The Joe Rogan Experience #91 - Bill Burr

the joe rogan of spirit

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fucking stumbling over my own tongue

my own fat face

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all right here we go with the show

buckle up bitches

the j rogan experience

ladies and gentlemen

the lovely and talented

mr bill burr has joined us yes

what’s going on how are you

billy burr how are you fella

i’m fantastic i’m

enjoying my coconut

water this shit isn’t it this is gonna be all product

placement yeah it should be

they sent me a couple of cases of this

stuff it’s fucking awesome

you know something if anybody else offered me a coconut

water i wouldn’t have done it

i mean like that sounds like some

gross vegan

bullshit but just because it was you

when you always read like that you know dude i was on

you know fucking

coconut science com read this

whole thing

about it so

well somebody

gave it to me

once after jiu jitsu

class is a dude i work out with brought like a

whole bunch of them to

class was it an

apology after he

slammed you or something

have some coconut

water sorry

about that kid

nice gesture

but it’s fucking delicious it’s

doesn’t feel

it doesn’t it’s not as boring as

water but it

doesn’t feel like you’re drinking

juice or something

where it’s like

heavy and syrupy

and you know what i mean that’s

absolutely delicious

and this stuff is healthy

yeah it’s really helpful seriously

if you drink a lot of

gatorade see i

drink a lot of

gatorade because i

drink a lot so i’ve kind of

switched my

gatorade out for coconut

water that’s all i

drink when i work out now

i only drink gatorade

if i get the stomach flu or like

food poisoning or whatever the hell i had

last week yeah they have

pedialyte that’s something

that’s actually even better for you because it’s

all balanced

out like when guys dehydrate when they cut weight they

drink pedialyte

yeah i don’t have any kids yeah

everybody who has a kids was just saying no no not

gatorade you want to get

pedialyte why is

that that the beginning of that word just scared

me he’s having a beard and not having any children

being a caucasian i can’t get any

that pedialyte

for the pediophile over here

right next to

make carrots

the names not

this little unfortunate right

pedialyte it

should be you know

some sort of

super electrolyte

drink you know pedio

obviously means kid like


well i think it’s designed

for children when they get sick if they’re dehydrated

because you want to make sure that they get enough


or fucks them up

there’s plenty of kids out there

there are but

when they’re

your own bill you’ll see

you’ll see when

they you’ll see it at half looks like you and

no matter how bad your day is when you look at those

people used

to say that shit to me needs to

drive me nuts

you’ll see when

you have your own kids be like we shut the fuck up

you’re all wrapped

up in your own bullshit you got this little fucking

human being

it was an accident you shot a load into a

woman the divided

come on man what the fuck you talking about half

looks like you and half yeah

like it’s a

trick man it’s a fucking

biological trick

but then you have one you go whoa

this is a different i

never considered

the amount of

responsibility and attachment and just the

biological attachment you have to him

oh no no i’m not

i’m not saying that it is it isn’t amazing

oh no i know you’re not

i know you’re not but

a lot of times i say

things i say

things and they become misconstrued yeah

bill doesn’t like that

slurping by the way is just for all you cunts

fucking getting angry that i slurp my coffee

i get all these people emailing me you

should stop drinking your coffee mute the

microphone while you’re

drinking your coffee

it’s so disturbing

i can’t enjoy your podcast i gotta

admit that’s one of my pet peeves when i watch him

slurping i hate

if there’s a scene where the actors are eating

i hit mute i can’t listen to it because

they fucking you know actors they

gotta make it interesting they can’t just eat they

gotta no listen

we’re gonna fucking

fucking rob the bank and they start

throwing shit in

their mouth and it drives me nuts just the sound

of somebody’s the lip

smackers or what like

when you’re a car with a girl that you just got in a

fight with and she’s eating

doritos you can just hear it like echoing off her

skull the crunching

noise you got issues this


how he turned that into

some of his own shit yeah

he went to his own life

i have a fucking pet peeve it’s a

weird one but when i see someone eating in the movie

i secretly hope they had to do a hundred fucking takes

and they all threw up

like they can’t keep eating

because it just seems so forced you know you’re eating

while you’re having

this conversation you know like what you’re saying i’m

gonna rub his fucking bank

he’s got a mouth of

it come on point with the

bread out what shit you

wouldn’t do it yeah

who the fuck is

pointing with

their sandwich

you’d be like this guy is an asshole

he’s pointing his fucking sandwich at me and

telling me what’s

going to happen yeah

that’s some

weird intimidation shit

you ever have someone fucking

talk to you and in the middle of the way talking to you

they put a hand on your knee

and squeeze your knee

while they’re talking to you it’s like

what is happening here

i got a couple of

those i remember one time i did

i was shooting a pilot

for some show that

never got picked up and

it was hilarious because

what the hell happened basically

they wanted an edgy show

you know these

things always

start so we give them this edgy show

and right around

right before we did the run through the don

imus thing went down where he said nappy headed hose

so the industry gets so terrified

it’s not even just about radio now it becomes

about this friggin pilot

so they were already nervous

about the joke so we went in there and one of the

first jokes was

i don’t know some homeless guy

comes up and asks

you know me for some change

you know on the liberal guy no no i don’t want that the

other guy was a republican guy

and he turns around and he

flicks ice cream and hits him

right in the face was hilarious right

so they basically

they freaked out and then they didn’t

laugh at any jokes we’re doing this run through

and dude i’m telling you we’re

absolutely bombing

okay now to me

it’s hilarious

and it’s not even that big a deal because

i’ve bombed horrifically by myself i’m bombing with the

group it’s funny

way easier yes i’m walking into

scenes and the

other actors

i see the deer in the headlights i’m almost laughing

and the more it bombs the harder i’m committing to

these jokes

so anyway so the

whole thing tanks and by the end of it you

know me and the

other guy like dude i’m getting

fired he’s like no i’m getting

fired so we

ended up going back to the hotel

and everybody shows up to talk

about it and

you know the creators of the show all come walking in

along with the director and i’m

standing up i let

him in the room the fucking director comes walking in

sits down on my bed

and then reaches over i had some peanuts there

and just grabs a handful

and starts eating

and i just wanted to be like yeah dude

yeah make yourself at home have some fucking peanuts

but i was so in that i’m

gonna get fired

i was trying to be a nice guy and that’s like one of

those things that’s slowly killing me

is every once in a

while like you

know it was like years ago

i’ll be driving down the highway and i just

think of that


sitting down

eating my goddamn peanuts and i talked to you about it

and you were like dude that’s like some

alpha male shit

dude he comes into your

place where

you live he

starts eating your food that is a weird

thing that people

do some people just open your refrigerator and

start eating

i don’t like that no that

drives me nuts

the only person i

might i don’t mind it

is brian callan and joey

and joey always ask but

brian callan

i’ll come in my fucking

kitchen this dude’s eating pumpkin pie he’s got whipped

cream on it and shit

like you you

broke out the

whipped cream

like you made yourself a

plate of pumpkin pie you

broke out the

whipped cream and

everything i got on

my with brian

brian’s my brother i mean

he can do whatever the fuck he wants

doesn’t bother me

right but it’s

still crazy

i wouldn’t do it if i’m over your house

i’m not even

gonna drink

water i’m gonna wait i’m

gonna ask you

hey can i have a

water i know you’re

gonna say yes

i have to ask you

i’m gonna eat your fucking pumpkin pie and put whipped

cream i wish

it was a pill that i

could let go of chef

stuff like that

i’d like a high school

teacher call me the dumbest kid in the room and i’ll

still think about that

20 something

years ago i have the same

issue i talk

about it on

stage i reenact arguments from 1997

screaming at your windshield that’s what i do no

let me tell you something math teacher

well i’m glad that over all the years though

all the stupid ideas that i’ve had

about arguments in my head i’ve

avoided all physical altercations

i’ve never had a physical altercation

i’ve had situations where

you know a long time ago

i wish i told this guy that or i wish i told him this

but the reality is

it’s way better that i didn’t because

then what if he went well fuck you and then he fucking

throws a rock at me and then all of a

sudden were

two men biting each other yeah

wrestling in the

street like fucking children

you know what the fuck is that

when i was a kid my

dad came home from work once with a fucking black eye

my stepdad’s business was going

was falling

apart and at one

point shit got

squirrely and him and his partner fucking duked it out

it’s crazy yeah even

youtube wasn’t around then you know there’d be

some sort of security i

was like whoa aren’t you like in your fucking forties

it’s like what is happening it was

it was disappointing embarrassing it was sad it was a

bunch of different

things all at once you didn’t

think it was badass on any

level that your stepdad

could still

throw it out

no he could i

think he got his ass kicked i’m pretty sure

that’s embarrassing i’m

pretty sure he got sucker

punched and then

he hit the guy back he

punched the guy in the stomach but i don’t know who

punched who

first but it’s just fucking pathetic

this guy was his friend

and this guy used to come over the

house and we used to

you know we all thought

that have family dinners together like

him and his wife

would come over the house

this is my dad’s partner

and then all of a

sudden they’re fucking

duking it out at work as the business fell apart

it was very very

strange am i able

to come over for dinner

again or no

they became friends again yeah

they stayed friends you know they just

duked it out as friends and then they stayed friends

but it was just embarrassing

and he was embarrassed too he felt like such a fucking

idiot he came home with a black eye

you know it’s like what am i doing that

would be hard for me

to re pick up the friendship

it’d be easier if i won the fight

if i lost the fight that

would be in the back of my you want the rematch

at some point you get used to

when you do

jiu jitsu a lot you get used to getting beat

yeah but that’s a

different thing

that’s a different

thing you’re

going there you’re

learning to

fight and then like hey

let’s try these techniques

you know if like what if we had some big argument

about we were

gonna combine our podcasts

and then it

just didn’t go well and i didn’t give you the

money for the


and then we duked it out

and you somehow lost i somehow surprised you

and had a walk i

would feel like

one in a million chance i somehow caught you

i would feel way

stupider that we’re fighting

i would feel way

stupider than that it’s

i know but you’re a martial

artist i get it

right now just go in

peace you got dumped

it’s not even that

it’s always

you wouldn’t see me in there

and like i got my back turned you down the i would

shake my head

a bit like what

bill how did i

punch me in the face with that

ron howard looking jackass

that would bug you

depends on if you really just tooled me up

like all of a

sudden you just fucking unload like

a 1 2 leg kick combination on me and drop

me i’ve never

you hit me with a

liver shot and

drop me and then i had a tap out yeah then i’d probably

want some sort of a rematch let me ask you this

would you be

really upset

would you lose a belt

class would you have to go back down to

brown belt and

purple belt

you don’t lose

i mean the only way look

you get the ideas that you’re a certain

level of proficiency but it

doesn’t mean that someone can’t get you

what if i started

flexing tapped all the

pictures of my face to your dojo

there’s no way

you’d have to lose yourself

winner bilver

who’s next and i’m just sitting there with a

stupid look on my face oh

man you know

competition is healthy

i think it’s fun

and everything but when it gets in the real world

like as far as like

fighting people and shit like that

it’s too squirrely because you don’t just

fight someone

they get mad and then they come back and they want to

bring a baseball bat or fucking

stab you or

shoot you i

never fought outside my family past june

and i passed you in

junior high

oh yeah once kids

started getting to be like you know bucking a

quarter and knew how to

becoming coordinated

dude i saw one kid take a

pounding and i was just like yeah i’m

sticking with the jokes

it was this kid who he was jacked he’s one of

those man childs

in like eighth

grade you know

they could already

beat up the

teacher but then they get to high

school and they just stop growing and then

they just this little fire plug but in eighth grade

that’s like

that’s their peak

and this kid was at his apex of physical fitness

and he was fighting this doughy

this baby huey looking kid

and they go to get off the bus

and baby huey’s behind man

child and he just you know

he just pushed him down from behind jumped got on his

chest and it was just he just

started teeing off on his head and it was one of those

you know when people go

crazy and then it becomes disgusting

like the crowd was just like ah

and it was just like he

was just beating the fuck out of him he didn’t come to

school for the

rest of the week and he came back the next week and

his swelling in his face

had come down probably 80

but this is manchild manchild yeah manchild

still didn’t look

and he had a look in his eye

i remember his

confidence was shaken

it was amazing man i was like you saw

it was a moment

in his life and i remember just looking at that

going yeah yeah def

it was funny

cause i almost went at it with that baby huey kid i

would have got

killed he’s like

he just he would have

stabbed me with

the sounds of an

angry fucking kid

no he used to get

bullied and he just i don’t know

he was used to getting

the crap kicked out of him by people like

two years older

which is basically when you’re in seventh

grade like that two years

it is a huge jump physically

and it’s like you’re sitting there you know

like okay i’m

gonna fight you

and the other guys like we got like a beard you know

just smashing you over the head so um

yeah so all my

fights were

basically within my family

and i had four brothers so i used to practice on my

three younger ones

and then try to take my

older brother who had the

psychological advantage over me so

older brothers always have an advantage yeah

i didn’t beat i had a friend whose

older brother used to beat the fuck out of him

and it tortured him

late into like

adulthood he was in his late 30s and it was

fucked it fucked his head up

he always wanted to get back at his brother

he used to go over his brother’s

house and his brother was at home and

steal shit from him

like he would go like

his brother’s wife was there

he’d say hi hey gam

i got john told me to go pick something up and he

would go in and just

steal from his brother what’s that

from brotherly

brother beat

the fuck out of them his brother beat the

fuck out of them my brother was like two years older

and just used to

just box them up used to fucking

really hurt him

and intimidate the shit out of him i got one for you i

went last time i fought my youngest brother

i forget what we went at it

about my dad came in to

break it up

and like a piece of shit i did one more over my dad

shoulder caught him and it made that

classic like hollywood

should have recorded the sound

for like the

punch in the face was that classic

but like with a little bit of lip

sound caught

him right in the mouth and

i knew it bugged him and then what

would hit for like 15 years we

would be out

drinking and like when he got on his

third drink

i would feel him

sizing me up i felt it

i felt it i was just

going is this in my head or is this dude

sizing me up

and then like years

later i’m drinking with my

other brother

and we were talking

about our mom

going yeah he

doesn’t think i noticed but i feel him

sizing up he goes

oh yeah dude he goes

every time i

drink with him he

brings that up

and like by then he was a little bit taller than me

and he had that

anger and stuff but

i just would have just tied them up

like i got to a

point where i just you

know you got a strategy

planned out in your head

duck under the sucker

punch get the clinch

yeah my older brother came at me

about 11 years ago like a red roof in

some sort of bullshit

and he came

flying at me

you know my brother’s no joke he can

fight and i just tied him up

but i had the advantage

where he has a real job so he has to work

i can sit here going on hikes and going to the gym and

stuff so i was in

cardio i was in better shape so

i just tied him up

hello jeff tie him up for

not not long dude he was like on these paths

fifteen seconds it was like in cubicle shape

like that initial

i’m gonna i’m gonna kill you but this is the

thing though if he would have

if i didn’t

tie him up yeah that’s all

i did it’s like in hockey when when someone does not

fight they just grab the guy and like bear hug him

i just sort of

did that and i was

how was it he was

kinda on top of me but

i just had him sort of

smothered in there i was like dude i’m not

gonna fight i’m not

gonna fight he didn’t talk to me for a year

wow he didn’t talk to me for a year

and what was he mad about

i don’t it was dude it’s that

family shit

i don’t know

something from 1974 i’m glad i don’t have brothers

cause i would not

wanna grow up with someone like me

if i was a brother

if i’d have like

one of two things

would happen

either we would

join an alliance

you know and fucking

start a team take on the

world and tag team

chicks or we

would fight to the

death it’s gonna be one or the other

i don’t really see any

other options yeah

so which one’s

gonna be fucker

yeah i know i

think there’s a reason why you didn’t have a brother

because whenever i talk

to him he is like you’ll

have a couple of parakeets and they somehow have a

fight to the death

like dude i don’t know what’s with parakeets

they just go attitude it’s like

you’re way more mellow

when i met you

in the 90s dude this guy was like in game

seven energy

it’s so funny

everyone keeps on saying that yeah

that’s the theme way

way more mellow

that’s the theme i

think we’re just now feel comfortable to tell him now

is that what it is no

no no you’re now so

mellow we could talk

about it no but i was way more angrier

when i met him

you know what i mean it’s one of

those things

where you yeah

you’re your

thing yeah your

20s you’re processing

what the fuck just happened to you in your

first 20 hopefully you had a good

childhood if you didn’t you end up in show business

or whatever and then you know you kind of you think

back to that

stuff so yeah you know

yeah i’m kind of just realizing

how how much of a difference

it must be for people because so many fucking people

bring it up

and i try to

think like what

the fuck i was like when i was younger then

i don’t think i was a douchebag

but i definitely

think i had douchebag tendencies

you know like if you were a douchebag to me i

could just go full douche

right back at you and get

stuck in some stupid ass

douchey argument no i

just got really rational i

shouldn’t have been caught into it you like your energy

man you were on the balls of your feet you fucking

ready it was like

your energy was like you had just gotten into a

fight well you met me i was only i just

probably what

would you i met

when i 96 96

well that’s a lot of years

later i was

thinking he probably met me

earlier in the 90s when

my last fight i

think was like an 89

it took a while for me to just wind

down as a human being from that

just from the idea of competing

cause most of my life from fifteen to

twenty one was just competing

in martial arts tournaments that’s all i did yeah you

would like a retired athlete

and now you just you know

twenty one you know

it’s all the

sudden i’m trying to do comedy and i

still have this

fucking weird

mind you know that’s

tuned in for

physical and

combat you’re

still in bloodsport

it’s so stupid when i look back and

think back what i

have done that now there’s no fucking way i’m not gonna

fight somebody for free

and and dedicate my

whole life to doing this

traveling around

the country and kicking people in the head

like that’s what i’m

gonna do they

gonna kick me

travel no nobody

covered shit

you had to pay for your own

travel everywhere you had to pay for your own

hotel room we

sleep like a

bunch of people in a hotel room

like one of us will

sleep on the

floor one guy would

sleep in one bed one guy

would sleep in another bed

one guy would

sleep in a tub

we slept a bunch of guys in rooms

yeah everyone was broke

and we’re all

fighting full contact

with no fucking no

protection i mean

you you have like this little

chest protector on your body

but the really

scary thing

the really scary

thing is your feet

it’s not it’s not

punches and it’s kicking someone in the head it’s a

scary shit so

after a while

exactly do you what

part of your foot do you use so it hurts the less the

least well you just get used to kick

your head is

gonna hurt a lot more than my foot is

you know it’ll hurt i got broken my

foot on people’s shins and i’m broken my foot on elbows

but your your

it’s like between like kicking someone in the head it

doesn’t really hurt your foot

they just go

out family guy mode

going ah kicking

someone and it

would be over

if you catch him with the toes you see that a lot in

fights like

it’s more of a slap

but if somebody like

solidly kicks you in the head

man god if you do it

right almost everybody goes out

it’s one of

my favorite

things i watch those

boss root videos

where he just

i don’t know like

watching that guy like he was so

people were so afraid of that

liver shot oh yeah is that

that richard

prior bit remember that bit

where he talked

about how he came out with his hands high and the guy

all down and then the next

round he comes out he’s got his

elbows down by his waist

and then they’re doing this like

i don’t know i watch his

videos and it’s like this amazing like information

and then just

completely collect

like the guys

he’s great we had one the podcast

i saw that you had that

yeah listen to a young

guy is fucking

killing machine and he’s

absolutely hilarious did you see that one

where he goes like

he walks in if you see somebody yeah fuck your wife

i give him the gun and then i take out the nine

it just yeah he’s fucking crazy

he’s crazy he

did the fighting days that he did he did the bare

knuckle pancreas

days you weren’t allowed to

punch to the face

but you were allowed to

punch the body and you can open palm slap each

other in the face

just so much more humiliating yeah i

guess well he

knocked guys out like that he’s such a savage

he figured out if you just pull your hand way back and

throw it like a

punch and use the palm of your fist

instead of slapping them and hitting him with the hand

which is kind of flexible it gives into the shot

if you hit him with the palm

it’s like it’s a bone

and it’s a bone that you really don’t have to

worry about

breaking unlike your hands

how can you

punch somebody in the face bare

knuckle you really have to

worry about

breaking your hands

people don’t realize that a lot of people

break hands no i’m not

stab smash bang bang goodbye

and you know what’s

funny is that

sound effect is so

funny but you’re

watching him his form

is perfect yeah oh

yeah he’s got some fucking

great stories

about brawls to

you know imagine picking a

fight with that fucking guy what

a what a giant

can’t take a mistake

apparently there was some football player that got

mouthy with him

boss accidentally stepped on the guy’s foot

and the guy got you know

he’s a little animated

and get a little

crazy know the guy didn’t know

until afterwards

but you know

boss gets a little animated and he’s at a bar i

guess he was just really loud and he’s fun guy you know

and he’s telling some

story or something he stepped on this guy’s foot

and the guy

got just really douchey with him he goes i’m

sorry i apologize my

fault let me buy you a drink

and the guys know fuck you and fuck your

drink and you like got in his face

and he said

you want to take this outside and pass through

and goes sure

okay let’s take it outside

and then his friends come

up to him goes do you know what the fuck you’re doing

dude okay okay

you know he’s

just a big dude

who thought i’m

gonna go outside and fuck up this bald guy

he’s what a

giant mistake

yeah but this guy’s way bigger

this guy’s a football

i mean football players man

i was in phoenix once i was in tamping i was

going to the improv

and some fucking kid was there who’s uh

one of the arizona

