Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with John Heffron.

Transcript

this song started out really good but this part sucks

this part is

devoid of attractiveness it’s just

noise coming out your mouth son that’s kid cudi

the beginning was really interesting i liked it

but then that whole whiny part in the middle

i wasn’t feeling that shit yo you just got too high joe

is that what it was yeah

you think so yeah he can’t handle his weight do you

think that because you’re too high

maybe maybe john heffron are you too high

i’m not high at all that what

i know oh i see what you’re doing

what what you doing

it’s got corporate gigs no

no i’m not i’m literally not how is that possible

i think i’m immune

i think i immune to marijuana i think so

i’ve never like you know was in college and

stuff like that i would i

would waste it

and i would

see people get high off of like hit or two and i go

i just wasted an entire bag and i’m not i don’t

think i breathe in properly or you were just telling us

about eating it

yeah i’ve only i’m a big

fan cause i’m not fan of coughing and i’m not

a fan of that act

cause i think i’m

gonna die every time so

if i do i just i eat it which is

it’s cool cause i

literally and

anytime i do i get lost

so lost in the

music before we go

any further out to say this podcast is sponsored by the

flashlight if you’re

a flashlight

go to todoroki

net and click on the link and say 15

that we have a real

sponsor we have to like really

pay attention you know what they need to do with

those is actually put a battery in them for an actual

light because in

especially in this rain

see my loads glowing through yeah but you know

where that is even if it’s hidden

you know where that is

and if your

power goes out in your

house you could probably get to that

quicker than a

legitimate flashlight

right because last

night you have

enjoy and you lose

point this you know is if it’s

underneath some books

underneath the

couch you know exactly

where to go to

get very good

point i have no idea

where any of my

flashlights

right but you know

where that is i know

where that is

that’s so true that’s a good point dude

you know that actually might be a

legit product you

might actually be able to sell that to them

yeah we’re gonna

bring that up with the

flashlight people an emergency

flashlight on the back but people

worry about

shooting loads and then getting battery acid on

their dick you know like something

breaks and you get

battery acid just

sprays out all of your balls but there’s less

of a chance of getting battery acid there than actually

throwing into some

chick you meet in vegas

you probably have a better chance of having something

wrong go down with a

random chick than battery acid

really you think so do you think

a random chick is

scarier than

sticking your dick in some sort of a machine that makes

light out of a battery

jesus christ

man a fucking

laissez fairy

how lack of days ago a

relaxicle are you with your balls man you’re

fucking testing

your balls near

batteries the statistically probably

there’s a better chance of getting something from a

random chick

than to get battery acid

on yeah statistically but that’s because statistically

over the years a lot of people been fucking

random chicks

not that many dudes been sticking

their dicks in battery holes well not that we know

of that we know of

there must be some

yeah there’s

gotta be some guy a couple girls

you know a couple girls what they got battery acid

over jj yeah from

vibrators oh yeah

right cause it’s

the same thing

have you ever

taken out whoa whoa whoa

are you telling the

truth there was

a long time

ago there was this girl i used to date back in high

school that used to have this vibrator

that was like she

stole from her mom whose mom

stole from her grandma it was the

grossest vibrator ever it was so

cheap and plastic looking

one time i was just

looking at it i was like you have the dirtiest vibrator

because it had

this white powder all around

where the battery was

on the side of it

and i opened it up and it was just a

blown up you know

like those old batteries

where the acid just goes

everywhere she goes

i never turn it on though

and i’m like but look at this white

stuff all around it oh my god that white

stuff was eating up our

snack probably

i mean like how horrible

is his battery at

if there was a

porn star show

where dudes brought in that

would be funny i

would watch it

i would like to

see this is a

vibrator i’ve had in my family for like

three generations

my grandma had it and then they have to bring that

expert out to test it

i’m a dildo tester and this is a good quality this was

i’ve always touched

battery acid by a mistake

then you know like you’re taking

an old remote control out and you’re like god damn

these batteries

and you pull it out and you’re always looking at

your hands like am i really supposed to be doing this

old sex cars

some days sex toys will be like they will be like

antiques that are fascinating like if you find some

walrus bone dildo from the fucking

french alps that used to be in neanderthals

that’s some fascinating shit man

to us that’s really interesting

yeah i guarantee you like

flashlights and shit someday

those things are

gonna be like a big

point of novelty when they have like you know

3d holograms that suck your dick

when they have some you know what i mean i mean they’re

gonna have some

crazy shit it’s gonna be

just a new experience

an artificial

experience like

wired into your

brain or micro

robots like it’s a lotion that you put in your vagina

and like all

these little baby

microscopic

robots are formed to vibrate certain ways and you

could just use

your iphone to like nano turn up the volume of the

the vibration in my vagina

gel you know what i mean i don’t think it’s

gonna be that complicated

dude fucking

microscopic

robots inside your

pussy i wouldn’t

trust them in there

what if they decide not to

leave and you get some sort of a

yeast infection or what

yeah they start

freaking out yeah

virus and they

start just well they won’t turn on you at first

the be your friends

everything be perfect

and then that’s when you turn on you

i just think

there’s better ways

to get off you don’t have to stick

robots in your pussy

that’s just me though man i’m old school

i’m simple when it comes to shit if you hear my

voice you like damn joe you sound like you got a cold

i still do have a fucking cold this is so disappointing

i’ve had a cold for over a week now

this is a longest longest cold i’ve had in years man

me and john are about to get this cold so what is the

forecast for you when you get this cold it’s gonna come

about like next

thursday you’re gonna start getting sniffles

i mean is that gonna be okay for

you by next thursday yeah that’s

cause i’ve had two weeks vitamin c and sleep yeah

let me get a be on

stage in new york going rogue

where you going to new york

gotham new year’s eve

oh new year’s eve in gotham

gotham is a great club

i love that place i love it because of

the security guys that are there everybody’s cool there

all the employees are cool

those guys just have a certain kind of coolness when

people are kind of being douchey

well they’re

former cops yeah they go and they do this move

or they just

their hand on the guy’s

shoulder they don’t say a word

and then they just walk away

and then that guy

doesn’t get

he doesn’t get mad like

other clubs

where you know

it’s great a

shoulder move sort of like a spock

thing kind of like i’m

not the only one here notice i’m in a suit and so are

these other guys and we probably all have weapons

wow all in one little look

all one little that’s a goddamn

pro one little

yeah that’s a great club

it is it is i love that

club love that club that’s backdrop too in any club i

think just you know it’s the most

coolest backdrop i like

walking to that club

stand up did a special there

oh did he yeah

yeah i do showtime special there

and really interesting

background you had like

mirrors in the

background remember it

like a reflection of

it was like

an eighties

dance club it look like

did it yeah yeah

it looked like a couple bad yeah

i thought i thought it was just unusual

i didn’t think it looked like an

eighties dance club

so it remind me of like a one

nighter you used to have to do

where the you know

i like that it’s

small though i like that

that it’s all intimate like that

that may be the way to go when you’re filming a special

i mean everybody wants to do like a big

crazy special in the theater

and i’ve done that but it

doesn’t seem it’s not the same kind of show

as the the the

club show the club shows a different show

yeah definitely

they’re both fun they’re both different like the

laughs in the big theaters are way bigger

cause there’s so many

people just you know when you get on a roll it gets

pretty fucking

crazy i already started

but at a theater

there’s for me there’s like a little bit of a

disconnect because

one you just can’t see the people

it’s not we’re

doing it on purpose you just have so many

lights you’re

literally looking out into the dark going

well i hope i’m staring at people

but you can’t tell

yeah it feels very strange

it feels almost like

like sort of an artificial show feel like a fake show

you know it’s weird

sometimes they get

going though and they feel just like a regular show

i’ve had giant

places that

feel like a regular show sometimes just because

the mood is

right it’s like

it works out and or you’re at a

small you know

club that’s in the basement somewhere

that has a hundred people and that show feels like

those shows are

crazy i did

your favorite

place in michigan

ann arbor comedy showcase yeah that’s where i

started that’s a

great place very

first place ever

we were there for the

ufc and this

place is like an hour away from

where the ufc was

but me and cigar

did shows there and fuck was a great club

perfect size it’s like two hundred and

fifty seats feels like a comedy

club you’re in a basement

yep and the ceiling you

could literally

touch without even extending your arms almost yeah

there’s something

about those rooms man

those intimate rooms when you’re on stage

and in the halls connecting and everyone’s

having a good time and the materials just coming out

smooth and everyone’s

laughing it’s like

man it’s like some crazy

energy well i

think it’s the same if you ever walk into the same

older house that was built

a long time you know an

older house in a neighborhood

there’s an energy

about it then you walk into somebody’s

house who lives in one of

those prefab

news subdivisions and it’s a different energy i

think it’s the same thing

when you feel like it’s been lived in

you do both

are posting

comedy club at mall

where it doesn’t have that same

yeah whatever that thing is

yeah that is i mean i

guess you could recreate that if

you just had a real good environment but you’re right

all the new cool spots like even new

cool spots that just open up in la and like wow what a

great cool spot even if it feels cool

there’s something missing

those older clubs like the comedy works in

denver denver

and also in a basement

exactly there’s a theme

but is it just

photos punch

it all it is

are you just

tricked by photos

maybe you’re just like i got so much headshots in my

head this place has a lot of history totally be

stoner talk

might totally be

stoner talk absolutely

but you know

there’s there’s people that believe there’s

certain like

scholars that actually a proposed the concept that

everything has a type of memory

you know rupert sheldrick

experiences

i think he’s an

evolutionary biologist

i think that’s what he does

but he had this

concept that

everything has memory like

tables and chairs

they all have some sort of memory

can you imagine your

table having memories i’d be like god damn

it look at that

table’s memories well they carry

the certain weight of

their experience although

the environment

that they’ve been around the idea is that when you’re

giving off bad energy or good energy anything that’s

going on like the

things around you pick it up

that’s why when you go to

i mean the idea is

more total hippy talk

but if you go to someone’s

house and they’re really cool

their whole

house feels cool yeah feels like friendly

you ever go antique

shopping it’s kind of creepy and it’s not

just like looking at regular

furniture you’re

going through this

shit that was owned by somebody that’s probably dead

then you get to a box of old

photos of people’s like

wedding photos and

stuff that are just you

know there’s no kids that took them

you know so they’re just

miscellaneous people’s

photos from like

the 20s and stuff

i’ll buy a couple

and just like look at them and like draw mustaches

on them and

throw them away and stuff

but but they’re only like 25 cents you

should go there

go to an antique

store find the box of old

photos it’s

freaky that’s all i had to say

wow yeah old

pictures are weird man

the idea that they just captured some person

you know it’s like

we were so connected today

that just the concept of the way people

lived in like the

the late eighteen hundreds the

early nineteen hundreds like that’s so

alien to us just the idea so when you see a photo

of someone from like

some fucking dude

who’s trying to

make it across the country

with his kids

you know from the wild west from like eighteen sixty

five and you see a

photo the dude

and you like what the fuck look at that guy

like that guy was just

he was almost some sort of an animal

you know i mean

no fucking cell

phone no cable

what did he

learn some shit in

school what did they even know then did they

know anything i mean they were one step removed from

thinking that

people would get in a boat and fall off the face of the

earth these

motherfuckers that came over here

the settlers

like jesus when you see a

photo of them and

their family

all hard looking people out

there in the woods

and you knew eventually they

would probably got fucking

scalped by indians

yeah like whoa

that’s a crazy ass picture

could you imagine if somehow or another

you got fucking

transported

back in time and you had to live in the old cowboy days

no fuck only

the prostitutes

would be good i

think i think that would be

clean prostitutes are you kidding me

you get nothing was

clean no pregnant all

regular girls

smelled like

dirty prostitutes back then yeah i forget

about prostitutes

powdered wigs would be kind of cool they

had to be disgusting

those women must have been just rancid

just they must have smelled like animals

just foulness no one shaving their legs

they’re barely

surviving they’re eating dirt sandwiches

every day they’re out there in the fucking dust

taking baths i wonder what they’re like

entertainment tonight or

extra what like they had the gossip about

random crap they didn’t know that they were missing

the internet they didn’t know that they were missing

you know stuff because

it didn’t exist in

their head so they weren’t

so they all had to just

socially was it just

only references are like tombstone when they go to that

dance yeah they go to the billiard hall

member and they played

they played pool and they

would like get mad at each

other and shit remember

kevin costner

and wyderp yeah but i

guess you just complain

about like boy

these these

if you seen

these new horseless

carriages they’re not

gonna you know i

guess you would have

those guys the haters and the

i don’t think

horses carriages came around for a while

and i was like

i’m actually

gonna be off

on a lot of it

rep you’re off yeah

wikipedia anything

by a whole generation or three

yeah but how many years is officially a

generation cause i always like to

think of it as lifetimes

i don’t think like

generations are too fucking confusing

like you know what how many

how many years do you fall into you know

technically it’s ten

cause he always invent new names for the new

is it ten but then

you look my dad’s

yeah i think so

it’s officially here

this is definitely officially a new generation

because people will always talk to me

about someone who i have no idea who the fuck they are

and they act like i should know who this person is

you know like some

famous singer or some

famous you know

rapper or whatever the hell it is yeah i’m at that

age where you

whatever band is on like a late

night talk show

anybody yeah yeah used to go oh cool

these guys and they’re like hmm

dude i don’t know anybody yeah i don’t know anybody

it’s crazy i

watch you know dancing with the stars like who is this

bitch who is this guy i

watched an episode the other day

why did i like dancing joe i

um no i don’t like wait but you did

dance for this that upcoming

movie movie

now you kind of got the little dancing uh

no man that the rhythm

catch him the

rhythm caught on the rhythm

it was hard dancing is difficult it

requires a lot of focus like

what we had to do

i forget what it’s called some spanish thing

but it’s like

a big fucking serious like bullfighting fucking

dance it’s like they like bomb

throw their

chest forward

right right arms back

and the dude who like was teaching a

punch out the dude who was like

teaching me how to do the male moves

was this dude he was like this badass dancer

and i’m like you know this is like something

really hard to do that you get like zero credit for

you know like dudes

don’t give a fuck that you’re a really good dancer

you know they like part of them

is like yeah man that’s awesome man wow you incredible

then part of them was like why the fuck are you

spending all your time doing this

what are you doing

fruitcake just

spinning around the

music yeah that guy

shits the other

day yeah it’s

weird that guy

learns all those

dance moves and

probably hundreds of moves within a song

but then we give a lot of credit

to a basketball guy who can

you go over here post out and then turn to the

left that’s all you know what i mean right

well there’s something and

one there’s

something to fun

i mean i guess look there’s something to all of it

there’s something to fun dancing and then something to

this as like some sort of a visual

performing arts sort of a

thing it’s definitely a different experience

but it’s a lot of fucking work i had ballroom

dance one two and

three in college

it’s a lot of work and the

final result is not interesting to me

no it’s not i don’t care i

dated a girl who was like a big

dance instructor at the

brown derby here in town

yeah whenever i

first moved to la

and she taught all

these ballroom

dances and then

we went to some club that just played normal

music oh no and she didn’t know how to dance

and she like no i don’t know

it had to be

one two three four

one two three one

two like she

was banging some

crazy robot

broad but you

think that because she knew

18 styles of

dance that you know

we get on the

dance floor

you know hearing

you know you guys love snapping about

dances i love it

we didn’t talk

about we weren’t talking

about where we’re

gonna have our

second chance proms the most awkward

moment ever is when they see like in vegas

about five dudes hanging out together

and there’s no girls near them

and then they’re getting a couple of

drinks in them

they start sort of like half dancing oh yeah

they can’t like totally commit to dancing right you

know so that like little go through like half the moves

like i’m not really in the fuck of this

music it doesn’t make me move that much

but you know

i’ll give a little move give a

little move here and there you know but they can’t like

dance with each

other they can only move just a minimum amount

you can’t get

crazy no you

can’t just in

front of each other

gyrating hips

you’re not allowed to do that to dudes

girls can get together and

dance all they want

but with dudes you can only sort of half dance

i should go out just by myself yeah

sometimes you

should go out by yourself to clubs

um when i first

moved to la i did

really but i

would go on the dance

floor by myself oh my god there’s something

wrong with your

brain you need to go to a doctor no

i did it too

man at first

it’s a little bad at

first you’re

gonna get the guys that are like look at

what’s this guy doing

you kinda do it

but then you get the girls that

come over to you because they like the guy who’s then

