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Podcast
Description
Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.
Transcript
the joe rogan experience
oh
i don’t really really
really really really really really really nice clock
his name is long
it’s well huh
that’s a really
really really really really really really nice one
got a really really really really really sweet snap
stains remains in opposition to fulfills
got a really really really really really sweet treat
it sounds really distorted
that’s how the mp3 is yeah
a lot of his stuff is like that
that guy the guy who is singing that song
the guy’s name with well his
stage name is tonetta
that was weird
and he’s way weirder in real life
this song is weird but the guy’s way weirder
weirder in real life
he lives in toronto
he does not perform
but there’s a
group that performs his songs
as a representation of his songs
they put masks on and shit
wow and they perform like a tonetta show
but he’s like this weird dude
who just records these songs and these
crazy fucking
music videos
in front of like a curtain that he put over his
kitchen you know it’s like
really primitive
his lip syncing is totally off like this the
sound of the music
but for whatever
reason it’s really compelling it’s interesting
and he’s got
dozens of songs
dozens of songs are there he’s really prolific
and i don’t like a lot of it
but but a lot of it is
great so this is like a remake
of like no this
is shit this is shit
this is tonya show people just yeah
in the lives he
doesn’t perform live
he just performs in his fucking kitchen
i bought his
i mean i want
to support it so much i bought his record he is
super fat or
super thin he’s like
a gay guy from
sound to the lambs that’s what he looks like
he looks he’s
he looks there’s something i
mean i don’t know if he’s gay is it come with free open
source if he’s not gay he’s
willing to try it he just looks like talking into it
he looks like
a guy who’s seen some fucking hard parties
you know just it’s really strange
he does his um
his youtube
videos in like little tiny spandex
underwear and shit
and just that’s it
you know and
dances around and
he it just dresses like a
woman sometimes and it’s just really really strange i
watched a little bit of it it looks kind of like the
put the fucking lotion on the
basket yeah
it puts the lotion in
the basket yeah the silence
of the lamb yeah
looks like that guy yeah
he’s yeah he
i bet he uses a flashlight
um yeah we have to say that at the beginning of
every show flashlights are
sponsor of the podcast are
you sure you
still not fucked
one have you i will i don’t want to i wouldn’t
have one for you i have an addictive personality i do
too i don’t i don’t want to get into that i do too
um i think all comedians are impulsive
and have addictive personalities don’t you think
a lot of them do most of us yeah it’s not it’s not
weird to see some with the cocabit or
no any sort of weird
yeah there’s always
a compulsion
yeah compulsions
compulsions
it’s weird how
compulsions
manifest themselves how like all the
sudden like you you become obsessed with this one thing
you know it could be a game
you know it could be beating off it
could be how much i hate brian wow
really i’m right here you dick
i’m sorry it’s you on a different camera what’s the
weirdest compulsion
you’ve ever had
me yeah um i mean
beating it i guess what that’s not weird when you think
about it it’s like why do i have to keep
touching myself like a fucking it’s
weird when you’re not even
horny no it’s just like it’s time to do this now yeah
and we do this
again yeah and then
when you come it feels like nothing it’s just like okay
now i can move back to whatever
i wasn’t doing before
the only thing you get is a
sense of satisfaction i look i got hard
again look at that
three times in a row but people
party is like what the fuck is
wrong with you
man i once made a deal with myself in college to see
if i could write this
paper i wanted to stay up and
write it so i said for
every like two
hours that i
write i can jerk off
wow that’ll be my reward
and by like the
seventh time i was jerking it
it was just like
it was just
hit hurt and it was just nothing was coming out
it wasn’t even hard damn you went
seven in a day yeah
i don’t think i’ve gone more than
three in a day maybe four
seven does not
seem it’s not necessary at all but i kept i kept
thinking like it’s
going to be good at the end of those two
hours yeah but
what was coming out like barely nothing
right nothing
you’re like that dog
where he still
thinks he’s
peeing but he’s not peeing he just makes the motion
still that’s what you’re doing
yeah that’s such
a weird way to just try to like appease
a sexual obsession
just masturbating all the time
yeah i’ve hit that wall
where you’re like okay i need to
chill out a little
what am i doing
getting out of
getting out of hand well you
got like your
special bookmarks you go to your special bookmarks
i’ll definitely get a jerk off
right here to this yeah i
do you know there’s certain clips so you can
you hope whatever
porn thing is
still for free on your iphone
you think whatever’s there
you can have like certain ones like
paris this girl paris
paris sharing yeah and she gives this guy like
a lap dance this guy in a
brown paper bag
really because he
doesn’t want his
girlfriend to see
well it’s because i’m
laugh dance
then it turns it a blowjob and then turns into sex
nice she liked that one huh yeah it was good
really good
it was like mostly her the guy didn’t do anything
like a dummy
that’s what you like
right yeah that’s your move i want just a
small amount
as possible guy
yeah you don’t
want the guy
just fucking
the shit out
of her you want
her doing all
