The Joe Rogan Experience #78 - Aubrey Marcus

top of this tv

superior to sugar

many ways yeah and it’s not bad for you at all yeah

didn’t the sugar lobby get fucking pretty pissed

about it yeah they should get but we should talk

about this all right let’s go

we say so many amazing things

that’s when you start doing a podcast you start

going don’t talk outside of that broken experience

don’t have a life

you hear it i don’t care

i don’t know the headphones that i have on

these are yours

wow we made it to the end of the song

what the fuck people

oh is that your phone brian

no that’s packing that tom chong

made why do you always have this

thing going on

where your computer will

start playing things that’s his playlist

my computer

never just starts playing shit out of nowhere

why does your computer start playing shit

it’s on itunes it just goes to the next song

that’s your that’s your sexy time that’s

on itunes it goes to the next song right yeah

automatically i just play it so you just fucked up

well that makes sense

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the podcast

what’s up what’s up bitches

what’s good

people working the fucking late

shift people driving in the car people hating

their life and needing something to distract them

from whatever bullshit you got yourself into right now

it’s gonna get better

ladies and gentlemen it’s all gonna get better

right brian yes rob

yeah it’s already

better but it can only get better if you have a

flashlight yes

we are sponsored by the

flashlight if you go to joe rogan net

there’s a link if you

click the link you

enter in the code name rogan you get 15

off and i’ve humped them all

in my former career chris

has fucked all

of them there’s so many combinations all of them done

and they’re great

which one’s your favorite

mine’s the avatar by the way

i mean the alien

the alien’s alright

the alien’s alright it’s pretty good but

for me it’s the lotus

because it’s confusing

it tricks me

actually which was the lotus

explain a lotus

the lotus lotus

we designed i say we in the royal way

since cause

you know i was the way

is chris chris

marcus ladies and gentlemen

chris is our

buddy and chris used to work for

flashlight and he’s also a writer and just an

all around cool cat and

entrepreneur out there in the

world making shit happen

thank you joe so this lotus

thing you helped design this

motherfucker i did

and i wanted to try and

recreate because we do a good job with the exterior

of the vagina

right i wanted to do it

which by the way is

completely unnecessary

right you know

i used to have a joke

about that if you just put a

round hole in the wall

will fuck right

it doesn’t have to look like a fake

pussy but the interior is

is key that

sounds absent

i wanted to try and create something that was confusing

and really actually felt as

close as possible and i

think i did a decent job

with the lotus

because it has this little note in there that’s kind of

you know like when you’re getting to the back and you

start to feel a little

something that’s coming

in and giving you a little pressure and you kind of

slide around it or something like that

i don’t exactly know how it works you talking

about the back of a vagina

yeah yeah but

there’s like

yeah it’s called warts

you gotta be careful with

those bitches

you just have

speed bumps on that

bitch needs to go to a doctor and get some shit cold

lasered it’s like

where the cauliflower where it

starts feeling like cauliflower

right right right

well i watch some

video online once that’s a g

spot by the way in a

board of stupid

flowers the cheese

box is that what it is yeah really

but every girl’s

different i mean you can’t really say it’s a g spot

the cauliflower

part is right but you know what i’m saying

there’s like certain spots it’s not

everybody doesn’t have the same spot

i always thought that’s silly

like when you watch like

pussy eating competitions or

instructionals rather

on the internet you ever seen

those right

that’s why i’ve

seen a few of them here’s an instructional

when you want when you’re eating out a girl

and you’re like up at the top

put a finger or two in and hit the cauliflower

and just massage it

while you’re licking it go

instant orgasms right

you pull it to

about it yeah

right towards you

almost pressure yeah you almost

and you come here yeah

yeah come hither

but every girl’s got a different groove

you know like some girls want you just lock on that

motherfucker and go crazy

yeah really fast tons

other girls like

gentle slow

gentle slow

cause they don’t trust you

they’re putting no

trust in you when you do that i don’t know if that’s it

i think it is i don’t know if that’s it i

think girls are

sensitive to

yeah the different shit

some girls like it

other girls say

hello they just haven’t gone the other way same with

same with nipples i mean some girls

whack them with a flyswatch some girls

tell you to bite their nipples

and other girls you

touch them like whoa like

it’s an interesting

thing with some girls that it seems that pain

has become some sort of a sexual

thing it’s not

every girl but there are certain

girls that pain for whatever reason turns them on

you know like they like to be

manhandled and choked and slapped and

spanked and shit

and they like to be fucked hard

where it hurts

like you look at him like you know it hurts like

you hit her face

but she’s loving it

you know what the

fuck is that i

think that has an


biological advantage because i

think you know sex back in the day was rough

brutish short

violent you

know and you know it just

made sense that’s how i

still rock it

made sense the girl that fuck the new school

you know and actually when a girl

obviously is more

excited she’s more open actually she has

a greater chance of conceiving i read

about that in a book called

sperm wars which is a

great book yeah

sperm wars i’ve

heard okay i looked into all this because

there was an

article that i read a couple articles i read

about killer

sperm that there are certain sperm

that go out and attack

other sperm

so i read this

on more than one source online and from that book

sperm wars but was his name baker

yeah believe his name

was dr baker

so then i read

some some different responses to that and

apparently there’s no evidence to support it whatsoever

the only evidence to support

that there’s like

some sort of

a blocking system

going on there’s evidence to support that there’s a

reason why sperm is gooey and sticky

one of the reasons clogging up the works yeah

trying to clog up the works for

other dudes

and there’s also very

strong evidence that no matter

there’s a direct correlation between not just

strong evidence but it’s been proven

between the

promiscuous nature of the females of the

population and the size of the testicles of the males

that the males just produce more sperm

but that’s just so they

could shoot more loads and have more chances

it’s not that there’s actually

sperm that are

going out there and killing

other sperm

so that sperm

wars book is a little wonky

yeah it’s a little wonky

but the the idea behind a

woman orgasm

and opening

her up and making her more likely to conceive

then you would

think that well then the rape

thing probably

wouldn’t be the best thing

the best move

no but you know

so how it passes through

sexual selection

is is the girl who actually through some

genetic mutation finds that

attractive that kind of

rough brute

kind of rape scenario

attractive is

gonna produce more some

vaginal fluid

which is gonna help conduct the

sperm a little better

be more open to it

so she’s going to be more likely to conceive

meaning they’ll be eventually over time

an advantage for the females who like

that kind of dominant scenario

in cultures that have dominant sex

right and they’re also

gonna be cohabitating with dominant males in

that way you’re

gonna have someone who’s

gonna protect you and get some shit done

send us some week

three quarter limp dick

just barely

sticks in he squeezes out a slug

you need to

split it with a popsicle

stick make your shitty genetic

baby to go out and get raped by a

tyrannosaurus rex or some shit

right all right

so you were talking

about the flashlight

that you were

designing that yeah tell us how many designs there are

that when you were designing what the lotus

yeah so how many are there

there’s got to be 16 17 different internals

and the variations are

different tightness like what is a different

texture whatever you

could think of i mean

i mean it was really a matter of

long you know

experience with

feeling these

things out and then you just come up with shit

you know like all this

would be interesting and you try it you know they

build a rod

try it out and some of them are

smash hits and some of them are like meh

you know have

you ever thought of developing some sort of a

cleaning sponge

thing like a very

small penis like

sponge that’s attached to like a wire

like a swiffer

yeah a cum swifter

exactly something

to get in there and

yeah well i mean it’s so

sticky inside anyway

so the material is it

would be tough to come up with something that

would actually

slide that was porous itself that

could actually clean

otherwise it

would be just like a

you know a dildo hardness

going has there ever been a recorded instance of a dude

using a flashlight having a venereal disease

leaving his load in a

flashlight and then another sick fuck using the

flashlight and getting that dude’s disease no no no

no recorded

incidents that’s possible

how long will

herpes last on the plastic surface of the flashlight

that’s a good question

it’s a very good

question i don’t know but we recommend

washing them around

every now and again

some water would help wait

who are you sharing it with joe that you

might be worried about just

saying don’t share your flashlight

that’s why you have one it’s all yours

you don’t need to

share it with

that he’s a kind looking homeless guy down the

street i don’t want him

giving my diseases

now bobby lee you

don’t need to share it

bobby lee was

on her show last week and he’s a huge supporter of the

vibrating one that has the little rechargeable beads

right now he said that

they only last five minutes does he have a defect

one or no they

last 60 minutes 60 minutes so he has a defect

maybe he’s just because he’s like halfway through it

stop he just

brushes it correct

well you can handle you just squeezes it so hard

against the side

is that how it works the harder you squeeze it the more

it revs no i don’t know i mean

these things are you know

they have a little engine a little off centered

little motor in it and it lasts about

you know lasts

about 60 minutes and it’s

a beat if you

move closer to the mic so that we all have the same

we did different volumes

and it fits

right into the slot

yeah so like

every one of them but little

three slots in the head

and usually you can only fit one or two in there

with yourself but

we have three slots just in case

and just whoever’s

vibrates your dick

yeah i you know some people like it i

think it’s more distracting

i don’t really i’m not a big fan

of the vibration yeah i don’t feel like it feels good

where is the

where is the fantasy because what am i fucking

what am i fighting

a girl on a washing machine fucking a

robot right

on a washing machine

in a hurricane

during an earthquake

yeah there’s

some really good products by another company called

screaming o

and it’s like a vibrating cock ring

and they’ve kind of

taken that market

which is awesome for the chicks but

i find it kind of a little bit

annoying for me to have it on because

the vibration is just distracting like you feel less

like imagine your hand

like on a massager

and then trying to like feel something cool

propeller and feel anything

right and then also what if like the

chick only wants it with that vibrating cock right

you’re like my cock and balls are not enough

right has to turn yourself

into know it

would annoy you man

well cock yeah because i

dated a dude i dated

a chick who

dated a dude

dated a chick who

dated a dude

and they had

a bad relationship and one of the bad problems in

their relationship was she got addicted to vibrators

yeah like very much addicted i

had to really

a girl that was addicted to it yeah dude

first of all

what’s up with

bitches telling you like problems they had with

other dudes sexually like

fucking stop

all right because we know you’re

gonna do that to us too you fucking

creep you tattletail

creep you know

but a lot of girls like

you know and then

he couldn’t get it up and then god i was like is it me

and you’re like

half of this is you just trying to get me

excited but like

i can get it up

fuck him don’t

worry about him

you know engaging in that sort of a weird

masculine ego

thing or like

or you know like wow this poor girl she

needs some dick she’s like you know she needs some dick

like it’s a little banter in game you play

but this girl apparently

could not come without

like for like a long time like she had to wean

herself off of it

right she had to not use anything

for like a year

she used to use shower heads

she’s used the the faucet

apparently when you’re in the tub

you can crank that


fuck her up

and she was built

she is the perfect height to

slide her pussy

right underneath the

thing and just get

blasted on the

snatch by the

fucking full

stream of water

and that’s how she

would orgasm she

would orgasm doing that and she

would orgasm with vibrators

and so like

she would like like

fuck her dude

and just be like you done you done okay good

which is gotta be annoying as fuck to the dude you know

like if your chick

wants you to put that cock ring on all the time like

come on really right what are we doing here

the fuck are we doing here

is it all about this or is it about love baby

you start becoming a chick

you know can’t you just hold me

can’t you just hold me why do i have to put in your ass

yeah it is funny though the

psychology that changes if you’re not

if you don’t really feel like you’ve done

the best job you could with a check oh yeah

table blow short

you’ll catch yourself being

not yourself fuck yeah you

seem like a weak bitch you haven’t like given

extra long massages

like what am

i doing here now oh dude yeah guys who have

sexual problems men you

could always see it in the relationship

the relationship is always bad they can’t fuck

right you know

i know dudes that get addicted to porn

you know and

i’ve talked to a couple guys you know

bobby lee was talking to us

about it that

bobby lee has a hard time getting it up

because he’s just addicted to porn because he

watches porn so much and then like you know you

would like a regular girl you like what’s all this

what is this what am i doing here

good what am i doing here

where’s your heels

right now this is all your real hair what the fuck

you can’t even wear your fake eyelashes yeah you know

how come your

tits aren’t hard

yeah fuck is good

he likes the hd one he’s like pays for it

yeah he buys the dvds he gets

dirty he gets up in there yeah

yeah i don’t know tv

that’s a weird

thing how people get really like

connected to some one

particular thing that turns you on

you know when

some guys man it gets it stops being regular people

starts being the porn

yeah yeah i

guess that’s the guy’s trap is the porn and the girls

is the vibrator

sort of i mean

girls get the porn too

right don’t girls get addicted to porn

yeah i mean i know a couple girls

esther’s addicted to porn addicted

though like really

esther like a guy addicted yes she doesn’t

like esther

had like 12

videos on her

phone of porn

videos i don’t even have

porn videos on my

phone i just fucking go to like you know some

streaming porn site

right but that

might be a fact of the fact that she can’t

find very many good ones so she’s got to save them

you know i’m saying like porn that’s good for girls

it’s hard to come by she

bought jenna jameson

sweater off ebay addicted to porn whoa

how many loads were on that sweater

jesus christ

you can make a

whole army of

humans with that sweater

just throw that sweater

throw that sweater

to a few scientists

and go yo there’s some shit in there do what you

gotta do some

biological material

clone it you’d have a goddamn army

have you seen chris’s

photo from halloween from two

halloweens ago

where they all him and all his friends all

dressed up as the characters from

street fighter

by the way i’m not insinuating that

jenna jameson

is having sex with anyone

other than tito ortiz you just jokes

nobody get a fucking hurt

pussy over this

no sand in your vagina pleases

these are just jokes

i love jenna

jameson i love tito

these are just jokes

you might be able to find loads on my

sweater too how about that

maybe more than hers

if that happens

maybe more loads and

maybe cheetos maybe i’m

experimenting with

a gauntlet of loads

but yeah on his website warrior poet

chris’s website

yeah chris’s warrior about

warriorpot us right

he’s got a great

photo you got to

check it out it’s hilarious i mean they all look

exactly like these

stuff we got the full

street fighter for 16 person cast yeah

you had the shave

what is it what are you talking about just

random people in the streets no all our buddies

all our buddies

like we all

got together

did i was oh you guys are dorks

you guys like

those avatar people that pretend to be blue

kill how to recreate avatar

we recreated the fallen home tree

yeah but if you saw that on halloween

if you saw that on halloween you

would be like wow that’s fucking amazing it was

a really funny

online video

where it was a

spoof of these

avatar people

that recreate avatar and it was like you know

it was just a parody

but it was really funny

but the funny

thing is that people really do that

but at least if you’re doing avatar

you’re doing something fantastical and

fantasy filled and wonderful

what about these assholes that pretend

they’re in the civil war

right you know we’re

gonna recreate a battle

we’re gonna come over the hill

right there and then

