Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

Transcript

just give me like a Right now

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oh my God we’re live

ladies and gentlemen Joe Rogan Experience podcast

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brogan you get 15% off all right

and with that said buckle up bitches here we go

Joe Diaz is in the motherfucking house oh yeah

a lot of people been complaining that

this is lame music

a lot of people been saying you know

this song is just not befitting of such a

fucking dynamic podcast

why you got some fucking Fruity

Tooty tunes playing there

why don’t you got some

because we don’t want

first of all

we don’t want the song to overshadow the show

what if the song is better than the show

and you like

why don’t you fuck

stop talking

play some more that groovy music

you were just hitting me with

Joe Diaz is in the motherfucking house

bitches baby

that’s all you need to know

forget about that goddamn opening music

don’t be tripping

don’t be tripping

people don’t get your shit together kids

the best is when somebody complains about that song

and then they send you their like

keyboard oh

there’s Songs of Death

and they’ll send it to you a thousand times in case

just like case you didn’t get it the first 50 000 times

when I send it this is a new one

I’ve put some echo to the drums

it’s a little bit different now

that’s great

I’m ready to leave Joe Diaz

if this fucking earthquake comes

I’m gone baby

back to the mountains with the full posse

load them up in the Lexus

leave everything behind

hollow back locations still get in this country

you got San Francisco Oregon

California and Nashville

what are the points

is the fault on that

we well there’s other faults

there’s a fault near New York right

there’s a fault near New York

yeah there’s a bunch of faults man

it’s like here’s the deal

honestly we know what moves on a regular basis

but that doesn’t preclude things from moving on

a unique basis

there could be some fucking new shit

that happens anyway

we don’t have this shit wired

we don’t know what the hell’s going on

there’s some recent study

where these scientists are gonna drill into the Earth

mantle all the way through the fucking core

it’s gonna take 5

they try to figure out how to do it

it’s like they’re like little kids

it’s like well

we know we can’t use a regular drill

cause it’ll melt

so they’re trying to figure out how the fuck

they’re gonna get a drill

that drills all the way down to the mat

and you ask them why

what are you doing

is there leprechauns down there

they’re gonna give you gold

what’s going on

is there aliens down

there they gonna suck your dick

what are you doing

why are you drilling down to the mantle

because people are silly fucks

and we just wanna see what’s up

we just want to see what’s up

we want to try what’s up

sometimes you gotta dig a hole to find something

yeah but what the fuck man

what if they dig a hole through the Earth mantle

and the Earth becomes like a fucking balloon

with a hole in it

just goes flying around the galaxy

what if it lava shoots out of it

like like a balloon

you know how you go and you blow up a balloon

and you let it go

how about that

what if the Earth becomes like that

like a balloon

that doesn’t does not tied off at the end

and the Earth flies around the galaxy

I’ll fucking haphazardly

like a balloon

what if we find out

the earth is really made out of rubber

this whole mantle and all this other bullshit

this is just outside the balloon

this is like the decoration on the balloon

but if you pop that motherfucker

it will just fly around

yeah we slamming a Jupiter and shit

we slamming other planets

that is the most fucked up thing about space

is that occasionally planets hit each other

god damn son

could you imagine

what kind of chaos there would be in this world

if we saw a planet coming our way

if you saw Mars

like for sure

Mars is coming

it might take 5 years

but it’s gonna hit the Earth

and we’re fucked

and there’s not a goddamn thing we can do to stop it

there it is

you see it in the sky

gets a little bigger every night

by the time it got real close

people would be losing their fucking mind be a party

would be fucking great

it wouldn’t be a party

you know what

it be like warrior with knives and stabbing people

it would be like that scene in Event Horizon

you remember that movie

Event Horizon

with Lawrence Fishburne

you don’t remember that

badass fucking science fiction movie

sam Shepherd

and I think it’s Sam Shepherd and Lawrence Fishburne

and it’s about a spaceship

that punches a hole through a wormhole

they travel to a distant part in the galaxy

by folding the space and time together

like 2 pieces of paper

punching a hole through it

and arriving on the other end

but when they did that

they didn’t realize that they actually went to hell

so these guys get to this Event Horizon ship

it comes back

everyone’s dead

and they get a video of the crew

and the captain and everything

like they find out later in the movie

what happened to them

and they’re pulling their own eyeballs out

and screaming shit in Latin

and killing each other and biting each other apart

cut each other open

that’s what it’s gonna look like

it’s not gonna be like everyone’s like

we’re gonna be fuck it

you’re not gonna be fucking okay

when there’s Mars

it’s like a hundred times bigger than the moon

would you kill yourself

maybe a thousand

I don’t know what the fuck I would do

I think I think I would fucking kill myself

I would kill you

I would close my fucking eyes and wish for the best

I’m not tapping out that fucking easy

can you pull up that song

dream Weaver

can you pull up that song right now

you’re not pulling that song

it’s too early for that shit

we gotta establish the show first

you gonna hit him with this gay music

no I wanna hear you

I wanna hear what you would do

I wanna hear what you would do over that song

no I don’t wanna do nothing

first of all that shit wouldn’t happen

we have no fucking problem

if I see shit coming

I just go home

stock up on some fucking herb

get some good books and wait for the shit to drop

what are you gonna do

you gonna get on the 4 o 5

with these fucking idiots

and you know what are you gonna do

get on the one 10 guys with helicopters

who just be pissing on your head

out of their helicopter

laughing at you where you’re stuck in this stupid grid

there won’t be no fucking helicopters

is haters in this

fucking city

you gotta don’t like those helicopters on

yeah I’ll be shooting you down

we’re going

we’re going

we’re going

it’s gonna be fucking chaos

yeah you know

it’s interesting

people didn’t really learn about human behavior

from the Rodney King riots

but that’s what should have taught you

this is what’s possible

with something so simple as a verdict

for someone who you don’t even know who you saw

get beat up

and they let the cops go

and these motherfuckers were going crazy

throwing rocks at white people

smashing the fucking

and yeah yeah yeah yeah

it was a racially charged issue

I understand

people have this feeling of an unfair society

and it said

get out of orange county be the fucking road warrior

again when they killed everybody they’ll be fucking

crazy you don’t want to be here

you want to be in the mountains montana yeah not even

colorado anymore it’s too many fucking momos and

the fucking

money came in the fake fucking

money and what the hillbillies out

the real motherfuckers that you needed

in case you gotta go like woody

creek to find those people like you gotta go

woody creek is that

still fucking amateurs to really

bunch of fucking boozes up there you really

you got to go deep

deep in the mountains of gunnison and shit like that

find those crazy

gunderson gunnison

brian you got the volume on

we’re echoing

gunnison gunderson

gunnison where’s that

that’s down south

what do you think

about all that shit

about the denver airport do you know anything

about the conspiracy behind the denver airport

where is it now

the denver airport

first of all they

moved way more dirt than they needed to

and so there’s this

all this thought that there’s some sort of subterranean

tunnel system

it’s all based on the end of the world

and shelters

they fucked

up staple to the airport was a brilliant airport

it was like

burbank you could

smuggle a fucking dead fucking kilo coconut

nobody said nothing

and all of a

sudden they came up with a bright idea

let’s fucking make an airport ninety

miles farther out by kansas

so when it snows we really get fucking buried

we have no protection

that’s a bunch of cowboys bro making decisions and

trust me they’re too

stupid to even know what a conspiracy theory is

the people that

built it maybe but if the government was really

truly behind it like all these people think

what it is is that they

made an airport there

but in constructing the airport they also

built some sort of underground safeguard

three more strongholds there so there’s

gotta be some kinky shit yeah

well you know if it’s

close i mean that

would be a move right

build an airport and then

build some shelters i mean that airport is like fucking

kansas when you go out to kansas

they were a dick out there that’s what they call it the

it was easy man when i lived in denver or in boulder

it was easy to drive there how small

was the drive fucking hour nothing

never any traffic

be 25 minutes

here’s the deal though bro

there’s no traffic out that don’t matter used to be

twenty five minutes with no traffic

on some fucking tunes crack the window a little bit

they built this

monster to spend money yeah they

built this monster this monster to to to just

you know like when i went to fucking newark to see the

fights with you

they we did knew it they

built the soccer stadium

right fucking soccer stadium and newer

they’re spending

money left and

right but they

still can’t put a left hand turning signal

so if you got to make a left

29 fucking miles of people got

well they’re trying to keep up

their reputation as the car jack capital of the

world and if you got like some left

turn signals you got some outlets people can escape

can escape the

drama fucking

amazing that’s the thing

about that it’s like

you know they

think that’s

there’s something really

going on inside that denver airport there’s all

these documentaries

dedicated to it

and one of the reasons for it is because

there’s these

crazy murals that they’re

painted up in the denver airport

and they’re really disturbing man

they’re apocalyptic

like one guy’s got a fucking gas mask on

with a giant

sword and there’s like

pictures of children and coffins and there’s

in the background have you ever seen that shit yeah but

yeah we’ve actually talked

about it on this podcast before we did yeah

but do you think that has anything to do with

with that and

you putting the two

together i don’t

think that it does

definitely but

it’s interesting

you know i mean i’ll have opinion

one way or another i’ve listened to the people talk

about how it’s a some great

escape base and that

2012 is gonna be

you know fucking

asteroids gonna hit that they’re

tracking it’s

gonna kill everybody

except the people that are in this

underground bunker

i don’t know man

i watched a tv show on

those dudes

those dudes that have

they’ve bought like

fucking condos

out in these

shelters out in like

death valley and shit

have you seen those

people have

space in death valley and so they have like a condo

inside this

underground bunker

thing it’s out in the middle of fucking nowhere

you have to

drive and you go out there

and they had

these shows i forget who was the host of the show

but they took you on a tour of

these fucking but

might have been

jesse ventura

no it wasn’t him

because they had a

sense of humor but

whoever it was was like really

and they take on his fucking tour of these

underground bunkers that they have set up

where they can survive a fucking nuclear bomb

i mean these guys are like

half a mile deep in the fucking

earth so you survived the bomb now it’s you and

eight fucking momos

eight assholes

looking at each

other listen

just live your fucking life

these people that dig into that shit and

just live your fucking life

we get hit by a bomb the best

thing you could do is move on to the fucking next life

pray to god it’ll be fucking better you hear that doors

music dude yeah

what the fuck is

wrong with people

i’m gonna live in a bunk

you imagine

being living

your life consumer what happened was a bomb drops

at the 1960

those people that shit wore off

in the 60s they all

moved into buildings with

underground drops

little fucking

sandwiches that’s how tang was fucking invented

where did they invent the tang for

so when we go in that fucking

tunnel of doom

and after the russians

fuck everybody in the ass

we could come out

where we got

vitamin c from the fucking tang that’s what

tang was invented for

but guess what

our fears aren’t the russians anymore

it’s a lot bigger than that and whatever’s

gonna hit now

right now there’s a

thing going on in japan

well we don’t fucking know they’re

lying to the people just like

everything else

they’re lying a 20 mile radius that shit’s horrible

that shit is horrible radiation is fucking horrible

and the best is all

these people are raising

their hands now

we have radiation in key west don’t

blame it on fucking

japan don’t

blame it on

japan now that’s not

japan’s for you guys bad radiation on your own

you greasy motherfuckers down there off the

coast of florida

you filthy cocksuckers

now you wanna

blame on the poor fucking jobs they’re

walking around with fucking mask and

his radiation

in florida that’s primarily

poked up whore that

jerking guys off

and creating heat in the air

sperm that they put in the fucking beach

during csi miami

you see all these

chicks brazilian

jumping up and down with that ass

that’s what that fucking is

pussy fucking

nasty radiation but is something

extra dirty

about porn that you get from

miami you ever

watch porn from miami

yeah cause it’s

almost like they’re like retarded people fucking

yeah you know

i mean and they’re always oiled up to yeah

oil dropping

and just something

about it like you can’t relate it’s hard to even jerk

off trouble joe rogan

never mind the martians and what’s going on

fucking trouble

this thing in

japan is a lot

worse than what they’re saying

you think so

fuck yeah what makes you say this

just i just know our society and that

scares wait till

those fucking japanese

start coming

out with six fucking eyes and you don’t know

which ones looking at you

then they’re

gonna say what is that better so you can see better

maybe you know

maybe that’s

2012 that’ll be our next mutation

an adaptation to radiation

this is not

are there any animals besides

roaches that are really good with radiation

roaches is supposed to be the best at it right

yeah you guys

live through anything but is that is that even

is that even just like a

wife’s tale yeah i don’t know

someone should do us a

favor now we know that the

japan is fucked

send a box of

cockroaches over there with a webcam on it

let’s see what’s up

you know if you love america go over there and do that

stupid fucking

water all that

oil and they don’t know what the fuck’s

going on and you know what now

besides that we’re all

spread out we’re in libya

we’re in this fucking

place what the fuck

are you fucking

crazy are you fucking crazy

these guys are just sitting there waiting it’s like

it’s like you’re just waiting

for us to wear out before you fuck us in the at home

what’s that

guy we’ve been looking for for 11 years something

yeah he’s just sitting there

going all we got him now

just spread out like

motherfuckers

we’ll just light a fire

in kansas cnn

breaking news i get cnn

breaking news

sent to my phone holla

us intelligence

source cia is operating inside libya

to help us increase military and political

understanding

what that means somebody’s

about to get jack bitch

what kind of

horse shit quote

is that oh the cia

is there to increase

military and political

understanding

no this is what we want you to do do you understand

okay here’s the political

understanding

we got the bombs

bitch okay we got fucking

robots that we can operate from nevada

okay you don’t even see them cause they

blend in with the sky

and they don’t make any

noise cause they’re fucking

solar powered

and they can contain hellfire

missiles hellfire

that’s what i decided to name them

not you know the beautiful flower missile or

lick my asshole missile

no hellfire

hellfire missiles and they’re

shooting them from another fucking part of the world

imagine the lag they have

they must have to really plan a shot in advance

just like playing

quake online when you got lag if you have

a 56k connection

and there’s some asshole you’re playing

against you got a

cable modem

you know he gets to move

quicker than you because his downtime is pain time

between connecting to the server and back is much

quicker so you’re fucked

so these guys must have like super lag

listen dog in 1985

we went to see rambo to and that

motherfucker took an

arrow out on an explosive at the end

and when he shot it all of us lost our

mind nobody like the

black people

black people love

arrows with explosives

i’ve seen that movie

178 i never seen

black people

crazy in my life when rambo came

out of the mud and his eyes opened up and choked the

motherfucker

black people went but not is

they’re like yelling we

should have thought of that what is it

about black dudes

they love watching

martial art love it they love anything

special like a dude doing some

crazy shit like

oh that motherfucker got a gun in his shoe

check that shit out

there’s something

about a dude pulls his shoe off and

guns down the bad guy like oh shit no he didn’t

what is that what is i mean they’re just very

vocal they’re excited

the best thing

about this is that was 20 years ago

the shit we got now has bombs and

stuff off the

charts we got a bomb that comes

at you as a car that follows you to the gas station bro

and while you’re pumping gas it turns

into a bomb a guy pops on tops you on the shoulder

says goodbye

that’s the shit we got

we got shit that comes to your

house dressed up like a cake

happy birthday

and when you go to blow out the

candles it just fuckin blows up we got some shit now

you know when i saw that was really

crazy they got this rover

this remote controlled

drone rover that’s movin around

that can jump in the air

it gets up to a fence

and i thinking go like

eight or nine feet in the fucking air wow and

it moves up to the fence and then it just goes doink

and flies through the air and lands the other side

and it looks like it

basically looks like like some sort of a flat box

you know where all the

electronics is

with like two tractor two rubber tractor

things on the side of it i guess

and the fucking

thing flies through the air

i mean what

what’s next

you know that’s the other

thing that people are

thinking about

a lot of the shit that’s

going down in afghanistan

a lot of the shit that’s

going down in the middle east period

is that the cia

he’s got all kinds of shit

going on all kinds of little kinds of little

drones and explosives

blowing up in convenient spots to

spark anger and

you know that’s what they do

that’s what they do

spark war and get you know

they’ve always

done that and with the bottom line of this what do you

think is really

going on they figured

some libyan doctor

figure out a way how to grow

fifty kilos of hair

in your bathtub

and the united

states find

out that jack that

motherfucker

khadafi’s got an army of

motherfuckers around

this guy with missiles and explosives but the united

states is jacking this guy’s got some do it h

it’s got something

to do with fucking why we’re over there in the fucking

first place

the whole nucleus of this

thing people are

dying in detroit from heroin

yeah this fucking war and we’re

still now we’re

gonna take over libya

boxes of money

bro is it amazing how many people who

think you’re

crazy when you

start talking

about the fact they’re in afghanistan for heroin

people go what are you talking about

they’ll look at you like you just fucking

just ate a bowl of shit they look at you all your

ridiculous person

yeah we’re at war for heroin

where do you

think that money is

going man where’s that

money going

what is you know much

money we’re talking

about they can ignore that you’re fucking

crazy we want

to take over a country so we can eat better

gyros that’s what you’re telling me

go fuck yourself

we’re taking over a country so we can take

over that fucking loot dog

yeah that’s the bottom line

it’s a lot of

bottom line there’s all

sorts of loot over there

and there’s

all sorts of loot in libya too i mean it’s it’s

is it a fucking coincidence

that for whatever

reason we decide to attack libya instead of

going to mexico

and straight now that bullshit

that’s right next door

but all mexico’s got burritos

burritos and hookers and donkeys and tequila

it’s not a lot of shit to offer

mexicans getting

ready though

but listen got some

crazy motherfuckers down there

well they gotta

clean up their problem

they got a big problem and it’s because of the united

states it’s a big part of it

they wanted to make

everything legal

they wanted to

you know they did do you know that

here’s a little known fact

mexico has decriminalized everything

small amounts when you’re not selling it

everything’s

legal now you

could get acid in mexico

you can get mushrooms in mexico they

decriminalize everything

just because they had to allocate resources to

fight these fucking drug lords

i mean that’s a

that’s a gone country that country’s gone the country

doesn’t have a government anymore it’s

right next door

right next door

right next door

right next door the fucking

drug army is it’s like

going to war with someone who lives in your country

it’s like if we were

fighting al

qaeda but al qaeda had billions of dollars

and was way more armed and

they were living here

that’s what it’s like

that’s what it’s like being a

fucking cop

in mexico here’s the

crazy thing mexico

is coming back to get what’s theirs

bitch california

california in

texas and rock

you can’t take

texas no it’s not

it’s can’t take taxes

even the mexicans will they go around

texas and jack wyoming

jack dallas

dallas our cannon

shit they’ll give them a beat

no you can’t

the outskirts of texas

still come out of

their hunting

blinds and kill you

i don’t have a chance

he already lives there

ted nujitt lives in waco now yeah you can’t fuck

yeah fuck yeah he does

he’s got a high fence i’ve always admired

i think he’s a retard

but i think he does a lot of

things that i really

agree with and one of the

things that i

agree with is

when he lived in michigan he had this badass

compound we had 2 000 acres or something like that

and it was all fenced in

and he had all

these animals

living inside his compound

he would just go and jack him

and that’s where he got all his food from

he got all his food from hunting on his own property

and i’m like god damn

it that’s fucking brilliant that’s how i want to live i

would love to live like that just eat what you hunt

yeah that’s one of the reasons why i was into moving to

colorado one of the reasons why i was up there was like

look at the shit hits the fan

living in the woods you