state guys who’s

playing like professional football now

he was so big

right like you

don’t realize like how big that kind of big is

that boss root

is only 215 pounds

that’s nothing compared to

these guys i was

in a bar in utah and there was a guy who used to play

quarterback for like oregon or oregon state

and i was just looking at the guy

going that’s a


that’s because they look

like rag dolls when they get hit on tv this guy was

he was like 6 5

like 240 and he was

still in shape and it’s like that guy

you know if a linebacker comes from behind he

doesn’t see him his

head snaps back and he’s on the ground like all woozy

are you a football fan

yeah football hockey

do you when you see guys um

like collide when you see like a really bad hit

you know does it does it fucking

freak you out

when you see that when you see like a guy go out

not really in football

it’s hockey hockey is is

because hockey players i don’t know

that they’re as big as football players but they’re

going like fifteen

twenty miles an hour right

i don’t know you can obviously go faster on

skates but just sometimes like when guys

you know the headshots sometimes in hockey if you just

watch a guy

you know i’ve seen a couple guys

their careers got

ended somebody’s

somebody’s buzzing

is that mine

i don’t even have a

phone on me

that’s boss calling in the show

joe rogan it’s boss ruth


your comb is here too somewhere joe do you

still have his comb

laying around here i probably got 80 emails

about that comb

we were gonna auction it off

there goes a couple buddhas

yeah i was telling

i was telling

i’m sure this is

still nice and clean

um it is he has a bliss

stuff he keeps i used it to comb my ball hairs

special no i play drums

and a lot of times i’ll play

right before i go out so

with like the headphones on i get like this weird like

it’s not even a hat head it’s a head

headphone head

and it comes down here on the side so i just you

know push my hair up and go like that so i saw him

he go through what are you like fucking john travolta

and racist all the

things that we always wondered who

still buys combs my dad

still carries

around a comb and i always try to like try it up

like there’s something to it if my dad uses it so like

i always try to do it but it does nothing for me no

you have to be like over

like i don’t know 60

i think at this

point i didn’t even

think that cause you

gotta realize like a lot of

the guys like ted

nutrients and then they’re in

their 60s now yeah so it’s

william shackner just turned 80 yeah

the fuck man

is that real

no that freaks me out

wayne someone i just turned 50

i say so many

things in the podcast that people

tell me without

checking it

can’t be real

no no no he’s like 70

he was he was like 35 when he did it how do you

spell his name william s

a h a t n e r

maybe no s c s h

shatner yeah

s h a t n e r

maybe okay well troy

exposing how

stupid we are yeah it’s not

dumb you can beat people and

still be successful in showbiz

yeah it’s amazing you

could be so

stupid and yet

still make it

yeah i remember an

age one time telling me you got you got some comedian

some huge gig some huge big

money paying gig

cause this guy was kind of it’s true

he’s born in nineteen thirty one

that is fucking

crazy that’s

crazy well it makes

sense because the

star trek was in the 60s

so he was in his

30s well he

was kind of sucking in his gut with that little tidy

sucking his got a little bit

and then they

were they rocking a wig with him back then and no he

still had his hair wow that’s so weird

i don’t know yeah it’s like it was just

going but he got

he got great plugs though

because you can

never really look like you don’t think

that’s not plugs

oh what did he get also to pay

yeah yeah that’s a

that’s a pay

that’s a wig

whatever he’s cool as fuck i let him get away with it

those old guys like you

ever see like humphrey bogart’s wig that needs to wear

back in the

day oh yeah

oh yeah pretty obvious one

yeah i’m free bogart was

going bald as he was a

movie star so they got him a fucking wig frankly

jesus christ you know so i have

watched a bunch of his movies man

comfort road

right i saw a lot of

frank sinatra and i know

frank liked him

frank took a lot of his swagger from that guy

really yeah

yeah if you watch

those movies yeah yeah he’s got a couple

man he’s got one i’m so bad at remembering the names of

movies he’s got one

where he calls this girl out

on some female shit that like you know

i saw and i was like that shit happened to me last week

he just totally calls her out we

should try to change the subject

about something and

it was just it was awesome

say that’s not what we were talking

about no but he

was like the

story he had that he didn’t

know that was

more like edward g

robinson yeah

yeah shitty accent

so what it was like

no he’s here just more i can’t do an

impression of

the guy but he had just more of a laid back

he just would

he just would be sitting in a

scene looking

at you and you just immediately felt like ah shit

you remember

those old movies

where the guy

would get mad and he

would fucking

smack the check

yeah that’s what they used to do

i think they did it on archie bonker didn’t they they

would never

consider oh

archie didn’t archie hit either

she got really mad at him i

think so oh watch

remember and everybody was really upset

remember that shit i just sort

of vaguely remember this

we’re not making this up i

think i think i remember that too

i think there was

so long ago that’s

tricky memory wanted it to happen you know your whole

every cell in your body

except your neurons

gets replaced every seven years

so your memory where the fuck is your memory

store does it in your brain is it in your neurons is it

non local nobody really knows

so when you

look back in a memory that you had from like

twenty years ago

who knows what the fuck whether

you’ve made that up on the

story of a memory that you used to remember

you created something new

you know who the no no

i know what you’re saying because

i’ve listened to guys tell stories

about stuff

where i was

there and i was just like i don’t remember like yeah

well then it was a

sailboat remember the guy in the sale what

you know we were in our living room

talking about

no bro we just won the lottery you don’t remember

i just came back from a banning on you stream

i was banned yesterday for

showing a thong

showing a thong yeah what

yeah this girl

we had on peaches

and we also had the holly first of all what

did you say her name was

peaches i know one peaches that it was

her real name she was a wardrobe person on fear factor

very nice lady right

that was a real name

what’s this girl’s real name

this girl’s

sarah peaches

and the reason we were asking why she was called

peaches because her butt

looks like a peach

and so we’re like oh we

gotta see this butt now so she pulled down her

pants and she had a thong on

and i guess people complained and they just banned my

whole account but

but i thought that

ustream just hooked you up and just said that you were

gonna get oh yeah yeah yeah but

there’s a difference between

like you know

standards and practices exactly

so did you contact the guy i contacted

him they you know pulled the

video and then put me

back up and they’re just saying that you know nowadays

it’s kind of like a network tv they have sponsors

you know you can’t have yeah but you

can show a thong

but anyway that’s

what i thought i was like thongs though are like

you can go on the

beach with a thong

right right

yeah it all depends

it all depends

on what tv show

like country music

right network

i’m sure like you couldn’t show a thong on that

yeah yeah yeah

yeah it’s certainly

broadcast network so i

guess you know it’s all new

top technology it’s all new

shit so kind of have to find that yeah but what about

the shit we talk about

what we talk

about is a fucking thousand times more offensive

than a girl absolutely

absolutely you know a thong that’s it really

yeah so fucking

weird like what you were saying

about that you know

the situation

that happened when you were doing that show and

you know people

get offended and what was the one what was the

story that was in the news

while you were doing the show don

imas the don imas

story what you

call the girl

snappy headed hose

when i was doing the man show it was

janet jackson’s nipple

janet jackson’s nipple in the super bowl

came out right

while we were doing the man show

and i thought

who gives a what the fuck it’s nothing you know it’s a

stupid stunt

you know but

who cares really

i mean to me it was a non issue

but it became this fucking huge

thing in show business

where you could i mean

they came in and

changed monologues they came in and cut out

scenes they cut out

cut out sketches

they were like no more we can’t we can’t do this we’re

gonna have to take this way back yeah i wish i

could be on the phone call

when it comes from

whatever group

or washington dc when they say that i

think it’s because that they actually take it seriously

yeah it’s just so

disappointing though when you see all

these fucking people scrambled because some

chick pulled out her nipple

and the crazy

thing was the news the big

thing in the paper said

that it was during the dinner hour

that’s what it said

no no no no

no i totally a

black tit during the

no people were

right to be offended it was on network

television all

right it was the

super bowl you got your kids

watching i understood

what kind of

kids are you raising that are gonna be

freaking out

about a chick’s nipple

serious yeah

no wait no wait a

minute wait a

minute you still want your kids to have a

childhood that’s what i

think awful

about nipples a goddamn

childhood stealing

months yeah

that’s a little bit of

excitement in their

childhoods not like fucking janet jackson

started stroking

the nipple and then fingering her i’ll tell you what

whip out a black

tit in front of my kids they’re

gonna start

laughing at you yeah i

think it’s funny

well listen

okay there’s people out there

they have how they want to

raise their kids so

it’s like they don’t have cable

so keep all the

smut on cable and i

should be able to be here so that

thing crossed in

you know what i compared it to

it was like

orange juice and

brushing your

teeth individually they were fine

but you bring them together it’s bad there’s nothing

wrong with seeing an

iconic it’s a very

good point and iconic titty

but you had it on network tv

and that was that was the

problem so like that’s an interesting way to look at it

i think we’re way too hung up

about sex though i

think that’s a non

issue i really do it’s not like they were fucking on tv

she pulled out her

pussy and fingered herself in

front of the camera

i’d go yeah you just went too far now you’re all sexual

it’s a football game yeah but they’re doing

some sexual

performance on network

television yeah but

every time you

watch dancing with the stars they’re fucking on the

stage i mean

they lumbot each

other and when the

woman will straddle the guy’s cock what’s

going on there

but you’re imitating some sort

of sexuality yeah

but this is the thing

you you know that

okay it’s a football game the kid

doesn’t know that

no what i’m saying is as a parent

if you’ve decided to

watch dancing with the stars no if you’re

gonna watch a football game you’re not

expecting to see a titty

so you just

expect to see dudes that weigh 300

pounds and jacked up with antivar

and human growth hormone

running at each

other and smashing into each other

and somehow another

tit is scarier than that

i’m not saying i have a

problem with it i’m saying look you have to understand

i’m not either i’m just

there’s a fake argument bro

just try to keep this

going alright people’s

point of view

well fucking roll with it like you just say

that people’s fucking like

just like you got to respect that

other people don’t

aren’t you know i had i told i totally

freaked out by shit they go look i want my kid to

have like dude you know something even if it was like

one second listen

i don’t even know

what a pussy look like

until i was like what like twelve

should grow up with me you know

i showed you

we’re talking

about intercity

kids i’m just saying i was allowed to have a fucking

childhood and be innocent for a little bit but like

now it’s just like

the shit that you can get away with

on like network tv now because of cable

he’s fucking i remember

like when the benny hill show came out people were

freaking out

and all he was doing

he was walking up behind girls

asses pretending he was warming his hands

and he had that

silly and way in

and he’s walking in fast motion

and they were

freaking out and i sat there

as like a fucking like

seven year old

turned on by it because that that was like tube 8

was the benny hill show back then

and i think that like seriously i don’t

think that it’s

that i think kids do see way too much

i don’t think they

should be embarrassed

about bodies and

stuff like that but i mean

dude that you

understand they can go into your laptop

and like we didn’t

we couldn’t you couldn’t see any like like a porno

when we were coming up

you’d have to have a fucking know how to work a real to

real and then

vcr and then you’d have to find your

parents stash now you can just go on the damn laptop

i really sound like some

right no but you’re

right you’re right

i’m just saying

everything you

want to raise

their kids the way they want to

raise them so

if you chose not to have cable

and you want to stay away from that shit then it’s fine

i see what you’re saying but the way i look at is

everything accelerates including access to

things access to information access to even bad

things and you

know the kids are

gonna have to deal with an ever

changing world

and if you went from

where you were when you were 12 to how you see the

world now it’d be a pretty big fucking

shock you know

and i think

for kids it’s like

they’re gonna get it way

earlier than we did

but that’s just the nature of the

world today it’s just

you can’t fight

against that i don’t

think it’s kind of like how the internet

started off with such slow

speeds like you have

56k mode and

for and used

to be like hey what’s this

photo oh hey oh that’s a horse a

stick oh my god it’s

going in that person’s ass

you know you kind of were deluded to the internet

because you did this slowly

it was a slow process of seeing

all that root on the internet

what where people

watch that type of shit or they

watch like beheadings

oh no no i mean i’m talking about

sending you

things no because

you know the only

thing that’s really fucked up there’s a lot of people

who aren’t on the vice

squad but have like that

level of mental damage and they’re like an account

because they go on

and watch somebody get

their head sought off yeah

i remember that

video in like

comics coming and going yeah

dude i shouldn’t have

watched it like

you saw like

i got a bit my act

where i talk

about your soul i view it like it’s

pixelated and

every time you see something that you shouldn’t have

seen like a couple of cubes float away

and you just

never the same person so i i think

i don’t know

i’m trying to i

think you stop

watching porn in

spite of all that

yeah yeah i

tried to do that when i

started having kids

but stop watching porn

you start thinking

about those kids right

you know what stars

there’s like a tipping point

yeah there’s a tipping

point with this shit

where it’s kind of like all

right this is healthy

you’re exploring what you’re into

and then you just go down a

rabbit hole

you closes behind you

and easily you can easily go down

how many guys do we know

that have been addicted to masturbating when they talk

about they’ve masturbated

three times a day

every day even if they’re not hard

you know they just keep going

what i mean

you give a guy a lot of free time

this shag rug here

you give guys enough free time they’re

gonna jerk off just a fact

they do it in prison even though they

know people are watching

they don’t care

these guys in solitary confinement

they’re naked beating off

with a camera on them

just do it on that podcast with that

chick with the

sarah peaches

the guy that came with her was the

hollywood sex

like anyone that has a sex tape

they go to him to sell it

and stuff he did

paris hilton’s

and he was talking

about how no she was behind it she made

about seven million dollars from that shit

and like he just fucking

broke through

all these people

that have come

up to him like he’s like yeah i have a lindsay

lohan one but

it’s from the back so i can’t verify if it’s

her but supposedly it really is her giving a blowjob

how crazy is it that

these people figured out a way to make

money and get

famous off of porn

i was in kardashian

i was in australia

and there was a fucking

giant kim kardashian poster

and all i could think of

that girl got

famous for fucking a guy on

film i mean she’s a porno star

you know i mean fucking the film no that used to ruin

your career yeah

no it makes something out of nothing

i’m sure really shouldn’t

throw a name out here but was it

jane kennedy

you guys don’t watch

sports there was this girl

back in the day she was on the nfl on cbs

and her ex boyfriend

sent out a tape

a sex tape after they broke up

of her getting fisted i believe oh my goodness and

the general public didn’t see it

because there was no youtube none of that it just went

around the industry and that was the end of her career

wow yeah you

can’t get fisted and now nowadays yeah like that

would actually you know

you know that

would be part of like your imdb page

you know if they were trying to see how much

money you should get paid for a

pilot well he’s done already two

pilots he’s done a letterman

you know we

bang this girl and fucking

came on her face so you know his dick is out there

definitely has some sort of q

ratio you know

ratio whatever the fuck you say

well she has two fistings online

actually wait a

minute why am i saying a guy

a guy can’t get away with that shit

like think like females can make like a sex tape

certain kind

of it sex tapes before yeah i’m

size more one

or the time size more one

but he didn’t blow up

after that that was i know but we’re

still awesome

it was still awesome oh yeah yeah fuck

that’s exactly what it

sounded like and

you know what he said that he has a tape

right now with usher

that he’s getting

sued for or something like that and he’s getting

pegged in it and i didn’t know what pegged means

but whoa wait a

minute usher’s gay

wait a minute

you know what peg means

i don’t know i’m

assuming in the butt it’s

where a girl wears a

dildo and fucks you in the ass

what listen to the podcast it’s crazy

it’s naughty show number 12 that guy’s

gonna get sued yeah you just say

you can’t say

he said it i didn’t say it

alright i will

say allegedly but that’s what he said

funny that it’s

so common that guys like girls fuck em with

strap ons they have a nickname for it

pegged and everybody’s like oh yeah i heard

of that before oh yeah

oh i’m well

aware of what that entails

what a fucking

crazy business

this guy that i know

his buddy was dating a porn star and

he was dealing with it for a

while because he was kind of a

loser he didn’t have a job and

didn’t really have much going on she would

pay for dinner and

stuff like that and you know

he just said ah just work for her it’s work for her

just work one day

he comes home and she’s

going over her contract for the next thing

and he goes what does

airtight mean

and that’s like

in one of the descriptions of the

scenes it means a dick in every hole

and she goes one in my

mouth one in my butt and one in my pussy

goes that’s

hilarious that’s hilarious he goes

that’s it i’m out you got up that was the end of the

relationship you packed up your shit and you moved out

it’s like i’m done

what airtight

like this bitch wasn’t just doing porn

you know he

tried to distance himself and not

watch any of it

you know he’s kind of a

liberal fella

you know try

to be creative man air tight i like this

but it was just

it’s so common

that girls know

what it means when it’s in your contract

you have to do one air tight you know one clean

i still think it’s

funny that they

still have to come up with

these euphemisms

because even with them they

try to make it okay so you know we’re

gonna you know

start off with the

standard we’ll do

blah blah blah we’ll

build to an airtight and then

we’ll do a facial

it sounds like a spa

well some of them

some of them are so common that it’s actually with the

search terms like cream pie

cream pie is you

shoot a load inside a girl and then she kind of

squirts it out like a like a

cream pie i’m familiar with the point

yeah but i mean what the fuck

man yeah everyone it’s so common that it’s a category

like if you go to like you porn or something like that

that’s one of the categories is

cream pies guys

shooting loads and girls

like hello diseases

here have a

disease in your butt that’s what i don’t get that

in your butt i don’t get like

i know they get tested all the time

what does that mean

those guys are fucking heroin

junkies every night

you know who knows what they’re doing

you take it they get tested like

every three months

you know like that

doesn’t mean anything that’s

crazy plus even if you

guess i don’t know

i don’t know how good it is now but i remember back

in the day remember they were scaring the shit out of

every straight guy out there that you’re

gonna get aids yeah

they said that

they scared the fuck out of

me the safest way

oh yeah do you remember that like back in

the day you get

what year did you take an aids test

the first year i took one was 96 or seven

and i remember i

had to wait like five six days

it’s one thing walking about

walking around

worrying because they had everybody

worried that they had it so

worrying that you had it

was something you give

you know but

knowing that you were

gonna find out


one way or the

other in five

days but fortunately i had a really cool doctor

i was sitting there in the waiting room just like

just rocking

back and forth what the fuck why did i bang that chick

jesus christ

i knew so fucking weak

why did i give into it right

and he came walking up and he was really cool

he said mr bercombe

he said come on back he goes don’t

worry you’re all set like he set it in the waiting room

he didn’t let me take

that long walk

like the next douchebag

like i would like

the only time i

would get tested

would be like if i was getting into a relationship and

basically the girl said

we need to go out and get tested for

everything and i was like

yeah let’s be responsible and i was like fuck

the guy taking my test i took i had to get insurance

when i first

moved to new york i

guess it was like 1991 that’s why i took my first test

and the guy who was testing me said

have you ever

had gay sex no have you ever shared a needle

no he goes you don’t have

nothing to worry about

i’m like really

really ghost you got nothing to worry

about he goes

trust me you’re

gonna be okay

i’m like this guy’s just

being nice to me man he’s just being nice and you just

think about all

those girls i

should’ve wore a condom what the fuck was i thinking

and what does that mean i

should’ve wore a condom if you knew she had

age you just

stick your dick

inside of her with a little tiny thin little

membrane protecting you from the

depths of hell

no you wouldn’t you know it’s fucking craziness

but i went and the guy did the same

thing he called

me up and he gave me the results over the phone

and as he called me up he goes joe

you’re all set you’re all set just want you to relax

no totally negative no problem

yeah but for fucking days oh shit in my

pants convinced

convinced that i’m like a red

shirt virgin

what do you

think about that and how much knowledge that

we have what we really know the average person knows

about medical science

and think about

what it must have been like when medical science didn’t

exist and so you thought you really were cursed

you know the shit probably worked

you know you

could probably

curse someone with witchcraft

and they probably

would fucking trip

everywhere they go and fall

and land on

their fucking face and

break their neck or


you think everything that happens that’s like

when people say bad

things come in

threes it’s no you keep restarting counting

after three

that’s what happens

people go up this this and then this

it’s like yeah

then this that

makes four if you

count back to the beginning of your life

you know is it divisible by

three it’s like

it’s life bad shit happens

good it’s like whenever a celebrity dies they

would say you know that’s three

yeah it all comes in

three this is a

thing though

even jokes when you describe jokes they come in

through the best way to tell a joke

i have yeah i usually have three

three examples

you know that are

ridiculous i

know that’s true

i’m just talking

about the bad show

why is that though that

things in three

celebrities dies


dying in three

they don’t people

recount after

three if they went one

right they were

talking about a

small period in time it’s not like time is

open ended they’re talking

about over a course of a couple of weeks three very

famous people will die and it happens all the time

it really does

it really doesn’t

know that people just stop

counting at

three and they

start over again i could

say like somebody

would die like two days

later and well you know

yeah or if a guy

dies like a month

later then they go okay that’s one

you wait you wait and it’s like yeah

and then i guess

chinese celebrities probably don’t count

