ladies and gentlemen the Joe Rogan
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alright and with that said buckle up bitches
the Joe Rogan Experience
that black guy voice makes me uncomfortable dude
I’m gonna be honest with you
cause it’s not really a black guy
voice it’s a white guy talking like a
black guy which is
never cool which is it not even right it’s actually a
robot that’s
been programmed to be a black guy
what’s a robot that’s white
made by white people they don’t know how to do a black
voice I like Keira Knightley better
keira Knightley was better that was so hot
there’s something
about someone a black guy faking a white voice
is really completely acceptable
you know the best black voice
yeah oh dude what is it does it
weird you out though when you can call somebody on the
phone and you know that they’re black
when you’re talking to him
you’re like how would I describe this to an alien
you know how would I describe how I know this is a
black guy but I know it’s a black guy
I missed that laugh
there’s something about
that laugh brought to you by Bert Kreischer
ladies and gentlemen follow Bert on Twitter for not
your A R E I S C H E R
also known as Bert the Conqueror on the Travel Channel
which just started
right yep last week was our first episode first
week powerful
and it was a rating success great ratings and great
social media success social
media success was a brand new thing they track on
trend TV or TV trenders
and my agent sent it to me he’s like you conquered
and I was like I did he was like you were number 9
right behind the Kardashians well right behind
the fucking ass but it’s just me it’s me I literally
here’s my theory about promotion on Twitter
I think you have to promote with a joke
and that’s my rule
if you obsessively like like
like I told you the other day
Ralphie is just taking Twitter to a brand new level
thank you Brian Joe hasn’t seen any of it
I’m like how you dodge that bullet
that’s like show it coming out of my rack
and go they’ve been bombing in here
like it is like what Ralphie made
up to I guarantee you he tweeted the last 2 minutes
guarantee yeah I just added them and then already he’s
been Kevin Smithing me yeah
for people who don’t know
is it Ralphie
underscore may
I don’t know it’s him in that big orange jacket yeah
Ralphie underscore may it’s
whoa Jesus Christ he’s been on Twitter for
how long like a
week literally
literally a week
maybe a week and 1/2 and and and he had like 15 tweets
or like 20 tweets up
until then and I’m sure there’s a thousand now how many
tweets he has because for some
reason my my computer has gone back to the old Twitter
you know I was
using the new Twitter
you know the
the new Twitter site I don’t know how to how to
switch it up it’s not at the very top hmm
is it is it ralphi
underscore may
ralphie underscore May here I’ll just go into my
trend yeah and I’ll find him right away
what happened all
right he’s got a total of
what that can’t be
right he just
started using it
1082 tweets and he’s only been using
it a couple weeks god that’s
that’s true
true yeah that’s true
unless he’s got some kind of
he’s now Ralphis
defense in Ralphis defense he’s not
promoting anything
he’s simply arguing he hasn’t
learned not to argue with people yet
so he’s just
going back and
forth that’s something you really have to
learn too oh man
you have to
learn that shit
yeah I just I never
reply to anyone at all
and I promote I only promote with the joke so if I’m
gonna promote
the show I’ll do something funny
promote it I
think those get retweeted
I try to be as
I’m not always
funny if I find some interesting shit I just
throw up some interesting shit anything
anything that I
think is fascinating whether it’s
funny or not
and if I have
to promote something I promote something but
I always try to
treat it as if I’m always
aware of people’s
attention spans and anything interesting that I find
I give to Twitter
immediately
I’ll give it right back
you’re a different animal than say myself or Brian
who if we promote then people just delete us we like
enough of that shit yeah
people want to see
shit they don’t want to see our shit
and they want to see you
left and right
where the guy at the
where the guy that orgy fingering asshole you know
everyone came to fuck
where the guys just POW
even grosser I went to this one
guy’s Twitter I don’t mention his name because I don’t
particularly like him
but it was all
promoting some
special that’s coming out
and it was all like him
tweeting celebrities
using the exact same wording
just having a different celebrities
named hey Blank
hey you know whoever
Kim Kardashian
holla atcha boy my specials coming out blah blah blah
and it was his
whole Twitter was that is he an official
Twitter like
a verified account yeah yeah he’s very common wow
that’s somebody I wonder if that’s even almost like
an assistant that’s like no you’re supposed to be it
could be it
could be that or it
could be just someone who
doesn’t know how to use social
media and is an
annoying cunt
what’s his name rhyme with
we’ll talk later
I tweeted the Game on
Sunday like
an hour before my show
started the Game the Rapper yeah I was like
yo the Game you in LA I’m having a barbecue at my house
bring over some potato salad
but how it feels like if he does reply
you got a problem hoods on my shit son
here’s what I used to do okay
ready this was the my favorite
thing to do
I used to go on to
black centric 10
trend topics
okay black centric
type or whatever
the trend topic is it’s
gonna something there’s
gonna be one
that reads black
like like like
like mine was
V Day gifts for the hood
Valentine’s Day gifts for the hood and so I thought it
would be funny
and you know it’s all like very it’s
black people being
racist about
black people it’s just them writing like get her a
click clack you know she needs a gun in the hood
get her another
baby you know she’s already got 10 of yos
how about child support son
and so then I
wrote back I
wrote back how
about anything
dungeons and Dragons son
and no one got it
right no one
laughed at all and they
started getting mad like what are you doing in here man
get out get out white boy
and then I was like give me another
chance they said get out white boy
this is for the hood
don’t you read the
trend topic
and I’m like
alright how
about a classy pen
and they’re like
a classy pen
like what the fuck
and then I was
like alright alright alright one more chance
how about a bottle of champagne but you
spray it all
over like a hoe and they’re like that’s more like it
oh my goodness but
Tom Segura I got Tom
Segura on them
and sagura started
and I started doing them
and it was like I forget the one
I know it saved in my
phone but I got
Sagura on them and I was just I was like don’t
write anything
racist just
write very good
suggestions
that you would think
one was things
black people Scared of
and then and this is so this is a
trending topic how do you
start a trending
topic if you want
the topic is
pound sign and then one word I’ll tell you what yeah
like whatever it is one word all in one word right
right now like what are
black people scared of
would be no
spaces all one word Charlie Sheen has been one
right winning
winning Tiger
Blood yeah and then
the trend topics
right now is
what’s dead in 2011
why can’t you just
so like I’m sure it’s like why can’t you just
pick up your
baby girl when you say to pick up your baby girl
and then this one’s
asked a little
twist okay see
this little
twist for your
fans I’m sure
I’m not I don’t
think he’s a scientist
I’m gonna say
he doesn’t teach much let’s Google
let’s Google Lil
Twist whenever
something like this happens I don’t want
people guessing a
child rapper
whenever something like this happens I get I
really feel so out of it man
when I hear
about this child born in 93
Jesus Christ
he was born when I was auditioning for Newsradio
I graduate that’s when he shot out of his mom’s box
93 wow I was
still in college
his name is Christopher L More
born January 11th 1993 better
known as his
stage name Lil Twist
he’s an American rapper an American rapper from Dallas
he signed onto Lil
wayne’s label
oh that’s why he’s Lil
Lil Twist lil
Wayne don’t know
rapper I don’t
understand little
6ft is what they’re
probably lil
Wayne is a fascinating
cultural icon to me I watch his
music and I am
completely perplexed and
it’s like a language I just do not
speak it doesn’t
whatever it is it just
doesn’t get me I don’t
understand it
they are fucking
he is huge man he is gigantic
massive he couldn’t be bigger
is he the biggest rapper ever
one of them he is he is the biggest rapper
he is the most commercially
successful rapper
right now I
think probably ever
but I feel like I
should give him another chance I feel like
there must be
some reason why I’m
here comes the
black in me out
his earlier
stuff is much better than his
later stuff
when he was with the hot boys
he was amazing I ran into him in Juvenile
him juvenile
and like they had a fan
there was 4 of them
out of New Orleans and his earlier
stuff he was good man
he had rhymes that
would blow you away wow
so now everyone just go on the little twist
ask Little Twist trend topic
and ask very insightful questions that you know little
Twist doesn’t have the answer for
just not don’t try to be
racist the whole goal is not to be racist
it’s just to be like
seriously do you think there’s you know
life forms out in the universal twist
and like just see what Little Twist is answers really
is an answer for that listen Little
Twist grew up the internet he might be
smart as fuck yeah
the thing about kids
today man you can never
underestimate them it’s not like they
don’t have the same access to information that we do
when we were
kids we were retarded because no one told us shit
we were figuring
things out like little
monkeys just wandering around our neighborhoods
but now there’s no more neighborhoods man there’s
the whole world man
those stupid
rumors that you
heard about
Dude I heard that
Rod Stewart
had to get his stomach pumped and there was 1gal of
sperm inside
you know like
those stupid fucking stories only
like lingered
and worked because we didn’t have anything else
you know that shit
would never fly through
yes yeah like
Richard Gill
which by the way I heard was
this is my herd
this is my rumor
I heard that that was
Scientology
spreading that
rumor to fuck with him
because he left
Scientology
yeah that’s why it hurt I
just I might have just made that shit up
what’s good to Google that so now here
I’ll tell you the so this is the trend
topic I started
was and this is what this
brings it back to our conversation yesterday
I started doing a trend
topic what will the maid
think when she sees this
that was the
trend topic okay
so then I started leaving a
hotel room in a manner so that the maid walked in
she would go what the fuck happened in here
okay now now you’re on your Twitter
right now I’m just
gonna tweet
these Joe and
I’m telling you when I say this this
might be my opus
okay this might be the this funnier
than anything I’ve ever done on
stage okay I
definitely think that
I’m on the homepage waiting so now and I’m
tweeting tweet
I’m tweeting the
first and there
I at signed you
so this is the and it’s
going chronologically
I’ve gotten much better as you’ll see
my later work
much like Lil wayne’s
did you say your
early inspired shit was really good I just
started getting to the next level
like Adam Richman
started doing them too and then he
started challenging me on Twitter
and then people were like
dude you guys are fucking and then I
started like really thinking out of the box
and I got into this Jackson
Pollock hyper
like tweet this shit son I’m trying to get all the
tweet in it
where the fuck is it it’s coming up right now
and so I got into this
manic state
when I was in New York to impress
and I was trying
to come out with them to promote the show
and I was getting
some good ones man like really fucking impressive
I mean like some good
shit I guarantee you there’s artists on Twitter that go
you’ve got great conceptual
boundaries or whatever it is what really
I’m telling you Joe is your artist on
Twitter that can
teach you how to
tweet up a fucking
tweet here we go
it’s coming up
right now sending tweet
there we go use your cell
phone service
cricket there’s the first one
there’s the second one
and the 3rd one
should be coming up to
oh my goodness here we go
all right here we go
what will the main
think when she sees this okay
blind clicking completely
blind okay I
click this oh
he’s got the bed made up look like a nun
now mind you this is my early work
wait you just
wait till you go through
and see how good my
shit has got
I’ll retweet it I’ll retweet it so you
can get it better that’s fucking beautiful oh there’s a
bunch of I’m telling you I’ve got more than I
could post right now
I just went
to is this how you
and now tell
yourself on the road oh
look at number 2
what’s that one the refrigerator
it looks like a man’s body
a torso with
clothes that’s hilarious this is my I’m telling you
meanwhile the real sad part is the man’s probably not
gonna see it it’s gonna be the next guest
yeah they’re gonna pass right by it
fucking maze like
cleaning that lazy
bitch she’s tired
I talk about this all the time but anyways the
3rd one doesn’t work bro
the 3rd link doesn’t work
I was go now go to the go to the latest recent
Twitter the converse of the APM
with toilet paper and
he fucking he made
a fucking doll this is hilarious this is
gonna take you
I was talking about 3 hours oh my
God 3 hours in a fucking
hotel room just whacked out with a bottle of wine
these are hilarious just
I retweeted the
first and let me retweet the second one this
hotel in Portland we are just in
I usually do the whole come
thing and I don’t
Joe I don’t really do that
I don’t really
normally do it as much as I say I’m not saying I
haven’t done that
but this time
I decided to do it because I was in bed and I was like
look I didn’t
want to wipe it on the bed I didn’t want to get out
so I threw it
kind of up behind me
and it went straight down on my
iPhone good
I hope it gave your iPhone
8 come karma
I hope your iPhone dies
do you think crazy
like my iPhone
starts getting a cough
we’re talking
about bird crushers
hilarious pictures you got to talk about
shooting your own logo what we’re talking
about hotels
no we’re talking
about some very specific
thing this guy’s doing it’s very hilarious
I love the birth of Conqueror one
Sunday at 8 p m My
office that’s
genius man that’s
genius I just
tweeted all
these folks
and if you’re listening to this
on the podcast go back to the day that we recorded this
which is April
5th on Tuesday 3 30 p m
Pacific time so if you want to find
those tweets because they’ll get lost in the mix
that’s hilarious
yeah they’re very
funny I feel like and then I was talking to Heffron the
other day on doing
radio and he was in Pittsburgh
and heffron’s like I love those
pictures I was like why don’t you do them he was like
he was like
you know I thought of it but I didn’t
wanna steal it like I didn’t
wanna do it and feel like I
stole it I go Heffron
and this is to any
comic listening I don’t give a shit
do it but you got to
tweet it to me because I want to see it
right I don’t want to copy your shit right
right so this is the
tweet it’s what
would the mate
what is the the hashtag
the hashtag
didn’t put the hashtag in there but what
would the maid
think when she sees this and that’s why
all one word all one word
what would the maid
think when she sees this and just
tweet it to Bert and let’s let’s fucking get to
his one is great the the guy was jumping out the window
yeah I did that one in Canada
last minute they all happen to the last minute
that’s hilarious
yeah so what’s the fucking
this one fangs look at this this
is ridiculous
that’s the one Adam Richman was like
he’s like you
cheated I go what do you mean I
cheated he goes
you’ve you’re fucking you got to use this shit in
the room and I go no I use the shit in the room that’s
towels napkins
and ketchup
and he was like what
the fuck dude you just owned him that’s why he’s upset
yeah you can’t compete with this I
would quit the game
if you were playing this game I’d be like
this guy’s playing this game way seriousr than I am
but you need
to have you need have a part on your website that has a
collection of
these because that if that becomes big
which I it seems like it would be
you need to be the center home base of that so you
should go home and immediately
did yeah yeah
travel Channel got a hold of it
no like they’re
like we love it we want to use it to promote the show
we’re gonna do a caption contest
we’re gonna do we want to
send them out
and then they
called one day I was in Mexico and they’re like
and I wasn’t
sleeping and they’re like
we need 7 more
I have 7 what the fuck do you
think I’m on meth
how am I gonna come up with 7
and they’re like just do it just do it and I was like
I couldn’t and I was sitting in Mexico
fucking no TV
listening to the Joe Rogan Podcast experience
on my iPad in bed with me in a pillow next to me
cause I couldn’t
I was having anxiety and I was fuckin
flipping out
and it’s like
it’s the best I put it on
low so I feel like friends are talking in the next room
puts me to sleep I just sit there
and then you wake up and you hear
dog dog dog
Joey fucking
he wakes me up every time
anytime he talks
more people complain
about Joey and his volume control
Joey Joey will lean back like this list isn’t his
problem is Joey
we got a fucking problem there Brian
this fucking cocksucker
and then I’ll get
right up in there and you’re like oh
Jesus Christ yeah
he’s someone I feel like I really missed I don’t even
think I want to meet him
like I just cuz I want to just have him be the
personality he is you know he is Joey you don’t have to
worry about meeting him yeah it’s even better
yeah you meet him and you love him you
he’s the most unique
human being I’ve ever met when he tells that
story about his mom I don’t like his
his stories he tells a
story and it’s he’s the best one of the best
storytellers cause
he leaves out the parts that make you stop and wonder
and then right when you’re wondering
he hits you
with the fucking joke yeah like he tells you the
story about like
the them playing cards was his mom gay
I don’t think so
oh I guess he was
I thought there were
lesbians in the story
but there and she’d go
shake your ham Joey
shake your ham
oh when he would dance
shake his hand
in his underwear
this sounds like a fucking
TV show like
I don’t know how this guy has not gotten a TV show
one of the most interesting guys I’ve ever fucking
listened he’s so
crazy that’s why
remember when he got pissed off
yeah for nothing
we were on the way to the gig
right and they were in the
lobby and the show
starts in like you know
20 minutes or 15 minutes whatever the fuck it is
and was so I’m headed downstairs dog
I’ve been waiting for you down here for 1/2 an hour dog
don’t leave me hanging here like this
I got don’t worry
about it the show
starts when we get there come on Dog
you know me dog I get
you can’t leave me hanging here like this dog
and he wouldn’t drop and he got
crazy it got to like the
like that times
5 more levels like
dog you have to give me respect
la la la like
get your respect
dog don’t make me
leave leave
me down here
waiting for your dog
what are you talking about Joey
I’ll take it
meanwhile I’m like
trying to discuss whether or not I
should tell him that I had to take a meaty shit
it took a little longer than I thought it was
gonna take look it’s not
like I don’t want to be on time for my own fucking show
all right we’re here no one’s dying
we’ll be there in 5 minutes it was weird
forever I’ve
known him for like
11 12 years now
maybe even 13 I
might have met him in
yeah might be 13 years fuck that’s
crazy he was drawing a
picture in the green room
while Joe was talking to some friends and he goes
Brian record this I’m like what
and I’m like okay so I
start recording him just drawing something
and then he pulls up the sign that says
Brian loves
Taylor Vixen who’s my ex I’m like
what the fuck and then he pulls out his balls and puts
his balls behind it
and I’m just like
Jesus Christ
man it’s like
Joey diaz’s balls
in a room that small is
I bet his balls are massive
massive you too
queer should go get a room
talking about Joey
Diaz the fuck
dog dog yeah
well what Joey did is he made a
funny video to
brian’s ex cause
Brian and made a couple of other
funny videos
he just he’s torturing her yeah I’m not
torturing her
Joey Diaz is torturing me then you’re sending him
well I’m sending him yeah
funny I think
she would think it’s
funny not like torturous not torture
I’m not saying torture like you’re hurting her
torture also means fun
you know I always fucking torturing her
doesn’t necessarily
mean you trying to hurt her yes she has an RSS feed
I don’t even know what that is
Brian shut the fuck up please
oh is this the
whole fucking Bill Burr
argument by the way
which continued onto Bill burr’s podcast and now
apparently under Greg Fitzsimmons podcast
shut up which is even more
ridiculous I was
so disappointed in Bill when I
heard him talking
on his own podcast
about it I’m like wow
you’re and then
here’s the worst part
about he goes
and I just wanted to say I won
yeah I tried
to talk to my lawyer
my lawyer said that I
could sue okay yeah
I won I was like
Jesus Christ
so many go find Bill
and give him a fucking hug
that guy it’s so ironic that Bill was talking shit
about people who
smoke weed if anybody needs weed it’s built by
oh he could
definitely use a bowl
fuck yeah because
he’s a very intense guy
but I always
assume that’s what everyone in Boston is like
yeah very similar
yeah it’s a hard place
that’s why comedy there it’s such a good
place to grow up and
