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Podcast
Description
Joe sits down with Bobby Lee.
Transcript
oh shit
the joe rogan experience
it’s sexy too cause it’s english
yeah who do you know that person no
she’s not even real so robot is
but i just think of her some
dirty bitch in england yeah yeah yeah
with weird teeth dedicated to working for me
crooked feet yeah no no no nice feet
oh god she does she’s hot oh she is
the weird teeth though
i don’t mind a little
space here and there yeah
it makes you work hard
it’s the discoloration i can’t
i’m not down with gray yeah not even
great but you
know how sometimes they have like six different
colors yeah
yeah or like bottle rot
when did you
when did you stop sucking on your binky hooker
ladies gentlemen
bobby lee has joined us
yes finally i mean your army you have an army out there
dude not mine man
they have their own
but speaking of army
before we get started we have to do business we are
sponsored by the flashlight
if you go to flashlight com or if you go to joe rogan
net there’s a link for the flashlight click on it
and enter in the code name rogan you get 15 off
use one of those you got one
the thing is is those beads
have you seen the blue
one the beads the avatar one
no it looks like
it looks like a flashlight right
right and you stick the thing inside it right
the one yeah that one i have that
i have these little beans beads that you turn on you
stick your balls in it
i know you stick your
i know but there’s these beads on mine
that you put in and it vibrates there’s
three beads and goes on the side
if you open that up
you can put beads inside
but the beads only last five minutes
right and i take 10 minutes to do it
oh so the last
five minutes you’re
just holding your breath no i know i have a whole
system in the side i have all
these batteries
well why don’t you just have two
and then you have two
flashlights and so you have one on
standby because
cleaning them is a half an hour thing
half an hour what are you gonna use
toothbrush no no no
no i use hot oil
use hot oil to
clean them no no
no from the
gulf no no i
i microwave
oil for five
seconds and they get it warm you
can’t do it too hot i did it once and i scalded my sock
eyes oh no yeah
yeah but burns
but um yeah you put the oil in it
right yeah and then you put the beads in it
it vibrates
it’s so good
it feels so good
it’s like it’s like making love
to an android and then
which is my fantasy
dream and then
um but that the beads run off
run out of energy
so only five minutes for
these wack ass beads yeah and
brand new you have to put
three of those flat you know
what are you got the
watch batteries a little tiny ones
in a three at
about 30 bucks
pop when you’re doing wow
where do you get
these beats i’ve
never even heard of
these beats
no open that
up open that up i bet you if there’s beat slots
no yeah yes
seriously take
the sure you’re not talking
about a competitor
that’s it see the
kid now go no
you tell me what
the slots are
on mine i have
three slots here
oh you see yours is designed for its
specific it is a flashlight
flashlight but it’s a different one you
stick in there and go
oh maybe you got a vibrator
model or something or vibrate oh yes they
do have the vibrator
models i remember seeing that yeah i have that one
yeah but it’s the
same it looks exactly
it’s a very you know this is a controversial
thing man i do a
whole series of
i do a whole bit
about it on
stage but this really is controversy why
because people
didn’t want me getting sponsored by a fake vagina
why like somehow or another it’s like bad for your
reputation does it really take you 10 minutes to come
yeah because i
now when you
have regular sex is it take you ten minutes
no it takes you longer can i say something
i want to say something to you sure
i’m very i’m being very specific on my porn the
thing is that i need the interview
you okay you know the interview
the interview the interview with the girl so far
so where you from
where you from
i’m from ohio
you know how much
point have you done not that much this is my
second time or first
and i need to
sense a little fear
inner voice
right and then
check it out
you know the
first time when they do
the first timers
when the penis goes in the vagina
i have to look at their eyes
in the eyes they have to question
their decision
that’s how you get
excited yeah you know how like when the
penis goes in
they have to go mom
do you associate that with any past
sexual experience
where you see
the look in the girl’s eye she’s like what the fuck is
bobby lee doing inside me
and then you get excited like
trick them again josie no no no
i think what it is is this i think that my penis
it’s not even an ethnic thing
but my penis is abnormally small
i don’t care about it because you know what i mean i’m
rapid like how small
it’s just small like thumb
like your thumb no yeah
it’s thicker than that
but the thing is is that and girls
they like my bubbly personality i’m like a
dream weaver you know what i mean
and you know what i mean you’re fun
yeah i’m a cute you know i tickle you know what i mean
i giggle fun to be around yeah i giggle
you bring a party yeah yeah
and so then all of a
sudden this party’s fucking your mouth you’re like hey
yeah and when i’m with a girl i look in their eyes and
i’ve never had the sensation of like
them going oh you know what i mean
like it’s too big
right yeah man
i have a friend
of mine who had that same problem and so what he
started doing was getting
he got a strap on
he got this
crazy thing
that covers his dick
and i was like his dick
would go on and then this big fake dick
would go over his dick
and we were talking to him
about it we were like well what’s up like
what are you doing that for
he goes just once i
wanna see a girl like
have a hard time taking it
yeah they can always
take it so easy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i’m
never hurting them i never
think of them
so are you really big into anal
no i don’t do that you think you
would be though because that
most girls even with your
small dick would like no
no no no no no because
for me it’s like i want them to have pleasure too
some girls like it
i know a girl
that likes anal whip better than regular sex she
just wants anal all the time yeah yeah i know there are
girls and they’re called broken yeah
those are the ones that also
light your house on fire by the way
but i also imagine
if you do an anal and you don’t have a condom on
that the poop goes into the hole my hole does
and i don’t need that in my life
we talked about a terrible
scene did we talk
about that on the podcast that the
the nani show
thing yeah yeah we did it i
think snakes are actually cool if you’re at a point
when you shut up what’s a poop snake
when you piss
after anal sex as it comes out
no i don’t know i don’t need that in my life you
should try it
he’s just talking about
he’s been silly
he does this all the time you can’t take him you’ve
never had a poop
snake be honest
never i poop
smell though now this is worse
the girls had sex with a long time ago back when i was
twenty one i lost my boner because i was banging her
doggy style i saw poop around her butthole
i realized that she didn’t really wipe that good
and then i started
smelling it because the funk of
the sex and the
sweat yeah yeah yeah and
my wet nappet
you ever do that my butt yeah yeah i wet not my butt
yeah baby yeah yeah
you know and that’s we can’t
flush those that’s respect
right you cannot flush those what
you got it you got to wipe yourself
first and then
you got to get the baby wipes and then you got to
throw the baby wipes away
which is kind of
gross because i got
well if you live in an
apartment go flush away
but if you live in a
house eventually they’re
gonna get clogged up and you’re
gonna have to have a
group of dudes come in your backyard
and find this pipe
stuff full of your shit
rags are you
sure you weren’t
using that for example
with me no bro i’ve used
flushable baby wipes
the flushable
ones they never
break they don’t
that’s the thing they pretend they do they
don’t really they become like goo
they don’t dissolve
like toilet
paper and they
get tied up on
things like if you have
in my area we have issues with
cause we’re kind of rural we have issues with trees
growing into your pipes
you know it’s an issue like
so many trees out here the trees will
grow through like a
crack in the pipe and then
one of them
became like a goddamn tree
i mean i posted
pictures of it on twitter
it’s so ridiculous nobody even fucking believes it
my toilet was clogged
i couldn’t figure out what was
going on with it so i had
these plumbers come out
they pulled a fucking
eight foot tree
out of my toilet oh my god
maybe not eight foot
how big was it at
least five feet yeah like five feet it was
long it was like
it was like your eye
looked like a muppet
it looked like a
muppet like a
swamp thing looked like some sort of an animal
like somebody flushed
some woodrat
but are you
worried that if they open up the pipe there’s
stuff with wet
naps but can’t you just say it’s my children’s
no it’s mine i don’t give
a fucking owner i’m not
gonna the bus
that’s ridiculous
you’re not supposed to be the diaper wipes you
definitely don’t
flush because they’re really thick and
gross i mean not course but
strong that they
would not break up definitely
but flushable baby wipes those bitches don’t
break up either the guy told me now they say they
break up people say because i
pull them out of people’s pipes all the time
so they had to like dig a hole but it was really
the issue more or less was that there was a route
that was blocking part of the area
not as bad as the one that was in
the toilet the one that was in the toilet was fucking
ridiculous i’ll find it and i’ll
repost that shit on twitter because it’s just so silly
it doesn’t even make sense
it’s so silly
it really didn’t look real
like i couldn’t believe it
and that was
after i had
moved to colorado
so i left the
house for a couple
months and nobody was
nobody was flushing
yeah i just wish
like masturbating lasted longer for me
because to me it’s just like
i seriously have to
focus on slowing it down why not just
get it done
what are you trying to do there
fella no that’s with sex and
everything i just with masturbation though
isn’t that like just trying to get it over with
yeah but i like to
enjoy it you
know really i mean it feels good when you’re doing it
right so why not have it go for like ten minutes
yeah well the
other day i was in i wasn’t when i was in new york i
tried to masturbate
you know to the port on the internet i couldn’t finish
right so then like i after
about an hour i finished half hard
and you always feel like a failure
because it’s like it didn’t
my orgasm was like 50
you know what i mean
and i just sat there with like you know my hand
like with this
marshmallow in my hand
you know what i mean just sitting there naked
sweating you know
going i failed at that
i couldn’t finish that off wow
i do feel you
me and bobby were talking about how
when we stay at hotels
we hate when the maid comes
don’t come in my room don’t ever come to my room and
i didn’t tell you that but i did spider man at the last
hotel we were
at and it hit must have hit the lamp because it
started smoking
what are you talking about
where i do spider man in a hotel
where i throw
brian people listening
well we’ve talked
about spider man no worry
no one listens
every i don’t
know what the fuck you’re saying and i’m asking
all these other people in a matter what
hotels i have just i just
and i’m like fuck this i’m in this hotel
and i just like
throw the sperm at the wall like spider man all
right throw it across the room and it
still connects to your
wrist no no it
doesn’t connect to your
wrist and you can
swing through the room no but
no but i just
that’s so disrespectful
because some poor mexican lady has to
clean that’s so i’m so mad
it’s so rude it’s
clear they don’t clean
it but it dries
and then flakes and
you don’t know what it is pretty obvious dude
but you know they
think it’s either mucus
or you mean
or a load low load
yeah i can’t even see
where it goes
and once i hit a
picture frame
and i was like oh i better
clean it out so disrespectful
once you hit a
picture or like a
picture on the wall yeah
you got issues
masturbate and try to
enjoy yourself when i masturbate
it’s for maintenance just get it over with don
and just moving on
so even better a
towel and she’ll
definitely touch the towels
the problem with getting into masturbating is then you
like already had that joke
about having a
bunch of windows
open trying to figure out what to jerk off to
you can get
weird and obsessed you can get kinda
yeah yeah you get a little caught up in it
and there’s some dudes who you
know they get so caught up in porn it becomes like a
legit addiction
where like they’ll have
a conversation with someone and they just can’t wait to
go away to their computer real
quick and just look
at porn videos
i have to do i have to pay for my porn though
really i can’t do grainy it has to be high def
oh really you
have to be able to see the freckles you’re the last guy
the last guy buying porn yeah yeah
i really am i need to talk
about a business that just got gutted i know
i mean that used to be a
multi millionaire business i mean there was
some billion dollar business
right there were so many people in my neighborhood that
were porn producers
maybe driving around ferraris living a good life
and i believe
look at this wild ass
rebel just filming fucking and making a billion dollars
it’s crazy you know it’s kind of a
weird thing you know they
would be like
a curiosity in the community
you know all
these mommies
would look at them that’s the porn guy
that’s where the porn guy lives
porn guy but now
those guys aren’t making shit that’s done
done son see ya if you’re
lucky you can get by now and if you’re
lucky you get charlie sheen
well look at
these hookers
these hookers can’t stop talking
about charlie sheen
they’re doing interviews i
heard someone on
stern this morning
fucking good morning america
interviewed one of the girls that fucked charlie sheen
way to go good morning america you whores
congratulations you are now us
magazine and he
allows you in his
house gives you
free cocaine
of course you get to
watch you know
movies that
haven’t even come out yet on dvd
like you want to
watch true grit
oh that’s out in the theaters i have it yeah
right they’re doing
gonna watch avatar 2 i’ve got a
rough cut yeah
they even made that
thing you know what i mean
and then they disrespect
him by you know
ratting him out of course yeah they’re not as friends
could you imagine if that was your friend
imagine if a dude came over your
house forget
about sex just a dude came over your
house and have
you know hey we all watched
fucking tv at
bobby lee’s
house he got
nutty he takes his parents off runs through them
and also this dude
is on the radio
on monday and he’s telling the
whole story
about what he did hanging out at your
house when you got
crazy but like
who the fuck is this guy yeah
that guy will
never hang out of my
house again
fuck this idiot
can you imagine
how much shit
can you imagine being that little
kid from two and a half men how much tail charlie
throws his way
hey i got this
daughter this girl i hook
kids like 12
and also that kid is he
yeah and he’s old now
and also that kid is so mad probably because the show
could get canceled all
right oh yeah
yeah they could all lose lose
they’re trying
to say all sorts of shit like oh it was appendix berk
he had a hernia
that kids kiss
well they all are it’s the biggest show in
television and
by the way this
is only helping it
helping it people are not gonna stop
charlie sheen
is fucking for whatever reason man
he’s grandfathered in
all right charlie sheen ain’t
going nowhere yeah he
could do coke all day
he could bang hookers he
could threaten his wife with a knife
it doesn’t matter he’s fucking
smiling on camera on
monday i like how the la
at least won’t even do any like investigations through
these alleged cocaine
briefcase charges i was like wait a
second if somebody has
a briefcase of cocaine
maybe you should find out
what the fuck no
no no that was
ohio they would
first of all
first of all
it’s all hearsay
okay you can’t take this hooker’s word for it
okay or porn star or whoever saying
first of all there’s that
and then second of all what are you
gonna do you’re
gonna question him
about whether or not he had cocaine for real and he’s
gonna say no and then he’s gonna say
where’s your evidence
where’s this from
and then the evidence is just some girl talking
about it unless that girl wants to
go in and talk to the government
what does she
know she knows a guy came over with cocaine
you were doing cocaine
so you were doing something illegal too
yeah well sorta
does charlie pay you to fuck
yeah you know that’s prostitution
um can i call my lawyer
and before come on man
t was he has this awesome
article on yesterday where like
charlie sheen’s old friend
or publicist
or something like that used to hang in his life and
get in a lot of
trouble with him
and then he
kind of disappeared for a few years
well lately he’s been hanging out with this guy
again so they
found him the
other day while charlie’s been hanging out yeah
charlie’s been hanging out with this guy
again recently
and so they
found him yesterday like walking on the
street somewhere in
sunset or something
and he had an
enjoy coke shirt on
they’re like huh
interesting oh my god there’s also a testimony
what a great actor charlie sheen is because what
just listen
listen to my theory dude listen to my theory okay
when you act you have to some actors get acting coaches
right they get the script
right they memorize
their lines they have to go to
table reads rehearsals
this dude just shows up
you know what
i mean just
after a two
night bender
right once you’ve been on a sitcom for that long it
becomes very easy
newsradio the last couple
seasons was super easy
newsradio we were working
three days a week
it was so easy
yeah and you know and we
would get like a
script and then we’d
fuck around with it for a couple of days and then we
put it up on friday
a sweatshop
and no one you
guys worked hard and you guys had like
weird guidance man yeah we had nine mexicans
watch those two dudes that were running it man those
guys yeah yeah
yeah yeah odd
tastes oh it was the
weirdest show i’ve
hosted it once
and that’s one
of the times i knew you before that though
right yeah yeah
that’s where i met
brian cowan
and i hosted it once and i remember like
talking to them
about my like they wanted me to do a monologue
and i was just like
you know so i’m like alright i’ll talk
about this and i’ll talk
about that and like
you know all
right but it was
just it was real awkward i was like how the fuck did
these guys get to be running some sort of a
sketch show
it was the weirdest
sketch show ever
not only that it’s like
no one there was no like
people could just walk in
you know i don’t wear tv show what
do you mean
i just had people
walk and go
in my hallway
where my dressing room was
hey man what’s up
who are you
i’m watching the show
how are you back here
