Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Iliza Schlesinger.

Transcript

trying to watch it online yeah stop it

you don’t need to look at us you fucking

freaks back on now

okay hi you

stream folks

sorry we’re off air for a

little bit you missed me playing with the vagina light

yeah yeah we

missed the whole

proof of concept we’re working out you know behind the

scenes type shit

eliza and heffron together

might rule the

world with this artificial vagina slash

he’s got to

get heffron to accept you on the team now but i

think i can

broker that deal okay

i appreciate it

thank you seen as you’re both last

comic standing winners you already have it in

right we have that bond unbreakable

did you have to do the audition

where you only

did stand up in

front of the

judges and no audience

yeah yeah it wasn’t even

people don’t get it i

my audition you walk in the

judges aren’t there it was just like

producers assistance or like

talent people they

weren’t even people you know and you walk in

you pitch your

you know you do your joke and i did my talk for

about fifteen

seconds she goes yeah just come back this afternoon

and then i came back and they’re

like you’re not on the list i was like yes i am and all

these people kept trying to come back that

weren’t approved

because it was so disorganized

you do go through like a couple

rounds before you got to it

you went you went

twice head to head

right on oh i

did yeah what does that mean

that’s like

they she got challenged at the end

where it was kind of like a

you all live in the house

you live there’s like

twelve comics

and at the end of the week everybody

pretty much votes who they hate the most it was

never me but they voted

if there was one

other girl they

voted on her

and then if you get

voted off you have a chance

to then challenge two comics

so then the

three of you do a showdown in

front of a live audience

and two get kicked off

and one stays so i won both weeks in a row

cause everyone that got kicked off the

house would keep challenging me and i kept winning

that’s the only reason i want

to show wow

so when someone challenges you how do they figure

out who wins the audience decides the audience votes

right then and they have like a little button they

press or something i

think so i think that’s how they did it wow

and that’s gotta be a

weird way to do comedy

that’s comedy

under the gun you know that’s

kinda creepy

if you’re a competitive person

which i wasn’t until this

or i mean i don’t

think playing jv lacrosse

counts for anything

maybe it was dormant

it was it was i mean

i’d always played with people that were better than me

and then when you get to comedy i had

never thought

of comedy as a competition and now that’s all i

think of it as really

i’m super aggressive

about it wow

silent like you compete with yourself but

it’s game time damn

yeah you know whatever

motivates you

for some people it’s not

some people get real competitive

some people i mean

i would never

say it i would

never go up to someone

but you know

it’s like before you play a

sport like you

psych yourself

up and you get out there and then you go for blood

i guess wow

that’s an interesting

way of looking at it i saw you like two weeks ago and

like i hadn’t seen you before

like for years like

until that show like i hadn’t seen on

stage recently

but what’s cool

about it is

that you really have that vibe of the comedy

storm not many

comics actually

carry some kind of vibe with it and when you

watch you you

could see the

comedy room vibe

it’s the same reason why boston

comics were so good

yeah because there’s so many hell rooms there

and you get used to that combat comedy

and the comedy

store is combat comedy

defined there’s no organization there it’s a chaos room

the room itself is an odd

setup and it’s

i like to think i cut my

teeth on rooms

like the original room

and then smaller

tougher rooms

you’re not gonna get anywhere by

going up in

front of your four friends and like

people that are

laughing at you for no reason

so doing those baggages in

those tough rooms

where they just stare at you some people don’t

speak english

it’s like swinging with two bats yes

you’re totally

right when you go

other places

people are so much nicer

so much nicer

there’s something about the

store and all the murder that’s been committed there

a lot of people that don’t know

it was bugsy

siegel’s nightclub

in like the 30s or whatever that was

and there was like a

bunch of people murdered in that

place there was

abortions abortions

yeah abortions

illegal abortions this like nerd

people say they’ve

heard babies crying and like

wait a minute

wait a minute wait a

minute wait a

minute people are

crazy hold on a

second people are

crazy i never

heard anything

about this is part of it abortion

they did like back room

illegal abortions on like the

forty fourties or fifties

oh my god and they did in there

right on the stage

shit no no not on the

stage but it was like in the basement or something

like no one ever goes in the basement

eliza is just making shit up

no i’m not i promise

come on is there any documentation can we find out

about this online or is it just

yeah holly where’s the story

i’ve never heard this

before that’s why i’m

shocked i mean i’ve been around the

store for a long time i

never heard that

story that’s

right i heard

crazy stories though

people are always talking about

ghosts there like when they do like

haunted hollywood shows they always include the comedy

store talking

about the guy that always does it from the formosa

it’s always on e and

he’s always kind of like a fat guy that always yeah i

would say it’s all bullshit

except a few people

that have said they’ve seen

things are like really cool guys like

blake clark

blake clark was a vietnam

vet and he was a

standard comic

he’s seen some shit you

know he’s been around and he was working at the comedy

store one night

and i didn’t hear the

story directly

from him so i don’t want to paraphrase it

but in essence he

was closing up and he went into the room and all of a

sudden there was someone there

and he starts talking to this person and

the person’s not talking

back to him and then he realizes it’s some sort of a go

and you know

what if you ask him what that guy looks like

other people will be able to corroborate the same

image a lot of people see the same like in the

belly room i

think it’s a guy with like a top hat or something

people see the same

things a girl that did our i do a

monday night show there

brand new never been there came

to see her friend she saw something and told one of us

on not preview to the

story at all it

sounds like it

should be horseshit because

every one of

those shows that you watch

the problem is

those goddamn shows

you know it’s like they

create this artificial environment you got you know

cameras and

lights and everything and you go and looking for

ghosts and you have to find something in

every episode and you’re just not

there’s not that many

ghosts happening

you know if there are

ghosts it’s not enough that you’re

gonna get them on a

television show

we don’t ever see them

i don’t know if it’s real

but i’m not willing to

say that it’s not

i’m not willing to say there’s no ghosts

so many people are foolish and it’s

tough it’s a tough

conversation

i don’t think you can beat my

ghost theory

though my theory is you find somebody that was murdered

like midnight on halloween

and you go to

the wife’s grave

you know it’s like a husband wife thing

and you just

start making fun of her on midnight

you know just go hey

ghost yeah i’m making fun of your dead wife yeah whoa

and nothing’s

gonna happen

whoa that’s my

ghost theory

though maybe the

ghosts recognized

from the great beyond that you’re a douchebag

maybe they’re

above that but if you’re

disrespecting your murdered wife do you

wanna get serious

if the ghost has

crossed over

i don’t think

it’s the what people have when they have

ghost sightings and all this

and like ev was evp

where they do the

white noise

thing right

ghost that have a problem what does that mean

evp extra no

yeah what’s it

were you like that movie

white noise

where you can turn up the rain you can hear the

ghosts like talking it’s like

really yeah there’s like a

whole thing

lens flares

the ghosts that have a problem are the ones that

haven’t crossed over the ones that are

stuck cause they died

prematurely or in some sort of horrible accident

that’s if you

well there’s people that believe that

everything has a memory there’s a guy

named rupert

sheldrake i

think he’s an

evolutionary biologist and he has

this theory that

everything has some sort of a memory

like furniture

and you know houses

that even though you can’t really access it

like the energy

of the house

can be compromised

by having a

lot of negative shit happening it’s all energy it’s not

memory absolutely like the

house becomes a creepy

thing like it has memory to it

and that’s certainly what the

story is that’s why

they always ask when you do like an exorcism

or a seance

they ask for an

object or if you’re in a

buddha it’s an

object from the person because it has that energy

or that’s why

if something comes out of a negative

i mean i totally buy it into the

whole energy

thing about not

transferring like negative energy

and stuff and

that’s why i do too

if you like cooks

that’s when

they say cook with love your love goes into it

and you give it it’s

about that if you’re in tune to it

otherwise you just eat

yeah no that totally makes

sense that something

and it goes

along really with the same idea that if

everything has a memory

now if you’re cooking with love and then

food has like a memory of your love and you creating it

people will like it more it sort of makes it

sounds totally hippie

but i should not eat so many lean pockets

cause what’s that doing to

me that’s why

fast food makes so many people sick

all the cows torture

dude you’re eating

not to torture

some yeah where pigs are just

stuffed in the

boxes where

their heads are sideways for half

their life it’s

so easy i do love

bacon though never had

bacon’s awesome and pigs are cunts

therein lies the problem fuck em

pigs are assholes

pigs more people die from pigs in farms than any

other animal

because people fall into the

pigsty and the pigs just fucking eat them was that what

movie was that snatch

yeah that shit’s true

i started researching it

after that that’s me

i’m fucking in the theater

on my blackberry writing research and

pigs eat pigs and the end of was it hannibal

where the guy like the crippled

guy they pushed him into the pigs

and they eat him up yeah

a lot of pig eating

yeah that’s some serious shit

have you seen people fuck pigs

those videos of oh they’re

horrendous so glad i came

today all people fucking animal

videos are horrendous i’ve

never seen a

video of anyone having sex and i don’t wanna

no don’t don’t ever

watch it but

what you should see what everybody

should see is a documentary called zoo

and zoo is on there was a

bunch of people that have

zoo i believe it’s pronounced zoophilia

is this where they make they’re sexually

attractive no no

no they get fucked by horses

isn’t that how like catherine the

great died supposedly

at the comedy store

yeah in the belly room

yeah supposedly that’s how catherine a

great guy but

we know for sure that there’s one guy died

that way because it’s it

changed a law

in washington state

in washington state

it used to be

legal to have sex with animals it was mandatory

well you gotta do what you

gotta do you’re

stuck in seattle

but a bunch of people

decided to move there from

all over the country they met on an internet message

board and they

moved there and

started like this

whole farm community

thing where they got fucked by animals

like there was like a

whole bunch of

freaks that like

found themselves they

found themselves a friend

wait we’re getting boned by i have seen this the guy

there’s a horse yes

and like the guy had like

blonde hair i have seen that yeah i saw a clip of that

yeah and the woman that

lands is the

video lets the pony bite her and she like likes it when

the pony bite

me this is a different one that’s a different one there

can’t be two

yeah no there’s a

bunch there’s nothing

wrong with the pony is that abusive

for having sex

i don’t know

i don’t necessarily

think so but it’s kind of fucked up

mean it just seems unnatural

for sure it seems like you’re indulging the worst in

human spirit

you know the idea you just want to just exploit

animals and have them fuck you in the ass

all the time

yeah he got

he got broken

like broken open and bled out the guy good

what are you

gonna go on to do it’s like well you used to have

sex with animals and now i work at the verizon store

well that’s a thing

he was like

fuck i wish i remembered what he did

i think he was an architect i mean he was like an

intelligent

guy apparently

let me find out

because this is just too

too important

a thin line between intelligence

and absolute insanity and the line is a horse cock

apparently my dog

doesn’t like this part

what a horrendous way to die that ribbon

she removed it

that ribbon

or what is that it’s

raw hide that went around the cane

it’s dessert

oh she’s saving yeah that’s peppermint

oh my god bless your

heart a little

after dinner mint

so you gave up on the droid completely

oh you followed that yeah oh you have no

idea so what happened there

i can’t find

a blackberry

it started doing

weird things

right and so i was like

screw it i’m

gonna go with the droid just to try

cause i used to have a trio i missed the

touchscreen right

all these things

it was too much

and there were all

these problems it couldn’t make calls it made

weird sounding calls it was on like warble mode anyways

so i went i was on what my

breaking point was

no one could hear me on the

phone but i was on the

phone yesterday

five times during a phone call

my face somehow dialed someone else and it

starts ringing as i’m

speaking to someone else

like three wade

yeah who needs that

like the joy

enables you

to call people when you don’t want

to so i just i was like i’m done i want this for free

and so i got the

brand new blackberry

brand new but you know what’s weird

about blackberry

owners though i don’t know if they know this and joe

yours does this

every time you text me on your blackberry

is that if i reply

it replies what i texted you

every time you text me back that’s a glitch

so it’s like you get like

three texts it’s like reading like

emails oh no

it’s just crazy how much

it has to be a setting like a

some kind of setting in your

text it’s all broken

yeah it’s called suck but

i will give up

touchscreen any day

i can’t believe i left my

blackberry i’m

never leaving it

again the iphone is the shit but

at amp t sucks it

why won’t you go to the iphone you seem very

apple friendly i liza i

my parents got it

no i love the i love the iphone i don’t

want it i want

a keyboard i want a full keyboard i don’t want my face

fucking with my

phone calls

right as i found out yesterday

it fucks with it that much huh

five times and

it was a very important gossip conversation damn

me and my friends are defriending a

friend in real life so it was very important the iphone

doesn’t do that

though the iphone

doesn’t hang up on your face

no how could it not how can you not

because it detects

when your face is closed

and it turns it off and the droid

doesn’t move

joy does it didn’t and

maybe there’s

a mode for it but the iphone

doesn’t have the full keyboard

yeah but you can get

really have this fun plaid cover

that’s pretty they have that though they

definitely have that whatever

i like if i just

you know i use

the iphone more of like as like an internet device

yeah do as a

phone i might get an eye touch

yeah those are

pretty slick on

the road a lot this year just so i can have something

cause this is not great with

those are pretty slick

especially the 3g one

where you can pull up anywhere

yeah it’s pretty nice

like that fucking

technology bitches

and so that they

found some tools

that indicate that

human beings were

traveling by boat

more than a hundred and

fifty and as much as

seven hundred thousand years ago wow

because there’s an island i believe the island is

crete and they

found these fucking tools there

hold on they

found these tools

yeah they found tools that were way well

crete has been separate

from the mainland by 40

miles for over five million years

so the fact that they

found tools there

700 000 years ago

i mean somehow

or another someone got there in a fucking boat

or when it was a part of the

world like pangea when it was all together

people were there and then it split off

how’s that but that’s five million years

you need i’m supposedly

five million years

people weren’t around

you know so what they’re saying is if this island

was 500 or those five

million years separate from everybody else and nothing

developed on this island

otherwise it’d have to be like parallel evolution

right i believe in that

really absolutely

if you have parallel thought process how

could having you not have parallel

evolution like separate

groups of people like developed on this island yeah or

like when you come with the same joke as someone else

it’s totally the same

i hear you it’s

totally the same it is totally the same i

should talk to this guy this

is a fascinating

subject though it’s been fascinating to me

well i think

like they always

taught us that christopher columbus

came america

first we were like

dead last the

chinese were here before they use chinese maps

to come here in the

first place like they were here way before

so interesting

what your textbook wants you to believe yeah they

found the oldest

human being in

north america

the bones they

found was a chinese guy

yeah there you

go over 10 000 years old

so that’s even pre dates the american indian

isn’t that crazy we’ve been paying

reparations to the

wrong group

well the american indians came from asia

too that’s one

thing they found out

definitively because this mormon

dude was trying to

do genealogy

tests on american indians because he wanted to prove

that american indians were israelites

and that they had come here and this would

prove the mormon text to be correct that’s the lost

tribe of israel that’s what

everybody thinks that was the idea yeah

but they tested them they have the same noses

when they tested american indians

they come from siberia

because we cut

from the bering

strait yeah they

crossed over when it was all

on alaska yeah

that’s fascinating shit

you know i mean

when i said that

the chinese were here

first i don’t

think that’s true i think

maybe the american indians were here

i think they

crossed that before 10 000 years ago i

think they were probably here first

but just the idea that chinese

navigated before them

i mean a bunch of it a

bunch of what people are here they fucking walked here

they walked here from another continent

yeah but not in one lifetime

no but they took

groups of humans

over time walked through

like insanely cold

harsh environments and

got no reason

it’s gotta be warmer somewhere

it’s fucking crazy

i love that kind of stuff

could you imagine if you had to go

back in time and no one even was even riding horses yet

and you’re like what do we

gotta do we

gotta walk everywhere

don’t you have like a

you have a bit

a brilliant bit

about this about like what will we do if all the

lights went out like i can’t make shit

that’s the only time i’ve ever seen you in person i

think you did a show

at red rock

it’s the first

time i’ve ever met you it was a long time ago oh wow

you got that so

i remember that

bit that was only one i

think i went on before

you or something and you did that bit i thought it

was i thought it was very

smart and so funny

thank you yeah

that’s all i got i remember that now

yeah that’s the idea

is that people are getting dumber as

technology gets more and more powerful

there’s people that have less and less resources

of their own less and less ability to do things

know little

and little every year

about what makes

everything work

you know in the 50s like

if a guy broke down on the side of the road another guy

would pull over and knew how to fix your fucking car

you know you got a broken belt here

buddy let’s

go get a belt for you and you know that shit

could work you

could do that

now if you’re fucking ford that

crazy car you got that

thing breaks down the side of the road with all the

electronics and shit it won’t

start nobody knows what the fuck is

going on in there but you know what is interesting

about that unless you don’t have higher education

then you’re

more likely to become a mechanic or someone that knows

about cars the

more education you get the further removed you are

from what makes the world tick

mechanically

yeah that’s true but what i’m saying

is that most people like there’s a general knowledge

that’s missing

i agree in america i don’t

touch my fucking cars

do you touch your car i

mean do you ever

bring it to the shop and they fix it i’ve had a

