Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Ralphie May.

Transcript

oh come on I go

bottles reach the gate fuck me just say

fingers in the mouth open up

the

block

now now we going to the

how good was Piggy Man

the best the best ever with him

it was in the hospital with Tupac

and then it went dead with the

biggest debt and then it became hip hop

and then everybody was going out for dollars

and they made it a lot

they made a lot of shitty

music except for Eminem and Jay Z

Maybe NAS ralphie

May dropping rap knowledge

ralphie Mays in the house ladies and gentlemen this our

guest he’s very disgruntled at the

world of rap music and I know it’s your concern as well

this show and all shows are sponsored by the

Flashlight ralphie

you ever felt the flashlight sir

no no one has fucked this

but a lot of people have fingered it

well you know patent

rubber too this flashlight

is not a virgin

but it’s like a slutty junior high school girl

fingered a lot

yeah isn’t it amazing feels great right

pretty creepy dude

it’s way better than just

regular jerking off and the best

thing is if you have somebody else hold it and fuck you

it’s even more detached

from your own

body so it feels like you are actually having sex have

you done that Joe have you had somebody else hold the

flashlight for you know

someone else

I’m gonna fuck them how dare you

unless it’s a boy

why is he holding it well it’s

like the hand job it’s the newest hand job I mean if

the girls gonna give you a hand job nowadays

hey give me a hand job with a

flashlight instead

way better than a regular hand job is it

oh dude try it

how about a

good trend a girl’s hand is always

gonna feel better it’s a

human person

touching you

ralphie says no

I mean it’s

fruit can you come with

baskets I’ll fuck

everything what

no man what’s

wrong with can you come up

with girls giving

you a hand job is that what you’re saying yeah

you’re a demon dude

Ralph you need some more stimulation a pussy

okay I’ve never even come from a blowjob

what no yeah I’m saying Ralphie same way

I do not like blowjob

maybe it’s the way girls are blowing YouTube maybe

like this oh no

no that sounds great now with all the options

I’m married I’m sealed man I like all my shit I

just stay on the straight and narrow

that’s not what I’m saying what I’m saying is even her

oh yeah man

oh yeah man yeah my wife horrible blowjob

let’s be honest

I mean she’s a jubroad it comes with a territory

you know they nag but they’re good with

money they get great kids a lot of

Jewish girls that was the

reputation that they’d like to get blowjobs

not this one back in Boston

yeah that’s what I always thought I’ve never heard that

yeah I’ll go for

stereotype definitely never

heard of that whatever

ever oh my God really that’s some shit she’s been

yeah I’ve heard that

finally something good for the jokes I’m

lighting a candle just for that one tonight

we got a manure that we’ve had for seriously

9 years 10 years

I found in the garage I went and got a candle

all right and the kids just gonna sing

happy Birthday cause it’s all I know I don’t know any

other songs

I don’t really think

about it my wife’s not a good Jew

all right but I’m

lighting the candle just for that one

just letting my daughter know

she’s got a good rep

I always heard that

Jewish women are just the craziest in bed

they do anything they’re just this

crazy sex machine she is

and she did fuck me

so that makes her fucking crazy

yeah just black chick

I need to try it once

you’ve never tried a black girl no

I might get De niro’d son

there was this

might get bingoed

you might get De Niro

so you’re not even into white

chicks anymore you might start talking like Ralph May

I was at BW3

you might start gangsta now

come on baby no there’s this black chick at bw3’s last

night that next move was so beautiful

she was keep on going to you

what the fuck

what happened

you don’t even have to tell him that man I

guess a white dude who likes black chicks

yeah just be

you son embrace

embrace your inner love of black

chicks that’s the next move for you sir

that’s what I see that’s

some hard ass

black chick

that fucks the shit out of you and tells all your ex

girlfriends a step

fucks like Lil Kim well

so if you have any issues with ex

girlfriends they’re scared of that

black bitch

that girl makes a

big long nails

the girl at the bw3’s in Burbank the bartender yeah

you are cute

whoa and what are you a fucking 5 year old

go tell her in person

bitch this is faggotry

I don’t even

use that word anymore

I want to take you to the Olive Garden oh

Jesus Christ

Brian how dare you

how dare you

how dare you come off like a 12 year old on the show

I like you do you like me

check one yes no please aim me

just give out your A I am I know you got one here’s my

fucking weirdo here’s my Facebook

ralphie made rocks at so old school he

doesn’t even have a Twitter how do you like them

apples yeah what’s up with

that it’s almost non existent

I mean I do like 5 tweets you

text you text a lot

yeah and I’m sick Ralph you

gotta you gotta get on the Twitter the people out there

Ralphie that want to talk to you man they’re

happy you’re on the show

today and they go to my shows and they say what’s up

oh yeah there’s a lot of people actually they

today I got a lot of phone messages

people saying because like a lot of comics watch your

podcast yeah

yeah cool they’re like

I gotta move this out of my face

this is freaking me out

I’m shooting a gun

I’m trying to move around it while I’m looking at you

the podcast

stand folks

microphone stand rather

mm hmm it’s in his mouth yeah so while yeah you

gotta use the Twitter man it’s very important

there’s a lot of people that want to talk to you

and not only is it good for promotion it’s great for

writing comedy it gives you like

joke beginning to start talking shit

about things it’s fun yeah but I’m nervous

I’m nervous that

they I would become too exposed

what are you talking about

like you know

I would become too exposed as as like you know

a go to guy for free

you know what I mean it’s like you know am I gonna

I write hours and hours of material you know

right now I have 3 and 1/2

maybe 4 hours in rotation that I do separately

awesome and

it’s all different

stuff and it’s all the same basic thing

and so I found myself just writing the same

thing over and over again

in a different

form in a different subject you know what I mean

the same formula

and I’m nervous that I

would get polluted by

other comedians and and you know

I just don’t want to open myself up

by other comedians

you have to follow anybody don’t

want to follow and you can some people like I don’t

think Louis CK

for the longest time didn’t follow anybody Brie Olson

0 followers

really she’s

never replied had

never replied

to anybody 0 followers you try to make her

reply she will not

do it she’s almost seems like she’s like an app like

and you know it just

automatically puts something sexy

mixed with something

you might be

absolutely right

about that because I’ve read some of

those that she

writes cause they’ve been

featured on websites and shit and

they’re crazy

they’re all like

you know I’m

gonna go down to this high

school and try to get 5 dudes to

shoot loads and me right

right I’m at

the airport

right now I have

dried come in my face

but if you watch your

videos you like well

obviously for real

I mean she is

throwing down

Bri Olsen she’s

funny very popular

young porno star oh

with a wonderful personality

excellent sense of humor

she gets it

Brody Steven she gets set take me

she can take me

it’s weird man we’ve talked

about this on the podcast before

the was she one of the girls that

in like the biggest slut contest perhaps

I don’t know

maybe yeah I

think you probably right

yeah and she

was talking about

fuck a retard and

fuck dude those

I love it fucking

Tarz that’s awesome

those girls that do

those gang bangs

man that’s a different species that’s a

weird thing man

that’s another

human bro that’s another kind of

human speaking another

human I saw Jay London picking up

trash on Laurel Canyon

wow creep me out

you go from

he was picking up trash

for somebody is he working

man he had an orange jacket on I mean an orange vest on

maybe did something then he got arrested

I don’t know

I don’t know isn’t that what usually that is

is that guy

that get arrested sometimes

I think so man

I think so and it was crazy

yeah it was that

guy yeah last

Comic Standing

was it on the

season with you no

no I’m like the next one

he was on the next one

yeah you know Jay and I were on the

first TV show I ever did in 19 I

think it was 92

it was a Spotlight Cafe this

weird show in New York

and Jay was on it with me and

I always thought like wow this guy is so

quirky and interesting like

he’s gonna be a

famous comedian

then he got on Last Comic

Standing I’m like wow here it goes

maybe people and you know

people start recognizing him at the comedy store yeah

and then nothing happened

and then it all stopped

it just went away you have done the best

of anybody of

capitalizing on that last

comic standing

crowd and running with it

you ran with

that shit dude there’s a lot of guys who like

John Heffron ran with it pretty well too

but I think you ran with it even better

I’m still more prolific well

it highlighted you more than anyone

that you were the only person on that show that when I

watched you when it was originally on

I saw you blow up

audiences I mean you just destroyed on that show you

weren’t like

like a regular Last Comic

Standing person you were tearing up rooms

jay Moore came to me and told me

and showed me the minutes

from an NBC meeting okay

like he probably shouldn’t have

and he told me that they were nervous

about having someone my size

on NBC a lot

especially in

prime time worried

about like you

dying or something no just the image it

would put out there they were embarrassed by my size oh

and what does that feel like

it’s crushing

um but I use it as

motivation and he goes the only way they’re not

going to get you off of this

is if you get a

standing ovation every show

that’s the only way they can deny it

it’s because we can’t retake that tape

and and he goes we won’t be able to if you

every joke kills we won’t be able to show you bombing

what is he goes if if every joke of yours kills right

then we won’t be able to show that you bombed

to tell you that you lost to

show the audience that you lost

so you have to get a

standing ovation every show

and every joke

be your hardest that you’ve ever delivered it

that’s the only way

these people aren’t gonna get you out of here whoa

so we’re plotting to get you out from the beginning

because the way you yeah your body is yeah wow

but yet now one of

those shows on TV on NBC is The Biggest Loser yeah

well for those

folks who don’t

listen on iTunes and you don’t you’re not familiar with

Ralphie ralphie

how big are you ralphie

right now I’m 4 18

418 pounds that’s dumb down from over 700 wow

Jesus I know I’ve lost the

whole fucking fat guy and I’m

still fat you

know not that much of an

accomplished

hundred at one point

yeah man bro

you remember the back of the company store

dude you wanted to take me to the

strip joint just to see any girl getting near my dick

all right and

and you want to

throw me in your Acura

and it there was no fucking getting in

yeah that NSX was not having

it was sick it was a sick car but there was no way

I was getting there and I’m like I love you Joe Rogan

I love your heart

I love your

heart you have

to be careful

about what cars you get in huh

not anymore not

anymore not

anymore they all pretty much you know what I mean

I got into a ridiculous

600 000 Mercedes

Benz 600 000

for Mercedes yeah

what kind of car

you must get the

convertible and it’s like

700 horsepower

it’s a Oh I know what you’re talking

about it’s like the AMG

some shit baby Hills

Mercedes my friend

comedian is the sales manager there I

think it’s that Ron

Robertson I

think it’s 350

no it’s 6 49

200 inch plasma TVs in the

trunk I’m wrong

another model

yeah it’s just bad at but totally

the most uncomfortable car I’ve ever been really

yeah but my Beamer

I got a 650i

convertible

and it’s fine

I don’t have no problem

ralphie says no problem I’m all

about comfort ever

since I got my new car it’s like

the biggest mom car ever you know it’s a Ford Edge but

you know it’s

that’s a good

car dude it’s

fucking comfortable and it’s so techy like

you know it’s fucking

comfortable

as shit man

I love it I’m telling you what American cars

are fucking making a comeback

big time suit

warmers I got

a Ford Mustang

and your lower back you don’t feel it fatigue

you have a little I got a Mustang I drive

I got a Shelby

Shelby GT500

oh really convertible yeah you always

get good toys though

man you always get good this

one’s the dumbest one ever though all you have to do is

anytime you want

stomp on the gas and the

car go sideways

sideways right just

start spinning

wheels how many

horsepower is that 550

luma mentions tiny cars

lightweight yeah

it’s got a live rear axle so it handles like shit

but it’s fun you

stomp on the gas and

leaves rubber dude

it’s a pure American

experience a car like that

it’s not sophisticated

it’s not the best way to get around not the

best handling but God damn that shit is fun it’s fun

yeah you stomp on the gas it’s 550

horsepower and it’s

supercharged

so you hear the

supercharger

whine and you hear the BMW

supercharged

you hear the V8 and

the with the wine in here

that’s getting it done dude

it’s like a different

thing it’s not just driving

it’s not just getting in your fucking

your Yukon and you know

going to the

supermarket

there’s something extra fun

about it very it was

of course there

is man it’s like

James Bond like some danger shit

could have it anytime

just so it’s just a fun

it’s just fun even if you’re not

speeding it’s fun you

know just the lurch of it

just the the rumble

dude you feel the

power in those cars you

should hear my turn single when I go around this

it’s just awesome

it’s like those are good cars fuck it man yeah

you’re alright

Brian you’re making yourself over

you’re turning Armenian on me haha

you’ve got you’re moving to Glendale you got the beard

you’re oh yeah it’s

better than

ever is that

the next move glendale

I think well

my beard says yes but

I want to go to the beach

I can’t take it anywhere I need to go to the beach

something that’s calling me

about the really

yeah I just

the vibe the vibe in the beach really like that

peaceful man everyone

knows everyone it’s I totally agree

yeah I think it’s homeless and it’s stinky

I was like yeah

Santa Monica but you get down there like

play it already

go down her

most sites wider than

traffic getting there

white people what it is

white people

no homeless people the homeless homeless

person that’s there has a people as a credit card

is saying that

fuck white people

yeah right out of

their bullshit I am

tired of the bullshit

man this shit with fucking Arizona is bullshit

I mean white

people bad name

yeah the whole yeah

you know the real problem is

they don’t they’re gonna we

need to kill

these fucking

crazy assholes in Mexico they’re just

gunning people down for cocaine

28 000 since 2005 they

got a bad problem down there

and it’s it’s totally unattract

all of Iraq

US loss is 5 000

let’s put it

in perspective how many people that really is

yeah it’s pretty

crazy and that’s the ones they know

about yeah it’s not the heads of the desert

okay there’s lots of that shit

there’s a lot of that shit

going on mexico’s dangerous I like that yeah

it’s the border towns

especially I mean it’s really

crazy right now and most Americans are

blissfully unaware

of how nuts it is down there

they have no idea man if you go to person

man if you go to Laredo

Texas man fuck

that you are out the door it used to

be nice you used to go across the border

you go down like have a weekend in San Antonio and then

Sunday night go down there

laredo get a

great deal like a

great hotel

the holiday

in there it was safe

it was nice you go to Nuvo

Loredo across the bridge

bring back glass and

plates and stuff like that

and it was awesome living

Ron White lived there

yeah okay awesome it was just a

great river valley okay town

smell like cigars

everywhere it

would smell like

grapes no you get keep going

what else how

about candy

anything that Ron White

smells like

that’s he told me one time to bring weed

and I’m like you’re the only guy ever to ask anyone to

bring weed to Mexico what are you talking about

go talk to somebody

bring weed to Mexico that sounds like

a terrible idea

bringing weed to or back from Mexico

sounds like a terrible idea

man taking weed into

guam’s a bad idea yeah let me hear that