how did they
get back there i don’t know there was like no security
i don’t know i’ve
never met one
i never met a security
guard no security no it was on highland and
santa monica you know that one did
sort of seem like a factory
yeah it was
weird weird yeah didn’t
seem like a regular show yeah
and then we
would have big
storm sometimes like
jackie chan did it once like what are you doing here
you’re legitimate
you’re an international superstar
it went on forever too yeah and i
behaved like a fucking ass
asshole toward the end
i pooped in
i pooped in lauren dobrowski’s
office floor
floor yeah cause i’m so mad at her
why are you
mad at her because she just they deceive you
really lauren
dobrowski did no she passed away you
know i know i know i knew her from back in boston when
she was on a comedy team
she saved my life
really yeah
yeah i love lauren
and there’s shit on her
floor cause you love her no but as a
it was as a joke and there were two
actors writing in there
mike and nicole parker were writing
and i go stick this
tom’s in your asshole
just for jones
the toms okay so i
stuck it in my butthole and then my butthole
started foaming
and then they both
started laughing like really loud
and then i shocked the toms out of my butthole
and then a piece of poop came up
after that right
and it was a huge
laugh and then lauren
poor lauren
you know walks in and she sees a tums
that’s foaming and a
piece of poop
on the floor
and i had to
clean it up and
stuff like that you know what i mean
because when no one
watches it and
we had freed
ranges to act
just as crazy as
why was it so bad
what was bad is because there’s no real boss
right and also what happened was fox didn’t own it
the warner brothers did right
and it’s so warner brothers didn’t care
about it right
fox didn’t care about it
and we just and no one
watched it and i don’t know how it stayed on
but every year they
would go yeah you’re
gonna come back i go really
you and i used to have
these conversations at the back of the comedy
store where you didn’t know what to do yeah
yeah you’re like i don’t know what to do i mean they’re
giving me x amount of dollars a week yeah it’s a
steady job but it’s fucking terrible it’s terrible you
fucking hated it dude oh i hated it i mean if i were
the one you’d show up no one’s there
you would have this look in your face man sometimes
you would have this look in your face
where you just like
you didn’t know what to do i cried a lot
you fucking
hated it i cried so much on that job so at five
in the morning mean when you’d show up for work five
o’clock call
you should look
up there’s no one there
no one yeah and then at 5 40 pm people
start showing up i go why did you call me
who runs this
thing right
you know call times are always
brutal oh i hate it and i hate when they get you an
early just they lies
they lie they lie they’re
liars they’re
liars you’re making fuck
you up at five
and then you shoot at
eight at night
right you know what i mean
right because well
first of all because comedians are irresponsible
you have to take that into account
right you are i am
brian is you’re on pornstar
joey diaz is the most
irresponsible person i’ve ever met in my fucking life
ari’s fairly responsible
but even he’s been irresponsible pretty nuts
another time i got in
trouble they had
sued me one of the actors
tried to sue me
really she shows it was her
first day of work
right she finally gets on a
sketch show
right and she
later became
like kind of she’s on madman and she was on the
cover of playboy
but when she
what’s her name her name is krista flanagan
hold on we gotta
google look up
a playboy put that on krista
with a cri st8
one of my best friends in the
whole world
she is yeah she is how do you
spell her last name flanagan f l a n
you guys you have very
weird friendships
why because
you know you’re friends with somebody you poop on
their floor you
get somebody
get sued but no no
but so you said she was in playboy
no but yeah but flanagan didn’t
know me her it’s her
first day at work
five in the
morning she shows up and we had rehearsals in the
actors rehearsal hall
and she’s sitting on the
couch i had no idea who she was she was eating
yogurt okay
so i was so
early i’m delirious i had like
thirty minutes of sleep
i walked up to her i
grabbed the back of her head and i farted in her mouth
when she was in
yogurt right
she starts crying
joe she started crying
right so then
ron peterson who
you know who
ron peterson is right
no the guy that
went out with natasha
all right you know that
whole thing
i don’t know oh
yeah you know what the
whole controversy with i know
ari i know there was a controversy
where natasha
left with a mad
tv again ron
peterson is the guy
well that’s very pretty yeah
ron you farted in her mouth yeah
you’re a confident man
what made you so confident
that fart in this pretty girl’s face
i farted in her
mouth so then
ron peterson
physically attacked
me mike mcdonald on the show put her
while you farted at her no
after that because she
started crying right
right so you farted in her mouth
your mouth with
yogurt okay
she’s eating
you come by
you fart in her
mouth like when you
grabbed your butt
touch your face no i had my
jeans on right you have your
jeans you know how it’s
powerful that you can go through two
layers of underwear
yeah that felt
strong one yeah like
like that you know i mean a lot of push it doesn’t go
it doesn’t go
but your genes
come in contact with her skin yes
really with her lips oh my god
right what’s
right in her mouth
she started crying
and then check it out
so know who attacks you so
ron petersen attacks me
right what is this
ron peterson
he’s like he is a canadian
comedian actor so he comes
after you yeah
and mike mcdonald puts him in a headlock
puts peterson in there
because punching
you because he’s physically attacking me people do that
to me all the time
they just want to physically assault me
i’m just one of those guys and then
you know but
so then two days later
you know my manager abby
right i mean we just sit there in
front of like the mad tv lawyers
and there was an awkward moment where
they have it on tape they go
explain to me what happened
right so i go
i showed up at work like yeah
and i’m like i see this girl i don’t know
where you know like yeah she’s eating yogurt and
she opened her mouth anyway i farted in her face
in her mouth
and then there was a fifteen second second
awkward pause
your mean where people are like writing
things down you know i mean
and then and then one guys just says why
right and i go i don’t know
you know what i mean
right and they showed up
so now i made a deal where i bought i bought her a 500
gift certificate
to brooke williams
right gave it to her
like in the next couple days
and i wrote her into like a popular
sketch that i did
and everything was fine became very good friends damn
fart in my mouth and make it best buy
wow man you know
it’s an unfortunate
thing when people
try to fuck around on sets and just have fun
you never know
right before you do something sometimes
if it’s too far
patrice o’neal had a really
funny point once
where patrice was talking
about imus about
when i must got in
trouble for saying something about
black people remember that
nappy heard
yeah yeah and he said that you can’t you can’t
no one knows
exactly what the fuck they’re
gonna say before they say
things like that and sometimes you say
things that are across the line
but he’s like
that’s where all
funny comes from
if it misses or it hits it’s
still coming from the same place
it’s just trying to get a
laugh and it’s totally
right that’s what it is yeah it’s like
people that aren’t in
the comedy businessman they don’t really
understand that in
order to be really funny
you can’t really have very many
boundaries yeah
and you know
where we’re from we’re from the like you know the
stores always work
out yeah so many
pictures of you
naked dude yeah yeah i have
pictures you tucked
standing in the middle of salted
there i’ve been raped there i’ve been all kinds of
things have happened growing up in the i have a
series of pictures of you with your
pants down at the comedy
store from over the years
where most of them
most of them he has his dick tucked in between his legs
and his legs
pinched together and your
shirt is off yeah
probably on a
sunday too yeah
right probably a tuesday
yeah but like and then you show up at a corporate
workplace right
like a network show
yeah and you
bring that into there and they’re like no yeah no
no no no no
yeah when we were on newsradio there was a lot of
chaos for a
while because they
would let us
drink on the set
so we would be done with the show and we
would get fucking hammered
we would get so hammered that no one knows this is
i because i
never took i
shouldn’t have done this
blamed it on some band we had a band
that was at
our studio or
on the stage
i forget what the band was
some like very
heavy metal band
so it was perfect like to
blame it on them yeah yeah and
they they were in a
scene with us
god i want to say anthrax was that a band yeah
they were right one dude had shaved head yeah
so anyway we’re all hanging around it
was me and dave foley and moritier and he just fucking
smashed smashed
and then we’re hungry
and maru goes we can only get in the
craft service room
and i’m like
i get in that room
and i fucking
i fucking taekwondo the door
i kick the door
smash the door
frame really bent the fucking the yeah
one kick i kicked open the door and
went inside and we fucking chow
down open up the fridge and then they were
so pissed the next day they’re blaming it on the band
we were like yeah that’s fucked up
that’s terrible
those guys were fucking
and they were
gonna like stop
drinking on the set because of it
andy would get smashed
andy and andy
would bring the shady fucking characters over
just be strange
smells coming out of this fucking
dressing room
it was just a fun fun set man
this is the thing
you don’t get
real good comedy
unless you get the type of people that
don’t have that many
boundaries people
that will go out there
people that have pulled
their fucking
pants down like all my friends at
their comics that pull
their pants down
they do stupid shit they’ll
say i dare you to go do this like they’re probably
gonna do if it’s
funny yeah yeah
i’ve seen like nine ten
comics penises over the last weak
like kristalia’s polys i’ve seen polly
shorts penis
i’m not even
lying eight hundred
and thirty two times
over a lifetime
you know i mean and it’s just i didn’t ask
the crystal
is penis look like our
magicals penis
by the way is very large
okay yeah yeah anyway
but but they don’t people don’t know
how magical
wise man with magicals penis
no it’s pretty large to i guess no i don’t think it is
possible that i’ll
magical has a big dick yeah it’s impossible really
i don’t think so
because he’s a hispanic
what are you talking
about hispanics don’t have little dicks
they go huge monster dicks mexicans you blowing
no no mexican
blowing any mexican what are you talking about
they have big penises
they’re not the ones but not that the
black big penis people
don’t like black people they’re like
but neither are like
irish well irish people are supposedly small penises
no they have
thick penis
irish cursive to me
the only difference between a mexican guy and asian guy
except for culturally but physically i’m talking about
is the eyes
what yeah the eyes you you
if you take a mexican guy you get him really high
right fucking from okinawa
you’re right hmm
but they’re more well they are
asian really because what what
american indians are
it’s people that came down from the bering
street that’s right
well some people have a different
that mankind
started in america and they went the other way hmm
well you know that’s also possible
human beings have been around so long they’ve made a
bunch of recent discoveries
that have way way way pushed back the dates of
civilization
we were talking
about this in the podcast recently
about crete
it’s an island is forty
miles away from the shore
and it’s been that way for over five million years
and they found these
stone tools that may be as old as
seven hundred thousand years old
they’re at least one hundred thousand years old
so they know a hundred thousand years ago
dudes were getting on boats and traveling
forty miles
i mean that’s amazing shit yeah
you know there’s a lot of shit we don’t know
about people man
there’s a lot of shit we don’t know
about people but as far as like
what we do know is that the people that were in asia
are the same people that were
north american indians
and north american indians
got fucked by spaniards
and they created mexicans that’s what it is that’s
why some mexicans look like indians they look like
you can just make a fucking
headdress and he’d be sitting bull you know
and what else people don’t
understand is is that you know japanese and koreans
which i’m korean right
we have kakazoid
strains in our dna because there’s
you know we’re from mongolia
right and they’re so
close to russia
right that it
mixed a little bit sure you know i mean
so we have that you know i mean so i’m kind of white
well russia
there’s a lot of parts of russia like siberia
especially where the people look very
asian they look like bjork
yeah yeah yeah
so they have a weird you
know sort of an inuit
look to them
yeah yeah it’s really interesting
yeah it’s a trip man it’s a trip when you step
what’s really a trip
about asians
i mean the real
trip is the stereotype that they look exactly the same
and they don’t of course look exactly the same but
i don’t have to tell you that
but it is kind of
weird that you have an entire
group of people with
narrow eyes and the same
color skin and black hair
i mean there’s like zero variation
right that’s
crazy that there’s a billion people like that
a billion plus really
i mean that’s really amazing when you look at the very
minute amount of variation as opposed to european
countries and even african countries
but let me say something to you
okay i ran into you and
eddie once at the sherman oaks galleria
you guys were working out at the gym there okay
and i was maybe
a hundred feet away from you
right and there was probably 20
other asians in my area
right and you from a hundred yards go bobby
and i turned around
right was it like that
dude like hey bobby
yeah you yell
from like a hundred yards i talk to the gym yeah yeah
no it wasn’t in the gym it was outside the gym right
it was outside the gym
and so you recognize me from 100 yards away
amongst asians so we don’t look alike
well bobby i know who you are
but without that we are saying that we
look like my eyes are good i
understand that
so what i’m
saying is is that
we do have differences
sure you have variations in the same theme
same theme over
and over again
yeah the same skin color yeah
look this is not
racist you know
there’s a there’s a
bunch of people
right now this is not get did
you this is
dedicated to the people that
will start fucking complaining
either on a message
board or on twitter and yeah i
heard that shit you said
about asians it’s so racist
no it’s just an observation i don’t find it
racist it’s not
to me it’s a fascinating thing
there’s nothing negative about it
but what’s fascinating is that
especially in
china and japan
there are a gigantic
group of people that look very very similar
and you know there’s not like a lot of
black influence
there’s not a lot of european influence
or the fact that they were able to stay so pure
for so long is really
quite shocking
when you look at the history of the
human race the
human race has been around for
however many
hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years
that they’ve been so concentrated in this area
that it’s been
agents breeding with asians
almost exclusively
that’s the one
that’s the reason why
i’ve only dated one asian guy
a girl in my
whole life you said guys i said girl
patty i heard you said guy
first girl girl guy
yeah okay girl
so girl patty once you’re the
power ranger
she in the space one
when they went to space
yes yes hot right
and she was beautiful
so when i was in the bed with her
right you know how
it’s dark and your eyes get adjusted to the
light a little bit the darkness
right you saw yourself
no i didn’t see yourself i saw the guy from heroes
i saw the lady from grey’s anatomy
i saw my uncle
han i saw kim jong il
i saw i saw everybody
right and after that i said i can’t do it anymore wow
so yeah so the girls that i date are always
either six foot two blonde
scandinavian
looking ones
or like you know you know
skinny tall mexicans that are you know i mean
but it cannot be
asians wow that’s
great i knew a girl who was chinese and she had
a thing with her dad and just
asian guys made her
throw up like she couldn’t even imagine yeah
fucking her
yeah she’s so
so sad yeah
poor kid yeah i’m
like if you’re so excluded
just one group just just
fucking whoever
was the representative of that one group
fucked up so hard
yeah but that’s you know the
asian parents are really the
worst really
they are the
worst because
they come to this country and they just assume
that they’re gonna have
their children here
and then they’re
gonna be doctors
and lawyers i mean that’s flat out there’s like
three options
right so if you come home with seeds
you’re getting in a beat
i got beat so hard bro really
yeah just beat because i got a c on my report card
now how do your
parents feel now that you’re real
successful as
a comedian do they accept that no but when they first
started doing
stand up they didn’t talk to me for years bro whoa
yeah i mean
for birthdays i go
happy birthday
but thanks dad okay bye
that’s it yeah
wow but i understand
culturally what that’s
about right
and then when they saw me on the tonight show
leno like 12 years ago i did it right
that was the
first moment
where they went we fuck up
we totally fuck up
so my dad called me emotionally and i
never seen the guy cry before wow and he
started crying on the
phone goes i
should have supported you but
i never thought you could make
it you know i mean
the main mistake
that’s heavy man yeah
and it was like the bond
you know that they that they
you know i mean discovered that they made a mistake
yeah that the
whole time like me
getting bad grades in
school we get kicked out of
school you know what i mean
and all the behavioral problems
you need that to be a comedian
yeah i know
and i don’t know
a single comedian that got straight a’s and fucking
studied all the time maybe
had a lot of options then
think of good in
school i think
teddy yeah maybe
that’s his fucking problem
and that’s the
root of it right there
and that’s why can i just why my last
point is the reason why that guy cho song we
shot up virginia tech
because his parents were just super
no suppressive his parents okay
always saw the kid talking to imaginary people
yeah in the park you know in like a park
right right
now a normal parent would go
that is a mistake you know i mean that’s wrong
right since the kid was getting good grades in school
they just go you know what he’s getting good grades
right they never address the problem but he’s fucking
crazy right right
like my parents you know i got bad grades
