Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Chris Aubrey Marcus.

Transcript

brian this doesn’t have a connection

did you plug it in yeah

okay not yet hold on hold on we have a web problem

some wifi your wi fi wi fi is jacked

people are asking why do you guys have an opening song

and then after the opening song

then you play more music

like what kind of shit is that

and you’re right it’s fucking ridiculous

this whole show is ridiculous

i can’t believe anybody’s even listening

at this point

this is the most

ghetto podcast on the internet

the most fun to do though

and this is some mashup

brian who’s the mashup

i believe it’s

party ben it might be girl talk i don’t know

you know what

man i used to not be a big fan of podcasts

until i heard this voodoo

child jay z mix

and i was like

god damn okay you did something there

you know like a lot of times i like listen to podcasts

or to a mash up rather and i’m like

this isn’t that interesting it’s kinda

but every now and then they just fucking make something

super cool they just kill it

yeah it’s like

shit that you shouldn’t

think would go together like chicken and waffles bam

you know there was a jay z

linkin park mashup that was just

dirty yeah didn’t they

do like a whole

album of that

yeah i love

when shit like that happens i love when artists get

together like that and create something fucking nutty

we were talking

about this before the podcast and it’s you know

total retard hippie talk but

what the fuck is

music and why what does it do

how does it just get in you man

cause there’s no way we’re talking to

yeah oh i was

gonna introduce him eventually

this is my friend chris

what’s going on chris is

a writer he

writes for the blog what is it warrior poet

us us and what is it us man

i’m looking to take over the

world eventually but i’m

starting with the us

dot com is currently unavailable so

yeah i couldn’t

get joe rogan

calm the dude who owns it is

a he’s a nice guy he’s a real estate guy but he

he goes just

occurred to me the more

famous you get the more this is

worth right

i was like oh all right dick

i’m like i’m not buying this now got some

twitter dude who is holding down your

yeah but i got it back from twitter twitter gave

it up but this dude’s his name’s joe rogan and he’s

older than me so respect to him

it’s gotta go to him more than his to me

you know i was willing to buy it but when

after you said that i was like get out of here

the more famous

you get the more this is worth

oh come on man what are you 12 yeah

just tell me what you want can we talk through this

more families you’ll get

i can hold on to it this is a good investment except

you have to be able to buy it for it to be valuable it

doesn’t matter you

can find me now it’s google joe rogan

net if you can’t

it’s probably good it probably filters out a

bunch of idiots

yeah because if you can’t type

net instead of dot com if you give up

i quit you know

i couldn’t find it

good i don’t want

you finding it people who put the dot com in the google

search bar instead of the

url too yeah sure

brian knows

about that i do that all the time

do you yeah

what happens

when you do

that you porn shows up and they have to masturbate

using a flashlight

is that really what happens yeah

porn shows up if you put a document

every time i put anything i’m fucking

directly i think i

think that’s called a virus

yeah you should

cleaned out son

are you serious

i just need to

clear my cash because it’s seriously

everything that comes up on my toolbar

you know it just have you

just been beating it furiously lately

brian if you don’t know

ladies and gentlemen

brian had a very

lust filled

short term relationship

which filled with

passion and a loss of fluids

and then as

quickly as the

storm came into town

storm left i have kids now

he’s got kids

now he’s got a kid from the relationship so here’s

here’s lesson number one children

anyone under 30 that i’m talking to

right now listen to me

do not get a dog with a chick

okay ever don’t do it

unless you guys have kids don’t get a dog

and if you do do it go

get nutty and if you do do it go

right to the pet

store fuck what they say just go

against all the rules i get it

those dogs that

go to the pet

store don’t support

puppy mills man hope

those pet stores go

under go to the fucking pound

or go to a good breeder

i got one of my dogs from a

breeder man i am not

there’s nothing

wrong with breeders people talk shit

about breeders but if the guy’s a passionate

breeder and really

breeds dogs because he wants like a good be

my dog is awesome dude

and one of the reasons why he’s awesome is because his

dad was awesome his dad was one of the security dogs

on fear factor

we had him bite people in these big

crazy bite suits

and his dog was so cool he was just chill

hanging out with everybody not douchey do the

other dogs he

was just the

sweetest dog come over to him man what’s going on

meanwhile he’s just a

giant mastiff and i’m like what a

great dog he’s so

friendly and like such a difference

genuinely affectionate like come up and rub

against you and love it when you rub his head

like how crazy

does his dog get this perfect personality well this guy

won’t let his douchebags breed

he just anytime

he goes i love them i take care of them but no

breeding for you you fuck

and he takes them and he

takes all the douchebags out so he’s done this for like

20 generations so his dogs are like the coolest dogs

like i come over his

house he’s got

these big fucking mastiffs like

the chicks like a buck 30 and the males like a buck 50

and they come up to you like okay

these are lions

these are these

small lions

that i’m just

assuming you have control over

i’m walking in your

house and i’m

trusting my balls and my legs

i’m trusting all my soft

tissue to these

monsters that you have

under your control

the dogs couldn’t have been more chill

just like hey how you doing

come not not like

checking you out like what’s up bitch

what the fuck you doing around here not

sniffing you all aggro

like some of them will disrespect you with a sniff

and that’s like letting you know

bitch i’m just

gonna sniff your dick right now

just like get it on your dick

you know they’re

going aggro on you man they’re pulling some

alpha male shit

you gotta step in and stop them from doing that

these dogs were nothing like that man

these dogs were so cool they just had this air

about them like hi

hi come on in

meanwhile they

would do bite work like he

would have these dudes in a suit and they

would hold them back and then let the dog loose

it was like a meat cannon

like you shot a side of beef with this dude’s arm

that they would just

latch out of the guy and

bring him down i’m like what a

crazy thing you’ve engineered

this dog that will respond to your

every command is

super intelligent

and is gigantic

and can mimic

the primal attack mode

and then shut it off and shut it

right off and be

super friendly do

physically exactly what he’s designed to do to kill

dude that impressed

the that was the most impressive

thing to me when

we were on fear factors what people have done with dog

breeding and dog training

like dogs that really know

their shit they’re

impressive man that’s

impressive like they

had they have it locked down

they’re giving them

treats and they’re

setting them up and they’re giving them

their affection and they’re giving them

their recognition for what they’ve done

these dogs will

do anything they’ll do whatever the fuck you say

it’s pretty nuts that we figured out a way to do that

i always think it’s kind of

funny that people will i

totally love and respect people

rescuing animals i

think that’s a beautiful

thing that people do

and then you know there’s the

other people who will buy like a

budget animal

you know which is

definitely coming from a bad

place if you

buy like a dog for like 100 bucks

sometimes people

just fall in love too

yeah it’s sometimes people

see a dog like

a dog yeah but you you know they expect

great results it’s like there’s a

place where they had a

like twenty five dollar

tattoos you’re

gonna have this for a long time like

make a good investment yeah but some

people just say but it’s a dog what could be

wrong with it i’ve had

i’ve had a bunch of dogs with like i had this bulldog

he’s had to have a bunch

brian just killed my mom sorry

he’s got a he’s got

a hip dysplasia

so he had i have to get both his arms operated

and it was like six

grand man it was like it’s like serious

money so i was like eighteen thousand dollars i

think for both of his arms had have one operation

and they had have one like a

while later and then they were talking

about replacing his back hips

i’m like listen this dog is lazy as fuck

you don’t have to do that people

stuff this dog just likes to

chill like you don’t have to

like yeah he walks around a bit of a limp but he seems

happy like he

might be a little pain but most of the time he’s just

chilling you know

he’s not a running dog he’s a bulldog he’s just gonna

relax you know

okay he’s fucked up you don’t have to give him

metal hips all right just

let him be fucked up

but that’s a dog that was

given to me if that if that it was a situation

is a situation

if they wasn’t i

would have never wanted to get a dog like that i

would know i

would look for dogs

that have a genetic propensity for hip dysplasia and

stuff like that and you

gotta you gotta

think man it’s

wonderful to love a dog and take care of them

but you’re adopting a

giant bag of

fucking problems with some animals you know

if you get them from a good

breeder you know what the fuck you’re getting

yeah we were

we bought a big savannah cat it’s

gonna be almost a 30

pound cat that’s insane

you told me about that

that’s insane

and you feed this

thing like chicken wings

and chicken bones and it just growl

just haunts it

it sits there it’ll

stock it and

then it’ll just pounce and then i’ll grab it in its

mouth and throw it up in the air

and paw it before it gets down to the ground wow just

savage but you

trust it with you does it ever get

dicky with you

totally no i’ve

definitely alpha mailed it

yeah does it

destroy things

no he doesn’t have that

crazy cat instinct

where he’s gonna rip

oh really do you have

posts for him

or something we do have some posts and do you

use those he does

so he doesn’t

defy you no

i got this little

motherfucker

this little

motherfucker i got this little cat

named oliver

and he’s a rag doll

and he’s a sweet cat he’s

super friendly

super sweet

loves coming up but

if you tell him to get the fuck out of here he’s

gonna keep coming back

right it’s like you know he’s

gonna prove a

point right like

he’ll come into

this my library has

a carpet in

and i don’t like him licking his asshole on my

white carpet

you know so

get the fuck out of here licking your ass off but go

come on dingleberries are

worse than them licking

their ass whatever

i’ve got short hair

just take care of that

right away he’s

trimmed i trimmed him

we trim him for the summer because he’s a

fluffy cat it gets hot as fuck out here

right so anyway so he

you know he’s looking his asshole in this

white carpet i’m

like get the fuck out of here dude come on you gotta go

i’m being nice

about it i push pick him up i take him out

thank you bye

i go back in i’m rearrange

my shit i turn back and he’s licking his asshole

again same spot

it’s like you what you can’t lick your asshole over

there he wanted to walk back to

exact know this is

where i want to be

like i’m the one who decides

where i want to be i want to be right here

i picked him

up i put him out of that room four fucking times

before i finally

shut the door i had to shut the door i had to give up

well cocksucker he tests me

but he’s a little tiny cat you know

if it was like a big

serval that’s what they’re called

yeah well it’s bred from servals

so they call them savannahs when they get

you know one

generation removed so it’s a serval

mixed with a domestic a

serval mixed with the domestic but the

breeder i got it from they

keep they’ve been doing

it so long it’s mostly savannah to savannah made what

exactly is a serval

it’s this wild looking mini cheetah

with really long legs it’s a wild animal

fully wild so

they don’t train

those at all

no those are

those are just

those are just gone

i mean they live

i mean there’s

pictures from the

breeder the servals with the children and

stuff like that

they hang out all

right there was a fear factor

show that we did once

and it was in this

really rural area really rural

you know like

these people were like

living outward there was no one out there

and one woman

had a dog that got fucked by a coyote

and how is half coyote

half dog puppies it was a trip

dude it was a trip

they were all huddled together because it was

freezing cold a

bunch of the cast or the crew rather took them home

as pets because everybody was so

heartbroken

because it was

really cold outside we were filming in the winter

and we’re up in like this really

high altitude area it’s cold as fuck

and there’s

these puppies all huddled up together

like shaking and they’re half coyote man

it was crazy

some dog got fucked by some murderous

beast from the woods

you know yeah

when a dog gets fucked by a coyote that’s

gotta be some

trippy shit

what’s crazy about

those hyenas

that people use

those dogs you

know i wonder if though i wonder if a dog fucks coyote

if a coyote

fucks a dog

because that’s what it is usually probably

i bet it’s not dogs fucking coyote i don’t know one of

those big i bet it’s a man

do you think so no i

think you’d kill it i

think it’d kill it yeah

i think they have a war they

would go to

they wouldn’t

but a male gets to fuck a dog

the males can fuck the dogs right

that’s so creepy man yeah

that’s like

i wonder if the dogs can go back to regular dogs

after that or

they just get

used the most

coyote fucked

have you ever seen a coyote’s

mouth when they open their jaws

dude there’s like rows of

teeth like a crocodile that shit goes back

like the first time i saw a coyote yawn

i was like whoa hold on like

you start thinking they’re dogs

and then you see a coyote

yawn you like you’ve got like 20

extra teeth you fuck yeah

those are scary creepy fucking murderers

sneaking in and fucking your dog

there’s a dude that runs down lake in austin

which is a big

big jogging

trail he has

three wolves four

wolves and he just pretends that they’re not wolves but

they’re beautiful

creatures but that’s

a little iffy

yeah i have a friend who has one

he has one and

the fucking

thing got out and killed a gang of goats

killed like got out of his he has like a

ranch and he got from his

ranch and went into the neighbors

ranch and just

started jacking

their animals

just fucking up

everything a little too much

well had a blood orgy

just went over there that he

found a pen that was filled with goats

so he jumped into this pen and

started just

tearing these goats

apart it was big

hundred and

sixty hundred and

seventy pounds

just ripping them apart

and i’m like bro you don’t have control of this fucking

thing man like you

gotta be careful

so what does he do

he moves to hollywood

brings his wolf

three of them

he’s got three of them this douchebag

living in the fucking hollywood hills this

thing’s out

killing deer and shit

i heard wolves aren’t even good

for home invasion

either well it’s like if you come into home

they’re not territorially protected because

they have those

wide ranges not like

other dogs so

i mean a burglar

murder can come

in your home and do whatever and it won’t

but if it threatens you apparently

then the wolf will

it’ll protect you it’ll protect you yeah

yeah you’re his buddy

but you’re not his dad

yeah okay that’s a difference

you’re his buddy

it’s like you

know if your roommate is getting attacked you’re

gonna jump in

that’s not like

if your son was getting attacked okay

you know or

you know if your father was getting attacked rather

and that’s how dogs are dogs look at you like your dad

with a wolf you just like what’s up man

he’s got fucking with you

and the wolf like yo yo yo get that shit out of here

but the wolf is not like you

can’t come over

the wolf’s not like who the fuck are you let me

check you out and make sure you’re okay

the wolf’s like

bitch i know you okay what are you

gonna do to me stupid

that’s how the wolf looks at you the

wolf is not threatened by you

he’s like oh

are you being nice okay good whatever i have

teeth look at

these teeth

i’ll fucking kill you dude

they’re not

worried about you my smile

yeah they don’t just listen to you

it’s a duly different situation

it’s like for the most part you’re probably

gonna be okay and they’re not

gonna kill anybody

but wolves have killed people

wolves killed people there’s

a woman got attacked by

wolves recently

i think it was in alaska i’m not sure

where it was

but a woman got attacked and killed by

wolves it’s very rare

the last time

it happened was like the 1950s or some shit but so what

so it happened

you know if there’s only like

one monster

you know a fucking goblin

ate some old lady’s head once

in 1812 that

would be the most

haunted woods for the history of time

you’d be like that

thing’s real and it’s out there well

wolves are for fucking sure real all

right they howl you can see them

you can watch documentaries on them

you go through wyoming

you’re gonna see them

you know i’m saying

or was it wyoming

where were wolves

that wyoming

are they north dakota

for sure like

yellowstone right

those are real animals man and they’ll jack you yeah

and they’re

smart people forget the mythical basis for that i mean

wolves were real enemies i mean the

expression keep the

wolves in the hills in our

women in our beds was

real yeah those

babies man you were

toasting to that

daily you know

back in the days yeah

what happened did they just wise up to our host

gun situation

and just like back off with all that

dress and shit

i think they

got they got

trappers just

you know decimated the population

yeah is that what it is and then the

population so

small now they don’t

feel it the strength to fuck with people right yeah

they will fuck up your crops or your cattle though

if you have cows

or if you have any animals they will fuck them up man

them and mountain lions

i was a kid once and i was reading this

comic book and it was i used to read a lot of creepy

and eerie do you remember those comic books

do you remember those at all

creepy and eerie were these

really cool

comic books that were like

black and white

really cool illustrations and it was all like

monster stories

and one of them was

about this werewolf

that was sneaking into these

people had sheep and they were

living in the old west or some shit and they had sheep

and the werewolf

would sneak into

their pen and kill all the sheep

and then the guy

goes out there and he gets attacked by this werewolf

and i’m like wow how

crazy would that be if a werewolf was out there

sneaking into people’s

pens and killing all

their animals and i thought about it

just cheetahs

cheetahs do do that

mountain lions do do that all the time

they got a real

if you live anywhere

near mountain lion and you have animals in your yard

you got a that

those are that’s game yeah they’re

gonna just hop over

that fence and kill them and drag them in the woods

why is it any

why is a wolfman any scarier than that

i don’t know

maybe because it can

have sex with you

yeah the wolfman

it doesn’t all the twilight

movies that’s for sure

oh yeah are

those guys technically werewolf so

you know i don’t know because they just become

wolves metro

wolves you know i’m

saying they don’t become a werewolf they become a wolf

like that’s kind of gay

that is like you know what i’m saying

like if you’re

gonna take the time to

morph be something cool and new

you know be

some american werewolf in london type hybrid shit

don’t just be a dog team wolf killed that

whole thing now

after team wolf to me like oh it’s a werewolf

guy you know

teen wolf killed him for yeah

it’s like fucking michael j fox is not

scary or that did twilight kill it for you for

vampires no

vampires were

already killed for me a long time ago dude

if you think

vampires are killed

go watch gary oldman and do dracula

yeah that’s what i’m saying though but then also

watch the million

other tv shows and fucking knock offs

totally but if gary oldman came out

today with a new dracula

he could rock that shit and you’d be believing in

vampires again but now

wolfman not too much wolfman’s done i

think he’s done i

think that last one with

benicio del toro that killed it for me i’m a wolf man

fan bro and i couldn’t do it

we’ve talked

about this too

many times on the podcast i have wolfman fetishes

i have some

crazy fucking werewolf

thing man i don’t know what it is

ever since i was a little kid

loved werewolf

movies yeah

just like the idea that showed some

sketches you were drawing werewolves yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah high

