Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Eddie Ifft.

Transcript

the mp3 and urban

that’s not it

what is that other thing that you have saved there

john mayer that’s john mayer what is it

john mayer won’t sue us he likes us you could play

i’m gonna start from scratch why because the

mp3 recorder was is not okay ready go

do you open your show with your body is wonderland

yes my body is wonderland bro

don’t hate the joe rogan experience

take three

folks this is a fucking ghetto podcast all

right this is how we rock it

ladies and gentlemen

the one and only

eddie f just join us

ladies and gentlemen

please give it up for eddie f that’s

ifft you can find him on twitter he’s a hilarious

stand up comedian and a good pal of mine

and we are sponsored by the

flashlight before we go any further

go to joe rogan

net click the link

and type in the name rogan and you get 15

off it’s fucking

a fabulous masturbation

tool mr if i know you’re not into

those things

you’re a wholesome gentleman you’re not you’re not

the type of boy

and go dry you go dry

i go dry too dry

i feel like when i put lube in my hand

that i’m really

committing to beating off and it’s like what’s

wrong with me

i can’t even do dry

dry i feel like

i can just get in and get out when i need to

yeah but when i do the

flashlight you have to use lube

with a flesh like do they have like

celebrity vaginas and

stuff yes of

course they do yeah that’s

great they’ve thought of it all

they have alien vaginas like

blue ones look like avatar bitches

but it’s not avatar of course it’s

alien because if it was avatar they’d have to pay

i hung out with the

flashlight guy last

night had a

great time so

chuck lidell was cool

yeah if he’s in town

next week we’re

gonna get him

he doesn’t work for

flashlight anymore he quit

he opened up his own company yeah that’s

right do they have any

really really obscure

like people like obscure

porn stars i’m sure

they do weird i

haven’t looked through the catalog

that you can like

yeah even though i’m a part of

the company i have not looked through the catalog that

you know like i was i was

flesh lighting with roseanne bars vagina

oh god i bet she

would do it roseanne

would probably do it

but rosie o’donnell

might do it too

but there’s a lot of

lesbians that

would do it just to

someone’s out there

using their vagina properly

with rosie’s you’d have to take two

flashlights and just rub them together

that’s right you man

um eddie if there’s also on a podcast

called you guys called talking shit is that

talking shit with jim jeffries and

jim jeffries and eddie if and

recently you guys got fucked because i guess you swore

in your itunes yeah just our title

like we had a

title for the episode

we had one title once that was called

i guess i’m gonna have to eat this dude’s cunt

was one of them

where a guy named brian mccarthy told us a

story about how he fucked a a post op

transsexual

and he was telling the

story about how she told him she used to be a dude

before he fucked her before he fucked her but he said

he was already like so into it that he was like all

right and they’re having a

threesome with her in the dudes getting a blowjob

and he’s like

i’m looking at the back and he goes and i realize

i guess i’m

gonna have to eat this dude’s cunt

oh and so we

titled it that

and so he did

yeah he did well

it’s our episode

three we still

think it’s our funniest

what is this guy’s name

again brian mccarthy he actually lives

right out here he’s crying

mccarthy is he a comic

sort of he hosts all these

things he’s got a show on

national lampoon

radio he’s the funniest

if he came in a room with a

bunch of comics

every comic

would go that’s

the funniest guy in the really fucking wait a

minute okay

would have joey diaz in that room

i’m telling you you can’t tell me there’s a guy

alive it’s funny than joe it

sounds like a challenge joey it’s

not like nonsense

joey diaz would

would find this guy really

funny really

he’s fucking

weird there’s no way to explain i mean

i believe you but i don’t believe he’s funnier than

joey diaz i don’t

think that’s possible he’s like this fat guy that

he’s got a wife and kids normal life but he directs

porn on the side and

he wears pink polo

shirts and like

white bucks and

he’s got like this

secret life that he leads and

maybe you shouldn’t be talking

about it on the podcast on our podcast he told a

story about

smuggling weed from jamaica

in boomboxes and getting

arrested and having to go to jail for two and a half

months in jamaica

no when he got to america

and he went

to jail and he stayed in jail for two and a half months

rather than tell

call his parents

to get him bailed out because he didn’t want

his mom to know

so he was just

gonna sit it out

and let his mom

think he was in jamaica

oh my god he’s

just a fucked up how old was he when this happened like

twenty years old

oh my god i just rather take two and a half

months in prison

jesus christ

so he just wired crazy yeah

and that’s a dude that will fucking keep a

secret though

that’s a guy

that i’d want working for me yeah two and a half months

two and a half

months in jail

instead of telling his mom

that’s a fucking soldier

right there

yeah we got a soldier

brian mccarthy huh

that’s his name and it’s episode

three of your podcast

we can hear this

and i need to

hear this now and then we have on our show

on our show yeah

it’s one of

the funniest stories you’ll ever hear in your room

i swear to god

he’s talking

about fucking the

pussy and he’s like

felt like frozen

gummy bears that’s the only

thing i can describe

cause i think

they didn’t

get rid of all the dick meat they just stumped up there

and he’s like

so i’m fucking

and he goes

now if i tell you this

pussy just looked like a

sloppy mess you

should have seen the asshole

but i couldn’t

get any friction in the

pussy cause i

guess the doctor didn’t do a good job so i’m

pinching the

pussy down and i’m fucking yeah

i mean it oh

fuck this guy in his asshole i did

everything oh my god

jesus christ

he’s a mental

and he’s not even gay not at all what the fuck is that

about told a

story about how he let a guy blow him one time

because he was out with this

and he’s not

a good looking dude he’s out with this like

supermodel chick like really hot like

famous playboy model

and they were out and they were all doing coke and

partying and she goes

i’ll let you do anything you want to me

if you let this guy suck your dick

wow and he went

well he goes

what do i have to lose he goes

if i like it then i’m gay

so he goes that

solves a lot of problems for me in life

he’s like so i let the guy do it and

apparently the guy that did it is this

famous writer for vanity fair

and he let the guy suck his dick and he said as soon as

he goes as soon

as i felt the growth the stubble of his beard

hit the base of my cock he goes i’ve

never gone so limp in my life

and he goes i went

i’m not gay

now did he fuck the chick

afterwards he did fuck the chick

afterwards or he said

maybe he was too coked up to fuck her that

night but he got to

afterwards but so the guy went he went limp meaning

that he was hard before the stubble hit him he yeah

well he was she got him hard or something it was a

crazy fucking

story this dude knows how to party

no he doesn’t

no i do not want to

party i do not

know how to

party that guy’s an

idiot she sucked

a guy suck his dick

that’s not a guy knows how to

party that’s

silly he’s a

i would rather not fuck that

girl you know that

girl has a lot of outrageous demands you know who he’s

friends with he’s friends with the dude who’s a pretty

amazing dude to me to that own consumption junction

do you remember that website oh

yeah well i went to arizona to do show like

crazy stuff right

consumption junctions like car accidents

around no i don’t know

is but the dude

sold the website and made millions of dollars but

powerful i went

he’s his best friend and i went to arizona to

scottsdale or whatever attempt

be to do shows that right

and he’s like

let me call my friend he’ll show up at your show

so the dude shows up

and sits down and

starts telling me stories he’s like so i’m in panama

and cause you know there’s no

extradition laws there

and we’re doing mountains of coke and we’re fucking

these girls and

and i’m pissing

all over them and we’re all in the shower and there’s

eight girls for me and

eight girls for my friend and like

these guys just live in a

world that like they make

movies about

and shut and they tell me

these stories and i’m like are they just

are they lying to me to impress me in

the comic and then

you see his website and you go oh okay

there’s guys that are doing that

there’s these joe francis type characters that

are you know like that guy is notorious i think

these guys are

beyond that this really now owns a website called

sugar sugar

it depends on how much

money you have it really does if you’re a sociopath

and you got a billion dollars you can do some damage

you can just go out there and ball all the time

i know some people that

are big finance people that um

back in the

early days of the ufc

and these guys said

tons tons of

money this guy was ugly as fuck

this guy used to

travel all over the country just banging

chicks and he’s always tell me stories

about being in

ibiza and being in russia

and being here he’s just a fucking 20th century baller

this guy was just roaming the country roaming the

world rather just

everywhere party and

especially if you go to other

countries yeah

in other countries people just fuck

okay it’s not like america well

i tour america is a different

rap and you know that because you go to australia like

six months a

year i toured for

about six years

extensively around the

world like doing

china and dubai

and all these

south africa

and i saw some shady shady shit

like you just

start finding out like

prostitutes are 50

around the world

and i was at a

party one night in dubai

where everyone

was so fucked up they went oh let’s get hookers

and when we

found out they were 50

we were like well let’s get 10 each

and it was like we didn’t even want to have sex with

them it was like

it was just out of like you know

it started with

well i don’t

fifty dollars

i just want them to come over and listen to my jokes

like created your own audience

and then everybody gets ten we’ve got

thirty people that’s a decent

night in the or

imagine the audience you could fuck

afterwards that’s awesome

well that’s

this is what happened

i’m not gonna mention the names

cause some of them are

you know comics that work here but there was a

whole bunch of

comics and everybody

started upping the ante

they’re like

i wanted just to have them come over and fucking

pour maple syrup all over them and we’re

gonna swim around the fucking bathroom

floor i want to put

pringles on

this is in dubai

this was in dubai

did you guys worry

about being arrested

cause they have some really

crazy laws over there from the

minute we got there to the

minute we left on this trip we were so fucked up

that it never

occurred to me

and then my next

trip over i got fucked up in customs and thought i was

never coming back what happened

i didn’t have the proper visa

and i tried to leave

i miss my flights

i was all fucked up oh this was the same trip

on the way back

i tried to leave like

the other two

comics got on the

plane i missed the

plane out of

just being so fucked up i was in an internet cafe

i missed the plane

and then i’m like fuck the next flights not for

twenty four

hours to london

so i try to

leave the airport to go to a hotel

and my my visa

was only good for like

three or four days or whatever

so they checked my visa they checked

my passport

and they didn’t

match because my

agent fucked up

oh no my agent

put my middle name or something on it

somehow you easily

could be a spy too look at you

and eight spy look to him

i just took my passport walked away

and i never saw my passport

again till 24

hours later

so i’m without a passport

next thing i know i’m in an office next

thing i know

fucking strip

search i’ve done

they’ve gone through

everything in my bag

they’ve gone

through my computer when they open up my computer

my heart started beating so fast that i’m

like because pornography is illegal in the middle east

and they tell you don’t buy porn don’t the guys are

gonna try to

sell to you in the streets don’t buy it they

could be spy so they looked on it in

every folder in your laptop

they opened my laptop and

and when they opened it i was just like this is it

i’m gonna be in fucking prison

a middle eastern prison for the rest of my life

cause i downloaded like topless car wash angels

you know like that’s

like this is fucked and

i had called my

girlfriend at the time

cause they kept making me go like before they like

kind of held me in this office

they were like

go to this office and i go to this office they be

like go to this office and i kept walking down hallways

they’re like go down

this hallway and they make me walk down this hallway

and there’s a big sign that says

like nobody

is allowed past this

point no one at all like whatever in english it said it

and i’m like

they told me go down that hall and i’m like

i’m not going down that hall like

they’re setting me up or something right

so i call her on the

phone i’ve got my cell

phone oh that’s

crazy and i go listen

i’m in i’m fucked i don’t know what’s

going on but if you don’t hear from me in two

hours call the us embassy

and tell them i’m in trouble

i said something’s fucked up here

and dubai’s supposed to be like the most progressive

place in the

world what but

no it’s not

not in the world but i mean in the middle

east of the middle east

countries yeah

but that’s just

cause they want the

money exactly they want tourism

they want to be

vegas of the desert yeah they look the

other way you see shit like

russian hookers barbecuing sausages on the

beach like topless

and you’re like wait a

minute this

fucking muslim country yeah

they but i’ve

heard of people been arrested

that were making out there so it was just subjective

like they decide

when to enforce it was sex in the city wasn’t it

no no it was real a real couple real couple

was making out

weird fucking shit like we had

we had drinks beers on our van

and i was over there another time

shooting a documentary

and we had beers on the van

after we shot one

night and we had

a female like that worked

for the emirates with us

and the next day we find out like we’re in big

trouble we drank around a female

we were swearing

there was all kinds of shit and they’re like

they’re like you

broke every like sharia law

possible don’t you you

fuck there’s evidence of this well it was kind of like

i was over there with like a guy who’s really important

his his father

is like the attorney for the emirates

right and so it was kind of like

you guys are okay but don’t fuck up

again like like

you so do you have a mark

against you now so if you go to dubai now

i’m never going

again we filmed one

thing where

i put on a dish dash

which is the

islamic well not

islamic but just the garb

that they wear

right in dubai

and you know it’s the white

down in the hat

and they gave

me one of those when i did the

ufc in abu dhabi

yeah and a buddy of mine

just wore them around town we thought it was kind of

funny and we’re just right

and we kept asking people were like we’re okay

right we’re not

breaking any law

and they’re like no no it’s not religious it’s just the

clothing that people wear

and then the girl that

worked for the emirates left the emirates and sent me

an email telling me that there were spies

watching us

the whole time

and i was like

just fuck this shit i don’t need to go back there

yeah who was it

that was telling us

pete johansson was telling us that he did gigs in

dubai and there was

members of the

secret police

would sit in the audience and

watch yeah yeah yeah they did and they

would be in the front row

they’d be totally obvious i think

actually i don’t remember if you said the

front row he

might have said the back row

whatever he said they were

super obvious

and they were

standing there with

their arms crossed just staring

at him the whole time yep

so he’s trying not to

cross any lines trying not to say

anything with the lines you can’t

cuss no no you can say

anything you

want they don’t want you making fun of islam

well remember when we had

what’s his face

how sparks and he was talking

about almost getting arrested he

was doing gigs with john lovett

and he made a mistake of calling the

speaking of

one of the sultans or one of the shakes

and he called them

what do you call

miss sure ms sure i

think he said that i called him the french name for mr

and apparently one guy got incredibly offended

and you know called the religious police and

people showed up and they were

gonna fucking put him in jail for this i seriously

think i could make a movie

about my weekend

the one weekend i went there

it’s really

scary when there’s

other parts of the country where you

travel like that

you know we get used to

behaving and

thinking you have

a certain amount of freedom you know what you do here

this is an entirely free country you know weeds

still illegal you can’t say

i want to kill

the president or if you do they’ll lock you up

obviously it was in character when i said that

the president of kentucky

fried chicken

you know certain

things you can’t say is not

completely and totally free

but for the most part it’s pretty easy to get

along here but if you go to

other parts of the

world they’re incredibly suppressive

incredibly especially the middle east yeah

terrifyingly you

know that’s one of the

things that

people like you know i am

most certainly not for war and not into this war

which i think is a

fucking shady war and shady as fuck how we got into it

but you know

we have to be very careful

about the rise

of islamic power all around the

world the rise of sharia

sharia sharia

sharia sharia law

we have to be

careful of any kind of religious zealots whether

christian zealots or

muslim zealops or

anytime people that

think they can lock you up and they have the

right to because you were having fun

you were out dancing

you were out drinking

i have to say that’s some

scary shit i’ve always been

not anti american but i always rail

against the government on all things but

when i get over there

and this kind of shit happened that’s when you

start to really

appreciate your country

that you go

you know i could call the embassy and they

would take care like

they fight for you sure

all right that’s what

they’re supposed to do you’re the united

states citizens you know

i mean we pay

taxes that’s what it’s all

about you know

that’s the benefits of being a part of the team

but it’s just fucked up that we have to think

about that anywhere

you know i mean yeah the united states

is it’s not perfect

it’s corrupt as shit you know

super corrupt the fucking

the business of government is gigantic

you know there’s

a billion different jobs out there that

literally don’t need to exist

they exist to keep jobs

going to keep the business of government

going and it creates

quagmires and fucking complex little social situations

that’s what i always say to people i

think it’s funny when people criticize the president

i’m like i’m not an

obama fan but i’m not

against them i don’t believe in the

whole political system

i love people that criticize

like he’s the one who’s in

charge like

you yeah i always

fucked everything up

he’s so silly he’s like it’s like wwe

raw you know the

whole political system

and vince mcmahon’s the corporations running it all

yeah and and

but but people that criticize like a guy

you know obama is healthcare

i’m like dude you can’t even fucking return your

videos to blockbuster

on time how

it’s a general lack of

understanding about the

system which i

think most people have and even

me i’ll get like into it i’ll

focus on for like a couple of

months then i’ll go what am i doing

what am i paying

attention to i’m paying attention to this

stupid hustle

this fake thing that barely

you know what goes on in washington barely affects your

day to day life what goes on in your neighborhood what

goes on with your friends what goes on in your world

people that

you interact with that’s what affects your life

if you get really

too hung up and dealing with like washington

and politics and democrats and republicans and

thinking you

understand that system

that’s what’s

ridiculous i

used to work for a

senator and

yeah it was my

first job where

i worked for arlen spector

get the fuck out

of here i swear to god

that evil cunt

you know that guy was on the warrant

commission right dude i

could tell you i just i

started interning for him in college and

and it was like

i thought i wanted to go into

politics or something and then i realized like i’m the

i thought like

that i had the shady side that was good for politics

but i was like

there’s no fun

involved it’s just a fucking torturous horrible

and they are

like everyone says it’s poor man’s hollywood

spectre had like hair plugs

facelift fucking

of course you have to appear

vera to your

audience and

he was just like he was the ugliest dude in the

world and he was

of evil fuck man but

when he would explain

his single bullet theory

if he would sit and explain it to you

after he does it you

would believe him no i wouldn’t

you no i wouldn’t

because i’ve seen the bullet the dumbest thing

about the single bullet is the bullet itself

and there’s almost no damage one through two people

shattered bone

