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Podcast
Description
Joe sits down with Chris Marcus.
Transcript
top of this tv
superior to sugar
many ways yeah and it’s not bad for you at all yeah
didn’t the sugar lobby get fucking pretty pissed
about it yeah they should get but we should talk
about this all right let’s go
we say so many amazing things
that’s when you start doing a podcast you start
going don’t talk outside of that broken experience
don’t have a life
you hear it i don’t care
i don’t know the headphones that i have on
these are yours
wow we made it to the end of the song
what the fuck people
oh is that your phone brian
no that’s packing that tom chong
made why do you always have this
thing going on
where your computer will
start playing things that’s his playlist
my computer
never just starts playing shit out of nowhere
why does your computer start playing shit
it’s on itunes it just goes to the next song
that’s your that’s your sexy time that’s
on itunes it goes to the next song right yeah
automatically i just play it so you just fucked up
well that makes sense
ladies and gentlemen welcome to the podcast
what’s up what’s up bitches
what’s good
people working the fucking late
shift people driving in the car people hating
their life and needing something to distract them
from whatever bullshit you got yourself into right now
it’s gonna get better
ladies and gentlemen it’s all gonna get better
right brian yes rob
yeah it’s already
better but it can only get better if you have a
flashlight yes
we are sponsored by the
flashlight if you go to joe rogan net
there’s a link if you
click the link you
enter in the code name rogan you get 15
off and i’ve humped them all
in my former career chris
has fucked all
of them there’s so many combinations all of them done
and they’re great
which one’s your favorite
mine’s the avatar by the way
i mean the alien
the alien’s alright
the alien’s alright it’s pretty good but
for me it’s the lotus
because it’s confusing
it tricks me
actually which was the lotus
explain a lotus
the lotus lotus
we designed i say we in the royal way
since cause
you know i was the way
is chris chris
marcus ladies and gentlemen
chris is our
buddy and chris used to work for
flashlight and he’s also a writer and just an
all around cool cat and
entrepreneur out there in the
world making shit happen
thank you joe so this lotus
thing you helped design this
motherfucker i did
and i wanted to try and
recreate because we do a good job with the exterior
of the vagina
right i wanted to do it
which by the way is
completely unnecessary
right you know
i used to have a joke
about that if you just put a
round hole in the wall
will fuck right
it doesn’t have to look like a fake
pussy but the interior is
is key that
sounds absent
i wanted to try and create something that was confusing
and really actually felt as
close as possible and i
think i did a decent job
with the lotus
because it has this little note in there that’s kind of
you know like when you’re getting to the back and you
start to feel a little
something that’s coming
in and giving you a little pressure and you kind of
slide around it or something like that
i don’t exactly know how it works you talking
about the back of a vagina
yeah yeah but
there’s like
yeah it’s called warts
you gotta be careful with
those bitches
you just have
speed bumps on that
bitch needs to go to a doctor and get some shit cold
lasered it’s like
where the cauliflower where it
starts feeling like cauliflower
right right right
well i watch some
video online once that’s a g
spot by the way in a
board of stupid
flowers the cheese
box is that what it is yeah really
but every girl’s
different i mean you can’t really say it’s a g spot
the cauliflower
part is right but you know what i’m saying
there’s like certain spots it’s not
everybody doesn’t have the same spot
i always thought that’s silly
like when you watch like
pussy eating competitions or
instructionals rather
on the internet you ever seen
those right
that’s why i’ve
seen a few of them here’s an instructional
when you want when you’re eating out a girl
and you’re like up at the top
put a finger or two in and hit the cauliflower
and just massage it
while you’re licking it go
instant orgasms right
you pull it to
about it yeah
right towards you
almost pressure yeah you almost
and you come here yeah
yeah come hither
but every girl’s got a different groove
you know like some girls want you just lock on that
motherfucker and go crazy
yeah really fast tons
other girls like
gentle slow
gentle slow
cause they don’t trust you
they’re putting no
trust in you when you do that i don’t know if that’s it
i think it is i don’t know if that’s it i
think girls are
sensitive to
yeah the different shit
some girls like it
other girls say
hello they just haven’t gone the other way same with
same with nipples i mean some girls
whack them with a flyswatch some girls
tell you to bite their nipples
and other girls you
touch them like whoa like
it’s an interesting
thing with some girls that it seems that pain
has become some sort of a sexual
thing it’s not
every girl but there are certain
girls that pain for whatever reason turns them on
you know like they like to be
manhandled and choked and slapped and
spanked and shit
and they like to be fucked hard
where it hurts
like you look at him like you know it hurts like
you hit her face
but she’s loving it
you know what the
fuck is that i
think that has an
evolutionary
biological advantage because i
think you know sex back in the day was rough
brutish short
violent you
know and you know it just
made sense that’s how i
still rock it
made sense the girl that fuck the new school
you know and actually when a girl
obviously is more
excited she’s more open actually she has
a greater chance of conceiving i read
about that in a book called
sperm wars which is a
great book yeah
sperm wars i’ve
heard okay i looked into all this because
there was an
article that i read a couple articles i read
about killer
sperm that there are certain sperm
that go out and attack
other sperm
so i read this
on more than one source online and from that book
sperm wars but was his name baker
yeah believe his name
was dr baker
so then i read
some some different responses to that and
apparently there’s no evidence to support it whatsoever
the only evidence to support
that there’s like
some sort of
a blocking system
going on there’s evidence to support that there’s a
reason why sperm is gooey and sticky
one of the reasons clogging up the works yeah
trying to clog up the works for
other dudes
and there’s also very
strong evidence that no matter
there’s a direct correlation between not just
strong evidence but it’s been proven
between the
promiscuous nature of the females of the
population and the size of the testicles of the males
that the males just produce more sperm
but that’s just so they
could shoot more loads and have more chances
it’s not that there’s actually
sperm that are
going out there and killing
other sperm
so that sperm
wars book is a little wonky
yeah it’s a little wonky
but the the idea behind a
woman orgasm
and opening
her up and making her more likely to conceive
then you would
think that well then the rape
thing probably
wouldn’t be the best thing
the best move
no but you know
so how it passes through
sexual selection
is is the girl who actually through some
genetic mutation finds that
attractive that kind of
rough brute
kind of rape scenario
attractive is
gonna produce more some
vaginal fluid
which is gonna help conduct the
sperm a little better
be more open to it
so she’s going to be more likely to conceive
meaning they’ll be eventually over time
an advantage for the females who like
that kind of dominant scenario
in cultures that have dominant sex
right and they’re also
gonna be cohabitating with dominant males in
that way you’re
gonna have someone who’s
gonna protect you and get some shit done
send us some week
three quarter limp dick
just barely
sticks in he squeezes out a slug
you need to
split it with a popsicle
stick make your shitty genetic
baby to go out and get raped by a
tyrannosaurus rex or some shit
right all right
so you were talking
about the flashlight
that you were
designing that yeah tell us how many designs there are
that when you were designing what the lotus
yeah so how many are there
there’s got to be 16 17 different internals
and the variations are
different tightness like what is a different
texture whatever you
could think of i mean
i mean it was really a matter of
long you know
experience with
feeling these
things out and then you just come up with shit
you know like all this
would be interesting and you try it you know they
build a rod
try it out and some of them are
smash hits and some of them are like meh
you know have
you ever thought of developing some sort of a
cleaning sponge
thing like a very
small penis like
sponge that’s attached to like a wire
like a swiffer
yeah a cum swifter
exactly something
to get in there and
yeah well i mean it’s so
sticky inside anyway
so the material is it
would be tough to come up with something that
would actually
slide that was porous itself that
could actually clean
otherwise it
would be just like a
you know a dildo hardness
going has there ever been a recorded instance of a dude
using a flashlight having a venereal disease
leaving his load in a
flashlight and then another sick fuck using the
flashlight and getting that dude’s disease no no no
no recorded
incidents that’s possible
how long will
herpes last on the plastic surface of the flashlight
that’s a good question
it’s a very good
question i don’t know but we recommend
washing them around
every now and again
some water would help wait
who are you sharing it with joe that you
might be worried about just
saying don’t share your flashlight
that’s why you have one it’s all yours
you don’t need to
share it with
that he’s a kind looking homeless guy down the
street i don’t want him
giving my diseases
now bobby lee you
don’t need to share it
bobby lee was
on her show last week and he’s a huge supporter of the
vibrating one that has the little rechargeable beads
right now he said that
they only last five minutes does he have a defect
one or no they
last 60 minutes 60 minutes so he has a defect
maybe he’s just because he’s like halfway through it
stop he just
brushes it correct
well you can handle you just squeezes it so hard
against the side
is that how it works the harder you squeeze it the more
it revs no i don’t know i mean
these things are you know
they have a little engine a little off centered
little motor in it and it lasts about
you know lasts
about 60 minutes and it’s
a beat if you
move closer to the mic so that we all have the same
we did different volumes
and it fits
right into the slot
yeah so like
every one of them but little
three slots in the head
and usually you can only fit one or two in there
with yourself but
we have three slots just in case
and just whoever’s
vibrates your dick
yeah i you know some people like it i
think it’s more distracting
i don’t really i’m not a big fan
of the vibration yeah i don’t feel like it feels good
where is the
where is the fantasy because what am i fucking
what am i fighting
a girl on a washing machine fucking a
robot right
on a washing machine
in a hurricane
during an earthquake
yeah there’s
some really good products by another company called
screaming o
and it’s like a vibrating cock ring
and they’ve kind of
taken that market
which is awesome for the chicks but
i find it kind of a little bit
annoying for me to have it on because
the vibration is just distracting like you feel less
like imagine your hand
like on a massager
and then trying to like feel something cool
propeller and feel anything
right and then also what if like the
chick only wants it with that vibrating cock right
you’re like my cock and balls are not enough
right has to turn yourself
into know it
would annoy you man
well cock yeah because i
dated a dude i dated
a chick who
dated a dude
dated a chick who
dated a dude
and they had
a bad relationship and one of the bad problems in
their relationship was she got addicted to vibrators
yeah like very much addicted i
had to really
a girl that was addicted to it yeah dude
first of all
what’s up with
bitches telling you like problems they had with
other dudes sexually like
fucking stop
all right because we know you’re
gonna do that to us too you fucking
creep you tattletail
creep you know
but a lot of girls like
you know and then
he couldn’t get it up and then god i was like is it me
and you’re like
half of this is you just trying to get me
excited but like
i can get it up
fuck him don’t
worry about him
you know engaging in that sort of a weird
masculine ego
thing or like
or you know like wow this poor girl she
needs some dick she’s like you know she needs some dick
like it’s a little banter in game you play
but this girl apparently
could not come without
like for like a long time like she had to wean
herself off of it
right she had to not use anything
for like a year
she used to use shower heads
she’s used the the faucet
apparently when you’re in the tub
you can crank that
motherfucker
fuck her up
and she was built
she is the perfect height to
slide her pussy
right underneath the
thing and just get
blasted on the
snatch by the
fucking full
stream of water
and that’s how she
would orgasm she
would orgasm doing that and she
would orgasm with vibrators
and so like
she would like like
fuck her dude
and just be like you done you done okay good
which is gotta be annoying as fuck to the dude you know
like if your chick
wants you to put that cock ring on all the time like
come on really right what are we doing here
the fuck are we doing here
is it all about this or is it about love baby
you start becoming a chick
you know can’t you just hold me
can’t you just hold me why do i have to put in your ass
yeah it is funny though the
psychology that changes if you’re not
if you don’t really feel like you’ve done
the best job you could with a check oh yeah
table blow short
you’ll catch yourself being
not yourself fuck yeah you
seem like a weak bitch you haven’t like given
extra long massages
like what am
i doing here now oh dude yeah guys who have
sexual problems men you
could always see it in the relationship
the relationship is always bad they can’t fuck
right you know
i know dudes that get addicted to porn
you know and
i’ve talked to a couple guys you know
bobby lee was talking to us
about it that
bobby lee has a hard time getting it up
because he’s just addicted to porn because he
watches porn so much and then like you know you
would like a regular girl you like what’s all this
what is this what am i doing here
good what am i doing here
where’s your heels
right now this is all your real hair what the fuck
you can’t even wear your fake eyelashes yeah you know
how come your
tits aren’t hard
yeah fuck is good
he likes the hd one he’s like pays for it
yeah he buys the dvds he gets
dirty he gets up in there yeah
yeah i don’t know tv
that’s a weird
thing how people get really like
connected to some one
particular thing that turns you on
you know when
some guys man it gets it stops being regular people
starts being the porn
yeah yeah i
guess that’s the guy’s trap is the porn and the girls
is the vibrator
sort of i mean
girls get the porn too
right don’t girls get addicted to porn
yeah i mean i know a couple girls
esther’s addicted to porn addicted
though like really
esther like a guy addicted yes she doesn’t
like esther
had like 12
videos on her
phone of porn
videos i don’t even have
porn videos on my
phone i just fucking go to like you know some
streaming porn site
right but that
might be a fact of the fact that she can’t
find very many good ones so she’s got to save them
you know i’m saying like porn that’s good for girls
it’s hard to come by she
bought jenna jameson
sweater off ebay addicted to porn whoa
how many loads were on that sweater
jesus christ
you can make a
whole army of
humans with that sweater
just throw that sweater
throw that sweater
to a few scientists
and go yo there’s some shit in there do what you
gotta do some
biological material
clone it you’d have a goddamn army
have you seen chris’s
photo from halloween from two
halloweens ago
where they all him and all his friends all
dressed up as the characters from
street fighter
by the way i’m not insinuating that
jenna jameson
is having sex with anyone
other than tito ortiz you just jokes
nobody get a fucking hurt
pussy over this
no sand in your vagina pleases
these are just jokes
i love jenna
jameson i love tito
these are just jokes
you might be able to find loads on my
sweater too how about that
maybe more than hers
if that happens
maybe more loads and
maybe cheetos maybe i’m
experimenting with
a gauntlet of loads
but yeah on his website warrior poet
chris’s website
yeah chris’s warrior about
warriorpot us right
he’s got a great
photo you got to
check it out it’s hilarious i mean they all look
exactly like these
stuff we got the full
street fighter for 16 person cast yeah
you had the shave
what is it what are you talking about just
random people in the streets no all our buddies
all our buddies
like we all
got together
did i was oh you guys are dorks
you guys like
those avatar people that pretend to be blue
kill how to recreate avatar
we recreated the fallen home tree
yeah but if you saw that on halloween
if you saw that on halloween you
would be like wow that’s fucking amazing it was
a really funny
online video
where it was a
spoof of these
avatar people
that recreate avatar and it was like you know
it was just a parody
but it was really funny
but the funny
thing is that people really do that
but at least if you’re doing avatar
you’re doing something fantastical and
fantasy filled and wonderful
what about these assholes that pretend
they’re in the civil war
right you know we’re
gonna recreate a battle
we’re gonna come over the hill