the work yeah i’d even be
willing to pan away from the insertion area for a while
just so keep it implied for like 15 20 seconds
watch her bounce up and down
yeah there’s something
about watching
a guy just fuck the shit out of a girl that’s not very
attractive yeah
it’s like you know like that’s not even you can’t
that girl’s gone she’s she the
one i don’t know is
behind the guy
behind his like
other shot yeah behind his ass his ass
on his balls and
her not no need that shot i don’t
yeah but they
spend way too much time on it
that’s what happens when you
you direct porn
you just get desensitized to what regular people
think is hot
it’s not some dude
sweaty asshole
bouncing over your face
tiny head in the
background seeing you know her
pussy and there’s no
perspective it’s hard to tell like how long his dick is
just ramming it
all right a lot of balls coming out in 3d
if you got the room
i get the meat
hey don’t uh you
you know facetime on the iphone
yeah don’t ever facetime with ari
shafir because it always
starts off like this like oh a facetime call
video call first of all she
fear oh if you
gonna say anything
about my dick
he’s lying that
is not a thing i
would ever do yeah
right you have pulled
your dick out on numerous occasions but for comedic
effect so you’re saying you don’t do it
i do it of course he does
it’s hilarious
i can’t help it how many times do you
think your dick has been out at the comedy storm
uh it’s in the hundreds
it’s so much yeah i’ve seen it a bunch you ever worry
about closing that place down maybe
what are we getting in trouble for that no
that’s zero
no way zero worry
wow i think you what you doing is illegal
i’m pretty sure it is
we had a big like a salt that once coming
to the big dick contest
yeah it is like a salt
but at the comedy store it seems to make
sense it doesn’t seem like it’s a problem at all
doesn’t seem
like it’s yeah it just seems like yeah it’s fucking
crazy place
they had a big dick contest
this guy was like i bet i have the biggest dick
here and someone was like who else is
gonna do it we need someone else
and everyone
just turned to me was sitting there and i was like yeah
let’s do it
but they were like how we gonna tell
because we don’t have a
there’s no way to know but not hard or anything and
some girl some
points our girl was there
like no i’m
gonna blow you guys
jesus and then
judges my man
so there’s like
no neither this is on
stage oh yeah
people with
the audience yeah pj filming it with his iphone
oh my god yeah and
yeah so she
lost it for a while
tripoli’s doing play by play on the side mic
oh my god and you’re letting
this dude film it for his iphone no he’s just doing
it anyway like come on man put this away so he has
video footage yeah and then i was nowhere near
a boner at all
it was the funniest
thing i’ve ever seen she stops at one
point and looks
after she goes
baby look at me
so then i worked up with
twenty percent oh so her ego got involved i
guess yeah she want to get that dick hard she’s like
baby i can get your dick hard look at me yeah
look at me look at me but i was like this is such
ridiculous situation oh my god
like you’re gonna get
i was crying laugh
all into it yeah
oh yeah who cares you see a
socket baby you turn your left to see your friend
looking back you this far away what the fuck weird
yeah that’s you gotta be a
crazy person to whip your dick out let some
chick suck it in a room full of strangers
yeah and then the guy
um she blew the next guy for a little bit yeah he
wasn’t anywhere near one either
so ridiculous
was there anyone
like upset that what was
going on didn’t yeah probably a couple of waitresses
probably got country
wouldn’t you be
mad wouldn’t you be
upset if one of the dudes did get a hard on
just kind of
full fucking rager
how disturbing would that be
you know if he just got a rager and
started getting into it and just totally
ignored everybody else like oh yeah
oh fuck yeah oh fucking hot
bitch suck it up
and everybody be like get away get away
dude he would like
i’ll do us to the
point where we would run away from him
how are you in on this yeah how are you you’re
cool with this
this is cool you got a heart that’s a full
heart on right what the fuck
i fucking love
it bro she’s hot as fuck ain’t she yeah look at it
look what i get for her
yeah i i still a bit
about how the
the craziest
thing in porn is when
you see two dudes fuck a girl in the same hole haha
that’s like what who is looking for this
like you just doing it to show that you can do it
what do you do what do you got
producer sound
effects now word now
that’s fucking brilliant
that’s not much of a
sound effect
are those like little babies
from charlie bit me remember that old video
charlie bit me
sound effect board
those are real babies dude let’s not do this
it’s disturbing talking
about all the dick sucking makes me really hard
but the baby sound and
these are real babies bro these aren’t like fake babies
there’s someone’s kid out there
charlie it’s charlie
that’s who it is we know his name
it’s not even anonymous baby
it is charlie we know he’s from england yeah
they’re very polite over there
polite babies too
i love charlie it
makes them feel older yeah
interesting isn’t it yeah yeah but
babies in america be screaming their fucking heads off
right would be suing you don’t bite
me american babies would be suing them yeah
they would be yelling do you think
when that video really took
off the owners of that baby of charlie and his brother
do you think
they or the parents whatever they’re called the parents
walked around to the other
parents like we’re better than you probably
right yeah our kids are
clearly cute
why hasn’t that been on tosh
point o has it
i don’t know
