the joe rogan of spirit
keep that keep my stupid
fucking stumbling over my own tongue
my own fat face
the joe rogan experience the joe rogan
experience podcast is brought to you by the flashlight
if you go to joe rogan dot net there’s a link
if you click on it
you enter in the code name rogan and you get
fifteen percent off your masturbation goodness
all right here we go with the show
buckle up bitches
the j rogan experience
ladies and gentlemen
the lovely and talented
mr bill burr has joined us yes
what’s going on how are you
billy burr how are you fella
i’m fantastic i’m
enjoying my coconut
water this shit isn’t it this is gonna be all product
placement yeah it should be
they sent me a couple of cases of this
stuff it’s fucking awesome
you know something if anybody else offered me a coconut
water i wouldn’t have done it
i mean like that sounds like some
gross vegan
bullshit but just because it was you
when you always read like that you know dude i was on
you know fucking
coconut science com read this
whole thing
about it so
well somebody
gave it to me
once after jiu jitsu
class is a dude i work out with brought like a
whole bunch of them to
class was it an
apology after he
slammed you or something
have some coconut
water sorry
about that kid
nice gesture
but it’s fucking delicious it’s
doesn’t feel
it doesn’t it’s not as boring as
water but it
doesn’t feel like you’re drinking
juice or something
where it’s like
heavy and syrupy
and you know what i mean that’s
absolutely delicious
and this stuff is healthy
yeah it’s really helpful seriously
if you drink a lot of
gatorade see i
drink a lot of
gatorade because i
drink a lot so i’ve kind of
switched my
gatorade out for coconut
water that’s all i
drink when i work out now
i only drink gatorade
if i get the stomach flu or like
food poisoning or whatever the hell i had
last week yeah they have
pedialyte that’s something
that’s actually even better for you because it’s
all balanced
out like when guys dehydrate when they cut weight they
drink pedialyte
yeah i don’t have any kids yeah
everybody who has a kids was just saying no no not
gatorade you want to get
pedialyte why is
that that the beginning of that word just scared
me he’s having a beard and not having any children
being a caucasian i can’t get any
that pedialyte
for the pediophile over here
right next to
make carrots
the names not
this little unfortunate right
pedialyte it
should be you know
some sort of
super electrolyte
drink you know pedio
obviously means kid like
pediatrician
well i think it’s designed
for children when they get sick if they’re dehydrated
because you want to make sure that they get enough
electrolytes
or fucks them up
there’s plenty of kids out there
there are but
when they’re
your own bill you’ll see
you’ll see when
they you’ll see it at half looks like you and
no matter how bad your day is when you look at those
people used
to say that shit to me needs to
drive me nuts
you’ll see when
you have your own kids be like we shut the fuck up
you’re all wrapped
up in your own bullshit you got this little fucking
human being
it was an accident you shot a load into a
woman the divided
come on man what the fuck you talking about half
looks like you and half yeah
like it’s a
trick man it’s a fucking
biological trick
but then you have one you go whoa
this is a different i
never considered
the amount of
responsibility and attachment and just the
biological attachment you have to him
oh no no i’m not
i’m not saying that it is it isn’t amazing
oh no i know you’re not
i know you’re not but
a lot of times i say
things i say
things and they become misconstrued yeah
bill doesn’t like that
slurping by the way is just for all you cunts
fucking getting angry that i slurp my coffee
i get all these people emailing me you
should stop drinking your coffee mute the
microphone while you’re
drinking your coffee
it’s so disturbing
i can’t enjoy your podcast i gotta
admit that’s one of my pet peeves when i watch him
slurping i hate
if there’s a scene where the actors are eating
i hit mute i can’t listen to it because
they fucking you know actors they
gotta make it interesting they can’t just eat they
gotta no listen
we’re gonna fucking
fucking rob the bank and they start
throwing shit in
their mouth and it drives me nuts just the sound
of somebody’s the lip
smackers or what like
when you’re a car with a girl that you just got in a
fight with and she’s eating
doritos you can just hear it like echoing off her
skull the crunching
noise you got issues this
motherfuckers
how he turned that into
some of his own shit yeah
he went to his own life
i have a fucking pet peeve it’s a
weird one but when i see someone eating in the movie
i secretly hope they had to do a hundred fucking takes
and they all threw up
like they can’t keep eating
because it just seems so forced you know you’re eating
while you’re having
this conversation you know like what you’re saying i’m
gonna rub his fucking bank
he’s got a mouth of
it come on point with the
bread out what shit you
wouldn’t do it yeah
who the fuck is
pointing with
their sandwich
you’d be like this guy is an asshole
he’s pointing his fucking sandwich at me and
telling me what’s
going to happen yeah
that’s some
weird intimidation shit
you ever have someone fucking
talk to you and in the middle of the way talking to you
they put a hand on your knee
and squeeze your knee
while they’re talking to you it’s like
what is happening here
i got a couple of
those i remember one time i did
i was shooting a pilot
for some show that
never got picked up and
it was hilarious because
what the hell happened basically
they wanted an edgy show
you know these
things always
start so we give them this edgy show
and right around
right before we did the run through the don
imus thing went down where he said nappy headed hose
so the industry gets so terrified
it’s not even just about radio now it becomes
about this friggin pilot
so they were already nervous
about the joke so we went in there and one of the
first jokes was
i don’t know some homeless guy
comes up and asks
you know me for some change
you know on the liberal guy no no i don’t want that the
other guy was a republican guy
and he turns around and he
flicks ice cream and hits him
right in the face was hilarious right
so they basically
they freaked out and then they didn’t
laugh at any jokes we’re doing this run through
and dude i’m telling you we’re
absolutely bombing
okay now to me
it’s hilarious
and it’s not even that big a deal because
i’ve bombed horrifically by myself i’m bombing with the
group it’s funny
way easier yes i’m walking into
scenes and the
other actors
i see the deer in the headlights i’m almost laughing
and the more it bombs the harder i’m committing to
these jokes
so anyway so the
whole thing tanks and by the end of it you
know me and the
other guy like dude i’m getting
fired he’s like no i’m getting
fired so we
ended up going back to the hotel
and everybody shows up to talk
about it and
you know the creators of the show all come walking in
along with the director and i’m
standing up i let
him in the room the fucking director comes walking in
sits down on my bed
and then reaches over i had some peanuts there
and just grabs a handful
and starts eating
and i just wanted to be like yeah dude
yeah make yourself at home have some fucking peanuts
but i was so in that i’m
gonna get fired
i was trying to be a nice guy and that’s like one of
those things that’s slowly killing me
is every once in a
while like you
know it was like years ago
i’ll be driving down the highway and i just
think of that
motherfucker
sitting down
eating my goddamn peanuts and i talked to you about it
and you were like dude that’s like some
alpha male shit
dude he comes into your
place where
you live he
starts eating your food that is a weird
thing that people
do some people just open your refrigerator and
start eating
i don’t like that no that
drives me nuts
the only person i
might i don’t mind it
is brian callan and joey
and joey always ask but
brian callan
i’ll come in my fucking
kitchen this dude’s eating pumpkin pie he’s got whipped
cream on it and shit
like you you
broke out the
whipped cream
like you made yourself a
plate of pumpkin pie you
broke out the
whipped cream and
everything i got on
my with brian
brian’s my brother i mean
he can do whatever the fuck he wants
doesn’t bother me
right but it’s
still crazy
i wouldn’t do it if i’m over your house
i’m not even
gonna drink
water i’m gonna wait i’m
gonna ask you
hey can i have a
water i know you’re
gonna say yes
i have to ask you
i’m gonna eat your fucking pumpkin pie and put whipped
cream i wish
it was a pill that i
could let go of chef
stuff like that
i’d like a high school
teacher call me the dumbest kid in the room and i’ll
still think about that
20 something
years ago i have the same
issue i talk
about it on
stage i reenact arguments from 1997
screaming at your windshield that’s what i do no
let me tell you something math teacher
well i’m glad that over all the years though
all the stupid ideas that i’ve had
about arguments in my head i’ve
avoided all physical altercations
i’ve never had a physical altercation
i’ve had situations where
you know a long time ago
i wish i told this guy that or i wish i told him this
but the reality is
it’s way better that i didn’t because
then what if he went well fuck you and then he fucking
throws a rock at me and then all of a
sudden were
two men biting each other yeah
wrestling in the
street like fucking children
you know what the fuck is that
when i was a kid my
dad came home from work once with a fucking black eye
my stepdad’s business was going
was falling
apart and at one
point shit got
squirrely and him and his partner fucking duked it out
it’s crazy yeah even
youtube wasn’t around then you know there’d be
some sort of security i
was like whoa aren’t you like in your fucking forties
it’s like what is happening it was
it was disappointing embarrassing it was sad it was a
bunch of different
things all at once you didn’t
think it was badass on any
level that your stepdad
could still
throw it out
no he could i
think he got his ass kicked i’m pretty sure
that’s embarrassing i’m
pretty sure he got sucker
punched and then
he hit the guy back he
punched the guy in the stomach but i don’t know who
punched who
first but it’s just fucking pathetic
this guy was his friend
and this guy used to come over the
house and we used to
you know we all thought
that have family dinners together like
him and his wife
would come over the house
this is my dad’s partner
and then all of a
sudden they’re fucking
duking it out at work as the business fell apart
it was very very
strange am i able
to come over for dinner
again or no
they became friends again yeah
they stayed friends you know they just
duked it out as friends and then they stayed friends
but it was just embarrassing
and he was embarrassed too he felt like such a fucking
idiot he came home with a black eye
you know it’s like what am i doing that
would be hard for me
to re pick up the friendship
it’d be easier if i won the fight
if i lost the fight that
would be in the back of my you want the rematch
at some point you get used to
when you do
jiu jitsu a lot you get used to getting beat
yeah but that’s a
different thing
that’s a different
thing you’re
going there you’re
learning to
fight and then like hey
let’s try these techniques
you know if like what if we had some big argument
about we were
gonna combine our podcasts
and then it
just didn’t go well and i didn’t give you the
money for the
microphones
and then we duked it out
and you somehow lost i somehow surprised you
and had a walk i
would feel like
one in a million chance i somehow caught you
i would feel way
stupider that we’re fighting
i would feel way
stupider than that it’s
i know but you’re a martial
artist i get it
right now just go in
peace you got dumped
it’s not even that
it’s always
you wouldn’t see me in there
and like i got my back turned you down the i would
shake my head
a bit like what
bill how did i
punch me in the face with that
ron howard looking jackass
that would bug you
depends on if you really just tooled me up
like all of a
sudden you just fucking unload like
a 1 2 leg kick combination on me and drop
me i’ve never
you hit me with a
liver shot and
drop me and then i had a tap out yeah then i’d probably
want some sort of a rematch let me ask you this
would you be
really upset
would you lose a belt
class would you have to go back down to
brown belt and
purple belt
you don’t lose
i mean the only way look
you get the ideas that you’re a certain
level of proficiency but it
doesn’t mean that someone can’t get you
what if i started
flexing tapped all the
pictures of my face to your dojo
there’s no way
you’d have to lose yourself
winner bilver
who’s next and i’m just sitting there with a
stupid look on my face oh
man you know
competition is healthy
i think it’s fun
and everything but when it gets in the real world
like as far as like
fighting people and shit like that
it’s too squirrely because you don’t just
fight someone
they get mad and then they come back and they want to
bring a baseball bat or fucking
stab you or
shoot you i
never fought outside my family past june
and i passed you in
junior high
oh yeah once kids
started getting to be like you know bucking a
quarter and knew how to
becoming coordinated
dude i saw one kid take a
pounding and i was just like yeah i’m
sticking with the jokes
it was this kid who he was jacked he’s one of
those man childs
in like eighth
grade you know
they could already
beat up the
teacher but then they get to high
school and they just stop growing and then
they just this little fire plug but in eighth grade
that’s like
that’s their peak
and this kid was at his apex of physical fitness
and he was fighting this doughy
this baby huey looking kid
and they go to get off the bus
and baby huey’s behind man
child and he just you know
he just pushed him down from behind jumped got on his
chest and it was just he just
started teeing off on his head and it was one of those
you know when people go
crazy and then it becomes disgusting
like the crowd was just like ah
and it was just like he
was just beating the fuck out of him he didn’t come to
school for the
rest of the week and he came back the next week and
his swelling in his face
had come down probably 80
but this is manchild manchild yeah manchild
still didn’t look
and he had a look in his eye
i remember his
confidence was shaken
it was amazing man i was like you saw
it was a moment
in his life and i remember just looking at that
going yeah yeah def
it was funny
cause i almost went at it with that baby huey kid i
would have got
killed he’s like
he just he would have
stabbed me with
the sounds of an
angry fucking kid
no he used to get
bullied and he just i don’t know
he was used to getting
the crap kicked out of him by people like
two years older
which is basically when you’re in seventh
grade like that two years
it is a huge jump physically
and it’s like you’re sitting there you know
like okay i’m
gonna fight you
and the other guys like we got like a beard you know
just smashing you over the head so um
yeah so all my
fights were
basically within my family
and i had four brothers so i used to practice on my
three younger ones
and then try to take my
older brother who had the
psychological advantage over me so
older brothers always have an advantage yeah
i didn’t beat i had a friend whose
older brother used to beat the fuck out of him
and it tortured him
late into like
adulthood he was in his late 30s and it was
fucked it fucked his head up
he always wanted to get back at his brother
he used to go over his brother’s
house and his brother was at home and
steal shit from him
like he would go like
his brother’s wife was there
he’d say hi hey gam
i got john told me to go pick something up and he
would go in and just
steal from his brother what’s that
from brotherly
brother beat
the fuck out of them his brother beat the
fuck out of them my brother was like two years older
and just used to
just box them up used to fucking
really hurt him
and intimidate the shit out of him i got one for you i
went last time i fought my youngest brother
i forget what we went at it
about my dad came in to
break it up
and like a piece of shit i did one more over my dad
shoulder caught him and it made that
classic like hollywood
should have recorded the sound
for like the
punch in the face was that classic
but like with a little bit of lip
sound caught
him right in the mouth and
i knew it bugged him and then what
would hit for like 15 years we
would be out
drinking and like when he got on his
third drink
i would feel him
sizing me up i felt it
i felt it i was just
going is this in my head or is this dude
sizing me up
and then like years
later i’m drinking with my
other brother
and we were talking
about our mom
going yeah he
doesn’t think i noticed but i feel him
sizing up he goes
oh yeah dude he goes
every time i
drink with him he
brings that up
and like by then he was a little bit taller than me
and he had that
anger and stuff but
i just would have just tied them up
like i got to a
point where i just you
know you got a strategy
planned out in your head
duck under the sucker
punch get the clinch
yeah my older brother came at me
about 11 years ago like a red roof in
some sort of bullshit
and he came
flying at me
you know my brother’s no joke he can
fight and i just tied him up
but i had the advantage
where he has a real job so he has to work
i can sit here going on hikes and going to the gym and
stuff so i was in
cardio i was in better shape so
i just tied him up
hello jeff tie him up for
not not long dude he was like on these paths
fifteen seconds it was like in cubicle shape
like that initial
i’m gonna i’m gonna kill you but this is the
thing though if he would have
if i didn’t
tie him up yeah that’s all
i did it’s like in hockey when when someone does not
fight they just grab the guy and like bear hug him
i just sort of
did that and i was
how was it he was
kinda on top of me but
i just had him sort of
smothered in there i was like dude i’m not
gonna fight i’m not
gonna fight he didn’t talk to me for a year
wow he didn’t talk to me for a year
and what was he mad about
i don’t it was dude it’s that
family shit
i don’t know
something from 1974 i’m glad i don’t have brothers
cause i would not
wanna grow up with someone like me
if i was a brother
if i’d have like
one of two things
would happen
either we would
join an alliance
you know and fucking
start a team take on the
world and tag team
chicks or we
would fight to the
death it’s gonna be one or the other
i don’t really see any
other options yeah
so which one’s
gonna be fucker
yeah i know i
think there’s a reason why you didn’t have a brother
because whenever i talk
to him he is like you’ll
have a couple of parakeets and they somehow have a
fight to the death
like dude i don’t know what’s with parakeets
they just go attitude it’s like
you’re way more mellow
when i met you
in the 90s dude this guy was like in game
seven energy
it’s so funny
everyone keeps on saying that yeah
that’s the theme way
way more mellow
that’s the theme i
think we’re just now feel comfortable to tell him now
is that what it is no
no no you’re now so
mellow we could talk
about it no but i was way more angrier
when i met him
you know what i mean it’s one of
those things
where you yeah
you’re your
thing yeah your
20s you’re processing
what the fuck just happened to you in your
first 20 hopefully you had a good
childhood if you didn’t you end up in show business
or whatever and then you know you kind of you think
back to that
stuff so yeah you know
yeah i’m kind of just realizing
how how much of a difference
it must be for people because so many fucking people
bring it up
and i try to
think like what
the fuck i was like when i was younger then
i don’t think i was a douchebag
but i definitely
think i had douchebag tendencies
you know like if you were a douchebag to me i
could just go full douche
right back at you and get
stuck in some stupid ass
douchey argument no i
just got really rational i
shouldn’t have been caught into it you like your energy
man you were on the balls of your feet you fucking
ready it was like
your energy was like you had just gotten into a
fight well you met me i was only i just
probably what
would you i met
when i 96 96
well that’s a lot of years
later i was
thinking he probably met me
earlier in the 90s when
my last fight i
think was like an 89
it took a while for me to just wind
down as a human being from that
just from the idea of competing
cause most of my life from fifteen to
twenty one was just competing
in martial arts tournaments that’s all i did yeah you
would like a retired athlete
and now you just you know
twenty one you know
it’s all the
sudden i’m trying to do comedy and i
still have this
fucking weird
mind you know that’s
tuned in for
physical and
combat you’re
still in bloodsport
it’s so stupid when i look back and
think back what i
have done that now there’s no fucking way i’m not gonna
fight somebody for free
and and dedicate my
whole life to doing this
traveling around
the country and kicking people in the head
like that’s what i’m
gonna do they
gonna kick me
travel no nobody
covered shit
you had to pay for your own
travel everywhere you had to pay for your own
hotel room we
sleep like a
bunch of people in a hotel room
like one of us will
sleep on the
floor one guy would
sleep in one bed one guy
would sleep in another bed
one guy would
sleep in a tub
we slept a bunch of guys in rooms
yeah everyone was broke
and we’re all
fighting full contact
with no fucking no
protection i mean
you you have like this little
chest protector on your body
but the really
scary thing
the really scary
thing is your feet
it’s not it’s not
punches and it’s kicking someone in the head it’s a
scary shit so
after a while
exactly do you what
part of your foot do you use so it hurts the less the
least well you just get used to kick
your head is
gonna hurt a lot more than my foot is
you know it’ll hurt i got broken my
foot on people’s shins and i’m broken my foot on elbows
but your your
it’s like between like kicking someone in the head it
doesn’t really hurt your foot
they just go
out family guy mode
going ah kicking
someone and it
would be over
if you catch him with the toes you see that a lot in
fights like
it’s more of a slap
but if somebody like
solidly kicks you in the head
man god if you do it
right almost everybody goes out
it’s one of
my favorite
things i watch those
boss root videos
where he just
i don’t know like
watching that guy like he was so
people were so afraid of that
liver shot oh yeah is that
that richard
prior bit remember that bit
where he talked
about how he came out with his hands high and the guy
all down and then the next
round he comes out he’s got his
elbows down by his waist
and then they’re doing this like
i don’t know i watch his
videos and it’s like this amazing like information
and then just
completely collect
like the guys
he’s great we had one the podcast
i saw that you had that
yeah listen to a young
guy is fucking
killing machine and he’s
absolutely hilarious did you see that one
where he goes like
he walks in if you see somebody yeah fuck your wife
i give him the gun and then i take out the nine
it just yeah he’s fucking crazy
he’s crazy he
did the fighting days that he did he did the bare
knuckle pancreas
days you weren’t allowed to
punch to the face
but you were allowed to
punch the body and you can open palm slap each
other in the face
just so much more humiliating yeah i
guess well he
knocked guys out like that he’s such a savage
he figured out if you just pull your hand way back and
throw it like a
punch and use the palm of your fist
instead of slapping them and hitting him with the hand
which is kind of flexible it gives into the shot
if you hit him with the palm
it’s like it’s a bone
and it’s a bone that you really don’t have to
worry about
breaking unlike your hands
how can you
punch somebody in the face bare
knuckle you really have to
worry about
breaking your hands
people don’t realize that a lot of people
break hands no i’m not
stab smash bang bang goodbye
and you know what’s
funny is that
sound effect is so
funny but you’re
watching him his form
is perfect yeah oh
yeah he’s got some fucking
great stories
about brawls to
you know imagine picking a
fight with that fucking guy what
a what a giant
can’t take a mistake
apparently there was some football player that got
mouthy with him
boss accidentally stepped on the guy’s foot
and the guy got you know
he’s a little animated
and get a little
crazy know the guy didn’t know
until afterwards
but you know
boss gets a little animated and he’s at a bar i
guess he was just really loud and he’s fun guy you know
and he’s telling some
story or something he stepped on this guy’s foot
and the guy
got just really douchey with him he goes i’m
sorry i apologize my
fault let me buy you a drink
and the guys know fuck you and fuck your
drink and you like got in his face
and he said
you want to take this outside and pass through
and goes sure
okay let’s take it outside
and then his friends come
up to him goes do you know what the fuck you’re doing
dude okay okay
you know he’s
just a big dude
who thought i’m
gonna go outside and fuck up this bald guy
he’s what a
giant mistake
yeah but this guy’s way bigger
this guy’s a football