right there and then
you’re gonna
meet us with
cannon fire
you know you’re
gonna fall yeah
what are you doing
did you guys hear
about just one
thing if they had paintball
guys is your website getting
crushed yeah your website’s
getting destroyed so never mind
well we just
crushed your website that quickly
welcome to the
power of the podcast
you got my webmaster is it wordpress
the motherfucking saga
continues yeah we’ve
crushed many a website on the show
i actually enjoy doing it now
something i like
being able to imagine a website and
watching that
motherfucker hit the next
round bolster
the bolster
the defenses
it’s more of
a flaw of wordpress we’ve had problems with
ours man we’ve had problems whenever the podcast runs
i’m just got to separate
everything onto two servers because i have a message
board and a regular blog
and when the podcast hits
you can access it through the regular
blog and when you access it through the blog it’s like
everything else just slows down to a fucking
creep cause there’s just thousands of people hitting it
and really honestly not that many
i mean it’s only
like a couple of thousands at a time it’s amazing like
how little it takes
to crush a website
you know a couple thousand hits at once
and it just
crushed the
what the fuck are we prepared for
what kind of
weak ass shit is this you know it’s not like a
television where everyone
can tune into the station at the same time well
it’s a flawed
system no it is
if you have a server set up
right and prepared for that you’ll be fine
using like cloud servers but the problem is
you know you
get your private server and that’s just if you think
about it private server is one computer
so imagine we
have a computer we have a
dedicated server
for that and a couple
other sites but
we probably
should go to the cloud
go to the clouds
it’s time to go to the
cloud bitches
did you hear
about that nbc employee that got fired
because he leaked a video of
bryant gumble
and whatever that
chick’s name from the
today show from 1994
where they were talking
about the internet
and they both did not know what the internet was
ninety four i know who the fuck cares right
the guy got
fired from nbc
cause he put it on youtube and now
nbc’s trying to take down the clip from youtube i mean
why cause they look like fools yeah but
it’s ninety four
so but play it we have to find out how someone lost
their job off this
you know what it is man it’s the
infrastructure
these old fucks that are
still in charge of
these corporations
they just have not caught the fuck up
here we go
with the a and then the ring around it
see that’s what i said
case that she thought it was about yeah
they didn’t know what that means dumb cunt
can you turn it louder bro
well allison should know what do you think
about anyway
internet is that massive computer network
the one that’s becoming really big now
what do you mean that’s the way i just wanted to know
what do you write to it like male
no a lot of people use it communicate
it i guess they can communicate with mbc
writers and producers allison
can you explain what internet is
no she can’t say anything in ten seconds or less
allison will be in the studio shortly
what does it mean
right
right and others can access right
just really
handy during the
quake a lot of people that’s
how they were communicating out to tell family and
loved ones they were okay because all the
phone lines were down
i was telling katie
you don’t need
you don’t need that you don’t need a
phone line to operate you
know no apparently
not so katie is talking to a lot of people out in la
who are afraid to go to sleep
really yeah they’re scared to go to
sleep a lot of people
who particularly
those who live alone are
are afraid i mean they’re
they’re getting in the bed with the gym
shoes how did he segue
from the internet
to being scared to go to sleep
alone is it good
that a tremor
will come through
i’m hoping they talk more
about the internet again
okay let’s just kill it
right there
that’s fascinating i’m saving that
right now i went to keepvid com
yes by the way if there’s
anything that you can find on the internet like a
youtube clip they’re like oh shit what if they find out
about this is
gonna get yanked
go to keepvid com
keep k ep vid
com and there’s
an application
what it lets you do is you put in the
url of the youtube clip
and then all you have to do is
press you know follow the instructions
and pick what
resolution you
want what format and then you can download it yeah
and if you have mac i’ve noticed it
doesn’t work on chrome yes it
doesn’t work on
safari either i think
it works on firefox
it does safari
does it work on yeah it just takes a while it
doesn’t work on chrome though at all
for some reason
maybe i got it set up wrong
but i’m not a fan of chrome
i use it but it shows too many distortions on websites
shows things
and i’ve been
going back and forth i’m
still stuck with chrome for some reason i think
it’s better in safari
my problem with
safari is is that
flash does not work good in safari
like i don’t know if that’s flash
versus apple
but it seems like
safari flash
crashes way more than a
dozen chrome
you know why is that embarrassing to them
that they didn’t know what the internet was in 1994 i
mean what the fuck is
why does everyone have to look like they knew
everything all the time
i mean that’s the only way
anybody should be
upset at that
nbc should be fascinated by that they
should put that online they should
put that on the
today show today
yeah that should
be funny that
should be fun
like a fun clip
sure look at us
yeah look at us
from what was
it and they’re
super 17 years ago they released a
statement like and
just said look at this wasn’t this
funny back the
internet was in its infancy
yeah and then people
would be like wow that’s
crazy instead they’re trying to hush it
which makes you
think there needs to be something to be hushed
which makes you think
that these guys are
dummies when really
they would have been like any of us exactly
they’re ashamed of themselves
which is why charlie sheen is the baddest
motherfucker on
the planet cause
he ain’t ashamed he ain’t
given any apologies
he’s wearing fake mustaches and picking up hookers
fucking brian gumble you
pussy is it you are you scared
brian yes you
scared of everybody knowing that you didn’t
know what the internet was i bet that’s what it is
i bet brian gumble
is in a loan in his office all delusional detached
from society going
who put this online
i want his job you know he’s not on the
internet i want his
job you know he’s not on the internet
brian double
yeah he’s one of
those guys that refuses to go on the internet i don’t
think you’re
right you don’t
think no i think
everyone’s on the internet now if you want to be a
journalist there’s not a chance in hell you can stay
off the internet and stay active my stepdad who is a
porn will be
architect nothing else
my stepdad gumball’s got a
ton of fat white
broads on his computer
i bet that’s all it is
fat greasy white
bitch is eating chicken
like big black guys
could you imagine how badass it
would be if you got to
brian cumbles
and all of his shit was like dudes with bones in
their noses and
giant afros
and just the
black cause he’s the whitest
black guy ever
right just the
blackest of the
black all just fuckin
these greasy
fat zit ass
white bitches
just trailer bitches with dirty
socks on and shit
just yeah i
would love to find out what kind of
point blank
guys got on
fucking computer
they do you got you go to one of
these shows like the
avn you see
these sites
and it’s like how do you even come up with that
exactly but
they do it’s also strange
isn’t it man it’s also strange for people get into
hmm but this is disturbing to me that someone lost
their job for that
that guy should have been
given a raise
you know or at
least recognized for his
you know wow
for just found this
that’s amazing
that’s a good job yeah yeah
whatever i would be
laughing if i was
brian cumbal i
would be asking you to play that
i’d be like play that
jesus count
crook and if you imagine what has
changed in 17 years cause
there’s nothing embarrassing
about not knowing that then
you know in 1994 there’s nothing embarrassing
about it and if you’re
brian gumble
or the other
chick no you
should hear about the
story and fucking
write the producers of
that show or nbc and go look
do not fire this guy
give him his job act stop being a fucking retard yes
absolutely i 100
agree yeah that’s a very good
point brian
yeah this is
ridiculous that someone lost
their job for that
you know i heard a
interesting
story about the kind of the father of the
modern computer
this guy alan
turing was a british guy and he
basically developed
what was going to be the groundwork for the binary
system you know the ones and zeros and
brilliant guy created like the touring
computing system or whatever
and also actually helped
help the allied
forces decode
the codes that were
going to the u boats from the nazis
and i created the
system that helped do that
but the fucked up
thing was and what caught my attention is is like 1952
he got convicted of
gross indecency
by the uk because he was a gay man
and they the punishment at that
point was injections of female hormones
no so they started injecting this dude
forcibly with female hormones wait a
minute that’s the punishment for
gross indecency and he committed suicide two years
later like tragedy he was only like
i think he was under 50 years old
wow what is
wrong with the
english folks i
know back then
that would be
the punishment and this was like what year was this
this was a 50
i think he died
yeah 52 alan turing tu
ring that’s incredible it is
so what were they trying to do turning them into a
woman well i
guess it was supposed to lower his sex
drive so he wouldn’t be
humping dudes because he had too much
estrogen and whatever else they put it in him
who the fuck
now whoa can
you imagine the horror
of like getting
state injected
female hormones that just made you feel all fucking
tracked oh my
god terrible
jesus christ
after he helped he helped decode
the fucking codes for the u but he
should have been
given you know
here’s 20 boys to
men to adore
you you know
here’s a bunch of dudes like
where’s the fucking
honor it’s amazing how much
things have
changed in 70
years 67 years you know it’s really kind of
crazy when you
think about it you know how much more
things are accepted now and that is a
direct result
of the spread of information
you know people kind of
understand that gay people aren’t
twisted and fucked up and
you know it’s like the
ignorance is the real
issue there’s
a crazy story that i read today
from god i forget
where it was i
think it might have been florida i forget the
state but a guy
stabbed his friend
because he found out his friend was a
muslim and they
apparently they
lived in the same town hung out together a
bunch of times they were talking they’re in
their 50s okay
they’re at a bar they’re talking at a bar
and the guy mentions that he’s
muslim and so the
other guy just fucking stabs him in the neck
jesus yeah and he gets arrested he’s like
muslims are the
cause of the problems well this
whole world
you know like what what you just
stabbed that guy in the neck because he said it was a
muslim like
vagatory well
a disassociation with
just the grip on reality
some people you know the amazing
thing though really and this is something to
focus on this
is something that’s actually very important
we are not supposed to know
about that guy
cause he is fucking nowhere near us
the real issue with
human beings is that
we’re set up
to deal with immediate danger immediate threats
immediate positive and negative aspects of our life
right here and now what’s here
but now because of the internet and because of
television and the news and movies
we have access to this fucking massive
chain of shit that’s coming in
so we’re not
learning about
300 million people even we’re
learning about
the whole world over
the more fucked up it is the more you’re
gonna hear about it
right you know serial killers in russia
a fucking guy who eats
babies and yugoslavia
where the fuck it’s happening
completely unrelated to you
it’s all just gonna come
swarming in on you to the
point where
you’re fucking
completely terrified yeah but
if you really look at it as long as
you don’t live in the shittiest of shitty neighborhoods
if you really
look at it it’s amazing how well people get
along right
it really is
quite amazing
if you really stop and
think about it
that we can get through
30 40 years of a life and
never been in a fist fight
i know a lot of guys who have
never been in funeral
been a fist fight
right i mean too but they were middle
school and middle freshmen
it’s amazing i
lived i mean i’ve
lived a life
around a lot
of that and it was only two years ago that i got in my
first actual
street fistfight
well i mean if you
go to bars it can happen it can happen but it’s amazing
though it’s very
rare it’s incredible how
rare it happens
even at ufcs i mean how many times have been to
ufc though the audience is
drunk it’s at
least 10 skull t
shirt wearing meatheads
right at least 10
and still very few five yeah
but that there’s another factor at work there if you
fight someone at
ufc you never
know big risk yeah
there’s someone from you know
american top team who hasn’t made it to tv sitting next
year wearing that same t
shirt check his ears
homie yeah yeah exactly it’s not a malik 11
inside his ear
yeah it’s a little
risky to be
yeah that’s true
but there’s also you know dudes
think through the falcon
of course the fucking man
of course i can’t believe
rashad evans pulled out that fight that
pussy like guys
are like you know send me twitter messages or
email messages calling
fighters pussies
and i just go oh my god
do you know how
silly this is like
this is like a little baby crying
right now this is just nonsense
you’re saying nonsense you tell me a professional
cage fighter is a
pussy even the
worst professional cage
fighter is not a pussy the
worst one that’s ever lived
yeah he’s not a pussy all
right even if
he fucking taps out
after he gets hit a
bunch of times
you would tap out
quicker stupid
all right let’s not
no i wouldn’t bro
i feel no pain
i have no fear
yeah it was
people love to make up shit
i was reading up
all the shit that steven seagal
has made up all throughout his career because there’s a
whole thing
going on right now
where steven seagal
told everybody that anderson silva he
taught anderson that kid
which is kind of what he’s supposed to do
right i mean there’s
videos of him
training with anderson well fuck it anderson
barely even
speaks english
just run around tell everybody
that you taught him it
and you know what anderson’s so cool
he’ll probably be like yeah yeah he touched
me he’s a good
guy i always
thought that was just
him playing a goof
but anderson anderson
did you do a little wing chung and
he always does
that he’ll do a little like moving the hands
funny and he’s just letting you know he’s
ready to fucking explode in your face
to kick you in the chin
yeah that was a
ridiculous fight was
ridiculous is he
really saying that
is he really saying that he’s the one that
taught him yes
steven seagal was really saying that boss rooting went
fucking crazy
and boss rooting i’m
gonna go do an advertisement for his gym so i’m
gonna try to get him on the podcast too because boss
rooting will have
some fucking amazing stories
brawls and holland
he’s just a
savage i love boss room
but boss went
crazy on twitter
and he’s like
what planet is he from
did he learn this from fucking disneyland he’s like
boss roots go
crazy on twitter
he’s angry at
steve i heard
i heard an unverified
story about
when jean labelle
and steven seagal
had a yeah that’s a true
story that’s an absolute true story
gene nobel told me that story
jean dean tells you it like this he
doesn’t actually tell you
those stories that’s a
story well you
know steven was trying to say that no one
could joke him out
you can’t joke him out you have this move
this move stop you
from choking out so you know i was like alright steven
let’s try it
i get him in the headlock there i get him in the rear
naked and he takes this hand the free hand and he
just karate
chops me right and
you know the old
sisters and
there’s like you know the way gino
bell talks i
would even say his balls is
like the nicest
guy ever he
would say something
right in the old johnson
you know and then
well and then i
guess he got
tired after doing that he just fell asleep
i guess maybe forgot to go to the bathroom
so i went to the bathroom then
and if you know jean labelle
jean labelle is like
first of all he was like one of the original
mixed martial artists he’s a judo guy that had cage
fights or it wasn’t a cage it was you know
basically a mixed rules fight where he fought a boxer
you know he fought a boxer with his judo
guian and took the boxer down and beat his ass
you know jean was like
he’s like the guy that taught
bruce lee about grampling
you know bruce lee
back in the day thought you could just karate
kick everybody in the head and that was the shit
and bruce lee actually worked on a lot of
more effective things like leg kicks and
short range techniques wing chung and boxing
punches and stuff like that but he really wasn’t
aware about grappling
until he hooked up with
jean le bell
and jean lapel is a fucking gorilla
he’s just you know national champion judo player
and he’s just so fucking ridiculously strong
and i’m sure he grabbed that little
135 pound chinese man
and had him fucking shit his
pants going okay now we learn grapple
yeah you know i mean you had to learn grappling
after you fucked around with jean labelle
yeah so jean
labelle telling the
story you know it makes it extra funny but but
but he was at the ufc again he’s in in
in anderson silva’s corner
oh nice he’s always
steve seagal’s always in anderson silva’s
i don’t know
