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and with that said here we go buckle up bitches
shit’s about to get freaky
the joe rogan experience
you know people complain about that drum
thing in the beginning that don’t don’t smash
they’re complaining man that fucks in my hearing dude
i don’t like it it makes me blows my speakers up
it’s there to let you know you’re alive
wake up you know
to let you know yeah
it’s uncomfortable yeah it
doesn’t feel right it doesn’t sound good it’s a hook
that would be better than
then then you just
talking like hi i’m here
maybe come on maybe that’s better no is there a better
there is no better there’s no better
there’s no better
ladies and gentlemen that drum thing is tight right
brian whitaker and daryl ryder in the
house ladies and gentlemen what’s up guys two mad
savages attacking the comedy
scene in los angeles out there
fucking making shit happen you guys are in the
grind you’re out there biting
it’s been a while
and scratching
yeah man first of all thank you for having me on it
thanks for being on my friend oh i
appreciate it i’m glad you’re both here and it’s funny
well it’s accidental that
brian’s here
like joe was like who the fuck is that i don’t
know i’m like oh daryl
might have brought some
crazy friend no he’s
lucky he was
my friend too
i couldn’t see your face man
i saw the sun
line i was like
but last time we had someone here
pete johansen
brought his wife
she just started talking
while we were in the
middle of conversation we had to give her a microphone
i’ve met her man she’s nice
she’s nice she was nice
but it was squirrely
yeah it’s like he’s attached bro there’s
met dudes that are attached to
their wives
and some dudes you
never see that
motherfucker without her it’s like this is the unit
they come as a unit they
don’t come individually
it is what it is man that’s
our turn to talk
but that’s like
ralphie and lana now yes
yes that’s like
ralphie and lana now yeah
yeah they’re like attached to the hips yeah
she’s a sweetheart
but you don’t see
him without her
brian is his
microphone not on or something yeah it’s on it’s just
so am i just not
how’s that no
but daryl’s daryl’s
doesn’t sound
right is it
it doesn’t sound
right to me either but now
now it does
now it does
now sounds louder okay
okay folks at home what the fuck
at all this time over a year
trying to get our technical
fucking shit together
and work with us dude i
got i had technical envy when i went to adam corolla’s
place i went to adam
corolla’s house to do the podcast that
motherfuckers got his shit wired
i’m an amateur
man he’s got
stacks of compressors
i mean stacks of
audio compressors
not just one
but we don’t even have one
when it gets loud it hurts your ears sorry
no i can’t someone’s
like when joey deere is over here you fuck
that’s different
joey when he
starts going off like that
brian has to dive on the the
microphone thing
it’s like a
staff with what how many
would he’s got a lot of people working for it
well he’s doing
like adam adam
adam does 12 jobs
right now yeah adam no
you’re not adam does
a totally different setup
first of all
unimpressed he’s got people
oh yeah after ghetto i know
this is ghetto
as fuck it’s disgusting
he’s got people working like the cameras he’s got like
individual cameras on each
individual person and someone manning a
switch inside
so there’s a person who does that
then there’s a person who looks up
stuff on the web and pulls it up as you’re talking
about it so i have to google shit myself
he’s got dudes to pull shit up on some giant big screen
yeah and then he’s got a
sound effects
board which is
that was the one thing that i would cut
like in the
middle of the conversation a dude hits buttons and it
sounds like a jail cell closing
or another one
sounds like a dog oh
man he does his podcast
at lewis club
and dog it’s like an hour and a half set up
but it’s tight like if people go to see it live
it’s fucking
wild corolla
can ramp like the
best of all
of them that
motherfucker
can go off on anything he went off on the public
school system in la
by the time he was done i was
ready to vote for
mayor i was like
dude i’ll register
you’re the mayor now you’re the mayor of
la when was the last time that you
voted man i
voted for obama
okay cool i didn’t
i’m not happy
about it now
now i feel like i got duped
i feel like a dumbass
i feel like it’s all the same
i feel like i
i went against my own
thinking on all this
stuff i’ve always said
which politics are like pro wrestling
you know it
might make you feel like you’re you know
you’re rooting on pro
wrestling you
might feel like you’re participating but i don’t really
think it counts
i think you
gotta kinda give em a
break and you know like for
y’all that never
that don’t know me
joe knows me
race is not an
issue with me like i’m
i’m a nascar fan
i’m a country
music fan so it ain’t one of
those things
but i think in this
particular case
he’s the first
black president
and he doesn’t want
to overstep his bounce that’s what i’m hoping that it
is oh that’s
silly he fucking treading
really like me
because the president
he’s like really
treading really
lightly because what he
should have said when he
first got in
and people started
bitching is calm the fuck down
i’m cleaning up some other
nigga shit i give me some time yes
but he hasn’t even
done that man
he hasn’t even fucking he hasn’t really
he hadn’t really
stepped on nothing man he’s been walking around real
light like he ain’t
making calls now i mean you know we’re going to
one of the fucking libya i mean like he’s got this
whole new well now honestly i’m
offended i’m
offended that we’re even talking about this
like we’re even pretending we have a fucking clue
oh i can’t vote so
it’s mad speculation i don’t really care
cause i can’t vote so either way and
it don’t matter to me man daryl did some bad things
i know that’s come i wonder why michael
joey diaz is that
let’s talk about shit we know about half of
joey diaz’s act is what
listen i can’t vote motherfucker all
right i got felonies
no you fucked up man i don’t know whether
obama’s real or not
i don’t know what it is but
all this wall street shit
watching inside job and reading all of them
you know matt tybe is
he’s a writer for rolling stone
he writes some independent stuff too but
he writes these brilliant articles for rolling
stone where he sort of like details the
depths of the corruption that’s involved
in the financial institution
and it’s like wait a minute
first of all if this is true
how the fuck is this the only guy talking
about this man
how is this the only guy screaming in the streets
how is matt tyebe the only
bad motherfucker who’s writing
these articles that’s exposing everything i mean
there’s the guys who’ve made that inside job
movie there’s matt
tyebe and then
where the fuck are the politicians
where are all these guys why are they getting paid
it’s money it’s money it’s
about money shortest
example of corruption we’ve ever seen sure it’s
about money and
the whole funny part is
just like you would tell somebody to put
a weed dealer in jail the first
wall street dude
that has to do hard time it’s over with
that they will end
that they will stop doing this shit
though i think you’re crazy no they won’t they’ll start
killing people that’s what they’ll start doing they’ll
start killing people that put people in jail
cops will come up missing dude
these are you talking about
billions of dollars
you’re talking about
money that’s beyond
our comprehension you’re getting to like
where guys are getting fired because their bank failed
and they’re getting hundreds of millions of dollars in
bonuses it’s just it’s okay
now now see y’all are awesome
keeper thinking than i am
when is it that people are
gonna just grab the pitchforks and
start chopping these dudes heads like
as long as they’re comfortable man as long as
there’s enough comfort
where people can
sleep and they can watch
cable and they can get fucking wendy’s
you know you get the double cheeseburger
and as long as that it’s all there for them
people aren’t gonna
freak out when shit gets bad
is when people don’t
have food when people don’t have gas when people then
then riots in the streets happen as long
as they can keep the
infrastructure up and keep
supermarkets
stuffed and keep
a reasonable
amount of jobs available they can just keep
fucking us just notice
the fucking increase lately and
these asshole bums who
drive up with a car like asking you for
spare change at the fucking gas station
you’ve had a guy pull
up in a car asking for chance no they fucking they want
money from you to make
their car go
further they’re begging you at the gas station now
from a car run
a road trip
have you had that no
no not on a road trip just
just especially an imagine it happens
real bad in la no no he’s saying what he’s saying is
that’s a sad story
that’s oh yeah well yeah i’m stranded blah blah blah
right you stranded from home go the fuck back
i’m talking
about just guys who
want money to make
their car go further
that’s insane
that’s it they just
pull up they
pull into a
gas station and they stay there and they take up a pump
and they just want your fucking money
they’re just asking
i’ve never seen this
never seen this once
i don’t know
maybe i live in the
right neighborhood
so you guys are getting
asked at the gas station
all the time this is a regular
where the fuck
do you live man i live
around yeah i live around
franklin like by the by the
capitol records bill
okay so you’re
you’re in the hood you’re i mean in in hollywood
the wood i should say not the hood
he’s in the wood
i didn’t mean the hood
you’re you know you’re
right in the
heart of things
trendy boulevard
yeah trendy
whatever so you get fed up
you know what man you’re
white it’s one of the
things that comes
in a white guy
with that brown
that’s that’s
never happened to me man i don’t have to
worry about the money
not like that dog like they
might hit me
up for like change to fucking get something to
drink but just
drive your car up
to a gas station they ask somebody else with gas no
and they take up the damn pump and they stay there
until they get something
see somebody
would have been slapped by that
some guy hit
me up for money at disneyland really
while i was
carrying my kid yeah i’m in disneyland your impact
comes up to me
and he’s in
disneyland too yeah yeah he’s in disneyland too
he tells you some
story about his parents i
could do get the fuck out of here
that’s crazy
how the fuck did some
young kid he’s like 19 20 years old
and he came up to me
and just with this fucking
stupid story
about his parents and he needs to get them
somewhere and
they’re short
i don’t want to hear
it did he know it
was you i have no idea what he knew
i didn’t want to hear it i was like this is retarded
you know you
need to get a fucking job or shut the fuck up
which one of the
other either
you’re ripping people off because you’re faking
all this story or
you need to get your
shit together and that’s part of life you don’t always
have your shit together from the get go and when you’re
short on money
sometimes you have
to have peanut butter sandwiches or rolled pennies to
make your what’s the time to get
dinner assholes at the gas stations that you guys have
apparently never had to deal with
i don’t know in case anybody else
has who’s listen
it’s like if you can’t afford a fucking car
you know just get a bigger car called a fucking bus
you know people out there on the ground
no it’s just really
it’s just really
weird man like
work for my car too i mean like one of the
things that
i think that i go through and i’ve been
blessed in that
type of concept
is just what you’re saying and that’s personal
responsibility like it’s no
secret i fucked up
earlier in well let’s tell people what what you did
tell you what you did i shot a crackhead
well what’s the story what happened okay
let me tell
let me tell a
story you want a joke you wanna hear the real
story i wanna both give me the joke first
joke it did not ruin it well anyway tell me the real
story then tell me the joke won’t be as good
right you know what
the joke is the real
story what happened was i was selling dope back in dc
and this guy
i had fronted him some
fronted him some dope
actually it was crack
and it was it was a
crackhead and like he was across the
street from me and my boys and we were
drunk on this patio and shit
and he was across the
street and i was like give my money motherfucker
drunk and everybody like haha
and this month in this jackass is
gonna say fuck you i ain’t paying you shit
i think you owe me like ten dollars
so all of my boys were like oh she’s
gonna let that crackhead
talk to you like that and i’m
drunk with with the fucking gun
so i shot across the
street to scare this motherfucker but i hit him don’t
get rest is history
wow how old are you then
i was i see i was twenty five when that
god damn did you realize like after you pull the
trigger we like what the fuck am i doing okay
kill him i just shot his ass you
still didn’t
think like what
the fuck am i doing i just shot a guy didn’t
freak you out
no i was too
drunk how drunk
could you get
no when you how long you selling
crack for how many years
crack like year and
a half but i was selling drugs like all types of drug
like just exclusively
crack like a year and a half what got you into that
i don’t know man i’d like
did you like listen to too many ice
t songs no it had
it had nothing to do with fucking rap
music and nothing it was just like this is the thing
that pisses me off and i
the the culture
that you come from
it’s no well not me i mean not you but me
the culture
tries to dictate that you can’t do nothing but certain
things and be successful now i’m not a dumb
motherfucker as y’all know cause you
cause you’ve heard my comedy stuff like that but
that’s pretty bold of you
but it’s like you know what
when you’re a certain
age you just talked
about shooting a
crackhead and didn’t really bother
you that much
and then you’re like
i’m obviously very intelligent you guys know this i am
well i know that you
gotta fucking
look you gotta look
at yourself i’m pretty
smart cause i only did two years for that shit so
brian and i are the only people that are high
right now i just
wanna let you know
for the folks at home
going there’s two different
frequencies
going on here yeah yeah
yeah i got daryl high once
and i was high for
four fucking days like i’m used to smoking dirt weed
and joe got the good shit him and
ralphie had that good shit
we put them on pluto
dawg i was i
think i was seeing shit
like i was talking to people that was dead
and having a conversation with him just
chilling dawg
jesus christ
dog that’s some superman shit that he
smokes man i’m not used to that shit dawg
i can’t fuck with that
it’s the real weed bro
that’s the real weed that other
stuff is fake that other
stuff is just to get you to find the real weed
it’s like you found it
feels good the
other stuff is like wow this feels kind of good
wow i’m kind of hungry
wow things are so funny i’m giggly he
i was like what is this
this is another kind of weed this weeds called
trainwreck no it was
funny i wasn’t laughing as shit everything was cool
everything was
serious because i was having conversations
that was fucking
you having conversation with people who
weren’t there yeah
while watching
nascar while
watching nascar
i watch nascar sober don’t try that shit
you don’t fuck around nascar is a serious
thing nascar
is that a nascar cap you’re wearing
right now what is it number you better
not ask that question i don’t know come
on don’t feel
bad i don’t know shit
about any sports
dale earnhardt
okay i heard he’s dead
yes that guy’s dead yes and his son
still racist yes his son still hmm
you don’t have a lot of
money in nascar i just thought you like
three it’s a lot of
money in that shit wow
you really didn’t know that this was
dale earnhardt
for real how
the fuck am i supposed to know that a number is some
particular man’s number
how would i know that
that’s a very good question
cause you cause the
ufc doesn’t have numbers on there
no i don’t i don’t
literally i don’t even know the rules to basketball
i don’t know when someone
gets mad at someone i’m like what did someone do
i’m like you wait a
minute you’re mad that he touched you you fucking pussy
what kind of
wack ass sport is this
of fighting mostly i mean like in
every the sport at least i don’t know
about you but i mean like to me it’s like
every the sport is just kind of like a delusion
of you know like i don’t know it’s just a
i like other
sports it’s
watered down fighting and like you’ve talked about
a fight in a game well i’m interested do like do like
do like your
do like your fans know how much you really
fucking follow fighting like just yeah
okay they pretty much know cause it’s like
the thing about sports is
what sports don’t have
what fighting doesn’t have that
sports do have team sports is
the joy of seeing all these people work together
there’s something beautiful
about a basketball game
where one dude makes a call and the
other dude fakes a pass
runs in passes it off
and the other dude hits the three and
everything falls in line like they practiced
it and you’re like look at that man look at that
and everybody gets
crazy and they’ll high five each other
you don’t get that in fighting it doesn’t exist
so there’s something
about teamwork there’s something beautiful about
watching a soccer team
pull off some
crazy pass that they’ve rehearsed
many times and the guy shoots the goal in
there’s something about that
