Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Bryan Callen.

Transcript

the joe rogan experience

what what bitches

are we here yeah

brian cowan ladies and gentlemen

the one and only good to be here good to be here very

excited one of my favorite favorite fucking

human beings

to ever walk the face of the planet

thank you sir and he’s here to join us

at the fucking

birth of the apocalypse

as it’s happening right before our eyes indeed

build your canoes

what the fuck is going on man

building a canoe i live in venice bro so i’m

gonna i gotta have a canoe on the top of my roof there

are you really

thinking about getting

something like that i don’t know i don’t know if a

canoe is gonna save you

think about all that

stuff by the way

yeah you should

i’m always thinking

about worst case scenarios well you live by the

water when you live by venice

you really must take into account that we just like

japan are on a fault line

and that shit

could happen here

that’s a fucking nine dude a nine

a nine we can’t

even wrap our heads around what that means a nine is so

crazy i saw a

video and i

couldn’t believe how long it lasted yeah five minutes

five minutes five minutes that’s ridiculous

five minutes at nine

what people if people don’t know the richter

scale how it works

every one point is 100

stronger than the

point before it

so a 72 100

stronger than a 71

this was a nine

so crazy this is the only like no

human beings

have ever that are

alive have ever experienced that before it was the

biggest on recorded history no not

the biggest in recorded history but the biggest that i

think anybody that’s

alive has ever experienced yeah

and i believe it’s the biggest

japan i guess

it’s the fifth or

sixth biggest

earthquake in history and it’s

the biggest one

japan’s ever

i don’t trust

although what

happened what are you doing with the vines buddy

what you do you just change the volumes

is that right

yeah what you do i just turned on the headphones you’re

just too high no i turned on the head

hey joe i turned on the headphone volume because it’s

super loud in my headphones and the only way i can

i turned down my headphones as if i turned down

your voices look at him denying

oh all right got a little

tense really

quickly you know how

tense he got

i think i’m sure

i think i’m surewing right now

i think you

are too just keep it together

buddy everything’s fine just don’t freak out all right

don’t freak out brian is that a bat

the most important

thing to these things just let it happen

just go with it buddy

by the way have you shroomed lately

it’s been a few months

i haven’t shroomed in like

eight years cause the last time i shroomed i violently

was shitting and puking at the same time and

tripping in the bathroom

for like six

hours it was a horrible experience

so i have been kind of nervous to do it again

ate them last night

most beautiful thing in the

whole entire road

like amazing

there was parts i was with my friend

where i was

looking at them

and like their faces you

could just feel the energy coming from

their face like visually

it was amazing

how much were you on

how much did you take only

ate half an eighth and made it into a tea

and did the tea process where you boil it and then you

drink it and then you let it sit for like another

whatever 30 minutes or whatever and then you ate

those shrooms and

it was awesome

so you drink the tea and

it was so clean

did i ever tell you my

shrooms experience

the last time i did shrooms

cause i was never a

seasoned drug addict

i was with patty remember

patty sure so

i take mushrooms and i eat a lot of them

cause man i was like let me see what these are like

cut to me i took a four hour shower

and had i wept

i laughed i reassessed my life

and then i saw

started seeing myself from the side

i just started seeing my profile

and i was sitting on a wall looking down at me you

know my profile and i was like here’s a couple problems

my legs are way too

short for my torso

oh and by the way

i’m a coat hanger i’ve always wanted to be a barrel

chested samoan

i’m a coat hanger from a long line

peasant and i

irish stock

we were used to

being persecuted running

knobby knees the

whole thing was a disaster

genetics are not fair

no man you look

at some fucking football players some of those

giant goliath

you look at a guy like czech congo

like when you’re

standing next to czech congo

genetics are not fair

there’s dudes

that are born like your friend that we were talking

about in the

kitchen your friend your

doughy small

effeminate friend

that guy just

gotta roll the dice

looks like he looks like an overgrown baby

just a roll the dice man

he could have been

checked congo i know

motherfucker i know

if i could be

built like any

if i could have any gene

i’d want samoan

jeans samoan just big

they can take

a punch too man

jesus christ mark hunt he’s

a k1 champion he’s now and he’s

fighting the

ufc now just won his last

fight and he’s

famous for it

dude’s head kicking up and he just fucking

wobbles a little and then straightens

right back up he

keeps coming

they did a thing on if you are samoan you are 55

times i believe this was the number

and it was on 60 minutes

and i believe they said

if you’re samoan

you are 55 times more likely to play in the nfl

than any white guy on the planet

they’re so fucking

strong tongins the

maoris and the samoans they’re just on another level

giant bones like

wrists like

elbows and fast yeah

like a lot of fast twitch muscle

not this endurance muscle remember david tua

oh yeah david tua

could have been like i knew his trainer

dude he was so badass but for whatever reason

never really totally got it together

lennox lewis beat him

and that took

a lot of wind out of his sales because linux

tagged him a couple times pretty hard well

i know the guy that trained

tua for that

fight for the linux

lewis fight i’ve actually worked out with him

and he said that the

first time tua had ever done he

never done a squat

and i believe

i don’t want to misquote him but then he said

he put 420 on his

shoulders and

he did a deep squat he went all the way down to

where his ass is

touching his heels

and came back up and the

trainer was like who’s a

power lifter

that’s the craziest

thing i’ve ever seen in my life you’ve

never squatted

he goes no man

by the end of it he was like

they had to

attach two horses two dead

horses to a bar you know dude

he’s one of the scariest

heavyweight

boxers to come

along in a long

time he wasn’t able to beat the best guys he

could never beat

lennox lewis

but he could

put anybody to

sleep did you ever see the

fight when he fought john ruiz

no he caught

john it’s on youtube he caught john ruiz burrough

is a very big man

tough dude too

you know burly guy

didn’t john ruiz

fight holyfield like

three fucking times

yeah yeah i

think he did didn’t he

yeah he was

rough david too

put him to sleep

dude just jumped on him early

hit him with

those gigantic

ham hawks fix

hit him with like

he tagged him

early and then just put him away

put him completely

asleep well you know you wonder as more and more

money ventures into

mma some of

those guys who are playing some of

those herschel

walkers and

and michael vicks they’re gonna

start coming to mma yeah

some of the guys who don’t want to they don’t want to

be playing for a team they’d rather fight

also ironically way more dangerous

for you crazy right

than is any mma

career that’s so

funny that people dispute that but

everyone looks at it in

an emotional way you don’t look at it in a contact way

look at these people are running at each

other and at 50 years old take a look at

their heads yeah

i mean it’s not

even it’s not a little bit more dangerous

it’s way more dangerous way

more dangerous

those fucking poor guys

like that kid was his name chris

henry the kid that fell off the back of a pickup

truck and died

remember he was chasing

after his girlfriend receiver yeah yeah

really talented athlete right well

young kid i but i

think he was only like

twenty five

twenty five or twenty

i think he was

twenty five

anyway they

it’s fucking massive

brain damage

when they did an autopsy on him

you know the concussions that he’s had

since playing football

he actually

shrinks and all kinds yeah you get

dementia i mean that’s what lou gehrig’s disease is all

about i mean

a lot of these guys are getting it it’s all from

head impacts and just

irreparable damage i used to think

yeah because the als or lou gehrig’s disease

they used to

think was a function of

toxin they had all different kinds of theories but

they’re starting to link

they think they’re

starting to link

some of the

stuff to the als

syndrome whatever to to

head injuries

yeah there was a whole

bride gumble special

about it it’s

scary stuff man people take that real

lightly you

know they take head

trauma real lightly

i’d say well

we don’t we’re

learning more and more i

guess now and now

you know that really

raises a huge question which is

if indeed you can

start to prove that

four concussions or

three concussions cause

brain damage if that’s the case or and and and

if they’re able to actually measure this

mm hmm it will

put a real onus on the nfl to figure out

a way to either change the rules or make helmets safer

but then you don’t have football

right you know

so it really it kind of it does it raises

isn’t rugby

probably safer because they don’t wear helmets

they probably don’t

smash each other yeah i

went to a rugby

match recently actually in the

south of france with i

think it was like the basque team

with these god

i’m attracted to you now

you international

travelers i go

to soccer and france well

it’s a summer in the south of france of course i play

france france

france yes and

i wish i could speak that way

i would be that really pretentious man

well you know

compared to a lot of people what you just said was that

yeah i didn’t

hear me i’m so i’m talking about

going to a soccer game in france

like what two

things i don’t

need no rugby

tight shorts and

soccer rugby

okay so one

thing i noticed was that

they’re just

as they’re huge men a lot of samoans

just huge dudes

rugby players are studs by the way real you ever

seen that thing that they do

that that strong

that strong

dan no that

dance they do

yeah the haka that’s the alt

holy shit dude that’s the new zealand

all blacks is my favorite

thing did you see ever see the

black and white one there’s a black

and white one

every one of them

i’ve seen every one of them

more than it

does it’s like

an adidas ad is that what it is yeah

fuck it’s good

have you ever seen that no if

you’re listening to this go to

haka dance new zealand all blacks

and there are

so many of them and take a look at that it’s a war

dance and they’ve been doing it

since the 1800s and it’s

carried on as a tradition and they take it pretty

fucking dope

you would think it’s

stupid like what is this dumbass

i got a really good one you see this one do freaks

he just he just

literally just

freaks they worked themselves into a frenzy man

yeah dude it’s a fascinating

thing to watch

it’s fun it’s real

you know what i mean like

they’re going

crazy but it’s not like

i don’t feel

like you’re faking it i feel like that’s what they’re

thinking that’s in

their heart

right it’s that

moment yeah

yeah i believe him

jimmy burke

by the way our dear friend

jimmy burke

from new york

got in a fight my friend got in a

fight with a guy

cause he told the

guy he looked like a combination of rudolph nurev and

he was this big guy walks out he goes he was

drunk goes dude you look like rudolph

nureyev and some

other old actor and something like

i don’t know like

clark gable or

and the guy’s like oh and he goes

and then he comes

back and he goes what’d you say i look like rudy rudy

as he walked out

he goes get rid of nerd he was a gay dancer gay dancer

i think he’s that amazed but anyways

the point is

and the guy goes

looks back and then he comes back and he goes

who’d you say i look like that’s gay well he goes rudy

it’s rudy anyway the guy takes his jacket

let’s go outside right now

so jimmy goes out there and my buddy jerry is with him

and he says to

jerry whispers he goes do everything i do

it’s like january he takes his

shirt off he’s got no shirt on it’s freezing

and he starts doing the hakka dance at the dude no

but he’s not looking at the guy

and the guy starts to flip and the

bouncers are holding him back and jimmy

never looked at him and just did the hakka dance

but made it really

sexual hakka dance

and he was like

and he’s not looking at him and flexing

basically posing we have to explain this guy

jimmy burke for this

story to really work

you tell this

about a normal person and you’re

gonna be like what the fuck are you talking

about that doesn’t even

i can’t even make

sense out of that like that someone

would use jimmy burke is 50 years old

we call him the national treasure

he’s got a very

long neck he’s got very red skin he’s got no eyebrows

and very very one of my favorite fucking

jimmy burke lines ever

he goes i ran into her accidentally

she thought i was

stalking her she goes are you

stalking me i’m like believe me

honey if i if i was

stalking you

wouldn’t be caught me

and i have stalked her

fucking funny

this guy funniest craziest i had it for the

impression at the beginning but then i lost it

i need to be around him more i need to see that guy i’m

gonna be in new york

and i got his number you remind i will he’s very very

he’s enthusiastic he really moves his mouth

and by the way by the way

he’s in very good shape

very good shape

holding and you hold that mouth position

very good shape

and wait for your reaction you’re like

you know what he does

you know what he does he makes children cry

no babies he goes

he loves kids he’s like hi baby

and sure you’re not

even babies like four year olds are like

he’s like and then he looked at me one

time he went down to the baby and i was playing he’s

going oh yeah

sure enough i’m like one two

three takes

three seconds

i look like skeletor

i look like a red skeletor

and he looks in the mother

he goes i’m so sorry

his face looks like it’s plasticine

even when he

says that if you know him it

doesn’t make you uncomfortable but

if god if i didn’t know him

and there was a guy like that i’d be like

this loose cannon

i can’t predict what he might do he

might do something

nutty well he did this how about this

i’m saying this podcast i hope he’s listening

i literally

he first of all

he rides his bike everywhere

he’s 50 he owns a bicycle and a tv and that’s all he’s

and that’s all he wants he’s like how he’s

always been he’s a monk he’s a true monk and

and he’s in better

shape than anybody in the world

he says come downstairs i’m on 57th and

between 8th and 9th and my

mother’s apartment

he goes it’s

literally 12 at night

in new york city

on like christmas eve you know

around christmas you know

where everybody’s on the

street you know to everyone he goes

come downstairs i have to show you something

come down in five minutes

click i go all

right that should be good

throw on my coat i go downstairs i’m

standing with

the doorman outside i hear from a long long way away

with boys a party on

tears and he’s rides by me in a down jacket

cowboy hat and no pants

and no pants

and he’s riding he’s popping with his ass in the air

and i see this this dead

baby bird this

this pet it looked like

a large boy

he’s hung but

it’s just that no hair

on he’s got little red hairs on it it’s a disaster the

whole thing is

and this white body he sees

neon white neon

like irish like

lost the pigment

like golem lost

the pigment lottery he gets in the sun he

starts smoking

literally he’s like a

vampire i swear to god

so he’s got this incredible

and he just

and this woman goes

he’s coming this way he’s coming this way

and he goes

merry christmas

merry and literally i just see

he bites by his

ass and i see his two balls his 50 year old balls just

swinging like a pendulum

outside and

a woman goes

he’s coming this way he’s coming this way he goes

merry christmas

and screams at him and he goes have a

great time turns back around and

tries back a block

in new york city

jesus christ

he’s a streaker man

what is he doing for a living these days he still

training only

acts and you know he said

he does he does

funny job he’s

got really rich friends to all want him around

so please come

come on the trip it’s a

private jet will take you anywhere he’s like all right

that’s the thing

about james

very few people in the

world especially when they get to their names

can do this can be like

dude you wanna go to

tibet all right

there’s no plans nothing nothing nothing makes you go

and what does he do just call his clients hey i’m not

gonna train you this week or not

or not he just goes to tibet

it doesn’t say anything to that

and they show up at their appointments plus his dad

know jimmy’s are so he goes all over the world for free

he’s such an odd duck man this

i’ve always

admired how how what a free spirit he is but also like

how like you always think like guys like that are

gonna you know some point in time

at least make an attempt

to appear to have their shit together no

he’s an amazing guy and i’m gonna tell you

the other thing he is he’s

truly made peace

with like with he’s a true atheist like a real atheist

he’s truly made

peace with the fact that he

is only here for a

short period of time and he’s

dying to him

is not something he’s afraid of he came down with

tuberculosis

but they didn’t know what it was

because he had

been exposed to it by his grandfather when he was

three years old

so he starts

going to the hospital

and they i get a call my

buddy says they’re looking at they

think it’s lung cancer or that disease that

those 911 firemen

get that where your

lungs disintegrate from breathing all that stuff

either one they’re both fatal

so and they’re looking for

it and they tell him look this is probably what it is

and i was with him when

shortly after he knew all that you

would never have

known and it’s not the nile

he said to me he

goes he told me what the a prognosis was and i was like

jesus my best friends i was like this is the

worst thing

and he said

i said how do you feel you seem so normal he goes bry

first of all if i’m

gonna die i’m gonna

treat it like it’s a comedy

and oh by the way my funeral

better be a good time and you better make people laugh

oh and by the way i’ve made

peace with my life i’m not afraid to die

and i saw that

firsthand which i thought was just you

know he’s just an amazing guy

he’s got a good grip on

things in a

weird way yeah he reads

everything he knows i mean he knows so much he’s

very very bright guy that’s why it’s so strange that

guys like that almost always

in somehow or another

they fall into

some at least

semblance of normalcy

you know you know what i mean like

they’re not 50 with an

apartment and a tv and a bike right

you know like

you try to get your shit together you run a

house somewhere yeah yeah we’ve got a house now

you’re looking to buy

but you know we don’t

know what anymore or

you’re ambitious which

he never was he’s never