should be right that’s a perfect one for him
all grown up
somebody knows daniel tosh we know when we see him
but i don’t know him enough to
i’m not gonna suggest anything to him
i think you
should do it
so somebody
tweet him myspace
great idea myspace
i’m in myspace
i’m about to
knock it down i just took over all my
old blogs yeah me too now
i’m about to just say
goodbye then somebody at the ice
house last weekend was like
yeah follow your updates on myspace i was like ha ha
oh you’re serious
it’s weird right yeah
it’s a it’s a
weird feeling like it’s a
trend like why
wouldn’t we use it it
still is a giant resource so
nobody’s there on it there’s
still people on it but for whatever reason it feels
tainted it’s like a
ghost town a lot more
people are not on it than are on it so it’s just a
bunch of empty dead soul of my city a club
once is a shoe
it’s not glittery
anymore what’s made it like that how’d that happen
the one was slightly more usable
spam spam spam
spam and it was just
going to people’s pages and have them
crash your page or just that was
crazy i mean it was just like a mess
so far something was
a coating or whatever was
yeah significantly
because they were allowed to get all these different
things from different sources you know
you could have a
video that was linked from one website and a
photo from other websites 40 things
are running as soon as you load up
yeah it’s like an old windows 95 program it was
crashing all the time tom
especially on safari
i don’t think you had to
say fuck tom yeah what the fuck he gave
you that he had nothing to do
about it we were all thinking it
isn’t an interesting thing though that that’s what the
that’s what these guys like google and facebook and
myspace that’s what they’re
doing now they come up with something that’s free
and they figure out
what a way to sell it and make billions it’s
annoying us
anyway facebook just a side
advertisements you get
those annoying
those annoy me but not enough to like not go
which is like
how can i i don’t
wanna constantly see
these ads for comedy
classes they
creep me out dude when they’re
about what i’m yeah they’re all
about what you’re doing yeah
yeah they have only ads for comedy
classes jujutsu and if i’m if i’m in another state
suddenly those
things come up yeah yeah
yeah it’s like how do you know
bitch what you know
where i am and what i’m into
yeah they’re giving you
suggestions
catered on where your
where your location is
and what you’ve looked for and what you’ve talked
about in your emails
that’s so strange i mean
for my marketing
standpoint it’s like yeah
target me i guess i just wish it was better like i
could be like i’m
never ever gonna take a comedy class yeah stop that
what can they
get it from now i know they get it from google
searches interests
but what did they get it from emails yet
because i said that i don’t know if that’s
totally true
if you write an email
about certain subjects do
they you’re
anonymously
meaning you’re
not connected to you at all you’re connected to a
random number that has nothing to do with you but
yeah your statistics are sold
that’s why you get free gmail
you know that’s why you can
sit like that
but like what i’m saying like say if
i made you an email
where i talked
about belt buckles
would i start getting little ads for belt buckles
yeah yeah yeah
on while you’re
checking your gmail not
in your inbox
but like on the side of your gmail
right right
but based on
the yeah yeah
it takes it from your words in your email
that’s why like if you
when you upload a
video to youtube nowadays they have a
voice translator that listens to the video
and then deciphers
the words in the video
and then sells it
based on those words so like i did a
video the other day
called something forensic files or something like that
and then when you watch the
video it’s like
become a forensic scientist
on my youtube like an ad pops up
and i’m like what
that’s crazy you know
from your emails man
so they’re taking
audio from youtube
clips now so now but then that means they’re
gonna start
using it to
catch people
that are doing
crimes right
oh yeah for sure
they would have
one of the one of the
groups that’ll
buy that information
will be you know one one is
the advertisers and another
be the government just like oh let’s make sure yeah
which is sort of like i’m okay with it but it’s like
it’s just we’re
gonna be more
annoying to have to like you can’t
email your friends
about drugs
yeah well eventually
you’re gonna
pass people by doing that well i mean eventually
because you’re not connected to that number that’s like
anonymous searching so they’re not gonna be
the fbi is not
gonna be able to use google
analystics or whatever to try to
track you down by any
they’re not are you sure i
mean they probably can’t do it
i don’t know what google’s policy is
on giving up information or how they work that
they’re pretty
good about not doing that there’s
some terrorist dude and they’re following him and
you know do they just give up the information
to the cia and let the cia just read all the
emails it makes
sense right yeah they
probably do it whatever they want right
doesn’t someone
bin laden have a twitter
uh no maybe you
should start his twitter
he’s probably got a fake
twitter you
should totally do that if he’s hush
you can find me haha
i like i like some of
those fake ones you guys follow
fake ones i’d like like
jesus christ or i
just a while
i take him off yeah
cobra commander is good
i’m following batman
right now yeah
he’s not bad
twitter is amazing it’s such a fun little
party dude it’s
crazy that my tv twitter’s now like the
things like that
are like twittering my samsung has like this
thing where
you have this one to pop up that just shows twitter and