you’re gonna

meet us with

cannon fire

you know you’re

gonna fall yeah

what are you doing

did you guys hear

about just one

thing if they had paintball

guys is your website getting

crushed yeah your website’s

getting destroyed so never mind

well we just

crushed your website that quickly

welcome to the

power of the podcast

you got my webmaster is it wordpress

the motherfucking saga

continues yeah we’ve

crushed many a website on the show

i actually enjoy doing it now

something i like

being able to imagine a website and

watching that

motherfucker hit the next

round bolster

the bolster

the defenses

it’s more of

a flaw of wordpress we’ve had problems with

ours man we’ve had problems whenever the podcast runs

i’m just got to separate

everything onto two servers because i have a message

board and a regular blog

and when the podcast hits

you can access it through the regular

blog and when you access it through the blog it’s like

everything else just slows down to a fucking

creep cause there’s just thousands of people hitting it

and really honestly not that many

i mean it’s only

like a couple of thousands at a time it’s amazing like

how little it takes

to crush a website

you know a couple thousand hits at once

and it just

crushed the

what the fuck are we prepared for

what kind of

weak ass shit is this you know it’s not like a

television where everyone

can tune into the station at the same time well

it’s a flawed

system no it is

if you have a server set up

right and prepared for that you’ll be fine

using like cloud servers but the problem is

you know you

get your private server and that’s just if you think

about it private server is one computer

so imagine we

have a computer we have a

dedicated server

for that and a couple

other sites but

we probably

should go to the cloud

go to the clouds

it’s time to go to the

cloud bitches

did you hear

about that nbc employee that got fired

because he leaked a video of

bryant gumble

and whatever that

chick’s name from the

today show from 1994

where they were talking

about the internet

and they both did not know what the internet was

ninety four i know who the fuck cares right

the guy got

fired from nbc

cause he put it on youtube and now

nbc’s trying to take down the clip from youtube i mean

why cause they look like fools yeah but

it’s ninety four

so but play it we have to find out how someone lost

their job off this

you know what it is man it’s the


these old fucks that are

still in charge of

these corporations

they just have not caught the fuck up

here we go

with the a and then the ring around it

see that’s what i said

case that she thought it was about yeah

they didn’t know what that means dumb cunt

can you turn it louder bro

well allison should know what do you think

about anyway

internet is that massive computer network

the one that’s becoming really big now

what do you mean that’s the way i just wanted to know

what do you write to it like male

no a lot of people use it communicate

it i guess they can communicate with mbc

writers and producers allison

can you explain what internet is

no she can’t say anything in ten seconds or less

allison will be in the studio shortly

what does it mean


right and others can access right

just really

handy during the

quake a lot of people that’s

how they were communicating out to tell family and

loved ones they were okay because all the

phone lines were down

i was telling katie

you don’t need

you don’t need that you don’t need a

phone line to operate you

know no apparently

not so katie is talking to a lot of people out in la

who are afraid to go to sleep

really yeah they’re scared to go to

sleep a lot of people

who particularly

those who live alone are

are afraid i mean they’re

they’re getting in the bed with the gym

shoes how did he segue

from the internet

to being scared to go to sleep

alone is it good

that a tremor

will come through

i’m hoping they talk more

about the internet again

okay let’s just kill it

right there

that’s fascinating i’m saving that

right now i went to keepvid com

yes by the way if there’s

anything that you can find on the internet like a

youtube clip they’re like oh shit what if they find out

about this is

gonna get yanked

go to keepvid com

keep k ep vid

com and there’s

an application

what it lets you do is you put in the

url of the youtube clip

and then all you have to do is

press you know follow the instructions

and pick what

resolution you

want what format and then you can download it yeah

and if you have mac i’ve noticed it

doesn’t work on chrome yes it

doesn’t work on

safari either i think

it works on firefox

it does safari

does it work on yeah it just takes a while it

doesn’t work on chrome though at all

for some reason

maybe i got it set up wrong

but i’m not a fan of chrome

i use it but it shows too many distortions on websites

shows things

and i’ve been

going back and forth i’m

still stuck with chrome for some reason i think

it’s better in safari

my problem with

safari is is that

flash does not work good in safari

like i don’t know if that’s flash

versus apple

but it seems like

safari flash

crashes way more than a

dozen chrome

you know why is that embarrassing to them

that they didn’t know what the internet was in 1994 i

mean what the fuck is

why does everyone have to look like they knew

everything all the time

i mean that’s the only way

anybody should be

upset at that

nbc should be fascinated by that they

should put that online they should

put that on the

today show today

yeah that should

be funny that

should be fun

like a fun clip

sure look at us

yeah look at us

from what was

it and they’re

super 17 years ago they released a

statement like and

just said look at this wasn’t this

funny back the

internet was in its infancy

yeah and then people

would be like wow that’s

crazy instead they’re trying to hush it

which makes you

think there needs to be something to be hushed

which makes you think

that these guys are

dummies when really

they would have been like any of us exactly

they’re ashamed of themselves

which is why charlie sheen is the baddest

motherfucker on

the planet cause

he ain’t ashamed he ain’t

given any apologies

he’s wearing fake mustaches and picking up hookers

fucking brian gumble you

pussy is it you are you scared

brian yes you

scared of everybody knowing that you didn’t

know what the internet was i bet that’s what it is

i bet brian gumble

is in a loan in his office all delusional detached

from society going

who put this online

i want his job you know he’s not on the

internet i want his

job you know he’s not on the internet

brian double

yeah he’s one of

those guys that refuses to go on the internet i don’t

think you’re

right you don’t

think no i think

everyone’s on the internet now if you want to be a

journalist there’s not a chance in hell you can stay

off the internet and stay active my stepdad who is a

porn will be

architect nothing else

my stepdad gumball’s got a

ton of fat white

broads on his computer

i bet that’s all it is

fat greasy white

bitch is eating chicken

like big black guys

could you imagine how badass it

would be if you got to

brian cumbles

and all of his shit was like dudes with bones in

their noses and

giant afros

and just the

black cause he’s the whitest

black guy ever

right just the

blackest of the

black all just fuckin

these greasy

fat zit ass

white bitches

just trailer bitches with dirty

socks on and shit

just yeah i

would love to find out what kind of

point blank

guys got on

fucking computer

they do you got you go to one of

these shows like the

avn you see

these sites

and it’s like how do you even come up with that

exactly but

they do it’s also strange

isn’t it man it’s also strange for people get into

hmm but this is disturbing to me that someone lost

their job for that

that guy should have been

given a raise

you know or at

least recognized for his

you know wow

for just found this

that’s amazing

that’s a good job yeah yeah

whatever i would be

laughing if i was

brian cumbal i

would be asking you to play that

i’d be like play that

jesus count

crook and if you imagine what has

changed in 17 years cause

there’s nothing embarrassing

about not knowing that then

you know in 1994 there’s nothing embarrassing

about it and if you’re

brian gumble

or the other

chick no you

should hear about the

story and fucking

write the producers of

that show or nbc and go look

do not fire this guy

give him his job act stop being a fucking retard yes

absolutely i 100

agree yeah that’s a very good

point brian

yeah this is

ridiculous that someone lost

their job for that

you know i heard a


story about the kind of the father of the

modern computer

this guy alan

turing was a british guy and he

basically developed

what was going to be the groundwork for the binary

system you know the ones and zeros and

brilliant guy created like the touring

computing system or whatever

and also actually helped

help the allied

forces decode

the codes that were

going to the u boats from the nazis

and i created the

system that helped do that

but the fucked up

thing was and what caught my attention is is like 1952

he got convicted of

gross indecency

by the uk because he was a gay man

and they the punishment at that

point was injections of female hormones

no so they started injecting this dude

forcibly with female hormones wait a

minute that’s the punishment for

gross indecency and he committed suicide two years

later like tragedy he was only like

i think he was under 50 years old

wow what is

wrong with the

english folks i

know back then

that would be

the punishment and this was like what year was this

this was a 50

i think he died

yeah 52 alan turing tu

ring that’s incredible it is

so what were they trying to do turning them into a

woman well i

guess it was supposed to lower his sex

drive so he wouldn’t be

humping dudes because he had too much

estrogen and whatever else they put it in him

who the fuck

now whoa can

you imagine the horror

of like getting

state injected

female hormones that just made you feel all fucking

tracked oh my

god terrible

jesus christ

after he helped he helped decode

the fucking codes for the u but he

should have been

given you know

here’s 20 boys to

men to adore

you you know

here’s a bunch of dudes like

where’s the fucking

honor it’s amazing how much

things have

changed in 70

years 67 years you know it’s really kind of

crazy when you

think about it you know how much more

things are accepted now and that is a

direct result

of the spread of information

you know people kind of

understand that gay people aren’t

twisted and fucked up and

you know it’s like the

ignorance is the real

issue there’s

a crazy story that i read today

from god i forget

where it was i

think it might have been florida i forget the

state but a guy

stabbed his friend

because he found out his friend was a

muslim and they

apparently they

lived in the same town hung out together a

bunch of times they were talking they’re in

their 50s okay

they’re at a bar they’re talking at a bar

and the guy mentions that he’s

muslim and so the

other guy just fucking stabs him in the neck

jesus yeah and he gets arrested he’s like

muslims are the

cause of the problems well this

whole world

you know like what what you just

stabbed that guy in the neck because he said it was a

muslim like

vagatory well

a disassociation with

just the grip on reality

some people you know the amazing

thing though really and this is something to

focus on this

is something that’s actually very important

we are not supposed to know

about that guy

cause he is fucking nowhere near us

the real issue with

human beings is that

we’re set up

to deal with immediate danger immediate threats

immediate positive and negative aspects of our life

right here and now what’s here

but now because of the internet and because of

television and the news and movies

we have access to this fucking massive

chain of shit that’s coming in

so we’re not

learning about

300 million people even we’re

learning about

the whole world over

the more fucked up it is the more you’re

gonna hear about it

right you know serial killers in russia

a fucking guy who eats

babies and yugoslavia

where the fuck it’s happening

completely unrelated to you

it’s all just gonna come

swarming in on you to the

point where

you’re fucking

completely terrified yeah but

if you really look at it as long as

you don’t live in the shittiest of shitty neighborhoods

if you really

look at it it’s amazing how well people get

along right

it really is

quite amazing

if you really stop and

think about it

that we can get through

30 40 years of a life and

never been in a fist fight

i know a lot of guys who have

never been in funeral

been a fist fight

right i mean too but they were middle

school and middle freshmen

it’s amazing i

lived i mean i’ve

lived a life

around a lot

of that and it was only two years ago that i got in my

first actual

street fistfight

well i mean if you

go to bars it can happen it can happen but it’s amazing

though it’s very

rare it’s incredible how

rare it happens

even at ufcs i mean how many times have been to

ufc though the audience is

drunk it’s at

least 10 skull t

shirt wearing meatheads

right at least 10

and still very few five yeah

but that there’s another factor at work there if you

fight someone at

ufc you never

know big risk yeah

there’s someone from you know

american top team who hasn’t made it to tv sitting next

year wearing that same t

shirt check his ears

homie yeah yeah exactly it’s not a malik 11

inside his ear

yeah it’s a little

risky to be

yeah that’s true

but there’s also you know dudes

think through the falcon

of course the fucking man

of course i can’t believe

rashad evans pulled out that fight that

pussy like guys

are like you know send me twitter messages or

email messages calling

fighters pussies

and i just go oh my god

do you know how

silly this is like

this is like a little baby crying

right now this is just nonsense

you’re saying nonsense you tell me a professional

cage fighter is a

pussy even the

worst professional cage

fighter is not a pussy the

worst one that’s ever lived

yeah he’s not a pussy all

right even if

he fucking taps out

after he gets hit a

bunch of times

you would tap out

quicker stupid

all right let’s not

no i wouldn’t bro

i feel no pain

i have no fear

yeah it was

people love to make up shit

i was reading up

all the shit that steven seagal

has made up all throughout his career because there’s a

whole thing

going on right now

where steven seagal

told everybody that anderson silva he

taught anderson that kid

which is kind of what he’s supposed to do

right i mean there’s

videos of him

training with anderson well fuck it anderson

barely even

speaks english

just run around tell everybody

that you taught him it

and you know what anderson’s so cool

he’ll probably be like yeah yeah he touched

me he’s a good

guy i always

thought that was just

him playing a goof

but anderson anderson

did you do a little wing chung and

he always does

that he’ll do a little like moving the hands

funny and he’s just letting you know he’s

ready to fucking explode in your face

to kick you in the chin

yeah that was a

ridiculous fight was

ridiculous is he

really saying that

is he really saying that he’s the one that

taught him yes

steven seagal was really saying that boss rooting went

fucking crazy

and boss rooting i’m

gonna go do an advertisement for his gym so i’m

gonna try to get him on the podcast too because boss

rooting will have

some fucking amazing stories

brawls and holland

he’s just a

savage i love boss room

but boss went

crazy on twitter

and he’s like

what planet is he from

did he learn this from fucking disneyland he’s like

boss roots go

crazy on twitter

he’s angry at

steve i heard

i heard an unverified

story about

when jean labelle

and steven seagal

had a yeah that’s a true

story that’s an absolute true story

gene nobel told me that story

jean dean tells you it like this he

doesn’t actually tell you

those stories that’s a

story well you

know steven was trying to say that no one

could joke him out

you can’t joke him out you have this move

this move stop you

from choking out so you know i was like alright steven

let’s try it

i get him in the headlock there i get him in the rear

naked and he takes this hand the free hand and he

just karate

chops me right and

you know the old

sisters and

there’s like you know the way gino

bell talks i

would even say his balls is

like the nicest

guy ever he

would say something

right in the old johnson

you know and then

well and then i

guess he got

tired after doing that he just fell asleep

i guess maybe forgot to go to the bathroom

so i went to the bathroom then

and if you know jean labelle

jean labelle is like

first of all he was like one of the original

mixed martial artists he’s a judo guy that had cage

fights or it wasn’t a cage it was you know

basically a mixed rules fight where he fought a boxer

you know he fought a boxer with his judo

guian and took the boxer down and beat his ass

you know jean was like

he’s like the guy that taught

bruce lee about grampling

you know bruce lee

back in the day thought you could just karate

kick everybody in the head and that was the shit

and bruce lee actually worked on a lot of

more effective things like leg kicks and

short range techniques wing chung and boxing

punches and stuff like that but he really wasn’t

aware about grappling

until he hooked up with

jean le bell

and jean lapel is a fucking gorilla

he’s just you know national champion judo player

and he’s just so fucking ridiculously strong

and i’m sure he grabbed that little

135 pound chinese man

and had him fucking shit his

pants going okay now we learn grapple

yeah you know i mean you had to learn grappling

after you fucked around with jean labelle

yeah so jean

labelle telling the

story you know it makes it extra funny but but

but he was at the ufc again he’s in in

in anderson silva’s corner

oh nice he’s always

steve seagal’s always in anderson silva’s

