeing on that bears head
joe have you seen
these helmets that these
motorcycle jacket guys
wear nowadays like my friend he took off his helmet
and it had like this big
glass part over it
and then he just put it up
and then he had like this sunglass
thing that goes
you know comes down
it opens that up
and he’s just blaring his iphone
music and i’m like what is that the
whole thing is like a bluetooth
stereo cone like he says that he puts it
on oh my god
then what happens if he can’t hear fucking
he can’t hear
anything that’s not
it’s like he’s like being in tron
he’s like you’re just
that guy’s crazy that’s a helmet
yeah it’s a helmet he’s cutting out one of his
senses and took a
photo of it because it’s illegal
to have an ipod on or earphones on in your car right
so i can’t believe that
would be legal well
it doesn’t make any
sense because
first of all you have to wear a seatbelt but
fucking motorcycles don’t have a seatbelt
it’s impossible
i should check this
why that’s the
worst thing that
could happen if it’s
stuck on the bike is that
things rolling and
tumbling and is it
worse fuck yeah it’s
better if you can
slide if you can
you know lay the bike down you just skid
you know if you have the right
clothing on if you know how to ride a bike
maybe like a seado it
could be tethered to
you so you don’t lose it well you just
don’t want to get run over by your own bike and pinned
underneath it
smashed and have it fall on top you a
bunch of times
over and over yeah
down a hill
motorcycle accents
are some scary shit man
it’s like trying
and see the same bluetooth
thing that answer
calls turn up the volume oh god that’s so insane
take your hand off the fucking motorcycle
right handles
and press this
stupid button fiddle with it on the side of your head
guarantee you someone’s gonna die
because they’re trying to make a call this
fucking jesus shit
oh my god that’s a horrible idea
yeah that’s ridiculous
people are crazy
motherfuckers there has to be a trip though going like
120 miles an hour
while you’re blaring led zeppelin in your helmet
yeah high on it you’re
right if you survive it must be the shit
but i mean you gotta be a reckless motherfucker
you want to do that that’s like
only appeals to people with toxoplasma that’s like 100
toxoplasma activity what’s that
that’s that cat parasite thing
you ever heard of this
uh uh we talk
about it way too much in the podcast
i apologize everybody who has to hear this again
but there’s a
crazy cat parasite that affects
human beings and makes them more reckless
it makes them reckless it makes the
women more sexually
promiscuous
makes them more get it more polite get
it from cats but how do you get it people get it from
touching cat feces or being around
fields where cats and
something happens and they touch
the cat feces in a
field can she get it from eating cat feces yes
yeah she can get it
yeah definitely
and you have
especially a cat that shits outside
those are the cats that are dangerous
and this is what happens
a rat gets it
and it affects the
rat and what it makes the rat do is it makes the rat
sexually attracted to the
smell of cat piss
so the rats
start following
where the cats live
and want to be around the cats so that it
could easily get killed
and then they
would transfer
it to the cat and the cats transfer it to people
yeah and people transfer it back to rats do people take
it for recreation no
yes but here’s
where it gets
a huge whore
yeah well for
women it makes
you do that and for men it makes you much more
aggressive and reckless
and it’s they say it slows your reaction time down to
so it’s just like a bunch of
juice heads and hookers so it’s like a
miami nightclub
it’s like brazil
brazil is 66
infected with toxoplasma
very good looking like
literally and yeah
love to falk and love to fight
it literally
defines the
culture i don’t
know if they were doing that anyway this is a
thing that’s been around for a long time that means
every latin culture
yeah it does
well that’s one of the
things it’s connected to
places where people have a lot of wild cats
wow yeah it’s directly connected and it is an incurable
parasite that changes
human behavior
and it’s a fact it’s not a conspiracy theory this is a
legitimate mainstream fact
this is my problem with
it so strange
i know people that don’t have that act that way
but their parents
might have so it could be a
learned behavior
after people
that have it there’s a lot of can you pass it
to your kids
it’s a good question i don’t know
i don’t know if you can pass it to your kids i
think somehow or another they
would have to get cat shit if you wanted
your kid to make the football team
well i don’t know if
it works that way but one of the
things they
found out within
men was that there was
a disproportionate amount of people
like when they had
soccer teams that
would compete in the world cup
the teams that made it to the finals
all had high rates of toxoplasma in
their countries
and they think that this the recklessness
of this bacteria
like what it does it makes you like disregard like
your safety and do reckless shit
like a disproportionate number of people who
crash it on
motorcycles
are infected with toxoplasma
and so they connect it
to they connected it to
successful soccer teams and there’s like a real debate
about this that it may be one of the reasons why
these teams are so
successful at soccer they’re so
aggressive and crazy
is because they’re infected by toxoplasma
because a lot of them
a lot of athletes
from brazil a lot of athletes from a lot of
south american
countries any
poor area would
have a lot of people in the
south 50 million
americans are infected with it wow yeah it’s pretty
crazy it’s like herpes
what’s like an alien
it’s like an
alien that’s rewiring our
brains that’s awesome it’s fucking crazy
talk so plasma
pretty soon we’re gonna
start making pyramids watch
that’s what it is just imagine
it was like some kind of
thing that gets you
all well if there’s a new parasite
you know i mean parasites evolve
right if you believe in
evolution you believe they
weren’t exactly this way the
whole time they became what they are now
everything became what it is now it
evolved from something to something else
some new parasite that
evolves i mean
hiv right when remember when aids came around there
was something that came and there was some new shit it
used to be fun yeah
you hear about
that guy that got cured with aids you got
these stem cells
these stem cells and they cured his hiv it
disappeared
where where
where america’s
the jamba juice