and it’s barely

dented but i’m

telling you in his presence he has this way of

correcting you incorrect

i would not be amused or affected by that dummy

there’s no way that guy’s an evil fuck there’s no way i

would listen to him and

be impressed is it

charming or is he

not in the least it was one of

those things

where i was like how the fuck

did this guy get into politics he was like

and all you have to do is be in dude

once you’re in it’s like being a writer on a sitcom

you know when you work on a sitcom one of the

things you find out

about working

on sitcoms is there’s usually a few brilliant writers

and these fucking fakes

these people that aren’t really

funny at all like

they would never

stand up comedians

someone somehow or another

got them a job as a comedy

writer and now here they are on sitcoms and

you deal with them over and over and over

again and you realize

all you have to do is just get into the system

once you get into the

system then you get

other jobs i gave that

speech once i got a deal a long time ago

to do a sitcom and it was

going to be

about my life and i used to live with my

sister in new york for a

while and they thought that was

funny to the

point of view

we’ll make a show about it

so i met with writers

first i met with

all the development guys and they were like

showing me the writers they were

gonna give me and they gave me the

script of these guys and i went this is shit

this is shit

and my manager at the time was like shut the fuck up

take the money who’s your manager got up

the time it was carrie hoffman

carrie hoffman out of new york he owned

stand up new york oh my god

stand up new york didn’t

carry like he

would get like people

would get sitcoms and he

would want a

piece of the

sitcom because they used to work out in his club

did he do that yeah

that’s hilarious you listen to

stuffers like listen to that

the guy was a manager of a fucking

or owned a comedy club

comics would go up and then perform in his club

and they got

one guy got a development deal

and he wanted

like a certain percentage of this guy’s sitcom

because he used

to practice at his club oh that’s fucking stupid

amazing and he didn’t get it though

of course not of course not

really hard amazing that he

would even chase

after that so i’m

sorry so this guy tells you to shut

the fuck up he’s like shut the fuck up and take the

money and i

i’m sitting in the meeting and

no offense i said i

understand you know that you

think these guys are good writers and

everything i said but i know this whole

system what goes on

guys get in and they get their

buddy and he can’t write

and but then they’ve

been there for ten years and you don’t realize they

never wrote anything good they were just there

and now they get to be a show runner i said

i’ve got millions of friends that

write funnier than this can i can i just go out and get

one of them and we’re jim and i are in that situation

right now where they’re trying to do

a show with us right now

and it’s like

we feel like we could

write the show

there was a time when i had a development deal

where there were two guys that were

writing for friends they were the creators of friends

and one of them branched out on his own

and i got this development deal

and it was for fox and

it was a good amount of

money and so they

really wanted this guy to do it because this guy had

such a great

background well

often what happens is when there’s a team of writers

you got one brilliant guy

and the other guy is this fucking

buddy that you bounce shit off of

you know and so the brilliant guys

bouncing shit off the

other guy and then they put it all together like

maybe the other guy types and

and they become a team so

you want somewhere

along the line the

other guy says you know what i

think i’m unrecognized

my talent personalities

my friend i’m much better

so this fucking

idiot decides he’s

gonna go out on his own so he gets his

giant development deal it was for

it was i zoe

it was michael eisner’s company

and it was a fucking huge development deal millions and

millions dollars everybody was like banking on this guy

and so i go

to meet with the guy they want me to meet with him

i meet with him and he’s wearing

bowling shoes

whenever i see a guy who’s trying to be wacky

you’re wearing bone

shoes aren’t comfortable

those are uncomfortable as fuck

like why are you wearing

those are you wearing

those to let me know that you’re nutty

i might be a

multi millionaire but i wear bowling

shoes to the office

did you just

get done bowling no you’re trying to send a message

and the message is

you’re dressing like you

think a funny person

would dress

tells me you’re probably not fucking funny

so i immediately

get terrified i’m like oh this guy this is a fucking

faker he snuck through

there’s no way there’s no way how

could he get this fucking gigantic

multi multi million dollar deer if he

snuck through

so i meet with the guy

we talk he has an

idea he wants me to be a part of it bubba bubba we meet

and then they give me one of his

scripts the

script that

i read is fucking terrible i mean it’s just god

awful there’s nothing

funny in it at all

and i’m like well

maybe this is just a shit script

maybe he’s got some

other ones maybe there’s a spec

maybe they had him write this

and it wasn’t a subject that he was interested in

so this guy comes up with the

this is his idea for a sitcom

sitcom is about an immortal

it’s about a man who’s immortal

okay and he

existence like

egyptian days

and all he does is like get laid

it’s fucking devoid of comedy

who wants to watch

a sitcom about an immortal

a guy who’s an immortal

he’s been immortal since the

egyptian days and all he does is try to get laid

i don’t understand all

these hooks in these sitcoms when you look at

the best sitcoms that have ever existed

the jobs or whatever they do it’s so

superfluous

all you need is a group of people

that hang out together and have relationships with each

other in the

interesting relationships if you look at like taxi

and cheers and you

could move them to any

other setting and they

would be funny

you know you put them in an office if you well that

wouldn’t it just

didn’t matter what this guy did well this guy was not

funny it didn’t matter if he

wrote about

three people hanging out at a laundromat or

three people who work on the moon he

just didn’t he’s a fucking

idiot yeah he just

snuck in that show

never made it out though

right no of course

it didn’t and i had to tell them we had a meeting

and it was a real controversial meeting it was like

they were upset at me because i was like

this guy sucks and they’re like this guy does not suck

this guy is ba ba ba

he’s this he’s that

he’s done all

these things

and i’m like he’s not

funny i’m telling you this guy’s not

funny this is a mistake

they’re like you don’t

understand there’s

more to writing than just being

funny there’s character development and story arcs

and he’s a guy who really

understands that

and we can bring in more

funny later but what he’s really concerned with

is what we’re concerned

we want a really good

story the story was

it was terrible it was

stupid it didn’t make any sense

it was just

like a guy who’s pretending to be a comedy writer

who got a job

right in comedy

if you took some fucking guy to work for

a fence company

i’m tired of writing fences i think

i’m good writer

i’ve done it i’ve been doing

stand up for 15 years and

it took me 15 14 and

about 14 and a half years to finally realize

that 95 of the people in the business

don’t know anything

about comedy

like well you can’t really

truly understand

unless you’re doing it

i mean i and i’ve lately been putting them to the test

where i’ll say well explain to me why

and when you put them

like when you put them on the hot

screen while

like i’ll say something like why is that

comic doing that or why

should he why do you

think he’s good at what he does or why isn’t he

are you asking

agents managers

yeah everybody

yeah development people

talent scouts

i always do it and i put them to it and they’ll go

well you know he does this really interesting

thing where he’s kind of like not really

observational but he’s kind of political but

he’s more unnecessary i’m like

you have no fucking idea

you have no idea

you all are

sheep and you just follow well it’s not that i don’t

think i think agency

managers are really important

but i think they really can’t truly

understand what comedy is all

about unless they do it

you know unless you do it you’re really

never going to be an

expert on it you

might know a lot

about it but you’re

never gonna really

truly understand it

unless you can recreate

it i have an

agent out of australia

i think you might have

i think you

might have worked

with you when you were down there artie lang

yeah yeah dude

same name as

howard you guy but same now arty

is fucking like

the greatest

agent that has

a great guy he’s fucking amazing and he knows comedy

comedy a little bit

and like you’ll do a

bit and he’ll go why don’t you say this and you’re like

yeah that would actually work better

and i’ll run my sets

by him before i

go on tv and he’s like no no take that out put that in

not saying that he can’t have some

understanding

of comedy without doing it you just can’t really truly

understand it

you know you’re

never gonna

understand the way a comic

understands it it’s all theoretical

until you put it in practice it’s like a guy who does

kata in the gym is pretty sure he

could fare well in a

street fight yeah

but really he’s not really sure it’s theoretical

you know a guy who’s actually fought a

bunch of times is like yeah i’ve

been through this shit before i know what i’m gonna do

there’s a difference but

there’s nothing

wrong with agents and managers that don’t

understand it totally

because they do a great job

i wouldn’t do it and you

wouldn’t do it we’re not

going to sell ourselves we’re not

going to go out and get development deals

we can’t do it

anyway you can’t negotiate for yourself it’s impossible

especially that and be creative

it’s important to have managers and agents

but they don’t

have to know

everything they just have to

shut the fuck up and push in the

right direction if you’re talented

the problem is when you’re not

that talented or when you’re not doing that well you

haven’t become

successful yet

then they start

tweaking you

then they start well we’ve got to figure out what’s

going on here what you need is a new look

you know jamie masada told

my friend todd parker

that he had to be the

generation x guy that’s what he was saying

buddy you are

generation x guy

this is your new hook you go on stage

everything come out of your mouth

generation x i am

generation x guy

have you imdb that guy now lately that

got the friends writer just to see what kind i don’t

even remember his name

i don’t remember his name

but i met a couple of

those guys i

wrote something with one of

those guys a guy who

wrote on seinfeld

fucking terrible he couldn’t

write anything

funny it wind

up me and me writing the funny

stuff and him writing it down

it was a terrible relationship

kerry hoffman did that to uh

to me that once he

tried to change me he’s like i’ve got an idea

um oh what you

never see comedy duos anymore

you we get you and a girl

we get you and a girl

and you do like

still earn mira oh my god

oh my god what an idiot

yeah but uh

what is that guy

still in the business

i think so actually he’s doing

really well because he’s got mike royce and tom hurt

who are really good writers and

yeah i think i think

tom might be on

i always like the guy

and doing his club he’s always nice to me

tom when i heard that shit

about him trying to get

15 percent from me he was kind of like a father to me

he was that he was really good and he actually did shit

that was amazing some of the shit he did was the best

stuff a manager

ever did for me when i went to montreal to do new faces

he sent a tape of me to

every single person

that wasn’t

going to montreal

and i bombed at montreal bombed

and so i was fucked

and then all the people

that didn’t go to montreal saw a tape that was great

and we’re like he’s awesome

what year was this

this was 2000

i think so people were stopping and

going to montreal by then

it was montreal

kinda died out

around that my year

my year of new faces was listened to this it was me

tony rock i believe was in it

dean edwards who got saturday

night live that year dimitri martin

mike berglia

russ moneve

like everybody got something big out of it

and so it was

like the last year then and it was the last year

cause chicken was the year before

yeah that was what i was

gonna bring up we were talking

about this i

think we brought

up chicken on the podcast before didn’t we

well chicken god rest his soul

it’s the most amazing phenomena

and this is the proof that

agents and managers have no fucking

idea they just don’t get it they don’t know what’s

funny and what’s not funny

some of them don’t

i should say

this guy he was this

young kid who is just real boyishly handsome

and he had this really

wacky act like

there’s a screw

loose in him

and he had this like really like

completely over the top act that just

would baffle comedians

they would go this is not funny

i don’t get it oh

dude it was all like

i’ll give you one i remember i audition

for snl with them

he went on stage

and said so and so when they hit a home

run you ever see him they just jog around the bases

he’s like they just casually

jog around if they hit a home run he’s like that was me

if i hit a home run

he’d be like whoa

what the fuck

yeah and he’d like do like flips on

stage and run around the audience and like

throw his arms in the air

and be like

i’d be flinging shit in the air out of my and

everything but people

would almost like

you know if you just see a

crazy man jumping up and down in a

nightclub you’re like

dudes pretty

crazy that’s what he was

yeah he wasn’t

he wasn’t that talented he

tried really hard anyway he

wound up getting this

giant development deal

and just being a complete total bust

like they couldn’t do

anything with him he was just not talented it was just

awful and so

he went into this sort of dark

depression and then

comics hated him

like he was a

punchline for comedians

a bunch of them who just shit all over him

you know i mean

come you know

comics are for one guy’s doing better than you and you

think he’s not as good as you it’s just fucking

venomous hate

so this kid

wound up killing himself in

front of a school

he hung himself on a tree in

front of a school

i didn’t know that

i know that part of i know

i heard the

story when he was at montreal though

like there was so much hype on him

going into montreal that

like that they were

bidding on him before he even went on

stage and i

think he did

as he was going on

stage someone said to his manager

like one of the networks

goes like we’ll give you a million dollars if he

doesn’t step on that

stage cause they knew

his price would even go up once he went on stage

and a million dollars

well his development

deal was a half a million

that was it i’m pretty sure that’s what he got

so they said like we’ll give you half a million for at

least that’s what the

rumor was not to

go on stage

because they didn’t want

the bidding to even go up further so i don’t know i

think that’s

i think that’s a lot of hype yeah

i don’t think that really happened

that doesn’t really nobody does that

but there was

a lot of people that were into this kid and

comics we’d be

standing in the back of the room

watching this kid

flail around on

stage and you know like

literally flail

you know and like he was on fire

and go what the fuck is going on

these are clips of him online you

think that’s

a good question michael ruth was his name i

think i met him

the night we did snl

we’re all back

we’re auditioning caroline’s and we’re all in the

green room and he comes into the

green room and all the

comics kind of know each other

and then he shows up in the green room

and he’s got this energy you know

those energy like

vampires that just

suck all the energy away from everyone else

he starts bouncing around the room going

it’s fucking

crazy i don’t

know what i’m fucking doing here this is like

snls here and i’m fucking like

i’m not even a comedian

i don’t know what you like this is

crazy you guys like do your shit and i just get up on

stage and i’m like

wacky and fucking crazy and

and everyone was just kind of you know

comics were all looking at each

other like dude you

it was almost like he was

psyching us out too

right because we’re all trying to

you know this

is a big deal for us we’re all trying to get on

it and he’s

bringing you into his head yeah

and i thought that’s

what he was doing and i’m like you’re fucking with me

right now and i’m

about to punch you in the face

so you thought he was doing it on purpose yeah and

i’m like i’m not

gonna put someone

really do that

i think there are guys that are

they kind of do that really yeah how

would that work though

that’s a weird strategy to go out and

did you get anything i found some

videos if you want to listen to one yeah let’s listen

to one i don’t like

comics that go yeah that’s him man you go

house the room

doesn’t say anything

about him how he’s dead yeah

did it say oh he killed himself no

you guys got a lot of

white suburban gangster kids here i ain’t got a

voice you guys got a lot of

white suburban gangster kids here

not me but white suburban gangster kids

seventeen year old caucasian boys that look like me

fuck you they said that they’re

black and raised in the hood

walk around the mall here they got the

pants hanging off their ass got the hat on

quick and oh shit what’s up motherfucker

oh shit oh oh oh oh shit

shit he pulled his pants down

it looked like a thong he had on

what a problem

like three days your cell phone we got fax machines

forty five pounds of gold got a seven gold chain

three gold ring two gold teeth in the

whole fucking time his name’s bradley

dumb as shit driving his mama’s minivan

no thank you to watching the dance clubs

doing all those booty dances you know damn

fuck you dude you can’t do it

he pulled his pants down again

his name is michael roof r o o f

so anyway that’s enough of that

anyway that’s not terrible i mean

it’s not the

worst comedy i’ve ever

heard what’s funny when he was

pulling down his pants the

first time he had

taken his underwear and i gave

himself a wedgie so it looked like he had a thong on

it was like a little

touch a little

extra touch nice

there that was

nice he jazzed up the bit

i like the tagline the new

butt crack tagline he added

you know whatever man nothing

wrong with that

i mean i mean it’s not my style

i’m not into it

he was in like

lockdown really yeah

well he you know he had

that big development deal and nothing happened for it

and then i remember like

so many people were so fucking

happy when nothing happened to it

you know and

that’s when it got really ugly for him like

comics were

happy that he was failing

you know and then

there was like

a lot of negative energy towards this but

they used him as an example they

said like he killed the development

yes he did he did kill it

they gave him a

ton of money

and that was it

what really killed it was

their lack of real

talent and ability

to recognize

talent you know these

comics or these

agents and managers they’re really just taking guesses

you know and

that’s what killed it what killed it was all

these big people that

spent a lot of money

and people that were the head of

studios and people that you know they had a

budget and then

they’re like why did we

spend half a million dollars on this fucking

thing like what is this

there’s a lot of that

going on man

you know like this

the friends guy if they sat that guy down said just

write us a couple of

scripts real quick

now let’s look at your

scripts let’s look at your

scripts they read their

scripts and then dude

they didn’t read anything from

this guy before you got this deal i know they didn’t

i know the whole

story behind it everybody was so high on them they just

want to throw this guy money

i’ve looked at a

bunch of scripts lately and i’m like death

death right

i can’t do it

i’ve read a couple of them and

i sigh and i look down at it and i go no i’m not even

going in i can’t go in i can’t do this

you know yeah it

would be nice to do a sitcom

again i love doing news

radio it was a lot of fun

but good luck trying to find another one of

those by the way dave foley’s

gonna do the podcast

got in touch with dave foley

no way yeah

very excited

but you know it’s like

getting a hold of one of

those sitcoms is like

a fucking one in a million and so if you don’t do that

what are you dealing with well you’re dealing with a

bunch of producers

that don’t really know how to do comedy

dealing with a

bunch of writers most of them are not

going to be talented

because if they were talented they’d be working for

modern family

or some of those big shows

so there’s not

that many really good ones that are out there free

right you know

so it’s like your odds of

finding you know a good one are like one in 10 you know

maybe maybe one in 20 yeah i

paul prevents

and i started writing

a movie together on this idea that i had

and i met paul in

edinburgh i was doing the

edinburgh festival and i

kind of did the

thing is a bit and he’s like what

i said oh yeah i’ve

tried to write a movie

about that and he’s like

hey you should

write that fucking movie

this is the bit that

you said is the same as my bit the one that i talked

