the joe rogan experience
but snap sounds so good in this echo microphone
right now people going what the fuck did we tune into
to queer snapping their fingers
what is this
ladies and gentlemen welcome to the podcast
welcome to the podcast
before we get started
thank you to flashlight our sponsor
if you go to joebrogan
net and click the link you can
get 15 off you just put the codename brogan in
and it’s a fine instrument for masturbation
we need to get them to send some more
people keep on asking guess yeah we gotta give em away
we gotta get a box but now that chris is gone i
gotta contact the new dude and
this is the only
sponsor that we have for this podcast there’s no
other way to
you know i know
some people like to put up these
donation things and donate
money we don’t have one for this podcast
but brian has one for his
death squad tv yeah and we talked about this yesterday
brian what he’s
basically doing
is making this little sort of a homemade sort of a
studio and you
know becoming like a little network
and the crazy thing is
you know we know so many
funny people we know so many
comics we know
so many hilarious dudes that are really interesting
and they’re not on the radio they
should be on the radio
you know i mean
what radio is now is
regular radio is just fucking songs
dudes don’t
talk at all there’s no personalities it’s like
kevin bean and a few
local stations in austin and a few
other places but
everywhere else
you go it’s just nonsense and then you got
satellite radio but
you know i love
satellite radio but
satellite radio is fucking hurting man
they cut back on serious cut back people’s
budgets by like eighty fucking percent or something
crazy bubba the love
sponge isn’t on anymore
it’s just crazy that we know so many
comics from hanging out that
local comedy clubs that
these guys like
tebe and all
these guys would
never ever have a chance
to ever meet
these people so it’s kind of cool doing
these podcasts
because we get to introduce you to people that we know
that you would probably never know
unless they made it
yeah and they
probably wouldn’t make it
right they probably
wouldn’t make it well love
these really
funny guys are fucking
crazy and lazy
yeah you know they’re
crazy they’re lazy
and they’re like
brian holzman perfect example
he’s a talented guy but you know who the fuck is ever
gonna hear about
him yeah you know
pete johansson the guys coming over
today he’s got like a hundred
twitter twitter followers yeah
so hilarious
hilarious guy
and you know he’s supposed to be here at
three but he thought
it was four so we decided to kick it off without him
but he’s another guy you know
hilarious comic
and what brings you to the
dance as a comic
oftentimes it’s very different
from what you need to
establish a
successful business
as an entity as
jeff foxworthy or
or you know
brian redband you know
if you wanna like
put your name out there you have to
start thinking
marketing yeah
like that’s
where like dane cook was the master
like he figured out how to do that way before anyway i
never put any consideration to any of that shit at all
i always thought we just did your
stuff and then they put you on tv and then it worked
you know you didn’t have to
worry about all that stuff
but then i realized well then you’re at the
mercy of these
other people to put you on tv
whereas the internet like i’m on the internet
every day and for whatever reason i
never thought well fuck i
should like
promote myself on the internet like i
never even thought of it you know
share yourself yeah like
that’s why constantly
updating by twitter and facebook and just
anything is
so important for a
comic and then when you talk to
these comics
and like i don’t have a twitter i don’t have a facebook
or you know
or pete as an example he has two
twitter accounts but
he has one that’s his name and one that’s some
other crazy name
escarus or something like that
and it’s like why aren’t you
using the one with your name
what the fuck is
escarious it’s the
thing i mean guys like
tebe you know
tebe’s hilarious but
tebe has never made a living as a comedian
and he’s been doing comedy for like 17 years
but he’s always had other jobs
you know it’s like what what makes your comic
often times is this
weird for sort of slacker
way of looking at
things you know like ari
ari’s notoriously lazy yeah you know i mean jokes
about it all the time
right wakes up
at four o’clock in the afternoon all the time you know
sleeps on pizza
boxes he’s fucking
crazy yeah that’s how
comics are they’re nuts yeah
but but this twitter
thing man and facebook and this u stream
thing and itunes it’s just
we’re entering into a
whole new different
world i know you know and
i guess donations are a good way to do it
really cause instead of saying you know hey i want
fifty bucks a
month or whatever the fuck you
would ever ask me
never ask for that much but
you know a year
what the hell whatever the hell you
would ask you know
like you can
get this level
membership and you can come in a meet and greet and
that’s 300 like
that always seems so fucking
weird you know yeah it’s sort of like how i feel
about like bittorrence it’s the same thing
i feel like
when i download
something you know if i download something
and i like it i always buy the band
yeah you know whatever the fuck it is yeah and the only
time i’ve ever downloaded something that i didn’t own
was when there was no
other way to get it
right like danward’s a perfect example
i saw that and i saw the cd
cover and like fuck i
wanna own that
exactly that is a
great cd and
i want that
right but as soon as it came out
i ordered it on itunes immediately i put it on
both computers
right you know
i think it’s important to
let people fucking
you know donate
things you know like
for something like this for the podcast i
think there’s
like that’s like a perfect way to do it yeah you know
don’t don’t
charge a certain amount of
money for something like that you know
that’s the future there’s enough
fucking people out there you know you can make enough
money weasel
yeah i like to donate
things so much better like the trent reznor
kind of way of doing it he puts his cds out you
could donate he even has special
limited edition cds that you
could pay for
if you want to but it’s pretty much donation based
that’s badass
that to me seems like such a fucking
even way to do it
because people
literally pay you what they
think it’s worth right
that’s how it should be
right absolutely
so ether on the
first place you know what you’re doing this
weird connection with all
these other people you know how do you how do you
quantify that in you know in x per month and
was it yeah what is it
it’s all weird
it’s easy when you’re getting paid by a tv show
or paid by a
comedy club or a theater or something like that
but with the the
crazy thing
about the podcast is you’re
going directly to people it’s just you and the people
there’s no middleman
there’s someone that’s
gonna handle the
money and put
the ones and zeros and bank accounts somewhere but
other than that it’s just you and
these people
absolutely you know
it’s a trap toad
speaking of you and
these people you hear
about that broad in egypt
uh the one i got
raped porter
fuck dude this is horrific man
especially having daughters
you know i i think
about shit like this in a different way
you know this this
chick was over there and
apparently she got separated from her camera crew and
they beat her and raped her for a half an hour i know
i mean i don’t
know the extent of the beating or the extent of the
sexual assault
whatever it was i mean
it was slight
it would have been horrific and terrifying
but it’s obviously
significant because she’s in the hospital
wasn’t she with like a cameraman in a crew
though i don’t know what happened well i
think it was
total complete
chaos i mean
you gotta think
about the situation in egypt is
they had a dictator
the same guy running
everything for 31 years
i mean this guy just
wouldn’t fucking go
and and they overthrew him with the internet
supposedly maybe
cia to the cia
probably yeah
right i don’t fucking ever
trust that anything that happens in another country
that we just let shit happen
right you know i mean
whenever like like
that valerie
i forgot how the
zero last name plan
plan p the one that
one of the it wasn’t dick
changing maybe donald romsfeld one of those guys
outed her as
an undercover cia
agent because
her husband
had done something that pissed them off testified
against him i don’t know what the circumstances were
but you know they
found out that she was an
undercover cia
agent well how many of them are there well
there might be
fucking there’s tons
tons of them we probably are friends with two of them
well i know one
there is one well i know one’s
one son for sure one
son a buddy of
mine who’s a good friend
his dad’s been the cia his whole life
and he didn’t know his dad was in the cia
till he was in his 30s right
he thought his dad worked
well i wanna say
what his dad did but
think of it this way you get on a
plane there’s at
least two undercover
marshals is on
every flight most big
planes you know like real flights not like here to
vegas you know but like most big flights
there’s like one or two
guys on the plane
and then i’ve
sat do they
carry guns yes
i’ve sat next to him before and they
start you start talking to him and then
they tell you that they are i don’t
think they’re supposed to but
they’ve done it to me and many
people i’ve talked to before have done that but if you
think of it that way that’s like one out of 400 people
and that’s on a
plane how many people in real life do we know
well there’s
definitely big difference between undercover
marshals who are there to protect your safety
and the idea
these undercover cia
agents who are just manipulating shit abroad
i mean how many of
them are working in various industries and they think
i mean that was like a
famous quote from
c one of the former heads of the cia that every
single person of any significance in
the media has been compromised
yeah definitely
like that’s
hilarious you know like whenever you see like
famous actors like at the
white house like shaking hands with people and you know
what is that all
about what are they doing i don’t know
but can you
imagine jimmy fallon having some kind of
secret cia thing
going on yeah
a lot of people
think that i mean that’s fucking some total
alex jones shit
right there
you know that’d be a good question
well i guess they
would never
say yeah but you
could look in
their eyes and see if it
blinks for a
second like
to ask who would
you just like just go up to
jimmy fallon
like hey jimmy fallon hey how’s it
going and then just
lay it on him and look
right in his eyes and just see what like if he
sees that little you see that little like what the it’s
pretty much likely that a comedian
wouldn’t be in the cia
except for dennis miller
dennis miller i
think that guy turned
he turned republican and conservative hard so quick
he became so weird
he’s like a
chill now it’s really
weird he was in a
video there’s a
video and it
was on my twitter i put it up from a few days ago
and it was bill o’reilly
and it was all about the
obama healthcare
thing that he had a guy on his show
and the guy
bill o’reilly was accusing the guy of
lying about fox news
and you know the guy was saying that
they’ve said on fox news that if you
don’t have health insurance they can lock you in jail
so bill o’reilly’s going
you know that is some part you
know this is
ridiculous you didn’t get this here like you have to
admit that you made this up
so then the
video stops and then they show a montage
of fox news reporters saying
that you can go to jail if you don’t have health care
over and over and over
and over i mean it’s embarrassing it’s
ridiculous it’s more that bill o’reilly
bluster shit you know he’s like one of those
he’s one of
those dudes who puffs his
checks out but doesn’t
think that he’s
gonna get knocked the fuck out he’s a
dummy he’s like an ego dummy
know and that’s like why he left that
crazy voicemail on that
broad answer machine when he’s supposed to be this
voice of conservative
reason and he’s trying to fuck this
chick with a loofah
sponge and shit
he’s a creep but
that’s not even the
point the point is
he says this and then they show this
giant fucking montage of
these fox news reporters
and then they show
dennis miller on bill o’reilly’s show
and this is the day
after the guy was on before this
video would come out
and dennis miller’s
going haha how
about that guy that
tried to throw that at
you the other day
you know boy i
haven’t seen a guy with his hat in his hand you know
since he comes up with some ridiculous
reference and nobody including him really
understands
but i’m like my god did you see this video
there’s a fucking ten guy saying it
right like what are you talking
about man you know
i mean they
did it no it’s
he’s a chill
he’s a chill now it’s weird
he became like like
like a republican
like mouthpiece yeah like
he he was saying this one of the
weird things
about dennis miller
he was saying
you know i don’t make jokes
about bush i give him
a pass he’s a friend yeah like what are you saying yeah
like what are you saying i just they take care of me
it’s like when the
planes hit the
towers he’s like i
wanna be your side
he wants to be a familiar with the
vampires he’s like
those dudes that
would hang around with blade
remember and
blade would
smack them into walls and
show like that yeah and they really were trying to hook
their vampire
buddy up and then the vampire
who is stephen dorff
kills them and shows that his allegiance was incorrect
yeah should have been trying to be a
vampire bitch
get a fight
vampires you fuck you know
what i’m trying to say is dennis mill
you’re not blade
right okay you fuck
motherfucker
man my feet are
sweat yeah people always complain
about my slurping i’m
sorry about that
yeah brian’s rocking some crocs
today crocs sexy as fuck
fucking i’ve been at my mom’s coming over
today and have to like
there’s so much come
everywhere in my house
like everywhere
like there’s a
tissue there’s a
condiment you know because you know just crap
everywhere bongs weed just fucking
ridiculous how much
i mean and not to mention the dirt
i mean that’s the biggest part
i mean i just
cleaned out my car and i
found three
things of weed
and i could just imagine my mom like bending down
going what’s this oh
it’s marijuana
do you pretend to be someone different
when your mom’s around well i don’t
i don’t pretend
i act pretty
much exactly the same of course i don’t say
pussy farts buttholes and crap stuff
stuff like that but i’m
still weird and my mom knows i’m weird
she doesn’t know
like see that’s the problem with these
these podcast if my my
i told my mom what i was like yeah i’m doing a podcast
afterwards i’ll pick you up you know at the hotel
and she’s like uh
what’s a podcast
and i’m like oh it’s like a
radio show i do it you know
twice a week with joe and i have like five
other ones and she goes oh that’s
great i you know i i’ve been so
bored lately i can download all
these now oh
no and i’m thinking
i’m thinking fuck my life
my mom is gonna be
going through like oh i listened to spider man today
throwing cum on the walls that’s
gross brian
where did you
learn how to do that your dad
have you ever had
one of those conversations with her like a
sexual conversation
not really no
never i don’t
think so is that
you no i’ve
never really talked
about sex or anything like that to my mom
never you guys don’t talk
about sex at all
no she’s very old fashioned church once a week quilts
uh you know she has a farm
and she gardens
and doesn’t she have like 56 k she likes rhubarb
she has 56 k mode on it so she
should never be able to listen to the podcast no
but she just got
a i taught her how to teeter
so i got her this verizon windows
phone and she now can
tether to her lap
or her computer
and now she can get internet
using verizon’s data network you
tether by tethering
so now she’s actually can download podcasts and crap
like that i’m kind of fucking in
trouble because
i mean it sucks
so yeah so is she
gonna listen
i’m going to have to talk her out of it i
might say that we just talk
about you know
we cuss a lot
i’ll have to say yeah we cuss a lot
and it’s just tell her it’s mostly
about guys and
fucking yeah it’s
about sports and
cussing and
asshole punching and shit like that just said
just give her one example of one of the most extreme
things that joey diaz
has ever said mom we have a lot of
black guests
we talk about black cock
at least 50
of the time
yeah it fucking sucks but so yeah i ran out of the
house wearing crocs
these are my like
cleaning shoes
totally forgot
until i got out
at your house and it’s what
weird do you own them at all
well it’s good for
cleaning like if you’re running
around like taking
trash out like mopping
floors and what what size
shoes do you wear uh tens
i’m wearing the lebanon
try them on oh
dude church right on
i don’t want to try them on
this is the
wrong size and they’re
sweaty like
jelly meanwhile i don’t mind doing jiu jitsu
you know if i actually thought
about what jiu
jitsu was while i was doing it
while someone
sweating on you because it’s like a man’s
chest sweat
right on your face all the time
you know it’s very rare in
light that you get a man’s chest wet
on your face for more than
twenty minutes if you’re not homosexual
and or italian
seems like you
would be like a lot
italian guys always have
shirts off with
the you know and you’re just always around for
twenty minutes holding on your head yeah
wearing wife
peter takes a long time
to get a guy that’s
sweaty brian
it ain’t that easy now when you’re playing
stick ball joe and
the streets
of new york
i played stick ball when i was a kid yeah
i love it so ridiculous
funny east coast
he’s i’m trying to what
did use as like like
you know first base
second base
third of it
did you used to like lasagna
boxes or something we use whatever was around you know
whatever was around you know sometimes you’d use a car
like first base was the corner of this car you had to
touch the bumper
you know and second
it would have sucked if you
lived in our neighborhood
right because
first of all there was like
when i was growing up
and in fact
when i lived in jamaica playing
especially because
i was a poor neighborhood and there was a lot of
crazy kids there
you know and
we would play on the street
all the time like you
would literally go outside your
house and you go into the
street and the
street was the playground
we would play
stick ball in the
street we would play catch we
would do like
crazy hide and seek
things and shit
we played right in the
street all the time
so if your car was parked in the
street your car was in a playground
i mean balls were
bouncing off your car and
louis had to stop games
because cars were coming i mean that was like standard
standard was the kids played in the streets do you
think if you had
video games when you were a kid you
would not be playing stick bog
oh for sure
stickball industry must be hurting with
the marble industry it was also
it was also that you know it’s so it’s
awkward you know when you when you’re fourteen it’s
when i was in fourteen it was
twelve or eleven
it’s easy to hide
you know it’s easy to hide when you’re shy
when things bother you
right you know
these boys out there you don’t know who they are they
might beat you up fuck
this i’m staying inside it’s easy but when you can’t
then you’re
forced to go outside and you’re forced to like
interact with all
these people but if i had
video games back then
and i was nervous at
going and hanging out with
these weird puerto rican
kids and these
you know that’s fucking
irish hooligans there was like
these fucking hooligans in my neighborhood
i went from living in
florida we lived in gainesville in
like a university community because my dad was
going to school
and he transferred over to the
architectural institute of boston
and when he
i forget what it’s called
that might not be the actual name but anyway
he when he transferred over to that we didn’t have any
money and so we
lived in this really
shitty neighborhood it was our fucked up house too
and it was just
a lot of bad kids man just a lot of bad kids
like kids were
drinking already hardcore
at like thirteen
they were getting fucked up they were having sex
like i’ve never been around anybody that was had sex
and they would
they were all fucked
they were all fucking and they were fucking this one
chick that lived up the street
she was 20 and she
would fuck anybody
so these 13 year old kids
would go over and fuck her and it’s like whoa
this girls knew how to
dress too they had like the cut off jean
shorts with too many holes in it you
could just see her butthole and you’re just like dude
so funny that you say that she
always wear cut off jean
shorts with bleach
remember used to bleach your
jeans like i said just pour bleach on my
jeans in my basement and
just sit there overnight and then wash them and they
would just be these big
white spots all over your
jeans how ridiculous is it
gonna be when you look back in time at these
jeans that you’re wearing
right now with
artificial holes in them no i fell off a
motorcycle joe what are you talking about
i stitch it back together yeah you know
times are kind of
tough right now
meanwhile you pay
extra for these
jeans that are fucked up i don’t know if you pay
extra anymore i
think you’re used to but now i
think that’s the normal when you pay
extra now to not have them
fucked up i