i mean football players man
i was in phoenix once i was in tamping i was
going to the improv
and some fucking kid was there who’s uh
one of the arizona
state guys who’s
playing like professional football now
he was so big
right like you
don’t realize like how big that kind of big is
that boss root
is only 215 pounds
that’s nothing compared to
these guys i was
in a bar in utah and there was a guy who used to play
quarterback for like oregon or oregon state
and i was just looking at the guy
going that’s a
quarterback
that’s because they look
like rag dolls when they get hit on tv this guy was
he was like 6 5
like 240 and he was
still in shape and it’s like that guy
you know if a linebacker comes from behind he
doesn’t see him his
head snaps back and he’s on the ground like all woozy
are you a football fan
yeah football hockey
do you when you see guys um
like collide when you see like a really bad hit
you know does it does it fucking
freak you out
when you see that when you see like a guy go out
not really in football
it’s hockey hockey is is
because hockey players i don’t know
that they’re as big as football players but they’re
going like fifteen
twenty miles an hour right
i don’t know you can obviously go faster on
skates but just sometimes like when guys
you know the headshots sometimes in hockey if you just
watch a guy
you know i’ve seen a couple guys
their careers got
ended somebody’s
somebody’s buzzing
is that mine
i don’t even have a
phone on me
that’s boss calling in the show
joe rogan it’s boss ruth
yeah
your comb is here too somewhere joe do you
still have his comb
laying around here i probably got 80 emails
about that comb
we were gonna auction it off
there goes a couple buddhas
yeah i was telling
i was telling
i’m sure this is
still nice and clean
um it is he has a bliss
stuff he keeps i used it to comb my ball hairs
special no i play drums
and a lot of times i’ll play
right before i go out so
with like the headphones on i get like this weird like
it’s not even a hat head it’s a head
headphone head
and it comes down here on the side so i just you
know push my hair up and go like that so i saw him
he go through what are you like fucking john travolta
and racist all the
things that we always wondered who
still buys combs my dad
still carries
around a comb and i always try to like try it up
like there’s something to it if my dad uses it so like
i always try to do it but it does nothing for me no
you have to be like over
like i don’t know 60
i think at this
point i didn’t even
think that cause you
gotta realize like a lot of
the guys like ted
nutrients and then they’re in
their 60s now yeah so it’s
william shackner just turned 80 yeah
the fuck man
is that real
no that freaks me out
wayne someone i just turned 50
i say so many
things in the podcast that people
tell me without
checking it
can’t be real
no no no he’s like 70
he was he was like 35 when he did it how do you
spell his name william s
a h a t n e r
maybe no s c s h
shatner yeah
s h a t n e r
maybe okay well troy
exposing how
stupid we are yeah it’s not
dumb you can beat people and
still be successful in showbiz
yeah it’s amazing you
could be so
stupid and yet
still make it
yeah i remember an
age one time telling me you got you got some comedian
some huge gig some huge big
money paying gig
cause this guy was kind of it’s true
he’s born in nineteen thirty one
that is fucking
crazy that’s
crazy well it makes
sense because the
star trek was in the 60s
so he was in his
30s well he
was kind of sucking in his gut with that little tidy
sucking his got a little bit
and then they
were they rocking a wig with him back then and no he
still had his hair wow that’s so weird
i don’t know yeah it’s like it was just
going but he got
he got great plugs though
because you can
never really look like you don’t think
that’s not plugs
oh what did he get also to pay
yeah yeah that’s a
that’s a pay
that’s a wig
whatever he’s cool as fuck i let him get away with it
those old guys like you
ever see like humphrey bogart’s wig that needs to wear
back in the
day oh yeah
oh yeah pretty obvious one
yeah i’m free bogart was
going bald as he was a
movie star so they got him a fucking wig frankly
jesus christ you know so i have
watched a bunch of his movies man
comfort road
right i saw a lot of
frank sinatra and i know
frank liked him
frank took a lot of his swagger from that guy
really yeah
yeah if you watch
those movies yeah yeah he’s got a couple
man he’s got one i’m so bad at remembering the names of
movies he’s got one
where he calls this girl out
on some female shit that like you know
i saw and i was like that shit happened to me last week
he just totally calls her out we
should try to change the subject
about something and
it was just it was awesome
say that’s not what we were talking
about no but he
was like the
story he had that he didn’t
know that was
more like edward g
robinson yeah
yeah shitty accent
so what it was like
no he’s here just more i can’t do an
impression of
the guy but he had just more of a laid back
he just would
he just would be sitting in a
scene looking
at you and you just immediately felt like ah shit
you remember
those old movies
where the guy
would get mad and he
would fucking
smack the check
yeah that’s what they used to do
i think they did it on archie bonker didn’t they they
would never
consider oh
archie didn’t archie hit either
she got really mad at him i
think so oh watch
remember and everybody was really upset
remember that shit i just sort
of vaguely remember this
we’re not making this up i
think i think i remember that too
i think there was
so long ago that’s
tricky memory wanted it to happen you know your whole
every cell in your body
except your neurons
gets replaced every seven years
so your memory where the fuck is your memory
store does it in your brain is it in your neurons is it
non local nobody really knows
so when you
look back in a memory that you had from like
twenty years ago
who knows what the fuck whether
you’ve made that up on the
story of a memory that you used to remember
you created something new
you know who the no no
i know what you’re saying because
i’ve listened to guys tell stories
about stuff
where i was
there and i was just like i don’t remember like yeah
well then it was a
sailboat remember the guy in the sale what
you know we were in our living room
talking about
no bro we just won the lottery you don’t remember
i just came back from a banning on you stream
i was banned yesterday for
showing a thong
showing a thong yeah what
yeah this girl
we had on peaches
and we also had the holly first of all what
did you say her name was
peaches i know one peaches that it was
her real name she was a wardrobe person on fear factor
very nice lady right
that was a real name
what’s this girl’s real name
this girl’s
sarah peaches
and the reason we were asking why she was called
peaches because her butt
looks like a peach
and so we’re like oh we
gotta see this butt now so she pulled down her
pants and she had a thong on
and i guess people complained and they just banned my
whole account but
but i thought that
ustream just hooked you up and just said that you were
gonna get oh yeah yeah yeah but
there’s a difference between
like you know
standards and practices exactly
so did you contact the guy i contacted
him they you know pulled the
video and then put me
back up and they’re just saying that you know nowadays
it’s kind of like a network tv they have sponsors
you know you can’t have yeah but you
can show a thong
but anyway that’s
what i thought i was like thongs though are like
you can go on the
beach with a thong
right right
yeah it all depends
it all depends
on what tv show
like country music
right network
i’m sure like you couldn’t show a thong on that
yeah yeah yeah
yeah it’s certainly
broadcast network so i
guess you know it’s all new
top technology it’s all new
shit so kind of have to find that yeah but what about
the shit we talk about
what we talk
about is a fucking thousand times more offensive
than a girl absolutely
absolutely you know a thong that’s it really
yeah so fucking
weird like what you were saying
about that you know
the situation
that happened when you were doing that show and
you know people
get offended and what was the one what was the
story that was in the news
while you were doing the show don
imas the don imas
story what you
call the girl
snappy headed hose
when i was doing the man show it was
janet jackson’s nipple
janet jackson’s nipple in the super bowl
came out right
while we were doing the man show
and i thought
who gives a what the fuck it’s nothing you know it’s a
stupid stunt
you know but
who cares really
i mean to me it was a non issue
but it became this fucking huge
thing in show business
where you could i mean
they came in and
changed monologues they came in and cut out
scenes they cut out
cut out sketches
they were like no more we can’t we can’t do this we’re
gonna have to take this way back yeah i wish i
could be on the phone call
when it comes from
whatever group
or washington dc when they say that i
think it’s because that they actually take it seriously
yeah it’s just so
disappointing though when you see all
these fucking people scrambled because some
chick pulled out her nipple
and the crazy
thing was the news the big
thing in the paper said
that it was during the dinner hour
that’s what it said
no no no no
no i totally a
black tit during the
no people were
right to be offended it was on network
television all
right it was the
super bowl you got your kids
watching i understood
what kind of
kids are you raising that are gonna be
freaking out
about a chick’s nipple
serious yeah
no wait no wait a
minute wait a
minute you still want your kids to have a
childhood that’s what i
think awful
about nipples a goddamn
childhood stealing
months yeah
that’s a little bit of
excitement in their
childhoods not like fucking janet jackson
started stroking
the nipple and then fingering her i’ll tell you what
whip out a black
tit in front of my kids they’re
gonna start
laughing at you yeah i
think it’s funny
well listen
okay there’s people out there
they have how they want to
raise their kids so
it’s like they don’t have cable
so keep all the
smut on cable and i
should be able to be here so that
thing crossed in
you know what i compared it to
it was like
orange juice and
brushing your
teeth individually they were fine
but you bring them together it’s bad there’s nothing
wrong with seeing an
iconic it’s a very
good point and iconic titty
but you had it on network tv
and that was that was the
problem so like that’s an interesting way to look at it
i think we’re way too hung up
about sex though i
think that’s a non
issue i really do it’s not like they were fucking on tv
she pulled out her
pussy and fingered herself in
front of the camera
i’d go yeah you just went too far now you’re all sexual
it’s a football game yeah but they’re doing
some sexual
performance on network
television yeah but
every time you
watch dancing with the stars they’re fucking on the
stage i mean
they lumbot each
other and when the
woman will straddle the guy’s cock what’s
going on there
but you’re imitating some sort
of sexuality yeah
but this is the thing
you you know that
okay it’s a football game the kid
doesn’t know that
no what i’m saying is as a parent
if you’ve decided to
watch dancing with the stars no if you’re
gonna watch a football game you’re not
expecting to see a titty
so you just
expect to see dudes that weigh 300
pounds and jacked up with antivar
and human growth hormone
running at each
other and smashing into each other
and somehow another
tit is scarier than that
i’m not saying i have a
problem with it i’m saying look you have to understand
i’m not either i’m just
there’s a fake argument bro
just try to keep this
going alright people’s
point of view
well fucking roll with it like you just say
that people’s fucking like
just like you got to respect that
other people don’t
aren’t you know i had i told i totally
freaked out by shit they go look i want my kid to
have like dude you know something even if it was like
one second listen
i don’t even know
what a pussy look like
until i was like what like twelve
should grow up with me you know
i showed you
we’re talking
about intercity
kids i’m just saying i was allowed to have a fucking
childhood and be innocent for a little bit but like
now it’s just like
the shit that you can get away with
on like network tv now because of cable
he’s fucking i remember
like when the benny hill show came out people were
freaking out
and all he was doing
he was walking up behind girls
asses pretending he was warming his hands
and he had that
silly and way in
and he’s walking in fast motion
and they were
freaking out and i sat there
as like a fucking like
seven year old
turned on by it because that that was like tube 8
was the benny hill show back then
and i think that like seriously i don’t
think that it’s
that i think kids do see way too much
i don’t think they
should be embarrassed
about bodies and
stuff like that but i mean
dude that you
understand they can go into your laptop
and like we didn’t
we couldn’t you couldn’t see any like like a porno
when we were coming up
you’d have to have a fucking know how to work a real to
real and then
vcr and then you’d have to find your
parents stash now you can just go on the damn laptop
i really sound like some
right no but you’re
right you’re right
i’m just saying
everything you
want to raise
their kids the way they want to
raise them so
if you chose not to have cable
and you want to stay away from that shit then it’s fine
i see what you’re saying but the way i look at is
everything accelerates including access to
things access to information access to even bad
things and you
know the kids are
gonna have to deal with an ever
changing world
and if you went from
where you were when you were 12 to how you see the
world now it’d be a pretty big fucking
shock you know
and i think
for kids it’s like
they’re gonna get it way
earlier than we did
but that’s just the nature of the
world today it’s just
you can’t fight
against that i don’t
think it’s kind of like how the internet
started off with such slow
speeds like you have
56k mode and
for and used
to be like hey what’s this
photo oh hey oh that’s a horse a
stick oh my god it’s
going in that person’s ass
you know you kind of were deluded to the internet
because you did this slowly
it was a slow process of seeing
all that root on the internet
what where people
watch that type of shit or they
watch like beheadings
oh no no i mean i’m talking about
sending you
things no because
you know the only
thing that’s really fucked up there’s a lot of people
who aren’t on the vice
squad but have like that
level of mental damage and they’re like an account
because they go on
and watch somebody get
their head sought off yeah
i remember that
video in like
comics coming and going yeah
dude i shouldn’t have
watched it like
you saw like
i got a bit my act
where i talk
about your soul i view it like it’s
pixelated and
every time you see something that you shouldn’t have
seen like a couple of cubes float away
and you just
never the same person so i i think
i don’t know
i’m trying to i
think you stop
watching porn in
spite of all that
yeah yeah i
tried to do that when i
started having kids
but stop watching porn
you start thinking
about those kids right
you know what stars
there’s like a tipping point
yeah there’s a tipping
point with this shit
where it’s kind of like all
right this is healthy
you’re exploring what you’re into
and then you just go down a
rabbit hole
you closes behind you
and easily you can easily go down
how many guys do we know
that have been addicted to masturbating when they talk
about they’ve masturbated
three times a day
every day even if they’re not hard
you know they just keep going
what i mean
you give a guy a lot of free time
this shag rug here
you give guys enough free time they’re
gonna jerk off just a fact
they do it in prison even though they
know people are watching
they don’t care
these guys in solitary confinement
they’re naked beating off
with a camera on them
just do it on that podcast with that
chick with the
sarah peaches
the guy that came with her was the
hollywood sex
like anyone that has a sex tape
they go to him to sell it
and stuff he did
paris hilton’s
and he was talking
about how no she was behind it she made
about seven million dollars from that shit
and like he just fucking
broke through
all these people
that have come
up to him like he’s like yeah i have a lindsay
lohan one but
it’s from the back so i can’t verify if it’s
her but supposedly it really is her giving a blowjob
how crazy is it that
these people figured out a way to make
money and get
famous off of porn
i was in kardashian
i was in australia
and there was a fucking
giant kim kardashian poster
and all i could think of
that girl got
famous for fucking a guy on
film i mean she’s a porno star
you know i mean fucking the film no that used to ruin
your career yeah
no it makes something out of nothing
i’m sure really shouldn’t
throw a name out here but was it
jane kennedy
you guys don’t watch
sports there was this girl
back in the day she was on the nfl on cbs
and her ex boyfriend
sent out a tape
a sex tape after they broke up
of her getting fisted i believe oh my goodness and
the general public didn’t see it
because there was no youtube none of that it just went
around the industry and that was the end of her career
wow yeah you
can’t get fisted and now nowadays yeah like that
would actually you know
you know that
would be part of like your imdb page
you know if they were trying to see how much
money you should get paid for a
pilot well he’s done already two
pilots he’s done a letterman
you know we
bang this girl and fucking
came on her face so you know his dick is out there
definitely has some sort of q
ratio you know
ratio whatever the fuck you say
well she has two fistings online
actually wait a
minute why am i saying a guy
a guy can’t get away with that shit
like think like females can make like a sex tape
certain kind
of it sex tapes before yeah i’m
size more one
or the time size more one
but he didn’t blow up
after that that was i know but we’re
still awesome
it was still awesome oh yeah yeah fuck
that’s exactly what it
sounded like and
you know what he said that he has a tape
right now with usher
that he’s getting
sued for or something like that and he’s getting
pegged in it and i didn’t know what pegged means
but whoa wait a
minute usher’s gay
wait a minute
you know what peg means
i don’t know i’m
assuming in the butt it’s
where a girl wears a
dildo and fucks you in the ass
what listen to the podcast it’s crazy
it’s naughty show number 12 that guy’s
gonna get sued yeah you just say
you can’t say
he said it i didn’t say it
alright i will
say allegedly but that’s what he said
funny that it’s
so common that guys like girls fuck em with
strap ons they have a nickname for it
pegged and everybody’s like oh yeah i heard
of that before oh yeah
oh i’m well
aware of what that entails
what a fucking
crazy business
this guy that i know
his buddy was dating a porn star and
he was dealing with it for a
while because he was kind of a
loser he didn’t have a job and
didn’t really have much going on she would
pay for dinner and
stuff like that and you know
he just said ah just work for her it’s work for her
just work one day
he comes home and she’s
going over her contract for the next thing
and he goes what does
airtight mean
and that’s like
in one of the descriptions of the
scenes it means a dick in every hole
and she goes one in my
mouth one in my butt and one in my pussy
goes that’s
hilarious that’s hilarious he goes
that’s it i’m out you got up that was the end of the
relationship you packed up your shit and you moved out
it’s like i’m done
what airtight
like this bitch wasn’t just doing porn
you know he
tried to distance himself and not
watch any of it
you know he’s kind of a
liberal fella
you know try
to be creative man air tight i like this
but it was just
it’s so common
that girls know
what it means when it’s in your contract
you have to do one air tight you know one clean
i still think it’s
funny that they
still have to come up with
these euphemisms
because even with them they
try to make it okay so you know we’re
gonna you know
start off with the
standard we’ll do
blah blah blah we’ll
build to an airtight and then
we’ll do a facial
it sounds like a spa
well some of them
some of them are so common that it’s actually with the
search terms like cream pie
cream pie is you
shoot a load inside a girl and then she kind of
squirts it out like a like a
cream pie i’m familiar with the point
yeah but i mean what the fuck
man yeah everyone it’s so common that it’s a category
like if you go to like you porn or something like that
that’s one of the categories is
cream pies guys
shooting loads and girls
like hello diseases
here have a
disease in your butt that’s what i don’t get that
in your butt i don’t get like
i know they get tested all the time
what does that mean
those guys are fucking heroin
junkies every night
you know who knows what they’re doing
you take it they get tested like
every three months
you know like that
doesn’t mean anything that’s
crazy plus even if you
guess i don’t know
i don’t know how good it is now but i remember back
in the day remember they were scaring the shit out of
every straight guy out there that you’re
gonna get aids yeah
they said that
they scared the fuck out of
me the safest way
oh yeah do you remember that like back in
the day you get
what year did you take an aids test
the first year i took one was 96 or seven
and i remember i
had to wait like five six days
it’s one thing walking about
walking around
worrying because they had everybody
worried that they had it so
worrying that you had it
was something you give
you know but
knowing that you were
gonna find out
emphatically
one way or the
other in five
days but fortunately i had a really cool doctor
i was sitting there in the waiting room just like
just rocking
back and forth what the fuck why did i bang that chick
jesus christ
i knew so fucking weak
why did i give into it right
and he came walking up and he was really cool
he said mr bercombe
he said come on back he goes don’t
worry you’re all set like he set it in the waiting room
he didn’t let me take
that long walk
like the next douchebag
like i would like
the only time i
would get tested
would be like if i was getting into a relationship and
basically the girl said
we need to go out and get tested for
everything and i was like
yeah let’s be responsible and i was like fuck
the guy taking my test i took i had to get insurance
when i first
moved to new york i
guess it was like 1991 that’s why i took my first test
and the guy who was testing me said
have you ever
had gay sex no have you ever shared a needle
no he goes you don’t have
nothing to worry about
i’m like really
really ghost you got nothing to worry
about he goes
trust me you’re
gonna be okay
i’m like this guy’s just
being nice to me man he’s just being nice and you just
think about all
those girls i
should’ve wore a condom what the fuck was i thinking
and what does that mean i
should’ve wore a condom if you knew she had
age you just
stick your dick
inside of her with a little tiny thin little
membrane protecting you from the
depths of hell
no you wouldn’t you know it’s fucking craziness
but i went and the guy did the same
thing he called
me up and he gave me the results over the phone
and as he called me up he goes joe
you’re all set you’re all set just want you to relax
no totally negative no problem
yeah but for fucking days oh shit in my
pants convinced
convinced that i’m like a red
shirt virgin
what do you
think about that and how much knowledge that
we have what we really know the average person knows
about medical science
and think about
what it must have been like when medical science didn’t
exist and so you thought you really were cursed
you know the shit probably worked
you know you
could probably
curse someone with witchcraft
and they probably
would fucking trip
everywhere they go and fall
and land on
their fucking face and
break their neck or
psychological
you think everything that happens that’s like
when people say bad
things come in
threes it’s no you keep restarting counting
after three
that’s what happens
people go up this this and then this
it’s like yeah
then this that
makes four if you
count back to the beginning of your life
you know is it divisible by
three it’s like
it’s life bad shit happens
good it’s like whenever a celebrity dies they
would say you know that’s three
yeah it all comes in
three this is a
thing though
even jokes when you describe jokes they come in
through the best way to tell a joke
i have yeah i usually have three
three examples
you know that are
ridiculous i
know that’s true
i’m just talking
about the bad show
why is that though that
things in three
celebrities dies
celebrities
dying in three
they don’t people
recount after
three if they went one
right they were
talking about a
small period in time it’s not like time is
open ended they’re talking
about over a course of a couple of weeks three very
famous people will die and it happens all the time
it really does
it really doesn’t
know that people just stop
counting at
three and they
start over again i could
say like somebody
would die like two days
later and well you know