school yeah

when i was a little kid even before high

school a lot

of them are like from when i was like 12 and 13

i’m fucked up

they tap into something primal and

joe rogan some fucking part of me like that’s why i

moved to the woods man there’s some part of me that

wants to be out

with animals has anybody seen joe rogan on a full moon

right it ain’t

that why is he

tweeting at 6am

it’s really

it’s because i can’t live in the jungle

if i could live in the jungle i’d live in the jungle

but there’s no jungle in america so i choose the woods

it’s like i really

would like to

be just living around animals and shit well it’s

got to represent some primal part of all of us you know

yeah there’s something there’s some energy i

think that you get this

sounds so hippy faggy bullshit

ever so true man

just like certain

energy cat when you’re around

these animals like

one of the people that i

lived near up there was this

crazy yoga lady very nice lady but

crazy yoga lady

and i was talking to her

about like mountain lions i’m like

listen then

how do you guys deal with the fact

there’s mountain lions because there’s a fucking corner

store up there

that had a sign

that if you get attacked by a bear

you should play dead

and if you’re attacked by a mountain lion you

should fight back i’m like what the fuck

you have strategies to deal with

different monsters jacking you you’re

gonna play dead

by a bear is biting the fuck out of you really that

stuff you’re really

gonna do that

are you gonna be able to do that holy shit

so i said how do you deal

with this how do you deal with the fact that you around

these these

beasts she was

i just let them all in

when i walk through the woods i let them know

that i’m here

among you i’m no threat i love

i love you and i love them and i just walk through

and i’ve never had a problem like

bitch you’ve been so lucky

you zigged when you could have

zagged and you

could have walked

right onto a

mother cougar

protected or young

you could have

fucked up and

walked into a fucking grizzly bear

and it could have been with its cobs and

freaked out decide to eat your face

you got lucky

yeah you see well you see all

those documentaries

who hang out with

these predators long enough

why do people

think that they are better than deer why do you

think that if there’s love in nature why does

there really it’s all love

why does nature let this murderous cougar

snap this deer’s fucking neck and suck the

blood out and then eat its guts first

cause that’s what they do they go guts

first cause they don’t eat

grass they get

their vegetation by eating the guts of the

things they kill

but it wouldn’t happen to you

why would it happen to the deer not to you

does that you really get

think the universe gives a fuck

if you’re around a predator

and it wants to eat and it looks at you and says

i think i ate one of

these back in the nineties

i’ll try it

again it was good yeah i only get a hiker once

every ten years

but fuck it

yeah they got that muesli in their

system yeah dude

they’ll jack you

especially when they get used to it like

there’s an area i talked

about in my act

an area in india called the

sunder bands

and they have a real problem with

tigers there because the

tigers have gotten used to eating people

the tsunamis or the typhoons rather

they wash a lot of

bodies into the river

a lot of people

drown these are the fucking villagers man

these people are really poor

they’re living in

shacks on the

river in india

and the tigers eat the

bodies that drown

and so they get a

taste of human

flash and they just

start jacking people

just jacking people

ghost in the dark you

can’t go anywhere yeah

bro there’s

videos on youtube and look this up

folks if you’re

at home or when you get home you

gotta check out

sunder bands

tigers there’s a

bunch of cool documentaries online and one of them

these poor fucks

these guys are census takers

so they have to find out how many

these murderous

monsters are out there in the tall grass

in the fucking tall grass

out on a boat

so what this guy this guy has a rifle

and he’s got a helmet on okay

and the helmet has a mask on the back of the head

because tigers like to

sneak up behind you and jack you

they don’t want

you to see them come on they just want to jack you

so these guys are wearing helmets to protect themselves

from getting jacked by

monsters and they

have a mask with a fucking face on the back of the head

where the tigers figured it out

after a while that it was just a face

so he started jacking guys from the back anyway

even though they have

these face on a

bunch of dudes the census

takers get killed by

tigers with fucking masks on

so now they’re fucked

these things can swim

so they have to make sure

their boat has an engine

so they can swim faster than the tiger can

they can run 50

miles an hour

and they’ve killed

300 000 people in the last 200 years that’s insane

you’d think that someone

would take up the challenge and be like all

right tigers

yeah we’re smarter

oh fucking dude people

are like you know hey they’re a part of nature yeah

they’re part of nature in some regards are

right i mean what makes us that much better i mean

because we have the guns this is

ridiculous we don’t need them around it’s so

stupid kill them all what are you crazy

the people in india

should be we are

worried about the extinction of the tigers

you should be

worried you

should be worried

about your fucking

your murderous master

that lives in the jungle yeah you got to keep it

alive it’s your god

are you crazy

are you fucking that attached

these animals

that want to kill people good just gun them down man

gun them or put

human masks on the back of the

tigers and really confuse everything

yeah that’s what you

gonna do brian you

gonna find the

tiger and put a mask on it you fuck

how dare you just

did you try to

trick the tigers out

which i’m saying it would confuse everything you know

there’d be people with

tiger mass on the back of their heads and

tigers with human mass if you could transfer

human consciousness into anything if you could transfer

human consciousness into

like an animal just to see what it’d be like

how dope would it be

to be able to download your fucking

brain into a tiger’s body

and just live it moving that shit around

and running on the train

for sure how

fucking insane would that be man

if you could just control the body of a

tiger with a human mind and fuck other tigers

oh shit tiger shit

god damn how crazy

would that be you totally feel

right you know oh my god it feel perfect

fuck this and even when she freaks out you

like bitch i got this

you know it’ll allow her to intimidate you

even though it’s a

tiger and you’ve got your dick inside of her

you have no fear

you have full control of this thing

blast for 20 seconds just

shoot loads into her

just shoot tiger loads into her

that would be insane man i would

think though if i had to choose i would take eagle

i would like to be an eagle

that would be the dopest

thing ever yeah cuz eagles get to jack fish from the

air yeah bro

it’s a fucking national animal for a reason bro

have some respect

you know the turkey i’m sure you know

the turkey was supposed to be our national animal

willing yeah benjamin

franklin was putting forward this is

turkeys turkeys the smartest bird

that would have made us less douchey

canada they have a maple leaf they’re all like

chill up there

yeah yeah we’re gonna fucking kill her bird

we eat once a year

an eagle oh

turkey yeah

we are not saying

if if we didn’t have the

eagle maybe we wouldn’t be so douchey

cause the eagle is such a douchey animal

he looks like what bitch

why would we want an eagle

first of all because eagles don’t give a fuck

about anybody

you ever look into an eagle’s eyes

that’s like

the pits of hell i cry they don’t give a fuck about you

if you’re holding them and feeding them

every day and they’re a little

thing on your arm

and you get shot in the head with a howitzer

they’ll go well i

guess i’m not hanging out here anymore just fly away

they don’t get sad

they don’t feel bad

those birds

a prayer trip there was a

hawk that landed on our

ranch and we knew something was off

with it because it was just hanging around the house

so my parents were like all

right we gotta try and

bring it in we

gotta try to get it to the

vet or something whoa

so they sent me with a

kitchen glove were they sure of

bullets yeah

they sent me with a kitchen

glove and a little piece of

steak get the fuck out of here

so i’m like

going very slowly like looking at this

hawk in the eye like

thinking of the options

do i fight do i run like

what happened god

but you know it turned out that it was a domesticated

hawk so i was able to give it to me

and then it dug it and then it hopped on the

kitchen glove

that’s great

brought it into the

house and rescued it

does it have to

be domesticated it for that to have happened

i don’t know

i’m glad i found out because

did you ask him like

have you done this before

yeah bros what we do so we do

climb on your

glove bro yeah

what animal

would you be

shut the fuck up

brian’s on a date

chris is a very handsome man

i was right there with you

oh actually

brian well we

have to know the answer well it’s like one of those

things if someone ask you what’s your favorite color

like you shut up dick

meanwhile it is a

valid question

maybe you have

a reason why you’re into violet i’m into purple

i’m in the future

i want to shock you

i’m in the future look i’m fuchsia

i got a hot fuchsia car

i’m radical

didn’t camera on

trademark some kind of pink is this color

did he really yeah

good family trademark

my boy javie

vasquez he fights in pink shorts

he wears pink

pink little fucking

tighties when he

fights he fights for

strike force a bad

motherfucker

he fights for wc excuse me he was

fighting for

he won the king of the cage

title he won

he’s fought in

japan and went over there he always wears pink shorts

he doesn’t give a fuck

no one wants to

beat your ass

beat your ass with

sissy clothes on

see as the stars are

clearing out it’s just pink

shorts and a package

staring you at the face

there’s another dude that dude

the fuck is his name tim kennedy

tim kennedy always

trains with pink

gloves he wears

these big fucking girly looking pink gloves

but he’s like he’s like when you’re a fierce

motherfucker you can wear a pink

right like it totally makes

sense you know

right totally how did a collar get to be so

disparaged why

well it was the traditional girl

color i mean but why what is it

cause people gave it to girls on the baby shower day

you know so it was just in why

why are they in a pink all over the

world there’s not like

is are they in like in

transylvania are little girls in a

black there are little little

goth girls i don’t know is that

the make the big

colorful girl i

thinks the prettiest

color you know i

think if you’re

you don’t want red because that’s like an evil

thank you you just passed my faggot test

i think pink’s the prettiest

color because it sparked

how did pink get to keep the name pink

you know the singer pink

how the fuck is nobody else been pink

how that mean that bitch

got the the best name for a chick

could have ever

like what’s the girliest shit ever pink gangster all

girls love pink

deserves it

yeah but she does deserve it she’s

she’s a badass

you know that i

wrote a whole blog

about watching her perform at the emmys

i watched i

watched their perform and i was like you

gotta be fucking shitting me

like that was just

sheer brilliance

in coordination with perfect singing and

just just so in tune with the

crowd and had everyone

mesmerized it was fucking beyond yeah but i’m just

shocked that nobody got pink before

i mean she’s not old

it’s not like she got there

first like nobody thought to call themselves pink

seems like there probably was

i bet some fucking

dummy that just didn’t

trade market

right i think

that was probably some bitches

out there i was a real pink

i was pink way before that hoe

charlie chaplin was pink once

i was pink in the 80s

they ain’t have no internet

she don’t she know she

heard about me

she heard about me and created her own shit

check my name that

bitch check my name

there’s always

whenever someone

famous gets famous there’s always someone that thinks

that happens all the time

like oh he’s got my whole act that’s my whole routine

that’s my i was doing that in the catskills i

taught him everything he knows i’ve heard that

story so many times that a guy makes

it and then you go oh you know that guy made it but

there was a guy back in

like michigan

who was scared to

leave town but he was the guy he

learned from that guy like

like there’s like kramer there’s a real kramer

you know kramer from seinfeld

but there’s

a real dude he calls himself the real kramer

and he gives like tours of new york

he was like the guy that

burst through doors well i

guess he’s like universally acknowledged

as the guy who inspired that character so he

somehow another they let him

capitalize on it and gives like tours and shit

which has got to be so

twisted yeah and boring

maybe not man

maybe for him it’s like

the shit you know

maybe if he was a dentist he’d be bored

and maybe if

my dentist had his job he’d be terrified

maybe maybe the dentist

i don’t mean who knows what if he me really was

supposed to be kramer the guys got to be very eccentric

right i mean

if that’s really the guy who they they

yeah you know

model it after

what the fuck

what it what is that guy do now

i’ve seen him in

randomly in

placements and appearances

really recently

you talking

about kramer

yeah the real one

yeah what the fuck’s his name is

about to go on somehow

i forgot how come

michael richards

thank you he just attacked a

photographer the other day

did he yeah

i thought he had together

i guess he punched him and

stuff that’s one of the

worst predicaments in the history of the media

for an actor

for an actor to have done that was one of the

worst predicaments

you know that’s like

you know like

people have caught people with hookers like hugh

grant got busted with hookers and

you know and alec

baldwin yelled at his kid

that’s all good

but you know

it’s not that bad no

right i’m the world out

here as a nigger there’s look we have a nigger this is

joe i mean i know it i know what he was trying to do

spoiler what he’s trying to do spoiler

what he’s trying to do is say something

completely shocking

and somehow another

rescue himself from a bad situation

where he was bombing

and he wanted to

figure out how to get them how to hurt them how to shot

how to let them know that he didn’t give a fuck

you know like oh you’re

gonna fuck with my show you

think it’s okay oh you

think because i’m on seinfeld i won’t get

crazy at you

oh look here’s a nigger

look we have some niggers

you know and everybody was like whoa what the fuck

it’s shocking

but what’s most

shocking to me

is that that word

still works

it’s one of the few

words that people

still freak out it

still has magic left in it you know

still has that

ability to affect people’s

interesting it’s amazing yeah

the only one left

other one i

think cunt yeah

dude i have a

whole bid on it

i have a whole bid

about the three

magic words love nigger and cunt

those are the

three words or

the three magic words that have

like the word love

always has way more

power than any

other words you can string together like i care

about you so much i

think about you all day

i don’t know what it is i

just when i’m around you i want to be affectionate

do you love me

you have to say it you have to say

i love you like i love oh

it’s the fucking we’re in we’re in the

house we’re in the love house

we all go in and that’s

magic word number one cunt sort of

but that’s getting

used a lot yeah

it’s toss especially in england oh marks these

cards now so i don’t think

is hallmark

using cunting cards

in england they cunt

all the time

everything’s cunt this fucking cunt

can’t fucking cunt this talking

about dudes yeah

yeah this fucking cunt over here

yeah they start they cunted

up so much that it’s like this fucking dude it’s like

they’re saying dude we’re

gonna be left with two words yeah

but but neger

still very very controversial

you know and just even the joke in my act i

would say that even saying it’s a word like

i’m not even calling anybody we’re just saying the word

and you’re like candyman

candyman candyman

it is like that

it’s like you’re saying an incantation that’s

going to bring violence your way

like you are

using a bad

word you’re not even calling anybody anything

you’re just saying that this word exists and

in enchanting it and saying it out loud

you run the risk of violence

yeah it’s amazing

that’s amazing and it’s two thousand and ten

and we think that’s okay i

think it’s one of the few words

where i can’t even hear my own

voice saying it

cause i don’t think i’ve

had the courage to

voice it oh it’s just a word

i say it’s all the time and you fucking them

yeah tell me how you do it tell me what you say fucking

whoa that was offensive brian

i thought you were

gonna say n word

fucking n word that’s even more offensive

bitch she’s not

really swear

funny you might be wearing a wire you

dirty n word but she’s

but she’s not

really one so it’s not bad you know if she was really

black then it

would feel bad but

she’s white oh

you could be

white you can be a

white nigger

i think that’s in a song somewhere

i’m sure it is what’s a wigger no nigger

brian stop saying that it’s uncomfortable for everyone

we just weirded out half america

half america

ridiculous is

a hundred thousand people listening to this

thing listen

folks they’re just words that’s the

point it’s a ridiculous

point that’s

been argued throughout time it shouldn’t shouldn’t be

still going on

it shouldn’t be it

should always be your intent

it should always

be like whenever you’re in any environment

where you’re not allowed to say certain words

you make that environment at least 20

bullshit at all times

any work environment

that you’re at nobody’s really totally being themselves

everybody has to have this

stupid guard up

cause you can’t say

can’t you can’t say fuck and you can’t say

shit and you can’t

talk honestly

about how you feel about

things no you’re

in a professional working environment accept that

flashlight i’ll have to accept

that flashlight

chris by the way works at