think it’s backwards now like
skinny jeans and shit like that
colored jeans
door dash purple coat jordans
are way more expensive than just a jean that has
a hole in it i don’t get it i can’t wear most of the
jeans in the
first place cause i’m
built like a
troll right
so i have to wear
jeans that have wide legs wow
you should try the stretchy
jeans have you seen
they’re like they’re like pajamas
skinny jeans
i wanna get
skinny jeans
sometimes i see a guy
working at a kiosk for verizon he’s got the
skinny jeans on
right with his little reading glasses
and i wish i
could look like that for a day
i can’t with my fat stumpy
troll legs so
i buy lucky
jeans plus i
like it when you unzip it says
lucky you you know
i like that i
think that’s
hilarious yeah
oh thank you joe lucky you
about the friend to get some dick
about the friend to get some dick
if you’re around this weekend
we’re doing the bray
improv brian’s
gonna get up
we’re gonna get him
super baked like we always
do and push him onto the stage
i’m just it’s like running with weights on kid okay
it’s like first day jiu jitsu
class you’re
gonna get tapped out alright this is what’s
going on you’re
gonna have to go up there
you’re gonna have to
learn you’re
gonna have to
learn how to jedi knight this
motherfucker it was
weird how bad my
nerves hit me in uh florida that
the first time i went on
stage remember i said my stomach hurt
i was in pain like somebody
felt like somebody
stabbed me and
twisted it and
ripped my insides for like a good 20 minutes well
when did we
tell you that you were
gonna go up was it
right before you went up yeah
right before
that’s probably what it was
if you had the
whole day to
think about it and
prepare yourself
but when it’s like
ready go then you’re like
oh shit this is too much this is too confusing yeah i
think i’ll be good now i go up so much now it’s it’s
i think that west palm
beach was just so huge that was like 700
800 people that’s
they had 650 i
think they had tv
screens halfway through though and had the
whole ufc thing were like halfway through people were
watching the tv
screens and talking more than they were in the front
there was a lot of times
where i was like yeah i did good but
then you talk to somebody that was sitting in the back
it was all right man
you know like it was
weird because people talked in the back i don’t know
that’s the people on the
front yeah that’s a weird
shape club too it’s not that it’s so big
it’s weird shape it’s a
great club and we had a good time there
but when you get a big
anytime things get too big
it gets real risky
you know that’s why we had to stop doing the
house of blues
when we were doing people
standing up we
would do it and
the show would
turn to chaos
because everybody
that was sitting down it was cool but there was
500 people that were standing
and it’s really hard to corral
that many people once they’re drinking
and once there’s
other people talking and milling around like a bar
but you feel like you’re at a bar
like when you’re at a bar you’re not quiet
like you know and when you’re
watching comedy on a tv even though it’s in
front of you
that’s not cool
that’s i think
i think four
hundreds the max four
or five hundred people
max well we talked
about larry the
cable guy who does like football stadiums that’s just
weird that’s insane
that’s incredible
i mean i need to see that i saw it on josh wolf’s phone
he showed it to me because josh was opening for
him and he goes look at this we did a football stadium
and i looked at him and i’m like that
doesn’t even look real
there’s so many fuck is that work though
i mean i would
think that that’s just your no one’s
you have to all be
quiet a stadium of
people have to be
quiet going
me speaking of
quiet i forgot to shut my refrigerator up
it just seems like if it’s a stadium
and everyone’s not being
quiet it’s just a clusterfuck
of people talking and having fun
and then there’s a guy in the middle talking
how does that work that just does
not seem like it works
they’re just such huge fans of his that they could
never get enough
shows in at a a theater
like you and even a fucking
arena man even like the staples
center i mean think
about what he’s doing
he’s doing like
three full staples
centers a night and
how does seinfeld do that like
let’s deal with like tacos
i mean how does that
work with that many people that just seems like
it just does a shit it
never works as good
the real bottom line
about a big big show
is there’s something that you gain
because there’s
so much energy and there’s so many people
but there’s
something that you lose like there’s a little bit of a
connection that you lose
and that’s like i’ve
never done anything like that the most i’ve ever done
is probably those
kevin and bean shows we did like six or
seven thousand people
yeah that’s pretty
fucking big
those were awesome
but like that’s
about as big as i’ve ever done that’s pretty
crazy in and of itself
you know but when you talk
about fifty
fifty thousand
how the fuck do you
how do you connected
fifty thousand people
seems impossible it seems like you
would have to do it with music and
they were all high as fuck
then i think you
could pull it off or if they
passed out like mouth like
things over
their mouths you
had to take
their mouth off you
don’t want to be too far
from them though that’s the
thing the thing is the distance if you can
figure out a way to get 50 000 people
all on top of you like
maybe you were in like some
sort of a balcony like on tron
no bottom to it and you
enter into this giant
void of people
where there’s like a hundred
star levels
like the star exactly like when
luke skywalker
when he got his hand
chopped off yeah
that kind of shit yeah
that’s the only way
would work yeah you’d have to have people
everywhere they couldn’t just be
just in front of you
right this doesn’t make any
sense does it no no
i just think you
can’t have too many people to show it won’t be the same
thing i like fucking
three hundred people i always say that
three hundred people is the most
you know i like
sal’s we do
sal’s comedy
holds like eighty people
you know yeah
we’re gonna do that
every week folks
not this wednesday
cause we when i want to overstay
welcome not
today yeah tonight
but next week
and it’s almost sold out already
is it really yeah and and if if
once i get the
guest list completely a hundred percent
it’s gonna be probably the biggest
coolest show
i’ve seen yeah we got a
crazy line up
we can’t we can’t even say who’s on the lineup
the people are
weird like that comments
don’t want to like i don’t
want anyone to know that i’m working on new material
just go up there and eat dick
every now and then yeah come on
we gotta try new shit
you know these clubs like little clubs like sal’s
the best for
trying out shit
little like tiny little intimate rooms
you know you really know if it’s
right you know
i like what doug benson though said
the last time sao’s comedy pull
because of the pullaway
that was so
funny yeah he
freaked me out though
cause he said it
right before i was
going on stage
you know when you’re
about to go on
stage and you’re trying to get into your family
line and someone’s just talking to you yeah
south comedy
poles you call it cao’s comedy
pole and i was like whoa
gotta get away from you quickly
you’re gonna
enter into my head
you know when you’re going on
stage now do you have a very specific
thing that you try to say right away
you’ve been
doing it pretty
steady now for what six
months now yeah
i know i pretty much
at sal’s every day i just pretty much
tried new ways
to do bits or all new bits like just practicing like
see if there’s something there like
you know at
least at least
if there’s a reason to go forward
on certain bits
and then sometimes it’s like last
night i just thought of this
whole new way to do all my bits like
a story that goes over all
these little stories like another
layer i guess
to make it sound more natural
so that was a huge step in
my stand up last
night was just doing it
doing my act now different
that makes it more real instead of
going hey i was in this
hotel in vegas last week
which was true
but it also
sounds like i’m doing a bit
so now i have this way that i’m
talking about my mom doing
these podcasts and
stuff like that
and then i start kind of
going into bits
of things i’ve talked
about on the
podcast do you find yourself wanting to make
errors in your personal life so that you have material
do you ever like
think about calling
dating porn stars do you ever like
look at your
phone and think
watch i really
should keep her out of my life but
i need a new five minutes
and just called no
i have never i’ve
never thought
of that as for bits or anything but i
think i’ve thought
of that just to keep life interesting
definitely well as long as you’re
drinking life’s
gonna be interesting
that’s right
fine yeah you’re
gonna fuck up you’re
gonna do some
stupid shit you’re
gonna make some impulsive decisions
as long as you’re drinking
life will be interesting as long as you’re out
every night
yeah you know life’s
gonna be interesting yeah you
have things to talk
about yeah yeah you
never have to
worry you’re
gonna do something
stupid yeah
absolutely you know
especially if you’re single and trying to
prove yourself to girls and you’re
still not sure
even that it’s just being out of the
house and not
watching tv but
drinking when you’re
drinking and you’re trying to make
something happen with a girl i mean come on oh yeah
you know that’s
where it gets the most
ridiculous right
where most of your materials come from right
i want to do another
blackout cast but i want to do it with like a
celebrity girl like i want to get somebody like lindsay
lohan like hey
you want to do this
blackout yeah let lindsay lohan
definitely wants to do that
brian it seems like an awesome idea no that
would be on your fucking you
stream thing that
would be like the best
thing ever i mean if i
could no no that
would be the best
thing ever a tree with
money on it that
would be the best thing ever
the best thing ever
would not be lindsay
lohan you just
haven’t been there
while it’s happened
you know i’m saying i mean it like the last ice
age where fuck if i just live ten thousand years ago
no you just have to live ten
blocks away
if you just knew the
right people you
could have been
partying with lindsay
lohan yeah yeah yeah but i
think just as a podcast how amazing
would that be do it bottle
jagermeister
with lindsay
lohan i don’t
think you’d be that mean you
would listen to it
no i would listen to clips that they put on youtube
if you guys said something stupid
but i wouldn’t i
wouldn’t listen to the whole two
hours of it
didn’t you meet her once
you had it yeah you mean i
drank with her
you drank with her tell me the whole
story what happened
my friend michelle
sure you yeah that’s cool i
say the first name
she was having like
she told us to go to this club
where there was like it was a bondage bar i
think i’ve talked
about this before where
there was like
naked girls
crawling on this net
above you like on the ceiling
and there were
naked girls
serving you
drinks and dancing around but it wasn’t a
strip club it
was just a bar that you were allowed to like a bondage
bar or something i don’t know what it was called
but anyways
we’re going there and we
go to this table and it was
one of the service
table like tequila and
a person making
drinks around it
and i was just hanging out there and
suddenly i just looked to the
right of me and i’m sitting
this was lindsay lohan’s
table and i
was like i guess they knew each other and
and so i’m just
standing there staring at her like
i’m just dazed off like oh my god that’s lindsay lohan
and it was one of those
things where she
started staring at me like
why is this guy staring at me and my eyes were like
glazed over and i didn’t
realize it and then she just did that face like the
what the fuck dude
you know typeface
i’m like oh
hi how’s it going
and i said something like
small talk and then she just like turns around
walks up this door the back
alley door passes out in her car
the next morning on
tmz there was the
famous picture
where she’s passed out and she’s like
like drooling on the side of
inside of her car
that was the
night that i was with her and she was just
drinking so much
tequila that you that i guess
but then the next day i
tweeted something like
this is what happens when you hang out with red band or
something i posted that photo
dude how how
ridiculous i
think i heard the doorbell by the way
really yeah
you wanna go check
yeah go check
pete johansson is supposed to be our guest and
pete’s one of those motherfuckers that
brings his girlfriend everywhere
all right you know he ain’t here yet so i’m
gonna throw him out of the bus
it’s ridiculous man i know you got a
girlfriend you know you can
leave her at home every now and then
yeah there’s my doorbell
some people man they just bring their
chick everywhere she’s really nice but you know
if i was gonna bring my chick i’d say hey can i
bring my chick over to your podcast is that okay
let’s see if she says something
stupid i don’t think she will she’s nice so um
he’s in the middle i met pete johansson at
yuck yucks comedy club in vancouver he’s a very
funny guy and i had
heard that he was a funny guy actually before that
i think doug stanhope knew him
and we went up there and did some sets at yuck yucks
and it was a lot of fucking fun we had a good time
pete johansson’s here ladies and gentlemen
it’s coffee is for closers
yeah bring her in
well she’s got to come in because she can’t wander
the house my wife a freak
mrs rogan’s a pitbull you can’t
have random chicks wandering around the house
hey what’s up sup what’s up
welcome aboard
peter hansen
is a typical comedian i called them at eleven
i called them at one
motherfucker was
still sleeping
what time did you
sleep till two
till two yeah your mic’s not on yet is it on now
sure oh man i
think there
you go there you go
little wind
protector yeah pop
shields baby we’re all
about protecting people’s ears
you woke up at two
yeah fucking
solid solid
stand up comic
right there
bunch of weed last
night and got in
the hot tub and had a little post valentine’s day sex
and then did melatonin tmi
tmi tmi tmi
two people in the room they both fucked what’s up
i don’t need to know
about all these things
hey you’ve created two life forms of joy
celebrated life forms celebrate
celebrate the life forms
so um pete is well
pete and i originally met we need a cup you need coffee
why don’t you talk to brian real quick get your cup
alright man thank you oh alright joe’s get me
so how long you been in la for i’ve been two weeks man
oh it’s cool yeah how about you
eight years
when you get when you guys
going back next tuesday back to
london and then just freaking
traveling for six
months that’s cool
unbelievable
travel so are you on the road all the time
you travel all the time you’re doing a
stand up comedy all the time yeah pretty much how’s it
going like are you doing basically
places or oh yeah that’s awesome
i’m i’m doing really well
everywhere but the us you did
except the us
do you spend a lot of time
doing the clubs in the us or you just don’t have any
any kind of
connection this is my
first this is my
first i got less
connections i just stopped playing the us
about five six years ago i just i don’t know just
i bought you a mad tv cup
this is a part of hollywood history
i presented for you mad tv
i went to i went to network
on mad tv and i faked a
migraine so i didn’t have to do my
final audition
and i just went home
cause i didn’t want to be on the show
dude good call
i have had two friends from mad tv
bobby lovey and
brian callan who’s one of my best friends and i met
him on it yeah and
both of them talked
about the nightmare
i just the lady that was casting it
i don’t want to
say her name or anything but she was a winged man yeah
i’ve met some nutty casting ladies
most of them they wanted to be do you want something to
drink too no i’m good you good
most of them
wanna be uh actors but for whatever reason
it just never
cracks and then they have this weird
power over people
where they just decide whether or not you have a career
well this one wanted to
sleep with me
always yeah
yeah if you
start taking me to
parties before i even got the show and introducing oh
dude you gotta tell
me her name no wait
i’ll tell you off there but i bet it’s the same one
she we got after a
party she comes into the
cabinet i go well i met this girl she goes
it doesn’t matter she sits on my lap
she’s got no panties on what what
color is her hair
blond yes you
motherfucker
yeah how old is she
about late thirties at the time
no no order
early thirties
early thirties
two thousand
and 99 okay
that sounds like the
right girl we’re
gonna have to talk off air yeah yeah
definitely off air but but i knew one was a man eater
i met a couple yeah
so this chick
tries to get you
yeah and she
puts her hand in your lap
oh she sits on my lap and
she’s got no panties on she’s just riding her vagina
up and down like a nice little uh
like i guess
sort of like a bobsled
up the just
snail tracks yeah yeah
thinking that’s the
magic move to
really get me oh well i didn’t know you’re
gonna put your wet vagina on my thigh now i mean
she’s just giving you the
green light i
think for a lot of dude that’s all you have to do
i know but i just met another girl like
just prior to it
right couldn’t
and i had this
moral conundrum and good for you yeah it’s
weird she would have been in your life you
would have been a little
bitch yeah she
got your little
things here and there you
would have had to eat her ass it
would have been terrible
i love eating ass i don’t even care if i know somebody
do you want to be in the room for this
you should see
her ass it’s like a fucking a little heavenly dot
okay what did i say earlier
oh too much
information
it looks like the
skull i used to have
most of this is
gonna be on itunes
so people can’t see what the fuck we’re talking about
we do this part of it is for you
stream now and you
stream is like oh
like not even a
quarter of what it
is not even
close a very
clearly an eighth and it
sabotages our itunes anyway so it’s kind of like well
people like it though
a lot of people like just watching
you know they like doing it at work
you know they
like to tune into it almost like it’s some
weird fucking ghetto tv show
i guess the new
thing is subscribed
subscriptions anyway so
it’s not about views it’s
about subscribe subscribe subscribe
this is a this is the camera
right here yeah this is like
when i get the free chat sort of
thing on the
girl on the bed going
like this yeah
yeah do you
yeah if you explain it to my wife they’ll
start recognizing her and going over to ichat
do you do you ever do those
those video
things i do
i do with my wife
you do with her oh when you guys are on the road yeah
skype pretty
nasty ones but what is up with those
those chicks that like they sit in
their room and then they just
do requests
from guys on the internet is that what they do
yeah it’s like
you rent a room it’s kind of like
doing a private
dance with a stripper but you do it on
video you know give credit cards and you
could tip if
hey like put this in your butthole i’ll give you an
extra 20 it’s kind of like you know
how big of a business
is that it must be huge that’s pretty much what
porn stars are
relying on to live
right really yeah
with piracy
right now i
think people want the intimacy
issue of those
things and that’s
where they make the most of the
money cause
everybody just pirates all the porn right now
right yeah and none of the
studios are making much
money i was just a friend of mine runs
bluebird which
is one of the bigger
porn companies and
the piracy is killing them yeah of
course it was a huge business you’re talking about
their business has been gutted
it’s really kind of
funny because
who decides what business is
worthy of a bailout you know
yeah we talked about that
you know if you think
about that man
who’s been hit
harder than the porn companies yeah the valley
could use some lifting
yeah it’s weird though i mean
why is it okay
if this part of the economy fails in this not
like why is that
same it’s considered
you know it’s considered like
cigarettes it’s considered a advice
yeah really though i mean
it’s a weird call when it gets to like billions
it’s in the billions of dollars
and it’s dissolved and it’s done through piracy
first of all
no one gives a shit
about the piracy
like all those sites you porn euges
from what i
understand the laws of like copywriting clips
it’s not that it’s like really difficult
to copyright sex
all of those
type you porn
triple x tube all
those things
as of two weeks ago joined with the porn companies
really yeah is a huge consortium they’re coming on
board together and it’s a
major announcement the porn industry yeah so
fucking how
do you know
this yeah fuck sucks
why does it suck because that’s not my kind of porn
oh look i want what’s i
porn doing i want the fucking
no i want the fucking
you know hey i just
broke up with my
girlfriend here’s us fucking
videos i don’t want these
fake bitches you
keep butter
i know i got some i got some
freaking massive stuff
so you like the amateur
shit you like
the amateur
really obvious yeah
just two people at a
video camera it’s like watching
a sitcom nowadays
and watching a reality show to me almost
you know i can’t
watch a sitcom anymore
i really fucking
it’s really hard like there’s
things like
kirby enthusiasm that i like because that’s
