The Joe Rogan Experience #95 - Bert Kreischer

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alright and with that said buckle up bitches

the Joe Rogan Experience

that black guy voice makes me uncomfortable dude

I’m gonna be honest with you

cause it’s not really a black guy

voice it’s a white guy talking like a

black guy which is

never cool which is it not even right it’s actually a

robot that’s

been programmed to be a black guy

what’s a robot that’s white

made by white people they don’t know how to do a black

voice I like Keira Knightley better

keira Knightley was better that was so hot

there’s something

about someone a black guy faking a white voice

is really completely acceptable

you know the best black voice

yeah oh dude what is it does it

weird you out though when you can call somebody on the

phone and you know that they’re black

when you’re talking to him

you’re like how would I describe this to an alien

you know how would I describe how I know this is a

black guy but I know it’s a black guy

I missed that laugh

there’s something about

that laugh brought to you by Bert Kreischer

ladies and gentlemen follow Bert on Twitter for not

your A R E I S C H E R

also known as Bert the Conqueror on the Travel Channel

which just started

right yep last week was our first episode first

week powerful

and it was a rating success great ratings and great

social media success social

media success was a brand new thing they track on

trend TV or TV trenders

and my agent sent it to me he’s like you conquered

and I was like I did he was like you were number 9

right behind the Kardashians well right behind

the fucking ass but it’s just me it’s me I literally

here’s my theory about promotion on Twitter

I think you have to promote with a joke

and that’s my rule

if you obsessively like like

like I told you the other day

Ralphie is just taking Twitter to a brand new level

thank you Brian Joe hasn’t seen any of it

I’m like how you dodge that bullet

that’s like show it coming out of my rack

and go they’ve been bombing in here

like it is like what Ralphie made

up to I guarantee you he tweeted the last 2 minutes

guarantee yeah I just added them and then already he’s

been Kevin Smithing me yeah

for people who don’t know

is it Ralphie

underscore may

I don’t know it’s him in that big orange jacket yeah

Ralphie underscore may it’s

whoa Jesus Christ he’s been on Twitter for

how long like a

week literally

literally a week

maybe a week and 1/2 and and and he had like 15 tweets

or like 20 tweets up

until then and I’m sure there’s a thousand now how many

tweets he has because for some

reason my my computer has gone back to the old Twitter

you know I was

using the new Twitter

you know the

the new Twitter site I don’t know how to how to

switch it up it’s not at the very top hmm

is it is it ralphi

underscore may

ralphie underscore May here I’ll just go into my

trend yeah and I’ll find him right away

what happened all

right he’s got a total of

what that can’t be

right he just

started using it

1082 tweets and he’s only been using

it a couple weeks god that’s

that’s true

true yeah that’s true

unless he’s got some kind of

he’s now Ralphis

defense in Ralphis defense he’s not

promoting anything

he’s simply arguing he hasn’t

learned not to argue with people yet

so he’s just

going back and

forth that’s something you really have to

learn too oh man

you have to

learn that shit

yeah I just I never

reply to anyone at all

and I promote I only promote with the joke so if I’m

gonna promote

the show I’ll do something funny

promote it I

think those get retweeted

I try to be as

I’m not always

funny if I find some interesting shit I just

throw up some interesting shit anything

anything that I

think is fascinating whether it’s

funny or not

and if I have

to promote something I promote something but

I always try to

treat it as if I’m always

aware of people’s

attention spans and anything interesting that I find

I give to Twitter


I’ll give it right back

you’re a different animal than say myself or Brian

who if we promote then people just delete us we like

enough of that shit yeah

people want to see

shit they don’t want to see our shit

and they want to see you

left and right

where the guy at the

where the guy that orgy fingering asshole you know

everyone came to fuck

where the guys just POW

even grosser I went to this one

guy’s Twitter I don’t mention his name because I don’t

particularly like him

but it was all

promoting some

special that’s coming out

and it was all like him

tweeting celebrities

using the exact same wording

just having a different celebrities

named hey Blank

hey you know whoever

Kim Kardashian

holla atcha boy my specials coming out blah blah blah

and it was his

whole Twitter was that is he an official

Twitter like

a verified account yeah yeah he’s very common wow

that’s somebody I wonder if that’s even almost like

an assistant that’s like no you’re supposed to be it

could be it

could be that or it

could be just someone who

doesn’t know how to use social

media and is an

annoying cunt

what’s his name rhyme with

we’ll talk later

I tweeted the Game on

Sunday like

an hour before my show

started the Game the Rapper yeah I was like

yo the Game you in LA I’m having a barbecue at my house

bring over some potato salad

but how it feels like if he does reply

you got a problem hoods on my shit son

here’s what I used to do okay

ready this was the my favorite

thing to do

I used to go on to

black centric 10

trend topics

okay black centric

type or whatever

the trend topic is it’s

gonna something there’s

gonna be one

that reads black

like like like

like mine was

V Day gifts for the hood

Valentine’s Day gifts for the hood and so I thought it

would be funny

and you know it’s all like very it’s

black people being

racist about

black people it’s just them writing like get her a

click clack you know she needs a gun in the hood

get her another

baby you know she’s already got 10 of yos

how about child support son

and so then I

wrote back I

wrote back how

about anything

dungeons and Dragons son

and no one got it

right no one

laughed at all and they

started getting mad like what are you doing in here man

get out get out white boy

and then I was like give me another

chance they said get out white boy

this is for the hood

don’t you read the

trend topic

and I’m like

alright how

about a classy pen

and they’re like

a classy pen

like what the fuck

and then I was

like alright alright alright one more chance

how about a bottle of champagne but you

spray it all

over like a hoe and they’re like that’s more like it

oh my goodness but

Tom Segura I got Tom

Segura on them

and sagura started

and I started doing them

and it was like I forget the one

I know it saved in my

phone but I got

Sagura on them and I was just I was like don’t

write anything

racist just

write very good


that you would think

one was things

black people Scared of

and then and this is so this is a

trending topic how do you

start a trending

topic if you want

the topic is

pound sign and then one word I’ll tell you what yeah

like whatever it is one word all in one word right

right now like what are

black people scared of

would be no

spaces all one word Charlie Sheen has been one

right winning

winning Tiger

Blood yeah and then

the trend topics

right now is

what’s dead in 2011

why can’t you just

so like I’m sure it’s like why can’t you just

pick up your

baby girl when you say to pick up your baby girl

and then this one’s

asked a little

twist okay see

this little

twist for your

fans I’m sure

I’m not I don’t

think he’s a scientist

I’m gonna say

he doesn’t teach much let’s Google

let’s Google Lil

Twist whenever

something like this happens I don’t want

people guessing a

child rapper

whenever something like this happens I get I

really feel so out of it man

when I hear

about this child born in 93

Jesus Christ

he was born when I was auditioning for Newsradio

I graduate that’s when he shot out of his mom’s box

93 wow I was

still in college

his name is Christopher L More

born January 11th 1993 better

known as his

stage name Lil Twist

he’s an American rapper an American rapper from Dallas

he signed onto Lil

wayne’s label

oh that’s why he’s Lil

Lil Twist lil

Wayne don’t know

rapper I don’t

understand little

6ft is what they’re

probably lil

Wayne is a fascinating

cultural icon to me I watch his

music and I am

completely perplexed and

it’s like a language I just do not

speak it doesn’t

whatever it is it just

doesn’t get me I don’t

understand it

they are fucking

he is huge man he is gigantic

massive he couldn’t be bigger

is he the biggest rapper ever

one of them he is he is the biggest rapper

he is the most commercially

successful rapper

right now I

think probably ever

but I feel like I

should give him another chance I feel like

there must be

some reason why I’m

here comes the

black in me out

his earlier

stuff is much better than his

later stuff

when he was with the hot boys

he was amazing I ran into him in Juvenile

him juvenile

and like they had a fan

there was 4 of them

out of New Orleans and his earlier

stuff he was good man

he had rhymes that

would blow you away wow

so now everyone just go on the little twist

ask Little Twist trend topic

and ask very insightful questions that you know little

Twist doesn’t have the answer for

just not don’t try to be

racist the whole goal is not to be racist

it’s just to be like

seriously do you think there’s you know

life forms out in the universal twist

and like just see what Little Twist is answers really

is an answer for that listen Little

Twist grew up the internet he might be

smart as fuck yeah

the thing about kids

today man you can never

underestimate them it’s not like they

don’t have the same access to information that we do

when we were

kids we were retarded because no one told us shit

we were figuring

things out like little

monkeys just wandering around our neighborhoods

but now there’s no more neighborhoods man there’s

the whole world man

those stupid

rumors that you

heard about

Dude I heard that

Rod Stewart

had to get his stomach pumped and there was 1gal of

sperm inside

you know like

those stupid fucking stories only

like lingered

and worked because we didn’t have anything else

you know that shit

would never fly through

yes yeah like

Richard Gill

which by the way I heard was

this is my herd

this is my rumor

I heard that that was


spreading that

rumor to fuck with him

because he left


yeah that’s why it hurt I

just I might have just made that shit up

what’s good to Google that so now here

I’ll tell you the so this is the trend

topic I started

was and this is what this

brings it back to our conversation yesterday

I started doing a trend

topic what will the maid

think when she sees this

that was the

trend topic okay

so then I started leaving a

hotel room in a manner so that the maid walked in

she would go what the fuck happened in here

okay now now you’re on your Twitter

right now I’m just

gonna tweet

these Joe and

I’m telling you when I say this this

might be my opus

okay this might be the this funnier

than anything I’ve ever done on

stage okay I

definitely think that

I’m on the homepage waiting so now and I’m

tweeting tweet

I’m tweeting the

first and there

I at signed you

so this is the and it’s

going chronologically

I’ve gotten much better as you’ll see

my later work

much like Lil wayne’s

did you say your

early inspired shit was really good I just

started getting to the next level

like Adam Richman

started doing them too and then he

started challenging me on Twitter

and then people were like

dude you guys are fucking and then I

started like really thinking out of the box

and I got into this Jackson

Pollock hyper

like tweet this shit son I’m trying to get all the

tweet in it

where the fuck is it it’s coming up right now

and so I got into this

manic state

when I was in New York to impress

and I was trying

to come out with them to promote the show

and I was getting

some good ones man like really fucking impressive

I mean like some good

shit I guarantee you there’s artists on Twitter that go

you’ve got great conceptual

boundaries or whatever it is what really

I’m telling you Joe is your artist on

Twitter that can

teach you how to

tweet up a fucking

tweet here we go

it’s coming up

right now sending tweet

there we go use your cell

phone service

cricket there’s the first one

there’s the second one

and the 3rd one

should be coming up to

oh my goodness here we go

all right here we go

what will the main

think when she sees this okay

blind clicking completely

blind okay I

click this oh

he’s got the bed made up look like a nun

now mind you this is my early work

wait you just

wait till you go through

and see how good my

shit has got

I’ll retweet it I’ll retweet it so you

can get it better that’s fucking beautiful oh there’s a

bunch of I’m telling you I’ve got more than I

could post right now

I just went

to is this how you

and now tell

yourself on the road oh

look at number 2

what’s that one the refrigerator

it looks like a man’s body

a torso with

clothes that’s hilarious this is my I’m telling you

meanwhile the real sad part is the man’s probably not

gonna see it it’s gonna be the next guest

yeah they’re gonna pass right by it

fucking maze like

cleaning that lazy

bitch she’s tired

I talk about this all the time but anyways the

3rd one doesn’t work bro

the 3rd link doesn’t work

I was go now go to the go to the latest recent

Twitter the converse of the APM

with toilet paper and

he fucking he made

a fucking doll this is hilarious this is

gonna take you

I was talking about 3 hours oh my

God 3 hours in a fucking

hotel room just whacked out with a bottle of wine

these are hilarious just

I retweeted the

first and let me retweet the second one this

hotel in Portland we are just in

I usually do the whole come

thing and I don’t

Joe I don’t really do that

I don’t really

normally do it as much as I say I’m not saying I

haven’t done that

but this time

I decided to do it because I was in bed and I was like

look I didn’t

want to wipe it on the bed I didn’t want to get out

so I threw it

kind of up behind me

and it went straight down on my

iPhone good

I hope it gave your iPhone

8 come karma

I hope your iPhone dies

do you think crazy

like my iPhone

starts getting a cough

we’re talking

about bird crushers

hilarious pictures you got to talk about

shooting your own logo what we’re talking

about hotels

no we’re talking

about some very specific

thing this guy’s doing it’s very hilarious

I love the birth of Conqueror one

Sunday at 8 p m My

office that’s

genius man that’s

genius I just

tweeted all

these folks

and if you’re listening to this

on the podcast go back to the day that we recorded this

which is April

5th on Tuesday 3 30 p m

Pacific time so if you want to find

those tweets because they’ll get lost in the mix

that’s hilarious

yeah they’re very

funny I feel like and then I was talking to Heffron the

other day on doing

radio and he was in Pittsburgh

and heffron’s like I love those

pictures I was like why don’t you do them he was like

he was like

you know I thought of it but I didn’t

wanna steal it like I didn’t

wanna do it and feel like I

stole it I go Heffron

and this is to any

comic listening I don’t give a shit

do it but you got to

tweet it to me because I want to see it

right I don’t want to copy your shit right

right so this is the

tweet it’s what

would the mate

what is the the hashtag

the hashtag

didn’t put the hashtag in there but what

would the maid

think when she sees this and that’s why

all one word all one word

what would the maid

think when she sees this and just

tweet it to Bert and let’s let’s fucking get to

his one is great the the guy was jumping out the window

yeah I did that one in Canada

last minute they all happen to the last minute

that’s hilarious

yeah so what’s the fucking

this one fangs look at this this

is ridiculous

that’s the one Adam Richman was like

he’s like you

cheated I go what do you mean I

cheated he goes

you’ve you’re fucking you got to use this shit in

the room and I go no I use the shit in the room that’s

towels napkins

and ketchup

and he was like what

the fuck dude you just owned him that’s why he’s upset

yeah you can’t compete with this I

would quit the game

if you were playing this game I’d be like

this guy’s playing this game way seriousr than I am

but you need

to have you need have a part on your website that has a

collection of

these because that if that becomes big

which I it seems like it would be

you need to be the center home base of that so you

should go home and immediately

did yeah yeah

travel Channel got a hold of it

no like they’re

like we love it we want to use it to promote the show

we’re gonna do a caption contest

we’re gonna do we want to

send them out

and then they

called one day I was in Mexico and they’re like

and I wasn’t

sleeping and they’re like

we need 7 more

I have 7 what the fuck do you

think I’m on meth

how am I gonna come up with 7

and they’re like just do it just do it and I was like

I couldn’t and I was sitting in Mexico

fucking no TV

listening to the Joe Rogan Podcast experience

on my iPad in bed with me in a pillow next to me

cause I couldn’t

I was having anxiety and I was fuckin

flipping out

and it’s like

it’s the best I put it on

low so I feel like friends are talking in the next room

puts me to sleep I just sit there

and then you wake up and you hear

dog dog dog

Joey fucking

he wakes me up every time

anytime he talks

more people complain

about Joey and his volume control

Joey Joey will lean back like this list isn’t his

problem is Joey

we got a fucking problem there Brian

this fucking cocksucker

and then I’ll get

right up in there and you’re like oh

Jesus Christ yeah

he’s someone I feel like I really missed I don’t even

think I want to meet him

like I just cuz I want to just have him be the

personality he is you know he is Joey you don’t have to

worry about meeting him yeah it’s even better

yeah you meet him and you love him you

he’s the most unique

human being I’ve ever met when he tells that

story about his mom I don’t like his

his stories he tells a

story and it’s he’s the best one of the best

storytellers cause

he leaves out the parts that make you stop and wonder

and then right when you’re wondering

he hits you

with the fucking joke yeah like he tells you the

story about like

the them playing cards was his mom gay

I don’t think so

oh I guess he was

I thought there were

lesbians in the story

but there and she’d go

shake your ham Joey

shake your ham

oh when he would dance

shake his hand

in his underwear

this sounds like a fucking

TV show like

I don’t know how this guy has not gotten a TV show

one of the most interesting guys I’ve ever fucking

listened he’s so

crazy that’s why

remember when he got pissed off

yeah for nothing

we were on the way to the gig

right and they were in the

lobby and the show

starts in like you know

20 minutes or 15 minutes whatever the fuck it is

and was so I’m headed downstairs dog

I’ve been waiting for you down here for 1/2 an hour dog

don’t leave me hanging here like this

I got don’t worry

about it the show

starts when we get there come on Dog

you know me dog I get

you can’t leave me hanging here like this dog

and he wouldn’t drop and he got

crazy it got to like the

like that times

5 more levels like

dog you have to give me respect

la la la like

get your respect

dog don’t make me

leave leave

me down here

waiting for your dog

what are you talking about Joey

I’ll take it

meanwhile I’m like

trying to discuss whether or not I

should tell him that I had to take a meaty shit

it took a little longer than I thought it was

gonna take look it’s not

like I don’t want to be on time for my own fucking show

all right we’re here no one’s dying

we’ll be there in 5 minutes it was weird

forever I’ve

known him for like

11 12 years now

maybe even 13 I

might have met him in

yeah might be 13 years fuck that’s

crazy he was drawing a

picture in the green room

while Joe was talking to some friends and he goes

Brian record this I’m like what

and I’m like okay so I

start recording him just drawing something

and then he pulls up the sign that says

Brian loves

Taylor Vixen who’s my ex I’m like

what the fuck and then he pulls out his balls and puts

his balls behind it

and I’m just like

Jesus Christ

man it’s like

Joey diaz’s balls

in a room that small is

I bet his balls are massive

massive you too

queer should go get a room

talking about Joey

Diaz the fuck

dog dog yeah

well what Joey did is he made a

funny video to

brian’s ex cause

Brian and made a couple of other

funny videos

he just he’s torturing her yeah I’m not

torturing her

Joey Diaz is torturing me then you’re sending him

well I’m sending him yeah

funny I think

she would think it’s

funny not like torturous not torture

I’m not saying torture like you’re hurting her

torture also means fun

you know I always fucking torturing her

doesn’t necessarily

mean you trying to hurt her yes she has an RSS feed

I don’t even know what that is

Brian shut the fuck up please

oh is this the

whole fucking Bill Burr

argument by the way

which continued onto Bill burr’s podcast and now

apparently under Greg Fitzsimmons podcast

shut up which is even more

ridiculous I was

so disappointed in Bill when I

heard him talking

on his own podcast

about it I’m like wow

you’re and then

here’s the worst part

about he goes

and I just wanted to say I won

yeah I tried

to talk to my lawyer

my lawyer said that I

could sue okay yeah

I won I was like

Jesus Christ

so many go find Bill

and give him a fucking hug

that guy it’s so ironic that Bill was talking shit

about people who

smoke weed if anybody needs weed it’s built by

oh he could

definitely use a bowl

fuck yeah because

he’s a very intense guy

but I always

assume that’s what everyone in Boston is like

yeah very similar

yeah it’s a hard place

that’s why comedy there it’s such a good

place to grow up and