they did a live demonstration
who is he and how come this isn’t in the news
it is yeah it isn’t it isn’t what didn’t happen
it’s really recent like a
month ago yeah
three weeks ago
yeah he’s actually been cured of hiv
did he pay for this treatment
i don’t know
i don’t know
the details on it but it’s pretty much been
accepted that
they figured out how it’s lacking
on your aids research somebody told me recently there’s
a cure for cancer and it’s in mexico at a clinic yeah
they give you weed
what isn’t yeah there’s some
things that
they’re willing to do in mexico that probably work
there’s a lot of people that have said that
blood transfusions like full
blood transfusions and
other treatments they do to
blood it’s a
bunch of different
treatments that they’re willing to do in mexico i
think i’d be willing to die
before i’d be willing to let a mexican doctor with no
sterilization put a needle in me
i know dudes have gone to mexico for surgery
came back as
women fighters
no mma fighters there
they’re cheap are you friends with a bunch of mma
fighters like i know that your some of them yeah yeah
train yeah train yeah
how do they feel
about getting hit in the face so much
well the smart ones know that it’s just you gotta
limit the amount
of times you get hit it’s very important to use defense
first and be very
smart about
but you know they also know that there’s some fights
where just get nailed you know
just what you
think you’re talking
about about football
earlier i mean
i don’t think
like octagon fighting
and all that
stuff has been
around or as popular as long as football so
are they gonna be the same as football players
like are they
gonna end up with pegas
season depends on
their style
depends on when
they get out depends on how much punishment they take
at the end of
their career
because the end of the career is
where guys get
really beat up that’s what happened with muhammad ali
happens with a lot of fighters
their reaction time slows they don’t know
when to get out of the game and then they take some
fights that they probably shouldn’t take and then
they get some serious
injuries and they don’t know when to quit and they keep
going those are the guys
that wind up in real big
trouble in my opinion
is it lou gehrig’s disease
doesn’t mean it’s innate and it just
triggers later
you can no lou
gehrig’s disease can
be triggered
later it can be
something that just happens to you but it also can be
trauma induced
okay so it can be
you know there’s a
bunch of different ways like stephen
hawkings has
lou gehrig’s disease
right i don’t
think that he was
he might have been
he might have played soccer or something like that he’s
a huge mma fighter
before he found the books before he
found yeah all that
studying but
what happens is when guys get
a lot of repeated
brain injuries
their brains start
producing like defective proteins
and they’re literally
their body just like eventually just shuts down
and just stops working it
starts like
misfiring left and
right you could
see it gets just really really creepy how come when i
watch mma fighting
they look like they take
breaks simultaneously like when they’re like in
those headlock it looks like they’re
almost taking a rest is that like a code like i’m
gonna take a
two second breather
right now you two
don’t hit me
while i’m doing this well if you’re
tired and you
sense that the
other guy’s
tired and he’s not moving you
might do that you
might take a little
break then wouldn’t it as a
as a killer
wouldn’t be like that was when we go not hug
yes but you
might be willing
to forego that just for a couple
seconds of recovery if you
think you’re
gonna make another big explosion
right you met something timed out
you know you’re like alright there’s a
minute and a half left in this
round i’m taking this
motherfucker down
but right now i’m
gonna take a little
break a little break
do they ever talk to each other
sometimes they talk shit
so hungry oh
sometimes the one time the
weirdest one
was this dude war machine was
fighting this guy j rock
and j rock and
war machine became really good friends on the
ultimate fighter
and then they had to
fight each other
i mean really good friends and it was a fucking war
a bloody horrible war
where they were talking to each other
while i was
going like fuck man that fucking hurt
like yeah sorry dude
like saying shit like that
while they’re
fighting it was really
crazy and it’s a mind fuck and yeah
and then at the end when it was all over they were
super emotional and crying and hugging each
other it was it was hockey players
they fight each
other i mean
i guess i don’t
think it was like this not
like 15 fucking minutes of beating the shit out of each
other is not the same
thing those hockey
fights they can’t get that traction
you know and it was it was a vicious
fight in an
ended with a brutal
tko and it’s like crazy like
it was also
charged with emotion yeah
you know then when he when
i interviewed him
after the fight was over he’s crying and talking
about how hard it was and what they were saying to each
other why they were in there and i was like whoa
that’s got all
that’s amazing you know
especially if
it was like a thousand years ago you had to kill him
yeah right yeah
that’s what happened
right that’s what they used
to make them do in
those fucking
those roman cunts
it’s us 500
years from now
the new room
i think america’s just like rome
it’s crazy decline
sort of same
build up same decline lap
bands that was the beginning of the end the lap band
you fucking fat cunt stop eating
just get your shit together
you have to be 50
pounds overweight do you
think they give
it to you if you were like you want to lose 10 pounds
no i thought
about that i’ve
got like some problem areas and i was like
maybe we should get a lap band
like a small one you
i guarantee you’re not the
first person to think this
dude a lot of girls will actually i
would not get
the talk about that though
that’s just a joke i know
no no but girls do talk
about that yeah i
dated girls that actually talk
about that shit all the time like i
might go in
with the suction
there’s a girl that i
dated a long time ago whose best friend got the
light bow and she did not need the lipo
she did not
need the lipo she just needed to work out a little bit
the girl that just didn’t work out
at all a lot of girls
do that just
and she got ruined man they lumped her up
well doesn’t it
i could be wrong about this
after they do don’t you kind of have no control over
where you made how they do it they do it
don’t you have
no control over
