the mp3 and urban
that’s not it
what is that other thing that you have saved there
john mayer that’s john mayer what is it
john mayer won’t sue us he likes us you could play
i’m gonna start from scratch why because the
mp3 recorder was is not okay ready go
do you open your show with your body is wonderland
yes my body is wonderland bro
don’t hate the joe rogan experience
take three
folks this is a fucking ghetto podcast all
right this is how we rock it
ladies and gentlemen
the one and only
eddie f just join us
ladies and gentlemen
please give it up for eddie f that’s
ifft you can find him on twitter he’s a hilarious
stand up comedian and a good pal of mine
and we are sponsored by the
flashlight before we go any further
go to joe rogan
net click the link
and type in the name rogan and you get 15
off it’s fucking
a fabulous masturbation
tool mr if i know you’re not into
those things
you’re a wholesome gentleman you’re not you’re not
the type of boy
and go dry you go dry
i go dry too dry
i feel like when i put lube in my hand
that i’m really
committing to beating off and it’s like what’s
wrong with me
i can’t even do dry
dry i feel like
i can just get in and get out when i need to
yeah but when i do the
flashlight you have to use lube
with a flesh like do they have like
celebrity vaginas and
stuff yes of
course they do yeah that’s
great they’ve thought of it all
they have alien vaginas like
blue ones look like avatar bitches
but it’s not avatar of course it’s
alien because if it was avatar they’d have to pay
i hung out with the
flashlight guy last
night had a
great time so
chuck lidell was cool
yeah if he’s in town
next week we’re
gonna get him
he doesn’t work for
flashlight anymore he quit
he opened up his own company yeah that’s
right do they have any
really really obscure
like people like obscure
porn stars i’m sure
they do weird i
haven’t looked through the catalog
that you can like
yeah even though i’m a part of
the company i have not looked through the catalog that
you know like i was i was
flesh lighting with roseanne bars vagina
oh god i bet she
would do it roseanne
would probably do it
but rosie o’donnell
might do it too
but there’s a lot of
lesbians that
would do it just to
someone’s out there
using their vagina properly
with rosie’s you’d have to take two
flashlights and just rub them together
that’s right you man
um eddie if there’s also on a podcast
called you guys called talking shit is that
talking shit with jim jeffries and
jim jeffries and eddie if and
recently you guys got fucked because i guess you swore
in your itunes yeah just our title
like we had a
title for the episode
we had one title once that was called
i guess i’m gonna have to eat this dude’s cunt
was one of them
where a guy named brian mccarthy told us a
story about how he fucked a a post op
transsexual
and he was telling the
story about how she told him she used to be a dude
before he fucked her before he fucked her but he said
he was already like so into it that he was like all
right and they’re having a
threesome with her in the dudes getting a blowjob
and he’s like
i’m looking at the back and he goes and i realize
i guess i’m
gonna have to eat this dude’s cunt
oh and so we
titled it that
and so he did
yeah he did well
it’s our episode
three we still
think it’s our funniest
what is this guy’s name
again brian mccarthy he actually lives
right out here he’s crying
mccarthy is he a comic
sort of he hosts all these
things he’s got a show on
national lampoon
radio he’s the funniest
if he came in a room with a
bunch of comics
every comic
would go that’s
the funniest guy in the really fucking wait a
minute okay
would have joey diaz in that room
i’m telling you you can’t tell me there’s a guy
alive it’s funny than joe it
sounds like a challenge joey it’s
not like nonsense
joey diaz would
would find this guy really
funny really
he’s fucking
weird there’s no way to explain i mean
i believe you but i don’t believe he’s funnier than
joey diaz i don’t
think that’s possible he’s like this fat guy that
he’s got a wife and kids normal life but he directs
porn on the side and
he wears pink polo
shirts and like
white bucks and
he’s got like this
secret life that he leads and
maybe you shouldn’t be talking
about it on the podcast on our podcast he told a
story about
smuggling weed from jamaica
in boomboxes and getting
arrested and having to go to jail for two and a half
months in jamaica
no when he got to america
and he went
to jail and he stayed in jail for two and a half months
rather than tell
call his parents
to get him bailed out because he didn’t want
his mom to know
so he was just
gonna sit it out
and let his mom
think he was in jamaica
oh my god he’s
just a fucked up how old was he when this happened like
twenty years old
oh my god i just rather take two and a half
months in prison
jesus christ
so he just wired crazy yeah
and that’s a dude that will fucking keep a
secret though
that’s a guy
that i’d want working for me yeah two and a half months
two and a half
months in jail
instead of telling his mom
that’s a fucking soldier
right there
yeah we got a soldier
brian mccarthy huh
that’s his name and it’s episode
three of your podcast
we can hear this
and i need to
hear this now and then we have on our show
on our show yeah
it’s one of
the funniest stories you’ll ever hear in your room
i swear to god
he’s talking
about fucking the
pussy and he’s like
felt like frozen
gummy bears that’s the only
thing i can describe
cause i think
they didn’t
get rid of all the dick meat they just stumped up there
and he’s like
so i’m fucking
and he goes
now if i tell you this
pussy just looked like a
sloppy mess you
should have seen the asshole
but i couldn’t
get any friction in the
pussy cause i
guess the doctor didn’t do a good job so i’m
pinching the
pussy down and i’m fucking yeah
i mean it oh
fuck this guy in his asshole i did
everything oh my god
jesus christ
he’s a mental
and he’s not even gay not at all what the fuck is that
about told a
story about how he let a guy blow him one time
because he was out with this
and he’s not
a good looking dude he’s out with this like
supermodel chick like really hot like
famous playboy model
and they were out and they were all doing coke and
partying and she goes
i’ll let you do anything you want to me
if you let this guy suck your dick
wow and he went
well he goes
what do i have to lose he goes
if i like it then i’m gay
so he goes that
solves a lot of problems for me in life
he’s like so i let the guy do it and
apparently the guy that did it is this
famous writer for vanity fair
and he let the guy suck his dick and he said as soon as
he goes as soon
as i felt the growth the stubble of his beard
hit the base of my cock he goes i’ve
never gone so limp in my life
and he goes i went
i’m not gay
now did he fuck the chick
afterwards he did fuck the chick
afterwards or he said
maybe he was too coked up to fuck her that
night but he got to
afterwards but so the guy went he went limp meaning
that he was hard before the stubble hit him he yeah
well he was she got him hard or something it was a
crazy fucking
story this dude knows how to party
no he doesn’t
no i do not want to
party i do not
know how to
party that guy’s an
idiot she sucked
a guy suck his dick
that’s not a guy knows how to
party that’s
silly he’s a
i would rather not fuck that
girl you know that
girl has a lot of outrageous demands you know who he’s
friends with he’s friends with the dude who’s a pretty
amazing dude to me to that own consumption junction
do you remember that website oh
yeah well i went to arizona to do show like
crazy stuff right
consumption junctions like car accidents
around no i don’t know
is but the dude
sold the website and made millions of dollars but
powerful i went
he’s his best friend and i went to arizona to
scottsdale or whatever attempt
be to do shows that right
and he’s like
let me call my friend he’ll show up at your show
so the dude shows up
and sits down and
starts telling me stories he’s like so i’m in panama
and cause you know there’s no
extradition laws there
and we’re doing mountains of coke and we’re fucking
these girls and
and i’m pissing
all over them and we’re all in the shower and there’s
eight girls for me and
eight girls for my friend and like
these guys just live in a
world that like they make
movies about
and shut and they tell me
these stories and i’m like are they just
are they lying to me to impress me in
the comic and then
you see his website and you go oh okay
there’s guys that are doing that
there’s these joe francis type characters that
are you know like that guy is notorious i think
these guys are
beyond that this really now owns a website called
sugar sugar
it depends on how much
money you have it really does if you’re a sociopath
and you got a billion dollars you can do some damage
you can just go out there and ball all the time
i know some people that
are big finance people that um
back in the
early days of the ufc
and these guys said
tons tons of
money this guy was ugly as fuck
this guy used to
travel all over the country just banging
chicks and he’s always tell me stories
about being in
ibiza and being in russia
and being here he’s just a fucking 20th century baller
this guy was just roaming the country roaming the
world rather just
everywhere party and
especially if you go to other
countries yeah
in other countries people just fuck
okay it’s not like america well
i tour america is a different
rap and you know that because you go to australia like
six months a
year i toured for
about six years
extensively around the
world like doing
china and dubai
and all these
south africa
and i saw some shady shady shit
like you just
start finding out like
prostitutes are 50
around the world
and i was at a
party one night in dubai
where everyone
was so fucked up they went oh let’s get hookers
and when we
found out they were 50
we were like well let’s get 10 each
and it was like we didn’t even want to have sex with
them it was like
it was just out of like you know
it started with
well i don’t
fifty dollars
i just want them to come over and listen to my jokes
like created your own audience
and then everybody gets ten we’ve got
thirty people that’s a decent
night in the or
imagine the audience you could fuck
afterwards that’s awesome
well that’s
this is what happened
i’m not gonna mention the names
cause some of them are
you know comics that work here but there was a
whole bunch of
comics and everybody
started upping the ante
they’re like
i wanted just to have them come over and fucking
pour maple syrup all over them and we’re
gonna swim around the fucking bathroom
floor i want to put
pringles on
this is in dubai
this was in dubai
did you guys worry
about being arrested
cause they have some really
crazy laws over there from the
minute we got there to the
minute we left on this trip we were so fucked up
that it never
occurred to me
and then my next
trip over i got fucked up in customs and thought i was
never coming back what happened
i didn’t have the proper visa
and i tried to leave
i miss my flights
i was all fucked up oh this was the same trip
on the way back
i tried to leave like
the other two
comics got on the
plane i missed the
plane out of
just being so fucked up i was in an internet cafe
i missed the plane
and then i’m like fuck the next flights not for
twenty four
hours to london
so i try to
leave the airport to go to a hotel
and my my visa
was only good for like
three or four days or whatever
so they checked my visa they checked
my passport
and they didn’t
match because my
agent fucked up
oh no my agent
put my middle name or something on it
somehow you easily
could be a spy too look at you
and eight spy look to him
i just took my passport walked away
and i never saw my passport
again till 24
hours later
so i’m without a passport
next thing i know i’m in an office next
thing i know
fucking strip
search i’ve done
they’ve gone through
everything in my bag
they’ve gone
through my computer when they open up my computer
my heart started beating so fast that i’m
like because pornography is illegal in the middle east
and they tell you don’t buy porn don’t the guys are
gonna try to
sell to you in the streets don’t buy it they
could be spy so they looked on it in
every folder in your laptop
they opened my laptop and
and when they opened it i was just like this is it
i’m gonna be in fucking prison
a middle eastern prison for the rest of my life
cause i downloaded like topless car wash angels
you know like that’s
like this is fucked and
i had called my
girlfriend at the time
cause they kept making me go like before they like
kind of held me in this office
they were like
go to this office and i go to this office they be
like go to this office and i kept walking down hallways
they’re like go down
this hallway and they make me walk down this hallway
and there’s a big sign that says
like nobody
is allowed past this
point no one at all like whatever in english it said it
and i’m like
they told me go down that hall and i’m like
i’m not going down that hall like
they’re setting me up or something right
so i call her on the
phone i’ve got my cell
phone oh that’s
crazy and i go listen
i’m in i’m fucked i don’t know what’s
going on but if you don’t hear from me in two
hours call the us embassy
and tell them i’m in trouble
i said something’s fucked up here
and dubai’s supposed to be like the most progressive
place in the
world what but
no it’s not
not in the world but i mean in the middle
east of the middle east
countries yeah
but that’s just
cause they want the
money exactly they want tourism
they want to be
vegas of the desert yeah they look the
other way you see shit like
russian hookers barbecuing sausages on the
beach like topless
and you’re like wait a
minute this
fucking muslim country yeah
they but i’ve
heard of people been arrested
that were making out there so it was just subjective
like they decide
when to enforce it was sex in the city wasn’t it
no no it was real a real couple real couple
was making out
weird fucking shit like we had
we had drinks beers on our van
and i was over there another time
shooting a documentary
and we had beers on the van
after we shot one
night and we had
a female like that worked
for the emirates with us
and the next day we find out like we’re in big
trouble we drank around a female
we were swearing
there was all kinds of shit and they’re like
they’re like you
broke every like sharia law
possible don’t you you
fuck there’s evidence of this well it was kind of like
i was over there with like a guy who’s really important
his his father
is like the attorney for the emirates
right and so it was kind of like
you guys are okay but don’t fuck up
again like like
you so do you have a mark
against you now so if you go to dubai now
i’m never going
again we filmed one
thing where
i put on a dish dash
which is the
islamic well not
islamic but just the garb
that they wear
right in dubai
and you know it’s the white
down in the hat
and they gave
me one of those when i did the
ufc in abu dhabi
yeah and a buddy of mine
just wore them around town we thought it was kind of
funny and we’re just right
and we kept asking people were like we’re okay
right we’re not
breaking any law
and they’re like no no it’s not religious it’s just the
clothing that people wear
and then the girl that
worked for the emirates left the emirates and sent me
an email telling me that there were spies
watching us
the whole time
and i was like
just fuck this shit i don’t need to go back there
yeah who was it
that was telling us
pete johansson was telling us that he did gigs in
dubai and there was
members of the
secret police
would sit in the audience and
watch yeah yeah yeah they did and they
would be in the front row
they’d be totally obvious i think
actually i don’t remember if you said the
front row he
might have said the back row
whatever he said they were
super obvious
and they were
standing there with
their arms crossed just staring
at him the whole time yep
so he’s trying not to
cross any lines trying not to say
anything with the lines you can’t
cuss no no you can say
anything you
want they don’t want you making fun of islam
well remember when we had
what’s his face
how sparks and he was talking
about almost getting arrested he
was doing gigs with john lovett
and he made a mistake of calling the
speaking of
one of the sultans or one of the shakes
and he called them
what do you call
miss sure ms sure i
think he said that i called him the french name for mr
and apparently one guy got incredibly offended
and you know called the religious police and
people showed up and they were
gonna fucking put him in jail for this i seriously
think i could make a movie
about my weekend
the one weekend i went there
it’s really
scary when there’s
other parts of the country where you
travel like that
you know we get used to
behaving and
thinking you have
a certain amount of freedom you know what you do here
this is an entirely free country you know weeds
still illegal you can’t say
i want to kill
the president or if you do they’ll lock you up
obviously it was in character when i said that
the president of kentucky
fried chicken
you know certain
things you can’t say is not
completely and totally free
but for the most part it’s pretty easy to get
along here but if you go to
other parts of the
world they’re incredibly suppressive
incredibly especially the middle east yeah
terrifyingly you
know that’s one of the
things that
people like you know i am
most certainly not for war and not into this war
which i think is a
fucking shady war and shady as fuck how we got into it
but you know
we have to be very careful
about the rise
of islamic power all around the
world the rise of sharia
sharia sharia
sharia sharia law
we have to be
careful of any kind of religious zealots whether
christian zealots or
muslim zealops or
anytime people that
think they can lock you up and they have the
right to because you were having fun
you were out dancing
you were out drinking
i have to say that’s some
scary shit i’ve always been
not anti american but i always rail
against the government on all things but
when i get over there
and this kind of shit happened that’s when you
start to really
appreciate your country
that you go
you know i could call the embassy and they
would take care like
they fight for you sure
all right that’s what
they’re supposed to do you’re the united
states citizens you know
i mean we pay
taxes that’s what it’s all
about you know
that’s the benefits of being a part of the team
but it’s just fucked up that we have to think
about that anywhere
you know i mean yeah the united states
is it’s not perfect
it’s corrupt as shit you know
super corrupt the fucking
the business of government is gigantic
you know there’s
a billion different jobs out there that
literally don’t need to exist
they exist to keep jobs
going to keep the business of government
going and it creates
quagmires and fucking complex little social situations
that’s what i always say to people i
think it’s funny when people criticize the president
i’m like i’m not an
obama fan but i’m not
against them i don’t believe in the
whole political system
i love people that criticize
like he’s the one who’s in
charge like
you yeah i always
fucked everything up
he’s so silly he’s like it’s like wwe
raw you know the
whole political system
and vince mcmahon’s the corporations running it all
yeah and and
but but people that criticize like a guy
you know obama is healthcare
i’m like dude you can’t even fucking return your
videos to blockbuster
on time how
it’s a general lack of
understanding about the
system which i
think most people have and even
me i’ll get like into it i’ll
focus on for like a couple of
months then i’ll go what am i doing
what am i paying
attention to i’m paying attention to this
stupid hustle
this fake thing that barely
you know what goes on in washington barely affects your
day to day life what goes on in your neighborhood what
goes on with your friends what goes on in your world
people that
you interact with that’s what affects your life
if you get really
too hung up and dealing with like washington
and politics and democrats and republicans and
thinking you
understand that system
that’s what’s
ridiculous i
used to work for a
senator and
yeah it was my
first job where
i worked for arlen spector
get the fuck out
of here i swear to god
that evil cunt
you know that guy was on the warrant
commission right dude i
could tell you i just i
started interning for him in college and
and it was like
i thought i wanted to go into
politics or something and then i realized like i’m the
i thought like
that i had the shady side that was good for politics
but i was like
there’s no fun
involved it’s just a fucking torturous horrible
and they are
like everyone says it’s poor man’s hollywood
spectre had like hair plugs
facelift fucking
of course you have to appear
vera to your
audience and
he was just like he was the ugliest dude in the
world and he was
of evil fuck man but
when he would explain
his single bullet theory
if he would sit and explain it to you
after he does it you
would believe him no i wouldn’t
you no i wouldn’t
because i’ve seen the bullet the dumbest thing
about the single bullet is the bullet itself
and there’s almost no damage one through two people
shattered bone
and it’s barely
dented but i’m