they’ve done a lot of work yeah it’s a little gutsy

it is a very gutsy

it’s a gutsy move

not always worked

how many times has it failed on you

oh i don’t even know probably more times than but

but it just takes that one time

you know just that one time

some dudes can take criticism and or rejection rather

some dudes are fine with that i have a friend he

would he would hit on every girl

that he was an ugly guy he was ugly and he was fat

but he didn’t give a fuck

he would swing

he would swing in

every pitch

i know a couple you

never know that way

that you never know

that you know his comic

yeah it’s i don’t want to give him up on the air yeah

yeah i won’t do

do mine either but you can’t go to bars with that guy

cause it’s too much

too much and then

those are always the guys who let people know you’re a

comic right like there’s a

whole bunch of

comics that are that way so they go up to the

bouncer like hey

the comics at the

chuckle hut and then the bounce is usually like

i don’t care

it’s brutal

what you want free

tickets or they

want the girls to be impressed it’s

it’s brutal when you with a dude

where you know

there’s no way if you go somewhere and there’s a

chick that he’s not

gonna hit on her

and it’s not gonna get

annoying and it’s not

gonna get embarrassing yeah

those guys are brutal

where you know

it’s like okay i can’t hang out with you anymore

cause if i hang out with you

and we go somewhere you look

immediately

just everything that moves the

first fucking

the waitress that comes over i

think she’s

kinda ah man look at that

ass toggin it she’s

kinda cute yeah

and then the next

thing you know

it’s all about

this fucking waitress and him getting this waitresses

number whoa

why can’t you just have

lunch yeah yeah fucking weirdo

and then they don’t come to your

table anymore

cause they don’t

wanna deal with you and then

yeah exactly exactly and it

cause it works

every thirtieth time they fucking just

wanna put in

those numbers man yeah

those crazy dudes they just

wanna put in

those numbers

and if you’re around them you’re like oh great

no it’s amazing

yeah it’s fucking disastrous man it’s a shitty feeling

i would would the

other move when i was on by myself i

would go up to girls and say my friends left me can i

dance by you so i don’t look like i’m dancing by myself

and then then you

dance but here’s the

trick young guys here’s the thing

you have to commit to that and you don’t talk to

those girls

you don’t go can i bebe

and then hey what’s up

ladies then you ignore them oh okay

and then the cooler one of the

group will then kind of come over and go you can

and then they’ll let you into the circle

if you’re not

completely hideous in embarrassing them

the key is not to give them attention

after you do that little move

wow and then now you’re the hurt animal in the forest

you’re the bird with the broken wing

and there’d be one nurturing girl in that

group that’ll

bring you in

i just go up

them go hey i’m a producer i like your moves

ladies i just want you to just stop and

think about how fucking

gross men are have you heard of

bang brothers i

started that

stop for a second and

think of how

gross men are and how fucking how much

effort you put into creating the perfect environment

where they think you’re a nice guy

or interesting

or mysterious or cute or whatever the fuck you’re doing

how much of

most most guys

everyday focus

is just to try to get girls to like them

ninety four four percent of the day

that’s brian

brian gives off for

brian’s like fuck i mean how much

money brian

has no loads left

how much money

masturbation and girls he’s got no loads left

he’s got no

time for your bullshit yeah why you fucking around john

why you fucking around me

so these girls get

stupid with him it’s like i have

no loads for you you have no loads your dancing plan

you just need to hit it out the fat

you spend too much time with that dancing plan

and what is your dancing plan

brian you just go up and go hey

my producer

what do you produce

here i’ll play the girl i’ll play the girl

ready hi hi

so i’m a producer

oh wow what do you do

what do you produce what do you do i’m like an actress

well how are

you tables right now i will

produce you

i went on this call

back i’m pretty sure it’s

gonna work producer

hey you got

you got facebook what do you produce yeah

um i shouldn’t

give this to you but

i’ll do it here

here let me type it in for you

what’s your what’s your passcode

all right cool

you i’m not

gonna remember this okay

it’s doing to

do what can you say that louder

all right cool

all right see i’m just

gonna turn on your mobile me

right here and location services

all right cool cool and here

all right cool you there there’s my face whip whoa

she just stunned a dumb

chick she’s like what the fuck is magic

i’m dating a wizard do you remember

that girl used to date a long time ago

jessica the first

thing i said to her

was she was playing with her ipod

and we were all out to dinner

and i go hey let me

refragment your ipod for you and she goes what is

it running slow

and i’m like yeah let me refragment for you

and i took it and

i did all the

stuff and i’m like there it

should be running a lot faster now

and she goes wow i didn’t even know you

could do that what’s your name

that’s how we met

so what did you actually do you did nothing

now i just kind of

forget what i looked at

what shitty

taste of music she has

what the fuck are all

these bob seger songs

like a rock

i was strong

as i could be

like a rock

is that from that commercial i

never danced

to this song but it is from the commercial

that’s where i know it from

that guy was a bad

motherfucker back in the day

there’s certain certain dudes

when the well ones dry

their music is like so different

know like perfect examples billy joel

billy joel is like one of the biggest turnarounds ever

from like a guy was like this young guy who had this

these really passionate

lyrics and it was really interesting like

songs that really like moved you to up to

down girl right

she’s been living it you know it’s

like in that eight years

something happens where they just hit the fucking rocks

whether it’s love it’s too much love

you know i’m saying or too much hot chicks sex

you know like they’ve got it all now it’s like

the passion and the anger it’s not there anymore

because now they’re banging

supermodels and they

drive in fucking ferraris and living in mansions so

where’s all that struggle you know

what’s tricky what’s your struggle john

my struggle yeah

right now what

are you what you’ve been struggling with lately

john’s got many struggles that he can’t talk

about the air brian

we both know this

i have my roof

leaking your roof is leaking yeah that’s a big

those people

what’s better your roof leaking or the roof is on fire

fucking roof is on leaking

we don’t need no

water yeah have you

heard the new eminem song with lil wayne

lil wayne’s already making songs yeah

he just got out of jail we could go

yeah and he’s got like

three videos rappers make me feel lazy

they put together a lot of work

yeah well you should

eminem has some

lyrics in this one that are awesome

what’s his name little jim

yeah he’s a sausage maker from chicago little jim

little wayne

what is it it’s lil wayne

it’s called no love lil

wayne is a sign of the times

my favorite new eminem

lyric is i’m

going to stop being mean

when aquaman

drowns and human

flames swims

that’s not a good line that’s not that good

well i can’t well

this is a song yeah

and so it’s eminem and who else lil wayne lil wayne and

both of them are really mad they’re mad yeah

they woke up and they were really mad

wow this is a brand new song just came out

well they took yes

everybody here’s ebbedab and lil wayne is that

no who is it who they sample it

what is that

yeah my life a bitch but you know nothing about her

been to hell and back i can show you vouchers

eminem comes in soon i’m smoking sour

that’s why my bars are full of broken bottles

and my nightstands are full of open bibles uh

i think about more than i forget

around fire expecting not to sweat

and these niggas know i lay whoa whoa come on

bitches try to kick me

i think that’s prison talk

money outweighing problems on a triple beam

i’m sticking to the script

you niggas skip hey

on that guy

i

hope this gets better soon i know what

eminem’s coming up

not good

everybody’s got their own taste man but

here comes eminem

there we go i like where this is going

he’s a bad motherfucker he is

shut damn crank that back up oh

that too was a bad motherfucker

and you don’t love me that’s right you know her

and i don’t need to know don’t wanna see

now here’s wham last christmas that was

eminem with no love except eminem is a bad motherfucker

i don’t know this album is called recover

it’s awesome i

think it’s probably

one of his best he’s got such an unusual flow

you know it

never not pumps me up

like even if i don’t

like wait what do you say i just

it’s really his

right it’s like that’s his shit yeah you know it’s like

he’s got a real original

way of making shit rap and

rhyme or making shit rhyme

when he hits

that flow man it’s like it’s so compelling yeah

like that other dude was

i couldn’t listen to that yeah it

was driving me

crazy but when

eminem came out i’m like god damn this dude is a master

i wonder hearing that type of

music that just to me just jazzy you just want to

start hitting stuff

how many people

fake ufc walk in

music in their bedroom

like grown adults

like when when the

music’s playing

they kind of

you know the

kind of getting that little hop

in yeah i do it

to be honest

you do it do

you do it you pretend to walk out like you’re

about to walk yeah

wow that would be a really

funny scene in a movie

dude i would

i’ll do that

having a fake walk out to a fight

wow because i got to sing when i’m ironing

before show or after

you know when i get to i put in music

and then i’m ironing and then

that kicks in and then before you know it

you got something

wrong with you man

doctor that’s

twice i think you

gotta go to a

brain doctor son

going to clubs by yourself

that was when i was like

twenty something

i do wanna go karaoke with it and then

standing in

front of the

mirror pretending like big john mccarthy’s fucking

checking your cup yeah

fucking weirdo

i do do the

t or t’s hop

sometimes that when you bounce like in your

house by yourself like when i’m ironing and when

i get jazzed by the

music you get

fired up yeah and then you’re kinda in

those boxer

briefs that

kinda you kind of

like to fight

shorts now you go through

these stages

where you get into martial arts

training and you do it for a

while you do a

crowd maga for a

while you do

jiu jitsu for a

while what are you doing now are you doing anything

i’ve been doing this i

think she’s an ex porn

chicks workouts on body rock

go to body rock

tv i tell you that’s your new thing

shake weights okay

no you have

to check out this

website and see how hard the workouts oh i’m sure man

and people goof on you know

those just step

classes in aerobics

those fucking

things are hard as shit man

i’ve been doing getting

shape girl lately it’s like

these ribbons and sticks

it’s an exercise

thing it really helps me out my cash

ribbons and

sticks what the fuck are you talking

about ever see they get in

shape girl no what does it get in shape

girl used to be this exercise

thing for kids in the 80s

with ribbons and

sticks isn’t it kind of funny that they can have

women’s only gyms but

they’ll bet you if you try to have

a men’s only gym you can’t have like a men’s only gym

you can have those

curves and shit like that where

women can’t go

but you can’t

even boxing gyms

women go to boxing gyms i

think you even have to have a male and female

locker room

really or bathroom

actually you can have a co

because they do that in hollywood they have a co ed

hmm which is

horrible because then girls have to go in there

after dudes take

giant stinky yeah

i like that

stuff separate

yeah you should have

stuff separate you don’t want to

smell my shit hooker

joe you should

bring a guy only jim and cut

instead of curves

call it like bulges or something like balls bulges

hairy balls

so i’ve been doing the body rock

dot tv you have to

check it out

fellas body

are you getting paid for this no this is

sponsoring your website because it is i’ll

throw up in your lap

one hundred percent that but you

should see the girl

who’s on there that’s what i’m trying to give you guys

those filled with hot

chicks you can look at them anytime

you want the internet you have to work out to them

and then then i was

going to a phase

where i’m like there’s a jujutsu place

right across the

street from

where i just

literally it

where i live

well okay you have to go

and it’s right there and i’m like we will go

and then i saw um

a video some guy doing a reverse arms

lock or something i’m like

maybe i’ll just do

it so i go on phases

we’re like i just i don’t want anybody

punching me anymore

well the jujutsu

thing the good

thing about that is that it’s you don’t have to do

striking and

grappling enough to

worry about you get hit anyway you’re always

gonna get hit you’re

gonna get head bots so yeah people slam and

you accidentally it just

things always get hit but it’s not like the

thing that impressed me when i was um

doing this gi jujutsu

that there’s

a guys in there that was like 60 65 and probably

way more flexible than me

were containing young guys

that’s cool thing

about rolling around like that is the

older you get you

never have to leave it

your game might

slow down a little bit

but that’s very technical

martial arts very technical like i roll

a lot of times with guys who are way way

lighter than me

and weaker than me and yet they can

still tap me

you know there’s not too many

sports like that

where someone who’s

bigger stronger faster

more agile than you and yet you could

still contain them you know

i mean if you’re

playing football and even if you’re like

there’s no one on one football or one on one basketball

even if you’re like you know fairly talented

if a dude is very fast and very athletic and much

quicker and

stronger than you

he’s probably

gonna fuck with you he’s probably

gonna fuck you up

but in jiu jitsu it’s amazing what like a

light person can do to a big strong

heavy person

there’s a friend felicia

felicia oh do you know felicia she’s well

one of john jacques machados

black belt yeah yeah that’s

where she’s a

great person and she’s really you know an excellent

like legit black belt

well this guy see more but

you know who is the porn

star used to have that tv show i forget what it was

about it was a showtime show always goes to mos

no it was the showtime show

about him something

about him anyway

he wanted to film an episode where he

learned jiu

jitsu and then rolled with a girl

so he came to

eddie’s class

right he learns all

these moves

learns what an armbar is

learns what a triangle

is and they gave him like a couple of private lessons

and then he rolls with felicia on camera

and felicia just

commences to strangle him

in every way

shape or form she wants to she armbars him triangles

him takes his back

i mean she just

fuck this dude i

had no chance it was like

just just a

total mangling she mangled him and i

think they put very little of it if any of it on the

television show he

didn’t want to be embarrassed but he stopped doing it

so see i do i was

thinking about did you or

either knife

fighting or let’s be realistic

kane fighting

yeah did get stop all that go

to take you

man what did i just i just

give you an inspirational

speech about a hundred

thirty pound

woman strangling

a male porn star

to death if she fought him to the

death she would have won

he’d be a dead man

and she’d be

standing over

him howling with his fucking head in her hand

she fucking

finished him

wouldn’t that be cool to take like a chinese star like

class to become

really good at it to make it like a boomerang

where you just go

yeah and then someone pulls out a gun

this is jesus christ why not get good at

fucking cannon bolts and

no this is what you need to get good a

sling and a rock

because that’s how

david killed goliath

but what if it’s really good

you’re throwing

knives if you got really good at it you

wouldn’t beat a gun it’s

heavy they’re sharp

carry a gun

you couldn’t beat a gun you

could no you couldn’t you got so good you

could hit the guy

right in the vein in his arm

superhero you be

come on fucking goddamn

now you’re just making up rules

you just being

silly dude i

think that that is

it pull that i’ll

show you guys

chest and fill you full of bullet

holes show you guys one day

this is the beginning of kick ass three

red band returns what’s

wrong with you boy that’s what i want to know what is

wrong with you

it’s pretty

smart if you think

about it i mean

it’s a knife with

five corners

the star of

night you gotta keep them in a

pouch so they don’t stab you

so you go to get them out just

where’d you

go man purse

thing on the side oh and a million

in there yeah okay

okay i see what you’re saying

i saw like if you really thought this through

belt buckle chinese star and

like black butt

magazine you

could get yeah

brian wants to be a character in a spider man

comic book you did not you did not

order chinese stars

yeah i definitely

badass now you’ve done

better guns

are way better

they’re way

better yeah but if you get pulled over with a gun it’s

a little bit different if you got pulled over with a

bunch of chinese

yeah you know what

the difference is you can have a

license for a gun

and you get

pulled over

for chinese stars like what the fuck you

know chinese

stars are legal

yeah they’re sort of are they yes

i don’t know by

chinese stars

at the mall you don’t think

there’s some

more fake samurai

swords don’t

think there’s some laws to

those things chinese stars no

there’s no laws i don’t

think so really

not in california at

least there wasn’t in ohio

i know there wasn’t in ohio i

haven’t looked

into chinese stars well

either way they’re

gonna think

there’s something

wrong with you

well you can’t have it in your pocket because that

would be a concealed weapon yeah but if you have a big

clear ziploc bag

like you go to the airport

i do like this

ninja but you’re kind of a poor

ninja so yeah you have to keep it in a ziplock bag

you know you don’t really

you didn’t have all the cool ninja

stuff you got problems kid

both both of you together

make dual appointments go to the brain doctor

do you think baths

are really that much

worse than taking showers like if you were to take a

bath every day and

scrub every day do you think it’s worse

i mean your showers are 100 times better right

well the problem

with baths is that you’re in the same goddamn

water that you

got dirt in

doesn’t rinse off

right if you took a bath and then took a

quick shower afterwards

that’s the move

right but lying in your own filth

you just it’s like poo tea

that’s what it’s like it’s like

butthole tea

yeah it’s hot

water your butthole your balls all

that is all around your face now and you dunk your head

under now it’s on your forehead

it’s all butthole and balls tea that’s what it is

and soap and dirt and skin

no it’s stupid you ever meet

those girls that only take baths they take yeah

they need to

clean their

pussy better that’s gross

i don’t wanna

smell your feet either

you need to take a goddamn shower

hooker it’s

2010 almost 11

get your shit together john you went

check this out i went to get a washing machine the

other day at best buy

this shows you how bad best buy’s been getting lately

lately i’ve been

going to best buy and looking at kodak

camp there’s

this camcorder that i got off amazon for like 175 right

and i noticed that they always have it there for 250

and i’m like why is that such a

price difference than amazon

i went to get a washing machine yesterday

5 99 599 i was

about to pay for it but then i red

lasered the

price tag thing on that what does that mean

red laser is that application

where it scans the upc code and shows you

how do you do it

it’s an application on your iphone

do you take a photo

yeah well you pull it out and it opens it and you

point it towards the upc symbol