yeah or if a guy
dies like a month
later then they go okay that’s one
you wait you wait and it’s like yeah
and then i guess
chinese celebrities probably don’t count
and there’s a billion people over there they must be
dropping off
every day yeah
i’m sure there’s
famous country singers to you that
would have been like the biggest star ever where
other who me i don’t even know who
that guy is wrap your fucking head around the fact that
china has more than
three times the people that america has
more than three times what they
got people shitting on the side of the road
i said on the podcast that they were
self sustainable
that they but
apparently they’re not anymore
apparently now they’re importing
grain people got
upset at me so
no i guess they’d not but you know what i want to hear
about and they also put in grain
i always wonder like i wonder if that’s
wonder if they’re forced to
do that wonder if they’re forced to buy like american
grain we sell them
grain and you
know if you want to read a
great article is the one in rolling
stone this month that has howard
stern on the
cover is they talk
about these two
basically potheads
who became these international arms dealers
and just how that
whole thing goes down how countries
when they want to arm
a certain side in some
smaller country
but they don’t want the shit coming back to them
how they go
about it how
they go through
these people
there’s some website
christ what
the hell is it i can’t remember but it’s like
the military is
required to put all
their contracts on it
so you can read all
their contracts
this is typical
me something interesting and i can’t tell you
where to go to
and you can read all
their contracts and they’re open to any bidder
i think they’re in the bush administration
they made it like that you know so i don’t know free
enterprise i
don’t know what but it kind of seemed like it was a way
for them to then arm certain people
without it coming back it’s like
basically having
other people do your
dirty work but just the way well that’s what the
whole idea about
mercenaries is i mean that’s what the big complaint
about what you know
black water and
those types of groups
is that we use them overseas and it’s
basically a way to get away with doing like really
dirty shit oh yeah
but totally legally
thing i mean
this is how i look at it
everybody does it and i don’t know
what their endgame
right but she’s
been doing it i mean dude
if we are what we pretend we are
then we should be the ones who
stand up and say that this is
this is what you can’t do
you can’t torture prisoners
you can’t you can’t
absolutely can
do that are we
gonna be the only
country that actually
sticks by what we say we are because everybody seems to
be someone has to lead an example right
do we say the
world filled with line cunt so we’re
gonna be line cunts i don’t know
i mean i see what you’re saying i see the
other argument that like look the
world’s a dirty
place and you’re gonna have
people that are willing to do your bidding
no you know like yeah no
i don’t get how war is legal
and i don’t get how
like jesus freaks and really religious people
get behind war
they’ve been doing
it for like the inquisitions and the and the crusades
they they were taking murderers out of prison
going you are forgiven
and then unleashing them
in like the middle east to do what
the reason why you
stuck them behind bars but
they just doing it for the church did they really yeah
what year was this
that’s just some fucking website i’ve read it off of
i looked at it
for three minutes well one of the reasons why i want to
have percent of this fact
i mean i always
loved my space
talking to you but
i know that you’re one of
those guys that
doesn’t believe anything in
the news is what it is news
motherfuckers
so that’s why i wanted to talk to you
about all this shit that’s
going on in the middle east it’s like
every fucking day some new
government is being overthrown
it’s getting really
weird to the
point where i’m like man are they
like fucking prepping for something like what is
going down how
is it really what everybody says it is that
all of a sudden with the internet people are becoming
aware and they’re all rising up
it takes more than just being
aware to get people to risk
their fucking lives and get
i mean in libya this
motherfuckers flying jets and launching missiles into
crowds and shit he’s killing people
they’re shooting
right into crowds
might not be with jets but i
might have made that up
but i know they’re
shooting into
crowds and killing people left and
right like these
people that are fighting
against him
there’s a movement that’s
going down i don’t know what it is but it was you know
the real thing but you know the real thing
it’s guys out there
who we put in power
and we were cool with and then when
they stop being cool
with us then we go in and then we try to take them out
i’ll tell you know what’s really fucked up where
those celebrities who went out and they did like a
corporate gig
for like gaddafi’s kids
and they try to act like oh i didn’t know
it’s like dude
if you work at a comedy club and there’s somebody like
in a wheelchair
the club owner comes back hey not
telling you how to do your act just letting you know
there’s someone in the
crowd the wheelchair so i mean you know
just if you
wear a midget
choke that you
close with you
might want to not use it
right so these people are
going to perform
for the kids of a mass murderer don’t you
think they get some sort of halftime
speech listen don’t say this
you don’t want to offend
their cult just letting them know like i had no idea
i was really
disappointed when i saw you performed for gaddafi
what was it
beyonce usher
mariah carey and
then they all donated it to charity but only
cause they got busted
gaddafi pegs that’s what i heard
gaddafi pays he pegs
why are you just making shit up
they’re asking people if they should give their
their money back apparently there’s a lot yeah
beyonce did it huh yeah and i saw this
photo and it’s like dude it’s hilarious it’s like
you got someone who can sell out the fucking staples
center it’s like what you do really got to go there and
entertain that’s
scumbag is it just so much
money like what are they all they pay
a million bucks for like a
night and you come there was funny was that one of the
pictures i saw now i don’t know if this was actually
her at the gig
but dude it’s like she’s
standing out in your living room
going full out doing
hot fucking routines be awesome for the kid of a murder
of a mass murderer the guy
admittedly is behind those pan am bombings
right wow am i
crazy thinking that that killed americans
and that kid has a
yeah no he is
she’s sitting there dancing like literally dancing
dance to me let’s go and that kid is my backup black
yeah asha apparently performed for him too
wow he gave beyonce
two million dollars for her private performance
whoa that’s pretty
crazy his youngest son
hannibal that’s his fucking son
after the silence of the lambs if you name your kid
hannibal you’re a sick fuck yeah
and it wasn’t
a nickname he knew coming out of the woods
it was gonna be a sick fuck
so nothing is scarier than the sons of
dictators you ever hear about
what is their oodie and crusay or whatever the fuck
those sodoms kids brutal the shit they did they fed
women to dogs
they did they did horrible shit they do they were find
women one of the things they
would do is find a woman as she was getting married
they would find her
as like literally go into the wedding
kill the husband in
front of everybody take the
wife rape her and kill her and feed her to dogs jesus
they used to
grind people up and meat
grinders like some of the stories are just horrific
i mean they grew up with ryan and meek
what sort of how big was the meek
were there alive
i don’t know
and they just sitting there hoo hoo
ha ha well you
could easily
stick someone in a wood chipper if you wanted to
oh yeah no that’s
standard that
would be easy
guys fall in the wood
chippers all the time man i saw i saw a guy get busted
they figured out that he did it
and then they just
went out on his property and he just had like you know
basically human bone shrapnel
i love this part of the all over the part of the woods
dude i was on a
gig recently
and this guy
you know who was
allegedly a federal
agent but by the end
of it i didn’t even believe it he was telling me all
these horrific stories
and i’m sitting there looking at the guy
first of all when he walked in
one of the first
things he did was he picked his nose
and i’m like and i’d already
shook his hand like ah
fuck it’s like alright who
doesn’t pick their nose
then he adjusts his dick
and at one point he’s in the middle of telling me
about being on a
stakeout he
starts digging in his ass
to the point he’s like almost on his tiptoes
he’s like fucking
dude and he’s like
and you could tell he was like habitually
picking his ass
cause he’s in
the middle of talking to me he just met me
and he’s like yeah you know so we’re
standing out there
and when buck and he
starts going like this
and i’m looking at this kid and he’s
like yeah i’m a federal agent
it’s like dude
you’re picking your ass
oh god and also
why are you telling me all this shit it’s
kinda like the guys who go to war
and they actually see some shit
never talk about it
and then the guy who’s fucking working in the kitchen
oh yeah man shit was
crazy i shot this guy in the fucking head that’s
after a while i was like i
think this guy is like this
did you see
these new photos that came out from afghanistan they’re
basically just like
the what was the fucking the prison
was the prison
were guantana
no no no the one where they
took all those
photos of all the iraqis
and did all that fucked up shit
that them the
soldiers did yeah i don’t know
i can’t remember god damn it
brian do you remember
you don’t know what it is you don’t even know what the
story is anyway
there’s new
photos that just surfaced
and they’re just like
those photos
what the fuck was the name of the
yeah but is that
shocking you really don’t want to get captured
by the enemy
no yeah it’s pretty fucked up oh yeah they’re smiling
like holding people up by the hair and like look abu
ghraib thank you
a walton forty two mr alex walton you got it for me
buddy abu ghraib
you know and they
they were doing
the same sort of shit and one of them was
family friends with
sarah palin
for like twenty years
he’s fucking
holding up this guy by his hair
bullet holes in him and shit
oh after he was dead yeah
yeah they’re dead you
know i gotta
admit if i was over there i’d be doing that shit
would you how many people can you
shoot in the head before you don’t get a little
twisted you
gotta find the comedy in it
well the crazy
thing is those fucking poor kids are coming back
you know and you meet them you know
you know side
right yeah they kind of fuck
squelch that by the way but well
at one point in time more people had died in one month
in suicides than had died in combat
i mean it’s
scary shit you know the number
rate for the
month yeah for the month
uh yeah i mean
you’re not supposed to kill another human being
it goes against the i don’t know
especially someone you don’t even know you know
oh it’s okay if you know him
no i mean killing someone
for you know you just get told this is a bad person
go over there and kill them
and you’re over there
going what the fuck i flew to
their neighborhood
i landed and i snuck into
their backyard and i shot them in the fucking head
dude if i think if i ever went to war i
would be the guy crying in the foxhole
during battle
but if i could somehow muster up the balls
to kill somebody
after i did that one it
would be like a fucking
water slide i
mentally would just
get used to it no and no it’s like i just know how my
brain works it’s why you know
i had some buddies of mine who
were you know
going down to brazil
and banging
those girls and doing that and it’s just
and i never went
and they you know why don’t you go it’s like
cause i’ll go down there i’ll come back but mentally
you’ll be fucked
dude i can’t go to a land
where i can go
no yeah where you can go fuck a
bunch of jlo’s for like
eight bucks
and come back here and
think that i can function in society
that’s what
those expacs listen
we need to sit down and talk
about this lately i’d be like shut
up fuck j lo for
eight dollars
get on a plane
in six hours
i could i could
as many as i wanted like
that you could
bring her back here you
could go steal her
bring her back here
yeah i mean
that’s evil if you’re willing to deal
with something
about like hooker
i don’t want to fly to the third
world and fuck the
children of some of the poorest people on the planet
yeah for like dvd money
after my shows
something you know
not to say i’m not a twisted fuck i
think it’s because i know how twisted i am
i try to like
stay away from that shit yeah i’m the same way i’m a
psycho i think there’s a certain well i
think everybody’s a comic is a little bit of a psycho
you know just a the act of
going on stage demanding that kind of attention
lit microphone
voice the whole deal
i woke up the
other day i had an
argument with a girl i went out with fifteen years ago
about what but i ask it’s a long fucking
story just some bullshit
she did something stupid
she did something
stupid all right and i wanted to be like
i was trying
she fucked up in her life
and she fucked up so bad i was actually scared
going how am i
gonna pick her up off the mat
cause i know if i did some shit like that
i’ll be thinking
about kilma
she fucked up so
i’m trying to
build her up
and the whole
time a little more specific about
she just goes now
she just goes i know i know she kept
going i know i know i just
remember being so fucking people like you know what
you don’t know
you’re a fucking moron
but did you
arrogant pig headed
it just you have a nice
house so yeah
so i woke up
and that’s what i was my eyes
weren’t even open
i was laying in a fucking hotel
yelling at it with my eyes closed
and then sort
of knowing in my head how fucked up that is
how long ago was
this argument he had with her like i said it was like
fifteen years ago so by yourself you’re in a hotel room
you wake up your eyes aren’t even open
and you go like you fucking
dummy i told you
yeah that’s
crazy you need
to go to what that is dude
i’ve been you need a cat scan homie
i’ve been to one
wow i got one
whenever i do
letterman i always have a nightmare that i bomb
but i’ve been through enough times and i always
do well so i know i’m fine i thought you were gonna
say whenever i do letterman i always get a cat scan
no no no so
last time i did it
i was having
those thoughts they woke me up in the middle of the
night and i actually
started talking to the voices
i just said oh shut the fuck up it’s
gonna be fine and i
went back to
sleep i swear
to god it’s fine
well sometimes it’s a good
thing to do
to actually have conversations with yourself
i think i think you have to be
aware that you’re a psycho
that’s that’s step one and then just you you know
if you’re a psycho you’re
you can’t be cured of
being a psycho you just have oh
that’s not true
what’s that
stupid show on
showtime where he only kills the bad people dexter
dexter yeah it’s like dexter
no you evolve
you evolve dexter
time you recognize
what you’re doing
wrong with your life you
understand what makes you feel shitty
what makes you feel good and you evolve when does
that happen
that’s worked for me
i’m joking you don’t want to kill anyone
this shit is addictive
the coconut
water is a shit get that little
burst of energy and then you want some more
you’re all fired up you’re looking to
fight one of your brothers right now
fun fun fun fun fun
yeah have you
heard this fucking
song when i talked about it
to you before we
started you
haven’t heard it
it’s a song that’s
by a 13 year old girl
and they were talking
about it on opie and anthony i had already
heard it but i didn’t know the
story behind it and
opie and anthony were saying that
apparently this girl is 13
or dad has a lot of money
and they produced this song for her
and it’s fucking
brutal this poor kid
first of all
there’s like
thirty four million hits in youtube
and when i watched it the
other day is only a couple days ago there’s only
twenty four million so ten million
fucking hits
in a couple days
just because it’s
awful that’s how
awful it is
and people’s lives are awful
yeah but they want to see somebody fail
they do but it’s also
their just like me so
bring it up
i want to see it
dude what the fuck is that
thing that’s an ipad
check this out i
am so far behind in the times that’s like in the future
this is the worst song in the history of the
world and by the way if i was 13 my song would be
worse than this so i’m not judging
when i was 13 my song would be 100 times worse
i love it to you
she’s like dead and listen to the lyrics
what which seat can i take it gets worse
okay what the fuck bro no
no no it’s fine i don’t
want to hear any more of it what is that you getting
emails no that was a twit
come on i don’t shut
your fucking
thing off and this is gets better
i want billboard
to freak out
he’s freaking out
right now see him
it gets worse
all right shut it off no no no you have to
see the part where it spells it out and
writes out what the words are no don’t tell him let him
experience this
how the fuck
are they driving
at 13 that’s
what i want to know for is she
hanging around with 17 year olds that are fucking her
it gets worse
come come come come
by the way this shits gonna be
stuck in your head that friday friday yeah
yeah the music underneath it it’s about
party and party and yeah
here we goes this is the best part
i’m gonna have a
headache tomorrow is saturday and sunday
comes after you know who she’s stealing she said
fifty tyson have you heard from
no oh you know who is this black guy oh i know at
first i thought it was like somebody
famous what the fuck is this
all of a sudden there’s some
black dude with a big
watch he must be the producers like yo yo i’m
gonna make this
video this is a formula
though but i
gotta get in you have
some fucking
horror can’t sing you run it through auto tune
and then you have the
black guy do the guest set
give it some sort of i
wouldn’t say
or i would say 13 year old little girl
but yes yo she’s got a peg
me to do this
her name is rebecca black
that’s the name of this and she’s
going to blow up now
and she’s the next
i got it guys
i got party and yeah
party party yeah
i wanted to keep
watching him because
i knew he was
gonna freak out
have you guys ever seen
mc 50 tyson
yeah we’ll turn it up a little bit more
we can friday friday
and then the black guy is
still there man he lends street cred
he gives her street cred
the thing is
the track isn’t that bad compared
to what are you talking about it’s the one of the worst
tracks in the history of the
music music underneath that shit kills birds
fucking you play that in
a moth sanctuary and butterflies will fall from the top
music that’s that’s
that’s just the shit that’s out there it’s
everybody like hates justin bieber
going what is happening
music it’s like that they’ve always had that guy
that guy’s always been there
kids in the block
kids in the block fucking
david cassidy yeah
you know was that kid who killed himself remember
brian frazier were you around for
brian frazier andy gibb shabb
dancing did he kill himself andy gibb
killed himself no he was fucking
od but there was somebody else the
something about you saying about being a teenager
do you remember brian frazier was he
around your time in boston
all right i hit you last
i wonder what happened to him
he’s a writer now he’s writing but he
went fucking nuts once
about bill hicks
over the years
there’s been a few guys that were big bill hicks
to centers like ari’s a big bill hicks to center ari
says yeah he says important things but
you know he’s not funny
ari just says he’s not
funny he doesn’t make me laugh
never made me laugh
and he like and the
death of bill hicks
is really pretty
funny on his facebook ari goes
now that it’s
bill hicks’s
death in his
honor and you know in seeking
truth as he did
i want you to
admit that he’s not funny
show me one
video where he was
funny and it’s fucking it’s brutal but
he’s got a point
i was a big bill hicks fan but he’s got a
point there’s a lot of that
stuff that’s just not funny
you know and
ari what was my
point well i
think i think what were we talking
about before this
friday friday
what was my fucking point
god damn it
we were talking about
i said she was
a whore you said she’s thirteen oh this is what it was
brian frazier
brian frazier that’s what it is
brian frazier was
going nuts he’s like
everybody says he’s fucking awesome
he goes he’s making fun of new kids on the
blocks making fun of
pop pop culture
he goes that’s what’s important pop
culture he started
going fucking crazy
and i’m like
yeah it is kind of a
silly thing to get all upset
about you know he’s doing like someone sucking
satan’s cock
like it was
tiffany tiffany was sucking
satan’s cock
and he’s like tiffany’s a little girl
she’s a little girl of course your song suck
you’re not supposed to fucking listen to him
he starts going
crazy and i’m like wow i’m like
he’s fucking
right he’s right i
agree with he’s
right but he’s wrong but
no this is what i’ll tell you this is why
sam kennison
is underrated
before he let fame consume him
and he did a special with fucking
girls on the ends of dog
leashes dude his
first specials
his first letterman yes
still holds up yes yes i
with you a hundred percent i
say it all the time to me
that is the test of how
people go talking
about comics now all
this guy’s this this guy’s that you’re not gonna know
until 15 20 years
later and then you go back and you listen to this
stuff does it hold up you know kennison and
86 was the best
comic that ever
lived that’s what i
think the kennison
that came out there was
never a guy like him
there was never a guy who was fucking
screaming how how
he had his own
thing in his
rage but you get in
front of people
see this face to this face
this is marriage
motherfucker
just screaming you know there’s nobody like
that what what
about but he had the ability
to to reel it in and then unleash it like
yeah like a who’s a preacher yeah like a lot of guys
who i’ve been guilty you ever been on
stage you just feel like
jesus i just
screamed for an
hour that was bullshit and i said fuck too many times
to him but him he had
he had the ability
you know when he would
bring it down
yeah when he did that bit
about like necrophilia
when he’s laying
he’s laying face down and he’s goes okay all
right so i’m
dead you know he’s all the way down there and then oh
oh what is that you know how i found out
about him one of the
greatest tags ever
it never ends it
never ends it’s one of the
greatest life
keeps fucking in the ass even
after you’re dead
it never ends but
he he suck but
all of that was in just the line it
never ends yeah
it’s just i
heard about
that bit because
i was working at the boston athletic club and
there was a girl who worked there and she just got home
from seeing the hbo
comedy special with sam kennison and she
reenacted that bit
in the fucking parking lot of the club in
south boston
she got in her stomach
and she goes
so i’m dead i’m
gonna be with
jesus oh oh
what is this
it feels like there’s a dick in my ass
you mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even
after you’re dead
it never ends
it never ends oh oh
and i was like that is the
funny i was 19 and i remember
thinking that is the funniest fucking
thing i’ve ever
heard in my life
and then i got a copy of it
this was the
first time i ever thought
i could get comedy
this is sort of throw off
bit that he did or it was just a cd
after you died
they did like this compilation he did like the
whole that whole bit on captain kangaroo
which would normally be like a hacky bit
but he got into the psyche of
of the guy playing captain kangaroo this was the
later cd right
yeah this was like one of his last ones yeah and he
was it’s one of the
things that he decided not to put out and then
he dies and then somebody else puts it out it’s one of
those things
that’s kinda not fair like
a lot of the
other material
wasn’t you know up to
snuff but he
never released it dirt when he was
alive so i don’t
i don’t criticize him for that but
the the captain kangaroo
bit dude where
he gets into the
psyche of the guy yeah
talking about and he somehow he
brings it all around
to he was an out of work actor so he took the gig
in the end of the bit he’s yelling at his wife
going we needed the cash
you know i didn’t know the kick was
gonna last 20 fucking
years and just
screaming about
his fucking haircut
and just the the horrific life
of this guy of being captain
yeah that’s what makes somebody
great the ability
anybody can be like
you know captain
kangaroo what’s up with this guy like he got
underneath the
whole thing
and just he turned the guy
you saw the actor that played him yeah
which i grew up watching
and here’s the most important
thing and this is
where i mean
again i’m a huge bill hicks fan i
think what he did was brilliant
and he changed the way i looked at a lot of
things and he opened my eyes up to a lot of
things that were fascinating and interesting
but not necessarily
funny and i
would scream and
cheer with it and i
would laugh
along with it because i agreed with it
but you would see
kinesin and he