story son this is a Ralphie made

classic that’s making the rounds

and I don’t know all the details so I want to hear the

whole deal cause you got arrested somewhere

yeah I got stopped in Guam

for weed I didn’t know I had it on me

all right and I took out of my bag

3 and 1/2 ounces of weed

a full ounce of Keef

and about 20 grams of hash god

damn dude that’s what I took out of my bag like

he took it out before he went to the airport you

took all that stuff he made wants to party

yeah I like to get down I like variety you know I mean

look at me I’ve got no fucking

control okay of anything Joe Rogan

look at me except a fucking mess

okay yeah that

amazing control over your loads yeah

sounds like you got really good control all right then

the one thing I’ve got for me

but I’m a mess I mean I’ve got no sense

plus I get tons of heavy handshakes

I mean and those these guys aren’t

throwing ounce at me they’re throwing an 8th

to 1/4 you know

when I tell them how I was

stone and saw

the the miracle on the Hudson happen

just afterwards okay

we were down there at Chelsea Pierce

and people running I saw a fucking cop on a horse I am

stoned out of my fucking mind

I my act I sound stone like a biblical whore and I am

I’m fucking

wasted and I’m like walking seriously I’m fucked

up like if it wasn’t

like 29 degrees and

sunny I would have passed the fuck out

I was that high wow I had a big

thing a hash and I put that in the middle I made a Joey

Diaz Cuban sandwich

where the Ogs on the

sativa on the top and then a

big fucking chunk of hash about a over 1g and

an OG finish

okay yeah that’s

it I was the one of the most fucked up I’ve ever been

and I’m walking and in so much I’m

seeing people run from the end of the pier to the edge

overhead helicopters I see a cop on a fucking horse

and I’m like

and he was within

20ft of me and I’m like

where the fuck are you

going sundance

I mean it won’t appear

okay you’re on a fucking pier there’s people all

around you know my kid has been my wife’s arms you know

what the fuck wow okay

and we went down there to go see that I’m a kind of

a aviation buff

and the AR was

the Blackbird spy

plane the AR

71 I think it was

um it’s the fastest

plane we ever

built you know that we told anyone about

and it’s fucking cool as shit because

on its last

voyage it flew from New York to LA

or LA to New York

in like 38 minutes

something insane

speed I laid in New York in 38 minutes

time traveling

that’s that’s how is that real

look it up AR

17 AR some AR

17 blackbird

SR SR 71 SR

71 just making

some numbers up no no no

SR 71 it’s a

Blackbird spy plane 71

check that fucker out

and it was the it was the last

declassified

flight of it

it was the only one that they showed the speed

and and we retired this

motherfucker

why would you ever retire this

thing can you put it up there bro

and I don’t know how to do all this shit

you’re amazing

I got an iPad

where is your friends you play

dude this thing goes 2000

miles an hour

so then it couldn’t have gone

it couldn’t have been

this is what

they did in one hour

and 54 minutes

they went from New York to London

that’s a flight the 6 hour flight they did an hour and

54 months they went from the last

one the flu

the one that’s at the

the battleship there

was it the intrepid

mm hmm okay

down on Chelsea Pierce

alright that’s

what I wanted to go see I wanted to be high and be

close to that fucking

jet right I mean that’s almost time

traveling I mean do you

understand dude

I mean that’s fucking mind blowing in

2 hours you can

leave London

you can have

tea in London and

lunch and dinner in New York City

and not miss a fucking beat bro

that’s amazing

that’s that’s

transporter shit

yeah okay that’s amazing you know what’s really

crazy is they used to have that Concord that you

could fly to Europe

supersonic plane

and it used to go super high

it was like way higher than a regular plane so

literally like you were on the border of fucking space

yeah border of

space going to

the speed of

sound right

fucking a man

stop and think about a

plane that goes as fast as fucking

sound and you’re sitting in that bitch

just fuck but yeah you don’t feel

the G force because they just they don’t make any

sudden moves and they just slowly amp it up

it’s fucking insane

insane it just goes

straight up and straight down

it’s the speed of

sound man the

speed of sound in a fucking plane

but it kept killing too many rich folks boy yeah right

the altitude

they fucked up and I

think the last one I think was

a really dumb fuck up to it’s like someone hit a tire

that was left on the track like

the Concorde hit it and fucking

caused a gigantic explosion

and everybody died

yeah in the general

when those people are

dying they’re dying

these are people that are paying like $10,000 a

ticket right

more than that

the more than that first

class first

class yeah yeah

right but so $10,000 feels like regular

right yeah for like economy

economy is $10,000

and it’s just to save a few

hours of your time

that’s really what it is

it’s the end of

the novelty

effect of it I remember I was

watching some talk show as a kid and there was an actor

who said the coolest

thing he’d ever done was take that Concorde

yeah and then

stand on his seat so he was the highest person in the

world whoa that’s hilarious

and he’s right it was

he stood on his

feet and he was

the highest

alive person no there was no astronauts in

orbit at that time

there was nothing

going on the

plane still

freaked me out just the idea that you’re in this

metal tube it’s

30 000 feet in the air and you’re just sitting there

just chilling and looking at your iPad and you’re and

you’re like atoms are holding us up

your invisible eyes

disconnected from the ground that’s

where I want to be I want to be on the ground

where it’s safe

you have no

fucking feet up there ooh

I get a lot of anxiety when I fly

what do you

think they have that we don’t know

about one of the

things you said

about the SR 71 you said it was the fastest plane

that we have that we know

about that we have a

total one about

yeah do you

think they have

some technology

well it would just seem to reason I mean

wouldn’t it be the logic that

if you made that much progress in 30 years

that exponentially if you take the same progress

like in cell

phones in the last 20 years

from a briefcase with a

cord and a headset

and then the move down was the brick

okay that was the

after that okay that same

technology now

they’re microscopic and they can

you know tons of data

I mean you just take that same

stream of technology

and apply that

to another sector

where we’re

spending billions and billions and billions of dollars

on projects that we don’t even know about

fuck yeah there’s

gotta be something faster

I wanna know

about I wanna know about Harp

up in Alaska

I wanna know about

um the f f 23

that supposedly can hover and

and it’s a scram jet

okay I want to know

about that that it

could fly at a hundred

20,000ft okay and that can go from

it can go from

last night while outside of Los Angeles Las Vegas

supposedly it fucking takes off and then it refuels

at about 90,000ft

no 45,000ft on its way to 90,000ft

and then it hits the after

so it means a

plane and refuels in the air

how dope is that

they refuel in the fucking sky yeah and

how the fuck are they doing that man I don’t know

and then it’s the

cleanest burning

and it’s the fastest and people can go from

lots it’ll be over the Pacific

where there’s nobody

they fucking they refuel

and then they hit that scramjet and they go to

120 140 000 feet

like the outer

atmosphere shit and then bounce back

off of it and

what you don’t understand

well if you go straight up

and you continue in a straight line

the Earth is moving at like 17 000

miles per hour

so that’s adding to your speed

it’s like a

trippy when you add altitude to it

and then gravity on top of that

compounding so you’re falling

much faster you know

it could go up to

theoretically

3 000 miles per hour 4 000

miles per hour

damn fucking amazing do you

guys remember how cool it was in the 80s I don’t know

about that black bird

remember the

black bird it was like the F 15

or what was it was

like a wrap your head around that kind of fucking speed

no man it’s time

traveling man

that’s the closest we’re ever

gonna get I wonder if they have some shit that’s

not released that’s even faster than what we know

about like 3 or 4 times the

speed of sound some really nutty

what about what

about that decommissioned

super Collider in Waxahahachy

Texas that’s

still a federal off

limits facility that

that say we did

say we created the

guide particle like they did in Switzerland

and which is a controlled

microscopic

subatomic black hole

and then the energy explodes out that we collect

that theoretically that in a

bottle any matter

we could we could

stream bang into each

other and control that black hole

that we could

in the left of my

water get boom from there we

could fuel all of

North america’s energy sources

isn’t that amazing

it’s fucking unbelievable

the super colliding shit like that

right I mean it’s fascinating but I mean I think

the idea behind

making the little

black holes that they don’t have enough gravity to stay

alive yeah yeah they die out

well that’s

the well the

scary version so you’re

you’re thinking that

someone’s doing something with the one they have in

Texas is that what you’re saying

yeah that it’s not

been decommissioned

yeah and that it’s being used I mean

the fucking government uses

everything else

from the fifties

they’re gonna they’re

gonna drop you know

800 billion in a fucking hole in wax

hatching and then just say

fuck it we’re out

well I don’t funding

thing though

you know a lot of times there’s just not enough

money to run shit if they don’t

think they’re

gonna get a

direct result off of the

experiments

like what is what’s

gonna be profitable out of

these experiences what military are

applications it’s

gonna come from this

experiment and if there’s none

it’s real hard

to justify when the economy goes to shit they

close things like

down all the time

yeah yeah but I mean is it really

close though

so we think

they’re doing something

some crazy shit yes

maybe the whole area 51 is the most fascinating

thing to me that they had a

whole area that they denied even existed

yeah until I

think it was like in the late 90s they

tried to expand

the boundaries of it and they

they had to

claim more land

for to be restricted

and they had to

admit that it

exists in the

first place

but for the

longest time there was just people waiting with guns

but too many dudes

found like this spot in the hills

where you could watch them

experiment with

their aircrafts

and too many guys who worked there

who either got

fired or went crazy

and like Bob Lazard

you know he is

he’s the guy that you know he’s been

ridiculed a

lot of people say that he’s full of shit and

he lied about his education

background I don’t

know what’s the case or what’s not the case but his

story hey I

lied on the resume to get a job yeah

well you need to say he had degrees in

places they said he

never enrolled and there’s like old yearbooks from

those times

and he does he’s not in the yearbook so it seems like

at the very

least he’s made some things up

so you know

you gotta look

at it and say well you probably made it all up but the

point is he

would take his friends to

watch these

things fly in the

air and he said he worked there they arrested him there

and once they arrested him there

there’s like

you know it was his big

story and he came out and said there was flying

saucers there and that he had worked on them

tried to back engineer him

right fucking fascinating shit

but the the

point the number one point is

there really is a place

where they’re doing

secret shit and they

didn’t want people to know

about it and they had to tell people

exist in the 90s

once they had

satellites and

satellites started flying over and taking

photographs of it

and people could see like the

whole facility and

Groom Lake and you

could see all

these you know

these air hangers

like they’re doing some nutty shit out there man

they’re like that’s

where they’re making

and that’s just

like stealth

bombers and yeah

that’s just the shit on the surface yeah there’s

video technology

is badasses is

it’s 30 fucking years old

I think a lot of what they’re doing is drones man

there’s a fascinating oh

yeah man of

these people

this is before they shut it down

these people were

watching like from

some park spot and they were filming

these things flying through the air

and like you know you’ve

never seen anything

move like this and I’m like well that’s probably

because there’s no people in it it’s probably like

drone they’re probably all drones

exactly like this but

small yeah exactly

maybe blackbirds yeah

well you know what I mean we know

that they have them now

we know that they have them

so if that’s

what they saw in 1996 and shit when people were filming

that’s probably

the answer to a lot of this UFO bullshit

well I don’t believe in Ufos

I think that time travel

is a closer

thing than the distance

or they’re creating some kind of worm

but I don’t believe in

aliens I don’t think

I think that they

exist I just don’t

think they’ve ever been here

I’m not convinced that they have or

haven’t I could see it argued either way it

sounds totally preposterous

when you watch

those ancient

alien shows and you see that guy with the crazy hair

talking all

nonsense about you know how they believe that

you know aliens

taught all these

different people

all these different things but

you know look if

if we are people

and we have aspired to travel

and we supposedly have been to the moon

if we have that sort of

capability in our primitive

stage of development

what if there’s a

culture 100,000 200,000

300,000 years

older than us that’s nothing in that lip of

time that’s nothing so a

culture that survives

by the meteor yeah a

culture that survives that’s 2 or

3,000,000 years

older than us they’re

gonna be so fucking far

ahead of us

that they would

literally be able to

bypass all the ideas or have come to a resolution

on all the ideas

about interrupting

life and genetically engineering new life

to them it would be like

yeah of course you do it this is what you do you just

make new shoes

yeah we go there and we

introduced our genetics into these

monkey genetics

and these monkeys have this crazy

thing happens

where their

brain doubles

over a period of 2,000,000 years and they become humans

did that happen I don’t know

but there’s a lot of fucking stories

all these different

stories from so many different religions

and so many different ancient texts all have to do

with some higher being coming from the sky

I mean what the fuck

a little bit though that people just want

to believe in something else maybe

and it’s possible I mean

humans I mean

it’s not an either or

you know saying

it’s not either or

we don’t assholes I mean

where if you’re a survivor

at this point

that you come from a long line of assholes

you know we were the guys who

ate the last bit of food we were the ones that

didn’t share during famine

you know and well

I don’t know

it’s that easy

I know what you’re saying but not

really you know all you have to do is get a

group of cool people together to

fight off the assholes and you survive

as well you don’t have to be an asshole to survive

no you can be the cool

smart people that get together and

fight off the asshole yeah

so just because we’re here

doesn’t mean we’re the children of assholes

but it crazy out

every I mean like

every we’re just barbaric

I mean well

you know from the fucking Mayans to the

everybody in Europe the different

clans you know they were just barbarians I mean just

the fucking Huns that you know we like one and

what is it 6 people have the same DNA as Genghis Khan

or some shit like that

how badass everybody is Kong

he comes out of the steps of Mongolia and fucking

sweeps in and takes almost the

whole world

and that fucking amazing I mean

grass he was a lobster

he was fucking gangster

couldn’t it

be awesome to be able to get real documentary footage

like the coolest

fucking thing

would be you can’t

travel through time but what you can do is go back in

time and watch it and record it

well you know if you imagine if you

found a way to extract it from trees like

visuals yeah

this is a thousand year old tree let’s see what’s seen

right well technically

you know since we’re just reflecting

light and that’s all

we are okay and

light travel set

which is reflecting lame

this is the ultimate

stoner talk

right here I know right

we all just

reflected why were you in

Guam by the way

I was there

to do a bunch of shows

I was there to do a

bunch of shows