and it’s not like anything

self conscious

about either no

is this guy ticklish

um i don’t know let’s find out

brian i don’t know

brian you got some time this weekend

hey did you see what gilbert godfrey said

about japan yeah

what do you guys

think about that

have you seen it

well let’s read the

quotes read the

quotes gilbert godfrey

yeah to me it was like all

right that’s

that’s not even trying to be like

edgy or like i don’t know what he’s

thinking like it’s pretty funny

yeah i mean but

still i don’t even

think that’s even to me

yeah too soon well what

did you think

what did you

think about

what he said

i just thought

definitely does he realize how many people died

you know how many kids died how many

fucking you know

seriously there’s time

where you should just not do anything and there’s

definitely i

think a time period

you know yeah

i don’t i don’t try to

say anything like that you know

i mean that’s what i felt i’m not fucking raising flags

and protests i

think that’s fair

to be i think we

should all be more conscious

of people’s feelings this is what 50 cent said

50 cent said

look this is very serious people i had to

evacuate all my hoes from la hawaii and japan

are you serious

i had to do it lol

he gets points up

until the lol

yeah that’s right

first of all because lol

lol especially when you have just the

first letter capitalized

and then the next one not that looks really fucking

stupid dude

all right that looks dumb either you

going with all caps

or no caps with your lols

okay second of all are you a girl

no then what’s with the lol

okay listen

that’s for girls and retards

that’s what lols for

girl but the

the idea behind it you know that you just

start immediately

making jokes about

all these poor fucking people that got hit before i

think that’s a defense mechanism

i think a lot of men have that as

defense i don’t have a problem with people making jokes

about it why wait you know

i think what he said was hilarious

i’d evacuate all my hoes

i mean come on that’s fucking funny 50

cents one was fine with me what did

godfrey say

okay you had a much more gilbert godfrey let’s

see what his tweet said

gilbert godfrey’s

tweets were

oh they’re not even showing them man

they covered them up

well it’s not in this one what was one

was like a lot of stories where they’re not one was

kind of like hey my girlfriend broke up with me

don’t worry another one will

float by soon or something like that yeah

i can’t find them unfortunately

i think sometimes when you’re trying to be

funny sometimes things can go awry

yeah well i mean he’s just a silly guy you know

he’s a silly guy who

who’s funny in the doing yeah but

that’s something you say to your friends maybe

i hung with him a couple times and i’ve

laughed harder with that guy

we did an episode of csi together

we just had the most off

color fun in the world but you also

you also got to

understand the mentality of the new york comedian

newer comics are always trying to over insult

you to the point of being you just

completely outrageous like

jim norton told a really funny

story on opie and anthony

about louis

ck and him hanging out

in the in the village

and lucy k just walks up to him

and slaps his

pizza onto the ground and says your mother’s a cunt

like out of nowhere

and and and jim norton is

laughing while he’s telling us and he’s like i was a

juicy slice of

pizza to i was so mad

but it’s like i’ll read you the text that will status

sends me because we have a relationship like that

where he just we try to

insult each

other the worst we can

he started calling me a mule

and just and he sends me the most outrageous text

i can’t even describe

those those

relationships with

friends like that are fun like people don’t understand

you try to get like

eddie bravo and i do that shit to each

other all the time

but anyway gilbert godfrey is in

you know he’s a comic

and when you’re a

comic you mean sometimes you

write shit and

you’re writing shit really for people like you

and for fucking gilbert

if he was at home

and he was reading someone’s twitter

and he started saying all this shit

about japan he would be

laughing his fucking ass off

it doesn’t mean that he’s not a sensitive guy it

doesn’t mean that he

doesn’t feel

you know bad for all

these people it’s just it’s also

funny well i call them one

time i was doing yeah but have you ever seen a little

asian girl cry

so adorable now times that by millions

and then little gilbert goffier’s

going over there

oh listen man i don’t

think it’s right to say

those things

but i think

it’s funny to gilbert

it’s funny stuff i mean it’s

funny to me too

look i feel terrible

about what happened in

japan but those are

still good jokes and you know he’s yeah

they’re good jokes but not good jokes

maybe depend

on your twitter

i wouldn’t say that

no listen i

wouldn’t say them

i wouldn’t say him for a

bunch of reasons that says i

wouldn’t want to say anything that

would hurt anybody’s feelings like that

especially someone who just

randomly got i don’t care how

funny the joke is yeah i don’t

think i don’t think

that’s yeah i don’t

think gilbert is the kind of guy whoever

he’s not got no sacred cows to him

he’s gonna say the joke and he’s

a good guy he’s not a bad guy

it’s just that he’s looking for the

laugh there’s a

laugh there and he sees it

and as a comic he just goes for it

and then people

freak out and get upset

about it i’m sure

he probably

never expect he’s from the

age of no internet

you know he’s from the

age where you

could say anything you wanted so

you know those guys they

developed that way you

forget how many people are not into what you’re talking

about you know

and that’s what it becomes and that’s okay

yeah it’s okay

the problem

the only problem was that he’s

commercial artist as well

he does commercials

and that what that’s what

fucked him they pulled him off of a campaign because

you know look

obviously this is a terrible tragedy

you know and no one’s no one’s trying to make

light of that no but can’t you can’t you both

mourn for the people and

laugh too is that

possible and i was

gonna say this is what i was

gonna say is that

you you know

for the most part i

think in tragedy that’s exactly what you need

the last thing somebody is

going through a

tragedy needs is a

bunch of other people acting really somber around that

right and suppressing happiness and

laughter and

i’m not saying that

you should be

happy that that happened of course not

but shouldn’t

you know shouldn’t we

try to be the happiest we can at all times always

absolutely and i

think there’s always room for humor

and it does take some of the sting out of it if you

it’s very soon but

think about how a lot of times you do deal with

with things you

start marking

when you’re actually over something by

how easily you can make fun of it

and how easily you can take those

sometimes you’re pushing that too

quickly obviously and i

think there is a

time to reflect and be safe

personally i

think but you know i agree

but there’s something to people

about making a joke

about a situation

as to not being

able to feel for the people that are in that situation

and it’s not it’s just that god it’s so far removed

you know it’s way over there

that he doesn’t even

think about it he

just says the joke

right i don’t

think i mean i

would never do it and i know you

would never do it but

he’s just a

comic man that’s what they

do and a good one and he’s

a comic that’s like

known for saying like the most offensive yeah

like one time

i do every year i do the

doris roberts children

with aids benefit so

we do stand up

kevin james does it sometimes it’s a good time

sarah silverman

and we got up and we do

20 minutes in this big thing

and i called gilbert to see if he wanted to do it

and gilbert

gilbert’s a

great you know and i know him and

he just kept

going fuck the children

and i go no but listen this is a benefit

fuck the children

i’m not doing whatever

he wouldn’t stop saying that

until i fucking

finally had the hang i was like oh fuck so

he seems like when he’s on howard

stern that he very rarely has a real conversation

right what if

this would be

funny what if the

same shit happened in

california though listen

you’re right and then he did a joke

about how morning we lost half

our friends you’re

right you’re

right you’re

gonna be totally different no no

no you’re right

brian there are guys in

japan and in england

everywhere else that

would be saying i mean

yeah i agree with you that it

would hurt yeah

but i don’t

agree with you

that he shouldn’t be able to say it no you

should say it but you should

put on your twitter and

openly almost brag like look i’m being

fucking edgy

i think he made

you know you’re pushing it in your face like

almost like

i think gilbert

you miscalculated and made an

error and judgment that’s

twice he did it

twice or three times he did

three different

tweets he did a

bunch of them

yeah all right he took them down unfortunately i don’t

think it’s the mother

on tmz if anyone’s looking for him there on

tmz’s website i think the

second or third page

i mean you know

i like gilbert and i don’t

think he means what he says and i

think he was just being a comic

and probably just pushed the envelope a little

we’re apologist

so let me read yeah he’s really good on jam

here’s here’s what will sasso

wrote to me

this is literally

like i just i’m just doing minding my own business

and i get this

text from him and this is our relationship and

speaking of

of kind of being able to joke around he goes

you’re a fucking meat

pod i go what

what’s a meat

potty is a fucking anthropod made of meat

you’re a fucking

you’re a fucking all fours walking meat puppet

hey meaty meaty mule

ready to hang your

slack face through

much town while

you i can’t

you mosey around on all fours turn the mule

go round hey mule get over here and lick

these mites out of my ass

you guys sound like you’re

queer for each other yeah

let me read this

gilbert godfrey

japan things

sorry you’re like a little

child over there here’s one

japan is really advanced they don’t go to the

beach the beach comes to them

i just split up with my

girlfriend but

like the japanese say there’ll be another one

floating by any

minute now wow

that one’s fucked up

you know but whatever man

you know if you’re

gonna want these guys to say fucked up shit

about other

things you’re

gonna accept it when it’s something that you know that

either is close to home or hurt your feelings or

or you feel and i feel bad i

absolutely feel

bad for the people that had if they had to hear

those jokes and they lost someone over there

absolutely terrible

but you know

fuck is it worse

the joke does

the joke actually make the idea of i mean how

could you hurt anybody

worse than losing a

loved one there’s nothing

worse the joke is not

gonna make it worse

especially you know

i was thinking

about that just have

your children whatever just washed away

just washed away dude i

watched some of

those videos

it’s so terrible some of

those videos there’s

the initial

video where it

breaks the wall

and you see

these boats

come over the top of this wall the sea wall and

start smashing through houses

and it’s like

whoa man like that is

it’s unbelievable it’s such

heavy duty fury and then he realized

how much fucking

water is there out there it’s an ocean

god damn it why

would you live so

close to the ocean

you know like i was in malibu this weekend we went to

the there’s a

place called malibu seafood real

nice place for

you know like

this is like a good little

fresh seafood

place in malibu

and as we were driving i was looking at all these

houses that are like

right on the beach

and they’re

ridiculously expensive

you know for a little tiny ass

house it would be like five six million bucks

like they’re really expensive you talk

about in malibu

yeah in malibu

and i’m like wait a

minute they’re on the beach

like what kind of

trust do you fuckers have i

don’t you got

trust that that shit’s

gonna stay there

like i remember the

first time i ever

was in a car high

eddie bravo was driving

and we were in redondo beach

and we were

going over this edge of this hill

and i look off to the left hand side and i see the

ocean and it was the

first time it ever

occurred to me

how much fucking

water that is

just sitting

right there

what we saw

the japanese thing

was just a little

it was just like it

moved in its

sleep like the ocean

just really amazing was

those videos by the way like the

house is just

i mean incredible

it makes you really realize what

could happen if say there was a

like an asteroid impact or

the canary islands

the east coast has to

worry about the canary islands because

apparently there’s

a volcanic shelf

that if it drops off and it will and it has in the past

drops off into the

ocean it will

cause a fucking

tidal wave that will

drown everyone

a mile in on the east coast

the whole northeast

coast is just gonna get

fucking slammed

with this insane amount of water

you know what’s

weird is that

when i watched that wave come through

i thought the

houses could withstand it sort of i mean they just go

under walk you know what i mean

but instead it got all just

up even like telephone poles got up

the mass of that

water is something i don’t

think pushing

debris yeah

exactly pushing

it’s like a huge

like like the

thing like the mob or whatever that that

right right right yeah

yeah absorbs

everything yeah

yeah it’s it’s got

fucking cars in ours

yeah it’s like a huge like a

meat mush of

stuff and there’s so

much energy behind it i mean didn’t they say that the

tsunami wave was

traveling something like 500

miles an hour i

think when once they get an

earthquake on the on the

bottom of the

ocean the ripple

effect can be as fast as 6

so i guess yeah

astronomers i can

start underwater that fast like

fuck man it’s just energy i guess

he said it created

a breach that was

or i don’t know what the word they used to describe it

but 50 miles wide and

270 miles long

that’s how much

moved on the bottom of the

earth’s surface crazy

that’s like

those rogue waves when you’re on a cruise

oh i’ve seen those

sometimes fuck a cruise ship dude fuck that

fuck that i hated when i was on a cruise ship too

that scares the shit out of

me not only that here’s what i think

about on cruises

what a perfect way for a maniac to

randomly kill people just

throw people

off the boat

i’m just gonna

jump you off the boat

do you think

they don’t i’ve been on cruises

at 12 at night nobody’s

on that deck and nobody’s stopping the boat they don’t

what’s that shit called

what’s that shit called

where they say that people on boats sometimes like

gaze out into the

ocean and just jump off

for some reason like there’s like a term

for it no no no

no they call it like oceans

dream or something like like they get transpired

by it almost

yeah and it’s

probably i always thought like it’s probably doesn’t

exist that condition is just people getting murdered

and there’s

no ocean mermaid kiss

remember in the

odyssey when

odysseus tells the sailors not to look at the sirens

or not to listen to the sirens

cause if you listen to them

you’ll jump in the water and try to

you’ll try to follow them and then you drown

and a lot of the men didn’t

cover up their ears

yeah it was the sirens

and isn’t there a celtic myth

about something like that as well

what was that oh brother where art thou

when the women in the water are they sirens

is that what they were they were mermaids aren’t they

no they were like temptresses i love mary

that was a great fun movie that

comes from the coen brothers are the best man

i forgive them even for movies that end with no ending

cause i loved when they just do

weird shit they just take chances

maybe barney barton fink

yeah it was such a

great movie with john goodman and john tutorial dude

fargo man still holds up go back and

watch raising arizona oh yeah elf

what the fuck bro

elf is good i watched that last night that

doesn’t have anything to do what we’re talking about

i’ve never seen an elf i can’t can’t comment on it i

haven’t will ferrell’s hilarious

you know what i did see i went to see red riding hood

because of a fucking completely fixated on

werewolf i’m friends with i’m friends with the director

of red riding hood

really really your friends with the

chick who directed twilight

yeah are you wearing a tampon

or anything

i don’t know i’m

good friends

with her with her

with her boyfriend what jamie

we play cricket did you guys talk twilight and

did you ask her serious questions and pretend you

enjoyed the movie okay now

do you think that they really love each other or

for me like i felt that but i just he’s a vampire

making this together

please tell me that you got an insincere

conversation with the

woman who was the director of twilight

about how great the movie was

no we actually ended up playing running charades

please tell me

that you i wish i had she’s cool man she’s really cool

i actually watched the first twilight

and i didn’t have a problem with it i was like well

it’s not a bad movie but there’s been way worse movies

it’s not for me it’s not my

generation it’s for children what do you think

i saw the second one

the books are amazing come on

try live the book

anyway go on i got to

i think it was the

second one i was like all

right this is getting fucking dumb

yeah this dropped off

first one was pretty good

a good job capturing that teenage angst yeah

that achy love yeah it’s like an achy

love sort of horror

movie was kind of like a key love but more

exciting than the usual whiny bullshit i

fell in love with her to kristen

stewart i don’t know what it is

about her but i just wanted to

you know she’s my friend john’s daughter

really yeah john stewart was the the

i guess i don’t

know his actual position assistant director i guess

on fear factor

he was the guy who

organized everything on the set he’s a

great super pro

he’s one of

these guys talks like this we got you over there

buddy have a seat will we get you in five

tn5 just always on the ball

juggles the

whole set like a fucking

champion we had a

bunch of people that did that job

and they all

stumbled and

fucked up and people it’s just too much work

but this guy’s like an old pro he’s been around forever

and he was telling me

about his daughter doing some

movie with jodie

foster i’m like yo why you letting your

daughter act i know

what’s that about

and then meanwhile listen to me i mean his

daughter now is

one of the most

famous actresses in the fucking

world and you

know she’s probably

made enough

money to retire

for the rest of her life she’s making a lot of

money she’s so pretty something

about her i just find so

like she doesn’t try

she doesn’t really even wear makeup she just is

i just say you know there’s so much to be said

for people who can just be present and not

not try to do anything and not try to be

but before we

start in any conversation

about a girl

i have to tell you that you know that you are

always attracted to girls that look like they may cry

you are you are the guy who comes over

