The Joe Rogan Experience #81 - Pete Johansson

the joe rogan experience

but snap sounds so good in this echo microphone

right now people going what the fuck did we tune into

to queer snapping their fingers

what is this

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the podcast

welcome to the podcast

before we get started

thank you to flashlight our sponsor

if you go to joebrogan

net and click the link you can

get 15 off you just put the codename brogan in

and it’s a fine instrument for masturbation

we need to get them to send some more

people keep on asking guess yeah we gotta give em away

we gotta get a box but now that chris is gone i

gotta contact the new dude and

this is the only

sponsor that we have for this podcast there’s no

other way to

you know i know

some people like to put up these

donation things and donate

money we don’t have one for this podcast

but brian has one for his

death squad tv yeah and we talked about this yesterday

brian what he’s

basically doing

is making this little sort of a homemade sort of a

studio and you

know becoming like a little network

and the crazy thing is

you know we know so many

funny people we know so many

comics we know

so many hilarious dudes that are really interesting

and they’re not on the radio they

should be on the radio

you know i mean

what radio is now is

regular radio is just fucking songs

dudes don’t

talk at all there’s no personalities it’s like

kevin bean and a few

local stations in austin and a few

other places but

everywhere else

you go it’s just nonsense and then you got

satellite radio but

you know i love

satellite radio but

satellite radio is fucking hurting man

they cut back on serious cut back people’s

budgets by like eighty fucking percent or something

crazy bubba the love

sponge isn’t on anymore

it’s just crazy that we know so many

comics from hanging out that

local comedy clubs that

these guys like

tebe and all

these guys would

never ever have a chance

to ever meet

these people so it’s kind of cool doing

these podcasts

because we get to introduce you to people that we know

that you would probably never know

unless they made it

yeah and they

probably wouldn’t make it

right they probably

wouldn’t make it well love

these really

funny guys are fucking

crazy and lazy

yeah you know they’re

crazy they’re lazy

and they’re like

brian holzman perfect example

he’s a talented guy but you know who the fuck is ever

gonna hear about

him yeah you know

pete johansson the guys coming over

today he’s got like a hundred

twitter twitter followers yeah

so hilarious

hilarious guy

and you know he’s supposed to be here at

three but he thought

it was four so we decided to kick it off without him

but he’s another guy you know

hilarious comic

and what brings you to the

dance as a comic

oftentimes it’s very different

from what you need to

establish a

successful business

as an entity as

jeff foxworthy or

or you know

brian redband you know

if you wanna like

put your name out there you have to

start thinking

marketing yeah

like that’s

where like dane cook was the master

like he figured out how to do that way before anyway i

never put any consideration to any of that shit at all

i always thought we just did your

stuff and then they put you on tv and then it worked

you know you didn’t have to

worry about all that stuff

but then i realized well then you’re at the

mercy of these

other people to put you on tv

whereas the internet like i’m on the internet

every day and for whatever reason i

never thought well fuck i

should like

promote myself on the internet like i

never even thought of it you know

share yourself yeah like

that’s why constantly

updating by twitter and facebook and just

anything is

so important for a

comic and then when you talk to

these comics

and like i don’t have a twitter i don’t have a facebook

or you know

or pete as an example he has two

twitter accounts but

he has one that’s his name and one that’s some

other crazy name

escarus or something like that

and it’s like why aren’t you

using the one with your name

what the fuck is

escarious it’s the

thing i mean guys like

tebe you know

tebe’s hilarious but

tebe has never made a living as a comedian

and he’s been doing comedy for like 17 years

but he’s always had other jobs

you know it’s like what what makes your comic

often times is this

weird for sort of slacker

way of looking at

things you know like ari

ari’s notoriously lazy yeah you know i mean jokes

about it all the time

right wakes up

at four o’clock in the afternoon all the time you know

sleeps on pizza

boxes he’s fucking

crazy yeah that’s how

comics are they’re nuts yeah

but but this twitter

thing man and facebook and this u stream

thing and itunes it’s just

we’re entering into a

whole new different

world i know you know and

i guess donations are a good way to do it

really cause instead of saying you know hey i want

fifty bucks a

month or whatever the fuck you

would ever ask me

never ask for that much but

you know a year

what the hell whatever the hell you

would ask you know

like you can

get this level

membership and you can come in a meet and greet and

that’s 300 like

that always seems so fucking

weird you know yeah it’s sort of like how i feel

about like bittorrence it’s the same thing

i feel like

when i download

something you know if i download something

and i like it i always buy the band

yeah you know whatever the fuck it is yeah and the only

time i’ve ever downloaded something that i didn’t own

was when there was no

other way to get it

right like danward’s a perfect example

i saw that and i saw the cd

cover and like fuck i

wanna own that

exactly that is a

great cd and

i want that

right but as soon as it came out

i ordered it on itunes immediately i put it on

both computers

right you know

i think it’s important to

let people fucking

you know donate

things you know like

for something like this for the podcast i

think there’s

like that’s like a perfect way to do it yeah you know

don’t don’t

charge a certain amount of

money for something like that you know

that’s the future there’s enough

fucking people out there you know you can make enough

money weasel

yeah i like to donate

things so much better like the trent reznor

kind of way of doing it he puts his cds out you

could donate he even has special

limited edition cds that you

could pay for

if you want to but it’s pretty much donation based

that’s badass

that to me seems like such a fucking

even way to do it

because people

literally pay you what they

think it’s worth right

that’s how it should be

right absolutely

so ether on the

first place you know what you’re doing this

weird connection with all

these other people you know how do you how do you

quantify that in you know in x per month and

was it yeah what is it

it’s all weird

it’s easy when you’re getting paid by a tv show

or paid by a

comedy club or a theater or something like that

but with the the

crazy thing

about the podcast is you’re

going directly to people it’s just you and the people

there’s no middleman

there’s someone that’s

gonna handle the

money and put

the ones and zeros and bank accounts somewhere but

other than that it’s just you and

these people

absolutely you know

it’s a trap toad

speaking of you and

these people you hear

about that broad in egypt

uh the one i got

raped porter

fuck dude this is horrific man

especially having daughters

you know i i think

about shit like this in a different way

you know this this

chick was over there and

apparently she got separated from her camera crew and

they beat her and raped her for a half an hour i know

i mean i don’t

know the extent of the beating or the extent of the

sexual assault

whatever it was i mean

it was slight

it would have been horrific and terrifying

but it’s obviously

significant because she’s in the hospital

wasn’t she with like a cameraman in a crew

though i don’t know what happened well i

think it was

total complete

chaos i mean

you gotta think

about the situation in egypt is

they had a dictator

the same guy running

everything for 31 years

i mean this guy just

wouldn’t fucking go

and and they overthrew him with the internet

supposedly maybe

cia to the cia

probably yeah

right i don’t fucking ever

trust that anything that happens in another country

that we just let shit happen

right you know i mean

whenever like like

that valerie

i forgot how the

zero last name plan

plan p the one that

one of the it wasn’t dick

changing maybe donald romsfeld one of those guys

outed her as

an undercover cia

agent because

her husband

had done something that pissed them off testified

against him i don’t know what the circumstances were

but you know they

found out that she was an

undercover cia

agent well how many of them are there well

there might be

fucking there’s tons

tons of them we probably are friends with two of them

well i know one

there is one well i know one’s

one son for sure one

son a buddy of

mine who’s a good friend

his dad’s been the cia his whole life

and he didn’t know his dad was in the cia

till he was in his 30s right

he thought his dad worked

well i wanna say

what his dad did but

think of it this way you get on a

plane there’s at

least two undercover

marshals is on

every flight most big

planes you know like real flights not like here to

vegas you know but like most big flights

there’s like one or two

guys on the plane

and then i’ve

sat do they

carry guns yes

i’ve sat next to him before and they

start you start talking to him and then

they tell you that they are i don’t

think they’re supposed to but

they’ve done it to me and many

people i’ve talked to before have done that but if you

think of it that way that’s like one out of 400 people

and that’s on a

plane how many people in real life do we know

well there’s

definitely big difference between undercover

marshals who are there to protect your safety

and the idea

these undercover cia

agents who are just manipulating shit abroad

i mean how many of

them are working in various industries and they think

i mean that was like a

famous quote from

c one of the former heads of the cia that every

single person of any significance in

the media has been compromised

yeah definitely

like that’s

hilarious you know like whenever you see like

famous actors like at the

white house like shaking hands with people and you know

what is that all

about what are they doing i don’t know

but can you

imagine jimmy fallon having some kind of

secret cia thing

going on yeah

a lot of people

think that i mean that’s fucking some total

alex jones shit

right there

you know that’d be a good question

well i guess they

would never

say yeah but you

could look in

their eyes and see if it

blinks for a

second like

to ask who would

you just like just go up to

jimmy fallon

like hey jimmy fallon hey how’s it

going and then just

lay it on him and look

right in his eyes and just see what like if he

sees that little you see that little like what the it’s

pretty much likely that a comedian

wouldn’t be in the cia

except for dennis miller

dennis miller i

think that guy turned

he turned republican and conservative hard so quick

he became so weird

he’s like a

chill now it’s really

weird he was in a

video there’s a

video and it

was on my twitter i put it up from a few days ago

and it was bill o’reilly

and it was all about the

obama healthcare

thing that he had a guy on his show

and the guy

bill o’reilly was accusing the guy of

lying about fox news

and you know the guy was saying that

they’ve said on fox news that if you

don’t have health insurance they can lock you in jail

so bill o’reilly’s going

you know that is some part you

know this is

ridiculous you didn’t get this here like you have to

admit that you made this up

so then the

video stops and then they show a montage

of fox news reporters saying

that you can go to jail if you don’t have health care

over and over and over

and over i mean it’s embarrassing it’s

ridiculous it’s more that bill o’reilly

bluster shit you know he’s like one of those

he’s one of

those dudes who puffs his

checks out but doesn’t

think that he’s

gonna get knocked the fuck out he’s a

dummy he’s like an ego dummy

know and that’s like why he left that

crazy voicemail on that

broad answer machine when he’s supposed to be this

voice of conservative

reason and he’s trying to fuck this

chick with a loofah

sponge and shit

he’s a creep but

that’s not even the

point the point is

he says this and then they show this

giant fucking montage of

these fox news reporters

and then they show

dennis miller on bill o’reilly’s show

and this is the day

after the guy was on before this

video would come out

and dennis miller’s

going haha how

about that guy that

tried to throw that at

you the other day

you know boy i

haven’t seen a guy with his hat in his hand you know

since he comes up with some ridiculous

reference and nobody including him really


but i’m like my god did you see this video

there’s a fucking ten guy saying it

right like what are you talking

about man you know

i mean they

did it no it’s

he’s a chill

he’s a chill now it’s weird

he became like like

like a republican

like mouthpiece yeah like

he he was saying this one of the

weird things

about dennis miller

he was saying

you know i don’t make jokes

about bush i give him

a pass he’s a friend yeah like what are you saying yeah

like what are you saying i just they take care of me

it’s like when the

planes hit the

towers he’s like i

wanna be your side

he wants to be a familiar with the

vampires he’s like

those dudes that

would hang around with blade

remember and

blade would

smack them into walls and

show like that yeah and they really were trying to hook

their vampire

buddy up and then the vampire

who is stephen dorff

kills them and shows that his allegiance was incorrect

yeah should have been trying to be a

vampire bitch

get a fight

vampires you fuck you know

what i’m trying to say is dennis mill

you’re not blade

right okay you fuck


man my feet are

sweat yeah people always complain

about my slurping i’m

sorry about that

yeah brian’s rocking some crocs

today crocs sexy as fuck

fucking i’ve been at my mom’s coming over

today and have to like

there’s so much come

everywhere in my house

like everywhere

like there’s a

tissue there’s a

condiment you know because you know just crap

everywhere bongs weed just fucking

ridiculous how much

i mean and not to mention the dirt

i mean that’s the biggest part

i mean i just

cleaned out my car and i

found three

things of weed

and i could just imagine my mom like bending down

going what’s this oh

it’s marijuana

do you pretend to be someone different

when your mom’s around well i don’t

i don’t pretend

i act pretty

much exactly the same of course i don’t say

pussy farts buttholes and crap stuff

stuff like that but i’m

still weird and my mom knows i’m weird

she doesn’t know

like see that’s the problem with these

these podcast if my my

i told my mom what i was like yeah i’m doing a podcast

afterwards i’ll pick you up you know at the hotel

and she’s like uh

what’s a podcast

and i’m like oh it’s like a

radio show i do it you know

twice a week with joe and i have like five

other ones and she goes oh that’s

great i you know i i’ve been so

bored lately i can download all

these now oh

no and i’m thinking

i’m thinking fuck my life

my mom is gonna be

going through like oh i listened to spider man today

throwing cum on the walls that’s

gross brian

where did you

learn how to do that your dad

have you ever had

one of those conversations with her like a

sexual conversation

not really no

never i don’t

think so is that

you no i’ve

never really talked

about sex or anything like that to my mom

never you guys don’t talk

about sex at all

no she’s very old fashioned church once a week quilts

uh you know she has a farm

and she gardens

and doesn’t she have like 56 k she likes rhubarb

she has 56 k mode on it so she

should never be able to listen to the podcast no

but she just got

a i taught her how to teeter

so i got her this verizon windows

phone and she now can

tether to her lap

or her computer

and now she can get internet

using verizon’s data network you

tether by tethering

so now she’s actually can download podcasts and crap

like that i’m kind of fucking in

trouble because

i mean it sucks

so yeah so is she

gonna listen

i’m going to have to talk her out of it i

might say that we just talk

about you know

we cuss a lot

i’ll have to say yeah we cuss a lot

and it’s just tell her it’s mostly

about guys and

fucking yeah it’s

about sports and

cussing and

asshole punching and shit like that just said

just give her one example of one of the most extreme

things that joey diaz

has ever said mom we have a lot of

black guests

we talk about black cock

at least 50

of the time

yeah it fucking sucks but so yeah i ran out of the

house wearing crocs

these are my like

cleaning shoes

totally forgot

until i got out

at your house and it’s what

weird do you own them at all

well it’s good for

cleaning like if you’re running

around like taking

trash out like mopping

floors and what what size

shoes do you wear uh tens

i’m wearing the lebanon

try them on oh

dude church right on

i don’t want to try them on

this is the

wrong size and they’re

sweaty like

jelly meanwhile i don’t mind doing jiu jitsu

you know if i actually thought

about what jiu

jitsu was while i was doing it

while someone

sweating on you because it’s like a man’s

chest sweat

right on your face all the time

you know it’s very rare in

light that you get a man’s chest wet

on your face for more than

twenty minutes if you’re not homosexual

and or italian

seems like you

would be like a lot

italian guys always have

shirts off with

the you know and you’re just always around for

twenty minutes holding on your head yeah

wearing wife

peter takes a long time

to get a guy that’s

sweaty brian

it ain’t that easy now when you’re playing

stick ball joe and

the streets

of new york

i played stick ball when i was a kid yeah

i love it so ridiculous

funny east coast

he’s i’m trying to what

did use as like like

you know first base

second base

third of it

did you used to like lasagna

boxes or something we use whatever was around you know

whatever was around you know sometimes you’d use a car

like first base was the corner of this car you had to

touch the bumper

you know and second

it would have sucked if you

lived in our neighborhood

right because

first of all there was like

when i was growing up

and in fact

when i lived in jamaica playing

especially because

i was a poor neighborhood and there was a lot of

crazy kids there

you know and

we would play on the street

all the time like you

would literally go outside your

house and you go into the

street and the

street was the playground

we would play

stick ball in the

street we would play catch we

would do like

crazy hide and seek

things and shit

we played right in the

street all the time

so if your car was parked in the

street your car was in a playground

i mean balls were

bouncing off your car and

louis had to stop games

because cars were coming i mean that was like standard

standard was the kids played in the streets do you

think if you had

video games when you were a kid you

would not be playing stick bog

oh for sure

stickball industry must be hurting with

the marble industry it was also

it was also that you know it’s so it’s

awkward you know when you when you’re fourteen it’s

when i was in fourteen it was

twelve or eleven

it’s easy to hide

you know it’s easy to hide when you’re shy

when things bother you

right you know

these boys out there you don’t know who they are they

might beat you up fuck

this i’m staying inside it’s easy but when you can’t

then you’re

forced to go outside and you’re forced to like

interact with all

these people but if i had

video games back then

and i was nervous at

going and hanging out with

these weird puerto rican

kids and these

you know that’s fucking

irish hooligans there was like

these fucking hooligans in my neighborhood

i went from living in

florida we lived in gainesville in

like a university community because my dad was

going to school

and he transferred over to the

architectural institute of boston

and when he

i forget what it’s called

that might not be the actual name but anyway

he when he transferred over to that we didn’t have any

money and so we

lived in this really

shitty neighborhood it was our fucked up house too

and it was just

a lot of bad kids man just a lot of bad kids

like kids were

drinking already hardcore

at like thirteen

they were getting fucked up they were having sex

like i’ve never been around anybody that was had sex

and they would

they were all fucked

they were all fucking and they were fucking this one

chick that lived up the street

she was 20 and she

would fuck anybody

so these 13 year old kids

would go over and fuck her and it’s like whoa

this girls knew how to

dress too they had like the cut off jean

shorts with too many holes in it you

could just see her butthole and you’re just like dude

so funny that you say that she

always wear cut off jean

shorts with bleach

remember used to bleach your

jeans like i said just pour bleach on my

jeans in my basement and

just sit there overnight and then wash them and they

would just be these big

white spots all over your

jeans how ridiculous is it

gonna be when you look back in time at these

jeans that you’re wearing

right now with

artificial holes in them no i fell off a

motorcycle joe what are you talking about

i stitch it back together yeah you know

times are kind of

tough right now

meanwhile you pay

extra for these

jeans that are fucked up i don’t know if you pay

extra anymore i

think you’re used to but now i

