Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Dana DeArmond.

Transcript

ladies and gentlemen brothers and sisters

lovers and children dana de armand is in the house

give it up for dana

dana and i are e pals

we tweet each other back and forth but this is our

first time actually meeting each

other in real life cool

you’re very funny you say some funny shit on twitter

and you said you had a really funny

thing when you broke down

this jennifer aniston

fucking what’s his name

adam sandler

it was really

funny go with it yeah

if you haven’t seen it

what you can get it on

it’s on youtube on your what it does

to say just

don’t go with it just don’t go with it youtube

com it’s really

funny and really like you

broke it down like a

comic would

break it down like

how ridiculous it is

first of all i thought it was

hilarious that you said that jennifer aniston was the

human equivalent to oatmeal oatmeal

so bland and like

but that’s perfect that is

absolutely perfect it’s like she’s

nutritious i

would have said like a

grilled cheese sandwich

i would have called her a grilled cheese sandwich but

there’s a grilled cheese sandwich

truck you don’t see an oatmeal

truck anywhere

right no lines

nobody line

up for i would give her more

credit than

oatmeal is what i’m saying

i think you’re being a little unfair

i’ll give her a little

more than oatmeal but i know what you’re saying

you know i wonder

i got this no love for jennifer aniston

she’s just a

chick trying to get some

money doing her acting

thing and she’s been a

viral smart

water video

and she’s trying

to like be with all the youtubers and like make a

viral video to

undertake smart water

thing she ain’t hurting anybody

yeah it’s easy

to get caught up in hating someone for no reason

and she’s she’s

not somebody but why

heard jennifer

go after kadafi

kadafi is gonna

leave kardashian

go after kardashian you know

how do you feel

about that but then you know

i mean it’s it’s also you know if you live in a

glass house don’t

throw rocks right

dude live your own fucking life who gives a shit

but you’re right her

stuff what she’s doing

it’s all like goddamn

bitch don’t you have enough

money don’t you want to do something interesting yeah

everything you fucking

do is like the same goddamn stupid

story you know

those romance

and they’re the

worst date movies ever

because if you you’re

going on this date if you’re a guy

you’re already giving into the fact that

you’re doing whatever you can to fuck

you know you’re

gonna pretend to be someone you’re not

you know i would

never ask a chick

to go see some

crazy fucking

stupid werewolf

movie if they

weren’t into it you know what i mean

i would never

but women can ask a guy to go see some wonky ass date

night bullshit

jennifer aniston

god forbid sandra bullock

movies those

motherfuckers i love sandy

she loves little sandy

you love santa

because of what happened to her that’s what we

kinda look like yeah that was just

gonna say it’s exactly why

right oh my

god i was gonna bitch

about no strings attached to

cause natalie portman

you have an

oscar but still making bullshit

like no strings attached

for me i’m the most

attractive person ever

me and ashton kutcher are

gonna have no strings to

touch friend sex

boohoo well they

could fuck anybody

anywhere any day of the week

a new person

every single day

and they’re

gonna make a fucking happy ass

oh we’re just

gonna be friends

and have sex and it won’t get complicated oh

i wonder what’s

gonna happen

well do they

fall in love

what if they

didn’t what if they you’re that girl you have to

understand what happens she’s sitting around her

agent calls them this is what we have for you

it’s a big movie

it’s blah blah blah everyone’s all hyped on it

and next thing you know

like i’ve read for shit that i really i’m

happy i never got

you could just get talked into

going in on

these things the next

thing you know you’re in an office

next thing you know you’re signing

papers next

thing you know

a movie set

and you’re doing this fucking terrible movie

you know boohoo

cry for you you know

no big deal but i’m just saying they’re

just out there doing their shit

she looks fantastic pregnant

they should do that

movie though

where it’s like it’s sold like that

where you know exactly what’s

going to happen they’re

gonna fall in love and

cheat but then

it’s actually like he murders her and like loves

his body like you try not

to be an alien

he only wants her eggs

i love it that

would be a good idea for a

movie yeah just

flip it i saw

what was it called

bureau what the fuck’s it called adjustment bureau

i’m so behind in

movies right now

i don’t even know what this is pretty goddamn decent

based on a philip k dick

novel so it was really weird

it was really trippy

like really surprising

i thought it was

just gonna be

a typical dumb movie

and there had a lot

there’s a lot of dumb elements

but you kind of

have to have

some dumb shit in a lot of

movies just

to wrap up a complicated premise inside of two hours

you know you

gotta have some i

wanna be with

you forever

about that one guy that said

that thing well it’s

also like what is his

motivation well he’s

ridiculously in love with her and

you know why is this

going on really

i just met no i mean come on really i mean you’re

dwelling on this shit

three years

later because

it’s meant to be and it’s all written down somewhere

it’s fascinating

how i went about it

rack my brain over back to the future and that’s like

from 1985 i’m like

still things bother me

about it so much like the time or almost nothing like

the rape part like there was

a rape in back to the future

yeah biff tries to rape

lorraine and really that’s

right in the alternate

future that really yeah they just

still have him like wash his car and

stuff like oh

yeah you know what’s weird

that time you

tried to rape me

i prom night

like it bothers me some

really i never even thought

about it though but yes that is but then

again i do take a lot of medicine

make me like kind of hone

in on that kind of stuff

what about the rapes

i don’t remember anything

about that movie you know i’m finding as i get

older like i’ve definitely used up hard drive

space and deleted a lot of files

cause i can watch movies now

and it’s like i never watched them before

i watched a simple mind the other day

the the the russell crowe

movie about that genius a beautiful

mind beautiful mind yeah simple mind

beautiful mind and it was fucking

great i had no idea what was gonna happen

i literally

didn’t remember the movie i know i’ve seen it

i’m just i’m out of space

i got no space man

that’s that’s like that social network that’s what’s

gonna happen with that

movie to me in like ten years like it was a

great movie but

that’s not a movie you’ll remember at all

so many movies man if you really stop

you know it’s like

and i was gonna ask you this because you do porn

like why the fuck are they still making porn movies

there’s no way you could have seen them all

right there’s no way you need

a new one if you’re really just beating off

there’s no way

unless you’re fixating on very specific actresses

which a lot of guys do

but if you’re not if you’re just beating off

jesus christ that’s one

thing who’s seen them all that’s one

thing i’ve noticed though it is the characters it is

you like a certain actress and you

start wanting to see it like before porn

was always to me porn was jacking off

but then i never really got into characters

since like twitter

where now i’m following people on

twitter and

stuff like that now i’m starting to get

them no i want to see a movie with that person and yeah

so i see that

now that twitter’s helping it a little bit yeah

that’s definitely what’s become

i mean it’s become that with

comics as well

you know it’s like people

reaching out and you develop

like your fan base then you all communicate with each

other and then i

guess when some dudes

whacking off to you it’s like much more personal

or more fun

they kind of feel like they own you a little bit

a little bit

disconcerting

do people get douchey with you because of that

like i’m a fan like i demand this well i mean even like

today coming here

um people are like

uh is joe rogan

gonna fuck you and i’m like i’m a person yeah

like you know like

you have your

thing isn’t that

weird though and we just met in the

you know it’s

just like this isn’t a

movie this is real

life and you have your real life and outside of comedy

and your podcast and mma stuff

and tv and movies

you have your own personal life

right me outside of my

twitter feed

my bathing my bathtub

thing like what’s your bathtub

saying i just

spend like five

hours a day in the bathtub

you just sit around the bathroom yeah

i just can you not get

clean enough are you one of those no

i’ve done so much porn

constantly just

never ever you

do it on like a webcam or something no i just like

like to be in the tub

you should do it on webcam is there is there a

psychological

thing there

or you just like to do it no i just comfortable

just feels good to be in the tub

warm and wet

yeah i’m not wearing

clothes and keeps me from eating

taking food in the bathtub is gross

the cat in the hat

did it just

get an isolation tank there that’s part of the cat in

the hat that

would be awesome

when the cat in the hat comes back that’s

where he starts

trouble eats cake in a tub

see that’s where it’s all down

that motherfucker and he

gets those little kids in

trouble almost and then he pulls it out with

magic at the very end

so yeah most people don’t eat in the bathtub

well you’re up to date with your cat in a hat

that’s awesome shit son

i love this i have a two and a half year old i

know she loves the cat in the hat

and i love reading it

i get all enthusiastic

about it it’s fucking

great writing

the cat in the hat

especially the cat in the

hat comes back that one’s the shit dude have you guys

had some shell silver seen yet

no man where the sidewalk

ends get that you’ll fucking love it and be

great you will read that shit and you

as a kid that’s my man that

cat in the hat seems

awful psychedelic

shell still got

magic the cat in the hats got a

crazy hat and magic

fuck michelle

silverstein i’m not interested michelle

whatever the

fuck you’re talking about

i’m not interested man you’re talking nonsense

i’m telling you

about something awesome and

you’re telling me

about something else i have no idea

what it is it’s very similar let’s talk

about what’s awesome i don’t want to hear

about this you will

think it’s the

cat in the hat is the shit son

he’s a cat with a

magic fuckin hat

he pulls his cat off and there’s little cat a

little cat a pulls his hat off there’s little cat b

little cat c

and it gets all the way down to little cat z

and little cat z has boom

and you don’t know what the fuck boom is

but boom fixes

everything and when it gets down to little cat z

when the fucking shit hits the fan when the cat fucks

everything up

he gets the tub

dirty he gets pink shit out in the snow

and on the 10

shoes and on mom’s dress

and everything is a fucking disaster

and he keeps pulling out little hats

so other cats can help him

and they just fuck shit up

worse and worse

until it gets to little cat z

and little cat z’s got the

reset switch

he pulls out boom

and boom just zip

bang no matter what

you little cat z is so

small you can’t even fucking see him

he’s not visible to the

naked eye okay

so they’re going

macrocosm on your ass man they’re

going quantum physics

all right that’s how badass

cat in the head is

so fuck your

stupid what was her name again

shell silver

shell silverstein can suck the cat in the hats cock

how about that

that’s what i got to say

i need to i need this

the shit son i need to have some kids

cause i haven’t read this shit in a while

i need you know

when you don’t have kids the idea

of reading kids

catnap story

sounds like fucking painful punishment yeah

people i’ve when i i’ve been in the position

where i didn’t have kids

where i looked at people at kids like oh you trap fuck

like oh my god oh you’re doomed you’re

stuck to that shit that’s

how i’m eating you

right now there’s no way not to

there’s no way not to

it’s normal if you

don’t have kids that’s how it’s supposed to be set up

until you have them of your own

you’re supposed

to complete your mission in life

like your motivation and your goals

are to be as unentangled as possible

so when you see

entanglements in

other people’s lives

you recognize them as disgusting

things you never want to see yourself

that’s why you see

someone’s acting like an asshole

or someone’s acting

selfish or jealous

those feelings

that you get from seeing them like ugh it’s so gross

that’s a message to you

you’re supposed to

learn from this

you’re supposed to

never ever be what that person is

like they’re there for you

when you see people with kids if they’re not yours

you get this

screwy message

you get this message of oh look at this poor fuck

you think about all the

worst aspects of all your relationships

and how you

know you could possibly be entangled some

other person

and then there’s a

fucking kid who won’t stop crying and oh you’re doomed

but when you have them all of a

sudden it’s like whoa there’s this little

human and they’re your little friends

and it’s you

like it’s not really another person

it’s a part of you

that’s become its own individual

you love it

literally more than you love yourself

and then reading

to them and playing with them it’s fun as fuck

it’s like you got this little pal

like she makes me

laugh all the time she shows me her dumps

she takes these

giant shits

they’re fucking huge

they come out this little

tiny body can’t believe how big her shits are you

should start

twittering your

her twitch no way no way

these would be jerking off to my baby shit oh fuck

let me that log

that if it fits that

it fits my cock

no that’s what

they be thinking

oh of course there

would be there’s at

least like five guys

if you showed

how big your baby shit was we’re like you what else

could i fit in that ass

they would think about

stuff in there i jacked

off your kids poop

today joe exactly there’s at

least one guy who’s

gonna say that yeah but she

thinks it’s hilarious she goes i just made a poop log

and poop is what she knows is

funny because it’s funny coming out of a two year old

so that’s like the go to word

you know whenever you know

what does it

smell like poop

everything smells like poop

like she’ll say

everything smells like poop and

laugh that’s

awesome you gotta get her in on

there’s a show called adventure time i highly recommend

it’s like a trippy

show for kids

but if you’re an

adult you will fucking want to get high and watch it

amazing it’s all i want to do

really yeah

it’s the next

and then it’s like

maria bamford’s on it

steve agie said that he did something on it

like a bunch of really talented people

oh it’s really cool the guy that used to flapjack

flapjack got canceled so now he’s on it too

fucking awesome

would you ever do a cartoon

voice i think oh yeah

i think that

would be one of your

ideal things i

think i have well we did it you

did a family guy or

american dad or something like that you remember you

well i did it yeah i did a cartoon

voice on family guy and i did

fuck what else have i done with little kid shit

i feel like

i’ve done something before i’ve read some books

i read some books that

became books on cd

long time ago

with mario lopez

oh no way yeah it was kind of fun man

cause you’re reading a

kids story mario

lopez and you’re reading

him a little

later yeah he’s hot as fuck

and i always

remember like

you know like

how was i was a little kid like

to like listen to a cassette of someone tell a

story i was like fucking cool you’d be tucked in bed

and hear some really exciting

story you know yeah

so it was fun it was fun doing that

speaking of lopez

remember when we had allison on she was

extra behind

mario lopez and she was just staring at him

like she was like the terminator with this really evil

meaning well she’s

done it again

but this time she did even better like at the beginning

like high five when they come back from a commercial

mario lopez and her

and then she immediately goes

right back into the

character and she’s just staring at him down looking

she overdid it this time

acting yeah

she’s overdoing it this time

just acting thing

just did you be

crazy on tv

what is going on with that chick

yeah exactly

that one bitch is crazy

exactly the

first time i met her when she was a

brian she’s very nice very nice person

first time i met her i’m like dude is that girl

angry like what’s

going on man yeah

i feel like did i

upset her did i say something rude

cause i don’t

and i’m like i don’t even remember her interacting

she’s got this mean face

but then she’s

super nice yes she’s the

coolest person

ever she just gets lost and

overthought i

think you know like she’s constantly

you know just

thinking about

things and then she looks

angry it’s called

winning it’s called winning it’s called winning

winning this

charlie sheen meme has

hit its turn to corner

starting to corner i

watched the podcast and all of a

sudden this is not fun anymore

there’s two

there’s three now

but there’s two different versions there’s one

where he actually

tries to do like a talk show

right it’s very strange

and it’s very cocaine

because everyone in the room is like all

happy and laughing at nonsense

and there’s this one guy who won’t stop playing fart

sounds it’s like you know he probably

listened to the howard stern show

twice and you

know and said oh this is probably all it takes just

need a fucking fart

board this guy’s blowing off farts in the

background for no reason whatsoever

