Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

Transcript

we got no bells and whistles

we got no guests we got shit this

is the hundredth episode and it will go to

100 the way it began

with no form

not knowing what the fuck we’re doing

sitting in front of a laptop with snow

the stupid karaoke snow effect

yeah i listened to it

today actually on the way over here

it’s unlistenable

there is times where there was like 15

seconds 20 seconds of dead air

where we’re just fucking sitting there

like looking at things yeah

that wasn’t really supposed to be on itunes we

should have

never let it go on itunes yeah

what it is you

know it was just we were just fucking around we just

what it would

start was it anthony kumia’s show

that was actually i remember a

while ago when justin tv came out

we used to always be on the road in the

green room and i always

tried to like

set up like a

video like in the

green room thing we did it a few times the joey diaz

and then joey

diaz got pissed and

twisted my finger remember that

he got mad because he didn’t want the camera on anymore

and he grabbed my hand and started

twisting my finger it was

crazy like he got really

upset well joey i

think joey has to be

funny all the time

in his eyes

and when joey’s

backstage if he’s just sitting there like what

what do you

wanna do well

i’m not even hungry

you know he

doesn’t want people to see that

he doesn’t want people to see the normal

average everyday joey he just wants joey when he’s on

right you know

so yeah after that that that incident

i was like alright i’m not doing this anymore and then

we tried it

again joey’s a lot more sensitive than you

think he is man yeah you know joey joey

said something to me remember when i came down when i

when we were headed

to the show in portland and joey got mad yeah well

that was ridiculous

that came out of nowhere too

it was just me and him sitting there

waiting for you to come down and it was really weird

i mean the bottom line was i had to take a shit

and sometimes

was that me yeah

it’s probably

it’s probably me

you know when you have to

take a shit sometimes you know time it well sometimes

like you’re running out the door i’m like god damn i

think i gotta go

let me just see if i can get this out real

quick it was like

oh god damn it

i do have to take a shit but i

haven’t had enough lettuce today

i hate that when you have to

speed up a shit that’s the

worst that’s not cool at all it’s not helping

the worst is when you’re thinking

about not taking a shit and then you do and you go

god i can’t believe i was just

gonna walk around for the next couple

hours with that inside of me yeah

or the girlfriend shit when you get a new

girlfriend you can’t shit in

front of her i

shit in front of everybody

you gotta deal with it you have to yeah

the word i don’t mind if they do it either it’s life

yeah but it

just kind of sucks you just meet this girl you’re

trying to be like all sexy and hot in your bathrooms

right next to your

towel and his deal

i’m gonna take a

stinky shit hope you can deal with it

if you’re not you don’t get no more of this good dick

damn that’s what you

gotta tell her

let her know man

it’s commodity

you didn’t look

through my camera by the way that i left it no i didn’t

god damn damn

it that’s great

and if i did i wouldn’t

you know me

i did my first

well not my

first but my one or

first or second

home movie sex

movie oh really and we were just like

let’s see what it looks like do you like how you look

no because it was a side

and i noticed that my

gut just kind of sits on her ass when i’m fucking her

i’ve never noticed that before so

now i’m like looking at 24 hour fitness and shit like

that but i left my

rest on her ass like a fanny pack yeah it was

crazy and i left

it here though and immediately i saw him like oh my god

that video could easily have just gotten out and that

could have fucking

that’s how it happens

that is how it happens yeah yeah you fuck around and

leave a phone behind exactly yeah

jason tebow has this

thing with sam tripoli that

every time they

leave their

phone around or somebody gets their

phone and it’s unlocked

take pictures that dick yeah and or put like

black dicks and

stuff like that like

jason likes

black dick and less

last night jason’s

did his mom though

and was saying

i like black dick

did his mom what do you mean

she left she was like oh look at these

photos i took

and so he did

his mom’s facebook and put like you know wait

a minute wait a minute

his mom left her

phone behind yeah so he took her

phone and got on facebook and put

pictures of

black dick yes it’s or i don’t know he put

black dick but he said something like i really like

black muff or something like that

whoa really

yeah his mom yeah

his mom’s pretty

sweet though she’s she’s pretty

sweet she’s a

lesbian she’s just hangs out with the boys type

thing your mom’s pretty

sweet you sound like cartman

she’s supposed to be

mom is pretty sweet

i had one friend that a

mama was a lesbian growing up

but he never admitted it man

took it forever

took forever before he came

clean oh he knew

about it he

just everybody knew his mom was living with this

woman with a crew cut

with with like big arms

she had like she would wear larry the cable guy

clothes yeah

she would wear like sleeveless shirts like

sleeveless vest and shit yeah and she had these like

these big like floppy

truck driver arms

you know and she was a dyke

there’s no getting

around it she was but she was you know

my friend did not want to come

clean though why

she wants to be normal man

everybody wants to be normal

you remember joey diaz’s stories

about wanting to be a

white kid yeah

he’s not white that’s

right well i mean that’s kind of

ridiculous you hear that bitches that’s called a slurp

people go i hate when you make that

slurping noise

can’t you turn your

microphone off

just fucking deal with it man

when i was listening

to episode number one in the car that was another

thing that the mic

sucks so bad there was parts

where things were

dropping and just blew your

speakers out

that’s pretty

annoying you know one

thing i didn’t know is

a lot of people

say why do you

stitch her i had no idea

i talked to the president recently and we were talking

about the whole incident and

stuff like that

the incident

the rss incidents

we had a beer and

you know he said a lot of

things that i had no idea that

stitcher did and one

thing was that

stitcher normalizes the

whole audio

so when there’s big loud

bursts and stuff like that

which is what we

should be doing we

should be doing

we actually used to do that

but it made the audio too

quiet because

for some reason i don’t know i’m not an

audio engineer but it didn’t work right

yeah we need compression

i heard that compression

was actually not the way to go though a lot of

audio engineers that work at

radio stations here

in la actually told me that that’s not the way to go is

to use software post

who knows post yeah but then you

have to edit it you have to put it through post before

well i think it’s just a plug in

in what the program i use which is

logic and it automatically just does that

right but you have to run it

through the program meaning you can’t do it live right

right they’re doing it live

yeah they’re doing it live and i

guess there’s

by saying there i’m talking

about the adam corral show

i have podcast envy

i went to his

setup it’s so dope

i mean there’s something cool

about that you and i

just chilling in my office

right we always do

it this way it’s either in your office or in my office

right that’s

where we do it

there’s something cool

about that but

his setups pretty fucking sweet

yeah except

he’s doing a

radio show you actually got

one of the same mics that he used as

i guess mark mehron

and him both used and we

tried it out and didn’t

sound as good

well ours is a lot louder

but i think a part of that is

this show is

a little more unstructured so there’s people

leaning back and yelling and

stuff like that there’s not really any of that

going on in marin show

and there’s not really any of that

going on the corolla show you

know i think

for our purposes

these are better

do you listen to any podcast

besides you know

or do you listen to

here and there i listen to disinfo

i listen to

psychedelic salon

psychedelic

salon is kind

of cool because it’s a podcast but really it’s a

bunch of old

audio recordings

like old terrence

mckenna recordings

or you know

stuff like that so i listen to that stuff but

honestly i try to listen to the news or

i listen to talk radio

for two reasons

one you know to see if there’s anybody that i

agree with and two to see

if there’s anybody that’s just

completely out to launch

like i listen to

patriot on sirius

satellite radio

the reason why i

listen to it

it’s all fucking

bananas it’s all

these crazy assholes that want to

bury gold and

they’re ready for the

whole thing to come

tumbling down they got their guns

ready and this is

obama what he’s trying to do with this eric andre

you know it’s

those guys you don’t fall for that shit that

doesn’t get

in the back of your head like oh my god you’re

right we need to collect gold and

no you don’t you don’t follow

come on man i

think if the shit hits the fan

gold’s not what we’re

gonna need we’re

gonna need bullets and gasoline that’s what i think

bullets gasoline

guns places to stay

somewhere you go

where there’s no radiation

when the shit hits the fan there’s so many

human beings have devised

so many ways to fuck each other up

that if something

ever really chaotic happened at this

point in time

where we really went into like nuclear

warfare man

golden can help you dog

every time i’m away from la

this is the reason

one of the things that

maybe we should

leave la someday

because every time i’m away from la like i was

out of town this weekend and when i was away i was like

now’s a good time if shit was to happen

this would be a good time because

i’m kind of

out of the crowd i

could escape easier you know

cause there’s not a

whole bunch of traffic and soul vein and like

i think i have like a

whole suitcase of shit i have my computers and

stuff like i

think at a certain

point in time it becomes

completely unnecessary to be in such a

large group of people

the only benefit

of it is that because there’s so many people

you’re gonna get and

especially because it’s such a like

a desired area

you get a lot of fascinating people here

yeah and like if you

moved to denver like what are you

gonna do with the podcast

fly freddy lockhart

out on a plane

i don’t know

i think what i

could do is

there’s three comedy clubs in denver

there’s two comedy works and there’s one improv

i could talk to the people that are coming in for that

i can interview them make it like a

radio show kind of yeah there’s

local comics there’s a

strong local

comic scene

in denver so i

could always

have those guys come on

and we could do skype too i did

ariel hawani his

mma show i did it yesterday

and i did it through skype

it’s pretty badass man how did it

sound it sounds

he sounds great

i used that

stupid blue

snowball microphone

the only thing that’s kind

of fucked though is that you can’t hear your own voice

right and there’s ways to set it up that you

could definitely

you could use

these mics yeah

as an example yeah and if i had it set up like this

like in like if i had it set up like this in

colorado and you had it set up like this in

california and we just skyped it together

we could do a podcast it’d be pretty easy

once i show you how

sweet colorado is you’re gonna

wanna move to yeah

but there’s not

as many of your type of girls out there yeah

i know you’d have to change your standards

yeah i think

yeah what would

i don’t know that i’m

hippie is just this wet

smuzzly there

right like people that are working out and hippie

yes boulder’s a lot of that boulder’s hippie

and boulder’s people that are in really good

shape right

no one wears makeup

no one looks like a whore yeah

and that’s kind of a bummer

gonna have to get the girl pregnant

or something there’s not a lot of girls

like the ones that you’re around all the time in

california there’s not a lot that’s very rare for the

whole world

yeah well that’s

you know i go ups and downs you know my dating is not

it’s it’s it’s like a

stock market graph is

you know it’s like i don’t really look for

what i understand

but what i’m

saying is living in los angeles is giving you access

to these girls why

leave that that’s

worth it that’s worth

it going at

least you die with a heart on

you can find hot chicks in

colorado they’re just not gonna

be quite so needy yeah

it’s fucked up you know ever

since i got in this relationship i already see my

stand up going away

just like how it always does

it’s like hey do you want to have

sex and hang out with this hot girl or do you want to

stand up and hang out with four guys that you

yeah barely now you got a

tricky situation because if you really want to do

stand up you can’t just do it half

hour during my shows or half

hours right

so i’m making myself good at

night but i’m you know i

haven’t been writing because when i’m you know

i’m not writing as much either yeah you’re weak weak

you just give in

but it’s easy to do man i did that when i was in high

school yeah

i said a whole joke about it

about how when i was in high school

i played baseball

i did all these

sports until i

started getting laid

and then i was like

whatever with all that

other stuff

my parents like what

about baseball might

yeah from this new thing

i think i like it more

right you know like once you

start having sex like

like why am i playing baseball yeah

that shit’s boring

yeah i was have you you don’t have your

first set on tape do you no no

do you yeah i

watched it the

other day it’s awful

it’s horrible what sucks is

just everything sucks do you like the new ones though

i like the new ones definitely

it’s definitely

like before

you could see the nervousness on

stage and i mean this was 2003 or whatever but

it was gross i can’t even

fucking imagine

it’s hard to

watch my my sets from like last

night even if i killed

it’s still weird you know

it’s hard even

if you’re killing but man if you’re not killing

oh it’s painful so painful yeah

stand up you

gotta figure out bro

if you really

wanna do it

cause if you really

wanna do it there’s only one way to do it you

gotta go gang busters you

gotta like put together an act

you got a rare opportunity man

you’re on the

road with me all the time so you get to do

these sets in

front of these

giant crowds i guess

how i look at

standup is more as

i enjoy doing it kind of like i

like doing it playing baseball you know i like bowling

but i guess i’m not looking as it in a career wise

and i don’t

think i ever wanted to do it as a career

i think i think

if anything it’s just a workout for this podcast even

to make you more comfortable yeah

just more comfortable

and you know

thinking of

funny ideas and

just being creative

you know because if i’m not doing this then i’m

painting if i have to be doing something and now

right now it’s just

you just have so much and you need to get out yeah

right shrooms really

is nice to reset that though you need to shroom

yeah soon man

it’s it’s i

stream like

the other day and it’s

it wasn’t the best one

but it definitely just

opens up how you look at

everything so

reset yeah definitely

resetting i do that

every time i get in the tank

yeah thanks a big

reset you need to try that

but yeah any any

any opportunity that you have to

just fucking just step outside of the whole

thing and just

relax and let’s

take a look at this let’s assess this you

know from an even position

so many times in life man you’re just on momentum

right you know

and every one step from the next is like there’s

something pushing behind you and you just keep moving

have you ever forgot to

take off a condom

after sex like not le

who no like

sometimes you know

like all have sex in like

then you know when i come and then i’ll take the condom

throw away put a new condom on so i can continue