start doing comedy because you

learn very early on to

appreciate people’s attention

spans because they will fucking boo you off the

stage with the

quickness you know

we did we did I did a show

and what was the comedy

connection comedy

Connection and

you all yeah yeah yeah

jamieson tour

it was me Billy Guardell

Steve Byrne and Danny Pevens I think yeah

and we had to do the show to get renewed like

do the show

to get the tour

renewed so and the tour was a dickload of money for us

right it was like

4 grand a weekend

for and all he had to do was 20 minutes

wow and Billy Gardell

was like Billy I mean this is I probably shouldn’t talk

about out of school about Billy but Billy had just

quit drinking and he’s sober now

but had just quit drinking like

that Thursday

and was like I’m never touching it

again and we’ve got to go and he’s fucking freaking out

and he’s like you got to close the show

and I got to follow like

3 guys that are all fucking bang bang bang in Boston

and I’m nervous

about doing well in Boston

because I kind of do

race I used to do a lot of race stuff then

and I was like fuck

and I just came out the gates and I was like

and just I just gave it

everything I had just Bam Bam Bam Bam

and then like 15 minutes

and I’m like fucking can I keep this energy going

then we fucking

and I had a good set and we got the tour

renewed but

of course just

fucking dumped on some

black guy in the

front row the

whole time he

loved it he was with a

white chick she had red hair

is that sound

weird when the girls like yeah

but that was yeah

that was my only

experience in Boston

boston’s a fun place

fun town too bad it gets too cold

never live there

again sorry

love you guys

I couldn’t live there

great place for comedy though

when you you live in a

place where it’s that fucking

harsh you know that kind of an environment

and now I mean it’s

but you think you know a lot of good

comics come

out of LA too so that argument kind of sucks

you’re from but don’t

start in LA

yeah some of them do who yeah

I’ve met some comics

started out here

holzman started out here didn’t

he he did right

I know I know guys who

started out here that are really good

it’s um I mean you can

start anywhere man I

started in New York

I did it once in


and then moved

right to New York did it in New York

and got my lunch

money taken

really fucking

quick yeah just

my first time ever on

stage this guy

Louis Schafer was like

I said I wanted to be a

comic so I and

it was it’s a long

story but my dad

gave me one of those

phone calls you don’t ever want to have from a parent

where he called me one morning on my birthday

I’m expecting a birthday

phone call and he calls me as like you’re pathetic

you make me sick to my stomach

well I’m embarrassed of you

you said you were

gonna be a comic you got

rolling Stone

wrote an article

about you and you said you were

gonna move and be a

comic and you’ve been there

8 months and you

haven’t done shit

and I lie I lie

about you like

judges say how’s your son doing

and I lied do you know what that makes me feel like oh

wow it’s my birthday okay

I’m sitting hungover on my

underwear on my

couch that I grew up on

in New York I had that up there

and my dad’s just like

and I was like

he’s like I failed you as a parent I

failed you you have no humility I don’t know what to do

just keep doing what you do I

guess get a fucking job

you have no humility I had no humility at the time

in what way

I just didn’t I didn’t have the

like I was like I want to be a

comic but I didn’t know how to go

about getting it because I felt like I was too good

to work the door or 2

you know does that make any

sense when I say that

I felt like I was too

I was I was too good to just get into the ground

level I wanted to be discovered I wanted to be hmm

what was what brought that on

I don’t know I mean that’s just I

think a lot of people are like hubris just youth yeah I

think a lot of people that how old were you 26

and also yeah and I was too

young to like

the open mic

scene was all alternative comedy

and like Dmitri Martin and I

started around the same time and Dmitri just got

welcomed by

them and I hung out and no one ever talked to me

and I was like oh

fucking great

so then I just hung out the comedy clubs and drank

in the back of comedy clubs you know what I’ve always

found ironic

about alternative comedy is that a lot of alternative

comics were like outcasts and

they felt like

you know they were kind of

you know nerds

or whatever you and meanwhile they are like the

least welcoming

the most and the

weirdest like backstabbyish

caddyish it’s very strange that you

would think that the people that were picked on

would be like really open and warm

and friendly yeah they

were brutal I

would go to

forget the name of the fucking surf reality

and collective

unconscious and I

would hang out try to do sets

and no one would

speak to me no one would

speak to me

and I would just be sitting there and Dimitri

would talk to me

and then he

literally would come

and talk to me and then walk away and talk to all them

and then come back and talk to me

and I was just fucking

but I never felt

like an alternative is that you though or is it no I

would try to talk to people

and whenever I said they’d make fun of me

like I remember they

would make fun of you like

first anything out of my mouth

they just go

okay okay and this is the

comics this is the comics wow

yeah because they wanted you to

feel uncomfortable oh they wanted me to feel horrible

wow isn’t that

weird oh it’s the

worst and then

I and then I go to

it’s so common though oh

oh go go I’m

I’m generalizing and I don’t want to do that but

go hang out at fuckin

I’m trying to think

about UCB UCB

and see how like

I know Tom said he went and did

they have a

comic book I did a set there once and I had a

great time I only did it once and I remember

somebody pointed me to a thread somewhere

where the people said they actually

enjoyed the show but

they were like what the fuck is Joe Rogan doing here

that’s so stupid

it’s weird but

you know it is but it isn’t

you know I mean

they’re expecting a certain

particular type of comedy that

maybe makes them feel good but your comedy is the same

that’s what really

upsets me I don’t give a shit personally

I’m not looking to get

spots at a comic book store

but I did a

comic bookstore

I just did one and he said he was

great I did it

for Duncan it was awesome

Duncan but Duncan

Duncan is kind of welcomed

yeah he’s welcomed

everywhere duncan’s a

genius he can

float between

worlds but what were you saying

so I had no humility that’s

what it gets to

and it was just I

would sit in the back of comedy clubs I think

so but this how does this

translate this is

where I’m confused

you say you have no humility at the time

you thought you were too good but yet here you are in

these alternative

rooms and everyone’s

treating you like shit

do you think they’re connected

I’m sure there were I’m sure that my perception of what

the status quo of comedy clubs was

perceived from way I’ve been treated

but I’d go to I’d go to

like the Boston Comedy Club of the cellar

and I’d say hi to Tell and Norton

right they were all cool but they won’t you know

they were also working comics

I was that’s what I wanted to be

and I think

my dad what my dad’s note was was my dad’s kind of guy

that if he wanted something he

would get it and he’d go

and he’d say the

this is what

I want can you please help me get this and I

would not that guy

just hang out the back of the club and go you know in

their defense

in anybody’s defense when it comes to hanging out with

new people man I try to be as friendly and as open with

everybody that I can new

comics I love talking to new comics

but man there’s

a certain point in time sometimes

in the middle of a conversation when you realize oh

I’m stuck talking to this dummy

yeah you know and

that’s annoying man when you have a good

group and a good vibe

you know so

maybe you came off like too loud or I didn’t say a word

really I was man I

maybe your stage

your act I went from this

what were they

judging you from I

never got on

stage so what were they judging you from

I was nice everyone liked me but

the alternative

people didn’t

but you must have

said a word because you said that they were mocking you

for saying anything oh the alternative comedics yeah

I’d go up and I

would didn’t know how to do

stand up oh

so you did go up on

stages of reality

and collective

unconscious but you paid 3 bucks

and go up at the end of the night

right like and

that was how

those rooms work back

right well then you can

understand why they didn’t want to talk to you

right I can

understand that they didn’t want to talk to me

thanks bring

back to the book I

mean that’s yeah

I mean we’re just I have to break down

everything that’s what

they weren’t

funny either it’s not

like of course

right they would

laugh at whatever they said because they

had said it

and it also

was a certain sensibility to

right yeah and my shit was like I was trying to be

funny in any comedy club

anyway you were trying to be

funny in any

Comic Con I was

trying to be

funny I didn’t know what

I didn’t know there was a difference in alternative

there isn’t

we were talking

about that before you know

about this guy that they were saying is the

founder of alternative comedy

and we both agreed like he’s not even an alternative

comic it’s just a comic

you know what does that even mean

you know who I

think was the

founder of alternative comedy

as far as I know if

it all came out of Boston supposedly it all came out a

catch rising star

it was David Cross

because David

Cross was doing like really

weird shit what about

Steve Martin

oh well Steve Martin is

an icon I mean

Steve Martin is a different

thing he’s not

what David Cross did here’s one of the

things he did let me give you an example

he put on a stretching tape

for like a warm up exercise tape

and then he

starts stretching

and talking on

stage about a stretching

and I don’t know why but it was silly

there was something

funny about it but it was

completely ridiculous

that he was taking this chance

to go on stage but

a lot of people weren’t

laughing but everybody had a smile on

their face like what the fuck is he doing it was fun

Steve Martin was a

comic he’s just silly

you know we

often did a lot of alternative stuff on

stage you know alternative

stuff like what like he

would do banjo

stuff he would do like that’s a banjo

alternative that’s not


he alternative

the idea of alternative is like hipster

it’s like nerdy

super smart you

know that’s what alternative comedy is supposed to be

like not too loud not too physical

Steve Martin is the antithesis

of that he’s the absolute opposite of what you

would consider alternative comedy

I can’t put my finger on alternative comedy per se

whether it is or it isn’t but I can put my

finger on what alternative

comics dislike

like I can go on the road and go shower this guy

would know like when you see guys on the road where

their act is just like

unbearable and you’re like holy shit well and I

think what they

think is that is the comedy

that goes on not in

UCB that is the comedy that’s everywhere

and that is like

I don’t think a lot

of them go on the road and see what you do on the road

or see what

the road’s like

well eventually the road becomes the same

everywhere I’m

gonna tell you that

my crowds are

sometimes more enthusiastic

in different towns but they’re all the same now

it’s everybody’s

they all know what I’m doing

so it’s not an

issue anymore

but when you’re

young and no one knows who you are

and you go on stage

you’re used to doing the

UCB and getting

those really polite laughs

and chuckles in the back of the room

with some witty

a reference that you made to some

fucking Dune

novel you know

I’m saying something

about the spice

and everyone in the

UCB thinks it’s so

funny do that shit in


Florida they’ll

throw bottles at you

motherfucker you know

there’s a problem with

you know when

no one knows who you are man that’s when it’s really

tough when you’re not

bringing in your own

crowd you could get really soft easily

if you’re a name and you know you have a

bunch of people that

come to see you all the time and you know they give you

so much love and they want you to

succeed they want to

laugh they’re not like

they don’t have any arms

crossed staring at you sideways

good comedies

good comedy I mean

Patton Oswald makes me

laugh I don’t give a fuck

what anyone says

he makes me giggle

you know he’s one of my favorites

first time I ever saw him on

stage he was like he’s really big in the alternative

comedy scene

and I was like oh really and then

he just murdered and it was an alternative it was just

funny yeah well

he’s big in the alternative comedy

scene because he’s a

comic book nerd and he loves science fiction

and you know he fits in physically

you know so

they accept him but he’s a

great writer

that’s what he is he’s

one of the best

this book is really

good I got it yeah

I haven’t read it yet but I picked it up so now

put it in perspective

now to get to what

to bring it full circle

if this is possibly

at all possible so

that is who I was in New York

in 1997 trying to fit in trying to

break my way into comedy

through having beers with

comics and not

fitting in an alternative and not

being having

the gumption or the gregariousness to

break in in the

were you doing sets

I don’t even know what the fuck I was doing

I was working out at Barnes and Noble

so you’re working at Barnes and

Noble no working

working out

this is bad like you do sets at Barnes and

Nobles working at Barnes and

Noble and then

working out during the day in the basement

like I was fucking

I got fired from Barnes and

Noble this is the worst

I was working at Barnes and

Noble and Aster

place no fucking AC

and so every day I

Would you ever have a job

where you lift

boxes and as you do

you’re like that’s not a bad that’s a goodbye workout

and you’re like oh

all right I’ll do a little bit of this

and if I do this all day long I’m fucking jacked by

by the end of the summer

so I’d go down to the basement

and you could take the freight elevator

I’m gonna sound like a psycho into 5 minutes

you could take the freight

elevator to the basement and no one

could get down there

cause you had the elevator

and so once I got to the basement

I take off my

clothes and

start working out

and just like do push ups

sit ups fucking

curls with boxes

whole books out into fucking

these fucking jobs front rows

and I work out and then it was there was no AC

so then I’d wait till I cool down put all my

clothes back on

get in the freight elevator

walk up and I just killed like

30 minutes when you have a job like that

to kill 30 minutes is a

it’s like fucking

come that much closer being Dover done

right right so I’m like this is and I’m eating ripped

you remember Ripful

yeah popping fucking

3 were fuels

every 3 hours

right oh my

God like a tweaker

running around

Sheldon travel books

going down to the basement

pounding like I’m in fucking just

and then come up

sweating like a

motherfucker with a name tag on just

and so like 2 weeks

into it my boss Dwayne pulls me aside and he was like

he was like hey man

you’ve been

spending a lot of time in the basement

and I was like oh yeah

cause I gotta get

travel books and that’s

where we keep them all down there and he’s like

yeah do you know we have

video cameras

oh my God and I was like

I didn’t know that he was like you’re fucking fired

and I was like wow I was like

Dwayne I can explain he goes no

I can’t I can’t have someone getting into

their underwear

in the basement

working out

to when they

should be working and then coming back up

and then interacting with people

and I was trying to be a

comic so I was trying to

think alternatively

and I’m on speed

which is fucking

so theoretically

like I would do

funny shit but it was

crazy if you didn’t

know me exactly

some guy told me the

other day we were doing a

promo shoot for HDTV

and I did a joke at the end of the day

like was that

funny he goes Bert

everything you do is only

funny if you

spent fucking 24

hours with you

and so yeah so I got fired

and then came home

wow that’d be

great to have that tape if anyone had Barnes

Nobles oh my

God that’s hilarious

his name was

Dwayne I remember he

asked me if I wanted to be a manager like

a week before that

and I was like no

and he was like what

and I was like he’s

like you don’t want to be a manager and I was like no

he’s like why are you why do you

what do you

want to do then I was like I want to be a comedian

and I was like

this isn’t what I do and he looked me dead in the

face he goes this is what you do this is who you are

you work at Barnes

and Noble don’t

think you’re better than us you’re not

whoa I was like

fuck I’m out of here soon

I didn’t know I was

gonna get fired but don’t

think you’re better than us yeah

there was a guy that I when I was driving limousines

that had that same attitude

he would get pissed at me if I wanted to go home

after work in 8 hours

because I was like I’m gone man I got I

gotta go I got a gig to do

and he was like hey yeah

8 hours is nothing around here you know a

lot of other guys doing 12 15 hour

shifts I go okay

good for them bye I’m

gonna leave

and he’s like

what makes you

think the job’s

gonna be in the morning

dude I worked

8 hours I gotta go I

gotta giggle

where’s your gig

so I told him

where the gig was

well the gig got

switched it was one of

those things

where it was

a little 100

gig or something like that and one of the booking

agents you know I’d called them up and he said hey

would you rather do this one in Connecticut

it’s pays 150

I’m sorry yeah yeah yes

would so he

switched me

you know and

moved me to this

other place

so asshole calls the

first place

and I’m not

there he goes yeah I called that fucking job

you went there

you know you’re a

liar I’m like no

it gets switched you fucking creepy

stalker prick

like I work

8 hours but his

whole attitude was that he wanted to keep me a driver

like he’s that’s what

they want me

escaping I can feel it yeah

a lot of times

I mean I think that I

think that goes

with everything

even comedy

yeah well sure people are haters man

a lot of people

it’s way easier for them if you’re a failure

way easier for

them if you’re not ambitious if you’re not like

when you’re a guy and

this poor fuck

was like you know he’s in his like late thirties and he

smokes cigarettes and he just looked like a broken

dream he had nothing

going on you know

and here he is a dispatch guy for a limousine

thing in Boston

where you’re dealing with a

bunch of fucking

savages every day

and you know he you see someone who’s 21

and just has all these

crazy ideas in

their head and I’m

gonna do this I’m

gonna be a comedian

and you like see all this energy behind this person all

these do you just want to

squash that

you want to throw

water on that fire

you know there’s a lot of people man the last

thing they want

to see is someone with with some sort of a

spark inside of them yeah

you know there’s

a lot of people man that’s terrifying to them

they just don’t want they don’t want to see that man

they don’t want to

see that they want you to fuck up they want you to fail

so they don’t have to compare

compare themselves to you unfavorably

and then start

thinking about what a fucking

disaster their life has been oh yeah

that was everyone that worked to Barnes and

Noble everyone’s

work to Barnes

Nobles broken there was one gay guy who had

come from Iowa and just come out of the

closet like move to New York

and then I think he knew he was gay the

whole time they got to New York and was like

I’m fucking

gay I remember him coming into work one day he’s like

I’m gay and I was like awesome he’s like no

I’m I can say it now I’m gay

and I’m so happy

and I was like wow

you man so you had to

hold on to it for the longest time

fucked so much that

first month

that guy he got fucked out of his

loft one night came back with a

black guy because he fell out a lot

as the guy was fucking him and

pounding him out of the loft wow

this guy fucked non stop at

first that’s

that’s so great

yeah so he was

in the closet just being awesome

into your sexuality

like to realize you’re straight and then

everyone in the straight community

is like let’s just fuck this shit out of this guy

yeah that what

happens in the gay community the straight community

doesn’t work that way they’re not really into you

switching teams

you know it’s like you used to play with

the Red Sox and now you want to play with the Yankees

what’s all that what

about that Red Sox Sucks

tattoo you got

uh but yeah

so then okay now full circle

so then I worked at

Barnes Noble

that’s who I was I worked at

Barnes Noble

out of comedy clubs

and so my dad

after that at

the end of that conversation I was like dad I

don’t want to embarrass you and I want to

I want tell me what to do

with my 26th birthday

wow he said um

you go to the club

and you tell them you

wanna be a comic and you do anything it takes to be a

comic and I go Dad that’s not how it works and he goes

that’s humility

that’s humility

you walk into that front door

you talk to the guy who runs the club and say

you’ll do anything you’ll mop up you’ll

stack chairs you’ll flip burgers you’ll

clean dishes

I go Dad they got a guy that

cleans dishes

he goes that’s what I’m fucking talking

about have some humility

go in and do that so I went in to this guy

Louis Schafer do you remember him

yeah the comic

strip no no that’s the Lucian

lucifer was a gay guy that worked

down in the Village who always wear a blazer and a

white shirt

yeah what do I

know what club

gay not gay

what club Boston comedy Club

right okay yeah so I went up to

Louis and I was like I want to be a comic

and Louis was like

this is the

night of my birthday and he goes

can I give you some

advice I said yeah and he goes go back to Tampa and