and charlie’s like reading off q cons

just trying to

have those synapses fire in some sort of a

reasonable and

understandable sequence

cause it’s just cocaine

madness in that brain

his brain is ravaged dude

he’s got blow out holes in walls and

waters leaking out

no one knows

what the fuck happens to your

brain when you blow

seven fucking gram rocks

you’re snorting

them and smoking them for years and years

he’s fried he’s

barely trying to keep it together what if this is all a

setup for a

movie be a night

and fucking

genius movie yeah

i mean maybe

not maybe not

maybe the best

movie i will

never ever be on charlie sheen’s

bandwagon fuck him

why why you

say that because it’s just

i don’t know

that’s the best way to get people mad i

think is just to be like

i’m not into what you’re into

fuck you yeah i actually have not been

watching or

following any of it

i feel like

there’s no reward in that for me

but there’s a reward in following it

there’s a reward in

studying it like he’s some fucking

lewis and clark of cocaine and whores

right you know he’s like out there in the woods

i’ll tell you

how pans and horrors

have been around for a very very long time but no

one has been

able to rock it

like two mill only

about two mill a week is how you discover something new

he’s got radical amounts of

money syndication money

and when you have that kind of

money that’s how

there’s dudes show up with

briefcases and shit and

you know and there’s 50 girls in the room

he’s doing other level shit

cause you’re not supposed to get that rich

and still have this

crazy appetite for cocaine and horse

you’re not supposed to be that open

about it you’re not supposed to be that public

about it well

that’s what’s

crazy is that that’s exactly

where tv’s going this

whole shit is the realest

our life supposedly

supposedly this is the realest

you can get for reality shows now is having a you

stream channel

and seeing somebody

about to die

maybe you know maybe

or the whole

thing’s fucking fake

no it’s not fake

directed by shell silverstein

and this is

gonna like the next

biggest movie ever

dude it’s fucking in 3d

it’s so scary when you look at his

body and his face like the latest ones the latest two

it looks like he hasn’t eaten

or slept in days like his skin

is loose on his face yeah

looks like an old man yeah

well it’s because he’s lost all this weight

how old look at him

that looks like he’s only

two years older than me

and i don’t

know i know i don’t look like i did when i was

young i look at myself when i was

young and i’m like wow how

weird is that like that’s me i’m decaying

right you know i’m like my body is

morphing and

changing good but

i look better than that dude yeah

that looks like hugh hefner

hugh hefner

right there

yeah yeah that’s an old man words like a 60 year

old man by the way we’re looking on youthstream he has

all his videos and channels

his name is

wytr on youthstream and

it says wytv bro

wytv you know here’s i

think that’s just one of them that’s on

i mean i think

you can watch the actual charlie sheen

one on charlie sheen’s channel this is the guy who’s

re competent

what it looks

like but this one almost has a million views so does

it yeah this

might be it okay

maybe it is it but here’s what disturbs me

look at the

pointiness of a

shoulder yeah look at the bones yeah that’s weird he’s

dying he’s dying yeah

that’s real

you know he’s

dying and he’s winning

yeah he looks like he looks like

steve jobs right there yeah

does he need a liver

transplant yeah

maybe that’s what it is

maybe that’s why he has all

those whores in his

house he’s like

matching up

matching their organs

i’m on to you bitch he’s

charlie check

him out i used to say that about

dick cheney

dick cheney probably has like

seven secret service

agents but only six are real circuit service

agents one guy is just some dude

who’s got his

blood type yeah

waiting harvesting dick channey

to die so they’re

gonna cut this dude open like a fish

harvested one

guy behind the

truck with ice in it

it’s ready to

throw the heart in there while it’s

still beating

what blood type are all

those whores

do you guys know what

blood type you are

i don’t even know what

blood type i am i

think i have like

cat blood type or something cat

i’m all positive

dana de armond’s the only one here that’s not high

she was scared

she didn’t want to go deep

nervous i am a little nervous it’s

very hard to be in the same room with people who are

professionally

funny because

i’m not funny i

could just fucking

open my ass and like accept a huge cock

you know and

everything will be okay

things will pan out for me

everybody will like you

yeah they will say

way to go yeah

cause i can fall back on just you know being pretty

enough you don’t have to

worry about anything

just be yourself

you don’t have to be

funny you don’t have to be just

but i’d like

to cause i like to be impressed

you are but

you know what no more than you have to be like the

the beautiful

thing about this podcast for real

is that it’s like a conversation you know it’s like

what people get a chance to see is it’s like

you get an in on

an interesting conversation you know so just i like it

so you’re all good

that’s you just be funny oh

thanks but you are you are

funny and if you

haven’t seen that clip it’s very

funny have you ever thought

about doing comedy um

i don’t know

cause it’s kind of hard

because i’m like already

social and marginalized by being a sex worker

and then people kind of

expect you to

be like sexy

and then i already had this conversation with brian

about female comics

and how it’s

like that’s already

you’re kind of

a rung down on the ladder because you know

my boyfriend my period my cats you know kind

of stuff and

it’s really hard to get out of that it’s

that is a business is very hard for women

and somebody like me coming in

like being pretty and being a porn star

and you know being like having a dirty

mouth or whatever i feel like i’d be kind of

painted into a certain corner of being

expected to how can you be

painted more than you are already

i know that’s what i’m saying but as a porn star how

could be in a female comic

which is i mean arguably

the general consensus it

would be a notch

many notches

above on the social ladder like how

would it possibly

fuck you up by being

funny as well as doing what you already do

maybe i’m just afraid of failing i don’t know

could be that

right i mean

it’s very intimidating like i do

like you comedy

bits for videos and

stuff like that

and people kind of always call me because they need

like a pretty girl or a

naked girl or someone will do full frontal

and whatever and i also

for and i get jokes and

stuff like that but

you know i don’t know

if i can just be like here are my

series of jokes and then try to like

change it from you know

i feel like i

would have to fall

back on being a porn star for the basis of my comedy

which is something

that is kind of counter

productive to

what i do as a porn star because i sort

of market myself as

a girl next door in a normal person

mm hmm you know so it

would be like folded in on itself no it

would i really don’t think it

would because you

would just be yourself on stage

i need that noise

you do need it right

maybe we’re not

i think i think what you said

you’re right

i don’t know

i just reading your

tweets i think

you’re fucking hilarious and even if you just took

what i do is i usually think of a

tweet that i really like and then i try to

write a little

story around that

tweet is that pretty much is like the meat of the goal

or the i’m sorry

boys i open that up so we can see what

we’re doing

just in case yeah

but that’s like the meat of a joke

you know like a

tweet it pretty much is the best part of a joke usually

you know so i

think you would be really good at it just

based on your

on your what a

tweet is is just

140 characters just writing material

you know it’s just it’s just

and and not

and not that’s the beautiful thing

about it sometimes it’s just

whatever the fuck you

think about anything

you know like i was talking

about like i

made a tweet last

night that i was

watching this charlie

sheen thing and then he

sounds like hunter s thompson

he’s got this crazy

i was against

him boys you know he’s got this

crazy nutty

gonzo thing

going on i’m like wow this is

weird like now i’m stuck

like is that like a drug

thing it’s not like you just go too far over the edge

and you just

you know everything’s firing all fucking goofy

is that what it is

well charlie sheen has been

famous pretty

much all his life and he was like born into a

famous family too

so i mean that kind of sets you back a little bit to

begin with because you’re already

scrutinized

being watched pretty

closely and you’re

in a bubble because you’re rich sure from

the moment you’re born

basically yeah

what stand up comedy

makes you do

is be real as fuck

you can’t fake it

you can’t pretend

something’s

going on it’s not

going on you know what’s happening is happening

when you’re talking

about something

you better be actually

thinking about something are

those little animals out there gonna

smell it uh huh

no and it’s not

gonna work like me

fucking happy heckler

i’m the worst

yeah you heckled mike

young i know it was so

funny though

it was entertaining to like the

11 people that were there well listen mike

young needs it

gosh he’s bald he needs

it just as long as you don’t do that to anybody good

and don’t do it just

cause someone’s bombing

sometimes we

bomb when we’re trying to work something out

like when you i

can tell when

people are working

things out i’m sure you can i’m sure you

you just felt insulted by what mike

young was selling yeah

i know that feeling he was like peeing on my

shoes and telling me it was raining

it was yeah

it was miserable yeah well you

can you can you know guys can go down a bad road you

know and then he was like hey i see you you have bangs

and i was like just

nailed it burned

what the fucking bangs what are you doing with

those oh yeah

you can come do a

it’s allowed

you can come do

a joe’s show tomorrow if you want to do a five

minute set reading your tweet

we’re doing a show tomorrow oh yeah

before i even

this weekend is comedy and magic club

so this friday and saturday we’re at the comedy and

magic club at hermosa beach and

tickets are

there’s still some left but not much

and then next week friday

night we’re

going to gotham

beat me and

the wild jew

in gotham at a

nice feeling

a flashlight

and that’s next

next friday night

yeah and then wednesday tomorrow we have

sal’s sal’s comedy hole

in la tom segura

christina and

a lot of people eliza

schlesinger

should be there too

a lot of people are

going it’s gonna be really fun

and that’s a

great place to fuck around

i came up with two new jokes last time i was there

just on stage yeah that’s awesome

cause it’s such a little intimate

environment and

everyone knows that it’s like you’re there for that you

know it’s like

everyone knows that

i do my material but

i’m really there to do my

i wanna entertain you but i also

wanna like go down

crazy roads and see what happens right

completely free ball

and you can’t do that in a big crowd

you need to

do that in like an eighty seat or a ninety seat or

then you just you really know what’s

funny and what’s not

yeah you can’t get off any

tricks in an intimate environment a really

small room you can’t get off any tricks

it’s like it’s either funnier it’s not you know

and it’s very

truthful you know

and you could do that i’m telling you you

could do it so

when you’re talking about not

wanting all

these other

things like not wanting to be to me

you’ve already managed to

avoid that in the most demeaning job possible

yeah i guess i have

seriously i mean it depends

i don’t feel like it’s that demeaning i

think there could be

fuck anyone that

judges anyone that

judges anybody that’s not hurting anybody

if anybody does not hurt anybody whatever you’re doing

how weird it may be

that’s what

makes you happy

i’m brainwashed

or maybe i need to be rescued or

maybe i just i was raised in properly

or you know or i’m so

gonna be heathen

or something that i’m just you know i need the

right person to slap some

sense into me because

i think that because

for most people that’s the case

for most people in your business that’s the

case i mean it’s not an irrational reason for them to

think i mean there’s a

percentage it

doesn’t account for all variabilities

there’s a lot more

variables variabilities

there’s a lot more variables it

doesn’t count for all of them

and there’s people can be you know into all kinds of

things for no fucking reason

and to say that it’s all from abuser

so you were

happy growing up

happy person yeah very

you know mom dad brother

cats everybody normal shit just really open

about sex in your

house like how did you become so uh

i don’t know i was like

i’m weird and i’ve always been

weird like i

asked my mom

what was i like when i was a kid and she was like

pretty much exactly the same way as you are now just

shorter and i was like okay

been like this kind of

neurotic silly person for a very long time

and i never had like any sex talks with my parents i

think at a certain

point they were like it’s really normal to

experiment with

sex and drugs but you probably shouldn’t

drink and i was like well i’m

gonna go get

drunk cause if my parents

think that drugs and sex are cool

they must suck

or be nerdy or whatever like i think

i kind of went alex

peketen on them

right little

little flip

man that’s something you got to really be

aware of when you’re raising

kids you can’t just tell them what you want them to do

right no you

don’t yeah you

gotta kind of

figure out a way to trick them

trick the little

monsters yeah

yeah so you just

gravitated towards the alcohol to be a rebel

yeah i was like

a really bad

drinker when i was younger and i went through phases

where i would

not drink at all but then

pick right up and

be a drunk person

until i was like 23

wow yeah i was just like

and like sucks oh

i mean i wasn’t like

super interested in it like i had boyfriends

and stuff and like my parents

never tried to make me feel bad

about sex but

the men that

i was with always did like they made you feel bad

about it and what

about like how many

people i’ve

had sex with or like what i’m into or whatever

and i was just like

i always found it to be

pretty strange so i guess

like my parents

raised me to have good

ideas about sexuality

but really it

wasn’t really

pant like laid out

for me in any way well for

men you know you want to know how many partners because

then the likelihood of her leaving you becomes assessed

like how long she will that is

such a sensitive

thing to say

which i think is really interesting because i

think that a lot of people

would say you know

you know to see if

she’s like a whore

or slutty or if she’s like diseased or whatever

she’s gonna get me

herpes there’s that too there’s that

feeling that she’s not special but

i think that’s pretty

yeah pretty interesting well

you’re gonna

give your love up to

a girl yeah well what the fuck is

you’re an accumulation of all your

experiences sexual or

whatever the fuck you wanted i mean

maybe you made me

the only problem

is it becomes like you find out about like

trains that were run on her and like how many times

damn bitch like how many gang bangs three fuck

you know then you start

thinking how can i ever think that

that’s weird

sex is special

between us you know

how can i ever

think that uh

that this is a

this is for

real it’s worthy

of my love real shit yeah it’s not what i see in the

movies you know

it’s not what i see in

sandra books movies

sandra book

never gets a

train run on her

you know she

doesn’t go to work you get i mean

she probably

come home and

want to cuddle

with you so she

could fucking do whatever now no yeah not for a woman

she can go full they can vanish

she’s on the verge of vanishing already

she’s 40 years old 43 years old something like

that she’s so cute she is very cute but i mean

you’re not gonna

want to see her as she’s 60 in a romantic comedy

about a woman

trying to find her way

and she coaches

a bunch of black guys that are

playing football and she

learns about

like milf like and the that blind side

maybe she was a little bit of a

like a mom not like a

girlfriend yeah

or sexy boss

it’s so funny how we

identify with someone who’s

going through some crazy

strife on television

crazy crap she

doesn’t deserve that she seems nice enough

but i do wonder why she was

married to that

jesse james

yeah that seems

weird completely

tattooed all over the

place what is that

about i never really

understood that

is that like they both

enjoy cocaine

or something or

he’s a charmer

charmer there’s some guys are charmers

and i think

he was very obsessed with being

famous listen to me i’m like i’m fucking

nancy grace

what we have here is a charmer

he’s a bullshit artist and he’s

getting this girl to believe him

now we have a dead baby in florida

that’s all bitch

talks about

there’s a dead baby in florida nancy

grace is on that shit

you will look for this

story on cnn com

you will find nothing

here we have the

mother come home from work

buy cigarettes with the baby in the car

i know i love it

she hates casey anthony

so much who’s

casey anthony she like killed her

daughter kaylee anthony

and why was she here

seems cool but no but like the

thing is she’s not like

ever trying to present

herself as like an impartial news person she’s like and

casey anthony

they will figure out the

truth about you

cause you murdered your baby

she was like

i said he’s

right there biased

well she’s not

a lot she’s not supposed to be a news person