and it scans it and finds any

local places that has this product any online

places and gives you all the information

about whatever product you’re

scanning so i’m

about to tell

this guy i’m like alright i want this washing machine

5099 fine whatever

it’s a good washing machine

and i scan it

right at the last

second and it was 2 99 at sears

and free shipping so they were like oh i

guess we’ll

price match that and

they gave me free

shipping and i got the washing machine

a half off do they have to

price match that

that’s one of

their policies best buy

price matches

everything and then just

last week you

on the internet huh

no no no it has to be a

local retailer around you a

local retailer

but they also just

dropped their

fees like when

best buy was notorious

every time you

bought something and then you return it they

always charge you like 10

15 restocking fees

the other day they just stop that

so there’s no more restocking fees they’re trying to

you know compete with

amazon and stuff but then you see

these products

lately like how the fuck are you

that’s 50 more than sears you

think they’re just hoping that nobody notices exactly

exactly well back

in the day when they say

we’ll give you the guarantee they knew nobody was

gonna check

that was probably safe

but now that you have

phones and you can go okay i’m

gonna pull it up right now

that’s incredible they

gotta adjust that red tag

thing see things like that

alone make the iphone

and even droids you can do that with your

yeah absolutely

it means this is like some fucking

futuristic shit man

that is incredible yeah

you can take us

photo of the

price tag it scans it

and finds those fucking objects in

local markets

and refuses and

everything it’s amazing

yeah between that and the fucking that shazam shit

when you’re at a restaurant and you

press that thing and it picks up the song and tells you

where the song is let you buy the song

let you watch it on youtube instantly

cause you young kid you didn’t know what it’s like

where you’d have to walk into

a record place or city

place and go up to the guy

you guys have that one song that goes

imagine going with that

eminem song not being able to figure out what it is

going to a to a cd stone go

do you know

when he goes

how about some of them

or something like that

hey hey bill

come over here

do it again to this guy

remember there was places

where you could go

where you could

sample them

i don’t know what what was it virgin

i think it was virgin

you would go and you put headphones on and they

would have the specific cd and you’d be

listening to

tracks so you

would always

be waiting like goddamn i can’t get in one of

these fucking headphones all

these greedy people keep listening to every song

so some people would just

stand there for

hours they would

stand there for

hours just listening to

album after

album because

they had them all up there available to listen to

and that’s how you’d find out if shit was any good

so you would take

i’m thinking

about taking a chance on the cd let me listen to it

and you would

go up to the little station and listen to it

yeah we chose

you that long ago

no no you’re

yeah you’re talking

less than 10 years

not even probably

you talk about a fucking business

i don’t know if this is a true fact but talk

about a business that’s been

transformed

i was looking on the

omg facts on twitter

and it said that 90

of all music is downloaded illegally

yeah that’s

crazy cause i buy

every single

thing that i get yes but you make good

money you’re successful

you know if you were hurting i

could see the justification mean i

could totally see it

if you’re broke

and you’re a fan of something i totally get it man i

think it’s a gray as fuck area

i don’t think it’s

is simple everyone calls it

stealing i don’t

think it is i

think it’s ones and zeros and it’s out there

and i think that

when people can support you they will support you

and that kind of support i

think is more valuable

voluntary support

than people who

just can’t fucking afford to support you financially

but they still like what you’re doing

so i see it both ways

i totally see the pirates

point of view

and i totally see the artist

point of view

i don’t think it’s a cut and dry issue man

what you’re doing is

you’re giving out information you

know you’re giving out whether it’s books or

movies or if they

enjoy it they’re

gonna support it if they can

they’re gonna support it

and it’ll be like an even

proposition

when people can support you and do support you

well then i

spent money because he’s a fan

and you gave him some

legit shit and he wants to support you

that to me is a way better exchange than he took

a chance on it

and like it and you got his

money anyway

i don’t want that money

you know i want the

money where you know what the fuck you getting

right you know what i mean

but it’s not like

for capitalism it’s not the best

strategy you know

unless you do a lot of people just got

to figure out new ways of working i mean that’s what

you know back in the day

that’s what dane cook did with i

think his first

album right he

put it on the

internet and gave it away for free and that’s

why everybody in that

age bracket at that time

right when mp3s came out you had dane cook

stuff on there because he

gave so and then look

look what happened yeah

but see there’s a big difference between us as

comics and music

the music industry

the music industry is

basically non

existent it’s gutted

i mean they’ve lost so many jobs and so much

money for us

see putting my

stuff online i’m a fucking

comic i go on

stage and i talk you know i’m saying

it’s just me i wrote it

i sat down i put it all together

i performed it you know a thousand times over the year

and then boom there it is you know it’s like

there’s such a big difference between that

that as a piece of performance and

music whereas you’ve got producers yeah you’ve got all

these fucking people that are involved in

it the band you’ve got all the drummer you got the guy

writes the music got the

he writes the lyrics

they all have to go together they got

agents they all have separate

agents they all have separate managers

and then there’s a fucking record producer

the production company

that actually actually

put money behind this and advertise

them and build up an

image for them and get them on all these

television shows and

there’s a fucking machine behind this man

and that machine just got its supply to

money cut off

it’s like somehow or another there’s a

giant leak in

their barrel

their barrel of wealth

that they had forever

i mean they had they

never thought the record industry

would go away

jesus christ

everybody’s been pimpin

artists forever

from the elvis days

beatles the rolling

stones you name it

people got rich as fuck off selling them

and now that shit has

changed it’s changed

radically that’s

why the record industry is coming back they’re

bringing back lps at

best buy i saw

they have a

bunch of lps now

but you mean record discs

yeah because that’s something you know even if you

steal you’re buying something upright with the

music and people have record missions it’s a novelty

yeah it’s a

novelty to have too

look at like

de antwoord

de antwoord

became famous

entirely through the internet

they don’t need anybody else

they don’t need anybody else man they have a giant

loyal fan base already

and growing all the time

every day when people are passing their

videos around and passing

their songs around

they could fucking make

their own shit if they had a backer

they had someone to print up

their shit and sell it and then

arrange a deal with itunes arrange a deal with

amazon com and all

those other

places that’s selling online

they don’t need anybody

no you could

do such a new business

yeah especially even your

comic you could

literally with some small

technology record your

thing and have it up on itunes in a day or two

i wonder what the numbers on itunes are though

i wonder like what

a really good selling

like you know

cd is on itunes i believe they sell

i was listening to

as if it’s 90

you know yeah i was listening

what train was talking on a radio show

and they were saying the bad

thing is let’s

say you like some band and you have to buy the whole

album and then that

would make huge

album sales

but now if you only like the one song people are just

going to get

in the one song so you’re not really selling a lot of

albums good that’s

cause a lot of your songs are

wack as fuck son

you need to get back to the drawing

board get some

stronger hash before you put out your shit

yeah look man how many

times have you gotten cds in the past

where it was

like there was like a couple of jammin songs

and there were

some songs it looks like they just slapped that

bitch together to fill

most of them

the worst is when

there was that

one band that had

great song that hit and most of the time

their whole cd was just

awful songs

yeah there’s over

that i found like

the time ice

cream castles

their only album

cause i was

in the time yeah

there were five songs on that album

and thinking back i’m like i paid full

money for that when i was that age and

only get five songs there’s less than 20

minutes brian find morris day in the time cool

because i’m cool

ice cream castle

morris day and the time cool this is

one of my favorite

songs when i was a kid i love morris day

i was always sad when morris

day just did not get the recognition i felt he deserved

to me who is an

aging personality and

he’s very interesting i like the guy who just holds the

mirror jerome

yeah jesse yeah and not around

listen to this shit

this is from

what year is this baby

i have no idea i gotta put on my nasa

space goggles for this

this great welcome to the desolate club

cup it up i’ll come stage one thank you

dark chocolate

hey this isn’t the right song dude

like the intro they say cool this is not the right song

where’s the time to walk

yeah what’s the name of the school

c o o l because i told wjlb

just wanted to get you guys warm there it is bro

this song is one of my all time favorites it’s not this

not the live version please don’t do it

yeah go back don’t do it to me

here we go we tried it no

buy the shit on itunes man jesus boy

what i hate is that station that all the

music’s on now is that

viveo or whatever that’s on youtube vimeo

and they make you watch commercials here it is

give me some volume

this is probably like what is this like 80

yeah three or some shit all the species

you feel like a 81 81 oh yeah i was 14 years old

okay where did you go interrupt the majesty

he just got everything bro

what he’s got everything he’s got everything

i got a couple on my toes

what father’s perfume money can’t buy

it’s just me smelling like a rose

you wonder how you do it

it’s just one simple rule i’m just cool cool

hey he’s just bragging that’s the whole song

he’s just a bad motherfucker you just don’t get it

i might die in san francisco

just let me know dance all night in

rome pippin everywhere pippin

in a freaking place i want to

doesn’t even take his hand out of his pocket

dozens dudes got dozens

makes a ring right here

thousand and the one

the old days

that is the

the narcissist song

it’s a good one

the greatest

narcissist song perhaps ever

although a little bit earlier we were talking about

three guys sitting around on a dance

floor they couldn’t

really commit but during that song we were

those three guys

i’ll dance right in

front of you

bitch i ain’t scared

you got the

wrong guy bro i’m wearing a nasa suit with fucking

space goggles on you don’t

think i’ll dance in

front of you

which by the way we were discussing before

when people

travel they

should have to wear those

i’m wearing them from now on i’m

aware this my fanny pack that’s i’m

gonna move around the airport

right when people know i am

i wonder if they get you get in trouble to

think like you

look like you work for the airport or something

you could just say this is a fashion

statement is what i wear bro

it’s my travels not like it’s not like official

government wearing this on

stage from now on just wearing nasa shit

just think if

you only wear that for the rest of your life you’d

never have to worry

about ever finding anything else to wear it’s just that

yeah but i don’t

wanna be that guy dude

i don’t wanna be

space nineteen ninety nine okay

why trying to sell me down that road john hefron

i wanna wear a fucking jumpsuit i don’t

wanna work in an

aviation plant

i don’t want

where’d you guys get

those did you get ice

cream too bro we’re from nasa

we work for nasa the

whole time the reason

i’ve been questioning the moon landings i am an

agent of disinformation

i’m here to make

doubters look foolish

that’s what i do

yeah and i just work in

human resources but

yeah when he’s

believe it or not he’s here to keep me in line make

sure i don’t say anything yeah

yeah i get a little bit

crazy when i did that

wacky to back

inside me and they don’t want me represent the company

but mostly sexual harassment but yeah

for him i talk

about black cock i was staring his eyes hey

i don’t think it’s sexual harassment

but for him whatever he gets nervous that’s gotta

happen once in

space right

do you think sexual harassment in space

can you imagine that if he came back and the woman goes

i would like to file a complaint

we were up there

if there was

one camera that the the astronauts didn’t know about

and then you know

they get back to

earth and everybody they

bring them into a room what you

wanna explain what the fuck this is all

about they’re all weightless sucking cock flying

through just

spinning around the air blowing each other

i mean have you ever had sex

experiments up there they had off

i’m sure it was off

the records

i bet the russians did it the guys are in the

space station

right they probably can’t help themselves they fuck

those wild animals

they’re probably up there just banging

right now that was probably a pickup move hey i

this one’s off the record but we’re supposed to do

sexual experiment

today you know what honestly now

that it did you brought this up i seem to remember that

there was like some sort of a debate on this recently

about where they were talking

about people having

sexual relations in space

i’m gonna have to google that they

should i wonder if they

think that was an

issue they should have a

birth in space that be badass

yeah but could you no dude it

would not be poop

everywhere you just

jump in with

weightless yeah you

could yeah i

would be like

better than

giving good for the kid there’s no

way yeah dude you can’t have a kid in high altitude

you know when we were

we had to get out of

the mountains

mountains above boulder because

my wife was pregnant

imagine being a fucking

space sex band aboard

the international

space station they have banned sex

you can forget joining the

200 mile high club

the j got the ball nasa

commander alan poindexter told the reporter

about the who asked

about the consequences if astronauts boldly went

where probably no others have been

okay what is that fucking innuendo

bitch ass politician

that sexual intercourse is not permitted

aboard the international

space station

we are professionals

point dexter said we

treat each other with respect and we have a

great working relationship

personal relationships are not an issue he explained

we don’t have them and we won’t hmm

well what are you gonna do when people go into

space for like six months at a time that’s the

thing if they ever decide to like man yeah

seriously what is it footloose something

he’s the footloose guy of the

space there be no dancing

there be no sex and dancing on this

i got space stations

for you well the way i look at it that galaxy

comes to here so we’re technically not on the sea

if you got dudes if you got dudes in a

spaceship and they’re

traveling six

months to mars

they might start boning each

other i got news for you

six months is a long ass time

those scientists might

crack just start

pulling i think i

would be fine with six months

you would be

i think we both have some friends that

would not be

it’d be like one week

all right guys let’s someone’s jerking me off i’m

gonna show you this right now

before we go any further it’s no big deal

how long can you it’s only gay if it’s on

earth but technically not on earth you

close your eyes

you pretend you’re making butter and i

close my eyes and pretend you’re a girl

that your beefy man like chimpanzee

hand is a girls

your calloused fucking

thick fat fingered

knuckles as they

my cock what

yeah we talked

about this in the meeting so it’s illegal

by the way it’s illegal

that’s the thing

now you know

sex is banned aboard the international

space station so we answered

our own question okay so if you’re the two people that

that say you do have sex

then is there a

third that’s

gonna be the snitch

probably one

thing is not

get your land and the

guy goes i want to

those guys had sex

my jealousy

some bitch blockers yeah

i mean that

point dexter

this guy’s name is

point dexter

coincidence

i think not

or if you did it you

would that would be the biggest

story ever yeah if i said well why is why is a

sex and space illegal some fucking

point dexter

you can’t tell me what i can even

space that sounds like

yeah that’s

that’s like

we need is brazilians if we had brazilians in

space they would just

start fucking they won’t even ask

didn’t ask questions you know they

would say well it’s out it’s out of the bag

we have to get

through that

to impress the

atmosphere first no

doing it no just

banging did you know astronauts can’t burp in space

astronauts cannot burp in

space and why is that

i don’t know it’s a fact though

really yeah

oh it’s not physically possible no it’s not

physically possible then you can’t be good to stay in

space huh that

cannot be good for you when you’re at zero altitude

apparently it plays

all sorts of

havoc with your bones like your bones get real brittle

and shit they get like you know they get thin and your

you lose all your muscle because you’re not resisting

you know it’s like you

you you come down to

earth it’s like you’re all fucked

up man it’s like you’ve been in bed for a year you know

yeah it’s pretty

crazy like you have

to like recover it takes a long ass time to recover

i can’t imagine

you know you

can’t cry on

space properly

so how the fuck are they ever

gonna have it so that people can go

i mean how what’s the longest that a person’s been in a

space station is like

a year have they done a year up there by themselves

who’s done the law i don’t

think so no

i have no idea

we should find out

how are they

gonna because

like when you see like shows like battlestar galactica

and shit people are

traveling across

the galaxy it’s like a cool it’s like a mall

it’s like make

gravity do you make fake gravity on

the ship is that possible can they do that

can you make fake gravity

until they make fake gravity how the fuck just

that fake gravity with the jets you know

where they free fall

yeah or that’s fake

no gravity oh

right right

we need to do it backwards

hmm or do you adjust it like the temperature in the

house so you can like go it’s

there’s a little

too much gravity here there’s a little too less

and there’s a dial just on the wall that

kirk can just go and turn up

and people float a little bit easier hmm

good question

spacex that’s

not a good question it was a good question both me and

brian been like wow what a good question

you’re taking

credit for something that was not that good fellow

did you know

venus is the only planet that rotates

clockwise holy shit

check this dude out

this guy has been up there for 748 days ooh

whoa i bet he’s

crazy oh no no

cumulative time in

space ever oh okay

you cunts i

think there’s guys

they drop them off to

space station

and left them up there

in other countries yeah because it’s not what the

space shuttle does is go up and give those guys

like help them out and

well yeah they

leave them up there for a few

months that’s

gotta be so hard

i mean i’ve been in

gas stations

in the middle of the country

where dudes i

think are equally as trapped

well they don’t move around much

up there either you know there’s not like a lot of room

it’s not like you know you’re up