think that’s the normal when you pay

extra now to not have them

fucked up i

think it’s backwards now like

skinny jeans and shit like that

colored jeans

door dash purple coat jordans

are way more expensive than just a jean that has

a hole in it i don’t get it i can’t wear most of the

jeans in the

first place cause i’m

built like a

troll right

so i have to wear

jeans that have wide legs wow

you should try the stretchy

jeans have you seen

they’re like they’re like pajamas

skinny jeans

i wanna get

skinny jeans

sometimes i see a guy

working at a kiosk for verizon he’s got the

skinny jeans on

right with his little reading glasses

and i wish i

could look like that for a day

i can’t with my fat stumpy

troll legs so

i buy lucky

jeans plus i

like it when you unzip it says

lucky you you know

i like that i

think that’s

hilarious yeah

oh thank you joe lucky you

about the friend to get some dick

about the friend to get some dick

if you’re around this weekend

we’re doing the bray

improv brian’s

gonna get up

we’re gonna get him

super baked like we always

do and push him onto the stage

i’m just it’s like running with weights on kid okay

it’s like first day jiu jitsu

class you’re

gonna get tapped out alright this is what’s

going on you’re

gonna have to go up there

you’re gonna have to

learn you’re

gonna have to

learn how to jedi knight this

motherfucker it was

weird how bad my

nerves hit me in uh florida that

the first time i went on

stage remember i said my stomach hurt

i was in pain like somebody

felt like somebody

stabbed me and

twisted it and

ripped my insides for like a good 20 minutes well

when did we

tell you that you were

gonna go up was it

right before you went up yeah

right before

that’s probably what it was

if you had the

whole day to

think about it and

prepare yourself

but when it’s like

ready go then you’re like

oh shit this is too much this is too confusing yeah i

think i’ll be good now i go up so much now it’s it’s

i think that west palm

beach was just so huge that was like 700

800 people that’s

they had 650 i

think they had tv

screens halfway through though and had the

whole ufc thing were like halfway through people were

watching the tv

screens and talking more than they were in the front

there was a lot of times

where i was like yeah i did good but

then you talk to somebody that was sitting in the back

it was all right man

you know like it was

weird because people talked in the back i don’t know

that’s the people on the

front yeah that’s a weird

shape club too it’s not that it’s so big

it’s weird shape it’s a

great club and we had a good time there

but when you get a big

anytime things get too big

it gets real risky

you know that’s why we had to stop doing the

house of blues

when we were doing people

standing up we

would do it and

the show would

turn to chaos

because everybody

that was sitting down it was cool but there was

500 people that were standing

and it’s really hard to corral

that many people once they’re drinking

and once there’s

other people talking and milling around like a bar

but you feel like you’re at a bar

like when you’re at a bar you’re not quiet

like you know and when you’re

watching comedy on a tv even though it’s in

front of you

that’s not cool

that’s i think

i think four

hundreds the max four

or five hundred people

max well we talked

about larry the

cable guy who does like football stadiums that’s just

weird that’s insane

that’s incredible

i mean i need to see that i saw it on josh wolf’s phone

he showed it to me because josh was opening for

him and he goes look at this we did a football stadium

and i looked at him and i’m like that

doesn’t even look real

there’s so many fuck is that work though

i mean i would

think that that’s just your no one’s

you have to all be

quiet a stadium of

people have to be

quiet going

me speaking of

quiet i forgot to shut my refrigerator up

it just seems like if it’s a stadium

and everyone’s not being

quiet it’s just a clusterfuck

of people talking and having fun

and then there’s a guy in the middle talking

how does that work that just does

not seem like it works

they’re just such huge fans of his that they could

never get enough

shows in at a a theater

like you and even a fucking

arena man even like the staples

center i mean think

about what he’s doing

he’s doing like

three full staples

centers a night and

how does seinfeld do that like

let’s deal with like tacos

i mean how does that

work with that many people that just seems like

it just does a shit it

never works as good

the real bottom line

about a big big show

is there’s something that you gain

because there’s

so much energy and there’s so many people

but there’s

something that you lose like there’s a little bit of a

connection that you lose

and that’s like i’ve

never done anything like that the most i’ve ever done

is probably those

kevin and bean shows we did like six or

seven thousand people

yeah that’s pretty

fucking big

those were awesome

but like that’s

about as big as i’ve ever done that’s pretty

crazy in and of itself

you know but when you talk

about fifty

fifty thousand

how the fuck do you

how do you connected

fifty thousand people

seems impossible it seems like you

would have to do it with music and

they were all high as fuck

then i think you

could pull it off or if they

passed out like mouth like

things over

their mouths you

had to take

their mouth off you

don’t want to be too far

from them though that’s the

thing the thing is the distance if you can

figure out a way to get 50 000 people

all on top of you like

maybe you were in like some

sort of a balcony like on tron

no bottom to it and you

enter into this giant

void of people

where there’s like a hundred

star levels

like the star exactly like when

luke skywalker

when he got his hand

chopped off yeah

that kind of shit yeah

that’s the only way

would work yeah you’d have to have people

everywhere they couldn’t just be

just in front of you

right this doesn’t make any

sense does it no no

i just think you

can’t have too many people to show it won’t be the same

thing i like fucking

three hundred people i always say that

three hundred people is the most

you know i like

sal’s we do

sal’s comedy

holds like eighty people

you know yeah

we’re gonna do that

every week folks

not this wednesday

cause we when i want to overstay

welcome not

today yeah tonight

but next week

and it’s almost sold out already

is it really yeah and and if if

once i get the

guest list completely a hundred percent

it’s gonna be probably the biggest

coolest show

i’ve seen yeah we got a

crazy line up

we can’t we can’t even say who’s on the lineup

the people are

weird like that comments

don’t want to like i don’t

want anyone to know that i’m working on new material

just go up there and eat dick

every now and then yeah come on

we gotta try new shit

you know these clubs like little clubs like sal’s

the best for

trying out shit

little like tiny little intimate rooms

you know you really know if it’s

right you know

i like what doug benson though said

the last time sao’s comedy pull

because of the pullaway

that was so

funny yeah he

freaked me out though

cause he said it

right before i was

going on stage

you know when you’re

about to go on

stage and you’re trying to get into your family

line and someone’s just talking to you yeah

south comedy

poles you call it cao’s comedy

pole and i was like whoa

gotta get away from you quickly

you’re gonna

enter into my head

you know when you’re going on

stage now do you have a very specific

thing that you try to say right away

you’ve been

doing it pretty

steady now for what six

months now yeah

i know i pretty much

at sal’s every day i just pretty much

tried new ways

to do bits or all new bits like just practicing like

see if there’s something there like

you know at

least at least

if there’s a reason to go forward

on certain bits

and then sometimes it’s like last

night i just thought of this

whole new way to do all my bits like

a story that goes over all

these little stories like another

layer i guess

to make it sound more natural

so that was a huge step in

my stand up last

night was just doing it

doing my act now different

that makes it more real instead of

going hey i was in this

hotel in vegas last week

which was true

but it also

sounds like i’m doing a bit

so now i have this way that i’m

talking about my mom doing

these podcasts and

stuff like that

and then i start kind of

going into bits

of things i’ve talked

about on the

podcast do you find yourself wanting to make

errors in your personal life so that you have material

do you ever like

think about calling

dating porn stars do you ever like

look at your

phone and think

watch i really

should keep her out of my life but

i need a new five minutes

and just called no

i have never i’ve

never thought

of that as for bits or anything but i

think i’ve thought

of that just to keep life interesting

definitely well as long as you’re

drinking life’s

gonna be interesting

that’s right

fine yeah you’re

gonna fuck up you’re

gonna do some

stupid shit you’re

gonna make some impulsive decisions

as long as you’re drinking

life will be interesting as long as you’re out

every night

yeah you know life’s

gonna be interesting yeah you

have things to talk

about yeah yeah you

never have to

worry you’re

gonna do something

stupid yeah

absolutely you know

especially if you’re single and trying to

prove yourself to girls and you’re

still not sure

even that it’s just being out of the

house and not

watching tv but

drinking when you’re

drinking and you’re trying to make

something happen with a girl i mean come on oh yeah

you know that’s

where it gets the most

ridiculous right

where most of your materials come from right

i want to do another

blackout cast but i want to do it with like a

celebrity girl like i want to get somebody like lindsay

lohan like hey

you want to do this

blackout yeah let lindsay lohan

definitely wants to do that

brian it seems like an awesome idea no that

would be on your fucking you

stream thing that

would be like the best

thing ever i mean if i

could no no that

would be the best

thing ever a tree with

money on it that

would be the best thing ever

the best thing ever

would not be lindsay

lohan you just

haven’t been there

while it’s happened

you know i’m saying i mean it like the last ice

age where fuck if i just live ten thousand years ago

no you just have to live ten

blocks away

if you just knew the

right people you

could have been

partying with lindsay

lohan yeah yeah yeah but i

think just as a podcast how amazing

would that be do it bottle


with lindsay

lohan i don’t

think you’d be that mean you

would listen to it

no i would listen to clips that they put on youtube

if you guys said something stupid

but i wouldn’t i

wouldn’t listen to the whole two

hours of it

didn’t you meet her once

you had it yeah you mean i

drank with her

you drank with her tell me the whole

story what happened

my friend michelle

sure you yeah that’s cool i

say the first name

she was having like

she told us to go to this club

where there was like it was a bondage bar i

think i’ve talked

about this before where

there was like

naked girls

crawling on this net

above you like on the ceiling

and there were

naked girls

serving you

drinks and dancing around but it wasn’t a

strip club it

was just a bar that you were allowed to like a bondage

bar or something i don’t know what it was called

but anyways

we’re going there and we

go to this table and it was

one of the service

table like tequila and

a person making

drinks around it

and i was just hanging out there and

suddenly i just looked to the

right of me and i’m sitting

this was lindsay lohan’s

table and i

was like i guess they knew each other and

and so i’m just

standing there staring at her like

i’m just dazed off like oh my god that’s lindsay lohan

and it was one of those

things where she

started staring at me like

why is this guy staring at me and my eyes were like

glazed over and i didn’t

realize it and then she just did that face like the

what the fuck dude

you know typeface

i’m like oh

hi how’s it going

and i said something like

small talk and then she just like turns around

walks up this door the back

alley door passes out in her car

the next morning on

tmz there was the

famous picture

where she’s passed out and she’s like

like drooling on the side of

inside of her car

that was the

night that i was with her and she was just

drinking so much

tequila that you that i guess

but then the next day i

tweeted something like

this is what happens when you hang out with red band or

something i posted that photo

dude how how

ridiculous i

think i heard the doorbell by the way

really yeah

you wanna go check

yeah go check

pete johansson is supposed to be our guest and

pete’s one of those motherfuckers that

brings his girlfriend everywhere

all right you know he ain’t here yet so i’m

gonna throw him out of the bus

it’s ridiculous man i know you got a

girlfriend you know you can

leave her at home every now and then

yeah there’s my doorbell

some people man they just bring their

chick everywhere she’s really nice but you know

if i was gonna bring my chick i’d say hey can i

bring my chick over to your podcast is that okay

let’s see if she says something

stupid i don’t think she will she’s nice so um

he’s in the middle i met pete johansson at

yuck yucks comedy club in vancouver he’s a very

funny guy and i had

heard that he was a funny guy actually before that

i think doug stanhope knew him

and we went up there and did some sets at yuck yucks

and it was a lot of fucking fun we had a good time

pete johansson’s here ladies and gentlemen

it’s coffee is for closers

yeah bring her in

well she’s got to come in because she can’t wander

the house my wife a freak

mrs rogan’s a pitbull you can’t

have random chicks wandering around the house

hey what’s up sup what’s up

welcome aboard

peter hansen

is a typical comedian i called them at eleven

i called them at one

motherfucker was

still sleeping

what time did you

sleep till two

till two yeah your mic’s not on yet is it on now

sure oh man i

think there

you go there you go

little wind

protector yeah pop

shields baby we’re all

about protecting people’s ears

you woke up at two

yeah fucking

solid solid

stand up comic

right there

bunch of weed last

night and got in

the hot tub and had a little post valentine’s day sex

and then did melatonin tmi

tmi tmi tmi

two people in the room they both fucked what’s up

i don’t need to know

about all these things

hey you’ve created two life forms of joy

celebrated life forms celebrate

celebrate the life forms

so um pete is well

pete and i originally met we need a cup you need coffee

why don’t you talk to brian real quick get your cup

alright man thank you oh alright joe’s get me

so how long you been in la for i’ve been two weeks man

oh it’s cool yeah how about you

eight years

when you get when you guys

going back next tuesday back to

london and then just freaking

traveling for six

months that’s cool


travel so are you on the road all the time

you travel all the time you’re doing a

stand up comedy all the time yeah pretty much how’s it

going like are you doing basically

places or oh yeah that’s awesome

i’m i’m doing really well

everywhere but the us you did

except the us

do you spend a lot of time

doing the clubs in the us or you just don’t have any

any kind of

connection this is my

first this is my

first i got less

connections i just stopped playing the us

about five six years ago i just i don’t know just

i bought you a mad tv cup

this is a part of hollywood history

i presented for you mad tv

i went to i went to network

on mad tv and i faked a

migraine so i didn’t have to do my

final audition

and i just went home

cause i didn’t want to be on the show

dude good call

i have had two friends from mad tv

bobby lovey and

brian callan who’s one of my best friends and i met

him on it yeah and

both of them talked

about the nightmare

i just the lady that was casting it

i don’t want to

say her name or anything but she was a winged man yeah

i’ve met some nutty casting ladies

most of them they wanted to be do you want something to

drink too no i’m good you good

most of them

wanna be uh actors but for whatever reason

it just never

cracks and then they have this weird

power over people

where they just decide whether or not you have a career

well this one wanted to

sleep with me

always yeah

yeah if you

start taking me to

parties before i even got the show and introducing oh

dude you gotta tell

me her name no wait

i’ll tell you off there but i bet it’s the same one

she we got after a

party she comes into the

cabinet i go well i met this girl she goes

it doesn’t matter she sits on my lap

she’s got no panties on what what

color is her hair

blond yes you


yeah how old is she

about late thirties at the time

no no order

early thirties

early thirties

two thousand

and 99 okay

that sounds like the

right girl we’re

gonna have to talk off air yeah yeah

definitely off air but but i knew one was a man eater

i met a couple yeah

so this chick

tries to get you

yeah and she

puts her hand in your lap

oh she sits on my lap and

she’s got no panties on she’s just riding her vagina

up and down like a nice little uh

like i guess

sort of like a bobsled

up the just

snail tracks yeah yeah

thinking that’s the

magic move to

really get me oh well i didn’t know you’re

gonna put your wet vagina on my thigh now i mean

she’s just giving you the

green light i

think for a lot of dude that’s all you have to do

i know but i just met another girl like

just prior to it

right couldn’t

and i had this

moral conundrum and good for you yeah it’s

weird she would have been in your life you

would have been a little

bitch yeah she

got your little

things here and there you

would have had to eat her ass it

would have been terrible

i love eating ass i don’t even care if i know somebody

do you want to be in the room for this

you should see

her ass it’s like a fucking a little heavenly dot

okay what did i say earlier

oh too much


it looks like the

skull i used to have

most of this is

gonna be on itunes

so people can’t see what the fuck we’re talking about

we do this part of it is for you

stream now and you

stream is like oh

like not even a

quarter of what it

is not even

close a very

clearly an eighth and it

sabotages our itunes anyway so it’s kind of like well

people like it though

a lot of people like just watching

you know they like doing it at work

you know they

like to tune into it almost like it’s some

weird fucking ghetto tv show

i guess the new

thing is subscribed

subscriptions anyway so

it’s not about views it’s

about subscribe subscribe subscribe

this is a this is the camera

right here yeah this is like

when i get the free chat sort of

thing on the

girl on the bed going

like this yeah

yeah do you

yeah if you explain it to my wife they’ll

start recognizing her and going over to ichat

do you do you ever do those

those video

things i do

i do with my wife

you do with her oh when you guys are on the road yeah

skype pretty

nasty ones but what is up with those

those chicks that like they sit in

their room and then they just

do requests

from guys on the internet is that what they do

yeah it’s like

you rent a room it’s kind of like

doing a private

dance with a stripper but you do it on

video you know give credit cards and you

could tip if

hey like put this in your butthole i’ll give you an

extra 20 it’s kind of like you know

how big of a business

is that it must be huge that’s pretty much what

porn stars are

relying on to live

right really yeah

with piracy

right now i

think people want the intimacy

issue of those

things and that’s

where they make the most of the

money cause

everybody just pirates all the porn right now

right yeah and none of the

studios are making much

money i was just a friend of mine runs

bluebird which

is one of the bigger

porn companies and

the piracy is killing them yeah of

course it was a huge business you’re talking about

their business has been gutted

it’s really kind of

funny because

who decides what business is

worthy of a bailout you know

yeah we talked about that

you know if you think

about that man

who’s been hit

harder than the porn companies yeah the valley

could use some lifting

yeah it’s weird though i mean

why is it okay

if this part of the economy fails in this not

like why is that

same it’s considered

you know it’s considered like

cigarettes it’s considered a advice

yeah really though i mean

it’s a weird call when it gets to like billions

it’s in the billions of dollars

and it’s dissolved and it’s done through piracy

first of all

no one gives a shit

about the piracy

like all those sites you porn euges

from what i

understand the laws of like copywriting clips

it’s not that it’s like really difficult

to copyright sex

all of those

type you porn

triple x tube all

those things

as of two weeks ago joined with the porn companies

really yeah is a huge consortium they’re coming on

board together and it’s a

major announcement the porn industry yeah so

fucking how

do you know

this yeah fuck sucks

why does it suck because that’s not my kind of porn

oh look i want what’s i

porn doing i want the fucking

no i want the fucking

you know hey i just

broke up with my

girlfriend here’s us fucking

videos i don’t want these

fake bitches you

keep butter

i know i got some i got some

freaking massive stuff

so you like the amateur

shit you like

the amateur

really obvious yeah

just two people at a

video camera it’s like watching

a sitcom nowadays

and watching a reality show to me almost

you know i can’t

watch a sitcom anymore

i really fucking

it’s really hard like there’s