it’s like he’s been bothered for 20

minutes I’m sick

fuck man I forgot that we were talking

about that yeah

me too I was just talking about this

I love this

this shit man

getting high

and fucking talking about

what I’m talking

about hold on let me finish the

point and then I fucking

tell you my

foes dude okay

check it out

that if you

could go faster than the

speed of light

to the time

and then with a

powerful enough

telescope pointed at us to catch the light reflected

okay you could use

just as satellite technology looks down on the Earth

you could see the reflection of the Earth

from that time

and visually prove everything you wanted to

well what if you went faster out into

space okay you go faster on the space and then you have

a telescope you have a telescope

that could look back and capture the

light that’s coming off the Earth the

light that’s coming from the Earth as you go away

yeah you would

theoretically be looking at

Earth at that point right the reflection of the light

so you could see you would be looking at

Earth at that point in time yeah so at the

speed of light I see what you’re saying

earth’s history would come at you

I mean if you could visually swatch it sort of

but you would be a thousand years in the future looking

a thousand years in the past so you’d really more

than a thousand

same moment

theoretically it

would still

freeze it would

still be the

exact same distance between

Earth and you at all

points it was

the same right but that that

doesn’t matter it’s

no it’s the

that light that light

is reflects off of it so you can

catch an image

of what it might not be a perfect image

right so as you’re

going say if you’re

going 1,000,000

miles an hour

it’s as it’s 1,000,000

miles away yeah

no no no the

light from a

thousand years ago I know what you’re saying as

you move the idea behind

it is if you move into the future faster than the

speed of light what happens back here

moves at a much much much faster pace

right no yeah what I’m saying is is that the

light that bounces off the

Earth right

okay has an

image and that

image is the same

traveling off the

Earth at the

speed of light

if you go out into space

faster than the speed of

light okay so you can look

back before

it yeah yeah you

could look back at the

image of the

Earth with a

powerful enough telescope

all right and see

the history of Earth

come forward

whoa okay so you’re saying that if you go

say if you go forward like

some fucking insane

like if you went faster than

light Alpha Centauri

look back and

see the Earth if we have the kind of

technology that will allow you

to even though you’re billions of

light years away or however far

away you are

look back and see the

Earth and get

close to the actually to the ground

so you can even from

100 million

light years away

you still have full

view of the

Earth it wouldn’t be full

it would be obscured there

would be you know there’s dark patches and only the

light that bounces off is the

sunny side so you

could see the

sunny side of the Earth yes

you couldn’t

catch anybody because people do fucked up shit at night

you’d be doing

almost all the real fucked up shit happens

you wouldn’t get nothing you have no

proof on me you

can see wars

you can see you saw a

shadow in the window bitch you don’t know nothing it’s

fuck you I’m not saying I’m not going for court

alright I’m just saying I see what you’re saying though

it’s trippy

total stoner thought right there out

it should be talk well the idea of time itself is very

trippy and especially because it’s limited

you know so true limited we are our physical

bodies find it

limited but when you get past our physical

bodies and all other physical

bodies time is just sort of fly it’s one thing

yeah just one

big gigantic moment

yes we don’t last

yeah time’s only important to us that’s the

mind fuck that’s that is exactly it

the real mind fuck is that

you’re dying

as soon as you’re born you’re dying

well I do it I

watched a fucking god get killed by a bear

today somebody put it up

on a broken

board it was a fucking

Sarah Palin

it was a trained bear

and the trained bear had been in

movies before man and the fucking guy was a gentleman

they had this bear

in this pen and they’re

training it and doing things with

it he just turns on this guy

out of nowhere and rips his throat apart

and just tears at it and shakes him

that’s why I never want to go up into

space and look at the future

in the past 10 000

years I want fucking bears up there I know

I was watching that Sarah Palin just the

promos for that shit undiscover or whatever it is

and that bitch is fishing next to grizzly bears

and I just want the grizzly bear to go fuck you I’m

union I got

union during the Grizzly Man movie

all right it’s your ass

I’m coming and just attack the fucking boat

it’s very frightening they’re very fucking they are

powerful animals man

they can rip a

horse’s fucking head off with his

paw I’ve talked

about it too much over the past few weeks and I talked

about it yesterday on the Tom

Green Podcast but there’s a video you

should see folks

it’s a bear eating a

moose alive

and it’s on the Internet you

wanna know how

ruthless fucking nature is man they’re fucking brutal

they don’t even kill you man they just

start eating yeah they don’t care

they’ll get down

and eat you

while you’re

still flying oh

Jack yeah kill me first this

video though the

crazy thing is this is a

trained bear this guy had raised

this bear and

trained it and his his

I believe it was his cousin was in the rink

with it you know as they were

working with the bear and the bear just for whatever

reason just decided to attack him out of nowhere

unprovoked just good

fucked him up man good

you think so really yes

why are you fucking with a bear

it’s a bear

it’s a fucking go

let it fucking

let it just

chill somebody’s

gonna somebody’s

gonna do like if you

have a movie

where you have a guy

wrestle a bear

someone’s got to

train that fucking bear we can’t

have a movie CJ

yeah you know what you

never see that

movie Congo

yes yeah when they had

those big crazy

monkeys that were so obviously men with

monkey suits

yes it was annoying man and CGI

has fixed all this

Michael Clarke Duncan

wasn’t working then I mean

how dare you

that’s my favorite earthquake joke how dare you bro

if you knew

earthquake the comedian earthquake what’d he say

he said that he went on an audition

and so for Planet of the Apes

and saw Michael Clarke Duncan in there

and he called his agent and just left

he said that motherfucker didn’t need makeup

how rude is there

earthquakes I’m sorry that’s hilarious

all right I’m sorry

even in Guam there’s earthquake

trying to get back to the

do you know they’re protected by the Mariana Church

the lowest place on Earth

they’re protected by it yeah

protected by the lowest spot on Earth

the immense cavern

takes out a lot of the energy from the tsunami

how deep the

water gets really yeah so they are protected by a reef

and they’re

protected by the Marianas so

they’ve never been jacked by a tsunami

no they come but they don’t get the full width and

breadth of it

a lot of the energy is lost in the Canyon

is that trench

where they recorded that insane

biological sound I know

they call it the Bloop

there’s one crazy sound that

they recorded that so many times louder than anything

they’d ever recorded that was biological

under the water and they know it’s biological

I don’t know what it was it’s like mayhem underwater

screaming times 2 man that guy

is he’s a little much right baby who mayhem

I love that guy

I met him at this podcast the

Full Spectrum bro that’s the full spectrum

that guy is a killer I

look in his eyes and I’m like yeah that’s a guy I don’t

wanna fuck with like he

would love to hurt me

well like it’d be just a goat joy’s fighting

yeah he enjoys it and he’s fucking good at it

he likes it it’s what he’s supposed to be doing

yeah you know there’s a broad spectrum of human beings

yeah man I totally agree

everybody’s supposed to be doing their

thing you know

sometimes people find their

thing and it matches up with

their personality and sometimes they just fight

it imagine if he didn’t get into it

can you imagine if he just didn’t get into

fighting and instead

he was like ah I’m just

gonna work at Toys R Us

and like you’re just like man oh

I’m sorry first fucking fallen Day waiting to happen

that would be a problem fallen

Day waiting to happen

yeah that would be a fucking problem

like I’m always nervous around

Eddie Bravo

late at night

why have you seen him drunk

I’ve seen him drunk

and he’s not worth

it’s just the idea that

he kills you anytime he wants yes that is very

scary and the fact that there is nothing I

could do but you know

and then he tells guys that are like

double the size

how he’d choke him out from underneath

okay and I’ve never

I never even

heard that I didn’t know what that was

and he’s laughing about it

oh yeah I do I’d

climb up him

okay and then like fucking leg lock him and

choke him out and shit like this and I’m like

it’s so weird because I don’t get that from

Eddie Brow as

as I do with Mayhem like with Mayhem I I feel

oh yeah but what about

Eddie he’s always just so

happy and nice

and everything you

think about him

is not competing yeah

you know the difference

is the guys that are competing guys are like actively

fighting in MMA

they all are super

they have to always

be ready to

train and to

spar and they’re always thinking

about competition they’re always

training hard

they’re always ramped up you know

and most of them are really calm

like mayhem’s is about as

exaggerated

of personalities exactly but that’s just who he is

he’s always been like that I’ve

known that dude forever well you have too yeah

he’s always been like that

but just the fact that they’re in competition mode

that’s like

some primal shit you’re at 9 all the time you know

your senses are heightened you’re

training for combat man that’s like some serious shit

can you imagine that jeer

every day like from

like from like the

Spartans how they you know they get

their kids kidnapped and

taken and beaten

and fucking

toughened up and

toughened up you know and then

they escape at 18 and they go

rape and steal

a girl out at

night you know

Sparta was fucking

I mean these guys they were warriors it’s

crazy when you think

about what pussies we are today

and that people had to be like that at one

point in time for us to get till

today they had to be

strong they had to be able to

fight off fucking animals and

hordes of invading

tribes you had to be

strong to stay

alive just a few thousand years ago

it’s crazy a

few thousand

150 yeah 150 fucking year 2 lifetimes

do the Wild West that was the 1800s

yeah man yeah

1865 was the abolition of slavery

right was it 1875 or 1865 65

and then you’ve got you know fucking cowboys

and Indians

going to war

war just fucking

patching knife

fighters oh

those guys are nasty

did you see the

thing where

Obama got in

trouble because he

was talking

about Sitting Bull

and recognizing the Sitting Bull was a hero

and you know that you know

it was like

I guess it was a part of some book that he has has some

child book and

people are going

hey Sitting Bull like killed like a lot of fucking

Americans yeah

it did it’s

funny because

we’re acknowledging now that we’ve integrated

the American Indian into the

whole American

culture like they’re a part of us

now we’re sort of acknowledging

that the original Americans just fuck them

you know and

this guy fought back and this guy’s a hero for fighting

essentially us

well you know it’s mind boggling

when you say you know

we’re the land of the free

because of an act of terrorist

oh that’s a Willie Nelson he’s in fucking

gonna be in jail I know man that’s crazy

my dick yeah

but you know we say

that you know we

we you know we spout

all this patriotism and stuff

and and if you go to the Boston Tea Party

which is fucking

which is dum dums

republicans

that are mad that we have a

black guy or saying you know we’re tea

party is okay yeah

they’re fucking

talking about a terrorist act

that was a terrorist act it was not an act of war

you know that right

we call it rebellion

because we’re on this fucking side of it

but it was a fucking

basically a terrorist act

if what we what what

is if white guys

today dressed up

as as Arabs

okay and attacked a private company

and destroyed property

we’d call it a terrorist act

okay all right and that’s exactly what we did

right okay it’s a terrorist

act yeah I know what you yeah

and that’s how we bore our nation

and the same

thing that you

know we accuse Afghanistan of being terrorist

because they want to kill us

or they killed this many and they don’t want to be

under our fucking rule

how dare we be an empire

like the fucking British were to us

well we’re a lot crazier than that

we’re more crazy than any

empire ever we have military presence in over a hundred

countries yeah

do you know what that means

yeah we’ve got guns all over the

world and jets and

American soldiers

ready to go

anytime what’s up

dude just ready to go

strategically placed in all sorts of areas

that can get jets to them in time are you nervous

about this fucking

North Korea guy no

really not at all no he just

wants to die he

just wants better

trade agreements

he’s not gonna die I don’t have any food but he’s

about to die he’s already

named his incense

nothing’s gonna happen but look

at his son though his son’s

ready to jump in

but he looks like he’s a nice

young guy that played

Starcraft and he’s

gonna be like finally

dad’s gone I

could play Starcraft with all my friends yeah

right I was maybe

play Starcraft I mean he’s not as fun as

you have nuclear weapons you can use

I’m telling you man

it’s like a nice they

bomb the fuck out of that island they they

attacked an island

right yeah they

they shelled the shit out of it for

hours they flattened it

really and what

was on the island who was on the island people

south Koreans yes they killed

thousands supposedly really yes

and blew up a

fucking island

you heard it was

7 I thought

7 people were in this

is a retard

conversation we

should go Google

yeah and then

they killed 47

South Korean

sailors they down

the fucking ship and said then they said they didn’t

motherfucker we got you on tape be

what happened

they they fucking blew up a battleship

and not a battleship it’s like a trawler

of the South Korean navy

they they blew it up

killed 47 sailors

that’s act of war 2 dudes died 2 dudes

on the shell and they both died of AIDS haha

they both had to

hear they were like I’ll tease

them to our conversations numbers I

think we need to leave out numbers

until we know these bitches

it’s 2 people died bro

to those those humans does humans

and the shelling that’s it oh my God

what about the 47 sales that’s

still people that fucking died man that ain’t

crazy the guy’s killing people

yeah he’s killing

people in there yeah it looks like let’s

burn checked

well maybe you’re

right man maybe he’s so fucked up he is

gonna try to actually go out with a bang I

think he’s fucking

crazy dude you

never know man I

think they don’t

underestimate Cuckoo

you gotta be pretty

crazy to want to be

some sort of a leader like that a leader of a country

leader of a cult leader of anything

to be that arrogant that you

should be the main person

it means really just playing up on a flaw

in human nature

the flaw is the necessity of the alpha

where we’re always looking to the one person that we’re

gonna be led by

that’s how all

tribes of animals deal with

it tribes of

wolves do it

tribes of monkeys do it and tribes of

humans do it

we need one person even that one person isn’t qualified

as long as there’s one person in that position

that’s why you

know the Socio Palin

thing is possible

you don’t have to be qualified

you just have to be in the position

you know this

guy isn’t qualified to be the president of

North Korea

you tell me

other North Korean people

haven’t said listen I’m a lot more reasonable

I could get shit done with

other countries yeah we

could have better eat

more food or

anything like that is there cabbage in

every pot in the ground

chicken in every

pot yeah right

yeah you got to be a

You got to be a really

twisted motherfucker to want to run

things they’ve got fucking rockets that hit

off the shore of Hawaii

do they really yeah

they get into

Hawaii yeah

wow you had enough fuck up Hawaii I like

Hawaii awesome the great

I was there after Guam

all right I give you say

Brian you’re not gonna fuck up Hawaii

well what if they do man

if they’re willing to fuck up

these people on this island man let me tell you what

the fact there’s over 1,000,000 infantry of North Korea

that’s what people do there they don’t make anything