in like a hotel room in the sky

like no you’re in like

these fucking tubes

what happens if you go causally crazy

you can you know

there was one

there was an

issue where they were talking

about having a gun on board

and whether or not they

should have a gun on

case they had

to shoot someone

should look up that

gun on space what if all the

crazy youtube

commentators or just astronauts that have gone

crazy up in

space is being assholes

cause they’re what

fuck this video

space station crew can access a gun yeah

yeah i have a gun up there man

they have a gun up there in case anybody goes looney

case some dude goes like fucking

event horizon and pulls his eyeballs out

starts screaming

latin at you

you ever see that movie

yeah they went

into they went through some fucking wormhole and

it’s like some futuristic

science fiction horror movie

and it’s with

the dude from jurassic park i forget his name

but it’s kind of fun it’s kind of

stupid fun you know

stupid fun space horror movie and

he goes naughty

i was gone did you see that

video of that cop that

this guy was robbing like a cvs

cop comes in just to get something in the

standing behind him and then realizes what he’s doing

i’ve seen him

i think it’s new

no where’s that it’s out of here

here’s the deal with the gun

the the russians have the gun

those motherfuckers

every this is how it goes on the spaces

every spacecraft

carry survival gear for

crash landing and the russian sues

s o y u z i don’t know how to say that suez suez

has a kit that includes a gun

russians leave it to russians

they’re smart man like why fuck around

pulling a gun

we have a gun and a kettlebell if you don’t need it

you have it

better that

than to need it and not have it

the gun has been there for as long as

space station has been in

orbit its existence has been kept secret

nasa and russian officials won’t talk publicly about it

that’s funny

you can’t talk

about the fact that people

might go crazy

because then you

plant that little seed out there and then they

could possibly go crazy

very tricky right

hmm no right

that’s not you know you got to be

tricky man you don’t

wanna you wanna

plant the seed

you want to say everyone who’s done this mission

has found it

invigorated

they come back and

write a book any

fears of claustrophobia were really gone by the

first couple of days

pre framing before you saw

the view is so

spectacular i guarantee you you’re just

gonna have a

smile on your face

all day don’t forget to take

pictures that you’re there

and then there

you are in day two you’re like oh my god i’m

stuck up here for a six months gun

what the fuck

we’re going in the closet

chinese guy

keeps fucking with the guy i want to kill with

these chopsticks

don’t forget

about the gun fucking ears

there’s a gun on this

there is a gun you

gotta make sure that a

bullet only goes through him though and not through the

hull tell them all

how do you shoot a gun in

space what if you blow a hole through the wall

doesn’t everything explode

i mean aren’t you

going like fucking 3

000 miles an hour or something

crazy that’s what i

think when you’re on an airplane

if you should have

gone in an airplane

yes you know what else drives me

crazy about the

space station my seat up there i go

wouldn’t you

think constantly

that you’re

gonna get hit by a meteor or an asteroid

i guess there’s a lot of

stuff up there dude i

would be fucking

freaking figured i mean if they figured out how to

avoid it i don’t

think there’s been an instance

where anybody’s gotten hurt

but if you look at the

night and you see like

shooting stars

those are fucking just rocks

from not not

getting by that stuff

have one guy just on thruster just like a video game

ago here come

they don’t see

those things

until their weight

it’s till it’s way too late in the darkness of space

you don’t see things

like you you can’t just look out for it

you know in little ones

micro meteors

they’re like little fucking

grains of sand that’ll go

right through

metal you know

how do you not

get it but i don’t know i don’t know how they

avoid that somehow or another

maybe they just roll the dice and hope

everything’s

gonna be okay

but if they got caught some sort of meteorite

shower and it just hit the

right spot like oh man that

thing can get fucked up

hmm and i only

don’t have like

force fields

no you don’t have

force fields

so that’s not

the idea of us getting

wiped out by a meteor seems

so alien seems impossible it seems so stupid

like to even

bring it up is like

you think you really worried that people

would get wiped out by a meteor impact or an asteroid

impact really does that really bother you that much

but then you know that it’s happened like all

these times throughout the history of the

earth like why

wouldn’t we be

thinking about that why the fuck do we

think that we’re immune to all the shit that has

definitely happened before

right you know we just keep

going through like

we’re gonna be fine don’t

worry about meteors

come on man

in one sense is true you can’t live your life worrying

about meteors

because then you

waste your whole life and you’re an old man on your

deathbed going fuck

not a single media

and then you die

and then you know

and you go god i

could have had a goddamn

party if i just ignore

those meteors

but that’s like with

everything anyone that focuses

their time on that is

ridiculous like did you see that

story of the lady

was just driving with her

whole family

and like the car in

front of her

like hit a pot

what it was pothole

that they fix but

they didn’t fix it all the way and so when the car in

front of it hits it

it made the concrete fly

and it went

right through

the windshield of the car behind him and just

woman’s face

smashed gone

and she died instantly and it’s like

that’s like a meteor

you know if you were worrying

about a meteor

the same thing

would have happened you’d just be dead you know

why would you be so concerned

turned about meteors

killing you you know when anything can kill that’s some

strong logic there brian

i like the way you said that

oh yeah i mean i mean i’m not really worried

about meteors

i don’t think anybody

would be or

could be right

you can’t really you

can’t even intellectualize it that’s what i’m saying

it’s like the idea is so

alien to us it seems like

it’s fiction

it seems ridiculous even though it’s

absolutely true

we’ll probably be hit by mexico before we be hit by

a meteor i think the

aliens are coming first

for anything happens

they’re coming to save us john efron

john efron you believe in aliens

i would say yes

there’s got to be we can’t i think it’s

we can’t be

like once we

most likely

but do you think they’ve ever been here

um i would like to

think so don’t know

i mean you watch all the the pyramid

stuff and then you

see people try to create and you go okay how was that

yeah but that

doesn’t mean

the most likely

scenario for the pyramids is not that if

you go into it

the most likely scenario

which is really fascinating

is that they were an incredibly incredibly advanced

civilization

and that somehow another they fell

from that high

level of advancement

and became became

rather ordinary

which is how

egypt is now

that’s actually

even more fascinating that it was attained by

human beings

that something happened

whether it’s you know

people just kept i mean my joke that i

still my act is that all this

the dumb people out fuck the

smart people and there’s no

smart people left and they

wonder what their

version of keeping up with the

kardashians was cause

maybe something

like that happened and then so they were

gonna be the

super smart race then

bam the hasselhoff

you blaming

keeping up with the

kardashians or

those type of shows

those shows are just a symptom

they’re a symptom of the rot

but what was

their version of that like

maybe there was a guy who stood

in front of a

college i think they

were super dumb

things and people listened to him and then

they stopped i

think most likely

the egyptians were

super advanced

but they were advanced in a

completely different direction than were advanced

you know we’ve

spent all this time

working on computers and working on

technology and working on

the ability to

split the atom and nuclear

power and all this crazy shit

whereas i think they

spent a lot of

their science and

their ideas on

studying the cosmos and they had all these

wacky ideas

about the afterlife and the

human body and

they were fascinating as far as

their ability to

make objects and construct

things that

were so much more advanced than anybody else near them

anybody else anywhere else in the

world of time they were making

these incredible incredible fucking

structures like the

great pyramid two million

three hundred thousand stones

means some people

think they poured them with

concrete they made concrete out of them some people

think they were cut whatever the fuck they did

i mean the fact that anybody was able to do that

at least a few thousand years ago

they think it’s 2

500 bc but there’s some

other people like john anthony west

that think that

the oldest part of

egypt is even

older than that

there’s some

structures that they found

under the sand

that predate even the construction of the

great pyramids that are

these amazing

you know stone

structures and the ideas that

there was a

civilization there

thousands and thousands and thousands of years ago

maybe even 30 000 years a really

super advanced

civilization

and that there was a few of

these all over the world

but some shit happened

some shit went down

whether it’s a meteor

or whether it’s you know some

crazy super volcano or

some massive fucking disease that killed everybody

hmm the weird

thing is you’re from detroit

right the weird

thing is when

civilizations fall

apart it does not take long for the fucking

earth to take back the land

you know detroit

has a huge issue now with

first of all

bears in some of the outlying cities

the outlying

towns bears have

started moving into towns

because there’s so few

houses cause the

houses are broken down and all

these houses

there was like a website that was

dedicated to it all

these houses

where trees are

growing through the fucking

the front floor and the

porch is getting

eaten up by trees

it’s like nature has just

taken over that shit over in a couple of decades

not even yeah and that’s the thing

about detroit it’s not even a

scary city in the

sense that there’s a lot of people there it’s so

ghost county

and you can go for subdivision

because they were trying to do a lot of that

urban farming

where they were just

gonna blow up subdivisions and

start putting

greenhouses

and going let’s just

start growing

stuff in the middle of the city

wow they’re really

gonna turn it

back into the country that’s what they’re doing

how nutty is that yeah like urban

there’s so few people there that that’s like actually a

legit move yeah

yeah just tear down the

houses and build huge

greenhouses and just do it right

cause now they can do that with soil and they can just

yeah or that’s why i have to eat you know

well we were there

nice pot well we were there for the

well that would

definitely help them

you know what’s going on

when we were there for the

ufc they said it’s 33

unemployment rate in detroit yeah

33 that’s insane

yep one out of

that’s insane

shows you what

those auto jobs

did what one auto job did you know

that’s amazing one out of

three is unemployed

you guys one of them is out of

work that’s amazing and when you go there it’s such a

weird vibe that it

obviously so that everybody has that

mentality everybody just feels like all my you know my

whole family and everyone i went to high

school with and college

all has that

we’ve been beat on mentality

like doom but

still way better off than

third world

countries you know if everybody just

moved in together and you

know and had

let i mean if

two out of three are working

that’s still way better than

guatemala you

know if everybody had like a real

sense of community

and hoarded

it all together

and got all the family together and they all

ate meals together and they all shared wealth

you know it’s just

it would be fine it’s

still a first

world country it’s

still america but

nobody wants to live like that everybody

wants to have

their own fucking parking

spot and you know

in one sense i

understand i mean

everybody used to have it just a little while ago

but another sense

no matter how bad detroit is you

know it’s not fucking peru

you know you know what i mean

there’s some spots in this

you know there’s

some spots in this this country or this this map rather

where you know you can go to

countries where

they’re just fucked man

they’re never

gonna get out of this hole

there’s just poverty

and everywhere you go there’s

you know these factories

that are popping up out of nowhere and they’re

polluting the

rivers and there’s

no jobs and there’s no fucking future and no hope

just sadness

so detroit not that fucking bad

you know and obviously

at a good goddamn time

still america

yeah yeah i went to this bar the

other day called bar sinister have you ever been

to it joe it’s a bondage bar

i’ve never been to a bondage bar before what

are you doing when you’re not with me i’m

gonna lose you

but there was a there

was a there was a

party you’re

gonna get raped

i know those

places there was

there was a

party though and it was pretty

sweet that but you walk in and there’s like

these like handcuffs

and just people normal girls like oh my god haha

i’m at this bar

they get tied up in

these guys with whips come out and just start

spanking them

they’re just like oh my god yeah you know they were

normal girls

guess what those aren’t normal girls yeah

well i mean normal girls don’t lie

the handcuff

they look like

they look like fucking snow white

these girls

are like they were just like oh my god we’re out of

you know like tourists

that’s what

they look like okay and

it was the greatest

thing ever man so

you think they got caught up in the moment or do you

think that’s like

everything they

were totally

loving it and it was just

chicks it was kind of like the

crowd that you

would see like dimples

when you do karaoke

where it’s just a

bunch of girls there to

party and have fun

it was like that is dimples

nipples is a

thing that john used to be

the master he would go

every weekend

when he was

it was by my

house in burbank it just

you see it on a lot of tv shows it’s like the

first karaoke bar in the country and it’s

i mean that’s

where britney

spears got busted for doing like a lot of

famous people go there it’s the diviest

that’s what i

wrote you bar

story happened and

yeah but i used to live

right there i

spent christmas eve there once i

spent christmas there once you

make me sad bro

no dancing by yourself

he rocked george michael was your

thing right yeah yeah

me and nobody would sing

what’s the song

you would sing last christmas

well he would sing

cause he’s from

wherever george michael’s from so he

sounds exactly like them

george michael so i

would just be

up there and the people are like you guys are so good

keep in mind dude i was 24

years old when all

these stories i was like

seeing little george michael

you were the guy you were trying hard at karaoke

you were the

guard no karaoke

scares me to death

i literally will have a

panic attack before i get on

stage and sing

unless there’s like

five other people with me then i can just be the

guy who gets lost in the back so what are you talking

about then but i

would go on

stage right

and then you know

cause i’m still

and then you’d sing a song

it was either this one or

in the funny

thing you would do this in july

it’s a good song

sing it for us

john no i never

really like this comes on the

radio are you

gonna change it

um to be honest i

would probably leave it on

i would have to i

can go from eminem to this to sevendust

i would have to be really really high

to listen to this

yeah really high

i would have to

be so high that i shouldn’t be driving or there was no

other cars around you

while you were driving

i have to be so high

it was by myself at an airport

cuddled up in the corner with the ipod

going what is this doing on here

that’s what the song is this is how you

renew the pot cards in los angeles

the guy plays this song and goes do you like this

and then if you go

yeah i’m kinda into it

here’s your card

this is this is one of

those songs you

find in your ipod and you really go what the fuck was

going on how

about you at the gym and somebody

ask you a question when you take it out of your ears

this is what they hear

do you ever um

press shuffle and get embarrassed by your

collection of shit

yeah that you have

yeah i have some

i have some

songs that i’m not sure if i bought them as a goof

or you’re in

a mood sometimes they just don’t know

you know how many times

have we been on the road and we’d go to like a record

store and you just buy the most

ridiculous cds just because you and joey diaz

started talking

about in the car

next thing you know you have mc

hammer or the

ghostbuster to soundtrack

hey track four is legit

my proto i’m back on my back and display

joey diaz will get me

excited about

music that’s the truth

joey diaz starts talking about pink

floyd you want to move to england like what

where were they what’s the neighborhood

what’s the street like i drive in the left hand side

i’m fucking moving man

we’re just gonna

sit and listen to it all day listen me cocks like a

david gilmore 1972

dirty white boys in england

these dirty

motherfuckers

coming up with the

greatest music

the world has ever known

the world has ever known dog

i’ll give you the fucking address

1826 lancaster street

you’re like i

gotta get on a plane

i’ve gotta go

i’ve gotta find my destiny

the craziest

thing with joey when he talks about

music is sometimes he’ll just

break out somebody’s

name and i’m like no way that’s a good song

music no it’s john

test and the pointer

sisters they’re doing a duet

you’re like

no way is that good and he puts it on and it’s great

oh he’s got a knowledge for it

well all he does is

smoke weed and sit around and come up with shit yeah

you know i mean that’s what he does he

smokes weed he

watches clint

eastwood movies

he smokes weed he watches

steve mcqueen movies

he smokes weed he listens to

music he smokes weed he

writes jokes

have you seen

black swan yet

what is that

it’s a new horror

movie or suspense

movie called

black swan and everyone that

has seen it has told me that is the craziest

movie of the year you

gotta see it insane

what’s upright

you haven’t

heard about it no i

haven’t heard anything it’s called

black swan i think it’s

black swan let me double

check but i’m pretty sure it’s

black swan wow

why haven’t i

heard anything man

i don’t know man yeah it’s

black swan here

check out this trailer

of this movie

this is pretty

crazy yes a

freak me out

black swan is this an american film yeah

we’re gonna play you the

video ladies and gentlemen even though you can’t see it

it’s a green band trailer

it’s restricted

i had the craziest dream last night

about a girl who was turned into a swan

but her prince falls for the wrong girl and

she kills herself

he promised to feature me more this season

well he should you’ve been there long enough

and you’re the most dedicated dancer in the company

or new swan queen the exquisite nina sers

and lily you’re gonna be amazing

how much the way she moves

central she’s not faking it

these are all hot

useless attack it

come on they going through ballet class here

sweet girl it’s about to get crazy on my touch smoke

something was hot for teacher

i don’t want to talk about that

we really need to relax

shut up meg

it’s the role isn’t it it’s

all this pressure i knew it’d be too much i knew it

what’s she doing here he made me your ultimate

the only person

standing in your way is you

how do you know where i live i have my ways

whoa lesbo shit yeah oh they’re going at it

hot such a hard movie where are they

please believe me

what happened to my sweet girl she’s gone

where’d she go

are you sure this is the hard way we did yeah

i heard it’s really fucked up too yeah

yeah i think that the rotten tomatoes

score is like 83