more realistic
you know then
right then a laugh
track and a
you know set up
punchline yeah
no one talks over anyone ever
doesn’t work
anymore what
about like different countries
sitcom so like
i feel that way
about american but what
about peep show
have you ever seen peep show no no they do kind of work
better for me just because it’s a little bit different
you know i don’t get the cheese and all that as much
what is it a european
show it’s a british show it’s hilarious is it peep
show yeah peep show is really good
a lot of people
were reluctant to try that british comedy out i love it
especially the office is
one of the first ones that i really caught on to
the original office
that’s brilliant
i loved extras
stephen merchant as the
agent and extras
just freaking brilliant
i got your vase for whatever reason was
never really on my
radar i just
never paid attention
until i mean everybody always said the office was
great but i
never watched it
until that fucking
speech at the golden globes
was crushing everybody and then i said all
right well this guy’s fucking hilarious you know i’m
gonna pay attention to him now
my buddy opens
for him on the road on his tour stuart francis
just says he’s a brilliant guy to hang out with
just really vested in
he never was traditionally a
stand up and he’s one of
those guys that fell in love with it
after the fact and huh
you know how like
other people get into this and exploit it
after their fact like the screech
it can i say
these people
sure you know
those shit bags
yeah and they come on and they try to make
their money off of their
former variety
whereas he felt
he’s notarized so he came into stab because
he realized it was a platform that just challenged him
and his actual his
standup he’s really pushing himself to be as good as
stand up as possible and i kind of respect that on some
levels yeah for sure how long has he been doing
stand up then i
think about
three years
oh really so before
he was just a writer and you know did like acting and
stuff mm hmm
yeah there’s a lot of people that don’t do
stand up that
could do stand up i always tell people you know it’s
not just a matter of time just
figuring it out it’s just a rhythm of
frequency you
gotta figure out how to
anybody could do it yeah janet derman
we need to get her on the podcast we need to
yeah we were like hey you need to do comedy because i
think she hasn’t
the point the
crazy porn star
yeah yeah yeah
not her i mean
she’s totally somebody that should
start doing comedy
yeah she’s very smart yeah
yeah i mean you read that from her
tweets yeah she has some smart shit
have you read
wendy kobayashi’s tweets who
kim kobayashi
who’s that the funniest girl
tweets on the internet she’s from japan
she’s this off the dark twisted
it’s very funny
girl worse than bree
olsen’s have you read bree
olsen’s twitter
yeah yeah have you yeah bree
olsen’s twitter is
ridiculous it’s all loads and dicks in her
and i which is so
fuck me or i just
fucked it’s
well kim’s funny though like she’s satir
she’s funny too
she’s funny in that
bang look at that
something oh this is good coffee did you
make this yeah it’s kona coffee bro it’s from hawaii
filtered through raccoons butts
mm hmm this is the
stuff they pull out of meerkats no i’ve had that stuff
i made brian
drink it before i told him when it was yeah
it was pretty good it’s very good very nutty
yeah it’s called copi lua
sorry we haven’t seen that yet well you
haven’t seen the medical weed yet no we
haven’t we’ve
i don’t want to get my name on a list
oh because the it
just depends pussy
it just depends
how high you are on the list i have to explain what
my wife’s canadian
right and we’re gonna get
her american
citizenship when we come back in september
yeah so i don’t want any risk
of anything all
right well one
thing you’re talking
about is something that you’re scared to be on a list
that if you
get caught smoking
outside it’s a 79
ticket like who cares
that’s like
i’m on a list for yeah
but you don’t
because he’s
from another country yeah immigration is different
yeah but it’s a
medicine it doesn’t
matter it’s a
federal it’s illegal
still yeah he’s
right yeah i mean
until we’re
fully taken over by the us
yeah we have to
honor your laws that’s
yeah you’re
never gonna be
taken over because we need a
place to escape
yeah it’s always
gonna keep it separate
that’s okay with an h
i’m firing up the volcano that’s what you hear in the
background look at that yeah
what is those
that’s one we almost bought in amsterdam
we spent our
honeymoon in amsterdam
holla atcha boy yeah i
heard you’re not allowed to buy mushrooms anymore
we were there the last day you
could get mushrooms for
legal we did oh it was awesome
the last day yeah
you know why
cause two french girls fell off of a bridge and drowned
you know come on
insert bill hicks joke
you can still buy truffles
oh yeah you can
still buy the roots of the of the mushroom
you can’t buy them that do anything yeah yeah
they screw up but you have to eat more and it
tastes worse hmm
you eat more and taste worse yeah yeah
yeah he’s
warming ouch
hit it okay this this will be good for the drive home
okay don’t hit it you want to hit it sure
this is just tobacco right
yeah it’s totally tobacco it’s herbs and spices
oh that must be a menthol
i had an email from a guy who said you shouldn’t smoke
the marijuana on the podcast
it’s like athletes i don’t want to see them training
i just want to see them competing in their
sport i’m like what a fucking bizarre analogy
like that makes zero sense
that’s the kind of analogy that you
would get from someone who would tell you not to
smoke pot on a
podcast where you’re obviously baked out of your head
yeah i need to get a volcano you need to get a volcano
if there’s anyone in the volcano company
no they ain’t gonna give you anything free bitch
they’re not watching this
we have the different type of
vaporizer we have the wooden case one
yeah those are good too they did but
they burn out
really quickly do they well you’re a fucking
savage you’re burning out vaporizers
jesus we’re on number three right now really
dude it might be time to call doctor drew
burning out wait i gotta chill out i
gotta go pick up my mom at the hotel oh yeah
brian’s getting baked as fuck
his mom’s gonna come over his house with a
black light and search for loads
he’s gonna see
tron it would
have been way better if i didn’t cough on loads
your entire room would look like tron
with all the black light
reflection just like
streams of races you ever watch
those shows on the wall like a little
stupid it would be
a maze i could probably play a game
you ever watch those exposes
where they go to hotel rooms and scan everything with
black lights i hate that horrific for somebody
that lives in hotels you live in
hotels too like i can’t deal with that like
crazy they showed this
thing about bacteria content of the covers
cause they never washed the
covers in the or the cups have you ever seen the cups
cause they don’t take the cups down to the dishwasher
they fucking sit there and wash
them in the sink and sometimes people are just like
wash it out put it in there
they fucking like took a
sample off the cup and it was like
crazy shit like
feces and like
it was bad yeah i
think was feces
everywhere in line or something
so how many people are
naked just sitting around with their
naked asshole
touching the
couch and touching the office
chair come everywhere i had
friends stay at my
house that did that
hey wait why are you kicking me what do i do
a friend who stayed at your house just
left his fucking
wet butthole
all over the
place my kitchen
counter naked what
his butt on it
i see one of
those guys trying to be
funny you know
those guys who
tries too fucking hard why do you hang out with
naked guys i don’t
we don’t get
along anymore this is a
while obviously
they try too hard
i asked him to
leave and he couldn’t
understand why
it’s a very
weird thing when people don’t
wanna leave
yeah you know
you have someone over your
house you tell them to
leave and they’re like i’m not
going anywhere you like oh fucking what is this
what is this we’re at my
house and i don’t want you here but you
wanna stay you fucking strange asshole
that just says that you have too nice of a place
is that what it says no i
think that’s what it says you
have a shitty anti room that you don’t let people past
where nobody’s comfortable yeah
i think what i’m saying is some people just don’t
wanna be rejected
no that’s true that’s the problem with
women when they
break up with men
right it’s always obsessed like fucking
nutty men you know
that’s gonna be the hardest
thing ever when
chicks break up with guys they just
don’t let it go they keep fucking chasing them down
hmm i don’t know if i’ve had that happen
to you yeah
you mean as a girl
are you a woman
oh i thought you were talking to the
other direction man i’m
sorry yeah well i’ve
never i’ve never
freaked out and chased down a
chick either but
i was talking to a guy the
other day and
he seemed like a real nice guy
and just moved
out here from new york blah blah blah we’re talking
and it just
starts going on man
was living with this girl man
everything was
going great
and then one day
she cooks me dinner
and she tells me uh she
doesn’t think it’s
gonna work out like what the fuck
you fucking cook me dinner for this
you sent me to
and then so then he like
he goes into like this
other fucking
heartache this other
heartbreak and he couldn’t fucking eat and he lost
thirty pounds like he keeps
going in this
heart one heartbreak
after another
know because
i’m sympathetic i’m like wow man that fucking sucks
so he just keeps going
and i’m like damn dude at the
third one the
third one you
might want to get a mirror
you might want to get a
mirror and just record yourself
talking to people and play it back when you’re high
you know like does that seem douchey
do you seem
crazy are you
are you obsessive are you
annoying are you fucking wearing people out
are you an emotional vampire
you know what are you doing are you in energy leech
what the fuck man you can’t have that many terrible
heartbreaking relationships
where girls dump you
well yeah without
taking just
don’t want to dump you dude okay girls
like guys that are nice and they’re fun and they’re
they’re gonna get
their shit together
they also want guys that are confident
too you’re not confident girls run for the hills
yeah and especially if you don’t make them feel like
they’re having fun i mean life is supposed to be
about you get a
bunch of people together you all
enjoy each other’s company
you have fun
if you got someone who’s like creating artificial
drama and you feel better when you’re not with them
just a matter of time for you wise
enough and kicked
out how did the curb
step if you’re not in love with yourself
first oh you do you
should have a fucking
motivational
speeching career
you should do you
should have a cd you
should be late at
night i can see you a
suit and a tie
maybe a wacky tie something with polka
dots but you
you’re so happy and smiling nobody cares
i mean look at my mansion remember that guy the fucking
vietnamese dude with so real estate it’s like
yeah look at my car
look what i have here
i can do that
voice cause my wife’s asian
what was his
name what was that guy’s name you know all the
asians what’s his name
you guys are tight right yeah
you guys all work together to take over the
world what’s
the deal with the little
shark got the money
the guy was on the late
night thing
where he was selling
whatever was on my phone
somebody’s phone
the guy the late
night thing he was selling real estate
yeah yeah he had the two girls with them in
the car and
like a rolls royce or something like that
it’s funny because that’s all
first generation immigration to the us always has that
reflective of the
idea what they
think the us is
versus what it truly is
right you know and that
first reflection view of it is it’s just
lots of flashy wealth
tell me pete johansson as an outsider
as a non american
what is it you’re both
you’re a double agent
remember what we were saying
earlier about cia
i’m a cough
i’m a sleeper canadian
so what is america america is
is actually
sounds corny but america the
thing that separates
americans from everybody else is that sort of
sublime unkillable hope
like they always
say like if you meet american eventually
someday they all believe that one day they’re
gonna be rich
and they vote now in case
for when that’s
gonna happen
canadians don’t
think they’re
gonna be rich ever
wow we’re just
as long as we don’t get
fired at the post office you know
is that why canadians
are friendlier
is that why
they’re friendlier i mean is it good to have
that hope and be cunty because you’re chasing it down
i don’t know what’s better to be
completely honest
with you because
i mean some of the
greatest things in the
world have taken
place because of that ambition
right you know
at the same
point some of the most
compassionate
things in the
world take place because
i think of a
lot of the canadian principles and ideas we’re very
compassionate people yeah it’s a fine fucking
dance isn’t it yeah
it’s like it’s a fine
dance between the two ideas
and that the problem with the american is it that
that go get it and go get them
fucking chase down your
dreams all that
leads to a lot of douchebags well yeah not everybody
i mean not everybody who’s ambitious is douchey
about it well this is the
harry potter
generation too like
everybody expects
these great
things to show up now
and that drive to create
doesn’t exist anymore
like i mean we’re raising our
kids telling them special without telling them that hey
you’re not special you’re all exactly the same but
you can work hard and become special well they’ve also
introduced this new
thing the celebrity lottery
by way of reality shows now
it’s literally
the lottery
because you’re not talking
about anybody with any
talent whatsoever there’s nothing fascinating
about them they don’t have
a great job
they’re just fucking retards
and if you follow
these retards
around you get to know who they are and then all of a
sudden the fucking
story takes
place because
now you know her and you know she
doesn’t like dab and tony used to date her
and fuck i’m
locked into this now and you know how many of
those shows they will fall around
nothing fucking
happens so they have to artificially create tension
by writing it in that’s how shitty
their lives are dude that’s why duncan
trussell didn’t do the comedy
store one when they were doing one of the comedy
store the reason why he
he stepped out of it he didn’t want to do it
they were they’re
gonna like create
things artificial
things we have to
argue this we’re
gonna do you’re
gonna go to
lunch and you’re
gonna go to the
first place
but nobody likes it then you’re
gonna go to
second place
and nobody likes it then you’re
gonna go to
third place you’re
gonna get in a big
argument you’re
gonna settle in the
third place it was like
ridiculous nonsense shit like to create
like you’re
following like how’s this end how’s it end like
just enough to get that
low watt frequency
well you’re half
awake and barely paying attention you’re not even
engaged at all
but you’re following this fucking nonsense
it’s in yeah the the the the cusp of what they consider
entertainment now is just so fucking
what is it though
what why is that
check is it because people are fucking
tired is it
like you get home from work and you’re exhausted
and you’re working all day chasing a
dream and most people are
in debt and they just want some nonsense escape without
too much thinking there’s enough wealth in our western
society that we don’t have to work this hard to survive
we’re sort of being run on a treadmill on purpose
well sort of
is that true though because
the financial
system is so fucking
i mean it’s so complicated
and entangled if you diet
divided up the top
even half of the top wealth in this country
still allowing them to be wealthy but at a half percent
half of what they are you’d have enough to to raise
almost everybody out of poverty in this country
right but you
could never do that then mean what are you
gonna do you
gonna make them give up
their money
is it you gonna you know make them fork over half
their cash because they were more
successful than everybody else and its
success is a
relative term if i
could argue
against pure unadulterated
capitalism there’s the
infrastructure on some
level that is dependent
upon the creation
of the entire society be it the highways the
phone lines
this code of laws that the way we
treat ourselves sure they’re
beneficial of that
thing which is society therefore
right but it
will tell us
to use our system in
order to succeed to a certain degree sure
it’s a certain amount of resources but do you
think that the wealthy man
deserves to pay much more resources than the poor man
or should it be a percentage of what they earn
a percentage of what they earn
it should be
a flat percentage of what they earn across the
board but i
think where they really
should get dinged is at death
i don’t believe in inheritance that’s fascinating
but what if you want
your kids to have it it’s your wish you’re gonna go
steal that guy’s money
no you know i’m saying
i know what you’re saying
you had a son and your son was an awesome guy and he
loved to surf and
you know and you didn’t
want him to have to get a job be like look bro i’m
gonna give you
my million dollars and then you
live a frugal life and you’ll
never have to work
again and then you
could just surf
a little bits fine but i don’t like
not fucking my all my
money i want to give it to my kids a million
bucks no way that just produces a fucking
a monarchy or a royal
class of douchebag
why is that so no why is that true no if you have
money that you want to give to a kid
you love your kid and you want to
leave him your
money you’re saying you shouldn’t be able to get your
money that’s ridiculous
all of it no
i don’t believe that’s
absolutely ridiculous
so you think the government
should come in and regulate
where your money goes
well i’d like to
encourage them to give it away before they die you know
where it’s gonna go it’s
gonna go to government
agencies that’s
where it’s gonna
go it’s gonna get
chopped up the carnegie foundation
foundation or it’s
gonna get tax or
chopped up or perhaps
some of the
great foundations that have
changed the face of the
world and philanthropy
that would be
a different way to go like the rockefeller society
these these
groups have done and created
great systems of art that
would have created without
their money but no
or you can hold
on to both your little hands and then government
prize it out and
builds a highway
yeah but why
would anyone have the
right to say what you can and cannot
leave for your children
well it’s money
it’s it’s your your you
made that money it’s your
money make it
money itself is kind of an illusion of debt
against the whole
okay but you were far more
successful than most and you accumulated a
mass amount of whatever the fuck you want to call money
and it’s your
thing it’s your
remnant of your work
and if you decide that you want to give it to your kid
maybe your kid has an idea
maybe your kid wants to invest
an incredible amount in
clean energy
and fucking
dedicated himself
to that but whatever the fuck he wants to do
if it’s your kid
no why should you have to
why would you have more
government evasion
in your life who’s
gonna run these
foundations i disagree
fucking weirdos man
probably i don’t
like it most of the people in government i don’t
think governments the answer to a lot of
things but i don’t
think that we
should be creating hierarchical
sort of niches in society
reflective of the feudalist
domination that we used to have when we were surfs
and that’s what this concentration of wealth that’s not
divided after
that is created
but that’s ridiculous
cause what if this guy
built it up from scratch
all on his own he wants to give it to his children
because they aided him and get into that position by
giving him a
stable family and giving him love and support
that enabled him to be super
successful if their
kids aided them
in the creation of it then the kids earned
money on the process and they
should have lots of
money from their own endeavors on the same
on the same path like the walmart family
wow dude that’s some
crazy socialism
i don’t know if it’s social it’s
absolutely socialism
sure it’s your
you’re not on the microphone
hold on a second
don’t you people
know how to just plug into the wall like r2d2
what are you saying
i was just saying you would obviously
you would leave your kid enough
to be able to survive and have a great life
the only money that would go to the government or
to the country would be excess wealth
not not by whose judgment is excess wealth
excess wealth to sylvester
stallone is different than excess wealth to brian
but it would be
in the amount that
anything is comfortable
yeah i just i think that
i think that
there should be a recreation of how we
strive after things i don’t think
money is the best answer to
things and i think that we’ve came up with
capitalism i don’t
think socialism is the answer or communism
but i think that we should evolve past currency at some
point we should be trying to do something else
i mean if you could only make a certain amount of
money and then you got like
titles or more rights and certain things like that i
think that would be more appealing on some levels
you know creating the gentleman
class creating