and there’s a billion people over there they must be

dropping off

every day yeah

i’m sure there’s

famous country singers to you that

would have been like the biggest star ever where

other who me i don’t even know who

that guy is wrap your fucking head around the fact that

china has more than

three times the people that america has

more than three times what they

got people shitting on the side of the road

i said on the podcast that they were

self sustainable

that they but

apparently they’re not anymore

apparently now they’re importing

grain people got

upset at me so

no i guess they’d not but you know what i want to hear

about and they also put in grain

i always wonder like i wonder if that’s

wonder if they’re forced to

do that wonder if they’re forced to buy like american

grain we sell them

grain and you

know if you want to read a

great article is the one in rolling

stone this month that has howard

stern on the

cover is they talk

about these two

basically potheads

who became these international arms dealers

and just how that

whole thing goes down how countries

when they want to arm

a certain side in some

smaller country

but they don’t want the shit coming back to them

how they go

about it how

they go through

these people

there’s some website

christ what

the hell is it i can’t remember but it’s like

the military is

required to put all

their contracts on it

so you can read all

their contracts

this is typical

me something interesting and i can’t tell you

where to go to

and you can read all

their contracts and they’re open to any bidder

i think they’re in the bush administration

they made it like that you know so i don’t know free

enterprise i

don’t know what but it kind of seemed like it was a way

for them to then arm certain people

without it coming back it’s like

basically having

other people do your

dirty work but just the way well that’s what the

whole idea about

mercenaries is i mean that’s what the big complaint

about what you know

black water and

those types of groups

is that we use them overseas and it’s

basically a way to get away with doing like really

dirty shit oh yeah

but totally legally

thing i mean

this is how i look at it

everybody does it and i don’t know

what their endgame

right but she’s

been doing it i mean dude

if we are what we pretend we are

then we should be the ones who

stand up and say that this is

this is what you can’t do

you can’t torture prisoners

you can’t you can’t

absolutely can

do that are we

gonna be the only

country that actually

sticks by what we say we are because everybody seems to

be someone has to lead an example right

do we say the

world filled with line cunt so we’re

gonna be line cunts i don’t know

i mean i see what you’re saying i see the

other argument that like look the

world’s a dirty

place and you’re gonna have

people that are willing to do your bidding

no you know like yeah no

i don’t get how war is legal

and i don’t get how

like jesus freaks and really religious people

get behind war

they’ve been doing

it for like the inquisitions and the and the crusades

they they were taking murderers out of prison

going you are forgiven

and then unleashing them

in like the middle east to do what

the reason why you

stuck them behind bars but

they just doing it for the church did they really yeah

what year was this

that’s just some fucking website i’ve read it off of

i looked at it

for three minutes well one of the reasons why i want to

have percent of this fact

i mean i always

loved my space

talking to you but

i know that you’re one of

those guys that

doesn’t believe anything in

the news is what it is news


so that’s why i wanted to talk to you

about all this shit that’s

going on in the middle east it’s like

every fucking day some new

government is being overthrown

it’s getting really

weird to the

point where i’m like man are they

like fucking prepping for something like what is

going down how

is it really what everybody says it is that

all of a sudden with the internet people are becoming

aware and they’re all rising up

it takes more than just being

aware to get people to risk

their fucking lives and get

i mean in libya this

motherfuckers flying jets and launching missiles into

crowds and shit he’s killing people

they’re shooting

right into crowds

might not be with jets but i

might have made that up

but i know they’re

shooting into

crowds and killing people left and

right like these

people that are fighting

against him

there’s a movement that’s

going down i don’t know what it is but it was you know

the real thing but you know the real thing

it’s guys out there

who we put in power

and we were cool with and then when

they stop being cool

with us then we go in and then we try to take them out

i’ll tell you know what’s really fucked up where

those celebrities who went out and they did like a

corporate gig

for like gaddafi’s kids

and they try to act like oh i didn’t know

it’s like dude

if you work at a comedy club and there’s somebody like

in a wheelchair

the club owner comes back hey not

telling you how to do your act just letting you know

there’s someone in the

crowd the wheelchair so i mean you know

just if you

wear a midget

choke that you

close with you

might want to not use it

right so these people are

going to perform

for the kids of a mass murderer don’t you

think they get some sort of halftime

speech listen don’t say this

you don’t want to offend

their cult just letting them know like i had no idea

i was really

disappointed when i saw you performed for gaddafi

what was it

beyonce usher

mariah carey and

then they all donated it to charity but only

cause they got busted

gaddafi pegs that’s what i heard

gaddafi pays he pegs

why are you just making shit up

they’re asking people if they should give their

their money back apparently there’s a lot yeah

beyonce did it huh yeah and i saw this

photo and it’s like dude it’s hilarious it’s like

you got someone who can sell out the fucking staples

center it’s like what you do really got to go there and

entertain that’s

scumbag is it just so much

money like what are they all they pay

a million bucks for like a

night and you come there was funny was that one of the

pictures i saw now i don’t know if this was actually

her at the gig

but dude it’s like she’s

standing out in your living room

going full out doing

hot fucking routines be awesome for the kid of a murder

of a mass murderer the guy

admittedly is behind those pan am bombings

right wow am i

crazy thinking that that killed americans

and that kid has a

yeah no he is

she’s sitting there dancing like literally dancing

dance to me let’s go and that kid is my backup black

yeah asha apparently performed for him too

wow he gave beyonce

two million dollars for her private performance

whoa that’s pretty

crazy his youngest son

hannibal that’s his fucking son

after the silence of the lambs if you name your kid

hannibal you’re a sick fuck yeah

and it wasn’t

a nickname he knew coming out of the woods

it was gonna be a sick fuck

so nothing is scarier than the sons of

dictators you ever hear about

what is their oodie and crusay or whatever the fuck

those sodoms kids brutal the shit they did they fed

women to dogs

they did they did horrible shit they do they were find

women one of the things they

would do is find a woman as she was getting married

they would find her

as like literally go into the wedding

kill the husband in

front of everybody take the

wife rape her and kill her and feed her to dogs jesus

they used to

grind people up and meat

grinders like some of the stories are just horrific

i mean they grew up with ryan and meek

what sort of how big was the meek

were there alive

i don’t know

and they just sitting there hoo hoo

ha ha well you

could easily

stick someone in a wood chipper if you wanted to

oh yeah no that’s

standard that

would be easy

guys fall in the wood

chippers all the time man i saw i saw a guy get busted

they figured out that he did it

and then they just

went out on his property and he just had like you know

basically human bone shrapnel

i love this part of the all over the part of the woods

dude i was on a

gig recently

and this guy

you know who was

allegedly a federal

agent but by the end

of it i didn’t even believe it he was telling me all

these horrific stories

and i’m sitting there looking at the guy

first of all when he walked in

one of the first

things he did was he picked his nose

and i’m like and i’d already

shook his hand like ah

fuck it’s like alright who

doesn’t pick their nose

then he adjusts his dick

and at one point he’s in the middle of telling me

about being on a

stakeout he

starts digging in his ass

to the point he’s like almost on his tiptoes

he’s like fucking

dude and he’s like

and you could tell he was like habitually

picking his ass

cause he’s in

the middle of talking to me he just met me

and he’s like yeah you know so we’re

standing out there

and when buck and he

starts going like this

and i’m looking at this kid and he’s

like yeah i’m a federal agent

it’s like dude

you’re picking your ass

oh god and also

why are you telling me all this shit it’s

kinda like the guys who go to war

and they actually see some shit

never talk about it

and then the guy who’s fucking working in the kitchen

oh yeah man shit was

crazy i shot this guy in the fucking head that’s

after a while i was like i

think this guy is like this

did you see

these new photos that came out from afghanistan they’re

basically just like

the what was the fucking the prison

was the prison

were guantana

no no no the one where they

took all those

photos of all the iraqis

and did all that fucked up shit

that them the

soldiers did yeah i don’t know

i can’t remember god damn it

brian do you remember

you don’t know what it is you don’t even know what the

story is anyway

there’s new

photos that just surfaced

and they’re just like

those photos

what the fuck was the name of the

yeah but is that

shocking you really don’t want to get captured

by the enemy

no yeah it’s pretty fucked up oh yeah they’re smiling

like holding people up by the hair and like look abu

ghraib thank you

a walton forty two mr alex walton you got it for me

buddy abu ghraib

you know and they

they were doing

the same sort of shit and one of them was

family friends with

sarah palin

for like twenty years

he’s fucking

holding up this guy by his hair

bullet holes in him and shit

oh after he was dead yeah

yeah they’re dead you

know i gotta

admit if i was over there i’d be doing that shit

would you how many people can you

shoot in the head before you don’t get a little

twisted you

gotta find the comedy in it

well the crazy

thing is those fucking poor kids are coming back

you know and you meet them you know

you know side

right yeah they kind of fuck

squelch that by the way but well

at one point in time more people had died in one month

in suicides than had died in combat

i mean it’s

scary shit you know the number

rate for the

month yeah for the month

uh yeah i mean

you’re not supposed to kill another human being

it goes against the i don’t know

especially someone you don’t even know you know

oh it’s okay if you know him

no i mean killing someone

for you know you just get told this is a bad person

go over there and kill them

and you’re over there

going what the fuck i flew to

their neighborhood

i landed and i snuck into

their backyard and i shot them in the fucking head

dude if i think if i ever went to war i

would be the guy crying in the foxhole

during battle

but if i could somehow muster up the balls

to kill somebody

after i did that one it

would be like a fucking

water slide i

mentally would just

get used to it no and no it’s like i just know how my

brain works it’s why you know

i had some buddies of mine who

were you know

going down to brazil

and banging

those girls and doing that and it’s just

and i never went

and they you know why don’t you go it’s like

cause i’ll go down there i’ll come back but mentally

you’ll be fucked

dude i can’t go to a land

where i can go

no yeah where you can go fuck a

bunch of jlo’s for like

eight bucks

and come back here and

think that i can function in society

that’s what

those expacs listen

we need to sit down and talk

about this lately i’d be like shut

up fuck j lo for

eight dollars

get on a plane

in six hours

i could i could

as many as i wanted like

that you could

bring her back here you

could go steal her

bring her back here

yeah i mean

that’s evil if you’re willing to deal

with something

about like hooker

i don’t want to fly to the third

world and fuck the

children of some of the poorest people on the planet

yeah for like dvd money

after my shows

something you know

not to say i’m not a twisted fuck i

think it’s because i know how twisted i am

i try to like

stay away from that shit yeah i’m the same way i’m a

psycho i think there’s a certain well i

think everybody’s a comic is a little bit of a psycho

you know just a the act of

going on stage demanding that kind of attention

lit microphone

voice the whole deal

i woke up the

other day i had an

argument with a girl i went out with fifteen years ago

about what but i ask it’s a long fucking

story just some bullshit

she did something stupid

she did something

stupid all right and i wanted to be like

i was trying

she fucked up in her life

and she fucked up so bad i was actually scared

going how am i

gonna pick her up off the mat

cause i know if i did some shit like that

i’ll be thinking

about kilma

she fucked up so

i’m trying to

build her up

and the whole

time a little more specific about

she just goes now

she just goes i know i know she kept

going i know i know i just

remember being so fucking people like you know what

you don’t know

you’re a fucking moron

but did you

arrogant pig headed

it just you have a nice

house so yeah

so i woke up

and that’s what i was my eyes

weren’t even open

i was laying in a fucking hotel

yelling at it with my eyes closed

and then sort

of knowing in my head how fucked up that is

how long ago was

this argument he had with her like i said it was like

fifteen years ago so by yourself you’re in a hotel room

you wake up your eyes aren’t even open

and you go like you fucking

dummy i told you

yeah that’s

crazy you need

to go to what that is dude

i’ve been you need a cat scan homie

i’ve been to one

wow i got one

whenever i do

letterman i always have a nightmare that i bomb

but i’ve been through enough times and i always

do well so i know i’m fine i thought you were gonna

say whenever i do letterman i always get a cat scan

no no no so

last time i did it

i was having

those thoughts they woke me up in the middle of the

night and i actually

started talking to the voices

i just said oh shut the fuck up it’s

gonna be fine and i

went back to

sleep i swear

to god it’s fine

well sometimes it’s a good

thing to do

to actually have conversations with yourself

i think i think you have to be

aware that you’re a psycho

that’s that’s step one and then just you you know

if you’re a psycho you’re

you can’t be cured of

being a psycho you just have oh

that’s not true

what’s that

stupid show on

showtime where he only kills the bad people dexter

dexter yeah it’s like dexter

no you evolve

you evolve dexter

time you recognize

what you’re doing

wrong with your life you

understand what makes you feel shitty

what makes you feel good and you evolve when does

that happen

that’s worked for me

i’m joking you don’t want to kill anyone

this shit is addictive

the coconut

water is a shit get that little

burst of energy and then you want some more

you’re all fired up you’re looking to

fight one of your brothers right now

fun fun fun fun fun

yeah have you

heard this fucking

song when i talked about it

to you before we

started you

haven’t heard it

it’s a song that’s

by a 13 year old girl

and they were talking

about it on opie and anthony i had already

heard it but i didn’t know the

story behind it and

opie and anthony were saying that

apparently this girl is 13

or dad has a lot of money

and they produced this song for her

and it’s fucking

brutal this poor kid

first of all

there’s like

thirty four million hits in youtube

and when i watched it the

other day is only a couple days ago there’s only

twenty four million so ten million

fucking hits

in a couple days

just because it’s

awful that’s how

awful it is

and people’s lives are awful

yeah but they want to see somebody fail

they do but it’s also

their just like me so

bring it up

i want to see it

dude what the fuck is that

thing that’s an ipad

check this out i

am so far behind in the times that’s like in the future

this is the worst song in the history of the

world and by the way if i was 13 my song would be

worse than this so i’m not judging

when i was 13 my song would be 100 times worse

i love it to you

she’s like dead and listen to the lyrics

what which seat can i take it gets worse

okay what the fuck bro no

no no it’s fine i don’t

want to hear any more of it what is that you getting

emails no that was a twit

come on i don’t shut

your fucking

thing off and this is gets better

i want billboard

to freak out

he’s freaking out

right now see him

it gets worse

all right shut it off no no no you have to

see the part where it spells it out and

writes out what the words are no don’t tell him let him

experience this

how the fuck

are they driving

at 13 that’s

what i want to know for is she

hanging around with 17 year olds that are fucking her

it gets worse

come come come come

by the way this shits gonna be

stuck in your head that friday friday yeah

yeah the music underneath it it’s about

party and party and yeah

here we goes this is the best part

i’m gonna have a

headache tomorrow is saturday and sunday

comes after you know who she’s stealing she said

fifty tyson have you heard from

no oh you know who is this black guy oh i know at

first i thought it was like somebody

famous what the fuck is this

all of a sudden there’s some

black dude with a big

watch he must be the producers like yo yo i’m

gonna make this

video this is a formula

though but i

gotta get in you have

some fucking

horror can’t sing you run it through auto tune

and then you have the

black guy do the guest set

give it some sort of i

wouldn’t say

or i would say 13 year old little girl

but yes yo she’s got a peg

me to do this

her name is rebecca black

that’s the name of this and she’s

going to blow up now

and she’s the next

i got it guys

i got party and yeah

party party yeah

i wanted to keep

watching him because

i knew he was

gonna freak out

have you guys ever seen

mc 50 tyson

yeah we’ll turn it up a little bit more

we can friday friday

and then the black guy is

still there man he lends street cred

he gives her street cred

the thing is

the track isn’t that bad compared

to what are you talking about it’s the one of the worst

tracks in the history of the

music music underneath that shit kills birds

fucking you play that in

a moth sanctuary and butterflies will fall from the top

music that’s that’s

that’s just the shit that’s out there it’s

everybody like hates justin bieber

going what is happening

music it’s like that they’ve always had that guy

that guy’s always been there

kids in the block

kids in the block fucking

david cassidy yeah

you know was that kid who killed himself remember

brian frazier were you around for

brian frazier andy gibb shabb

dancing did he kill himself andy gibb

killed himself no he was fucking

od but there was somebody else the

something about you saying about being a teenager

do you remember brian frazier was he

around your time in boston

all right i hit you last

i wonder what happened to him

he’s a writer now he’s writing but he

went fucking nuts once

about bill hicks

over the years

there’s been a few guys that were big bill hicks

to centers like ari’s a big bill hicks to center ari

says yeah he says important things but

you know he’s not funny

ari just says he’s not

funny he doesn’t make me laugh

never made me laugh

and he like and the

death of bill hicks

is really pretty

funny on his facebook ari goes

now that it’s

bill hicks’s

death in his

honor and you know in seeking

truth as he did

i want you to

admit that he’s not funny

show me one

video where he was

funny and it’s fucking it’s brutal but

he’s got a point

i was a big bill hicks fan but he’s got a

point there’s a lot of that

stuff that’s just not funny

you know and

ari what was my

point well i

think i think what were we talking

about before this

friday friday

what was my fucking point

god damn it

we were talking about

i said she was

a whore you said she’s thirteen oh this is what it was

brian frazier

brian frazier that’s what it is

brian frazier was

going nuts he’s like

everybody says he’s fucking awesome

he goes he’s making fun of new kids on the

blocks making fun of

pop pop culture

he goes that’s what’s important pop

culture he started

going fucking crazy

and i’m like

yeah it is kind of a

silly thing to get all upset

about you know he’s doing like someone sucking

satan’s cock

like it was

tiffany tiffany was sucking

satan’s cock

and he’s like tiffany’s a little girl

she’s a little girl of course your song suck

you’re not supposed to fucking listen to him

he starts going

crazy and i’m like wow i’m like

he’s fucking

right he’s right i

agree with he’s

right but he’s wrong but

no this is what i’ll tell you this is why

sam kennison

is underrated

before he let fame consume him

and he did a special with fucking

girls on the ends of dog

leashes dude his

first specials

his first letterman yes

still holds up yes yes i

with you a hundred percent i

say it all the time to me

that is the test of how

people go talking

about comics now all

this guy’s this this guy’s that you’re not gonna know

until 15 20 years

later and then you go back and you listen to this

stuff does it hold up you know kennison and

86 was the best

comic that ever

lived that’s what i

think the kennison

that came out there was

never a guy like him

there was never a guy who was fucking

screaming how how

he had his own

thing in his

rage but you get in

front of people

see this face to this face

this is marriage


just screaming you know there’s nobody like

that what what

about but he had the ability

to to reel it in and then unleash it like

yeah like a who’s a preacher yeah like a lot of guys

who i’ve been guilty you ever been on

stage you just feel like

jesus i just

screamed for an

hour that was bullshit and i said fuck too many times

to him but him he had

he had the ability

you know when he would

bring it down

yeah when he did that bit

about like necrophilia

when he’s laying

he’s laying face down and he’s goes okay all

right so i’m

dead you know he’s all the way down there and then oh

oh what is that you know how i found out

about him one of the

greatest tags ever

it never ends it

never ends it’s one of the

greatest life

keeps fucking in the ass even

after you’re dead

it never ends but

he he suck but

all of that was in just the line it

never ends yeah

it’s just i

heard about

that bit because

i was working at the boston athletic club and

there was a girl who worked there and she just got home

from seeing the hbo

comedy special with sam kennison and she

reenacted that bit

in the fucking parking lot of the club in

south boston

she got in her stomach

and she goes

so i’m dead i’m

gonna be with

jesus oh oh

what is this

it feels like there’s a dick in my ass

you mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even

after you’re dead

it never ends

it never ends oh oh

and i was like that is the

funny i was 19 and i remember

thinking that is the funniest fucking

thing i’ve ever

heard in my life

and then i got a copy of it

this was the

first time i ever thought

i could get comedy

this is sort of throw off

bit that he did or it was just a cd

after you died

they did like this compilation he did like the

whole that whole bit on captain kangaroo

which would normally be like a hacky bit

but he got into the psyche of

of the guy playing captain kangaroo this was the

later cd right

yeah this was like one of his last ones yeah and he

was it’s one of the

things that he decided not to put out and then

he dies and then somebody else puts it out it’s one of

those things

that’s kinda not fair like

a lot of the

other material

wasn’t you know up to

snuff but he

never released it dirt when he was

alive so i don’t

i don’t criticize him for that but

the the captain kangaroo

bit dude where

he gets into the

psyche of the guy yeah

talking about and he somehow he

brings it all around

to he was an out of work actor so he took the gig

in the end of the bit he’s yelling at his wife

going we needed the cash

you know i didn’t know the kick was

gonna last 20 fucking

years and just

screaming about

his fucking haircut

and just the the horrific life

of this guy of being captain

yeah that’s what makes somebody

great the ability

anybody can be like

you know captain

kangaroo what’s up with this guy like he got

underneath the

whole thing

and just he turned the guy

you saw the actor that played him yeah

which i grew up watching

and here’s the most important

thing and this is

where i mean

again i’m a huge bill hicks fan i

think what he did was brilliant

and he changed the way i looked at a lot of

things and he opened my eyes up to a lot of

things that were fascinating and interesting

but not necessarily

funny and i

would scream and

cheer with it and i

would laugh

along with it because i agreed with it

but you would see

kinesin and he

would make a

point that would fucking have you

doubled over with laughing

and it’s totally different

like there’s a hicks bit that you can find online

about hicks talking about