telling you in his presence he has this way of
correcting you incorrect
i would not be amused or affected by that dummy
there’s no way that guy’s an evil fuck there’s no way i
would listen to him and
be impressed is it
charming or is he
not in the least it was one of
those things
where i was like how the fuck
did this guy get into politics he was like
and all you have to do is be in dude
once you’re in it’s like being a writer on a sitcom
you know when you work on a sitcom one of the
things you find out
about working
on sitcoms is there’s usually a few brilliant writers
and these fucking fakes
these people that aren’t really
funny at all like
they would never
stand up comedians
someone somehow or another
got them a job as a comedy
writer and now here they are on sitcoms and
you deal with them over and over and over
again and you realize
all you have to do is just get into the system
once you get into the
system then you get
other jobs i gave that
speech once i got a deal a long time ago
to do a sitcom and it was
going to be
about my life and i used to live with my
sister in new york for a
while and they thought that was
funny to the
point of view
we’ll make a show about it
so i met with writers
first i met with
all the development guys and they were like
showing me the writers they were
gonna give me and they gave me the
script of these guys and i went this is shit
this is shit
and my manager at the time was like shut the fuck up
take the money who’s your manager got up
the time it was carrie hoffman
carrie hoffman out of new york he owned
stand up new york oh my god
stand up new york didn’t
carry like he
would get like people
would get sitcoms and he
would want a
piece of the
sitcom because they used to work out in his club
did he do that yeah
that’s hilarious you listen to
stuffers like listen to that
the guy was a manager of a fucking
or owned a comedy club
comics would go up and then perform in his club
and they got
one guy got a development deal
and he wanted
like a certain percentage of this guy’s sitcom
because he used
to practice at his club oh that’s fucking stupid
amazing and he didn’t get it though
of course not of course not
really hard amazing that he
would even chase
after that so i’m
sorry so this guy tells you to shut
the fuck up he’s like shut the fuck up and take the
money and i
i’m sitting in the meeting and
no offense i said i
understand you know that you
think these guys are good writers and
everything i said but i know this whole
system what goes on
guys get in and they get their
buddy and he can’t write
and but then they’ve
been there for ten years and you don’t realize they
never wrote anything good they were just there
and now they get to be a show runner i said
i’ve got millions of friends that
write funnier than this can i can i just go out and get
one of them and we’re jim and i are in that situation
right now where they’re trying to do
a show with us right now
and it’s like
we feel like we could
write the show
there was a time when i had a development deal
where there were two guys that were
writing for friends they were the creators of friends
and one of them branched out on his own
and i got this development deal
and it was for fox and
it was a good amount of
money and so they
really wanted this guy to do it because this guy had
such a great
background well
often what happens is when there’s a team of writers
you got one brilliant guy
and the other guy is this fucking
buddy that you bounce shit off of
you know and so the brilliant guys
bouncing shit off the
other guy and then they put it all together like
maybe the other guy types and
and they become a team so
you want somewhere
along the line the
other guy says you know what i
think i’m unrecognized
my talent personalities
my friend i’m much better
so this fucking
idiot decides he’s
gonna go out on his own so he gets his
giant development deal it was for
it was i zoe
it was michael eisner’s company
and it was a fucking huge development deal millions and
millions dollars everybody was like banking on this guy
and so i go
to meet with the guy they want me to meet with him
i meet with him and he’s wearing
bowling shoes
whenever i see a guy who’s trying to be wacky
you’re wearing bone
shoes aren’t comfortable
those are uncomfortable as fuck
like why are you wearing
those are you wearing
those to let me know that you’re nutty
i might be a
multi millionaire but i wear bowling
shoes to the office
did you just
get done bowling no you’re trying to send a message
and the message is
you’re dressing like you
think a funny person
would dress
tells me you’re probably not fucking funny
so i immediately
get terrified i’m like oh this guy this is a fucking
faker he snuck through
there’s no way there’s no way how
could he get this fucking gigantic
multi multi million dollar deer if he
snuck through
so i meet with the guy
we talk he has an
idea he wants me to be a part of it bubba bubba we meet
and then they give me one of his
scripts the
script that
i read is fucking terrible i mean it’s just god
awful there’s nothing
funny in it at all
and i’m like well
maybe this is just a shit script
maybe he’s got some
other ones maybe there’s a spec
maybe they had him write this
and it wasn’t a subject that he was interested in
so this guy comes up with the
this is his idea for a sitcom
sitcom is about an immortal
it’s about a man who’s immortal
okay and he
existence like
egyptian days
and all he does is like get laid
it’s fucking devoid of comedy
who wants to watch
a sitcom about an immortal
a guy who’s an immortal
he’s been immortal since the
egyptian days and all he does is try to get laid
i don’t understand all
these hooks in these sitcoms when you look at
the best sitcoms that have ever existed
the jobs or whatever they do it’s so
superfluous
all you need is a group of people
that hang out together and have relationships with each
other in the
interesting relationships if you look at like taxi
and cheers and you
could move them to any
other setting and they
would be funny
you know you put them in an office if you well that
wouldn’t it just
didn’t matter what this guy did well this guy was not
funny it didn’t matter if he
wrote about
three people hanging out at a laundromat or
three people who work on the moon he
just didn’t he’s a fucking
idiot yeah he just
snuck in that show
never made it out though
right no of course
it didn’t and i had to tell them we had a meeting
and it was a real controversial meeting it was like
they were upset at me because i was like
this guy sucks and they’re like this guy does not suck
this guy is ba ba ba
he’s this he’s that
he’s done all
these things
and i’m like he’s not
funny i’m telling you this guy’s not
funny this is a mistake
they’re like you don’t
understand there’s
more to writing than just being
funny there’s character development and story arcs
and he’s a guy who really
understands that
and we can bring in more
funny later but what he’s really concerned with
is what we’re concerned
we want a really good
story the story was
it was terrible it was
stupid it didn’t make any sense
it was just
like a guy who’s pretending to be a comedy writer
who got a job
right in comedy
if you took some fucking guy to work for
a fence company
i’m tired of writing fences i think
i’m good writer
i’ve done it i’ve been doing
stand up for 15 years and
it took me 15 14 and
about 14 and a half years to finally realize
that 95 of the people in the business
don’t know anything
about comedy
like well you can’t really
truly understand
unless you’re doing it
i mean i and i’ve lately been putting them to the test
where i’ll say well explain to me why
and when you put them
like when you put them on the hot
screen while
like i’ll say something like why is that
comic doing that or why
should he why do you
think he’s good at what he does or why isn’t he
are you asking
agents managers
yeah everybody
yeah development people
talent scouts
i always do it and i put them to it and they’ll go
well you know he does this really interesting
thing where he’s kind of like not really
observational but he’s kind of political but
he’s more unnecessary i’m like
you have no fucking idea
you have no idea
you all are
sheep and you just follow well it’s not that i don’t
think i think agency
managers are really important
but i think they really can’t truly
understand what comedy is all
about unless they do it
you know unless you do it you’re really
never going to be an
expert on it you
might know a lot
about it but you’re
never gonna really
truly understand it
unless you can recreate
it i have an
agent out of australia
i think you might have
i think you
might have worked
with you when you were down there artie lang
yeah yeah dude
same name as
howard you guy but same now arty
is fucking like
the greatest
agent that has
a great guy he’s fucking amazing and he knows comedy
comedy a little bit
and like you’ll do a
bit and he’ll go why don’t you say this and you’re like
yeah that would actually work better
and i’ll run my sets
by him before i
go on tv and he’s like no no take that out put that in
not saying that he can’t have some
understanding
of comedy without doing it you just can’t really truly
understand it
you know you’re
never gonna
understand the way a comic
understands it it’s all theoretical
until you put it in practice it’s like a guy who does
kata in the gym is pretty sure he
could fare well in a
street fight yeah
but really he’s not really sure it’s theoretical
you know a guy who’s actually fought a
bunch of times is like yeah i’ve
been through this shit before i know what i’m gonna do
there’s a difference but
there’s nothing
wrong with agents and managers that don’t
understand it totally
because they do a great job
i wouldn’t do it and you
wouldn’t do it we’re not
going to sell ourselves we’re not
going to go out and get development deals
we can’t do it
anyway you can’t negotiate for yourself it’s impossible
especially that and be creative
it’s important to have managers and agents
but they don’t
have to know
everything they just have to
shut the fuck up and push in the
right direction if you’re talented
the problem is when you’re not
that talented or when you’re not doing that well you
haven’t become
successful yet
then they start
tweaking you
then they start well we’ve got to figure out what’s
going on here what you need is a new look
you know jamie masada told
my friend todd parker
that he had to be the
generation x guy that’s what he was saying
buddy you are
generation x guy
this is your new hook you go on stage
everything come out of your mouth
generation x i am
generation x guy
have you imdb that guy now lately that
got the friends writer just to see what kind i don’t
even remember his name
i don’t remember his name
but i met a couple of
those guys i
wrote something with one of
those guys a guy who
wrote on seinfeld
fucking terrible he couldn’t
write anything
funny it wind
up me and me writing the funny
stuff and him writing it down
it was a terrible relationship
kerry hoffman did that to uh
to me that once he
tried to change me he’s like i’ve got an idea
um oh what you
never see comedy duos anymore
you we get you and a girl
we get you and a girl
and you do like
still earn mira oh my god
oh my god what an idiot
yeah but uh
what is that guy
still in the business
i think so actually he’s doing
really well because he’s got mike royce and tom hurt
who are really good writers and
yeah i think i think
tom might be on
i always like the guy
and doing his club he’s always nice to me
tom when i heard that shit
about him trying to get
15 percent from me he was kind of like a father to me
he was that he was really good and he actually did shit
that was amazing some of the shit he did was the best
stuff a manager
ever did for me when i went to montreal to do new faces
he sent a tape of me to
every single person
that wasn’t
going to montreal
and i bombed at montreal bombed
and so i was fucked
and then all the people
that didn’t go to montreal saw a tape that was great
and we’re like he’s awesome
what year was this
this was 2000
i think so people were stopping and
going to montreal by then
it was montreal
kinda died out
around that my year
my year of new faces was listened to this it was me
tony rock i believe was in it
dean edwards who got saturday
night live that year dimitri martin
mike berglia
russ moneve
like everybody got something big out of it
and so it was
like the last year then and it was the last year
cause chicken was the year before
yeah that was what i was
gonna bring up we were talking
about this i
think we brought
up chicken on the podcast before didn’t we
well chicken god rest his soul
it’s the most amazing phenomena
and this is the proof that
agents and managers have no fucking
idea they just don’t get it they don’t know what’s
funny and what’s not funny
some of them don’t
i should say
this guy he was this
young kid who is just real boyishly handsome
and he had this really
wacky act like
there’s a screw
loose in him
and he had this like really like
completely over the top act that just
would baffle comedians
they would go this is not funny
i don’t get it oh
dude it was all like
i’ll give you one i remember i audition
for snl with them
he went on stage
and said so and so when they hit a home
run you ever see him they just jog around the bases
he’s like they just casually
jog around if they hit a home run he’s like that was me
if i hit a home run
he’d be like whoa
what the fuck
yeah and he’d like do like flips on
stage and run around the audience and like
throw his arms in the air
and be like
i’d be flinging shit in the air out of my and
everything but people
would almost like
you know if you just see a
crazy man jumping up and down in a
nightclub you’re like
dudes pretty
crazy that’s what he was
yeah he wasn’t
he wasn’t that talented he
tried really hard anyway he
wound up getting this
giant development deal
and just being a complete total bust
like they couldn’t do
anything with him he was just not talented it was just
awful and so
he went into this sort of dark
depression and then
comics hated him
like he was a
punchline for comedians
a bunch of them who just shit all over him
you know i mean
come you know
comics are for one guy’s doing better than you and you
think he’s not as good as you it’s just fucking
venomous hate
so this kid
wound up killing himself in
front of a school
he hung himself on a tree in
front of a school
i didn’t know that
i know that part of i know
i heard the
story when he was at montreal though
like there was so much hype on him
going into montreal that
like that they were
bidding on him before he even went on
stage and i
think he did
as he was going on
stage someone said to his manager
like one of the networks
goes like we’ll give you a million dollars if he
doesn’t step on that
stage cause they knew
his price would even go up once he went on stage
and a million dollars
well his development
deal was a half a million
that was it i’m pretty sure that’s what he got
so they said like we’ll give you half a million for at
least that’s what the
rumor was not to
go on stage
because they didn’t want
the bidding to even go up further so i don’t know i
think that’s
i think that’s a lot of hype yeah
i don’t think that really happened
that doesn’t really nobody does that
but there was
a lot of people that were into this kid and
comics we’d be
standing in the back of the room
watching this kid
flail around on
stage and you know like
literally flail
you know and like he was on fire
and go what the fuck is going on
these are clips of him online you
think that’s
a good question michael ruth was his name i
think i met him
the night we did snl
we’re all back
we’re auditioning caroline’s and we’re all in the
green room and he comes into the
green room and all the
comics kind of know each other
and then he shows up in the green room
and he’s got this energy you know
those energy like
vampires that just
suck all the energy away from everyone else
he starts bouncing around the room going
it’s fucking
crazy i don’t
know what i’m fucking doing here this is like
snls here and i’m fucking like
i’m not even a comedian
i don’t know what you like this is
crazy you guys like do your shit and i just get up on
stage and i’m like
wacky and fucking crazy and
and everyone was just kind of you know
comics were all looking at each
other like dude you
it was almost like he was
psyching us out too
right because we’re all trying to
you know this
is a big deal for us we’re all trying to get on
it and he’s
bringing you into his head yeah
and i thought that’s
what he was doing and i’m like you’re fucking with me
right now and i’m
about to punch you in the face
so you thought he was doing it on purpose yeah and
i’m like i’m not
gonna put someone
really do that
i think there are guys that are
they kind of do that really yeah how
would that work though
that’s a weird strategy to go out and
did you get anything i found some
videos if you want to listen to one yeah let’s listen
to one i don’t like
comics that go yeah that’s him man you go
house the room
doesn’t say anything
about him how he’s dead yeah
did it say oh he killed himself no
you guys got a lot of
white suburban gangster kids here i ain’t got a
voice you guys got a lot of
white suburban gangster kids here
not me but white suburban gangster kids
seventeen year old caucasian boys that look like me
fuck you they said that they’re
black and raised in the hood
walk around the mall here they got the
pants hanging off their ass got the hat on
quick and oh shit what’s up motherfucker
oh shit oh oh oh oh shit
shit he pulled his pants down
it looked like a thong he had on
what a problem
like three days your cell phone we got fax machines
forty five pounds of gold got a seven gold chain
three gold ring two gold teeth in the
whole fucking time his name’s bradley
dumb as shit driving his mama’s minivan
no thank you to watching the dance clubs
doing all those booty dances you know damn
fuck you dude you can’t do it
he pulled his pants down again
his name is michael roof r o o f
so anyway that’s enough of that
anyway that’s not terrible i mean
it’s not the
worst comedy i’ve ever
heard what’s funny when he was
pulling down his pants the
first time he had
taken his underwear and i gave
himself a wedgie so it looked like he had a thong on
it was like a little
touch a little
extra touch nice
there that was
nice he jazzed up the bit
i like the tagline the new
butt crack tagline he added
you know whatever man nothing
wrong with that
i mean i mean it’s not my style
i’m not into it
he was in like
lockdown really yeah
well he you know he had
that big development deal and nothing happened for it
and then i remember like
so many people were so fucking
happy when nothing happened to it
you know and
that’s when it got really ugly for him like
comics were
happy that he was failing
you know and then
there was like
a lot of negative energy towards this but
they used him as an example they
said like he killed the development
yes he did he did kill it
they gave him a
ton of money
and that was it
what really killed it was
their lack of real
talent and ability
to recognize
talent you know these
comics or these
agents and managers they’re really just taking guesses
you know and
that’s what killed it what killed it was all
these big people that
spent a lot of money
and people that were the head of
studios and people that you know they had a
budget and then
they’re like why did we
spend half a million dollars on this fucking
thing like what is this
there’s a lot of that
going on man
you know like this
the friends guy if they sat that guy down said just
write us a couple of
scripts real quick
now let’s look at your
scripts let’s look at your
scripts they read their
scripts and then dude
they didn’t read anything from
this guy before you got this deal i know they didn’t
i know the whole
story behind it everybody was so high on them they just
want to throw this guy money
i’ve looked at a
bunch of scripts lately and i’m like death
death right
i can’t do it
i’ve read a couple of them and
i sigh and i look down at it and i go no i’m not even
going in i can’t go in i can’t do this
you know yeah it
would be nice to do a sitcom
again i love doing news
radio it was a lot of fun
but good luck trying to find another one of
those by the way dave foley’s
gonna do the podcast
got in touch with dave foley
no way yeah
very excited
but you know it’s like
getting a hold of one of
those sitcoms is like
a fucking one in a million and so if you don’t do that
what are you dealing with well you’re dealing with a
bunch of producers
that don’t really know how to do comedy
dealing with a
bunch of writers most of them are not
going to be talented
because if they were talented they’d be working for
modern family
or some of those big shows
so there’s not
that many really good ones that are out there free
right you know
so it’s like your odds of
finding you know a good one are like one in 10 you know
maybe maybe one in 20 yeah i
paul prevents
and i started writing
a movie together on this idea that i had
and i met paul in
edinburgh i was doing the
edinburgh festival and i
kind of did the
thing is a bit and he’s like what
i said oh yeah i’ve
tried to write a movie
about that and he’s like
hey you should
write that fucking movie
this is the bit that
you said is the same as my bit the one that i talked
about on the show