stuff like that
that’s crazy
so you just
keep it on like when you’re in your living room or
something like that right wow
the fucking interface is closing in yeah
it’s closing in
it’s when is the first dude
gonna get a
crazy neural implant or something
tomorrow tomorrow
someone’s gonna have to dive in right yeah
so um did you hear
about this kid that sent an email to the white house
and now i can’t get into america fucking for life
seventeen year old kid he’s drunk
or something i
think he was drunk
sends an email to the white house
and he’s like fuck you
obama you’re a cunt
and he can’t get into america
yeah and how do you get the
white house is it just the white house i think you just
email the white house yeah they have just
email and that’s the first one they’ve gotten
nothing tons of american to do that but this one
they’re making a big deal out of cause why seventeen
and because they said that because of this he can
never enter the country again that’s why i mean why
why should we should find out what exactly
and see if we
can find it man find out what the kid said exactly
cause i don’t even
think it was like a really extreme thing
i think he called him a pussy
or a punk but that has
to happen like 50 times a day
well you would
think so but no
i think it’s
super illegal
let’s write one right now
and if you’re from another country
you know this guy’s from england
they can just decide that you let’s
run to a bomb
right now but all in your window
like i hope nothing
happens to you
things like that
right you you
still have my respect wink wink
is your cock as delicious as i
think it would be
would that be a terrible thing to say to him
no if you were
treating him like a real friend do you
think that the public could
imagine if we found that
obama was gay
and then he has kids and he loves his wife and
everything but really he’s gay and
you know just procreated with a woman
would people be able to hang with that no no right no
no most people not but i think it
would go a long way to making a lot more people um uh
sexually tolerant towards gays you know what
it is there’s so many straight people that are worried
about losing people to team gay
yeah that’s what it is
it’s like there’s
if there was also in a gay president
yeah the the straight people who are on team straight
would think they
would lose a lot of dudes who are on the fence
yeah they’ll just
fucking presidents get it
start sucking dick i don’t
want american yeah they know how
gullible people are it
might start a
giant trend you
think that’s what they think i
think that’s what they’re
worried about i
think that’s what they’re
worried about
i think if you expose the fact that
obama was gay
there’s like a
whole conspiracy this i have not read into it
it seems pretty ridiculous
well there’s that conspiracy but there’s the gay
lover conspiracy
this one obama
is a gay lover
yes there’s a guy
yes there’s a guy who has
youtube clips go look it up
larry something
obama’s gay
lover let’s
listen to this guy talk
i’m not joking you
think i’m joking
this guy has like a
bunch of youtube clips and he did
like a public
press conference
the way we talked
about how obama
and him had oral sex and
oh he said he’s the one who did it yeah yeah
the the best
thing is that people will read a headline
and then say oh no i heard
obama has a gay lover
they don’t know that this is a
story about just some cook and no one
respect it at all
and this is the headline gets out the same way these
birth are people going got
going well it’s so there’s no
proof of this is all there’s no question people
they argue like it’s a game
it’s just like they’re playing
catch you know
or you know they’re trying to
throw the ball harder
i mean that’s how they did
how about that guy
at the show
hold that for a
second hold that for a
second brian
there was a guy at the show that was
he was yelling
i was talking about stephen hawkings like someone was
asking about stephen hawkings
and he goes
did you hear did you hear
stephen hawking said that there
could not be a universe without god
he like yelled it out like to tell me you know you’re
which is exactly
not what stephen hawking said
what he said was
that there is it’s possible for the universe to
exist without god just based on the law of physics
doesn’t mean there is a god or isn’t
the opposite of where this guy seems exactly
but this guy was yelling it he was
standing up and also so what a fucking stephen
hawking decided that yeah
it’s just going on
a theory it’s an idea i mean he doesn’t know i mean
it’s we’re talking about
giant fucking questions here
but so anyway this guy is the guy who says that he’s
obama’s gay lover
and he did a press conference and
it’s it’s kind of interesting man
i mean it’s interesting that if the guys
lying that they can’t just lock him up because that
sounds like he’s a fucking
kook and he’s a danger to society remember his name
larry something or another
i think it’s
larry hackman
pretty sure if you have to
larry hackman you’ll see it’s a
southern guy
from dallas what percentage do you think of like
those old school
movie stars were gay
oh cause i think considerably
higher percentage because here’s why
one they had that effective voice
mr sinclair
can you explain why if this incident happened
1999 you waited
until 2007 or
2008 to come forward
it’s a question of credibility sir
why didn’t you come forward back in 1999 or 2000
i’m on number one
in 1999 i really didn’t care whether he was a senator
from illinois
or not to be
honest with you i wasn’t a resident of illinois
as far as whites ever
gayest voice ever
i was living in mexico up until 2006
it really was of no interest to me
i know plenty
of politicians both locally and internationally that