he wants his

rock stars to have passion it’s another one of

these things you know he wants his rock stars to go on

stage and take good

night everybody and

shoot yourself in the head and do heroin

all these different

things and he’s

screaming and yelling i want him to have passion but

i’m looking at him like but

where’s the jokes

where’s the joke

whereas you

watch a kinesin sketch

especially the

86 kinesin like how

about the fucking thing

about sending

money to the home of the poor kids in africa

and he goes

he goes don’t send him

money send him a guy like me

some guy was

gonna go over there and go hey

we just drove

three thousand

miles with your food

and he’s realized

we wouldn’t have to do this if you’ll be able to live

where the food is

you live in a fucking desert come here come here

you see that see that

that’s sand

no it’s gonna be a hundred years now fucking sand

we got deserts in america too

we just don’t live in them asshole

i know that word

word fucking

genius he’s the best

he was yeah he

was the best

he’s the guy he’s the guy my

my mount rushmores

guy would be

prior kinnison

carlin yes i need like one

other guy hicks is in there for me

hicks is in

there for me but hicks is in there in a different way

he’s like a brilliant social satirist

you say martin

martin lawrence let me tell you something man

don’t discount martin lawrence

dude in the

90s what about steve

martin martin lawrence oh yes oh my

gosh for sure good point

steve martin is a

monster the

early steve martin

fucking i wish he

never stopped man he was so good let’s get small

that shit’s brilliant yeah

well especially martin morris

was because what everybody else

was doing at the time everyone was trying to do what i

think carlin was doing or what

prior was doing

and he just came out with a fucking

arrow between

him and was just being

silly because that’s the thing

too like i love

silly comedy yes

i love that

stupid shit me

too like not saying that his

stuff was stupid but i like that kind of

stuff i like

my stuff when it’s silly

my favorite

stuff is my

stuff that’s silly

i mean i like

angry stuff but i like doing

silly stuff sometimes

you don’t wanna be

the guy who

has to wear the

leather coat smoking the

cigarette going hey man you know

fucking corporations i mean

i have parts of my act

where i talk about like

conspiracy theory and that type of

thing and i’m not into that

but i’m always conscious like one of the words i avoid

when i do my act is the word we

whenever somebody uses that

it’s a fucking turn off to me and i feel like i’m being

preached at i mean

i learned that really

ugh i learned that that’s so

weird i think it’s your

knighting word

no i no it depends on how you do it but i just i saw a

comic a long time ago at the comic

strip and i just remembered he was

going he was

going on and on going like

you know but do we do this no

we want a country

where we can probably

in that form yeah like you don’t fucking

speak to me

yeah that’s

silly now say

say what you think

about it then i’ll listen to your opinion if i

agree with it i’ll

laugh or even if i don’t if it’s

funny i’m gonna

laugh but like

like i don’t like be i don’t like

preachiness i don’t like being

self aware i don’t like

fake shit yeah yeah that you’re being dangerous

or yeah or like pushing an

image or like you

know you’re going on

stage with an

image and you’re trying hard to push it

yeah i worked with this

chick laura

house once you know who she is

she’s a comic

funny girl from

i believe she’s from

texas and she

lived in san francisco and

when she met me

the first thing she said she took a deep breath

she goes i heard you’re really like

edgy and dark and i was so

worried you were

gonna show up wearing black

that’s hilarious

that’s hilarious yeah she goes i was so

worried you’re

gonna be one of

those guys with a

black shirt and

black jeans sitting in the

green room and

angst i have a bill hicks

shirt that says do you

think i’m wearing all

black in the summer because i’m a ray of sunshine

it’s like you know

like i’m wearing but i’m wearing

black i’m dangerous

it is sort of fucking

stupid it’s an outfit no different

than ones that someone wears at burger king or

at a fucking monastery

wearing a big

stupid orange robe

i will give it up to him

like his his

leno bit was

great like he had

great shit but

i shouldn’t say

some of his

stuff was funny you know

i laughed at it but ari

was making a very valid

point that there’s a lot of

fluff in his bits of just him talking

about ideas

there’s nothing

wrong with that i

think it’s interesting

i don’t need to

laugh every

minute to be

entertained yeah like

i said it’s like 20 years

later and then you’re also talking

about a guy

who went down a road

where you’re not

gonna get a sitcom you’re not

gonna leap to

movies so there’s you

gotta give the guy credit oh yeah

that he did that he had a lot of

artistic integrity but that’s also who he was

i mean it’s not like he was

gonna get one anyway dude you’re

gonna get tweets

where people

are gonna get mad at

me where people say kinesin

sucks so it’s one of

those deals

where it all comes down sure i

definitely like personal

taste for me

the guy during that period for me

but i have to be honest

one time i watched

i saw richard pryor’s

first specials

when i was but i hadn’t even done comedy yet

i just moved out of my parents house

and i was with my buddies and we

watched two

we had a vhr

player and a fucking

vhs rather in an

apartment shitty

apartment waltham

and we watched

sam kennison

and then right

afterwards we

watched richard pryor

i was like wow

prior is way better

prior the first

prior the first

prior special

is just fucking brilliant it was brilliant

it wasn’t that he was better

it’s just i’ve almost felt like god why was kennison

screaming so much

you know what i mean

like prior like

prior was so

smooth and so real on stage

where since

kennison was putting on a show

it was a brilliant fucking show

but the way he was talking to you was not the way you

would really talk to someone

you know oh

oh i live in hell

i was married for two fucking years whereas

prior would be talking to you the way he really felt

and you were

drawn into him as a human being well

this is how i look

there’s certain

there’s a very few guys but certain guys

who just take it so far you can’t be surpassed

i would say him

james brown all

funk music that has

come known as ever done it better than that guy

you never you

can’t you can’t

there’s very few guys as a handful of artists that

they’re just you can’t pass that have you ever seen the

james brown live in zaire clip

you wanna shit

we played this on here once with joey diaz

find that brian

pull that shit up on your ipad

james brown live in zai

yeah i’ve seen that that’s it is

what yeah one of the

greatest performances

that human race has ever

seen and this

is the thing that was just one night

yeah yeah just one night

it was like 50

and he kept banging that out all over the country

he would throw that mic

stand off his

shoulder and kick it and

he just fucking it

never missed a beat never

slipped he had

leather fucking

slippery bottom

shoes on spinning around i also liked

as far as like

you know when you work with a comedian and

after like two shows you realize oh this guy

is gonna do the

exact same jokes in the

exact same order

that whole shit with a band

he just starts if he decides he’s just

gonna talk they just

start playing on like a loop

like that’s what i like when i when i i

watch like bands like you can tell when they’re

when they’re improving

is because they don’t look at the

crowd they’re fucking looking at the

same just waiting for some sort of cue like what is he

doing like steve when i used to

watch stevie ray

vaughan yeah like

like some of the live shit that he did

i was knows

tommy shana chris

late in the drum and the

baseball in the drum of

they would always be kind of looking at me and

once you got educated to

watching him enough you

would see the nods

where like sometimes

they would be looking thinking

oh here he comes he’s coming out of it nah nah

he’s going back into more soloing

and then he’d be on his way out and he just

would just sort of glance over at him

and then seamlessly that such shit

just blows me away when

people were able to do that well he’s just practicing

together all the time like that i

guess you just get tuned in

i don’t know i just i’m not a

musician so i don’t

understand it you play drums right

yeah and that’s the kind of

thing but i’m like the same way i watch

sports like

i’m a geek like i wish i played the nfl but you

know i wish

you played drums i wish no i can play drums

i’m decent for a comedian but like

like how good

those guys are

man sure like i went to a fallon tape and i was

watching the

roots i actually got to see them play during

the break dude they’re fucking

ridiculous amazing

they’re ridiculous amazing

they don’t even have to look at each

other that’s what blows me away they just sorta

kj and i glanced at them

let’s do this for a

while yeah well

they probably

think you’re doing that when you go on

stage and you’re

free balling sometimes talking to somebody in the

crowd and all of a

sudden it becomes a bit

and how many times you’ve done that

someone will say something in the crowd

and you go look at this fucking guy he

thinks all of a

sudden he’s at a carnival

hey i’ll have some popcorn please

you know and then you turn it into a fucking bit

how many times have you done that

yeah but talk to people that say

after you get off

stage like is that guy a plant

he goes nah

i was just fucking around with that guy

you made all that up on the spot i know but the thing

about it is

you’re locked into you

right you gotta fucking

worry about

the guy and the bongos and the dude over here like is

this guy paying attention when i go to do this did he

did he see what he just did

like gave the

little nod like i don’t get how it works but like

maybe it’s cause i can’t do it that i’m so

blown away by it but no you good

point i can’t do it either i don’t even i

wouldn’t even know

where to start

i think it’s the same

thing though i

think when you tune into comedy

i guess it’s

gotta be harder because you

gotta have a

bunch of people that are

tuned into make it’s

gotta be all

about everyone making the song better

it can’t be all

about like okay here’s

it’s time for

tommy’s fucking drum solo he needs a drum solo

every song or he gets pissed off

and this guy

gets to go off and then it becomes like

self indulgent

but when it’s

tuned in and it’s

just to make the song better and they do it together

you know i guess that’s what you like

jazz is supposed to be all

about right everybody like

does it together to make

the song better that’s just me

once i got out of that bam

i can’t listen when it

sounds like five guys playing five different songs and

i just read

on my message word

about this cause i said that i hate jazz

and i don’t really hate jazz i just don’t like it

i shouldn’t say

i hate it because i do listen to it sometimes in the

background it’s true

have you ever listened

to that yeah i’ve listened to a lot of different shit

look i don’t but i

wouldn’t choose it over fucking the almond brothers

but you’d choose it over

maybe if it’s

just fucking

leonard skinner

sweet home alabama

music is the only

thing i cannot fucking listen to

other than if it’s

early on oh

man dwight yokom

i can listen to dwight yokom that guy’s a bad

motherfucker and i even like some

stupid shit i like some kobe

t’s i like some i

should have been a cowboy

i like that

stuff i know it’s

stupid i like

stupid shit

i don’t mind i like a lot of

stupid shit it

doesn’t bother

me that it’s stupid

i enjoy some of that

but tough is corny to me yeah me too

i just i get like douche

chicks when i listen

but i have a problem with people that don’t like sam

nelson or something i

shouldn’t do

this i shouldn’t

judge people

but when some people don’t like certain things i

think badly of them

like this girl the

other day said that she

didn’t like

no cause i don’t like

those are fine things

but this girl

said she didn’t like stevie ray

vaughan she’s like

i can’t listen to that

i go what are you talking about

she goes i can’t listen to that it’s guitar

stuff it’s terrible

and i don’t know her very well so i just walked

somebody works for the

ufc i just walked away

i’m like okay

but all i think was that

she’s broken you don’t

like couldn’t

stand the weather do do do do do

see that shit’s cheesy to me now

just because i’ve

heard it so many times

please man you smoke a joint

and listen to stevie ray vaughan live

listen to that shit

stevie ray vaughan and double trouble live

i wouldn’t choose dude he has a fucking live version of

voodoo child that will knock your dick into the dirt

he has the only version of voodoo

child that’s right up there with hendrix

yeah but find that

find another guy though when you

when you talk

about a guy

just took it to the end and he can’t be passed yes

i would say him yes

stevie is as

close as you can

to that but he was

definitely a major

major disciple

yes of hendrix

just to put

that out there

because everyone’s

gonna be writing and

going like actually he

stole a lot from hendrix

well yeah he

certainly did but he also was a huge hendrix

fan and like broadcast it that was the

thing yeah i mean

it was all an

homage to hendrix he

never pretended you know what

great video

for you fans to

watch is to

watch steve

ray vaughan

playing tightrope

live austin

city limits yeah

it’s just out there it’s fucking

ridiculous he was a

tremendous motherfucker dude

he was a tremendous


you know i almost got a

chance to drive him

i drove jeff beck around once

when i was driving limos

and jeff beck and

steve ray vaughan were on tour together and i was

gonna get to

drive steve ray

vaughan i was all

psyched about it

but steve ray

vaughan was such a bad

motherfucker he

wouldn’t take limos took a cab

everywhere he goes

the band would all get in

their limos and

their vans and he

would just get in a cab by himself and

smoke cigarettes

listen to how good this is

crank this shit up jeff beck is unreal

it’s a slightly different version

i mean it’s not what jimi hendrix did it’s different

see he’s got like a little

twang going you know what’s

funny is in the middle

he does a solo

on one of them and he actually is playing

the harmony of a hendrix song when he played with

bandit gypsies

crank this shit up brian

he’s the only guy that comes close to hendrix

with this song

yeah no overall

hendrix stomps him oh yeah he came up with yeah

he’s the man i mean he’s a complete original

but they’re both heroin addicts

that ain’t a coincidence no

he kicked it i think he’s coke he was heroin too buddy

heroin makes you feel that groove

i don’t know what it is but

those singers love that heroin

musicians love that heroin

there’s a great one

even when he

saved it you ever see when he got booed

no he got booed

steve ravon i hope they’re all in hell now no

bring this down this is great

why they why

did the performance gives me

chills too this what happened he went over to the

still not as good as hendrix

the pretty goddamn good but not as good yeah

the the monterey jazz festival he played at

so they pursued him for some

stupid reason they book them

at a jazz festival

and he plays blues he plays loud i mean

other than like

stank swang i mean it’s not a lot of jazzy shit

so everybody had been playing acoustic

up to that point

i think it was in france i don’t know what it was

somewhere over in europe so he goes out there unknown

and he went out there and

starts playing his

stuff and it took

about two three songs in and they

started booing him

and you could see it was affecting him

but when they would

start playing the song dude he

total commitment

it gets me chills

every time i

watch it it’s on one of his dvds they finally showed it

and but that was the time when

david bowie

was in the crowd and

david bowie’s

watching him

going this guy’s a beast

that’s how he

ended up playing the solo on

that song let’s dance

while he was bombing that’s funny

you can bomb

way better as a

musician though than you can as a comic

as a musician all you have to do is just do the song

as a comic this was pretty brutal

cause he was playing by the time he got to the

third song or something like you can audib

you can audibly hear booze

yeah but the thing is

it’s as much as it’s bugging him he still

fucking is just ripping

on the it’s unbelievable and he and he gets off

stage i remember reading the

thing where he said i’m a

total see ray

vaughan head he got off

stage and he’s like

jesus i didn’t

think we were that bad

and then of course he got with

david bowie

but we wanted him to go on tour and do like these

dance steps and he

wouldn’t fucking do it

and he’s just like i’m not doing it’s like

a comedian not selling out and he went back to texas

i’m gonna go back with my trio we’re

gonna try to make it

that way so he got huge credibility that way and then

then he blew up and then a couple years

later he went back to

the monterey

jazz festival of course they were giving him

but we wanted

him to do dance steps

yeah it was probably step one to sucking his cock

that’s probably what it was

he was like

texas two steps on

my fucking volunteer

we’re gonna have a

choreographer we’re

gonna work together and

before our performance let’s just let’s take a shower

they wanted

him yeah he was

gonna be on the let’s dance tour

you know we had that

whole pop you know put on your red

shoes that whole pop and

he wanted it

there was some sort of

thing he was coming down the

stairs and he had to do like some little

dance step with everybody else and stevie would just

yeah i’m not doing it

we just walked down and then finally he was just like

i can’t do this shit this is just yeah

replace me steve

so he left this huge

fucking tour with

david bowie wow

and i heard

he also used to get mad look at all his gossip i know

used to get mad that

the david bowie video

for let’s dance

is david boy with a pair of gloves on

starts playing the solo that stevie played

i heard stevie saw the

video it was like nah he shouldn’t be out there fucking

pretending like he played some shit he didn’t play

wow yeah like all

stuff like that wow now this is all shit that just

like i poured

through the internet just reading all the that makes

sense it’s like

comics that you know i mean how many

comics do you know that look down upon

comics that hired joke writers

you know we know a lot of guys there’s a lot of guys

especially when they hit a certain

level they really

become like

almost like a figurehead

they almost become like a character

and then they have guys

right for them it looks old

school guys especially

well they have a lot of writers you know

you know i mean i

know a guy who has like five fucking writers and he’s a

you know national headliner and he has all

these guys who

come up with his own jokes for him because he’s too

busy with movies and all sorts of

shit that would

be really nice but that is no it’s not

no that isn’t the way to do it this is

an idea tank at

least that’s not the way to do it but like

as far as a business model

so your act

never slips down like

right i look at that with envy but it does

slip i look at it with envy because i go i

could never fucking do that

now watch like five

years now here’s

the problem here’s the problem

louis ck does it

absolutely the best

cause he does a new hour

every year and he does his own hour

it’s all his writing

when you hire somebody else man

you might agree that something’s funny

you might agree that

this idea is

funny and you

might use it as a tool you say well i’m

gonna go on

stage i’m gonna plug this

thing in and

press this button it’s

gonna get a big

laugh it’s gonna work

but it’s not

gonna be your

thoughts being projected that’s why i can’t

get past it i can’t get past

it how can i

stand and if it kills

and you be like you want to be like oh yeah keep it

going for frank

frank wrote that one you know no disrespect to the

comics that we know that

do use writers

that do use writers but they do not have the same

impact on me as guys like norton or guys like louie

or guys who i know

write their own shit

the guys so i know that this is

their thoughts like norton

especially i got norton’s new cd sent me despicable

it’s awesome fucking hilarious it’s very fun norton’s

oh by the way

norton is doing

my podcast tonight we’re doing it live at the smod

castle by the

time you hear this if you’re on itunes it’s tuesday

the 23rd and the

22nd do you

stream yeah

so it’s probably not

gonna be on you stream

and if you’re listening on itunes it already happened

but it’s tonight we’re gonna do

at nine o’clock at the smog

house we’re

gonna try these out we’re

gonna start doing live ones

in front of an audience

i think it’d be fun

50 people we put

the tickets online and sold out in two hours

so did these

they already have mics and

everything yeah they have it all set up and

he has it completely

wired for a podcast

and then you just put it in an

sd card and he records

it and gives it to you and you can upload it that

night nice but anyway i did

tom greens down there was

great yeah i did his too

and norton is doing my

thing tonight

so i’ve been listening to a cd

over the last

night on the

way to the gym it’s fucking hilarious it’s so

twisted and

crazy he’s so

funny man i

saw him when i was in austin i was there for the

to ufc and i had the friday

night off so a

buddy of mine who lives in austin

where i said hey you know jim lawrence

let’s go see him

fucking killed it he was so funny dude

he made me want to go home and

write and he made me do

shorter sets

did like 50 minutes

and i’ve been doing this

thing lately

where i did

like i was doing like an hour and a half sometimes two

hours and i

do like a big question and answer at the end

but i always felt like

in a lot of ways it kind

of like took away from the energy of like just one big

powerful performance big

time i am a huge believer that you

don’t go beyond an hour i’ve done that and it’s like

you know you

do an hour that’s perfect they get it you’re

funny they walk out they got that excitement

yeah because i

pour myself out selling dvds

afterwards if i do an hour and 10 an hour and 15

they come out like yeah they’re like

especially if you don’t

close strong yeah no even if you do though

even if you do it’s just they’re fucking exhausted yeah

and it’s just like 50 to an hour

is you’ve given them their

money’s worth and

the classic

show business you left them wanting more

but you go beyond that

dude i saw a guy one time he did two hours okay

right in an hour

i looked at my watch

i just instinctively

i was like how much has he done oh

write it out look at me

this is my first kind of

okay i get it

i get it yeah this is your take on the

world i get it

out 15 hour and 20 dude hour and 25 my fucking ass is

starting to fall asleep i

agree and by

hour and 35

i came up with a strategy

for me and my girl to

leave because it was like was in a theater

and it was really

gonna be noticeable if we got up and left so

i ended up being

the bad guy she got up made it look like she was

going to the bathroom

and then i just

grabbed both our cooks i was

excuse me excuse me i saw people like oh my god

he was walking out it really

it really is

just too much to sit there and listen to well

that depends though depends though

cause i’ve seen some guys

i’ve seen some hour and a half sets

where i was fucking real

happy that the show didn’t end

like i saw chappelle

do an hour and a half at the comedy

store and i

enjoyed the fuck out of it i

enjoyed the

whole hour and a half

but then again i’m a

stand up comic i’m

a sewer of comedy

i had the night off i don’t fucking have to get up at

seven in the morning i don’t have

at the time i didn’t have

a normal job that i had to go to and work all day

so it’s like when

especially friday

night late show dude the show’s fucking 10

o’clock these people been up

since seven

you know that’s a long ass time they’re tired

as shit you’re burning the crowd

out and they’re drunk

you know and they’re

trying i think

it actually it decreases

them wanting to come and see you again

i definitely like if you go out there just

fucking just

blasted the

face that’s

it that’s boston

style too yeah

boston style is

short and nobody

in boston ever did a fucking two hour set

they would look at you what are you

fucking retarded

he would even do

forty remember

those fucking

next comedy

stop sets where the fucking headliner

would do twenty minutes

everybody would do twenty

there be five guys doing

twenty minutes

and they would

do the same

twenty minutes for a hundred years and it

would be honed

to a samurai

sword sharpness yeah

don gavin his timing

he could talk

about anything and it

would be brilliant because he had talked

about it so long

he knew the

exact right beats and how to pause

not see all

those guys don

gavin made me

think that i shouldn’t have been in comedy

made me think how

could i ever be as good as this guy i was an open micro

watching him

fucking destroy one

night it was stitches

comedy club okay

and it was the new stitches

which wasn’t

as good as the old stitches it was nice because it

was bigger and it had a restaurant attached to it but

there was like carpet on the floor

the ceiling was a little too high didn’t absorb

it didn’t bounce back to

laughter like the old stitches

the old stitches were dark anyway

the fucking shows long dude it was like an open mic