but i was always a good
guy like if i saw a homeless guy you know what i mean
i would give them a dime or
whatever i had in my pocket you know what i mean i was
never an evil person you know what i mean i had a good
heart right
but they didn’t
acknowledge that part of me you know what i mean
of course they only acknowledge that is he getting good
grades what’s colleges is
gonna go do right
so as soon as the guy shot up the school
the korean community harbored
okay this kid
that the appearance of the kid
so that’s why you can’t find an interview online
with the parents
like what the fuck happened
right the koreans harbored
the parents so you couldn’t get the
media couldn’t get to them
then they shipped them to korea
the ship the parents of
korea yeah the koreans don’t live here anymore
wow they live in korea
hiding you know i mean
in pusong or something you
know i mean in some village it’s kind of a fascinating
thing that when someone does something fucked up you
never blame who made them
you know like if my dog goes out and bites people
like all sudden you asshole
you know you did
what did you do with your dog why is your dog so mean
how come your dog wasn’t
contained in
your yard yeah but if your kid goes out and fucking
shoots people and
shoots up a school
nobody like pulls you aside and go hey
what the fuck was
going on when this one was being made yeah
yeah i mean you
saw jeffrey dahmer’s parents
still you know
defend yeah
themselves like you can’t defend that shit
you can but you you can’t rather but
who’s to say that someone can’t just be broken
who’s to say you can’t just have normal people
and this kids just got a fucking wild
screw loose
period and there’s nothing you can do
about it but
can i say something joe and i disagree with you on this
point okay because you know i met your
daughters right just
these well adjusted beautiful kids
right i guarantee you they’re not
gonna eat it somebody
yeah yeah yeah they will not eat
that’s a poor example because that’s
just a few that worked out well we’re not talking
about the average person we’re talking
about there’s like the thing
about dahmer is a perfect example because
apparently he was
never abused
you know and
but his parents
they weren’t together
they weren’t together but
that doesn’t mean anything and the father
when he saw
domer with a dead dog
i brought home a dead animal
right to my dad
i said look
daddy i found a cat
right right
he beat the shit out of me till i
could no longer even move
really and i
never brought
home dead cats anymore did he make you eat it
right okay but this
is this is a
this is a guy that was killing a
bunch of things when he was really
young right yeah yeah but
from what the he’s like one of the few cases that
from what i’ve read online yeah
maybe you know more
about the case than i did yeah
but what from when i read it more
online there’s no evidence that he was ever molested
never had any stories
about it yeah his parents were seemingly normal
yeah maybe you’re right
maybe you’re right
but i don’t know i mean it but i
think a lot of it has to do with up nurture yes
yeah a lot of it does but
maybe not all of it
i mean look if someone can be
completely psychotic
like that virginia text
shooter or like many
other serial killers i mean who knows
there might be a variety of
things that can go
wrong it might not just be nurture it
might also be nature that
might be possible but there also i mean
you have to
admit though that there is a mental
deficiency right sure something going on
and there are
medications out there right
but are there
medications that you can give you a soul
that’s true
you know i’m saying i think
there’s some people that are sociopaths and they
literally they have no feeling for
other people
all they think
about themselves we know a
bunch of them we know a few
comics that are sociopaths yeah yeah
i mean c is a
clear sociopath
no no question
no question yeah you know
there’s a disconnect between you know
these people and reality
for whatever
reason and almost all of them it’s some sort of sexual
abuse when they’re
young yeah almost all of them well
yeah mensia
i guess it came
out in a different way that was what you’re saying
you know what i mean instead of like
slaughtering a
village well
you can come out in a
bunch of different ways you
can come out in drug addiction it can come out in you
know prostitution
girls who do porn you know
in my view but you know my view on mensia you know that
you know i see a side to him
that no one
like you guys don’t see
play the music i play no no
what music what’s
it give me some no no no no
give me some love music
i know you know i’ve known
for a long time yeah
so i don’t see
well you’re like
the neighbor
that you know when well what was dom or like
well he was a nice guy he always said hi and yeah yeah
maybe i am the neighbor he’s always kind to me yeah
maybe i’m the neighbor
you’re the neighbor yeah
but the neighbor
doesn’t get it
look no one
who’s evil is evil to everybody i mean fucking
maybe ed gein had a nice cat
you know that he
treated well
right fuck i
know that guy
correct that game
creepy do you
well in just in
sense that like
you know me inspiring these
huge movies like you
know silence the lambs and
yeah it’s fucking
scary thing is he was doing it back when there was no
other examples of it that was just what he’s
crazy doing
it’s not like this guy learned
about it in
movies yeah
no he was making
clothes out of people
right right right
i think that i
think of making a lampshade
right is worse
than making
clothes they
found lampshades from
world war ii
they’re made out of
nazis made out of jews
they found one recently
was preserved
yeah it’s yeah
it’s horrendous
no one’s gonna buy that like how
could you put that out in your living room sick
or some people
did they make like
clothing to and i like
everything you’re just lampshades like that they’ve ju
brawls i think they just fucking
slaughtered people
and did whatever they wanted to them who said don’t
ever say to bras in
front of me again
do you have in your
house like a room devoted to kim jong io
like newspaper articles over wall wall circles
and some private
investigator photos
i mean do you know him do you mean why would i know him
because it seems like he would be your
enemy right
now if i was you why because it seems like he’s in
everything right now
do you feel some kind of
i don’t know anything
about the dude
brian has brain damage
when he was a
young man he was asleep and
he lived in the
apartment and for years i mean
there has to be carbon
dioxide was
blown on his head
i’m not kidding
this is brain damage
can i just say something to you okay
when i was born right
i saw all the shows that you saw
right right
because i was
lived in america
and tv i listened to the beatles you know what i mean
i smoked high with my friends on a hammock
when did your parents come here
in the late 60s
right and what’s
crazy about my parents is they didn’t even meet in
korea they met here wow
where they met in a
disco and they’re both
super korean
they’re super
du korean but yeah very
traditionalists
i mean not now
so now you grew up in san
diego right yeah
now that’s where i met
bobby when i met
bobby bobby was
bobby was a doorman
do you a dormant i was a dormant it was like 90s
796 maybe 85 yeah
maybe earlier
maybe earlier yeah
it was i just
moved to la i’d only been here for a little
while and i was doing a weekend at the la jolla comedy
store and it was me
and jimmy schubert and i
think diaz was
i don’t think so
i think diaz was
still in seattle at the time
and we went to a
strip club in san
diego and there was these
mexican gang bangers that were like the real deal like
tattooed tears in
their face and
this one dude was
he had these
crazy murderer eyes and
you know and
jimmy schubert was like i don’t know what happened
jimmy was trying to get a
dance from one of
their girlfriends
or something or said something to one of the
girlfriends
and so the guy got up and he got in
jimmy schubert’s face and
jimmy schubert was trying to apologize
and bobby lee just got all
crazy like fuck these
fucking pussies
bobby lee like
you like these guys ain’t shit
these guys are pussies and he was saying it like loud
and the guys were
looking at us and i just got up and i said i’m leaving
right now whoever’s
coming with me is coming with me i’m leaving right now
like i knew we were like
moments away from someone getting shot really
i don’t have
street smarts
oh my god talk
about negative
street smarts
these dudes had
tattoos in their face
there’s certain dudes
where you look at him and he go
these guys are posers
these guys were murderers like
there’s no question
about it yeah they
got a shotgun
we are 15 minutes away from
tijuana okay
and this is
you know this is the
old days when it wasn’t even hard to go back and forth
back in the 90s bro
you needed a driver’s license
it’s all you needed yeah you didn’t have to have a pass
port to go to mexico or come back and forth
dudes were coming back and
forth all the time oh and cab drivers didn’t even they
could just drive back and forth
yeah so easy so
there was a lot of
crime and dangerous
crime looks like you
would run into pockets of of like
extreme danger
and that’s what we were
involved in a pocket
of extreme danger and his bob doing fuck these guys
because he shit
fuck you guys are pussies
these guys are pussies
like saying it loud yeah i know if you were
drunk at the time you know i
would not no no no were you sober yeah
i was 20 i was 23
okay i just left my the hometown paway
was where i grew up pa
way yeah it’s called
pa way yeah
it’s outside san
diego yeah it’s like east
30 25 minutes east of like downtown san
diego right
and i didn’t know much
okay i just do it
started doing stand up
i wanted to impress
you because you know i mean you’re a headliner and i
never met headliners you know i mean
like he’s a headliner so i wanted to act
tough you know i mean
and i came across looking like a fucking asshole
well somehow you came across it was the threat that you
would put us into you’d put us in a yeah
i apologized over the last fifteen year buddy
it’s just a
funny story man
i still love you
just a funny
story but i just remember like this little
motherfucker’s
gonna get me killed yeah
and i remember that i remember
that i remember it
vividly yeah
he was so incredulous
even now we’re waiting to get in the car
ah you guys
were overreacting like get in the i don’t know
what was wrong
with the car yeah yeah
my this i’ve seen murderers before i’ve met
him yeah never
there’s a certain
tweak in a person’s
eye when they’ve already killed somebody
sounds like nonsense but joe i was just in
south africa i did some shows out there yeah
three o’clock in the afternoon
i walked out of my hotel room
and all of a
sudden i’m on the
floor what yeah
i go why am i on the dirt
right and these two
black guys from
south africa
were robbing me
whoa and i and
and i don’t know have any smarts
you mean like they
were what would they hit you with something or they
throw you out
no i walked out and i just
could i saw
these two guys kind of following me
right like oh like i don’t have it in that instinct
right you know i mean
and the next
thing i know they
throw me onto the ground
these two huge
black dudes
right and then
my face is in the dirt and they take my
blackberry and i had some cash in the
other pocket
right they ran off
and then ian
bag you know ian bag
uh huh yeah
ian bag and i looked for two
hours for them
but what are we gonna
do i know nothing why
would you look for because i was
gonna buy my
blackberry off of them
oh that’s good like they’re
gonna accept
money to steal your
money from something that’s
worth money for your
money fuck you
that is the
more money that’s the dumbest
thing i’ve ever
heard i’m just
telling you this happened and the
thing is i just don’t have any
street smarts
wow yeah i just
don’t have that instinct i grew up in the suburbs
wow that’s not just
not having streets marks that’s like that’s like you
haven’t thought this out
and ian bag was down with this plan
yeah what’s his problem
he’s from canada
i think me and bobby are
together in the same
apartment he’s canadian
that’s pretty
crazy yeah yeah
yeah so that’s the same kind of
thing that africa is very
tricky isn’t it it’s crazy
how long were you there for
a month and a half
whoa what were you doing there for a
month and a
half i did a
bunch of shows
in johannesburg durban and cape town that’s
crazy it was crazy bro
i did it with
great comics so i’m in sia
not mitzia um
pablo francisco i hit them
you keep getting
them confused i know pablo francisco
you know yeah
gabriel no it was pablo me
ian orni adams
wow okay i saw a
photo with you and orni online somewhere that was it
yeah yeah so what was the
experience like
well first of
all what are the audiences like they’re africans
no they’re just
white and blacks it’s amazing dm
words dude that
way in the in
the best audiences i’ve ever played in
front of really you crush
you absolutely
crush bro really
because comedy is only like 10 years old there whoa
right and they get
all you turn on the tv you see two and a half men all
these shows
that they get from america
right but they can’t do it themselves
no they have a couple of this guy named
trevor noah who’s a huge star out there
really yeah he’s a
black guy he’s huge
and there’s another guy
named louis so
right so it’s new
so like not
you know these if you’re a
stand up in
south ever you get ad campaigns
like just verizon
and trevor noah you know i mean huge posters
it’s a market dude donom is now playing out there who
jeff donom like everyone’s
going out there now really yeah
rogan joe you would kill
there’s plenty of
places i don’t
get to go to america i got to get back to houston
i’ve been in chicago
in houston not
gonna fucking africa
yeah but what i’m saying is that if if
you know they don’t know me
you know i mean
and they’re
still coming out right
well they probably got mad tv dude no they don’t no
no they don’t know who the fuck i am i open bro
really yeah i mean i had
orney and all
these guys go out they know who
orney is no but the
thing is is that
the producers of the show were like
cause asians are
third class
citizens there whoa
we’re like the
blacks of south africa
right whoa so it’s like you know
so you were like riding the back of the bus
like up until
10 years ago really yeah they had a back of a bus for
asians like back of the bus yeah
they were not
weren’t able to vote
real fifteen years ago yeah yeah
so they view
me as like you know i mean like scum of the
which is crazy haha
you mean it is
absolutely unfoundable you know i mean that
so it’s like so i went up
first and you i could feel
every show dude
people going
you know i mean like just
and i just know
you know bang bang you know what i mean
right you could so you
could feel that
they were like judging you not judging me but there
was a feeling of like what the fuck is this shit right
really yeah how is that not judging you
maybe but the
thing is i know as soon as i open my
mouth i just said the
first couple jokes
i had him on my side you know i mean
you just crush
wow you know i mean because a
they’ve never really seen
asians that have an american accent that
doesn’t have an accent
right right so that in itself is
shocking to them
and b me just talking like an american which i am
and then me
see being funny
you know i mean
shock them too you know i mean
wow so it’s
crazy yeah so you were there for a
month and a half yeah
i mean how many shows did you do i got a lot bro
i did like i know 35
holy shit 30
to 35 who booked that there’s a festival out there
every year you
should do it it’s 30 no i’m not
gonna go in
35 days you can’t do it i don’t want to
i don’t like
going for any place
i don’t even like
going places for four days yeah in it
i like three days and done
yeah in and out but for me it was just like you know
cause i just
never been there
and also you know that was it was just a slow time man
wow thirty five fucking
days in africa and did they pay you in gold coins and
trunk and heads yeah was the aids good no the food haha
did you worry
about malaria
did you worry
about no the
money was good
you go george clooney
got malaria
yeah dude it’s like it’s like being
you did it really yeah you
did oh you did
it’s like being
anywhere else
kind of like if you’re in cape town it’s like
oh there’s a you know a coffee shop and a
you know me
clothing store you know
starbucks are there
no there’s another
thing called this is
there’s only difference is they rob you everywhere
during the day they have they have no
people get robbed all the time wow
the one of the producers of the show
so yeah i was on the freeway
during the day and some
black guy just walked up to the door
his door her door and said
i want the car she just got out gave him the car whoa
yeah pass on africa please
is there a lot of
flies like the
whole no dude
why would you tell me to go to a
place where you get robbed all the time
what’s so great
about it because i’m just saying though because i just
think that you’re a
great comedian
stand up you know what i mean and
i just think that you
did there’s no one like you that’s ever played there
and that you
could clean up
i don’t want to
hang out with
the antwoord
man we could just
over here they’re hanging out
really love them to love yeah i called his
cell phone that’s his voicemail
beep boy beep oh i love
that yeah yeah awesome
that’s cool yeah
yeah we went
gaga on them when they
first came out on the podcast but that’s how i know
about them because
of us south africa
oh because of being
a big there
and also you
so you found out
about them way before everybody else yeah and also
those guys they the way they look
that’s what some of the like
the white people look like know what how popular
is the antwoord
in south africa
was it yeah i know but you go to a like a hip hop
store they have hip hop
stores you know i mean
right there’s a poster or whatever you know i mean
and you know and you know they have
radio stations that play just
regular music
it’s a normal
place you know
it’s just all intense
it’s just it’s just new
you know i mean
civilization is new
right yeah i mean
joe is new that’s what’s
scary about it man
and it’s borders so much wild shit
but that’s you
know if you that’s how russell
peters he did
his first theater show
in south africa
yeah and that’s how he got the momentum
yeah sort of but
russell is just
first of all you know he has a huge following in the
asian community
you know yeah indians
asians yeah they’re just so
happy that there’s another comic like
you know or a
comic like him out there
yeah come out
and massive drone
support him
the community so
strong yeah
but they don’t
what russell sells out like that
everywhere it’s not just you know he’s
crazy yeah he
does two nights this is before
he had that really yeah yeah
his first theater show was in
south africa
how far is that flight isn’t that like 16
hours no it’s
like it’s a 24 hour deal
could you do 12 to amsterdam and the
usual 12 to
south africa god
damn i know it’s the
worst really yeah
it’s the 24
hours in the air you feel like