everybody is fucking in the army it’s true all

right if they wanted to walk over

South Korea there’s nothing we could do

with 28,500

US troops right there

except for battlefield nukes

just prevent it do you understand

the complete wipe out and within hours

they could take soul

all of it be gone

we all love it bedazzled really how much

how many troops does

the United States have there

28,500 I think that’s plenty

it’s not with the shit we got son well

yeah well that’s what I’m saying without battlefield

nukes yeah there’s no way to do it they got jets

don’t they have like jets and fucking they have jets

and shit do they have jets they’re all the same shit

would they get Soviet shit yeah

and Chinese shit

Chinese shit yeah

motherfucker

those those

man they man they fuck up your Nikes

let me tell you what they can fuck up a jet

they’ll make a fast Mig

yeah man and they got a lot of them

and they got a shitload of numbers dude

that’s the real

crazy just our

share numbers you couldn’t stop that the real crazy

thing is China

I mean if you really wanted to have a country

if we are in one

sort of situation like we used to have

like with the United States

versus Russia

when I was a kid

it was always everyone was

worried that Russia was

going to do wolverines

the United States yeah

yeah wolverines

reddogs those

motherfuckers yeah

everybody was concerned that

we were going to eventually get involved

in some sort of a nuclear exchange and you always

heard oh we almost came to a nuclear exchange

a mistake and we got out of it and luckily

cooler heads prevail

shall we play

again yeah and

would you like to play a game

and um shit

that was just I mean

that was just a little

while ago man we kind of forgot what that’s like

but China is in the position to be that

again yeah yeah

they are ruthless people they are ruthless

they’re ruthless and there’s so many of them they

look if you

watch like some of the HBO

special before

I think on some of the shit that’s

going down in

China right now

you know what’s really popular what’s happening a lot

people selling

their kids yeah

people are having

their kids and selling them and they’re like 5 and 6

years old corporation

so hot right now

selling this corporation terrifying man

there’s a whole show on it

where this brother

you know his

brother was 5 and his brother was kidnapped and they

kidnapped his brother instead of him because he was

8 and he would have

known how to get home

so they kidnapped this fucking 5 year

old and took him away and he sold it his father sold it

and his father’s talking

about it he had to sell one of his sons

and he didn’t want to but

he had to do it so he went with the younger one because

he didn’t know any better and he

could trick him

something along

those lines but

you know he was talking

about how the

he was really

upset that the the

the older boy was was

still mad at him

about it yeah but

these kids are probably the kids that are smoking

cigarettes where you see on like the YouTube

videos and stuff like

this guy’s a dick I

would sell them for 5

he’s you I’m

smoking all my

cigarettes at all

he’s just a little boy man the little boy whose

brother was left behind

it was really really

heartbreaking

it’s horrible he’s talking

about missing his brother

and how his brother is

so mad at his father that

his father sold his brother I was like you

gotta be fucking shitting me man

and all the

time he’s wearing

him to corporations he’s wearing

dirty clothes

and he’s in this fucking

shack you know this little shack

with his dad

and his dad was trying to explain how he needed the

money and the only way it’s like

the only way to

citizenship

basically like in

Roman times

is to be in the army

know to go from poverty to

Grace and stuff

is they have intellect

okay to show

you know an aptitude

for military service

or science or math or

you know athletics

or you go to the fucking

drones in in

China I mean in China

you have to be

you have everybody joins the military in China too

yeah it’s got a huge fucking military how

big is your military

it’s only a number

I know you got one in your head come on

it’s supposedly the 3rd largest overall

3rd largest when you

when you incorporate its

power strength my own

power rating is number 3

but on sheer numbers

if they wanted to because they have like the National

guard there where people are

you know that

aren’t in certain areas they’re like the National

guard even though they

might work at a factory also

if you enlist

this militia

it’s the largest army in the

world real number

yeah by number wow

that’s crazy

way by number and then

but by power it’s

only number 2

it’s a whole

interesting life that they have there man you know

this all the shit that’s

going down with

these companies that have people working insane

hours and people are jumping off

buildings and shit just wait the

whole concom thing

I read something

that was kind of an interesting rebuttal that Concom

because it talked

about all the suicides that Concom had

but then it

noted that Concom has over

500 000 employees

so is that an

above average it’s not really it’s not compared to the

population no it’s not

and you know yeah they’re working shit

jobs man those jobs suck

yeah they suck

they just suck

you’re gonna work on a factory assembly line yeah

guess what it’s not

gonna be school

goes in the hole

yeah you know why because Walmart wants to save

17 cents per

yeah I would

start selling kids

I could get like $10,000 selling my kids I’ll

just have a

baby factory

I don’t think they’re that

much no they’re not even that much that’s what’s that

you get like a

grand thank

God that’s way better than

that what is that like 6

months of work though it one of

those iPod probably

is but that by the time you’re done crying

that’s right when your

money right I just

gotta turn it off you

gotta turn it off

you gotta turn it off it’s your kid

yeah good luck with that you’re

not even haunted

dreams for the

rest of your fucking life man you just sold your son uh

haunted dreams that just goes okay

do that man

the apocalypse

that sell me

the apocalypse is

everywhere it’s just not here yet

the apocalypse is everywhere

there’s different lives that are experiencing it

all over the world and

individual basises with

individual families and

individual situations

there’s apocalypses all over Africa

all over parts of the

world all over china

it’s insane

the shit that’s going down in africa right now

if it was happening in your neighborhood you would be

smortifying it was the end of the world

you know what’d be cool

is the run through with machetes and cut people’s

heads off and hands yeah there’s a lot of hacking to

death with machetes

and taking kids

and getting them drug addicted and

shooting cocaine

and hair on

america should

start franchising itself like as a brand name

like hey we’re

gonna have an america opening up in your neighborhood

and you can have our laws and rules and

protection know it’s

gonna cost you

money and it’s

gonna start popping up like starbucks

franchise like

dude dude let’s go to the american it is the

last employee

yeah that’s a

great idea we just go to africa and just jacket

yeah and then go

i think we already did that bro

we did that in africa

well they try to

what’s going on

right now is

there’s so much war

civil war in the congo

there’s a lot of like

expensive shit in the concordia

holes and stuff

lithium use

they just found lithium there

so now there’s the next gold rush

the congos that’s a battery

so much rape and crime and

it’s even you

and workers man

like people who have worked for the un

are down there raping and killing

that’s why you need to go to america

yeah so do you

think we can go

there and take

don’t play any

music bro know

where the food is no

we’re gonna go on serious so we

gotta keep doing that

fuck us up man it’s america

yeah but you don’t own that

do you own that

do you own that

song i’m friends with the people that do

no you’re not

call trey don’t say your friends

unless you can call that dude

right now and go yo what up

trey it’s brian

he’s not gonna answer that

phone he’s gonna go who is this

weird fuck he’s not

gonna sue you

you don’t know that sir

you can’t you

gotta get releases for shit this is the karaoke

version oh that

makes it good

same tunes man you can’t i couldn’t even hum

that song that door song in my

my comedy central special

i couldn’t go do do do do do do do

do that couldn’t do that

you can’t do that because someone owns that

and you know

what no one gave me any shit when i sampled

kung fu fighting in my second special

you sampled it you mean you got on

stage and sang it yeah i hummed it hmm well

yeah carl douglas what

is there a time where

music becomes

everyone’s property isn’t there like some sort of a

thing that happens with books and

literature wherever

there they become property like

what is the term i

think it is i

think it’s you

know like you can’t

you know like christmas

songs you know like anyone can sing a christmas yeah

it was a public

domain song

public domain that’s exactly what the term

is public domain

yeah does that happen with with

every song or i don’t think

certain songs i mean it

should really

after like a hundred years or something

yeah yeah i don’t know

i don’t know man

you know it’s

you know there’s somebody who gets paid on

happy birthday

yeah that’s

pretty nuts like when you go to bennigan’s i can’t sing

happy birthday

yeah they have some have been

a version of it

so gross just do it and see if you get away with it

you know where they’re

gonna sue bennigan’s all over the world

saying happy birthday

that’s just gross

whoever would do that man what a piece of shit you are

you’re claiming you own

happy birthday just because you own that shit on paper

i mean you own happy birthday you fucking weirdo

i know it everybody’s

well we had a dream

how can you own that

shits been around forever forever

did someone actually write that yeah

two people apparently i doubt it

that’s what they say i don’t know

hey let’s get together and make a song together

that’s what they

do man they sit down trying to come up with a

catchy lingo

are you people following you right now

on what on this

stuff on twitter yeah there’s twitter’s

oh no shit yeah

see that’s why you need to get into twitter

i mean it’s

you the best

at twitter it’s like hey

i am in chicago

right now what’s the best

place to eat you’ll get

instant answers or what’s the best place to

where can i get some

weed you know

instant answers

oh you know

i answer those questions myself

it’s like instant information though it’s like can

you just do

that yourself though it’s text messaging

like 8 000 people

at once or how many of her followers you are so that

you can cinch

it out that’s amazing yeah

that’s a lot of

power it’s interesting

because you have

the combined knowledge

of 8 000 possibly

if they were all online at the same time

well that’s one question so you have the

population you

definitely get good answers

to a lot of shit

and if you’re an interesting person and you’re into

things that you know

fascinating

things about science and

space and i know you are

when you tweet

those if you find something online and you find some

story like whoa

check this shit out you know they just invented bam

and you put

that link up

you put that link up

a bunch of dudes will retweet that link

and then they’ll

start sending you shit hey

ralphie i know you’re into this

space shit check this out they

discovered this doom

and that’s what’s

going on in my

heart heard

about heart

yes that’s fucking amazing what have you

heard with her

that we are

that we are we are

secretly having a war

we are attacking pakistan

china india

um bangladesh

in indonesia that

whole area a region

through bending the ionosphere

with massive

radio waves so what are we

doing alaska

we’re causing flooding

like like beyond

all time it’s ever been recorded

concentration of

earthquakes

that we were leaving the pressure that we’re moving the

ionosphere wait a minute

where are you getting all this

are you sure yeah

yeah this is

no i’m not sure

but i mean that’s what i’m saying i mean are you sure

i know what you’re saying i know that but i’m saying

that the floods this year were the

greatest of all time that they have

according to usgs they have a higher

rate of we’re in a very high

earthquake for

asia central asia

and south asia

of all time

okay yeah but

ralphie that easily

could be because the

cycles of the earth

that doesn’t mean shit

that we have only

what we’ve studied

as far as like

earthquakes and

floods and you

know the history of

weather and disasters

this is we’re dealing with a tiny fraction

of the time that the

earth has existed

our data is so small

so when you say something like you

know there’s

record earthquakes or

record floods

the record is like you just woke up

and the phone rang and you’re like this

phone has rang a record number of times today

cause it only rang once

cause you’ve only been

awake for five minutes

our knowledge of the

earth is so fucking

minuscule that

anytime people get

crazy and start saying

things like oh there’s a record number of

earthquakes

it must be because

someone’s attacking pakistan with a

lightning bolt that goes into the sky

it’s not necessarily

the fact that

sounds sexy as fuck that

sounds sexy as fuck that’s what i

would that’s

but i don’t

think it’s that simple

i don’t think it’s that simple i think

who knows what it’s a research project it’s a high

frequency active auroral research program

we don’t know exactly what they’re doing they

could be doing a

bunch of different

things they

could be trying to charge up the

ions but the idea that they’re

somehow they’re

shooting something into

space and attacking pakistan dude

someone’s bullshitting you

because that is not what’s happening

okay there’s just no evidence

that points to that at all

no no there’s all

these there

wouldn’t people that want

everything to be sexy

they want everything to be sexy they want

everything to be the government’s attacking us from

space they want

everything to be

conspiracy and the problem with that kind of

thinking is

it fucks up the ones that are real conspiracy

because there’s a lot of them

i think that’s a real because it’s a real place

and harp is

deaf they’re

definitely doing real research

but i don’t know

i don’t know what that is and i don’t

think you do either and i

think until

we do know yeah

you can’t really say that you can’t just go and

say they’re attacking pakistan with shit from the sky

no but that’s

the latest theory

i’m sorry but by who alex jones is

half retarded

illegitimate

brother who

i like jesse ventura but there’s a lot of conspiracy

i was a navy seal you should listen to me

that was there in the shit

i ain’t got time

yeah i listen to him too

and i think he’s another guy that’s looking for

things to be sexy

he wants conspiracies

there’s plenty of goddamn conspiracies that are real

but when you

start looking for them and

everything and saying that you know

you no no no

squirrely man no i just know that

they’re fucking with the

ionosphere and the bombarding

it sure but i don’t know what they’re doing or

why they’re doing it

you know could be some sort of weather

experimentation

could be some sort of

experimentation as far as like

recharging the magnetosphere or

changing things or keeping the poles

straight yeah who the

fuck knows what they’re doing i don’t know i don’t

have a goddamn clue

i know that’s why i really want to know more

about it there’s

a crazy one was

operation starfish prime

that’s what was

called they shot a nuke up into

space and blew it up yeah they

exploded a new way more fucking dangerous they did

in the 50s the russians did it well the americans did

we did it first

we blew it up in

inside the van allen radiation belts like they were

gonna try to

punch a hole through the

van allen radiation belt and they

fucked everything up

man made it like way more

radioactive the whole

thing is a disaster up there

be like that for like a billion years and shit yeah

it’s fucking done yeah

but it fucked out it stopped power in

new zealand

to australia to

los angeles

the impulse

was so much more magnified because

where it was it’s really

trippy when

you go back in time and look at how many different

things that

human beings did

where they just took a chance

like let’s see

what happens when we just blow up a nuclear bomb in

space let’s just

shoot it up there

and blow it up

and they all sat around thought

about it and go can we do that yeah you do that

john wayne made a

movie called

genghis khan

in the crater

of a fucking nuke

we we a surface detonated

and then like

eight years

later they made a film in the