learn it there and then come

back to New York you’re in the big leagues right now

and I was like that’s I’ve already got an

apartment that’s not gonna work

and it’s like that’s

my advice and so I called my dad and I was like I wanna

he said to move back to Tampa and my dad goes perfect

go in tonight and give him the same

speech you gave him last

night and say

you’re gonna do this

until he fucking folds

and gives you a job

and so I was like all right

so I went in that night

like 7 said the same

thing to Louis and Louis said

god I did not tell you to move back to Tampa

and I was like

I go well I’m not

gonna do that I’m gonna keep

pounding you and he said okay if you can

stand out front

and bring in

20 people throughout the night

and then if there’s

still people in the room

after Godfrey goes on I’ll let you go up on stage

and so I was like okay

so that night

2 the fucking

3 people in 4 people in a Girl named

Karen Burgreen is on stage

4 Puerto Rican guys who I had brought in off the street

who were like one guy was going to prison the next day

or Sid I just brought

anyone I brought a guy in with ice

cream he has groceries and I brought him in I brought

everyone in the club

they’re sitting in the front row

and they make

Karen Burgreen cry and Louis

they go look karen’s crying

and so Louis goes up you want to be a

comic now’s your chance

so we went up grab

Karen burger and he goes all right you guys

ready for next comic and brought me on stage and

the only thing if anything that I could do was

light up for Puerto Ricans

and I got on stage and I destroyed these guys wow

one by one by one and when they talk I was be like

listen when it

says in my act the dumb Puerto Rican and rejects I’ll

point to you

and he and he’d be like oh

and the crowd was going nuts

and I was like how

many people in the

crowd besides them I was feeling the fucking

it was everyone that knew me I brought everyone in

it was like fucking a hundred

maybe a hundred people on a

Thursday night and so

they get up

and they leave the

place goes nuts

and this is my

first time on

stage in New York and I’m like

oh I’m like on a real

stage you know

and I’m like yes

I’m a fucking and then

I was supposed to do a joke and I didn’t have any jokes

and I was like fuck I bombed got off stage

and loose was like you got a job

and I was like what he goes come here

every night at

7 unlock the

place sit the

chairs up and

bring in people all

night long and I’ll give you a spot

6 months later

literally and this

brings it to Bill Burr

6 months later I get a development deal with Will Smith

do work in the door 6

months later like that and Bill Burr told me was like

it happens don’t feel guilty

everyone’s gonna dislike you

but I was like huh

did you get that did you get a lot of resentment yeah

yeah yeah a lot

but I didn’t care really because I was like oh you

sound like almost like I mean I love you man but you

sound like almost

like this hapless retard that stumbles upon

success I’m

the luckiest

guy in the world

literally but it’s not just that it’s your personality

is very endearing and interesting and you tell

great stories so it’s not just that you’re lucky

it’s just to be you and this is the same

thing when you were talking

about Joey to be Joey

it’s it’s you can’t be Joey and

market Joey

you know I’m saying

so it’s like who Joey is is Joey

you know it’s almost like somebody else has to come

along and find what’s what’s interesting about you

yeah you know but the fact that you like kept

going after it

you know and that you

started out in New York

in the Village

you know it’s like one of the hardest

places you could ever

start doing

stand up oh yeah I

think if you can

I always assimilate the 2 like

cause then I

moved to LA

so I got a TV show

and and then

tried to an LA and

a comedy in LA and it was just totally different

and I remember

Bobby Kelly came out he

was like I don’t fucking I remember bob’s like I don’t

have this fucking witty shit I don’t have witty shit

I’m fucking real I’m a

comic I’m a fucking New York

comic I go up and I talk and

I know he was

like I don’t fuck this witty shit I remember what

do you mean witty

I don’t remember

he just kept saying fuck this witty shit

I don’t have

witty shit I don’t have witty

jokes okay what I don’t know I remember that’s all

I remember to sit in the back of the improv with him

look man Joey Diaz

doesn’t have a witty bone in his body

but yes the funniest shit I’ve ever

heard but Bobby

doesn’t have

to be witty to me I consider the 2 difference I think

both are like working out

but New York is like working out in prison

where you’re like it’s just a fucking

steel bar with 2 cinder

blocks and you’re just kind of trying to get

sighs So you don’t get fucked in the ass in the shower

and LA is like doing like

tybo or like spin class

so you want

good you want to look good you want to look tight

but you don’t have to

worry about getting fucked in the shower cuz

it’s not as bad of course I’ve

never done it at the

store what la la

com New York comedy is like fucking

in your face like

the second you

stand up it’s not like an industry

crowd it’s fucking

a bunch of fucking Persians that are in

from Iraq and or wherever and then it’s a fucking

bunch of brothers in from Harlem

some kids from Spanish Harlem and they just like

fucking light you up

it’s a little more

aggressive LA is a little more you get up

I remember the first time

I realized I didn’t have any joke jokes like

I couldn’t just

start speaking

like I needed to interact with someone cause

that’s what

you’d always do in New York you just I mean it’s

your act is very organic because

you talk to someone hey

where are you from or

oh how’d you

get here I don’t know it just seemed like I

never did that even

when I was in New York

it seemed more I

never did that

when I was in New York I just did my act

really yeah I

never talked to the crowd

the only time I’d ever talk to the

crowd is if there

was a problem like you have to deal with something

or if someone’s just like really outrageous

I saw the guy

what’s the guy’s name who used to do make me laugh

do you remember that

the one on Comedy Central Mark

I have no idea was

on Comedy Central and

Jeff Ross is

always on it I forget the guy’s name really he dated

Sarah Silverman this guy

I saw him come to New York one day he was in LA comic

and he got fucking

stole like really

bad and I never seen someone bomb before like that

where he couldn’t

come back it was just bits

and he fucking

ate it hard

dude people are

gonna eat it they’re

gonna eat it

everywhere but that was everyone

in the club was like that’s LA comedy for you yeah

it’s not even it’s probably it was uncomfortable

probably uncomfortable and you know

got on stage with

an attitude or felt

weird when he got up there

that’s half of it man half

of it is being comfortable wherever the fuck you are

which is the best

thing about

having fans that come to see you having people that

know what you do and they’re coming to see you know

I know Burke Kreischer he’s hilarious I’m

going to see Burke Kreischer

as opposed to just coming to any club but

that’s how you develop your

voice too by doing

those clubs

then you have to always

think that if you’re doing

these clubs and no one knows who you

are and you’re trying to get them to like you you know

there’s a danger of

maybe becoming something

that you’re not because you want them to like you you

know because you want to be

more successful like it almost like it hinders

your ability to become yourself on stage

you know what I’m talking

about yeah I

think so I mean how many guys have you seen that

do a tell when they go on

stage a lot

a lot right

and why are they doing

it well they’re doing it because they know it works

the note works and it’s successful

it gives them

a charge when they’re in the audience like they

react to his cadence

and then it becomes really catchy

and then you start to

start doing it even almost subconsciously

because you’re just trying to be effective

you’re just trying to be effective up there

I used to I mean I used to

steal from Mattel

when I was young so I didn’t know how to

write a joke

and you just be like how the fuck

would a tell tell it

right I remember my

first joke was you know what cops hate

when you touch

their faces

and I was just like that’s a Nutella

it’s a Nutella

fucking setup punch

it is yeah oh yeah like

he said that already

no no no no I just always thought that in my head

like oh I see

what you’re saying so you imitated him I just

would I would emulate

when I’d write a joke I’d be like I got a

funny premise

because I was hammered on a flight to Scotland

and a stewardess

was trying to cut me off and I knew she was

cutting me off and I didn’t want her to say anything

and so I just went took

my fingers to her lips and I

like I didn’t

want her to cut me off and then I got really cut off

this is well before 9 11

and so I told

Patrice that happened and Patrice

like that’s funny joke

because the

second you touch someone’s face

you take all

their power away

like you touch someone’s face it fucking just

and he was like you

gotta fucking tell it so did you actually

touch your face yeah don’t

touch your face I was so drunk

going to Scotland from LA

wow and I just

went so what happened when you touched her face did she

freak out no she just was like

all right you’re done you’re done

and then and

then served me another beer at the end of the day

like while we were getting a land she gave

me another one really I’ve been cut off plans a lot

really you never been cut off on a

plane never

never what’s the cutoff amount like

would like you

gotta be obnoxious

for no no no I’m not the

least obnoxious

drunk so it’s not it’s a number it’s for yeah

for they won’t

serve you more than 4

drinks is that in first

class as well no

first class is totally different they let you ball

yeah if you put the figure you get control

I’m a pro at it now

yeah number one

if you’re a big

drinker on planes this is how I do it

don’t speak

ever speak don’t

speak to anyone

just if you want to

drink tap your cup just

dude you’re an alcoholic

okay maybe I am you’re not talking

just so that you can get more alcohol

yeah on planes I have a hard time flying

I have fucking massive anxiety flying

you telling us before the show that you have anxiety

right now I have horrible anxiety

yeah cause you seem a little

like revved up

today yeah like you’re having a hard time like staying

calm yeah because I

gotta go skydiving on Saturday

and so that’s in the back of my head like

the concept of so is that fucking with you

while you’re talking

like do you hear it in the back of your head you’re

going skydiving

no if I got the right

yeah Bird is the only one

right here that’s not high so

he’s not on the same

frequency as

Brian and I

Yeah I would totally

have you ever gone skydiving

no I’m not really into

dying like that if

you would I’m sure it’d be fun as fuck

but you know there’s

I know 2 people

that know people that have died including Brian

brian’s dad was supposed to go skydiving with this

woman and yeah she flattened out

boom hit the ground

you know another

thing I heard

too that I don’t know if this is true or not I

think we already talked

about this but like how when you’re skydiving

it’s really hard to breathe

because it’s so much air

so the whole time you’re just going

like you’re just trying to breathe

you’re focusing so much on

brains starting to sweat

yeah no it’s just really don’t

bring up how hard this guy’s

sweating like a pig

he’s really

sweating man I’m really sweating

right now I’m

thinking about it

it is hot in here yeah

yeah it’s not that hot in here you guys are both fat

I will definitely

see what’s going on right here

so you really knew someone who died skydiving

yeah yeah I knew

someone else

from some friends of mine in Houston

there was a

bunch of guys that skydived and

I didn’t know the guy he told me his friend died

and then brian’s

story that’s 2 the 2 is enough was he tandem

I don’t know I don’t know what happened I

think he was solo

you know a thousand people that probably died in

or knew people

that died in car accidents though but you

still drive a car

I don’t know

a thousand people that have died in car accidents

that’s a that’s

Jesus Christ

I mean like family and NASCAR

I’m saying if you’re

going by like person that knows somebody that died

you know like it likes

you have friends

that know somebody that died in skydiving and

what would be the difference probably

what are you talking about

what would be the difference between

those 2 skydives to get to work A

and B You don’t skydive

every fucking

day of your life

I mean I’m not not skydiving because of

people dying and that’s the last thing really

that’s the first thing I’m thinking of one

more thing I would feel

if I’m pulling that

thing and the

parachutes not coming out and I see that barn

and I know I’m

gonna make a fucking

Scooby Doo hole through it

the shape of my body with my outstretched arms

boom and it’s

gonna hit the hay

and I’ll turn into a bag of jello and broken bones

splat and basically just inside your helmet

is all just broken

smashing you’re

gonna be fine but it’s

gonna suck the height

things are you scared of heights

yeah me too but you’ve been on roller coaster

stuff you’re

gonna be strapped

into somebody else also a professional hopefully I’m

gonna go tell well you must

be you have to you can’t

you can’t just do it on your

first time they don’t want you to

panic and just

just shut off

so I’ve been

stressing about that like

crazy that’s

freaking me out oh

fucking nightmare

this show is a real mind fuck for you because you

have to do a lot of dangerous shit on this show yeah

we were doing a concrete toboggan race

where you get a 300

pound concrete toboggan

put 5 kids in it

and then you race it down a mountain

against another team who has a

or 300 pound

concrete toboggan

what and you go 40

miles per hour no steering

and you just

fly down a fucking mountain how do you stop it

they have brakes they have brakes

it depends on

where your brakes are

on the thing

you may just fucking flip it oh

Jesus it depends

it’s a nightmare

the 2 people before us the

group before us guy goes

they’ve ragdoll it they hit a berm

ragdoll it dude

breaks his femur

girl breaks her arm in 2

places and all the bones in her hand

and then they go are you

ready and I was like what my cameraman’s like

dude a broken femur is a game changer

it is it’s a life changer

fuck yeah people

lose their legs sometimes because they

when they try to reattach it

put the femur back together

you can’t get a

blood supply going

so it gets gangrene

people lose

their legs from femurs

but yeah that was like one of the

things I mean we went

shovel racing in New Mexico

do you know what I mean

what’s that you just sit on a shovel

and go down a mountain at 70

miles an hour

Jesus Christ just sit on a

shovel and then just

and hope you don’t die

and just sit back like this how

fast we going

I definitely didn’t get 70

but guys are

going 72 7070

miles an hour on a

shovel on a

shovel no brakes what

kind of hill are you dealing with

here a fucking blue slope

like on a blue

slope on ski

it goes yeah blue diamond it’s

it goes green blue and black

and want a blue one that’s like been

shaved and like salted

and they’re just

and you just are flying so that noise

basically the lose

oh it’s it’s exactly like a lose

and but but with less

like less control because you’re

a shovel and

the rods just

sticking between your legs

it’s been I’ve

learned a lot

about myself with anxiety through this show

like I’ve learned 1t

but I still

I I’m still

dictated by my anxiety

like in what way

like there’s certain foods I won’t eat

cause I know it’ll fuck with me in the middle of the

night I would just wake up and have an anxiety attack

certain foods

trigger anxiety

my stomach my stomach

dictates my anxiety it’s

heart palpitations like some foods like onions and

stuff I know

makes my heart beat a little

crazy here and there for me it’s

spicy foods

with spicy foods too

onions make your

heart beat weird

spicy food like the

other night when

my shit was all jacked up from eating

those jalapenos a

stuffed jalapeno oh I

can’t fuck with jalapenos yeah

it fucks it fucks my stomach up

which then fucks my heart up

which makes me like

fucking like

conscious of my

heart and then I’m like

freaking out

whoa yeah you don’t get any anxiety

not about that stuff

was have you ever had an anxiety attack no

never no it’s weird

really yeah

like really

weird here’s what

wait a minute it’s not really

weird to not have an anxiety attack no I mean

like most people I thought always had like I didn’t

know I don’t

think I don’t

think that’s true at all

like you were saying I’ve had some

let me clarify I’ve had some

paranoid moments on weed for sure

I’ve had some moments but I

think those are very important I think

those are the ones that make you reevaluate yourself

I don’t like I like

those I don’t even

like knowing myself I like being scared as fuck when

it comes to

that because

no no no no it’s not anxiety because I’m not

panicking I’m just terribly terribly

terribly aware of

everything and

it’s not a panic attack it’s just an acceptance of the

whole picture

it’s never where I don’t feel like

I can handle it or I’m going to

freak out or my

heart’s beating too fast

it’s never that

it’s just the humbling aware

feeling and

awareness of the big

picture you know

I like that

I think it’s very important that

people take drugs to get away from that feeling not

me man I go into it I run into it that’s what the tank

is the tank accentuates any feeling that you’ve get

have you ever been too high and like

freaked out

I go in the tank when I’m too high

the higher I get

that’s the more I want to get in the tank

because you face it and

you come out of it and you always

learn something always

I always know more

about myself

I always know

whether I’m on the

right track as far as like you know

is there anything in my subconscious

that’s fucking with me

is there anything

that’s bothering

me yeah yeah yeah I go

right in there man

see I’ll obsess

about anything

if you can if

you can give me if you can give me something

I’ll mull it

over my head like when I jump off the stratosphere

I literally

was up the night before

throwing up in a bathtub

right but do

you feel like you making progress with all this

crazy critical yes

I am I’m definitely making progress

but like I’m

definitely making progress right

but I still

I think the stratosphere by the way is

gonna be a lot scarier than skydiving

really yeah because you’re

gonna be able to see

like a kind of like a

point of distance or I mean like ain’t you

crazy nobody died on the

stratosphere someone

said skydiving is

you’re so far removed from what the distance is

that it doesn’t

freak you out

right what no that

makes total

sense I mean if you’re

standing on top of a really tall

building you can fucking

see that you’re really high up because you can see

other things at the same

level or below or higher

so it gives you more of

an idea that you’re really high up

reference point

you know plane

sure it’s high but it’s also like almost like

cartoony fake like

if you’re retarded

I don’t know man to me it looks like a goddamn

plane flying 30 000 fucking feet above the

earth he’s just

going 16 it’s just

gonna take a long time to hit the ground 16 000

so you hit the ground quite

twice as quick

and it’s one of those

planes that just falls from the sky

every now and then

those skydiver

planes what kind of a fucking

plane can you

open up a door in the middle of the flight yeah right

that’s a drug

plane right I

think you’re

gonna be fine

those are drug

planes man if the

pilot has a mustache you

might be screwed so

drug planes

crash all the time dude you ever see that one that

crashed in Mexico

4t of cocaine

inside of it that ran out yes

CIA plane CIA

it’s fucking one of the

greatest stories of all time CIA

plane headed

went to Guantanamo Bay

on 2 separate occasions

clearly a CIA

plane 4t of cocaine in it

crashes in Mexico

Mexicans won’t let them refill

cause they know what the fuck they’re doing

by the way Portland

was fucking amazing have you been to Portland

actually he was saying that I

wanna I’m going

this year I just don’t know well they

Portland didn’t have a

major comedy club

for the longest time so it was hard for

comics to tour through Portland

but then they just put this helium place in

I done Portland before I did a theater there and it was

great but this was really fun because we got to do

3 nights you know 5 shows over 3 nights

everything sold

out way in advance it was all podcast fans

you know and that’s the thing that

Brian and I’ve been talking

about a lot lately and I was talking

with you about in the kitchen

everything has

changed it’s

completely different

you know the people

that are coming to shows are way more enthusiastic

it’s way different you know they know you better it’s

a crazy experience man

do you feel like you have more of a chance to riff on

stage than you used to

don’t know man i’ve been cutting my my sets down

an hour and ten minutes and

just you just you guys

something one podcast that made me that re

made me reevaluate

everything i do on

stage yeah but

50 minutes someone

said 50 minutes jim norton

did that norton

did 50 i saw him do 50 in austin and

he made me think

because i do a lot of i was doing a lot of long sets

where i do this question and answer

thing at the end

but the problem with the question and answer

thing is that

it doesn’t have

the same pop as the regular show and so the show always

would kind of end on some

weird note like i’d be

crushing for

an hour and then i’d do this question and answer

thing for an hour and then people

would be tired so

the experience of a show was not the same

you know and i thought i was