it feels like two weeks in the in the air
oh my god and you
start sweating
you know you
start sweating
after a while
right it must
wreck your body too yeah
yeah what is 24
hour jet lag it
tears you up
it tears you up
and you have to do
business business
class at least
tell me this yeah what the fuck is
going on on
planes that make you feel so fucking bad when you land
cause i feel like i drink
i feel like when i’m on a
plane i feel like it’s like the same
feeling i get when i do
a show and have like
three shots yeah that’s what
it feels like the air quality you’re pretty much hot
box breathing
other people’s insides
is that what it is yeah and you
don’t know what you know people are just filthy animals
yeah and you know really
sleep on a plane you always
sleep with your mouth open
cause you sit back like this
and like no matter
who you look at it
everyone has
their mouth open
so you just sit
there and go
and sucking that in through your mouth
what is the way
around that there’s no way around that oh i went to a
strip club in
south africa
it was the worst
place i’ve ever been to in my life really i got a lap
dance from a
girl i kid you not that look like dog the bonnie hunter
oh really yeah i
cheated in that she had facial hair
you know what i mean
yeah her breast was like you know me shriveled up
it was awful
and she was
touching you
yeah she’s touching me but i’m
laughing the
whole time you know i mean so you did it on purpose
yeah i just
did it for fun you know
yeah but awful
did you worry
about getting robbed there
no no you just don’t worry
that was happened
i got robbed the last day like the
second of the last day i was there bro
wow so it was like my
let me know
so did you just let like when the guy stole your
blackberry did you try to get another one or it’s a
black you know why because
i know i’m leaving this god forbidden
place you know i mean i
could go back to it you say
you hate it man you trying to get me to go there what’s
wrong with you know what i’m saying
in terms of the trap
joe in terms of like you know me what you
would do they’re business wise
yeah i mean that’s all
to me what’s the most important
thing is having fun and
24 hours in the
plane is not fun
you know like i got a gig coming up in australia
i’m doing some
place called rudy hill
it’s outside of
sydney it’s like the suburbs it’s like all i
could get because it was like a late last
minute thing
and that’s because i’m doing the
ufc out there i like doing
those gigs i’m doing the ufc
so a night before i’ll
do a gig somewhere in australia and i’ve done them in
england and i’ve done
them in ireland i’ve done them all over the place yeah
but i’m not
traveling somewhere for 24 fucking
hours to do an audience just to do a show yeah i can
do that i can do that in burbank man yeah i’m saying
my car and do that yeah so
you know that’s just too
crazy it’s too much of a commitment
yeah but you
know that’s the only i mean when you’re in a
point point in your life with
right now the only
revenue you’re getting is through
much shows right
just gonna have to go fuck it yeah but
why fuck it when you just
build up your audience in america man
that’s how i feel i mean i don’t
there’s nothing
wrong with doing it and there’s nothing
wrong with traveling
but for me first of all part of his
kids i have kids i can’t just go somewhere for a
month that would fucking
drive me crazy yeah but i wanted to see
great white
sharks and shit like that you know
yeah that’s
kind of interesting i mean that was interesting
about australia too seeing crocodiles and shit yeah
and find out that fucking
kangaroos kill more people than anything kangaroos
fuck people up in australia they do yeah there’s big
giant cigarettes
there’s apparently
two different types of kangaroos i forget what
color the big ones are
but the big ones will fuck you up they’re like 300
pounds and shit and they gut people they
they kick you with
their there’s a toad
that there’s a toad out there that’s on
everything everything
yeah yeah that
they that they
shipped there
from a different place
right because they had
locusts or something
that they wanted to get rid of so they ship these
indigenous frogs from
south africa
but that the locust were so high up on
these leaves
that the frogs didn’t eat the locust or whatever
so they just
multiplied oh
and the poisonous so it
today’s ramp
oh shit yeah
people are so goddamn
smart trying
to fix ecosystems yeah yeah it fuck that let’s just
spray the bugs
you spray you cunt
bobby what was eminem like
what kind of what
you meant eminem
right yeah yeah yeah
what was he like
he said nice
nice where did you meet eminem i did
i was in one of his
music videos
oh really yeah
yeah he i got a call saying
come down now
cause they need you
right so i came down i did
three sketches i played sulu
then i played an
eskimo and one yeah yeah and
he’s nice i’ve met him before
and i got to meet dr dre
which is great he has a huge
black hand that just
takes my little hand and
it surrounds my hand
and it’s so dry and perfect
you know what i mean
just soft you know
me it’s like dr
trey’s hand you know what i mean
and he’s so gentle like a
giant gentle
guy who put his hand on your back huge
if something happened he
started lifting weights and got jacked
but he’s kind
a kind guy you
know what i mean
because i grew up with nwa
i love that
stuff yeah so it’s like
that was my
ice cube once that was the fucking coolest
thing ever when ice cube said what’s up joe
i’m like get the
fuck out of here yeah yeah is that ice
cube knows my name
it’s great it’s great
it’s a trip yeah
it’s so crazy that people that
i went to i was in miami
i was in the
front row was gloria estefan
whoa get the fuck out of here i didn’t know who she was
holy shit so
somebody ate backstage before i went up there gloria
estefan’s in the audience
i go who is that
and they go
it’s gloria
estefan she’s huge i go really she’s huge
so i went up on
stage and this is what i said this is i’m an asshole
oh no no i get up on
stage i go ladies and gentlemen
gloria edabon no
and then you know how they shine the
light on her like you know what i mean yeah
and she’s blushing
she’s kind of waving to the audience
and i’m still smiling
cause i don’t know i fucked up oh no
right edabon
and then afterwards she just left
so i was never able to meet her
wow and if you’re listening
gloria estefan
i googled you after that
you know what i mean and i know all your
stuff and i really
sorry for the disrespect
maybe she thought you were doing like an
asian joke though you know
why she’s not asian
no no no that you were
mispronouncing it you know like you were
doing like a character no no because i don’t do that
you know i mean so like i
trust me it came all fucked up
because even the audience went
you know you
could hear them
that’s hilarious
you know me
and i want to
because i don’t know what people like
sports people are
neither i did this one commercial with
these two old men
and i was like
telling one old man to go get me a cup of coffee
a cup of coffee just got one
is it all right you know i mean
and at the end of the
shoot i was i was laughed and they’re like you know who
those guys were i go who
stan makita and gordie howe
who are huge
soccer on a hockey icons right
so you had gordie howe
going getting you coffee it was
he did it in a
it was it wasn’t like
i was joking kind of
like can you get me one of
those two you know it wasn’t like
telling him what to do you know i was not a hockey
fan when i was a kid so i didn’t know i knew bobby or
was like a name i know it was a big deal
and so i was working at the boston athletic club and
and bobby or used to come there and work out and
that’s one of the one of the
first times i’d
ever been around a professional athlete that had been
fucked up from his sport yeah
i did not know
how bad some dudes got jacked by
their sports but
bobby or had scars up and down both legs yeah
where he had some insane amount of knee
surgeries like 16 fucking knee surgeries
something crazy it
might even be more than that
but his knees were so bad
that he would play racketball
and if the ball went to the left or to the
right he would just lean
and fall to the ground
he literally couldn’t move
it was the saddest shit ever man it was so
sad it was the saddest shit ever
and you know what a
versa climber is
it’s like a pole it’s at an
angle it’s got handles for your hands and for your feet
and you kind of
you go up and down up and down with this
thing and it
simulates that you’re
climbing something it’s a lot of versatile
climbing you
can’t do it i used to have to put him on this
thing i used to have to help him
what i used to do is to have to get behind him and i
would have to hold his
waist and he
would put one foot in one of the stirrups
and then you’d have to kind of lift him a little so he
could get his foot into the next one
because his knees didn’t bend
yeah his knees
literally didn’t bend
they went from like
fully extended
to like one
quarter it’s like
johnny’s arms
is way worse than that
well john mccain
seems like he can’t move him past a certain point yeah
shoulders yeah it
is he’s got bad shoulders
needs to rehab that shit yeah
and he rotated
and i feel whenever i see him i feel bad because
asians did that to him
did they yeah is that what happened to them yeah
he was tortured for five years
really yeah they put them in
straps you know what i mean in rope
that’s what fucked up his shoulders
yeah really
what do you think
happened mattresses and car bags
maybe slid into third
the bag with his hands
that’s really what happened they fucked up his
shoulders yeah and when i played they made me play john
mccain what i’m
etie i can look it up how the fuck did
she play look it up
bobby lee jonathan that
sounds silly
right they got the call i got
the call that i want you to play john mccann i go no
they go why
because people like me torture them i’m not playing him
too vietnamese
it’s pretty distant from koreans
but you know what i’m saying though
right if someone said
vietnamese though you’d be
upset no i wouldn’t be
vietnamese at all no i love them
okay it’s not that
you don’t love them yeah but you’d be like you’re an
idiot you know the difference between
vietnamese and korean
there’s a difference yeah there’s a big difference okay
can i just say
something the reason why i said what i said
which part when
you guys put not you guys right
when he put
the video oh
that said that
i think that
oh that video is
a jungle news most
people have have no idea what we’re talking about here
well i don’t know if you read it online
yeah well most people
are not gonna read the
story about you online
bobby lee once was playing around and said something
about vietnamese
wow that’s you as john mccain
you look like donald trump
fuck frank kelly
that’s what it looks like
it doesn’t it yeah look up bobby lee
is john mccain
and it does not look like john but
the reason why i said that was because of dad fan
you don’t like that no i wanted to know
where my resentment
why i would say something like that in the
first place people
yeah and it was because at that time
he was way bigger than me
you know what i mean and i knew
in my heart that i could just destroy him you know
i mean as a stand up
and everyone was saying like
that bothered me then
right well it bothered
me then because they were saying he’s the funniest
asian guy ever
right and i’m like i know
koi i know mark rhodes
you know me i know a lot of
asian comics that are very funny
right i mean
well you know what he had was a killer five minutes
you know and i saw dad fan i was the one of the judges
for last comic
standing yeah the fucking kid destroyed
man i mean he came out and destroyed it wasn’t
the best material in the
world yeah it was like you know who
who cares you know
it’s like pop comedy that’s what he was doing yeah but
he destroyed
and then for whatever reason me
really is really funny
but for whatever reason it just
never caught on
after that that was it
but the thing is that i know him on the club level
right and i
know exactly what he can do like in terms of like
if you were to put
that mi coi
like any of the
other asian guys
in armin that it
would you could
would be able to see
don’t you think that that’s corrosive
thinking don’t you
think that that that kind of
thinking is detrimental
as a as a person to you like when you
worried about what
other people can do not
hearing yourself no no no no
no i don’t i because i know what you’re saying okay
it’s like you know ken john you know his
success i’m very
happy for him
because i’ve done i’ve
went on tour with ken
you know man
right we did the
asian tour right
right he’s been on 15 16 sketches at mad tv
i know his level and i and he’s a hard worker nice guy
and he’s a talent
right okay and
you know i feel the same way
about joe coy or
steve byrne or any of
these guys right
no competitiveness with anybody
but i just i just know
you know i mean
at people’s
talent level
and i just felt that
he didn’t deserve it
yeah but what do you care
this is my point like why are
no but joe i’m better
about it now of course
i know but you’re
still sort of defending it right
no i’m not really determined
that’s what i’m saying
what i asked is do you
think that behavior is corrosive by saying you’re
better than that now you’re saying yes it is negative
right it’s very negative and you know
it was a bad time
really bad time for me it’s
tricky with comedians
we were talking
about someone else
early that gets jealous
about people there’s
there’s it’s very
tricky with comics
for some reason when
comics see one person success
yeah they’ve somehow another
think it is being
taking away something from them
yeah is that it’s in and for me it’s like i
i have accepted
you know mean
i accept what i have in
front of me i love my life
you know mean
but at the time
you know me it was in turmoil
like i wasn’t really you know i mean
i didn’t know what i was doing you know i mean
right and i was
going you know i had just gotten sober
again you know i mean it was a
rough time you know i mean
just you know
you’re just sensitive you know i mean of course
and so yeah i mean
in retrospect it was
really ugly
yeah my point of view that’s one of
those things you have to
learn from now you
know but you see it so much in the open mic night days
you remember when you were an open mic
night guy and
you were just
starting out and then
there would be guys you work with it
started getting work yeah
yeah yeah yeah
dude everyone
would hate i
would hate i
totally hate on people that
would start i’d be like this guy’s
gonna be good fuck him
but he’s obviously
good enough to get a job like you know it’s not
him getting that job
is not taking anything away but this is yeah but the
thing that what you
learn over time though is is that
you realize there’s so much
work out there right
that there’s i feel like there’s enough for everybody
but at the time when you’re not
getting jobs
you know mean
yeah you know that you’re
funny sure it’s just a difficult
transition course i mean
that’s all i’m
saying is it because that fans of
vietnamese is that have anything to do with it uh
no no no no no
because i know that from san diego
first of all he’s a
liar remember like
during the show you said he’d been doing for two years
i started with the guy
your man in san diego
i mean i mean i have
photos with him your
man from back
in the nineties
so he had been doing a long time way long
you know i mean living
underneath the desk all
these things that he said he
claiming he was
doing you know mean it’s not true to me was not true
and also marker cho
wrote him a letters because he’s had
stolen the joke
from her what joke was that i don’t know what joke
you know what i mean
asian jokes is very
tricky it’s like
a buddy of mine
my friend john tobin
from new york
used to say this that when you work with a bunch of
black guys he goes
it’s always if there’s three
comics and two guys are
white and one guy’s the
black the black guy
is always like yeah man i was supposed to be closing
i heard that i was supposed to be closed
he goes unless
two black guys and the
black guy then they’re like yeah i’m supposed to open i
gotta get out
why yeah
that is so funny so
true because it’s
so much hack
shit that guys
would just rely on cause it would work
every time now you’re
white people looking around seeing if you
could laugh at this yeah it’s like jewish material
every person that’s a jew has to talk
about them being
a jew it’s like they all do the same material
it’s like when i went on tour with
the four three
koreans we did the kings of comedy was me
steve bernken
and kevin shay
and no one wanted to close
we would kind of
fight backstage like
you know i mean
i’d have to
close sometimes
you know what i mean and it was very difficult
because it was so much
it’s not that we went
over the material it’s just the fact that
all asian comics have at
least 10 minutes
right of their act
about being
asian right
the point of view
might be different
or the angle right
but you at all
those probably have the most material
right yeah the most material
but yeah but now i have
to kill her shit as asian
that do you
still do that bit
about the vietnamese guy hiding in the camp
no i don’t know
that’s why they
won the war
they can hide in
they can hide in trees for
three weeks
just a banana
that wasn’t it was a killer that was in that
video you were talking
about right just before that we put up that
the one that you got in
trouble for
yeah that video yeah didn’t you talk
about it in that
video no no
no no no i don’t
blame you for the
video by the way
it was just
one of those
no it was just
well for a couple years i couldn’t even look at you why
i’ll be honest
i didn’t say anything
can i just say this i just get this because we
haven’t talked about it
i just want to
bring it up can i
bring it up sure anything okay
there was a time
about i don’t know when
two of the years
that i felt
that there was
animosity between me
and your camp
what because you
never felt it for me
yes i did really
for me yeah i felt i felt that i honestly i felt that
could i be sure
is that i felt that there was a
weirdness because of the whole
the video that i had come out no
and and with ari
you know me me are we not getting along
look when when i called you when there was that the
video that you made
where man see you made you make that
video yeah i called you
about it yeah
i told you i go dude i’m not mad at you yeah i know it
doesn’t about you which was
which was the one
biggest mistake i thought because
if you read the feedback
after that oh my god i
get threats
well you know i
understood your
point of view totally i knew you from back in the
day and i knew your relationship with him and i knew
that you knew he was sick and you were
trying to help him
i knew i knew the whole
story didn’t bother
me at all and
for people don’t know
he just made this
video saying that he
never saw it but
can i tell you how that came
about okay but let me tell
these people
he made a video saying that he
never saw carlos
steal any material
and it was one of
those videos that looked like one of
those terrorist
videos where there’s a fucking
gun pointed to your head and
a knife under your neck okay