where your fat cells grow back i don’t know they’re
kind of replacing one problem here with another yeah
so you could get huge fat arms or no butt
got a no butt or huge butt or huge butt
right like a spider butt
you know spiders have huge
yeah don’t let
him do that don’t let him suck fat out of
your people most if you’re willing to turn to that like
i can understand if you’re
older and it’s a serious problem
you’ve been struggling all your life but if you’re
some like 21 year old girl that works at like hooters
just hit the gym for
an hour you know i was
watching this
thing online
about these two french brothers who are twins
who became plastic surgery junkies
and they’re deformed now have you seen
those can we
see a picture
yeah pull it up
brian french
famous twins plastic surgery nightmare
just write french
famous twins
plastic surgery nightmare
they were stars of some
television show
you know i guess back in the 80s or so
and now they’re like 50
and they look like
monsters they look like
monsters like
these poor guys
like they’ve got some sort of a
psychological defect
shouldn’t it be a boda
they’re kind of like the cat people yeah that woman
exactly they have all sorts of
facial implants and they have all sorts of fillers in
their face and
their heads are deformed it’s so uber
and that’s what
they used to look like oh they look he’s
fired before
yeah he’s a little
weird looking but not like he is now
looks like that mask from
screen exactly yeah it looks like
the kid from mask that movie mask
they both have pouty lips before and after
you know what it’s not that
given how they looked before
looks like that beverly hill show too
that one bitch that has the crazy lip
it’s like you know
housewives yeah
house she’s a
very large mouth anyway though yeah but she’s got
crafty shit going on with her lips
somebody should have told her like hey
you know it
doesn’t make you look any better i don’t
think anyone
intends for it to look like that though really
the problem i
think when you do that is your face has
whether you’re
symmetrical
or not your face has a certain symmetry to it
anything you do
to any part of it
you have to
balance out the rest and the more you try to balance it
the worse it gets well there’s a mathematical principle
to it it’s called the
fibonacci sequence
and that works on faces like it’s like
when someone
gets a nose job you’re like what the fuck is
going on with your head
yeah it looks
like your nose
is supposed
to be this big this is the way you know there’s a
grand design for it makes more
sense that way
there’s that one show i can’t
watch it cause it
upsets me britoplasty no
i haven’t seen it
it’s addicting you like it what is it explain it to me
they go through
they go through challenges
each girl is
engaged and i don’t know who’s
marrying these
crazy people
i don’t know who would but
each girl is
engaged and they do different challenges in
order to win
plastic surgery procedures
all leading up to your big day and you can win bouquet
you can win nose jobs
lipo whatever you want
so basically your husband’s marrying a
crazy doll that looks nothing like you oh my god
that remember that show on fox
where they used to work em the swan
yes oh my god that was insane i thought
those people were really
awful looking
yeah they were
but i mean fuck you know you’re getting them on a
slippery slope
with some people there was good shit like to fix their
teeth and you
know you don’t get to be manager at the at t
store if you don’t look your best really
when you look good you get to be
manager that’s when it happens that’s when it goes down
what if you’re at the eighteen
store how do you how do you
explain to people that the iphone
just fucking drops off
everywhere what
would you say
what would i say
if you were working the at
t store hmm
well i have no idea
i never really thought
about it i would probably say
it’s i mean
i don’t know
but you think
we’re adding
towers all the time why are you asking me this
we’re adding towers
all the time if you went to the att
store and there was like a sexy woman
that was talking to you
and telling you and trying to calm you down from the
issue do you
think you’d be more likely to just let it go
i don’t know
do you think you
would get smitten
i think you
would i think
i was like laughing
yep the guy were hot i’d be like
yeah i don’t want you to
think i’m crazy
really you would do that
so there was like some fucking handsome
clark kent looking
motherfucker
you would be
more willing to listen to
their corporate bullshit
about why your
phone keeps
dropping i’d let him beat me if he were hot enough
really just a
light beating choking
just so like
a light throttling
half throttle yeah let’s play a game called fake rape
some girls like that
i’m just now thinking
mostly on order
svu episodes are about
there’s a guy in oklahoma
that got arrested recently because he shot his wife
or his girlfriend
that it was some sort of a
sex thing like he
would hold the gun up to her head
while he was
banging her
oh and it accidentally went off
because he thought it was blanks
no because you accidentally shot her in the head
yeah well maybe
she said something
stupid he just came ugh
bang fuck you
that’s a tough
case and then called the cops and said it was a mistake
again this man is
stupid and there’s no
place for him in society
if you’re willing to put a loaded gun to someone’s head
while you have sex with them
don’t knock it till you try it girl yeah you never know
some people
are gangster
shit do that
while scarface is playing in the
background damn
that’s some people like to live on the edge you know
i mean i don’t have to
go to jail for that it wasn’t it was an accident
yeah he goes to jail for being retarded
he has to go to jail that’s
where he belong
yeah you shoot somebody in the head
you gotta go to jail
yeah there’s not many circumstances
where it’s okay well yeah
totally if they
could prove that he came
after he shot her then he
definitely goes to jail they can
yeah they can
yeah no they can carbon
dating of semen
carbing taste it it
does with it there’s a
semen taster
it’s a horrible job but it has
great benefits
this load was shot into a dead man
lot of pineapple
guy bends down on his knees he’s
touching his fingers to it
no one’s talking they’re waiting for the results
he’s a dead guy he was dead
he was dead when the guy ejaculated into him
was that cat poop disease
toxoplansma taste it
would it funny if i
could have thought of the name of the disease
versus asking you
acting out tasting semen
be careful with your dog i’m telling you