things like

kirby enthusiasm that i like because that’s

more realistic

you know then

right then a laugh

track and a

you know set up

punchline yeah

no one talks over anyone ever

doesn’t work

anymore what

about like different countries

sitcom so like

i feel that way

about american but what

about peep show

have you ever seen peep show no no they do kind of work

better for me just because it’s a little bit different

you know i don’t get the cheese and all that as much

what is it a european

show it’s a british show it’s hilarious is it peep

show yeah peep show is really good

a lot of people

were reluctant to try that british comedy out i love it

especially the office is

one of the first ones that i really caught on to

the original office

that’s brilliant

i loved extras

stephen merchant as the

agent and extras

just freaking brilliant

i got your vase for whatever reason was

never really on my

radar i just

never paid attention

until i mean everybody always said the office was

great but i

never watched it

until that fucking

speech at the golden globes

was crushing everybody and then i said all

right well this guy’s fucking hilarious you know i’m

gonna pay attention to him now

my buddy opens

for him on the road on his tour stuart francis

just says he’s a brilliant guy to hang out with

just really vested in

he never was traditionally a

stand up and he’s one of

those guys that fell in love with it

after the fact and huh

you know how like

other people get into this and exploit it

after their fact like the screech

it can i say

these people

sure you know

those shit bags

yeah and they come on and they try to make

their money off of their

former variety

whereas he felt

he’s notarized so he came into stab because

he realized it was a platform that just challenged him

and his actual his

standup he’s really pushing himself to be as good as

stand up as possible and i kind of respect that on some

levels yeah for sure how long has he been doing

stand up then i

think about

three years

oh really so before

he was just a writer and you know did like acting and

stuff mm hmm

yeah there’s a lot of people that don’t do

stand up that

could do stand up i always tell people you know it’s

not just a matter of time just

figuring it out it’s just a rhythm of

frequency you

gotta figure out how to

anybody could do it yeah janet derman

we need to get her on the podcast we need to

yeah we were like hey you need to do comedy because i

think she hasn’t

the point the

crazy porn star

yeah yeah yeah

not her i mean

she’s totally somebody that should

start doing comedy

yeah she’s very smart yeah

yeah i mean you read that from her

tweets yeah she has some smart shit

have you read

wendy kobayashi’s tweets who

kim kobayashi

who’s that the funniest girl

tweets on the internet she’s from japan

she’s this off the dark twisted

it’s very funny

girl worse than bree

olsen’s have you read bree

olsen’s twitter

yeah yeah have you yeah bree

olsen’s twitter is

ridiculous it’s all loads and dicks in her

and i which is so

fuck me or i just

fucked it’s

well kim’s funny though like she’s satir

she’s funny too

she’s funny in that

bang look at that

something oh this is good coffee did you

make this yeah it’s kona coffee bro it’s from hawaii

filtered through raccoons butts

mm hmm this is the

stuff they pull out of meerkats no i’ve had that stuff

i made brian

drink it before i told him when it was yeah

it was pretty good it’s very good very nutty

yeah it’s called copi lua

sorry we haven’t seen that yet well you

haven’t seen the medical weed yet no we

haven’t we’ve

i don’t want to get my name on a list

oh because the it

just depends pussy

it just depends

how high you are on the list i have to explain what

my wife’s canadian

right and we’re gonna get

her american

citizenship when we come back in september

yeah so i don’t want any risk

of anything all

right well one

thing you’re talking

about is something that you’re scared to be on a list

that if you

get caught smoking

outside it’s a 79

ticket like who cares

that’s like

i’m on a list for yeah

but you don’t

because he’s

from another country yeah immigration is different

yeah but it’s a

medicine it doesn’t

matter it’s a

federal it’s illegal

still yeah he’s

right yeah i mean

until we’re

fully taken over by the us

yeah we have to

honor your laws that’s

yeah you’re

never gonna be

taken over because we need a

place to escape

yeah it’s always

gonna keep it separate

that’s okay with an h

i’m firing up the volcano that’s what you hear in the

background look at that yeah

what is those

that’s one we almost bought in amsterdam

we spent our

honeymoon in amsterdam

holla atcha boy yeah i

heard you’re not allowed to buy mushrooms anymore

we were there the last day you

could get mushrooms for

legal we did oh it was awesome

the last day yeah

you know why

cause two french girls fell off of a bridge and drowned

you know come on

insert bill hicks joke

you can still buy truffles

oh yeah you can

still buy the roots of the of the mushroom

you can’t buy them that do anything yeah yeah

they screw up but you have to eat more and it

tastes worse hmm

you eat more and taste worse yeah yeah

yeah he’s

warming ouch

hit it okay this this will be good for the drive home

okay don’t hit it you want to hit it sure

this is just tobacco right

yeah it’s totally tobacco it’s herbs and spices

oh that must be a menthol

i had an email from a guy who said you shouldn’t smoke

the marijuana on the podcast

it’s like athletes i don’t want to see them training

i just want to see them competing in their

sport i’m like what a fucking bizarre analogy

like that makes zero sense

that’s the kind of analogy that you

would get from someone who would tell you not to

smoke pot on a

podcast where you’re obviously baked out of your head

yeah i need to get a volcano you need to get a volcano

if there’s anyone in the volcano company

no they ain’t gonna give you anything free bitch

they’re not watching this

we have the different type of

vaporizer we have the wooden case one

yeah those are good too they did but

they burn out

really quickly do they well you’re a fucking

savage you’re burning out vaporizers

jesus we’re on number three right now really

dude it might be time to call doctor drew

burning out wait i gotta chill out i

gotta go pick up my mom at the hotel oh yeah

brian’s getting baked as fuck

his mom’s gonna come over his house with a

black light and search for loads

he’s gonna see

tron it would

have been way better if i didn’t cough on loads

your entire room would look like tron

with all the black light

reflection just like

streams of races you ever watch

those shows on the wall like a little

stupid it would be

a maze i could probably play a game

you ever watch those exposes

where they go to hotel rooms and scan everything with

black lights i hate that horrific for somebody

that lives in hotels you live in

hotels too like i can’t deal with that like

crazy they showed this

thing about bacteria content of the covers

cause they never washed the

covers in the or the cups have you ever seen the cups

cause they don’t take the cups down to the dishwasher

they fucking sit there and wash

them in the sink and sometimes people are just like

wash it out put it in there

they fucking like took a

sample off the cup and it was like

crazy shit like

feces and like

it was bad yeah i

think was feces

everywhere in line or something

so how many people are

naked just sitting around with their

naked asshole

touching the

couch and touching the office

chair come everywhere i had

friends stay at my

house that did that

hey wait why are you kicking me what do i do

a friend who stayed at your house just

left his fucking

wet butthole

all over the

place my kitchen

counter naked what

his butt on it

i see one of

those guys trying to be

funny you know

those guys who

tries too fucking hard why do you hang out with

naked guys i don’t

we don’t get

along anymore this is a

while obviously

they try too hard

i asked him to

leave and he couldn’t

understand why

it’s a very

weird thing when people don’t

wanna leave

yeah you know

you have someone over your

house you tell them to

leave and they’re like i’m not

going anywhere you like oh fucking what is this

what is this we’re at my

house and i don’t want you here but you

wanna stay you fucking strange asshole

that just says that you have too nice of a place

is that what it says no i

think that’s what it says you

have a shitty anti room that you don’t let people past

where nobody’s comfortable yeah

i think what i’m saying is some people just don’t

wanna be rejected

no that’s true that’s the problem with

women when they

break up with men

right it’s always obsessed like fucking

nutty men you know

that’s gonna be the hardest

thing ever when

chicks break up with guys they just

don’t let it go they keep fucking chasing them down

hmm i don’t know if i’ve had that happen

to you yeah

you mean as a girl

are you a woman

oh i thought you were talking to the

other direction man i’m

sorry yeah well i’ve

never i’ve never

freaked out and chased down a

chick either but

i was talking to a guy the

other day and

he seemed like a real nice guy

and just moved

out here from new york blah blah blah we’re talking

and it just

starts going on man

was living with this girl man

everything was

going great

and then one day

she cooks me dinner

and she tells me uh she

doesn’t think it’s

gonna work out like what the fuck

you fucking cook me dinner for this

you sent me to

and then so then he like

he goes into like this

other fucking

heartache this other

heartbreak and he couldn’t fucking eat and he lost

thirty pounds like he keeps

going in this

heart one heartbreak

after another

know because

i’m sympathetic i’m like wow man that fucking sucks

so he just keeps going

and i’m like damn dude at the

third one the

third one you

might want to get a mirror

you might want to get a

mirror and just record yourself

talking to people and play it back when you’re high

you know like does that seem douchey

do you seem

crazy are you

are you obsessive are you

annoying are you fucking wearing people out

are you an emotional vampire

you know what are you doing are you in energy leech

what the fuck man you can’t have that many terrible

heartbreaking relationships

where girls dump you

well yeah without

taking just

don’t want to dump you dude okay girls

like guys that are nice and they’re fun and they’re

they’re gonna get

their shit together

they also want guys that are confident

too you’re not confident girls run for the hills

yeah and especially if you don’t make them feel like

they’re having fun i mean life is supposed to be

about you get a

bunch of people together you all

enjoy each other’s company

you have fun

if you got someone who’s like creating artificial

drama and you feel better when you’re not with them

just a matter of time for you wise

enough and kicked

out how did the curb

step if you’re not in love with yourself

first oh you do you

should have a fucking


speeching career

you should do you

should have a cd you

should be late at

night i can see you a

suit and a tie

maybe a wacky tie something with polka

dots but you

you’re so happy and smiling nobody cares

i mean look at my mansion remember that guy the fucking

vietnamese dude with so real estate it’s like

yeah look at my car

look what i have here

i can do that

voice cause my wife’s asian

what was his

name what was that guy’s name you know all the

asians what’s his name

you guys are tight right yeah

you guys all work together to take over the

world what’s

the deal with the little

shark got the money

the guy was on the late

night thing

where he was selling

whatever was on my phone

somebody’s phone

the guy the late

night thing he was selling real estate

yeah yeah he had the two girls with them in

the car and

like a rolls royce or something like that

it’s funny because that’s all

first generation immigration to the us always has that

reflective of the

idea what they

think the us is

versus what it truly is

right you know and that

first reflection view of it is it’s just

lots of flashy wealth

tell me pete johansson as an outsider

as a non american

what is it you’re both

you’re a double agent

remember what we were saying

earlier about cia

i’m a cough

i’m a sleeper canadian

so what is america america is

is actually

sounds corny but america the

thing that separates

americans from everybody else is that sort of

sublime unkillable hope

like they always

say like if you meet american eventually

someday they all believe that one day they’re

gonna be rich

and they vote now in case

for when that’s

gonna happen

canadians don’t

think they’re

gonna be rich ever

wow we’re just

as long as we don’t get

fired at the post office you know

is that why canadians

are friendlier

is that why

they’re friendlier i mean is it good to have

that hope and be cunty because you’re chasing it down

i don’t know what’s better to be

completely honest

with you because

i mean some of the

greatest things in the

world have taken

place because of that ambition

right you know

at the same

point some of the most


things in the

world take place because

i think of a

lot of the canadian principles and ideas we’re very

compassionate people yeah it’s a fine fucking

dance isn’t it yeah

it’s like it’s a fine

dance between the two ideas

and that the problem with the american is it that

that go get it and go get them

fucking chase down your

dreams all that

leads to a lot of douchebags well yeah not everybody

i mean not everybody who’s ambitious is douchey

about it well this is the

harry potter

generation too like

everybody expects

these great

things to show up now

and that drive to create

doesn’t exist anymore

like i mean we’re raising our

kids telling them special without telling them that hey

you’re not special you’re all exactly the same but

you can work hard and become special well they’ve also

introduced this new

thing the celebrity lottery

by way of reality shows now

it’s literally

the lottery

because you’re not talking

about anybody with any

talent whatsoever there’s nothing fascinating

about them they don’t have

a great job

they’re just fucking retards

and if you follow

these retards

around you get to know who they are and then all of a

sudden the fucking

story takes

place because

now you know her and you know she

doesn’t like dab and tony used to date her

and fuck i’m

locked into this now and you know how many of

those shows they will fall around

nothing fucking

happens so they have to artificially create tension

by writing it in that’s how shitty

their lives are dude that’s why duncan

trussell didn’t do the comedy

store one when they were doing one of the comedy

store the reason why he

he stepped out of it he didn’t want to do it

they were they’re

gonna like create

things artificial

things we have to

argue this we’re

gonna do you’re

gonna go to

lunch and you’re

gonna go to the

first place

but nobody likes it then you’re

gonna go to

second place

and nobody likes it then you’re

gonna go to

third place you’re

gonna get in a big

argument you’re

gonna settle in the

third place it was like

ridiculous nonsense shit like to create

like you’re

following like how’s this end how’s it end like

just enough to get that

low watt frequency

well you’re half

awake and barely paying attention you’re not even

engaged at all

but you’re following this fucking nonsense

it’s in yeah the the the the cusp of what they consider

entertainment now is just so fucking

what is it though

what why is that

check is it because people are fucking

tired is it

like you get home from work and you’re exhausted

and you’re working all day chasing a

dream and most people are

in debt and they just want some nonsense escape without

too much thinking there’s enough wealth in our western

society that we don’t have to work this hard to survive

we’re sort of being run on a treadmill on purpose

well sort of

is that true though because

the financial

system is so fucking

i mean it’s so complicated

and entangled if you diet

divided up the top

even half of the top wealth in this country

still allowing them to be wealthy but at a half percent

half of what they are you’d have enough to to raise

almost everybody out of poverty in this country

right but you

could never do that then mean what are you

gonna do you

gonna make them give up

their money

is it you gonna you know make them fork over half

their cash because they were more

successful than everybody else and its

success is a

relative term if i

could argue

against pure unadulterated

capitalism there’s the

infrastructure on some

level that is dependent

upon the creation

of the entire society be it the highways the

phone lines

this code of laws that the way we

treat ourselves sure they’re

beneficial of that

thing which is society therefore

right but it

will tell us

to use our system in

order to succeed to a certain degree sure

it’s a certain amount of resources but do you

think that the wealthy man

deserves to pay much more resources than the poor man

or should it be a percentage of what they earn

a percentage of what they earn

it should be

a flat percentage of what they earn across the

board but i

think where they really

should get dinged is at death

i don’t believe in inheritance that’s fascinating

but what if you want

your kids to have it it’s your wish you’re gonna go

steal that guy’s money

no you know i’m saying

i know what you’re saying

you had a son and your son was an awesome guy and he

loved to surf and

you know and you didn’t

want him to have to get a job be like look bro i’m

gonna give you

my million dollars and then you

live a frugal life and you’ll

never have to work

again and then you

could just surf

a little bits fine but i don’t like

not fucking my all my

money i want to give it to my kids a million

bucks no way that just produces a fucking

a monarchy or a royal

class of douchebag

why is that so no why is that true no if you have

money that you want to give to a kid

you love your kid and you want to

leave him your

money you’re saying you shouldn’t be able to get your

money that’s ridiculous

all of it no

i don’t believe that’s

absolutely ridiculous

so you think the government

should come in and regulate

where your money goes

well i’d like to

encourage them to give it away before they die you know

where it’s gonna go it’s

gonna go to government

agencies that’s

where it’s gonna

go it’s gonna get

chopped up the carnegie foundation

foundation or it’s

gonna get tax or

chopped up or perhaps

some of the

great foundations that have

changed the face of the

world and philanthropy

that would be

a different way to go like the rockefeller society

these these

groups have done and created

great systems of art that

would have created without

their money but no

or you can hold

on to both your little hands and then government

prize it out and

builds a highway

yeah but why

would anyone have the

right to say what you can and cannot

leave for your children

well it’s money

it’s it’s your your you

made that money it’s your

money make it

money itself is kind of an illusion of debt

against the whole

okay but you were far more

successful than most and you accumulated a

mass amount of whatever the fuck you want to call money

and it’s your

thing it’s your

remnant of your work

and if you decide that you want to give it to your kid

maybe your kid has an idea

maybe your kid wants to invest

an incredible amount in

clean energy

and fucking

dedicated himself

to that but whatever the fuck he wants to do

if it’s your kid

no why should you have to

why would you have more

government evasion

in your life who’s

gonna run these

foundations i disagree

fucking weirdos man

probably i don’t

like it most of the people in government i don’t

think governments the answer to a lot of

things but i don’t

think that we

should be creating hierarchical

sort of niches in society

reflective of the feudalist

domination that we used to have when we were surfs

and that’s what this concentration of wealth that’s not

divided after

that is created

but that’s ridiculous

cause what if this guy

built it up from scratch

all on his own he wants to give it to his children

because they aided him and get into that position by

giving him a

stable family and giving him love and support

that enabled him to be super

successful if their

kids aided them

in the creation of it then the kids earned

money on the process and they

should have lots of

money from their own endeavors on the same

on the same path like the walmart family

wow dude that’s some

crazy socialism

i don’t know if it’s social it’s

absolutely socialism

sure it’s your

you’re not on the microphone

hold on a second

don’t you people

know how to just plug into the wall like r2d2

what are you saying

i was just saying you would obviously

you would leave your kid enough

to be able to survive and have a great life

the only money that would go to the government or

to the country would be excess wealth

not not by whose judgment is excess wealth

excess wealth to sylvester

stallone is different than excess wealth to brian

but it would be

in the amount that

anything is comfortable

yeah i just i think that

i think that

there should be a recreation of how we

strive after things i don’t think

money is the best answer to

things and i think that we’ve came up with

capitalism i don’t

think socialism is the answer or communism

but i think that we should evolve past currency at some

point we should be trying to do something else

i mean if you could only make a certain amount of

money and then you got like

titles or more rights and certain things like that i

think that would be more appealing on some levels