flashlights

chris is what is your

exact job over there is your

executive vp of

marketing and business he’s

the reason why we made the

connection and

he’s also the reason why they have an avatar flashlight

now just as

a correct just as a

correction this is not avatar

oh did i say avatar

this is the

alien pussy

which we actually used to be blue

we actually launched this two years ago

which is totally

which is how we’re

getting around

space so we pushed this out two years ago as just a

space vagina we put some girls in some blue lipstick

oh so this is

the raw avatar but it just happens that they’re just

super hot and

here’s the blue

you didn’t even make it look like a vagina

at all double clits i like how you did that i like it

double click

inside the mold is a

whole bunch of

different stuff

the mold inside is like a bunch of

space shells and

stuff and kind of grains

every thousand plus side has a razor blade

has like different ribs inside okay

urban myth is that an urban myth the razor

blade in the vagina from vietnam is that an urban myth

i’ve never heard

that you never heard that

yeah man hookers would take these back in vietnam

was like when i was a kid in high

school you growing up in boston

back in vietnam i heard what they did they took

razor blades and they put them up the girls in china

then you fuck them and cut your dick in half

you never heard that before

never wow i hung out with a bad crowd

have you heard of the rape condoms

i’ve heard of those yeah they have little

spikes on them

what they shove it in the girl

the girl shoves it inside of her like a tampon

okay and it’s

basically like an interior lining for her vagina

that’s filled with barbs

like fucking like with you know like fish hook

type deals yeah so these guys

they rape a lot

apparently in

africa it’s like a serious serious problem super in

right now it’s like

one out of three

women in africa has been raped

certain areas of africa

and this is one of the areas

where they’re pushing

these rape condoms like

those guys are

gonna kill now

now it’s not just

gonna be rape it’s

gonna be rape and murder

you know if a guy

sticks his dick inside you and comes out bloody and

covered with fish hooks

chances are he

might hit you right

yeah even if

he’s raping you

it’s gonna give

you an asshole that he would rape you

yeah so give you a moment

but a guy was such an asshole that he would rape you

you don’t think he’ll kill you if you cut his dick up

that guy’s a piece of shit you know

he’s not gonna go you were right

you were right i shouldn’t have raped you

i got fish hooks on my dick i deserve it yeah

yeah no he’s gonna attack you

right i would assume

we went out i

was actually out there in africa kenya tanzania uganda

and out with some of the

tribesmen we

were working with some of the men out there to try and

actually instill traditional martial arts into them

so that they

could see some

kind of martial arts the tribesmen

yeah and some of the

inner city to

slum kids because really they have a

whole generation of fathers that are gone from aids

just no father figures so they have

nothing else to really go

to so they get picked up by gangs they get picked up by

these war parties

and then they get turned into little killers

so what we’re trying to do is show them some kind of

paternal discipline

and show them that

they can be

strong and powerful without having to be in a gang

and it was a really cool program

and it worked but it’s fucking intense out there man

really intense we

ended up having to stop the program because

civil war broke

out in kenya and it was just too nutty to keep doing it

god damn yeah

it was it was pretty

crazy so you’re over there teaching

them martial arts yep

wow very like traditional stylized you know we

were going into

mma ground impound

just like discipline

karate type shit going

through the kata and

you know definitely

speaking to them and they i mean they dug

it you know it’s kind of interesting that africa’s not

known for martial arts

you know it’s like africa’s the cradle of

civilization

right that’s where

humans emanated from

but really martial

arts didn’t really pick up

until they got to like asia i mean there was

other martial arts that were developed in

other countries but for whatever reason

i think it’s

cause africa was so fucked up

they just went straight to weapons yeah

like what are we doing we’re

fucking around here with karate chops

give me a gun

you have a gun give me a pointy

stick man give me some shit i

gotta stab some

fucking animals with some hyenas

trying to eat my kids all right

you can’t just you know

fucking box them

like in ireland

hey how are

you trying to eat me kids

yeah man in ireland you know what do they have to

worry a deer gets into your yard

you know i’m saying

they had time to beat the fuck out of each other

yeah they didn’t even bother

learning mma

they didn’t even bother

with takedowns or leg kicks or anything like that

they’re like ah this is good enough just use our hands

we don’t need to get

crazy with the knees

come on a flattery elbows are

against the rules lad why are you hitting me with that

we’re not trying to kill each other okay

but in africa they’re like fuck you they’re going

right for pointy

sticks to your

chest well they’re

poison darts and shit well guns

yeah they’re

just trying to they’re trying to jack you the

exception is the

greco roman

style wrestling that some of the

tribes have

really yeah like a

good greco in africa

yeah some of the

tribes that’s how that’s what determines the

alpha in the

tribe really

all kinds of

crazy rituals like do they have good technique do you

think you could take their back

yeah dude you

they don’t defend

the double like

no no no way

no way you can let him get on top

sweep his ass

yeah you know you don’t got no base

you don’t know

about the rubber

guard you ain’t know you know

about my lockdown

up and down son he’s choked out i get half

guard on you

bitch you got a problem

you got a deep problem make up

with shit in his life

so what kind of wrestling do they do

well it’s just like you know

like real greco roman you know

but is it like technical do they understand

under hooks and overhooks i know yeah

what kind of

throws they have throws that are like judo throws

and they’re good

when you like an all american wrestler

they would go there and jack them

jack i mean they don’t have the nutrition and the

training yeah they’re eating bugs and shit

then i go for you greco

bugs they’re good for your wrestling

drinking some stuff out yeah

drinking goat blood and shit yeah

you know we were talking

about this in the show before but in africa

trap panning

and when you cut a hole

into the top of the head

have you ever seen that no dude some

tribes in africa

do the narnly as shit to their bodies

and i’ve always tried to figure out what that is

where where

where where is that coming from

but one of them is

trappening trepam

and what it means cutting a hole through the skull

and like exposing the brain

and this one guy had done it 20

times antiseptic conditions no

yeah they’re doing it with coconut shells and shit

fucking cut your head over with a

sharp rock and i’m not joking

they are using rocks and shit carving carving

no anesthetic whatsoever

carving in a dude’s skulls

and then the women in surrey

who cut the hole in their lip

and they put

plates in and the bigger the plate

the more cows you’re worth when you get married

like what is that about what is all that those are

tough to figure out the one scarification they

do a lot of that one that’s easier to figure out but i

think is maybe the

worst is the clitorectomy

by the mass

i tribe traditional mass

i i mean not just them right

yeah yeah this

is more so bad yeah

and it’s just you know

and then once

you know once they do that like sex is just

never pleasurable

so i mean it’s a

you know they’re trying to do it

do it because

they’re haters

yeah they’re haters

the can’t they have no game

and they want to control these

chicks for life

and then the

chick turns like

twenty and she wise is up like dude you fucking smell

i’m not into this relationship

i’m gonna get some good dick

right and she

tries to leave and

you are my property

and they have problems you know

it’s a bunch of haters man it’s all

those faggots that won’t let

chicks dance

all those dudes who

wanna put chicks and burkas and shit

come at everything but your eyes

you know they want them walk around like they’re you

know inside of a

trash can looking through a slot you know

all totally insecure haters little faggots yeah little

bitch ass people living in the middle of nowhere

for sure it’s the dumbest

place in the

world because it’s the

first place

i always say that the middle east is

basically they like the townies of the world

because that is

where written language was created i mean

the middle east is responsible for so many

first you know mesopotamia babylonia

where iraq is is ancient sumera

they had the

first written language

the first agriculture

the first government the first

astrology the

first astronomy

i mean they had a lot

of first there was a brilliant brilliant

place i mean

so much development but

everybody like in all good

places they got

tired of the douchebags and they moved

and everybody

spread out civilizations

spread out across the country it’s just like america

if you go the east

coast you get a lot of holdouts that’s what it is

a lot of stubborn people that go i fucking like it here

fuck everybody else

and what they really are is the

grandchildren and children of fucking savages

people in ireland and poland and england

that that life over there sucked so much cock

they were willing to get on a boat for

months and come to them someplace

they didn’t even know what the fuck it was

and so then they get there

and then they

huddle up and they try to figure out this new

place and fight off the fucking indians

do whatever they have to do to make a business and keep

everybody’s

smart goes there’s

gotta be someplace

better than this let’s get the fuck out of here

and they started

traveling west devote your

vital energy to something besides bear survival yeah so

that is the

civilization

beginning is sumair

and that is iraq and that is the middle east

that’s why the middle east is so fucked

up that’s why there’s such haters over there you know i

have a theory that i don’t

think has been

explored very much but it seems like in the desert

areas of the

world they’re very

patriarchal dominated

and then you get to the

coastlands you get to the jungles they have a lot more

matriarchal societies that have a lot more respect for

women and the religions

appear different

something about that dry

arid landscaping of course

the major desert religion

studios and christianity

islam have kind of really

taken hold there

for whatever reason that kind of

patriarchal

dominance that occurs

out there in those it’s

hard life right

it’s a hard life it demands

hard living you know

you have to make

you gotta be

and you also have to realize that

they had this

hard radical

ideology thousands

and thousands of years ago and a hard radical

ideology is very difficult to

break without a revolution

it doesn’t sort of evolve

you know if

their ideology

about like and i don’t know

how recent it’s been that they’ve been so restrict with

women with the clitorectomies and with the burkes and

i mean how recent has that been

i mean it’s

still going on

right but i mean

when did it

start i mean

how what is it something that’s been

going on for hundreds

of years at

least thousands of years the hundred

i don’t know

i don’t know i think but

when you have a situation

where there’s a lot of fear

and a lot of

religious fanaticism

it’s really hard to change because everybody’s scared

well even the females for the clit erectomies

some of them feel like they can’t become a woman

until they get it it’s

so in grain

so if they make it illegal

it’s actually forcing some women

underground

to get them done

in even worse

conditions than

the flint rock and the chisel or whatever the thing is

to get it done so

it’s a nightmare

i mean you really got to attack it with education

you know i mean that’s the only real option

it’s one of

those things where i

think about

there’s certain

levels of fear

when fear gets ingrained into a culture

and when it’s

control and that’s what a lot of that is a lot of

this the controlling of

women with the

clothing and the dancing and you know

to try to prevent

other men from fucking them and all that craziness

right when that shit gets a hold of a

culture it’s very hard to get it out

you know i’m saying like it takes like a new restart

or a person sure

sure absolutely

but at least a

culture or a

person rather responsible for themselves like

people can wake up and go hey i’m a douchebag i need

to snap out of this right

it’s very difficult for a

culture to wake up and go hey we’re fucked up

look what we’re

doing overseas look we’re pretending that this is

going on and we’re making billions and

we got all these fucking

dummies that are listening to us we can do better

it’s very rare that a

culture wakes up or a government wakes up or any

large group

but a person can wake up

right you know i mean i

think the best

thing to do

would be to put internet kiosks

fucking everywhere or

just put that in

satellite internet

just get them out there and have them watch

spice girls

i mean like at that

point you know they’re

gonna say yeah

they kind of

do that with those

cheap laptops you have you seen

those things as like are they getting

into yeah like

throwing them in different

places like that’s

the yeah but

they yeah they

definitely need some big

inoculation

of the retardation that they’ve gone through

for decades and hundreds and thousands of years

you know they need something to get them to evolve

you know when if you get like people that are just so

wacky about a certain

ideology to the

point where

they’re so nutty

that you’re not even allowed to draw

their main dude

oh yeah think how

crazy that is

yeah you can’t draw

their main guy or they’ll kill you

why do we tolerate this

why does anyone tolerate that

i mean that is

absolutely crazy

like it’s not saying no one saying that muhammad

doesn’t exist or

never did exist or he’s not a prophet he

might very well be

i am completely uneducated to that matter

but you’re telling me that you can’t draw them

come on that’s silly

one of the tenants i had a

great philosophy instructor when i was

going to school

and one of the tenants that he

taught he was

philosophy of religion

specialist and he said

any god that

should be worship

should be worthy of worship

if you’re a god and someone’s drawing you

and you’re gonna

smite them i mean that dude isn’t

worthy of words well it’s the

followers that

smite right

but it’s because

they’re smiting because they

feel it’s an offense to god

right like if someone’s drawing you

you’re not gonna get pissed so does that mean that

you’re better than god it can’t be you can’t have a

system where

the god isn’t

worthy of worship and being

as good as another man and this was

my thought is that all of this

it seems so archaic and

ridiculous it seems

so several thousand years ago

it’s amazing that this kind of ideology

is allowed to live

through this

age of information like deep into the 2000s

that’s fascinating man it’s fascinating

it is i think there’s a real grain of

truth at the bottom of all

these religions some beautiful

things i mean i’m sure in the quran

i’m not as familiar as i

am with some of the

other works but i’ve seen a little bit

there’s beautiful passages spiritual

spiritual and really

powerfully beautiful passages and all that but then

men get in there

and they’re able to utilize that as a mechanism of

power to wield more power over

other people

it just gets kind of

twisted well what’s the origin of it all

i mean if it isn’t the word of god what is it is it

smart people who figure some

things out and

somehow another figure out how to tell it to people

and those people tell it to each

other for thousands

of years and then it eventually gets written down

and by that

point it’s become fables and the words have been

twisted and

things have gotten strange and

the translations are off the memories off

you know i mean

if you’re dealing with something as big as the

bible how many hundreds of pages is that

it’s a lot okay

it’s a lot so

dudes had to

say it is a

spoken word

thing for like a thousand years

and then they

wrote it down

it was a while and they had a council to decide

you know it was like a editing council

where they decided

which now this goes in now this goes out well how

about the fucking

new testament the new testament’s even better than that

there were canons for the new testament they just

threw out they’re like

fucking editor they just recently redid

it oh they redid

it yeah they have like a newer newer

yeah i was just talking to

jesus and shit and

we got some old notes we got some old

tupac tapes

gonna pull out

jesus is like tupac

they’re redoing his words

that talking

snake shit yeah

there was like a

bunch of apostles that were like

man that dude

and all that

i don’t care if we know jesus

they chose the words that

you know fitted there

there jenna

yeah well that was constantine

that was when constantine was controlling rome he was a

smart dude he realized he needed to rope people

up with one universal religion it couldn’t be pagan

well at that

point though the

slave class had really outnumbered

you know the

other classes so he was

you know he says it came to him in a

dream or whatever but i

think he was trying to survive yeah i mean

the christianity

spread in the

lower classes i mean

they idealized that

theory that they were

gonna go to heaven and all

these rich people

who were putting him to work and doing shitty

stuff to him

they were gonna go to hell so it took off

and then he

was like oh shit almost our entire country is slaves

i’m a christian like bam i had a dream

you know really and then that’s what that’s what did it

he says it came to him in a

dream but really i

think it was survival so

the christians were just

taken over then they were

there was just too many in that

lower class

versus the patricians who were

well outnumbered at that

point that’s

fascinating so it was a survival move more than

a control move i