just giving him more show i thought i was being more

generous and giving him

more show but i realized the best way to do it really

is to give him an

hour hour and

10 max and just

smash it just come out of the gates gun

and i’ve been

doing that for like the last people getting

standing ohs

those last all

those shows in portland i

mean instead of like because i saw it to it kind

of like a fizzle it was it just kind of like shows over

now here’s this

other thing

and then people forgot

about the show they were

kind of doing exactly

and it was just

but now it’s just like fucking roaring you know

those people

want to come back they’re telling all

their friends immediately

instead of going oh yeah it was good last

night yeah they were all

standing ovations

it was awesome

portland was fucking awesome

never had a

place where people handed me more weed

never dude i

dunk of weed when i got home i was wearing the same

pants that i wore the show

the show the

night before

and mrs rugby was like you fucking

stink like weed

is my pants i took a shower

and she goes i can

still smell in the bathroom

and then she goes your

pants she goes what did you

smoke your fucking pants

they smelled like

wheat it was ridiculous

it was just from people blowing

wheat on me and joey and then when we’re in the

green room joe

i remember when i kept on staying at the airport like i

smell weed it was my

pants no it

might have been

that too but i do too bro i opened my book bag up

and there was a bowl

there was a joint and

a bag of weed in the sink

secret pocket i didn’t even know existed

and i’m like holy shit you know what i

would have done i

would have pretended i didn’t know you and i

would have ran

the opposite direction

i need to go home and see my kids dude i can’t be

going to court for

you jay and

jay and i one time were flying to vegas

and we’re in my car

we’re sitting in my car

and we have a bag of weed and he’s like just bring it

and i go i don’t

want to because i don’t want to go through

security with it

and he’s like

it’s fucking

vegas do you

think anyone’s

gonna check of

course it works

it’s why the

worst and so i was like alright fuck it so i

throw it in my bag

we go to leave we

start walking

and the last

minute i fucking

go hold on and i take it on my bag i

stole in the car and i’m not fucking

bringing it i’m not

bringing it

so but i don’t tell jay i’m just

like fuck it i’ll deal with it when we get to vegas

so we go through security

and as we go through security they pull me to the side

and then i said we’re

gonna need to

check your bag

and jay thinks

yeah i have it and i

start laughing


cause i know

that i that he

thinks i have it

right and then the guy is this tall

black guy jay is

standing right there

he goes what are you

laughing at sir and i go

i almost traveled with weed

but i left it in my car

and jake goes you didn’t

bring it i go

no it’s in my car and that guy was like

you have weed

where’s your car i was like i’m not

gonna tell you

you have weed

where’s your car

you have weed in your car and i was like yeah but

i’m not flying what kind of a

tsa bullshit fucking question is that probably

going on his

break soon going

into the car

yeah he wanted

to scare you into giving up the weed

i got walked into

brave stadium

and i said to the lady

just out of curiosity

it’s the moments that you don’t have drugs

you want to find out

how it would go down if they busted you

right and i said to the lady i said she was

checking my fanny pack

when i firmly believe in fanny pack

fuck yeah give me some

knuckles on that shit

yeah here’s what

i’m getting mad at all this what’s dead for

2011 the fanny pack will

never die okay because i’m not trying to get laid

so fuck you they’re so convenient sensible

they’re right

there all your shits

right there exactly and i love wearing them

i love i love if people

think they’re dorky good

especially if you’re

married and have kids it’s awesome

before i was

married with kids kid how

about i never stopped wearing it

how about i wore that shit in the 90s

people were giving me shit on the message

board in the 90s for wearing a fanny pack ugh

i don’t give a fuck

if you’re very

successful and it

doesn’t matter brian

you look at

you look at you riding around stop and

think about

the level of

pussy that you get on a regular basis if i was you

could still rock a fanny pack and pull it off

trust me kid

alright that

would probably get you more pussy

it would probably get you more

pussy cause you’re like this


doesn’t care he’s wearing a fanny pack

why don’t you wear pink converse all stars too

women that’s one of the

things that

women like more than anything is a guy that can

be himself that’s why she knows who the fuck you are

instead of you

going out and pretending to be some different person

no matter where the fuck you go

women know when they can

count on you

they know when they can

count here’s

brian’s gonna be

silly stash not the tent exactly

go fucking porn

style a big

big fucking

twisty one so

there’s a list that just got

released talking

about checking you at the airport because this

is amazing it’s the department of homeland security

and they put out this

the following characteristics it qualifies a person for

potential domestic terrorist

and i put this shit on my twitter because it’s so

ridiculous expressions of

libertarian philosophies

bumper stickers or

statements like you

might be a fucking

potential domestic terrorist

because you

think that people

should be able to do whatever they want to do

you think that


ideology is better than republican or

democratic ideology

amazing you have a bumper

sticker so you

might be a domestic terrorist

if this was just some

crazy asshole that ran some website

some right wing website but this is like

giving people instructions look out for

second amendment oriented views nra

or gun club membership

jesus fucking christ

what you can’t go hunting if

you want to

shoot your own meat

instead of getting it from some fucking


you’re a potential domestic terrorist

because you believe in the rights

to keep guns

you think that

adults should be able to have guns just like

adults can have

fucking cars okay just like

adults can have a lot of shit that can fuck you up

yeah people

should have guns

that’s why they’re here

they’re here so

a you can shoot people that are bad

and b you can

shoot animals and eat them okay

it’s not a fucking potential terrorist

issue i would

almost say i

would argue there’s no

connection between people who own guns and terrorism

hmm i don’t know

about that i

would say almost a

hundred percent

i mean the guys that

fucking flew

planes in 911

that’s just because they couldn’t get guns on board

no no check

guns exactly but what’s the

where’s the connection

where do you

draw connection between

someone who owns a gun well

the idea is that people want to

overthrow the government you know so they’re thinking

about they’re

thinking well

what they’re thinking

about people who

rise the fuck up and realize this goddamn corrupt

government that’s running this country

needs to be held accountable for all

their bullshit

i finally finished

watching that inside job last night

fuck i had to turn it off the last time i

watched it i

watched it for an hour and

i’m getting

angry for no reason and i had to shut it off

but i finally

watched it all last night

it is maddening it’s all

about the financial collapse it’s not inside job

you hear like that you

think 9 11 it’s not

about 9 11 it’s all

about the financial collapse

and it’s all

interviewing all

these economists

and all these people that didn’t predict it all

these people that fucking profit from it

and it talks

about one of the most disturbing

things is how corrupt

economics has become the

study of economics at

the university

level because all

these fucking guys who are

teaching economics at harvard

and columbia

they all wind up working for the presidents they all

wind up working for governments and they wind up

going on these speaking


where they’re making millions of dollars

and they showed this like how fucked it is

that everyone is just

stealing and everyone is getting

away with it because everyone is protecting everyone

everyone is making

sure that no one has held accountable for all this

fucking incredible movie man

matthew matt damon

matthew damon

is a narrator

and it’s really good if you want to get

crazy go and

see how fucked up this country is and how fucked up the

unfixable foundation of this country is the financial

foundation of this country it’s

nuts it is amazing that it works at all

and these motherfuckers that got

bonuses man

just the brazen

ash holishness

to ask for hundreds of millions of dollars

in the middle of a

gigantic financial collapse you were at

least partially


for and the fact that nobody holds them to the fire

it’s nuts man it is one

of the nuttiest documentaries i’ve ever seen in my life

wow this guy who’s running the documentary

too he’s asking some of the questions one of the guys

and he catches a lot of

these guys like one of the guys that worked

for bush and you

know he was

an economic

advisor for bush and he’s also for

the thing he believe he

teaches at harvard

and they caught this guy and they were

talking to him and asking him questions and you see

the frustration when they’re hitting him with

logic and facts and like how

could you not know and then

they’re hitting him with all this information

about things that he said and how

wrong it was

how did you

think that this economy was

stable why did you

think that these

funds should be

rated at double a

meanwhile they

crashed the very next day

i mean it’s just nuts man

they’re just

stealing it’s incredible it’s like

everyone is

stealing so it seems like

they can get away with it and they can keep doing it

no one’s asking for anybody to be held accountable

it’s really weird man

i mean we’re in the middle of like a

giant trillion dollar heist

and these bankers have

literally ripped off everyone

it’s one of the most incredible things i

think i’ve ever seen

and it’s really explained in detail

when they talk

about it from the

point of the

stock market and

where people were banking on

things to fail yet selling them

and promoting them with

their clients

wow it’s it’s amazing i mean you have to

watch it like five or six times i

think to really

wrap your head around how fucking complex it all is

because the the

whole financial

system is it’s almost intangible

it’s like it’s

there’s nothing there like as you get deeper and deeper

into and try to figure you try to pick something up

there’s nothing to grab

yeah it’s really

weird man but it

drives me fucking nuts

if the movies any indication

of this conversation i

think i’d be lost within the five

first five minutes

yeah i can i try to

always have a six year olds



like span of listening to shit

i’m just so i’m just so fucking

have frustrated a reader

yeah pretty much yeah like as a kid did you read

yeah i never fucking read really

never first book i ever read was

like really

read like bought it and and for myself and said i’m

gonna read it

was naked and

by david sedoris

well i used to read

when i was a kid i used to read a lot of fiction

and then i started doing martial

arts i read a lot of martial arts books you know

i read a lot of books on strategy like you know that’s

where i first read

the book of five rings

which became like it’s

this is the

tattoo that i have this is miyamoto musashi

fighting a tiger

and the reason one of the reasons why i got that

tattoo is cause

i read something when i was a little kid

that really

sunk into my head

once you understand the way

broadly you can see it in all

things is what

he said and the idea is that once you find

greatness in anything whether it’s

painting or

sculpture or

music when you find

something you just nail it you get to the core of it

you understand what

greatness is and you can see it in

everything you can see it not just in

your chosen

field but in

everything and it really is like a way of

you know of channeling brilliance and it made me

think that as i was a kid that if i just really

threw myself into martial arts i

could be successful at life

because even if it wasn’t martial arts that i

wound up pursuing

there would

if i could get

greatness if i

could really figure out what

greatness is if i

could really

understand the way really tap into it

i could transfer that on to my life

which has actually been true

do you think you’re better at comedy or martial arts

i don’t know man and i’ve

never even thought about it

it’s not even something that i

would think

about it’s all

you’re better at whatever

you put the most attention to no but it’s really that

simple like the

first time like i was a big baseball player growing up

and i remember

playing baseball with guys that went on to go pro

like i caught brad radke

who was a pitcher for the twins

and i remember

playing baseball with them all growing up and the way

the parents looked at him playing baseball i remember

thinking like no one looks at me like that and

no one’s like pulling me aside like

hey great gamer

day pert like i

still made all stars and i

still got recruited to play

like at a high

school but i

never had the i

never had that it that

and then the

first time i did

stand up i was like okay

that’s the it like i got that it

this is what

the similarity

for me it’s probably just the opposite

really when i

first started doing comedy

and i was leaving martial arts i was really

good at martial arts and not good at comedy at all

and i had to

reinvent myself because

as a martial artist i was

a four time massachusetts

state taekwondo champion

i won the us open

i came in second

place in the us cup to the current national

champion who fought in the olympics

and i was right there

and i was really

young i was 20 19 at the time

and then 21

i had a couple

fights i started kickboxing when i was 21

that’s what fucked up everything

and that’s one

of the reasons why i stopped competing is because i

started realizing that there was a

bunch of holes in my martial arts game

because i was just doing one

style of martial

art which was taekwondo

and when i switched from taekwondo to boxing

and kickboxing i realized there’s big holes in my game

and then so then it made me

not respect

taekwondo as much as an

individual martial art

and then competing in taekwondo

seems sort of

ridiculous to me

because well now i know

that i’m vulnerable to punches

so now in my mind i

would have to

start kickboxing because

otherwise i

would be practicing something that wasn’t as effective

so then i started

kickboxing and i realized okay there’s not even any

money in this what the fuck am i doing

you know what am i

gonna do i’m gonna

run a kickboxing gym

and you know

i’m gonna have

brain damage

i was looking at my future and i was like i

gotta figure out what the fuck i’m doing to you

i was 21 and i was

jesus doing

comedy at the

same time don’t have that kind of insight at 21

keep going keep going well

mostly because no one raised me

no one cares this time

left in the streets like

a wolf i mean my parents both worked and by the time

they got home it was six o’clock and

i was over at a friend’s

house or something i was a

wild kid did you own laundry

yeah it was a different time man

when i was little man i was like

seven years old i used to do a fisherman’s wharf i used

to in san francisco i used to have my own magic show

i used to walk

down the street

by myself with my own

thing i was

thinking of

seven or eight

and i had like a little

magic show that i got for christmas and i would put

a fucking hat on and a cape and i’d set up a

stand that i

would do a show

by myself no friends no one with me

completely by myself

this is a different world

that people

lived in back then you can’t let a fucking

eight year old out of the

house by themselves

today that kid’s

gonna get raped

and killed too bad you didn’t know little joey

diaz at the time i know i wish

that’s for you

we were good buddies we

would have had a fucking awesome show joey and i

would have been best friends from the moment we met

i was best friends with joey the moment i met him

i would have

been best friends with joey if we met when we were six

so now you’re

so so i realized

i had thrown my

whole life into martial arts from the time i was 15

until i was 21

but when i was 20 i started

teaching at this

place in revere

there was a nautilus

fitness place in revere

and they had a big

extra side room it was a really big nice room so we

started teaching

taekwondo there and i opened my own branch of the

j kim taekwondo institute out there and that’s

where i met this guy joe lake who was a boxing

coach and he’s coached

some ufc guys like marcus

davis and he’s a

you know it was really really good boxing

coach and a

great guy and he became one of my good friends

and he taught me how to box

when i started boxing i

started realizing like man i’ve got

all these holes in my fucking martial arts game

like at taekwondo

i was really good at taekwondo but you added in

boxing and then

eventually leg kicks and

i’m like man i got a lot of fucking flaws in my game

so it made me

not want to ever compete in taekwondo

again and then

since there was so much work to do to become

a competent

kickboxer and then it was like well what i’m

gonna do become

a boxer because if i become a boxer now i’m really

starting almost from scratch

i mean i’m a rudimentary almost you know

beginner boxer and then i’m

gonna what am i

gonna start

fighting in that way because that’s the only

place i could get fights

because you couldn’t even get boxing or kickboxing

fights in massachusetts

we had to drive to rhode island to fight

so the last time i fought i fought

three times

in one day i fought in a kickboxing tournament

i won the first

fight i knocked the

first guy out

beat the second guy up

and then the

third guy knocked me out the

third guy was like

three fights

and i was completely exhausted it was

hours later

this is all for free

and i got i won the

first round

and then i got clipped with a left hook

and it was really

weird because it didn’t even hurt

it’s just my legs stopped working it

never happened to me before in a

fight is that the ones

where they go like this they go

just go rubber

they just stopped working

he disconnected

my brain from my legs

my legs no longer communicated with my brain

they just shut off

and i went down and i got up

and then he hit me

again i went down

again i got up and they stopped the

fight it was

i’ve been hit way harder before

it wasn’t that he just hit me perfect it was like the

perfect spot and i was exhausted

you know when you’re

i had shitty

nutrition and i was delivering newspapers i’d get up

every morning

at 5 o’clock to deliver newspapers and then i

would take a nap

and then i would

drive limos and then i

would go train

and then i was

still trying to do comedy at the same time

so that made me really realize i had to pick a path

and like you know this was a good wake up call for me

and my ego wanted me to get back in there

and go smash and

show that it was a bad

that i really

didn’t train

right for that

fight and i was out of

shape and i was sick

you know but

i thankfully

figured out a way to shut my ego up

long enough to get some distance

your ego’s fucked my

ego’s fucked in what way

it’s attached to shit that

doesn’t matter

like in what way

i don’t know i’m

starting to see the

world a little differently

recently last conversation we had i we

i’d said something

about i almost got over

i talked about almost getting into a

fight with a guy in

driving remember

yes and you’re like that’s fucking out of you

yeah dumb in the

world and i know

that and that

to me was the

first wake up call of like

yeah why would i do that like i started

thinking like

the guy just

from our conversation you

start thinking yeah

oh are you yeah fucking actually fairly heavily except

you’re probably one of

i mean this you

wouldn’t want to hear this but like i

probably one of the

toughest guys i i know

like stuff like no one would ever

scare you or you know

how people scare me

no but but i work

in ufc i’m constantly around people

scary but what i’m saying is like

and so i started like

checking like

okay why do you feel so confident to

start fights

against one eye

where is that and then i

started and then it

started like sizzling down and it was like

holy shit man my ego

my ego’s totally attached

to not like cool shit

like it’s not attached to my i

don’t even know what an ego

should be attached to do

you have parts of your personality that bother you oh

every part of my personality

okay well what do you do

about that nothing i drink

what do you do

are you supposed to do something i

meditate and i get in the tank no i

drink that’s

my number one

thing i drink and then forget

about it and then

wake up and i just fucking i

would like to get you in the tank man i

think you would really

enjoy it i would want you next to me and i’d want i

could do it

we can talk to each other

all right joe

well you know

you could do it at my

house bro and i could be

right outside the tank i fucking

there’s parts of my personality i can’t

stand you know

why don’t you

why don’t you

work okay tell me what you know i don’t like

this but don’t be sensitive

okay okay but listen i love you man you have to worry

about i know i know i know

i i’m i like i know that when this shit when bird the

conqueror gets canceled whatever it does get canceled

i will talk

about it incessantly to people

no you won’t i will

this is what you

say you say you’ll talk

about it which is why you’ll talk

about it but if you just say you won’t

and just decide

you know what when bert the

conqueror if it ever does get canceled god forbid i’m

gonna move on to something else and i’m

gonna push for it

you’re an entertaining guy man the

world needs

entertaining people okay what part you don’t have