you know creating the gentleman

class creating

exclusionary areas that people that strive to sort of

you know be more

people would call that social engineering yes

exactly is that good

that’s i don’t know it

depends on whose engineering really i mean the divine

enlightened person

not one how

about all of them

throughout history everyone gets to a position of

power absolute

power without a

doubt corrupts

absolutely it’s

an age old quote for a reason you know

yeah and the

system will fall down and be man

of dicks dicks work for

you when you come from canada because it works there

yeah you know what i mean it

completely works nobody strives to be

super rich because your

quality of life won’t be that much different than being

people strive

everybody in

every group there’s

gonna be both

striving to be

great you don’t

think your quality of life is

better if you’re

rich than if you’re not no in canada it’s

better but it’s not like it

the difference between poor and rich is much

greater here okay like

if you’re the richest guy

in a city like the city i come from it’s 90 000 people

so if you’re the richest guy in that city and you’re

like middle

class or lower

class in that city you have

a general quality of life in that city

about equal if not a

maybe a little

worse because

maybe they have

something cool in their

house i would not

trust social

engineering to too many people you know i don’t i don’t

think many people

would have the

right intentions and once they get into a position of

power it’s up to them to decide

where money goes and which

you know which

agencies get allocated

so i mean i don’t

trust them i don’t

not not by a long

shot i’m with you with not

trust but i see what you’re saying on

paper i see what you’re saying on

paper but i’m saying that

there’s no reason why we shouldn’t be striving to be

better than what we are now

where we wouldn’t

trust people like this

yeah but i don’t

think the way is

the real way is to encourage philanthropy and

love and to encourage it though but not to mandate it

not to get in and

decide by some

group of people just

gank someone’s

resources because they left this dimension

but there’s so many people that

exist right now that i i

that are and

maybe this is probably naive

because i’m sure they’ve

existed all throughout time but they’re just more

in the eye of

the meteor people or whatever

i’ve never seen a

level of greed that i’ve seen now

in this generation

i think it’s natural

i think it’s

natural of course because

it’s from when we’re pack animals we’re

surviving and

fighting for

every little

thing we get our paws on to mate and survive and eat

but at some

point i mean

now that we’re all kind of fat

you know maybe we should

start working on not being so

greedy you know like and that

level of greed shouldn’t be sort of rewarded by this

i don’t know i don’t

think greed should be reward on the

level compassion should be education should be

all these other society is propelled forward by

technology and innovation

and success for each

individual person has moved to money

it used to be

status in society not

for all of them

okay let’s just take an example

of the 1800s in new york let’s say you made your

money through spurious means let’s say you were a loan

shark if you will you’re very wealthy in society you

still couldn’t get a reservation

at most fine

places because you

weren’t a gentleman

we weren’t considered of the

class or the ilk that they

would like to

serve and that

sounds awful in

modern day terms because we’re this

egalitarian evil

society well the

system it defines

people but to a certain degree

there’s something wonderful about

ascertain to a

status in society as well as a wealth in society

you know like respect

respect by how

though isn’t the respect and no that’s family respect

family it’s just

i mean isn’t like with caste

systems isn’t it

where you come from

what kind of a this

would be an earned

gentlemen so you

would create a new cast system

you follow a code of

being being fair and just and

yeah i mean

it’s always good to do that you know there’s

always good to be fair and just and nice to people i

think that’s what we have to encourage instead of

deciding where people’s

money goes and doesn’t go

that’s too much government

man that’s too many people too many people fucking with

money too many people become

greedy too many people

engage in corruption i mean


have shown themselves over and over and over

again to be embedded with corruption to

the point where it’s legal

i mean corruption

house how’s

funding right

campaign funding

in london you’ll

never solve a problem this country

until campaign

funding is gone i hundred percent agree

not a single

thing can be tackled and that

people have to abandon the idea of a two

party system

too we have to abandon the idea that

these two people are

the only ideas out

there and that they’re diametrically opposed from each

other and they’re battling constantly

they’re ridiculous most of us are hybrids

most of us are a conglomeration of conservative and

liberal thinking and

you know and

they pit ideas

against each

other’s ideas

to keep this

battle back and forth because it goes with our

monkey tribal instincts

to be on a fucking team

yeah that’s a problem so our

whole political

system is a problem i

agree our whole financial

system is a problem but

as long as everyone is playing the

capitalist game

which is what they are

i mean everybody that works is playing this

capitalist game

just because someone’s a bad

motherfucker at it

doesn’t mean you get to take his ball when he dies

you know i mean he gets

to do whatever the fuck he wants with that if we’re all

gonna play this game

i see what you’re saying

though that we shouldn’t play all this game and then if

the society was utopian

and if society was if we really came to some

point of enlightenment

where we really

treated each

other like brothers and sisters

and all kind of worked together and instead of money

figured out some

strain sort of a barter

system or get what you need

because i know you have good character and you

contribute because you’re conscientious

have that like a universal across the

board thing

but that’s not

human beings

that’s the problem you’re talking about

an enlightened

being but that’s not what we are now

we should be

trying to evolve

we should be

but that’s kind of the goal

maintaining the

status quo doesn’t help us as a

as a creature

as a and we

should always be striving to become this better thing

well you are we are you are

you are we are

ok until two days well

it doesn’t matter

you’re not hurting anybody you’re doing comedy

spreading fun

everywhere you go

i mean it’s not i mean we’re

defining the

whole group

together right

and i think there’s a lot of enlightened people

and there’s a lot of people that are

thinking about

things a lot differently

than they were

10 years ago or 20 years ago it’s

changing people

because of this

because the internet is because we’re all

talking to each

other and also because

the internet’s

allowing some extreme

points of view to come

and talk to each

other where they are forced to be isolatory before

especially i

think when it comes to

i mean everybody’s arguing that it’s

allowing the fringe

groups to become more

radical and it does to a certain degree but at the same

point you can

reach out in an

instant and communicate with somebody

from a deferring

point of view now yeah

whereas you

never used to do that if you grew up in a really tiny

white town in idaho

or whatever you know like that you

might not ever meet another race

yeah whatever

and so i think that

as much as people are complaining of this is

bring us way more together than we’ve ever been

yeah i agree with you i

agree with you i

agree with you i

mean when do you look at the sheer numbers i mean there

should be fights and

deaths all the

street all day

it should be you know the sheer numbers of people this

there’s so many goddamn

people it’s amazing that people are killing each

other more than they are

yeah you know it really is amazing

you know yeah

especially with the driving here there’s a message

board that i go to and one of the reasons why go to it

cause it’s not

it’s the the

mixed martial arts dot com

it’s um it’s an interesting message

board because there’s a lot of intelligent

people and there’s a lot of like

super retards on there too

and the super retards will jump on and the

it’s always the same

story with these lips

like they used like

libs talk and

you know and oh my

god and it goes the

other way too there’s a lot of

dudes who shit on conservatives

and they don’t even know what the fuck they’re talking

about my brother just

directed a film called atlas shrugged

and i heard of it and ran

yeah it’s an incredibly

right wing of

philosophy did

this just get done

it just the

trailer just went up on you but i

go on and i was

reading all the comments on it and it’s all left ring

right right wing


this massive argument i’m like both sides

sounds like

idiots you’re so

silly you pick

a fucking team it’s like you pick an argument

it’s interesting because we have some

completely different

point of views when it comes to economics

obviously you have a very milton freed monetz

sort of point of view no i’m

inside the workings of this society without

completely recreating it yes

but if you want to

completely recreate it i

agree with you yeah

i mean i’m just saying that

while we’re all

playing this

game that’s a lovely pragmatism and i respect that

completely because you do

in the actual function of

things we have to work with what we have that’s why

the healthcare

thing like the

whole thing with

obamacare and stuff

like that it’s

caused such a turmoil and

stuff like that and i kind of

agree it doesn’t i don’t

think it’s gonna work that well

i think it’s very important to be

aware of all the goodness

it’s very important to be

aware of your own ideas of

evolution your own ideas of you know of looking at

things in a more loving and

peaceful way

but you also gotta be

aware that a lot of dudes are cunts you know

and you can’t let cunts get in the way it does but

why do they become cunts because life’s

cause their

parents didn’t raise em

right most of it

most of it’s

their parents or some terrible

thing happened to them when they were

young or you know just shitty

household lots of

abuse that came from an awful

like my parents were

awful abusive and

stuff like that

that’s probably why you’re so


because you were forced to

think on your own i

think a lot of astounding people that i’ve met a lot of

exceptional people have come from some

point of great strife

the universe

doesn’t create diamonds

you know just by pillows

smashing together

some shit has to happen

albinos i was

watching powder last

night he’s amazing

i think he was hit by

lightning or is that john travolta

which one was hit by

lightning which one

why is there so many

movies about retards who become

super fucking

smart it’s like

that’s like the new wolf man well

it’s again that

harry potter fantasy nobody

wants to work hard at being a

genius they don’t want to have to fucking study

but boy if some

lightning would

strike and all of a

sudden i can do a

calculator i’m the

apple dumpling gang

member fucking

what happened to john travolta

did he get hit by

lightning or was it a ufo

something happened

on some angel

he became some

angel pretty sure

you remember

a lot more ways than one bro no no the

movie angel

was in one angel

it’s michael

michael michael

yeah it’s when he was an

angel in that one yeah i actually saw in the

movie theater and i feel like

shooting myself

fuck he was an

angel and michael and i just thought it’s like

it’s and it’s all the roles you can play when you’ve

cleared your things you’re joining

us put the headphones on so you know when

when you’re talking you feel

when you get when scientology

clears you those are the only rules you can do yeah

fuck man wrap your head around that shit

have you been reading about that guy the

michael guy

what is his name higgs the guy who’s

suing scientology and

hello the the the

screenplay writer yes oh yeah he’s canadian

yeah yeah um he wrote

for the last

yeah yeah exactly yeah and for the last fucking

higgs yeah that’s his name and for the last

thirty five years he’s

saying that now he realizes that he’s been in a cult

like i don’t buy that

okay i don’t buy that you didn’t look

the whole time you were there you didn’t

think about what you were doing

you’re this brilliant


and you’re telling me

after 35 years you just realized

it’s a cult now and you just realized you don’t

like homosexuals yeah bro you’re fucking sitting there

desk staring at some

other halfway across

from you and you’re holding two fucking soup cans

connected by strings that are attached to this meter

and you’re telling me that

you just now figured out that you’ve been in a cult

you motherfucker that one was though

which one that what the one

thing that they did that was

weird it was that

stuff they want they’re against

yeah homosexuals yet seemed to

tolerate their membership

well they believe

that you can cure

it they believe that you can cure homosexuality somehow

that’s why fake

wives and shit

that’s how they

do it hold some

chick’s hand and walk in

front of a camera and stand

cured a string of

blockbusters is what you need yeah

boy man that

the scientology man the

wheels really came off that machine when john travolta

that video got released online

of him the indoctrination speech

when you see a car accident

and you you know you have to pull over because you’re a


you’re the only one that can help

you’re the only one that can help

find that brian find that shit and cue it up

cause it is bananas

the it’s one of my favorite

videos on the internet

it’s fucking

genius man but how does this guy not know back then

i bet you it

won’t be online i bet you they pulled it down

they had the most litigious organization on the planet

how could they get away with it though

you really think that

something’s not online

did you really just say that

sorry i don’t

think it’s there he just offended the

super nerd man it’s tom cruise by the way doing the

speech and if you can find it that would be

i will be amazed

cause i bet you it was taken down

they are so

quick to take

things down yeah cause

every time they

when they had that fist

fight with that guy um

all right here you go i’m sorry squirrel

there still remains

what are you doing fucking spastic

they’ve already got going through his whole goddamn boy

word on my mind

call it tom cruise on tom cruise scientologist

this is one of their

videos something that you have to earn

and because scientologist does

he or she has the ability to

create new and better realities and improve conditions

uh being scientologist you look at someone and you know

absolutely that you can help them

so for me it really is ksw and it’s just like it’s

it’s something that uh

i don’t mince words with that

you know with anything that

all rage does but that policy to me has really gone boy

never had i

just time went through and said you know what

when i read a diet you know i just went

this is it is exactly it

being a scientologist

when you drive past an accident

it’s not like anyone else

as you drive past

you know you have to do something

about it because

you know you’re the only one that can really help

that’s that’s what

drives me is

that i know that we have an opportunity and

to really help

for the first time

have effectively change

alright kill this

looney shit

you guys give me a fucking headache

you shut up

those are skills honed for

many years of getting straight guys to suck his cock

for sure look how compelling he is

he’s so confident

and the fucking eye contact that he makes is so intense

i bet he’s had more than a hundred

straight guys suck his cock and not even realize it

until they were doing it

that is i mean well guarantee you if that’s true

then i might join

cause that’s a

you’d probably suck his

cock i might

i might think

about it then i

would think

about joey diaz’s jokes

that was mesmerizing

didn’t it wait

was you oh you did or didn’t seem like mesmerizing

yes mesmerized

music it was like it was yeah

you know mission impossible

wasn’t that wasn’t that mission impossible music

very sorry so that was slowed down

that’s so weird

so he’s so strange and you know another fascinating

thing was the acronym

thing they they it’s all for me it’s all ksw

yeah like they have this

weird thing like you you’re the commentary

yeah they wear those

those navy suits with the same mindset

yeah and they think they’re in the navy

but they’re not there in some sort of religious cult

which that’s kind of a cool cult when you

think you’re in the navy

what cult thinks it’s in the navy

psychologists do they wear like navy outfits

or that’s their top level of all their

things whoa wait a minute hold on i did not know this

so you’re telling me the top level people

dress up like popeye yes yes oh

my gosh look at the lighting

mate there’s a car accident

let’s get that car accident

chains of me it’s forbidden

it comes from when l

ron hubbard couldn’t they

wouldn’t let him dock in any country because he had

taxes everywhere so he

lived on this cruise ship

oh my god and so all of his

close relatives

everybody around him was

just like see that became the hierarchy of the church

how badass was l

ron hubbard all

right respect

yeah he got

those monkeys to

dance for him and they’re

still dancing even

after he’s dead well he formed it because

aleister crowley

wouldn’t let him into the hermetic

order of the golden dawn the

secret society in england so he wanted to

prove to him he was

worthy but he said

watch i’ll create

my own religion created this religion people believed

in it and they went back and my aleister crowley

still didn’t want them

you know the thing

about it though it’s really fascinating

about scientology i bought a dianetics book once

when i first

moved to north hollywood that’s

the number one

yeah it was like

three o’clock in the morning and shit i was at

the commercial

yeah cgi got you right

was like wow that’s

so cool look at that volcano it’s blowing up oh look

terrible yeah

yeah well it was

just like you know i had like listened to the anthony

robins cassettes i used to

when i was writing comedy i

would listen to the anthony

robins cassettes get like

fired up so like

getting motivated

cause i’m fucking

lazy with a lot of shit and it’s hard to get me to move

so i have to get like some sort of a pump me up talk

rocky so i i was

experimenting on a

bunch of different ones so i

tried that i’m

like the anthony robbins had some really good

quotes really good

stuff i got some good

stuff out of it

and then i fucked around with dianetics

cause it was like

three o’clock in the morning i didn’t know it was


i had no idea what it was you know

i just saw this

thing dianetics what is this so i

order it and

these motherfuckers were relentless

i mean i got shit to my mailbox for

ten years later

for 10 years

they just kept sending me shit it was like

every week an opportunity to come

to some free workshop or there’s this or there’s that

or there’s a new offer and

come on down and get a free examination a free

psychological exam

psychiatry is evil did you know that and

it was just like like

you know you fuck up and give someone your

myspace address and then they fucking assault you with

emails that’s what i like

sorry bro but

they’re unbelievable

but they say a lot

of shit that can help you that’s what’s really nutty

about a lot of cults

it’s like you can’t just

blanket say that they’re all bad

because yes they are bad but

sometimes really fucking

wacky people just need a path

they need someone to put a collar on them

hold their hand and get them going

and when you do do that

and you put them in some sort of a situation like that

they can flourish and be

successful and even be fucking happy

they’re lacking

the critical thinking

skills that makes you go well what the fuck who

wrote that and then who

wrote that and that’s

translated from hebrew

and how do you

translate hebrew because hebrew is letters

and numbers so you don’t even know what the numerical

value of the words

you know there’s too many thoughts for you but for

a person that’s a


that go okay i got the religion

covered it’s in a nice little box

and let’s move forward with the car wash business

you know whatever the fuck he’s got that

you know sometimes

like a good

solid cult can actually help you

well you can

here’s just die for advice if you’re looking for

a sort of spiritual enlightenment if you’re thinking

about for sure all day

this is the simple

thing i’m an atheist but

if you want

to believe in god just join a religion that has a

sense of humor

that is the single key

if your religion that you’re

thinking of joining

doesn’t have any jokes

about itself can’t laugh

about it well i

think they all have

a sense of humor because i mean

when energy

does not have a

sense of fucking humor

about itself

i went on beliefnet and

tried to find

it i used to chat with them all the time trying

do you have any jokes

anything so you don’t

think during their

sermons or whatever they’re called

their meetings

you don’t think they have like a sense of

joking if it’s not

safe i don’t think

so man i don’t know

first of all i don’t know how

they structure the

whole thing but i

know that it’s very secretive and they keep information

from everybody

except the highest levels

and it takes a long time to get to the highest

levels and once you get there you have to

spend a fuckload of money

so a lot of times people get invested in it because

they look i’m not a

loser i haven’t