i don’t know

yeah how did they how did they get together

i don’t know maybe

just like a fan and you want well

tell you what dude the bottom line is whatever you

think might

think silly

about steven

seagal the motherfucker was a serious aikido

guy you know like if you watch his aikido

videos he’s not

completely full of shit

all right i’m not a fan of aikido i think it’s

silly nonsense

but if you’re gonna get good at

silly nonsense

which i kind of did i got really good at taekwondo

and a lot of that

silly nonsense a lot of that shit

doesn’t work when dudes are

shooting doubles on you and drop it elbows on your face

steven seagal

learn the different kind of

silly nonsense and it’s not all

silly nonsense

it’s just that

all out of all of it what percentage of it

would actually work

against someone knew what the fuck they’re doing

that’s the most important

thing about martial arts

it’s got to work on someone who knows how to fight

right now like

you always talk to those

street fight guys

like we practice

street tempo

we work on street tempo

basically a lot of techniques

involving mailboxes

whatever you find on the street

yeah you know how to slam a guy into a newsreader

it’s like they all have like fucking techniques

well you take your keys you put them in between your

knuckles now you

essentially have a deadly weapon in your hand

you know like your keys are poking out

like how long does it take to get your fucking keys and

stick your knuckles in them and hold them

get the fuck

out of here i mean if you’re getting in a

fight do you really want to

puncture someone’s

throat it sounds like something that you’re

taught at rape

school you know

don’t get raped

ladies put your

keys in between

your hands and

stuff you know yeah

yeah those those rape

classes are you ever see that when

they put the guy puts on the big blue suit and the wind

scream no and just kick them yeah kicking is the move

man lie on your back and

learn how to kick

learn how to use a guard

learn how to

put that’s if a

woman wants to

learn how to

fight you should

learn jiu jitsu

cause the reality is it’s very rare

unless you like an


strong woman

like i’ve met some

women that have like

good bone structure they’re

strong and like wow this chick

punches she can fucking hurt you

like one of the dudes who work for

fear factor had an assistant and she was just like

you know corn fed girl

just fucking not fat at all she was like only a hundred

thirty pounds

but this bitch

could punch so hard it was ridiculous

she like told me she’s like i can

punch really hard i’m like okay i get my hand

and she hit my hand i went god

damn and i thought

about her punching me in the face i’m like

this is how

she might be able to

knock me out if she sucker

punched me like

she fucking hits hard get out

get you you

never know but most girls

can’t do it most girls don’t know how to

punch that hard it’s a rare

thing so for most girls if they want to

learn how to

fight they’re gonna

learn how to use

their legs and

learn how to grapple

because if you

weren’t jiu

jitsu you could really

immobilize someone who’s much

stronger than you just

would take and

it seems like

a good triangle joke

should be a mandatory it’s hard

to do if a guy knows i mean

if a guy knows how to

fight well no but

if you’re in a rape scenario yeah but at

least he can eat your gun

hold on you’re

gonna be in

guard anyways

right you know i mean

i suppose there’s a good chance they could

slap that on

the guy would

know what was

going on you know

and choke him out

hold on to his fucking leg make sure he

doesn’t slam you

but you have to

you have to

learn how to use your legs because your legs are what’s

carrying you around all day you know for a

woman her arms

you don’t even realize

what percentage

is weaker your arms

are and that’s what your main weapons are you thinking

about hitting someone

with your hands

yeah what are

your hands doing all day they ain’t doing shit they’re

carrying your

purse and fingering yourself right

that’s not a lot of energy expected

i mean why your legs are

carrying a hundred

fifty hundred

thirty whatever the fuck you

weigh they’re

carrying that around all day your legs are

ridiculously strong

it’s like an ostrich

you know you get a hold of an ostrich

wing what is that

gonna do they don’t even work

they’ll kick a fucking hole in your chest yeah

those big meaty ostrich thighs

those r crumb

looking remember r

crumb the r

crumb is the

comic book artist

yeah i used

to draw all

those women with those big

giant ostrich

asses awesome

he said what a

weird part you ever

seen that movie that

crumb movie yeah it’s fascinating man


movie did you

watch the super bowl

of course not

i don’t give a fuck

about football

did you sleep

i didn’t even know who won i didn’t not only did i

not know who won i didn’t even know who was in it

until after it was over

i had no idea

i am completely

blissfully unaware of football

i don’t get it

but what i did get was that christina aguilera

fuck up with the national anthem

oh i love when someone fucks up

i don’t know why and look if it was me i

would be embarrassed too

but there’s something about

every one of us that loves when someone fucking

chokes how do you

like i know nerds and

stuff but you’re a singer so how do

you fuck up the one song that everybody knows you ready

yeah she’s fat

oh that’s why

can’t look forward to the next

thing enough hamburgers this is the

first part listen

bitch you ain’t

tricking anybody by wearing

black it ain’t dark out

okay we see a

large black

object on our screen

you know she’s

thinking baconator

baconator baconator

what are you doing i

understand divorce is hard on everybody sweetie

that’s good but you’ve got

like a billion dollars and you need to hire a fucking

trainer okay

eat some vegetables

every now and then now did she fuck up once or

twice or did she

i don’t know the words to national anthem but it was

definitely wrong all right

let’s listen

yeah let’s listen to it

she apparently

fucked up the lyrics and

switched it around and repeated

lyrics and some shit yeah unlike this you

could look over

and see football players in the audience

and they were

mouthing i think she

like mouthing i

think she fucked up

to honor america

listen to this guy’s fake

voice that guy

should be the strip club

coming to the stage

yeah be the king of all

strip club dj

right there no this is still okay

this is still according to script

i’m reading the lyrics that’s good

that’s what she fucked up or the ramparts we watched

oh she fucked up she said that twice yeah

oh my god she fucked up hard dude

that’s still okay she just fucked up that part

yeah she repeated herself twice

or repeated herself once

you gotta think about the song i mean this is talking

about bombs going off in the sky

ridiculous song we are such cocksuckers

united states

i always say the united

states is the balls of the dick that’s fucking the

world that’s what we are as citizens

in this crazy ridiculous rocket shooting fucking

rockets in our own lyrics

the national anthem has rockets in it and bombs

back then we were

fighting for our freedom joe we’re talking

about the glare of rockets

the red glare

the red glare of rockets like so many rockets that it

changed the night

you already did that one did it twice fella

you did to do how

sad is that that poor girl fucked up like that

that’s pretty rough

dude people realized it too

but they still cheered

i wonder if she got off going on if anybody know

if anybody knew well i think how her

style of singing or like i couldn’t even

understand what she was like

so much that i think

i don’t know i think that

style of singing sucks

yeah i don’t like it

rather change it i mean

yeah you can like what you like it’s okay

you know i’m not saying that i’m right and you’re wrong

all i’m saying is i think it sucks

i don’t like it yeah i think that

style is that yeah yeah

it’s like you just show them what you can do with your

voice you know

like like what is that girl named natalie

what the fuck’s her name singer

god damn it i know you’re talking just got a beautiful

voice nicole nott

i’ll look it up on itunes right there

she does it but when she does it

she does it like

it’s like she’s not doing it like

like to try to just to try to make the

her voice sound different like

she’s like expressing herself a certain way i

think you should

think about the words of the song and watch

her and if it

accentuates the message of the song then nelly

nelly furtado that’s her name yeah

like put on that song i’m like a bird put it on

just do it gives a shit

fucking fuck serious

i want to hear this goddamn song

because it’s interesting we have to edit this out

i’m sure they have some sort of intern

system they

could find someone

you can go hey dude there’s some songs up in this

bitch won’t you go find them


but my point is

that there’s

a difference between someone who’s got a beautiful

voice and someone’s got a beautiful

voice and they have to fucking show everybody

you know it’s

like a dude who’s all oiled up wearing a tank top

and walk around town so all

right dude i know you work out okay

it’s thirty degrees out i got a tank top on hey

you fucking

dummy with your stupid

voice yeah yeah

you got something there

you would think that someone you know it’s like

stephen pressfield in the war of art talking

about professionals

and not professionals yes it’s a not professional

thing to do

absolutely is

to just have to overdo

something to

show what you’re

capable of it’s like

someone should show up

do the job do it as good as you can and

go away absolutely

it’s like someone who wants

their guitar solo no matter what even if it fucks up

a song right

all right and there’s a lot of that out there

as the guitar solos

would get you all that

sweet pussy

it’s just me there’s a spotlight

on me i hit that guitar and i just feel it yeah

like this in this girl’s

voice this girl has a

gorgeous voice

the wind yeah

she’s a pretty girl

and when she sings though like

you can you know that she’s got this incredible range

but she’s not

using it to be a douche she’s

using it like she’s trying to make the song right yeah

turn that up ryan

like that man that’s beautiful listen to this

like the way she sings bird that bitch can

sing thinking about a bird too

it’s real man it’s not flashy show busy horse shit

even when she

does that you know she stretches it out but it makes

sense you know

just a fucking professional

are you listening christina

put the fucking donuts down and go running

we’re gonna get this together hooker

it’s not too late

it’s not too late

what are you thirty okay

pull it together whore

i’ll date you

brian will fuck up your life more than food ever

could i could look like your jewish

accent you will

be so stressed

out you will lose massive amounts of weight

i should have called her whore

that was searching for a word

i meant hooker but i’d already said it

she’s awesome to hang out with

call chick hooker and it’s okay like shut up hooker

you just playing around be

say shut up whore

you like hey what are you doing hookers like a

funny word it is

you know but it’s the fucking same thing

like girls call each

other hooker all the time and it’s funny

you know i always always calling people hooker

like in the audience too like someone yells and

i’m like shut up hooker

sit the fuck down

but it doesn’t really mean whore you know

it means like

freak bitch you know like sit the fuck down you

wacky broad

you know you know what i mean

right but whore

so i apologize christina

don’t let me

make you eat more

don’t let me

make you run to that fucking cupboard and

start pulling out cookies

and if you listen to

this podcast and you probably don’t let’s be realistic

but you never know man

never know i mean it is on the internet

if you listen we’re just fucking around

all right don’t get upset

but it couldn’t be

funny if it wasn’t true okay

we got a deal we all got to deal with our own little

shortcomings in this life

and you like food you don’t like to work out

we need to fucking rotate those

you don’t rotate

those so chris what’s your new business to about

and it’s open now right

last time you

were on here it wasn’t open you were talking

about it was just

about to start so

what is it so i

basically took

a need that i had you know

where i’m a guy who

parties hard

works hard works out hard and

you sound like the

ultimate male yeah

and she’s a badass

you know you don’t always

sleep and you know like

on most people’s

counter you know i

just saw your

counter there’s tons of supplements like a ton

like you have to take a

bunch of different

stuff yeah take

care of them put it all together

so what i created was

basically a conglomeration of

the best combination of ingredients i

could and put it in two pills

two different types of formulas

so one formula is

an antioxidant

vitality formula

gives you a

ton of energy without the caffeine

which further dehydrates you

causes bad shit

in your body and

starts eliminating the free radicals that are coming in

so you actually feel good and have more energy

as you’re going out

the other one and so that’s for like during a

party or pre

party it’s actually

super good for working out too right

because it just makes you feel better and it

doesn’t get you all

wired that’s the day quill

yeah that’s basically

it’s called roll

on yeah roll on and what’s your name your company

on it labs and it is on it labs com on it com onit

com cool and the

other ones for the or n i t o

n n double ns ooh you

trick people

though that’s confusing i know who’s o n i t

i don’t know so that

motherfucker is owning your business man

so we need to get another website

that ain’t gonna work

yeah that’s

gonna fuck people up dude

double that

that double ends

a mess that’s

gonna remember you’re

gonna lose money from that double end

did you try on it labs com

with one in

like well because i don’t want it to be too

literal you know like on it

you just it’s just

like yahoo guy hates money

i hate money

he fucking hates money

but so then there’s only

a jewish manager

you hate money

joseph you hate money

so my manager says oh we did this the show and

in vegas this weekend and

wow i shouldn’t even talk

about this he’s

gonna get mad if i talk

about this what

i can’t say anything oh i

gotta pull out

so onit labs

n n i t so it’s onit com

and all this

stuff is available

right now for sale

right so you can buy it

so shit that kills hangovers

well yeah so the recovery formula is more

focused on your

brain because if you’re not

sleeping if you’re

partying doing anything you’re not restoring your

serotonin oxytocin

dopamine all of the

brain chemicals get restored during deep

sleep your booze

up or if you’re

partying and you can destroy

those with pills or just

help it a little bit well you can help you can help it

quite a bit because

5hdp is the

building direct

precursor to serotonin

and when combined with b6

which is the catalyst

which converts

5 htp to serotonin

you can actually

start rebuilding

serotonin way faster

otherwise it

would take weeks to rebuild

but if you blast out your

serotonin you have the 5 htp

with the vitamin b6 paradoxing then

you can actually recover your

serotonin faster

so that’s why people feel bummed out

after they haven’t slept

and they get

cranky this

would be perfect for like if you’re dancing with molly

what hypothetically

if you were

doing ecstasy or

doing some kind of drug that’d be perfect for that

right well dancing with

molly you talking

about there’s a type of ecstasy

called molly

right pure fun

right and yeah i mean obviously the product

would work extremely

well for that because not only is it restoring your

serotonin which is

actually what makes you feel good is the

ecstasy releases too much

serotonin in your body

also the other formulas are

going to start

mitigating the


associated with keeping your body at that kind of

high level of reverberation

where all your ht

transmitters are just all

blocked up and the

serotonins running wild

which makes you feel great

it’s doing some it’s doing a little bit of damage

not like the

you know like

the studies that said it fries your brain

what does it

what is what does it do

like the studies that say that

ecstasy wow

yeah those were actually

it was mixed with methamphetamines

okay so methamphetamines

does that it was a bad

sample that they were

using and methamphetamines does that can you

show in your

brain well it’s kind of a metaphorical

way but it does serious serious damage you know

ecstasy from what you know there’s actually a big

study by rick

strassman now on post traumatic stress for mdma

really and yeah

soldiers coming back from the war they’re all

tweaked out they can’t

trust anything they’re shaking and

bombs are going off in

their head when they hear something slam on a table

right the mdma

well pure mdma

i shouldn’t call it

ecstasy that’s kind of the

street name for the drug but the pure mdma

it creates an environment

where you’re

trusting and loving in the universe again

and so they’re able to go relive some of

these things and say

okay that was war

but you know what this

isn’t war like this is life and life is good there’s

beauty in this life and really with some of the studies

coming back they just did i

think a 20 person

study got the results done

through maps

maps dot org

right and right

which is the

center for psychedelics yep

and studies rick

aspen’s running it what is map

stand for mall

multidisciplinary something

psychedelic studies




study something like that

but yeah great

study that came back but what

ecstasy will do is

obviously it’s very dehydrating so you

wouldn’t want to take any

caffeine or anything

like that because your body is trying to get rid of it

just like any

drug you take your body is trying to do that

and when your body is trying to get rid of something

you get dehydrated

it’s also has some


associated i mean if you’re

gonna be in that

level of high reverberation

free radicals are just