when everybody gets together and hugs and cheers
you don’t quite ever get that in fighting
and fighting it’s very much me it’s individually
i still love the competition of
like i think even in comedy
certain comedians
that competitive nature
drives them more than
others a lot of people eliza
slushinger man
she was talking about how is her number one thing
was that she’s so competitive than
my dog i have no problem with like dog i
i think it makes for
great comedy because you can be friends off stage
but dog when it’s you and that
microphone is
that gets your juices going like
i’ve had so
you get real competitive too you get competitive
with other friends
not competitive
in a negative way like i don’t dog
other people’s comedy
cause i’m not the comedy police
but what i do do
is if you just killed
i’m not dying dog that ain’t
happening because it’s that competition like i’m not
gonna be the one that
brings the show down
you know what i mean that’s
funny yeah i
think i used to think
about it like that
i used to feel like that i used
to feel like well i don’t want everyone to bomb it or
go up there and kick ass but now i don’t think
about it like that at all
now i only always
think about i’m like what’s the best
thing to think
about the best
thing to think
about regardless of the circumstance is the act
is what am i gonna say
where’s my head at what am i talking
about that’s the best thing to
think about
soon as you
start thinking about
weird peripheral shit
like he killed and what if they like him more than me
i wanna make
sure they don’t
that’s not necessarily
the competition that i’m
thinking of but probably because of the fact of this
you know i’m just getting to the
point where
i’m starting to even
people start to even think
about me headlining
once you know that you you are the show it
doesn’t matter no more
you know i’m saying like and just like you you you said
i’m still scrapping out
here you know what i’m saying as far as getting to the
point where i’m headlining
so i gotta kind of
think that a little bit
but once i know that i’m the show it
doesn’t matter whether the opener pulls a
monkey out of his ass it really
doesn’t matter
how long you’ve been doing comedy now
it’ll be nine years this year nine years what
about you lebron
i’d only count three
three years yeah
three years i mean that was just pretty much
that was yeah it was
march oh wait i
started working at the
emperor i was
i was a bouncer i came to this on
total fucking accident
i was a bouncer like red off skid row
in downtown la like for two years like in this little
those bars they got
out there to move the hipsters in and make it safe and
everything and you know just make the area the
i’m not familiar with that what
are they doing oh
jesus all right well
basically they’ve been slowly slowly slowly pushing
skid row in downtown la a little bit further like just
towards the fucking
river if you’ve
never seen this by the way
we filmed fear factor
down there we used to do downtown la shit all the time
nice to drive
up skid row it is yeah it’s some fairfactors that’s
crazy for the
folks that don’t know there’s areas of downtown la
like a fucking george romero zombie movie yes
there’s just
i’m talking
block after block
of just crazed out homeless people who are
sleeping right there on the ground
with shopping carts and
you know one shoe on and tattered and everyone’s
cracked out and that’s why
it illegal after a while go ahead
well they made it illegal
after a while for them to put the tents
up during the day but they were always up at night
you made it illegal you have to take your tent down
there’s another
thunderdome it’s a
whole goddamn thunderdome of just homeless
press shitty politicians
and then we made a law you’ve got
to take those tents down during the day
unsettling and i was just working out
there as a bouncer for a while and it got depressing
after a fucking bit so i was looking for a positive
environment to go to to offer my services so i went to
it was actually
comic steve
simone he t told me hey go try at the
comedy club
go be a security guy there
at the improv yeah
into the improv
and then he
started going on stage
yeah well really
cause yeah i just got a little bit pissed
cause i was
stuck in the showroom
watching at
first i was so stoked
cause i was working around you know all this
laughter and
everything like that and then i go into the
showroom and i had to be making sure that everybody was
behaving during a show and so many of
these comics just
such a much
heartless hokey
crap and you can tell they just look into
they’re not up there
for the audience they’re not up there to make people
laugh they’re up there to get
their fucking little you know sitcom career
going and all that
and i got pissed and it was
anger that drove me
towards the
stage so you went up because of bad comedy
yeah that’s interesting it made me mad
and then i had to
daryl met me from that
he’s actually
weird because
yeah yeah you’re hilarious
saying you’ve calmed the fuck down do you know how
wired you are yeah fucking
homeless people want to fucking fucking want my fucking
money fuck you man you can’t have my fucking money
you know i saw
these fucking
comics they’re all
heartless and
daryl knows i’ve calmed down
daryl knows you’ve calmed
down and daryl also knows that everybody knows he’s
smart this is a strange
group we got
here i know
i am smart that’s our little duo act
call me smart
we need to get a new farrelly brothers
scripter on youtube fucks
no but it’s like
i actually do
some comedy shows like
three times a year
down there it’s a big ass homeless shelter
down there and i and i’ll do comedy shows there like
three times
a year really i’m telling you man it’s fucking
it’s a zoo man but do it
it is a zoo it’s a
human zoo but doing comedy in there is fun
as shit yeah
really just imagine
i can’t imagine
that’s people who have made gigantic mistakes
almost every step of the way has been a mistake
well yeah that’s almost and that’s a lot of
human beings man there’s a
point where they don’t consider themselves
human anymore yeah
well they’re not anymore i mean
at the end of the day i had to
shoot them away for
a long time it’s just like shit
being human
is just like some program that you run over the animal
system that
that runs the body
you know being
human it’s just
that’s so fucking fragile so when
do you think that the
so when do you
think that the
humanity leaves as
soon as shit gets ugly
as soon as the
power goes out as soon as there’s no food soon as your
baby’s crying as soon as this guy’s got it you don’t
soon as soon
as shit gets ugly man look at new orleans man
new orleans look we saw how ugly that
got there was so many murders in new orleans during the
katrina they didn’t even they can’t even
i don’t even know what to do
niggas was murdering people
in new orleans when the
lights was on they
were but it got
worse it got way way way way
way worse it got
worse it got
worse with the cops too the cops went
off zombie vigilanteism
there were cops who were driving around in pickup
trucks picking people off with guns
there’s a lot of
crazy shit went
down in new orleans man a lot of people were killed
you know and that’s just
look yeah new orleans is bad as
it is but so is la man look what happened with ronnie
king with the ronnie king verdict you
know people
forget about
how crazy it got down here that’s
the place i’m
in the country that different
riots in different cities but this is
hold on you guys can’t talk at the same time
i’m not gonna kill
in my hands
this is the
whole theory oh
thank you this is the
whole theory with that though
that shit went crazy
until it got to about beverly
and then that’s when they were like y’all
niggas got to go back to
where y’all came from y’all can
y’all can burn is that true
y’all can burn down
inglewood and you can burn down compton
but once it got to like beverly
ish that’s when the national
guard was like
y’all ain’t coming up here is that what happened
yeah i was here
during la right so i was living here
i was living
in palace verdes at the time i was
13 years old
and i can say that
here’s pal’s verdes
out by it’s
basically like
south bay area it’s the peninsula where
so where is it in relationship to
like to the
ghetto i mean like
basically it’s
yeah those are
you pals verdes means technically it’s technically it’s
about ten minutes away from ten minutes away so you’re
close so you got to be nervous
i mean like really this is
a freeway so it’s not like they’re
gonna march down the freeway they
know exactly they scared people you know
it gets ugly
but i remember i mean like i think it
could be kind of like a physical
barrier that’s more than just cops when it comes to
these i mean la is kind of like this
it’s like this big circle
and on the inside of the circle is like this is the
pit of shit and all that and on the outside like you’re
kinda safe like the
beach and then the hills and
everything like that
and it’s like this physical barrier
that’s an illusion that’s only for
level one situations what are
you talking about
level two and
three situations
everything’s off
limits there’s
chaos in the streets
the cops abandon
their positions
no but we were talking oh
yeah robert
just stop when like when
you come to a hill like this you stop because you’re
thinking if i get caught up here i’m fucking
i’m not getting out of that
right but listen to what i’m saying this is only
level one stuff you’re talking
about no chaos you’re talking
about no loss of
civility you’re talking about
it’s basically
society’s running and it’s just a few fuck ups that are
going crazy
well when the
shit hits the fan if the shit ever hits the fan
it’s not gonna be like that it’s not
gonna be like that it’s not
gonna be civility
no of course not i mean
cause like just being in jail like
doug it’s a
whole another
world and it’s like
i think a lot of times that i’m
still kind of institutionalized with like
just little shit like i can’t
sleep in my
house without a door or like a window open like
a patio door why
i don’t know it’s just something that you know
so someone can
sneak in your
house in the middle of the
night if they wanted to
are you telling
people you don’t want people to come in and kiss you
come on in so
guess what your ass ain’t leaving but come on in
you can leave i mean come in
but you ain’t leaving you’re
scared of kisses
oh fuck that
well yours yeah i don’t
understand what this is this a freedom
thing yeah it’s like it’s like
it’s like being able to know even subconsciously
that i’m not
trapped yeah wow that’s
like yeah how many years were in jail for two two yeah
damn and it’s like
even with what you were saying like i hate
when people use the term
subtle to anything it’s like
it’s just terminology
nowadays is just pissing me off because it’s like
dog i’m a firm
believer that it ain’t no such
thing as racism
no more and i know it
are you talking
about i’m raising
that’s the most
ridiculous shit ever
those nascar
motherfuckers got you
brainwashed
there’s racism
everywhere there’s sexism and racism and
black people hate
light brown people it’s not
it’s not that
is some shit that people make up so that they can make
money off of that shit oh my god
jesse jackson has a w
man no i’m not you two
need we need to pause this
thing that you both both you need to get high
this is ridiculous no no
because listen joe joe listen to this though listen
to my theory okay
my theory is this
when you give yourself
an excuse to fail
then you have that excuse whereas
there was a time that my race could stop me from
accomplishing certain things
those days are over with now
so as far as the racism as we
think it is i don’t think it’s that anymore the race
my race can’t stop me from doing anything that i
wanna do it’s certainly less intense
but it doesn’t just
because it can’t stop you from accomplishing your goals
doesn’t mean it’s not there
no matter what you do it is
human nature it is a genetic
imperative that we judge
we look at genetics we look at the shape of a
woman’s body
your body tells you this is sexually
attractive because this is a
woman’s gonna have good
babies it’s
our entire society is set up
you look at
people that are bigger than you you become intimidated
it’s natural that person
can dominate you physically all this shit is in place
you look at people that aren’t you they’re
black and i’m white
maybe they’ll side with themselves and
maybe they’re on
their own team and i
should be afraid
of them because this is a different team
it’s almost
completely natural
now as an intelligent person
you’re supposed to be able to recognize this is just a
human being that was born chinese and this is a
human being
that was born african and it’s all just some
crazy lottery we’re all in this together and you should
judge people in
their actions that is
that’s the intelligent
evolved approach but
how many fucking people are intelligent and evolved
it is natural that
racism is gonna
exist it’s gonna
exist just like
being stupid is always
gonna exist
it is it is what it’s a
human instinct well
maybe well i
could be racist
right now if i wanted to
you could be yeah if i wanted to if i’m not going to
but that could
exist in this room
it could exist that’s
insanity easily
but to me it’s
still insanity
you’re saying two totally different
things and on one hand i totally
agree with you
that you can accomplish anything you want to do and
oftentimes you put limitations on yourself saying
you know hey as a
black man i’m
never gonna get
past this hey as a guy was born up here
i’m never gonna be
on television i’m never
gonna do that you can impose those limitations on you
and those are
self fulfilling
prophecies man you can really decide your life is
gonna be a shitty
life you’re
absolutely correct
about that no one can stop you from doing what you
wanna do but they will try
don’t think they won’t
don’t say things don’t
think racism is
i didn’t know it’s not fair but you can’t say
racism isn’t real
it fuck yeah it’s real
but it doesn’t mean that it has to stop you
and it doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it but
it means that slowly we’re moving away from the animal
but how long have we been
a human i mean when you go back
at what point in time does it stop being a
human is it
australia pithicus i
mean what the fuck
which monkey is it
where you say that’s not a
human anymore
so everything from that
is trying to get away from being an animal
the animals
still here though
it takes some time
to get all that shit out of your
system well
you also have to be i
think forward thinking
in that type of concept because
you know what for instance
i’ll give you a great
example of this you know what i’m saying
um just the fact and this is
gonna sound weird
just the fact that i’m on this podcast
for instance
it’s it’s plenty
of of comics
that i respect and i love
but they would not let me into their home
so what is that
you know i’m saying is that
racism or is that
would you say that though like you
like every time we’ve hung out you like man i’m so
happy hanging out with me and what the fuck you talking
about we’re all hanging out together
but you said that to me when i’ve gotten you on
stage before yeah you said you know this
guy but i don’t but
i don’t we get we all go on
stage but know what
you putting that shit on yourself no but you don’t
understand the
stages that i normally get on
i do though because i seen you at the improv
you get at the improv bro
it’s not like you only
get on stage
these shitty
places but i was saying that to say this
it’s not a matter of
what race i am
as far as that’s concerned is just the comfort
level you know i’m saying and
where you were saying that people see
stuff a certain way
i think that i programmed myself to
put racism out of the
picture and just handle myself a certain
way i understand
that i can’t i
understand that done that with your mind right
understanding that you’re doing that so so
so maybe me making that blanket
statement was a little bit too much
but in my mind i can’t see
racism as an option for me
to blame something or something exterior
for me not doing
what i guarantee you we can have an awesome tv show
where take you and put you in a fucking bow tie and
bring you around
white neighborhoods in the
south and you will
see some fucking
racism like you
wouldn’t believe
what you’re saying
i mean i’ve like been to the
south man i know you have
i’ve been to the
south i love the
south because
what i’m saying you by yourself with a clipboard
going through
white neighborhoods my
whole theory
now see now
write down every time someone calls you a nigger hmm
i need more paper
shit i’m out of paper bro you need a fucking phone book
we’re not i
wouldn’t say
racism dead either i
think that’s always a bold
statement he’s
making but i mean like honestly like we’re at a
point now where it’s like
like all right when when
when people
wiggers for instance okay wiggers
people say all
right we’re
very dangerous word to sweater
they wish they were
black they were
still bad saying we’re
gonna i feel when i say we’re
gonna somebody i feel
like i kind of sort of said nigger
well yeah but
you pull that
motherfucking trigger
wiggers don’t want to be
black though
no you gotta remember
i’m trying to tell you i’m like
weird aren’t anymore just trying to be
black people like this
like an old person you’re taking this way too seriously
this motherfucker ain’t
laughing with us he’s got his wigger
point that he wants to get
through i want
to make my let
him make your
wigger point god
damn is it more
powerful when i say fuck