about on the show

very similar

i had a bit that i used to do

i did it back in the 90s

i just talked

about it on the show the

other day because

we were both on the

green room show together

and there was

we were talking

about like being booed off

stage and like when

people want you to change the subject you’re talking

about and how people get

upset at you

and i said that i used to do this joke

about cloning jesus

because there was a

thing called a

second coming project and the

second coming project was like that’s

funny that’s what we

named the script was the

second coming because it’s all

about the guy jerking off was the opening

scene really yeah okay

there was a real

thing that was in the news

about this many many years ago anyway this

the idea was they were

gonna take like dna from the shroud of turn

and they were

gonna recreate jesus

they were gonna like

clone jesus

but my joke was like and this is a real

thing like they really

think sort of i’m not sure it

might have been a parody

you know there’s a lot of

those that sneak

through by the way rachel matto got busted on a parody

the other day

she was reading a parody

this christian

it’s a fake website

and she was reading

as if it was news

palance supporters really believe that

we have to inject

christianity into

north africa

it’s really

funny so my

bid was dolly the

sheep you know when they

clone dolly the

sheep that shit didn’t come out perfect like

cloning is not an

exact science like

what do they do with the first

jesus of the

clone i mean he comes out retarded

do you kill him and

start from scratch

or do you just you

know and so there’s this

whole bit about it

when i did it

at the comedy

store someone was yelling out

next subject

fat white woman

with fat blonde

hair and fat blonde fingers

just that you know i’m a christian

next subject

like she was so firm and her

wonky beliefs

that she wanted to stop i love

those people it’s just

theoretical idea i mean it’s not a real

jesus we’re talking about

this is a and it’s a real

legit question if they really do

clone jesus

that’s a goddamn

legit question like what if they found

jesus’s bones and there was some dna inside of it

and they could

extract it they knew for sure it was deep

jesus they knew it was his dna

well that’s a real

legit question what if he does come back retarded

because he could come back all fucked up there

could be all sorts that he

could be autistic and

psychopath he could be

black as fuck

that’s probably what it is what if he was that’s what i

think jesus was

black yeah because you can’t start

off white and then go

well there’s a lot of evidence that jesus

wasn’t even real

there’s a lot of evidence that there was no

jesus that’s done mythology yeah and

that this same mythology

repeats itself over and over and over again so

jesus even as a historical figure

is in question you know

there’s like there’s like you know volumes of

pages written

about you know certain caesars and certain you

know rulers of

greece and rome so

the stuff that’s on

jesus is so

it’s really hard to tell whether it’s real

well and also all

those biblical

fucking you know like

everything from all the

matthew mark luke and john there was like

there was the book of q to

know but that

there was a

fifth book of the gospels

apparently that luke

based his book on

i’m not completely accurate and all this

stuff but if you

start reading

about it you’ll find out

that like all four of them didn’t live at the same time

so some of them base

their account on the

other ones because they’ll say it’s

identical of the other one

right so it’s like they just

just based heard a

story yeah and just rewrote it

which could have happened from the beginning

and then there was also like the council of nicea

where these guys went in and decided

the bishops all went okay well we’ve got all

these books we’re

gonna throw out

these ones we don’t like

these we’re

gonna keep the

they just rewrote history the way they wanted it so

i mean it’s

like that on there well you if you find out

about the new testament that’s

where things get really

weird because constantine and a

bunch of bishops created

a new testament that’s the

you know we’re talking

about something that was way

after jesus

death you know if

jesus was a real figure

the whole thing is fucking squirrely

you know the historical account just

me not even saying the religious account the historical

account is very squirrely

i don’t know

and you were

saying something

about recreate

like dolly being retarded

i’ve often wondered

like you know when like a dog bites someone

everybody’s like oh he’s a bad dog or whatever i’m like

you see people

all the time like

people with down syndrome

are there like down

syndrome dogs

yes oh yeah mine’s down

syndrome mine’s

real fucking my

dog’s retired yeah it’s totally retired

your dogs just really really overbred

you know you have a

you have one of

those little dogs yeah what’s it called again

pekingese yeah those dogs man

guess what that came from a wolf

yeah there’s no way you get a good example if that

is what you get from a wolf i

think my dog might be part wolf

really yeah

she’s an aussie cattle dog and she’s

i grew up with jack

russell terriers you ever see those little

fucking assholes

and they they’re really aggressive

cause they used to kill rats they’re fucking so

aggressive sent em

after rats we lived out in the woods and

these things would do one of them

one of them went down a

i couldn’t find him one night i find him down a sewer

under the road

and i’m looking down the sewer grate i see him

and there’s a pipe

way down underneath it runs out to creek

and i’m like fuck he ran up the pipe and he’s

under the sewer there’s no way for

me to get him i look down he’s got a raccoon cornered

oh my god and i’m

like fuck he’s dead he’s dead this raccoon she’s gonna

and all and i’m just

going come on like try to

coach him out the hole

i’m screaming screaming

and all of a

sudden i hear wow

and it goes

and i’m like

fuck my dog’s dead

right my dog’s dead and i’m shining a

flashlight and i don’t see anything

next thing i know my jack

russell drags the raccoon

out of the pipe

my jack russell

killed a raccoon

got cut to about a year ago

i my dogs leashless

all the time people you can call me an asshole

but i don’t believe in putting a dog on a fucking

leash and my dogs well

behaved and

she’s amazing it’s not an asshole if the dogs well

behaved as long as you really know the dog and is well

behaved just when people walk around like pitbulls

without nationals

that’s silly

yeah my dog’s amazing and so the way i used to do that

like a retard when i got it

silly when i get

close to home i’ll go go go home and she’ll run like

200 meters up the road

so i one night see this cat and she

chases she never

would hurt a cat

but she’ll play with them so i go go go there’s a cat

you told her to

chase the cat yeah

but she just plays with the cat

son of a bitch

and so she goes running up the road

and all of a

sudden i hear her go

and i’m like

fuck she’s you know she’s now

fighting with the cat and she’s

never fought before

and i come around

the corner it’s not a cat it’s a fucking raccoon

and i’m like

fuck and the

cat takes are the raccoon takes off so you totally

chase after a raccoon

thinking it was a cat yeah

and how did you mistake the

i don’t it was so

far away it was like two hundred yards away so

i wake up the next day and like

my dog sitting there and her eyes are

crusted shut

and i’m like what the fuck

so i take her to the vet and

the raccoons scratch both are corneas

yeah oh god and he said the

vet said these

things will rip your dog

apart from the

second time

they were fucking junkie

texting and tweeting

while he’s trying to have some convoluted conversation

they said they’ll rip your dog

apart and i said well what

about the rabies and

the rabies aren’t bad in

california but uh

it’s not bad but the raccoon that’s fucking fucking

scary man raccoon

when i lived in new

rochelle new

york i had a big one in my neighborhood that

used to fuck up trash cans

he was gigantic i mean it was like a dog

i couldn’t believe

how big he was and i got a blow gun just so i

could try to kill him

and i was terrified i opened the door it was

small i had a

small little yard

and i would open the door and he

would literally be fucking ten feet from me i panic and

slam the door

i’m like get out of here bitch

my old dog cabo at once i

let him out the backyard and just to go to the bathroom

and i let him out and instead i hear him going

i’m like oh what’s going on

so i go outside and there’s two skunks

i cornered in my little backyard

and the dog’s

about to attack him

and i’m just thinking

i don’t want to get

sprayed i want the dog to get

sprayed you know takes forever to

clean that shit off

my dog got sprayed when i was a little kid

yeah it’s the worst

it takes forever

you use tomato juice

apparently there’s an enzyme

in tomatoes that helps

break it down but not much

tomato and it

doesn’t work

that good you

gotta keep doing it over and over and over

again that dog

stunk for weeks have you ever heard the

billy burr bit

about raccoons

was the raccoon and the little hand

stealing the cat the youtube video

it’s the hardest i’ve ever

laughed at a joke in my life i don’t

think i’m i’m must honor

i saw him at the improv

one night it

was recently so it’s probably like in his new set

but it’s billy show you know

angry billy gets right

right he’s so

angry watching this youtube video

where a raccoon keeps stealing

like cat food like it comes over and keeps

stealing the

food from the cat or from the dog or something

and he keeps

going this little

fucking raccoon hands

and tears were coming out of my eyes i was

laughing i’ve never

laughed that hard at a comics

check it out

cause he’s so angry

about the little hands

and he’s like the fucking little mask on this

it’s pretty crazy that

all dogs came from wolves

yeah you know

when they figured out the genetic lineage of dogs they

expected to be a

bunch of wild canids in there a

bunch of different kinds of canines

nope wolves

all originally was a wolf

what about a dingo

it’s a different kind of dog

yeah well i

mean it’s a canada wild dog okay i know it’s

specific ones like

the dingo doesn’t come from

a wolf does it i don’t know it’s good question it’s an

australian dingo um

yeah the dingoes eat babies

from australia

my dog looks like a dingo

do kangaroos kill people those are

just recently

discussion one time i got out of a car

and i thought it was a fucking

like we were driving through this like neighborhood

i don’t know why we’re in this neighborhood a

simple yes or no

would be sign here’s

i don’t know but i’ve heard

stories that yes

because when we went to the zoo

in australia they told

us the big ones the big there’s big kangaroos i forget

which kinds of the big

ones what are the red ones the gray ones i don’t know

the big ones kill people and they have

a bunch of times

they said you have to be very careful you have

to approach

them in the wild

this thing i read the

other day it

said like a hundred people die a year from it

and then this other

website is like

there’s been a few

known attacks in the history of you know

well yeah there was one

woman recently her dogs were killed the

most recent attack that i

could find online and this kangaroo

drowned her dogs

that’s pretty

fucking gangster

kangaroos drown your dog

i saw the biggest fucking kangaroo

and i thought it was a

statue in these people’s yard

and i was like

fuck who has this

giant kangaroo

statue i mean like ten foot tall what

like it was no what they get to be like

seven feet tall

yeah as tall as your ceiling

and i come on i

swear to god and i got out of the car

dude this is like a ten

foot ceiling i was how many feet i was like ten feet

i was with two

other comics

and i see this

thing over by

these garbage

cans i’m like holy shit look at this fucking

thing and i

start walking towards it

and this comic name

tommy johnson goes

get the fuck

back in the car mate fucking get in the fucking car

and i’m like

what i’m walking towards it

and all of a

sudden i see it move

i know he’s like

it’ll fucking disembow

you made it’ll fucking go

wow and that’s what they

claim i think it’s like an urban myth

that they just fucking

rip your stomach open

no no it’s not an

urban myth people

definitely have been attacked in that manner this

thing i thought they just got

punched a lot

the red kangaroo is the big one

i was trying to find out how that

would fucking

freak me out if i saw a kangaroo that big

yeah no shit i don’t

think they’re that big though i

think you were free if

they were that big of love to try to like

right around in your ceiling

i didn’t think it was ten i thought it was

about seven i’d say seven

seven feet tall this fucking thing

yeah that’s

what they told us when we went to the zoo in australia

it was fucking ten

whoa okay here we go

they can go to

eight feet tall

and weigh 200

pounds holy shit

wow if you’re seeing those

videos eight

feet fucking tall

terrifying that’s insane

i’ve seen herds of them

down and that is amazing

you ever see

those videos of the kangaroos fighting

on like the golf courses in australia yeah that’s

where you see them on

golf courses it’s

not the red kangaroo the gray kangaroos the big one

right isn’t that the big one

i don’t know do you ever see guys fight them

the eastern

grid the boxing level

jesus christ

no the red kangaroo does grow to nine feet fucking tall

holy shit dude

it doesn’t weigh as much as the gray

but the red grows to nine fucking feet it was

the scariest thing cause i got

i got wow i got from here to the curtain i was

ten feet away from it fuck that and i was walking to it

cause i swear to god it looked like a statue

and all of a sudden it like moved its hand

and i went oh my god that’s fucking alive

holy shit that’s crazy

that is so big

and this comic would just start yelling out the

get the fuck in the car

whoa man wow

yeah that’s

scary thing and they apparently

well people are cunting

to them i’m sure that’s probably

why people hate him they

think their rodents yeah

well they kind of are yeah i mean they right

i think they’re kind of gross

i think they’re kind of cool though squirrels must

feel so fortunate they’re not rats

all they needed was just that fluffy tail and

everything’s groovy

and no plague

just eat nuts you don’t

have to eat garbage okay cool cool have you seen the

viral video yet of the rat that goes up the guy’s face

what oh yes on the subway

you get everybody’s to tell me

new york city rats are fucking terrifying

i remember when i

lived in new york

i think i’ve told the

story but i’ll tell it

again for this

i was at a gas station once and i went to use a cell

phone a pay

phone this is how old

the story is

i didn’t have a cell phone

so i step away from my car

while my car is pumping gas

and i go to the pay phone

and i’m on the pay phone and

while i’m on the pay phone i’m

watching rats

big ones like cats

jump in the

wheel housing of my car

climb on the tires

climb down and i am in your car

yes i’m fucking 15 feet away

i stepped over to use the pay

phone and as i’m

standing there on the

phone i’m watching

these rats and

they keep going down this opening in the manhole

there must have been

thousands of them down there

the way they were coming up so quickly

and in such like

rapid succession one

after the other one

after the other

and then down one

after the other one

i’m like there’s just a

of them down there

i would have called

911 and reported my car stolen

so scary dude

there’s more rats than people in

the area like four

i think it’s four rats for

every person oh my

i was walking down mcdougall

street one time home from the cellar one night

and i’m just

walking through in there you know people with

their garbage out in the

street for the garbage went to pick them up

i’m going between garbage and a

building and

all of a sudden

a rat just runs out from the garbage and uses my

foot as like a hurdle its little feet touched my foot

and it was the most i’ve ever been like a

woman in my life i

started like jumping up and down like screaming

screaming because

it’s like that fucking like adrenaline

rush goes and you can’t

fight you can’t

you’re just like ah

what the fuck

imagine if a rat was as big as you

we’re such pussies

we’re such pussies compared to animals ah

we’re so soft and mushy and fleshy

i think it’s the filth

though of the rats that’s just the filth

they’re furious

those are wild that doesn’t

scare me as much as

the filth of them

you feel like they

carry hepatitis and

fucking aids and

everything yeah i mean the

black plague

isn’t that connected to rats isn’t that all

about rats why not a

bunch of plagues have been

about rats i mean

they’re horrible carriers

of diseases

who was it jim norton and

i think as jim norton and rich

voss used to

go to this one park in new york and sit there and

watch the rats and they said you

would see like

thousands of

these rats dude there’s so many of them manhattan

manhattan is so

crazy with rats

i was at a pool

hall once in new jersey this is the scariest

right i ever saw so my friend john we went

we were doing a gig and we stopped home

from the gig to play some pool we stopped this pool

get out of the car

and as i’m walking towards the door there’s a dumpster

like outside

and as i passed by the dumpster there’s the

biggest rat i have

ever seen in my life i mean

it is like a raccoon

it was gigantic

so no bullshit

i’m not bullshitting it was two and a half

maybe three feet long in the body

it was enormous

it had these

huge fucking

nasty yellow teeth

and i don’t know if it was sick

or if it was

dying i mean it

might have been an old

age because it was so big it

might have been the end of the line for this fucking

thing but it was up on its back legs it was

going like this to me

and i was thinking do i kick this

thing do i get a rock

what the fuck i was

just such a little girly man

i’ll never forget the

noise you gotta

think with all the

poison they lay down like you’ll see the signs in the

subway saying you know

careful there’s like poison

everywhere around

they’ve got to be adapting

and mutating

and we’re making some fucking

scary rat is just course right yeah

i mean that’s what happens with bacteria

right that’s what we’re

immersa it’s you know

that staph infection

that people get that’s antibiotic resistant that’s

what it is from fucking is that like the superbug

yeah well the

mersa is the

super staff it said it’s

i don’t know what it actually

stands for but it’s something resistant

staff so it’s

antibiotic resistant

so when people get it it’s like

really really dangerous and it’s really just created by

human beings by

you know us

fighting off different versions

till the only ones to survive were

super fucking

strong that’s why i just read the

other day that and 80

of all the antibiotics in america are

given to animals

like they pump them so full of antibiotics

and the same bacteria that we used antibiotics to

fight off so do

animals so all the antibiotics

they’re taking is causing the bacteria to mutate

which is making us immune to

these antibiotics too

hmm is that true

because i was on

i did a thing

about i talked

about food inc you

never saw food inc

and i got contacted

and this is one of the coolest fucking

things about this podcast

i got contacted by a

bunch of scientists

food scientists

you know people who are

you know involved in you know the

these farms and

one guy who worked for a poultry company

and he was talking to me about it

let me find it here that shows

the difference between

your listeners and ours

you have all these

intelligent people

they’re really interested we get guys who are like

you guys are fat cunts

well i get those two

watch corn too by the way if you ever get the chance to

watch the documentary

about monsanto

that’s where they even go into more detail about

having holes on the side of the cows

so creepy and food

ink there’s a hole inside

this town in

who was according this guy

first of all

when he wanted it and his name is

jacob kim so

thank you jacob

one of the things that he

explained to me

is that chickens are not on steroids and then

what it is is just genetic selection and they’ve

naturally selected birds with bigger and bigger breasts

to the point

where they’re

freaks so they

wouldn’t have survive if they were a real animal

but you know because we grow them just for their tits

so and he also said that what

they’re supposed to do is they’re supposed to cycle

the antibiotics

so when a bird is sick say like they have a

cycle like there’s 49 days he says to grow a bird

so in business terms the farmer sees

profits go down as the flock stays longer than that

so in the instance that a 30 day old flock gets sick

well they’re supposed to wait 21 days

before they kill them

so when they get sick they’re

gonna lose like 10 or 11 days of profit

so if they do something like that and lose

these days of profit

you know it’s like a problem with them so some

unscrupulous companies

don’t follow that and then they send out the bird

you know like 15 days

later and the bird

still pumped up with antibiotics it has a process

to the system

i can’t believe it i know i fucking have

one thing that i didn’t do right

oh shut it off

thanks at amp t

you fucking cunts

my new phone number is

you fuckheads for

giving out at all to 1 800 faggots oops i said it shit

i retired you

stay away from

that work yeah he retired it but it’s been