so this is what happens
i’m in canada
right the video
right comes on right
and then mincia calls me and
literally six
months ago i erased the message i kept it for that long
yeah man damn it
why didn’t i
it was so he was so
angry i can’t even that was
so great to
play yeah yeah
i erased it damn it
so then what
happens is like i come back from canada and
now it’s the new
season of mad right and
lo and behold
monsieurs mind amen
see i got picked up
right and it’s
literally attached to my tv
like the studios are right
so i’m like
and i hadn’t seen
carlo since the
video went out right
so for a couple
of days i’m like i know how to get around
the stairs right and i’ll
sneak around the back here
and this guy
this is how i want to get that right
well next thing you know he grabbed one of his cousins
bergum’s the mad tv
who’s a friend of mine
brings me over
right and then i had like
six mexicans just sit
me down are you sure they were really max i don’t know
they’re japanese yeah you have to do some
japanese yeah
guatemala yeah
and you know carlos is there
ned and he just goes was he sitting in a
throne no it was outside and he just goes
you gotta do this for me
so i did it
you know what i mean and then that happened and then
you know what i mean the weirdest part
about the video though what sucked is is that
you made this
video that didn’t even seem like you even knew the
video you were talking about
it almost seemed like whatever i can’t remember the
actual words in it it
sounded like you were talking about a video
that you hadn’t seen
which it was even weirder because
i got caught between
two camps that i you know mean
i’ve always had a relationship with right
joe and i have known
each other for so long i don’t have a camp
it’s like you don’t mean people human
not camp you know what i’m saying okay
and then you know mensia had a group his group
right and i felt like i was in the middle and that
you know i mean i felt like at a time
where i had to choose i felt like
i stayed on of it
you know me
for the most probably i for the longest time
i wouldn’t talk
about it in
radio or anything like that because people
would bring it up
i’d go on tour and they’re like
so you know i mean and i’d be like i don’t want to talk
about it you know i mean
as far as just like the amount of
interest generated
by that that’s probably one of the most controversial
videos in like
the history of comedy it probably was you
know it kind of
crazy it was insane
but you know what also kind of
crazy was you remember what the
environment was like before anybody called him on that
where everybody was on eggshells you’re constantly
terrified of that guy walking in the room yeah was
crazy and then he was
becoming successful is
becoming successful and then just
yeah like i said you know i just don’t see that part
you see the
movie i inform
you say that
how can you say that because you do you did because
it stole some
shit from you man i mean i know you had issues with
okay i know can i just say this though yes all right
here’s what
it is okay like we said before okay that it is like
you know one of
those situations where
he the guy when i was an open micro
right used to he bought me a car
it was a used car
but i didn’t have a car right
and then he took me on tour him and polly
shore like would rotate
like one guy
would take me one you know
i mean who was more fun to hang out with on the road
obviously polly
because he didn’t make me cry you know i mean but like
i used to get
pussy you can’t get
pussy on a minsier show
why not because they’re all
married and
have 19 kids and you know what i mean and they’re like
any man see offend
you know i love you but my point is
you know what i mean but my
point is is this that so how did he make you cry
well he would make me go to golf with him
what he like he plays golf and i hate golf
and i have to get
early and carry you know like
bring the golf back you
would have to
bring them i did it once or
twice and i stopped doing it you know i mean and then
tell you and then one
time oh no no no one time he let’s
move over that
and then you
carry back the one time i had to
we played denver once and he made me
sleep i didn’t give me a
hotel room this
is what he wasn’t doing as well
he like it was in the beginning
and i had to
sleep in albert’s closet
cut the fuck out of here
on the road with them and you didn’t even get a
hotel this is he wasn’t selling out at the time this is
literally in ninety six ninety five
yeah i mean
wow but it’s so you know you you know you he is like
he was always like you know a brother
in a sense you know i mean
you know regardless
he nurtured you
you didn’t nurture me like i
think that the how
did you cry what made you cry
just having to like get
up and like you know there was a time we had to sell
merch and and as a
young comic
you know i mean
you don’t know
what to do you want to make it you know you what you
appreciate the stage time
and it was just
so he makes you work for him
and on top of just opening up for yeah but to be honest
a lot of guys do that shit dude really
yeah i don’t when i because i have openers now and i
treat them with all those
okay yeah probably does all the time
you know i mean
didn’t paul
get you to work for free
didn’t probably
you that’s another i can’t i cannot
you can’t discuss that
no because it’s another
that’s another
you know i mean
it’s what it what it is this okay is
mency is one
thing but polly right
he specifically
made me a regular there
like he made his mom pass me
right right
and so there is a specific relationship
no one on planet earth
talks to me like polly talks to me
in what way he
talks to me like i’m
literally his younger brother
still do they
and i understand it because you know i’ve
known him for so long
but in in the
world in the
world i’m almost
forty you know i mean
i don’t let anyone talk to me the way polly talks to
me so it’s fine
but talks to you in a disrespectful way
no it’s just like did like he’ll say did
you know me you
like he’ll say
stuff like did you
should be bigger than you are now
you know mean
what about you
bitch yeah but the
thing is i say that no
i don’t say that so you
wouldn’t what happened with you and see
no man in the hey hey
i have to go to the comedy
store once in a
while i want
someone talking to you like that’s not nice
yeah but polly also you know
when i moved he’s like a big brother though you know i
lived in his
house you know me you lived in his
house well he
charged me rent
but the thing
is is that you know any problem on the road so it’s
a key really bad i’ll be back in one
second okay
is that cool sure go ahead
so joe there’s
gonna get a
story straight it’s
gonna go in there no i don’t have my stories if i said
about polly
no no i’m just kidding i’m just kidding
turn around so joe i saw a
movie last night you
you already
bought it i guess yeah
it’s called
enter the void
and it is like somebody saw you talk
about dmt and
tried to write a
script around it around some
living in tokyo
i mean well
maybe they just did it
huh well no
it has a lot to do with dmt
and i’m saying
maybe they did yeah but how they describe it in the
movie sounds like they’re reenacting you
you’re gonna fucking like the
movie was made for you it’s really amazing
then it gets really annoying
but like the
first half of the
movie is like
wow this is fucking cool
they show a dmt
thing what would
it what it feels like to be on dmt
for the first half of the movie
and there gets parts where it
sounds exactly like how you describe it
and then whoever
directed the movie
which is name is
hold on i tell you one second
it’s directed by gasper no
he is brilliant when
does it come out on dvd it came out tuesday
it’s on netflix
we already have it netflix
streaming hd 2 but it is
so amazing if i ever make a
movie i want to make my
movie look exactly like this guy
wow brilliant
but then it gets really
annoying and there’s all
these like why’d it get
annoying um well
one of the directors
things is like it does like the strobe light
thing through it
it gets so bad that i feel like i’m getting
hypnotized like it’s this
movie was made by google
or the government and it’s like
you’ll see what
i mean like you’ll sit there and like i’m
gonna have a seizure
i’m having a seizure
wait i’m being programmed to do something
all right this you know it’s do you know
that there’s an
olympic logo that they had
a poll because it was giving people epileptic seizures
wait what was that al
rocher thing
where al rocher
i listened to
it on opie and anthony it was pretty fucking funny
because opie and anthony were shitting on al rocher
because al rocher was making fun of epileptics
he said so if you’re
still watching
this if you’re not flopping around on the ground
you know and so he
starts making fun of it and then the next
day he comes back and says i was only making fun of
the ad i was
never making fun of epileptics
right which is
total bullshit
when you see this though it’s amazing that there’s not
fucking five warnings
on the dvd before you even
watch it cause
it’s so bad that it feels like you’re being fucking
brainwashed
would you remember that dude that we had on the message
board that his wife was epileptic and she
would watch certain avatars on people’s
screens they have
flashing avatars yeah
what was his name jim jim
he’s a nice guy i hung out with him he was
marilyn manson’s webmaster
right really fucking good dude yeah
i hung with him and his wife and his wife has some
weird condition
where she if she sees anything
flashing strobing
those little animated gift files that flat
she would just
tongue rolls back
eyes roll back in her head
falls onto the ground this movie
would make her pregnant
that’s how bad it is i mean
fuck is it with people that
certain things just make your
brain shut off
like flashes and
strokes i can
understand that
like if you see this
you’ll feel sick
in your stomach
when you see parts of this movie
you’ll have to turn away and
look at the ground for like but
is the movie good
the movie is the director
you’ll fall in love with the director the movie
is so good at the beginning and interesting and just
you’ll never
see anything like it in the trips the visuals if you’re
stoned when you see it
you might have a
panic attack i
watched it in 3d last night
and i was like i am
tripping right now i feel like i’m on acid
right now really it’s so good
then it just gets
boring and confusing and
don’t tell me
why and why
would i want to watch it
no no it’s it’s interesting
i mean it’s
still i like it but it just kind of fades off
after it gets
it’s really cool and then it kind of just kind of well
you and i don’t always
agree on movies there’s probably a few
movies that you
ever seen the
movie irreversible
what irreversible
irreversible
no what’s that
about it’s a
movie played backwards
right and it’s notorious because there’s a five
minute rape
scene in it in a
tunnel which i
swear to god
the most brutal
thing i’ve ever seen in my life
and people’s online say it’s the
worst rape scene
ever you have to see it
so real this is a japanese
movie no it’s german or
some shit like that nice yeah they’re fucked up human
centipede not
not into that
not into watching people get raped
yeah yeah i
watched food ink the
other day great
and fucking
disturbing man i
watched it on the way home from west palm
beach florida
and it’s disturbing shit dude
when that lady
started talking
about her son dying
about her son got e coli
from jack in
the box burger and how he was suffering at the end
i had to shut it off
even in the 70s
jack in the box had a big controversy
where not only one person died but a
bunch of people died
yeah yeah from
their food dude food inc is
scary as fuck
you know and i’ve had some people
email me and
tweet me saying that well it’s not
really that bad it’s propaganda they’re just trying to
shock you but
how can they be trying to
shock you if they’re showing you reality
i mean if what they’re showing
exists on any level
it’s terrifying when they show
these cows that are caked in manure
and this one cow
there was a plastic ring and
his stomach was exposed
and they were
reaching into
his stomach
i’m like whoa what the fuck and how
about chickens man if you didn’t know i mean look
if you like your cheeseburgers and you like to go to
wendy’s two o’clock in the morning and i do too man
don’t watch this movie
it’s gonna fuck with
your head but this
these chickens they give
these chicken steroids and antibiotics and
all kinds of
things and they fuck with
their genetics somehow in
order to get them to grow
so ridiculously big and plump that they can’t walk
and they die
all the time they just fall down and die not foster
farms people make fun of like chinese people
yeah they have
those commercials
about how they plump them up and put salts and
stuff like that
and just make them really fat with like salt and
water and stuff
in foster farms that’s all
their whole advertising is
based on that so there are advertisers
based on they don’t use hormones right oh
okay well that’s good to know man
it’s good to know
it’s gotta be a
humane way to make food if it costs a couple bucks more
it’s worth it
i don’t know how much more it
would cost to not have cows
i’m down with eating meat okay
don’t get me wrong
but the way that they’re doing
the way they’re
producing meat for you know for fast food and for
it’s just it’s fucking
crazy it’s just
it’s totally beyond
being humane
it’s beyond that it’s gotten to this factory
consciousness less
you know like
just feelingless
place where they’re just
stuffing all
these animals in these
small areas and getting as much bang for
their buck as they can well they
make this food
like they make an ipod like it’s a factory system
right and if there’s no love or care or and it’s just
let’s make the product
that’s why people
make fun of chinese all the time for the
things that they eat
like if you ever
gonna do a chinese market
you can get anything
butterfly wings
or you know what i mean or you know what i mean
the shoulder of a meerkat or whatever
i mean like
don’t eat anything
but the thing is that americans eat way
worse right
with these cows you know i mean
just tainted meat
yeah you know i mean
people think that well also
first of all
china has a
billion people yeah
and it’s self sustainable
china doesn’t import food from anywhere else
right so that’s pretty
crazy yeah yeah even
of itself they’re able to feed a
billion people when you feed a billion people like that
you got to eat bugs
okay that’s what’s
gonna there is a restaurant and bank on
that person
animal dick that’s all they do and there’s a six
month waiting
list to get on into this restaurant what animal dick
bangkok how do you order that
i’d whisper
there was a anthony bourdain show
the other day
where they were serving animal dick soup
apparently it was really good
yeah it’s supposed to get your vural
wow yeah really and
check this out
that movie you
brought up irreversible whatever it’s called in
a movie i was talking about
same director
what is the fucking odds
of that shit dude really that is insane that’s insane
wow yeah yeah it was a good
movie this director i
might watch
your you’ll love
your reversible
though that’s
crazy but you’ll stop at that
was the five
minute rape
scene you’ll turn it off
well that was i was saying
i was so sad when i was
watching this
woman cry that
her son died from jack in the box was like
you know this is just bumming me the fuck
out i get it i get it i get the foods fucked up the
whole situations fucked up i don’t really need to keep
going here it’s just
it’s like what are you
gonna do though that’s the big question
you know the
problem with us is you know with everybody is
you’re always doing something you’re busy you’re hungry
what are you
gonna do there’s a
supermarket but you don’t have time
especially on the road
yeah especially i mean
that the waffle
house is open you’re like okay i have to go
there you know yeah yeah
the road gets creepy
yeah as far as the food choices go i always
bring vitamins with me i try to eat as much
salad and stuff on the road as possible but
yeah i don’t
understand how they don’t have
twenty four hour
restaurants in
small towns
all right if everyone
closes eleven it’s
like you can’t eat anything you have to go to the wall
i’ve been i’ve been to walmart
walmart’s at like
three in the morning
just getting like
fruit you know what i mean
like you know just
surviving yeah it’s insane food yeah
yeah if you go to
small towns there’s no 24
food yeah yeah that’s a
tricky thing
and you know you’re
staying at the holiday inn there’s no room service
yeah yeah i’ve been there something we talked
about a couple weeks ago came true
when we were talking
about how people’s jobs are getting
taken away by
robots and stuff like that i was at
el pollo loco
the other day
which is like a chicken mexican chicken
place and they had the
order yourself
kiosk up now
where you sit there at menu
screen like taco
special instructions no burrito
and then you pay for it like kind of like a grocery
store and then they just
call out your name
and give you
your food so i cut out the person cut out the cashier
and it’s actually nicer
it was so nice
cause you know a lot of times you order
but you don’t even
think like yeah i would like
extra tomatoes on this but
i don’t like how many times you’ve been in a fast food
place and you
talk it’s like
who there was a girl on rat tv that had a really
funny sketch about that
there was a girl on mad tv she’s very pretty
and she had a very
funny sketch
about a girl who was the
counter help but she was always like oh bon kuku
yeah that one
yeah yeah yeah angela who does that angela johnson
she’s very funny yeah she’s very funny yeah
that girl had a really
funny vietnamese
nail salon yeah that went
to yeah yeah
doesn’t that
bit have like 10 million hits or something on you yeah
she’s a sellout on the road
from that bit
she’s killing
it yeah yeah and how many minutes does she have
as an act 22 minutes
23 minutes i had
heard that she was a middle
and she was middling yeah and
crushing and filling
places and then the headliner
would go on
after him half the people
would leave
steve owes doing that now
really yeah
healing no he’s a
he was in new
york he hosted but now he’s closing but he
closes with thirty
which is fine well what you
should do is host
what guys should do if they’re not really
bring a bunch of good
comics on the road
and host you know i
watched charlie murphy
develop an act
from nowhere you
know i’ve met charlie two years into his his journey
you know and i
watched him as he was trying to put together his act
yeah charlie went
right to headlining
man yeah i know and it was fucking hard i bet
fucking you see that
thing on the con
line i’m getting booed
on stage yeah
yeah and it’s that room
mm hmm that room is so retarded
what room is that
oh no what what
here’s what i’m saying
black crowds no no that’s what i’m saying what do you
say that’s not exactly what i didn’t say that at all
so what did you say
just those kind of rooms are
fucking hard
difficult i
retarded was the
wrong word black
crowds shock the
sundays no not
crowds do there’s
two kind start failing