fucking wigger too i know
but no all right
they don’t want to be black
they’re wiggers all
right they’re not we’re not talking
about they want to be african americans they want to be
their wiggers
you know i mean like they’re not looking to take
obama’s place one day
right trying to be
these thug ass retards
like the lowest of what you know the
black race could possibly have to offer
and i mean like
basically this is just something
that is again generalized
in the old school thought
whereas nowadays we can say no
any block are
you talking
about man you’re talking
some nonsense bro
you’re just talking jazz right now
for those of y’all that hoe fucking joe
like go ahead let him make his
point so i can get higher
yeah i’m firing up
right now talking nonsense son it was like go
ahead and talk
cause i’m getting listen it’s very
important to
get called on nonsense talk because you can go your
whole life talking nonsense
and get away with that shit i’m
starting to have
heart palpitations
right now about what
about this show now
from what from being so high right now
really see tofu no
coffee but i
could always get hired joe i had the most
crazy thing happened to me last
night i found out
about a whole new sex
fetish that i had no idea existed
and it’s the most disturbing fucking
thing in the world it’s
for kids when you’re a kid and your mom yells at you
and you liked it
you know when your mom used to yell at
you you hated it but there’s people out there that when
their mom yelled at them
they loved it and so when they grew up
they like these
things called gigantic
women and so
the old sci fi videos of
the attack of the sci fi
are crumb type
women yeah or
the attack of the
50 foot women and
stuff like that
so there’s now fetish websites
where it’s like little gi joe characters
and naked girls
and it’s fucking so
creepy the lifestyle that there is
so this the fetish is
women with daughters
dolls women
with small dolls that they kind of tend
that it’s a person yeah
and like they’re like
command them to do
things they lock them up in cages
and they have full on
movies wait a minute the
women command the dolls to do things
or they’re yelling
at the dolls like you know kind of like as a mom
like i was talking
to one of the girls that was in one of
these movies
and they’re like yeah it’s really
weird because like you’re yelling at
these dolls and then like one would
knock over and then you have to kind of set it back up
while you’re in scene
and stuff like that so
i went to this website and this is a beautiful website
at first i was
shocked but now i
think i love this shit and i
think it’s the coolest shit ever
it’s called giantus
net g i n t
g i n or g i
a n g i a n
t e s s dot net
giant giant
test and they have forms they have chat rooms they have
everything like that but the
crazy thing is that they sell clips
of like like girls oh
what the fuck girls
hold on small
look at this shit
joe just look at this
what the fuck
dolls with little
penises that they’re
sucking on the dolls yeah and there’s like parts
where like they’re putting dolls in them and each other
still yelling at the dog
when they put them in each other
but why is it dolls
i don’t get it
it’s because it’s
the little man
but it’s a little gi
joe doll yeah they pretend that that’s
them or something people yeah people sit there okay
you know what
it’s a little
green doll and it
doesn’t even look human it’s
stupid looking
thing it’s got a big flat bottom
where it has to
stand up you know like it’s surfing
you know that always bubbed me out
about those dolls like you people
you can’t even make a doll
with army men
right you can’t even make one that
stands on its own you have to have a surfboard
under it everywhere that’s creepy
you can’t even pretend that’s crazy
my favorite shit’s the
emily parker once if you look at
search that website for the
emily parker it’s also on sizefedishzone com
and you’ll just become addicted to this shit
well i’m looking at the forums right now
man look at
this i’m afraid of scientists and
small men oh my god this forum is
stuffed yeah and it’s just so strange
it’s all these girls and they’re sucking
these the dicks of
these little tiny men
yeah like little
dicks that they put on them
this is so strange
dog this is awesome and it’s super
popular and it’s
weird like when you see
these sci fi
movies with
you know attack the 50 foot woman
most guys just go
wow that’s kind of
cool a big woman
but there’s people addicted
to that shit like that’s what that gets them off wow
so i spent all night
watching shit
there’s a lot
of people with a lot of time
on their fucking hands
though is it a time
thing man or
that’s a time
thing developing a
human being
from child to
adult is very very complicated and
all sorts of
things are set up in place
to make sure that you become a
successful person or to encourage you
and when those
things get hijacked
and weird shit happens like
abuse you know
weird little
little fucking fetishes develop in the mind
look at this this
is a trailer if you go on youtube and type in
giants trailer 2009
this is kind of give you a sample
where it shows a really oh my
god woman and
little people
what the and it’s
and she’s standing around in the middle of the
street oh my gosh
she crushed
the man she just
crushed him
yeah and look at this it’s
just giant women and
small men whoa
and there’s
small women
in their underwear
and women are
stomping on them and they’re
swallowing them and
stuffing them in
their pussies yeah
and this only came from
their moms yelling at them
that’s what supposedly
like the people that are into this thing it
has a mom look how
small these ones are yeah
that’s a big bitch
this goes to show it’s how you build man
you can put
any kid through anything i
guess it’s just how you
built that is
insane okay you
know what that’s amazing that’s insane
that’s fucking
and i’m addicted to
it now i now have that fetish and it’s not for a boner
totally see
where that’s going i
could totally see
where that’s
going i don’t get that
that’s strange yeah
i’ve always thought
about that because
the indian in the cupboard
i was always
thinking like wow
this is a book for kids
about a naked
half dressed man
that is put
he kept them in his pocket
and his name is like
bear or something like that
and there was something
weird and sexual
about that naked indian guy and your kid
if your kid if
your kid came up to you and had a
naked indian
man in your pocket you’d be fucking pissed was he a
naked one or was he one of
those indians with all the feathers and shit yeah
well no he had i
think he just had like that little you know
loincloth a little
loincloth with a little feather
bowl hanging out on one side
little naked man hiding in your fucking
plates and the kid was like
never tell your parents
about our secret
huh that’s like fucking yeah
it’s a fucking
indian in the cupboard
man they don’t make
sex stories like that
ever was there a movie
but in a movie
who was in that movie uh
somebody romantic no no
uh fucking let
a girl down
no no was in it
the guy from the
oh my god but let’s just find out the wedding
the guy from the
what’s the movie with
hugh grant no the guy
from the movie
where they keep
going to weddings and fucking bitches
oh wedding crashers yeah the wedding
crashers the one guy from the wedding
crashers went in it cause
he played the cowboys it’s
a movie from 1995
i think he played a cowboy in that how scardino
lightfoot and lindsey
crow are listed as the actors
so i don’t know who
oh no he was in
no he was in the
smithsonian movie
never mind okay
telling you we’re
gonna have a new rule
no more sober people
when they come over here they don’t smoke
okay look here’s here’s what the deal was all
right let’s be let’s be perfectly
i am a drinker you’re
about to say perfectly
blunt but you don’t
even say that word do you no you say i
am a drinker
but i wasn’t
gonna come to joe’s
house fucked up listen so obviously
you bitches need
to get on some comedy steroids that’s what’s going on
need to get on this weed
stop playing around
playing games
you playing games with your future
you’re risking
you’re risking your future talking nonsense yeah
who i’m not talking
about you can you
can save you from this
we can save you from this
no i’m still
tripping out
who the fuck pedophilia is important
what that is whatever that is we need to find out
about that we need to investigate who
the fuck has time for that shit man i know
it’s not a time
thing man it’s like that’s what they like best
if they had all the time in the world they
would do that if they had an hour a day they would
do that how do you find out that you like that shit
that’s a good question your mom yells at you
no it’s more than your mom yells at
you your mom
spanked you and then
she felt bad about it so she jerked you off
you know i’m
saying it’s like something like that has to happen
early on deeper
than that man
shit whereas though
you have to discover that you like that
shit man yeah you have to discover that and then the
crazy thing
about the internet is
if you like something
there’s gotta be a website out there
where there’s
a gang of other people that love it too
you know it’s not like the old
days that’s the
scary thing
before you mentioned it joe um zoo
yeah oh my god
that’s crazy
yeah cause they were talking
about how like they thought they were
alone and then the internet came out and then there are
other people who fuck
horses too and it’s okay
and you know i can be part of a club now i mean just
yeah zoo is one of the weirdest
documentaries ever and
it’s weird how
they did it too because it was like a reenactment
they didn’t really have footage
so they had a reenactment and
everything i thought they were just cutting away real
quick the editing
was in the reenactment
of fucking up no
they had like the actual
video of the dude getting fucked to
death by the
horse and then like the
noises were fucking disturbing i mean you sure you
could imagine that much but i mean
i admit it i got rock hard that
did you get hard
which part what part got you hard during a fucking
other horse
all right the guy died
hit that shit kid stop playing around
some motherfuckers want
to stay sober
kind of shit is this
get some of that daryl stop
daryl stop playing around
around everybody fucking around daryl
daryl just have a little
it’s better for you i’m telling you
you’ll see the
world in a better
light i see it
don’t be scared of weed bro
it’s on it’s not real
i took a little
pussy it’s like nick
diaz says don’t be scared homie
the reason i quit the wait
joe i mean really it’s not because you know it’s a fear
thing or anything like that i just the last time i
think it was
it was my old boxing
train and he was leaving
the gym and i was like okay you know he wanted to
smoke so i was like it’s like a little bonding
session that we have and so we smoked out and then
after we’re done smoking out i mean he’s a
stoner and i forget he’s totally
used to it so he’s like alright get out of my truck
and i’m like you can leave me
alone i’m just high as shit
i end up going home eating all my food and i
watched america’s got
talent for an hour and a half
and then i woke up
going that was the most useless
fucking night of my life
i mean i just that
sounds like a good day
depending on who the
contestants
are in america
i should have gone and
tried to do something
so that that ruined you this one time was smoking weed
she said that i know i’d stopped years before
but then i went back and i was like well that was dumb
i was just like for real it’s not for everybody
but a lot of people they give it up too quick
no i think know what
i was just telling him this before we went on
i’m like someday
i probably will go back to smoking weed
cause i don’t find nothing
wrong with it it’s just at the time
where i’m at right now
i’m on ground
mode so it’s like dog i don’t have time to
just be high you know what i’m saying so it’s well
depends on what
you’re trying to do you know some people are
trying to get high because i just want to get fucked
up not i just want to kick back and they just wanna
just chill out and get fucked up and just sort of
skate their life away and just like
but weed makes me more ambitious
i mean i don’t know
about you but weed makes me like realize like damn i
gotta get some shit done i would
be scared to be more ambitious than
have you real ambitious yeah
it’s like but
not in a hollywood type of way just
like a life type of way
it’s so much
stuff that i’m
using comedy
for in my life you know what i mean
more than just like
tv or some shit like that
it’s just you
know i look at comedy sometimes as penance
i look at it as penance
oh yeah what
do you mean i’ve done some evil shit though so you
think comedy
is somehow or another
your punishment for doing this evil shit
no like penance as far as
payback for the evil shit that i’ve done making people
yeah laugh is like okay penis
or like is that the right word
penis not quite
maybe i see what you’re saying though
it’s okay whatever
the word is i know exactly what you’re saying yes
i guess i guess you
guess you were
right about me
guess you were right
about me saying that i was
smart because i’m
using wrong fucking words
well you’re not a dumb
guy man you know
immacculation proclamation
you said that in a
black voice you racist
fuck no but it’s like what’s
wrong with you brian
like um like
like for instance um
i was lucky enough
to get with
the managers that i got you already know who they
are but it’s no i don’t who’s your manager oh you see
um i don’t pay attention to shit
oh no anyways
i’m managed by
george college manager man
jerry hamza
okay wow yeah
and i like got with them that’s pretty huge
yeah and it’s like dog
so as far as me being
what kind of advice they give you dog
it sucks for me stop being so
black try to grow to that ponytail out there
can you lighten your skin and
no it’s can you
do a clean set
no it’s actually just the opposite really go
black her no
get a tan no
nigger it up a little dog
i’ve actually had people tell me that right
now dog what
they tell you
i’ve had a dude tell me right
there was a manager that told me
cause i do shit
based on the
news and shit and he was like you know what
you really should stop reading the newspaper cause
black people don’t read newspapers
and i’m like what
well who told you this
dog it’s a fucking
agent that told me
i’ve heard some of the
worst advice ever from
agents and managers
here’s my favorite that
kevin james old manager said kevin
when you lose weight you’re losing rules
he told him
to not lose weight because if you lose weight you’re
gonna lose parts you won’t be able to go out for rolls
that’s insane
you won’t be the fat guy
fuck being healthy no
you’re not capable of doing it on your own
you’re here and
you’re gonna get
lucky exactly
we’re not gonna find some special
talent in you he also said that he would
never be the lead in anything
gonna understand just because of your body type they’ll
never be the lead
meanwhile the fuck man
dudes like can’t
clean for seven years is in
movies that make
hundreds of millions i just shut the fuck up
it’s always bad advice
it’s always the
motherfuckers that can’t do it
that tell you what you can’t do well they
make see there’s the reason being is they make
money from you
and they want to figure out what is the
way they can make the most
money from you what is the way you’re
going to be the most
successful and they
think that they can kind of mold you and
get you to become something that you’re not and that
thing will be more successful
but they don’t
understand you’ll
never achieve
greatness that way not that we ever will
but you know
i mean you never hit the zone instead of achieve
greatness it
sounds very
grandiose and
i never think
about myself that way honestly
but i do think of hitting the zone and i
think you can’t hit the zone
if you’re trying to pretend to be something that
you’re not or you’re putting on some sort of an act
i think you hit the zone when you have like the purest
expression of of your thoughts on
stage in an
entertaining form
it’s it’s your
your real thoughts it’s not
like because you
did to try to
get someone to like you more you know you’re not
dressed i’ve done that before
dressed a way to get people to
like more like cause
you cause you
cause you touch people
more of an authentic type of way if it’s you
yes you know i’m saying like you sure but you
honestly it’s the only way you touch them
the only way you really touch them
yeah like and i’m
and just the opposite with my manager is he has so much
money from carlin
right that he’s not
really in a
hurry to make money
which sucks for me
but in a career it sucks for you what do you mean well
cause he doesn’t
like this is
probably listening
right now just
going around well this
is one of his favorite
sayings because i was like you know it was some
stuff happening
and it was some
stuff that i wanted to try out for
and he was like doc
that’s not good for your
career in the long haul and i’m like well i need the
money and he’s like will you stop
thinking like a
broke ass nigga
and think like a he
said that to you
broke ass nigger
yes whoa cause
your wife got it
wow maybe he just took you on just so he
could use those words
you know what
i’m doing it’s his fetish it’s his
giant woman
giant woman
no cause it’s like no and
he’s right okay
what was it that he told you not to do
i wanted to try out to try to do def jam
on like comedy jam yeah
unlike comedy central and he was like no you aren’t
gonna do that shit you aren’t
yeah he’s like you aren’t