and then not come

again but i forget i have

that condom on you’re getting way too personal i know

i was trying to

clean it up a little bit but

i was srooming and then i went to go piss

and i’m sitting there going

and i’m like

waving it into

the condom yeah i didn’t know what the condom

was on and i didn’t hear the

water and i’m like what the fuck you

might be the laziest

motherfucker i’ve ever met in my life but when you’re

so lazy you can’t even take your condom off to pee

but you know

what’s cram

be bothered

you never know

way down there

no i didn’t know it was on there but it’s

crazy how much pee

comes out so fast because it was like a full balloon

when i look down

and the first

thing you do

the fuck does it stay on your dick i don’t know

it stayed on pretty i

guess pussy just

dried or something i don’t know

but what’s crazy your first

thing to do is like holy shit and so i just kind of

pulled it off

in the weight of the

pee dropped into the toilet and just start

spraying out back out of the toilet and it would piss

everywhere oh

god fucking that

doesn’t even make

sense how does that condom stay on you

while you’re pissing it did

it didn’t it didn’t fall off

a lube did you use i didn’t

you know i did use i

think i might have had some

flesh lube around

no i didn’t no i was at the no i didn’t

so just whatever lube was on the condom yeah yeah

wow that’s fucked up tight

condom it was a tight condom that’s

ridiculous did you go over your balls huh

that’s a no joke a friend of mine

amir geelong

um fuck what i forget what his fake name was he

used to have a fake name that he used to use on stage i

forget what his name was

but anyway he had this joke

about the first time

my first time put on a condom

is really tight

got back from the bathroom the girl was

laughing at me i was like this fucking painful why you

laughing she goes

doesn’t have to go over your balls

fucking idiot

he had a bunch of

great jokes

his other one yeah

my friend got his

girlfriend pregnant they were having anal sex

the baby looks like shit

this is so stupid but

fuck anyway

you’re so lazy you don’t take off your no i just

forgot i was shrooming having sex ever feel like an

incredibly lazy person though do you ever like look at

some of the shit that you say um

like lazy in general in life

yeah just like

i always think i have some kind of like if i

i got my thyroid

check but and it was fine but i always

think that i always have had some kind of like

you know i’m always

feel like i need

speed like i need something like when i

drink so much coffee it

doesn’t feel like it does anything are you do you

think you have add

or something like that

or are you one of

those fucking

buckle up republican guys there is no add

when i was a kid they were just nutty

they were just nutty kids they’re not diseased

now stop coddling em

no i probably

think it’s cause i just don’t work

out i don’t do shit like that that my body’s just in

fifth grader you need to slow right

your body yeah you

need to kick your body and you have all this humping

should be doing something for you

yeah should not be firing

up your fucking testosterone banks bang bang bang yeah

no yeah sure i don’t know

what were we talking about

we’re talking

about you being lazy as fuck yeah i i i

think it’s either exercise or it’s probably

some kind of

deficiency of some kind probably that i i need like

well i know that

i know friends that are on that adderall shit and they

said oh i needed it to concentrate and

okay i guess but it’s speed

you know i can’t

think you’re

gonna last very long on

speed yeah you know i don’t like what it feels like

i have a cup of coffee during the podcast

and one cup of coffee is fine

but if i have two cups of coffee during the podcast

after the podcast is over i feel all amped up

i feel like ugh

see i don’t i don’t feel shitty

really i don’t feel that at all the only

thing like like

there’s a lot of energy no it

doesn’t work but what i do notice is that i clinch

when i when

instead of feeling that energy i’ll find myself like

were you clenching my

teeth really

hard i don’t know

out of nowhere

i do it all

the time i noticed on the way home yesterday

cause i had two cups of coffee here yesterday

and i noticed i was driving i’m like

why am i clenching my teeth

like i don’t know what it is

like it’s like it’s all

going to my jaw

dude you’ve got to be one of the weirdest

motherfuckers i’ve ever met

i do it all the time if you if you look back at old you

streams you’ll see like this line on my

i do this i bite my

cheek and are you

thinking about anything when you’re doing it

doing it i’m just like clean like

you have this energy that you got to get out yeah my

mouth squeeze off around yeah

wow maybe you have some like

unaddressed energy issues

you know maybe if you like

started doing something like like

throwing the discus

or something

like really physical

like maybe you

would like feel much better i’ve been trying this xbox

dance game unconnected

it works pretty good

oh that shit

when are they

gonna have some sort of a martial arts game

where like a

robot does certain moves and you can kick it

you know like

it like moves forward and you can leg kick it it moves

forward you

punch it it

doesn’t have to do much

i think this is to be a

target i think this

kinect thing i don’t know if you know what

kinect is it’s like that webcam

thing that they

put you put on top of your tv

and it detects your body

it works i don’t know i

haven’t played that much but the games i’ve played

fucking badass it’s like

where you just

hold up your hand like you can do netflix we’re

streaming through

movies going like this with your hand moving it left or

right you’re

streaming through

movies and then if you want to pick one you

pull your hand out and grab it

and it’s kind of like whatever

minority report or whatever

but they have games too

where you don’t have any controllers anymore so

how accurate

is it how effective is it you know from what i

understand it’s not the best but i have

never noticed it not being accurate

i think it’s pretty accurate

so i’ve heard

the so as long as you’re not playing like a

first person

shooter or something

where you’d have i

think it’s good enough for that i

think it’s good

enough for that i

think it’s really

based on lighting and

clothing because

the girl i was

with was wearing a

dress and it couldn’t detect her

separate legs

so it was kind of fucking up

so she took off her

dress and then

it worked perfect

it’s a trick it wanted you to be a whore

exactly that’s what it is that’s right

that’s what i told her it’s because you have a

dress on too much

clothes on god what are you doing over here

that’s crazy so now what if you’re

using it as a

first person

shooter how do you pull triggers

see i don’t know i

haven’t played a

first person

shooter but what i

would imagine

i don’t know that’d be weird

yeah i don’t know how they’re

gonna do it

we can’t talk

about that one

thing but there is a

crazy first person

shooter that

we can’t talk

about something no no why

not because i don’t

think it’s known

somebody tell us this no

that the the

video that i showed you that

kevin pereira

might have showed us

oh right right

right right

right yeah yeah that’s all incognito

i don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about

yeah because you got to

think of a guy if you’re doing a

first person

shooter you got

got to deal with two

things one how

do you simulate movement like how do you go forward

you know you’re running how do you run forward

and how does the machine know you’re running back

yeah because you’re not moving forward though no

i think it’s

something to do with your hands like because with the

dance game it was like

you do something

like that that means forward you go like this and you

shake your hand to the

right that means you’re shooting

ideally what you

want is like a giant

dome or a ball

rather and you be inside that ball like a

hamster ball

right and that ball

you have like some sort of a 3d helmet on like

a complete you know

what is it virtual reality

complete virtual reality helmet on

and then you

would be walking around with this ball you

could walk in any direction

you know it

wouldn’t feel totally real

like you would kind of be realizing that you’re

on a ball and you’re

stuck in this you know in this

thing but that

would be i mean

other than that how the fuck else

could you simulate movement

unless you just did it

inside like the

virtual reality then it

wouldn’t be

virtual anymore

you’d have to do it inside like

put a program and then make make a program the

exact parameters of say an airplane hangar

right and then you have an

empty airplane

hangar and they walk around inside that hangar

yeah it’s all

wired and you

could do it that way but then that kind of

defeats the

whole purpose of

virtual reality

right yeah the idea is that you’re

supposed to be able to do it wherever you are yeah

would you ever go to burning man

no why not too many hippies

too many hippies

i learned about hippies when i

moved to boulder

i like them in theory yeah

i like them in theory

i don’t i don’t

like a lot of people that are asking for

money all the time i find that shit be very annoying

i don’t like

people playing shitty songs and wanting a dollar

right you know

for the most part they’re cool but

you know there’s just

there’s too much

of that hippie movement that wants people to help them

you know and

this is how i feel

about that if i felt like

everybody was on the ball and everybody was doing

their best and

you know i’m a

generous person and i

think one of the

things about being

generous is

if you have the opportunity to do so

it feels really good to be generous

especially if it

doesn’t affect you it’s not like you’re being

generous and it’s hurting you

so i think it’s important but

in passing say you’re passing love to the left

and there’s a big circle of people man

the real problem is there’s a lot of fucking people

that never keep passing

the love they take it and then they walk away you know

there’s some people that are always there for you

there’s some people

and they’re doing

their best and they’re they’re they’re living

their life and you’re doing

your best you’re living life and you’re helping each

other and you hey man can i borrow

your truck i

gotta move fuck yeah

man come on over dude anytime you got my shit you know

you know we’re friends you help me i help you

we’re all together but we all know

those the few people that they don’t

contribute they always need something and they don’t

contribute and my

experience that’s my

experience with hippies

that’s my experience with

lot of people that you know

are like really into like socialist ideals

a lot of it is because

they’re fucking lazy man

they’re fucking lazy and

they don’t work that hard and they don’t do their part

and they somehow or another feel like the whole

system is unfair man

which fuck yeah of course it is of course it’s unfair

of course it’s corrupt of

course it’s fucked up but that’s not why you’re a loser

there’s a lot of people that aren’t losers

most people are losers

cause they’re lazy as shit

and they wanna

blame other people for that and they

wanna blame society and they

wanna blame

look society is

completely fucked but

guess what it’s

not like this one person that makes it fuck the

whole thing is

it’s fuck cause it’s on a

foundation of bullshit

it doesn’t make any

sense but knowing that

you see what it is

make your path

make your path

figure out something that you can do to feed yourself

okay figure out something you can

do to put a roof over your head just figure it out man

fucking figure it out

it doesn’t mean you have to be a fucking asshole to be

successful doesn’t mean you have to be a part of the

system man no just

stop asking people for

money stop being a fucking mooch

get your shit together okay

that’s my problem with hippies

my problem with hippies is

part of the

whole idea of being a hippies

being like really nice and being really relaxed

and sometimes life does not call for that

sometimes life calls for you

gotta get off your fucking ass

and make something happen man

yeah you know

there’s a lot i had a friend who

his girlfriend

was having a baby this is many many years ago

and i had a

fucking scream at this guy this guy was unemployed

and he was like you would

he couldn’t get his shit together

he couldn’t make something

happen he was trying to be a comedian for a while

that didn’t work out

and then he was trying to do some

other stuff

trying to do some

radio and a

bunch of and we had this conversation and i’m like man

you gotta realize you’re

gonna become that fucking guy

you’re gonna become that

unbelievably pathetic guy who can’t feed his kids

right you gotta fucking do something man you

gotta make something happen

and you know it’s not

hey you know we really need some food you

think you could help us

that’s the hippie

approach to go to people and

you gotta make your own fucking way you

gotta make your own way

and that was my problem with boulder

and that would

ultimately i’m sure it’d be my problem with portland

it’s a bit of my problem with san francisco and it’s

not that i’m not a kind person i’m a very kind person

but i recognize the difference between

someone who’s in need and someone who’s fucking lazy

and there’s a lot of people that are just weak

they’re weak as shit man and they have

no philosophy to live

their life by they have no

discipline that

they’ve developed over years of trying to accomplish

things to the

point where they have this sense

of personal

sovereignty they can take care of themselves and

occasionally everybody needs help

but if somebody will help you if they

know that you’re the type of person that will help them

and if you know

that you’re the type of person that does

their best what

drives me nuts is when

someone wants help

like motherfucker

you’re not even helping yourself

like look what you’re doing for yourself

and you want someone

else to step in and manage your fucking situation

that’s ridiculous man

that’s that’s

that is the number one problem with the whole idea

of everyone together man

the real problem is that everyone

doesn’t do their fucking part man

that’s the real problem

there’s a lot of lazy bitches in this world

yeah the reason why i was asking

about burning man is i

often thought the same

thing like fuck hippies

you know because i’ve been there done that i hate it

you know i hated

the people to that the lazy if there’s good there’s

great hippies

there’s legit hippies

right but i hung out with bad hippies they got bad you

like everything else it’s like mma fans

you know i have a lot of friends that are

mma fans i have friends have

graduated from harvard

friends that are fucking i know guys who are scientists

the guy who created

beavis and butthead mike judge huge

mma fan there’s a lot of intelligent

mma fans yeah

but then there’s a lot of

idiots yeah

but i was looking at

these videos lately cause the girl goes

every year or whatever

and so there is some fucking cool shit

going on at burning man i’m sure like

and i guess you can rent

these big rvs you know and that’s the way to do it so

they have your rv don’t like live in a tent or whatever

they have showers and stuff

but there’s this

thing called i don’t know if you ever

heard of it

they’re called

let’s see what are they called

her most shit

it’s zero tropes have you

heard of a zero trope

zero trope i’m

sorry zoe trope

zoe trope z o e

t r o p e what it is

is it’s like a carousel type

thing like a

merry go round

and each kind of

a couple feet there’s

a draw or there’s some kind of

sculpture like it’s like a monkey

hanging from

a vine and then the next one like

three feet over

is the same

monkey but it’s kind of

changing a little you

know so when it turns

and you have a

flashing light that just

flashes at a certain rate oh

wow it looks like the

monkeys are moving

so it’s in the

middle of this desert and there’s like they have these

statues of like people diving

down into the ground that just melt into the ground

they have like