very similar
i had a bit that i used to do
i did it back in the 90s
i just talked
about it on the show the
other day because
we were both on the
green room show together
and there was
we were talking
about like being booed off
stage and like when
people want you to change the subject you’re talking
about and how people get
upset at you
and i said that i used to do this joke
about cloning jesus
because there was a
thing called a
second coming project and the
second coming project was like that’s
funny that’s what we
named the script was the
second coming because it’s all
about the guy jerking off was the opening
scene really yeah okay
there was a real
thing that was in the news
about this many many years ago anyway this
the idea was they were
gonna take like dna from the shroud of turn
and they were
gonna recreate jesus
they were gonna like
clone jesus
but my joke was like and this is a real
thing like they really
think sort of i’m not sure it
might have been a parody
you know there’s a lot of
those that sneak
through by the way rachel matto got busted on a parody
the other day
she was reading a parody
this christian
it’s a fake website
and she was reading
as if it was news
palance supporters really believe that
we have to inject
christianity into
north africa
it’s really
funny so my
bid was dolly the
sheep you know when they
clone dolly the
sheep that shit didn’t come out perfect like
cloning is not an
exact science like
what do they do with the first
jesus of the
clone i mean he comes out retarded
do you kill him and
start from scratch
or do you just you
know and so there’s this
whole bit about it
when i did it
at the comedy
store someone was yelling out
next subject
fat white woman
with fat blonde
hair and fat blonde fingers
just that you know i’m a christian
next subject
like she was so firm and her
wonky beliefs
that she wanted to stop i love
those people it’s just
theoretical idea i mean it’s not a real
jesus we’re talking about
this is a and it’s a real
legit question if they really do
clone jesus
that’s a goddamn
legit question like what if they found
jesus’s bones and there was some dna inside of it
and they could
extract it they knew for sure it was deep
jesus they knew it was his dna
well that’s a real
legit question what if he does come back retarded
because he could come back all fucked up there
could be all sorts that he
could be autistic and
psychopath he could be
black as fuck
that’s probably what it is what if he was that’s what i
think jesus was
black yeah because you can’t start
off white and then go
well there’s a lot of evidence that jesus
wasn’t even real
there’s a lot of evidence that there was no
jesus that’s done mythology yeah and
that this same mythology
repeats itself over and over and over again so
jesus even as a historical figure
is in question you know
there’s like there’s like you know volumes of
pages written
about you know certain caesars and certain you
know rulers of
greece and rome so
the stuff that’s on
jesus is so
it’s really hard to tell whether it’s real
well and also all
those biblical
fucking you know like
everything from all the
matthew mark luke and john there was like
there was the book of q to
know but that
there was a
fifth book of the gospels
apparently that luke
based his book on
i’m not completely accurate and all this
stuff but if you
start reading
about it you’ll find out
that like all four of them didn’t live at the same time
so some of them base
their account on the
other ones because they’ll say it’s
identical of the other one
right so it’s like they just
just based heard a
story yeah and just rewrote it
which could have happened from the beginning
and then there was also like the council of nicea
where these guys went in and decided
the bishops all went okay well we’ve got all
these books we’re
gonna throw out
these ones we don’t like
these we’re
gonna keep the
they just rewrote history the way they wanted it so
i mean it’s
like that on there well you if you find out
about the new testament that’s
where things get really
weird because constantine and a
bunch of bishops created
a new testament that’s the
you know we’re talking
about something that was way
after jesus
death you know if
jesus was a real figure
the whole thing is fucking squirrely
you know the historical account just
me not even saying the religious account the historical
account is very squirrely
i don’t know
and you were
saying something
about recreate
like dolly being retarded
i’ve often wondered
like you know when like a dog bites someone
everybody’s like oh he’s a bad dog or whatever i’m like
you see people
all the time like
people with down syndrome
are there like down
syndrome dogs
yes oh yeah mine’s down
syndrome mine’s
real fucking my
dog’s retired yeah it’s totally retired
your dogs just really really overbred
you know you have a
you have one of
those little dogs yeah what’s it called again
pekingese yeah those dogs man
guess what that came from a wolf
yeah there’s no way you get a good example if that
is what you get from a wolf i
think my dog might be part wolf
really yeah
she’s an aussie cattle dog and she’s
i grew up with jack
russell terriers you ever see those little
fucking assholes
and they they’re really aggressive
cause they used to kill rats they’re fucking so
aggressive sent em
after rats we lived out in the woods and
these things would do one of them
one of them went down a
i couldn’t find him one night i find him down a sewer
under the road
and i’m looking down the sewer grate i see him
and there’s a pipe
way down underneath it runs out to creek
and i’m like fuck he ran up the pipe and he’s
under the sewer there’s no way for
me to get him i look down he’s got a raccoon cornered
oh my god and i’m
like fuck he’s dead he’s dead this raccoon she’s gonna
and all and i’m just
going come on like try to
coach him out the hole
i’m screaming screaming
and all of a
sudden i hear wow
and it goes
and i’m like
fuck my dog’s dead
right my dog’s dead and i’m shining a
flashlight and i don’t see anything
next thing i know my jack
russell drags the raccoon
out of the pipe
my jack russell
killed a raccoon
got cut to about a year ago
i my dogs leashless
all the time people you can call me an asshole
but i don’t believe in putting a dog on a fucking
leash and my dogs well
behaved and
she’s amazing it’s not an asshole if the dogs well
behaved as long as you really know the dog and is well
behaved just when people walk around like pitbulls
without nationals
that’s silly
yeah my dog’s amazing and so the way i used to do that
like a retard when i got it
silly when i get
close to home i’ll go go go home and she’ll run like
200 meters up the road
so i one night see this cat and she
chases she never
would hurt a cat
but she’ll play with them so i go go go there’s a cat
you told her to
chase the cat yeah
but she just plays with the cat
son of a bitch
and so she goes running up the road
and all of a
sudden i hear her go
and i’m like
fuck she’s you know she’s now
fighting with the cat and she’s
never fought before
and i come around
the corner it’s not a cat it’s a fucking raccoon
and i’m like
fuck and the
cat takes are the raccoon takes off so you totally
chase after a raccoon
thinking it was a cat yeah
and how did you mistake the
i don’t it was so
far away it was like two hundred yards away so
i wake up the next day and like
my dog sitting there and her eyes are
crusted shut
and i’m like what the fuck
so i take her to the vet and
the raccoons scratch both are corneas
yeah oh god and he said the
vet said these
things will rip your dog
apart from the
second time
they were fucking junkie
texting and tweeting
while he’s trying to have some convoluted conversation
they said they’ll rip your dog
apart and i said well what
about the rabies and
the rabies aren’t bad in
california but uh
it’s not bad but the raccoon that’s fucking fucking
scary man raccoon
when i lived in new
rochelle new
york i had a big one in my neighborhood that
used to fuck up trash cans
he was gigantic i mean it was like a dog
i couldn’t believe
how big he was and i got a blow gun just so i
could try to kill him
and i was terrified i opened the door it was
small i had a
small little yard
and i would open the door and he
would literally be fucking ten feet from me i panic and
slam the door
i’m like get out of here bitch
my old dog cabo at once i
let him out the backyard and just to go to the bathroom
and i let him out and instead i hear him going
i’m like oh what’s going on
so i go outside and there’s two skunks
i cornered in my little backyard
and the dog’s
about to attack him
and i’m just thinking
i don’t want to get
sprayed i want the dog to get
sprayed you know takes forever to
clean that shit off
my dog got sprayed when i was a little kid
yeah it’s the worst
it takes forever
you use tomato juice
apparently there’s an enzyme
in tomatoes that helps
break it down but not much
tomato and it
doesn’t work
that good you
gotta keep doing it over and over and over
again that dog
stunk for weeks have you ever heard the
billy burr bit
about raccoons
was the raccoon and the little hand
stealing the cat the youtube video
it’s the hardest i’ve ever
laughed at a joke in my life i don’t
think i’m i’m must honor
i saw him at the improv
one night it
was recently so it’s probably like in his new set
but it’s billy show you know
angry billy gets right
right he’s so
angry watching this youtube video
where a raccoon keeps stealing
like cat food like it comes over and keeps
stealing the
food from the cat or from the dog or something
and he keeps
going this little
fucking raccoon hands
and tears were coming out of my eyes i was
laughing i’ve never
laughed that hard at a comics
check it out
cause he’s so angry
about the little hands
and he’s like the fucking little mask on this
it’s pretty crazy that
all dogs came from wolves
yeah you know
when they figured out the genetic lineage of dogs they
expected to be a
bunch of wild canids in there a
bunch of different kinds of canines
nope wolves
all originally was a wolf
what about a dingo
it’s a different kind of dog
yeah well i
mean it’s a canada wild dog okay i know it’s
specific ones like
the dingo doesn’t come from
a wolf does it i don’t know it’s good question it’s an
australian dingo um
yeah the dingoes eat babies
from australia
my dog looks like a dingo
do kangaroos kill people those are
just recently
discussion one time i got out of a car
and i thought it was a fucking
like we were driving through this like neighborhood
i don’t know why we’re in this neighborhood a
simple yes or no
would be sign here’s
i don’t know but i’ve heard
stories that yes
because when we went to the zoo
in australia they told
us the big ones the big there’s big kangaroos i forget
which kinds of the big
ones what are the red ones the gray ones i don’t know
the big ones kill people and they have
a bunch of times
they said you have to be very careful you have
to approach
them in the wild
this thing i read the
other day it
said like a hundred people die a year from it
and then this other
website is like
there’s been a few
known attacks in the history of you know
well yeah there was one
woman recently her dogs were killed the
most recent attack that i
could find online and this kangaroo
drowned her dogs
that’s pretty
fucking gangster
kangaroos drown your dog
i saw the biggest fucking kangaroo
and i thought it was a
statue in these people’s yard
and i was like
fuck who has this
giant kangaroo
statue i mean like ten foot tall what
like it was no what they get to be like
seven feet tall
yeah as tall as your ceiling
and i come on i
swear to god and i got out of the car
dude this is like a ten
foot ceiling i was how many feet i was like ten feet
i was with two
other comics
and i see this
thing over by
these garbage
cans i’m like holy shit look at this fucking
thing and i
start walking towards it
and this comic name
tommy johnson goes
get the fuck
back in the car mate fucking get in the fucking car
and i’m like
what i’m walking towards it
and all of a
sudden i see it move
i know he’s like
it’ll fucking disembow
you made it’ll fucking go
wow and that’s what they
claim i think it’s like an urban myth
that they just fucking
rip your stomach open
no no it’s not an
urban myth people
definitely have been attacked in that manner this
thing i thought they just got
punched a lot
the red kangaroo is the big one
i was trying to find out how that
would fucking
freak me out if i saw a kangaroo that big
yeah no shit i don’t
think they’re that big though i
think you were free if
they were that big of love to try to like
right around in your ceiling
i didn’t think it was ten i thought it was
about seven i’d say seven
seven feet tall this fucking thing
yeah that’s
what they told us when we went to the zoo in australia
it was fucking ten
whoa okay here we go
they can go to
eight feet tall
and weigh 200
pounds holy shit
wow if you’re seeing those
videos eight
feet fucking tall
terrifying that’s insane
i’ve seen herds of them
down and that is amazing
you ever see
those videos of the kangaroos fighting
on like the golf courses in australia yeah that’s
where you see them on
golf courses it’s
not the red kangaroo the gray kangaroos the big one
right isn’t that the big one
i don’t know do you ever see guys fight them
the eastern
grid the boxing level
jesus christ
no the red kangaroo does grow to nine feet fucking tall
holy shit dude
it doesn’t weigh as much as the gray
but the red grows to nine fucking feet it was
the scariest thing cause i got
i got wow i got from here to the curtain i was
ten feet away from it fuck that and i was walking to it
cause i swear to god it looked like a statue
and all of a sudden it like moved its hand
and i went oh my god that’s fucking alive
holy shit that’s crazy
that is so big
and this comic would just start yelling out the
get the fuck in the car
whoa man wow
yeah that’s
scary thing and they apparently
well people are cunting
to them i’m sure that’s probably
why people hate him they
think their rodents yeah
well they kind of are yeah i mean they right
i think they’re kind of gross
i think they’re kind of cool though squirrels must
feel so fortunate they’re not rats
all they needed was just that fluffy tail and
everything’s groovy
and no plague
just eat nuts you don’t
have to eat garbage okay cool cool have you seen the
viral video yet of the rat that goes up the guy’s face
what oh yes on the subway
you get everybody’s to tell me
new york city rats are fucking terrifying
i remember when i
lived in new york
i think i’ve told the
story but i’ll tell it
again for this
i was at a gas station once and i went to use a cell
phone a pay
phone this is how old
the story is
i didn’t have a cell phone
so i step away from my car
while my car is pumping gas
and i go to the pay phone
and i’m on the pay phone and
while i’m on the pay phone i’m
watching rats
big ones like cats
jump in the
wheel housing of my car
climb on the tires
climb down and i am in your car
yes i’m fucking 15 feet away
i stepped over to use the pay
phone and as i’m
standing there on the
phone i’m watching
these rats and
they keep going down this opening in the manhole
there must have been
thousands of them down there
the way they were coming up so quickly
and in such like
rapid succession one
after the other one
after the other
and then down one
after the other one
i’m like there’s just a
of them down there
i would have called
911 and reported my car stolen
so scary dude
there’s more rats than people in
the area like four
i think it’s four rats for
every person oh my
i was walking down mcdougall
street one time home from the cellar one night
and i’m just
walking through in there you know people with
their garbage out in the
street for the garbage went to pick them up
i’m going between garbage and a
building and
all of a sudden
a rat just runs out from the garbage and uses my
foot as like a hurdle its little feet touched my foot
and it was the most i’ve ever been like a
woman in my life i
started like jumping up and down like screaming
screaming because
it’s like that fucking like adrenaline
rush goes and you can’t
fight you can’t
you’re just like ah
what the fuck
imagine if a rat was as big as you
we’re such pussies
we’re such pussies compared to animals ah
we’re so soft and mushy and fleshy
i think it’s the filth
though of the rats that’s just the filth
they’re furious
those are wild that doesn’t
scare me as much as
the filth of them
you feel like they
carry hepatitis and
fucking aids and
everything yeah i mean the
black plague
isn’t that connected to rats isn’t that all
about rats why not a
bunch of plagues have been
about rats i mean
they’re horrible carriers
of diseases
who was it jim norton and
i think as jim norton and rich
voss used to
go to this one park in new york and sit there and
watch the rats and they said you
would see like
thousands of
these rats dude there’s so many of them manhattan
manhattan is so
crazy with rats
i was at a pool
hall once in new jersey this is the scariest
right i ever saw so my friend john we went
we were doing a gig and we stopped home
from the gig to play some pool we stopped this pool
get out of the car
and as i’m walking towards the door there’s a dumpster
like outside
and as i passed by the dumpster there’s the
biggest rat i have
ever seen in my life i mean
it is like a raccoon
it was gigantic
so no bullshit
i’m not bullshitting it was two and a half
maybe three feet long in the body
it was enormous
it had these
huge fucking
nasty yellow teeth
and i don’t know if it was sick
or if it was
dying i mean it
might have been an old
age because it was so big it
might have been the end of the line for this fucking
thing but it was up on its back legs it was
going like this to me
and i was thinking do i kick this
thing do i get a rock
what the fuck i was
just such a little girly man
i’ll never forget the
noise you gotta
think with all the
poison they lay down like you’ll see the signs in the
subway saying you know
careful there’s like poison
everywhere around
they’ve got to be adapting
and mutating
and we’re making some fucking
scary rat is just course right yeah
i mean that’s what happens with bacteria
right that’s what we’re
immersa it’s you know
that staph infection
that people get that’s antibiotic resistant that’s
what it is from fucking is that like the superbug
yeah well the
mersa is the
super staff it said it’s
i don’t know what it actually
stands for but it’s something resistant
staff so it’s
antibiotic resistant
so when people get it it’s like
really really dangerous and it’s really just created by
human beings by
you know us
fighting off different versions
till the only ones to survive were
super fucking
strong that’s why i just read the
other day that and 80
of all the antibiotics in america are
given to animals
like they pump them so full of antibiotics
and the same bacteria that we used antibiotics to
fight off so do
animals so all the antibiotics
they’re taking is causing the bacteria to mutate
which is making us immune to
these antibiotics too
hmm is that true
because i was on
i did a thing
about i talked
about food inc you
never saw food inc
and i got contacted
and this is one of the coolest fucking
things about this podcast
i got contacted by a
bunch of scientists
food scientists
you know people who are
you know involved in you know the
these farms and
one guy who worked for a poultry company
and he was talking to me about it
let me find it here that shows
the difference between
your listeners and ours
you have all these
intelligent people
they’re really interested we get guys who are like
you guys are fat cunts
well i get those two
watch corn too by the way if you ever get the chance to
watch the documentary
about monsanto
that’s where they even go into more detail about
having holes on the side of the cows
so creepy and food
ink there’s a hole inside
this town in
who was according this guy
first of all
when he wanted it and his name is
jacob kim so
thank you jacob
one of the things that he
explained to me
is that chickens are not on steroids and then
what it is is just genetic selection and they’ve
naturally selected birds with bigger and bigger breasts
to the point
where they’re
freaks so they
wouldn’t have survive if they were a real animal
but you know because we grow them just for their tits
so and he also said that what
they’re supposed to do is they’re supposed to cycle
the antibiotics
so when a bird is sick say like they have a
cycle like there’s 49 days he says to grow a bird
so in business terms the farmer sees
profits go down as the flock stays longer than that
so in the instance that a 30 day old flock gets sick
well they’re supposed to wait 21 days
before they kill them
so when they get sick they’re
gonna lose like 10 or 11 days of profit
so if they do something like that and lose
these days of profit
you know it’s like a problem with them so some
unscrupulous companies
don’t follow that and then they send out the bird
you know like 15 days
later and the bird
still pumped up with antibiotics it has a process
to the system
i can’t believe it i know i fucking have
one thing that i didn’t do right
oh shut it off
thanks at amp t
you fucking cunts
my new phone number is
you fuckheads for
giving out at all to 1 800 faggots oops i said it shit
i retired you
stay away from
that work yeah he retired it but it’s been