gonna dumb down your your comedy to be on this bullshit
here’s here’s the
deal dude you don’t have to dumb it down you just have
to do your best shit just do do some shit this tight
some shit that’s
funny and tight you don’t
he’s that’s
silly but what but what
wound up happening is
i wound up getting
this special on showtime it
instead that’s uncensored
that’s basically me doing a spot that’s me
it’s everything that i do
which is what is that for what is
going on oh it’s on next saturday april 23rd
on showtime
it’s actually with john lovett
okay is it a jump what is the it’s john
leverage it’s john
leverage presents
okay and it’s a
bunch of comics
yeah it’s me quindale and ian back
okay nice yeah it’s
gonna be fun
man and it’s like uncensored is all of us doing 15
with john each and shit and um
but here’s the
thing about def
jam just to
counter your
managers what he said
dave chappelle did def jam
okay yeah but that
wasn’t me that
was when it was necessary though joe you did
right didn’t everybody do def
jam that was
when it was
that martin
lawrence to def
jam those guys
that was when it was necessary
yeah but bro
it doesn’t matter if it’s necessary
unnecessary it matters is there a
stage is there a
microphone do
you want to do it do you want to do it then go do it
really yeah you’re just doing
stand up man
who gives a fuck if it’s on def
jam it’s you
when they say
ladies and gentlemen
dale wright
and you take that
microphone it
doesn’t fucking matter if it’s on def
jam or if it’s on anything it’s just you
you with a microphone on a
stage and a
camera on you chappelle’s done it a few times even did
the poetry jam he’s done like multiple the poetry jam
yeah that was some
ridiculous shit
if you want to write all that
slop you better give me some fucking laughs in there
i am a strong
woman grow up in the projects by the time i was six
strong like
by the time i was
eight iron instead
i am what i am rise from the fire flames in
inside of me wanting to
burst out not wanting to accept my lower clap
i just made that shit up
and i can you can go up there and you can write
those they’re easy and they’re stupid and
stop it why is it
shut up why is it always the light skin
why is it always the
light skin black people that write the fucking
as their confusers the
white mom and the black dad and the
white mom is really into yoga and tofu what
the fuck do you matter
about man black dad didn’t want to
stick around there’s a lot of issues
she can’t really
quite rock bred dreadlocks she tries but
to get up there with that nose ring and spit out that
fucking poetry jam that’s not poetry that’s bullshit so
this i should clarify
i’m bullshitting mostly i’m just playing around cause
i went to a poetry jam
breeding once in venice
and it was kind of interesting
there was a few people that were legit
it’s like they had
some legit thoughts you know it’s like
most poetry you say well what is it it’s
horseshit it’s a bunch of
self indulgent
wishy washy nonsense
but then you read like bukowski
like bukowski had some poetry that you’re like whoa
like he had a
great fucking
story about
taking a shit having a beer
shit and his wallet falling into the shit and it was
really fucking
funny but it was
basically poetry
i mean it was poetry in
these little
short stories did you ever
write poetry to like
women or ex
girlfriends or anything like that
cause i would die
i would pay
money to read one of your fucking phones
probably so weak
i must have
i can’t remember specific i know i left some weak ass
voicemails all right oh
well you were your kid
first of all
you get dumped and you don’t want to accept it and you
want to figure out there’s got to be a way to get this
chick back and so you start
trying to pretend
and trying to like
manipulate the
you know the situation and pretend you have feelings
other than the ones you do
it’s not even that you want some
pussy i think
it’s like your
self esteem
doesn’t want to accept that this person
doesn’t like you anymore so you just
start pretending to be someone who you’re not
it’s natural you know
to be at one
point in time
it becomes a game it’s like you know when you
teach a chimp
and if he puts
a bunch of little pegs in
order then a
piece of fruit comes out
well that chimp’s
gonna figure that’s his reward
thing you know and
for a dude like you
start getting
pussy and you
start getting love
and then all of a
sudden this person
breaks up and you’re like damn
what little buttons do i have to press
get my apple back
you know it’s
like song once for a
chick i don’t play any fucking interest yeah
a fucking song i don’t know because it was so unlike me
like non tough do you talk
about it on stage
oh god i have to
start because i mean you should
i never had to sing it i
swear to god i
could have sworn at the time
i was thinking like well if
if she sees this come out of me
i’ll just sing
it to her without any fucking instruments
or anything
like that oh my god
i cannot remember that and
i’m so fucking thankful i
never got around to singing that song i cannot
remember whether
i ever is there
any one thing
in life that’s more embarrassing
than a song
that you sing to a chick
that tells you that song sucks
you’re a loser
you write a song
and you go listen if you don’t talk to me
after today for
the rest of your life i just want you to know that i
wrote this for you just sit down
please listen to this
and then at the end
she’s like that was
fucking terrible i am so glad i dumped you you are sad
you pathetic fuck
you made a shitty song
for me joe you want some like
you want some like man shit
now this is i’m on some man shit
you want some
i’m gonna put that on my wikipedia somebody
i know look i
by the way i’ve
never edited my wikipedia i don’t
touch it i never even read it i don’t correct bad
things so if you want to just make some shit up
if you want to put
please feel free
but i want that on there use it
joe i’m on some
man shit i’m on some man shit okay now
this is my only request
jonah you don’t have to
write any credits that i don’t really have make a
t shirt that says
i’m on some
man i don’t have crohn’s disease either so please stop
emailing me oh
yes fellow crohn’s sufferers
i appreciate your illness but i just
i feel bad that all
these people
think that i have it
why would they
think you have chromes man
wikipedia they just make shit up
wikipedia it also says
brian callan’s my brother you know
i don’t change it he’s my brother
as far as i’m concerned i’ve had like ten
wikipedia’s
and they automatically
just get deleted
because it’s the most retarded shit like
there’s not even one sentence that was ever real
and it’s worse the absolute
worst is when you know a dude
wrote his own wikipedia
is there anything
creepier in life than reading some dude’s thing like
you know an
honored and cherished
member of the comedy community
he has been like
fuck yeah they do
fuck yeah they
do yeah i’ve read
sportscasters that i’ve known
like fight commentators that i know they
wrote their own shit
i’ve read it for comedians
where i know they
wrote their own shit you read it and you’re like
what the fuck is this nonsense
the breath of
fresh air in a stagnant
comedy community what okay
like what a
fucking hat
dude what are
you talking
about what am i doing
wrong where i
would never
do no shit like no no no what are you doing right
that’s insane
that’s insane
listen man you gotta
spend as little time as possible
like projecting who you want people to
think you are
do that shit through your work
if you’ve got somebody that wants to
write a bio for you or
if you write a bio of your own it better be silly
you better not be
blowing yourself
up i know my
third time on
stage i let the presenter know
this was gonna be
the next big star of comedy
i held myself up to that
standard i’ve had it ever
since that would be hilarious
that’s actually
that’s actually what i’m
going through
right now is like
this management team they want me to
help write a bio and i’m like what the fuck
am i supposed to say man well you know i mean look you
should help
write it because it’s your i gave
him some info
but it’s like
what am i supposed to say i don’t know what i
just be funny
man just be funny
about it just well look if you’re
gonna write a bio man this is what i say if you’re come
i know i didn’t
write my bio my bio is written by
someone else and it’s embarrassing and i don’t i like
it taekwondo
stuff in there and i was shit that i
would never put in there if
i was gonna rewrite my bio i would
definitely have to make it funny
you have to make it
silly as silly as possible
make up some shit make up some shit
about unicorn
wrestling you know
whatever the fuck you’re
gonna do but
when you read someone’s like really self
congratulatory
bios and how they really view themselves like
it’s disgusting
you can’t even enjoy them on stage because you
think all this guy’s doing is just wants you to
think he’s jacking himself off yeah like i can’t
jacking himself off
one of the most unpleasant
things is someone who takes himself
way too seriously
that’s that’s insane
up there you know trying to make you laugh and
like there everything’s a joke except them
how about comics that try shit out on you
hey man how about this bit
i’m thinking about doing this on stage hey folks
have you ever noticed
that when you you know like in the
trying it on you you know what
what what what i suffer from is
i hate when you’re off stage
and you can tell it’s coming
you know what i’m saying
it’s like this isn’t a conversation this is a setup
like you got your setup yeah
he’s faking a conversation yeah and then here’s a just
to get to his joke exactly and you’re like
motherfucker you practicing materials on me
yeah at least if like you’re a
comic and you
say hey dude i got a problem with this bit tell me
exactly i don’t know
how to get out of this bit
you know i mean we all have bits
right don’t you have a bit i mean i’ve had a few bits
where i’m like damn how do i get out of this
motherfucker
i got all these
laughs but how
do i get out of this there’s no way to get out of it
it’s like segue
where is it it just ends on a cliff
well and then you
get sometimes you
that’s good like
see that’s why that’s why i really don’t hang out
as much like you see me
at comedy clubs but i really don’t hang out with like a
whole bunch of comics
because it’s like i like real conversations like i like
going to bars and
just hanging out and
stuff like that just talking to people
you can have real
conversations with
comics it’s just not on
you gotta find the
right comics well see
this is what happened to me like when i
moved out to los angeles
you and some
other comics and guys
were lucky because you have
comics in your
class per se
it’s like dudes that you came up through the
rights with
well i moved out to la and i was in a
weird circumstance because
i was like kind of by myself moving out here by myself
i really didn’t fit in
on open mic circuit
but i wasn’t a headliner so i was
right in the middle
because i had
spent so much time in new york
kind of getting seasoned
so i wasn’t
quite open micro
as far as my
skill but as far
as my notoriety
but i wasn’t a headliner because
i didn’t have that type of pull so i was really
stuck in the middle of some shit and then you have
classes of comics that all
grow up together so i really can’t bounce shit off of
i know what you’re saying you know it’s hard
if you don’t have someone
that’s with you in that same like that’s the one
thing that’s the one
thing that i wish that i had come to la
earlier or maybe later
not when i did is because if i had come
earlier i would have that
group of people
you know i say you have that
group that you
should never
think like that
you came at the
exact right time for you
you can’t ever
think like that
there’s self
defeating thoughts like that don’t get you anywhere
like man if i had just come
it’s good to be around a
group of people but
it’s also good to be around some people that are way
ahead of you
and you’re forced
you’re forced to pick up the pace
and accelerate to
their frequency that’s been
lucky i’ve been
lucky as hell on that
level because and that goes back to the competition
aspect of me is like um
just as far as man working with you
i’ve done shows with bill bird just thought just well
fucking fire as
comics and it’s like dog it’s just
these dudes
are so tight that it’s just like it makes you
look at your own shit
and say i got to tighten this shit up yeah that’s what
that’s what i’m supposed to be
doing not the jokes but that’s how it’s supposed to be
and this is what i’m doing so i’m doing something wrong
you know i mean right
right i know what you mean it’s like that type of shit
yeah that’s one of the best things
about being around
high level comedians like in la
like you get to see like real high
level stuff
and be inspired by it
and it makes your own like you recognize what you like
about that you know like what is it oh man
he’s got like very little time in between his punchline
it hits you hard with it
and then like
oh you know you see that you’re like what am i
enjoying and how come i’m not
my pace i need to pick my pace up i need to do this
maybe i have too many words in
these jokes
maybe you know
maybe it’s a
you know so that
it’s fine and then
the whole one
thing that really trips me out
about you is and i’ll tell him that dog is so cool
to know joe
because the
funny part is he
doesn’t have to be funny
but he works at being
funny like like
like looking at all
these stars doing comedy nowadays like you you
could go out just as the ufc do
and make money
i mean that’s not you but you
could do that but like
for you to even bother
to work at this
craft and and actually be
funny and work at it dog that says something
about your personality dog
cause you really don’t
gotta do it
well sort of but i do because
it’s what makes me better at
everything i do
it makes me a better commentator
doing stand up i
think makes me better as a
human being
it forces me to
think about
things on a
whole other level
it forces me to consider
every single
angle of every single subject
whether it’s something that’s
going on a nuclear
problem in china or
you know financial bullshit whatever the fuck it is
when i’m when you’re a
comic man you you
start probing
things not just because you’re curious about it
but also because
like what is there a joke in here and what’s the
angle of this fucking
thing it’s really what’s
wrong how could this have been
avoided well what the fuck
how come they didn’t do that boom there’s a joke
you know i mean like that’s that’s a
lot of time
expanded my
it’s really
expanded my view on life
and just a lot of and
you’ll do it
just like me you’ll do it forever
no matter what ever else comes
that’s the one
thing that you’ll
realize is that comedy is the most fun
it’s the most rewarding
and like even a fucking hundred people or
80 tomorrow
night or tonight rather we’re doing
sal’s comedy hall
there’ll be 80 people there tonight are you coming you
gonna do it yeah
yeah it’s awesome place
sal’s comedy
all the shit if you’ve
never been we’re there tonight we’re there almost
every wednesday i won’t be there next week
but almost every wednesday
it’s on melrose
street and it’s this fun little tight ass club
and we go in there when
we fuck around
and it was my
point what the hell was i talking
about before that as far as expanding
your mind as far as how you
think and then doing comedy forever
and that’s the most fun that you have yeah
it’s the most fun
it’s either the
point was yeah it
doesn’t matter if it’s eighty people or if it’s fucking
you know toronto
april twenty
ninth i’m doing that’s twenty
five hundred people you know it’s almost sold out to
twenty five hundred fucking people i did
eighteen hundred in seattle it’s you know you do these
giant fucking shows
they are fun as shit
but guess what it’s also fun to do
fifty fucking people
it’s fun it’s fun to do a late
night show you stop in on a wednesday night
at the improv
and you go on last and it’s the 10 pm show
and there’s
100 people in that audience and they’re
tired and it’s
still fun as shit
it doesn’t matter if it’s on
television when you
start getting good at
comedy you will realize that that is the number one fun
thing to do as an
entertainer
so all my other shit that i do i kind of do like also
but if i had to choose one it
would be constant
that’s what i was
thinking for sure like if
somebody took
everything away and said all you can do is one thing
it wouldn’t even be close
i wouldn’t say there’s no way i
would just do
commentating for the ufc
because i’m a fucking fan
of fighting of mma i
would be a fan just as big if i
never worked for the
ufc a day in my life
tomorrow the
ufc called me up and said go fuck yourself
we’re hiring
mario lopez
you know you’re getting old dude
dude it’s over
if they did that and i’d be like alright i
guess i’m just
watching on tv
from now on
i would watch the same amount of
fights i wouldn’t be there for the prelims
cause i wouldn’t see the live shows
but dude i’d probably
watch the same amount of
televised fights no
that’s like
and that’s one of the theories
that i’ve always had is like dog
i want to do this
for the rest of my life
so that’s why i
guess i’m an artist you
know i guess that’s why i’m not really in a
hurry for a lot of
things like this is
gonna be my
first tv credit of any kind ever
so your comedy will make you better at
everything else you try to do too see if you
wanna try to do something else like say if you try to
one day you
wanna host a talk show or one day you
wanna do some