start doing comedy because you
learn very early on to
appreciate people’s attention
spans because they will fucking boo you off the
stage with the
quickness you know
we did we did I did a show
and what was the comedy
connection comedy
Connection and
you all yeah yeah yeah
jamieson tour
it was me Billy Guardell
Steve Byrne and Danny Pevens I think yeah
and we had to do the show to get renewed like
do the show
to get the tour
renewed so and the tour was a dickload of money for us
right it was like
4 grand a weekend
for and all he had to do was 20 minutes
wow and Billy Gardell
was like Billy I mean this is I probably shouldn’t talk
about out of school about Billy but Billy had just
quit drinking and he’s sober now
but had just quit drinking like
that Thursday
and was like I’m never touching it
again and we’ve got to go and he’s fucking freaking out
and he’s like you got to close the show
and I got to follow like
3 guys that are all fucking bang bang bang in Boston
and I’m nervous
about doing well in Boston
because I kind of do
race I used to do a lot of race stuff then
and I was like fuck
and I just came out the gates and I was like
and just I just gave it
everything I had just Bam Bam Bam Bam
and then like 15 minutes
and I’m like fucking can I keep this energy going
then we fucking
and I had a good set and we got the tour
renewed but
of course just
fucking dumped on some
black guy in the
front row the
whole time he
loved it he was with a
white chick she had red hair
is that sound
weird when the girls like yeah
but that was yeah
that was my only
experience in Boston
boston’s a fun place
fun town too bad it gets too cold
never live there
again sorry
love you guys
I couldn’t live there
great place for comedy though
when you you live in a
place where it’s that fucking
harsh you know that kind of an environment
and now I mean it’s
but you think you know a lot of good
comics come
out of LA too so that argument kind of sucks
you’re from but don’t
start in LA
yeah some of them do who yeah
I’ve met some comics
started out here
holzman started out here didn’t
he he did right
I know I know guys who
started out here that are really good
it’s um I mean you can
start anywhere man I
started in New York
I did it once in
Tallahassee
and then moved
right to New York did it in New York
and got my lunch
money taken
really fucking
quick yeah just
my first time ever on
stage this guy
Louis Schafer was like
I said I wanted to be a
comic so I and
it was it’s a long
story but my dad
gave me one of those
phone calls you don’t ever want to have from a parent
where he called me one morning on my birthday
I’m expecting a birthday
phone call and he calls me as like you’re pathetic
you make me sick to my stomach
well I’m embarrassed of you
you said you were
gonna be a comic you got
rolling Stone
wrote an article
about you and you said you were
gonna move and be a
comic and you’ve been there
8 months and you
haven’t done shit
and I lie I lie
about you like
judges say how’s your son doing
and I lied do you know what that makes me feel like oh
wow it’s my birthday okay
I’m sitting hungover on my
underwear on my
couch that I grew up on
in New York I had that up there
and my dad’s just like
and I was like
he’s like I failed you as a parent I
failed you you have no humility I don’t know what to do
just keep doing what you do I
guess get a fucking job
you have no humility I had no humility at the time
in what way
I just didn’t I didn’t have the
like I was like I want to be a
comic but I didn’t know how to go
about getting it because I felt like I was too good
to work the door or 2
you know does that make any
sense when I say that
I felt like I was too
I was I was too good to just get into the ground
level I wanted to be discovered I wanted to be hmm
what was what brought that on
I don’t know I mean that’s just I
think a lot of people are like hubris just youth yeah I
think a lot of people that how old were you 26
and also yeah and I was too
young to like
the open mic
scene was all alternative comedy
and like Dmitri Martin and I
started around the same time and Dmitri just got
welcomed by
them and I hung out and no one ever talked to me
and I was like oh
fucking great
so then I just hung out the comedy clubs and drank
in the back of comedy clubs you know what I’ve always
found ironic
about alternative comedy is that a lot of alternative
comics were like outcasts and
they felt like
you know they were kind of
you know nerds
or whatever you and meanwhile they are like the
least welcoming
the most and the
weirdest like backstabbyish
caddyish it’s very strange that you
would think that the people that were picked on
would be like really open and warm
and friendly yeah they
were brutal I
would go to
forget the name of the fucking surf reality
and collective
unconscious and I
would hang out try to do sets
and no one would
speak to me no one would
speak to me
and I would just be sitting there and Dimitri
would talk to me
and then he
literally would come
and talk to me and then walk away and talk to all them
and then come back and talk to me
and I was just fucking
but I never felt
like an alternative is that you though or is it no I
would try to talk to people
and whenever I said they’d make fun of me
like I remember they
would make fun of you like
first anything out of my mouth
they just go
okay okay and this is the
comics this is the comics wow
yeah because they wanted you to
feel uncomfortable oh they wanted me to feel horrible
wow isn’t that
weird oh it’s the
worst and then
I and then I go to
it’s so common though oh
oh go go I’m
I’m generalizing and I don’t want to do that but
go hang out at fuckin
I’m trying to think
about UCB UCB
and see how like
I know Tom said he went and did
they have a
comic book I did a set there once and I had a
great time I only did it once and I remember
somebody pointed me to a thread somewhere
where the people said they actually
enjoyed the show but
they were like what the fuck is Joe Rogan doing here
that’s so stupid
it’s weird but
you know it is but it isn’t
you know I mean
they’re expecting a certain
particular type of comedy that
maybe makes them feel good but your comedy is the same
that’s what really
upsets me I don’t give a shit personally
I’m not looking to get
spots at a comic book store
but I did a
comic bookstore
I just did one and he said he was
great I did it
for Duncan it was awesome
Duncan but Duncan
Duncan is kind of welcomed
yeah he’s welcomed
everywhere duncan’s a
genius he can
float between
worlds but what were you saying
so I had no humility that’s
what it gets to
and it was just I
would sit in the back of comedy clubs I think
so but this how does this
translate this is
where I’m confused
you say you have no humility at the time
you thought you were too good but yet here you are in
these alternative
rooms and everyone’s
treating you like shit
do you think they’re connected
I’m sure there were I’m sure that my perception of what
the status quo of comedy clubs was
perceived from way I’ve been treated
but I’d go to I’d go to
like the Boston Comedy Club of the cellar
and I’d say hi to Tell and Norton
right they were all cool but they won’t you know
they were also working comics
I was that’s what I wanted to be
and I think
my dad what my dad’s note was was my dad’s kind of guy
that if he wanted something he
would get it and he’d go
and he’d say the
this is what
I want can you please help me get this and I
would not that guy
just hang out the back of the club and go you know in
their defense
in anybody’s defense when it comes to hanging out with
new people man I try to be as friendly and as open with
everybody that I can new
comics I love talking to new comics
but man there’s
a certain point in time sometimes
in the middle of a conversation when you realize oh
I’m stuck talking to this dummy
yeah you know and
that’s annoying man when you have a good
group and a good vibe
you know so
maybe you came off like too loud or I didn’t say a word
really I was man I
maybe your stage
your act I went from this
what were they
judging you from I
never got on
stage so what were they judging you from
I was nice everyone liked me but
the alternative
people didn’t
but you must have
said a word because you said that they were mocking you
for saying anything oh the alternative comedics yeah
I’d go up and I
would didn’t know how to do
stand up oh
so you did go up on
stages of reality
and collective
unconscious but you paid 3 bucks
and go up at the end of the night
right like and
that was how
those rooms work back
right well then you can
understand why they didn’t want to talk to you
right I can
understand that they didn’t want to talk to me
thanks bring
back to the book I
mean that’s yeah
I mean we’re just I have to break down
everything that’s what
they weren’t
funny either it’s not
like of course
right they would
laugh at whatever they said because they
had said it
and it also
was a certain sensibility to
right yeah and my shit was like I was trying to be
funny in any comedy club
anyway you were trying to be
funny in any
Comic Con I was
trying to be
funny I didn’t know what
I didn’t know there was a difference in alternative
there isn’t
we were talking
about that before you know
about this guy that they were saying is the
founder of alternative comedy
and we both agreed like he’s not even an alternative
comic it’s just a comic
you know what does that even mean
you know who I
think was the
founder of alternative comedy
as far as I know if
it all came out of Boston supposedly it all came out a
catch rising star
it was David Cross
because David
Cross was doing like really
weird shit what about
Steve Martin
oh well Steve Martin is
an icon I mean
Steve Martin is a different
thing he’s not
what David Cross did here’s one of the
things he did let me give you an example
he put on a stretching tape
for like a warm up exercise tape
and then he
starts stretching
and talking on
stage about a stretching
and I don’t know why but it was silly
there was something
funny about it but it was
completely ridiculous
that he was taking this chance
to go on stage but
a lot of people weren’t
laughing but everybody had a smile on
their face like what the fuck is he doing it was fun
Steve Martin was a
comic he’s just silly
you know we
often did a lot of alternative stuff on
stage you know alternative
stuff like what like he
would do banjo
stuff he would do like that’s a banjo
alternative that’s not
alternative
he alternative
the idea of alternative is like hipster
it’s like nerdy
super smart you
know that’s what alternative comedy is supposed to be
like not too loud not too physical
Steve Martin is the antithesis
of that he’s the absolute opposite of what you
would consider alternative comedy
I can’t put my finger on alternative comedy per se
whether it is or it isn’t but I can put my
finger on what alternative
comics dislike
like I can go on the road and go shower this guy
would know like when you see guys on the road where
their act is just like
unbearable and you’re like holy shit well and I
think what they
think is that is the comedy
that goes on not in
UCB that is the comedy that’s everywhere
and that is like
I don’t think a lot
of them go on the road and see what you do on the road
or see what
the road’s like
well eventually the road becomes the same
everywhere I’m
gonna tell you that
my crowds are
sometimes more enthusiastic
in different towns but they’re all the same now
it’s everybody’s
they all know what I’m doing
so it’s not an
issue anymore
but when you’re
young and no one knows who you are
and you go on stage
you’re used to doing the
UCB and getting
those really polite laughs
and chuckles in the back of the room
with some witty
a reference that you made to some
fucking Dune
novel you know
I’m saying something
about the spice
and everyone in the
UCB thinks it’s so
funny do that shit in
Tallahassee
Florida they’ll
throw bottles at you
motherfucker you know
there’s a problem with
you know when
no one knows who you are man that’s when it’s really
tough when you’re not
bringing in your own
crowd you could get really soft easily
if you’re a name and you know you have a
bunch of people that
come to see you all the time and you know they give you
so much love and they want you to
succeed they want to
laugh they’re not like
they don’t have any arms
crossed staring at you sideways
good comedies
good comedy I mean
Patton Oswald makes me
laugh I don’t give a fuck
what anyone says
he makes me giggle
you know he’s one of my favorites
first time I ever saw him on
stage he was like he’s really big in the alternative
comedy scene
and I was like oh really and then
he just murdered and it was an alternative it was just
funny yeah well
he’s big in the alternative comedy
scene because he’s a
comic book nerd and he loves science fiction
and you know he fits in physically
you know so
they accept him but he’s a
great writer
that’s what he is he’s
one of the best
this book is really
good I got it yeah
I haven’t read it yet but I picked it up so now
put it in perspective
now to get to what
to bring it full circle
if this is possibly
at all possible so
that is who I was in New York
in 1997 trying to fit in trying to
break my way into comedy
through having beers with
comics and not
fitting in an alternative and not
being having
the gumption or the gregariousness to
break in in the
were you doing sets
I don’t even know what the fuck I was doing
I was working out at Barnes and Noble
so you’re working at Barnes and
Noble no working
working out
this is bad like you do sets at Barnes and
Nobles working at Barnes and
Noble and then
working out during the day in the basement
like I was fucking
I got fired from Barnes and
Noble this is the worst
I was working at Barnes and
Noble and Aster
place no fucking AC
and so every day I
Would you ever have a job
where you lift
boxes and as you do
you’re like that’s not a bad that’s a goodbye workout
and you’re like oh
all right I’ll do a little bit of this
and if I do this all day long I’m fucking jacked by
by the end of the summer
so I’d go down to the basement
and you could take the freight elevator
I’m gonna sound like a psycho into 5 minutes
you could take the freight
elevator to the basement and no one
could get down there
cause you had the elevator
and so once I got to the basement
I take off my
clothes and
start working out
and just like do push ups
sit ups fucking
curls with boxes
whole books out into fucking
these fucking jobs front rows
and I work out and then it was there was no AC
so then I’d wait till I cool down put all my
clothes back on
get in the freight elevator
walk up and I just killed like
30 minutes when you have a job like that
to kill 30 minutes is a
it’s like fucking
come that much closer being Dover done
right right so I’m like this is and I’m eating ripped
you remember Ripful
yeah popping fucking
3 were fuels
every 3 hours
right oh my
God like a tweaker
running around
Sheldon travel books
going down to the basement
pounding like I’m in fucking just
and then come up
sweating like a
motherfucker with a name tag on just
and so like 2 weeks
into it my boss Dwayne pulls me aside and he was like
he was like hey man
you’ve been
spending a lot of time in the basement
and I was like oh yeah
cause I gotta get
travel books and that’s
where we keep them all down there and he’s like
yeah do you know we have
video cameras
oh my God and I was like
I didn’t know that he was like you’re fucking fired
and I was like wow I was like
Dwayne I can explain he goes no
I can’t I can’t have someone getting into
their underwear
in the basement
working out
to when they
should be working and then coming back up
and then interacting with people
and I was trying to be a
comic so I was trying to
think alternatively
and I’m on speed
which is fucking
so theoretically
like I would do
funny shit but it was
crazy if you didn’t
know me exactly
some guy told me the
other day we were doing a
promo shoot for HDTV
and I did a joke at the end of the day
like was that
funny he goes Bert
everything you do is only
funny if you
spent fucking 24
hours with you
and so yeah so I got fired
and then came home
wow that’d be
great to have that tape if anyone had Barnes
Nobles oh my
God that’s hilarious
his name was
Dwayne I remember he
asked me if I wanted to be a manager like
a week before that
and I was like no
and he was like what
and I was like he’s
like you don’t want to be a manager and I was like no
he’s like why are you why do you
what do you
want to do then I was like I want to be a comedian
and I was like
this isn’t what I do and he looked me dead in the
face he goes this is what you do this is who you are
you work at Barnes
and Noble don’t
think you’re better than us you’re not
whoa I was like
fuck I’m out of here soon
I didn’t know I was
gonna get fired but don’t
think you’re better than us yeah
there was a guy that I when I was driving limousines
that had that same attitude
he would get pissed at me if I wanted to go home
after work in 8 hours
because I was like I’m gone man I got I
gotta go I got a gig to do
and he was like hey yeah
8 hours is nothing around here you know a
lot of other guys doing 12 15 hour
shifts I go okay
good for them bye I’m
gonna leave
and he’s like
what makes you
think the job’s
gonna be in the morning
dude I worked
8 hours I gotta go I
gotta giggle
where’s your gig
so I told him
where the gig was
well the gig got
switched it was one of
those things
where it was
a little 100
gig or something like that and one of the booking
agents you know I’d called them up and he said hey
would you rather do this one in Connecticut
it’s pays 150
I’m sorry yeah yeah yes
would so he
switched me
you know and
moved me to this
other place
so asshole calls the
first place
and I’m not
there he goes yeah I called that fucking job
you went there
you know you’re a
liar I’m like no
it gets switched you fucking creepy
stalker prick
like I work
8 hours but his
whole attitude was that he wanted to keep me a driver
like he’s that’s what
they want me
escaping I can feel it yeah
a lot of times
I mean I think that I
think that goes
with everything
even comedy
yeah well sure people are haters man
a lot of people
it’s way easier for them if you’re a failure
way easier for
them if you’re not ambitious if you’re not like
when you’re a guy and
this poor fuck
was like you know he’s in his like late thirties and he
smokes cigarettes and he just looked like a broken
dream he had nothing
going on you know
and here he is a dispatch guy for a limousine
thing in Boston
where you’re dealing with a
bunch of fucking
savages every day
and you know he you see someone who’s 21
and just has all these
crazy ideas in
their head and I’m
gonna do this I’m
gonna be a comedian
and you like see all this energy behind this person all
these do you just want to
squash that
you want to throw
water on that fire
you know there’s a lot of people man the last
thing they want
to see is someone with with some sort of a
spark inside of them yeah
you know there’s
a lot of people man that’s terrifying to them
they just don’t want they don’t want to see that man
they don’t want to
see that they want you to fuck up they want you to fail
so they don’t have to compare
compare themselves to you unfavorably
and then start
thinking about what a fucking
disaster their life has been oh yeah
that was everyone that worked to Barnes and
Noble everyone’s
work to Barnes
Nobles broken there was one gay guy who had
come from Iowa and just come out of the
closet like move to New York
and then I think he knew he was gay the
whole time they got to New York and was like
I’m fucking
gay I remember him coming into work one day he’s like
I’m gay and I was like awesome he’s like no
I’m I can say it now I’m gay
and I’m so happy
and I was like wow
you man so you had to
hold on to it for the longest time
fucked so much that
first month
that guy he got fucked out of his
loft one night came back with a
black guy because he fell out a lot
as the guy was fucking him and
pounding him out of the loft wow
this guy fucked non stop at
first that’s
that’s so great
yeah so he was
in the closet just being awesome
into your sexuality
like to realize you’re straight and then
everyone in the straight community
is like let’s just fuck this shit out of this guy
yeah that what
happens in the gay community the straight community
doesn’t work that way they’re not really into you
switching teams
you know it’s like you used to play with
the Red Sox and now you want to play with the Yankees
what’s all that what
about that Red Sox Sucks
tattoo you got
uh but yeah
so then okay now full circle
so then I worked at
Barnes Noble
that’s who I was I worked at
Barnes Noble
out of comedy clubs
and so my dad
after that at
the end of that conversation I was like dad I
don’t want to embarrass you and I want to
I want tell me what to do
with my 26th birthday
wow he said um
you go to the club
and you tell them you
wanna be a comic and you do anything it takes to be a
comic and I go Dad that’s not how it works and he goes
that’s humility
that’s humility
you walk into that front door
you talk to the guy who runs the club and say
you’ll do anything you’ll mop up you’ll
stack chairs you’ll flip burgers you’ll
clean dishes
I go Dad they got a guy that
cleans dishes
he goes that’s what I’m fucking talking
about have some humility
go in and do that so I went in to this guy
Louis Schafer do you remember him
yeah the comic
strip no no that’s the Lucian
lucifer was a gay guy that worked
down in the Village who always wear a blazer and a
white shirt
yeah what do I
know what club
gay not gay
what club Boston comedy Club
right okay yeah so I went up to
Louis and I was like I want to be a comic
and Louis was like
this is the
night of my birthday and he goes
can I give you some
advice I said yeah and he goes go back to Tampa and