it’s been feeding it’s been growing in him lately

yeah i find it a

funny word yeah

i don’t i mean

i’m never gonna retire a word come

on yeah yeah

i always said like when they

tried to retire the n word i go what are they

gonna do put it on a banner and

raise it into the rafters at like the apollo theater or

a number it’s retired

you know i apologize for

some gay guy gets mad at me and i’ll just

flirt with him you

just blow him until he

goes to sleep

don’t be mad yeah i do a bit

right now where i say it i go

you know like

the reason that like

gay men are more sexually

promiscuous than men and

women is because

they’ve got time and energy from not

fighting all the time because a gay fight

you know it’s just like hey

those shoes don’t match

your belt and he’s like really let’s fuck and

you know like that’s

please gay guys beat the shit out and that’s the

other thing gay guys can beat the

other shit out of each

other and they

cop show up like what happened he

punched me we’ll hit him back faggot

that’s funny

so anyway back to this guy’s

what the guy was explaining to me

so no steroids for

chickens that’s not true but there it is true for cows

so cows are jacked

cows are totally jacked up on hormones

but no hormones at all

are no steroids

on chickens

cause i eat all

grass fed stuff

i order all my

meat from us wellness meats

dirty hippie

yeah no no it’s good

grass fed beef tastes

really good

fucking had a

strip last night and pork chops

grass fed pork

chops yeah i ordered

we need pop

shields by the way because pork chops makes a big

yeah terrible

noise in people’s ears

i ordered those

but i yeah i eat

the paleo diet

do you know

that yeah so i eat that diet and i’m into all the

grass fed shit

and my chicken breast that i get

are grass fed and they’re fucking massive

and i’m like

this is weird i

heard the whole

thing was when you buy organic and grass

that you’re just not getting

the fuck they’re bigger

chemicals in the grass

yeah how’s that

possible i don’t know

if there’s any

steroids yeah

what’s going on that grass

oh hey so what did you

think about that

movie into the void to the void i saw it last

night i shut it off

after the car accident when

the fucking

the parents were killed in the car accident i’m like

first of all

you just you

showed me a girl who’s a prostitute and a stripper

okay and then you showed her

happy family

fuck you okay

that’s more science fiction than the dmt shit

cause that’s

just shitty writing to me you’re showing me

this girl who loves her brother

and how much do you love me i love you so much you’re

just jerking with my emotions man this isn’t good

story writing this is nonsense

what i liked

about the movie was

the first person perspective

it was like i was in a video game

that was cool the

blinking of the eye

you remember

you could actually see it

where the character

blinks they

would have it

randomly every 5 10

seconds and then

when he goes into the dmt trip did you

think that was pretty realistic

no i thought it was

amazing it was interesting yeah but it wasn’t realistic

first of all

you couldn’t explain what the dmt trip looks to

a person you couldn’t

recreate it with like cgi

because what it is isn’t possible

what you’ll see it

doesn’t make any

sense what i’m saying

but when you have a dmt trip

you’re not seeing anything that can be recreated

it’s impossible to recreate it’s like

what i’m watching there was just some

swirly cool shit and like really interesting but

when you see it

when you see

a dm teacher it’s just

first of all it’s a million

things at the same time it’s a

bunch of different things

no matter how you

depending how you look at it

it’s a different thing

i really liked how there was so much detail too

cause i’ve noticed this on past hallucinate

trips before like

little things like

after he was tripping

like he shut

this door and the door kind of had like a red

pulse when he shut it

and stuff like that

now what did you

think about the big

even at the very beginning

where you were

hypnotized in a seizure

where it’s just

flashing all

those logos that’s

crazy like that happens throughout the

movie in some

points you’re just like all

right they’re

brainwashing me

right now this

is this is like from the government or google yeah

hey dm that

that kind of shit though i’m

starting to wonder

about that with i’m such a

i’m not a conspiracy theorist but i am paranoid

so really i’m

completely paranoid and

or i can get there and i’ve

gotta like close the

neuro pathways

you know and just fucking like try to

bring myself back from it

cause i can go totally into that

where i’ll start

thinking like

anything like a fucking sitcom

you know like

well you had a real

freak out recently then we talked

about this on the

green room where

you you got

super paranoid from weed

yeah and i’ve had it happen

it was the second time it happened the

first time i

ate a pot cookie in australia the

second time i just smoked

but you said something

really interesting to me you know he said i can’t

smoke pot i said yes you can

he said i have to go to therapy first yeah

like what do you have to go therapy

about breathing

exercises i don’t fucking know but it just put me into

panic attacks and

well i thought

i thought it was just the week the

first time it happened

didn’t we haven’t we

smoke weed before didn’t we

smoke weed in florida you know it’s another

funny story yeah

you know it’s a

funny story one time i was at a

medicinal marijuana benefit that you were like playing

you were like doing a show at the comedy

store for her and calvin okay

brian callan and i came over and

some girl was with you like

like that was in charge of it or something and she goes

she had these

muffins and i had no idea that i didn’t know that

you were a big pothead i didn’t know that what it was

and i was starving and she goes do you want a

muffin and i’m like yeah i have a

muffin so i

ate the muffin

and i’m like

these are really good and she’s like yeah and then i

calendars what’s

the show and you go it’s a benefit from

additional marijuana

and i go it

click i went

did i just fucking eat a pot

muffin and she goes

dude i remember this

yeah and i went like this i

count i go i

gotta go i gotta go i

gotta get home

right now and i

drove home as fast as i

could cause i knew it

would take you know like

twenty minutes for to kick in

and i just didn’t

wanna be out

with it going on and just be

and i was like fuck i

gotta cause i

had eaten pot cookies before and i was like i

gotta get the fuck home so what happened

so i drove home as fast as i

could i get home

and it kicks in and i just had the fucking

greatest experience all

alone and i’m having

like a wonderful night

and i called a girl i know can

you go to 7 eleven for me i need this this this this

and i just was

laughing and she’s like

you’re high i’m like yeah yeah

but i the first time i did it was in australia

and i had such a great time i had to do a show

three nights in a row

by the third night the same

exact audience

oh my god every

night that’s ridiculous so by the

third show i’m out of shit you know i’m down to my

worst stuff

and i’m like

so right before i went on

stage i had a pot cookie thinking

this will be home i did like an hour and 45 minutes

and they’re like

it was fucking brilliant and i’m like what did i talk

about they’re like you talked

about the mach

3 razor for an hour

and i’m like really

and they’re like we don’t even have it here

that’s hilarious you ready

to record your set

that would have been great

i’ve had two

freak outs were when i went to the hospital and was it

pop related

pop related

and once where the

ambulance came to my

house and i

but now i don’t get that anymore i don’t get that

anxiety or anything like that

unless i eat it and

then when i eat it it’s not good well also i mean it

depends on what’s

going on in your life

you think yeah

i should be getting paranoid i

should be dead

right now then why

because i smoke pot

every day and my life’s

crazy you know your life’s crazy

yeah well you know just all this shit lately

if that’s what you’re saying

no no it’s not no

i don’t think your life’s

crazy man i

think your life

is saner now than it was just a couple of years ago

do you remember you well

no more getting into personal details but

you know what i’m talking about

the problem is alright and

here’s the number one problem with eating it is that

nobody knows what the fuck it does to you

you know nobody tells you they just sell

these things at the pot stores

oh is that a pot

brownie oh i’ll try eating it

not knowing that it’s it’s it’s way more powerful

way way more

powerful and it lasts forever

i ate a pop

brownie once and i

swear to god it lasted

twelve hours yeah this

first one lasted

about twelve fucking

and they told me it was

funny i was having a great time

i was in adelaide

australia i’ve been

drinking all day

and then i ate

half a cookie and they said

just eat half

nothing happened i go i’m

gonna have the

other half and they were like all

right i did the

other half having a

great time and all of a

sudden i turned around

i got to go to the

kitchen i turned around and looked at

these girls and i go

make it stop

whatever we have to do

to stop this let’s

stop your trip

yeah i was like can we is there any way to like abort

right now and they’re like

all right calm down and i’m like no no

no we need to fucking

stop this and they’re like why you being such a bitch

i don’t know but what

started happening it was around a

bunch of girls

man why don’t you pull it together hey remember when i

tripped out of fear factor i had to sit with all those

girl interns in

their car and i kept

it together though

he didn’t yell

at anybody to make it stop i thought my eyeballs were

shocked him when he

first came here from ohio he had nothing

he had no resistance he was used to this ohio weed

which you might as well have been

mexican brickweed

might as well been smoking talcum powder and

nonsense that’s a terrible example cold bond

and i gave him a pot lollipop

these fucking beyond bomb

before beyond bomb went to jail

they were operating a

multi million

dollar operation out of oakland and the dea

rated them during

the bush administration and we had two

we had one on the way there

and then like half hour later

you feel anything i’m like

no not really and then so we took another one cause

i think you were new to the

lollipops too at the time

didn’t really know

the length of how long

the wait this is getting me a

panic attack right now

i’m sitting and

he drops me and goes oh hang out here in this

trailer it was like the

trailer with all the managers and directors

producers and

stuff like that

i’m just thinking

about not knowing anybody

and it hits me they were all

super friendly oh they’re totally cool but i mean my

heart started

pounding i started

freaking out

i go and sit on the curb and then in between

breaks you come out like how you doing i’m like dude

fucking stone

i’m having a

panic attack

and you’re like dude i

still have a mic on everyone and so now

everybody in the

trailer now hears me and

so then he’d like

drop me off in

these interns

car and just sat there and talked

about fucking

sex in the city or something

i think i told you this i know

these little dudes that i used to kind of

it was a girl that was friends with

their little brothers

and they were big potheads in high school

and we used to hang around we were in college at

their house and

they’d always they were up to note like they’d grow in

their backyard they

tried everything

so they were making pot cookies one

night and they make them and they

leave them out

kind of a wealthy family they have like a maid and

everything they

leave the pot

cookies out because parents are always out of town

the maid puts them in baggies and puts them

in the cookie canister

dad comes home

grabs two cookies

two full cookies and eats them

rushed to the hospital

thinking he’s having a

heart attack

that’s hilarious

and i say to the kid like they’re telling me the

story i’m like

so did you tell him they’re like fuck no wow

that’s hilarious so did he ever figure out that he was

medicated like the

whole family

had a panic attack

yeah you know

one kid went to jail because

they dosed their

teacher up in school

they gave the

teacher pot cookies

i remember in high

school we used to always

try to sneak in

laxatives in our

teacher’s coffees and

stuff and then

i look back and i’m like that’s fucking rude

cause i mean i remember getting like

melting dangerous

and pouring the

whole thing

dangerous too

it’s evil i heard

about a fraternity once you know all

these dumb fraternity pranks

at where i was this college like george

mason when i was doing

a show there they go oh yeah we got this fraternity

that at the end of hell week they

they feed them spaghetti

they give them

this big spaghetti dinner that the like little

sisters make for them

and then they feed

them like chocolate pudding but it’s full of ex lacks

and then they make them

climb a tree

and they’ve got to

spend the night in a tree like

the top guy

gets to go to the top of the tree

and all the way down

so like if you’re an asshole

you’re down at the bottom so they’re shitting on

each other they’re just all shitty

like a tree fraternity

things are so disgusting

they’re just preparing you for just to be

fucked with

and being some cunty

group where you get to fuck with new people

just taking advantage of the people that have the

least amount of power

and the people that want the most from you

the only good thing

about fraternities was

going to their parties

and like fucking those

their sorority girls i did

stand up at a fraternity once i’m pretty sure

i know it’s supposed to i know i did a lot of college

a lot of college gigs and like

weird spots like

cafeterias and shit and rec rooms and

did one in the cafeteria

where i had a

stand on actual cafeteria tables

it was like that was the

stage it was a table it

stood on a cafeteria table

but one fraternity

stunt that i

heard that was the craziest was they made this guy

drink water and he died from

water oh yeah you

drank too much

water what’s that called

hypnotremia yeah

it’s premature

drowning yourself

yeah it’s not nuts though but you

drink out all your salt

and then you

dehyde like you

weirdly left

it almost happens with

this new starbucks size

jesus christ i’ve been

drinking this

iced tea forever and i’m

still only like

we are such

gluttons hold that up to the camera

for folks that

don’t see it at home this is the new starbucks 32

ounce and this is a

this is just an

iced coffee

or an iced tea rather yeah here’s the old size

and here’s the

other size and it’s

thicker too or bigger

it’s not only taller but it’s

wider wider

yeah i got that hit 32

ounces right

in a marathon i ran a marathon it

drank too much water

i panicked like you just shouldn’t change your fucking

habits but everybody goes oh you know make sure

you hydrate make sure you hydrate make sure you hydrate

so i drank like fucking like

ten bottles of

water before the race

like oh wow and

i knew i started pissing like so much

that i went

fuck i’m gonna piss all my salt out

so i went up to i

never thought

about that ever a day in my life i went up to a coffee

table and you know they

coffee and i go

i go to this

woman i go do you have salt packets

i need fucking salt i just want to down some salt

right big fat

black woman goes

who put salt in

their coffee

and i’m like

just give me fucking salt

and i knew it was

gonna fucking happen

and sure enough i hit like the sixteen mile mark

and i hit a wall i’d

never hit in my life

because i was just

nothing left in it i’ve

never heard of anybody doing that before i

never even thought

about i know a

woman died in i

think it was sacramento i want to say there was a radio

stop they did

where she had a

drink a lot of

water yeah that was like a year and a half ago

tears yeah and it was like we were

on the crosstown

radio station

you know we were on like one of

their competitor stations and they were telling us the

story like how

fucked up it was

you know that’s i remember

that shit man

death some water

woman who was

trying to win like an xbox for her kids or

something crazy

i think i was some northern

california sacramento i thought it was but

might be san jose

but northern

california whatever it is but just like

fuck man drinking

water drinking

water we’re so

bitchy we’re so fragile

this is there a dog out there that

could die because he

drinks too much

water no we suck

we’re such pussies

yeah but it’s that’s an anomaly

that’s like a

then you see guys that i know a dude

who this fucking

crazy dude that i

know from new jersey

who drank bleach

and he’s alive

he’s the dumbest

this guy went to penn

state and my friends all know him and they all talked

about him i finally got to meet him

and he’s just a fucking maniac he sells mack

trucks now i

think that’s what he does for a living wow and

they knew him

from this fraternity they’re like this dude

fell off the roof

four times everybody knows a guy like that and i’m like

why would you keep

climbing up there and they’re like they

would like put like signs don’t let him on the roof

he would still go up there and fall off so

they tell me he chugged bleach and i’m like

i did a shot of it or something

and i go i don’t

believe it i don’t believe it so i meet him one

night or i see him and i go hey dude

i go hey dude

i think his name is regan or something like

is it true you

drank bleach

he’s like yeah

and i go why

and he goes

cause it’s set on the bottle

if you drink this you will die

am i dead no

and that was like his

whole point

was fucking

philosopher

i know homeless people used to

drink rubbing alcohol

when they couldn’t get real alcohol

or something like that do you remember michael dukakis

yeah michael dukakis when he ran for president

who’s running for president and his wife

kitty dukakis

was such an alcoholic

that she began

drinking shaving

cream and and shit like that

yeah she she was

drinking like nutty shit

and she got rushed to the hospital believe is shaving

cream something you know

aftershave something nutty

do you work the stress factory in new jersey

i have vinny bran told me a

story i forget the

comic i think he was one of those like

famous prop comics

but in his day

was like a really bad alcoholic

and i’m like i

could be wrong with who the

comic is but

lenny schultz

crazy lenny

i don’t think it was

lenny cause i

think the guys

lenny’s not dead is he

i don’t know

whoever it is i

think is dead now but

lenny was really old

he went in fucking vinny’s office and

drank cologne

what like he came out and then he

smelled his breath and was like what the fuck is

wrong with that much of an alcoholic

the chicks have you

heard of it like when girls

fall asleep

with hair dryers in

their beds that’s like an actual

you know a lot of girls do that

to keep warm or something like that or the

sound of it and they

have you heard of that before they just full

blast hair dryer

in their bed in

their bed it’s actually a condition

what yeah that’s awesome people are so nuts man

this kitty dukakis thing

she was rubbing alcohol that’s what she drank

you know i thought she died

i guess she was rushed to the hospital i mean i

guess you can die but how

crazy is that this guy was running for president

just goes to show you how much your

world is falling

apart when you’re running for president

you know i mean how much

effort do you have to put into it’s a reason why

these guys go gray

like a year

after they get into office you know

the amount of stress and the

i mean he wasn’t paid attention to his wife at all

don’t you think you’d know

if your wife was

ready to drink rubbing alcohol

like baby how you feeling

thinking about

drinking some fucking

cologne what

let’s talk hold on

listen i can’t talk i

gotta run for president but

don’t drink cologne

i’ll be back in

twenty days

baby i’m talking

about drinking some rum

clone don’t

don’t drink my perfume

well she was

apparently she

was taking antidepressants or something to

she’d been taking an antidepressant prescribe

this is like antidepressants back in the fucking

eighties you know what were they

i’m amazed ground up bleaches

what did they

serve you in nineteen eighty nine for antidepressants

cocaine coca

cola what kind of

antidepressants

they have they didn’t have the good shit

just drink a coke

thorazine no that

wasn’t a franny

or something i don’t know

prozac right wasn’t prozac

one of the early ones

i don’t know

dude i know so many fucking parents that dope up

their kids i know two parents or

their kids are just wild they’re

crazy and the

parents don’t pay much attention to the kids

so the kids are on drugs that’s they

put the kids on some

medication you know

dogs people give dogs antidepressants dude

fucking anxiety drugs and my old neighbor she

still live down the

street from me

and you know i didn’t know her that much but you just

hi how you doing what’s going on

and her kid was you know always running around and you

know playing fucking

dragons and

swords like kids do

you know i always

gotta gotta get him on something there’s something

wrong with him i

gotta get i’m like there’s nothing

wrong with your kid it’s a kid

when kids are

fucking four and you work all day and you come home

they’re wired to the gills okay no one’s

watching what they’re eating they’re eating

candy all day

and they wanna go

crazy and go nutty

you’re just old

you forgot what it’s like to be a five