don’t let him get that talk so plasma
she doesn’t go outside to her rather
she doesn’t she really hard she was outside
just make sure she’s not around
other people’s cats to go outside no
yeah actually you know what what she is now i think
about it not good
where in the garage
don’t tell me what part of the
country is it but are there rats there i
here here are there rats
in your neighborhood no rats no
i got rats oh but there are cats
maybe they took care of rats
maybe the rats are there no
this rats everywhere not just belarus what’s
gonna happen to her
she’s probably gonna start fucking you in your sleep
oh she’s more of an affection love hug kind of
dog once in a great
while if i don’t let her out to pee she’ll get
excited and
start to hump my arm really let me out
now oh so tell you that she has to pee once a
month if i like really push it and don’t let her out
because i’m doing something how strange
she does it to like like she gets so
excited and worked up and we
and then she’ll just be like
how do you work out when you go on the road with her
i don’t work out on the road
that is no no that’s not what i mean oh
how do you work it out like when you go on the road
take it with you right
i got her cause i was on the road so much
was like i need
i need something
i need companions so i got her and she is she
travels with you on a
plane she’s like this she’s
silent that’s
awesome and i
bring her on
travel bring her on
stage for the one bit
on stage one bit
and then she sits in the room with the
other comics and
oh that’s cool and she’s a really good girl
that’s nice
you got a cool
little friend
i really like that she
could have been
crazy and when you
bring her on a
plane you just put
her in between your seat is that how you do it put her
where my feet go
what if people are allergic to dogs that around you
fuck them she said
i pay for her
sometimes i sneaker on
but for the most part i pay for her
and if you’re allergic
you’ll have to
sneak her on
my bag that i have for her looks like a duffel bag
it’s got a mesh side like she can breathe
i’ll throw my coat over and just walk on
the people that
check your ticket
are not the same as the people at security and nor are
the same people at the gate i figure that out
so you just walk on wow
that’s awesome so if you don’t do that
then what do you have to do pay a hundred bucks yeah
or a hundred it depends
150 there are
the scheme eliza
you know it’s a
great scheme when i
moved out here i had
to move my cats out and they lost my cats for like two
hours like they didn’t let me have it with me
i had to put it into like
under the thing yeah
under the thing
i would never
do that ever again
and then i was
thinking about
traveling or
bring my dog to ohio when i went back and
besides it being so expensive
the vet told
me that it’s really bad for the dogs the air pressure
under the thing
under or in the cabin
under the thing
i bet yeah i bet it’s cold too yeah
yeah but it’s cold on the
floor where she goes up
it’s probably really cold down there
you know there’s that creepy feeling when you get
close to the
window and you realize how cold it is out there yeah
coming back from canada
was a trip because we were we were almost stranded
we came so close to being stranded
the snow was just
starting to
start a blizzard was hitting as
recently yeah
yeah and if we had been an hour
later we would have been stuck
in canada for days i’m sure
no this was a
different one this is a recent one is montreal montreal
it’s beautiful city
canada canada’s the most amazing country it’s gorgeous
and canadians
are really nice
they’re very nice and
super masculine
not faggy at all nice
so canadians out there just
wanna let you know oh no we’re done
i’m just saying no more
we’re done with
what happened
but he’s just giving you they do say she’s giving you a
thumbs up on your product big
thumbs up i
think it’s always easy to make fun of canada but
great country
nice people
very friendly
yeah but it’s not easy to make fun of canada
it’s easy to make fun of how fucking
cold it is in some spots but like
you know as far as like the people there
they’re super nice
some of the nicest fucking people ever
then they live above
this country filled with homicidal maniacs
you know they live
above michigan
yeah how about that
dude did you see those
photos that’s like living
above mexico
do you see those
photos of michigan was
it you that posted it
that shit scary like
michigan decline of michigan and
photos it’s
it’s on joe’s twitter
amazing photos somebody
tweeted it i reach it
it’s all these
photos of like ancient
buildings and
you know been around michigan
since like the 17 1800s all fallen
apart and abandoned now because
economy has fallen
apart like abandoned
library filled with books abandoned
police headquartered with all the
photos that’s like
you’re just
michigan in general
i think it was all detroit
detroit is like a ghost town
i was actually
in this is not i was in
upper michigan recently
second time in a year i’m not bragging
workers yeah
you don’t give a fuck i don’t give a fuck
travel up to
northern michigan
it’s such another
world up there
it looked if you took a
picture and took out the cars you
wouldn’t be able to tell me what decade it was yeah i
agree i went
to all of that
once for i did a college in all of that michigan
you know where all of that is
to middle of nowhere they gave me terrible directions
to drive there
there’s no gps
back then this is back in the golden days of comedy
and i had to
drive to this fucking college and
stand on top of two
there were like
cafeteria tables that was the stand
and one of them had a mic on one end and
a speaker on the other end
and there was another
speaker that was on the other
table and i can go back and forth in between the two
tables if i paid attention
if i didn’t step on a crack and
punch through
i’m not kidding give me
that comic the fucking most
ridiculous thing ever and then
there’s no opening
act of course it’s just me so i go on
stage and immediately
start getting heckled
and they’re
all football players it’s a football college
so it’s like all
these animals well i
start to like give
these guys shit they’re like it was good natured
heckling you know
a lot of faggot
talk and stuff like that
so i go to the guy
whatever i said
i made fun of him and
the guy who ran the college came up to me and said
i just want to let you know we are not
allowing swears
you’re not allowed to
swear i’m under attack i was like this is ridiculous
these guys are allowed to swear you fucking faggot