night and you know

fifteen twenty

unfunny wannabe

assholes over and over

again go up and i was one of them

and then at the end

kevin flynn

i was part of

the yeah i was part of the problem for sure and i was

thinking wow this audience is exhausted at the end

kevin flynn

brings up don

gavin and he fucking

crushes he crushed to the

point where me and

chris mcguire

and a couple

other guys were sitting in the back room

hands in our face like the fucking home

alone kid going we

should just quit comedy yeah

we can’t do this

and we’ll never be able to do this i’m

never gonna be that good we got

we need to stop

right now no that

was a great

thing i think

about that shit like

thank god i

started there

fuck there was a few

places like san francisco boston

in new york city

was a great

place back in the day i don’t know it’s like now but

they are not the same

unfortunately the last stop’s gone and now

they do it on

sundays they call it the

comics union i think

but the old last stop the old one in

river oaks was the shit

you know that was

the place where you know i mean

kennison started out back then

you know they used to have it was the comedy annex i

think they called it

yeah by the time i got out there that

place was already gone

unfortunately man

i recorded my

first cd there

yeah and hicks did his

first special sandman

yeah the same club

see that thing

on the wall that’s from 99 that’s what i recorded my

that was my warner brother cd

i’m gonna be dead someday and i did that in houston

that was when i was on newsradio and

there was only one

place in the country

where i would sell out

every show and that was houston

i’d sell out way in advance

like i would sell out the

whole weekend by friday no one does

no i didn’t do that anywhere else

you know and there’s nowhere else but the

maybe i didn’t

maybe i sold out

one night in advance

the point is

there was no

place where

they would stuff in

extra people and violate the fire code

when i recorded my cd there

they stuffed in 50 60 people

over the fire code i mean there was people there was

chairs in the

aisles and shit it was ridiculous

but it was because that was the

style of comedy that they

loved like hicks and kinesin and they were both dead

by that time

like they had

like houston had developed

his taste too

did one of those

guys live yes both of them i saw both of them live

i saw kennison live only as an audience member

but i saw hicks live when i was already a

comic i saw him

live at least

three times

one time i left

the room because it wasn’t doing so well

it was just like the audience

had no idea who he was

and he was just on

stage talking

about debbie gibson

and jimi hendrix and

just fucking people

weren’t buying it

there’s a couple times

where i saw him

where he absolutely destroyed though

one time at the old comedy

connection man

where he was just on his fucking game man

he just destroyed

just just came in

their guns blazed

all this shit

about jim fix

dying while jogging

and all that shit you know because

jim fix was the

jogging guy

yes and the eel brenner bit

you know he had yule brenner

yil brenner

you know jim fix

would get up and do we

track at dawn jogging and yule brenner

would be coming home and his

head out of the limousine two

chicks blowing them smoking a cigarette

and they’re both dead

and he’s like

you know he’s dead and i’m dead shit

i was fucking up at dawn doing yeah

i mean it was really

the only guy i saw from back then i saw dice clay

at the height

of i saw him at the worcester centrum

i sat of the

second to last row in the

upper deck eddie griffin

unknown eddie griffin opened up

and we were all

like booing to go

bring out the phone

look at dice

man and i was doing that

i was doing that dumb audience you know how

old we is dice is

gonna like us

cause we’re

treating his opener like shit

and eddie griffin was hilarious he’s like fuck all you

motherfuckers and then he actually got the

crowd he turned him around and

everything but

how old was i at the time 20 yeah

i saw kennison when i was 19 when i was working for

great woods i was working for

great woods performance arts center

like you know wait a

minute yeah i saw

eddie murphy on the raw tour out did you yeah

i didn’t see

eddie murphy out there but i saw bill cosby

i saw roddy dangerfield

out there i saw

dangerfield out there too dangerfield was

naked with a robe on

he would go with a bathrobe on and

slippers and that’s how you do comedy

fucking naked his balls hanging out

he’d go backstage

his balls were hanging out he didn’t give a fuck

he liked to do comedy

naked with a robe on

and destroyed by the way one of the most underrated

comics of all time oh yeah

fucking destroy when i saw me at the

classic getup with the red tie

is here something you said before that i wanted to

go back to because

we both agree with this

about this and i’ve talked

about this before is that hicks

or not in a hicks rather

kinesin was

genius in the beginning but then terrible at the end

he’s my perfect example

of a guy that got famous

and he got huge and then he bought into his own hype

and then he became a character and he stopped writing

and he was doing

well i don’t

think i’ve ever seen a guy handle it

worse yeah me too

if you just

watch the difference between his

first and second lettermen

his first letterman like you know

they say that like you

know they give that intro like

jesus we don’t

this next guy

this next guy is

gonna be different

we know there’s that era of like something

crazy could fucking happen and usually it’s just hype

will this guy’s

crazy but it’s

it’s his act is he’s crazy

but it’s like kennison it was real

and he came out dude i mean he

just fucking came out he was walking up into the crowd

and it wasn’t cheesy it

was just it was

it was amazing and then

by his second one he comes in he just comes yeah

do you know that his


was that game paul what’s

going on and he just was just like too relaxed

two in yeah he was just like

i made it not hungry he just

said i made it yeah well

he’s a fat guy

you know at the end of the day he’s lazy

i mean that’s really

true i mean fat people are fucking lazy

you know his

personality and his book his brother

built his brother

his brother’s name forget his name i met him

unfortunately i forgot

his name whatever his name

is i’m sorry

whoever you are sir taco

his brother who

wrote the book

wrote that he was

a normal kid and then he got hit by a fucking truck

he got hit by a car

and when he got hit by a car he got fucked up

and he came out of that

head injury

a completely different person

and then it became like reckless and fearless

and a fucking wild person like

the accident

literally made him sam kennisson

because you think

about him like

who the fuck

thinks like that

who has that kind of boldness to go on

stage and scream and yell

about things

you know and did

you ever see when he was preaching

you ever see the

videos of him preaching yeah

he’s breaking a man he’s

great holy shit

i mean it was so

there’s like a rhythm

to someone preaching

when they believe

and the lord touches me

you like fuck i mean know

what i know what i’m saying is

none of the applause break yeah

nobody knows how to

build they fucking

well that’s why he was such a good

comic because he

would add those principles he

would draw it out like

ladies and gentlemen i know

the devil’s in this room

and they would

oh yeah and he

would bring him down yeah yeah yeah the devil

would like you to believe

that there’s something

wrong with the lord

you know and he

starts walking back and forth and then it

builds up to this

but i’m here to tell you

jesus is alive

jesus is with you

he’s with and then everybody’s fucking screaming

and i don’t buy anything in it yet

shit but i love

watching preachers i watched a guy you know he’s just

clearly a bigoted psychopath

but he was fucking a phenomenal performer

you know that guy he

would bring up people who like

you know who

were living like probably the life that we’re living

and he had this

way of saying what they were doing and then he

would just sort of look to the side and

shake and he’d

laugh every time i got

now he would read a

quote what somebody said

like you know this guy says premarital sex

it’s not a bad

thing it doesn’t do anything for your soul it

doesn’t do anything bad to your soul right

and then he just had this look it was like carson

watching carson when he

would look over at the band he just had this

thing where he

would just sort of look down

and the crowd was just like

oh here he comes

he’s gonna take the piss out of this guy

it’s like watching your favorite wrestling

here he goes here he goes and the guy

builds it all the way up and i

would just you know

and it was one of

those things

where i would actually

start getting into it like hey

maybe this guy’s got a point

and then they

would just say something horrific

about gay people

or just something that just you just realize

how does an

adult think something like

that meanwhile he probably couldn’t wait to get off

stage and fuck some kid

go to thailand

bang some kids i mean yeah

you know dude i got in this huge

thing with this fucking guy on the

internet like it’s the last time i’m getting with like

i fucking like

dude i’m putting 10 deep

on emails 10

emails deep

damn about what

about how i said why i stopped

going to catholic church

and this guy was

upset at that

yeah and he bothered to

argue with that he was

cause i’m an

idiot i come from a

you know i can’t i take the fucking

bitch just that one

um because no

because there’s there’s a sense of

i don’t know what the fuck it is what the word is that

super religious people have

that you know you just

wanna boners

know you just want to expose like

their bullshit right

all right so i just said listen you know i stopped

going because i was

going to church and

every time the

basket came around and i was putting the

money in i felt like i was given

money for a fucking defense attorney

to defend these guys who

look the other way

during pedophilia

right or whatever so his his big

issue was saying that

i couldn’t say

that they were kid fuckers because

most of the people who got

uh violated were teens

and i was like oh

great see you

great on a fucking

scale so he

directs me to this wikipedia

page it was over ten thousand fucking incidents

that they’re talking

about it this

is just the ones that were reported forget

about the kids who killed themselves or

didn’t come forward because they were too embarrassed

they 10 000 instances

22 of them were

10 10 years of

age and under

so i go let’s just

round it off to ten

grand that’s

twenty two hundred cases

of diddling a kid how many kids do you gotta fuck

before you get

labeled as a kid fucker because the other ones

and and he was trying to spin it that

i was actually helping pedophiles because i wasn’t

going to church

and the church did all

these things

and people back

in the day were confused they thought it was a you got

trolled they

thought it was like a

spiritual exactly

that was me i was

crying you got

trolled by a fourteen year old pretending to be no no

no no no no

no no cause it happened impossible

impossible you can’t

trick me i know a real religion no

because no cause there’s this

certain things

that he was

going through

cause i was sitting at some

point goes this guy just trying to piss me off

but dude he

got all the way into the fucking i’m a correctional

officer my grandfather was a correctional officer

and i work with these

pieces of shit i mean if i did it was the

greatest one ever

there should be a

website i trolled bill bird

yeah everyone’s in their

troll seems easy

it seems easy it seems like i want to try it

i know me too

i’m thinking

about getting a fake

email account

with you i fuck with you

every day i’m

gonna bring up you

know what i don’t like

about this angle

is you’re acting like this people who go to

those churches who aren’t that fucking

stupid with

there is but there’s a lot more people that

would like to fuck with you now that they

know how easy it is

look my message board

right now they’re

sharpening up your

dicks right now it’s like

break your ass

no but it’s over

no no no no

you say it’s not they’re

gonna get nice and

subtle with you

they’re gonna

start off nice and slow they’re

gonna say something to you about some

pictures that’s online of you a girl you’re dating yeah

just don’t send any

photos of you and your dick

yeah at the same time that your face and they’re

gonna know some shit

about you that’s personal some inside shit and they’re

gonna exploit it you’re

fucked no no

no you got an

issue bro you’re you’re in trouble

i’m not you’re easy to

troll i’m not

and screen capturing they

exist i want

you to you were

thinking about coming to

jiu jitsu i talked to you

about it for a

while you were

thinking about doing it

just even if you don’t want to do that

get a goddamn

punching bag

it’ll make a better bill burr

just get a bag and some

gloves it’s so easy that’s nice and

cute and shit

but i’m at the

white cocker

you get off telling me that i need

to not take the bait you are

way worse at this than me

i’m telling you

no no this is what happened you

basically just said

that i got trolled and now you’re presenting it as fact

having not read any

emails obviously

you’re arguing

court you argue with me

now you trying to

bait your fucking listener

troll you and

you sending me fucking

emails it’s

ridiculous this easy

this is how easy it is to get you

upset you were

trolled right now

i can tell you

right now i

could get you

i could get you

if i didn’t tell you what my feelings

about weed were

i could i had you

standing up with a fucking vein even high

i could make you

freak out if i pushed your buttons i

would start

laughing at you i

would say it’s

ridiculous that’s

right i forgot

this is the new spa joe rogan

to stop yourself you

can’t trick

me with that one of the

great things

about being

a psycho is you can spot another one across the room

for you to sit here but i manage my psychosis

better than you that’s all it is buddy

i’m not saying that i have it on the

line bubbling

brook in the back i get

it i’m not saying i got an underline

i’m saying i’ve got it

i’ll go with

that you’re a little out of hand you’re

going back and forth with

a guy who believes that the church protects pedophiles

yeah i like to debate

i go back and forth with fucking jets fans

i hate the oh you’re

crazy i go back and forth on them

did you hear

about this fucking guy you know i’m only kidding right

what about all i mean i don’t really

think you’re a loser i don’t think that now you never

said you really i mean i don’t think that you’re gonna

i know this is

i want people to know that this is all

in fun i want people to know that this is all in fun

why would you do

that just because

people rate moment on the part

because people don’t

understand like people go whoa fucking

these idiots on my message

board will go joe rogan and bill burke got issues

i thought but they really got into it all year

bill versus joe

comics fuck

around like this all the time this is what we do

and especially people that you know

especially if you live on the west

coast you never really

understand that sort of

sense of humor

that’s why people didn’t

understand the gilbert

gottfried thing

to me it was like you know when he

started tweeting

about japan i’m like

so east coast

comic would do i mean you know you got it you

go for the jugular

thing yeah i didn’t

first of all

how many people

knew but high people

even knew he did the

voice of the duck

you know yeah yeah

who fucking

that’s just like that

classics apparently it’s a lot of

japanese people that were in

this insurance

company it’s one of the reasons why i was busy

i always knew

did you hear

about this high profile

vegas drug prosecutor

this guy he busted

bruno mars he busted

paris hilton

on all the cocaine charges

he got arrested for buying crack

do you believe

that shame you must

know who you hang out with but i was thinking

about this when we were talking about you know

pedophiles and you know

all these fucking

crazy people that don’t want to believe it’s like

how many people that

go against something really

want to do it

i mean how many fucking people like that

how many people

that are against gay like the ted haggards of the world

that are against gay marriage

against gay this against that

would say something like that yeah

yeah i remember that guy that got busted in new york

really recently he was a

a judge or something

like that he got busted in some sort of an

influence scandal

and it turns out that he was voting

against gay

marriage and he was fucking gay

you know the

guy’s gay and he was living with a guy and he’s

making all these votes

against gay

rights yeah

which goes back to religion if

they just let people live and be who the fuck they were

yeah you wouldn’t have people

doing shit like that but as far as like the drugs

i think a lot of people

going after drugs that they

seriously are like

against them but i think

you know the

thing you gotta

watch out who you hang

out with because you end up doing what they’re doing

i think eventually

you just try it you think

you’re in the evidence room

wow really you feel try

crack you’re feeling a little

sleepy you could leave me

alone with buckets of

crack in my

house and i’m not

gonna smoke it

yeah but you just

leave it all over the

place i’m never

gonna touch the

crack i do it

this is what i would do

i leave you with booze

first get you when you like eleven you know

and we move the weed

is a develop

a human which is like a gateway drug

right you go to the weed

and and mushroom

then it all depends on what you wanna feel

like for you i see why the way your

makeup you wanna feel

less smell like it

joe rogan on coke

you’d start you’d be like godzilla you’d

start stepping on fucking skyscrapers downtown so

it would be hard to get you to go the

crack root but like hallucinogens and that type of

thing will be

well my buddy

jimmy when i was in high

school my buddy

jimmy used to do coke and

he told me whatever you do don’t do it you’d like it

don’t do it

yeah that’s why i

do it well that’s why i

never really fucked around

tweet cause

i knew when i finally did it i loved it

i definitely

loved it and

i get a lot of shit in my podcast

cause people

think i’m anti weed

cause they’re fucking mor i got a million

tweets about this yeah

no i’m not anti weed

i’m just saying stop acting like it’s not addicting

like this that it’s just it’s just

like can be

well no it’s not just like alcohol

but it can be addictive psychologically

physically though physiologically it’s not physically

okay whatever


whatever you

want to call it but like

those wake and bake guys yeah

those guy i got a

buddy of mine who

smokes weed because i said why do you

why do you like

dude anna seriously fucking with his life

and he keeps

going dude weed is not the

issue i go why

first of all why do you do it he goes

i like weed

cause it turns

my life into a movie

alright and

it’s like this dude like i don’t know i don’t

wanna fucking ran him out or nothing like that but

he’s lost a job

cause he flunked a fucking drug test

that’s a shitty

job whatever

job that was that

job sucked okay any job that you can do that’s boring

as fuck you can do on weed and it becomes interesting

you know no

no i’m not saying

that it’s a bedroom i’m saying but this guy he

gets fucking high

because he’s

keeping life yeah he’s

using it the way an

alky uses alcohol works just like i got all this pain

i don’t know

how to process it i don’t want to deal with it

let me just let me just get fucked up

that’s how he does it and dude i’m telling

and the thing

about it the

thing about it is to with weed

is i can’t go to work drunk

you know what i mean but

you can be high you can go to work

fucking high and as long as you can handle your shit

people aren’t

gonna fucking notice

i like i just there’s a bunch of

emails i got i got a guy go you know yeah i handle with

great just every night i

smoke a little fucking bowl

and then i go to bed

and it’s just like what if i you know

drank a beer and a half two beers so i got buzzed

every fucking

night people

would be looking at me like dude i

think i think you have like a

drinking problem that you have to get he’s like

sedating himself so he’s

using it as like a fucking sleep aid

i’m not saying

and i but i don’t have any problem with me i

think it makes you feel great

and that type

of shit it’s just like anything as long in moderation

but people who sit there

it annoys me that on intervention they’ve

never had just some pothead

who’s been fucking high

since he’s 16

and he’s still

watching like fucking the

hanna barbera hour

and you know

cause it doesn’t

compare to the

meth guys pulling his face off with his fingernails

know that seems a lot worse

that’s the no

no that’s definitely

worse but that’s that’s what

then if you know meth heads they’re the fucking

worst does that mean you shouldn’t go after the

there’s also a

difference between

not being in your normal

state you’re

escaping your normal

self so even if you’re wheat

stoned all day you’re

escaping your sober

self your core

self which is always a problem in some ways

you know what i mean

does people go i

drive better when

i’m high yeah

i know exactly what he’s talking

about there’s

so many people that we know that just wake

up from the beginning they wake up they have to get

stoned to go to bed

and they’re

never their sober

self because

they’re hiding something

that’s all i’m talking

about i’m not

i agree a hundred percent i

think with the

vaporizer it’s probably a thousand times

more healthier than

drinking a fucking six pack you know what

they all have in common

they’re all fucking hilarious yeah

that’s the problem absolutely

listen when i was on fear factor i totally self

medicated i used to get high before every show

after the first

season i got high before

every fucking show

i was so bored

doing that show

i mean sometimes it was cool don’t get me

wrong i’m very

happy i had

the job it was a fucking wonderful opportunity

great people to work with

you know the producers and everyone was

the fucking the crew

fantastic it was just a wonderful job

but i would rather be doing other shit

you know yeah i wanted the

money and i wanted to do it and i was

gonna quit but man

you know at certain

points in time i mean how

many fucking animal dicks can you feed people before

you like what the fuck am i doing with my life

you know how many times can you hang somebody by a

crane and go ready

three two one go

right you know how many

think about you it’s like

you smoking weed

doesn’t affect you

from prevent you

from fucking coming up with the new hour of material

doesn’t prevent you it

doesn’t it helps you’re

okay yeah and you’re not

slacking off and

slacking off and

sucking up your

motivation all right

so yeah i’m not saying

like people just thought i was just straight across the

board saying it was bad i wasn’t saying that

i was just saying like i just got sick of people going

yeah it’s not addicting

i drive better when i’m high and like there was no


yeah like there’s repercussions to fucking

everything you know

especially if you’re smoking that fucking

og kush that a lot of dudes like to

smoke that that indica

there’s two different types of weed

sativa and indica

and the sativas

are like more heady like

you want to go

watch a documentary on space

and the indicas

you just want to

watch cartoons and eat cereal and sleep

they’re two

really different

effects and most of the country only gets that weed

most of the country gets the

sleepy weed

they get the couch

weed you know what i

found lately that

sleepy weed’s the best weed to have sex on that’s like

ecstasy on weed

yeah that kind of makes sense yeah

well you know

what though the regular weed’s pretty awesome too

yeah you know what’s the best for sex eating weed

when you eat weed you get that body buzz

you get that because

it really affects you in

a different way because it’s a different chemical when

it’s processed by your liver and

that’s the best for sex

like everything

feels better i

watched the

oscars and it was like the best

oscars i had

was i heard

that there was some bad monologue or something i didn’t

i don’t watch any of that nonsense i

think people awards

are ridiculous was the moment

james franco you

could just see tapped i was just like i fuck this

yeah i came out

in a dress and you’re not

gonna laugh at me go fuck yourself

and just had this look on his face i’m

gonna keep working who gives a fuck it was great

he starts taking his

phone out and starts

checking it

was like a comedian

when you just look at a

crowd and he’s like

these people are fucking

idiots well how

about those shitheads that got upset at

what’s his name the english guy

there was breaking

gervais yeah it was doing the golden

globes they got

upset at him because he was i

thought that that

was funny but i didn’t

think he deserved any sort of

edgy points

i mean it’s like you show up

and you have a

staff of writers

write roast jokes and you

took to like yeah cause

everything was

like it was

this amazing fucking can you believe you know

you fucking get a

staff of writers to write

roast jokes to

sling them at people

armed with acceptance speeches

it’s like and then what you do go down and fucking

start slapping around some

first graders

i just think that that’s a gig

where it’s really easy to come off as edgy

i mean people are

gasping and what was he doing a

robert downey jr rehab joke