gonna be peeling out of your body

so really yeah

yeah i mean

that’s what it’s that stress it’s that kind of stress

that’s causing you know

where did you

learn all this stuff

did some research

did some research on it you know i mean obviously

the you know

psychedelic research and a lot of this

is up my alley

plus with the supplements

just dealing with the formulas that i have

and seeing kind

of the damage that a lot of people in my

generation are

going through

who are partying hard and

some of them are doing drugs i’m not

advocating doing it but a lot of people are doing it

and they’re doing it in a way that’s really damaging

their ability to move on with

their life and

handle business

as well as they should

so while these

foremans aren’t designed specifically for that

they do obviously

really help because it’s just like

that’s like the

ultimate level

of putting attacks on your body

when you’re

partying with drugs i need to get it

it takes it to the

other level

so the rollover

formula has five http directly converts to serotonin

l tryptophan

which is actually

the building

block of 5htp so it’s more like a time release

also the same

thing it’s in

thanksgiving turkey

makes you kind of

sleepy kind of

brings you down from any of your

big high experiences

i only did ecstasy

once and i decided

right after i did it this is probably not a good

thing to do i

felt terrible the next day you need the recovery for me

right well i don’t

need the whole block

well there’s a couple

things happening you have


built up and you have low

serotonin from

what’s happened so

you know it

can make you feel good

i want to try this

yeah totally

i want to try this

stuff too i

think it’s fascinating

there’s a whole new

area of interest

these days and that’s

mind chemicals like mind

vitamins what they call neutropics a

bunch of different

substances that

increase increase circulation to certain areas of

your brain increase the

work load rather of certain areas of your brain

i love that

stuff i think it’s so amazing

people have figured out how to do that

you know it’s really

amazing how many different substances on this earth

interact with the

human body like i gave you guys some stevia

we have coffee here instead of

sugar we have stevia

and stevia is like this natural

sweetener that

doesn’t have any calories and it

doesn’t fuck you up and

doesn’t jack your

glucose levels or

it’s really yeah it’s really good yeah

dissolves in dissolves in a cup of

green tea that

yeah yeah and it’s

it’s it’s interesting

you know that there’s all

these different

things like

caffeine you know there’s

things that

jack up your you know your chemistry and get you going

like it’s amazing

there are many different

things there

are also very interesting is that

the lobbies that try and

block these things

like stevia you know i don’t know

my facts exactly but i know that the

sugar lobby

put up a big stink

about stevia like a big

stink i’m sure created some

created some issues like i don’t think

like coca cola in

other countries diet coke uses stevia but in real

coca cola nine percent sure

that coke uses steven

i know there are some sodas that use it i

definitely but then but they

don’t use it here in the us just because there’s such a

stink about it yeah

hillary clinton

lobby’s done

hillary clinton was

asked yesterday

about let me find the

article so i can

because it’s so ridiculous

it just shows what the fuck is

wrong with this country

yeah mexican

coca cola is in bottle you can buy out in la

and they use real cane

sugar still in

mexico so when you have like a coke in the bottle out

here in la it’s so

weird tasting it

because it kind of remember

you kind of remember as a kid

drinking it

tastes like here’s what

here’s what

hillary clinton said they were talking to her

about the war in mexico and drugs

and this just goes to show you how fucked up the drug

lobbyists in this country are and the


lobbyists and how much

influence they have

we can’t legalize drugs because there’s just too much

money in it

that’s what she said

this is an exact

quote you know

i hear the same

debate i hear it in my country

it’s not likely to work there’s just too much

money in it i don’t

think that you can legalize

small amounts for

possession but

those who are making so much

money selling

they have to be stopped

oh you mean like

pharmaceutical companies pushing

oxycontins in florida like they’re fucking kit kats

is that what you mean and it’s so

dirty how they do it too like even l

tryptopin l

tryptopin is

you know it’s

gonna boost your

serotonin a lot of

those drugs prozac paxil

all these things they fall in a category called

ssris selective

serotonin reuptake inhibitors

and all of those drugs are

basically operating on your

serotonin mechanism giving you more serotonin

well l tryptophan

5 htp does this naturally

they give us

one bad batch of l tryptophan

that came in from

japan it was

tainted it had some bacteria that grew in it like it

could happen to fucking vitamin c

whatever they logged onto that and just started

pounding the fda

into the fda

outlawed it for like

10 12 years

until finally people were like this is ridiculous

stuff helps you

relax helps you

sleep build serotonin

but the drug

lobbies have just huge power

you know i mean huge

power to be able to alter

it’s incredible that she

would answer this that way without the obvious

but obviously

there’s a lot of

other drugs that are

legal in this country like alcohol and tobacco that

cause a lot of damage

i mean they don’t even look at the

whole picture

when they’re answering they’re so used to people not

completely questioning them

you’re right there fella yeah

there’s something

going on with

their mics they

start echoing or something

there’s some there’s an arrogance

to these type of answers you know

you’re supposed to be the person with the answer

someone asks you a question and here’s your answer

and you know

logically that this answer is

ridiculous because it

discounts all the

money that you get from drug companies from


companies what

about all the

money you get from alcohol

companies and tobacco companies what

what about all that

money where

where is that what

how does that factor into your

thing well it

doesn’t they just stop the conversation

and it’s like

it’s a sickness it’s a sickness that we allow this

it’s a sickness that politicians can say retarded

shit like that

and not just be

blasted all over the news for being hypocrites

i mean what they

should have on cnn

tonight is hillary

clinton’s quote

and then all the fucking

money she got when she was

running for president how much of it is connected to


companies and how

much of it was connected to alcohol companies and back

yeah how much it

where’s the

lobbyists where

who’s paying them what

you know what is she

voted for in the past what is she

tried to keep legal

you know come on man you fucking criminals

yeah you dirty

stinky corrupt criminal i’ve got

every one of you fucks i’ve got

not screaming in the streets you’re a fucking crook

i’ve gotten pretty

fired up on the same

topic recently and

i just found a

video from milton friedman

who is a pretty

famous libertarian and economist

and he was actually talking it’s just a real breath of

fresh air to listen to him because he’s quoting

john stewart mill the philosopher

basically saying like the only

right the government has to impose on our freedom

is if we’re hurting somebody else like

the bottom line period

like no other

statements and the

video that i actually have on my site

is milton friedman talking

about seat belt and helmet laws

and he’s saying like

this was a litmus test the seat belt and helmet laws

of the government imposing

their will upon people

and nobody really cares that much

about those laws but he’s like

this is a sign of what they’re doing

they’re saying they know better than you

what’s good for you and they’re

going to make you do this

said it’s your

fully your right to wear it

should be fully your

right to wear no helmet on your motorcycle

like it’s not

gonna hurt anybody else yeah it’s a

stupid risk you shouldn’t do it

it’s not advocating wearing no helmets

that’s your

right and the government has no fucking business

right telling you

otherwise it’s like you telling

brian that he has to wear a helmet and if he

doesn’t you’re

gonna lock him in a cage yeah

there’s really no difference

between you and the government i mean you know

other than the fact that supposedly the government is

supposedly elected to represent you

which gets very questionable it’s very

very fucking gross

yeah god damn it

but you know

the other point is

too that if you’re

if you create all

these laws that people find is immoral

you know they

begin to distrust the whole

system like you have to follow these laws

like people don’t look at

police as they

should like police should be

saviors you know like

oh thank god the police are here

right you know you’re having a

party everybody’s

happy things are good you like ah

there’s a fucking police outside

right you know it’s like

when you create a

system like that that’s when

things get fucking

tracked there’s a cop in los angeles that

claimed to have gotten shot

outside of a school

and he was apparently

bullshit the entire time

and they went this massive manhunt looking for

this guy who shot the cop and he gave a description and

everything is

white male with a fucking

great ponytail you know you

think it’s some

crazy biker type character

right turns out

it was just complete fabrication this

guy now did he

shoot himself

i don’t know

they didn’t

find investigating

they’re investigating so i don’t

think they’ve made an official statement

but the official

statement is that the cop has

admitted that he lied

that no one really shot him

so what the fuck man

and they apparently cost

500 000 for this manhunt

and that’s only

what it cost to stay

cause i was

trapped in that traffic

and i was like an hour and a half

out of my schedule for the day

that’s a good

point right how many people lost

money how many deals didn’t get closed how many

things didn’t

eventually you’re

gonna be able to have something in your car

just like let i talk shit

on your iphone

where if you’re

stuck in traffic you’re

gonna be able to

press a button and have a fucking

direct conference

video call with people

you know they’re

gonna be right there looking right at

you you know

like so you can have a meeting in your car

should be now

auditions why not

man i fucking love having calls in my car

man that’s the number one reason why i went to verizon

i went to verizon over at and

t was cause i had the iphone

i fucking drive around man my

phone just would cut off left and

right it would piss me off

would drive me nuts yeah at

t is bad here verizon

fucking almost

never cuts off man it’s amazing

yeah i mean it’s it’s like

it’s so much better it’s not

it’s not twenty percent better or

thirty percent better it’s like

fifty or sixty percent better

you know like at amp

t was just cutting out

everywhere the verizon

might fuck up

every now and then you know you go through some

weird hilly area or something

where there’s no signal period

but they just fucking at

t was brutal

and that my car when i get in it’s got that bluetooth

thing where it syncs up and then the

voice comes through the

speakers so you can have some pretty cool conversations

and you’re not taking your hands off the wheel

it’s just like someone’s in the car with you

you know like you’re having a fun

cover it makes

driving so much more interesting by yourself

but fucking eighteen

teach can’t pull it off supposedly verizon

with this new iphone is actually

teetering your download speeds

because they’re trying that’s how they’re trying to

i guess they’re

regulating yeah yeah yeah what is

the word staggering

and staggering it yeah

whatever the

word is if they find out you use a lot they’re

gonna cut your shit down

and then like you’ll have like half the download

speed or whatever a fraction of the download

speed that you had before that’s

annoying that is annoying

you know what else is annoying

it’s a world

phone and that they don’t have that part

activated yeah

cause i have a

blackberry with verizon i thought

about using the iphone with

verizon but you know with the

ufc i’m always

traveling to england and

traveling around the world

i gotta go to australia in a couple weeks

i couldn’t deal with

you know having no

phone over there that would

annoy the shit out of me yeah

you know but they don’t have you

think that they’re

gonna activate it

later maybe it’s just something that they’re waiting on

apple to get you know like the software part

put in there somehow

i don’t know what the fuck it is man it’s kind of

annoying you know

yeah it seems

weird that it’s in the

phone but you can’t use it

it makes no

sense at all

hey chris we can hear you peeing man

it’s not because

you’re waterfall they put

doors on bathrooms for a reason so

what didn’t you wanna

talk about in

vegas nothing

can i tell you what happened to me in vegas

yeah yeah tell me

about the hooker story

oops sorry yeah

i forgot i forgot that that was the

whole story

that was what was

funny about it

we’re just telling a

story anyway

so we were out this

is what happens let me tell you something what happens

we’re all drunk and it

was three o’clock in the

morning or whatever the fuck it was i’m laying in my

hotel room conked out

and my phone

starts vibrating and it’s brian

yeah and so what happened to me is we all separated

after the bars and we

went to our separate

hotel or separate elevators or whatever

so i get in an elevator

and right before it

closes this girl does like the arm thing

to get in the elevator so i’m like oh hey

she was like this girl that

looked just like kim

kardashian a little bit

taller than me

fucking wearing a nice

dress like tan just look really like rich i

guess and just top

top of the line

shelf girl i have to comment real

quick how many girls say they look like kim kardashian

on like facebook don’t i look like kim

kardashian oh

is that it that’s

what i look like kim kardashian

so i hit 10

that was on floor 10

and she hit nine

and she starts texting

and just not paying attention

i was just looking at her

tits wasn’t paying attention

the door opened

and shut and then

right when it was shut and she goes

fuck i missed my floor

and i just jokingly

cause i was so wasted

i had the balls to

do this i jokingly said

you can crash in my room

and then she goes

she looks at me for like a couple

seconds goes

okay and then

the elevator door opens and i’m like in

shock i’m like she’s not

you know she’s fucking with me

i get out of the elevator

she just follows me out

my room was

right down there

started walking she’s just following

me we’re not talking we’re not saying anything i just

look over at her i’m smiling she’s like smiling at me

and then i open my door up

the door opens

shuts she fucking immediately

throws pushes me

against the wall

grabs my dick

starts making out with me just for like a good

minute or so what’s

going through your head

right at that point

like don’t fuck this up don’t fuck this up no it’s

fuck yeah fuck yeah this

is awesome i’m making out with a girl that i have to

on my tippy toes to make out with

and then she goes

thousand dollars if you wanna play

and i was like oh you’re

i thought you were a real girl

and that’s her yeah

it was going

right when i said i’m like oh that

sounded bad but

and then she goes no

honey no no

she goes all

right that’s cool well and i’m like oh i’m so

sorry i’m so

sorry i thought you’re just you know a real girl

and then she goes no problem

and then she goes he

there’s one

for the road or something like that and then she just

starts making out with me

again and i’m

thinking like do i pay her five

bucks for that and then i’m also

thinking i’m also

thinking like

a thousand dollar hooker that’s like top

grade hooker that’s not like a normal

mandalay bay hooker

right that’s like a

that’s a charlie sheen hooker it

could have easily been her

first time being a hooker and she’s just a

crazy bitch

right i mean she just

could be crazy she’s so fucking hot though i

think she was just a high

class one that happened to be

just got done blowing jay z and then

and you know what’s

crazy is her her

mouth tastes like red bull and

socks and i remember

thinking that

like like wow did she just

drink her red bull and chew on a foot

they’re blowing something

and then after that happened i called joe

and i can’t believe this happened

and then i’m

thinking like

do i like run down the hall and tell her like hey

after you work if you want to just

spoon later or something i’m

thinking like all these gay

thoughts because i

wouldn’t have to do anything because i don’t have the

money but if you want to hang out hey i’m cool

oh that’s hilarious and what’s

crazy is this girl that i’m dating here and there like

when i came back i’m like

making out with her and she goes she goes alright

so you didn’t kiss anyone but that hooker this weekend

right i’m like

that’s worse

like i could kiss five

miscellaneous girls but i kiss one hooker

that’s fuck your cat you okay with that because of the

story’s funny

dude don’t complain

just accept the gift the universe is

giving her enough

don’t complain

vegas was fucking awesome

thank you to

everybody who came out the show was sold out we

did that awesome

giant theater

the mandalay big theater that’s the biggest

place i’ve ever done in

vegas it was like 1700

seats it was awesome yeah that was good

how did it feel to be on

stage because it seemed like

that’s hard to grab a

whole theater

i mean this was like

where you see that play cats

this is not just a theater

this is a huge theater well it was the lion kings we

were lion kings lion

king that’s not cat

they’re all

the same thing

thank you cats

the lion king

is actually


cats is done everybody realize that cats is a scam

about five years ago

the fuck are we watching

did girl take me to see cats once