learn it there and then come
back to New York you’re in the big leagues right now
and I was like that’s I’ve already got an
apartment that’s not gonna work
and it’s like that’s
my advice and so I called my dad and I was like I wanna
he said to move back to Tampa and my dad goes perfect
go in tonight and give him the same
speech you gave him last
night and say
you’re gonna do this
until he fucking folds
and gives you a job
and so I was like all right
so I went in that night
like 7 said the same
thing to Louis and Louis said
god I did not tell you to move back to Tampa
and I was like
I go well I’m not
gonna do that I’m gonna keep
pounding you and he said okay if you can
stand out front
and bring in
20 people throughout the night
and then if there’s
still people in the room
after Godfrey goes on I’ll let you go up on stage
and so I was like okay
so that night
2 the fucking
3 people in 4 people in a Girl named
Karen Burgreen is on stage
4 Puerto Rican guys who I had brought in off the street
who were like one guy was going to prison the next day
or Sid I just brought
anyone I brought a guy in with ice
cream he has groceries and I brought him in I brought
everyone in the club
they’re sitting in the front row
and they make
Karen Burgreen cry and Louis
they go look karen’s crying
and so Louis goes up you want to be a
comic now’s your chance
so we went up grab
Karen burger and he goes all right you guys
ready for next comic and brought me on stage and
the only thing if anything that I could do was
light up for Puerto Ricans
and I got on stage and I destroyed these guys wow
one by one by one and when they talk I was be like
listen when it
says in my act the dumb Puerto Rican and rejects I’ll
point to you
and he and he’d be like oh
and the crowd was going nuts
and I was like how
many people in the
crowd besides them I was feeling the fucking
it was everyone that knew me I brought everyone in
it was like fucking a hundred
maybe a hundred people on a
Thursday night and so
they get up
and they leave the
place goes nuts
and this is my
first time on
stage in New York and I’m like
oh I’m like on a real
stage you know
and I’m like yes
I’m a fucking and then
I was supposed to do a joke and I didn’t have any jokes
and I was like fuck I bombed got off stage
and loose was like you got a job
and I was like what he goes come here
every night at
7 unlock the
place sit the
chairs up and
bring in people all
night long and I’ll give you a spot
6 months later
literally and this
brings it to Bill Burr
6 months later I get a development deal with Will Smith
do work in the door 6
months later like that and Bill Burr told me was like
it happens don’t feel guilty
everyone’s gonna dislike you
but I was like huh
did you get that did you get a lot of resentment yeah
yeah yeah a lot
but I didn’t care really because I was like oh you
sound like almost like I mean I love you man but you
sound like almost
like this hapless retard that stumbles upon
success I’m
the luckiest
guy in the world
literally but it’s not just that it’s your personality
is very endearing and interesting and you tell
great stories so it’s not just that you’re lucky
it’s just to be you and this is the same
thing when you were talking
about Joey to be Joey
it’s it’s you can’t be Joey and
market Joey
you know I’m saying
so it’s like who Joey is is Joey
you know it’s almost like somebody else has to come
along and find what’s what’s interesting about you
yeah you know but the fact that you like kept
going after it
you know and that you
started out in New York
in the Village
you know it’s like one of the hardest
places you could ever
start doing
stand up oh yeah I
think if you can
I always assimilate the 2 like
cause then I
moved to LA
so I got a TV show
and and then
tried to an LA and
a comedy in LA and it was just totally different
and I remember
Bobby Kelly came out he
was like I don’t fucking I remember bob’s like I don’t
have this fucking witty shit I don’t have witty shit
I’m fucking real I’m a
comic I’m a fucking New York
comic I go up and I talk and
I know he was
like I don’t fuck this witty shit I remember what
do you mean witty
I don’t remember
he just kept saying fuck this witty shit
I don’t have
witty shit I don’t have witty
jokes okay what I don’t know I remember that’s all
I remember to sit in the back of the improv with him
look man Joey Diaz
doesn’t have a witty bone in his body
but yes the funniest shit I’ve ever
heard but Bobby
doesn’t have
to be witty to me I consider the 2 difference I think
both are like working out
but New York is like working out in prison
where you’re like it’s just a fucking
steel bar with 2 cinder
blocks and you’re just kind of trying to get
sighs So you don’t get fucked in the ass in the shower
and LA is like doing like
tybo or like spin class
so you want
good you want to look good you want to look tight
but you don’t have to
worry about getting fucked in the shower cuz
it’s not as bad of course I’ve
never done it at the
store what la la
com New York comedy is like fucking
in your face like
the second you
stand up it’s not like an industry
crowd it’s fucking
a bunch of fucking Persians that are in
from Iraq and or wherever and then it’s a fucking
bunch of brothers in from Harlem
some kids from Spanish Harlem and they just like
fucking light you up
it’s a little more
aggressive LA is a little more you get up
I remember the first time
I realized I didn’t have any joke jokes like
I couldn’t just
start speaking
like I needed to interact with someone cause
that’s what
you’d always do in New York you just I mean it’s
your act is very organic because
you talk to someone hey
where are you from or
oh how’d you
get here I don’t know it just seemed like I
never did that even
when I was in New York
it seemed more I
never did that
when I was in New York I just did my act
really yeah I
never talked to the crowd
the only time I’d ever talk to the
crowd is if there
was a problem like you have to deal with something
or if someone’s just like really outrageous
I saw the guy
what’s the guy’s name who used to do make me laugh
do you remember that
the one on Comedy Central Mark
I have no idea was
on Comedy Central and
Jeff Ross is
always on it I forget the guy’s name really he dated
Sarah Silverman this guy
I saw him come to New York one day he was in LA comic
and he got fucking
stole like really
bad and I never seen someone bomb before like that
where he couldn’t
come back it was just bits
and he fucking
ate it hard
dude people are
gonna eat it they’re
gonna eat it
everywhere but that was everyone
in the club was like that’s LA comedy for you yeah
it’s not even it’s probably it was uncomfortable
probably uncomfortable and you know
got on stage with
an attitude or felt
weird when he got up there
that’s half of it man half
of it is being comfortable wherever the fuck you are
which is the best
thing about
having fans that come to see you having people that
know what you do and they’re coming to see you know
I know Burke Kreischer he’s hilarious I’m
going to see Burke Kreischer
as opposed to just coming to any club but
that’s how you develop your
voice too by doing
those clubs
then you have to always
think that if you’re doing
these clubs and no one knows who you
are and you’re trying to get them to like you you know
there’s a danger of
maybe becoming something
that you’re not because you want them to like you you
know because you want to be
more successful like it almost like it hinders
your ability to become yourself on stage
you know what I’m talking
about yeah I
think so I mean how many guys have you seen that
do a tell when they go on
stage a lot
a lot right
and why are they doing
it well they’re doing it because they know it works
the note works and it’s successful
it gives them
a charge when they’re in the audience like they
react to his cadence
and then it becomes really catchy
and then you start to
start doing it even almost subconsciously
because you’re just trying to be effective
you’re just trying to be effective up there
I used to I mean I used to
steal from Mattel
when I was young so I didn’t know how to
write a joke
and you just be like how the fuck
would a tell tell it
right I remember my
first joke was you know what cops hate
when you touch
their faces
and I was just like that’s a Nutella
it’s a Nutella
fucking setup punch
it is yeah oh yeah like
he said that already
no no no no I just always thought that in my head
like oh I see
what you’re saying so you imitated him I just
would I would emulate
when I’d write a joke I’d be like I got a
funny premise
because I was hammered on a flight to Scotland
and a stewardess
was trying to cut me off and I knew she was
cutting me off and I didn’t want her to say anything
and so I just went took
my fingers to her lips and I
like I didn’t
want her to cut me off and then I got really cut off
this is well before 9 11
and so I told
Patrice that happened and Patrice
like that’s funny joke
because the
second you touch someone’s face
you take all
their power away
like you touch someone’s face it fucking just
and he was like you
gotta fucking tell it so did you actually
touch your face yeah don’t
touch your face I was so drunk
going to Scotland from LA
wow and I just
went so what happened when you touched her face did she
freak out no she just was like
all right you’re done you’re done
and then and
then served me another beer at the end of the day
like while we were getting a land she gave
me another one really I’ve been cut off plans a lot
really you never been cut off on a
plane never
never what’s the cutoff amount like
would like you
gotta be obnoxious
for no no no I’m not the
least obnoxious
drunk so it’s not it’s a number it’s for yeah
for they won’t
serve you more than 4
drinks is that in first
class as well no
first class is totally different they let you ball
yeah if you put the figure you get control
I’m a pro at it now
yeah number one
if you’re a big
drinker on planes this is how I do it
don’t speak
ever speak don’t
speak to anyone
just if you want to
drink tap your cup just
dude you’re an alcoholic
okay maybe I am you’re not talking
just so that you can get more alcohol
yeah on planes I have a hard time flying
I have fucking massive anxiety flying
you telling us before the show that you have anxiety
right now I have horrible anxiety
yeah cause you seem a little
like revved up
today yeah like you’re having a hard time like staying
calm yeah because I
gotta go skydiving on Saturday
and so that’s in the back of my head like
the concept of so is that fucking with you
while you’re talking
like do you hear it in the back of your head you’re
going skydiving
no if I got the right
yeah Bird is the only one
right here that’s not high so
he’s not on the same
frequency as
Brian and I
Yeah I would totally
have you ever gone skydiving
no I’m not really into
dying like that if
you would I’m sure it’d be fun as fuck
but you know there’s
I know 2 people
that know people that have died including Brian
brian’s dad was supposed to go skydiving with this
woman and yeah she flattened out
boom hit the ground
you know another
thing I heard
too that I don’t know if this is true or not I
think we already talked
about this but like how when you’re skydiving
it’s really hard to breathe
because it’s so much air
so the whole time you’re just going
like you’re just trying to breathe
you’re focusing so much on
brains starting to sweat
yeah no it’s just really don’t
bring up how hard this guy’s
sweating like a pig
he’s really
sweating man I’m really sweating
right now I’m
thinking about it
it is hot in here yeah
yeah it’s not that hot in here you guys are both fat
I will definitely
see what’s going on right here
so you really knew someone who died skydiving
yeah yeah I knew
someone else
from some friends of mine in Houston
there was a
bunch of guys that skydived and
I didn’t know the guy he told me his friend died
and then brian’s
story that’s 2 the 2 is enough was he tandem
I don’t know I don’t know what happened I
think he was solo
you know a thousand people that probably died in
or knew people
that died in car accidents though but you
still drive a car
I don’t know
a thousand people that have died in car accidents
that’s a that’s
Jesus Christ
I mean like family and NASCAR
I’m saying if you’re
going by like person that knows somebody that died
you know like it likes
you have friends
that know somebody that died in skydiving and
what would be the difference probably
what are you talking about
what would be the difference between
those 2 skydives to get to work A
and B You don’t skydive
every fucking
day of your life
I mean I’m not not skydiving because of
people dying and that’s the last thing really
that’s the first thing I’m thinking of one
more thing I would feel
if I’m pulling that
thing and the
parachutes not coming out and I see that barn
and I know I’m
gonna make a fucking
Scooby Doo hole through it
the shape of my body with my outstretched arms
boom and it’s
gonna hit the hay
and I’ll turn into a bag of jello and broken bones
splat and basically just inside your helmet
is all just broken
smashing you’re
gonna be fine but it’s
gonna suck the height
things are you scared of heights
yeah me too but you’ve been on roller coaster
stuff you’re
gonna be strapped
into somebody else also a professional hopefully I’m
gonna go tell well you must
be you have to you can’t
you can’t just do it on your
first time they don’t want you to
panic and just
just shut off
so I’ve been
stressing about that like
crazy that’s
freaking me out oh
fucking nightmare
this show is a real mind fuck for you because you
have to do a lot of dangerous shit on this show yeah
we were doing a concrete toboggan race
where you get a 300
pound concrete toboggan
put 5 kids in it
and then you race it down a mountain
against another team who has a
or 300 pound
concrete toboggan
what and you go 40
miles per hour no steering
and you just
fly down a fucking mountain how do you stop it
they have brakes they have brakes
it depends on
where your brakes are
on the thing
you may just fucking flip it oh
Jesus it depends
it’s a nightmare
the 2 people before us the
group before us guy goes
they’ve ragdoll it they hit a berm
ragdoll it dude
breaks his femur
girl breaks her arm in 2
places and all the bones in her hand
and then they go are you
ready and I was like what my cameraman’s like
dude a broken femur is a game changer
it is it’s a life changer
fuck yeah people
lose their legs sometimes because they
when they try to reattach it
put the femur back together
you can’t get a
blood supply going
so it gets gangrene
people lose
their legs from femurs
but yeah that was like one of the
things I mean we went
shovel racing in New Mexico
do you know what I mean
what’s that you just sit on a shovel
and go down a mountain at 70
miles an hour
Jesus Christ just sit on a
shovel and then just
and hope you don’t die
and just sit back like this how
fast we going
I definitely didn’t get 70
but guys are
going 72 7070
miles an hour on a
shovel on a
shovel no brakes what
kind of hill are you dealing with
here a fucking blue slope
like on a blue
slope on ski
it goes yeah blue diamond it’s
it goes green blue and black
and want a blue one that’s like been
shaved and like salted
and they’re just
and you just are flying so that noise
basically the lose
oh it’s it’s exactly like a lose
and but but with less
like less control because you’re
a shovel and
the rods just
sticking between your legs
it’s been I’ve
learned a lot
about myself with anxiety through this show
like I’ve learned 1t
but I still
I I’m still
dictated by my anxiety
like in what way
like there’s certain foods I won’t eat
cause I know it’ll fuck with me in the middle of the
night I would just wake up and have an anxiety attack
certain foods
trigger anxiety
my stomach my stomach
dictates my anxiety it’s
heart palpitations like some foods like onions and
stuff I know
makes my heart beat a little
crazy here and there for me it’s
spicy foods
with spicy foods too
onions make your
heart beat weird
spicy food like the
other night when
my shit was all jacked up from eating
those jalapenos a
stuffed jalapeno oh I
can’t fuck with jalapenos yeah
it fucks it fucks my stomach up
which then fucks my heart up
which makes me like
fucking like
conscious of my
heart and then I’m like
freaking out
whoa yeah you don’t get any anxiety
not about that stuff
was have you ever had an anxiety attack no
never no it’s weird
really yeah
like really
weird here’s what
wait a minute it’s not really
weird to not have an anxiety attack no I mean
like most people I thought always had like I didn’t
know I don’t
think I don’t
think that’s true at all
like you were saying I’ve had some
let me clarify I’ve had some
paranoid moments on weed for sure
I’ve had some moments but I
think those are very important I think
those are the ones that make you reevaluate yourself
I don’t like I like
those I don’t even
like knowing myself I like being scared as fuck when
it comes to
that because
no no no no it’s not anxiety because I’m not
panicking I’m just terribly terribly
terribly aware of
everything and
it’s not a panic attack it’s just an acceptance of the
whole picture
it’s never where I don’t feel like
I can handle it or I’m going to
freak out or my
heart’s beating too fast
it’s never that
it’s just the humbling aware
feeling and
awareness of the big
picture you know
I like that
I think it’s very important that
people take drugs to get away from that feeling not
me man I go into it I run into it that’s what the tank
is the tank accentuates any feeling that you’ve get
have you ever been too high and like
freaked out
I go in the tank when I’m too high
the higher I get
that’s the more I want to get in the tank
because you face it and
you come out of it and you always
learn something always
I always know more
about myself
I always know
whether I’m on the
right track as far as like you know
is there anything in my subconscious
that’s fucking with me
is there anything
that’s bothering
me yeah yeah yeah I go
right in there man
see I’ll obsess
about anything
if you can if
you can give me if you can give me something
I’ll mull it
over my head like when I jump off the stratosphere
I literally
was up the night before
throwing up in a bathtub
right but do
you feel like you making progress with all this
crazy critical yes
I am I’m definitely making progress
but like I’m
definitely making progress right
but I still
I think the stratosphere by the way is
gonna be a lot scarier than skydiving
really yeah because you’re
gonna be able to see
like a kind of like a
point of distance or I mean like ain’t you
crazy nobody died on the
stratosphere someone
said skydiving is
you’re so far removed from what the distance is
that it doesn’t
freak you out
right what no that
makes total
sense I mean if you’re
standing on top of a really tall
building you can fucking
see that you’re really high up because you can see
other things at the same
level or below or higher
so it gives you more of
an idea that you’re really high up
reference point
you know plane
sure it’s high but it’s also like almost like
cartoony fake like
if you’re retarded
I don’t know man to me it looks like a goddamn
plane flying 30 000 fucking feet above the
earth he’s just
going 16 it’s just
gonna take a long time to hit the ground 16 000
so you hit the ground quite
twice as quick
and it’s one of those
planes that just falls from the sky
every now and then
those skydiver
planes what kind of a fucking
plane can you
open up a door in the middle of the flight yeah right
that’s a drug
plane right I
think you’re
gonna be fine
those are drug
planes man if the
pilot has a mustache you
might be screwed so
drug planes
crash all the time dude you ever see that one that
crashed in Mexico
4t of cocaine
inside of it that ran out yes
CIA plane CIA
it’s fucking one of the
greatest stories of all time CIA
plane headed
went to Guantanamo Bay
on 2 separate occasions
clearly a CIA
plane 4t of cocaine in it
crashes in Mexico
Mexicans won’t let them refill
cause they know what the fuck they’re doing
by the way Portland
was fucking amazing have you been to Portland
actually he was saying that I
wanna I’m going
this year I just don’t know well they
Portland didn’t have a
major comedy club
for the longest time so it was hard for
comics to tour through Portland
but then they just put this helium place in
I done Portland before I did a theater there and it was
great but this was really fun because we got to do
3 nights you know 5 shows over 3 nights
everything sold
out way in advance it was all podcast fans
you know and that’s the thing that
Brian and I’ve been talking
about a lot lately and I was talking
with you about in the kitchen
everything has
changed it’s
completely different
you know the people
that are coming to shows are way more enthusiastic
it’s way different you know they know you better it’s
a crazy experience man
do you feel like you have more of a chance to riff on
stage than you used to
don’t know man i’ve been cutting my my sets down
an hour and ten minutes and
just you just you guys
something one podcast that made me that re
made me reevaluate
everything i do on
stage yeah but
50 minutes someone
said 50 minutes jim norton
did that norton
did 50 i saw him do 50 in austin and
he made me think
because i do a lot of i was doing a lot of long sets
where i do this question and answer
thing at the end
but the problem with the question and answer
thing is that
it doesn’t have
the same pop as the regular show and so the show always
would kind of end on some
weird note like i’d be
crushing for
an hour and then i’d do this question and answer
thing for an hour and then people
would be tired so
the experience of a show was not the same
you know and i thought i was
just giving him more show i thought i was being more