these monkey

that are spinning

check this out

right here here’s here’s the

here’s a monkey one

i don’t know if you can see this

here’s a monkey oh that is badass and

it’s fucking trippy

so anyways so basically

they’ve done is animation animation yeah

and just like the old claymation

models i used to use for

king kong and shit

or like an old flip book

where you draw

on a flip pic and you flip it through that’s badass man

i’m down with the artistic end of it

i’m down with

the whole idea of

all these artists getting together and doing cool shit

i just think there’d be a lot of

stinky people

i just wonder why i don’t know or

maybe they have why

doesn’t a collection

of people like yourself

do a comedy show

while they’re there

cause that is

huge no i’d rather not perform there

if i was gonna go there

i’d just wanna hang out have

fun well i mean you can

hang out before

and imagine performing once

like a woodstock of comedy

psychedelic comedy

there would be so much mushrooms and so much

everything else

going around

i would be too fucked up

i wouldn’t want to be talking on

stage through a microphone

that’s the last

thing you want to do when you’re on

shrooms oh i mean yeah you just don’t do shrooms that

hour and a half two

hours yeah i

think if you’re there you just want to

experience it that’s what i

would want to

do yeah i perform enough man i perform plenty

you know i think

freddy soto used to say this

back in the day you

know people used to offer freddie gigs at like bars and

stuff like that is in his like

no thank you i

appreciate it but i only do comedy clubs man that’s it

and that was his he just is like it’s not

worth it man you go to

these bars and everyone’s talking and

you can’t do your act

right you rush it because you’re trying to get

their attention

he was totally right

you know he’s totally right

that’s kind of how i am right now

i only do shows i’ll do

here’s my show i’m doing

it i’m at this theater come see me i’m at this comedy

club come and then

there’s no problems there’s no hassles it is what it is

but if you’re just

two in a fucking like you’re in a tent with some

speakers and you’re on this

stage and all

these people are all

they’re all fucked out of

their minds you know why

should they pay attention to you they shouldn’t

you would feel

illegitimate

standing there

asking them to if you knew that everyone in the

crowd was on mushrooms

you would have nothing to say

unless i’m on mushrooms too what am i

gonna tell you guys

i’m not gonna tell you shit man

you’re communicating with

the alien overlords right now

these beings that have come on asteroids and

their spores have infested this earth

you’re communicating with them through eating them

what i’m gonna tell you some stupid

dick joke yeah you’re pretty pretty

known for being a psychic

psychedelic

speaker i mean

you always do the marijuana shows here in town and

stuff like that for

the same reason to the same kind of people yeah but i

think part of

being into psychedelics and

understanding

psychedelics and have had

psychedelic

experiences it sort of negates

any idea of you

wanting that sort of attention

like doing a show

like when you’re doing a show

the beautiful thing

about a show is that people

enjoy and they have

a good fucking time they come see a comedy show but

that’s not what you want to do when you’re

jazzed out of your head

if you’re on

psychedelics

you don’t wanna go see a comedy show

i don’t wanna see anything

structured i certainly don’t want

someone on stage

forcing there

there’s a lot of

things you say on

stage in a comedy show

that’s just to get a laugh

you know that’s what it’s there for it’s there

to spice up the show to have more fun

and those things will

stand out like

like fucking wet shits in your

underwear they just like

oh what’s this

if you’re on mushrooms

every like jokey joke that you have will just be like

bring doug benson some

black lights and some body

paint might be a good time

doug benson

would just be hugging girls hi you can have a hug too

can we have a hug i’ve

never met anybody

who’s high more consistently than doug benson

yeah every now and then he’ll send me a

tweet you’re high

right now aren’t you a text message you’re high

right now aren’t you

like i know you are

motherfucker it’s so

funny because i

never knew that was real

like when i first

met really when i

first met doug i thought the

whole marijuana

thing was kind of like

an act kind of like an andrew dice clay kind of like

you know like he was doing i mean he

might have smoked weed but i didn’t

think he was

the crazy stoner and

just after hanging out with him that

first night

oh fuck yeah immediately he’s like

every five minutes hey let’s go back to your

hotel room and

smoke some another joint

yeah he those guys like to

go deep man there’s there’s some dudes who go real deep

those guys in involved in the medical marijuana like

those those look like normal and

those guys go so deep

we were not normal but

the cannabis cup that was

the deepest that i’ve ever been there was on melrose

in hollywood

i was one of the judges

and it was at a head shop

and they closed the head shop down they

papered up the window so no one

could see inside

they put a doorman in the back locked the front

and then they turned the

whole thing into this cannabis cup party

really fucking bold move man

because they did this shit in the middle of hollywood

and the place was just

filled with weed

i mean it was

unbelievable and no one stopped they just kept

going deeper and deeper and deeper

until i left

there i went to get something to eat i was like

there’s no way i can

drive home right now

i just got to hang out for a few

hours i had to hang out

i mean most of the time when you’re high

driving is not an issue

because driving

is not any more complicated than walking

you know i mean

as long as you’re not smoking indica

as long as you’re not smoking some dopey weed you know

if you’re driving and you’re high you know just

be extra careful

watch what you’re doing it

doesn’t affect your hand eye coordination i mean i do

jiu jitsu on weed i

kickboxing weed is not a problem but

but i was so high then i was like no fucking way man

there’s no way i’m

gonna drive this

thing and risk not being in control of my senses

i’m gonna have a cup of coffee

and have some

food and just fucking sit back and read my cell

phone for a little bit

go over my notes

i’ll sit down for a bit before i drive home

it was too stupid

because like you get to a certain point

when people are like everybody’s handing you cookies

here’s a vaporizer bag hit this

this is a new blunt

paper that are developed hit that

and everyone’s passing joints left to

right it’s like a

never ending

like a cyclone

of joints getting passed around it was fucking

ridiculous but you get to this

point where

you’re not even high anymore it’s not like you’re

high anymore it’s like you’re not there it’s like

you were in a room

and the room has one window and it’s a circular window

and the room is like four

by four wide you can’t even move it’s not even a toilet

it’s just you you in that room in that circular window

and that circle

window is now how you view the rest of the world

you’re looking out that window

going what the fuck is

going on out there

cause this is crazy

i don’t even know what’s happening out there

that’s what it’s like it’s like you’re detached

from the world you’re so high

you’re detached

you know but

those things if

anybody ever wanted like

some sort of argument

against the

cause right

go to one of

those cannabis cups man

the good thing is man everybody is friendly as fuck

i’ve been to

shit a hundred medical marijuana shows or you know

parties or parties at the playboy mansion

i’ve never seen so much as an argument

never seen a raised voice

yeah never seen a push

never seen anybody get

crazy not even girls you know

i mean every time you go out some girl will be

talking shit to some other girl

everywhere in

vegas and la anywhere so

if you stay around the

night long enough and pay attention you’re

gonna hear some girl yell at some girl

right yeah totally but not in

those weed shows

those weed shows everybody is just so nice

it’s just people if people really realize what it

could do for you

you know so many people like i have a friend who’s like

super organized and like he’s like

really ambitious and

he produces

television shows like

a real go getter very nice guy

and but he’s so anal and

just fucking

wound up about shit he only wears black

he won’t wear anything other than

black oh really his whole

out like you open up his wardrobe it’s black

shirt is it

weird when somebody does that or

would they only wear the

white t shirt like john cap

caparella it’s that his name

do that he only wears

white t shirt

you know like every day

that’s like his outfit yeah

uniform when he goes

to work yeah does he

wear it like when he goes out on dates only that white

t shirt that i don’t know but there’s

definitely a

jask amount of dates what’s up

vagina for me

well yeah but

like there is people like that that like only wear

certain things like

well this dude isn’t just in badly in need of a joint

i keep telling him i go dude just

trust me man just trust me

just try a little weed

it’ll help you relax

like you’re a good guy you got a lot of good

things going on

you just need a little

fresh perspective man and that’s totally true look

you had a live

proofing the

other day on that podcast 98

it was like you just need to

smoke weed immediately

after smoking weed

everything was great

you know podcast 98

aka the disaster

the disaster

brian whitaker

apparently is very

upset with the depictions of him

on that podcast

tweeting mean

things to you yeah he

started attacking me on twitter just like today

it’s like dude

all right the

thing i’m saying is

i’m trying to

make sure that people that

are at home

can listen to this podcast

and understand what’s

going on instead of having a million people

talking at once there’s

no attack on you i understand

what you’re saying so for the people that don’t know

about that podcast and it’s not

worth listening to it wasn’t a good one but

there was just

he just had an

issue where he didn’t know how to

be on a podcast he didn’t know that you can’t talk

while other people are talking

right and it wasn’t you know

he didn’t have a chance to

prepare he just

got thrown into it you know he didn’t even know he was

gonna be doing it

we’ve talked

about him too much

we have talked

about he’s a good dude he’s just

so they’re doing his

thing and it’s hard out there for a pimp

yeah but at

least it’s easier when you work at the improv

you know you get stage time

is that your dig

is that your last dig at him

because he had to

get you you get a lot of people

that hate on you man of course i’ve always had that

ever since i

started talking to you i’ve been getting haters

you start talking to me

yeah man people don’t

respect the red band yeah

cause people

well whenever you do something i mean even

you do comedy people look at it and god looks so easy i

could do that too and you ain’t even

funny i could fucking do that

then you know they look at you and

was you know how to make edit some

videos or something fucking i can do that too

you know they just

they look at

someone who’s in a nice spot and i

think what the fuck why isn’t that me you know

it’s hard to not be jealous man there’s some

some ingrained shit i see with my kids

it’s really interesting the

three year old and the one year old

i sometimes a

three year old

would get upset at the one year old if

the one year old getting too much attention she’ll take

things from her and

stuff and it’s like

they just it’s just nature

nature wants you you

wanna collect all that love

that’s why people develop

great personalities they develop

great personalities

cause they realize somewhere

along the line

with rewards

is that when you have a

great personality the reward is people are

always nice to you you get all this nice energy people

wanna be around you

that’s the reason why

great personalities get invented

because people become whores for

other people’s love

i mean that’s really what it is i mean

it’s a beautiful

thing in both ways

but really the root of it all is that people

really want positive attention

so when you see like little jealousy

and like little kids and then you see jealousy and like

grown adults

you know you see like really

petty shit and haters and

i love to go on like

those gossip blogs

you know and just just to read i don’t even know who

these people are

you know but

someone will you know to be someone from the bachelor

or someone from some i just like to read the comments

just i don’t even know what the fuck the

story’s about

half the time he can’t pay

his baby and you

have mom and they’re in

court whatever whatever what’s

going on in the comments

and i go down in the comments and it just

hates yeah it is

hate evilness

and it’s ridiculous because when people

the biggest

thing is like if it wasn’t for rogan

this and that

i’m like yeah

if it wasn’t

for rogan he saw my work he liked what i did

he hired talking

about me like i’m not even here

i know but what is like a company like nbc

like jay leno should

people are mad at jay like if it wasn’t for nbc you

would be nobody you know

it’s me getting

jo sing my work and then hiring me i got a job

it’s really simple he’s an artist hello

he’s an artist and he was creating

things that i thought were very

worthwhile and so i hired him

it’s really simple pretty easy

and people that

you know there’s a

weird dynamic

people like you know

how are you guys friends you guys are so different like

you don’t have to be the

same as your fucking friends man that’s that’s silly

right you know if everyone was the same then you know

i’ll be running around saying the same shit and cock

blocking each

other listen apollo abdul

opposite to track

is that what you said i think

opposite to

i heard forever you girl the

other day forever

you i miss the

music on the podcast joe

yeah i do too man we can’t

do that shit anymore the serious serious deal is signed

ladies and gentlemen

yeah it’s all done i mean i

haven’t written my name on it they did

just tell yeah but i’m gonna i’m

gonna so we’re

gonna have it on serious it’ll be

twelve episodes we have to get

ready we have to pull

music if we have

music on we have to

check them over

every doing like

episodes we’re gonna

send them twelve

episodes that we’ve ever done accident not twelve

what’s what’s your five top five that you’ve ever top

five well my number one favorite just

just for sheer far out factors always duncan

duncan’s my favorite because

duncan’s just so fucking weird

and like when he

starts chanting buddhist mantras and talking to you

about the bhagavad gita and

you know and he just gets me going man

duncan and i and he

doesn’t have

these conversations he says with anybody else either

like he and

he and i will have just this

weird chemistry

when we get together it’s all

crazy talk the

other day i called him up

called him up yesterday

because i said hey we’re doing the 100 podcast

today you know

maybe you want to

like walk in like halfway in and sit down with us i was

thinking like

maybe that would be cool to have like

guests come over

while we’re doing it

right and he goes i

would love to become he’s

the middle of this show that he’s putting together

and he goes i did the mushrooms last night man

i was surrounded by

elves i have so much to talk to you about

yeah i was scared of fucking he was

surrounded he said i was surrounded by

elves he said i did more mushrooms than i’ve ever done

i was surrounded by el so duncan’s

gonna be in the podcast next week

and he’s gonna tell us this whole

this whole thing

and you recently

went truman up in

so northern california

sylvain it’s like

north of santa barbara

wouldn’t the

world be a better

place if people

just did that if they had retreats you know instead of

going i mean even have

these wine tasting retreats how about

right next to

the wine tasting retreats a mushroom retreat yeah

go there everybody’s