when i was like fucking nineteen i was dating this girl

she took me

i was nineteen i was

a wild monkey all

right i was a

savage i couldn’t sit down and

watch something

stupid like cats i sitting

and i was sitting there and it was an hour and

a half and then it stops and you get an intermission

and i’m like get your shit there’s no way we’re

just get your shit and we’re gonna go

right we’re not

gonna watch

these fucking people

parade around in a cat outfit this is it

terrible show it’s terrible

cats is one of those

things that is just a

mind numbing assault on your attention span by the time

you get done if you take a girl to see cats

by the time you’re done your

self esteem

is so low you can barely

get it up to fucker

because you just been abused by

some terrible


and then you finally go

what the fuck is

wrong with her that she likes this

and why am i with her and what am i doing with my life

these are the type of

people that i’m hanging out with someone who likes cats

like you’re fascinated

by these fucking retards

prancing around in

giant cat suits

first of all they don’t look anything like cats

they look like people with

stupid outfits on

anyway the lion king is nothing like this the lion king

is actually exciting

yeah we were in the lion king theater it’s

mandalay day theater it’s

where they show the lion king

but it was huge it was a fucking

it’s like seventeen hundred seats

giant fucking room

did you feel like you had to change your

style anyway or

no i’ve done a

bunch of big rooms before you know like the

place i do in edmonton

when i do to canada that’s more than 2 000 people

a place i did in calgary that was like 2 000 people or

1 800 people

toronto or somewhere somewhere

around that the next one we’re doing a toronto

tickets are

gonna go on sale soon i know everybody keeps asking me

about toronto

i think they go on sale this friday

but it’s a theater in toronto

and it’s like 2

500 seats so i’ll tell you all

about that shit there’s a

secret link to that i just got

sent i know

if you’re allowed to

tweet that link or if

well no because

it’s not they’re not up yet

right what’s the name of the theater

it would seem like

the different

experience would be doing like

full coliseum

15 000 well

that’s almost impossible to connect with people

but i feel like you can

still connect with people if there’s

you know i think like

you can get a couple thousand people and if

they’re cool everybody can have a good time and you’re

still in the grove

but you know you get to like some i

heard like larry the

cable guy does like football stadiums

he does like 50 000 people that’s insane

wrap your head around that shit son

just wrap your head around that

massey hall

in toronto that’s

where it is and that’ll be on

april the 29th

like i said tickets i

think go on sale on friday

but um you know

fifty thousand people he does like the

the whole fucking football stadium fill with

larry the cable again

cable guy fans

that’s impossible to connect

those people

i mean yeah you hope you do you get the people in the

front and you lock eyes with them and keep

the party rolling

but yeah there’s

not a lot of room for ad libbing and fucking around

you know it’s just

here’s the show bang bang bang

you gotta bust it out

and is is short and tight in

order as possible

you know the best

thing about

small clubs like we’re gonna do

sal’s comedy hole

in la this weekend

brian’s gonna do it to

brian does it all the time

and it’s on melrose

real intimate

place like when it’s filled i

think it only gets like

seventy or eighty people

right there they’re

expanding it yeah

he bought the

place really recently

sal used to have a

place on the brand

right so it

was was a really another

small place

effect like

sound like a hundred or so and what

he did was he bought a new

place and then with the new

place he’s expanding the back area

and then it’s

gonna be like a 300 seater but for

right now it’s like really

small and sal

you know he’s got this like just it’s just a

sweet setup he’s

always does open mics all the time

every day yeah it’s always like

promoting comedy

and trying to get like young

comics to really

get into it and you know and help them out

one of my friends from

south park he’s making a movie

called serial comic

and it’s about a

comic that’s like

mixed with dexter

and he’s never done

stand up comedy and so i was hanging out with him last

night and he’s like you know

cause i’m doing this

movie i think i need to know what it feels like

and so him and the

other guy went on

stage and did

their first

stand up out of the blue like

no material

and they did good for the

first time with no material just

going i told him like just tell a funny

story just tell some stories that’s happened to you you

know and try to do it on stage

they both hit now

they’re addicted to it now they’re

like immediately

like fucking

first hit you do good man

you do good you get that bug

next thing you know shit gets

crazy it’s real

there’s a difference in doing a

large audience but

it’s not a bad difference it’s good for a show

like a special

like doing a special

like i want to do one special at

least where i do it in a comedy club

because the last one i did in a big theater i think

when you do a special though it’s really kind of

gotta be here’s the jokes here’s

the jokes not that much fucking around here’s the jokes

you know it’s like it’s not the same it’s like

a live audience they

appreciate you know more fucking around and

ad libbing and it’s like it’s like a looser more open

thing but in

transmitting it to a dvd it really should be

you know the material kind of has its written

you know so the difference is that if you’re doing

a big theater you just don’t feel like you have as much

slack you know like when you’re

like a little seat a little

hundred seater it’s like a little tight intimate club

you feel like you just there’s no pressure you

know we’re all just fucking around having a good time

whereas it’s like two

thousand people it’s like okay i’m here to do a show

you know get ramped up like joey

like joey came out guns blazing yeah you know that was

crazy joey knew it was a show he destroyed he

slaughtered i mean

people were fucking pissing i fell

down i fell down

laughing yeah

i said that you know

i told him after the show i told a

bunch of people i

think that’s the funniest i’ve ever seen anybody do

i don’t think i’ve ever

seen anybody

kill roasted the occasion

yeah 15 minutes of just destruction

just went out there and hulk

smashed you know

it was pretty badass

but yeah joey knows how to do

those kind of rooms he just goes out there and hits him

with his best shit over and over and over again yeah

but the theater was badass

it’s fucking really big and so we’re

gonna do it again

on july 3rd

i think it is

right third

yeah i think

that’s what it is

yeah it’s whatever the the next there’s

gonna be a weekend and whatever the friday is

july second

so it’s july first

because july

second is the

ufc it’s july fourth weekend

but july fourth is monday so

i’ll be there on the 1st

july 1st you know

which kind of show i don’t know if you guys

have ever seen it but in the big stadiums i talked to a

hypnotist actually and he was saying

the bigger the stadium

it seems like that

would be hard to do like

hypnotize someone with all that pressure but

the bigger the stadium like the easier the people go to

sleep whoa somehow yeah like it’s inverse it’s

like the opposite of yeah

well i think it’s there’s just this

i don’t know i mean

for whatever

reason i don’t know i can’t deeply delve into the

psychology of

it but somehow that type of environment they get

these people on

stage which is

unbelievable to me because i can’t imagine being

hypnotized personally myself

but incredible but they’ll go

right out and then obviously they do all kind of

that kind of

wacky stuff but

those shows are pretty

interesting to me that

they can take somebody in that environment

where they’re already nervous and people are

watching me holy shit

and put them

right the fuck out you know why

because some people are weak

some people are supposed to be

well and then they do

short circuit

some people

are supposed

to be led they

do subtly take the people out

who aren’t falling asleep and they just go away so they

start with 12 and with

you know eight

yeah it’s amazing how they know you know i

used to do shows back in boston with this guy

named frank santos who was the r

rated hypnotist and he had

a killer fucking show

he used to do it at stitches

comedy club and when i

first saw it i was 21 i was totally skeptical

i was like there’s no way this guy’s

gonna hypnotize all

these people

20 minutes into

it you know

absolutely 100

that these people are hypnotized

and the crazy

thing is this guy like mumbles

like franta

allergies talk like this how’s everybody doing

ladies and gentlemen

okay i’m gonna

count to three and about

three you’re

gonna go to

sleep one two

three click

bitches are

asleep and like

what the fuck i barely

understood what this guy said

but meanwhile he’s running around

touching oh your boobies your boobies are so

happy you’re

gonna play with them

right now you’re

gonna play with your boobies and

chicks would just

start playing with their tits

yeah and he

would say you

right now you my friend you

you have a raging erection

whoa you can’t even believe it you can’t believe

erection the guy looks down at his erection and goes

and who’s underneath you

right now madonna

this is like the

1980s when you didn’t

jump away and disgust

and horror you know

those fucking

veiny monster dick arms she’s got like dicks for arms

that’s what they

look like they look like someone’s hard dick madonna

madonna’s arms are like someone’s the

head like they’re delta

or whatever you like

dicks cause they’re all

veiny and fucking

weird and sinewy and shit

look like a raging dick she’s got

raging dick arms

but anyway he

would do this bit

you know madonna’s

underneath you and guys

would not in

their pants

give it to you give it to

and and you’re

gonna come oh and

and the guy

would like lay

there like this and you’d go get the fuck

out of here you realize that guy just nutted in his

pants yeah like

oh 100 dude for sure

dude frank santos is a master

and i know he

still does shows yeah in the east

coast around boston and rhode island

i think he’s

originally from providence rhode island and he did

he used to have

shows he used to book shows too he was one of the

first guys i actually headlined

for he headlined me in the end there’s a little

room that he did in rhode island really really

great guy but he was

the funniest

hypnotist too because he was always like really

dirty ridiculous shit that he

would make these people do

but when it was over

you know he’d

wake him up and snap them out of it man the look on

their face like they didn’t have a fucking clue was to

it was like

eddie bravo

after a night of jack randy’s

it was just just fucking

who where where am i

whose clothes are these

i bet his sex life is awesome

eddie bravos no no the hypnotist

could you just

hypnotize a

chick yeah that’s

funny you said that because there was a guy who was

a hypnotist

comedian at the comedy store

and he was really

gross he was kind of a creepy dude who at one

point in time was like kind of

funny like back in the 80s

but something happened

along the way and he

never really hit and he was always kind of

stuck around and went up to him like cruises and

weird shit but now so now he’s like in his 50s

and not successful and creepy

and really not

funny he would go on

stage and not be funny

but he was always trying to

hypnotize bitches

that was his move

and so one time i was at the comedy

store like one

of the last times i was there and i went to the

cover booth to ask something

and he was in the corner with this

chick and all i

heard was no i’m not

gonna let you

hypnotize me

well that’s the

thing like you

have like apparently

trust is a huge

you can’t just go around


random people they got a

woman he was trying is that getting lost is that he

was just swinging no he was asking you let me

hypnotize you let me

hypnotize you yeah

cause they gotta

they gotta accept it

i wonder if

drowning my dick is a reed

you’re in the lake

there’s only one way to breathe

suck my dick

starts fighting it

i need to take a read from

those missing in action

movies remember

they would always hide from the

viet cong by

grabbing the read and they would go

under and breathe through the read

bitch try breathing

through a fucking

read when your

heart’s beating

150 beats a

second snorkels

jesus christ yeah

god damn it you can’t breathe through a fucking read

i tried breathing for a snorkel

a shitty one that i bought it like some convenience

store it’s terrible yeah not easy

it’s claustrophobic if you added

about another

foot and a half to snorkel be nearly

impossible just because of the heaviness of the air

oh really yeah that’s

what does it it’s the compression of the air even

under a little bit of

water like so i

guess 30 feet is an entire

atmosphere i believe

of pressure like it doubles your

whole atmosphere

so whatever varying degrees of that but that’s what

makes it so hard it’s because you’re sucking you know

heavier air

through that

that’s heavy

well it’s just hard breathing

through first of all it’s

hard through it too

and for the

longest time i used to have to only breathe through my

mouth because my nose was busted up

but i got my nose

fixed they opened it up

and now i could breathe through my nose and my

mouth i’m like oh

sweet oxygen

come to me and so when i’m in the

water with that shitty

scuba thing i was like this is fucking

gross just breathing only out of your

mouth again it’s

annoying you get

a bit claustrophobic

yeah good you get

a little claustrophobic and you also realize like how

you know how you need your nose to fucking breathe with

yeah like i have friends

that have not

had that operation the deviated septum operation

and they’re due to fucked up noses

i’m like bro get that shit

fixed man i’m telling you

and some guys are like well i’m just

gonna break it

again anyway like

fighters and i’m like so what

break it again anyway

trust me get it

fixed fix it

get it fixed now

because you

know you don’t realize how much

more you can

breathe out of your fucking nose when your nose works

you know you got like 30

more cardio that way

and you smell farts way better

i always knew when

brian was smoking this


tell us he quit smoking i’m like

bitch i smell cigarettes

damn you and your new nose

yeah i know it sucks

vegas was fun though we had a good goddamn time

that was the best time we ever had

that was the best audience we ever had in

vegas too for sure

right don’t you

think oh yeah

definitely it was great

but what was even better was ari and joey

diaz at the ufc

yeah that’s

right ari and joey

dropped acid at the ufc

and they kept on like saying they’re

gonna dose me the

whole weekend like you’re either

gonna take it

or i’m gonna dose

you and you’re not gonna know

about it so you chose

which one impression

that i didn’t want to yell it listen cocksucker

well now that we have

these we have

these puff shields

cause people are complaining

about our peas

what are they called pop shield pop

shields or something

fucking professional

folks this is we’ve reached the next

evolution of this fucking

thing i like to hide it behind them

but joey and ari

by the time we went to dinner

right after the

fights they were fucking

blasted just glassy eye

and what’s funny is

a couple of times ago ufcs ago

there was this time when

i think was one of the

first times i ever went to the usc with ari

and ari was like

dropping down on the ground he was being so emotional

about the whole thing

and he’s like oh by the way i

never told you this but that time i was on ecstasy

and i’m like well that makes sense whoa

whoa whoa what

ufc did you take

ecstasy it’s the one where

what’s his name

with the short

guy with the long hair yeah

his mom was sitting on one side on the ground crying

cause they were fighting

and then ari was on the other side on the ground going

like acting really weird

must have been and i thought

diego sanchez i can’t imagine

no click weta

click weta no

yeah but no it wasn’t that

fight cause that fight was at the palms

no no this was in vegas

and i remember it was in

vegas it was in

vegas was it the big arena no it was the small

arena oh so it wasn’t the palms because i can’t imagine

his mom crying

oh so must have been

that one yeah

so his mom’s

freaking out on one side and ari’s freaking out on the

other side and i always thought like wow i

never went to a usc with ari but man he’s really into a

ufc he’s like a 1940s

like he would sit there and be like yes like yes

like i was thinking like wow

you guys didn’t really go to very many at the palms i

might have been

one of the only ones you’ve ever went to there

right no i’ve been to

about five at the palms have you really yeah yeah yeah

oh was it the hard rock i’m confusing one yeah i’ve

never been to

the hard rock okay we used to do them at the hard rock

you know the palms is the best

place to see

it’s my favorite the best

place for the usa

there’s not a bad seat in the house no

it’s awesome and even though like the

first level it’s like perfect height you know

i fucking wish they were all at the palms the only

thing that sucks is that

well it’s awesome for the people that are in

the back that little back area like behind these like

most of the seats are facing one side of the octagon

and then there’s just some bleachers on the

other side of the octagon

which is like the dopest

seats ever which is

where they sit like

rock stars and shit

yeah you know but it’s like you know there’s

it’s only like how many thousands of seats four

four thousand it’s not much

it’s fucking incredible man it’s incredible

super intimate too

they do comedy shows

their cat williams does

comedy shows yeah

but so he was on

ecstasy at this

time yeah that time and so that explains it cause