check engine i lawn for like two

months i grew up

i grew up never ever

using a car

like a place that would

fix your car ever up till

i moved here in

california because

my dad like

every time i broke down

i was like alright we

gotta get a new engine

and i’m gonna show you how to do it

and i’m like i had to

redo that whole

car it was really interesting

but that’s crazy now

cause now i

have to do that i had to drop off my car the

other day and it was

an oil change

it was four

hours for an oil change at this ford dealer

and they actually have a restaurant

inside the ford dealer called like the

i forget what it’s called

but you order food and the

bacon looks like seat

covers it’s just like really long rectangle oh

perfect why

can’t you go to

jiffy lube or something

because is the

ford dealership no i

think it’s something like if you have a ford and you’re

under warranty

you’re supposed to take it to the dealer you know

just in case

so for so well

no no so the warranty if there’s anything ever

wrong with it they can’t

blame somebody else

you know what i mean

yeah jiffy lube is the shit oh yeah

i like jiffy

lube pulled in

10 15 minutes

later done my friend’s car got fucked up by

jiffy lee they didn’t they stripped the oil

bolt back in

because they use those

things like

you know things real quick

and if they put it in

wrong because

they’re doing cars all day long

you know it

strips it and then he just

his car leaked oil for the rest of his car it’s like a

brand new car

died was and

the comedy is dead

i am always in the basement how they can always

get me to buy new air filters for my air conditioner

look how dirty

it is i’m like it’s a filter it’s supposed to be

dirty i just take a hose

to try every

hose i buy it

i don’t wanna

die yeah i don’t

wanna die either

fix that shit what are you

gonna do that

fluid in there yeah do that shit with the the red

stuff yeah but

those filters you just

spray out and

that’s all you need

to do i’m not

gonna do that either then they

start talking

transmission fluid and

shit like that

and then you’re like listen kid

you know you

don’t know what the fuck you’re doing get out of that

transmission

before i’ll buy anything well yeah

if you tell me i need it

wow if there’s something i don’t know

about i’m that girl

i wonder how many people get shit done to their car

every year they don’t really need just because

someone wants to make you on my car

because they said i needed it

well no balls that

big porsche

wings looks amazing

run that’s what

i want a car with a wing on the back of it i will

literally walk into a

store like a makeup

store and just be like what do i need

and let them sell it to me i don’t give a

fuck and i’ll buy it

i don’t even

wear that much makeup i just like to have it

i will buy everything

food anything

i’m an easy target

joe have you

seen this homeless man guy from columbus ohio

this is no this is amazing

yeah i keep hearing

about it so i have not seen it

check this out

i’ll try to show it to you but what it is is

my hometown of columbus ohio

this homeless guy

held up a sign

and that said that you know i can do

voices for food or

money or whatever do you

know that road

yeah i totally know that road

it looks exactly like it

we changed preway exit ramps

but recently there’s been this

guy with an interesting sign at i 71 in hudson street

his handwritten sign says he has the god

given gift of a

great voice

hey i’m gonna

make you work for your dollar say something with that

great radio

voice when you’re listening

to nothing but the best of oldies you’re listening to

magic ninety

eight point nine

thank you so much god

bless you whoa

and we’ll be back with more

right after

these words

and don’t forget tomorrow morning is your chance to

win a pair of tickets to see this man live in concert

thank you so much

when i was fourteen years old i was born and raised

in brooklyn new york when i was fourteen i kind of

listen to one of our area

radio announcers and

as a field trip to go meet the guy

and he looked

nothing like what he

sounded like so

i asked him

about that he said to me listen

radio is defined

theater of mine

and so when

he said theater of mind i just said well hey

i can’t be an actor i can’t be an on air

personality but

the voice just became something of

a development over years and i went to

school for it

and then alcohol and

drugs and few

other things became a part of my life

i got two years clean

and i’m trying

hard to get it back and hopefully somebody from one of

these television

radio say hey i need a

voice over or i

i need something

so you know i’m hoping one day

watch family guy week

nights at 7 30 on fox 28

anything but that’s what it is

i love radio i got sad yeah i got sad at the end

a little pathetic

the beginning was kind of nice

the beginning was actually cool if that was a 15

second clip

it would be the shit and then he got weird

who reads those signs that’s small

yeah that’s really small

the worst is when it’s the couple like it looks like

they just do meth together

and they’re just living

on the road and they have like a bowling ball bag

and the worst

is when they have a dog

isn’t that awful that the dog is what touches

your heart strength

like a person but i totally agree or

a fucking dog if they had a kid

probably the kid

would get taken away someone

you know protective services would come

and take the kid away most likely right

i mean you can’t have a kid and be homeless can you

i saw an episode of lawn or the

other day that says you can yeah

you can’t as well

taken care of oh my god

yeah madness it

gets enough box but that kid knows how to change a tire

yeah no shred

eat a tire too

how to cook a tire

well that guy was like i noticed that

the guy didn’t

sound anything like he looked i’m

like i felt like he was

gonna be like i was

white so i went out yes dyed my skin

got my nose it’s a real

thing to do when you’re homeless is to have a gimmick

isn’t it amazing that that

voice is like

it’s like a tool almost like the dj voice

like it’s such a

an affection

that you take on when you talk like a dj here we go

morning you know

there’s like something to it

it’s creepy though

what have you done for me lately

that’s like an old radio

thing that’s like a dying

sound probably though it is because

podcasts yeah

podcasts don’t do that there’s not like the guy goes

hi there maybe

we should do that

we should do a podcast in the dj

voice you’re listening to red bar

radio hey here we go all right

it’s also the

strip club dj they’re very similar

this is the same

voice but with a couple of drinks

all right denver

working hard for your tips

and your approval

lexus to the main stage

it’s like the same guy overall

djs that we have now

especially in la are so

i have a bit

about this which i’m not going into

they’re so ignorant

sounding there’s

this one i listen to like the hip hop stations and

i don’t know if he’s like

latino or what he’s like

yo you gotta

get your auto insurance and i’m like why does that

the word is auto

and it’s always like yo

ask these motherfuckers if they want

insurance y’all

gotta get down there and i’m like you are just

spreading ignorance like people

think it’s okay to get a job

and you’re yelling at me

and you’re mispronouncing

everything and half of it’s in spanish

i know how to

speak spanish properly they’re just

speaking to

their people

chi chi and that

there’s a lot of them as well

it’s not that it’s just so

wouldn’t if you’re if you’re fine let’s say you’re

of la raza and you’re

going to community college you’re going to

school or you’re

trying to get a better education and this is what

this is what your people are telling you it’s okay to

sound like sort of

maybe they’re just hanging out

you know maybe that’s just the way they talk

yeah

i know what you’re saying i do

agree that you know

maybe you should have like

better english and stuff but

you know if you know what the fuck he’s saying

they don’t we’re not saying anything

they’re not saying no they’re not talking

about the news it’s just like

yo boost mobile

no way that

not ghetto i like it

i want to make sure there’s a few

ghetto stations around so i can listen to him i like it

because that’s just connected to like remember that old

video with the leprechaun

found in the tree remember

like can we

watch it yeah have you seen

this is from

four years ago you will remember this once you see this

leprechaun i feel like a

bunch of people are

gonna be tweeting that they

think i’m racist

after this no y’all can eat it

no in alabama

yep it’s called

leprechaun in alabama and they

found this i know

what you’re saying you’re saying that people should

speak like they’re educated instead a good example

you should know what you’re saying but

then we were

never gonna you’re

gonna say anything i’m

never gonna listen you

because you

sound what i’m saying is i’m everybody’s different

i like watching people

and listening to people that are nothing like me

you know so i like listening to ghetto shows

i like listening to

their music

i like listening to them on the

radio too that’s what they

want to talk

they don’t have to say anything

listen to this shit this is the

leprechaun keep this

party going y’all yeah

that’s what i’m saying yeah

here with 98

6 we’ll be back with all sorts of

fresh tunes i

gotta make a

point for a living and they can just blabber

yeah but that’s

what they’re doing i mean nobody wants to hear a

point in between

their songs

anything i just want to hear the

music i miss djs

i miss real djs

curiosity leads to large

crowds and mobiles crichton community

many of you

bringing binoculars

camcorders even camera

phones to take pictures

to me it looked like a

leprechaun to me

i got to look up in the tree

who else in the

leprechaun say yay

oh my the leprechaun only comes out it gets better

if you shine a

light in its direction it suddenly disappears this

sketch resembles what many of you say

leprechaun looks like

hard to believe and have come up with

their own theories and is this real the image

my theory of this passing a shadow from

uh oh you know i got no family

could be a crackhead got home to the wrong stuff

and it told me get up in the tree and play a leprechaun

would you buy me a joint england

a joint of weed england

i join a week you have better language better action

more activities and

more individuals the guys on the radio

party better social lab is better relaxing

no fighting no clown is more enjoyment

more in job

this is not the news anymore this is not

this is like a remix version of it though

this is bullshit you fucking give me this is

disintegration it’s back to the

he suited up from his

spells right here what

this is a special

leprechaun fluke

bro they slowed him down this is ridiculous

he’s having an aneurysm

we fucked up and picked the wrong youtube video

alright alright this is what’s called poor

prior planning

so but was there a real

story there was a real

story that people thought there was a lep

yeah yeah that was real that was

mixed in with like complete craziness

i know what’s real though man

well they have an artist

rendering you

know what this is probably i’ll tell you what it is man

she’s probably a real fucking

leprechaun and this is the disinformation that

the government puts out

to make the

story of the

leprechaun look

like shit yeah

fallen birds you figured it out dawg

what is your

speaking over there

blanche she’s

under your desk

following i want to make sure

get in my litter box she won’t i

think i shut the door i don’t know blanche come here

come here i’ve

got something for you what is it she already

know she doesn’t want this

is this a stereotype

pretty girl with a little dog

no she’s not little

she actually

she’s actually

quite heavy

yeah she’s like thirteen pounds

you don’t ever

bring that dog to like the mall do you

do you do that i

bring her everywhere

but it’s not a cute bag it’s this big like over the

shoulder duffel

bag like a duffel bag like

she’s like a

basketball player uses

this like a

crazy special bond that you have with a dog when you

adopt a dog

because that dog’s life

could have been

super fucked

super fucked

could have been shit

i mean you never know she

could have been put down

she needs anything can happen

but you came

along and got her and i

she gets she’s very needy she gets upset if i

leave so i take her over because it’s not a problem

and she’s not little enough to be

annoying and i’m not hot enough to be annoying

about it so

it’s okay look at this

dogs are fucking fascinating animals you let your

dog chew gum

yeah i let my dog chew gum

the fuck dogs love gum they actually chew it

that’s not good for your dog why

why would be mad

about this no

that’s not right

don’t get your dog

have you ever

caught your dog though eating chewing gum

and it’s just like oh what are you eating

chewing gum

laying around the

floor you fucking sloth yeah

your dog’s eating it was like i’m done with this

you probably

just leave it everywhere

my dog’s really like

gets on top of

things it gets on top of my coffee

table now or whatever oh really

room and like you

gotta set rules son

you gotta be alpha

about that shit even with little dogs

there’s just

certain shit you shouldn’t have him do it shouldn’t be

walking where you eat exactly with their

dirty shit i like walking

where i eat the like everyone eats at the coffee

table now have you noticed

like the kitchen

table is like is

it’s getting phased

out we don’t have no

we don’t have families

like you eat at the

table with your kid eats at the

table yeah we eat at the

table really

we don’t have families

we don’t eat at the table

you’re like perpetual single guy i know

maybe if you got a

table that you don’t

wanna talk about that no

no are you have you

never you’re always single

again huh yeah

you know you single again yeah

watch out lady we

should play that prince

song you know that prince song i got a broken heart

again oh yeah

once you pull that up brian

we need to talk

are you sad

no brian has got to learn

what’s a cardigan

i got a broken

out of broken heart

again do you date

bitchy girls is that the problem

no no it’s just a nice guy yeah

he’s a nice guy

is he too nice nice guy yeah

i don’t think he’s too nice

it’s just you know it’s slapping

you got it right you got to get the

right combination

i don’t have it

that’s the whole

keyed relationship it’s not necessarily that you’re

wrong that person

the person that you got

along with is wrong

it’s like the combinations off

some people would go

great with some one person

but with other people that

clash and it’s just

everybody’s

gonna find that mix brian

that’s what it’s all

about brian

it’s not just

about bodies man it’s

about the person behind the body

sounds depressing my dog

you gotta concentrate on the soul brian

you gotta concentrate on being real with

these bitches

and find one who’s willing to be real with you back

see i’m saying bro yeah you

gotta tap deep into it

get to what it’s real

get to what’s real

they’re not

giving you the real then you give them the pimp

hand i get it

give them the heisman

you can step out of my life

see what you’re doing my time’s important

thanks for talking to you

let’s get a

check of traffic

alright here’s bob on the midway what’s

going on bob we have a slowdown at the five

you know i noticed

today driving here

that if i wanted to be a gardener all i

would have to do is walk down the highway i would find

shoes hats rakes

garbage bags like there was

like so much shit on the side of the road

have you noticed how much crap

it’s on our highways like ridiculous

things like couches and

chairs and is it because you think they’re not

cleaning up as much well i think it’s all

these landscaper guys that just have those

trucks that have like all the shit in the back you

know where it

just falls off

i’m waiting for you

right i’m waiting for a rake to come

right through my windshield i

ran over a railroad tie once a big

metal railroad tie

you know those big fucking

things that like

you know in

movie states

crushed on vampire no

i’m sorry not a tie the actual

bar the bar the

metal bar yeah

i was no the bar

that the railroad

track the wheel goes on a track

oh my god we’re all retarded

the rabbit with the tail

no the metal shit

the metal shit bro

the fucking long

thing that the

wheel rolls up

i thought you’re talking about the stakes no

no no it’s a bigger one wait are you talking about the

state no no i’m just kidding

you guys were

tracks this railroad

right not a tie

i said tie no

you don’t even remember the incorrect word

what i meant

is a section of

track it was like a big ass fucking

giant hunk of metal

and i’m driving on the highway

and all of a

sudden i see it before it’s too late there’s nothing i

could do and ba bam

i hit it and it just tears my

wheel apart

smashes it tears the tire off the wheel

and i had to make a decision

and i said you know what i’m just

gonna drive on this fucking

thing i’m not getting out on the highway and

risking getting hit by some fucking car

i’m like i’m

gonna cook this car

and i’m just

gonna drive on this fucked up

wheel and cook this car and it was

sparks were flying and shit and smoke

and it was nuts because it was like half of a wheel

it’s like half of a wheel

in this fucked up time

and i’m going like

literally did you have far to go

yeah i have like almost almost a mile did you

binge your rims fuck that car up yeah

yeah i had to get a

bunch of shit done

to it after it was

over yeah but you know what it’s better than me dying

true that’s what i thought of

there was a kid i went to high

school with that was

changing his tire off

the side of the road and someone hit the car and killed

him that’s why you shouldn’t change your own tires

yeah well you

know but have you been

watching horror

movies lately

it’s always the girl

getting her flat tire and waiting for the guy to fix it

girls take 10

minutes out of your time find

out figure out how to do it just in case of emergency

don’t want to be calling

these times it’s a physical tow

truck drivers

try to get those fucking

wheels off bro

those things are

sometimes it’s really hard

sometimes it’s

hard for a man like a big man to get your fucking bolts

loose i’m the

first to ask

others for help

i don’t even attempt

stuff at all

sometimes that’s a pain

you should try you should

learn how to do it if you can but fuck man

you could do it fast

it’s pretty

easy bro i guarantee you there’s some bolts that you

would not be able to

crack i bet i could

i don’t really

have a look

at you you just rose up like a man and puffed your

chest never had a problem

never i love it

i’ve never had a problem ever

i bet change the tire yeah

never really

wow it’s easy

wow between two of you you just have to use

the retard strength like okay i

gotta do it

you know i mean

sorry not retard strength

i changed a lot

of tires when i was a kid but i stopped a long time ago

i forgot everything that’s involved in it

but when i was in auto shop in high

school we listed

used to change tires like you know to use that fucking

stupid machine

that moves the tire in place and

yeah pump it

the weights

on it yeah it was kind of kind of interesting

stuff but i forgot all of it

we had this

teacher in auto shop

that all he

would do was fix up shitty

old mustangs i wish i

could remember his name

because he was

a real character it’s probably on facebook yeah

facebook facebook

facebook me bro you remember me i remember you

i just forgot your name

and he’s probably dead by now probably

dead i don’t want

to say that

i don’t want to make you feel

older or say that

about him it is no getting away from it

every year i get a little older

i hate when i

think of like an old actor

that that i

think is dead and then i go and find out that he has

like a facebook and a website remember that shit what

jonathan winners

the other day i was like oh he’s dead

he’s still alive he’s

still alive he’s got fucking cds coming out he’s got

paintings he’s got like websites

it’s hard to keep a lot of people die it’s hard to keep

track of who’s

alive and who isn’t

jonathan winners

used to be on

all the time back in the day that he just kind of

remember like

you know who jonathan winners sure

yeah yeah yeah he was the guy who

used to guest on

morgan mindy

remember did kurt

douglass die

is he dead i

think he’s sick

kirk douglas i

think is dead

michael douglas is okay michael

douglas is kirk

douglas i don’t

know don’t know

k irk right

right seems like

seems like he is

k y r q capital t

yeah so you’re from dallas right yes he’s

4 years old he’s

alive oh good wow

well then i just won 20

holy shit do you ever go on the lex and

terry show down there

or do you know those guys i do know the name i’m not

i didn’t do stand up and dials i’ve done it

since but i didn’t i

never did it i went to college in boston and we wow

sweat this real name you ready for this this is this is

kirk douglas’s real name it’s jewish it’s

is it jewish is that what it is it’s issr

iss you are is sir