you know who he was
speaking before
um i don’t know but it looks like fucking
some congress type wall shit i know
where is he talking
brian it’s the
house of faggotry
i never thought proof how this
place is a real
place financial support for your efforts from anyone
and if so does
any of those people have
connections to the republican party
i’m glad you
asked that question
number one i am not connected with any
party republican independent
libertarian
democratic nun
nor or anybody
that are contributing
to the cost and the expense of this
every penny
that has gone to pay for this
press conference
my travel expenses
have come from average american
citizens most of them actually
according to their own
statements are
declared independence
in the psalms of
from 12 dollars and 31
cents to 100 dollars each
he’s so loony
but that he’s gay is not up for debate
that part of his
story i believe
what is very tossed
on media and what role do they have in this
renting this
venue in the camera crew and back
the media company you just requested what is it
it’s exactly what i just answered this gentleman
it represents
every individual person it’s not a company
in all honesty
it was established as an
email address when i arrived here for the
democratic national committees by laws
and by laws
okay i did i did
okay it’s not a company it
is fruit cakes knowing the shit out of me
so what’s what
get to the part where he says he had sex with barack
obama please
yeah he’s very verbose
he goes into detail about their sexual encounters
what kind of
graphic detail yeah
not too graphic not like what you’re looking for
that that’s you know
i want specific instructions about lube
and i was like cradle my balls i was like oh shit bitch
felt him quiver
why would he be
introduced by his true name to you and you
would know that he was a politician
over the years how did you realize that it was him
i mean because if
he’s going to engage in sex and drug
taken and he’s
a renowned politician in chicago it’s certainly
a little bit strange that
they give you his real name through a
limo driver i mean that
story doesn’t make a lot of
sense to me and how
would you remember for 10 years
years when you
leave the way and and then record nice
thing that’s
ten times more awesome because that dude’s accent
okay first of all yes he was
introduced to me by name
okay he was
introduced to me as barack obama
and as far as me not knowing
that he was politician locally i wasn’t a resident
i was not a resident of illinois
when i became
aware of exactly who he was
was when he gave the keynote
speech at the
democratic national convention
in 2004 while i was living in mexico
watching it on sky tv
bam suck on that mexican oh
no i did not say that i told you he was in
fact introduced to me by name
i have always stated that he was
introduced to me as barack obama
why do they get into all this
nitpicking detail
stuff because they want to just
catch the stories immediately
they wanna make sure that
like hold on
we got a lot of questions see how much he’s lying
about yeah and if he wants to like
answer all the questions
you know alright so listening to that if you had a
guess if you had a bet if you went to
vegas and they have the odds up yeah
would you bet
would you bet that guy’s telling the
truth or obama
you have to give me odds
absolutely not
depending on the odds
totally fake it was like two to one
two to one no no
you give me
two to one i
would not take the italian truth
if you gave me like
five five thousand to one
oh really that
would be enough to get me to bet
like a solid hundred dollars
he might have government gate
our bonkers
on a bombing
there’s some
crazy bets like that we just gotta go
you know what
maybe fucking you
never know he
doesn’t seem
gay at all he
wouldn’t be like one of
the guys i’d be like no way so it’s like all right
he’s got government gaydar blockers
it’s it’s enough to take a five thousand to one shot
i have a friend
and her um dad’s friend was in the cia
and they they were
friends with
secret service dudes and
they talk about
like presidents and what presidents were into and
presidents cheated on
their wives
and probably all of them
right yes that’s they say they
say all of them and they all did it very discreetly
discreetly yeah
carter didn’t
carter was like really
faithful and into it
who knows who
these guys are you know what
there had to be a
super christian who just did it
this is i mean this is all just bullshit
yeah just someone
talking who the fuck knows if he’s telling the truth
he said but
the one thing
that they all talked
about all the
secret service guys was
about how clinton
would just whip out his dick
really like
he was just so crazy
you couldn’t
leave him alone with a
chick because he
would just try to fuck him
in like bathrooms and shit he
would try to
get him to suck his dick in bathrooms really
yeah yeah he was a lokester
of course he’s just a man
yeah of course once he
gets like four
or five girls to do that he’d be like oh my i
could just do this i
think he’s a wild man he’s a rock star
he was like a woods yeah he was like a rock star
he just that’s what it is he just get there with
he was the president it was just too much
he thought they were willing to keep
their mouth shut but
women like men with
power right that’s like a
thing people know
he has the most power
he was the strangest president of all time
to be in a president getting caught getting a blowjob
while you’re the president
wow and then the fact that
they made such a big
deal out of it
chased it down and
impeachment hearings that was weird
was like why are we oh
he lied about it
why who wouldn’t lie
about in the fact
that i really
loved him as a president