know there’s a lot of animals out here in the spring

water that comes

in fucking shooting a pig

yeah cook under the fucking cave with your kids and

cave just giving them all fucking silverware

and living in a tent with fucking heaters and

if the shit ever went down and

got kinky can you imagine that

kinky kinky

dog kink shit gets kinky dog in that game with my

you motherfuckers

so i’m excited

about oregon oregon’s one of

those yeah we’re

gonna have a good fucking time

organs one of those

states that’s

been on the grid for years but nobody knew

about they kept it hush hush

used to get

some good weed in oregon 15 fucking years ago yeah

pass ashland

eugene bend oregon’s a hippie

fucking foundation over there

but portland’s a pretty hippie

place too is a very hippie

place up there girls have

dirty feet yeah

they have dirty feet

gotta make them put cut

socks on i fuck

socks and put

socks on and

don’t breathe in my mouth

portland was the place that

i went to last year

and we were

trying to find the most

attractive person in a costco

for like a half hour meeting the girl i was with

who would you fuck yeah and we couldn’t find anyone so

costco though dude go to a costco and burbank

again with a

bunch of cripples

there too i know but that’s a packed

costco i can

find one string

you need to go to a better

places so there’s a

smaller amount

smaller amount of people you’d want to fuck

that’s okay dude

you’re gonna

be okay i’ll be okay

you gotta live somewhere

if this place falls apart

there’s too many

humans here you know

too many yeah but we keep on saying that but we’re not

doing anything

about it i did

i did i fucking

moved man the only reason

why i came back is because mrs rogan got pregnant

because the dog got

eaten by a mountain lion

it wasn’t for that

suburb then

that’s my next move

what are you talking about

it’s not like i’m already talking to real estate agents

oh snap you don’t know she’ll

let you talk all that nonsense

this is the

move the move is you go and you get a summer place

and you try it out and live there for a summer then it

becomes like

be super nice

while you’re there so it becomes all nostalgic you

know so i just

every time we’re there i’ll just

bring home flowers

and shit and

then we come back to la

and then it’s all

jiu jitsu and loud

music and too much pot smoke so

ellie’s negative

yeah daddy’s

crazy in la

daddy just wants to

fight and smoke pot

and he’s walking around naked

no in colorado

daddy wants to go get ice cream

and daddy’s

bringing flowers home see

you just train them bro is the problem you

got blowing

farts on earlier i

love you to

death i love you to death

here’s the problem joe roland’s got

joe rogan’s got a great wife

and joe rogan i went to his home last week

and that was one of the

first times that mrs rogan was home a couple times

so i’ve been up there

like four times mrs roland likes to rock the

house mrs roland i like to sit at home

and the problem is all

up where you live now all you

gotta do is go down the hill and she get the

party started

where you put it before

motherfucker that’s a witness relocation plan

she had to drive 90

miles before she even seen a denny’s dog

there was another 20

miles she was from all the

way up in boulder

the first mall that she cares

about is cherry fucking creek

you know i’m saying so you had a

two floors at

denver yeah you

had too far away from the mall

you gotta keep a closer to the mall

you had a ninety fucking

miles dog and i

slipped on the you know what i love the most

ahead up there

what i love the most living up there was that

there was a

small amount of people man

boulders only

got a hundred thousand plus people not that much man

and people are friendlier like that there’s

a more relaxed vibe and i

think that shit is healthy

i think there’s something

exciting about living in a big city

especially if you’re

you know you’re involved in the hustle and bustle

and you’re really trying to make something happen and

you know it’s

i don’t know i can’t

believe that

if you got divorced

you probably get

married again

after a week you dumb

fuck you talking a real ticket

are you really talking to a realtor

is gonna shut

that party up

you gotta figure out a way to get a fucking car for her

to the mall

where he actually i

could do that don’t

worry about

that you gotta move a little closer

that was too

yeah a little

close and you just need to move to

texas texas is

cool this is the answer too i like austin

i’m a big fan of that austin

texas i’ll tell you that i’d live there

if i was gonna live but

more land still

weed is not

legal there

the thing about

colorado is just like

california you

could just go rock weed

everywhere and people

moved to austin

no not yet not yet

the shit hits the fan anything can happen you know

when the shit

hits a fan then everybody gets scared then you

start making

survival choices

you can live in

kansas you know you’d rather be healthy in

kansas you know

but the wheat

stores in colorado were just like out here bro

it’s just how they’re everywhere

there’s one

place in denver

where there’s fucking

seven of them on a

street bing

bing bing bing bing

is it easier to get a license

though the same

same deal i get headaches

okay bang prescription son i didn’t

know it was like we don’t want you to have a headache

20 minutes away from me when i was

shooting that

movie last year

right in the mountains they had

nice like a doctor oh yeah there’s a

place that i

used to go to in the mountains it was like a gift shop

and they were

doing they were struggling they were doing terrible

and you know the fucking they were

about to lose

their business

and then they

started selling weed in the back of the gift shop

legal they got a

legal license

boom now they’re balling

now they’re

about so their one

place they open up in boulder is

supposedly i don’t know if it’s open yet

but they were talking

about it was

gonna be thirty thousand square feet it was gonna be

three floors

i don’t know if they

went through with it i need to find out if they did

because that’s just the most

ridiculous shit i’ve ever heard

that’s a goddamn

shopping is a walmart of weed yeah a walmart of weed

yeah but they had

great spots there man they had

great spots we can get weed

i got some fucking weed

two days ago in hollywood it’s

thirty one percent thc level

you don’t even this

day even necessary

what time was it

again it’s matt oh

i’ve been smoking mat

since two thousand six

and you got to figure that

every year gets a little

strong it’s that trade

week they pay this girl

i forgot to

bring a but

it looks like one of the martians from independence day

you can see

this a team

and they could

going around it

it’s like a hybrid

fucking beautiful

what if i tell you i have a joint of that

right now did why we give it to you

huh now i went and got it no you did yeah i did

go get that shit son

do you really have some

what’s it called

max number one og

bring it back in spock

it kid oh that shit is fucking

strong yeah

i had to go to the gym i was up

sounds good dog

slot oregon is

gonna be fun last time we have

i went to eugene oregon with jody furtie

and we had a saturday

night there for a one

night if a tribble

but it was the same

night that there was a convention for like the

american association

of retarded children i don’t want to say it wrong

but it was like the children that you know

special olympics

right and they had a lot of little retarded

kids running around so when i go to

check in i’m high as a

motherfucker there’s all

these kids with balloons

and i’m just freaking

cause oregon

got some deep weed

you know i’m saying

right right

right we got some at the gas station

brian you’re

gonna love this shit so i got a lighter

we check into the

hotel in eugene and joe this is not 10 or 15 of them

this is six hundred children you know special olympics

two hundred retarded ones and

their parents

well so i go to my room you know we

smoke we do the show

the show is in the

hotel but on a different part they’re having a little

dance you had

to see this they were all holding hands little balloons

and the disco and it was very cute to see

but what the

story that a lot of people don’t know is

retarded guys boys are the strongest

motherfuckers in the

world that most perverted really

oh i’ve heard that

before todd

boy they go fucking nuts if you see them

if you show them your pussy

so listen to me we’re in the fucking comedy club and

often they switch it at 10 o’clock they

switch it to turn into a disco

and jody’s got a couple cocktails in it she

started dancing she got big titties at the time

and there’s this little retarded boy who

breaks away from the fucking pile

and goes into the

dance and he starts to look at jody

and you could see joe rogan

that he’s losing his fucking mind oh no

and finally he goes on when the

dance was starts dancing with

he started dancing with and he starts

grinding when the joey thinks it’s cute

and all of a sudden

they come in there like there he is there’s little

david and they come to grab and

david fucking snaps like one of

those fucking gorillas in the zoo

right now they had three black doormen

that were trying to tackle little timmy

little timmy was throwing them around like brock

lesnar throwing around fucking john fitch

just picked the

whole offensive line of the

giants couldn’t held his little retard down

three fucking

black gorillas and he’s just pushed him huh

andy dee dee

i’m not no no no he seen

those titties he went fucking ape shit

he’s pushing the counters came

down to throw them on the fucking

floor and put his hand

and then and then

he seen them titties he

was fucking a shit dog

whoa those little cards go fucking bananas when

you show them this little what cards

and it was just titty can you imagine if it was the

monkey who would have jump bro these

these this is the

university of eugene

these are big

black football players

they couldn’t control this little

twelve year old he was banging them

throwing them around like

he was only

twelve twelve or thirteen just

throwing these fucking

black guys around

and i never

forget that that they had to put them on the floor

handcuff them

shoot them tranquilize them

this little fucking poor

kid seen titties and he went fucking bananas bananas

that’s crazy

i wonder if

they’re just doing what everybody wants to do but just

doesn’t have the ball

they had they don’t have the walls that that to

break down yeah you know what i mean yeah

what if that’s what people like

instinctively want to do

you think like

that way yeah retards can’t be like

extra more horny right

no they probably not

extra horny

i put that fan of them

sweating like joe rogan’s

house without the electricity

you know i’m saying you’re killing me here whoo

bro this kid went fucking bananas he ripped that’s

scary cause

you can’t even beat them up

what do you do

you can’t drop a bomb on the

funny thing was that they

built like a wall at

first make a little map

they asked me to

leave and he was like the

built like the

black guys got

shoulder shoulder

right and he was

grabbing their

shoulders huh

wow i mean it was fucking

scary they don’t know they look bad

you know that’s one of the

weird things

about people that are retarded or down

syndrome or whatever

they don’t seem to know

you know they

just kind of are they just behave they don’t like girl

why am i so fucking

stupid you’re so smart

no they’re not like that

they’re just themselves

you know what i mean

it’s like that must be a strange strange existence

where you know that’s part of being dumb

is that you’re

too dumb to realize you’re dumb you know and if you

i’m not saying dumb like

they’re lazy like they have an

issue there’s a mental issue

mental imbalance

whatever the fuck it is but i mean

they’re impaired

but they’re

so impaired they don’t know they’re impaired

like they’ve

lost the ability to see that they’re impaired

you know what’s a strange

thing what if they all have an inner

voice that’s

completely normal

but they can’t take a to b

like you know what i mean

so the whole time they’re just like

i can’t believe how much they

treat me so horrible and i wish

i you know but they can’t

when they try to say it it’s like

no no no no no well

there’s probably a lot of that yeah i

think there’s a

bunch of different

types of you

know being fucked up

right you know for sure there’s that too

you know it’s not it’s not just simple as yeah amen

there’s some of there’s varying degrees

yeah there’s varying degrees

along the way that

are you know i mean it’s fucking

crazy thing man

to have your mind impaired you know and like

look our minds are impaired in

comparison i was

watching this fucking

twelve year old kid

his autistic kid with a hundred and

seventy iq doing

his take on the theory of relativity

and he’s writing out equations on this fucking window

and i’m watching this kid i’m like this kid

might as well be a fucking alien

alright i don’t know what he’s doing i have no idea

he’s explaining

this like this is all simple simple shit

when this is so far beyond my capacity

to him to this artistic kid i’m retarded

okay i am this guy who he has to

humor because i can’t

understand a fucking word or letter a single

part of his equation i don’t know what’s

going on up there

it’s chaos to me

but to him it’s so

clear it’s a language it’s like well

quite simply you have to move this and this becomes x

equals y equals to

we are the retards

to that kid

hmm you know maybe like

maybe like you know people with down

syndrome they feel bad with people don’t have down

syndrome maybe

it’s just like us we feel bad with people have autism

right my gosh

poor kids got

autism man he can’t engage in all the normal

emotional things that we do

meanwhile this

motherfuckers you know

counting to a billion in his head

while he’s talking to you

about how a

television is conduct constructed

you know maybe we’re retards to them

maybe you know they look at us and they go

these poor fucks

they can’t even do math in their head

they can’t see through walls

they can’t read people’s minds you know

well but some people are just

i had a kid in the eighth

grade his name is michael ala

greta sicilian kid

he had been

fresh off the boat in the fucking

sixth grade

by the eighth

grade this motherfucker

spoke three languages oh my god

i like to do

all that sicilian

shit but he picked up spanish

he picked up english

and i used to just sit and look

at him off you know i’m saying like he was such a cool

motherfucker that

i just wanted to hang

with him he was so and he was a nerd we used to play

when you when

we used to play hockey we hit him in the chins with the

with the hockey

stick and he go oh

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

so i would die he was

never gripped to the back with my dog michael alas and

he but this kid knew nothing when he came off a boat

january in the

sixth grade by the eighth

grade he knew

three fucking language he

would talk to me in spanish

talk to you in english

like nothing

and get a’s you know some people

work ethic too

some people just they have this insane work

ethic and people that get a chance to come to america

it’s so much different than being born in america

we don’t have any fucking idea

you live you know you’re living in fucking guatemala

or some shit you know

your opportunities are fucking few and far between

you know you’re

living in some

place that’s impoverished you’re kind of fucked man

but when you’re in america dude holy shit

so these guys you know

their family gets them together look we’re

gonna move to america one have a better life and

you realize you’re leaving

everything behind you’re putting all your fucking ship

and cargo planes and

you’re all sitting together crammed in coach and

you know eating

fruit out of your mom’s

purse and you know

just hoping that when you get there

things are gonna

be better and you don’t know anybody there and how

scary is this

so when those

motherfuckers get to

school they come out guns blazing

you know they

appreciate the fact that holy shit

i used to live in italy

now here i am in the land of the free the home of the

brave you know i’m in america and i’m in

school and i’m

learning english

and i’m just

gonna go fucking

crazy over here

they’re just so

happy and joe welkin

that’s the one half of it

because i didn’t

leave cuba crying when we

moved i woke up on 89th

street and riverside drive

i had all the fucking

things that a rich kid

would have right

and here i was walking

around this fucking city but i didn’t know english

and all you

wanna do in your

heart is just fit in

and you have no idea this is not

trying to fit in when you’re in grammar

school and you

should get a

tattoo or long hair

all you wanna know is

for them not to know that you came from somewhere else

i can’t describe it to you i can’t even fucking

start to tell you

like sometimes i have this

anger at me that’s

cause i i we

were so lucky

we were so lucky any

three of us

could have been born one of those

black kids and fucking haiti with

flies on you yeah any

three of us

and we have so many fucking opportunities

and sometimes i wake up in the

morning this really hits me sometimes i go how fucking

lucky am i that my

mother came here

and here i am sitting here smoking dope i

gotta go mug somebody

you know i’m saying like

think about that’s what an immigrant was like

you know i’m

telling you for a long time i’ve been writing this

thing and that’s how it

starts with it

did you know

i don’t remember anything i don’t remember the

plane ride from cube i remember nothing

all i remember is

crossing the fucking

street on eighty

ninth and broadway up to ps one c six

sixty six and

thinking to myself finally i’m

gonna be a fucking american

what does that mean

looking at that flag

really believe in something dog

it’s not just a

piece of fucking rag

looking at that flag and going

what the fuck

like looking at the wind blowing that flag and going

what the fuck

that flag is

the answer to all my fucking problem that’s the answer

right there

but even at that

age i knew my

mother was fucking crazy so

i knew i was in a full fledged american

but looking at that flag

when you look at that flag and you just come here

they have a

scene in the

beginning of scarface when they’re on the boat

and they finally

see land and they show the american flag

and the director

whoever the guy is brilliant enough to show

he showed it from a different

angle what that flag looks like it’s not just

we overlooked that flag

every fucking day

we overlooked that flag

you don’t know what it is to look at that flag when you

first come here

and to know that that’s your fucking that’s your

magic carpet

it’s the highest

ideal in the

world it’s the highest

ideal that’s why it’s

so infuriating when politicians are fucking corrupt

that’s why it’s so you know people say

you know why do you criticize

what america does overseas don’t you love america

yeah if you love it you want to tell the fucking

truth about what it’s doing

you know if you love it you’re supposed to

stand up and go what the fuck is

going on it’s like

you don’t love it by letting it get away with

stupid shit

because there’s some corrupt

cons at the wheel

that’s not it

doesn’t mean you don’t love the idea

of america i fucking love the idea of america for sure

always remember we only see the one side of that flag

we never see both sides together gentlemen

and that’s the point we

only see that one side of the flag

right now you’ve discussed that the cia is setting up

things in libya

what are they setting up they’re

starting a war they’re

starting business yeah

they’re getting

things going

that’s the other side of that flag that we’re

never able to see we

only see one

side he put a

mirror on the

other side of the flag you know

i’m saying that’s the one side of the flag that we have

since we accept this side of the flag

we gotta accept that side

yeah the only way that side

this side is possible

where it’s easy to

drive around

is if they’re doing all this creepy shit you

gotta bring

unless we bring the

whole world together in on everything

and that’s just not

gonna happen and we’ve done creepy

fucking shit as a

man they’re

gonna do creepy shit too and we

can’t trust them

you know you can’t

trust people to be cool

you know look the

natural instinct if someone can get into a position of

power is to be qaddafi

that’s the natural instinct

the natural instinct is to get botox when you’re eighty

have this big

stupid looking rubber face

wear goofy clothes

and just be running shit

even though you’re this old cunt

you know living in some fucking castle with billions of

dollars why is

he doing that job can you tell me why is he doing that

maybe we put that billions

of dollars for money

that side that flag is

money joe rogan that’s a lot of people

never had comprehend but

that’s the reality of it

stand up is a beautiful

thing to do

yeah some guys are brilliant

some guys aren’t doing the millionaires the other

four between the crack

the other side the

stand up it’s a business

yeah it really is

a fucking business guys and it’s like anything else the

other side of that flag

is a business guys

and the same way we want social security when we’re 65

our country has to do sell a couple kilos

every once in a while

to replenish

those fucking funds you know i’m saying

right and that’s

a side the american public don’t want to know

that’s the side that included kennedy

that’s the side that alex

jones talks about

whether it’s

true or not that’s the side we’re not supposed to see

we’re supposed to be

focused on the other side

on what that machine is supposed to mean to us and

for guys like

you and i i like looking behind the curtain but i don’t

i don’t because i grew up in a corrupt

hometown i seen what politics is

out of my new

level i can’t even

dream of what it is in the national fucking level when

i’m taking political contributions but i’m

gonna pass your fucking bill so you could

pass that law that’ll

make people’s hands grow back

but they’re also

gonna give him cancer in the eyeballs

that’s part of it

it grows when

i grew up in it when it was in the micro

process ice

now it’s in

the national

level of corruption is in a

macro process

and it starts with little

things and townships

where is a macro

smaller than my yeah

micro macro

a little high i’m

sorry guys but you

understand i know exactly what you’re saying yeah

it’s very interesting

corruption if not

checked grows it all just keeps getting

bigger it’s not like they go hey we got to cut the shit

i know we’ve been making millions of dollars on the

sneak tip but everybody’s

gotta stop right now

and i’m not kidding

why are you

still making money

these wikileak

things are pretty cool for the country i think

in general that’s why

these assholes

wanna put that guy in jail they

wanna say it compromises americans

no it doesn’t

he did exactly what the new york

times was supposed to do if they got that information

they should have

done that on

twitter though can you imagine if there was just

like this twitter address that everyone followed that

everyone well

they have no

tweet twitter by the way jfk

here’s pictures of jk

so and cocaine too well

dude wikileaks has a twitter and they really

should on twitter they released it on

twitter they released

some an article about how