and the girl is standing out in the rain

and you and she looks like she’s

gonna cry and you’re like hey look what i found

let me get in my

horse and ride over there

yeah you love that that’s

the best that’s the funniest and best way to describe

that’s you buddy

you and i have talked

about this many times

i’ve had to rescue you a few times

yeah you have i had to

and i actively

ignored you a couple times a

couple times and a lot of

money there was one time

where i ran into brian and

brian and i were in hollywood and he said i’m gonna

bring this girl by the time i’m dating i

would love to see her and

she goes hi nice to meet you

and i shake her hand i look at him i go come here for a

second and i go

i take him outside i go listen to me

i go she’s crazy she’s fucking crazy

i have like the most ridiculous

crazy radar

and when someone when there’s something really

wrong with someone

my body goes on red alert well

guess what she was on meth

when she met you yeah meanwhile

i didn’t know i didn’t know what the hell i knew

i just thought she had energy and she was

squirrely as fuck

as soon as she came over dude she was so

off the charts bizarre

and shaky and weird

and she’s saying

hello to me

i pull him aside all she said is

hello nice to meet you

and then i go whoa

come here for a

second i take him outside and i go she’s fucking

crazy listen

let’s get out of here

right now let’s get out of here

right fucking now

just you don’t have to say goodbye to her

just call or tell you

never gonna hang out with her

again anyway

the long end of the story is

chaos all sorts of

things happen he

breaks up with her and then many many years

later how many years

later was it that you saw her walking

tell the story

walking on the

street about a

year tell the

story keep it

kinda okay okay

okay that’s

we’re on the

dl we never name any names

yeah i know no it’s just you

dated a hundred methods

that’s true

it could have

been any one of them it used to be my thing

nothing really good comes out of that hole

that whole drug man

if nobody ever said hey i did meth and then

everything worked out yeah there’s

problems and i did some meth and

everything just i got a new house

and my body looks great

you know it looks

what’s tricky is that adderall stuff

which is kind of like a

speed right

i mean isn’t it cocaine

it’s cocaine

is it it’s just cocaine

that’s what it is

is it probably that’s what it

feels like to

me when i did it just felt like i was on cocaine

well that’s probably because most of the cocaine

you got was cut

with arrow with

speed oh yeah yeah so i

think it’s like a

speed yeah speedy

yeah because

the late great

robert schimmel

god bless him

rest his soul

and all that good

stuff great guy

he he told me once

i ran into him just

randomly he told me

about accidentally taking someone’s adderall

he thought it

was something else he thought it was like his

blood pills you know he had a

heart attack

right and he thought it was

a and he had cancer yeah he’s a

hit a lot of fucking serious health problems

makes makes you

maybe didn’t have a

heart attack

maybe just had cancer

anyway he had some serious health problems and he um

he took this adderall by mistake

and he called his doctors like holy shit i

think i took adderall by mistake what do i do

he said you can’t do anything just kick back and

enjoy the ride

yeah it’s gonna be with you for the next 12

hours but you’re

gonna be fine

he goes for 12

hours i just organized all my notes

he goes i just

started right he goes i got so much shit

done is that what you take it for to be more

clear yeah some people

take it in it like

add people usually take it yeah

buddy mine’s on it he’s on it all day

you know him too we’ll talk

about it off the air

but he’s on it all day

he takes it all day

every day he’s prescribed by a doctor

really yeah

i don’t know

what specifically they said he needed it for but

man he’s a fucking workaholic now

it’s like that fucking

movie that’s coming out with bradley cooper

yeah you know limitless

limitless where you take a pill and all of a

sudden this pill makes you like super focused yeah

i’m sure they’re

gonna come up with stuff that’s adderall bro

i mean there’s a lot of fucking people on adderall

i found out

about adderall when i was on fear factor

because there was pas

production assistants

and the production assistants

were all like college kids you

know they were

all like doing it like a lot of them were

you know they’re doing it for

you know just getting out of school

first gig and they’re doing it you know as

part of their classes

and they would

start talking

about how they

would take adderall

while they’re in school

so i was like you know kids are taking an adderall

like what are you doing

and they’re like oh my god i can’t even go to

school without adderall

i was like what

like what are you talking

about that’s what i thought was interesting

about did you see that documentary bigger faster

stronger yes

and you know

people say well you’re taking steroids

and then they’ll be gene doping and all kinds of

things and pretty soon

they’ll have nanotechnology that kind of oxygenates

your blood but

they said you know

steroids are illegal but yet performers can take beta

blockers for

example that actually keep them from getting nervous

the debate really can they really they’re

allowed that’s

legal well i mean you know

apparently i mean an orchestra

one of the guys was an orchestra

violinist and he takes beta

blockers because it helps him

he otherwise

doesn’t get nervous he’s much better at playing

the issue is

that is a performance enhancing drug

you could you

could make the argument right

and right but that’s like

the diversity

violins and steroids

pretty well

but it brings into question

but but but the debate still is

they’re both performance enhancing

drugs one make sure muscular because that’s what was

required in your

particular endeavor

right whereas the other

makes you focused

you know your fingers are more

relaxed whatever it might be

it’s just an interesting debate you got

where do you draw the line

i say personal freedom is

where you draw the line

i think you

should be able to do whatever

you want to do if you want to take adderall and

write books all day good for you

why would i give

individuals the choice

it’s like when

bloomberg in new york

mayor bloomberg

made restaurants were not allowed to

provide foods that had

trans fats i believe i don’t know if that

law went through but that was the that was the what

exactly are

trans fats i

think trans

fats with penises no i think

just knocked it out of the park

there it is

that’s why he’s here folks

i think it’s like

a partially

i think a partially

hydrogenated

oil something

whatever it is it’s not good but delicious

you know what man i want to be able to eat not

good but delicious in terms

if you’re gonna make a trans fat illegal let’s go

let’s make up two things let’s take white flour and

sugar how about

fucking cigarettes man yeah

before they even

touch that where do you draw the line that’s

yeah white flour and

sugar make some delicious donuts that’s

where you draw the line now if you eat too many of them

you’ll get diabetes

but give me a break you know

you’re gonna make it

you can’t you gotta figure out

where to draw the line you make people weaker

people should be able to make their own choices

based on the information

that they can and nowadays everybody can get

information i’m always amazed that so many people don’t

spend more time taking a look at what they put in

their bodies but

some people

worry about like

access to children this is like the big

worry yeah yeah i hear that

about adults but what

about my kids i

want my kids to

worry it’s never been

it’s never not been a worry

that the answer to that is not to take away

adults ability to choose

things for themselves

it doesn’t make the

world a safer

place you want to try to make the

world a safer place

let’s take one example

lower the speed

limit to 36

miles an hour

it’ll save lives

i can measure that for you mathematically

you want to

lower the speed

limit no we’re

gonna have it

at 55 65 because that’s the way life that’s

the pace life moves at

and by the way people die at that pace

but nobody’s

gonna slow down

cause the slow down

is ready not worth it

so you’re putting a

price on human life

which we do

every single day as a society

and we have to

that’s interesting way to put it you

could spend more

money on airlines you could

spend actually more

money to really really

triple safeguard

planes you could actually do it

wouldn’t be worth it

because price

for everybody

would go up

and you wouldn’t be able to fly that way

we make these decisions subconsciously and consciously

every single day

my friend johnny used to said

why don’t they put a big parachute at the top of the

plane right

it’s like such a

smart thing

great i thought

about that i’m like god damn it that’s like some

genius shit

right why don’t they nobody even talks

about it no i like when they find that

when they find that black box

i was like why don’t they just make the whole

plane made out of the same shit did this

that was hacking 87 it sure was

why don’t they at least give you parachutes per

you know like underneath your seat just in case of you

just last you’re fucked anyway bro that’s

500 miles now

they don’t fall out of the sky usually most

plane crashes happen on takeoff and landing

so that’s that’s so you’re a pair of parachutes are not

gonna do shit it’s not like you’re in the air and the

what you need is some sort of

adamantanium

the shit that wolverine’s bones is made out of

right like a

shield that you put around you on impact what

matter because in fact the percussion your brain was

maybe you maybe you

or just my brain would be fine bro

we’re just a huge shot of heroin with bubbles and stuff

i got padding in my

brain maybe you bro whatever joe’s getting competitive

with you he’s getting competitive

who can take more impact this is just a

stupid conversation

i hate this podcast

yeah last night when i was

strumming and went outside and looking at the stars

when you’re sherooming is the most fucking amazing

thing in the

whole entire

world they were just

pulsating you

sound like you’re riding a dolphin

right now dude

with a unicorn

blowing him

and over a lot

right now right

now unicorns licking his ass always got

hay around his asshole all the unicorns look at

as i frolic through

i want to shure

him every day

i don’t think that’s good for you bro

i think that’s

what happened to the mayans that’s my latest

i have this bit

about the mayans

but the mayans you

know the reason why they came up with this end of the

world shit see

they were fucking doing mushrooms and like staring at

space all day

like there’s a certain amount of mushrooms you

should stop at

and then whatever the fuck the mayans did

cause they disappeared

you know the people the mayan people are

still there that’s what’s weird

when i went to chichen itza i went

and went on the tour of the ruins and

everything like that

there’s people there that look like

those mayan

sculptures there’s

people there that have

those mayan features and they’re really tiny people

it’s really bizarre

so the mayans it’s not like they all died off

but whatever the fuck they were doing was so crazy

that it got to a

point with human sacrifices

the whole thing just fell

apart you’re doing

human sacrifice i’d call that pretty

crazy and raiding

other villages and

might have been a lot of it

might have been that they were just

getting fucked up on mushrooms all the time and just

going to war on mushrooms and we know the vikings

went to war on mushrooms

they would become

berserks the scots they

call them berserks yeah i don’t know what mushroom they

took i’m sure someone on twitter will tell us but i

think it was the amanita muscaria

which is the one that’s linked to siberia and

santa claus

and cause they

would get naked

they would get

naked and they say they’d cry blood

yeah well you

know listen man if you fucking put yourself on the

right mixture

you know and you

gotta go to war you put yourself on some

crazy i do it next dimension mixture

you know you have to go to war

we think of war as something to be

avoided but when

you’re living in 1 ad

there’s no avoiding it

there’s dudes with

swords and they’re coming on

horses and we

gotta get a

spear and the

weird thing is

the way they

would fight is that

like the way

they would fight i always

think about this if i was in the front

line you want me to charge into all that all

those blades

and just fight like that

i’d be waiting i want to be the sniper

wanna be the there was no

avoiding that

that shit happened i’d

learn the bow and

arrow quick

yeah but even that man eventually someone’s

gonna run up on you and hack your leg off

it’s a bad way to die what a

crazy way to go to war

those fucking

braveheart movies but

you know what you have

two armies they meet across a

field and they just run at each

other i know

did they really rock it like that

i hope not i

wouldn’t have

done that at

least they had anesthesia and antibiotics back then

right i wouldn’t have

stopped them

finchers i would have stopped to bend over to tie my

metal shoelaces

do you know how sucky it was to live back then

you died of

things like

tetanus diphtheria

whooping cough

smallpox how about

starvation and

animal attacks

starvation animal attacks

other other like

countries coming in and

going hey we’re

gonna kill you and enslave your kids and rape your

wives you know what people have forgotten

about man wolves

cause all this talk

like we gotta save the wolf

the wolf are amazing majestic

creatures yeah

wolves used to eat fucking kids man

there’s a reason why all

these little red riding hood with that

movie that i saw all these

three little pigs you

reason why there’s

wolves in all

these children’s doors

cause wolves

would fucking eat your kids

they’re out there man

and they’re getting

stronger and bigger

did you hear

about the wolf pack in siberia or

somewhere in the soviet union

performance or

wherever you

know russia

whatever it’s called oh they

found meat 400

they found meat

they had found bear

dna in their feces they were killing bears right

well no that’s not what i’m talking

about i’m talking about

a pack of super

wolves there was 400

wolves in this russian town

and they were killing

horses they were ganging up because it got so cold

apparently that all the animals that they prey on died

so they started

breaking into

places and killing horses

and there’s 400 of them acting as a super pact

first of all living in siberia in the wintertime

and they’re like

i’m not sure if it’s siberia

it’s somewhere obviously incredibly cold in alaska

because everything died

everything froze to death

this has been a lot of

freezing to

death lately man

or in vietnam

7 000 fucking

i think was

oxen oxen or

some wild cow or something or

whatever the fuck it was but 7 000

large animals died

wow with all

these massive die offs

that’s happening

this year i mean all of them together i don’t remember

any die offs

i think they

always happen i

think you think so

yeah i think in nature you

always have diabs and by the way you also always have

viruses that come in and wipe out for example

wild dog of africa

that dog you

know a lot of from what i’ve read and seen i believe

they get one of them gets distemper

and then the

whole pack dies you

know they just

spread it back and forth i had a dog that had distemper

it was scary as

fuck yeah it’s

scary at a rescue dog he was a doberman

and he was real sweet

and then all of a

sudden out of nowhere man he just

started snapping at me and

growling at me and i was a little kid i was like 11

one of the great

things we’ve done

as human beings in the 20th century is

really checked most

pathogens most diseases like that

we have come up with

an ability to really make them slim to vanishing in our

everyday lives

when was the

last time you knew anybody who died of a disease

and if you read any kind of

literature any

literature pick up any book

from even 1948

even if you

watch plays

there was always

everybody had

dealt with different kinds of plague whether it was

influenza in this in

the worldwide

influenza that hit this country

very very hard

in the 20s or

or polio which put

countless children thousands of children

on iron lungs they died and then they lost

their ability to walk

and our own president

i mean our own president of the united

states got polio

and was in a

wheelchair now

think about that you know

when he was governor of new york

theodore roosevelt i’m sorry

franklin roosevelt was you know

i think he was governor of new york yeah

but he was basically

walking and

standing and then he got polio

when he was at the height of his power

and at the height of his

power is when he caught it yeah

yeah then he became president

yeah there’s no

doubt that it’s

the safest time to live ever there’s

never been a time like this

you know with all the violence that we have

think of the

population the population has dramatically increased

when people say well

things aren’t like they were in the 70s

motherfucker do you know how

many more people there are than they were in the 70s

in the 70s there

was probably only 3 billion people in the

world or something

but we also have

what the other

thing is amazing is we’ve figured out ways to harness

food like you know

india wide swaths of

india and southeast asia and

especially like china

went through terrible

famines and

never had enough to eat and a lot of that a lot of that

stuff is a memory

thank god it seems to me though that

these things are happening much more

frequently i

would like to

think that it’s just because of our access

to information that we have with the internet and

twitter and all

these things so we find out

about disasters

whether it’s in chile

whether it’s in

china whether it’s in new zealand

we find out

about them in real time

but i don’t buy that man i feel like there’s more

i mean i guess someone

should do the research or

maybe someone

already has and i just need to find the site but

i think more

things are happening now than i can ever remember but i

think i think i’m trying to be objective no i

understand but i

think we all have a tendency

as human beings also number one to

first of all i don’t

think there’s ever been

a time in history

when people

weren’t predicting

the end of our race sure

and i’m talking about

first century

the first century’s pharisees i mean you know and

or the essenes i mean that the

in the bible that’s what they talk

about they were apocryphal you know yeah and and

that is that is so

much a part of our nature i

think not only to always

imagine disaster and

prepare for disaster

but to predict

disaster and i

think that the one

thing that’s for sure is that you will always deal with

these what they call

black swans these

sort of aberrations

that come out of nowhere and take the whole

chess board

and throw it

the air and that is as much

about the human

experience as

anything else

and i think that if you

always keep in mind that all this can be