think so at that

point the adoption of christianity was like he saw the

flood you know he saw the tides

going and he was

gonna either

get trampled by it

or he was gonna

you know go with it

wouldn’t have loved

to been in that war meeting yeah

for real well they’re like alright well how we

gonna handle this yeah

like yo we got some shit

some shit is going down

this is people out there with

pitchforks and

fucking torches and shit yeah

feeding him the lions was

mad at that point

let’s tell we

found jesus

yes i like that that’s how we

found jesus go with it

i’m fucking

i’m born again i don’t know

about y’all

are you born again

i’m totally bored

again we can

still keep everything

going as usual yeah

yeah yeah yeah we

bring them in we’re

gonna have to include them but they’re not

gonna kill us yeah

okay we’re good we’re born

again we’re born again

after the races

history has changed oh

ridiculous and he didn’t even become a christian till

right before he died

yeah you know

right wasn’t he

baptized like before he died

i’m not sure

exactly the time not

a little bit for a long time yeah it wasn’t a while

i mean you did

start leading like

dunking my fucking head in the water

you gotta do it you

gotta do it they don’t believe you

unless you do it

yeah i gotta fucking get in the

water the water sucks it’s cold yeah

you gotta do

their thing

you gotta get in the water

you know he’s on

point he’s posted a video

about him but i’ve read

all of his books as john shelby spawn

why christianity must change or die i

think you actually posted a youtube

video i’m sure

he did yeah

and he’s a preacher who kinda

is commenting

and very devout christian who’s commenting on you know

the way christianity is gone and the

second book is why christianity must change or die

and it’s really a poignant

book for anybody interested in yeah he was

super fascinating

he was like we’re in the control business this

is all the control business

he was like so upfront

about his whole

you know the entire

career that he had in it brutally

honest wow his

first book goes through different passages and

basically attacks the

fundamentalist position of christianity

and says look you know this

doesn’t make

sense this was a book it was a guidebook

there’s lots of

stuff that doesn’t make a lot of

sense in here anymore

let’s go through

this let’s get rid of this and then his

second book philosophically talks

about how the

evolution of christianity needs to be

in order for that religion to survive

and i think

ultimately it will i

think it’s happening

like the fire and brimstone that used to be

that bosch paintings of people just

getting ripped apart

you go to el

duomo in florence you look up at the ceiling

and there’s

demons with

these big giant

big giant wooden

flaming staff shoving them in people’s

asses and like a

demon that’s like shoving one in some girls pussy wow

and you’re in this church beautiful church

and like what the fuck is up here like that is crazy

what is the name of this

place again

el duomo el

duomo el duomo

it’s the center church in the middle of florence

oh my god climb up

to see this fucking

bananas i have to see this

i mean i’ve been there do they have

they must have the

photos yeah

for sure sure

so what is the

story behind all that well i mean at that

point i mean they were pushing

well it was for sodomy and

adultery and that was the

crimes being punished but they

would be punished by

spell el duomo

it’s you i think it

might be il

since it’s italy

and then duo mo

it’s in italy those crazy italians yeah

but i mean just just naughty man

italians are so nuts man you know

i’m italian i grew up italian

but it’s because they’re so

savage that they’re always riddled with guilt

yeah they’re just so fucking crazy

they’re the leftover romans man that’s real shit

where’s the

photos of the dragons and the assholes and shit

so it’s gonna be the interior of the dome

the interior of the dome

need to see this

it’s a beautiful fucking building yeah

shit stunning i mean it’s done made some

they made some dope ass architecture did

they were on

point it’s not amazing

isn’t that amazing that if like if you look at like the

vatican you know

and look at like a lot of the shit from like

the like all the shit that davinci

painted like the sistine

chapel and stuff like

no one does anything like that these days

some of the

sculptures i looked at some of the work by this artist

named bernini

and i sat this

one and it was a lady sitting on the pillows the name

well bernini

actually did the ones that were like daphne and apollo

and the rape of persephone

and just to look at how

he was able to

sculpt someone’s fingers digging into someone’s flesh

like hades is

digging into persephone he’s into her side like

grabbing the side of it

and you cannot believe that it’s

marble i mean just the way that he makes it like fleshy

and life like canova did the same

thing with this lady reclining on a pillow

just sculpting sheets

out of marvel that looked like they’re

you know you could

fluff them in the breeze yeah

what the fuck

just incredible and

all this stuff just passed on through

generation after

generation of

learning how to work with

stone and carve

and yeah fuck

yeah that’ll

never be duplicated yeah it’s like people are

just way too lazy

yeah i’m not carving shit out of

stone fuck all

the weaknesses in the marble and envisioning

what could come out of it but we’ll do some

crazy shit like walk through the amazon

we’ll do some

nice shit like i’m

gonna be the first guy

like douchebag do you know you can take a boat

and it’s like a few

hours you go all around well

you know it’s even crazier than walking through

the amazon have you seen the documentary big riverman

the dude who swam

the amazon what he swam

the amazon oh like this one will be easy to

bring up because

it’s a big riverman com and see it

that dude is nuts so he’s from like

he’s trying to

die yeah well he does pretty much takes 65 days right

so it’s his documentary this guy and he

started swimming because he had this alcoholic father

and his father

would come home and try

and beat him he’s in eastern europe try and beat him

he figured out

he figured out if he went in the

river his dad

wouldn’t follow him and so he’d just swim and his dad

would chase him

along the riverside

what and so eventually he

learned to be this stamina endurance

swimmer but he got all fucked in the head

you know and so

he goes out and he swam

all of the world’s biggest rivers

and so he goes

out on the amazon i just saw this happen to

catch this late

night and i was just amazed and he

doesn’t do it like

a normal swimmer

would like take

their protein and do that

he’s like getting them to

throw bottles of wine in the

water and whiskey

he comes off he

drinks another two bottles of wine

and he’s not even in

shape he’s like

he’s kind of like chubby

you know and he gets there

but then around day 40

he’s drinking the

water from the amazon so all the

parasites again

he has an onboard doctor and he’s like

shocking himself with

electroshock therapy to kill the parasites

and he’s like

screaming with

stuff in his

head and like batteries attached to him

it’s nutty but then

around the 40th day

the last you

ever hear from him in the documentary he goes

i’m crossing into the fourth dimension now

and he just fucking is gone

at that point just gone

and then so he’ll like wake up

early in the morning and swim away from the boat

and they won’t know

where he is

like pointing their

light out and trying to find him they see him

naked on some

river bank looking at

driftwood just god

so is he gone

because he was just

fucked to begin with or was it all the parasites

i think it’s

the parasites and just not taking care of himself

exhaustion he’s so sunburned he has to wear this

like mask he looks like silence of the lambs is mask

covering his face holy

shit yeah it’s it’s nutty

the big river man is the name of it martin strel

i believe is his name

and it’s funny

there’s some naughty

motherfuckers it is a

broad spectrum of

human beings yeah

it’s broad yeah you know

just when you

think you’ve got people

completely figured out you’ll

find some new one online

you’ll see some new shit

i guess when he was

swimming the yangtze

it was so dirty in some of the industrial areas

that he had to have

nightly blood

transfusions from a

nurse on the boat just

new blood in old blood out

and he just

kept swimming

the pictures of that swim are just insane

you want to swim

all of the biggest

rivers of the world okay

what is it about

people doing dangerous shit that they don’t have to do

it’s one thing that if you get thrown

into the amazon you have to figure out a way to swim

to stay alive and make it to the

shore and then get back to safety

i survived in the woods

i started a fire with rocks

i know how to get back

and i got back and i made it that’s an excellent story

but when you thrust yourself into that situation

like that’s not a game that’s a

river yeah well i think

what is that it’s not

the survival instinct that has

propagated the species it’s the instinct to reproduce

and doing dangerous shit

has always gotten chicks

and really that’s what it is yeah i mean

how do you how do you account for chicks

that like getting hot air balloons

and go across the world

how about this

chick who’s rowing her way

she’s on a sailboat

she’s like 16

and she’s sailing across the ocean

what’s that

about is he a lesbian

she’s trying to get some

pussy i don’t know i mean i

think that’s some kind of

you know some kind of tapping into the same

some of the same instincts i mean dude

lesbians trying to pick up straight chicks is

just as creepy

as dudes trying to pick up straight chicks

my girl certainly gets her gets her fair share

i was at the mailbox

and i’m about to send a package and this there’s this

lesbian lady

and she’s like so obviously dikey just

big and she’s got a mullet and

it’s like the whole deal

right now and she’s got like

going out of her windows

eddie bravo

falcon wristbands

it’s like a leather

strap on her wrist

and the girl in

front of her is

getting a package

you know and

she dropped something she was like oh i’m

sorry i’m so disorganized

and the lesbian goes

don’t apologize for being human

i was like oh

it was so gross

i literally put my hand up to my

mouth i’m like

it was so like

sleazy here’s my card

you know it was so like low rent

you know traveling

vacuum salesman trying to fuck somebody’s wife

you know i mean it was like so sad

don’t apologize for being human

like that must be what it

sounds like you know when dudes try to do it too yeah

i’m sure it is

it is it’s the same thing right yeah

when you hear a dude like with a sleazy cheesy line

you know like oh you feel bad for that chick that

could be your sister that

could be your daughter she’s gonna listen this moron

you know i could always just give it to you

right here in my car

yeah it’s brutal oh

yeah could be someone’s kid

that perspective comes from having

dude that perspective jacks you when you have children

everything changes porn becomes like a sad story

you know like only poor girl getting mouth fucked

think about it that used to be somebody’s baby

somebody’s little girl used to be a thumb now it’s some

big giant black dick

glug glug glug

she’s getting gagged slapped in the face with it wow

can’t enjoy it

not so fun changed it

change the game have you been you you’ve been

brian have you ever been to settle porn

where a set of a porn

i just like my bedroom and stuff like that

tell us brian

speaking of which

play your friend

your friends club oh yeah

yeah so this not

speaking of

which i mean

you really this is not a romantic situation

here’s some porn i

filmed no this

is actually from

tripoli’s naughty show this is

a video that

tell everybody

they don’t have to see it it’s

funny enough

as it is but if you want to see it

what is the youtube address

it’s just type in

a little esther

on the street

on a little

esther on the

street know what this is

brian’s friend she’s twenty two

twenty two but she looks like she’s

twelve yeah

twelve years

old seriously she really looks like she’s like

and that’s her whole

thing and she was on

jimmy kimmel she played

jimmy kimmel’s

sister on jimmy kimmel

and one episode and what is her name

esther esther yeah

as you call her

they go by little

esther she’s hilarious she’s like a new up and coming

comic i would say that

she does a lot of comedy

store stuff and

esther i’m sorry

what’s your last name again

she goes by little esther

little esther

yeah so you can find

her her name is a mystery

well if you go on twitter

it’s twitter dot

com backslash lil

underscore ether

i’ll tweet it in a bit but

yeah it’s called lil ether and here’s

that so how do you

spell esther

hold on e s t

h e r oh it’s

s through huh yeah

i would have got that wrong

so but then i

would have looked at it the

right way and be like

that doesn’t look

right either est

er they look

stupid yes all

right whatever let’s let’s hear this it’s

funny she’s on the

street she’s a

she’s a girl

literally looks

like she’s 12 years old and she’s just walking and

yeah and she’s saying this this is for her health

class you know all right

so here goes

little esther

she’s got questions she needs answers this

should be interesting

so i’m just asking questions for my teen health project

what does friends with benefits mean

it’s loading up it was loaded oh that’s okay

brian i can’t believe you did that

it was loaded up earlier but you know we went and

stopped it anyway blah blah blah

are you playing it over again

they already heard that part

god damn it

anyways it’s really funny yeah just go to online

we’ll play it in a bit we’ll load up

while we’re waiting

let it load up okay anyway she’s 12 and she looks

she looks like she’s 12 it’s really funny video

yeah from sam tripoli’s naughty show

and she asked dirty questions

yeah you already know the joke right

but it’s good it’s a good joke

it’s very similar to that man show boy concept time he

is but way dirtier kid looks really young but way

more wrong yeah it’s a girl

but at least it’s really

she’s really an

adult as opposed

to the mancho boy was like a real little kid was it

i thought it wasn’t i thought no no no

no it was a kid

it was like 15 or something

he was a boy

right and he aged

while the show was

going on i didn’t know that became the man show

you know like a

teenager you know

i always got that kid

mixed up with andy

melanakis or whatever his name is

you know what i don’t even know who andy melanakis is

i know the name

i’ve seen the name written in

print it’s like a

cultural pop icon name

right i know some will say it

and i don’t know who it is

i don’t get it i’ve seen it a hundred times it’s pretty

funny and he

is it comic

yeah well he’s like like a

video guy that you did i don’t even know like a youtube

guy like a youtube

but kind of but he also has been in like

stuff you know

movies i hope people don’t get offended when you

say they don’t know who they are there’s just so many

people to know from

mtv i think

there’s too much shit

going on man i can’t keep up with all

those goddamn

videos people are sending me

i look at my twitter it’s like

if i wanted to just

waste my entire life

not waste but use up all my time

i would just go on my twitter and

watch all the

videos that people send me all

these fucked up

crazy videos over and over and over and over

again all day

check this out

oh my god have you ever seen this

how is this guy

still alive

everyday animal attacks car wrecks

motorcycle crash

animal attacks

it’s all fucking day dude yes so much content out there

it’s impossible

to watch it all

our minds are being reprogrammed

you sit in front of

these fucking computers just inundated with crazy shit

over and over

again all day if you have time

if you have time and your dick works

someone’s gonna send you something fucked up

right because if you have time and you’re

young enough to be having fun in life

you’re gonna have some fun friends

and if you have fun friends they’re

gonna see some fucked up shit

if they’re gonna see some fucked up shit

then i want you to see it too

right right

if it tweaks them they’re

gonna want to send it to you they want

to they’re gonna want to be the one that shocks you

it’s too much man it is

it’s good it’s you know

every once in a

while just reading

a book with actual pages you know cuz i got the ipad

thing and i like that too you know yeah but

it’s sometimes comforting just to go back

just back shut some

stuff on this page

well you know

letters you’ve

tried this recently

and this is a big

thing that i do it’s a sensory deprivation tank

you just tried it for the

first time right

and what did you

what did you think

about that well i

think i sent this to you in an

email but i likened it to the

first time i had sex like

i could tell it was something rad

and i knew i was

gonna dig it for the most

the rest of my life

but i was terrible at it like just not not

quite good at it yet you know you have to really just

relax your mind and

i was fidgeting with

how comfortable i was but then

i also was super tired when

i was in there

it was a long week and i didn’t have it

available to me except for

kind of late

in the evening and i wanted to make sure i got in

so i started to fall asleep but it was this

crazy consciousness in the

sleep like i saw this window

of where sleep was and i

could visually see it i

could see it with my eyes open

and i could

crawl in it

and i was asleep

and i could

crawl out of it

and not be asleep and i was

fully in control

of how it was

going and that

was pretty wild i mean

what you’re able to do with your mind in that situation

where you can’t tell when your eyes are

open and your eyes are closed and there’s no feeling

no sensation on your body

the amount of

control i was able to exercise was amazing

didn’t find any kind of

great lucid information out of it

but the experience was

wild i mean i’ve

never been able to see

those layers

because usually you just

pass out you don’t know when you fell asleep all of a

sudden you’re

awake you remember that

then all of a

sudden you’re asleep and you wake up the next morning

but this i was able to see the steps and

in between and you

never realize how

quiet it is

until the power goes out in your house yeah

you know when the

power goes out in the neighborhood and the

