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Podcast
Description
Joe sits down with Jon Lajoie.
Transcript
i can’t afford a car i use public transportation
i don’t mind i read till i reach my destination
the amount of
money i saved
the shit is off the hook
and i’m not very good with the women
i’m a pretty shy person and i’m
average looking last time i had sex was in two thousand
three and i’m ashamed to admit
but it wasn’t free
i’m just a regular
everyday normal guy
i get nervous in social situations
motherfucker i’m just a regular
everyday normal guy
and i make pretty good spaghetti sauce mother
everyday normal guy
and i get scared when i go see the dentist
does it oh no you didn’t
the poly shore of everyday life oh dude
so worried i’m gonna meet him he doesn’t know
about it no i know he doesn’t cause he has
buddy i’m too busy
she called my manager wanted me to do
something like his
specially was doing i’m like he does not know
he’s never heard anything i’ve done
i just want to because you’re becoming famous
we are joined on the podcast today by jean lajoie
that is the correct pronunciation sir i got it
right thank you
sounds sexy fantastic comedian from montreal canada
montreal canada one of my favorite cities in the world
before we even get started we are
sponsored by the flashlight if you go to joerogane
net and enter in the code name
rogan you get 15 off
you ever used one of those things by
you know what i’m gonna be weird i’ve used like
i don’t know if it’s a competitor
thing like i
haven’t but but no how could you know any bird i
mean how could you
not know if you guys have one for me
definitely i’d love to fuck it too but
i love that
shit well this one
has been around and everybody’s been fingering it
since the beginning of the year so we’re
gonna have to get you a
new one no i’ll take that one you sure you want it it’s
the butthole
version bro okay
good you don’t
want to be caught at home with the butthole version
at least you caught with the vagina
version it’s like yeah you’re a pervert but you know
whatever if
you just run around just why it’s just tighter
that’s better robert
butthole better
right tighter
girls are better just what what it represents man
represents girls buttholes you
wanna fuck girls in the butt so bad you
have a fake one
and not even like the rest of
the girl attached to it you don’t even have a fake body
you just have the fake butthole
you just stuff
it in that fake butthole like some fucking fiend
some butt sex fiend
oh way to sell em man
way to sell em
it’s a fucking fantastic
thing though here i know i can
imagine you say
what it feels like put your fingers this one no one
has had sex with a couple dudes have fingered it yeah
yeah i think
eddie bravo
might have licked his
finger before he
stuck it in there
oh yeah i did
weird right dude i’m not looking
good i would
fuck like i don’t care like
what’s sadder me fucking this sort of fucking my hands
and shit yeah exactly
it’s a weird
thing though
it’s most certainly
absolutely embarrassing
it’s embarrassing to a lot of people i
think buying it
would be the
worst but now you can get online which is
awesome but you know it’s like they only get you
with stuff like
that if you get embarrassed by it then it becomes a
shameful thing
like if someone comes in my office and goes
what do you
fuck this thing do
you fuck this
thing i’d be like yeah
yeah yeah i fuck it like what do you care
you know you can’t get me with that
but to a lot of people
you say to them hey what are you fucking that tube over
there and they get red and they feel like a loser and
i can’t let
other motherfuckers
define you ladies and gentlemen that’s my message
all right you
wanna fuck that tube fuck that tube son
fuck it all
right my cleaning
lady just like she comes in and like i have shit
you know that i don’t like
tissues and shit
well not even just like just like
stuff you know
some fun toys that i use with you know some
oh lady dildos and shit
god damn my man goes deep
my cleaning lady i love it
she’s like she’ll clean my plate and she’ll be like
oh she’ll find them and just put them on top of a
dresser like to be like i don’t know where to put these
on yeah what the fuck is that like for her
picking up your dirty slimy
frosted it looks like a donut like frosted
donut dildo i’m clean just lying in
the bed recently
have you noticed like girls
like different
girlfriends don’t like using like old dildos like
i always had like dildos like girls well i
started to like try to put them in its own packaging
and stuff like that no
dude you’re just a
cheap motherfucker
that’s ridiculous how much is a dildo
only like ten dollars
i buy good ones you know like the
whatever the dolphins and
the dolphin
i think dolphins like ninety dollars
really that’s like the playstation of fucking dildo
that girls like this has been inside some other girls
pussy with you
like push shoving it in there like
she doesn’t want yeah but she has
these fingers they’re washed that’s you just
watch good point and
that’s actually these are hard it is a good point
but it doesn’t matter because it’s
still your body and somehow
know that it makes it okay yeah instead of some rubber
rabbit sticking a
chick snatch
asshole at the same time
is that what it was yeah it’s a
rabbit and it’s
worse also that you bought it specifically
to fuck some
other girl with it like
it wasn’t like oh i
found this lying around and i
just fucked
this other girl
is like you bought it with this
other sugars and fucked her with it
and then you’re
like oh i’m not with her anymore and now i’m with this
other girl yeah yeah
you gotta be careful getting into that fucking
robotics world you know
you fucking setting a pace you can’t really
match up with
once you fuck a
chick with one of
those rabbit
things and it’s
beating the fuck out of the sides of her pussy
it’s just anderson
sylvania the sides of her pussy just
slamming it
toto toto toto
in that little
rabbit ears are jamming her in her butthole
what the fuck are you gonna do
what are you
gonna do with your average
dick human dick yeah what are you
gonna do with that
fleshy little soft thing
that you know that you got to worry
about if she gets on top but she
might break it
you ever have that happen man
where it almost
breaks no well you get a fallout and then it hits the
taint oh yeah when it
pulls out dude guys have gone to the hospital
for this shit are you serious yes yes you can tear
your dick breaks and not only does it break
but a lot of times it stays
crooked forever i think i
broke my dick before then i bet you did man i bet i
think i broke mine a little
cause i didn’t
think it was possible
so i always just went oh yeah it feels like it’s
gonna break but
i know mine
kinda get damaged
over time it
just broke like
an old ship
fucking hit too many rocks
mine looks like a broken nose
a lot of waves man
a lot of spilled
beer rot in the deck
a lot of waves hitting the left side
yeah there’s this dude on my message board
i fucking i’m sorry man i forget your name but
he has a fucking giant hog
and his pictures like totally bent
his dick’s like completely bent to the right
so much so that a subverter that’s a hero
and that’s his name on the message board
his dick is so ridiculous it looks like it’s
photoshopped
i mean there’s no way it could be that fat
because he’s a little dude
giant dick and
no way he could be taking such a hard angle
and he sends it to chicks and shit
oh my god i rated some
drama online because he sent it to some girls so
he sent you a picture of his dick he puts em online
man this guy puts em online
for everybody to see i’d love to have my dick
pointed up like bent up
just like hit the top of the girls how many cock
pictures have you seen online
of dudes that you know on a million i mean
i mean on the message
board everybody’s personally
or in person well because we hang out with comics
you know is it like that john is from montreal canada
is it like that up there do dudes whip
their dicks out all the time or is it too cold
i think it’s a little cold i had a
buddy who had the the prince albert thing oh
yeah you just love
whipping out his dick and
what the fuck is up with that guy oh dude
seriously that’s some fucking
crazy shit i’ve never looked at my
dick that thought about
throwing some
metal through it like a hole through the tip
of his hair man
what are you fucking like
cut open like a sausage have you seen that
oh i’ve seen
yeah oh that’s pretty sour right
no no no no that’s another one
that’s okay
there’s like a ring like right through
the tip of the yeah that’s the prince albert but the
other one that you’re talking
about is more of a body modification they cut
into the penis
and they slice it open like a hot dog yeah
like a hot dog whoa it’s
common it’s common
really common so what okay so is the
whole hot dog in the microwave
like so when you what spreads
yeah all must just
spray all over the fucking
place have no control over the piss
you know it looks horrendous too it looks
terrifying but it’s just like become some barb
no it’s like
here like yeah
cool yeah some
weirdo just wants to change the way he looks dude how
about listening to some fucking i don’t know
indie rock albums
trying to be
cool by some
records dude
you don’t have to
butcher your dick oh god
that’s a weird
thing man it’s a
weird thing when
you know it’s like
where do you draw that line you know
when you see a
chick with a
lip ring like ooh you got a ring on your lip your
upper lip there’s a ring on it a
metal ring yeah okay
how far are you willing to go
because you’re already in crazy town
you’ve already got staples in your face you fucking
freak yeah what are you doing
you ever had a girl with the clit ring
yeah the clit ring
that’s kind of cool though it’s kind
of cool but it also kind of seems like she’s a mess oh
and you know that unfortunately
if you’re getting if you’re
decorating down there it’s because you have open
houses all the time
and you’re like going down here i’m like wait a minute
dude you gotta write that down if that’s an ad lib
shit please
that’s a bit don’t forget that one dude
we’ll hold we’ll hold here okay that’s a goddamn
genius bit that’s hilarious
it is there’s a thing about girls with clit rings
you gotta know that if a girl’s
decorating down there she’s having open
houses all the time
dude that shit is brilliant
okay hold i can’t sit down and write comedy
and then all of a sudden i fucking
yeah i do the same thing man i have ideas and i have
to slam them onto a piece of
paper or i have to get it down as quick as possible too
just five minutes later i’m like a fucking
idiot savant i won’t know what i said that’s why
these podcasts are actually pretty good
because you can actually write comedy
while you’re talking
sort of many times yeah like i do spider man that
me talking about spider man where it’s me
throwing come on walls of hotels and i do it on
stage now and it fucking kills that’s
great did you do that for real yeah
he’s a mess
motherfucker
walls that you and i have to go and touch
you know you’re in your
underwear and you put your socks on
you might lean against the wall
you could easily be touching this creep’s loads even
worse i play chicken i
throw it on the ceiling and keep my mouth open and
to play chicken you have to play with someone else no
if i used to
start gay for yourself
if i dart out of
the way but i don’t that’s why i get id for cigarettes
my skin so that
is an excuse for you to be gay for yourself
i’m not playing a part of this
i play cum chicken with myself like
how fucking gay
but that’s not even gay that’s like
no it’s just recycling
it’s just bizarre
jim norton has this
great bit about this
chick that used to make him do
things like she
i guess it’s his girlfriend
she like tells him what to do and you know she
used to be a
dominatrix or something nutty like that and jim
comes on her
tits and she makes him lick it up
and it’s a true
story and he’s
talking about it it’s fucking
hilarious but it’s also
your fucking toes curl up your butthole crunches
up oh my you
you close your nostrils when you hear it
your whole body
constricts you’re like don’t eat your own comb
dude there’s something
about it just
yeah well you guys man
we’re talking on one of the podcasts this week
some guy was
who was it if
eddie yeah eddie if
the funny guy yeah he was talking about
some guys sucking
some guy or letting
some guy suck his dick so that he can fuck this hot
chick oh it’s
yeah yeah that was
eddie f yes friended that yeah yeah
and you’re like
manager tells me the
story of him and his
buddy where
they hooked up with
these two chicks and they’re at
the hotel room with
these two chicks
and the two
chicks start like
making out and
everything and they go if you guys make out
we will fuck
you i’mma just do
everything but you guys have to make out
and my manager’s just like okay
fuck it i’m out
of here and the guy’s chasing him around the room going
stop being such a fucking
pussy and make
out with me
come on dude just make out with me dude they’ll just
and you’re like
what the fuck man how bad you need to get laid creep
you need a scar in your brain for life
because the moment you nut the moment you
what the fuck have i done
you’d immediately recognize the
depths of your depravity
and i think i’d let someone some guy suck my dick
before i make out with a guy
that’s a little more intimate i don’t know man
listen at least
you can control
control yourself i mean you can
defend yourself some dude has his mouth over your dick
he could just clamp down on that
thing at any moment and that’s the end of your dick
that’s true fuck all
that on saturday
night live do a thing because so many people suck
dicks on sarah
what the fuck are you talking about
i mean like everybody does
everybody sucking dick on saturday
night live and they make out with each
other and shit right
i guess soon as the live
studio audience is different than
being like hey
there’s a lot of guys that think it’s funny to just
be nutty like that you know that was a big thing hells
angels used to do in the 60s hunter s thompson
wrote about it
you know about how
in that move the
the hells angels book that he wrote
he wrote about how they
would try to
freak out squares
like when they were around like regular people they
would just start making out with each other
big burly guys like tongue and all that just whoa yeah
there’s all this
video of it
the documentary gonzo
great documentary
that was fucking narrated by
johnny depp
super inspirational makes you want to
write and makes you really
appreciate his
his whole outlook on
things and also recognize him for real
like they didn’t try to make him look like anything
other than what he was like flawed
brilliant but flawed
crazy all over the place
but look what he produced you know it was like one of
those yeah but it was also like look how he fell
like look look how it all fell
apart for him look how his you
know his whole
life career
the end yeah
all the uphill battles he said that yeah
scary shit man because you know
as any any artist i
think i think we all look at ourselves and you
know you look at you know what’s your eventual
take on this
gonna be like
what’s your body of work
gonna be like
after 20 years or 30 years and at the end are you
gonna still be
enjoying this
like look at this brilliant guy like what did he do
wrong like why was
it some of his shit so good
some of the shit that he
wrote fear and
loathing in las vegas is
still one of my favorite books yeah
just a just a fucking mad
crazy book you know that this dude and his friend
just drop an acid and just fucking people over on
hotel bills
i mean it’s a
great fucking book
it just it’s
alive you know what i mean it’s like
his writing there was some shit in there that was alive
and it’s not everybody can do that
i don’t know what it is or why a person can or can’t
but what drives me
crazy is when
they can do something like that and then they just
still fall apart
you know it’s almost like what
brings them to the dance
kills them when they get there yeah yeah
because nothing is constant you know like if you’re so
passionate about something
there’s something that you need to nurture in that
and we’re constantly
changing nothing is like forever
gonna be that way so
in five years from now
if you don’t cultivate that kind of life and
everything you can all of a
sudden five years down the road
just not give a fuck
about land just
completely like be
completely different
which is fine we need to
you have to get
you have to be comfortable in the struggle
and part of the struggle is constantly
creating constantly coming up with new things
because as soon as you stop doing that if you
stop creating and you stop exploring it and utilizing
that part of your mind and your
whatever it is your spirit
it goes away
the only reason why it’s there is cause
it took you fucking 10 15 years ago and on
stage over and over
again to cultivate this thing
where you know
how to do it correctly like you get into this groove
but that can easily slip away from you
just don’t pay
like when i was on newsradio
it was like two years
when i was on
where i didn’t
write a fucking single joke
i didn’t do
all i did was perform the