daniel lovich

that’s his real name it just rolls

off the tongue i can see why he

chose ovich

wow it says it in russian letters

is it on wikipedia yeah

what would you like if you had to change your

name because you had a fucked up name like that what

would you change it to if you can just

darth vader

no like seriously i

would change my name to

darth vader what

would your backup

name be like a real name luke skywalker no

it’s hard because

it’d be like

lance obi wan

kenobi bitch that

would be my full name yeah

i don’t know anything

about cars or star wars

so you don’t

i got nothing well

kevin james

had to do that too

i don’t want to say his last name he probably

doesn’t want people knowing

i had to do it i can be called reich

oh i hear you in this

sound i know it does

sound rude i

sound like it

sounds the next

generation yeah it’s like

no matter what like people are forced to

think about the

third right

right that’s that’s fucked up just a little bit they’re

gonna not like you as much as they should

your bubbling personality is not

gonna shine through yeah

you being held back by a douchebag name bro i know

fuck that shit can’t go

wrong with you

you could make

you know you keep it as that and then just be the guy

be the one to change that stereotype

we can think of nazis or we can

think of you

yeah you just reinvent yourself as red band

huh just change that fucking name legally what

about red man

now evers i’ve been red man for a

while now there’s like a red band

like techno

artists from the uk

and there’s this

other he’s ripping you off there’s all

these red bands now it’s like that’s not

fair get red

band dot com

and tell people to jump on the red band

wagon yeah got it you’re

right redman

com is his he’s in the box it’s

over it’s done

dude you’re like a rapper you’ve

changed your name

you’ve reinvented yourself

i can’t be cool

my last name

doesn’t do me any favors

how about charlie sheen

those guys too there were

charlie sheen and emilia vesto as

her brothers

yeah but charlie was like

that shit’s just too mexican

it’s different

charlie’s like i’m

going with dad

i’m going with how dad rocked it

they have different fathers is that what it is

or different

is he a different mother from fathers it’s gotta be

mothers so they’re allowed to have sex with each other

they should yeah

totally bang

makes sense

now that’s how they’re married their kids would be fine

that’s how they’re married

charlie sheen is holding it down though

gotta tell you

yeah i’m talking about a guy that just keeps

doing the same shit and just life just keeps moving

forward for him when he walks on set

for two and a half men like the day after

that is everyone just like

quiet like someone pretend like nothing happened

the kid high fives i doubt it yeah i doubt

do you watch that show at all i

i bet he owns that shit

the best thing

about that show is when the hell they show the kid like

morph into the adult

that’s trippy a little creepy yeah the thing

about charlie sheen is

charlie sheen has like a hundred million dollars so he

doesn’t give

a fuck so it

doesn’t matter if he gets caught

with hookers just like what the fuck ever shut it

i hope he does hot shots three d

do you think you

could pitch it that would be the plot yeah

like he’s a retired

navy seal guy or whatever

he has a son

bieber and justin bieber yeah justin bieber

and justin bieber justin bieber

you know he has to train him you know

to take over fucking huge

movie i know

if we’re doing coke

right now this would be

the best conversation yeah dude this is a fucking huge

movie i’m telling you

right now agent

right now i know mike

young and mike

young knows leonardo dicaprio

okay we’re gonna get this fucking

thing we’re

gonna put this deal together okay

mike young rose

tobey maguire too

tobey maguire

wouldn’t be a bad

choice call mike

young right now

and pitch it to him

and see what he says mike young will

probably i saw

mike young last

night do it he

said he’s hot

right now if i put it on

speaker will you do it

he said something

hilarious he

said something

hilarious he’s like yeah man i saw i saw

i saw joe at

the ufc man and he

held up and

he said something like

write more or something

i looked up at him and i went like this with my fingers

right like from stage

yeah it’s just

he’s very funny

it’s an inside joke

he’s right he’s

right he’s right it was an inside joke

he would always

joke around

the problem was

i don’t want to

now he looks like

drake the rapper if mike were

black he would be drake

i think they look alike

i’m gonna drink

whiskey with him or

mike young my ties or no

those hot whiskey

drinks with my

daughter drake

i had hot hotties last

night that’s like

young or drake huh

but mike young or

drake both of them

who did you mean

initially mike young oh

i’m sure he

wouldn’t add me

to coffee or

something like him

travels with the russell

travels with russell

peters does he really yeah

that’s good that’s why he was in montreal for the ufc

i love his song

take me back

it’s a fucking

good song man

we should find that you want to play that

where is that is that even online

that’s hard

i’ll find it

you know i could always

email to you i’m sure i have it on my

my computer

i’ll just buy it from itunes i’ll support mike

you like it

from itunes fuck yeah i’ll support mike if

you can put

the link up it’s actually a really good song you know

my rap song it’s

a good song

we freaked out

it’s really

good i was like mike man this is like a good fucking

pop song i don’t know what it is

is he does he rap in it

no it was florida

yeah sort he sort of rap jews love rapping

i’m jewish my brother’s a rapper

we love it where

the fuck is it i don’t even have it on this computer

you son of son of a

motherfucker

here we go yeah you got it i

could buy it by

buy that shit song bye

i want to hear a

song oh it’s so good like we i was actually addicted to

the shocked

i was really

shocked i mean

it’s not the

greatest song ever but it’s like

i told him i go dude this

could be on the radio

like definitely

we’re gonna hear

it now yeah

what the fuck is going on

that we’re being held back by technology by things

speaking of which

this is something were we talking

about this before the podcast started

conspiracy theory

pun conspiracy theory

about what the fuck is happening with

these birds are

just asked you to talk about it

shoot what are you saying it said

joe rogan and eliza talk

about the birds and the fish that suddenly

died oh i didn’t even see that the birds in the

fish conversation i didn’t i didn’t read the twitter

but that is what the subject is the

these fucking birds like

thousands of them fell from the sky

and over a hundred thousand drum fish are dead

and then this guy gets murdered

who is an expert in chemical

warfare and

some guy in there’s all these

these websites connecting him

to to this this fucking dead bird kill

that they were

i mean who knows how much of it is

real and what’s speculative and what’s just conspiracy

conspiracy theory nonsense right

but it’s pretty fascinating

that this guy who’s an

expert in chemical

warfare gets

assassinated

he’s probably responsible

for it and peta is the one that assassinated him

they’re fucked and they are fucked

they make you

eat animals i highly

doubt it but i

think that’s

funny mike young

is he playing this song yeah

come here dog

is that you

that’s not the song yeah that’s what i couldn’t tell

take me back now

funny how time

you need it on that night

running around town now free

you feel real invincible

too cool for school yo i never met the principal

spend every night getting high

the back and eating everything in sight

young with the hunger fast paced no

wanna live a hundred years take me back

when i was a kid

this is a different version is it

yeah this this loop is different

maybe he remastered it

someone else is doing it had

time crushing the feeling such a rush she was

older so she made me

maybe he had a fallout

anyway he had a fallout with the song

sounds like a cracker

a little bit

sounds like

uncle kracker

and those guys that sang that butterfly song if

you want to get online what’s that song

it’s called take me crazy town

crazy it’s like

uncle kracker and

crazy town if

anybody wants to get it online it’s called take

me back it’s mike

young it’s from the

album work in progress

which is a great

album so whenever

you play some sort of

a song like that

for sure you open up the

floodgates of million

angry douchebags all over the internet going

to fucking socks

no socks cock

mike you shut

my feelings

mike young fuck

my girl how many people are out there yelling and

screaming you should

drown in aids on message

boards it’s

gonna be a thing now

that’s all everybody does it’s a

thing for a long time

if you go to the

if you go to the

underground forum or if you go to the rogan

board you know and this is

those are two forms that i go to on a regular basis

eliza are you addicted to them

are you addicted to any kind of web

websites or forums or anything like that i compulsively

check my own facebook page

but d listed

i don’t really

do celebrity gossip but i do like that guy’s writing

yeah he’s fun there’s also one called catalog living

net what it is

hilarious they take

pictures out of catalogs

and it’s these two characters and

if you go to it i’ll show it to you

they make fun of the way

furniture is set up in catalogs

cause they set up

these ridiculous rooms no one

would live like that

right it’s from the

point of view of

these i think it’s gary and

elaine they live in the catalog

and it’s from their

point of view if you just read one

it’s so funny i

checked that what’s it called again cat

it’s just no it’s just catalog living net

do you have a message

board on your website

i think so i don’t

think i’ve ever

checked it but

if you want

to contact me go to facebook or something it’s fine

that’s funny but why do you

how come you don’t want to have your own

thing why would you want to just have it on facebook

like message

boards it’s like

it’s an interesting

thing to be able to have like a whole

group of people that you’re communicating

with and it’s all hosted on your site i think

i think i do facebook

but i also have one there it is i have one for

my web show that we do there’s a

message for that

well yeah what is this web show because

you were guys

you were gonna tell me before the show

started but we decided to wait my

show is called the weekly news

wea koy you’ve been doing that for a while too

how long have you been doing it for

maybe three years and then we took a

break cause we lost our

sponsor and we just got it back it

starts next week and how do people see it

where is it at go to the

stream tv the

stream yeah like

water scram tv

slash weekly

and there’s all

these backlogged episodes and

we get on there

and i just thought it was important to do a show

where it wasn’t some girl just cackling

about kim kardashian

so we talk about

the headlines and what’s in the news and i get into

debates with people and it’s all in good fun

and it’s the weekly news

but if a kim

kardashian subject comes up don’t be afraid of it

i’m not afraid of it fuck

those motherfuckers don’t let them hold

you what am i

to say her names that people hear me saying in the nay

search or i don’t

wanna add to that you don’t

wanna add to it her and her

whole family they’re what’s

wrong with our society

are you sure

positive i thought

it was like weapons and shit we’re doing overseas

with our society

more insular not

so here in the city

the kardashians what’s

wrong with the world

all girls like that

i can’t even i mean you’re probably friends with her

no no no no i’m not friends

with her you

want in my opinion is this

this is not a joke she’s gorgeous by the way

i’ll give her that she’s gorgeous you did it

it’s all these

women that are

uneducated unintelligent

self entitled

did jack crap for anything and now

it’s not even

about the money you have all this notorieting publicity

and there’s nothing to you

and it teaches

women in our society

if you’re just

if you put on some makeup and let someone pee on you

or if you are

not that she’s a gold digger but if you do nothing

and just act like a

total fucking whore

rewards will come

yeah i screw it

higher education

screw integrity

i see your point i don’t see it

in any industry

i also see it though that you got to let the

market dictate

and i think that there’s a

market for a

horse there’s a

market for there’s

a market for

empty people on

television there’s a

market like

they’re players i mean i’m not calling her a

whore she seems like a nice person she got a great ass

what i’m saying is there’s

a market for people

that are trying

to get attention for no reason and they’re doing

absolutely people get fascinated

on them because they’re regular people and they

start following them

and then they become players in

like a legit fucking show that people get hooked up

on and roped into i am part of the problem because i

watch like real

housewives of atlanta

16 months pregnant

i watch all

these i’ve been

watching beverly hills i

watch all of them and i’m so

i’m a part of that problem

but i guess my

thing the beverly hills

don’t be hating that’s all i’m saying

not hating it’s

people are just

gotta let him

let a freak be a

freak you just

gotta let him

just gotta let him and

watch it he’s fascinated

watch sixteen and pregnant i can’t

watch that i can’t

watch that so

gross that one good

chick that has been

beating people she’s been like arrested like

three times if

i was sixteen pregnant i’d be kicking dudes asses too

that shits harry

she’s probably out of her mind what’s wrong with

mtv for doing that shit that’s

those are people

well you know what’s right with

they’re showing it to us

i don’t think it’s

wrong you don’t have

to watch it you know what it

is ever glamorize i

think it’s not glamorizing it man i

think for a lot of people it’s

gonna scare

the fucking

shit out i was always like why are all the girls fat

than a rose

they just said baby

oh you catty woman you oh

really no i’ll give credit if it’s due i mean they were

attractive i said kim kardashian was pretty yes you did

worthless but pretty wow worthless worth less

be pretty and worthless

if someone wants to fuck you you’re worth something

worthless in my eyes because i don’t want to fuck her

oh i want to fuck him from

nor did from alan

about the sister that you like that one

that came one the wig chick you like her i totally have

cigarettes with her and fucking just kidding your

has a type i would choose a type

brian likes a

big i wasn’t

it who wants a big woman that gets on top no

she know how horrible that is wigs get

up boy i hate fake hair that’s just

what if a girl was trying to

choke you while she fucked you

what what if a girl is trying to

choke you i don’t like that shit

i don’t like have you ever

tried to do that yeah

i don’t like

it chokes a boy

yeah there was this girl when i went to a

fight i went to a rave once when i was like 20

and there was

this girl that i took home and the next morning

she or that we had sex but she was trying to

choke me and

the next morning she had no eyebrows they had like

smeared off

and it was like rave her

eyebrows where she had no eyebrows and were

painted on and when she woke up it just

smeared all over her face

she wanted to

she was trying to

choke me the

whole time i was like what the

fuck this chick murdered somebody by now i’ve never

heard of a girl wanting to do i can

understand girls wanting that i’ve

never heard of a girl like

let me choke you yeah

ari’s a big choker ari she’s here

i could see that

every time i

could see that

about ari i can see that

about ari for sure

where austin

yeah austin in this the

whole time he’s just sitting there like

he just met this girl he’s just choking her the

whole time you’re there

in the bedroom

no no no it was

at the comedy

club oh you made it

sound like you were in bed with him i don’t think

it wasn’t like what you talk

about dude he

doesn’t care

i always talk about that

i’m sure he

doesn’t care i don’t

think any guy

would care yeah

but it was just uncomfortable for me because like wow

i can’t do that

i can’t just go up to a girl with like a hand

it’s like your neck

you find when you’re

young if you

date a girl who’s like really into her feet and like

playing with your dick

with your feet you do get like foot fetishes that’s

where they get it from is that where it

starts yeah that’s

where it starts only people are born with it

i don’t know

that’s catalog

going now some of

those are just really if you read

could be both

could be could be you

could have a

bunch of reasons for having some

weird fetish

but that could be one that he just

dated a girl and the sex

was really hot and she liked to get choked so he just

started associating

like choking

people like hot sex

that’s crazy right

i don’t know i don’t

understand i don’t

understand guys that don’t like boobs

that almost offends me

that don’t like like

like i’m more

of a buck guy i don’t really care i’m like how

could you not care

about but that’s so important yeah

i agree yeah i hundred percent

boobs are most what guys are you hanging out with

what guys you hanging that

they’re looking for flaws no no just

i know you got all big

tits and shit but

a lot of guys

like just i hear people talk on tv or male

comics are like i’m more of a buck guy i’m like

what a fucking

waste i don’t get that at all

if i had to choose between one of the

other i would say i’m more of a buckeye what

this is the problem no it’s not the problem i love

breasts as well

but i’ve seen a lot of really

attractive women

that have a

small breast and big ass but you’re looking at

their breast more than you are

their butt it

doesn’t matter it’s aesthetic it’s you know

what do you

think is sexy

i don’t mind girls with

small breasts it

doesn’t bother me

have i said this before

just because you have big

tits that’s all it is and you’re from texas

it’s like a

system it’s in

grain to your system

that’s a big titty

state i love

but between if you had to choose between a girl with

with big tits and a flat ass

a girl with

small tits and a big

juicy ass if she’s

lying if she

has no butt it makes it easier to lie down you can

touch the boobs no no i

hate that flat ass i hate that whose

ass is so flat that it’s really affecting you lazy

people i knew a girl in college that had one of

those flat asses that look like a square

cause very thin girl sometimes

and it was disturbing she had a little

chunk to her that’s what it is

i didn’t want to hang out with her just because

of how uncomfortable her ass made me if you have

an ugly butt it’s different

than a tiny butt

like elephant butts were just like a flat

rhino surface

yes there was this one girl

when we were in high

school this one girl that had this this strangest

body she was like

she was like five feet tall

but she was like

three feet wide and her

shoulders and her hips were equally wide is she a

swimmer no she was just a big girl she was so big

like i remember just like

standing next to her she was so

fucking wide and so big you like this poor kid you know

that’s nothing you can do

about it she’s just

giant bones

she was just like this five foot tall neanderthal

looking fucking freak

tiniest neanderthal in the herd that’s how

small they were

they were all little at one time

all neanderthals were five feet tall like 200

pounds they were totally

built different than us yeah

they look like wolverine from the x men comic book

for real that’s what they looked like was he

short in the comic

book yeah he’s really short

really yeah he’s really

short and yoked

but these things are actually

shorter than him

you know we used to

we talked about this on the podcast didn’t we before

about neanderthals

about why they died off

i don’t know but i bet they have

the best boobs

the reason why they died off is for your sake

because human males fucked the female neanderthals but

human females

wouldn’t let the male neanderthals

fuck them but don’t they rape in pillage isn’t that

their stick

we were kicking

their asses we’re

smarter than them

we made better weapons we’re fucking them up fucking

their women

and then we

just sort of integrated them and the males died off

that’s what happened

well that’s why the frenchers

i say we like it was me like i was a black

man with boys

kicking some

stupid monkey ass

that’s why the french are little

you think yeah

because they’re neanderthals

no that is a part

of france napoleon

has something to do with like all the

strong ones

went off to war and they were so weak all the big guys

died so all the little ones were left over and that’s

wow what a trip

how what a trip because

of any culture i

guess ridiculous

how crazy is that that’s like a real concern some

cultures that

men go off the war and they’ll die off and then

leave like a large

number of females then the

women have to become fucking warriors to try to

fend off invading herds of men

and whatever happened to that old

school like go to war for like