she’s like a

discussion person

no but she’s a former prosecutor

like that’s the

interesting part of it

she’s got figured out

that’s crazy

thing is like when she’s when she’s talking about

tiger woods like whoa whoa whoa

settle the fuck down hooker

i thought you were all

about dead babies in florida

what are you doing

about black athletes that like the fuck

like really

you’re gonna you’re

gonna spend

three weeks

working on black athletes that want to fuck

like really

who are these girls where do they come from

how did they get his phone number

well nancy grace nancy grace would love you

if anybody could use some black cock it’s nancy grace

i could see her enjoying it

couldn’t you i pay for that i could see her enjoying it

i can see her getting stuffed

somebody just finally fucking

treating her like she’s really sexual and hot for

like the first time in 20 30 years

ugh she’d get into it big man dingo

ebony sword sword yes no sorry enunciated the w

sword oh you’re such a dad

see that’s fucking comedy

right there that’s

timing you could totally be a stand

up comedian

there you go dude you

could totally do it i’m telling you

we’re just saying for

real comics and

comics and porn stars are very very similar

we all come from some fucking

weird place where

we didn’t get what we were supposed to get when we were

young and there’s a hole

and you fill that hole

up however you want with jokes or with dicks sticks

it’s the same thing

there’s room for both

my whole life yeah

i’m telling you

could do it

you could fit hands in there and shit

claps people can clap

you got five minutes tomorrow at

sal’s comedy hall

oh my gosh you don’t have to do it no pressure

you don’t wanna

fug look what happened with her with drinking

can’t do that

you can’t push her in a direction she’s

gonna push back

i’m gonna take your bullshit

so he’s psychology

yeah man he’s fucking trying to

trick you i saw the funniest

photo of you she has by the way she has an

obsession with

trannies like she

like is addicted to trannies

i saw this big

black giant

seven she like

seven two seven four something

she was giant

was that a huge girl

she is so funny how is it she was that even a turn on

that i just thought she was like

really owning her shit you

know she just like

work in the room like it must be fucking like i’m five

eight and i feel like i’m a little bit too tall

you know you’re five

eight yeah i can feel

tranny like sometimes

i’m in touch with my

inner tranny

inner tranny my

masculine side

my masculine

feminine side

they have a

pussy boner

it’s a fembone

fembone or lesboen

depends what it’s for yeah

i don’t know

what is that

i don’t know

just making a word

what are you guys talking

about no but i’m why

is it terrible time to get your balls caught in your

pants and you have to adjust

this conversation is

going on like the last

thing i want is anybody to

think that i’m getting hard

right now but i’m

shifting in my

pants because

i’m sitting on

my ball pants

photo moment

i’ll put a black

bar over you talking about like

boner something and i’m

like god damn it i do have to adjust my balls i’m with

terrible timing

i’m very obsessed with rupaul’s drag race i’ve been

watching it for all

three seasons and i really like the drag

drag queens i used to hang out with drag

queens a lot when i

what’s the obsession just

you find it cool or just

like when people are just really being themselves

right even if it means like

dressing as a different gender

or whatever it’s just

because that’s like what they feel

right it’s very ambiguous and i really like that

why not right

yeah why the fuck not like i used to go out in

like pulling drag looks with drag

queens in florida and i like

blended in with them

because they thought you were a big woman

they thought it was like a dude

dressed as a girl a girl

dressed as a dude

dressed as a girl like

some pretty

next level inception

type of shit

it’s the next level shit

yeah your hands are too

small and your feet are too small

my aura dude

you were really one of

those people that was supposed to be born a woman yes

you know wow

that would be the worst

so it’s way better to be a

woman who looks like uh

might be a tranny

than a dude who looks like a

woman but those

trainees that are like the

like girl like

they’re like

jeans are just messed up and they just

ended up with a dick but they’re like really more women

right they have like a

whole different

like if they want to do

trainee porn

they it’s a very

niche and they look more like women

than like someone that

maybe started

transitioning

later in life or that was more

masculine right

and so it opens our door to like be like the best

transsexual prostitute

or porn star or whatever like they

could really

like cash in on that

you know if people really want

to make their sas

so is it possible to compete

who’s the best tranny

yeah they like

tranny awards

bailey bailey jay got the best

transsexual performer you like

follow the tranny i

do yeah she’s addicted

she’s addicted

tranny follow me and i follow them back and well

they call me and i

think they’re just hot girls they’re probably just

happy that someone accepts them you know

yeah i think

any why shouldn’t anybody

except in joe rogan you’re

right exactly i

think there’s a

broad spectrum we learned

something here today

there’s a huge spectrum and all i care

about people

thought they

were gonna hear

about like that fighting

stuff or like

fucking stuff

and we’re teaching people real psh

values yeah

well that means that’s what this thing is

about this is just a conversation yes

you know we it’s

so easy to judge

people valuable

what’s easy

to get confused and we

naturally gravitate towards teams

and if you’re not on team

dress like a guy

all of a sudden there’s something fucked up about you

but if you’re a fucking guy who really loves

dressing like a chick

who the fuck am i

right who’s anybody i say there’s something

wrong with that i

kinda dress like a guy and i’m why not lady

girls dress like guys all the time i

never have a problem with it

i mean i don’t

wanna dress like a woman

but i don’t give a shit if you do every time

hillary’s hot

who hillary

swank i think she’s hot

every time i

dress like a guy someone goes

you look like hillary swing

i think she’s hot

just like a dude i

think hillary

like i’ve heard dude say that they

think she looks like

a man i’m like i don’t know

maybe you need to get a certain

amount of man in you you mean it be a certain amount of

masculine to

appreciate a beauty like

hillary swag

which is a little on the manly side

yeah but i never even thought of

that before

you you need to be more dominant

more masculine than her handsome

woman yeah you don’t want to

be like a frail man and you want to fuck hillary swag

she’ll mount you and ground and

pound you i

feel like i’m

i am actually probably more

masculine than hillary swank the person

i would have to see the two of you together because

when you see someone in real life like people always

tell me when they meet me goddamn you’re so fucking

short like i

never thought you’re that short

no it’s true how

tall are you five

eight but on tv

yeah but on tv

you know you look big you know you’re on

television then

these people meet me and they’re like

towering over me

and they’re like you know like you meet a guys like

six forms ago i thought you were fucking taller like

you don’t know

what anybody’s like to actually meet that

right i mean you have to you’d have to see

like i’ve met

celebrities that i thought were like

these big people and there’s

these little tiny people

and look at conan o’brien i

never knew he was that tall

yeah he’s very tall

he’s very tall

which i’m sure makes it awkward

when he does his show because he

towers over all

these people and he wants to be unassuming and you know

you know it’s it’s interesting thing so

who’s more manly you were hella rich

right she’d have

to be sitting

right next to you

probably because when

she did million dollar baby and she played the boxer

she look pretty fucking manly

all right she was

but she was yoked

do you remember that i

could work out if i didn’t love not working out so much

right but she already did

it she already

did it so i’m pretty sure she’s more

masculine than you i don’t know

look if you were together

right next to each

other and she

buff doesn’t mean they’re like

masculine the

fuck it doesn’t

yeah it does

it’s all directly related to how difficult it

would be to rape you

that’s what exactly

that’s what it is

you look like you’d be

a tangle like god damn i can’t even get hard

because i gotta fight

for my life here i’m feisty if a man feels like he

could just absolutely run away with you

like i’ve done

porn and i’ve like

tortured people on

their balls i don’t

think i would have any

problem like trying to like

punch someone in the face or rip

their eyes out

or kick them in the dick or something of course you

might i’ve been like very

aggressively

sexual towards men and

shame them right so

i feel like that would

be an advantage

over rapists

nobody try to rape me

cause i can kick your dick

and ball all i’m saying all i’m saying is

are you trying

to get people to rape me i’m not saying you know your

father should

rape you i’m

not saying that no

please don’t rape dana

there i say

please and if you

think about it

please stop

thinking about it

yeah it’s not

what i’m saying is

that’s when a

woman becomes manly looking

when she looks how different

it’s very rude

it’s very right it’s so inconsiderate

it’s so inconsiderate

i want to fuck you even if you don’t want it

this girl i was talking to the

other day on

she said she was raped twice

and i’m like i’m like

which one was the better one oh no

dude write that down

write that down that’s a bit

that’s a bit

i think if you had to choose one

which one was you

gotta do that tomorrow night it

sounds a hundred percent that is a bit no doubt

about it that’s really

funny i think it’s really funny

some people

unlike the bts of porn

movies they’ll try to be like

you lose your virginity

and some people just full on is like how old were you

you say bts

yeah the behind the

scenes footage

okay i didn’t know that industry talk oh

sorry that’s from

that’s one for our size i wasn’t even

one zero i thought you were saying like a message

board like a bbs oh

like the little behind the

scenes footage

people are like

how old were you

when you were do they show you guys like douching and

cleaning your body i

always try to

trick people into like

watching me pee and douche and

stuff because they’re not really supposed to film

like peeing

no because like the

tribunals have like a problem with it well

it might be like being on people

at some places obscene

but i did a

movie called girls live for vivid alt

restricted by ema

chi and it had

a girl taking a pregnancy test and she peed on it on

the toilet and they can show it because it’s like in a

medical environment it’s yeah like a normal environment

like pee pee

goes in the toilet

not in dana’s

mouth the person’s mouth

i saw that’s what you

think i saw a guy piss in someone’s mouth live

is really funny i

think it’s funny i

think it’s more hilarious than anything that

you know somebody

like they want to jack off to the

movies and i want to see

naked people and they want to see some

weird shit but then also kind of

want to laugh

i but i saw this in a

rock and roll

show it was

a guy that used to do it called extreme elvis

and he was oh yeah i met him

i met him yeah he’s buddies with doug stanhope

and doug was opening up for him at this bar

and guy goes up there he’s

fat as fuck and he’s a really good singer like he’s

really good

and the band is tight

you know it’s not just a

bizarro show

and then the guy takes his

clothes off and he

goes kind of

michael phallus

a complete micro phallus i mean it’s

like to the

point where people are

laughing and staring i believe it’s

still up on my website i believe i took a

picture of his dick

and and he’s pissing in this

woman’s mouth

he goes who wants directly

getting pissed

let’s go i do i do and

she gets any

and i took pictures of the

whole thing i took

took pictures of him

pissing in her mouth

pissing in a

glass she drinks the

glass like is

fucking crazy

he climbs off

stage and he’s in the

crowd and some

woman tries to

stick a beer bottle up his ass

he can like pee on

cue yeah some

woman tries to

stick a beer bottle up his ass

and he goes

that’s the wrong holes

right here get it

right here like he helps her

stuff this beer bottle up his ass

and she panics and just drops the bottle whoa

she panic like she thought she would

stick her beer bottle up this guy’s ass and he would

freak out like hey what the fuck

right he goes you get the

wrong hole honey

right here i’ll

guard you in there

and he starts helping her

stick a fucking beer bottle up his asshole

but that’s how

deep this guy’s

ready to go yeah

so i run into him i mean i

think that’s art

i run into him so fucking

like paul bends a show

i run into him at the pop of end

the show and now he’s no longer extreme

elvis and i

think he’s like

playing sober now

he used to get hammer

yeah fuck before he did that show

and you know i was talking before i’ve met him before a

while ago like at the

bright spot or something and i was talking on the paul

pendes show about

a guy that i used to know

who was a male feminist

that’s how he

would describe himself

as a male feminist

and it was just it was just as like really sad weak guy

and yeah seems

kinda like subby

yeah it was very subby

and he was this

guy like this really like a bag of jello as a

human being he was just like

and eventually she left him and

so anyway i was mocking this

whole idea of like how the fuck

could you be a male

feminist and

after i get off

stage he goes well i’m a male feminist

and i’m like oh wow i

would love to debate you on that like we

should do some tv i’m like

you just said it

you just said exactly what i said like

a fleshy ball of of jello with a

micro phallus

and you’re a male

feminist well of course you are

you have to lady well

basically you know no offense

you’re you’re a bad

motherfucker at what you do when when you do that

crazy elvis thing

but like you know talking

about being a

feminist like be whatever the fuck you want to be

but you can’t tell me it’s not ridiculous

you’re you’re like really into the female

of the species like you’re really like

thinking of them

first like what the fuck you talking about

how about being a goddamn human

how about being a

human across the

board sexually

whether it’s male female gay straight

tranny who gives a shit

how about being across the board

not a fucking

feminist you dumbass

you can’t defend that when you only

wanna help women

you only wanna

promote women

you fucking weak bitch

that’s weak shit

that’s weak i don’t even call myself a feminist

i would say

i’m not a feminist

because those are

things i can get on

board with and whatever

but you know there’s so many different

waves of feminism

that people will come behind you and just be like nah

and just grouping

everything together

stupid to begin with

yes all groups are stupid you

know all of it anything were you looking out for what

you can’t fucking fix the

world i mean

there’s some

things you have

to have like you have to have some sort of a

and a group that’s there to investigate

claims of racism

when it comes to jobs and

stuff like that i mean you have to have

some groups

but as little

as possible

that’s good sure yeah

as little as possible

as little goddamn

groups as possible yeah that’s the key

you know people get on fucking team

mentality mode

and they start just going

after i’m on team straight

i’m on team queer

you know i’m on this i’m on that

they can’t help it i like it i like it all

just everybody’s gotta

lighten the fuck up

right tina yes isn’t that the key

to this world

when people say that weed

could could fix the

world probably that’s like

for real it sounds

silly it sounds

silly coming from a fucking comedian and a pornstar

and a video comedian but

we for real

obviously so

maybe people

will listen to us

cause maybe we’re

a little bit

more informed

i read this post on a message

board the other day

about this dude who talked

about he had smoked pot

for the first time in like

seven years

and he was absolutely terrified to his core

and then it brought up all these

crazy thoughts of

childhood and he

could not handle it and it

opened up this fascinating

discussion because

you know some

people are saying that’s normal some people

are saying well you got some shit you got to deal

with is fucking with you in the back your head and you

and your sober life you’re not addressing it but

that’s why weed

is good for you

you’re supposed to look at

everything all the time

and a lot of us don’t

we like to bury shit in the back of our head

and try not to

dress whatever is fucking with us

and we just turns a

light on that shit

whatever you have in your life is fucking with you

that you’re trying to put deep in your subconscious

marijuana does not

allow that it

doesn’t allow it

so people say oh it makes me paranoid

no it’s making you

think about the shit you need to be

thinking about

you should be fucking paranoid

you should be

aware of how vulnerable you are the

world is very fucked up yes

i had to like move because people were

stealing my mail

when i lived in silver

lake i had to like move to a high security

building i couldn’t

do they knew

where you were

yeah fans like that’s

and i was like i did

think i was paranoid but i was like no

these people

are for real like know who i am and it’s kind of trippy

did you have a

happy childhood you

think oh yeah

absolutely really