exclusionary areas that people that strive to sort of
you know be more
people would call that social engineering yes
exactly is that good
that’s i don’t know it
depends on whose engineering really i mean the divine
enlightened person
not one how
about all of them
throughout history everyone gets to a position of
power absolute
power without a
doubt corrupts
absolutely it’s
an age old quote for a reason you know
yeah and the
system will fall down and be man
of dicks dicks work for
you when you come from canada because it works there
yeah you know what i mean it
completely works nobody strives to be
super rich because your
quality of life won’t be that much different than being
people strive
everybody in
every group there’s
gonna be both
striving to be
great you don’t
think your quality of life is
better if you’re
rich than if you’re not no in canada it’s
better but it’s not like it
the difference between poor and rich is much
greater here okay like
if you’re the richest guy
in a city like the city i come from it’s 90 000 people
so if you’re the richest guy in that city and you’re
like middle
class or lower
class in that city you have
a general quality of life in that city
about equal if not a
maybe a little
worse because
maybe they have
something cool in their
house i would not
trust social
engineering to too many people you know i don’t i don’t
think many people
would have the
right intentions and once they get into a position of
power it’s up to them to decide
where money goes and which
you know which
agencies get allocated
so i mean i don’t
trust them i don’t
not not by a long
shot i’m with you with not
trust but i see what you’re saying on
paper i see what you’re saying on
paper but i’m saying that
there’s no reason why we shouldn’t be striving to be
better than what we are now
where we wouldn’t
trust people like this
yeah but i don’t
think the way is
the real way is to encourage philanthropy and
love and to encourage it though but not to mandate it
not to get in and
decide by some
group of people just
gank someone’s
resources because they left this dimension
but there’s so many people that
exist right now that i i
that are and
maybe this is probably naive
because i’m sure they’ve
existed all throughout time but they’re just more
in the eye of
the meteor people or whatever
i’ve never seen a
level of greed that i’ve seen now
in this generation
i think it’s natural
i think it’s
natural of course because
it’s from when we’re pack animals we’re
surviving and
fighting for
every little
thing we get our paws on to mate and survive and eat
but at some
point i mean
now that we’re all kind of fat
you know maybe we should
start working on not being so
greedy you know like and that
level of greed shouldn’t be sort of rewarded by this
i don’t know i don’t
think greed should be reward on the
level compassion should be education should be
all these other society is propelled forward by
technology and innovation
and success for each
individual person has moved to money
it used to be
status in society not
for all of them
okay let’s just take an example
of the 1800s in new york let’s say you made your
money through spurious means let’s say you were a loan
shark if you will you’re very wealthy in society you
still couldn’t get a reservation
at most fine
places because you
weren’t a gentleman
we weren’t considered of the
class or the ilk that they
would like to
serve and that
sounds awful in
modern day terms because we’re this
egalitarian evil
society well the
system it defines
people but to a certain degree
there’s something wonderful about
ascertain to a
status in society as well as a wealth in society
you know like respect
respect by how
though isn’t the respect and no that’s family respect
family it’s just
i mean isn’t like with caste
systems isn’t it
where you come from
what kind of a this
would be an earned
gentlemen so you
would create a new cast system
you follow a code of
being being fair and just and
yeah i mean
it’s always good to do that you know there’s
always good to be fair and just and nice to people i
think that’s what we have to encourage instead of
deciding where people’s
money goes and doesn’t go
that’s too much government
man that’s too many people too many people fucking with
money too many people become
greedy too many people
engage in corruption i mean
politicians
have shown themselves over and over and over
again to be embedded with corruption to
the point where it’s legal
i mean corruption
house how’s
funding right
campaign funding
in london you’ll
never solve a problem this country
until campaign
funding is gone i hundred percent agree
not a single
thing can be tackled and that
people have to abandon the idea of a two
party system
too we have to abandon the idea that
these two people are
the only ideas out
there and that they’re diametrically opposed from each
other and they’re battling constantly
they’re ridiculous most of us are hybrids
most of us are a conglomeration of conservative and
liberal thinking and
you know and
they pit ideas
against each
other’s ideas
to keep this
battle back and forth because it goes with our
monkey tribal instincts
to be on a fucking team
yeah that’s a problem so our
whole political
system is a problem i
agree our whole financial
system is a problem but
as long as everyone is playing the
capitalist game
which is what they are
i mean everybody that works is playing this
capitalist game
just because someone’s a bad
motherfucker at it
doesn’t mean you get to take his ball when he dies
you know i mean he gets
to do whatever the fuck he wants with that if we’re all
gonna play this game
i see what you’re saying
though that we shouldn’t play all this game and then if
the society was utopian
and if society was if we really came to some
point of enlightenment
where we really
treated each
other like brothers and sisters
and all kind of worked together and instead of money
figured out some
strain sort of a barter
system or get what you need
because i know you have good character and you
contribute because you’re conscientious
have that like a universal across the
board thing
but that’s not
human beings
that’s the problem you’re talking about
an enlightened
being but that’s not what we are now
we should be
trying to evolve
we should be
but that’s kind of the goal
maintaining the
status quo doesn’t help us as a
as a creature
as a and we
should always be striving to become this better thing
well you are we are you are
you are we are
ok until two days well
it doesn’t matter
you’re not hurting anybody you’re doing comedy
spreading fun
everywhere you go
i mean it’s not i mean we’re
defining the
whole group
together right
and i think there’s a lot of enlightened people
and there’s a lot of people that are
thinking about
things a lot differently
than they were
10 years ago or 20 years ago it’s
changing people
because of this
because the internet is because we’re all
talking to each
other and also because
the internet’s
allowing some extreme
points of view to come
and talk to each
other where they are forced to be isolatory before
especially i
think when it comes to
i mean everybody’s arguing that it’s
allowing the fringe
groups to become more
radical and it does to a certain degree but at the same
point you can
reach out in an
instant and communicate with somebody
from a deferring
point of view now yeah
whereas you
never used to do that if you grew up in a really tiny
white town in idaho
or whatever you know like that you
might not ever meet another race
yeah whatever
and so i think that
as much as people are complaining of this is
bring us way more together than we’ve ever been
yeah i agree with you i
agree with you i
agree with you i
mean when do you look at the sheer numbers i mean there
should be fights and
deaths all the
street all day
it should be you know the sheer numbers of people this
there’s so many goddamn
people it’s amazing that people are killing each
other more than they are
yeah you know it really is amazing
you know yeah
especially with the driving here there’s a message
board that i go to and one of the reasons why go to it
cause it’s not
it’s the the
mixed martial arts dot com
it’s um it’s an interesting message
board because there’s a lot of intelligent
people and there’s a lot of like
super retards on there too
and the super retards will jump on and the
it’s always the same
story with these lips
like they used like
libs talk and
you know and oh my
god and it goes the
other way too there’s a lot of
dudes who shit on conservatives
and they don’t even know what the fuck they’re talking
about my brother just
directed a film called atlas shrugged
and i heard of it and ran
yeah it’s an incredibly
right wing of
philosophy did
this just get done
it just the
trailer just went up on you but i
go on and i was
reading all the comments on it and it’s all left ring
right right wing
everything’s
this massive argument i’m like both sides
sounds like
idiots you’re so
silly you pick
a fucking team it’s like you pick an argument
it’s interesting because we have some
completely different
point of views when it comes to economics
obviously you have a very milton freed monetz
sort of point of view no i’m
inside the workings of this society without
completely recreating it yes
but if you want to
completely recreate it i
agree with you yeah
i mean i’m just saying that
while we’re all
playing this
game that’s a lovely pragmatism and i respect that
completely because you do
in the actual function of
things we have to work with what we have that’s why
the healthcare
thing like the
whole thing with
obamacare and stuff
like that it’s
caused such a turmoil and
stuff like that and i kind of
agree it doesn’t i don’t
think it’s gonna work that well
i think it’s very important to be
aware of all the goodness
it’s very important to be
aware of your own ideas of
evolution your own ideas of you know of looking at
things in a more loving and
peaceful way
but you also gotta be
aware that a lot of dudes are cunts you know
and you can’t let cunts get in the way it does but
why do they become cunts because life’s
cause their
parents didn’t raise em
right most of it
most of it’s
their parents or some terrible
thing happened to them when they were
young or you know just shitty
household lots of
abuse that came from an awful
like my parents were
awful abusive and
stuff like that
that’s probably why you’re so
introspective
because you were forced to
think on your own i
think a lot of astounding people that i’ve met a lot of
exceptional people have come from some
point of great strife
the universe
doesn’t create diamonds
you know just by pillows
smashing together
some shit has to happen
albinos i was
watching powder last
night he’s amazing
i think he was hit by
lightning or is that john travolta
which one was hit by
lightning which one
why is there so many
movies about retards who become
super fucking
smart it’s like
that’s like the new wolf man well
it’s again that
harry potter fantasy nobody
wants to work hard at being a
genius they don’t want to have to fucking study
but boy if some
lightning would
strike and all of a
sudden i can do a
calculator i’m the
apple dumpling gang
member fucking
what happened to john travolta
did he get hit by
lightning or was it a ufo
something happened
on some angel
he became some
angel pretty sure
you remember
a lot more ways than one bro no no the
movie angel
was in one angel
it’s michael
michael michael
yeah it’s when he was an
angel in that one yeah i actually saw in the
movie theater and i feel like
shooting myself
fuck he was an
angel and michael and i just thought it’s like
it’s and it’s all the roles you can play when you’ve
cleared your things you’re joining
us put the headphones on so you know when
when you’re talking you feel
when you get when scientology
clears you those are the only rules you can do yeah
fuck man wrap your head around that shit
have you been reading about that guy the
michael guy
what is his name higgs the guy who’s
suing scientology and
hello the the the
screenplay writer yes oh yeah he’s canadian
yeah yeah um he wrote
for the last
yeah yeah exactly yeah and for the last fucking
higgs yeah that’s his name and for the last
thirty five years he’s
saying that now he realizes that he’s been in a cult
like i don’t buy that
okay i don’t buy that you didn’t look
the whole time you were there you didn’t
think about what you were doing
you’re this brilliant
screenwriter
and you’re telling me
after 35 years you just realized
it’s a cult now and you just realized you don’t
like homosexuals yeah bro you’re fucking sitting there
desk staring at some
other halfway across
from you and you’re holding two fucking soup cans
connected by strings that are attached to this meter
and you’re telling me that
you just now figured out that you’ve been in a cult
you motherfucker that one was though
which one that what the one
thing that they did that was
weird it was that
stuff they want they’re against
yeah homosexuals yet seemed to
tolerate their membership
well they believe
that you can cure
it they believe that you can cure homosexuality somehow
that’s why fake
wives and shit
that’s how they
do it hold some
chick’s hand and walk in
front of a camera and stand
cured a string of
blockbusters is what you need yeah
boy man that
the scientology man the
wheels really came off that machine when john travolta
that video got released online
of him the indoctrination speech
when you see a car accident
and you you know you have to pull over because you’re a
scientologist
you’re the only one that can help
you’re the only one that can help
find that brian find that shit and cue it up
cause it is bananas
the it’s one of my favorite
videos on the internet
it’s fucking
genius man but how does this guy not know back then
i bet you it
won’t be online i bet you they pulled it down
they had the most litigious organization on the planet
how could they get away with it though
you really think that
something’s not online
did you really just say that
sorry i don’t
think it’s there he just offended the
super nerd man it’s tom cruise by the way doing the
speech and if you can find it that would be
i will be amazed
cause i bet you it was taken down
they are so
quick to take
things down yeah cause
every time they
when they had that fist
fight with that guy um
all right here you go i’m sorry squirrel
there still remains
what are you doing fucking spastic
they’ve already got going through his whole goddamn boy
word on my mind
call it tom cruise on tom cruise scientologist
this is one of their
videos something that you have to earn
and because scientologist does
he or she has the ability to
create new and better realities and improve conditions
uh being scientologist you look at someone and you know
absolutely that you can help them
so for me it really is ksw and it’s just like it’s
it’s something that uh
i don’t mince words with that
you know with anything that
all rage does but that policy to me has really gone boy
never had i
just time went through and said you know what
when i read a diet you know i just went
this is it is exactly it
being a scientologist
when you drive past an accident
it’s not like anyone else
as you drive past
you know you have to do something
about it because
you know you’re the only one that can really help
that’s that’s what
drives me is
that i know that we have an opportunity and
to really help
for the first time
have effectively change
alright kill this
looney shit
you guys give me a fucking headache
you shut up
those are skills honed for
many years of getting straight guys to suck his cock
for sure look how compelling he is
he’s so confident
and the fucking eye contact that he makes is so intense
i bet he’s had more than a hundred
straight guys suck his cock and not even realize it
until they were doing it
that is i mean well guarantee you if that’s true
then i might join
cause that’s a
you’d probably suck his
cock i might
i might think
about it then i
would think
about joey diaz’s jokes
that was mesmerizing
didn’t it wait
was you oh you did or didn’t seem like mesmerizing
yes mesmerized
music it was like it was yeah
you know mission impossible
wasn’t that wasn’t that mission impossible music
very sorry so that was slowed down
that’s so weird
so he’s so strange and you know another fascinating
thing was the acronym
thing they they it’s all for me it’s all ksw
yeah like they have this
weird thing like you you’re the commentary
yeah they wear those
those navy suits with the same mindset
yeah and they think they’re in the navy
but they’re not there in some sort of religious cult
which that’s kind of a cool cult when you
think you’re in the navy
what cult thinks it’s in the navy
psychologists do they wear like navy outfits
or that’s their top level of all their
things whoa wait a minute hold on i did not know this
so you’re telling me the top level people
dress up like popeye yes yes oh
my gosh look at the lighting
mate there’s a car accident
let’s get that car accident
chains of me it’s forbidden
it comes from when l
ron hubbard couldn’t they
wouldn’t let him dock in any country because he had
taxes everywhere so he
lived on this cruise ship
oh my god and so all of his
close relatives
everybody around him was
just like see that became the hierarchy of the church
how badass was l
ron hubbard all
right respect
yeah he got
those monkeys to
dance for him and they’re
still dancing even
after he’s dead well he formed it because
aleister crowley
wouldn’t let him into the hermetic
order of the golden dawn the
secret society in england so he wanted to
prove to him he was
worthy but he said
watch i’ll create
my own religion created this religion people believed
in it and they went back and my aleister crowley
still didn’t want them
you know the thing
about it though it’s really fascinating
about scientology i bought a dianetics book once
when i first
moved to north hollywood that’s
the number one
yeah it was like
three o’clock in the morning and shit i was at
the commercial
yeah cgi got you right
was like wow that’s
so cool look at that volcano it’s blowing up oh look
terrible yeah
yeah well it was
just like you know i had like listened to the anthony
robins cassettes i used to
when i was writing comedy i
would listen to the anthony
robins cassettes get like
fired up so like
getting motivated
cause i’m fucking
lazy with a lot of shit and it’s hard to get me to move
so i have to get like some sort of a pump me up talk
rocky so i i was
experimenting on a
bunch of different ones so i
tried that i’m
like the anthony robbins had some really good
quotes really good
stuff i got some good
stuff out of it
and then i fucked around with dianetics
cause it was like
three o’clock in the morning i didn’t know it was
scientology
i had no idea what it was you know
i just saw this
thing dianetics what is this so i
order it and
these motherfuckers were relentless
i mean i got shit to my mailbox for
ten years later
for 10 years
they just kept sending me shit it was like
every week an opportunity to come
to some free workshop or there’s this or there’s that
or there’s a new offer and
come on down and get a free examination a free
psychological exam
psychiatry is evil did you know that and
it was just like like
you know you fuck up and give someone your
myspace address and then they fucking assault you with
emails that’s what i like
sorry bro but
they’re unbelievable
but they say a lot
of shit that can help you that’s what’s really nutty
about a lot of cults
it’s like you can’t just
blanket say that they’re all bad
because yes they are bad but
sometimes really fucking
wacky people just need a path
they need someone to put a collar on them
hold their hand and get them going
and when you do do that
and you put them in some sort of a situation like that
they can flourish and be
successful and even be fucking happy
they’re lacking
the critical thinking
skills that makes you go well what the fuck who
wrote that and then who
wrote that and that’s
translated from hebrew
and how do you
translate hebrew because hebrew is letters
and numbers so you don’t even know what the numerical
value of the words
you know there’s too many thoughts for you but for
a person that’s a
knucklehead
that go okay i got the religion
covered it’s in a nice little box
and let’s move forward with the car wash business
you know whatever the fuck he’s got that
you know sometimes
like a good
solid cult can actually help you
well you can
here’s just die for advice if you’re looking for
a sort of spiritual enlightenment if you’re thinking
about for sure all day
this is the simple
thing i’m an atheist but
if you want
to believe in god just join a religion that has a
sense of humor
that is the single key
if your religion that you’re
thinking of joining
doesn’t have any jokes
about itself can’t laugh
about it well i
think they all have
a sense of humor because i mean
when energy
does not have a
sense of fucking humor
about itself
i went on beliefnet and
tried to find
it i used to chat with them all the time trying
do you have any jokes
anything so you don’t
think during their
sermons or whatever they’re called
their meetings
you don’t think they have like a sense of
joking if it’s not
safe i don’t think
so man i don’t know
first of all i don’t know how
they structure the
whole thing but i
know that it’s very secretive and they keep information
from everybody
except the highest levels
and it takes a long time to get to the highest
levels and once you get there you have to
spend a fuckload of money
so a lot of times people get invested in it because
they look i’m not a