ever since todd

duffy was in your way

and you wanted him to move and no one

could get him to move yeah

i think that was like

standing up

right in front of

brian seed screaming come on

get off the fence

yeah he’s one of

those guys that just

stood up the

whole fight

like you don’t

stand up the

whole fight if something

crazy happens sure everyone

stands up together kind of

thing even though that’s

annoying he

stood up the

whole fight in

front of me and i’m not

gonna say anything to the guy but that wasn’t the fight

this was one

where we were sitting like in the

front row almost like on

regular chairs okay so

you guys got the

sweet seats yes

sweet seats

but and so then i always thought ever

since then i’m like wow i

never knew ari

loved the ufc that much that’s really

crazy by the way

those seats on the

floor are not as good

right no one

above is the best yeah one

above is the

best and even like this last one we actually had

the second one

front roast but the

second tear

and it was perfect because

we just kind of

looked over

the whole ring

nothing was in the way no cameramen

were in the way

when they hit the ground you

could see the ground

so it was awesome the

floor is like the pimp spot

you know you’re like i’m on the

floor bitch

you know but it’s really not it’s like

it’s a good showy spot

deep in the

floor yeah right

front row floor

the only good

thing about the

floor is looking at jenna

jameson the

whole time no way

you know she brings will you in this

really fancy suit

anybody that does wear a lot

new ufc though

it’s a kick ass event

there’s nothing like it i mean

you think like you watch them on tv

but it’s different when you’re there like it is

just the colosseum

yeah it already texted me in the middle of it

in the middle of it

while he was on

acid he goes how is this not like rome in the colosseum

he texted me

while he was

blasting on acid

right and i thought it was an interesting text

you know i mean but we always

think this and we always say this i said

right word you

know that’s what i said

back to him

but then if i had

known and he was on acid

you should have said well by the way i’m

they want me to tell

they don’t want me to tell you

until i don’t know why but

they were like okay you can tell joe now

and so i probably

were worried

about the last half hour

yeah yeah joey

diaz and aris you fear run acid right now

enjoy your replay

yeah but it was

funny because the

whole time ari is like tears in his eyes

so emotional like

when the graphics

kinda how it

should be a little bit though

when the graphics

came on he was just like oh this is so good

great yeah and

i wouldn’t take it because to me i’ve done acid a

thousand times

but it’s like to me acid is nature

acid is being

with your friends camping acid is sitting on your couch

watching pink

floyd the wall

it’s not in a colosseum

with thousands of

crazy fucking people

mushrooms could be

but all day

i think mushrooms

could actually be better than acid because that’s

more of a transmutable

feeling like i

mean obviously the vikings

would take mushrooms to berserkers before they

would go into war

like you can really maneuver it around

the vikings were really into the amanita muscaria

that was their shit

so that was a

weird mushroom

man berserkers

would get all hopped up on that and were invincible

yeah that’s a

tricky ass mushroom to get

right apparently

i did it once and it was not good didn’t work

it gave me a

weird effect

but then we

mixed it up with

cubensis mushrooms and it was a blast off

yeah like somehow the two of them together just went

womp but the amanita muscaria

by itself very

tricky apparently

it varies not just genetically but geographically and

seasonally so it’s like you got to get the right

strain from the

right part of the

world like i

found some of my property in

colorado when i was up there

and i was like i’m not

gonna take this so probably not even

gonna be worth it

you know you

can acquire you can acquire

them really actually i know what it is it’s pretty

clear really

yeah there’s no

doubt when you’ve seen ambneed and mascara

you know what the fuck it is

big red cap looks like

santa claus

it is santa claus

don’t just go eating any red cat i like that

it’s so tempting when

you see like a mushroom in your backyard like one of

those big poofy ones you just

wanna cook it

it does look delicious right

yes you have a cow pasture back there yeah you better

know your shit son

yeah mushrooms only

good ones grow

out of cow shit

and there’s some that look very

close to psychedelic mushrooms that give you just


liver damage

because some of them they

just fuck you

mushrooms are so weird man

like some of them are

super nutritious and

other ones will just fucking

crush you yeah

don’t do all kinds of

stuff like the reishi mushroom

gives you a lot of good energy

and stuff from it yeah it’s not

psychedelic and

just nutritional

health wise well

chaga the chaga mushrooms really good i

started taking that recently

i can imagine like if i was at

the greatest moment for me was

the rampage

chuck liddell build up

fight wasn’t obviously that good

but that moment in that ring was

fucking unreal

just the energy that was

built up just people

had someone they wanted to win for that

fight what’s the

biggest fight you ever seen

was that it

that was probably the that was probably the biggest i

would say i mean for me i mean i’ve seen i’ve seen some

yeah i’d have to say that was it people cared

about that one i think you’re gonna have to come well

you’re gonna have to come for brock lesnar

junior dos santos yeah that’s gonna be

chaos i saw brock beat

a ufc 100 who is that it was that mir

then yeah it was

mirror there’s a

man saw that

saw that one that was

big that was a good event but the next big one did not

think so magical as the

there’s a few big ones coming up man

you gotta go to that one now

brock and junito santos i don’t know when it’s

scheduled for its gsp next

he’s in toronto

he’s gonna be

fighting in

april against jake

shields that’s a good fucking

fight he wins that he gets anderson

right yeah good luck

what a prize

i would fucking

sweep on a banana peel on the way to the locker room

yeah i said

you i sent you that text the amazing

thing is like

i do i kick front kicks you know and i have a little

target little tag on my bag

and i can sometimes kick the k or whatever like that

in the letters

but the way his accuracy

in a fight where people are moving

and he wrapped all five toes

around vitor’s chin just perfectly

didn’t even sprain a toe doing a friday

never seen anybody get knocked out with a

front day before

after that a couple people sent me some

videos like this one from k1 max

some japanese guy landed a badass

front kick right through the jaw same

thing knocked

the dude out cold the guy fell back like he got shot

his was actually better than the vtor

one cause vtor wasn’t totally out

vtor was moving

still this guy just bam just fell back like

he got shot

front kick right to the jaw

it’s just so

hard to land on people the guy in k one max though he

threw a gang of them to the body

first he threw a

bunch of them to the

body over and over

again and then just shoved one up to

the face and caught the dude perfectly in the jaw and

knocked him

unconscious yeah

yeah i’d never

seen any in all the mma

fights that i called i’ve called over a thousand

fights i’ve

never seen a

front kick to the jaw knockout

usually when someone

front kicks someone in the face

they just knock

their head back yeah it’s kind of a yeah it’s like a

flat yeah the flat of

their foot he’s got some whip in that

in that that was a

front snap kick

that was karate

style push kicks are just kind of move someone back

whipped it up yeah it was

nasty well that’s

cause everybody does like the tie

style you know

which is like

it’s a teep

you know it’s like pushing a

guy off you and they’re really trying to regulate with

roundhouse kicks they’re trying to like get there

you get their distance

and push a guy off you yeah but like some guys will

throw the front ball kick the snap kick

like semi schilt semi shelf

fogs people up with that

thing he dropped

pete williams in the

ufc with it he stopped botter hari with it

that’s how he won the grand prix

he hit botter hard with a

front kick to the liver

he’s a giant too i mean semi shelters

legitimately a giant he’s

seven feet tall

you know so he curls those toes back and

sends that fucking gigantic log your way

that log he calls a foot yeah

yeah man there’s nothing quite like watching

fights there’s

nothing that really just caters to the chimpanzee

instinct more

you know a great game no matter how much you

enjoy it it’s

still just a game

you know the thrills are just not as high you know it

doesn’t matter if it’s hockey or baseball or

oh my goodness the ball you went over the park no

exactly yay i actually

have a whole

blog about that i mean it’s really

sport boiled down to its very roots i mean

we have those aspects and other

sports like you see

wayne wade dunk on somebody and it’s

fully like he dunks on him

and he’s in

his face and it’s like he dominant it’s like he

knocked yeah but then

anthony pettis does that showtime kick

where he kicks off the cage

but kicks ben henderson

the face of the

same foot it’s

still just an approximation of what we’re really

after which is

this primal

conflict in

dominance you know you have all

these balls and all

these rules and all

these things but it’s

still just men

exercising that primal instinct

to dominate

what i’ve always

said is that if you fucking root of it if

you know someone

if you slam dunk a ball on someone

they can always say well yeah well i can kick your ass

but no one gets

their ass kicked and goes yeah well i can

slam dunk a ball on you all

right nobody gives a fuck

doesn’t go the other way

that’s interesting isn’t it

it’s fucking just fucking

human nature and i

think why people are so attracted to it fastest growing

sport in the

world i don’t know if that’s

still an accurate

quote but it was

going around oh for sure

it’s not even a

close second you

wanna talk about the

it’s only been around in this country

in this form

since the 90s 93 was the

first one that had no rules

and then as

far as like sanctioning it’s just a few years

after that we

started getting sanctioned in athletic

commissions but yeah there’s not even a close

second yeah no

it makes perfect

sense because people

miss that aspect of life i mean

everything is so

watered down that

you don’t get to

exercise that

that kind of

physical component of our

psyche that

still those dna

those genes haven’t

changed in the last

100 200 years

where we’re not doing that anymore are go

about 10 000 yeah 10 000

we have the same genetic makeup as people

10 000 years

supposedly that’s

obviously that’s incredibly theoretical

until we go back in time

take a guy from 10 000 years ago and examine him

but from all accounts if he took a

guy from even 100 000 years ago and put him in natural

clothes or rather

normal clothes that we would wear

and put him in a

movie theater

that guy would just sit there you

wouldn’t even be able to distinguish him

until the movie

started playing then he

starts shit his fucking

pants demons

demons he’s

smearing shit over himself to make him less

attractive to the

monster in the screen

curling in the corner

knock knock fuck

yeah yeah but you know

that dna is

still in us of course

it’s the same hardware and

basically everybody

used to get a chance to exercise that like they

would go to war

like i was just

you know i was just talking to you

about socrates is a warrior you

think of this philosopher you

think about us

he was a badass just a killer

you know he

was one of the hoplites for the athenian army and

where did you read

about all this with

sakura so i

first learned

about it from stephen

pressfield’s book tides of war and then i did a

ton of research and put it all on my blog but just

a badass like some of the stories are crazy

like he was a

there was a retreat

coming from

a place called delium

and in this retreat

basically the athenians pushed forward and the flank

their flank

got weak on the left and

right side and then the other

general pogondus the

other general they were

fighting against the boetian general

who also invented the


which is pretty sweet

but anyway so

you outflanked them and then the athenians

you know the

flamethrower was around back then yeah

he invented the


later but anyway so

so on the retreat they have like a

three hour run back to delia

and socrates just stayed like

right at the

point like the very back of his men

and just fought

for three hours like

horses coming at him

just cutting

them down keeping people from running up the backs

and slashing at his own

athenian soldiers

i mean it was

still a bloodbath but he was like how

do we really know what happened that

could have been some gay

dude that socrates fucked real good who liked to tell

crazy stories

socrates was a big queen

right they’re all gay back then they

were people

full of shit man i don’t buy that

story you look like socrates might be

running like

a girl screaming

i have to write poetry alone

look at his mug though look at like the actual bust

of it the dude looks like a fuck but we don’t know we

don’t know what he really looks like we know drawings

well they sculpted them

those motherfuckers they

never accurate

lying cunts the

worst we assume

that back then they were honest that’s what’s hilarious

you know we assume i mean people are

completely full of shit today

why would we assume that they’d be honest dude

all this fucking

ronald reagan revisionist

history is driving me

crazy as an

adult who was an

adult during the reagan administration

reagan had something like 200 people

or more that were in his

cabinet and

were employed by him in the

white house connected to him

that wound up getting arrested

getting brought up on charges there’s some

ridiculous number

i mean george carlin had a routine on it

he had a whole routine on it

about find it

find george carlin

reagan’s gang

cause it’s like when you really like

go back and listen to it you like oh yeah that’s right

yeah they were all fucking crooks

they were all

crooks that figured out how to

manipulate the

moral majority and to go with the religious

right and get

religious people and

christians finally organized to vote for the presidency

that shit didn’t

exist before with nixon

and with carter and with ford

there wasn’t like a big

political movement with christians

that became a reality during the reagan administration

the reagan administration

was responsible for so much fucked up shit

so much fucked up shit man that people don’t

i mean even

stuff that people don’t

that don’t agree with

today like in

the conservative movement that support reagan

like negotiating with terrorists and all kinds of

other shit like

there’s a dude who called into the rush limbaugh show

and somebody put up

an article about it on

my website and

it was a really fucking

funny conversation

because this guy was

like really well versed in the history of ronald reagan

and so this guy

starts arguing with

with rush limbaugh

telling him about what

what reagan did

that reagan raised

taxes on social security

that reagan negotiated with terrorists

sending over and over

again arms to iran and exchange for hostages

performed by contrast

jimmy carter didn’t give an inch to the iranians

which is why we

could never get

the hostages

as soon as reagan got into office that

literally right away

the terrorists from iran were released

why is that why is that

because they gave them something they had to give them

something they had to negotiate with terrorists to get

these people back

is it worth it to get the people back yeah

but i guarantee you part of the

agreement was

don’t let them back

until we’re in office it’s not really

about them being free it’s

about it looking good for us

guarantee you male

joe we just live all hate

north did you get the thing

about reagan

it’s 12 minutes long no we’re not

gonna listen

to all of it but just play it a little bit because

george carlin

fucking nailed it and this is back in you know i

think he did this

shit it’s probably like the 90s

early early 90s

like right after reagan had been how i really

haven’t seen this many people in one place

since they took the group

photographs of all the criminals and law

breakers in the ronald reagan administration

yeah charge column was the shit

two hundred and twenty five of them fuck

two twenty five different people

in the ronald reagan administration have either quit

been fired been arrested indicted or convicted

of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code

two hundred and

twenty five of them what do you think the total number

is it brings me so low

how many they

haven’t gotten

busted so long has been investigated by

three separate special prosecutors and there’s

a fourth one waiting for him in washington right now

three separate special

prosecutors have had to look into the activities

of the attorney general

and the attorney general

was the nation’s leading law enforcement officer

you can kill it

right there

see that’s what you got

that’s crazy

what the fuck man

what the fuck and everybody’s

like ronald reagan was an amazing man it’s like

we have this

image of him just like our grandpa that you know was a

drunk and used to beat the fuck out of your

grandma and just kind of forget it when get

older it’s like grandpa was

he’s a good guy

i remember thinking i

loved ronald reagan growing up just because the

eighties kind

of embraced ronald reagan and there was like artwork

and you know just like shows

about ronald reagan and then we’re like wow

ronald reagan likes

jelly beans that’s so cool you know yeah

jimmy carter had peanuts but

it’s like well

doesn’t that

show that ronald reagan’s unhealthy and bad for america

yeah man i don’t know

the whole thing is very interesting it’s very

interesting how we like to look back in the past with