gonna be nice to you it’s all soothing

sounds and you

you know you’re in a comfortable room and

the shaman are all experienced

everybody who works there is professional

you know you pay a couple hundred

bucks a day or whatever the hell you do and you just

castoff it’s pretty amazing how much better wine

tastes when it’s at the vineyard i don’t know why

because it’s all the same it’s modeled

you know is it well

the ones who

offer the tours

are they like

really known

labels yeah oh yeah

these are like the big dogs

like these are

do you remember the names i don’t remember anything

i don’t buy i used to

buy wine by the bottle

like if it’s got a cool bottle

i’ll buy it really yeah

there’s kinds of wines i like

like more lows

you know shit like that

but i just usually go by the bottle like oh that’s a

crazy cat on that

you know yeah i

never used to go

if i was on a date perhaps

back in the day i

would order a

glass of wine or a bottle of wine but i

would never

order a glass of wine

while i was eating dinner

but now i do all the time

i do all the time

i like a nice

strong red wine with like a

steak it just

tastes better it’s like this little

you know this is

thing the flavor is all combining

and as i’ve gotten like

matt lichtenberg my buddy

is a huge wine fanatic he’s like

he’s a wine geek

i mean he has this

crazy wine cellar

in his home with some insane amount of

money worth of wine in it and

he’s one of

those guys that can

tell you why a wine is good and what year it’s good and

you know what what part of the country it comes from

and all that kind of shit

and when when

you’re around a guy like that and they know so much

about why then you

start to sort of

appreciate it like okay this is some weird

tasting art form

it’s like they’re trying to create this ultimate

taste and it’s a very specific taste

and if you’re not it’s a

weird thing like the

whole idea of acquired

taste i used to

think that was so

stupid like why

would you acquire a

taste for something like caviar

the fucking

stuff you know it’s

super expensive and

it really kind of

tastes like shit when you

first take it

why wouldn’t you just

okay it tastes like shit forever and this is what it is

i don’t have to

worry about it anymore

but no people get into it and then they

start getting

more and more expensive

tastes and you’re getting

stuff that’s thousands and thousands of dollars for

these salty fucking

stupid fish eggs

well wine is kind of like that too

and that like the

first time you try wine like

when you’re

like a little kid or something like who the fuck

would get into that

but when you really like

get a nice pinot noir

and a delicious steak

and you’re cut into that steak

and then you have a sip of the wine like ah

all the flavors together

takes a while to

appreciate it

but knowing someone who knows as much

about wine as i do

i mean he tells me so much about

you know it’s all

about how they put it in

what kind of barrels they use to

store it and how they

store it and how long they

store it and

how long has it been bottled for and

it’s pretty amazing

one of the wineries

i went to they did cheese pairings

which is cool because

you never you

think okay they’re

gonna mix this cheese with this wine yeah it’s

gonna just taste like

cheese now if i

still use the word faggot

which i don’t

i might throw it at you

right there i’m being honest

yeah i like

cheese you like cheese i do too you like wine i do i

listen it just

sounds fruity tooty

yeah it does

say i went to a cheese

pairing more

wine tasting dude you

you know how wet that

pussy gets when you’re

going to a wine and

cheese tasting that’s the most

ridiculous wet

pussy you’ve ever had

cause they feel normal

for the first time in

their life like act normal

brian’s a good guy he’s not taking me to see poison

in concert that’s

right he’s taking me to

the motel sticks

it’s a wine tasting

in the middle of

northern california he’s an amazing guy that’s cool

you know what

but you went for the fun of it you didn’t win

it was more like hey

wanna get away not

no internet no work

what’s it like up there it’s beautiful dude

crazy mountains

there’s this huge lake at one

point i forget the name of it

north of santa barbara

is this humongous lake

where it’s just

best fishing

are there families up there or is it just

i saw families

i saw families but it’s a lot of bed and breakfast

is a lot of nice historic old hotels

you know that that you go in and there’s just like

every rooms unique that’s what we stayed at like this

place called

peterson at the inn or the innette peterson

is this near

sani unez yes

yes right next to

the tom leicas used to always

rant and rave

about that man it’s amazing

there was ostrich farms

where it was just huge fields

of ostriches

running around you can go there and get like ostrich

eggs and like hang out with ostriches but they’re

running around they look like dinosaurs they look like

it’s amazing man i

highly recommend if you just want to weekend

out out of la

take the kids go to some farms

it’s pretty relaxing

ostriches are

creepy as fuck man yeah all birds are creepy as fuck

yeah you know i’ve been joking around

about it about you know

in my act a little bit

about the mass bird

deaths that happened

about how birds

are really dinosaurs that survived but they really are

i mean that’s that’s

the closest relative to the dinosaur is the bird

and an ostrich

is a fucking dinosaur it’s a big ass

weird looking dinosaur

yeah with the

taste delicious

you ever get the ostrich

burger fuddr

burgers yes woo

strong right

buy me a coke yeah i’ll buy you coke

you gotta have it rare though don’t be a pussy

you don’t have to worry

about mad cow with

those bitches just

get that shit rare fire that fucker up

feel that that

rare ostrich meat so delicious man yeah

it’s good stuff

would you go camping here in la

tent camping

shit now we go camping

where i can drive home

the only time i go camping is that i’m too far away to

drive home and if i have guns on me

i’m going hunting with

ricky schroeder are you really yeah we’re

going we’re

going to this

ranch where you

could shoot boar

and they even have bison at this ranch

and it’s like you pay them

for whatever you shoot

and then you go out onto there they have this

giant hunk of property out near

riverside out near

san diego that way

and so i’m going

oh that’s cool man yeah i’ve been wanting to go for a

while i’m supposed to go hunting in

october with

randy couture

natural randy couture

we’re going

for a tv show

so before that i’m

gonna get some in with ricky

that guy loves hunting man

when i talked to him

about his eyes lit up and everything

he wants to come back on the podcast oh

i was gonna say

ricky to me was one of my favorites

my favorites

were always the out of nowhere people like the

ricky schroeder

or even kevin prayer i

think was one of my favorite ones of all time

kevin was awesome

rick has got some interesting

stuff going on

right now too man he just

got some serious skin cancer removed from his face are

you serious yeah

oh you gotta be

people walking around outside without sunscreen man be

fucking careful if you see some little mark on you man

people die from

weird skin little

things when you’re out there getting burnt you don’t

think it’s a big deal

and then you get melanoma

he had a big

chunk of his face removed man fuck he’s got a big scar

right on his temple did

you get checked a lot

yeah well i’m not at risk

because i’m

fairly dark skinned i get tan pretty

easily but i don’t fuck around the sun man

but he’s rick is

he’s pale you know he’s like

white like paper

you know you

gotta be careful

as fuck and he’s always out in the sun he’s like

mr outdoorsy you know he’s got this

giant piece of property

and he’s got property in colorado

ricky schroeder is an interesting guy man he’s a

super outdoorsman character he’s always out there like

chopping wood and shit and

getting things done he’s

like wishes he lives on a farm or something like that i

think growing up poor

yeah rather growing up super rich

and growing up rich and

famous from the time as

early as he

can remember he was a celebrity and he was rich

so he’s always had so much fucking

money that i think

he likes driving around pickup trucks

he likes like doing like manual

labor and shit like that

but when you do that you

gotta put your sunscreen on homie

yeah especially

california out here in this

fucking heat the sun constantly beating down on you

people get cancer you

gotta be careful i have a

bunch of moles i’m a very moldy

motherfucker

but my mom’s

had a few cut out and so really yeah so i recently went

because there’s this

one that i have on my back that always is like crunchy

know it’s like

you know it’s kind of it’s it’s like it’s not good

yeah it’s not good it’s not crunchy it just feels like

different than all the

other ones you know

and sometimes you know imagine if that was your problem

they pull that out and all

sudden boy you get

think clear and

fucking start

going to the gym

just that mold was like a little vampire

just sucking the life out of you so

i went there and she’s like no that’s fine it’s normal

and i’m like really

why is it no that’s just the kind it is or whatever

and then she showed me

pictures like if it ever looks like this

come back what’s in you

gotta look it’s

annie oakley

style look at your back

we’re exactly what the fuck is that about

what is it what

is it supposed to look like when it’s bad

it’s like it’s

like red around it it looks kind of like it

when she showed me was like oh yeah yeah that looks bad

you know not this

little little mole that’s a little flaky or whatever

yeah when are they

gonna fix that

moles can kill you

yeah keep a good eye on your mole because it

might be a bomb

yeah how are you supposed to see that i mean

yeah especially if you got it in a weird

place like what if he died of a mole that was like

right near your asshole

right who looks in

their asshole

yeah you know

i only look at assholes in

hotel rooms

that’s like

a girl’s asshole you look at a girl’s asshole if you’re

banging her

from behind but do you look at your own in a

hotel room yeah

cause that’s the only time

where there’s good

lighting and good

mirrors i’ll sit on the

counter and just fucking

spread open and go oh look at my butthole

really once in a

while you should

check it out just to look at it hmm

i mean when

was the last time you looked at your butthole

it’s been a long time exactly

what if you opened it up and there was this big purple

wait for signals from it

if it’s sending me signals saying there’s something

wrong constant itching

weird noises

then i’ll go

check it out

fucking itchy asshole have you ever had an itchy

asshole like

it for like a couple days it was non

ck bit it’s also a dane cook bit

that’s weird how dane cookie was

thinking that was

a very common joke

that does happen

i actually we’ve all had itchy assholes

i was thinking

about itchy assholes and i was like oh yeah that’s

right there’s like 3 000 jokes

about itchy assholes

yeah there’s

quite a few

i mean the issue with dane and

louis obviously was that

louis had done it

first but yeah

butthole jokes are

quite common

yeah if you

if you think

about a subject

and it’s an obvious

subject for a joke chances are someone’s already done

100 jokes on it

you know when i looked up the other day

i’m writing this

chapter in my book

and it has to do with porn

and so i was talking

about the moment

that i realized that the internet was taking porn to a

whole new level

was the moment

i forget who it was it

might have been duncan

sent me an email and the

email heading said home run

and then i opened up the

email and it

just said i love people in all capital letters

and a link so i

click the link

and it opens up it’s belladonna

on all fours with a baseball bat

stuffed in her asshole

i mean it’s

stuffed in there

fat end first

which i didn’t even

think was possible

and i remember

double facepalming like the home

alone kid and going

this bitch is just taking shit to another

level she stuffed the baseball

and then i thought about it

or is she taking it to another level

and i went and did a google search

and there’s two million

eight hundred thousand

hits for baseball bat in the ass yeah

it’s normal

and you know what

normal shit

no you know when she

when she did that she used to tweet about

that where she was stretching it out for like a

whole week like i got a big anal scene

you know and so she had like all

these butt plugs and she just

spent the week getting

ready for doing shit like that

you know she doesn’t do porn anymore i

heard i heard she retired

well she had that really sad interview

i don’t remember what it was for whether it was

nightline or one of those shows but

you know where they

they you know they made her feel bad

about it and you know and they

asked her you know what

happened to you how did you become this porn star and

they kind of like go over her past and shit like that

and then at the end she was like you

know i’m done i’m not doing this anymore and then they

found out afterwards she had done some more

movies after

the you know

after she said that all

right it was

weird was like

you know you kind of

wanted to root for her to get out of it and then she’s

still in it and it’s like

you know fucking

not everybody

could be a ballet

instructor okay

some some people are

gonna be porn stars and by the time they’re that

age where they’re gonna be porn stars

man the least of

their problems is fucking on film that’s the least of

their problems is that baseball in their ass that’s the

least their problems

the big problem is what

what have you

become that you’re letting someone put a baseball bat

in your ass what has happened to you to get you to this

point it’s not the bat itself that’s not the real issue

it’s who who are you

like what kind of a strange person are you

that you you know

you’ve got your asshole up in the air and there’s a

giant log in it a big fucking bat

and then there’s 2

million 800 000 hits of that always

yeah but then you also

think about it

if that only

is bad if you look if you

think it is bad

you know like

if i don’t think that’s good for anybody’s asshole

if it’s like hey i

could put yeah i know but

hey i could put a baseball bat

in my ass that

equals 20 000

okay do you think

they get paid that much

cause i don’t

think they do

no i don’t think they do either i

think it’s a couple

grand if they’re

lucky and i think that

might have been during the heyday

you know i think nowadays

you know those

girls were getting like half million dollar vivid deals

you remember i remember

hanging out with jenna

jameson’s husband and he was

a producer and he was giving me the whole

skinny on how much

money there is in the porn industry and this dude

you know he

had all the numbers and i was like that is incredible

like there was so much money

and then the internet came

along the internet just robbed them all

yeah sucked it all away and now i mean

how the fuck do you make

money now doing porn well i

think there’s

definitely still

money there it’s more

you just have to do more

like i know a lot of

these girls they’ll do like

a spanking video and make 500

then they’ll

do another video

later that day

where it’s just them

masturbating

and they get a thousand you know so it’s like

then you think

of it that way he’s like alright you just made 2 000

today and is it for a website is that what it’s

for most of

these are websites

you know fetish websites or you know exchanging content

i think that

the the weirdest

thing about

knowing all

these pornstars i

think the saddest

thing is not even what

how they got into it or that they

do it because i don’t have a problem with it is that

their future

because a lot of them don’t have it

an idea yeah once that they’re now

athletes yeah

they’re like

fighters i mean is that

where you go to

you know like a

truck stopper

is that really

older woman then you’re just like wow she used to be a

yeah you know playboy bunny

well you know

look this avenue

this internet avenue has opened up the door