loser i haven’t
given these people a
half a million
dollars over the course of 25 years because i’m a loser
i’m a winner this is real okay tom cruise is at my
house we’re
gonna fucking do this and i’m
gonna become clear
and then they
teach teach them
about themes and
aliens on it
there’s a guy who
lived down the
street from me was
he and his family in
scientologist
and he was talking to me
about buying his property
and he’s like yeah we were thinking
about buying it but you know
right now deb is
about to go
clear and that’s
gonna cost his
fifty thousand dollars
i go what are you talking about
what’s clear
like i fucking did not know what he was saying
and he goes
well yeah what
clear is you know we’re
scientologist
i just thought fuck they got him for
fifty large
right here they’re getting them for
fifty thousand dollars for a fucking
voodoo ceremony that’s
probably the tip of the
iceberg of what they got him for before to get to that
point i mean that’s gay sex and then
fifty thousand dollars
it’s a money making organization
i mean they
make tons of cash that’s why they had to get the irs to
declare them a religion they sued them
to relate they
never actually came
out said the religion they says we’re done prosecuting
because they filed so many lawsuits the irs
said this would cost us more to
fight these
than it would to settle it out and just call them
they’re so trippy
you know what
how much money
would you have
to make to be able to even afford to be a
scientologist
well there’s two
ways if you can’t afford it then you got to work for me
sent and you sign a billion year
commitment to work for them billion yeah billion
bi bi for real yeah yeah
cause your spirit that
should hold up in court
one billion dollars
that just lets you know you’re hanging out with retards
yeah you want to bet a
billion dollars bro you don’t have a billion dollars
were you scared to bet
like no you’re fucking retarded man this is a
stupid conversation
you’re fucking a billion
years just in case artificial life is created and you
so you owe a billion years of
transferring your body into new machines
just read the
classics don’t fucking go to religion read
thomas aquinas read
aristotle well i
think religion is
absolutely fascinating
i think it’s very interesting and i
think it may very well be
look i got this
weird way of looking at
things and one of the ways i look at
things is that
everything is natural
and that just like
animal behavior is very
bizarre and complex but natural
alpha and beta wolf behavior and
things that they’ve done forever then they
have this sort of coordinated and it’s very strange
i think human beings are so much more
complex and with language either so many more variables
but i have a feeling that the way people behave
is just as natural as
those bees making beehives and just as natural as
wolves that are kicking the betas out
i think we have
a whole bunch of components in
place that are
very obviously moving society into a certain direction
you know and i don’t i think
your enlightenment
and your ideas
about the future are all really a part of it
it’s all to try to
trance i mean
these open ideas and reality and
clear headedness and love
tries to move
it into the best possible scenario when it gets there
but where it’s
going is it’s pretty clear that
everything we do
is sort of designed
to move things forward in that direction
it’s very very strange there’s a sub component
of our society that feels like it’s devolving them
yeah but you know what i
think that that tests
it i think i
think you need yin to have yang i
think you need suppression to have art sometimes i
think you need to have
resistance you know i
think it’s a very tricky
thing you know that’s very true
it’s hard to look at it all together
like it’s one big organism that’s all moving and
every single emotion
and every single car accident is all inexorably
entwined into one big mathematical algorithm
that’s way too big for us to really comprehend
but that might be what it’s all about
the idea of
free will i mean has been disputed many many times
the idea of
is it really free will
when you’re dealing with you being
influenced by a
dozen different fucking hormones and
neurotransmitters and emotions and all
these different
things that are flying around in the air
and you might be
drunk and like how much of that is free will exactly
it’s not 100
free will you know
if there was 100 free will you
would have rational decisions made every time
what makes an impulsive
gambler you know what makes
that might not be a program
might not be just some fucking
thing that’s running
just some giant equation
you look baked
how scary it
is to think that
like stupid people are
breeding like
crazy so eventually
if things just happen
naturally and progress like
like the world’s
gonna make them then
intellectual people are
gonna just be
wiped off the planet soon yeah
yeah no i think
it’s a battle
intellectual people stop creating
babies really there’s a lot of retards
today but there’s a lot more
smart people too
i think there’s more
smart people now not i don’t want to say
smart as in like they’re
gonna fix the
world but more
aware folks
more folks that are
thinking and
aware and honest
than ever before i think
by a long shot
i don’t think we’ve realized that i
think it is
that’s the big damn that’s
gonna break
there’s a lot
of in tune people out there there’s a lot of dumbasses
but there’s
way more in tune people than i when i was 21
when i was 21 i didn’t know anything
about anything how
much more tolerant are we too way
more i’d love that i love that
about society it’s like
when i run into
1920 year olds
now i remember there’s a gay kid in my high school
he went through hell
just went through hell now
they’re out everyone
knows there’s none of that hatred anymore yeah
different races and
stuff like that intermix
really pretty awesome
compared to like how it used to be it’s evolving
that that story
doesn’t get told half as much as the negative side
and that’s really
fast that was in the last what fifteen years yeah oh
it’s like pubic
hair disappearing it’s like in that same
frame of mind so
maybe pubic
hair and our
racism are tied to each
other cause the less pubic
hair there is out there
the less racism
do you think there’s less pubic
hair now than ever before oh fuck i’ve not
found pubic hair
on it because people were shaving it yeah it’s all
on but still there you’re not
tricking it
but wait a second
have you been
searching i’ve been
checking pubic hair lately for my
own quest yeah
but nobody just it’s also
so easy now
back back then it’s
a lot harder to get
fuck i mean the girl i
recently dated she had crazy bush
really yeah the last two girls
but she was conscious of it trying to be different now
it’s trendy now
no it’s trendy
now twitch is horrendous visual
of what brian with this
dirty bush in his face bushes are back
i like the bush
with altoid breath
i like the smelling like apples because he’s trying to
trick cops on the way home yeah
i like i just like imagine that my bird
going into a nest
oh that’s sweet is that what you do
like one little tiny egg
trying to find that not even an egg it’s a hatchling
just just want to lick it clean
also it’s easier to spit back the
juice on them when there’s hair
you know because when there’s no hair
it just goes everywhere there’s puddles in her
belly button and stuff
yeah so with
the hair kind of absorb some of like that no i’m not
gonna swallow this you know
why do girls want you to swallow
it’s swallow what when you’re
eating fuck is coming out of the window
jesus christ
you’re fucking a guy dude
i’m not a guy
let me ask you this how big is this girl’s dick
fuck are you saying so do you gaggle
up when you swallow
no i just spit it back on and ask
you to swallow
no like they’re
juices you know they’re
juices wait
a minute you
know like when
their breasts feel like sandbags you know they’re
juices you know when
they have those
strong hands that
secure you secretions
from the pussy
mixed with your
slobber mixed
with it it’s like a whole
basket of juice
right that you explain
to me you must be really good at it then
i’m really good
yeah i can tell there’s videos
it’s a good thing
well because the
girls getting that wet then you must be
yeah well he
first of all he’s just
throwing up in them constantly
that’s one of the reasons
why it’s so
he just every five minutes he
sticks a finger in her and then right in his mouth
that’s part of his thing he drinks a fuckload of tang
before he does it so even though it’s puke it
smells cool it smells like a spaceship it’s coconut
water you put on like they’re on the moon
he just throws up tang
and fingers
i’m like why won’t you swallow it why
is it so chunky she’s like why are you throwing up
you can say i tried swallowing your pussy juices
that’s my pussy juices
that much towards more swallowed already
it’s like coconut
water you’re right it is coconut water
beards are not good for it
no that’s what
that’s another good
thing about hair though when there’s two hairs they
match it matches like velcro
and it locks
it locks you on
it doesn’t scratch them because they have a
protection of hair
see that it’s like
an eyelash for an eye it’s supposed to collect dirt and
come and spit
i like the way you
think i like the way you think
you’re fairly
fucking bushes are back two
thousand eleven did you guys see that that lady
blow a fuse
when she was
reporting at the
with the emmys
did you see that shit
the lady who oh the
cbs reporter
that was weird dude what’s
going on at cbs
first charlie sheen well
this chick gets raped in
egypt and the
other girl that was very fox
like i read
that this morning i didn’t know here that she got
raped that cbs shit was like very fox like like on fox
that’s acceptable because it’s like you’re you know
getting paid ten dollars an hour or whatever
those reporters are probably getting
like the cbs is like real legit
i think there’s a legit
neurological
issue i don’t
think it’s a matter
of her just getting her tongue tied it was like a
disconnect between the
mouth and the
sound coming out of her
mouth and her
brain you think you’re
stoned what is it no i
think she either had a
panic attack oh you
gotta play it play it
find it she either had a
panic attack or
she had like there’s a lot of people thought she had a
stroke but apparently they
checked her
oh you read
about this yeah
somebody said they denied that she had a
stroke on air
yeah and she’s feeling fine this morning yeah
but they didn’t as
other people that say
might be like some form of epilepsy or
might be like
who the fuck knows what it is but
it was one of the oddest
things ever
here goes listen
a lot of new details this morning
about that los angeles
television reporter who suddenly began
slurring her speech and
speaking gibberish in her report on the grammys
the video of cerritos this is
when firefighting
has a lot more on this medical dude
not this find the actual video
they better not have pulled it those fucks
you think they pulled it no you talk about scientology
here it gets the big
shocker winning only two despite ten nominations
seniors to serene branson is live at the stable center
with highlights and backstage
coverage we’re seeing for the very first time serene
well a very very
the fuck is that her is that what she did
fucking you tears just stop
she just stopped a very very heavy heavy
dirt rotation tonight we had a very dares darrison
by let’s go ahead terrace
chase english for the bit the head the pet
she did nitro you know what is
nitrous or salvia
right before she took she’s an
alien and she fucked up and she didn’t get her decoder
right she’s an
alien and that’s what their real language is
she thought she was
speaking human and she fucked up and that was klingon
that was really weird that was really weird that’s
probably it did seem like a little mini
stroke or some brain injury
salvia it seemed
to me like she
definitely seemed like she knew something was wrong
but at the end she thought
she was saying go back to you guys like it seemed like
that was the
indication that she had completed her
thing that she was trying to get out it
reminds me of a twilight zone episode i saw growing up
where the guy just
starts noticing little words
changing like hey go outside and play
with the encyclopedia what do you mean dog what’s that
and then it slowly gets
worse when it’s kind of like that whole same
twilight yeah
wow the best
story actually halfway through i realize
yeah but but
still what the fuck man what’s
going on with that broad
i i really feel like she’s probably
i mean this is
california i really feel like she got to
stone while she’s waiting to go on
and like her boyfriend
was there just hit it just hit it a couple times
and she just just
freaked out she got to
stone i don’t
think there’s that many
people too fast the way she was mixing up the the word
putting it into different
chunks and moving it around
it was that was
that had to be
this is like
we’re like those retards that sit around like
studying bigfoot films
there’s no way that
could be a monkey suit
because the muscles in a human
literally don’t work like that look at
these pyramids on mars
there’s no way
dude this is impossible that this
structure is there by accident
she could be a
snake handler one of
those christians that
speaks in tongues when she could have
infected with the spirit hey
might be pentecost
do you ever see jesus camp
yes oh what a
great documentary that is oh
i haven’t seen it
folks it’s a must see it’s
an indoctrination
school where they take
these kids and they
trying to turn them into christian holy warriors i went
to those when i was a kid for catholicism
really yeah oh i had to go to
bible camp every summer oh my god awful
how long did you have to go for
until i realized how
many like how
long were you away from your family for like two weeks
three weeks fuck yeah
it was always
and i got to be honest with you there was
dirty there were used to hook up with the girls in
those camps all really
well i was a little kid you have to
carry a cross
no it’s not
penance jesus
you have to
carry across not
filipino one not everybody gets to be
jesus okay he
was raised with no religion
everyone gets me jesus
it’s funny because
i was raised so religious and she was raised less
none like she
doesn’t know the
bible stories or anything so i take it for
granted that everybody knows it
and then she always reminds me i don’t know
about this either
there’s a lot of them that i don’t know
i read enough to go all right stop
shut the fuck up
i’ve read more
about the origins of the
bible than i’ve read the bible
the most fascinating
thing that i’ve read
is that the original
bible was written in ancient hebrew
besides the dead sea
scrolls which
is an aramaic and that’s an interesting one because
it was actually written on animal skins one of the ways
they put together the dead sea scrolls
was they had to do
the dna of the animal
so that they
could figure out
which animal
pieces were connected to
which animal
pieces like this painstaking work trying to
piece it all together
but here’s what’s crazy
to this day
they don’t know all the words in ancient hebrew no
it’s something like this
they only know like
three quarters or
maybe a little bit
more and some of the important ones that are incredibly
short that they know
a little about because
they have the
least amount of information so you get
these two letter words that
just could mean
it could be a
preposition it
could be a longer sort of
shortening of a number could
be just a number too
letters and numbers are the same
thing there was no numbers
so the letter a was also the number one
i love the bible too how people take it
literally who are english
you know like
the southern
fundamentalist wildlife
jesus said well actually no
this has been
translated like 30 times
in english you know
beaten into the ground the original
one you’re reading
is the nonsense one written by constantine and a
bunch of bishops yeah
and even reading the fucking fire and brimstone
the original
yes peter g really loved me
three times
and it comes out
three times is love you in english
but in even like the
for translations back in greek
he’s asking him
three different ways do you love me as a father as a
protector and as a
lover it’s just
so silly like
this is what people
need to realize no matter how much people knew at one
point in time even if people you know
really had figured out some incredible way of moving
stone that we can’t replicate
today and that’s how they were able to
build the pyramids
we are still the
smartest motherfuckers
that have ever been in the face of the planet
by far the most
aware the most informed
right fucking now for sure
and if there’s no
magic dude talking to us now
okay there was no
magic dude back then
and people are full of shit
and that story sucks it sucks and it’s old and just
cause it’s old you don’t have to fucking keep listening
you know and
take it as a historical idea
take you know the stories as you know like
ancient fables and interesting ideas
it doesn’t mean there’s no god
it doesn’t mean that anybody has any answers
but it means you can’t believe old dumb shit it’s just
it ruins the
whole conversation
and you can’t believe old dumb shit to the
point where it makes you want to kill
or hurt anybody else it’s like you don’t
you’re mad because
other people don’t believe old dumb shit so
the way that you’re gonna
reinforce this old dumb shit is go on a rampage
and kill a bunch of people
how can you
believe in a book
that if you only know one fourth of it too
how much can a book
three three four
or if you only know
three four so if you’re missing one fourth of a book
would you ever
really believe that book it’s probably even
more than that
translated to
latin and then to
greek and you know in the
long losing in the
translation
like ancient
hebrew so much
different than
those languages i imagine like a mice a minute
he or he didn’t
shoot you know turn around and
shoot them you know that’s like one fourth of that book
that changes the whole book
you know that
might be at the end was like just kidding
jesus is fake
we’re on mushrooms
that’s the real end of the bible
psych we was on mushrooms words that can’t
translate just kidding
all the way through i’m
using that as a bit now psych we were on my
now folks you’re gonna know where this bit was created
somebody tweet me this because i’m gonna forget it
do you think there was sarcasm
back when the bible yeah we might be like
grunting fucks back then
sarcastic fucks that lived to be thirty and they
smelled like shit and they shot loads into each
other they hope they
stuck oh yeah the meatball
inherit the earth yeah
they were dying like
flies those fucks
and then every now and then a
bunch of men would get together in a
bunch of boy fucking hordes
and they would take over entire
countries they would roam the
earth and fucking chop
my bloody sword
next week i
think it can
be done man it’s like whenever they have like a
black boot beauty just like always like a ripoff
boy fucking
hordes yeah that’s the
title like it’s like deep impact and then the
other one member
they were all
the same time armageddon you know
they both rocked it with an absolute
movie which one did
you prefer by the way
i thought they both sucked
have you seen the new one like idle
los angeles
that looks that
looks sacrific yeah i hope it’s
i hope it’s good because i really thought that
other one went
where it was in los angeles with
uh twenty twelve
i thought that looked good but then i
heard everyone tell me it sucks that was an awesome
trailer i heard that movie
darren aronofsky’s
directing it so it
should be good yeah cool
is he laughing
i don’t know darren are not
here the black swan
that was really bizarre
yeah no he was
requiem for a
dream was a
trippy moving on and
put it in her ass
you know what i was to make me
happy when i walked out
the theater no
i don’t think i
enjoyed my experience
there i felt very
dirty after that film and i did not want to
get high you
know what you guys when you guys were talking
about the government
earlier for that long time you know what i was thinking
and this is so
stupid you guys know goober grape
the peanut butter that’s like peanut butter mixed
with all right
grape is you know the
grape is in it
goobers are usually yellow so that’s actually saying
that yeah the peanut butter supposed to be a goober
and they actually sold this at a grocery
store and that’s pretty disgusting it’s a good
shitty puberty
pudding and government you talking about
snot is gubert
and us talking
about the government made you
think yeah fuck
is wrong with you kid
you have brain damage
son but that’s
weird on tv
you just had a
stroke on the
radio dumbass
that’s just crazy
those crocs
fucking plastics
leaking into your
toes i know
he is wearing
no goopers are usually like i’m like
honking a goober on you or like i spit
but is that what it means i thought i was in a
goofy dude so what does goobinatorial mean
i don’t know man
it’s always like this fucking goober
that’s like a
goofy dude like goober from the witch will
andy griffith
show yeah but is that
named after spitting is
that goober
or who’s goober from
the dukes of hazzard i thought it was luigi
no dukes of
hazards cooter
cooter cooter
dude’s name pussy you
can’t call someone
pussy a big
pussy you can do it on hbo
you can’t call a guy cooter
today you can
never have that favorite euphemism
for pussy that british use
tell me this isn’t
gross a fanny
how about that i know how