rosy vision

if you wanna get really

baked sometime

and go to the ronald reagan

museum down

the i did that

i did that the other

like a couple

years ago it’s over here like in calabasas

somewhere it is yeah it’s fucking huge

and the whole

thing is just ronald and nancy

like it go in

these little

movie theaters and just plays like

videos with them in it

we have air

force one there you can go and see

like where ronald reagan

like his plane

and like on this desk there’s like

jelly beans it’s so gay

but it’s crazy it’s too much reagan though

after a while you’re just like alright

i’ve had too much reagan i can’t take this anymore

the only thing that i really liked

about reagan when he was in office was when he

started talking

about aliens

one of the things he talked

about with russia

like how much we

would all forget

our differences if we were been attacked by

aliens from another planet

i was like oh shit what does he know yeah yeah yeah and

he didn’t do it in just one

speech he did it in a couple of

speeches the same sort of little hints

well i don’t know

is it little hints or is he just fucking

is it just someone

wrote something cool i mean it’s not like reagan

wrote that shit it’s no more than

you know some

charlie sheen

writes his dialogue for two and a half men

i mean it’s

basically the same job

you know reagan didn’t

write all that

stuff somebody else wrote that

maybe there’s just some cool ass fucking

speech writer

it’s like let’s just

freak these


out some alien talk

you know everybody’s a little

freaked out

about russia how we

gonna bring them down i don’t know man i

mean we’re worried

about the bomb

look you know the bombs not

gonna land i know the bombs not

gonna land but we can’t tell

about how we’re really in cahoots with russia

to keep the world down

so what do you want to do

how about we

bring up how

about we just are

freaking people the fuck out talking about

aliens from another planet

and how much we

would come together i like it

done i like it

did you see the

video of the ufo over jerusalem

it’s fake it didn’t is it fake yeah

who made it i

saw you making

you talking

about the one there’s two camera angles

i didn’t i only saw one yeah

where the ones like

just sits there and then go straight up yeah yeah it’s

completely fake

and what’s crazy is

i showed it to allison and rocks that was

on the podcast

and immediately she saw

it and she goes that’s fake that’s actually a tool in

whatever it was like adobe

premiere or something like that oh that’s hilarious

like 3d something like that she’s like i

could show you how it’s a

bummer when people fake this shit

cause then everybody thinks

every fucking

video is fake and

there is a lot of fakes

so don’t get me

wrong but there’s some

videos that are

legit footage of shit that happened

cause there’s thousands of people who

saw it on the ground like some of that mexico city shit

that’s not fake

i showed joe a video the

other day that i wanted to see what he thought

about it because i thought it was fake

it’s about this

hamster that was just

fighting and no

joe still doesn’t

think it’s fake

i still think

it’s fake and then i was talking to ari

about it and i was like why do i

think that video is fake

and then i realized

did you notice the stomach of it was

pitch black

like it was just like

all black of the stomach tuna

listen to me you’re

thinking too much i

know but i’m

thinking like real

people don’t know what the fuck you’re talking

about there’s a

video online what is it called

angry hamster

hamster fighting or

angry hamster

well anyway the

video is these guys are fucking with this

hamster and the

hamster gets

crazy on them and

tried to bite them

and then eventually like that

eddie murphy

movie no no no

that’s a professor

i think anyway

it’s a fucking

scared little animal that’s biting people

it’s real it’s a hundred percent real

hamster of doom

forget about

that um so um

so tell me what

are your thoughts on on ufo so what shit do you

think that you saw that you

think that was like

well legitimately question i mean i

think some of those

i think in every

major country

particularly i think

actually back even farther

into history there’s been

paintings of ufos and different

things people all the way back to caves and

other different biblical

sightings of

of things appearing over battlefields and

crazy shit like

that and you can take all that history with

some footage that we have now some reports from just

super sober

pilots just dudes that are like look

i don’t really like that i saw this i fucking hate it

i’m not trying to get anything out

of this but this is what happened we chased this thing

it was doing

crazy stuff

no way we could catch it

our machines shut off and we had to return to base like

i saw it you

know whatever

and they’re not trying to gain anything out of it and

those i think

those are really credible

whereas a lot of

these other people who are trying

i am the ufo

seer you know like talk

to me about it

those are fucking quacks

but so many just sober gritty people just talking

about it yeah the very first

explanation or the very

first depiction the flying

saucer depiction

was from a pilot was from

you know a military

pilot who was

watching these

things skip across the sky i forget the dude’s name

but i should probably

give him credit

for it because it’s kind of an interesting thing

to come up with and he said it seemed like saucers

skipping across a lake yeah yeah

i’m not opposed to the idea of there being

some visitors from somewhere else whether it’s from

here that we can’t see you know some a dimension nearby

whether it’s

from another planet i’m not opposed to that

but what i am opposed to is all

these people that have the explanation for it like so

quickly and all

these people that are

looking for

proof of aliens

they’re getting

crazy and like do you ever

watch that ancient

aliens show

no i haven’t but i know what

you’re talking

about you gotta

watch it it’s the most

ridiculous shit ever

like 80 of the

stuff they say

you’re just like what the fuck are you talking about

like why are you coming to this

conclusion it’s like the most unscientific

conclusion ever just

random like

they’ll find some ancient

stone structures that are like

these giant

stones like in peru whether it’s really amazing how

perfectly these

stones are fitted

to the stones

below them and there are hundreds of tons i mean

enormous structures

and they go this

there’s only one

one way this

could have happened

it had to have been

help from another planet and people

just makes me think

i wonder if they had help from another planet

or maybe people

have been around a lot fucking longer than you think

and we know

for sure there’s

been some massive cataclysmic disasters

just during recorded history we know

we know there’s been some big ones in

the near distant past

some mass extinctions

that killed the dinosaurs that fucking changed a

bunch of shit in the climate many many many times over

wouldn’t you just assume that people been around

isn’t that like

the number one

thing you would go to we know people are real

we know people invent some

crazy shit we know disasters happen

maybe people figured out how to make some

crazy shit and the

disaster happened and then they forgot how to make that

crazy shit well a few stragglers made it out

taught a few

things yeah man

i mean these

things that

they have in peru though man it’s fucking fascinating

just really

enormous fucking stones

and they had a discovery recently in

turkey let me find this real

quick because

it predates



like rather

the oldest construction the oldest

like real modern

stone carving but

fucking some insane number like five or

six thousand years

so like what

they thought was like the beginnings the dawns of

civilization back in mesopotamia you

know 6 000 years ago

this predates that by another 6 000

massive fucking

stone structure

tons and tons of

stone moved

what the fuck is this

yeah you know

yeah and then

you know the stories of the atlantean

culture obviously there’s a lot of bs surrounding that

right but what does it mean yeah

there’s a pretty good chance that there was an advanced

civilization that got wiped out

you know by either

earthquake or

meteor or something just took them out

yeah fucking for sure man 11

500 years ago this

thing was built

7 000 years before what they

think was the

great pyramid more than 6 000 years before

stonehenge and they

built this gigantic fucking

thing in turkey

and there’s another

story recently

about this guy from australia

who started

looking all throughout

saudi arabia with google maps

google earth

and you know google earth will

bring you if i can

literally zoom

you in on the surface of the entire middle east this


found like 1700


discoveries and sites

like there’s all this ancient shit while

these guys are it was

one guy was up

i thought i thought it was just the this the

whole gang of people

found that that’s the

total number oh

really yeah it’s not one guy person no no

no it’s just it’s the it’s the

total number of people sense

google maps

okay well i

might have misread it but the one guy

who did do it had a friend in

saudi arabia

who the story is

based on he’s an

australian guy but he had a friend in

saudi arabia

so he would give the guy the coordinates

and then the guy

would go there and take

photos of the actual area

and then they

would send it to

experts and

they’d be like yeah that’s some fucking shit

right there that’s

crazy that’s

crazy that’s

crazy meanwhile

these assholes are

throwing rocks at each

other screaming

about my rules

not my rules

yeah they’re

fighting over nonsense over

there when they’re in the middle of this incredible


treasure trove people 12 000 years ago

would pimp slap you for being an

idiot and they’re in the same

place that’s pretty

are you telling there that you’re not

going the right way

not the right way

need to change directions yeah what’s

gonna happen with

egypt now with

egypt i heard the

museums got looted

really yeah cairo is just fucking

chaos man i

mean they have some

incredible archaeological


that they have stored there i mean who knows what’s

still there what they’ve been able to protect but

apparently it’s so bad that

no one can even get

an audit of what’s happened and what hasn’t happened

we’re watching

a dictatorship fall before our eyes

and here’s the

thing to consider and this is the

thing that no one’s

gonna tell you

when you’re

watching all this go down

and you know the united

states is like you know

we need you know

mubarak should step down immediately and

who’s behind this

did you guys do this

like i see that you know like i see

obama on tv talking about it and i see

and i’m like who

when i was younger i would say well

here’s a group of people that are raising up against

their tyrant leader

this guy is obviously a

dictator and he needs to be removed

but he’s been our

ally in that area for a long ass time okay

why is it that all of a sudden people are rising

against him why is it

who’s organizing all this he’s the cia involved

there wasn’t

there a recent election or something wasn’t there

like that sure

i mean that’s been

a bunch of them in the past

it’s hard to get people to move

like this it’s hard to get people to really rise up

i mean for sure they are pissed off

for sure they have had enough of this fucking douchebag

you know wanting to run

things in their fucking

crazy country

but what people are really afraid of is that sharia law

you know that 64

of egyptians want to be governed by sharia law

they want to be governed by

islamic law

so it’s like man

having this guy out is not good it’s like

it is good for the

egyptian people because they get

their own choice but

but the egyptian

people even though some of them are progressive

and many of them

in iran and iran

a big percentage

of the people don’t want anything to do with the way

iran is being perceived by the western

world they don’t

wanna have anything to do with religious

fundamentalism or the craziness that has

always been associated with iran they’re

young people

they listen to fucking

music and they like art and they

wanna get the fuck out of this terrible situation

but they’re

stuck and i

think there’s a lot of those

types of people in egypt too

it’s just like america man

even if there’s 50

of the people that

believe that

we need science

and stem cell research is good there’s another 50

to believe they saw fucking the

devil and their

cheerios and they want to fucking

shoot it with a gun

you know we

got a real problem like that i

think the only way to

you know been

asked this question before and i

think the best solution i have is just

you gotta set up like

drop internet over to em

you know like if people get knowledge and like

see outside of

their box that’s the only

thing that’s

gonna change their mind

right you know like put in

like paid for

broadband stations in like

closed off areas so people can go in there log in and

check some shit out

well it’s interesting

how you said that because that was the first

thing that they did

in egypt when they wanted

to stop the resistance they shut off the internet

that’s what

egypt did they shut off the internet

is this still off by the way i don’t know

i don’t know how much

of it was off i don’t know if they were able to jury

rig it and get it back on i don’t even know what it is

to be honest

with you they

start talking to me

about the internet

gumball i don’t even

understand what the tubes

and pipes and how do you shut it off is there a main

switch somewhere

did you blow some shit up did you cut the cord

did we run a

cord through the bottom of the

ocean all the

way to america how the fuck does it get over here

how does it get over here is there a

cord that goes from

under europe

under the water

is that real i

think there is that’s

ridiculous how

retro yeah i

think there is so

i think there’s

a okay well how the fuck do they connect with each

other there’s telephone lines

how do they connect with each

other how does

we don’t know

i’m pretty sure i would get

bounced by satellites

what but not in the 70s there’s no

satellites i don’t

think there’s satellites

there’s no internet i

think i think

no i’m saying but the internet

goes through telephone lines and like that kind of

wiring right you used to be able to call england

from the 70s how the fuck

could you do that

back in the

seventies you

could call england

the ocean so fucking deep so what i do put it on

my floaters

yeah what is do

ships run into it and cut the

cord you gonna

redo it just

whales just hit it like

hey i might be talking

about my ass so

maybe i’m just

thinking of that episode of loss

might be talking

about your ass but you

might not be

but i mean how the fuck

could we call england

well you know what let’s let’s get

a cowboys let’s get a

direct answer from twitter

you know i’m

gonna i’m gonna ask the

folks on twitter please tell me

how the fuck

were you able to make

phone calls to europe

back in the 70s how the fuck was there a chord

that went all the way through the goddamn

ocean all the way to germany and shit i feel

like i remember seeing

a documentary how they did it or something like that

and i could be just farting around please twitter

answer answer me i saw twitter’s like the

magic eight ball yeah

it’s all irreversible

by the way the same guy that did intercoid

bingo charge 5 photo says

there is a large

fiber optic line in the

ocean okay here’s the question though

what the fuck man

what happened back when there was no

fiber optics right

what did they do

back in the 70s what did they do in the 50s how do they

i mean the ocean

is so deep like it can’t be on the bottom

there’s so much fucking

table that would

happen you know

what it’s probably so

there’s like chasms and abysses that run

through there

right do you

think there’s a line and like dudes are on like fucking

submarines and they see it coming like shit we’re

gonna hit the phone line

you get closed line together you dick

heads you killed the

phones in new york man

this guy says there’s

cables there’s a


cable wow there was

even back then there’s a


cable and the dude

tobang just sent me a wiki link fuck yeah man holy shit

there’s a goddamn

cable that’s laid across the

floor of the atlantic ocean

it crossed the telegraphic field

whoa that’s pretty dope

so this is fascinating shit man

so what what the fuck is it with cell

phones then

is that is a

piggyback on

those lines and

satellites i’m putting in my

satellite for cell

phones yeah how’s that work yeah i

think cell phones uses

satellites now it does yeah so if you connect from

from one australia

to the other

day i’m pretty sure uses satellites

does that make sense

yeah that’s what my god i said that last time and i

what say you twitter

what say you twitter please answer us

it’s like magic

eight ball bro this is the most of me

there’s never been a time in life

where you could ask people questions like this

and it’s not even on

radio shows you can pick callers

no you get the text answers shit

this guy saying

they sent letters by boat

that’s a girl that’s a

stupid answer

shut your mouth you didn’t

think that shit through it all

they sent letters by boat we’re not talking

about the fifteen hundreds hooker

on boat okay

monkey todd says it was

wire it was copper wire

originally but what

about what they’re doing

right now i mean how the fuck is it work

right now when you’re sending

you know when you’re sending a cell phone

message or calling someone how’s that work

as of 2004 there’s been

underwater cables huh

yeah cell phones use

radio signals

yes on earth

but radio doesn’t go across the ocean cunt

you don’t even

know what the fuck you’re saying god damn it

unless it taps into the same lines that

yeah i would imagine

i don’t know

it has to use

satellites nowadays

but why there’s a

delay in the

satellites it’s got to go way the fuck up

the sky now because then if that was true there’d be no