to the point

where there’s way way way more porn stars than they’re

everywhere back in the day

you know and porn is so much more available

when i was a kid

the way you got porn was magazines

when i was a kid

vhss came out

while i was in high

school i remember

we got one it was like a big deal at our house

you know and

my dad had a couple

my stepfather had a couple

laying around the

house too and i got to watch

those two and i was like what the hell is this you

know to go from like

it never existed or

every now and then you saw a

magazine and the

weird thing

about those

magazines were

they had rules

so you’d buy a porn

magazine but there was

rules and one of the rules was the man couldn’t have a

heart on yeah

they still have

those rules really yeah like

where they can’t show insertion

in certain magazines but some

magazines they can yeah

but back then it was all

magazines back then there was no

magazines that showed hard ons

and i think i mean none that you could find

and it was like you’d ask the guy at the

counter if you were bold

you know at

the bookstore but you really want to

ask him like hey how come nobody’s dick’s hard

what’s going on here

you don’t really

bring it up to him

but there was always like

these weird

poses where

they were being like not just one but like 20 different

poses and in each one of them

the girls like

moaning like she’s an xc

and the dude

doesn’t have a heart on

right again

every one of them it’s like

what is the message that they’re trying to send you

you know what is

the message that they’re trying to send you is it that

this is just how the universe works and that women

that are way hotter than you

could ever possibly

imagine will always wind up with gay guys

and you’re gonna be

alone by yourself

jerking off onto

pictures of them

is that what it is what is

the message

why can’t they have hard ons they’re

naked and they’re there

and then the

reality of it all comes into play because you see all

these 20 different scenes

you’re like this

bitch is not giving up in

every scene

she’s super enthusiastic

she seems non judgmental this guy can’t get it up

and she’s doing

everything for him she’s posing

she’s got her ass up in the air

she’s lying on her back with a leg

spread sucking on her fingers she’s

letting him pick her up and he’s holding her by the

ants and his dick’s

still limp it’s

still limp and this

bitch is just there for him

the whole way

she’s like soup some way

eventually he’s

gonna get a hard on i know it

i just keep posing for him

until she’s in all

these weird poses and

never loses interest

never has the you

know should be like at

least the 18th or 19th pose

she should be like what the fuck like what’s

going on like

why do you have my legs spread

spread and you

know you’re laying your limp dick on my pelvis

right you know

like a drowning

victim just pulled ashore

it’s like slop

i mean that’s

what it’s like he’s got his limp dick and he’s

laying it on her pelvis

like who’s that for

who doesn’t want hard dicks like

who is this

this is where

this is where we draw the line

you want to get all naked and

crazy and pretend you’re fucking

so if you had to look

at a dick it was either hard or lamp you would pick

hard all the time

if i had to look at a dick

it depends if i’m beating off

the last thing you want to do is be

beating off to a dude with a limp

dick so you

would rather have hard

dicks yeah because you can’t even imagine that that

would feel good

you’d feel like that the guy

would be embarrassed and that it feels

pointless and

she doesn’t feel good because he’s not even

excited and so there’s a lot of

weird shit going on there

at least if the guy has an erection

while he’s feeling good it feels good and at

least she’s

happy that she

can give him an erection it’s a much more positive

experience is it hotter for you if the dick is

black or white

i can’t really relate to

black dicks see i always like but

i can relate to a

black dick if it’s big

but then a little tiny

micro white dick

yeah i’d rather have

hard black dick fucking a girl

because for some reason to me that’s

worth naughtier

or something like that’s all you

take that big

black dick you

know really yeah really so you find yourself

saying that as you’re doing the stroking motion

why whisper it

take it back

what for real

it makes it more naughty to you yeah it just seems like

oh you’re getting fucked for realsies

i remember some girl

for realsies

some girl came to the comedy

store one night and she

gave us the rules of

being a porn star she was i

think she was with ron jeremy

and she was like

you know rule number one is don’t fuck

black guys until they pay you

you have to you can’t do it right away don’t fuck them

until they pay you

rule number two is no anal for a long time you gotta

keep it to yourself

and like you have strategies

on what you hold back when you do porn oh yeah

honey it’s a business

oh yeah honey

it’s a business

wow yeah they

strategize when to give up

for the black dick

you can’t just

right away start fucking black eyes

hey hey hey hey settle into that a little

like some girls like

like jenna jameson

never fucked a

black guy well that’s a big

thing important once you go

black you’re actually considered different

than if you did

it’s like a

weird so why do girls

why do any girls do

black guys just i mean for

their career why do they do that uh

maybe i don’t know

they’re just easy yeah

they’re just they

just want to fuck

black guys i

guess yeah maybe

maybe they don’t care

maybe they’re there for

equal rights i

guess but a lot of the porn

buyers are southern and

stuff like that and once you fucking

black i don’t want it

stupid slut

please there’s a disproportionate

amount of all interracial porn sold in the deep

south is that

it yeah i just do a whole joke

about that that’s

right yeah it’s true

story it’s a true statistic

yeah a disproportionate amount is so then it’s not

black guys buying that stuff

it’s it’s it’s scared

white guys gonna look at in nigga

fucking that

white woman

oh man i can’t believe what he’s doing

right now to her oh yeah

stop looking me in the eyes

stop bitch oh

yeah i think that

that whole black white

thing eventually is gonna go away

i think we’re all

gonna be like one strange shade of gray

you know one mocha

one something mexican we’re all

gonna be mexican we’re all gonna be mexican yeah yeah

this it’s not the

black white

thing can’t

last it only lasted back when people couldn’t move to

other places

when you were

stuck in china

and everybody else was in

china well you fed

off the same gene pool and you produced chinese people

but once the africans got to

the northern africa

and egypt and

things started getting

weird and they took over cairo

and then they move into

other places and then the moors

hit sicily and then all these

fucking the spaniards

come over on boats and fuck the american indians and

eventually eventually we’re gonna be a

world culture

i just don’t see how you can keep people

from interbreeding for the next

millennia i just don’t see it happen i

think in the next thousand years

we’re all gonna be one

shade you know

you think that’s what happened when neanderthals

neanderthals got

assimilated into the

population they used to

think they went extinct

but now they think

they sort of went extinct because

women wouldn’t fuck them

but men would fuck the women

men human men

would fuck neanderthal

women and make

babies with them

but neanderthal

men were like what the fuck nothing nothing

they just got on the outs

hmm that would be

weird what would that one

final species

look like well

maybe that’s the end of the

world once you make jesus

well it’s probably

gonna look like aliens

yeah you know i mean you look at the gray

alien the model

alien this big

big head and

you know sexless body and you

know and no muscle tone and

that’s probably

the next stage i mean if you look at

monkeys and then you look at us and

what is the difference well

our heads aren’t

the monkeys have

smaller heads our heads are bigger

our muscles aren’t as big we’re softer

we last longer we have

nutrition and information and all that stuff but

physically we’re far weaker than the chimps

know and then well then they’re

gonna be more weak than us with bigger heads

their heads are

gonna be bigger they’re

gonna be more uh

more smooth and less muscular and sinewy

because they’re not

gonna need that they’re

never gonna be in combat

you never gonna be

fighting for

their life against

other bodies and

trying to take down animals to eat them they’re

moved way way way way past that shit

that’s i mean

the human alien connection

for a lot of people they believe that what

their alien

image represents whether it’s real or imagined

what it represents is

humans from the future

and that the

eventual metamorphosis of the

human animal

the morphing the

evolving will

ultimately lead to something like that

we look at inherently all our issues well

first of all we have

sexual issues

we have emotional issues we have

anger issues we have all

these things well

all the depictions of the

aliens they’ve gone

completely past all that shit

you eliminate all your

sexual issues

if you can reproduce outside of

a male female environment if you’re able to reproduce

completely in

laboratories or in

petri dishes or

whatever the fuck they’re doing

you know if the

human animal moves past reproduction

in a natural way

i mean that

might be what if they

found out that

babies were 100

smarter and they lived

twice as long and they were

five times more

resistant to diseases

if you raise them in

a test tube

everybody raised them outside

of the womb and some new machine that someone created

well every woman

would want that why

would you want your kid to be

stupid because you want to

carry it around inside you

you selfish cunt

put the baby in the machine

right you know so that’s what they

would do and that’s inevitable they’re

gonna eventually come up with something like that the

human body can only do so much you know the human body

they’re already

figuring out artificial

parts they already devise artificial

hearts they’ve come up with artificial

leaves that make

photosynthesis

we’re gonna have artificial

wounds artificial electricity you know

those artificial trees

so we’re gonna be able to make electricity

yeah we’re gonna be able to make electricity the

solar power

there’s another

thing that i got from transcendent man that

the ray kurzweil documentary that i watched

fucking awesome shit man

but he talks about the

upcoming advances in

solar powers

solar powers

gonna be the shipments gonna be

driving cars man

they’re gonna have

solar powered cars of the next twenty

thirty years it’s all

all eventually is moving us towards the aliens man

i mean they really might be

the ideas of

i don’t believe

i don’t believe they

exist or that they don’t

exist i don’t believe that you know people are

really seeing flying

saucers and i don’t believe that

everything that people see

is a government

spacecraft it was very possible that

could be something

from another dimension or something from another

world or something from some

some even even hoki

ridiculous cliche description from like a 1950 sci fi

movie i’m not discounting the possibility that

but i’ve looked at all

these different people that all

their stories and all their

it doesn’t jive

man it doesn’t jive

to me i have

an awesome bullshit detector

i’m currently reading this john mac book john mac was

actually a professor at harvard who

started doing

post past life

hypnotic regression shit with people

you know hypnotic regression not not past life but in

their past like

abduction stuff

because he was dealing with all

these different people that had

very very similar

experiences

where they were abducted

repeatedly over many times in

their life but

i’m looking at the work and i’m reading his

stuff and i’m

like god this is so embarrassing it’s like

squirrely work

it’s like this guy has

gone he’s made a

conclusion in his mind already

and what he’s doing in his work is not like

he’s not exploring all the

possibilities he’s kind of like pushing towards this

conclusion and

the latest one that i’m reading is

it’s so sloppy

because he’s telling all

these stories

about all these people and all

their depictions of

their experiences

how about you tell me how

crazy that person is on a one to ten

tell me ask me what

do they think

about astrology

what do they

think about

tarot cards

what do they

think about crystals or mind reading what do they

think about the loch

ness monster

i want to know a lot of

other shit about

these people i don’t want to know

about what their

experience was like

first when i was eight

you know i was

alone in a cab and i knew something was there

with me i saw the dark eyes in the corner of the room

really were you on lithium

were you crazy are you

crazy at all is anyone else in your family crazy

because there’s a lot of

crazy motherfuckers out there

and they tell some

crazy stories

and all you need to know

about this whole

ufo abduction

experience the one

most important

point is that it all happens at night

well when the fuck are you dreaming

when the fuck do you have the most

realistic bizarre

dreams the other

night i had some

crazy fucking

dream i was on a dragon

i was reading from these

that the words

would light up on fire as you read them so you

could only read it once

i mean this is bizarre

yeah it was a cool ass

dream but it was a fucking

dream all right

it was really obvious to me when i woke up like wow

what a crazy ass dream

well what is a dream

well what a

dream is is your mind reaches a certain

state in rem sleep

where rapid eye

movement takes place and

all sorts of

crazy chemicals

psychedelic chemicals

start being produced by your body

and they all pass the

blood brain

barrier and you have all

these nutty fucking

experiences and

you and your cousin mikey

and you’re on

sleds and you’re running from godzilla

what is that

is that real sleds

should we investigate whether there’s

sleds in space

whether godzilla is real no

no you should say

when did this happen

oh i was sleeping

oh you were dreaming

right yeah probably

when were you abducted by aliens

while i was in bed

do you think you were dreaming

no it was so real oh okay

let’s write a book on how real it was

and you gotta say

no it was so real

well a lot of them

the interviews that they do with them are so telling

they’re really fascinating

and not necessarily that the people are

stupid and it’s

not even necessarily that

they’re lying

cause a lot of them i don’t

think are lying

i think what a lot of them are is

first of all people live some

boring ass fucking shitty lives

they’re boring as fuck

and if something happens and all of a

sudden that something gives your life meaning

like oh my god

instead of it being some

sleep paralysis

thing where

your brain has this endogenous dump of

psychedelic chemicals that are natural

in the brain anyway

instead of that being the case

like no no no i have been

visited and i have information

that i have to give to the people of the world

well you know if you have a natural

psychedelic

experience or if you have

a real psychedelic

experience where you take a drug and

you’re planning it out

either one is

going to give you a very similar

experience and that

experience is

what you’re doing is totally

wrong everybody’s

fucked up you need to get your shit together

how about an

analysis of yourself an analysis of life on the planet

and let’s look at this

other than the way we’re looking at it

right now because this obviously isn’t working

this is the theme

to every mushroom trip the theme to

every acid trip the theme to every

time you eat a pot

brownie you want to reconstruct the

whole thing and put it back together again

in a way that’s rational and that makes sense

you know and

this experience

these people are having whether the

aliens are telling them well

we need to get your shit together yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah you’re high dude