they’re not gonna show you any monsters

look her eyes oh what’s going on there i don’t know

she’s turning into a swan

really i don’t know when’s this come out it’s out

right now what yeah it’s been god

damn it dude it’s been going crazy wanna go tonight

wanna go tonight uh

i can’t tonight

i got standard comedy to do oh really

that’s sal’s

sal’s by the way at sunday i’m having a little comedy

show at sal’s it’s gonna be open mic

mixed with comics like

like regular

comics yeah okay it’s gonna be a lottery

system so yeah i might come down yeah check out

sounds feeling better new sounds on melrose avenue

melrose in what

it says vienna cafe it’s a yellow awning

right across the street from

7 eleven i don’t know the

cross street offhand but it’s on melrose

yeah it’s on melrose

east or west of the

improv if you’re north east

south of the improv isn’t that right

south no because they’re on the same

street and the street

goes east to west okay if you’re facing the improv

you turn left and you

go down okay

so that’s east east

yeah i think

yeah yeah they

right 88 percent

for black swan on rotten tomatoes damn

that’s pretty strong

and it’s out

right now it’s out

right now it’s that cool

i heard it was fucking badass whoa

i also heard that fighter

movie was really good i

heard that’s really good too yeah

that’s the one i

wanna go christian bale man

that guy there’s

dudes who like

they do something

when they get a role

you know that completely

transforms their body

but nobody does it like that fucking guy

did you ever see the machinist

yeah how do

those guys change

their body so much what did you see the machinist

you know what he did no

do you know what i’m talking

about full blown

machinist was a

movie where he yeah got

super skinny

right yeah okay

he was eating like an

apple and a can of tuna a day that’s it

and he literally

got he probably fucked up his body

oh yeah like

when you do something

like that you probably take years off your life

you probably damage your

organs like what he did was extreme

dream like really almost like he looked like a monster

you know like he would

he would like make like little

crazy like right

you know gestures and there’s

photos and videos of it all

online like people use it as avatars on message boards

just because it’s so fucking creepy man

there’s there’s dudes that are willing to go that

extra mile he’s one of them man

then how does he get big enough to be batman

just get on the

juice son yeah

start doing some squats

eat some burgers

i don’t know i mean i

guess if you rehydrate

i guess like how long would it take you

to get back to your normal

self it would take months

it would definitely take months

months and months and you would have to do it slowly

you know your body just sound when you

starve it like that your body like would not be very

receptive to weightlifting or anything either

you’re probably probably so freaked out

you know you’re probably trying to like try not

to die yeah

yeah no shit hmm

all right then i won’t do it then don’t do that dude

would you do that if you ever got a

movie so i said john heffron

who want you to be in this

movie but you got to play this

crackhead you got to lose like a hundred pounds

you gotta look all fucked up when i

scratch you up

my whole life ever since i wrestled ninety

eight pounds then one o five i just kept telling myself

i rule the world if i’m one

sixty i rule the world if i’m one seventy

now i’m like

one eighty i’m like i need to get back to one

seventy my face is

round and fat

too many zingers

losing weight in high

school for wrestling

i did it for

wrestling and i did it for taekwondo it’s

just stupidest

thing in high

school have people

that are growing and they’re they’re getting them to do

stuff to their body and and cut weight

so bad for you luckily i was always little so i

never had to cut i mean i was that

small anyway

yeah but you can cut anything

i never did oh really yeah i

never i’ve always had us cut everybody cut weight

i was always like four pounds

under whatever

weight class so i

never was like i’m going down

my friend anthony used to lose an insane amount

every year and he always talks

about how he

would just eat

everybody he’s italian

his whole family beaten

pasta and he’d

be sitting there with a cup of shaved ice

and that’s what he was allowed to eat

you know just

cause he had to drop all this weight

like even the

nutrition and how to do that stuff has

changed over the last ten

twenty years so even what

even when we were in school

oh yeah the

ufc guys have it down to a science yeah

they can go and

still eat a lot and get

strong and add muscle

and still lose weight it’s

crazy like these

american top team guys have

never seen anything like it

these guys somehow or another i don’t know what they do

they just have it down to like an art form

they know how to get these guys

they get them to cut like 20

pounds over the course of a few days

and it’s not that long

it’s a pretty

short amount of time they do it in

and then the guys

weigh in and then they balloon them back up

they gain like 15

pounds 15 20 pounds

yeah we walked in once on

tiago alvez

he was in the gym at the palms

and it was the day he was fighting

and they had him the day of the fight

they had him

going through all these

shadow boxing moves

like go go go go go go

he was burning like he was trying to

put all this

glycogen depletion out of his muscles and then he

would give him some sort of a

drink and the

drink was like this carbohydrate

drink that refueled

all the muscles so the muscles got back to full size

so that was the idea

is that you make them

work and then when you make them work a little bit it

allows them to take in more moisture more

water and they get

thicker more sugar

yeah these guys

they have it

down to an art form and so they have

these guys like

you know glacent tebow is

he’s the biggest

155 pound fighter on the planet

right he’s one of

those guys where you look at him and you go

how the fuck is that guy 155

well he’s not

he’s only 155 for like an hour

you know he’s

155 he gets down to the weight he

weighs in and then they give him a little pedialyte

and then they

give him bags of iv like most guys use ivs now

you know that’s the

smart way to do it to get

water back in your system

they need to have iv

places for people who

leave bars that are like really

boost up where you can just plug in

and feel good

yeah but it’s in

your blood man

ain’t that simple you’re fucked you know it’s

gotta go through your whole

system you know there’s no

shortcut to sobering up i don’t

think they can do that with an iv

yeah if they

could that would be the shit or the next day

how about that when when you know when you feel

super super

bad well you

could do that you

could go the next

banana bag or something

pop into like a

jiffy lube sit there for fifteen minutes get

plugged in if you went to a place

you know that

could rehydrate you with like a vitamin drip and an iv

and sugar water iv you

could totally do that

what you doing

you know why not

why not do that man

plug in sit there

yeah delicious

have that like

hangover stations in vegas

you know but

the problem is people don’t want to get needles man

going to stick some

fucking needle in my arm whoa i’m fine man i’ll just

drink some water

depends on how

screwed up you got the

night before

but isn’t that the main thing with

with hangovers isn’t it dehydration

isn’t that what’s

really fucking you yeah it’s you just yeah your body is

depleted from all that stuff so

put it back in

powerful liquor

that’s why at the end of the

night i usually

switch to beer and

water for like the last couple beers

and then after that

that’s really

smart you should

pound water when you get home too

just force yourself to

drink way more than you want to just

pound it pound it

yeah you know

speaking of

vegas speaking of

pounded it february 4th

me joe diaz and ari

shafir at the

mandalay bay theater

is the day before the

super bowl weekend ufc

give me a sick

ufc to anderson

silva’s fighting

vitor belfort

and that’s gonna be

off the chain and i’m sure there’s a

great supporting cast as well

i don’t know the full card yet

you know it’s kind of

when they’re in february i always

think like man

anything can happen between now and february you know

mma guys get injured so

often speak

am i i’ve heard your

voice almost

every night this week for

three hours

oh yeah you’ve been

getting into

ufcs lately

i just know i just got

two thousand ten

all the game yeah

i just game flight it and it came

so then on the new one now

yeah i was supposed

to work this week but i can’t because of my voice

and then i created john heffrind

a 180 pounder

look at you i thought you wanted to be

170 is it easy to

learn i heard it’s really hard

i heard the controls are pretty hard to

master i button

smashed for a

while now i got one or two moves but i

swear playing the

video game but i

think it’s all how you visualize stuff

that you actually

learn you can

learn some ground stuff

by doing it on the

video game 100

really like actual moves

oh here somebody put on the message

board somebody put some

photos of christian bale

look at those pictures

look at that one on the left my

stuff yeah fuck dude

god damn he’s

crazy i did it

again for this

movie too he got

super skinny for this

movie too hmm

to play crackhead

why don’t you just get like a cool

one when you can eat a lot and just become a fat slob

well that’s fine that role

that’s what de niro used to do

or even a matt damon

did it didn’t he did he

for his last one

where it’s like

he’s a cia agent but

maybe it’s kind of supposed to be

funny not serious

where he gained

really yeah and you just

ate a lot of

pasta and donuts it just

got really out

is that the

movie about the dude who’s like

some sort of

liar yeah the informant

that was actually a good move yeah yeah i didn’t see

it yes i didn’t why do you have to gain weight for that

i think you

did though really just because this guy wanted to be

doughy yeah huh yep

that’s actually fine yeah

stallone did that once too

remember that he did that for cop

land he gained a gut and everybody’s like wow

so fast yeah

that was a good

maybe yeah but i

think that you have ca

going through

some of the ground

stuff then in your

brain you kind of

learn okay hmm

you think that’s how you do

you think you’ve actually

applied something that you

learned from the game to

sparring session have you done that

i think you

would have you

no no but i

think people do all the time

what are fights like in

school now do you

think how many kids

know you got to eat an mma

you know i mean

fighting is so much more of a part of our

culture now than it was

just a couple of decades ago even that

even go ten years ago do you

think anybody in that’s a

just a regular you know

non lethal just

fight with everything

about throwing a knee

nobody would

nobody would

everybody was head hunters

but now i’ve seen youtube

fights where guys clinch

and throne that’s

strictly from

watching ufc oh yeah

strictly from just seeing it

going oh that

exists let me

bring that into my

repertoire yeah

yeah it seems like a move that anybody can do too

you know it’s not like a

giant flying head kick you know it seems pretty simple

i even grab the guy and you

throw your knee up and you hit him you know

it’s not like they’re complicated yeah

or and you already got a hold of them

yeah or even

dirty or clinching or

dirty by holding that and

stuff like that yeah a lot of that’s

going i watch a youtube

fight where this guy

have you seen the

break one when

the guy just says put me out it’s this kid

he’s got really baggy pants

he’s just telling this guy let’s go let’s go

he says put me out he go

yeah put me down

he’s like telling the guy to

knock him out okay but his hands are already

does the guy

knock him out yeah yeah it’s awesome

really they’re two really

skinny kids and then

he almost like

is it a is it a fight

no they’re on the

street one guy

saying or is it a fight

no it’s a fight

okay and one guy’s got like a

phone which

i have but it i took it off here

i have a video

when i was in

grand rapids

this guy was trying to

fight he fought a couple guy this guy has like a

sweater on puts his hand in his pocket

and starts walking over to him

grabs them right

spins around

throws in a rear naked

choke when he’s on top

so this guy obviously knows

some type of

fighting because he was way

too cocky you don’t put

you know so he’s got a rear naked

choke on the guy

jumps up in the air

and knocks out the guy’s leg so

you know wants to fall down with him

but he’s got his back he’s standing

the guy now who

had the rear

naked choking

falls to the

ground because he pulls the guy on top of him

smashes his head

onto the cement

cause they’re in the middle of the

street oh shit

now loses a

thing pretty much is knocked

unconscious and that guy rolls on top of them and just

starts wailing them

and i had it on my

phone up until

i was in the middle then a huge

fight broke out

and then i decide to put my phone away

um like why

would that guy

think the pull guard

you hear me

cause that’s also from

watching kind of ufc

where you go you know that i

would have just stayed

standing and would have

choked the guy out from standing

he just fucked up

yeah yeah it’s like

it was the craziest

thing i’ve ever seen i’m like wow that guy just

he did a duck

under you know so he goes to grab

ducks under

then throws in the

choke and the guy then jumps up

and pulls the guy

right on top there’s so

many street

fights now on

fucking cell

phone cameras

i love watching

i just like

watching him to see

what guys do in there

but the other one i saw this guy

throws a knee

and then the guy

like blocked the knee

you know put

kind of did that

little you know handout thing

but you know they didn’t know how to

fight john from

for the itunes listener

john was just moving his hands left and right what

cause he was like saying

he was taking his knee over here

oh for the itunes

there’s been

i’m trying this i

haven’t rolled or done anything in

forever but there was this guy on youtube that showed a

thing so he’s on his back

reaches up grabs the guy’s

head and arm you know and pulls them

close and then sweeps them

right i’m like oh that seems like a pretty cool sweep

to know with basic

i don’t know how practical it is

when you basically just reach up grab the guy’s head

pull him in and then

plant a foot and then it’s all good as long

as he doesn’t know what he’s doing

but i’ve just been running that in my head over and

over again this is what you

gotta do and then i need to do a

class go to a goddamn jiu jitsu class

this is what kung fu people do

they sit down and they go

well if i grabbed you like this

and then i got your arm right here and then i’ll

throw you on the ground

and then they’ll

practice doing that over and over again

well that’s not how you do it the way you do it is you

gotta try it on somebody

i remember if you

don’t try it on somebody you’ve got some nonsense move

that you don’t really know what’s

gonna happen if a guy defends

cause you have to learn

what about if the guy grabs me here oh if he grabs

me here i’m fucked okay so i have to stop him from

grabbing me here

and then i have to make sure that this leg

doesn’t get past this leg

cause if it does then i’m fucked

again i remember when we did that

tour together a couple years ago

the tate was with us and some

guy and some guy was saying

yeah you just do this and you

break the guy’s leg

and tate just goes off and goes really

how do you know

do you have a room full of

small chinese boys that you

break their legs in practice you’ve

never broken a leg that way have you ever seen anybody

who’s broke

it was so funny

how do you know how do you know that you don’t know

so don’t say it’s

gonna break that’s a really good

impression of

tate i know right

that’s really good that’s like the best

impression of

tate i’ve ever

heard it’s totally true

tate and i were in

i think i’ve told this

story before but i’ll tell it anyway

tate and i were in a

hotel in vegas

and some big douchebag

this guy was really and

tate is huge right

tate is like six foot three

he walks around like

235 and he’s got a shaved head

and you just look

yeah you just look at him

and you go that’s probably not the guy in there my man

he looks like a killer

right and he’s

a nice guy but you know but people will fuck with him

even though he’s this big it’s so

ridiculous this fucking kid

was like a frat boy he looked like he was

about like six foot six

handsome fella

drunk off his ass

right but he was being really really

aggressive and

he’s telling

tate that that wasn’t his room

tate was like

looking for his keys like that’s my room bro

why are you

going to my room

and tate was like looking

at this guy’s like no i’m pretty sure it’s my room

and he sticks the key and they like

tate was being really friendly

about it and the key works he goes up see it’s my room

so he goes in

take it easy and shuts the door

and once he gets inside

my room is right next to him

i hear bang bang

bang i hear

pounding on his door right so

we go out into the hallway

and the guy is

pounding on his door

and the guys like fucking pussy

fucking shut that door in my face

i told you that’s my fucking room

it was like craziness it was like oh no what is

gonna happen here

and tate was like oh yeah yeah big guy is that what’s

going on this is your fucking room huh

and the guys

like what you fuck up kick your fucking ass bitch

saying all this

crazy shit so

tate says come on man

come on take a

swing at me

and the guy like

doesn’t know what to do

doesn’t know

where to go

and so he moved there was a lot of john back and forth

before all that happens but i’m cut to the chase

the chase was the guy steps forward

tate leg kicks him

and then pulls

guard on the dude

so he’s got this guy on top of them

in in the lobby

and he’s got them in what’s called an

oma plata which is got him in the

shoulder lock position

and right when he gets him down he’s got him this

oma plata the security guys show up

stop hey stop stop the fight

are you that guy from fear factor

i go yeah yeah don’t

worry about this this guy’s not

gonna get hurt i go he’s

gonna be fine

he’s just gonna get choked

unconscious this guy’s an asshole

so then tate hears that he goes well i

guess i’m choking him

unconscious

so tate sinks a rear naked

choke on him and puts him totally asleep

doesn’t hit him

doesn’t hurt him

the guy doesn’t have a scratch on him

the guy’s face down in the carpet

unconscious

snoring his friends come grab him

apologize pick the guy up

put the guy in an elevator

the elevator door

closes and he goes out of our life forever

he just vanished by the way

thank god yeah well he was just so embarrassed

and he probably didn’t even know what the fuck happened

the guy was so

drunk and so

stupid yeah

this is my room he

never did anything to him

they did not hurt him

and he did not hurt him at all he just

incapacitated him

taught him a

quick lesson

and his friends were so happy

cause his friends

were like regular size dudes this guy was this

giant guy and this guy was a

giant douche

you know so in the

whole daily

probably had to deal with that you know nice

everybody wherever he goes what

the fuck you looking at bitch

he’s just one of those guys

and so he fucked with the wrong dude

i mean it’s like

karma just led him to take right

the universe but you know what we need to make a little

shift on how you view life

we’re gonna

drop you off at floor five

you’ve been

treating people like shit for

a long time

son we’re gonna throw something in your life that’s

gonna push you in a different direction

yeah he became a yoga teacher after that

really tried to find a center

fine you back with

the goggles yeah i like the goggles it’s a cool look

you know what i like

about goggles

when you you know i always wondered like i

watched al pacino get interviewed the other day

and he got interviewed

and he kept his sunglasses on the

whole interview he’s talking to larry king

like what kind of

nonsense is that i like it is it is it hot in the room

or is it bright in the

room or something like why do you have sunglasses on