satellite gaming

you know cell

phones use regular

phone lines

apparently this guy saying

these are the

piggybacks somehow on regular

phone lines

you know what’s kind of fucked up

it’s just like we were talking about

when your website gets a lot of hits

and it correct by the way warrior poet is

crushed son

bummer that shit ain’t coming back

your fucking server just took a deep six

i wonder if your business website’s crushed

but it’s the same way with

with cell phone signals if

there’s an earthquake or some shit everybody

tries to use

their phone good luck

good luck you won’t be able to use it

cause everybody can’t use the

phone at one stadium

yeah it’s like they’re

under stocked like they’re selling you cell

phone service

and they’re selling it to

everybody but the only way it works is that everybody

doesn’t use it at the same time

cause if everybody uses it at the same time

nobody gets to use it it just shits out and just shits

out and just fucking farts and dies

that’s annoying man that is

annoying that’s

annoying it’s like we’re too far

ahead of ourselves

you know when it comes to technology

we’re too far out there

we’re fucking

look this graph on your message

board of all the underwater

cables have you see did you see that whoa

that’s dope that’s

a lot and that’s that’s

my goddamn message board

still private

we have to fix that shit

it was getting

crushed so much it’s

still private enough to

i had to make it

where you only a member

could look on it so you have to sign up for

it here’s a

video here that says there’s been

150 years of trans


cable wow hundred and

fifty hundred

fifty years that’s insane

how the fuck did they do that they go up higher through

like they’re

float on algae

northern part of cannon and then over through

an area or if they’re just straight looks like it comes

right out of new york is what

it looks like

that’s incredible it is

it’s incredible that’s

150 years of

monster cables

to how long did it take to make

those fucking cables

jesus christ

how long is it to get to if you

take a boat from new york to england how long is that

how many miles

thousands of

miles like fifteen hundred

miles so it’s one

cable that’s thousands of miles long

what the fuck you

carry that thing

on fifteen hundred no yeah it’s like

three thousand

yeah six hours

or thousands

planes go what five hundred

miles an hour

you know so what the fuck do you

carry that with what do you

carry that cable with you know

just had to be boats getting supplies and

metal and then just try i just don’t

understand how they

avoided the chasms in the

water like oh shit

like here’s you know when you’re

you know fishing in the

thing just keeps

going down hit a deep part of lake

or deep parts of the

ocean or like

ten thousand feet yeah

you know abyss type

stuff and why

why haven’t terrace

try to attack that cable

you know that

oh shut the fuck up

brian brian

you brainstorm informed listen

these dumb cunts are living in

fucking rock

houses in the middle of the mountains

banging goats and shit

do you think they could

think this through

we’re gonna

go in the ocean and cut the

cable we are

going to kill farmville

we got it we

gotta get them online

that’s the bottom we

gotta get everybody well

you know what you

gotta do here’s the deal it’s not just get

them online they have to be around cool people they’re

around douchebags everyone around them is a douchebag

i mean especially

in the middle east the middle east is just

chaos middle east are the townies of the world

that’s the cradle of

civilization that’s

where it all started

and that’s why

they’re so behind the times i mean

the reason they’re behind the times and the reason why

america is supposedly

the most progressive or the most advanced at

least culturally

of all the other

countries the reason is because we’re the last one

we’re the one

where everybody fled to

and the first one

which is you know the middle east mesopotamia

where iraq is that’s the

worst that’s

where it’s the most fucked up

that’s sharia law that’s

muslims versus

muslims that’s you know

chaos that’s

all those fucking dudes wearing

robes circling around you know the hajj

at the mosque and

in saudi arabia or whatever it is the mecca i mean

that’s all the same shit that’s all just that’s

stuff that’s been around too long you know

you know i was saying when we

watched that

there was a tv show when i was in germany

and it’s a 24 hour

mecca station

and it just 24

hours that’s all it shows is people circling

the box in mecca

circling that big square

building it’s

crazy it’s fucking but i was like if that shit happened

today okay if this is a new cult

some new scientology type

thing and everybody’s wearing

robes and their circle in that box we’d be like whoa

we gotta stop

these motherfuckers that is

scary if that way

could you imagine

if that was in america let’s say that was in kansas

and there was you saw

brian gumble

disturbing footage

today out of

kansas we’re

gonna go live here

now granted

ladies and gentlemen let’s be

aware of this

this dangerous cult has only been around for five years

but look how much they’ve organized in

these five years

and then they showed people circling around

those boxes

dude there’d be

helicopters flying towards that area

right now tanks

would be moving down the highway well

check this out what if we what if we created a cult

that would drink the

blood of their hero

every week figuratively

if it was megan fox

well but that’s what’s happening

you go to catholic mass it’s like here’s the

blood here’s the

flesh drink the

blood eat the flesh

i mean that’s you look at that that’s pagan

that is pagan

stop deep right there but all but it because it’s

oh it’s christianity it’s catholic like

we have a weird

thing that we just get used to shit yeah no matter how

wacky it is

you know it’s like

these these

broads in africa with these

plates in their lips

you know yeah

africa’s another

place where they need some

information like

especially in the maasai

cultures and

stuff where they’re getting their

clits cut off with

sharp stones

directed me out there

like they need to by the way they do a lot of they need

to see like hannah montana

yeah they are

twitter addresses

just fucking

bouncing around singing oh

whatever the some have

been lot of needs to

check in at four square at the

applebee so we can fuck

them up you know they they all need that shit

well they already fucked him up man

do you think that guy’s alive

i have no idea if he’s even real

he’s probably in a fucking london hotel somewhere

with a gang of boys sucking his dick

he probably just said listen we’re not gonna kill you

we’re gonna keep you alive

you keep making tape

every couple years i need you

i need you to come out with some new

scary shit so we can you

know take away more civil liberties do you

think the last time that there was real evil and in a

in a war that we fought was world war two

do you do you

yeah well i know i think there’s real evil and

islamic fundamentalism and islamic terrorism i

think there’s definitely real evil i think

the problem is unfortunately a lot of that real evil

has been caused by our manipulation right our being

in religious holy grounds

and desecrating those grounds our involvement with

and support of dictators in the islamic world

and you know some people say like guys like haas

mubarak like we need that guy around to keep the

you know the islamic fundamentalists from gaining power

like at least he’s more moderate and even though he’s a

dictator it’s the better of two evils

yeah i don’t

know man i’m not well versed enough to be realistically

you know to be honest

about it you

know i mean if you really step back and said you really

understand how

things work in the middle east no

fuck no i don’t that’s another world

it’s another

world man i remember

going to abu dhabi and it becomes very aware

you know when we did a

ufc in abu dhabi

like yo this is another

world you know

don’t get stupid

don’t get mouthy at the airport

you know they’ll put you in a box son

you know you better be polite

and you better realize that your laws are you know

these laws rather very different than your

so out of balance i think

part of it is

these patriarchal paternalistic religions

they just shift

everything way out of balance

like there used

to be the balance of the sacred

feminine and the

masculine but

these desert religions are just shit on the feminine

and it’s all about

men you know control the

women bind the

women hide the

women do you

think that’s because they don’t have much

like water and

resources and natural yeah i mean then all of a

sudden they’ve got this

new resource over the last couple hundred years oil

you know that’s really kind of a

i mean how long has it

even been has it even been a couple hundred years that

we’ve been getting oil from the middle east

but whatever it’s been

you look at

photos of dubai from 1970 as opposed to today

back then there was like nothing

going on there now it’s

fucking immense

yeah sure why

consumption has risen so dramatically yeah

so it’s like

they were always in

this terrible situation there were very few resources

you know natural resources at

least certain you

know not much water

you know kind of a fucked up area

and now all of a

sudden it’s just

bounty county

money and mercedes and

everywhere you

look is ferraris and mercedes and ferrari

dude we were in abu dhabi

bugattis you

never seen you

never seen so many fucking bentleys and

and rolls royces yeah

oh there’s some

some big pimping

going on up in this desert

there’s an article recently

where they were talking

about how they’ve

they’re admitting that they’re making it rain

in abu dhabi that they made it rain

52 times this year

throwing money in the air oh

what if that what what you actually read

you know what i mean like no they just make

it rain on the

photos they

photos of these guys in their traditional garb

outside with umbrellas you know

standing in front of a bentley by the way one of the

photos it’s hilarious

dudes in front of a bentley with fucking his crazy arab

outfit on holding an umbrella up

i almost bought you one of

those outfits by the way they

gave me one when i was there i just never

had to move my luggage

to bring it back with me unfortunately

yeah i’d pack

just to the

point where i just got it just enough to get through

you know i don’t have no room

to be bringing shit back with me

that’s my latest

thing i don’t check bags i just

bring a carry on

i try to even when it’s like a

three or four day trip i just try to get as little

clothes in there as possible

and i’m like look everywhere you can buy underwear

everywhere you can buy

socks right

how do i cut this down to the minimum why not why

cause when you’re waiting in line at the fuckin

the baggage

thing and wondering if your shit’s ever

gonna come out and like nah that’s my favorite

shirt and fuck now i can’t get it

now i gotta go buy

toothpaste it’s not the baggage fee sorry

you got me you got me i’m traveling across the

world trying to save 10 bucks

fucking baggy

anything else before we get out of here

flashlight pretty much over right

what time is it 5 17

we’re two hours in

we’re at two hours in like 15 minutes

well thank you everybody for

tuning in and thank you very much for

the questions

that were answered on twitter

satellites are used to

transfer data overseas and the internet is back on in

egypt so says

satellite mr

monkey man 81818

why is there so many

monkey people on my

is that a coincidence

oh if you were looking for higher primate

shirts higher

primate com my

clothing line

we got we sold out

like way quicker than i thought we’re

going to and that’s why unfortunately a lot of the the

designs have not been in stock

but we’re restocking them and i got a

bunch of new dope ones they’re fucking killer

i got to show you some new ones that we got crazy shit

this weekend

we’re gonna be a

south comedy hole

in la next weekend the brea

improv that’s i believe that’s friday

saturday and

sunday yeah i

think it’s friday saturday

sunday two shows friday two shows saturday one show

sunday is that what it is

believe so i’ll tell you

right now yes you are correct

and is right before washington’s birthday which is

monday we should we

should all celebrate together yeah

the last he was a badass

great president

with his wooden teeth

growing weed and banging slaves

he was about yeah

slaves didn’t he yeah

crazy world we live in

folks probably

huh probably had kids with you think

so they all did didn’t they y’all shot loads

did you think

wives get pissed off see

these mocha

babies wandering around their yard

motherfucker different

f you married to george

washington martha was like my fucking husband really

just kept her fucking

mouth shut you

think he was banging betsy ross

i bet he fucked betsy ross to that’s what you

got that flag gig

you know come on man who the fuck bets you up

where’s mr ross you don’t even hear shit

about mr ross right

because george washington is laying that fucking dick

so that’s next weekend

is brea improv

tickets will sell out i hope so get on

that’s it flashlight com

if you go to joe rogan net and

click on the link and put in the word rogan you get 15

off and we’ll be back on thursday at 3 00 with jean

leshua is that how you say his name is

you know i don’t know from the league

and he’s from all those hilarious internet cool

white kid or plus

white kid or something like that and

average ordinary guy

and that’s what i’m so high he’s got a bunch of

weed ones anyway very cool guy very

funny guy and he’ll be on

thursday thank you very much to chris yes

thanks marcus if you go to chris’s website

when when the podcast is over don’t

worry it’s fucking dead dude i tried to refresh again

we will be resurrect

shit what’s your business website again on it com and

oh what’s up i got on socrates

would kick your ass and we saw she

would paint a nude of your

girlfriend that’s a new blog you just my

latest blog nice socrates was

probably the most

underrated philosopher i think in

in that time period

really you just look at his

work he’s underrated though fuck as a philosopher

really as a warrior he’s he’s

you know louded

like everybody

knows he was badass i mean he carved an ore

and a card to

staff out of an ore and beat the

demon of the

western provinces like people know that but

i don’t think he’s any

you know you have

out of an or what’s an or

like a like a row like a

oh an or to robo

so he carved a

stand here that’s one of

more beat the shit

out somebody

was yeah he was

going to fight the

demon in the western provinces

that memory

some dude but yeah

he had a reputation some killer

basically you know out there he was a

guy was a samurai

is that what you say yeah that’s the samurais

would fight each

other right

but socrates you’re talking

about no no i was talking

about musashi

okay you i think

you said socrates did i yeah

we baffled the fuck out

confused i was because i was like

just the opposite

everybody knew that musashi was a warrior

for sure that’s what i think

socrates was a warrior too

yeah i definitely

think that musashi was one of the most

underrated philosophers that’s

where this whole

tattoo came from man this is

musashi and it’s

based on that one quote that

stuck with me my

whole life that i read when i was i

think like 17

that once you

understand the way

broadly you see it in all

things yeah

exactly and i

think one of the most done and also he’s a

great artist too i

mean you know

people don’t know

about that they just know that he kicked ass

well what people don’t

understand is that that was the samurai

way is that you were to be balanced and it wasn’t

you weren’t just a thug

out there killing people but to be a

great samurai to be so well versed that you

could kill men in one on one hand to hand combat

which he did

over 64 times killed people in duels

that he had to be

completely balanced

he believed that you had to be

great at calligraphy you had to be

great at art you had to be

great at poetry

you had to have this incredible the

same principles that made him

great at swordplay

could make you

great at anything

and implied

him and the same

principles that made you

lazy or fucked you up or gave you a shitty character

would cost you your life in battle

which is so true man

and martial artists are

starting to realize that too is that

any negative

energy that you take any thugish douchey bullshit

you have to account

for that in your own assessment of who you are as a

human being

you know and

to be truly zen

you have to really have all your bases

covered to be

truly in the moment and

truly great at anything

you gotta be balanced

in all areas

right that’s the key and

folks out there are too rare

you gotta surround

yourself with positive fucking people okay and

the best way to do this the only way to do this is you

gotta become positive

yourself i know it’s difficult it’s not easy yoga sucks

there’s a lot of

chicks farting in that

class but you

gotta go you

gotta go to yoga

class you gotta read

things you gotta eat healthy

you gotta exercise you

gotta get your mind

right read books

get up early and run even though

you don’t want to alright do chin ups before you eat

breakfast do something get your shit together bitches

and if you get your shit together you will attract

other people who also have

their shit together

that is how i became friends with chris

we have attracted each

other okay that’s how

brian came here from

fucking ohio

right brian yeah

that’s right okay

folks it’s fucking show is over god damn it

i’m trying to give you a pep talk and i put myself to

sleep um this weekend like i said

sal’s comedy hole next weekend brea improv

chris marcus

thank you very much for being here my friend

thanks brother

and warrior poet

us is his website

redband com

redband com

we love you bitches we always will

thanks to everybody that came out in

vegas this weekend we had a

great fucking time i love you see ya bye

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