yeah how did they how did they get together
i don’t know maybe
just like a fan and you want well
tell you what dude the bottom line is whatever you
think might
think silly
about steven
seagal the motherfucker was a serious aikido
guy you know like if you watch his aikido
videos he’s not
completely full of shit
all right i’m not a fan of aikido i think it’s
silly nonsense
but if you’re gonna get good at
silly nonsense
which i kind of did i got really good at taekwondo
and a lot of that
silly nonsense a lot of that shit
doesn’t work when dudes are
shooting doubles on you and drop it elbows on your face
steven seagal
learn the different kind of
silly nonsense and it’s not all
silly nonsense
it’s just that
all out of all of it what percentage of it
would actually work
against someone knew what the fuck they’re doing
that’s the most important
thing about martial arts
it’s got to work on someone who knows how to fight
right now like
you always talk to those
street fight guys
like we practice
street tempo
we work on street tempo
basically a lot of techniques
involving mailboxes
whatever you find on the street
yeah you know how to slam a guy into a newsreader
it’s like they all have like fucking techniques
well you take your keys you put them in between your
knuckles now you
essentially have a deadly weapon in your hand
you know like your keys are poking out
like how long does it take to get your fucking keys and
stick your knuckles in them and hold them
get the fuck
out of here i mean if you’re getting in a
fight do you really want to
puncture someone’s
throat it sounds like something that you’re
taught at rape
school you know
don’t get raped
ladies put your
keys in between
your hands and
stuff you know yeah
yeah those those rape
classes are you ever see that when
they put the guy puts on the big blue suit and the wind
scream no and just kick them yeah kicking is the move
man lie on your back and
learn how to kick
learn how to use a guard
learn how to
put that’s if a
woman wants to
learn how to
fight you should
learn jiu jitsu
cause the reality is it’s very rare
unless you like an
exceptionally
strong woman
like i’ve met some
women that have like
good bone structure they’re
strong and like wow this chick
punches she can fucking hurt you
like one of the dudes who work for
fear factor had an assistant and she was just like
you know corn fed girl
just fucking not fat at all she was like only a hundred
thirty pounds
but this bitch
could punch so hard it was ridiculous
she like told me she’s like i can
punch really hard i’m like okay i get my hand
and she hit my hand i went god
damn and i thought
about her punching me in the face i’m like
this is how
she might be able to
knock me out if she sucker
punched me like
she fucking hits hard get out
get you you
never know but most girls
can’t do it most girls don’t know how to
punch that hard it’s a rare
thing so for most girls if they want to
learn how to
fight they’re gonna
learn how to use
their legs and
learn how to grapple
because if you
weren’t jiu
jitsu you could really
immobilize someone who’s much
stronger than you just
would take and
it seems like
a good triangle joke
should be a mandatory it’s hard
to do if a guy knows i mean
if a guy knows how to
fight well no but
if you’re in a rape scenario yeah but at
least he can eat your gun
hold on you’re
gonna be in
guard anyways
right you know i mean
i suppose there’s a good chance they could
slap that on
the guy would
know what was
going on you know
and choke him out
hold on to his fucking leg make sure he
doesn’t slam you
but you have to
you have to
learn how to use your legs because your legs are what’s
carrying you around all day you know for a
woman her arms
you don’t even realize
what percentage
is weaker your arms
are and that’s what your main weapons are you thinking
about hitting someone
with your hands
yeah what are
your hands doing all day they ain’t doing shit they’re
carrying your
purse and fingering yourself right
that’s not a lot of energy expected
i mean why your legs are
carrying a hundred
fifty hundred
thirty whatever the fuck you
weigh they’re
carrying that around all day your legs are
ridiculously strong
it’s like an ostrich
you know you get a hold of an ostrich
wing what is that
gonna do they don’t even work
they’ll kick a fucking hole in your chest yeah
those big meaty ostrich thighs
those r crumb
looking remember r
crumb the r
crumb is the
comic book artist
yeah i used
to draw all
those women with those big
giant ostrich
asses awesome
he said what a
weird part you ever
seen that movie that
crumb movie yeah it’s fascinating man
fascinating
movie did you
watch the super bowl
of course not
i don’t give a fuck
about football
did you sleep
i didn’t even know who won i didn’t not only did i
not know who won i didn’t even know who was in it
until after it was over
i had no idea
i am completely
blissfully unaware of football
i don’t get it
but what i did get was that christina aguilera
fuck up with the national anthem
oh i love when someone fucks up
i don’t know why and look if it was me i
would be embarrassed too
but there’s something about
every one of us that loves when someone fucking
chokes how do you
like i know nerds and
stuff but you’re a singer so how do
you fuck up the one song that everybody knows you ready
yeah she’s fat
oh that’s why
can’t look forward to the next
thing enough hamburgers this is the
first part listen
bitch you ain’t
tricking anybody by wearing
black it ain’t dark out
okay we see a
large black
object on our screen
you know she’s
thinking baconator
baconator baconator
what are you doing i
understand divorce is hard on everybody sweetie
that’s good but you’ve got
like a billion dollars and you need to hire a fucking
trainer okay
eat some vegetables
every now and then now did she fuck up once or
twice or did she
i don’t know the words to national anthem but it was
definitely wrong all right
let’s listen
yeah let’s listen to it
she apparently
fucked up the lyrics and
switched it around and repeated
lyrics and some shit yeah unlike this you
could look over
and see football players in the audience
and they were
mouthing i think she
like mouthing i
think she fucked up
to honor america
listen to this guy’s fake
voice that guy
should be the strip club
coming to the stage
yeah be the king of all
strip club dj
right there no this is still okay
this is still according to script
i’m reading the lyrics that’s good
that’s what she fucked up or the ramparts we watched
oh she fucked up she said that twice yeah
oh my god she fucked up hard dude
that’s still okay she just fucked up that part
yeah she repeated herself twice
or repeated herself once
you gotta think about the song i mean this is talking
about bombs going off in the sky
ridiculous song we are such cocksuckers
united states
i always say the united
states is the balls of the dick that’s fucking the
world that’s what we are as citizens
in this crazy ridiculous rocket shooting fucking
rockets in our own lyrics
the national anthem has rockets in it and bombs
back then we were
fighting for our freedom joe we’re talking
about the glare of rockets
the red glare
the red glare of rockets like so many rockets that it
changed the night
you already did that one did it twice fella
you did to do how
sad is that that poor girl fucked up like that
that’s pretty rough
dude people realized it too
but they still cheered
i wonder if she got off going on if anybody know
if anybody knew well i think how her
style of singing or like i couldn’t even
understand what she was like
so much that i think
i don’t know i think that
style of singing sucks
yeah i don’t like it
rather change it i mean
yeah you can like what you like it’s okay
you know i’m not saying that i’m right and you’re wrong
all i’m saying is i think it sucks
i don’t like it yeah i think that
style is that yeah yeah
it’s like you just show them what you can do with your
voice you know
like like what is that girl named natalie
what the fuck’s her name singer
god damn it i know you’re talking just got a beautiful
voice nicole nott
i’ll look it up on itunes right there
she does it but when she does it
she does it like
it’s like she’s not doing it like
like to try to just to try to make the
her voice sound different like
she’s like expressing herself a certain way i
think you should
think about the words of the song and watch
her and if it
accentuates the message of the song then nelly
nelly furtado that’s her name yeah
like put on that song i’m like a bird put it on
just do it gives a shit
fucking fuck serious
i want to hear this goddamn song
because it’s interesting we have to edit this out
i’m sure they have some sort of intern
system they
could find someone
you can go hey dude there’s some songs up in this
bitch won’t you go find them
yeah
but my point is
that there’s
a difference between someone who’s got a beautiful
voice and someone’s got a beautiful
voice and they have to fucking show everybody
you know it’s
like a dude who’s all oiled up wearing a tank top
and walk around town so all
right dude i know you work out okay
it’s thirty degrees out i got a tank top on hey
you fucking
dummy with your stupid
voice yeah yeah
you got something there
you would think that someone you know it’s like
stephen pressfield in the war of art talking
about professionals
and not professionals yes it’s a not professional
thing to do
absolutely is
to just have to overdo
something to
show what you’re
capable of it’s like
someone should show up
do the job do it as good as you can and
go away absolutely
it’s like someone who wants
their guitar solo no matter what even if it fucks up
a song right
all right and there’s a lot of that out there
as the guitar solos
would get you all that
sweet pussy
it’s just me there’s a spotlight
on me i hit that guitar and i just feel it yeah
like this in this girl’s
voice this girl has a
gorgeous voice
the wind yeah
she’s a pretty girl
and when she sings though like
you can you know that she’s got this incredible range
but she’s not
using it to be a douche she’s
using it like she’s trying to make the song right yeah
turn that up ryan
like that man that’s beautiful listen to this
like the way she sings bird that bitch can
sing thinking about a bird too
it’s real man it’s not flashy show busy horse shit
even when she
does that you know she stretches it out but it makes
sense you know
just a fucking professional
are you listening christina
put the fucking donuts down and go running
we’re gonna get this together hooker
it’s not too late
it’s not too late
what are you thirty okay
pull it together whore
i’ll date you
brian will fuck up your life more than food ever
could i could look like your jewish
accent you will
be so stressed
out you will lose massive amounts of weight
i should have called her whore
that was searching for a word
i meant hooker but i’d already said it
she’s awesome to hang out with
call chick hooker and it’s okay like shut up hooker
you just playing around be
say shut up whore
you like hey what are you doing hookers like a
funny word it is
you know but it’s the fucking same thing
like girls call each
other hooker all the time and it’s funny
you know i always always calling people hooker
like in the audience too like someone yells and
i’m like shut up hooker
sit the fuck down
but it doesn’t really mean whore you know
it means like
freak bitch you know like sit the fuck down you
wacky broad
you know you know what i mean
right but whore
so i apologize christina
don’t let me
make you eat more
don’t let me
make you run to that fucking cupboard and
start pulling out cookies
and if you listen to
this podcast and you probably don’t let’s be realistic
but you never know man
never know i mean it is on the internet
if you listen we’re just fucking around
all right don’t get upset
but it couldn’t be
funny if it wasn’t true okay
we got a deal we all got to deal with our own little
shortcomings in this life
and you like food you don’t like to work out
we need to fucking rotate those
you don’t rotate
those so chris what’s your new business to about
and it’s open now right
last time you
were on here it wasn’t open you were talking
about it was just
about to start so
what is it so i
basically took
a need that i had you know
where i’m a guy who
parties hard
works hard works out hard and
you sound like the
ultimate male yeah
and she’s a badass
you know you don’t always
sleep and you know like
on most people’s
counter you know i
just saw your
counter there’s tons of supplements like a ton
like you have to take a
bunch of different
stuff yeah take
care of them put it all together
so what i created was
basically a conglomeration of
the best combination of ingredients i
could and put it in two pills
two different types of formulas
so one formula is
an antioxidant
vitality formula
gives you a
ton of energy without the caffeine
which further dehydrates you
causes bad shit
in your body and
starts eliminating the free radicals that are coming in
so you actually feel good and have more energy
as you’re going out
the other one and so that’s for like during a
party or pre
party it’s actually
super good for working out too right
because it just makes you feel better and it
doesn’t get you all
wired that’s the day quill
yeah that’s basically
it’s called roll
on yeah roll on and what’s your name your company
on it labs and it is on it labs com on it com onit
com cool and the
other ones for the or n i t o
n n double ns ooh you
trick people
though that’s confusing i know who’s o n i t
i don’t know so that
motherfucker is owning your business man
so we need to get another website
that ain’t gonna work
yeah that’s
gonna fuck people up dude
double that
that double ends
a mess that’s
gonna remember you’re
gonna lose money from that double end
did you try on it labs com
with one in
like well because i don’t want it to be too
literal you know like on it
you just it’s just
like yahoo guy hates money
i hate money
he fucking hates money
but so then there’s only
a jewish manager
you hate money
joseph you hate money
so my manager says oh we did this the show and
in vegas this weekend and
wow i shouldn’t even talk
about this he’s
gonna get mad if i talk
about this what
i can’t say anything oh i
gotta pull out
so onit labs
n n i t so it’s onit com
and all this
stuff is available
right now for sale
right so you can buy it
so shit that kills hangovers
well yeah so the recovery formula is more
focused on your
brain because if you’re not
sleeping if you’re
partying doing anything you’re not restoring your
serotonin oxytocin
dopamine all of the
brain chemicals get restored during deep
sleep your booze
up or if you’re
partying and you can destroy
those with pills or just
help it a little bit well you can help you can help it
quite a bit because
5hdp is the
building direct
precursor to serotonin
and when combined with b6
which is the catalyst
which converts
5 htp to serotonin
you can actually
start rebuilding
serotonin way faster
otherwise it
would take weeks to rebuild
but if you blast out your
serotonin you have the 5 htp
with the vitamin b6 paradoxing then
you can actually recover your
serotonin faster
so that’s why people feel bummed out
after they haven’t slept
and they get
cranky this
would be perfect for like if you’re dancing with molly
what hypothetically
if you were
doing ecstasy or
doing some kind of drug that’d be perfect for that
right well dancing with
molly you talking
about there’s a type of ecstasy
called molly
right pure fun
right and yeah i mean obviously the product
would work extremely
well for that because not only is it restoring your
serotonin which is
actually what makes you feel good is the
ecstasy releases too much
serotonin in your body
also the other formulas are
going to start
mitigating the
neurotoxicity
associated with keeping your body at that kind of
high level of reverberation
where all your ht
transmitters are just all
blocked up and the
serotonins running wild
which makes you feel great
it’s doing some it’s doing a little bit of damage
not like the
you know like
the studies that said it fries your brain
what does it
what is what does it do
like the studies that say that
ecstasy wow
yeah those were actually
it was mixed with methamphetamines
okay so methamphetamines
does that it was a bad
sample that they were
using and methamphetamines does that can you
show in your
brain well it’s kind of a metaphorical
way but it does serious serious damage you know
ecstasy from what you know there’s actually a big
study by rick
strassman now on post traumatic stress for mdma
really and yeah
soldiers coming back from the war they’re all
tweaked out they can’t
trust anything they’re shaking and
bombs are going off in
their head when they hear something slam on a table
right the mdma
well pure mdma
i shouldn’t call it
ecstasy that’s kind of the
street name for the drug but the pure mdma
it creates an environment
where you’re
trusting and loving in the universe again
and so they’re able to go relive some of
these things and say
okay that was war
but you know what this
isn’t war like this is life and life is good there’s
beauty in this life and really with some of the studies
coming back they just did i
think a 20 person
study got the results done
through maps
maps dot org
right and right
which is the
center for psychedelics yep
and studies rick
aspen’s running it what is map
stand for mall
multidisciplinary something
psychedelic studies
multidisciplinary
association
psychedelic
study something like that
but yeah great
study that came back but what
ecstasy will do is
obviously it’s very dehydrating so you
wouldn’t want to take any
caffeine or anything
like that because your body is trying to get rid of it
just like any
drug you take your body is trying to do that
and when your body is trying to get rid of something
you get dehydrated
it’s also has some
neurotoxicity
associated i mean if you’re
gonna be in that
level of high reverberation