year old this is how five year olds are they’re fucking

crazy five year old boys are crazy

and she had them doped up and then this

other lady i know same fucking

thing her kid was wild

he was running around

crashing cars into

everything she’s like there’s something

wrong with him i

gotta take him to the doctor i’m like there’s nothing

wrong with your fucking

kid yeah fucking

kid so she’s got him doped up too you know it’s like

jeffrey it’s

amazing that that’s even

an option jim jeffrey said his mom used to wake him up

every morning with a

glass of orange juice

and ritalin

and she would just

open up like

he said he didn’t even know what it

was she just be like open up and just pop them in his

mouth and make them

drink it down

well you know when you develop a kid incorrectly

some people are just

mentally imbalanced that is a fact there’s some people

there their hormone

levels or their

chemical levels their

brain are just fucked up and they do need some help

but there’s

other people that just were

somebody raised them shitty

just did a terrible job barely fucking

paid attention to him and the kid developed all this

nutty behavior

and getting it out of someone

it’s way harder

to get something out of something someone

once it’s in there once they’ve already developed some

wacky patterns

or behavior and they have like a certain associations

very difficult to get that to change

what if you could just

you know it’s way easier to

raise them correctly from the beginning

to try to turn someone around once they’re fucked up

it’s like how many people that you know

that are a mess

that have fucked up lives ever pull it together ever

you know ever

so few but so few people

with anything i know a chick

who used to prostitute herself oh

and she was like the nicest girl in the

world i knew

two girls that kind of like went to prostitution

and there you

wouldn’t think

either these girls but she was doing like

craigs with

craigslist hooking and shit and um

she you know it had like the molestation

thing and all that fucked up stuff

and she went to therapy

and i said why don’t

you tell you know did you what’s your therapist say

about it and she’s like i don’t tell him

i’m like well

you need to tell your therapist

that you were molested

and all this

stuff and work on that shit

and she did eventually

and she’s like

married and i

think she and

her life is good

it she really is a product of like it actually

cleaned up that problem

people can do it man you can change it’s just you

gotta be fucking goddamn committed

staying on that trout

you almost have to become

addicted to changing

you know you have to like

get so and it has to get ingrained in you so deeply

after so long a time

that it actually becomes your new way of

thinking and your new behavior

i mean if you

just go back and look at yourself i mean if i had to

be myself at

21 i mean i couldn’t imagine if i had my 21 year old

brain today i

would be fucking insane i

you know i’d have nothing i

would never

light the house on fire i

would fucking

drive my cars over

cliffs i mean

i feel like last

night would happen in my

house i had my 21 year old

brain yeah you guys had some nutty ass podcast

on fuck what was i

gonna ask you i’m afraid to go to my house

so you never

finished what happened to you

in the most recent

pot thing where you

sent me a message yeah yeah

yeah i was in new zealand and

i i’d smoked a few times

arch barker

and i are really

good friends and when we’re australia we go to his

house and we just

and he’s another guy that’s huge in australia

massive he’s

like in australia he’s like chris rock is in america

right yes wow

like like dane cook

yeah that massive

like like crazy

sells every

ticket he puts out and i’ve

heard of him in america

he’s funny as fuck but it’s

crazy that cartoon the guy

he’s fucking hilarious and it

and he was doing well in america he’s

on flight of the conchords you know he’s got a career

here yeah it’s not that he’s doing bad but he’s a

superstar with a

superstar there and he loves it and it’s a

great place so he

splits his time there

no he’s there now permanently permanently yeah it’s so

crazy he said fuck it

he bought this great

house up in the middle of like

it’s out there and he’s got a farm and he just loves it

now you’re huge in australia too

but you want

to be over here more yeah i’d much rather be here

why is that

just you know i’ve got family here and

stuff and getting back the 15 hour flight’s not easy

it’s brutal

it is brutal

they fucking

crush you the

crusher spirit

those flights you

i fly i yeah

go there in

three weeks

i’m going i’m

going to are you

gonna be in town

i’m i leave

sydney like the day you show up oh really shit dude

could hook you up with some

yoshi ticket

what’s what

what day is your

um i got two shows because the

first show sold out you at the end and

morgan no no i couldn’t get in there there was a band

because the

ufc the what happens is the

ufc books their stuff

kind of like late

in comparison to like

stand up and concerts

like if you go to a concert

venue most concert

venues are book six

months to a year out so

for the ufc

it’s not that far out like

we don’t and we

haven’t announced

yet we got some shit announced

right now that’s in

april but there’s some

still some stuff and

march is up in the air and the may

stuff’s up in the air and the june

stuff is up in the air

some of them get

confirmed and some of them are

still up in the air

and the problem is

sometimes i don’t find out until like

maybe the latest

the earliest is

three months out

right three

months out it’s

tough to get a gig

cause they’re all all the

venues are booked on

friday and saturday nights

so it’s saturday

night i’m at rudy hill

wherever that is i know

rudy hill rsl

yeah i know it i know supposed to be in a fucking

neighborhood

i think you must be is a list promoting

the same people that promoted

the last time yeah

those are my guys yeah yeah yeah they’re

great yeah same guys yeah

you you pack that

place yeah sir the

first ones already sold out the

second one so and by the way

if you want to go to

mandalay bay this weekend it’s almost sold out friday

night at the

mandalay bay theater

and there’s

gonna be a it’s

gonna be ari shafir

and joe dia

so it’s gonna be fucking

crazy it’s a big

giant place but

i’ve been pimping

the tickets for a long time so it’s almost sold out

so um this is the the

place i’m doing in

sydney as the rsl club you

ever you ever working yeah i think

is it good yeah yeah yeah

you’re in it’s a it’s like it’s an rsl ourselves like

their retired service league

yeah which means it’s like their

veterans clubs

right and so it’s like a vfw you’re playing

so how come people

tell me to get the fuck out of the neighborhood

you think you

think you’re like fuck i’m playing a vfw

but in that

place they’ll

have a big fucking it must be pretty big what’s

it what’s this capacity i

think it’s like 800 so yeah

they’ll have like this theater within there like

but in every little town

they have these

rsls and it’s

where you go to drink

cheap before you go out at night

right and they got poking in italian club yeah

but why are they

telling me to get out of town because it’s probably

they said it’s

a shitty neighborhood yeah they’re like if you’re

gonna party don’t

party there get the fuck out of there

get back in the city why is it creepy

yeah it’s just a fucking suburb

it’s like playing like

if you were in clifton

clifton new jersey and you’re not

and you sometimes it’s fun

being the suburbs though sometimes it’s fun being those

weird fringe

places well they’ve got

you know they’re there

their rednecks

are called bogans bogans bogans so they’re like

crocodile dundee is that a no

they’re more like

they’re guys that are into like nitro

circus kind of shit

they’d call

they’d call them

against circuits like circuit

is that mean

nitro circus that

mtv show at the

pat dewitz and

travis pastrana

i’ve know that

the motorcycle

motorcycle jumping and all that oh yeah

so they’re just

like fucking you know guys like to have fun and

adventures yeah there

a lot of guys in australia fucking ride

motorcycles and they drive utes

which are like pickup

trucks as well

as a goddamn manly country

yeah extremely

goddamn manly what is that

about is it the prison colony

thing i think it has a lot to do with that has to

fucking beautiful

place man australia so gorgeous

and and i so like i serve

down there and the surfers there just

crush americans

are like really

every dude there

you think he’s a pro

like you’ll just go to hate

like some guy like hey you do you surf

and he’ll be like

yeah dude a little and you want to go tomorrow

you’ll go the next day and be like dude

you should be on tour like really fucking all amazing

well they love the ufc man

ufc sells out there in like fifteen minutes time every

every single time we’ve been there we’ve been there

twice but every single time

it breaks records sells out

quicker than anything

it’s fucking nutty and they love george sodoropolis

they’re one guy they got one famous

australian guy

he’s a fucking

great dude yeah he’s a top contender

right now in the ufc too

nicest fucking guy in the world

but he’s a perfect aussie just a fucking

savage they have

they have a real fucking like

they call them blokes

like a guy’s a bloke and they’re very blokey

and women complain

about it like in

sydney i always say that like

you can’t even talk to a

woman in a bar

cause the guys have fucked them over so badly

you go up to

go and be like hi she be like go fuck yourself cunt

and you’re like

really whoa what did i do and it’s not what you

did it’s what the last 20 guys that dealt with her did

so the girls are on the defense of and

cause the guys just it’s all

about your boys

but don’t they have a different

attitude towards sex in australia they’re much more

permissive much more

i would say they’re

pretty much

fucking everywhere

but america

that’s one thing you don’t realize

about america is how

i mean obviously

the middle east is

worse unless you’re a little boy

but in the middle east they love

to fuck little boys that’s an awesome time for them

but as far as

like european

countries we are so fucked up in

comparison to them like our

whole repression

all that shit that doesn’t

exist over there

they’re in argentina

south america

south america commercials yeah they’re

super long well i’ve

heard i’ve heard i don’t know how true this is i read

or it was in it was

statistic in

jesus camp did you see that film

it said two

thirds of america’s born

again christians

no that’s what

it said in the beginning of that film i don’t

think that’s correct i

think probably two

thirds of the people they talk to are

evangelical

you know finding the numbers

for 300 million people that’s so problematic

not only that you

gotta add in mexicans

you know cause there’s a lot of undocumented people in

this country and who knows how many it is i mean i’ve

heard millions and millions in california

alone so who knows how many it is nationwide

so knowing how many people

are actually christians and

evangelical christians or people

who believe the

earth is less than ten thousand years old you know

it’s the numbers are who the fuck knows what the i’ve

heard fifty

one percent believe the

earth is less than ten thousand years old

fifty one percent believe

in a biblical version of the bible

that’s fucked up

oh which by the way play that fucking clip i say yeah

god we have to play this clip bill o’reilly man

now by the way bill o’reilly went to fucking harvard i

think about

riley’s i think he’s a

troll i think he’s playing a character i think you

might be rob

almost pause i

think he’s he’s very clever as to what

like the kind of shit that

he supports and the way he supports it is so asinine

that it’s almost like he’s

trolling it’s almost like a

subtle parody

yeah here’s why i

think that i used to do

sports radio in new york city i was on

wwe which is

the station

opin anthony

ron and all that

i was the morning show with this guy

named sid rosenberg sid

sure i know

sid rosenberg

i do a show in

miami all the time sid’s

a sports expert

i knew fucking

nothing it was supposed to be like love lines

where he was the

expert and i was the comedian right

and sid wanted me to be an expert in

sports and i don’t give a shit about

what the fucking guy’s stats are so did he ask you to

learn the stats

no but there was constant conflict between the

two of us because how long did you work there for six

months and i was like i’m getting

the fuck out of here so he was telling you hey read the

sports book yeah and

he’d be like did you

watch the game last

night like no

and he’s like why not

i’m like i didn’t fucking want to you know and i’m like

just let me

fucking be funny

right i’ll be funny

and he’s like but you gotta be

funny about

sports i’m like no i don’t i just have to be funny

so man that always bugs me when i listen to

sports radio and they’re like and how

about mchenry

with the play in the

ninth does he

think that that’s

gonna get his contract extension

but don’t bump

but it made me fuckin like

cause i realized the only way you’re

gonna get ratings and be interesting

is i had to

basically take on a character

and i would sit there and criticize

these athletes and

these coaches

that i didn’t even

watch the fucking game people love

to do that by the way i

wouldn’t even

watch the game

and i’d be like jim fossil he’s a fucking

pussy did you

see what he did last

time did you say fucking pussy

i wouldn’t say that but i be like he’s a

can you put i said

pussy i’d go he’s a

pussy he’s a pussy

and the next

thing you know

you know all his fans are calling yeah

i’m gonna kick your ass man how

could you say that

how could it

and i would just try to incite people

to create radio

right and i

watch fucking bill o’reilly

and i’m like

he’s doing the same shit there’s no possible

way he might be he

we know i definitely

think he’s playing towards his

market he has a

market and he’s concocted this

this gigantic

conglomeration of retards and old people

that think that he makes sense

but this is one of the the most

troll like things he’s ever said brian

check this out

he’s talking

about the moon

this is on bill o’reilly

com you can find it on youtube

backstage conversation backstage with bill o’reilly

david beverly hills florida

what do you mean

when you refer to the tides when you ask

about the existence

of god science explains the tides

the moon’s gravity pulls on the

ocean okay how did the moon get there

how’d the moon get there

look you pinheads who attacked me for this

you guys are just desperate

how’d the moon get there how’d the sun get there

how’d it get there

can you explain that to me

how come we have that

and mars doesn’t have it

venus doesn’t have it

how come mars has two moons by now

how’d it get here

how did that little amoeba get here

call out there

how’d it do it come on

you have an order in this universe you have an

order in the universe

tye comes in

tye goes out okay

yeah the moon does it fine how’d the moon get there

who put it there

did it just happen

okay if we have

existence if we have life

on earth how come they don’t have it on the

other planets

but we just lucky some meteor do this

come on you know i see this stuff it’s desperate

science is desperate

it takes more faith to not believe

and to think that this was all luck

every all this human body the intricacies of it and

everything else all luck

than it does

to believe in indeed

two things i want you to do right now two

things i want you to do one i want you to go look up

bill o’reilly

scandalous voicemails

because he left a bunch of voicemails on his assistants

his assistants

phone about

rubbing her down with aloof of sponge and

fucking all kinds of creepy

shit and he wanted to paying her off

don’t you don’t you

think that bill o’reilly’s

the kind of guy that really needs to get really high

yeah and then

and then he

might go holy shit

i take back

i take back almost

everything i’ve ever said

yeah for sure he would

because it would

allow him a different perception that he probably has

never entered into if he does believe that shit

but it’s i don’t know if he does or

doesn’t i think he does

and this is why i

think he does i

think he does because he’s got a

tremendous ego

and i think you know he’s one of

those guys that

he’s he’s saying something all the time

i don’t think he

would say something all the time

unless he believed it

you know this this

whole thing i

think you know i

think he’s definitely

preaching to the

choir and i

definitely think he’s

trying to fit a mold

and trying to appease his constituents

all the people that listen to his show

but i think

it can’t be

contrary to what he really believes

because he’s got too big of an ego

for him to be on tv talking

about it all the time

eventually he’d implode he

wouldn’t be

able to deal with that if he really did have

an intelligent

argument that was

contrary to what we were saying

i don’t think he

would be saying it on the air i just

think his ego is too big i don’t

think he’s that genius

he’s not andy kaufman

he’s not some

brilliant trickster that’s fucking

fooling the

world i think

these guys they

start playing a character and then

they sort of like dice clay it

they become

the character yeah what’s number one dice clay

do you know the dice clay used to be andrew silverstein

by the way we’re

gonna try to get dice in the podcast too

i’m not hating i love dice

we had a great

talk with dice the

other day dice’s

kid is doing comedy dice’s kid is 20 wow

and dice is so proud

and his kid is fucking killing his kid’s like

learning yeah

it’s fucking

great what’s his

name what’s he go

by what’s his name bro

uh was it max

max yeah i think is it max clay

no i don’t i

think did you go by silverstein

anyway he oh i’ve seen his name around

dice used to be

andrew silverstein and then

the dice man

was like this character that he

would do on stage

along with a

bunch of other characters he

would do like

stallone and he

would do deniro

he would do all

these characters like all these

impressions and the dice man was one of his characters

well the dice man just became

his main character that became his

thing he did on

stage and then it became him off stage

you know and i

think that happens to guys like glenn beck

i think what happens is they

start out with this character

and they start out and then they get all

these people

thank you mr beck you make me so

happy and what you said

about jesus is so important to me and my family

and what you say

about our troops is so important to me and our family

and this guy

soaking in this love and he’s putting out a book

every three days this

motherfucker

and all of them are

about what’s

wrong with the left and what’s

wrong with society and what’s

wrong with being godless and what’s

wrong with this and

sarah palin’s the only hope for our country

and then they

start fucking believing it man because

the human ego

when you’re

the type of person that’s really selling something and

pitching something

and getting all this adulation for it

if you’re an egomaniac

which most people

into the public eye are

you know most people that get into a

position where they’re like a guy like that

where they have

an opinion show

where they’re on

stage every

day talking to people and broadcasting to millions

they get all this love and fan mail

it’s very difficult to be objective about that

it’s very difficult to

have a real honest way of looking at the way you

start looking

at it the way they want you to look out because this is

where the love’s coming from and then

beck turned into a fucking mormon

okay as an adult

as an adult

who by the way

obviously look you can say he’s

crazy and i

do but that guy’s got a high iq there’s no question in

my mind i guarantee you if you sat that guy down he’s

120 plus iq

you know he’s a

smart guy there’s no way

you can do that free ball mormonism

because he’s fucked up

no he’s not

look the intelligence

and balance are two totally different

things i’ve met some brilliant people

one of the i don’t want to say his name

a guy who used to design my website is

fucking brilliant but

completely insane

and totally imbalanced

i know a bunch of people

like that that are really really brilliant people

but i mean a mathematically brilliant

structurally

brilliant the way they can

break down complex

orders in society

but in their own life is just

chaos so wait so

you’re saying beck is brilliant yes i think he’s

absolutely brilliant brilliant in being a cunt

what he’s doing

is i think he’s a brilliant guy

manipulation

yeah brilliant manipulation brilliant acting

brilliant at playing a part

brilliant at

becoming the perfect

version of this guy that all

these retards need

cause i don’t

think it takes intelligence to be a manipulator

what he’s doing takes intelligence he’s free balling

every day he’s got

a big screen and he’s

breaking things down

and some of it makes

sense it’s like

20 or 30 percent of it i go

god damn it i

agree with glenn beck yeah well this is

ridiculous but i

think that those guys

when they get to that position

where there’s an

extraordinary amount of

success that they achieve

in one certain area i mean glenn beck’s

house is for sale in connecticut

and i looked at that shit online

it’s fucking giant

and it’s probably only for sale

cause he got a bigger one

you know he got a bigger

crazy one that guy’s selling literally

every time i go to the bookstore there’s a new glenn

beck book nobody makes me feel lazier than glenn beck