i my parents were involved in

everything pta

girl scouting i was figure skater

they say finger skating

how does how do your parents

deal with what you do now

um i don’t know if

i don’t know if they deal with it i don’t

know it’s not really something that’s just a non issue

it’s a non issue

yeah really

they’re like no big deal you just having sex on film

yeah wow that’s fascinating pretty much

but they also see that you know i have a reasonable

amount of following and fan base and people who

appreciate what i

contribute to the porn industry besides just being like

just your personality three warm

holes yeah and a

bunch of fake hair

it’s you know just

so you contribute being your personality and your sense

of humor yeah yeah definitely

but my parents respect my decisions which is

maybe kind of a very foreign concept for most

people because for a

lot of people people’s parents

tend to you know tell them what to do and

my parents are opposite they told me like

were they religious at all

no well that’s the reason my parents are religious

yeah because

what is their background

oh man my grandmother is from germany

and i don’t

think that my mom was raised with a religion

my grandmother was like a new agee

what does your dad do for a living whatever

my dad does

kind of weird shit like

he works without a catering company now

but he was like an on site

security manager

storage facility

and he used to be a ceo of

a software company and he quit that to be a fish farmer

and then he like went to like

ranch cattle and oklahoma

like my dad is kind of all over the place wow

that’s kind of cool though my dad is like kind of like

genius at free spirit all

all sorts of

things but like for that

amount of time you know

you just like yeah he’s like

turbo thruster like

why not man

shouldn’t you be

able to just

fucking change careers

in your life my

dad does all the time

and my my mom works at

a company that makes

stuff to blow up

brown people

in florida wow

like a missile company

like some arms some form of arms yeah

doesn’t have to be

brown we might jack some yellow people in

north korea sure

keep talking shit

keep talking shit

but rice eating

motherfuckers we got some shit for

your ass hey

my mom has been like in her job for a really long time

bunch of people got mad at me

in this mma

forum because i

there was we were in kentucky

and there was some

fights going on and this kid who was a wrestler

was fighting this

other guy who was a kickboxer from italy

and he lives in america

but there were

chant usa usa

and i was like really kentucky

mike that guy lives in miami

we’re all immigrants

everyone in this fucking country

descended from immigrants

no one was here

10 000 years ago it was all ice you fuck

that’s the whole deal with america

this guy actually lives here and you’re yelling usa

and people were like saying like

there’s nothing

wrong with patriotism and

you’re enforcing your beliefs on

other people i’m like no i’m making fun of shit

i think it’s

stupid you know

you’re being

colored commentary

silly you’re yelling at usa what you just

watch these guys for

their goddamn technique

and their courage

and what the fuck they’re trying to accomplish

and the difficulty

of the task is a

great goddamn

fight between this all american wrestler

who beat phil

davis and ryan

badass badass fucking wrestler

and this italian

kickbox who’s trying to get his ground game together

a great fucking

fight and these dildos usa

usa spit all over the back of the person’s head in

front of them this

dumb fucking

mouth breeding cocksuckers

you know and they get mad at you for being

upset at it how else did you feel about that

your time over in kentucky because i

grew up around there and

going through kentucky

was always a fun time

louisville is

great dude louisville

is a great city

yeah the comedy club is fucking fantastic

the people there are super cool

the people that worked there were

super cool it’s like

it’s got this

weird southern

sort of the bite like almost hippie

thing going on there’s like a lot of like

young people there

there’s a lot of

like open minded people there and there’s a lot of old

money and then there’s a lot of ghetto

yeah so it’s this

weird combination of shit

no not lexi not

louisville really

louisville’s old

money it’s like it’s a rare part of the south

where it’s like there’s a lot of

really established

social clans and groups and

socialites a lot of

money like really old

money down there

but a lot of educated people too

but they’re on that show the

first 48 they’re on that show all the time

oh yeah it was getting

jacked and louisville

you know i got

i got you you

verse or that

show shows real dead

bodies that’s so creepy that’s dark

i watch isn’t it

weird that you can show

you know anybody getting shot in a movie

but you can’t show people really fucking yeah

it’s amazing or like a a

woman experiencing

sexual pleasure it’s like

okay if it’s like the dude going oh

but like not can of a guy

can have a girl having an orgasm it’s very

not done yeah

right does it ever happen

yeah you never you

never see like the girl coming

it’s always no

even if it’s the guy

like even like

when howard

started the

private parts and the girls like on the speaker

like having an orgasm

howard was making the noises and

stuff i remember that was so

shocking when that came out like that was so

yeah when that

movie came out fuck yeah that was hot

when she’s sitting on the

speaker and he’s going

microphone she’s going

yeah that was

that was cool

that’s interesting that it’s not

thought of as being very important if you come

because it’s all leftover barbarian

shit and we used to hold you down by your hair and just

shoot a load in you and run away oh

that’s what it is

that’s how people made babies back then

that’s gross

it is gross

but it’s the reason why men are

stronger than women why aren’t you strong too

you’re not strong too so we can rape you easier

it’s really that simple

there’s no logical

reason why you wouldn’t be like oh my god made me tall

we’re stronger to fight off

other men that wanna fuck you and kill the babies

that’s what we’re strong for that’s totally right we’re

strong to rape you and to fight off other men it’s

you’re supposed to

know why she

would be strong too

why aren’t you

strong too those

guys wrestle each

other so they get all out of their system

instead of trying to

rape me this

is shit that academics haven’t even considered yo

that haven’t even looked into this

so deeply they’re scared because of

social constructs

all right we had

ra shafir on his podcast had a

guest that was addicted to

going to bathhouses or i mean massage parlors

to get laid did

he say his name no no no all right

did you have

a mom with a mask on yeah the spider man mask on oh

yeah dude i almost said his name yeah i know yes

but anyways

that was close

sorry this is live

maybe we should consider not having this live

even charlie sheen edits a shit

uh but so anyways

he i never knew like i always

heard the the hand job thing

where they said they say hand jobs but he was talking

about how there’s

places here in la many places

that he can get

just like fucking full on hooker sex what and he says

he’s gotten to the

point where he has

places that has favorite

places with his favorite he’s like

yeah this is like an la 10 at this one

place wow and it’s 150

and you just fucking there sit there and fuck

after you do a 15

minute massage

whoa and he

says i even

bring out the

women so they

can look like the

bunny ranch

where they all come

and say hi and

stuff like that

at massage parlor

is there a thing

where you can

get you a massage part of your

sex massage at the end

cause i think that

would be like more

relaxing yeah

right there comes

the wine down they give you a

legit massage and then they jerk you off at the end i

would take the massage at the end though the

crazy thing is i just really

yeah fast out the gate

and then i get

the wine down oh i see yeah

so you would go wow that’s interesting

for a guy i

think is the opposite

right give me the massage first

and then beat me off

don’t be yeah yeah

cause after you beat me off i just

wanna go away

yeah i’m done see ya

i don’t mean to massage that’s good i feel good

i’m loose you gotta go

when men have an orgasm there’s

a fucking instinctive

need that you have to overcome to just run

like you come

just get away

true in real life fuck the movies

in real life

when a guy comes i’m telling you he wants to run away

i mean you want to stay if you love your wife or your

girlfriend and

you you know you have this relationship together but

if you don’t if you don’t know each

other that well

and i’ll send you fucking like get me out of here

what have i done

i like to snuggle

snuggle sometimes

sometimes if you really love

but there’s a lot of times when you’re not

there’s a lot of times when you just want to run

especially if you’re

drinking you’re

drinking and

you know that somehow know you’ve had the alcohol

and your penis

to talk you into some unreasonable situation

and then as soon as you orgasm

that it just becomes

clear what the fuck happened

and then you want to run away

get me out of here

so what i’m trying to say is

it’s way better to get the massage first okay

he loosen you up then jerk off

you like we’re done we’re done here we’re done

thank you he also said that

how he got an

escort once and he was in this weird

like small town it was like

three o’clock in the morning and

he only had two options and like on the internet you

found like their websites

and one the

lady was already out doing something else but the

other one you

know like it

would show her eyes only

and then it will

show like her

leg or something like that because it couldn’t show the

whole thing

and so he’s like fuck it i

might do this and she had a really nice or

seemed really nice on the

phone or stuff

then she comes over

and it was like

she just had

stab wounds

her teeth were all fucked up and her

voice sound like pj stansberry

was like hey

come over here and

stuff like that

and he said it was so bad that

he would felt like

it was impossible to fuck this girl so then he goes

yeah i have this

thing that i like to do it’s where

you give me a blowjob i put a

blanket over you

while i watch porn

and she’s like all

right you know

and then afterwards she’s like do you mind if

i finish myself up you got me all hot and bothered and

so she just

puts one leg up over on and just

starts fucking masturbating oh

it’s called skeptic tank 2

ari shafir skeptic tank 2

death squad

i guess but listen to that

that’s so sad

i have a friend that has been addicted to going to

those massage polish forever and he’s

never had a

girlfriend as long as i’ve known him

yeah i’ve done him for

more than ten years

and more than ten years that i’ve known him

all this guy does

is he’s not a very good looking guy

and he’s not

built very well and he went bald really

young in life and he’s

never been successful

and just has

a real hard time he gets real nervous around chicks

so he just goes these

asian massage

places he just gets

whacked off

all the time yeah so a good percentage of like

it doesn’t make a lot of money

so the good percentage of what this guy makes

every week goes just getting

whacked off

and like he takes them out on dates sometimes

he was talking to me

about it once we’re playing pool and he’s talking to me

about it’s like

yeah well you know i’m taking her on a date this friday

what you gonna

okay all right

so like don’t

judge him joe i’m no no i’m saying do you

think is she

gonna be your boyfriend are you

gonna be her boyfriend like what’s what’s going on

like you guys gonna

yeah i’ll be a good romantic comedy

right there

wax off dudes all day

and then fall in

love with your

i felt like

this i felt like what

the way he was telling me it was almost like he had

talked her into doing it because

she didn’t want to lose him as a customer you know

times are tough

you know when you get that steady

700 a week coming from one dude

you know when you

think about it

yeah he just do it himself like

every other day or something yeah

couldn’t he

just fucking find a fat

chick with a mustache and just be like look

we can fuck each

other once a week

but i have to get really

drunk every time i do it

this is like okay

you can get jerked up by cute

asian girls what are you talking about

yeah he’s already

plateaued higher

his horizon

you don’t understand

human nature son

you’re talking some unrealistic nonsense

doesn’t work that way right anna

that’s right joe

back to you

and the traffic

today is sponsored by the

flashlights you totally can be like we’re looking for

entertainment tonight

right now we got you as a comic

and we got cam

yeah like cam

mary hart gotta

light my legs real nice oh that’s

right light

her legs up grease them up do they

she had a leg greaser for sometimes that seemed like

sometimes it

would go like mary

hart’s legs were just like greasy like she just had

banana oil all over her and shit like that

yes isn’t that

funny man oh my gosh well we’re

gonna have our own show

does that make

sense to you

being being a

woman being a

woman sing like men

like freaking out

about body parts

and seeing like that’s all you need like sell a car

and some woman with

slinky legs that like folds them over and gets in the

front seat yeah

everybody wants to buy that fucking cadillac

there’s pussy in that car

this is some

crazy what is

it like though to be a professional

woman like that to be a professional

sex symbol like dudes are

they look at you

and 99 of them

are thinking

about sex they’re

thinking about sex

that you’ve had

and what you’re selling if i

wasn’t in the business i’m in

i feel like

people would probably look at me that way anyway

no really yeah wasn’t

because i’m always

like i’m trying to talk it out with my co workers and

stuff and i’m like

i think this

guy just wants to fuck me because i’m a porn star

and then like manuel ferrari

looks at me and goes

no idiot they

wanna fuck you

cause you’re hot

and i’m like oh okay yeah

i mean anyone can

make up whatever backstory even if they’ve seen like

a digital image on

their computer or not people can

like when you see a hot girl you are have whole

your imaginations are run wild if i worked with you at

bath and body works i

would want to fuck you the

whole time i was at

body works exactly why

would i work at yeah

i am not myself

i’ve just this is information that i’ve acquired no

there’s nothing

wrong with it

what you said you’re being honest but it is honest

it’s also very

possible that he wanted to fuck you because he

saw you fuck people on film

right you know i’ve

never watched

oh i’ve watched her fuck

one time on film now

that’s fine

yeah i was just

i mean you can because

it’s not just like you have to stop looking at me

naked because we’re friends now it’s

just not the way that it goes that’s funny

there’s no social

taboo between you

watching porn

that i’m in just because we’re friends a lot of

people that i find in

porn it’s kind of strange there’s lines that they draw

you know there’s

very distinct lines like i remember this couple

that i met we were doing

the man show and this couple came on they were talking

about how they’re allowed to fuck

other people

while they work they’re both in porn

but then off work

you’re not allowed to just go

randomly fuck people right

i was like wow that’s a

that’s a weird distinction

like how do you how do you figure that one out

like you’re okay with them fucking whoever at work

but that was the

other thing

like one guy was on the set

and his girlfriend

started sucking

this guy’s dick when the camera wasn’t running

he’s like hey what the fuck

and he got all mad that’s

weird how crazy is that

i think that’s

weird how crazy is that

he’s like i work fucking you guys aren’t even filming

and she’s just sucking his dick

what what’s up what’s up i’ve actually

i’ve worked with people and have the same kind of

thing where it’s like

they can do whatever they want on camera but

the guy has to like

stroke himself

and he’s like getting

ready to go like the girl can’t help because it’s like

against their

it’s like maybe they

might be the same people i don’t know isn’t that

crazy but yeah

they’re socially monogamous

they have a rule

they have there’s a line that you draw well

i you’re allowed to fuck i used

to date a guy in the business

and outside of work we didn’t fuck around or whatever

no and he did some

things that i

found were questionable and

he was like there’s

a camera in the room and i was like you’re a fuck

that’s fucked up

that’s not the same

thing right

oh that’s hilarious yeah

just like one

doesn’t count no no

but i mean it just

your boundaries are your own and it

doesn’t matter

what you do for a living just because you’re a comedian

doesn’t like

no one’s allowed to tell jokes in my

house besides me

that’s just not the way that life works

you if you have a

like some kind of contract like

marriage or

you’re with

somebody and you say okay well we live together now so

like i don’t want you

sleeping with

other people even though i do porn for living

do you know

i’m saying it just because

that’s what you’ve arranged between the two of you

that’s a weird

thing though why arrange anything why why

make something that someone can’t do if you’re

allowing the most sacred

of sacred things

you’re allowing this person to fuck

other people

right on on film

why not just

allow to be themselves

why put any

boundaries just here come here at night and

and this is

where we live i don’t know

cause i don’t know if

sex is not that sacred to some people

maybe cause maybe like

the people that i work with

they don’t have my address