it’s so weird that we
would go so
deep into his personal life like that i loved it
i think he was
great i think was one of the best presents we had in a
while well he was
he he was an egomaniac
they’re all
ego maniacs
but he was a very bright man that’s for sure he was a
great speaker
it’s just so hard to tell when you talk
about who’s a good president who’s a bad president
it’s so hard to tell what that even means i i
i don’t know how much they have to do with what happens
i think if nine one one happened on his clock
you know what
would happen to him as you know
stuff like that then you
open up a whole big fat can of alex
jones right there
right there
ladies and gentlemen
the reason why this is all happened this is all
pre planned out by the government this is
they’ve been doing this
since hitler burned the
right stag since
since nero burned rome
i want to auto tune alex jones you should
occam nobody has
oh i’m sure they have
you just realized like oh they definitely
have they definitely have they’ve auto tuned everything
it’s a pretty fascinating little piece of equipment
we just accept it
but it makes like shit that’s not even a song a song
really does you know
i mean you can really make someone
sound like they’re singing a fucking song
it was like ten or
twelve years ago no what did he have was like a hit
really yeah they put some of his stand up
to to so his boss lureman i think
oh and they put it to music yeah he plays the
music yeah that’s right how long was that
maybe more now maybe like
maybe like 12 12 years ago 12 12 to 15 years ago jesus
15 years ago
every now and then you get like one of those
those things remember before youtube
they had that one
song that was really just like a motivational
speech to like her
class yeah that that was buzz lureman
yeah and then this was
the same guy
yeah that was he had a song on the
romeo and juliet soundtrack
the same guy really yeah
yeah i remember that like live in
northern california but
leave before it makes it too soft
yeah yeah yeah yeah that kind of short
live in new york but
leave before it makes it too hard yeah yeah
it was kind of weird
every time i came on i remember listening to it and
think it was super deep
if i was like seventeen then i was like fucking
what are you doing brian
alex james autotune but i don’t think it’s really it
oh no yeah um that that
that was a cool fucking song i love when they do that
every now and then someone comes along with a good like
motivational song
you know you don’t
get them very often anymore no
fuck your motivation yeah
dad that’s not really in there right now
the motivational song rocking it that way anymore
you gotta get your motivation online son
do you guys see piranha 3d
fuck yes did we already talk about that i think we did
we had to have
i heard all
about it heard all about it what do you guys think
about that other 3d one that just opened up
shit what is it
just open friday
with resident evil
three oh that looks like it’d be fun that looks like it
might be an okay
three d one but honestly i’m so fucked by these asshole
movie people
that i don’t trust the three d anymore
that mila georgia
which is hot as
i guess that resident evil 3
that resident evil 3
i guess that movie was like the
second movie ever that was made
like are they really saying that like for real
yeah maybe i’ll go see it
and they said that it
would take like this camera could only film for like 20
seconds at a
time or something like that and they had to do like
whole scenes like
really big chunks
crazy 3d yeah like the avatar
i haven’t heard anything
about previews look pretty dope
cause now whenever i see one it’s
gonna be it’s like fuck
it’s every time i go it’s like alright
it’s almost like not
worth it to have the
glasses on your face the whole time
right yeah there was one
point in time when i was
watching piranha
where i took the
glasses off just out of instinct
and like these are annoying
yeah i just and then i said that it’s not as good shit
and i put them back on
i thought i could just
watch it blurry and be fine
no it’s too blurry it’s too blurry i want to like take
glass up i go to normal
that would suck yeah
yeah piranha
three d was fun for that though the graphics
that they’re they’re getting pretty good at the three d
effects like what they can do
jack jack has three d
might be pretty good you think
yeah i mean
they might they
might use it
make me too uncomfortable
i love them so
much dudes are always hurting themselves
god it’s the
greatest thing ever
i wonder how many concussions
those dudes have gotten
probably a few
seriously man
like the one
where johnny knoxville let that fucking bowl
slam them uh huh
he’s crazy there’s more bowls than this one
he stood in
front of a bowl with a
blindfold on that dude’s out of his mind
dude i’m so close to
death that so many times like you
would have died
right there
that easily
could have been a rap
bull he stood in
front of a bull
i remember right
after he became like a
movie star like he just done some
first movie or something
and people were like oh it was johnny knox it was
like a star so he did the second one
and they shot them with
either paint guns just straight to
their chest
or just those
stun guns then
it just goes boom and explodes on them they
should like a
bunch of marbles or something something crazy
right and i was like oh fuck is he got
knocked over and he goes
how’s the face face okay all
right we’re good
that’s it it
just bruises
everywhere in his body
i almost barf during that
second movie
i was laughing so hard i almost
threw up the one with the asshole
shut something up the ass what was it that was the
first one enema
was it the first it was the
yeah was it
the mattel like what’s it called cars little