generous and giving him
more show but i realized the best way to do it really
is to give him an
hour hour and
10 max and just
smash it just come out of the gates gun
and i’ve been
doing that for like the last people getting
standing ohs
those last all
those shows in portland i
mean instead of like because i saw it to it kind
of like a fizzle it was it just kind of like shows over
now here’s this
other thing
and then people forgot
about the show they were
kind of doing exactly
and it was just
but now it’s just like fucking roaring you know
those people
want to come back they’re telling all
their friends immediately
instead of going oh yeah it was good last
night yeah they were all
standing ovations
it was awesome
portland was fucking awesome
never had a
place where people handed me more weed
never dude i
dunk of weed when i got home i was wearing the same
pants that i wore the show
the show the
night before
and mrs rugby was like you fucking
stink like weed
is my pants i took a shower
and she goes i can
still smell in the bathroom
and then she goes your
pants she goes what did you
smoke your fucking pants
they smelled like
wheat it was ridiculous
it was just from people blowing
wheat on me and joey and then when we’re in the
green room joe
i remember when i kept on staying at the airport like i
smell weed it was my
pants no it
might have been
that too but i do too bro i opened my book bag up
and there was a bowl
there was a joint and
a bag of weed in the sink
secret pocket i didn’t even know existed
and i’m like holy shit you know what i
would have done i
would have pretended i didn’t know you and i
would have ran
the opposite direction
i need to go home and see my kids dude i can’t be
going to court for
you jay and
jay and i one time were flying to vegas
and we’re in my car
we’re sitting in my car
and we have a bag of weed and he’s like just bring it
and i go i don’t
want to because i don’t want to go through
security with it
and he’s like
it’s fucking
vegas do you
think anyone’s
gonna check of
course it works
it’s why the
worst and so i was like alright fuck it so i
throw it in my bag
we go to leave we
start walking
and the last
minute i fucking
go hold on and i take it on my bag i
stole in the car and i’m not fucking
bringing it i’m not
bringing it
so but i don’t tell jay i’m just
like fuck it i’ll deal with it when we get to vegas
so we go through security
and as we go through security they pull me to the side
and then i said we’re
gonna need to
check your bag
and jay thinks
yeah i have it and i
start laughing
hysterically
cause i know
that i that he
thinks i have it
right and then the guy is this tall
black guy jay is
standing right there
he goes what are you
laughing at sir and i go
i almost traveled with weed
but i left it in my car
and jake goes you didn’t
bring it i go
no it’s in my car and that guy was like
you have weed
where’s your car i was like i’m not
gonna tell you
you have weed
where’s your car
you have weed in your car and i was like yeah but
i’m not flying what kind of a
tsa bullshit fucking question is that probably
going on his
break soon going
into the car
yeah he wanted
to scare you into giving up the weed
i got walked into
brave stadium
and i said to the lady
just out of curiosity
it’s the moments that you don’t have drugs
you want to find out
how it would go down if they busted you
right and i said to the lady i said she was
checking my fanny pack
when i firmly believe in fanny pack
fuck yeah give me some
knuckles on that shit
yeah here’s what
i’m getting mad at all this what’s dead for
2011 the fanny pack will
never die okay because i’m not trying to get laid
so fuck you they’re so convenient sensible
they’re right
there all your shits
right there exactly and i love wearing them
i love i love if people
think they’re dorky good
especially if you’re
married and have kids it’s awesome
before i was
married with kids kid how
about i never stopped wearing it
how about i wore that shit in the 90s
people were giving me shit on the message
board in the 90s for wearing a fanny pack ugh
i don’t give a fuck
if you’re very
successful and it
doesn’t matter brian
you look at
you look at you riding around stop and
think about
the level of
pussy that you get on a regular basis if i was you
could still rock a fanny pack and pull it off
trust me kid
alright that
would probably get you more pussy
it would probably get you more
pussy cause you’re like this
motherfucker
doesn’t care he’s wearing a fanny pack
why don’t you wear pink converse all stars too
women that’s one of the
things that
women like more than anything is a guy that can
be himself that’s why she knows who the fuck you are
instead of you
going out and pretending to be some different person
no matter where the fuck you go
women know when they can
count on you
they know when they can
count here’s
brian’s gonna be
silly stash not the tent exactly
go fucking porn
style a big
big fucking
twisty one so
there’s a list that just got
released talking
about checking you at the airport because this
is amazing it’s the department of homeland security
and they put out this
the following characteristics it qualifies a person for
potential domestic terrorist
and i put this shit on my twitter because it’s so
ridiculous expressions of
libertarian philosophies
bumper stickers or
statements like you
might be a fucking
potential domestic terrorist
because you
think that people
should be able to do whatever they want to do
you think that
libertarian
ideology is better than republican or
democratic ideology
amazing you have a bumper
sticker so you
might be a domestic terrorist
if this was just some
crazy asshole that ran some website
some right wing website but this is like
giving people instructions look out for
second amendment oriented views nra
or gun club membership
jesus fucking christ
what you can’t go hunting if
you want to
shoot your own meat
instead of getting it from some fucking
slaughterhouse
you’re a potential domestic terrorist
because you believe in the rights
to keep guns
you think that
adults should be able to have guns just like
adults can have
fucking cars okay just like
adults can have a lot of shit that can fuck you up
yeah people
should have guns
that’s why they’re here
they’re here so
a you can shoot people that are bad
and b you can
shoot animals and eat them okay
it’s not a fucking potential terrorist
issue i would
almost say i
would argue there’s no
connection between people who own guns and terrorism
hmm i don’t know
about that i
would say almost a
hundred percent
i mean the guys that
fucking flew
planes in 911
that’s just because they couldn’t get guns on board
no no check
guns exactly but what’s the
where’s the connection
where do you
draw connection between
someone who owns a gun well
the idea is that people want to
overthrow the government you know so they’re thinking
about they’re
thinking well
what they’re thinking
about people who
rise the fuck up and realize this goddamn corrupt
government that’s running this country
needs to be held accountable for all
their bullshit
i finally finished
watching that inside job last night
fuck i had to turn it off the last time i
watched it i
watched it for an hour and
i’m getting
angry for no reason and i had to shut it off
but i finally
watched it all last night
it is maddening it’s all
about the financial collapse it’s not inside job
you hear like that you
think 9 11 it’s not
about 9 11 it’s all
about the financial collapse
and it’s all
interviewing all
these economists
and all these people that didn’t predict it all
these people that fucking profit from it
and it talks
about one of the most disturbing
things is how corrupt
economics has become the
study of economics at
the university
level because all
these fucking guys who are
teaching economics at harvard
and columbia
they all wind up working for the presidents they all
wind up working for governments and they wind up
going on these speaking
engagements
where they’re making millions of dollars
and they showed this like how fucked it is
that everyone is just
stealing and everyone is getting
away with it because everyone is protecting everyone
everyone is making
sure that no one has held accountable for all this
fucking incredible movie man
matthew matt damon
matthew damon
is a narrator
and it’s really good if you want to get
crazy go and
see how fucked up this country is and how fucked up the
unfixable foundation of this country is the financial
foundation of this country it’s
nuts it is amazing that it works at all
and these motherfuckers that got
bonuses man
just the brazen
ash holishness
to ask for hundreds of millions of dollars
in the middle of a
gigantic financial collapse you were at
least partially
responsible
for and the fact that nobody holds them to the fire
it’s nuts man it is one
of the nuttiest documentaries i’ve ever seen in my life
wow this guy who’s running the documentary
too he’s asking some of the questions one of the guys
and he catches a lot of
these guys like one of the guys that worked
for bush and you
know he was
an economic
advisor for bush and he’s also for
the thing he believe he
teaches at harvard
and they caught this guy and they were
talking to him and asking him questions and you see
the frustration when they’re hitting him with
logic and facts and like how
could you not know and then
they’re hitting him with all this information
about things that he said and how
wrong it was
how did you
think that this economy was
stable why did you
think that these
funds should be
rated at double a
meanwhile they
crashed the very next day
i mean it’s just nuts man
they’re just
stealing it’s incredible it’s like
everyone is
stealing so it seems like
they can get away with it and they can keep doing it
no one’s asking for anybody to be held accountable
it’s really weird man
i mean we’re in the middle of like a
giant trillion dollar heist
and these bankers have
literally ripped off everyone
it’s one of the most incredible things i
think i’ve ever seen
and it’s really explained in detail
when they talk
about it from the
point of the
stock market and
where people were banking on
things to fail yet selling them
and promoting them with
their clients
wow it’s it’s amazing i mean you have to
watch it like five or six times i
think to really
wrap your head around how fucking complex it all is
because the the
whole financial
system is it’s almost intangible
it’s like it’s
there’s nothing there like as you get deeper and deeper
into and try to figure you try to pick something up
there’s nothing to grab
yeah it’s really
weird man but it
drives me fucking nuts
if the movies any indication
of this conversation i
think i’d be lost within the five
first five minutes
yeah i can i try to
always have a six year olds
intelligent
intelligent
like span of listening to shit
i’m just so i’m just so fucking
have frustrated a reader
yeah pretty much yeah like as a kid did you read
yeah i never fucking read really
never first book i ever read was
like really
read like bought it and and for myself and said i’m
gonna read it
was naked and
by david sedoris
well i used to read
when i was a kid i used to read a lot of fiction
and then i started doing martial
arts i read a lot of martial arts books you know
i read a lot of books on strategy like you know that’s
where i first read
the book of five rings
which became like it’s
this is the
tattoo that i have this is miyamoto musashi
fighting a tiger
and the reason one of the reasons why i got that
tattoo is cause
i read something when i was a little kid
that really
sunk into my head
once you understand the way
broadly you can see it in all
things is what
he said and the idea is that once you find
greatness in anything whether it’s
painting or
sculpture or
music when you find
something you just nail it you get to the core of it
you understand what
greatness is and you can see it in
everything you can see it not just in
your chosen
field but in
everything and it really is like a way of
you know of channeling brilliance and it made me
think that as i was a kid that if i just really
threw myself into martial arts i
could be successful at life
because even if it wasn’t martial arts that i
wound up pursuing
there would
if i could get
greatness if i
could really figure out what
greatness is if i
could really
understand the way really tap into it
i could transfer that on to my life
which has actually been true
do you think you’re better at comedy or martial arts
i don’t know man and i’ve
never even thought about it
it’s not even something that i
would think
about it’s all
you’re better at whatever
you put the most attention to no but it’s really that
simple like the
first time like i was a big baseball player growing up
and i remember
playing baseball with guys that went on to go pro
like i caught brad radke
who was a pitcher for the twins
and i remember
playing baseball with them all growing up and the way
the parents looked at him playing baseball i remember
thinking like no one looks at me like that and
no one’s like pulling me aside like
hey great gamer
day pert like i
still made all stars and i
still got recruited to play
like at a high
school but i
never had the i
never had that it that
and then the
first time i did
stand up i was like okay
that’s the it like i got that it
this is what
the similarity
for me it’s probably just the opposite
really when i
first started doing comedy
and i was leaving martial arts i was really
good at martial arts and not good at comedy at all
and i had to
reinvent myself because
as a martial artist i was
a four time massachusetts
state taekwondo champion
i won the us open
i came in second
place in the us cup to the current national
champion who fought in the olympics
and i was right there
and i was really
young i was 20 19 at the time
and then 21
i had a couple
fights i started kickboxing when i was 21
that’s what fucked up everything
and that’s one
of the reasons why i stopped competing is because i
started realizing that there was a
bunch of holes in my martial arts game
because i was just doing one
style of martial
art which was taekwondo
and when i switched from taekwondo to boxing
and kickboxing i realized there’s big holes in my game
and then so then it made me
not respect
taekwondo as much as an
individual martial art
and then competing in taekwondo
seems sort of
ridiculous to me
because well now i know
that i’m vulnerable to punches
so now in my mind i
would have to
start kickboxing because
otherwise i
would be practicing something that wasn’t as effective
so then i started
kickboxing and i realized okay there’s not even any
money in this what the fuck am i doing
you know what am i
gonna do i’m gonna
run a kickboxing gym
and you know
i’m gonna have
brain damage
i was looking at my future and i was like i
gotta figure out what the fuck i’m doing to you
i was 21 and i was
jesus doing
comedy at the
same time don’t have that kind of insight at 21
keep going keep going well
mostly because no one raised me
no one cares this time
left in the streets like
a wolf i mean my parents both worked and by the time
they got home it was six o’clock and
i was over at a friend’s
house or something i was a
wild kid did you own laundry
yeah it was a different time man
when i was little man i was like
seven years old i used to do a fisherman’s wharf i used
to in san francisco i used to have my own magic show
i used to walk
down the street
by myself with my own
thing i was
thinking of
seven or eight
and i had like a little
magic show that i got for christmas and i would put
a fucking hat on and a cape and i’d set up a
stand that i
would do a show
by myself no friends no one with me
completely by myself
this is a different world
that people
lived in back then you can’t let a fucking
eight year old out of the
house by themselves
today that kid’s
gonna get raped
and killed too bad you didn’t know little joey
diaz at the time i know i wish
that’s for you
we were good buddies we
would have had a fucking awesome show joey and i
would have been best friends from the moment we met
i was best friends with joey the moment i met him
i would have
been best friends with joey if we met when we were six
so now you’re
so so i realized
i had thrown my
whole life into martial arts from the time i was 15
until i was 21
but when i was 20 i started
teaching at this
place in revere
there was a nautilus
fitness place in revere
and they had a big
extra side room it was a really big nice room so we
started teaching
taekwondo there and i opened my own branch of the
j kim taekwondo institute out there and that’s
where i met this guy joe lake who was a boxing
coach and he’s coached
some ufc guys like marcus
davis and he’s a
you know it was really really good boxing
coach and a
great guy and he became one of my good friends
and he taught me how to box
when i started boxing i
started realizing like man i’ve got
all these holes in my fucking martial arts game
like at taekwondo
i was really good at taekwondo but you added in
boxing and then
eventually leg kicks and
i’m like man i got a lot of fucking flaws in my game
so it made me
not want to ever compete in taekwondo
again and then
since there was so much work to do to become
a competent
kickboxer and then it was like well what i’m
gonna do become
a boxer because if i become a boxer now i’m really
starting almost from scratch
i mean i’m a rudimentary almost you know
beginner boxer and then i’m
gonna what am i
gonna start
fighting in that way because that’s the only
place i could get fights
because you couldn’t even get boxing or kickboxing
fights in massachusetts
we had to drive to rhode island to fight
so the last time i fought i fought
three times
in one day i fought in a kickboxing tournament
i won the first
fight i knocked the
first guy out
beat the second guy up
and then the
third guy knocked me out the
third guy was like
three fights
and i was completely exhausted it was
hours later
this is all for free
and i got i won the
first round
and then i got clipped with a left hook
and it was really
weird because it didn’t even hurt
it’s just my legs stopped working it
never happened to me before in a
fight is that the ones
where they go like this they go
just go rubber
they just stopped working
he disconnected
my brain from my legs
my legs no longer communicated with my brain
they just shut off
and i went down and i got up
and then he hit me
again i went down
again i got up and they stopped the
fight it was
i’ve been hit way harder before
it wasn’t that he just hit me perfect it was like the
perfect spot and i was exhausted
you know when you’re
i had shitty
nutrition and i was delivering newspapers i’d get up
every morning
at 5 o’clock to deliver newspapers and then i
would take a nap
and then i would
drive limos and then i
would go train
and then i was
still trying to do comedy at the same time
so that made me really realize i had to pick a path
and like you know this was a good wake up call for me
and my ego wanted me to get back in there
and go smash and
show that it was a bad
that i really
didn’t train
right for that
fight and i was out of
shape and i was sick
you know but
i thankfully
figured out a way to shut my ego up
long enough to get some distance
your ego’s fucked my
ego’s fucked in what way
it’s attached to shit that
doesn’t matter
like in what way
i don’t know i’m
starting to see the
world a little differently
recently last conversation we had i we
i’d said something
about i almost got over
i talked about almost getting into a
fight with a guy in
driving remember
yes and you’re like that’s fucking out of you
yeah dumb in the
world and i know
that and that
to me was the
first wake up call of like
yeah why would i do that like i started
thinking like
the guy just
from our conversation you
start thinking yeah
oh are you yeah fucking actually fairly heavily except
you’re probably one of
i mean this you
wouldn’t want to hear this but like i
probably one of the
toughest guys i i know
like stuff like no one would ever
scare you or you know
how people scare me
no but but i work
in ufc i’m constantly around people
scary but what i’m saying is like
and so i started like
checking like
okay why do you feel so confident to
start fights
against one eye
where is that and then i
started and then it
started like sizzling down and it was like
holy shit man my ego
my ego’s totally attached
to not like cool shit
like it’s not attached to my i
don’t even know what an ego
should be attached to do
you have parts of your personality that bother you oh
every part of my personality
okay well what do you do
about that nothing i drink
what do you do
are you supposed to do something i
meditate and i get in the tank no i
drink that’s
my number one
thing i drink and then forget
about it and then
wake up and i just fucking i
would like to get you in the tank man i
think you would really
enjoy it i would want you next to me and i’d want i
could do it
we can talk to each other
all right joe
well you know
you could do it at my
house bro and i could be
right outside the tank i fucking
there’s parts of my personality i can’t
stand you know
why don’t you
why don’t you
work okay tell me what you know i don’t like
this but don’t be sensitive
okay okay but listen i love you man you have to worry
about i know i know i know
i i’m i like i know that when this shit when bird the
conqueror gets canceled whatever it does get canceled
i will talk
about it incessantly to people
no you won’t i will
this is what you
say you say you’ll talk
about it which is why you’ll talk
about it but if you just say you won’t
and just decide
you know what when bert the
conqueror if it ever does get canceled god forbid i’m
gonna move on to something else and i’m
gonna push for it
you’re an entertaining guy man the
world needs
entertaining people okay what part you don’t have