you know what i mean and

maybe that’s a little bit more my

privacy and my security

is more sacred to me than

the actual physical act of

sex that’s true

yeah that’s true it’s like pleasure is like

would you get mad

every time you masturbated to the

video or you know

no what i’m saying is why put a

boundary on it though

why put a boundary

and not necessarily i see what you’re saying

people are like letting

people with their

virgo and they’re just you

know they want

things to be a certain way

you know so they can be in

their realm of

confidence let

people do what the fuck they want to do

and find someone

who you’re compatible with instead of trying to

morph someone to your

expectations

that’s the number one problem with relationships

yeah people find people that are

incompatible with them and they try to make them fit

and it doesn’t fucking work that way

right one person’s a control

freak and the

other person’s anal

what if they don’t

what if they don’t want to do the

thing that they’ve agreed that they don’t

want to do you know like isn’t that compatible what

they’ve agreed

you had so many

negatives in there

sorry he took you down

to that level

what if their compatibility lies that they both

for what reason or another

think it’s okay to do porn but

outside of work they

agree to sleep with

only each other and if

they come to that together that’s

definitely a compatibility

sure yeah good

point yeah if they’re all

agree if they both are

happy and it’s not based

on necessarily judgment

or whatever it’s just

i’m not saying there’s anything

wrong with it i’m just saying it’s an odd

thing that you don’t have a boundary

on someone fucking people on camera

but you do have a

boundary with them doing it for pleasure

on their own right

with another person

because that

might be a motion

of what art is or what

right and it’s

also because

it’s understood when

you’re talking

about that right

exactly porn is acting

and athleticism

athleticism

is that what

they’re calling ass fucking

these days you

should spider

monkey i’m a

crazy person

and you know and it’s not comfortable

it’s it’s not for you it’s for the camera

it’s you know

and it’s hard to do something that does not feel good

and act like you feel

like it feels good to you

like you literally

get fuck sideways sometimes it really fucking hurts

do you ever

stretch it out before

shoots yeah i

do butt plugs and

stuff like that what is it

i don’t need to i have like a huge butt

right buttholes

humongous oh

is it easy for you to poop

is it easy for you to poop faster never poop

like can you just sit down and take care of it in like

three seconds and then just launch it down there

like spores coming off a mushroom

like a dandelion yeah

t shirt launcher

yeah yeah you have to have an airtight toilet

just have an airtight toilet she puts her

squeezes her legs together and covers her

snatch with her hands so that

shit doesn’t blast out through the bottom of her legs

oh my god it just blows out like a broken fire

just blame she’s hanging on

she has to take a shower every time she shits

this is the back of her legs looks like she went

skidding down a muddy hill

there’s no containing your shit oh my god

your assholes

like the lincoln tunnel

one man rose to dan

and darman it looks like

it looks like the back of

it looks like the back of your

shirt when it’s raining

outside and you’re on your bike and the mud is skidded

up the back of your shirt

you’re so immature

i’m laughing because i’m disgusted

not because

it’s hilarious i’m discussing it myself as well

it’s horrible so

no i know so

the but you’re not

you’re not into butt sex in real life and just

yeah i mean i am i

am are you good at sex in real life like is it the same

is it the same are you pretty i don’t

think i’m better on film

because i like to exaggerate my movement right

why don’t you do that in real life lazy bitch

are you very

stationary are you like i’m only on the top i like

to be held down and like smushed are you serious

down into tempur pedic bed yeah yeah well hey i got one

a little bit yeah makes sense

no not really

does it make sense

naturally genetically

you need a strong man to turn you on like being

you want to feel that if this guy

wanted to take it he could take it

sure that’s what it is it’s natural you’re big girl

not bad not in a bad way you are a good specimen

if you wanted to make warrior children you

would be a good specimen i

would warrior children with flexible buttholes

you have the perfect dna for it yes

is it hard to be to date people as a pornstar do

you find or is it like more of a challenge do you think

it depends on the person i

dated a guy a couple years ago and

when we met

like he knew what i did and

stuff like that

and i did not want to be involved with him and then

we started sleeping together

after a really

long time we kind of like warmed me down a little bit

and then after this

it was like kind of fucked up

we weren’t off to a good

start i’ll admit but you know i get

bored too so

after we had like started

dating or fucking

fucking and dating

he then like

looked at porn that i was in

and decided that he wanted to be a spaz

about it and be like i don’t know like knowing you do

those types of

things i don’t know and i’m like yeah you already

knew but now you want to be bothered because you’re a

drama queen

has nothing to do with what i do

it’s just that

you know the feelings were

feelings were

feelings were

also feelings were also getting you know

starting now before it was like zero feelings i just

wanna fuck you now it’s

starting to cut like love gets involved you know i

think that’s probably

natural but

the whole process of wearing me down is like i don’t

judge you like i think it’s

it’s like really

great because you’re really successful

and then i just

kind of like nose dived into like it’s ah

you do those

things i think

for a lot of men

it’s very important when

they meet a girl that they’re sexually attracted to

they want that girl to like them

and i think that is the root of a lot of bullshit

and the guys

don’t even realize they’re doing it it’s a genetic

thing it’s a

predisposition to wanting to be sexually attractive

and so they

start pretending to be someone who they’re not and then

they get into the relationship and then it’s a couple

months in and they’re

relaxed and comfortable and they’re like

why am i with this

crazy bitch

i’m not even into this and

yeah yeah it’s like

there’s a lot

of dudes that are just trying to put it together

like they don’t have the luxury

of like actually being honest

and trying to like meet someone that they actually like

they’re so caught up in the game of trying to fuck a

chick so difficult for them

that when they

finally get one they tackle or they get it in there

they’re like

got one good

okay what did i pretend to be doing to do this

i’m not a fucking

vegan i want a

steak shit yeah

wearing yoga

beads and stuff oh

there’s two

you know that’s hilarious

they meet a girl that’s willing to fuck them like once

every couple

months and they got to work hard to take it down keep

it going yeah keep

going so they

pretend to be someone they’re not i don’t know like

spinning plates just sex

each big deal

different lie what

we do together is love

that’s just a

movie you’re making

oh yeah that same

drama guy he was like

yeah i was like

being really depressed or something like that and he

he like wanted to

lay it on me like you can’t live inside your own pain

and i love you and i was like

get the fuck out of that

i was like you’re

creeping me out you’re being

weird i don’t know

where you heard that shit get

the fuck out of

where you heard that

is something you in here that’s something you

think out that’s

nonsense yeah i was like you’re full of shit

get out never come

back the worst delete my

phone number sexually unattractive

thing ever is someone is full of shit yeah

it’s just so

gross people are full of shit like

oh god it’s such a

such a bummer

you know when you hear

someone say

some nonsense and then you have to mock them

and then they get mad at you for mocking

them and then it all fucking falls apart oh

i used to date this girl who used to

write poetry and it was nonsense

nonsense it

was i mean it was her form of expression but it was so

clearly affected and

fake and just designed to like

fucking fire off all the

rights and it was just so artificial

so clear so

clear that it was just a bullshit that she was slinging

it was so offensive are you a poetry

snob though

you like a high quality property

i love bukowski you know what i love

about bukowski

and you know i

mean it’s a lot of his stories are like really dark his

little poet but

it’s a fuck what that guy’s

thinking about for real

that is his real life that’s what he’s thinking

that’s all i require

of an artist what

inflames me is when i

think someone is trying to pretend to be someone else

whether it’s a

human or a singer

or a comedian

or an actor

i feel like you’re bullshitting me

i feel like you’re bullshitting me it’s offensive yeah

you know you

treated me your fucking

crazy poetry hooker

insulting to your intelligent

you’re mad at me that i’m

laughing at this nonsense

tell us a horror

story from doing porn what’s one

thing that sticks out just you fucking like you

just awful experience

did you ever like say okay

never again

i used to do a lot of

like bdsm stuff

where i was a sub

that is okay

explain that to everybody who’s not crazy

that’s so mean

pdsm most people don’t have any idea what that means

bonded well it’s like sadomasochism

sadamas s and m

sadomasochism

and when you say a sub

you were the one that they

torture and

submissive and dominant

bondage and

dominatrix some shit like that yeah it’s like a code

i don’t know whatever

right it’s like being in the army

when you talk about it

yeah it’s like

extreme things we try to invent little

shortenings of them oh yeah so

yeah it would be like electrocuted and entitled bondage

and like you know

hit with different where

your nipples

everywhere nipples like in your body with like the

pads my pussy inside

my butthole oh my god like

while in like very strict bondage and stuff oh my

god whoa whoa whoa it’s very challenging you know

and it was something that was really

legitimately interesting

when i was in my early 20s and

it’s something that i thought that maybe

you know so i consider myself to be

kind of a tough person and i felt like

if i met these challenges it would

prove how tough i was

god damn yeah i don’t know shit

you got electrocuted inside your butthole yeah

what percentage of the population has ever been

electrocuted inside their but i don’t

know i mean they produce

like the tens units and i mean they’re sold like as

medical equipment

stuff like that

i’m sure fair amount of people have gotten

their hands on them you know

and so when you get your i don’t know the

i don’t have

the numbers what’s the

first thing you do you said well let me

stick this thing in my ass well there’s

bitch on see what’s up

was that nine volt battery on your asshole

well those people

are into like

sounding and sounding

like put a pitchfork

in your urethra

right when you’re

about to come

stick that nine volt

up your ass oh shit

get like iron man loads

i don’t think it works that way joe

you don’t know though oh

i think i do

it makes modem

sounds yeah a penis

it might make the guy shoot

longer loads if you

electrocute

his bottle i

think i’ve had more

experience with more

penises than you

what do you

got whoa whoa

you don’t know that there’s no

i’m more than willing to

submit to you on this yeah

i’m alphaing the entire room no me huh

so how long did this whole session take where they’re

electrocuting your vagina and your asshole oh man

it was a first site called wired pussy

calm and you do wired pussy wired

so it’s all electrocuting pussies there’s a site

it’s like it’s like

female on female subdom

and they electrocut each other’s pussies and they

play games like who can take the most electricity

or they’ll chase blindfolded and partially tied up

women around with a cattle prod

that makes noise and you could either

go toward it or away from the

sound but if you go away from the sound

just when i thought i reached

the bottom of the darkness

yeah no that’s like just

electrocute your pussy that’s where i

started have

you ever had your pee hole fucked whoa

have you ever seen

that ryan you’ve seen that what we talked

about this before yeah

there’s videos out there of guys fucking girls my

heels like really

small and it stretches just like your asshole i can’t

no i’m very sensitive in

oh my god really

don’t don’t say

never you gotta reach goals you gotta build

that one that’s fine

brian like modifying my body i went through a

phase of like piercing and

stuff like that when i was younger you have some

tattoo above the cookie

i do but i’m

having it removed and that is so fucking painful is

it really worse than any like butthole

execution i’ve ever gotten really

laser tattoo removal

is so painful

it like agitates the

ink molecule in your skin and makes it explode

and with each

treatment it gets

smaller and

smaller and

it metabolizes out of your body

right you have to wait a couple

months in between sessions just like

long enough that you

could forget how

much fucking pain you are in

you have to go and do it again

fuck that i’m just keeping waterfalls

just keeping

i got an old

tattoo on my

shoulder that i wanna

it’s around my

belly bleeding

i got a sleeve that i’m doing on my right arm

and i have an old

tattoo up here that i have to get removed you

gotta cover off

just just get

black really

big black box

but it’s just

black flag tattoo

how much how much

worse is it than the actual

tattooing it’s so much

worse cause you have to go like

twenty times

really and it’s like

and it’s like a just like a fairy

uh it’s like you

could feel like the impact of the laser

going into your skin

it feels like

being snapped with a rubber band really hard

it instantly burns and it makes your skin

swell up and

not when you get a

tattoo that kind of scratches the surface of your skin

when you get

lasered it’s like affecting the

color inside your skin so the

blood kind of seeps out like a sponge

yo i’m gonna wait

10 years i’m

gonna wait for the

technology to get a

little bit better

here you just turn me the fuck off to that

laser tattoo

don’t do it i’m thinking

about cooking my arm like that i’m like what am i doing

you could damage your skin

right no i mean it’s safe it

doesn’t scar

no that’s the

purpose of it being such a long slow process i mean you

could just cut it off if you wanted to

but i wouldn’t say that that’s the best idea ever

so let me ask you this if

wiredpussy com calls you

up next week and says hey we’re looking to do a shoot

are you done with that

yeah yeah i

would top i’ve gotten back

to be the dom

into torture

girls and torture

girls because i feel like i can confidently say i know

what i’m doing and i

wouldn’t do something to somebody else that i

haven’t had done to myself yeah

but look at what you’ve done to yourself i know what

it looks like

i know and if they’re not a badass

bitch like me then they don’t get to fuck me

would you ever do fart porn

yeah i fart all the time in my

movies in your

movies it’s just

like when you get fucked in the

ass like your butt is open and gaping is like the big

thing where they want to see

inc they want to

see your lore

colon they want to see it all nature

like yeah i don’t know

i don’t know why people like it they just do

and i you know and just whatever so like the air goes

into your chasm

and then you have to kind of fart it out

it’s not like i fart like i’m eating a

can of beans like a hobo and right

right like my farts

have you accidentally ever

sprayed no no i

think i’ve accidentally peed on people

at work and then be like i’m

squirting or whatever and

i don’t know what is

squirting exactly

is it really

when in the

movies were girls like

shooting all

right that’s

obviously you can see it coming out of her pee hole

right i’m assuming that a lot of people that

watch these

movies don’t know what

a vagina looks like or anything

and they don’t know that

where all the liquid

shooting out of the girls

vagina area or

her love zone

or whatever

nerds call it

but isn’t a

keyhole hey

but hold on a second

because that’s

where it would come out anyway because isn’t a pee hole

like literally when a

woman gets testosterone

treatment to become a man

her clit grows

to become like a

small penis

pussy boner and that the

penis is obviously

where any sexual ejaculate

would come out of

so of course it’s

gonna come out of

where you pee

i don’t really know what is it

is it real i mean this is like

i used to date

a girl that fucking juiced on me and it was like in my

belly button like a

puddle and it was not

it wasn’t pee though it was just it was like a broth

when the woman’s

vagina gets moist it’s not dripping

out of her pee hole it’s coming from inside i don’t

think this is moistening it’s not lubricant

that’s what

squirting is supposed to be

and when you

see it coming out of the pee hole

it’s p well

yeah but i think that it was supposed and a lot of

times we see like

this spider man

like trick that they do

when they like finger the

pussy and they like press

like on the outside spider man so you do

like when spider

man shoot his web

yeah this is like the

axel bronze

method i watched instructional

videos and i was like what are they doing

and they’re

basically just

like pushing on the bladder

and just forcing pee to come out

jesus christ what yeah

i mean that’s

exactly what it is like if you had to

force pee out of somebody that’s exactly how you

would do it

so that’s what all that