they’re not rooting for you to get back on your feet
what i’m saying is that i go on
i go on the road
right and i get
black people to come to my show
and they’re
legitimate fans right
and i love them dearly that’s not what i’m talking
about but there’s a
cultural thing
you know what i mean
when you go to a certain areas like
south philly or whatever
right and you do a show
and it’s all
black right
even in the lineup
and you had to perform
it’s the most difficult
situation ever
right for a guy like me
well you know it’s a different kind of
crowd and i
think the good thing
about those
crowds is that they don’t let you be indulgent
and they want your jokes to come quick
they wanna come
quick yeah they don’t they don’t
wanna wait around they’re also tonal
right you’re
told you can’t be monotone no
you gotta you know i mean
you know some
excitement attitude
total that’s
right you know me or whatever you know i mean
if i cause i now i’m like i used to be more
energetic now i just kind of talk like this because
can would be
more myself
and no not only that is because
no is because
it’s it’s pace
right you know when i
first started headlining
i wanted to do what i did as an opener
which is go out in gung
ho get them
you know what i mean as a headliner
and then fifteen minutes in you’re out
right you mean you just can’t
do that pace for
forty five minutes well you you gotta
first of all it’s not fun for the audience either you
gotta create a show
that’s like when you go to see a
movie it’s not
you know an opening gun
scene that lasts for ninety minutes and the
thing shuts off you like what the fuck did i just
watch yeah so now i
build you know i mean yeah but in
you have peaks and valleys yeah but in
black rooms
you can’t do that
you can’t do that
there’s no peeking
you just keep
hammering i just feel like you have to be like
earthquake and just
hammer it away
well he’s got to do it and what how long does
earthquake do 45
but he’s he’s if
he’s like perfect
45 sprinting uphill
ah shooting all the way
yeah yeah yeah like it’s not
throw your backpack back and
throwing lying your
and then once you lose them like in a
white room when you lose them you get them you
think i’ll get them back
right there’s no
getting black
crowds back yeah
wow i want to try it i want to try it
black you will die
you will die up there
son you will
get barbecued i did the most important
thing with black rooms is
economy of words
right as well and a
short attention span
you got to hammer them with bits i did
my black version
of my set once at
flappers in burbank
and it actually killed
it was like what do you mean the
black version
i just do it more like he said instead
of doing your jokes normal i kind of be like
i went to the
store the other day to get a hat
and my girlfriend
got the same one oh my
god kind of like it’s just
starting out
i see is he
just starting out
you know is he is he
or whatever his name is
a zoo a zoo
a zoo yeah aziz
and zari and zari
yeah it’s kind of like his his
whatever his character
is you know it’s kind of like that but it worked
no it worked
though that’s what i’m saying he hears phantom
laugh still
first of all i don’t even know
what flappers is
flappers and burbank is it good
who played it
never been there yeah i may
never play there i
heard it’s good it’s really it’s really nice i
heard it’s nice brand new
you’d like it yeah i just
know i just don’t do well in
those kind of things
what do you mean you don’t do well i don’t do good in
ha ha the ha ha
yeah why not
because i don’t know what it is it’s just because i
think what it is is because it’s free
oh the audience is
not paying to go there
that’s not what i’m saying
what i’m saying though is is that you’re doing this
free set no that’s not what i’m saying either what i’m
saying is there’s two types of audiences i feel okay
the one that’s
why i don’t comp when i do on the road go on the
road because of the fact that if you comp right
they just a general
feeling of like you know i mean it’s not a good show
yeah it’s not a good show
expect much exactly you know
me but when you have people pay
right people are respectful
yes you don’t have it as many hecklers you know
and i’m fine i don’t care who comes but the
thing is that haha
right they don’t
not only do they not pay you
but you have to pay for your drinks
right like can i get a red bull
they go three
dollars or whatever i’m like i’m playing it for free
yeah i mean
already there’s a sign
there’s a feeling
of disrespect now i don’t know what flappers is like
but i just don’t like that disrespect flowers
is a real club
okay it’s nice
i know what you’re talking
about though you
do you do some
fringe clubs that are used to dealing with open
micros and doing guys
doing great
shows yeah yeah that’s what it is when
you go and do a set there they don’t
they don’t treat you differently
well here’s a paid
season and i don’t need
dude i don’t need much all i need is this can i get a
drink for free
like a bottle of
water okay and
in town of course i’ll do a millions
free shows you know what i mean and
be respectful
isn’t it funny how
places like
that are just a little bit outside of the city
and they’re a different
world you know
it’s a different world but
crowd feels different yeah
when you do
north hollywood do you see races you’ve
never seen before like is that an
aztec indian
whatever you know i mean like i
think it’s died off or something
you know yeah it’s weird
where’s your favorite club to work out at
seattle seattle
comedy underground no
what place parlor live
parlor live what is that no
part of the
live is a new club there and it’s attached to
one of the microsoft
buildings yeah
yeah and it’s like
it’s a nightlife
if they have pool hall
dance club comedy club in one
how big is the little comedy
club it’s huge it’s like not but huge but 300
it’s 300 right
and it’s one of
those places
where i sell out is it
seattle yeah
it’s like it’s
a little outside of seattle but it’s like
15 minutes from the city right
and it’s called beaumont
okay okay and
literally it’s
clean like the
you know the the
stage is nice
you know what i mean
right the green room is
clean brand new couches
you know what i mean
right it is just a nice
nice environment
right you make a lot of
money you know what i mean and you like seattle
and yeah and the the kids
over the people that are in the audience
are nerdy they make money
right right
and they just they’re just
happy to be there
here i mean
it’s weird how
parts of the country are not hit by the economy and
other ones all that’s one of them
yeah when i was in west palm they were telling
me that no we didn’t really get hit by the economy
i know that’s
crazy because it’s all retirees
and old people with
money and i’m sure some people
from west palm were like fuck you we got hit yeah you
know but the club was like they didn’t really they
really didn’t suffer
yeah like kansas city i went
they suffered it feels like
there was a suffering that’s the kind of
place that works
yeah like iowa
yeah the whole
thing is so strange because i don’t
understand the economy so i’m always like okay well i
guess it’s better now
is it better now is it coming around it’s not
like my parents
for the last 35 years owned
their own clothing
store they had own
business you know it’s called
at first it was called fashion girl it’s a
clothing store for fat ethnic women
fashion girl yeah
cash fashion gal
fashion gal yeah
and so it’s like
cater to it’s like lane
bryant but for ethnics okay okay
and they did fine over the last 30 years and
as soon as the economy had
i mean they went bankrupt
you know i mean i have to pay for
their mortgage you know what i mean
and they are destitute
bam it is tough
they live in phoenix you know it’s
tough for them
and they had to fire
their whole
staff now they work and they’re in
their 70s whoa
where do they work now at that same
place at the
store that it’s called changes now
and they do
shifts like my mom will do the morning
shift my dad will come in
and there’s a bottle of there’s
literally a bottle of piss like a jug of piss
because they don’t have any employees
right so my dad has to piss
in a jug oh my god right
cause you can’t
leave you can’t
leave the store
oh my god and it
doesn’t have a bathroom there
no it’s in the mall
right oh my
god so it is sad what if he has to shit
he just holds it what
well unless it’s a turtle head situation he
could die he
could die he
should get a diaper
so everyone go to what’s it called again
what’s the name
changes she got everyone go to changes it’s in
arizona what
would point are
like it feel
like outside you the chandler or something fuck mesa
something like that
yeah that’s a
scary thing being an old person
you know when your body slowly
starting to fade away and you’re
still laboring
every day and by the way that takes years off your life
you know getting up before you want to working doing
things you don’t want to do all day
yeah but i told
my dad i go dad you don’t have to work i will
how much do they need what two twenty
five hundred
bucks three thousand a
month right
to get by right
maybe even less
right i said
you know i said
you know with the unemployment
social social security
retire and i’ll i’ll take that over the rest
those words you know
what my dad said what
if i don’t work i die
wow right so i go all
right keep working
cause i don’t want him to die you know good call
yeah but it’s sad because he
still got that ethic
that asian work
ethic man that’s
weird that they have to work that’s a trippy
thing he’s fucking crazy dude
yeah it’s a very
weird thing man dealing with people’s mortality and
parents it’s
weird when you realize
especially your parents get to a certain
point in time you
realize you probably have more information in your head
about the way the
world works and your parents do
cause your parents
grew up in a
totally different time
you know they
weren’t curious
when they were
young yeah fucking
it’s strange a strange
thing man it
yeah it’s actually kind of sad
it is yeah and it’s
gonna be you someday too
maybe you think you’ll have kids no
never no no no
you gonna get snipped
go doug’s tan
hope style no
no just hope
no because i masturbate so much
that what comes out is like vising drops yeah yeah yeah
like bloop bloop and it’s done
that’s it how many times a day you masturbating i do
now a couple times missing two eyes once
maybe how often do you use the
flashlight i
haven’t used it in six
months really you just go
use your hands instead
yeah what’s
wrong with you why
flashlight feels better
yeah but then i have to heat the oil
then i have to let it
cool then i have to let
it cool then i have to put the batteries in the back
speaking of sex there’s a fucking
there’s a story in the news today and
apparently it’s a legit
story there’s a man who’s suing
glaxos smith klein
the pharmaceutical company
and he’s alleging
that there’s a drug that they gave him to
treat parkinson’s disease
that turned him into a gay sex and gambling addict
at 51 years old
the guy it said the 51 year old’s lawyer says
their client’s behavior
changed radically
after his first
administered a drug in 2003 for the illness
which caused his tremors
blah blah blah
the man is a
married father of two
says he has attempted suicide
three times
claims he became addicted to internet gambling
losing the family savings and
stealing to feed his habit
he also became a compulsive
gay sex addict
and began exposing himself on the internet and
cross dressing
this risky sexual behavior
the risky sexual encounters led to him
being raped his lawyer said
his behavior stopped when he
stopped taking the drugs in 2005
by then he had been
demoted in his defense ministry job and suffering from
psychological trauma
resulting from his addictions
so he just went on a gay sex
gambling rampage
that’s not what happened though
no but listen man
you’re not right it’s not true
because i put this up on twitter and a
bunch of people who
neuropsychologists and a
bunch of different people are qualified
started sending me like i got like six or seven
tweets from people who
either studying it in
school or actually doctors in the
field and they were saying that it’s
a dopamine agonist i
think that’s the word yeah and that
it does facilitate addiction and it can
interrupt your natural
patterns no
i agree with that
all right but what i’m saying is that it does if
what if you have an addiction of
exposing yourself and doing gay sex
right that’s been hidden inside you for many years
so you think this was just it’s not
out of the yeah
out of the blue
what’s up i wanna suck
dick out of the blue he’s taking a
crazy drug no not out of the blue
maybe it seemed more
exciting to him
maybe it never like regular sex he’s
fifty one years old
maybe regular sex was god
so tired of getting laid
i mean think
about another 11 years for you you’re 40 years old
think about another 11 years from now
you’re like god i’m so
tired of pussy is so boring
and then somebody gives you
the drug you’re like why don’t you go suck some cock
and you’re like why don’t i suck some cock i made you
dress up like a girl
yeah i’ve heard this phenomenon
when people
are so jaded with sex like rock stars or whatever
or whatever that it
you don’t mean they get so
tired of it
it just turns into dick you know what i mean
well i don’t
agree with that either i
think dick was always in the
you know in the
picture yeah but i
think everybody’s got
their own little
story about how i mean there was a lot of
bisexuality
going on in the 70s
according to
many people
mick jagger and
david bowie
and lou reed all that
stuff yeah yeah
yeah but i think a lot of that was like
you know probably one
crafty gay dude talked all
these other
you know it’s just cool man yeah
yeah plus they’re all doing acid and
experimenting with
their consciousness and
you know it is like one of those
lost taboos
it’s like okay well let’s stop and look in the why is
gay sex such a
okay i agree
with this okay if you’re fucked up
like you’re faded you’re on you’re
drinking you’re almost in a blackout
drunk you know what i mean
and you’re with
david boy and you’re a big rock star
and dilly if
david boy pulls out his
penis right
he’s like suck
it you know i mean i don’t know why do you have to be
blacked out
drunk what i was just saying was
maybe they’re
experimenting with different ways of looking at the
world you know
maybe they’re
being an artist and being like
a rock star
being a creative person
there’s a lot of
people that are created people that are willing to take
weird chances and and do
weird things to
see what maybe i’m not saying there’s anything
wrong with it
so what do you say you
know i mean i you know i have gay people that represent
don’t go there stop but what i’m saying i’m not
racist i have
black friends no no okay
okay right you’re right
but what i’m saying is this
that i don’t have anything i know
against but you’re convinced
though that i’m
saying this is because of the pills
what i’m saying is that what’s this guy’s name
ted haggard
haggard right
just out of
the blue you know what i mean he does man he’s
never said out of the blue that he said he was gay the
whole time he
never said that he’s been doing
interviews recently
where he says he was bisexual the whole time
yeah he said
what his issue is he said
about it that’s what i’m saying though
but that’s not what
you’re saying you know what i’m saying that the guy
that he didn’t
okay but this guy that
never had an
exceptional
encounter he hit it
yeah that’s what i would
think that bobby
what bobby’s saying is probably true too
like he probably had it in the back of his head yeah
and because of
socialization
right he just he just refuses
right to address it and
i agree that the pill
did something to open his mind up
maybe you know what i mean
but i feel like that instinct is there yeah that
is okay that is a possibility but why
would you want
to decide one way or another without being that guy why
would you even make a judgment call like how the fuck
could you know
what caused this
guy to do gay sex and once you go into his past and
interview him and
find out have
you ever been attracted to guys did you ever have a
wrestling match
where you got a boner
unless you why even
it is possible
if attraction and all
these different
things are really
neurochemical reactions that we have inside of our mind
or inside of our brain
if we figure out a way to
stimulate certain parts of the brain
look i mean
think about what we
can do as far as like antidepressants and all sorts of
things that affect
mood and neurochemistry
what if they can give you
something that makes you attracted to the opposite sex
what if they
can give you something that you’re gay and all of a
sudden you like girls
or give you something
where you’re heterosexual
they were trying to do that in iraq
they were trying to come out with a bomb the cia was
they actually put research and development into this
a gay bomb a bomb that they
would detonate
and it would be some sort of a chemical
agent that would go into the air
and it would make all
these soldiers become
rabidly attracted to each
other and they would lose
morale they
would just start fucking
but i even think i’m the
strongest of
ecstasy i never wanted to suck a dick
that’s some
ecstasy we’re not talking
about it i know but it
doesn’t seem
like any drugs
no no no any drugs
has a very specific
affection reaction but it
doesn’t make you sexually attracted to someone
it is possible that there
could be something
as strong as what excess
he does for you
in terms of affection and
sensitivity and feeling for
things and a loosening
of insecurities it’s very possible that something else
could do it
another way that all of a
sudden makes you gay
i mean if you
talk to a gay guy like we have gay friends and
you and i together
we have gay friends we
go to the gym and go see
bobby lee hey bobby
go watch musicals
when you talk to them they
never feel like there’s something
wrong with them
you know they feel pretty fucking normal so
what is it that separates
you know like
i can’t say
his name but the dude who’s our friends is the
piano guy from the store yeah
great fucking guy okay
so what is the difference between him and us
well the only difference is that he’s attracted to men
well what is
where is the
connection in his mind is it
a chemical door that gets open
is it a chromosome
thing is it a genetic
thing what is it
you know yeah
you know there’s a
theory there’s one
there’s a theory
about homosexuality
and one of the one of the more interesting theories
was they did a
study in rome
and what they
found is that when
women are promiscuous
especially like
habitually promiscuous
women that constantly
cheat on their men
they have a disproportionate amount of gay sons
and they believe
that what it is is a variation of the x chromosome
women have double x
chromosome men have x y
and they believe that there is a variation of the x
chromosome among certain
women that makes them
incredibly attracted to men
to the point
where literally
they can’t even fucking control themselves like
their their number one obsession
is getting new
dick they just want to get new dick all the time
and this gets
transferred into