to worry about that personality do you not like
about you i get
angry at things too easily
seriously i do that too
and that is something i know
about my number one my number one
thing whether it’s something someone
says or something something that happens or even
watching this fucking
this documentary
you know that i get
angry i was like
visualizing
what i wanted to do physically to each one of
these cunts that’s causing all
these people to lose
their houses
and i’m just
picture of myself strangling them and just getting so
enraged it almost becomes like an animal
like animalistic
and primal it gets very it’s very dangerous
and that’s why
i always say to you like be really careful man
cause you never know who the fuck you’re
gonna run across
oh oh oh as
crazy as i might be
i’m nothing
compared to a lot of people that i’ve ever met man
i’ve met some
really crazy
motherfuckers that if you pick them you’re the
wrong guy and you wind
up saying something to them they’re like oh thank you
jesus you’ve just brought me someone to kill you
know and they’ll just attack you and they know how to
fight too there’s a lot of people like that
a lot of them
i’ve met a lot have you always been like that
me anger yeah
part of it is my
childhood part of it is genetic
i have sicilian peasant
genes i mean this is the reason why my hands are as
wide as cinderblocks you know i have the
weirdest but look at that
folks i got the
weirdest bone
structure ever i have
giant hands
you know they’re good for hitting things i’m
short and wide my family you know
they grew up
carrying bricks and shit you know that’s what my
ancestors did
you know that like that design
like i think there’s a lot of
aggression built into certain body types i
think there’s you know if you look at like
super athletic like you know you look at some fucking
like you know some mike
tyson looking dude
like look at mike
tyson’s body
you look that
guy looks like he’s designed to destroy
things just designed to
like when he used to step into the ring
when he was in
the prime of his life in the late 80s
he would get into that fucking ring
and it was like that is the scariest
human being that’s ever walked the face of the earth
you couldn’t imagine doing anything
else that’s what he was there for he’s there to
smash things just a tank
yeah bull that guy guaranteed he’s got a
giant biological
build up of stress that he
needs to blow out besides having a fucked up
childhood i mean i
think a lot of people that are in jail
are in jail because
they have fucked up
bodies man they have fucked up
childhoods a
interesting so you can almost say that the body
dictates a personality it does have some
effect it’s not
a completely
benign thing
i think without a
doubt look i
think so much
clearer after i work out
to me it’s like mandatory
i don’t allow myself to say oh fuck i’m
tired let me just take a nap i don’t allow that
because i don’t like me when i don’t work out
so i make me work out i make me work out so i can be
sane it’s for me it’s like
i always feel like
i got this monkey
and if i don’t let this
monkey out of the cage he’s
gonna throw shit at me and he’s
gonna fucking
start rattling the cage and
lighting things on fire
just let him out of the cage come on
buddy let’s go it’s
the same way i feel like
about my dogs
i feel bad if i don’t walk my dogs
if i don’t take him around the neighborhood let him go
smell i want him to get out let’s get out let’s get out
it’s the same
thing with the
animal inside you the animal inside you need
though that
motherfucker needs to rage
and if it doesn’t rage
starts looking for opportunities to rage
i started looking with
his dick once i get in my lane fuck you fuck you bitch
after i work out i’m like yeah go
ahead dude i’m not in a rush
i started letting people
i thought of this the
other day i got
flicked off by
a very liberal couple
really a very
liberal couple of course i am the stereotype
of ignorant white male
like i drive a
freaking expedition
black on black
you know fucking i’m just you have a tap out
sticker in your back
i can get you one
i’ll put it on all right
i’m always playing something like hip hop
and i guess i cut them off i don’t even know
and they were in a little
what’s the little prius
no the smart car the tiny one
from mini cooper
and they flicked me off and then
she went up and went ah
ah like was
thumbing upping me and
pointing at me your car
yeah i don’t know me or my car who fucking knows and
and then i was
we both got off at laurel canyon
and we’re right next to each other
and i was like i’m
gonna fucking tell him off and then i was like hold on
if i tell them off nothing’s
gonna come of
this but if i make them feel like they won
then maybe they’ll continue this behavior
until they run into the guy
who beats a living fuck out of them
and you set a trap
so i set a trap
and i roll down the window and i was like
you guys let me
fuck fuck and then they took off and they
laughed and i was like great
just keep it up
i see fucking took
a dive keep it up you took a dive so they
can fucking oh that’s genius
that’s i’ve
never heard anyone doing that before
no no do you see do you sense
funniness in people
right out the gate oh yeah ah
i’m so fucking good at that
cause you’re so honest oh
i feel like i’m really honest with my bullshit
yeah i see shit
like right at
the gate i’m like yeah i’m i’m
super honest so when someone’s not being honest i
smell it a mile away
i smell crazy too crazy
and dangerous
yeah my wife’s
best friend we went out to dinner with them and
when we first met him
and and i fucking you know me i
talk all night long and drink
and we’re having a good time and then
we got done i don’t fucking like them
and she was
like how can you not like them you just had a boring
time ago she’s fucking crazy
she was like she’s not
crazy and then
and then and then now i’m like matlock i’m like
we just gotta hang it up and then
i gotta just untangle the necklace enough
so it starts to fall apart
and then i’m like and then i brought it up one time
about like drugs and she was like oh
i used to have a problem with meth and i was like boo
boo dude that’s so
funny he said that i had a
brian callan story
brian used to always date
these really fucked up girls and try to fix them
and brian’s been one of my best friends
since ninety four when i hosted mad tv i met brian and
we like instantly became best friends
and when we were hanging around the
first thing i noticed
when we were hanging around together is like this
motherfucker date some
broken bitches
i mean his current wife is a very nice person but
his his he’s
had some disasters in his past did he fuck fiona apple
no comment okay
i just remember hearing something yeah
no comment no comment
we are on the internet
there’s hundreds of thousands
of people and some of them may know fiona so okay
probably not
yeah anyway um
he he just you know i used
to tell him man you got to get better at reading people
yeah i’m getting him getting it i’m getting it
getting better man this new girl you’re
gonna love are you
gonna love her
so he introduces me to her
right i say hi how you doing
she goes hi nice to meet you
and i go can i talk to you for a second
i pull him outside i go listen to me man she is
fucking crazy
yes yes yes
i go dude this
bitch is fucking
crazy yeah no i
shook her hand
i shook her
hand and i looked in her eyes and i saw madness
it was like that sam shepherd
movie based on that
in the mouth of madness remember that
it was like that i was like i was like this bitch is
completely insane i was like
so i pulled
them aside i go listen to me around i go that bitch is
crazy she’s a
no no she’s a good girl
no no no dude she’s a fucking nightmare
to do do do you’re
famous she’s nervous she’s meeting no no no
no there’s nothing to do with that i go that
bitch is crazy
crazy man you
gotta trust me dude i know
crazy all my spider
senses were going off
i go you better get the fuck away from that girl
trust me you’re
gonna find out you’re
gonna find out the hard way
you need to run what do you attract
her oh she’s nice she needs friends no no no
she does not she needs friends she’s fucking nuts okay
time goes on
and eventually he finds out that she’s a meth head
like massive
you know i don’t know how he missed this
but like she was
completely insane and i had some like
some guy was looking after
looking for her and
you know anyway he winds up eventually
slowly getting rid of her
right it just gets rid of her and then
one day he’s walking down the
street okay
and he sees
this girl walking towards him and the girls are hooker
you know she’s got a
skirt on and he looks up and he realizes it’s this girl
and she’s got fucking
scabs on her face like she’s picking her face oh
yeah and he goes
how’s it going she goes
what do you think
okay you take care that honest
with me this is all and i
swear to god i picked this up from hi how are you
i was like what what what
what
all these alarms
i’m good at that i can you not you can’t always
think you’re good at that you always
gotta be open to the possibility that you
haven’t picked it up yet
you always gotta
be open to the possibility some people are better at
covering their bullshit
or they have different
motivations for being
crazy what does
their motivate
are they delusional
crazy delusional
crazy is pretty
easy to spot because they lie to themselves
yeah or are they deceptive
crazy deceptive
crazy strange because sometimes deceptive crazy
like there’s like a sociopathic element of it
where they’re
not concerned
about how they come off so that they’ll like
they’ll like
really like play to your strengths and all of a
sudden you like this guy really
compliments me well
really like
meanwhile what he is is just
a certain type of manipulative
crazy that you
haven’t picked up yet
fuck i’ve had so many
crazy people in my life of course
you’re a comic man i mean
just doing shows
how many nutty fucking people do you meet
after shows
you make the greatest
sounds man you
could crack me up with
every time you make
so listen man last time you were here there’s a fucking
story about the russian mob
we tease these bitches
we let these people
right now on twitter they have been
going crazy all day do not let burkechrisher
get out of there without the russian mob story man
tell us what the fuck happened
alright this is in 1993 probably
i think is when i went to russia
i was taking russian
classes at florida
state i thought they were spanish classes
because i thought
i thought there were spanish
classes because i it was a noon
class and i signed up
and then i was like fucking
sweet spanish at noon
i could phone that in and then i get there and they
start writing
a new language a new alphabet and i’m like all right
this clearly isn’t spanish
so then i said i’m
gonna leave and the
teachers like listen
don’t leave um
because if you leave
we can’t have a
class and i can’t get my master’s degree
so but if you
stick around
i’ll talk to you
after the class
i get done the end of the
class she’s like
listen don’t
you know if you don’t
leave and i won’t
just show up at
class i’ll give you a c
i was like done
done so i took russian i took russian one two and
three because
these kids needed another guy in
their class to take
these classes so then
finally i take rush i take russian
four and we go to russia
we go to russia but this is russia like
when the mob ran russia
like are you
guys aware of that no okay in like the
late 90s mid 90s
the mob ran
everything that had to do with russia
so when going over to russia you had to you had to
literally pay off the mob
in order to go and
study abroad
so we paid off the mob and they gave us in return
to banditos two young
mobsters who
would go everywhere with us
they lived in our hotel
they stayed
with us they went on tours with us they went
they would did
everything with us
their names are igor and
sasha and when we got
our teacher was like listen this is igor and sasha
they will be
ghosting us with my
teacher who was there
with me was like they’re in the fucking mob igor and
sasha it’s like a guy
named bruce
and they were like and they were oh it gets worse so
so they like listen whatever you do to our
class do not
talk to them do not interact with them oh my god do not
engage them they are only here to
shadow us so in my head i’m like fucking
get to know
these guys right
like get a bottle of
vodka six pack of baltika
knock on their door
never mind do i
speak no rush at the time no rushing
site never studied in any of the
classes so first
night there i
knock on igor and
sasha’s room and they’re having a
party in there like fucking all
their friends are in
their room they
lived right next to me
and kendra my
teacher lived across the hall from igor
so i knock on the door igor opens the door and
he looks like a fucking thug he’s got
he’s got like a wife beater on
a cigarette a beer
and he just looks at me in russian and just goes
and now the
second he says that i
start panicking
all the phrases
i had in my head that i was trying to say
all disappear and all i say to igor in russian is
i am the machine
what does daddy say that
yamashino and so
but i just said yamashino
and he went
stole and now i don’t know what i’ve said i’m like
what did i just say i’ll fuck you up
like and i go i go i am the machine and he goes
say it again i said i’m the machine
and then he starts laughing and he
brings me another room he’s like hold on
say it again and so i say it to the
room i don’t know what the fuck i’m saying i’m like i’m
the machine they’re like you’re the machine i’m like
i’m the machine i said that all fucking
night with these guys
that’s the only
communication we had is i said on the machine
and igor and
sasha and i became best friends
right we did
everything together if we went on a
field trip they
would tell me machine you don’t need to go on the
field trips come
drink with us so now
cut to one day we have to take a
train to moscow
now a different mob
ran the train to moscow
and a different
track mob ran moscow
and igor sasha
were not allowed to
cross boundaries and they told me they said listen
we’re not going to go with you but we’ve
taken care of you we’ve talked to the mobsters on the
train and in moscow
because we had to pay them too
so they weren’t allowed to come with you they
weren’t allowed to come with us
because it’s a
different mob and
we’re paying
a different mob now to protect us on the train
they’re paying a different mob to protect us in moscow
holy shit so
they said we’ve
taken care of it don’t worry
about it so they take me to the
train and they
introduced me to our two new gangsters igor and igor
what double
igor i swear to you
three igor’s out of four dudes igor
there’s not a lot of names in russia it’s alex
igor or sasha
what about fjordor so
so igor and igor
my ego says to
these egoers
this is the machine
if you give them alcohol you’ll have a
great time so
ego and ego
are like through the roof they’re like awesome don’t
worry we’ve
taken care of you
we’re sitting in
first class
you’re not sitting with your class
you’re sitting in
first class to moscow
and i’m like
holy shit this is what i’m talking
about and i
bring another guy john
bolshoi big john i
bring him with me
to go sit in
first class and sure enough man we’re in fucking
first class
just me these two igor
john the conductor i shit you not
the conductor
before the train takes off comes into the room i
swear to you
rips off the ban on this
thing says this is a present for the machine
i would be an
honor to do a shot with you
and i’m like oh
this fucking
right so i do a shot with the conductor
and we pound this
vodka within
like fucking
thirty forty five minutes we’re done all the
vodka in the room
well we’re drinking hard and my
class is all in
coach and i’m sitting in
first class
and igor negro like let’s go get more
vodka and i’m like done
these guys run the fucking train
so we get up we walk into the bar cart
and biggie or says machine
grab a pile of
grab grab some
bread club and i’m like that’s bread
i’m understanding russian he’s like
grab some sia
that’s cheese i’m like
i’m learning russian i’m looking at john who’s
standing behind me he’s like yeah
he’s like grab
vodka i know that one and he’s like
grab all the
money grab all the rubles and i go what
i look around and we’re robbing the bar cart
what the bartenders
standing like this everyone
standing against the wall
and i’m sitting behind the bar
with a handful of rubles a bottle of
vodka and a
thing of bread
going holy fuck
john looks at me and he’s like
just take it let’s go
take all the fucking cash out
of the bar cart and what is the bartender doing it’s
not making eye contact
and their passion everyone just lets it happen
it’s the mob they ran
everything in russia
everything wow and so
we get done and we go back to our
room and it’s a totally different energy like very like
very sketchy
you know and are you
freaked out now i’m
freaked out because i’m like fuck i just robbed
the car like no one else saw anyone robbed the bar car
except for me
and my teacher val
who at the time was our chaperone
didn’t speak any russian she comes to our
first class cart
opens the door and says i need to talk to you
right now and
i was like listen and she goes i told you
that you’re in big
trouble you i my
classmate your
classmates have told me what happened
biggie or takes a sip of
vodka spits in her eyes and goes
no one talks to the machine like that
i’m like whoa he spit
vodka in her eyes and fucking it is
and then and then
shuts the door and then looks at me and he says don’t
worry i got you
when it gets dark we’re
gonna have a lot of fun and he pulls out a
thing of keys
he’s got keys to the
whole fucking
train he’s like
we’re gonna rob everyone when the when it gets dark
now i’m like fuck what i get
myself into
like this is bad news bad fucking news so
we get started
sure enough and we
start robbing the
train go through my
class first
and we fucking open the door
little eagle
would crawl in pull the bags out john and i
would go through them and try not to
steal like anything important
and biggie or
would stand
guard and if anyone woke up
you take a sip of vodka
and spit in their face
what and it was i mean it’s
sketchy now it’s
sketchy it’s not even fun are they low
are these guys arm fucking no
no no they’re loaded though they’re hammered piss drunk
we robbed my whole
class and then
and then we end up they end up taking off and
going into the car and me and john are sitting in
in the first
class car just
thinking we’re fucked man we’re fucked we rob the train
we’ve robbed the bar cart
and they come back and they’re just fucking
angry drunk like piss
angry drunk
we pull into moscow
and my teacher val
comes to the door opens it and said
i’m just letting you know we’ve called the police
so i was like fuck
so igor ego
and igor like fuck it don’t
worry fuck the
police fuck the police this is russia who the fuck she
thinks she is
this is america this is russia
we run everything
i’m like i’m
gonna fucking go to the gulag
sure enough
sure enough man the cops are sitting on the
on the middle like
the middle you know
where people get off the
train that little receiving area my
class is sitting there
my whole class are in the pajamas they’re crying
their bags have been gone through
they’re fucking giving
statements to the cops
and the cops are writing them down
and i’m sitting
with igor and igor and john in the fucking cart
and they’re just
still drinking and smoking and they’re like fuck this
fuck this we’ll take it there this
right now they walk outside
out to the cops
and start yelling at the cops and i’m like
motherfucker
this is not how i
would have taken care of this just
i don’t even know what they’re saying but there he’s
shouting in the cops are
shopping back
and then finally biggie or just starts
pointing at me and i’m like oh he’s pinning this
whole fucking
thing on me
like i’m going down for the
whole thing
and then the cop
starts pointing at me and telling me
is it yes by the arm
or whatever he’s saying come here right now
so i fucking walk out and it’s that moment
where you find the hash
on your body
you know they find it and you’re
going to jail forever is that that moment that walk
where your asshole gets cold
and you’re like this is it midnight express
fucking that’s the moment
and i walk all the way across this little fucking
trail to get to him i get
right up to the cop
and the cop looks at me and he goes
i understand you’re the machine
that’s like yeah and he goes tonight you
party with us
what so then we went out and
party with these cops
so the cops did nothing fucking nothing they were so
excited to meet the machine what they
were like this fucking it was the it was it was it
was it was an
nickname is there no one
funny in russia is that what it is
no there was no there was no
humor there was no
so when with you
is that what it is is no one
funny and then you come
along and you’re hilarious so they’re like we’re
partying with you yeah and i
was and i was just
loud like there’s not a lot of loud people like you
would you be willing to move to russia to be
their bitch
until like no
dude those guys scared me
one night the guy
how many nights did you
party with these guys
i party with igor and ewar
on the train only
and then i party with the cops
in moscow with john
and then for one
night and then we
we hid from them because they want
they like the cops one
no the cops
were scary more scarier than the gangsters because
they you they
could not get in trouble
like they either like
drive my cop car and you’re like what the fuck
drive my cop
car fucking do they
drive on the left side of the right side
same side as us
i don’t remember
i was there for
three months you
think i’d know
i think they
drive the same side as us
but they but they i mean like the whole