laugh factory and i performed the comedy store
and i didn’t do any road work at all
and i didn’t
write at all
i just i did the sitcom the sitcom was a lot of work it
was you know we’d work long
hours and i’d be
tired and i
would show up at the comedy clubs and i just had no
no ambition
you know i didn’t have any new material it was all the
stuff that i
had been doing for years already and i had lost all
connection with what i was saying
you know what i mean like some bits they get to a
point where you’re just kind of saying
a bunch of things that you know will work
yeah it’s like i’m not even thinking
about this i’m not in the moment
while i’m saying this
and anyway i didn’t realize it until
i had some writers
come to see me some guys that were writers on newsradio
oh it was ugly
and it was a late
night sat at the comedy store
and the late
nights of the comedy
store in the main room
when there’s only like fucking 15 people
that place is a vacuum man it’s a cavern
and i went up there and just really had a shitty
set it just felt uncomfortable
and that made
me really realize like god you don’t even work
on your comedy anymore like what the fuck are you doing
it’s gonna go away like the
thing that was the most fun for you to do
now you’re not doing it anymore
and now when you do it you’re
weird about it
so it made me
sort of reorganize and to figure it out but i think
for a lot of guys
they just start doing
they become
successful or they
somehow another
get enough success so that they can make a living
and then they just kind of like stop
yeah you know
weird that’s when you kind of die on it
like it’s so sad and yeah
i feel myself i constantly have to keep
i go you know
like and i’m so new to this comedy game and
i find myself like when i was just in my
little tiny apartment
i mean now i’m
still in a tiny apartment
in hollywood
but you just change
your surroundings and the changes of people around you
and now all of a
sudden it’s
business and you have an
agent and a manager and they have plans a career plan
and all of a
sudden you’re
like whoa whoa what’s that what’s that little
spark that i
had inside me what was pushing me to do this in the
first place
right and i’m
you like as soon as you lose that
like you just
completely lost and they have
it so easy they
can talk you into
being business minded and business oriented dude
i’ve talked to
comics that i really like
they’re interesting guys
and they’ll
start talking
about liquor sales and shit
and i’m like
how do you even know that like what are you
talking why are you talking about this
have you ever thought
about doing a song
about mountain dew though
dude i’ve been
approached commercially
when you’re like it seemed like
you online you
have a following did you get approached by
so many people yeah well your
videos have
ridiculous numbers the
every average
everyday normal guy is like
was it 20 million
yeah almost 21 million
that’s some serious numbers man
yeah do you put ads on
those and make
money off that shit
well they do like through
there’s a partnership program at youtube and they’ll
put the little ads at the bottom and so they send you
checks for that shit
yeah make a little bit of
money on there
it’s not nothing
spectacular
no it’s nothing i
heard this i have to do
other things and
even to pay like just my bills i
heard that there’s some
dudes that have like kids ones on there
and these kids
videos have such
ridiculous like
very regular repeated
customers and so the numbers are huge like 5 million
and you know now
these guys are making like
ridiculous money from youtube
ads i’ve always
heard that too but i’ve never
really understood
thought it was real this is coming from dana white
really yeah so it’s real no
there are some kids
who like i put out
videos and mine’s more like
content you allow
sketches and songs and like i create the content
i’ll shoot it edit it and put it out as like
you know i don’t
have a tv show so this is me doing my own content and
i fucking love it and the creative freedom that comes
along with it
no one’s looking over your
shoulder you’re just doing
whatever you want
and i get a decent amount
that’s why it’s good too oh it’s amazing like i’ll
never give that up
i’ll never it’s also why your
stuff is so
good because it’s coming from you like it’s all like
when one person does this and it sounds
crazy but i really believe this when one person is
involved in creating something and then they put it out
it’s almost like
you get a sense of
their personality like you get a
glimpse into
their creative
you know whatever the fucking
frequency they tune into
when a bunch of people get in it it can be really
funny but you
might not enjoy it as much you just
water down a little i don’t know if that’s real that
sounds like totally like hippie nonsense
but you know you that’s why we
appreciate people so much when they do something and we
enjoy it yeah you know i mean think
about what that’s like to like
you know like whatever
if it’s a band some band that you fucking love like you
gotta hang out with trent reznor when you were a kid
i mean what
are you doing you’re appreciating something this guy’s
producing and creating and that’s really what it’s all
about that’s what
being a fan is about
yeah it’s a
trippy fucking
thing man yeah
yeah no it’s
crazy i don’t really even think
about that i don’t know how you get like
i do the shows and people
anyone just goes dude i love what you do i’m so like
like taken yeah and i’m so
weird i’m very recent
recently in this but
like i’m always like oh
so thankful i’m like wow dude like
you know you’re
watching you
enjoy it and wow
it’s just a beautiful
thing yeah it’s a
great it’s a
great exchange of course you
gotta deal with a
bunch of nuts
have you ever
watched his
video high as fuck yeah yeah i’ve seen that one too
that’s great
we’ll play that one at the end
all right cool
that’s a teaser
ladies and gentlemen
we’ll let you know at the end we’re
gonna have a
juicy song for you
anybody who’s having a problem with this podcast
getting it from itunes looking for the latest episodes
every time it’s way easier if you just subscribe if you
subscribe you get them as soon as we put it up there
but apparently
apple has some
weird new way they’re handling podcast now
where it doesn’t
allow you to
ping the server this is all complicated shit but
the long and
short of it is
the best way to get the podcast the
quickest is just subscribe on itunes or
you can always go to joerogane
net and right
after the podcast is over within a couple hours
brian has a link up
and you can download it from that so that’s easy too
so that’s the way to do it don’t be
whining anymore
yeah how does that work on your
website does it go because i’m so like technologically
i download on
itunes go straight to my library syncs with my ipod
like if i go on your website does it
go right into the itunes or drag and drop rule
well it’s just a file yeah
just download to
mp3 yeah it’s just an
mp3 file and it’s always
because i want it to be available
not just for itunes
i want it on zoom
and if you got some wonky old
mp3 recorder one of them little usb jammies it
doesn’t even have like a
yeah if you’re in the zoom
marketplace just hold down your
power button wait for it to
reset and then
relaunch it
now you’re making jokes
is that a microsoft joke
brian you dork
lewis try to
sneak a microsoft
joke in there
you have to
reboot the device
the device is no good
hey verizon you cunts
what’s up with this the new iphone
has a world chip in it
but you don’t
you don’t turn it on
you fucking weirdos
you’re scared your network’s
gonna crumble bitches that’s
what it is they’ve been talking so much shit on at amp
t they don’t
understand the
power of the iphone when that
motherfucker comes a wave of
freaks are gonna come over to your side
it’s gonna be like 15
of the people from at amp
t they’re estimating are
gonna vacate
their contracts
early that’s a
large number man there’s
even more like business people
business people you know what i was i was doing an at
amp t commercial last
night i was sitting there
i was sending all these
photos to my flicker
and i was also trying to download this youtube video
and then somebody calls me
if somebody
would have called
me during that on the verizon network all that shit
would have like
hmm you’re right and so i was like
thinking that’s pretty big for me for you i’m a
heavy user of internet
multitasking
and stuff like that
yeah but i mean even
tweet vid if you’re on twitter and you’re loading a
video and then somebody calls you halfway through it
guess what that
video is not loading that’s
right yeah that’s a good point
that that’s a good point
if you look at it that way
yeah yeah i don’t
understand why verizon can’t do that
from what i
understand though
when they get to 4g
that won’t be an
issue anymore is that correct
yeah yeah for g1
so for g even though it’s cdma
as opposed to
horizons networks good but it’s actually just
older like an
older technology
so it’s called cdma
right yeah yeah and
and it for some reason even though it’s older
technology it penetrates deeper into
buildings yeah i
guess that’s one of that
so it gives you
more cancer
gives you better cancer
yeah but i got
a new top new
title to my book
it’s called if you get cancer from your cell
phone you’re a fucking pussy
i know what you really wanted to say
what puss is your retired word no
no i wouldn’t say no
it’d be more you’re a pussy than
an f a word f a
g g word ot word
you know what though i mean has
anyone done
research like on ball cancer is ball cancer up
right now because you’re fucking cell
phones by your balls ninety percent of the
yeah i don’t know what the fuck you’re doing with your
phone man don’t
stick it on your
balls what’s on the
stick pocket that’s like being on the side of your head
right i’m saying
so it’s pretty
close to your balls i
hear people talking
about the having a laptop
on your on your
lap just it’s so
close to your balls
and all your shit like i can imagine
some kind of you know
the laptop though it’s heat
yeah the battery i use that for as a form of
birth control right you
kill your balls yeah i did on purpose torture
those little faggots oops
i said it trick
me trick me
put it in my head
i’m telling hayden
we don’t have that word in canada
well it shouldn’t be an american either
i mean not that shouldn’t
be said it shouldn’t be a war that has all this power
especially a good
juicy one jamie
killstein told me he retired it recently too really
every time you accidentally say it you
should do something like
you have to buy an elton john cd or you have to buy
you know what i mean
you have to
watch one episode of
ellen you watch
a full george michael
video yeah you have to give
something back
i love that freedom song man
remember the time we
sang it on the podcast
it’s a great goddamn show remember we
singing in the hot tub
no i blocked that out
brian shut up
shut up brian
so are you what the fuck bro
so are you touring do you do
yeah i mean i’ve been touring
quite a bit for the past two years i took a little
break because i wanted to
write some stuff and do some more the internet stuff
but when you do it you do it
like go out for a weekend come back
yeah i started doing that
i have minneapolis
book i’m so bad so i don’t even know my dates but i
have some minneapolis and like
march or april
and what is
it what’s your website
yeah yeah let’s
check out the
website what’s the website
michael keaton’s on it yeah it’s john
leshua dot com
and spell that
motherfucker yeah good luck j o
n l a j o i e
or just go to like youtube and like google like
and just search show
janitals i’m sorry
have you ever thought
about just changing your last name like john
la or something yeah
johnny la like
kevin james had to do that his last name was nip thing
it was really
tricky and him and his brother gary
and gary picked valentine and
kevin picked
james because it was the name of his old kung
fu instructor my last name is not red band
because my last
bright yeah we’re
right from the
movie trailers when you see a movie
the red band
yeah i used to be a projectionist
most my life okay
okay i like it i like his
videos really good
you gotta figure out how to make money with it
anybody out there with a suggestion keep it to yourself
freaks cause i don’t know you
porn stars porn stars
porn stars is the way to go
comedy porn comedy porn
yeah making money on the internet that’s what
brian needs brian needs more porn stars of his life
for sure i know how do you get into that porn circle
oh he’s deep really deep bro he went to a podcast
is that all it takes
out of my house
we’ll have a podcast and you can interview a pornstar
deep in the crime
get deep in the
crazy song you
write all your
stuff yourself and like you just sit there and
think of a good idea and
i mean did you
start off like doing like like you know just you
using a cell
phone camera
playing around
what it was was like i was
i went to theater
school in montreal then i
graduated and
i got a role on this french language tv show
which it was
cool it’s great i
appreciate it’s
great job and
everything but it wasn’t really what i wanted to do
by the way how much does it help
with chicks being
bilingual and the
other language is french
suck come about fancy
you must seem
so sophisticated
especially if you know something about wine
that’s all you need
i mean so many
girls just trick
them so quickly
you can know nothing yeah
all you have to do is just
start talking
about the area of
france where
these grapes are
grown and that
yeah oh shanan
shah yeah oh
shanan shah
yeah no it helps a little bit
but it’s weird in montreal
like if you don’t like
being an english dude in montreal
and on a french show
like chicks like me because i had the english
english so the french
chicks like you because you
spoke english
as well and then out here it’s kind of like oh
really is the french
thing is cool
i thought you guys didn’t like french people
was all that freedom from well
french montreal is okay yeah french france
is a different animal
those guys don’t like that
no no one likes it we
don’t even like french fries anymore bro it’s freedom
prize right
until we all the way so you were on this show
so you were on this
french speaking show and you
speak fluent french as well as english
yes well not as well as english
my dad’s french canadian so
is there a different
i mean the language is
structure different is comedy
structure different when you do it
yeah i do find comedy in french it’s a
completely different
beast it’s like they have a
bunch in montreal montreal they have
when they do the just for last festival
they’ll have all
these like guys
speaking in france it’s really
weird and they have
super like super stars yeah
french canada
huge that people have
never heard of
yeah yeah just to give you an example there are
seven million or
eight million people in quebec
the show that i was on had
12 million people
watching it
every week like on the league
that’s what we get
that’s broadcast all over the united
states like they’re very supportive of
their culture and they
they consume
kebiquah culture
and they have like
huge comedy
start it’s like a little
that’s why they kind of like
watch their own
country because it’s like a little country on its own
on the french side
english side is
like english canada anywhere else wow yeah
quebec is a very strange area in and of itself that
they want to separate from the rest of canada
it’s like a constant
issue oh yeah
yeah what’s that about
well i mean it
goes way back but it’s
basically you know new france became
can’t like the english
would be french
and then like you had all this huge french population
and now was
english territory and
they were kind of like
lax enough to go okay you can keep
practicing your catholicism and your
things love will let you alone but
you know this is the british empire na na
but they kind of
flourished as a
culture and they stayed like pretty close
together and like now quebec is
predominantly
french speaking and it’s a
culture that’s just kind of
kept going throughout the years
and now they want to protect the
culture and there are many
laws in canada that do protect that
culture like kind of like
signs have to be more french
than larger
in french than in english
like a lot of
things like that that are very controversial
equal rights right
well it’s just that you have to have
it has to be in french at all
like you can go to
chinatown there’s
some shit that has nothing in english on it that’s okay
right right yeah
i don’t feel yeah
well that’s
ridiculous yeah
no i know it’s very controversial
but there are many
things that
they’re trying to protect because the fear is
basically that a hundred years down the road
the french culture is
gonna go away
but i mean you know
things change
guess what man
what are we
gonna do once we
start reading minds and we
you know can
travel through time
we’re still
gonna have to talk french you fuck
no is it that important god damn it you’re slowing down
evolution cunt
yeah know if
the language dies it dies man the fuck isn’t
what you mean is that what it’s a
that’s what’s supposed to be important
right you’re intent
not what fuck
would bimblah
would the way you fucking say it that’s stupid