you’re allowed to yell out you fucking faggot
at me and so then i turned it around and said something
about you guys are old enough to go to war
you’re old enough to die for your country
right but this guy right here says that i can’t
swear in front of you
cause somehow i know that you can’t handle
and then they go fuck this guy
and then i get fucking
crazy and i was joking around but i go let’s fucking
trash this place
and a bunch of dudes
screamed and one dude stood up and picked up a chair
and then the guy came up to the
table and he goes listen listen listen
do whatever you want we’ll deal with the consequences
later you perform your normal act as you normally do
and i’m like oh see i can
swear now we can swear calm down everybody calm down
but they were like ready to fight
are you kidding
or did you really want to i was half kidding
but i was like really instigating that’s amazing
i was really instigating because you know they were
bored and they
were in the middle of nowhere and this guy was
annoying as fuck
and i was going look you know i just came here to
entertain you guys do you know what you’re
happy about
that was the
thing they used to sell you they’ll sell you to anyone
this is like
barry katz’s agency it was new york
entertainment and they
would just fucking sell you
whoever they
could sell you to without
any colleges they
would just sell you to and then they
would deal with it once you get there
and i did a naka show and they got to see that i was
dirty and like everybody had
you know they said well if you do
you know naka
and they know that you’re
dirty then it’ll
limit the amount
of colleges that you go to but i was like i can’t
make a fake
second act you know and just to do it to do colleges
so they knew i was
dirty so somehow another got sold to this
college that didn’t know
but they were the most
savage of all the colleges
i’ve ever done ever and they didn’t want me
swear it’s just the one guy it’s not the college i
think it was
their policy because they had all
these fucking animals living in the middle of michigan
they wanted
to keep them
keep them calm keep them calm
i did no need for
swears so many colleges the
other last year
and the thing
about colleges is
like if comedy club you can go
you can see what this you can ask your friends with the
stages like some colleges
you have no clue what it’s
gonna be like you don’t know if you’re
gonna be at a theater
an amphitheater
outside in the parking lot a cafeteria you don’t know
and you get there and you just hope it’s
gonna be decent
yeah i did a college recently in canada
it was weird
hadn’t done one in a long time and it was like
adults and college kids mixing together it’s always
weird when they
like come wandering in yeah from the community yeah you
could be 18
or you know you can
eighteen and
above it was fine
but it was it’s
very strange because a lot of college people you know
you forget when you’re
you know thirty years old you’re
forty years old or whatever you know if you
lived all this life
these kids haven’t
lived at all it’s
tricky cause you can’t talk
about dating as you
would normally or
jobs yeah or sex
cause it’s just not
they don’t know that yet some do
but you’re dealing with
a huge percentage that don’t i mean there’s hip kids in
every level of high
school and every
level of college
that would make
great audience
members in any comedy club there’s kids that are 14
that get it such a small
percentage yes you’re
right such a
small percentage but in college man
you’d be surprised that the number
from fourteen to
college is not that different no they’re a lot of them
the same they’re like little kids yeah some of them are
hip so know what’s
going on the
world some of them
you know no but and nothing they like to
do at colleges is they like to go pc on you and fucking
point out when you’re being
racist or point out
when you being sexist
you know what i
think they’re smarter
i enjoy college shows because it gives me a chance
you’re not placating joe public
these are kids that are very
close to the realm of academia
that will get a
reference that will get something
about school or
and they were they’re so closer they remember it
right right and it’s a nice exercise
yeah i think it’s because it’s easy to get a question
in the middle of nowhere and you get a
bunch of like
i don’t want to try not to offend anyone but like
normal guys at this is like this is
they’re doing on friday
night they’re
gonna get drunk see the comedian
and go fuck
it’s a little bit easier
it’s a cakewalk
well they’re trying to have fun too i was trying to
have fun just trying to have a good time
there’s something to be said for that i know a lot of
idiots that are a lot of fun to hang out with
and they don’t want to
think about the
world fucking wikileaks but you know
we have a jacket
have a jack and coke with them we get a couple
pounds in give each
other a few high fives in
their good company
you know there’s a lot of people that aren’t very deep
thinkers that i
enjoy hanging around with but
i don’t know what you’re saying there’s a wedding ring
brian shut the fuck up
don’t get it he’s a mess how dare you
see it’s a wedding ring he’s making
a wedding ring out of the core no i get it but why
because he’s just
brian that was what he does he’s
playing off what you were just talking about
and i was acting like i was a dummy oh
so marriage
have you ever seen the wonderful
whites of west virginia
it’s a must
see is it a
show i will give you a copy of the dvd as you
leave is it a
movie is a documentary on this family that lives in
west virginia
it is one of the craziest fucking
things you’ve ever
seen in your life this wild family that just snorts
oxycontinson
goes in and out of jail
i would love
to i have to
watch that oh you have to i
just skip everything i’m doing tonight and
watch that fabulous
it’s fabulous they are they are and
don’t skip the behind the
scenes interviews too
cause the long in
depth interviews with each of the
people that they do the show with are fucking fabulous
as well i put on my ipod and listen to all workout
fuck yeah i’m sure you
could buy it on itunes
and listen to on ipod i’m bob guarantee you it’s just
genius though man it’s just this family is just
completely totally insane
and they live in west virginia they’re just
just like ancestors
after ancestor
generation after
generation fuck criminals
just criminals
just straight criminals i mean they’re just crazy
and they’re all like
famous in that town for being nuts are
you being nuts
yeah so they