would make a
point that would fucking have you
doubled over with laughing
and it’s totally different
like there’s a hicks bit that you can find online
about hicks talking about
he wants his
rock stars to have passion it’s another one of
these things you know he wants his rock stars to go on
stage and take good
night everybody and
shoot yourself in the head and do heroin
all these different
things and he’s
screaming and yelling i want him to have passion but
i’m looking at him like but
where’s the jokes
where’s the joke
whereas you
watch a kinesin sketch
especially the
86 kinesin like how
about the fucking thing
about sending
money to the home of the poor kids in africa
and he goes
he goes don’t send him
money send him a guy like me
some guy was
gonna go over there and go hey
we just drove
three thousand
miles with your food
and he’s realized
we wouldn’t have to do this if you’ll be able to live
where the food is
you live in a fucking desert come here come here
you see that see that
that’s sand
no it’s gonna be a hundred years now fucking sand
we got deserts in america too
we just don’t live in them asshole
i know that word
word fucking
genius he’s the best
he was yeah he
was the best
he’s the guy he’s the guy my
my mount rushmores
guy would be
prior kinnison
carlin yes i need like one
other guy hicks is in there for me
hicks is in
there for me but hicks is in there in a different way
he’s like a brilliant social satirist
you say martin
martin lawrence let me tell you something man
don’t discount martin lawrence
dude in the
90s what about steve
martin martin lawrence oh yes oh my
gosh for sure good point
steve martin is a
monster the
early steve martin
fucking i wish he
never stopped man he was so good let’s get small
that shit’s brilliant yeah
well especially martin morris
was because what everybody else
was doing at the time everyone was trying to do what i
think carlin was doing or what
prior was doing
and he just came out with a fucking
arrow between
him and was just being
silly because that’s the thing
too like i love
silly comedy yes
i love that
stupid shit me
too like not saying that his
stuff was stupid but i like that kind of
stuff i like
my stuff when it’s silly
my favorite
stuff is my
stuff that’s silly
i mean i like
angry stuff but i like doing
silly stuff sometimes
you don’t wanna be
the guy who
has to wear the
leather coat smoking the
cigarette going hey man you know
fucking corporations i mean
i have parts of my act
where i talk about like
conspiracy theory and that type of
thing and i’m not into that
but i’m always conscious like one of the words i avoid
when i do my act is the word we
whenever somebody uses that
it’s a fucking turn off to me and i feel like i’m being
preached at i mean
i learned that really
ugh i learned that that’s so
weird i think it’s your
knighting word
no i no it depends on how you do it but i just i saw a
comic a long time ago at the comic
strip and i just remembered he was
going he was
going on and on going like
you know but do we do this no
we want a country
where we can probably
in that form yeah like you don’t fucking
speak to me
yeah that’s
silly now say
say what you think
about it then i’ll listen to your opinion if i
agree with it i’ll
laugh or even if i don’t if it’s
funny i’m gonna
laugh but like
like i don’t like be i don’t like
preachiness i don’t like being
self aware i don’t like
fake shit yeah yeah that you’re being dangerous
or yeah or like pushing an
image or like you
know you’re going on
stage with an
image and you’re trying hard to push it
yeah i worked with this
chick laura
house once you know who she is
she’s a comic
funny girl from
i believe she’s from
texas and she
lived in san francisco and
when she met me
the first thing she said she took a deep breath
she goes i heard you’re really like
edgy and dark and i was so
worried you were
gonna show up wearing black
that’s hilarious
that’s hilarious yeah she goes i was so
worried you’re
gonna be one of
those guys with a
black shirt and
black jeans sitting in the
green room and
angst i have a bill hicks
shirt that says do you
think i’m wearing all
black in the summer because i’m a ray of sunshine
it’s like you know
like i’m wearing but i’m wearing
black i’m dangerous
it is sort of fucking
stupid it’s an outfit no different
than ones that someone wears at burger king or
at a fucking monastery
wearing a big
stupid orange robe
i will give it up to him
like his his
leno bit was
great like he had
great shit but
i shouldn’t say
some of his
stuff was funny you know
i laughed at it but ari
was making a very valid
point that there’s a lot of
fluff in his bits of just him talking
about ideas
there’s nothing
wrong with that i
think it’s interesting
i don’t need to
laugh every
minute to be
entertained yeah like
i said it’s like 20 years
later and then you’re also talking
about a guy
who went down a road
where you’re not
gonna get a sitcom you’re not
gonna leap to
movies so there’s you
gotta give the guy credit oh yeah
that he did that he had a lot of
artistic integrity but that’s also who he was
i mean it’s not like he was
gonna get one anyway dude you’re
gonna get tweets
where people
are gonna get mad at
me where people say kinesin
sucks so it’s one of
those deals
where it all comes down sure i
definitely like personal
taste for me
the guy during that period for me
but i have to be honest
one time i watched
i saw richard pryor’s
first specials
when i was but i hadn’t even done comedy yet
i just moved out of my parents house
and i was with my buddies and we
watched two
we had a vhr
player and a fucking
vhs rather in an
apartment shitty
apartment waltham
and we watched
sam kennison
and then right
afterwards we
watched richard pryor
i was like wow
prior is way better
prior the first
prior the first
prior special
is just fucking brilliant it was brilliant
it wasn’t that he was better
it’s just i’ve almost felt like god why was kennison
screaming so much
you know what i mean
like prior like
prior was so
smooth and so real on stage
where since
kennison was putting on a show
it was a brilliant fucking show
but the way he was talking to you was not the way you
would really talk to someone
you know oh
oh i live in hell
i was married for two fucking years whereas
prior would be talking to you the way he really felt
and you were
drawn into him as a human being well
this is how i look
there’s certain
there’s a very few guys but certain guys
who just take it so far you can’t be surpassed
i would say him
james brown all
funk music that has
come known as ever done it better than that guy
you never you
can’t you can’t
there’s very few guys as a handful of artists that
they’re just you can’t pass that have you ever seen the
james brown live in zaire clip
you wanna shit
we played this on here once with joey diaz
find that brian
pull that shit up on your ipad
james brown live in zai
yeah i’ve seen that that’s it is
what yeah one of the
greatest performances
that human race has ever
seen and this
is the thing that was just one night
yeah yeah just one night
it was like 50
and he kept banging that out all over the country
he would throw that mic
stand off his
shoulder and kick it and
he just fucking it
never missed a beat never
slipped he had
leather fucking
slippery bottom
shoes on spinning around i also liked
as far as like
you know when you work with a comedian and
after like two shows you realize oh this guy
is gonna do the
exact same jokes in the
exact same order
that whole shit with a band
he just starts if he decides he’s just
gonna talk they just
start playing on like a loop
like that’s what i like when i when i i
watch like bands like you can tell when they’re
when they’re improving
is because they don’t look at the
crowd they’re fucking looking at the
same just waiting for some sort of cue like what is he
doing like steve when i used to
watch stevie ray
vaughan yeah like
like some of the live shit that he did
i was knows
tommy shana chris
late in the drum and the
baseball in the drum of
they would always be kind of looking at me and
once you got educated to
watching him enough you
would see the nods
where like sometimes
they would be looking thinking
oh here he comes he’s coming out of it nah nah
he’s going back into more soloing
and then he’d be on his way out and he just
would just sort of glance over at him
and then seamlessly that such shit
just blows me away when
people were able to do that well he’s just practicing
together all the time like that i
guess you just get tuned in
i don’t know i just i’m not a
musician so i don’t
understand it you play drums right
yeah and that’s the kind of
thing but i’m like the same way i watch
sports like
i’m a geek like i wish i played the nfl but you
know i wish
you played drums i wish no i can play drums
i’m decent for a comedian but like
like how good
those guys are
man sure like i went to a fallon tape and i was
watching the
roots i actually got to see them play during
the break dude they’re fucking
ridiculous amazing
they’re ridiculous amazing
they don’t even have to look at each
other that’s what blows me away they just sorta
kj and i glanced at them
let’s do this for a
while yeah well
they probably
think you’re doing that when you go on
stage and you’re
free balling sometimes talking to somebody in the
crowd and all of a
sudden it becomes a bit
and how many times you’ve done that
someone will say something in the crowd
and you go look at this fucking guy he
thinks all of a
sudden he’s at a carnival
hey i’ll have some popcorn please
you know and then you turn it into a fucking bit
how many times have you done that
yeah but talk to people that say
after you get off
stage like is that guy a plant
he goes nah
i was just fucking around with that guy
you made all that up on the spot i know but the thing
about it is
you’re locked into you
right you gotta fucking
worry about
the guy and the bongos and the dude over here like is
this guy paying attention when i go to do this did he
did he see what he just did
like gave the
little nod like i don’t get how it works but like
maybe it’s cause i can’t do it that i’m so
blown away by it but no you good
point i can’t do it either i don’t even i
wouldn’t even know
where to start
i think it’s the same
thing though i
think when you tune into comedy
i guess it’s
gotta be harder because you
gotta have a
bunch of people that are
tuned into make it’s
gotta be all
about everyone making the song better
it can’t be all
about like okay here’s
it’s time for
tommy’s fucking drum solo he needs a drum solo
every song or he gets pissed off
and this guy
gets to go off and then it becomes like
self indulgent
but when it’s
tuned in and it’s
just to make the song better and they do it together
you know i guess that’s what you like
jazz is supposed to be all
about right everybody like
does it together to make
the song better that’s just me
once i got out of that bam
i can’t listen when it
sounds like five guys playing five different songs and
i just read
on my message word
about this cause i said that i hate jazz
and i don’t really hate jazz i just don’t like it
i shouldn’t say
i hate it because i do listen to it sometimes in the
background it’s true
have you ever listened
to that yeah i’ve listened to a lot of different shit
look i don’t but i
wouldn’t choose it over fucking the almond brothers
but you’d choose it over
maybe if it’s
just fucking
leonard skinner
sweet home alabama
music is the only
thing i cannot fucking listen to
other than if it’s
early on oh
man dwight yokom
i can listen to dwight yokom that guy’s a bad
motherfucker and i even like some
stupid shit i like some kobe
t’s i like some i
should have been a cowboy
i like that
stuff i know it’s
stupid i like
stupid shit
i don’t mind i like a lot of
stupid shit it
doesn’t bother
me that it’s stupid
i enjoy some of that
but tough is corny to me yeah me too
i just i get like douche
chicks when i listen
but i have a problem with people that don’t like sam
nelson or something i
shouldn’t do
this i shouldn’t
judge people
but when some people don’t like certain things i
think badly of them
like this girl the
other day said that she
didn’t like
no cause i don’t like
those are fine things
but this girl
said she didn’t like stevie ray
vaughan she’s like
i can’t listen to that
i go what are you talking about
she goes i can’t listen to that it’s guitar
stuff it’s terrible
and i don’t know her very well so i just walked
somebody works for the
ufc i just walked away
i’m like okay
but all i think was that
she’s broken you don’t
like couldn’t
stand the weather do do do do do
see that shit’s cheesy to me now
just because i’ve
heard it so many times
please man you smoke a joint
and listen to stevie ray vaughan live
listen to that shit
stevie ray vaughan and double trouble live
i wouldn’t choose dude he has a fucking live version of
voodoo child that will knock your dick into the dirt
he has the only version of voodoo
child that’s right up there with hendrix
yeah but find that
find another guy though when you
when you talk
about a guy
just took it to the end and he can’t be passed yes
i would say him yes
stevie is as
close as you can
to that but he was
definitely a major
major disciple
yes of hendrix
just to put
that out there
because everyone’s
gonna be writing and
going like actually he
stole a lot from hendrix
well yeah he
certainly did but he also was a huge hendrix
fan and like broadcast it that was the
thing yeah i mean
it was all an
homage to hendrix he
never pretended you know what
great video
for you fans to
watch is to
watch steve
ray vaughan
playing tightrope
live austin
city limits yeah
it’s just out there it’s fucking
ridiculous he was a
tremendous motherfucker dude
he was a tremendous
motherfucker
you know i almost got a
chance to drive him
i drove jeff beck around once
when i was driving limos
and jeff beck and
steve ray vaughan were on tour together and i was
gonna get to
drive steve ray
vaughan i was all
psyched about it
but steve ray
vaughan was such a bad
motherfucker he
wouldn’t take limos took a cab
everywhere he goes
the band would all get in
their limos and
their vans and he
would just get in a cab by himself and
smoke cigarettes
listen to how good this is
crank this shit up jeff beck is unreal
it’s a slightly different version
i mean it’s not what jimi hendrix did it’s different
see he’s got like a little
twang going you know what’s
funny is in the middle
he does a solo
on one of them and he actually is playing
the harmony of a hendrix song when he played with
bandit gypsies
crank this shit up brian
he’s the only guy that comes close to hendrix
with this song
yeah no overall
hendrix stomps him oh yeah he came up with yeah
he’s the man i mean he’s a complete original
but they’re both heroin addicts
that ain’t a coincidence no
he kicked it i think he’s coke he was heroin too buddy
heroin makes you feel that groove
i don’t know what it is but
those singers love that heroin
musicians love that heroin
there’s a great one
even when he
saved it you ever see when he got booed
no he got booed
steve ravon i hope they’re all in hell now no
bring this down this is great
why they why
did the performance gives me
chills too this what happened he went over to the
still not as good as hendrix
the pretty goddamn good but not as good yeah
the the monterey jazz festival he played at
so they pursued him for some
stupid reason they book them
at a jazz festival
and he plays blues he plays loud i mean
other than like
stank swang i mean it’s not a lot of jazzy shit
so everybody had been playing acoustic
up to that point
i think it was in france i don’t know what it was
somewhere over in europe so he goes out there unknown
and he went out there and
starts playing his
stuff and it took
about two three songs in and they
started booing him
and you could see it was affecting him
but when they would
start playing the song dude he
total commitment
it gets me chills
every time i
watch it it’s on one of his dvds they finally showed it
and but that was the time when
david bowie
was in the crowd and
david bowie’s
watching him
going this guy’s a beast
that’s how he
ended up playing the solo on
that song let’s dance
while he was bombing that’s funny
you can bomb
way better as a
musician though than you can as a comic
as a musician all you have to do is just do the song
as a comic this was pretty brutal
cause he was playing by the time he got to the
third song or something like you can audib
you can audibly hear booze
yeah but the thing is
it’s as much as it’s bugging him he still
fucking is just ripping
on the it’s unbelievable and he and he gets off
stage i remember reading the
thing where he said i’m a
total see ray
vaughan head he got off
stage and he’s like
jesus i didn’t
think we were that bad
and then of course he got with
david bowie
but we wanted him to go on tour and do like these
dance steps and he
wouldn’t fucking do it
and he’s just like i’m not doing it’s like
a comedian not selling out and he went back to texas
i’m gonna go back with my trio we’re
gonna try to make it
that way so he got huge credibility that way and then
then he blew up and then a couple years
later he went back to
the monterey
jazz festival of course they were giving him
but we wanted
him to do dance steps
yeah it was probably step one to sucking his cock
that’s probably what it was
he was like
texas two steps on
my fucking volunteer
we’re gonna have a
choreographer we’re
gonna work together and
before our performance let’s just let’s take a shower
they wanted
him yeah he was
gonna be on the let’s dance tour
you know we had that
whole pop you know put on your red
shoes that whole pop and
he wanted it
there was some sort of
thing he was coming down the
stairs and he had to do like some little
dance step with everybody else and stevie would just
yeah i’m not doing it
we just walked down and then finally he was just like
i can’t do this shit this is just yeah
replace me steve
so he left this huge
fucking tour with
david bowie wow
and i heard
he also used to get mad look at all his gossip i know
used to get mad that
the david bowie video
for let’s dance
is david boy with a pair of gloves on
starts playing the solo that stevie played
i heard stevie saw the
video it was like nah he shouldn’t be out there fucking
pretending like he played some shit he didn’t play
wow yeah like all
stuff like that wow now this is all shit that just
like i poured
through the internet just reading all the that makes
sense it’s like
comics that you know i mean how many
comics do you know that look down upon
comics that hired joke writers
you know we know a lot of guys there’s a lot of guys
especially when they hit a certain
level they really
become like
almost like a figurehead
they almost become like a character
and then they have guys
right for them it looks old
school guys especially
well they have a lot of writers you know
you know i mean i
know a guy who has like five fucking writers and he’s a
you know national headliner and he has all
these guys who
come up with his own jokes for him because he’s too
busy with movies and all sorts of
shit that would
be really nice but that is no it’s not
no that isn’t the way to do it this is
an idea tank at
least that’s not the way to do it but like
as far as a business model
so your act
never slips down like
right i look at that with envy but it does
slip i look at it with envy because i go i
could never fucking do that
now watch like five
years now here’s
the problem here’s the problem
louis ck does it
absolutely the best
cause he does a new hour
every year and he does his own hour
it’s all his writing
when you hire somebody else man
you might agree that something’s funny
you might agree that
this idea is
funny and you
might use it as a tool you say well i’m
gonna go on
stage i’m gonna plug this
thing in and
press this button it’s
gonna get a big
laugh it’s gonna work
but it’s not
gonna be your
thoughts being projected that’s why i can’t
get past it i can’t get past
it how can i
stand and if it kills
and you be like you want to be like oh yeah keep it
going for frank
frank wrote that one you know no disrespect to the
comics that we know that
do use writers
that do use writers but they do not have the same
impact on me as guys like norton or guys like louie
or guys who i know
write their own shit
the guys so i know that this is
their thoughts like norton
especially i got norton’s new cd sent me despicable
it’s awesome fucking hilarious it’s very fun norton’s
oh by the way
norton is doing
my podcast tonight we’re doing it live at the smod
castle by the
time you hear this if you’re on itunes it’s tuesday
the 23rd and the
22nd do you
stream yeah
so it’s probably not
gonna be on you stream
and if you’re listening on itunes it already happened
but it’s tonight we’re gonna do
at nine o’clock at the smog
house we’re
gonna try these out we’re
gonna start doing live ones
in front of an audience
i think it’d be fun
50 people we put
the tickets online and sold out in two hours
so did these
they already have mics and
everything yeah they have it all set up and
he has it completely
wired for a podcast
and then you just put it in an
sd card and he records
it and gives it to you and you can upload it that
night nice but anyway i did
tom greens down there was
great yeah i did his too
and norton is doing my
thing tonight
so i’ve been listening to a cd
over the last
night on the
way to the gym it’s fucking hilarious it’s so
twisted and
crazy he’s so
funny man i
saw him when i was in austin i was there for the
to ufc and i had the friday
night off so a
buddy of mine who lives in austin
where i said hey you know jim lawrence
let’s go see him
fucking killed it he was so funny dude
he made me want to go home and
write and he made me do
shorter sets
did like 50 minutes
and i’ve been doing this
thing lately
where i did
like i was doing like an hour and a half sometimes two
hours and i
do like a big question and answer at the end
but i always felt like
in a lot of ways it kind
of like took away from the energy of like just one big
powerful performance big
time i am a huge believer that you
don’t go beyond an hour i’ve done that and it’s like
you know you
do an hour that’s perfect they get it you’re
funny they walk out they got that excitement
yeah because i
pour myself out selling dvds
afterwards if i do an hour and 10 an hour and 15
they come out like yeah they’re like
especially if you don’t
close strong yeah no even if you do though
even if you do it’s just they’re fucking exhausted yeah
and it’s just like 50 to an hour
is you’ve given them their
money’s worth and
the classic
show business you left them wanting more
but you go beyond that
dude i saw a guy one time he did two hours okay
right in an hour
i looked at my watch
i just instinctively
i was like how much has he done oh
write it out look at me
this is my first kind of
okay i get it
i get it yeah this is your take on the
world i get it
out 15 hour and 20 dude hour and 25 my fucking ass is
starting to fall asleep i
agree and by
hour and 35
i came up with a strategy
for me and my girl to
leave because it was like was in a theater
and it was really
gonna be noticeable if we got up and left so
i ended up being
the bad guy she got up made it look like she was
going to the bathroom
and then i just
grabbed both our cooks i was
excuse me excuse me i saw people like oh my god
he was walking out it really
it really is
just too much to sit there and listen to well
that depends though depends though
cause i’ve seen some guys
i’ve seen some hour and a half sets
where i was fucking real
happy that the show didn’t end
like i saw chappelle
do an hour and a half at the comedy
store and i
enjoyed the fuck out of it i
enjoyed the
whole hour and a half
but then again i’m a
stand up comic i’m
a sewer of comedy
i had the night off i don’t fucking have to get up at
seven in the morning i don’t have
at the time i didn’t have
a normal job that i had to go to and work all day
so it’s like when
especially friday
night late show dude the show’s fucking 10
o’clock these people been up
since seven
you know that’s a long ass time they’re tired
as shit you’re burning the crowd
out and they’re drunk
you know and they’re
trying i think
it actually it decreases
them wanting to come and see you again
i definitely like if you go out there just
fucking just
blasted the
face that’s
it that’s boston
style too yeah
boston style is
short and nobody
in boston ever did a fucking two hour set
they would look at you what are you
fucking retarded
he would even do
forty remember
those fucking
next comedy
stop sets where the fucking headliner
would do twenty minutes
everybody would do twenty
there be five guys doing
twenty minutes
and they would
do the same
twenty minutes for a hundred years and it
would be honed
to a samurai
sword sharpness yeah
don gavin his timing
he could talk
about anything and it
would be brilliant because he had talked
about it so long
he knew the
exact right beats and how to pause
not see all
those guys don
gavin made me
think that i shouldn’t have been in comedy
made me think how
could i ever be as good as this guy i was an open micro
watching him
fucking destroy one
night it was stitches
comedy club okay
and it was the new stitches
which wasn’t
as good as the old stitches it was nice because it
was bigger and it had a restaurant attached to it but
there was like carpet on the floor
the ceiling was a little too high didn’t absorb
it didn’t bounce back to