different parts of

the american economy are

influenced by

genetically modified foods and how we are trying to

force them on

other countries and we’re

fucking with

other countries

if they don’t go into the genetically modified food

they don’t start growing like monsanto corn and

shit like that

you know these

giant companies are way too embedded into the political

system they’re not doing

stuff for the

greater good of people they’re doing

stuff for the profitability

of giant corporations that

moved them into position in the

first place

the whole thing has been corrupted

like to sit down and pretend

that that that it’s real

it’s insulting

it’s like a

it’s like a

stupid argument

it’s like people

argue about pro wrestling

you know it’s like what are you arguing

about this is a fake nonsense process

if you can’t

notice that from

obama obama’s

gonna pull all the

troop out of it

oh he’s not

obama won the nobel

peace prize

and then he sent 30 000 more fucking

troops to afghanistan

i mean come on man thank you

look at all the shit that he’s done to

allow these cunts to get away with

stealing all that fucking

money and that bailout

i watched that inside job movie

dude that shit is disgusting disgusting

it’s disgusting

how deep the corruption is the financial

the whole financial sector

it’s scary dude

they have the people that are regulators

eventually get jobs with the banks

like how the fuck

you’re telling

me you work as a guy who’s working for the sec

and you’re looking

into banks and corruption and shit like that

and then when you quit you get a job with the bank

how the fuck are you not in jail

how the fuck are you not in jail

you were the one

responsible

for looking over these

motherfuckers

while they were doing all sorts of

crazy shit betting on

things failing and

betting three times more than a business is worth and

speculatives and bedding

again fucking

forcing clients to buy shit they knew wasn’t good

like they did a lot of

crazy creepy shit and got away with it

and the only one who got popped is that bernie made off

those motherfuckers

should all be in jail

they should be a mass jailing

and they’re not they’re not jailing anybody

then it’s bullshit

then it’s all

bullshit it’s all bullshit that they’re not

you you gotta like hold them the most

accountable you can and it’s barely at all people’s

dreams people’s

dreams when you

steal people’s

dreams that’s the

worst thing in the fucking

world you sixty

three years

old also somebody calls you and says you’re not

gonna get your

your money at

sixty six to

sixty seven all that

money you put away

that happens

those guys a lot to

tap into a lot of fucking people people

sixty i just

watch them by the

month ago people

seventy one

getting part time fucking jobs now

the sixty nine

this fucking

movie showed

i believe it was

iceland how they went in and jack the icelandic economy

in like a couple of years

these banks went in and just fucking

just created bubbles and

started making

crazy money

spending in access

and then it all failed

and people are fucked

they had like the most

stable the most

normalized economy

like it was a beautiful economy

everything was running smooth

people were hard workers people got shit done

they lived a life of you know relative prosperity

now they’re fucked

everybody lost

everything everyone’s fucked

everyone’s pissed off do you

think that i

have in the

states i think it already has

there he has what is this bailout what is this

how do you how do

these people get money

when their banks failed

well they have

bonuses in their contract

bonuses how the fuck do you get a

bonus when the bank fails

like the idea

that you have to respect them and that they can’t lose

that’s just

it’s so corrupt

have you seen the

size of bonuses

millions and millions

of dollars and this is from banks

where we had to pay them

we gave them

money and they’re giving out money

either way if your bank fucking fails

you can’t get a bonus

you can’t get a

bonus i’m sorry

the bank fucking failed

do you take no

personal responsibility

like who takes responsibility

somebody and it shouldn’t be the guy that

stands to make a

bonus if the bank does well that

should be the guy who takes personal responsibility

so when the bank fucking fails

you don’t get your

bonus cunt face

it’s it it’s that simple

why why the fuck can’t the president say that

instead he’s like

we’re gonna you know load

limited to half a million dollars half a million

fucking dollars

for a bonus when your bank fails

what do you want

these motherfuckers are so not living in reality

and most people’s reality

these cunts cost

so many fucking people

their life savings

and they have to get their

bonuses in the

president’s like well we have to give it to him

what the fuck are you talking

about you have to give it to him

you can’t just step in go cut the shit

are you fucking

crazy no you can’t get

thirty million dollars

after your fucking bank fails

no in the middle of a

crazy downed economy where

billions of dollars from taxpayers

money been funneled to fucking banks

to keep them afloat

no you can’t get a

bonus fuckhead

you’re lucky you have a job you’re

lucky your head is attached to your fucking

shoulder not

gonna get in ninety fucking years yeah you’re

lucky you’re not in jail forever in haiti

can i ask you

a question have you followed what’s

going on the city of belle

bell was bell bell

california is a city that the fucking guys just jacked

what happened like the fuck you

gotta get up

early in the morning for this

cause they talk

about like ktla

it’s a city here

of bell off the six o five or something

and all the may everybody it was as corrupt as can be

they’ve been jacking millions

so if it’s at that city of bell

if the corruption is that deep the cops were having

ticket contests

really oh this is

every day on the news they come up with more

should the guy just got reindicted

this is old

school jersey shit like really school

where is bell

bell california

it’s i think like

more than 30 minutes from here so

really yeah

30 45 it’s close yeah

they just been having this shit in there

lately it’s a shit

store they all

they will all

steal it all five guys are

stealing big boys

i don’t understand how they feel like no one’s

gonna get caught

it’s like good

fucking trail

remember good fouls and

roberts you

know how to

start killing people because you’re

spending too much

money yeah that’s the same goddamn

thing man that was a

great scene wasn’t it

when you realize the guy

came in his wife had a fucking beautiful fur coat on

it’s like what the fuck are you doing

and then they

did they know they have to kill this guy and then this

photos of him and his wife shot in the car

what a great goddamn

movie that was on the other

night and i walked in the park with her at the

mother’s house

and they borrowing the knife

but you got to

think of that

whole scene they’re borrowing a

knife to stab this guy in the car

meanwhile while they’re eating the guys in the

trunk of the fucking car

yeah reading like it’s the fourth of july yeah

they’re eating eggs and

bread and fucking telling stories remember the

painting yeah

that is that

was for me such

that is such a sick fucking

movie right there it’s a

great movie

what do you want from me

there’s not that many of

those there’s very few of

those that ever get that good

you know there’s very few

movies that ever like hit that

that’s like a perfect movie

good fellas is like a perfect fucking movie

everything about it

especially when you see it 20 years later

when she was

screaming at ray liotta and he

starts laughing and runs away

cause gacked out of his fucking mind

she’s screaming at him and he’s laughing

and when they were packaging up the coke

and his girlfriend was getting pissed off

you know she’s got her just fucking

making coke for him now he was banging her on the side

still with his wife

and he’s got her packaging coke for him and then

you know he leaves

laughing and she fucking

throws the coke

at the door you remember that shit is the craziest

thing ever like i’m

sorry is the

craziest thing ever

when he gets to that scene

and i did coke for 30 years when he gets to that

scene and he snorts and he pops his head up

and his eyes dilate

right in front of the camera

that scene is why i turned the movie off

really it bothers

me to know when you know why bothers me because he

steals it though

he taps into the coke when he’s

standing there with his arms

watch it again when she’s

weighing it

and he’s standing there with his arms folded

how many times you seen with my arms fold that means

that means your potential energy you’re

ready to explode you can’t even take

watching that fill that bucket envelope

when he sees the fucking

the helicopter

and you know it’s behind you

the chitta chatter

they have that’s paranoid talk

why can’t we go to your

mother’s house

when they drop

the guns off you imagine joe what can we go to your

mother’s house and drop off guns

they had this chitta chat

when he gets out of jail and he’s feeling for the coke

and he comes

home he’s trying to tell her that he wants it for

money he wants to get high

i’ve been there

karen karen what you do it was what i was all we had

karen that whole to the chat

look at how high they are

he just passes up they just passed out

perfect yeah they just pass out from the

fucking side

that’s all we had

sixty thousand dollars

in the fucking

thing he had in the ceiling what i

wouldn’t have found it

great fucking

movie but it’s amazing when

he’s looking up at the helicopters and he’s driving

so fucking yes

yes when he’s in the car he

thought it was over

and he’s getting rid of guns

right wasn’t he yeah

you have no

idea what it is to get coked up in this little room

look out that window

by the blonde and

there’s like there’ll be a

what do you call

those things a fire hydrant uh huh

but it’s your mind that becomes a dog

could you imagine

if you got like osama

bin laden coked up

could you imagine

if you got someone someone like gaddafi

coked up right now

how paranoid he would be

they just go

like he probably does it

you think he does coke of course

you’re a fucking terrorist you’re probably fucking

fucking hookers

doing daffy’s not a terrorist

he’s a dick or

i mean let me know some

he’s but i mean

yeah he’s the same

thing there was a bad bad person

right enemy

bad person there was a guy called

carlos something

that was part of the meddling cartel in the 80s bad

motherfucker the one that was in charge of

bringing up all the blow he got so

crazy not an a deer

carlos yeah what’s his last name

he wasn’t a deer carlos

i don’t know yeah he was the one that did blow up i

might have made that

up blow was the guy on the island that he went to visit

johnny depp

the guy with the blue eyes right

we had the machine guns and shit this guy

his name is carlo

lay there yes it is laid

there lay there

carlos lay there

carlos laid there got his sentence reduced

he got like nine hundred years

knocked off a sentence he

still got fourteen hundred more to do

he’s the one that went

to the government and said no i gave for the envelopes

face to face

wow and carlos they did how they nailed them was

he was actually getting cameras like ryan does

setting them around a room

he get a plate

blow he sit there

naked with a towel on

and just do bumps and

every once in a

while he go like this a chicken coming suck his dick

smack about

he do more blow

he just tell poetry all day

and finally they got the

melanie cartel got

their hands

on this and they were like this can’t happen

get bush on the phone bush

we got something for you

right i’ll tell you

exactly where he is we’re

gonna email the tape to you

really that’s

the only cartel gave him up

really exactly yeah because they couldn’t take that

this guy was folding he’s making videos

of himself naked

sweating with his eyes this big

doing blow for

twenty four hour pops

fuck charlie sheen this guy is naked

doing bumps and

and you know saying talking

about la luna

you know stars in the mountains

and then he would go on and a

chick would come and suck his dick and he would like

shooter they would just

shoot around tape and they just keep

you see him pulled up by her

ankles and shit he’d be bleeding something

that he’d do more blowing i wish i was lying to you

this guy was killing people on tape doing blows just

sweat not eating for days oh

brilliant shit and then they

stick one of the million

cartel got this near like we can’t have this

wow they went and got him and brought him back they

still have those pictures of him on the plane

next to the marines

he’s just looking

around like what the fuck do i do he knew

exactly turn them in holy shit

did you see

you saw cocaine cowboys

right yeah you know that

woman what’s her name

zelda zelda she’s out

she’s back in columbia man

they get pictures

of her in columbia at the airport hanging out free

and this the

movie just detail

after detail how many people she had killed wow

that bitch the godmother i

think they called her griselda

she made so much money

hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars in coke

money man she was killing people left and

right they got this guy who’s her hitman

who’s in jail and they interview

him in jail and he’s just telling them

all the different times griselda

have made me

kill this guy so i had to go do some business

and i killed this guy how to do some business

and i said i

wouldn’t do that because they wanted me to do a

drive by and there was a baby in the car like whoa

it was fucking colombians they used to

shoot anything bro

this is a picture of you go on daily news

archives 1984

columbia family in brooklyn got

slaughtered

well the kid the room for the wake was fourteen

bodies and there was

twelve kids

oh my god they

sat the kids down

two to twelve and put bullets

in their fucking forehead oh my god the

pictures just they don’t show the

bodies but they show the funeral parlor

and just a roll of fucking

bodies these colombians

and over nothing this is in the

eighties when they were

shooting you over two dollars just to make that point

you know you always

fucking money will

shoot you that was the big

thing about them

right the columbians were

always thought to be the most like columbian necktie

they go cut

your fucking

throat out pull your tongue out

they wanted

they wanted an intimidation at the maximum

get out of the fucking

savages that’s

right next door to us buddy

that’s that’s just like what’s

going on in mexico

that’s happening

right now in a bigger even bigger scale you

know because the colombians even though they had like

they were selling drugs and they were

bringing drugs in

they weren’t getting that much resistance from

their government

you know i mean

it was kind of corrupt the government was part

of their action

yeah it was kind of corrupt but in mexico it’s

not the same man mexico they get a lot of resistance

but it doesn’t matter they’re

still doing it they’re

still doing it so it’s scarier because it’s more like

it’s more militaristic you know

what’s the expression in spanish

blu mo blow mo or plata

that’s the expression bro

that’s a silver of cash

that’s a finish from the rubber guard blow mo or plata

no this call either bullets or money

which one did you show up which ones bullets

blow more plum

oh is bullets yeah block that is cash is cash so

they just show up at your

house put a gun there with an envelope

blow more platter that should be a new rap song

which one you want to choose

your call bitch that’s how they would go

that’s it this

poor fucking girl who was

remember that girl was trying to be a sheriff

in some town and near juarez

remember that shit she was 20 years old

there’s a big

story because this

college girl

decides she’s gonna fucking get

a job as a sheriff and try to clean up the town

within months this poor girl is trying to seek

asylum in america

because they’re trying to kill her i’ll

slice your fucking

throat i’ll

cut you up a little you’re either in or you’re out

no there’s no coming back there’s no no

no that’s a different society this isn’t

terrifying man this isn’t

it’s terrifying shit you know it’s terrifying that

it’s terrifying that we’re not doing anything

about it but yet we’re fucking around in libya

hey bro 1984

december 12th 1984 i was minding my business or 83

i was minding

my business at snowman’s village i didn’t know nothing

about nothing i was just

snorting coke and

going to school at

night and i just had an electrician’s job

and i heard this baboom

and i didn’t know what happened i just went to bed

the next day they

would tell me a

story about this drug deal

named stephen gray bow

he got in a fucking car went to

start it up

they put a bomb on there’s fucking car and aspen

colorado damn some

white dude and i

asked around and then the

papers he was

about to go on

trial for tax evasion

a jewish guy

that was in with the columbia

crazy you don’t want to be here

you want to be in the mountains

Montana yeah not even

Colorado anymore it’s too many fucking momos and

the fucking

money came in the fake fucking

money and what the hillbillies out

the real motherfuckers that you needed

in case you gotta go like Woody

Creek to find those people like you gotta go

woody Creek is that still fucking amateurs to really

bunch of fucking boozes up there you really

you got to go deep

deep in the mountains of Gunnison and shit like that

find those crazy

gunderson gunnison

Brian you got your volume on

we’re echoing

gunnison gunderson gunnison

where’s that

that’s down south

what do you think

about all that shit

about the Denver airport do you know anything

about the conspiracy

behind the Denver airport what is it no

the Denver airport

first of all they

moved way more dirt than they needed to

and so there’s this

all this thought that there’s some sort of subterranean

tunnel system

it’s all based on the end of the

world shelters

they fucked

up staple to the airport was a brilliant airport

it was like

Burbank you could

smuggle a fucking dead fucking

kilo coke in

there nobody said nothing

and all of a

sudden they came up with a bright idea

let’s fucking make an airport

90 miles farther out by Kansas

so when it snows we really get fucking buried

we have no protection

that’s a bunch of cowboys bro making decisions and

trust me they’re too

stupid to even know what a conspiracy theory is well

the people that built it

maybe but if the government was really

truly behind it like all

these people think

what it is is that they

made an airport there

but in constructing the airport they also

built some sort of

underground safeguard

stronghold there

so there’s got to be some kinky yeah

well you know if it’s

close I mean that

would be a move right no

resin airport and then

build some shelters I mean that airport is bike

fucking Kansas when you

watch Kansas

there ain’t

dick out there that’s what they call it the airport

it was easy man when I

lived in Denver or in Boulder

it was easy to

drive there how

often to drive fucking hour nothing

never any traffic

be 25 minutes

here’s the deal though bro

there’s no traffic out that don’t matter used to be

25 minutes with no traffic

on some fucking tunes

crack the window a little bit

they built this

monster to spend

money yeah they

built this monster

this monster to

to just you

know like when I went to fucking Newark to see the

fights with you

they we did Newark they

built the soccer stadium

right fucking soccer stadium and newer

they’re spending

money left and

right but they

still can’t put a left hand turning signal

so if you got to make a left

29 fucking miles of people got

well they’re trying to keep up

their reputation as the car Jack capital of the

world and if you

got like some left turn signals you got some outlook

people can escape

can escape the

drama fucking

amazing that’s the

thing about that it’s like

you know they

think that’s

there’s something really

going on inside that Denver airport there’s all

these documentaries

dedicated to it

and one of the reasons for it is because

there’s these

crazy murals that they’re

painted up in the Denver airport

and they’re really disturbing man

they’re apocalyptic

like one guy’s got a fucking gas mask on

with a giant

sword and there’s like

pictures of children and coffins and there’s

in the background have you ever seen that shit yeah but

yeah we’ve actually talked

about it on this podcast before we

did yeah but do you

think that has anything to do with

with that and they

keep putting the 2

together I don’t

think that it does

definitely but

it’s interesting

you know I mean I’ll have opinion

one way or another I’ve listened to the people talk

about how it’s some great

escape base and then

2012 there’s gonna be

you know fucking

asteroids gonna hit that they’re

tracking it’s

gonna kill everybody

except the people that are in this

underground bunker

I don’t know man

I watch the TV show on

those dudes

those dudes that have

they’ve bought like

fucking condos

out in these

shelters out in like

Death Valley and shit

have you seen those

people have

space in Death Valley and so they have

a condo inside this

underground bunker

thing it’s out in the middle of fucking nowhere

you have to

drive and you go out there

and they had

these shows I forget who was the host of the show

but they took you on a tour

of these fucking but

might have been

Jesse Ventura

no it wasn’t him

because they had a

sense of humor but

whoever it was was like really

and they take on his fucking tour of these

underground bunkers that they have set up

where they can survive a fucking nuclear bomb

I mean these guys are like

half a mile deep in the fucking

earth so you survived the bomb now it’s you and

8 fucking Momo

8 assholes looking at each

other listen

just live your fucking life

these people that dig into that shit and

just live your fucking life

we get hit by a bomb the best

thing you could do is move on to the fucking next life

pray to God it’ll be fucking better you hear

that Doors music dude yeah

what the fuck is

wrong with people

I’m gonna live in a bucket you imagine

being living

your life consumer what happened when the bomb drops

at the 1960

those people that shit wore off

in the 60s they all

moved into buildings with

underground drops

with little fucking

sandwiches that’s how Tang was fucking invention

where did they invent the time for

so when we go in that fucking

tunnel of doom

and after the Russians fuck everybody in the ass

we could come out

where we got

Vitamin C from the fucking Tang that’s what Tang

was invented for

but guess what

our fears aren’t the Russians anymore

it’s a lot bigger than that and whatever’s

gonna hit now

right now there’s a

thing going on in Japan

well we don’t fucking know they’re

lying to the people just like

everything else

they’re lying a 20 mile radius that shit’s horrible

that shit is horrible radiation is fucking horrible

and the best is all

these people are raising

their hands now

we have radiation in Key West don’t

blame it on fucking

Japan don’t

blame it on

Japan now that’s not

japan’s for you guys fed radiation on your own

you greasy motherfuckers down there off the

coast of Florida

you filthy cocksuckers

now you wanna

blame on the poor fucking Japs they’re

walking around with fucking Mask and

his radiation in Florida that’s primarily

poked up whores