spraying is so there is yeah so girls are

spraying on dudes they’re pissing all over them

yeah unless they have like an extra

juicy g spot or something like that like i’m not

gonna say like i’m not

going to say

female ejaculations

and myth because i’m not a doctor and i can’t say that

i mean and you know

pussies get wet and some pussies are wetter than

others yeah

we’re talking to an

expert here dan de armon here live in

the not a doctor not a doctor colin now can you put can

you put a condom on a dick with just putting it in your

mouth and doing that trick i

know i cannot

even remember the last time i used a condom god damn

do you ever

worry about diseases

no i get tested

every three weeks yeah

so how do you keep

clean when you’re

because everybody

gets tested every

three weeks

right then you have

three weeks for a pornstar though

jesus christ

how many you don’t

do like sorry

dicks can you be exposed to well

like i worked with mark wood

twice last week so it’s like

the same same

winner same

same winner same week

you guys develop like a relationship when you have like

oh yeah on screen

yeah i mean

i i think the people i work with

are cool it’s not like i’m like oh like i’m so super

horny for you let’s do

things after this how

many of them like

he’s married

to francesca lay

you know they’re fucking awesome

and i know both of them i worked with both of them

how many of

the dudes that are in porn wanted to do mainstream

things but couldn’t

make it and have like some sort of a

weird thing

where they i don’t know

it seems to

be like a lot of guys are musicians

and they’re all like

trying to get together like a band with all the

other dudes because

sling and dick

they should call it

that’d be a badass name for a band

swinging dick

sling and dick but i don’t

maybe i’m a

i don’t know

maybe i’m just like oh i’m at work i’m doing my work

things but i didn’t really ask people too much

about their problems have you ever

worked with

tyler knight

yeah tyler’s a very good friend of mine

we were actually just both on star trek the next

generation oh really a triple x parity

digital 7 nice

and revolution x

coming soon and i was like a bitch and

he was jordi

yeah and i was she’s a huge

star trek fan i’m a nerd

i was stoked

i called my dad

and i was like i’m reading for the part of ensign roe

for the star trek parody

and he was like that’s so cool

and i was like no dad if i don’t get this part i’ll die

like super seriously like no i need

this has to be my part or i’m

freaking out

tyler is a friend of mine from jujitsu and

he’s a really good writer

have you ever read any of his stuff

no he’s got a blog online

and he’s smart

but he’s very

smart he’s such a

cool guy and he’s

smart and he’s very polite yeah

he’s very well

spoken he was on the podcast

we had him on and he’s

a very he’s

a fascinating dude but i already knew that from

talking to him at

jiu jitsu and

stuff but his writing is cool

great really interesting stuff and

his writings

about the porn business

he’s got this one

story that he wrote

about a gang bang

that is just like you fucking feel the loads on the

floor like as you’re reading it

you feel like the

sticky room you feel the heat of all

these guys behind me does a

masterful job

of describing this fucking incredibly gonzo bizarre

film that they’re doing there that you get paid

fifty bucks

and you wait in line you’re like one of a hundred guys

waiting to you know you’re jerking yourself

off as you’re getting up to this girl who’s just

covered in loads

there’s loads all over the ground

everywhere you walk there’s loads wet

it’s just like

slippery and wet

you’re stepping

ecom everywhere

it just loads

everywhere you go i’ve

never done one of

those there’s little signs that say

slippery when wet that they have to put up around the

woman yeah i got arrested

that would be awesome

who was the

first person to do that was it houston

was she the

first or the

woman i was born i

have no idea

it was probably before i was born

because the numbers

just keep going up

you know at one

point in time it was like the most people the

asian woman i

think she had sex with like 200

sex annabella chong

and she’s got

a fascinating documentary and like you

she’s very intelligent

she’s very unusual

she was i think she was a student at

ucla i might be wrong ucla

or usc but she was like she’s an intelligent person

and she just had this

weird desire to test the

boundaries of her

acceptable sexuality by

doing a gangbang film

but it was really interesting

it was because it was

you know they really like got into like her

psychology and who she is like that is a

complex sort of a fucking case

where this woman

wants to experience the

ultimate taboo

you know my

agent called me one time

and he was like what’s the most number of cock fuel

suck and one

like one time and i

was like i don’t fucking care you know and he was like

no how about eleven

i was like fine like what difference does it make if i

fuck eleven dudes

in the same day or

in pairs of

you know ones twos and

threes on well

i just imagine

after like the

third or fourth

giant black cock your numb

lips would start to get numb

in your head though is 11 cock

days that because you’re

like the same amount of time when you stretch your

mouth a little

like that shit would

that seems like it

would make your lips numb

yeah huge mouth

i do have a huge

mouth it’s good for my career comes in handy

now did you know that

you wanted to be a porn star when you were younger is

this no i i did am

actually did like part of this as like a bit

with the midnight

show go guys they did this is your life bob gucci oni

this is the midnight show guys was yeah you see be

okay you know how how

about nick and stuff and

i was like oh this is your life bob

guccioni and i come out and i’m like oh

i’ve been such a big fan of you for forever and stuff

because when i was

like in the first grade probably six years old i

found a stack of playboy magazines that were

in the woods

no they were my

uncles my uncle stayed with us part time

no there was out

there were just like out in his room

and i remember i took

i took one of those magazines to

school to first grade and i was like sure

this is what a naked lady looks like

you know i was like such a boy i was such a tomboy

when i was that age but i but even then i was like

this is like what a sexy lady looks like and

i want to grow up and this is you know

i want to turn out like this a sexy lady

like that’s kind of like that appealed to me

i thought wow

she’s gorgeous she’s all made up she’s you know

pretty and naked and thin

nice boobs you know and i was like

yeah that like really appealed to me were you attracted

to girls before you

started doing

movies yeah

and i also thought like

if i don’t turn out to be

this i had like a fail safe in my

brain i was like if i don’t turn out to be a sexy lady

i would at least want to be with one

like have one like as my

girlfriend or like just

you know be

in the presence

of that because it was appealing to me and i

found it attractive

hmm i’m a gay

i came on your show

because i want to say that i’m out

i have a big

pussy boner and i have a pussy boner

and they take it

so how did you get into your first film

how did it yeah

how long you

been doing this i shoot seven years seven years 24 when

i got in i’ll be 32 and what were you doing before that

i was a stripper

i was a drunk stripper too

the best kind and how

did someone approach you and say i like the way you

dance no absolutely not no actually

quit drinking

i think i already told this

story on your show

maybe i quit

drinking and i got

fired from being a stripper

and i had been

thinking about

applying to this porn site because

it had fucking machines on it

and this is

how i got into the business fucking machines

just of sure like

morbid curiosity

of fucking a robot

and just really thinking

about it i just like

masturbate in the shower and like

but fucking a

robot and fucking a

robot on the internet i

heard it too totally and i

heard it’s awful

by the way what was your

experience like fucking a machine i

had a lot of fun really

let’s talk to girls as fuck

robots i actually talked

about it today no joke

really this

comes up all the time for brian

this is like

hilarious you just have that face

that people feel like they can approach you and talk

about fucking

robots yeah

who seems like the guy

guy would be in it

you’re really kind of into nerdy

things just have one of

those faces

so yeah i just

ended up applying

to that site and that’s how i got to do all the bondage

stuff is because it’s same company ran hog tied and

wired pussy and

all these whole

and they even have a female

wrestling say

ultimate surrender

where they have women

wrestling they

they got the

market cornered on kinky pain shit

yeah absolutely

what a weird business

the armory up in san francisco they it’s

basically a castle

you know what

i saw that online or on a

television show rather there was some sort of an expose

on it about how much

money they make and how big

their business is huge

enormous but they also

they really improve that neighborhood they give back to

their community they do a lot of

stuff you know

they they open their

drill court

to you know

when they have parades and shit

like people can set up their

floats they open

their private business

to the community to do

things or have swap meets inside there

it’s not like it’s like a

crazy jungle of

naked people running around and like fucking

like doing things in

studios there

are people in

offices like on computers san francisco is a

place where that

would be accepted san francisco’s

in my opinion is the most

open minded city in the

whole country you’d be surprised they were in the wall

street journal talking about like

people are there

we know there’s people fucking in there and

what doesn’t

matter there’s always

gonna be some people like that

you have kids

your neighbors that were

where do you

think their neighbors came from the amount of

people that

would support it

would be much larger in san

francisco than anywhere else of course you’re always

gonna come across people that are very

vocal that want to

fight something

but all in all

san francisco is the most open minded city

i think in the

whole country hmm

we should do a

study on that

i mean could you imagine that happening in chicago

where there’s a

whole block

filled with you know people that are

tying people up and fucking them with rubber

robots and shit

you know that

can only take

place in like san francisco you

i don’t think there’s any

other place

that would accept something like that new york

maybe i mean it seems like new york has a lot of

fucking at the bondage clubs new york and la

would be the only

other options i

think and i

think they’d be met with a lot more resistance in

new york la

anywhere berlin

budapest i was in

berlin and i turned on the television and

no not berlin

over housing over housing

i turned on the

television and there was a gang bang on tv

just a full on gang bang

let’s just no warning just

flipping through the channels

and the yeah there’s

ten people fucking in a room like wow this is wild

like they have a totally different attitude

about it they just show the shit on

television it’s pretty intense

what are you doing there

brian i just

looked at the basis for alice in

chains died what

when of what mike starr

i don’t know him

so you don’t care yeah

fuck him he was on celebrity rehab

i don’t know

if you remember him yeah

yeah looks like they

found his body in salt lake city comes

on charlie sheen lives winning

still alive

barely doesn’t have

tiger blood

i don’t know he’s

never done his

dna he’s not a

freaking rock star from mars

well i guess that guy probably didn’t have to pay girls

thirty thousand dollars to have sex with him either

he’s probably has he’s got a lot of

money shit i don’t

know he’s a rockstar

trades thing is

charlie so not

like a doughy

like slippery

sweaty guy with five kids

is that what

i see when i

see charlie

sheen i would rather fuck a rock

star than like somebody has fucking five kids well the

crazy thing is that

charlie sheen calls himself a rock star but he’s on

this i like

forgot that he wasn’t dead

for like the longest

he’s on this completely

family sitcom

you know i mean it’s like this really bland

you know kind of

walk you know it’s no edge to it the

eggs like really vanilla

you know and

yet it’s the

number one comedy for some reason i talked to my friend

today and he

watches it every week and i’m like really you

watch that show and you go

there’s like a fat kid

charlie sheen and

like a gay guy yeah yeah but he’s like well it’s like

the exact same show

every week you know it’s like the same premise

every week but he’s like

it’s one of

those shows you

could just kind of

watch and it’s

easy to watch

it’s smooth

and smooth and it’s

funny enough

well you know what man i mean reality

television has

proven that you don’t really need to be that

funny to get people to

watch it you just need to people

it needs to come a part of

their everyday existence

they get like let’s see what’s

going on ice road truckers

shit the boys are on a

slippery road again

again becomes

ice road truckers

there’s a show

about slippery roads i mean

if that can

exist you can have a show

about anything

and a sitcom that’s like been around for a

while it’s fairly decent it’s got a few good

laughs in it

but i bet for charlie sheen is like

he’s smoking coke

and banging

horse and then he’s

going and doing this

super bland

television show i bet that

built up inside of him i bet that like made him go

more over the edge

well his character

his character

was pretty much himself though in that show i mean it

might have been a vanilla

show but he

still was a drunk

guy that just fucked a bunch of

chicks i mean it was like it wasn’t he wasn’t

really off his

road a little

no no no sure it was

what can he act fuck

yeah yeah you see

wall street

street yeah

this fucking ass

off he’s like in

that does he

yeah he’s at the office and he’s like oh yeah

he’s like the really hot god it’s in

trouble and the girls there with them yeah

she’s original

knows she’s all excited

about him yeah what was the

movie that charlie should have

kept that nose

right yeah that wasn’t a bad

news just that’s your nose hooker

what was the movie that

charlie sheen the hotshots he was in

scary movie part two

three or four

what was the movie that charlie played

sheen played himself but it played

like him like he was friends with the main character

anything at a john malkovich

yes john malkovich

that it was an awesome

cameo with him in it

you remember that no hardly

as far as i can tell he plays himself i think

yeah i don’t know charlie sheen

you see platoon

he’s a bad motherfucker i

haven’t seen that she wall

street it’s not bad

it’s very good

it’s all fucking good you know what holds up dude

silence of the lambs

holds the fuck yeah

i watched silence of lambs the

other night it’s a good goddamn

movie still it

still holds up

in the basket

yeah it’s good

man it’s it’s it’s well written it’s well

acting girl

dude fucking

anthony hopkins was a bad

motherfucker in that movie

still you know

he’s become like this guy who does like

these movies it suck he played

the wolfman’s dad

you know i mean the wolfman dad you

see that demon in

every movie

you didn’t see the wolfman did you

no but he was also in

super mario

brothers wasn’t he

he was in something fucking retarded even in the

wolfman even the wolfman

which is a terrible

movie he still

like has these

scenes these moments

where he’s just this

motherfucker he just he just doing crappy ass movies

but you go back to silence of lambs and you

realize what he’s capable of if he gets a good script

if he gets a good part

anthony hopkins just

smashes it out of the ballpark

in that movie

fucking smashes it dude

he’s so on like it

crackles like

it makes you nervous

for her while she’s talking to him like you fucking

believe 100

that dude has murder in his mind

when he’s talking

he’s talking to

anthony copkins is

fucking thinking

about eating her

he’s thinking

about cutting off

he’s allowing himself to go to some

crazy dark place

where he’s acting well you could tell

like that’s really what he’s fucking

thinking about man

he could turn it on

he can go to that dark

crazy psychotic

worst case scenario

human example

he can go there in his mind

that’s the difference man

just like comedy man it’s like

you have to really be fucking

thinking about what you’re saying

there’s not just the words and the

noises that represent certain

things to me

i gotta know that you’re thinking

about these

things as you’re saying them

you know and you that’s the difference between a

great performance

and a performance that’s just kind of mediocre and can

trick dummies

you know if someone’s

really nailing it

i told a 22 year old actor that just got here from la

i was like acting

is just pretending like you don’t know what you’re

gonna say next and he got so offended and he

ended up moving back to tennessee fuck you

can’t take the heat

stay out of the

kitchen bitch

right listen

if that’s all that set this fucking kid off

with some pornstar telling him that acting is fake

i boy said if

you can lie you can act and if you can lie to a crazy

girlfriend you can act

under pressure

it’s not that hard it’s just pretending

the hard thing is

auditions auditions are way harder

because you’re you have to

pretend that it’s happening when you’re in this really

unrealistic scenario yeah you’re sitting in this office

and there’s people in desk

chairs and they’re facing you with

paper in their hand they’re reading off the paper

and you’re responding