wrong is that that’s your fucking nasty
creeps this is what they call it in
northern england plunge
i know doesn’t that
sounds like a mollusk
fucking plunge
he’s getting hurt yeah yeah
jesus christ what a terrible night
put it in me plunge
as soon as you come you throw up in her hair just
what the fuck have i done it just terrified that you
planted a demon seed in her fucking
snatch hearing sex talking
especially when they’re older
i smell like
cigarettes oh yeah drunk
they love to party
yeah yeah it’s a fun
place to be it’s one
of the reasons why it’s so fun english people fucking
throw down you know
party when he goes over do you ever go over
no no why not
i don’t know
cause i well you know
i only get two tickets
so it’s usually i bring
eddie bravo
cause he goes with me
cause he works with ufc too
and then the
other thing is like
it’s not that easy to just get over there
oh yeah the
permits are
bitch now too oh you have to work
it yeah yeah
well if you’re working i
wanna go to canada though i miss canada come back up
why don’t you guys come up and do a tour up there well
maybe you come
when we go to toronto
toronto’s gonna be fun as shit oh
the the tickets for
macy hall i don’t know what the date is but
they’re already half sold out
the the pre sale went on yesterday
april twenty
ninth i think it is
that’s such
as badass where’s macy hall
it’s in toronto oh
is it called
macy hall or is it called massey
hall massey
yes you got to pronounce it massy hall
i’m gonna call whatever the fuck i want
well that sounds
stupid name
if everybody shows up and agnes
to the one hundred
maybe massy hall
fucking niagara
falls thinking
joe rogan supposed to be here
i don’t think they’ll get that
wrong what’s that
watch you’re wearing that’s
awesome solos
watch that’s badass
that’s like
crazy expensive
i don’t know
no ed source
is manager give me it
it’s pretty dope yeah
that’s fucking
protective um
so so the tickets
will go on sale for that for everybody else on friday
and then this weekend is the bray
improv with joey and ari
pete johansson what you got
going on man
i got nothing to do
this weekend
nothing no i canceled my one gig because i was
thinking of
going to vegas with my wife because she’s
never been there
oh so never been to vegas no
what’s your
first you don’t know
about jesus and he
never been to hell this is my
first time here
yeah i’m taking
this is your
first time in america totally no i’ve been to seattle
okay you gotta go to vegas
i mean it’s only like a four hour
drive three and a half hour
drive from here you can
drive there i was
thinking of doing getting like a
suite of the palms and
stuff and just sort of like
spend like two
days just jump on like hotels
calm you can get like 39 dollar
night room it’s so there’s
vegas is dead got a friend who owns the
place oh okay
you can do powerful
vegas is so dead
and like deserted that there’s so many
sheep hotels that’s retarded
we’ll just spend
two days if you dip it into my plunge
no but as of next week if you’re british
and you’re listening to this i’m at the brighton
i’m at the comedian brighton
and then i’m at the winnipeg comedy festival
then i’m in
vancouver taping the debaters
then off to the new zealand international comedy
festival what is the debaters
it’s a tv show and
i’m doing two episodes of it shot in canada
where we debate topics
on television like socialism
let me tell you this
speaking of socialism
what do you think
about this guy richie
thing you know what’s
going on with the guy richie they fucking
moved into his house squatters
the squatting ras in england are ridiculous ridiculous
the cops can’t do anything because if
the only way they can arrest them is if they if they
break the door
but if they
leave even so much as a window on the top
floor open and they
crawl in through it it’s a legal entry
what so if they have legally you
can’t get them out of your house so how does
someone what if someone
what if you
get this home and someone
comes into your house and decides to stay
can they do
that well if you’re actually living there you can
prove that you’re proprietary living in there
and there then they’re
trespassing in your
thing but if you
can’t prove
anything right he wasn’t living in that
right it was
refurbishing it
right because it was
bacon not being stayed in
the lost its and i
would just go in there and
start molesting them
so how does
homeboy get out of that well he
has to serve
them with the
action papers
right just like any
other tenant and that can take six
months to a year
to process oh
my god i just make them uncomfortable
like they responsible for
damage they do to the
house during the time they take
absolutely absolutely
they’re responsible just like any
other tenants would be
for any bills
it’s the weirdest law you know like the only
place i like squatting laws is in
unsettled territory
if you can prove you
built a cabin there and
lived it for 15 years yeah you
should be able to keep it
yeah other than that
you know like come on at
least give a homeboy an acre yeah
yeah i mean
i don’t don’t
understand how
they don’t have a law set up to protect us
i mean what
the fuck were they doing over there i don’t know that’s
the most obvious sign of criminal
just criminal incompetency by lawmakers you haven’t
fixed this one well what
about this is
legal there’s a guy in england that shot
a guy who is trying to rape and kill his wife
eric didn’t shouldn’t beat him to death
and he went to jail for it
oh no he didn’t yeah
yeah and that’s like
it was excessive
it was excessive
force how did you how
would you even know it was excessive
if someone was trying to kill your wife yeah you
wouldn’t even know what you were doing man
you’d go into a
blackout fucking red
glaze of hate
you wouldn’t even know what you’re doing so if they’re
trying to kill then excessive
wouldn’t be killing back
right you can’t legislate
here’s the deal man
once you fucking
enter the house
it’s just you just like a rat man
you know you don’t deserve to live
you’re entering the
house looking to harm someone
you don’t deserve to live no i
agree with that somebody beat him to
death oh too bad
too bad i guess he won’t be
breaking in anybody’s
houses trying to fucking rape and kill him anymore and
and then no
he’s planting
flowers that you don’t want
you know this guy’s a cunt i’m a
liberal and i believe
in that yeah i don’t even believe in the destiny
and look at that
that’s a perfect example we were talking
about earlier
this idea that there’s two separate totally different
schools of thinking there’s not
you know most of most people that i know
think that you know really fucking horrible people
should be removed from the face of the earth
but their own good too man i
think we should reuse them for medical
experience yes so that i’ve
never agreed well i’ll take you a step further i
think we use them at zoos
well fuck given
tiger stakes
and i fucking hate seeing
tigers that don’t get to kill shit
you know but all
these drugs they live for that they have to test on
on animals and
stuff like that that they don’t know the
effects on humans yeah
fuck yeah but
just the shit out of them
fuck yeah absolutely
absolutely it was
the one thing
where me and that’s
china have a
lot of problems
how about here’s the problems what if there’s a very
powerful man okay
and this very
powerful man
catches you banging his wife just for instance
you’re not you
yeah cause you know it’s okay
no i know i know how you roll dog
i wouldn’t put it past you dog
so this powerful man decides to have you arrested on
trumped up charges
makes forces his wife into
you know going
along with it or
she do get out
of the money
you get fucked okay
for a little
dirty bitch man she sold you down the river
so you go to jail and then
they accuse you of some horrible
crime that you of course did not do
and next thing you know they’re doing
experiments on you
cause this guy
forces you by his
influence and all his
money he’s a very rich
powerful man
he forces you to become a medical
dummy and they
start doing
experiments on you
i just gave you the craziest for instance forever so so
that came out
for instance
in that case in this highly unlikely event
i still think you know what are you
gonna answer that
at least nothing good’s
gonna happen with my life anyways at that
point so at
least they can
get some good out of testing fucking drugs on me
hmm okay yeah
my life’s practically over anyways you’re saying so you
gotta do that and just get you raped
right i mean
today today you
could just do it and get you raped yeah
but yeah why not hear
about oj simpson
did he do so he
got the fuck
beat out of him in jail oh
yeah you got
knocked unconscious and he’s been in the hospital
for like like
weeks when do you go to jail i’ve been waiting for
naked gun four and a half for a while
way impossible
yeah he was
beat up by a
white supremacist a
young muscular
white supremacist
because he was running around bragging
about all the
white chicks he banged
of course this is just the
official story
you know who the fuck knows who
is a user on the scene
you know prisoner
slash reporter
an embedded
reporter who’s
gonna give you all the oj simpson dirt
you know how the fuck they
know what he really said but this guy decided to beat
the shit out of him bad like he thought he killed him
really yeah
apparently oj simpson got
fucked up well i
would yeah it’s that’s a that’s a
tough one hey i mean
black history
month too well is it i
think yeah i
think black
people are done with oj
i think they’re done with them
they were they were there on the
first trial the
second trial mmm
not so much yeah i don’t
think they supported him on murder
but when it came to like
breaking and
entering 20 years
later like that’s
not man you mean to put that dude away
get out of here any
black people right
i mean the crazy
black people that will only vote for him
based on the fact that he’s black the
very people that got him acquitted
the people that got him acquitted
there was a fucking
bunch of people outside the courtroom
and they said this one’s for us this one’s for us
and i went wow i
blame the prosecution i thought they were
absolutely incompetent
yes of course
they were they
were unprepared marge that’s lark
that’s what the prosecutions usually are
that’s really who the people are that are in place
they never get to this
fucking high profile fucking ethli bailey
and fucking
kardashian and
these motherfuckers
who would have thought that the craziest
thing that would have ever
spawned out of that
is the kardashian
sisters i mean
they’re a product of the oj murders
the reason why the word kardashian
resonated with people
it’s not just that she was
paris hilton’s friend
she was paris hilton’s friend
whose dad helped get off a fucking murderer
what about that cat kato
was a kalan kato
kalan he was
famous for all he was doing stand up
for a little
he just did
it the other day
he followed or i followed him
you do stand up yeah
i didn’t know that yeah he’s been doing it for a
while now it’s fucking awesome
congratulations dude
he did it a
long time ago and you had this joke tell me if you
think it’s funny
what the joke that you quit doing comedy
what do you
think when bob
hope died they flew out his body to iraq to
entertain all the dead
troops oh jesus
and he did this the day bob hope died
i did that the day bob hope died in a
fucking audience
full of old people
and comedy for five years
that’s funny see that’s a
proof positive that time plus you know
whatever equals comedy
very time plus insight
is that what it is what are you ahead of yourself
that’s all yeah
he was just he jumped the gun
yeah well it’s like you know i mean
if you said at the comedy
store i would have got a fucking huge laugh yeah
you’re at columbus ohio and it was
senior night at the funny bone
yeah man that’s the goddamn problem with comedy
especially when you’re
starting out
the real problem with comedy is that it’s just one
giant genre
you know it’s like
you know go to see live
music and you’ll
have like a rapper followed by a country
music singer
followed by guns n
roses you know
it amazes me the lack of insight some of the people
putting together bills
into it like
especially in england
where they have like a guitar player in
front and then a high
energy guy and then a low energy closer
yeah dude you can’t follow low energy yeah
yeah especially
their audience wants and they go
we’ll just give them
everything and hopefully they like one
thing and they’ll come back
not really it’s
less insightful than that all it is is this who’s got
who’s got a week open
stick them there it’s
really that simple and always end on the highest energy
but some people put plot like
tom tom sawyer from cobbs like he’s like
you know he
prides himself on like putting together good shows and
making sure the guys go with certain guys can’t wait
to work back in this country actually i’m gonna i’m
coming back in september for
we’re gonna move here
oh really so you decided
to tell out
cause when i talk to you a week ago you were like
we just got here somebody
somebody fucking loves it here
you love it huh
really yeah
yeah i’ve never
lived anywhere remotely warm
i mean this
week kind of sucks but last week it was like 80s last
week was amazing
we’ve done runyon canyon
every day that we’ve been here
it’s just it’s fucking look at you
trendy yeah dude this is a this is a
crazy goddamn town
there’s a lot of cool shit
about la there’s a lot of douchebags but that’s just
sheer numbers of
humanity yeah
you know in the
grind there’s not any douchebags yet
really we have
oh you’re in the presence of
three of them you know what they
should put on how
dare you how
dare you discredit our douchiness
you know what they
should put on top of runyon canyon
a food truck
good mom yeah
fucking taco one
yeah juicy street tacos
yeah those ones
you need to
think twice when you’re drunk
i wonder if getting
drunk like the alcohol helps kill
like a lot of fucked up shit from bad food
cause i don’t seem to ever get sick when i eat bad food
from hammered isn’t that why they
isn’t that what alcohol was supposed to do
well yeah traveler sickness yeah well
fuck when i was in
mumbai this year
jesus oh you
sound like someone is trying to brag
you know i was in move by this year
somebody yacht
i know but you know
i was popping bottles with
models and for
if moon by is bragging that’s pretty awesome
that’s the worst
you could if you wanted to be like
super liberal
traveler man
i am super liberal traveler
fucking what i do i go from
world to world and
point out that
come on everybody just love come on i love
when george clooney got malaria
oh yeah you know i love george clooney i
think he’s an awesome actor but it
would be really cool if he got
eaten by a hippo
you know if he was over there
oh no i mean
i don’t wanna lose him don’t get me
wrong i like losing him
the most within how about
with an opportunity for a redo
i would think it
would be a crazy news
story he goes over to africa to try to save the
world gets eaten by a crocodile yeah
i don’t like adrian bro
bitch you got
malaria what are you doing over there malaria
what listen adrian brody
is responsible for one of the most unintentionally
funny scenes in the movie ever
which splice
when he fucked that
alien thing that was
three months old
can’t believe you saw it
until somebody
downloads it
accidentally onto my computer without me knowing
fucked up dude i’m a sucker
for horror movies i love harm
sci fi and horror i love like i’ve seen
every sci fi
movie there me
too man i love
so much and i just looked at this i’m like i’m
gonna take a chance i’m sure it sucks
i’m gonna fucking get
baked i’m gonna go see the sci fi
movie and hopefully they’ll give me some you know
mindless entertainment
it was so fucking
completely preposterous and
ridiculous if you
haven’t seen it he makes a baby
and it’s half
alien or half lizard
where the fuck
it is i’m not exactly sure what the plot was
it was that was
super baked and it was so
ridiculous the
thing grows like instantly
into full size and is living in the basement of this
building they all work at
they have like a little
camp set up
with a fucking
couch and candles
and meanwhile it’s like a
grown woman already and it’s like
three months old
so they have to get it out of there so they
smuggle it out of the
building and take it back to his
fucking farm in the woods
and within like a week he
starts fucking it
you know and you’re like what
this thing’s
three months old it’s half
alien it’s got like
horse legs like the bottom legs like bend the wrong way
and he’s banging
a girl that’s really creepy
it’s one of the most ridiculous
movies ever
you gotta get
big to watch
it come on you
would fucking
alien if you
everybody’s not a
three month old one bro not one i was there from
the fucking get go
outer space but
it wasn’t an
alien they created
they made the fetus
that’s kind
of gross yeah
it’s the daughter
it’s like a walking
flesh like that
well i’m looking at
it as like how are you writing this shit in the script
this guy’s fucking this
thing like how about
maybe it’s like a dog
where it ages way faster so by the time
he was fucking it was actually like 20 or like a mayfly
well she looked like a woman
but still she’s
three months old the
bitch didn’t even know how to
speak english
yeah i’d like
to i’d like you’re
fucking a baby man you’re fucking a baby
three months old can’t stop
she she just
nobody’s ever done a
movie about the
babies that come
about from when the donkeys fuck the girls in tijuana
can i get donkeys pregnant bro
no donkeys can’t get girls pregnant
that’s ridiculous
you know what
would be funny is like
every single brad pitt
movie was so realistic
that his phone just rang
off the hook all day and
every time he
went outside he got attacked by
hot girls like my god it’s brad pitt do you
think that happens brad
pitt’s always like fucking
he’s always in like in darfur
and crazy places like that do you really
think he’s running
around having girls chasing him fuck yeah he is i
think his reality show
would be him telling the kids to
put that down
don’t light that on fire
where’s your mom
where’s that
crazy bitch
just fighting scenes
yeah picture
yelling at him brad pitt
travels by motorcycle
in disguise
so you know he just looks like a fucking ninja on
motorcycle yeah
be an architect isn’t that his
dream he this
whole thing was
about designing
buildings and shit like that
that’s the kind of
dreams you get when you fuck too much top
shelf pussy
just wish i was a peasant a cobbler
a shoemaker
kind of what i’m
going it’s just
smacking angelina jolie
off his dick get out of here do you
think she’s the
ultimate like
no not even
by a long shot that’s a
crazy bitch
she had her
blood and billy bob’s
blood they would
carry him around and vile kissing her
i love shit like that okay i love
shit like that i love that i
think she’s the sexiest
woman on earth really
just because she’s fucking
crazy thank god
you’re a girl
sexy girls are like i
think she’s so sexy like
my wife has
pretty good choice and
pussy but no
it’s the idea
that she does have something loose
which means that’s what you like
she would be fucking yeah let her
drink blood
let her drink
blood somebody
got that toothpick
olive but she’s too
skinny she’s
does she yeah i don’t really
look at the bottom she looks weird
i mean she’s gorgeous her face is flawless flawless
absolutely out
rosaria but
crazy yeah she’s gorgeous
crazy chicks
crazy chicks to me are disgusting
i look at crazy
chicks and i just go
i might as well be a dude
that’s not even remotely interesting
it’s all because dudes are so hot
my take on it has
differed radically in my life it was one
important time i was always attracted to
crazy chicks and i surrounded myself with
crazy chicks cause they were the most fun
and then one of them killed one of my friends
yeah murder suicide
and so that was it for me
all right it’s fucking no i want nice like this is a
stupid fucking addiction i know who you’re talking
about that yeah she was
crazy as a shit house
crazy and pilled out
pilled out okay
that’s different
though pilled
out is different that’s that is it it’s not
crazy is willing to go
crazy in a bunch of different ways
crazy is not
gonna go all natural i’m
crazy but i
drink wheatgrass
juice and go to yoga
no sometimes they do math
also in that package that you’re talking about how
crazy is also that vindictive jealousy that
women can get
from a man’s
success when they’re in the same career
as them and one
doesn’t have any
success of any type
there was a lot of issues with that little situation
we’re talking
about phil hartman to not
dance around
it there was a lot of issues with that there was a
you know what it was is he
settled with a
woman that he liked 30
of the time
seventy percent of the time
he wanted to run the fuck away from her and she was
crazy and you know she would
party and it was just a really unhealthy relationship
you know and i
learned a lot from that man
i learned i’d
never been around people that really despised each
other and were like really high profile and successful
and like she
would say like
biting evil shit to him in public
so that he would feel uncomfortable and she
would embarrass him
like we were at a
party and phil came over with his
wives like hey joe
he’s always like
super friendly the nicest
guy to everybody
fucking craftservice guy bob the
yes bagel man
he’s just one of
these dudes that everybody fucking
loved him so he comes over
and you know we’re talking
and somehow another
his wife oh he