it’s been feeding it’s been growing in him lately
yeah i find it a
funny word yeah
i don’t i mean
i’m never gonna retire a word come
on yeah yeah
i always said like when they
tried to retire the n word i go what are they
gonna do put it on a banner and
raise it into the rafters at like the apollo theater or
a number it’s retired
you know i apologize for
some gay guy gets mad at me and i’ll just
flirt with him you
just blow him until he
goes to sleep
don’t be mad yeah i do a bit
right now where i say it i go
you know like
the reason that like
gay men are more sexually
promiscuous than men and
women is because
they’ve got time and energy from not
fighting all the time because a gay fight
you know it’s just like hey
those shoes don’t match
your belt and he’s like really let’s fuck and
you know like that’s
please gay guys beat the shit out and that’s the
other thing gay guys can beat the
other shit out of each
other and they
cop show up like what happened he
punched me we’ll hit him back faggot
that’s funny
so anyway back to this guy’s
what the guy was explaining to me
so no steroids for
chickens that’s not true but there it is true for cows
so cows are jacked
cows are totally jacked up on hormones
but no hormones at all
are no steroids
on chickens
cause i eat all
grass fed stuff
i order all my
meat from us wellness meats
dirty hippie
yeah no no it’s good
grass fed beef tastes
really good
fucking had a
strip last night and pork chops
grass fed pork
chops yeah i ordered
we need pop
shields by the way because pork chops makes a big
yeah terrible
noise in people’s ears
i ordered those
but i yeah i eat
the paleo diet
do you know
that yeah so i eat that diet and i’m into all the
grass fed shit
and my chicken breast that i get
are grass fed and they’re fucking massive
and i’m like
this is weird i
heard the whole
thing was when you buy organic and grass
that you’re just not getting
the fuck they’re bigger
chemicals in the grass
yeah how’s that
possible i don’t know
if there’s any
steroids yeah
what’s going on that grass
oh hey so what did you
think about that
movie into the void to the void i saw it last
night i shut it off
after the car accident when
the fucking
the parents were killed in the car accident i’m like
first of all
you just you
showed me a girl who’s a prostitute and a stripper
okay and then you showed her
happy family
fuck you okay
that’s more science fiction than the dmt shit
cause that’s
just shitty writing to me you’re showing me
this girl who loves her brother
and how much do you love me i love you so much you’re
just jerking with my emotions man this isn’t good
story writing this is nonsense
what i liked
about the movie was
the first person perspective
it was like i was in a video game
that was cool the
blinking of the eye
you remember
you could actually see it
where the character
blinks they
would have it
randomly every 5 10
seconds and then
when he goes into the dmt trip did you
think that was pretty realistic
no i thought it was
amazing it was interesting yeah but it wasn’t realistic
first of all
you couldn’t explain what the dmt trip looks to
a person you couldn’t
recreate it with like cgi
because what it is isn’t possible
what you’ll see it
doesn’t make any
sense what i’m saying
but when you have a dmt trip
you’re not seeing anything that can be recreated
it’s impossible to recreate it’s like
what i’m watching there was just some
swirly cool shit and like really interesting but
when you see it
when you see
a dm teacher it’s just
first of all it’s a million
things at the same time it’s a
bunch of different things
no matter how you
depending how you look at it
it’s a different thing
i really liked how there was so much detail too
cause i’ve noticed this on past hallucinate
trips before like
little things like
after he was tripping
like he shut
this door and the door kind of had like a red
pulse when he shut it
and stuff like that
now what did you
think about the big
even at the very beginning
where you were
hypnotized in a seizure
where it’s just
flashing all
those logos that’s
crazy like that happens throughout the
movie in some
points you’re just like all
right they’re
brainwashing me
right now this
is this is like from the government or google yeah
hey dm that
that kind of shit though i’m
starting to wonder
about that with i’m such a
i’m not a conspiracy theorist but i am paranoid
so really i’m
completely paranoid and
or i can get there and i’ve
gotta like close the
neuro pathways
you know and just fucking like try to
bring myself back from it
cause i can go totally into that
where i’ll start
thinking like
anything like a fucking sitcom
you know like
well you had a real
freak out recently then we talked
about this on the
green room where
you you got
super paranoid from weed
yeah and i’ve had it happen
it was the second time it happened the
first time i
ate a pot cookie in australia the
second time i just smoked
but you said something
really interesting to me you know he said i can’t
smoke pot i said yes you can
he said i have to go to therapy first yeah
like what do you have to go therapy
about breathing
exercises i don’t fucking know but it just put me into
panic attacks and
well i thought
i thought it was just the week the
first time it happened
didn’t we haven’t we
smoke weed before didn’t we
smoke weed in florida you know it’s another
funny story yeah
you know it’s a
funny story one time i was at a
medicinal marijuana benefit that you were like playing
you were like doing a show at the comedy
store for her and calvin okay
brian callan and i came over and
some girl was with you like
like that was in charge of it or something and she goes
she had these
muffins and i had no idea that i didn’t know that
you were a big pothead i didn’t know that what it was
and i was starving and she goes do you want a
muffin and i’m like yeah i have a
muffin so i
ate the muffin
and i’m like
these are really good and she’s like yeah and then i
calendars what’s
the show and you go it’s a benefit from
additional marijuana
and i go it
click i went
did i just fucking eat a pot
muffin and she goes
dude i remember this
yeah and i went like this i
count i go i
gotta go i gotta go i
gotta get home
right now and i
drove home as fast as i
could cause i knew it
would take you know like
twenty minutes for to kick in
and i just didn’t
wanna be out
with it going on and just be
and i was like fuck i
gotta cause i
had eaten pot cookies before and i was like i
gotta get the fuck home so what happened
so i drove home as fast as i
could i get home
and it kicks in and i just had the fucking
greatest experience all
alone and i’m having
like a wonderful night
and i called a girl i know can
you go to 7 eleven for me i need this this this this
and i just was
laughing and she’s like
you’re high i’m like yeah yeah
but i the first time i did it was in australia
and i had such a great time i had to do a show
three nights in a row
by the third night the same
exact audience
oh my god every
night that’s ridiculous so by the
third show i’m out of shit you know i’m down to my
worst stuff
and i’m like
so right before i went on
stage i had a pot cookie thinking
this will be home i did like an hour and 45 minutes
and they’re like
it was fucking brilliant and i’m like what did i talk
about they’re like you talked
about the mach
3 razor for an hour
and i’m like really
and they’re like we don’t even have it here
that’s hilarious you ready
to record your set
that would have been great
i’ve had two
freak outs were when i went to the hospital and was it
pop related
pop related
and once where the
ambulance came to my
house and i
but now i don’t get that anymore i don’t get that
anxiety or anything like that
unless i eat it and
then when i eat it it’s not good well also i mean it
depends on what’s
going on in your life
you think yeah
i should be getting paranoid i
should be dead
right now then why
because i smoke pot
every day and my life’s
crazy you know your life’s crazy
yeah well you know just all this shit lately
if that’s what you’re saying
no no it’s not no
i don’t think your life’s
crazy man i
think your life
is saner now than it was just a couple of years ago
do you remember you well
no more getting into personal details but
you know what i’m talking about
the problem is alright and
here’s the number one problem with eating it is that
nobody knows what the fuck it does to you
you know nobody tells you they just sell
these things at the pot stores
oh is that a pot
brownie oh i’ll try eating it
not knowing that it’s it’s it’s way more powerful
way way more
powerful and it lasts forever
i ate a pop
brownie once and i
swear to god it lasted
twelve hours yeah this
first one lasted
about twelve fucking
and they told me it was
funny i was having a great time
i was in adelaide
australia i’ve been
drinking all day
and then i ate
half a cookie and they said
just eat half
nothing happened i go i’m
gonna have the
other half and they were like all
right i did the
other half having a
great time and all of a
sudden i turned around
i got to go to the
kitchen i turned around and looked at
these girls and i go
make it stop
whatever we have to do
to stop this let’s
stop your trip
yeah i was like can we is there any way to like abort
right now and they’re like
all right calm down and i’m like no no
no we need to fucking
stop this and they’re like why you being such a bitch
i don’t know but what
started happening it was around a
bunch of girls
man why don’t you pull it together hey remember when i
tripped out of fear factor i had to sit with all those
girl interns in
their car and i kept
it together though
he didn’t yell
at anybody to make it stop i thought my eyeballs were
shocked him when he
first came here from ohio he had nothing
he had no resistance he was used to this ohio weed
which you might as well have been
mexican brickweed
might as well been smoking talcum powder and
nonsense that’s a terrible example cold bond
and i gave him a pot lollipop
these fucking beyond bomb
before beyond bomb went to jail
they were operating a
multi million
dollar operation out of oakland and the dea
rated them during
the bush administration and we had two
we had one on the way there
and then like half hour later
you feel anything i’m like
no not really and then so we took another one cause
i think you were new to the
lollipops too at the time
didn’t really know
the length of how long
the wait this is getting me a
panic attack right now
i’m sitting and
he drops me and goes oh hang out here in this
trailer it was like the
trailer with all the managers and directors
producers and
stuff like that
i’m just thinking
about not knowing anybody
and it hits me they were all
super friendly oh they’re totally cool but i mean my
heart started
pounding i started
freaking out
i go and sit on the curb and then in between
breaks you come out like how you doing i’m like dude
fucking stone
i’m having a
panic attack
and you’re like dude i
still have a mic on everyone and so now
everybody in the
trailer now hears me and
so then he’d like
drop me off in
these interns
car and just sat there and talked
about fucking
sex in the city or something
i think i told you this i know
these little dudes that i used to kind of
it was a girl that was friends with
their little brothers
and they were big potheads in high school
and we used to hang around we were in college at
their house and
they’d always they were up to note like they’d grow in
their backyard they
tried everything
so they were making pot cookies one
night and they make them and they
leave them out
kind of a wealthy family they have like a maid and
everything they
leave the pot
cookies out because parents are always out of town
the maid puts them in baggies and puts them
in the cookie canister
dad comes home
grabs two cookies
two full cookies and eats them
rushed to the hospital
thinking he’s having a
heart attack
that’s hilarious
and i say to the kid like they’re telling me the
story i’m like
so did you tell him they’re like fuck no wow
that’s hilarious so did he ever figure out that he was
medicated like the
whole family
had a panic attack
yeah you know
one kid went to jail because
they dosed their
teacher up in school
they gave the
teacher pot cookies
i remember in high
school we used to always
try to sneak in
laxatives in our
teacher’s coffees and
stuff and then
i look back and i’m like that’s fucking rude
cause i mean i remember getting like
melting dangerous
and pouring the
whole thing
dangerous too
it’s evil i heard
about a fraternity once you know all
these dumb fraternity pranks
at where i was this college like george
mason when i was doing
a show there they go oh yeah we got this fraternity
that at the end of hell week they
they feed them spaghetti
they give them
this big spaghetti dinner that the like little
sisters make for them
and then they feed
them like chocolate pudding but it’s full of ex lacks
and then they make them
climb a tree
and they’ve got to
spend the night in a tree like
the top guy
gets to go to the top of the tree
and all the way down
so like if you’re an asshole
you’re down at the bottom so they’re shitting on
each other they’re just all shitty
like a tree fraternity
things are so disgusting
they’re just preparing you for just to be
fucked with
and being some cunty
group where you get to fuck with new people
just taking advantage of the people that have the
least amount of power
and the people that want the most from you
the only good thing
about fraternities was
going to their parties
and like fucking those
their sorority girls i did
stand up at a fraternity once i’m pretty sure
i know it’s supposed to i know i did a lot of college
a lot of college gigs and like
weird spots like
cafeterias and shit and rec rooms and
did one in the cafeteria
where i had a
stand on actual cafeteria tables
it was like that was the
stage it was a table it
stood on a cafeteria table
but one fraternity
stunt that i
heard that was the craziest was they made this guy
drink water and he died from
water oh yeah you
drank too much
water what’s that called
hypnotremia yeah
it’s premature
drowning yourself
yeah it’s not nuts though but you
drink out all your salt
and then you
dehyde like you
weirdly left
it almost happens with
this new starbucks size
jesus christ i’ve been
drinking this
iced tea forever and i’m
still only like
we are such
gluttons hold that up to the camera
for folks that
don’t see it at home this is the new starbucks 32
ounce and this is a
this is just an
iced coffee
or an iced tea rather yeah here’s the old size
and here’s the
other size and it’s
thicker too or bigger
it’s not only taller but it’s
wider wider
yeah i got that hit 32
ounces right
in a marathon i ran a marathon it
drank too much water
i panicked like you just shouldn’t change your fucking
habits but everybody goes oh you know make sure
you hydrate make sure you hydrate make sure you hydrate
so i drank like fucking like
ten bottles of
water before the race
like oh wow and
i knew i started pissing like so much
that i went
fuck i’m gonna piss all my salt out
so i went up to i
never thought
about that ever a day in my life i went up to a coffee
table and you know they
coffee and i go
i go to this
woman i go do you have salt packets
i need fucking salt i just want to down some salt
right big fat
black woman goes
who put salt in
their coffee
and i’m like
just give me fucking salt
and i knew it was
gonna fucking happen
and sure enough i hit like the sixteen mile mark
and i hit a wall i’d
never hit in my life
because i was just
nothing left in it i’ve
never heard of anybody doing that before i
never even thought
about i know a
woman died in i
think it was sacramento i want to say there was a radio
stop they did
where she had a
drink a lot of
water yeah that was like a year and a half ago
tears yeah and it was like we were
on the crosstown
radio station
you know we were on like one of
their competitor stations and they were telling us the
story like how
fucked up it was
you know that’s i remember
that shit man
death some water
woman who was
trying to win like an xbox for her kids or
something crazy
i think i was some northern
california sacramento i thought it was but
might be san jose
but northern
california whatever it is but just like
fuck man drinking
water drinking
water we’re so
bitchy we’re so fragile
this is there a dog out there that
could die because he
drinks too much
water no we suck
we’re such pussies
yeah but it’s that’s an anomaly
that’s like a
then you see guys that i know a dude
who this fucking
crazy dude that i
know from new jersey
who drank bleach
and he’s alive
he’s the dumbest
this guy went to penn
state and my friends all know him and they all talked
about him i finally got to meet him
and he’s just a fucking maniac he sells mack
trucks now i
think that’s what he does for a living wow and
they knew him
from this fraternity they’re like this dude
fell off the roof
four times everybody knows a guy like that and i’m like
why would you keep
climbing up there and they’re like they
would like put like signs don’t let him on the roof
he would still go up there and fall off so
they tell me he chugged bleach and i’m like
i did a shot of it or something
and i go i don’t
believe it i don’t believe it so i meet him one
night or i see him and i go hey dude
i go hey dude
i think his name is regan or something like
is it true you
drank bleach
he’s like yeah
and i go why
and he goes
cause it’s set on the bottle
if you drink this you will die
am i dead no
and that was like his
whole point
was fucking
philosopher
i know homeless people used to
drink rubbing alcohol
when they couldn’t get real alcohol
or something like that do you remember michael dukakis
yeah michael dukakis when he ran for president
who’s running for president and his wife
kitty dukakis
was such an alcoholic
that she began
drinking shaving
cream and and shit like that
yeah she she was
drinking like nutty shit
and she got rushed to the hospital believe is shaving
cream something you know
aftershave something nutty
do you work the stress factory in new jersey
i have vinny bran told me a
story i forget the
comic i think he was one of those like
famous prop comics
but in his day
was like a really bad alcoholic
and i’m like i
could be wrong with who the
comic is but
lenny schultz
crazy lenny
i don’t think it was
lenny cause i
think the guys
lenny’s not dead is he
i don’t know
whoever it is i
think is dead now but
lenny was really old
he went in fucking vinny’s office and
drank cologne
what like he came out and then he
smelled his breath and was like what the fuck is
wrong with that much of an alcoholic
the chicks have you
heard of it like when girls
fall asleep
with hair dryers in
their beds that’s like an actual
you know a lot of girls do that
to keep warm or something like that or the
sound of it and they
have you heard of that before they just full
blast hair dryer
in their bed in
their bed it’s actually a condition
what yeah that’s awesome people are so nuts man
this kitty dukakis thing
she was rubbing alcohol that’s what she drank
you know i thought she died
i guess she was rushed to the hospital i mean i
guess you can die but how
crazy is that this guy was running for president
just goes to show you how much your
world is falling
apart when you’re running for president
you know i mean how much
effort do you have to put into it’s a reason why
these guys go gray
like a year
after they get into office you know
the amount of stress and the
i mean he wasn’t paid attention to his wife at all
don’t you think you’d know
if your wife was
ready to drink rubbing alcohol
like baby how you feeling
thinking about
drinking some fucking
cologne what
let’s talk hold on
listen i can’t talk i
gotta run for president but
don’t drink cologne
i’ll be back in
twenty days
baby i’m talking
about drinking some rum
clone don’t
don’t drink my perfume
well she was
apparently she
was taking antidepressants or something to
she’d been taking an antidepressant prescribe
this is like antidepressants back in the fucking
eighties you know what were they
i’m amazed ground up bleaches
what did they
serve you in nineteen eighty nine for antidepressants
cocaine coca
cola what kind of
antidepressants
they have they didn’t have the good shit
just drink a coke
thorazine no that
wasn’t a franny
or something i don’t know
prozac right wasn’t prozac
one of the early ones
i don’t know
dude i know so many fucking parents that dope up
their kids i know two parents or
their kids are just wild they’re
crazy and the
parents don’t pay much attention to the kids
so the kids are on drugs that’s they
put the kids on some
medication you know
dogs people give dogs antidepressants dude
fucking anxiety drugs and my old neighbor she
still live down the
street from me
and you know i didn’t know her that much but you just
hi how you doing what’s going on
and her kid was you know always running around and you
know playing fucking
dragons and
swords like kids do
you know i always
gotta gotta get him on something there’s something
wrong with him i
gotta get i’m like there’s nothing
wrong with your kid it’s a kid
when kids are
fucking four and you work all day and you come home
they’re wired to the gills okay no one’s
watching what they’re eating they’re eating
candy all day
and they wanna go
crazy and go nutty
you’re just old
you forgot what it’s like to be a five
year old this is how five year olds are they’re fucking