three years and the

chick actually waited for the guy you know

nowadays anything

happened the

second people leave now

world war ii

they were getting

closeted pussy

just like they are

today yeah not so easy now the girl

leaves and she puts it on facebook oh i’m

gonna be lonely for the next

three years

you know how many

fucking messages that

girl gets you cheat

on your boyfriend who’s overseas

you deserve to

die in a sea of aids

right yeah a

sea of aids

definitely what a dumb hooker

right unless

your boyfriend’s a douchebag and didn’t realize it

until he left went to war

and then what you get

stuck there because you want to be a patriot

no but just to

cheat on him just because you’re lonely can generalize

maybe the poor

girl just realized she’s free now just fucking at

maybe i want to

explore my life

and i don’t want to get in a confrontation with

randy because he gets fucking

angry and he

shoots his guns he

has rage issues

shouldn’t say randy when

randy coutures one of my

heroes i should come up with a better name

for my fake person i don’t

think he’s gonna

think you rick

no ronald i don’t know no one

named ronald is tough

is it ronald reagan

a bunch of tough

one right now

ronald get blush

blushy cheeks

think of any

mma guys i know

named ron fuck

ron is different

than ronald ron

but that’s what the real name is you become ron

if you’re ronald

you become nerd no one’s like jack

ronald yeah

ronald or ronnie so you have to pick huh

ronald or ronnie

but this isn’t the same

name isn’t it the

same my mom’s name is ronnie

really and my stepdad’s name is

randy weird hey

are you related to dr dolores

lesinger no you get

that question all the time it’s not

hers has a c i that’s

gotta be annoying as fuck

right it doesn’t happen enough that i’m like upset

about it did they ever

think that you’re her

maybe i get easier

upset that would be worse now

what i said

maybe i get easier

it’s easier to

upset me than you

it happens but it’s not

i don’t for me it used to be like fred rogan

the sports guy you related to fred

rogan but it’s

about i mean there are

worse people to be

asked if you’re related to that yeah

sure fred i’m sure he’s

a good guy no one asks if i’m related to kim zolciak

i’m okay with that who’s that

wig where yeah

like all from the

houses of atlanta

oh now dating a football

player you know her

having a baby you know her last name and

everything well that’s what she goes by and she’s a

song you think she quit smoking

while she’s having the baby no

i bought her cd no

i have tardy for the so

she’s smoking you

think she’s smoking

while she’s pregnant absolutely

that’s hard to see man that is one of the hardest

things to say and she’s a nurse

so you know i saw that in canada

stepped out of me and ari shafir

were way up

and fuck i think we’re in saskatoon somewhere crazy

and yeah it was way on the middle

it’s really interesting

and we stepped out of this restaurant and just

chick their big fucking belly

sitting there smoking a

cigarette i’m like wow

probably trying to do the kid a

favor and get it get rid of it so it

doesn’t have to be born in saskatoon

fuck there’s

people have made the argument that it doesn’t

i mean it’s

stupid that it

doesn’t affect the kid oh it affects the kid

absolutely i

blame that for why i’m fucked up

what my mom smoking

while i was in the womb

yeah that’s all my issues i remember

i remember my friend’s mom smoked and we

would go bowling

every saturday

and she would just sit there with the window

cracked open and just the

smoke would hit me in the face

the whole way to the bowling i remember going

this is the

worst this kid i went to high

school with his mom and dad

chain smoked it was the

creepiest thing you

would go over it was just a

house of death

you’d go over their

house and there was

smoke everywhere it was fucking cold as shit because we

lived in boston you know

so you go over

their house and

their living room was just filled with fucking smoke

it was just you

would walk into

a death cloud like they’re

killing themselves they’re choking themselves to

death my best friend growing up

her parents

were insomniacs that

chain smoked

and so she like come

sleep over my

house and you go home

reeking of cigarettes

are like before a formal she’s like come over to my

house for pictures i’m like

you probably jack from the

nicotine to did you get like did you feel the nicotine

i mean your kids so you’re

already yeah

we have mellow child

what mellow

child he’s trying to get to know you

no no i mean because of all the

cigarettes mellow

child i’m mellow

child no no

from her so relaxed

such a confusing conversation brian bro

yeah i feel really bad for little kids whose parents

smoke and they

smoke around them all the time they get it in

their head that that’s

you know just a part of life you know some people

smoke and shit

maybe i should try to well it is

relaxing and then next

thing you know you’re hooked on the tit to

it is a bizarre

thing that there’s no politicians

calling out for that shit to be illegal is it

bizarre it’s very

bizarre is it

bizarre bizarre

that people

tolerate it four hundred thousand people die

every year from

cigarette smoke and no one

no one is up in arms

what do you mean no one is up in

arms they’re not no one’s up in arms no one’s trying to

stop and no one’s making a part of political campaigns

politicians probably make a lot of

money from private

oh yeah they

definitely do i

think it should be illegal to

smoke anywhere but in your

house like when

i go out to eat even if you’re smoking on the curb

it’s affecting me it’s such

a selfish habit

a legal period

i think even most smokers

would say dude if it wasn’t sold

have you guys made it legal sure

i think you

should be able to do whatever you want to do in your

house you want to

smoke a cigarette i

think you should be able to

smoke a cigarette i

definitely don’t

agree with any sort of nanny

state bullshit

where you can say that

happy meals can’t be

legal because kids get

tricked into eating them because there’s a toy inside

shut the fuck up and parents it’s a goddamn

happy exactly if you want to buy a

happy meal every now and then for a goof

what who gives a shit stop this is nonsense

two people should die out we shouldn’t

i guess it will

yeah i think it is

the government’s job

to protect is not the government’s job to make you eat

right or make

things easier it’s

their job to protect your

right to do whatever the

fuck you want yeah that’s all i just don’t think you

should be able to tell me

i know cigars can give you cancer too and i like a

cigar every now and then

i don’t think you

should be able to tell

me what the fuck to do i want to do what i want to do

the government can’t

tell me not

to smoke but

you shouldn’t be able to

smoke in my face but there

should be some

sort of a way that we can find out what the fuck

those 599 chemicals

that they’ve

added to cigarettes are

first of all because a

bunch of them have been concocted entirely to affect

the addiction process no it’s mostly

spices spices

it’s a certain

menthol smell

it’s angel balls

and now she’s eating it now it’s with dessert it’s the

stuff that they put

installation

you know fiberglass is in

menthols is what they used to always

say remember that

stuff would make you itchy as a kid you

all laid on it

and then you have

oh i remember

that i used to install that shit i used to install

fiberglass the

paint stuff

other kind when i worked as

a labor for doing construction when i was a kid

my father was an

architect so i got a lot of jobs on construction sites

and we used to have

to install a lot of that shit and you just go home just

itching man

everywhere we

would jump on it at

the hardware

stores you get bad

zits too that’s what my attic used to

have in it and i used to just like looking at the pink

panther logo so i

would like jump in there just to look at it and

it looks so

inviting like cotton

candy yeah in

the summer summer in boston and installing that shit

look it’s so hot

there i went to college there and i know

ac in my apartment

it gets wet

it’s like that wet heat that you don’t get here in

california california heats no big deal

it’s a hundred and ten degrees

out here and you like god it’s hot but no big deal

you know it’s a hundred and ten

in boston or new jersey or in the wells it’s just

swamp supposed to be

like in a city

there’s no relief and there’s just steam

everywhere you

know they have bear problems in new jersey

do you know that

new jersey has like they just started

the opening

season on bears now they have bear hunting

you can get

bear hunting in new jersey

and it’s not

like bears they seem like they look

really good

well you don’t realize is a big part of new jersey

apparently is rural

we always think of new jersey is like neural rural

big we always think of new jersey is like newark in

these industrial

areas and these

dumps ship sopranos

do i have a bad accent

no no i just those are weird words newark

newark new jersey like

where i was born

and but a huge part of new jersey just woods you know

and there’s fucking bears are invading into people’s

neighborhoods

and once bears

get addicted to eating out of garbage cans

they know how easy

it is to get the food that way they just go to that

every time because it’s way easier

than killing animals or pulling up roots and shit

so they just

start fucking up people’s garbage and they just

move into neighborhoods

and they have like real problem i show you

funny bear clip

it was on like the tonight show a couple weeks ago

i saw this in the

you know in the new

york cabs in the back they have like little like nbc

video clips you can watch

right i was

in new york couple weeks when i saw this just put

hey what are you doing bear

it’s literally ten

seconds and it’s the funniest

thing ever people

should look at it

they named a

whole segment

after it this

this is the top one there’s

gonna be a thing

where i keep looking for it hey what are you doing bear

hey what are you doing there

what and what is it

it’s this farmer

and he is here it is this one watch this

oh i know what you’re talking about

it’s not a farm he’s a hunter

stand yeah a farmer

hunters i’m totally

kidding it’s close

well maybe vote for it until he gets here

well anyway what it is is this bear decides to

climb up this ladder where this guy is hunting

she’s really scary

and he scares it off this one’s quicker

wow bears are highly intelligent

and that’s not this this

that’s a different one

yeah that’s a that’s okay

it’s almost the same thing though

i don’t understand why this is

just get it like to the anyway the bear

this is the best podcast ever i hate when people

can’t find the clips and then they’re like just wait a

second and then it’s not

funny and then

their internet sucks

here comes yeah

and then just watch

the bears looking up the ladder

there’s a bear at the bottom of this tree stand

and now the bear is climbing up the tree stand

a ladder here it comes

yeah it’s a ladder but it’s a tree stand

the bears climbing halfway up right now

oh my god say

something dude hey what are you doing there

what are you doing there

what the fuck

how lucky is he that that bear does not know what’s

going on and just run away

was fucking

crazy hey what

are you doing there and there’s like i made mistake

wrong house there’s a guy that’s pretty relaxed

yeah that guy’s

relaxed around

screaming like

a bear was halfway up

the fucking ladder before he said anything

he was hoping the bear was

gonna change its mind

that’s crazy you don’t

get real big

when a bear comes you just have to reason with it

bears respond

to logic if

unless they have

their babies with them and then they’re

gonna eat your asshole

growing up in

texas they go asshole

first asshole

first and they’ll eat you out from the inside

growing up in

texas did you do a lot of hunting

like a lot of no

i’m jewish we don’t

hunt for bargains

you know what i did used to do my friend lauren

her parents were into something called like reenactment

shootings and they would

dress up in like period costumes like like

early or late 19th century cowboy attire and we

would go out to like

the middle of nowhere and like frisco before it had

houses there

and they would have little towns set up and they

would do timed events

shooting like rifles

and you’d get awards at the end and we

would just sit

there in the back of a suburban and

drink dr pepper

and watch her parents do this

every sunday

damn like 6 am

and they had like cowboy names and

it was like a little community

holy shit and i wish we got to

shoot guns wow

awesome yeah

it’s like a cowboy version of

dungeons and dragons or something yeah

it’s kinda like

civil war reenactments but there’s no

shooting back

those things and like

civil war reenactments and i don’t get him

i don’t get him either i don’t i don’t get the

i guess i get the renaissance

thing a little

bit more renaissance fair it seems like they’re

yeah that’s when they

go they’re having fun the food is so good

the civil war

thing is like

ridiculous though because

are you just running

like around with the gun

i don’t think so i

think they plan out the war

yeah what did plan out like battles like this is when

these guys came over the hill

and it’s like an accurate

do you have

to do it according to what happened i

believe so i

think that’s what directions

well i think

they’re just pretending they’re really doing it in

real history and they’re getting a boner for it this is

weird big old

civil war box it’s fucking

weird man running around with fake bullets and you’re

shooting blanks and shitting

as a kid though

watching that was really cool

and it showed you

that something that you normally used to have books for

now you can just be a

video game i wonder how

often those

civil war reenactments i wonder how

often people get actually shot

it’s like oh i thought

these were all

blanks like

you didn’t like some

fucking sly psycho

who just said i’m just

gonna go and i’m

gonna shoot somebody and i’ll

say it was an accident i thought it was thought it was

blank they’ll

never know it with all

the same gun they won’t know it’s for me yeah and they

would have to figure out who shot the real bullet it’s

brandon lee

dude law and order

yeah the brendan lee

thing right oh yeah

yeah that always

scary yeah it’s fucking terrifying

that they changed the rules now

you know because of that

movie you’re not allowed to

point a gun at a person

when you’re in a gun

scene and you’re

shooting at them you

not allowed to

shoot a blank at the person you have to

point away from them so the prop

guy just loaded in a real bullet on accident

i don’t think so i

think there was something in the casing that wasn’t

exploded wow

something in

it was like there was something

stuck on the top of it

i think that’s what it was it was like

set and it acted

as a projectile and it shot him and it was at really

close range i

think too i thought

about that and

i’ve always thought

about that as like a

horrible way to go and then i realized i can’t even get

callbacks so i don’t

think being shot on set is like an

issue of mine yet

like you’re not

gonna be that picky

when i first came to

california it was like 1994 there was a guy

who i was working with whose friend had

committed suicide accidentally

on a set because they had a blank gun

and he didn’t know that you couldn’t just put a

blank gun up to your head and pull the

trigger you can’t

no it blows your

brains out with the fucking wow

yeah i never knew that i

wouldn’t have done it but

he took this in

front of everybody

and he’s like hey look at this

boom and he fucking blows his

brains out the

force in the air of the gun

wow what an

awful way he probably didn’t die

right then he probably

died like minutes

later but hemorrhaged

big hole in his head went down

started hemorrhaging

they bring him to the hospital dead

yeah i wish

i was on youtube

fuck you ever see the budwire

have you ever seen there

budwire was

a he was a politician do you want to

watch it yeah

oh my god budwire was a politician i believe it

was in pittsburgh and he was corrupt and he got caught

and he they called a

press conference and

and he pulls out a

forty four magnum in the

press conference and blows his

brains out oh yeah

sad no it’s

gonna freak you the fuck out

maybe we’ll find

out what you’re made of if you’re an ice princess you

might just look at this and go yeah fuck him

fuck bud dwyer

yeah i’m sorry

it’s not about you right now

she’s stuffed

where’s greg

is that him yeah looks like alpha hitchcock yeah yes

where’s johnson so he wants everybody in the room

and he’s got an envelope he’s planning this yes oh yeah

watch this here he opens the envelope

watch this

greg where are you right here look at this okay

just hang on to that right for the moment

he hands out some letters

and then he pulls out the gun

watch this shit when i and i

please leave the moment as well

this will hurt someone

oh my god

settle down

don’t panic please don’t panic shit don’t panic

i almost started crying

someone call the ambulance

i hate that

yeah that wasn’t cool why would you want to watch that

yeah that was

in the movies there’s not even that much

blood gushing out

well but in the movies aren’t really accurate but you

would think a movie would do more

right it’s always exacerbated

everything’s always bigger

i’ve never seen

blood gush out

of someone’s nose like that yeah it’s horrendous i’m so

sad now really

well bud’s in a better place now

probably not maybe so

probably the comedy

story he’s in the basement

he’s in the basement doing abortions oh i hate him

he was pregnant at the time

that’s why it’s terrible

that’s why he killed himself oh god i hated that yeah

i know it’s a trip to

think that the spectrum of

human behavior is that vast

that there’s people that

their life is so fucked beyond prepared their

brain is so fucked

their emotions are

so fucking damaged

everything just so much pain

they just wanna

stick a tube of

metal in their

mouth and just

end it all playing

that’s one of

those haunting

videos that will

always be in my head

the woman getting hit by the

train is another one the guy getting fucked by the

horse the guy

watch that that

would make me feel better monkey

yeah pull up two guys one

horse calm my

ear hurts now cause i’m

watching that well the two guys

like this com

this is what i was talking

about with the

movie zoo yeah

they really

changed the law because

of this so what happened was i can’t wait to watch it

this guy died

and then they interrogated his friends and they

found out about this

farm and they went there and there was over a hundred

hours of video

of guys getting

fucked by animals and this is on the documentary yeah

well they don’t show it in the documentary

the documentary is like

most of it is like reenactments and you

know kind of describing

everything that

happened when it went down but it’s just so fascinating

especially from the

point of view of the people who were

living there

because you

know these people are like in love with animals i mean

they’re really there’s something

going on that’s not right

can i ask a question before we start this

when whoever

built this website was like webmastering it

do you think it’s

weird to be like

hey hey can you don’t

phone how do i get that jpeg of the

horse runner i

think you’d be really cute on this website

you know it’s a pony is it from clip art like

where do i get this

i think it’ll

compliment the horse cock

really well from a website from like 1986 put

two of them on

the two of them

are go crazy

i’m a horse cock joke this is obviously okay

now this is

gonna be fun

to watch your face i

wanna watch for a

second i don’t

wanna get by the way

this is a hundred percent real

is he doing that himself no no there’s another guy

this is yeah that’s why it’s two guys one

horse that’s a guy’s arm

look how he’s holding it to try to keep it from

going in too far that’s my favorite part

oh jesus christ is this what kills him yep

look at that do you hear what he’s saying too much

is that a intestine no that’s a horse dick

and that kills him right there listen to this oh god

they were saying

he came he came

like all excited that the

horse came oh

vile that killed that guy yeah

the guy who’s in that

video is a guy

that used to go by the name of mr hands don’t throw up

you can do this eliza

you got through the

whole last comic

standing black

my neck’s really hot

not like it turned on william

what are you doing bro

i was trying to cheer her up with lemon parties oh

blue waffle what blue waffle the waffle

blue waffle i think i

think i know you blue waffle

watch google that shit blue waffle

it’s like the

20th image now you have to images and what is it

just a really gross picture

oh my god on

google images

blue waffle

oh whoa whoa

can you even call it a vagina

that’s photoshop of busted vagina wow i

think some girls with their vagina get that out of hand

looks like the no that’s not out of hand that’s

like ebola that

looks like the predator got in a car accident