laughter like the old stitches
the old stitches were dark anyway
the fucking shows long dude it was like an open mic
night and you know
fifteen twenty
unfunny wannabe
assholes over and over
again go up and i was one of them
and then at the end
kevin flynn
i was part of
the yeah i was part of the problem for sure and i was
thinking wow this audience is exhausted at the end
kevin flynn
brings up don
gavin and he fucking
crushes he crushed to the
point where me and
chris mcguire
and a couple
other guys were sitting in the back room
hands in our face like the fucking home
alone kid going we
should just quit comedy yeah
we can’t do this
and we’ll never be able to do this i’m
never gonna be that good we got
we need to stop
right now no that
was a great
thing i think
about that shit like
thank god i
started there
fuck there was a few
places like san francisco boston
in new york city
was a great
place back in the day i don’t know it’s like now but
they are not the same
unfortunately the last stop’s gone and now
they do it on
sundays they call it the
comics union i think
but the old last stop the old one in
river oaks was the shit
you know that was
the place where you know i mean
kennison started out back then
you know they used to have it was the comedy annex i
think they called it
yeah by the time i got out there that
place was already gone
unfortunately man
i recorded my
first cd there
yeah and hicks did his
first special sandman
yeah the same club
see that thing
on the wall that’s from 99 that’s what i recorded my
that was my warner brother cd
i’m gonna be dead someday and i did that in houston
that was when i was on newsradio and
there was only one
place in the country
where i would sell out
every show and that was houston
i’d sell out way in advance
like i would sell out the
whole weekend by friday no one does
no i didn’t do that anywhere else
you know and there’s nowhere else but the
maybe i didn’t
maybe i sold out
one night in advance
the point is
there was no
place where
they would stuff in
extra people and violate the fire code
when i recorded my cd there
they stuffed in 50 60 people
over the fire code i mean there was people there was
chairs in the
aisles and shit it was ridiculous
but it was because that was the
style of comedy that they
loved like hicks and kinesin and they were both dead
by that time
like they had
like houston had developed
his taste too
did one of those
guys live yes both of them i saw both of them live
i saw kennison live only as an audience member
but i saw hicks live when i was already a
comic i saw him
live at least
three times
one time i left
the room because it wasn’t doing so well
it was just like the audience
had no idea who he was
and he was just on
stage talking
about debbie gibson
and jimi hendrix and
just fucking people
weren’t buying it
there’s a couple times
where i saw him
where he absolutely destroyed though
one time at the old comedy
connection man
where he was just on his fucking game man
he just destroyed
just just came in
their guns blazed
all this shit
about jim fix
dying while jogging
and all that shit you know because
jim fix was the
jogging guy
yes and the eel brenner bit
you know he had yule brenner
yil brenner
you know jim fix
would get up and do we
track at dawn jogging and yule brenner
would be coming home and his
head out of the limousine two
chicks blowing them smoking a cigarette
and they’re both dead
and he’s like
you know he’s dead and i’m dead shit
i was fucking up at dawn doing yeah
i mean it was really
the only guy i saw from back then i saw dice clay
at the height
of i saw him at the worcester centrum
i sat of the
second to last row in the
upper deck eddie griffin
unknown eddie griffin opened up
and we were all
like booing to go
bring out the phone
look at dice
man and i was doing that
i was doing that dumb audience you know how
old we is dice is
gonna like us
cause we’re
treating his opener like shit
and eddie griffin was hilarious he’s like fuck all you
motherfuckers and then he actually got the
crowd he turned him around and
everything but
how old was i at the time 20 yeah
i saw kennison when i was 19 when i was working for
great woods i was working for
great woods performance arts center
like you know wait a
minute yeah i saw
eddie murphy on the raw tour out did you yeah
i didn’t see
eddie murphy out there but i saw bill cosby
i saw roddy dangerfield
out there i saw
dangerfield out there too dangerfield was
naked with a robe on
he would go with a bathrobe on and
slippers and that’s how you do comedy
fucking naked his balls hanging out
he’d go backstage
his balls were hanging out he didn’t give a fuck
he liked to do comedy
naked with a robe on
and destroyed by the way one of the most underrated
comics of all time oh yeah
fucking destroy when i saw me at the
classic getup with the red tie
is here something you said before that i wanted to
go back to because
we both agree with this
about this and i’ve talked
about this before is that hicks
or not in a hicks rather
kinesin was
genius in the beginning but then terrible at the end
he’s my perfect example
of a guy that got famous
and he got huge and then he bought into his own hype
and then he became a character and he stopped writing
and he was doing
well i don’t
think i’ve ever seen a guy handle it
worse yeah me too
if you just
watch the difference between his
first and second lettermen
his first letterman like you know
they say that like you
know they give that intro like
jesus we don’t
this next guy
this next guy is
gonna be different
we know there’s that era of like something
crazy could fucking happen and usually it’s just hype
will this guy’s
crazy but it’s
it’s his act is he’s crazy
but it’s like kennison it was real
and he came out dude i mean he
just fucking came out he was walking up into the crowd
and it wasn’t cheesy it
was just it was
it was amazing and then
by his second one he comes in he just comes yeah
do you know that his
personality
was that game paul what’s
going on and he just was just like too relaxed
two in yeah he was just like
i made it not hungry he just
said i made it yeah well
he’s a fat guy
you know at the end of the day he’s lazy
i mean that’s really
true i mean fat people are fucking lazy
you know his
personality and his book his brother
built his brother
his brother’s name forget his name i met him
unfortunately i forgot
his name whatever his name
is i’m sorry
whoever you are sir taco
his brother who
wrote the book
wrote that he was
a normal kid and then he got hit by a fucking truck
he got hit by a car
and when he got hit by a car he got fucked up
and he came out of that
head injury
a completely different person
and then it became like reckless and fearless
and a fucking wild person like
the accident
literally made him sam kennisson
because you think
about him like
who the fuck
thinks like that
who has that kind of boldness to go on
stage and scream and yell
about things
you know and did
you ever see when he was preaching
you ever see the
videos of him preaching yeah
he’s breaking a man he’s
great holy shit
i mean it was so
there’s like a rhythm
to someone preaching
when they believe
and the lord touches me
you like fuck i mean know
what i know what i’m saying is
none of the applause break yeah
nobody knows how to
build they fucking
well that’s why he was such a good
comic because he
would add those principles he
would draw it out like
ladies and gentlemen i know
the devil’s in this room
and they would
oh yeah and he
would bring him down yeah yeah yeah the devil
would like you to believe
that there’s something
wrong with the lord
you know and he
starts walking back and forth and then it
builds up to this
but i’m here to tell you
jesus is alive
jesus is with you
he’s with and then everybody’s fucking screaming
and i don’t buy anything in it yet
shit but i love
watching preachers i watched a guy you know he’s just
clearly a bigoted psychopath
but he was fucking a phenomenal performer
you know that guy he
would bring up people who like
you know who
were living like probably the life that we’re living
and he had this
way of saying what they were doing and then he
would just sort of look to the side and
shake and he’d
laugh every time i got
now he would read a
quote what somebody said
like you know this guy says premarital sex
it’s not a bad
thing it doesn’t do anything for your soul it
doesn’t do anything bad to your soul right
and then he just had this look it was like carson
watching carson when he
would look over at the band he just had this
thing where he
would just sort of look down
and the crowd was just like
oh here he comes
he’s gonna take the piss out of this guy
it’s like watching your favorite wrestling
here he goes here he goes and the guy
builds it all the way up and i
would just you know
and it was one of
those things
where i would actually
start getting into it like hey
maybe this guy’s got a point
and then they
would just say something horrific
about gay people
or just something that just you just realize
how does an
adult think something like
that meanwhile he probably couldn’t wait to get off
stage and fuck some kid
go to thailand
bang some kids i mean yeah
you know dude i got in this huge
thing with this fucking guy on the
internet like it’s the last time i’m getting with like
i fucking like
dude i’m putting 10 deep
on emails 10
emails deep
damn about what
about how i said why i stopped
going to catholic church
and this guy was
upset at that
yeah and he bothered to
argue with that he was
cause i’m an
idiot i come from a
you know i can’t i take the fucking
bitch just that one
um because no
because there’s there’s a sense of
i don’t know what the fuck it is what the word is that
super religious people have
that you know you just
wanna boners
know you just want to expose like
their bullshit right
all right so i just said listen you know i stopped
going because i was
going to church and
every time the
basket came around and i was putting the
money in i felt like i was given
money for a fucking defense attorney
to defend these guys who
look the other way
during pedophilia
right or whatever so his his big
issue was saying that
i couldn’t say
that they were kid fuckers because
most of the people who got
uh violated were teens
and i was like oh
great see you
great on a fucking
scale so he
directs me to this wikipedia
page it was over ten thousand fucking incidents
that they’re talking
about it this
is just the ones that were reported forget
about the kids who killed themselves or
didn’t come forward because they were too embarrassed
they 10 000 instances
22 of them were
10 10 years of
age and under
so i go let’s just
round it off to ten
grand that’s
twenty two hundred cases
of diddling a kid how many kids do you gotta fuck
before you get
labeled as a kid fucker because the other ones
and and he was trying to spin it that
i was actually helping pedophiles because i wasn’t
going to church
and the church did all
these things
and people back
in the day were confused they thought it was a you got
trolled they
thought it was like a
spiritual exactly
that was me i was
crying you got
trolled by a fourteen year old pretending to be no no
no no no no
no no cause it happened impossible
impossible you can’t
trick me i know a real religion no
because no cause there’s this
certain things
that he was
going through
cause i was sitting at some
point goes this guy just trying to piss me off
but dude he
got all the way into the fucking i’m a correctional
officer my grandfather was a correctional officer
and i work with these
pieces of shit i mean if i did it was the
greatest one ever
there should be a
website i trolled bill bird
yeah everyone’s in their
troll seems easy
it seems easy it seems like i want to try it
i know me too
i’m thinking
about getting a fake
email account
with you i fuck with you
every day i’m
gonna bring up you
know what i don’t like
about this angle
is you’re acting like this people who go to
those churches who aren’t that fucking
stupid with
there is but there’s a lot more people that
would like to fuck with you now that they
know how easy it is
look my message board
right now they’re
sharpening up your
dicks right now it’s like
break your ass
no but it’s over
no no no no
you say it’s not they’re
gonna get nice and
subtle with you
they’re gonna
start off nice and slow they’re
gonna say something to you about some
pictures that’s online of you a girl you’re dating yeah
just don’t send any
photos of you and your dick
yeah at the same time that your face and they’re
gonna know some shit
about you that’s personal some inside shit and they’re
gonna exploit it you’re
fucked no no
no you got an
issue bro you’re you’re in trouble
i’m not you’re easy to
troll i’m not
and screen capturing they
exist i want
you to you were
thinking about coming to
jiu jitsu i talked to you
about it for a
while you were
thinking about doing it
just even if you don’t want to do that
get a goddamn
punching bag
it’ll make a better bill burr
just get a bag and some
gloves it’s so easy that’s nice and
cute and shit
but i’m at the
white cocker
you get off telling me that i need
to not take the bait you are
way worse at this than me
i’m telling you
no no this is what happened you
basically just said
that i got trolled and now you’re presenting it as fact
having not read any
emails obviously
you’re arguing
court you argue with me
now you trying to
bait your fucking listener
troll you and
you sending me fucking
emails it’s
ridiculous this easy
this is how easy it is to get you
upset you were
trolled right now
i can tell you
right now i
could get you
i could get you
if i didn’t tell you what my feelings
about weed were
i could i had you
standing up with a fucking vein even high
i could make you
freak out if i pushed your buttons i
would start
laughing at you i
would say it’s
ridiculous that’s
right i forgot
this is the new spa joe rogan
to stop yourself you
can’t trick
me with that one of the
great things
about being
a psycho is you can spot another one across the room
for you to sit here but i manage my psychosis
better than you that’s all it is buddy
i’m not saying that i have it on the
line bubbling
brook in the back i get
it i’m not saying i got an underline
i’m saying i’ve got it
i’ll go with
that you’re a little out of hand you’re
going back and forth with
a guy who believes that the church protects pedophiles
yeah i like to debate
i go back and forth with fucking jets fans
i hate the oh you’re
crazy i go back and forth on them
did you hear
about this fucking guy you know i’m only kidding right
what about all i mean i don’t really
think you’re a loser i don’t think that now you never
said you really i mean i don’t think that you’re gonna
i know this is
i want people to know that this is all
in fun i want people to know that this is all in fun
why would you do
that just because
people rate moment on the part
because people don’t
understand like people go whoa fucking
these idiots on my message
board will go joe rogan and bill burke got issues
i thought but they really got into it all year
bill versus joe
comics fuck
around like this all the time this is what we do
and especially people that you know
especially if you live on the west
coast you never really
understand that sort of
sense of humor
that’s why people didn’t
understand the gilbert
gottfried thing
to me it was like you know when he
started tweeting
about japan i’m like
so east coast
comic would do i mean you know you got it you
go for the jugular
thing yeah i didn’t
first of all
how many people
knew but high people
even knew he did the
voice of the duck
you know yeah yeah
who fucking
that’s just like that
classics apparently it’s a lot of
japanese people that were in
this insurance
company it’s one of the reasons why i was busy
i always knew
did you hear
about this high profile
vegas drug prosecutor
this guy he busted
bruno mars he busted
paris hilton
on all the cocaine charges
he got arrested for buying crack
do you believe
that shame you must
know who you hang out with but i was thinking
about this when we were talking about you know
pedophiles and you know
all these fucking
crazy people that don’t want to believe it’s like
how many people that
go against something really
want to do it
i mean how many fucking people like that
how many people
that are against gay like the ted haggards of the world
that are against gay marriage
against gay this against that
would say something like that yeah
yeah i remember that guy that got busted in new york
really recently he was a
a judge or something
like that he got busted in some sort of an
influence scandal
and it turns out that he was voting
against gay
marriage and he was fucking gay
you know the
guy’s gay and he was living with a guy and he’s
making all these votes
against gay
rights yeah
which goes back to religion if
they just let people live and be who the fuck they were
yeah you wouldn’t have people
doing shit like that but as far as like the drugs
i think a lot of people
going after drugs that they
seriously are like
against them but i think
you know the
thing you gotta
watch out who you hang
out with because you end up doing what they’re doing
i think eventually
you just try it you think
you’re in the evidence room
wow really you feel try
crack you’re feeling a little
sleepy you could leave me
alone with buckets of
crack in my
house and i’m not
gonna smoke it
yeah but you just
leave it all over the
place i’m never
gonna touch the
crack i do it
this is what i would do
i leave you with booze
first get you when you like eleven you know
and we move the weed
is a develop
a human which is like a gateway drug
right you go to the weed
and and mushroom
then it all depends on what you wanna feel
like for you i see why the way your
makeup you wanna feel
less smell like it
joe rogan on coke
you’d start you’d be like godzilla you’d
start stepping on fucking skyscrapers downtown so
it would be hard to get you to go the
crack root but like hallucinogens and that type of
thing will be
well my buddy
jimmy when i was in high
school my buddy
jimmy used to do coke and
he told me whatever you do don’t do it you’d like it
don’t do it
yeah that’s why i
do it well that’s why i
never really fucked around
tweet cause
i knew when i finally did it i loved it
i definitely
loved it and
i get a lot of shit in my podcast
cause people
think i’m anti weed
cause they’re fucking mor i got a million
tweets about this yeah
no i’m not anti weed
i’m just saying stop acting like it’s not addicting
like this that it’s just it’s just
like can be
well no it’s not just like alcohol
but it can be addictive psychologically
physically though physiologically it’s not physically
okay whatever
psychological
whatever you
want to call it but like
those wake and bake guys yeah
those guy i got a
buddy of mine who
smokes weed because i said why do you
why do you like
dude anna seriously fucking with his life
and he keeps
going dude weed is not the
issue i go why
first of all why do you do it he goes
i like weed
cause it turns
my life into a movie
alright and
it’s like this dude like i don’t know i don’t
wanna fucking ran him out or nothing like that but
he’s lost a job
cause he flunked a fucking drug test
that’s a shitty
job whatever
job that was that
job sucked okay any job that you can do that’s boring
as fuck you can do on weed and it becomes interesting
you know no
no i’m not saying
that it’s a bedroom i’m saying but this guy he
gets fucking high
because he’s
keeping life yeah he’s
using it the way an
alky uses alcohol works just like i got all this pain
i don’t know
how to process it i don’t want to deal with it
let me just let me just get fucked up
that’s how he does it and dude i’m telling
and the thing
about it the
thing about it is to with weed
is i can’t go to work drunk
you know what i mean but
you can be high you can go to work
fucking high and as long as you can handle your shit
people aren’t
gonna fucking notice
i like i just there’s a bunch of
emails i got i got a guy go you know yeah i handle with
great just every night i
smoke a little fucking bowl
and then i go to bed
and it’s just like what if i you know
drank a beer and a half two beers so i got buzzed
every fucking
night people
would be looking at me like dude i
think i think you have like a
drinking problem that you have to get he’s like
sedating himself so he’s
using it as like a fucking sleep aid
i’m not saying
and i but i don’t have any problem with me i
think it makes you feel great
and that type
of shit it’s just like anything as long in moderation
but people who sit there
it annoys me that on intervention they’ve
never had just some pothead
who’s been fucking high
since he’s 16
and he’s still
watching like fucking the
hanna barbera hour
and you know
cause it doesn’t
compare to the
meth guys pulling his face off with his fingernails
know that seems a lot worse
that’s the no
no that’s definitely
worse but that’s that’s what
then if you know meth heads they’re the fucking
worst does that mean you shouldn’t go after the
there’s also a
difference between
not being in your normal
state you’re
escaping your normal
self so even if you’re wheat
stoned all day you’re
escaping your sober
self your core
self which is always a problem in some ways
you know what i mean
does people go i
drive better when
i’m high yeah
i know exactly what he’s talking
about there’s
so many people that we know that just wake
up from the beginning they wake up they have to get
stoned to go to bed
and they’re
never their sober
self because
they’re hiding something
that’s all i’m talking
about i’m not
i agree a hundred percent i
think with the
vaporizer it’s probably a thousand times
more healthier than
drinking a fucking six pack you know what
they all have in common
they’re all fucking hilarious yeah
that’s the problem absolutely
listen when i was on fear factor i totally self
medicated i used to get high before every show
after the first
season i got high before
every fucking show
i was so bored
doing that show
i mean sometimes it was cool don’t get me
wrong i’m very
happy i had
the job it was a fucking wonderful opportunity
great people to work with
you know the producers and everyone was
the fucking the crew
fantastic it was just a wonderful job
but i would rather be doing other shit
you know yeah i wanted the
money and i wanted to do it and i was
gonna quit but man
you know at certain
points in time i mean how
many fucking animal dicks can you feed people before
you like what the fuck am i doing with my life
you know how many times can you hang somebody by a
crane and go ready
three two one go
right you know how many
think about you it’s like
you smoking weed
doesn’t affect you
from prevent you
from fucking coming up with the new hour of material
doesn’t prevent you it
doesn’t it helps you’re
okay yeah and you’re not
slacking off and
slacking off and
sucking up your
motivation all right
so yeah i’m not saying
like people just thought i was just straight across the
board saying it was bad i wasn’t saying that
i was just saying like i just got sick of people going
yeah it’s not addicting
i drive better when i’m high and like there was no
repercussions
yeah like there’s repercussions to fucking
everything you know
especially if you’re smoking that fucking
og kush that a lot of dudes like to
smoke that that indica
there’s two different types of weed
sativa and indica
and the sativas
are like more heady like
you want to go
watch a documentary on space
and the indicas
you just want to
watch cartoons and eat cereal and sleep
they’re two
really different
effects and most of the country only gets that weed
most of the country gets the
sleepy weed
they get the couch
weed you know what i
found lately that
sleepy weed’s the best weed to have sex on that’s like
ecstasy on weed
yeah that kind of makes sense yeah
well you know
what though the regular weed’s pretty awesome too
yeah you know what’s the best for sex eating weed
when you eat weed you get that body buzz
you get that because
it really affects you in
a different way because it’s a different chemical when
it’s processed by your liver and
that’s the best for sex
like everything
feels better i
watched the
oscars and it was like the best
oscars i had
was i heard
that there was some bad monologue or something i didn’t
i don’t watch any of that nonsense i
think people awards
are ridiculous was the moment
james franco you
could just see tapped i was just like i fuck this
yeah i came out
in a dress and you’re not
gonna laugh at me go fuck yourself
and just had this look on his face i’m
gonna keep working who gives a fuck it was great
he starts taking his
phone out and starts
checking it
was like a comedian
when you just look at a
crowd and he’s like
these people are fucking
idiots well how
about those shitheads that got upset at
what’s his name the english guy
there was breaking
gervais yeah it was doing the golden
globes they got
upset at him because he was i
thought that that
was funny but i didn’t
think he deserved any sort of
edgy points
i mean it’s like you show up
and you have a
staff of writers
write roast jokes and you
took to like yeah cause
everything was
like it was
this amazing fucking can you believe you know
you fucking get a
staff of writers to write
roast jokes to
sling them at people
armed with acceptance speeches
it’s like and then what you do go down and fucking
start slapping around some
first graders
i just think that that’s a gig