interview all like different sheriffs and all
these different townsfolk and all
these different
people that know them and they all say the same
thing these people are
just crazy and
wild and good for nothing and none of them
gonna amount to nothing
this one old lady she goes
they go what do you want
what do you
want to happen when you die she goes when i die
fucking i want you to blow weed
smoke in my face
snort pills off my head
let’s have a fucking party
it’s uncomfortable when old people talk that way
i don’t know man it’s
pretty fucking awesome i wanted to hang out with her
i wanted to go
drinking with her that’s not the way
that’s all i thought of when she said that
when she said
how you gonna die i want to boast weeds monk in the
face little lady yes
snort pills off my head i’m like i want to fucking
hang out with this lady do you ever see that awful
mas road house
it’s like a terrible
fake reality show
but the gravel
is like that
it’s a horrible
fake reality show called ma’s roadhouse on like
tlc or something no it’s better it’s on true tv
true tv true tv what is true tv
it’s a network it’s a network that
sounds like it’s real
but everything on it is like the
fake reality show but
everything is so shitty on there it’s like this bar in
dallas but the mom
she talks like
this i don’t give a fuck and she’s like this old lady
and it’s scripted but she
still like that
all those scripted reality
shows they’re fucking up man you just need to follow
those people like they did with this show
yeah with the
whites of west virginia there’s no
scripted reality man they just followed him for a year
and in a year they got just gold gold gold
if they all died at the end
no you want to keep them
alive and come up with a part two
and make it 3d
yeah 3d what
would happen
3d rednecks how
would they use it
throw me my
school over here
cherry flavor you gotta
watch it’s pretty fun i want
a copy of that
johnny knoxville produced it
apparently he found out
about it and had to be a part of this he just had to
let people know i saw him the other day did you really
what did you think you
think well johnny i don’t wanna say anything to him
do you think you want him inside yeah no
he didn’t look healthy
really i can’t
imagine someone that does that for a living
would look healthy
that dude got fucked up by that bull did you
see that shit yeah
that is ridiculous i can’t believe you did that
so crazy yeah he’s crazy
they’re all
crazy they’re so
crazy i mean so
crazy you easily
could have died from that
from anything they do yeah the bulldo
fucking a man yeah
bull you gonna
hit you when you cut your goddamn
blindfold on
shit man you’re a
movie star do you know your movies
i know you want to be
legit but fuck man i
mean how many bones has he broken in this entire course
of they do it
would that help
like in general
does that help
yeah probably make numb
you or make
would you rather take a beating
drunk fuck yeah you’re numb
when you’re
drunk i guess
man i think maybe
if i was sober i
might be able to
move a little bit better and avoid
some of the
punishment i’d rather be sober
but you’re gonna take a beating that’s why you’re not
gonna do much to
fight off a bull
that’s why a lot of
the people in the titanic
survived because they were
drunk too they were
warm really
they’re warm
what the fuck are
you talking about that
water kills you almost instantly
you’re making people survive that
dude only the people that didn’t go in the
water no no
no no boats no people in the
water survived
i don’t know
about time yeah
really that’s why
drunk drivers
are the ones to survive because there’s so much more
relaxed we should look that up because
i’m pretty sure that was even a premise in the movie
was that leonardo dicaprio died because he was in the
water and he left
her on that shit face
yeah that’s what it was you fucking
queer you should have had a shot
you shouldn’t have
snub me at the back
you shouldn’t have
snubbed me at the
bio you still be
alive you quit
did you know like 98
of the women survived the
titanic because
women were allowed
on the lifeboat yeah kids duh
sorry that was rude duh
well i mean you
think like a
lot of people died like you didn’t know that like did
you see that
cruise ship in antarctica that got fucked up last week
did you see that
it got hit by a 35 foot wave and it
smashed the window of the boat and leaked all over the
electronics
so the electronics all
shorted out and they couldn’t
drive the boat
no one’s eye poked
they hadn’t
there’s no lights we’re fucked
they had no
power and they had to
creep in on
some sort of
a backup engine or whatever the fuck they had to do but
they had a creep in
they have the
video of this boat getting hit by waves
fucking terrifying
it’s like a cork
in a jacuzzi
yeah bobbin
just completely out of control
i did a semester at sea
last year of college
and so it’s a giant
it’s an old
cruise ship
that they’ve converted it’s like they
strip it down and
it’s a college
basically and you go around the
world what and it’s
crazy oh it’s
a program it’s called semester at sea and
our ship was the
ss universe
holy shit so you
lived in a boat for a year no no for six
four months four to five
months i think and
so you went to all
these crazy
countries and you’re on
you know you’re
crossing these huge
oceans for like days at a time
but the group that went
after us like there’s a certain
degree that your boat can’t go
unless it’ll capsize and they have footage
they were on the news they were caught like the storm
and there’s footage of all the kids books just sliding
and they were like one degree off from capsizing
there’s like 600 kids on this thing
oh my they were this
close ours was fine
but i was seasick
for most of that wow
yeah brian pull that
video up see if you can find it
it was on my twitter but it’s a
cruise ship antarctica
hit by monster waves
but there’s
when they were
trying to rescue people off the boat they got
video of it like one another ball
came in close
no no nobody’s nobody
screaming or anything like that there’s no one’s
got a bullet hole in
their head wave
cruise ship wave antarctica put in antarctica
and it’d be really recent it’s a december article
or december video
it’s fucking tripping
it’s so terrifying this big
fucking boat is just
bobbing back and forth it makes you realize like
you’re dealing with
you know like
you’re insanely deep
water there
buenos aires
a large wave
slammed into an antarctic
cruise ship with
88 american passengers and 77
crew members
aboard that the ship’s crew overcame