which is neutral
you know it just expresses they don’t want
their language to evolve
if it gets absorbed it gets
evolved that’s what happens sorry
doesn’t mean it’s bad
no i am not
right brian god damn it i made out with
this but i mean like i’m
gonna get shit for this a little bit so i’ll just go
i’ll just go i’m not gonna
no because i know
how important it is
especially like artists on the french
line i’ve worked with
quite a bit
on that tv show
most of them are sovereignists or
separatists whoa
yeah because they probably know they
wouldn’t survive if the full country
could hear them
they want to stay in one area and only
speak french
i’m gonna i’m
gonna stay neutral god
damn not a competitive
motherfuckers
topic listen i love montreal and i love french
candidate don’t get
me wrong it’s
not what i’m saying
as a human being as a
human being i don’t
i don’t like getting attached to anything man yeah
especially getting attached to the way you say
things certain
language gives a fuck
and everybody’s like
someone said that to me man
you’re not careful man
fucking english
gonna be a second language
and everybody’s
gonna speak
spanish first
i go well then i’ll
learn spanish
you fucking
dummy guess what
stupid it’s not it’s not
gonna happen within my lifetime and if i grew up
learning spanish instead of english
does that really make a difference god damn it
of course it
doesn’t you fucking stooge
it’s what you’re
thinking is what’s important it’s not
what language you
think it in that’s dumb
it’s better if we all have one language
let’s get rid of
i mean we got rid of latin
okay can’t we
get rid of chinese let’s do this kick that shit out
you guys know how to
say english
things chinese
going anywhere come on
get rid of it
the ultimate
of a president got into office it’s like
first of all
everybody’s
gotta fucking
learn english done
all right you
wanna really communicate
it’s real simple okay
learn english
we won’t bomb you
you learn english
is that a deal the fuck
is it so hard
and no secret languages
kill all your
other languages because
i don’t want you to be saying some shit that i don’t
understand yeah okay
when i knew president
when i was seventeen i was on
spring break and
fucking president
this is probably the probably is there’s
fucking a lot of dudes that are listening to that going
well fuck yeah man he’s got a fucking good point
we do have all the bombs
fuck all those
brown queers
brown queers and quebec
speaking french
all over the
world all of them anyway
fucking even english if the spanish
win i’m on the spanish side i’m whoever’s winning
i’m with evolution god damn it
oh yeah mexico comes over and takes over america well i
guess we should have made cocaine
legal you fuck yeah
look what you did stupid
the fucking mexican gangsters
take over the country
they realize how soft we are
we’re creating a
whole nation of
savage killers down there
you know you’ve seen those
video footages
from live leak with a
12 year old
hitman or fucking torturing people before they kill him
yo that mean that’s
right there you can
drive there
this is nuts the fact that we’re not dealing with that
that we shouldn’t be even fucking afghanistan
it takes like
twelve hours to get there on a plane
shouldn’t be we beer
right next door
where everyone’s
crazy where they’re cutting people’s fucking heads off
and selling coke
god damn motherfuckers how
about on hollywood fucking boulevard the
mexicans are mad at me
the french canadians are mad at me
yeah i’m trying to piss off everybody today
you either gave
i already said
yeah dude so
they’re mad at me too everyone some
verizon french canadians
i love you i love you and i love your poutine
i love the comedy works in montreal
that little club i did it last time i was in montreal
fucking great man
you know montreal always confused me
because i lived in boston and i had this
cold weather douchebag theory
i was like well
the reason why boston people are so douchey
is because it’s cold as fuck up there and
you get angry like six
months out of year you
know mass holes we
call them and
but i was like but wait a
minute i go up to montreal it’s
three hours
north or more right
more driving it was like four
hours north
four hours from
boston four fucking
hours in a car
north of boston
and the people
are cool as fuck and it’s like a european city
it’s more sophisticated it’s
like the cultures
totally different
the women are so much nicer
you know it’s
weird man it’s a
weird weird
thing yeah but also we’re very polite so we kinda
hide that shit
like you guys are just like fuck you and we’re like
fuck this guy
yeah but fuck
this guy’s way nicer to be around yeah keep it
together shithead no yeah i know you guys like
boston like
everyone from 18 to 20
everyone’s always up in montreal just
partying because like you guys
still don’t
understand 21
to drink it’s good
it’s good because
it makes it harder
for people to get into bars it shouldn’t be in bars
and it’s good because they don’t know how to
not drink and drive yet
that’s the scariest
shit just got the
license you know
the scariest shit to me is kids that don’t know how to
drive and they’re
drinking you
know i’ve seen
stupid shit man i’ve seen people rear end people and
i’ve seen many things
i think it’s a good thing i
think they shouldn’t be able to
drive if they’re 21
i shouldn’t have been able to drive
but the problem is you have to work
you gotta let him
drive at 18 or 17 or whatever
the fuck it is but i saw some fucking kid down the
street the other day in his mom’s
lexus like it was a big lexus
truck and suv
he couldn’t have been more than 15 16 years old
and this kid was fucking riding my
ass and weaving through traffic and cutting lanes off
and going way over the speed
limit i’m like kid you don’t know how to drive yet
you’re taking a big chance with a
large vehicle that
doesn’t stop well
it doesn’t turn well at all they’re
giant trucks
and this fucking kid is driving like
you know like he’s doing a
formula one racing scary shit
he got away with it i mean he got home he didn’t die
but something
could have happened easily someone
could have fucked up
someone could have ran off a curb something
you know he
could have had to make a
split second move and there
would have been a rap
what you think
about it 15
16 years old like i was retarded totally retarded
totally like an
idiot and to be in
to be behind the wheel
controlling this huge hunk of metal
like around
thousands of people yeah i don’t
think that’s a good idea it’s
funny this has been a
topic of conversation
recently even on my message
board about
people that were like 20
when i was saying that when i was 20 i was retarded
like you know don’t tell me what the fuck is
going on when you’re 20 i don’t
wanna hear you talk about
you know what’s
wrong with the
world when you’re 20
and a lot of people like you know
back in the
fucking middle ages you know 20 was middle aged
like you know
you know we could try
don’t discount
my opinion because i’m 20 years old i totally
agree with you have 10 kids and have you killed
15 people right
like you’re not from
the same person
you’re playing
world of warcraft your mom’s basement you’re
not the same 20 year old and it’s not to undervalue
your opinion or your observations you
might be very intelligent
you might have some observations that are very valid
it’s not saying that
it’s just the fact that you’re even confident enough to
want people
to listen to your opinion at 20
shows me you’re on the
wrong road alright
stop being cocky
you should be like
just asking questions and looking around all right
just jumping in
and trying to
force your opinions
on when you’re 20 you don’t really know that much
you might have some information but
man you look back on
what you were like when you were
20 there’s no
20 year old that
is gonna be able to
stand on television with a
microphone and tell the
world what needs to be
fixed you know
just fucking stop dude
it’s a developmental
cycle you’re very confident you’re very intelligent
congratulations
but don’t get
ahead of yourself
you know when
i was 20 i was fucking dumb but i thought i was
smart and i was
right about a lot of
things you know i had a good
point of view
but it was still you’re just fucking spastic you’re
just like that 15 year old kid driving that truck
you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing you’re
slamming into
walls and shit you don’t know how to use the brakes
yeah you know
i have once in a
while i have to
check in with
early 20s john i mean in terms
of morally like
i was so like
oh this i’m
reading and i was
still like very curious and i
loved reading like in the
early 20s like i thought like i figured it out like my
moral code and
i was so like well like what was the code
were you into
oh i don’t know i was very much
a vegan for a
while oh really
yeah but like
i know i know but
that took me a little
while to go okay no because
i was reading a lot like i’m trying to figure out
what is a right decision was
wrong decision like
right figuring it out sure
and that was part now like a
total like a different
completely different person but my
early twenties like
everything was an important
moral decision
and i have very like my parents
are like really pentecostal like really religious very
good people but you know very religious people
so i kind of have that baggage
where i’m like you know i’m trying to
you know doing good is like what makes my parents
proud and as opposed to like oh i have all
these fans and
stuff like if i do something
like really nice or
something like that that’s when my parents are really
proud of me right
like i kind of have this thing
so i was trying to figure like
and now you
know i’m 30
and like i’m living in la
and you know like i
have a bit of
success and so
once in a while i have to go okay
early 20s john
am i being an asshole
right now and am i being a good person
what do you
think and a lot of times like
fuck you asshole don’t talk to me
well was early 20s john a radical though was
he no no no
no no i was very no i’m
still very close to who i was but i was
much more like i guess
rigid about
things so like there’s more like
i don’t know like i went
certain like the
super i still don’t i when when i’m
shopping like i try to
give my money
where like it’s because buying is voting but back in
right like really
it’s that early
when you’re
figuring shit out you’re like i just read this book
naomi clients
you know the
whatever the fuck it was called in i’m like okay
i get it and then you know you try to like
be i don’t know
everything’s kind of
black and white
when you realize you get
older you’re like oh it’s all gray
and you try to figure
it out you try to be a good person as much as you can
and try to approach
things with love and all that kind of stuff
it’s very tricky you
know the eating of animals
thing is a really
very controversial subject
and i know a lot of people
that have a lot of different opinions of it and they’re
all very very like
adamant about how they are like the people who
eat meat just really want to justify it and they get
super aggressive
about it and you
know the people that don’t
i mean i’ve had some
annoying motherfuckers on my message board
that want to talk to me
about eating animals like
just try being
like go on and on and on just trying to
shove it in your
throat like god damn you
annoying fuck
you socially retarded dunce
whatever you’re doing is
gonna make me not want to do it do you not get that
when people say
annoying shit like that and like you’re
gonna make a mistake
you know think of karma
fucking think of
kicking you in the dick
stupid get away
get away with your nonsense everyone
hates those
those beans are
alive you fuck
okay those beans you’re eating they’re
screaming as you bite down on them
you boil them they’re
dying in there they’re rotting and boiling
water that lettuce
screams in agony
as you rip it from its fucking mother
fuck you no fuck
that’s life too
stupid it’s like
why is animal life more important than plant life
because we’re semi related
you know but that’s fucking
stupid because you step on bugs all the time
we’re convenient shitheads all
right and the
funny the most
the funniest
thing is that
eating meat and the animal proteins helped us develop
and come to the
point in our consciousness of
where we are
cause it helped develop the
brain rapidly
which is the funniest
thing well that’s actually a controversial theory is it
yeah because it
doesn’t work that way with
other predators
i mean jaguars don’t have big
brains you know
and by the way
that theory
that theory i believe was formulated before
they realize how many
monkeys chimpanzees eat
you know they didn’t realize
how fucking ruthless
and violent chimps really were
until they started doing some studies i forget the the
the guy’s name
who ran the show was like a bbc show
but he was the
first one to get footage of chimps eating
monkeys and i
think that was in the 90s
so i think these ideas that they had
about that there was two
other theories
one of them is a
throwing arm
and that when people developed the ability to
throw things
that sort of
kicked off our
evolution because we
started killing
things that were
far away from us
and we started getting better at hunting
we thrived and as we thrived
we got a little bit more
confidence and we started
thinking about
things more
it’s like that the more
calm you can get the more control over your environment
the more you have free time
think about shit because you’re not always
fighting off
jaguars and all
these different
things so we figured out how to do
things like
throw spears
throw rocks you know
that’s one theory that’s another theory the
other one is
psychedelics
other one is
psychedelic
mushrooms and that’s the most
controversial one but really the most fascinating one
and it’s terrence mckenna’s
stoned ape theory
and this theory is that somewhere
along the line
and this is the undisputable fact somewhere
along the line the human
brain size doubled
over a period of two million years and that is
in the entire fossil record the most confusing thing
more than anything
they’re like well how does this happen
it’s weird for any
organ to grow
double the size
but the most
spectacular
organ as far as creating
things on the planet is in no question
the brain the
human brain
we alter our environment we create nuclear bombs
beyond a doubt
it all happens
supposedly inside this area and this area
doubled in two years
well it’s coincidentally also the same time that
the rainforest receded in the
grasslands there was a climate change
and terrence mckenna’s theory is that
monkeys were forced or
lower primates
were forced
to come out of the trees and
experiment with
new food sources because the rainforest were gone
and these animals
that were in this once lush tropical environment
had to adapt to this new environment and one of the
things they did was
there was a lot of cows that were eating the
grass and they
would flip over cow turds
looking for bugs
and that’s the best
place for cubansis
mushrooms to grow
so these cubansis mushrooms
would grow in this cow shit
and these chips and
whatever the fuck they were you know
lower primates
australia pithicus
whatever the fuck it was
they would eat
these mushrooms and
the idea is twofold one
that there was a
direct increase in
their ability to see things
because when you eat psilocybin
especially in low doses it increases your visual acuity
and the other
thing was that it
would give them this sort of community
like loving
atmosphere protecting
atmosphere and that
would also aid in their
less conflicts the less conflicts that they had
would aid in
their innovation
you know just like
with the other thing and
also they would
start having
psychedelic
experiences
and in large doses
these psychedelic
experiences
would slowly help them evolve much much
quicker and sort of
figure things out that they
maybe not have figured out
and the idea the really
weird part of the idea
is that they think
this is all mckenna
and a few other psychos
they think that what mushrooms are is some sort of an
alien intelligence that has come here from an asteroid
because the reason for that is there’s no
like there’s
nothing that can survive in a vacuum better than spores
and we know that a
bunch of shit has come here on asteroids from
other planets like dna
or excuse me
amino acids and
the building
blocks for life
and water water comes on comets and asteroids
and we know that
spores can survive
in a vacuum and the idea is that somewhere
on some other planet
there was some type of a spore
and it came here on an asteroid landed
and the way it communicates with people is you eat it
and that this is what caused
human beings to evolve out of
monkeys i mean it is one of those
five bong hit
stare at space
and think it through for like 10 hours at
first it sounds totally ridiculous that
mushrooms are silly
but is there
like i mean
if he’s one scientist or whatever that thinks that
he’s not even a scientist
really i mean he was a scholar i mean
i don’t know what was the ethno botanist i
think was his
you know his chosen
so like if you ask any of the
other thousands of scientists that
would know that anything
close to what he’s talking about