it goes back to that hick

shit that you were talking

about it’s just like

i thought it was really like

like i just look at that gig well

that’s like the comic

where you get like a

corporate gig

and they go listen don’t talk

about this don’t talk

about this and work

clean okay and you

agree to it

and then you go out there

and then you just say

fucking blah blah blah

and you’re walking around like you’re fucking lenny

bruce you’re not

you’re just a douche

you’re just a douche

if you didn’t want to do the gig

if you don’t like celebrities you

think they fucking suck

what are you doing at an award show with a fucking

tuxedo one greg fitzsimmons was telling me a

story about a gig that he did in new hampshire

you had to drive up there it’s like fucking four

hours in the middle of nowhere

and he did the gig

and they told him whatever you do you can’t

swear don’t say fuck

so he goes on

stage he goes

apparently i’m not supposed to say fuck

what’s out about

he gets off stage

they have his bags packed

like right there by the side she

get the fuck out of here you’re fired

and so he has to

drive home and and you know he was telling it to rich

sliceler actually

and slicers like they let you

drive home at

night usually they tell you to

never drive at

night because there’s

moose up there

like fuck this kid

he said the evil word

but yeah that’s a douche but that’s a

thing you do when you’re 20 you know you’re

yeah and you

think you’re like yeah

so that’s how

i always viewed it i viewed it like because

i went through that period but i sort of viewed it like

it’s like they’re telling you what they want

and they hire you

to do this and you’re

agreeing to

fight it’s like that fucking kid at

byu everybody’s

flipping out

like he had sex and they kick him off team

they said what they

expected and you signed a fucking contract

you know don’t go to the

school yeah but the idea of stopping

teenagers for fucking it’s just like saying don’t

drink water is

ridiculous i’m not saying it’s

smart i don’t

agree with it i

think it’s fucking

ridiculous but

who in their

right fucking mind signs a contract

and says i’m not i’m not gonna fuck

that had to

have been all written up back in the fucking dark ages

though right it

was in brigham

young university that’s a mormon university

right i don’t

agree with it but it’s one of

those things don’t take the gig

you telling me that guy couldn’t put a ball

through a hoop in someplace else yeah but it’s not like

byu is fucking

north carolina

or some really like you know


like where all

these like jordans and

james worthies came from

byu is like the best they got

they’ve had a couple of

seasons with like

steve young and

jim mcmahon

they’ve had like great

great teams with

their football

but now with

basketball it’s fucking byu i

have no idea what you’re talking

about now you lost man

all right but you know what you listeners

right do they know you

sort of sports for

fucking losers out there

all right it would be like i’m kidding i don’t

think you’re a loser if you like basketball right

settle down

put your panties

straighten them out see this is people

people online

with that talking about them not you

talking about those people out there and you just get

upset because i cuz i

said you’re a fucking loser if you like

basketball and then i’m like

relax everybody on twitter i’m just joking around

these are just jokes

these are just jokes hey did you see gallagher

i heard that he fucked and

got a stroke on

stage right no i saw he was on the

local news one of the saddest fucking

things i’ve ever seen he’s

standing outside of his house that he somehow owed

he’s owned for 30 years

and he’s having an auction

he’s selling all half the shit you’ve seen in a special

what he’s selling

these off cause he’s losing his house

jake i’m telling you

i’m telling you

right now they’re on fucking tv talking

about barry bonds

and roger clements

and what they you know what baseball

they should be hunting down

these bankers and fucking

shooting in between the eyes

i need to own a

house for 30 years

and you’re getting

kicked out of it i thought it’s a 30 year loan

well he probably didn’t

pay his loan

but you know

he protects

second mortgages and probably didn’t pay it

i didn’t hear that he got

getting kicked out of his

house though i was like selling

large bananas but he just had a fucking

heart attack on stage

dude i don’t get how you’re in a fucking

house for thirty years

you’re doing road gigs

and you somehow can’t afford to keep your fucking house

dude those mortgages it’s

modern day fucking slavery

it’s ridiculous

right but that’s

but how can you say that when you say that a kid

should be able to go to brigham young

and sign a contract that he’s not

gonna fuck you don’t

think that it’s just as

ridiculous that someone

signed this contract for a

second mortgage and

this is why they’re

agreeing to that

because you can’t live outside

huh well you’re a fucking

idiot you’re an

idiot man if

you’re homeless you better have some friends

sleep on the

couch you’re the

dummy who wants to take out a

second mortgage and you

think you can

pay it off i mean it’s an

agreement it’s like

you’re not dealing

with a lone

shark who i

completely disagree with really

because i feel like

first of all it

should take you 30 fucking

years to pay the

thing off didn’t take bill gates

thirty years you

shouldn’t take

donald trump

thirty years is a lot of people that play this

capitalism game

they figured out a way to do it and this guy didn’t

he didn’t pay his fucking bills

it’s that simple organic

or something

crazy organic


maybe something happened i don’t know

about forget it right

no it’s just how the game is set up dude

banks and insurance companies are the two most

crooked motherfuckers out there yes i

agree and as you get older

you start having health fucking problems

and you have a little

heart attack and

then you got you know you get hospital bills do they

look this is what the deal they want you to run on the

wheel for thirty

years and then they want you to fuck up financially

so they can kick you out and

stick somebody else

listen to what you’re saying you are

right now doing

exactly what you say you hate comedians doing

they want you to do this and they want you to do that

that’s just the same as we

it’s the same

thing notice

you’re making this them what you’re

doing is you’re being like the guy who sent me the

email and you’re

defending pedophiles in a financial way

i’m not defending them at all you’re saying look i

think the system is

completely fucked up and

a lot more people

should be in jail

than burning

it off i think that they

should fucking

front end load the interest

i think gallagher made millions of dollars

that’s what i

think and i

think if gallagher lost his

house he’s probably a fucking idiot

absolutely and then i

heard gallagher

on the marin

podcast like running off and i’ve seen gallagher on

opie and anthony he’s a douchebag all those

stupid jokes she was trying to play on patrice

this is the thing

this is what i can’t stand

about this shit is gallagher’s the douchebag

but what about the fucking bankers

do that made homeless guys qualified to get a fucking

home okay but

that’s a different argument they

drive we were talking

about gallagher

i’m never gonna

defend bankers

gallagher i’m

never gonna defend

gallag or bankers

or gallagher fuck gallagher

obviously i don’t know the guy’s finances

shit it just

any chance i

had to take a shot at fucking bankers have you

seen inside

job yet it’s on a

warp crisis

i just got it and i’m

gonna watch it tonight i was

gonna watch it last

night but i’m trying to fix my pool

stroke a guy

named stevie moore told me my

elbow comes up in a

funny way i

gotta fix my pool

strokes a lot

i’ve been telling you that for

years you have

i’ve been watching pool instructional

street now is there any

hotter than a fucking hot

chick who’s good at pool

there’s a few

but the problem is you don’t

wanna beating you

you don’t want a girl beating you that’s a very

masculine game

i know guys that

when i would play in tournaments

they would have to play

women they would freeze up

even good pro players

they freeze up they panic

cause they don’t

wanna lose to a chick

i like bowler

chicks dude it’s not like she’s

bench pressing more than you she

doesn’t matter she’s playing

ball into a hole pool is a very manly game cause it’s

about controlling your instincts

and controlling your emotions and staying calm and

focused and showing that you can fire

when they’re

under pressure

pool the big thing

about pool is not playing for fun

the big thing

about pools gambling

that’s where pool really

what pool means i think

pool halls are manly

well what pool means

is pull the

money in and gamble

that’s what it was

invented i mean that’s

literally the name the origins of the name pool

the game is pocket billiards that’s the real game

it’s called pool because you fucking gamble on it

and when guys are gambling man last

thing you want to do is lose

money to a chick in a game

when you dog the ball you

panic and you think you

don’t miss this nine ball this is it this is

everything put

the jars in the hole

moment when he’s

gonna lose to her in the driving

thing yeah man

gotta beat marsha

gotta get closer than a

quarter of an inch and he

knocks the fucking

egg off the car listen man i remember i had

a sit up contest

with my cousin when i was like 11

and i was fucking so

devastated that she was beating me in a sit up contest

i was super

upset people were 11

i know but look

some people don’t mature

that’s what i’m saying some guys it just

look i’ve lost to girls in tournaments before

and i didn’t enjoy it

back when i was like in my

early 20s i didn’t like it at all

playing some fucking i

can lose to a woman

in anything

other than an argument if i lost in an argument that

would fucking kill me

like really

just no but

i mean just like

like whatever she yelled

louder than me i mean like she got you down she just

got you just like

reams of information and that’s why

you’re wrong go fuck yourself

does that ever happen that

would drive me nuts

has that ever happened i lost an argument

to the yeah but this is the thing

i should have

clarified that not a girl i’m in a relationship with

right that’s a big

thing with me if i’m wrong

i admit i’m

wrong in a relationship you

gotta do that because

then you’re setting up if they’re

wrong for them to tap up

and that will

save it dude you just had a little help a lot

you know what

you’re right i

flipped out

i shouldn’t have yelled at that guy you’re

right blah blah

whatever and it shows

it shows like a willingness to grow

and honesty and

things that people

appreciate i

appreciate that in friendships too

when a friend will come out to

me dude i shouldn’t have said that to you i’m sorry i

appreciate that i’m just talking

about strangers you don’t give a shit and you get right

fuck you fuck you back

if they actually

if they actually

like i had a victory and then turned it into a loss

about fucking

about a month ago

i was sitting in my car i’m

doing this phoner

this meeting

right and i’m outside the bank right

and this girl pulls up

gets out of a car opens her car door

right into my door

boom hits it

and like but didn’t even react

may not like really hard

hard enough

but it was the fact that she didn’t fucking react

that i actually question i’m like did she just

maybe i don’t know is it

maybe i i thought she did it whatever

right so i’m

still on the phone

doing this conference call right

she fucking comes back out she does it again

so i’m on comp

i got these people on

speaker fuck that

noise so i said hang on a second

i opened the door i said hey

i go you just opened your car door into my car

on the way into the bank

and on the way out of the bank

and she goes oh i didn’t chip the paint

i go chip to

paint you didn’t even look

why don’t you

be a little more considerate next time and i

slammed the door so i won

game set fucking match

and then like an

idiot i still had to look over at her

and she just goes smile

have a nice day like i’m an asshole for getting upset

and then she gave me the finger and

drove away so

she kinda she

kinda she kinda

she kind of

stole the round on me it’s like i won and i got one

sugary lemon

and then yeah yeah

like when you

she fought haggle

haggard won that fucking

fight by the way she did win that fight she

went with the little fucking american flag shows brrr

to the side of my head and i was like fuck

why did i look at her i

should just

be like be a little more considerate

i had the slam of the door at

everything you know the conspiracy on that fight

is that haggard threw it

and then hagler

could have knocked out

leonard but he was hitting them with pity pat punches

which if you

watch it it really

doesn’t look like the same kind of punches he

threw on mugabe and herns

it looks like he was like

almost three quarter

speeding his

punches really

cause that guy

generally looked devastated

when he lost

when he said

this is why i

should have

never fought in vegas

maybe i mean

but he retired

it was a close enough

fight that he

could have lost a decision he retired

if he doesn’t see it that way it’s his ego

cause it was pretty

close you can

see decisions are squirrelly anything can happen

judges don’t have monitors no he didn’t no one got

knocked down that

fight i thought he

knocked them down i don’t believe so

i don’t think so i don’t

think hagriber

knocked down leonard

hold on he didn’t

knock him down maybe i’m thinking one of his older

fights that was the worst watching

leonard out when haggard

knocked guys down they really usually didn’t get up

dude how great was the middleweight division

but what i was saying is it was

amazing but what i was saying is that

he sent her no

no i don’t think he knocked him down

what was saying is though that he retired and he

moved to italy

and he became a fucking movie star

and it’s like look if the imam

really wanted to bet a shitload of money

on the underdog

which is sugar ray leonard

fighting this destroyer whose marvin haggard just

fucking crush

tommy herns was knocking everybody senseless

and sugary leonard hadn’t fought in years

you know he’s older he

looked like

people didn’t ever

think anybody ever came back and was successful

because most of the time they weren’t i thought

he did it he looked like he did a

cycle before that

fight he was funny leonard did yeah he was huge

didn’t tommy hearns accuse him of that

tommy hearns accused him of that before

their second fight

oh leonard yeah dude no

when he won that

fight and he did the classic

flex dude he was like you know that guy you know

i don’t know you know who they’re

going after is

lance armstrong

ooh they’re

going after him man

him and barry

bond they’ve been going

after him forever

yeah but they got a lot

in they got a lot in

the bankers fuck no

no they gotta stop we

gotta stop martha

stewart we gotta

stop we gotta stop

roger clements this is just it’s just fodder

it’s true it’s true you’re totally

right it’s good

point yeah it’s

kinda crazy

you know it’s

not that it’s not that it’s baseball it’s what

baseball represents well it’s like what the fucking

bankers that’s

doesn’t represent

that is our

money people losing

their houses a lot

worse than someone

losing a fucking baseball game no just bothers

me every week that i work

and then i go it’s just everybody works

and you go and you just give

these cunts your money

you hand it over like a fucking child

like a child

well here’s even

worse what the fuck does

money even mean anymore

it’s not even backed up by anything that’s

just based on

confidence a

piece of paper

that used to be

what you could

claim gold that you

could no longer

claim the gold for the most maddening

thing to me is

these people that used to work for the sec

used to be investigating

these big companies and then when they retire

they get huge jobs inside

these companies

like how the fuck is that legal

how is that allowed how do you let people profit

off of the fact that they

build some sort of a relationship with

these big fucking financial institutions that are

raping the public and taking all this buy out

money and paying off

their fucking executives

giant bonuses

while they lost billions

they’re paying

these guys 40 million 30 million like what is

going on how is this

it’s like oh and robbery in

front of everyone’s eyes they feel like they’re

entitled but it isn’t because nobody like they just

damn britney

spears shaved her head yeah we’re bombing libya

folks we’re bombing libya

do not pay attention to the hundred mile long

streak of oil that

just newly discovered in the gulf

you hear that there’s a new fucking oil

spill in the

gulf a new one a

giant one hundred

miles long 20

miles from the

other one holes in

the fucking

floor i got hardcore

into conspiracy theory and that type of shit for

about a year and a half

and then i just said fuck it i got a

great girl i’m getting a dog

i don’t give a shit

i guess i got sick of people

i got a dog for you if you want a dog

now i can these

dogs are whore don’t take his dog mine

now my dog is a

serious slut

my dog i actually i finally we

worked with the

train and we got it now it’s all cool and it came

how long did it take for the six

months six months six

months and did they

train at your

house what’s

wrong was i was a psycho

and like no seriously like dogs dogs

they feed off of your fucking energy so you know i’d

watch games i’d slam the

table you know and i just in general

that fucking

the same energy that i had when i was a kid man we had

these little west highland terriers

we turned them into maniacs this one

thing bit me in my face i had to get fucking what

do you do you beat the kids what do you do

uh we would fuck with it

we didn’t know any better beat the dogs

no we didn’t beat him we just we used

to play the

glove game the

glove game with

like a like a

like a baseball fucking

i just wrestle

with i’ll get to it you see

jesus christ

it’s like we’re on fucking

the ten thousand dollar pyramid

jesus fucking christ

a gardner’s

glove and we

would just fucking mush him in the face and then he

started biting too hard and be like fuck then

moved on to the

we didn’t realize we turned it into a fucking

maniac we basic

any psychologists

who wanted to see how fucked up my family was all they

would have to do is walk in

look at the dog

and be like wow

it’s cause a

trickle down effect

it’s like what was happening to us as kids

we did to each other and

then everybody did it to the fucking dog so when

i bought this

house this house was

i gotta be careful how i say this

cause they were nice people

but the woman

was very hot

and a little bit older but

still hot like in a milf way

but super controlling and the man was

this sort of a meek guy who happened to be rich

and the woman had

these fucking dogs

and this woman was a mean lady she was and

she would yell at her husband in

front of us

and she had

these dogs that

which fucking snap at everybody

they would bite people they bit like

three different people and then growl at people

and i grew up

with dogs i grew up with pit bulls pit bulls my my

whole life i had

crazy dogs so i saw

these dogs and

they came running up to me like when i was in the house

and the dogs got

right up to him

and what’s going on guys

someone gave my hand

and then she goes

this is incredible they don’t let anyone

touch them they

would tear your

throat out by this time

great owner

great owner what

the fuck is

wrong with you you got these

crazy animals living you that want to tear people’s

throats out when you invite them in your house

you come into my

house let some come up to you yeah you

come to my house

and i go hey there’s

say hi johnny johnny will come

over wagging his tail you pet him he’ll kiss your face

this he recognizes you as a friend you’re in this

group of nice people

the fuck is

that’s an indicative of a creepy person

right right a

scary dog i was just

fucking wound up

so the dog they feed off the fucking energy so the dog

started getting

wound up and then it

started growling at people on the street

and then i got nervous

so then the dog would

sense my nervousness

would growl a little bit fucking more

and it just

built and then i

would be terrified walking down the

street with the

thing and the dog

and then the meanwhile

is the dog can come up on the

couch whenever it wants it’s just

sort of running shit and i didn’t know any of that shit

but so we undid all of that

now the dog is totally fucking cool people

come over it’s wagging its tail and all had to do

with the way you were playing with my energy the

i mean no i didn’t do any of that

rough housing with the dog

but the joke i’ve been doing in my act is even if you

roughhouse with the dog

you gotta bring

their energy back down to being chill

you can’t have them at this heightened

fucking thing

right and then walk outside

cause they’re fucking

especially like

pit bulls the

thing if you own one

you have to

address the fact that you fucking own a dangerous

breed because

people just

sit no she’s the most lovable blah blah blah blah blah

it’s like yeah and also has

ability to rip somebody’s face off so i was having like

panic attacks

if this thing ever bit somebody and called like

nerve damage or

fucked up their face

i mean beyond beyond

beyond getting sued

it’s the level of

guilt i woulda had so

you know i knew

you know a couple people had

pit bulls and i took him to this guy and he just did a

great job but it was

literally it was six fucking

months of in your

house or did they

no no he took the dog

first he took the dog for six

months and you get it back a half a year later

that’s awesome

shocking that’s awesome no

he had it for like a

month no he had it for a

month tie an

electrode the same shit they did to dana

diorama putting

electrodes in

his asshole

no no he had it for a fucking month a

whole month yes

great he has it for a

month well cause you gotta

chill the fuck out

cause i got this cost

yeah it wasn’t

cheap okay anyway but it was way cheaper

than getting the living shit suit out of me and being

guilt and filling the guilt

so we went through all of that bullshit

and now the dog is just like

it’s cool as hell so he just

trains it all day every day

no it’s like

well the funny

thing is it’s like the dog

the second he’s around him

and we’re removed from the equation

it goes back

and he’s chill and he’s in control it instantly

was fine the dog was instantly

that the problem was us

we didn’t know

and now we were all fucking scared anytime you

would come over all

right dude just blah blah

and everything i was doing was fucking wrong and

it just kept

building the

experience which

would add to my paranoia

so it just became a really bad situation but the

second he went over with him

you know it was fine he was walking it with dogs

everything was cool

he had to learn like

cause he was walking into a totally new environment

new set of rules

we were gone

it didn’t feel like

it had to protect anybody so the dog was instantly fine

what he had to do

was undo us it had nothing to do with the dog it was us

for and the reason why i took six

months was because i’m on the road

every other fucking week

was like the

whole family grew from that

experience i

think so i think i

grew from hearing it

it was awesome

it’s very romantic

it’s good that there’s someone out there that

can do that man because there’s a lot of people that

would i wish it was cheaper

because there’s

a lot of people with fucking dangerous dogs

there’s a guy that lives down the

street from me as pit bulls are always out

and he’s like

yeah they’re

nice they’re friendly like get the fuck out of here man

i’ve had pit bulls i’ve had a

bunch of them they don’t like

other dogs if somebody else’s dogs lose too

likely you’re

gonna have a dead dog in the

street it depends

on it really depends on

like if we wanted to get another dog we

would have to

ours is a female we’d have to get a male

and you have to get a

puppy so they

would have a mother yep

relationship yeah absolutely

right you do it that way you don’t you don’t

bring in another female

yeah like my dog just its personality

it’s not the kind of dog that you want to walk with

other dogs very

possessive very

jealous so it’s something you have to keep in

but they’re just like people they have different


where i’m fucking a

wound up psycho

there’s another guy who’s just totally fucking

chill and wouldn’t have had a problem

with the dog

right the dog

would have become a

chill dog yeah

yeah dude they do that show you

watching a game and some

man what dude what the fuck

and then like

their ears come up like yeah dude what the fuck

you know they stop

getting into that mode

and then if you have a dog that’s you know bred to

fight in a pit

yeah it’s ready to go yeah

it’s amazing that you

could just buy that and then people i mean they’re

great dogs they’re

super friendly and

super sweet

now it’s ridiculous that you can go down to a shelter

and they just it’s like just giving somebody

a gun you don’t even know what end of the bullet

comes more than a gun it’s like giving him a monster

yeah so giving him a wild

monster that’s

gonna be your

buddy you know

they don’t even

speak english

you can’t even tell them listen you can’t eat kids

getting fucking dog shit you

understand listen

i have a backcount

this is how you dog

how about this

you shouldn’t fucking kill people

be a nice doggy you know

that’s the end

the end of the fucking show

dude i can’t believe

this be careful