crater really

that’s why everybody on that fucking

movie died of cancer i did

hear that he had done some

movie and they filmed it somewhere

here they’re doing nuclear

experiments

but i didn’t know they filmed it in the

crate in the fucking

crater dude

you can see

black google

ralphie may requires a lot of google

from you i’m sorry

okay so it’s john wayne john wayne by all genghis khan

how you spell it’s

multiple spellings but i think it’s g e n g h i s g

h i s then con k h a n

that was the role

that he played i don’t know if it was the name of the

movie but everybody on that fucking

thing from the set directors to catering died of cancer

wow did dingus kong nuke john wayne

right away man

right away stories

about it creepy fucking right wow

he was also a

you know two pack a day smokers insiv

above ground nuclear weapons testing

occurred at the test site

as part of operation upshot not whole

i’m telling you man

that’s where the pictures come from

used to do shit back there

but nineteen eighty one ninety

one of them had developed some sort form of cancer

and forty six had died of the cancer holy shit

almost every

one hundred and

twenty people in the entire cast and crew

almost half of them

that would be

just continuous yeah

you know exposure

yeah over multiple

weeks but they filmed really fast back then

so it wasn’t even like it was nowadays you know

wonder how long they were there for

yeah but what if they just all

ate red m and

m’s or something like that you know

what if it was

something else

nothing to do with the fact they were in a very

clear crater yeah

in a crater

blown up by a atomic bomb

i have life five thousand years and you’re just

chilling there

filming take tow

but i wouldn’t feel on

that one can we get another take on that one yes pissed

would you be

how pissed would you be if

you didn’t know

you didn’t know

the actors don’t know you

think john wayne knew

he didn’t know

nobody knew

the producers didn’t know either that’s a question

no one knew well they got

cheap shooting

they fucking

knew that long ago man that’s like the nineteen fucking

sixties and shit yeah it was in the sixties right

not to people with

shit just then

so it’s like

fifty years ago man

we didn’t know shit

amazing that’s incredible yeah

where’s your

where’s your survival place

i don’t know man i’ll go back to

colorado when the shit hits the fan

you still have your

place in colorado no

no i only leased it at

least it for a year

might slowly go back there my safe

place would

be the shower curled up in the fetal position yeah i’m

gonna kiss you

in my mouth kissing the

tree before i

drive off into the

background yeah

right take you

later zombie

hordes they’ll be coming for you son

man it will get very within days

metropolitan

areas will be

with that with interruption of

basic service

i’d probably go

right to get

on yeah that’s the problem

it just it only needs to be out for a couple weeks

what could happen in

the fucking horrors katrina

katrina that’s

terrible man

i’ve watched

documentaries on that shit it’s just it’s horrific

what that city went through

civilization just shut down

shut the fuck down and it only took a matter of days

tell you what you take

fresh water

and electricity away from people

and they go fucking cuckoo

for cocoa puffs it is amazing when they don’t

know how to survive

well yeah nobody does and

they go animal and it’s hot as fuck there fuck yeah

well you’re not supposed to be there the

whole city’s not supposed to be there yeah

it’s not supposed to be

underwater like that that’s the

crazy thing it’s

below sea level

yeah so you have walls up to keep the

ocean out holy shit and this

is where you back

the mississippi you sleep

yeah i know

it’s awesome but why is it awesome it’s

awesome because there’s people that are awesome why

not move the awesome people let’s all make an agreement

let’s all move our awesomeness

you know what they want to do to higher ground if they

if they hadn’t had this recession they were talking

about the largest

public’s work

thing ever they were

going to detour the

mississippi

to read around

the city of new orleans

to make a delta

to protect it

all right and they were

going to reroute the

mississippi

it’s what they the

the core of engineers

had slated as the largest public works

larger than the hoover dam

exponentially larger

jesus christ

an incredible

waste of money

but they were

gonna they’re gonna

build all this

thing they’re gonna help

and the idea is because

it’s so awesome new orleans is so awesome this is

yeah that it needs to be protected

it’s kind of

crazy man because it’s not like there’s a lack of

places to move to

there’s a lot of spots in this country that

we could you

could relocate like

how many people are living in new orleans though it’s

gotta be like a million

right yeah easy

something like that but

but you know it’s a

great generator for louisiana

that’s the real

problem it’s like moving them

quick impossible it’s

there’s too

many people well man i know houston’s not the same

since katrina but they

should have

sloped it’s not

right it’s really not dude it’s really fucking not

i mean the murder rate

went up like 340 percent

dude well we were there

right afterwards

and you could see like all

these people that had been displaced

yeah all over the streets of downtown

yeah this is like way different

than it was just a year ago yeah man

the whole new orleans

things got to

suck because new orleans like everybody talks about how

great the city is like

people fucking love that

place they love it

love it and that’s

what it’s like in this shit spot like fuck man yeah

you can what i was saying we know

they’ve loved the

moving it you really

could never move it you

never recreated it

wouldn’t work it wouldn’t

it’s a terrible idea

but you know be this

too bad they didn’t slowly like fucking creep back

into an area

and keep new orleans but slowly like there’s a lot of

people in new orleans

i lived in new orleans for like six months

did you yeah

i was cooking at noless

and um there’s a lot of people in new orleans

that believe again

cause it happened once in the sixties

during i think it was camille

that white people from a lake

punch train

blew up dynamite the levees

really yeah

isn’t that like a

spike lee conspiracy

no that’s a fact it’s a fact it’s a fact

and that people heard

loud explosions

that were still on the roofs

majority of them died when they drown

but okay so

these people they blew up the

levees to drown the

black people

no to drain lake poncho

train because it’s like pont train with

the largest amount of

water you keep them back okay

so in the areas that happen to be are the nice so

why do they want

why they want to do that

to save the

white communities on

punch journey

the really expensive homes

okay so they had a

train because

those homes were gonna get

increased by

water yeah the

water was about was

about the flood

oh so they jacked everybody by

breaking the dams and then killing a

bunch of people much people must have died

right yeah that’s

where i think 95

of the casualties

from katrina happened

was the flooding wow

and people go you know you’ve got time

and it’s like no you’re not you know i mean that

water is coming in

and like you know

a foot every second

why the fuck

yeah it’s like you can’t when the fuck you go

you knock the

hole and getting

stuck in your

house because there’s

water outside up to the

second floor

crazy and you’re

stuck in the attic

and then outside it’s

108 degrees

your bacon and that’s when people die

wow and there was a big big

big problem with the amount of response and the

quickness the response

yeah man i mean we can

you know in 18 hours we can be in fucking afghanistan

with you know 10 000 troops

in eighteen hours

we couldn’t go to new orleans

there’s no money there’s no

money in being able to go to new orleans it’s

crazy man money is in going to

countries with tanks and taking care of business i

know but it’s like it’s like you know

anista cooper’s there going hey was

hey this is all falling shit

well we don’t watch cnn we watch fox news and bill

riley says that

those black people should have left and fuck him

did he really say that no no he did

not say that no no he just gives off attitude fox i had

news gives off and a

actually attitude that shared by a lot of people

those people

knew that the hurricane was coming and they

should just leave

and but life on the

gulf if you ever

lived there

i mean you never

think you’re

gonna get fucking hit you have

parties the

see yeah you have parties and the truth is

that powers out for a week week and a half

two weeks if you

could take it

fuck it there’ll be ice

you know you’ll be able to

you’ll stay in your

house you won’t get looted all right

but you’re also talking

about people who are dirt poor

and don’t have a disposable

you know in case the fucking

hurricane hits

right now of course i’ve got you know 500

to take me to houston

to where my relatives are you know well on an

individual basis you

could always

understand everybody’s own

problems in getting out of there but

and you look at it objectively they’re

right the people

that are saying why are they living there they’re

right you really shouldn’t be living in a

place where

you’re that close

to some sort of army

corps of engineers has

fucked it up i

mean you know army corps of engineers fucked it up yeah

when they dredged

and they put the intercosal channel in

they stopped

the wetlands from being formed

the natural

delta effect of

the mississippi

is to meander

and they fixed it so they had proper channels

for shipping

oh yeah and what’s happening is it’s

eroding coastline

and coastline is

going further

and further back i see it being constantly built up

it’s being it’s being

allowed to erode and that’s why

hurricanes over the future

are gonna be more

damaging to the city of new orleans

and why is that important

because eighty

percent of well i know as soon as katrina happened

there was no fuel

in nashville

there was no fuel

there was no gas stations

and it got crazy

quick and people were like

having to go out and see

their neighbor and say hey do you

if you have gas yes i do i need to go

shopping i do too

great then when do you want to go

it was crazy

we have enough gas to go

shopping this was in nashville in nashville

how long did this go on for

it was gone on for like two and a half

weeks it didn’t happen in georgia too it happened in a

lot in a lot of other

states because that happened

while we were in atlanta

while that was

going down and the people were talking

about it when we were working at the

punch line right

and the employees were talking

about how there was no gas and people were waiting on

giant lines to get

giant lines and as soon as you say

you would you would

people were

going on their cbs

and internet and looking for trucks

i mean you know any

truck any tanker that was

going through

was being diverted

dude we don’t know

how close we are to the

tit dude we

are less than

eight hours away

from total catastrophe

at any time god damn it

ralph you made why are you

bringing this doomed

bloomware i’m just

trying to say

positive i’m trying to be positive

i’m just trying to tell you that you’re right to

train and be

ufc and be fucking

you know closer to your chimp

alright because we are very

close you know with our fucking iphones and

everything like this and twittering

and all this shit

you know we’ve got this amazing amount of power

that electromagnetic

pulse would

knock out completely

alright or or say

say fucking

terrorist you know instead of instead of

going for the fucking towers

all right they flew into that fucking

indian river fucking a nuclear facility

you know that’s between poughkeepsie

and new york and irradiated all in new york

or hypernovas

i was watching this dr

hypernova hypernova

in other galaxies

these hypernovas

they first when they

first started recording them

they had no idea that anything

could emit this much power

the hypernovas have so much

power they have more

power than all the stars in the sky combined

and they happen all the time they happen

a couple times a day

they like all throughout the day they’re happening and

these waves

these massive

waves of energy that cosmic rays and it’s just

fucking massive

supernova sun exploding

rip that would just

destroy the entire

galaxy just cut through it and just rape everything

leave everything

in there and dead and just it would

start a new cook the galaxy

it would start

and then just

going off they all

going off this guy pop

jesus pop it’s

going off dude

it’s fucking mind blowing what’s out there are they

dangerous mind

blowing yeah

what could kill all of us it was a

great special

on pbs i don’t know if you saw the documentary i don’t

need to watch that shit or

think like that all the time

or you’re just at walmart and somebody stabs you

you know you’re a kid in milwaukee

i’m scared of walmart we just

the heart of this you know

anybody have a

knife on you in

walmart yes yeah

there’s tons of

weapons there

someone pulled a

knife on you at walmart oh no

no i’ve never

had a supernova in my face

yeah that’s true too

some douchebag

cholo supernova want to

start some shit

cosmically we were wearing chargers jerseys

all right we got stabbed by raiders man

dude i was watching

something i was reading rather some some

article online

about there they’re

watching these two

galaxies collide

somewhere and the

other just like

starting to

record this the yeah

galaxies hit each other dude

yeah stop and

think about that shit

like you could get hit by a planet well you know

everything has gravity so you know

the sun is the most dense

thing in the

solar system

and it’s spinning in something more

dense to make it spin in that area

that rotates something else that’s even denser

cause it to have a gravity

gravitational spin

while exponentially

space is expanding out to infinity

and it just fucking blows your mind it

when you start listening to carl

sagan and you

start listening to

you know stephen

hawking and shit like that

it’s fucking mind blowing with it’s amazing

where as calm as we are

about it all

it’s amazing we just

you kinda have to just accept it you have

to accept a

certain level of anxiety and panic

and it’s like

of what the fuck and there we are back to religion

it’s not me it’s got

the big thing

with the real serious conspiracy theorists

is the 2012

thing that’s

the big one i know

2012 and in you know

the beru anunnaki

connection that’s when

the big planet that’s on an elliptical

orbit it’s three thousand

six hundred

years away it comes around

and comes into our atmosphere

every you know 3

600 years and it’s

where we learned

everything that’s

where the anunnaki came from and they

taught us how to mine for gold for them

it’s pretty

trippy dude

that’s crazy

i love it man

this guy’s not

did you see

that fucking died

you see that

fucking shit that passed between us and the moon

that big meteor

which time sound a bunch of

times yeah but i mean the one that just happened like a

month ago no i didn’t pay attention to that

is it a big one

it’s fucking

big as a semi

really yeah

it hits it explodes in the fucking

atmosphere and we have what they didn’t say

bury in nineteen eighteen

what it really yeah man

yeah something that that size

could do that yes

wow it’s fucking amazing

you know that plane

the plane that we’re talking about the

supersonic jet was

going two thousand

miles an hour right yeah

the asteroids that hit a lot of them are

going 45 000

miles an hour

boom stop and

think about that

vaporization just

screaming through

space and slamming into the earth

the one that killed the dinosaurs within the first

second it was five

miles deep into the earth wow

that’s amazing that’s the one off the yucatan peninsula

right within

the first second

it was five miles deep

into the air you can’t even you won’t even see that

like like maybe on the other side no it’s the speed of

light it would be a flash and you’d be gone dude that

would suck devastation

and you know what would suck harder living

you couldn’t see if you fucking live through that you

would just some

scurrying it would cause massive

stealing rat

it mean if this

thing hits like like it did i mean it would turn

continents over the ultimate trip to

think that 65 million years ago there was none of this

there was none of us

there were nothing even close

no flowering

plants yeah

everything was totally different 65 million years

crazy and giant lizards that just fucked each

other up just

ate all day they ate each other

you know giant lizards cannibalize each other

they found out that

t rex is a huge cannibal

that’s the most

recent discover really yeah huge cannibal