experience in russia was just i mean it was just
i remember one time we igor and
igor sasha has said they were
gonna get a boat for us for russian
may day or labor day
and they’re like yeah we gotta um
they’re gonna have a big boat for our
whole class we’re all
going out on the boat
so i get up
early for the day we’re
going out the boat and i go over to igor’s room
and igor is eating
dried fish drinking beers
and i was like what’s the matter and he’s
like i’m fucked i go what and he goes we got no boat
like what do you mean he goes i’ve tried
everything to
try to get a boat i can’t get a fucking boat
and we’ve promised the
class of boat
for the tour
is supposed to have a boat
and so we’re like oh fuck and he goes and then all of a
sudden the phone rings and he goes we got a boat
i go we do and he goes yeah
so we start walking to the dock
we’re carrying a fucking big case of beer my
whole class
cameras and fucking
their little passports around
their neck and one of his buddies
just walks up and he’s like hey and he’s like hey
and then we just get
to the dock and
there’s a boat there and we just get on it and take off
and halfway through we realized like i just
stole the fucking boat
really he just
stole the boat and he was like
russia must be just fucking
crazy insane we
went to a big mob boss
party one night and
igor tells the mob boss he goes
this is the machine this is the guy
how does this all happen i just was loud and then i was
partying with igor and
sasha so much that like
that and they just tell
their friends
oh you got to meet this guy you got to meet this guy so
funny dude we’re
gonna have to
drink with you and yeah
we’re gonna
do shots with burke
crusher you
gotta be careful man you’re
selling yourself as this incredible fun party guy
and everyone’s
gonna want to do shots with you i don’t i’m fucking
are you friends with igor on facebook now have you
tried to find him i don’t
think igor’s a
lot can i follow igor on twitter i
think igor i thought
you wanted to be a filmmaker really bad
yeah like you
really wanted to be a filmmaker and you talk
about film and
what kind of film
i have no fun
i was i was
22 at the time murder
films igor was
igor was probably dead
i would say
you you had a pretty
interesting life before you ever became a comedian you
would think you have a wealth of fucking
stuff to talk
about on stage
did you figure out a way to tell that mobster
story on stage i can’t because
it’s too long it’s too like it’s i can tell you here
but it to tell it
you just need
to chop it up it’s hard it’s really hard
it’s like the
tracy morgan
story i right you can’t
i never felt comfortable telling that’s
ridiculous well there’s a perfect example
goes look jay was telling on
stage and was
crushing yeah i know you
should totally tell that on
stage yeah maybe i’ll have him tell the machine
story and then
i didn’t have him tighten it
up from him
have him tighten it up
yeah just farm it out to
other like you know if there’s some mexican
comics in town
sort of like surrogate jokes
you can have them
carry your joke for you
into you know term
but yeah so
i don’t i don’t
i don’t party like that really anymore you were just
telling us how much
hammered you get lately because you’re trying to
avoid this on
planes yeah
like that’s fucking anxiety that’s me trying to handle
whatever i’ve done to my brain
so that i can get from fucking la to new york
do you feel like you’re
some guys don’t
want to lose that anxiety because they’re
worried that if
they become
evolved some whatever
you know enlightened
however you want to say that they
wouldn’t be
funny anymore
yeah i’m afraid
whatever i get nervously shit before i go and stay
still i used to
think that if i became more enlightened i
wouldn’t be
funny i would
avoid like doing yoga
and i would
avoid meditating because i
literally thought i had to be more fucked up to be
funny i feel that way
like they asked me to get on this
drug called selexa
for what what does that do
they have social anxiety disorder
let’s see so
alexa how do you
spell it s e l e c
c e l e x a
no i want to say it’s an s
i got a prescription for it
used to treat
depression the
class of antidepressants called
selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitors
that works at increasing the amount of serotonin
a natural substance
you know my
thing with all this stuff is
first get your body in order
you know this is what i tell
everybody whenever
i talk to anybody and they’re like oh i’m
thinking about getting on something i’m not
completely opposed to people doing
any sort of antidepressant
i know people that’s
changed their fucking life i know people
where it’s helped them dramatically
you know including one
buddy of mine who got on it
changed his
life and then slowly weaned himself off of it and
literally has a different way of
thinking now
and it saved him yeah he was really
super depressed he had some real issues you know
how much of it was his
childhood how much of it was
his biology whatever the fuck it is
but i think you
gotta get your body in
order before you
start fucking around with all that
stuff my body’s a
wreck yeah well
of course it’s not working so good then
yeah but it’s
how often you work out ah
i want you want to be healthy i mean am i
yeah you want
advice yeah
do you want advice
why don’t you
join some sort of a gym get some sort of a
trainer i’m not home
that’s so that when’s that ever
gonna happen okay how
about this bring a dvd on the road with you i
have dvds that are all body weight exercises
yeah yeah you can do it in your
hotel room you set a laptop down on the bed and
right in front of the bed you need a fucking
small space
you start doing
hindu squats and
hindu push ups and
shake weight
and you know
push ups with claps in between them and then you
could do handstands
against the wall
dude you can have a serious fucking workout
steve maxwell told me how to do chin ups on
a door you you put a
towel inside the door
slam it shut so there’s a knot in the
towel and the knot stays like so that you know you can
you can slam the door shut and
you know you can have it like
so you can’t pull the
towel through
and then you do chin ups with it
i do all kinds of
crazy shit in my
hotel room yeah
i’m sure that’s one of the
things i need to do
but before you
start taking any
crazy ass pills i’m not
gonna take it
they just said that’s what you
should be on
who says this some fucking doctor i went to
a therapist once and she was like you need to talk to
so you know i have a problem with flying
and i’ve always had a problem with flying and i fly
200 000 miles a year but i still
have anxiety when i get on a plane
i can’t get rid of it i
just hasn’t disappeared
and they’re
like yo what’s you need to get on celexa you also have
social anxiety disorder
and i’m like oh fucking
i can talk to people all day long
yeah that’s
ridiculous anyone
would say that you have a social anxiety disorder
you’re a fucking
comedian but yeah but but it’s i don’t know so
i’m sure there’s a ton of
things i need you to fix my everyone has a little
bit of social anxiety just because you don’t know
when you first talk to someone
you don’t know what the fuck you’re getting yeah
you know i mean
you get better at it and more used to it as you get
older but i used to remember
i used to go to banks and it’s i’d already
started doing comedy at the time
and i would fucking
have weird almost
like failures of my speech
when i was talked to someone at the bank
you know what i mean
i get up to the counter
can i help you sir
um yeah i need to
i need to deposit
deposit this
like you just like
what it just couldn’t come out
right i was nervous for whatever
stupid reason mean
i had fought
i had done stand up i done all these
scary scary
things but talking
to the teller for whatever reason you know
would make me
lock up you know so i
think we all have a certain amount of social anxiety
it’s just a matter of overcoming that you just need
india indica burt
the whole worst
i’ve gotten so confused with whatever
indica or sativa
whichever like
every time i ever have a conversation
with someone they’re like oh you need the one that
doesn’t make you think
right but you want the one that
doesn’t make your body
you don’t want to feel in your body and i’m like the
well it seems like that you’re overthinking
everything so that it seems like the it’s
not that bad i don’t
think it’s any different than anyone else i don’t
think i’m i don’t
think i’m i i
think if anyone had my life
style or my life
like where you travel
you’re gone all the time you’re jumping off
buildings you jumping out of
planes right i
think if anyone had my life they go through this shit
has it noticeably
changed since you
started doing the show
it’s gotten much
better last year
was really bad
but i’ve gotten much better with my anxiety
like now i can
appreciate like things
and go wow this is really cool that i’m
getting to do this like last year i was just a fucking
wreck yeah i
would find i
would find injury in the
smallest thing
i’d like that’s
gonna i’m gonna
we’re doing a
belly flop contest
and i was like what if there’s like a
stick i mean it’s
gonna fucking impale myself on it it’s a good question
should look out for sticks
thank you everyone
was like are you out of your fucking mind
you’re gonna
break it i was like no to go
right through
my body and i’ll die depends on how big the
stick is they’re all confident that you’re
gonna break it i
guess i don’t
but i but i’ve got much better
you’d be fun to be in
production with you like it’s good question
yeah man i’m the
worst place for
sticks when it comes to anything dangerous
i’m the guys like listen listen you take chances
motherfucker okay nothing
wrong with that
you better be
aware of what you’re doing
don’t be stupid
about it take informed
chances you know
this season’s been a lot of fun
a lot of fun to shoot
do you do comedy
when you’re on the road like filming do you like
scheduled gigs
no but if i do comedy all of a
sudden all the
all the chaos in my
all the chaos gets real fucking mellow
huh because i can
talk and i feel like i’m getting that outlet like i was
have i was in the middle like a
month stretch
from like alaska to at new york to dc to indianapolis
and then leaving indianapolis
we had to fly to cincinnati and my wife’s like
and i’m complaining to her
about my brain or whatever i’m fucking
is wrong with me and then she was like
just go get on
stage just go over to the to the
funny bone in cincinnati
and get on stage
it’s a good idea
i was like i
guess that is a good idea
cause it’s almost like a form of exercise like this
amount of energy that you expend on stage
oh yeah i don’t like i
i think i one of the
things that’s
wrong with me
is i don’t i don’t listen very well and i talk
more than i listen
like some people
are good listeners
i feel like i’m all
fucking exporting data
well listen you’re
aware of that
so you’ll be a better listener it’s that simple
if you’re aware of one
thing that’s fucking with you or one
thing that you don’t like
about how you behave
that’s step one
that’s even more than step one
step one is like
thinking what’s
wrong with me step two is like
figuring out what it is
you’re at step two
you already know what it is
but yeah but i
think once i do stand up
that i start
i start listening so i’m done talking
like you ever
get done with like a long stretch you like i’m fucking
do not want to hear myself speak yes
sure i’m done
talking i just want it’s hard to discipline
myself to listen to tapes when that happens
fucking listen to tapes i’ve
never listened to a tape ever really
never how do
you go over your bits i just it’s all my head whoa
yeah do you
think that that’s the best way to do
it or you just that’s the best way for you that’s bye
i know that’s not the best way to do it
cause anytime i look at a tape i go
man i should have fucking i
could do that different i could yes
yeah and it always works but i’m
i hate looking at myself on film and just
watching it
and going over it
and being like
you know what i say to myself what
i say you’re a professional
i’m a professional comedian
and my job as a professional comedian
is to do it the best i can
and to do it the best
i can i have to review tapes i have to actually write
i have to take chances on
stage where i go on
stage and i just
i don’t know what the fuck i’m gonna talk
about i just go i have to do that go down dark roads
especially like
sal’s comedy hole
i love that
place cause it’s like 80 people and you know
i can just fuck around and talk
about anything and bits will come out of that
so there’s that
but you got it
right and you got to review your shit you got
right to it you got to
do it all you got to do
everything all
right but i
think going through my shits exhausting
it is exhausting but that’s part of the job you know
as i’ve gotten
older and as i’ve gotten i think
i wouldn’t say that i take my
stand up more seriously
but i think i’ve gotten better at being disciplined
about it especially
like the last special that i did was like
came out less than a year
like a little over a year ago
and i’ve got a
completely new hour and 20 minutes between now and then
and it was difficult to do that i’ve
never done that before
i always sort of slowly
built up an act
you know over
the next few years because i kind of had to
you know but now
the way i do it i just
you know and i kind of like
got inspired by
louis ck talking
about how he comes up with a new hour
every year so i
you know i just tried to
attack it and
write as much shit as possible
and in doing
that and trying to put together a new hour in a year
you have to
review material you have to be more disciplined
about it you have to be more
professional
about it yeah but i
know is your new hour thematic of who you are right now
it’s the best
thing i’ve ever done for sure it’s
the most silly
but i also think that’s part of the
reason is because this podcast
like i don’t feel like the need to
extrapolate
or to expand on
like philosophical ideas or try to make something
funny that might not necessarily be funny
like all i’m really concerned
about is being funny
as opposed to you know
like sometimes i’d have bits
about something i just wanted to talk
about why don’t i have to worry
about that now
cause i just talk
about it on the podcast and i mean
the outlet is better
so in a sense
i think it’s condensed my comedy
and made it
sharper and better
made it more funny
my comedy is all over the fucking
place right now
everything’s all over the place
what is your
open or your comedy
what is the
do is it any kind of theme
or are you just pretty much
you sound like some guy at the fucking
hotel no i mean you know
what do you do
comedian so what do you do when you’re on
stage there do you have a theme to your act there
fella what’s uh
well you know what kind of comedy
you’re talking
about your comedy joe you’d say it’s more like a
storytelling
based it’s kind
of conspiracy kind of theory your kind of life
you know conspiracy theory
or used to be more conspiracy but not not really
conspiracy we’re talking
about the pyramids bet you mean
yeah say that’s a conspiracy
pyramids noah’s
ark all that
stuff but did
you have more of a like like bitty
are you more jokey jokey
or i’m straight up
storytelling
storytelling i
would say i
would say more so
my stand of shows more like you’re
going to watch someone
you’re going i feel like it’s it’s
literally you’re coming to my
house i’m telling you stories i’m
standing on the ottoman
and you’re sitting on the
couch and i’m just you’re like man that guy’s
house is fun to be at
like it’s a lot of just
crowd interaction you know i told you this last time i
bring people on
stage but yeah it’s straight up stories
i’ve had always had a hard time like i have a great
story about
the first time i met will smith
and i’ve had a hard time
um i have a hard time
telling it because i feel like it’s
i feel like it’s
name droppy yeah
yeah it’s just it just
yeah whenever you you you’re running uphill
whenever you say oh here’s the time i met will smith
get the fuck out of here
do they still
hang out with i
think you i
think you need to
you know you have to have a jammin fucking
story if you want to
bring up the time you met will smith
just to overcome the weight
of carrying that
story around
but it’s all
storytelling
and it’s you know
do you write do you sit down and
write stuff you know i can’t write a
story because
then it loses
the story always works the
first time i tell it on
stage and if i ever
could have ever
videotaped it i’d be like
bam that’s how i need to tell it every time
but you kind of almost
the way i work is
my brain i’ve got to feel the beats
like feel the beats and
where they go and
where they drop and
where they hit
and then and
and if i write it
it just becomes very long winded and all the jokes that
that would fit in on
stage just don’t fit it
they’re like longer themes
so everything you talk
about on stage is pretty much stories
yeah i would say so you’d
literally never sit down with a
laptop and say i’m
gonna do the russian mob
story then i’m
gonna do the russian mob story
is the hardest one for me to tell on
stage i’ve done it
i’ve done did it
you ever done
elliot in the morning in dc no
i did ellie in the morning and i told her on his show
and then everyone
would come to show and be like machine machine
and then i’d get up at the end of the
night and be like fuck i
gotta tell the story
that seems like a
show or a story rather you can tell on stage
i’m gonna try i’m
gonna try to
start working it into shows
but it’s also
weird if like
like i do the i do the
fighting a bear
story on stage
i do the i do the
story about my daughters
my daughters
but yeah i like
you never like say say what if you did a special you’re
gonna do a comedy central special an hour
an hour yeah when did you do this
by 18 months ago
and when you did it did you
feel like you have to write all new
stuff after you did it yeah but that’s but that’s
but i also get i feel like a hack if i tell old jokes
i’m very i don’t like listening
i feel like a phony a lot
a lot i feel like a phony
only because i don’t like
i guess when i when i
scouted the stand up i traded whatever
my wife goes nuts about it i traded whatever
brain i have
that is the guy that gets a job
at dean witter or whatever
and has those luncheon stories and tells the
story about golf last week
i traded in them for every story is fucking funny
every story is funny
and like and
i don’t like i’m fucking willing to mind anything
and if it takes it
quick like the russian mom story
i obviously
shorten a massive
chunk of that
because the real
story is a little depressing
the real story gets really depressing
so i but if you tell the people then they fucking but
there’s something
crazy about you robbing people
do you tell the
story about you working out in the bookstore on
the dude you
gotta tell that one and i was thinking
about that what if they you
never masturbated down there doing
anything like
that no there was a guy
there was a sign up
this is gonna
sound even crazier there was a sign up
that when i
was when you’d go
to hit an afraid elevator that said whoever there was
double doors
whoever is urinating on this door please stop
there’s offices on the other side
so i kept seeing that
going wow that’s so funny i
bring the freight elevator down here to work out
i wonder who’s
bringing it down to piss on
these doors and then i
started thinking
what happens when you piss on
these doors
like does it it’s
gotta be a fucking really good payoff
for the fuck
for them to
for someone to really risk it
every and just do it
and i was like i
should do that i
should definitely piss on this doors
and then that’s why i got
caught because they were
viewing tape to find out who’s pissing on the doors
and then they saw me working out and they were like
well it’s got to be him piss
i’m sure i got fucking
for both of those
yeah without a doubt
but you know it’s so funny
like now that you
this way my
brain works
i remember tell telling me i had a joke one time
about my name is
when i was growing up i
tried tagging in my neighborhood
so i got a can of spray paint and i was all
i was like son of a
bitch i’m the only bird that lives in this neighborhood
and then i was like sucks dick
and attell was like that’s a
great joke and
i was like and as soon as he said that i’m like
that’s in every fucking act
so now that you say you
should tell them
working out
in the barnes and noble
as soon as you said that my brain went
oh that is good i
never saw it as good
i never thought dude
that’s a classic bit i laughed
i when you said that you know have cameras down here
dude that would
crush yeah now
but that’s why my
brain works like
i never thought
about telling
tracy morgan and jays like you’ve got a fucking tell on
stage and i was like
yeah how did have you guys resolved that
i don’t know i
think so i mean here’s the
thing is that if he wants to tell he can tell it
right i don’t want to tell it i don’t like
do you make him say that it’s burt chrysler
i don’t want
tracy morgan fucking
tracy one day
that fucking
hen is coming back to roost he
thinks he’s
gonna get mad at you
come on he’s
gonna love you that
first of all he tells crazier stories than that
every time he goes on the radio
you ever seen the
thing that he pulls his
shirt over goes
someone get pregnant
oh is that slapping
his stomach
tracy morgan’s one of the most
hilarious individuals around but i just don’t know him
so i don’t wanna
like i only met him one time so i don’t wanna
yeah but it’s such a
funny story i don’t think he
i think he’s as a
comic would just to go that is a hilarious
story in a weird way also though and
i and i think i
admitted this to jay it’s better i i i enjoy
the people come into me and go i