got a new car he had this new car that he really liked
and his wife goes i want to get a pickup truck
i want to get a pickup
truck because it reminds
me of guys that i used to fuck when i was younger
jesus she just
laughs oh she didn’t say fuck she said
sleep with she took it
classy yeah
and she goes phil
doesn’t like pickup trucks but
he’s too old
and it was just like
crazy like you
could see that
the bubble inside his head just
just don’t let it out don’t scream
get medicated get a
drink quick
you know and
she did a couple of them she did a couple of
those you know
a couple of feels old and
guys i stayed when
i was younger like she like just fucking one person
after another
person’s feelings trying to play a little game
and see if i can
score on you
see if i can
fuck with you and see if i can make you feel like shit
yeah but you’re living
with this person and you’re raising children do they
think that’s the only way to keep them is
to bring them down no they’re
broken they’re broken they have terrible patterns
nobody’s ever explained it to them they’ve never done
ecstasy they’ve
never been in an
ayahuaski ceremony
they need to do
something they have
terrible patterns i’m
gonna fucking
borrow that that is beautiful
terrible patterns people get
stuck in repeating themselves even
if it makes no
sense i learned that years ago when
i took cognitive therapy a long time ago
and that’s how she described it to me
pouring water down a path
after a while it’ll always go down the
sand yeah it’s very hard to change that
path man very very very hard
i did though it was a big change in my life
well i think you
like a lot of guys i said
you had a traumatic
childhood and traumatic
childhoods i think
you know it
forces you to
run faster than most people feel comfortable running
you know force it
forces you to
cover more ground in your
life i run very fast too
mentally oh
yeah that to
mind sign but i sprint
that’s very yeah god
yeah i know i’ve had a
bunch of patterns in my life
where i’m like am i letting this
weird pattern define
me when this is not even what i like to do like
why is this
why am i stuck doing the same
thing over and over
again why do i have the same sabotage
things that keep happening in my life you know your
evolutions been interesting though because it’s
one that’s voyeuristic to a lot of people that are fans
of yours and wells people that like and know you
cause i’ve watched you online and the
things you talk
about the more complexities the more
understandings you get and your passions and your stuff
cause you live life out loud through the help of this
media savvy
motherfucker
but it’s neat because
watching somebody else evolve inspires
other people to involve and it’s
involve evolve
well you know i’m just doing what all
these other people are doing too it’s just more
high profile it’s like we’re all in it together you
know i mean one of the coolest things
about this internet
experience is the sharing
of information and ideas like somebody sent me some
video today of
some fucking guy in the jungle
climbing to this top of this tree to get some
honey and he’s
climbing up with
these leaves and fires are
gonna hot ember
in the leaves
and he goes this fucking
tree is like five hundred feet in the air
and this guy slowly
climbing up to the top of the
street so he can get some honey
we were doing the podcast on tuesday or yesterday
we were doing the podcast yesterday and the
power went out
and we were like bitches
the power went out in this fucking
house on you know
paved road with no wild animals anywhere to be seen
and joey diaz like
you know you better call the gas an electric cocksucker
you better start a fire
you better get the kids in the car get
ready to get to the airport
you gotta get the fuck out of here joe rogan
there’s lions and
tigers and bears
so he starts
going off about it and i’m
thinking while i’m
watching this fucking guy
climb this tree i’m like wow
what this is another reality
right here on
earth two thousand eleven
human beings they
could live this way
where you’re terrified when
lights go out or you could
climb a five hundred foot fucking tree with a vine
wrapping a vine around and
pulling himself up
step by step all the way to the top to get some honey
you’re either terrified when they go out
or you’re terrified
when they go on this dude was getting fucked up by beef
can you imagine
500 feet in the
air fucked up by these
can you imagine that guy walking home into his
hut and having his wife
start talking about
minuscule bullshit
you know what’s so sad
at the tree
today it was so deep
it was so deep the kids were
watching you
know he’s way the fuck up there and the kids are
watching and then you know he’s talking
while it’s happening
you know he was like doing a narration not
while he’s actually climbing
but he was talking
about how many of his friends have died doing it
so there he’s
climbing up there we love
honey have honey yeah
wrap your head around that shit that’s
because the
woman you know that he’s
only bring it on because
the woman is
the only thing
calms her down
which is got pms
i’ll get stung by
the you wouldn’t do
that for vital
nutrition they were saying it was
vital nutrition for his family
yeah it’s for his family he was describing it how the
beep on bee pollen
and fights and vegems yeah it
really especially in the areas that it’s it’s
naturally grown
like they say that that’s the best one of the best
methods for
avoiding getting colds in any
particular area
it used to be get bees from that air and eat
their raw honey
and then it
would give you some sort of a natural
boost to your immune
system probably makes the pussies
taste better too
fucking jungle
like pineapple it’s jumbo
pussy oh jungle
pussy i thought
you said jumbo
the propolis inside of the beast
stuff actually kills infections
other than sulfates it’s
the next best
thing to fight infections
it’s fucking
trippy the bees are
dying like a
motherfucker
they’ve figured it out though in the last couple
months they’ve
the massive hive
death yeah they
figured it out
it’s a combination
they’re pretty sure of a combination of a mite
and a fungus
together when they happen
is causing them really causing them there was
still some debate well
they found a resistant
hive group outside actually
in england that’s why i know it because it was in the
guardian and they’re trying to
crossbreed them now with all the
other beasts
gonna make super bees that fuck the
world the last just the last time we
did it was fucking killer bees you know the next one’s
gonna be serial killer
what’s gonna happen they’re
gonna make these killer bees
that are gonna get
tuned into all the wi fi signals and they’re
gonna decode
all the ones and zeros and become
super intelligent
and they’re
gonna grow they’re
gonna grow to the size of
horses flying
super intelligent
super bees the
other ones are just
gonna tune in to rush limbaugh with
giant ass beehives a beehive
bigger than the fucking
staple center they’ll
crawl into our
houses and steal our oxycont
oh yeah they’re coming
after you haha
yeah i’m laughing too much
would you think
about guys like
rush limbo that are obviously playing a game i
think guys obviously i
think it’s for i
think it’s he’s in it for the
money doesn’t
give a shit
about what he said
he’s obviously a performer
we were talking
about dennis miller before you got here
we’re talking
about dennis miller it
was on the bill o’reilly show and he’s like a fucking
like a salesman
you know it’s like he’s like
it was so weird he’s like
pitching for republicans
like he had bill o’reilly had been on
we dare to explain this before so i’ll be really brief
bill o’reilly had some guy on that was
claiming that fox news was saying that people
would go to jail
if they didn’t get health insurance
and you know bill arising we’ve
never said that and then they show like instance
after instance
click like over and over and over
again of them actually saying that
and it’s what’s
funny about the video
but at the end of the video
dennis miller goes on the bill riley show
and he’s talking
about this instance
where the guy was clearly
right and but dennis is like how
about that guy yesterday showing up without the facts
a guy walk around
carrying his hat in his
hat and i’m like
and he had this
really bad monday
night football era one
liner that he went with it you
know i mean i
was on the first
you know one of
those fucking nonsensical it
doesn’t mean anything i’m just
happy that you got through its all
laugh with you
you know you’re not saying anything you know
and it was i was like wow how
weird is this that a
comic is doing this a
comic is like
i mean he’s such a
weird guy though i mean
so good back in the day well
that’s because
david feldman
david feldman
wrote all his material for his hbo special
i did not know this yeah
who now is the head writer for bill maher
but you can see when they
changed well
you can see when they
changed quality wise benes miller was
great great
and then felt then left and then
and then he
sort of attributed
his weirdness to the 9 11
thing because he
after 9 11 he went
right wing you know that’s what happened
yeah he yeah
i had an opportunity
to talk to him once i’ve actually talked to him
in the air before i actually like him he’s a nice guy
i’ve met him once i’ve
met him on the radio
he’s a fucking good dude man he’s a
great comic the back
of the old days i mean i don’t know who
wrote the shit that you know
i don’t know the deal behind it but
there was one time
where i was at a urinal
it was just
him and i had a
urinal and it was like 2001 at one of
these nbt things
and it was the
first time i ever met him
he’s right there we’re pissing
right next to each other
and he’s being a nice guy he’s like
hey so joey you got yourself a hit there buddy
you know and
i’m like yeah man it’s fun it’s really good
congratulations
man you deserve it that’s awesome good for you
so he’s being a nice guy
i just wanna go what’s up with that
whole fucking bush
thing man what’s up dude
come on man the fuck dude
what are you doing what are you doing you’re not
gonna make fun of jokes about bush
cause he’s your boy
do you know what’s
going on in the
world do you know what the fuck is happening
it was weird and i wanted to say that to him it was
weird but i didn’t want to be a douchebag and i didn’t
want i mean it’s not something you can ask someone
and when you’re pissing that’s something when you
someone over your
house you know you’re not
going anywhere for
three hours you can ask him a question you know
take you delve
into the complexities of why you support one idea
or another man
i don’t really care though that’s the other
thing like he’s not one of
those guys that i mean
comedy i liked but i don’t really care what he
thinks really you know like that’s
what everybody thinks
i do to a certain degree but when i find it’s like
i don’t know
there’s something like bill o’reilly actually i
watch all the time i do too
i find him so
entertaining i don’t know what it is but i get
just a kick out of him
limbo’s entertaining too a limbo can
be i listen
it’s funny cause i like listening to both sides
actually i find a lot of left wing
radio really boring
some of it is so
ridiculous too
it’s like you know there’s
certain conversations that get into it’s like
look man you’re
not doing anything any different than the other side
you’re just being
completely ridiculous and segmented into your own
ideology you’ve got it all boxed up in
a clean package
where this is acceptable
and this is not and you’re not willing to consider
other things
yeah i like real like rachel maddow and i like yeah
i love john stewart
you know that’s that’s and
great cold bears
gonna be the
most brilliant guy i’ve ever seen in my fucking life
they’re all brilliant you know i mean
you can’t not
be brilliant to get to that spot it’s just it’s really
funny that there’s not that many people
that are like in the
right that are making fun of shit
you know yeah i’m saying
it’s not very good because they don’t like sarcasm
well norton is
a republic is he
yeah norton
goes on fox news all the time and
he’s brilliant
he’s a brilliant comic
and norn is a brilliant guy i really love that guy he’s
smart as fuck
and you know
he’s just got this real conservative way of and he can
argue it he’s very intelligent
you know but
it’s apart from him and a couple
other guys like
you know there’s so many fucking
left wing comedy shows making fun of the news
but there’s very few like
making fun of like and supporting the regime
you know i’m saying
well yeah i just
think there’s too many people in the debate
at this point like
i also think
it’s not a joke to them
none of it’s not
funny right
but you know
right it’s not
funny it’s not a joke
like the democrats like
stewart clearly supports
obama to a certain extent i mean they goof on them too
they goof on everybody they have to
right to be taken
and themselves
which is important but
clearly you know you would see
when bush was
in office he was like that was either were going
after them they were
going after
their ideas and exposing how
ridiculous they were right
you don’t see what i’m saying is you don’t see any
right wing comedians that were like
supporting bush with comedy
going after it and supporting it
you know exposing
the stories of news and this is why it’s good
and these dumbasses that don’t
understand this
this is why they’re wrong
it’s like the comedy is always
against it yeah it’s very true
i don’t know what that is the fodder
why one is fodder for
their community to
laugh at and one isn’t
but elsa did you
watch the cpac
fundraising the
other day when
they were yelling at dick cheney
call him a war code
yeah how about how
weird was it when he got on
stage and he looked
crazy he looks so different didn’t he
his face shrunk
but you know he
doesn’t have a pulse
oh yeah well he’s an animated
course no but he really
doesn’t have a
pulse is that
he’s got some new
crazy sort of
a pacemaker inside of it that just
literally flows
you put your finger like that he does not have a
pulse it’s just constantly moving through his body
that’s not the sign of the
apocalypse that the
right wing christians are scared of
yeah the one guy who
made more money and
promoted war better than anybody i mean that guy made a
ton of money
don’t they talk
about a guy coming back from the dead
in the fucking
apocalypse the
right wing christian
should be all over the shit yeah
but he supports them you know it’s
tricky little fucking
marriage oh yeah
marriage of christians and killers
you know fascinating
somehow another amalgamated
all the extremist
religions are like that i don’t want to just
point it christians yeah fucking
muslims absolutely absolutely
never thought
i wanna lose
all of them
everybody’s just everybody
absolutely awful to each other
well even if they’re
great to each
other you’re
still locked into some nutty ideology
like what the fuck are
you doing a positive
story if i could
everybody always talks
about negative
stuff about
muslims if i
could say something
the coptic christians that were getting
blown up in the churches in egypt
this is my favorite
story i saw on the news
after 61 of them were killed in alexandria
the local muslim community
offered to walk them to church
every day to protect them from attacks
yeah read about that yeah
that was like
very cool this
should be in the news morse
it’s not one being
crazy people sure
yeah small percentage and here’s some extremely
small percentage
it’s yeah but you know there’s a lot of nice christians
i’ve met a lot of good christians you know i’ve got
six different
people that shazam son sup
and i mean people that really
truly live by the principles and
believe that it you know
it’s just the dogmatic
blindness to
other people you know to anything
right to anything to global warming
you know why you so goddamn
invested in the fact that global warming is natural how
about that yeah
you know why you so
crazy it’s a natural cycle
people fucking
scream at you telling you that glow
you fucking
idiot you don’t even know
about the global warming pseudos
science and alcohol
that cocksuckers flying around in a fucking
seven million
dollar jet that guy’s making billions of
us billions really it’s a fucking business kid
it’s a business
i think it’s all a distraction global warming though
to distract us from our big worries
which is the
ocean dying and the loss of topsoil
the ocean dying is one
thing how about the goddamn garbage
patch in the middle of
the pacific oh my god
the size of a continent now
jesus yeah normals
micro pellets
it was bigger than
texas it was bigger than
texas at one
point in time and now they saying it’s like
fucking half of
north america it’s like
insanely big
they don’t even know how big it is really
cause they haven’t done like an accurate
survey they
would have to like
go around this
thing and get submarines and figure out
cause it’s like
it’s a lot of it’s
floating under the surface of the
water she can’t even see it it’s these
micro tiny micro
pellets to of the
plastics that dissolves into the usable form from one
we don’t we never even
heard about this
until like a few years ago
i remember when
they said it was the size of just manhattan
that was about
10 years ago
maybe do you
think they’ve gotten that much bigger that
quicker or were they just run away
wrong maybe they just had bad
surveying of it i mean they must be
using satellites
right it’s in the center of the pacific though
which nobody really
travels to if you look at the
shipping routes they all go
around it so it’s not even part of so weird
there’s no land or anything we are
fucking cunts well there
never used to be that much garbage so
maybe it has just happened that recently
well how the
fuck do we have a
is it water bottles is that what it is well it’s
goddamn water bottles yeah
and it’s poisoning the
ocean and how
does it get rid of it what
do you fix that
shoes broom you let
it solidify
and you turn onto a bridge that we can drive
trucks across hmm yeah
but we just
light it all on fire
solve it that’s what bp wants to do it every day
we like the
oil on fire that’s got to be better for the environment
bp thing must have
freaked you out there to
freak you out nah
at first it
freaked me out but i
was like it was
bound to happen
you know it’s
gonna happen
again we’re
gonna have another
thing just as bad i
think these mega
apocalyptic sort of environmental disasters are gonna
speed up as we’re desperately
scrounging for the last
available different
types of resource not just met we’re running out of
every type of resources
rare medals
all sorts of
things these open pit mines around the
world where you’re
going deeper and deeper
we’re just as
we scrounge
for the last little bits
we’re gonna sacrifice a
whole lot more
for how long
does it take
to make topsoil
oh top twelve takes six thousand years per
quarter inch
not how i make it bro
shit quick my
uncle he knows what to do i got the stevia
i got the grind
we’re gonna produce
you know bang some
rocks with some hammers and i take a shit on it and
leave it there for a couple weeks top
soil but oh
as we’re watching food
places right now just to skyrocket
around the world like most
recently right
twenty nine years
unbelievable 29
something crazy
some up to 300
depending on what you’re talking
about and this is this is causing
greater and
greater poverty and disparity
even though
our problem has always been distribution the
price of food is being priced out of the
a portion of
the one quarter of the
earth’s population
and we’re using less
and less land for arable resources we’re expanding out
we’re expanding
our cities out we’re expanding our mining
out and there’s less and less grazing farmland and some
countries are predicting this you look at
china right now
they’re buying up
arable land all across africa
they’re they’re
planning on this courage
that’s going on they bought out
madagascar tanzania
zambia these massive acreages
where they’re growing food just for
china right now
the us doesn’t have a
commercial entity that’s doing anything similar to this
right now monsanto being the big sort of
influencer in global
food is actually shrinking
the amount of arable
land by forcing people to use their
these fucking
genetic resource seeds
that can afford it and
those who can’t afford it don’t grow crops
we were talking
about monsanto yesterday and
the fact that
they’ve acquired
it’s believed they’ve acquired blackwater
they’ve done it through some sort of a
third party
there was talk
about them requiring it and there’s
the official
story from the people that have investigated it
they say literally there’s
no way to tell whether or not monsanto has picked up
blackwater but
what is blackwater
blackwater’s a
mercenary outfit that was
one of the most popular ones
during the iraq war they actually had to change
their name because they did so much fucked up shit
know they had
i forget they
changed the
civilians they
weren’t under
usmc a military
court justice
yeah they’re in iraq so they could do
stuff that the military get
prosecuted for like
shoot civilians in the back
stuff like that so
you know i don’t know if
again i have a new name is xe
but they were involved in a lot of sketchy
stuff you know
not all of them i think
a lot of them what we’re talking
about is like how
crazy it is that everybody talks
about how ruthless
these seed companies are monsanto especially
prosecuting people who have
their seeds who have just
cross pollinated you
know they get
in the breeze and they grow on some of the fields
and now they sue