yeah they just ate

everything ate each

other they also

found that one dinosaur didn’t even

exist though so i don’t even

triceratops yeah well they

found that it

existed no it exists

but they didn’t know that it was just a

mature version of another dinosaur

what if there was only one

dinosaur that

lived and it was a huge

alien that ate all

these other creatures and barfed it out throughout the

earth you know

that none of

these animals actually even

lived on the

earth it was just

another animal

that barfed

it everywhere

and that’s you know like this big

alien came from another planet

it’s just like bar yeah and it did

that for two

hundred and

fifty million years

that adds up to the carpet

dating of all

these fossils the fuck’s

wrong with you matt

you live in a cartoon no he

was just one huge dinosaur that visited

earth once in a while he’s

got barf on

earth for a bit

what if we’re just a toilet we don’t even

ryan that is

you got brain damage

you need to find out

what happened that

actually makes more

sense than a lot of things

oh it totally makes sense no i

agree with you that

a big giant dinosaur barfed out all

these dinosaurs that are here

that’s totally no

no bones from eating them

oh yeah yeah it’s totally

shit it out he shit it out he

ate them all

over hundreds of millions of years

and throughout

the entire evolutionary

chain where you can see where

they had like legs and then all of a

sudden they were probably all

different species because we don’t know what

species in different

ways that’s what i’m saying that one dinosaur

that they just said didn’t

exist we just

found out it was a younger version of another dinosaur

yeah so all these

other species and all

these other dinosaurs we don’t

have any idea if this dinosaur is this dinosaur or you

know we find out new shit all the time

we find out new

shit all the time but they know most of what happened

the only thing is that’s really weird

about any fossils is that most

things when they die do not

leave a fossil

when you die most likely you’re not

gonna leave a fossil you

leave a fossil if you die in like a mudslide

you leave in a you

know most of the times you just

animals come

along and eat your bones and that’s around this

monster likes to eat dinosaurs in mud

like bear for instance here’s a perfect example

it’s very difficult

to find dead bears

you know we know bears

we know bears die all the time

but you don’t really run into them

their bodies that often

that’s because they eat them

they eat them and rats eat them and something

is the bones and coyotes eat them and the bones get

crushed up and

ground out you don’t come up on it within

like a matter of a week to

i don’t know how long it takes but

yeah sometimes you i mean

i mean i’ve been walking through the woods in arkansas

and walked up on a deer carcass

yeah i mean

where a whole deer you know

antlers and

everything so the

point is if you want to find a fossilized deer

good luck yeah good luck

good luck i mean deer have been around

for who knows how long let’s say a million years or so

is that long enough

to make a fossil

where’s the fossilized deer

well it’s not

our pits they’re in

shit like that

right shit like that perfect example yeah

the pleistocene

ended just 10 000 years ago i just

i just found

out recently that like

saber to tigers and woolly mammoths they existed

just a little over 10 000 years right

where we are

incredible right

where we are

wrap your head around that woolly mammoths were

just 10 000 years ago dude wrap your mind around this

there’s scientists that want to

recreate the woolly mammoth oh i’ve seen that russian

scientists yeah

they’ve got the dna it’s

a food source

as a huge food

source and in very barren land yeah they’re talking

about how they

could survive like i’m like

yeah and they they

would just fucking butcher them

and cook up the it’s delicious

meat what do you

think it’s like

it’s like bass bassing

or whatever it’s called bison

really bison

well they’re totally different type of animal though

yeah you know bisons are related to like

horses and shit

that’s like the same hoofed animals i mean

like the same

you know they’re different but they’re related

i don’t think elephants in that i

think that’s a totally different

thing right

yeah i know

but that’s where they

would incubate the the embryo

so in africa do people eat a lot of elephant is that

what they used

to i know they

still hunt them yeah

people don’t

understand they kind of

have to hunt them in some

places some

places they overpopulate

and they start

fucking with

the people that live there and yeah

they’ll kill

houses and shit they’ll kill you

fucking dead dude like most i mean it’s

horrible that any elephants are fantastic animals

it’s horrible that any of them have to get killed but

if people are

gonna live there and elephants are

gonna live there you’re

gonna have to choose between elephants and people

or you’re gonna have to move

those elephants and get them

somehow the fuck out of there promote the people yeah

it’s a tricky

thing man elephant ears are delicious

apparently the

fuck is wrong

with you today

lathery i got hit by an elephant

do you still have that elephant

horn do the ivory dildo do you

still have that

what you don’t remember that no

okay whatever you don’t remember an ivory

deal though dude that escapes you really wow

see i’m doing what you do now

stupid i’m just making shit up oh not fun is it well

that’s how good for conversation is that was actually

a possibility that i was like have an ivory dildo

it seems like i

black out i’ve

seen like i’ve met somebody that has like something

ivory that’s like why is that ivory that’s really bad

and i’m trying to

think like oh did i did a

girl that about ivory

though the thing

about ivory is

there’s a ban on ivory

but they harvested

so many tusks

before the ban

that it’s readily available you can buy pre

ban ivory it’s called

and you got to look at it this way

those animals

were already murdered and they were murdered for

their horns

their tusks and

you should do something with it i mean someone

should either have it

and buy it as

a decoration because it’s beautiful

and to remind people that

these majestic animals

live and they have these

crazy horns

or use it to make

things out of but

otherwise you’re just wasting the fact that these

things died

they don’t make so

about ivory

nobody is good so

good fuck is

wrong with you i

know again soap

dude you are like the perfect

child you like the child

so strange working with you

it is good soap though

and every soap is perfect that’s all you need right

you guys use

soap or do you go to the liquid soap because i recently

switched back to soap

because i saw some

study about how

dirty and gross soap is

and then i went to body soap instead

and then i recently went back to body soap

i use this stuff called defense soap

it’s all for grappling

it’s soap that’s designed with all

these natural oils in it like tea tree oil and

stuff like that eucalyptus oil

smells great

and it’s probiotic

so it encourages healthy bacteria and kills negative

bacteria kills

everything off

everything bad off your body

but it’s not antibiotic or it’s not antibacterial so it

doesn’t fuck with the natural

chemistry of your skin it actually enhances it

and it smells

good and it’s healthy it’s really good for your skin

and it’s great for

after jiu jitsu

cause you know

when you do

jiu jitsu you always

worry about getting skin rashes whether it’s

ringworm or some people get staph infections

from scratches and shit like that

do you use a washcloth

what i eat when when you shower with

using soap and sometimes i use a couple different

things yeah i gave up on the

sponge things in my hand

which shit get but

doesn’t like the

bacteria and all that crap get on that i use a

fresh one you use the same one

see i don’t use anyone i use

use my hand

oh yeah you

still got a lot of i

think you clean the

sponge off man you wash the

sponge off and i don’t

think it’s fucking rocket science i use joe can’t

be too much of a pussy

i like this shit can’t

be worried about

bacteria on your

sponge i like to get in there

get that fucking soap in there you’ll be fine

but yeah the defense soap is the

shit if you want to try it out you go to defense soap

calm i think

and there it’s

it’s like it’s

the guy who owns the company

is a guy his kids

wrestle and

he’s always been around

wrestling and you know he got

tired of all

these kids getting ringworm

so he developed a soap that was a natural soap to

combat ringworm

because a lot

of people to go and get antibacterial soaps

and that antibacterial

it kills all the good bacteria

so all the shit that’s

what you need to do is take

probiotics what

people don’t know is one of the most important

things too when cold

season comes around man wash your

hands wash your fucking hands but take probiotics

take like acidophilus and kids

yeah and kombucha

tea is a good one too and the reason being is because

these are aggressive healthy bacteria

and when you come in contact with shitty

bacteria your

aggressive healthy bacteria

that you’re getting from the acidoplus will actually

fight it off yeah

and it keeps your body healthy and

strong strengthens

your immune

system wash

your fucking hands and take that shit and we’ll have

half the problems i do i do half the hand

sanitizer thing like

crazy nowadays our

friend johnny rotten was telling us a

great story last

night about soap

this is a fucking amazing

story that there was a

way to stay

until it gets here

well i’m talking

about it right now

we’ll have them come back on

i don’t know the full details anyway but i can’t just

tease people like that

tune in next week when

maybe we might have done while we

tease them with the guam

story anyway

what happens is

we’ll go back to that don’t worry

what this guy figured out was that there was soap

in hotel rooms and he would go and he

would wash once with it and he would put it back and

he thought what happens to that soap do they

throw it out

so he contacted all these

major chains of

hotels and says what do you do with your soap

when someone uses it once and just tosses it out

he go well we just throw them away

and he said

well you know that there’s like you know an incredible

amount of people die of just diarrhea and children die

in third world countries

because they don’t have soap to wash

their hands with and they’re just diarrhea

dying diarrhea and all that so

this guy decides that he’s

going to organize

this foundation

to collect soap

from these hospitals and they

clean off the soap and then be redistributed to all

these poor places and they’re saving

people’s lives left and right

amazing amazing shit amazing

but that shows how

close we are without so

well it just shows you how what’s really

going on is we’re

fighting off

organisms all the time

there’s a constant battle for organisms

yeah and we

think there’d be something that would

since there’s you know

67 billion people on the earth

now that there

would be some

microbe that

just like in

everything nature when

population gets out of

control there has to be something that calls the herd

well there is we just keep killing them

we keep finding vaccines for them we keep

finding ways around it but without a

doubt that’s what they’re doing a

trial but like

you like you

know antibiotic resistant

tuberculosis or mercer

staff reaction

that’s a perfect

one because it actually comes from hospitals

and i mean people get it in hospitals

and it also

is one of those things

where they suspect that a lot of what this

stuff comes from is

people taking

their antibiotics

but not finishing the full cycle

so when you take

antibiotics

you only take

it for a couple of days and you go i

think i feel okay

well you haven’t killed off all that bacteria

so the bacteria that lives is

stronger because of it

and then it gets to

leave it as

someone else you know because it’s social yeah

so by fighting

things off we’re creating even

stronger things and by our own

stupidity and

negligence and using

drugs correctly

yeah and i just

given a shit

yeah you got to take probiotics people if you

learn anything from the show it’s that and

that ralphie

mary got arrested in

guam so ralphie

did you get strep

throat a lot i don’t

um not even answering

all right so meanwhile back

and how are we

going back in guam

okay marianas trench hardest safest

trench in the world yeah yeah yeah

you had this bag in that you just no no let him go

i had a backpack

right and i am at the bottom of it i had fourteen

grams and a smelly proof bag

jesus christ fourteen grams that’s almost a pound

no fourteen grams it’s ounce

half an ounce is instead of grams

okay so fourteen grams is almost an ounce why do you

have no no it’s half an ounce what is half an ounce

14 grams 14 grams so why do you have that much weed

i thought i took it all out

i took out three and a half gram i mean

three and a half grams you know what’s annoying

about grams and shit

grams are metric

yeah okay but

28 ounces or not ounces are that’s the

standard that’s what we use

so like we have all this shit

mixed up like grams or mixed

up like if you do a joke about grams

or drug addicts yeah no drugs

or cereal lovers

i always get them

fucking confused

but that’s it’s weird that they’re from a different

system that when we get low we use grams

but like when someone talks to me

about centimeters i have to go okay what who’s that

what is that 134

i’m always dealing in kilograms too because of

fight it’s 22 pounds we do fights in europe the

weirdest one is in england they have

stone stones right yeah

which is like i believe it’s somewhere around

13 pounds stone he’ll say he’s 10 stone

that means like 130 pounds

wow how weird is that

crazy yeah what does that mean

they got a lot of leftover shit the reason why they

drive horse

with hands and stuff like that what

horses with hands

horses with hands yeah they measure a

horse’s height and guitars

by its by its hands

they call it hands like

oh person’s hand how many

hands i don’t know what

the exact person yeah i think it’s like

eight point

four inches is one hand

i don’t wow

really yeah yeah so like a horse

stands like 12 hands

big fucking

horse how strange is the whole fucking measuring

system being different everywhere

you know inches and kilometers

they tried they

were all supposed to convert

and i said fuck it

isn’t that weird that we didn’t do that

how dumb are we

like we wanted to make sure that people

figured it out

so we said you know it’s too complicated

not enough people are

gonna figure it out fuck it all it is is just a new

system based on 10

yeah if you learn inches fucking for sure you can

learn kilometers it’s all

going away very soon

going away all the different

you know things like the

the grams the ounces the language barriers

everything’s fucking

going away in

five years even

maybe 10 years when it gets so good that

voice activation like

being able to have something on your person

so if a person’s talking japanese it’s automatically

just going to

translate it for you into english

if somebody’s telling you 12 feet instead

of 12 ounces or whatever it’s

gonna be see the problem is

when you translate languages like i say if you

translate japanese into english

you’re gonna have to also

if you’re gonna

translate it into english and have it

direct it’s

gonna come out real funky

because the way they talk and

communicate is almost

absolutely in it so

there’s a lot of creative license

involved in

structuring sentences that are

gonna make sense but that’s easy compared to most

technology i mean

look at the

shit already i mean you’re fucking calling up

macy’s and it’s like say one

you know say two right

and that’s just like

that is pretty dope you know so

i love the car

thing i love being able to tell my car call

brian yeah and it just calls you yeah

that’s insane man yeah that is so dope yeah

everybody’s iphones can do that

voice control

it’s amazing

that freaks me out

and my friend

cade has not cade

was it dustin has

one of those droid xs

and he sent

phones a shit he sent a text by talking to it

he talked to it and he

no he made something like

you know i’m here with joe rogan and he says i love you

and i look at it and it says i’m here with joe

logan that was the only

thing was wrong

it picked up

logan instead of rogan

was he like hey my battery is

about to die on my droid call me call my friends

never mind i don’t know that joke

this phone suck battery life

they suck battery life

yeah but you can always keep an

extra battery the thing

about iphones it suck is

when they die like yours did last night hi

i hate that

and they die

and it takes 10 minutes to turn back on

so you’re sitting there like a dumbass going what