and then drown and then drown

actually i wonder if i

could ever jerk off to that picture

if i really tried hard

if you had to if i

had your eyes

closed well if you only have to come like a little

dribble you

could probably pull

yeah you can yeah you can

yeah yeah you can

you can what are you talking

you’re not turned on yeah i mean you can’t control

it like consciously but different factors do yeah

how hard your comes more

becomes more

guys barely turned on you

like it will

i challenge this

no it’s no it’s a fact if a guy’s not turned on

yeah if you’re

jerking off to a

picture of a fucking diseased vagina

you’re not gonna get a full

reaction it’s gonna

get as much

come as you

would if you were

super turned on no no no

no i can show you

i can show you

fuck you and

everything’s

gonna work out

this has all been a plot

by brian look see

watch brian

don’t do that

brian this is disrespectful

she’s a girl you can’t do that this kid

that’s not cool

for the folks

listening on itunes

brian just pulled out a big rubber penis

aimed it at me which you can’t do on a movie set

brian we’re we’re number three number seven

and number twenty nine

in the top thirty podcast did you get that

email yeah that’s pretty

sweet yeah we just all the episodes downloaded episodes

yeah so everybody that’s tuned into podcast

thank you very much and

thanks for all the positive emails and twitters and

this is a lot of fun to do and we enjoy doing it and we

enjoy having people like eliza

come on is it over

very polite dog no we’re gonna

keep this rolling

we said that time

no i just wanted to say thank you to people i

have to wait till the end

if somebody said talk

i don’t know what people are

tweeting you see now someone’s back as i said something

about saskatchewan i’ll back it up

just don’t listen to them you can’t

you can’t be disconnected why you making the machines

control you lucy

the machines controlling you man

that was a good way to connect

is a good way to connect it is a good way to connect

you know just don’t want to connect all the time

because then you’re gonna

eventually it’s gonna they’re gonna invade

all aspects of your personal

world the robots will take over well there’s

gonna be some sort of a you know hey you know a camera

where you can you know see two views

the view of you and the view that you see of the world

and you can choose to

share these views with people

that’s what’s gonna happen

you can have your own little fucking

internet tv channel

and it’s your life

and you know people some people let them see

everything yeah you’ll

see you know

you can see out when i’m

washing myself but you can’t see back you can’t see me

naked like people will draw the line

and which cameras are

gonna keep i’ve already done that i mean

you already have it

really someone’s taking showers and

shit with cameras on them and move oh yeah my little

sister yeah

my stepmom song

that it’s called something like roulette

no no but chat roulette

chat roulette

and that’s totally

different you know but that’s dudes pulling

their dicks out

that’s why it’s chat really

uncomfortable my stepmom was telling me

about this bet on

black she goes

she goes and i went on to

emily’s my step

sister wanted

emily’s computer

and i could see her and her friends looking and

i didn’t know what they were looking at and i went in

their room they were on chat roulette

and they were looking at some guy’s cock

i was like you said cock

for no reason

she was like it was just a big cock

and i was like

get out of here

i think half of chattley

roulette is that

i’ve never seen i don’t know

what’s cool

is they have an iphone version and i was one of the

few people to download i actually have a bit

about this how it was one of the few people

to download it and then they pulled it off the itunes

store so you can’t download it anymore

there’s like a good

20 000 people that downloaded that app that

still use it cause it

still works

but now it’s

but now there’s no new people so you just

start recognizing

penises and

you’re like oh

there’s jim again yeah

is that his wife in the

background so

when they pull it they can’t take it off your

phone it will

still work it will

still work yeah

yeah well how

come no one’s figured out a way to get it back to the

phone i don’t know because i’m getting to everybody’s

phone getting

tired of looking at the same car

it’s repetitive

that if you ever done that facetime thing oh yeah

how’s that was that facetime

if you had an iphone you

could call me and do a video is that

dig at me cause i’m not sure

yeah i think it’s

good yeah cause can you do facetime

do you have to have a wi fi connection though

yeah yeah you have to have a wi fi connection

with that t mobile phone the new one that

doesn’t have wi fi but has the 4g or whatever it’s i

don’t think what is it

i don’t know if it’ll work in anything other than

apple phones but what is this two way

video chat i think it only works apple

i think you got skype now you have skype

video now just grill released on the

same thing as skype yeah so it’s nothing sexual right

skype video so you can do the same

thing as this yeah and it’s

gonna be more universal skype video is actually 3g

it’s not wi fi

a video so the jerking off is back on don’t

is that what it is a lot of that yeah

a lot of two way jerking off yeah

is there a way to record it

oh so we could secretly record brett favre’s dick

while he’s two way turning off totally

that’s not his dick i don’t

think it’s his dick no why’d you say that because

i mean it was great

to see that

it was his dick i’ve had sex with brett favre

maybe everyone needs to know ever after he had

practice when he was really tired

he barely gets it up

it just looks like it was his i just

you’ve imagined

it different right

i’ve in my dreams how

would you imagine brett farms cock to be like a war it

would have shoulder pads

and war pads gladiator cock

you like to

think of your

superheroes as having superhero wieners it’s

kind of a trip when you see a dude with gray hair out

there playing professional football and you’re like hmm

really what

the hell’s going on here

what’s going on how are you doing this how are you

he’s not old though he just has gray hair is

forty something

old for a professional oh yes

imagine what his balls look like nope

there’s old

people in athletics

that are able to compete somehow or another

after age forty

there’s not that many it’s pretty fucking small

yes quarterbacks

come they’re not as

there is nothing with impact as a

quarter you got

linebacker they get nailed

but it’s not

as often as like a

yes a bigger

guy but when they get nailed they get nailed

extra hard because they’re like a little bonus

you know take out the

quarterback people get

excited to do that call the

quarterback fact joe yes

just let you know

they’re gonna change football though

folks they’re

gonna put fucking

sensors and can’t in

their helmets

they’re gonna they’re

gonna find out

what kind of impact people get

i thought you mentioned

they couldn’t

curse they bleep it

like if they were airing it from their

point of view

like i’m gonna hit football

now that the football has a real

issue with head injuries

a lot of these guys are getting like

really massive

brain damage and then as their

older men they’re

just fucked up they’ll get lou gehrig’s disease

they have all

these issues they eventually become paralyzed

some of them

their body just

just eventually

shuts down and it’s from continued head

trauma sure

smashing their head into

these fucking

helmets and so they’re

gonna start

making them wear these

sensors that detect what kind of impact they get

they can do it for hockey

probably not

cause more body impact yeah

hockey they slam into each

other and everybody

slides around too you know

it’s like it’s probably better to be on ice when you’re

slamming into each

other because even though they hit you really hard

there’s all

there’s it’s

slippery you’re not

dug into the ground like you are like in a football

field where it’s dirt

and you’re running and you’re running it absorbs

yeah i guess more impact

is stationary

yeah i just feel like you move

i mean that’s why i like hockey

fights don’t seem as

dangerous i mean sometimes guys get fucked up in hockey

fights i saw a guy but it’s another guy

with his own helmet

oh that’s not

right it was

an accident but it happened that’s douchey move

it got caught

everybody knows supposed to take the gloves off

and you circle

and then you go at it you don’t be hitting people with

their fucking helmet

that’s no but yeah that’s weak shit

there’s nothing

worse i will say this i just remember playing

sports in high

school there’s nothing

worse than when you

you aim to hurt someone

but you accidentally

hurt them in a way you didn’t intend to

and it looks more

aggressive than you meant

and that’s when you’re like guys i didn’t mean to

punch her in the mouth

i meant for it and

it was an accident and it gets caught

and you so you are like a

super competitive person

you’re there

throwing in

cheap shots no

did you throw

cheap shots on girls in lacrosse

i got a lot of yellow cards did you

oh my nickname you wanted my nickname was butcher

because i was

defense i took it very seriously oh you’re mean so you

would you hit them with their

sticks hit them with the

sticks and shit

really i’m not supposed to

and but not like do it anyway

right just a little love tap like get out of my tap

hit him with a

stick like i

was hitting bitches with sticks man

she was playing lacrosse she was hitting

chicks with

sticks from

texas one of my

worst members from high

school i got a red card you know what you

would be into

you would be into martial arts

have you ever done any martial arts

you are so aggressive

that would be such a good

thing for you

i would love to take

something just so i

could back like

when something like a girl is a

bitch in a nightclub i

would be able to back up my shit talking well you don’t

wanna fight

no but sometimes you’ll feel confident enough

it’ll be better because you won’t be

worried about it i

would never get in a

fight but i

would like that

confidence to

know that i

could handle it

i just mean for just getting all this energy out of you

you mean the elliptical 20 minutes a day isn’t

gonna do it it’s not

gonna do it

no you need to hit something you need to hit something

where should i go

well we’ll talk

afterwards tell me

where you live

cause you don’t want to tell all

these fucking freaks

these online people are listening

no but can i tell

you something yes

speaking of

where you live somebody

sent this to me i’ll give you the address right now

somebody sent

this to me there’s a website you can go to

there’s probably a

bunch of these here it is

it’s called

spokio com spoka com

and you can type in your name

and your name will come up

where you live don’t say this

no no you can

block yourself i took myself

off of it this morning that’s what i’m telling you

anyone they’ll tell you how much your

house is worth okay let’s talk

about this later no people

should take themselves off okay people are

gonna find you if they want to find you oh yeah

it’s 2010 right

eleven now but you

should you should

block yourself

yeah you shouldn’t promote this

i was pissed because they said my

house was worth less than it was

those cunts

yeah so don’t tell me

where you live on the air but afterwards

i’ll find a

place that’s near you i don’t

want to get kicked in the shins we’re hitting the boob

well or in the

mouth they have

protection for all of us that

is stun gun

but really the best

thing for a girl to

learn is jiu jitsu

because jiu

jitsu is not really reliant

on strength it’s really more reliant on technique

so you could actually subdue a man

like you could

choke a man

like that my friend felicia she weighs

about 130 pounds

and she fucks men up all the time she’s a

black belt and men it’s so frustrating for men

there’s nothing they can do

is it pressure point

no it’s just

it’s technique it’s

chokes and arm locks and

stuff like that but

you do it correctly

so if you get attacked by a

rapist you will grab him and

throw him on the ground and

start rolling around with him so

you know what i

wanna learn

small joint manipulation that shit

doesn’t work yeah

no dudes will let you

break their fingers and

still punch you in the face

doesn’t work

believe me when adrenaline’s flowing you’re not even

gonna feel that finger oh it’s not for fights

just being annoying

doesn’t really work

people pull

their hand away not

my fucking hand back no

that you have to be

smart i only pick on people weaker than me we’re

weaker than you and then are your friends

you pull them into your web and

break their fingers

fucking you some

weird maneuver

see you’re a

competitive person and this is like it’s all natural

and it’s just

it’ll help you so much

if you just fucking

punch a heavy bag or do a jiu jitsu

class something

he’d be so much more relaxed

i would love to i

would love to take something like that

it’s fun it’s fun you’ll do it

that’s not a thing

have you ever

tried yoga i have done yoga i like to move

that’s very i don’t

enjoy meditating and

stuff like that that’s very hard for me

but yoga is not just

meditation it’s just

the ability

to relax in these

really uncomfortable positions i like that hold

and strengthen

good for you though

it is good for you but you can

there i do it rarely though i talk a lot of shit

but if i take one yoga

class a month it’s a lot

i do it when on my own like before shows i always

do it yeah it

helps you warm up stretch out i’ll go with a friend

relax my body i like green tea

green tea massages

no just green tea

green tea what you fucking going

does it it’s kinda

energized it’s got some

caffeine in it i

think but i don’t

think it’s like

as much as a cup of coffee or anything i think it’s

less than that but it’s probably healthier for you

you know it’s a shit yerba

mate you ever had that oh this tastes bad

maybe throw some

honey in there

it’s an interesting

tea because it gives you a different kind of

stimulant it’s different than the

caffeine sort of coffee stimulant

it’s a little

clearer little

clear headed it’s

not as buzzy it’s not as fucking yeah let’s go fucking

start a business

i’ve made some fucked up decisions high on coffee

you know cause coffee will get you

motivated to do shit i don’t

wanna leave this room with started business

i fought in a tournament once when i was a kid

i was delivering newspapers and i was

i’d been injured and i wasn’t

training and i decided the day of

that i was gonna fight in the tournament

after i ate two donuts and

drank a big cup of coffee and i was fucking wired

and i’m like i wanna go

fight and so i entered into this tournament

just because of coffee

totally yeah i wanna

wanna being like really big tournament for me

it was a us open

i drink a red bull before i go on stage

is it a us open yeah

vc no oh i’ll tell you a

joke i was a

taekwondo us open

it was i would have

never even fought if it wasn’t for the coffee

coffee just had me so convinced that it was a fun

thing to do let’s go fucking do this

you should be

doing that well back then i was

competing so it was really the only reason why i wasn’t

gonna fight in the tournament is that i had an injury

but the injury like it kind of

healed itself over the week that i had off and i just

two fucking boston

cream donuts

which is like who knows how many

insane grams of

sugars in there and a giant

thing of dunkin donuts coffee one of

those big ones like a 16

ouncer you just crap your

brains out afterward

explosions your

asshole just opens up

and it just

the way it comes out too it’s so easy

it just all comes out

you know what sucks

on this kind of on the same thing

i did one of

those things

where you go

to the bathroom before you get in the shower you don’t

flush the toilet

because you don’t want the shower to change the

water and i left it there my cat has been

drinking out

shut the fuck up

wait can i tell you something

that doesn’t do if you

a lot of houses aren’t made that way anymore

what a lot of

apartments and

stuff aren’t rigged so that your pipe

yeah well i’m not

fancy mcfans or something no

my building’s old i’m just saying

that doesn’t always happen

you might want to flush

no no like when i

flush it changes

the water everywhere

at my house

the whole water

the water’s

freezing how

long does it stay freezing

months like

like 45 seconds that’s

ridiculous that’s

ridiculous oh yeah

it’s kind of an

old ass 50s

fucking engineering

whole house

in polio yeah

anyways the cat got in it and

i don’t know

what happened but i came outside and there’s just

like paul shit

everywhere oh god

jesus so then i didn’t

have anything to

clean it up with

except windex and pledge

it’s a clean shit

it smells better you know

i squirted on there and

the wind actually

cleaned a lot

but then the next day i was just like looking at my

floor these little white dots

everywhere on the floor you can see it looks like a cat

ghost walked it

oh disgusting

disgusting it’s

awful yeah there’s nothing

quite like a turd that you forget

about and then you come back to it the next day

you realize you have to

flush it and it has been sitting there stewing

maybe you took a shit

while you’re on the phone you didn’t want to

person to hear the flushing in the

background you want person to know you’re a

human i take so many dumps i’m on the phone

that’s why i take some of my best

phone conversations

have you ever had your your like

girlfriend or wife or whatever like i

like two months ago walked in and she forgot to

flush and had one of those like what oh my

jesus looking at her and it was like a

huge joe idea

shit inevitable

it’s inevitable

i hate that why are we talking about poop

people drop logs son it’s a part of life

that’s what my daughter talks about

calls it now she’s two and a half

she calls it dropping logs oh my god that’s so

funny cause they keep telling her did you drop a log

did you drop a log in your potty she’s like i’m

dropping logs

i tricked my vlog

back and forth i tricked my vlog back

and forth when kids find out what’s funny

and what makes you

laugh they just repeat it over and over again

so she has i like how comics yeah very similar

really the same

thing it’s fair

is that a fucked up thing when

someone goes to see you and you know they’re

going to see the same show like the next night i get

weird about

it yeah i almost want to be

like as i’m telling the joke be like and you probably

blanche come here

as i’m saying it i

want to stop and be like look i know you know what i’m

gonna say but if you

could just be

quiet for everyone else

she’ll sit on your lap

yeah that’s a

we’re like i’ve talked

to people before shells i go dude

we love you so much we’ll come to see you

every night do you have shows like yikes

what i gotta open

every show totally different and makes

my material up and fuck i can’t tell the same jokes

yeah over and over

again with the same timing

it takes a long ass time of repeating a joke

to to get it

effortless to the

point where it looks like you’re

thinking it up on the moment yeah

you know and

when someone sees behind the curtain like that two

nights in a row

yeah it’s weird it’s weird

i’ve had people yell out a

punchline before oh that’s brutal

i hate that

because you get so nervous to take that

pause that you

need for whatever your joke is just for timing sake

and then they’re like

goats and you’re like

yeah that’s

such a douchey move and

the problem is with youtube

like your material gets

online it takes like a long ass time to develop a joke

yeah people don’t know it starts off

starts off as like it’s something in

funny in this or something

funny in this

right i mean that’s how i always

started out like what the fuck is

funny in this there’s something

funny in this

and a lot of times i’ll have a

bunch of different

ideas different ways to go that i’ve written out

but it takes a long ass time to figure out

which way i’m

gonna go with

it i have to do it over and over and over again

so if someone gets a hold of it like in that process

and then puts it up on youtube and then everybody

watches it and then they come to the show

and they yell out your plunge

log yeah they just

they just double triple fucked you and they but

they they’re not doing it to be dicks like they’re so

excited to be there they just that’s

tough yeah there’s a lot of that and there’s

some people that are just douchebags and they fuck up

everything they

touch and they just can’t help it people just that

point they are man that’s true you can get some

toxic people

i get people that come up to me

after and they’ll

reference a joke i did not 20 minutes

earlier and i

take myself so serious on

i won’t realize that they’re

referencing it

and i’ll be like i have a bit

about that they’re like i know that’s why i just talked

about that i’m like oh

right do you guys want a

t shirt that’s

funny you sell merch yeah

what does t

shirt say a

bunch of them do you have any sexy ones

you like girl