given these people a

half a million

dollars over the course of 25 years because i’m a loser

i’m a winner this is real okay tom cruise is at my

house we’re

gonna fucking do this and i’m

gonna become clear

and then they

teach teach them

about themes and

aliens on it

there’s a guy who

lived down the

street from me was

he and his family in


and he was talking to me

about buying his property

and he’s like yeah we were thinking

about buying it but you know

right now deb is

about to go

clear and that’s

gonna cost his

fifty thousand dollars

i go what are you talking about

what’s clear

like i fucking did not know what he was saying

and he goes

well yeah what

clear is you know we’re


i just thought fuck they got him for

fifty large

right here they’re getting them for

fifty thousand dollars for a fucking

voodoo ceremony that’s

probably the tip of the

iceberg of what they got him for before to get to that

point i mean that’s gay sex and then

fifty thousand dollars

it’s a money making organization

i mean they

make tons of cash that’s why they had to get the irs to

declare them a religion they sued them

to relate they

never actually came

out said the religion they says we’re done prosecuting

because they filed so many lawsuits the irs

said this would cost us more to

fight these

than it would to settle it out and just call them

they’re so trippy

you know what

how much money

would you have

to make to be able to even afford to be a


well there’s two

ways if you can’t afford it then you got to work for me

sent and you sign a billion year

commitment to work for them billion yeah billion

bi bi for real yeah yeah

cause your spirit that

should hold up in court

one billion dollars

that just lets you know you’re hanging out with retards

yeah you want to bet a

billion dollars bro you don’t have a billion dollars

were you scared to bet

like no you’re fucking retarded man this is a

stupid conversation

you’re fucking a billion

years just in case artificial life is created and you

so you owe a billion years of

transferring your body into new machines

just read the

classics don’t fucking go to religion read

thomas aquinas read

aristotle well i

think religion is

absolutely fascinating

i think it’s very interesting and i

think it may very well be

look i got this

weird way of looking at

things and one of the ways i look at

things is that

everything is natural

and that just like

animal behavior is very

bizarre and complex but natural

alpha and beta wolf behavior and

things that they’ve done forever then they

have this sort of coordinated and it’s very strange

i think human beings are so much more

complex and with language either so many more variables

but i have a feeling that the way people behave

is just as natural as

those bees making beehives and just as natural as

wolves that are kicking the betas out

i think we have

a whole bunch of components in

place that are

very obviously moving society into a certain direction

you know and i don’t i think

your enlightenment

and your ideas

about the future are all really a part of it

it’s all to try to

trance i mean

these open ideas and reality and

clear headedness and love

tries to move

it into the best possible scenario when it gets there

but where it’s

going is it’s pretty clear that

everything we do

is sort of designed

to move things forward in that direction

it’s very very strange there’s a sub component

of our society that feels like it’s devolving them

yeah but you know what i

think that that tests

it i think i

think you need yin to have yang i

think you need suppression to have art sometimes i

think you need to have

resistance you know i

think it’s a very tricky

thing you know that’s very true

it’s hard to look at it all together

like it’s one big organism that’s all moving and

every single emotion

and every single car accident is all inexorably

entwined into one big mathematical algorithm

that’s way too big for us to really comprehend

but that might be what it’s all about

the idea of

free will i mean has been disputed many many times

the idea of

is it really free will

when you’re dealing with you being

influenced by a

dozen different fucking hormones and

neurotransmitters and emotions and all

these different

things that are flying around in the air

and you might be

drunk and like how much of that is free will exactly

it’s not 100

free will you know

if there was 100 free will you

would have rational decisions made every time

what makes an impulsive

gambler you know what makes

that might not be a program

might not be just some fucking

thing that’s running

just some giant equation

you look baked

how scary it

is to think that

like stupid people are

breeding like

crazy so eventually

if things just happen

naturally and progress like

like the world’s

gonna make them then

intellectual people are

gonna just be

wiped off the planet soon yeah

yeah no i think

it’s a battle

intellectual people stop creating

babies really there’s a lot of retards

today but there’s a lot more

smart people too

i think there’s more

smart people now not i don’t want to say

smart as in like they’re

gonna fix the

world but more

aware folks

more folks that are

thinking and

aware and honest

than ever before i think

by a long shot

i don’t think we’ve realized that i

think it is

that’s the big damn that’s

gonna break

there’s a lot

of in tune people out there there’s a lot of dumbasses

but there’s

way more in tune people than i when i was 21

when i was 21 i didn’t know anything

about anything how

much more tolerant are we too way

more i’d love that i love that

about society it’s like

when i run into

1920 year olds

now i remember there’s a gay kid in my high school

he went through hell

just went through hell now

they’re out everyone

knows there’s none of that hatred anymore yeah

different races and

stuff like that intermix

really pretty awesome

compared to like how it used to be it’s evolving

that that story

doesn’t get told half as much as the negative side

and that’s really

fast that was in the last what fifteen years yeah oh

it’s like pubic

hair disappearing it’s like in that same

frame of mind so

maybe pubic

hair and our

racism are tied to each

other cause the less pubic

hair there is out there

the less racism

do you think there’s less pubic

hair now than ever before oh fuck i’ve not

found pubic hair

on it because people were shaving it yeah it’s all

on but still there you’re not

tricking it

but wait a second

have you been

searching i’ve been

checking pubic hair lately for my

own quest yeah

but nobody just it’s also

so easy now

back back then it’s

a lot harder to get

fuck i mean the girl i

recently dated she had crazy bush

really yeah the last two girls

but she was conscious of it trying to be different now

it’s trendy now

no it’s trendy

now twitch is horrendous visual

of what brian with this

dirty bush in his face bushes are back

i like the bush

with altoid breath

i like the smelling like apples because he’s trying to

trick cops on the way home yeah

i like i just like imagine that my bird

going into a nest

oh that’s sweet is that what you do

like one little tiny egg

trying to find that not even an egg it’s a hatchling

just just want to lick it clean

also it’s easier to spit back the

juice on them when there’s hair

you know because when there’s no hair

it just goes everywhere there’s puddles in her

belly button and stuff

yeah so with

the hair kind of absorb some of like that no i’m not

gonna swallow this you know

why do girls want you to swallow

it’s swallow what when you’re

eating fuck is coming out of the window

jesus christ

you’re fucking a guy dude

i’m not a guy

let me ask you this how big is this girl’s dick

fuck are you saying so do you gaggle

up when you swallow

no i just spit it back on and ask

you to swallow

no like they’re

juices you know they’re

juices wait

a minute you

know like when

their breasts feel like sandbags you know they’re

juices you know when

they have those

strong hands that

secure you secretions

from the pussy

mixed with your

slobber mixed

with it it’s like a whole

basket of juice

right that you explain

to me you must be really good at it then

i’m really good

yeah i can tell there’s videos

it’s a good thing

well because the

girls getting that wet then you must be

yeah well he

first of all he’s just

throwing up in them constantly

that’s one of the reasons

why it’s so

he just every five minutes he

sticks a finger in her and then right in his mouth

that’s part of his thing he drinks a fuckload of tang

before he does it so even though it’s puke it

smells cool it smells like a spaceship it’s coconut

water you put on like they’re on the moon

he just throws up tang

and fingers

i’m like why won’t you swallow it why

is it so chunky she’s like why are you throwing up

you can say i tried swallowing your pussy juices

that’s my pussy juices

that much towards more swallowed already

it’s like coconut

water you’re right it is coconut water

beards are not good for it

no that’s what

that’s another good

thing about hair though when there’s two hairs they

match it matches like velcro

and it locks

it locks you on

it doesn’t scratch them because they have a

protection of hair

see that it’s like

an eyelash for an eye it’s supposed to collect dirt and

come and spit

i like the way you

think i like the way you think

you’re fairly

fucking bushes are back two

thousand eleven did you guys see that that lady

blow a fuse

when she was

reporting at the

with the emmys

did you see that shit

the lady who oh the

cbs reporter

that was weird dude what’s

going on at cbs

first charlie sheen well

this chick gets raped in

egypt and the

other girl that was very fox

like i read

that this morning i didn’t know here that she got

raped that cbs shit was like very fox like like on fox

that’s acceptable because it’s like you’re you know

getting paid ten dollars an hour or whatever

those reporters are probably getting

like the cbs is like real legit

i think there’s a legit


issue i don’t

think it’s a matter

of her just getting her tongue tied it was like a

disconnect between the

mouth and the

sound coming out of her

mouth and her

brain you think you’re

stoned what is it no i

think she either had a

panic attack oh you

gotta play it play it

find it she either had a

panic attack or

she had like there’s a lot of people thought she had a

stroke but apparently they

checked her

oh you read

about this yeah

somebody said they denied that she had a

stroke on air

yeah and she’s feeling fine this morning yeah

but they didn’t as

other people that say

might be like some form of epilepsy or

might be like

who the fuck knows what it is but

it was one of the oddest

things ever

here goes listen

a lot of new details this morning

about that los angeles

television reporter who suddenly began

slurring her speech and

speaking gibberish in her report on the grammys

the video of cerritos this is

when firefighting

has a lot more on this medical dude

not this find the actual video

they better not have pulled it those fucks

you think they pulled it no you talk about scientology

here it gets the big

shocker winning only two despite ten nominations

seniors to serene branson is live at the stable center

with highlights and backstage

coverage we’re seeing for the very first time serene

well a very very

the fuck is that her is that what she did

fucking you tears just stop

she just stopped a very very heavy heavy

dirt rotation tonight we had a very dares darrison

by let’s go ahead terrace

chase english for the bit the head the pet

she did nitro you know what is

nitrous or salvia

right before she took she’s an

alien and she fucked up and she didn’t get her decoder

right she’s an

alien and that’s what their real language is

she thought she was

speaking human and she fucked up and that was klingon

that was really weird that was really weird that’s

probably it did seem like a little mini

stroke or some brain injury

salvia it seemed

to me like she

definitely seemed like she knew something was wrong

but at the end she thought

she was saying go back to you guys like it seemed like

that was the

indication that she had completed her

thing that she was trying to get out it

reminds me of a twilight zone episode i saw growing up

where the guy just

starts noticing little words

changing like hey go outside and play

with the encyclopedia what do you mean dog what’s that

and then it slowly gets

worse when it’s kind of like that whole same

twilight yeah

wow the best

story actually halfway through i realize

yeah but but

still what the fuck man what’s

going on with that broad

i i really feel like she’s probably

i mean this is

california i really feel like she got to

stone while she’s waiting to go on

and like her boyfriend

was there just hit it just hit it a couple times

and she just just

freaked out she got to

stone i don’t

think there’s that many

people too fast the way she was mixing up the the word

putting it into different

chunks and moving it around

it was that was

that had to be

this is like

we’re like those retards that sit around like

studying bigfoot films

there’s no way that

could be a monkey suit

because the muscles in a human

literally don’t work like that look at

these pyramids on mars

there’s no way

dude this is impossible that this

structure is there by accident

she could be a

snake handler one of

those christians that

speaks in tongues when she could have

infected with the spirit hey

might be pentecost

do you ever see jesus camp

yes oh what a

great documentary that is oh

i haven’t seen it

folks it’s a must see it’s

an indoctrination

school where they take

these kids and they

trying to turn them into christian holy warriors i went

to those when i was a kid for catholicism

really yeah oh i had to go to

bible camp every summer oh my god awful

how long did you have to go for

until i realized how

many like how

long were you away from your family for like two weeks

three weeks fuck yeah

it was always

and i got to be honest with you there was

dirty there were used to hook up with the girls in

those camps all really

well i was a little kid you have to

carry a cross

no it’s not

penance jesus

you have to

carry across not

filipino one not everybody gets to be

jesus okay he

was raised with no religion

everyone gets me jesus

it’s funny because

i was raised so religious and she was raised less

none like she

doesn’t know the

bible stories or anything so i take it for

granted that everybody knows it

and then she always reminds me i don’t know

about this either

there’s a lot of them that i don’t know

i read enough to go all right stop

shut the fuck up

i’ve read more

about the origins of the

bible than i’ve read the bible

the most fascinating

thing that i’ve read

is that the original

bible was written in ancient hebrew

besides the dead sea

scrolls which

is an aramaic and that’s an interesting one because

it was actually written on animal skins one of the ways

they put together the dead sea scrolls

was they had to do

the dna of the animal

so that they

could figure out

which animal

pieces were connected to

which animal

pieces like this painstaking work trying to

piece it all together

but here’s what’s crazy

to this day

they don’t know all the words in ancient hebrew no

it’s something like this

they only know like

three quarters or

maybe a little bit

more and some of the important ones that are incredibly

short that they know

a little about because

they have the

least amount of information so you get

these two letter words that

just could mean

it could be a

preposition it

could be a longer sort of

shortening of a number could

be just a number too

letters and numbers are the same

thing there was no numbers

so the letter a was also the number one

i love the bible too how people take it

literally who are english

you know like

the southern

fundamentalist wildlife

jesus said well actually no

this has been

translated like 30 times

in english you know

beaten into the ground the original

one you’re reading

is the nonsense one written by constantine and a

bunch of bishops yeah

and even reading the fucking fire and brimstone

the original

yes peter g really loved me

three times

and it comes out

three times is love you in english

but in even like the

for translations back in greek

he’s asking him

three different ways do you love me as a father as a

protector and as a

lover it’s just

so silly like

this is what people

need to realize no matter how much people knew at one

point in time even if people you know

really had figured out some incredible way of moving

stone that we can’t replicate

today and that’s how they were able to

build the pyramids

we are still the

smartest motherfuckers

that have ever been in the face of the planet

by far the most

aware the most informed

right fucking now for sure

and if there’s no

magic dude talking to us now

okay there was no

magic dude back then

and people are full of shit

and that story sucks it sucks and it’s old and just

cause it’s old you don’t have to fucking keep listening

you know and

take it as a historical idea

take you know the stories as you know like

ancient fables and interesting ideas

it doesn’t mean there’s no god

it doesn’t mean that anybody has any answers

but it means you can’t believe old dumb shit it’s just

it ruins the

whole conversation

and you can’t believe old dumb shit to the

point where it makes you want to kill

or hurt anybody else it’s like you don’t

you’re mad because

other people don’t believe old dumb shit so

the way that you’re gonna

reinforce this old dumb shit is go on a rampage

and kill a bunch of people

how can you

believe in a book

that if you only know one fourth of it too

how much can a book

three three four

or if you only know

three four so if you’re missing one fourth of a book

would you ever

really believe that book it’s probably even

more than that

translated to

latin and then to

greek and you know in the

long losing in the


like ancient

hebrew so much

different than

those languages i imagine like a mice a minute

he or he didn’t

shoot you know turn around and

shoot them you know that’s like one fourth of that book

that changes the whole book

you know that

might be at the end was like just kidding

jesus is fake

we’re on mushrooms

that’s the real end of the bible

psych we was on mushrooms words that can’t

translate just kidding

all the way through i’m

using that as a bit now psych we were on my

now folks you’re gonna know where this bit was created

somebody tweet me this because i’m gonna forget it

do you think there was sarcasm

back when the bible yeah we might be like

grunting fucks back then

sarcastic fucks that lived to be thirty and they

smelled like shit and they shot loads into each

other they hope they

stuck oh yeah the meatball

inherit the earth yeah

they were dying like

flies those fucks

and then every now and then a

bunch of men would get together in a

bunch of boy fucking hordes

and they would take over entire

countries they would roam the

earth and fucking chop

my bloody sword

next week i

think it can

be done man it’s like whenever they have like a

black boot beauty just like always like a ripoff

boy fucking

hordes yeah that’s the

title like it’s like deep impact and then the

other one member

they were all

the same time armageddon you know

they both rocked it with an absolute

movie which one did

you prefer by the way

i thought they both sucked

have you seen the new one like idle

los angeles

that looks that

looks sacrific yeah i hope it’s

i hope it’s good because i really thought that

other one went

where it was in los angeles with

uh twenty twelve

i thought that looked good but then i

heard everyone tell me it sucks that was an awesome

trailer i heard that movie

darren aronofsky’s

directing it so it

should be good yeah cool

is he laughing

i don’t know darren are not

here the black swan

that was really bizarre

yeah no he was

requiem for a

dream was a

trippy moving on and

put it in her ass

you know what i was to make me

happy when i walked out

the theater no

i don’t think i

enjoyed my experience

there i felt very

dirty after that film and i did not want to

get high you

know what you guys when you guys were talking

about the government

earlier for that long time you know what i was thinking

and this is so

stupid you guys know goober grape

the peanut butter that’s like peanut butter mixed

with all right

grape is you know the

grape is in it

goobers are usually yellow so that’s actually saying

that yeah the peanut butter supposed to be a goober

and they actually sold this at a grocery

store and that’s pretty disgusting it’s a good

shitty puberty

pudding and government you talking about

snot is gubert

and us talking

about the government made you

think yeah fuck

is wrong with you kid

you have brain damage

son but that’s

weird on tv

you just had a

stroke on the

radio dumbass

that’s just crazy

those crocs

fucking plastics

leaking into your

toes i know

he is wearing

no goopers are usually like i’m like

honking a goober on you or like i spit

but is that what it means i thought i was in a

goofy dude so what does goobinatorial mean

i don’t know man

it’s always like this fucking goober

that’s like a

goofy dude like goober from the witch will

andy griffith

show yeah but is that

named after spitting is

that goober

or who’s goober from

the dukes of hazzard i thought it was luigi

no dukes of

hazards cooter

cooter cooter

dude’s name pussy you

can’t call someone

pussy a big

pussy you can do it on hbo

you can’t call a guy cooter

today you can

never have that favorite euphemism

for pussy that british use

tell me this isn’t

gross a fanny

how about that i know how

wrong is that that’s your fucking nasty

creeps this is what they call it in