taken away from you

or can change you

or can throw your

what what your your

whole contract that you came to this

table with in

rip it to shreds you that’s

a problem no one’s read that contract

this is the real problem with

human beings

we all just

exist and we don’t really

think about what the fuck is

truly going on

until something nutty happened that’s

right and by the way remember a lot of

psychiatrists will tell you that all of us come to the

table with a contract

like we all

make deals with ourselves we say if i work really hard

i’m gonna get this job

if i work really hard i’m

gonna get famous

i work really hard

i’ll make a lot of money

and a lot of times

life doesn’t work that way for a

whole myriad

of reasons a lot of times by the

way it’s because people aren’t honest with themselves

and don’t realize what they’re actually good at

versus what they want to be good at

we see that a lot with acting and all

these things but i

think you see it everywhere

but at the end of the day most of us

it’s really

interesting the social scientists because they’ll say

a lot of times we have a contract

come to the

table and we say this

is what happens we get

older it doesn’t happen

but human beings

are also really really good at creating what they call

synthetic happiness

they can they can assess what they got now

versus what they did want

and they realized

it didn’t work out and then they’ll just

start to really love what they like

this social scientist did a really interesting

study between people who won the lottery

and then people who became

paraplegics

and he measured

their sort of happiness on a

broad sort of scale

a year later and

found that they were both in the same place

because the people in a

wheelchair had done such a good job

of embracing

their new reality

and that just means a lottery

winners are retards

that’s all that well yeah i’m

saying but it’s crazy

but you got no if you won the lottery dude you’d be way

happier than you’d be in if you were in a wheelchair

unless you’re an

idiot well but i’m just saying

human beings human

it’s more a comment on the people in the

wheelchair yeah who are able to come

what i was saying man when i was saying

that the people

aren’t exactly

aware of what’s

going on here’s the deal we live in a society

that was collected

over the course of hundreds of years of innovation

it’s created

off the work of millions of people that you’ve

never met and all

their combined

efforts and discoveries

have allowed

you to live this really simple and easy life

and that’s what we’re all doing

and we are all raising children

with the same

ignorance that we have

about what this is all

about in this country in this country in all countries

no one knows what the next

stage of this

existence is well i

think for example if you look at

india and you look at

china and especially

india india is

becoming a real hotbed of

innovation and

those kids work

they’re slaves

no they work

i call them when my dell computer

doesn’t work

but they’re

smart and a lot of that

innovation is coming out of india

i’m sure there is man

i’m sure it is what i’m saying what i’m getting at is

no one has earned this life that we live

right now no one that’s

alive has it’s a

collective effort

but as individuals

very few of us

are even putting into perspective

normal things like our own mortality

the mortality of

our very climate

the mortality of the

structure and the

shape of the continent i

think because

in a lot of ways we’re more comfortable

today than we ever have been plenty to eat

you can go away

from biology

you don’t worry about

these diseases you don’t even really have to worry

about war for the most part that’s new in our country

remember in

2011 if you take even 1985

half the world was

under communist

dictatorships

who had their missiles

pointed directly at our

major cities

that doesn’t

exist anymore there really is for all intents

and purposes

one superpower one military

superpower in the world

and russia is no longer a threat

think about that

we now have nato most of the

eastern european

countries that

were our enemies are actually part of nato now

who do you talk

about north

korea and iran

may be significant to an extent

but certainly nothing like the threat that the soviet

union was so i

think people you’re

right i think people for the most part

are a lot more

relaxed and

feeling a lot more secure

everything is better now people are

smarter now people are nicer now people are more

aware and informed now they’re more

aware of their own mental and

psychological problems we’re fatter now

bigger asses now the

question becomes

the question becomes what’s the amount like

how much discomfort do you have to

experience to be great

cause i think

greatness does come out

to a large extent out of

doesn’t come out of comfort and luxury i

think it doesn’t

seem like it

does but sometimes it can just come out of discipline

well they’re struggling that discipline

if you can be the type of person really

you know you don’t have to be

living a terrible life

that’s right good

stuff you know you

could be living a

great life as long as you’re disciplined and you really

tune yourself into it as you’re

right yeah you know but you were talking i thought

i had a thought you were talking about how

you know genetics suck and pretty soon you know we’re

gonna be able to kind of choose our genetics

but the question becomes

you know i think of myself what

would happen

well but the problem with that is that so much

i’m worried that we’d lose our

color cause so much of what i

do and what drives

me worried really

is it white

color no no

no no color like

color flavor flavor oh

nice recovery

not color i mean like our flavor our i think

because because because so much of what we do

so much of what i do what drives me

is that i’m compensating

for my inadequacies or my perceived inadequacies

that’s why i

worked out that’s why i did martial arts that’s why i

wrestle i felt like i was

sort of but it’s always from the

childhood wow the

place that a performer comes from yeah me too and

you know and everyone we know everyone we know that’s a

comic there’s always

but what i’m saying is in some ways god

bless a dysfunctional

childhood yeah

and no because you’re one of a hundred that didn’t

you know there’s a hundred like you that

smashed on the rocks on the way up to the top of the

cliff you managed to bite through vines with your

teeth and get to the top and you took a deep breath

and now you’re okay

but you didn’t have

to be okay and neither did i anyone with a fucked up

childhood like the idea of

encouraging a fucked up

child to create an interesting

child no no no

really i mean that’s really what you’re saying but the

trick of life

isn’t the trick of life

it isn’t the

trick of life to turn

to turn that

which is bad into something good yes it is the

trick but some people fail at that

trick and then we have criminals wandering through the

streets that are dangerous and emotionally different

human beings it’s very easy to destroy a

human being yes

it’s not hard at all man just

raise them terrible

you know i mean

it’s always like some feral

child in russia you hear

about raised by dogs you know like holy fuck

you just stop and think

about it like what the fuck

that kid’s been eating dead birds and shit well that’s

that’s the thing

about getting raised by dogs but like poodles

or something like that

that’s the thing about

that’s the thing

about what’s so weird

about contemplating like disaster like the one in japan

any disaster any

anything has a ripple effect

and and the

crazy thing is that

that sometimes

to one person’s loss is another person’s opportunity

it’s just that

dance that constantly goes back and forth and there’s

one side something terrible happens

and it opens up a whole new

world and opportunity for a

whole other

group of people

you know whether it’s

somebody opens a

i don’t know

a company that provides

quake relief

and now he’s employed 60 people who can feed

their kids whatever the case

right it’s just this constant dance man

and whenever you try to pinpoint

or treat life like it’s a noun

you’re you’re in

trouble and by the way your relationships are a verb

everything is a verb

yeah everything is always moving

everything is in flux

yeah you are too

you know everything

is the whole

thing is there’s nothing

static but that’s what everybody looks

for that’s the problem with the contract everybody

looks for that

golden years

they look for that moment

where they can stop

no man i think that

i think if you keep growing

and you keep yourself

so you keep surprising and

shocking yourself and

maybe even scaring yourself

which is hard to do but you if you

sound like an actress

right now to

sing a song to

my song you

sound like some new

chick the next

blockbuster

no way the fuck out

of me i am beautiful

the worst earthquake

you know everyone’s talking

about what gilbert gottfried said

no one is no one said dumber shit than what sharon

stone said well

after the chinese earthquake

you remember that

she said maybe you know

i’m friends with the dalai lama

you know maybe this

earthquake in

china is karma because they’re of the terrible

things they’ve done for tibet

wow i remember that what like

you think innocent people thousands of them

thanks a lot sharon

you’re an act

crushed by rocks

all that you know and she’s a name

dropping little twat

i’m friends with the dalai

lama i’m sure

i’m sure he

thinks about you all the time

i’m sure when

he’s doing his montras he’s like sharon

stone sharon stone

you know sharon

you know the girl who

basic instincts

actresses etc

no excuse me you mean the girl from

above the law the

steven seagal

debut movie all actors including me look

the fact that we worship actors is the funniest

thing in the way if an

alien came down they’d be like wait a

minute you’re worshipping

these people who are

basically good at being emotionally available

and pretending

is that really something that it’s a skill

it tells a good

story what’s more

impressive that or golf golf golf

golf takes a lifetime

yeah but i like

movies and tiger woods probably can’t act fuck golf

i don’t know man because

i think both are equally ridiculous

i’ve always said that it’s one of the funniest

things in the

world that people

think that a guy’s a hero

because he hits a ball into a hole in the ground yeah

but you know what i like

about golf it seems so silly but

i like about any

competition like golf or any game

is that it requires

when you want to win at that game it requires you to

basically do all that

self examination

you gotta face up to all your obstacles

you gotta deal with your performance

anxiety you know how it is to try to get better you

see minors to

choke that’s the

point of competition i probably

would love golf that’s why i’m terrified of it

but i play cool

you know dude

don’t ever pick up a golf

don’t ever take

gulf i’m not going to

i know how you

won never say

never i’m not

going to i won’t play

chess either

for the same reason but

for those of you guys

who don’t know this

about joe rogan

i always said most of the public actually

knows very little about joe

for example

he can draw really well he’s

a notch below pro pool

player he is he is

he knows more

about pool and

he’s actually a really good

draftsman you can draw like really really well

that’s what i wanted to do when i was in high school

before i got into martial arts

i mean but what was

your comic book you’re a

great marsh

you’re a real martial

artist you’d be a nightmare to fight

you can draw really well

and you um i’m

short balding

you’re short balding you hum

like a donkey

my asshole’s

never clean are you not wearing pants

i was that dirt

underneath my fingers

but wait there was a

point i was making and i’m too high to remember damn it

pool playing games oh yes

but the problem is

that you’re so intense that once you pick something up

it’s like that game

quake when you played for 50s

and passed out

as you were leaving your

he drags me to

store and he’s getting these

handles and

he’s like 30

he’s getting

his handles and all these like

weird things

it’s and i was like what are you doing what’s all

these what are

these grips and

stuff he goes

it’s for quake i’m playing somebody in sweden tomorrow

i will crush him

i was like whatever with a thousand yard stare dude

you play connect to

you you have no idea how

we’ve talked

about this in the podcast way too many times but

quake is too fun

quake is even more involving than pool

i won’t allow myself

to those games because i’m

yeah they’re too good now like years of war like we

cliffy b put up epic games put up the

unreal 3 engine

the new engine

they put up a demo

fucking hey

man it just

doesn’t it looks real it looks like a fucking

movie man it’s so

i do this joke now about

about how we’re

fighting wars now like that you know like what yeah

and stuff guys in nevada and florida think

about that you’re killing

75 000 miles away but it’s a

video game and you’re actually taking life

you wonder what that does to you psychologically

when you come home and you’re eating dinner but

my joke was like in 20 years the war hero is not

gonna be the grizzled

guy with the shaved head and the scars he’s

gonna be the chubby dude with huge

thumb muscles

who smells like doritos weed

you know what i mean

well that was the

movie starfighter remember

the movie where the kid had to get really good at a

video game and

when he got good at it they came down and took him to

fight in the galaxy that’s what it’s

gonna be well

these pakistan drone

things are fucking frightening because it’s such a

great area too it’s like we’re not really in pakistan

we are in the sky

above pakistan

but there’s no one in the plane

and and you don’t hear it yeah

when i was in afghanistan i

watch those things

taken off all the time i was like look at that thing

it’s it’s not even

it’s not even

manned it just takes off dude hell fire missiles

that’s all you need to know

what are you doing bro see this

cliffvb’s epic games

infinity blade video game

they go through

they go through like that hellfire missile i

think i believe somebody told me

can go through like a foot of

steel or something

like a foot of

steel the idea behind it is so

crazy that you can just

pilot something from halfway across the

world in real time

trust it to just

you pull the

trigger it’s only the beginning how much of a

delay is the lag there has to be some lag

well i don’t know you can actually

watch that on the internet because

that’s a big thing

about playing online when you play online it’s all

about your ping

and if you have like

one ping or two ping like you’re in the server you’re

local to the

server anymore though ping isn’t internet

like so fast no

it makes a big

difference ping is in

milliseconds it

absolutely matters

i mean it’s the

guy with a higher ping than you can

still beat you

but you definitely have an advantage when you’re local

like say if

this is like say if we set up a server in my

house right

and i set up

a server and i’m here connected to the machine

but other people have

to connect and get the information through the internet

so they’re paying say if they’re down the

block at the lowest they’re

gonna get is

maybe a 10 this is back in the day i don’t know if it’s

changed you

get like 10 ping if you’re lucky

but that’s because you’re here

but if you’re in sweden

or somewhere like that

no doubt about it you’re

gonna have a

slight delay it

might be 150

milliseconds

might be 200

milliseconds

it won’t be a full second

that’s unbearable you can’t do that

250 milliseconds is

where it gets squirrely

like you can’t really what’s

weird about this is a

human reaction

can get to the

point where you can’t

like you can barely measure it like when they do

sprinting you know how the olympics you

know when they

shoot the gun they

shoot a gun

but that’s for effect

they actually if you’re running the 100 like usain bolt

and you’re in a race

they have that

they shoot that

sound off behind you why

because it’s got to

reach all the guys at the same time you shoot

it like this the guy at the end is the last to hear

about it and they’re so fast off the

blocks that

the other guys

already already

gonna win the race

you didn’t hear it in time so they

found that when they shot back in the day they’d be

shooting it here

the guy closest to gun

would always have this advantage

and so now and even when they send that

sound off now behind these guys

the problem is the

sound dissipates to here

so it starts you know

you gotta have it you

gotta have it have it originate somewhere

how do you get it to all of them at the

exact same second

cause they’re so fast off the blocks

you’re actually giving the guy

who hears it first

an advantage

and they win

it’s like it’s like the guy

and check this out

you know the difference between

fourth place and

first place in the downhill ski event was

in in you know

whatever it was

it was two blinks of an eye

can’t can’t

is it ready

gold gold gold

nothing gold

nothing whoa

nothing that’s fucking nuts that’s why

swimmers trim

their fingernails

that’s why i mean don’t don’t

they try to keep

their fingernails long

why the act is like little paddles no so that you can

touch because it’s you’re dealing with hundreds of a

second what

yeah they grow

pimp nails you

try to it’s all computerized the minute you

touch that the

minute you touch

that so if you were

built like kusamar palhara as you’d be a terrible

swimmer because you

wouldn’t be

able to have that big reach

those guys are albatrosses

my green nails

that’s fucking fast so that’s how fast

human being

okay let me ask you this

how many of

those guys do you

think are doping

how many of

those guys in

olympic competition i don’t

think it’s possible to compete in a lot of

olympic sports without doping and without doing drugs

yeah like cycling

there’s no way why do you

think all of them why do you

think all of them get caught all of them

the biggest it’s the biggest joe i mean you know but

but but they’re

going after

lance armstrong bro i’m sure

they’re going

after him this is

which is weird

it’s like they get him online

which is a very strange thing

it’s like wait a

minute if you’re

gonna put people in jail for lying

how about most of the government

you know you can’t

stand a lie nobody ever

went to jail

for taking steroids but people have gone to jail for

lying to the government

about listen if they take him

his money away or if they take you know say that you

know you did some

stuff that was

against the rules and you know you

should be fined and we can prove that

that’s one thing

but they’re

going after him to lock him up man

they’re going

after him to set an example and lock him up for

something that everyone’s doing everyone is doing it

especially in

cycling but remember he

wouldn’t be arrested for doing steroids they

wouldn’t lock him up for that they

would lock him up for committing perjury

yeah it’s a big difference

weird right that’s how they got al capone

that’s how they get

everything right

or no they got