jerking guys off

creating heat in the air

sperm that they put in the fucking beach

during CSI Miami

see all these

chicks Brazilian

jumping up and down with that ass

that’s what that fucking is

pussy fucking

nasty radiation but there’s something

extra dirty

about porn that you get from

Miami you ever

watch porn from Miami

yeah cause it’s almost

like they’re like retarded people fucking yeah you know

I mean and they’re always oiled up to yeah oil dropping

and just something

about it like you can’t relate it’s hard to even jerk

off trouble Joe Rogan

never mind the Martians and what’s

going on we’re

fucking trouble

this thing in

Japan is a lot

worse than what they’re saying

you think so fuck yeah

what makes you say this

just I just know our society and then

scares wait till

those fucking Japanese

start coming out with 6 fucking eyes and she don’t know

which ones looking at you

then they’re

gonna say what is that better so you can see better

maybe you know

maybe that’s

2012 that’ll

be our next mutation

an adaptation to radiation

this is not

are there any animals besides

roaches that are really good with radiation

roaches is supposed to be the best at it right

yeah you guys

live through anything but is that is that even

is that even just like

a wild tale yeah I don’t know

someone should do us a

favor now we know that the

Japan is fucked

send a box of

cockroaches over there with a webcam on it

let’s see what’s up

you know if you love America go over there and do that

stupid fucking

water all that soil

and they don’t know what the fuck’s going on

you know what now

besides that were all

spread out were in Libya

were in this fucking plan what the fuck are you

crazy are you fucking crazy

these guys are just sitting there waiting it’s like

it’s like you’re just waiting for us to wear out before

before you focus in there yeah

what’s that

guy we’ve been looking for for 11 years something like

he’s just sitting there

going all we got him now

this spread out like

motherfuckers

we’ll just light a fire

in Kansas CNN

Breaking News I get CNN

Breaking News

sent to my phone holla

US intelligence

source CIA is operating inside Libya

to help us increase military and political

understanding

what that means somebody’s

about to get Jack

bitch what kind

of horse shit

quote is that

oh the CIA is there to increase military and political

understanding

no this is what we want you to do do you understand

okay here’s the political

understanding

we got the bombs

bitch okay we got fucking robots

that we can operate from Nevada

okay you don’t even see them cause they

blend in with the sky

and they don’t make any

noise cause they’re fucking

solar powered

and they can contain

Hellfire missiles

hellfire that’s what I decided to name them

not you know

the Beautiful Flower missile or

Lick My Asshole missile

no hellfire

hellfire missiles and they’re

shooting them from another fucking part of the world

imagine the lag they have

they must have to really like plan a shot in advance

like just like playing

Quake Online when you got lag if you have like a 56k

connection and there’s some asshole you’re playing

against you got a

cable modem

you know he gets to move

quicker than you because his downtime is pain time

between connecting to the server and back is much

quicker so you’re fucked

so these guys must have like super lag

listen dog in 1985 we went to see Rambo

to and that

motherfucker took an

arrow out on the explosive at the end

and when he shot it all of us lost our

mind nobody like the

black people

black people love

arrows with explosives

I’ve seen that

movie on the 78th

street I’ve never seen

black people go

crazy in my life when Rambo came

out of the mud and his eyes opened up and choked the

motherfucker

black people went bananas

they’re like yelling we

should have thought of that what is it

about black dudes

they love watching martial arts

love it they love anything

special like a dude doing some

crazy shit like

oh that motherfucker got a gun in his shoe

check that shit out

there’s something

about it dude pulls his shoe off and

guns down the bad guy like oh shit no he didn’t

what is that what is it

they’re just very

vocal they’re excited

the best thing

about this is that was 20 years ago

the shit we got now as bombs and

stuff is off the

oh a lot of charts we got a bomb that comes

out as a car that follows you to the gas station bro

and while you’re pumping gas

it turns into a bomb a guy pops on taps your shoulder

says goodbye

that’s the shit we got

we got shit that comes to your

house dressed up like a cake

happy birthday

and when you go to

block the candles

it just fucking blows up we got some shit now

you know what I saw that was really

crazy they got this rover

this remote controlled

drone rover that’s moving around

that can jump in the air

it gets up to a fence

and I thinking go like

8 or 9ft in the fucking air wow and

it moves up to the fence and then it just goes doink

and flies through the air and lands in the side

and it looks like it

basically looks like like some sort of a flat box

you know where all the

electronics is

with like 2 tractor 2 rubber tractor

things on the side of it I guess

and the fucking

thing flies through the air

I mean what

what’s next

you know that’s the

other thing that

people are thinking

about a lot of the shit that’s

going down in Afghanistan

a lot of the shit that’s

going down in the Middle East period

is that the CIA

he’s got all kinds of shit

going on all kinds of little kinds of little

drones and explosives

blowing up in convenient spots to

spark anger and

you know that’s what they do like that’s what they do

spark war and get you know

they’ve always

done that and with the bottom line of this what do you

think is really

going on they figured

some Libyan doctor

figure out a way how to grow 50 kilos of

heroin in your bathtub

in the United States find

out that Jack that

motherfucker

kadafi’s got an army of

motherfuckers around this

guy with missiles and explosives but the United States

is jacking this guy’s got something to do with H

it’s got something

to do with fucking why we’re over there in the fucking

first place

the whole nucleus of this

thing people are

dying in Detroit from heroin

yeah this fucking war and we’re

still now we’re

gonna take over Libya

boxes of money

bro isn’t it amazing how many people who

think you’re

crazy when you

start talking

about the fact they’re in Afghanistan for heroin

people go what are you talking about

they’ll look at you like you just fucking

just ate a bowl of shit they’re looking

like you all you’re

ridiculous person

yeah we’re at war for heroin

where do you

think that money is

going man where’s that

money going

what is you know much

money we’re talking

about they can ignore that you’re fucking

crazy we want

to take over a country so we can eat better

gyros that’s what you’re telling me gyro

go fuck yourself

we’re taking over a country so we can take

over that fucking loot dog

yeah that’s the bottom line

it’s a lot of

bottom line there’s all

sorts of loot over there

and there’s all sorts of loot in Libya too I mean it’s

is it a fucking coincidence

that for whatever reason we decide to attack Libya

instead of going to Mexico

and straighten out that bullshit

that’s right next

door but all mexico’s got burritos

burritos and hookers and donkeys and

tequila there’s not a lot of shit to offer

Mexicans getting

ready though

but listen got some

crazy motherfuckers down there

well they gotta

clean up their problem they got a big problem and

it’s because of the United States it’s a big part of it

they wanted to make

everything legal

they wanted to

you know they did you know that

here’s a little known fact

Mexico has decriminalized everything

small amounts when you’re not selling it

everything’s

legal now you

could get acid in Mexico

you can get mushrooms in Mexico they

decriminalize everything

just because they had to allocate resources to

fight these fucking drug lords

I mean that’s a

that’s a gone country that country’s gone the country

doesn’t have a government anymore it’s

right next door

right next door

right next door

right next door the fucking

drug army is it’s like

going to war with someone who lives in your country

it’s like if we were

fighting Al

Qaeda but Al Qaeda had billions of dollars

and was way more armed and

they were living here

that’s what it’s like

that’s what it’s like being a

fucking cop

in Mexico here’s the

crazy thing Mexico

is coming back to get what’s

theirs bitch

California Texas

rock you can’t take

Texas it’s not

gonna happen

you can’t take

even the Mexicans will they go around

Texas and Jack Wyoming

Jack Dallas

Dallas our cannon

shit they’ll give them a beat no

you can’t the outskirts of

Texas they’ll come out of

their hunting

blinds and kill you

I don’t have a

chance he already

lives there

ted Nugent lives in Waco now yeah you can’t fuck with

Texas fuck yeah he does

he’s got a high fence I’ve always admired

I think he’s a retard

but I think he does a lot of

things that I really

agree with and one of the

things that I

agree with is

when he lived in Michigan he had this badass compound

wheel at 2 000 acres or something like that

and it was all fenced in

and he had all

these animals

living inside his compound and he

would just go and Jack em

and that’s where he got all his food from

he got all his food from hunting on his own property

and I’m like

god damn it that’s fucking brilliant that’s how I

wanna live I

would love to live like that just eat what you hunt

yeah that’s one of the reasons why I was into

moving to Colorado

one of the reasons why I was up there was like

look at the shit hits the fan

living in the woods you

know there’s a lot of animals out here in the spring

water that comes out

and fucking

shooting a pig

yeah cook them in a fucking cave with your kids and

a cave just giving them all fucking

silverware and living in a tent with fucking heaters

the shit ever

went down and got kinky can you imagine that kinky

kinky dog kinky

shit gets kinky dog in that game

with my you

motherfuckers

so I’m excited

about Oregon oregon’s one of

those yeah we’re

gonna have a good fucking time oregon’s one of those

states that’s

been on the grid for years but nobody knew

about they kept it hush hush

used to get

some good weed in Oregon 15 fucking years ago yeah

pass Ashland

Eugene Bend oregon’s a hippie fucking

foundation over there but portland’s a pretty hippie

place too is very hippie

place up there girls have

dirty feet yeah

they have dirty feet

gotta make them

put cut socks on

fuck socks and

put socks on and

don’t breathe in my mouth

Portland was the

place that I went to last year

and we were at

trying to find the most

attractive person in a Costco

for like 1/2 hour meeting the girl I was with

who would you fuck yeah and we couldn’t find anyone so

Costco though dude go to a Costco and Burbank

again with a

bunch of cripples

there too I know but that’s a packed Costco I

can find one string

you need to go to a better places

so there’s a

smaller amount

smaller amount of people you’d want to fuck up

that’s okay dude

you’re gonna be okay

I’ll be okay

gotta live somewhere

if this place falls apart

then I went to the there’s too many

humans here

no there’s too many

yeah but we keep on saying that but we’re

not doing anything

about it I did

I did I fucking

moved man the only reason

why I came back is because Mrs Rogan got pregnant

because the dog got

eaten by a mountain

yeah it wasn’t for that suburb

that’s my next move

what are you talking about

it’s not like I’m already talking to real estate

agents oh snap

you don’t know she’ll let you talk all that nonsense

this is the

move the move is you go and you get a summer place

and you try it out and live there for a summer then it

becomes like

be super nice

while you’re there so it becomes all nostalgic you

know so I just

every time we’re there I’ll just

bring home flowers

and shit and

then we come back to LA

and then it’s all

jiu jitsu and loud

music and too much pot smoke so

la’s negative

yeah daddy’s

crazy in LA

daddy just wants to

fight and smoke

pot and he’s walking around naked no

in Colorado

daddy wants to go get ice cream

and daddy’s

bringing flowers home see

you just train them bro is the problem you

got blowing

farts on earlier I

love you to

death I love you to death

here’s the problem Joe roland’s got

Joe rogan’s got a great wife

and Joe Rogan I went to his home last week

and that was one of the

first times that Mrs Rogan was home a couple times

so I’ve been up there

like 4 times Mrs Rogan likes to rock the house Mrs

Roland don’t like to sit at home

and the problem is all

up where you live now all you

gotta do is go down the hill and she get the

party started

where you put it before

motherfucker that’s a witness

relocation plan

she had to drive 90

miles before she even seen a denny’s dog

it was another 20

miles she was from All Weapon Boulder

the first mall that she cares

about is Cherry fucking Creek

you know I’m saying so you had a 2

floors at Denver

yeah you had too far away from the mall

you gotta keep a closer to the mall

you had a 90 fucking

miles dog and I

slipped on the you know what I love

the most the

head up there

what I love the most living up there was that

there was a

small amount of people man

boulders only got 100 000 plus people not that much man

and people are friendlier like that there’s

a more relaxed vibe and I

think that shit is healthy

think there’s something

exciting about living in a big city

especially if you’re

you know you’re involved in the hustle and bustle

and you’re really trying to make something happen and

you know I don’t know I can’t

believe that

if you got the

voice you probably get

married again

after a week you dumb

fuck you talking a real to get

are you really talking to a realtor

is gonna shut that

party out you

gotta figure out a way to get a fucking car for her

to the mall

where the action I

could do that don’t worry

about that you

gotta move a little closer

that was too yeah

a little close and you just need to move to

Texas Texas is

cool this is the answer

I like Austin

I’m a big fan of that Austin

Texas I’ll tell you that I’d live there

if I was gonna live but

more land still weed is not

legal there

the thing about

Colorado was just like

California you

could just go rock weed

everywhere and

people moved to Austin

no not yet not yet

the shit hits the fan anything can happen you know when

the shit hits a fan then everybody gets scared then you

start making

survival choices anyway you can live in

Kansas you know you’d rather be healthy in

Kansas you know but

the weed stores in

Colorado are just like out here bro it’s just out there

everywhere there’s one

place in Denver

where there’s fucking

7 of them on a

street Bing

Bing Bing Bing Bing

is it easier to get a

license though the

same same deal

I get headaches

okay bang prescription son I didn’t

know it was like we don’t want you to have a headache

20 minutes away from me when I was

shooting that

movie yeah right

in the mountains they had

nice like a doctor oh yeah there’s a

place that I

used to go to in the mountains it was like a gift shop

and they were

doing they were struggling they were doing terrible

and you know the fucking they were

about to lose

their business

and then they

started selling weed in the back of the gift shop

legal they got a

legal license

boom now they’re balling

now they’re

about to open

their one place they open up in Boulder is

supposedly I don’t know if it’s open yet

but they were talking

about it was

gonna be 30,000 square feet it was

gonna be 3 floors

I don’t know if they went through with it I need to

find out if they did yeah because that’s just the most

ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard

that’s a goddamn

shopping in the Walmart

yeah a Walmart of weed yeah

but they had

great spots there man they had

great spots we can get weed

I got some fucking weed

2 days ago in Hollywood it’s 31% THC

you don’t even this day

even necessary

what time was it

again it’s Matt oh

I’ve been smoking mat since 2006

and you got to figure that

every year gets a little

strong it’s that trade

week they pay this girl

I forgot to

bring a But

it looks like one of the Martians from Independence Day

you can see the sativa

and liquor growing around it

it’s like a hybrid fucking beautiful

what if I tell you I have a joint of that right now

why we give it to you

huh no I went and got it no you didn’t yeah I did

go get that shit son

do you really have some

what’s it called

max number one OG

bring it back and

spark it kid oh that shit is fucking

strong yeah I had to go to the gym but I

was fucked up

sounds good dogs

like Oregon is

gonna be fun last time we

have our time

I went to Eugene Oregon with Jody Ferdy

and we had a Saturday

night there for a one

night at for Triple

but was the same

night that there was a convention for like the

American Association

of Retarded Children I don’t want to say it wrong

but it was like the children that you know

Special Olympics

right and they had a lot

of little retarded kids running around so when I go to

check in I’m high as a

motherfucker

there’s all

these kids with balloons

and and I’m just

freaking cause Oregon

got some deep weed

you know I’m saying

right right

right we got some at the gas station

Brian you gonna love this shit so I got a lighter

we check into the

hotel in Eugene and Joe this is not 10

or 15 of them

this is 600 children

you know Special Olympics

200 retarded ones and

their parents

well so I go to my room you know we

small we do the show

the show is in the

hotel but on a different part they having a little

dance you had

to see this they were all holding hands little balloons

and the disco and it was very cute to see

but if a lot with the

story that a lot of people don’t know is

retarded guys boys are the

strongest motherfuckers in the

world that most perverted

really oh I’ve

heard that before like

a retarded boy they go fucking nuts if you see them

if you show them your pussy

so listen to me we’re in the fucking comedy club and

often they switch it at 10 o’clock they

switch it to turn into a disco

and jody’s got a couple cocktails in it she

started dancing she got big titties at the time

and there’s this little retarded boy who

breaks away from the fucking pile

and goes into the dance and he starts to look at Jody

and you could see Joe Rogan

that he’s losing his fucking mind oh no

and finally he goes I want to

dance with starts dancing with

but he started to answer with and he starts

grinding when the Joey thinks it’s cute

and all of a sudden

they come in there like there he is there’s little

David and they come to grab and

David fucking snaps like one of

those fucking gorillas in the zoo

right now they had 3 black doormen

that were trying to tackle little Timmy

little Timmy was throwing them around like Brock

Lesnar throwing around fucking John Fitch

just picked the whole offensive line of the

Giants couldn’t held this little retard down

3 fucking black gorillas and he just pushed them on

and they did they

are they did the

no no no no he seen

those titties he went fucking apeshit

he’s pushing the counters came

down to throw them on the fucking

floor and put his hand

and then and

then he seen them titties

you were fucking ape shit dog

whoa those little cards go fucking bananas when

you show them this little what cards

and it was just titty can you imagine if it was the

monkey who would have jump

bro these these

this is the University of Eugene

these are big

black football players

they couldn’t control this little

12 year old he was banging them

throwing them around like

it was only

1212 or 13 just

throwing these fucking

black guys around

and I never

forget that that they had to put them on the floor

handcuff them

shoot them tranquilize them

this little fucking poor

kid seen titties and he went fucking bananas bananas

that’s crazy

I wonder if

they’re just doing what everybody wants to do but just

doesn’t have the

ball the wall they had they don’t have the walls that

that to break down yeah you know what I mean yeah

what if that’s what people like

instinctively want to do

you think like

that way yeah retards can’t be like

extra more horny right

no they probably not

extra horny

I put that fan on them

sweating like Joe rogan’s

house without the electricity and I’m saying

you killing me here woo

bro this kid went fucking bananas he ripped that’s

Jerry you can’t even beat them up

what do you do

you can’t drop a bomb on a

funny thing was that they

built like a wall at

first when they

threw him out

first they asked him to

leave and he was like they

built like the

guys got shoulder

shoulder right and he was

grabbing their

shoulders huh

whoa I mean it was fucking

scary they don’t know they look bad

you know that’s one of the

weird things

about people that are retarded or Down

syndrome or whatever

you don’t seem to know

you know they just kind of are they

just behave they don’t like God

why am I so fucking

stupid you’re so smart

no they’re not like that

they’re just themselves

you know what I mean

it’s like that must be a strange strange existence

where you know that’s part of being dumb

is that you’re

too dumb to realize you’re dumb you know and if you

I’m not saying dumb like

they’re lazy like they have an

issue there’s a mental issues

a mental imbalance

whatever the fuck it is but I mean

they’re impaired

but they’re

so impaired they don’t know they’re impaired

like they’ve

lost the ability to see that they’re impaired

you know what’s a strange

thing what if they all have an

inner voice

that’s completely normal

but they can’t take A to B

you know you know what I mean

so the whole time they’re just like

I can’t believe how much they

treat me so

horrible and I wish I You know but they can’t

when they try to say it it’s like

murmur from

Tater Tots well

there’s probably

now though there’s probably a lot of that yeah I

think there’s a

bunch of different

types of you

know being fucked up

right you know for sure there’s that too

you know it’s not it’s not just simple as you know

there’s some of there’s varying degrees

yeah there’s varying degrees

along the way that are you know means fucking

crazy thing man

to have your mind impaired you know and like

look our minds are impaired in

comparison I was

watching this fucking

12 year old kid

his autistic kid with a hundred and

70 IQ doing

his take on the theory of relativity

and he’s writing out equations on this fucking window

and I’m watching this kid I’m like this kid

might as well be a fucking alien

alright I don’t know what he’s doing I have no idea

he’s explaining

this like this is all simple simple shit

when this is so far beyond my capacity

to him to this artistic kid I’m retarded

okay I am this guy who he has to

humor because I can’t

understand a fucking word or letter

a single part of his equation I don’t know what’s

going on up there

it’s chaos to me

but to him it’s so

clear it’s a language it’s like well

quite simply you have to move this and this becomes X

equals Y equals to

we are the retards

to that kid

hmm you know maybe like

maybe like you know people with Down

syndrome they feel bad with people don’t have Down

syndrome maybe

it’s just like us we feel bad with people have autism

right my gosh

poor kids got