other kind of
a television show
you’re gonna get better at it because you’re a comic
it makes you
it’s the hardest
it’s the most
rewarding but it’s also the most difficult form
in my opinion of talking so how do you like feel
about these dudes that just run out here
because they
and put together the comedy tour just
cause i think as i’ve gotten
older one thing that i’ve gotten
really good at is finding who to get mad at and who
it’s a waste of time to get mad at
and one of the
things it’s a
waste of time
to get mad at is some person just trying to make it
who gives a fuck what they’re doing
whether they’re doing some
stupid fucking game show on television
like i did whether they’re doing you know
they’re trying to do
stand up comedy when they’re 37 years old
and they’re just coming off a sitcom and they never did
stand up ever
just fucking
look at charlie murphy
who’s a good friend of mine man charlie murphy
i admire the fuck out of what he did
oh charlie did
charlie murphy
jumped right in
as a headliner right
he and i went on the road we did
22 gigs together okay and this guy
had only been doing comedy for like a couple of years
right jesus it was like two years
we’re doing
thousands of cedars you know
2 500 cedars
giant fucking places
and charlie’s
going on after me
and i’m doing an hour
i’m doing an hour we’re co headlining
we did this we went back and forth back and forth
that motherfucker’s got balls
he just jumped into the fire
so i mean you know there’s people who go
these fucking guys i hate
these fucking guys they
think you’re a
comic you’re not a
comic yet yeah that
guy’s trying to be a
comic and so is steve o
and so is you know
other people that get into it man it’s fun
room for more
everybody can be a
comic you can
be an 80 year
old doctor and one day you decide you know what
i want to do some fucking
stand up and i’ll tell you what if you go on
stage and you kick some ass
comics will take you right in
right don’t you see that
like you and i when we met
here’s the language that we
understood you’re
funny you’re
funny i’m a
comic you’re
like this kid’s a comic
he’s fucking funny
boom you’re in
you know that’s how it is
real comics don’t ever like say
oh this guy’s a headliner
but this guy’s an opener we can’t talk to him and
real comics you’re in when you’re in yeah
funny it’s funny
but that’s the
thing that i
think helped me out
a lot is when i stop getting mad at everybody
at the end of the day
i’m still a comedy
fan man i love a good
laugh even if they
suck i love a good
laugh even if they suck just don’t listen
just get out of the room when they’re on stage
there’s guys that suck man
i can’t watch them on
stage because it hurts my head
you know i’m saying like
it hurts what they’re doing is so out of
whack and it’s not
funny and so unaware
it almost like
screws up my
sense of comedy
and i get confused and i don’t want to go on
stage and have
when you’re on stage man
there’s a person on
stage and they’re really rocking it
you get into
their mind you’re on
their frequency
whether it’s you know joe diaz or louis ck
louis ck is a
great example of that he’s a
great comic
but one of the
things he does it’s really great
is he pulls you into the way he’s thinking
you know he pulls you in to how he’s looking
things and you start
thinking the way he
thinks as he’s doing it
and it’s hilarious and that’s one of the
but when someone’s got some
wack ass thoughts and they’re unedited and they’re
sloppy and they’re
stupid and the shit they’re saying makes no fucking
sense and oh shut up
you just gotta
leave the room
but you can’t be mad at them the guys
are trying to do his
thing he just can’t do it oh no
but i used to get mad at them
i used to get mad at
people that sucked i used to get mad
especially if they were more
successful than me
i would get mad see
i’m so glad that i’m past that because
i got a problem with if i’m on
stage and i’m bitter i suck
as long as i’m having fun i’m good like
well not necessarily fun
but as long as i’m good
i had to take the bitterness
out of my act
cause it was
funny but it wasn’t
it was like people were like that
might be too much
so once i got that bitterness out
where you know what
to each zone and just like you were said
is room for all of us
but i just wish that
like for instance one of my big pet peeves is
thought i wish
that white comics
could say whatever they want to
because that would free
black comics up
in a way and i know it sounds
crazy but but why
comics do pretty much say whatever they want to yeah
but y’all don’t y’all can’t say
the n word you can’t say fact like well you
can get away with no
i can get away with saying faggot
a lot easier than
your average
white comic
could just cause i’m a
black guy i disagree
when jim norton
says faggot it comes out it’s like poetry
it’s like music true
well that’s i mean but that’s
but that’s one of the baddest
comics going
i’m talking about
he’s a real
comic any real
comic can say what
but even sorry
black comics can say faggot
and not have a
point and they don’t get in any type of
trouble it’s not a
type of trouble but what they do do
is the audience loses a little bit of respect for him
yeah especially
if it doesn’t belong
if it doesn’t belong
what they’re saying
yeah if they’re just doing it for
shock or they’re doing it it’s an
ignorant with
things that they’re saying it’s a silly
thing they’re saying
you lose value with the audience you lose
they don’t respect the
connection that you’ve made
they’ll let you keep going
but they’ve lost
a piece of respect
and that’s really what’s
going on man if
you go up there with your thoughts your thoughts are
you have to hone
them down to the
the best of your abilities to get them into
these people’s minds with
the least ego possible
the most amount
of respect for the person’s attention span
and the most amount of
focus on the material
so that you can hit
points and notes
and have ideas
that they didn’t come up with like they didn’t even
wow i never even looked at it that way
right that’s one of the best
things about comedy man
when someone makes you
laugh about some shit
and then they they
point out one
thing and you like
fuck it that’s so true man that is so ridiculous
that why are they doing that
you know what the fuck why aren’t they you know
why are they
doing this just like um
just like what
happens with me a lot of times is like
i’ll talk about jail but i also
talk yeah how do you
bring that up
i almost shot a crackhead whatever
basically well it actually comes
after me talking about
it it it actually talks about me um
paying paying taxes now which is
which is a concept
that is fascinating to me like i just
started paying taxes like
three years ago and this
whole tax paying
concept fascinates me and people find it
weird but what you gotta
understand is
oh you don’t pay
taxes on adult
money so it’s like
worried though that they’re
gonna come after you for now that you talk
about it on
stage and shit that one day the irs are go listen
you owe us money from selling coke
come and get it
because i don’t know how much i fucking made and they
would say what if they go
bring crackheads and
bring them in the
courtroom they
would never be i’ll talk
about you i was just joking
i bought a million dollars off
crack off this
motherfucker really so
where did you get the million dollars
i rob a bank and this
motherfucker sold me a million dollars worth
that’s a beauty
comment it’s
not a speech is a joke yeah it’s like and then
but that’s where the
whole that’s
where the whole
thing about
going to jail comes in is
after i talk
about paying
taxes now how
can you only go to jail for two years for
shooting somebody what’s that all
about because an intent it was
well yeah it was
well i mean you
weren’t trying to kill the guy i
can’t really talk
about this okay what
prove that well
they’re gonna
put it like this
put it like this
they never found a gun
so it’s one of
those things
where the guy knew that i shot him but they
never found a gun
and everybody
did you say i didn’t shoot him
what i didn’t bother
that was that was me making a deal like i wasn’t gonna
fight this shit two
two fucking years for
shooting somebody is pretty fucking good so
i just took the deal i’m like fuck that i i can do too
i’m not what is it like doing two years in the poking
it’s fucking did you see a lot of rape
yes really yeah
what like would you say
what’s that smell
just fucking smelling
smells like rape
rape and poop
well not even
well well well
giant women with
not like not like rape
assholes not like not like rape but just
motherfuckers giving up that ass like just
really yeah
it was just accepted like for some
motherfuckers like
a lot of it is i was just
thinking coming up here
i remember playing a game of
space right i was
i was playing a
space game hard
yeah car space
please let him
win at the end of this game and then no no no and then
and then there was a dude sitting to my left like joe
is another dude walked up behind him tapped him on the
shoulder dude got up pulled his
pants down and then went to his cell
cause that cause it’s time
you know i’m saying it’s just time
for you to get fucked
whoa whoa whoa so the guy comes over taps the
dude you’re playing
cards with this dude and what does the guy look like
he doesn’t like
looking dude
he doesn’t have
makeup on nothing crazy
none of that shit and
so taps him and the guy just pulls his
pants down before he
starts walking
so to let everybody know this is what’s going on
not even that i
guess it’s just
the way he do it i
guess the way i
guess that was his choice but he just so he
goes in there pulls his
pants down and the guy just
starts fucking him in
front of everybody well
he well he went into the cell like
he had a cell
over there but he went into his cell and
got done so the cells a lot of times the
cells are open and everybody’s wandering around yeah
what the fuck yeah
so it’s like
prison how much time are you wandering around uh
okay you got count like
three times
well the jails i was in we had count four times a day
so unless you had somebody do something
stupid on what they call the tear
you be out for the rest of that day
until it was either time to go to lunch dinner
so you get to hang out all day
yeah so basically jail is like you got a cell
and the cell’s open most of the time most
of the time
and you guys are just wandering around playing
checkers and
doing whatever the fuck you want tickling each
other sucking dicks
yeah basically
i was always curious
about this i had
you know family members and i’ve
never been able to ask him exactly like as far as
a prison rules what’s the socially acceptable allotment
of time that you got to be in there before it’s just
socially acceptable to
start fucking another dude
well if you go in there for life
well your day you
start raping
yeah that’s
a gift i mean
you do everything we
never thought we would
do that’s like a well
i can’t speak for
every jail but
but all i do know is
where did you go to jail
i was in jail in dc and then
maryland and then
i was in baltimore city they
moved you around yeah
yeah wow and
i can’t speak for
every jail why
they move you
did you do some gangster shit no
cause it was well i actually went to solitary for
forty five days for what for tickling
no not for tickling player uh cause
is that the
first time you’ve ever said that that
particular player
yeah that’s a
weird that’s a
weird sentence
combination of words
i just popped your now you tickling player cherry
not particular player
yeah that’s a very rare statement that’s a
that’s a hardcore statement right there oh no but
why did you okay
i went in right and
i had some shoes
tennis shoes right and these dudes one of them
and i had to fight them every day to keep my fucking
shoes and i got sick of fighting these guys
so i had a bright idea that instead of
fighting them i’ll just hit the ceo so
niggas will think that i’m crazy
right well i did that
and what happened was they got these
people called this
they got these cops called the
stormtroopers like they’ll run into the tear in
riot gear if anything break out like full
riot gear fucking all that shit
i hit the ceo
and these dudes roll in and when i woke up i was in the
infirmary i broken ribs like they fucked me up damn
so when i got out of the infirmary
they sent me to solitary for forty five days
you should ask somebody about that plan
who am i gonna
take my lonely at first i’m
thinking about going crazy and fucking up a cop
i didn’t have a chance to fuck him up i
i hit that cop one time just body shot just some
niggas think the
before i think i
drew my fist back i had like ten motherfuckers are
right there
take your shoes after that yeah
no no the cops fuck me up but
people thought i was nuts and it’s like
but the whole
the whole so they leave you alone you kept
sneakers yeah yeah and then once i
once you have
accomplished the same thing by
kicking the shit out of one of the guys who took your
sneakers not
every day no no nobody i
would just poop on my
shoes i didn’t know what
would want doesn’t work
brian like doesn’t work
think in advance i like the way you know
doesn’t work
on your own shit it
doesn’t work
you clean them off
they’ll just
clean you’re in jail you aren’t here doug
yeah it’s like
mentality it’s a
whole different mental
they’ll just
clean them off big deal
yeah they clean that shit i
would fucking
like rub it into the inside of the
shoe what more
cause my balls on the outside of the shoe
well they liked that
no what always kills me is whenever somebody say
how they would survive
in jail is always wrong
paul ryan has a
whole way to get away from rape remember
brian yeah what’s up guys trying to make me
suck his dick i’ll just grab his balls and run
as fast as i can in the opposite direction he
pulls the ball
off the fucking balls off he feels like he
could i could dig
my nails in there and
grab a vein or two and just fucking
where are you gonna go when you run away huh
i’m gonna be ripping his balls and wearing it as a mask
down the fucking whatever it’s called the
stairway but there’s tomorrow
huh yeah i’ll have that mask on my head still
and no one will
fuck with me cuz i’ll rip your balls off
but there’s tomorrow
and guess what
this guy starts
front me i’ll tickle there’s no
happy end of this conversation
especially not for our listeners
our listeners
right now are hemorrhaging
they’re in the car
shut him the fuck up
shut him up
i swear to god unsubscribe to this fucking
stupid podcast
ridiculous by hurting
hear this ridiculous idea nobody’s
podcast ago
it’s still just he
tried this idea
yes this is idea it’s look it’s what he’s gonna do it’s
my god bless you but you
never know man you might have a killer grip i do
some dudes have a grip that’s very
shocking every now and then like
you do jiu jitsu the guy grabs your
wrist and go god damn this motherfuckers got a grip
you know i can’t even get my fucking hand free
some guys some guys can hold on to you man
maybe maybe brian’s get that kind of grip
i hope so because that idea sucked i
tell you that shit sucks well listen at
least he’s got a
a plan i do have a
plan like why does people have plans
know what a
much better plan is don’t fucking go to jail
it’s like the absency
is this japanese nuclear
power plant is that the worst plan
that human beings have ever made as far as like
plans that didn’t work out
plans that were a huge disaster
now is there is there a single worse plan
than building a nuclear reactor
on a fucking a monkey
making aids i don’t
think that’s how aids happened bro yeah
i don’t think anybody really fucked a monkey i
think that’s just samkins
did they actually know
did they actually know that that shit was on a
fault line oh for sure yeah
they built it to last to take it up to an 82
they thought that was pretty
generous you know that’s pretty
extravagant
earthquake that’s honestly
why they got a fucking nine
after yesterday’s
podcast let people are saying that it’s not as bad in
japan as everyone
that’s nonsense that’s not true at all
they’ve just
upgraded to chernobyl status
it’s bad i knew that
the other day here’s the thing
about it being bad it’s not getting better
okay it’s getting better
maybe in 100 000 years
and it’s getting
more and more fucked up and more and more
nuclear materials
is leaking the reason why it keeps getting
worse and now it’s at
level 7 chernobyl
levels is because it’s getting worse
it’s not it’s like well it’s
gonna get to a certain
point then it’s just
gonna stop oh
this is a bad situation it’s bad and
japan is not big man it’s not big
it’s not like this shit is happening in nebraska
and you’re living in alaska and it
never really hits you
no this is japan is fucking tiny man this is the last
place so let me take a wild guess
they built it on the
fault line cause the land was
cheap or whatever so they decided to
build it well
all of japan
i mean japan is an island
you know and
it’s not that big so there’s a lot of spots in
japan where the fucking ground moves like what are you
gonna do you just
gonna hope that you’ve got it
figured out
where it doesn’t go bad if the ground moves
but they never knew the ground was
gonna go to a
nine i mean nine for five minutes i mean it just broke
everything and then
the tsunami came in and killed the
generators and they couldn’t cool the rods down they
didn’t cut a
break there did they
not only that
but they didn’t plan it out well it was like one of the
worst plans ever
we’re gonna create
some sort of a reactor that harnesses the
power of the fucking sun
but we don’t know how to shut it off
just in case