pit bulls two

hours two and a half

hours we went on for a long time

but you know what it’s always

it’s always fun to

have you on bro you’re you’re hilarious you know what

i didn’t even hype

is means the

buddies of mine made a

short film when we just got into the tribeca

film festival

really was it called

cheat cheat

yeah what’s it about

me joe de rosa and robert

kelly joe oh

bobby kelly

asked me to

write an article

yeah or rather

a chapter because

i guess you guys are gonna do a book on it no that’s

something to go along

with it yeah the book came out of that yeah yeah

it’s been this great thing so you know we

wrote it and shot it ourselves

about a year ago and finally you know

started submitting it to a festival so we’re in that

thing so we’re really excited

about it nice so when can people see it

well they can see it at the festival

if you live anywhere around there

but then after where’s that

where’s it where’s

the film festival is in

tribeca new york and manhattan

and there’ll be a i think it’s april

20th through like may 3rd

and then afterwards will be available for dvd

or what you gonna try to get it

we haven’t got to that

point yet yeah i don’t know how that works this is the

first thing we’ve ever done so how many minutes is it

like 15 15 film so do you think you would put it online

and have it available online or how

would what would you do afterwards i have no idea

so it’s cool

what would started this just guys start talking and

yeah i don’t want to give away like

okay i don’t want to give away the

movie but basically it was one of

those deals where it was like three comedians

sitting around there was a fucking problem

and we just

started brainstorming

on it and somebody was like dude this is a movie

and then we

i don’t know we just fucking sat down and

wrote it and then

it was awesome yeah it was really cool

now it was one

of the best times i ever had because we just put the

money up ourselves and shot it ourselves and afterwards

we were trying to figure out why we had such a

great fucking time

it’s like oh yeah there was no industry going

why doesn’t he wear like a red

shirt in this

and he can be like a

plumber well

you were there for the chappelle show

did you get to

experience any of them you were

a regular on that show right i no

i wasn’t on the second

season i was

becoming a regular i only did five sketches but i just

ended up being in five of the huge ones

the racial draft the

world series of dice

even like the

sam jackson one is something that everybody loves

and all i did was i just sat there and got yelled at

i just took cotton and

stuck it in my ear and just let him yell

and he was absolutely hilarious

but as far as

why the show

stopped and all that i mean i’m as much in the dark

as you got i do know that he was

going out and trying to do his shows

and everybody was you know he couldn’t get a word out

rick james bitch yeah you know

right what that’s my

couch motherfucker

yeah all of that shit right so

you know i have no idea

but what i think is cool

about it is that you just have two killer fucking

seasons you know airtight to get back to that

expression rather than

you know there’s certain shows

that they probably

should have quit five

seasons in and they just kept making them

i think if you gave dave a

ton of weed

and let him do whatever the fuck he wanted to do he

would keep cranking them out

i think oh yeah he’s perfect for that shit

that blind racist

that was accidentally

blind ku klux klan

guy that was accidentally

black that was

that was at

first what was it

which one was that called what was

the name of this

catch clayton

bigsby yeah god

damn that was brilliant

yeah fucking

brilliant yeah they just need to

leave that guy alone

when i did the fear factor

sketch with him

he was telling me that they were

they were trying to tell him like how many times he

could say nigger and he couldn’t say nigger and yeah

you got to stop saying this stop saying that and you

well what happens is i

think when something becomes a

success then everybody wants to try to get their

stink on it so they can be like i was the guy who said

to put the desk over there and but rather than just

going like hey

you’re killing

it just keep whatever the fuck you’re doing

because i know like they thought that

somebody on

the show read me that the industry notes for that

i’m rick james

bitch sketch and they

the overall

thing was basically this is just a

series of things

that aren’t really

funny like they didn’t get what was

going on like i remember when they were doing that neil

i lived like

i don’t know like i

could walk up to where they

were editing the thing

and when they did the rick

james thing like neil called me up he’s like dude you

gotta come up here and

check this thing out i don’t

think we can top this shit i remember

walking in there

dying laughing for like the

first four minutes and i was just in awe

i was like dude this is the

greatest that’s the

greatest fucking

sketch of all

time ever ever

ever that show’s the

greatest sketch show of all time

nothing even comes close

nothing comes close

i center on

live can’t fuck with that

none of those shows can fuck with that yeah they

never had that

laugh for a

second quality as

far as like social commentary

and then just like

ridiculous like

silliness of

the show it’s

gonna make me

depressed because it kills me that the fucking

thing what kills me too is that he’s like he’s doing

stand up and he like you know he’ll like announce on

thursday he’s

gonna show it cobs on friday

and i’ll do two shows and play bongos for five hours

you know it’s

like i wish the guy was likes putting out specials

you know i wish he was putting out dvds and shit

you know i mean

him twice in the last month

yeah what did you

think he’s been out and on the comedy story

well i saw him at the parlor

and i saw him at the comedy

store what’d you think

it’s interesting

the direction he’s

going is kind of

going into more of a

where it seems really organic

talking to the audience and

stuff like that but with bits kind of mixed in

so you don’t

even realize you’re getting doing like he’s doing

stand up on you

it’s weird it’s really weird

and then he had like some guys come up and play

music and he was like

like kind of doing like singing and rapping at

points and stuff like that

but again it felt like it wasn’t

planned it felt like

you were getting a show that no one else got to see

but then i talked to a couple of the

other mike comics

and they’re like oh no no this is

if you see a couple of

these you’ll

see that this is exactly what his act is now wow

and it was kind of interesting

i liked it i thought it was cool i tell you i was

entertained he pissed off a lot of people at cobbs

cause he was doing like

these five hour sets and

the wait staffs

going fucking nuts

would you do sets or like

do two shows do like

three hours at a

stage what are you

three and a half

hours in what’s up

with lamps i mean

how many fucking i don’t know

it’s him and remember when dane cook

tried to top that and

he fucking stayed on

stage for like eight

hours or something

crazy was it seven

is that what it is

by the way the

guinness book of

world records is

ridiculous because there’s

always some retard out there with nothing to lose

especially when it comes to

stand up comedy

who the fuck can

define what

stand up comedy

you can get some

complete sociopath to

stand on stage for

three days in

a row and just shit himself and piss all over the

fucking stage

yeah it’s like and

then he wins

flag pulls yeah that’s bullshit

you just gotta stay up there

you know what this

should be there

should be some like

laugh meter

and once you just start

running out of jokes and just the

lights come

out yeah the

lights come out you have a

certain amount of minutes

where you can play with the

crowd certain

amount of times you can say so what else is

going on before

you just get

like a red flag and it’s just like dude this isn’t

stand up zero airplanes are sitting up

there yeah it’s like it would be

funny if the less you laughed

the less the audience

laughed the brighter the

lights in the room got

you know and to let you know when all the

lights are on the show’s not dark anymore

it’s like it’s like a

video game yeah yeah yeah it’s like that guitar hero it

starts going

your spotlight dims

your spotlight dims and the audience gets brighter

so if people want to listen to bill bill also has a

great podcast called the

monday morning

podcast that’s available on itunes and it’s not on

stitcher anymore

right you pull it off

stitcher yeah i took it off yeah

so it’s not a lot of controversy

with this stitcher app

yeah they just saw that

apparently people are getting i love

stitcher and i back it up 100

i think it’s fucking awesome

being able to go in your car and just

have be able to choose

podcasts and listen to them automatically you know

streaming kind of what was

the problem i had they just took mine

never told me

and then we’re selling

advertising and they will making fucking money whoa

which is yeah that’s not fucking cool so that’s illegal

yeah we told

them to stop

then they they sent me an offer

which is hilarious it’s like someone

stole your your fucking car

and then you show up

gonna give my car back like hey

look i put some rims on it you know you want a

piece of that

yeah well apparently there’s

a big move to get off of it marin was talking to me

about it yesterday and greg fitzsimmons called me

about it and greg

fitzsimmons had the same situation that you had when

they just put

his shit on

yeah so he said there was a lot of people that

are you gonna

cut me in on the average what

about all you

money you’ve already made off of the fucking

thing you didn’t get you

yeah exactly it’s like that internet

thing we’re

just like hey you know everybody can take everybody’s

shit i don’t

think there’s a problem with that

brian do you not

have any free content and they’re selling advertisement

on it no i have no problem with it how come

because they’re offering

the service

they’re offering

if my listeners want to

drive around and be able to

stream my show

i’m not offering that on my website

so let them do it and

i offer it on my website how do you

drive around so you have to

stream it through it online

you can stream

it you can stream it off of your mobile

phone no you go to

itunes and look it

this is the

thing that’s what i’m saying though you can’t do that

if you’re driving in your car

right now and you’re

like i want to listen to joe rogan’s podcast from four

weeks ago you’re

streaming something that i created you

gotta kick me

money for that you

can’t just take joe

rogan they’re not just

streaming that’d be like if i

started a radio station

and i started playing

the music and

let me finish and i didn’t pay anybody

i didn’t play any of the musicians

but they’re not putting advertising in the show

yeah they are

no i listen to

streamer over there

they’re adding you miss

why are they coming to the website they’re not

they’re not

putting advertising in the show they’re not adding no

they’re not adding ads in the

show why are guys saying that they are

because i think on

stitcher’s website

where like on the apps they have advertisements

and they’re getting all

these hints who

cares about that because they’re making

money off of our stuff dude

people aren’t

going to the website to just

just sit there and listen to to

streaming they’re

going they’re listening to content it’s like dude

it’s like a

fucking network yeah but okay let me finish you have a

production house

and they make shows and the people

it’s not like

oh i have a tv show so i’m just

gonna show you tv show i’m not gonna

pay any of the creators of the show

i don’t have a problem with them

all right with

what they’re doing but

you don’t just take it and not pay somebody

it’s true yeah

if you’re gonna make

money off of it you have to kick somebody’s

money yeah they have to

i mean even

youtube whenever you have a

video that gets a lot of hits they offer you

hey you can sell ads on this and we’ll give you

money i get

offers on my

videos all the time

right i’m not saying

their business

model is not a bad thing

it’s the way they went about it

it’s like if they said hey listen

i wanna put if they

approached me

first and said listen

we got this great

model it’s gonna

allow people to listen to it

streaming the

thing or whatever

and you know we’re

gonna we’re

gonna advertise

i’m gonna kick you some money

fine but don’t just

start doing it and making

money then out of nowhere i find out

about it like six

months later

a year later

after you made all that money

and then i’m like what the

fuck i go to take it off and now that i’m taking it off

now you’re gonna offer me money

all right yeah that’s fucked up

yeah yeah that’s not how you do business yeah yeah

you could also

think of it this way though too stream

stitcher has

their own community

stitchers like a facebook or a twitter

and so when you

have a show on there they’re also introducing you to

their whole yeah but you got a community

you have to ask yeah i know but what you’re doing

what you’re doing

is you’re making it seem like

stitcher is this entity

that is amazing that people are just

gonna sit there

and stare at

stitcher well it’s they’re

going there for the content

i know i’m not saying that they don’t provide a service

i’m not saying any of that

but for them to take my shit

and just put it up there and make

money off of it i’m

not saying that they have to give me 100 of the money

i’m saying you just

you can’t just

you can’t just take his

stuff and copy it and then

start selling ads on it on your thing

right you can’t do that

i agree but you

can sue i know

that i know

i listen they also

as an example

stitcher has now put in all the

brand new fords and also a couple

other car dealer

companies have now

added stitcher as

inside their

cars now why

because now

they’re moving away from serious

radio and xm

radio into internet

connected it’s

because of the content and the amount of hits

that they’re getting and that has nothing to do with

stitcher that has to do with

joe rogan’s fucking hilarious

greg fitzsimmons fucking hilarious

mark marin is doing

these great parts that’s why people are

going there

i guess to me

if i could have my shit fucking in

every single ford car that

people can listen to and it’s a part of the car now

i’m like you

know what what you’re doing

is you’re pitching what people on that side do

which is the pimp game

where they talk

about the exposure

and all this

great exposure and then the only way for us to make

money off the exposure is

people go to your shows

and people buy

your cds yeah

let me finish i

still have to get on a fucking

plane and fly to

kansas city

while those

motherfuckers get to

sleep in their own bed

they don’t have to leave

you know what i mean no huh

what i’m saying is we’re both

what you’re acting like you’re acting like you eat

toast no what you’re saying is

is your that bullshit where

artists get paid in exposure

is the big pimp game in fucking hollywood you’re

right it’s this carrot that they have you

changed we’re gonna stick you on this

we’re not gonna give you any fucking money

but everybody’s gonna hear this and then you’re

gonna go to kansas city and

jesus christ the whole you’re gonna play with a fucking

royals play

and meanwhile

they’re making all this fucking money

well that’s the kind and

you gotta be like fucking uh

what it would

you gotta fucking pack up and go fly out to go get your

money this sitting at home

raking and all this shit and this is the thing

you’re providing the fucking content

all right they’re providing the service so they

should get paid for the service you

should get paid for your content that’s all i’m saying

this should be a business

marriage if you just don’t take the fucking content

if your content was

free already though

your contents free on itunes yeah but you can’t

put it on your own application that’s

not which is my

choice you put it on itunes

yeah and i have and i have the choice i have the choice

to decide my podcast

is fucking free

i could sit there and i

could decide

if if i want to charge

money for but dude it’s mine

right it’s mine and it’s my decision

it’s not yours to just fucking take

and then because

you know i’ve been busting my ass and working on this

thing for fucking

three years

and everybody wants to go see it and now

you just take it make a

ton of fucking

money off of me you don’t even tell me you

don’t call me

up i don’t think that they’re making a shitload of

money at all i don’t the stitches

it’s not really making a shitload of

money doesn’t

matter if they’re making two dollars you have to

give me one

but you can’t

just make money off people’s stuff

you’re pretending

that they’re not selling content they have a

device i listen to my

shit on stitcher

every day i’ve

never heard an ad once

okay so it’s not seeing the ads is the ads

there’s no ads

playing during my podcast there’s no ads before or

after my podcast

so to me i have

no problem with

stitcher and

they’re not making any

money off me directly

okay that’s you but

i don’t know

how you’re saying they’re making

money or anything i open

stitch up right now

i open up stitch

right now i find my

podcast you

think that they do

those those

apple ads for

free you’re confused like

you listen to a radio

station for brian

they have abs

right you listen to a

radio station i don’t remember

every hearing or

listen to me listen to me

all right okay when you listen to a

radio station they don’t play an ad during a song

but you listen to the

radio station because they’re playing the kind of

music you wanna listen to

that’s why are you listening to doody

yeah i’m listening

so that’s why

if you play a band’s song on the fucking radio

the band gets paid

okay you get paid

okay do you

understand that

but i’m not saying that there’s no ads on this

so i’m going to comedy right now i’m typing in comedy

now i’m going to comedians

here’s comedians right up here now there’s a

little banner that pops up at the very bottom

but i have a little

banner that banner makes money

deathsquatum at the very top little banner

makes money i know but facebook makes

money off you but you’re on facebook are you

gonna sue facebook and pull off your stuff on facebook

makes shit look

wait a minute

he had a blog

and they copied his blog entries and put it on facebook

and then started selling advertising yeah i chose

well you chose to be on stitcher right no i didn’t

yeah they asked you no they didn’t

that’s the whole point of what he’s saying brian is

that i chose to be on facebook and i choose what i put

to go to put up i did not choose to be on stitcher

stitcher took my shit and put

see no advertising before it this is me talking

okay brian he’s talking yeah dude

you know it’s like

i’m trying to make i’m trying to explain it we had it

right there and you’re so convinced of your argument

i mean if you’re totally convinced

of argument i’ll just stop right

now no no but i don’t

think you understand a lot of like the internet like i

understand that you don’t want your mp3

on here so you

can tell them yes i don’t want you on here

that stitcher

is not like selling advertisements during your show

they’re pretty much

doing what it’s available you’re

giving it free

i already answered

i answered this like

three minutes ago you’re just not listening to me

you’re not listening to me i realize

that they’re

not playing it during it i said when you listen to a

radio station

right they play ac dc back in black

they don’t play a woo

like commercial in the middle of it

but in between the songs they advertise

and the amount

of listeners that a

radio station gets

is not because of the commercials

it’s because of the music

that is there

the artists that put that out there that’s why

that the bands get played

they get a portion

of the advertising that’s how business is done

i don’t have a problem with that

i would love to be on

stitcher if they did it the

right way if they approached me and said listen

this is what we’re doing

we’re gonna sell advertising

we’re making this amount of

money we’re

gonna kick you that i

would have done it in a

second but the

thing is they just took my podcast

and all my listeners

who go on there

cause they like what i do

and then they made

money off of that because in between

on the side of

their website

and that shit that you saw at the bottom

they’re making

money off of that

and they didn’t kick me any

money until

you got caught

and it does keep people from getting it off itunes

that’s the only negative

part about it

in my opinion

is it takes it hurts your itunes numbers

but like as any single website that you used

people if you

give something out for free on the internet

you can consider

stitcher to be just

an mp3 player right

and any application on here

and what they have

is they’re making

money off of it look i put it

out there and everybody downloads it and it’s for free

right but the

second you take it

and you start making

money off of it

it’s the same way like if

you you i i see

both of your

points i see both your

points i do see

brian’s point

that he did pull

up the application and the only

will add was his little tiny ass banner that no one

really make it

money off that yeah you

could say that that

might be just enough to keep your site

going i mean

how much money

you think that little banner

how much is the app let

me ask you this dude

how do you how do

you run a business

yeah it’s a free app free

app how do you run a business

that makes no money

because they are selling

their programs to

companies like ford

so now you buy a ford

and they have a

stitcher app

in there so it’s like a serious

rate no and why

is ford getting

in business with them because the the future of

radio is podcasting it’s not

satellite radio

it’s not but the

thing is the

thing yeah but i’m doing a podcast how come ford

doesn’t come to me

he came to these guys because they

stuck them all together

and it’s because of all the hits that

joe gets all the fans that i have all the fans that all

these people have these guys

stuck it all into one but they

should have come to us and said this is what we

wanna do and get in

business with us you just don’t hijack everybody shit

and then stick it on there

start selling advertising

banners on the

bottom and then getting contracts with ford because

they’re looking at

their website they’re seeing all the hits that

they’re getting

rss feed what

you have when you have a podcast you have an rss feed

what that rss feed means is that

every single that you’re letting

everyone you want to play your

mp3 players

so there’s websites that will grab your rss feed

and just and put it on

their website

that’s what rss

feed needs you’re

sharing it you’re

giving after i forget

for free right

right but this is the download

still count but

once download from an rss feed

counts the big argument is that twitter

you can’t turn around and then take the free

thing and then

start making

money off it

it’s common it’s business

it’s business 101

you have to pay the person

if i’m giving away for free

you can just take it you

can’t just go out

well maybe they

tried to do it this way and

stitcher also

has a way to pay

their artists now they have the pay

thing now they’ve

started a couple of

months ago but bill was

right when i was saying

they should

come to me and

say listen we like

your podcast we’ve seen you getting this amount of hits

we want to put it on here we have some advertising

and we’ll kick you some of it dude i

would be on

stitch you haven’t done that to you

never you sure

oh yeah he’s positive bro

they’ve come to me to do it he

they’ve come to me to do it two

months ago they came to me too i allowed them to

put my stuff on they

never came to me but they

never came to him they never came

to me they just took my shit see that’s the

thing if they came to me

i wouldn’t i

wouldn’t have had a problem

our podcast is sponsored they came

to me when my lawyers

sent him a cease and desist and then they go oh you

want what if we gave you a percentage of this

money that we’ve been making

mmm now if it had nothing to do with my podcast they

wouldn’t have offered me that

i think a precedent

has to be established once and it becomes really

profitable and

right now it’s not and i totally

agree with you that you can’t take your

stuff and just

put it up there

without asking and then put advertisement

on the application

even if it’s indirectly

know if there’s a certain amount of ads

that you know

you just get

every time you go to

stitcher but one podcast gets

a you know a really high number of downloads like your

monday morning podcast does

well that’s your you’re selling that you’re selling the

monday morning podcast

that’s what you’re selling when you’re advertising

you know i totally get that but

the way i look at podcasting in the

first place is

i want i agree that it’s good to have you know

sponsors that pay for

things and you can

you know you could

you know make

money off the show and it’s good it’s good to

get paid for

someone downloading it and listening to it but

for me what’s important is that people get it

that’s what’s important for me it’s important that

the reason why it’s free

on my website as well as free on

ustream as well as free on itunes as well as on

stitchers i just

want yeah ustream’s making shit off of you right now

i don’t have a problem with that

i mean they have to pay for bandwidth

they do u stream

they take care of us and

to be honest