i don’t should do that did you buy that do what like

daisy duke back from the

old dukes of hazzard days

oh yeah get a

t shirt with my face on it yeah

some some if you go to my facebook page you can see my

album cover it’s not sexy but there’s many

because you’ve got some look like you you have glamour

shots online i saw some that’s my

album cover yeah your

album cover

like super super

super glamour shot

i mean it was supposed to be like an 80s glamour

shot thing oh

that’s what exactly it looks like

so no that’s not the one i’m talking about

yeah i like that that’s powerful

i like that

eliza live i just this

your cd this out

right now yeah it’s on itunes you can get it on itunes

yeah itunes the dvds coming out and if

you’re anti

apple where

else can they get it can i get it on my website amazon

your website go to

liza iliza com

powerful do

you actually sell it as a physical cd or i have them

yeah printed i just got them

isn’t it crazy that those

still exist

yeah you know what i saw the

other day it’s

called a drop card do you know what this is no

my friend showed this to me

it’s a card you pay me for the cd i give you

this card and it’s so you take it home and you download

it with a code so it’s like a free download like a gift

card okay yeah

drop card that’s cool

that is cool

you know do you

think i mean it’s only a matter of time before

solid state

media just disappears

right like actual

physical media like a physical dvd or physical

right most people

don’t buy cds anyway

no and i don’t buy cds anymore i stopped

everything on itunes i just buy them to use it snort

cocaine was just

so badass dude

you know what i love

when i’m in a fucking like there was

a song the other day i couldn’t figure out who it was

and so i put up that shazam

thing oh i have that yeah

for folks who don’t know it’s a program that lets you

play there’s a music

playing in the

background you

press shazam it listens to the music

sends the information now tells you

who sung the song what the song’s

title is and

she has a link

that you could buy it on itunes

right there and you

can play it

you can play it

right there too you can play it

just press play

and it’s playing on your

phone it’s fucking incredible it’s the craziest

thing ever i’ve just been

buying songs like that and just add them to my iphone

oh i love this song bam

is there a way on apple

an apple on itunes

when i download

music to work out i always like to

do like top

forty like what’s on the

radio is there a way you can

search on itunes like top

forty hip hop songs

and it’ll bring it up yeah yeah

absolutely probably

yeah well all

you have to do is look at the top ten lists and

stuff like that you know like

maybe like just in hip hop i don’t want like billboard

i want absolutely

you’re into hip hop what kind of

do you like do you like old shit like gangsta

it’s uh gangster it depends

anyone hit wonder

within the realm of hip hop r and b

rap for the last 15 years i know

right more of a

radio per i love the

radio do you like d antwoord

have you ever

heard of d antwoord

you haven’t

heard of d antwoord

that’s the best oh

shit throw on the the

video dude the fucking okay

what is that

first video

no no no the

first video the

first video that

launched them

i’m a ninja no it’s not i’m a

ninja the next one is it funny

yeah it’s a trip

yeah it’s awesome

just like dirty we

always we always overdo

this video but it’s so good yeah

put on the zep

side one she’s got to see this shit yeah

check this shit out

go full screen

gonna be a guy

shooting himself no no

he’s gonna race that

no dj arctic lives with his granny

and then i live

with my mom and dad on the road and then yolandi lives

are they welsh

in south africans

for how long

forever yeah

for very long

since we were small

and you decided to do this why

is this recent

well dj i think makes

like he owns a

piece of computer

okay makes like next

level beats and

basically like i got some serious like

gangsta skillion

on the mark

are you rap yeah

are they being serious

oh fuck you here we

go yo dj hot deck

drop the motherfucking beatbox dog

bring that next level shit

talking about check it out

come on this is the trippiest

shit you’ve ever seen in your life it’s pretty awesome

these guys are the shit the person that made the

video knows what the fuck they’re doing

fuck yeah they do

it’s so hard this has to be a joke

no that’s not a joke

i met a badass band i met them they were on the

jimmy kimmel live

yeah they’re badass bands oh this is good

this is like some hipster

shit oh no are you kidding i love them

they’re fucking badass

they have a

bunch of badass songs yeah it’s a

tough accent

what kind of rap do you like you like all top

forty shit what

do you like i just like whatever’s on the

whatever’s on a hip hop station

right now i know

wow i just like

rap and hip hop

oh okay and

whatever is on

i only know

radio edits of songs i don’t know if there’s a

curse word i don’t know it

cause i listen

to the radio

that’s the only kind of

music you listen to really

in the car a lot

it’s an excuse like in the car

you can only get top

forty you never know who’s

listening and on my ipod i don’t like listening to it

unless i’m working

out so i only like fast songs i can work out to

like girl talk or something i don’t know

i’ve been hearing a lot of

girl talks good yeah

i’ve been hearing a lot of

people saying that podcast is the best for working out

nowadays because it’s like you’re not getting lost in

music and bored you know

i always stop and take it out and

switch it if it’s a bad song

ruins your workout i got

a lot of twitter messages from dudes who listen to us

when they’re doing

workouts and driving

too a lot of driving people see i cannot listen to

music i couldn’t listen to someone talk really

i’ve listened to a

bunch of lectures

and i’ve listened to a few podcasts

too i listened to a cool graham hancock podcast

a little bit recently

i was listening to that

while i was driving around

to be able to

focus off over the

sound of my

heart bursting out of my

chest while i run

so you can only listen to

music as i was saying yeah you

gotta get something to get me going

yeah i hear what you’re saying when

you’re working out yeah you know what else works that i

found this out two days ago i was at

the gym and they had the tvs attached to the treadmill

they were on the nature channel and i was

watching a cheetah

run down a gazelle

and they slowed it

down and i got so into it because you don’t know what’s

going to happen and i

found myself

going faster

watching this cheetah and it was

super animalistic and it got him in the end

and i was happy for him i felt bad for the antelope

well you know what

that antelope had to die eventually

yeah i think he’s

gonna live forever and cure cancer

you don’t know that i know those

antelopes they

never do shit

they just eat

they eat and poop

that’s all they do nothing gets done in the antelope

world just running around

running from cheetahs and shit all they do is just run

it was a rush oh that’s

did you see that

video that someone put online of

african hunters like

recent within the last 50 60 years like i believe the

video from the 60s

of hunting with spears

hunting elephants and

hippos with spears

dude it is a fucking

trick i don’t

wanna just the

hippos the most

dangerous animal

in the animal oh

yeah you know they’re giant pigs

i did not know that yeah they’re really

pigs yeah hippos are in the pig family

they’re giant fucking mean pigs that eat people

are they fucking is it

mass eye warriors of the videos of

i don’t know what the name of the warriors are

no they were wearing a merit like

they were wearing like

t shirts and

shit because we gave them to them probably yeah

yeah we gave

them to him in exchange for filming them fucking up

these hippos

ocean spears

if you want to find it good go to twitter com

joe rogan this

thing was recorded on

january 4th

and so i’m pretty sure i put it up on january 3rd

you should you should

check it out because it’s a trip it’s it’s so hard to

watch it’s really

freaky because they

it takes a long ass time to kill an elephant with

spears sure

that sounds awful yeah

they all like they all work together like the

whole tribal

work together to take down

these animals so they have like you know

literally thousands of people circling

these animals

when they’re choking them off

they make this big circle and then they

force the animals into the center and then they

spear him to

death i guess they got to eat

they got to eat

there’s no other way to do it yeah

they have they have no options

let me just go to the store

right i don’t

think we’ll just

do it why don’t you have electricity yet

you’re so stupid

it’s amazing that they really are

still living the way they

lived thousands of years ago

i went to africa

i’ve been a couple times and we went on a safari

and you get to like hang out

with the masai warriors and

like see how they live and like obviously you pay them

and they give you a tour and a little bit of it’s fake

but there’s

sanctions like in the

serengeti they can’t go around killing

lions and stuff so

they have to eat like normal like they can’t do it

you have to be a

super rural

tribe to do that

like a lot of them even though they live

in that land they’re not allowed to kill the animals

so the ones that are

super rural they are allowed to

there’s no one

like regulating that but like

closer to like

where like the capitals or wherever we were

where more tourists go

wow they’re not allowed to

there’s a great

story not a

great story but a fascinating

a terrible story okay

terrible story

there was a guy who was on

safari and he

was in a shower and two lions came in and killed him

and dragged him out of the shower

wow that is terrible

could you fucking imagine taking a shower

what you know what man he’s on some

safari on a hunting

safari you saw that

movie hangover

that’s new that

movie hangover when he walked into the

there was a

tiger in the bathroom

yeah it’s totally same

thing brian

totally what

you do is you just say hey what are you doing there

yeah and then they go and then

they got a briefing

com about hey

what are you doing there wow

that guy that’s the guy that has seen a lot of bears

that’s so funny

that was me

you would see dripping

from the piss coming out of my ankles

long before

the fucking bear

got to where he was i

would be raining i was peeing on that bears head

joe have you seen

these helmets that these

motorcycle jacket guys

wear nowadays like my friend he took off his helmet

and it had like this big

glass part over it

and then he just put it up

and then he had like this sunglass

thing that goes

you know comes down

it opens that up

and he’s just blaring his iphone

music and i’m like what is that the

whole thing is like a bluetooth

stereo cone like he says that he puts it

on oh my god

then what happens if he can’t hear fucking

he can’t hear

anything that’s not

it’s like he’s like being in tron

he’s like you’re just

that guy’s crazy that’s a helmet

yeah it’s a helmet he’s cutting out one of his

senses and took a

photo of it because it’s illegal

to have an ipod on or earphones on in your car right

so i can’t believe that

would be legal well

it doesn’t make any

sense because

first of all you have to wear a seatbelt but

fucking motorcycles don’t have a seatbelt

it’s impossible

i should check this

why that’s the

worst thing that

could happen if it’s

stuck on the bike is that

things rolling and

tumbling and is it

worse fuck yeah it’s

better if you can

slide if you can

you know lay the bike down you just skid

you know if you have the right

clothing on if you know how to ride a bike

maybe like a seado it

could be tethered to

you so you don’t lose it well you just

don’t want to get run over by your own bike and pinned

underneath it

smashed and have it fall on top you a

bunch of times

over and over yeah

down a hill

motorcycle accents

are some scary shit man

it’s like trying

and see the same bluetooth

thing that answer

calls turn up the volume oh god that’s so insane

take your hand off the fucking motorcycle

right handles

and press this

stupid button fiddle with it on the side of your head

guarantee you someone’s gonna die

because they’re trying to make a call this

fucking jesus shit

oh my god that’s a horrible idea

yeah that’s ridiculous

people are crazy

motherfuckers there has to be a trip though going like

120 miles an hour

while you’re blaring led zeppelin in your helmet

yeah high on it you’re

right if you survive it must be the shit

but i mean you gotta be a reckless motherfucker

you want to do that that’s like

only appeals to people with toxoplasma that’s like 100

toxoplasma activity what’s that

that’s that cat parasite thing

you ever heard of this

uh uh we talk

about it way too much in the podcast

i apologize everybody who has to hear this again

but there’s a

crazy cat parasite that affects

human beings and makes them more reckless

it makes them reckless it makes the

women more sexually

promiscuous

makes them more get it more polite get

it from cats but how do you get it people get it from

touching cat feces or being around

fields where cats and

something happens and they touch

the cat feces in a

field can she get it from eating cat feces yes

yeah she can get it

yeah definitely

and you have

especially a cat that shits outside

those are the cats that are dangerous

and this is what happens

a rat gets it

and it affects the

rat and what it makes the rat do is it makes the rat

sexually attracted to the

smell of cat piss

so the rats

start following

where the cats live

and want to be around the cats so that it

could easily get killed

and then they

would transfer

it to the cat and the cats transfer it to people

yeah and people transfer it back to rats do people take

it for recreation no

yes but here’s

where it gets

a huge whore

yeah well for

women it makes

you do that and for men it makes you much more

aggressive and reckless

and it’s they say it slows your reaction time down to

so it’s just like a bunch of

juice heads and hookers so it’s like a

miami nightclub

it’s like brazil

brazil is 66

infected with toxoplasma

very good looking like

literally and yeah

love to falk and love to fight

it literally

defines the

culture i don’t

know if they were doing that anyway this is a

thing that’s been around for a long time that means

every latin culture

yeah it does

well that’s one of the

things it’s connected to

places where people have a lot of wild cats

wow yeah it’s directly connected and it is an incurable

parasite that changes

human behavior

and it’s a fact it’s not a conspiracy theory this is a

legitimate mainstream fact

this is my problem with

it so strange

i know people that don’t have that act that way

but their parents

might have so it could be a

learned behavior

after people

that have it there’s a lot of can you pass it

to your kids

it’s a good question i don’t know

i don’t know if you can pass it to your kids i

think somehow or another they

would have to get cat shit if you wanted

your kid to make the football team

well i don’t know if

it works that way but one of the

things they

found out within

men was that there was

a disproportionate amount of people

like when they had

soccer teams that

would compete in the world cup

the teams that made it to the finals

all had high rates of toxoplasma in

their countries

and they think that this the recklessness

of this bacteria

like what it does it makes you like disregard like

your safety and do reckless shit

like a disproportionate number of people who

crash it on

motorcycles

are infected with toxoplasma

and so they connect it

to they connected it to

successful soccer teams and there’s like a real debate

about this that it may be one of the reasons why

these teams are so

successful at soccer they’re so

aggressive and crazy

is because they’re infected by toxoplasma

because a lot of them

a lot of athletes

from brazil a lot of athletes from a lot of

south american

countries any

poor area would

have a lot of people in the

south 50 million

americans are infected with it wow yeah it’s pretty

crazy it’s like herpes

what’s like an alien

it’s like an

alien that’s rewiring our

brains that’s awesome it’s fucking crazy

talk so plasma

pretty soon we’re gonna

start making pyramids watch

that’s what it is just imagine

it was like some kind of

thing that gets you

all well if there’s a new parasite

you know i mean parasites evolve

right if you believe in

evolution you believe they

weren’t exactly this way the

whole time they became what they are now

everything became what it is now it

evolved from something to something else

some new parasite that

evolves i mean

hiv right when remember when aids came around there

was something that came and there was some new shit it

used to be fun yeah

you hear about

that guy that got cured with aids you got

these stem cells

these stem cells and they cured his hiv it

disappeared

where where

where america’s

the jamba juice

they did a live demonstration

who is he and how come this isn’t in the news

it is yeah it isn’t it isn’t what didn’t happen

it’s really recent like a

month ago yeah

three weeks ago

yeah he’s actually been cured of hiv

did he pay for this treatment

i don’t know

i don’t know

the details on it but it’s pretty much been

accepted that

they figured out how it’s lacking

on your aids research somebody told me recently there’s

a cure for cancer and it’s in mexico at a clinic yeah

they give you weed

what isn’t yeah there’s some

things that

they’re willing to do in mexico that probably work

there’s a lot of people that have said that

blood transfusions like full

blood transfusions and

other treatments they do to

blood it’s a

bunch of different

treatments that they’re willing to do in mexico i

think i’d be willing to die

before i’d be willing to let a mexican doctor with no

sterilization put a needle in me

i know dudes have gone to mexico for surgery

came back as

women fighters

no mma fighters there

they’re cheap are you friends with a bunch of mma

fighters like i know that your some of them yeah yeah

train yeah train yeah

how do they feel

about getting hit in the face so much

well the smart ones know that it’s just you gotta

limit the amount

of times you get hit it’s very important to use defense

first and be very

smart about

but you know they also know that there’s some fights

where just get nailed you know

just what you

think you’re talking

about about football

earlier i mean

i don’t think

like octagon fighting

and all that

stuff has been

around or as popular as long as football so

are they gonna be the same as football players

like are they

gonna end up with pegas

season depends on

their style

depends on when

they get out depends on how much punishment they take

at the end of

their career

because the end of the career is

where guys get

really beat up that’s what happened with muhammad ali

happens with a lot of fighters

their reaction time slows they don’t know

when to get out of the game and then they take some

fights that they probably shouldn’t take and then

they get some serious

injuries and they don’t know when to quit and they keep

going those are the guys

that wind up in real big

trouble in my opinion

is it lou gehrig’s disease

doesn’t mean it’s innate and it just

triggers later

you can no lou

gehrig’s disease can

be triggered

later it can be

something that just happens to you but it also can be

trauma induced

okay so it can be

you know there’s a

bunch of different ways like stephen

hawkings has

lou gehrig’s disease

right i don’t

think that he was

he might have been

he might have played soccer or something like that he’s

a huge mma fighter

before he found the books before he

found yeah all that

studying but

what happens is when guys get

a lot of repeated

brain injuries

their brains start

producing like defective proteins

and they’re literally

their body just like eventually just shuts down

and just stops working it

starts like

misfiring left and

right you could

see it gets just really really creepy how come when i

watch mma fighting

they look like they take

breaks simultaneously like when they’re like in

those headlock it looks like they’re

almost taking a rest is that like a code like i’m

gonna take a

two second breather

right now you two

don’t hit me

while i’m doing this well if you’re

tired and you

sense that the

other guy’s

tired and he’s not moving you

might do that you

might take a little

break then wouldn’t it as a

as a killer

wouldn’t be like that was when we go not hug

yes but you

might be willing

to forego that just for a couple

seconds of recovery if you

think you’re

gonna make another big explosion

right you met something timed out

you know you’re like alright there’s a

minute and a half left in this

round i’m taking this

motherfucker down

but right now i’m

gonna take a little

break a little break

do they ever talk to each other

sometimes they talk shit

so hungry oh

sometimes the one time the

weirdest one

was this dude war machine was

fighting this guy j rock

and j rock and