autism man he can’t engage in all the normal

emotional things that we do meanwhile this

motherfuckers

you know count

counting to a billion in his head

while he’s talking to you

about how a

television is

constructed

you know maybe we’re retards to them

maybe you know they look at us and they go

these poor fucks

they can’t even do math in

their head they don’t

they can’t see through walls

they can’t read people’s minds you know

well but some people are just

I had a kid in the 8th graders name is Michael ala

Greta Sicilian kid

he had been

fresh off the boat in the fucking 6th grade

by the 8th grade this

motherfucker

spoke 3 languages oh my God

I like to go do

these all that Sicilian

ship he picked up Spanish

he picked up English

and I used to just sit and look

at him off you know I’m saying like he was such a cool

motherfucker that

I just wanted to hang

with him he was so and he was a nerd we used to play

when you when

we used to play hockey we hit him in the chins with the

with the hockey

stick and he go oh yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

so I would die

he was an immigrant

to the back with my dog Michael alas and

he but this kid knew nothing when he came off a boat

January in the

6th grade by the 8th

grade he knew

3 fucking language he

would talk to me in Spanish

talk to you in English like nothing

and get a’s you know some people it’s

work ethic too

some people just they have this insane work

ethic and people that get a chance to come to America

so much different than being born in America

we don’t have any fucking idea

you live you know you’re living in fucking Guatemala

or some shit you know

your your opportunities are fucking few and far between

you know you’re living in some

place that’s impoverished

you’re kind of fucked man

but when you’re in America dude holy shit

so these guys you know

their family gets them together look we’re

gonna move to America one have a better life and

you realize you’re leaving

everything behind you’re putting all your fucking ship

and cargo planes and

you’re all sitting together crammed in

coach and eating

fruit out of your mom’s

purse and just

hoping that when you get there

things are gonna

be better and you don’t know anybody there and how

scary is this

so when those

motherfuckers get to

school they come out guns blazing

you know they

appreciate the fact that holy shit

I used to live in Italy

now here I am in the land of the free the home of the

brave you know I’m in America and I’m in

school and I’m

learning English

and I’m just

gonna go fucking

crazy over here

they’re just so

happy and Joe Rogan that’s the 1/2 of it

because I didn’t

leave Cuba crying when we

moved I woke up on 89th

Street and Riverside Drive

I had all the fucking

things that a rich kid

would have right

and here I was walking

around this fucking city but I didn’t know English

and all you

wanna do in your

heart is just fit in

and you have no idea this is not

trying to fit in when you’re in grammar

school and you

should get a

tattoo or long hair

all you wanna know is

for them not to know that you came from somewhere else

I can’t describe it to you I can’t even fucking

start to tell you

like sometimes I have this

anger at me and it’s

cause I I we

were so lucky

we were so lucky any 3 of us

could have been born one of

those black kids and fucking Haiti with

flies on you yeah any 3 of us

and we have so many fucking opportunities

and sometimes I wake up in the

morning this really hits me sometimes I go how fucking

lucky am I that my

mother came here

and here I am sitting here smoking dope

I gotta go mug somebody

you know I’m saying like

think about that’s what an immigrant was like

you know I’m

telling you for a long time I’ve been writing this

thing and that’s how it

starts with it

you know I don’t remember anything I don’t remember the

plane right from Cube I remember nothing

all I remember is

crossing the fucking street

on 89th and

Broadway up to PS One C 6 66

and thinking to myself finally I’m

gonna be a fucking American

what does that mean

looking at that flag

really believe in something dog

it’s not just a

piece of fucking rag

looking at that flag and going

What the fuck

like looking at the wind blowing that flag and going

What the fuck

that flag is

the answer to all my fucking problem that’s the answer

right there

but even at that

age I knew my

mother was fucking crazy so

I knew I was

in the full fledged American but looking at that flag

when you look at that flag and you just come here

they have a

scene in the

beginning of Scarface when they’re on the boat

and they finally

see land and they show the American flag

and the director

whoever the guy is brilliant enough to show

he showed it from a different

angle what that flag looks like it’s not just

we overlooked that flag

every fucking day

we overlooked that flag

you don’t know what it is to look at that flag when you

first come here

and to know that that’s your fucking that’s your

magic carpet

it’s the highest

ideal in the

world it’s the highest

ideal that’s why it’s

so infuriating when politicians are fucking corrupt

that’s why it’s so you know people say

you know why do you criticize

what America does overseas don’t you love America

yeah if you love it you want to tell the fucking

truth about what it’s doing

you know if you love it you’re supposed to

stand up and go what the fuck is

going on it’s like

you don’t love it by letting it get away with

stupid shit

because there’s some corrupt

content the

wheel that’s not

doesn’t mean you don’t love the idea

of America I fucking love the idea of America for sure

always remember we only see the one side of that flag

we never see both sides together gentlemen

and that’s the point we

only see that one side of the flag

right now you discuss that the CIA is setting up

things in Libya

when are they setting up they’re

starting the war they’re

starting business yeah

they’re getting

things going

that’s the other side of that flag that we’re

never able to see we only

see once you

put a mirror on the

other side of the flag you know

I’m saying that’s the one side of the flag that we have

since we accept this side of the flag

we gotta accept that side

yeah the only way that side

this side is possible

where it’s easy to

drive around

is if they’re doing all this creepy shit you

gotta bring

unless we bring the whole

world together in on everything

and that’s just not

gonna happen and we’ve done creepy fucking shit

and they’re

gonna do creepy shit too and

we can’t trust them

you know you can’t

trust people to be cool

you know look the

natural instinct if someone can get into a position of

power is to be qaddafi

that’s the natural instinct

the natural instinct is to get Botox when you’re 80

have this big

stupid looking rubber face

wear goofy clothes

and just be running shit

even though you’re this old cunt

living in some fucking castle with billions of

dollars why is

he doing that job can you tell me why is he doing that

maybe we put that billions of

dollars for

money that side

that flag is

money Joe Rogan

that’s a lot of people

never had comprehend that

that’s the reality of it

stand up is a beautiful

thing to do

yeah some guys are brilliant

some guys aren’t doing the millionaires the

other 4 between the crack

the other side the

stand up it’s a business

yeah it really is

a fucking business guys and it’s like anything else the

other side of that flag

is a business guys

and the same way we want Social Security when we’re 65

our country has to do sell a couple kilos

every once in a while

to replenish

those fucking funds you know what I’m saying

and that’s a side the American public don’t wanna know

that’s the side that included Kennedy

that’s the side that Alex

Jones talks about

whether it’s

true or not that’s the side we’re not supposed to see

we’re supposed to be

focused on the other side

on what that machine is supposed to mean to us and

for guys like

you and I I like looking behind the curtain but I don’t

I don’t because I grew up in a corrupt

hometown I seen what politics is

out of my new

level I can’t even

dream of what it is in a national fucking level when

I’m taking political contributions but I’m

gonna pass your fucking Bill so you could

pass that law that’ll

make people’s hands grow back

but they’re also

gonna give him cancer in the eyeballs

that’s part of it

it grows when

I grew up in it when it was in the

micro process

now it’s in

the national

level of corruption is in a

macro process

and it starts with little

things and townships

where is a macro

smaller than my yeah

micro macro I’m a little high I’m sorry

guys but you

understand Mike I know exactly what you’re saying yeah

it’s very interesting

corruption if not

checked grows it all just keeps getting

bigger it’s not like they go hey we got to cut the shit

I know we’ve been making millions of dollars on the

sneak tip but everybody’s gotta stop

right now and I’m not kidding

why are you

still making money

these Wikileak

things are pretty cool for

their country I

think in general

that’s why these assholes

wanna put that guy in jail they

wanna say it compromises Americans

no it doesn’t

he did exactly what the New York

Times was supposed to do if they got that information

we should have

done that on twitter

though can you imagine if there was just like this

twitter address that everyone followed that everyone

well they have

no tweet twitter

by the way JFK here’s

pictures of JK

SO and cocaine too

dude wikileaks has a twitter and they really

they really should

on twitter they released

it on twitter

they released

some an article about how

different parts of

the American economy are

influenced by

genetically modified foods and how we are trying to

force them on

other countries

and we’re fucking with

other countries if they

don’t go into the genetically modified food they don’t

start growing like Monsanto corn and shit like that

these giant companies

are way too embedded into the political system

they’re not doing

stuff for the

greater good of people they’re doing

stuff for the profitability

of giant corporations that

moved them into position in the

first place

the whole thing has been corrupted

like to sit down and pretend

that it’s real is insulting

it’s like a

stupid argument

it’s like people

argue about pro wrestling

you know it’s like what are you arguing

about this is a fake nonsense process

if you can’t

notice that from

Obama obama’s

gonna pull all the

troop out of it

oh he’s not

Obama won the Nobel

Peace Prize

and then he sent

30,000 more fucking

troops to Afghanistan

I mean come on man

thank you look at all the shit that he’s done to

allow these cunts to get away with

stealing all that fucking

money in that bailout

I watched that Inside Job movie

dude that shit is disgusting disgusting

it’s disgusting

how deep the corruption is the financial

the whole financial sector

it’s scary dude

they have the people that are

regulators eventually get jobs with the banks

like how the fuck

you’re telling

me you work as a guy who’s working for the SEC

and you’re looking

into banks and corruption and shit like that

and then when you quit you get a job with the bank

how the fuck are you not in jail

how the fuck are you not in jail

you were the one

responsible

for looking over these

motherfuckers

while they were doing all sorts of

crazy shit betting on

things failing and betting

3 times more than a business is worth and

speculatives and

and betting

again and fucking

forcing clients to buy shit they knew wasn’t good

like they did a lot of

crazy creepy shit and got away with it

and the only one who got popped is that Bernie made off

those motherfuckers

should all be in jail

they should be a mass jailing

and they’re not they’re not jailing anybody

then it’s bullshit

then it’s all

bullshit it’s all bullshit that they’re not

you you gotta like hold them the most

accountable you can and it’s barely at all people’s

dreams people’s

dreams when you

steal people’s

dreams that’s the

worst thing in the fucking world

you 63 years old or somebody calls you says you’re not

gonna get you

your money at

18:-6 all that

money you put away

that happens

those guys a lot too

tap into a lot of fucking people people at

60 I just watched them

about a month ago people 71

getting part time fucking jobs now

the 69 this fucking

movie showed

I believe it was

Iceland how they went in and Jack the Icelandic economy

in like a couple of years

these banks went in and just fucking

just created bubbles and

started making

crazy money

spending in access

and then it all failed

and people were fucked

they had like the most

stable the most

normalized economy

like it was a beautiful economy

everything was running smooth

people were hard workers people got shit done

they lived a life of you know relative prosperity

now they’re fucked

everybody lost

everything everyone’s fucked

everyone’s pissed you

think that guy’s in

the States I

think it already has

there he has what is this bailout what is this

how do you how do

these people get money

when their banks failed

well they have

bonuses in their contract

bonuses how the fuck do you get a

bonus when the bank fails

like the idea

that you have to respect them and that they can’t lose

that’s just

there it’s so corrupt have

you seen the size of

bonuses millions and millions of

dollars and this is from banks

where we had to pay them

we gave them

money and they’re giving out money

either way if your bank fucking fails

you can’t get a bonus

you can’t get a

bonus I’m smiling

the bank fucking failed

do you take no

personal responsibility

like who takes responsibility

somebody and it shouldn’t be the guy that

stands to make a bonus

if the bank does well that

should be the guy who takes personal responsibility

so when the bank fucking fails

you don’t get your

bonus cunt face

it’s it it’s that simple

why why the fuck can’t the president say that

instead he’s like

we’re gonna you know load

limited to half $1,000,000 half 1,000,000

fucking dollars

for a bonus when your bank fails

what do you want

these motherfuckers are so not living in reality

and most people’s reality

these cunts cost

so many fucking people

their life savings

and they have to get

their bonuses

in the president’s like well we have to give it to him

what the fuck are you talking

about you have to give it to him

you can’t just step in go cut the shit

are you fucking

crazy no you can’t get

$30,000,000

after your fucking bank fails

no in the middle of a

crazy downed economy where

billions of dollars from taxpayers

money been funneled to the fucking banks

to keep them afloat

no you can’t get a

bonus fuck head

you’re lucky you have a job you’re

lucky your head is attached to your fucking

shoulder not

gonna get in 90 fucking years yeah you’re

lucky you’re not in jail forever in Haiti

can I ask you a

question have you followed what’s

going on in the city of Belle

bell was bell bell

California is a city that the fucking guys just jacked

what happened like the fuck you

gotta get up

early in the morning for this

cause they talk

about like KTLA it’s a city here

of Bell off the 6 o 5 or something

and all the may everybody it was as corrupt as can be

they have been jacking millions

so if it’s at that city of Bell

if the corruption is that deep the cops were having

ticket contests

really oh this is

every day on the news they come up with more

should the guy just got reinvited

this is old

school Jersey shit like really school

where’s Bell bell California

I think like

more than 30 minutes from here so

really yeah

30 45 it’s close yeah

they just been

having this shit in there lately it’s a shit

store they all

they will all

steal it all 5 guys are

stealing big boys

I don’t understand how they feel like no one’s

gonna get caught

it’s like good

fucking trail

remember good

fellas and Robert you know how to

start killing people because you’re

spending too much money yeah

that’s the same goddamn

thing man that was a

great scene wasn’t it

when you realize the guy

came in his wife had a fucking beautiful fur coat on

it’s like what the fuck are you doing

and then they did they

know they have to kill this guy and then this

photos of him and his wife shot in the car

what a great goddamn

movie that was that

movie was on the other

night and I walked in the park with her at the

mother’s house

and then borrowing the knife

but you got to

think of that

whole scene they’re borrowing a

knife to stab this guy in the car

meanwhile while they’re eating the guys in the

trunk of the fucking car

eating like it’s the 4th of July yeah

they’re eating eggs and

bread and fucking telling stories remember the

painting yeah

that is that

was for me such

that is such a sick fucking

movie right there it’s a great

movie what do you want from me

there’s not that many of

those there’s very few of

those that ever get that good

you know there’s very few

movies that ever like hit that

that’s like a perfect movie

good Fellas is like a perfect fucking movie

everything about it

especially when you see it 20 years later

when she was

screaming at Ray Liotta and he

he starts laughing and runs away cause

gacked out of his fucking mind

she’s screaming at him

and he’s laughing

remember when they were packaging up the coke

and his girlfriend was getting pissed off

you know she’s got her just fucking

making coke for him now he’s banging her on the side

still with his wife

and he’s got her packaging coke for him and then

you know he

leaves laughing and she fucking

throws the coke

at the door you remember that shit is the craziest

thing ever I

gotta tell you

is the craziest thing ever

when he gets to that scene

and I did coke for 30 years when he gets to that

scene and he snorts and he pops his head up

and his eyes dilate

right in front of the camera

that scene is why I turned the movie off

really it bothers me to know

when you know why bothers me because he

steals it though

he taps into the coke when he’s

standing there with his arms

watch it again when she’s

weighing it

and he’s standing there with his arms folded

how many times you see with my arms fold that means

that means your potential energy you’re

ready to explode you can’t even take

watching that fill that fucking envelope

when he sees the fucking

the helicopter

and you know it’s behind you

the chili chatter

they have that’s paranoid talk

why can’t we go to your

mother’s house

when they drop

the guns off you imagine Joe what can we go to your

mother’s house and drop off guns

they had this

chili child

when he gets out of jail and he’s feeling for the coke

and he comes

home he’s trying to tell her that he wants it for

money he wants to get high

I’ve been there

Karen Karen what you do it was what was all we had

Aaron that whole

to the chat

look at how high they are

he just passes up they just

passed out perfect yeah they just pass out from the

fucking that’s all we had

$60,000 in the fucking

thing he had in the ceiling what I

wouldn’t have found it

great fucking

movie but it’s amazing when

he’s looking up at the helicopters and he’s driving

so fucking yes

yes when he

was in the car and he

thought it was over

and he’s getting rid of guns

right wasn’t he yeah

you have no

idea what it is to get coked up in this little room

and look out that window

by the blonde and

there’s like there’ll be a

what do you call those things a fire hydrant uh huh

but if your mind becomes a dog

could you imagine

if you’ve got like Osama

bin Laden coked up

could you imagine if you got someone

someone like Gaddafi

coked up right now

how paranoid he would be

they just go

like he probably does it you

think he does coke of course

you’re a fucking terrorist you’re probably fucking

fucking hookers

looking daffy’s not a terrorist he’s a he’s a dick or

I mean let me know some

he’s but I mean

yeah he’s the same

thing there

was a bad bad person

right enemy

bad person there was a guy called

Carlo something

that was part of the meddling cartel in the 80s bad

motherfucker the one that was in charge of

bringing up all the blow he got so

crazy not an A deer

Carlos yeah what’s his last name

he resonate dear call

his name I don’t know

yeah he was the one that did blow

about I might have made that

up blow was the guy in the island that he went to visit

Johnny Depp

the guy with the blue eyes that right

who had the machine guns and shit was

guy his name is

Carlo lay there yes it is laid there lay

down lay there

Carlos lay there got his sentence reduced

he got like 900 years

knocked off a sentence he

still got 1400 more to do

he’s the one that

went to the government said no I gave for the envelopes

face to face

wow and Carlos they did how they nailed them was

he was actually getting cameras like Ryan does

set them around a room

he get a plate

blow he sit there

naked with a towel on

and just do bumps and

every once in a

while he go like this a chicken coming suck his dick

smack you do more blow

just tell poetry all day

and finally they got the Melan

Cartel got their

hands on this and they were like this can’t happen

get Bush on the phone bush

we got something for you

right I’ll tell you

exactly where he is we’re

gonna email the tape to you

really that’s

the only cartel gave him up

really exactly yeah because they couldn’t take that

this guy was folding he’s making videos

of himself naked

sweating with his eyes this big

doing blow for

24 hour pops

fuck Charlie Sheen

this guy is naked

doing bumps

and and you know saying talking

about la Luna

you know stars in the mountains

and then he

would go on and a

chick would come and suck his dick and he would like

Shooter they would just

shoot around tape and they just keep

you see him pulled up by her

ankles and shit he’d be

bleeding fuck

that and then he’d do more blowing I wish I was

lying to you

this guy was killing people on tape doing blows just

sweat not eating for days oh

brilliant shit

and then they

stick one of the million

cartel got this nearly we can’t have this

wow they went and got him and brought him back they

still have those

pictures of him on the plane

next to the

Marines he’s just looking around like what the fuck

do I do he knew exactly who turned them in holy shit

did you see

you saw cocaine cowboys

right yeah you know that

woman what’s her name

is Zelda Zelda she’s out

she’s back in Columbia man

they get pictures

of her in Columbia at the airport hanging out free

and this the

movie just detail

after detail how many people she had killed

wow that bitch

the godmother I

think they called her Griselda

she made so much money

hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars in coke

money man she was killing people left and

right they got this guy who’s her hitman

who’s in jail and they interview

him in jail and he’s just telling them

all the different times griselda

made me kill this guy so I had to go do some business

and I killed this guy how to do some business

and I said I

wouldn’t do that because they wanted me to do a

drive by and there was a baby in the car like whoa

it was fucking Colombians they used to

shoot anything bro

this is a picture of you go on Daily News

Archives 1984

Columbia family in Brooklyn got

slaughtered

well the kid the room for the wake was 14

bodies and there was 12 kids

oh my God they sat

the kids down

11:58 and put bullets

in their fucking forehead oh my God the