free radicals are just
gonna be peeling out of your body
so really yeah
yeah i mean
that’s what it’s that stress it’s that kind of stress
that’s causing you know
where did you
learn all this stuff
did some research
did some research on it you know i mean obviously
the you know
psychedelic research and a lot of this
is up my alley
plus with the supplements
just dealing with the formulas that i have
and seeing kind
of the damage that a lot of people in my
generation are
going through
who are partying hard and
some of them are doing drugs i’m not
advocating doing it but a lot of people are doing it
and they’re doing it in a way that’s really damaging
their ability to move on with
their life and
handle business
as well as they should
so while these
foremans aren’t designed specifically for that
they do obviously
really help because it’s just like
that’s like the
ultimate level
of putting attacks on your body
when you’re
partying with drugs i need to get it
it takes it to the
other level
so the rollover
formula has five http directly converts to serotonin
l tryptophan
which is actually
the building
block of 5htp so it’s more like a time release
also the same
thing it’s in
thanksgiving turkey
makes you kind of
sleepy kind of
brings you down from any of your
big high experiences
i only did ecstasy
once and i decided
right after i did it this is probably not a good
thing to do i
felt terrible the next day you need the recovery for me
right well i don’t
need the whole block
well there’s a couple
things happening you have
neurotoxicity
built up and you have low
serotonin from
what’s happened so
you know it
can make you feel good
i want to try this
yeah totally
i want to try this
stuff too i
think it’s fascinating
there’s a whole new
area of interest
these days and that’s
mind chemicals like mind
vitamins what they call neutropics a
bunch of different
substances that
increase increase circulation to certain areas of
your brain increase the
work load rather of certain areas of your brain
i love that
stuff i think it’s so amazing
people have figured out how to do that
you know it’s really
amazing how many different substances on this earth
interact with the
human body like i gave you guys some stevia
we have coffee here instead of
sugar we have stevia
and stevia is like this natural
sweetener that
doesn’t have any calories and it
doesn’t fuck you up and
doesn’t jack your
glucose levels or
it’s really yeah it’s really good yeah
dissolves in dissolves in a cup of
green tea that
yeah yeah and it’s
it’s it’s interesting
you know that there’s all
these different
things like
caffeine you know there’s
things that
jack up your you know your chemistry and get you going
like it’s amazing
there are many different
things there
are also very interesting is that
the lobbies that try and
block these things
like stevia you know i don’t know
my facts exactly but i know that the
sugar lobby
put up a big stink
about stevia like a big
stink i’m sure created some
created some issues like i don’t think
like coca cola in
other countries diet coke uses stevia but in real
coca cola nine percent sure
that coke uses steven
i know there are some sodas that use it i
definitely but then but they
don’t use it here in the us just because there’s such a
stink about it yeah
hillary clinton
lobby’s done
hillary clinton was
asked yesterday
about let me find the
article so i can
because it’s so ridiculous
it just shows what the fuck is
wrong with this country
yeah mexican
coca cola is in bottle you can buy out in la
and they use real cane
sugar still in
mexico so when you have like a coke in the bottle out
here in la it’s so
weird tasting it
because it kind of remember
you kind of remember as a kid
drinking it
tastes like here’s what
here’s what
hillary clinton said they were talking to her
about the war in mexico and drugs
and this just goes to show you how fucked up the drug
lobbyists in this country are and the
pharmaceutical
lobbyists and how much
influence they have
we can’t legalize drugs because there’s just too much
money in it
that’s what she said
this is an exact
quote you know
i hear the same
debate i hear it in my country
it’s not likely to work there’s just too much
money in it i don’t
think that you can legalize
small amounts for
possession but
those who are making so much
money selling
they have to be stopped
oh you mean like
pharmaceutical companies pushing
oxycontins in florida like they’re fucking kit kats
is that what you mean and it’s so
dirty how they do it too like even l
tryptopin l
tryptopin is
you know it’s
gonna boost your
serotonin a lot of
those drugs prozac paxil
all these things they fall in a category called
ssris selective
serotonin reuptake inhibitors
and all of those drugs are
basically operating on your
serotonin mechanism giving you more serotonin
well l tryptophan
5 htp does this naturally
they give us
one bad batch of l tryptophan
that came in from
japan it was
tainted it had some bacteria that grew in it like it
could happen to fucking vitamin c
whatever they logged onto that and just started
pounding the fda
into the fda
outlawed it for like
10 12 years
until finally people were like this is ridiculous
stuff helps you
relax helps you
sleep build serotonin
but the drug
lobbies have just huge power
you know i mean huge
power to be able to alter
it’s incredible that she
would answer this that way without the obvious
but obviously
there’s a lot of
other drugs that are
legal in this country like alcohol and tobacco that
cause a lot of damage
i mean they don’t even look at the
whole picture
when they’re answering they’re so used to people not
completely questioning them
you’re right there fella yeah
there’s something
going on with
their mics they
start echoing or something
there’s some there’s an arrogance
to these type of answers you know
you’re supposed to be the person with the answer
someone asks you a question and here’s your answer
and you know
logically that this answer is
ridiculous because it
discounts all the
money that you get from drug companies from
pharmaceutical
companies what
about all the
money you get from alcohol
companies and tobacco companies what
what about all that
money where
where is that what
how does that factor into your
thing well it
doesn’t they just stop the conversation
and it’s like
it’s a sickness it’s a sickness that we allow this
it’s a sickness that politicians can say retarded
shit like that
and not just be
blasted all over the news for being hypocrites
i mean what they
should have on cnn
tonight is hillary
clinton’s quote
and then all the fucking
money she got when she was
running for president how much of it is connected to
pharmaceutical
companies and how
much of it was connected to alcohol companies and back
yeah how much it
where’s the
lobbyists where
who’s paying them what
you know what is she
voted for in the past what is she
tried to keep legal
you know come on man you fucking criminals
yeah you dirty
stinky corrupt criminal i’ve got
every one of you fucks i’ve got
not screaming in the streets you’re a fucking crook
i’ve gotten pretty
fired up on the same
topic recently and
i just found a
video from milton friedman
who is a pretty
famous libertarian and economist
and he was actually talking it’s just a real breath of
fresh air to listen to him because he’s quoting
john stewart mill the philosopher
basically saying like the only
right the government has to impose on our freedom
is if we’re hurting somebody else like
the bottom line period
like no other
statements and the
video that i actually have on my site
is milton friedman talking
about seat belt and helmet laws
and he’s saying like
this was a litmus test the seat belt and helmet laws
of the government imposing
their will upon people
and nobody really cares that much
about those laws but he’s like
this is a sign of what they’re doing
they’re saying they know better than you
what’s good for you and they’re
going to make you do this
said it’s your
fully your right to wear it
should be fully your
right to wear no helmet on your motorcycle
like it’s not
gonna hurt anybody else yeah it’s a
stupid risk you shouldn’t do it
it’s not advocating wearing no helmets
that’s your
right and the government has no fucking business
right telling you
otherwise it’s like you telling
brian that he has to wear a helmet and if he
doesn’t you’re
gonna lock him in a cage yeah
there’s really no difference
between you and the government i mean you know
other than the fact that supposedly the government is
supposedly elected to represent you
which gets very questionable it’s very
very fucking gross
yeah god damn it
but you know
the other point is
too that if you’re
if you create all
these laws that people find is immoral
you know they
begin to distrust the whole
system like you have to follow these laws
like people don’t look at
police as they
should like police should be
saviors you know like
oh thank god the police are here
right you know you’re having a
party everybody’s
happy things are good you like ah
there’s a fucking police outside
right you know it’s like
when you create a
system like that that’s when
things get fucking
tracked there’s a cop in los angeles that
claimed to have gotten shot
outside of a school
and he was apparently
bullshit the entire time
and they went this massive manhunt looking for
this guy who shot the cop and he gave a description and
everything is
white male with a fucking
great ponytail you know you
think it’s some
crazy biker type character
right turns out
it was just complete fabrication this
guy now did he
shoot himself
i don’t know
they didn’t
find investigating
they’re investigating so i don’t
think they’ve made an official statement
but the official
statement is that the cop has
admitted that he lied
that no one really shot him
so what the fuck man
and they apparently cost
500 000 for this manhunt
and that’s only
what it cost to stay
cause i was
trapped in that traffic
and i was like an hour and a half
out of my schedule for the day
that’s a good
point right how many people lost
money how many deals didn’t get closed how many
things didn’t
eventually you’re
gonna be able to have something in your car
just like let i talk shit
on your iphone
where if you’re
stuck in traffic you’re
gonna be able to
press a button and have a fucking
direct conference
video call with people
you know they’re
gonna be right there looking right at
you you know
like so you can have a meeting in your car
should be now
auditions why not
man i fucking love having calls in my car
man that’s the number one reason why i went to verizon
i went to verizon over at and
t was cause i had the iphone
i fucking drive around man my
phone just would cut off left and
right it would piss me off
would drive me nuts yeah at
t is bad here verizon
fucking almost
never cuts off man it’s amazing
yeah i mean it’s it’s like
it’s so much better it’s not
it’s not twenty percent better or
thirty percent better it’s like
fifty or sixty percent better
you know like at amp
t was just cutting out
everywhere the verizon
might fuck up
every now and then you know you go through some
weird hilly area or something
where there’s no signal period
but they just fucking at
t was brutal
and that my car when i get in it’s got that bluetooth
thing where it syncs up and then the
voice comes through the
speakers so you can have some pretty cool conversations
and you’re not taking your hands off the wheel
it’s just like someone’s in the car with you
you know like you’re having a fun
cover it makes
driving so much more interesting by yourself
but fucking eighteen
teach can’t pull it off supposedly verizon
with this new iphone is actually
teetering your download speeds
because they’re trying that’s how they’re trying to
i guess they’re
regulating yeah yeah yeah what is
the word staggering
and staggering it yeah
whatever the
word is if they find out you use a lot they’re
gonna cut your shit down
and then like you’ll have like half the download
speed or whatever a fraction of the download
speed that you had before that’s
annoying that is annoying
you know what else is annoying
it’s a world
phone and that they don’t have that part
activated yeah
cause i have a
blackberry with verizon i thought
about using the iphone with
verizon but you know with the
ufc i’m always
traveling to england and
traveling around the world
i gotta go to australia in a couple weeks
i couldn’t deal with
you know having no
phone over there that would
annoy the shit out of me yeah
you know but they don’t have you
think that they’re
gonna activate it
later maybe it’s just something that they’re waiting on
apple to get you know like the software part
put in there somehow
i don’t know what the fuck it is man it’s kind of
annoying you know
yeah it seems
weird that it’s in the
phone but you can’t use it
it makes no
sense at all
hey chris we can hear you peeing man
it’s not because
you’re waterfall they put
doors on bathrooms for a reason so
what didn’t you wanna
talk about in
vegas nothing
can i tell you what happened to me in vegas
yeah yeah tell me
about the hooker story
oops sorry yeah
i forgot i forgot that that was the
whole story
that was what was
funny about it
we’re just telling a
story anyway
so we were out this
is what happens let me tell you something what happens
we’re all drunk and it
was three o’clock in the
morning or whatever the fuck it was i’m laying in my
hotel room conked out
and my phone
starts vibrating and it’s brian
yeah and so what happened to me is we all separated
after the bars and we
went to our separate
hotel or separate elevators or whatever
so i get in an elevator
and right before it
closes this girl does like the arm thing
to get in the elevator so i’m like oh hey
she was like this girl that
looked just like kim
kardashian a little bit
taller than me
fucking wearing a nice
dress like tan just look really like rich i
guess and just top
top of the line
shelf girl i have to comment real
quick how many girls say they look like kim kardashian
on like facebook don’t i look like kim
kardashian oh
is that it that’s
what i look like kim kardashian
so i hit 10
that was on floor 10
and she hit nine
and she starts texting
and just not paying attention
i was just looking at her
tits wasn’t paying attention
the door opened
and shut and then
right when it was shut and she goes
fuck i missed my floor
and i just jokingly
cause i was so wasted
i had the balls to
do this i jokingly said
you can crash in my room
and then she goes
she looks at me for like a couple
seconds goes
okay and then
the elevator door opens and i’m like in
shock i’m like she’s not
you know she’s fucking with me
i get out of the elevator
she just follows me out
my room was
right down there
started walking she’s just following
me we’re not talking we’re not saying anything i just
look over at her i’m smiling she’s like smiling at me
and then i open my door up
the door opens
shuts she fucking immediately
throws pushes me
against the wall
grabs my dick
starts making out with me just for like a good
minute or so what’s
going through your head
right at that point
like don’t fuck this up don’t fuck this up no it’s
fuck yeah fuck yeah this
is awesome i’m making out with a girl that i have to
on my tippy toes to make out with
and then she goes
thousand dollars if you wanna play
and i was like oh you’re
i thought you were a real girl
and that’s her yeah
it was going
right when i said i’m like oh that
sounded bad but
and then she goes no
honey no no
she goes all
right that’s cool well and i’m like oh i’m so
sorry i’m so
sorry i thought you’re just you know a real girl
and then she goes no problem
and then she goes he
there’s one
for the road or something like that and then she just
starts making out with me
again and i’m
thinking like do i pay her five
bucks for that and then i’m also
thinking i’m also
thinking like
a thousand dollar hooker that’s like top
grade hooker that’s not like a normal
mandalay bay hooker
right that’s like a
that’s a charlie sheen hooker it
could have easily been her
first time being a hooker and she’s just a
crazy bitch
right i mean she just
could be crazy she’s so fucking hot though i
think she was just a high
class one that happened to be
just got done blowing jay z and then
and you know what’s
crazy is her her
mouth tastes like red bull and
socks and i remember
thinking that
like like wow did she just
drink her red bull and chew on a foot
they’re blowing something
and then after that happened i called joe
and i can’t believe this happened
and then i’m
thinking like
do i like run down the hall and tell her like hey
after you work if you want to just
spoon later or something i’m
thinking like all these gay
thoughts because i
wouldn’t have to do anything because i don’t have the
money but if you want to hang out hey i’m cool
oh that’s hilarious and what’s
crazy is this girl that i’m dating here and there like
when i came back i’m like
making out with her and she goes she goes alright
so you didn’t kiss anyone but that hooker this weekend
right i’m like
that’s worse
like i could kiss five
miscellaneous girls but i kiss one hooker
that’s fuck your cat you okay with that because of the
story’s funny
dude don’t complain
just accept the gift the universe is
giving her enough
don’t complain
vegas was fucking awesome
thank you to
everybody who came out the show was sold out we
did that awesome
giant theater
the mandalay big theater that’s the biggest
place i’ve ever done in
vegas it was like 1700
seats it was awesome yeah that was good
how did it feel to be on
stage because it seemed like
that’s hard to grab a
whole theater
i mean this was like
where you see that play cats
this is not just a theater
this is a huge theater well it was the lion kings we
were lion kings lion
king that’s not cat
they’re all
the same thing
thank you cats
the lion king
is actually
entertaining
cats is done everybody realize that cats is a scam
about five years ago
the fuck are we watching