we don’t know yeah we don’t know what happens if the
power goes out the
power we’re good for
about eight
hours the power
goes out they had battery backup for
eight hours
and that’s it
yeah so in those
eight hours you
gotta fucking
run okay okay how
how fucking
greedy are these
motherfuckers like nobody
nobody thought like hey
it’s possible
for acceptable
risks they were
willing to take what they felt were acceptable risks
and the acceptable
risks just really aren’t that
planned out
human beings have such
a narrow window of reference
because our lives are only 30 40
50 years by the time we’re making
these choices
you don’t learn that much in
those 50 years
you just don’t
and then when you add
those 50 years to all the fucking
the previous
people that have
lived to be 50 60 years old in
human history
and all they’ve figured out and you’re at the
forefront of it and you’ve created this new
thing called nuclear
power and you’re the guy who’s like
people are listening to you like how do we do this
well this is what we do we got this
thing and it cools the rod
what happens when it goes off well don’t
worry we’ve got fail safes
everything’s
gonna be fine
okay this guy says it’s good let’s go with him
well he’s a clueless fuck
just like we’re all clueless fucks
been around for
about what one
human lifetime
we don’t have enough fucking
you know nuclear power is
clean safe energy
sometimes yes sometimes
and sometimes it eats a hole through the
earth and kills
everything within a hundred miles
you know yeah sometimes it’s fucked
i just sound like a dick
head but like
how does that
affect us it
affects us very badly because
first of all
there’s nuclear reactors in orange county
and they’re on
fault lines
and anything over an
eight point two
shit gets very tricky
and you don’t know what the fuck happens
if they have a big
eight point two down and fucking the oc
and that nuclear
power plant gets fucked and the
power can’t
come back on they can’t cool the rods and it just
and it goes into a meltdown
whoa we’re fucked mexico’s fuck san
diego’s fucked everyone’s fucked you know
these guys that are doing this in
japan they don’t know how to shut this off
and they’ve got engineers that are willing to risk
their lives
going in there trying to shut
things down
there’s over 50 guys have gone in there knowing
for sure that it’s a
death sentence
knowing for sure
that they’re
gonna get cancer they’re
gonna die horrible terrible
deaths because of radiation exposure and they’re
still doing it
they’re still doing it they took
chances they went
there and told they couldn’t take it anymore and then
they went to the hospital for radiation poisoning and
they’re fucked and they
said it’s gonna get 100
death wish guess what they
wouldn’t do that in america
no one’s gonna do that
here not any of
them can’t they
take that honda
robot and make him do whatever that has to be done
honda robot’s a retard bro
he can’t do shit
he’s good at like he plays basketball
can’t get them fucking
rods and pull rods
now you a fucking robot
they play basketball a
bunch of robots well they don’t really play
basketball they have different
things that they do like one of them
you any dribble a ball
i think they could dance i can think they
could do everything they could
throw an armatron but obviously it’s programmed
okay okay cause i’m like if that fucker can
dance send him down there
just look at your way down there to make
it more positive eventually that’s no doubt that’s
gonna happen eventually there’s gonna be a
robot that can do
every single
thing any movement in articulation that a
human being can
because look we know how a human works we know how i’m
scared of that type of shit hopefully like
that type of shit scares me that’s some terminator
robots yeah not
not necessarily
robots is just getting to the
point where i’m that
dependent on a robot
you know i’m saying because i know
i know that i’m lazy so if i had a
robot to do that shit i
would do it fuck you
know i like do that and do that and do that and then
it turns out i’m not doing shit no more like
basically and i’m
yeah but what makes you
think you would do that
you know because
i’m cuz i’m fucking lazy joe yeah but believe me man
robots are expensive
it’s gonna it’s
gonna be hard to get that
robot it’s not
gonna be easy oh no
in your lifetime
robots are never
gonna be cheap
by the time a
robot’s cheap you’ll be dead
or you’ll be downloaded into a
robot it’ll be like that movie oh
that’s possible to
download it into a robot
there’s a movie
that’s out right now
trans indent
no transcendent man yeah transcendent man
the ray kurzweil documentary and it’s out
right now on itunes
yeah transcendent man i
watched half of it
today before the podcast i’m
gonna watch the rest of it later
it’s fascinating shit and ray kurtzwell is this
super genius
he’s made a
bunch of different inventions and he’s
like you know at the
forefront of the
idea of the exponential growth of
technology eventually coming to a
point where there’s some sort of a singularity
and artificial intelligence
and potential
like potential download of the
human consciousness
into computers
where you will live forever
as long as the
power stays on as long as you know you can figure out a
way to have a
power source that is well
that is a bit much for me man
it’s a bit much but it’s fascinating because it’s all
about first of all it’s
about nanotechnology and the idea of
these little tiny computers that are
going to be the size of a cell of blood
a blood cell
and they’re
gonna be in your
bloodstream repairing
things and fixing cancer and doing all kinds of crazy
shit that’s the that’s the
that’s the scary shit that’s
the type of shit that i was saying like only in comedy
only in comedy what i’ve ever
heard about this shit
cause i’m telling you
as far as building
my mind and expanding that shit oh you don’t hear
about this shit when you’re on the corner in in dc
fucking slinging
crackers yeah
on the cubicle
it’s fucking nano
technology bullshit like that
like um yeah a lot of people don’t hear
about this stuff
until they hear
about it on twitter or they hear
about on facebook or they hear
about on this podcast
and i hear about a lot of this shit a lot of the
things that i hear
about like i
found out the transcendent
man was out i knew it was coming out
on dvd but i thought it was like in a few months
but it came out on itunes
first and the only reason i
found out is somebody put it up on twitter
i mean it’s
and i find out so much on twitter so many different
weird fucking interesting stories
well cause i like
cause i like follow you on twitter
and you’ll be posting some shit
and i’ll go to it and i’m like what in the hell
it’s like yo you
like your post stories that
ain’t nobody like
would even think of and i’m just like what the fuck
just just from the
i always check it out but it’s like dog that’s a bit
much as far as nanotechnology and shit like that well
it’s what it is is that computers are
eventually gonna get
stronger and
stronger and
smaller and
smaller i mean that’s just a
trend they’ve always done
they’re gonna be able to
do more and more and more and eventually what they’re
gonna be able to do
is they’re gonna be able to figure out
what are the components of a
human being and how can we reproduce that
because they can make artificial
flesh already they’ve
already figured out a way to make artificial ham
they’ve figured out a way to make artificial like
but they’ve
grown ears on rats ever seen that
like grow a
human ear on a
mouse’s body
they know how to do
so much that eventually
it’s going to get better well
as it gets better it’s
going to be an artificial
human being what if they
can do all those
things they did that goat was a goat
or a lamb or something in
japan they had that oh
clown dolly
the sheep no they
cloned it but that’s not an artificial
that’s not duplicate
well if they can do all of that uh huh
then why the fuck
is there still a skid row
well here’s like
you can do all that shit
you can’t fix
a human’s development once it’s developed
that’s when it’s a real
it’s like fixing a dog that’s already fucking crazy
you got a dog that’s already attacking
babies and fucking bites cars and shit
man try fixing that dog
but to keep that dog from
becoming that dog
that you can do
if you treat the dog with love and respect
and you train them and you
train them that he’s your
buddy and you know
then you got a
happy dog when
he meets people associate people with being happy
right you know it’ll be like a positive
experience so you don’t have to
worry about retraining
them it’s retraining people that’s hard so you get this
kid bro they’re already fucked
so then would you consider somebody like me
an exception to that rule that you just made
well me i’m
exception to it too i wasn’t a perfect
human being when i was a
child i was fucking
crazy i was
crazy through most of my young 20s
you know like
legitimately
crazy right you know and if you if you know you look
at who you are now and who you used to be and there’s
evolution but
it has to be from yourself you
have to decide to do it on your own it’s very difficult
you got to be objective you’re
gonna have to probably do drugs you’re
gonna have to fucking find yourself for real
need much well
that’s what know
what that’s what you won’t really get there on your own
know what that’s what well
i beg to differ a little bit i
think that’s what
me being in
isolation did for me when i was in jail makes
sense because
it’s note like dog like you have to think
you have to i mean
after you after you
blame the lawyers and god and your parents you
still got 43
days left to fucking analyze yourself here’s the deal
man here’s the deal with your life you can blame
everybody for your problems in life and
you might be right
but you can’t change that
what you can change
is what you
think and how you
react and what
power you give
other people’s actions and thoughts over you
right that’s
from getting pissed off of them by
using that energy for yourself
using that energy for positive shit
using that energy to
try to accomplish it like that
could either
that could either
drive you crazy
or it could make you
a better motherfucker like and that’s why
you know i know
that i brought a lot of shit on myself but
i’m glad that i was
able to use the time that i was in jail
to say dog you can’t keep doing this don’t shit man
you have to try to do something be it
be at and the reason
that i’d even bothered to
think that i could be a
comic is because that was one of my survivals
while i was in jail i’ve always been this size
so i was the guy that if somebody
did something or said something i had something
quick to say
hmm that kept brothers smiling
cause dog that’s a long time to be anywhere
so just a smile for that one day or or or like a laugh
especially in jail means a
whole lot more than just us talking and
laughing here
because dog it’s a miserable
existence it really is no
not to say that i didn’t deserve to be there but dog
it’s fuck it fucking sucks it’s like don’t
let rappers fool you that shit sucks man it’s nothing
it’s nothing hard
about doing something
stupid and winding up in jail it’s fucking dumb
it’s really
stupid to do something
to wind up in jail
and it’s it’s just fucking
awful so joey
diaz has the same
story that when he was in jail making people
laugh in jail is what got him into being a
stand up comedian
but he would have they
would ever like show
movies or something the
movie would suck they
would say coco get up there
get up there and tell stories
and he would get up there and he’d
start making everybody
laugh and that’s like what
started him off on the road to be in a
comic well see i
but then the
other part of it i also stutter
so what would happen is
even like if i said something
that was slick people
would laugh and sometimes i
would try to talk and stutter in people
would laugh so either way
i’m cool you know i’m saying so but
with that we
would just that
laughter man like
laughter is something
that i think that we as
comics shouldn’t take for
granted it’s a powerful
thing like if it
if it can help somebody get through jail
just laughing once a day just like dog that’s very
powerful it’s a very
powerful thing
we don’t think
about it because
it seems frivolous it seems like oh you just
laugh and you’re
silly you’re
a silly person
dog it’s important for your health it really
mental health also it’s like dog some some shit
just fucking let it ride man like let it ride and
even with even with um
what i’m doing
as far as comedy man it’s like
dog it’s really cool to make people
laugh like i’ve gotten to that
point i’ve been
angry dude but now
is really cool to make people
laugh man it’s really
fucking cool
well you’re pushing positive instead of negative
you know that’s what it is when you have to find some
shitty things in
your life to figure out what you don’t want to be doing
learn from your
mistakes and then you move on yeah and just like
just like for instance and something else with
being in solitary confinement is
i’m not as concerned with what goes on
around me as far as
which which was that
first statement i was making as far as
racism but we had to
clear that up
i don’t care i
i’m a country
music fan i
like why do you like country music
oh i love probably
cause i’m a drinker
first but i like
i like country me i don’t even know why though i
would you like i like dwight yokom i like
mostly all of it man like
other than that country pop shit
where you got pop stars that couldn’t make it as pop
so they try to do country now i
think that’s a little bit much but
other than that
like straight country i love it man well
i’m a big johnny cash fan but i
never even think of johnny cash
as being country johnny cash is like some weird
white rap that’s
a johnny cash fan i
wouldn’t say i’m a country music fan
yeah i like country
music yeah like a boy
named sue that song man that’s not really a country
music song man
my name is sue
how do you do that’s like
you’re gonna
do something
good how do you get away with that
cut off a piece of my ear
he has a fucking
a song about a
knife fight with his dad where
dad cuts off a
piece of his ear you know it was
written by what’s his name shell silverstein that poet
no that’s insane
really yeah man he didn’t
write that it’s like his song he made
it his but he
shall write
that silverstein
motherfucker
now i have to respect
cell silverstein hey i’m so
stunned but i’ve noticed that you say the word
dog a lot is that something you’ve been doing your
whole life for
it because i mean
brian is black
i know but i don’t have a word like that i
guess you need to
get one son look
that’s my word i need to get a word
son cat yo cat
cat i can say cat
hey cat no i
i guess it’s a dc
thing too man we like stevens
is a decent
that like that like player player
yeah players
that may be one of the funniest
things ever
been said on the podcast not for tickling player
it might have
been one of the top lines please don’t make a
t shirt out of that cuz i
would die last not
particularly
the entire primary
if there’s a
if there’s a demand
we might have to
start doing podcast quote
t shirts yeah that’s a pretty good one yeah that
particular player
or the one with you that on the wikipedia
yeah i’m on my man oh there’s already ten
entries in the wikipedia were put people
put that in
what i’m on
some man shit
i like what
dog that’s how i like see you as cause
you know dealing with
comics is basically like dealing with females for the
most strippers
yeah so it’s like needy strippers
so like talking to joe is cool
cause that’s what i call it like
joe is on some man shit so we can just talk as two men
without me having to worry
about hurting his feelings or saying something that now
you in a corner fucking crying or some shit like that
so i was like that’s
why i say it’s some man shit it’s like dog it’s just
two men fucking conversating you know what i’m saying
conversating i love that word for
those of you
listening at home
and you hear that
crackling in the
background what the fuck is that
that is the volcano
the sound was the
that’s the compressor
the crackling the
crackling is the plastic bag that contains the pure thc
myth people actually
wrote that on his witness
sound he’s a man
that’s the exhale
people wrote that
you wake up
it’s yeah people
wrote it like ten
times man somebody
wrote on his
awesome man shit
i’m all right good
don’t be scared all right good i guess that means i
had it come on man this is the home stretch
okay fuck it you know what i’m talking about
that’s what i’m talking about do just inhale just
push it in and take a deep breath is this real life
take a deep breath deep breath
and then blow it out that’s what i’m talking about dog
you probably be good with one
yes i think keep you at one
we don’t want anybody
going crazy here and trying to call
that is for the podcast
right there all right do you want anybody
trying to claw
the walls up so you know tony woods
cause you’re a decent guy yeah
i met tony woods tony did
tony’s a funny guy dog
he is incredible tony
woods if you’re out there holler at me if
you’re ever in la i’d love to have you on the podcast
tony’s one of the funniest
comics that i’ve ever liked
i was in new york one
night and tony was doing the old boston right
it was four people in the audience
right tony is crushing
some lady has to go to the bathroom she’s like
could you wait a second
he waits for her to come back that’s hilarious does
20 more minutes
he’s the only guy i’ve ever seen get a
standing note from four people that’s hilarious