mini toy car
so hard to walk in
a condom up his asshole
and he had to go and go i’m sore
doc can you take an x ray
it’s so hard to watch
one person getting
jacked for everybody else’s amusement
but it’s a very specific type of
entertainment
you know and then i’ll have
these great
drawn out like
plotty stuff like
these weird
things that
really elaborate
other times i’ll be sitting around
talking and just see somebody come from behind just
punch somebody in the head
like that’s it and then everybody
laughs so dumb
or shave his hair
you guys didn’t see the mtv
music awards last
night right no
oh shit they have some jackass
stuff on there
so you know the
taylor taylor
swift thing
the taylor swift girl when
yeah she’s the girl that was on
stage receiving the award
kanye west got on
stage took the
microphone away from her
and actually interrupted her
so i got to say something
yeah it was beyonce deserves this
shit the worst
version of ego
like i think i’ve ever seen at one of
those things that his opinion
would be so important
right then in
front of all
those people
that he would interrupt this
girl winning the most important award of her career
to say that someone else had a
great video too and it’s like
it has a great video
what are you
fighting for
right now like that’s your world
one of the best of all time
the best of
all time and meanwhile i know all the art facts will
fucking disagree with me but i didn’t even
think it was that great
the beyonce video yeah
it was a bunch of
cuts if it was one shot i
could see it
but it wasn’t so it’s a
bunch of cuts
and her thighs look big
so like whatever
she was on last
night and it
starts off showing
that clip of what happened with her and
kanye who was on
taylor swift
on the video
music awards
and it’s like doing like
static and it’s showing parts of it and then it has her
in it like a guitar
singing this
whole sad song
about the whole
thing and it’s just like no
she wrote a song
about it yes and you
it’s like a horrible
fucking song
oh you play that song here we go
play that song please
oh my goodness
they’re guarded and private
so it’s rare
when one lets us inside
their inner world
taylor swift is
different oh my god
there’s this
thing that people
do when they’re bullshitting like this
where it sounds like that
early this year
for upcoming stop
pause it for a
second there’s a there’s a like a language
that people use when they’re totally bullshitting
that sounds like this
she was raised in a small town
you know there’s like this singing song
you know they’re just gonna
this is not accurate
what i’m saying
right now is just show business
this it’s just
i’m reading
this off a cue card and trying to remote as best as
i know how exactly i’m just trying to get everybody
excited and you know
those cheers are coming the woos are coming
she is two thousand
tens number one
hottie of the year
and we all think
look at those freckles
what is it about that way of talking what is it
about that that
weird sing songy way of talking
you know it’s like we have a
bunch of different ways that will accept people talking
one of them is like political speech
you know when someone gets on
stage and starts talking
about al qaeda
you know we will
find the enemy
we will root them out we will take them out
you know there’s
like this sort of a political way of talking
where they pause for claps
dj a strip club
what yeah there’s another
when you’re doing that it’s like
why do they have to settle into one certain
way of speaking off and
yeah same way too there’s like a
bunch of different
family behavior
was that your family talking at dinner
oh that was a
you know it’s like
sports guys
here we are bottom of the
ninth you know they have a certain
you know it’s like there’s a bunch of different ones
strip club ditch
djs is a really good one eat on
stage that one is
national man that goes everywhere it goes
same everywhere
yeah southern northern
michigan florida
same shit reporters too like on news or yes
like radio news and
stuff like that yeah
and comics a lot of
comics you know
especially in the
early days there’s a lot of comics
but 80’s comics
sounded like a certain way charlie chaplin
no not that
early there was some guys in the 80s that just got good
at doing the comedy
voice and really
never were good at comedy
but they somehow
never made a living as a comedian saying obvious
shit with the comedy voice
just really good at that comedy
voice i suppose
i’m supposed to be the one to figure this out
what is this
what is this a puzzle here
i’m supposed to i talk
about paul riser talking
about there’s a
bunch of dudes like that
writes itself yeah
yeah there was a
bunch of dudes like that
they were always the
strong advocates of the
clean only comedy as well
clean only you know what now
just right now i sort
of get it it’s like they want to get ahead
let’s just try to pretend to
limit it to
just only us is acceptable
that we will root out
at least half
of the fucking competition
and all the good ones yeah or all the people that are
gonna come over and try to be
clean they’re not
gonna be really honest so it’s like
they’re not to be
worried about
so many comics or haters that’s a
great move yeah
so many comics are haters i
guess that’s a lot of what the
clean comedy
thing is when i telling guys to not be dirty
what people don’t need
what people need to realize
especially comics need to remember if you’re
like 35 or something
like that you’re talking to some 21 year old open micer
telling him he’s talking
about sex too much and
swearing too much
guess what that’s what that guy’s thinking
about that’s all he’s thinking
about always
think what he’s
thinking about
pussy and when the next