did girl take me to see cats once
when i was like fucking nineteen i was dating this girl
she took me
i was nineteen i was
a wild monkey all
right i was a
savage i couldn’t sit down and
watch something
stupid like cats i sitting
and i was sitting there and it was an hour and
a half and then it stops and you get an intermission
and i’m like get your shit there’s no way we’re
just get your shit and we’re gonna go
right we’re not
gonna watch
these fucking people
parade around in a cat outfit this is it
terrible show it’s terrible
cats is one of those
things that is just a
mind numbing assault on your attention span by the time
you get done if you take a girl to see cats
by the time you’re done your
self esteem
is so low you can barely
get it up to fucker
because you just been abused by
some terrible
entertainment
and then you finally go
what the fuck is
wrong with her that she likes this
and why am i with her and what am i doing with my life
these are the type of
people that i’m hanging out with someone who likes cats
like you’re fascinated
by these fucking retards
prancing around in
giant cat suits
first of all they don’t look anything like cats
they look like people with
stupid outfits on
anyway the lion king is nothing like this the lion king
is actually exciting
yeah we were in the lion king theater it’s
mandalay day theater it’s
where they show the lion king
but it was huge it was a fucking
it’s like seventeen hundred seats
giant fucking room
did you feel like you had to change your
style anyway or
no i’ve done a
bunch of big rooms before you know like the
place i do in edmonton
when i do to canada that’s more than 2 000 people
a place i did in calgary that was like 2 000 people or
1 800 people
toronto or somewhere somewhere
around that the next one we’re doing a toronto
tickets are
gonna go on sale soon i know everybody keeps asking me
about toronto
i think they go on sale this friday
but it’s a theater in toronto
and it’s like 2
500 seats so i’ll tell you all
about that shit there’s a
secret link to that i just got
sent i know
if you’re allowed to
tweet that link or if
well no because
it’s not they’re not up yet
right what’s the name of the theater
it would seem like
the different
experience would be doing like
full coliseum
15 000 well
that’s almost impossible to connect with people
but i feel like you can
still connect with people if there’s
you know i think like
you can get a couple thousand people and if
they’re cool everybody can have a good time and you’re
still in the grove
but you know you get to like some i
heard like larry the
cable guy does like football stadiums
he does like 50 000 people that’s insane
wrap your head around that shit son
just wrap your head around that
massey hall
in toronto that’s
where it is and that’ll be on
april the 29th
like i said tickets i
think go on sale on friday
but um you know
fifty thousand people he does like the
the whole fucking football stadium fill with
larry the cable again
cable guy fans
that’s impossible to connect
those people
i mean yeah you hope you do you get the people in the
front and you lock eyes with them and keep
the party rolling
but yeah there’s
not a lot of room for ad libbing and fucking around
you know it’s just
here’s the show bang bang bang
you gotta bust it out
and is is short and tight in
order as possible
you know the best
thing about
small clubs like we’re gonna do
sal’s comedy hole
in la this weekend
brian’s gonna do it to
brian does it all the time
and it’s on melrose
real intimate
place like when it’s filled i
think it only gets like
seventy or eighty people
right there they’re
expanding it yeah
he bought the
place really recently
sal used to have a
place on the brand
right so it
was was a really another
small place
effect like
sound like a hundred or so and what
he did was he bought a new
place and then with the new
place he’s expanding the back area
and then it’s
gonna be like a 300 seater but for
right now it’s like really
small and sal
you know he’s got this like just it’s just a
sweet setup he’s
always does open mics all the time
every day yeah it’s always like
promoting comedy
and trying to get like young
comics to really
get into it and you know and help them out
one of my friends from
south park he’s making a movie
called serial comic
and it’s about a
comic that’s like
mixed with dexter
and he’s never done
stand up comedy and so i was hanging out with him last
night and he’s like you know
cause i’m doing this
movie i think i need to know what it feels like
and so him and the
other guy went on
stage and did
their first
stand up out of the blue like
no material
and they did good for the
first time with no material just
going i told him like just tell a funny
story just tell some stories that’s happened to you you
know and try to do it on stage
they both hit now
they’re addicted to it now they’re
like immediately
like fucking
first hit you do good man
you do good you get that bug
next thing you know shit gets
crazy it’s real
there’s a difference in doing a
large audience but
it’s not a bad difference it’s good for a show
like a special
like doing a special
like i want to do one special at
least where i do it in a comedy club
because the last one i did in a big theater i think
when you do a special though it’s really kind of
gotta be here’s the jokes here’s
the jokes not that much fucking around here’s the jokes
you know it’s like it’s not the same it’s like
a live audience they
appreciate you know more fucking around and
ad libbing and it’s like it’s like a looser more open
thing but in
transmitting it to a dvd it really should be
you know the material kind of has its written
you know so the difference is that if you’re doing
a big theater you just don’t feel like you have as much
slack you know like when you’re
like a little seat a little
hundred seater it’s like a little tight intimate club
you feel like you just there’s no pressure you
know we’re all just fucking around having a good time
whereas it’s like two
thousand people it’s like okay i’m here to do a show
you know get ramped up like joey
like joey came out guns blazing yeah you know that was
crazy joey knew it was a show he destroyed he
slaughtered i mean
people were fucking pissing i fell
down i fell down
laughing yeah
i said that you know
i told him after the show i told a
bunch of people i
think that’s the funniest i’ve ever seen anybody do
i don’t think i’ve ever
seen anybody
kill roasted the occasion
yeah 15 minutes of just destruction
just went out there and hulk
smashed you know
it was pretty badass
but yeah joey knows how to do
those kind of rooms he just goes out there and hits him
with his best shit over and over and over again yeah
but the theater was badass
it’s fucking really big and so we’re
gonna do it again
on july 3rd
i think it is
right third
yeah i think
that’s what it is
yeah it’s whatever the the next there’s
gonna be a weekend and whatever the friday is
july second
so it’s july first
because july
second is the
ufc it’s july fourth weekend
but july fourth is monday so
i’ll be there on the 1st
july 1st you know
which kind of show i don’t know if you guys
have ever seen it but in the big stadiums i talked to a
hypnotist actually and he was saying
the bigger the stadium
it seems like that
would be hard to do like
hypnotize someone with all that pressure but
the bigger the stadium like the easier the people go to
sleep whoa somehow yeah like it’s inverse it’s
like the opposite of yeah
well i think it’s there’s just this
i don’t know i mean
for whatever
reason i don’t know i can’t deeply delve into the
psychology of
it but somehow that type of environment they get
these people on
stage which is
unbelievable to me because i can’t imagine being
hypnotized personally myself
but incredible but they’ll go
right out and then obviously they do all kind of
that kind of
wacky stuff but
those shows are pretty
interesting to me that
they can take somebody in that environment
where they’re already nervous and people are
watching me holy shit
and put them
right the fuck out you know why
because some people are weak
some people are supposed to be
well and then they do
short circuit
some people
are supposed
to be led they
do subtly take the people out
who aren’t falling asleep and they just go away so they
start with 12 and with
you know eight
yeah it’s amazing how they know you know i
used to do shows back in boston with this guy
named frank santos who was the r
rated hypnotist and he had
a killer fucking show
he used to do it at stitches
comedy club and when i
first saw it i was 21 i was totally skeptical
i was like there’s no way this guy’s
gonna hypnotize all
these people
20 minutes into
it you know
absolutely 100
that these people are hypnotized
and the crazy
thing is this guy like mumbles
like franta
allergies talk like this how’s everybody doing
ladies and gentlemen
okay i’m gonna
count to three and about
three you’re
gonna go to
sleep one two
three click
bitches are
asleep and like
what the fuck i barely
understood what this guy said
but meanwhile he’s running around
touching oh your boobies your boobies are so
happy you’re
gonna play with them
right now you’re
gonna play with your boobies and
chicks would just
start playing with their tits
yeah and he
would say you
right now you my friend you
you have a raging erection
whoa you can’t even believe it you can’t believe
erection the guy looks down at his erection and goes
and who’s underneath you
right now madonna
this is like the
1980s when you didn’t
jump away and disgust
and horror you know
those fucking
veiny monster dick arms she’s got like dicks for arms
that’s what they
look like they look like someone’s hard dick madonna
madonna’s arms are like someone’s the
head like they’re delta
or whatever you like
dicks cause they’re all
veiny and fucking
weird and sinewy and shit
look like a raging dick she’s got
raging dick arms
but anyway he
would do this bit
you know madonna’s
underneath you and guys
would not in
their pants
give it to you give it to
and and you’re
gonna come oh and
and the guy
would like lay
there like this and you’d go get the fuck
out of here you realize that guy just nutted in his
pants yeah like
oh 100 dude for sure
dude frank santos is a master
and i know he
still does shows yeah in the east
coast around boston and rhode island
i think he’s
originally from providence rhode island and he did
he used to have
shows he used to book shows too he was one of the
first guys i actually headlined
for he headlined me in the end there’s a little
room that he did in rhode island really really
great guy but he was
the funniest
hypnotist too because he was always like really
dirty ridiculous shit that he
would make these people do
but when it was over
you know he’d
wake him up and snap them out of it man the look on
their face like they didn’t have a fucking clue was to
it was like
eddie bravo
after a night of jack randy’s
it was just just fucking
who where where am i
whose clothes are these
i bet his sex life is awesome
eddie bravos no no the hypnotist
could you just
hypnotize a
chick yeah that’s
funny you said that because there was a guy who was
a hypnotist
comedian at the comedy store
and he was really
gross he was kind of a creepy dude who at one
point in time was like kind of
funny like back in the 80s
but something happened
along the way and he
never really hit and he was always kind of
stuck around and went up to him like cruises and
weird shit but now so now he’s like in his 50s
and not successful and creepy
and really not
funny he would go on
stage and not be funny
but he was always trying to
hypnotize bitches
that was his move
and so one time i was at the comedy
store like one
of the last times i was there and i went to the
cover booth to ask something
and he was in the corner with this
chick and all i
heard was no i’m not
gonna let you
hypnotize me
well that’s the
thing like you
have like apparently
trust is a huge
you can’t just go around
hypnotizing
random people they got a
woman he was trying is that getting lost is that he
was just swinging no he was asking you let me
hypnotize you let me
hypnotize you yeah
cause they gotta
they gotta accept it
i wonder if
drowning my dick is a reed
you’re in the lake
there’s only one way to breathe
suck my dick
starts fighting it
i need to take a read from
those missing in action
movies remember
they would always hide from the
viet cong by
grabbing the read and they would go
under and breathe through the read
bitch try breathing
through a fucking
read when your
heart’s beating
150 beats a
second snorkels
jesus christ yeah
god damn it you can’t breathe through a fucking read
i tried breathing for a snorkel
a shitty one that i bought it like some convenience
store it’s terrible yeah not easy
it’s claustrophobic if you added
about another
foot and a half to snorkel be nearly
impossible just because of the heaviness of the air
oh really yeah that’s
what does it it’s the compression of the air even
under a little bit of
water like so i
guess 30 feet is an entire
atmosphere i believe
of pressure like it doubles your
whole atmosphere
so whatever varying degrees of that but that’s what
makes it so hard it’s because you’re sucking you know
heavier air
through that
that’s heavy
well it’s just hard breathing
through first of all it’s
hard through it too
and for the
longest time i used to have to only breathe through my
mouth because my nose was busted up
but i got my nose
fixed they opened it up
and now i could breathe through my nose and my
mouth i’m like oh
sweet oxygen
come to me and so when i’m in the
water with that shitty
scuba thing i was like this is fucking
gross just breathing only out of your
mouth again it’s
annoying you get
a bit claustrophobic
yeah good you get
a little claustrophobic and you also realize like how
you know how you need your nose to fucking breathe with
yeah like i have friends
that have not
had that operation the deviated septum operation
and they’re due to fucked up noses
i’m like bro get that shit
fixed man i’m telling you
and some guys are like well i’m just
gonna break it
again anyway like
fighters and i’m like so what
break it again anyway
trust me get it
fixed fix it
get it fixed now
because you
know you don’t realize how much
more you can
breathe out of your fucking nose when your nose works
you know you got like 30
more cardio that way
and you smell farts way better
i always knew when
brian was smoking this
motherfucker
tell us he quit smoking i’m like
bitch i smell cigarettes
damn you and your new nose
yeah i know it sucks
vegas was fun though we had a good goddamn time
that was the best time we ever had
that was the best audience we ever had in
vegas too for sure
right don’t you
think oh yeah
definitely it was great
but what was even better was ari and joey
diaz at the ufc
yeah that’s
right ari and joey
dropped acid at the ufc
and they kept on like saying they’re
gonna dose me the
whole weekend like you’re either
gonna take it
or i’m gonna dose
you and you’re not gonna know
about it so you chose
which one impression
that i didn’t want to yell it listen cocksucker
well now that we have
these we have
these puff shields
cause people are complaining
about our peas
what are they called pop shield pop
shields or something
fucking professional
folks this is we’ve reached the next
evolution of this fucking
thing i like to hide it behind them
but joey and ari
by the time we went to dinner
right after the
fights they were fucking
blasted just glassy eye
and what’s funny is
a couple of times ago ufcs ago
there was this time when
i think was one of the
first times i ever went to the usc with ari
and ari was like
dropping down on the ground he was being so emotional
about the whole thing
and he’s like oh by the way i
never told you this but that time i was on ecstasy
and i’m like well that makes sense whoa
whoa whoa what
ufc did you take
ecstasy it’s the one where
what’s his name
with the short
guy with the long hair yeah
his mom was sitting on one side on the ground crying
cause they were fighting
and then ari was on the other side on the ground going
like acting really weird
must have been and i thought
diego sanchez i can’t imagine
no click weta
click weta no
yeah but no it wasn’t that
fight cause that fight was at the palms
no no this was in vegas
and i remember it was in
vegas it was in
vegas was it the big arena no it was the small
arena oh so it wasn’t the palms because i can’t imagine
his mom crying
oh so must have been
that one yeah
so his mom’s
freaking out on one side and ari’s freaking out on the
other side and i always thought like wow i
never went to a usc with ari but man he’s really into a
ufc he’s like a 1940s
like he would sit there and be like yes like yes
like i was thinking like wow
you guys didn’t really go to very many at the palms i
might have been
one of the only ones you’ve ever went to there
right no i’ve been to
about five at the palms have you really yeah yeah yeah
oh was it the hard rock i’m confusing one yeah i’ve
never been to
the hard rock okay we used to do them at the hard rock
you know the palms is the best
place to see
it’s my favorite the best
place for the usa
there’s not a bad seat in the house no
it’s awesome and even though like the
first level it’s like perfect height you know
i fucking wish they were all at the palms the only
thing that sucks is that
well it’s awesome for the people that are in
the back that little back area like behind these like
most of the seats are facing one side of the octagon
and then there’s just some bleachers on the
other side of the octagon
which is like the dopest
seats ever which is
where they sit like
rock stars and shit
yeah you know but it’s like you know there’s
it’s only like how many thousands of seats four
four thousand it’s not much
it’s fucking incredible man it’s incredible
super intimate too
they do comedy shows
their cat williams does
comedy shows yeah
but so he was on