minor damage and was heading safely back to its
scheduled port on wednesday
the vessel’s operator said
the kul the air 2
declared an emergency on tuesday
reporting it had suffered engine damage amid
heavy season 55
miles per hour 90 kph
winds when it was
northeast of the
south shetland islands and about 500
miles 845 km
from ushuaia
the argentine navy said in a statement
the international association of antarctica
tor operators
issued statement
saying the wave that hitler
called the a2 corps the broken bridge
window and some
electrical malfunction you guys
voice give me a
seizure knockout
some communications and
kill this guy
with engine
performance
anyway you get
to see the norwegian
stephen hawking
you don’t need to
hear that guy
how crazy is that imagine
that that’s terrifying eating that boat oh my god
look how far it goes up
you know what
those waves are so huge
it’s so scary
and that’s nothing there’s been waves higher than that
there was a wave that hit alaska
someone was just telling me about this
and it was in
i believe it was in the 1950s
some fucking wave i
should look this up
some wave that was
1 000 feet high
something fell like
a shelf like a volcanic shelf or
something off a mountain fell into the water
caused this
monster wave that popped up from it
and everything from a thousand feet down in this area
where it hit is just dead
there’s nothing there trees gone
everything gone
a thousand feet of water
wrap your head around that shit man
can’t impossible
couldn’t tell
what a thousand
feet looks like sorry
if you like to hear how i can’t
quantify things
these are fucked up
video online we talked
about this on the podcast before
these kids at nine hundred feet above
this these russian kids are walking on
these beams
nine hundred feet
above this forest
i can’t even look at shit like that
i look at anything
where like when i was doing fear factor and we’d be on
buildings and people
would have to like do some
crazy fucking
stunt where they had to like walk across some beam
or rope or something like that across two buildings
just looking over the edge your whole body
just angles
i may have a normal height i know yeah normal not not a
crazy one where i
start it’s hard
hyperventilating but my body just
everything is telling me get the fuck away from the
ledge unless you need the
money yeah well
unless you know you’re in a harness and all that
other good stuff
yeah obviously when i’m
standing there
directing the show there’s no harness on me obviously
what the fuck are we talking
about at the actual
show nothing
basically the end of this show
has reached
yes because
we run out of steam
about two hours in
it’s hot as fucking here too is it that’s just you
yeah you’re hot together
i think it’s chemistry
i smell it it’s in the air
what it’s my britney
spears perfume is that what it is
do you wear britney
spears perfume
do you that’s kind of cool
do you wear it to be
ironic or do you like the way it’s no i love the way it
smells really i don’t give a fuck what does it
smell like have you had to describe it
actually it
smells kind of like a lotion like a
like a oh the lotion cinnamon lotion
britney spears is like a vanilla
fruity like
clean stripper
you know that perfume angel
yeah that’s
gross right
so it was on one of my shelves
from like a
long time ago somebody left it there what is angel
it’s a perfumular
angel every
woman’s worn it at some
point in her life
it’s a blue star is it like the female version of jakar
yes but it’s in the star and it’s not like one of
those bottles that
stand up it’s like the most retarded
shaped bottle
ever anyways i went to go grab something off the
shelf in my bathroom
and i didn’t even know it was there and i
fell down and
broke in my bathroom
my fucking house
smells like my
grandmother times a thousand it’s
awful it’s just
odd smell it
won’t go away it’s so gay it’s horrible
all perfumes creepy yeah
i like one spray
a passion of mine like
it’s my mma
i love perfume and
smells and lotions
wow girls are so strange i like
smells i smell good
at all times that’s a
texas thing too though
texas women know how to be
women you know how to girl it up
yeah they know how to girly it up you know
sound like wyoming
women take a hit
there are no
women in wyoming there’s a
few there’s a
few there’s a few there’s
three coyotes
some mountain lions and shit one the mare
this mountain lions and shit but the
grapefruit i think is
not an aphrodisiac but men are attracted to the
smell of grapefruit
really and i
think vanilla too but
grapefruit’s the one that does it
but just doesn’t have grapefruit
in it do you like perfume when girls wear perfume brine
yeah but there’s a certain kind
how great is my hair smell
yes that’s good i don’t like the perfumey
perfumey you know
like three kinds of perfume
right now i like
what you are
oil is a hairbrush
a hair perfume and then i have perfume it’s like my own
thing and i do it even if i’m
gonna be by myself all day
whoa i love
smell good smell
right here don’t be like
don’t be weird
that’s good
that’s very
mellow it’s
not flowery it
smells like food
okay so you’re
true like a
baker and connoisseur
you know i’m not fucking around yeah i know you do
very seriously so when you
smell a stinky girl
that’s like over perfume and is that offensive to you
no i just don’t want to be her
you don’t wanna be here
you feel bad for her no
cause everybody’s body chemistry works with different
smells right like it just depends on who you are
some that you
could love the way it
smells in the bottle and then on you it either
doesn’t last or
smells bad so it just depends
the only thing i ever do is i put on deodorant so
other people don’t get offended
that’s it you
should yeah i
should get you a bottle
of timberlakes
timberlakes is actually pretty good because it was
that no what
is that justin timberlakes and timberlakes is
that i wear cologne
yeah i’m not wearing
anything you know what does
work just missed
i put some shit in my
underarms and that
smells so good as a girl
chocolate one
i went to college with this kid who was repugnant by
every definition
and he was an
awful person
and he was fat and he was
gross and he
sweated a lot
but when he
swell he would come we’d have
these meetings for this
comic troopers
and when he
would come to the meetings
and i hated this kid i
would find myself
scooting closer
because he would wear
axe whoa yeah
they have one
that’s called chocolate paradise i’d recommend it i
think you’re a freak
how about that it
smells i think you’re afraid
an amazing chance of
smelling it
that’s it it’s very rare i don’t