him attached that’s what

the case against

barry bonds is

the case is you perched yourself on the

stand right how

weird is that like

you have to tell us the truth

and if you don’t it’s a

crime well you don’t know

you have the

right to take the fifth

right but you can

say nothing which is

one of the great

things about

our system you can actually

you can choose

to not incriminate yourself

i refuse to

speak cause i don’t

wanna incriminate myself and that’s

right but don’t they lock people up when they do that

you can be locked up if you are

given i believe now i’m not a

legal scholarship

i mean i’d be doing that all the time what

i believe you can be locked up is if you have evidence

and the government

subpoenas that evidence

and you refuse to speak

if you say i’m not telling on my friend

you can go to jail for that

they can put you in jail for that

and they have

they put a journalist in jail

because she

wouldn’t divulge

her sources

and i believe that was in the valerie

claim case yeah that’s creepy

shit she said i’m not

gonna divulge

who told me

that this person was a cia operative or whatever

and she went to jail and then

scooter libby

i’m not sure if i’m getting all my facts right but

scooter libby

it turns out was

pardoned by the president

later on but convicted of

telling divulging

an agent a us

agent’s identity to

a non authorized person

which is a crime in this country it’s so

bizarre how many different people we have all over the

world that are in military bases and you know

that are government operatives of the united

states that we have

positioned all over the

world to kind of keep an eye on

everything we always have

and it comes from the cold war and it’s a dangerous

place but the real

issue becomes what is

the us strength has always been

not that its

power comes from the barrel of a gun

the us has always been

it’s influence

innovation but mostly it’s a beacon of hope

where you can come here

and if you got the

stuff and you got the

medal you might just be a millionaire

that is something that resonates throughout the entire

world and always has

i wanted to ask you this because you’ve got some

experience in the middle east

what do you

think is happening

with all these different

places with

saudi arabia

with egypt i

think it’s a

beautiful thing and it’s a

human thing and i’ll tell you what i

think mostly most of all

i think that you

heard a lot of

analysts and professionals and people who follow this

stuff and people who are so called

experts and i used

to always hear something they used to always say this

democracies not

synonymous with

islam you’d hear that all the time

and i think what this

proves is that democracy and

let me define democracy

the desire for

representative government let’s just take that

the life liberty and the pursuit of happiness

just let me pursue whatever it is

those kinds of

things being able to

speak my mind being able

to petition my government being able to say something

against my government

being able to all the

things i take granted

those are human

rights and they

are not american

rights they are

human rights

and this proves that you can say whatever you want

about islam or anything else or any

other religion

human beings want a better life for

their children

human beings

would choose to have

represented government over a

dictatorship like jose

mubarak or a

dictatorship like

the royal family

essentially is in

saudi arabia

don’t tell me any

human being wants to live that way

and i find it very inspiring that one man in tunisia

lit himself on fire you want to talk

about a ripple

effect lit himself on fire because they took away his

license i believe he was selling fruit

and he said enough is enough

he was so desperate

and he said i’m

going to make an example this is my protest

you want to take

everything from me

i’ll light myself on fire

and i don’t

think that’s a good move but that was a

spark that called that

said we don’t have to be

afraid anymore

we don’t have

to be we don’t have to cringe and saying that in

these governments

like egypt in both

places where they have

where the military and

secret police come in

and do some pretty

awful things to you

that takes real guts so i

think it’s a real

i think this is

an incredible time in the sense that

the middle east is

changing it really is

changing and

it really is the internet nation of

course it is you can’t

keep information

away from people you can fool the people sometimes

you can fool all

the people sometimes you can be some of the people some

all the time

you can’t fool all the people all the time except

north korea

who said that i believe that was abe lincoln

right did he say that

who knows what the fuck abe really said

you know abe

lincoln was a racist

he was trying to encourage

black people to move to

south america because they

wouldn’t get

along with white people

it’s actually more complicated than that but i think

it’s more complicated than that of course he is

so he slept with dudes too hey

slept with dudes they slept in bed together stay warm

wow it’s no big deal

you gotta do what you gotta do man you live in

a fucking prairie

for res anders days

out somebody’s cock flies out of a speedo then you’re

gonna call me gay wasn’t abe lincoln a wrestler

he was very

strong he was

about six four and he was very very

strong they said he used to be able to hold an

axe like a one of

those big wood chopping axe

out for like longer than anybody else

with his arms straight like that he was a real wiry

strong dude

hold an axe

straight with his arm what a

weird competition that well that back

in the day they did all this

hopscotch hard they

did all those

weird things

right like you know

let’s see a whole

hind quarter of a mule up

above your head you know

there had to be a

first guy back then to try to

wrestle a bear too

i always think

about that stuff

who wrote a bull

who said i’m

gonna hey you know what

throw a testicle cinch on that bull i’m

gonna get up on him and see how long it

takes what country does that originate

in is that an american

tradition i believe that well i probably started in

spain they were like

knocking like a

rider i’m just

gonna kill it with a sword

it’s pretty badass

yeah you know what bothers me

about that though man there’s a

bunch of other dudes helping out well

because you know the madeira

bull i think it’s called the madeira

bull hemingway

wrote a book called

death in the afternoon

and he kind of

brings you through

what a fighting bull is about

you’re not allowed in spain

and some of you guys are listening to this

just check this out you’re not allowed in spain

to approach a

fighting bull on foot

you must approach it on a bicycle

motorcycle or car you know why

why because bulls figure out the way you move

and if they

watch you walking

around all the time and running around

when you put them

in the ring

with the matador

that matador

doesn’t have a chance

cause they figured you out

the first time a bull ever sees a

human being on two feet

by law in spain

is when he’s

put out there in

front of that matador

and by the way

by the way they

gotta rub his eyes with pepper to keep him a little bit

blind they gotta

the piccadil

has come in there

and stab him in the back so he can’t lift his head

so he’s got

these spears and

it’s pretty brutal

they gotta disable that bull before a

human being has any shot

any shot of

fighting it

and they still die

they still die when they say when you’re at matador in

spain that’s who you are forget girls forget

music forget

everything else

your life is

about the bull

fuck is there a lot of

money in being a manador

um there’s a

there’s huge glory and

money and you’re you’re a national hero if you’re good

and and by the way it’s probably like the ufc you

start with like you know guys are

fighting yeah

kind of with

blunt horns and then

all the way up to the big show

but but um but

you know when they used to pit bulls with bears

guess she used to always win

oh i would say the ball yeah i

would say every time they’re so

strong man this is

strong you guys

have you ever

touched one you ever been on one or

anything yeah if you’re

ridden a ball no but i’ve touched it i’ve been to

saddle ranch

same thing sort of

totally same thing

when we were doing fear facts

we made people ride poles one day it was the scariest

it’s ever been

any any day of filming this is one day

where i felt like we

crossed the line

i was like what are you doing

those are dangerous

yeah they are not they’re like

they’re bulls they were this was the

their argument these are

training bulls they’re not as aggressive

what does that bull know he’s a fucking

training ball

i didn’t know you were a bull

mind reader

where’s the

where’s the bull

whisper is he around

i love when people

think they know what an animal is i love

when they like

no strand this

tiger won’t bite you well you were talking

about it to me in the

kitchen we’re talking

about that grizzly

trained bear that tore the

i think is just

trainers brother cousin or something

and it killed him in a couple of

seconds it was horrible

which is so

weird because

that’s a 1500 pound bear

grabbed the hold of an

end for no reason and

shot them lazy in a lazy

way and the poor guy

i guess he’s pretty aggressive

yeah obviously

the guy must have

i don’t know

what it represented to the bear but

it represented some sort of a threat

well apparently

though he was doing what he was supposed to do and i

guess the guy didn’t have his arms up or something and

the bear ended up

grabbing onto

his neck and his instinct took over and he

said oh i’m gonna

shake you to death

which is tears you’re supposed to have your arms up

i don’t know i don’t

the bears gotta

stick em up

pose my bear

wrestling and i’m a white belt

still i’m still

so what do you

think the fuck is

going on with all these mass

deaths there’s

a million fish die in

the redondo

beach harbor

all these animals that have dying

birds that are falling from the sky

i think it’s

i don’t know but i would

imagine we have a very polluted

environment and probably is a combination of all

those chemicals

in the environment

and chemicals are being made

we’re very good at coming up with synthetic

material and

synthetic chemicals and

what we’re probably not as good at and what the fda

could never do

is figure out how all

these chemicals when put together

interact or how they

what they do

to mitoplasma and i like

using big words but like what they do to our bodies

on prolonged

you know when we

drink them when

we’re around them all the time look at your house

all these new products that come out that have huge

advertising campaigns they’re probably very safe

on their own

what happens

when you mix six of them in the perfect combination

what is that doing to your genetics

what’s wi fi doing to you yeah who knows what the fuck

that’s doing i

think we’re always

we know that

sonar gets in the way of

whales migratory

fucks whales out

right yeah so so

it’s always this constant

dance of how you know in

china now what they’re doing i

think is really

interesting is a lot of the architects when they plan

these cities

they’re building

gardens on the roofs so you can

plant food and grow your own food on the roof of your

building you know china is

self sustainable

there’s a billion people there

they don’t import food

they make their own food

which is again very

which is a very recent development for

china it’s pretty amazing

do that with a billion people

but when you do that you

gotta eat bugs

well we’re getting

better but we’re getting better and better

at figuring out ways to grow

plants for example that don’t need pesticides

that are much higher in protein and different nutrients

sure but then you’re getting

weird because

things are genetically modified

and monsanto owns ours

you know monsanto is

scary as fuck

it’s a thing when you say it’s fine if you want to

cross pollinate

to wheat the

strains but when you take

the gene from a

jellyfish put it in a

strawberry so that my

strawberry doesn’t freeze when i’m

shipping it across the country

that’s a little

weird man or

when you’re you know

when all of a sudden

my oranges are square because it’s easier to pack

them well have you seen all the wikileaks documents

leading to genetically modified

food so they’re trying to push it all across the world

they’re trying to push

in the countries and

they’re putting imposing sanctions on

countries well what they

do also what

you can if you plant one

field over here it’s genetically modified and

it flies in the air

yeah and then they sue

those people and

those people have to either

close up their farm or

it becomes a fucking disaster

i think i think you know i’m a

capitalist and all that but

i think that

we are paying we have to be very careful with how

everything is

becoming these conglomerates and how

things are becoming

so corporate

look at radio

every time i

travel this country you and i both

travel this country

everything is so homogenous

we’ve paid a price

you people want

efficiency but why in the

world when i go to most cities can i only eat at a

corporate chain

is there a why

i’m surrounded by

i was gonna say

clear channel

i’m surrounded by

beige walls whether it’s kmart

there’s no continuum there’s no like history

nobody feels connected to anything

everything around me

is everybody’s trying to sell me something i don’t need

and it robs

every city of its character

it’s like the

death of the american city

what happened to main

street with the mom and pop shops i want that

go to ohio in

porto there

but these cities used to all have it

and i understand that you have to go to

small places to get that

you’re dealing with

large volume of people

small places like that becoming

it’s an offshoot of globalism

and it was a

price we had to pay we’ll probably

swing back but

we pay a price

for what do you

think what do you

think about all

these people that believe that you know and if you read

almost every ancient religion has some

story of a great

apocalypse or a

great catastrophe and

almost every religion has some

story about a previous

existing society that was advanced

and that was almost

wiped off to face the earth

you know when you hear shit

about all these animals

dying and fish dying this

sounds like religious scripture

how fucking

crazy would it be

if we all really have been all through this before if

human beings

have literally gotten to the

point of where we are now

like this sophisticated

if we died off

today how much of this shit

would be around

in 10 000 years or so how much

would we be able to find and recognize

anything that isn’t

steel i think

it’s a great question

i do think that

what the answer

may lie in somewhere in the area if i were

to answer that questions what i don’t know but i think

that there is a

human beings

are still faced with the same problems as

human beings so whether or not

i was living 3 000 years ago

the big questions

that one has to

wrestle with

that answer the question of what am i doing here

who am i really

what am i supposed to do

what does this all mean

those are questions you can

never run from and so

within that context i think we’d

still be trying to answer

those questions we’d

still be trying to go beyond our biology

we’d still be trying to get more pleasure out of

than pain we’d still be

trying to figure out how to keep our children alive

with better food better

health care

and but we’d be competing with resources and we’d

still have wars

so i think in a way it makes

sense that we keep repeating ourselves this is the

human experience but what i’m saying is do you

think that it’s ever gotten to this

point before when you look at some of the

structures that

exist that that are unexplained

that are many many thousands of years old

especially like the pyramids and

yeah you go i mean

unexplained in the

fact that they’re not exactly sure how they put that

all together there’s a lot of theories and there’s also

old dynasty and new dynasty

and there’s old

kingdom and new kingdom there’s a lot of

structures that they believe are far far

older than the traditional

we thought like the

pyramid of giza or

the great pyramid of any

well i think what separates

human beings from

animals as far as i know is that we have imagination

and that we seem to be always moving toward

the limits of our imagination

but what freaks me out is there’s a

bunch of shit that they can’t figure out

how it all got done

and one of them is dogs

do you know dogs are a

great mystery you know

when you look into the dna of

dogs it turns out that all of them descend from wolves

they thought it was

gonna be a bunch of different wild

candids and you know different and they’re all

from all from fucking

wolves actually domesticated

wolves so and

we don’t know how the fuck that was done

thousands and

thousands of

years ago we do know that people have always bred

their animals

whether they’re

horses or whatever sure even farm animals to eat

so long ago

it goes back so far

that it literally predates society

and that’s why it’s squirrely

because you’re talking

about 10 000

15 000 maybe even deeper and deeper into

the history

of breeding dogs

yeah and i think the answer

maybe also is the fact that

this world is way more

much older than ours we are probably much older

human beings are

probably much

history is one

thing but real

human history is another and

and you also wonder

evolution i always

think about that

what’s interesting to me is

if indeed you know

there’s a lot of sense that

we evolve from apes

or chimps or whatever it

might be it’s

you know people say well

we kind of seem to have stopped

evolving physically then if that’s the case didn’t we

no we moved in a different direction look the

doubling of the

human brain size is the giant

the biggest

mystery in the entire fossil record and that’s what

changed us from

this you know

beetle eating fucking

freak monkey

to human beings and

whatever the fuck

caused it why is

that i wonder why

mckenna believes it was mushrooms

you know some people believe it was the

throwing arms some people believe it was fish

that we started eating

but that doesn’t make

sense to me because bears are

stupid as fuck

and they eat a lot of but it goes beyond that

i’m saying why you know chimps have always been chimps

right human beings have continued to evolve

just at least an hour or so

in that we do really amazing

things you know i joke around

about people being from

monkeys and chimps but the real lineage is there’s a

bunch of different primates that evolved

next to each

other for some reason

we evolved in

a far more sophisticated way than all the rest of them

in the sense that we’re always trying to go beyond that

which we can

measure and we’re always contemplating what

that would be

how would you ever measure for example

the fact that a great

i don’t know mozart or baccanada

makes some people

feel profoundly sad and overjoyed at the same time

why do we even have that

stuff yeah it

sounds good to our ears

but think about the

genius of great jazz like

louis armstrong hey jazz

like why in the