heard that tracy
morgan story of yours
that’s fucking hilarious
i enjoy that more than telling it
every night on
stage and having that to be my closer
and then every
night everyone’s like
tracy morgan and i’m like oh fucking
again why it’s a
great story i don’t know please
i don’t know i’m
that’s an amazing
story it’s a
great story it’s a
great story
and i guarantee you i guarantee you
tracy morgan
have no problem with you telling that
tracy morgan is like joey diaz
except every now and then joey
diaz will get
upset at you telling the
truth about some
story will you
marry got mad
about marijuana
well how about yeah how
about the thing the other day
yeah you tell everybody in your podcast
i didn’t fucking show up for that show that one time
but he didn’t tell him
i was over at
eddie bravo’s
i was at eddie bravo
okay okay yeah i
like i like that response he was at
eddie bravo’s and then went to go see a movie
yeah it was
crazy meanwhile
people people
quoted on my website i ain’t
gonna lie to your dog
i never left
vegas did you
it’s what he was in
what did you ever
to impress you’re really good at doing people’s impress
you do well
it’s so subtle but it really
sounds like
brian callan i can do a few
i can do alex jones oh
here’s the way
you guys do
you realize i’m a jew
hmm i can’t do
it i can’t really do ari
i have to know i can do people
like i can do
who do i do i can do alex
jones i can do him real good i
could date you do a good alex jones
ladies gentlemen
black helicopters have been spotted
outside of dallas
texas right now
we’re gonna go live
infowars dot com
that one enjoyed is our yeah
best those are my two best
i can do mike tyson
that’s easy
arnold schwarzenegger pretty easy
i can do i can do scotty j from boogie nights
do you remember boogeyman
no what it was
you’re fucking
on here guys
was filled seymour hoffman yes
do you remember
when this is the only it’s not even words do you
remember when everyone saw dirk diggler’s cock for the
first time yeah and everyone had
their moment
burt reynolds kind of
was smoking a
cigar and kind of went like this
everyone kind of went like this
and this is scotty j this is
he was holding a boom mic and he just went
that’s the only
impression i
that’s pretty good dude i
think you nailed it you brought
me right back to that movie
i love that movie you know
when i first
started out i used to do impressions
but i stopped doing it because i felt like it was cheap
yeah i thought it was
cheap laughs
cause i would see guys that
would go on
stage and they
would get laughs just with
impressions
meanwhile there’s nothing
wrong with that i mean it’s
kinda interesting to see someone do an
impression it like
gives you like some sort of a charge like wow he does
sound just like him
oh i was like i need four or five of
those in my act yeah just to like
sprinkle them in between some
there were such a great like
dc benny used to pull out a fucking
this is my impression of
a of a italian eye doctor
what you looking at
like and it was just like real
quick i was
like benny wow i
haven’t thought
about that i
haven’t seen that guy in forever i used to
party with him and ben bailey and
tony woods back when i was
tony woods tony woods was like one of my best friends
tony woods is fucking hilarious tony woods is amazing i
never had he’s like
i mean i think
dave chappelle’s very original don’t get me wrong
but tony woods is like the original dave chappelle
like is very similar
style to dave and really fucking
funny and i’m not saying that dave stole from
dave just it’s like
he’s one of
those guys that we’ve all
known guys like
that for whatever reasons like they’re really funny but
this fucking
thing doesn’t get on the right
track and something
doesn’t happen and people don’t know you’re really
funny you know
there’s a few guys like that
where like jb smooth
you know oh jb
smooth’s making a lot of
money now dj destroyer
he’s always been a destroyer man
i was in um
i did a gig in new jersey once with jb smooth and
he was late we both were late we got lost it was
ridiculous directions this is pre
navigation systems okay this is like 1992 91
and we’re both pretty much scrubs
and you know we’re both
starting out and we’re doing these
stupid gigs and i did this college
and they were all
excited to see me because
i’d done the naka
thing and you get on
stage and i killed at the naka
conference and i got all
these bookings and i was so excited
well i get there i
think i’ve told this
story before so i’ll make it briefly
um i get there and
well the open airs not here jb
smooth supposed to open i was supposed to close
the openers
not here yet so do you want to just sit down and
watch tv okay
so i sit down in
their little rec
room and watch tv and i
watch this fucking special on the malibu fires
i don’t know what year it was i’m
assuming like ninety
three ninety two ninety
three and it was
devastating
these people were crying
and there was
a kid walking around calling out for his dog
and he’s walking over
these burnt down
foundations with
smoke coming out
and they’re
calling every five
seconds mike mikey
mikey calling out for
whatever the fuck the dog’s name is
and then there’s a guy who’s a fireman
and he’s crying and he’s crying talking
about this house was the only thing that
he worked his
whole life to
build this fucking house
well the opener hasn’t come so we’re just
going to throw you up is that okay
yeah okay and i didn’t know
back then i had to
learn a bunch of times
that you have to get yourself into a certain
state of mind before you go on stage
that you can’t just try to perform
you know you have to put your mind
you know when you’re 21
or whatever
the fuck i was and no one’s telling you what to do
you can kind of develop like really
loose habits
when it come
to your stand up
so i went up there dude and
i did not know how to
start the show off i didn’t
expect to be
starting the show off
so i didn’t
prepare for that
i prepared to be following the guys i didn’t have any
you know when you
start a show off from scratch
you gotta settle everybody in
you gotta calm
your way down get control of the room then
start with some jokes and open
strong open
strong so that they think it’s
worth following you and paying attention
i did neither of
these things
all i did was go on
stage and think
about these poor fucking people that lost
their houses to the fire so then
for whatever reason
a joke bombs
right and then i just say
i shouldn’t
watch that fucking show i’m
sorry this is what i did
right before i went on
stage i watched this documentary
about all these people in malibu who lost their
houses to fires and i go and i’m fucking depressed and
the audience is like 200 kids are like what are you
why are you telling us this
are you a fucking comedian
like what are you here for
i’m really depressed guys it was terrible and then jb
smooth finally showed up so he goes on
after i eat
dick for half an hour
he goes up and just crushes
it was exactly what they want he was
silly and high energy and
you know he just picked up the ball
where i left it in a pile of dog shit
and just ran with it
but he’s another guy it’s like
why is that guy not a
giant fucking huge star
tony woods brian you probably
imagine you’ve
never seen him do stand up
he used to go on
and purposely
literally not
speak for the
first two minutes and just
tony woods would
not speak really and just get himself organized
real slow delivery
and then he’d say something like
i know what you’re
thinking a joke
would be good
right about now
but i’m black and i don’t
when i don’t just when i get to work
doesn’t mean i
start working i gotta
walk around for fifteen minutes and
see who the girl
he was so fucking
he was like my zen
master when i
started comedy
like just really fucking
like just oh
like i tell a
story be like
that story is good i told a
story one night
about fucking old girl on the wait staff
that worked to the boston comedy club and
i lasted like two seconds
and she got really fucking pissed
started yelling at me
after and i was like
i was and i didn’t give a shit i was fucking drunk and
we were in my
hotel room and i was like listen
you can’t do that i was telling on
stage i was like you can’t do that shit
and she was
like fuck you fuck you you better go online and
learn how to
read a manual
about how to fuck somebody and i was like
i was like you know what i don’t care i got
i fucked you i win
and she was like
ah and then i go and you’re getting out of here you’re
going to brooklyn and so
she was like
motherfucker and then got all
dressed got to my door i
still am totally naked
with a beer in my hand
she’s at my door
and she was like
she was like i
swear to god i fucking and then looked at me and went
huh like and that and i went
and then we both
started laughing
i slammed the door
and then she
pounded on every door in my building
going berkecher can’t fuck
berger can’t fuck
this true is a true
story yeah so i get done and i told on
stage and then i get off and tony woods goes
alright number one
don’t ever tell that
story ever again
why i go why not and he goes
no one wants to hear that shit
all right let’s leave
tony was just like the best to be around
well he’s wrong
i want to hear that
story all day did he die
no no no he’s lives in dc
i give him a
call every time
why would he say not to tell that
story because you don’t want
people to know that you can’t fuck
that’s a black
white thing
black guys never want to talk
about how bad they are in bed
yeah there’s a lot of
things that are different i remember we did
a show with donnell rollins
and red grant
with the two
black comics
and they were like
oh man you never run a
train on nobody
no i’ve never run a
train on anybody
and they’re like oh man that must just be a hood
thing i was like
wait you guys like
like fuck a
girl the same time and he’s like yeah brother
down everyone ran
trains on people
i was like i’ve
never once ran a train
i go that’s kind of gay and like no that’s not
gay at all i go what the fuck it’s really gay like a
bunch of guys like
playing leaky submarine with some girl just walk walk
walk there’s hole back here but uh
and but that’s another
thing i don’t
think that has nothing to do with brothers that’s just
freaks seriously when hanging out with wild people man
i guarantee you
to it a trend
topic who run
trains dude people run
trains in all races really yeah if you run the train
listen we’re on the podcast
on the internet
right now i
never talk about this
how many people
can you guess how many people you’ve had sex with
yeah really
well i’ve got like eight
eight that’s it it’s good
you’re doing well my wife was
about seven more than i
expected from
i figured after that wait she just called
it quits but then i remembered you had a daughter
i don’t know man i stopped counting
when you’re when your
comic and you’re on the road
things get squirrely
when you’re single man you can do whatever you want oh
things can get squirrely
oh my god how many
comics do you know that
would literally gets
what they were looking for
more than even doing comedy they just want to get laid
after shows oh
every single one
we know a lot of guys i know guys have
damaged their careers because they don’t
write they don’t
do anything all they do is just try to go up
on stage and kill
and hope they meet a girl
after the show that was the that might be
that was the way i i
i wrap my head around the store
really i thought the
store was all like fucking a med
sebastian steve brett
i thought mike
young i thought they all just
went up murdered just to fuck
and then i was like you
think they did is that
do you think that that’s like a
was that a valid
thought or is that just
your own weird
paranoia semi
valid thought i think
i did a tour with
those guys once and they were just like
they’re like i was doing more time
like what the fuck are you doing like i was we were
east doing like
twenty minutes and i was doing thirty
what are you doing
thirty four let’s get out of here
that’s good bar
that’s fucking tell everybody
where to party
i was like i’m
married i own a due time
that’s funny
you wanted to do
extra stand up and they wanted to get off quicker
so that what they’re worried
about see if there’s
mike young brent
ernst and aaron
was an a indicator
all in one room
and then you know
you want to be the
first guy off
stage because
you want to be the one to attack quick
you don’t want to
get there after mike
young has already
taken her into the bathroom yeah
could be careful fucking mike young
god mike young
mike his middle name isn’t
mike isn’t young anymore
that’s what
should be he
eats like a
crazy man too does he
oh yeah he’s got that
pancreatic cancer in his family
what’s that what
he’s got cancer
brain cancer pancreatic
so if you ever eat with him
you’ve eaten with them what does he eat
he just eats very healthy like we
went to hooters one day and he had chicken breast and
and a bowl of
lettuce and i was
like what and he was like man i got to keep my healthy
my shit clean
cancer runs in my family and
creeps up and you die wow
yeah that’s creepy like he doesn’t
drink beers he’ll do shots of tequila
oh that’s healthy
that’s real good for
you yeah what
the fuck is that
that’s that’s so fucking
who joey diaz has
started smoking
cigarettes again what
yeah what is he doing wait
how i saw him smoking
he didn’t just
start it’s been
going on for a
while he smoked
one at the airport the other day
smoke he was
talking for a
while he was telling me that he only
smokes them before shows but then i saw him
smoking one at the airport
what’s going on he’s awesome
how old is joey diaz
you know joey does joe
it’s like bigfoot
no when he dies there will be no record of him
who do you want to take
at your funeral no one
no one no one
light me on fire who gives a fuck are you serious yeah
stupid i don’t want a
bunch of people
standing around crying
because i’m gone
i don’t like yeah i don’t like
going to them
i hate funerals i’ve skipped like the last three
that died yeah
my friends were friends die i you know i
mourn them in my own mind and
think about them but
i’m not into it really um
so when did he
start smoking
cause i see him the other day with a
cigarette i go what the fuck is going on
well you know how i found out brian
did you tell me or did ari tell me ari told me
joey’s outside smoking
and i go did we just smoked
i thought he meant weed he goes no no he’s smoking that
other stuff
i go other stuff
you said that yeah
and then we were working in brea
and then i went outside and joey smoking a
cigarette with you
i go what are you doing just gets the fucking
party started this gets the blood pumping
you know i’m saying
right before i go on
stage i go you smoking cigarettes
no no no right before i go up
right before i go up
just get a little taste
get a little fucking makes me
crazy makes me
nuts i just want to go up there and go fucking nuts on
these motherfuckers
it’s been a
while actually i’ve
known about it for
maybe a year
wow does terry
still smoke does this girl
still smoke
i don’t think she does but she did last time i saw her
she did last time you saw her
which was how long ago
well not long
ago at all the
drunk cast did the
ufc drunk cast
i don’t like people dabbling the
cigarettes man you know scary thing joe we had on ari’s
podcast yesterday on death squad we had
mac linsey and he was i don’t know if you saw it or
not but he was talking about how he
you know grew up
being a huge drug addict homeless you know meth head
and he did like doug stanhope show
while he was on meth and
like doug like we were talking for five years and
i mean it’s a pretty interesting interview
but the one
thing he’s like he’s like you know
everything else i
haven’t touched anything for five years or anything but
fucking cigarettes
i can’t fucking do it he’s like i’ve
tried so many
times he’s like it’s impossible he’s like i’ll quit
it’s just amazing how
i mean meth even
you know that’s why
i’m like looking at joey and i’m like what makes you
think you had a real hard time for years he
would tell me
joe rogan is the hottest fucking
thing i ever had to quit
those cigarettes
there’s something
in them they get in your bones you know i’m saying
never leave
getting your fucking
sweat your blood
you get in there and you can’t get them out joe rogan
you can’t get them out
and now i see it i see someone smoking
it makes me sick
makes me sick
to my stomach i can’t believe i ever did that
so to see him smoking
again after all that
sounds like
even though you say that
which is what i would say
to when i quit and
that’s what you did
say when you quit
in the back of your head though
every time you
smell it or see a
cigarette you
still think i
still think
about it i haven’t smoked
in i haven’t
spoke to him oh well over
20 years what does it make you feel like what
what happens
when it what
what does it
give you what is the feeling like because no one
see when you
smoke pot you sit back you know like
whoa like you
feel it hit you it’s instant it changes your outlook
it gives you an altered perception
it’s like it
changes your body it makes you more sensitive
i see people smoking
cigarettes and i’m like you’re
still the same guy
there’s nothing
happening it
relaxes you
it does relax it
relaxes i chewed
tobacco for a long time no
for the same reason
yeah i chewed tobacco cause
like i couldn’t imagine doing
this what we’re doing
right now without a dip in my
mouth really
i couldn’t imagine i
could not imagine if you if you someone
would come into like our lounge and our fraternity or
or into my apartment
and be like dude you’re
never gonna believe what happened i’d be like give me a
second let me get a dip
cause a good
story was like you had to have a dip
first oh man
sal from sal’s comedy
holes addicted to
cigars holy shit that guy is just
i go how many do you
smoke a day he’s like ah
all day i go
all day and he
smokes them when they’re like just another
blob and then
he goes and
give somebody
money to go buy a more is he
does he inhale them
no you don’t
inhale cigars some people do
really yeah
usually people that are
addicted to cigars
yeah most people are addicted to
cigars like i
smoke cigars
but i don’t inhale them
so if i have one it’s
gonna be because my dad’s in town
where someone says hey
would anyone like a cigar
dude you want to come with me man i got
a membership at the
grand havana
room i got a
humid door up there and
everything seriously yeah you don’t
smoke cigars yeah i do i do
me and my friend matt we go there
every now and then
the little butt buddies
where our names on the plaque together we
share a box we got a
bunch of cuban
cigars in there yeah it’s the shit
yeah you sit down and feel like a fat cat you know
all these assholes
but what’s really interesting is how
many like celebrities go there you see like look it’s
david caruso
who looks a million years old by the way
just like wow that was the guy that’s the guy from
nypd blue now he’s
become this
weird sort of caricature
with you know
his sunglasses and the csi miami
those shows man you doing one of
those shows man
you want to talk
about a life
changing thing that’s your new life pal
your new life it revolves
around this show that you’re doing because you’re
gonna film it most of the year and you’re
gonna film it most of the day most of the week
almost the entire week you’re gonna be
spent filming five six days a week 12 hour days
sometimes more depending on what shots need to get done
those fucking shows are brutal
i’ve had a bunch of offers i’ve had a few
things come my way
where you know they wanted
to meet me for something like that i’m like what is it
single camera
drama so stop
stop talking
stop talking stop it really hurts
i’m not doing it you don’t seem like a five year
playing kind of
guy the more time goes on man the more i am just
enjoying doing comedy
doing the podcast
and doing the
ufc and i wish the
ufc i would like to do less of those
i love doing it
but sometimes i
travel just a bit too much i
would love it
if it was like in la or something like that
but sometimes it’s hard but when i’m there i
never wish i was anywhere else
i’m enjoying
everything i do
so i’m very careful
right now to make
sure that i don’t take on anything else that i don’t
enjoy cause
right now my life
is like a little masterpiece like i’ve got it set up so
i’m like when i’m in town i’m
enjoying everything i’m doing i have the
greatest group of friends
you know and a part of it is this podcast you know
and now because this podcast
the people that
are coming to see me at the shows are different
it’s like now
they’re all podcast fans and they really know
where the fuck
i’m coming from and we’re all coming from
i mean brian gets fucking huge
rounds of applause when he goes on
stage now brian do like five
minute sets and
in portland
gets huge rounds of applause
ari does two huge huge
round applause in seattle
brian’s the puff
daddy of podcasts ballin bro
but it’s you know
it’s all good
stuff it’s not like when i was doing fear factor
it was like it was a great job
it paid ridiculous
money and it was really easy it was
three days a week
but during those
three days i
would wish i was doing something else
and i did it
happily because it was a lot of money
but there’s
never a time when i’m doing a podcast
never a time when i’m doing
stand up never a time when i’m doing the ufc
where i go wow i wish i was doing something else yeah
every time there’s a
ufc i’m like
fuck yeah here we go you know the
boom boom the
sound comes on
the lights dim
first fight
starts i’m like whoa
punch knuckles with mike goldberg here we go
every time man i’m like a little kid i love it there’s
never a time
where i’m like
god i can’t believe i’m sitting here
watching fights
never never and to
stand up right before i’m
gonna go on
stage there’s
never a time