yeah there’s something
about doing
those fucking sets we used to talk
about that at the comedy store too
those sets that you
would get when there’s only like 10
people in the audience or
less that is
so much fun
i did two at dangerfields once
me and a bunch of
other dudes it was like
three other
comics that also did sets in
front of fucking two people
it was one of
those gigs where
danger fields was a
weird place
you know it was like it was rodney danger
fields was it
still down the
street from the
comic strip
cause now it is i just remembered
i don’t even remember what
street it was
on i know it was somewhere on the east side i did a lot
of gigs there though yeah it was east side but when i
lived in new york that was like one of my main spots
cause they gave you what they call prom shows
and what prom shows were and i did
these with al lubel
and i did these with
otto and george and
a couple other guys i can’t remember
their names but
what we did was we were forced to do
they never took the audience out they would
stuff them in with kids they’re all like 17 and
drunk and throwing up and falling out of
their chairs
and then violent like
one big football player got on
stage and blew his
fucking cigar
smoke and alu
bell’s face and took the
microphone from him
and no one did shit
about it man he was a big ass kid he was a big kid
and you know
what they would do is
these kids kids
would be they
would do their prom they would
have their prom then they
would come to a comedy show
and they never took the audience out
they just kept
pumping more people in
so they wanted you to come up
again you would do five or six shows in a
night so they
would have a rotation they
would have a host
and then they
would have like an opener
and then the
second guy and the third guy
and then you
would go back up again
and the same people
would be there
they would be there and they
would say you have to do the same act cause we
wanna get rid of them
but you’re not
gonna do the same act
you’re not gonna
wanna eat it man
you’re not gonna
wanna bomb so they
would tell you to do the same act and i was
like you look man you hired
me to do comedy you can’t tell me what comedy to do
right you know once you
gonna throw me up five times a
night that’s all good but
you can’t tell me what comedy to do i’m not
gonna die up there so the
kids were still there yeah kids were
still there
and you would do
half hour sets
and you would
it depends sometimes we were 20 minutes depends on
how many people are on the show
but the kids were there and you would do
you’re set and they wanted you to go and do the
exact same set
which for the
exact same kids in an hour and a half
because they
wanted to get rid of the kids that’s insanity
and yo they
would just put people
would just pull up in limos
and then the guy
would come in
every now and then if you seen the show this guy
bobby have you seen the show have you seen the show
if you’ve seen it please leave
if you’ve seen it please leave
and these kids
were just running around like fucking animals
so i did that
place so danger
fields was a
weird club man it was real
weird it was real dark
and nobody went there man it was fucking
small crowds all the time and not the best
comics i have to be honest
it wasn’t like the highest
level guys the highest
level guys were the
strip and the
catch rising star back then so anyway
this fucking couple comes in we’re all sitting around
my spot was at like
eight o’clock and i got there
and everybody was just sitting
in the bar area
and the show was already supposed to have
started i’m like what the fuck’s going on
and they’re like there’s no one here
i go there’s no one here no one zero and then
right when we were saying that two people showed up
right this way
ladies and gentlemen
right this way
and they lead him into the showroom like
these people have no idea we’re here to see the show
and they pay their
money and they get
their tickets they
think there’s a fucking show
going of course of course they walk in there dead empty
and they sit down by themselves and
ladies and gentlemen please welcome your mc
for this evening
and he brings up the mc
and the mc was some dude had like
like a little keyboard on
stage just do this kind of a
musical thing
so he goes up
in front of two fucking people
and then another
comic goes up and he does
his set and then i went up and i did my set and then i
another guy went up and
we did a real full show for two people
sweet cool it
was but that’s
when you do
those man it’s like you get a
weird connection with people that you don’t get
you know you don’t get in a big ass
crowd i’ve done
something very similar a couple times but i don’t do
my regular shit then i
ended up just
fucking around and being real like sarcastic like
yeah so i went to the
store you know like
i do it completely different
that’s because
i don’t even want to bother trying well my whole
thing is you know that i went to the store well
you actually
could do the opposite and it
would help your act
and the opposite being
you know realize like how much of your act seems fake
and you can get away with it because there’s 200 people
right as opposed
to when you’re telling it just to one person
you can really trim the fat off your material that way
you know for me i find
small crowds
really make you trim the fat because
you’re not putting on a show anymore
you’re talking to people
and so conversation yeah and when you’re doing
that you know you really get to the real meat of the
topic better instead of like
some bullshit show
stuff where you’re saying
things like
so first i but
not really well i thought
plus the fact
plus the fact that
me personally
i think that if you paid your money it
doesn’t matter if it’s two or like a hundred dog y’all
y’all pay just as much as the rest of
these people so why not give y’all
something other than me fucking around like
that’s one thing i personally hate
coming from
new york is when people are like oh it’s a full
house tonight who gives a fuck it’s
it’s five people here and all of them are paying
eight dollars a fucking drink
let’s have some fun you know what i’m
saying that’s how i look at it
cause it’s like thought
there is no
disappointment
especially with me
at the stage that i’m at
i know that y’all
didn’t come to see me anyway so for me to be arrogant
that’s even more of me being a jackass yeah
you feel like more pressure that’s what it feels like
doesn’t it feel more pressure for you when there’s
only a couple of people no i don’t
even try so i but why not
why don’t you try because it’s just to me that’s just
i don’t know
i just not even
want everybody
clearly thought
it through this
motherfucker
needs coffee
more than anything
i’ve done it
three times and but all
three times i just just
he was like fuck
there’s two people here i don’t give a shit but then i
but why wouldn’t you give a shit
why wouldn’t you
treat those two people like it’s a real show
it seems like too much energy to waste on two
people but dog okay
but all right so if there’s two people there like
didn’t know
what makes i don’t know like aren’t they still special
here’s the thing with me
i started call me completely different i
you know i think of it as
like i could jump on you stream
and talk to two people
but i jump on you
stream and i
talked in like a hundred people immediately
you know to me that’s way
worth it than
going to a comedy club
and doing the same thing in
front of two people that they’re like who’s this guy on
stage you know
like that person’s not
never gonna follow me
that person’s not
if i do good
those two people are just
gonna most likely just
gonna go away and not even remember that night
oh that’s a
weird way of looking at you yeah
that’s pretty negative
that’s what
i like know what but you’re absolutely right and
basically hold on guys
can’t talk over each
other like that okay you’re absolutely
right though man because
when you say that you
started comedy differently
that’s true because
like i’ve had to do those shows
right like i’ve had to do a show for two people
period and you
haven’t had to do that so i guess i didn’t
know i mean i do i do i do open mic almost every day
and i do it in
front of two people i’ve do it
what’s even
worse is five people that have seen
your act a million times because they’re all comics
but you also
know audience
but you also
know that you’re doing that so
like doesn’t he work with you a lot joe
yeah sometimes so then
if you’re doing that you
already know that it’s practice for you to perform i
think it just
it’s too easy for you to get on
stage you don’t
appreciate it enough
if you were really
grinding if you were really
trying to really be a comic
no i’m talking
about the situations i’m in
which is open mics yeah
it’s like most of the time if there’s two people
there’s two people in that audience man
you gotta treat
those two people like that’s a
crowd you know
you can do it
it’s harder
to do but you’re not doing a real show on open mics
you’re just fucking around so like when i go on
stage i’m not
going to do a
full on material
but you do a material right
i do let’s just sit there with a
thumb up my ass
i’m just saying i don’t do my normal
shit i fucking just sit there and be like so
you know i do like a
completely different act
well it’s like hey i’m not
going to do what i’m
saying is that you don’t have to do that
you can do a version of your act that’s better
you know you
could trim it
down and trim it down for two people it’s a
sometimes it feels
weird you know and you realize what jokes that
stand out in your act is
being like artificial exactly
when you’re talking to two people man
you feel like
the jokes that aren’t good
you know they’re like man this one needs work
this shit’s clunky it feels
weird to talk to people
what i’m saying is
you can benefit if you really want to
truly keep doing stand up
you can benefit from that just by doing your real set
if you get a
laugh from two people yeah
you know that joke is gone
you put that one in
in the us i
guess the biggest reason why i
think this is why i
think of it
there’s been so many times doing open mic
where you do a new bit that you believe in
and you like it
and it fucking no one no response at all
so you try it
again same exact
thing no response at all
then you get a real show
and then you
try that same bit and it fucking kills and you’re like
goddamn i almost lost that bit
because that bit failed
cause you’re in this horrible
atmosphere of
like two people
right but like
other comics
it’s all a part of the vibe
you gotta tune it all in
it’s all a part of the process of being a
stand up comic
you can’t really develop only in front of
large audiences
once you got your shit together then
you could pretty much do
any kind of audience you want
i think you’re
thinking i’m saying something
completely different
you’re making it
seem like you don’t like to perform
when there’s two people you like
to have no no no
that’s not what i’m saying
i’m saying that when
there’s two people in the audience i’m not
gonna fucking
do a whole like hey so i went down the street
i’m gonna just
kinda fuck around i’m not
gonna do my regular material
i’m gonna just
i’m not going to
give them that i
understand what you’re saying
so let’s break that down
let’s break it down
because it’s kind of interesting no
it’s not pretty
basic it’s kind of interesting
let’s break that down
because what you’re saying is that you’re not
gonna give them this like hey
like real animated
right no no
i’m not saying that i
like how i considered like
the act that i do
is takes a lot of timing and
it’s a whole
process it’s not just sitting out there
going blah blah
blah blah blah it’s kind of like it’s more work
then then just saying
you know what i’m just
gonna fuck around
and do some some bits you know just try some stuff or
or you know just fuck around so why
would so if there’s two people in the audience i’m not
going to like
bother trying to
like change my
whole act to go around two people you know like
but what i’m saying is why does it have to be changed
exactly because it’s funnier if you say certain
things when there’s an audience it’s
funny if you say the same
thing in front of two people as you
should say it different
you agree if there’s
a group of people right no
sometimes it depends on what you’re talking about
like it’s time
it’s completely
different in
front of 400 people than two people yeah
right right but
why even fuck
around trying to even do the math of how it
would work best
wouldn’t you just
want to be like hey there’s two people here i’m just
gonna fuck around some new shit
oh no i think
you have to address the fact
obviously this is only two people you have to make some
light of that
but then once you do that
you can pretty much
if your act is tight you can pretty much do your act
but you could or you
could just fuck around
why even try to
change things
or man i wish
cause what i’m saying is for me when i do
small crowds it makes me well
aware of the
space that i have on my act that i need to trim out
like i’m talking
too much here or this is too disingenuous or this
is so this seems a little fake yeah you can tell us
a line yeah this is like my segway this
segway is like cam handed you know this
this punch line is like a little like
sticky like
i feel the difference when i do it but
that could because i mean
like me personally i wish
that i knew
when i did the shows for four people that i
would be playing for
two hundred
sometime in the near future
so that’s why i was more like whenever i get on
stage no matter how many people it is
i got to make the most
of this being on
stage even in
even in new york
where i was
where you get on
stage a lot more
hmm even there it’s like dog
i used to always just be like i’m so grateful to be on
stage at all
first of all
second of all um
maybe i just
appreciate that
these people
would even listen to my bullshit yeah
who in the fuck am i
yeah that i’m looking at y’all like it
should be more y’all
if you really want to do it you have to think
about it like
that you know you have to be almost obsessed with it
you know all
i’m saying about this
doing you know doing
shows and not
appreciating as much or not
thinking about as much
brian has one
point that’s really important is that when you’re
starting out and you start
and anytime you eat it
it chips away a big
chunk of your confidence
and when you can look at
something and go well this is just not even set up for
comedy why am i fucking running uphill with sandbags
you know exactly this is
gonna give me a bad feeling i’m
gonna go up there and do some jokes that i have
some hope for and they’re
gonna die because it’s not an easy crowd
so there’s that
point too i see that
point too but
there’s both
it’s really it’s not either or there’s both
and it’s just
a completely personal preference like
last time i was on
stage was right
after we got out of portland
i decided to do an open mic at sal’s
and i decided you know what just as
an idea because
i had just done five shows in a row a certain way
i’m going to do the
exact same way
at sal’s so
there was about
eight people in the audience
i did the exact like almost a recorded version
of what i just did the
whole right
just to see what happens
and it was the most
awkward motherfucking
thing ever i’ll let you listen to the it’s so
weird like i i
started like i have a part of my act
where i just
started doing this
where i have a really uncomfortable pause
you know and then
mostly like there
would be a couple people that
get it like okay i get it now this is creepy
and then a bunch of people start
laughing i did that there in
front of a people
no one there was
never that one person that just
started giggling to get it
to make the
other people laugh
so that it was just like complete silence
it was so do you
blame the audience or do you
blame the way you performed no no i
think the whole idea of that bit that one
particular bit
is that there’s
gonna be a few people that get it
and start giggling
and then any
other i don’t know
what you’re talking
really can’t
you can’t really comment on
the odd mentality of everyone
alive if one person gets
heard it’s where i said you’re a fucking porn star
right i just sit there
just sit there and it
suddenly a couple people giggle and then
suddenly everyone
starts fucking giggling it’s like this new
thing i started in portland
so i did that at sal’s
okay it’s not that one little giggle
sometimes people are giggling just because they want to
laugh sometimes people are giggling
because they’re at a comedy show and they’ve had a few
drinks and they just want to laugh
and if you give them a
pause and they’re
laughing at some
stuff before they’ll just
start laughing
right right but
that’s not what in this case
this case is the
whole bit is
i can’t give away my bit but you know
that i know
what you’re saying so
people put together ways like
comparing that with weight you’re a fucking porn star
so one person
starts giggling
not making enough
sense without saying the bit yeah
i have to explain this so
anyways well
i know what you’re saying i’ve
heard the bit though but
i know what he’s saying
it’s like it’s
something like if you
haven’t but
you gotta but you
gotta adjust
when there’s a
small crowd it’s that simple
i know you’re saying i just
so you just wanted to try it as an
experiment to not adjust yeah i
tried to not adjust
did you do it
exact same thing
and it worked on some bits
really it worked fine
did you feel like bailing out halfway into it though no
no because it’s
eight people and most of
these people were just
other comics