world would that

guy apologize

i’m just saying

i’m just saying i’m using

it as an art form like

why in the world

would we come up with these

brass horns and

plants all those

things that

are sort of what we stay alive for

it’s interesting it’s like

what are we supposed to be doing with that

what are we supposed to be doing with the fact that

most religions all religions talk about

well love each

other that’s the most important

thing love each

other and then by the way

what do you

do with that relationship what do you try to make the

world better

what do you do when you come together

as social animals why

and what is the

point of that that’s

the big question that we’re always dealing with that i

think it seems that there’s no point

it seems that the

point is to

enjoy it and to be nice to people that seems to be the

point the idea if you’re temporary you’re a

temporary being and all your descendants are temporary

beings we just

evolving in a tide of ever

changing temporary beings

then the only

point is just be nice but then why

but then we just be then i

guess be nice have fun

write it out let’s see what’s next

is there a group

of people that were

affected by in a positive

way do you think there’s anything to be said

about bob going beyond that in the

sense that are we supposed to evolve and continue to

understand more and more

until we until our

lives were so

short it’s like it’s the same

thing we talked

about before but the

human experience

what i’m saying is we keep jumping on each other’s

shoulders what

i’m saying right yeah

sure so you know even newton said that he said i’ve

stood on the shoulder

giants you guys all talk

about me being

i invented calculus

not bad isaac

who said by the way as big as a compliment

was lifelong celibacy

not not calculus

he was like my biggest compliment

wasn’t that i invented you know the

concept of gravity and spatial relationships it’s

a that i was

celibate my

whole life that’s

pretty cool

yeah i was like really

yeah if one

chick sucked his dick

would have ruined

everything right right

you have to be

the father of modern

physics you know

modern science but he said

that’s why i hate

math so much

we all stand on each

other’s shoulders it seems that we are

evolving in our

understanding of more and more of how even animals

think and of course

yeah we’re certainly

evolving so

there must be a

point to this

evolution i hope i always have said that i

think that we’re probably

becoming something through

technology and that

human beings are probably just

like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly but just

doesn’t know what it’s doing

while it’s doing it

all our natural instincts towards materialism and

greed and selfishness and you know

all these monkey instincts

that we have left over perhaps working in a natural

order to move us

towards this

ultimate goal

of some sort of

technology coming

along with all the

technology we’re making

for example yeah i mean that’s

what kurtzwell believes he believes that you know it’s

gonna be some sort of an artificial

technology and artificial intelligence

that we can download our consciousness into

and that you will

exist forever in perpetrude in this

artificial environment

how does yeah

there you go that’s a

classic what

does that mean

it’s the matrix i mean

you’re talking craziness not only that you’re talking

about if you can duplicate your consciousness you

could duplicate it in an infinite amount of times

and it will

exist not here in this physical

space but it will

exist in some sort of

cyber world

where you will constantly be in

a replaying life

not only that

an infinite number of

them and not

only that we will

ultimately and

truly be connected

and our experience will be

everybody else’s

experience we are now

it’s in a weird way and i

think the reason why it’s set up in a

weird way is to encourage competition

you know the thing that

bugs people the most

is losing you know the thing

losing anything losing a person

losing you know

losing your job losing losing losing in a

fight losing in a game

frustrating for us

we’re designed for competition some people so much so

that you beat them at pool and they get mad at you you

ever been around that guy

you beat him at pool

but see i like to

ask the next

question though like

defining that really actually i

think in some ways

isn’t just losing your power

in a way losing is to be left alone

in a way to be sure

you’re not special

you’re not special

and people leave you they

leave you yeah

and so i think that’s

ultimately why

people hate losing so much it’s that memory of feeling

alone it’s that but there’s also a

strong desire

for competition amongst most people how many

comics do you know that when

they see someone

else get something something big they actually get

upset that’s right

but it’s not happening to them

you’re the only

successful comic

i’ve ever heard

comics not talk bad

about that’s

ridiculous people have talked bad

about me lots of people not really not comics

go talk to mark baron

no no no you don’t hear

comics say bad things

about you i’ve

never and i’m

the point i’m making is that you’re

right i mean for the most part i’m saying that you’re

right people

when somebody actually

does well if it’s a

comic they get

a lot of times

yeah a lot of

times different deserved sometimes well

especially when you’re

young and scrappy

and you’re all coming up in the same

order you know like you’re all like 22 23 and one of

these 22 year old guys gets

some radio show

where he’s the morning dj guy like oh fuck

you know he’s a morning dj

guide ktla now or whatever you know what i mean

like and then all of a

sudden you like dudes feel like that

could have been them

you know and then what they have to

understand also by the way is that

this is not a linear

process right

this world is made of a

whole bunch of non linear luck

and mathematics

well you say that because you’re

a very experienced guy and you’ve gone through so many

things and so many different projects

i mean you’ve gone through the tour de

force of television

you did a sketch show in mad tv you’ve done

family shows on

those warner brothers networks right

you’ve done fucking

everything you did sex in the city

you know you’ve done

yeah you’ve done so many different things

really had a

broad like view

of the whole

entertainment

scene that a lot

of people just don’t get yeah they don’t get that full

frame so when you’re

young especially

like all you know is i wanna

fucking make it i

gotta make it i

gotta pay my bills

fucking freaking out

shit he got it

fuck why didn’t he i remember

that by the way i remember being terrified i wasn’t

gonna make it i remember

thinking that’s not an option for me

yeah like it wasn’t an option

not to be working

well all of us i

think anybody who actually became a

comic you had

to deal with the fact that man if i put my eggs in this

basket this shit might

turn out terrible

right i might just live in rotten

eggs that’s

terrifying it’s terrifying

it’s completely terrifying

but my point is that

in show business

the whole idea of

pursuing it and

going after it

it is absolutely of course uncertain

like it has to be uncertain

it’s uncertain

because that’s the only

where like real

creative that’s

where adventure and

creativity comes from something blossoms out of that

uncertain if you knew it was

gonna happen

and you had it all plotted out

would be boring as fuck when you got

that that’s boring for you and it’s boring for them you

would have to do drugs you’d have to

start doing coke i

think that’s why people

like when they take a gig for the

money for example like

they go well you’re

gonna give me 7 million to do

a talk show a game show

they really you pay a

price for that yes

you gotta keep the

uncertainty dude i paid a

price for fear factor for sure

i love doing that show and it was a lot of fun and i

loved making all that

money and i’m

happy i did it

but man there

was a lot of days that i didn’t want to do that

and i thought you

know this is hokey or this is

silly or this is like god this is like

it became a job

there’s nothing

wrong with that

you know that’s

why i always

say don’t make fun of whores

we’re all whores in some

ways we’ve all whored before is what i’m saying sure

but my whole

point about it

whole competition thing

about it’s like i

think that all

it’s all set up that

way on purpose and then like showbiz competition and

stand up comedy

competition even martial arts competition

like these guys when they start

trash talking each

other on the internet

you know how i look at it when i look at like two

fighters are

about to trash talk each other

i look at it like birds that are squawking

at each other

like one birds is on the fence

and then the

other bird like fucking flops its wings and gets

close to it

it’s like this natural

thing that they’re doing like they have to do this

to in order to

motivate them to be great

in order to push them all to the next level

you have to feel the

jealousy well what

about floyd

patterson who

said you know i always wondered who ali was talking

talking to and he said i’m the

greatest and

then i realized one day he was talking to himself wow

yeah he said

to me because you know i’m scared to

death every time i step in that ring

but i get myself worked up

and by the time i’m in there

i believe what i’m saying to myself it’s the saddest

thing in the

world that muhammad ali is the way he is now

great out and that you know it’s parkinson’s and he has

trauma related parkinson’s what’s amazing also is he

doesn’t hide it from the

world to get the guy holds the

torch the olympics he just gets up in

front of everybody here’s me you know

it’s weird listening to mike tyson talk

these days have you

heard mike tyson talk

he’s got a reality show now yeah

he got interviewed what’s his reality show on

on pigeons when he got interviewed at

this there was a showtime

boxing match recently no yeah

the pay per view

match between

miguel kodo and

we caught him

iorga and it was a good fight

and they interviewed tyson

kodo did he stopped him in the last round

and they they talked to tyson

about it and

tyson like you know it was like he was

laboring to talk

you know and i was listening to it i was like wow

maybe he’s just

tired and maybe they caught yeah you

might have been high as fuck

that’s true

cause when they catch me i

might look like i have

brain damage

especially if i’m at a fight

you know what i don’t have to do commentary god i love

going to fights when i don’t have to do commentary

cause these guys

whenever we go to the ufc

brian and ari and joey

these guys take pot cookies and get blitzkrieged

so they’re sitting up

last time was acid

so they’re sitting up in the in the

stands having the fucking time i

gotta come with

joey diaz does the commentary

right joey diaz is like in the middle of fights

he’ll start just

rants and raves

about this happening that happened

so get your

pineapples bj pen

so especially if somebody gets

knocked out or somebody

gets submitted i don’t what the fuck did i tell you dog

he’ll get up and go

but i don’t get to see that anymore i do you know

but when did you

you know when did you

really truly feel comfortable calling a

fight in the ufc

when did it really

start to jail because it just comes out of you now

you know the

first couple times i was

self conscious

about it you know it’s

weird you trying to

a good job but you don’t want to be there’s

a lot of ego

involved in commentary that’s very unpleasant

like you hear people talking too much

about themselves or you take yourself completely

out of what they

would do well i have to

first of all i’m completely

illegitimate

i mean i’m a

brown belt in jiu jitsu

and i fought in some taekwondo and some kickboxing but

i’ve never fought any mma

fights at all so

what am i gonna say i

could do better than this no

i mean it’s just silly i’m

completely objective

about it but

it took a while for me

to be comfortable with like how i should

you know what i

should talk

about what i shouldn’t talk

about and when to talk when not to talk and

you know how to how to like

be as respectful as possible but yet be as objective

and analytical as possible

about what’s happening

you know so

you have to

walk a fine line between critiquing

fighters and criticizing them or

obsessing patterns

that you see in movement and critiquing behavior

and training

regiments and shit like that

so it’s tricky it’s

tricky but i always do it from a

place of respect

and i always do it from a place of

as objective as i’m capable

yeah you’re very good at doing it it’s fun to do i

think goldie

is a poet that dude

it’s just amazing well

what a lot of

people don’t know is like they’ll say goldie phil

you gotta fill here

gotta fill here they’ll say they say that they’re

here headsets

so goldie will

start just going off about

this fucking

arena that we’re in that was

built in 18 fucking 12

and he’s off the top

of his head

and he just does it

perfectly you know

i never heard

a guy 18 12 yeah

he might have

stumbled once in the thousand

fights that we it’s like he wrote

those lines out and they’re just perfect sometimes he

doesn’t say

the correct

thing when it comes to like the technique or something

like that but that’s okay because i can correct him and

he’s just trying to get

things going

like he’s just trying to

you know who

is by the way i don’t know if you’ve ever seen

you know who’s the best improviser

i’ve ever seen in my life and a guy who can take a

topic and do

30 minutes of

stand up on it and do whatever it

is adam corolla

oh yeah i don’t he’s

a ramble pro that’s why he’s so good as a pacha

a podcast host

that guy you give him a subject

here’s the thing okay

i’m all for you having your coffee

and he’ll just like have

some fucking

20 minute rant

about what’s

wrong with like

you know he did something

about twist ties

about twist

ties like well it

was like twist

ties like how

strong are these

things and they

should be you

like they should cover up

those soldiers in iraq with twist

ties that’s what i mean he just he’s amazing at coming

up with just like free form and like entire jokes

i said when we got off i go

i go we did a

movie together

and i go we’re on set and i go

you know what

i said i’ve decided your

your you might be the best in the world

at what you do

and he goes what do you mean

i said i think you’re the best improviser and

the best guy i’ve ever seen at improv

the way you do your improv i’ve

never i think you’re the best in the

world he goes

i don’t know i go

somebody’s got to be the best

so you’re getting the

trophy i’m getting to you

so he goes like this he goes

so apparently has a podcast and they say

you know i know i like that guy brian cow

that’s a good guy

he told me i

might be the best improviser in the

world and i thought you know why not so i

got home and i looked at my wife and i was like hey how

come i don’t

smell any pot

roast why is my dick in your

mouth for christ’s sake i’m the best guy in the

world at improv

he’s like recognize

honey brian

callan said it so it’s true

yeah he’s a guy who’s really found

success with this

whole podcast format

he’s also a

great guy yeah he’s a

great guy he’s a good guy he’s an interesting

dude he’s really into cars man he’s got the dopest

garage man is he

very good box you ever box with him

no but i’ve

heard guys who

fight like guys

he’s actually a ringer you’ll get in a ring and

really yeah it was a real i believe it he’s good at

everything he’s a

great carpenter

he like fucking

remodels his

house and shit

builds additions on

his own he’s a real american

he is a real

american brad

for before he went

crazy and and

and this guy

might be my friend adam

corolla has the dopest

garage man he’s got like one of

those garages

yeah but mine was

built for a tv show you gotta pee

but adam corolla’s garage is like

he’s got like a fucking ferrari there like a

classic bmw m3

he’s got a mustang back there he’s got a

lamborghini back there i

think he’s kind

of like you

know like a

classic lamborghini

he was just like

really fucking into like machines and cars and shit

what’s going on with

kevin smith what’s this talk on top of i don’t know

he said he wanted

to get together and do a podcast and he said we should

smoke pot and talk

about news radio i’m like fuck yeah i’d love to i’m in

so i messaged him but

when you get and here’s the

thing with people say how come you

never message back who want you

never message me back

i’m not on twitter all day i

tried to go on

and and post

things when i have time and

but a lot of times i’m fucking busy

and when you have like i

think now i’m up to two hundred and

eighty three thousand

bitch shh what am i

look just because you don’t have that many

excuse me 283

982 so almost 284 000

there’s no way i can keep up with the replies

if you don’t look at it for an hour

there’s 1700 replies

and so what do you do do you read them all

i can’t i don’t have the time someone just

give me some of

those people

listen bitch

you gotta earn them that

would be cool

if you could listen the shit my dad says he’s not he

doesn’t have a podcast

how’s that guy

get so famous

wouldn’t it be cool though if you

could give him like

i’ll give you 50 000 people on twitter

yeah and then i’ll also need to be getting your

goofy ass dude i got

traded i hate cats what’s

wrong with this guy

this new ipad by the way fucking awesome

i think you’ll use it more

why are they using

more camera

camera the camera shit is so badass

just fucking sitting there doing facetimes

and shit like that or

he is a thirteen year old girl

i know a little girl

looking at my face

you could we could

transplant your

brain into a thirteen year old

lesbian body so easily

it’s hot the

cameras badass

you’re loving it

right i’m loving it

but the other one was good but

the no camera

thing just really made me

never want to

use it that much really yeah that was a big

part at all man

i only use it for

watching things

like when i was getting tattooed

i use it to

watch tv shows

and i use it for reading books

yeah i don’t use it for anything else what’s that ipad

yeah yeah i don’t have one i’m just

gonna get the airbook because i

travel but do i need an ipad

nah what’s an

airpod you don’t need one that’s a little macbook a

little tiny

air i’d say

light light

what are you

a pussy bro

i get a 17 incher and i

carry that shit

over my shoulder

i don’t even bother putting the backpack on dude i do

squats i do kettlebells on a regular sun

step step i remember one time

you said to a bus full of

fighters aaron

mcmores like

back in the usc

literally when

randy couture

fought v tour

bell for is like back in

those days like

20 you know we were in tennessee or

baton rouge or something

right and we remember walking to the

venue remember that like how ghetto

was back in the day

like just and randy

we were actually

anyway but um

you go they were talking about

training techniques and you were like

i like to get into

horse dance

and put my balls inside my body and read

nietzsche and i

think emmanuel stewart was there