the fuck it’s like that last dollar of gas when you

prepay you’re sitting there

going why is this

going so slow there’s no reason

for this they quit

want you to

yeah is that

what it is is that like come on

bitch have you ever done that i’ve

never done that before

yeah i’ve never walked away

but i want to

start doing that

you want to walk away you like you keep your dollar

my fucking time here holding your handle is worth

a dollar to me that’s like toilet bowl

technology that

should be fixed by now there

should be no extra

two minutes of waiting for the last

dollar of gas when you pre play come on it’s fucking

yeah do they have one of those

with the new iphone

remember how they used to be able to buy the old chart

the the extra

large charger was gigantic

and it was not a

charger rather battery

and it was on the back of it

you acted as a case

but also acted as a battery and double yeah

do they have that for the new

phone not yet

the new iphone or yeah the iphone 4 oh yeah

absolutely they have one of

those new big ones yeah

absolutely yeah amazon com

is it just as

cumbersome and large

it’s pretty big there’s

a few different ones now but the new iphone has like 40

more battery

life so does this one have double that and it

charges a lot

faster yeah it’s

a lot faster

the ones that

i forget the name

of the company that makes it but they

double your battery life

dude we’re wealthy

mouthy mouthy

mouthy i don’t know like mouthy may

i know yeah

power and batteries man that is a big

major hold up now like

these electric cars they’re trying to put together

that’s all well and good

but when you’re going

150 miles that’s it

that’s the best you can do is

150 miles and that’s if you drive cool

if you don’t freak

like they took one of those

teslas you know they have

those electric

like sports car

yeah and they they beat the fucking shit out of this

thing around a track

but it was it was cooked in like a couple of

miles man a couple of

miles that bitch was done

you know they did it like for

maybe 20 miles or something they ran this

track a few times a few laps and i ran in full

speed this is

cowboy it’s like

the sound of

juice was done

yeah they tested it

against a bunch of

other cars like the boxster and all

these different

sports cars

different little

sporty little

sort of convertible type cars

it’s not there yet

you know the

technology is not

quite there yet and the weight is

ridiculous so you got all this weight behind the car

you know there’s no real engine in the

front it’s not like a big fucking

v8 that balances out all

these batteries in the back no

it’s like this

weird little electric engine in the front

and in the back you’ve got

these fucking

giant bricks and

bricks of these lithium

ion batteries and it’s

super heavy and

they’re gonna die

yeah they’re not

gonna last they’re

gonna die off you know

it’s not simple i

could just change the

spark plugs now you

gotta get new batteries

you got all new batteries your batteries suck now

you gotta get

that engine

it’s weird man it’s like that

technology that area of

technology it seems to be there’s a little bit of

a lag hump there yeah it’s gonna

turn into wireless

electricity

i think that’s it has to be

because i don’t know man

these you know

tesla had a

had a fucking

thank for that yeah yeah

westinghouse when they

found out what he’s doing they closed him down

yeah they shutting the fuck down

crazy guy wanted to give away

free electricity to the

whole world

to radiate that

that’s probably what’s next though for

lack what if

is based on is harp

based on tesla’s technology

all technologies

based on tesla

really is that but

all modern technology

satellite technology

right but directly did

tesla have something to do with it

i would assume so

not bad we’re

gonna find out

but so you know it took him

like 30 years after his

death to finally get the credit for inventing the

radio descended from

tesla’s work wow

dude they it took

like 30 years

after his death to get credit to for inventing radio

yeah everybody gives it to

marconi hmm

yeah still when you hear

about it you hear marconi

you don’t hear

about that and he

didn’t do it he

had like a hundred

different fucking

things what

dude he was constantly

admitting yeah

but they said he was

like a like

autistic he

would be diagnosed today

oh yeah well you know

i’ve talked

about that with

a friend of

mine that i have that has autistic children or a

autistic kid

and he’s like the aptitude that

these kids have for

learning things and for

holding information and

for dispensing it and spitting it back out

he’s like it’s

shocking it almost makes you

think like wonder if this is like some weird

hiccup up to the next

stage of evolution exactly

that what we’re seeing is obviously a disease

these kids are obviously impaired when it comes to

being able to

communicate emotionally and being able to reach out

and don’t you

think nature constantly when it goes to evolve

in anything any form over the history of the

earth through evolution

that it’s made a lot of fuck ups till the one

thing hit and then

boom that’s the next

level well that’s

the idea is that we have mutations and that from

those mutations the ones that are useful

are kept yeah

you know natural selection

dictates that we move

in that direction

right but that’s what all of the

evolution of

mankind or any animal supposed to be from that’s

one of the theories you know there’s a few theories

but the idea that

these kids that are

super genius kids

like what they’re having is

just like a blip or just a

glimpse as to the potential of what

human beings can do

there’s this one kid man

i don’t know what we talked

about on the podcast i

think we might have

he flew over europe

and looked out his window at germany from his airplane

and then drew it when he got home

drew it in absolute perfect detail every city

every rather block

every house

every window all in the perfect

place perfect perspective perfect size

it’s fucking incredible

and this is

roller this is a

human being

this is a human

being that can

do something that i can’t

do and you can’t do

but they can’t brush your

teeth he has a hard time with a lot of

other aspects of life

and i’m wonder

if like wonder if this is like some overpowering

blip of the new future

you know this overpowering

just like one little

thing like maybe he

doesn’t have the

whole package

he doesn’t have the

whole super

fucking dr manhattan

package yeah but he’s

close that one gets with another one

then that offspring

what’s that guy

maybe that’s

definitely wapner guy though

you know that’s that same

thing you know like

the movie raymond

whatever that is

yeah it is the same

thing autism so maybe

anyone that’s

special needs is

the future of what we

know it’s not special needs because a lot of

that is just a mistake that you know in the dog eat dog

world of nature we

would not allowed to survive you know if we were living

thousands of years ago and you had

kids that were like heavily deformed they didn’t live

you know that’s what happened they get eaten

yeah i mean so

but it’s like

but it all is mutation you know and it comes

mutation sometimes i mean the idea is that

i mean isn’t it like the idea that a lot of mutation

comes from radiation comes from like just

fucking shit in

space and the sun

suppose this

triggers mutation and sometimes

these mutations lead to evolution

yeah to better

survivability

yeah man it

could very well be that what we’re seeing i mean

could you imagine if you were a regular person

who had you know regular social

skills and totally

normal and you regular insecurities but

for whatever reason you were

capable of looking

at berlin out the window of an airplane

and then just drawing it in extreme detail like into a

point where people are

shocked like

you’ve got some

magical power

of retention

but that would be amazing i mean fuck

man that’s a

photographic memory beyond comprehension yeah

but it’s always someone who’s fucked up

it’s almost like you only get so much

horsepower you know

right and your

brain has so much

horsepower how much do you want to

dedicate to this

how much are you

gonna dedicate to art how much you

gonna dedicate to

think well yeah michelangelo leonardo da vinci

i wonder what

those do like

they were supposedly

autistic according to

you know cause they were in written history

you know i bet

their pants

you think that michelangelo and davinci

were both autistic why do you think that

they say they

were higher functioning autistic is what they

would be described as

the really but how do

they know that

they don’t have any recordings of them communicating

and diaries they have letters they have

the communications the writings leonardo

da vinci’s writings imagine if they

found your shit

and they just looked oh man

he’s retarded he’s retarded

ralphime was retarded

they saw my

notebook they

would be funny

he’s retarded we saw his comedy

and we knew he was a talented performer

but we always wondered what was it oh well when

we read his writing we realized he was retarded yeah

people just like

judge you and shit

based on shit they file hundreds of years from now

they can’t do that you

can’t tell me that leonardo

da vinci had autism

that’s what they’re

gonna do you know we

call tosser a genius

but there was some

other guy who was a

dirty guy you know

i mean chaucer’s dirtiest

thing was the miller’s tale who who you talking

about jeffrey chaucer

who’s that what is this he was the

first novelist

the first novelist ever

well he didn’t

write the first

novel the first

novel was beowulf but

the first novel

of substance that was

printed with the

printing press

was jeffrey chaucer’s

the canterbury tails

oh yeah and one of them was called the miller’s tail

and he uses the past

tense of shit

and this is in like the 1500s you mean like shot yeah

powerful yeah yeah it was great and

he’s giving credit with

creating the word fuck

how great a word is that

and writing it downing and using it

but i thought that was supposed

to be for fornication and the consent of the king

that’s what it was originally

for for unlawful

carnal knowledge one of the

two there’s a lot of debate

about that but

he used it in print

like fuck you

like yeah like

go fuck yourself really or let’s fuck wow yeah

powerful and but there was somebody else i mean you

think he’s the only writer in all of england

and that ever wrote

a dirty shit you know it just

never got published you know

like like like

you know if we just

judge comedy by seinfeld okay

what we do you and i

would not even consider comedy

we’d be running lunatics

you know what i mean in

comparison with a joke

setup punch

you know no opinion

observational comedy

you know what i mean

it’s like but he was the most popular

therefore he’s

known as that time’s

greatest guy there’s nothing that shows the

evolution of

culture more than

stand up comedy

you know in my opinion it’s real

weird when you go back and like listen to like

lenny bruce’s

stuff yeah you know go back and listen to like this is

stuff that he got him arrested

you know in like

1950s and 1960s

and it’s less than a potluck at the

fucking comedy

store you can get it on nbc you

know that’s

comic standing with all of his shit

yeah right yeah i mean it’s like

barely offensive

it’s so strange

we had some good shit though even back then yeah he

had some good perspectives on like the catholic church

and stuff like that

how about on

he had a bunch of different

things man how

about my favorite one was he did on

homosexuality being illegal

oh yeah take this man

homosexuality is illegal so they if

you’re gay they arrest you

what do they do

they put you in jail

with a bunch of guys who

wanna have sex with you

yeah yeah it

didn’t make sense

it doesn’t make sense

this is a joke that he did in like the 50s and i saw a

comic who i know is not a joke

thief but he

tried to re say it

in like the 90s

and i had to say you know that’s like a lenny

bruce joke from like 1950 something

and he was like shit

yeah of course somebody

already thought that up yeah of course of course

that’s what that’s what

that’s what shitty

about it all you know is that it’s

that there’s so many

that’s come before us

no that’s great though that’s

great there’s always

still things to talk

about if it wasn’t

then we would suck

you know but that is

having this

you know the people

need to slowly

learn how to

take a joke over the course of 50 or 60 years

right the kind of shit that you

could talk or i can talk on

stage now you couldn’t do that back then no way man

thank god that they did that cause they

broke a lot of

boundaries man

richard pryor got a lot of people used to people saying

pussy and motherfucker and yeah

he got people used to that shit

lenny bruce got people used to questioning

things questioning

the use of words questioning you know

sorts of aspects of our

culture they got

people to take a joke they got people to like kind of

lighten up and

understand this just

relax everybody

so worked up over now you know

like the use of

derogatory slang as far as

names go you know is

it and it’s just just all worked up like

your your outrage is a

is a learned thing and

if you didn’t learn that

the n word was something supposed to be offensive

it would just be another two

syllable word

and by calling it the n word you just embolden

that word and keep it in our vernacular

that if you use the word like

groovy or far out or

you know why do

these words and phrases you know

leave our vernacular

and become uncool

groovy’s still awesome

it’s still good i’m

still down with groovy

and if i’m stoned when i see something i’ll say far out

right right but not many people say it far out man

yeah and it

crazy i’m using that from now on far out back bitches

it’s coming back like the fanny pack

and the fanny

pack coming back

i don’t give a fuck

i rock a fanny pack

every time i travel

people look at me people look at me like

they thought i was kidding i thought you were joking

if they heard me say it you love a fanny

pack i love a fanny pack i got a backpack i

mean what am i fanny

packs are good too but i like a fanny pack that’s why

i had to wait

you got your fucking wallet and all your chain

your keys and your bullshit

just take it off

go through put it back on it’s much faster

if you’re not trying to get laid man it’s the way to go

right you know i took care of that a long time ago

uh huh hollow back

it’s funny how

things come and go in

style at one

point in time a

leather fanny

pack was the fucking rage

yeah with my dad

with your dad

dad have the neon

green yeah you

take one green one and he

still i think he still

breast cancer

hey merkel crocomp

rocks one as do his

whole team a lot of guys in

mma rock them

don’t fuck around tim

crater rocks one man i

do that guy put me in a choke

yeah at the palms that time that we were hanging out

first griffin did yeah

yeah and he didn’t like

hammer down on it he just enough to get

get your attention okay like that and you go

did you ask him to no he just walked up behind

me and that was his way of saying i love your comedy

really yeah

yeah not not a

hello not a what’s up

but you have to interview

him on friday i’m

gonna confront him with this information yeah

yeah and then he put me in a

choke right there and i felt i felt like

yeah i could go out right now

i mean it was like that

i’ve never been

knocked out like that

you ever been choked

unconscious no

no it’s not fun yeah

yeah that that was the first time

that i’d ever even come

close you know

i don’t get into shit like that you know

funny never ever

check wanna like tie a tie around your neck

while you fuck her

fuck no no what’s

wrong with pussy

why is everybody got an augment

pussy and accelerate it

wants you to fuck her

while she’s holding your tie and

squeezing and tightening

no i’ve never gotten it like that that’s

great that sounds awesome

i had a chick

ask if she could tie me up

i was like bitch are you

crazy yeah no shit are you

out of your fucking mind

right this never allowed that

much control this is many many

many years ago when i had terrible judgment when all i

would cared

about was what

if they’re hot

you know like if

i she was hot and i

think i could get

her like wow you know like when i was like 22 i was an

idiot right

and this one

chick that i

dated was just fucking

completely bananas and she wanted to

she wanted to buy

me out yeah

she used to get mad at me and she

would get mad she

would pick up a

knife i’m not

bullshitting i’m not bullshitting she

wouldn’t do anything with it

she’d pick up a

knife and hold it in her hand

which would get mad i’m like

bitch you better

put the fucking weapon down because this has

been wild right

now i think