crazy five year old boys are crazy
and she had them doped up and then this
other lady i know same fucking
thing her kid was wild
he was running around
crashing cars into
everything she’s like there’s something
wrong with him i
gotta take him to the doctor i’m like there’s nothing
wrong with your fucking
kid yeah fucking
kid so she’s got him doped up too you know it’s like
jeffrey it’s
amazing that that’s even
an option jim jeffrey said his mom used to wake him up
every morning with a
glass of orange juice
and ritalin
and she would just
open up like
he said he didn’t even know what it
was she just be like open up and just pop them in his
mouth and make them
drink it down
well you know when you develop a kid incorrectly
some people are just
mentally imbalanced that is a fact there’s some people
there their hormone
levels or their
chemical levels their
brain are just fucked up and they do need some help
but there’s
other people that just were
somebody raised them shitty
just did a terrible job barely fucking
paid attention to him and the kid developed all this
nutty behavior
and getting it out of someone
it’s way harder
to get something out of something someone
once it’s in there once they’ve already developed some
wacky patterns
or behavior and they have like a certain associations
very difficult to get that to change
what if you could just
you know it’s way easier to
raise them correctly from the beginning
to try to turn someone around once they’re fucked up
it’s like how many people that you know
that are a mess
that have fucked up lives ever pull it together ever
you know ever
so few but so few people
with anything i know a chick
who used to prostitute herself oh
and she was like the nicest girl in the
world i knew
two girls that kind of like went to prostitution
and there you
wouldn’t think
either these girls but she was doing like
craigs with
craigslist hooking and shit and um
she you know it had like the molestation
thing and all that fucked up stuff
and she went to therapy
and i said why don’t
you tell you know did you what’s your therapist say
about it and she’s like i don’t tell him
i’m like well
you need to tell your therapist
that you were molested
and all this
stuff and work on that shit
and she did eventually
and she’s like
married and i
think she and
her life is good
it she really is a product of like it actually
cleaned up that problem
people can do it man you can change it’s just you
gotta be fucking goddamn committed
staying on that trout
you almost have to become
addicted to changing
you know you have to like
get so and it has to get ingrained in you so deeply
after so long a time
that it actually becomes your new way of
thinking and your new behavior
i mean if you
just go back and look at yourself i mean if i had to
be myself at
21 i mean i couldn’t imagine if i had my 21 year old
brain today i
would be fucking insane i
you know i’d have nothing i
would never
light the house on fire i
would fucking
drive my cars over
cliffs i mean
i feel like last
night would happen in my
house i had my 21 year old
brain yeah you guys had some nutty ass podcast
on fuck what was i
gonna ask you i’m afraid to go to my house
so you never
finished what happened to you
in the most recent
pot thing where you
sent me a message yeah yeah
yeah i was in new zealand and
i i’d smoked a few times
arch barker
and i are really
good friends and when we’re australia we go to his
house and we just
and he’s another guy that’s huge in australia
massive he’s
like in australia he’s like chris rock is in america
right yes wow
like like dane cook
yeah that massive
like like crazy
sells every
ticket he puts out and i’ve
heard of him in america
he’s funny as fuck but it’s
crazy that cartoon the guy
he’s fucking hilarious and it
and he was doing well in america he’s
on flight of the conchords you know he’s got a career
here yeah it’s not that he’s doing bad but he’s a
superstar with a
superstar there and he loves it and it’s a
great place so he
splits his time there
no he’s there now permanently permanently yeah it’s so
crazy he said fuck it
he bought this great
house up in the middle of like
it’s out there and he’s got a farm and he just loves it
now you’re huge in australia too
but you want
to be over here more yeah i’d much rather be here
why is that
just you know i’ve got family here and
stuff and getting back the 15 hour flight’s not easy
it’s brutal
it is brutal
they fucking
crush you the
crusher spirit
those flights you
i fly i yeah
go there in
three weeks
i’m going i’m
going to are you
gonna be in town
i’m i leave
sydney like the day you show up oh really shit dude
could hook you up with some
yoshi ticket
what’s what
what day is your
um i got two shows because the
first show sold out you at the end and
morgan no no i couldn’t get in there there was a band
because the
ufc the what happens is the
ufc books their stuff
kind of like late
in comparison to like
stand up and concerts
like if you go to a concert
venue most concert
venues are book six
months to a year out so
for the ufc
it’s not that far out like
we don’t and we
haven’t announced
yet we got some shit announced
right now that’s in
april but there’s some
still some stuff and
march is up in the air and the may
stuff’s up in the air and the june
stuff is up in the air
some of them get
confirmed and some of them are
still up in the air
and the problem is
sometimes i don’t find out until like
maybe the latest
the earliest is
three months out
right three
months out it’s
tough to get a gig
cause they’re all all the
venues are booked on
friday and saturday nights
so it’s saturday
night i’m at rudy hill
wherever that is i know
rudy hill rsl
yeah i know it i know supposed to be in a fucking
neighborhood
i think you must be is a list promoting
the same people that promoted
the last time yeah
those are my guys yeah yeah yeah they’re
great yeah same guys yeah
you you pack that
place yeah sir the
first ones already sold out the
second one so and by the way
if you want to go to
mandalay bay this weekend it’s almost sold out friday
night at the
mandalay bay theater
and there’s
gonna be a it’s
gonna be ari shafir
and joe dia
so it’s gonna be fucking
crazy it’s a big
giant place but
i’ve been pimping
the tickets for a long time so it’s almost sold out
so um this is the the
place i’m doing in
sydney as the rsl club you
ever you ever working yeah i think
is it good yeah yeah yeah
you’re in it’s a it’s like it’s an rsl ourselves like
their retired service league
yeah which means it’s like their
veterans clubs
right and so it’s like a vfw you’re playing
so how come people
tell me to get the fuck out of the neighborhood
you think you
think you’re like fuck i’m playing a vfw
but in that
place they’ll
have a big fucking it must be pretty big what’s
it what’s this capacity i
think it’s like 800 so yeah
they’ll have like this theater within there like
but in every little town
they have these
rsls and it’s
where you go to drink
cheap before you go out at night
right and they got poking in italian club yeah
but why are they
telling me to get out of town because it’s probably
they said it’s
a shitty neighborhood yeah they’re like if you’re
gonna party don’t
party there get the fuck out of there
get back in the city why is it creepy
yeah it’s just a fucking suburb
it’s like playing like
if you were in clifton
clifton new jersey and you’re not
and you sometimes it’s fun
being the suburbs though sometimes it’s fun being those
weird fringe
places well they’ve got
you know they’re there
their rednecks
are called bogans bogans bogans so they’re like
crocodile dundee is that a no
they’re more like
they’re guys that are into like nitro
circus kind of shit
they’d call
they’d call them
against circuits like circuit
is that mean
nitro circus that
mtv show at the
pat dewitz and
travis pastrana
i’ve know that
the motorcycle
motorcycle jumping and all that oh yeah
so they’re just
like fucking you know guys like to have fun and
adventures yeah there
a lot of guys in australia fucking ride
motorcycles and they drive utes
which are like pickup
trucks as well
as a goddamn manly country
yeah extremely
goddamn manly what is that
about is it the prison colony
thing i think it has a lot to do with that has to
fucking beautiful
place man australia so gorgeous
and and i so like i serve
down there and the surfers there just
crush americans
are like really
every dude there
you think he’s a pro
like you’ll just go to hate
like some guy like hey you do you surf
and he’ll be like
yeah dude a little and you want to go tomorrow
you’ll go the next day and be like dude
you should be on tour like really fucking all amazing
well they love the ufc man
ufc sells out there in like fifteen minutes time every
every single time we’ve been there we’ve been there
twice but every single time
it breaks records sells out
quicker than anything
it’s fucking nutty and they love george sodoropolis
they’re one guy they got one famous
australian guy
he’s a fucking
great dude yeah he’s a top contender
right now in the ufc too
nicest fucking guy in the world
but he’s a perfect aussie just a fucking
savage they have
they have a real fucking like
they call them blokes
like a guy’s a bloke and they’re very blokey
and women complain
about it like in
sydney i always say that like
you can’t even talk to a
woman in a bar
cause the guys have fucked them over so badly
you go up to
go and be like hi she be like go fuck yourself cunt
and you’re like
really whoa what did i do and it’s not what you
did it’s what the last 20 guys that dealt with her did
so the girls are on the defense of and
cause the guys just it’s all
about your boys
but don’t they have a different
attitude towards sex in australia they’re much more
permissive much more
i would say they’re
pretty much
fucking everywhere
but america
that’s one thing you don’t realize
about america is how
i mean obviously
the middle east is
worse unless you’re a little boy
but in the middle east they love
to fuck little boys that’s an awesome time for them
but as far as
like european
countries we are so fucked up in
comparison to them like our
whole repression
all that shit that doesn’t
exist over there
they’re in argentina
south america
south america commercials yeah they’re
super long well i’ve
heard i’ve heard i don’t know how true this is i read
or it was in it was
statistic in
jesus camp did you see that film
it said two
thirds of america’s born
again christians
no that’s what
it said in the beginning of that film i don’t
think that’s correct i
think probably two
thirds of the people they talk to are
evangelical
you know finding the numbers
for 300 million people that’s so problematic
not only that you
gotta add in mexicans
you know cause there’s a lot of undocumented people in
this country and who knows how many it is i mean i’ve
heard millions and millions in california
alone so who knows how many it is nationwide
so knowing how many people
are actually christians and
evangelical christians or people
who believe the
earth is less than ten thousand years old you know
it’s the numbers are who the fuck knows what the i’ve
heard fifty
one percent believe the
earth is less than ten thousand years old
fifty one percent believe
in a biblical version of the bible
that’s fucked up
oh which by the way play that fucking clip i say yeah
god we have to play this clip bill o’reilly man
now by the way bill o’reilly went to fucking harvard i
think about
riley’s i think he’s a
troll i think he’s playing a character i think you
might be rob
almost pause i
think he’s he’s very clever as to what
like the kind of shit that
he supports and the way he supports it is so asinine
that it’s almost like he’s
trolling it’s almost like a
subtle parody
yeah here’s why i
think that i used to do
sports radio in new york city i was on
wwe which is
the station
opin anthony
ron and all that
i was the morning show with this guy
named sid rosenberg sid
sure i know
sid rosenberg
i do a show in
miami all the time sid’s
a sports expert
i knew fucking
nothing it was supposed to be like love lines
where he was the
expert and i was the comedian right
and sid wanted me to be an expert in
sports and i don’t give a shit about
what the fucking guy’s stats are so did he ask you to
learn the stats
no but there was constant conflict between the
two of us because how long did you work there for six
months and i was like i’m getting
the fuck out of here so he was telling you hey read the
sports book yeah and
he’d be like did you
watch the game last
night like no
and he’s like why not
i’m like i didn’t fucking want to you know and i’m like
just let me
fucking be funny
right i’ll be funny
and he’s like but you gotta be
funny about
sports i’m like no i don’t i just have to be funny
so man that always bugs me when i listen to
sports radio and they’re like and how
about mchenry
with the play in the
ninth does he
think that that’s
gonna get his contract extension
but don’t bump
but it made me fuckin like
cause i realized the only way you’re
gonna get ratings and be interesting
is i had to
basically take on a character
and i would sit there and criticize
these athletes and
these coaches
that i didn’t even
watch the fucking game people love
to do that by the way i
wouldn’t even
watch the game
and i’d be like jim fossil he’s a fucking
pussy did you
see what he did last
time did you say fucking pussy
i wouldn’t say that but i be like he’s a
can you put i said
pussy i’d go he’s a
pussy he’s a pussy
and the next
thing you know
you know all his fans are calling yeah
i’m gonna kick your ass man how
could you say that
how could it
and i would just try to incite people
to create radio
right and i
watch fucking bill o’reilly
and i’m like
he’s doing the same shit there’s no possible
way he might be he
we know i definitely
think he’s playing towards his
market he has a
market and he’s concocted this
this gigantic
conglomeration of retards and old people
that think that he makes sense
but this is one of the the most
troll like things he’s ever said brian
check this out
he’s talking
about the moon
this is on bill o’reilly
com you can find it on youtube
backstage conversation backstage with bill o’reilly
david beverly hills florida
what do you mean
when you refer to the tides when you ask
about the existence
of god science explains the tides
the moon’s gravity pulls on the
ocean okay how did the moon get there
how’d the moon get there
look you pinheads who attacked me for this
you guys are just desperate
how’d the moon get there how’d the sun get there
how’d it get there
can you explain that to me
how come we have that
and mars doesn’t have it
venus doesn’t have it
how come mars has two moons by now
how’d it get here
how did that little amoeba get here
call out there
how’d it do it come on
you have an order in this universe you have an
order in the universe
tye comes in
tye goes out okay
yeah the moon does it fine how’d the moon get there
who put it there
did it just happen
okay if we have
existence if we have life
on earth how come they don’t have it on the
other planets
but we just lucky some meteor do this
come on you know i see this stuff it’s desperate
science is desperate
it takes more faith to not believe
and to think that this was all luck
every all this human body the intricacies of it and
everything else all luck
than it does
to believe in indeed
two things i want you to do right now two
things i want you to do one i want you to go look up
bill o’reilly
scandalous voicemails
because he left a bunch of voicemails on his assistants
his assistants
phone about
rubbing her down with aloof of sponge and
fucking all kinds of creepy
shit and he wanted to paying her off
don’t you don’t you
think that bill o’reilly’s
the kind of guy that really needs to get really high
yeah and then
and then he
might go holy shit
i take back
i take back almost
everything i’ve ever said
yeah for sure he would
because it would
allow him a different perception that he probably has
never entered into if he does believe that shit
but it’s i don’t know if he does or
doesn’t i think he does
and this is why i
think he does i
think he does because he’s got a
tremendous ego
and i think you know he’s one of
those guys that
he’s he’s saying something all the time
i don’t think he
would say something all the time
unless he believed it
you know this this
whole thing i
think you know i
think he’s definitely
preaching to the
choir and i
definitely think he’s
trying to fit a mold
and trying to appease his constituents
all the people that listen to his show
but i think
it can’t be
contrary to what he really believes
because he’s got too big of an ego
for him to be on tv talking
about it all the time
eventually he’d implode he
wouldn’t be
able to deal with that if he really did have
an intelligent
argument that was
contrary to what we were saying
i don’t think he
would be saying it on the air i just
think his ego is too big i don’t
think he’s that genius
he’s not andy kaufman
he’s not some
brilliant trickster that’s fucking
fooling the
world i think
these guys they
start playing a character and then
they sort of like dice clay it
they become
the character yeah what’s number one dice clay
do you know the dice clay used to be andrew silverstein
by the way we’re
gonna try to get dice in the podcast too
i’m not hating i love dice
we had a great
talk with dice the
other day dice’s
kid is doing comedy dice’s kid is 20 wow
and dice is so proud
and his kid is fucking killing his kid’s like
learning yeah
it’s fucking
great what’s his
name what’s he go
by what’s his name bro
uh was it max
max yeah i think is it max clay
no i don’t i
think did you go by silverstein
anyway he oh i’ve seen his name around
dice used to be
andrew silverstein and then
the dice man
was like this character that he
would do on stage
along with a
bunch of other characters he
would do like
stallone and he
would do deniro
he would do all
these characters like all these
impressions and the dice man was one of his characters
well the dice man just became
his main character that became his
thing he did on
stage and then it became him off stage
you know and i
think that happens to guys like glenn beck
i think what happens is they
start out with this character
and they start out and then they get all
these people
thank you mr beck you make me so
happy and what you said
about jesus is so important to me and my family
and what you say
about our troops is so important to me and our family
and this guy
soaking in this love and he’s putting out a book
every three days this
motherfucker
and all of them are
about what’s
wrong with the left and what’s
wrong with society and what’s
wrong with being godless and what’s
wrong with this and
sarah palin’s the only hope for our country
and then they
start fucking believing it man because
the human ego
when you’re
the type of person that’s really selling something and
pitching something
and getting all this adulation for it
if you’re an egomaniac
which most people
into the public eye are
you know most people that get into a
position where they’re like a guy like that
where they have
an opinion show
where they’re on
stage every
day talking to people and broadcasting to millions
they get all this love and fan mail
it’s very difficult to be objective about that
it’s very difficult to
have a real honest way of looking at the way you
start looking
at it the way they want you to look out because this is
where the love’s coming from and then
beck turned into a fucking mormon
okay as an adult
as an adult
who by the way
obviously look you can say he’s
crazy and i
do but that guy’s got a high iq there’s no question in
my mind i guarantee you if you sat that guy down he’s
120 plus iq
you know he’s a
smart guy there’s no way
you can do that free ball mormonism
because he’s fucked up
no he’s not
look the intelligence
and balance are two totally different
things i’ve met some brilliant people
one of the i don’t want to say his name
a guy who used to design my website is
fucking brilliant but
completely insane
and totally imbalanced
i know a bunch of people
like that that are really really brilliant people
but i mean a mathematically brilliant
structurally
brilliant the way they can
break down complex
orders in society
but in their own life is just
chaos so wait so
you’re saying beck is brilliant yes i think he’s
absolutely brilliant brilliant in being a cunt
what he’s doing
is i think he’s a brilliant guy
manipulation
yeah brilliant manipulation brilliant acting
brilliant at playing a part
brilliant at
becoming the perfect
version of this guy that all
these retards need
cause i don’t
think it takes intelligence to be a manipulator
what he’s doing takes intelligence he’s free balling
every day he’s got
a big screen and he’s
breaking things down
and some of it makes
sense it’s like
20 or 30 percent of it i go
god damn it i
agree with glenn beck yeah well this is
ridiculous but i
think that those guys
when they get to that position
where there’s an
extraordinary amount of
success that they achieve
in one certain area i mean glenn beck’s
house is for sale in connecticut
and i looked at that shit online
it’s fucking giant
and it’s probably only for sale
cause he got a bigger one
you know he got a bigger
crazy one that guy’s selling literally
every time i go to the bookstore there’s a new glenn
beck book nobody makes me feel lazier than glenn beck