to worry about that personality do you not like

about you i get

angry at things too easily

seriously i do that too

and that is something i know

about my number one my number one

thing whether it’s something someone

says or something something that happens or even

watching this fucking

this documentary

you know that i get

angry i was like


what i wanted to do physically to each one of

these cunts that’s causing all

these people to lose

their houses

and i’m just

picture of myself strangling them and just getting so

enraged it almost becomes like an animal

like animalistic

and primal it gets very it’s very dangerous

and that’s why

i always say to you like be really careful man

cause you never know who the fuck you’re

gonna run across

oh oh oh as

crazy as i might be

i’m nothing

compared to a lot of people that i’ve ever met man

i’ve met some

really crazy

motherfuckers that if you pick them you’re the

wrong guy and you wind

up saying something to them they’re like oh thank you

jesus you’ve just brought me someone to kill you

know and they’ll just attack you and they know how to

fight too there’s a lot of people like that

a lot of them

i’ve met a lot have you always been like that

me anger yeah

part of it is my

childhood part of it is genetic

i have sicilian peasant

genes i mean this is the reason why my hands are as

wide as cinderblocks you know i have the

weirdest but look at that

folks i got the

weirdest bone

structure ever i have

giant hands

you know they’re good for hitting things i’m

short and wide my family you know

they grew up

carrying bricks and shit you know that’s what my

ancestors did

you know that like that design

like i think there’s a lot of

aggression built into certain body types i

think there’s you know if you look at like

super athletic like you know you look at some fucking

like you know some mike

tyson looking dude

like look at mike

tyson’s body

you look that

guy looks like he’s designed to destroy

things just designed to

like when he used to step into the ring

when he was in

the prime of his life in the late 80s

he would get into that fucking ring

and it was like that is the scariest

human being that’s ever walked the face of the earth

you couldn’t imagine doing anything

else that’s what he was there for he’s there to

smash things just a tank

yeah bull that guy guaranteed he’s got a

giant biological

build up of stress that he

needs to blow out besides having a fucked up

childhood i mean i

think a lot of people that are in jail

are in jail because

they have fucked up

bodies man they have fucked up

childhoods a

interesting so you can almost say that the body

dictates a personality it does have some

effect it’s not

a completely

benign thing

i think without a

doubt look i

think so much

clearer after i work out

to me it’s like mandatory

i don’t allow myself to say oh fuck i’m

tired let me just take a nap i don’t allow that

because i don’t like me when i don’t work out

so i make me work out i make me work out so i can be

sane it’s for me it’s like

i always feel like

i got this monkey

and if i don’t let this

monkey out of the cage he’s

gonna throw shit at me and he’s

gonna fucking

start rattling the cage and

lighting things on fire

just let him out of the cage come on

buddy let’s go it’s

the same way i feel like

about my dogs

i feel bad if i don’t walk my dogs

if i don’t take him around the neighborhood let him go

smell i want him to get out let’s get out let’s get out

it’s the same

thing with the

animal inside you the animal inside you need

though that

motherfucker needs to rage

and if it doesn’t rage

starts looking for opportunities to rage

i started looking with

his dick once i get in my lane fuck you fuck you bitch

after i work out i’m like yeah go

ahead dude i’m not in a rush

i started letting people

i thought of this the

other day i got

flicked off by

a very liberal couple

really a very

liberal couple of course i am the stereotype

of ignorant white male

like i drive a

freaking expedition

black on black

you know fucking i’m just you have a tap out

sticker in your back

i can get you one

i’ll put it on all right

i’m always playing something like hip hop

and i guess i cut them off i don’t even know

and they were in a little

what’s the little prius

no the smart car the tiny one

from mini cooper

and they flicked me off and then

she went up and went ah

ah like was

thumbing upping me and

pointing at me your car

yeah i don’t know me or my car who fucking knows and

and then i was

we both got off at laurel canyon

and we’re right next to each other

and i was like i’m

gonna fucking tell him off and then i was like hold on

if i tell them off nothing’s

gonna come of

this but if i make them feel like they won

then maybe they’ll continue this behavior

until they run into the guy

who beats a living fuck out of them

and you set a trap

so i set a trap

and i roll down the window and i was like

you guys let me

fuck fuck and then they took off and they

laughed and i was like great

just keep it up

i see fucking took

a dive keep it up you took a dive so they

can fucking oh that’s genius

that’s i’ve

never heard anyone doing that before

no no do you see do you sense

funniness in people

right out the gate oh yeah ah

i’m so fucking good at that

cause you’re so honest oh

i feel like i’m really honest with my bullshit

yeah i see shit

like right at

the gate i’m like yeah i’m i’m

super honest so when someone’s not being honest i

smell it a mile away

i smell crazy too crazy

and dangerous

yeah my wife’s

best friend we went out to dinner with them and

when we first met him

and and i fucking you know me i

talk all night long and drink

and we’re having a good time and then

we got done i don’t fucking like them

and she was

like how can you not like them you just had a boring

time ago she’s fucking crazy

she was like she’s not

crazy and then

and then and then now i’m like matlock i’m like

we just gotta hang it up and then

i gotta just untangle the necklace enough

so it starts to fall apart

and then i’m like and then i brought it up one time

about like drugs and she was like oh

i used to have a problem with meth and i was like boo

boo dude that’s so

funny he said that i had a

brian callan story

brian used to always date

these really fucked up girls and try to fix them

and brian’s been one of my best friends

since ninety four when i hosted mad tv i met brian and

we like instantly became best friends

and when we were hanging around the

first thing i noticed

when we were hanging around together is like this

motherfucker date some

broken bitches

i mean his current wife is a very nice person but

his his he’s

had some disasters in his past did he fuck fiona apple

no comment okay

i just remember hearing something yeah

no comment no comment

we are on the internet

there’s hundreds of thousands

of people and some of them may know fiona so okay

probably not

yeah anyway um

he he just you know i used

to tell him man you got to get better at reading people

yeah i’m getting him getting it i’m getting it

getting better man this new girl you’re

gonna love are you

gonna love her

so he introduces me to her

right i say hi how you doing

she goes hi nice to meet you

and i go can i talk to you for a second

i pull him outside i go listen to me man she is

fucking crazy

yes yes yes

i go dude this

bitch is fucking

crazy yeah no i

shook her hand

i shook her

hand and i looked in her eyes and i saw madness

it was like that sam shepherd

movie based on that

in the mouth of madness remember that

it was like that i was like i was like this bitch is

completely insane i was like

so i pulled

them aside i go listen to me around i go that bitch is

crazy she’s a

no no she’s a good girl

no no no dude she’s a fucking nightmare

to do do do you’re

famous she’s nervous she’s meeting no no no

no there’s nothing to do with that i go that

bitch is crazy

crazy man you

gotta trust me dude i know

crazy all my spider

senses were going off

i go you better get the fuck away from that girl

trust me you’re

gonna find out you’re

gonna find out the hard way

you need to run what do you attract

her oh she’s nice she needs friends no no no

she does not she needs friends she’s fucking nuts okay

time goes on

and eventually he finds out that she’s a meth head

like massive

you know i don’t know how he missed this

but like she was

completely insane and i had some like

some guy was looking after

looking for her and

you know anyway he winds up eventually

slowly getting rid of her

right it just gets rid of her and then

one day he’s walking down the

street okay

and he sees

this girl walking towards him and the girls are hooker

you know she’s got a

skirt on and he looks up and he realizes it’s this girl

and she’s got fucking

scabs on her face like she’s picking her face oh

yeah and he goes

how’s it going she goes

what do you think

okay you take care that honest

with me this is all and i

swear to god i picked this up from hi how are you

i was like what what what


all these alarms

i’m good at that i can you not you can’t always

think you’re good at that you always

gotta be open to the possibility that you

haven’t picked it up yet

you always gotta

be open to the possibility some people are better at

covering their bullshit

or they have different

motivations for being

crazy what does

their motivate

are they delusional

crazy delusional

crazy is pretty

easy to spot because they lie to themselves

yeah or are they deceptive

crazy deceptive

crazy strange because sometimes deceptive crazy

like there’s like a sociopathic element of it

where they’re

not concerned

about how they come off so that they’ll like

they’ll like

really like play to your strengths and all of a

sudden you like this guy really

compliments me well

really like

meanwhile what he is is just

a certain type of manipulative

crazy that you

haven’t picked up yet

fuck i’ve had so many

crazy people in my life of course

you’re a comic man i mean

just doing shows

how many nutty fucking people do you meet

after shows

you make the greatest

sounds man you

could crack me up with

every time you make

so listen man last time you were here there’s a fucking

story about the russian mob

we tease these bitches

we let these people

right now on twitter they have been

going crazy all day do not let burkechrisher

get out of there without the russian mob story man

tell us what the fuck happened

alright this is in 1993 probably

i think is when i went to russia

i was taking russian

classes at florida

state i thought they were spanish classes

because i thought

i thought there were spanish

classes because i it was a noon

class and i signed up

and then i was like fucking

sweet spanish at noon

i could phone that in and then i get there and they

start writing

a new language a new alphabet and i’m like all right

this clearly isn’t spanish

so then i said i’m

gonna leave and the

teachers like listen

don’t leave um

because if you leave

we can’t have a

class and i can’t get my master’s degree

so but if you

stick around

i’ll talk to you

after the class

i get done the end of the

class she’s like

listen don’t

you know if you don’t

leave and i won’t

just show up at

class i’ll give you a c

i was like done

done so i took russian i took russian one two and

three because

these kids needed another guy in

their class to take

these classes so then

finally i take rush i take russian

four and we go to russia

we go to russia but this is russia like

when the mob ran russia

like are you

guys aware of that no okay in like the

late 90s mid 90s

the mob ran

everything that had to do with russia

so when going over to russia you had to you had to

literally pay off the mob

in order to go and

study abroad

so we paid off the mob and they gave us in return

to banditos two young

mobsters who

would go everywhere with us

they lived in our hotel

they stayed

with us they went on tours with us they went

they would did

everything with us

their names are igor and

sasha and when we got

our teacher was like listen this is igor and sasha

they will be

ghosting us with my

teacher who was there

with me was like they’re in the fucking mob igor and

sasha it’s like a guy

named bruce

and they were like and they were oh it gets worse so

so they like listen whatever you do to our

class do not

talk to them do not interact with them oh my god do not

engage them they are only here to

shadow us so in my head i’m like fucking

get to know

these guys right

like get a bottle of

vodka six pack of baltika

knock on their door

never mind do i

speak no rush at the time no rushing

site never studied in any of the

classes so first

night there i

knock on igor and

sasha’s room and they’re having a

party in there like fucking all

their friends are in

their room they

lived right next to me

and kendra my

teacher lived across the hall from igor

so i knock on the door igor opens the door and

he looks like a fucking thug he’s got

he’s got like a wife beater on

a cigarette a beer

and he just looks at me in russian and just goes

and now the

second he says that i

start panicking

all the phrases

i had in my head that i was trying to say

all disappear and all i say to igor in russian is

i am the machine

what does daddy say that

yamashino and so

but i just said yamashino

and he went

stole and now i don’t know what i’ve said i’m like

what did i just say i’ll fuck you up

like and i go i go i am the machine and he goes

say it again i said i’m the machine

and then he starts laughing and he

brings me another room he’s like hold on

say it again and so i say it to the

room i don’t know what the fuck i’m saying i’m like i’m

the machine they’re like you’re the machine i’m like

i’m the machine i said that all fucking

night with these guys

that’s the only

communication we had is i said on the machine

and igor and

sasha and i became best friends

right we did

everything together if we went on a

field trip they

would tell me machine you don’t need to go on the

field trips come

drink with us so now

cut to one day we have to take a

train to moscow

now a different mob

ran the train to moscow

and a different

track mob ran moscow

and igor sasha

were not allowed to

cross boundaries and they told me they said listen

we’re not going to go with you but we’ve

taken care of you we’ve talked to the mobsters on the

train and in moscow

because we had to pay them too

so they weren’t allowed to come with you they

weren’t allowed to come with us

because it’s a

different mob and

we’re paying

a different mob now to protect us on the train

they’re paying a different mob to protect us in moscow

holy shit so

they said we’ve

taken care of it don’t worry

about it so they take me to the

train and they

introduced me to our two new gangsters igor and igor

what double

igor i swear to you

three igor’s out of four dudes igor

there’s not a lot of names in russia it’s alex

igor or sasha

what about fjordor so

so igor and igor

my ego says to

these egoers

this is the machine

if you give them alcohol you’ll have a

great time so

ego and ego

are like through the roof they’re like awesome don’t

worry we’ve

taken care of you

we’re sitting in

first class

you’re not sitting with your class

you’re sitting in

first class to moscow

and i’m like

holy shit this is what i’m talking

about and i

bring another guy john

bolshoi big john i

bring him with me

to go sit in

first class and sure enough man we’re in fucking

first class

just me these two igor

john the conductor i shit you not

the conductor

before the train takes off comes into the room i

swear to you

rips off the ban on this

thing says this is a present for the machine

i would be an

honor to do a shot with you

and i’m like oh

this fucking

right so i do a shot with the conductor

and we pound this

vodka within

like fucking

thirty forty five minutes we’re done all the

vodka in the room

well we’re drinking hard and my

class is all in

coach and i’m sitting in

first class

and igor negro like let’s go get more

vodka and i’m like done

these guys run the fucking train

so we get up we walk into the bar cart

and biggie or says machine

grab a pile of

grab grab some

bread club and i’m like that’s bread

i’m understanding russian he’s like

grab some sia

that’s cheese i’m like

i’m learning russian i’m looking at john who’s

standing behind me he’s like yeah

he’s like grab

vodka i know that one and he’s like

grab all the

money grab all the rubles and i go what

i look around and we’re robbing the bar cart

what the bartenders

standing like this everyone

standing against the wall

and i’m sitting behind the bar

with a handful of rubles a bottle of

vodka and a

thing of bread

going holy fuck

john looks at me and he’s like

just take it let’s go

take all the fucking cash out

of the bar cart and what is the bartender doing it’s

not making eye contact

and their passion everyone just lets it happen

it’s the mob they ran

everything in russia

everything wow and so

we get done and we go back to our

room and it’s a totally different energy like very like

very sketchy

you know and are you

freaked out now i’m

freaked out because i’m like fuck i just robbed

the car like no one else saw anyone robbed the bar car

except for me

and my teacher val

who at the time was our chaperone

didn’t speak any russian she comes to our

first class cart

opens the door and says i need to talk to you

right now and

i was like listen and she goes i told you

that you’re in big

trouble you i my

classmate your

classmates have told me what happened

biggie or takes a sip of

vodka spits in her eyes and goes

no one talks to the machine like that

i’m like whoa he spit

vodka in her eyes and fucking it is

and then and then

shuts the door and then looks at me and he says don’t

worry i got you

when it gets dark we’re

gonna have a lot of fun and he pulls out a

thing of keys

he’s got keys to the

whole fucking

train he’s like

we’re gonna rob everyone when the when it gets dark

now i’m like fuck what i get

myself into

like this is bad news bad fucking news so

we get started

sure enough and we

start robbing the

train go through my

class first

and we fucking open the door

little eagle

would crawl in pull the bags out john and i

would go through them and try not to

steal like anything important

and biggie or

would stand

guard and if anyone woke up

you take a sip of vodka

and spit in their face

what and it was i mean it’s

sketchy now it’s

sketchy it’s not even fun are they low

are these guys arm fucking no

no no they’re loaded though they’re hammered piss drunk

we robbed my whole

class and then

and then we end up they end up taking off and

going into the car and me and john are sitting in

in the first

class car just

thinking we’re fucked man we’re fucked we rob the train

we’ve robbed the bar cart

and they come back and they’re just fucking

angry drunk like piss

angry drunk

we pull into moscow

and my teacher val

comes to the door opens it and said

i’m just letting you know we’ve called the police

so i was like fuck

so igor ego

and igor like fuck it don’t

worry fuck the

police fuck the police this is russia who the fuck she

thinks she is

this is america this is russia

we run everything

i’m like i’m

gonna fucking go to the gulag

sure enough

sure enough man the cops are sitting on the

on the middle like

the middle you know

where people get off the

train that little receiving area my

class is sitting there

my whole class are in the pajamas they’re crying

their bags have been gone through

they’re fucking giving

statements to the cops

and the cops are writing them down

and i’m sitting

with igor and igor and john in the fucking cart

and they’re just

still drinking and smoking and they’re like fuck this

fuck this we’ll take it there this

right now they walk outside

out to the cops

and start yelling at the cops and i’m like


this is not how i

would have taken care of this just

i don’t even know what they’re saying but there he’s

shouting in the cops are

shopping back

and then finally biggie or just starts

pointing at me and i’m like oh he’s pinning this

whole fucking

thing on me

like i’m going down for the

whole thing

and then the cop

starts pointing at me and telling me

is it yes by the arm

or whatever he’s saying come here right now

so i fucking walk out and it’s that moment

where you find the hash

on your body

you know they find it and you’re

going to jail forever is that that moment that walk

where your asshole gets cold

and you’re like this is it midnight express

fucking that’s the moment

and i walk all the way across this little fucking

trail to get to him i get

right up to the cop

and the cop looks at me and he goes

i understand you’re the machine

that’s like yeah and he goes tonight you

party with us

what so then we went out and

party with these cops

so the cops did nothing fucking nothing they were so

excited to meet the machine what they

were like this fucking it was the it was it was it

was it was an

nickname is there no one

funny in russia is that what it is

no there was no there was no

humor there was no

so when with you

is that what it is is no one

funny and then you come

along and you’re hilarious so they’re like we’re

partying with you yeah and i

was and i was just

loud like there’s not a lot of loud people like you

would you be willing to move to russia to be

their bitch

until like no

dude those guys scared me

one night the guy

how many nights did you

party with these guys

i party with igor and ewar

on the train only

and then i party with the cops

in moscow with john

and then for one

night and then we

we hid from them because they want

they like the cops one

no the cops

were scary more scarier than the gangsters because

they you they

could not get in trouble

like they either like

drive my cop car and you’re like what the fuck

drive my cop

car fucking do they

drive on the left side of the right side

same side as us

i don’t remember

i was there for

three months you

think i’d know

i think they

drive the same side as us

but they but they i mean like the whole

experience in russia was just i mean it was just