northern england plunge

i know doesn’t that

sounds like a mollusk

fucking plunge

he’s getting hurt yeah yeah

jesus christ what a terrible night

put it in me plunge

as soon as you come you throw up in her hair just

what the fuck have i done it just terrified that you

planted a demon seed in her fucking

snatch hearing sex talking

especially when they’re older

i smell like

cigarettes oh yeah drunk

they love to party

yeah yeah it’s a fun

place to be it’s one

of the reasons why it’s so fun english people fucking

throw down you know

party when he goes over do you ever go over

no no why not

i don’t know

cause i well you know

i only get two tickets

so it’s usually i bring

eddie bravo

cause he goes with me

cause he works with ufc too

and then the

other thing is like

it’s not that easy to just get over there

oh yeah the

permits are

bitch now too oh you have to work

it yeah yeah

well if you’re working i

wanna go to canada though i miss canada come back up

why don’t you guys come up and do a tour up there well

maybe you come

when we go to toronto

toronto’s gonna be fun as shit oh

the the tickets for

macy hall i don’t know what the date is but

they’re already half sold out

the the pre sale went on yesterday

april twenty

ninth i think it is

that’s such

as badass where’s macy hall

it’s in toronto oh

is it called

macy hall or is it called massey

hall massey

yes you got to pronounce it massy hall

i’m gonna call whatever the fuck i want

well that sounds

stupid name

if everybody shows up and agnes

to the one hundred

maybe massy hall

fucking niagara

falls thinking

joe rogan supposed to be here

i don’t think they’ll get that

wrong what’s that

watch you’re wearing that’s

awesome solos

watch that’s badass

that’s like

crazy expensive

i don’t know

no ed source

is manager give me it

it’s pretty dope yeah

that’s fucking

protective um

so so the tickets

will go on sale for that for everybody else on friday

and then this weekend is the bray

improv with joey and ari

pete johansson what you got

going on man

i got nothing to do

this weekend

nothing no i canceled my one gig because i was

thinking of

going to vegas with my wife because she’s

never been there

oh so never been to vegas no

what’s your

first you don’t know

about jesus and he

never been to hell this is my

first time here

yeah i’m taking

this is your

first time in america totally no i’ve been to seattle

okay you gotta go to vegas

i mean it’s only like a four hour

drive three and a half hour

drive from here you can

drive there i was

thinking of doing getting like a

suite of the palms and

stuff and just sort of like

spend like two

days just jump on like hotels

calm you can get like 39 dollar

night room it’s so there’s

vegas is dead got a friend who owns the

place oh okay

you can do powerful

vegas is so dead

and like deserted that there’s so many

sheep hotels that’s retarded

we’ll just spend

two days if you dip it into my plunge

no but as of next week if you’re british

and you’re listening to this i’m at the brighton

i’m at the comedian brighton

and then i’m at the winnipeg comedy festival

then i’m in

vancouver taping the debaters

then off to the new zealand international comedy

festival what is the debaters

it’s a tv show and

i’m doing two episodes of it shot in canada

where we debate topics

on television like socialism

let me tell you this

speaking of socialism

what do you think

about this guy richie

thing you know what’s

going on with the guy richie they fucking

moved into his house squatters

the squatting ras in england are ridiculous ridiculous

the cops can’t do anything because if

the only way they can arrest them is if they if they

break the door

but if they

leave even so much as a window on the top

floor open and they

crawl in through it it’s a legal entry

what so if they have legally you

can’t get them out of your house so how does

someone what if someone

what if you

get this home and someone

comes into your house and decides to stay

can they do

that well if you’re actually living there you can

prove that you’re proprietary living in there

and there then they’re

trespassing in your

thing but if you

can’t prove

anything right he wasn’t living in that

right it was

refurbishing it

right because it was

bacon not being stayed in

the lost its and i

would just go in there and

start molesting them

so how does

homeboy get out of that well he

has to serve

them with the

action papers

right just like any

other tenant and that can take six

months to a year

to process oh

my god i just make them uncomfortable

like they responsible for

damage they do to the

house during the time they take

absolutely absolutely

they’re responsible just like any

other tenants would be

for any bills

it’s the weirdest law you know like the only

place i like squatting laws is in

unsettled territory

if you can prove you

built a cabin there and

lived it for 15 years yeah you

should be able to keep it

yeah other than that

you know like come on at

least give a homeboy an acre yeah

yeah i mean

i don’t don’t

understand how

they don’t have a law set up to protect us

i mean what

the fuck were they doing over there i don’t know that’s

the most obvious sign of criminal

just criminal incompetency by lawmakers you haven’t

fixed this one well what

about this is

legal there’s a guy in england that shot

a guy who is trying to rape and kill his wife

eric didn’t shouldn’t beat him to death

and he went to jail for it

oh no he didn’t yeah

yeah and that’s like

it was excessive

it was excessive

force how did you how

would you even know it was excessive

if someone was trying to kill your wife yeah you

wouldn’t even know what you were doing man

you’d go into a

blackout fucking red

glaze of hate

you wouldn’t even know what you’re doing so if they’re

trying to kill then excessive

wouldn’t be killing back

right you can’t legislate

here’s the deal man

once you fucking

enter the house

it’s just you just like a rat man

you know you don’t deserve to live

you’re entering the

house looking to harm someone

you don’t deserve to live no i

agree with that somebody beat him to

death oh too bad

too bad i guess he won’t be

breaking in anybody’s

houses trying to fucking rape and kill him anymore and

and then no

he’s planting

flowers that you don’t want

you know this guy’s a cunt i’m a

liberal and i believe

in that yeah i don’t even believe in the destiny

and look at that

that’s a perfect example we were talking

about earlier

this idea that there’s two separate totally different

schools of thinking there’s not

you know most of most people that i know

think that you know really fucking horrible people

should be removed from the face of the earth

but their own good too man i

think we should reuse them for medical

experience yes so that i’ve

never agreed well i’ll take you a step further i

think we use them at zoos

well fuck given

tiger stakes

and i fucking hate seeing

tigers that don’t get to kill shit

you know but all

these drugs they live for that they have to test on

on animals and

stuff like that that they don’t know the

effects on humans yeah

fuck yeah but

just the shit out of them

fuck yeah absolutely

absolutely it was

the one thing

where me and that’s

china have a

lot of problems

how about here’s the problems what if there’s a very

powerful man okay

and this very

powerful man

catches you banging his wife just for instance

you’re not you

yeah cause you know it’s okay

no i know i know how you roll dog

i wouldn’t put it past you dog

so this powerful man decides to have you arrested on

trumped up charges

makes forces his wife into

you know going

along with it or

she do get out

of the money

you get fucked okay

for a little

dirty bitch man she sold you down the river

so you go to jail and then

they accuse you of some horrible

crime that you of course did not do

and next thing you know they’re doing

experiments on you

cause this guy

forces you by his

influence and all his

money he’s a very rich

powerful man

he forces you to become a medical

dummy and they

start doing

experiments on you

i just gave you the craziest for instance forever so so

that came out

for instance

in that case in this highly unlikely event

i still think you know what are you

gonna answer that

at least nothing good’s

gonna happen with my life anyways at that

point so at

least they can

get some good out of testing fucking drugs on me

hmm okay yeah

my life’s practically over anyways you’re saying so you

gotta do that and just get you raped

right i mean

today today you

could just do it and get you raped yeah

but yeah why not hear

about oj simpson

did he do so he

got the fuck

beat out of him in jail oh

yeah you got

knocked unconscious and he’s been in the hospital

for like like

weeks when do you go to jail i’ve been waiting for

naked gun four and a half for a while

way impossible

yeah he was

beat up by a

white supremacist a

young muscular

white supremacist

because he was running around bragging

about all the

white chicks he banged

of course this is just the

official story

you know who the fuck knows who

is a user on the scene

you know prisoner

slash reporter

an embedded

reporter who’s

gonna give you all the oj simpson dirt

you know how the fuck they

know what he really said but this guy decided to beat

the shit out of him bad like he thought he killed him

really yeah

apparently oj simpson got

fucked up well i

would yeah it’s that’s a that’s a

tough one hey i mean

black history

month too well is it i

think yeah i

think black

people are done with oj

i think they’re done with them

they were they were there on the

first trial the

second trial mmm

not so much yeah i don’t

think they supported him on murder

but when it came to like

breaking and

entering 20 years

later like that’s

not man you mean to put that dude away

get out of here any

black people right

i mean the crazy

black people that will only vote for him

based on the fact that he’s black the

very people that got him acquitted

the people that got him acquitted

there was a fucking

bunch of people outside the courtroom

and they said this one’s for us this one’s for us

and i went wow i

blame the prosecution i thought they were

absolutely incompetent

yes of course

they were they

were unprepared marge that’s lark

that’s what the prosecutions usually are

that’s really who the people are that are in place

they never get to this

fucking high profile fucking ethli bailey

and fucking

kardashian and

these motherfuckers

who would have thought that the craziest

thing that would have ever

spawned out of that

is the kardashian

sisters i mean

they’re a product of the oj murders

the reason why the word kardashian

resonated with people

it’s not just that she was

paris hilton’s friend

she was paris hilton’s friend

whose dad helped get off a fucking murderer

what about that cat kato

was a kalan kato

kalan he was

famous for all he was doing stand up

for a little

he just did

it the other day

he followed or i followed him

you do stand up yeah

i didn’t know that yeah he’s been doing it for a

while now it’s fucking awesome

congratulations dude

he did it a

long time ago and you had this joke tell me if you

think it’s funny

what the joke that you quit doing comedy

what do you

think when bob

hope died they flew out his body to iraq to

entertain all the dead

troops oh jesus

and he did this the day bob hope died

i did that the day bob hope died in a

fucking audience

full of old people

and comedy for five years

that’s funny see that’s a

proof positive that time plus you know

whatever equals comedy

very time plus insight

is that what it is what are you ahead of yourself

that’s all yeah

he was just he jumped the gun

yeah well it’s like you know i mean

if you said at the comedy

store i would have got a fucking huge laugh yeah

you’re at columbus ohio and it was

senior night at the funny bone

yeah man that’s the goddamn problem with comedy

especially when you’re

starting out

the real problem with comedy is that it’s just one

giant genre

you know it’s like

you know go to see live

music and you’ll

have like a rapper followed by a country

music singer

followed by guns n

roses you know

it amazes me the lack of insight some of the people

putting together bills

into it like

especially in england

where they have like a guitar player in

front and then a high

energy guy and then a low energy closer

yeah dude you can’t follow low energy yeah

yeah especially

their audience wants and they go

we’ll just give them

everything and hopefully they like one

thing and they’ll come back

not really it’s

less insightful than that all it is is this who’s got

who’s got a week open

stick them there it’s

really that simple and always end on the highest energy

but some people put plot like

tom tom sawyer from cobbs like he’s like

you know he

prides himself on like putting together good shows and

making sure the guys go with certain guys can’t wait

to work back in this country actually i’m gonna i’m

coming back in september for

we’re gonna move here

oh really so you decided

to tell out

cause when i talk to you a week ago you were like

we just got here somebody

somebody fucking loves it here

you love it huh

really yeah

yeah i’ve never

lived anywhere remotely warm

i mean this

week kind of sucks but last week it was like 80s last

week was amazing

we’ve done runyon canyon

every day that we’ve been here

it’s just it’s fucking look at you

trendy yeah dude this is a this is a

crazy goddamn town

there’s a lot of cool shit

about la there’s a lot of douchebags but that’s just

sheer numbers of

humanity yeah

you know in the

grind there’s not any douchebags yet

really we have

oh you’re in the presence of

three of them you know what they

should put on how

dare you how

dare you discredit our douchiness

you know what they

should put on top of runyon canyon

a food truck

good mom yeah

fucking taco one

yeah juicy street tacos

yeah those ones

you need to

think twice when you’re drunk

i wonder if getting

drunk like the alcohol helps kill

like a lot of fucked up shit from bad food

cause i don’t seem to ever get sick when i eat bad food

from hammered isn’t that why they

isn’t that what alcohol was supposed to do

well yeah traveler sickness yeah well

fuck when i was in

mumbai this year

jesus oh you

sound like someone is trying to brag

you know i was in move by this year

somebody yacht

i know but you know

i was popping bottles with

models and for

if moon by is bragging that’s pretty awesome

that’s the worst

you could if you wanted to be like

super liberal

traveler man

i am super liberal traveler

fucking what i do i go from

world to world and

point out that

come on everybody just love come on i love

when george clooney got malaria

oh yeah you know i love george clooney i

think he’s an awesome actor but it

would be really cool if he got

eaten by a hippo

you know if he was over there

oh no i mean

i don’t wanna lose him don’t get me

wrong i like losing him

the most within how about

with an opportunity for a redo

i would think it

would be a crazy news

story he goes over to africa to try to save the

world gets eaten by a crocodile yeah

i don’t like adrian bro

bitch you got

malaria what are you doing over there malaria

what listen adrian brody

is responsible for one of the most unintentionally

funny scenes in the movie ever

which splice

when he fucked that

alien thing that was

three months old

can’t believe you saw it

until somebody

downloads it

accidentally onto my computer without me knowing

fucked up dude i’m a sucker

for horror movies i love harm

sci fi and horror i love like i’ve seen

every sci fi

movie there me

too man i love

so much and i just looked at this i’m like i’m

gonna take a chance i’m sure it sucks

i’m gonna fucking get

baked i’m gonna go see the sci fi

movie and hopefully they’ll give me some you know

mindless entertainment

it was so fucking

completely preposterous and

ridiculous if you

haven’t seen it he makes a baby

and it’s half

alien or half lizard

where the fuck

it is i’m not exactly sure what the plot was

it was that was

super baked and it was so

ridiculous the

thing grows like instantly

into full size and is living in the basement of this

building they all work at

they have like a little

camp set up

with a fucking

couch and candles

and meanwhile it’s like a

grown woman already and it’s like

three months old

so they have to get it out of there so they

smuggle it out of the

building and take it back to his

fucking farm in the woods

and within like a week he

starts fucking it

you know and you’re like what

this thing’s

three months old it’s half

alien it’s got like

horse legs like the bottom legs like bend the wrong way

and he’s banging

a girl that’s really creepy

it’s one of the most ridiculous

movies ever

you gotta get

big to watch

it come on you

would fucking

alien if you

everybody’s not a

three month old one bro not one i was there from

the fucking get go

outer space but

it wasn’t an

alien they created

they made the fetus

that’s kind

of gross yeah

it’s the daughter

it’s like a walking

flesh like that

well i’m looking at

it as like how are you writing this shit in the script

this guy’s fucking this

thing like how about

maybe it’s like a dog

where it ages way faster so by the time

he was fucking it was actually like 20 or like a mayfly

well she looked like a woman

but still she’s

three months old the

bitch didn’t even know how to

speak english

yeah i’d like

to i’d like you’re

fucking a baby man you’re fucking a baby

three months old can’t stop

she she just

nobody’s ever done a

movie about the

babies that come

about from when the donkeys fuck the girls in tijuana

can i get donkeys pregnant bro

no donkeys can’t get girls pregnant

that’s ridiculous

you know what

would be funny is like

every single brad pitt

movie was so realistic

that his phone just rang

off the hook all day and

every time he

went outside he got attacked by

hot girls like my god it’s brad pitt do you

think that happens brad

pitt’s always like fucking

he’s always in like in darfur

and crazy places like that do you really

think he’s running

around having girls chasing him fuck yeah he is i

think his reality show

would be him telling the kids to

put that down

don’t light that on fire

where’s your mom

where’s that

crazy bitch

just fighting scenes

yeah picture

yelling at him brad pitt

travels by motorcycle

in disguise

so you know he just looks like a fucking ninja on

motorcycle yeah

be an architect isn’t that his

dream he this

whole thing was

about designing

buildings and shit like that

that’s the kind of

dreams you get when you fuck too much top

shelf pussy

just wish i was a peasant a cobbler

a shoemaker

kind of what i’m

going it’s just

smacking angelina jolie

off his dick get out of here do you

think she’s the

ultimate like

no not even

by a long shot that’s a

crazy bitch

she had her

blood and billy bob’s

blood they would

carry him around and vile kissing her

i love shit like that okay i love

shit like that i love that i

think she’s the sexiest

woman on earth really

just because she’s fucking

crazy thank god

you’re a girl

sexy girls are like i

think she’s so sexy like

my wife has

pretty good choice and

pussy but no

it’s the idea

that she does have something loose

which means that’s what you like

she would be fucking yeah let her

drink blood

let her drink

blood somebody

got that toothpick

olive but she’s too

skinny she’s

does she yeah i don’t really

look at the bottom she looks weird

i mean she’s gorgeous her face is flawless flawless

absolutely out

rosaria but

crazy yeah she’s gorgeous

crazy chicks

crazy chicks to me are disgusting

i look at crazy

chicks and i just go

i might as well be a dude

that’s not even remotely interesting

it’s all because dudes are so hot

my take on it has

differed radically in my life it was one

important time i was always attracted to

crazy chicks and i surrounded myself with

crazy chicks cause they were the most fun

and then one of them killed one of my friends

yeah murder suicide

and so that was it for me

all right it’s fucking no i want nice like this is a

stupid fucking addiction i know who you’re talking

about that yeah she was

crazy as a shit house

crazy and pilled out

pilled out okay

that’s different

though pilled

out is different that’s that is it it’s not

crazy is willing to go

crazy in a bunch of different ways

crazy is not

gonna go all natural i’m

crazy but i

drink wheatgrass

juice and go to yoga

no sometimes they do math

also in that package that you’re talking about how

crazy is also that vindictive jealousy that

women can get

from a man’s

success when they’re in the same career

as them and one

doesn’t have any

success of any type

there was a lot of issues with that little situation

we’re talking

about phil hartman to not

dance around

it there was a lot of issues with that there was a

you know what it was is he

settled with a

woman that he liked 30

of the time

seventy percent of the time

he wanted to run the fuck away from her and she was

crazy and you know she would

party and it was just a really unhealthy relationship

you know and i

learned a lot from that man

i learned i’d

never been around people that really despised each

other and were like really high profile and successful

and like she

would say like

biting evil shit to him in public

so that he would feel uncomfortable and she

would embarrass him

like we were at a

party and phil came over with his

wives like hey joe

he’s always like

super friendly the nicest

guy to everybody

fucking craftservice guy bob the

yes bagel man

he’s just one of

these dudes that everybody fucking

loved him so he comes over

and you know we’re talking

and somehow another

his wife oh he