pictures just they don’t show the

bodies but they show the funeral parlor

and just a roll of fucking

bodies these Colombians

and over nothing this is in the

eighties when they were

shooting you over $2 just to make that point

you know you always

fucking money was

gonna shoot you

that was the big

thing about them

right the Columbians were

always thought to be the most like Columbian necktie

they go cut

your fucking

throat out pull your tongue out

they wanted they wanted an intimidation at the maximum

yeah the fucking

savages that’s

right next door to us buddy

that’s that’s just like what’s

going on in Mexico

that’s happening

right now in a bigger even bigger scale

you know because

the Colombians even though they had like

they were selling drugs and they were

bringing drugs in

they weren’t getting that much resistance from

their government

you know I mean there’s kind of corrupt

this was part

of their action

yeah it was kind of corrupt but in Mexico it’s

not the same man Mexico they get a lot of resistance

but it doesn’t matter

still doing it they’re

still doing it so it’s scarier because it’s more like

it’s more like militaristic you know

what’s the expression in Spanish

blue more blow mo or Plata

that’s the expression bro

that’s a silver of cash

that’s a finish from the rubber guard

blow mo or Plata

no this call either bullets or money

which one did you show up in which ones bullets

blow more promo is bullets yeah

block that is cash cash so

they just show up at your

house put a gun there with an envelope

blow more platter that should be a new rap song

which one you want to choose Plata

and your call bitch that’s how they would go

she just this poor fucking girl

who was remember that girl was trying to be a sheriff

in some town and near Juarez

remember that shit she was 20 years old

there’s a big

story because this is

college girl

decides she’s

gonna fucking get

a job as a sheriff and try to

clean up the town

within months this poor girl is trying to seek

asylum in America because

they’re trying to kill her oh they’ll

slice your fucking

throat they’ll

cut you up a little you’re either in or you’re out

there’s no there’s no coming back there’s no no no

that’s a different society this isn’t

terrifying man this isn’t

it’s terrifying shit you know it’s terrifying that

it’s terrifying that we’re not doing anything

about it but yet we’re fucking around in Libya

hey bro 1984

December 12th 1984 I was minding my business or 83

I was minding

my business at snowman’s Village I didn’t know nothing

about nothing I was just

snorting coke and

going to school at

night and I just had an electrician’s job

and I heard this baboon

but I didn’t know what happened I just went to bed

the next day they

would tell me a

story about this drug dealer

named Stephen Gray Bow

he got in a fucking car went to

start it up

they put a bomb on there was fucking car and Aspen

Colorado damn some

white dude and I

asked around and then the

papers he was

about to go on

trial for tax evasion

he was a Jewish guy

that was in with the Columbia

the place but he was making so much money

he couldn’t fucking

clean it it was 1984 it was too fast wow

and they fucking blew can you imagine that getting

blown up in a fucking pipe bomb that’s when you know

somebody and he didn’t die right away

the metal went up in his ass he stayed away

for fucking hours the metal

went up in his ass from the plate

under the jeep and shit they all have those

crash plates in colorado they all have those plates

those plate squirts work

against you and you have a bomb under your fucking car

so the plate went right in this fucking cooley

so he was just bleeding oh my god

that’s fucking

crazy when somebody kills you with a car bomb

that means you did something bad

they slice your fucking

throat you gotta be a ghost after somebody slices your

throat you’ll never rest

yeah can’t rest in fucking peace

you got to be something you know ghost

haunting the woods

forever wanting

somebody hunting colombians you hunting fucking

brian red band what’s up brian michael

do you believe in ghost joey diaz

fuck yeah do you really fuck you

i don’t believe

it i seen i seen something at the comedy

store one thing not

didn’t see the

door ringing i didn’t see nobody walking with

not a head on i mean i’ve

heard a lot of stories in the

comics book

and then i’ve been around people who pass

spirits as a

young child

in fact i went

to see the lady when i went home last week yeah

i was a kid i seen to do some wild shit what you do

when i was about

when i was about eight

you know my

mother had a bar and all

these people coming to

shake it down you know cops are coming nice guys

just white guys

come in that’s part of the business when you have a bar

you know somebody gets

stabbed you want the cops there first

you got to give an envelope

you know and then

after about

three months this guy

started coming he was a cuban guy look like serpico

but he would come in and

break the cubans balls

he went after cubans

he went after cubans and

seventy six and

seventy five he went

after him heavy

and he would come into my

mother’s bar and insult

them and fuck you

motherfuckers i want

a bigger envelope next time i come that type of shit

so when that went in there after

school and he was yelling and

screaming in there

i didn’t like

this fucking guy he was younger and he had a beard

he was a weightlifter type dude

so a couple weeks later

i go to the barn it’s all

these cuban

guys they had a bar on

thirty eight

street had to

bring these

these are all cuban

bookmakers that my dad knew my stepdad know my mom

nice fucking people

and it was this lady i played

basketball with the kids the kid was a boxer

his name is jose

torres bad is

their uncles the fucking dude

that’s their

uncle the killer

jose torres he’s a boxing ref or something big boxing

official that’s

their uncle this is their

nephew the puerto ricans

so that was the guy that was he was a

light heavyweight

champion right

you know he’s

something big with boxing this is his nephew

i grew up with that nephew they were

basketball players i

think that’s what i’m talking

about isn’t anyone that

wrote the book

about mike tyson

kind of grew up with mike

tyson and kind of like

wrote a tell all book

about him was kind of like kind of shitty

no no this is the joe torres

yeah that’s this is jose

torres the referee from the 70s i’m

thinking of the

wrong guy i

think this guy even ref like

he was he was the one that did our fight

when they were trying to stop it duran against

when they were trying to stop it he’s the we

gotta look it up duran

against who

to ran against that

fight when he

killed the guy in the ring then the guy died two weeks

later but he took his

spirit away

what’s the fight we always talk

about when dora

and davey more davey

more yeah i

think he had to

do that died years later

in a car accident

the fucking jack fell on top

yeah yeah car

crashed but he

duran took your

spirit took your

spirit yeah that happens to guys man

julio caesar chavez

when he fought

magic taylor

there’s no question

about that fight

magic taylor got his

spirit taken

chavez took his

spirit he he

heard him bad too physically like he was

never the same physically

but he was also

never the same psychologically

to go through that

crazy ass war

and to be boxing the fucking ears off the guy at first

then eventually the

guy just slowly wears you down slowly wears you down

and then boom stops you in the

twelfth with like

seconds to go

they stop the fight

like that’s a

crushing blow

a devastating blow

you know to have the referee

look at you when there’s like

was there like two

seconds left in the clock

and the referee

shakes him off and chavez

wins like what what

that’s like a

spirit crusher

we’re talking

about the fucking

spirit with those

so we were kids

and once a month this lady

would pass a fucking

spirit in the

house you go

she was a mom now this lady was a mom i used to

watch her she was a mom she used to

drive her kids around to different

basketball games and shit

husband and her were separated she wasn’t a boozer

she never really cursed i

would go in the daytime and she

would make sandwiches for you and

stuff like that

she would take the kids to church on

sunday so i used to

watch her but my

mother once

told me that said that lady passes a fucking

weird spirit

once a month or some shit and people go over there

you bring her

money or gifts or whatever the fuck you bring it

and she talks to you

so one night we went

talk to yeah

the spirit so one

night we went over there

now how long you know me

look at me i don’t fuck around look at him joe

shut the fuck up

brian i don’t fuck around

you don’t fucking when i talk to you from like a

man i talk to you like a man this is fucked up what i’m

gonna tell you

i’m about eight or nine

so this one last time i went to the bar

and he had them all up at the bar like popeye doyle and

had those people in fucking

the french connection memory

goes in he said everybody

against the wall is like last time i went in there

and now these fucking cubans are pissing

my mom’s pissed so like we

gotta figure something now i knew eventually my dad was

gonna shoot this guy that’s the

i just had a

funny feeling in my stepdad or somebody’s gonna

shoot this fucking guy

cause he was

going over his

bounds they felt that he was abusing cubans

which is even

worse when you’re cuban

if he was a

white dude or a

black dude hey it’s part of the

turf you fucking cuban

we’re gonna get your ass

so i knew about this and i just turned the

other way one

night we go to this fucking lady’s house

and she’s talking to

these people and she’s got the

spirit now i’m

watching this lady would

drink fucking raw alcohol what’s that

what’s that fucking

album shine

no the shit that people

drink that’s a hundred and

forty proof

oh ever clear ever

clear ever clear

drink it and

talk to you and

smoke a fucking cigar

oh my god and

she was supposed to be a

black african fucking slave

but she was really a puerto rican

woman and she talked to you

and she drink the fucking shit

and she was talking to my

mother and she came over to i was a little fucking

kid dog and i remember looking at a shit in my pants up

and she took a dish

and she showed it to my mom is a white dish

and she took a fucking

candle and she took the dish and she put the candle

under the dish

she took the candle she

threw it down she showed the dish to my mother

she said this is what’s bothering you lately

and it was just some fucking thing

it just look like some candle design on the

thing right

she took the dish she

smashes she goes

done seven days

i went home dog i

never thought

about this shit

again i was

eight or nine i had gi joe’s

i was trying to look at my dad’s pornos

you know i’m saying

right i don’t believe this hocus pocus

right well one day i get out of

school and i take the bike and i go to my

mother’s bar when i get up there they’re all fucking

drinking and having a good time at

three thirty

and i go what happened i go they know that fucking cop

they shot him to

pieces last night

and they shot him up by this

place rapid

oh taxi was the

first cuban taxi cab

company in the 70s

that would deliver

blown the taxis all

these geniuses that the

genius is not yeah all right

the cubans are doing that the 70

union city they

would go over the bridge

you call from the city deliver the

studio fifty four

taxis would deliver the code come on dog this is

seventy four

seventy five

come on dog and the name of the company was

rapid old taxi

you know what rapid

old means in spanish what

quick bitch

quit floppy

little quick

quick quick

yeah quick so i

took my bike joe rogan

joe rogan i

went up to this fuck this is this is really so

was the taxi a real taxi company

was a real taxi

company but they deliver

fucking blow that was

that was the purpose that we

think they made

money on a three dollar toll

they make money delivering the fucking goody good to

studio that so did they run a real taxi too

real taxi you thought you could go

in there and

take it from

supermarkets and

then you go on the way home can you get me some coke

right no no no

on the way home you got

to go to the city they just put a kilo over the city

and they don’t get pulled over you got

a ride in the city

why are you pulling me over officer i got

joe rogan in the back of the

car i’m sorry

go right ahead we thought you were doing something

else meanwhile there’s

fucking a bag of fucking blowing the

trunk and the cops must have been in on it too right

how many of the cops were in on it back then

i don’t fucking know

had to be some right

new york was a different animal

new york was a different

fucking animal right

new york was a different

fucking animal then but you got to remember that

it was just a

toxic nobody thought

about that new york back then that was

twenty years

ahead of that fucking time when

when new york

sneeze bro everybody else called a fucking cold

let’s get down

that ten years behind over here

these fucking

savages this is you know this is a totally different

place socially than new york that’s for sure

right don’t you think

people are more on the ball there

there’s more like

there’s more

con artists and shit there’s more clever people

don’t you think

there’s more fucking douchebags

everywhere there’s more

stone people out here i

think yeah there’s a lot of that

but i think that

i always say that there’s something

about the weather man

you don’t have to deal with the weather you get soft

you know your

brain doesn’t have to

think think

quickly because you have to survive

you know when you’re in boston

and it’s fucking

zero degrees out and you get in your car and goes

fuck fuck

and you don’t have a cell phone

stupid there was no cell phones back then

so what are you doing oh my god i gotta

knock on someone’s door so i don’t freeze to

death you gotta wake some people up

because you

might freeze to

death i’m sorry

my car broke down can i use your

dude you gotta think

quicker when you’re in that kind of an environment

in california

you know your car breaks down you just

sleep in the car

until you know

the cops come and then the cops tell you hey what’s

going on oh my car

broke down and they get you a tow

truck and you’re fine

you don’t have to

worry about

dying outside

you know living in boston you gotta

worry about dying that’s like some real shit

and that’s why they’re a little

quicker a little quicker on the take that

sound that sound that you made for doing the car

i was just imagining

i was imagining that’s what it

sounded like when joey diaz had sex

do you think so

no joey what’s it sound like when you have sex it’s

yeah yeah i was good dick

did i tell you i’m giving you good dick

i’m giving you good dick

don’t get me started red band

i have you know who here in 20 minutes

bitch slapping

motherfuckers

you know i’m saying who you have here what the fuck is

this plan what’s plan b

you know who

i don’t know do you know he knows who

so my dog twixie vixen

got raped again by a girl by a girl

dog and the

person whore

the person was like i gotta pee

while you tell the

story the person i was with joey

everyone’s leaving me

this is my twixie vixen story are

so the person

i was with i own the dog they were like my dog has

never a humped anything and b

my dog is a girl dog so i don’t even know why

it’s like trying to hump your dog’s ass because it

doesn’t have a dick

so joey what what do you

think about rss feeds

i have no idea what they even fucking up

here to pick

up the line

you don’t know anything about computers yeah

what they’re designed to

pump out a like if you have a website

it’s designed only

for we’re mostly for

sending out your website so

other applications and other websites can

add it to their website

and their applications

but if you don’t

want to do that you don’t have an rss feed

so i could see you wouldn’t want an rss feed

i know nothing

about it talk to me about something i fucking need you

can play like

oh is that real that’s real bitch

see now that’s why you agitate you don’t talk

look at your

boys walking right into the fucking fucking

i had to pee i’m sorry ladies and gentlemen i apologize

i was working on that video game all day today

smells like gyros i kidding

i was working on that

ufc video game

today and i drink tea when i work on that show

the video game is like it’s very

it’s like a script and

i have to pretend that fights are going on

so it’s like for hours and hours and

hours you’re talking at that like really intense

fast and you know

your voice gets really tired so

i had to drink a lot of tea

so i could not hold in my urine so

what you were saying

before i left so rudely is that your dog’s a whore

such a whore that

lesbians are raping your dog no

yeah exactly and like

do all dogs

have just the intuition

to get on top of another dog and hump it

even if they don’t have a dick because it

doesn’t make

sense no it

does my dog used to do that she was a female pit bull

and i had a male pit bull that was a puppy

and she used to get on

top of them and hump them just like rubbing pussies and

no no it’s a dominant

thing it’s like what she’s doing

is saying that if i wanted to fuck you in the ass i

could i can get to the position

where i’m on top of you

i’m stronger than you

they jockey

for position

you have to almost like

it’s a social thing

it’s like for

a dog to be able to get on top of you and dry hump you

it’s not just that he’s

horny it’s also

that he’s trying to let you know he can do that

he can impose himself on you

like my two dogs they have very

clear rules

like johnny’s a mastiff he’s a big fucking dog

and you know he’s got this

giant fucking head and he’s a

sweet heart of a dog

but the other dogs a bulldog shibu

inu bix and the

other dog doesn’t

get no saying shit that’s just the way it is they don’t

fight they don’t argue

but when i open up the door

johnny walks in

first every time

every time the

other dog will stop and let johnny go through first why

cause johnny’s a hundred and forty

pound mastiff he’s fucking huge

you know so there’s just

clear rules

if johnny wanted to hump brutus

he could get away with it

but if brutus

tried to hump johnny they

would be chaos

it would be like what the fuck

brutus probably

would growl

and snap a johnny if johnny

tried to hump them but the

point is the

other way is

absolutely preposterous it’s

never gonna happen there’s like a this is

with animals there’s an alpha

and then there’s the the ones who give into the alpha

and your dog

clearly is like the most beta dog ever

i know it’s

so much on me dog say

that we give it

is that what it is

so i guess the way it works is that they just

feel her submissiveness

and they want to

mount her their instinct is to

mount her and dominate her

this the old

dog i used to have was always a bad dog and

every time it was bad i would

just like kind of put her in between my legs

and my arm and kind of get in like a crouching position

and kind of just like

put her in between me and like hold her

and so i was

kind of like on top of her i wasn’t like fucking her

right you know she was just like on like

underneath my

belly like a little cave

i would make

i would just sit there for like ten minutes

and you could tell the dog at

first trying to get out

and then finally just kind of some

submissors are

you know just kind of lays down

and it gives up

dog is just fine

you know just walks around

weird i don’t

think you’re supposed to do that i

think you fucked up your dog’s head you like

rape your dog

every time it shit on the carpet

every time it shits

on the carpet you rape it well no no it’s something i

learned kind of from caesar

oh really like is that what caesar does he fucks yeah

after showtime that’s

after night’s showtime version of it no

that’s his secret

that probably

would be the best way to do it yeah

well he didn’t say it like that he said that you

should grab it

by the back of the neck and like hold it down

for a while

that’s pretty much

what i was doing i was pretty much getting on top of it

and just kind of

getting like yo

i am the master here

the whole dog

thing is crazy man

do you have

these animals that listen to you

right now like what the fuck or what’s

wrong with us

there’s not

another animal that keeps animals that they love

right you know

it’s weird and we’ve got them engineered to be like the

sweetest nicest

things ever

i mean look at your dog dude your dog is

ridiculously affectionate

right i’ve never seen a dog that

not just affectionate

but so needy

to her it’s like

every breath

but taking a breath

she needs that much

attention like it’s like as much as she’s breathing

she needs someone

touching her

as much as she needs to take in air

she needs someone to

touch her it’s like that

extreme it’s like a stripper or something way worse

way worse than

is there any animal that has pubic hair

i was thinking the

other day i was like

wouldn’t it be cool if like animals had

pubic hairs and

like you like trim them

or you could just get a full bush

you know like if your cat

well the animal

would have to have

nothing else around it i mean they have pubic hair over

their whole fucking body that’s

basically what’s

going on kind of

sure but i mean like even like bald

eagles if bald

eagles had bushes

those are feathers but i mean like why don’t they have

what are you talking

about like bald

eagles have

penises right

yes why are

humans the only ones that have

pubic hairs

because we don’t have hair on

the rest of our body there’s very few animals that have

exposed skin

very few animals that have exposed skin

that ain’t shit dude if

you were a coyote

i would take you to the vet

i believe this poor

thing is dying

because all its hair is missing what

you think is hairy is only hairy to a hairless person

you know i’m

covered in hair too that’s not

harry is that’s your

hairless you just

you have a little hair compared to the

other hairless

folks why don’t

monkeys have huge bushes

they do man

they do they have pubic hairs

they do they don’t get long and

crazy like ours

because they just have different kind of hair

but they have hair around

their dick and balls

the fuck is

wrong with you son

you gotta do some research before you come up with

these crazy pubic hair theories

well i mean they

don’t have bushes like we do that’s what i’m talking

about why do we

have them because

we don’t have it anywhere else

joey if it like it would be

weird if like animals you know

i mean there’s

only the only animal

that’s like us that is hair and certain parts of his

body is like some

some dogs and i

i just wish all

enough experience in why

i don’t give a fuck

about animal pubic

is worried about people

dying of radiation poisoning in japan and

fucking why are we in libya the ca

involving our life

i’m worried

about animals do

you think peta

would exist if animals have cares

ryan don’t make me get bill

burr here fuck

you fuck you in the ass with his laptop

with fucking brock lesnar

right now bill but

get you put give to the microphone bro

me i’m all right i’m straight

okay my voice is fucking too big i’ll blow the speakers

don’t make me call brock les

all right all right what’s going on

bill burrow did a video

where he fucking

talked about the

thing that there’s a video on youtube sony’s made it

six minutes long

he talked about the argument on his own