like it’s really like this is just

i’m good man

you like this is just too strange just

doesn’t it doesn’t ring real to me

i don’t really do well in

those types of scenarios

have you done any 3d

movies for real

yeah yeah i just did

three penthouse movies and

how do they

differ from like doing regular

movies do they make you do weird

angles like

you have to

spread your lips out towards the cameras

or something

well like when you disrobe or something you

have like sort

of throw your

clothes toward the camera

or kind of like

put one leg

off the bed

kind of tangling toward the camera or something so

what about when guys

shoot loads do they

shoot them at the camera

i don’t i don’t really notice i’m like

kind of like in the zone you

gotta be careful

of the filming

if you don’t have a pillow behind you you don’t want to

smash ahead

a headboard but the camera

has to be like

eight feet away for the 3d

effect to work

so you gotta

you gotta like

clearly you’ve

never seen very far

away you’ve

never seen the distance like what is it

about some dude what did some dudes eat like peter

north what does that guy eat to make so much sperm

it’s ridiculous

is that what it is

i gotta remember

my ex boyfriend told me also pc exercises like the

the muscle that you used to like stop your pee

oh right you know like a kegel like a

woman has a kegel muscle like

the pc muscle is what

guys have i guess

and apparently if you

just do that a lot

it can strengthen the muscle and you’ll

shoot further really yeah

i’m doing it

right now practice

it some people just

drink egg whites exercising it

right now egg

whites yeah they

think if it looks like loads loads will come out more

i’ve seen some

wives do it

yeah that’s probably like it’s

psychological man probably some

placebo effect

right it’s like the

secret but with loads

yes the secret

put it on your vision

board you believe

i’m gonna shoot

the longest load ever

who do you think is the furthest anyone’s ever

shoot a load

because i remember

hitting him myself in the face once

when i was 16

and being shocked

oh yeah when i pulled out

and you know my looking

i still do that i make it rain all the time like

a fucking why is this

squirting on my forehead you

know really far like what’s the first

anybody’s ever shot a load spider man

what is the furthest

is it even 5

feet i would be more right i

would say so i mean it depends if you have an arc

not what the

temperature

is like if there’s the headwind

yeah yeah it’s like

how long your dick is because you got like

you know some

giant dick john

holmes type dude we

had a massive advantage

yeah it’s got a six inch

reach advantage

it’s like john

jones but maybe

it loses some pressure

going through that long

mode dude i like

what you think

scientifically

i like that

but maybe a

shorter barrel

we’ll get more you got a lot make

sense right like a 38 special

but it seems like a

rifle would be much more accurate

right yeah here’s a

little tip by the way if you put a little bit of green

you put like

saint patty’s day

you know same

patty’s day this is awesome saint

patty’s they put a little bit of

green of food

coloring around

your dick before you have sex and when you

shoot out it actually is green

yeah that’s good and what

if you make a baby and it’s fucking looks like the hulk

the green baby

cause that guy

what if you ruin the baby what if it gets in the

spermatozoa

and the spermatozoa gets some

crazy green signal and

shoots it into the egg and somehow another kid becomes

green that would be fucking awesome what if it’s ever

happened before

i mean i mean if any

not that but

i mean if anybody’s ever like done something

where like the kid came out of

funky color because of that yeah

like i know i’m sure that people have probably been

tricked to think that

like maybe a

white woman having a half

black baby you

ever see yeah right

back in the old days

right look that’s the

story of jesus right i mean the

story of jesus most likely is it marries a whore

right yeah that’s the story of jesus

right immaculate conception

right come on bitch

what kind of

crazy shit is this but

back then the biblical days you just had to accept it

maybe she was raped by one of

those straws

maybe she wanted

yeah she dressing like that and

those fucking

robes i see

right bitch

see right but she had a

dirty ass too and back then you only live to be like

thirty you had to get your rapings in

while you could

oh my gosh this is horrible

you guys listen

you’ve had an electric charge inside your asshole

this is horrible

so is this conversation

yeah we’ve all agreed to be here

so these people have agreed to tune in

and i know two thousand

360 of them

right now are regretting

their choice oh you guys it’s cool

no it is cool that’s a lot of people

it’s actually

12 is gonna

be a lot more than that

one i forgot anyone was

watching this

right now you’ve done

other podcasts before

right you’ve done

some triplets you

do marins to

death squad

did marin i just did

the nerdist podcast

oh see what’s fascinating

about you is like as far as like

girls that are in your business you’re much more

known for your personality than any of the other ones

thanks and i

think a lot of it is

those videos that you do

you know yeah when you

break like the

adam sandler

video you breaking

things down yeah what else you

do you have a mailbag we read people’s

emails yeah when

myspace when myspace was before it was like just a spam

graveyard i

would get like this really

super heinous

hate mail that was so

just so many different levels of

wrong and rude and misspelled and

anguish and anguish

yeah just like really

mean like i hope you get fucking cancer in your

brain and dive aids

cause you’re a whore

and you should accept

jesus in your life and i’m just like that makes no

sense yeah right

jesus christ

would not fucking

waste his time to wish me dead of aids and cancer like

jesus christ to try to help you out you fuck yeah

how about you

dude ignorance

well there’s

a lot of that out there you

know when you’re allowed to be anonymous it’s a very

normal situation

it’s an unnatural situation in

human behavior

we’re supposed to like

we get rewards

and we get pleasure and we get

all this from interacting with each other

but when you’re interacting with each

other completely anonymously through wires and

it’s all ones and zeros you can

take them down a peg and say something really mean

dude i get that all day i get it

every day on twitter

there’s always some douchey dude who says something

and just block em

like i’m not i don’t have time

i’m not gonna

argue with you it’s not

like we can’t

spare followers you have 200

000 something i

have 37 000 something i mean it’s cool not

even that i

would rather have one

follows me that’s nice

that’s yeah 280

people want to be cunts

i would stop being on twitter

you know it’s

it’s fun though

the cool people way way way out number the shitheads

and like you get like really cool interact like last

night i wrote on twitter that that

charlie sheam was reminding me of hunter

s thompson the way he’s talking

and i said we were

right outside of barstow and the drugs

began to take hold

and then i got like

hundreds and hundreds of

tweets of people quoting hunter

s thompson lines

from the book

it was fucking

great it was really good

let’s get down to

brass tacks how much for the ape

and they just kid just kept coming over and over

again i’m like

this is fucking awesome like this is like

a really interesting

thing to interact with like minded

people there’s a

lot of smart people on the internet yes yeah

i have a message

board and i want you to be a part of it

because you

would fit in like a fucking

glove it’s a

great message

board and it’s all psychos and weirdos what’s

it called and you’re a moderator

board it’s on joe rugged

net we’ll make you a

i’ll make you a moderator for sure

we need more

women we only have a couple of

women moderators

got to make

sure that you know you can you can handle it at

first yeah you just can’t you can’t snap and go

crazy yeah you can’t

it’s not worth it but when people are douchebags

i send them to the retard room

i have two rooms i have like well one is like the main

the main forum

you can go to there’s a combat

sports forum

for like mma

stuff and then there’s

a regular forum

and then there’s a podcast forum

and then there’s special ed

and special

ed is if you’re a douchebag

if you act like a shithead

yeah you’re stupid

yeah you want to insult

people all the time for no reason get in the fucking

tart bin dummy

yeah but because

of that we’ve like established a pattern

and accepted like

levels of communication everybody’s really cool there

it’s a fascinating

fucking shit

yeah and fascinating fucking shit comes out of there

you know there’s so many interesting there’s a

story that i read on there the other day

about these new

fungi that they

found in the amazon rainforest

that turns ants into zombies

oh yeah it takes over the ant’s

brain ants are horrible anyway well

that’s why they’re there they’re there to keep the ant

population at bay this fungus

grows inside an ant’s body oh and it

drills into its head grows

right out of its

head it grows out of its head

after it’s dead yes

ant juice out of its and

it also causes

other ants to

cannibalize

they cannibalize each

other and there’s four different types of them

and then when one bullet ant will find that this

fungus has infected they will

kill it and take it deep into the woods deep into

the jungle that’s like they know what the fuck

is a fascinating

shit like on life narrated by oprah winfrey i

think was it really i

think that i

think that was

it was like the

generic version of planet earth

such a badass bitch

i was watch i

watch the oprah network

it’s fascinating to me

i watched it

every day yeah i got a

tv in my gym and i was working out in the gym i was on

watching oprah

and i was watching the oprah

network and i was

watching her

she was considering whether or not she

should have nadia

suemon on her show

whether they

should help her and

they decided to get someone

come on and help her financially no one

should help her

ever interesting though it’s interesting

listening to oprah

like how she talks

and how she thinks

like you get behind that

woman like she’s like

she really is all about

reaching out and helping people be the best person they

and they they can be and love

like that’s really what she’s into

it’s so easy to criticize her

it’s so like cliche she’s on tv all the time

you know it’s like

it’s she’s an easy target

but when you

look at like what she does like she is a bad

motherfucker yeah you know

oprah is like

legit like everyone

would hate the shit out of her if she wasn’t like

with the amount of

money that she has if she

was if she was like being like charlie sheen

is people would be like fuck you

you black as in bitch

i got this bitch in

rockstar life

yeah imagine if she was talking

about that rockstar

life i’m like a

freaking rockstar from mars

hang out with my friends

if anybody’s a rock star from mars it’s oprah

you know i mean

she has some man that’s just like in the

shadows and shuts his hole

that guy isn’t even talking less

spoken to stemon

sits around

waits he waits

three paces behind her

and he doesn’t say shit

unless she asks him a question

i bet oprah has

very big very loss

anymore they’re not together anymore i don’t

think they are yeah i don’t

think they are they’ll finally

force it out i

think that’s full

gale full gale

that’s the that’s the

rumor right that’s what’s up that’s cool

i mean that the odin

station has

like a bunch of gay friendly

stuff on it they had a

great show the

other day i was on the open network

and it was all

about transsexuals

it was a very

eye opening man to look into it because i have a friend

whose son is

becoming a transexual

his son is about to change from a man to a

woman and it’s really

strange because

his son’s about to change from a man to a

woman and his son

is like into girl

still so his son is like

becoming a lesbian

very very bizarre

and he’s gonna go

apparently i don’t know if he’s

gonna go through the operation

i don’t know what

the entire full story is

but they had this whole show

dedicated to it

and they had some kids

i mean there was a boy that was like a little boy

okay he looked like he was like

seven or eight years old

and he was wearing a dress

and he wanted to be a girl

you know and i’m like whoa

you know cause the younger you

start the more convincing you can be

if you just

avoid going through the

whole male peculiar

thing you can

stand a chance of being a more convincing

woman after your

transition yeah maybe

i mean if you can really be sure of your choice at that

young and age but it’s god

you talk to the parents

and it’s like very convincing what they’re saying

it’s so easy

if you’re a normal gender oriented person i don’t

think anybody has that

phase where

you’re like

seven years old and you’re like i’m

transgender

it’s not a phase

it’s not a fucking

race i agree with you but

who knows if

it’s a part of what’s

going on as you’re

young and then

as your hormones kick in as you become 18 and 19

maybe say no i’m just a gay man

you know maybe it’s like that simple

maybe like you transition

straight man

right what i’m saying is you

can’t i don’t i don’t think you

should really necessarily be fucking with your hormones

until they settle in

i mean i can

understand someone being a

grown adult and saying okay

i want to be a woman i’ve

faked this long too long this is what i want to do

but when you’re a child

shit i don’t even know

what the fuck i was

gonna i mean how

could you imagine if you had a children

you know like that’s probably normal for straight dudes

you know what

you know if i turned out to be like a

completely straight person i probably

wouldn’t have been like

lusting over nudie

magazines and like

showing them to people

and being like i

think you have to

a little gay change

and like a little

gay gay girl

right when you’re talking

about children i

think you have to account for change

you know i’m not saying you

should completely

discredit the idea that this is really a girl

trapped in a boy’s body

but i’m saying you have to account for change like

as far as like adding

hormones to

their body and

stuff like that seems like

really radical choice and one of

these kids was like 10 years old and they were giving

all sorts of

crazy medicine in

their kids and they’re just like

whatever you’re

right you’re

right you know

which is another fashionable subject and

i mean it’s better i think it

would be better if a

child was like i know this

about myself instead of like some

going my kid is unreasonable like because

they let the tv

babysit it and then like pump your kids full of ritalin

because they’re hyper

they’re just

maybe undisciplined i have a

next door neighbor

that used to live down the

street that was ritalin up their kid

and it was really sad that’s probably

fucking your kid up more

than listening

to them when they try to

identify their sexuality or

their gender the kid

was not a bad kid

the parents were terrible they were

terrible at parenting and the kid was lost and the kid

always seemed to me like they just

wanted someone to tell them what was up give them a hug

tell them what

was up there there were two of the most lost kids ever

because their parents were a fucking

holy wreck they

would yell at each

other in public and it was just a disaster

and they started pilling

their kids up

and it was like i was living next door to zombies

it’s like look at this like did the zombie but

these people have been

taken over by

spores i mean that

those pills

might as well be the fucking

spores that jack those ants

the same thing

it just takes so it’s a chemical

thing that happens to

a kid where it takes over their

brain rewires it

and makes them

think and behave totally differently

and then also

these kids were like

these little slap jaw zombies

i was like wow they done neutered

their fucking kids

brains yeah you know

it’s fucking

crazy it’s crazy how easy it is

to have that sort of

that sort of

power to just

do that to your kids i know

another person who i know his kid

is not fucked

up and he’s got his kid on some sort of riddle and shit

because his kid’s too active

cause his kid is fucking

alive and they’re

older they didn’t have the kid

until they were like in their 50s

they adopted

them they can’t keep up they

can’t keep up at all so they have this fucking kid

medicated you take

your kid yeah

treat him to the

stove whatever this kid is

nothing wrong with this kid i’ve talked to him

he’s just a wild little

motherfucker

you know and so what

are they good they got them all pilled up it’s like all

right good luck

what is how many

generations have we had of

people that were pilled up like this though ah forever

no i don’t think so

with social engineering i mean prozac came into mind

when i was i believe when i was in high

school it was the

first time i heard that

before that it was like institutionalizing people and

lobotomizing people in

shock therapy

like blue iris

right but she was

never normal

after that but it’s

never reached the

extent that it was with the blue

iris kit she had

electroshock therapy

repeatedly oh wow

didn’t know

that she tried to cure her porn

a lot of people don’t know who blue iris is

she’s on the howard

stern show a lot she’s

an old school porn stars

and she passed away

she passed away

yeah but there’s

a difference between the few people that are so

completely out

of control that need to be institutionalized to

people that don’t like their job

so they give you a pill so they

don’t feel like shit at the end of the day every day