and he was talking

about i was so shy he wears sunglasses

because he can’t even look people in the eyes like

is that it or do they like

it’s really easy to pretend

that you’re living in a

movie and that life is like some

crazy fucking

thing that you’ve

created when you’re looking through goggles

you know yeah

i like wearing

sunglasses all the time dude yeah i just i

never were i just

i like my eyes to be as

relaxed as possible at

nighttime indoors not at

nighttime indoors so much but hey you’re bonded by

doors huh you wear them indoors

like if i’m at a restaurant and it’s during the day

and it’s like bright in the restaurant i’ll wear it

once in a while i’ll wear mason what

if you’re having

a conversation with somebody you take them off

right if they’re wearing

glasses too

so you just

just go with it yeah

i don’t like i don’t like i don’t like squinting

i hate squinting

cause i squint on the computer all the time so

i like my i like to massage my eyes when i when i can

so it’s not a matter of looking cool

no not at all

no it’s relaxation of the eyes

you want your eyes to have some

shade on them right hmm

interesting yeah

like if i’m

at the olive garden i don’t want to see the decor

i don’t give a shit

about the paintings and

stuff like that hey

your family

when you eat at the olive garden family

do you eat at the olive garden fuck yeah when you

gotta eat there you gotta eat there bro

if it’s close and you’re hungry

it’s not a bad choice

are the breadsticks still good i

don’t even come

across the only problem with the

olive garden is is that lately their

salads are half the size that used to be so

they’ll still refill them all you want but they’re like

they take longer to get now and they’re half

the size so they’re trying to fill you up so you get

full faster so you won’t get more

salads they’re

trying to get you full by giving you less salad

yeah because

they’re giving you half as much

and so you eat it

and then you have to flag down the

waiter to get you another one

that’s a half one

you know so that’s one full regular old

school salad

that that took

twice as long to go through

and the whole time you’re sitting there getting full

is that a sign of the economy

brian that makes more

salads i believe

soup i can’t

believe this

is something that’s

troubling you so because

there’s an olive garden

fanatic you

could tell like nowadays wait a

minute wait a

minute wait a

minute you’re an

olive garden

fanatic fuck yeah i love the

olive garden

are you like one of

those fandango dudes it’s got like a little

i’m actually i just

i don’t care that much about the

olive garden

but i go there a lot but

you’ll notice

it if you go to the salad

yeah i do i’m a yup

elite but if you go to the salad

if you go to this if you look at the

salad it’s a lot

smaller now how do you become a

yup yup elite

you get chosen

what is yelp

elite yeah and hopefully i just had

to put in my application to become the 2011 yelp elite

but hopefully

they pass me so if you’re listening yelpers

what does that mean bro what are you doing they’re

going to stadium and it’s 12 guys look i get this other

badge that most people don’t have on yelp so

just check it out go to my profile and

tell me what’s

going on with yelp what do you yeah i don’t even

running around reviewing

things all day

no no once in a

while or review something you say how many reviews

do you have on your account not that many

i don’t do it that

much anymore because i’m so busy what’s not that many

50 here i’ll tell you hold on a hundred

yeah big enough to get a yelp

elite yeah what does that mean bro i

think you’re being very

sketchy with my yelp

status yelp

elite pretty much only means that

that your reviews get pushed up higher than the

other guys i

think being

modest brian

and that you

could have invited to yelp parties which is

a great time

yelp parties i have ninety five reviews

wow that’s a lot of reviews kid

but i’ve been doing it

since two thousand six or two thousand

seven or something damn

he just go into whatever restaurant

store just whatever it is and go

and the customer service were okay

yeah exactly i do it for

i’m a member of the

media have you

heard like bloggers calling themselves the media

that’s what it gets hilarious

right you know it was a

member of as a

member of the

media like whoa what

right but i

guess they are

right i mean what the fuck is the difference

i mean at a certain

point in time

we have to make some sort of a distinction because

every douchebag that has a website can’t be in the team

you know there’s some people that are

absolutely terrible at it like you have to like

if you were

a member of the

media a writer for say the new york times

they had standards

by the time

you got to the new york times you were a certain

caliber of journalist

but any asshole could just

start a fucking blog and

basically now it’s all the same thing

you have just

as much of a possibility of getting your shit seen yes

some really high traffic

thing if you

write something good and it’s

you know are

controversial or oh

one celebrity tweets it

you know and then everyone goes to the

media then then all of a

sudden they’re showing up at

places with cameras and it’s all

web fueled you know

so we live in a strange time man

look joe i reviewed the

hotel the day

after the fire at the

hotel in san

francisco yeah

the fire at the

cliff and then one night

that’s a terrible

hotel stay at

folks i mean

it’s a nice

hotel but if you’re

gonna stay there

and a fire breaks out

the fucking

hotel has these

staircases that are these tiny

single file

staircases they

were jammed up with people you know what i heard

when i was in san francisco

however many times ago i had

dinner with

tim ferriss you know a guy

wrote for our work week and he just a four hour body

and he was his buddy

wrote this book called emergency neil strauss i

think wrote emergency just about

how to live like born

identity guy

how to have

a couple passports because the problem is if

stuff goes down

and you can’t get out of your country

that’s all you know

so anyway he tells you to have

extra passports yeah this guy emergency

says that’s a good way to get arrested man they

catch you with

extra passports

well there’s

other countries

that will give you dual

citizenship

real if you invest so it’s legal

yeah yeah so but you have to invest in

their infrastructure so how much

i think in the book the guy was talking to guy

for like a hundred thousand dollars or something get

the fuck out of here get out of here

with a hundred thousand

dollars give us some wack ass little fucking third

world country

you get the email

yeah what are you doing bro you giving us

money in nigeria

yeah so then you get

fuck out of here then you

grant what the

fuck you doing

come on john

but he said the guy

now i could

he asked what how many

fire trucks you

think is there

to protect the entire city of san francisco

and i was i said i don’t know probably hundred

it was i believe less than 20 total whoa

now that i say these words but

i could be wrong but it’s something like that

where you would

think there’s no there’s hundreds for the entire

city of no there’s literally

big rigs that can shoot water

like 20 of them so if anything really happened in a

city like that

the thing is

it’s gonna go

well we were at the

hotel how to survive like born

we were at the

hotel and the fire

broke out supposedly

at 4 30 in the morning but it wasn’t really a fire

was just some assholes that blew off fire extinguishers

but it looked

like a fire but it looked like a fire there was

smoke because of the extinguishers

like on this

like it looks like smoke

and it’s flooded

you know through the hallways and we were

going down this little single file

staircase at four

thirty in the morning why people just

shuffled on the

staircase it was maddening everyone was

going so fucking slow

it was really

scary man it was

i saw somebody

hit their head

and the stairs

going down and at one

point like me and joe both

felt like we were just gonna

start beating up the people in

front of us

no more no more

hotels that are from the 1700s no they didn’t kiss my

eyes first floor

second floor

now i’m like

first floor second

floor that’s all i want

well it’s just

those old ass hotels man

that’s your staircase

i mean it was so

small i literally

had a hard time

getting through it

me i have one person had a hard time getting through it

it’s like a

skinny ass staircase and there was fat people

and old people and

tired people and

people in poor health

and they were all just clogging up the stairs

you know you

really when you see a person during the day

you see a person that’s all warmed up

you know they’ve had coffee

and they’re

moving you know i’m saying they got up a couple of

hours ago and had breakfast and there

you know walked out to the brisk

you know cold air before they got into

the building

where you meet them but when you see them boom

right after they wake up

and they’re all disoriented and

their slowness

might get you burned to death

yeah that’s a fucking trip man

you always wonder

about that when you’re on a

plane or you

have to sit in the exit row and you’re like okay i’ll

open this if i have to

where these

150 people act

civilize and stuff

and then i always

think no i’m like there’s no way

but then you hear

about stuff like the

plane landed in the hudson

where everyone just

orderly you know they got

150 people out

i don’t know that’s just such

a crazy well that was a

safety landing

that landing was almost like they

landed on the ground it was just they were on the water

you know it almost seemed like

it made sense

but i hear you yeah like you

never know like what people just you know

climb over the weak

in the slow just to save

or is it ordered

i don’t know it

depends on the situation

it depends on

how dire the

circumstances are and it depends on i mean look at

black friday or whatever it’s called and you see people

trampling over each

other to get into a store

so they’re on a

southwest flight chances are you’re

gonna get trampled right

yeah yeah so they’re deep

blue you’re good to go

yeah if you’re on virgin

you’re probably

gonna be okay everyone’s

gonna be cool

with you yeah

have you flown many virgins no i

heard it’s awesome though yeah

have you no i

haven’t fun

any of them john heffron you’re a

world traveler huh

you’re actually

not not around the

world but i mean it around the country you’re

every weekend

stand up yeah

it’s a lot of fucking

last i don’t like

planes anymore man last

yeah last year was

forty something weeks or something

and then i have this week off and then

june first is my

first weekend

that you lost

off starting next week

when i leave god you just out

every weekend yeah

how do you do that it’s

used to be easier

but now i to be honest then

now i occupy

my time with so much

other little projects

during the day

that that’s what gives me you know like dancing

i dance i do my ribbon

thing i’m in my

knife fighting and cane

fighting class

stars do you take

classes and shit when you go on the road

like if you go on the road are you

wednesday through

sunday guy like how do you do the road

wednesday through yeah

yeah wednesday through

sunday and so you wednesday

travel day you just home

monday tuesday and then bam

you’re out on the road on wednesday yeah sometimes a

thursday you know

leave on thursday does your wife meet you

places do you like try to set it up

where you see each

other more than two days a week no

well i mean we used to

but now she’s got a job so no you know we see each

other wow but you like asking

classes like when i was in atlanta

there’s a boxing gym by my

hotel so i would go

in there and then work with that guy for a couple days

do you ever

go to a boxing gym and they try to set you up

and want some dude to

spar with you

i won’t be honest

have they ever

asked you though i have before

and i’ve gotten beat up

you know then you’re on

stage you going somebody

beat you up not beat up but you know

other guys sixty percent

might be different than my

sixty percent

right and it’s a funnier

story if some guy knows who i am

and knocks me out

then then going

sixty percent that’s a boring

story right

so yeah it’s hard to

trust people i don’t when you’re sparring

me unless you find

you know didn’t you have a problem

with krav maga

class a couple times

you know when you’re sparring and i’m really i

pride myself in

going if we’re

gonna go 50 we’re

gonna go 50

i don’t have an ego

i don’t need to go 65 and

prove anything to you we’re both here to

learn and blah blah blah

but there’s a couple times where

i haven’t been i just i

still get even mad

thinking about

kicking forty

fifty percent

a five year old

could probably

catch that kick

right when you

literally are just

going more of the

motion to maybe step in the guy

catches my foot and then

straight just you know

just how hard you

punch you in the face

enough why sell stars and fell to the ground

do you think you hit

you a hundred percent

he pretty hard not not a hundred

but it was no

it’s tricky right there was no martial arts

classes are

tricky you got to make sure the people you

training with you

trust them you know

that’s where when you when you’re

striking things get

weird when you you know kicking and punching

yeah because you know you really can’t do it full

blast every day so you got assume that the guys gonna

be willing to work with you and you know we’re just

gonna kind of tag each

other so we can work on our timing

yeah that’s why i like doing like

if i go to a

place like that i’ll do a lot of just bag work or

mitt work and bounce around

where there’s really

except for the mids

maybe slapping yet

that’s equally as

i just wanted

to do it to give me something to do and get my

heart rate up so i don’t really are

you taking guys on the road with you

used to and then the last couple of

months i haven’t

cause they’ve all

kinda kinda

gotten not famous but then they

kinda move on and they’re like i don’t feel like

which is to me is

you know you

gotta get slackers

get people who just

don’t want to get

famous and yeah

yeah they’re not

gonna go on the road on

their own it’s just too hard

yeah it’s funny

cause i used to

know i think

starting next year i’m

gonna find some guys but i’m

gonna have some rules

yeah yeah i know that

sounds dumb but i did a show

where it was me and brewer

it was both of us

pretty amazing show cuz i’m high

level and he’s even

even higher

level but i did

i didn’t do more in 20 minutes in

front of them

you know and then he would

but during that 20 minutes i’m like wow that

feature spot you you don’t have time for anything and

there’s no time to talk to people in the

crowd twenty minutes is very

quick yeah so then now when

i see guys opening for me having conversations with the

crowds i’m like

how do you have the time stop that

yeah do twenty minutes of non stop

material and then get off the

stage don’t have a

i don’t know how so now i got yeah

but sometimes when you’re opening though sometimes like

talking to the

crowd just a little bit here and there it kinda like

brings everybody to i’m talking no i’m talking feature

i’m not talking mc

so just the

feature that spot

you should just go up and rip just be

yeah you know i

think but then i always find guys that sit on the

stool and these

start they they

everybody’s got their own

thing though man

right but for me

you know in

front of me

those guys so i

gotta i gotta find

yeah i gotta find

gotta find the

right guy that’s

funny that you monitor what they do

why don’t monitor and say

anything but it bothers you when they sit on the stool

but that’s 40 some weeks a year and that’s

where that kicks in

where then now you just find little

things to bitch

about it’s funny

where you go to you go

the same guy you go with the same guy 40 weeks in a row

um i used to

that’ll drive you

crazy yeah i

think that’s what i

gotta do is fine

you start telling

them what to do with his act like don’t sit on the

stool don’t

never say anything

no i don’t you say you got rules you say you got rules

well now if i have a new guy opening for me i

would kind of

find a guy you know

you go okay like his

yeah i like his

style so you

treat it as if he’s an employee

the only thing i don’t

like dudes doing is

what it gets

tricky it gets

tricky if you

bring a guy with you and then he

starts talking

about the shit that you talk about

before you talk about it

then you’re like hey man you know i already talked

about that like why are you talking

about that when you

bring me up you know that’s weird

yeah yeah you know or it’s

funny is your

work with guys let’s say that are just there

and as the week goes i noticed this they’ll

start doing more and more

yeah similarly

touching not even doing

it but just dusting it enough for you’re like really

you haven’t

watched what i’ve done

who do that on purpose you know they do that on purpose

just stepping on your materials what they’re doing

they’re stepping

in your area and they’re doing it on purpose

just to so that when you

bring it up

there’s not the initial recognition of yeah

yeah like they’ve already heard this

20 minutes ago

you know they’ve

heard this subject breached

20 minutes ago even briefly

it just takes some of the wind out of the sails a bit

i worked with a guy

heard him talking to his friend on the

phone and he

never saw me do

stand up he’s like

he’s in the

green room and he’s like

yeah this guy’s

gonna have a good hard time following me this week

you heard him say that yeah

he’s bragging a

and he walked in

and he saw that i

heard i’m like

yeah dude i hope you rock it that’ll be

great you can’t

really dude

with your you know

guys in pink like to hunt men like you’re

gonna do gauge

it’s hilarious

who is this guy man

call him out and then you

fuck i know

i don’t remember i

bring joey diaz

on the road

with me whenever i can joey

should be a headliner but he’s just too

crazy to go on the road by himself

just can’t just trust joey

he won’t show up

you know well i

think back in the day when you

first started doing

comedy if a guy

crushes in front of you

for me because you’d be insecure you’d go oh the guy

crushed what am i gonna do

but then you

reach an age

in a confidence

level you go

that’s awesome yeah i’m not

gonna ride that same way

well you are capable of

be enjoying it

unfortunately for some people guys are

going before him it’s like a competition yeah

you know and they’re not

enjoying it instead of like

watching that

the act and having fun and being inspired they’re not

enjoying and you can

see shows were like if you were see you and joey and in

anyone else

when the comics like each

other the show

is better because there’s a cooler vibe

i’ve done shows

where it’s mc

hasn’t talked to me

feature guy was just being friendly and me

and then i get on

stage almost like

i’m by myself this entire week yes let’s hear it for

those guy like and i

there’s no connection

yeah and there’s no opposed to

if your friends you can be like

this is when you try to

bring a guy in like you like

you try to pal around with them but you realize like

this is a one way

street this guy’s a douchebag

like fuck i’m working with a douchebag

yeah you know

it’s always tricky man

going on the road that was the number one

thing that i hated the most

so you never knew who you’re

gonna work with

you could be

working with some dude with a real negative energy

and i work with dudes that get super

drunk and just wanna

falling down and making

asses out of themselves and the next

night you gonna hang out with them

again you like

hey man you guys

wanna go to that bar

um no i don’t

wanna go to a bar with you you

crazy alcoholic fuck

right and then

you know now i no longer have a friend for the week

yeah i worked with the guy recently who

or even worse is the guy who used to drink

and looks down at you

want a shot no

i don’t drink

i don’t look

down at people

i never look down

brian fuck you man i don’t look down at people

i don’t drink yeah

i’ve seen drunk john hefferon

i’ve seen sober john hefferon i welcome sober john

hefferon i’m

drunk john hefferon it’s really

better for all of us john the

phone’s breaking up i can’t here but