cause i’ve been
writing this goddamn book for a year and i can’t
and glenn beck puts out one
every 15 days
it’s fucking insane you know but
these guys i really
truly believe as a person who’s been
affected by fame
and been affected like
where i’ve had to look at my own
behavior and
analyze it and
that’s one of the reasons why i really got into
psychedelics and the isolation tank is because
i felt like there was an overwhelming
influence that
fame and the pursuit of fame has on a person
especially in hollywood
where you’re trying to make
things happen well you can
lose yourself in this
quest and i
think it happens to a lot of people
so i wanted to kind of analyze it
in myself and it took a long time for
me to get a hold of it from fear factor on there was
a long time in there
where i was like this is a
crazy thing here
how do you make sure that
what you’re doing is really what you want to be doing
how do you know that
what you’re doing is not what you
think people
would like to hear from you or what you
think you’re
gonna say and
do to get more work and to get more people to like you
i mean i’ve had conversations with really
successful people they say
you know i can’t do that because
i’m this and that and my images that and this and
like okay you’re not even doing you
you’re pretending
to be something else just so that you can
get more of the positive reaction that you’ve gotten
well that permeates
into your real life but what if that’s like
like i’m the
kind of person i vacillate off and i’ll look at one
thing and then i’ll have a different opinion
maybe a year
later on how i felt
about it and i question
intelligent
yeah but and as a as a performer as a comedian
my acts constantly
changing sometimes
i can’t do bits that i used to do because
i’ve changed as a person i
don’t feel that way and i can’t deliver them with truth
and i’m like that
would suck the fucking
be be locked into its were
off the air
it says we’re off the air
you string keeps on
fucking up but it’s on here it says we’re on the air so
it’s going off and on it’s
choppy for people
but i can’t get on right now
it’s on you see it yeah it’s on
do you see it
online what do you see online we have 13 17 viewers
it’s broadcasting
it’s recording see if you can see it on a browser
anyways who cares we’re talking about you
you know well i’m just
i accidentally unclicked it and i can’t get back to it
so so sorry go ahead
so people like
the ability to like change
well you’re and
to get locked into that character
would be terrifying for me i’m a control freak
and if that’s
where your income and i don’t have the
you know i’m
lucky enough that i don’t have
like a wife and kids but imagine if you got into that
where then you’ve got a
house and mortgages
schools and you’ve you’ve
bought into this character and all of a
sudden you’ve
changed as a character and you’re like fuck
i’m not that guy anymore i don’t feel that way i’ve
changed my way of
thinking but fuck i
gotta i gotta
still do that because people do change
people either become more conservative as they get
older or you know
start to realize shit
you know i’ve become more
liberal as i get older
yeah yeah well i
think as you become more intelligent
you realize that there’s a lot
more to things than people like to think
now everybody likes to
think it’s black and
white i have a lot of conservative ideas a lot of them
about gun control
about taxes
about a lot of different things
but i also have a lot of liberal
points of view too
especially when it comes to
things like gay
marriage and
that to me is one of the most frustrating
things when i see people get upset
about gay marriage
as if it’s somehow
another fucking affects you of two guys who obviously
want to be gay
no one’s got a gun to their head
no one’s saying if you’re not gay i’m fucking
killing your family you know no one’s doing that
they want to be
i find the people that are afraid of like bro this
shit is offline man
it’s on everybody i
can’t get on i know it’s having you
stream has some problems man when there’s
like you’re trying to get on it you have to refresh
it a few times whatever it’s on though so don’t worry
about that’s crazy
i walked out of the
actually when i worked with you down in
tampa or i was doing the the the
early and then you did like friday
night and you came in
right tampa improv
i came out like my
first night
it was like a wednesday or something
and there are
these guys out in the street
holding up signs and it was like
almost like that church from nebraska or whatever those
crazy fuckers that protest funerals
exactly in fact
and they were
holding up signs that god hates fags and blah blah blah
and i just walked out so the audience is out
there with me and i thought i’m just
gonna fuck with
these people
and i went up to this kid and i’m like how old are you
and he’s like i’m
sixteen years old i’m like you’re sixteen and you’re
dude go to an
arcade go try to get laid go fucking have a life
the fuck’s wrong with your
don’t listen to your parents they’re assholes
and i’m making everybody
laugh just making fun of this kid
but then i started some
older guy starts yelling at me and i go dude
stop you want a cock
in your ass so badly
what’s the old guy
yelling at you that you’re here
right now cause you hate yourself
i’m like you
wanna make it easy
just go suck a cock
it’s gonna change your whole life
you’re out here you’re doing the shit
cause you’re a homo
and you just don’t
wanna admit it
i’m like leave them the fuck
alone and go join them that’s what
you’re deep down you know you’re gay
and he’s like
you’re the devil you’re the
devil you’re here to and i’m like
no i’m here to help you dude go fucking suck a cock
it’s gonna change your life
i’m not joking the next
night i walk out it’s the atheist
holding up signs going
you know there is no god and god is bad and god created
you know there’s death and
and i go up to them and i go
you just fucking bad
yeah just fucking shut up
and go fucking have a beer somewhere you
why are you out here with
the fuck you’ve got your own religion of atheism like
i get it i get your belief you know
i don’t believe in
any kind of fucking
order or anything i don’t know what i believe
but go away
right fucking stop your religion of trying to yeah
people want to
believe anything
whether it’s they want to believe in republicans they
want to believe in god they want to believe in no god
i’ve had arguments with atheists
where it’s so
ridiculous you know like they’re saying
science disproves the
existence of god like
no it doesn’t
science doesn’t disprove anything
what science does is it
shows well first of all statistics and
things that can be measured
you know how can you measure what happens in the
afterlife that’s nonsense
how can you measure what happened
you know what the
birth of the universe is and how do you mean
how do we not
know that there’s something that’s far more
comp i mean i’m not saying that there’s a guy in the
clouds with a harp
but what i am saying is that
after smoking dmt
seven times and doing mushrooms all the times i’ve done
and all the times in the isolation tank
i’ve seen shit
way crazier than a dude with a harp in the clouds
and i’ve seen it many many many times
i think that
the idea that you can tell me what does and
doesn’t exist is fucking ridiculous
i cannot believe
people actually try to do that i’m like
how do we know that we’re here
right now or that we’re
you know there could be
something so complex
i always tell
people when they go what’s your belief on god i go
when my dog
looks at my computer my macbook
she can’t comprehend
the operating system
she has no she does not have the capability
and i believe that as humans
that’s how we are with the universe
we don’t have the fucking
capability we
might be the most intelligent species
but we’re not intelligent enough
to understand
something that
doesn’t mean anything
it’s like being the the baddest worm this worm is so
smart look it
knows how to get around this pebble
you know it’s really it’s
ridiculous the
idea that we can figure it out i mean this is
complete and total
stoner talk but
the idea that
we can figure out the fucking universe you know
did you find the bill o’reilly
this stuff no it’s not on there
it’s not a video bro
it’s not a video it’s an
audio right well
i think they just transcribed
me i saw it on
washington post and
stuff but it just kind of talked about it
did they have the transcriptions though no
hey i want to
change subject for a
second did you
bobby lee on here yesterday yeah
did he get naked for you
two days ago
fucking he got on our podcast and we
could not get him to keep his
clothes on really
yeah he was just fucking rubbing his dick on
everything and
he is so fucking much more sedate
i know what you guys fed him over there
i think he was you know
fucking have you ever told your
story that you did at the
storyteller
anywhere else
other than that show no that was the
first time i ever told it you
should talk
what story is that the
whole time you that
urban oh the
black show yeah
you wanna tell that
story i’m not afraid i mean
it’s not racist on my part what happened
it’s hilarious you
just took a chance yeah i went to suny
it was called suny farmingdale
it was a state
university new york and farmingdale long island and
my manager at the time i
think i’d only been doing comedy
maybe three years
three or four at the most
i i was in new york city
and my manager at the time
jason steinberg do you know jason yes
jason but and i’m only telling his name
because i want to burn them on this okay jason
at the time had mostly
black comics
and all his
comics were like def jam
and doing really well and
so like some
great great comics
he represent a lot of really good
guys tony woods career barnes all
these guys were doing really well time and were
big in that like
so he was always booking
these events for like
black shows and i get a
i’m begging for work
cause i don’t have any work at the time
and i hear him i’m in his office i hear him go oh
oh yeah so you need a comic yeah
yeah and it’s not a def jam show
right you sure
yeah okay i
think i got the guy 500
bucks and i’m like
five hundred
bucks fuck that’s
the most i’ve ever gotten paid for a gig
and i was like
i want this fucking gig
and he goes all
right you’re
going out to suny farmingdale
train takes you
right out there it’ll be like ten dollar train ride
he’s like it’s
you’re you’re the intermission of an auction
and i’m like what and he’s like yeah
yeah yeah it’s traditionally this is like an urban room
but it’s just this auction it’s
gonna be like alumni and stuff
and i’m like alright
i go out there
on the way out tony woods do you know tony woods
yeah tony tony and i are sharing
subway he’s a really good friend of mine he’s going dog
don’t fucking go dog
they beat up
ralph harris
they beat him up on
stage and i’m like what he’s like
they’re gonna kill you god
damn dog don’t go
so why don’t you listen it’s five hundred
bucks i go no but it’s an auction
it’s different i’m in the intermission it’s an alumni
thing right so i go
get there i see the
line of people waiting to go in and it’s not just an
urban show this is fucking like
urban tony told me he goes dude
bro he goes there
they’re caribbean black
he’s like caribbean
black are the guys that
they kill me
cause i’m american
black he’s like
they’re gonna fuck you up and i’m like no no no
he’s like trust me
so i see the line of guys
going in everybody’s gone on
fubu you know like
jerseys right and timberland’s
every single dude
in the crowd baggy
jeans by the way
fubu stands for
for us by us yeah
and i’m like
which is you know
kind of like
separatist as it is
it’s pretty
funny when joey diaz
wears that yeah sure
so i go this is how long ago this was i go to the pay
phone and all
right page jason
steinberg and he calls me on the pay
phone and i go
jason i’m fucking out of here
i’m out of here
and he goes you’re fine you’re fine
you just be
funny i’m like no this
doesn’t look good he goes no you’re
gonna be fine
so i go into the auditorium
security goes what are you doing i go i’m the comedian
security goes fuck you’re the comedian i quit
because i’m out of here
i’m out of here
cause he knows what’s
gonna happen so the security guy saw you is a
black guy that was yeah and he’s just
like he just says fuck this was he serious was
he totally serious
they call this gig the little apollo
oh my god and so i’m like fuck so i go back to the
phone i call
jason again i go
jason i’m leaving i’m leaving
i’m just not doing it i’m
gonna die he’s like
eddie you’re funny
he’s like just get up there and do what you do
and i’m like
so i i’m so nervous
you know when you’re so nervous
there’s no chance of you doing well
right and i go awkward so i go down in the the mc
goes what do you what do you want to come out to
i’d never come out to
music before i’m like that’s
hilarious what do you mean you got any led zeppelin
i was like free bird you know like what the fuck like
my name is michael
i’m like off the
magic drag i don’t fucking know what
and they’ve got a dj on the side
and i’m like
and i would you come out to well i don’t follow any rap
music at all
especially at that time i came from like a
place called fox chapel and i
would come out to fuck the police
i didn’t know what that
and at the time i
i wouldn’t i
know i had the
shitty night
rider kelly
is a good one i had the shitty
night rider joke about how
kit was gay it was a gay car
and he was like
ellen at the
time was like coming out and i go she’s not the
first gay character kit
from knight
rider was gay and
he’s like michael
michael i’m
gonna pick you up in a minute and
so i was like i’ll
do the kit joke and i’ll come out to the knight rider
rap song by the way get r
kelly the zoo
get that pull that shit up yeah yeah
i don’t know we’ll just we’ll edit it out later
you need we need this just trust me
just pull it up on the side
so so i go backstage and
what they’re doing
is they’re auctioning off dates with students from the
school so girls
money girls
and guys and guys like
a guy will come out and he’ll
and all the dudes are backstage
lifting doing foot
pumping up doing push ups and they’ve got dumbbells
so they’re getting a couple
and they’re putting
baby oil all over
their bodies taking their
shirts off and they’re
black as tar
yeah and and they are no one ever
making black everyone’s
ignoring me like what the fuck are you doing back here
oh my god and i
swear to god
i grab one of the bottles of rum that they’re
drinking and i just
start chugging rum
cause i’m like this is i’m terrified so i
i just start
sculling down this rum and
there i saw one
chick there the one
white chick and i’m like she’s really fucking hot
so they’re watching dates with the guys and the girls
the guys will come out they’ll just like flex
and everybody will bid
and then the girls will come out and do like a
striptease act they’ll
bring a guy i’ll put him in a chair
and grind on them and do like a lap
dance right
pour whipped
cream and do all this shit you know
and they’ll go
crazy but they’re bidding
they get dinner at puff
daddy’s restaurant
p diddy had a restaurant in new york
they get dinner at his
place they get a limo ride to new york and a
broadway show
if they win the date
and they’re
bidding and i
swear to god dates are
going for like
seven dollars wow
and watch it do i hear five
no way sold
could you bid
could you bid no
no and i’m looking at the hot fucking
white chick
going i want a
bid well backstage and she has to go out on a date
with a guy yeah yeah one of the guys is just disgusting
well this is
where it gets creepy
so the finale
i’m gonna be the intermission then the finale
is this black stripper
and she comes up to me and she’s like hey you’re
the comedian i’m like yeah she’s like my name is heaven
and i’m like hey heaven
that’s awesome
and so we start
talking she goes you gonna
stick around and bid on me
and i’m like and she
thinks i’m like this
and i was that
because you told her that
i don’t know i’m like
i can’t think
about her she
starts talking to me i actually let me get a little
taste i actually said to her get away from me
cause i was so scared
cause all the guys were
checking her
out and i’m like i just don’t want any problems
so you thought you were
gonna get problems
cause you were talking to the
black chicken for a
black guy yeah
yeah and they’re giving you the mad dog
look so i’m just like
i’m just gonna fuck so has
anybody said anything to you any guys no one they’ve
just white fear
they’ve yet total
has been negative you got you
understand i grew up in a place
where there was like my high
school probably had like one black guy
and you know his
last name was huxtable
and we i ran
track all through college and i was a
sprinter but i was separate like i didn’t
hang out with like my
white friend
and i wasn’t
so like when i
moved to new york and i
started to become friends with all the
black comics it was like a
total new world for me
but this was like putting me in
i was out of my comfort
zone okay so what’s your opening line
my opening line
i miss my cue to go out
and they’re yelling for me oh god
and i’ve rewritten
all my jokes you know when you do that
i read panic
yeah and i go
out this is
not good i’m not confident in this
and i stumble almost trip onto
stage and they’re already
the mc had been
going where my dogs at and guys are woo woo
woo and they’re running to the
front of the
stage when he does it and all putting
their hands up in the air
and i come out and i go hey
oh what happened before i came out they auction off the
white chick right
the bidding goes up to like 350
and every black chick in the
place is about
to fucking rush the stage
stabber and i’m like there’s
gonna be a ride in here and i’m with the black
and i’m like the
other white guy so i’m
going down with her
what a black girl saying
they’re they’re pissed off they’re screaming
and they’re going you know do i hear
and so intermission happens they call me out and i
think my opening line i think i said something
about they’re gonna be a riot when they bid it on the
when they were bidding on the white chick
and i go you know i was like and i get a little bit
laugh i get a little bit of a laugh
and there was some creepy dude that was bit like an
older dude who was bidding i made
for a black guy
a black guy
though i said it was like a pedophile and they kind of
laughed at that
and then i said
you guys what are you doing with auctions didn’t you
learn your lesson with auction years ago
and i think it’s kind of
funny and i
think like i’m
gonna get a laugh like
like kind of like oh he’s an insult come
and i hear like oh
and all of a
sudden another who
and i wasn’t
quick enough to keep
going and i just
paused i paused and then you let them just leap on
you started
building it was like a wave of booing to where it
started to like
get this motherfucker off the stage
and people start
throwing shit and i
swear to god
i hear get that fucking wait
get your white
motherfucking
ass off the
stage before i kick your
white motherfucking
and i’m like
standing there
and i’m i’m kind of like in this like all of a
sudden i get hit in the head with a cup
a crumpled up coke cup
and it pisses me off
and i go who the fuck through that
who and i don’t know why but you know you get that rage
and it’s like all
the shits happening to me i’m like a dog that’s been
shit so much i just
start biting everyone
right i go who the fuck
who the fuck through that
and some guy goes i did
i go fuck you wanna
throw something come on fucking
throw something at me oh fuck the kid
starts running towards the stage
and there are fold out
chairs in the
front he picks one of them up and
throws it on the stage
and i’m like
at that moment i go i’m
gonna fucking die
and they’re pulling cushioning out of the seats and
throwing it at me
and they’re booing so loud
now here’s what’s hilarious
about eddie yeft
this is what he says to me when he tells me the
story at the beginning of the day he goes
now if it happened
today i’d totally be able to be fine with it
he’s like i’d totally be able to make it funny
comedians always
wanna think that
i have some ruthless bombs in my past
and i have gone over
these bombings
and said man if i
could just go back and redo it
this one time i bombed
after jim brewer
it was the worst bomb of my entire career it was
devastation
i think i’ve talked
about this before i don’t remember i talked
about it on the podcast did i yeah i
think so brewer
we worked together all weekend and i
could barely follow him
you know this is like
i’d only been doing comedy
maybe three years
maybe three or four years
and he was just too
strong to be a middle
and i really wasn’t a headliner i was a fake headliner
i could do 45
minutes but i had to tell my joke slow
you know what i mean i couldn’t
so like when he was on
stage and brewer
used to do his bit
about going home and
he was hammered and his
mother turned into a
demon and it was
really loud and really animated and he was just
now sometimes a dude just gets in the zone
and brewer used to get in these
crazy zones man i used to really
enjoy watching him perform
because he could just
just his physical
performance his physical
you know his
presence on stage
fuck he just
would nail it and this is one time man
we had been
doing all weekend so we’d done two shows friday
one show saturday this was a late show saturday and