like people like

everybody’s like all

these fighters no

sense here but they all look at

you like this

they’re like

what is he saying

what are you saying

because you

weren’t really that

famous yet you were

like i like to get in a horse

dance push my balls in my body and read niche

it’s a good

thing everybody’s like

is he fucking serious

cause you were kind of squatting

they didn’t

laugh at me at all

i got into a squat position too i got into that

horse dance

i was fucking

dying yeah there was no room for

humor in those early ufcs

no man that was and i was

i was also the post

fight interviewer i wasn’t a commentator so

no one got to see my

sense of i know

when we were with tank and we were all

those guys and you were just like

be careful don’t be a jackass

around tank i don’t

know dude tank will

implode your

skulls beat you up

just beat your ass

you know you’re like you know

brian don’t be don’t be like hey tank

hey hey let me

tweak your nose

like bad news

tank will put you to

sleep where i remember

he put you to

sleep go to jail like normal kill you yeah you might

definitely change the way you look at the

world i remember shaking his hand

and and it felt i’ve

never felt the hand that

strong this is

he was just a

bruh how about thinking

about dude like we were talking

about how badass mayhem is

you know you were

fucking around with mayhem

and i said well i want

to show you a

video of who

some are paul

harris emitting mayhem

just think that

someone can do that to a guy as good as mayhem

as good and as

strong as mayhem is crazy

there’s just

levels there’s

levels upon

levels i’m a baboon

that guy’s a silverbacker

that’s how it is

you know i’m a

saluki imagine the

first dude that fucking stumble across gorillas

cause that did happen by the way as far as western

humans then you know as far as

white people that’s

right that that like that were

gorillas were a myth

until like the 1800s

right in indonesia a guy had

woke up a male

orangutan up

woke him up

and the thing

fleet flipped out and

grabbed him by the hair i got kind of long hair

thick in the knees

grabbed my hair and just

yang and scalped him

they took his just ripped

and scalped him like

he freaked out like

pulled his hair off and

then ran up into the trees oh my god so he had no scalp

that’s right

so what they do they have to like skin graft

you’re fucked onto his head you’re fucked

in indonesia

i’m not sure

but he’d probably just die of staph infection back

in the day i was surprised

like you know i

think the crazy

thing is gorillas

are the biggest but they don’t even eat meat

they’re all vegetarian that’s

right it’s called genetics my friend

if you ever

watch them go to

the san diego

zoo and watch

those gorillas you can

stand right next to them because

it’s plexible

watch them wrestle

all they do when they’re little is wrestle

all they do is roll around and they have arm drags duck

unders i’m not kidding headlocks

guillotine’s i

swear to god

they put you in

their guard i swear

so i’m telling

you that the man who invented jujutsu was his heli

on gracie helio well sort of i mean there was

the japanese i

wouldn’t be surprised

of course of course but he you know after he

could find heli

on carlos i

would i wouldn’t be surprised if one day they were

watching gorillas role

watch them play

it is they’re so

they are the perfect

wrestlers they’re so efficient for wrestling

they’re so efficient it’s just so

weird that they’re so big and that they eat

plants why because

silverback is not six feet tall

maybe six feet tall and weighs 600

pounds fat free

ladies and gentlemen

no fat on this

giant fucking

monstrous arms

but what is all that for is it all just to keep

things from fucking with it it must be

i don’t know man

cause they don’t kill anybody

they don’t really

swing through trees they just

and they’re not really aggressive

they have little dicks

yeah and they

have little dicks i have a bigger dick than a 600

pound gorilla

shazam son shazam

so but think

about that though

600 pounds that’s a lot of weight and then and then

there’s the

polar bear yeah

which would eat a gorilla

yeah what the fuck do you

think a polar bear

could eat a gorilla

yeah really yeah well do i

think so i don’t know they’ve

ever done that aren’t they 15 to 16 to 1700

pounds is that what a

polar bear something

that was pretty goddamn bad yeah they

stand they stand 10 feet or higher

they’re bigger than a

basketball go to a

basketball hoop

try to touch the rim

and they’re bigger than that when they stand

on their hind legs

yeah they take down

things like elk with

their mouths

yeah what’s the killer

whales you ever seen them eat

pilot whales through the ice

i’ve no doubt do

polar bears have big penises

i don’t know

no it’s good question but they’ll kick the shit

out of question brian

solid question

good question brian

thank you hold that question for a

second we’ll put that on the wall

yeah polar bears are

scary as fuck if you’re in alaska

if you see one you better run biggest it’s the biggest

carnivore biggest

biggest land carnivore

it actively

targets human beings and yes

they will eat a

human being they will make a

bee line for you there’s a terrifying

story that i read once

about these guys that were in a boat and the boat hit

an iceberg and the boat

started to sink

so they sent out a distress signal

and they climbed off the boat onto an ice shelf

you heard the

story yeah i know all

about it there’s a few

researchers i forget the number but there was more than

three terrible

story and this

polar bear saw them

and kept diving off one ice

sculpture to the next getting closer and closer

sizing them up

until finally he was on the one ice

culture they

were jumping around

yeah they were

screaming the yelling the

polar bear didn’t give a fuck he’s like

make yourself hard to swallow

time to eat some of you bitches

and he came over and he was on the ice

ice sculpture of the ice island

right next to them

jumped in the

water got on

their side walked calmly up to the

first guy could get a hold of they scrambled everybody

stumbled over each

other trying to get out of the way

grabs a guy

kills him right there instantly

grabs his limp body

jumps off the ice

ice island into the

water swims over to the

other one just

starts eating i’m

right in front of them

yeah and so he

ate that one guy and then help

came and help came when the next boat came when the

the you know this stress signal

was answered

by the time they got there

this guy was just rib cage popping out of his fucking

his jacket yeah i don’t want i’m not really interested

in dying that way thank you

cause you’re not doing anything that’s a bear

good luck and a polar bear

polar bears and fucking

oceans but then you know what

to do they grab you by the neck and i did they just

shake a couple times i

guess sometimes sometimes they just

start eating you they

start eating you from

the legs up like

that guy from grizzly bear yeah

seven minute

audio tape that’s a good time

there goes my legs

oh those are my feet i know

i won’t release that shit

those are my calves yeah

jesus christ

that’s my femur bone

ah my femur bone thigh

eating just taking

chunks out of your thigh

ruthlessly ever see that youtube

video of the

woman got too

close to the

polar bears cage oh yeah

breaks her leg

yeah brought her in yeah

hannah soccer

yeah they’re mean they’re also fast

well they have to be they living in fucking

the frozen north

what a crazy

place to live they’re like the

clean up agents of the frozen north

you can’t put a baby

polar bear or even a

smaller polar bear

like an adolescent

polar bear into a cage with a big

polar bear or

is what it’ll eat it

whoa yeah jack

females will keep their cubs

they’ll run away from

a male will

chase a female

under cubs for two days

trying to eat those cubs

jesus fucking

christ they’ll

follow a female running

and keeping her cubs going

to get away from a male

who sees them and says i want to eat your

babies i mean baby

fuck so she goes guys we

gotta run let’s run now

but why is he

still chasing us i’m

tired mommy shut up this is that’s the

school of hard

knocks by the way

yeah you think

and you know and ellie both

fucking cubs too they won’t just eat one

let the other one free no he’s

gonna kill that one and run

after the next

one the other one is you know

yeah they have to store up

they have to

store mom’s not doing a

thing she’s

gotta just go

randy couture

asked me to go hunting with them

i’m gonna go hunting with

randy couture

and we were

gonna go bear hunting

but i’m like i don’t

wanna eat a bear man

i don’t wanna eat a bear and

it’s i couldn’t do it anyway i had to cancel some

stand updates

so we’re trying to figure out another day to do it

but i’m like

let’s kill something that i can eat

black bear or grizzly bear as a

black bear you can eat

black bear oily me

taste like shit though

right say it’s really good it’s oily really yeah

what does that mean oily me they say it’s a very thick

that’s what i call my dick

can you imagine

going gay bear hunting with randy

bear hunting

like let’s find some bears

find some jean jackets on

you got your hunting gear here you just

end up in like the city you’re like what are we

doing dude why are we

crying this guy’s

dressed like

bob seger let’s take him down dude why do you

smell why do you

smell like cologne and why are you wearing eyeliner

and why am i

why am i sucking your dick yeah

randy couture is the manliest man ever

he’s all in

the balls and

running through the

woods he was doing the eco challenge when he stopped

fighting for a while

you know just

running through the fucking forest of the pacific

coast he doesn’t need it he

doesn’t need a bow and

arrow or anything else he

just does it he just runs so bad

motherfucker but

he’s a big hunter he loves hunting so he’s

gonna take me somewhere we’re gonna go

there’s a hunting tv show to do it with

whenever i’m around i’ve been around

randy couture

a couple of times and

and i whenever i’m around a guy like that i always feel

a combination of just awe

and just i feel a little bad

about myself

well i always feel like

jesus you know

i always say we people say why don’t you put in with me

first of all

because i don’t want to and to because i’m old

and then like and

brandy coutures

five years older than me

five years yeah don’t be a

pussy joe there has been

never been combat athletes

into their late 40s before ever

never you never saw

that you never saw a

48 year old

guy it’s a combination of a lot of

things a lot of its genetics too

because the guy’s

never injured

which is crazy

you know you think

about all the

different kinds of cancer

their camps

sports science did a

thing where he’s able to take the vo

like his vo

max is much higher like he’s able

to assimilate oxygen and his muscles much better than

than most people

well it makes

sense he’s a lifelong athlete and he was always

known even in the

early early days of competing of just

breaking guys wills

and that’s what he did to vitor

belfort he just imposed his will on vitor

and broke him

well that’s one

thing he fucked

up for a long time

he’s relentless he keeps you go for the

double leg and a single leg

then and he

beats you up

against the cage to this was this machita fight

in toronto is

very interesting

because he really firmly believes

that machita

is fights on the outside but you can

grab a hold of them and when you grab a hold of them

randy thinks he’s just

gonna pin him up

against the cage and beat the shit out of

randy coutures fighting

fighting machida bro

meanwhile he’s doing like the expendables to he’s doing

movies he’s a

crazy fuck dude and he’s trying to get hunting trips in

let’s go kill a bear

i’m such a girl

it’s good to be around

those guys it’s good to know

that there’s

levels of manliness

out there well it’s good to know that’s why

sports for a

young man are very important

because it teach you how

tough you’re not how

tough you’re not how

tough you are

but also how

tough you’re not

and you need to know both

sides and you

need to know what

other people are willing to go through the

kind of pain that some people are willing to go through

you gotta watch

a real life strength and conditioning program

you tell me you want to be an

mma fighter

go to the gym with sean shirk

just watch him do that once

first of all

i don’t need to

cause i was 17 and i went to dan gable’s intensive

wrestling camp with

the hawkeyes

and i remember limping

for two weeks i limped

wake you up at five in the morning and you run

sprints for an hour and then you do live

wrestling and

that’s why i didn’t want to

wrestle in college

cause i went

if this is college athletics i don’t

wanna do it and what happened was i’d

smell a mat and i’d get my back would

start to hurt

i got a psychosomatic injury

all right my body was like

don’t do that i limped

the only time in my life i kept looking at my plane

ticket and i was

gonna fake an injury so i

could go home

high school

wrestling making a fucking man out of you

they closed

that camp down

because you had to

graduate and like a

third of the camp

would drop out

and literally

they closed down i believe the next year or the year

after that well

they also were really encouraging people to lose a

tremendous amount of weight

which was terrifying and really

fucking terrible

for you your

young body you

know when you’re 14 15 years old and you’re in high

school and you’re

coach and you

already lean and they’re telling you to lose 10

pounds of water

and you had to

wrestle that day

too it’s not like the

ufc i did it too

it was awesome

i did it for taekwondo tournaments too it’s terrible

my friend did it his whole high

school career

like really

short where everyone else in his family is tall

he’s five six

and everyone

else in his family is like six foot six foot two

starving yourself yeah he

starved himself all

through high

school through

every fucking

season because college is

worse man yeah and he

went to in the off

season he went to camps

and like he was like really trying to make it as a

wrestler boxers don’t lose as much weight do they

cause they gotta go 12

rounds you also have

to take head blows

it’s much more dangerous when you take your head

blows yeah that’s when people get really real serious

brain damage

like gerald

mcclellan is a perfect example of that

he’s a guy who used to

lose a lot of weight

to make his division i

think he was

light heavy weight

he was a big guy and he

would dehydrate himself really bad

and didn’t go

about it the

right way and

i don’t know if they used ivs

back in those days to rehydrate

now they’re pretty sophisticated about it

they always give guys bags of iv

like some guys will take six

seven eight bags oh really

yeah they have to rehydrate and they piss like crazy

but they feel much better much

quicker and you

gain a tremendous amount of weight in like

24 hour period like there’s a guy

glace and t bow

fights in ufc i don’t know how

he loses the weight i don’t know what he does but this

motherfucker fights at

155 and he looks like he’s like 190 he’s fucking huge

well it’s like

what’s the guy’s name

anthony johnson

yeah he walks two

fifteen yeah he’s

two fifteen

i wonder he was

fighting one seventy

again fuck one

seventy when i was i was doing a

movie with him in pittsburgh and he walked around with

these shoulders

i was like this dude and he’s to i said how much you

weigh goes two fifteen i go

how are you

gonna get out the one

seventy he’s like i’ll make

no problem got it

done with science i was like i don’t know how the

fuck his head’s that big he’s

enormous his bones yeah

he’s a super athlete that guy is

fucking that’s a guy when you

stand around you feel like just such a wimp you just

yeah and he’s an interesting guy too because he’s a

wrestler but he’s really been working

primarily on his

striking you

know and he’s

knocking a lot of guys out

that was a big

victory for costcheck when costcheck beat him

i think a lot of that guy’s problem is that he

gets really depleted making that 170

i think he’d be better served at

185 i think a lot of guys

would i think

a lot of guys lose too much weight and i

think over the

long course of a career it’s very dangerous

that’s very unhealthy

i don’t know if you’re allowed to say but is there

gonna be a gsp

anderson silver fight

they want to do that but gsp has to get through jake

shields which is no fucking cakewalk

jake shields is dangerous as fuck and he’s a winner

and his jiu

jitsu is top notch

jake shields can

submit anybody

but did gsp has proved that he is

still far in a way

he’s a bad motherfucker no doubt

about it but

you can’t discount jake

shields gsp’s

never fought jake

shields i’m telling you

jake shields look he

might be it gsp

might be able to keep the foot on his feet

and if he does

gsp is more than likely gonna

like be far better on his feet

he’s got way better

striking way better hands way better kicks than jake

jake is just all

about closing the distance

getting a hold of

you and drag you to the ground and if you can’t do that

yeah he’s in some

trouble he’s

gonna get boxed up but

but if he can do that it becomes very interesting

it becomes very interesting cause

jake shields has competed at the very highest

levels of the game in grappling

and submitted

guys in fact in abu dhabi that submitted gsp

his level of

jiu jitsu is

quite a bit higher

but george is so

smart and he’s so defensively

intelligent and he’s

never been submitted in

mma before no so

at least not he’s

also punching

yeah and elbowing you and he’s

strong as fuck and his

wrestling is

outstanding too yeah they say i’ve talked to guys who

train with him and they say that

he’s just he’s really really

strong yeah that’s

super him well he’s got

great strength and he’s also like really

smart and he does

things correctly and he’s like

super driven like

i told you we worked on that turning sidekick thing

he talked to me

afterwards like

joe i practiced it a thousand time

i was on this set they were like this guy’s crazy

i’m kicking the bag i’m telling you man i’m

gonna get it like he was

like obsessed with it like if you show him a technique

he’ll go over and go over and next

thing you do it

he’ll probably be doing it better than you who

taught him you know what’s funny

about that is

you see these people who are

great and they do

these things and you

think it’s magic they just work harder than

everybody else

obsession and repetition

and you know the same desire that gets you

far in life with that

can also fuck you up if you get addicted to everquest

you know it’s the same sort of obsession

can wind you up in a

ditch if it becomes something that’s not productive

for me i have

to and i know you’re probably the same way i

have to manage my addictions i have to be real careful

and keep an eye

on i’m not as

intense as you are that way

you’ve always been really really

obsessive well it’s a problem

it’s not even a discipline

it’s more of an obsession i’m disciplined

kinda i mean i get

things done i’m disciplined

but what i really am is driven

there’s a big