ecstasy at this
time yeah that time and so that explains it cause
ever since todd
duffy was in your way
and you wanted him to move and no one
could get him to move yeah
i think that was like
standing up
right in front of
brian seed screaming come on
get off the fence
yeah he’s one of
those guys that just
stood up the
whole fight
like you don’t
stand up the
whole fight if something
crazy happens sure everyone
stands up together kind of
thing even though that’s
annoying he
stood up the
whole fight in
front of me and i’m not
gonna say anything to the guy but that wasn’t the fight
this was one
where we were sitting like in the
front row almost like on
regular chairs okay so
you guys got the
sweet seats yes
sweet seats
but and so then i always thought ever
since then i’m like wow i
never knew ari
loved the ufc that much that’s really
crazy by the way
those seats on the
floor are not as good
right no one
above is the best yeah one
above is the
best and even like this last one we actually had
the second one
front roast but the
second tear
and it was perfect because
we just kind of
looked over
the whole ring
nothing was in the way no cameramen
were in the way
when they hit the ground you
could see the ground
so it was awesome the
floor is like the pimp spot
you know you’re like i’m on the
floor bitch
you know but it’s really not it’s like
it’s a good showy spot
deep in the
floor yeah right
front row floor
the only good
thing about the
floor is looking at jenna
jameson the
whole time no way
you know she brings will you in this
really fancy suit
anybody that does wear a lot
new ufc though
it’s a kick ass event
there’s nothing like it i mean
you think like you watch them on tv
but it’s different when you’re there like it is
just the colosseum
yeah it already texted me in the middle of it
in the middle of it
while he was on
acid he goes how is this not like rome in the colosseum
he texted me
while he was
blasting on acid
right and i thought it was an interesting text
you know i mean but we always
think this and we always say this i said
right word you
know that’s what i said
back to him
but then if i had
known and he was on acid
you should have said well by the way i’m
they want me to tell
they don’t want me to tell you
until i don’t know why but
they were like okay you can tell joe now
and so i probably
were worried
about the last half hour
yeah yeah joey
diaz and aris you fear run acid right now
enjoy your replay
yeah but it was
funny because the
whole time ari is like tears in his eyes
so emotional like
when the graphics
kinda how it
should be a little bit though
when the graphics
came on he was just like oh this is so good
great yeah and
i wouldn’t take it because to me i’ve done acid a
thousand times
but it’s like to me acid is nature
acid is being
with your friends camping acid is sitting on your couch
watching pink
floyd the wall
it’s not in a colosseum
with thousands of
crazy fucking people
mushrooms could be
but all day
i think mushrooms
could actually be better than acid because that’s
more of a transmutable
feeling like i
mean obviously the vikings
would take mushrooms to berserkers before they
would go into war
like you can really maneuver it around
the vikings were really into the amanita muscaria
that was their shit
so that was a
weird mushroom
man berserkers
would get all hopped up on that and were invincible
yeah that’s a
tricky ass mushroom to get
right apparently
i did it once and it was not good didn’t work
it gave me a
weird effect
but then we
mixed it up with
cubensis mushrooms and it was a blast off
yeah like somehow the two of them together just went
womp but the amanita muscaria
by itself very
tricky apparently
it varies not just genetically but geographically and
seasonally so it’s like you got to get the right
strain from the
right part of the
world like i
found some of my property in
colorado when i was up there
and i was like i’m not
gonna take this so probably not even
gonna be worth it
you know you
can acquire you can acquire
them really actually i know what it is it’s pretty
clear really
yeah there’s no
doubt when you’ve seen ambneed and mascara
you know what the fuck it is
big red cap looks like
santa claus
it is santa claus
don’t just go eating any red cat i like that
it’s so tempting when
you see like a mushroom in your backyard like one of
those big poofy ones you just
wanna cook it
it does look delicious right
yes you have a cow pasture back there yeah you better
know your shit son
yeah mushrooms only
good ones grow
out of cow shit
and there’s some that look very
close to psychedelic mushrooms that give you just
irreversible
liver damage
because some of them they
just fuck you
mushrooms are so weird man
like some of them are
super nutritious and
other ones will just fucking
crush you yeah
don’t do all kinds of
stuff like the reishi mushroom
gives you a lot of good energy
and stuff from it yeah it’s not
psychedelic and
just nutritional
health wise well
chaga the chaga mushrooms really good i
started taking that recently
i can imagine like if i was at
the greatest moment for me was
the rampage
chuck liddell build up
fight wasn’t obviously that good
but that moment in that ring was
fucking unreal
just the energy that was
built up just people
had someone they wanted to win for that
fight what’s the
biggest fight you ever seen
was that it
that was probably the that was probably the biggest i
would say i mean for me i mean i’ve seen i’ve seen some
yeah i’d have to say that was it people cared
about that one i think you’re gonna have to come well
you’re gonna have to come for brock lesnar
junior dos santos yeah that’s gonna be
chaos i saw brock beat
a ufc 100 who is that it was that mir
then yeah it was
mirror there’s a
man saw that
saw that one that was
big that was a good event but the next big one did not
think so magical as the
there’s a few big ones coming up man
you gotta go to that one now
brock and junito santos i don’t know when it’s
scheduled for its gsp next
he’s in toronto
he’s gonna be
fighting in
april against jake
shields that’s a good fucking
fight he wins that he gets anderson
right yeah good luck
what a prize
i would fucking
sweep on a banana peel on the way to the locker room
yeah i said
you i sent you that text the amazing
thing is like
i do i kick front kicks you know and i have a little
target little tag on my bag
and i can sometimes kick the k or whatever like that
in the letters
but the way his accuracy
in a fight where people are moving
and he wrapped all five toes
around vitor’s chin just perfectly
didn’t even sprain a toe doing a friday
never seen anybody get knocked out with a
front day before
after that a couple people sent me some
videos like this one from k1 max
some japanese guy landed a badass
front kick right through the jaw same
thing knocked
the dude out cold the guy fell back like he got shot
his was actually better than the vtor
one cause vtor wasn’t totally out
vtor was moving
still this guy just bam just fell back like
he got shot
front kick right to the jaw
it’s just so
hard to land on people the guy in k one max though he
threw a gang of them to the body
first he threw a
bunch of them to the
body over and over
again and then just shoved one up to
the face and caught the dude perfectly in the jaw and
knocked him
unconscious yeah
yeah i’d never
seen any in all the mma
fights that i called i’ve called over a thousand
fights i’ve
never seen a
front kick to the jaw knockout
usually when someone
front kicks someone in the face
they just knock
their head back yeah it’s kind of a yeah it’s like a
flat yeah the flat of
their foot he’s got some whip in that
in that that was a
front snap kick
that was karate
style push kicks are just kind of move someone back
whipped it up yeah it was
nasty well that’s
cause everybody does like the tie
style you know
which is like
it’s a teep
you know it’s like pushing a
guy off you and they’re really trying to regulate with
roundhouse kicks they’re trying to like get there
you get their distance
and push a guy off you yeah but like some guys will
throw the front ball kick the snap kick
like semi schilt semi shelf
fogs people up with that
thing he dropped
pete williams in the
ufc with it he stopped botter hari with it
that’s how he won the grand prix
he hit botter hard with a
front kick to the liver
he’s a giant too i mean semi shelters
legitimately a giant he’s
seven feet tall
you know so he curls those toes back and
sends that fucking gigantic log your way
that log he calls a foot yeah
yeah man there’s nothing quite like watching
fights there’s
nothing that really just caters to the chimpanzee
instinct more
you know a great game no matter how much you
enjoy it it’s
still just a game
you know the thrills are just not as high you know it
doesn’t matter if it’s hockey or baseball or
oh my goodness the ball you went over the park no
exactly yay i actually
have a whole
blog about that i mean it’s really
sport boiled down to its very roots i mean
we have those aspects and other
sports like you see
wayne wade dunk on somebody and it’s
fully like he dunks on him
and he’s in
his face and it’s like he dominant it’s like he
knocked yeah but then
anthony pettis does that showtime kick
where he kicks off the cage
but kicks ben henderson
the face of the
same foot it’s
still just an approximation of what we’re really
after which is
this primal
conflict in
dominance you know you have all
these balls and all
these rules and all
these things but it’s
still just men
exercising that primal instinct
to dominate
what i’ve always
said is that if you fucking root of it if
you know someone
if you slam dunk a ball on someone
they can always say well yeah well i can kick your ass
but no one gets
their ass kicked and goes yeah well i can
slam dunk a ball on you all
right nobody gives a fuck
doesn’t go the other way
that’s interesting isn’t it
it’s fucking just fucking
human nature and i
think why people are so attracted to it fastest growing
sport in the
world i don’t know if that’s
still an accurate
quote but it was
going around oh for sure
it’s not even a
close second you
wanna talk about the
it’s only been around in this country
in this form
since the 90s 93 was the
first one that had no rules
and then as
far as like sanctioning it’s just a few years
after that we
started getting sanctioned in athletic
commissions but yeah there’s not even a close
second yeah no
it makes perfect
sense because people
miss that aspect of life i mean
everything is so
watered down that
you don’t get to
exercise that
that kind of
physical component of our
psyche that
still those dna
those genes haven’t
changed in the last
100 200 years
where we’re not doing that anymore are go
about 10 000 yeah 10 000
we have the same genetic makeup as people
10 000 years
supposedly that’s
obviously that’s incredibly theoretical
until we go back in time
take a guy from 10 000 years ago and examine him
but from all accounts if he took a
guy from even 100 000 years ago and put him in natural
clothes or rather
normal clothes that we would wear
and put him in a
movie theater
that guy would just sit there you
wouldn’t even be able to distinguish him
until the movie
started playing then he
starts shit his fucking
pants demons
demons he’s
smearing shit over himself to make him less
attractive to the
monster in the screen
curling in the corner
knock knock fuck
yeah yeah but you know
that dna is
still in us of course
it’s the same hardware and
basically everybody
used to get a chance to exercise that like they
would go to war
like i was just
you know i was just talking to you
about socrates is a warrior you
think of this philosopher you
think about us
he was a badass just a killer
you know he
was one of the hoplites for the athenian army and
where did you read
about all this with
sakura so i
first learned
about it from stephen
pressfield’s book tides of war and then i did a
ton of research and put it all on my blog but just
a badass like some of the stories are crazy
like he was a
there was a retreat
coming from
a place called delium
and in this retreat
basically the athenians pushed forward and the flank
their flank
got weak on the left and
right side and then the other
general pogondus the
other general they were
fighting against the boetian general
who also invented the
flamethrower
which is pretty sweet
but anyway so
you outflanked them and then the athenians
you know the
flamethrower was around back then yeah
he invented the
flamethrower
later but anyway so
so on the retreat they have like a
three hour run back to delia
and socrates just stayed like
right at the
point like the very back of his men
and just fought
for three hours like
horses coming at him
just cutting
them down keeping people from running up the backs
and slashing at his own
athenian soldiers
i mean it was
still a bloodbath but he was like how
do we really know what happened that
could have been some gay
dude that socrates fucked real good who liked to tell
crazy stories
socrates was a big queen
right they’re all gay back then they
were people
full of shit man i don’t buy that
story you look like socrates might be
running like
a girl screaming
i have to write poetry alone
look at his mug though look at like the actual bust
of it the dude looks like a fuck but we don’t know we
don’t know what he really looks like we know drawings
well they sculpted them
those motherfuckers they
never accurate
lying cunts the
worst we assume
that back then they were honest that’s what’s hilarious
you know we assume i mean people are
completely full of shit today
why would we assume that they’d be honest dude
all this fucking
ronald reagan revisionist
history is driving me
crazy as an
adult who was an
adult during the reagan administration
reagan had something like 200 people
or more that were in his
cabinet and
were employed by him in the
white house connected to him
that wound up getting arrested
getting brought up on charges there’s some
ridiculous number
i mean george carlin had a routine on it
he had a whole routine on it
about find it
find george carlin
reagan’s gang
cause it’s like when you really like
go back and listen to it you like oh yeah that’s right
yeah they were all fucking crooks
they were all
crooks that figured out how to
manipulate the
moral majority and to go with the religious
right and get
religious people and
christians finally organized to vote for the presidency
that shit didn’t
exist before with nixon
and with carter and with ford
there wasn’t like a big
political movement with christians
that became a reality during the reagan administration
the reagan administration
was responsible for so much fucked up shit
so much fucked up shit man that people don’t
i mean even
stuff that people don’t
that don’t agree with
today like in
the conservative movement that support reagan
like negotiating with terrorists and all kinds of
other shit like
there’s a dude who called into the rush limbaugh show
and somebody put up
an article about it on
my website and
it was a really fucking
funny conversation
because this guy was
like really well versed in the history of ronald reagan
and so this guy
starts arguing with
with rush limbaugh
telling him about what
what reagan did
that reagan raised
taxes on social security
that reagan negotiated with terrorists
sending over and over
again arms to iran and exchange for hostages
performed by contrast
jimmy carter didn’t give an inch to the iranians
which is why we
could never get
the hostages
as soon as reagan got into office that
literally right away
the terrorists from iran were released
why is that why is that
because they gave them something they had to give them
something they had to negotiate with terrorists to get
these people back
is it worth it to get the people back yeah
but i guarantee you part of the
agreement was
don’t let them back
until we’re in office it’s not really
about them being free it’s
about it looking good for us
guarantee you male
joe we just live all hate
north did you get the thing
about reagan
it’s 12 minutes long no we’re not
gonna listen
to all of it but just play it a little bit because
george carlin
fucking nailed it and this is back in you know i
think he did this
shit it’s probably like the 90s
early early 90s
like right after reagan had been how i really
haven’t seen this many people in one place
since they took the group
photographs of all the criminals and law
breakers in the ronald reagan administration
yeah charge column was the shit
two hundred and twenty five of them fuck
two twenty five different people
in the ronald reagan administration have either quit
been fired been arrested indicted or convicted
of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code
two hundred and
twenty five of them what do you think the total number
is it brings me so low
how many they
haven’t gotten
busted so long has been investigated by
three separate special prosecutors and there’s
a fourth one waiting for him in washington right now
three separate special
prosecutors have had to look into the activities
of the attorney general
and the attorney general
was the nation’s leading law enforcement officer
you can kill it
right there
see that’s what you got
that’s crazy
what the fuck man
what the fuck and everybody’s
like ronald reagan was an amazing man it’s like
we have this
image of him just like our grandpa that you know was a
drunk and used to beat the fuck out of your
grandma and just kind of forget it when get
older it’s like grandpa was
he’s a good guy
i remember thinking i
loved ronald reagan growing up just because the
eighties kind
of embraced ronald reagan and there was like artwork
and you know just like shows
about ronald reagan and then we’re like wow
ronald reagan likes
jelly beans that’s so cool you know yeah
jimmy carter had peanuts but
it’s like well
doesn’t that
show that ronald reagan’s unhealthy and bad for america
yeah man i don’t know
the whole thing is very interesting it’s very