you’re high you’re

tripping you’re seeing

things in a closet

it’s that simple there’s no evidence man

there’s no all

these people that are

oh i got a nick on my shin look this is

where they pulled out the implant

get the fuck out of here

crazy you really

think that aliens are

gonna leave

little scars on you and they’re

gonna pull him

you pinched yourself you

crazy fuck you

pinched yourself and made your own scar

you you naughty

bitch not to mention that there’s so much

technology now

that that people probably do kind of like

pranky shit you know like i got

these like helicopters that look like you know

and that you

know problem

control helicopters

and stuff like that

well there’s also

government stuff

that guy in

philadelphia the other day

thank you whoever you are

some guy came to the show

and handed me

handed the manager a book

and the book got to me and it’s all patents

on aircrafts that the government has like us patents

for experimental aircrafts

oh very cool it’s fucking nuts man they’re this

crazy looking

klingon looking

ships and ufo looking

things what’s the book called that

sounds it’s

not it’s not a book oh he just put it together yeah he

put it together so

it was pretty dope that’s pretty sweet yeah

and so you know i mean you just look at the

things that the government has

and has admitted to designing and creating

i mean this is like a fucking

a giant amount of a man

when we were doing fear factor we were out at

edwards air

force base near

edwards air

force base i

think it was edwards

it’s out like near

we were in palmdale whatever the air

force base is out there it’s a big one and

i think it’s edwards

and they were flying

stealth bombers

and dude that is some crazy shit

this was the beginning of the iraq war it’s like 2002

and they fly

those things overhead dude you

swear to god you

swear to god you’re in star wars man

you swear to god you like that is

that is some shit from the

death star when you

watch something fly overhead

they don’t make much noise

and they look like fucking alien

spacecraft it’s dope

like you look at them like that is a fucking

stealth bomber

you can’t see that

thing with radar man

that’s that’s something designed to

sneak up on you and

fuck you from the sky

and you can’t even see it coming

and it’s black like the sky

so like you look up you see just

blackness and it’s

black too you’re fucked

yeah you’re fucked

shit’s badass

yeah it’s you know it’s all

who designed for killing people who

do you want on the podcast in the future what is your

dream people to get on

i know isn’t adam

carolla coming yeah adam’s coming

next week he’s

gonna be here on the

26th adam carol will be there so that what is out of

seven days from today yeah

yeah adam’s

gonna be on you know what man

my dream has already been

not just reached but surpassed

when we first

started doing this when you and i

first started doing this in episode

one we were just fucking around man we were just

sitting in front of the computer and

we just thought it

would be fun to have

some little kind of

silly show that we

would do for people that were on the message board

that’s mostly what it was and people on twitter

you know but now it’s become like a

radio show now it’s become

this way to

tell people

about shows

that it never had before you know what used to be

you would go on a

radio show and

you would hope that some

of the people listening were your fans or hope that you

could say something

funny enough to convince them

you know on the radio

it’s in the morning you’re fucking half

awake random

people listening

it’s random people listening and who knows if you’re

gonna jive with the

djs like there’s a

radio station in houston that

apparently is

still mad at me

for being on their

radio show back in

i guess it was like fear factor days like 2002 or 2003

and they apparently

still talk shit about me

about what they had

me on and i remember they wanted me and i was probably

tired and if i came off rude i didn’t mean to

but they wanted me to eat some stuff

first of all they wanted me

to eat some big hamburger they had and i’m like no no

thank you i

watch when i eat

and also in the morning i have hypothyroidism so i take

a thyroid medication

and when i take

it i can’t eat anything for like an hour

so i was on this

radio show and they’re trying to get me to eat this

stupid thing that they made in an easy bake

oven i was there i actually filmed that did you yeah

those people are

mad at me are you

still mad they

still talk shit

about me like i’m the

worst person they’ve ever had on their show

and i didn’t

even know that i didn’t even know they had an issue

until i left and

apparently they were talking

about me when i wasn’t there

when i was there they were nice as pie to me

but then when i left

they started talking like what

i was so rude

they had a gag

and i wasn’t into

their gag and i didn’t go

with it it was

stupid shit it is

stupid and you know what they’re not comedians man and

maybe they’re not on my vibe

not on my frequency

they’re on their own frequency

and they thought

it’d be fun they thought it’d be cool if i played

along but i didn’t want to eat their

thing and they didn’t adjust

they didn’t

adjust so then i’m like why the fuck am i doing this

and then it’s like

look when you do

radio stations there’s a lot of different kind of

radio djs some of them are really cool and easy to do

and easy to do

their shows

and other ones they want

more attention

than you and they’re a little squirrely and they don’t

like the fact that you’re on tv and they’re on the

radio and they get to be cunty

you know they get to be

weird and they’re looking for something to be

wrong with you

so if you’re coming from some fucking

television show and you won’t eat

their stupid easy bake oven thing

you become an asshole instead of

if that was me

and i had a

guest on like come on eat the easy bake

oven and you won’t do it

i’d be like what kind of an idiot am i

and i’m getting

this guy to eat something this is all i’ve

planned for this fucking thing

i could be asking him

a million interesting questions like we’d be talking

about all kinds of

crazy stuff

but instead

i’m pissed that he won’t eat my

fucking tuna casserole out of a fucking easy bake oven

so these people

apparently are

still upset at me

well used to used to

have to deal with

those kind of people in the past now i don’t have that

doesn’t mean anything anymore

every show that i do now i do nothing for no press

i mean i did preston and

steve i called up

for philly but it was

after the shows were already sold out but

i did it because i like them because they’re cool guys

but when we do

these shows now

we have our own

radio station we have

our own ability

to promote the

shows and probably more listeners than ever than

compared to that

radio station that hates you yeah

well that and it’s all

100 your fans

i hate that word

all hundred percent people who

appreciate your work

right so they already are

enjoying what you do they are

enjoy your podcast

they’re already there for you they like you

you know and so they want to come to the shows

and as opposed to you know doing a

radio show and

trying to get people out there to listen and like you

and that’s why people like

those people

these mediocre

folks in houston

that’s why they

you know they have like

that’s why they have

power their only

power was that they’re the ones who get to talk on this

radio show meanwhile

they’re not even they have no

talent there’s nothing

going on there they’re just talking people

they’re just dum dums

and then they play music

they sort of

hijack your attention span for a few minutes

while you wait for the next cool song to

start playing

they’re just sitting

there reading your wikipedia page most of the time

so joe rogan

i heard that you that

wouldn’t even

be a problem for me

i just don’t

you know i just i don’t know why they’re

still upset at me because

apparently this is some recent interview

oh really i didn’t even know

about i don’t even know who they are i don’t even know

where station is

i don’t care it was justin it’s there look

if it’s all

these years and you’re

still upset that i

wouldn’t eat your

thing that’s on you

that’s on you

100 i didn’t do anything to you

i didn’t break your window didn’t

light your bathroom

on fire you know if i just didn’t eat your thing

that’s on you

it’s the whole

world is filled with different

kinds of people man and if you try to make everybody

happy you will fucking go crazy

i know when i’ve been a douchebag in my past

i know when i’ve done

things where i could have

made this go smoother

i could have just

this isn’t one of

those things this is just stupidity

and i didn’t want to deal with stupidity

you’re going to

texas soon aren’t you

like august or something i

want to go back

yeah i’m going to houston

i think august august

can’t wait that’d be fun

yeah i’m doing that september

again in austin too

oh really yeah

that’s always good time

yeah and plus now

it looks like i’m recording the special in june

so if that happens

then i’ll have

i have to have all new shit

by the time

september rolls around so i got a lot of work to do

right that’s

exciting man

i’ve been writing a lot lately man

cause i’m trying to finish this book

i’ve been writing like crazy man

writing is so fucking satisfying it

might be one of my favorite

things to do

i love the idea that you just sit in

front of that computer and

these ideas just

start dancing in your head they

start dancing you

know they start

arranging themselves on paper

and then sometimes

like when an idea

will come out and then another idea will follow it and

you step back

i step back and look and i’m like wow this

crazy thing that just like happened through me

you know this

crazy idea that you know just happened through me

and then it all like

puts itself onto

paper and then the next

thing you know there’s 100 pages next

thing you know there’s 200 pages it’s like wow it’s

such a fascinating process man the

creative process of actually sitting down and writing

it’s amazing man

i tried last

night i was

gonna write just for a little like an hour

and then get in the tank

but sometimes

every now and then you tap into a vein

and you gotta stay there you can’t go anywhere

i just had one idea that i needed to

write down before i went into the tank

and as i was writing that idea down

something about writing like say if you’re

thinking about a word

like if you’re writing the word experience

it takes longer to

write that word than it is to

think of the concept of

experience so it

allows you to deeply consider

everything that you’re saying

and then oftentimes like when you’re writing i can

seem so much

smarter writing than i ever

could just talking

think yeah yeah

like i mean you talk very like

smart yeah but i’m

waste i just

but i’m way

smarter writing that i am talking

it’s it’s what

because you can consider

everything much more

you know you get a chance to look at it

you know you you really

get to know someone like and that’s another beautiful

thing about this podcast you get to know someone

when you’re talking

to them for a long time you get to know like how their

brain works

you know like you

could write

things out like that’s what that was used to

drive me crazy

about presidential

speeches and shit like that

that they have people writing them for them

that is so fucked up

this is time right

cause they have to give like a

speech like

every fucking day almost

can’t you just

speak from the heart

yeah but there’s probably

things they have to just

touch on they’re

probably not like writers like this is what you have

to say it’s more like taking your ideas and making a

speech form because i mean they

literally have to do like

probably two or three

speeches a day

if you looked at

obama’s like

really does he do truth

yeah they’re always

going to colleges or talking

here with representatives you know they’re always doing

speeches if you look at his

schedule like there’s that one time

where they followed him around

for a week i

forget what program did it and it was just like his

schedule is pretty much from when he wake up

just going from one

place to another giving a speech

giving a speech

giving a speech

fuck either way

write your own

speeches bitch

i think he does actually and one of his

most famous

speeches is one that he wrote

one of them

the ones when he was running for office

he’s a smart guy and he’s

a very good

speech writer but

the whole idea of having

a speech written out for you by a

bunch of other people is

kind of offensive to me

like what the

fuck are you doing being the leader if you’ve got all

these people telling you exactly what to say

and you’re following all

these charts and

graphs and this is what the people want and so let’s

give them this and this is sort of in the middle and

will lower their

expectations

expectations with that

and then they’ll hit them with this to make them happy

it’s just it’s like so obvious that we’re being played

you know that’s what

drives me nuts

about speech writing

about the idea of it so this is like

they’re not even

trying to pretend that you know they’re not playing you

then i even try to pretend this guy

wrote the shit himself

you know he’s just up there reading

off a fucking teleprompter and you’re just going yay

and nothing changes

yeah i couldn’t

never do that i

could never do

speeches or anything like that

you could if you wanted to give

speeches on podcasting or

speeches on something that you know a lot

about like if you want to give

speeches on

how to be a good

video editor

you could do that you

could easily do like a seminar and

video editing

you know if you ever wanted to like if people

were into your internet

videos and you

could come up with a

bunch of bulletin points of

things that you need to consider like hey brevity you

know this you wanted to make it

under 10 minutes you

want this you want that sure you know this is my best

video and this is why

and the good

thing about this

video is it

starts off in one

point and then it goes back in time then it

brings you forward

again you know

and then you could

you know you

could easily do something like that

anything that you’re into man you

could teach

other people how to do it did you hear that flip video

is no more what

cisco bought flip

video and they axed him

i killed it yeah i always thought for some reason flip

video was very

successful and

a big money maker seems like everybody’s got flip

videos i see a lot of them my own norton

had it when norton was at

austin he taped all the

sets with that shit yeah they killed it for some reason

is it but is it so good is it a big deal

well i mean it’s just kind of

weird that they did that you know

you would have

never found out

about that 20 years ago

yeah it just would

have stopped

unless you were reading the

technology page of the new york times you know

how the fuck

would you have ever known

you know now you get like an email

alert from cnn to tell you that

flip video has been

eaten up by cisco

yeah you know yeah

weird you know

scott adams is the guy who created dilbert uh huh

he got busted

going online

defending himself

under a fake name are you serious yeah

is that like the weakest shit ever how’d he get busted

i don’t know he got busted

and then he um he

wrote something

about it admitting it and

this is what he wrote

according to

wise and fair denizens of the internet this

after he’s been busted

according to the wise and fair

denizens of the internet

this behavior is

proof that i am a thin skin troll

asshole dick fame whore

egomaniac douche nozzle

misogynist that list

might sound bad to you

but keep in mind that i was

starting from a pretty low base

so i think my

reputation is

trending up

that’s pretty

funny wow yeah

it’s in the oc weekly

if you guys want to read it it’s kind of interesting

because they’re

you know they’re like wow this so he what he did was

he logged online

and he did under the name planned

chaos and he pretended to be the only person in the

world who doesn’t hate him

cause i guess he’s been getting in trouble lately

i don’t remember what it was

i don’t remember what exactly he said

he said some things that people thought were

questionable

and so people were shitting all over him i met him

he was on an episode of news radio

really yeah

that goes to show you

how old dilbert is dilbert’s been around forever man

i never got into dilbert really it’s terrible

those cartoons are like the lowest

expectation ever for humor and for entertainment value

it’s amazing that they can make so much money

like i used to read dunesbury and i remember dunesbury

was the smart one man

it was really

smart the only time to me was even remotely interesting

was when they had

raoul raoul

duke who was the hunter s thompson character

who would come in with guns and

start shooting shit up and

it was like

hunter s thompsons

they kind of like he has his character raoul duke from

fear and loathing in las vegas

you know he like

the novel is sort of

based on very loosely on him and

his friend oscar and the

crazy shit they did when they were on drugs in vegas

right and this guy

from dunesbury

just sort of co opted that character sort of stole it

stole his intellectual property

and started

using it as characters inside of his dunesbury comic

i thought that was kind of cool like

those kind of

funny that he did that it was kind of

those were fun

but other than

that like most of it was like really like nothing

it’s like the jokes were like whoo

like you ever read like marma

duke or something like that or

beetle bailey

how is this shit

still even possible you know bailey’s

still around yeah i think so

i think i don’t know

i am funny yeah who

would cry if the cartoon section i remember when i was

a kid though i used to like the cartoon section i used

to like far side

that was fucking

brilliant shit

and then they just

kind of went away

i was like garfield guy growing up obviously so

garfield and far side were my two

calvin hobbs pretty

so you do like our dudes i do

but then you get

those ones like whatever that fucking kathy

or sticky oh yeah fucking there’s some

that don’t make any

sense and you have to wonder how

those people keep their jobs

is it like some sort of a government job

where you can’t get fired

that prince valiant

or whatever that one that was like

remember that one

what was that one

where it’s like all medieval

knights and shit yeah i always

tried to get into that one but i could

never fucking do it

they’re the worst man

yeah they’re the

worst there is there anything

worse than fucking

stupid cartoons

there’s no lower standard

you know like

if you ever like read a cartoon and laughed

now like holy shit

that far side far side

definitely really yeah

first i you

never read any of the

first i never got into it man this it’s i