cause i’ve been

writing this goddamn book for a year and i can’t

and glenn beck puts out one

every 15 days

it’s fucking insane you know but

these guys i really

truly believe as a person who’s been

affected by fame

and been affected like

where i’ve had to look at my own

behavior and

analyze it and

that’s one of the reasons why i really got into

psychedelics and the isolation tank is because

i felt like there was an overwhelming

influence that

fame and the pursuit of fame has on a person

especially in hollywood

where you’re trying to make

things happen well you can

lose yourself in this

quest and i

think it happens to a lot of people

so i wanted to kind of analyze it

in myself and it took a long time for

me to get a hold of it from fear factor on there was

a long time in there

where i was like this is a

crazy thing here

how do you make sure that

what you’re doing is really what you want to be doing

how do you know that

what you’re doing is not what you

think people

would like to hear from you or what you

think you’re

gonna say and

do to get more work and to get more people to like you

i mean i’ve had conversations with really

successful people they say

you know i can’t do that because

i’m this and that and my images that and this and

like okay you’re not even doing you

you’re pretending

to be something else just so that you can

get more of the positive reaction that you’ve gotten

well that permeates

into your real life but what if that’s like

like i’m the

kind of person i vacillate off and i’ll look at one

thing and then i’ll have a different opinion

maybe a year

later on how i felt

about it and i question

intelligent

yeah but and as a as a performer as a comedian

my acts constantly

changing sometimes

i can’t do bits that i used to do because

i’ve changed as a person i

don’t feel that way and i can’t deliver them with truth

and i’m like that

would suck the fucking

be be locked into its were

off the air

it says we’re off the air

you string keeps on

fucking up but it’s on here it says we’re on the air so

it’s going off and on it’s

choppy for people

but i can’t get on right now

it’s on you see it yeah it’s on

do you see it

online what do you see online we have 13 17 viewers

it’s broadcasting

it’s recording see if you can see it on a browser

anyways who cares we’re talking about you

you know well i’m just

i accidentally unclicked it and i can’t get back to it

so so sorry go ahead

so people like

the ability to like change

well you’re and

to get locked into that character

would be terrifying for me i’m a control freak

and if that’s

where your income and i don’t have the

you know i’m

lucky enough that i don’t have

like a wife and kids but imagine if you got into that

where then you’ve got a

house and mortgages

schools and you’ve you’ve

bought into this character and all of a

sudden you’ve

changed as a character and you’re like fuck

i’m not that guy anymore i don’t feel that way i’ve

changed my way of

thinking but fuck i

gotta i gotta

still do that because people do change

people either become more conservative as they get

older or you know

start to realize shit

you know i’ve become more

liberal as i get older

yeah yeah well i

think as you become more intelligent

you realize that there’s a lot

more to things than people like to think

now everybody likes to

think it’s black and

white i have a lot of conservative ideas a lot of them

about gun control

about taxes

about a lot of different things

but i also have a lot of liberal

points of view too

especially when it comes to

things like gay

marriage and

that to me is one of the most frustrating

things when i see people get upset

about gay marriage

as if it’s somehow

another fucking affects you of two guys who obviously

want to be gay

no one’s got a gun to their head

no one’s saying if you’re not gay i’m fucking

killing your family you know no one’s doing that

they want to be

i find the people that are afraid of like bro this

shit is offline man

it’s on everybody i

can’t get on i know it’s having you

stream has some problems man when there’s

like you’re trying to get on it you have to refresh

it a few times whatever it’s on though so don’t worry

about that’s crazy

i walked out of the

actually when i worked with you down in

tampa or i was doing the the the

early and then you did like friday

night and you came in

right tampa improv

i came out like my

first night

it was like a wednesday or something

and there are

these guys out in the street

holding up signs and it was like

almost like that church from nebraska or whatever those

crazy fuckers that protest funerals

exactly in fact

and they were

holding up signs that god hates fags and blah blah blah

and i just walked out so the audience is out

there with me and i thought i’m just

gonna fuck with

these people

and i went up to this kid and i’m like how old are you

and he’s like i’m

sixteen years old i’m like you’re sixteen and you’re

dude go to an

arcade go try to get laid go fucking have a life

the fuck’s wrong with your

don’t listen to your parents they’re assholes

and i’m making everybody

laugh just making fun of this kid

but then i started some

older guy starts yelling at me and i go dude

stop you want a cock

in your ass so badly

what’s the old guy

yelling at you that you’re here

right now cause you hate yourself

i’m like you

wanna make it easy

just go suck a cock

it’s gonna change your whole life

you’re out here you’re doing the shit

cause you’re a homo

and you just don’t

wanna admit it

i’m like leave them the fuck

alone and go join them that’s what

you’re deep down you know you’re gay

and he’s like

you’re the devil you’re the

devil you’re here to and i’m like

no i’m here to help you dude go fucking suck a cock

it’s gonna change your life

i’m not joking the next

night i walk out it’s the atheist

holding up signs going

you know there is no god and god is bad and god created

you know there’s death and

and i go up to them and i go

you just fucking bad

yeah just fucking shut up

and go fucking have a beer somewhere you

why are you out here with

the fuck you’ve got your own religion of atheism like

i get it i get your belief you know

i don’t believe in

any kind of fucking

order or anything i don’t know what i believe

but go away

right fucking stop your religion of trying to yeah

people want to

believe anything

whether it’s they want to believe in republicans they

want to believe in god they want to believe in no god

i’ve had arguments with atheists

where it’s so

ridiculous you know like they’re saying

science disproves the

existence of god like

no it doesn’t

science doesn’t disprove anything

what science does is it

shows well first of all statistics and

things that can be measured

you know how can you measure what happens in the

afterlife that’s nonsense

how can you measure what happened

you know what the

birth of the universe is and how do you mean

how do we not

know that there’s something that’s far more

comp i mean i’m not saying that there’s a guy in the

clouds with a harp

but what i am saying is that

after smoking dmt

seven times and doing mushrooms all the times i’ve done

and all the times in the isolation tank

i’ve seen shit

way crazier than a dude with a harp in the clouds

and i’ve seen it many many many times

i think that

the idea that you can tell me what does and

doesn’t exist is fucking ridiculous

i cannot believe

people actually try to do that i’m like

how do we know that we’re here

right now or that we’re

you know there could be

something so complex

i always tell

people when they go what’s your belief on god i go

when my dog

looks at my computer my macbook

she can’t comprehend

the operating system

she has no she does not have the capability

and i believe that as humans

that’s how we are with the universe

we don’t have the fucking

capability we

might be the most intelligent species

but we’re not intelligent enough

to understand

something that

doesn’t mean anything

it’s like being the the baddest worm this worm is so

smart look it

knows how to get around this pebble

you know it’s really it’s

ridiculous the

idea that we can figure it out i mean this is

complete and total

stoner talk but

the idea that

we can figure out the fucking universe you know

did you find the bill o’reilly

this stuff no it’s not on there

it’s not a video bro

it’s not a video it’s an

audio right well

i think they just transcribed

me i saw it on

washington post and

stuff but it just kind of talked about it

did they have the transcriptions though no

hey i want to

change subject for a

second did you

bobby lee on here yesterday yeah

did he get naked for you

two days ago

fucking he got on our podcast and we

could not get him to keep his

clothes on really

yeah he was just fucking rubbing his dick on

everything and

he is so fucking much more sedate

i know what you guys fed him over there

i think he was you know

fucking have you ever told your

story that you did at the

storyteller

anywhere else

other than that show no that was the

first time i ever told it you

should talk

what story is that the

whole time you that

urban oh the

black show yeah

you wanna tell that

story i’m not afraid i mean

it’s not racist on my part what happened

it’s hilarious you

just took a chance yeah i went to suny

it was called suny farmingdale

it was a state

university new york and farmingdale long island and

my manager at the time i

think i’d only been doing comedy

maybe three years

three or four at the most

i i was in new york city

and my manager at the time

jason steinberg do you know jason yes

jason but and i’m only telling his name

because i want to burn them on this okay jason

at the time had mostly

black comics

and all his

comics were like def jam

and doing really well and

so like some

great great comics

he represent a lot of really good

guys tony woods career barnes all

these guys were doing really well time and were

big in that like

so he was always booking

these events for like

black shows and i get a

i’m begging for work

cause i don’t have any work at the time

and i hear him i’m in his office i hear him go oh

oh yeah so you need a comic yeah

yeah and it’s not a def jam show

right you sure

yeah okay i

think i got the guy 500

bucks and i’m like

five hundred

bucks fuck that’s

the most i’ve ever gotten paid for a gig

and i was like

i want this fucking gig

and he goes all

right you’re

going out to suny farmingdale

train takes you

right out there it’ll be like ten dollar train ride

he’s like it’s

you’re you’re the intermission of an auction

and i’m like what and he’s like yeah

yeah yeah it’s traditionally this is like an urban room

but it’s just this auction it’s

gonna be like alumni and stuff

and i’m like alright

i go out there

on the way out tony woods do you know tony woods

yeah tony tony and i are sharing

subway he’s a really good friend of mine he’s going dog

don’t fucking go dog

they beat up

ralph harris

they beat him up on

stage and i’m like what he’s like

they’re gonna kill you god

damn dog don’t go

so why don’t you listen it’s five hundred

bucks i go no but it’s an auction

it’s different i’m in the intermission it’s an alumni

thing right so i go

get there i see the

line of people waiting to go in and it’s not just an

urban show this is fucking like

urban tony told me he goes dude

bro he goes there

they’re caribbean black

he’s like caribbean

black are the guys that

they kill me

cause i’m american

black he’s like

they’re gonna fuck you up and i’m like no no no

he’s like trust me

so i see the line of guys

going in everybody’s gone on

fubu you know like

jerseys right and timberland’s

every single dude

in the crowd baggy

jeans by the way

fubu stands for

for us by us yeah

and i’m like

which is you know

kind of like

separatist as it is

it’s pretty

funny when joey diaz

wears that yeah sure

so i go this is how long ago this was i go to the pay

phone and all

right page jason

steinberg and he calls me on the pay

phone and i go

jason i’m fucking out of here

i’m out of here

and he goes you’re fine you’re fine

you just be

funny i’m like no this

doesn’t look good he goes no you’re

gonna be fine

so i go into the auditorium

security goes what are you doing i go i’m the comedian

security goes fuck you’re the comedian i quit

because i’m out of here

i’m out of here

cause he knows what’s

gonna happen so the security guy saw you is a

black guy that was yeah and he’s just

like he just says fuck this was he serious was

he totally serious

they call this gig the little apollo

oh my god and so i’m like fuck so i go back to the

phone i call

jason again i go

jason i’m leaving i’m leaving

i’m just not doing it i’m

gonna die he’s like

eddie you’re funny

he’s like just get up there and do what you do

and i’m like

so i i’m so nervous

you know when you’re so nervous

there’s no chance of you doing well

right and i go awkward so i go down in the the mc

goes what do you what do you want to come out to

i’d never come out to

music before i’m like that’s

hilarious what do you mean you got any led zeppelin

i was like free bird you know like what the fuck like

my name is michael

i’m like off the

magic drag i don’t fucking know what

and they’ve got a dj on the side

and i’m like

and i would you come out to well i don’t follow any rap

music at all

especially at that time i came from like a

place called fox chapel and i

would come out to fuck the police

i didn’t know what that

and at the time i

i wouldn’t i

know i had the

shitty night

rider kelly

is a good one i had the shitty

night rider joke about how

kit was gay it was a gay car

and he was like

ellen at the

time was like coming out and i go she’s not the

first gay character kit

from knight

rider was gay and

he’s like michael

michael i’m

gonna pick you up in a minute and

so i was like i’ll

do the kit joke and i’ll come out to the knight rider

rap song by the way get r

kelly the zoo

get that pull that shit up yeah yeah

i don’t know we’ll just we’ll edit it out later

you need we need this just trust me

just pull it up on the side

so so i go backstage and

what they’re doing

is they’re auctioning off dates with students from the

school so girls

money girls

and guys and guys like

a guy will come out and he’ll

and all the dudes are backstage

lifting doing foot

pumping up doing push ups and they’ve got dumbbells

so they’re getting a couple

and they’re putting

baby oil all over

their bodies taking their

shirts off and they’re

black as tar

yeah and and they are no one ever

making black everyone’s

ignoring me like what the fuck are you doing back here

oh my god and i

swear to god

i grab one of the bottles of rum that they’re

drinking and i just

start chugging rum

cause i’m like this is i’m terrified so i

i just start

sculling down this rum and

there i saw one

chick there the one

white chick and i’m like she’s really fucking hot

so they’re watching dates with the guys and the girls

the guys will come out they’ll just like flex

and everybody will bid

and then the girls will come out and do like a

striptease act they’ll

bring a guy i’ll put him in a chair

and grind on them and do like a lap

dance right

pour whipped

cream and do all this shit you know

and they’ll go

crazy but they’re bidding

they get dinner at puff

daddy’s restaurant

p diddy had a restaurant in new york

they get dinner at his

place they get a limo ride to new york and a

broadway show

if they win the date

and they’re

bidding and i

swear to god dates are

going for like

seven dollars wow

and watch it do i hear five

no way sold

could you bid

could you bid no

no and i’m looking at the hot fucking

white chick

going i want a

bid well backstage and she has to go out on a date

with a guy yeah yeah one of the guys is just disgusting

well this is

where it gets creepy

so the finale

i’m gonna be the intermission then the finale

is this black stripper

and she comes up to me and she’s like hey you’re

the comedian i’m like yeah she’s like my name is heaven

and i’m like hey heaven

that’s awesome

and so we start

talking she goes you gonna

stick around and bid on me

and i’m like and she

thinks i’m like this

and i was that

because you told her that

i don’t know i’m like

i can’t think

about her she

starts talking to me i actually let me get a little

taste i actually said to her get away from me

cause i was so scared

cause all the guys were

checking her

out and i’m like i just don’t want any problems

so you thought you were

gonna get problems

cause you were talking to the

black chicken for a

black guy yeah

yeah and they’re giving you the mad dog

look so i’m just like

i’m just gonna fuck so has

anybody said anything to you any guys no one they’ve

just white fear

they’ve yet total

has been negative you got you

understand i grew up in a place

where there was like my high

school probably had like one black guy

and you know his

last name was huxtable

and we i ran

track all through college and i was a

sprinter but i was separate like i didn’t

hang out with like my

white friend

and i wasn’t

so like when i

moved to new york and i

started to become friends with all the

black comics it was like a

total new world for me

but this was like putting me in

i was out of my comfort

zone okay so what’s your opening line

my opening line

i miss my cue to go out

and they’re yelling for me oh god

and i’ve rewritten

all my jokes you know when you do that

i read panic

yeah and i go

out this is

not good i’m not confident in this

and i stumble almost trip onto

stage and they’re already

the mc had been

going where my dogs at and guys are woo woo

woo and they’re running to the

front of the

stage when he does it and all putting

their hands up in the air

and i come out and i go hey

oh what happened before i came out they auction off the

white chick right

the bidding goes up to like 350

and every black chick in the

place is about

to fucking rush the stage

stabber and i’m like there’s

gonna be a ride in here and i’m with the black

and i’m like the

other white guy so i’m

going down with her

what a black girl saying

they’re they’re pissed off they’re screaming

and they’re going you know do i hear

and so intermission happens they call me out and i

think my opening line i think i said something

about they’re gonna be a riot when they bid it on the

when they were bidding on the white chick

and i go you know i was like and i get a little bit

laugh i get a little bit of a laugh

and there was some creepy dude that was bit like an

older dude who was bidding i made

for a black guy

a black guy

though i said it was like a pedophile and they kind of

laughed at that

and then i said

you guys what are you doing with auctions didn’t you

learn your lesson with auction years ago

and i think it’s kind of

funny and i

think like i’m

gonna get a laugh like

like kind of like oh he’s an insult come

and i hear like oh

and all of a

sudden another who

and i wasn’t

quick enough to keep

going and i just

paused i paused and then you let them just leap on

you started

building it was like a wave of booing to where it

started to like

get this motherfucker off the stage

and people start

throwing shit and i

swear to god

i hear get that fucking wait

get your white

motherfucking

ass off the

stage before i kick your

white motherfucking

and i’m like

standing there

and i’m i’m kind of like in this like all of a

sudden i get hit in the head with a cup

a crumpled up coke cup

and it pisses me off

and i go who the fuck through that

who and i don’t know why but you know you get that rage

and it’s like all

the shits happening to me i’m like a dog that’s been

shit so much i just

start biting everyone

right i go who the fuck

who the fuck through that

and some guy goes i did

i go fuck you wanna

throw something come on fucking

throw something at me oh fuck the kid

starts running towards the stage

and there are fold out

chairs in the

front he picks one of them up and

throws it on the stage

and i’m like

at that moment i go i’m

gonna fucking die

and they’re pulling cushioning out of the seats and

throwing it at me

and they’re booing so loud

now here’s what’s hilarious

about eddie yeft

this is what he says to me when he tells me the

story at the beginning of the day he goes

now if it happened

today i’d totally be able to be fine with it

he’s like i’d totally be able to make it funny

comedians always

wanna think that

i have some ruthless bombs in my past

and i have gone over

these bombings

and said man if i

could just go back and redo it

this one time i bombed

after jim brewer

it was the worst bomb of my entire career it was

devastation

i think i’ve talked

about this before i don’t remember i talked

about it on the podcast did i yeah i

think so brewer

we worked together all weekend and i

could barely follow him

you know this is like

i’d only been doing comedy

maybe three years

maybe three or four years

and he was just too

strong to be a middle

and i really wasn’t a headliner i was a fake headliner

i could do 45

minutes but i had to tell my joke slow

you know what i mean i couldn’t

so like when he was on

stage and brewer

used to do his bit

about going home and

he was hammered and his

mother turned into a

demon and it was

really loud and really animated and he was just

now sometimes a dude just gets in the zone

and brewer used to get in these

crazy zones man i used to really

enjoy watching him perform

because he could just

just his physical

performance his physical

you know his

presence on stage

fuck he just

would nail it and this is one time man

we had been

doing all weekend so we’d done two shows friday

one show saturday this was a late show saturday and