power’s out

everywhere that

you hear things go off

and there’s that that dead silence that you read

you don’t get any other way

well the tank is that times a million

the tank is that with your body it shuts

everything off yeah

everything it’s it’s one of the

things that i always talk

about i talk

about on this podcast all the time

i talk about in interviews all the time and the

thing that i always say is that i’m

i’m always shocked that people don’t do this i’m always

shocked that people don’t know

about this i’m

shocked that there’s not one of these on

every corner

that people aren’t

having these

things put in their

house they have

jacuzzis put in

their house

why don’t you have an isolation tank

like do you not want to be

happy do you not want to

think do you not

want to relax some people are running like hell from

their own thoughts

that’s too dangerous into

too much work man that’s too much work it’s more work

to run from your shit than it is to face your shit

and that there’s

no facing your shit like facing your shit in that tank

you can’t hide behind any bullshit when you’re in there

there’s no distractions there’s nothing

you get right immediately to

whatever was fucking with you

anything and

then once you get good at that then you become a jedi

you become an astral

traveler you get in there and you

learn how to really let go just lock in quick

i lock in within 15 minutes i’m gone

i settle in

it always the

thing is you always

gotta get your body to

relax there’s so easy

there’s so much

tension can

carry around in

you you don’t realize how much tension you have in you

until you’re in a zero gravity environment

and you realize you’re holding yourself yeah

you’re like pulling yourself in like your

back and muscles are pulled in your arms are pulling

you don’t even realize you’re doing this you’re

fighting the

world all the time

but when you

get in there and then all that shit goes away

then about 15 minutes

in once the breathing stabilizes

and then i go

then i’m gone then i’m

off in the land

of wild hallucinations and fucking vivid

dreams and lucid

dreaming and flying and

communicating with

entities and

having things

explained to you in gigantic

three dimensional numbers from an

alien planet that are rotating around you and some big

holoscope that’s

like a hologram that shaped like the planet

earth i was

watching the universe being explained to me

in letters that were from another planet

that were spinning around that were

three dimensional

and it was all being orchestrated

by these aliens and it made

sense to me

while i was

watching it

i was trying to figure out

their code and

their pattern

so this is how the

whole universe works

it all works by this one

thing then everything goes into another

thing and that

goes deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper

that’s how crazy the tank is

yeah why is that not everywhere

well i mean there’s

other ways to get there too not there

there ain’t no

other ways to get there

unless you’re doing drugs

exactly that’s kind of

where i was leading to

but there’s

but even those are better in the tank

yeah you think you know what

mushrooms feel like

mushrooms in the tank are

a totally different animal man there’s no distractions

that mushroom gets to talk

right to you you know

the weed in the tank the weeds talking

right to you there’s no

my ass is on the

couch and the

light is hitting my eyes and the

elbow touches the seat

arm there’s none of that there’s no

input there’s so many

powerful weapons

at our disposal that people are so scared of

i mean it’s just

crazy i mean the tank is one of them obviously

a huge resource and it’s easy it’s just

you know you can’t complain

about anything but then there’s other

shamans for years i think

the best way i’ve

heard it describe is this

rad book called the cosmic serpent by jeremy narbie

and he says

that shaman’s goal is to

lead you to the realm of the

spirits and then

allow you to defocalize

he talks about it like a

stereogram you remember

those 3d images

where you relax your eyes and

the 3d would pop out

he’s like that’s what

you’re doing when you’re in that kind of shamanistic

experience is you’re defocalizing your body

and then allowing communication

to come through

but his theories are

pretty amazing i mean

these conversations are there’s people

right now that are listening okay

and there’s two groups of people

no obviously there’s more than two but

when it comes to the subject there’s people who’ve had

psychedelic experiences

and people who have no fucking idea what we’re talking

about like literally

you think we’re talking

about hippie fairy dust

you know like this what it sounds like you’re wait a

minute what are you doing you’re

tuning in to what are you

tuning into

what are you

you’re tuning in to santa claus what’s going on right

like there’s even intelligent scientists

that will have conversations

and if you bring up any sort of

psychedelic or any sort of

psychedelic compound or altered states of consciousness

they just shot off on you

they just immediately discredit

everything you’re saying well you’re just talking

about getting high and this is

put it in a nice little box that they can

discard and they toss it away

but if they’ve done mushrooms they’ll go

oh yeah exactly

right i get it they’ll look at you and go yeah it

might be that yeah it

might be that i’ve talked

to like some serious serious fucking scientists man

and guys who have

phds and guys who work at universities

teaching schools

i mean teaching

physics courses and shit

i’ve talked to them

about psychedelics

and had some fascinating conversations

where people

who are way

smarter than me way more educated than me way

way more experience in the ways of the

world and they’ve had a

bunch of psychedelic

experiences

and you know they’ll tell you like

who knows what that is

yeah who the fuck knows what that

is well that

might be a billion different

thing this is a pretty

cool theory by jeremy narbie and i’ll give you the

cliff notes here so for

discussion sake but he went down to

the iowa scar

o shamans down in the jungle and

had took the ayahuasca

with them and he was just an anthropologist

and for people who don’t know let’s explain what

ayahuasca is

ayahuasca is two different

plants there’s the actual

dimethyltryptamine

active plant

that is part of a vine

and then somehow

out of the 80 000 species into amazon they figured out

things that’s

more than that yeah there’s this other leaf

that they needed

to combine with it to actually make it work an

mao inhibitor

and so they combine this and they make it into

a tea and it’s been part of the traditional religious

ceremonies down there yeah

see what this dmt

stuff is is a chemical that it’s the most potent

psychedelic drug

known to man but it

exists in a

bunch of different plants but

you can’t eat it

because when you eat it it

exists in so many different

things i guess your body has some

protection for it

cause if you eat grass

grass has dmt in it well there’s a

thing that your stomach makes called monoamine

oxidase and that’s m a o

so these guys figured out how to mix an

m a o inhibitor

that kills the

m a o in their system

with this dmt so that they can take it orally yeah

and you talk to

when they interview the guys and they

asked them how they figured this shit out

thousands of years ago by the way

they said the

plants talked to them

that’s how they say

about all the

medicines that they yeah

the plants told him so jeremy

he took that and he was like how

could this be

true he’s like you know science discredits it but they

prove it time and time

again they pick the shit

that works and then

modern pharma goes down there and say hey

what does this do

and they know

the answers so how do they know the answers

and so the theory is that this all comes from your

brain your brain projects this

stuff when you take

dimethyltryptamine but he has a different theory

and his theory goes that

you know in all of

these cultures you see

a lot of serpents when you’re

underneath these visions

and these serpents are

often intertwined and you can see this written in rock

paintings in aboriginal australia and all over the

place the vision of the

serpent he calls it the cosmic serpent is everywhere

and what he’s saying is that’s actually a vision of

persons dna of

dna in general not just the persons but the dna of life

and that you’re actually

when you’re in that

level you’re

communicating

on a microbiological

level with dna

which is connects

everything it’s kind of like the navi

avatar principle where

everything is

connected by the universal language of dna

and the defoculization

of the ayahuasca

allows you to communicate with the dna

so that the

plants talk to you that

there’s visions and wisdom from

everything that comes

and the synthesis

he’s able to get

i mean there’s actually dna emits and

one of the ways you say they communicate is dna emits

actual light it emits

photons dna itself will do that it’s too dim

and it’s too

small when you isolate dna by itself

but it’ll omit a certain amount of

photons so all of

these theories that

your beings of

light and whatever and

everything is light

all sounds like you said like hippie

stuff or whatever but it’s

cross culturally

people say this

well when you do dmp that’s what you

see too you see beings that are made out of life right

exactly and he’s

saying that’s the dna the dna is the substance of life

it’s interconnected substance of life and that’s

that’s basically the collective

unconscious

you know and

that’s how all different life forms man you’re

just on drugs dude

i see what you’re doing man

just trying to fucking this always the cynic

those steps in yeah that’s good you’ve got

this is what

you got you got chemicals interacting with your

brain and you go loopy for a few hours

while your body

tries to normalize the poison

you’ve put in your

system yeah yeah yeah

what you are okay

is just another religion

man you’re just believing some more wacky shit

and all that

ever tells me

is that dude

hasn’t done dmt

that’s all it tells me

if you’re talking shit

about doing dmt for sure you

haven’t done it

because once you do it you go

oh oh whoa whoa really really wow

changes the game and

these guys have been doing it for thousands of years

and people go what

if they’re so fucking

smart man how come

they don’t have tvs or cars they don’t have paved roads

cause if you were doing dmt all the time you

wouldn’t give a fuck

about tvs you know like tv ain’t

shit compared to being able to communicate with the

afterlife you fuck

you know what’s

funny i can fish i’ll go get a fish

it takes me an hour i cook i know

i have food i’m done i’ll go do some more dmt all right

the iowa scares they call

they call the

ayahuasca the

television of the forest

yeah that’s what they call it like that is

where they go here’s

an interesting

point better than any

television they brought some

ayahuasca back

from brazil i believe this was in the 50s

and when they

first recognized

it as a psychoactive substance

they were going to call it telepathine

because it allowed

groupthink and allowed telepathy like they were

going to patent it as telepathy

but they didn’t realize that

one of the active compounds in it had already been

identified and that was harming

and because harmony had already been

identified because of the rules of

scientific nomenclature like the

thing they were naming had already been named

so they couldn’t call it telepathine

but that’s what they were

gonna call it they were

gonna call it telepathine

like whoa that’s the active ingredient

something that

allows you to have telepathy

this is really scientists are fucking writing this down

that’s nutty shit man

it sounds so

woo woo deepak

chopra yoga beads bullshit it

sounds so fucking dumb

to me it sounds dumb

but i know it’s real

cause i’ve done it

that’s how crazy

dmt is in ayahuasca

and mushrooms and all these

things that people just

automatically

label as silly

yeah automatic

these are life changing

reset button

pressing motherfuckers

and everybody’s

like oh what are you doing mushrooms man

but here’s an honest

question do you talk

about dmt every day

is there days that you don’t talk

about sure not at all

so amazing that like it’s just

flooding you can’t talk

about anything

every day man

but i think

about it every day

there’s always a moment

where i’m like

in the shower by myself

and you go oh yeah so you don’t

think so you don’t

think that’s kind of

crazy that you’re not

crazy it’s just

it’s like if you were picked up by god and

taken a magical

mystery tour for

three hours

the spaceship

above fucking pluto

you would be remembering

that shit all the time because it was the most extreme

experience of

a human being

could ever possibly have but i’ve felt that

in drugs where i’m like this is the most amazing

thing in the

whole entire

world but i don’t

think about it it’s not like that

it’s not like that it’s

not like that it’s

not this was the most amazing

thing in the

world it’s not like that at all

it’s that this is even possible

is impossible

that this exists is mind blowing

that this reality

seems realer than the reality that i live in every day

in fact there’s

something that feels like it’s communicating with

you and it’s giving you a message that you’re connected

to everything

and that it’s

a gigantic illusion created by your biology to keep you

alive and to make you sustain this

other world that

exists in your

dream consciousness

i mean they communicate this shit to you yeah

and it makes

sense and whatever it is

is sees right through you

and communicates only with love

and is showing you impossible

to believe images and visuals

and at the end of it when it’s all over you’re

changed forever

like you can

never you can’t go back

you can’t go back you

wouldn’t want to but you couldn’t anyway

but you gotta make sure

that whatever you get out of that you can

still talk to people

that’s too much of anything like

i don’t want

to lose your grip yeah you don’t want to get

slippery you get

slippery you

could get if

you know there’s a guy that i know that’s a

tattoo artist that’s done dmt like a hundred times

and i have hung out with this dude and

he did eddie’s arm

you know eddie’s

sleeve yeah

i don’t want to say his name because just in case he

doesn’t want people knowing

anyway dude

is got this fucking sniper stare

he’s got this look in his eyes man like

he’s just been over there just a few too many times

like he can’t ever

quite step back into the real world

like every corner he turns around there’s fucking dmt

elves staring at him

from behind the counter

like he’s just been there too many times man

he’s had some very interesting

he doesn’t talk

about it that’s a

weird thing

i think when you when you

when he does talk

about it but he

doesn’t go into

depth like me like i’m

just yapping

about because i

haven’t done it in years it’s

still fresh in my mind

it start like off like i’m talking

about it a lot and then you

start peeing your

pants and then you start

seeing it when you talk

about it you

start seeing it again

you know like little

flashbacks will pop in your head of

things that happened

not flashbacks like

you were like you can’t see or you’re hallucinating

but just like

oh yeah oh okay that happened oh yeah oh yeah

just it makes you think

about it again

there was one

experience that i had at the traditional shaman out

in the desert here in the us and

she took me out she took me out

a girl shaman yeah female shaman it’s hardcore right

and so this is

where the music start yeah

so but anyways i

you know i fasted did the proper

traditional

preparation

and i drank you know

drank a substance i

think it was

you know some kind of mushroom and

other traditional

plant based substance

and that what i got from that has totally

changed my life forever

at that point i was able to lift from my body

lift from it

look down and realize

oh wow this is just a

vessel you know

it’s useful it’s wonderful it

allows me to flow through this world but

it’s not the end of it’s not the be all

you know like there’s a

separation there’s a distinction

between body and spirit

and from then

the fear of

death evaporated for me and it’s just it

would just be a

shame like i certainly don’t

wanna die i love life life is fucking rat but

the fear of

it is gone there was just a hallucination man you were

on mushrooms you’re hanging out with a hot shaman girl

trying to get some

pussy got a little

carried up in the moment you went a little

barry manilow

jesus just put him on your

shoulders man

he could have been

on the shoulders

everything of that

do you ever

do you know

the book of the book the sacred mushroom in the

cross you ever

heard that story

i heard a little bit

about it john

marco allegro who was

one of the head scholars of the dead sea

scrolls he was in charge of deciphering it spent

14 years working on the oldest version of the

bible by far

and what he

decided after 14 years he

wrote a book

about it that the entire christian religion

was a gigantic misunderstanding and what it was

initially all about was

psychedelic mushrooms

and fertility rituals

and he said this is what the

whole christian religion was

initially all about

and like you know

has this fucking book

dedicated to it i don’t know

i can’t follow it i don’t

understand you

know ancient languages i have no knowledge of it but

just the fact that this guy was like this really

well respected scholar and he

came to these

conclusions i mean

of course they were doing drugs

the drugs were around

mushrooms have

been around for thousands and thousands of years

what we’re the

first ones to figure out you can eat it

people back then ate

everything they could

right they ate

everything they had to try

the reason why we know shit’s poisonous

is because dudes

ate it and died and they said all

right he ate that he died don’t eat that

you eat that you try eating that because

there’s a lot of this shit around if this is edible

it’s good it’s good the

apples are good let’s eat the apples

that’s how they figured out how to do

things they ate

everything bro they

ate it all they knew what was good and what was bad

and if mushrooms are around and they were

people were eating them

and if people were eating them

they were seeing god

and if they were seeing god