where it’s really easy to come off as edgy
i mean people are
gasping and what was he doing a
robert downey jr rehab joke
it goes back to that hick
shit that you were talking
about it’s just like
i thought it was really like
like i just look at that gig well
that’s like the comic
where you get like a
corporate gig
and they go listen don’t talk
about this don’t talk
about this and work
clean okay and you
agree to it
and then you go out there
and then you just say
fucking blah blah blah
and you’re walking around like you’re fucking lenny
bruce you’re not
you’re just a douche
you’re just a douche
if you didn’t want to do the gig
if you don’t like celebrities you
think they fucking suck
what are you doing at an award show with a fucking
tuxedo one greg fitzsimmons was telling me a
story about a gig that he did in new hampshire
you had to drive up there it’s like fucking four
hours in the middle of nowhere
and he did the gig
and they told him whatever you do you can’t
swear don’t say fuck
so he goes on
stage he goes
apparently i’m not supposed to say fuck
what’s out about
he gets off stage
they have his bags packed
like right there by the side she
get the fuck out of here you’re fired
and so he has to
drive home and and you know he was telling it to rich
sliceler actually
and slicers like they let you
drive home at
night usually they tell you to
never drive at
night because there’s
moose up there
like fuck this kid
he said the evil word
but yeah that’s a douche but that’s a
thing you do when you’re 20 you know you’re
yeah and you
think you’re like yeah
so that’s how
i always viewed it i viewed it like because
i went through that period but i sort of viewed it like
it’s like they’re telling you what they want
and they hire you
to do this and you’re
agreeing to
fight it’s like that fucking kid at
byu everybody’s
flipping out
like he had sex and they kick him off team
they said what they
expected and you signed a fucking contract
you know don’t go to the
school yeah but the idea of stopping
teenagers for fucking it’s just like saying don’t
drink water is
ridiculous i’m not saying it’s
smart i don’t
agree with it i
think it’s fucking
ridiculous but
who in their
right fucking mind signs a contract
and says i’m not i’m not gonna fuck
that had to
have been all written up back in the fucking dark ages
though right it
was in brigham
young university that’s a mormon university
right i don’t
agree with it but it’s one of
those things don’t take the gig
you telling me that guy couldn’t put a ball
through a hoop in someplace else yeah but it’s not like
byu is fucking
north carolina
or some really like you know
traditional
like where all
these like jordans and
james worthies came from
byu is like the best they got
they’ve had a couple of
seasons with like
steve young and
jim mcmahon
they’ve had like great
great teams with
their football
but now with
basketball it’s fucking byu i
have no idea what you’re talking
about now you lost man
all right but you know what you listeners
right do they know you
sort of sports for
fucking losers out there
all right it would be like i’m kidding i don’t
think you’re a loser if you like basketball right
settle down
put your panties
straighten them out see this is people
people online
with that talking about them not you
talking about those people out there and you just get
upset because i cuz i
said you’re a fucking loser if you like
basketball and then i’m like
relax everybody on twitter i’m just joking around
these are just jokes
these are just jokes hey did you see gallagher
i heard that he fucked and
got a stroke on
stage right no i saw he was on the
local news one of the saddest fucking
things i’ve ever seen he’s
standing outside of his house that he somehow owed
he’s owned for 30 years
and he’s having an auction
he’s selling all half the shit you’ve seen in a special
what he’s selling
these off cause he’s losing his house
jake i’m telling you
i’m telling you
right now they’re on fucking tv talking
about barry bonds
and roger clements
and what they you know what baseball
they should be hunting down
these bankers and fucking
shooting in between the eyes
i need to own a
house for 30 years
and you’re getting
kicked out of it i thought it’s a 30 year loan
well he probably didn’t
pay his loan
but you know
he protects
second mortgages and probably didn’t pay it
i didn’t hear that he got
getting kicked out of his
house though i was like selling
large bananas but he just had a fucking
heart attack on stage
dude i don’t get how you’re in a fucking
house for thirty years
you’re doing road gigs
and you somehow can’t afford to keep your fucking house
dude those mortgages it’s
modern day fucking slavery
it’s ridiculous
right but that’s
but how can you say that when you say that a kid
should be able to go to brigham young
and sign a contract that he’s not
gonna fuck you don’t
think that it’s just as
ridiculous that someone
signed this contract for a
second mortgage and
this is why they’re
agreeing to that
because you can’t live outside
huh well you’re a fucking
idiot you’re an
idiot man if
you’re homeless you better have some friends
sleep on the
couch you’re the
dummy who wants to take out a
second mortgage and you
think you can
pay it off i mean it’s an
agreement it’s like
you’re not dealing
with a lone
shark who i
completely disagree with really
because i feel like
first of all it
should take you 30 fucking
years to pay the
thing off didn’t take bill gates
thirty years you
shouldn’t take
donald trump
thirty years is a lot of people that play this
capitalism game
they figured out a way to do it and this guy didn’t
he didn’t pay his fucking bills
it’s that simple organic
or something
crazy organic
watermelons
maybe something happened i don’t know
about forget it right
no it’s just how the game is set up dude
banks and insurance companies are the two most
crooked motherfuckers out there yes i
agree and as you get older
you start having health fucking problems
and you have a little
heart attack and
then you got you know you get hospital bills do they
look this is what the deal they want you to run on the
wheel for thirty
years and then they want you to fuck up financially
so they can kick you out and
stick somebody else
listen to what you’re saying you are
right now doing
exactly what you say you hate comedians doing
they want you to do this and they want you to do that
that’s just the same as we
it’s the same
thing notice
you’re making this them what you’re
doing is you’re being like the guy who sent me the
email and you’re
defending pedophiles in a financial way
i’m not defending them at all you’re saying look i
think the system is
completely fucked up and
a lot more people
should be in jail
than burning
it off i think that they
should fucking
front end load the interest
i think gallagher made millions of dollars
that’s what i
think and i
think if gallagher lost his
house he’s probably a fucking idiot
absolutely and then i
heard gallagher
on the marin
podcast like running off and i’ve seen gallagher on
opie and anthony he’s a douchebag all those
stupid jokes she was trying to play on patrice
this is the thing
this is what i can’t stand
about this shit is gallagher’s the douchebag
but what about the fucking bankers
do that made homeless guys qualified to get a fucking
home okay but
that’s a different argument they
drive we were talking
about gallagher
i’m never gonna
defend bankers
gallagher i’m
never gonna defend
gallag or bankers
or gallagher fuck gallagher
obviously i don’t know the guy’s finances
shit it just
any chance i
had to take a shot at fucking bankers have you
seen inside
job yet it’s on a
warp crisis
i just got it and i’m
gonna watch it tonight i was
gonna watch it last
night but i’m trying to fix my pool
stroke a guy
named stevie moore told me my
elbow comes up in a
funny way i
gotta fix my pool
strokes a lot
i’ve been telling you that for
years you have
i’ve been watching pool instructional
street now is there any
hotter than a fucking hot
chick who’s good at pool
there’s a few
but the problem is you don’t
wanna beating you
you don’t want a girl beating you that’s a very
masculine game
i know guys that
when i would play in tournaments
they would have to play
women they would freeze up
even good pro players
they freeze up they panic
cause they don’t
wanna lose to a chick
i like bowler
chicks dude it’s not like she’s
bench pressing more than you she
doesn’t matter she’s playing
ball into a hole pool is a very manly game cause it’s
about controlling your instincts
and controlling your emotions and staying calm and
focused and showing that you can fire
when they’re
under pressure
pool the big thing
about pool is not playing for fun
the big thing
about pools gambling
that’s where pool really
what pool means i think
pool halls are manly
well what pool means
is pull the
money in and gamble
that’s what it was
invented i mean that’s
literally the name the origins of the name pool
the game is pocket billiards that’s the real game
it’s called pool because you fucking gamble on it
and when guys are gambling man last
thing you want to do is lose
money to a chick in a game
when you dog the ball you
panic and you think you
don’t miss this nine ball this is it this is
everything put
the jars in the hole
moment when he’s
gonna lose to her in the driving
thing yeah man
gotta beat marsha
gotta get closer than a
quarter of an inch and he
knocks the fucking
egg off the car listen man i remember i had
a sit up contest
with my cousin when i was like 11
and i was fucking so
devastated that she was beating me in a sit up contest
i was super
upset people were 11
i know but look
some people don’t mature
that’s what i’m saying some guys it just
look i’ve lost to girls in tournaments before
and i didn’t enjoy it
back when i was like in my
early 20s i didn’t like it at all
playing some fucking i
can lose to a woman
in anything
other than an argument if i lost in an argument that
would fucking kill me
like really
just no but
i mean just like
like whatever she yelled
louder than me i mean like she got you down she just
got you just like
reams of information and that’s why
you’re wrong go fuck yourself
does that ever happen that
would drive me nuts
has that ever happened i lost an argument
to the yeah but this is the thing
i should have
clarified that not a girl i’m in a relationship with
right that’s a big
thing with me if i’m wrong
i admit i’m
wrong in a relationship you
gotta do that because
then you’re setting up if they’re
wrong for them to tap up
and that will
save it dude you just had a little help a lot
you know what
you’re right i
flipped out
i shouldn’t have yelled at that guy you’re
right blah blah
whatever and it shows
it shows like a willingness to grow
and honesty and
things that people
appreciate i
appreciate that in friendships too
when a friend will come out to
me dude i shouldn’t have said that to you i’m sorry i
appreciate that i’m just talking
about strangers you don’t give a shit and you get right
fuck you fuck you back
if they actually
if they actually
like i had a victory and then turned it into a loss
about fucking
about a month ago
i was sitting in my car i’m
doing this phoner
this meeting
right and i’m outside the bank right
and this girl pulls up
gets out of a car opens her car door
right into my door
boom hits it
and like but didn’t even react
may not like really hard
hard enough
but it was the fact that she didn’t fucking react
that i actually question i’m like did she just
maybe i don’t know is it
maybe i i thought she did it whatever
right so i’m
still on the phone
doing this conference call right
she fucking comes back out she does it again
so i’m on comp
i got these people on
speaker fuck that
noise so i said hang on a second
i opened the door i said hey
i go you just opened your car door into my car
on the way into the bank
and on the way out of the bank
and she goes oh i didn’t chip the paint
i go chip to
paint you didn’t even look
why don’t you
be a little more considerate next time and i
slammed the door so i won
game set fucking match
and then like an
idiot i still had to look over at her
and she just goes smile
have a nice day like i’m an asshole for getting upset
and then she gave me the finger and
drove away so
she kinda she
kinda she kinda
she kind of
stole the round on me it’s like i won and i got one
sugary lemon
and then yeah yeah
like when you
she fought haggle
haggard won that fucking
fight by the way she did win that fight she
went with the little fucking american flag shows brrr
to the side of my head and i was like fuck
why did i look at her i
should just
be like be a little more considerate
i had the slam of the door at
everything you know the conspiracy on that fight
is that haggard threw it
and then hagler
could have knocked out
leonard but he was hitting them with pity pat punches
which if you
watch it it really
doesn’t look like the same kind of punches he
threw on mugabe and herns
it looks like he was like
almost three quarter
speeding his
punches really
cause that guy
generally looked devastated
when he lost
when he said
this is why i
should have
never fought in vegas
maybe i mean
but he retired
it was a close enough
fight that he
could have lost a decision he retired
if he doesn’t see it that way it’s his ego
cause it was pretty
close you can
see decisions are squirrelly anything can happen
judges don’t have monitors no he didn’t no one got
knocked down that
fight i thought he
knocked them down i don’t believe so
i don’t think so i don’t
think hagriber
knocked down leonard
hold on he didn’t
knock him down maybe i’m thinking one of his older
fights that was the worst watching
leonard out when haggard
knocked guys down they really usually didn’t get up
dude how great was the middleweight division
but what i was saying is it was
amazing but what i was saying is that
he sent her no
no i don’t think he knocked him down
what was saying is though that he retired and he
moved to italy
and he became a fucking movie star
and it’s like look if the imam
really wanted to bet a shitload of money
on the underdog
which is sugar ray leonard
fighting this destroyer whose marvin haggard just
fucking crush
tommy herns was knocking everybody senseless
and sugary leonard hadn’t fought in years
you know he’s older he
looked like
people didn’t ever
think anybody ever came back and was successful
because most of the time they weren’t i thought
he did it he looked like he did a
cycle before that
fight he was funny leonard did yeah he was huge
didn’t tommy hearns accuse him of that
tommy hearns accused him of that before
their second fight
oh leonard yeah dude no
when he won that
fight and he did the classic
flex dude he was like you know that guy you know
i don’t know you know who they’re
going after is
lance armstrong
ooh they’re
going after him man
him and barry
bond they’ve been going
after him forever
yeah but they got a lot
in they got a lot in
the bankers fuck no
no they gotta stop we
gotta stop martha
stewart we gotta
stop we gotta stop
roger clements this is just it’s just fodder
it’s true it’s true you’re totally
right it’s good
point yeah it’s
kinda crazy
you know it’s
not that it’s not that it’s baseball it’s what
baseball represents well it’s like what the fucking
bankers that’s
doesn’t represent
that is our
money people losing
their houses a lot
worse than someone
losing a fucking baseball game no just bothers
me every week that i work
and then i go it’s just everybody works
and you go and you just give
these cunts your money
you hand it over like a fucking child
like a child
well here’s even
worse what the fuck does
money even mean anymore
it’s not even backed up by anything that’s
just based on
confidence a
piece of paper
that used to be
what you could
claim gold that you
could no longer
claim the gold for the most maddening
thing to me is
these people that used to work for the sec
used to be investigating
these big companies and then when they retire
they get huge jobs inside
these companies
like how the fuck is that legal
how is that allowed how do you let people profit
off of the fact that they
build some sort of a relationship with
these big fucking financial institutions that are
raping the public and taking all this buy out
money and paying off
their fucking executives
giant bonuses
while they lost billions
they’re paying
these guys 40 million 30 million like what is
going on how is this
it’s like oh and robbery in
front of everyone’s eyes they feel like they’re
entitled but it isn’t because nobody like they just
damn britney
spears shaved her head yeah we’re bombing libya
folks we’re bombing libya
do not pay attention to the hundred mile long
streak of oil that
just newly discovered in the gulf
you hear that there’s a new fucking oil
spill in the
gulf a new one a
giant one hundred
miles long 20
miles from the
other one holes in
the fucking
floor i got hardcore
into conspiracy theory and that type of shit for
about a year and a half
and then i just said fuck it i got a
great girl i’m getting a dog
i don’t give a shit
i guess i got sick of people
i got a dog for you if you want a dog
now i can these
dogs are whore don’t take his dog mine
now my dog is a
serious slut
my dog i actually i finally we
worked with the
train and we got it now it’s all cool and it came
how long did it take for the six
months six months six
months and did they
train at your
house what’s
wrong was i was a psycho
and like no seriously like dogs dogs
they feed off of your fucking energy so you know i’d
watch games i’d slam the
table you know and i just in general
that fucking
the same energy that i had when i was a kid man we had
these little west highland terriers
we turned them into maniacs this one
thing bit me in my face i had to get fucking what
do you do you beat the kids what do you do
uh we would fuck with it
we didn’t know any better beat the dogs
no we didn’t beat him we just we used
to play the
glove game the
glove game with
like a like a
like a baseball fucking
i just wrestle
with i’ll get to it you see
jesus christ
it’s like we’re on fucking
the ten thousand dollar pyramid
jesus fucking christ
a gardner’s
glove and we
would just fucking mush him in the face and then he
started biting too hard and be like fuck then
moved on to the
we didn’t realize we turned it into a fucking
maniac we basic
any psychologists
who wanted to see how fucked up my family was all they
would have to do is walk in
look at the dog
and be like wow
it’s cause a
trickle down effect
it’s like what was happening to us as kids
we did to each other and
then everybody did it to the fucking dog so when
i bought this
house this house was
i gotta be careful how i say this
cause they were nice people
but the woman
was very hot
and a little bit older but
still hot like in a milf way
but super controlling and the man was
this sort of a meek guy who happened to be rich
and the woman had
these fucking dogs
and this woman was a mean lady she was and
she would yell at her husband in
front of us
and she had
these dogs that
which fucking snap at everybody
they would bite people they bit like
three different people and then growl at people
and i grew up
with dogs i grew up with pit bulls pit bulls my my
whole life i had
crazy dogs so i saw
these dogs and
they came running up to me like when i was in the house
and the dogs got
right up to him
and what’s going on guys
someone gave my hand
and then she goes
this is incredible they don’t let anyone
touch them they
would tear your
throat out by this time
great owner
great owner what
the fuck is
wrong with you you got these
crazy animals living you that want to tear people’s
throats out when you invite them in your house
you come into my
house let some come up to you yeah you
come to my house
and i go hey there’s
say hi johnny johnny will come
over wagging his tail you pet him he’ll kiss your face
this he recognizes you as a friend you’re in this
group of nice people
the fuck is
that’s an indicative of a creepy person
right right a
scary dog i was just
fucking wound up
so the dog they feed off the fucking energy so the dog
started getting
wound up and then it
started growling at people on the street
and then i got nervous
so then the dog would
sense my nervousness
would growl a little bit fucking more
and it just
built and then i
would be terrified walking down the
street with the
thing and the dog
and then the meanwhile
is the dog can come up on the
couch whenever it wants it’s just
sort of running shit and i didn’t know any of that shit
but so we undid all of that
now the dog is totally fucking cool people
come over it’s wagging its tail and all had to do
with the way you were playing with my energy the
i mean no i didn’t do any of that
rough housing with the dog
but the joke i’ve been doing in my act is even if you
roughhouse with the dog
you gotta bring
their energy back down to being chill
you can’t have them at this heightened
fucking thing
right and then walk outside
cause they’re fucking
especially like
pit bulls the
thing if you own one
you have to
address the fact that you fucking own a dangerous
breed because
people just
sit no she’s the most lovable blah blah blah blah blah
it’s like yeah and also has
ability to rip somebody’s face off so i was having like
panic attacks
if this thing ever bit somebody and called like
nerve damage or
fucked up their face
i mean beyond beyond
beyond getting sued
it’s the level of
guilt i woulda had so
you know i knew
you know a couple people had
pit bulls and i took him to this guy and he just did a
great job but it was
literally it was six fucking
months of in your
house or did they
no no he took the dog
first he took the dog for six
months and you get it back a half a year later
that’s awesome
shocking that’s awesome no
he had it for like a
month no he had it for a
month tie an
electrode the same shit they did to dana
diorama putting
electrodes in
his asshole
no no he had it for a fucking month a
whole month yes
great he has it for a
month well cause you gotta
chill the fuck out
cause i got this cost
yeah it wasn’t
cheap okay anyway but it was way cheaper
than getting the living shit suit out of me and being
guilt and filling the guilt
so we went through all of that bullshit
and now the dog is just like
it’s cool as hell so he just
trains it all day every day
no it’s like
well the funny
thing is it’s like the dog
the second he’s around him
and we’re removed from the equation
it goes back
and he’s chill and he’s in control it instantly
was fine the dog was instantly
that the problem was us
we didn’t know
and now we were all fucking scared anytime you
would come over all
right dude just blah blah
and everything i was doing was fucking wrong and
it just kept
building the
experience which
would add to my paranoia
so it just became a really bad situation but the
second he went over with him
you know it was fine he was walking it with dogs
everything was cool
he had to learn like
cause he was walking into a totally new environment
new set of rules
we were gone
it didn’t feel like
it had to protect anybody so the dog was instantly fine
what he had to do
was undo us it had nothing to do with the dog it was us
for and the reason why i took six
months was because i’m on the road
every other fucking week
was like the
whole family grew from that
experience i
think so i think i
grew from hearing it
it was awesome
it’s very romantic
it’s good that there’s someone out there that
can do that man because there’s a lot of people that
would i wish it was cheaper
because there’s
a lot of people with fucking dangerous dogs
there’s a guy that lives down the
street from me as pit bulls are always out
and he’s like
yeah they’re
nice they’re friendly like get the fuck out of here man
i’ve had pit bulls i’ve had a
bunch of them they don’t like
other dogs if somebody else’s dogs lose too
likely you’re
gonna have a dead dog in the
street it depends
on it really depends on
like if we wanted to get another dog we
would have to
ours is a female we’d have to get a male
and you have to get a
puppy so they
would have a mother yep
relationship yeah absolutely
right you do it that way you don’t you don’t
bring in another female
yeah like my dog just its personality
it’s not the kind of dog that you want to walk with
other dogs very
possessive very
jealous so it’s something you have to keep in
but they’re just like people they have different
personality
where i’m fucking a
wound up psycho
there’s another guy who’s just totally fucking
chill and wouldn’t have had a problem
with the dog
right the dog
would have become a
chill dog yeah
yeah dude they do that show you
watching a game and some
man what dude what the fuck
and then like
their ears come up like yeah dude what the fuck
you know they stop
getting into that mode
and then if you have a dog that’s you know bred to
fight in a pit
yeah it’s ready to go yeah
it’s amazing that you
could just buy that and then people i mean they’re
great dogs they’re
super friendly and
super sweet
now it’s ridiculous that you can go down to a shelter
and they just it’s like just giving somebody
a gun you don’t even know what end of the bullet
comes more than a gun it’s like giving him a monster
yeah so giving him a wild
monster that’s
gonna be your
buddy you know
they don’t even
speak english
you can’t even tell them listen you can’t eat kids
getting fucking dog shit you
understand listen
i have a backcount
this is how you dog
how about this
you shouldn’t fucking kill people