i don’t know

i like youtube

you do youtube i

found out that people no you

stream as a video

we’re doing this

right now this is oh yeah

no i don’t do

video i don’t do

video do you have a youtube account

but this thing

i’m actually trying

to get advertising

on my website i mean on my podcast

i don’t have a problem with that but this is like

this is the game of this business

where it’s like

the artist does the work

and then the business

guys come in and they give you the fucking heisman

right i mean

i mean it’s

right through the

whole business those guys

those guys who made fucking lord of the rings

never got paid

they made six billion dollars they had to sue to get

their fucking money

what do you mean

look it up they got the

whole fucking

thing though

that was a huge

lawsuit is that one of

those things

where they have hollywood type accounting

where they show losses hollywood

yeah we had four billion dollars in

white out in

9 billion in

paper clips so we’re

still not in profit

and fucking

you know the director

doesn’t get paid

and yeah it was a huge fucking lawsuit and they just

and then whatever the conglomerate was

they decided that it was

cheaper to just get sued they paid themselves

out then they imploded the

thing just left

and these guys

and it was totally and it’s totally fucking legal

wow it’s an interesting thing this

whole podcast

thing though isn’t it

how you know i mean

basically what we’re doing

right now is you know they’re

at any moment

when we put one of

these things out during the week a

quarter million people download this fucking thing

and that’s a big number of

human beings that you could just

reach on your own

don’t you find that

shows are more packed with

your real fans now than ever before do you find that

i find it’s a combination

of doing oprah and anthony

doing morning

radio my specials and my podcast people

definitely listen to the podcast and

you know it’s a great way

to get out and have people

come out to your shows but it’s it’s one of those

things where like

i don’t do that shit

where i’m getting paid in exposure

and you’re taking all the fucking money

right and then so for the rest of my life in

order for me

to get the fruits from my

labor i gotta go fly to fucking tennessee

right it’s like i’m i’m

i’m doing a i’m doing a fucking

radio show here right

radio guys don’t go on the fucking road

for some reason it just all goes back to

but then when you do your

monkey dance

you get paid and it’s like so no

value is being put on the fact when you go on radio

shows you’ll get

money i see

their error in judgment

i see their

error in judgment and i see that what they’re

doing is they take something that’s already free

and they make

a device that

allows you to get it to people that

wouldn’t ordinarily get it

but it does

when i get to his

point that when i do

radio i’m flying

i’m in there i fly in there i do

radio and i’m

hyping my shows that’s the

point of it

my podcast is not

hyping my shows

my podcast is my radio show

it’s my radio show

that’s what

this is a fucking

radio show dude

right just cause they

call it a podcast

it’s my radio show

i can’t just hijack the star show

and put it on my site

and just start selling advertising

and then when he tells me to cease and desist

go hey can i let you in on some of this money

and then i go well howard you’re

fucking huge man why don’t you go fly and stand on a

stage and tell jokes in

kansas city

you’ll get paid that way

i see what you’re saying

yeah i see what you’re saying like i

understand like

it’s it becomes an

issue if it

takes away like

i would love to be in business

those guys with

their exposure but you just have to do it the

right way dude you don’t just take it

and make money

and wait till i find out

about it and then offer me a cut i

think when you

when it comes to podcasts and certain

things on the internet

especially when it comes to rss feeds

that that’s just

common for the internet like there’s companies

what you’re saying

though is wrong

right because

it’s not rss feeds that you’re

dealing with you’re dealing with someone copying a

thing and then sending it out

through an application

which is completely different as rss feeds

you’re gonna get an account of

every download

he has presented the two

classic arguments

that they do when they fuck artists they talk

about exposure

what great exposure this is

and then secondly let me finish and then secondly

he did the whole

this is just the way it’s done like you know

when a manager

hands you that contract with this automatically renews

if i get you one

thing at the

chuckle hut

and you say dude this is bullshit

and it’s like no

everything’s negotiable you’re

right it’s negotiable

if you have an rss feed

as an example

if you have something on your

you have something on

most websites wordpress

even rss feed right

there’s programs like there’s one called flipboard

on the ipad

what it does is it collects

rss feeds and it repackages

it makes your website kind of look like a magazine

that they sell they

kind of mix advertising in there here and there

there’s programs that do that

same thing that

stitcher doing

except the only thing that

stitcher’s doing is different

is taking it off your server

putting it on

their server

so it doesn’t affect your bandwidth but that’s a big

issue and it’s not affecting the bandwidth

i’m not confused

with what they’re

doing i know

i’m not confused

with what they’re doing you’ve explained it like

three times dude i

understand what it is i know but they’re not directly

like i’m trying to say is they’re not

like these little

banner advertisements

like that’s not making millions of dollars it

doesn’t matter but

it’s affecting the downloads from itunes

which affect his numbers yeah but you can

get those but

you can get

those numbers

from stitcher

and if you don’t want to be on

stitcher you can tell them to take you off a

stitcher yeah but even if you get

those numbers why

and i told them and then

they fucking

obviously this is the

funny thing obviously they’re making some

money if they offered me to stay

okay and i also know you can’t pay your rent

unless you’re making money

i’m not saying that

those guys are millionaires over there

what i’m saying is

that that’s not the way you conduct business that’s

wrong that’s a you can’t do that man that’s

wrong you can’t just take

somebody’s creative shit

and just start making

money off of it and not and not paying them

i don’t understand it

that’s that

bizarre internet

thing where people feel

that cause they can they can see it

and they can put it on

their site that they own it and then have the right

to do whatever they want with it and make

money off it and not pay anybody

i’m not being a dickhead dude

i’m really not i’m just asking

to go about it

i would love to be on

stitcher in a

functional business

model i don’t want to be on it

where it’s just you just fucking

swipe it and make

money and wait for me to

find out about it

well one thing you

should definitely do is take off your

your podcast off of your rss feed so that that because

you’re not only a

stitcher doing this

about probably a hundred different companies are

using your rss feed in your

mp3 to make

money right now okay

there’s probably a hundred people

daily or hundred

companies that are

using a shit to make

money there’s so many

things like

stitcher there’s so many websites that will play your

mp i know but that

has nothing to

do what we’re talking

about dude we’re talking

about what’s

right and wrong you just

basically said well

you busted this drug dealer there’s another

hundred drug dealers out there doing it it’s like

i’m not saying

that there aren’t

other people doing it i’m saying why i’m not on

stitcher anymore

yeah but what i’m saying is that that’s

what the rss means on the internet if you’re putting

out an rss feed you’re pretty much saying all right

this is an unprotected

work that i am sending out for you guys to have yeah

brian and do

whatever you’ve already

addressed no

i’m not saying

that i’m not saying that you can then go make

money off of it i’m

saying this is free here you go

that’s what i’m

saying you take off your rss feed off your website no

brian because they’re profiting off

the i’m not missing

point that’s what an rss feed is that mean

that you’re

pretty much it’s like an antenna advertising

this is my infantry

you know what you’re doing

is you’re telling me

what i’m thinking what my intent

is no no i’m just saying what

an rss feed is

brian we know what an rss

feed is it’s just something that

allows people to download something it’s an automatic

download you’re saying

that because i

that i’m saying that

i’m on that

yeah but you can’t sell advertising

using someone’s content and sell

advertising i don’t know why that’s so hard for you to

understand they’re not directly

selling content advertising towards your content

that’s what i’m saying like

that the rss feeds

there’s websites that are playing his mp3

right now on

their thing

this is ridiculous

but you don’t even because

it’s like i don’t i know exactly

no you don’t you’re using

shitty logic your

logic sucks

they’re selling advertising and they’re

using other

people when

you listen to a

radio station

you don’t put on the

radio station

because of the fucking advertising it’s the band’s

that bring you there like

these guys play the

music i want that’s why the bands get played

people are going to

stitch her so

you have a problem with youtube too then do you have

videos on youtube dude this is one of

these guys like this is

one of these guys

where it’s just like

you can’t make a

point because he’s already rss features

you’re already

thinking of his next

point and he just wants to be

right no i’m just saying what that’s what rss needs

if you don’t want your shit

distributed and

made money off it

you don’t have an rss feed on your website rss feed

on your website is for

other websites to grab and use your content for free

no it’s not

get shit for free

no it’s to download shit for free

it’s something that

allows you to keep up with people

as they put out podcast you’re gonna go

on your ipod

stitch or does

stitch or grab your rss feed and prepackages no it

doesn’t sound it

copies your

mp3 you’re wrong

and it copies your

mp3 and then sends it out through its own application

and has advertising application you have

100 percent

wrong and there’s no way to convince him because he’s

totally convinced of his argument yeah

totally convinced of it

brian the point is

we’re not saying you’re a bad person the point

is you cannot

listen you use the youtube

argument and it’s a shitty argument and here’s why

if fucking youtube was

stealing bill burr

shit and putting it on youtube and then selling ads

that would work that

would be like hey what the fuck you can’t have bill

burr shit on

but youtube is fans

it’s some kid in nebraska that

thinks bill

burr is hilarious

and he watches his special in comedy central

and he takes his computer and he edits a 10

minute chunk

and he throws it up on youtube and then i

have no problem

with exactly i have no

problem i don’t even have a problem it’s

completely different

it’s bad enough when i have a dvd coming out the

second somebody sees it then they put it on there but i

understand now it’s like okay

the dvd thing

is over now

like i get that

thing but this is

where the problem comes is if you then take my content

okay and then

start advertising off of it

and you don’t fucking pay me that’s the

thing i understand that my shit’s

gonna end up

on the internet

and people are

gonna get it for free

and that’s just the way

things are now

i don’t have a problem with that the big fucking hurdle

is when you take it

and then you

start making

money on application then have ads

yeah you start making

money off your arguments

completely yeah

there’s a reason why

they came back to me

when i took it down and offered me a cut

yeah and there’s a reason why they

didn’t want me to take it down because i have listeners

who go there

and when they go there they see the ad

and they read it

and in the advertising

world that means

well we get enough guys looking at it they’re

gonna fucking buy something

but if they’re

going there because they like your podcast

or they like my podcast that’s

that’s why they have to kick you a little bit of

money yeah there’s a reason why all

these people

want to say any of that

shit i’m not

saying like

their website is fucking awesome

the way they do business is not

and the youtube argument the thing

about youtube that’s

crazy is that even though the kids

are putting bill burr’s podcast

or bill burr’s

stand up mp3s or clips from a

movie that’s funny

they’re getting sued by all

these people that own that

stuff which i

would and then it gets and i

would hold down that’s one of

those things

where if stitcher wasn’t making any

money and just want to fucking

throw it out there i

wouldn’t give a shit yeah

it’s the fact that you’re making

money off my podcast you

gotta give me some money

those kids who take

my specials

and put them all over

the fucking youtube i love it

that’s fucking

great i have no problem with that

if they were somehow figured out a way to make

money you have to fucking pay me

right right

a certain portion

and i respect the fact if you come up with the business

model that makes

because i don’t have the business model

but you still

you know the content

is the model

is you start

charging for your podcast

what’s that the

model is you

start charging for your podcast

what do you mean

that’s pretty much how you have to

if that is or if you

protect your life

and protect your inventory yeah

i want to have

ads that’s what i want to have i want to have ads

and i don’t want to have somebody

take my podcast and have advertising

around it and that type of shit and make money

not tell me they’re taking my podcast

earn money and not give me any of the money

that’s all i’m saying

i don’t have any problem

i would love to be in business with

those guys like if they just if they

fucking did it the

right way they didn’t so

i just had him take it down i mean it’s just normal

business yeah

i mean i think eventually that this look

everybody is

saying that eventually

i won’t be back up on

stitcher because they already offered me something

but what i’m saying the reason why

i took it down is because what they did was not right

that’s just not how you do business

it’s stealing i

agree i agree

our situation is totally different i

agreed to be on

stitcher cause my

my way of looking at it

is i just want more people to get the podcast and our

only advertisement that we have is by the

flashlight and

i have no idea

i mean having them on stitch

in my opinion that’s good for the

flashlights good for that company

no i met with

some people the

other day who want to read

they want to sell advertising

and on my podcast and they want to do a 50 50

split and i

might do that

sounds cool my feeling is that i’m

gonna have i’m gonna

bring in my own advertisers you know and i’ve got some

other people that i’m looking at

as far as advertisers it’s got to be something that i

think is valid some

and i’m just

gonna have them just advertise

the podcast and you can put it wherever

the fuck you want man put it anywhere i don’t care

what’s important to me is that it gets out

there which is exactly how

i feel i did

these shows in gotham

in new york this weekend

and i had fucking four hours

sleep in two

days i mean i was exhausted and i had to do two shows

but the fucking

crowds were so good it was so intense man and when i

asked them like how many guys listen to the podcast

it was like fucking 99

it was crazy like

it’s an audience of podcast fans now

it’s a totally different audience

it’s not just

stand up fans or not just fans

of mma ufc fans

it’s people that are fucking fans of the podcast

and so to me it’s

invaluable and the most important

thing is that

the most people possible can get it for free

but i completely see your argument

and i think you’re

absolutely right

to be upset that someone downloaded your

stuff and even if it’s just a little pop up banner

if you’re making

money off that it’s the same as the youtube argument

and that’s the thing

about it was

unless somebody told me

it was on there

i was never

gonna know because

they didn’t come to me right

yeah that’s not cool

it would be just as if youtube came and started

downloading your

stuff off tv

and putting it online well hey it was on tv it was free

but no it had ads

on tv and you know now you’re just putting in this link

the thing that the big hurdle

is when you

start making

money off of my shit

that’s the thing

but it’s like if people see me on tv they download

they put it up there i don’t give a fuck if you have

time players makes

money off your

shit windows

media player makes

money off your shit just by playing your

stuff you know

all this crap is just like just

how the internet works and you

keep saying

how the internet

works but this is

providing ads

if you open up windows

media player

there’s advertising all yeah but it’s windows

media player

it’s advertising and


stuff no no no

windows media player can only

download something that’s readily available for free

and you play

it from somewhere you have to download a file

then play it in windows media and

it’s providing a service yeah

i can already have people listen to my shit yeah

i don’t need

that on any

computer they can

listen to it

at billboards

brian let it go

i can’t explain rss

feeds brought you explained it a hundred thousand times

we know exactly what you’re saying dude and you don’t

understand that you

should get paid

for your work

you don’t get that for some reason

you feel like

like not when i

give it out for free now that you shouldn’t

brian they’re making

money off something that’s available for

free you can’t do that you can’t make

money off someone’s content

wait a minute

wait a minute

let’s go let’s go this route why are you talking

i’m trying not to you

like this

stuck up attitude man i understand i

watch nfl football on fucking nbc

i watch nfl football i’m not allowed to record that

and then go send

the fucking game out to other people and make

money off they

gave it out for free and then

they do give it out for

stitcher is a

player and you see

is a player nbc is free

brian and the

less rss feeds and

right stop repeating yourself

that’s why i’m trying to fucking stop talking about

what you say

has already been refuted by both of us we both know

exactly what an rss feed is

both known football is free on network

stitchers not selling

stitcher listen to bill

birds come here and listen to his podcast

the fuck they are they’re selling gaming on

free player

out that collects rss feed in

place right and they’re making

money no reason why

adam corolla greg fitzsimmons everybody wants to pull

their shit off of it

there’s no reason

everyone’s crazy

because everyone’s

crazy that they’re making

money it hurts

their itunes numbers

it hurts their itunes numbers

would cost them

money and everything

that’s a big

deal now you’re telling us what we’re

thinking i’ve been telling you for 45

minutes why i

take it off i know but it’s not like

stitcher is making

money off of your podcast and selling you into

their their servers they’re giving a free player out

it and that’s all what is the free player sell

brian huh what is the free player have on it yeah

it collects rss feeds off the internet stop stop

stop stop this rss talk

what is it have

like a podcast what

has podcasts

yeah it is podcasts are

as feed it has podcasts and it sells ads

it sells ads

it has has banner

popped up in the play ads

yes and sells it sells so

their services is and collect

see that they

want to listen to joe rogan

like stop repeating yourself

right stop asking me questions i can’t

talk anymore

about something

because you

guys don’t understand you are

yelling like a little child

you guys are

attacking me

no we just disagree

with you and we’re

using logic

and you’re getting

angry about it

i think the best

example is when

a baseball game

or a football game it’s on network tv that’s free

plug in a fucking tv

network tvs free

okay right you’re not allowed

to record it

and then start selling it

putting it on a player and selling it

you can’t that they have that

at the end of

every single

even if you include the advertisements you’re not

allowed to do that you can’t just have your own team

it’s a new format i

mean i can record the

thing and have some friends come over and

watch the fucking

thing that’s no big deal

but the second i start

charging people to come through the door

to watch this game and provided

you know all my friends didn’t have tvs

then it’s yeah then it’s like no you’re making

money off our show or taking that show

and like playing it at a bar

on a vhs tape and

costing people

and charging and

charging them yeah

you in trouble

i see your point

and i see where

brian’s coming from i know what you’re trying to say

brian i think you’re

just a little emotionally tied up in this argument

and not talk

anymore okay

well i’m trying to soothe

things over and not have you be a little

child here i’m not

now i’m considered a

child i’m a considered child now

you guys you guys

i can’t talk about it

i can’t talk

about it more

like i’m talking

my mom about

email right now

no it’s not it’s like we’re

talking to a child

i’m not being

condescending man like

you’re talking to your mom

email you clearly

are being condescending look you

could be mad

the fourth hour will be the best fucking hour

yeah we gotta go

four minutes

until it’s gonna

read this bitch

ride this bitch

right into the rocks

i know i didn’t

think i was

gonna problem with rush hour traffic

but we just

started stopping an hour ago

and somewhere

we’ve been talking

about stitcher

and internet

for this is

gonna be the

usual illusion one and two podcast listen

it’s all good

folks you know

i see brian’s

point i know

brian likes

stitcher and he loves the app

and i see what he’s saying

about if you put something out there people are

gonna take it but

i also absolutely see bill’s

point you can’t just download his

stuff and then use it it’s like

people who enjoy limewire

why wouldn’t you love limewire it’s

all free fucking shit exactly but

at the end of the day the service is corrupt

the beautiful

thing about the internet is that you can put

things out there and you can use

this format

to get more people to

watch your shows and get more people

but if you’re

gonna sell ads i

agree with you

you gotta get paid

i mean it’s no different than radio

it’s no different than

television it’s no

different than any

other service that you’re providing that people are

profiting off and that was my

thing as long

as they just came to me and just said listen we want

to put it on here we provide this service we’re gonna

self advertise

and we’ll give you a little

piece of it

yes because we know people aren’t coming here

to stare at our website

they’re actually coming here to listen to your show

that you produce and you create

i agree with

brian’s point

as an internet realist i totally

agree with brian’s

point that you put something on

an rss feed you’re just

allowing people to download it for free

and they can probably

pretty much do whatever the fuck they want with it

but they don’t know

short of trying to make

money out of it yeah i was

never i was never

no but we got

three minutes

but people sell heroin that

doesn’t mean it’s legal

three minutes

yeah we heard you bro

we’re gonna just have

three minutes of silence and see if you can cry

i know i cry it’s just it’s it’s it’s it

never i can’t even talk about yeah you can’t talk

because we don’t

agree with your point of view

there’s no i’m not upset you don’t

understand my point of view and then every time i try

to explain you said you’re repeating your

let me tell your point of view

right now you’re saying it’s my

fault for putting it out there

i put it out there and i put it on on this the rss feed

and that gives it out to anybody i’m not

saying it’s your

fault i’m saying if you

want to stop it then don’t have an rss feed out there

because that’s what it’s for hey if you don’t

want to get shot in the head don’t go out of the house

the end monday morning podcast is available on itunes

follow him bill burr

b i l l b u

r r on twitter follow redband

r e d b a n on twitter and the

death squad the death

squad podcast

is also available on itunes it’s with redband

and a bunch of different

comics sam tripoli

are shafira’s

got shows on it tom seguro’s got shows on it

it’s fantastic there’s

there’s fucking a new podcast almost

every day you’re doing like four or five a week yeah

and i have the censored you string video up

tonight sal’s

comedy hole

in la this wednesday year

round wednesday

wanna do a set

sure fuck yeah bill burrs in the house

sal’s comedy holds this shit it’s on melrose

it will sell out

quickly it’s only

about 80 seats

we do it almost

every wednesday

portland this weekend

oh no seattle this weekend

more theater almost sold out very few tickets left

don’t sleep

bitches awesome and we’ll see you tonight at

the smod castle

in hollywood

thank you everybody

thank you to the

flashlight for

sponsoring us show

go to joe rogan dot net

click the link

enter in the code name rogan get fifteen percent off

thank you to bill burr

thank you to

brian red band you know i love you crazy

bitch i love you

brian we love

you silly you

silly bitch you

silly bitch

i love all you fucks

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