brewer just

knocks it out of the park

and there was a

bunch of shit

going wrong in my life at the time

one i had just torn my acl

so it was for the

first time in my life i couldn’t work out i

had never not worked out so i had all this tension

that i didn’t know how to deal with

you know like for me

my whole body from the time i was like

14 years old to the time i was

this would happen when i was 22 or 23

my body had been designed just

to constantly be working constantly be exerting

all this energy whether it was in kickboxing or

wrestling or something

there was like

this constant

and that was the only way i coped with stress

that was gone okay

and i had moved from new york to boston so no acl

it blows out and

moved to new york

or from boston new york

i have no friends i don’t know

anybody there i’m living with my grandfather and my

grandmother my

grandmother

was dying of

an aneurysm she had an aneurysm they gave her 72

hours to live she

lived for 12 years

okay and i’m staying in

their old house that they bought

in 1945 in newark new jersey

which is now in a war zone

i mean while

i’m there the next door neighbor’s door gets broken

down with a battering ram they arrest him for selling

crack i mean

no joke man

it was a scary

scary neighborhood

it used to be an italian neighborhood then it went just

total total chaos

so i’m staying in the

house and grandma like

she died both of them are dead now

but back then

she couldn’t move she was

completely paralyzed

she would get bed sores

and she could feel some things

and sometimes she

would just let out

these souls

almost like

she was emptying herself of the pain and the

only way to do it was to let out this horrible screech

so i’d be in the house

and i’d be like wandering around

maybe i’d go to the

kitchen and grab something to eat and i’d hear

it was like an animal

like a wounded animal she couldn’t die

she was so resilient

she had those italian peasant genes

and she was just so fucked up

but yet she hung in there for like 12 years

so i’m living in this

house right

and i just broken up with my girlfriend

and my manager

god bless i’m a

great guy but it was back in the day

where we talked about

when you’re

not doing so well that everybody has advice for you

and his advice was

you should dress nice

like you know you’re a good looking guy i should

dress nice on stage

so my stupid ass

i’m wearing

these like nice

pants and a nice belt

and like a club

shirt that you

would go out clubbing and

i had a nice head of hair back then it was delicious

and i’m wearing

shiny shoes and shit

and i just look like the fucking biggest asshole

i just look like

some club shithead

some goofy italian cunt that’s 22 years old that

doesn’t know anything

about the world

right and i’m on

stage and i

fucking i am

panicking i remember

brewer got off

stage and the mc

was about to

bring me up and i was off

stage when brewer came up

and i remember he said

he said have fun up there have fun they’re great

and i go i’m

gonna fucking eat it

i remember saying it to him like

dude i’m not fucking confident

right now i’m not feeling good

right now oh you’ll be fine you’ll be fine

and i just i just

was not prepared i just went up there and i went into

flames just went

into one girl i remember what girl in the audience goes

i was just eating

dick up there and i was editing my material

and chopping the jokes as i go

along and one girl goes

you’re kinda hot but you’re not funny

and there’s nothing you can say when you know that

that’s true not that i’m kind of hot but that i’m not

funny and another guy goes

you fucking suck

you fucking suck he’s just big meathead you see

i snap nothing i

could say he was

right i fucking sucked i knew i fucking sucked

there was nothing i can do

and i was supposed

to do 45 minutes i went up doing like 30

i got a few

laughs i started getting a few laughs

but they were so shaky it was just

the worst set ever the

worst bombing ever and i

still to this day will go back in my head

that’s fucking

twenty years ago this my gig

still to this day the

worst one i’ve

ever had and you go back and you like replay

it over your

head okay i

could have said this

the heat that goes through your body when you

there’s like people don’t

understand when you’re bombing

there’s a there’s a hot like

flash you almost get hot flashes

so i’m having it when the guy

threw the that

knocked me out of my

aggression when the

chair came up onto the

stage i was like

okay i’m not

gonna fight a

crowd and and i

gotta get the fuck out of here

the girl on the side of the

stage that that booked me is

going get off

get off and i

think this is i was supposed to do like

forty minutes and i

think i’m at forty five

seconds or something or four minutes i forget it was so

short she’s

gonna get off get off and i go

this is how badly i wanted the money i go

where’s my check

oh my god from the

stage but no one

could hear me even with the

microphone they’re booing that loud

i just looked aside i go

where’s my check i go

am i still getting paid

and she’s like

yes yes and i went no i want to see the

check i want to make sure

why you’re on

stage because i always was

under this thing

impression like

you have to do your time to get paid

and they’re getting me off before my time

so are they

gonna like not pay me

so i want that 500

and i’m going

i was willing to

stand up there for

thirty five more minutes and take the

abuse i wanted the

money so badly

and don’t you

think though that you

learn so much

about those

about your your comedy from bombing

so you think that’s like the

ultimate yeah

it’s the ultimate school

fuck yeah and i

right then i said i go

let me see the

checks they went and got the

check that’s

it that’s why i was up there four and a half minutes

they had to go get the

check come back and then you got off

stage i get off

stage and they

rush me out the back

door like people around me because they’re afraid a

riot’s gonna start

we go out the back door

the stripper

is waiting there and

and she’s smoking

weed with a couple guys out there and she goes hey

where you going

and i’m like

you didn’t see what just

fucking happened she goes yeah that was some bullshit

and i’m like

so she can stick around though

you know and

bid on me i go

are you fucking kidding me

are you fucking

kidding me do you

think they would have let it go

the audience members

would have forgotten i don’t know

but i got her

phone number

she gave me her

phone number she’s like give me a call sometime

and i get in the car remember

this is like nineteen

ninety seven or ninety

eight that this happened or whatever

the guy drives me to the

train station in a tr seven

nice and it’s this little

black triumph

and he’s so fucked up he’s been

drinking so much rum

and he’s driving like a hundred

miles an hour and i’m

going cause he wants to get back and i’m like dude

slow the fuck down

slow the you’re

gonna kill us

and he goes

man you suck

he’s like you are terrible

and i’m like shut the fuck up and he’s like

no man like i’ve seen comedians

you’re the worst i’ve ever seen

and he’s driving me to the

train station tell me how bad i am

and he’s a black dude yeah

and i get on the

train it was the most

racist i’ve ever been in my life

cause i’m just looking at

every black person like blaming them for what happened

but i can imagine they living your

whole life like that but welcome to being

black but i get home

and at the time i was living with people

constantly fucking with you yeah

so i mean it was like the river

i i learned

right that that was a

great learning

experience i get home i’m living with my sister

and at the time

and this goes back to like answering

machine time like people had answer machines and no

cell phone well

i must have called

i don’t even remember calling the stripper

but i must have

because my grandfather dies

and we’re on the way

to my grandfather’s funeral we

had already just done the viewing or whatever when you

go then we’re from church and you go to the cemetery

right we’re

going to the cemetery

i mean my dad had one of

those like he had a cadillac i remember with

a car phone

built into the car nice and it’s my dad my mom and like

two of my sisters and me and

my sister decides to

check her voicemail

the answer machine at home and puts it on

speaker and she listens to the stripper

and this i swear to god it comes on because

it’s like next message

beep hi eddie

this is heaven

the stripper you met out at suny farming

jail calls yourself a stripper

i’m just returning your call

and my sister looks at me and goes

at pappap’s funeral

that’s what his name was pappap

is really at pappap’s funeral that’s hilarious

that’s great don’t you don’t you

think though that you like your comedy makes

these big leaps

after these horrible disastrous

bombings yeah you

absolutely have to go through it i get

fired up even if i see like a bad review online

like i’ll read

ten great reviews

of like a show that i was at and then one guy says i’m

still waiting for my first laugh fucking suck

and i just get like a little anxiety like man i

gotta work harder

but see i’m for

one like one bad one well i

think that shit’s

good for you i really do i’m different i

and i don’t want to blow

smoke up your ass but i

like i’ve said i need good

comics to inspire me and i see so much shit

comic and i saw you one

night working out

and i was like

fuck fuck he’s

going deep he’s

going deep and he’s not afraid and he’s fucking

like when you’re doing the

monkeys were just a

bunch of monkeys on a rock

spinning through and i’m like fuck

and i just went

fuck i gotta go home and write fuck

like one of

those like well that’s awesome i said to you

after the show i go fuck you and i

had to hurry home and

start like just

and i like to

watch really good

comics like

i’m one of these

comics i love

when i get to pick my middle act i love to

bring the best fucking comedian i can

bring dude i go on the road with joey diaz

and does he just not joey

diaz is the funniest guy that’s ever walked a face

of the earth

i’ve never laughed more

at anybody ever in my life

23 years of being a comic

have you ever met anybody funnier than joey

no i mean it’s like a cartoon

he’s just explosive

with energy he just makes you

happy and he just

it makes you

funnier too he makes me funnier i’m funnier when i work

with joe that’s how i feel better yeah that’s how the

brian mccarthy is i feel the same way

but what you said

i saw dave chappelle once

at the comedy

store and i felt the same way i want to go home and

write i’m totally inspired by

great comics too

i saw louis at the

improv in hollywood lu

ck and i wanted to go home and

write was really

great performance and norton recently

i saw norton at

cap city and austin fucking

great and that same feeling i want to go right

but i also get inspired by people who don’t like me

yeah yeah even fucking you know haters online

i can get a million people who love me dude it’s the

greatest fucking show i’ve ever seen it’s amazing

and i’ll let one person

was like you know

fucking hang it up

stick to ufc oh what

bitch you know

i’ll get like

fired up to like i have to zone them work harder

it’s good to zone

them out but

it’s good to be humble

i really believe i

mean it’s a bad

feeling to have someone negatively critique your work

it’s a terrible feeling but i

think there’s something to it that’s good

for an artist

there’s something that keeps you

sort of humble and balanced

especially in

this direct

adulation relationship that you have with an audience

you’re immediately giving them

what they wanna hear and they immediately

laugh and they tell you how much they love you

you can get imbalanced by that you can get lazy

i mean we both know

comics that got fuckin

super super lazy

and one of the reasons is like

you know they’re not

for whatever reason

there’s not enough balance you know

they got to a

point where

it was too easy for them

too many people being nice to them and they just

they lose it

chris rock once had a really important

thing that i read

where he was talking

about how he bombed really hard once

going on after martin lawrence

martin lawrence

which i did too by the way

a bunch of times at the comedy

store when i was

a fucking when i was on

hardball the show that nobody ever saw on fox

i would go on

after a lot of guys at the comic

store mitsy shore

god bless her did

a tremendous amount for me

early in my career and one of the

things that she

did for me she always put me on the most devastating

comedians in the night

right on after them

like dice clay

i went off to dice clay a hundred times

richard pryor

i went on after richard pryor

when he was in a

wheelchair when he couldn’t even talk for five weeks

every time martin lawrence

would have a

set this is back when martin lawrence had the tv show

he was a fucking destroyer

royer i’d never seen an aston martin

either martin lawrence is in the back parking lot with

an aston martin i was like what the fuck is this thing

like me and a couple other

comics like circling around i was driving a volkswagen

sharako was like

scratching my chin like what the fuck is this man this

thing’s crazy

and martin would just

devastate the main room i mean devastate

when martin lawrence was in his prime

that guy does not get enough respect

because if you go back and

watch like some of his old

stand up he’s just

fucking funny

and that show martin

dude that show is

the writing was like non

existent but he

carried the whole show

with all his characters and he pretended to be women

he’s fucking

funny yeah and i

would be backstage same just like the brewer

night i mean at

least i’d been past the brewer

thing like it happened like a couple years before that

so i had like

recovered i knew how to like get out of the gates

strong but 90

black audience you know

and i’m just just

ready to go on

after him and he’s

crushing crushing

and then he’s like who’s coming up next

he has to bring me up so martin lawrence

brings me up

he calls over to the piano guy

piano guy says joe rogan

he goes alright

y’all give it up for this next comedian mr joe rogan

very nice guy says

and i just go up and

eat a bag of shit

of just a big manure

bag that you

would buy like at a fucking farm depot

you know just

filled with shit i’m just chewing up there

and people getting up in

droves and leaving

but all that

stuff makes you way better

it makes you a way better

comic because you realize you don’t ever

wanna make that

feel that feeling it’s like

you feel the

fire behind your feet and it makes you run faster

like you’re only

gonna run a certain amount when you’re not pushed

i feel like

it’s funny like said

sometimes i just go i’m shit i suck now blah blah blah

but i don’t realize

that i don’t have the ability to bomb like that anymore

i mean it can happen in a bad situation

now like something really fucked up happening but like

i used to have to new york you know million times

esty used to

do at the seller she just wait and put you up

after the hardest person

to make sure you were

ready for it i had to throw

attell forever

every night

in the cellar and that’s how i got so dark because

attell would

just his jokes were so amazing

and so dark too that it was like

i had to go to a darker

place than him

right james

had to like

pick up the

frequency where he

leaves it off

and i remember just bombing so bad in the cellar

that i would just start

start just like

what’s fucking freestyling just saying the

worst things i

could say like talking

about killing

babies and shit like trying to

get out of this horrible hole that i would just

shock the fuck out of the audience it

never works

and it was like

that never works

it was almost like if you go into a zone though

of like i’m

gonna pretend like they’re not here and i’m just

gonna just keep saying this shit and hopefully they’re

gonna come around because this is so painful

i’m in this terrible terrible bomb

i mean i had

like i watched you on what was it

a amp e evening at the end

caroline’s comedy

hour that’s

where i saw you

first when i

was like a little kid that i didn’t even do comedy

and i’m like

watching you and you were dirty

i remember you and

sarah were on it and

sarah was dirty

and so as a little kid i’m like

these are good

comics these two

these are comedians

it was so hard for me back then they even come up with

seven minutes of material that i

could do on tv

i would have to sit down and go over my shit i

was like god i can’t do that bit i can’t do this but i

might had an hour material

i might have five i

could do it but i couldn’t

imagine you bombing because of the way your act was

like you had the

confidence and the dirtiness

and everything so i was like

this guy can’t bomb it’s not

so you probably had a lot less bombs than i’ve had

wow well yeah

well you know i’ve had a

bunch man i don’t know

about that i don’t know how many you’ve had but

especially at the

store i had a gang of them in the

early days when i was

going on after

you know like really good

comics over and over and over

again i had a

quite a few bombings yeah

but the early days were way

worse the open mic days were

fucking brutal

because you’re

really not supposed to be up there talking

you’re really not good enough and then look brian

has been doing

stand up he’s been

doing open mic

nights just for a

short period of time

so you’re in that

kind of zone area

where you’re

learning it and

figuring it out you’re in that

stage of your life

where sometimes

you know i’ve seen you go on

stage and you’re trying out a new joke and it just

doesn’t work and you’re just

fucked you know you’re just

stuck in this rut

you know you’re

right there

right now right

well i had a horrible

thing the other day where

somebody i knew

was sitting in the front row

and they thought

oh this is awesome

you know i couldn’t

say talk to

brian while he’s on

stage and so the

whole time she’s just like making me going meow

meow like that or

like i said something like oh i just

broke up with my ex

i hate that

bitch and she’s like oh whatever you’re not over her

and i said it loud enough

where it kept on

like fucking me up and then it just

throws you off and i felt it

i felt way off my

tracks you know but

i never feel i

haven’t really felt like

bomb where you

gave me anxiety

except for that

because i had to go on

afterwards and i was like this

bitch gonna talk to me

right fuck she

gonna talk to me too like she’s like

yeah but i don’t want to

i don’t want i’d rather not you know people always

say oh you know you’re so good

with hecklers you must love it when people talk shit no

i want everybody to have fun

i don’t want

to have to ruin someone’s mind the bob hope joke

that one that talked a few times on the podcast before

when i did that

and i was booed and

hissed i took off comedy for five years

you know so it’s

a funny joke

bob hope died he goes did you hear bob hope died

yeah they’re

gonna fly out his body to

entertain all the dead troops

that’s hilarious the day

it was the day he died though

and it was like

right during like you know

after posts you got some more

jokes i say what my favorite joke of yours is

the ones you doing

right now okay but your dog

he goes i have a

bunch of cats and dogs from

other relationships

it’s like whenever we

break up i keep

their cat i keep their dog

he goes and they all have the same

personality as the girls that i was dating it’s really

funny like all of them hate it when i come in

their face now i

break it down to eat you

there’s a cutie

and chris wayne

house from australia i

think he’s a kiwi but he lives

in australia and he’s really dark and really funny

really good

job what’s a kiwi

new zealander

oh and his name is chris

wayne and he

writes jokes he

writes a ton

here on twitter

i don’t know his name on twitter but he

writes tons of jokes all the time

he did a joke

about the crocodile

hunter the day the crocodile hunter died

and somebody in the audience yells out too soon

and he goes too soon

i would have done that joke on the fucking boat

i said something

about the crocodile

hunter when he died and i actually felt bad about it

and the reason why i felt bad

about it was some you know

what i said was

i go he dies

i go my act gains 10 minutes i don’t see the loss

you know that’s what i

wrote on a message board

and i just you know

flipping like you know comics

we’ll say shit like that

just to fuck with each

other like you ever done the opening anthony show

no never done it

great fucking show and it’s

everyone tries to say that like louis

ck will say the meanest

shit to norton who’ll say the meanest shit the ob

they say the meanest

shit back to but it’s not real it’s like

you’re trying to get laughs

and someone said you

know hey man this guy has like a family and children

what if his children read that and i went oh shit

and i thought

about it i’m like okay i don’t even really

think that i don’t even really believe

that right and i was really mad at myself because i

would have totally written a crocodile hunter bit

if it wasn’t for the fact that i felt bad

that i said that

which was a very

short sighted and it wasn’t really even

funny it was just like

a quick easy

cheap like jibe

and i thought

about it and i said god damn

it i fucked myself out of a good crocodile hutter bit

right because for sure that’s

right up my alley

you know like i’m fucking

no one’s more fascinated by predatory animals than me

and when a dude

who fucks with animals his entire career

look at the

snake i call him in his head

when a guy like that