think i wouldn’t
touch him i
understand what you’re saying
but i don’t
think dudes should
plan for someone like you no i
think it’s a very rare
attraction to
smells you have
very rare do you get
super offended when dudes fart
like a friend
or like a boy that i boyfriend like a boy that you like
every boyfriend i’ve had
has not done it in
front of me are you
serious why
has not because he knows about your
no i’m just like
they’re super courteous
about it i’m not even like the last one we
dated for a year he’d always leave
never hot boxed you
no no one would ever do that to me that i was
serious i wouldn’t date the kind of guy that
would do that
brian you’re off the list
brian’s a hot boxer
from the 80s
he was hot boxing
before it even had a name
back when it was in oven
actually i have a bit
about that how
awful it is
every time i
get in a relationship like this last girl i
dated from texas
from houston
we had like
a good relationship and then she
started doing
these little
things that made it not romantic anymore one of the
things she’s like
she seriously blew a fart on me and goes do you
want breakfast in bed and she goes there’s your eggs
bitch and she blew
a fart on me and i’m like
really that really
did happen that really did
happen you do it in your ass yeah i did that in my eye
and that’s true
that just kills
a relationship girls don’t ever look at it dude
that’s almost
throwing up
if you fart i’ve done
that for sure
i’ve farted on accident and it’s like i’m
sorry there’s
things that happen
but deliberately
suffocate someone right
that’s gross she
how rude yeah is
brian how rude
so that houston girls man they’re
dirty dirty
part of my state
find some good ones there’s
everywhere fellow
you just attract a certain type
i did you gotta do something
about that you
gotta do something
about that don’t be blaming texas
well be blaming houston
four years has been texas
you can figure it out bro you can get better
it’s over would you do that to your wife
no no way you guys who don’t fart in
front of each
other you could
fart on you
wouldn’t dent to
it yeah you
wouldn’t be like hey come here bitch
no no i don’t know anyone who wants to
smell my farts my farts are horrible
there’s no need for that
no one’s farts are okay by the way
someone’s farts my little
daughter’s farts aren’t that do you like your own farts
she doesn’t eat
much she’s a little girl she eats a lot you’d be amazed
her logs she
drops logs that look like a dog shit in the
potty i see
these logs i’m like
there’s no way and now she calls it logs i told you
it’s because it’s your
daughter yeah
but they’re huge
logs if you didn’t know her you’d be like that’s awful
if i didn’t know
yeah yeah of
course i have to pick this
the thing is the potties are
ridiculous because what it is is a little
plastic bucket on the bottom that your baby shits in
yeah so you have this like advanced
civilization
where people have toilets and running
water but you don’t use it for your little
babies they
have to shit in a little box
because and you have to be
well you’re with them all the time anyway so it’s just
a minor inconvenience
you just dump it in the toilet and all that but
but they can’t
climb up to the toilet
yet they’re not really designed for that yet and they
can’t hold themselves up
while they’re falling
so i get her
she’s got like a little
thing that sits on top of the toilet but then
again you got to pick her up
but she drops
these logs that are like human sized i mean if it was
my poop it would be as big as my chest
i mean it doesn’t even make any
sense that there’s
so much shit comes out of her little body
you gotta take the famous photo of the
you her pooping though
she’s a baby that’s a
good one for you well
that’s something that everyone did as a kid is that
on your twitter
it used to be i don’t have it anymore
me holding a penthouse
let’s bring this
bitch home ladies and gentlemen
thanks to the
flashlight for
sponsoring us
if you want to go to
flashlight com
well actually if you go to joerogane
net and click the link
you can get 15
off so you can masturbate at a discount
and it’s a very effective item
i support it i went back to
using it recently
did you good for you bro
you can be by yourself for a little bit you’re
gonna be okay
me too you’re
gonna be fine
thank you very much to eliza
slush and jeremy
thanks for having me
powerful comedian
winner of last
comic standing
and all around badass
bitch props
give me some knuckles
check out her blog
her blogs are really good oh
yeah and she has very
funny twitters as well
thank you you have a cool name on
twitter too because it’s easy eliza that’s it i eliza
and my blog is
that’s my nightmare com yes
yeah and that’s linked on the eliza yes
on eliza com
and so follow her on twitter you
dirty bitches
and follow redband too because he’s really sad that he
doesn’t have any more he’s trying to like
really blow past cat
stacks and cat
stacks has one in
me i actually have a number that i’m trying to get past
right now what is it
tell me what it is
21 000 21 000
folks we can do it
ladies and gentlemen just believe in the lord
lord the lord will provide and
21 000 twitter followers will
enter a new epoch
yes whatever
fuck am i talking
about february 4th mandelay bay
me joey diaz
and ari shafir
it’s gonna be epic you fucking freaks
mandalay bay theater
i think it’s like 1700 people
still some tickets available they’re
going fast don’t get locked out
thank you to
c2o coconut
water for sending us a big fat case
of delicious coconut
water the shit is so
yummy did you try it yet
yes i’ve had it before oh you’ve had it before
great you’re
gonna just take it with you you’re not
gonna drink it
have some i said long car ride
on long car ride what
bring in the long car i don’t
don’t bound
up here pressure
when can anybody see you do
stand up when is
the next gig
i do stand up
nightly in los angeles
for updates on that you can
go to my twitter or my facebook page i always post it
omnistoro improv
or the laf factory
and my next date i will be the pittsburgh improv
the 19th weekend of the 19th of this
month great club
powerful pittsburgh improv go see her
go see her rock the house
thank you very much for coming by
thank you everybody tomorrow
3 p m brian
callan is coming by oh i love brian
my road dog just back from thailand
holla at your boy filming the hangover too so he’s
gonna have some
crazy fucking stories
so we’ll see you guys tomorrow
and thank you very much tune in
i love you bitches as always oh you know what i don’t
all of your
brothers later