be a nice doggy you know
that’s the end
the end of the fucking show
dude i can’t believe
this be careful
pit bulls two
hours two and a half
hours we went on for a long time
but you know what it’s always
it’s always fun to
have you on bro you’re you’re hilarious you know what
i didn’t even hype
is means the
buddies of mine made a
short film when we just got into the tribeca
film festival
really was it called
cheat cheat
yeah what’s it about
me joe de rosa and robert
kelly joe oh
bobby kelly
asked me to
write an article
yeah or rather
a chapter because
i guess you guys are gonna do a book on it no that’s
something to go along
with it yeah the book came out of that yeah yeah
it’s been this great thing so you know we
wrote it and shot it ourselves
about a year ago and finally you know
started submitting it to a festival so we’re in that
thing so we’re really excited
about it nice so when can people see it
well they can see it at the festival
if you live anywhere around there
but then after where’s that
where’s it where’s
the film festival is in
tribeca new york and manhattan
and there’ll be a i think it’s april
20th through like may 3rd
and then afterwards will be available for dvd
or what you gonna try to get it
we haven’t got to that
point yet yeah i don’t know how that works this is the
first thing we’ve ever done so how many minutes is it
like 15 15 film so do you think you would put it online
and have it available online or how
would what would you do afterwards i have no idea
so it’s cool
what would started this just guys start talking and
yeah i don’t want to give away like
okay i don’t want to give away the
movie but basically it was one of
those deals where it was like three comedians
sitting around there was a fucking problem
and we just
started brainstorming
on it and somebody was like dude this is a movie
and then we
i don’t know we just fucking sat down and
wrote it and then
it was awesome yeah it was really cool
now it was one
of the best times i ever had because we just put the
money up ourselves and shot it ourselves and afterwards
we were trying to figure out why we had such a
great fucking time
it’s like oh yeah there was no industry going
why doesn’t he wear like a red
shirt in this
and he can be like a
plumber well
you were there for the chappelle show
did you get to
experience any of them you were
a regular on that show right i no
i wasn’t on the second
season i was
becoming a regular i only did five sketches but i just
ended up being in five of the huge ones
the racial draft the
world series of dice
even like the
sam jackson one is something that everybody loves
and all i did was i just sat there and got yelled at
i just took cotton and
stuck it in my ear and just let him yell
and he was absolutely hilarious
but as far as
why the show
stopped and all that i mean i’m as much in the dark
as you got i do know that he was
going out and trying to do his shows
and everybody was you know he couldn’t get a word out
rick james bitch yeah you know
right what that’s my
couch motherfucker
yeah all of that shit right so
you know i have no idea
but what i think is cool
about it is that you just have two killer fucking
seasons you know airtight to get back to that
expression rather than
you know there’s certain shows
that they probably
should have quit five
seasons in and they just kept making them
i think if you gave dave a
ton of weed
and let him do whatever the fuck he wanted to do he
would keep cranking them out
i think oh yeah he’s perfect for that shit
that blind racist
that was accidentally
blind ku klux klan
guy that was accidentally
black that was
that was at
first what was it
which one was that called what was
the name of this
catch clayton
bigsby yeah god
damn that was brilliant
yeah fucking
brilliant yeah they just need to
leave that guy alone
when i did the fear factor
sketch with him
he was telling me that they were
they were trying to tell him like how many times he
could say nigger and he couldn’t say nigger and yeah
you got to stop saying this stop saying that and you
well what happens is i
think when something becomes a
success then everybody wants to try to get their
stink on it so they can be like i was the guy who said
to put the desk over there and but rather than just
going like hey
you’re killing
it just keep whatever the fuck you’re doing
because i know like they thought that
somebody on
the show read me that the industry notes for that
i’m rick james
bitch sketch and they
the overall
thing was basically this is just a
series of things
that aren’t really
funny like they didn’t get what was
going on like i remember when they were doing that neil
i lived like
i don’t know like i
could walk up to where they
were editing the thing
and when they did the rick
james thing like neil called me up he’s like dude you
gotta come up here and
check this thing out i don’t
think we can top this shit i remember
walking in there
dying laughing for like the
first four minutes and i was just in awe
i was like dude this is the
greatest that’s the
greatest fucking
sketch of all
time ever ever
ever that show’s the
greatest sketch show of all time
nothing even comes close
nothing comes close
i center on
live can’t fuck with that
none of those shows can fuck with that yeah they
never had that
laugh for a
second quality as
far as like social commentary
and then just like
ridiculous like
silliness of
the show it’s
gonna make me
depressed because it kills me that the fucking
thing what kills me too is that he’s like he’s doing
stand up and he like you know he’ll like announce on
thursday he’s
gonna show it cobs on friday
and i’ll do two shows and play bongos for five hours
you know it’s
like i wish the guy was likes putting out specials
you know i wish he was putting out dvds and shit
you know i mean
him twice in the last month
yeah what did you
think he’s been out and on the comedy story
well i saw him at the parlor
and i saw him at the comedy
store what’d you think
it’s interesting
the direction he’s
going is kind of
going into more of a
where it seems really organic
talking to the audience and
stuff like that but with bits kind of mixed in
so you don’t
even realize you’re getting doing like he’s doing
stand up on you
it’s weird it’s really weird
and then he had like some guys come up and play
music and he was like
like kind of doing like singing and rapping at
points and stuff like that
but again it felt like it wasn’t
planned it felt like
you were getting a show that no one else got to see
but then i talked to a couple of the
other mike comics
and they’re like oh no no this is
if you see a couple of
these you’ll
see that this is exactly what his act is now wow
and it was kind of interesting
i liked it i thought it was cool i tell you i was
entertained he pissed off a lot of people at cobbs
cause he was doing like
these five hour sets and
the wait staffs
going fucking nuts
would you do sets or like
do two shows do like
three hours at a
stage what are you
three and a half
hours in what’s up
with lamps i mean
how many fucking i don’t know
it’s him and remember when dane cook
tried to top that and
he fucking stayed on
stage for like eight
hours or something
crazy was it seven
is that what it is
by the way the
guinness book of
world records is
ridiculous because there’s
always some retard out there with nothing to lose
especially when it comes to
stand up comedy
who the fuck can
define what
stand up comedy
you can get some
complete sociopath to
stand on stage for
three days in
a row and just shit himself and piss all over the
fucking stage
yeah it’s like and
then he wins
flag pulls yeah that’s bullshit
you just gotta stay up there
you know what this
should be there
should be some like
laugh meter
and once you just start
running out of jokes and just the
lights come
out yeah the
lights come out you have a
certain amount of minutes
where you can play with the
crowd certain
amount of times you can say so what else is
going on before
you just get
like a red flag and it’s just like dude this isn’t
stand up zero airplanes are sitting up
there yeah it’s like it would be
funny if the less you laughed
the less the audience
laughed the brighter the
lights in the room got
you know and to let you know when all the
lights are on the show’s not dark anymore
it’s like it’s like a
video game yeah yeah yeah it’s like that guitar hero it
starts going
your spotlight dims
your spotlight dims and the audience gets brighter
so if people want to listen to bill bill also has a
great podcast called the
monday morning
podcast that’s available on itunes and it’s not on
stitcher anymore
right you pull it off
stitcher yeah i took it off yeah
so it’s not a lot of controversy
with this stitcher app
yeah they just saw that
apparently people are getting i love
stitcher and i back it up 100
i think it’s fucking awesome
being able to go in your car and just
have be able to choose
podcasts and listen to them automatically you know
streaming kind of what was
the problem i had they just took mine
never told me
and then we’re selling
advertising and they will making fucking money whoa
which is yeah that’s not fucking cool so that’s illegal
yeah we told
them to stop
then they they sent me an offer
which is hilarious it’s like someone
stole your your fucking car
and then you show up
gonna give my car back like hey
look i put some rims on it you know you want a
piece of that
yeah well apparently there’s
a big move to get off of it marin was talking to me
about it yesterday and greg fitzsimmons called me
about it and greg
fitzsimmons had the same situation that you had when
they just put
his shit on
yeah so he said there was a lot of people that
are you gonna
cut me in on the average what
about all you
money you’ve already made off of the fucking
thing you didn’t get you
yeah exactly it’s like that internet
thing we’re
just like hey you know everybody can take everybody’s
shit i don’t
think there’s a problem with that
brian do you not
have any free content and they’re selling advertisement
on it no i have no problem with it how come
because they’re offering
the service
they’re offering
if my listeners want to
drive around and be able to
stream my show
i’m not offering that on my website
so let them do it and
i offer it on my website how do you
drive around so you have to
stream it through it online
you can stream
it you can stream it off of your mobile
phone no you go to
itunes and look it
this is the
thing that’s what i’m saying though you can’t do that
if you’re driving in your car
right now and you’re
like i want to listen to joe rogan’s podcast from four
weeks ago you’re
streaming something that i created you
gotta kick me
money for that you
can’t just take joe
rogan they’re not just
streaming that’d be like if i
started a radio station
and i started playing
the music and
let me finish and i didn’t pay anybody
i didn’t play any of the musicians
but they’re not putting advertising in the show
yeah they are
no i listen to
streamer over there
they’re adding you miss
why are they coming to the website they’re not
they’re not
putting advertising in the show they’re not adding no
they’re not adding ads in the
show why are guys saying that they are
because i think on
stitcher’s website
where like on the apps they have advertisements
and they’re getting all
these hints who
cares about that because they’re making
money off of our stuff dude
people aren’t
going to the website to just
just sit there and listen to to
streaming they’re
going they’re listening to content it’s like dude
it’s like a
fucking network yeah but okay let me finish you have a
production house
and they make shows and the people
it’s not like
oh i have a tv show so i’m just
gonna show you tv show i’m not gonna
pay any of the creators of the show
i don’t have a problem with them
all right with
what they’re doing but
you don’t just take it and not pay somebody
it’s true yeah
if you’re gonna make
money off of it you have to kick somebody’s
money yeah they have to
i mean even
youtube whenever you have a
video that gets a lot of hits they offer you
hey you can sell ads on this and we’ll give you
money i get
offers on my
videos all the time
right i’m not saying
their business
model is not a bad thing
it’s the way they went about it
it’s like if they said hey listen
i wanna put if they
approached me
first and said listen
we got this great
model it’s gonna
allow people to listen to it
streaming the
thing or whatever
and you know we’re
gonna we’re
gonna advertise
i’m gonna kick you some money
fine but don’t just
start doing it and making
money then out of nowhere i find out
about it like six
months later
a year later
after you made all that money
and then i’m like what the
fuck i go to take it off and now that i’m taking it off
now you’re gonna offer me money
all right yeah that’s fucked up
yeah yeah that’s not how you do business yeah yeah
you could also
think of it this way though too stream
stitcher has
their own community
stitchers like a facebook or a twitter
and so when you
have a show on there they’re also introducing you to
their whole yeah but you got a community
you have to ask yeah i know but what you’re doing
what you’re doing
is you’re making it seem like
stitcher is this entity
that is amazing that people are just
gonna sit there
and stare at
stitcher well it’s they’re
going there for the content
i know i’m not saying that they don’t provide a service
i’m not saying any of that
but for them to take my shit
and just put it up there and make
money off of it i’m
not saying that they have to give me 100 of the money
i’m saying you just
you can’t just
you can’t just take his
stuff and copy it and then
start selling ads on it on your thing
right you can’t do that
i agree but you
can sue i know
that i know
i listen they also
as an example
stitcher has now put in all the
brand new fords and also a couple
other car dealer
companies have now
added stitcher as
inside their
cars now why
because now
they’re moving away from serious
radio and xm
radio into internet
connected it’s
because of the content and the amount of hits
that they’re getting and that has nothing to do with
stitcher that has to do with
joe rogan’s fucking hilarious
greg fitzsimmons fucking hilarious
mark marin is doing
these great parts that’s why people are
going there
i guess to me
if i could have my shit fucking in
every single ford car that
people can listen to and it’s a part of the car now
i’m like you
know what what you’re doing
is you’re pitching what people on that side do
which is the pimp game
where they talk
about the exposure
and all this
great exposure and then the only way for us to make
money off the exposure is
people go to your shows
and people buy
your cds yeah
let me finish i
still have to get on a fucking
plane and fly to
kansas city
while those
motherfuckers get to
sleep in their own bed
they don’t have to leave
you know what i mean no huh
what i’m saying is we’re both
what you’re acting like you’re acting like you eat
toast no what you’re saying is
is your that bullshit where
artists get paid in exposure
is the big pimp game in fucking hollywood you’re
right it’s this carrot that they have you
changed we’re gonna stick you on this
we’re not gonna give you any fucking money
but everybody’s gonna hear this and then you’re
gonna go to kansas city and
jesus christ the whole you’re gonna play with a fucking
royals play
and meanwhile
they’re making all this fucking money
well that’s the kind and
you gotta be like fucking uh
what it would
you gotta fucking pack up and go fly out to go get your
money this sitting at home
raking and all this shit and this is the thing
you’re providing the fucking content
all right they’re providing the service so they
should get paid for the service you
should get paid for your content that’s all i’m saying
this should be a business
marriage if you just don’t take the fucking content
if your content was
free already though
your contents free on itunes yeah but you can’t
put it on your own application that’s
not which is my
choice you put it on itunes
yeah and i have and i have the choice i have the choice
to decide my podcast
is fucking free
i could sit there and i
could decide
if if i want to charge
money for but dude it’s mine
right it’s mine and it’s my decision
it’s not yours to just fucking take
and then because
you know i’ve been busting my ass and working on this
thing for fucking
three years
and everybody wants to go see it and now
you just take it make a
ton of fucking
money off of me you don’t even tell me you
don’t call me
up i don’t think that they’re making a shitload of
money at all i don’t the stitches
it’s not really making a shitload of
money doesn’t
matter if they’re making two dollars you have to
give me one
but you can’t
just make money off people’s stuff
you’re pretending
that they’re not selling content they have a
device i listen to my
shit on stitcher
every day i’ve
never heard an ad once
okay so it’s not seeing the ads is the ads
there’s no ads
playing during my podcast there’s no ads before or
after my podcast
so to me i have
no problem with
stitcher and
they’re not making any
money off me directly
okay that’s you but
i don’t know
how you’re saying they’re making
money or anything i open
stitch up right now
i open up stitch
right now i find my
podcast you
think that they do
those those
apple ads for
free you’re confused like
you listen to a radio
station for brian
they have abs
right you listen to a
radio station i don’t remember
every hearing or
listen to me listen to me
all right okay when you listen to a
radio station they don’t play an ad during a song
but you listen to the
radio station because they’re playing the kind of
music you wanna listen to
that’s why are you listening to doody
yeah i’m listening
so that’s why
if you play a band’s song on the fucking radio
the band gets paid
okay you get paid
okay do you
understand that
but i’m not saying that there’s no ads on this
so i’m going to comedy right now i’m typing in comedy
now i’m going to comedians
here’s comedians right up here now there’s a
little banner that pops up at the very bottom
but i have a little
banner that banner makes money
deathsquatum at the very top little banner
makes money i know but facebook makes
money off you but you’re on facebook are you
gonna sue facebook and pull off your stuff on facebook
makes shit look
wait a minute
he had a blog
and they copied his blog entries and put it on facebook
and then started selling advertising yeah i chose
well you chose to be on stitcher right no i didn’t
yeah they asked you no they didn’t
that’s the whole point of what he’s saying brian is
that i chose to be on facebook and i choose what i put
to go to put up i did not choose to be on stitcher
stitcher took my shit and put
see no advertising before it this is me talking
okay brian he’s talking yeah dude
you know it’s like
i’m trying to make i’m trying to explain it we had it
right there and you’re so convinced of your argument
i mean if you’re totally convinced
of argument i’ll just stop right
now no no but i don’t
think you understand a lot of like the internet like i
understand that you don’t want your mp3
on here so you
can tell them yes i don’t want you on here
that stitcher
is not like selling advertisements during your show
they’re pretty much
doing what it’s available you’re
giving it free
i already answered
i answered this like
three minutes ago you’re just not listening to me
you’re not listening to me i realize
that they’re
not playing it during it i said when you listen to a
radio station
right they play ac dc back in black
they don’t play a woo
like commercial in the middle of it
but in between the songs they advertise
and the amount
of listeners that a
radio station gets
is not because of the commercials
it’s because of the music
that is there
the artists that put that out there that’s why
that the bands get played
they get a portion
of the advertising that’s how business is done
i don’t have a problem with that
i would love to be on
stitcher if they did it the
right way if they approached me and said listen
this is what we’re doing
we’re gonna sell advertising
we’re making this amount of
money we’re
gonna kick you that i
would have done it in a
second but the
thing is they just took my podcast
and all my listeners
who go on there
cause they like what i do
and then they made
money off of that because in between
on the side of
their website
and that shit that you saw at the bottom
they’re making
money off of that
and they didn’t kick me any
money until
you got caught
and it does keep people from getting it off itunes
that’s the only negative
part about it
in my opinion
is it takes it hurts your itunes numbers
but like as any single website that you used
people if you
give something out for free on the internet
you can consider
stitcher to be just
an mp3 player right
and any application on here
and what they have
is they’re making
money off of it look i put it
out there and everybody downloads it and it’s for free
right but the
second you take it
and you start making
money off of it
it’s the same way like if
you you i i see
both of your
points i see both your
points i do see
brian’s point
that he did pull
up the application and the only
will add was his little tiny ass banner that no one
really make it
money off that yeah you
could say that that
might be just enough to keep your site
going i mean
how much money
you think that little banner
how much is the app let
me ask you this dude
how do you how do
you run a business
yeah it’s a free app free
app how do you run a business
that makes no money
because they are selling
their programs to
companies like ford
so now you buy a ford
and they have a
stitcher app
in there so it’s like a serious
rate no and why
is ford getting
in business with them because the the future of
radio is podcasting it’s not
satellite radio
it’s not but the
thing is the
thing yeah but i’m doing a podcast how come ford
doesn’t come to me
he came to these guys because they
stuck them all together
and it’s because of all the hits that
joe gets all the fans that i have all the fans that all
these people have these guys
stuck it all into one but they
should have come to us and said this is what we
wanna do and get in
business with us you just don’t hijack everybody shit
and then stick it on there
start selling advertising
banners on the
bottom and then getting contracts with ford because
they’re looking at
their website they’re seeing all the hits that
they’re getting
rss feed what
you have when you have a podcast you have an rss feed
what that rss feed means is that
every single that you’re letting
everyone you want to play your
mp3 players
so there’s websites that will grab your rss feed
and just and put it on
their website
that’s what rss
feed needs you’re
sharing it you’re
giving after i forget
for free right
right but this is the download
still count but
once download from an rss feed
counts the big argument is that twitter
you can’t turn around and then take the free
thing and then
start making
money off it
it’s common it’s business
it’s business 101
you have to pay the person
if i’m giving away for free
you can just take it you
can’t just go out
well maybe they
tried to do it this way and
stitcher also
has a way to pay
their artists now they have the pay
thing now they’ve
started a couple of
months ago but bill was
right when i was saying
they should
come to me and
say listen we like
your podcast we’ve seen you getting this amount of hits
we want to put it on here we have some advertising
and we’ll kick you some of it dude i
would be on
stitch you haven’t done that to you
never you sure
oh yeah he’s positive bro
they’ve come to me to do it he
they’ve come to me to do it two
months ago they came to me too i allowed them to
put my stuff on they
never came to me but they
never came to him they never came
to me they just took my shit see that’s the
thing if they came to me
i wouldn’t i
wouldn’t have had a problem
our podcast is sponsored they came
to me when my lawyers
sent him a cease and desist and then they go oh you
want what if we gave you a percentage of this
money that we’ve been making
mmm now if it had nothing to do with my podcast they
wouldn’t have offered me that
i think a precedent
has to be established once and it becomes really
profitable and
right now it’s not and i totally
agree with you that you can’t take your
stuff and just
put it up there
without asking and then put advertisement
on the application
even if it’s indirectly
know if there’s a certain amount of ads
that you know
you just get
every time you go to
stitcher but one podcast gets
a you know a really high number of downloads like your
monday morning podcast does
well that’s your you’re selling that you’re selling the
monday morning podcast
that’s what you’re selling when you’re advertising
you know i totally get that but
the way i look at podcasting in the
first place is
i want i agree that it’s good to have you know
sponsors that pay for
things and you can
you know you could
you know make
money off the show and it’s good it’s good to
get paid for
someone downloading it and listening to it but
for me what’s important is that people get it
that’s what’s important for me it’s important that
the reason why it’s free
on my website as well as free on
ustream as well as free on itunes as well as on
stitchers i just
want yeah ustream’s making shit off of you right now
i don’t have a problem with that