when they think
very few very high yes sure
well first of all
you have to realize that as a scientist
first of all
getting behind anything that advocates
a completely new direction in
evolution and one
based on psychedelic mushrooms illegal drugs
that’s a tough fucking
cell yeah so most scientists would
never choose that as
a point of study it’s just like that or is it just
like no come on could be that it could be that too
but it’s also they discount
the idea that mushrooms
could be some sort of potential
human evolution tool they discount that
cause it sounds ridiculous that an illegal drug
could potentially aid in your evolution
and most of them are
ignorant of the
experience itself i mean
maybe some of
them have fucked around with it had a little bit
but to have a real full blown
psychedelic
experience i guarantee you you
wouldn’t discredit it so what are
these monkeys instead of like
taking the cow turds they were like
they took one bite like this is
gross and they told
their friends
don’t eat food
that’s come on and eat bugs
that’s dumb that’s dumb because
they don’t know
this whole theory does make it makes no sense
right but they do
they’ve observed them eating
mushrooms i observe
other time ago
no all monkeys now eat
you know a lot of animals
target psychedelic substances like reindeer target
the amanita muscaria
mushroom in siberia
they’re famous for it
they like knock people over to get the mushrooms
they fucking love them my dog used to
knock shit over to get to my weed man my dog
really really weed
well i smoke
and i leave like little butts and he just go
and i come back and be acting all weird
and look in the ashtray it’s just like all
empty and like
you know this subject
is a very controversial one because whenever you
a lot of people have a very
strong opinion
against this idea
and they just like that’s
ridiculous that
doesn’t make
sense you know
mushrooms like
think about what the fuck mushrooms do do to you
if you’ve done it
if you’ve ever
done it you know what they do you it’s fucking crazy
beyond description
your whole world changes
everything around you becomes interlocking geometric
patterns that you can see through to infinity
yeah just that
experience itself what the fuck is happening yeah
why is it so
powerful and why it’s so
unanimously
positive yeah like friday
do that to your mind yeah
what’s going on
and if it is an
agent of evolution
right are you know but you’re not being poisoned
the ld 50 rate for psilocybin
mushrooms is like fucking 50
pounds or something
that’s like
what you have to eat to kill half the people
it’s ridiculous it’s like you can’t die from it
we’re talking
about like hundreds
of times more than the effective dose
it would take to kill you you’d have to be a
total idiot to die for mushrooms
right i mean it’s like
you just probably
throw up anyway
yeah there are some
i don’t think anybody’s ever died
unless there’s some
toxic mold that was on it
which is very common in mushrooms
or not only that mushrooms that look like psilocybin
mushrooms but there’s some
other fucking one that
completely jacks your
system crazy
but that’s the problem with anything like you
could say yeah there’s no mold on
these mushrooms you’re not
gonna die and there
could be mold on this well
guess what you’re supposed to be
buying or not buying them supposed to be eating them
right out of the ground are supposed to be
legal yeah i
know this is all
you know a subject of you know
what we’re doing to like food
you know we don’t let anybody grow
their own mushrooms
you know it’s fucking really hard to get too
so you don’t
know who’s handling it and how the guys growing it
if you had it yourself it was
legal you could
have it in your goddamn backyard or in your basement
a whole shelf of mushrooms easy
as fuck yeah
yeah i got a dude who had like
scout mushrooms out here like i
back home used to have like a reliable source
where it didn’t kill me and was awesome
right but i just i just
so weird when it’s not controlled yeah
you’re like not only that
dude it’s selling
he’s selling something illegal and that’s
where it gets tricky
you know the
real problem with illegal drugs is that you
gotta talk to people to get em
you know that’s the you know
deal with some dude and he wants to sell you mushrooms
come on man who is this guy you’re selling mushrooms
where are you
at in your life you’re selling mushrooms you know
how crazy are
you you know you wearing a wire get the fuck over here
you know you know it’s like yeah
that’s the problem
you shouldn’t
have to deal with some person who’s willing to
break the law
what it should be is there’s no fucking law
and by the way there’s a lot
of cool people sell mushrooms don’t get me wrong yeah
i’m just teasing
but what i’m saying is
valid in a lot of cases
man i remember the guy we used to deal with this dude
named jake the
snake that’s how he used to get weed
before before i got a medical card
this motherfucker was so
annoying he was so
annoying that
eddie bravo had a
choke him out like
three times
he couldn’t believe that
eddie could
choke him out he’s like man it was a real
fight dude i kick your ass
and so eddie’s like come on but you act like an asshole
and the guys like i’m telling you man that you
do shit ain’t
gonna work on me
and he’s like okay
okay let’s go out in the yard and let’s fight
so eddie takes some down straggles and puts him to
sleep wakes him up
this didn’t happen man
it didn’t fucking happen that’s bullshit you got lucky
so they do it
again let’s go
again let’s go
again a takes him down
chokes him out puts
him to sleep
like you fucking
dummy that’s a
black belt brazilian
jiu jitsu like really you
think you could just
you just you’re just
tough enough to
fight that shit off this is
where we used to got get our weed from it was so
annoying this guy was so dumb
he was like
a dude whose half his head was made of cardboard
it was just
like there’s something in there that’s dulling your
electrical circuits
this wet cardboard is leaking on the circuitry this
whole fucking thing is shorting out
he was just dumb
this motherfucker sold weed
yeah that was his name jake the
snake yeah but
you’re like this
the the monkey
thing and mushroom it’s very possible man wait harder
for me to go i believe in something
then for me to dis not dis
whoa fuck i just lost my i know what you’re saying
but like yeah i remain to graham
open like see dudes just the fuck that were
we used to be like bacteria
on this rock
and now we’re sitting here talking with headphones
about shit on computer like yeah that’s fucking weird
so if you go oh
maybe that happened yeah
maybe it did happen like i’m not
gonna disbelieve
but for me to go for sure this
thing happened
that’s harder to do my
point exactly
i love that you just said that i always say the
exact same thing when it comes to
ufos and stuff
and i’m like
why do you want to believe do you have personal
experience with the ufo
you’ve been
taken aboard
how do you not know that all
these people are
crazy cause i know a lot of
crazy people man people are full of shit
they lie a lot you have to always keep that
brian always says it best
you always gotta keep all doors open
what do you say
we were talking
about this once before when it was
about ufos oh keep
everything on the table
keep everything yeah
you know i keep
everything on the table yeah
right don’t just commit to one
thing or the
other man yeah right
when you’re
speaking about life and and this is mean
think about this is the nuttiest
fucking shit ever
there’s a new
study that they
found in that life today
resembles life
of a billion years ago
or cancer today rather it resembles life of a
billion years
ago you saw that yeah
i’m gonna try to find the audience
it’s very scary
because what it implies is that
what we came out of we came out of here it is
right here here’s the article
life resemble
cancer cells
resemble life one billion years ago and they have all
these these
comparisons and
this is all like some serious
scientific study
about the origins
of life and the origins of cancer and the idea
and this is
where it could be
completely insane
but the idea is if
human life becomes so fucked up and chaotic
and so unnatural and so
polluted by chemicals and destroyed by
ideology and nonsense and we just
breed ourselves down to mush
this is the mush
what this is is this is what
started life in the
first place life was
just a series of fucking
cells that grew out of control and became eventually
human beings
and for this shit
to be growing inside of us at an ever expanding rate
constantly is like
the primordial
ooze trying to
reclaim its creation
this is the universal fucking etch a
sketch and they’re shaking it
right now yeah
wrap your fucking head around that man
that’s what cancer is man
what cancer is is absolute
proof positive
that this is the
wrong path and
the universe is slowly swallowing the
human race back up
wrap your shit around that homie
that’s the universe’s noah’s ark
fuck man all
right you know and we don’t
we don’t look
at it that way i mean we’re obviously just
learning this
but we don’t look at it as being like something that
could like be reversed that quickly
but look at like
you know they’re talking
about like cancer of like like the ten thousand a
hundred thousand years ago the people didn’t get cancer
they didn’t get cancer
there’s a lot of scientists that believe that
all cancer is within
the industrial age and
previously before that any exposure to chemicals
and things that
carcino just shit
but that this shit
doesn’t really
exist in nature
and when you’re eating like
a primate or
what you call it a paleo diet
you know of all vegetables and all
you know clean animals that you kill
like you’re not getting
introduced to any of the shit that creates cancer
and i don’t know if that’s
right or not i mean i don’t know how the fuck they
could ever prove it
they would have
to go back in time you know whatever a hundred
thousand years or whatever the fuck it was before
people ever figured out how to fuck with chemicals
was that ten thousand years ago not even
probably only a couple
yeah chemicals
and when was the
first cancer
when was the
first cancer ever
you know recorded
fuck it’s a really interesting
thing man yeah
it really is
let’s just get crazy
and let’s give it a few thousand years let’s say the
first cancer
started like 2 000 years ago okay
if that is the case
think about what a
short period of time that is
two thousand years to tonight
to today and you
compare how much more people have cancer now
and how many more people are around now
than before
and constantly we’re working on a cure for it we’re
gonna figure it out
we’re gonna figure it out
it’s like whoa
what is this yeah what the fuck is cancer
like that’s life
it’s life growing out of
control exactly
and the way to get this is the
crazy thing
about life growing out of control and cancer
the way they kill it
is they fucking poison the shit out of you
they poison the shit out of you and they hope that
this thing dies before the host does yeah
that’s what chemotherapy is
that’s terrifying man
that’s a terrifying notion
it’s like you have a parasite inside you and we’re
gonna slowly
bring you to
death’s door
and hopefully it’ll kill the parasite
and then you get to like
start eating oatmeal
again and walking without a limp
and then as soon as that happens
again oh your friend is back for another fucking round
he grabs a hold of you
tries to choke you and drag you to the ground
my brother had hodgkins when
he was like
14 years old oh my god
i had lumps and
stuff you went see a doctor
first doctor went see like yeah you’re working out
it’s normal something your glands or whatever
okay go to a
second doctor no no you have cancer
like and wow
yeah i know he did the chemotherapy
and everything he’s fine
and you know what were the lumps like
dude he had like this
huge lump right here
like it’s joey
well that’s what dexter had
the dude yeah
what’s his name philip michael hall
michael c halls
who’s philip michael hall
guy from the 80s
so yeah it’s a really common
thing right yeah what is it what do they
think it’s cause from do you have any idea the genetic
idea man and i mean it’s
night time we grew up like we’re just like eating
like i have a big family they brothers and
sisters so we like we’d eat
hot dogs and hamburger helper and and just you
never know where it can come from you know right
right couldn’t be like genetic and like all that
stuff of my my aunt
died of the same thing when she was 24
like way back when she was
young so it’s somewhat
in the genetics but at the same time you
never know me
and paranoid
like i like you got a doctor like twice a year
no i don’t go to the doctor probably for that reason
i probably should do
wow that’s terrifying
yeah no it is do you eat really healthy
yeah i eat well
i know a dude who eats really bad and he’s got cancer
right now just
he’s got really
pale skin and he’s always out in the sun
and apparently got some
skin cancer and cancer and he eats terrible it’s all
mashed potatoes
and fucking meatloaf and shit you know no vitamins
so homeboys gotta
start eating like a serious serious
heavy green diet very leafy
thick green vegetables
whenever i do
that man whenever i got really heavily into like eating
salads like big
salads every day yeah
really feel way better it’s really amazing it’s like
most of our food is so fucking
dead you know so yeah
like you can get something
there’s something out of eating
plants out of eating live
things you know
you really do get something from it you know
but the thing is you
gotta get you gotta get
fresh you know
organic like
in montreal
like i just
went back there last week it’s snowstorm like nothing
fresh is growing there yeah
so everything’s imported from all around the world
sprayed with kent
if you’re not getting organic and
fresh like the shit’s been in a freezer
sitting in chemicals
you gotta wash your lettuce like
my brother worked at a
fruit and vegetable plant
he said they
used to take the celery out you have to wear
gloves when
you like they’d unload it from the
boxes and put it in the front
because he’d get burns on his hands
from the chemicals that were on the celery think
about that shit you’re putting that in your body man
and how long do
you have to wash the celery for that shit together well
right how long
would it take before he
started getting burns
oh he said like you
learn right away like
you handle it a bit
and it’s just the chemicals
especially on celery for some reason
fuck i love celery man i make
celery juice all the time yeah well if you get
then once again organic and
fresh i do but
still yeah i’ve
heard a lot of organic is bullshit too they
label it as organic and it’s not really organic
yeah what does organic
stand for i mean
what is the actual
definition of
organic does it mean no chemicals no pesticides
no genetically modified i
think that’s
what’s supposed to mean supposed to mean then
but as we know
if you watch
those documentaries like food
ink like the
genetically
modified this shit
flies all over the
place that’s nuts
well that’s what’s really crazy
about genetically modified crops is how they affect
other farmers
got ensued because the shit
flew through the air and landed on
their fields
and they found
these crops and they’ll do a test on them and then
these guys have to go to
court and they want
money from them
it’s like it’s the
most evil shit ever monsanto is one of the most evil
corporations ever
by the way and
there was some fucking
thing online
about them buying
blackwater i don’t know if they did
i don’t know if they did but
there was like people were like this is the end of the
world this is like
the most evil organizations ever
and one’s gonna buy the
other and they’re
gonna become one massive
super evil organization
would you imagine
they wanna fuck over the
whole world they
wanna take over the food industry they
wanna make sure that people have to pay them for
their crops
you don’t own your crops
you don’t own the seeds you can’t replant the seeds and
we got an army
we got an army private army
that will do anything we
tell yeah i need to find out if that actually is
still happening dude
if it was bullshit
or if they just hired him for something
yeah there’s this
great french documentary life according to monsanto
which is on google people
should yeah i
watched it yeah it’s
crazy what’s the seed called the one that doesn’t
you know you have to keep buying it
it’s not the shot the shotgun
it’s something like
it’s a seed that
doesn’t you know it’s not
a crop that will keep coming back you have to plant it
every season
fuck i don’t
romantically
modified seed that
you have to just the farmers are at monsanto’s mercy
because they can’t just keep
some of the the crops and read like
these things die every year
right right
right right
they’ve engineered them now
yeah they engineered the
what’s this car is
called anyway
but yeah no they’re like you’ve looked at
well okay here’s the answer
there they’re hiding it because it’s a
they’ve this is
one one article said monsanto buys blackwater
and then another
argument or another
article rather says black
water has been sold via a shell company and a pair