for another six minutes

and at the end of it he goes yeah and i was right

that’s the point that guy that little computer

guy he doesn’t know about computers

and they’re trying to rip you off and take the

money for the artist they never have

money for the artist

fucking rss feeds

you know what

you know what the thing that bugged me the most

six minutes this is the

experience you talked about this is the

thing that bugged me the most i’ve met him like

four times five times before right

he even did

we did a comedy show the following night or that night

that night we did a comedy show and

he was the following night the following night

and i was like

the host of the show and i’m like he knew that i’m a

comic also he knows who i am

right and if he’s nice

fucking whatever

so he on the beginning of the video he goes yeah and

so there’s that guy that little

guy that whatever that the male assistant guy the guy

turns the not

fucking male assistant to something over there yeah

yeah this guy

whatever the fuck he is hey fucking give me a gyro

yeah come on

but but fuck in

the thing that bugs me the most is

and i i was pretty

baked when that argument happened but the

thing that bug me the most

about everything

was my whole

thing wasn’t that i’m like yeah what

stitchers doing is a hundred percent

legal know what

what i was saying is

if you have something on your website

that that you put on your website

right that is only put on your website if you

wanna broadcast your stuff

you don’t want that then take it off your website it

doesn’t change anything

my whole argument is like

why do you have an rss feed on your website

why what what

what why did you put it on me are we really having

this conversation what are you doing no but i mean

so my art yeah but

but my argument

that i’m just saying i know what your argument was you

brought it up

here we go again

but no no no

here we go i know

what his argument is i know what your arguments i’m

aware of the the general details of the disagreement

i know but how is

what i’m saying is that’s not a

wrong or right

thing that’s just

a question actually i don’t care

anymore i don’t

care anymore what’s way more fascinating to me

is how involved you two got

that was way more fascinating and

when you’re getting a actual

issue the actual issue

the actual issue

the actual issue was

minuscule compared

to how psychologically captivating it was

and how he was genuinely getting

upset and you were getting upset too

and i was trying to mediate

because i generally did see both sides

i genuinely did but what i couldn’t

understand is how you guys are getting so goddamn

upset and then

when i would

bring it up

building oh this is a fucking new spa

joe rogan the joe rogan from 1994

would a fucking stab somebody by now

we didn’t even know each

other back then man you’re just

assuming you’re

assuming i would have done that

well you know what it was just to me it was like

i’ve already said the same

thing five times i can’t say anything else

about that i

couldn’t get you guys to stop it was fascinating

you like two dogs shut up

stop and there also

also comes to a

point where

you are like feel like you’re talking to your mom doing

email that’s how i get

about certain

things well you must have saw his

point a little bit

no i see what he’s

saying but that’s not what i’m saying i’m not saying i

agree with him or disagree with him

on that he wasn’t

willing to listen to what you were saying

about the whole concept of an rss

which stands for

really simple syndication

right and what’s syndication mean you want to syndicate

yeah what’s that mean

you want to

spread it out to as many people as possible absolutely

available on your website

absolutely but

the real problem was

the problem is itunes

numbers and that’s what he really wants to say is that

stitcher was helping it hurting his itunes numbers

and probably that he

doesn’t know

what an rss feed it why it’s on his website

if he wants people to go to his website

take off your rss feed that’s all you have to do

make don’t make your rss feed public

just give it to itunes only

hide your rss feed

and then everyone will come to your website

and you’ll have your itunes only well

we do one better than that we

allow people to download it not just on

stitcher but i

allow people to download it directly

so the moment it goes live i have a download link so

i don’t want you have to wait

so my itunes numbers will be higher

to me all that matters is that you get it out there

you don’t get cookies for being number

three or number four

you know it’s cute it’s nice to see the number

but what’s important

to me is just that it gets distributed

to as many people as possible as easily as possible

some people don’t like fucking with itunes

right some dudes who love the zoom

you know i heard the news is pretty badass i

think they stopped making them bro oh did they yeah

i lied out my ass turn it

i mean to some people that have just little

mp3 players

those little

flash mp3 players are like a little

you gotta have it available for

everything and anybody

yeah droids and

i especially when it’s it’s if it’s a free

thing that you

just want to get out your podcast to people

you know you’re not you’re not doing like doug benson

when you’re charging

money you’re just trying to get your podcast

calling out doug

benson i can’t believe you i mean

what the the honest

thing is the future of podcast how are podcasters

gonna make money

what doug is doing is pretty

interesting he’s charging

money now for like certain shows

i don’t think it’s

every show i

think it’s like he has like certain shows marin

does that too yeah it’s like

something where you become like some

super member or some shit

right i mean

i honestly think

the only way really to make

money is to get sponsors

you know yeah i

think the way you got to get a lot of

a lot of listeners

and get sponsors that’s the way to do it

right i agree

i think because i

think we’ve just reached

this time on the internet we have to look at the

music industry

we have to see look the

music industry has

changed it’s not that people

started stealing

and taking shit from the

music industry

that happened and

there was no way to stop that

so the music

industry has to reorganize re figure out how they do it

and that’s gonna happen with

everything and you can’t fucking

stop it you just

gotta go with what you

think is going to happen

and that’s like podcasting

no one knows what’s happening with podcasting

but you have to pretty much go with what you can do

right now well we

also have the luxury

thing we also have the luxury of doing

other things

i have the luxury of not having to rely

completely on my podcast

the ufc and we’re doing

stand up especially we’re doing

stand up right

because the podcast

definitely enhances the

stand up insanely

and also just look at philly

i mean philly you just sold out all philly

right yeah it’s sold out in two

weeks from now i mean how

when was the last time that happened so

it wasn’t happening like that before it’s like that

everywhere yeah

pulled seattle last weekend was fucking crazy man

eighteen hundred people

and when i asked him

i like how many guys listen the podcast it was like the

whole crowd it was

a hundred percent of the crowd

do you get that

now joey i get people yelling out do joe diaz mark

has changed

completely and with

music what’s really

going on with

music is that

they had to give it away

so now you you make

money performing

but these bitches can’t perform

yeah there’s a lot of them they’re faking it

sorry they can’t perform

that’s the music

that’s what

happened the music

music got real auto tune over their

voice and shit

you know the allman

brothers could show up with

three white guys and fucking rocket

so can let its get it there’s no way

they can’t do it

the organ is

shit don’t come through that good

you know that

shit don’t come through that good

i want to go see fucking the

black eyed peas to

sing songs for fucking people to sing one fucking song

boom boom boom boom

boom boom but really

80 fucking dollars for the

worst ticket to see that nonsense

there’s no musicians dog

there’s not that many the

black keys are pretty fucking bad

i can’t even

listen to the

black keys yeah but they can’t do fucking love the

black keys seriously i can’t get

enough like anything they do i fucking love the shit

they’re on the

right frequency they’re on the real

frequency well they really

listen the real musicians

the got listen the king of the musicians

right now is the guy dave grohl

there’s no better

musician that’s lived its

spirit and his band the band of the foo fighters

there is bad

because they’re students of the fucking game

yeah prince went to

vegas two years ago and did

us a show of requests really

can you imagine anything you hit prince with he’s

gonna play wow

willie nelson

to fucking billy idol so people yell it out in the

crowd and we just do i want you to take it god

damn come and yell

bitch aerosmith

and people going performers at the end

started flying out there

just because i

wanna get on

stage this motherfuckers

going what do you wanna hear

come together the beatles

ready one two

three four bam

now now now

that’s that’s

fucking that’s why he was getting nickel fucking

ticket or get

these tickets are outrageous now for

these bands princes

the real deal he’s a real

musical genius you know

he put out a lot of bad songs unfortunately

he there’s a lot of his songs that i just midnight

he was experimenting with

yeah but world they

still he was sucking his fucking and he was damn

idea yo he had some

great jams bro jam

yeah there’s i mean good chances

so the some of them

didn’t come out of a chance and some of them is very

self indulgent

so his style is

you know and

sometimes he gets caught up in what he’s doing but

when he hit it

erotic city

come on son

come on come on

son that’s a

great goddamn song

that was my

during high

school there was a

they were trying to get that as our high school

senior song

erotic city

we were it was a write in

you know so we’re all trying to like

organize it and then someone listen to it

someone who works as cool as it do it

that was the end of that do do do

it’s fucking amazing he’s done some

great shit and that’s what’s really

going on now

so everybody’s

adopt all my

hang ups have gone but

it’s amazing that somebody told me this two years ago

and i really experienced it last year in

irvine last year in irvine was when i seen the fruition

of what you’ve been doing

somebody told

me that now because of the internet and twitter

and all the podcast that

people want the full experience

and i didn’t

really see it till last july if you notice last july

when i changed

everything about my twitter

my facebook

i changed everything

about it because i paid more attention to it

how come i understand now

where you were coming from

there’s no more i see what

ralphie mays doing i see what you’re doing he’s wasting

his fucking time

when he flies into a city a week before two days to do

radio that’s a

waste of time that’s old hat yeah so you’re

staying at home

you don’t have to do that

the thing about this game is to

to make the most

money for the

least amount

of work that’s why i don’t like flying well it’s not

just that it’s not just that it’s but

communicate with as many people as you

can but you have a wife you have children

i don’t want you in nebraska on

monday doing some

radio show for what

but i never did that anyway no i

understand i

would never do it but

look what you do with a

blink of a fucking button yeah

you added an

extra show in australia

three weeks ago

with a blink of

yeah in a couple

hours a couple

hours yeah we put together a show on a

thursday night or

whatever and

i seen different

you’ve been talking

about it for years

it all came

fruition with the podcast the blog the twitter and

you know i’ve become an

expert now at

the twitters now i know how to do it more you

gotta give me something and then

tweet something

yeah give him some

not every fucking

stupid joke that comes out of your fucking mind

because everything

if you’re a biologist you’re

gonna die on twitter

right because you

gotta sell the fucking joke if you’re

gonna make a mind joke on twitter

it’s not gonna go nowhere sometimes

where you talk

about your situation on twitter and then

talk about a free show

or show within your situation

it’s different i answer

every fucking body on twitter

i try to fuck with people on twitter

you know my twitter is a lot

on facebook i got more christians i got nephews on

this i can’t

think i still

throw out the

blunt of life

you know me i don’t give a fuck get over it

every now and then you hit him with it i

gotta hit him with something

every morning just to wake them

up and they got a look at your shit

little thirteen year old

go ask them

look at uncle joey

wrote on his twitter

today mommy

what’s the blunt

you ain’t hide

by two in the afternoon go fuck yourself that’s the

truth that t

shirts by the way

folks they are being

printed right now

the if you ain’t

high by two in the afternoon go fuck yourself always

sophia told me we

ordered up a couple thousand

feet of no joe diaz he was

still bible because this

shirt is that cool it’s so

strong it’s a

strong have you seen the

photo i seen the

photo such a

strong shirt

so saying is so

strong yeah

the whole when you said it

we repeated

it like four times because it was so something

and it was the

weirdest thing because the guy i’m

gonna tell the

story that the guy was smoking

would have won an oscar

for fucking

three d and shit for star wars

his name is dykstra

oh yeah and i did spider man to

it dykstra was that the guy

charge of all the fucking

crazy three are

three d guy the special

effects special

effects his name is

not not three

three d whatever was yeah

he’s a genius

he’s a fucking

genius when you talk to him

and he has a little

daughter if you

watch spider man two after i

stick up for spider man there’s a little girl on the

train that says me too

that’s his daughter

and his daughter was telling everybody

on the train to suck a dick

suck my dick though that’s my father shut up

sit down for you

but the only way

she dug was me because i

would give it

to her you know something like what’s up sit down

who you think you’re talking to joey bananas

so raby i was so big

that they wouldn’t put me on the

train they just go check in

so i come into spider man i

check in and then i go eat

and go to my room they put me in a room not even the

trailer so i

would go to my room and

smoke pot i told you

about this i go get

ready i go rainy

somebody keep smoking

dope in my room you make it to the bottom of this

you go joey i don’t know and it was me the

whole time so one day

dykes you’re figured

out because there’s nobody smoking

you think you getting over on him it’s fucking me

where is it

so that’s hilarious like what’s behind the

building so we go behind the

building like one day was smoking we go behind the

building again the one they were smoking

the third day comes

some fucking pa

comes you know how they get sometimes

like an older

woman like right

forty two she came

back to she seen this and she goes

let whatever they’re looking for you

are you smoking pot

what’s wrong with you and i sat like for a

minute i got all like

there is something

wrong with me

what’s wrong with me what’s

wrong with you

if you were fucking high you

would be worried

about us not

smoking high it was like 10 15 in the morning

right to say

it’s 10 o’clock

in the morning how the hell can you be smoking pot

you really smoking pot

why wouldn’t you

and that’s what we came up with that thing from

fuck what’s

wrong with you

fuck is wrong with me what’s

wrong with you

bitch you ain’t

high that’s the

fucking problem you were high you

would worry

about me smoking dope

yeah it’s a

weird thing

where people

want to stop you from doing something because they

think it’s an indulgence

you know that you’re being weak

you’re indulging

you know my

wife said to me two days ago she goes you know what the

funny thing is

at five thirty in the morning i can hear the

alarm go off

but i heard you do a lot bomb hit

that’s what you know that’s hilarious

my wife told me tuesday morning she goes you know how

to hear the

alarm but i

definitely heard your bunk head

you got a bong in the bedroom

i got a bong in the office in the office

so you step off into the office and fire it up

oh when i get up i

brush my teeth

i piss i put the coffee on i feed the cats and i go

right for that i pray

for 10 million

you wake and bake like a

motherfucker not

right i used to wake and bake that fucks up your

whole now you wait five minutes i got

balance out

the body a little cantaloupe to balance out the ph

yeah to get the fucking bowels moving

cantaloupe hmm

i think it does fuck

me up if you

take it yeah you

can bake it for

the whole day fucks you up your

whole day i

mean up your

whole day once you

smoke weed you’re pretty much out

for the rest i’ve

done it a thousand times i’m the king of it i ain’t

gonna lie to you

but by 11 o’clock you like i fucked up

would you call the doctor’s office you like i ain’t

gonna happen

did you how many days you take off on a regular

from what take off what yeah

fuck for what i

went to prison that was long enough

eight fucking

months without smoking weed out of pop

acid and fucking

sneaking around

so you you’re addicted to it

i’m not addicted to it i just can’t i’m

ahead dog i’m the real deal

i’m ahead i like the smoked up

that’s my bag some people alcoholic some people like to

drink i can’t imagine a life without weed

i’ve been smoking

since i was fourteen

have your thought

maybe because

you can’t imagine because you don’t remember it

no i can’t imagine it not the

first all red man i’m the real fucking the i remember i

know you’re the real deal so so

i just like smoking weed the people i grew

the type of person i grew up with when i went to

colorado i was around a lot of heads

they like weed they

enjoy weed when i got home yesterday i said that

that thing was

thirty one percent i

tweeted it and ten people got back to me that said go

drive up in san

diego that’s ahead

that’s not a kid that says

oh my god i got the

what’s the name that we play like express no

there’s certain weed that’s got a name that you just

smoke it to be cool

then there’s this what’s this

stuff again

called call matt

number one og

matt’s number one

og look matt like some

famous growers no

no matt is the guy that owns kush mart so when he took

he bought that

brand and wanted to grow for him

and this is a hybrid

it’s a hybrid

that he’s got the

snoop dogg that’s a 28

that’s this

stuff might be the perfect weed

i might be the

greatest weed

ever i smoked it and i realized when i smoked it the

other day i’ve been

going i know

cc and i’ve been buying 50

fucking eights

and i realized that the pot was good

and some days when i buy

gram like by six o’clock half the

gram was gone

i’m smoking too much bottle in a bomb that’s too much

when i hit weed and i remember that how i

started this diet

was it matt’s og

when you smoked in the morning the sativa

would take over your mind so quickly

that i have to get out of the

house before my head blew up

and i would have to get on the bike and i

would just get on the bike and

pedal because i put somebody chasing me

and that’s how i lost a hundred fucking

pounds on that bike smoking the max og

because it’s a

teva wouldn’t

speed you up by cocaine

it speed you up at a grad

control you

and it went from being a sativa into

methodically like an indica

was the weirdest

thing people don’t

understand the

sativa actually makes you ambitious people think that

it’s people who look at

pot and look at people being

you know potheads being like unambitious and lazy

sativa makes me way more ambitious it makes me

aware of the consequences of not

working as hard as you can

and how you feel

you know it makes me

super sensitive

to my own actions positive or negative so it makes me

super sensitive to doing

things that i

should be doing

as far as like getting work done as far as like

writing and performing

and doing podcasts and

i don’t ever cancel podcast man you know

i’d have to be sick as fuck and i don’t get sick very

often so we do them you know it’s like

sativa makes me

know hyper aware

and when i’m

hyper aware i’m

more diligent

you know so i

think it makes me more ambitious

but do you guys

think if you had if you wanted to take a

month off do you think you

could possibly easily do it sure i’ve done that

and i haven’t

taken a month off but i’ve

taken weeks off

i could take a couple days

off but why

just to see if we can

do it i don’t see the

what is this fear factor

here’s the purpose

here’s the purpose

i’ve tried i’ve thought

about it you

smoke a shitload of weed you have to be

spending a shitload of

money i smoke a shitload of weed

and the people around me

smoke a shitload of weed

i get it dog

it’s really

weird that the people around me are into it

like i’m into it like the type people well we all have

fun together and

what people don’t understand

about marijuana is that they

think it’s some sort of an escape

it’s an enhancement

it’s not an escape we’re living in the same

world you’re living in man

it’s just more fun when you’re high

it’s really that simple and it’s not ruining your body

it’s bullshit

and i’m not saying

you steak no

it ain’t for take

take can’t smoke weed

you know stan hope

doesn’t like

weed there’s a lot of our friends don’t like weed

that’s all well and good man

fine yeah you know i don’t like

i mean i’ve been smoking weed so much that i mean i

could take a couple days off i could take

probably a week

i’ve probably

taken a week off recently but but

that the idea of taking a

month off is so

weird foreign to me that i almost

want to do it just to see what happens like you must

talk about it do she you’d become a republican i

watch bill o’reilly i have no idea he’s

right we do have to be afraid of mexicans i’ve been

stop smoking weed

since fourteen fifteen i tell a

point in my life of my weed career

i can’t write anymore when i get really high

really you like when i get up in the morning

i get high it’s to go on twitter and facebook and

make adjustments

here and get my day

ready right

but like now when i

write i try to be a little straighter

really when i work out i got a

blaze dog if i

could get an edible

i gotta get an edible

me i love working out stone

that is my life that was how i did

thirty years ago

i love not remembering what set it is and i know my

shoulders on fire

you know i’m saying i love the fact that

if i get if i don’t get high i’ll

still work out an hour

and i still do a good job

but if i work if i get high i work on an hour forty

it’s just a little tighter i concentrate

on my kicks i concentrate

on the form

yeah i know what you mean i try to do

everything i

when i kick the bag on them how usually i don’t

what a great

feel i don’t

usually i kick the

pole holding the bag by mistake i won’t

but i like getting on the bike stone yeah

think about it i like

the elliptical

the elliptical

stone is a fucking different world

you know how many people roll stoned

jiu jitsu oh you have to everybody does no no no

especially eddie’s classes

eddie’s classes like you walk in the room you

smell reefer