war machine became really good friends on the

ultimate fighter

and then they had to

fight each other

i mean really good friends and it was a fucking war

a bloody horrible war

where they were talking to each other

while i was

going like fuck man that fucking hurt

like yeah sorry dude

like saying shit like that

while they’re

fighting it was really

crazy and it’s a mind fuck and yeah

and then at the end when it was all over they were

super emotional and crying and hugging each

other it was it was hockey players

they fight each

other i mean

i guess i don’t

think it was like this not

like 15 fucking minutes of beating the shit out of each

other is not the same

thing those hockey

fights they can’t get that traction

you know and it was it was a vicious

fight in an

ended with a brutal

tko and it’s like crazy like

it was also

charged with emotion yeah

you know then when he when

i interviewed him

after the fight was over he’s crying and talking

about how hard it was and what they were saying to each

other why they were in there and i was like whoa

that’s got all

that’s amazing you know

especially if

it was like a thousand years ago you had to kill him

yeah right yeah

that’s what happened

right that’s what they used

to make them do in

those fucking

those roman cunts

it’s us 500

years from now

the new room

i think america’s just like rome

it’s crazy decline

sort of same

build up same decline lap

bands that was the beginning of the end the lap band

you fucking fat cunt stop eating

just get your shit together

you have to be 50

pounds overweight do you

think they give

it to you if you were like you want to lose 10 pounds

no i thought

about that i’ve

got like some problem areas and i was like

maybe we should get a lap band

like a small one you

i guarantee you’re not the

first person to think this

dude a lot of girls will actually i

would not get

the talk about that though

that’s just a joke i know

no no but girls do talk

about that yeah i

dated girls that actually talk

about that shit all the time like i

might go in

with the suction

there’s a girl that i

dated a long time ago whose best friend got the

light bow and she did not need the lipo

she did not

need the lipo she just needed to work out a little bit

the girl that just didn’t work out

at all a lot of girls

do that just

and she got ruined man they lumped her up

well doesn’t it

i could be wrong about this

after they do don’t you kind of have no control over

where you made how they do it they do it

don’t you have

no control over

where your fat cells grow back i don’t know they’re

kind of replacing one problem here with another yeah

so you could get huge fat arms or no butt

got a no butt or huge butt or huge butt

right like a spider butt

you know spiders have huge

yeah don’t let

him do that don’t let him suck fat out of

your people most if you’re willing to turn to that like

i can understand if you’re

older and it’s a serious problem

you’ve been struggling all your life but if you’re

some like 21 year old girl that works at like hooters

just hit the gym for

an hour you know i was

watching this

thing online

about these two french brothers who are twins

who became plastic surgery junkies

and they’re deformed now have you seen

those can we

see a picture

yeah pull it up

brian french

famous twins plastic surgery nightmare

just write french

famous twins

plastic surgery nightmare

they were stars of some

television show

you know i guess back in the 80s or so

and now they’re like 50

and they look like

monsters they look like

monsters like

these poor guys

like they’ve got some sort of a

psychological defect

shouldn’t it be a boda

they’re kind of like the cat people yeah that woman

exactly they have all sorts of

facial implants and they have all sorts of fillers in

their face and

their heads are deformed it’s so uber

and that’s what

they used to look like oh they look he’s

fired before

yeah he’s a little

weird looking but not like he is now

looks like that mask from

screen exactly yeah it looks like

the kid from mask that movie mask

they both have pouty lips before and after

you know what it’s not that

given how they looked before

looks like that beverly hill show too

that one bitch that has the crazy lip

it’s like you know

housewives yeah

house she’s a

very large mouth anyway though yeah but she’s got

crafty shit going on with her lips

somebody should have told her like hey

you know it

doesn’t make you look any better i don’t

think anyone

intends for it to look like that though really

the problem i

think when you do that is your face has

whether you’re

symmetrical

or not your face has a certain symmetry to it

anything you do

to any part of it

you have to

balance out the rest and the more you try to balance it

the worse it gets well there’s a mathematical principle

to it it’s called the

fibonacci sequence

and that works on faces like it’s like

when someone

gets a nose job you’re like what the fuck is

going on with your head

yeah it looks

like your nose

is supposed

to be this big this is the way you know there’s a

grand design for it makes more

sense that way

there’s that one show i can’t

watch it cause it

upsets me britoplasty no

i haven’t seen it

it’s addicting you like it what is it explain it to me

they go through

they go through challenges

each girl is

engaged and i don’t know who’s

marrying these

crazy people

i don’t know who would but

each girl is

engaged and they do different challenges in

order to win

plastic surgery procedures

all leading up to your big day and you can win bouquet

you can win nose jobs

lipo whatever you want

so basically your husband’s marrying a

crazy doll that looks nothing like you oh my god

that remember that show on fox

where they used to work em the swan

yes oh my god that was insane i thought

those people were really

awful looking

yeah they were

but i mean fuck you know you’re getting them on a

slippery slope

with some people there was good shit like to fix their

teeth and you

know you don’t get to be manager at the at t

store if you don’t look your best really

when you look good you get to be

manager that’s when it happens that’s when it goes down

what if you’re at the eighteen

store how do you how do you

explain to people that the iphone

just fucking drops off

everywhere what

would you say

what would i say

if you were working the at

t store hmm

well i have no idea

i never really thought

about it i would probably say

it’s i mean

i don’t know

but you think

we’re adding

towers all the time why are you asking me this

we’re adding towers

all the time if you went to the att

store and there was like a sexy woman

that was talking to you

and telling you and trying to calm you down from the

issue do you

think you’d be more likely to just let it go

i don’t know

do you think you

would get smitten

i think you

would i think

i was like laughing

yep the guy were hot i’d be like

yeah i don’t want you to

think i’m crazy

really you would do that

so there was like some fucking handsome

clark kent looking

motherfucker

you would be

more willing to listen to

their corporate bullshit

about why your

phone keeps

dropping i’d let him beat me if he were hot enough

really just a

light beating choking

just so like

a light throttling

half throttle yeah let’s play a game called fake rape

some girls like that

i’m just now thinking

mostly on order

svu episodes are about

there’s a guy in oklahoma

that got arrested recently because he shot his wife

or his girlfriend

that it was some sort of a

sex thing like he

would hold the gun up to her head

while he was

banging her

oh and it accidentally went off

because he thought it was blanks

no because you accidentally shot her in the head

yeah well maybe

she said something

stupid he just came ugh

bang fuck you

that’s a tough

case and then called the cops and said it was a mistake

again this man is

stupid and there’s no

place for him in society

if you’re willing to put a loaded gun to someone’s head

while you have sex with them

don’t knock it till you try it girl yeah you never know

some people

are gangster

shit do that

while scarface is playing in the

background damn

that’s some people like to live on the edge you know

i mean i don’t have to

go to jail for that it wasn’t it was an accident

yeah he goes to jail for being retarded

he has to go to jail that’s

where he belong

yeah you shoot somebody in the head

you gotta go to jail

yeah there’s not many circumstances

where it’s okay well yeah

totally if they

could prove that he came

after he shot her then he

definitely goes to jail they can

yeah they can

yeah no they can carbon

dating of semen

carbing taste it it

does with it there’s a

semen taster

it’s a horrible job but it has

great benefits

this load was shot into a dead man

lot of pineapple

guy bends down on his knees he’s

touching his fingers to it

no one’s talking they’re waiting for the results

he’s a dead guy he was dead

he was dead when the guy ejaculated into him

was that cat poop disease

toxoplansma taste it

would it funny if i

could have thought of the name of the disease

versus asking you

acting out tasting semen

be careful with your dog i’m telling you

don’t let him get that talk so plasma

she doesn’t go outside to her rather

she doesn’t she really hard she was outside

just make sure she’s not around

other people’s cats to go outside no

yeah actually you know what what she is now i think

about it not good

where in the garage

don’t tell me what part of the

country is it but are there rats there i

here here are there rats

in your neighborhood no rats no

i got rats oh but there are cats

maybe they took care of rats

maybe the rats are there no

this rats everywhere not just belarus what’s

gonna happen to her

she’s probably gonna start fucking you in your sleep

oh she’s more of an affection love hug kind of

dog once in a great

while if i don’t let her out to pee she’ll get

excited and

start to hump my arm really let me out

now oh so tell you that she has to pee once a

month if i like really push it and don’t let her out

because i’m doing something how strange

she does it to like like she gets so

excited and worked up and we

and then she’ll just be like

how do you work out when you go on the road with her

i don’t work out on the road

that is no no that’s not what i mean oh

how do you work it out like when you go on the road

take it with you right

i got her cause i was on the road so much

was like i need

i need something

i need companions so i got her and she is she

travels with you on a

plane she’s like this she’s

silent that’s

awesome and i

bring her on

travel bring her on

stage for the one bit

on stage one bit

and then she sits in the room with the

other comics and

oh that’s cool and she’s a really good girl

that’s nice

you got a cool

little friend

i really like that she

could have been

crazy and when you

bring her on a

plane you just put

her in between your seat is that how you do it put her

where my feet go

what if people are allergic to dogs that around you

fuck them she said

i pay for her

sometimes i sneaker on

but for the most part i pay for her

and if you’re allergic

you’ll have to

sneak her on

my bag that i have for her looks like a duffel bag

it’s got a mesh side like she can breathe

i’ll throw my coat over and just walk on

the people that

check your ticket

are not the same as the people at security and nor are

the same people at the gate i figure that out

so you just walk on wow

that’s awesome so if you don’t do that

then what do you have to do pay a hundred bucks yeah

or a hundred it depends

150 there are

the scheme eliza

you know it’s a

great scheme when i

moved out here i had

to move my cats out and they lost my cats for like two

hours like they didn’t let me have it with me

i had to put it into like

under the thing yeah

under the thing

i would never

do that ever again

and then i was

thinking about

traveling or

bring my dog to ohio when i went back and

besides it being so expensive

the vet told

me that it’s really bad for the dogs the air pressure

under the thing

under or in the cabin

under the thing

i bet yeah i bet it’s cold too yeah

yeah but it’s cold on the

floor where she goes up

it’s probably really cold down there

you know there’s that creepy feeling when you get

close to the

window and you realize how cold it is out there yeah

coming back from canada

was a trip because we were we were almost stranded

we came so close to being stranded

the snow was just

starting to

start a blizzard was hitting as

recently yeah

yeah and if we had been an hour

later we would have been stuck

in canada for days i’m sure

no this was a

different one this is a recent one is montreal montreal

it’s beautiful city

canada canada’s the most amazing country it’s gorgeous

and canadians

are really nice

they’re very nice and

super masculine

not faggy at all nice

so canadians out there just

wanna let you know oh no we’re done

i’m just saying no more

we’re done with

what happened

but he’s just giving you they do say she’s giving you a

thumbs up on your product big

thumbs up i

think it’s always easy to make fun of canada but

great country

nice people

very friendly

yeah but it’s not easy to make fun of canada

it’s easy to make fun of how fucking

cold it is in some spots but like

you know as far as like the people there

they’re super nice

some of the nicest fucking people ever

then they live above

this country filled with homicidal maniacs

you know they live

above michigan

yeah how about that

dude did you see those

photos that’s like living

above mexico

do you see those

photos of michigan was

it you that posted it

that shit scary like

michigan decline of michigan and

photos it’s

it’s on joe’s twitter

amazing photos somebody

tweeted it i reach it

it’s all these

photos of like ancient

buildings and

you know been around michigan

since like the 17 1800s all fallen

apart and abandoned now because

economy has fallen

apart like abandoned

library filled with books abandoned

police headquartered with all the

photos that’s like

you’re just

michigan in general

i think it was all detroit

detroit is like a ghost town

i was actually

in this is not i was in

upper michigan recently

second time in a year i’m not bragging

workers yeah

you don’t give a fuck i don’t give a fuck

travel up to

northern michigan

it’s such another

world up there

it looked if you took a

picture and took out the cars you

wouldn’t be able to tell me what decade it was yeah i

agree i went

to all of that

once for i did a college in all of that michigan

you know where all of that is

to middle of nowhere they gave me terrible directions

to drive there

there’s no gps

back then this is back in the golden days of comedy

and i had to

drive to this fucking college and

stand on top of two

there were like

cafeteria tables that was the stand

and one of them had a mic on one end and

a speaker on the other end

and there was another

speaker that was on the other

table and i can go back and forth in between the two

tables if i paid attention

if i didn’t step on a crack and

punch through

i’m not kidding give me

that comic the fucking most

ridiculous thing ever and then

there’s no opening

act of course it’s just me so i go on

stage and immediately

start getting heckled

and they’re

all football players it’s a football college

so it’s like all

these animals well i

start to like give

these guys shit they’re like it was good natured

heckling you know

a lot of faggot

talk and stuff like that

so i go to the guy

whatever i said

i made fun of him and

the guy who ran the college came up to me and said

i just want to let you know we are not

allowing swears

you’re not allowed to

swear i’m under attack i was like this is ridiculous

these guys are allowed to swear you fucking faggot

you’re allowed to yell out you fucking faggot

at me and so then i turned it around and said something

about you guys are old enough to go to war

you’re old enough to die for your country

right but this guy right here says that i can’t

swear in front of you

cause somehow i know that you can’t handle

and then they go fuck this guy

and then i get fucking

crazy and i was joking around but i go let’s fucking

trash this place

and a bunch of dudes

screamed and one dude stood up and picked up a chair

and then the guy came up to the

table and he goes listen listen listen

do whatever you want we’ll deal with the consequences

later you perform your normal act as you normally do

and i’m like oh see i can

swear now we can swear calm down everybody calm down

but they were like ready to fight

are you kidding

or did you really want to i was half kidding

but i was like really instigating that’s amazing

i was really instigating because you know they were

bored and they

were in the middle of nowhere and this guy was

annoying as fuck

and i was going look you know i just came here to

entertain you guys do you know what you’re

happy about

that was the

thing they used to sell you they’ll sell you to anyone

this is like

barry katz’s agency it was new york

entertainment and they

would just fucking sell you

whoever they

could sell you to without

any colleges they

would just sell you to and then they

would deal with it once you get there

and i did a naka show and they got to see that i was

dirty and like everybody had

you know they said well if you do

you know naka

and they know that you’re

dirty then it’ll

limit the amount

of colleges that you go to but i was like i can’t

make a fake

second act you know and just to do it to do colleges

so they knew i was

dirty so somehow another got sold to this

college that didn’t know

but they were the most

savage of all the colleges

i’ve ever done ever and they didn’t want me

swear it’s just the one guy it’s not the college i

think it was

their policy because they had all

these fucking animals living in the middle of michigan

they wanted

to keep them

keep them calm keep them calm

i did no need for

swears so many colleges the

other last year

and the thing

about colleges is

like if comedy club you can go

you can see what this you can ask your friends with the

stages like some colleges

you have no clue what it’s

gonna be like you don’t know if you’re

gonna be at a theater

an amphitheater

outside in the parking lot a cafeteria you don’t know

and you get there and you just hope it’s

gonna be decent

yeah i did a college recently in canada

it was weird

hadn’t done one in a long time and it was like

adults and college kids mixing together it’s always

weird when they

like come wandering in yeah from the community yeah you

could be 18

or you know you can

eighteen and

above it was fine

but it was it’s

very strange because a lot of college people you know

you forget when you’re

you know thirty years old you’re

forty years old or whatever you know if you

lived all this life

these kids haven’t

lived at all it’s

tricky cause you can’t talk

about dating as you

would normally or

jobs yeah or sex

cause it’s just not

they don’t know that yet some do

but you’re dealing with

a huge percentage that don’t i mean there’s hip kids in

every level of high

school and every

level of college

that would make

great audience

members in any comedy club there’s kids that are 14

that get it such a small

percentage yes you’re

right such a

small percentage but in college man

you’d be surprised that the number

from fourteen to

college is not that different no they’re a lot of them

the same they’re like little kids yeah some of them are

hip so know what’s

going on the

world some of them

you know no but and nothing they like to

do at colleges is they like to go pc on you and fucking

point out when you’re being

racist or point out

when you being sexist

you know what i

think they’re smarter

i enjoy college shows because it gives me a chance

you’re not placating joe public

these are kids that are very

close to the realm of academia

that will get a

reference that will get something

about school or

and they were they’re so closer they remember it

right right and it’s a nice exercise

yeah i think it’s because it’s easy to get a question

in the middle of nowhere and you get a

bunch of like

i don’t want to try not to offend anyone but like

normal guys at this is like this is

they’re doing on friday

night they’re

gonna get drunk see the comedian

and go fuck

it’s a little bit easier

it’s a cakewalk

well they’re trying to have fun too i was trying to

have fun just trying to have a good time

there’s something to be said for that i know a lot of

idiots that are a lot of fun to hang out with

and they don’t want to

think about the

world fucking wikileaks but you know

we have a jacket

have a jack and coke with them we get a couple

pounds in give each

other a few high fives in

their good company

you know there’s a lot of people that aren’t very deep

thinkers that i

enjoy hanging around with but

i don’t know what you’re saying there’s a wedding ring

brian shut the fuck up

don’t get it he’s a mess how dare you

see it’s a wedding ring he’s making

a wedding ring out of the core no i get it but why

because he’s just

brian that was what he does he’s

playing off what you were just talking about