of private equity firms
so does this mean monsanto has
actually bought into
black water
and they’re saying there’s no way to know
how creepy and
scary are these
motherfuckers
when one of the biggest
corporations that controls the food on this planet
has its own
private army
do you know how
crazy that is whoa
how come this isn’t being discussed
everybody wants to talk
about how many
black guys kim
kardashians fucked
everyone wants to talk
but i know gay people shouldn’t get
married yeah this is
scary people are
taking over the
world and you’re worried
about fucking guys
getting married yeah well the crazy
thing is people
think this is
ridiculous this is like hippie
nonsense all this fucking
you know what are you doing
listen no no no this is big business this is
what this is this is the biggest business in the world
the number one business in the
world besides drugs is food
and the only reason
why drugs is more than food is because drugs is illegal
food’s worth way more than drugs drugs
should be cheaper
but they’re illegal
fuck man but it’s probably not even
close anyway more people
spend way more
money on food than drugs anyway even though
drugs really
even if you’re
forget what i
was like a maniac yeah
you would have to be
off the charts
everybody would have to be off the charts
but anyway so
how the fuck man how
could this happen
i man dude i
that’s so scary
it’s very scary i mean i just read like on another
similar kind of
thing i just read
about there’s
gonna start selling genetically modified
salmon that grows
twice as big and in half the time
and you’re like
they’re like oh we’re not too worried
about this the
these cross
pollination and
going into the wild
and like course you’re gonna go
you’re like
you’d have no
and they’re like
oh the tests have proven that it’s fine like there’s
no really how long have you tested this on a
generation of people
no you haven’t no one has a
fucking clue no fucking idea they’re like oh we’ve
tried for three months
never no one got sick
let’s put a new species
of the animal that
way out on the
market for people to eat
there’s a fish that
i mean just
whenever an
animal comes from another ecosystem and invades
as an alien
they can ruin
everything man
i think there’s i
think it’s called the
snake head i
think that’s the name of the fish
but it’s a fish that i believe it’s
from africa i’m just talking out of my ass right now
i’ll find out what it is but
snakehead invasion
is what i’m
gonna look up
because these fish
they started
showing up in lakes and ponds and just eating
everything dude
eating everything yes
snakehead that’s exactly what it is
yeah they’re in
they’ve turned up in lakes and
rivers all over the country
and it’s a real big problem because they’re like
invincible they just came from
breed like a
motherfucker i’m looking for it on here
it doesn’t say what country comes from
why are they
so fucking cobra island
wikipedia let’s see
it’s a scary
thing though man they just come
in and like imagine if you’re like the guy who likes
going fishing and they’re
scary as fuck looking man they look like some fucking
crazy dinosaur
thing man okay
they are from africa so i wasn’t talking to my ass
so this is the
this is the fish
it looks like look at this shit
it looks like a dinosaur holy shit yeah
looks like a dinosaur i mean look at that fucking thing
that’s a creepy looking fucking fish
and dudes just
have them for pets i had piranhas for pets and it was
against the law
because of that very reason yeah
but i know a
dude who knows a dude i’m saying i’ll get you some
piranhas yo
how do i get a
legal piranhas
that’s pretty badass i
promise it was but it wasn’t there
like your cat
in there to feed them like what do you do i love my cat
man come on
well what it had no
goldfish goldfish
yeah goldfish is
is what they love okay
yeah it’s a it’s a trip
watching them feed too man
you can feed them hot
dogs and shit like that too if you’re really not into
watching them kill something
but there’s something so primal
about watching
those fucking
things just attack a
school of goldfish
and the goldfish it was really a sick
thing that i used to do
i used to get a bag of goldfish
and then i would sit i’d pull my bar
stool in front of this giant tank
this giant tank
how many how many
promise at one
point i had 30
jesus yeah it was a big tank
yeah it was huge tank was
i don’t know hundreds of gallons
i forget how many hundreds but it was really big
anyway it was
maybe over a thousand it
might have been over a thousand gallons i think whoa
i don’t even remember
anymore it’s been so many years anyways big tank
i had too many when i had like thirty
it was good number when i had like five
five is good number
because they get crazy you
start killing each other
if you have too many of them
they preach
not even if you have
too many of them just one of them shows up with a limp
hmm that’s a wrap
that’s rep daisy
even if they’re not hungry they just attack them
they just tack them and fuck them up
so i would dump the goldfish in there
and they would look at the goldfish for a
second and they
would like slowly move closer
slowly move closer
and then one of them
would go for it
and when one of them
would go for it they
would just dart snap
and cut a goldfish in half
and then the
blood would be in the
water and then it was on like donkey kong
and then i would sit there and
watch them go back and forth and chasing them around
these little
driftwood things and shit
and the goldfish don’t know what the fuck is going on
and they’re just getting cut down like a goddamn horror
movie just and they’re primal man they’re fucking
savage they’re stealing
dead goldfish from each
other like one’s got a half a goldfish the
other one comes out and bites it off of his face
so after a good
killing when they
would go nuts
they would be missing lips and shit
their lips would because they would be
stealing from each
other and they cut
their own lips off
so they were always like this really
they’re creepy looking anyway
but they were even more creepy when
their white
teeth were exposed and they’d be
swimming around this fucking tank
and a lot of people cut
their lips off
just so they can see the
white teeth
you pull them out and you remove
their lips and then you put them back in the
water and they swim around and
they swim around like monsters
they look even scarier that way modified piranhas
dude there’s a fucking
crazy piranha
it’s like a cousin
to a piranha
and they just fuck what is
the name of it this big
tiger fish and they just caught one in the
congo this guy went and they had this tv show about it
he caught this
thing in the congo
it’s the nuttiest
thing you’ve ever seen in your life
it’s got teeth that are as long as
great white
shark teeth
enormous teeth
and it looks like a
monster it does not look like a real fish
it look just this
ridiculous mouth of
giant fucking
teeth and just
these dead eyes and this
big fucking plate
covered body of death
just swimming through incredibly fast
waters and fucking
things up and it’s
huge it’s 100
pounds 150 pounds
they kill people
they’ve bitten people’s legs and shit taking
chunks out of them you fall in man
they bite you if you’re
still in there they’re
gonna keep biting
sit it’s a wrap
there’s a bunch of them there
they really are like a
giant piranha yeah
thank god we’re separated from
these fuck yeah man can you imagine
if those things had legs we’d all need to
well we’re fucked
fucking mountain lions increasing
population yeah
you know in
california especially
southern california it’s
every couple of years some asshole on a bike
gets jacked by a cougar
i know i love fucking hiking but i get so
i love smoking and
going hiking and i get so
i walk around my brother came to visit me
i was walking around with rocks
cause i saw a discovery channel thing
but people getting attacked by
mountain lions
bring mace if you
wanna bring
something bring like
i had bear mace that i used to
bring when i
would live in
colorado when i
lived in colorado i used to
carry a gun
i carried two guns once
a gun always and mace
i bring mace because bears you don’t really want to
shoot bears man
because first of all the nine
millimeter you
shoot a bear
guess what you’re not
gonna kill him
you’re just
gonna make him
really really fucking mad
you know and colorado
doesn’t have too many grizzlies like a lot of it was
black bears but
but they could i mean shit i mean
they’re in montana they’re in a lot of
places you don’t know i mean they don’t have a real
accurate number of how many grizzlies are out there
and they found a few in
colorado it was because there was
a zoo that we went
to that they had two grizzlies that were in the zoo
and the reason
why they had them in there was because they had
gotten too used to people
they start jacking people’s garbage
and once they
start jacking your garbage
that’s it they know that that’s a food source and they
never quit they
never move on to a new neighborhood
they just will
camp out and just jack your garbage
every night so it becomes an issue
and they have to kidnap them
fucking man that’s when you see them out there i mean i
never saw a bear in the wild but i did see a mountain
lion but seeing a bear
in in the zoo
and just thinking
about this thing is allowed to roam around
in the same area as you
yeah but this is a
monster this is a
giant fucking
enormous monster yeah
and sometimes they get really hungry oh
and they’ll eat your kids
they’ll fuck you up man yeah dude
did you see grizzly man no no
no dude you guys best comedy ever yeah
oh my god what’s
grizzly man grizzly man is a documentary
about this guy
named timothy treadwell
and timothy treadwell
was this guy who was like in love with grizzlies
it was one of the
weirdest things ever man
really strange and the guy was
uber gay just really gay and
completely in denial
and the way he
would like face his gayness
was to live in the woods with
these fucking bears
it was the strangest thing ever
this guy there was so many deep
psychological issues
going on with this
guy they’re like a bear
closet yeah like
they interview his friends and they’re like well he
used to talk in an accent then he stopped he’s one of
those guys and he’s
completely nuts
and he’d be out there
i’m the only one who’s out here saving
these bears
meanwhile the
park rangers like you don’t have to save them
right they’re
bears no one’s here
you’re not doing anything
you’re crazy
you’re living with
these bears you’re actually
endangering the bears because you’re
getting the bears used to being in contact with humans
and that’s what gets bears in
trouble they get used
to people being around because he’s around all the time
and they go well let me go just jack this dude picnic
basket and then you got to shoot him
so what he’s actually doing is fucking
these bears over right
so this guy is just out there
every year i’m here saving
these bears
these bears without me they’d be nowhere
and he’s like he calls them he has a
bunch of names so i’m
hello mr cupcake
you know and the bear takes a shit
and he runs over to the bear shit he goes it’s warm
oh it just came out of her butt
it just came out of her butt this is warm
it’s polish
warm like this guy is
touching it
and he’s excited
that he’s in contact with this
shit that just came out of her ass and i’m not kidding
and he thinks it’s a
magical shit
like he’s amazed by it this is amazing it’s warm
he actually said this he’s feeling her shit
saying that it’s warm
could you imagine if he was doing that to a woman
there’s a woman a
woman out you
know he runs into her bathroom and fucking
jacks her shit and he’s holding on to it it’s warm
just came out of her butt it’s warm
oh sure it’s just as
bizarre just as
bizarre to be doing that with a fucking bear you weirdo
great movie
is that on the end he dies yeah sure it is
it’s werner
herzog oh yeah
it’s fucking fascinating because
it seems like werner herzog is not in on the joke
which makes it even more interesting
it’s like this guy’s a brilliant documentarian
does he know how hilarious this is cause it
doesn’t appear that he does because it
doesn’t seem like he’s playing it off that way at all
and even when he talks to the
woman at the end i
would love to sit down with him
off the record and ask him a question
i would love to go
did you know that was
funny when you were doing it
because it’s goddamn brilliant dude
it’s hilarious
it’s so funny
sounds like a
great christopher
guest movie they
deadpan everybody too they
bring in like the sheriff
from up in alaska well i knew he was
gonna get in
trouble up there
fuck they have
these interviews with
these people and they’re
talking about
how he had to
recognize the body
and how they had to
shoot the bear
cause the bear was
still there like
guarding over the
bodies yeah
the guy had flown over
oh yeah you have to kill him once they
start killing people you have
to kill him
but what it was
was the guy
they called it suicide by bear
and what happened was the guy
had just decided to stay way past you’re supposed to
and when you get to a certain
point in time
the bears that are conscious or that are up
that aren’t hibernating
are all the ones who are dying
they’re all really old
and the really old bears get desperate and
they can’t get any food
and they started killing
their own babies
and when you see bears kill their own
babies you’re supposed to get the fuck out of there
cause if they’re killing
their babies they’re desperate as fuck
you know they’re eating anything they eat
their own goddamn
babies and he
basically went back in
october november when the bears are camping in
and bear killed him
and took a long time
and there’s a
video but there’s no
image because the lens cap was on
but the camera was running
and they have like
seven minutes of him getting torn
apart by bears
by this one bear
and cause the thing
about bears is
they just start eating you
see a real carnivore
or rather a real predator like a cat
cats kill you
first because they
wanna keep killing things
and they don’t
wanna have to
worry about
fighting you
you know the
hyenas though
hyenas just
start eating
and that’s the same with bears
bears they get you down they just
started eating
monkeys chimps when chimps kill monkeys
they just eat them
they don’t kill them
first there’s
videos of chimps
screaming while
monkeys rather
screaming while a chip
has a hold of its little body
and is biting its legs off
pulling it apart
and this monkey
screaming and it looks like a little person
it looks like a
weird little
person in an outfit
and it’s getting ripped
apart by this chimp who’s this
chewing on it
it’s fucking
dark dude and that’s what bears do
and that’s what
bear did to timothy treadwell
just ate him
for seven minutes
until he died somewhere that footage
exists to no
video man only
audio there’s no
video footage
yeah but werner herzog
listen to it that fucking he didn’t play it for us yeah
he said this this is too much for people to handle
we you need to burn this burn this like bitch
why don’t you let some
other people decide
maybe just being a little overreactive well
when did they
shoot that how long ago
it’s a few years ago it’s like
two thousand
five years ago maybe
maybe even more than that
it might have
been like 2004
if i go and
watch this video
every time she gets his head
chopped off my brother’s like yo
check out the
video i’m like what do you well there’s nothing
graphic about it 2005
there’s nothing graphic
about it i mean they
don’t really show you but when they say the way they
found out that the guy had died was that
they flew in like with some supplies for him
and as the guy was flying in a
plane he saw a bear
that was out
what you thought was unusual and he saw the
bodies like he flew over and saw like this the
white rib cage poking up of a guy that had just been
eaten he ate two people he
ate him and he ate his
girlfriend too they’re both fucked up there
so they landed
and they had a they had a land with rangers and
rifles and shit and they had to kill the bear
and the bear they killed
the bear and they left the bear this is the really
crazy thing
and then they came back a couple of
months later
fucking nothing left
nothing of the body
it had all been absorbed
animals had eaten it
other bears had eaten it
the bones were all
crushed up it was incredible they
found like a couple of rib bones
it’s really amazing
you’re talking about this
giant grizzly bear i mean they had
photos of the bear and
video footage of the bear
from previous
stuff that he had gotten before the bear killed him
back when they were
salmon running
like they got the bear eating fish and shit dude
giant animal and it just
within a few
months it’s gone
get really big before you
watch it though oh dude it’s one of the
greatest documentaries ever she’s the most
unintentional comedy
i think ever in a document it’s like
richard simmons out in the woods it’s like a coen
brothers movie
it really is like the coen brothers like
did it as a goof
it’s like yeah
i mean i really i mean
i was amazed but it’s kind of perfect that the bear
ate him like in terms of the documentary like sure yeah
her song was probably there going yes
yeah well i believe he
started the documentary
after the guy died
oh okay yeah