you some everyone

smells like reefer there’s like half

of his fucking students are high as fuck when you take

you eat a piece of banana cake and you go to yoga oh

yeah my god

would you know that that’s mckenna

used to say that that’s what yoga was invented for

what yoga was invented for was

maximizing cannabis it was

these people

would be eating cannabis

and when they were eating it they realized how good

it felt when you hold your body in certain positions

with no fucking

idea so they came up with this like

connection to spirituality

through eating cannabis

and holding

these poses

these difficult

poses fucking amazing

yeah cause something i don’t know what it is

about the energy of the

pose that makes you go into some

state when you’re high as fuck

but it really

does even if when you’re sober man i’ve done yoga sober

and after it’s over i felt high well the breathing

the breathing

intent the breathing that’s

going through your body is

focusing so much on the breathing

when i go in and i

ate a little

piece of banana

bread cause it’s

eight thirty in the morning when i

gotta go to you oh my goodness so i gotta

start blazing the

seven thirty but by the

time how long does it take to for a banana

bread to hit you

twenty minutes

twenty minutes

twenty five minutes i kick a little jaffa j to get

everything going

by ten afternoon

i’ve been downward dog i’ve been fucking

pigeons i’m in fun

and it’s and it’s you think

about your breathing

is so beautiful when you’re high

i want you to go in the water

and you have like and you

could hear your breathe

like right now yes

yeah when you

do yoga you can hear if you hear that you’ve reached it

right you reach that

level in that position

right and with the weed it makes it a lot easier

for me i’m a

loser i know ain’t

gonna lie you know you ain’t a

loser what you

talking about man really

like i said that’s what the reason why

yoga may have

very well been invented according to mckenna they

believe they were they invented yoga to maximize

the the effects of eating cannabis

it’s some i’ve gotten high play

basketball i’ve got high lifting weights

there’s nothing like eating

a little bit of weed and

going to yoga even if it’s a

basic class

just to focus on your breathing i do it

every tuesday

tomorrow i can’t i

gotta rush and then go to the airport

but i’ll do it i’ll eat an

edible in the morning

cause i have nothing else

and it is just fucking brilliant my body

randy parsons your good friend

ryan ryan parsons was at

the gym one day at justin’s and there was an argument

going on between

trainers and

these guys were

white guys they were in heads

the guy was saying that he’s been telling all his

clients to if please

after their workouts

their weight workouts to

smoke a little reef

because it’s

anti inflammatory

and it works better than anything

else even like the lettuce and shit it pulls the acid

out of your muscles lettuce

like lettuce when you

eat lettuce it pulls the acid out of your muscles when

you work out something like that

acid does something

lettuce does something

after you work out okay the

acid out of your muscles

so they can recover or something

okay well this guy was talking

about that weed

does that weeds an anti inflammatory yes really

and that they’re

scared to tell people because we’ll go fucking crazy

well it kind of makes

sense if it’s a pain killer if people

enjoy it for pain

it kind of makes

sense that it

would also be

you know for

inflammation he said it’s

really good for your joints yeah do something with the

well that’s one of the reason

they prescribe it for arthritis arthritis

yeah people a lot of people that have chronic arthritis

like i’ve talked to people that said that they they

literally couldn’t move

and then they would

smoke weed and then all the

sudden they

could walk around like they

could function

you know it allowed them to be mobile

i don’t know man it makes

sense i mean

it helps a lot

of people in a lot of different ways it’s just a

shame that we have to pretend that something

wrong with it

and people want us to

think it’s not a big deal like why do you guys talk

about weed all time fucking

losers first of

all we’re not

losers and don’t be mean

and second of all

it is a fucking important

issue man it

is important we know ourselves how it affects us

we know ourselves how much more aware

thank god you turn his mic off right

still get here and still get

that’s i wanted from

what i wanted from we

twenty years ago

is not what i want from we

today you wanted to escape

twenty years ago

i like that i have an only child

so i love living in my head guys you give me a fuck

you let me get my head you’re a dead man

really say yeah you let me get my

only child i’m

breaking fucking

down in no time i know it is to be in a

closet playing gi joe’s making up your home world at

disneyland is outside your fucking closet i’m

an only child

i know how to get the

party started by fucking head that’s why i like being

alone do you notice that

you give me weed

and an ipod you go fuck yourself

never mind two o’clock you go fuck yourself

i’m one of those guys joey will vanish sometimes

i could go on an island solo i like i

enjoy i don’t

i don’t creep out in my skin

well listen man that’s a beautiful quality in

comparison to the alternative

the alternative is someone who

needs people around

them all the time and needs attention all the time

and everybody knows how goddamn

annoying that is

i love where

that someone says extroverted as you but also

i guess it’s just a balance to yin and yang

right you need that down time too i really

enjoy my i never

enjoyed this throughout my life i always thought

you had to be moving when that’s what kills people

people don’t make enough time for themselves

themselves and what’s that not a trip to jamaica

one hour well people

don’t don’t

make enough

well it’s hard you

gotta manage

your life correctly to to get to a position

where you can

enjoy things

cause some people are just scratching

every week man

every week is scratching

trying to get

ahead can’t

get no fucking traction trying to figure it all out

that’s a tremendous amount of stress

you know last night

how we came over we’re smoking the mets og

and it was ten

after six or something

and we heard this bell bing

bing and it’s the mexican ice

cream man and it is the best ice

cream you’ll ever have it’s dairy

queen vanilla ice

cream and he makes a delicious banana split

i’ve been there for a year not one

brown spot in the banana

fresh mint and it’s

funny that he said to me you get so much

enjoyment from that ice

cream truck

your life is what you make

enjoyment i’m

not filthy loaded but i get off on that fucking ice

cream man coming

when i went to get

off on the ice when i went

to new york i talked to

ralphia he’s in this

hotel in the city and

i got this and that let me

fucking for we have the drop how come

ralphie doesn’t use the internet

because he feels that his clientele

doesn’t use the internet

what i don’t know that’s the answer that’s the most

ridiculous thing ever

he’s found the 1

of the population that isn’t online

i mean who the fuck is it online that’s so

silly it’s just really

weird who’s

online now that

expression is so true

that expression

is so true one man’s chicken is another man’s gumball

yeah the other

did a show in the city all my friends let’s go to

chinatown let’s do this long fucking

chinatown sucked

that place sucked

my place in richfield park chance dragon in

still the pound for

pound leader in old

school chinese food

you gotta eat

for egg roll

shrimp and lobster

sauce those has the pork in it

old school the noodles old

school dog old

school 30 i’ve been

going there

since 1979 to get

steak on a stick when i was a sophomore

steak on a stick

that’s in the cup

they have one of the best poo poo platters in the new

chinese food

so good on the east coast

it’s china closer and is

right the east

also to new york

must be you can get

great chinese food out here but it’s not consistent not

everything is good i go to a

place that the pork

fried rice you

think in the bronx

don’t get the

shrimp and garlic

sauce a lobster

cantonese you feel

like you’re eating it with a

white dude named chance lobster cantonese

nobody knows that

stuff to kill on

it last week come on

respect lobster cantonese a rare one

don’t get that

everywhere some people got to eat pasta

at rails you and i both know you take a little

train to fucking the bronx and you find the mountain

pop store for 14 95 you’re

gonna spaghetti and clamps

oh get hard

a hundred bucks you

could sleep in the back for an hour

yeah i know this

when i lived in new

rochelle we used to go to

frank and john i

know this so

frank and john’s in new

rochelle this is

when i lived in new

rochelle this is old

school italian place

that the fucking food was so good

it was right down the

street from me i

never ate anywhere else

i barely could afford to eat there every day

but i scraped by

every day barely affording it

are you drinking more

you’re fucking

we’re gonna finish this

what you need to do a

blackout cast oh yeah

let everybody know portland

oregon baby

where it’s all

the shows are almost sold out and we’re there

thursday friday and saturday

at helium comedy club

and it’s gonna be fun as fuck

i can’t wait and i’ve

never done like a long weekend

in portland i’ve only done like one

night there with air for a

ufc i did one

night in portland so i’m

gonna have a good

fucking time this

great food this gets

great strip clubs we got no

radio so we’re

going out yeah we got no

radio and helium

helium is the shit solid

and we gotta run this house

non stop comedy

non stop jobs

comedy tonight

brian cowan

it’s gonna be down there at sal’s

doug benson doug benson’s

gonna be down there at sal’s

sal’s comedy hole in hollywood

which is this really you’re gonna see it and you’re

gonna go really are we in the right fucking place

it says vienna

cafe outside doesn’t even have a sign it says

sal’s comedy hole it’s

the most low rent ghetto setup ever but it’s growing

and eventually he’s

well he’s doing construction he’s

gonna have the back room

it’s gonna be much better and bigger and

this is just a spot he had a nice spot in the brea

and he’s a cool guy and he was always cool to comics

and so we did you record to see it’s gonna be great dad

would you ever do

with that cd they recorded there i couldn’t

use it no there’s garbage no what happened was wrong

it was really

weird joe because

if you notice

after that i

changed everything

i hate listening to myself or

watching myself let’s get this out of the way

i got boxes of shit at the

house people give me

a but i taped you i don’t want to see myself not at all

and i thought there was a problem and one that i

watched that johnny depp on let him in

and let him

set them so

after the thing is no no no no

after i shoot

it’s over i don’t

watch myself because really i

felt okay i’m not the only retard i don’t like nothing

about that that’s why i

never listen to myself doing stand up

i can’t take my voice

but after i take that

special and i listen to it i was so ashamed of myself

that i made notes and shit

really help me and i

still i bring the ipod on i tape myself on

short sets during the week

i’m up to like six minutes and i got to shut it off

you know i can’t listen to the

whole thing and some

it’s hard to listen

to yourself but it’s good it’s good

because like what you said

how you you

force yourself to really

yeah five years

twisted you

got to do that man you got to do that you can’t

just take it on the audience’s reaction you got to

judge it as if you’re a comic

listening to another comic too

you know when i listen to my

stuff i go hmm

what how would i feel

about this is this

funny to me

you know i listen to it and i you know

forget about

how the audience is

laughing what does this make me

think does this make me do i

think this is the

right way to do this bit

should i shorten this part

this to verbose is this to this is this to that

and when you do that man

everything gets tighter and

stronger you

focus on it

it’s uncomfortable though it’s a terrible feeling

you feel like you’re

it’s a weird thing man

because the same the energy that

brings you to be creative

the energy that

brings you to

smash it on stage

that is not a

selfish energy people

think it is

because it seems like it is

cause you’re on

stage going what the fuck cocksucker

and everyone’s laughing

but to do it

right to be

tuned in to

those people

really you have to be almost

selfless you

have to be tuned in this crazy way

where it’s all just

about this fun that we’re having it’s not

about me it ain’t

about me you know i’m saying

so it’s like

the opposite that you

would get from

like someone who like listens

to themselves like yeah i’m the shit listen to me

i’m the shit

it’s almost like you know that that’s the poison that

thinking like that is the poison that takes away the

magic because if you

start thinking you’re the shed you

start thinking you know

that you’re something special and

you lose your

whole connection with the

magic you know

so that’s one of the reasons why you feel uncomfortable

you don’t wanna listen and

you don’t wanna be that guy who wants

to get get in my car listen to my new

my set last

night tell me

tell me what i did you know

you ever been in someone’s car and they make you listen

to their fucking routine

tell me about this new bit is there anything you

could add to this

like oh jeez i

wrote this joke i want to try oh no

yeah yeah don’t try i’ve

never tried i don’t try

yeah you say it or you don’t say it

you know if you just the idea that you’re trying it out

look it ain’t a fucking weapon all

right it’s goddamn joke doing a

stage do it on a

stage take your goddamn chances

and the more

you do that the more you know what the fucks

gonna work in the

first place you don’t have to talk to people

about stuff like that you know it’s

crazy because with

me i have a hard time writing if i’m not in the zone

hmm well i’m with people like i like

getting pissed off to a degree before i go on stage

like i like get a little

pissed off is

something i make yeah you get mad you get like

fake arguments with people i want to do that one time

eddie bravo we were all in

the back at the

house of blues

he’s like you guys with your fucking bullshit

you fucking

me and he’s like why is joey getting

upset i’m like

just gotta put himself in that place

he’s not really mad at us

no i’m not mad at nobody but

he’s i need

something i need something you

fucking guys i need

fucking oh i need to use a

vaporizer listen

cock sucker

i was smoking weed with an

apple when i was five

it’s just really

crazy how when i’m around you guys

sometimes just being mad makes me

say something you like joey you got a fucking say that

yeah and i’ll forget for a

month i’ll forget

you guys like joey did you say the fucking

stage yet i’m like

you guys gotta

force me i’m

like your records keeper i’m always telling

you about that shit

did you do you

still doing that thing

about a dead dick you

still doing that thing

yeah about the soldier yeah

don’t say anymore

these people must see that on stage oh

when you did that we have that video

still do you have that

video you gotta

do something with that

video but just even if it’s for internal use only

i need to see that set

give me that set please

brian i thought i sent it to

you already no you didn’t

you didn’t get me that set joey from from brea

it was last

night right it was

sunday night

yeah jesus fucking christ

i’ve never seen anybody kill harder than that

the only thing

that was closer to someone killing harder than that

was when you killed in

vegas at the

mandalay bay theater

holy shit when you were doing that bit

about fucking

having that fist

fight with the nun

holy shit i

might not have ever

laughed that hard at anything ever in my whole life

it was the funniest

thing i’ve ever seen you know we missed a comedy store

and that’s the bad

thing because during the week that’s what you enjoyed

laughing at each

other laughing

at each other and

that really

took away from my career because you see bill

burgold on a tuesday yeah

and wanna die you know he don’t care he’s so confident

that you want to try different things

you know we always get into conversations nostalgic

about the store and

at the end they were constant

whatever but

you know i don’t take away the

truth from anything

that’s what’s really lacking i wish we had and the

sounds is becoming sounds is

becoming that we just need some more people to go

down there support i’ve been out of town on wednesdays

we’ve got a

plenty plenty of people bill burr was by last week and

sarah sylvan

was by the week before

and it’s doug benson’s coming down all the time

steve renezez

he came and

crushed it really

i need to meet that dude i

still never met that dude

i don’t know

i’m a big fan of that dude that dude makes me laugh

he makes me laugh like

very few dudes he’s one of my top favorite guys to

watch that was like if

someone sends me a clip

someone sends me a clip and says

hey check out this katt williams clip

that fucking

thing where he was

going after

steve harvey

oh shit that’s funny

and one of the

things he’s accentuate something

and as they accentuate it he

slides across the room

like he’s kicking someone in the nuts

and as he does it he goes i’m a little nigga i

fight dirty

and he slides

slides on the stage

with his little

foot up in the air like he’s kicking somebody

in the balls

he’s a wild

dude man he makes me

laugh hard we were talking

about him a nerve

yeah you have no idea the numbers he does oh he does

crazy numbers

he goes you know that

place where we go to the ufc

he does that he does the

pearl at the palms that’s like 5 000 seats

that’s a big ass

place they have

big bands there katt william sells that fucker out man

and there’s

pictures of him in

the casino with like fur coats on and shit and diamonds

he’s hilarious man

that dude really makes me laugh

cause he’s just

going for it all the time

he’s not trying to be anything

other than he is

he’s just trying to be

funny he’s just

going for it all the time

going for the funny

going for the funny

and he’s fucking good dude

he does a funny thing

about fucking shaquille o’neal trying to be a cop

dude it’s fucking hilarious

it’s about how

shaquille o’neal’s

three year old was his height

it’s oh oh oh dude

it’s so funny

that special and that

thing that he did on michael jackson that made him a

storm when you

watch that bit on youtube

you watch that and you see the

black people

they don’t even know how to act because he’s saying

the truth yeah see the

truth is a motherfucker when you say it the

right way on stage

even if it’s

wrong what he was saying

where’s michael jackson

he’s probably

smelling little

baby’s booty holes or

something that is a

classic fucking line and he just runs from

there with it guys yeah he runs with it he attacked

when was the last time you seen michael jackson with a

woman not never

because all that

crazy shit brother that shit was that made him

a star that little piece

of him being himself

just that little

piece that comics pray for that utopia to come

one day it’s important to have guys like that out there

i like guys that are just

going for it

you know i like guys are out there just fucking

going for it

there’s a lot of people that

think the comedy

is you know comedy is

about the respect of your peers and creating the proper

clever joke with the

right wording and

it’s not man it’s

about entertainment

value it’s about your

stand up comedy

and to these

these days man

you comedy doesn’t even nearly have

to be that deep anymore if you want to get deep man

why you tell you know

you can you

could do a podcast and get deep you could

write a blog and get deep you know you could you

you can have a conversation with an intelligent person

you don’t have to get that deep beer comedy

the shit that makes me

laugh is cat williams sliding across the floor

kicking some dude in the ball

i’m a little

nigga i fight dirty

and when he does it’s so natural

it’s so funny man

ah that guy kills me man he’s got some great shit

i i and you know what he had

he actually had some real good advice too that i took

he said that

he listens to

he has on his ipod he has like a playlist

of all music that he listens to

right before he goes on stage

and i’m like damn that’s a

great idea because i have just like a

group of like some of my favorite songs

on my ipod that i just i

throw on it’s on my iphone too i’ll

throw them on like when i’m

at the gym or whatever but i don’t have a specific list

just for stand up

but that’s a good fucking idea

it’s a real good idea so i

started doing that

i started doing that just

based on that

because i know

music if you listen to like

the right kind of music

the right kind of

music can fucking get you in a good groove

man you know

especially if you haven’t

sometimes when

you listen to

music too much you lose its

power you don’t

have that feeling anymore it just loses its impact

but every now and then a song will just

jack you and let you know what’s possible

remember when we were at the brea

improv and we were in the parking lot

and i had that nissan truck

and you got out and had that crazy

sound system in

and you got out of your car you like joe rogan

joe rogan put this fucking cd in

right now in the summer down to summer

hot stuff you put on hot stuff

sitting here eating

my heart oh it’s a

good shit on that

greatest hits

some music drives you fucking nuts

i love music i love music

i love love it skinner

listen to let it skin it lately oh shit

i love that

skinner i love

almond brothers from the 70s leonard skinner

i love that vibe man there’s

something about that time like

if i’m in a pool hall and

sweet home alabama comes on it’s like

like your girlfriend just comes over and rubs your neck

you know i’m saying

it’s like someone comes over and gives you a hug

like that’s like don’t don’t

you know that you

oh sweet song

what a great song

this guy blue

what’s up and

they’re singing it they’re singing it man we doing

why do you like

your get your finger on the

trigger what are you doing over there

what are you doing

just waiting for

to get out of

here how long

we’ve been doing this

it’s seven fifty

well we just

we’re gonna be late for a show

whatever so we’re a couple minutes late there’s a

whole internet out there

but i’m running the show yeah

yeah which is even better

because they can’t go there without you being there

i can’t start it

i gotta go we did it two guys

this is it this is how we’re

gonna end this fucking

thing that’s it

this is the end

my my only friend

the end down down down

thank you to the

flashlight if you go to joe rogan

net entering the code name rogan you will get 15

off the flashlight

we will see you

this weekend in portland oregon at helium comedy club

thursday friday and saturday

it’s mad flavor

aka joe diaz

aka planet rock

no sharp with no wag weed

only the best

motherfuckers and

brian redband will also be performing on

stage that’s

right we’re

gonna rock it this week

thank you very much for

tuning in and we will see you guys

stay black next

week either

monday or tuesday we’re trying to get

kevin from attack of the show he

should be on

yeah how about

oh burke christ

is gonna be on yeah what