you know you’re at a different

level dude i

think that you attract

those type of

brides okay

you know what i mean

i never met a

chick like that

would pull a

knife on you and shit she didn’t pull the

knife she didn’t

pull it she’s

gonna use it

she would just hold it yeah that’s what i’m

saying i mean

that’s a different

level dude she

was hot as fuck though dude

then she could fuck

crazy right oh this

bitch yeah she was

crazy she’s beyond crazy

that’s what i’m talking

about and where do they go they become

mothers and they’re fucking in

minivans i don’t know i don’t

have no idea

where this one

this is one i

would probably like to see her facebook page

find out what the fuck

i don’t remember her name though

i remember her

first name and i remember her last name

isn’t it crazy to think

all the fucking

women you’ve been with

like how your life intersected

with their life and

where they at now there’s a bunch

i’d like to go back

but the thing is you don’t because that’s what you

learn from you

learn from and

they learn from you and you

learn from them and they’re not who they

were back then and neither are you who you were you

weren’t no goddamn

picnic either i was no picnic when i was

twenty two i was fucking

crazy that was

completely insane when i was 22

that’s when you were like

knocking people out i was

still fighting yeah i was no i

would not compete i

think everyone really gets trees insane when they’re

22 i mean every person

every single one of us

fucking insanely crazy

sure a lot of people are dumb and

crazy and they just

they haven’t got a handle on themselves yet

but i was exceptionally fucked up

i was fighting i was

still competing

i was kickboxing and i was doing taekwondo

tournaments and

at the time i did not know

what the fuck i was doing with my life and it was all

spent on just trying to figure out it was all

martial arts competition had been my

whole past then

i was trying to figure out what the fuck i was

gonna do with my future and then i

started getting into comedy and that’s why i met this

crazy bitch

the knife the knife

what was it like coming up in boston with dennis

larry being around

every corner and hearing about

you know bill hicks and that

stuff well i

came up in a dennis

leary fan first

oh i was a huge dennis

leary fan man i came to see dennis

leary once i paid to see da

merera and dom

missed his flight something happened or they

rescheduled or whatever

so and dennis

lear was the headliner i was like oh who’s this guy

where’s damarrera

shit i was like bummed out

but leary went up and just lit that fucking

place on fire dude he destroyed

i heard he was a

beast and i remember

thinking whoa like who’s this guy i

never saw this guy before and i was like

i don’t i think i’d

maybe gone on stage once

i was like a

total raw open micer you know i was

paying to see this

local show on a date

and i remember i told all my friends i brought a

bunch of my

brought my roommates who went to see dennis

leary and nick’s comedy stop and fucking

they were like holy shit this guy’s killer it’s awesome

and then it was like

maybe a month or two

later hicks came into town

and everybody was

like oh you got to see this guy like paul barkley who’s

one of the owners of the comedy club is a real comedy

connoisseur

really love good comedy

oh this guy’s got

great writing you got to see this guy when he’s in town

so i take his advice and i go to see him

and i see great writing but i’ve

heard these premises before and i’ve

heard the bits before

i’ve heard a couple of them

and like there was like holy shit this guy’s

doing the same

stuff that leery was doing

like the same premises

about like just

jim fix dying of a

heart attack

while he’s jogging is like

a few of them they were like all

right i don’t remember if that was the specific one

there was a few of them

they were like really the same jokes and the same bits

so i asked like the

local comics i go what the fuck is up

and their response was

leary steals

they’re like really leary

just fucking

steals he’s a thief

i was like wow so he’s

stealing from this guy

so this guy was like this like the most

introspective really

intelligent

like guy who like really was looking deep

into shit and taking mushrooms and

going on peyote trips and

trying to find himself

and then i guess

some people were just feeding off of it

you know i know in houston

he let me open for him once at the last

stop houston

yeah because i’ve been doing

stand up what

year was this

ninety one ninety ninety one wow

and that’s like and i was eighteen

like when ninety

three was it ninety four ninety six

was it ninety six i don’t know

sam died in ninety two

that made me cry this morning man

that made me cry

when powered

stern talks about him

in such a way

i have a connection with a couple of

radio guys like that

where he talks

about we’d had sam over

we knew it was out of control

you know we knew that he was fucking

you know it was crazy and

he was out of control and we knew he was

gonna die but

he was on the

road and we wanted to give him a home cooked meal so

we brought him home from radio and

i have a friend of mine

cowhead in tampa

that’s just like that

that the fact that he died at 38

and i’m at my

level my comedy and i’m 38

and it’s fucking you know it fucks with your head dude

you know you especially

you know you

think about mortality

i think about it more and more

sense of my children

and that’s why you know i’m

losing weight slowly and

it’s plateaus

unless i exercise and if i don’t feel well i can or

exercise you know i hurt physically hurt and

and then to compound that they want to give me

painkillers

and if i take the painkillers i don’t want to move

you know what i mean so it’s a weird

place you know

i’ve got physical

element i’ve

got physical fucking problems i was in a car

wreck about

forty two bones

sixty four separate breaks

i’m fucked up whoa

wait a minute

you were in a car accident and you have 42

broken bones yeah

when was this 16 1988

holy shit dude yeah

i was in the hospital for 48 days and then

after that i was in a

wheelchair for 10

months oh my god yeah i had spina

swelling i broke

my two vertebrae in my neck

i fractured

two vertebrae in my neck

three in my back

i broke one of the wings off my vertebrae

and that’s right there so i have sciatic problems

and that they say i have amazingly

dense bones

and that i was very fortunate to live through it and

you know it just fucking changes

everything and there

there goes your fucking last couple years of being a

teenager then

then you know

as a you people

think you’re retarded and you get

for me they thought i was retarded

and then they gave me a test and

found that i was actually really smart

and then they

put me in this beginning scholars program at the

university of arkansas

and that’s when i

started doing a comedy

because my group met at a shakey’s

pizza on highway 71 in fayetteville arkansas

and our study

group in organic chemistry

met there and i fucking

hung out and there was an open mic contest

and the winner got free

pizza and a fucking picture

and i had a joke

about vanna

white’s the dumbest person ever on

television she

doesn’t even have to

know how to

spell the words

they light them up for

her and she just walks

over there and turns the fucking letter i mean somebody

could tell her how to do it i mean why are you

shocked when the fucking letter comes up you know

you don’t even know how to

spell it you’re the dumbest bitch ever

okay and then i said

that i can’t even though i love def

leppard i can’t see him

i can’t watch him because if i

watch him you know

in concert i feel

like i’m mocking the drummer with two arms and clapping

and applauding and raising both hands up you know

i feel like so this is

how you win you just

started out yeah

yeah and this is just you know

right general premise i had jokes within

and i had seen it enough that i had this and i want to

stand up comedy contest and it went on

from there moved from the shaky

speeds to the ramada inn

by the mall

in fayetteville

while i was

going to school

and it all happened because

they tested me and i got into comedy you know

they tested you

and they tested me

see if i was retarded they gave me an iq test and they

found out i was actually that’s how you got into comedy

they said you needed to go tell jokes

no no is the fact that my

study group showed up there

shaky’s pizza

where they had did

you have like a

dream of being a

comic before that or

is just i did

i had but i

never you know i mean i

lived in arkansas

you know i went to

school in winslow

arkansas okay any

comics from arkansas

there’s a couple

there’s a couple

arkansas a crazy town

it’s a crazy place

yeah it’s a

crazy state

of mind a lot of nutty shit there man that was not

a nutty when bill clinton became president

like he was a governor of arkansas

i know right i

fucking looked out man yeah man

it’s it’s it’s what’s the biggest city

little rock

little rock yeah but now actually probably

they’ve consolidated them into three

the three cities into one mega

megalopolis

you go down there do you work

i work there i do concerts on little rock

i want to do one at

university of arkansas i’m a big

razorback fan and i love to do one back there because

my first gig i got to work with sam kennison

i won one of those

talent show contests is k hog the local

radio station

had a talent show contest

he was playing the ballroom

and like 89

you know what makes me sad

about comedy dude when i remember houston

remember what houston was like

yeah when i remember what houston

was like when i

first started

going there

with that fucking

open mic man

that open mic

that would stop and

start at seven and go

till two and

never a comedian repeated or if they did there was a

sketch or something live

and the audience constantly came in and out

and you’re walking outside and smoking weed and

back in the

back of the room talking shit there was a lot of good

comics there

there was a lot of guys

who were trying there was a lot of

experimental

amazing smart shit good ethic

of the town was like

they didn’t want hacks in there

right and they all knew

that like hicks came from there and kennison came from

this heritage

yeah there was something

there in that town and boy it just got extinguished

it just got extinguished

you know and i hear guys say hey we’re working out

again we got this

going on again

but man there’s like

that you don’t hear

about guys coming out of houston anymore

no added courage

came out of there and there was

so much wasted

talent man yeah

no i mean that’s my favorite line

brian hersey do you remember

brian hersey

a genius that dude is

funny as fuck and it just kind of like stopped now

he’s drunk that

quit comedy

that ain’t cool man it’s

weird it’s like that

place like had a flower

that was growing and then some another

clouds grew overhead and the flower fucking died

it was right there man i

think comedy was

about to evolve from there

it was one there’s gonna

be a bunch of

places 30 40

comedians come out of there

and and i’m

i’m only giving you like

maybe 10 15

of the actual comedy community i mean

there was one open mic

that had literally over a hundred

comics before

okay and not everybody got to go on

it so the improv

there’s not doing it now

they don’t do it on that level

and they don’t foster

local talent

and they don’t

those improvs are too

clean man the last stop was

dirty it was

dirty and marty

babbitt was running it it was just fucking people chaos

that place was

chaos crazy it

was nuttiness to the extreme

that’s what you need

the only way

you get the real comedy to develop

especially developing comedy

there has to be

chaos it has to be like the comedy

store it has to be like that

place like the last they

get stifled if it

doesn’t like

i didn’t grow as a comedian i mean i grew to a certain

level like i knew how to rock a room but i had to do it

cleaner and i had

and i was a product of my environment i went up

a lot of times i mean working the last stop was maybe

six times a year

you know as work goes but i

would work out

every weekend at this

place called the comedy showcase and

go freeway in fuquay

and it was owned by

very smooth i

think he’s smoother than

he’s probably one of the most

smooth comedians i’ve ever seen

as far as like in an hour go in and out of subject

like it’s just one conversation

a guy named

danny martinez

and his club

he taught comics like he would have

wednesday through

sunday and you get 10 15

minute spots

and it was just a showcase club

and then also i’d go and play the big

black i mean

the hip hop comedy stop

up in a hotel

black room and that’s where

i developed all these

black jokes

cause i was the fucking audience

i mean that’s all i had you know and

and then i started meeting you

know i was probably to hanging around with mexicans and

black people

all right and people go

where did you get this fucking accent from

where you talk like that it’s like well it was

funny to the fucking

crowd i was

i was playing for so anyway

you what you’re saying is there was a lot of different

places to go up there and

houston houston had a real interesting comedy dynamic

so many when that last stop

closed down there really wasn’t much there anymore

it was the second lap stop but the

second left

up was not the same no and before it even

closed it wasn’t the same because when babbitt left

right and then homeboy

pete came in yeah he was a good guy i like pete but

pete was like

he was like oh

straight up

accountant sort of

book keeping sort of a guy

right and you need

shady weirdos running comedy clubs yeah yeah you need

you need guys

like our friend in

san francisco you know you need yeah you

know and there’s a guy in seattle that

a couple guys in seattle that

are from michigan

and i never

come to showcase in ann arbor

no dude we had a good fucking time man i was

there with tom segura

fucking great

that guy is

really funny man a lot of people say

sagura is hilarious i don’t even know that guy man i

follow him on twitter go see that guy

in concert or wherever he’s touring he comes at me some

places he’s fucking hilarious yeah man

he’s really really good

he’s really

funny man it’s

a great guy

apparently everybody says he’s

phenomenal he’s

phenomenal and i

gotta piss so i

think this is a perfect time to end this podcast

great shazam lovers

thanks guys

thank you very much for

tuning in thank you

flashlight for

sponsoring it

if you go to joe rogan dot net

you can get fifteen percent off the

flashlight um

there’s a code name

rogan you have to type it in

the new year’s eve show we

still don’t have

a ticket link as soon as i have it will go up

thank you very much for all the interest i keep getting

twitter messages about it

so it’ll be me and joey

diaz at the

mandalay bay theatre

it’s gonna be the shit

it’s like 1700 people it’s

gonna be that’s

gonna be such a

great time man if

if you wanna know

drama in vegas in

vegas it fucking new years is nothing but fucking drama

alright you won’t be able to

leave your fucking hotel

after a certain time they’ll cut the strip down

and it’s a forever fucking walk

the smartest

thing to do is have tickets

only people

with tickets will be allowed through the fucking uh

the barricades

to get into the masses

alright get your tickets early

buy them go see a

great show i highly

recommend joey cook

ideas is possibly

the funniest person i’ve ever been around

in my life he makes me

laugh more than anybody else

and the two

of you together is just a fucking dynamic she’s a real

freak he’s not a

whole lot of real

freaks out there’s a lot of people

fronting pretending to be freaked

walking around with

you fuck you

heels different

colored archives

one converse all star that’s red and one that’s

black i’m silly

i go to hot

topic i’m badass

anyway that’s it

thank you ralphie

may ralph may

get you on twitter

you have an account don’t you

have a couple use that shit son i know

the twitter

people are tweeting

right now yes

ralphie use it yes

ralphie okay

yes i can get on it

jesus christ

thank you everybody and

next week we’ve got

cliffy b on wednesday

and we’re gonna work on getting

brian prosein

see if we can hook him up next week too and if not

we gotta do a joey diaz

one too soon

another one

in the house bitches

thank you very much

ralph you made for coming on i

appreciate it my brother always good to see you

thank you sir redband go to redband

twitter redba n

he needs more followers is very very insecure

about his twitter account yes

it makes him sad some some chick

from fucking burbank please date him

black girl yes

sam yes that’s the

next level you like me yes

black chicks

that next level shit

thank you everybody

next week love you bitches

see ya dominican