and i was acting like i was a dummy oh

so marriage

have you ever seen the wonderful

whites of west virginia

it’s a must

see is it a

show i will give you a copy of the dvd as you

leave is it a

movie is a documentary on this family that lives in

west virginia

it is one of the craziest fucking

things you’ve ever

seen in your life this wild family that just snorts

oxycontinson

goes in and out of jail

i would love

to i have to

watch that oh you have to i

just skip everything i’m doing tonight and

watch that fabulous

it’s fabulous they are they are and

don’t skip the behind the

scenes interviews too

cause the long in

depth interviews with each of the

people that they do the show with are fucking fabulous

as well i put on my ipod and listen to all workout

fuck yeah i’m sure you

could buy it on itunes

and listen to on ipod i’m bob guarantee you it’s just

genius though man it’s just this family is just

completely totally insane

and they live in west virginia they’re just

just like ancestors

after ancestor

generation after

generation fuck criminals

just criminals

just straight criminals i mean they’re just crazy

and they’re all like

famous in that town for being nuts are

you being nuts

yeah so they

interview all like different sheriffs and all

these different townsfolk and all

these different

people that know them and they all say the same

thing these people are

just crazy and

wild and good for nothing and none of them

gonna amount to nothing

this one old lady she goes

they go what do you want

what do you

want to happen when you die she goes when i die

fucking i want you to blow weed

smoke in my face

snort pills off my head

let’s have a fucking party

it’s uncomfortable when old people talk that way

i don’t know man it’s

pretty fucking awesome i wanted to hang out with her

i wanted to go

drinking with her that’s not the way

that’s all i thought of when she said that

when she said

how you gonna die i want to boast weeds monk in the

face little lady yes

snort pills off my head i’m like i want to fucking

hang out with this lady do you ever see that awful

mas road house

it’s like a terrible

fake reality show

but the gravel

is like that

it’s a horrible

fake reality show called ma’s roadhouse on like

tlc or something no it’s better it’s on true tv

true tv true tv what is true tv

it’s a network it’s a network that

sounds like it’s real

but everything on it is like the

fake reality show but

everything is so shitty on there it’s like this bar in

dallas but the mom

she talks like

this i don’t give a fuck and she’s like this old lady

and it’s scripted but she

still like that

all those scripted reality

shows they’re fucking up man you just need to follow

those people like they did with this show

yeah with the

whites of west virginia there’s no

scripted reality man they just followed him for a year

and in a year they got just gold gold gold

if they all died at the end

no you want to keep them

alive and come up with a part two

and make it 3d

yeah 3d what

would happen

3d rednecks how

would they use it

throw me my

school over here

cherry flavor you gotta

watch it’s pretty fun i want

a copy of that

johnny knoxville produced it

apparently he found out

about it and had to be a part of this he just had to

let people know i saw him the other day did you really

what did you think you

think well johnny i don’t wanna say anything to him

do you think you want him inside yeah no

he didn’t look healthy

really i can’t

imagine someone that does that for a living

would look healthy

that dude got fucked up by that bull did you

see that shit yeah

that is ridiculous i can’t believe you did that

so crazy yeah he’s crazy

they’re all

crazy they’re so

crazy i mean so

crazy you easily

could have died from that

from anything they do yeah the bulldo

fucking a man yeah

bull you gonna

hit you when you cut your goddamn

blindfold on

shit man you’re a

movie star do you know your movies

i know you want to be

legit but fuck man i

mean how many bones has he broken in this entire course

of they do it

would that help

like in general

does that help

yeah probably make numb

you or make

would you rather take a beating

drunk fuck yeah you’re numb

when you’re

drunk i guess

man i think maybe

if i was sober i

might be able to

move a little bit better and avoid

some of the

punishment i’d rather be sober

but you’re gonna take a beating that’s why you’re not

gonna do much to

fight off a bull

that’s why a lot of

the people in the titanic

survived because they were

drunk too they were

warm really

they’re warm

what the fuck are

you talking about that

water kills you almost instantly

you’re making people survive that

dude only the people that didn’t go in the

water no no

no no boats no people in the

water survived

i don’t know

about time yeah

really that’s why

drunk drivers

are the ones to survive because there’s so much more

relaxed we should look that up because

i’m pretty sure that was even a premise in the movie

was that leonardo dicaprio died because he was in the

water and he left

her on that shit face

yeah that’s what it was you fucking

queer you should have had a shot

you shouldn’t have

snub me at the back

you shouldn’t have

snubbed me at the

bio you still be

alive you quit

did you know like 98

of the women survived the

titanic because

women were allowed

on the lifeboat yeah kids duh

sorry that was rude duh

well i mean you

think like a

lot of people died like you didn’t know that like did

you see that

cruise ship in antarctica that got fucked up last week

did you see that

it got hit by a 35 foot wave and it

smashed the window of the boat and leaked all over the

electronics

so the electronics all

shorted out and they couldn’t

drive the boat

no one’s eye poked

they hadn’t

there’s no lights we’re fucked

they had no

power and they had to

creep in on

some sort of

a backup engine or whatever the fuck they had to do but

they had a creep in

they have the

video of this boat getting hit by waves

fucking terrifying

it’s like a cork

in a jacuzzi

yeah bobbin

just completely out of control

i did a semester at sea

last year of college

and so it’s a giant

it’s an old

cruise ship

that they’ve converted it’s like they

strip it down and

it’s a college

basically and you go around the

world what and it’s

crazy oh it’s

a program it’s called semester at sea and

our ship was the

ss universe

holy shit so you

lived in a boat for a year no no for six

four months four to five

months i think and

so you went to all

these crazy

countries and you’re on

you know you’re

crossing these huge

oceans for like days at a time

but the group that went

after us like there’s a certain

degree that your boat can’t go

unless it’ll capsize and they have footage

they were on the news they were caught like the storm

and there’s footage of all the kids books just sliding

and they were like one degree off from capsizing

there’s like 600 kids on this thing

oh my they were this

close ours was fine

but i was seasick

for most of that wow

yeah brian pull that

video up see if you can find it

it was on my twitter but it’s a

cruise ship antarctica

hit by monster waves

but there’s

when they were

trying to rescue people off the boat they got

video of it like one another ball

came in close

no no nobody’s nobody

screaming or anything like that there’s no one’s

got a bullet hole in

their head wave

cruise ship wave antarctica put in antarctica

and it’d be really recent it’s a december article

or december video

it’s fucking tripping

it’s so terrifying this big

fucking boat is just

bobbing back and forth it makes you realize like

you’re dealing with

you know like

you’re insanely deep

water there

buenos aires

a large wave

slammed into an antarctic

cruise ship with

88 american passengers and 77

crew members

aboard that the ship’s crew overcame

minor damage and was heading safely back to its

scheduled port on wednesday

the vessel’s operator said

the kul the air 2

declared an emergency on tuesday

reporting it had suffered engine damage amid

heavy season 55

miles per hour 90 kph

winds when it was

northeast of the

south shetland islands and about 500

miles 845 km

from ushuaia

the argentine navy said in a statement

the international association of antarctica

tor operators

issued statement

saying the wave that hitler

called the a2 corps the broken bridge

window and some

electrical malfunction you guys

voice give me a

seizure knockout

some communications and

kill this guy

with engine

performance

anyway you get

to see the norwegian

stephen hawking

you don’t need to

hear that guy

how crazy is that imagine

that that’s terrifying eating that boat oh my god

look how far it goes up

you know what

those waves are so huge

it’s so scary

and that’s nothing there’s been waves higher than that

there was a wave that hit alaska

someone was just telling me about this

and it was in

i believe it was in the 1950s

some fucking wave i

should look this up

some wave that was

1 000 feet high

something fell like

a shelf like a volcanic shelf or

something off a mountain fell into the water

caused this

monster wave that popped up from it

and everything from a thousand feet down in this area

where it hit is just dead

there’s nothing there trees gone

everything gone

a thousand feet of water

wrap your head around that shit man

can’t impossible

couldn’t tell

what a thousand

feet looks like sorry

if you like to hear how i can’t

quantify things

these are fucked up

video online we talked

about this on the podcast before

these kids at nine hundred feet above

this these russian kids are walking on

these beams

nine hundred feet

above this forest

i can’t even look at shit like that

i look at anything

where like when i was doing fear factor and we’d be on

buildings and people

would have to like do some

crazy fucking

stunt where they had to like walk across some beam

or rope or something like that across two buildings

just looking over the edge your whole body

just angles

i may have a normal height i know yeah normal not not a

crazy one where i

start it’s hard

hyperventilating but my body just

everything is telling me get the fuck away from the

ledge unless you need the

money yeah well

unless you know you’re in a harness and all that

other good stuff

yeah obviously when i’m

standing there

directing the show there’s no harness on me obviously

what the fuck are we talking

about at the actual

show nothing

basically the end of this show

has reached

yes because

we run out of steam

about two hours in

it’s hot as fucking here too is it that’s just you

yeah you’re hot together

i think it’s chemistry

i smell it it’s in the air

what it’s my britney

spears perfume is that what it is

do you wear britney

spears perfume

do you that’s kind of cool

do you wear it to be

ironic or do you like the way it’s no i love the way it

smells really i don’t give a fuck what does it

smell like have you had to describe it

actually it

smells kind of like a lotion like a

like a oh the lotion cinnamon lotion

britney spears is like a vanilla

fruity like

clean stripper

you know that perfume angel

yeah that’s

gross right

so it was on one of my shelves

from like a

long time ago somebody left it there what is angel

it’s a perfumular

angel every

woman’s worn it at some

point in her life

it’s a blue star is it like the female version of jakar

yes but it’s in the star and it’s not like one of

those bottles that

stand up it’s like the most retarded

shaped bottle

ever anyways i went to go grab something off the

shelf in my bathroom

and i didn’t even know it was there and i

fell down and

broke in my bathroom

my fucking house

smells like my

grandmother times a thousand it’s

awful it’s just

odd smell it

won’t go away it’s so gay it’s horrible

all perfumes creepy yeah

i like one spray

a passion of mine like

it’s my mma

i love perfume and

smells and lotions

wow girls are so strange i like

smells i smell good

at all times that’s a

texas thing too though

texas women know how to be

women you know how to girl it up

yeah they know how to girly it up you know

sound like wyoming

women take a hit

there are no

women in wyoming there’s a

few there’s a

few there’s a few there’s

three coyotes

some mountain lions and shit one the mare

this mountain lions and shit but the

grapefruit i think is

not an aphrodisiac but men are attracted to the

smell of grapefruit

really and i

think vanilla too but

grapefruit’s the one that does it

but just doesn’t have grapefruit

in it do you like perfume when girls wear perfume brine

yeah but there’s a certain kind

how great is my hair smell

yes that’s good i don’t like the perfumey

perfumey you know

like three kinds of perfume

right now i like

what you are

oil is a hairbrush

a hair perfume and then i have perfume it’s like my own

thing and i do it even if i’m

gonna be by myself all day

whoa i love

smell good smell

right here don’t be like

don’t be weird

that’s good

that’s very

mellow it’s

not flowery it

smells like food

okay so you’re

true like a

baker and connoisseur

you know i’m not fucking around yeah i know you do

very seriously so when you

smell a stinky girl

that’s like over perfume and is that offensive to you

no i just don’t want to be her

you don’t wanna be here

you feel bad for her no

cause everybody’s body chemistry works with different

smells right like it just depends on who you are

some that you

could love the way it

smells in the bottle and then on you it either

doesn’t last or

smells bad so it just depends

the only thing i ever do is i put on deodorant so

other people don’t get offended

that’s it you

should yeah i

should get you a bottle

of timberlakes

timberlakes is actually pretty good because it was

that no what

is that justin timberlakes and timberlakes is

that i wear cologne

yeah i’m not wearing

anything you know what does

work just missed

i put some shit in my

underarms and that

smells so good as a girl

chocolate one

i went to college with this kid who was repugnant by

every definition

and he was an

awful person

and he was fat and he was

gross and he

sweated a lot

but when he

swell he would come we’d have

these meetings for this

comic troopers

and when he

would come to the meetings

and i hated this kid i

would find myself

scooting closer

because he would wear

axe whoa yeah

they have one

that’s called chocolate paradise i’d recommend it i

think you’re a freak

how about that it

smells i think you’re afraid

an amazing chance of

smelling it

that’s it it’s very rare i don’t

think i wouldn’t

touch him i

understand what you’re saying

but i don’t

think dudes should

plan for someone like you no i

think it’s a very rare

attraction to

smells you have

very rare do you get

super offended when dudes fart

like a friend

or like a boy that i boyfriend like a boy that you like

every boyfriend i’ve had

has not done it in

front of me are you

serious why

has not because he knows about your

no i’m just like

they’re super courteous

about it i’m not even like the last one we

dated for a year he’d always leave

never hot boxed you

no no one would ever do that to me that i was

serious i wouldn’t date the kind of guy that

would do that

brian you’re off the list

brian’s a hot boxer

from the 80s

he was hot boxing

before it even had a name

back when it was in oven

actually i have a bit

about that how

awful it is

every time i

get in a relationship like this last girl i

dated from texas

from houston

we had like

a good relationship and then she

started doing

these little

things that made it not romantic anymore one of the

things she’s like

she seriously blew a fart on me and goes do you

want breakfast in bed and she goes there’s your eggs

bitch and she blew

a fart on me and i’m like

really that really

did happen that really did

happen you do it in your ass yeah i did that in my eye

and that’s true

that just kills

a relationship girls don’t ever look at it dude

that’s almost

throwing up

if you fart i’ve done

that for sure

i’ve farted on accident and it’s like i’m

sorry there’s

things that happen

but deliberately

suffocate someone right

that’s gross she

how rude yeah is

brian how rude

so that houston girls man they’re

dirty dirty

part of my state

find some good ones there’s

everywhere fellow

you just attract a certain type

i did you gotta do something

about that you

gotta do something

about that don’t be blaming texas

well be blaming houston

four years has been texas

you can figure it out bro you can get better

it’s over would you do that to your wife

no no way you guys who don’t fart in

front of each

other you could

fart on you

wouldn’t dent to

it yeah you

wouldn’t be like hey come here bitch

no no i don’t know anyone who wants to

smell my farts my farts are horrible

there’s no need for that

no one’s farts are okay by the way

someone’s farts my little

daughter’s farts aren’t that do you like your own farts

she doesn’t eat

much she’s a little girl she eats a lot you’d be amazed

her logs she

drops logs that look like a dog shit in the

potty i see

these logs i’m like

there’s no way and now she calls it logs i told you

it’s because it’s your

daughter yeah

but they’re huge

logs if you didn’t know her you’d be like that’s awful

if i didn’t know

yeah yeah of

course i have to pick this

the thing is the potties are

ridiculous because what it is is a little

plastic bucket on the bottom that your baby shits in

yeah so you have this like advanced

civilization

where people have toilets and running

water but you don’t use it for your little

babies they

have to shit in a little box

because and you have to be

well you’re with them all the time anyway so it’s just

a minor inconvenience

you just dump it in the toilet and all that but

but they can’t

climb up to the toilet

yet they’re not really designed for that yet and they

can’t hold themselves up

while they’re falling

so i get her

she’s got like a little

thing that sits on top of the toilet but then

again you got to pick her up

but she drops

these logs that are like human sized i mean if it was

my poop it would be as big as my chest

i mean it doesn’t even make any

sense that there’s

so much shit comes out of her little body

you gotta take the famous photo of the

you her pooping though

she’s a baby that’s a

good one for you well

that’s something that everyone did as a kid is that

on your twitter

it used to be i don’t have it anymore

me holding a penthouse

let’s bring this

bitch home ladies and gentlemen

thanks to the

flashlight for

sponsoring us

if you want to go to

flashlight com

well actually if you go to joerogane

net and click the link

you can get 15

off so you can masturbate at a discount

and it’s a very effective item

i support it i went back to

using it recently

did you good for you bro

you can be by yourself for a little bit you’re

gonna be okay

me too you’re

gonna be fine

thank you very much to eliza

slush and jeremy

thanks for having me

powerful comedian

winner of last

comic standing

and all around badass

bitch props

give me some knuckles

check out her blog

her blogs are really good oh

yeah and she has very

funny twitters as well

thank you you have a cool name on

twitter too because it’s easy eliza that’s it i eliza

and my blog is

that’s my nightmare com yes

yeah and that’s linked on the eliza yes

on eliza com

and so follow her on twitter you

dirty bitches

and follow redband too because he’s really sad that he

doesn’t have any more he’s trying to like

really blow past cat

stacks and cat

stacks has one in

me i actually have a number that i’m trying to get past

right now what is it

tell me what it is

21 000 21 000

folks we can do it

ladies and gentlemen just believe in the lord

lord the lord will provide and

21 000 twitter followers will

enter a new epoch

yes whatever

fuck am i talking

about february 4th mandelay bay

me joey diaz

and ari shafir

it’s gonna be epic you fucking freaks

mandalay bay theater

i think it’s like 1700 people

still some tickets available they’re

going fast don’t get locked out

thank you to

c2o coconut

water for sending us a big fat case

of delicious coconut

water the shit is so

yummy did you try it yet

yes i’ve had it before oh you’ve had it before

great you’re

gonna just take it with you you’re not

gonna drink it

have some i said long car ride

on long car ride what

bring in the long car i don’t

don’t bound

up here pressure

when can anybody see you do

stand up when is

the next gig

i do stand up

nightly in los angeles

for updates on that you can

go to my twitter or my facebook page i always post it

omnistoro improv

or the laf factory

and my next date i will be the pittsburgh improv

the 19th weekend of the 19th of this

month great club

powerful pittsburgh improv go see her

go see her rock the house

thank you very much for coming by

thank you everybody tomorrow

3 p m brian

callan is coming by oh i love brian

my road dog just back from thailand

holla at your boy filming the hangover too so he’s

gonna have some

crazy fucking stories

so we’ll see you guys tomorrow

and thank you very much tune in

i love you bitches as always oh you know what i don’t

all of your

brothers later