i remember one time we igor and

igor sasha has said they were

gonna get a boat for us for russian

may day or labor day

and they’re like yeah we gotta um

they’re gonna have a big boat for our

whole class we’re all

going out on the boat

so i get up

early for the day we’re

going out the boat and i go over to igor’s room

and igor is eating

dried fish drinking beers

and i was like what’s the matter and he’s

like i’m fucked i go what and he goes we got no boat

like what do you mean he goes i’ve tried

everything to

try to get a boat i can’t get a fucking boat

and we’ve promised the

class of boat

for the tour

is supposed to have a boat

and so we’re like oh fuck and he goes and then all of a

sudden the phone rings and he goes we got a boat

i go we do and he goes yeah

so we start walking to the dock

we’re carrying a fucking big case of beer my

whole class

cameras and fucking

their little passports around

their neck and one of his buddies

just walks up and he’s like hey and he’s like hey

and then we just get

to the dock and

there’s a boat there and we just get on it and take off

and halfway through we realized like i just

stole the fucking boat

really he just

stole the boat and he was like

russia must be just fucking

crazy insane we

went to a big mob boss

party one night and

igor tells the mob boss he goes

this is the machine this is the guy

how does this all happen i just was loud and then i was

partying with igor and

sasha so much that like

that and they just tell

their friends

oh you got to meet this guy you got to meet this guy so

funny dude we’re

gonna have to

drink with you and yeah

we’re gonna

do shots with burke

crusher you

gotta be careful man you’re

selling yourself as this incredible fun party guy

and everyone’s

gonna want to do shots with you i don’t i’m fucking

are you friends with igor on facebook now have you

tried to find him i don’t

think igor’s a

lot can i follow igor on twitter i

think igor i thought

you wanted to be a filmmaker really bad

yeah like you

really wanted to be a filmmaker and you talk

about film and

what kind of film

i have no fun

i was i was

22 at the time murder

films igor was

igor was probably dead

i would say

you you had a pretty

interesting life before you ever became a comedian you

would think you have a wealth of fucking

stuff to talk

about on stage

did you figure out a way to tell that mobster

story on stage i can’t because

it’s too long it’s too like it’s i can tell you here

but it to tell it

you just need

to chop it up it’s hard it’s really hard

it’s like the

tracy morgan

story i right you can’t

i never felt comfortable telling that’s

ridiculous well there’s a perfect example

goes look jay was telling on

stage and was

crushing yeah i know you

should totally tell that on

stage yeah maybe i’ll have him tell the machine

story and then

i didn’t have him tighten it

up from him

have him tighten it up

yeah just farm it out to

other like you know if there’s some mexican

comics in town

sort of like surrogate jokes

you can have them

carry your joke for you

into you know term

but yeah so

i don’t i don’t

i don’t party like that really anymore you were just

telling us how much

hammered you get lately because you’re trying to

avoid this on

planes yeah

like that’s fucking anxiety that’s me trying to handle

whatever i’ve done to my brain

so that i can get from fucking la to new york

do you feel like you’re

some guys don’t

want to lose that anxiety because they’re

worried that if

they become

evolved some whatever

you know enlightened

however you want to say that they

wouldn’t be

funny anymore

yeah i’m afraid

whatever i get nervously shit before i go and stay

still i used to

think that if i became more enlightened i

wouldn’t be

funny i would

avoid like doing yoga

and i would

avoid meditating because i

literally thought i had to be more fucked up to be

funny i feel that way

like they asked me to get on this

drug called selexa

for what what does that do

they have social anxiety disorder

let’s see so

alexa how do you

spell it s e l e c

c e l e x a

no i want to say it’s an s

i got a prescription for it

used to treat

depression the

class of antidepressants called

selective serotonin

reuptake inhibitors

that works at increasing the amount of serotonin

a natural substance

you know my

thing with all this stuff is

first get your body in order

you know this is what i tell

everybody whenever

i talk to anybody and they’re like oh i’m

thinking about getting on something i’m not

completely opposed to people doing

any sort of antidepressant

i know people that’s

changed their fucking life i know people

where it’s helped them dramatically

you know including one

buddy of mine who got on it

changed his

life and then slowly weaned himself off of it and

literally has a different way of

thinking now

and it saved him yeah he was really

super depressed he had some real issues you know

how much of it was his

childhood how much of it was

his biology whatever the fuck it is

but i think you

gotta get your body in

order before you

start fucking around with all that

stuff my body’s a

wreck yeah well

of course it’s not working so good then

yeah but it’s

how often you work out ah

i want you want to be healthy i mean am i

yeah you want

advice yeah

do you want advice

why don’t you

join some sort of a gym get some sort of a

trainer i’m not home

that’s so that when’s that ever

gonna happen okay how

about this bring a dvd on the road with you i

have dvds that are all body weight exercises

yeah yeah you can do it in your

hotel room you set a laptop down on the bed and

right in front of the bed you need a fucking

small space

you start doing

hindu squats and

hindu push ups and

shake weight

and you know

push ups with claps in between them and then you

could do handstands

against the wall

dude you can have a serious fucking workout

steve maxwell told me how to do chin ups on

a door you you put a

towel inside the door

slam it shut so there’s a knot in the

towel and the knot stays like so that you know you can

you can slam the door shut and

you know you can have it like

so you can’t pull the

towel through

and then you do chin ups with it

i do all kinds of

crazy shit in my

hotel room yeah

i’m sure that’s one of the

things i need to do

but before you

start taking any

crazy ass pills i’m not

gonna take it

they just said that’s what you

should be on

who says this some fucking doctor i went to

a therapist once and she was like you need to talk to

so you know i have a problem with flying

and i’ve always had a problem with flying and i fly

200 000 miles a year but i still

have anxiety when i get on a plane

i can’t get rid of it i

just hasn’t disappeared

and they’re

like yo what’s you need to get on celexa you also have

social anxiety disorder

and i’m like oh fucking

i can talk to people all day long

yeah that’s

ridiculous anyone

would say that you have a social anxiety disorder

you’re a fucking

comedian but yeah but but it’s i don’t know so

i’m sure there’s a ton of

things i need you to fix my everyone has a little

bit of social anxiety just because you don’t know

when you first talk to someone

you don’t know what the fuck you’re getting yeah

you know i mean

you get better at it and more used to it as you get

older but i used to remember

i used to go to banks and it’s i’d already

started doing comedy at the time

and i would fucking

have weird almost

like failures of my speech

when i was talked to someone at the bank

you know what i mean

i get up to the counter

can i help you sir

um yeah i need to

i need to deposit

deposit this

like you just like

what it just couldn’t come out

right i was nervous for whatever

stupid reason mean

i had fought

i had done stand up i done all these

scary scary

things but talking

to the teller for whatever reason you know

would make me

lock up you know so i

think we all have a certain amount of social anxiety

it’s just a matter of overcoming that you just need

india indica burt

the whole worst

i’ve gotten so confused with whatever

indica or sativa

whichever like

every time i ever have a conversation

with someone they’re like oh you need the one that

doesn’t make you think

right but you want the one that

doesn’t make your body

you don’t want to feel in your body and i’m like the

well it seems like that you’re overthinking

everything so that it seems like the it’s

not that bad i don’t

think it’s any different than anyone else i don’t

think i’m i don’t

think i’m i i

think if anyone had my life

style or my life

like where you travel

you’re gone all the time you’re jumping off

buildings you jumping out of

planes right i

think if anyone had my life they go through this shit

has it noticeably

changed since you

started doing the show

it’s gotten much

better last year

was really bad

but i’ve gotten much better with my anxiety

like now i can

appreciate like things

and go wow this is really cool that i’m

getting to do this like last year i was just a fucking

wreck yeah i

would find i

would find injury in the

smallest thing

i’d like that’s

gonna i’m gonna

we’re doing a

belly flop contest

and i was like what if there’s like a

stick i mean it’s

gonna fucking impale myself on it it’s a good question

should look out for sticks

thank you everyone

was like are you out of your fucking mind

you’re gonna

break it i was like no to go

right through

my body and i’ll die depends on how big the

stick is they’re all confident that you’re

gonna break it i

guess i don’t

but i but i’ve got much better

you’d be fun to be in

production with you like it’s good question

yeah man i’m the

worst place for

sticks when it comes to anything dangerous

i’m the guys like listen listen you take chances

motherfucker okay nothing

wrong with that

you better be

aware of what you’re doing

don’t be stupid

about it take informed

chances you know

this season’s been a lot of fun

a lot of fun to shoot

do you do comedy

when you’re on the road like filming do you like

scheduled gigs

no but if i do comedy all of a

sudden all the

all the chaos in my

all the chaos gets real fucking mellow

huh because i can

talk and i feel like i’m getting that outlet like i was

have i was in the middle like a

month stretch

from like alaska to at new york to dc to indianapolis

and then leaving indianapolis

we had to fly to cincinnati and my wife’s like

and i’m complaining to her

about my brain or whatever i’m fucking

is wrong with me and then she was like

just go get on

stage just go over to the to the

funny bone in cincinnati

and get on stage

it’s a good idea

i was like i

guess that is a good idea

cause it’s almost like a form of exercise like this

amount of energy that you expend on stage

oh yeah i don’t like i

i think i one of the

things that’s

wrong with me

is i don’t i don’t listen very well and i talk

more than i listen

like some people

are good listeners

i feel like i’m all

fucking exporting data

well listen you’re

aware of that

so you’ll be a better listener it’s that simple

if you’re aware of one

thing that’s fucking with you or one

thing that you don’t like

about how you behave

that’s step one

that’s even more than step one

step one is like

thinking what’s

wrong with me step two is like

figuring out what it is

you’re at step two

you already know what it is

but yeah but i

think once i do stand up

that i start

i start listening so i’m done talking

like you ever

get done with like a long stretch you like i’m fucking

do not want to hear myself speak yes

sure i’m done

talking i just want it’s hard to discipline

myself to listen to tapes when that happens

fucking listen to tapes i’ve

never listened to a tape ever really

never how do

you go over your bits i just it’s all my head whoa

yeah do you

think that that’s the best way to do

it or you just that’s the best way for you that’s bye

i know that’s not the best way to do it

cause anytime i look at a tape i go

man i should have fucking i

could do that different i could yes

yeah and it always works but i’m

i hate looking at myself on film and just

watching it

and going over it

and being like

you know what i say to myself what

i say you’re a professional

i’m a professional comedian

and my job as a professional comedian

is to do it the best i can

and to do it the best

i can i have to review tapes i have to actually write

i have to take chances on

stage where i go on

stage and i just

i don’t know what the fuck i’m gonna talk

about i just go i have to do that go down dark roads

especially like

sal’s comedy hole

i love that

place cause it’s like 80 people and you know

i can just fuck around and talk

about anything and bits will come out of that

so there’s that

but you got it

right and you got to review your shit you got

right to it you got to

do it all you got to do

everything all

right but i

think going through my shits exhausting

it is exhausting but that’s part of the job you know

as i’ve gotten

older and as i’ve gotten i think

i wouldn’t say that i take my

stand up more seriously

but i think i’ve gotten better at being disciplined

about it especially

like the last special that i did was like

came out less than a year

like a little over a year ago

and i’ve got a

completely new hour and 20 minutes between now and then

and it was difficult to do that i’ve

never done that before

i always sort of slowly

built up an act

you know over

the next few years because i kind of had to

you know but now

the way i do it i just

you know and i kind of like

got inspired by

louis ck talking

about how he comes up with a new hour

every year so i

you know i just tried to

attack it and

write as much shit as possible

and in doing

that and trying to put together a new hour in a year

you have to

review material you have to be more disciplined

about it you have to be more


about it yeah but i

know is your new hour thematic of who you are right now

it’s the best

thing i’ve ever done for sure it’s

the most silly

but i also think that’s part of the

reason is because this podcast

like i don’t feel like the need to


or to expand on

like philosophical ideas or try to make something

funny that might not necessarily be funny

like all i’m really concerned

about is being funny

as opposed to you know

like sometimes i’d have bits

about something i just wanted to talk

about why don’t i have to worry

about that now

cause i just talk

about it on the podcast and i mean

the outlet is better

so in a sense

i think it’s condensed my comedy

and made it

sharper and better

made it more funny

my comedy is all over the fucking

place right now

everything’s all over the place

what is your

open or your comedy

what is the

do is it any kind of theme

or are you just pretty much

you sound like some guy at the fucking

hotel no i mean you know

what do you do

comedian so what do you do when you’re on

stage there do you have a theme to your act there

fella what’s uh

well you know what kind of comedy

you’re talking

about your comedy joe you’d say it’s more like a


based it’s kind

of conspiracy kind of theory your kind of life

you know conspiracy theory

or used to be more conspiracy but not not really

conspiracy we’re talking

about the pyramids bet you mean

yeah say that’s a conspiracy

pyramids noah’s

ark all that

stuff but did

you have more of a like like bitty

are you more jokey jokey

or i’m straight up


storytelling i

would say i

would say more so

my stand of shows more like you’re

going to watch someone

you’re going i feel like it’s it’s

literally you’re coming to my

house i’m telling you stories i’m

standing on the ottoman

and you’re sitting on the

couch and i’m just you’re like man that guy’s

house is fun to be at

like it’s a lot of just

crowd interaction you know i told you this last time i

bring people on

stage but yeah it’s straight up stories

i’ve had always had a hard time like i have a great

story about

the first time i met will smith

and i’ve had a hard time

um i have a hard time

telling it because i feel like it’s

i feel like it’s

name droppy yeah

yeah it’s just it just

yeah whenever you you you’re running uphill

whenever you say oh here’s the time i met will smith

get the fuck out of here

do they still

hang out with i

think you i

think you need to

you know you have to have a jammin fucking

story if you want to

bring up the time you met will smith

just to overcome the weight

of carrying that

story around

but it’s all


and it’s you know

do you write do you sit down and

write stuff you know i can’t write a

story because

then it loses

the story always works the

first time i tell it on

stage and if i ever

could have ever

videotaped it i’d be like

bam that’s how i need to tell it every time

but you kind of almost

the way i work is

my brain i’ve got to feel the beats

like feel the beats and

where they go and

where they drop and

where they hit

and then and

and if i write it

it just becomes very long winded and all the jokes that

that would fit in on

stage just don’t fit it

they’re like longer themes

so everything you talk

about on stage is pretty much stories

yeah i would say so you’d

literally never sit down with a

laptop and say i’m

gonna do the russian mob

story then i’m

gonna do the russian mob story

is the hardest one for me to tell on

stage i’ve done it

i’ve done did it

you ever done

elliot in the morning in dc no

i did ellie in the morning and i told her on his show

and then everyone

would come to show and be like machine machine

and then i’d get up at the end of the

night and be like fuck i

gotta tell the story

that seems like a

show or a story rather you can tell on stage

i’m gonna try i’m

gonna try to

start working it into shows

but it’s also

weird if like

like i do the i do the

fighting a bear

story on stage

i do the i do the

story about my daughters

my daughters

but yeah i like

you never like say say what if you did a special you’re

gonna do a comedy central special an hour

an hour yeah when did you do this

by 18 months ago

and when you did it did you

feel like you have to write all new

stuff after you did it yeah but that’s but that’s

but i also get i feel like a hack if i tell old jokes

i’m very i don’t like listening

i feel like a phony a lot

a lot i feel like a phony

only because i don’t like

i guess when i when i

scouted the stand up i traded whatever

my wife goes nuts about it i traded whatever

brain i have

that is the guy that gets a job

at dean witter or whatever

and has those luncheon stories and tells the

story about golf last week

i traded in them for every story is fucking funny

every story is funny

and like and

i don’t like i’m fucking willing to mind anything

and if it takes it

quick like the russian mom story

i obviously

shorten a massive

chunk of that

because the real

story is a little depressing

the real story gets really depressing

so i but if you tell the people then they fucking but

there’s something

crazy about you robbing people

do you tell the

story about you working out in the bookstore on

the dude you

gotta tell that one and i was thinking

about that what if they you

never masturbated down there doing

anything like

that no there was a guy

there was a sign up

this is gonna

sound even crazier there was a sign up

that when i

was when you’d go

to hit an afraid elevator that said whoever there was

double doors

whoever is urinating on this door please stop

there’s offices on the other side

so i kept seeing that

going wow that’s so funny i

bring the freight elevator down here to work out

i wonder who’s

bringing it down to piss on

these doors and then i

started thinking

what happens when you piss on

these doors

like does it it’s

gotta be a fucking really good payoff

for the fuck

for them to

for someone to really risk it

every and just do it

and i was like i

should do that i

should definitely piss on this doors

and then that’s why i got

caught because they were

viewing tape to find out who’s pissing on the doors

and then they saw me working out and they were like

well it’s got to be him piss

i’m sure i got fucking

for both of those

yeah without a doubt

but you know it’s so funny

like now that you

this way my

brain works

i remember tell telling me i had a joke one time

about my name is

when i was growing up i

tried tagging in my neighborhood

so i got a can of spray paint and i was all

i was like son of a

bitch i’m the only bird that lives in this neighborhood

and then i was like sucks dick

and attell was like that’s a

great joke and

i was like and as soon as he said that i’m like

that’s in every fucking act

so now that you say you

should tell them

working out

in the barnes and noble

as soon as you said that my brain went

oh that is good i

never saw it as good

i never thought dude

that’s a classic bit i laughed

i when you said that you know have cameras down here

dude that would

crush yeah now

but that’s why my

brain works like

i never thought

about telling

tracy morgan and jays like you’ve got a fucking tell on

stage and i was like

yeah how did have you guys resolved that

i don’t know i

think so i mean here’s the

thing is that if he wants to tell he can tell it

right i don’t want to tell it i don’t like

do you make him say that it’s burt chrysler

i don’t want

tracy morgan fucking

tracy one day

that fucking

hen is coming back to roost he

thinks he’s

gonna get mad at you

come on he’s

gonna love you that

first of all he tells crazier stories than that

every time he goes on the radio

you ever seen the

thing that he pulls his

shirt over goes

someone get pregnant

oh is that slapping

his stomach

tracy morgan’s one of the most

hilarious individuals around but i just don’t know him

so i don’t wanna

like i only met him one time so i don’t wanna

yeah but it’s such a

funny story i don’t think he

i think he’s as a

comic would just to go that is a hilarious

story in a weird way also though and

i and i think i

admitted this to jay it’s better i i i enjoy

the people come into me and go i

heard that tracy

morgan story of yours

that’s fucking hilarious

i enjoy that more than telling it