their sons and
their son all the
sudden has this incredible
attraction to men wow totally makes
sense yeah because
haven’t you met girls like that
no you never met a girl that’s just a fucking freak
oh yeah yeah yeah
yeah we’ve all met girls that just
seemingly this poor girl’s broken
and she just can’t help fucking everybody yeah you know
but the only way to
truly find out
if this is true is for me to take that pill
and i’m not
gonna do it what
doesn’t exist but
i mean this drug
exists no by
the way this one
but here’s the
thing it’s one guy okay
how many people took it and it just cured
their parkinsons
that’s what i’m saying though
joe no no no but that
doesn’t mean
anything this guy is good no no no no no
listen it doesn’t mean anything because look
how many people are addicted to peanut butter i’m not
i just had peanut butter and i’m fine
if you give peanut butter
to a guy’s addicted to peanut butter he fucking dies
his throat closes up he can’t get any air in
there’s a biological variation in
human beings
and you have to take that into account what if
for this guy’s
for whatever and
weird tweak
he takes this
fucking drug and goes on a gay sex rampage you
might be totally right he
might be a freak
and he might be
just a loser
he lost all his
money and that’s why he’s suing this company okay how
about this how
about this how
about this can i say this
could be how
about this my
money is i take the pill let
some that guy
right i take the pill
i want a gay sex
get on the pill i go on a gay sex rampage
right right how
about me just not taking it ever again
well i’m like
it wasn’t just that i’m not taking the pill
again this guy also lost all his
money yeah and gambling i
think that he
hit his bottom don’t take the pill anymore
right well you you’re a
twelve step guy so you understand
about all that that shit with people in denial
about that shit yeah
you know i mean
it’s a weird
thing when you’re around people that are in denial
about what caused
their issues
right yeah and there’s also i know that doing drugs
and that kind of behavior isn’t the root of the problem
the root of the problem is something else
those are just symptoms
right but if a guy is
or has been shown to be a fine
upstanding human being
i mean i don’t know
this guy’s history that’s the problem with having this
stupid argument
or this conversation rather
when you lose that much
money in gambling
immediately that’s a red
flag to me like okay this guy’s probably but it wasn’t
until after he became
gone on the
medication they
started gambling
apparently he didn’t gamble before that
gamblers are
often you know
they tell the truth
i don’t have a problem with gambling but i easily
could have i was terrified of it
when i used to play pool
and i used to be around a lot of gambling addicts
i was around a lot of them guys
and i see them and i
would say this is
scary shit whatever
you obviously gambling is fun
and it becomes too much of an addiction to
these people whatever it
is don’t don’t do whatever the fuck they’re doing can
i tell you just what happened with gambling i was in
for a lot early improv
yeah and i put five dollars in machine okay
and i i pressed book
i was a nickels the hard rock
casino hard rock right
and all of a sudden
the things went crazy
you know me just
crazy i don’t even know what happened
i got a combination of something right
then all of a
sudden like people are surrounding me
right like people are back at me
what the fuck who are
these people
just other people
watching i had a jackpot
so you worried someone’s
gonna jack you know i’m just sitting there
going and i got
smile turning around
like oh yeah
this is great right
and then the lady comes
cause it says
and i press
you know could you get a ticket
right they go you can’t get a
ticket because
you know it’s so much
money that they
gonna have to
give it to you right nice
lady comes up to me she goes
congratulations i go thank you
and they go um
so can i just see your id i give
her the idea and she goes i can’t give you the money
i go why because your
license is two
months expired
which is it is
so i go no i want my fucking money
we can’t give it to you i went to the top
indian chief
like a council number and i argued with them two
hours later
i’m an officer
i you know i go i played the improv here
you know i expect
every room they come here to gamble right
right mine’s two
months expired you can’t give me a fucking my
not that i need the money
how much the
idea that i’ve never
it was only two thousand dollars
okay but the
idea that i won a jackpot and they won’t give me the
money that’s
against the law no it’s an irs thing
you need a valid
app because
you just said
hold my money
i’ll go get my
license renewed and be back tomorrow no
i live in la dude
right yeah it cost you 2 000
but when the casinos
like hold your seat no
no i got you know
i gave them my number i go
work it out with
their counsel
they have to go back
you know what i mean
and they never called me i couldn’t get my money
and i was so fucking mad
i’m still upset
about it now kinda
well they had an opportunity
to fuck you and they took it that’s what it is
wow yeah but it’s that’s so fucked up it is fucked up
that’s not seen
legal casinos
aren’t in the paying out business they’re in the
ugam that’s
losing i know but here’s the
point though i go there every year
know me like i go to the front door
the the desk
right everyone loves me
bobby’s back you know i mean like i
i know that people come
gamble at the casino
right after my shows
right i feel like
i’ve provided a service for this fucking
they can’t fucking
you know mean
one little clause
well look through it
well now you
understand the true nature
of your relationship with them they don’t give a fuck
about you that’s the nature
of the relationship by the way with fucking virtually
every casino and player
you know the bottom line is
the the player is a is a mark
and that’s what it is and the mark
it’s just like
you know you let him win a little bit
let him get
a little bit make him feel like he’s got something
going on you cop him a room hey you want a nice meal
yes and even though we lost some
money we had a nice meal we went to see a show
you know the
contest went to see the fucking the lion king yeah
and that’s what happens man yeah but the bottom line is
those fucking like go to
these gigantic
places like the venetian or the bellagio
fucking huge fountains and shit who’s paying for that
who’s paying for that yeah
we are yeah yeah you’re paying for that by losing right
but what i’m saying is that if i
would have won
like a bigger jackpot like two million dollars
i don’t know what i
would have done yeah like i would have
physically assaulted an american indian holy fuck man
i would litter for the rest of my life make them cry
i would have
freaked out about that
i would have
yeah that’s an
issue man i
would still be
fighting that
whole thing yeah
your 2009 i live through it but no what you should
start doing is doing a bit
about it on
stage yeah well yeah yeah that’s a bit
yeah there’s
a funny bit
in there something in there come on man there’s a
funny bit in that
you know because
but i’m so angry
they can take your fucking money
they had no problem with you gambling yeah so
you’re risking your
money but you can’t get a
you know what you
should have done you
should have got
wait did he
print out a 2 000
ticket or you know because here’s
what it is okay if you win you know at a slot machine
right out you get a
ticket right
anything other over 1200 right
that you win
is considered a jackpot
okay so they have to come out so then they have to
fill out irs forms into this that if i just would have
let made less than 8 800
less then i
would have been able to take my money
jesus christ
and then you know what i
would i mean i
would have had a good time i would have
spent it at the casino anyway
they would have had it in the end
then i would
have gone to a higher machine you know what i mean
i just want a good time
or put it back in the community
yeah or something like that
i always want to say it like that
the community
it’s fucked up what is it
about black people
that they say community like that they see a lot of
things we look like
yeah but that’s a big one community community
put it back in the community yeah they say that yeah
so so what happened
so there’s no way you can get this
money back to this is gone you’re
writing it off as a loss you got to do a bit about this
brown yeah i will but the
thing is is that
i called joel
how can he help you
well he owns the improv
right he has
a relationship with the hard one what did they say
joseph there’s nothing i can do
yeah man and i’m like but it just
doesn’t make any
sense because they know me
doesn’t matter they don’t give a fuck
about you now at
least you know
what the deal is oh i know what the deal is now
well you know
it’s also probably a rule that they can’t circumvent
i mean who you’re talking to is probably a guy who’s
going by corporate bylines and this is the rules
person doesn’t have a
driver’s license
i mean even though they know you they have to
kinda assume like who the fuck you
know if you can’t
write down a
valid driver’s
license in the receipt
so that you can get taxed on it it just seems that they
should be able to hold it for you
like it seems like yeah you won
you have credit
2 000 credit you come back here with your license
we’ll give you the fucking
money but until then
we’re holding it for you
yeah it seems like that’s what casinos do anyways
cause they have
you know you go there like your jay z and
stuff like that you have like a
you know like almost a bank account with
these people your jay z
do you know what i thought
you know what i mean yeah you know what i
so i bet you can get your 2 000 no
i googled i
googled my name
googled your name in
front of them
like an asshole
oh did you really yeah i go listen i play this place
i’m a headliner
right googled your name yeah
and there was a
computer there
and i google
right and it went to my wikipedia page
right i went to my wikipedia i go
here’s my picture
here’s my birthday
i mean i’m almost forty
right you know i mean
because i had no idea
what i don’t know what else to do
right right but they say
we don’t give a shit
they didn’t care no hmm
sounds like
a scam to me and news is in
who’s telling
you this who’s the person saying it some american
india with beads in his hair you know what i mean
and he was upset at you or no it was just
basically just really cool
about him just like
i know who you are
i’m so sorry
these are the rules
well i guess
those are the rules
here’s the rules now you gotta
write a bit
about it i’m going to
yeah you have to i’m gonna
make a 2 000 bet
makes me so fucking mad
that makes me mad
i don’t need the
money i just it’s just the principle of yeah
absolutely you mean i made i did it
yeah but it does make
sense i mean it does make
sense that they can’t they can’t hook you up kind to me
doesn’t it not to me no it
doesn’t make
sense because joe if i work
i basically
work for that casino
sort of you work for joel
i work for joel
but he has a
relationship with them and it’s not like i don’t
play there every week you know i mean
you just sort of rents there
right he does rent
a rule you rent the rooms there
but you you
understand what i’m saying it’s like in a
sense i give them business
right you know i mean do you like
going on the road do you dig it
in some places yes some of them are
like i want to kill myself
for a long time you didn’t go on i refuse to do it
yeah because remember when we were back in
when i was doing the
store we would talk
about it all the time you
weren’t going i refuse to do it
and then we were somewhere recently like i
think it was san jose
and they would say yeah
bobby lee was just here pack the
place yeah yeah i was like damn
bobby lee that’s the only
that’s the only reason
now i go because when i used to go the road before
no one would come
right what changed that
don’t know it was
it well here’s what it was i
would go to a
market now what my
thing is is i go to a market
first and at first
they don’t really
know me or if they do they don’t know that i do
stand up right
right so i do a weekend
for pretty much for free they give you a guarantee
right right
and then the
second time back
it’s always better because i know that i deliver and
right you know what i mean
my show is good you know what i mean
and so the people that saw you they come to you they
bring more people than the
radio i love
radio well you come back like if you
say you do a gig how long before you come back a year
a year yeah
yeah and how much of your material will be new
in that year
maybe and i’ll be honest with you not as much as
maybe the next guy but
about 10 15 minutes
10 15 must be
new in a year really
yeah because i’m not that prolific
really but the
thing is here’s the good
thing is is that
a lot of my
stuff now is improvised like
i have moments of just playing with the audience yeah
a lot of that
right and also my
thing is there’s an element of
crazy in my show where
i usually go in the audience and i do
crazy shit like what
like you know
like if somebody will get up to go to the bathroom i’ll
chase them out of the room
and follow them
to the bathroom really yeah and then i’ll yeah
while the audience is
they love it
yeah yeah i mean and i’ll
pull my pants down i’ll be my
underwear i’ll
fall them into the bathroom have you ever gotten in
trouble for pulling your
pants down at
yeah i did this one
thing where a guy i wanted to give a guy a lap dance so
he came on stage
and you know and
the music was playing and i got were you on parkinson’s
medication no
and i got naked and i had a sack
come out and you can tell that this guy was extremely
homophobic really right
so there was the
music’s playing and i jump on top of them
oh by literally
sitting on the stool
he literally picked my body
and threw me
to the ground
you know what i mean
and i hit the ground you know me on my back
and i got knocked conscious for like a
split second
you know you hear
like stars did you hit your head no
but i heard wee wee
so what hit that made you see stars like that
i hit my back and my head
maybe a little bit
maybe your head
a little yeah but i also took the wind out of my body
right okay right so i
hit wee wee
right you like
jack yeah i got jack
and i jumped on top
you jumped on
him yeah because
you do that because nothing
he that he just took it because
the thing got a
laugh when he
threw me off of me
he got a laugh he got a
laugh so he
enjoyed it and i
stood back out and
i looked in his eyes
and he kinda went
he kinda liked the
laugh right so i did it
again right
cause he got addicted to the laugh
right because at
first it was hatred
right like get off me gook
you know kind of
whoa i don’t know that’s what he said
you know what i mean but if he
dropped it that’s what he
said but in the eyes i can tell that there was
get off me goop
so that when i
fell down we connected and i’m like okay i can do it
again wow like a sense
right a sense
that’s the worst
thing that’s around that’s a
weird thing
right when you’re
ad libbing with someone you don’t know exactly
where this is
gonna go that’s
exciting you know it’s fun
right yeah it’s
exciting well
it’s also to you and i both came up in the
store and the
store we’ve talked
about this so many times in the podcast the
store for all its terrible qualities
the best thing
about it is the fact that no one was paying attention
ever there’s no
crowd control there’s no one
the comics are forced to take care of
audiences themselves and sometimes you just deal with
incredibly hostile audiences
yeah yeah i’ve
never worked at a club consistently
where there’s more insane shit happening
and people say like i hear
other comments go yeah this
tough room is tough
i go you don’t know
not you don’t even know what you’re talking
about yeah yeah
yeah they don’t even know if they
work the store like there’s so many people that like
to go yeah the
place is evil i know i don’t do the
store the store is evil
it is yes it is
but i would
say evil not there’s just
there’s some there’s a quality of evil to it i
think that quality
is because the fact that it’s searose
nightclub the fact that it was
bugsy seagulls
place you can’t get
past the fact that people were murdered in that place
yeah but it’s also has to do with the
color of the building
yeah i really
believe you know how they
say you can’t
paint your walls in your bedroom red like
blood red because psychologically it’s not good for you
you know that
it makes you
angry it makes you
angry like silver too i try to
paint my room silver ones
and they go it’s not because you’ll feel like you’re
trapped in a
you know main
spaceship i feel like
black you know like in a cage
i don’t know what it does i was
thinking of
painting these walls
black no you
think it’d be
okay for a podcast
i would perfect
see this is the
color what walls but
these are neutral
colors yeah
these are nice relaxing i
feel very good
right now do you feel good yeah i feel like this is the
color i’m gonna
leave it here just for you bro like
like coffee it took
so long to get you on the podcast i’m
gonna leave
these and the reason why that was the case
right oh no no i know it was because i just was
yeah things
going on you know right
dude just look
i’m as flaky as the next guy but the
store why don’t you come back
come back where the
store no never
never i can’t why
because i like the improv better
and there’s no negativity there
the improv everyone’s
so super courteous though the
staff there are so friendly and and
thankful and kind
for years he dealt with at the store
them pretending that the
store was the star and you were
lucky to work there you were
lucky to help out no matter what you did you could
never do enough it was an energy when you were there
no i’m not even i
bring it everywhere else
i know but i’m saying that i’m
because i used to either go up before
after you in the
studio right
it was hard to go up
after you but it sometimes it
would put me up after you
but there was
still an energy in the
or i swear to god
that’s different
than it is now not that that we don’t get an audience
but it’s a different kind of vibe
you know well i was
bringing yeah
my specific
thoughts on comedy
my specific thoughts on life is let’s have fun
let’s not take
things so fucking seriously let’s
look at all this shit but let’s be nice to each other
and let’s have a good fucking time yeah yeah
that’s why one of the reasons why whenever anything
crazy would happen at the
store i would always make it a big
point to buy everyone in the audience a drink
yeah you know
when i kick somebody out
i mean i did that out
like a dozen times yeah yeah yeah
i would kick people out and then i
would spend
thousands of dollars
buying 300 people drinks
you know yeah yeah yeah
but that’s but what why
did you why did you
leave in the
first place
because it’s not it’s not mitzi sure’s club anymore
see the whole
thing that happened was when the monsea
shit went down i called mitzi
who’s the owner of the club
and mitzi and i
about a relationship way back to 1994 when i
first met her when i
first came to hollywood and
to me she was