interesting how we like to look back in the past with
rosy vision
if you wanna get really
baked sometime
and go to the ronald reagan
museum down
the i did that
i did that the other
like a couple
years ago it’s over here like in calabasas
somewhere it is yeah it’s fucking huge
and the whole
thing is just ronald and nancy
like it go in
these little
movie theaters and just plays like
videos with them in it
we have air
force one there you can go and see
like where ronald reagan
like his plane
and like on this desk there’s like
jelly beans it’s so gay
but it’s crazy it’s too much reagan though
after a while you’re just like alright
i’ve had too much reagan i can’t take this anymore
the only thing that i really liked
about reagan when he was in office was when he
started talking
about aliens
one of the things he talked
about with russia
like how much we
would all forget
our differences if we were been attacked by
aliens from another planet
i was like oh shit what does he know yeah yeah yeah and
he didn’t do it in just one
speech he did it in a couple of
speeches the same sort of little hints
well i don’t know
is it little hints or is he just fucking
is it just someone
wrote something cool i mean it’s not like reagan
wrote that shit it’s no more than
you know some
charlie sheen
writes his dialogue for two and a half men
i mean it’s
basically the same job
you know reagan didn’t
write all that
stuff somebody else wrote that
maybe there’s just some cool ass fucking
speech writer
it’s like let’s just
freak these
motherfuckers
out some alien talk
you know everybody’s a little
freaked out
about russia how we
gonna bring them down i don’t know man i
mean we’re worried
about the bomb
look you know the bombs not
gonna land i know the bombs not
gonna land but we can’t tell
about how we’re really in cahoots with russia
to keep the world down
so what do you want to do
how about we
bring up how
about we just are
freaking people the fuck out talking about
aliens from another planet
and how much we
would come together i like it
done i like it
did you see the
video of the ufo over jerusalem
it’s fake it didn’t is it fake yeah
who made it i
saw you making
you talking
about the one there’s two camera angles
i didn’t i only saw one yeah
where the ones like
just sits there and then go straight up yeah yeah it’s
completely fake
and what’s crazy is
i showed it to allison and rocks that was
on the podcast
and immediately she saw
it and she goes that’s fake that’s actually a tool in
whatever it was like adobe
premiere or something like that oh that’s hilarious
like 3d something like that she’s like i
could show you how it’s a
bummer when people fake this shit
cause then everybody thinks
every fucking
video is fake and
there is a lot of fakes
so don’t get me
wrong but there’s some
videos that are
legit footage of shit that happened
cause there’s thousands of people who
saw it on the ground like some of that mexico city shit
that’s not fake
i showed joe a video the
other day that i wanted to see what he thought
about it because i thought it was fake
it’s about this
hamster that was just
fighting and no
joe still doesn’t
think it’s fake
i still think
it’s fake and then i was talking to ari
about it and i was like why do i
think that video is fake
and then i realized
did you notice the stomach of it was
pitch black
like it was just like
all black of the stomach tuna
listen to me you’re
thinking too much i
know but i’m
thinking like real
people don’t know what the fuck you’re talking
about there’s a
video online what is it called
angry hamster
hamster fighting or
angry hamster
well anyway the
video is these guys are fucking with this
hamster and the
hamster gets
crazy on them and
tried to bite them
and then eventually like that
eddie murphy
movie no no no
that’s a professor
i think anyway
it’s a fucking
scared little animal that’s biting people
it’s real it’s a hundred percent real
hamster of doom
forget about
that um so um
so tell me what
are your thoughts on on ufo so what shit do you
think that you saw that you
think that was like
well legitimately question i mean i
think some of those
i think in every
major country
particularly i think
actually back even farther
into history there’s been
paintings of ufos and different
things people all the way back to caves and
other different biblical
sightings of
of things appearing over battlefields and
crazy shit like
that and you can take all that history with
some footage that we have now some reports from just
super sober
pilots just dudes that are like look
i don’t really like that i saw this i fucking hate it
i’m not trying to get anything out
of this but this is what happened we chased this thing
it was doing
crazy stuff
no way we could catch it
our machines shut off and we had to return to base like
i saw it you
know whatever
and they’re not trying to gain anything out of it and
those i think
those are really credible
whereas a lot of
these other people who are trying
i am the ufo
seer you know like talk
to me about it
those are fucking quacks
but so many just sober gritty people just talking
about it yeah the very first
explanation or the very
first depiction the flying
saucer depiction
was from a pilot was from
you know a military
pilot who was
watching these
things skip across the sky i forget the dude’s name
but i should probably
give him credit
for it because it’s kind of an interesting thing
to come up with and he said it seemed like saucers
skipping across a lake yeah yeah
i’m not opposed to the idea of there being
some visitors from somewhere else whether it’s from
here that we can’t see you know some a dimension nearby
whether it’s
from another planet i’m not opposed to that
but what i am opposed to is all
these people that have the explanation for it like so
quickly and all
these people that are
looking for
proof of aliens
they’re getting
crazy and like do you ever
watch that ancient
aliens show
no i haven’t but i know what
you’re talking
about you gotta
watch it it’s the most
ridiculous shit ever
like 80 of the
stuff they say
you’re just like what the fuck are you talking about
like why are you coming to this
conclusion it’s like the most unscientific
conclusion ever just
random like
they’ll find some ancient
stone structures that are like
these giant
stones like in peru whether it’s really amazing how
perfectly these
stones are fitted
to the stones
below them and there are hundreds of tons i mean
enormous structures
and they go this
there’s only one
one way this
could have happened
it had to have been
help from another planet and people
just makes me think
i wonder if they had help from another planet
or maybe people
have been around a lot fucking longer than you think
and we know
for sure there’s
been some massive cataclysmic disasters
just during recorded history we know
we know there’s been some big ones in
the near distant past
some mass extinctions
that killed the dinosaurs that fucking changed a
bunch of shit in the climate many many many times over
wouldn’t you just assume that people been around
isn’t that like
the number one
thing you would go to we know people are real
we know people invent some
crazy shit we know disasters happen
maybe people figured out how to make some
crazy shit and the
disaster happened and then they forgot how to make that
crazy shit well a few stragglers made it out
taught a few
things yeah man
i mean these
things that
they have in peru though man it’s fucking fascinating
just really
enormous fucking stones
and they had a discovery recently in
turkey let me find this real
quick because
it predates
archaeological
construction
like rather
the oldest construction the oldest
like real modern
stone carving but
fucking some insane number like five or
six thousand years
so like what
they thought was like the beginnings the dawns of
civilization back in mesopotamia you
know 6 000 years ago
this predates that by another 6 000
massive fucking
stone structure
tons and tons of
stone moved
what the fuck is this
yeah you know
yeah and then
you know the stories of the atlantean
culture obviously there’s a lot of bs surrounding that
right but what does it mean yeah
there’s a pretty good chance that there was an advanced
civilization that got wiped out
you know by either
earthquake or
meteor or something just took them out
yeah fucking for sure man 11
500 years ago this
thing was built
7 000 years before what they
think was the
great pyramid more than 6 000 years before
stonehenge and they
built this gigantic fucking
thing in turkey
and there’s another
story recently
about this guy from australia
who started
looking all throughout
saudi arabia with google maps
google earth
and you know google earth will
bring you if i can
literally zoom
you in on the surface of the entire middle east this
motherfucker
found like 1700
archaeological
discoveries and sites
like there’s all this ancient shit while
these guys are it was
one guy was up
i thought i thought it was just the this the
whole gang of people
found that that’s the
total number oh
really yeah it’s not one guy person no no
no it’s just it’s the it’s the
total number of people sense
google maps
okay well i
might have misread it but the one guy
who did do it had a friend in
saudi arabia
who the story is
based on he’s an
australian guy but he had a friend in
saudi arabia
so he would give the guy the coordinates
and then the guy
would go there and take
photos of the actual area
and then they
would send it to
experts and
they’d be like yeah that’s some fucking shit
right there that’s
crazy that’s
crazy that’s
crazy meanwhile
these assholes are
throwing rocks at each
other screaming
about my rules
not my rules
yeah they’re
fighting over nonsense over
there when they’re in the middle of this incredible
archaeological
treasure trove people 12 000 years ago
would pimp slap you for being an
idiot and they’re in the same
place that’s pretty
are you telling there that you’re not
going the right way
not the right way
need to change directions yeah what’s
gonna happen with
egypt now with
egypt i heard the
museums got looted
really yeah cairo is just fucking
chaos man i
mean they have some
incredible archaeological
discoveries
that they have stored there i mean who knows what’s
still there what they’ve been able to protect but
apparently it’s so bad that
no one can even get
an audit of what’s happened and what hasn’t happened
we’re watching
a dictatorship fall before our eyes
and here’s the
thing to consider and this is the
thing that no one’s
gonna tell you
when you’re
watching all this go down
and you know the united
states is like you know
we need you know
mubarak should step down immediately and
who’s behind this
did you guys do this
like i see that you know like i see
obama on tv talking about it and i see
and i’m like who
when i was younger i would say well
here’s a group of people that are raising up against
their tyrant leader
this guy is obviously a
dictator and he needs to be removed
but he’s been our
ally in that area for a long ass time okay
why is it that all of a sudden people are rising
against him why is it
who’s organizing all this he’s the cia involved
there wasn’t
there a recent election or something wasn’t there
like that sure
i mean that’s been
a bunch of them in the past
it’s hard to get people to move
like this it’s hard to get people to really rise up
i mean for sure they are pissed off
for sure they have had enough of this fucking douchebag
you know wanting to run
things in their fucking
crazy country
but what people are really afraid of is that sharia law
you know that 64
of egyptians want to be governed by sharia law
they want to be governed by
islamic law
so it’s like man
having this guy out is not good it’s like
it is good for the
egyptian people because they get
their own choice but
but the egyptian
people even though some of them are progressive
and many of them
in iran and iran
a big percentage
of the people don’t want anything to do with the way
iran is being perceived by the western
world they don’t
wanna have anything to do with religious
fundamentalism or the craziness that has
always been associated with iran they’re
young people
they listen to fucking
music and they like art and they
wanna get the fuck out of this terrible situation
but they’re
stuck and i
think there’s a lot of those
types of people in egypt too
it’s just like america man
even if there’s 50
of the people that
believe that
we need science
and stem cell research is good there’s another 50
to believe they saw fucking the
devil and their
cheerios and they want to fucking
shoot it with a gun
you know we
got a real problem like that i
think the only way to
you know been
asked this question before and i
think the best solution i have is just
you gotta set up like
drop internet over to em
you know like if people get knowledge and like
see outside of
their box that’s the only
thing that’s
gonna change their mind
right you know like put in
like paid for
broadband stations in like
closed off areas so people can go in there log in and
check some shit out
well it’s interesting
how you said that because that was the first
thing that they did
in egypt when they wanted
to stop the resistance they shut off the internet
that’s what
egypt did they shut off the internet
is this still off by the way i don’t know
i don’t know how much
of it was off i don’t know if they were able to jury
rig it and get it back on i don’t even know what it is
to be honest
with you they
start talking to me
about the internet
gumball i don’t even
understand what the tubes
and pipes and how do you shut it off is there a main
switch somewhere
did you blow some shit up did you cut the cord
did we run a
cord through the bottom of the
ocean all the
way to america how the fuck does it get over here
how does it get over here is there a
cord that goes from
under europe
under the water
is that real i
think there is that’s
ridiculous how
retro yeah i
think there is so
i think there’s
a okay well how the fuck do they connect with each
other there’s telephone lines
how do they connect with each
other how does
we don’t know
i’m pretty sure i would get
bounced by satellites
what but not in the 70s there’s no
satellites i don’t
think there’s satellites
there’s no internet i
think i think
no i’m saying but the internet
goes through telephone lines and like that kind of
wiring right you used to be able to call england
from the 70s how the fuck
could you do that
back in the
seventies you
could call england
the ocean so fucking deep so what i do put it on
my floaters
yeah what is do
ships run into it and cut the
cord you gonna
redo it just
whales just hit it like
hey i might be talking
about my ass so
maybe i’m just
thinking of that episode of loss
might be talking
about your ass but you
might not be
but i mean how the fuck
could we call england
well you know what let’s let’s get
a cowboys let’s get a
direct answer from twitter
you know i’m
gonna i’m gonna ask the
folks on twitter please tell me
how the fuck
were you able to make
phone calls to europe
back in the 70s how the fuck was there a chord
that went all the way through the goddamn
ocean all the way to germany and shit i feel
like i remember seeing
a documentary how they did it or something like that
and i could be just farting around please twitter
answer answer me i saw twitter’s like the
magic eight ball yeah
it’s all irreversible
by the way the same guy that did intercoid
bingo charge 5 photo says
there is a large
fiber optic line in the
ocean okay here’s the question though
what the fuck man
what happened back when there was no
fiber optics right
what did they do
back in the 70s what did they do in the 50s how do they
i mean the ocean
is so deep like it can’t be on the bottom
there’s so much fucking
table that would
happen you know
what it’s probably so
there’s like chasms and abysses that run
through there
right do you
think there’s a line and like dudes are on like fucking
submarines and they see it coming like shit we’re
gonna hit the phone line
you get closed line together you dick
heads you killed the
phones in new york man
this guy says there’s
cables there’s a
transatlantic
cable wow there was
even back then there’s a
transatlantic
cable and the dude
tobang just sent me a wiki link fuck yeah man holy shit
there’s a goddamn
cable that’s laid across the
floor of the atlantic ocean
it crossed the telegraphic field
whoa that’s pretty dope
so this is fascinating shit man
so what what the fuck is it with cell
phones then
is that is a
piggyback on
those lines and
satellites i’m putting in my
satellite for cell
phones yeah how’s that work yeah i
think cell phones uses
satellites now it does yeah so if you connect from
from one australia
to the other
day i’m pretty sure uses satellites
does that make sense
yeah that’s what my god i said that last time and i
what say you twitter
what say you twitter please answer us
it’s like magic
eight ball bro this is the most of me
there’s never been a time in life
where you could ask people questions like this
and it’s not even on
radio shows you can pick callers
no you get the text answers shit
this guy saying
they sent letters by boat
that’s a girl that’s a
stupid answer
shut your mouth you didn’t
think that shit through it all
they sent letters by boat we’re not talking
about the fifteen hundreds hooker
on boat okay
monkey todd says it was
wire it was copper wire
originally but what
about what they’re doing
right now i mean how the fuck is it work
right now when you’re sending
you know when you’re sending a cell phone
message or calling someone how’s that work
as of 2004 there’s been
underwater cables huh
yeah cell phones use
radio signals
yes on earth
but radio doesn’t go across the ocean cunt
you don’t even
know what the fuck you’re saying god damn it
unless it taps into the same lines that
yeah i would imagine
i don’t know
it has to use
satellites nowadays
but why there’s a
delay in the
satellites it’s got to go way the fuck up