every night on

stage and having that to be my closer

and then every

night everyone’s like

tracy morgan and i’m like oh fucking

again why it’s a

great story i don’t know please

i don’t know i’m

that’s an amazing

story it’s a

great story it’s a

great story

and i guarantee you i guarantee you

tracy morgan

have no problem with you telling that

tracy morgan is like joey diaz

except every now and then joey

diaz will get

upset at you telling the

truth about some

story will you

marry got mad

about marijuana

well how about yeah how

about the thing the other day

yeah you tell everybody in your podcast

i didn’t fucking show up for that show that one time

but he didn’t tell him

i was over at

eddie bravo’s

i was at eddie bravo

okay okay yeah i

like i like that response he was at

eddie bravo’s and then went to go see a movie

yeah it was

crazy meanwhile

people people

quoted on my website i ain’t

gonna lie to your dog

i never left

vegas did you

it’s what he was in

what did you ever

to impress you’re really good at doing people’s impress

you do well

it’s so subtle but it really

sounds like

brian callan i can do a few

i can do alex jones oh

here’s the way

you guys do

you realize i’m a jew

hmm i can’t do

it i can’t really do ari

i have to know i can do people

like i can do

who do i do i can do alex

jones i can do him real good i

could date you do a good alex jones

ladies gentlemen

black helicopters have been spotted

outside of dallas

texas right now

we’re gonna go live

infowars dot com

that one enjoyed is our yeah

best those are my two best

i can do mike tyson

that’s easy

arnold schwarzenegger pretty easy

i can do i can do scotty j from boogie nights

do you remember boogeyman

no what it was

you’re fucking

on here guys

was filled seymour hoffman yes

do you remember

when this is the only it’s not even words do you

remember when everyone saw dirk diggler’s cock for the

first time yeah and everyone had

their moment

burt reynolds kind of

was smoking a

cigar and kind of went like this

everyone kind of went like this

and this is scotty j this is

he was holding a boom mic and he just went

that’s the only

impression i

that’s pretty good dude i

think you nailed it you brought

me right back to that movie

i love that movie you know

when i first

started out i used to do impressions

but i stopped doing it because i felt like it was cheap

yeah i thought it was

cheap laughs

cause i would see guys that

would go on

stage and they

would get laughs just with


meanwhile there’s nothing

wrong with that i mean it’s

kinda interesting to see someone do an

impression it like

gives you like some sort of a charge like wow he does

sound just like him

oh i was like i need four or five of

those in my act yeah just to like

sprinkle them in between some

there were such a great like

dc benny used to pull out a fucking

this is my impression of

a of a italian eye doctor

what you looking at

like and it was just like real

quick i was

like benny wow i

haven’t thought

about that i

haven’t seen that guy in forever i used to

party with him and ben bailey and

tony woods back when i was

tony woods tony woods was like one of my best friends

tony woods is fucking hilarious tony woods is amazing i

never had he’s like

i mean i think

dave chappelle’s very original don’t get me wrong

but tony woods is like the original dave chappelle

like is very similar

style to dave and really fucking

funny and i’m not saying that dave stole from

dave just it’s like

he’s one of

those guys that we’ve all

known guys like

that for whatever reasons like they’re really funny but

this fucking

thing doesn’t get on the right

track and something

doesn’t happen and people don’t know you’re really

funny you know

there’s a few guys like that

where like jb smooth

you know oh jb

smooth’s making a lot of

money now dj destroyer

he’s always been a destroyer man

i was in um

i did a gig in new jersey once with jb smooth and

he was late we both were late we got lost it was

ridiculous directions this is pre

navigation systems okay this is like 1992 91

and we’re both pretty much scrubs

and you know we’re both

starting out and we’re doing these

stupid gigs and i did this college

and they were all

excited to see me because

i’d done the naka

thing and you get on

stage and i killed at the naka

conference and i got all

these bookings and i was so excited

well i get there i

think i’ve told this

story before so i’ll make it briefly

um i get there and

well the open airs not here jb

smooth supposed to open i was supposed to close

the openers

not here yet so do you want to just sit down and

watch tv okay

so i sit down in

their little rec

room and watch tv and i

watch this fucking special on the malibu fires

i don’t know what year it was i’m

assuming like ninety

three ninety two ninety

three and it was


these people were crying

and there was

a kid walking around calling out for his dog

and he’s walking over

these burnt down

foundations with

smoke coming out

and they’re

calling every five

seconds mike mikey

mikey calling out for

whatever the fuck the dog’s name is

and then there’s a guy who’s a fireman

and he’s crying and he’s crying talking

about this house was the only thing that

he worked his

whole life to

build this fucking house

well the opener hasn’t come so we’re just

going to throw you up is that okay

yeah okay and i didn’t know

back then i had to

learn a bunch of times

that you have to get yourself into a certain

state of mind before you go on stage

that you can’t just try to perform

you know you have to put your mind

you know when you’re 21

or whatever

the fuck i was and no one’s telling you what to do

you can kind of develop like really

loose habits

when it come

to your stand up

so i went up there dude and

i did not know how to

start the show off i didn’t

expect to be

starting the show off

so i didn’t

prepare for that

i prepared to be following the guys i didn’t have any

you know when you

start a show off from scratch

you gotta settle everybody in

you gotta calm

your way down get control of the room then

start with some jokes and open

strong open

strong so that they think it’s

worth following you and paying attention

i did neither of

these things

all i did was go on

stage and think

about these poor fucking people that lost

their houses to the fire so then

for whatever reason

a joke bombs

right and then i just say

i shouldn’t

watch that fucking show i’m

sorry this is what i did

right before i went on

stage i watched this documentary

about all these people in malibu who lost their

houses to fires and i go and i’m fucking depressed and

the audience is like 200 kids are like what are you

why are you telling us this

are you a fucking comedian

like what are you here for

i’m really depressed guys it was terrible and then jb

smooth finally showed up so he goes on

after i eat

dick for half an hour

he goes up and just crushes

it was exactly what they want he was

silly and high energy and

you know he just picked up the ball

where i left it in a pile of dog shit

and just ran with it

but he’s another guy it’s like

why is that guy not a

giant fucking huge star

tony woods brian you probably

imagine you’ve

never seen him do stand up

he used to go on

and purposely

literally not

speak for the

first two minutes and just

tony woods would

not speak really and just get himself organized

real slow delivery

and then he’d say something like

i know what you’re

thinking a joke

would be good

right about now

but i’m black and i don’t

when i don’t just when i get to work

doesn’t mean i

start working i gotta

walk around for fifteen minutes and

see who the girl

he was so fucking

he was like my zen

master when i

started comedy

like just really fucking

like just oh

like i tell a

story be like

that story is good i told a

story one night

about fucking old girl on the wait staff

that worked to the boston comedy club and

i lasted like two seconds

and she got really fucking pissed

started yelling at me

after and i was like

i was and i didn’t give a shit i was fucking drunk and

we were in my

hotel room and i was like listen

you can’t do that i was telling on

stage i was like you can’t do that shit

and she was

like fuck you fuck you you better go online and

learn how to

read a manual

about how to fuck somebody and i was like

i was like you know what i don’t care i got

i fucked you i win

and she was like

ah and then i go and you’re getting out of here you’re

going to brooklyn and so

she was like

motherfucker and then got all

dressed got to my door i

still am totally naked

with a beer in my hand

she’s at my door

and she was like

she was like i

swear to god i fucking and then looked at me and went

huh like and that and i went

and then we both

started laughing

i slammed the door

and then she

pounded on every door in my building

going berkecher can’t fuck

berger can’t fuck

this true is a true

story yeah so i get done and i told on

stage and then i get off and tony woods goes

alright number one

don’t ever tell that

story ever again

why i go why not and he goes

no one wants to hear that shit

all right let’s leave

tony was just like the best to be around

well he’s wrong

i want to hear that

story all day did he die

no no no he’s lives in dc

i give him a

call every time

why would he say not to tell that

story because you don’t want

people to know that you can’t fuck

that’s a black

white thing

black guys never want to talk

about how bad they are in bed

yeah there’s a lot of

things that are different i remember we did

a show with donnell rollins

and red grant

with the two

black comics

and they were like

oh man you never run a

train on nobody

no i’ve never run a

train on anybody

and they’re like oh man that must just be a hood

thing i was like

wait you guys like

like fuck a

girl the same time and he’s like yeah brother

down everyone ran

trains on people

i was like i’ve

never once ran a train

i go that’s kind of gay and like no that’s not

gay at all i go what the fuck it’s really gay like a

bunch of guys like

playing leaky submarine with some girl just walk walk

walk there’s hole back here but uh

and but that’s another

thing i don’t

think that has nothing to do with brothers that’s just

freaks seriously when hanging out with wild people man

i guarantee you

to it a trend

topic who run

trains dude people run

trains in all races really yeah if you run the train

listen we’re on the podcast

on the internet

right now i

never talk about this

how many people

can you guess how many people you’ve had sex with

yeah really

well i’ve got like eight

eight that’s it it’s good

you’re doing well my wife was

about seven more than i

expected from

i figured after that wait she just called

it quits but then i remembered you had a daughter

i don’t know man i stopped counting

when you’re when your

comic and you’re on the road

things get squirrely

when you’re single man you can do whatever you want oh

things can get squirrely

oh my god how many

comics do you know that

would literally gets

what they were looking for

more than even doing comedy they just want to get laid

after shows oh

every single one

we know a lot of guys i know guys have

damaged their careers because they don’t

write they don’t

do anything all they do is just try to go up

on stage and kill

and hope they meet a girl

after the show that was the that might be

that was the way i i

i wrap my head around the store

really i thought the

store was all like fucking a med

sebastian steve brett

i thought mike

young i thought they all just

went up murdered just to fuck

and then i was like you

think they did is that

do you think that that’s like a

was that a valid

thought or is that just

your own weird

paranoia semi

valid thought i think

i did a tour with

those guys once and they were just like

they’re like i was doing more time

like what the fuck are you doing like i was we were

east doing like

twenty minutes and i was doing thirty

what are you doing

thirty four let’s get out of here

that’s good bar

that’s fucking tell everybody

where to party

i was like i’m

married i own a due time

that’s funny

you wanted to do

extra stand up and they wanted to get off quicker

so that what they’re worried

about see if there’s

mike young brent

ernst and aaron

was an a indicator

all in one room

and then you know

you want to be the

first guy off

stage because

you want to be the one to attack quick

you don’t want to

get there after mike

young has already

taken her into the bathroom yeah

could be careful fucking mike young

god mike young

mike his middle name isn’t

mike isn’t young anymore

that’s what

should be he

eats like a

crazy man too does he

oh yeah he’s got that

pancreatic cancer in his family

what’s that what

he’s got cancer

brain cancer pancreatic

so if you ever eat with him

you’ve eaten with them what does he eat

he just eats very healthy like we

went to hooters one day and he had chicken breast and

and a bowl of

lettuce and i was

like what and he was like man i got to keep my healthy

my shit clean

cancer runs in my family and

creeps up and you die wow

yeah that’s creepy like he doesn’t

drink beers he’ll do shots of tequila

oh that’s healthy

that’s real good for

you yeah what

the fuck is that

that’s that’s so fucking

who joey diaz has

started smoking

cigarettes again what

yeah what is he doing wait

how i saw him smoking

he didn’t just

start it’s been

going on for a

while he smoked

one at the airport the other day

smoke he was

talking for a

while he was telling me that he only

smokes them before shows but then i saw him

smoking one at the airport

what’s going on he’s awesome

how old is joey diaz

you know joey does joe

it’s like bigfoot

no when he dies there will be no record of him

who do you want to take

at your funeral no one

no one no one

light me on fire who gives a fuck are you serious yeah

stupid i don’t want a

bunch of people

standing around crying

because i’m gone

i don’t like yeah i don’t like

going to them

i hate funerals i’ve skipped like the last three

that died yeah

my friends were friends die i you know i

mourn them in my own mind and

think about them but

i’m not into it really um

so when did he

start smoking

cause i see him the other day with a

cigarette i go what the fuck is going on

well you know how i found out brian

did you tell me or did ari tell me ari told me

joey’s outside smoking

and i go did we just smoked

i thought he meant weed he goes no no he’s smoking that

other stuff

i go other stuff

you said that yeah

and then we were working in brea

and then i went outside and joey smoking a

cigarette with you

i go what are you doing just gets the fucking

party started this gets the blood pumping

you know i’m saying

right before i go on

stage i go you smoking cigarettes

no no no right before i go up

right before i go up

just get a little taste

get a little fucking makes me

crazy makes me

nuts i just want to go up there and go fucking nuts on

these motherfuckers

it’s been a

while actually i’ve

known about it for

maybe a year

wow does terry

still smoke does this girl

still smoke

i don’t think she does but she did last time i saw her

she did last time you saw her

which was how long ago

well not long

ago at all the

drunk cast did the

ufc drunk cast

i don’t like people dabbling the

cigarettes man you know scary thing joe we had on ari’s

podcast yesterday on death squad we had

mac linsey and he was i don’t know if you saw it or

not but he was talking about how he

you know grew up

being a huge drug addict homeless you know meth head

and he did like doug stanhope show

while he was on meth and

like doug like we were talking for five years and

i mean it’s a pretty interesting interview

but the one

thing he’s like he’s like you know

everything else i

haven’t touched anything for five years or anything but

fucking cigarettes

i can’t fucking do it he’s like i’ve

tried so many

times he’s like it’s impossible he’s like i’ll quit

it’s just amazing how

i mean meth even

you know that’s why

i’m like looking at joey and i’m like what makes you

think you had a real hard time for years he

would tell me

joe rogan is the hottest fucking

thing i ever had to quit

those cigarettes

there’s something

in them they get in your bones you know i’m saying

never leave

getting your fucking

sweat your blood

you get in there and you can’t get them out joe rogan

you can’t get them out

and now i see it i see someone smoking

it makes me sick

makes me sick

to my stomach i can’t believe i ever did that

so to see him smoking

again after all that

sounds like

even though you say that

which is what i would say

to when i quit and

that’s what you did

say when you quit

in the back of your head though

every time you

smell it or see a

cigarette you

still think i

still think

about it i haven’t smoked

in i haven’t

spoke to him oh well over

20 years what does it make you feel like what

what happens

when it what

what does it

give you what is the feeling like because no one

see when you

smoke pot you sit back you know like

whoa like you

feel it hit you it’s instant it changes your outlook

it gives you an altered perception

it’s like it

changes your body it makes you more sensitive

i see people smoking

cigarettes and i’m like you’re

still the same guy

there’s nothing

happening it

relaxes you

it does relax it

relaxes i chewed

tobacco for a long time no

for the same reason

yeah i chewed tobacco cause

like i couldn’t imagine doing

this what we’re doing

right now without a dip in my

mouth really

i couldn’t imagine i

could not imagine if you if you someone

would come into like our lounge and our fraternity or

or into my apartment

and be like dude you’re

never gonna believe what happened i’d be like give me a

second let me get a dip

cause a good

story was like you had to have a dip

first oh man

sal from sal’s comedy

holes addicted to

cigars holy shit that guy is just

i go how many do you

smoke a day he’s like ah

all day i go

all day and he

smokes them when they’re like just another

blob and then

he goes and

give somebody

money to go buy a more is he

does he inhale them

no you don’t

inhale cigars some people do

really yeah

usually people that are

addicted to cigars

yeah most people are addicted to

cigars like i

smoke cigars

but i don’t inhale them

so if i have one it’s

gonna be because my dad’s in town

where someone says hey

would anyone like a cigar

dude you want to come with me man i got

a membership at the

grand havana

room i got a

humid door up there and

everything seriously yeah you don’t

smoke cigars yeah i do i do

me and my friend matt we go there

every now and then

the little butt buddies

where our names on the plaque together we

share a box we got a

bunch of cuban

cigars in there yeah it’s the shit

yeah you sit down and feel like a fat cat you know

all these assholes

but what’s really interesting is how

many like celebrities go there you see like look it’s

david caruso

who looks a million years old by the way

just like wow that was the guy that’s the guy from

nypd blue now he’s

become this

weird sort of caricature

with you know

his sunglasses and the csi miami

those shows man you doing one of

those shows man

you want to talk

about a life

changing thing that’s your new life pal

your new life it revolves

around this show that you’re doing because you’re

gonna film it most of the year and you’re

gonna film it most of the day most of the week

almost the entire week you’re gonna be

spent filming five six days a week 12 hour days

sometimes more depending on what shots need to get done

those fucking shows are brutal

i’ve had a bunch of offers i’ve had a few

things come my way

where you know they wanted

to meet me for something like that i’m like what is it

single camera

drama so stop

stop talking

stop talking stop it really hurts

i’m not doing it you don’t seem like a five year

playing kind of

guy the more time goes on man the more i am just

enjoying doing comedy

doing the podcast

and doing the

ufc and i wish the

ufc i would like to do less of those

i love doing it

but sometimes i

travel just a bit too much i

would love it

if it was like in la or something like that

but sometimes it’s hard but when i’m there i

never wish i was anywhere else

i’m enjoying

everything i do

so i’m very careful

right now to make

sure that i don’t take on anything else that i don’t

enjoy cause

right now my life

is like a little masterpiece like i’ve got it set up so

i’m like when i’m in town i’m

enjoying everything i’m doing i have the

greatest group of friends

you know and a part of it is this podcast you know

and now because this podcast

the people that

are coming to see me at the shows are different

it’s like now

they’re all podcast fans and they really know

where the fuck

i’m coming from and we’re all coming from

i mean brian gets fucking huge

rounds of applause when he goes on

stage now brian do like five

minute sets and

in portland

gets huge rounds of applause

ari does two huge huge

round applause in seattle

brian’s the puff

daddy of podcasts ballin bro

but it’s you know

it’s all good

stuff it’s not like when i was doing fear factor

it was like it was a great job

it paid ridiculous

money and it was really easy it was

three days a week

but during those

three days i

would wish i was doing something else

and i did it

happily because it was a lot of money

but there’s

never a time when i’m doing a podcast

never a time when i’m doing

stand up never a time when i’m doing the ufc

where i go wow i wish i was doing something else yeah

every time there’s a

ufc i’m like

fuck yeah here we go you know the

boom boom the

sound comes on

the lights dim

first fight

starts i’m like whoa

punch knuckles with mike goldberg here we go

every time man i’m like a little kid i love it there’s

never a time

where i’m like

god i can’t believe i’m sitting here

watching fights

never never and to

stand up right before i’m

gonna go on

stage there’s

never a time

where i’m like fuck i can’t believe i’m doing stand up

never never now