fucking gets killed by an animal i mean

there’s a fucking wealth of material there i said in

australia in australia i said before he died

i watch the show i go i

they all think america loves the crocodile

hunter they

think we all most of us do

but it wasn’t like

because they’re not as into him as we are really

no not at all

they all kind of

think he’s a

freak and they’re not that

do australians have a

thing about

australians who become

famous somewhere else and it’s called

poppy syndrome they

they try to cut down the tall flower

yeah because jeffries was

pissed because he

would go back to australia and people

wouldn’t buy tickets to his show

you know he’s like i’ve got a fucking hbo special yeah

it’s that’s my

worst jeffrey’s accent ever

he doesn’t have a lot to complain

about right now

things are going

well he’s doing great but

my joke was i’m

watching the show

i go i admit i

watch the show and i watch it

every day hoping

every day will be that day

because it’s

gonna happen

you know you put your head in fucking crocodiles

mouth and mouth

and then when he died

it was like a

funny joke everyone used to

laugh at it then when he died my

my agent over

in australia called me goes mate you’re fucked

i go what he goes

they’re playing your clip on the radio

and i was like

oh no so they were playing like

these two like dish jaw djs were

playing at this one station they thought it was kind of

funny just playing my bit over and over

right so i got

i thought oh this is fucking i’m dead

in america you know i

would have been had gone into hiding yeah but ozzies

were like ozzies

wrote to me like mate you fucking

you’re fucking

champion mate we’re listening

it’s fucking hilarious and i was like i

wanna go to australia more

these guys are fucking cool

fun man you know what i love they call you a legend

you’re legend

champion and a

legend they sit

in england all the time you’re

legend mate you’re

legend you’re a

legend mate

alright speaking of

legend before we get out of here i

found the bill o’reilly

thing and i got to read it because it’s so fucking

ridiculous when everything

about bill o’reilly no matter what

if you think

about his opinions

this is what you need to know

and this is some fucking voicemail that he left

from some woman

her name was andrea

mccarris and she sued him for

sexual harassment

and this is what

he goes you

would basically be in the shower

and then i would come in

and you would have your back to me

and i would take the loofah

thing and kind of soap up your back

rub it all over you

get you to relax

hot water and um you know

feel the tension

drain out of you and

you’d still be with your back to me

and then i would

kinda put my arm

it’s one of

those mitts one of those lufa

mitts you know

so i got my hand in it

and i would put it around in front

kinda rub your

tummy a little bit within

and then my

other hand would

start to massage your boobs

get your nipples really hard

cause i like that and you have really

spectacular

boobs so anyway

i’d be rubbing your big

boobs and getting your nipples really hard

kinda kissing your neck from behind

and then is it

wrong that i have the

other right now yes it is

and then i would take the

other hand with

the falafel

thing the falafel

i don’t know what that means

and just put it on your pussy

but you’d have to do it real

light just kind of

a tease business

what a fucking

goofy come listen like any

chick is gonna hear that go oh yeah loofah

yeah i was just

thinking i was

gonna get off on this shit old broken people

he’s like trying to romance her you know

i’m like can i

choke you and

like a jewish food fala falafel

yeah middle eastern food but i don’t

think that’s what he meant

i want a sloppy with some hummus a falafel

thing that’s not what you want

shove some chickpeas up here cause

they just use the

wrong word maybe i don’t know but

understand that this is the kind of

human being you’re dealing

with and all this shit that you see in the fucking

in the public eyes just nonsense

you know it’s just what we said before that

people when they become

famous and they get adulation they

start all of a

sudden believing the bullshit they believe

their own hype

it’s step one

to losing it all

like r kelly and it’s fucking

zeus on you got that

bitch yeah you

wanna play at the end though yeah let’s

cut it out at the very end yeah

let’s queue

it up and we’ll play it at the very end do you know the

angelica houston i

think it was her that said it she goes

i go by the motto

never pick it up

never put it down

like if you

don’t take the adulations you can’t take the criticism

like focus on yourself don’t

focus on like what

other people say

and i try to do that like cause

if i can learn

from people you

know but when you walk out of a show and people you’re

great you’re

great what you know

it’s just your opinion

cause you’re gonna hear

you suck too right

and so that way i don’t take that you’re

great i just go

thanks but i don’t let it soak in

cause otherwise

you know what i like hearing i like hearing we had a

great time that’s what i

like hearing i don’t

wanna hear your

great i mean if you

think that thank you very much

i’m trying i’m working hard

keep going i do it all for

whoever likes

to see the comedy that’s what i’m doing it for i mean

i think you alter your

motivation as you get

older and as you get more

successful and as you

kind of get a better

understanding

of what you’re doing like as an artist and i think

initially i just wanted to get

laughs i just wanted to

for me i wanted to

prove that i

could be good at this

i wanted to get some success

i wanted to do it for me

but then once you get the

success then

you have to change

your rational or

your motivation has to change

and it has to become

in order to stay good and to stay relevant

it has to become

about the art

you have to be obsessed with creating good

stuff you have to be obsessed with

doing something that people are

gonna enjoy

those pops of brilliance when a new bit comes to life

did you go through

a change though because i remember like when i

watched you when i was

younger and i was like oh i liked you because at that

point in my life

i was into like

i want to hear like

tits and ass and

fucking pussy and that’s

to me you were that kind of

comic yeah and

evening the improv

was guys with their

sleeves rolled up going

what’s the deal with

and you were

going you know fuck that pussy

yeah and i was a

savage and then you

think about how i got into

stand up comedy i was a fucking kickboxer but

then you change it totally

now you do this

kind of intellectual type material that’s like

you know like what you talk about now

well when i was 21 i’m

still have a million dick jokes but when i was 21

i had nothing to say

about anything else

i had no opinions

i had no opinions on society

i had no opinions on life i didn’t think

about religion at all

except it scared me

because i went to catholic

school when i was little all i thought

about when i was 21 was pussy

that is all i was a fucking savage

that’s all i thought

about here i was

a former martial arts

teacher and

fighter who is now

a professional

comic and i was making my living

working in bars and doing

stand up and trying

to make girls like me i mean that’s what i was doing

and all i was obsessed with

and all i was obsessed with was fucking

and people would say that to me like your act is all

about sex and why is your act all about sex

cause i’m fucking

22 and my hormones are

blasting inside of my body like a broken fire hydrant

slamming against the walls of my heart

like what are you talking

about that’s all i’m thinking

about i don’t know anything else

i had no opinions

i could say sex jokes on

stage and people

could laugh you know why

because these are

things that i was actually thinking

about so i had actual

humorous points of view on it and people

would say well your act is so dirty

am i supposed to not talk

about what i’m obsessed with

should i talk

about what you’re obsessed with i guess i

should have balance i mean i did go through a long time

where you know

especially if i do like

a half an hour set it was too much sex talk it was like

i was like enough

already dude you must have something else

you know how many cumshot jokes can you have

you know but it’s

as i got older then i

started you know

looking at the

world and you know

then you know actually

thinking about

things and then

actually forming opinions and

you know and

deeply considering

those opinions before i ever thought

about taking them to the stage

i mean i had opinions

about things for years and years before i ever

tried to like

put them in a

humorous situation

this it’s just

a matter of

developing as a

human being

but as your

motivation changes

and as your perception changes i mean just you just

mature you grow you

think about

things differently

no but is your audience

your ufc audience the guys that are like

mma guys and like that kind of

stuff are they

on the same mindset as

you now with your kind of material dude you’d be amazed

first of all

about ufc fans

first of all the

broad spectrum of

ufc fans there’s some fucking brilliant intelligent

ufc fans i’ve met

some people in the

mixed martial arts business whether they’re

trainers or competitors or

you know people who just do

just do it as a hobby

or involved in a

management aspect

fucking brilliant people

who are huge fans of the

sport i met a

bunch of them

like the guys who own the

ufc they’re fucking

smart people man yeah

they’re not caveman

i mean dana white’s

crazy and he

swears a lot

stuff but he’s a fucking really

introspective like

a very considerate and

compassionate person like

these guy like

dana white recently

saved some thailand girl

there was a girl who needed to like i believe it was

liver surgery

and she was the

daughter of a trainer at

tiger muay thai

somebody put a threat

about it on the

underground that this girl’s gonna die

unless she gets this

this surgery within like the next

eight weeks

dana white fucking paid for all of it

you know he’s like one of

those guys he’s

not an asshole he’s not a meathead you know

he’s a really good dude and

these people that you know everybody looks at like cage

fighting fans

and they think of oh they must be assholes with

skulls on their

shirts yeah

a lot of them are

but a lot of them aren’t

and even the assholes with

skulls in their shows

they can be lead

they can all be

everybody can look at

things in a

more fun friendly way well i’d imagine that cage

fighters to themselves are kind of

perfectionist kind of guys

and then like

what was that

thing i texted you one day and

asked you about

the quote about if you can do one

thing well you can do

miyamoto masashi

that’s why i got this

tattoo see that shit

because i find sashi versus a

tiger like those

i do that crossfit

stuff and all the guys i do

crossfit with

are obsessive compulsive

and very intellectual you find

these guys are

great athletes and you

would think they’re just dumb fucking

you know can

climb a rope and fucking

power lift you know deadlift

500 pounds but

you start finding out they know

everything about

nutrition and then

everything about this

and then it goes discipline

but some people are not disciplined

right dumb people can

work hard if they’re like in a football camp and the

coach is screaming at you

every day or

if you have to

you know you’re in the army or something like that but

when you have to

motivate yourself to go to the gym and you have to

motivate yourself to buy the proper

nutrition and

that takes intelligence

it takes a certain amount of discipline

yeah so i’ve seen that

these mixed martial arts

cause i would say that them

the guys that do

fight and are really into it

are probably

good fans that really get all your material

and get into like the intellectual shit but i’m

thinking like

the average guy that like

shit at home

and goes hey

i just want to see some fucking blood

yeah like yeah does

he come to your show and be like tell me a dick joke

yeah there’s that but you know what man i make sure

i try very hard to make sure that my jokes are

first and foremost funny

you know whatever my

point of view is on something it has to be

it has to be digestible

to a lot of people

like there’s some

weird shit that i

might think it’s

funny that if i had an audience filled with you

know only like

guys like you

or duncan or you know someone who’s like a very

smart person that’s you know of a certain

age i could talk to

about almost anything

i would do different

material yeah it was just you guys you know but to

an audience full of a

bunch of people

first of all i want everybody to have fun

you know i want like a joyous

fun festive

atmosphere i

want it to be like an hour long party

you know and

that party filled with ideas and thoughts and

then you know that i’m not coming from these

coming from a

place of ego i’m not an egomania

i’m coming from a

place to just

let’s just figure this out

let’s try to put this all together it’s not me it’s not

about me it’s about

these ideas it’s about

it’s about having a good goddamn time up there so

it’s the ideas but i’ve got a lot of

weird shit in my act

about time travel and the

large hadron collider and there’s some shit that

there’s some place

sometimes when i’m on

stage where i go god damn i’m taking

these motherfuckers down a fucking

twisty road here i hope they’re with me

you know i hope they’re with me when the

punchlines come

because they

might have been like you know

after five minutes of

large hadron collider

rant when i

get to the end like what the fuck is he talking about

you know people

are taking notes i better go home and read

about this yeah

i think you know i

initially i

sort of you know did comedy just to try to get

laughs and this

is what i always said that there’s like a

bunch of different

stages of comedy

i think the first

stage is you do anything you can to get a laugh

you know i mean i’m sure you’ve said that some

hacky lines in your life that you’re embarrassed about

i mean i’d look back

the last time i

think in 1997 or 90

no earlier than that i was on news

radio though it was like 95 96

i told some

woman hey i don’t

come to your job and slap the dicks out of your mouth

i can’t believe i

still used that

like in 90 i used it one time

it was in montreal at the comedy works some

chick said something

right after i said i’m like man really

you didn’t even

dig into your bag

you just grabbed

the most obvious

stupid hacking line i

still think

about that to this day

you know i think

initially you’re just trying to get

laughs and then

once you get good

then it goes from

what makes me laugh

you know instead of just trying to make anybody

laugh with like

a tool like i have a hammer look at my hammer i’m

gonna hit the nail dong

then it becomes

your perspective it’s like you know

this actually is

funny to me

and then it becomes

how do you make someone

laugh with your opinions on

things like

what are your unique

points of view

that you can somehow another turn into comedy

so to me there’s like

been three stages in my life the first

stage was just say anything

even you didn’t believe in it i said a lot of

stupid shit

about gay people

about whatever the fuck i

was if i thought it would work

you know to me it was like is this a

brick can i kill a rat with it

let’s kill the rat you know

it was just a

tool i think i followed your

model and i’m just

years behind you doing the same

thing where

the analogy

a good analogy i

heard was golf

say when you

learn to golf

just fucking

hit the ball as far as you can fucking hit it

and then hone

your swing and

bring it in instead of

trying to hit it

right and then trying to hit it far

so like try to kill it

first yeah just try to

learn how to kill

and once you kill you’ll get all that

confidence and you’ll

never be scared and then

own in the good

really creative interesting jokes with your

point of view

but you can’t go out there

initially with that

some guys probably

have they try but they seem so pretentious

especially when you’re 20 and you’re

breaking down the government

please shut the fuck up

please go get hit in the head by a ball

you know please get

punched you know

go do something

where you develop some character

you know we’ll talk

about this off air

maybe someone who does that

right now i’m sure there’s a lot of people who do it

well you know you want

to be somebody man you want to be bill hicks you know

it’s a great fucking

the atlanta

punch line one of the

great clubs you ever worked there

one of the best clubs in

the country

fucking fantastic club

anyway the atlanta

punch line has a back room like a green room

and it’s got a

bunch of shit written on the wall

and one thing that i took a

picture of put it on my moblog back when i had a moblog

i’ve gotta find it it must be on my

it said quit trying to be hicks

it’s on frag

mob you still does it

count at frag do i

okay well go

check that shit out bitches

check this out joe

red pancake

redpincake net

i don’t think i need to see that don’t go to redpancake

net it’s some

sort of horrible venereal disease some poor fuck has

brian wants you to look at it

eddie where are you

gonna be next man

i am in australia

pretty much mobile

yeah we got a lot of

australian people that listen to show so tell us

where yeah i’m doing the

adelaide fringe festival

i’ll be at the arts theatre

for ten nights only

and then i’m doing brisbane only

ten nights in a row

jesus christ i’ve

never done ten

nights anywhere

that’s incredible

cool 450 seats so

start buying

tickets damn

holy shit and then you

pack places in in australia huh

it’s going well i’m really

happy is that

weird to be

super famous in another country i’m not

super famous at all i mean are just

super famous i’m

happy with how it’s

going but i

would like to see the same

i told you yesterday i go

it’s not like

i love australia it’s a

great fucking

place i love to surf but you want to do the same

thing here yeah just you know i like

being around my family and i want my parents to not

think i’m a failure

holla at your boy so

what is your website

eddie ift ifft com

and on twitter

it’s eddie ift

facebook i’m on facebook

facebook and facebook is easy to find

and art you have a fan

page podcast is talking shit

yeah and your podcast is it back up now

if you google it you will

find it you don’t have to go through itunes everybody

thinks you have to go through it so libsin

has it libsin

available no matter what all the episodes are available

and you can get to libsin

i assume from

edf com and

they just took it down because of the name

they took it down in the

title yeah in the

title and we

fucked up and got

lucky but it

took it down from i

guess i have to eat this guy’s cunt

well they should have

taken it down

from that yeah we just do a podcast number one and

that’s what

we should have

done and i just have the guess i

understand their

thing trying to keep children away

from like this stuff

we fucked up we fucked up i know

they have a filter though you

think they would have some kind of say where

they do and

that’s what they

did they bumped us off for

breaking the rules and we just didn’t know and

yeah so they

killed all your feed and now you have to get a

whole new feed

yeah we’re gonna have to get a

whole new feed so

all your subscribers you have 35 000 subscribers i

think more now

wow and i lost

them all we’re

gonna lose all our subscribers god

damn i have to resubscribe so please

folks go to itunes and resubscribe is it up now

i don’t think it’s up till tomorrow

okay go to edief com and download it it’s hilarious

edief is hilarious and jim jeffries is hilarious too

so the podcast is a

fucking can’t miss you

dirty bitches

and joe’s gonna be there someday he’s

gonna drive

all the way to venice and do our fucking show yeah

i’m gonna do it i am

gonna do it

tell me when

we’ll work it out

tell me when

maybe next week you

heard it maybe

next week you guys around next

week yeah monday tuesday wednesday okay

maybe we’ll figure out next week i know

i was supposed to do tuesday with

what was that dude’s name john lejoy

from the league

how do you say his name

i think you said it

right he’s hilarious

some of his fucking songs on youtube are genius

and he’s actually a fan of the podcast and actually

asked to be on

i don’t want to brag or

anything but he’s coming on

so he’s gonna be on next

thursday so

maybe i’ll do it someday next week

we’ll figure it out venice

talking shit and we will

definitely put

that shit on twitter and let everybody know and

we’ll try to get you guys back on itunes by then and

so that’s it if you go to

joerogane net

and click on the link for the flashlight

again the flashlight

sponsors the show

thank you very much to them

and you get 15

off if you type in the name brogan

this friday

night i am at

mandalay bay theater with joe diaz and ari

shafir it was

not i’m getting some messages

where people

are saying it sold out but i don’t know if that’s true

it’s very close though

and it will by the time the showtime rolls around

which is tomorrow night

and then tonight

ari shafir has a storytell show

at the improv and i’m

gonna go down and fuck around there too so

that’s it for the show this week

for itunes and

right after i say goodbye we’re gonna play this r

kelly song with zoo because it’s most

fucking ridiculous brilliant thing that’s ever happened

and exactly what we’re talking about

when it comes to

celebrity turning someone into a

crazy person all right love you bitches