brewer just
knocks it out of the park
and there was a
bunch of shit
going wrong in my life at the time
one i had just torn my acl
so it was for the
first time in my life i couldn’t work out i
had never not worked out so i had all this tension
that i didn’t know how to deal with
you know like for me
my whole body from the time i was like
14 years old to the time i was
this would happen when i was 22 or 23
my body had been designed just
to constantly be working constantly be exerting
all this energy whether it was in kickboxing or
wrestling or something
there was like
this constant
and that was the only way i coped with stress
that was gone okay
and i had moved from new york to boston so no acl
it blows out and
moved to new york
or from boston new york
i have no friends i don’t know
anybody there i’m living with my grandfather and my
grandmother my
grandmother
was dying of
an aneurysm she had an aneurysm they gave her 72
hours to live she
lived for 12 years
okay and i’m staying in
their old house that they bought
in 1945 in newark new jersey
which is now in a war zone
i mean while
i’m there the next door neighbor’s door gets broken
down with a battering ram they arrest him for selling
crack i mean
no joke man
it was a scary
scary neighborhood
it used to be an italian neighborhood then it went just
total total chaos
so i’m staying in the
house and grandma like
she died both of them are dead now
but back then
she couldn’t move she was
completely paralyzed
she would get bed sores
and she could feel some things
and sometimes she
would just let out
these souls
almost like
she was emptying herself of the pain and the
only way to do it was to let out this horrible screech
so i’d be in the house
and i’d be like wandering around
maybe i’d go to the
kitchen and grab something to eat and i’d hear
it was like an animal
like a wounded animal she couldn’t die
she was so resilient
she had those italian peasant genes
and she was just so fucked up
but yet she hung in there for like 12 years
so i’m living in this
house right
and i just broken up with my girlfriend
and my manager
god bless i’m a
great guy but it was back in the day
where we talked about
when you’re
not doing so well that everybody has advice for you
and his advice was
you should dress nice
like you know you’re a good looking guy i should
dress nice on stage
so my stupid ass
i’m wearing
these like nice
pants and a nice belt
and like a club
shirt that you
would go out clubbing and
i had a nice head of hair back then it was delicious
and i’m wearing
shiny shoes and shit
and i just look like the fucking biggest asshole
i just look like
some club shithead
some goofy italian cunt that’s 22 years old that
doesn’t know anything
about the world
right and i’m on
stage and i
fucking i am
panicking i remember
brewer got off
stage and the mc
was about to
bring me up and i was off
stage when brewer came up
and i remember he said
he said have fun up there have fun they’re great
and i go i’m
gonna fucking eat it
i remember saying it to him like
dude i’m not fucking confident
right now i’m not feeling good
right now oh you’ll be fine you’ll be fine
and i just i just
was not prepared i just went up there and i went into
flames just went
into one girl i remember what girl in the audience goes
i was just eating
dick up there and i was editing my material
and chopping the jokes as i go
along and one girl goes
you’re kinda hot but you’re not funny
and there’s nothing you can say when you know that
that’s true not that i’m kind of hot but that i’m not
funny and another guy goes
you fucking suck
you fucking suck he’s just big meathead you see
i snap nothing i
could say he was
right i fucking sucked i knew i fucking sucked
there was nothing i can do
and i was supposed
to do 45 minutes i went up doing like 30
i got a few
laughs i started getting a few laughs
but they were so shaky it was just
the worst set ever the
worst bombing ever and i
still to this day will go back in my head
that’s fucking
twenty years ago this my gig
still to this day the
worst one i’ve
ever had and you go back and you like replay
it over your
head okay i
could have said this
the heat that goes through your body when you
there’s like people don’t
understand when you’re bombing
there’s a there’s a hot like
flash you almost get hot flashes
so i’m having it when the guy
threw the that
knocked me out of my
aggression when the
chair came up onto the
stage i was like
okay i’m not
gonna fight a
crowd and and i
gotta get the fuck out of here
the girl on the side of the
stage that that booked me is
going get off
get off and i
think this is i was supposed to do like
forty minutes and i
think i’m at forty five
seconds or something or four minutes i forget it was so
short she’s
gonna get off get off and i go
this is how badly i wanted the money i go
where’s my check
oh my god from the
stage but no one
could hear me even with the
microphone they’re booing that loud
i just looked aside i go
where’s my check i go
am i still getting paid
and she’s like
yes yes and i went no i want to see the
check i want to make sure
why you’re on
stage because i always was
under this thing
impression like
you have to do your time to get paid
and they’re getting me off before my time
so are they
gonna like not pay me
so i want that 500
and i’m going
i was willing to
stand up there for
thirty five more minutes and take the
abuse i wanted the
money so badly
and don’t you
think though that you
learn so much
about those
about your your comedy from bombing
so you think that’s like the
ultimate yeah
it’s the ultimate school
fuck yeah and i
right then i said i go
let me see the
checks they went and got the
check that’s
it that’s why i was up there four and a half minutes
they had to go get the
check come back and then you got off
stage i get off
stage and they
rush me out the back
door like people around me because they’re afraid a
riot’s gonna start
we go out the back door
the stripper
is waiting there and
and she’s smoking
weed with a couple guys out there and she goes hey
where you going
and i’m like
you didn’t see what just
fucking happened she goes yeah that was some bullshit
and i’m like
so she can stick around though
you know and
bid on me i go
are you fucking kidding me
are you fucking
kidding me do you
think they would have let it go
the audience members
would have forgotten i don’t know
but i got her
phone number
she gave me her
phone number she’s like give me a call sometime
and i get in the car remember
this is like nineteen
ninety seven or ninety
eight that this happened or whatever
the guy drives me to the
train station in a tr seven
nice and it’s this little
black triumph
and he’s so fucked up he’s been
drinking so much rum
and he’s driving like a hundred
miles an hour and i’m
going cause he wants to get back and i’m like dude
slow the fuck down
slow the you’re
gonna kill us
and he goes
man you suck
he’s like you are terrible
and i’m like shut the fuck up and he’s like
no man like i’ve seen comedians
you’re the worst i’ve ever seen
and he’s driving me to the
train station tell me how bad i am
and he’s a black dude yeah
and i get on the
train it was the most
racist i’ve ever been in my life
cause i’m just looking at
every black person like blaming them for what happened
but i can imagine they living your
whole life like that but welcome to being
black but i get home
and at the time i was living with people
constantly fucking with you yeah
so i mean it was like the river
i i learned
right that that was a
great learning
experience i get home i’m living with my sister
and at the time
and this goes back to like answering
machine time like people had answer machines and no
cell phone well
i must have called
i don’t even remember calling the stripper
but i must have
because my grandfather dies
and we’re on the way
to my grandfather’s funeral we
had already just done the viewing or whatever when you
go then we’re from church and you go to the cemetery
right we’re
going to the cemetery
i mean my dad had one of
those like he had a cadillac i remember with
a car phone
built into the car nice and it’s my dad my mom and like
two of my sisters and me and
my sister decides to
check her voicemail
the answer machine at home and puts it on
speaker and she listens to the stripper
and this i swear to god it comes on because
it’s like next message
beep hi eddie
this is heaven
the stripper you met out at suny farming
jail calls yourself a stripper
i’m just returning your call
and my sister looks at me and goes
at pappap’s funeral
that’s what his name was pappap
is really at pappap’s funeral that’s hilarious
that’s great don’t you don’t you
think though that you like your comedy makes
these big leaps
after these horrible disastrous
bombings yeah you
absolutely have to go through it i get
fired up even if i see like a bad review online
like i’ll read
ten great reviews
of like a show that i was at and then one guy says i’m
still waiting for my first laugh fucking suck
and i just get like a little anxiety like man i
gotta work harder
but see i’m for
one like one bad one well i
think that shit’s
good for you i really do i’m different i
and i don’t want to blow
smoke up your ass but i
like i’ve said i need good
comics to inspire me and i see so much shit
comic and i saw you one
night working out
and i was like
fuck fuck he’s
going deep he’s
going deep and he’s not afraid and he’s fucking
like when you’re doing the
monkeys were just a
bunch of monkeys on a rock
spinning through and i’m like fuck
and i just went
fuck i gotta go home and write fuck
like one of
those like well that’s awesome i said to you
after the show i go fuck you and i
had to hurry home and
start like just
and i like to
watch really good
comics like
i’m one of these
comics i love
when i get to pick my middle act i love to
bring the best fucking comedian i can
bring dude i go on the road with joey diaz
and does he just not joey
diaz is the funniest guy that’s ever walked a face
of the earth
i’ve never laughed more
at anybody ever in my life
23 years of being a comic
have you ever met anybody funnier than joey
no i mean it’s like a cartoon
he’s just explosive
with energy he just makes you
happy and he just
it makes you
funnier too he makes me funnier i’m funnier when i work
with joe that’s how i feel better yeah that’s how the
brian mccarthy is i feel the same way
but what you said
i saw dave chappelle once
at the comedy
store and i felt the same way i want to go home and
write i’m totally inspired by
great comics too
i saw louis at the
improv in hollywood lu
ck and i wanted to go home and
write was really
great performance and norton recently
i saw norton at
cap city and austin fucking
great and that same feeling i want to go right
but i also get inspired by people who don’t like me
yeah yeah even fucking you know haters online
i can get a million people who love me dude it’s the
greatest fucking show i’ve ever seen it’s amazing
and i’ll let one person
was like you know
fucking hang it up
stick to ufc oh what
bitch you know
i’ll get like
fired up to like i have to zone them work harder
it’s good to zone
them out but
it’s good to be humble
i really believe i
mean it’s a bad
feeling to have someone negatively critique your work
it’s a terrible feeling but i
think there’s something to it that’s good
for an artist
there’s something that keeps you
sort of humble and balanced
especially in
this direct
adulation relationship that you have with an audience
you’re immediately giving them
what they wanna hear and they immediately
laugh and they tell you how much they love you
you can get imbalanced by that you can get lazy
i mean we both know
comics that got fuckin
super super lazy
and one of the reasons is like
you know they’re not
for whatever reason
there’s not enough balance you know
they got to a
point where
it was too easy for them
too many people being nice to them and they just
they lose it
chris rock once had a really important
thing that i read
where he was talking
about how he bombed really hard once
going on after martin lawrence
martin lawrence
which i did too by the way
a bunch of times at the comedy
store when i was
a fucking when i was on
hardball the show that nobody ever saw on fox
i would go on
after a lot of guys at the comic
store mitsy shore
god bless her did
a tremendous amount for me
early in my career and one of the
things that she
did for me she always put me on the most devastating
comedians in the night
right on after them
like dice clay
i went off to dice clay a hundred times
richard pryor
i went on after richard pryor
when he was in a
wheelchair when he couldn’t even talk for five weeks
every time martin lawrence
would have a
set this is back when martin lawrence had the tv show
he was a fucking destroyer
royer i’d never seen an aston martin
either martin lawrence is in the back parking lot with
an aston martin i was like what the fuck is this thing
like me and a couple other
comics like circling around i was driving a volkswagen
sharako was like
scratching my chin like what the fuck is this man this
thing’s crazy
and martin would just
devastate the main room i mean devastate
when martin lawrence was in his prime
that guy does not get enough respect
because if you go back and
watch like some of his old
stand up he’s just
fucking funny
and that show martin
dude that show is
the writing was like non
existent but he
carried the whole show
with all his characters and he pretended to be women
he’s fucking
funny yeah and i
would be backstage same just like the brewer
night i mean at
least i’d been past the brewer
thing like it happened like a couple years before that
so i had like
recovered i knew how to like get out of the gates
strong but 90
black audience you know
and i’m just just
ready to go on
after him and he’s
crushing crushing
and then he’s like who’s coming up next
he has to bring me up so martin lawrence
brings me up
he calls over to the piano guy
piano guy says joe rogan
he goes alright
y’all give it up for this next comedian mr joe rogan
very nice guy says
and i just go up and
eat a bag of shit
of just a big manure
bag that you
would buy like at a fucking farm depot
you know just
filled with shit i’m just chewing up there
and people getting up in
droves and leaving
but all that
stuff makes you way better
it makes you a way better
comic because you realize you don’t ever
wanna make that
feel that feeling it’s like
you feel the
fire behind your feet and it makes you run faster
like you’re only
gonna run a certain amount when you’re not pushed
i feel like
it’s funny like said
sometimes i just go i’m shit i suck now blah blah blah
but i don’t realize
that i don’t have the ability to bomb like that anymore
i mean it can happen in a bad situation
now like something really fucked up happening but like
i used to have to new york you know million times
esty used to
do at the seller she just wait and put you up
after the hardest person
to make sure you were
ready for it i had to throw
attell forever
every night
in the cellar and that’s how i got so dark because
attell would
just his jokes were so amazing
and so dark too that it was like
i had to go to a darker
place than him
right james
had to like
pick up the
frequency where he
leaves it off
and i remember just bombing so bad in the cellar
that i would just start
start just like
what’s fucking freestyling just saying the
worst things i
could say like talking
about killing
babies and shit like trying to
get out of this horrible hole that i would just
shock the fuck out of the audience it
never works
and it was like
that never works
it was almost like if you go into a zone though
of like i’m
gonna pretend like they’re not here and i’m just
gonna just keep saying this shit and hopefully they’re
gonna come around because this is so painful
i’m in this terrible terrible bomb
i mean i had
like i watched you on what was it
a amp e evening at the end
caroline’s comedy
hour that’s
where i saw you
first when i
was like a little kid that i didn’t even do comedy
and i’m like
watching you and you were dirty
i remember you and
sarah were on it and
sarah was dirty
and so as a little kid i’m like
these are good
comics these two
these are comedians
it was so hard for me back then they even come up with
seven minutes of material that i
could do on tv
i would have to sit down and go over my shit i
was like god i can’t do that bit i can’t do this but i
might had an hour material
i might have five i
could do it but i couldn’t
imagine you bombing because of the way your act was
like you had the
confidence and the dirtiness
and everything so i was like
this guy can’t bomb it’s not
so you probably had a lot less bombs than i’ve had
wow well yeah
well you know i’ve had a
bunch man i don’t know
about that i don’t know how many you’ve had but
especially at the
store i had a gang of them in the
early days when i was
going on after
you know like really good
comics over and over and over
again i had a
quite a few bombings yeah
but the early days were way
worse the open mic days were
fucking brutal
because you’re
really not supposed to be up there talking
you’re really not good enough and then look brian
has been doing
stand up he’s been
doing open mic
nights just for a
short period of time
so you’re in that
kind of zone area
where you’re
learning it and
figuring it out you’re in that
stage of your life
where sometimes
you know i’ve seen you go on
stage and you’re trying out a new joke and it just
doesn’t work and you’re just
fucked you know you’re just
stuck in this rut
you know you’re
right there
right now right
well i had a horrible
thing the other day where
somebody i knew
was sitting in the front row
and they thought
oh this is awesome
you know i couldn’t
say talk to
brian while he’s on
stage and so the
whole time she’s just like making me going meow
meow like that or
like i said something like oh i just
broke up with my ex
i hate that
bitch and she’s like oh whatever you’re not over her
and i said it loud enough
where it kept on
like fucking me up and then it just
throws you off and i felt it
i felt way off my
tracks you know but
i never feel i
haven’t really felt like
bomb where you
gave me anxiety
except for that
because i had to go on
afterwards and i was like this
bitch gonna talk to me
right fuck she
gonna talk to me too like she’s like
yeah but i don’t want to
i don’t want i’d rather not you know people always
say oh you know you’re so good
with hecklers you must love it when people talk shit no
i want everybody to have fun
i don’t want
to have to ruin someone’s mind the bob hope joke
that one that talked a few times on the podcast before
when i did that
and i was booed and
hissed i took off comedy for five years
you know so it’s
a funny joke
bob hope died he goes did you hear bob hope died
yeah they’re
gonna fly out his body to
entertain all the dead troops
that’s hilarious the day
it was the day he died though
and it was like
right during like you know
after posts you got some more
jokes i say what my favorite joke of yours is
the ones you doing
right now okay but your dog
he goes i have a
bunch of cats and dogs from
other relationships
it’s like whenever we
break up i keep
their cat i keep their dog
he goes and they all have the same
personality as the girls that i was dating it’s really
funny like all of them hate it when i come in
their face now i
break it down to eat you
there’s a cutie
and chris wayne
house from australia i
think he’s a kiwi but he lives
in australia and he’s really dark and really funny
really good
job what’s a kiwi
new zealander
oh and his name is chris
wayne and he
writes jokes he
writes a ton
here on twitter
i don’t know his name on twitter but he
writes tons of jokes all the time
he did a joke
about the crocodile
hunter the day the crocodile hunter died
and somebody in the audience yells out too soon
and he goes too soon
i would have done that joke on the fucking boat
i said something
about the crocodile
hunter when he died and i actually felt bad about it
and the reason why i felt bad
about it was some you know
what i said was
i go he dies
i go my act gains 10 minutes i don’t see the loss
you know that’s what i
wrote on a message board
and i just you know
flipping like you know comics
we’ll say shit like that
just to fuck with each
other like you ever done the opening anthony show
no never done it
great fucking show and it’s
everyone tries to say that like louis
ck will say the meanest
shit to norton who’ll say the meanest shit the ob
they say the meanest
shit back to but it’s not real it’s like
you’re trying to get laughs
and someone said you
know hey man this guy has like a family and children
what if his children read that and i went oh shit
and i thought
about it i’m like okay i don’t even really
think that i don’t even really believe
that right and i was really mad at myself because i
would have totally written a crocodile hunter bit
if it wasn’t for the fact that i felt bad
that i said that
which was a very
short sighted and it wasn’t really even
funny it was just like
a quick easy
cheap like jibe
and i thought
about it and i said god damn
it i fucked myself out of a good crocodile hutter bit
right because for sure that’s
right up my alley
you know like i’m fucking
no one’s more fascinated by predatory animals than me
and when a dude
who fucks with animals his entire career
look at the
snake i call him in his head