i mean they have to pay for bandwidth
they do u stream
they take care of us and
to be honest
i don’t know
i like youtube
you do youtube i
found out that people no you
stream as a video
we’re doing this
right now this is oh yeah
no i don’t do
video i don’t do
video do you have a youtube account
but this thing
i’m actually trying
to get advertising
on my website i mean on my podcast
i don’t have a problem with that but this is like
this is the game of this business
where it’s like
the artist does the work
and then the business
guys come in and they give you the fucking heisman
right i mean
i mean it’s
right through the
whole business those guys
those guys who made fucking lord of the rings
never got paid
they made six billion dollars they had to sue to get
their fucking money
what do you mean
look it up they got the
whole fucking
thing though
that was a huge
lawsuit is that one of
those things
where they have hollywood type accounting
where they show losses hollywood
yeah we had four billion dollars in
white out in
9 billion in
paper clips so we’re
still not in profit
and fucking
you know the director
doesn’t get paid
and yeah it was a huge fucking lawsuit and they just
and then whatever the conglomerate was
they decided that it was
cheaper to just get sued they paid themselves
out then they imploded the
thing just left
and these guys
and it was totally and it’s totally fucking legal
wow it’s an interesting thing this
whole podcast
thing though isn’t it
how you know i mean
basically what we’re doing
right now is you know they’re
at any moment
when we put one of
these things out during the week a
quarter million people download this fucking thing
and that’s a big number of
human beings that you could just
reach on your own
don’t you find that
shows are more packed with
your real fans now than ever before do you find that
i find it’s a combination
of doing oprah and anthony
doing morning
radio my specials and my podcast people
definitely listen to the podcast and
you know it’s a great way
to get out and have people
come out to your shows but it’s it’s one of those
things where like
i don’t do that shit
where i’m getting paid in exposure
and you’re taking all the fucking money
right and then so for the rest of my life in
order for me
to get the fruits from my
labor i gotta go fly to fucking tennessee
right it’s like i’m i’m
i’m doing a i’m doing a fucking
radio show here right
radio guys don’t go on the fucking road
for some reason it just all goes back to
but then when you do your
monkey dance
you get paid and it’s like so no
value is being put on the fact when you go on radio
shows you’ll get
money i see
their error in judgment
i see their
error in judgment and i see that what they’re
doing is they take something that’s already free
and they make
a device that
allows you to get it to people that
wouldn’t ordinarily get it
but it does
when i get to his
point that when i do
radio i’m flying
i’m in there i fly in there i do
radio and i’m
hyping my shows that’s the
point of it
my podcast is not
hyping my shows
my podcast is my radio show
it’s my radio show
that’s what
this is a fucking
radio show dude
right just cause they
call it a podcast
it’s my radio show
i can’t just hijack the star show
and put it on my site
and just start selling advertising
and then when he tells me to cease and desist
go hey can i let you in on some of this money
and then i go well howard you’re
fucking huge man why don’t you go fly and stand on a
stage and tell jokes in
kansas city
you’ll get paid that way
i see what you’re saying
yeah i see what you’re saying like i
understand like
it’s it becomes an
issue if it
takes away like
i would love to be in business
those guys with
their exposure but you just have to do it the
right way dude you don’t just take it
and make money
and wait till i find out
about it and then offer me a cut i
think when you
when it comes to podcasts and certain
things on the internet
especially when it comes to rss feeds
that that’s just
common for the internet like there’s companies
what you’re saying
though is wrong
right because
it’s not rss feeds that you’re
dealing with you’re dealing with someone copying a
thing and then sending it out
through an application
which is completely different as rss feeds
you’re gonna get an account of
every download
he has presented the two
classic arguments
that they do when they fuck artists they talk
about exposure
what great exposure this is
and then secondly let me finish and then secondly
he did the whole
this is just the way it’s done like you know
when a manager
hands you that contract with this automatically renews
if i get you one
thing at the
chuckle hut
and you say dude this is bullshit
and it’s like no
everything’s negotiable you’re
right it’s negotiable
if you have an rss feed
as an example
if you have something on your
you have something on
most websites wordpress
even rss feed right
there’s programs like there’s one called flipboard
on the ipad
what it does is it collects
rss feeds and it repackages
it makes your website kind of look like a magazine
that they sell they
kind of mix advertising in there here and there
there’s programs that do that
same thing that
stitcher doing
except the only thing that
stitcher’s doing is different
is taking it off your server
putting it on
their server
so it doesn’t affect your bandwidth but that’s a big
issue and it’s not affecting the bandwidth
i’m not confused
with what they’re
doing i know
i’m not confused
with what they’re doing you’ve explained it like
three times dude i
understand what it is i know but they’re not directly
like i’m trying to say is they’re not
like these little
banner advertisements
like that’s not making millions of dollars it
doesn’t matter but
it’s affecting the downloads from itunes
which affect his numbers yeah but you can
get those but
you can get
those numbers
from stitcher
and if you don’t want to be on
stitcher you can tell them to take you off a
stitcher yeah but even if you get
those numbers why
and i told them and then
they fucking
obviously this is the
funny thing obviously they’re making some
money if they offered me to stay
okay and i also know you can’t pay your rent
unless you’re making money
i’m not saying that
those guys are millionaires over there
what i’m saying is
that that’s not the way you conduct business that’s
wrong that’s a you can’t do that man that’s
wrong you can’t just take
somebody’s creative shit
and just start making
money off of it and not and not paying them
i don’t understand it
that’s that
bizarre internet
thing where people feel
that cause they can they can see it
and they can put it on
their site that they own it and then have the right
to do whatever they want with it and make
money off it and not pay anybody
i’m not being a dickhead dude
i’m really not i’m just asking
to go about it
i would love to be on
stitcher in a
functional business
model i don’t want to be on it
where it’s just you just fucking
swipe it and make
money and wait for me to
find out about it
well one thing you
should definitely do is take off your
your podcast off of your rss feed so that that because
you’re not only a
stitcher doing this
about probably a hundred different companies are
using your rss feed in your
mp3 to make
money right now okay
there’s probably a hundred people
daily or hundred
companies that are
using a shit to make
money there’s so many
things like
stitcher there’s so many websites that will play your
mp i know but that
has nothing to
do what we’re talking
about dude we’re talking
about what’s
right and wrong you just
basically said well
you busted this drug dealer there’s another
hundred drug dealers out there doing it it’s like
i’m not saying
that there aren’t
other people doing it i’m saying why i’m not on
stitcher anymore
yeah but what i’m saying is that that’s
what the rss means on the internet if you’re putting
out an rss feed you’re pretty much saying all right
this is an unprotected
work that i am sending out for you guys to have yeah
brian and do
whatever you’ve already
addressed no
i’m not saying
that i’m not saying that you can then go make
money off of it i’m
saying this is free here you go
that’s what i’m
saying you take off your rss feed off your website no
brian because they’re profiting off
the i’m not missing
point that’s what an rss feed is that mean
that you’re
pretty much it’s like an antenna advertising
this is my infantry
you know what you’re doing
is you’re telling me
what i’m thinking what my intent
is no no i’m just saying what
an rss feed is
brian we know what an rss
feed is it’s just something that
allows people to download something it’s an automatic
download you’re saying
that because i
that i’m saying that
i’m on that
yeah but you can’t sell advertising
using someone’s content and sell
advertising i don’t know why that’s so hard for you to
understand they’re not directly
selling content advertising towards your content
that’s what i’m saying like
that the rss feeds
there’s websites that are playing his mp3
right now on
their thing
this is ridiculous
but you don’t even because
it’s like i don’t i know exactly
no you don’t you’re using
shitty logic your
logic sucks
they’re selling advertising and they’re
using other
people when
you listen to a
radio station
you don’t put on the
radio station
because of the fucking advertising it’s the band’s
that bring you there like
these guys play the
music i want that’s why the bands get played
people are going to
stitch her so
you have a problem with youtube too then do you have
videos on youtube dude this is one of
these guys like this is
one of these guys
where it’s just like
you can’t make a
point because he’s already rss features
you’re already
thinking of his next
point and he just wants to be
right no i’m just saying what that’s what rss needs
if you don’t want your shit
distributed and
made money off it
you don’t have an rss feed on your website rss feed
on your website is for
other websites to grab and use your content for free
no it’s not
get shit for free
no it’s to download shit for free
it’s something that
allows you to keep up with people
as they put out podcast you’re gonna go
on your ipod
stitch or does
stitch or grab your rss feed and prepackages no it
doesn’t sound it
copies your
mp3 you’re wrong
and it copies your
mp3 and then sends it out through its own application
and has advertising application you have
100 percent
wrong and there’s no way to convince him because he’s
totally convinced of his argument yeah
totally convinced of it
brian the point is
we’re not saying you’re a bad person the point
is you cannot
listen you use the youtube
argument and it’s a shitty argument and here’s why
if fucking youtube was
stealing bill burr
shit and putting it on youtube and then selling ads
that would work that
would be like hey what the fuck you can’t have bill
burr shit on
but youtube is fans
it’s some kid in nebraska that
thinks bill
burr is hilarious
and he watches his special in comedy central
and he takes his computer and he edits a 10
minute chunk
and he throws it up on youtube and then i
have no problem
with exactly i have no
problem i don’t even have a problem it’s
completely different
it’s bad enough when i have a dvd coming out the
second somebody sees it then they put it on there but i
understand now it’s like okay
the dvd thing
is over now
like i get that
thing but this is
where the problem comes is if you then take my content
okay and then
start advertising off of it
and you don’t fucking pay me that’s the
thing i understand that my shit’s
gonna end up
on the internet
and people are
gonna get it for free
and that’s just the way
things are now
i don’t have a problem with that the big fucking hurdle
is when you take it
and then you
start making
money on application then have ads
yeah you start making
money off your arguments
completely yeah
there’s a reason why
they came back to me
when i took it down and offered me a cut
yeah and there’s a reason why they
didn’t want me to take it down because i have listeners
who go there
and when they go there they see the ad
and they read it
and in the advertising
world that means
well we get enough guys looking at it they’re
gonna fucking buy something
but if they’re
going there because they like your podcast
or they like my podcast that’s
that’s why they have to kick you a little bit of
money yeah there’s a reason why all
these people
want to say any of that
shit i’m not
saying like
their website is fucking awesome
the way they do business is not
and the youtube argument the thing
about youtube that’s
crazy is that even though the kids
are putting bill burr’s podcast
or bill burr’s
stand up mp3s or clips from a
movie that’s funny
they’re getting sued by all
these people that own that
stuff which i
would and then it gets and i
would hold down that’s one of
those things
where if stitcher wasn’t making any
money and just want to fucking
throw it out there i
wouldn’t give a shit yeah
it’s the fact that you’re making
money off my podcast you
gotta give me some money
those kids who take
my specials
and put them all over
the fucking youtube i love it
that’s fucking
great i have no problem with that
if they were somehow figured out a way to make
money you have to fucking pay me
right right
a certain portion
and i respect the fact if you come up with the business
model that makes
because i don’t have the business model
but you still
you know the content
is the model
is you start
charging for your podcast
what’s that the
model is you
start charging for your podcast
what do you mean
that’s pretty much how you have to
if that is or if you
protect your life
and protect your inventory yeah
i want to have
ads that’s what i want to have i want to have ads
and i don’t want to have somebody
take my podcast and have advertising
around it and that type of shit and make money
not tell me they’re taking my podcast
earn money and not give me any of the money
that’s all i’m saying
i don’t have any problem
i would love to be in business with
those guys like if they just if they
fucking did it the
right way they didn’t so
i just had him take it down i mean it’s just normal
business yeah
i mean i think eventually that this look
everybody is
saying that eventually
i won’t be back up on
stitcher because they already offered me something
but what i’m saying the reason why
i took it down is because what they did was not right
that’s just not how you do business
it’s stealing i
agree i agree
our situation is totally different i
agreed to be on
stitcher cause my
my way of looking at it
is i just want more people to get the podcast and our
only advertisement that we have is by the
flashlight and
i have no idea
i mean having them on stitch
in my opinion that’s good for the
flashlights good for that company
no i met with
some people the
other day who want to read
they want to sell advertising
and on my podcast and they want to do a 50 50
split and i
might do that
sounds cool my feeling is that i’m
gonna have i’m gonna
bring in my own advertisers you know and i’ve got some
other people that i’m looking at
as far as advertisers it’s got to be something that i
think is valid some
and i’m just
gonna have them just advertise
the podcast and you can put it wherever
the fuck you want man put it anywhere i don’t care
what’s important to me is that it gets out
there which is exactly how
i feel i did
these shows in gotham
in new york this weekend
and i had fucking four hours
sleep in two
days i mean i was exhausted and i had to do two shows
but the fucking
crowds were so good it was so intense man and when i
asked them like how many guys listen to the podcast
it was like fucking 99
it was crazy like
it’s an audience of podcast fans now
it’s a totally different audience
it’s not just
stand up fans or not just fans
of mma ufc fans
it’s people that are fucking fans of the podcast
and so to me it’s
invaluable and the most important
thing is that
the most people possible can get it for free
but i completely see your argument
and i think you’re
absolutely right
to be upset that someone downloaded your
stuff and even if it’s just a little pop up banner
if you’re making
money off that it’s the same as the youtube argument
and that’s the thing
about it was
unless somebody told me
it was on there
i was never
gonna know because
they didn’t come to me right
yeah that’s not cool
it would be just as if youtube came and started
downloading your
stuff off tv
and putting it online well hey it was on tv it was free
but no it had ads
on tv and you know now you’re just putting in this link
the thing that the big hurdle
is when you
start making
money off of my shit
that’s the thing
but it’s like if people see me on tv they download
they put it up there i don’t give a fuck if you have
time players makes
money off your
shit windows
media player makes
money off your shit just by playing your
stuff you know
all this crap is just like just
how the internet works and you
keep saying
how the internet
works but this is
providing ads
if you open up windows
media player
there’s advertising all yeah but it’s windows
media player
it’s advertising and
application
stuff no no no
windows media player can only
download something that’s readily available for free
and you play
it from somewhere you have to download a file
then play it in windows media and
it’s providing a service yeah
i can already have people listen to my shit yeah
i don’t need
that on any
computer they can
listen to it
at billboards
brian let it go
i can’t explain rss
feeds brought you explained it a hundred thousand times
we know exactly what you’re saying dude and you don’t
understand that you
should get paid
for your work
you don’t get that for some reason
you feel like
like not when i
give it out for free now that you shouldn’t
brian they’re making
money off something that’s available for
free you can’t do that you can’t make
money off someone’s content
wait a minute
wait a minute
let’s go let’s go this route why are you talking
i’m trying not to you
like this
stuck up attitude man i understand i
watch nfl football on fucking nbc
i watch nfl football i’m not allowed to record that
and then go send
the fucking game out to other people and make
money off they
gave it out for free and then
they do give it out for
stitcher is a
player and you see
is a player nbc is free
brian and the
less rss feeds and
right stop repeating yourself
that’s why i’m trying to fucking stop talking about
what you say
has already been refuted by both of us we both know
exactly what an rss feed is
both known football is free on network
stitchers not selling
stitcher listen to bill
birds come here and listen to his podcast
the fuck they are they’re selling gaming on
free player
out that collects rss feed in
place right and they’re making
money no reason why
adam corolla greg fitzsimmons everybody wants to pull
their shit off of it
there’s no reason
everyone’s crazy
because everyone’s
crazy that they’re making
money it hurts
their itunes numbers
it hurts their itunes numbers
would cost them
money and everything
that’s a big
deal now you’re telling us what we’re
thinking i’ve been telling you for 45
minutes why i
take it off i know but it’s not like
stitcher is making
money off of your podcast and selling you into
their their servers they’re giving a free player out
it and that’s all what is the free player sell
brian huh what is the free player have on it yeah
it collects rss feeds off the internet stop stop
stop stop this rss talk
what is it have
like a podcast what
has podcasts
yeah it is podcasts are
as feed it has podcasts and it sells ads
it sells ads
it has has banner
popped up in the play ads
yes and sells it sells so
their services is and collect
see that they
want to listen to joe rogan
like stop repeating yourself
right stop asking me questions i can’t
talk anymore
about something
because you
guys don’t understand you are
yelling like a little child
you guys are
attacking me
no we just disagree
with you and we’re
using logic
and you’re getting
angry about it
i think the best
example is when
a baseball game
or a football game it’s on network tv that’s free
plug in a fucking tv
network tvs free
okay right you’re not allowed
to record it
and then start selling it
putting it on a player and selling it
you can’t that they have that
at the end of
every single
even if you include the advertisements you’re not
allowed to do that you can’t just have your own team
it’s a new format i
mean i can record the
thing and have some friends come over and
watch the fucking
thing that’s no big deal
but the second i start
charging people to come through the door
to watch this game and provided
you know all my friends didn’t have tvs
then it’s yeah then it’s like no you’re making
money off our show or taking that show
and like playing it at a bar
on a vhs tape and
costing people
and charging and
charging them yeah
you in trouble
i see your point
and i see where
brian’s coming from i know what you’re trying to say
brian i think you’re
just a little emotionally tied up in this argument
and not talk
anymore okay
well i’m trying to soothe
things over and not have you be a little
child here i’m not
now i’m considered a
child i’m a considered child now
you guys you guys
i can’t talk about it
i can’t talk
about it more
like i’m talking
my mom about
email right now
no it’s not it’s like we’re
talking to a child
i’m not being
condescending man like
you’re talking to your mom
email you clearly
are being condescending look you
could be mad
the fourth hour will be the best fucking hour
yeah we gotta go
four minutes
until it’s gonna
read this bitch
ride this bitch
right into the rocks
i know i didn’t
think i was
gonna problem with rush hour traffic
but we just
started stopping an hour ago
and somewhere
we’ve been talking
about stitcher
and internet
for this is
gonna be the
usual illusion one and two podcast listen
it’s all good
folks you know
i see brian’s
point i know
brian likes
stitcher and he loves the app
and i see what he’s saying
about if you put something out there people are
gonna take it but
i also absolutely see bill’s
point you can’t just download his
stuff and then use it it’s like
people who enjoy limewire
why wouldn’t you love limewire it’s
all free fucking shit exactly but
at the end of the day the service is corrupt
the beautiful
thing about the internet is that you can put
things out there and you can use
this format
to get more people to
watch your shows and get more people
but if you’re
gonna sell ads i
agree with you
you gotta get paid
i mean it’s no different than radio
it’s no different than
television it’s no
different than any
other service that you’re providing that people are
profiting off and that was my
thing as long
as they just came to me and just said listen we want
to put it on here we provide this service we’re gonna
self advertise
and we’ll give you a little
piece of it
yes because we know people aren’t coming here
to stare at our website
they’re actually coming here to listen to your show
that you produce and you create
i agree with
brian’s point
as an internet realist i totally
agree with brian’s
point that you put something on
an rss feed you’re just
allowing people to download it for free
and they can probably
pretty much do whatever the fuck they want with it
but they don’t know
short of trying to make
money out of it yeah i was
never i was never
no but we got
three minutes
but people sell heroin that
doesn’t mean it’s legal
three minutes
yeah we heard you bro
we’re gonna just have
three minutes of silence and see if you can cry
i know i cry it’s just it’s it’s it’s it
never i can’t even talk about yeah you can’t talk
because we don’t
agree with your point of view
there’s no i’m not upset you don’t
understand my point of view and then every time i try
to explain you said you’re repeating your
let me tell your point of view
right now you’re saying it’s my
fault for putting it out there
i put it out there and i put it on on this the rss feed
and that gives it out to anybody i’m not
saying it’s your
fault i’m saying if you
want to stop it then don’t have an rss feed out there
because that’s what it’s for hey if you don’t
want to get shot in the head don’t go out of the house
the end monday morning podcast is available on itunes
follow him bill burr
b i l l b u
r r on twitter follow redband
r e d b a n on twitter and the
death squad the death
squad podcast
is also available on itunes it’s with redband
and a bunch of different
comics sam tripoli
are shafira’s
got shows on it tom seguro’s got shows on it
it’s fantastic there’s
there’s fucking a new podcast almost
every day you’re doing like four or five a week yeah
and i have the censored you string video up
tonight sal’s
comedy hole
in la this wednesday year
round wednesday
wanna do a set
sure fuck yeah bill burrs in the house
sal’s comedy holds this shit it’s on melrose
it will sell out
quickly it’s only
about 80 seats
we do it almost
every wednesday
portland this weekend
oh no seattle this weekend
more theater almost sold out very few tickets left
don’t sleep
bitches awesome and we’ll see you tonight at
the smod castle
in hollywood
thank you everybody
thank you to the
flashlight for
sponsoring us show
go to joe rogan dot net
click the link
enter in the code name rogan get fifteen percent off
thank you to bill burr
thank you to
brian red band you know i love you crazy
bitch i love you
brian we love
you silly you
silly bitch you
silly bitch
i love all you fucks