think like stand up comics

some cartoons

are so bad they like

turn you off to

other cartoons

wow like i’ve

talked to people that have been to like shitty

comedy shows like nah i’m not really in a live comedy

right like well you’re not in a live comedy

okay what are you talking about

have you ever

gonna see louis ck

okay go see louis ck

and then tell me if you’re in the live comedy

cause you might not be into some

douchebags at the

chuckle hut you know

that are telling nonsense jokes but

go to see chris rock go to see

dave chappelle go to see a real

comic you’re

gonna love comedy man don’t get

crazy you go see joey diaz

and if you don’t

laugh you don’t have a fucking pulse

right there’s something

wrong with you you’re not you’re not

enjoying that

joey destroyed all weekend

in in philadelphia he’s so fun to have around man

no one makes me laugh more than that guy

he’s so fucking fun to have around

but as we’re saying before he gets wired

he gets angry at you yeah

i’m just reading these facts that we’re on digg com

today of facts about masturbation

and that’s going through that male kangaroos have been

known to give himself blowjobs and female porcupines

have been witnessed

using wooden sticks as dildos

what imagine watching an animal jack off dick

did dinosaurs have dicks right

right yeah i was

can you imagine how big that dick is and then like

if a dinosaur fucking come to like how much come that

would be if a dinosaur

come how are you

twelve bro no i was just

thinking that the other day

dinosaur come

dinosaur dicks how big

would the load be

a dinosaur cummed

yeah and here’s another fact

what 30 of suicides by males age

of 12 through 20 are attributed to auto erotic

as fiction no

what is that in wikipedia man i don’t know

oh here’s a flesh auto erotic

asphyxiation yeah from

twelve to twenty that’s

silly that’s insane you

know here’s a fucking interesting statistic that’s real

seventy percent of all pornography gets

watched during nine to five hours

really yeah

twelve percent of

a porno film is

watched at a

hotel room on average

only twelve that makes sense

but seventy percent being

during the internet or

downloaded from the internet

while you’re at work nine to

five totally

how many people are

watching this

podcast or listening to this podcast at work a lot

how many people are masturbating

while listening to the

podcast two people

right now and only one’s hard

one of them is crying

struggling trying to make shit happen

there’s too much porn

i think at this

point it’s almost like it’s too easy

to beat off

you know it’s all out there

it’s almost like unavoidable

like it used to be hard as hell

to get some pornography

when i was a kid like we were talking about

earlier about

magazines man

that was what you got

magazines man

you had to go to a liquor

store and ask for the back shelf and

nowadays man

it’s so fucking easy to get pornography

nowadays you

could just you

specialize on one

particular type of pornography

you could be like

a weirdo foot guy you only want foot jobs girls

jacking guys off of

their feet and you

could fucking

stack monitors to the top of your room

like a movie

screen 50 feet high

and every one of them has got a different

video of a girl jerking a guy off with her feet

and you would die of old

age before you

watched all of them

there’s this

shit that i was reading

about where guys who

go to graveyards after

they bury somebody recently

like the next day after they

bury somebody and they dig them up and fuck them oh

god like they

check the obituaries and find

a young team

you know oh

where was this happening

it was on the internet i read it

i heard some

people doing it in

there was an old kinesin bit

people doing it in

a mortician’s office the mortuary

that you know remember that bit i

could see that happening dude that bit

is what got me into kinesin

really i’ve told this

story before but in the interests of brevity

a girl that i was working with

did the bit for me

cause she was telling me how

funny he was

and she’s lying on her stomach in the parking lot

going oh oh

you mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even

after your dad

it never ends

and i remember

thinking like wow what

is this guy like this guy must be the funniest guy ever

and then i got a hold of his hbo

special i got a chance to see it that’s what that

it was probably the one moment when i was 19 years

old with that girl on her stomach in the parking lot

telling me that joe

that was one of the one moments

one of the few moments in my life where a

spark went off in my head like wow

maybe i should do that

maybe i should be a fucking comedian

you know when

i was nineteen i had no idea what the hell was

gonna happen in my future i didn’t know what i was

gonna do but i was already

starting to

think like maybe you know

maybe i have to find something you know

maybe it’s not martial

arts i have to find like something else to do like

maybe it was this

fucking guys on his stomach you

pretend to get fucked in the

ass like well there was nothing like that back then man

but i think his joke was

based on a true

story that was in la

some people got arrested

for paying the morticians to

spend a few

hours undisturbed with the

freshest male corpses

oh god oh god yeah

i think if i was a mortician

and i think

if you get a hot chick

that there’d be sometimes you’re

sitting in this basement by yourself you’d like i’m

definitely gonna

touch this video

is online this

photos online

have guys fucking dead

bodies this is

fuck it there’s a voting

photo online of a guy with this

i don’t know if it’s still up

years ago this was in the late 90s

early 2000s

and it was a

whole sequence of

photos from

start to finish of this woman

being on the slab she’s

clearly dead you know

and then you know him

putting his

penis inside of her

yeah it’s like whoa dude

you you know he didn’t just

take these photos of someone’s

daughter and someone’s

sister someone’s wife he fucked her and took

pictures of it

and then put it online you know

some fucking crazy shit

i wonder how many people who get into

like what the number is

how many people get into being a mortician or being a

how many of them are there for the sex

yeah how many

fucking around with

bodies i’m sure it’s very high man

i’m never surprised at the

things i hear

and i think if you were into fucking dead

bodies that

would be the number one

thing to do i bet hope

good as the meat in the dead body is it

is it i’m sure it’s juicier

i’m sure it’s juicier

i mean you know what i’m saying i mean

is it other

persons but

is rigo mortis

set in do they can they fix that

today is there a way that they can have rigor mortis

not sit in like what happens when they embalm them

don’t they pump out all the what is rigor mortis

what does that come from that’s

where the yeah

that’s what it comes from i

think that’s when you died the body just

stiffens up but i don’t

think it’s i

think it’s a

squirrel off the road yeah

i think i don’t

think it’s immediate i

think it’s immediate i think

it takes a few

hours yeah so

maybe if you get the person

right after they die they’d be

still pliable

yeah but don’t you like when you die

also you just

automatically piss and shit yourself and all that crap

just clean em up man if you’re

gonna fuck a dead body you can’t have high standards

you kind of have to warm them up

maybe get some lamps or a heated

blanket and let them sit in there for a

while or something like

that put them in a warm tub

not warm enough to cook them

god you know the cool

thing is that you

could just pretty much fucking rip skin if you

would like one

of the fuck that ass really hard you know

you just fucking

just ripping it

never have to

worry about her getting hurt right yeah

that’s true

i guess you

could think

about it that way

she’s a gagger

going right through the back of her throat

something about disrespecting dead bodies it’s

particularly offensive

particularly unsavory you know the idea of

disrespecting someone’s body

their vessel while they’re gone

know it’s so like

it’s so inhuman you know there’s something

about it that’s like it’s very creepy

right yeah one of the creepiest things

that an eating it

eating someone’s body

after they’re dead

yeah i was listening to um

casey kacem

they were he’s still around

i don’t know if he’s still around

they had him on the radio though he might be dead

but they had

he was there playing once from the 1970s i was in

philly and philly has this one badass radio station i

tweeted it i

don’t remember the name of it it’s like w o g l w g o l

and it was all like

one badass song it

would be like pink floyd

and then it

would be michael jackson

and then it

would be like

you know sam cooke i mean

it was like some serious fucking jams one after the

other news had this pool hall that we were playing at

and they played like repeats of like

the countdown show

and i forgot like

casey kacem with the

countdown wow

and he would

you just pulled that out

i mean that

first time i’ve

ever done that too that was awesome here we go

this this request comes

now don’t hey

scooby come over here casey jason with the countdown

i can’t even i have

if i heard him i can do it you know he was shaggy

really yeah we do oh yeah i did know that yeah

zonks zonks

but he was one of the songs

apparently was

about cannibalism

and i don’t know the song but it was

about some people that it was like the donner

party it was about like you

know some people that you know the donner party story

they were headed to the west coast and they

stuck in the mountains of

colorado and they ran out of food and

some people died and they ate the dead bodies to stay

alive trey parker made a film about it

did he really yeah cannibal the musical

what’s a cannibal the musical

when his first movie he made in college with matt

stone it’s fucking brilliant that’s really

funny because they’re from

colorado too yeah

yeah i fucking love it

it’s a brilliant movie cannibal the musical yeah

okay i’ll love each

other yeah amazon that shit

but casey casey was going off

casey casey

about this sometimes

you have to make decisions

and it was like the decision was like

we like stop playing we’re like what the fuck it’s like

you have to make a decision between eating the body or

dying yourself

and you’re like what the fuck wow

what a weird

you know top

40 or whatever the fuck it was or

you know that song is

maybe i mean i think it was a request

you know i only like

tuned into it halfway while he was saying it

but you know

it was one of the

weird things this nest song deals with cannibalism

it was like what

like how many

times in history of people had to eat people to stay

alive there’s only like a few

recorded instances right

there’s a soccer team that

crashed in a

plane crash and they made that

movie about them

remember when they’re

alive spoon yeah they’re

spooning that guy’s ass out oh yeah it is

about that the

frozen ass meat with a

spoon that was a

freaky ass movie man when that airplane

broke apart yeah

yeah tubes made out of

metal aren’t

really meant to fly through the fucking sky

yeah you know what i was

thinking the

other day is what happened to all

those lost people

you notice how like all

those actors from lost

were such so high in

their career

and now do you see any of them they burnt off

they didn’t want to have anything

to do with them jack was pissing me off man i know

after a while man he really

annoyed the shit out of me man

he drove me nuts

he was so phoning it in at the end

when they were all

standing around

that tub and someone comes back to life like

this motherfucker is just phoning it in man that is

ridiculous yeah he

drove me nuts

because he wasn’t appreciating his fucking

his part he

started off that

series as a winner

jack was the fucking hero

he was the man

he was the doctor he was handsome all the girls

loved him and by the end

he was a junkie and a loser and

what they did was i guarantee you that guy’s annoying

i guarantee that actor is

annoying and they’re like

fuck this guy

let’s start making him a douchebag

and start slowly

making him more and more

annoying yeah

fuck yeah they must have done that cause

if he was so cool everybody else sort of kept their

thing or became more cool as the show went on you know

like the really hot girl with no ass what’s her name um

the really pretty

one with the dark hair the fuck is beautiful

face kate i

remember her she sort of became cooler as time went on

got her shit together

you know raised that girl’s baby

you know she had

a lot of good positive attributes

john locke became like mysterious and sort of

magical and sort of figured out the world

jack just became a junkie

just became a fucking loser man

he just slowly

started there’s

a reason for that if you saw the last episode

that last episode

can suck my dick

i ain’t fucking with that man

i think this i can’t

believe you

watched that much

there’s some freedom in walking away for it man

yeah but you

watch so much of it

that you might as well

see what happens

there’s some freedom

just saying no you don’t have me anymore you fucks

you can’t you can’t own me bitch

i’m not your whore

all right i’m not

tuning in every week to watch your

stupid commercials

just so you can

trick me with your

silly storyline

i i don’t even

watch tv anymore it seems like

but once you

start fucking

throwing in like time

travel and shit like they did

now we’re in 1970 all

right you don’t even know what happened

you fucks you can do anything you want you fucks

there’s a reason

why yeah the reason you want to know i can tell you now

would you like to know nope

i don’t want to know

i love that you want me to know

and that i don’t

want to know i love that this freedom in that

all right he was a girl the

whole time he was a girl

oh good good

it seemed like a girl he

was kate seemed like he was on his period for ten years

fucking twat

oh jesus anything else

before we get

going there was some

questions on the rogan board

that i’m perusing

through and some of them we’ve actually already

answered and

some of them

here’s like one what

are your thoughts on listeners supporting the podcast

the podcast financially

it’s not necessary the podcast as i said is a great

method for me to promote shows and promote all the

other stuff that we do and

we get sponsorships

the more you guys listen the more we get

sponsors i mean

we just have this

flashlight right now but that’s mostly because

we’re going to be moving to sirius very soon

both obviously it will

still be live and free on the internet it’s

still be on itunes for free it’s

still be available for download on the website for free

but it’ll also be on sirius

satellite radio just so more people can listen to it

you know i like serious i have it in my car

it’s an awesome service and i

think it’s just another avenue for us

to get heard and you

know we’re not even getting paid for it the same

thing is like

stitcher and

i’m for all

those things

and the more of

these things that we do

the more it

i’ve never had this many people come to my shows i’ve

never had i mean

it’s obvious that this is a good thing

it’s obvious that there’s a benefit for me

in that and the

promotional aspect of it

and it’s a benefit in people that they get this free

entertainment man

and it’s a benefit for us too

over the course

of the year or so that we’ve been doing this

one of the coolest

things that really made me

appreciate i

was bummed out when i had to come back here

from colorado

you know i have this idea of raising my kids in a

place where it’s a little more calm there’s

less people there’s less of the pressures of hollywood

the sort of the bullshit materialism

of this area this part of the country

it’s a silly part

of the country there’s a lot of cool people here but

it’s also a very

silly part of the country

so i was bummed out man when the dog got

eaten by the mountain lion and when mrs

rogan got pregnant we had to come back i mean it was

to me it was like fuck i was gone i made it out of this

place i had

escaped and now i’m back again

but what really

like made me

appreciate this place

was this podcast

and was having all

these cool people come over all the time

having ari over having

eddie over having joey over having

bert kreischer and russell

peters and tom

green i’m like

you know i sit

back and i go god this is so much fucking fun

you know somehow or another we have like a real legit

national radio show

and not even national man worldwide

because we had a fuckload of podcast fans in australia

that’s on the

other side of the fucking planet

and when when i

asked them about the podcast they went nuts

so it’s it’s it’s a

worldwide sort of a

thing man and you know and i

who the fuck knew

when we did this that it

would be what it is now

who knew that

every week would be in

the top five of itunes

who the fuck we had never

had no idea no idea

it was completely by chance

and slowly along the line it’s

morphed and slowly

along the line it’s

evolved and slowly

along the line it’s become something

it is itself now

you know what i mean

like now we don’t think

about how to do it

we came over here like

brian came over here today

and we didn’t even have to talk

about when we talked

about just normal shit like we always do

but this is our hundredth episode man it’s a big deal

but we’re like but we

should do it we were like well we

should do it together yeah it’s just

you and me for the hundredth

and then that was not all the

thing we had to talk

about it’s like

it is its own

thing you know it is it’s got its own life to it now

and all the people that send me

emails man and all the twitter messages and all

the people that i meet in the comedy clubs

i appreciate the fuck out of that i

think it is one of my biggest accomplishments

in my career

is this podcast and that message

board and both of

those things and

the whole internet

group of bringing all

these cool people together

and the positive energy that i get from all

these people

at shows and the positive reactions that i get

so many people coming up to me and telling me that

this podcast helps them

think differently

it changes the way they look at life

it changes the way they view

their friends

change the way that you view how they interact with

other people

you know i couldn’t be happier

man i couldn’t be happier that we did this and this

wouldn’t have happened

if i didn’t give in and come back from colorado

if i decided to stay in

colorado we

would have never have done this

you know what

about the idea of getting like a female

sidekick a female

sidekick a whole

a whole mr robin

quinn’s not really down with that

mmm yeah oh did you hear that he

slurped his coffee

again that fuck

feel it all over your

yeah if you hear

slurping man that’s me blame me

yeah you know

adam crowell had a really

funny girl in his show

he had teresa strasser for a