got a new car he had this new car that he really liked

and his wife goes i want to get a pickup truck

i want to get a pickup

truck because it reminds

me of guys that i used to fuck when i was younger

jesus she just

laughs oh she didn’t say fuck she said

sleep with she took it

classy yeah

and she goes phil

doesn’t like pickup trucks but

he’s too old

and it was just like

crazy like you

could see that

the bubble inside his head just

just don’t let it out don’t scream

get medicated get a

drink quick

you know and

she did a couple of them she did a couple of

those you know

a couple of feels old and

guys i stayed when

i was younger like she like just fucking one person

after another

person’s feelings trying to play a little game

and see if i can

score on you

see if i can

fuck with you and see if i can make you feel like shit

yeah but you’re living

with this person and you’re raising children do they

think that’s the only way to keep them is

to bring them down no they’re

broken they’re broken they have terrible patterns

nobody’s ever explained it to them they’ve never done

ecstasy they’ve

never been in an

ayahuaski ceremony

they need to do

something they have

terrible patterns i’m

gonna fucking

borrow that that is beautiful

terrible patterns people get

stuck in repeating themselves even

if it makes no

sense i learned that years ago when

i took cognitive therapy a long time ago

and that’s how she described it to me

pouring water down a path

after a while it’ll always go down the

sand yeah it’s very hard to change that

path man very very very hard

i did though it was a big change in my life

well i think you

like a lot of guys i said

you had a traumatic

childhood and traumatic

childhoods i think

you know it

forces you to

run faster than most people feel comfortable running

you know force it

forces you to

cover more ground in your

life i run very fast too

mentally oh

yeah that to

mind sign but i sprint

that’s very yeah god

yeah i know i’ve had a

bunch of patterns in my life

where i’m like am i letting this

weird pattern define

me when this is not even what i like to do like

why is this

why am i stuck doing the same

thing over and over

again why do i have the same sabotage

things that keep happening in my life you know your

evolutions been interesting though because it’s

one that’s voyeuristic to a lot of people that are fans

of yours and wells people that like and know you

cause i’ve watched you online and the

things you talk

about the more complexities the more

understandings you get and your passions and your stuff

cause you live life out loud through the help of this

media savvy


but it’s neat because

watching somebody else evolve inspires

other people to involve and it’s

involve evolve

well you know i’m just doing what all

these other people are doing too it’s just more

high profile it’s like we’re all in it together you

know i mean one of the coolest things

about this internet

experience is the sharing

of information and ideas like somebody sent me some

video today of

some fucking guy in the jungle

climbing to this top of this tree to get some

honey and he’s

climbing up with

these leaves and fires are

gonna hot ember

in the leaves

and he goes this fucking

tree is like five hundred feet in the air

and this guy slowly

climbing up to the top of the

street so he can get some honey

we were doing the podcast on tuesday or yesterday

we were doing the podcast yesterday and the

power went out

and we were like bitches

the power went out in this fucking

house on you know

paved road with no wild animals anywhere to be seen

and joey diaz like

you know you better call the gas an electric cocksucker

you better start a fire

you better get the kids in the car get

ready to get to the airport

you gotta get the fuck out of here joe rogan

there’s lions and

tigers and bears

so he starts

going off about it and i’m

thinking while i’m

watching this fucking guy

climb this tree i’m like wow

what this is another reality

right here on

earth two thousand eleven

human beings they

could live this way

where you’re terrified when

lights go out or you could

climb a five hundred foot fucking tree with a vine

wrapping a vine around and

pulling himself up

step by step all the way to the top to get some honey

you’re either terrified when they go out

or you’re terrified

when they go on this dude was getting fucked up by beef

can you imagine

500 feet in the

air fucked up by these

can you imagine that guy walking home into his

hut and having his wife

start talking about

minuscule bullshit

you know what’s so sad

at the tree

today it was so deep

it was so deep the kids were

watching you

know he’s way the fuck up there and the kids are

watching and then you know he’s talking

while it’s happening

you know he was like doing a narration not

while he’s actually climbing

but he was talking

about how many of his friends have died doing it

so there he’s

climbing up there we love

honey have honey yeah

wrap your head around that shit that’s

because the

woman you know that he’s

only bring it on because

the woman is

the only thing

calms her down

which is got pms

i’ll get stung by

the you wouldn’t do

that for vital

nutrition they were saying it was

vital nutrition for his family

yeah it’s for his family he was describing it how the

beep on bee pollen

and fights and vegems yeah it

really especially in the areas that it’s it’s

naturally grown

like they say that that’s the best one of the best

methods for

avoiding getting colds in any

particular area

it used to be get bees from that air and eat

their raw honey

and then it

would give you some sort of a natural

boost to your immune

system probably makes the pussies

taste better too

fucking jungle

like pineapple it’s jumbo

pussy oh jungle

pussy i thought

you said jumbo

the propolis inside of the beast

stuff actually kills infections

other than sulfates it’s

the next best

thing to fight infections

it’s fucking

trippy the bees are

dying like a


they’ve figured it out though in the last couple

months they’ve

the massive hive

death yeah they

figured it out

it’s a combination

they’re pretty sure of a combination of a mite

and a fungus

together when they happen

is causing them really causing them there was

still some debate well

they found a resistant

hive group outside actually

in england that’s why i know it because it was in the

guardian and they’re trying to

crossbreed them now with all the

other beasts

gonna make super bees that fuck the

world the last just the last time we

did it was fucking killer bees you know the next one’s

gonna be serial killer

what’s gonna happen they’re

gonna make these killer bees

that are gonna get

tuned into all the wi fi signals and they’re

gonna decode

all the ones and zeros and become

super intelligent

and they’re

gonna grow they’re

gonna grow to the size of

horses flying

super intelligent

super bees the

other ones are just

gonna tune in to rush limbaugh with

giant ass beehives a beehive

bigger than the fucking

staple center they’ll

crawl into our

houses and steal our oxycont

oh yeah they’re coming

after you haha

yeah i’m laughing too much

would you think

about guys like

rush limbo that are obviously playing a game i

think guys obviously i

think it’s for i

think it’s he’s in it for the

money doesn’t

give a shit

about what he said

he’s obviously a performer

we were talking

about dennis miller before you got here

we’re talking

about dennis miller it

was on the bill o’reilly show and he’s like a fucking

like a salesman

you know it’s like he’s like

it was so weird he’s like

pitching for republicans

like he had bill o’reilly had been on

we dare to explain this before so i’ll be really brief

bill o’reilly had some guy on that was

claiming that fox news was saying that people

would go to jail

if they didn’t get health insurance

and you know bill arising we’ve

never said that and then they show like instance

after instance

click like over and over and over

again of them actually saying that

and it’s what’s

funny about the video

but at the end of the video

dennis miller goes on the bill riley show

and he’s talking

about this instance

where the guy was clearly

right and but dennis is like how

about that guy yesterday showing up without the facts

a guy walk around

carrying his hat in his

hat and i’m like

and he had this

really bad monday

night football era one

liner that he went with it you

know i mean i

was on the first

you know one of

those fucking nonsensical it

doesn’t mean anything i’m just

happy that you got through its all

laugh with you

you know you’re not saying anything you know

and it was i was like wow how

weird is this that a

comic is doing this a

comic is like

i mean he’s such a

weird guy though i mean

so good back in the day well

that’s because

david feldman

david feldman

wrote all his material for his hbo special

i did not know this yeah

who now is the head writer for bill maher

but you can see when they

changed well

you can see when they

changed quality wise benes miller was

great great

and then felt then left and then

and then he

sort of attributed

his weirdness to the 9 11

thing because he

after 9 11 he went

right wing you know that’s what happened

yeah he yeah

i had an opportunity

to talk to him once i’ve actually talked to him

in the air before i actually like him he’s a nice guy

i’ve met him once i’ve

met him on the radio

he’s a fucking good dude man he’s a

great comic the back

of the old days i mean i don’t know who

wrote the shit that you know

i don’t know the deal behind it but

there was one time

where i was at a urinal

it was just

him and i had a

urinal and it was like 2001 at one of

these nbt things

and it was the

first time i ever met him

he’s right there we’re pissing

right next to each other

and he’s being a nice guy he’s like

hey so joey you got yourself a hit there buddy

you know and

i’m like yeah man it’s fun it’s really good


man you deserve it that’s awesome good for you

so he’s being a nice guy

i just wanna go what’s up with that

whole fucking bush

thing man what’s up dude

come on man the fuck dude

what are you doing what are you doing you’re not

gonna make fun of jokes about bush

cause he’s your boy

do you know what’s

going on in the

world do you know what the fuck is happening

it was weird and i wanted to say that to him it was

weird but i didn’t want to be a douchebag and i didn’t

want i mean it’s not something you can ask someone

and when you’re pissing that’s something when you

someone over your

house you know you’re not

going anywhere for

three hours you can ask him a question you know

take you delve

into the complexities of why you support one idea

or another man

i don’t really care though that’s the other

thing like he’s not one of

those guys that i mean

comedy i liked but i don’t really care what he

thinks really you know like that’s

what everybody thinks

i do to a certain degree but when i find it’s like

i don’t know

there’s something like bill o’reilly actually i

watch all the time i do too

i find him so

entertaining i don’t know what it is but i get

just a kick out of him

limbo’s entertaining too a limbo can

be i listen

it’s funny cause i like listening to both sides

actually i find a lot of left wing

radio really boring

some of it is so

ridiculous too

it’s like you know there’s

certain conversations that get into it’s like

look man you’re

not doing anything any different than the other side

you’re just being

completely ridiculous and segmented into your own

ideology you’ve got it all boxed up in

a clean package

where this is acceptable

and this is not and you’re not willing to consider

other things

yeah i like real like rachel maddow and i like yeah

i love john stewart

you know that’s that’s and

great cold bears

gonna be the

most brilliant guy i’ve ever seen in my fucking life

they’re all brilliant you know i mean

you can’t not

be brilliant to get to that spot it’s just it’s really

funny that there’s not that many people

that are like in the

right that are making fun of shit

you know yeah i’m saying

it’s not very good because they don’t like sarcasm

well norton is

a republic is he

yeah norton

goes on fox news all the time and

he’s brilliant

he’s a brilliant comic

and norn is a brilliant guy i really love that guy he’s

smart as fuck

and you know

he’s just got this real conservative way of and he can

argue it he’s very intelligent

you know but

it’s apart from him and a couple

other guys like

you know there’s so many fucking

left wing comedy shows making fun of the news

but there’s very few like

making fun of like and supporting the regime

you know i’m saying

well yeah i just

think there’s too many people in the debate

at this point like

i also think

it’s not a joke to them

none of it’s not

funny right

but you know

right it’s not

funny it’s not a joke

like the democrats like

stewart clearly supports

obama to a certain extent i mean they goof on them too

they goof on everybody they have to

right to be taken

and themselves

which is important but

clearly you know you would see

when bush was

in office he was like that was either were going

after them they were

going after

their ideas and exposing how

ridiculous they were right

you don’t see what i’m saying is you don’t see any

right wing comedians that were like

supporting bush with comedy

going after it and supporting it

you know exposing

the stories of news and this is why it’s good

and these dumbasses that don’t

understand this

this is why they’re wrong

it’s like the comedy is always

against it yeah it’s very true

i don’t know what that is the fodder

why one is fodder for

their community to

laugh at and one isn’t

but elsa did you

watch the cpac

fundraising the

other day when

they were yelling at dick cheney

call him a war code

yeah how about how

weird was it when he got on

stage and he looked

crazy he looks so different didn’t he

his face shrunk

but you know he

doesn’t have a pulse

oh yeah well he’s an animated

course no but he really

doesn’t have a

pulse is that

he’s got some new

crazy sort of

a pacemaker inside of it that just

literally flows

you put your finger like that he does not have a

pulse it’s just constantly moving through his body

that’s not the sign of the

apocalypse that the

right wing christians are scared of

yeah the one guy who

made more money and

promoted war better than anybody i mean that guy made a

ton of money

don’t they talk

about a guy coming back from the dead

in the fucking

apocalypse the

right wing christian

should be all over the shit yeah

but he supports them you know it’s

tricky little fucking

marriage oh yeah

marriage of christians and killers

you know fascinating

somehow another amalgamated

all the extremist

religions are like that i don’t want to just

point it christians yeah fucking

muslims absolutely absolutely

never thought

i wanna lose

all of them

everybody’s just everybody

absolutely awful to each other

well even if they’re

great to each

other you’re

still locked into some nutty ideology

like what the fuck are

you doing a positive

story if i could

everybody always talks

about negative

stuff about

muslims if i

could say something

the coptic christians that were getting

blown up in the churches in egypt

this is my favorite

story i saw on the news

after 61 of them were killed in alexandria

the local muslim community

offered to walk them to church

every day to protect them from attacks

yeah read about that yeah

that was like

very cool this

should be in the news morse

it’s not one being

crazy people sure

yeah small percentage and here’s some extremely

small percentage

it’s yeah but you know there’s a lot of nice christians

i’ve met a lot of good christians you know i’ve got

six different

people that shazam son sup

and i mean people that really

truly live by the principles and

believe that it you know

it’s just the dogmatic

blindness to

other people you know to anything

right to anything to global warming

you know why you so goddamn

invested in the fact that global warming is natural how

about that yeah

you know why you so

crazy it’s a natural cycle

people fucking

scream at you telling you that glow

you fucking

idiot you don’t even know

about the global warming pseudos

science and alcohol

that cocksuckers flying around in a fucking

seven million

dollar jet that guy’s making billions of

us billions really it’s a fucking business kid

it’s a business

i think it’s all a distraction global warming though

to distract us from our big worries

which is the

ocean dying and the loss of topsoil

the ocean dying is one

thing how about the goddamn garbage

patch in the middle of

the pacific oh my god

the size of a continent now

jesus yeah normals

micro pellets

it was bigger than

texas it was bigger than

texas at one

point in time and now they saying it’s like

fucking half of

north america it’s like

insanely big

they don’t even know how big it is really

cause they haven’t done like an accurate

survey they

would have to like

go around this

thing and get submarines and figure out

cause it’s like

it’s a lot of it’s

floating under the surface of the

water she can’t even see it it’s these

micro tiny micro

pellets to of the

plastics that dissolves into the usable form from one

we don’t we never even

heard about this

until like a few years ago

i remember when

they said it was the size of just manhattan

that was about

10 years ago

maybe do you

think they’ve gotten that much bigger that

quicker or were they just run away

wrong maybe they just had bad

surveying of it i mean they must be

using satellites

right it’s in the center of the pacific though

which nobody really

travels to if you look at the

shipping routes they all go

around it so it’s not even part of so weird

there’s no land or anything we are

fucking cunts well there

never used to be that much garbage so

maybe it has just happened that recently

well how the

fuck do we have a

is it water bottles is that what it is well it’s

goddamn water bottles yeah

and it’s poisoning the

ocean and how

does it get rid of it what

do you fix that

shoes broom you let

it solidify

and you turn onto a bridge that we can drive

trucks across hmm yeah

but we just

light it all on fire

solve it that’s what bp wants to do it every day

we like the

oil on fire that’s got to be better for the environment

bp thing must have

freaked you out there to

freak you out nah

at first it

freaked me out but i

was like it was

bound to happen

you know it’s

gonna happen

again we’re

gonna have another

thing just as bad i

think these mega

apocalyptic sort of environmental disasters are gonna

speed up as we’re desperately

scrounging for the last

available different

types of resource not just met we’re running out of

every type of resources

rare medals

all sorts of

things these open pit mines around the

world where you’re

going deeper and deeper

we’re just as

we scrounge

for the last little bits

we’re gonna sacrifice a

whole lot more

for how long

does it take

to make topsoil

oh top twelve takes six thousand years per

quarter inch

not how i make it bro

shit quick my

uncle he knows what to do i got the stevia

i got the grind

we’re gonna produce

you know bang some

rocks with some hammers and i take a shit on it and

leave it there for a couple weeks top

soil but oh

as we’re watching food

places right now just to skyrocket

around the world like most

recently right

twenty nine years

unbelievable 29

something crazy

some up to 300

depending on what you’re talking

about and this is this is causing

greater and

greater poverty and disparity

even though

our problem has always been distribution the

price of food is being priced out of the

a portion of

the one quarter of the

earth’s population

and we’re using less

and less land for arable resources we’re expanding out

we’re expanding

our cities out we’re expanding our mining

out and there’s less and less grazing farmland and some

countries are predicting this you look at

china right now

they’re buying up

arable land all across africa

they’re they’re

planning on this courage

that’s going on they bought out

madagascar tanzania

zambia these massive acreages

where they’re growing food just for

china right now

the us doesn’t have a

commercial entity that’s doing anything similar to this

right now monsanto being the big sort of

influencer in global

food is actually shrinking

the amount of arable

land by forcing people to use their

these fucking

genetic resource seeds

that can afford it and

those who can’t afford it don’t grow crops

we were talking

about monsanto yesterday and

the fact that

they’ve acquired

it’s believed they’ve acquired blackwater

they’ve done it through some sort of a

third party

there was talk

about them requiring it and there’s

the official

story from the people that have investigated it

they say literally there’s

no way to tell whether or not monsanto has picked up

blackwater but

what is blackwater

blackwater’s a

mercenary outfit that was

one of the most popular ones

during the iraq war they actually had to change

their name because they did so much fucked up shit

know they had

i forget they

changed the

civilians they

weren’t under

usmc a military

court justice

yeah they’re in iraq so they could do

stuff that the military get

prosecuted for like

shoot civilians in the back

stuff like that so

you know i don’t know if

again i have a new name is xe

but they were involved in a lot of sketchy

stuff you know

not all of them i think

a lot of them what we’re talking

about is like how

crazy it is that everybody talks

about how ruthless

these seed companies are monsanto especially

prosecuting people who have

their seeds who have just

cross pollinated you

know they get

in the breeze and they grow on some of the fields

and now they sue