they didn’t want anybody

else in on the action so what did they do they hid all

their fucking knowledge

about these mushrooms

and these rituals and they put it in stories

and they put it in fables and parables

and they just

twisted it all up so it was just a little bit different

yeah fascinating

that’s the fucking the forbidden

fruit is a mushroom man

that’s what it is

i mean there’s there’s an ancient fresco in france

there’s this ancient

painting rather

and it’s on

on this wall it’s from fucking thousands of years ago

and it’s adam and eve

with a mushroom tree

there’s adam and eve with mushroom caps all around them

i mean it is the fucking forbidden fruit

and it’s been

squashed because if you take that that’s a

direct link

i feel to god you know i’m a

both a spiritual

person and a kind of a deistic believer in

in the universal god force but

you take away

mushrooms and then you insert people and people get to

absolve you of your sins it gives them

power you build them

giant structures

they get to have wield

money power

and if you look at the history of the catholic church

women as well

especially in the middle ages in the renaissance

going through there

and so they’ve inserted themselves and then removed the

other mechanism

to get there directly

so they’ve become the intermediaries

at a certain

point i wonder i mean how much

of that is true because there’s a lot of speculation

about you know

where they lost the way and what it was really all

about i wonder how much they let the common people know

about it even back then

you know maybe it was something that you know the

elite found out

about it and they

tried to protect

the information even from the common folk

but it also

might have been a question of climate change too

terrence mckennis

had some ideas

about that and he thought that

with global climate change

which is very

cyclical happens all the time

a lot of times

the climate

will be inhospitable for mushrooms it changes

so instead of getting

mushrooms all the time now they can’t get them anymore

and so then the culture

completely changes

and becomes more of an alcohol

based culture

it starts off they start

using preserved

mushrooms in

honey because we know they’ve been preserving

things in honey for thousands and thousands of years

and then you deal with fermentation because

honey can become a psychoactive substance

on its own it can become mead

when it becomes fermented it becomes like an alcohol

and so then they go into an alcohol culture

and then before you know it the mushroom ideas are gone

all the love and you

know all the your fellow man that shits out the window

and now you know everyone’s just

drunk and raping

you know it’s interesting it’s fascinating shit man

you always gotta wonder like how

did we get to be who we are now like what was it like

could you imagine if you

could go to like

1400 bc and

just go hang around england and see what the fuck was

going on in france

and see how people were living in europe you know how

trippy would that be man that’d be great whoa

that would be

the strangest

fucking thing

to be able to

go back in time even just in like an invisible

impenetrable

capsule like you

could just just

stand there like in an invisible

phone booth in

the middle of a town

you know and you get to

watch and they can’t walk through the

phone booth it looks like a tree they can’t touch it

you know i’ve

always been fascinated by that moment before battle

you know where you know you just have you have like an

axe or you choose between an

axe a morning star and a sword

and you’re like what am i

gonna use it’s gonna

maybe make me survive you

know like how good is my armor

not as good as that dude’s but i’m a rocket anyways

and like just

feel that you know i mean

mma gets an approximation of that and

i think why people love it so much

cause it’s the closest we got

but it pales in

comparison to that

you know to that

moment you’re with all of the people in your country

and perhaps the

horde that’s coming

is gonna rape your girl

you know kill your children put them into slavery

smash their head on

rocks and you got it you just

gotta fucking hold the ground

you know like how

is that you know i mean we don’t even know what that’s

about we have no idea no

and they did that forever

forever i mean that was such a part of the

human you know

birthright but how much of that shit is

still in our genes and how do you shut that shit off

all of it yeah

right the human hardware

is so retro it

still goes on though like any war you’re doing the same

thing like what kind of missiles

does this guy have of

course it goes on

now it’s totally

different in person it

you know it’s so impersonal

you know with the

call of duty it’s pretty cool

i mean yeah

soldiers are ryan

just said right

seen call of duty

while two wars are

going on overseas well that means like

call of duty that means it’s

all ground game the game is pretty much ground game

is that like

going into war

explosions and

stuff like that’s

still going on for that is

going on you know what else is

going on drones

drones are allowed to go into

places we’re not even really at war with

like in pakistan

we’re not really supposed to be at war in pakistan

but we got spaceships

that are working on remote control from nevada

they’re remote controlling them from nevada

and jacking dudes

in pakistan

from the air they probably have iphone apps with

controlling control

just tilt it

man you can tilt it destroy that person by just hitting

dude it’s like that

movie do you remember that

movie where

the dude got really good at that

video game and then the

aliens came and recruited him

yeah yeah yeah remember that shit i did

remember that shit star something starfighter

starfighter was that it

starfighter

i just remember because his name was rogan

his name was alex rogan

you know dude i mean

they’re doing that with kids that get really good at

video games fan

kids get real good at video games

you guys are awesome the army has

score and then

people burst in your why

wouldn’t you son

do i not take

that about this the army has a video game that’s

track so they can

track the top guys i bet

those top guys get knocks on the door once in a while

would you like a million dollars

could you imagine and you weigh like 80

pounds and you’re in your

underwear you’re like

i don’t like killing

things for real i just like to play your game

right can i go back to playing your

game you put some poor little thirteen year old like

five more years you can join us

you can play that game for a living what do you

think pal what do you think

get you all the hookers want

take some poor

fucking kid was just awesome at the army game

yeah it’s scary to remove that personal side to killing

you know i mean it’s just a totally different paradigm

well we were talking before the show

about these

guys that have been caught in

afghanistan that are us soldiers that have been killing

civilians and taking home little trophies

playing like a game

just jacking people and killing people just

they get too used to killing people man it’s

too used to killing people

and too used to being in a

place where everyone

resents you and they don’t want you to be there

yeah and you know i always

for the longest time

i always would look at

politicians and go how much

say do they really have how much

say does the president really have and what the fuck is

going on over there

or is he just a dude with a job just like all of us

is it just all bullshit once you get in there

and i used to look at bush

and when bush was in iraq and i used

to say is this

motherfucker responsible

for all these people

dying is he responsible for all this

talk about weapons and mass destruction

or is he just some dude who’s got to do this job

and i remember when he was

standing in

front of those people and that dude took off his

shoes and threw him at him

yeah remember that shit

i remember that and he ducked and then the dude

threw it again and he ducked

again and he had a little half

smile on his face

and i’m like that guy’s just a spokesman

yeah that’s what i got out

of that i looked at that i’m like that is just a dude

with a very difficult job

that’s not all that bright and has some

ideals and got

stuck in this situation and

yeah he’s got to say we’re

going to war but there’s a

machine behind that

motherfucker he’s not running shit

i’m looking at him ducking those

shoes smiling

i’m like that guy’s not he

doesn’t have

a care in the world

he’s not worrying

about what happened in iraq he’s

no he’s just an employee

perhaps it’s not his responsibility really is it

who knows who knows

i think alex

jones would have a theory on that

that was my favorite part of the

whole bush administration was that dude

threw his shoes

it was the first time i liked him

the first time i liked bush i would get

angry i’m like this

motherfucker just making up words all this bullshit

then i thought

about him like that guy probably gets like four hours

sleep at night

what would i be saying if i was

speaking all

these people i’d be making up words too

i’d be stumbling i

would fuck my words up at everybody fucks up

you know obama

said something

about there being

forty eight

states mean he fucked up the

states when he was running

you know people fuck

things up all the time you’re not

thinking you’re

tired all the time you’re on this campaign trailer

they don’t he’s not running shit

learned i like bush

no i mean i

think he’s probably all right

it’s probably not a bad guy

yeah everybody’s like use the team and he’s a devil

i bet they believe that

you’re really a president

until they get in there you know

i think once you get in there

they open up

these doors

and you get to see the gears of the universe run

you get to see the gears of our

whole system and

the fucking

well if we stop the war we don’t have the oil and

society is going to fall apart and

we’re getting to a

point of overpopulation that’s why we need

feed me camps and we have to make sure

that if something goes down we have enough caskets and

whoa now about you cutting

taxes oh fuck all that

yeah fuck all that fuck all that exactly we need some

money dude we’re

gonna need some

money got some shit

going on we got to come up with an alternative fuel

we have exactly two years

worth of fuel left

and then people

start eating people okay

what the fuck happens when you get in there man show

yeah i was a big i was a big support i was big

obama fan i thought you know

maybe i don’t i’m not i’m a

libertarian so i’m not republican or democrat but

i thought this dude is smart

hmm he can hoop

he’s got a good family it looks like

right he’ll get in there yeah

he play a little

basketball hey

you say that i i

appreciate i saw him play pool

that goes good guys get a little bit

of a stroke

a little bit

of a stroke

obama can get out

you leave four balls on the

table obama

might get out on you man

i played halo

reach with him

he’s a regular

dude that’s what i want i don’t want something no

totally you know

child blood sucking dragon like dick

cheney in office dick

cheney can’t play pool he’s too busy killing people

yeah you think dick

cheney ever

learned how to play

basketball no his

heart explodes when he

tries to tie his shoes

fuck guys at a hundred

fifty heart attacks you know

he ain’t playing shit with you and he’s got no

sense of humor

yeah you know

i could recognize him and relate to him

more than anyone that has ever been president before

i was like well here’s a guy who’s only a few years

older than me

and he seems like a normal dude

kanye west he calls him a jackass

yeah yeah fuck yeah when he kisses

his wife it’s like oh yeah he kissed his wife

not like that bullshit

was it quail that

tried to do that

or oh it was carrie

i don’t know all of them all of them edwards

my favorite

that fucking

swarmy douchebag

busted you can’t

you fucking fake cunt yeah

there’s all of them and it’s like you can’t

it’s like it’s impossible

to be honest it’s impossible

to do it they won’t let you get in

you got to be full of shit to get in

i thought obama was the

first guy that wasn’t full of shit i was he seems like

i can take a

chance with them

i was back i don’t

think you can do anything i

think you get in it’s just a

i think he’s just

ailmented yeah

you get in it’s just like what the fuck you know

lobbyists and fucking congress and this and that and

layers and red tape and

chaos and war and then they just tell heroin

heroin heroin

heroin coming in by the fucking boatload

wait wait what’s everyone doing

it’s just slavely afghanist

need to make a profit

other would support this war

you know we were talking

about that on the alex

jones show and we were talking

about that before the show that

there was a heralda

rivera it was in afghanistan talking to this

fucking soldier this guy who has a family

who is supposed to be defending his country

and meanwhile

where is he

he’s in the

poppy fields

protecting the

poppy fields for the afghani

farmers cause in

order for the afghani

farmers to support

the fact that we’re over in afghanistan

dropping bombs on your moms

we have to get this guy’s approval

and we have to

allow them to keep

producing their illegal crop of heroin

so we have american soldiers

that are guarding

afghanistan heroin

so that we can go over there

and blow shit up

whoa god damn

what do you do if you’re

obama what do you do

fuck you get in how you

gonna fix that

it’s tough you know but is you know i

think they figured out that his approval ratings were

dropping is the economy was

was tightening

up and so they’re like i fuck it let’s just

you know push some more

money on the

system push the ball up and then it’s working you know

if i thought

that heroin

was helping the economy i say sell that heroin

who the fuck is buying heroin

retards you

know why is oil

still like at

least in california in most

states right now

still cheap

cheaper than it was like five years ago

you know you mean

when bush was leaving office then they had a fucking

a grab but don’t you

think it was

right now it

should be like

ridiculously high

especially after like that

spill and stuff like that

well did you just realize or just here rather they

underestimated iraqis

oil reserve by 25

there’s 25 more oil in iraq than they thought there was

oh shit party

on oh shit gonna get that club

hat son fuck a v8

you know listen man

who the fuck knows

i think it was i

think they just jacked up all the

prices so they can pay for new plasmas

on top of the

all the fucking oil

you could be

gone to like

the gas station there’s like nice plasma tvs

and everything like that and like

where does this come from

oh yeah 5 a gallon

last year you know

i wonder who actually how that works i

think i think actually how it works is

i mean they’re all in bed together obviously

but i believe

it’s the distributors

that set the

price and then

these oil companies like there’s a

place up a street it’s owned by

these hindus

that i go to

and they have

the ohm on the door

i’m like this is the oddest

place ever they sell weed pipes there

they sell weed pipes and incense at the counter

like this is the oddest

place ever like you guys sell

petrochemicals you sell

you know the real problem the reason why we’re in war

that you know that the reason why we pollute

and it’s all coming out of this hole right here

anyway you get the ohm at the door

so i don’t think it’s them setting the price

the plasmas i

think it’s the companies that sell it to them

you know it’s

free market

speculation handles a lot of that i mean when oil

price was dropping there

was big deflationary pressures at the same time gold

prices were

dropping things were

price because nobody had any

money the speculators

weren’t able to buy the gold

they were pulling

their assets back out into cash etc but now

things are a little bit looser

and these commodities have

value they’re more

worried about

inflation now because

obama’s push it

you know just shoving

money into the system

right so in an

inflationary

you know time

then these commodities have

value so now we’re seeing oil rising we’re seeing gold

right but what was the

big there was one big jump

where it went up to like five

bucks a gallon

what was the

cause of that

you know i think at that

point it was a massive

inflationary concern

you know that there was just

that money was

going to lose its

value and that

caused the oil to go up in price

yeah when it goes up

a barrel does anybody know you don’t know either do you

brian has no idea

i’ll tell you it’s

ninjas ninjas at the price

in japan on friendly dolphins i mean

there’s certain supply and demand factors

involved in the oil but

as well specifically but on a macro

level i mean it’s all about

generally inflation it just

seemed very

suspicious to

me that it was the end of the bush administration

administration that was

clearly under the

influence of big oil

and then at the very end of the administration

everything just gets jacked up

it was to pay his tab you know

it was dreadline they were

going to redline as much

money out of the

system as they could

until the new administration came into play

you know how much control does

the president

or the administration really have on how that kind of

stuff works do they have any

is it all it’s all got to be set up

there’s no way they’re

gonna let some new dude come in

every four years and just rerun shit like why

would we do that

you know the

career guys the very top of the heap they’ve already

we got this we got

you know well opec

supposedly sets how much available

reserves there are and kind of does that but how

much is it you know all of that is some speculation you

know who knows how much they know

and what they’re doing but it’s

it’s an interesting game with a lot of

money at stake when you have that much

money at stake you

could be fucking sure

that people are trying to figure out a way to fuck it

it’s pretty amazing what

it’s done though because if it wasn’t for oil there

would be no

plastic there’d be no computers there’d be no nothing

you know all the shit that we make today no

flashlights

no flashlights

no flashlights this

is actually

flashlight is actually made out of oil yeah

this shit has to come out of the ground as oil

before you can fuck it yeah mostly mineral oil food

grade mineral

sure it’s not made out of heaven

joe primary component