because there’s

a lot of people that are just doing that

they’re physically not healthy

their diet sucks

they don’t exercise and they do a job that sucks

and they wonder

why they feel depressed at the end of the day

i mean it’s real simple you don’t need prozac

you need a new fucking life

i mean that’s what you need to do you need to figure

out what the fuck you really want to do and realize

that you’re only here for x amount of years

so the more time you

spend not moving

in the direction of your actual interest

the more you’re

gonna fucking hate yourself

you’re gonna be depressed it’s just natural

but they don’t

say that they give you some fucking pills

there’s a lot of people that need pills

should totally

take over from

that’s why i join our cult

oh you wanna

this is my orient

yes you wanna be in you

totally gonna

it might be something like that wasn’t

water you have been

drinking we

need funny chicks and you totally invited

yeah if you want to be in

our cult at any time definitely

our cult is

all you have to do is just

don’t be a douchebag it’s so simple i try i don’t know

well you do our little but it’s natural

look at what you

do look at how

many people are yelling at you looking how many people

point at you

and sending you shitty

emails all day

it’s natural

to be on the defensive and

start fucking with jennifer anderson

it’s natural she’s so harmless she’s so harmless

and i think it’s so funny cause

chelsea handler was like angelina jolie is a cunt

did you like friends with jennifer aniston

oh really and i was like oh look at chelsea handler

sticking up for jennifer aniston i’ve known

chelsea forever oh my god i know chelsea

since the early days of i wrote one of

the reviews of her book her first book was

my horizontal life

she’s a i love party girls

to me i think

it takes every kind of people at that song

takes every kind of people

when are you

gonna get her on the podcast we need to get her

way too busy i wouldn’t even ask her she’s got a sitcom

going on she’s got some sort of a reality show

going on about her show

and then she’s got her show

she’s way too busy she’s

about a show that’s already a show

really yeah that’s larry

xander show but she’s got a show

i mean that’s what it is

why not fuck it she’s got interesting people behind the

scenes she wants to showcases

it including our friend our really good friend eva

she’s on that show

eva from denver yeah she used to work on her

assistant i thought oh yeah eve is the best i love that

chick i haven’t

talked to her in forever she was this really cool

chick that worked for the denver comedy works

was super on the ball and

super friendly she used to take us to media

like one of the nicest people ever

and then became friends with chelsea and

she was such a diamond

that it was just waiting for someone to come along

yeah forever like i told her like if she

moved to la i

would give her a job as an assistant

yeah the coolest

chick ever like

i’ve never even thought

about having an assistant because it seems so

proportion posturus

that you really

you can’t wait what the fuck you got a business manager

you also need assistment you

could go give me a latte

you know like

get out of here that’s

ridiculous but for her

i would do it

just a job yeah

two year old get your

latte watch what happens

come back screaming and

covered in burns

you can get kids to put away dishes load dishwasher

dust vacuum sure yeah

mow the lawn

mow the lawn

when they’re a little bit older have fun you know

you can make a game of it get them a riding mower

my brother loved that when we were kids

he was it was like

my parents bought me this

thing so i could mow the lawn i could ride it

i can drive this

thing like it was so fun it was actually working

well when you’ve done mowing

along there’s an aesthetic sense of pleasure a

sense of not made of accomplishment like you’ve created

something visually that’s pretty yeah fuck some

sense it’s kind of an art form i used to work for a

landscaper did you i fucking hated mowing the

world that was

one of the hardest

annoying things i only worked for a landscaper for a

whole week and

he let me go because i kept burning too many lawns

what i mean is

that you fuck up you don’t know how to new use a lawn

mower that well

and you scalp the lawn yeah and i

scalped a couple lawns he got mad at me

it was hard fucking work and what

we paid pretty decent for what it was

but you worked

every goddamn day from six

thirty in the morning you showed up at work

and you work till

three o’clock

in the afternoon and there was a gang of fucking

houses to mow

you had a whole

route of houses and you had a

mow their lawn and chop trees down shit

back breaking fucking

where and everybody’s a douchebag

you working with mostly

like there was like a few guys that were kind of cool

but there was a lot of like

you know there’s a lot of resentment

to anybody knew that was coming

along that might possibly take this shitty

job away it was like real weird man

that’s like some junkyard dog type of shit

labor’s hard man getting a job as a

laborer in any sort of realm construction or

that’s one of the

most the best ways to get

motivated to get your shit together as a guy

get a fucking job

carrying bricks around all day

yeah you know get a job

where you realize what work really is

when you realize

what it really feels like to be exhausted

for 5 an hour

5 an hour and you’re

carrying bricks all day i

would have no idea what that

would be like

like ever the worst

but it makes you i think

about that shit all the time

if i ever think

about like not writing

or everything

about not working out or not

getting in the tank or anything like that i’ll think

about working on a construction site

and carrying

bricks and cinder

blocks and bags of cement i’ll

think about a hard that wasn’t like

what i have to do i just got to get up and work

at something awesome just get up bitch

you know it’s like this is a lot harder

things you could be doing

if you don’t have that

experience though

some fucking terrible

thing you know

like for you

when you were done with all the

electrocutions of the asshole

like going to regular

porn must have been like god damn it’s a cakewalk

all i have to do is blow somebody

well yeah now actually

there’s a little bit of a

transition that’s happening in porn

right now where

they’re kind of

going away from that like

my blonde wife is getting fucked by six

black guys to like more of wait a

minute why are they stopping that it’s a fucking

classic thing well it’s being phased

out now that’s like making a cheeseburger at a taste

parodies they’re making parodies they’re making romance

movies that are like romance

romancy novel like rom

com type of

how many vampire

porns are there a lot

they did a true

blood parody

and new sensations

that shit is

porn anyway

twilight parody

they made i don’t know

they’ve made a parody of

absolutely everything yeah some dude on my message

board as an avatar parody

and it’s a girl she’s got the avatar

face and she’s getting her

mouth fucked yeah

and that’s his

his avatar yeah

they’re gonna do a new avatar it’s

gonna be underwater you

heard about that show no way really

have you seen that preview for this new movie

where it’s a

bunch of chicks with guns

on the poster sucker punch

sucker punch yeah

yeah what the fuck i

haven’t seen the preview yet

but the posters look

amazing watch

minish yeah

same director

it looks bad

complete fantasy

you know crazy

comic book type

yeah i like that man i don’t need to be a

movie to be realistic like

when people go like why do you like like fantasy

movies and monster

movies and like

cause that’s what i

wanna be entertained

i don’t want you to depress me with some real

story about a girl’s parents get killed in a car

crash like stop

stop pissing on my parade dude

show me some

monsters and some

lasers and some

spaceships and

aliens did you ever see scott

pilgrim did you ever end up

man did you

see it yeah i rewatched that the other day

fucking loved it

again that is just a fun fucking

movie really i don’t know if you

would like it though

i don’t know if you

would like it but the

entire time i was like they don’t even like each other

stop hanging out what was the

movie recently

that you liked that i didn’t like can you only

think of one

oh man enter

no i didn’t really love

enter the void

but yeah i wasn’t into the end of the void

but that’s also because i’ve actually done

dmt and i’m like this is the representation of it is so

so simple well i was

there was a lot of problems that

movie but i just thought it was cool the visual

effects well

yeah what i thought was cool is the

first person perspective

that was really interesting

i thought that

i felt like i was really that guy you know if you

really got into it i mean like i like seeing it through

like almost like a

video game a

first person

shooter perspective

and i thought

that was kind of cool there’s parts of it i liked

but it was just too much

it was too i didn’t see anything that was like

oscar movies i

did not see anything the king

speech is that

about martin luther

king or what the fuck is that

about what is it

about that’s

about a dog that barks

no yeah name king

yeah who’s a big

spike collar

is a talking dog

maybe brian

right rottweiler

yeah i don’t know what the fuck it’s

about i don’t care i want

to see i don’t want to see any

movies i’m waiting for cowboys and

aliens i don’t

wanna see any

movies that are real this

movie that i saw with

adjustment bureau

totally science fiction

crazy fucking real

good good give me more of that give me more fake shit

i don’t wanna see real shit i know

it’s not interesting to me

like here’s a relationship that they had yeah

maybe if you

wanna throw me some

crazy godfather type gangster period

piece where

it’s not today’s reality

so okay i can get into that

kinda it’s a long time ago reality

you know but i don’t not into any real

movies where people get

depressed in real life like stop it i don’t even watch

movies that have people in them anymore i just really

just animations

yeah like in that megamind

three d movie tina fey was like really hot as a cartoon

right and it was just like cool i can like think this

girls really

super hot instead of like this

sticky like i’m

i’m not hot tina

fair haha i wear

glasses i’m not hot

right first

animated movie that i ever saw that was an

adult movie was wizards

you ever see yeah

that shit was good fuck was

great man i had it on dvd like really kind of recently

i can’t find it i was looking for it in my

house it’s a

ralph what is his name

box key yeah the

guy the guy’s name the guy that did

death dealer right

no wait am i

thinking of somebody else i don’t know

it was just really cool science fiction sort of

futuristic animated

movie you know

they don’t do too many of

those but they’re pretty dope when they do

like did you ever

see heavy metal oh yeah yeah

absolutely that

was badass i

was in love with that

chick in that movie

were you yeah the

heavy metal

you know what’s even funnier

or awesome is that the

heavy metal

inspired south park

where they did redid the

pretty much

heavy metal

style cartoon

like the whole animation look like that do you

see that episode fuck

no i need to

catch up on

south parks man i

heard that they’re

gonna do a charlie sheen parody

which i cannot fucking wait for of course they’re

going to they

could not they

love making

fun of people they’re the best at it are you on that

no i haven’t been i

think they made fun of you on that maybe

maybe no i don’t

think american dad has

if they did i would be

honored as long as they

weren’t too

cruel please

gentle i’m a gentle soul i’m a big fan

but what they did to carlsman

c was the most ruthless shit i’d ever seen in my life

they beat him to

death with a baseball bat and shoved frozen fish

sticks in his neck that

was so awesome

it was but they were broken down like i got no dick

i got no dick

like to be a comedian that be funny fuck

it was this the most ruthless take down i’ve ever

seen the kanye

was even funny to the gay fish they’re

genius man the fucking how

about the tom cruise

trapped in the

closet shit yeah

goddamn dude

they they they

break everybody down but they’re the best man

there’s nothing like that so we all

agree didn’t when when didn’t they get um

didn’t what the fuck is his name isaac case

didn’t he he was the one who used to be the chef

who it was as a case yeah

didn’t he stop

doing it when there was some sort of a show on

scientology yeah

that is so crazy

isn’t that fascinating

but it was okay when they made fun of everybody else’s

lifestyle and religion

and everything

else forever

and now he’s dead

so fuck you

isaac hayes

bam maybe maybe it wasn’t even that

maybe dana’s here

on surfaces at the end of the podcast

she shows her true

colors we’re

gonna turn it around dana we’re

gonna put you on a positive path and

be a successful

stand up comedian

a year from now

i’m gonna be your life coach

a year from now

we’re gonna be looking back at this moment and then

when i did the

podcast that’s when it all fucking came together yeah

you’re supposed to be a comedian

doesn’t it epiphany moment

be goddamn invulnerable up there

everything you’ve

done and how you were exposed publicly

you should be goddamn invulnerable up there you

gonna be a goddess

yeah control

and dominate

this is the the beginning

today we launch

it’s so ridiculous no

better way to end this fucking show it’s so

funny we will be back

thursday with

young and talented andy dick

will join us on the podcast is he doing it from this

studio or even

your student

mrs rogan is not

excited about andy dick being over a thousand

so we might have to

but he has been sober for like four weeks i don’t know

there’s always

tomorrow though

yeah well the

thing about andy

is you just

never know when you’re

gonna run into him with

whiskey on his

breath and you’re like fuck he was at the

avian awards he got tossed out

right was he fucked up

i don’t know i saw him and he was just like west

or whatever

so he was hammered

oh that’s right i mean i was

i could only assume like we were doing some kind of a

mirroring exercise where

andy and i were

doing the exact same

thing he talked

about it on the greg fitzsimmon show he talked

about it on greg fitzsimmons is

serious show

yeah and he said

you know that

he just got out of control it was like the

wheels fell off the end but it was a

great time before that

but then it looks so bad when people looking back on it

yeah another

thing he had a really interesting you

gotta pay attention

to what you what you look like people know who you are

you know basically

if people know who you are

yeah but once you get drunk

you’re an addict

no but i go like am i

are both my shoes on

like am i have i said anything offensive

or or anything to anyone like

am i controlling myself like when you’re

partying yeah

yeah yeah i

drink like five

whiskey drinks

and i was wearing a gown

and like i waited

until no one was around and i took my

dress off in the mirage

or the palms

parking structure

and i threw it in the back of my car and

went back to my own hotel

naked i i like

just put on whatever is in my car you

carry clothes around with you just

in case all

the time yeah never know

well we were like in

vegas so you know you got shit everywhere

to have like a baseball hat and

extras like a wear

t shirt in your car i

slept in a bowling alley last

night in canoga park what i had what

it’s a long story what

what wait a

minute what

andy dick no

but but but it was so

great because i had not only did i have worn

a coat because it was

kind of cold i had

sleeping bags i had airplane pillows from

traveling so much and was

slept in a bowling alley yeah

parking lot

of bowling alley

what the fuck

brian that was

great it’s a good

night do you

get too drunk

huh no i actually didn’t even

drink last night

i think young lad is in love

no no no no

no it’s not even that no no it wasn’t even that

perhaps you’re in

love with some girl you

had at the bowling alley

no perhaps no

it’s long story perhaps

young love in the parking lot

that’s when you don’t mind

sleeping outside but you have a

house when you’re in love

yeah but getting practical

when you’re in love dana oh

i don’t have to tell you that

maybe i’m dead inside and i’ll

never experience it

maybe they were right

commenters on youtube are

those motherfuckers

all right ladies and gentlemen

this weekend friday

night and saturday

night we are at the comedy magic club

next week friday

night at gotham in new york city

brian also has a podcast of his own it’s called the

death squad you can subscribe to it on itunes

and dana’s been

on it sam tripley’s on it all the time it’s

a plethora of

young talented comedians and they do

a bunch of different

podcasts so it’s not just one you can

go on the itunes page and

find out which they are or go to

deathsquad tv

and just subscribe to

death squad

on itunes and it’s very highly

ranked now it’s like in the top 20 of itunes comedy

it’s really good too it’s really interesting

so we’ll be back on

thursday like i said with any dick

thank you everybody for

everything and

thanks for tuning in and

thanks for being just cool

motherfuckers all

right i love you

oh go to flashlight com and

yeah go to joe rogan dot net

entering the code name rogan

get yourself some

discounted jerk off material do you have a rubber

flashlight yet

um no and i’ve been

bringing it up every time

with them what can i no no

no formal rejection letter from flashlight

will make this

happen dude you just got in with the right

crowd oh okay it

could be like the

extra extra big

flashlight first

giant butthole on me

thanks thanks guys jihad