where i’m like fuck i can’t believe i’m doing stand up
never never now
how much how much does money
incorporate into any of your decision making
well it has to
but luckily i make good
money from the ufc and i make good money from
stand up so it doesn’t have to it’s like long as
those things are covered
then i don’t have to think
about it it’s when they’re not covered
then it has to become an issue like
so much okay go ahead like say when i first
started doing fear factor i was not making really good
money with standup i was doing newsradio
at the same
time can you tell me how much you’re making on standup
beckman a few grand a week
like couple grand couple grand
okay yeah two grand 2500 maybe in a good week
but i was doing like thursday through sunday you know
maybe newsradio was getting
it was a little more than that towards
the end because it was 99 when i put out my cd and that
definitely helped
and i was getting paid better in clubs
and there were some
places where i
could sell out
but it was inconsistent and it was few and far between
so when something
like fear factor came up it was like well
here’s a good chance to make really good
money you know
and when you
say like 2500 people go wow that’s a lot of money
but then you know when you take away
agents fees manager
fees and also business manager and
and consider you’re also
a different
tech bracket
on news radio
yeah so you’re
i can tell you exactly how much you walk away with 2500
yeah that was my rate
yeah you walk away with 30 cents on the dollar
35 cents on the dollar
so ridiculous
yeah it’s ridiculous
but that’s just the way it is so you have to make good
money to stay
ahead of the curve
and then if you want to be able to relax
you have to have enough in the bank so you don’t worry
if something happens
i mean financial freedom the real financial freedom is
not the freedom
to buy things and to own
things the real financial freedom is to not
worry about
money that’s the number one thing
get yourself in a
place where you
could feed yourself
and be able to
brian cowan
said this to me once and i really took it to heart
and he goes
being rich i’d like to be rich yeah yeah yeah
but you know what i want to do
so i want to be able to go to a nice restaurant
whenever i want
go to a nice restaurant
and i’m like
that’s so true like be able to eat at a nice
place and never go well how much is the steak 28
how much is the fish
24 the fish
you know that feeling
which i mean
you know i mean
i clearly remember
thinking like that you know
that’s real financial freedom you don’t have to think
about stuff
so the way i’ve got
everything set up man it’s like i’m in a real good spot
right now so i
gotta be real careful
about taking on any
other things
i talked about
i’m pitching this show right now
it’s sort of
based on some of the ideas that came up on the podcast
but really the more i’m thinking
about it the
more i’d rather just put cameras on the podcast
that’s what
really yeah
that seems like the most ideal
thing because we’re pretty much doing it already
might as well do it
do it not like
this in your career i
would say this is probably the most
and this is this is just for as a person who’s
who’s obviously
been a fan of yours and
i’d say a friend somewhat but
this is probably the most representative of you
and this is
this is your
this is the one
thing that i
think when you
past people will go
dude his podcast was fucking
that was before people were really
like doing them and it was just it was
breaking ground i mean it was like
and it was his it’s your personality
your stand ups your personality
but it also has to be
delivered in a one to set
there is a payoff in
every moment your
stand up so
you will compromise
despite how much people will argue this
you will compromise
your voice for a joke yes
a lot of times yes it’s different
and i don’t feel like i have to get my
voice out anymore
i used to feel like there were certain
things that i wanted to say on
stage that maybe i couldn’t
say because i couldn’t condense it into a joke form
i don’t feel like that anymore
you know there’s a lot of
stuff that i have there’s a lot of
weird thoughts
that i have that i’ve expressed on the podcast and i’ve
explored in
depth that almost have no payoff as far as humor
you know like my idea
about the whole
universe being some complex mathematical problem
every literal
thing that goes on is just a part of some
giant fucking algorithm this is something i’ve been
dwelling on for a long long time there’s nothing
humorous in that
but we’ve discussed it on the podcast a
bunch of times i totally believe that in parallel
states yeah i fucking
totally believe in that shit i believe that do you ever
think to yourself like
i can’t believe i’m
still alive no
brian does cause brian ate onions this morning and his
heart almost fucking exploded
onions his heart palpitation
brian has this
super hot girl
can you tell the
story that you were telling me right before you
started the show about how lazy you are
oh yeah sure
tell this this is how ridiculous this motherfucker is
first of all this girl is dating
ten okay ten
solid ten not ten face but a six personality
not ten face
but a five body she’s a fucking ten she’s ten la ten
is an la ten la ten
legit ten fucking i don’t i don’t use la
tens i use tens this is
i don’t i don’t
judge anybody in any
other way this is it okay
straight of across the
boards no no
doubt i was just too
tired to have sex what’s
wrong with that no tell me what you did
i i went down on her
getting she had orgasms
and i was like i’m good
going to bed
dude you need to go to a doctor all
right you need to
get your fucking
blood work done
find out you need niacin in your diet and
my wife incorporates some
squats and deer
get off the cigarettes
we had sex we had
this is my wife
would hate that i’m talking
about this don’t let her know we have a podcast
my wife couldn’t figure out a fucking computer
it’s broken
it’s broken i don’t
why does it always
break when i touch it
cause you’re fucking retarded
and so she says um we had
my whole thing is go oral
first and then
we’ll do tuesdays right
and so we had oral sex and then she said
said all right and she goes well
what about just me doesn’t that ever
like it’s so often it’s just you
what am i really just
get head all the time like no no just i
just squirt it in there and go to
sleep you guys be like
sorry really do you do that
you don’t you realize how different we
are i enjoy eating
pussy i’ve talked about it many times so i did too
even if i’m not horny and
air horny i’d be like
oh dude i’ll totally take care of you you don’t get
horny once you’re
eating pussy
yeah it’s pretty good that’s like saying like
i yeah i’ll just chew it and spit on the floor
i mean i’m going to fucking swallow it right
i’m gonna go bill burr on your ass don’t talk about
rss feed i’m not saying that’s what i do
every time last night i was so fucking tired
i’ve never been too tired to fuck
yeah i’ve never been too tired to drink and
i woke up and took care of her
so but brian
did you you were not aroused at all i want you to
sleep last night i seriously was so fucking big
actually i take it back i know why i did it on
top of being so tired i was fucking
stuffed out of my mind
i made like these huge garlic steaks and vegetables and
stuff so it was more just kind of like you know what
i’m just not your
system is just crawled down to a hulk kid
you know where you’re supposed to take a nap
you know after you eat a big nose
she wants her box eaten
yeah and she’s a ten
yeah yeah me molly falls asleep that’s
i mean i maybe could consider
licking it she uh
oh he’s like thank god
i could maybe consider that if i had
taken an ambient and had one of those
sleepwalking episodes
and my wife’s like you woke up in the middle of the
night and ate my
pussy you don’t remember that and i’m like
almost been the ambient
but i can’t imagine just doing that sober
do you ever worry
do you ever worry that she’s gonna
think that you’re not attracted to her if you don’t
i don’t fuck her when now because normally
i wish we were at my
house right now so i could just go grab my
trash can we normally fuck like what six times a day
so grab your trash can
huh wait what are you doing grab your trash can
oh son god jesus christ
the national average is six times a
month i know that’s what my
normal average is too up below the average
for fucking paraplegics
she’s one of the i’m very lucky
cause she’s one of those girls that you could just
touch her in the arms she goes
you know like that
it says she’s just fucking text you the other day
why do i find listening to you fuck
talks so distasteful
there’s something about it just
i’m like i’m going like this with my mouth
she’s one of
those girls that always
grabbed your hand when you’re just in the middle
of conversation and she just puts her hand in her
pussy and it’s just like
juice oh one of
those girls yeah yeah
those don’t
exist in my
world okay the
note never no i’ve
never had a
point you have a very small
like test group
you’re working with
eight people
i’m target marking out of iowa
i’m trying to
learn how rice krispies sell
only in this one city didn’t you say that your show is
targeted like that
whole network is
targeted towards
women towards
women yes network
he’s on the
travel channel
which by the way one of my favorite shows
two of my favorite shows
anthony bourdain’s
no reservations i fucking love that show oh great a
great show and made
it really recommended some
great restaurants to me
because of that show i
found out about
a great seafood place
god i can’t remember the name
in austin it
would be great if i
could pull the name out of my ass
but it was a fantastic seafood
place in austin that i
found out about
i found out about
places in la
i found out about a
place in la a mexican joint that
serves goats
okay they have
giant fucking
like sides of goat and they’re sawing it with a bandsaw
and cooking it all together they cook like hundreds of
pounds of goat every day
it’s amazing
you know i found out
about a bunch of
great places
and then also that
steve renella show yeah
you said did not get such good ratings on
yeah maybe shouldn’t be done
yeah but no
it might be done
do amazing they
gonna bring it back you
think i doubt it really i’m speculating
what the fuck do i
hear i know nothing i know nothing
good fucking
show but yeah
it was a good show
but you know here’s the
thing is that you know
for a first
season show you
kinda gotta
hit a home run
i mean there’s
cause it’s you know
people get just as
excited about new projects
as they do successes but they don’t get
excited for shows that did
pretty good well also when you’re dealing with a women
based network man it’s
gonna be hard to promote a show about
hunting i think
all i think
all networks
other i mean almost all networks really
target women
no that’s no not at all no no
no eighteen to
thirty four males eighteen to thirty
four males are
where the money is
that’s what they always talk really yeah
maybe i got our demographic off but i could’ve
swear money
as far as i mean obviously you can make a lot of
money if you’re oprah
but as far as like you know
the people that
spend the most it’s 18 to 34 year
old males that’s the 18 to 49 occasionally depending on
how far they want to stretch your demographic or like
23 to 52 i bet
travel and food
network and there’s a couple of those that
i’ll do women i
could see that totally you
know the you know
and anthony bourdain
anthony bourdain’s show is very male centric i
would think you know the way he discusses
things and talks
about things and
drinks a lot and
it’s a fun fucking show yeah but i
think even like
adam richman’s
show is very
women love it but
women like i mean i
think women will
watch a guy they
want to connect with connect with like
you know that’s what i
think was a big fear of my show is that i’m kind of a
meathead i’m like
a forest broke
gum frappe boy
right so like
who wants to
watch a guy
scream all over the
world and jump and then they
underestimated
your charm exactly that’s what i said bitches
but i just need to step
but now that but
our shows doing good and and
so and you told me this adam richman guy this man
versus food
he got so fucking fat that he
doesn’t even do the challenges anymore
i never said that joe
oh okay you didn’t say that no
what i heard on the internet
it wasn’t you
i’m sorry it wasn’t you
what i heard on the
internet was that this guy got so fucking fat that he
doesn’t do the challenges anymore is that true no he
no he’s not doing the challenges anymore what the fuck
is that cause
i think that’s the
whole show though i don’t
think he got fat i
think he just fucked his body up
i think it’s just very unhealthy
the reason why i said this is there was a threat
about it on my message
board this is a
long time ago before i even talked to anybody about it
and it showed a
picture of him from
season one to what
season is he in now
season four
poor fuck yeah
but he’s his body just you know
he does all the
like cleanses and
detoxes and even
still was just like fuck i’m eating
30 pound cheeseburgers you
can’t do that show you can’t do that show for six
seasons for 20 seasons
so they had to kind of change it i
think to make it more of a
sustainable
show for so it
could carry on that long
and so now it’s called man
versus food nation
and they’re doing it
where he brings in
like they did the
nasty boys in tampa
where the i mean i
definitely shouldn’t be talking
about a show
talk about a show bro but yeah
let’s talk about bert the
motherfucking conqueror
tell these bitches when they can
watch it when is it on
sunday nights at
eight o’clock
sunday nights at
eight o’clock
i will now set my dvr
bert is a fucking hero
he’s one of my favorite
human beings
on the planet that is the you
you’re a fucking you’re an awesome dude man you got a
great laugh you got a
great personality your stories are the shit
please tell that fucking barnes and noble
story on stage
it’s gonna be a
crusher dude it’s a
and you can do that russian one too
bert kreischer if you want to follow bert on twitter
you can follow him it is
b e r t k r
e i s c h e
r that’s a complicated ass
fucking name
change that like
bert is cool
or something can you change your handle bert
is the shit bert
yeah i used to be joe rogan
net it used to be dot
met but it was so long it was impossible to retweet me
like if i said anything
funny like you
would have to
like chop it all up because there was too many words
like if i tried to use
like i used to
think like the new twitter you can retweet
something and it just retweets it in its entirety
like a separate
140 characters
but it used to not
be that it used to be that when you retweeted something
you had to account for all the characters inside
their name you don’t have to
do that anymore no no you don’t have to do it anymore
on twitter you just hit retweet and it can just
take care of it the way it is so
anyway and some dude had joe rogan
what can i change mine to
just do it make sure it’s something that is
memorable you
don’t have to do your last name like burt k
or how about burt likes to fuck
yeah or the
machine and tell your wife
about it just all nonchalantly
yeah i changed my twitter name to burt likes to fuck
what what burt likes to fuck who
i just like it in general
i just like it
i don’t like it with the awesomest
it’s the greatest
thing ever your fans are
ridiculous on twitter
i went last time i did this show
i got like 3
000 fans really well we want you to get 3 000 more
today and you
know and anytime
i told you anytime you ever have a show
please let me know and i’ll tweet it
and we’ll pump it up on the podcast i want one of
those so bad you want a
flashlight i got one for you
are you serious yeah exactly it’s so awkward to buy one
well you don’t have
to buy one i’ll give you a free one joe used that one
last night no
i didn’t use that one i
haven’t used any
of the ones that are laying around here if you go to
joebrogan net and
click the link we want to
thank first of all
thank the flashlight for being our sponsor
it’s a cool company
and you know it’s embarrassing for a
lot of people and now it’s become 10 minutes of my act
right now i did a joke i was
wrong i made a joke the
other day on
stage i don’t remember the
reference i don’t know how it came out
but i made a joke
about a flashlight
and said i said yeah and then just type in the
promo code rogan
and the place went fucking bananas
cause their podcast yeah
and i but it was an irvine and i just
type in the
promo rogan
and they fucking went
crazy that’s hilarious well you
said you had
a lot of people come up to you and i have more
people come up to me from your show than my tv show
wow that is i mean it’s and
i love it because it’s your your comedy fans are like
straight up comedy fans yeah
they don’t fucking heckle they don’t
they don’t like
drink too much and get fucking kicked out they’re just
good like just random
random i told you a girl from hgtv listens to this
yeah a woman
what are the heads of directors of hgtv was like
i heard you on the rogan podcast
rights dtv hg
that’s what
i thought you talking
about hd that makes
sense because that’s like the
fight network and they were like straight up like okay
i was like shut up oh that’s awesome
hi to her hey
listen the best thing
about this podcast is that we develop like a real
connection with all
these people and it’s like
you know what people tell me is
it’s like they’re hanging out with us
you know what i mean
dude the best testament to this show
and i swear this on my children
when i’m on
the road i’ll put on the podcast and put it on low
in the pillow next to me i just feel
like i’m listening to friends talking the other room
and it puts me to
sleep and i just go
but a lot of times i had to stop
cause i would
i get out weird
yeah i can’t
do it to a new one because i’ll end up listening to the
whole fucking
thing all right
the old reruns and it needs to be re
like someone
is your friend energy
like just very like mm hmm
and i’ve listened
is that your re impression
but the one
where you guys had the
blackout yeah
still i listened
that a million times because i love listening to
i love that
he passes out halfway through
yeah he was
completely gone well
joey got so
tired because he
ate a cookie and
he smoked joints and he had to hit the bag he had the
vaporizer bag to
he gets so hot he goes down a downward spiral
joey’s the reason why i
found out the difference between indica
and sativas
because i never
smoke indicus
i really didn’t
realize that there’s so much of a difference
until i smoke joey’s weed
me and brian and duncan were hanging out in houston
texas we’re in the
lobby of the hotel
and we were just sitting there
slack jawed and no one was moving
no was going anywhere and i was like what the fuck is
wrong with us
and then and then i
think it was duncan that realized it
right he goes i
think we just smoked joey’s weed
like oh no what have we done
cause jelly just like i just like to get
blasted dog i don’t give a fuck alright
og kush what do you got there
third eye train
wreck come with it bitches
come with it
he’ll just whatever the fuck you got man he’ll
smoke it but he used to be on he
doesn’t do it anymore now he likes hybrids
which are good because hybrids give you like that heady
thing but it also
relaxes you
good for comedy
when i when i fucking
whenever i get the chance to have a regular life
maybe i’ll take
up weed smoking then but i can’t do it now
fucking all over the
place you could dude look we’re
gonna get you
an isolation tank
we’re gonna get you some exercise
videos to follow we are
gonna rebuild bert kreischer
thank you to the
flashlight for
sponsoring our show if you go to
joe rogan net
click in the code name rogan
you get fifteen percent off
folks who are interested in coming to see me in toronto
there’s a very few tickets left they’re almost out
and the only way you can get them now
ticket hall
ticketmaster sold out
but if you go to my twitter
there’s a link for the massey hall is
where i’m playing
and they have tickets available on
their website
but that’s it and i can’t fucking wait it’s
gonna be awesome i can’t wait to go there
thank you everybody that came to portland
portland was the shit
one of my new favorite towns
thanks to everyone
nicest people ever
nicest people everybody was super cool
and like i said
never been handed more weed
ever in my life
after shows
i felt bad like take your weed i can’t take this
i have too much i can’t
bring it home with me
philly philly is all sold out i believe we put in the
second show
thursday night
and that might be the only
thing that’s
there’s tickets left so that’s helium and philly
which is next weekend
and that’s with joey and ari it’s the full
death squad bitches
brian would go because
girls having her birthday
and he has to eat her box wow well
so that’s it
folks and we’ll see you
thursday and friday
is going to be
kevin from attack of the show
really special
yeah special
friday episode
the guy i don’t know how
to say prayer
how do you pronounce
his last name
kevin never
know this that guy he’s very cool i’ve
known him many times and
i never i don’t forget how to
we’ll figure it out we’re
gonna get to the bottom of this
that’ll be friday at
three and somebody else on
thursday i’m not sure
maybe steven is easy if he’s home
all right bitches
you know i love you
thank you very much for tuning in
thank you very
much for coming out to all the shows and for
everything you do and for being a part of this fucking
crazy experience we’re all
going through together burke kragers
in the motherfucking
house ladies and gentlemen
burke kreischer
thank you bert
appreciate it brother
thank you joe
thank you brian
man subscribe to
death squad
watch my show this
sunday yeah watch bert
crush your show please