these guys and

they you know

and you’re it’s the nuttiest

thing like they’ve patented nature they’ve patented

living things

so by genetically modifying it then they can

claim to own it

and their ideas to eventually

have that’s the only kind of food you can get

is shit that they own they’re

gonna own all the food

it’s insanity they’re patenting

human genes yes and animal genes too yeah

yeah like they patented pigs they patented

parks of they’re trying to patent parts of pigs

the um the breast cancer gene the gene that

causes breast cancer they patented and

charged universities a hundred and

fifty thousand dollars if

they wanted to use it to research breast cancer cures

and now they have an army

yeah things are

going well to you but

here’s what i wanted to ask you by

bringing up this fucking doom and gloom

do you choose

how much to

and one of the reasons why

is because this is a very

main idea that i’ve been

bouncing around in my head lately

do you choose how much negative shit you

allow to get in your head

interesting question

do you choose like i mean you look at something like

what black water did and

you know what’s

going on over here what happened to that lady in

egypt the reporter and like

okay how much of this is really affecting me

that’s a really good question because that’s

something i battle with all the time and i try to

limit my psychology of getting dark

rather than i’ll still

read everything i can

i never stop reading

about the negative

stuff but if i feel myself getting

caught in a

whirlpool of negativity

i pull myself out and do

others that’s a very good

way to look at it yeah and i try and read some positive

things i try to balance it out with good news

technology generally is

where i find good news

and i read about like guys like cams

and his inventions of

water purification

you know different

stuff i haven’t

heard this what is it oh the guy that invented the

you know the two wheeled

segway yeah

he’s doing all these

low tech devices to purify

water across africa that costs nothing to run

starting these like he’s doing all

these positive

things for the

world using

technology and there’s a lot of hope

in this section i try to balance my negative

stuff with that

yeah no that’s a good way to do it man i mean you gotta

try to as much as you can manage the kind of

frequency that your mind carries around in

but this is a good segue

to my podcast that i want you to do

for 50 minutes on which

people on ever

we haven’t put them up yet but it’s all

over interviewing all sorts of people from different

fields about how they

think the world’s

gonna end and what’s

gonna cause it what’s the

world’s not gonna end

people are so

silly if people

ended for my podcast

the world’s not

going anywhere man

or society society is

gonna morph

its look we are not amoebas anymore

and the universe

four billion years ain’t shit to the universe

four billion years is fourteen billion

since you know the big bang so you just ten more to go

nine there’s

what fourteen years

for the big bang no nine billion till the big big bang

14 billion years ago the big bang happened i

think it’s nine isn’t it no

no it’s not

and they stretched that back and forth too

well there’s a lot of times

they believe there’s a new theory that it’s a cyclical

thing and that the entire

cycle of the big bang to compression expansion is just

it goes on and on and on and on

forever oh yeah that’s been the theory for a

while but also how

do you measure time when time itself is a relative sort

of component of a fourth dimension that didn’t

exist prior to the big bang

so everything as

it’s expanding is actually kind of how do you go time

cause it’s all subjective

for anybody else

right it’s impossible to wrap your head around because

there’s time on your tail

your fucking clock

says 10 o’clock

stupid yeah but i’m

traveling at a

quarter the speed of

light so it’s actually nine

there is a measurement

you’re measuring time like people that say time doesn’t

exist that’s kind of

silly because it does it

exists when you can measure it well

it gives illustration to entropy

right it doesn’t

i think it’s not that time

doesn’t exist

it doesn’t matter

because there really is no beginning and an end that’s

all the illusion the illusion is the shit that you’re

thinking that

these distinct moments

that you’ve created like

these beginning ends

the end time

exists the illusion is us

going forward

cause it could be either directional here’s

proof that time

exists fucking cameras okay

cameras take

pictures of shit when you look different

stupid right time

exists it’s

going on it’s moving you hear that

stupid it just goes on forever

and you’re this

weird integer

in time you

know when you take a

video of something with your iphone you’re

capturing you’re capturing a very minuscule

point of something an

image of visualization from something that

doesn’t even

exist anymore

that’s why it’s the

trippiest thing to watch

videos of people that are dead now

yeah but even

us we’re not the same person we were

seven years ago

all of our cells in

every part of our body

has been exchanged for something that used to be there

except the neurons

which is fascinating because

the real question is

where are the memories held

where are the memories held

is all your memories just

second hand

stories that one cell told the next cell before

they died listen when we were a kid we fell off the

monkey bar that’s how we

broke our arm

don’t forget

don’t forget this critical

story the spear

fell on monkey bars when

sweaty palms

you know i mean how do i know that i fell off a

monkey bar when i was six and snapped my arm

i know i remember it i remember being in the hospital

if every brain cell in my body has been replaced

and it’s happened

every seven years that’s a long ass time

ago what the fuck happened how do i have this memory

but you do so a lot of the thoughts are

maybe they’re non

local maybe

memories and consciousness

maybe that’s non local

maybe the body

with the reason why when the body is deteriorated it’s

you know ineffective at recalling memories

might not just be the memories there

and stored your body so your body’s a shit antenna now

and you can’t tune into

whatever the

frequency that your life is

operating we live on naboo with the people from avatar

i’m not telling you to tune into a tree bro

that’s even

crazy for me man

that’s kind of what it’s all

yeah i wonder if

because your memory

isn’t just your

brain you have like

just your senses have a memory too right

so if you didn’t actually go through something

you wouldn’t feel like you had

i don’t know it depends how old you were when you did

some people

think that memory is something that

everything has

that even houses and trees and cars and water

yeah everything

it’s got a certain

sense of it do you know that japanese guy that does

things to water

is that real

no no it’s fake most of the science is

absolutely you can’t call it science there’s no

accurate research

yeah but i mean he’s doing it sort of an artistic

thing what he’s doing is taking

photographs of

things when he says evil

things to them

and praying for them and

thinking good

thoughts yeah that was originally illustrated the

movie down the

rabbit hole wasn’t it

yeah yeah and then

when you go online there’s a

because that was one of the after that

movie didn’t you go online and look up a lot of shit

yeah i remember

going through that when

the research behind that was there’s no been any

scientific true research that has had any effectual

well showing of that so but

does that mean that he lied

because if he took these

photos and he

really actively

took those photos no no i

think he did take those

photos but i don’t think that

we’re taking we’re

trusting somebody’s word of

mouth for hmm

you know so no one’s recreated is

what you’re saying i mean that’s what science

need seems like

it’s just water

how hard did it be to recreate that

it seems like if that was true then people

would be doing it all over the

place what do you need you need a

microscope camera a

microscope camera

and you need some water

how hard is it to get water

you know what the fuck what are you doing with the

water i’ve never been a big fan of the positive thought

sort of movements you know like a

secret yeah

if you wish hard enough it’ll happen

harry potter

generation well the really evil

thing is you know

i had a friend who was really into this

he was really telling me at one

point in time that you know he

doesn’t even lock his doors

cause he doesn’t believe in putting that out there and

i believe you create your destiny

i go yo listen to me right now

babies get shot

in drive bys yeah okay

those babies aren’t creating

their fucking destiny

they get shot in drive bys

random shit

happens to people it can happen to you don’t get

stupid and so few of

those babies were actually involved in

drug bank that

evolved yeah kind of baby zones bang

few of them but a few

one the dave

chappelle joke that i recall it was a little fuck

baby had babies

babies that’s what he’s like rocks

he talks about the little five year old on the corner

that’s when you know it’s a bad neighborhood

oh man you shouldn’t be out here you’re a baby yeah

that’s hilarious yeah

well wait have you what happened to him

he’s somebody i know nothing

about just fucking doing his

thing man really

doing comedy

he was funny he’s

still funny man he was just performing recently in la i

think he was at the comedy

store shit or maybe the

laugh factory i don’t remember but he’s you know

just trying to do comedy have a good time do a shit

seems like he’s

just not into promote himself anymore you know i

think you got

i like it too yeah he got a

ton of fucking

money when he did that show and i

think what he likes to do now is just go up and do his

thing you know how

sweet with that yeah

so he shows up like

he did a show i

think it was in seattle

where he pulled up a fucking

like one of

those little mini

speakers and a

microphone in a park

and he just sat down and just

started doing comedy and

fucking two thousand people showed up and it was it was

ridiculous so that’s you

could find it online that’s how he

started did you know

that yeah i

watched him do it once

i was working with

him when he was like fucking god he was like eighteen

years old man it was in montreal the comedy festival

and we had both done sets it was like this is like

early 90s 93 94 something like that

and we both done sets upstairs at this

place called

club soda and we went outside and when we went outside

dave just all

these people around

dave stops what he’s doing

and says all

y’all gather around here gather around here i’m

gonna do some

comedy for y’all gather around gather around

and he like

put his hat out and accept donations and shit

and he would do comedy he would do

stand up in the fucking street

i wonder if he

still accepts donations

yeah probably

not anymore no he just does it but he used to

literally he

would just go out there and do fucking stand up

after a show

to a bunch of passerby’s he

would stop them

organized and do it

apparently would do it all the time

yeah i remember

watching a sixty

minute special or

twenty twenty or one of

those new shows that were

giving a profile of him

and showing a

pictures of him on the streets of dc doing that it’s

like do you ever feel like when you see someone doing

something like that like fuck why am i not doing that

i’m going on do no not me at all man fuck that

i don’t want to just grab you and say let

me give him my attention i’m not that charming i got it

stand up because i’m shy

yeah you know

i was afraid to talk to people and then like

i don’t know and then i got into it really

cause i love sam kennison

yeah me too

fucking changed my life

he changed mine too

a girl that i worked with

changed my life by doing a sam kennison bit for me

telling me how

funny this guy was and she just saw him on hbo that

night i was we were both nineteen

and she was this really cool

chick that i worked with it was

she was hilarious

and she was

she loved that kind of comedy she goes oh my god

the fucking boston accent

this fucking guy sam canis

oh my god he is so fucking

funny yeah this is what this guy does

and so she literally

does his bit out in the parking lot the bit

about the homosexual necrophiliacs

like she’s lying on her

stomach going oh

i mean life keeps fucking the ass even

after you’re dead

it never ends

so think of like

this is my first introduction to sam kennison

it’s this girl with his

heavy boston accent

pretending to get fucked in the ass in a parking lot

and i was like whoa that’s the craziest bit i’ve ever

heard in my life i was howling laughing

and then i went

out i got a hold of the tape like a couple of months

later and then i was like wow

okay this is comedy too

like i didn’t

think that was comedy i didn’t

think that was even

an option i thought comedy was like

what you see on the tonight show it’s like you know

it must be fun to be

funny but that’s not how my

brain works i had no idea that that’s what comedy was

about i was like

14 or 15 years old my brother sent me a tape of kinesin

and he was talking

about religion and i

you heard that

i grew up really

strict and i go you can’t talk

about jesus like this i was

laughing so hard to go fuck this this is what i need

to do in my life and from a fucking former preacher the

whole thing was like the package was so

ridiculous and

a guy who was a

victim of a head injury

you know that that

changed his personality

man i read his book brother bill his brother

wrote a book

great book if you’re a kennison fan really interesting

i got i went to his

grave in tulsa

i read his book he’s

he was a regular kid and he got hit by a fucking car

and when he got hit by a car

changed him change his personality became reckless

yeah became a

different person

yeah became wild became volatile

you know something

screw got loose it’s like that

thing we were

watching the

other day about

brain injuries and how


transitions that people don’t

pay enough attention to head injuries oh believe me

that’s a part of my business i’m around head

injuries all the time you see that ever do you ever

see some fighters

change over the course of

their you know

their career

radically i’ve seen people that you know

especially guys who get cut from the usa

and they wind

up keep fighting in

other organizations and they lose like a

bunch of times by

knockout it gets really

weird when you’re talking to them

because as you’re

talking to them like you can see a struggle

right you know like

we’ve all been in a situation where

maybe you just woke up or you got

a lot of shit on your mind and you’re not that good at

forming a sentence

right somebody calls you out of the blue

i’m on the news

brings up a subject you didn’t

expect yeah exactly

cameras in your face what

we can all struggle to be

you know in

articulate but

there’s a weird

vacancy are

truth when you’re

looking at someone’s eyes and you know their

brains not working that good anymore

and it’s a sad

thing it’s a sad

thing there’s a dullness to their eyes

and a struggle

and a you know

like a lost look

yeah like they want someone to help them like

those guys when they go

it’s lou gehrig’s

and alzheimer’s and all sorts of different things

when they go and it all shuts down

they’re helpless

they’re showing parts of that on

lights out holt

show yeah my

buddy holt mcallen

he’s got the

show on fx tune in please the ratings need to go up

called lights out

um fucking awesome show

but my dad was a professional hockey player

and he’s a wingnut like he’s a fucking wingnut

yeah and did he have a lot of concussions

lots he doesn’t have any

he had a hundred

twenty seven stitches in his face

doesn’t have any of his teeth

and they didn’t wear helmets back then

you know he played in the fifties

the one the stanley

cup with the detroit red wings

fifty three

fifty four damn

knuckles fucking

dad’s a bad

motherfucker yeah he’s

still a son of a

bitch because he’d come off

of the ice and then beat us up

well yeah so but

but he was nuts like in you’d see

it ever go to see your act

oh he’s never he

doesn’t even know what i do he

doesn’t even

understand comedy

people what ah

pray for your soul

like there’s just no

connection one

day peter’s

gonna get a job

he still thinks i’m

gonna be a priest

really you’ve met my wife

right you’d be a priest someday

so is he scrambled from all

those years yeah yeah

between that and the alcohol

and but i never thought of

the head injuries i just thought of that believe me man

i used to get headaches

when when i

started when i


from taekwondo to kickboxing i was like 21 years old

i had to do a lot of boxing

and when i did a lot of boxing

that wasn’t what i was good at

taekwondo was a more kicking oriented

sport so when i

started doing boxing i

started getting a lot of headaches

man it was bad i boxed for

three years too i fucking

loved it but did you yeah did you like the headaches

i never got the headaches i

could be honest with

you really well i’m 6'4

and in my weight

class cause i was

fighting it i think

197 went 200 i was

fighting guys that were 5'4 200

so five four

two hundred pound we

fighting fucking neanderthals everybody’s

ridiculous i know i used to get the

shit kicked out of me once they got in within my reach

cause it just

be body blows nobody fucking take me down with my head

cause it just be straight through to my stomach

that’s not tall

for six four though

doesn’t make

sense that everybody is

or for 197 pounds there’s nobody’s

money boxing

i mean there’s people that are that tall

but i mean to have

so many guys who are that

short that are that

heavy that’s

really unusual everybody in my boxing club is

short every now

that’s weird

it’s by the

clone a thing

by the way it’s also

where you you know

what level boxer are you

training with you’re

training with a

bunch of killers

these in what’s the

style of boxing to some gyms they don’t

spar hard they spar

smart you know

and they control each

other’s you know

well we got

down to the taekwondo club because the guy that was

teaching down there wanting help there

because he said the guys

weren’t weren’t

punching properly enough

right enough so we used

to interchange and spa with the people in taekwondo

as i remember having a great

great little little match

going on and then the guy getting

frustrated and fucking turning around and

sweeping my legs

i gotta nowhere

well yeah people do get

frustrated when

sparring it’s such a

creepy thing it’s like you’re kind of

fighting but not yeah

you know and a lot of times it becomes

fighting but the

thing the idea

about headaches i mean i was fine

and never got

in any like serious damage or concussions or anything

like that but you know that it’s possible and it

could be coming

you know it’s like

these are the

first blows this headache that you get

what if this is

every day for the rest of your life what if you had to

drink to try to just

numb this and dull this down

and a lot of people that involved in football

and combat sports

anything anything really extreme you know

especially boxing because they take some

like you remember

terry norris

and that guy

you’ve seen him now no

scary bro scary

scary as fuck

melger taylor to

brian what are you doing

why is there

noise playing there’s music

where is it it’s out there it’s out there

how can we hear that that you’ve got the best speakers

this is 7 here when i take my ears off

i do really

that’s so weird it

sounds so loud through this

these fucking things are weird yeah

this is a really nice

setup did you do we started out really

scrubby dude we

started out with just a laptop and a webcam

and then the laptop

and the webcam of

eventually became this i want to show

red band this that bought this for our

thing and see what you think of this

brian it keeps throwing his

phone at me which means he has to go

okay so we’re

gonna wrap this up because

brian’s gotta get the fuck out of here

thank you to the flashlight if you go to joerogan net

and click the link you can

enter in the code name joe

rogan rather and you get 15 off and

this weekend yeah sure sure sure hold on

this weekend

brea improv

with joey diaz and archiefir it’s almost sold out

saturday night is already

sold out there’s only a few tickets left for friday and

sunday night is almost sold out too so

jump on that shit bitches

and pete johansson

how they get a hold of you what’s up with you

having two twitter accounts on why are you using the

wrong one yeah use the

pete johansson one the

other ones only got

a thousand people we can get you more than that today

okay well i’ve

never used the

other one because

well the pete

johansson i just took because

i didn’t want people taking the name because all

these swedish guys keep

grabbing my shit with my name everywhere

so i thought i’ll get it

right now so nobody uses

it just run with that man you know that’s your name bro

people need to follow you

well my facebook page is

where i sent most people to my facebook com

comicp okay

comic pete yeah

because i’d love to get over

get up on that number

because that has my global

travelings coming up

england lots of shows in england then

new zealand

comedy fest if anybody listens to joe in new zealand

come see me at the new zealand come on bitches you

know i got some new zealand peeps up in the house yeah

and my friend

david lee and kelowna

is a big fan of

joe rogan’s and

powerful yeah told

david lee i said what’s up runs an mma

jim what’s up

david lee what’s up

thank you everybody for tuning in

thank you everybody for

whatever you’re fucking awesome you guys rule

thanks take it easy

i got

comments powered by Disqus