how did they he had
video footage that he had shot himself for
years and years
by himself and he’s so
crazy he would set up the camera
and he would look into the camera
i’m out here
alone in this forest
protecting these bears
cause no one else gives a shit
no one gives a shit so
fuck you park ranger
fuck you united
states government
fuck you alaska like he’s just
going off like
screaming okay let’s try this
again take three
and they’ll do it
over and over and over
again and he obsessively filmed himself
so they have
not only do
they have this incredible wealth of footage from here
but i watch the grizzly man diaries okay
because he has
so much footage they turned into a fucking reality show
seven years
after this dude dead
okay and i watch it all the time
there’s a fucking reality show i
didn’t know that dude
i watch it all the time you
wanna watch it so it’s just like all the
after we’re done here
bro let’s get something to eat we’ll hit the fucking
vaporize and
we’ll fucking have a good time
it’s genius man it’s just
he’s just gold he’s gold all day i wish the
motherfuck was still
alive wasn’t
there a part i’d have him on the podcast in a hot beat
fun wasn’t there a part in it
where he goes everyone
did you already say this
everyone thinks i’m gay
then he talks
about it oh yeah there’s a
part he walks
with a camera he’s like
well you know
you know i guess no this is what he said
he goes would be so much easier if i was gay
you know just can’t
i just can’t find a girl can’t find the right girl
i can’t find the right girl
maybe it’s because you’re living in the woods with
monsters you fuck like which
chicks want to be
put in a nice roof over
their head okay they
wanna be taken care of they want a
man who loves them and supports them take you know what
yeah let’s go
live in a house made of fabric
okay amongst monsters
you want me to
sleep outside on the ground
with no more than fabric
above me while
monsters roam around
they’re my friends look it’s mr cupcake
hey mr cupcake
when you eat me
in a couple of
months can you
think you could
start from the head
first so i die
quicker as for
seven minutes this guy dies
think about how fucking long
think about holding your breath for
seven minutes
right that’s a long ass time
now think you can’t do it
now think about something eating you
for seven minutes before you die eating you
just pulling chunks out you’re
screaming and it’s just eating your feet
and you’re just squirting blood like a broken faucet
when you just pass out
i don’t know man i don’t know so you’re like okay i’m
dying and you accepted and then you wake up when
he bites your dick off
six more minutes you’re like okay
okay i’m gonna die
still still conscious to
he just starts eating your asshole just big chunks at
he’s got his giant paw and he puts it on your cheek
and just ripping out your asshole
just pulling it
literally eating your asshole while you’re still alive
dude man fuck a bear man fuck a bear
people in my neighborhood too and i
lived in the
colorado mountains
like well if you see a bear you report it
what the fuck are you talking i’m
gonna shoot that thing
i’m gonna shoot the fuck out of that thing
if i had a rifle
not with the
pistol though the pistol you got to use the main span
fucking scary animals god damn it
we need them
we need them we need them in our woods
fuck you we do
fucking kill
them all put them in zoos that’s why i don’t do the
whole i don’t i don’t know if you guys surf
but i have a
bunch of friends at surf and they want me to go i
like you you do you have any ideas like
the size of
monsters in
there guy just died recently in
santa barbara yeah
man they bit
in half in front of his friends like
if sharks were walking on land
you’d go i’m not
going where
those monsters are hanging out but
you go really on this little board
you’re going
where there are like
things that eat people
that are twice or
three or four times the size of you
you know what i
think i’m gonna play if i’m
gonna surf i’m
gonna do it on the xbox yeah right
i’ll do that
this is what i tell people if there were
three werewolves in the country
fact proven
three werewolves
would you ever be in the woods at
night on a full moon ever
why the fuck
would you take that chance
you wouldn’t okay
well there’s a million
sharks you fuck
and they’re not just
sharks when it’s a full moon
they’re sharks
every day and they can’t even stop
cause if they stop they
drown so they have to keep
swimming and they have to keep eating
they choose and license
plates and tires and they’ll eat you
they’ll eat you bro and they’ll eat you
quick they take
giant bites out of you and you’re fucked
i’m sure surfing is awesome
but it ain’t that awesome i wear
shoes in the
ocean i won’t even
fight you know that i
did like the
biggest pushy thing ever
give me some
knuckles on that
smart thinking
right there
yeah i mean people
will always like
there’s another subject
where joe needs to
lighten up he’s so scared of
things so paranoid of things
obviously a lot of this is for
entertainment
folks i’m not like shaking
every time i walk by the
ocean but the
point being
logically and realistically we’re all
gonna die eventually
absolutely but
that’s not the fun way to go
the fun way to go is you live a long life
you fucking
party your ass
off you make a lot of good friends and people miss you
when you’re gone you’re surrounded by your friends and
loved ones as you pass to the next stage of
existence not
oh look how pretty the water is
where’s my legs
and the thing is just taking
chunks out of you
i mean fucking huge man i mean there are
sharks that are
30 feet long out there
what are you talking
about 30 feet long
thirty feet long with
giant mouths that have so many
teeth if one
breaks off another one pops into its
place there’s no animal like it in the
world every
other animal when they lose a
tooth they’re fucked
okay if a lion loses his
tooth man that’s just a new
young lions
gonna take over
motherfucker
you can’t be gum and no gazelles
how you protecting me with them fucking shitty teeth
that that lion dies off not a
shark they can lose a hundred
teeth what a clink
clink oh i got more clink clink
just designed to fuck you up man and you’re
drowning at the same time
it’s like not
how fucking
horrible is drowning
you’re drowning
while something is eating your entire body
like those piranha
fucked up those goldfish man
i’m just scared of
karma man i’m fucked a lot of goldfish over
to a watery grave
if there’s any
karma out there i mean
the universe does it really give a fuck
about the difference
between life of a goldfish or life of a person
and i took some pleasure in the
death of goldfish and i set it up
i introduced some
alien fish that
aren’t even supposed to be in this environment i had
a fake artificial environment in my own home
and i would use it for
a little goldfish coliseum
playing god man i’m playing god man i ain’t
going in that
water i know what i did
wrong i’m not
going in that
water someone’s
gonna make a
genetically modified goldfish that’s
gonna get huge and it’s
gonna come for you man it’s
gonna grow legs
it’s gonna come
knock on your door did you hear
about the shit that’s
going on in russia man
what’s going on russia
dude the wolves
what is this
going on on the
screen there brian
some weird shit
right there that’s
always been like that what is it it’s like the design
oh you put it there yeah oh you fucking weirdo
trying to be artistic
anyway there’s a pack of
wolves in this area of russia there’s
unprecedentedly big
400 wolves and they’re acting
together and they’re killing livestock like horses
they’re acting together as a group
it’s really scary
and they have
groups of hunters that are
going after them
let me pull it up real
quick oh it’s really scary
imagine you’re in a
what’s that
little stroll
400 wolves dude
it’s really
scary there’s a
video of wolves in russia have you ever seen the
video on youtube
yo you gotta
check out this
video it’s fucking badass have you ever seen it
brian no some
people think it’s fake
i do not believe it’s fake
it’s a video of
these guys that are pulling over people in in russia
they’re pulling
people over for like traffic violations and it’s you
know they’re
right by the walls
the woods rather
and as they’re in there
one guy is pulling a guy over
a guy yells who’s on the
other side of the street
and as he yells
the guy who’s the cop
panics he yells something in russia panics
and gets into the car of the people he pulled over
jumps in it quick
and as he jumps in it
this pack of
wolves runs down the
street it’s a
motherfucker dude
and as they’re running they go hey
why do people think it’s fake
oh a lot of people don’t think it’s real you know
people call fake mean looking
about you you call fake and everything
pull pull yeah
pack of wolves police officer
pull that up on youtube
but anyway so this
super pack of wolves is terrorizing this fucking town
they’ve killed 30 horses in four days
yeah what they’ve
never seen anything like it before and they’ve had to
put bounties on the wolves heads
so they’re cooking 210 i don’t know what it is
because it’s
pounds i believe it is it might be euros 210 euros
it’s probably euros right do they go under the euros
that was a vodka
by the way it wasn’t
right was it fake yeah it was fake okay
well this isn’t a vodka i
find this quickly
how did they find how did they make it a vodka
i searched it and it says
wolf attack videos a viral ad for
vodka brand but it doesn’t even have the vodka
it’s vodka pull the video it’s pretty dope
find out it does seem a little bit too
well filmed yeah it did too good of a job
so anyway this
think about this shit man
that the the temperatures up there are
minus forty nine degrees celsius
and it killed off all the normal prey of these wolves
since wolves thrive in cold weather
but there’s a lot of animals
yeah what are you doing man
just cue that shit up so we don’t have to
watch this guy’s gay ad
presents i present
here it goes so
yeah see that looks like
too well framed
you know oh yeah
that’s a good traffic camera yeah
both cars are in frame
but it’s pretty
dope man i like when it happens i wish it was real
yeah i wish it was a werewolf yeah
so i mean think
about that temperature
right there 49 degrees celsius
that’s fucking
crazy that’s edmonton
minus 49 degrees yeah
and so these
wolves have
nothing to eat
so they all figured out how to get together
and this population in this town
is only 1 300 people
so wrap your head around that 1
300 people 400 wolves
so almost for every
three people there’s a wolf
oh man what the fuck man get the fuck out of that
town dude every
three people there’s a wolf
the chances of you
dying by wolf attack are like
the chance of you
dying of old age or
nothing it’s terrifying and it’s just
started to happen
again there’s been two instances in the last
fucking hundred years or so
and they’ve both been within the last 10 years
of people getting killed by
wolves it’s on record
yeah we used to
think that like
wolves are cool man they’re like dogs man they’re like
rebels no they’re fucking killers
they’ll kill you too
you know if they
catch you alone
we used to have like
remember the old walt disney movies
there was like the wolves
try to get beauty and the
beast the wolf
would fucking
sneak up on
him yeah he
would have to fucking
fight off the
wolves that wanted to kill beauty
right remember that shit oh yeah
they attacked them
that’s real
we just have
fucked them over so bad in this country
that we started to have respect for them
again like oh
wolves aren’t so bad
yeah they’re cool man
we need them they’re beautiful
they represent freedom
wolves represent freedom
like i never
think about
wolves but this guy
thinks about wolves
every day yeah i think
about all animals
cause i’m closer to an animal than you are
for sure there’s 1
dna differential whatever the fuck it is
between humans and chimpanzees i’m closer yeah wait
i’m work at
god damn it
i’m too close i want to go into the woods
that’s i’m gravitating i gravitate
towards wild yeah
if i if we lived in
if there was a rainforest i’d
fucking live in it if we have a rainforest right here
i figured how do you kill the bugs what do you go
gonna do electricity
can you zap them
i need to have
an area around but
live in a fucking rainforest that
would be the shit
yeah by shit you mean
insanely dangerous
yeah and boring
if spiders can kill you if spiders can kill you
going there
how about spiders that destroy your hormones man
there’s a fucking
brazilian spider that we talked
about what the fuck was that
thing called i’m just
scared of i don’t remember i’m just scared of
regular spiders in my bed because
you read that some of
these spiders are poisonous here in
california and they hide in your
shoes in your
bed the black
widows here
that have the
yeah they’re
black and brown
those things
scare yeah i saw
brown outside my
house the other recluses
are the scary ones
because recluses they do something to your skin that
causes your skin to die
so causes your
tissue to dissolve it’s really fucked up man
necrosis i believe it’s called
and when they bite you you know
they unload on you with all this fucking toxin
and it just
crushes your skin
whereas like
giant gaping
wounds occur
from one little
spider bite because all the area around your skin
dies and rots it’s
scary shit man
really spooky shit
let me find this
i’m never going out
again i’m taking this
flashlight home brazilian wandering
spider that’s what it is and i believe we’ve talked
about it on the podcast before
you gotta look this up
were you always a musician
like growing up or like
what did you have
growing up don’t change
subject motherfucker we’re talking
about vipers shit
i wanted to bring
up this this one
thing we’re talking
about the the hornet
versus hornets
versus wasps
thing that you mentioned
was it hornets
versus wasps
when the hornets attack the bees
nests or whatever
yes did you see that
watch that dude that
was military
shit dude that’s
scary those are
monsters i mean if they were big they were like
horses can you imagine if a bee was the size of a horse
this is what it’s called the burmese
russell viper
that’s what it is it’s a russell
viper and what
these things they
cause uncontrollable
hemorrhaging of your
pituitary gland
where all your sex hormones are controlled
so if you get bit by this fucking
thing and if you survive the bite
which you probably won’t
you’ll be permanently impotent
and you become like a eunuch
like you lose all your pubic hair
you stop producing testosterone
your body just gets
jacked you get neutered
you get neutered by a bite no this is a python oh yeah
what the spider does is the spider
breaks your dick
by forcing you
to have raging uncontrollable hard ons that you can’t
like painful agonizing hormones
hard ons and when the hard ons over
your dicks broken
so either you’re dead
either you die
and then by the way it’s the most potent toxin
of any spider so
it either kills you or
you live and your dick’s broken forever
so both animals
break your dick
it’s just like they’re instinctively
we’re afraid of
spiders you
even see like
just a tiny spider like
because some of
those can fuck you fuck
yeah there’s genetic memories i’m
absolutely convinced and i’ve read
about it before
where they this guy
rupert shell
drake was talking about
he believes in
evolutionary biologists
and he was talking about
how animals
are what people were really terrified of
monsters like
no matter what
the real dangers of your environment if you’re a
child and you live in new york city
you’re not worried
about car accidents or rapists
you’re worried
about monsters
and the reason being is because there’s some ancient
ancient memories of us when we used to get killed by
jaguars and shit
and we’re scared of the
night and we’re scared of monsters
because that’s really what they were
and the ones that survived of this
carried this incredibly potent
terrifying memory
and it’s actually imprinted into people genetically
you know we have this idea
of instincts you know people have certain instincts
but then what does that mean
what does instincts mean
you know something already
how do you know something already is it because of past
experience of your ancestors
and as it comes through your genetics
well how much
stuff goes in there
how much information is there
what they’ve shown
is that memes and some ideas even useless ones like
racism can be
transmitted
through genetics
so the same thing that
causes you to like have an instinct
you know to not do something like
don’t go near heights oh
you know you already know it instinctively
the same thing
is actually
you can transmit
other ideas into people’s heads
you can transmit even talent
maybe into people’s heads
it’s pretty fucking
tripping when you think
about it because
we don’t have a documentation of
where all our information comes from
i mean how much of your information is from your
ancestors how much of it is from
all these people that have
lived before you that have made mistakes and
learned from them and you sort of have this
internal wisdom thing
going on because of that i believe that totally right
when you meet someone who’s wise beyond
their years you know what is that is it
that they’ve