the sky now because then if that was true there’d be no
satellite gaming
you know cell
phones use regular
phone lines
apparently this guy saying
these are the
piggybacks somehow on regular
phone lines
you know what’s kind of fucked up
it’s just like we were talking about
when your website gets a lot of hits
and it correct by the way warrior poet is
crushed son
bummer that shit ain’t coming back
your fucking server just took a deep six
i wonder if your business website’s crushed
but it’s the same way with
with cell phone signals if
there’s an earthquake or some shit everybody
tries to use
their phone good luck
good luck you won’t be able to use it
cause everybody can’t use the
phone at one stadium
yeah it’s like they’re
under stocked like they’re selling you cell
phone service
and they’re selling it to
everybody but the only way it works is that everybody
doesn’t use it at the same time
cause if everybody uses it at the same time
nobody gets to use it it just shits out and just shits
out and just fucking farts and dies
that’s annoying man that is
annoying that’s
annoying it’s like we’re too far
ahead of ourselves
you know when it comes to technology
we’re too far out there
we’re fucking
look this graph on your message
board of all the underwater
cables have you see did you see that whoa
that’s dope that’s
a lot and that’s that’s
my goddamn message board
still private
we have to fix that shit
it was getting
crushed so much it’s
still private enough to
i had to make it
where you only a member
could look on it so you have to sign up for
it here’s a
video here that says there’s been
150 years of trans
transatlantic
cable wow hundred and
fifty hundred
fifty years that’s insane
how the fuck did they do that they go up higher through
like they’re
float on algae
northern part of cannon and then over through
an area or if they’re just straight looks like it comes
right out of new york is what
it looks like
that’s incredible it is
it’s incredible that’s
150 years of
monster cables
to how long did it take to make
those fucking cables
jesus christ
how long is it to get to if you
take a boat from new york to england how long is that
how many miles
thousands of
miles like fifteen hundred
miles so it’s one
cable that’s thousands of miles long
what the fuck you
carry that thing
on fifteen hundred no yeah it’s like
three thousand
yeah six hours
or thousands
planes go what five hundred
miles an hour
you know so what the fuck do you
carry that with what do you
carry that cable with you know
just had to be boats getting supplies and
metal and then just try i just don’t
understand how they
avoided the chasms in the
water like oh shit
like here’s you know when you’re
you know fishing in the
thing just keeps
going down hit a deep part of lake
or deep parts of the
ocean or like
ten thousand feet yeah
you know abyss type
stuff and why
why haven’t terrace
try to attack that cable
you know that
oh shut the fuck up
brian brian
you brainstorm informed listen
these dumb cunts are living in
fucking rock
houses in the middle of the mountains
banging goats and shit
do you think they could
think this through
we’re gonna
go in the ocean and cut the
cable we are
going to kill farmville
we got it we
gotta get them online
that’s the bottom we
gotta get everybody well
you know what you
gotta do here’s the deal it’s not just get
them online they have to be around cool people they’re
around douchebags everyone around them is a douchebag
i mean especially
in the middle east the middle east is just
chaos middle east are the townies of the world
that’s the cradle of
civilization that’s
where it all started
and that’s why
they’re so behind the times i mean
the reason they’re behind the times and the reason why
america is supposedly
the most progressive or the most advanced at
least culturally
of all the other
countries the reason is because we’re the last one
we’re the one
where everybody fled to
and the first one
which is you know the middle east mesopotamia
where iraq is that’s the
worst that’s
where it’s the most fucked up
that’s sharia law that’s
muslims versus
muslims that’s you know
chaos that’s
all those fucking dudes wearing
robes circling around you know the hajj
at the mosque and
in saudi arabia or whatever it is the mecca i mean
that’s all the same shit that’s all just that’s
stuff that’s been around too long you know
you know i was saying when we
watched that
there was a tv show when i was in germany
and it’s a 24 hour
mecca station
and it just 24
hours that’s all it shows is people circling
the box in mecca
circling that big square
building it’s
crazy it’s fucking but i was like if that shit happened
today okay if this is a new cult
some new scientology type
thing and everybody’s wearing
robes and their circle in that box we’d be like whoa
we gotta stop
these motherfuckers that is
scary if that way
could you imagine
if that was in america let’s say that was in kansas
and there was you saw
brian gumble
disturbing footage
today out of
kansas we’re
gonna go live here
now granted
ladies and gentlemen let’s be
aware of this
this dangerous cult has only been around for five years
but look how much they’ve organized in
these five years
and then they showed people circling around
those boxes
dude there’d be
helicopters flying towards that area
right now tanks
would be moving down the highway well
check this out what if we what if we created a cult
that would drink the
blood of their hero
every week figuratively
if it was megan fox
well but that’s what’s happening
you go to catholic mass it’s like here’s the
blood here’s the
flesh drink the
blood eat the flesh
i mean that’s you look at that that’s pagan
that is pagan
stop deep right there but all but it because it’s
oh it’s christianity it’s catholic like
we have a weird
thing that we just get used to shit yeah no matter how
wacky it is
you know it’s like
these these
broads in africa with these
plates in their lips
you know yeah
africa’s another
place where they need some
information like
especially in the maasai
cultures and
stuff where they’re getting their
clits cut off with
sharp stones
directed me out there
like they need to by the way they do a lot of they need
to see like hannah montana
yeah they are
twitter addresses
just fucking
bouncing around singing oh
whatever the some have
been lot of needs to
check in at four square at the
applebee so we can fuck
them up you know they they all need that shit
well they already fucked him up man
do you think that guy’s alive
i have no idea if he’s even real
he’s probably in a fucking london hotel somewhere
with a gang of boys sucking his dick
he probably just said listen we’re not gonna kill you
we’re gonna keep you alive
you keep making tape
every couple years i need you
i need you to come out with some new
scary shit so we can you
know take away more civil liberties do you
think the last time that there was real evil and in a
in a war that we fought was world war two
do you do you
yeah well i know i think there’s real evil and
islamic fundamentalism and islamic terrorism i
think there’s definitely real evil i think
the problem is unfortunately a lot of that real evil
has been caused by our manipulation right our being
in religious holy grounds
and desecrating those grounds our involvement with
and support of dictators in the islamic world
and you know some people say like guys like haas
mubarak like we need that guy around to keep the
you know the islamic fundamentalists from gaining power
like at least he’s more moderate and even though he’s a
dictator it’s the better of two evils
yeah i don’t
know man i’m not well versed enough to be realistically
you know to be honest
about it you
know i mean if you really step back and said you really
understand how
things work in the middle east no
fuck no i don’t that’s another world
it’s another
world man i remember
going to abu dhabi and it becomes very aware
you know when we did a
ufc in abu dhabi
like yo this is another
world you know
don’t get stupid
don’t get mouthy at the airport
you know they’ll put you in a box son
you know you better be polite
and you better realize that your laws are you know
these laws rather very different than your
so out of balance i think
part of it is
these patriarchal paternalistic religions
they just shift
everything way out of balance
like there used
to be the balance of the sacred
feminine and the
masculine but
these desert religions are just shit on the feminine
and it’s all about
men you know control the
women bind the
women hide the
women do you
think that’s because they don’t have much
like water and
resources and natural yeah i mean then all of a
sudden they’ve got this
new resource over the last couple hundred years oil
you know that’s really kind of a
i mean how long has it
even been has it even been a couple hundred years that
we’ve been getting oil from the middle east
but whatever it’s been
you look at
photos of dubai from 1970 as opposed to today
back then there was like nothing
going on there now it’s
fucking immense
yeah sure why
consumption has risen so dramatically yeah
so it’s like
they were always in
this terrible situation there were very few resources
you know natural resources at
least certain you
know not much water
you know kind of a fucked up area
and now all of a
sudden it’s just
bounty county
money and mercedes and
everywhere you
look is ferraris and mercedes and ferrari
dude we were in abu dhabi
bugattis you
never seen you
never seen so many fucking bentleys and
and rolls royces yeah
oh there’s some
some big pimping
going on up in this desert
there’s an article recently
where they were talking
about how they’ve
they’re admitting that they’re making it rain
in abu dhabi that they made it rain
52 times this year
throwing money in the air oh
what if that what what you actually read
you know what i mean like no they just make
it rain on the
photos they
photos of these guys in their traditional garb
outside with umbrellas you know
standing in front of a bentley by the way one of the
photos it’s hilarious
dudes in front of a bentley with fucking his crazy arab
outfit on holding an umbrella up
i almost bought you one of
those outfits by the way they
gave me one when i was there i just never
had to move my luggage
to bring it back with me unfortunately
yeah i’d pack
just to the
point where i just got it just enough to get through
you know i don’t have no room
to be bringing shit back with me
that’s my latest
thing i don’t check bags i just
bring a carry on
i try to even when it’s like a
three or four day trip i just try to get as little
clothes in there as possible
and i’m like look everywhere you can buy underwear
everywhere you can buy
socks right
how do i cut this down to the minimum why not why
cause when you’re waiting in line at the fuckin
the baggage
thing and wondering if your shit’s ever
gonna come out and like nah that’s my favorite
shirt and fuck now i can’t get it
now i gotta go buy
toothpaste it’s not the baggage fee sorry
you got me you got me i’m traveling across the
world trying to save 10 bucks
fucking baggy
anything else before we get out of here
flashlight pretty much over right
what time is it 5 17
we’re two hours in
we’re at two hours in like 15 minutes
well thank you everybody for
tuning in and thank you very much for
the questions
that were answered on twitter
satellites are used to
transfer data overseas and the internet is back on in
egypt so says
satellite mr
monkey man 81818
why is there so many
monkey people on my
is that a coincidence
oh if you were looking for higher primate
shirts higher
primate com my
clothing line
we got we sold out
like way quicker than i thought we’re
going to and that’s why unfortunately a lot of the the
designs have not been in stock
but we’re restocking them and i got a
bunch of new dope ones they’re fucking killer
i got to show you some new ones that we got crazy shit
this weekend
we’re gonna be a
south comedy hole
in la next weekend the brea
improv that’s i believe that’s friday
saturday and
sunday yeah i
think it’s friday saturday
sunday two shows friday two shows saturday one show
sunday is that what it is
believe so i’ll tell you
right now yes you are correct
and is right before washington’s birthday which is
monday we should we
should all celebrate together yeah
the last he was a badass
great president
with his wooden teeth
growing weed and banging slaves
he was about yeah
slaves didn’t he yeah
crazy world we live in
folks probably
huh probably had kids with you think
so they all did didn’t they y’all shot loads
did you think
wives get pissed off see
these mocha
babies wandering around their yard
motherfucker different
f you married to george
washington martha was like my fucking husband really
just kept her fucking
mouth shut you
think he was banging betsy ross
i bet he fucked betsy ross to that’s what you
got that flag gig
you know come on man who the fuck bets you up
where’s mr ross you don’t even hear shit
about mr ross right
because george washington is laying that fucking dick
so that’s next weekend
is brea improv
tickets will sell out i hope so get on
that’s it flashlight com
if you go to joe rogan net and
click on the link and put in the word rogan you get 15
off and we’ll be back on thursday at 3 00 with jean
leshua is that how you say his name is
you know i don’t know from the league
and he’s from all those hilarious internet cool
white kid or plus
white kid or something like that and
average ordinary guy
and that’s what i’m so high he’s got a bunch of
weed ones anyway very cool guy very
funny guy and he’ll be on
thursday thank you very much to chris yes
thanks marcus if you go to chris’s website
when when the podcast is over don’t
worry it’s fucking dead dude i tried to refresh again
we will be resurrect
shit what’s your business website again on it com and
oh what’s up i got on socrates
would kick your ass and we saw she
would paint a nude of your
girlfriend that’s a new blog you just my
latest blog nice socrates was
probably the most
underrated philosopher i think in
in that time period
really you just look at his
work he’s underrated though fuck as a philosopher
really as a warrior he’s he’s
you know louded
like everybody
knows he was badass i mean he carved an ore
and a card to
staff out of an ore and beat the
demon of the
western provinces like people know that but
i don’t think he’s any
you know you have
out of an or what’s an or
like a like a row like a
oh an or to robo
so he carved a
stand here that’s one of
more beat the shit
out somebody
was yeah he was
going to fight the
demon in the western provinces
that memory
some dude but yeah
he had a reputation some killer
basically you know out there he was a
guy was a samurai
is that what you say yeah that’s the samurais
would fight each
other right
but socrates you’re talking
about no no i was talking
about musashi
okay you i think
you said socrates did i yeah
we baffled the fuck out
confused i was because i was like
just the opposite
everybody knew that musashi was a warrior
for sure that’s what i think
socrates was a warrior too
yeah i definitely
think that musashi was one of the most
underrated philosophers that’s
where this whole
tattoo came from man this is
musashi and it’s
based on that one quote that
stuck with me my
whole life that i read when i was i
think like 17
that once you
understand the way
broadly you see it in all
things yeah
exactly and i
think one of the most done and also he’s a
great artist too i
mean you know
people don’t know
about that they just know that he kicked ass
well what people don’t
understand is that that was the samurai
way is that you were to be balanced and it wasn’t
you weren’t just a thug
out there killing people but to be a
great samurai to be so well versed that you
could kill men in one on one hand to hand combat
which he did
over 64 times killed people in duels
that he had to be
completely balanced
he believed that you had to be
great at calligraphy you had to be
great at art you had to be
great at poetry
you had to have this incredible the
same principles that made him
great at swordplay
could make you
great at anything
and implied
him and the same
principles that made you
lazy or fucked you up or gave you a shitty character
would cost you your life in battle
which is so true man
and martial artists are
starting to realize that too is that
any negative
energy that you take any thugish douchey bullshit
you have to account
for that in your own assessment of who you are as a
human being
you know and
to be truly zen
you have to really have all your bases
covered to be
truly in the moment and
truly great at anything
you gotta be balanced
in all areas
right that’s the key and
folks out there are too rare
you gotta surround
yourself with positive fucking people okay and
the best way to do this the only way to do this is you
gotta become positive
yourself i know it’s difficult it’s not easy yoga sucks
there’s a lot of
chicks farting in that
class but you
gotta go you
gotta go to yoga
class you gotta read
things you gotta eat healthy
you gotta exercise you
gotta get your mind
right read books
get up early and run even though
you don’t want to alright do chin ups before you eat
breakfast do something get your shit together bitches
and if you get your shit together you will attract
other people who also have
their shit together
that is how i became friends with chris
we have attracted each
other okay that’s how
brian came here from
fucking ohio
right brian yeah
that’s right okay
folks it’s fucking show is over god damn it
i’m trying to give you a pep talk and i put myself to
sleep um this weekend like i said
sal’s comedy hole next weekend brea improv
chris marcus
thank you very much for being here my friend
thanks brother
and warrior poet
us is his website
redband com
redband com
we love you bitches we always will
thanks to everybody that came out in
vegas this weekend we had a
great fucking time i love you see ya bye