and food grade mineral oil comes out of the ground

right just like just like oil

well where does

it come from yeah

it actually

might does it come from minerals

i should probably know that doesn’t come from fish

can you make a flashlight out of fish oil the beaten

that would be more realistic

dirty fucking yeasty flashlight

maybe some dudes just miss stinky

pussy the only time they got laid is by sluts and just

drunk pigs didn’t watch their snatch

and that’s what they

give me a hat on i got a smell

there’s a product that came out actually called vulva

and what they’ve done they sell it for 40

bucks gang already

for 40 bucks

and it’s like a little perfume vial that supposedly

smells like pussy no really

yes it does

so you know obviously being in the business

and we ordered some

and we passed it around to smell

and it doesn’t

quite get there but what it kind of smells like is like

cat box like no no it’s

close it’s way closer than that it’s like post condom

sweaty sex oh

sweat and rubber has that and

like this like this

oh why would anybody want to sell

stinky pussy smell

i don’t know we used to sent ours with

with like the nice

spread on your vanilla

scent but now all

flashlights

come on i always wonder how much of like fart porn

is just for show

how much of dudes oh

i think it’s mostly

definitely for show girls are farting in dudes

mouths and they’re beating off and shit

what is that is that for show or is that just dudes

were far porn really over the deep end what is that

what is that

you know i think with all

these fetishes

someone out there likes it

for sure at

least somebody for

at least one guy out

there loves

everything you know

what i think it is i

think all of

these fetishes whether

their feet or whether it’s shit i

think someone’s

mommy was like that’s

disgusting don’t you ever fart like

and they just hammer him with this repression

and this repression gets all twisted up

and then all of a

sudden all they

want to do to get a boner is fart on somebody

you know because they’ve been told by

their mother so many times farting is disgusting

don’t ever fart

and i think the same with feet like hide your

dirty feet your

dirty feet they

they stink blah

blah blah and like really like kind of victorian

you know parents are doing that all the

sudden all they wanted to do is see someone getting

jerked off by a girl’s feet so what’s your fetish wow

you know i don’t have one really what’s yours bro hot

girls i don’t know my beautiful

girlfriend yeah

about what’s yours brian

i have a lot of fetishes

really yeah totally

like what definitely

boobs but that’s not a fetish

it’s called being a dude

every guy’s in its

boobs i’m not really no you don’t care

about them at

all i’m really a butt guy

yeah i mean i

appreciate butt is

definitely more important i

appreciate i

appreciate what they do to the feminine

form like i can aesthetically

value them but as a

sexual object

very low on the left

yeah i agree

that well i don’t say they’re low on the list

but they do not

compare to the ass

yes is critical

yeah it’s very important

because a girl can have a

tremendous ass and really be like an a

cop and she’s hot as fuck

you know it

doesn’t matter

you look at that ass like god damn

but a girl with big

tits and a really flat ass is just like

if the butt had

nipples i would agree

if an ass had nipples i

would agree

could you imagine though if an ass had

nipples if an ass

had nipples you

would agree

they don’t want a flat one

no i’m just

saying for fetuses if you combine boob and ass

would be like

the best trying to do a mashup yeah on a massive

fetish fetish mashup the remix

it’s you know

they just have this

dense thick heel skin that curls over on each side

like a human flip flop

you could hide a q tip from

where the ankles

the calves go into the

ankles you can

just tuck one in there and not even see it

we were talking about that too that’s the

thing that you least have sympathy for

someone who’s overweight

you know i i sympathize with people who have granular

problems you know but

if you just a fat fuck just gluttonizing all day

if you’re a fuck a fact shit

say that again have you ever fucked a fat chick

i’ll give you a

second chance

um i’m sure i have

sure i blocked it out you know

it actually is a little bit like hey it’s more chick

and it actually you know you

get sweaty and greasy it’s like you’re fucking more

woman and i kind of

enjoyed it was different

do you feel more comfortable with your body too

cause you’re like listen

bitch you know you’re fat

you know i didn’t

think of it that way

it was kind of like

there’s skin and

boobs everywhere

everywhere do

you ever feel uncomfortable

about any one of

these folds in her stomach

right it was just

weird like i don’t

want to do it

again but it was

definitely interesting who was it the

toast that only fucks with a

shirt on was it ari

duncan i don’t remember whatever point is

i guess if you were if you were banging i

think it’s alright i think i think i’m incorrect

if you’re banging

it might have been louis ck

oh i can see that

no well i think he actually has a bit on it actually

i’m pretty sure that’s it

yeah i think louis has a bit on it um

you know if you’re if you’re fucking a fat

chick like you could like loosen up you know

if you’re banging like some super hot

alpha female with perfect

shape like why is she even let me fuck her this is

ridiculous right like i’m not even worthy

but if it’s a faculty like bitch you know it’s

as good as you can make it

that’s funny yeah there’s definitely i mean in

culturally you know there’s some cultures that still

there’s a lot of dudes who like em fat like em

i have a friend who likes

thick girls and he always jokes about sam tripoli

he jokes about it he likes em thick

he likes em thick he goes i like a thick girl

just like say it out loud i like em big

i like a big ass

you know and he’s hilarious

about it that’s what he likes man that’s his type of

woman always has been

and he’s not faking it that’s what he likes

everybody’s got their own thing

so that’s a that’s a fucking

a weird thing like when someone’s got a little little

twist yeah a little twist and what they’re attracted to

go with a fucking like a long foot

and i want a big foot

i don’t want a wide foot but i like a girl with a long

foot i have friends who

will look at a girl’s feet almost first

and they’ll be like

oh no no look at

her she’s got

like a size 10 you know they’ll just be out

oh what i don’t know

so the big feet

big feet big

feet are bad or like weird toes

i’m like that with weak chins and weak eyebrows

if a girl’s a weak chin

or a weak eyebrow really

small chins are disturbing yeah disturbing

i don’t like it

there’s something

wrong with you genetically

right like if you’re really missing a chance because

it reminds me of

like a frog or something it’s odd

it’s an oddity like why is your

lower jaw so small

like do you not have to chew

things yeah

right are you more

evolved than

me are you in the next

stage where we’re

gonna be eating liquid

fruit can you blow that out

and do a bubble and make a nice song from your mouth

what is that

is that evolution

are they more

evolved than us

know but what’s up

and also eyebrows

i don’t know

about you eyebrows

eyebrows bug me when

chicks have like

really like

drawn on eyebrows or

like just you know no eyebrow at all it’s just

bugs you bugs the

fuck why do

chicks trim

their eyebrows we

don’t give a fuck

they don’t even know

if a girl has big bushy eyebrows we don’t give a fuck

they just got it

doesn’t make her less

hot take care

of all in the middle

yeah but but

yeah girls with

unibrow but you know what if a girl’s

really hot and she’s got a unibrow who gives a fuck

i can i can tolerate

unibrow yeah you just

pretend she’s some

crazy israeli

bitch that just got out of the

secret service over there so

so over here spying

on you but she falls in love and you’re banging her you

got i don’t

think any brown

would bother me at all man

hairy legs are a

trip what about

facial hair

i dated a girl when i was really young

who was um she was

going to an all girls

school she’s

going to an all girls college and her and her friends

wouldn’t shave their legs

yeah they were like

super feminist

hippie chicks

and this just

did not work out the conversations that we had were

it was like they they went to this

completely all girl

school that was like

super like you know

super ultra

liberal ultra

socialist ideals and

the view of the

world was very strange and

they wouldn’t shave

why should women have to shave men and shave

like how about

we both shave

i’ll fucking shave

you okay if

the only way to get you shave is that i have to shave

i’ll fucking shave

i don’t mind having shaved legs i think it’s

weird but i’ll

do it if you’ll do it i can’t fuck you hobbit lady

you got hair

on your feet you know that’s just a trip man yeah

girls don’t be having hair on your feet

please stop that but that’s been i mean

this female

shaving has been

going on for thousands of

right but what is the reason for that is there an

evolutionary reason why are we so much

more attracted

to less hair and why is hair

disgusting to us

is it a hygiene

thing for pussy

right it must be a hygiene

thing right

like you got all that

crazy hair i don’t know if

you don’t even know what

the fuck is in there

you don’t know what’s clean

or visual creatures too so it right

you but some guys like hairy pussies

the hairy pussies on

their comeback

i mean harry

pussies very two

thousand ten

sasha gray and some of

these girls and they’re

rocking it they got the bush but they cut it off

right at the top you

know i mean they don’t go

all the way through to the

so they let a top bush but they don’t let

the butt hair

butthole bush go yeah

so what do they do they wax around all that wax

their laser and

lasers just keep a landing

patch or tweezer

no but it’s not on any kind

yeah it’s like a real triangle

is that like a defiance

thing like i’m

gonna redefine

my sexuality

i think it’s just that people get

so accustomed to one

thing that the

new is hot probably it’ll go in ten years

sasha grey fascinates me

and one of the reason

why she fascinates me is because she’s like the girl

that like somehow or another is

free of the porn

more into more like of mainstream

people’s you know people’s thoughts you know i’m saying

like she’s not just thought of she’s like

she’s like elevated

she’s like left the just a total porn

world and she’s permeated regular pop culture

you know and it’s strange when

something like that happens like how does one do that

you know there’s always like

there’s people that are like super

successful at something like

lance armstrong boom

there’s there’s the guy he’s the guy rides the bike

yeah you know and jenna

jameson there’s the

super porn star you know she’s the one

and then it was a few

that get through the

tracy lords that get through and then

other people know about him

you know but

sasha gray is one

she’s a unique one she is

it’s interesting because she’s on the very hardcore

side of the business too yeah she’s no holds barred i

mean whatever whatever she’s down with

but she kind of does it in a way

where she’s like

i want to explore

all the sides

of sexuality including the dark side so she

kinda has owned it

from the beginning

yeah i think that’s made it better you don’t feel like

sasha a poor

sasha you’re like sasha

is doing what

she wants to do and she’s doing it on camera so

i think has

helped her out a lot and then you know she got a big

break with that

steven sawderberg’s film

i didn’t see

that did you see that as

it was a little tough to

watch the whole

thing but it was cool if i

would like yeah

i would like as a

short movie

you know like she reluctant to say it sucks

i do well i

know i know sasha i

know sasha i

know some of

these girls well

she was an awesome

actor but look what you had to work with

well it was a cool feeling

you know but

you can’t drag that on for an hour

and a half as well what’s the cool feeling what is the

movie about

it’s kind of this very dark kind of artistic

analysis of a call girl

you know and how that interaction is

but it could have been done with one scene

like you get it you get the

scene you get the feeling you get how

this interaction goes so in the girlfriend

experience is she providing like an intimate call girl

experience that it’s like having a

girlfriend yeah

yeah exactly

i saw like two minutes of it once on

television about

right really

maybe i saw the two minutes i saw was the last two

like talking

this guy and hugging him and then they cut the

black and yeah

what the fuck is that

just just kind

of a snippet that lasts a little bit too long

that’s a fucking strange

thing man you ever have a

buddy that’s in love with a prostitute

i’ve had guys fall in love with the stripper like the

t pain song

i had a friend who was in love with the prostitute

he was a guy used to play pool with

yeah very nice guy

but he was unfortunate looking

and he did not do very well with the

ladies and he

would go to this massage

power and get jerked off by this one prostitute

and it was like one of those

creepy massage ballers

you know it

wasn’t really a massage baller

like you know they like rub you back and

then just go what’s up put your dick out let’s do this

and he wanted to ask her out to

dinner outside and she

wouldn’t go out with them

and he was trying to figure out like he’s asking me

what i should do what the magic

words were what

should i do to get her to come out with me i really

would like to see her outside of the club yeah

and i was like oh

you’re on your own

yeah there’s

so many know

where the wrong

is it’s gonna

translate that there’s so many things

wrong with what you’re trying to do

i mean yeah okay well

how okay what happens then you become boyfriend and

girlfriend and she agrees looks and

no more in the

mouth only hand jobs

from now on

like do you guys do you come to an

agreement or

just accept the fact that this is what she does at work

that’s work for her

that’s tough

strange right

it’s strange that we’re so

it’s so genetically attached

we’re so genetically attached to controlling each

other’s sexuality

you know you

could have a wife that was a massage therapist

and she could be us

goods great deep

tissues let her let her rub you bob

oh really your wife’s

gonna rub me

she’s gonna rub me with oil

all over my back and am i

gonna grown

while she’s rubbing me i’m

gonna go oh yeah

oh so good and you’re

gonna be cool with that yeah

it’s okay because it’s just rubbing your back

but if she rubs your dick

and you make those same

noises i mean

basically she’s doing the same thing

it’s just massaging you but it just feels way better

but feels too good

too much too much

you’re gonna get

psychologically attached to her rubbing on your dick

yeah you can’t do that

we draw the line

it’s a funny it’s a

funny paradigm

and it’s certainly always been one sided i mean

i wouldn’t even want a

chick who does massages

yeah i would feel

creeped out

get a bunch of my

buddies come over and you massage i’m like what

yeah could you imagine if you had a

chick that was doing massages and you really into her

and then one of your buddies

started getting massages from her

okay bro what the fuck

what are you doing

and they have a nice

like eight ladies

i give massage hug

when they see

thank you so much for the big tip

please you’re the best

stop it i’m not the best you’re the best you kill me

i can’t wait for the next one

when’s our next one when’s our next one we doing this

again yeah oh stop

and you’re like hey

are you guys fucking like what’s

going on over here

god damn it

you’re causing pleasure with your hands

and the rubbing his ass

cheeks what’s up what’s up

it’s interesting

you have those

those conversations like

would you tell me if mark got a hard on

while you massage them what are you saying

stop it god

yeah there’s a real distinction for me

i mean and then some people who won’t let

their girls get a massage

i have yeah for sure

you know i mean that’s

they won’t let him get a massage from another male

masseuse you

know and that’s some taliban type shit

but you know and then

it just is a

whole variety of

different levels of what people are comfortable with

you know that’s

well i can see that

no dudes fucking seeing you

naked and rubbing your

right but yeah he’s

gonna look at your pussy

yeah for sure

for sure i mean

it’s it’s an interesting paradigm i mean for me

i think i wouldn’t

we have a you

know me and my girl have a very like very open honest

you know relationship and she

the music don’t yeah

she respect

we respect each

other’s ability to just

you know want to go out and

experience things but this segment of

chris marcus’s pen pan

is brought to you

by the flashlight

please continue

but there would be

there’s a real hard line between like

that like i

could you know

i’m totally cool with her getting massaged

and even in like some perfect circumstance

where there was some eunuch

you know who needed to manually

get her off at some

point i think i

would be cool with that but at the point

well you know whatever they don’t they don’t

exist in you’ll be cool with but they do they castrati

still exist they

chop their balls off they get

some situation

where it was very

mechanical she goes in for a service

he mechanically get

right but at the

point where it’s like he’s lusting

and she’s lusting there that’s when the

that’s when the

board that’s

where the fucking hard line is

you know like

boom boom forget

about it no lust

just physical

no lust physically

for me i can make the

connection it’s the same as

rubbing the back

or doing something like that

is the same

as you go into the jerk off

salon right

yes go there just

some girl just rubs your balls

with hot oil

and jerks you off and that’s it

nothing is going on just kind of feels really

mechanical ah

thank you that was

great that was awesome i got rid of that not mike

go out and talk

about your childhood

and i don’t even

know my dad oh my god i don’t know my dad either right

that’s that’s

right next you know you’re

holding hands laying in the

field looking up with the stars

fuck all that man

that’s just bullshit

yeah that’s no good boom

boom boom boom

the real question is

gonna be what happens

when we can create artificial people and fuck them

and our people even