while and she was really

funny and now he’s got this new

chick and a

a lot of people on the rogen

board didn’t like her but i thought she was

funny man she made

me laugh the

crazy thing

about that is

he auditioned a few girls like esther

little esther

went there oh that’s how this girl got it yeah and i

guess but what’s

crazy is like if you go

to his website and look at all the comments per episode

every single one

of the girls that he did

like all hate like

his audience hates

so bad that girl

on any girl that’s on his show i

feel so bad

or brody stevens

so the girls and brody

who’s the new girl

you know i think her name’s like

jesse or something

like that i don’t know i’m looking for it

i’m gonna look it

right now because i feel rude that we’re talking

about her own yeah

her name up

yeah that’s

gonna be cool to have adam krolow

on yeah he’s

gonna be on this this next week

next tuesday yeah

yeah in your formula

that you’ve been working with on onit com

o and nit it’s almost done

it’s on its way yeah

did you read the case

study that’s pretty interesting

yeah a lot of people look i’ve been taking 5htp

and i’ve had some pretty

powerful results i feel like it makes

sentences form easier

i feel like there’s more circulation in my

brain or something

i don’t know what it is but

5htp has given me

a very tangible benefit

there’s some other

stuff that i took that gave me some

good benefits as well but what we did what chris did

with this neutropic formula it’s called

alpha brain wave

neutropic formula i was

gonna call it

what we did was take all of the best

nootropics which are

nutrients for the

brain and condense them into

i think it’s like two pills

and it’s all

these people the case studies had some really positive

experiences with it

yeah i’m excited it’s all

legit stuff it’s all

stuff that people have reported actually helps

brain function

we’re gonna combine it into one

thing and i think

nutrition and

mental nutrition and physical

nutrition all of it is one of the most

underlooked

keys to happiness for people

i mean we have a friend that

got on antidepressants and

this motherfucker eats cheetos

every night and

never works out and i was like yo dude you know

if you took

care of that body i guarantee you you’d feel

a little bit better i mean

i’m not saying you don’t have

an issue that

maybe needs to be corrected

chemically because

i’m not inside your head

but i know for a fact my own

brain if i didn’t work out i

would not be nearly as happy

i would have all this

extra pent up shit

you gotta get that out man and you gotta

treat this fucking

vehicle good give this

vehicle vitamins man

i drink fresh

squeezed juices

every morning

every morning when i’m at home i squeeze

i get ginger and raw garlic and carrots and celery

and i blend

it all together and you feel so fucking good good

you’re getting all those raw

nutrients in your body and your body

you know to people

that i know i have a lot of friends who are very very

smart but they almost

think that there’s something

vain and trivial and foolish

about taking care of your body

you know they

smoke cigarettes or

they eat shitty food

and they never exercise they

never take care

of themselves like man you’re missing out on

a big chunk of life

it’s annoying

to have to go to the gym that’s why it’s good to

learn to martial art or it’s good to

pick up a sport or racquetball or something where

you’re forced to move around you

know where it’s fun it’s part of the whole game

but find some way find some way to take

care of your fucking body find some fucking way man

take some fucking vitamins even if it’s just

multi vitamins and fish oil even if it’s just that

that will make a fucking difference

and so many people don’t man so many

people just ride it out and they just hope it all is

gonna fucking stay together

i switched my 5htp

to chris’s brand

which is called roll on

or roll over can’t remember

which one it is

blue bottle

yeah and it’s it’s

great too it’s at

175 milligrams i

think it was and you feel a difference

after taking

photos i’ve been i’ve been taking it for

over a month

and that in the resveratro i think are

two of the best

things i’ve take i take i mean i take fish oil in a

multi multi

vitamin every day but i

think those two or the

things that i’ve noticed the biggest from

how much do you think

cigarettes fuck with you

oh a lot definitely yeah

yeah does it bother you though that you’re doing

that that you’re poisoning yourself with cigarettes

cause i’ve seen you before dude there’s there’s

times that i’ve seen you when you like smoking a lot

when you take

on like you have a gray quality to your face

it’s almost like

i’m serious man

and when you quit

you know what’s

great and what that is is i have a

great beard

no and if i don’t if i shave

it’s great for the

first three days

no man i mean

i mean like your eyes

like around your eyes

like you there’s something

about smoking

something about a lot of that cigarette

smoke in your

system where like

your whole system looks like yeah

you know it looks like your whole

system is being poisoned slowly well it is

why don’t you fucking quit

crazy bitch

i will you won’t

know what makes you say you’re gonna quit

wait for the first stroke the best part

is that what’s gonna do

you gonna go vegan all my grandfather

go completely

your grandfather had a

stroke yeah from smoking really yeah oh look at you

living smart yeah

it was like 65

oh so you feel like you’ve got a few years yeah okay

well isn’t there like a point of no return like

where you’ve done so much damage that you can

never heal yourself up

no i mean well to a

point if you get cancer obviously but i mean

there’s a chart i

think like after a year you’re pretty much

back to normal

your lung capacity and all that

stuff there’s actually a

thing where like if you quit the first week

the first day the

first month what keeps you from

quitting i mean you taking

those nicotine patches can’t you just jam

those yeah i mean it’s just doing it i mean

seriously smoking see i wish you could tell

the addiction

i wish i could too because marin’s complaining

about it all

the time he’s always on his twitter it’s always

there putting nicotine patches on shit

it’s always

gonna be there like that

voice in the back of your head even if you quit is

still there joey’s in denial

yeah joey likes to pretend he’s not smoking yeah

you know me dog

i don’t need that shit

meanwhile every time before a show he’s bummed

cigarettes off you

right yeah i always have to buy two packs

every time i’m hanging out with him helium gave me some

cigars helium’s the shit i fucking love it there

yeah two heliums we did this

month portland and philly

both of them were fucking awesome

for those folks that are interested in the massey

hall and toronto show

the only tickets that are left are like single tickets

but you know man if you want to go

sit in separate seats yeah

sit in separate seats or you know get people to move or

something who the fuck knows man just go and have fun

it’s gonna be chaos

and i’m doing it with sam tripoli

but other than that it’s sold out

and for the june 11th

i think it’s what is the date

by the way sam tripoli

got a faux hawk

going on now

really yes yes david said

silly bastard

sam tripoli is awesome

and he’ll be opening for me in

i said june

he’s so excited

about it too he’s like i’ll

never play a bigger show than this ever

he’s going crazy and

by the way san francisco is may 12 through the may 14

and that’s at cobb’s comedy club

yeah june tenth is the vancouver date and april

twenty ninth

is the toronto date

and april twenty

ninth like i

said there’s only a few tickets left and then

the other thing is cops in san francisco yeah

it’s already sailing very fast

twelve through the fourteenth

is that a full

death scott who’s

going there

yeah probably

whoever’s around you know if joey and i can do it

you know how we do it

it’s like ari’s getting a

bunch of headline gigs now

which is very nice yeah ari’s headlining all over the

place he’s doing

doing comedy competitions he’s doing

you know comedy festivals

he just got back from atlanta

and he goes

it goes i realized

something i was like why is this feel so weird

and then someone said because you’re the most

famous comic here

he’s like oh i’m not comfortable with that

and i go you’re not comfortable with that because

that’s responsibility you feel responsible for the

young pucks

is that what

it feels like he’s a yeah that is what it is

i go you shy away from

every responsibility possible

even being the most

famous comedian

don’t look to me i don’t know nothing

i’m get out of here

and he just runs away that dude

should be so much bigger i mean there gotta be

i was talking

to mary carey when we had her on the podcast and

she was talking

about how she saw you and ari and she’s just like

what’s that guy’s name ari

shafir he was so fucking hilarious i’m like wow

you know his

name off hand well we talked to her for like five

hours on the plane too

but yeah that she did remember his name

yeah i mean look

it’s tough these days for a

comic to get

notoriety just for

their stand up

you have to get on something

where people see you there’s just so much

entertainment

value you know you have to have

a comedy central special you have to have something

and ari is at a bit of

a disadvantage just like joey is in that they’re both

ruthlessly dirty

you know which is really hilarious but it’s hard to

clean that shit up for

you know a seven

minute spot at live at gotham

or something like that you know

it was always hard for me too when i first

started out to

clean it up for like a 10

minute set or a

seven minute set

seven minutes sets are hard in the

first place

because it’s like just getting a joke out it’s like

fuck you know you when you want

to do a set you want to open up get there get their

respect get some

laughs and then slowly settle into your view of things

you can’t do that in ten minutes man

in ten minutes you got to slam them

with some shit and then just get the fuck out of there

and you know that

that’s something

that ari hasn’t done yet he hasn’t really really

knocked one out of the park and then got

a half an hour commie central special and then got an

hours commie

central special and

he doesn’t do enough

updating on his website either he’s i mean

you know i was

look i’ve had a website

since 1998 and there’s thousands of blog entries

you know i mean

and i’m a busy guy you gotta

write things you

gotta give people

things like twitter

look i write a lot of shit on twitter

is like hey the podcast is about to

start or hey you know i’m

about to do this gig

or hey you know come see me here

but a lot of the rest of it is just me writing

things that

i think are

funny and interesting or

some link that somebody

sent me that’s interesting i’m retweeting it and

i want it entertaining

i wanna make sure it’s

entertaining

it’s a part of that

whole system of

promoting yourself of getting yourself out there or

being able to work

and ari hasn’t really embraced that

you know he embraced the twitter a little bit he writes

funny tweets

every now and

then but he needs to be like real pro active

like his website

it’s not like he’s got a wife and

kids and a job and an excuse to not be doing all this

stuff you know

but at least he’s doing his podcast on your desk

squad network

and it’s the

skeptic tank if you’re looking for it that’s what ari

calls it and it’s really good

and i’ve been on it

mayhem miller’s been on it he had with

steve on his

no no that was

not a show but yeah

mayhem they’re

under death

squads has gone itunes a subscribe to

death squad has made

ari’s it has sam tripoli’s

podcast tom seguro who was on yesterday they’re all

grouped into one podcast yeah and

think about that man you would have

never thought you’d be doing something like that

yeah i mean

how crazy is that you know what’s

weird is that the whole

thing is that when i was in

middle school you had

something like a high

school a freshman in high

school you had a

shadow of the day job

where you picked

what you wanted to be when you grew up and you shadowed

them for a day

right so i shadowed a

radio station because i wanted to be a

radio dj and i

shadowed the morning zoo

wnci 979 was the dave buster douglas one

and they had buster douglas on the

radio station i

think i’ve talked

about this before but yeah a long time ago

yeah but it was

crazy because we actually buster douglas

knocked out tyson yeah

we were actually in columbus ohio

like when we did your dvd special and we are on that

radio show and the guy was

still working

as a dj and i was like you know what you were

the guy that

when i was a kid that i hung out with this guy all day

took me to breakfast took me to

lunch and now

wow now look at this it’s like i’m an

adult and you’re

still here that’s

weird adult you

still here that’s weird

yeah no it’s

interesting what podcasting has become

you know ariel hawani

and i did his

podcast yesterday and i did it through skype

which is pretty badass i did the video

portion of it through skype

and i just used the

microphone and

listened to the headsets and i’m like this is

crazy and we’re doing it in real time and it

sounds awesome

you know it

sounded really clear

sound clear

sounded great yeah

you know you can

it’s a different

world man we live in a different

world and we got

lucky we snuck in

right on the ground

floor you know

totally never

expected that i remember all these

other people were doing podcasts at the time because

i did adam carolla’s podcast way before i even

moved to colorado

you know i had done it

and i still

hadn’t done my own well it’s podcasts in general it’s

weird how they used to be popular like four years ago

like when they

first came out and ipods just

first came out

or whatever

it was huge for

oh no like who

were the huge ones back then

i remember kevin rose and all those guys

from techtv had

kevin roosevelt is he the guy

started dig

yeah same guy same guy

kevin rose yeah

crazy bastard

follow him he’s got some ideas well now he’s

not with dig anymore and everyone’s pissed because they

he pretty much digs

supposedly gone to shit

since he left and that one’s mad at him i

guess well that’s that’s what i’ve

heard oh kevin

i’ve been following i like dig

still i use dig all the time i like dig

dig com if you’ve never been

is an excellent portal for interesting stories

yeah there’s always like i will

scroll through the

first four or five pages and

every time i do it you know there’s

always something interesting that pops up that’s

where i got that billboard

story and you know there’s always

charlie sheen

asking for custody of his twins

oh that’s the fucking perfect

thing to happen

right now that’s exactly

the end of the podcast

for this goddamn

phone to ring because i

never turn it off

malibu malibu here malibu please malibu california

all right sorry

ladies and gentlemen for that that’s a

sort of an inside

joke on this podcast that i’m a retard i

never turn my fucking phone off

the real problem is i’m always usually on the

phone right up

until the time we start

and then does

there’s a bunch of them and they’re

cordless you know so they’re all

floating around i

never know where the fuck they are

and i usually just pull the plug out of the wall

i did it yesterday

actually plugged it back in

right before the

show today because i had to make a call

you don’t give a fuck and i

wouldn’t either

the point is we’ve done this for a hundred episodes now

give me some knuckles

we had a good time

red band and i have

we’ve more than

surpassed our

expectations i

never had any

going into and i don’t

think you did either no

never thought it

would be like this i thought this was actually

going to last a month

i thought like you’d get sick of it a month and

that’s the craziest

thing about that you still

you know you

still do it

i thought for sure

i’m pretty good at doing

things once i get

started i’m pretty good at

sticking to em but

when i realized it was

crazy when i realized that

weird things was happening

was when i asked the crowd in boston

i did the wilbur theatre

this is pack sold out

and i go how many and eddie bravo was there

and i yelled out to eddie cause i had my

tenth planet jujutsu shirt on

and i was like

tenth planet in the

house then i and i yelled

out how many guys listen to podcast and they went

fucking crazy

it was like ninety percent of the

crowd i was like whoa really really

and then i realized that i’m like somewhere

along the route

maybe that’s why these

crowds have been cooler lately

like over the last like six months

the crowds have gotten noticeably

cooler and they were always cool they were always

cool there was always a huge percentage of cool people

but there was

always people that didn’t know what i was up to

and they were just

you know there’s a fear

factor ufc or whatever

jamie kennedy wasn’t in town so they went to see me

you know what i mean it’s like they don’t

know what they’re doing they’re just wandering in there

but now it’s

completely changed like in philly the

whole crowd it’s all podcast fans

as they find out

about the show long before everybody else

that show was sold out a

month before we were ever there

that’s never happened to me before

the best case

scenario was like the last time i was in philly

which was like a year ago

we sold it all out

just before

i got there but this was sold out like way before that

you know so it’s

i did an extra show you did more stuff than

shut the fuck up

god damn it

who is this

again same thing

hang up on there

i don’t give a fuck

about them that’s how i roll

all right ladies and gentlemen

at that note i apologize for the

phone this won’t happen

after episode 100

i’m gonna have that shit straightened out

i’m gonna fix it

um we will be back next week as we said

adam corolla is on on tuesday and

i think we’re probably

gonna do one either wednesday or

thursday i don’t know who um

duncan trusse

is coming out next

week too yeah and joey wants to come on next week too

you know i should have duncan

and joey we

haven’t had

those combo together for a

while that’s a good

combo that’s a good combo

ladies and gentlemen

it’s been an awesome 100 episodes we

have enjoyed the fuck out of it we

thank you very much everybody that

enjoyed it we’re so

happy that you did

and i appreciate all the twitters i

appreciate all the facebook messages i

appreciate everything

thank you very very much you guys are the coolest

motherfuckers on the planet

thank you to the

flashlight for

sponsoring the podcast

if you go to joerogane

net there’s a

flashlight link on the

right hand side

you click it and

enter in the code name rogan

you would get 50

no 15 15 off the number one sex toy

from men and you can

shoot loads

and it feels awesome all

right that’s it

folks thank you very much

see you soon

love you bitches