had an incredibly difficult life that’s a possibility
or is it that you know
somehow or another they have gotten
a rich history
of people who have survived and
learned shit
and it’s incorporated into
their dna yeah
yeah yeah and
yeah and it’s very
egotistical also to
think that oh
i’m just a smart person
where i’m very careful
because i’m afraid like it’s like no you are afraid
you have millions of years of people going
that is bad
that is good
that is bad that is good and it’s not either or
it’s not either or i mean
you certainly have
learned you
certainly are
smart and there’s
you know some people most
certainly do
learn better
from fucked up
situations there’s a lot of them that
absolutely do yeah i got a lot of buddies who don’t
learn man there’s a lot of that
going on man
yeah man there’s a lot of people that don’t ever
learn and you just
gotta constantly fucking talk to him
about shit dude come on really what
fuck him man what
yeah yeah i got a
buddy just got a
third dui and i’m like really like
are you in like what i don’t
actually i don’t get that because i am now very bad
at drinking and driving
but i’m 3d are you
bad or are you
good at no i’m really good at it and i
think i don’t know if it’s
video games you drink
a lot you gotta
watch that well
how well you
drink and drive
well i mean
i think having a few beers is considered
drinking and driving so i probably
drink and drive
every day whoa
dude listen
first of all
you’re just kidding
because people
can hear this and
cops listen to this dummy
if they ever pull you over
i’m a fan of the podcast you
know what i’m
saying is like get out of the car or
which comedy club you’re gonna hear
what i’m saying is that anytime you go out you have
maybe a couple drinks
you go in your car that’s considered
drinking and driving
you know if you have two beers in you that’s drunk
whenever i know whenever
brian is wrong
about something he gets very
excited no this is his
voice no it’s
how much how much you
wanna bet i bet you
money two beers is
drunk and you get
pulled over yes oh yeah you can that’s what i’m saying
right well especially
man that’s what i do what
i know if i’m
going out anywhere i’m
drinking alcohol
my problem is i don’t do the two
like if i have two or three even
i’m like all
right i’m a big boy
i know how to stay in between the lines and
stuff but the problem is
if i did get pulled over of course i
could get a dui
what i want to know is these
people that have
three of them are this
is that usually the case is that usually the case that
i mean is your friend
like blackout
drunk driving
or is he you know
just i mean it’s i don’t know
maybe he’s just got bad luck
right no no no
this guy does not have bad luck
so the only
three times i’ve ever had more than one
drink in my life this
guy’s got good luck
really it’s
worse than that
that’s scary are you
gonna are you done
after three he’s done because he may go to jail
oh i’m never
gonna do that
again really
after two people are
scary oh yeah
drunks and cars man yeah
people are scary
people i mean
that’s the real
problem is there’s too many of us and we can’t
help everybody get
their shit together
so you’re always
gonna be around a
bunch of people that are broken
no matter what
the way our society
exists it’s just too goddamn big
it’s too big
and the competition is too
powerful and too
strong for us to pay attention to all
these people that are falling by the wayside
so if you don’t pay attention to them
well all these fucking
idiots they’re just running around
slamming into people
and you can’t fix them
you can’t fix them man
they can’t evolve the
whole world it’s like god damn
i only got a certain amount of years this is ridiculous
there’s nothing
you can do to help them they have to help
themselves and they don’t want to and they don’t even
think there’s anything
wrong with them
you know like fuck you
bitch ain’t nothing
wrong with me bitch yeah
can you imagine you
the end of your life is
some idiot who’s just like fuck in
waste against
car i can drive home happens all the time man
it’s terrifying
that’s the end of
and no one you know and there’s so many
of them out there that’s almost nothing you could do
about it you just have to
be vigilant
keep an eye out be very careful as you driving
you know getting connected in
in any way randomly
you know on purpose to fucking nuts to people that suck
to the dummies
so many of them out there man we all
know him we all know dudes who are just beyond fixing
you know like there’s nothing like i know a
bunch of dudes to the
fight and knew i
could get away with it i fucking
shoot him right now
right in the head
if i was alone in the woods and it was like armageddon
time and like there was no more
media and cell
phones didn’t work anymore
yeah and i thought this dude be a problem i
just walk them in the woods come on let’s go for a walk
yeah man i saw some deer over here you
might help me hunt yeah
let’s go hunt
it’s over there boom yeah
fucking i remember
you said one of the people
in austin and scared the shit out of
whoever we were with i can’t remember we were oh really
like are you
being sissy
being serious
you do that
like enough
mice and men you just
bring your friend like
look over there we’re
gonna go to that bar we’re
gonna pick up
chicks all night we’re
gonna get wasted it’s
gonna be a good time
just keep looking there pow
yeah there’s certain people that you worry
when you’re around
them there’s certain people that you feel like they’re
gonna victimize
your loved ones you know there’s certain people
like a certain
level of criminal
certain level of
violent offender
and random violent
offender like people rape
and beat women up and then
that could be your mom it
could be your
sister it could be your
daughter that guy
should be dead
dead not in jail not for a year not for a day
shoot em and let’s
move on okay we got a broken person we can’t fix em
their favorite
thing to do
is to hurt people
the favorite
thing to do is to hurt people that you love
and the vulnerable ones the
women really
kill it yeah kill
it now kill it with fucking fire or bullets whatever is
cheapest fuck him
sorry come back as a butterfly suck my cock bye bang
bang bang fuck you
stupid yeah you do it
humanely yeah
also he doesn’t know he’s
gonna die we just saw it yeah
doesn’t even matter if it’s
humane just fucking shoot him
his last moments
are important
you know don’t torture him
but you know what is the police stop
shut the fuck up yeah
doesn’t matter if you yell at him you’re
gonna shoot him in the head
was it worse to yell at
him yeah right
well animals in the zoo i mean how
many animals in the zoo need to be fed and what are we
gonna give em
steak that’s stupid
give em live chickens give em
fucking people man
get some cunts
throw cunts in there
i bet bears
would love to eat cunts
yeah they’re
tired of berries
too tired of picnic
baskets just
throw a cunt in that cage
some fucking guy has been busted for the fifth time
drinking and driving
slides into a family of five
throw them in that fucking cage
dana white will be in charge of that in the suit no
no that’s when i take over the ufc dan is gonna retire
they’re gonna ask me to take his job
i’m gonna go okay i got an idea though sit down
listen okay after the nuclear war
life is cheap yeah dude i watched that man
yeah i would too that’s the problem
you know i mean if there was
if we could go back in time right now to the colosseum
you know what would you do would you
stand up and say you must stop this
please what are you doing no
you would sit down and you
would go you’re gonna drink that wine yeah fuck it
we would we would be sitting there we would be
drinking wine right next
to us there’d be some old dude fucking some
boy in the ass you know that’s how they rocked it back
they would just bend them over the fucking
rails the coliseum and
bang them in the ass
while the while the the
things are going on yeah
dude there were banging little boys left and
right back then
and you just had to look away
look away and be
glad how long
would it take us to be banging boys would
say we jump in
a time machine and you’re like
it’s just so
culturally accept and like
everyone’s doing all of a
sudden you’re like
and you’re like why am i bugging this kid
you imagine
you’re like
you’re like oh well it’s kind of accepted and then
you go back to the future and you’re like what you do
not much how much
powdered wig
yeah that’s hilarious that is so funny
oh my god how long
would it take you to
think in jail before you
start going gay
never never you
never go again
i would go again
what if it was like a really
feminine guy like really soft hardly any pubes
masturbation
forever like everyone who
says they wouldn’t like you’re like i’m sure
those fucking dudes when they were
going to jail like i’m not gonna
be gay and like 15 years
down the line like well i feel like fucking something
i don’t think it’s 15 days man yeah i
think they just
start getting
their dick sucked right away
fuck it with
and the mexican community they call it
gay for the stay
there’s a thing with
a lot of people
that go to jail and then do some gay shit but they only
do it in jail when they get out they’re not gay at all
you ever see that american me that
edward james almost movie
there was a lot of that
going on that
movie like he
would come out
he was all fucked up sexually just wanted to rape
chicks bang him in the ass
because that’s how you get guys in jail
yeah it’s a really creepy
movie man it was like
the first real exposure to the mexican gang
culture that i ever had
or any la gang
culture you know
that in colors
i watched a
music video for
colors the other day and i forgot about that
voice colors
i am a nightmare
walking psychopath
talking is ice
t before he played a cop on tv
isn’t that the most
ridiculous shit ever
ice t is a cop on tv is like
but he just
what how did that happen
he had a song called cop killer
a song okay
it wasn’t a part he was playing he
wrote that shit
you know i’m a
motherfucking cop killer
remember he was
iced he was in a
rap a rock band for a
while remember
that body count body
count body count
body motherfucking count
that was some hard i
met him at the comedy store one
night he was in the in the audience the comedy
store one he was cool yeah
i met make some joke i forgot what it was but
i was a big ice
t fan when i was a kid
i used to listen to newspapers i used to listen
to ice t’s rap
albums let’s get buck
naked and fuck
get the buck
naked holy shit
he had some
great shit it’s just so
weird seeing him playing a cop it’s like what
huh iced tea
is playing a dad
you kids sit down back there
and yeah he’s
ice cube ice
cube rather
he’s playing a dad yeah like man
i mean he is a dad i
understand all that but god damn dude
if eazy were
alive he’d be like on two and a half men or something
if eazy was
alive he’d take a dick out of his
mouth and go will you stop that that’s gay
yeah body count had the song
where they he kills his mom yeah
flushed her down a toilet
we were kids going yeah what the
fuck is wrong with yeah
he went as dark as he could oh yeah it was easy e the
first guy to ever die from aids
in the world or
is this the real
in the entertainment world was it arthur ash or
was it eazy e
i don’t remember
who died first i think eazy
is the first one i know arthur ash debates right yeah
and out of it
yeah yeah eazy
e was one of the rare ones because i remember when
eazy e died of aids i was like holy shit like
i was thought this was just the beginning
and i’m looking down the line at some mad max situation
where i’m walking around town with a fucking one of
those chinese
face mask things on you
know you always see the chinese people at the airport
i’m like what the fuck man is this really
gonna happen like everyone’s just
gonna start dropping like flies
and then it just stopped
yeah and you’re like what the fuck was eazy e doing
that magic johnson was it
he was not fucking the
flashlight it’s
weird man that’s
weird right yeah what the fuck’s up with
magic johnson like i’m kinda
creeped out
it’s crazy yeah
i’ve heard a
bunch of different
stories so i can’t really comment i’ve
heard stories
about him taking
medication i’ve
heard stories that he
doesn’t need the
medication anymore
and then i heard he
stopped taking the
medication and his symptoms
started reoccurring
the weird thing is that he tests
negative apparently
you can test
hiv negative
because the way
hiv works is what you can really test is
you can test for the antibodies
i don’t think they can accurately
test for the actual
virus inside you
very tricky well the first guy ever
who was hiv positive through it’s not
clear how it happened but
the first hiv positive
they cured it
somewhere in
sweden or something oh with stem cells
right yeah with the stem
cells right yeah yeah that was recently yeah
like a month ago or
something amazing how much
shit they can accomplish with stem cells they have to
dance around
stuff and they have to like like
like the skin
have you heard
about this thing that they’ve got
there’s a new
thing that they’ve figured out how to do
where they can actually
take cultures from your skin they reproduce
with your own stem cells
and then they
spray it in sort of a gun
on your skin
where it’s burnt
and it only takes
a certain amount
of time to cultivate like an hour or two to cultivate
they can do it really quickly
they reproduce this
stuff and then they
spray it on you and it
radically cuts down healing time
radically like
they showed this one guy who had been burnt in a fire
and then he
looked like he didn’t have a fucking scratch on him
they showed images of this guy
giant blistering
second degree
burns big welts all over his hand and shit
well they spray this shit on him man
and it builds like within four days
you’ve got like
new skin and it looks healed it’s a trip
and it’s all stem cells
but people say he’s
going to hell though
it’s from his own body though this is what
people don’t
understand you don’t have
to kill babies to get stem cells yeah
everyone thinks that
everything comes from the fetus
but you don’t have to now they have a way to reverse
it like to take your own and reverse it to like it’s
i don’t i fucking don’t
what people thought
was that they were
gonna encourage abortion because people
needed babies they needed
stem cells from fetuses yeah
you know god damn
man you know
let him work with shit it’s like these
nutty christians that have these
kooky ideas
about what they
should and shouldn’t do with
tissue and cells like what the fuck
what should you do
if a girl has an abortion
should you just flush it
you’re telling me
if there’s something that
you can learn in there that can unlock the
secret to immortality
or cure cancer or whatever the fuck it can do
you’re telling me you
should just
throw it away because it’s dead and it’s immoral and
somehow none of that you’re profiting off of abortion
yeah but the reality is people are so creepy
they probably
would start doing abortion
right they would
start encouraging them
dude i be you want a fucking baby
holy shit they yell
dude how long before there was abortion porn
think about that
people like just how long before they
would start paying
for abortions
yeah dude you
know we had this point
fucked up with
point like and
sex deficit
you think it
probably already is a bro
listen to this we had a porn star on that 90 show
podcast i did yesterday that was eating out a girl and
bleeding and they were like you know she
started her period and
found out it was a miscarriage
into her mouth oh
so it was she was eating a
pussy probably
two pussies
a pussy and
i put you in bed
somewhere like guys
would pay a lot of
money as double pussies
i’m so sad right now
so sad right now
thanks for letting me
human beings man we
fucked up shit
well that’s not anybody’s
fault there no no that’s that was kayla page
to support kayla page yeah
oh you were telling me about her right
so you you’ve been doing
these naughty show podcast are you gonna keep doing
those yeah i’m sure tell everybody about the
other podcast you have cause you have a website
deathsquad tv
right now they’re
all the podcasts are there they’re all on it
people ask us what is this death
squad shit what you guys badass
no it’s totally not that is it opie
from opie and anthony nicknamed us the death
squad a long time ago
right because
i came onto the opie and anthony show and at the time
it was my friend
tate fletcher who was on the ultimate
fighter and
he was on the show at the time he came with me and
eddie bravo who’s the
jiu jitsu guy
so they’re just my friends we were just
traveling together and so they came into the
studio and opie goes oh joe rogan brought in the
death squad
and then we just
started like
that’s right with a death
squad bitch
so juvenile and ridiculous
and so over the top and retarded
so we decided to keep it yeah so we
did this naughty show podcast it’s usually a porn star
and sam tripoli’s naughty show and sam who’s our
buddy he’s been on the podcast a
bunch of times and i did
a bunch of touring
with sam up in canada and we did toronto together
sam’s awesome yeah jason team
and so anyways it’s once a week jason
heaps awesome too i won’t
leave you out
there dude yeah you know i love you anyways