i just hang up

he’s not gonna remember this conversation anyway yeah

the guy the john heffern

does the drink way better

yeah way more

productive way

funnier way

john the old john heffern

was easier yeah

what do you

mean to get in the bed yeah brian

brian’s got plans

what was i gonna ask you you got one of those

silly hologram bracelets on you really

think that thing’s helping you

i know but i’d like to wear it though

i like something she looks like an athlete

yeah it’s kind of cool it’s like a moderate

what is it it’s

like those live

strong bracelets

yeah i used to have

one for this q link that was supposed to do the same

stuff years and years ago but that was really expensive

this i got free in like a golf bag or something

it’s supposed to be something that’s

supposed to balance you it’s all nonsense complete

total nonsense

it cannot not be nonsense but

with the placebo

effect people like take

those things and have a look

they have all sorts of like benefits

their back feels

great all of a

sudden their injuries go away

and then if they deal with the

placebo and it works then it works

but it’s kinda the

placebo effect is some real

shit i don’t know why but it’s some real shit you know

yeah you just tell

yourself and you go okay it’s all connected to even the

placebo effect is very much like when you’re on

stage and you know

things are funny

you know how you got that feeling when you know

things are funny and you just kind of like

trust in it and it just goes to this

yeah sort of

magical place

where it just comes out

i think the

placebo effect is the same

thing it’s like you know this is

gonna heal you you know this is

gonna make you better and boo

it just lights up all

those parts of your

brain you just have to

truly believe in it

and if you do you’re an

idiot look it’s a rubber band with a rubber band

with the sticker that

would be on

underneath your baseball hat if you bought it

right exactly

a little hologram

or your baseball cards it shows that it’s a real

upper deck it’s goddamn ridiculous

it’s kind of so how long do you

think you can keep this up this

traveling on the road

forty weeks a year because that

could kill him

what are you running from

he’s running to what’s good you’re

successful you know

he’s a sign it’s so funny

i keep joking with people

telling people i’m gonna

start a mailing this for when i’m

about sixty five in branson

missouri i’m

gonna do a 1 p

m show jakob

smirnoff special

yeah but it’s a

religion we’re

gonna be 65 70 at that

point you know who cares

but i do have a

thing i told myself and i’m putting plans together

where i’m gonna retire

when i’m 50

yeah just done

really and only working for when i want to

because i’ll

still be relevant and

you know there’s no right time

but that’s my goal you

could always just

work around la

and work wherever you want

or whatever

whatever who

stand up whenever

you feel what happens 10 years from now but i’m

going to keep running for

the next 10 years i wanted to talk to you about this

while we have

you on the podcast now i’m just remembering

you were the one that has been doing

these crazy

cyber conference shows

and we’ve actually talked

about you on the show before

about you’ve done these

corporate gigs explain explain exactly how it goes

yeah i brought

a tape of it but we can’t play it what it is it’s with

cisco’s telepresence

and you go into

a room just a conference room you sit down at a table

and then across from you is

maybe three big

screen tvs maybe

about 68 inches each 68

sixty eight inch

screen maybe each one

each one wow okay so then

on one of the

screens was boston

the one in the middle was new york the

other one washington dc

in each screen

imagine thirty

forty people sitting

in each screen so that little squares like webcams

no just oh a group

yes just like a

group like an audience it looks like a window

it looks like a window no it

doesn’t look like a webcam at all it looks

like so the

screen is filled with an audience

so you have

a big sliding

glass door if we were to set up

chairs and then

brian gets on the other side

of the window

that’s exactly what it looks like

you’re to scale

everything’s to

scale so you’re not looking at little guys

you’re and then how you sit in the table

because then

their table does the same it looks like it’s one big

round connected table

dude someone

should set up

cyber comedy clubs

well that’s

so i was the friend

i i wish i had

you don’t have to show video but

this is more

people are listening to this on itunes than anything

what so explain

your house no

this one was

i’ve done it at a couple hotels

it’s one of the big chains

hiltons or something has this

right this technology and then

their hopes is now

you have a business meeting

in new york you live in los angeles you’re not flying

you go into

their hotel sitting there

i can look across from you

this is all

this is a whole

chain like all the hiltons

it’s it’s i don’t know if it’s the hiltons i forgot

that was in a

cliff hotel

yeah but so that’s

their thing so i’ve done it now

with cisco a

bunch of times

like three or four of them

now are these squeaky

clean gigs do you have to be

squeaky clean

yeah and what it happens is in each room is people who

wanna buy this

technology so it’s the owners of

these companies that spend

twenty five million

fifty million

right so imagine

those type of guys okay so you’re doing

stand up to them

so then you sit down are you doing

stand up or are you i do my presentation

no i do my act so i sit down

and then you have the

cisco person here

going you know

for a meeting

cause maybe they

watch a presentation

about the system

but the done then i get an

intro almost like

like an mc would

and then you kind of go off into it wow

and how i look at is you know how when you do morning

radio you show up it’s just the dj and

maybe a news girl

right you have

it’s the same you have to tweak your

brain you know how when you get there you kind

of performance mode

but you see all the people sitting there looking at you

so then you see them and then you could go

in whatever

room is the loudest

that’s what you see so it

knows if somebody’s talking

so let’s say boston was

laughing really hard

ta da and then they

quiet down and all of a

sudden new york

would pop up

you know cause somebody talked or

or did something you

only looking at one

screen well it

would change constantly

well that’s

annoying why

wouldn’t it just be the same

screen over and over

again it does

it picks up whoever’s talking so then that way the

focus can be on that person talking can’t they have it

static i would

say that you

would want to see the audience and they

would just want to see you if you

could just have

that stat what if you fall in love with somebody

tell me brian please

piano music

am i done in san francisco

so yeah so you do it

and then you would look across from you

know hey guy in the nasa suit

and then so that’s what i

would have to do is you’d have to

bring in people

you know so they feel connected

and then you just do your stuff

but could they do it static

where they just see you all the time and then you yeah

because it laid on that

piano motherfucker this isn’t even sad anymore it

could be a sad

if you wanted to be okay what do you want to talk about

so have you ever fallen in love dude

talking about sad

things i think

some of the saddest

things is so are

these people like hd though like i mean like

really really good it looks

like you’re looking through a window and the person

right there

that’s the only

and their faces just kind of come

on like there was a room you in that you’re in like

pitch black so you just see like

these faces are

these bodies come in

front of you

it no it’s so

you have three

screens but each

screen does not have an individual

video on it they all have

they all have the same

thing it does

weird but i’m

sure there’s adjustments but sometimes all three

screens will be one city

and then other times it

would split and i don’t know

it’s all voice

activated so i don’t know

and that would be distracting

i think if they

could keep it

static so that you

could just get into your head and do your material i

think it could be very much like an audience

i think that’s a real possibility

a cyber comedy club

where a comic

would perform in a

studio in la

or wherever the hell they are in new york

and people would come you know like hey we’re

gonna do austin

texas and ohio

and you’re in the room

with you like what’s up what’s up how’s everybody doing

and it’s like

wow we really are in a room together like that

was dope last

couple weeks ago i did a thing for

cisco at their

place and then i went downtown to some

steak place

right by the staples center

to this is a

great idea for a tv show man

so i’m so doing what you’re saying

i was now i’m in a

steakhouse downtown

they have a conference room

there’s a i’m sitting at this

table almost like the last supper

table with people

all on my right and left

uh screen and tv in

front of me

i’m looking at

another steakhouse

that was in tempe arizona

full of a hundred people all sitting at tables

just like uh you know like you’re at a restaurant

they’re watching me on tv

i’m doing my stuff

in that hundred people in that room are

laughing so i would like

and i would

literally do

crowd work i’d go

yeah lady in the

white sweater on the second

table from the

what’s your name and she

would shout

sarah hey sarah

what was the last argument you got in with your husband

and that she

would have a

thing and i

would talk and then that room

would laugh it’s a really

it’s kind of

crazy that’s pretty interesting man

so you can do it and

people are like yeah the people in the room

wouldn’t be

into it yeah

because so imagine

watching your comedy central special what said again

like a lot of people go

cisco was wearing that had some other

trainers that wanted to buy the

technology they were saying

how can you engage

or build rapport

with a hundred people that are in

a different city

not with you

that was a weird

thing that like is a

comic gonna work

but it works because

just like you’re

watching comedy central and you’re

watching someone special you’re laughing

now imagine if that guy

could look out at you

and go hey yeah you almost beat

and have a conversation with you so it really adds this

whole why would they

think it wouldn’t

work look as long as you can interact with the people

you can interact with them it’s

gonna be a weird

thing a cyber comedy club is a very

very interesting idea that

technology that they have a home version of that

look at me now

but you know what i’m saying like you

wouldn’t have to

travel so much

you know if

you had a cyber comedy club you

could have people come to

see you all over the country they organized the shows

you know and have it

be cheap like a

movie ticket

instead of like a comedy club ticket

where it’s a live show and you

gotta justify the airfare

and all the shit to get the guy to the club this way

it’s just in a

studio somewhere you cut out a lot of the expenses out

it’s cheaper

and the people go and

it’s a real show it’s like they’re interacting

you know and

you know and

especially for me when i do question and answer shit

question and answer shit

like you could see that it was really happening

right there and then and i don’t know how many

cities you can let’s say you do it at the hotel

where it’s set up if there’s i don’t know what the

limit is but you could have

like yeah 10

satellite cities and i don’t know what the

technology were

like one you had like five cities

going on the same time

but you had one country audience

they’re just

heckling and being douchey just mute them

you just i put you on ignore

kansas city

you just got on ignore

bitch yeah you

should probably

have a moderator you’d have a club owner

which is just you know somebody sitting there

muting people that are getting out of control yeah they

mute the audience but the feed

still comes through you know

watch it says cisco’s a

eight billion trillion dollar company and i gave them

a legitimate

thing when you’re done with

those it’s a

weird thing you go okay well

we’re done and you know how when you’re done

with something you’re used to shaking a hand or pat or

there’s a okay we’re done

well they don’t

have anything and i told him they need a

virtual fist pump or

when like okay

later i hit a button then a fist just

comes to your

screen and then we do uh

you watch okay this

right now i’m

gonna show i will

i will be willing

to bet they will

add there is

gonna be a virtual

handshake money

maybe a virtual handshake you or fist bump

i guarantee you it’s gonna

be a virtual

it will a business fist bump in the

world of human resources it’s not

gonna exist

i bet you they’re not concurred they’re just

gonna watch just tell

you people are seeing behavior

with secret handshakes and fist bumps and shit there’s

gonna be some type of thing

well maybe like a

green light a nice

green light like a palm

i invented two

things a green

light palm that shows up on the

screen watch and i’m

gonna say this and then

the idea is

gonna be there

all the business guys

take off their jackets

you know they have the

shirt and ties and they

throw them over the back of

their chairs

i’m gonna invent

suit jackets that aren’t real once they just

cover the back of your chair

so you see that as a

piece of your suit

but you don’t have to wear the jacket what the fuck is

wrong with you you got a

brilliant idea

that’s a brilliant idea you’re talking about

fake jackets are

never a good idea john heffron

never they’re

gonna go in the back

of the conference by

yourself too long virtual

fist pump no

you think jack

bro that are

gonna go on the back of because here’s the

thing when you do

those you don’t have to wear

dress pants

because they can’t they’re like newscasters

so the new look you can go

board shorts flip flops

maybe a nice

shirt with the tie

fake jacket

cover over the

thing you look

like you’re wearing a suit you got problem telling you

brain doctor you guys are nasa

that’s in the beginning show

brain doctor you need to go see one telling you

you’re gonna you’re

gonna we’re

gonna see it you’re on

for short there john heffron

i’ll be willing to bet you an insane amount of money

that fake jackets that you put on the back of your city

will never catch on

okay cause it will

exist cause i’ll create them okay

they will exist and they will be a

money pit of disastrous

proportions okay

i need a seamstress

i need somebody to

direct message me i need a seamstress

what is it like dealing with

those people in that

world and doing like

squeaky clean comedy

only and not being able to take any chances up there

or go into any

weird directions what is that like

i’ve always done

that type of comedy so it’s not weird

you do you your comedy has a

i mean i’m adult but i’m not

you know i don’t get ever

supergra i i’m i believe you can

turn a clean bit

dirty just by

things than vice versa

but yet you are one of the

most perverted people i’ve ever met in my life that’s

great it’s perfect

plus i think it’s

weird when you have jobs that

then affect you like when i used to do morning

radio with bon aducci

you’re on a soccer mom bonadouche

station hey

you had none

you guys were on a soccer mom station yeah we were like

well danny tried to get in a

fight at a matchbox

20 concert oh so that

shows you what kind

hanson you tried matchbox

in a fight at a

matchbox it was the

great he took off his

shirt and was gonna

fight the entire road jj

at pine op why

would the shirt off because in the bathroom

i think this is back when

danny partied i think

danny met up with a listener

and he disappeared oh

whatever happened so he came back in an altered cocaine

no he was never that type of guy liquor

um no i think we were some and

he’s talk about this

story so i’m not

thinking but it was

that date rape drug whatever

thing he did

ghb yeah yeah

yeah so yeah

but danny’s scar

tissue he’d

admit all the

stuff i don’t know how that got but

so then he came out

crazy did you say

danny is scar tissue

his whole body is or there’s no way you can be

alive with all the

stuff that he’s done

really there’s no way

you have to be totally

embalmed what did they do that with frogs so

the body’s preserved

yeah formaldehyde

yeah his butt that’s his entire body really

oh yeah he’s a zombie you camp he’s not

alive what’s

wrong with him

he’s just done so much

stuff to his body what was it like

working with that guy how long did you work with him

never kiss him

five years five years on the radio

every morning

shut up every

fifteen in the morning in michigan

which means that’s when i

scraped off the ice on my

thing drove

forty five minutes how many

months here is it snowing like that

in michigan it

start december and go to like

may june yeah i mean it’s so

that’s a long you know

driving june

seven months

not not but

april yeah half the year

half the year

it’s cold and crappy yeah

okay so cold and crappy you get up

three thirty in the morning you doing

stand up at

night still

yeah around town

but it was awesome

cause i would sell out

stuff right i mean there were some benefits i wasn’t

of course and i was 25 26 why

would you ever want to sleep

right so then you go i

would do like

radio bar appearances

you know like i was that guy

movie premiers but you got paid a lot of money

how crazy was

danny beyond

crazy because the thing with

danny is you never knew

which guy you were

gonna get you can

have a guy that you work with that’s a consistent ass

but at least then you know how to tiptoe

other times

daniel be the coolest

human being you’ve ever met

and then you come in the next day

and you go he’s

gonna literally slit my throat

the only advantage that

i mean they did not we’re really good friends and at

first he he hated me

he wanted to hate you um

well i never did

radio before i met him

i was just a

comic around town

and i didn’t know how to talk with that person it’s

try having a conversation with me it’s tough

so imagine being a 22 year old kid not

you know david like

and i was like yeah but

one time i you know i just didn’t have

my rhythm i

just didn’t know so he hated you because you all

hated me hated working with you

hated just yeah

yeah he didn’t

want to work with you didn’t want to know wanted me

fired i just

moved back from los angeles

so i moved to from detroit to los angeles

and then got that job and move back to detroit

and then got

fired maybe

three or four weeks later

and then did he get you fired

yeah he got me

fired and then

we went to chicago together it was odd for some

weird thing

and then we had

he didn’t suddenly like me

and then then i was on the show

you know what

what are you talking

about we did a

radio show together and for some reason

why we were doing it in chicago something clicked

where he’s like oh i get you now have friend okay

and then it

was okay so i’m so confused

you started off together in michigan

you did a radio show he

got you fired and got

me fired and

then they were

gonna give me

you know how

did you go to chicago what is this chicago trip

about i got

fired on a friday

and we were

gonna go to chicago on

monday to do

a hit this loop the loop in chicago okay so

we do it as a permanent gig

well they would

be anything was hey i can’t believe they did that

you know why don’t you come to chicago will do the show

monday so i’ll put you up i didn’t know can just

still confuses he’s

still doing the show in michigan

and he does a show

exactly yes

he would do morning shows in detroit

afternoon in chicago so he

would get on a

southwest flight

wait a minute he did a show

every day in two markets yes

oh my god we get on the

southwest flight and fly from detroit to chicago

do the thing

and then get on another flight fly back holy shit yeah

every day yeah he did that for a couple

months and then

you know then he figured out

technology but keep you know

where they can is

the end it where he would

do it anything but he was doing that

every day that is insane yeah

yeah how long is the flight

30 minutes 20 minutes 40 yeah

so it’s like in

vegas like flying to

vegas yeah and he

would do it

every day back and forth

and then do his