gonna bother with relationships

that’s the real question

you are on the brink of this with this

flashlight thing

cause now you guys are the

first people

that have created an effective artificial vagina

all those other ones are bullshit all those

blow up dolls

those are for bachelor

party gag gift bags all

right those are

silly nobody really fucks blow up dolls

if you do it’s

not good you’re better off jerking off you

might fuck one once

but they’re not good yeah

you guys have

engineered a true artificial vagina

but this is just step one

remember when tvs

when you go over your grandfather’s house

and the tv was this big

giant ass fucking cabinet

and the tv itself was only like 11 inches across

and you need this fucking

monstrous piece of

furniture with

big tubes and

shit the bag of wires

and remember it

would sometimes sparks

would come out the back and you’d have to open up that

there was like a particle

board back to it and you’d

unscrew it and pull it

back and look inside the bowels of this fucking beast

now look at it you can

watch your little iphone it

slips in your pocket man

and it’s way higher resolution so much better

much better

experience watching a

movie on your iphone

than it is one of those

stupid tvs or an ipad

jesus christ yeah

the ipad of the fake pussies coming

hopefully hopefully

flashlight will be the ones to do it do you

think so are you guys working with genetic engineers

are you on the cusp of nanotechnology

well you know

i mean all of that that’s kind of the golden

goose like the more realistic you can get it

interactive and

you know like

fully people have

tried to do it but

no one’s done

it well yet so obviously we’re looking into it i mean

things have to evolve i mean the

fleshline are

you looking into robotics

yeah well to have one

one eye on robotics

hmm just said it

just leave it

yeah i mean i don’t want to get

too much into it but we’ve certainly

explored all

those different

things even making it

so that they

could register

your performance so you

could almost

you know log in and see

how your performances compared

to somebody

else like in

courts you know

like what is

how do you register

like you have

high scores like high

score you are devaluing the personal experience

you’re taking it too far man

two thousand

stroke shouldn’t be like three

this is a you’re not

fucking a person who you’re trying to make feel good

you’re trying to

shoot a load

i know if i

do this ten times

i’m like why is it taking so long

you know you

should have you

should have like

flashlight pants for gay guys

that like the there’s like the

thing like the end of the

flashlight so

it goes on their assholes

when other guys fuck and

the other guy it feels better

you know like it feels like a pussy

adapter for another guy’s asshole

how do you know that they don’t like the

feeling of guys assholes i don’t know i’m just saying

mix it up a little bit they only have one tight listen

dude is fucking

you in the buddies fucking you in the butt all

right this is

you can’t have a filter for that

something rather disturbing is

that actually happened except

the guy just put

the flashlight straight in his butt

oh really yeah

i didn’t see that but our

flesh jack team informed me

okay there was a

video was this

was a video the

video guys stuff the

flashlight up his but another guy fucked the flashlight

would that make

would that make you gay

yes i’m not

sure i don’t know

about that yes

dude if you do fish in the butt it’s gay

listen if you

yeah but i’m saying if a guy fucks you

your flashlight

okay see if you stuff a

flashlight up your ass

right that’s gay

if the guy fucks your

flashlight is he gay because he’s not

touching is he gay

is that what you’re saying he’s just fucking a rubber

vagina it’s gay

if you’re somehow

touching a guy getting off okay what if you don’t

touch him what if you just

assume like a high

mount if the guy

spread your legs

apart he keeps

his legs closed do you

want me to say

no for a reason shut up

is he gay what is it queer

is that queer

that would be

weird you know one

of our most popular selling units is called the stamina

training unit though

and really explain this

well the concept is

basically that

your hand doesn’t feel anything like

pussy so it

doesn’t prepare you to have sex

so there’s a lot of anxiety

performance anxiety people who don’t last long enough

want to last longer

so we’ve been able to give them

a product that’s very like highly sensitive in a canal

so they can

use it and get a little bit more prepared and

sensitized and people love it

like we get feedback like man

thank you so much you know like i’ve always

had problems with this but now i’ve gotten a lot better

yeah the first time you actually

stick your dick inside a vagina no

yeah i remember the

first time i had sex i came in one second

i came in one

second i stuck it

i pulled it out and there was just loads

everywhere oh my god

i barely made it

barely made

it i have no idea what that’s

gonna feel like the

first time i blew a load i was in shock

i didn’t even

know that you know you i wasn’t nobody told me shit

all right no my parents didn’t tell me anything

and when i was

i guess i was like fourteen or fifteen

fifteen my girlfriend blew me and i

busted one in her mouth

and my ears rang

and i was like what the hell was that

like i couldn’t believe that like

stuff comes out of you

like you could feel it come out of you like whoa

oh that’s what i’ve been

building up to

i didn’t know that there was even an orgasm

thing i recall it being like a 30 second

orgasm though

the first one oh yeah

creta lasted a

ridiculous amount

my fucking ears rang

the first time i came

my ears rang they

haven’t rang since

wow cause i

never gave myself a day off

i’ve given myself like one day off since

no i did one time for my website no

it was like 30 days or something like that i

tried to do

but yeah you

never recapture

it’s like they say with heroin annex the

first time they

shoot heroin

it’s just insanely beautiful

experience and from then on you’re chasing the dragon

dragon yeah you know that expression

yeah what is that the

first load you blow it’s like

as good as it gets kids

love it enjoy it

but the experience is so rough

that it’s terrible

i mean you’re

just nervous i remember man i remember the

first time i’m

trying to figure out how to use this condom

and i’m going

into the bathroom and i’m just like it’s not working

right she’s in the bed and she’s ready

and i was like

literally like was hot

and i just came out and just gave up i was like i’m

sorry we got to come up with a different paradigm

to make this happen

like you know

and eventually you figure it out and work but that

first time is fucking

brutal top top

what do you think

about these

fighters that hold off for

that’s ridiculous

they’re crazy

they’re distracting the shit out of themselves

yeah that seems like a really bad idea that’s so

silly i don’t

think there’s no no

writing no no tests no studies done ever that show

a decrease in performance

due to the fact that you’re having sex

i think the distraction that you

would get from not having sex would be

way more problematic yeah and that

would fuck you up more

would fuck up your

train of thought you

wouldn’t want to

fight you want to get some pussy god

fucking late

i’ve only gotten late in

eight weeks when

going through

training camp that’s

crazy but i mean it seemed

they seem to say that it

builds aggression

you know that they just want to fucking conquer

i’m sure it does but you know

just how much

aggression do you need man

you’re a fucking professional cage

fighter already

chances are you’re aggressive

yeah you know

need to be more fucked up

i wonder if

they have better ground game though because they always

want to get on the ground i’ll tell you who used to

fight and who used to fuck

right before he

fight tyson

that should be the end

discussion yeah

i didn’t abstain

i didn’t abstain from

sexual intercourse this

is a natural feeling for me i just had to make sure

make sure i was

relaxed before my big

fights those old

tyson training

videos are beautiful the best was his early

fights man like marvis frazier

you ever watched the marvis frazier

fight that was assault

he just ran

up to that regular dude and beat the fuck out of his

super alpha body

that shit didn’t even make any sense

he came out of nowhere and got everybody

excited about

fighting again

for the longest time

after muhammad

ali nobody give a fuck

about boxing

it’s like the

larry holmes era everybody’s like what

larry holmes is

fighting pinklin

thomas who gives a fuck

don’t even know if they ever fought but

you know my

point is like

you know who

gives a shit oh tony tubbs who gives a shit

yeah michael doakes whatever you know

that all sudden this

crazy motherfucker

moving a hundred times faster than everybody else

and just smashing people in the face at will

that’s what we wanted to see we didn’t want to see that

those fights were like

those fights

yeah you want to see assaults yeah two minutes

here it was worth it

not really though people get pissed off

sometimes you have a

bunch of friends over for pay per view

because nobody gives a fuck

about the prelims in boxing

that’s one of the beautiful things

about the ufc

yeah you get a ufc card

you’re not just getting the main event

you’re getting

a fuckload of other

fights and they’re all well

matched and they’re all people you give a shit

about they’re all they’re all

exciting fights

especially the ones that actually make the air

so there’s a

bunch of shit to

watch so if the end

fight is only like 15 seconds

you know like anderson silva

and you know

james irvin or something like

bam it’s over you don’t feel ripped off you feel like

well we saw a lot of shit before we saw that you know

those tyson fights man

i’d have friends

say me i didn’t buy it the last one was 30 fucking

seconds sure

yeah man but that’s kind of how

it was an epic moment the one i missed was the one

where you lost

i saw because i was like yeah

who fucking he’s

gonna beat the shit out of this guy

busting like buster douglas was like

sixty to one

underdog or something

crazy crazy what was the

he was something nutty

right wasn’t like

thirty one or something yeah

you got that and then i remember i

watched it i

watched the tape

and i was convinced

while i was

watching the tape that he was gonna win

i’m like tyson’s

gonna win this

i was like i know he’s

gonna win i know he got

knocked out but i was

watching a fucking replay of it

and i was like she’s

gonna win this i know he’s gonna

win there’s no

big fucking joke

doesn’t make any

sense man he can’t be losing

tyson doesn’t lose

it’s important

when you’re a kid to realize that there are

human beings

that everyone’s just a

human being

cause there’s a few people that just pass that

human beings mark in your brain

you know like mike

tyson or meeting somebody meeting some

famous dude i met

ace freely when i was a little kid

and all of a

sudden he was just this dude

you know ace freely

was lead guitarist of kiss for people don’t know

and my uncle used to work in an advertising agency

and we’re in his office i’m hanging out my

uncle and all

sudden this dude walks in and it’s

ace freely and i was a huge kiss fan

i didn’t even have his

makeup on this is back when kiss wore makeup look you

know who they are is

that’s a freely i was like what the fuck you saying

i couldn’t believe the dude was

right there

and as you get

older you go oh that’s just another dude yeah

yeah say with like

kenny loggins

what’s that brian

there’s people like

kenny loggins that people

think that way

about i met

kenny loggins

pretty cool

you dance he’s the one who

plays the flute

right was he yeah

that’s uh oh

not kenny loggin

kenny g yeah

i met kenny g

i didn’t meet footloose

i meant the flute dude

does he play the

flute what does

kenny loggin play clarinet or something gay

is he the only dude to ever get that

famous from playing that instrument right

he must be a bad

motherfucker

kenny g’s like the

lance armstrong of the

flute or whatever the fuck he plays

pipe piper was pretty popular

what does kenny g play

saxophone place i

does a little bit a second

i just have a

super white guy

saxophone horrible

chorus super

white yeah super

white guy clarinet

dance again that kind of shit

it was kenny g was

giant for a while man and giant with anger people get

angry at kenny g music

you know like dudes

comics always use kenny g was an awesome

punchline if you wanted to shit on somebody

you know yeah

why is that it was the amount i

think it’s the emasculation that he represented too

so yeah great he represents

dudes married to women they don’t want

to be married to out on dates

having to go to a kenny fucking g concert

and just sitting there in shit in a world of shit

when you can be with your friends at the bar

drinking and throwing darts and talking shit and

watching sports and having fun

no no no no no no no you’re at a kenny g concert

stupid and you have a jacket on

cause she likes the way you look with jackets

i like a sport jacket

and you got your fucking sport jacket

on that’s what raised the ire

yeah you’re eating shit

that’s it that’s the end of the show

that was romantic ending it with kenny g

before we go joe i brought a gift for

oh what do you got

brian here what do you got

so you know

people kind of overlook a lot of

very legal and very cool substances that

are available

and so i brought you guys some

blue lotus oil

now as you know lotus

lotus oil was

historically

prized from

the land of the lotus eaters kind of gives you this

euphoric poppy

feeling and

that’s why it exists

in a lot of

hindu artwork right

the lotus flower so

it’s actually

you know quite it takes like a

ton of lotus oil to make this one little vial here this

might be loud as

i undo it so

well what is it

so it’s a little vial here

let me open this up here don’t they extract

like out of thousands and thousands and thousands

of loads it’s a ton

it’s an actual

ton of pedals to make 2

000 pedals 2

000 yes make that little vial

to make a little

vat and then they seem

like a little vat

so then they make this vial how

large is to oh he

dropped it yeah

how large this is

two thousand

look at this folks

so large is two thousand

petals it must be immense

well two thousand

pounds yeah i mean i mean two thousand

pounds unbelievable

so it makes it makes

like an ounce of the oil

what does it look like in a room like there’s so light

there are 2 000

petals fucking ton

so it’s very

prized so i took that

i would actually review it on my blog warriorpot us and

can come check it out

and i took it yeah how do you know

you had a third of

about about a half of a mile it kind of comes out

tough so i give it a stiff

shake is that what you you this was

and then this was

no no this is brand new this is brand new this

is brand new so this

is how it comes it comes out well i took maybe

maybe about half of that

i maybe took about half of that and

it was pretty

rad you feel

you feel very euphoric

and you know you’re

everything all your sensations feel good

and it’s not overpowering you know it’s not

something that like takes you and hit you with a hammer

but when you say i love you to your

girlfriend you really mean it

you know like listen i really mean

it all the time

do you know

like you really mean it but it’s like you really

feel it you know what i’m saying like

you feel the emotion i really feel it all the time dude

but it’s i’m

not like you man i’m a problem

with some crazy

dreams i dreamed i was like like a

never dreamed i

dreamed i was a

vampire playing

basketball just

throwing shots back like i

steam out from

underneath the

basket and just reject some dude

shaq dunk on you

thought you were a vampire

just like super

relaxing you for it like very kind of cathartic

feel like you could

still function totally

totally is very lucid and

stuff do you feel intoxicated at all or

not really you just feel like gonna

badass mood and it’s almost like the

stuff that troubles you

they go away

what about your

you are you comfortable that your reaction time

would be this i am

yeah be able to

drive yeah it

doesn’t have that kind of

artificial feeling that some of the

other opiates and

sedatives and

stuff kind of do

if you were allergic to lotus though and

oh shit i just took the most

yeah no shit

how do you even find out if you’re allergic to life

gay test do you like kenny g

yeah you can’t take the shit

and on that note that’s a perfect way to end this

thank you very much chris that was a lot of fun dude

thanks for coming out

thanks for sponsoring the podcast with the

flashlight go to

flashlight com

flashlight com pick one up and unlike we said with

brian and i both fucked him and we give him

two thumbs up

it is way better

than just jerking off i have a new segment to that bit

my my bit on the

flashlights growing very

strong anyway

thank you everybody for tuning in

i will be at

what you do

killed it i will be

there we go

i’m at the the

where is it the galaxy theater

in santa ana that’s my next gig

oh actually no i’m in london but

brian doesn’t have this up on the

the you stream page oh

you stream page change that shit so it says right um

i mean london

at the leicester square theatre but those

there’s two shows

thursday and friday of

next week but they’re sold out already

sorry bitches

you snooze you lose and then the galaxy theater

in santa ana

october 22nd

what are you playing are you

gonna say are you gonna play

def antwood or

sure die antwood

that’s my new favorite man all

the haters out there

is this die

on wood die on

wood it’s a

south african band

and it means the answer

it’s a dope band you heard these guys you know them

i like dude

they got a bunch of good shit

they got a bunch of good shit

and they got

stupid tattoos and they’re ugly as fuck i love them

good love it

tomorrow we’ll have another podcast tomorrow probably

2 to 3 p m pacific

with the lovely and talented mr duncan trussell

where we will discuss

how the ufos

are coming and the government is preparing us

we’ve got some new

important information

ladies and gentlemen

see that big rubber

alien pussy

that shit is real

and we’re gonna tell you

everything tomorrow

thank you everybody for

tuning into podcasts

as always we

appreciate it

very much and we love you bitches thank you