right all the
desk watch tv
and so is there
all all the
pilots we do a lot of and they also
do whenever there’s a ufc
they get hammered
and they watch the
ufc together and do their own
coinciding podcast like talking shit
about fights as they go down
right and sometimes
you even had joey on that one one yeah
right we have joey
how fucking fun was that it was
great you get
to go watch the
ufc with joey i have to commentate man yeah
he sits next to joey diaz
you know that’s good you
can’t you can’t get any better
entertainment
than joey diaz
last the last ufc
high on acid okay
he drops two tabs of acids and
watching cage
fights and they all i mean what was that
like what was that like sitting there with him for six
hours well it’s
like you’re in bed with him because the seats are so
small so you kind of like
on his lap holding like a big
stuffed animal
so you got that
you got that but then you got
the most hilarious commentary
and what’s cool is that
that’s what we do on the ufc
drunk as we pretty much
will have some people like that joey
diaz and stuff like that and just getting
drunk and watching ufcs
and it’s kind of like
commentaries a
lot of your fans like to re
watch the ufcs
that’s like hey you know turn
it on with our commentary this time and it’s just a
bunch of other you know
comics just
doing your job
but drinking and smoking but allowed to
do it the right way and
do it the right way yeah well i
could never do it the
right way too because a lot of
things you say when you’re
fucking around with your friends are very disrespectful
right you know you say good
night bitch
what the fuck i tell you
you know hope you brought your jammies
you know guys will sit when they’re
drunk and they’re
stone and they’re talking shit
but they would
never say that to the
fighter or want the
fighter to hear that i don’t want anybody else to even
it’s only between friends as a goof
right so what joey
could say is so much different than anything i
could say joey says
crazy shit sometimes i saw him on the
your alec the alex jones
thing oh my god
so fucking he’s the
funniest guy that’s ever
lived man we did
vegas two weeks ago dude
he came up and he opens up the show
which is the perfect way to do it
joey’s not like
an act that likes to do like an hour joey
doesn’t have time to do an hour and he’s not
his pace he’s got this
destructo 15
minute pace
and that’s what he does he
doesn’t want to do a 45 minute set
so when i take joey on
the road with me it’s like i’m taking another headliner
i mean he’s a fucking headliner and he opens
and he goes up and just
smashes it dude
he made me laugh so hard i
literally fell down
i was leaning
against the wall we were all back there
joey was on
stage and we were in
the alleyway that leads to the
stage where the curtains are at the
the lion king theater
in mandalay bay
big giant ass fucking place
and we’re leaning up
against the wall
and joey’s killing so hard
we’re all rocking
back and forth and dudes are bending over
people are slapping their legs
we’re all like moving around
we were standing
still but nobody was
standing still
you’re laughing i
literally fell down
i fell down i
dropped to a knee
that’s awesome
crushes he’s got this bit
about this yoga
he’s taking yoga lately
and is a sixty
eight year old lady in his yoga
class i’m gonna fuck that old
bitch i swear to god joe rogan
he’s get this bit
about it and it’s
we were crying
laughing man
he’s got this bit about
getting in a
fight a true
story about a
fight that he got in with a nun when he was a kid
oh you gotta fucking see it man
is that the funniest shit you’ve ever seen
anything he says
is hilarious
he’s such a fucking
treat to hanging out
in arizona this weekend too
yeah where’s he at
the new club i believe
no no he’s on some
completely different
thing yeah because they got
upset with him
that he wasn’t doing the new
club and he’s like you’re not even open yet stupid wow
danny murgos
with him gamer
but joey is
he’s one of
those guys man that just makes you
there’s him back then when he was really young
that’s what i met joey
grab that picture man
grab that picture
for the folks on
you stream you’ll be able to see this for folks
watch on itunes
i don’t know if it’s available online anywhere
i have to upload it
but this was joey
diaz when i
first met him
and joey only
weighed like you know like fucking 210
215 pounds he’s a big guy he’s always been like a big
football player looking guy
and this is him you know
right after he
started doing comedy i met him like a couple years
after he started
when he moved from seattle to la
was he a comedy
store guy yeah yeah yeah
he’s just such a fun fucking guy
there’s people that you meet in your life
and they’re just the life of the party you
know no one in my life has ever been the life of the
party like joey diaz
you know i’ve met a couple
crazy people that are cool to hang around with
every now and then
but no one just gets shit jumping like joey diaz
i mean he goes on
stage dancing and
right away just
sets the tone and you know
he’s the fucking man dude
he’s so fun
so important
man have fun fucking cool people in your life yeah
you know is that the most important
thing in life it really is right yeah
more than anything else yeah being some rich cunt
who’s no friends that’s
gotta suck bad man
you know being some dude
living in some
giant fucking mansion
14 ferrari using
movies about running
sweatshops and shit like
bates and cain
the social network
it sucks to be rich and by yourself yeah
it’s gotta be
how what a dumb
thing to say
is it important to have friends
i’m barney hi
kid i love you
you love me
that’s you see things when you have kids see
everything through the eyes of children shows
my daughter took a
fucking log a log in her
potty the other day that i
swear to god look like joey
dia shit in there
i couldn’t believe how big it is it’s a
shocking i almost took a picture of it
but i just thought that’s disrespectful
but my daughter shits on twitter
i just wanted everybody
to see it like you need to take a look at this this
doesn’t even seem normal
i need to go to a doctor
her shit was like my forearm
was that her
first big show no she takes logs
she’s my daughter she’s a little savage
savage is fucking
eating meat and shit
i bought venison jerky
and like she is tears into this shit
just chewing up venison jerky it’s really weird man
you know you look at little babies
like the newest
baby baby rogan number two is only she’s almost nine
months old and
when when she gets food like
it doesn’t matter like she can eat
solid food but you
gotta watch her you
gotta be careful
you gotta make sure that she can’t get anything she
could choke on
but she always
screams for food and one of the
things she likes to do is get bones
she likes to like put bones in her
mouth and lick the bones
and it’s like a big like
like a rib bone
you know and it’s just so
weird to watch
this little baby
with these a bone from a dead animal
and she’s completely
transfixed on this thing
she has one fucking
tooth man she’s got one
tooth and she’s
gnawing at this bone with this meat on it and like
if you try to take it from her she will fucking
scream i mean
scream the baby wants the murdered animal
you know just instinctual nature is
more than anything else i’ve
given her apples
i’ve given her bananas i’ve
given her a
bunch of shit
before and she likes it it’s all good it’s all nice
but nothing like that bone
you give her a bone it’s just like giving a dog a bone
you know you give
a dog dog food they’re like hey
thanks for the dog food
you give a dog a bone
and you test how what your relationship is with him
you know cause you
might want to take that back i want that bone back
oh what’s up
bitch yeah i
found your line
this is the line
you know my dog bit me a few times taking his bone
really yeah
yeah well he was a biter i got him at the shelter oh
right away he was biting i was like fuck how old is
he is a year and a half well
yeah he was he
bite like no no small
what kind of
twenty five he was um
fuck a boston terrier and
a cocker spaniel so it kind of looked like a baby lab
kind of but he was fucked up in the head man and like
young boys like
teenage boys he did not like
he had some fucked up owners for
sure like he
did not he couldn’t sit
give the paw i taught him that in 15 minutes
but he was clueless when i got him so he was
like kind of fucked up how long have you had him now
you know he’s dead it’s he died like last year but
sorry no no not at all and he
have to say
sorry i’m not really sure yeah
sorry about that dog
hey man i thought my
dogs died too dude all
right yeah like
yeah you’re the only one bro fucking dead dog
the only one bro yeah
but yeah he’d bite them
and fucking his
little bone the bone and the weed man he like and i
wouldn’t i don’t get my dog so i’m not one of
those guys hey
i’m gonna get my dog stone
but i’d see him
and all of a
sudden he’s
stoned and i’m like fuck i had a piece of cookie no
and he ate the cookie
i had a dog that was um
she was a rescue dog too
and we got her high accidentally once
me and joey were in my office and my old
house just hitting the bong
and this is my
early weed days i was just learning how to smoke weed
and i couldn’t believe that i’d gone
thirty years of my life without knowing
about weed and i was just
going to overboard
so we me and joey got ball lasted
in my office and the dog was so paranoid it was so
crazy she was running from
everything and
hiding under
furniture i couldn’t get her to come out it was like
weird i was like why you hiding
i’m like oh
she’s high as fuck yeah i did dog got a contact time
hanging out with us it’s weird
it was a rescue dog too so
her being high was not like a
happy puppy that you raised being high
like if i got high with johnny
johnny doesn’t have any fears johnny’s a
happy dog he’s got a good life
but you get a rescue dog that dog was like
three or four years old before i got her
who knows and she was living on the
street in la eating out
of garbage cans when they caught her and she had that
mange her body was
covered in mange when i
first got her
so i had to treat her
with chemicals
i had it with some sort of
medicine i had a washer
and i had to like
just feed her she
ate like insane amounts of food she
could not eat enough
she was a voracious
appetite so voracious
she was sneaking out
of my house okay even though i fed her she’s a fat pig
she was sneaking out of my house
she had a hole that she found
where she would go
under the fence
she would go to the neighbor’s
house tip over
their garbage
eat their garbage
and then sneak back in the yard and i had no
idea she was doing it she was doing it forever i’m like
this dog’s fat as fuck i’m giving her diet dog food
she’s fatter man what the fuck is happening
she’s kept eating
man clever dog
well they have this
thing where they feel like they’re
never gonna have enough food
you know they
can’t stop eating they just they will keep eating
until they get sick
like she got into a bag once she
ate it like a bag of dog food
and just ate
so much that like
her whole body was hard
like it was the
weirdest thing ever
it’s like her stomach was hard i was
worried about her
and she threw up and then she would eat
throw up i mean it’s like
she couldn’t
she was never satisfied
yeah and i think it’s the same kind of
thing is happening when you
leave and when you come back like you walk in
literally they’re so
happy that you came
back cause they can’t
they’re like
they’re eating like oh i don’t know tomorrow i may not
eat he just left he’s probably not coming back fuck i’m
fucked i’m alone
again and then all of a
sudden you come back
what the fuck you came back
what do you
think about some dogs
where they’ve done tests
where they show that when owners are coming home
that the dogs respond even when they’re coming home at
not normal hours you
know unusual hours
that through hidden cameras they
found that dogs can
anticipate when
their masters are coming home
really from how like
i believe driving
driving in their car on the way over there
yeah and it’s not like a lot of dogs i don’t
think it’s but
it’s enough that you have to go well what is this
what’s going on here
cobby’s smelling it
cobby used to
be sleeping on the
couch and then like
he would just immediately wake up and then just like
sit by the door
and like 10 minutes
later my girlfriend
would walk in the door whoa yeah
it was always so
weird and i always thought it was just that the time
because the
time was always kind of around the same time but
dog doesn’t have a fucking
watch it’s ridiculous
yeah but the
dog like looks around and goes okay when it
starts the light the big
rock that is bright outside goes down
and then he
starts playing
with that machine over there that makes the food
that kind of
proud that means like
you know maybe figures out its own way maybe
i don’t know because
these people what they showed was hidden camera footage
and they had the dog
would like respond and get up and
start walking around
like as the owner was coming home
it’s a trip man
you wonder i mean what kind of a
weird connection
is it with dogs you know they’re just always so
happy always like
excited to see you
this weird fucking
relationship you have
you know they require food from you and like
what a weird
psychic connection you have to this strange animal
they know when you’re coming home the fuck is
going on man
yeah well who’s to say there isn’t you know
who’s to say
who’s to say who knows
all right that’s
about it right
i guess so that’s good so
where did he end it
way out man when’s
next time someone
could see you
i’m gonna be in
minneapolis
at some theater
some you don’t know
where it is fuck i don’t well
go to is it
jean lush wag
yeah challenge
wa com or go to my youtube page
which is youtube com
j o n l a j o i
e and they’re all
there and i’m going
it’s j o n john
yeah i know
come there and
check it out and i have a new
video i’m working on
should be out
monday what it can give us a sneak
its guy it’s called i am
very super famous
and is from mc
vagina the guy
who brought you show me your genitals and i kill people
what is this gonna be out
like monday morning i’m hoping i’m
still editing it now but you do
everything yourself
shoot it directed edit write it yeah that’s awesome man
do you have high as fuck on there
we’re gonna end this with high as fuck
this weekend friday night and sunday night
we’re gonna be at sal’s comedy hole on melrose
it’s a little tiny spot it’s only like 80 people
we’re just gonna go there and fuck around doug
benson’s coming to doug benson’s coming a beautiful
brian’s gonna be there a little
esther’s gonna be there who else
sorry sam tripoli i called ari today i haven’t already
might be coming to ari’s doing so
he’s gonna come down awesome
jason tebow very funny
so that’s it next weekend
we’re doing brea
the improv at brea
it will sell out
so get tickets if you want to get them in advance and
then in australia at rudy hill that
place that i’m doing it’s
it’s called an rsl club whatever the fuck that is
i don’t know what that is i’m not sure it’s like an
italian club or something like that well no it’s like a
veterans thing
but they just added a
second show there was
an eight o’clock show
it’s sold out
so now there’s a ten o’clock show and that is
saturday the 26th
which will be like
the 25th here or something like that it’s real
weird like they’re like a
whole day ahead
have you done shows in australia yeah it’s fun yeah i’m
sure now i haven’t been
fucking great yeah
sydney’s fun
they don’t give a fuck the men are men the women are
women it’s fucking there’s dangerous animals everywhere
crocodiles and shit
i love it there man it’s a great time
the people are friendly as fuck i
enjoy the shit out of it
so so that’s it
tickets go on
sale for seattle i’m playing the more theater
and the more theater in i
think it’s in march
yes march 25th they go on sale on friday all right
thank you everybody for everything
next week we’re gonna have pete johansson a very
funny comedian from canada do you know pete
i know of him i don’t know him but he’s very
funny he’s hilarious
he’ll be here and who knows who else
and eventually i get
dave foley and i got a call boss rooting and
all right bitches
that’s the end of the show
see you flashlight
oh thank you
flashlight for sponsoring us and keeping the lights on
we love you and you love us
that’s how it should be
go to joe rogan net and click on the link
right like my mom it’s
great keep me in line
go to joe rogan dot net
click on the link and enter in the code word
rogue and you get fifteen percent off all right
thank you everybody we love you bitches
thanks for having me guys thank you
john leshua you are the man
and you thinking about the world spin
your dog looking at you like you need help
and you feel your heart pumping really
fast and you’re convinced that you’re
gonna have a heart attack
farm the only problems that the chickens have
fucked up why do the chickens have
you scared because you
think that they will know you’re high so you
in the store but
you’re so high you don’t know why you’re there anymore
pack of gum get the hell out of there
you’re walking home and your mouth is dry
too high