when a guy like that
fucking gets killed by an animal i mean
there’s a fucking wealth of material there i said in
australia in australia i said before he died
i watch the show i go i
they all think america loves the crocodile
hunter they
think we all most of us do
but it wasn’t like
because they’re not as into him as we are really
no not at all
they all kind of
think he’s a
freak and they’re not that
do australians have a
thing about
australians who become
famous somewhere else and it’s called
poppy syndrome they
they try to cut down the tall flower
yeah because jeffries was
pissed because he
would go back to australia and people
wouldn’t buy tickets to his show
you know he’s like i’ve got a fucking hbo special yeah
it’s that’s my
worst jeffrey’s accent ever
he doesn’t have a lot to complain
about right now
things are going
well he’s doing great but
my joke was i’m
watching the show
i go i admit i
watch the show and i watch it
every day hoping
every day will be that day
because it’s
gonna happen
you know you put your head in fucking crocodiles
mouth and mouth
and then when he died
it was like a
funny joke everyone used to
laugh at it then when he died my
my agent over
in australia called me goes mate you’re fucked
i go what he goes
they’re playing your clip on the radio
and i was like
oh no so they were playing like
these two like dish jaw djs were
playing at this one station they thought it was kind of
funny just playing my bit over and over
right so i got
i thought oh this is fucking i’m dead
in america you know i
would have been had gone into hiding yeah but ozzies
were like ozzies
wrote to me like mate you fucking
you’re fucking
champion mate we’re listening
it’s fucking hilarious and i was like i
wanna go to australia more
these guys are fucking cool
fun man you know what i love they call you a legend
you’re legend
champion and a
legend they sit
in england all the time you’re
legend mate you’re
legend you’re a
legend mate
alright speaking of
legend before we get out of here i
found the bill o’reilly
thing and i got to read it because it’s so fucking
ridiculous when everything
about bill o’reilly no matter what
if you think
about his opinions
this is what you need to know
and this is some fucking voicemail that he left
from some woman
her name was andrea
mccarris and she sued him for
sexual harassment
and this is what
he goes you
would basically be in the shower
and then i would come in
and you would have your back to me
and i would take the loofah
thing and kind of soap up your back
rub it all over you
get you to relax
hot water and um you know
feel the tension
drain out of you and
you’d still be with your back to me
and then i would
kinda put my arm
it’s one of
those mitts one of those lufa
mitts you know
so i got my hand in it
and i would put it around in front
kinda rub your
tummy a little bit within
and then my
other hand would
start to massage your boobs
get your nipples really hard
cause i like that and you have really
spectacular
boobs so anyway
i’d be rubbing your big
boobs and getting your nipples really hard
kinda kissing your neck from behind
and then is it
wrong that i have the
other right now yes it is
and then i would take the
other hand with
the falafel
thing the falafel
i don’t know what that means
and just put it on your pussy
but you’d have to do it real
light just kind of
a tease business
what a fucking
goofy come listen like any
chick is gonna hear that go oh yeah loofah
yeah i was just
thinking i was
gonna get off on this shit old broken people
he’s like trying to romance her you know
i’m like can i
choke you and
like a jewish food fala falafel
yeah middle eastern food but i don’t
think that’s what he meant
i want a sloppy with some hummus a falafel
thing that’s not what you want
shove some chickpeas up here cause
they just use the
wrong word maybe i don’t know but
understand that this is the kind of
human being you’re dealing
with and all this shit that you see in the fucking
in the public eyes just nonsense
you know it’s just what we said before that
people when they become
famous and they get adulation they
start all of a
sudden believing the bullshit they believe
their own hype
it’s step one
to losing it all
like r kelly and it’s fucking
zeus on you got that
bitch yeah you
wanna play at the end though yeah let’s
cut it out at the very end yeah
let’s queue
it up and we’ll play it at the very end do you know the
angelica houston i
think it was her that said it she goes
i go by the motto
never pick it up
never put it down
like if you
don’t take the adulations you can’t take the criticism
like focus on yourself don’t
focus on like what
other people say
and i try to do that like cause
if i can learn
from people you
know but when you walk out of a show and people you’re
great you’re
great what you know
it’s just your opinion
cause you’re gonna hear
you suck too right
and so that way i don’t take that you’re
great i just go
thanks but i don’t let it soak in
cause otherwise
you know what i like hearing i like hearing we had a
great time that’s what i
like hearing i don’t
wanna hear your
great i mean if you
think that thank you very much
i’m trying i’m working hard
keep going i do it all for
whoever likes
to see the comedy that’s what i’m doing it for i mean
i think you alter your
motivation as you get
older and as you get more
successful and as you
kind of get a better
understanding
of what you’re doing like as an artist and i think
initially i just wanted to get
laughs i just wanted to
for me i wanted to
prove that i
could be good at this
i wanted to get some success
i wanted to do it for me
but then once you get the
success then
you have to change
your rational or
your motivation has to change
and it has to become
in order to stay good and to stay relevant
it has to become
about the art
you have to be obsessed with creating good
stuff you have to be obsessed with
doing something that people are
gonna enjoy
those pops of brilliance when a new bit comes to life
did you go through
a change though because i remember like when i
watched you when i was
younger and i was like oh i liked you because at that
point in my life
i was into like
i want to hear like
tits and ass and
fucking pussy and that’s
to me you were that kind of
comic yeah and
evening the improv
was guys with their
sleeves rolled up going
what’s the deal with
and you were
going you know fuck that pussy
yeah and i was a
savage and then you
think about how i got into
stand up comedy i was a fucking kickboxer but
then you change it totally
now you do this
kind of intellectual type material that’s like
you know like what you talk about now
well when i was 21 i’m
still have a million dick jokes but when i was 21
i had nothing to say
about anything else
i had no opinions
i had no opinions on society
i had no opinions on life i didn’t think
about religion at all
except it scared me
because i went to catholic
school when i was little all i thought
about when i was 21 was pussy
that is all i was a fucking savage
that’s all i thought
about here i was
a former martial arts
teacher and
fighter who is now
a professional
comic and i was making my living
working in bars and doing
stand up and trying
to make girls like me i mean that’s what i was doing
and all i was obsessed with
and all i was obsessed with was fucking
and people would say that to me like your act is all
about sex and why is your act all about sex
cause i’m fucking
22 and my hormones are
blasting inside of my body like a broken fire hydrant
slamming against the walls of my heart
like what are you talking
about that’s all i’m thinking
about i don’t know anything else
i had no opinions
i could say sex jokes on
stage and people
could laugh you know why
because these are
things that i was actually thinking
about so i had actual
humorous points of view on it and people
would say well your act is so dirty
am i supposed to not talk
about what i’m obsessed with
should i talk
about what you’re obsessed with i guess i
should have balance i mean i did go through a long time
where you know
especially if i do like
a half an hour set it was too much sex talk it was like
i was like enough
already dude you must have something else
you know how many cumshot jokes can you have
you know but it’s
as i got older then i
started you know
looking at the
world and you know
then you know actually
thinking about
things and then
actually forming opinions and
you know and
deeply considering
those opinions before i ever thought
about taking them to the stage
i mean i had opinions
about things for years and years before i ever
tried to like
put them in a
humorous situation
this it’s just
a matter of
developing as a
human being
but as your
motivation changes
and as your perception changes i mean just you just
mature you grow you
think about
things differently
no but is your audience
your ufc audience the guys that are like
mma guys and like that kind of
stuff are they
on the same mindset as
you now with your kind of material dude you’d be amazed
first of all
about ufc fans
first of all the
broad spectrum of
ufc fans there’s some fucking brilliant intelligent
ufc fans i’ve met
some people in the
mixed martial arts business whether they’re
trainers or competitors or
you know people who just do
just do it as a hobby
or involved in a
management aspect
fucking brilliant people
who are huge fans of the
sport i met a
bunch of them
like the guys who own the
ufc they’re fucking
smart people man yeah
they’re not caveman
i mean dana white’s
crazy and he
swears a lot
stuff but he’s a fucking really
introspective like
a very considerate and
compassionate person like
these guy like
dana white recently
saved some thailand girl
there was a girl who needed to like i believe it was
liver surgery
and she was the
daughter of a trainer at
tiger muay thai
somebody put a threat
about it on the
underground that this girl’s gonna die
unless she gets this
this surgery within like the next
eight weeks
dana white fucking paid for all of it
you know he’s like one of
those guys he’s
not an asshole he’s not a meathead you know
he’s a really good dude and
these people that you know everybody looks at like cage
fighting fans
and they think of oh they must be assholes with
skulls on their
shirts yeah
a lot of them are
but a lot of them aren’t
and even the assholes with
skulls in their shows
they can be lead
they can all be
everybody can look at
things in a
more fun friendly way well i’d imagine that cage
fighters to themselves are kind of
perfectionist kind of guys
and then like
what was that
thing i texted you one day and
asked you about
the quote about if you can do one
thing well you can do
miyamoto masashi
that’s why i got this
tattoo see that shit
because i find sashi versus a
tiger like those
i do that crossfit
stuff and all the guys i do
crossfit with
are obsessive compulsive
and very intellectual you find
these guys are
great athletes and you
would think they’re just dumb fucking
you know can
climb a rope and fucking
power lift you know deadlift
500 pounds but
you start finding out they know
everything about
nutrition and then
everything about this
and then it goes discipline
but some people are not disciplined
right dumb people can
work hard if they’re like in a football camp and the
coach is screaming at you
every day or
if you have to
you know you’re in the army or something like that but
when you have to
motivate yourself to go to the gym and you have to
motivate yourself to buy the proper
nutrition and
that takes intelligence
it takes a certain amount of discipline
yeah so i’ve seen that
these mixed martial arts
cause i would say that them
the guys that do
fight and are really into it
are probably
good fans that really get all your material
and get into like the intellectual shit but i’m
thinking like
the average guy that like
shit at home
and goes hey
i just want to see some fucking blood
yeah like yeah does
he come to your show and be like tell me a dick joke
yeah there’s that but you know what man i make sure
i try very hard to make sure that my jokes are
first and foremost funny
you know whatever my
point of view is on something it has to be
it has to be digestible
to a lot of people
like there’s some
weird shit that i
might think it’s
funny that if i had an audience filled with you
know only like
guys like you
or duncan or you know someone who’s like a very
smart person that’s you know of a certain
age i could talk to
about almost anything
i would do different
material yeah it was just you guys you know but to
an audience full of a
bunch of people
first of all i want everybody to have fun
you know i want like a joyous
fun festive
atmosphere i
want it to be like an hour long party
you know and
that party filled with ideas and thoughts and
then you know that i’m not coming from these
coming from a
place of ego i’m not an egomania
i’m coming from a
place to just
let’s just figure this out
let’s try to put this all together it’s not me it’s not
about me it’s about
these ideas it’s about
it’s about having a good goddamn time up there so
it’s the ideas but i’ve got a lot of
weird shit in my act
about time travel and the
large hadron collider and there’s some shit that
there’s some place
sometimes when i’m on
stage where i go god damn i’m taking
these motherfuckers down a fucking
twisty road here i hope they’re with me
you know i hope they’re with me when the
punchlines come
because they
might have been like you know
after five minutes of
large hadron collider
rant when i
get to the end like what the fuck is he talking about
you know people
are taking notes i better go home and read
about this yeah
i think you know i
initially i
sort of you know did comedy just to try to get
laughs and this
is what i always said that there’s like a
bunch of different
stages of comedy
i think the first
stage is you do anything you can to get a laugh
you know i mean i’m sure you’ve said that some
hacky lines in your life that you’re embarrassed about
i mean i’d look back
the last time i
think in 1997 or 90
no earlier than that i was on news
radio though it was like 95 96
i told some
woman hey i don’t
come to your job and slap the dicks out of your mouth
i can’t believe i
still used that
like in 90 i used it one time
it was in montreal at the comedy works some
chick said something
right after i said i’m like man really
you didn’t even
dig into your bag
you just grabbed
the most obvious
stupid hacking line i
still think
about that to this day
you know i think
initially you’re just trying to get
laughs and then
once you get good
then it goes from
what makes me laugh
you know instead of just trying to make anybody
laugh with like
a tool like i have a hammer look at my hammer i’m
gonna hit the nail dong
then it becomes
your perspective it’s like you know
this actually is
funny to me
and then it becomes
how do you make someone
laugh with your opinions on
things like
what are your unique
points of view
that you can somehow another turn into comedy
so to me there’s like
been three stages in my life the first
stage was just say anything
even you didn’t believe in it i said a lot of
stupid shit
about gay people
about whatever the fuck i
was if i thought it would work
you know to me it was like is this a
brick can i kill a rat with it
let’s kill the rat you know
it was just a
tool i think i followed your
model and i’m just
years behind you doing the same
thing where
the analogy
a good analogy i
heard was golf
say when you
learn to golf
just fucking
hit the ball as far as you can fucking hit it
and then hone
your swing and
bring it in instead of
trying to hit it
right and then trying to hit it far
so like try to kill it
first yeah just try to
learn how to kill
and once you kill you’ll get all that
confidence and you’ll
never be scared and then
own in the good
really creative interesting jokes with your
point of view
but you can’t go out there
initially with that
some guys probably
have they try but they seem so pretentious
especially when you’re 20 and you’re
breaking down the government
please shut the fuck up
please go get hit in the head by a ball
you know please get
punched you know
go do something
where you develop some character
you know we’ll talk
about this off air
maybe someone who does that
right now i’m sure there’s a lot of people who do it
well you know you want
to be somebody man you want to be bill hicks you know
it’s a great fucking
the atlanta
punch line one of the
great clubs you ever worked there
one of the best clubs in
the country
fucking fantastic club
anyway the atlanta
punch line has a back room like a green room
and it’s got a
bunch of shit written on the wall
and one thing that i took a
picture of put it on my moblog back when i had a moblog
i’ve gotta find it it must be on my
it said quit trying to be hicks
it’s on frag
mob you still does it
count at frag do i
okay well go
check that shit out bitches
check this out joe
red pancake
redpincake net
i don’t think i need to see that don’t go to redpancake
net it’s some
sort of horrible venereal disease some poor fuck has
brian wants you to look at it
eddie where are you
gonna be next man
i am in australia
pretty much mobile
yeah we got a lot of
australian people that listen to show so tell us
where yeah i’m doing the
adelaide fringe festival
i’ll be at the arts theatre
for ten nights only
and then i’m doing brisbane only
ten nights in a row
jesus christ i’ve
never done ten
nights anywhere
that’s incredible
cool 450 seats so
start buying
tickets damn
holy shit and then you
pack places in in australia huh
it’s going well i’m really
happy is that
weird to be
super famous in another country i’m not
super famous at all i mean are just
super famous i’m
happy with how it’s
going but i
would like to see the same
i told you yesterday i go
it’s not like
i love australia it’s a
great fucking
place i love to surf but you want to do the same
thing here yeah just you know i like
being around my family and i want my parents to not
think i’m a failure
holla at your boy so
what is your website
eddie ift ifft com
and on twitter
it’s eddie ift
facebook i’m on facebook
facebook and facebook is easy to find
and art you have a fan
page podcast is talking shit
yeah and your podcast is it back up now
if you google it you will
find it you don’t have to go through itunes everybody
thinks you have to go through it so libsin
has it libsin
available no matter what all the episodes are available
and you can get to libsin
i assume from
edf com and
they just took it down because of the name
they took it down in the
title yeah in the
title and we
fucked up and got
lucky but it
took it down from i
guess i have to eat this guy’s cunt
well they should have
taken it down
from that yeah we just do a podcast number one and
that’s what
we should have
done and i just have the guess i
understand their
thing trying to keep children away
from like this stuff
we fucked up we fucked up i know
they have a filter though you
think they would have some kind of say where
they do and
that’s what they
did they bumped us off for
breaking the rules and we just didn’t know and
yeah so they
killed all your feed and now you have to get a
whole new feed
yeah we’re gonna have to get a
whole new feed so
all your subscribers you have 35 000 subscribers i
think more now
wow and i lost
them all we’re
gonna lose all our subscribers god
damn i have to resubscribe so please
folks go to itunes and resubscribe is it up now
i don’t think it’s up till tomorrow
okay go to edief com and download it it’s hilarious
edief is hilarious and jim jeffries is hilarious too
so the podcast is a
fucking can’t miss you
dirty bitches
and joe’s gonna be there someday he’s
gonna drive
all the way to venice and do our fucking show yeah
i’m gonna do it i am
gonna do it
tell me when
we’ll work it out
tell me when
maybe next week you
heard it maybe
next week you guys around next
week yeah monday tuesday wednesday okay
maybe we’ll figure out next week i know
i was supposed to do tuesday with
what was that dude’s name john lejoy
from the league
how do you say his name
i think you said it
right he’s hilarious
some of his fucking songs on youtube are genius
and he’s actually a fan of the podcast and actually
asked to be on
i don’t want to brag or
anything but he’s coming on
so he’s gonna be on next
thursday so
maybe i’ll do it someday next week
we’ll figure it out venice
talking shit and we will
definitely put
that shit on twitter and let everybody know and
we’ll try to get you guys back on itunes by then and
so that’s it if you go to
joerogane net
and click on the link for the flashlight
again the flashlight
sponsors the show
thank you very much to them
and you get 15
off if you type in the name brogan
this friday
night i am at
mandalay bay theater with joe diaz and ari
shafir it was
not i’m getting some messages
where people
are saying it sold out but i don’t know if that’s true
it’s very close though
and it will by the time the showtime rolls around
which is tomorrow night
and then tonight
ari shafir has a storytell show
at the improv and i’m
gonna go down and fuck around there too so
that’s it for the show this week
for itunes and
right after i say goodbye we’re gonna play this r
kelly song with zoo because it’s most
fucking ridiculous brilliant thing that’s ever happened
and exactly what we’re talking about
when it comes to
celebrity turning someone into a
crazy person all right love you bitches