the queen of comedy
man the comedy
store was mecca to me
to me it was more important and this is not bullshit
to get past as a paid regular at the
store than it was the fact that i was on a sitcom
in california
i was on the sitcom and i was like
acting sucks
you know is a lot of
money i was making all this
money but i’m like i’m a fucking paid regular at the
store like holy shit
i couldn’t believe i was there i mean this is where
richard pryor had
started out and
david letterman
was there and kennison was there and all these
hicks had worked there for a while
so to me it was like all this history
so i mean not only had i worked there for free for all
those years
where i was on
fear factor
they put my name up on the marquee
it would say you know fear factor
is joe rogan
pack the place we
would promote
it on myspace
and to me it was just
i was just it was a workout room
i would get to fuck around and stay sharp do
a long set each friday and saturday
night so when i
would go on the road i always had material
i could still do specials and
still do fear factor at
the same time so it was a perfect situation for me and
i could help the
store i worked for free
and as a matter of fact even
money that they
owed me from years ago
i paid it back in the form of a tax free donation
and then i paid for the
whole sound
system into play yeah yeah you did i took out the
speakers i put in
a cd r burner
and a fucking
dat player and new
microphones and new
chords a whole deal right
and then when this
whole thing happened with monsea
which they knew
for the longest
time what he was doing everybody knew what he was doing
but they were making
money off of it so they turned a
blind eye towards comedy
what i’ve always said was that
if you’re in the business
if you’re an
agent or if you’re a manager
or if you’re a club owner
you’re selling art
that’s what you’re doing
and when you got one person who’s
stealing the art of the people that you’re selling
and then selling it again
that’s what he’s doing it’s like
he’s cannibalizing
you have to put a foot down and stop that
and if you don’t if you say
crazy shit like well
you know it’s business and he’s making a lot of money
well then you
clearly are not on the side of the art
form that you actually make your living selling right
so when all the shit went down i called
mitzia but i to let her know that
you know brian made this
crazy fucking
video and it’s
about to go out and it’s ugly
and i told her i go the guy’s a
problem we’ve had problems with him for years and we’re
gonna put this
video out she goes
okay well just keep away from them
just don’t don’t get
crazy i go man
see i’m never
gonna hurt him i go i’m not
gonna do anything crazy
okay do you
wanna go up tonight
i go yeah she goes what time
yeah whenever you
wanna put me up she goes okay ten o’clock
alright thank you miss you love you i love you too
that was the last word i ever
spoke to her okay
i get off the
phone with her
they call tommy calls me an hour
later and tells me i’m banned
so i why so i go what are you talking
about i go i just talked to mitzi
and hit this stuttering cocksuckers i go oh
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
man man man
man manci’s uh
confused manci
doesn’t know the fact
so it to me it was very
clear that there was like some situation
mitzi was no
longer making the decisions it was no longer her club
so there was
some other people whoever the fuck they are
tommy was at the mouthpiece
of whoever the fuck was making the decision and
clearly they had made a decision to go and
have mensea
headlined that weekend
and make a big deal out of it and he was on the radio
it was like for him to try to save face
and then have me banned
and so i said i’m
never coming back
i’ll tell you this
right now this is it i’m
never coming back
and so that was years ago and i’ve
never come back
but i it was
the best thing for me because
after i left there and then i
started working out at the improv my god
it’s so friendly here yeah
yeah the vibe is so much better yeah everyone’s
happy there the managers are
happy the comics are all it’s like it’s a cool bar area
where everybody hangs out
yeah and then i
started doing sals and
more recently and just
you know what man i
just realized that there’s comedy clubs out there that
appreciate comics
those are the only people that
you should hang out with i’m
thankful for my time at the store
i learned a lot there i
learned a lot about
hecklers and dealing bullshit and i
learned a lot
about i just
learned a lot
about the business from this whole
thing that happened
from getting fucked over
so for me it was
it was the best
thing the americas got better
tommy didn’t go to anybody by the way
i think it was all him yeah i
mean tommy and i
whatever i mean
i’m a regular there i get spots anytime i want to and
tommy is a friend i’ve
never called them awful
the job i call him for
spots i mean
but i know that he makes decisions
i’m sure he does but not that one
i don’t believe that
you know i don’t believe or he
or this happened
he went to mitsy
and he he didn’t go to
mitsy he didn’t talk to her at all i know for a fact so
who was when
he talked to somebody else who the fuck it was
whether it’s paulie or
peter or whoever the fuck is
wrong maybe peter
whoever the fuck it is
might have been
peter i don’t know who it is i have no idea
i don’t know i didn’t ask i didn’t care
and ever since then have they called you
no oh he sent me one
ridiculous letter i saved it
it’s hilarious
the most one sided fucking letter ever talking about
don’t destroy the
store build it up and like
you cunts i
worked there for free for fucking years yeah
and then they
would always say like everybody works for free
no not that
everybody doesn’t do what i did everybody
doesn’t put
their name in the marquee
and pump it up on myspace let me tell you
la jolla i’m
gonna tell you
about la jolla you know i
started in that room right
i go there six years ago
five i haven’t played there in six years right okay
six years ago i call them the la jolla i go
can i go up
cause i’m gonna go down to
visit a friend
right they’re like yeah sure
so i drive down there
i show up at the club and
the manager goes you can’t go up in la jolla
and i go why
because well there’s an all girls show
and they’re from la
and they don’t want to put you up
like who is it they go le lisa
sunset people have
never heard of
right right
so i just drove down here they said i
could go up i’m from this
i fucking built that
stage literally
me and freddy soda when they gutted the
place you hammered and
we hammered in
nails and shit like that
so fuck you i’m
going up you’re not
going up i’ll go
blast right no
i go i’m up i’ll
never play her again
he does fine
he does fine
haven’t played it since
wow you know man
that’s disrespect that’s a totally different situation
and i totally see your side of it i totally do
and the girls if they really wanted
to do their show
and then have you go on last
how you going
afterwards you know that’s what adds i go
wait i don’t give a fuck
you know me some people
some people don’t like that though they
think that you’re gonna
show them up you know
there was forty
people there
joe it wasn’t like it
was sold out you know it
doesn’t matter to them
those forty people there to see them
and if they know
if they do mediocre
they know you’re
gonna crush
and you go on
after them so it’s like you know
let me tell
you something dude it’s like i’m from that room
right right and i
started when were fred burns
sure yeah back when fred was running it
did fred die he died
what happened
um you know he
you know he had spinal bifida
yeah and his parents
were still alive and they took him on a cruise
like a cruise to go to the baja
i don’t know
where they went right
and they told fred one
night they go fred
um we’ll meet you down here at eight
for breakfast
fred burns goes all
right you know
and he never showed up to breakfast
and they opened up his room and he was dead wow just i
failure yeah failure
heart failure
body failure whatever it was
it’s awful that was he was a interesting guy he got
fired right for something no nothing nothing
but the family is
crazy man i mean
look i got no ill feelings for the
store i think it’s
one of the most interesting clubs in the country and i
think i learned a lot doing
stand up there but
the whole point of the
whole situation the
whole point of the
whole mensia
altercation
was supposedly to create a better environment to
stop someone who was
victimizing
other comedians
and when the
club supports that you can’t support the club anymore
you know if the club supports that
it’s not a gray
it wasn’t a gray area everybody knew what was
going on i know
everybody complained for years and years so
that decision the decision they made was like the worst
possible decision
so there’s no way i
could go back there yeah
i mean it just
sucks the fact that like you know like bill burr
will show up and if mensee
is there he won’t go up yeah i mean
those little
things you know i mean that
could fuck up
you know i love the
store you know it’s like home you
could go up
right in front of minsea now it
doesn’t matter now he’s
toothless now he’s just
he’s got no claws well it’s all it’s all over so sad
did you see the i am comic
what he said in that
movie no you
gotta see that that will open your mind
or open your eyes
dude i just fucked up listen
i just did a benefit with him a
month a month ago
your mean for the police the police force
right you know i mean
and you know i all the long as i’ve known
carlos he has
never did drugs or
drank that’s a big thing
i don’t need it you know i mean right
natural high right
now it’s like
you know smoking pot
you know i mean
that’ll probably help him
yeah maybe maybe
he’s just i can just tell he’s sad
yeah your man well it’s
and as a friend can’t victimize
a friend you know you watch it and it’s it’s just
i always try to play
call of duty with him on xbox because i feel bad
i always send him a friend
you feel bad so you want to kill him
yeah fuck up
listen man the positive aspects of working at the
store were so true
i mean i know what you say i just
think you should i
think you should just do it one
night or something no
i can’t do it please it’ll
never be the same
again how do you know
cause it’ll never be
what it used to be what it used to be was a lot of fun
it was used to be we look
there was a long time
where i was at the
store with a
store felt like
it did not have the environment that i envisioned
i always envisioned it being like i said comedy mecca
i was envisioned there’s all these
great comics are
gonna perform there and this is
great environment
and then for a long time when i was there in like the
early 90s you know it wasn’t like that
should i say
i would tell defend it in a sense okay
since you left
it has changed
in this sense okay
we’re getting a lot more new york guys on the list
right so you have bill burr
david off you know
all these new york guys
that moved here okay
sarah silverman was there yeah and the lineups like
the other night but who was it
rock and chappelle did they go up but they showed up
right it’s a different new york vibe
and what i’m saying
is this okay from two years ago that you were there
carlos never goes it’s not carlos man
but it’s people
who run the club i know it’s time whoever is running
club is the same people run in the club
i know tommy said some
stupid shit to
brian just the
other day when he went there and he called me a fag
tommy tommy’s retarded
he’s a ding dong
that dude it was always
gonna be what he is you know
i know it’s not this
what a comedy
store is is an idea okay
the idea is that there’s this this mecca
of comedy where everybody’s hanging out
crazy be like like that back
porch area yeah back parking lot
how much fucking fun did we have back there so much
craziness and hilarity
the greatest moments of my life have been
hilarious moments yeah yeah
just always everybody was doing something
funny joey diaz has got his fucking pants down
it was crazy
always something
chaos and then
there’s always
crazy people coming back there and hanging out with
us and you don’t even know
the fuck they are and who’s this guy’s guys nuts and he
thinks he’s a
angel and yeah
dress up as
jesus that hangs out there
jesus yeah the
cross the walks down down
sunset with
the fucking cross
like colonel sanders have you seen that yeah
that guy’s like
colonel sanders yeah
that jesus and him together
are always the best combo
and they’re
getting an argument you’re like what are they
fighting about
the lord are
just crazier
yeah yeah yeah
that place is
awesome you know and but the idea of what the comedy
story is you
bring that everywhere with you man i bring that
everywhere on the road i
bring that everywhere
where i do stand up
sal’s is a perfect example what is
sal’s comedy hole
is this new
place that opened up on melrose is a guy from new york
he had a place on la brea
for a while but they had like a
liquor license
issue and now he reopened a new place
the fucking guy is
great he’s got open mics like almost
every night
super supportive of comedians
just wants people
to calm down he’s always trying to feed you give you
drinks and he’s
super consistently nice
really nice guy who loves comedy
and he’s running
and he’s trying to make a good comedy club okay
and because of that
comics are flocking to this
place diaz does it all the time
ari does it
brian does it all the time
really tonight his show
will have at
least 50 60
comics wanting to go up at their
eight o’clock show at
night really do i have to show kiss to become a regular
id no no just
show up or i’ll call them yeah all right
you don’t have to do anything
and he’ll just
hook you up man you got me he’ll give you a door deal
you can pack the
place yeah yeah it’s super
sweet that’s why
i like to need
a new room maybe
when you go to the improv
and you go to
places like south
you realize okay well there’s
places that don’t have this
crazy attitude that
the place is the star
you know like
tommy always had this attitude that the store
is the star and so did
remember who’s the guy
who fucking
who used to run it
scott day remember
scott i love
scott day yeah
and duncan was the
people don’t realize this i was duncan
trussell our boy
was the talent manager for
the longest time
and he had to quit
because he didn’t want to be on pauly
shore’s reality show
yeah yeah they wanted to put it on the reality
show and it was
so fun it was like
what the improv
doesn’t have though that the
store has is that wild west vibe
you know what i mean
and that create
no because it’s like you can’t go over the light
you know what
i mean there’s rules and that so you can’t
run across the
place in my
underwear if i want to
you know what i mean
but at the store there’s always
still that vibe of like anything can happen
you know what i
mean so you
missed that
yes yes i do miss
that but that’s
everywhere the joey
diaz is and you
bring joey diaz
that vibe comes with us
on the road
so what i’m doing this weekend by the way
mandalay bay theater it’s almost sold out so
if you’re gonna get tickets
jump on that shit now
there’s not that much left and
the houston i mean it’s friday we will don’t totally
it’s friday night
february 4th
which is the
night before the ufc
and it’s at
mandalay bay
which is where the
ufc is so it’s
gonna be fucking
crazy if you want tickets you
gotta jump on it now
and it’s joey
diaz and ari
shafir so it’s
the full death
squad roster
and bobby lee
is gonna be at the houston improv
that weekend too the same weekend
february 4th and 5th and 6th yeah
sunday too is it not this weekend is it
this weekend this weekend coming up no the next weekend
after that oh
next weekend so what is that 11th
something like that yeah
let’s find out exactly so
people don’t go crazy
we don’t want to
i came to see your
show and you were not there bobby lee
you are my favorite
your droid did you just turn it on yeah
sorry is uh
are you happy with the drawing
no that purchase
check out this new camera the eleventh
twelveth and thirteenth
bobby lee’s friday saturday and sunday and uh
valentine’s
which is monday oh
bam you doing valentine’s day in houston
which by the
way i love houston i’m coming back i fucking
swear to god
i know i haven’t been
there in forever we’re trying to work out a deal uh
the problem was
i don’t want to do any shows
where people have to stand up
and i was doing the
house of blues
and the house of blues they wanted
they wanted i
think it’s like 600 people
standing and 600 people seated no
i’m like that’s
crazy i did that in
vegas i’ve done it in vegas a
bunch of times and the problem it becomes the bar
just it becomes filled with people talking
there’s way too many people there and everyone’s
drunk and no one knows how to fucking
whisper and it becomes
chaos yeah and so
i went to see one of doug stanhope shows
where i had a stand
and i was like no more
standing because i
watched as an audience
member i went this isn’t fun it hurts your feet
you have to act
it up and shit
so i had a bunch of deals
where i was supposed to do the houston area but
every time we ran into this fucking
standing roadblock at theaters we ran into it
so i’m just
gonna go to the comedy club so the improv
we’re working it out we’re
gonna figure that shit out
anyway one more time
friday night february 4th
mandalay bay theater
me joey diaz and ari
shafir the next weekend
the 11th 12th and the 13th and valentine’s day
bobby lee will be at
the houston improv
it’s a very nice club too
it’s brand new now it’s
sweet right yeah they just redid it yeah they redid it
shakalaka motherfucker
so that’s the deal and then the weekend after that
i’m at the brea
improv that’s the 18th 19th and 20th and
we’re gonna get
brian really high and make him go on
stage every
night so big
he forgets his material
that’s one of my favorite new
things to do
you gonna trial by fire son
you did good this weekend he did real good this weekend
seven minutes
you probably fucking killed for four you got a
solid four minutes of bits in there
you’re doing all
right kid you
out there hustling no he just goes out
does a guest by
throws is fucking
getting tossed to the lions so that’s the
18th 19th and 20th
is the brea
improv of february
and then the weekend
after that i’m in fuck
you can go to joehogan
net and read all this shit yourself bitches
this thursday
i’m trying to get ari and joey i’m not sure if i can
if not maybe
brian callan or someone else
but there’ll
definitely be a show
on thursday we’re
figuring out who the fuck’s
gonna do it but friday
night is the show so it’d be nice if we and then
thursday night ari has a show that i’m
gonna be on as well
at the improv
that’s his storyteller show
so that’s it
bobby lee thank you very
much that was
fun you’re the fucking shit
my friend for many many years
and i love you totally fine happier here
thank you to the
flashlight go to
joe rogan dot net
click on the link
enter in the code name
rogan and you get 15 off
your masturbatory
utensil all
right bitches
you know i love you
i’ll see you in a couple days all right
thanks for all the support
for everything for
everything you
motherfuckers you
make life a
dream mwah bye