these guys and
they you know
and you’re it’s the nuttiest
thing like they’ve patented nature they’ve patented
living things
so by genetically modifying it then they can
claim to own it
and their ideas to eventually
have that’s the only kind of food you can get
is shit that they own they’re
gonna own all the food
it’s insanity they’re patenting
human genes yes and animal genes too yeah
yeah like they patented pigs they patented
parks of they’re trying to patent parts of pigs
the um the breast cancer gene the gene that
causes breast cancer they patented and
charged universities a hundred and
fifty thousand dollars if
they wanted to use it to research breast cancer cures
and now they have an army
yeah things are
going well to you but
here’s what i wanted to ask you by
bringing up this fucking doom and gloom
do you choose
how much to
and one of the reasons why
is because this is a very
main idea that i’ve been
bouncing around in my head lately
do you choose how much negative shit you
allow to get in your head
interesting question
do you choose like i mean you look at something like
what black water did and
you know what’s
going on over here what happened to that lady in
egypt the reporter and like
okay how much of this is really affecting me
that’s a really good question because that’s
something i battle with all the time and i try to
limit my psychology of getting dark
rather than i’ll still
read everything i can
i never stop reading
about the negative
stuff but if i feel myself getting
caught in a
whirlpool of negativity
i pull myself out and do
others that’s a very good
way to look at it yeah and i try and read some positive
things i try to balance it out with good news
technology generally is
where i find good news
and i read about like guys like cams
and his inventions of
water purification
you know different
stuff i haven’t
heard this what is it oh the guy that invented the
you know the two wheeled
segway yeah
he’s doing all these
low tech devices to purify
water across africa that costs nothing to run
starting these like he’s doing all
these positive
things for the
world using
technology and there’s a lot of hope
in this section i try to balance my negative
stuff with that
yeah no that’s a good way to do it man i mean you gotta
try to as much as you can manage the kind of
frequency that your mind carries around in
but this is a good segue
to my podcast that i want you to do
for 50 minutes on which
people on ever
we haven’t put them up yet but it’s all
over interviewing all sorts of people from different
fields about how they
think the world’s
gonna end and what’s
gonna cause it what’s the
world’s not gonna end
people are so
silly if people
ended for my podcast
the world’s not
going anywhere man
or society society is
gonna morph
its look we are not amoebas anymore
and the universe
four billion years ain’t shit to the universe
four billion years is fourteen billion
since you know the big bang so you just ten more to go
nine there’s
what fourteen years
for the big bang no nine billion till the big big bang
14 billion years ago the big bang happened i
think it’s nine isn’t it no
no it’s not
and they stretched that back and forth too
well there’s a lot of times
they believe there’s a new theory that it’s a cyclical
thing and that the entire
cycle of the big bang to compression expansion is just
it goes on and on and on and on
forever oh yeah that’s been the theory for a
while but also how
do you measure time when time itself is a relative sort
of component of a fourth dimension that didn’t
exist prior to the big bang
so everything as
it’s expanding is actually kind of how do you go time
cause it’s all subjective
for anybody else
right it’s impossible to wrap your head around because
there’s time on your tail
your fucking clock
says 10 o’clock
stupid yeah but i’m
traveling at a
quarter the speed of
light so it’s actually nine
there is a measurement
you’re measuring time like people that say time doesn’t
exist that’s kind of
silly because it does it
exists when you can measure it well
it gives illustration to entropy
right it doesn’t
i think it’s not that time
doesn’t exist
it doesn’t matter
because there really is no beginning and an end that’s
all the illusion the illusion is the shit that you’re
thinking that
these distinct moments
that you’ve created like
these beginning ends
the end time
exists the illusion is us
going forward
cause it could be either directional here’s
proof that time
exists fucking cameras okay
cameras take
pictures of shit when you look different
stupid right time
exists it’s
going on it’s moving you hear that
stupid it just goes on forever
and you’re this
weird integer
in time you
know when you take a
video of something with your iphone you’re
capturing you’re capturing a very minuscule
point of something an
image of visualization from something that
doesn’t even
exist anymore
that’s why it’s the
trippiest thing to watch
videos of people that are dead now
yeah but even
us we’re not the same person we were
seven years ago
all of our cells in
every part of our body
has been exchanged for something that used to be there
except the neurons
which is fascinating because
the real question is
where are the memories held
where are the memories held
is all your memories just
second hand
stories that one cell told the next cell before
they died listen when we were a kid we fell off the
monkey bar that’s how we
broke our arm
don’t forget
don’t forget this critical
story the spear
fell on monkey bars when
sweaty palms
you know i mean how do i know that i fell off a
monkey bar when i was six and snapped my arm
i know i remember it i remember being in the hospital
if every brain cell in my body has been replaced
and it’s happened
every seven years that’s a long ass time
ago what the fuck happened how do i have this memory
but you do so a lot of the thoughts are
maybe they’re non
local maybe
memories and consciousness
maybe that’s non local
maybe the body
with the reason why when the body is deteriorated it’s
you know ineffective at recalling memories
might not just be the memories there
and stored your body so your body’s a shit antenna now
and you can’t tune into
whatever the
frequency that your life is
operating we live on naboo with the people from avatar
i’m not telling you to tune into a tree bro
that’s even
crazy for me man
that’s kind of what it’s all
yeah i wonder if
because your memory
isn’t just your
brain you have like
just your senses have a memory too right
so if you didn’t actually go through something
you wouldn’t feel like you had
i don’t know it depends how old you were when you did
some people
think that memory is something that
everything has
that even houses and trees and cars and water
yeah everything
it’s got a certain
sense of it do you know that japanese guy that does
things to water
is that real
no no it’s fake most of the science is
absolutely you can’t call it science there’s no
accurate research
yeah but i mean he’s doing it sort of an artistic
thing what he’s doing is taking
photographs of
things when he says evil
things to them
and praying for them and
thinking good
thoughts yeah that was originally illustrated the
movie down the
rabbit hole wasn’t it
yeah yeah and then
when you go online there’s a
because that was one of the after that
movie didn’t you go online and look up a lot of shit
yeah i remember
going through that when
the research behind that was there’s no been any
scientific true research that has had any effectual
well showing of that so but
does that mean that he lied
because if he took these
photos and he
really actively
took those photos no no i
think he did take those
photos but i don’t think that
we’re taking we’re
trusting somebody’s word of
mouth for hmm
you know so no one’s recreated is
what you’re saying i mean that’s what science
need seems like
it’s just water
how hard did it be to recreate that
it seems like if that was true then people
would be doing it all over the
place what do you need you need a
microscope camera a
microscope camera
and you need some water
how hard is it to get water
you know what the fuck what are you doing with the
water i’ve never been a big fan of the positive thought
sort of movements you know like a
secret yeah
if you wish hard enough it’ll happen
harry potter
generation well the really evil
thing is you know
i had a friend who was really into this
he was really telling me at one
point in time that you know he
doesn’t even lock his doors
cause he doesn’t believe in putting that out there and
i believe you create your destiny
i go yo listen to me right now
babies get shot
in drive bys yeah okay
those babies aren’t creating
their fucking destiny
they get shot in drive bys
random shit
happens to people it can happen to you don’t get
stupid and so few of
those babies were actually involved in
drug bank that
evolved yeah kind of baby zones bang
few of them but a few
one the dave
chappelle joke that i recall it was a little fuck
baby had babies
babies that’s what he’s like rocks
he talks about the little five year old on the corner
that’s when you know it’s a bad neighborhood
oh man you shouldn’t be out here you’re a baby yeah
that’s hilarious yeah
well wait have you what happened to him
he’s somebody i know nothing
about just fucking doing his
thing man really
doing comedy
he was funny he’s
still funny man he was just performing recently in la i
think he was at the comedy
store shit or maybe the
laugh factory i don’t remember but he’s you know
just trying to do comedy have a good time do a shit
seems like he’s
just not into promote himself anymore you know i
think you got
i like it too yeah he got a
ton of fucking
money when he did that show and i
think what he likes to do now is just go up and do his
thing you know how
sweet with that yeah
so he shows up like
he did a show i
think it was in seattle
where he pulled up a fucking
like one of
those little mini
speakers and a
microphone in a park
and he just sat down and just
started doing comedy and
fucking two thousand people showed up and it was it was
ridiculous so that’s you
could find it online that’s how he
started did you know
that yeah i
watched him do it once
i was working with
him when he was like fucking god he was like eighteen
years old man it was in montreal the comedy festival
and we had both done sets it was like this is like
early 90s 93 94 something like that
and we both done sets upstairs at this
place called
club soda and we went outside and when we went outside
dave just all
these people around
dave stops what he’s doing
and says all
y’all gather around here gather around here i’m
gonna do some
comedy for y’all gather around gather around
and he like
put his hat out and accept donations and shit
and he would do comedy he would do
stand up in the fucking street
i wonder if he
still accepts donations
yeah probably
not anymore no he just does it but he used to
literally he
would just go out there and do fucking stand up
after a show
to a bunch of passerby’s he
would stop them
organized and do it
apparently would do it all the time
yeah i remember
watching a sixty
minute special or
twenty twenty or one of
those new shows that were
giving a profile of him
and showing a
pictures of him on the streets of dc doing that it’s
like do you ever feel like when you see someone doing
something like that like fuck why am i not doing that
i’m going on do no not me at all man fuck that
i don’t want to just grab you and say let
me give him my attention i’m not that charming i got it
stand up because i’m shy
yeah you know
i was afraid to talk to people and then like
i don’t know and then i got into it really
cause i love sam kennison
yeah me too
fucking changed my life
he changed mine too
a girl that i worked with
changed my life by doing a sam kennison bit for me
telling me how
funny this guy was and she just saw him on hbo that
night i was we were both nineteen
and she was this really cool
chick that i worked with it was
she was hilarious
and she was
she loved that kind of comedy she goes oh my god
the fucking boston accent
this fucking guy sam canis
oh my god he is so fucking
funny yeah this is what this guy does
and so she literally
does his bit out in the parking lot the bit
about the homosexual necrophiliacs
like she’s lying on her
stomach going oh
i mean life keeps fucking the ass even
after you’re dead
it never ends
so think of like
this is my first introduction to sam kennison
it’s this girl with his
heavy boston accent
pretending to get fucked in the ass in a parking lot
and i was like whoa that’s the craziest bit i’ve ever
heard in my life i was howling laughing
and then i went
out i got a hold of the tape like a couple of months
later and then i was like wow
okay this is comedy too
like i didn’t
think that was comedy i didn’t
think that was even
an option i thought comedy was like
what you see on the tonight show it’s like you know
it must be fun to be
funny but that’s not how my
brain works i had no idea that that’s what comedy was
about i was like
14 or 15 years old my brother sent me a tape of kinesin
and he was talking
about religion and i
you heard that
i grew up really
strict and i go you can’t talk
about jesus like this i was
laughing so hard to go fuck this this is what i need
to do in my life and from a fucking former preacher the
whole thing was like the package was so
ridiculous and
a guy who was a
victim of a head injury
you know that that
changed his personality
man i read his book brother bill his brother
wrote a book
great book if you’re a kennison fan really interesting
i got i went to his
grave in tulsa
i read his book he’s
he was a regular kid and he got hit by a fucking car
and when he got hit by a car
changed him change his personality became reckless
yeah became a
different person
yeah became wild became volatile
you know something
screw got loose it’s like that
thing we were
watching the
other day about
brain injuries and how
personality
transitions that people don’t
pay enough attention to head injuries oh believe me
that’s a part of my business i’m around head
injuries all the time you see that ever do you ever
see some fighters
change over the course of
their you know
their career
radically i’ve seen people that you know
especially guys who get cut from the usa
and they wind
up keep fighting in
other organizations and they lose like a
bunch of times by
knockout it gets really
weird when you’re talking to them
because as you’re
talking to them like you can see a struggle
right you know like
we’ve all been in a situation where
maybe you just woke up or you got
a lot of shit on your mind and you’re not that good at
forming a sentence
right somebody calls you out of the blue
i’m on the news
brings up a subject you didn’t
expect yeah exactly
cameras in your face what
we can all struggle to be
you know in
articulate but
there’s a weird
vacancy are
truth when you’re
looking at someone’s eyes and you know their
brains not working that good anymore
and it’s a sad
thing it’s a sad
thing there’s a dullness to their eyes
and a struggle
and a you know
like a lost look
yeah like they want someone to help them like
those guys when they go
it’s lou gehrig’s
and alzheimer’s and all sorts of different things
when they go and it all shuts down
they’re helpless
they’re showing parts of that on
lights out holt
show yeah my
buddy holt mcallen
he’s got the
show on fx tune in please the ratings need to go up
called lights out
um fucking awesome show
but my dad was a professional hockey player
and he’s a wingnut like he’s a fucking wingnut
yeah and did he have a lot of concussions
lots he doesn’t have any
he had a hundred
twenty seven stitches in his face
doesn’t have any of his teeth
and they didn’t wear helmets back then
you know he played in the fifties
the one the stanley
cup with the detroit red wings
fifty three
fifty four damn
knuckles fucking
dad’s a bad
motherfucker yeah he’s
still a son of a
bitch because he’d come off
of the ice and then beat us up
well yeah so but
but he was nuts like in you’d see
it ever go to see your act
oh he’s never he
doesn’t even know what i do he
doesn’t even
understand comedy
people what ah
pray for your soul
like there’s just no
connection one
day peter’s
gonna get a job
he still thinks i’m
gonna be a priest
really you’ve met my wife
right you’d be a priest someday
so is he scrambled from all
those years yeah yeah
between that and the alcohol
and but i never thought of
the head injuries i just thought of that believe me man
i used to get headaches
when when i
started when i
transitioned
from taekwondo to kickboxing i was like 21 years old
i had to do a lot of boxing
and when i did a lot of boxing
that wasn’t what i was good at
taekwondo was a more kicking oriented
sport so when i
started doing boxing i
started getting a lot of headaches
man it was bad i boxed for
three years too i fucking
loved it but did you yeah did you like the headaches
i never got the headaches i
could be honest with
you really well i’m 6'4
and in my weight
class cause i was
fighting it i think
197 went 200 i was
fighting guys that were 5'4 200
so five four
two hundred pound we
fighting fucking neanderthals everybody’s
ridiculous i know i used to get the
shit kicked out of me once they got in within my reach
cause it just
be body blows nobody fucking take me down with my head
cause it just be straight through to my stomach
that’s not tall
for six four though
doesn’t make
sense that everybody is
or for 197 pounds there’s nobody’s
money boxing
i mean there’s people that are that tall
but i mean to have
so many guys who are that
short that are that
heavy that’s
really unusual everybody in my boxing club is
short every now
that’s weird
it’s by the
clone a thing
by the way it’s also
where you you know
what level boxer are you
training with you’re
training with a
bunch of killers
these in what’s the
style of boxing to some gyms they don’t
spar hard they spar
smart you know
and they control each
other’s you know
well we got
down to the taekwondo club because the guy that was
teaching down there wanting help there
because he said the guys
weren’t weren’t
punching properly enough
right enough so we used
to interchange and spa with the people in taekwondo
as i remember having a great
great little little match
going on and then the guy getting
frustrated and fucking turning around and
sweeping my legs
i gotta nowhere
well yeah people do get
frustrated when
sparring it’s such a
creepy thing it’s like you’re kind of
fighting but not yeah
you know and a lot of times it becomes
fighting but the
thing the idea
about headaches i mean i was fine
and never got
in any like serious damage or concussions or anything
like that but you know that it’s possible and it
could be coming
you know it’s like
these are the
first blows this headache that you get
what if this is
every day for the rest of your life what if you had to
drink to try to just
numb this and dull this down
and a lot of people that involved in football
and combat sports
anything anything really extreme you know
especially boxing because they take some
like you remember
terry norris
and that guy
you’ve seen him now no
scary bro scary
scary as fuck
melger taylor to
brian what are you doing
why is there
noise playing there’s music
where is it it’s out there it’s out there
how can we hear that that you’ve got the best speakers
this is 7 here when i take my ears off
i do really
that’s so weird it
sounds so loud through this
these fucking things are weird yeah
this is a really nice
setup did you do we started out really
scrubby dude we
started out with just a laptop and a webcam
and then the laptop
and the webcam of
eventually became this i want to show
red band this that bought this for our
thing and see what you think of this
brian it keeps throwing his
phone at me which means he has to go
okay so we’re
gonna wrap this up because
brian’s gotta get the fuck out of here
thank you to the flashlight if you go to joerogan net
and click the link you can
enter in the code name joe
rogan rather and you get 15 off and
this weekend yeah sure sure sure hold on
this weekend
brea improv
with joey diaz and archiefir it’s almost sold out
saturday night is already
sold out there’s only a few tickets left for friday and
sunday night is almost sold out too so
jump on that shit bitches
and pete johansson
how they get a hold of you what’s up with you
having two twitter accounts on why are you using the
wrong one yeah use the
pete johansson one the
other ones only got
a thousand people we can get you more than that today
okay well i’ve
never used the
other one because
well the pete
johansson i just took because
i didn’t want people taking the name because all
these swedish guys keep
grabbing my shit with my name everywhere
so i thought i’ll get it
right now so nobody uses
it just run with that man you know that’s your name bro
people need to follow you
well my facebook page is
where i sent most people to my facebook com
comicp okay
comic pete yeah
because i’d love to get over
get up on that number
because that has my global
travelings coming up
england lots of shows in england then
new zealand
comedy fest if anybody listens to joe in new zealand
come see me at the new zealand come on bitches you
know i got some new zealand peeps up in the house yeah
and my friend
david lee and kelowna
is a big fan of
joe rogan’s and
powerful yeah told
david lee i said what’s up runs an mma
jim what’s up
david lee what’s up
thank you everybody for tuning in
thank you everybody for
whatever you’re fucking awesome you guys rule
thanks take it easy
i got