how much how much does money

incorporate into any of your decision making

well it has to

but luckily i make good

money from the ufc and i make good money from

stand up so it doesn’t have to it’s like long as

those things are covered

then i don’t have to think

about it it’s when they’re not covered

then it has to become an issue like

so much okay go ahead like say when i first

started doing fear factor i was not making really good

money with standup i was doing newsradio

at the same

time can you tell me how much you’re making on standup

beckman a few grand a week

like couple grand couple grand

okay yeah two grand 2500 maybe in a good week

but i was doing like thursday through sunday you know

maybe newsradio was getting

it was a little more than that towards

the end because it was 99 when i put out my cd and that

definitely helped

and i was getting paid better in clubs

and there were some

places where i

could sell out

but it was inconsistent and it was few and far between

so when something

like fear factor came up it was like well

here’s a good chance to make really good

money you know

and when you

say like 2500 people go wow that’s a lot of money

but then you know when you take away

agents fees manager

fees and also business manager and

and consider you’re also

a different

tech bracket

on news radio

yeah so you’re

i can tell you exactly how much you walk away with 2500

yeah that was my rate

yeah you walk away with 30 cents on the dollar

35 cents on the dollar

so ridiculous

yeah it’s ridiculous

but that’s just the way it is so you have to make good

money to stay

ahead of the curve

and then if you want to be able to relax

you have to have enough in the bank so you don’t worry

if something happens

i mean financial freedom the real financial freedom is

not the freedom

to buy things and to own

things the real financial freedom is to not

worry about

money that’s the number one thing

get yourself in a

place where you

could feed yourself

and be able to

brian cowan

said this to me once and i really took it to heart

and he goes

being rich i’d like to be rich yeah yeah yeah

but you know what i want to do

so i want to be able to go to a nice restaurant

whenever i want

go to a nice restaurant

and i’m like

that’s so true like be able to eat at a nice

place and never go well how much is the steak 28

how much is the fish

24 the fish

you know that feeling

which i mean

you know i mean

i clearly remember

thinking like that you know

that’s real financial freedom you don’t have to think

about stuff

so the way i’ve got

everything set up man it’s like i’m in a real good spot

right now so i

gotta be real careful

about taking on any

other things

i talked about

i’m pitching this show right now

it’s sort of

based on some of the ideas that came up on the podcast

but really the more i’m thinking

about it the

more i’d rather just put cameras on the podcast

that’s what

really yeah

that seems like the most ideal

thing because we’re pretty much doing it already

might as well do it

do it not like

this in your career i

would say this is probably the most

and this is this is just for as a person who’s

who’s obviously

been a fan of yours and

i’d say a friend somewhat but

this is probably the most representative of you

and this is

this is your

this is the one

thing that i

think when you

past people will go

dude his podcast was fucking

that was before people were really

like doing them and it was just it was

breaking ground i mean it was like

and it was his it’s your personality

your stand ups your personality

but it also has to be

delivered in a one to set

there is a payoff in

every moment your

stand up so

you will compromise

despite how much people will argue this

you will compromise

your voice for a joke yes

a lot of times yes it’s different

and i don’t feel like i have to get my

voice out anymore

i used to feel like there were certain

things that i wanted to say on

stage that maybe i couldn’t

say because i couldn’t condense it into a joke form

i don’t feel like that anymore

you know there’s a lot of

stuff that i have there’s a lot of

weird thoughts

that i have that i’ve expressed on the podcast and i’ve

explored in

depth that almost have no payoff as far as humor

you know like my idea

about the whole

universe being some complex mathematical problem

every literal

thing that goes on is just a part of some

giant fucking algorithm this is something i’ve been

dwelling on for a long long time there’s nothing

humorous in that

but we’ve discussed it on the podcast a

bunch of times i totally believe that in parallel

states yeah i fucking

totally believe in that shit i believe that do you ever

think to yourself like

i can’t believe i’m

still alive no

brian does cause brian ate onions this morning and his

heart almost fucking exploded

onions his heart palpitation

brian has this

super hot girl

can you tell the

story that you were telling me right before you

started the show about how lazy you are

oh yeah sure

tell this this is how ridiculous this motherfucker is

first of all this girl is dating

ten okay ten

solid ten not ten face but a six personality

not ten face

but a five body she’s a fucking ten she’s ten la ten

is an la ten la ten

legit ten fucking i don’t i don’t use la

tens i use tens this is

i don’t i don’t

judge anybody in any

other way this is it okay

straight of across the

boards no no

doubt i was just too

tired to have sex what’s

wrong with that no tell me what you did

i i went down on her

getting she had orgasms

and i was like i’m good

going to bed

dude you need to go to a doctor all

right you need to

get your fucking

blood work done

find out you need niacin in your diet and

my wife incorporates some

squats and deer

get off the cigarettes

we had sex we had

this is my wife

would hate that i’m talking

about this don’t let her know we have a podcast

my wife couldn’t figure out a fucking computer

it’s broken

it’s broken i don’t

why does it always

break when i touch it

cause you’re fucking retarded

and so she says um we had

my whole thing is go oral

first and then

we’ll do tuesdays right

and so we had oral sex and then she said

said all right and she goes well

what about just me doesn’t that ever

like it’s so often it’s just you

what am i really just

get head all the time like no no just i

just squirt it in there and go to

sleep you guys be like

sorry really do you do that

you don’t you realize how different we

are i enjoy eating

pussy i’ve talked about it many times so i did too

even if i’m not horny and

air horny i’d be like

oh dude i’ll totally take care of you you don’t get

horny once you’re

eating pussy

yeah it’s pretty good that’s like saying like

i yeah i’ll just chew it and spit on the floor

i mean i’m going to fucking swallow it right

i’m gonna go bill burr on your ass don’t talk about

rss feed i’m not saying that’s what i do

every time last night i was so fucking tired

i’ve never been too tired to fuck

yeah i’ve never been too tired to drink and

i woke up and took care of her

so but brian

did you you were not aroused at all i want you to

sleep last night i seriously was so fucking big

actually i take it back i know why i did it on

top of being so tired i was fucking

stuffed out of my mind

i made like these huge garlic steaks and vegetables and

stuff so it was more just kind of like you know what

i’m just not your

system is just crawled down to a hulk kid

you know where you’re supposed to take a nap

you know after you eat a big nose

she wants her box eaten

yeah and she’s a ten

yeah yeah me molly falls asleep that’s

i mean i maybe could consider

licking it she uh

oh he’s like thank god

i could maybe consider that if i had

taken an ambient and had one of those

sleepwalking episodes

and my wife’s like you woke up in the middle of the

night and ate my

pussy you don’t remember that and i’m like

almost been the ambient

but i can’t imagine just doing that sober

do you ever worry

do you ever worry that she’s gonna

think that you’re not attracted to her if you don’t

i don’t fuck her when now because normally

i wish we were at my

house right now so i could just go grab my

trash can we normally fuck like what six times a day

so grab your trash can

huh wait what are you doing grab your trash can

oh son god jesus christ

the national average is six times a

month i know that’s what my

normal average is too up below the average

for fucking paraplegics

she’s one of the i’m very lucky

cause she’s one of those girls that you could just

touch her in the arms she goes

you know like that

it says she’s just fucking text you the other day

why do i find listening to you fuck

talks so distasteful

there’s something about it just

i’m like i’m going like this with my mouth

she’s one of

those girls that always

grabbed your hand when you’re just in the middle

of conversation and she just puts her hand in her

pussy and it’s just like

juice oh one of

those girls yeah yeah

those don’t

exist in my

world okay the

note never no i’ve

never had a

point you have a very small

like test group

you’re working with

eight people

i’m target marking out of iowa

i’m trying to

learn how rice krispies sell

only in this one city didn’t you say that your show is

targeted like that

whole network is

targeted towards

women towards

women yes network

he’s on the

travel channel

which by the way one of my favorite shows

two of my favorite shows

anthony bourdain’s

no reservations i fucking love that show oh great a

great show and made

it really recommended some

great restaurants to me

because of that show i

found out about

a great seafood place

god i can’t remember the name

in austin it

would be great if i

could pull the name out of my ass

but it was a fantastic seafood

place in austin that i

found out about

i found out about

places in la

i found out about a

place in la a mexican joint that

serves goats

okay they have

giant fucking

like sides of goat and they’re sawing it with a bandsaw

and cooking it all together they cook like hundreds of

pounds of goat every day

it’s amazing

you know i found out

about a bunch of

great places

and then also that

steve renella show yeah

you said did not get such good ratings on

yeah maybe shouldn’t be done

yeah but no

it might be done

do amazing they

gonna bring it back you

think i doubt it really i’m speculating

what the fuck do i

hear i know nothing i know nothing

good fucking

show but yeah

it was a good show

but you know here’s the

thing is that you know

for a first

season show you

kinda gotta

hit a home run

i mean there’s

cause it’s you know

people get just as

excited about new projects

as they do successes but they don’t get

excited for shows that did

pretty good well also when you’re dealing with a women

based network man it’s

gonna be hard to promote a show about

hunting i think

all i think

all networks

other i mean almost all networks really

target women

no that’s no not at all no no

no eighteen to

thirty four males eighteen to thirty

four males are

where the money is

that’s what they always talk really yeah

maybe i got our demographic off but i could’ve

swear money

as far as i mean obviously you can make a lot of

money if you’re oprah

but as far as like you know

the people that

spend the most it’s 18 to 34 year

old males that’s the 18 to 49 occasionally depending on

how far they want to stretch your demographic or like

23 to 52 i bet

travel and food

network and there’s a couple of those that

i’ll do women i

could see that totally you

know the you know

and anthony bourdain

anthony bourdain’s show is very male centric i

would think you know the way he discusses

things and talks

about things and

drinks a lot and

it’s a fun fucking show yeah but i

think even like

adam richman’s

show is very

women love it but

women like i mean i

think women will

watch a guy they

want to connect with connect with like

you know that’s what i

think was a big fear of my show is that i’m kind of a

meathead i’m like

a forest broke

gum frappe boy

right so like

who wants to

watch a guy

scream all over the

world and jump and then they


your charm exactly that’s what i said bitches

but i just need to step

but now that but

our shows doing good and and

so and you told me this adam richman guy this man

versus food

he got so fucking fat that he

doesn’t even do the challenges anymore

i never said that joe

oh okay you didn’t say that no

what i heard on the internet

it wasn’t you

i’m sorry it wasn’t you

what i heard on the

internet was that this guy got so fucking fat that he

doesn’t do the challenges anymore is that true no he

no he’s not doing the challenges anymore what the fuck

is that cause

i think that’s the

whole show though i don’t

think he got fat i

think he just fucked his body up

i think it’s just very unhealthy

the reason why i said this is there was a threat

about it on my message

board this is a

long time ago before i even talked to anybody about it

and it showed a

picture of him from

season one to what

season is he in now

season four

poor fuck yeah

but he’s his body just you know

he does all the

like cleanses and

detoxes and even

still was just like fuck i’m eating

30 pound cheeseburgers you

can’t do that show you can’t do that show for six

seasons for 20 seasons

so they had to kind of change it i

think to make it more of a


show for so it

could carry on that long

and so now it’s called man

versus food nation

and they’re doing it

where he brings in

like they did the

nasty boys in tampa

where the i mean i

definitely shouldn’t be talking

about a show

talk about a show bro but yeah

let’s talk about bert the

motherfucking conqueror

tell these bitches when they can

watch it when is it on

sunday nights at

eight o’clock

sunday nights at

eight o’clock

i will now set my dvr

bert is a fucking hero

he’s one of my favorite

human beings

on the planet that is the you

you’re a fucking you’re an awesome dude man you got a

great laugh you got a

great personality your stories are the shit

please tell that fucking barnes and noble

story on stage

it’s gonna be a

crusher dude it’s a

and you can do that russian one too

bert kreischer if you want to follow bert on twitter

you can follow him it is

b e r t k r

e i s c h e

r that’s a complicated ass

fucking name

change that like

bert is cool

or something can you change your handle bert

is the shit bert

yeah i used to be joe rogan

net it used to be dot

met but it was so long it was impossible to retweet me

like if i said anything

funny like you

would have to

like chop it all up because there was too many words

like if i tried to use

like i used to

think like the new twitter you can retweet

something and it just retweets it in its entirety

like a separate

140 characters

but it used to not

be that it used to be that when you retweeted something

you had to account for all the characters inside

their name you don’t have to

do that anymore no no you don’t have to do it anymore

on twitter you just hit retweet and it can just

take care of it the way it is so

anyway and some dude had joe rogan

what can i change mine to

just do it make sure it’s something that is

memorable you

don’t have to do your last name like burt k

or how about burt likes to fuck

yeah or the

machine and tell your wife

about it just all nonchalantly

yeah i changed my twitter name to burt likes to fuck

what what burt likes to fuck who

i just like it in general

i just like it

i don’t like it with the awesomest

it’s the greatest

thing ever your fans are

ridiculous on twitter

i went last time i did this show

i got like 3

000 fans really well we want you to get 3 000 more

today and you

know and anytime

i told you anytime you ever have a show

please let me know and i’ll tweet it

and we’ll pump it up on the podcast i want one of

those so bad you want a

flashlight i got one for you

are you serious yeah exactly it’s so awkward to buy one

well you don’t have

to buy one i’ll give you a free one joe used that one

last night no

i didn’t use that one i

haven’t used any

of the ones that are laying around here if you go to

joebrogan net and

click the link we want to

thank first of all

thank the flashlight for being our sponsor

it’s a cool company

and you know it’s embarrassing for a

lot of people and now it’s become 10 minutes of my act

right now i did a joke i was

wrong i made a joke the

other day on

stage i don’t remember the

reference i don’t know how it came out

but i made a joke

about a flashlight

and said i said yeah and then just type in the

promo code rogan

and the place went fucking bananas

cause their podcast yeah

and i but it was an irvine and i just

type in the

promo rogan

and they fucking went

crazy that’s hilarious well you

said you had

a lot of people come up to you and i have more

people come up to me from your show than my tv show

wow that is i mean it’s and

i love it because it’s your your comedy fans are like

straight up comedy fans yeah

they don’t fucking heckle they don’t

they don’t like

drink too much and get fucking kicked out they’re just

good like just random

random i told you a girl from hgtv listens to this

yeah a woman

what are the heads of directors of hgtv was like

i heard you on the rogan podcast

rights dtv hg

that’s what

i thought you talking

about hd that makes

sense because that’s like the

fight network and they were like straight up like okay

i was like shut up oh that’s awesome

hi to her hey

listen the best thing

about this podcast is that we develop like a real

connection with all

these people and it’s like

you know what people tell me is

it’s like they’re hanging out with us

you know what i mean

dude the best testament to this show

and i swear this on my children

when i’m on

the road i’ll put on the podcast and put it on low

in the pillow next to me i just feel

like i’m listening to friends talking the other room

and it puts me to

sleep and i just go

but a lot of times i had to stop

cause i would

i get out weird

yeah i can’t

do it to a new one because i’ll end up listening to the

whole fucking

thing all right

the old reruns and it needs to be re

like someone

is your friend energy

like just very like mm hmm

and i’ve listened

is that your re impression

but the one

where you guys had the

blackout yeah

still i listened

that a million times because i love listening to

i love that

he passes out halfway through

yeah he was

completely gone well

joey got so

tired because he

ate a cookie and

he smoked joints and he had to hit the bag he had the

vaporizer bag to

he gets so hot he goes down a downward spiral

joey’s the reason why i

found out the difference between indica

and sativas

because i never

smoke indicus

i really didn’t

realize that there’s so much of a difference

until i smoke joey’s weed

me and brian and duncan were hanging out in houston

texas we’re in the

lobby of the hotel

and we were just sitting there

slack jawed and no one was moving

no was going anywhere and i was like what the fuck is

wrong with us

and then and then i

think it was duncan that realized it

right he goes i

think we just smoked joey’s weed

like oh no what have we done

cause jelly just like i just like to get

blasted dog i don’t give a fuck alright

og kush what do you got there

third eye train

wreck come with it bitches

come with it

he’ll just whatever the fuck you got man he’ll

smoke it but he used to be on he

doesn’t do it anymore now he likes hybrids

which are good because hybrids give you like that heady

thing but it also

relaxes you

good for comedy

when i when i fucking

whenever i get the chance to have a regular life

maybe i’ll take

up weed smoking then but i can’t do it now

fucking all over the

place you could dude look we’re

gonna get you

an isolation tank

we’re gonna get you some exercise

videos to follow we are

gonna rebuild bert kreischer

thank you to the

flashlight for

sponsoring our show if you go to

joe rogan net

click in the code name rogan

you get fifteen percent off

folks who are interested in coming to see me in toronto

there’s a very few tickets left they’re almost out

and the only way you can get them now

ticket hall

ticketmaster sold out

but if you go to my twitter

there’s a link for the massey hall is

where i’m playing

and they have tickets available on

their website

but that’s it and i can’t fucking wait it’s

gonna be awesome i can’t wait to go there

thank you everybody that came to portland

portland was the shit

one of my new favorite towns

thanks to everyone

nicest people ever

nicest people everybody was super cool

and like i said

never been handed more weed

ever in my life

after shows

i felt bad like take your weed i can’t take this

i have too much i can’t

bring it home with me

philly philly is all sold out i believe we put in the

second show

thursday night

and that might be the only

thing that’s

there’s tickets left so that’s helium and philly

which is next weekend

and that’s with joey and ari it’s the full

death squad bitches

brian would go because

girls having her birthday

and he has to eat her box wow well

so that’s it

folks and we’ll see you

thursday and friday

is going to be

kevin from attack of the show

really special

yeah special

friday episode

the guy i don’t know how

to say prayer

how do you pronounce

his last name

kevin never

know this that guy he’s very cool i’ve

known him many times and

i never i don’t forget how to

we’ll figure it out we’re

gonna get to the bottom of this

that’ll be friday at

three and somebody else on

thursday i’m not sure

maybe steven is easy if he’s home

all right bitches

you know i love you

thank you very much for tuning in

thank you very

much for coming out to all the shows and for

everything you do and for being a part of this fucking

crazy experience we’re all

going through together burke kragers

in the motherfucking

house ladies and gentlemen

burke kreischer

thank you bert

appreciate it brother

thank you joe

thank you brian

man subscribe to

death squad

watch my show this

sunday yeah watch bert

crush your show please

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