radio show holy

shit good afternoon

in chicago yeah you

gotta give the

guy credit for that no wonder why he was on drugs

so he got me

on drugs to do that so i was

fired but he didn’t tell me that

it was he was like i can’t believe they did that that’s

like so he didn’t i didn’t tell you that he got fired

so it goes why

don’t you just come to chicago this weekend we’ll

party that just sucks have friend but you know well

so he’s kind of like probably felt guilty i’ll let you

party in chicago with me

and then you’re gone for a life okay

did the show with him on that

monday and he’s like you know what i’m

gonna make a call like we had

cause he never listen to me

like you know

me like was a problem on the show if you

would just listen to me he knows

so anyway long story

short i came back and

like yeah you know we won’t fire you but we’ll give you

you got to take a pay cut

cause i was making

if you know keep in mind of

twenty three

twenty four

morning radio in detroit

making a hundred

fifty thousand dollars wow

i mean that’s like a million dollars to a

twenty three

twenty four

you was this because

why were they giving you a pay cut what are they doing

you know because i was i had no

management or anything and they’re a huge

corporation they’re like you get the gig in the

first place

this huge radio guy dick pertin

in detroit was leaving the

radio station

and he suggested to that management you need to

bring this heifrin kid in

keep in mind i’m just out of college

you know so then they go

and you know dick

knows your most

stand up comedian yeah and i was on a show

and he was probably the most famous

radio guy in detroit

so they hired

me just because of that and put me with dan

wow but danny

how crazy danny is

so danny’s the guy who and i’ve told

well anyway

he’s the one who got me into

fighting yeah um

he was really in the boxing and

stuff so then what he did was he

i came to the

radio station and he had like headgear cups

boxing you know

gloves it says

you know i’m friends with jackie callan

we’re gonna go to her place

and we’re gonna

i want you to

learn the box so i have somebody to

spar with so he bought me all my equipments

he bought me all my

equipment got me

crazy coaches

because have friend i’m

gonna take i’m

gonna teach you how to box so i have somebody to

and we’re gonna spar

every day from

from twelve to

twelve to three

that’s ridiculous

so long time to get good at boxing can’t just

start sparring someone’s been doing it forever well

yeah so i so i got the

stuff and then um

then me and

danny fought

and i would

never been more afraid of my entire life

like there’s a

thing about

fighting you can be a really good you go to

class you anything

but you have to have that

thing in you that makes you want to kill people

which i’ve never had

i enjoy fighting and i

learn learning

stuff but i don’t have that

there’s that

thing dan is a complete psycho

he completely has that thing

and will kill you

and that’s when

that shortly

after that’s when he gave me a concussion

hit me right in the back of the head

um two people

punching on you dude yeah i know

that’s right

danny bonneucci

so that’s when we

so he hit me in the back of the head i went home

the girl was dating at the time comes to my

apartment and goes why did you buy vcr

on my kitchen

table from best

buy out of vcr i’m like i didn’t buy vcr

she said yeah

whose is that ago

i don’t know looked

saw that the

credit card receipt was my signature but this was

weird this was

in the nineties when people bought dvd players

so i actually went backwards in technology

don’t remember buying the vcr

she took me to the hospital

and then the guy did the

stand up on one foot thing

and i fell over and he’s like what’s the matter so then

you know i had a

really weird

douchy knocked you backwards in a technological

program with

with the punch he

knocked you back to the v

and then after that he

became your friends

why wasn’t there

anyone around to stop you from boxing him

i had no guidance

that’s so sad

i had no guy i wish i

could have been your friend

no john i had no guy don’t do it john

we need you here on earth

we need you for your

brain we need you to be

funny we can’t have

but after that

danny you know

like me and

stuff like that so let him

punch you and fire you and he’s the best guy ever

yeah you just

gotta go with a bit of a

gauntlet and then what is he doing now

is he got a show on philly or something he’s

about to get

married he’s

about to get married

again who’s he married

i don’t know

how do you know this

i know somebody that knows

somebody who knows somebody

is marrying him yeah

really oh oh

tell me more very interesting

yeah he was

fascinating yeah

interesting guy

yeah to get a

fight at a matchbox

twenty concert you really having to work cause that

crowd is not necessarily violent

ozfest yeah

matchbox twenty it’s

guys being forced to take

their girls you

never know man some emo

dudes get really pissed when they see the

chick with another dude and they realize all

their crying isn’t working

sometimes they turn like

temper tantrumish right yeah

well john heffron

where are you next buddy

tell people

where they can

catch you sounds

well john heffron com

right yeah two fs w

john h e f f r o n

dot com and

your twitter schedule

and your twitter is at john heffron

yeah and john and i met a long time ago we was doing

maxim comedy tour you me and

charlie murphy and we’ve been pals ever

since that was a fun tour

yeah it was

it was a financial disaster

for bud light and

all the people put it together they did the guy was a

promoter did

like no advertising we just kind of showed up

everywhere yeah

he never did any

radio he didn’t do anything nothing

and then you

would expect to sell out a

you know seven thousand like you

okay every show you’ve ever done

when you go in a city sells out

especially for me at that time even though four years

later i was selling out like crazy

but then so you

would think

and it just shows

nobody knew about it

nobody knew

about it was a mess

yeah even my own fans that know

about it and i didn’t promote it very well on my own

shit on my website and

everything i thought they had it

taken care of i didn’t think you

think that you’re

like finally there’s a tour with a lot of

money behind it they’re

gonna put posters

and they’re

gonna do some

stuff i didn’t get it the whole

selling you know

that promotion is actually a part of the job i

never thought of it that way

i just thought

a little take

care of itself someone will take care of it

they don’t take care of it if you don’t

let people know

about it they actually get

upset like what

the fuck dude i didn’t even know you had a show

yeah yeah yeah i

started concentrating more on my message

board and on my

not my message but

rather my mailing list and twitter and all that shit

after that yeah

you know it’s not when someone

else puts it together it’s not fun but it was a fun gig

you know yeah

we had a good time and i

would love to do some more gigs like that with you we

should do some some big

travel yeah

yeah points

where you just

have to our acts are so different you know

we should do some some big gigs together you know

where we you know

we made it make our fans meet

i was thought of

yeah i was thought of a cool thing

where you would

you know how they have all

these four leases

places in every city you go to just you can go to any

mall or strip mall

there’s buildings

where you just see the

power of the internet and go

we’re in this city

we’re doing

it at the corner of this you know rent out one of those

places for the day

right but not a normal comedy place like

a restaurant that went out of business

right and you set up a

sound system and then you go we’re

gonna show up and then you

blast it to

your network and see how many people show up in that

one area that’s an interesting idea if you knew the

venue in advance you know it was yeah you’d have to

pre and then you’d have to go and just see

it’d be kind of like a workspace comedy show yeah

i don’t know what is

the shit by

the way and i

should mention this

what is the shit and we will be doing it soon

is kevin smith’s mod castle in la

it is the shit

i did tom green’s podcast from there

he does a live

podcast with an audience it’s fucking fun as shit

it’s like half

stand up comedy

half audience like

we gotta do one there with joey

it’s it’s incredible

what does he call it podcastal

smith smogcast

smith podcast and it’s just like almost like a

studio for people

do podcasts like you know what it’s like

it’s like one of

those little tiny theaters

where they teach acting classes

right that’s what it looks like it’s like one of

those really

small theaters

seats maybe

fifty people

and they have a stage

the microphone set up

and you just give the dude an

sd card he slaps it in the end of it’s over

they sell tickets

to get in the tickets pay for renting the

place oh that’s

twenty bucks

twenty bucks it’s

such an old

school way if you

think of that what’s that guy

kemp wobble

gone that old

school radio

garrison keeler

yeah no but but you’re

thinking you’re doing a live show in

front of live people that’s so old

school the way that they use

jimmy pardo’s got a podcast and they did a live show

where they had people in the audience and it was just

webcam for 20 it was really i did corolla’s podcast

live it was it was odd

cause corolla had it almost like a radio show

you know one guy

these guys would go up for 15 minutes and the next guys

would go up for 15 minutes

you know i think

you know and then you

almost felt like i was doing

stand up it was like real

i was doing

stand up on

stage with him you know we were just

riffing and talking

about shit it

was very strange

i think the way we do it it

would be more interesting

like the way we do it

where it’s you know

the whole podcast is just some long run on conversation

someone who’s interesting

and you just keep having

guests come in yeah yeah new

guests and you go to the

crowd too you know you let the

crowd ask questions give them a

microphone you know tom

green went out to the

crowd and then

you know the

crowd gets to

throw questions at you and talk to you who’s

gonna win that fight joe

who are gonna

allow any of that nonsense

none of that silliness

yeah those are the most

you gotta do that that

would be awesome

not the great thing

about technology

i was playing ufc

whatever it is and his beauty

and you know from

just kind of knowing you and some

other stuff i’ve done i know a lot of

fighters and it’s

funny when i was in a tournament

every time i

would come up against a

fighter that i know

i would take a

picture of it

and then i would tweet them

so it’s cool that you

can have that much interaction now i

could be playing a video game

right oh there’s

frank trigg

i’m gonna let

frank trigg

know i’m about to

knock him out

and then yeah i

send sent him a video

hey here’s what’s

gonna happen

dude hey do you

think that you

could set it up

so that we could try to do some sort of a

cyber comedy club thing

you mean if you know these

cisco people

well here’s

great to hear

this be someone

who would be into doing

something they’re really into because the cool thing is

is they were

using me to show that it

doesn’t have to be stuffy

but here’s another cool

they also have

that i don’t know what it’s called it’s some home unit

yeah but not the home unit look i’m i’m talking about

but you you

could do a home unit but i’m talking

about setting it up in a

hotel somewhere

where you sell tickets online the people come to the

hotel yes like

the mary i like to be honest i’m in so many

hotels that i forgot which one

is the one that but i’m pretty sure it’s like the

marriotts or something

and what you do is

you technically

how it works for business is you rent out that space

and then somebody rents it out whatever dude we

should really sit down but all

we do show is over and talk

about this because this could be

a great way

to do shows

where you don’t have to travel

you can do shows we

could do it at

cisco i know like we

could go to there

for this last one i did was hilarious

right and when i was in new york

why wait a minute stop

where’s cisco

um off of santa

monica oh it’s in la oh yeah

the one of the

buildings i’ve done it from so they have like a

studio there

it’s it’s like

a huge imagine

five hundred cubicles for

people to work but nobody works there because everybody

works at home

it’s like the craziest

place you walk in there they all work at home

yeah so it’s all these

empty desks but it’s a huge office building

and then they have a big conference room with this

technology set up in there like so they all use this

video conferencing

technology to

work no one goes to work yeah no nobody

so when i went there the

secretary let me in

and i’m about pretty fucking dope

yeah and i was

about to go

to do my thing last time

i did it there were 30 people in the room with me right

so there was some energy there

right this time

i show up by myself i’m like oh there’s gonna be a

there’s nobody

right one guy shows up amir liaison

so then we walked around the cubicles

i went to two

guys i didn’t know that are working and go hey dude

i gotta go in there and do

stand up you

need to come in there with me so i’m not the only one

you need to sit next to me

and when i’m doing my material or talking

smile and laugh the entire

like i don’t even know this guy

you wait a minute wait a minute

so you went and

grabbed people i

grabbed two guys

and said you need to not you not

only did you grab them you instructed them on how to

enjoy you are a diva john yeah you’re a diva

god damn it

well no because now it’s

about the thing

cause i didn’t want to be there and then have

have this guy sitting next to me just staring but

he’s not getting paid you’re the one getting paid but

he did it and it was like a cool kind of

what if he hated your comedy

yeah well that

would suck but they

were the coolest guys

podcast is like we’re doing this and i mean there’s

1086 people

tuned in right now

while we’re doing this

you’re doing the same

thing you’re doing

stand up for a thousand people right now

yeah it’s the same

it’s cool let’s go

but it was weird it remind me when i was

doing a lot of colleges performing you’d have to do

these noon teasers

we’d go in at noon

and the in the student

union what you

never had to do this

so i you’d have to go in they

would make you go

so you and brian are

studying i would have to go up ago

hey guys this is keep my no tv credits

no nothing stop it i

would go hey

everybody i’m

john heffern

on the comic i’ll be in the wrath skeller tonight at

eight go and you’d have to do you go around to

tables and this is part of your

contract to get people

to show up at the show at

night time stop that when

only that one hundred

percent i would do that constantly oh my god i’ve never

heard of them this is back in the day when i was in my

early twenties i

would do eighty to a hundred colleges

a year oh my god

this is pre or post

danny bonaducci

this is a pre

radio so keep

in mind i’m

21 you didn’t

have a concussion to blame no

no i’m 21 22

so now it’s

funny 20 some years

later in 8 billion dollars more

the show that i’m doing

i’m going around to

random people going

hey guys i’m

gonna be in this room can you come in it’s so

funny how it goes in

full circle and it’s the same but you’re getting

paid way more

that’s hilarious

i really think that that

could be a unique

thing like a real

those guys would do it

that could be a real business

a cyber comedy

well here’s what i thought that

simmer and a

strip club so imagine

going into a room going

i was turned it

okay anyway so

i would like

to see a girl in bangkok and bam you’re in bangkok

well i guess you

could do that but there’s a lot of

videos out there dude

but you are talking some

webcam show this webcam shows and i’ll have them set up

so we can do it well let’s do it let’s do a comedy club

i think if we

could set it up with a few

hotels in a few different cities

you know and bang it out and

fight only it’ll

shoots online yeah because

each room we

hold it’s like need a certain

promoter in each

individual town and make sure that there’s a

seating and then they have alcohol

or whatever

they have it at the show because you do it at the

hotel there’s a

hotel bar right

they can have

a mom come in

and then they

should his wait

staff there

and have it

like a cyber comedy club this is a

great idea dude i’ve done it and have i brought your

video to see

well watch the

video yeah you can’t but

dude it’s fun

people are people and

right but you’re doing it all through the

corporate network

whereas you have to be

super squeaky clean

what i want to do is use them and like

maybe like get them and have it just be

a yeah just whatever you feel like talking

about yeah i don’t want to have to

worry about being

clean i don’t have to

worry about the well we can’t use your

technology yeah

yeah no this is you’re

using our technology

and they don’t they

rent it out to whoever wants it you

could be talking about

anything yes this

is we need to talk to them

we’ll do it

something has come out of this podcast

ladies and gentlemen a

birth an idea

make sure you get will it bear

fruits we do

not know we cannot know but that’s one of the beautiful

things in life sometimes just

you have ideas

those ideas create something

cause the imagination

manifests things in

real life the imagination seems like a frivolous thing

but without it we

would have nothing

it is a real

thing it’s a

force it’s a

force that makes ideas appear

through the work of man

i tell you this you

look around wherever you’re

watching this look around your room that you’re in

everything you’re looking at was somebody’s idea

mad truth everything

everything was

thank you everybody for tuning in

thank you to the

flashlight if you go to joerogane

net and you

click on the link

for the flashlight you get 15

off when you

enter in the

promo code rogan

beat off to your

heart’s content you

silly little monkeys

thank you to

brian redband

join me on twitter please

join him he’s very very sad

about his twitter numbers what is your twitter numbers

right now buddy uh

oh no we’re

gonna find out yeah

mine go up stellar

maybe like one four

five a week

what is it nine thousand

four hundred

and yeah more

me thousand four hundred is not that bad

and i did that

thing where

i follow everybody who followed me and then they caught

how bad did that get

you have to

make a lot of lists so i you know what i mean i had to

start block

i had to start

unfollowing people

i have a few

dummies that say

interesting shit because they’re so stupid

but i was falling

way too many

uh god hose

all right ladies and gentlemen

thanks for tuning in

i wonder how

uh thank you

everybody for

everything you do out there keeping it real in the real

world real talk

force positive moving it all in a good direction

stay strong

there will be peaks and valleys there will be

ripples and waves but you’ve got to maintain your own

personal balance that’s my

that’s my word

electrifying mode balance

that’s my words of the day

ladies and gentlemen as always

i love you bitches

see you in vegas

february 4th

mentally may theater don’t

sleep tickets going fast

we just killed it with some

gay segway we

what did you just do

take it off the get this emo

whack ass low

blood from lil

wayne to m and

m students a

roast beef sandwich

what are you trying to do to me we had a

great ending to the podcast

this guy died of aids

dr dre’s dick you think so yes

allegedly you really think dr dre is a homosexual yes

what makes you say that it’s all about making that

because his dick tastes like shit

well we had a big nice going out

chose words of wisdom ladies and gentlemen

fuck my words of wisdom you know what to do

shit’s hitting the fan stay strong

it’s a mad mad world out there ladies and gentlemen

this thursday

the christmas podcast

with mad flavor aka joe diaz this thursday probably

two or three depending on what joey schedules like

brian red band and who knows who else

we might have a full couch bitches

thanks everybody love you bye

friend of mine till i caught in my car trying to

steal it out