so i was just like you know i’m gonna
experiment with this that’s one good
thing about doing
every day is just
experimenting
you know like
that’s just an
experiment see what happens
it’s like a
video game like i might try
jumping over this platform once i
would recommend whatever you do don’t try to bomb
i don’t try to bomb and it’s not like
and it’s not like
is this one
thing you tell someone to not try i’m just
thinking about
going up there and bombing on
purpose you
know what that’s
what that’s a beauty of open mic that’s
that’s one of
those things
whereas though
cause you lived in
new york for a while
right joe yeah
that’s one of the
things that
being out here and being in new york
i think when you
are in new york doing comedy
stage time it’s like yes you get on
stage more but
it’s kind of harder because when i was there
i had to pay to go up on open mics i had to
either pay 5
or buy a couple
drinks or do something
to get on open mics that was like six years ago
i don’t know
if it’s changed
since then but you had to
spend money
to get on that stage
so no matter what
or who was there you just
spent some money to talk and now you
gonna fuck around
so i think at
at my level
we didn’t have time to play
cause i just paid to get on this
stage so i’m
gonna try to get better how much you have to pay
when i was there you had to either buy two
drinks which for
comics was like six dollars or else you had to pay
five dollars and
for mostly every open mic
at a comedy club you have to pay to go on
stage yes five dollars wow
or most most
places most
places make you buy a
drink sal’s
makes you buy a drink
well comics have to buy a
drink now yeah now
you have to
spend five dollars
and you get a ticket
and you’re allowed to go on
stage but actually
sal’s common
sal just common it’s common
it’s not common but it’s in la it’s common
look the most important
thing is that there is some sort of an open mic system
right it’s unfortunate
when you get an open mic
system that makes you pay though
i don’t mind it because i’m
going to fucking buy a beer
but still some guys don’t have five bucks
every night
like i told
boone you guys know boon
he’s a homeless
guy that i think he’s homeless but he
isn’t open he’s a micer and
i think he’s hilarious
and he’s like i’m like why aren’t you
going to you know
sounds anymore
and he goes well because i can’t afford that
you know five
bucks and i’m
like look i have one or two beer i have two or
three beers at least
every time i go to sales
you just let me know i’ll buy you a beer get you a
ticket you know so
you can mooch off my beers
yeah it’s fucking wow
it’s really
crazy yes like
it’s really
crazy cause
in new york like
i remember talking to sal
whether he was gonna
start charge he’s like yeah
might as well
cause it’s like
nobody that’s not really common from what i seen
here when i
first got here but now it’s
it’s coming y’all got people
gonna have to kick out and i
think a lot less of that plan
will be going on as far as well i can
just play around because dog you just kicked out
and if you’re
gonna do it if you’re
gonna have a
place to go up five
bucks is not bad and
if that’s the difference between having an open mic
night and not having an open mic
night then it’s
worth the five bucks
because it’s the most important thing man
stage time getting good spots getting a
bunch of people around you
there’s no substitute for it in the beginning right
no not at all yeah you
gotta just hustle
you gotta do it all
even the stuff that sucks just jump up there dude
well that’s what
with the two people
crowds we were talking
about i mean like
you know you
you gotta be up there you
gotta be practicing
no matter what i mean like i know shit i’m pretty much
the same level almost i mean like just i’m
right above the open mic
phase at my fucking
point but when
two people show up that means it was either
them or nobody
and they’re doing you a
favor just by being there
so i mean the
least you can do
is give them your fucking all and
adjust yourself to the room and all that yeah the most
appreciative you are
in every situation the better
the most that you appreciate
every opportunity the better and that’s you know
there’s negative to it but it’s also
you can turn that around
one person can go up in
front of that same
crowd and kill
you know i mean i’ve seen that before
where i didn’t like something
i didn’t the room was not to my liking or whatever
and i went up with a shitty attitude
then a dude will go on
after you and kill
and you’re like okay i was an
idiot you know now i know you know
it’s stupid and here now i’ve made a mistake and
now i learned from that shit some
inner shit yeah
cause it’s like
i guess to be honest i’m just
appreciative
of the fact that
it’s legal first of all this is legal and
second of all
people let me talk some shit to him man like
if you were told me when i was in jail that i’d ever be
doing this or
like anything of this nature i had told you you was
crazy how much you getting
worked out you getting road work and shit you mean
that just came out to right
it’s coming out they actually push the date back but
it’s coming about
it’s coming out
on august the
first now itunes
yeah but it’s actually
it’s actually the first
uh cd that’s coming out on george carlin’s label
other than his
other than his word cause you
your manager situation this guy
keeps giving you shit advice
motherfucker who got lucky with george carlin
dog it didn’t take much work
jerry i’m just kidding whoever you are fella no jerry
jerry is good
but it’s the only it’s the only cd
other than george’s work to ever come out on
what’s it called it’s called wildly
inappropriate
wild moms gonna get
a free yeah and yes your mother’s gonna get autograph
copies but it’s like um
it’s like that
and i’d like to thank
kelly man kelly is great
kelly kelly collins awesome
she’s awesome
who’s kelly
george’s daughter our daughter
kelly carlin
she she was the producer for a paul show the
pop events the show yes she wanted producers for that
right right she’s awesome because she
heard my cd
and she’s like i cool like because you have to
clear it with all of
these people because it’s
their father so are you
are you doing
stand up on the road now
i still don’t have a tv credit according to
a according to a lot of comedy club owners i don’t
have a tv credit so you can’t even get like middle work
nobody’s gonna let me middle form what
dog nobody’s
gonna let me
middle form well who says that why why do you say that
it’s happened too many times i’ve gotten complaints
from middles and what’s the complaint
first is to
first is that i’m too
dirty and then
and then the
second show i’ll do my
whole act clean
and in the third show
i’ll take out certain jokes that they don’t want done
and by the fourth show is normally just fuck them
it’s just like
we can’t stop this dude from doing what he does and um
so you meet
your so you’re saying they don’t want you midling
because you’re too good is that what you’re saying
that’s what i
would think but that’s kind of arrogant
so i’m just like i’ve been there for some of
these fucking shows
where he’s gotten
who are these
pussies that are scared to follow you
call them out who are they
no it’s been one of them has done
so are these
who are these
pussy oh yeah that one was a good one that was funny
i’m not in the position to call out
motherfuckers okay well
why don’t you tell me
their name and i’ll call them out
i’m not doing that either
no you actually
check him with some subtle
chest shit nah
two moves ahead i didn’t go
three i went
to gotta go
three on me right
now gotta go
three on me
but it’s some
dudes like i have some fucked up stories man
and it’s like so guys take you on the road with them no
no no i’m just talking
about just from
hollywood people have seen my act and they’re
like there’s no way in hell i’m taking them on the road
and it’s just
cause you’re too dirty
what does it cost
i don’t know
maybe know what
i’ll just say
cause i’m too
dirty even though i don’t consider myself i take
the dirtiest dude on the
world with me
you know what
a human being dirtier than joey that’s ever
existed yeah
you’re not supposed to see his balls in the green but
i don’t want to say it’s
cause i’m too
funny cause who knows funny is
funny is well if you’re following shit
comics there are
comics that want only
scrubs to go on before them
it’s a real common
thing like there’s a lot of people that get surprised
when they come
to see some of my shows like dude you got all
maurice of fear and joey
diaz going on in
front of you like
those guys are both headliners
which is because i think
cause you’re like a comic
you’re a comedian you aren’t somebody that’s
just here to just say
a couple jokes and get on the sitcom like you really
take this as an art and as part of the art of comedy
you don’t want
scrubs up in
front of you yeah i don’t want anybody to
suffer through any bad comments
exactly i don’t
agree i don’t
understand why you would even
think like that because to me i
think it’s like writing waves
well like wouldn’t you want the best
environment
let me tell
you something
dude if you have a guy who goes on in
front of you and barely gets by
20 minutes or whatever and the
crowd gets uncomfortable and in the
comic the main event guy comes out
and just comes out guns
blazing and crushes
it makes you look like a fucking
superhero yeah
you know and the
other guy bombed and you just destroyed
in there some guys like that and they need it
and the last
thing they want to do is be in the green room
ready to go on and hear some guy out there killing
right i get fucks with them yeah
they’re taking away from my
crowd there was a comic
he wouldn’t even
allow his black
comic he wouldn’t let our
buddy who’s a
black dude open
for him because it was in his
clause with his manager that no
other black
comic will go on before me because i want to
black it up
well there was a really
funny really
we used to always talk
about that in the east
coast it was
funny how if you
would go on the road
and there’s
two white guys and one
black guy the
black guy is always like yo yo
i was supposed to headline i was supposed to headline
but if there’s
if the black guy shows up there’s two other
black guys like yo i
gotta go on
first i gotta go on first
because they’re doing the same material
i don’t care
cause like i i
haven’t heard no
black guy say
some of the shit that i say so i don’t care like and
even even with
some of the comments like you were talking
about road work like i’m in
vegas the let
the next gig that i got booked is for
vegas like the
first week of june
dog i i get no work
cause i’m in that nexus
of he’s not
funny enough to headline by itself dude
i’m gonna be honest
with you you set yourself up
you got like
some negative little roadblocks in your head
and you go down them and you’re like people ain’t
gonna let me and this is
gonna happen
and i gotta
because people
wanna fuck with me and because
you have this little
thing in your head you automatically are in conflict
with people
like people don’t
want to headlink people don’t want to middle me people
they you just got to do your shit man don’t
worry about that the
people that are
gonna people are
gonna be intimidated by you don’t
dwell on them don’t even
think about well i’m not and that’s why i think that
things are getting better for me as far as career
wise and mentally wise
yeah don’t even
bring that stuff up
in conversation just abandon
those that was
some shit that i was talking
about just because you
asked that question
nobody’s holding
you back man that’s what i’m telling you nobody’s
trying to hold you back i know that because the
whole thing is
i don’t care
if they were it’s
it’s my job to
to be the best that i can be on that
stage that’s all
and that’s all that i can control
like i can’t control who
wants to take me on the road
i can’t control
who wants to make
how many times he been on the road
by myself or at
period did you go on the road a lot
no i just work like bud books me at his improvs
where’s bud’s improv
oh his is vegas and tahoe he
still books
vegas yep he
still i thought
he was retired i thought that was it
bud saw me one
night and i
guess we’re talking
about um but free
but freeman the
legendary guy from the improv with the monocle remember
those evening the improvs put on
yeah yeah so
so i play improvs and
like buds improvs and then i um
play vegas some but that’s
about it man that’s
as far as far as me and
traveling that’s
about it i really
haven’t gotten on the road
with any like i’ve
never worked with anybody on the road on the road
well you now that you got the
showtime special you’ll be able to get some gigs right
hopefully yeah with
george carlin’s manager and the showtime special bro
yeah hopefully yeah put it all together
yeah hopefully so if people want to get a hold of you
they get you on twitter
yes daryl right
and brian is
brian whitaker
and of course red band very red bands very
upset of his twitter follower
yeah i don’t have it so low
so so low i don’t get nobody
want so many
people hate me no i’m yeah
yeah i got a dog collar
today joe i don’t know it was myself no
for the girlfriend
but it has like 10
levels and like the first
level you know it’s very mild and then if it keeps on
barking it gets higher and higher it goes up to
these 10 levels right
right so we had ma’am miller on today’s
skeptic tank with ari shafir
and we decided like hey my pekingese
is wearing this
it’s not gonna be that bad so ma’am puts it around his
neck barks and fucking
he’s just like this is
awful this is awful
and i’m like alright
you have to try
didn’t think
that that it went up another
level because of that
is he barked
every time we do a
ketchup yes and
it had already because my dog had made it go up to like
level two or
three or something like that
so it was already on like
level three
then ari puts it on
right on his
throat like on his neck and barks
shocks the fuck out i’m like alright it’s not that bad
but i wasn’t
going to do it like fuck that you guys
so i was holding i went to hold it and they were
laughing so hard and i
started laughing that it vibrated
and it made the
noise and it
shocked me in the hand my hand
still feels
numb that hard
it’s pretty
shocking doesn’t
fucking what the hell’s his name
jason ellis
doesn’t need to like fights
where dog collars and
shock them remotely
that’s what how
why we decided to do it because the man was talking
about he just did it with nick swartzen
where they had
fights and then they had him like wrap around the
legs and stuff
and it would just drop you that oh
dude i am not down with that
those guys are
crazy i think that played today
jason ellis show
yeah he’s electrocuting himself
that’s ridiculous why get
ellis on here
man i will dude he was i’m supposed to do his show to
where we have it in planning
because it’s hot man ladies
so next week will be on
monday and tuesday next week
and times and guests and all that shit to follow
this weekend
joey and ari and i are at
helium in philadelphia i almost said helium in
philadelphia
that’s what happens at the end of the show
folks your brain is done
so if you’re in philly come on down it’s all sold out i
think there was only a couple tickets left for
thursday night late show that was all that was left
we added a late show thursday that’s how we roll
we’re like gabriel iglesias but white
gabriel will do five shows on a
monday hell
yeah that motherfucker
rakes it so
if people want to get a hold of you
best way twitter yeah just twitter twitter yeah that’s
fine facebook whatever facebook facebook and
brian please follow brian
you get so sad
you get sad what are you up to now
huh what are you up to now i
think i were
about 18 000
still 10 000 away from
michael i’ll tell them before you came in joe i got
a fucking i got a
stalker before i got any fans i got
somebody who made a fake page on me on facebook and i
checked it yesterday and
i was thinking oh
maybe i got some
other fans i didn’t hear about
there’s one follower on this fake page
wow just so depressing it
was like damn somebody made a fake page out of me and
i got one fake fan
check out desquad
tv though for the
death squad podcast and subscribe to that please
do whatever the fuck you want to do
folks don’t listen to anybody
including him please
i’ll see you guys at philly see you next week
monday and tuesday for the podcast
and that’s it oh can i
say something
real quick tell everyone you want for all of
the podcast guys that
hung around through all of this craziness
thank y’all for
watching guys this was fun
thank you joe for having me read
thanks for being on guys
thank you man powerful
see you bitches love you flashlight
oh yeah flashlight
our sponsor
is if you go to joe rogan
net and click on the link
the little flashlight link and
enter in the
code name rogan you get fifteen percent off
so you get a discount on your masturbation
it’s a quality product made by nice people
white and blue only unfortunately and clear
what’s that
white blue and
clear only though unfortunately no
black yet there’s no
black vaginas yet i don’t
think so blue
white and clear really
now you know joe can i plug it to work sure
we got plug in a
smile and die comedy
we’re going with rick shapiro
up north bay
area for a few days coming up this saturday we’re
starting the purple onion and then off
i think somewhere else in san francisco
i don’t know
but that you can follow that shit on twitter too just
smile and die comedy
smile and die comedy
that’s what it is on twitter it’ll be
all alright
bitches love you
see ya bye bye