difference if i find something like

i’m not good at doing

things i don’t want to do

you know like

i’m not good at taking out the garbage i’m not

good at remembering to do errands

things that i’m supposed to do i’m not good at

but if there’s something i’m excited

about there’s something that’s

motivated about

then i become obsessed with it and then i become driven

to get good at whatever the fuck this

thing is so it’s not even like a discipline

thing it’s almost

like it’s fine i just know how to turn on

the crazy switch

yeah you do you’re really really good

but you gotta manage that shit man

there’s a lot of people that don’t

they get into gambling and then they become fucking

crazy with blackjack or poker

i’ve always been really

grateful that i didn’t have the kind of wiring that was

predisposed to

the kind of

negative obsessions like that

well you’re

self deprecating enough to the

point where you

don’t have to constantly be the best guy in the room

you know you

don’t you can have a good time no matter what no

i’ve always

enjoyed my friends

successes i’ve always thought yeah i’ve always

found it more inspiring than threatening i

never i just

think it’s like intelligence it’s

like trying to compartmentalize anything you know well

that’s why you’re a healthy dude too that’s why but

it’s like courage

you know some people say well i’m a coward well

you’re a coward

maybe you wouldn’t get up on

stage and do

stand up you’d

fight six guys in a bar

and intelligence or

talent it’s all the same

stuff you’re good at

you know some

people you just have to find what you’re good

at find your

shit what’s your role

it might be to

support talented people

it might be to be the one on

stage it might be the one who comes up with a

microphone that you use

right there’s club owners there’s

managers there’s

agents comics if

you have children

i think your job is to try to nudge that

child in the

direction of what he’s supposed to do anyway

yeah whatever his primal impulses are you

know you contemplate i mean you have kids now are you

actively thinking

about that are your daughters

my daughter

and what i try to do with my

daughter is provide

two things one

is love unconditional love so she’s not messed up but

i also believe

that a large part of my job is

to stand out of the way not

to be a suppressive overwhelming personality for her

i don’t want to be too much of an influence

and the reason i don’t want is i want her to

ultimately i think a

great deal comes from having to

be independent and also feeling free enough and not

ashamed of whatever it is you are

and so much of my

childhood and it’s not nobody’s fault

but so much of my

childhood is

when i think back on it even my

young adult in years is

full of kind of but what i

would describe is

shame i mean describe certainly as confusion but also

shame just also

god i feel so different than most people

i’m a fuck up and i got to get my shit together

well no i didn’t

i actually had to just go deeper into that and so

well to be a

performer yes but if you were a car salesman yeah you

would have had a problem sure but i’m saying yeah

you know i mean it’s like

we’re lucky that this avenue

exists absolutely

i’m just saying you

gotta find whatever your avenue is

and i think

that you know people say well everybody has

a path i don’t know

about that but

your job as a

young adult as a

child is to try

maybe everybody

could have a path

it’s not that everybody does

maybe that everybody

could yeah but

you also you said something really profound i’ve been

thinking about a lot

lately that i thought was really cool you said it’s one

thing to be really accomplished and you’ve accomplished

things you know

we can go through all the stuff but

but the one

thing you said that you’re the most

proud of is accomplishing your

peace of mind

and that is a very separate

separate endeavor

from trying to make

money and trying to make a name for

yourself trying to be significant trying to be original

but actually

getting to a

point where you have

peace of mind

i think is equally as important

as anything it’s more important than anything it is

i’m happier now than i’ve ever been at any

point in my life and

i’m also nicer to people now than at any

point ever in my own life

and more conscious

about biological

maintenance

making sure

i work out on a regular basis making sure i’m healthy

all those things together with my life

i figured out a

way changed in some

ways your personality in a way i mean you’ve changed

you’ve actually made

fundamental changes

in how you relate to

other human beings i’ve seen that in you

a lot of that is

psychedelics

and the tank

the tank whatever

it is it’s a combination you did the tank recently

yeah it was awesome tell me about this

we’ll end with this

cause we’ve been talking for a long time but

tell me what your

experience was like i got into

the salt water

and it was really dark and

i just by the way

for people don’t

know this is a sensory deprivation tank we’re talking

about yeah and i thought two

things i thought one i was

gonna go restless and i thought the

other thing i was

gonna get cold

and then i thought i was

gonna sink and on

and in fact

i started to just

focus on my breath and

sort of it was very easy for me to kind of disappear

for real and

i think i stayed in there for two

hours but i

could have stayed in there way longer

way longer people say you know

he said i think the guy said

you know 15 minutes

you know you

might be in there for an hour but it

might be hard

for me i could have

i could have just stayed in there

it’s an amazing environment isn’t it

yeah you need to get one of those

we all need that

well you live

in the area

so you can go yeah you can go to that

place all the time but

man having one of your

houses is this shit how

often you change that

water you don’t have to you don’t have to

it’s only me that goes in and it’s 800

pounds of salt nothing can live

in there that’s amazing yeah it’s like it’s so dense

yeah it is just like that

it’s the most valuable program ever

or the valuable tool ever

for reprogramming your mind for looking at yourself

and in a truly objective way and to be tethered

untethered rather from your life untethered from

your personal

experiences and able to look at them

literally when

you’re inside that tank it feels like you’re not there

it feels like

time has essentially stopped

you’re not getting any input

it might be

going on without you all

rambling free in the

world but in your life

your life is all

about how you relate to

everything that you see in your environment

so having a

chance to be out of your environment the only

opportunity

that you have in the

world that’s

the only environment on the planet like that

where you can go and separate yourself

literally from your life now

watch yourself

if you don’t know what we’re talking

about we’re talking

about a sensory deprivation tank

which was created by a

psychedelic

pioneer from the 50s name

john lilley

who was this

brilliant scientist

who was incredibly eccentric and one of the

things he wanted to figure out was

how to detach

himself from his physical

inputs of sound and feeling and and seeing

things and how to figure out how to get the mind

literally away from any

input of the body

he realized that life is very distracting and that

conversations

that you’re having if there’s a bus driving by

right next to you it’s hard to have that conversation

the bus is distracting

things input is distracting and

when you are in the tank you are

literally dealing with no input

you have no hearing because your ears are

underwater and it’s a

heavy door that’s shut and it’s pretty soundproof

you have no

scene because you’re in

total blackness

you total complete darkness

you don’t feel anything because the

water is the same temperature as your skin

and the water has 800

pounds of salt in it so you

completely buoyant

and it’s the

most amazing environment man it goes into that really

was that i think therefore i am right

descartes yeah

but that’s always been disputed in the

sense that because you can imagine it

doesn’t mean indeed that

it’s actually there well then because

the question is

what is the imagination

this is the real question is what is

the imagination and our thoughts really non local and

are you really just a

biological antenna that like

picks up entropy in the air that picks up

creativity and ideas and

things and these are

literally woven into the fabric

of time all around us you know what that

great mathematician

when the fields

medal said right he refused the

fields medal

which is a million dollar

prize i believe and it’s like the nobel

prize for mathematics they couldn’t find him

found him in siberia a

year later and he goes why are you giving me the prize

you should be giving the equation

a prize i just

have i just have antenna i’m

wired a certain way

and i was able to channel

the answer i

think it was a

350 page answer they’ve been looking at

they even the problem had been

conjectured in like 1806 and they were trying

the actual problem

then he came up with the answer and all

these mathematicians

were like this guy actually figured it out

after 300 years

and he’s just incrediably

and he goes yeah yeah but

what are you

you’re giving the prize

to the radio

you should be giving it to the

music they all say that

every artist says that

every great writer says that they tune into the

muse i love

that that’s

what makes me

believe in any kind of god or whatever you

wanna call it

a higher benevolent

force of some kind or at

least something of beauty

i don’t know

yeah what was my point

that we what is imagination

well what yeah

thank you this is

my point was

the idea of

imagination is very strange because you have this idea

you have this

thing that comes to your mind wait a

minute if i do this and combine it with that holy shit

i just made a new invention

this is gonna be

this is gonna revolutionize

what you’ve done is

with this thing in the ether

you have pulled it out of that and now it manifests

itself in a physical form and alters human life

it changes life like all the

things that people have invented they had to initially

think up whether it’s the car whether it’s computers or

this had to

be a thought in someone’s mind a creative idea

or a conglomeration of

other ideas that have

existed before that’s

a combinatory

thing and they combine it and make some new creative

thing whatever the imagination is it eventually

manifests itself as an actual thing

so we don’t look at that for

some reason

it’s frivolous

imagination is also

way more important

than what you consider intelligence or amassing

information imagination is what moves history forward

it gutenberg innovation

well gutenberg when he came up with a

printing press

even freud when he came up with the concept that you

could figure out how the

human mind works einstein’s theory of relativity

newton’s calculus

these guys who were

these seminal thinkers

who came up with

even karl marx for that matter i’m not a communist but

these guys who came up with

these sort of seminal concepts of

how to restructure

our society how to restructure our biology

how to restructure our minds how to look at our minds

all those things

from the imagination

it all came

from imagination and we leapt

forward in some ways not in a good way in some

ways we came up with the atomic bomb well yeah i mean i

split the atom but

it’s all the same

thing right it’s all people and you know whatever

branch of study that they choose to pursue

you know they

they create

things that’s

right and it

becomes an actual physical

thing but what

is the imagination that’s making that happen

is it like a life form and what’s the

point yes and also what’s the

point is it the diagram

the map of the universe that we’re supposed

to follow we brought this podcast full circle cause

we started with that question

and we end with that question

who knows better

to have imagination kids this is our message

folks just be fucking nice

to people if we all were cool if everybody was like

the people in this room

right now if the

whole world was made out of us

and we just ran into us

everywhere i mean

that’s so egocentric and

ridiculous to say

but the mindset

of what i’m talking about just

be cool to people

just be nice you know what the problem is

sometimes competition

is the problem not only that sometimes

jelly has an idea that they

think is better for you

so example the

board of the board of

certain people in kansas say

let’s start

teaching intelligent design

and not evolution

and we’re gonna

teach your child that

for his soul

and all of a

sudden you go wait a

minute you’re trying

to be nice to me but i don’t want that kind of nice

yeah that’s the

wrong kind of nice

that’s not what i’m talking

about i’m talking

about people not fucking with

other people don’t

try to control

other people

worry about yourself

there’s just so many of us

there’s so many of us it’s hard

to get this all across but i firmly believe that we

right now are more

advanced more in tune

more tuned in

than any other

generation that’s

ever been before and a lot of it is because of

stuff like this

a lot of it is because of the podcasts internet

things you can read

the access to information all

these things we’re communicating in a way

with twitter

and with facebook that no one’s ever done before i

think we’re connected the way we’ve

never been before

in real time yeah

these things that we’re all

pushing together

it’s a fascinating time and i

think human beings

culturally are

evolving at

an incredible race

at an incredible pace rather exponential in a way

technology certainly

is yeah that’s

the nuttiest

thing about all this

2012 nonsense is fuck

everything’s

pointing towards that being real

everything’s

pointing towards all

these fucking events happening and people

changing and technology

accelerated at an incredible pace and we talked

about earlier

about the center of

every galaxy being a

black hole and we were talking about that

well that’s what they’re trying to do with the

large hadron collider they’re making

black holes

so if the center of

every galaxy is a

black hole and inside that

black hole is

a universe and then they’re making universes

that’s very good yeah

like what the fuck somebody put the

breaks on that we are butterflies

and we are on our way to being the next

thing you know

there was a caterpillar that became a butterfly

and that is the

human being

if you want an actually

great lecture on that it’s called homo evalutis

and it’s by one enriquez

and go to ted com

and one enriquez

will take you through a

lecture called homo aveludice and he talks

about how we’re coming out with

for example eyes

that right now can see

shadow and light

but they’re

gonna pretty much

presume be able to see

underwater and in dark for a mile away

and eventually here’s that can hear a mile

away just close all that

stuff and we’re

gonna become

we’re gonna

start to become machine

part machine as we come

up with biocompatible components way faster than we’re

gonna ever evolve into the

whatever else we’re supposed to biologically

i know people already that have artificial hips

i know a couple

people and dude my hip

starts clicking now your hips

are fucked up

my hip on this side really hurts sometimes when i move

the wrong try being a top

every now and then

game out and

all that game

for you the greatest

thank you very much for being on the podcast

again always the most fascinating intriguing in

depth conversations head

spinning shit

i’m gonna have

to go back and review it because there was a lot of

stuff that we talked

about that i’m like wow

i really need to consider this and i apologize for any

inaccuracies it is the

we just start talking we just start

always always an

honor always a pleasure please you’re the best

man brian and people can follow

brian on twitter it’s b r y

a n c a l l e n

follow him on twitter and follow redband

please and by

the way and by the way i’m doing the palms

i’m doing the palm

stand up this weekend oh this weekend

in vegas seriously

he’s one of the funniest most unique

human beings on the planet

responsible for

one of the three funniest

things i’ve ever seen in my life

the gay jujitsu

sketch that you did in a

hotel room in vegas

between that

and joey dia

showing his balls and duncan

trussell’s new

video duncan

trussell’s new

video so good isn’t it

i have seen it

it was duncan and

his girlfriend natasha

no one seen it yet you can only

watch it on his computer

it hasn’t been released yet

when it does get released i made a

video on my iphone talking about how

great it is like you people are

gonna freak

it’s gonna get like a million hits in the

first week it’s fucking

great it’s fucking

great fucking

hilarious this is

his thing his

greatest accomplishment it’s

genius his dunkin

in a nutshell and natasha in a nutshell together

all right this

weekend gotham sold out next weekend there’s a few

tickets left for the more theater in seattle but that’s

going fast too

and then we’re in portland

the week after that

at helium in portland

it’s all on joewrogan net

and this wednesday we are at

sal’s comedy hole

got some funny fucking people on there too who’s on

steve renezisi

freddie lockhart doug

benson and brett

ernst yeah it’s a good lineup

ladies and gentlemen

so you don’t want to miss that shit and

sal’s comedy hole is only like

80 or 90 people and we do it pretty much

every wednesday

every wednesday no one in town

we fuck around we come

up with new material we have fun we you know it’s a

great environment you’re

gonna see a lot of cool

comics it’s like a vip show

right now like

these 80 people are getting a

crazy show i mean

sarah silverman did it last week

with doug benson

you know sledgett

you know we always have like

top notch guys come down and fuck around and

it’s like a really good environment it’s a really fun

place you doing anything wednesday

brian callum’s on the show

i’ll actually be in

i have to do brea

at 8 o’clock

what time have you done

what time’s your set

are you closing you’re closing yeah i

think i’m closing

okay you won’t be done in time

all right yeah we

started at nine

well any wednesday we do it

every wednesday

eight we saturday

eight o’clock

8 p m south coming home

hey dude dad i

wanna come yeah you coming you’re coming it’s the

greatest it’s the new hangout it’s the new

greatest place

to fuck around for

stand up everyone

super supportive everyone that works there cool as fuck

sal is an ace

he’s just a

super warm friendly

happy guy yeah

so he’s got a new

place it’s on

it’s on melrose now oh

great i’d love to

it’s a real

small place

vip part or

vip service now or

valet service now

starting this wednesday really yes

because the parking was a little give some

foreign dude your keys and make sure he doesn’t

steal your wheat

yeah all right

listen bitches you know we love you

and we’ll see you tomorrow with joey coco

diaz none other

than the other one of the

other funniest

human beings

funny experiences

you know what the fuck i’m talking

about bitches

all right i love you guys winning