ufc is and playing call of duty when he gets off work
he’s fucking 21
you know what
nobody ever told me when i was trying to do
clean for like a while
so i could do this one
clean show every couple weeks
there was like
someone should pull me aside like ari
you don’t you talk
about politics too much just stop it’s annoying
like nobody cares you were
talking about politics whatever it was i was talking
about cleaning
stuff too much whatever was in the news and was like
someone should have pulled me aside there and said stop
well that’s you know you just trying to
learn your voice
you know you
never know what i you know i
tried that but that’s not saying but
if you’re being dirty
learn it that way
yeah you know and ari’s
voice is dicks and assholes
but you had to
find out that that was your
voice on stage
you know you had to perform a lot
and figure out
what’s the most fun for you what makes you comfortable
and it’s not
limited either
you know that’s the thing
about comedy it’s like you
could talk about
clean shit on
stage too but
when you do
limit yourself you don’t ever
limit yourself like well i’ll
never do another
clean joke again
nobody ever does that
but you do say you know i’m done with this
dirty material it’s time to
clean up my act and make it family friendly puppies and
happy nothing
wrong with puppies and
happy man but you can’t
limit your fucking thoughts that’s
annoying it’s
annoying you fuck it up for everybody
when you hear the rest of this oh yeah let’s go
speak now performing it for the
first time ever
taylor swift oh christ
i love our high tech equipment oh no she’s playing
i always dreamed about what it would be like to
maybe win one of these someday but i
never actually thought that would have happened
he looks like
godzilla little me godzilla coming up to her
sasquatch footage
that’s like the
thing from poggy creek
oh my god she wrote a song
about it and then showed the video first dude
touch your dick while the songs aren’t
um no i think it’s illegal how old is she
by the way i’m just gonna go on the records
now i already like this she’s like 16
oh
i can hear all the words she’s pretty
fuck it i like this i don’t care what you guys say
i like it so far yeah listen to the lyrics
wait hold on for a second no no let it play let it play
i can’t understand
i can’t understand her i can hear her
i have no idea what this bitch is talking
about what i’m saying
you can’t understand any of this
it’s not an
understanding one out of five words and
it’s all metaphor and poetry
yeah well no i understand all the words but it
doesn’t mean anything she’s saying
peanut butter sandwiches on the moon
space bananas
going through your bloodstream
she’s just speaking shit up she’s on her period joe
leave her alone i want to see the
lyrics i want to see what the lyrics are
they’ll hurt your
brain they will hurt your
brain son i don’t mind this
she’s just a kid and she was fucking rocked by that
thing whatever
i like her voice though it’s beautiful
and then kanye did one also
about like oh no he didn’t yeah
and it’s even worse get the fuck out of here
how could it be worse
he’s tried to be all fancy like using this
machine and it just wasn’t a good song oh my god
so that’s how they’re dealing with this
issue by the year later they’re making both of them
go is a year later they probably
planned it from the beginning was it here yeah yeah
last year by the way let me just tell you this
that’s not a coincidence that
those both did songs like that
right the vmas reached out and told them
why don’t you guys both do a song about this
oh obviously we
all contrived
but was it made a year
before it even happened or a year after
so strange that this is what we fixate on
but it is fascinating and here i am watching it
she’s sad right there oh she’s so pretty
this song sucks though
i know it does suck so all our songs suck
she plays teeny bopper
music no they don’t all suck she plays
music for 15 year olds this is a boring ass song
i’ve heard her
stuff it’s just boring it’s shitty top 40
music it’s fine but
it’s for kids if more than
10 people know
about the band ari doesn’t like it
all her stuff
sucks i mean just calm down in a couple notches
man it’s okay
all right i won’t
get it she’s
just a little kid she’s just a little girl ari
that’s what i’m saying
do you like
chick songs
yeah i love
chick songs i do i love
chick i love
sarah mclaughlin
love cheryl crow
like really good
chick singers
yeah you know
they achieve like harmonies and a show called that
first album
the cheryl crow
album first one
first ones good
second ones better
second one’s really good
and the second one i had to
share this fuck
dream recently
where i really thought i was having sex
with her and i
went back into the
dream and continued to have sex
with her with her
now or with her then it seemed like
cover of her album
that’s what she looked like
even then did she have she was like
like almost forty
it was like i don’t even know she
yeah she was fairly old when she
first she had
boobs real she had boobs
she gets skinnier
and lose her boobs
didn’t she get like
boob cancer
or something like that whoa
did she did she i don’t know you just making that up i
might be you better make yeah i
think she was
dating a guy
testicular cancer
yeah is it brian just connects cancer together
oh she’s fucking sick to probably
but with the guy she
was dating by the way i’ve been reading this article
shouldn’t forget what
magazine it is but it’s
an article on
lance armstrong
maybe it’s gq one of
those about
whether or not they’re
gonna bust him
like they’re going
after him oh yeah
she has spread she had breast cancer
she did yeah she also opened a breast cancer center
and if you just google cheryl crow
booby titty
is that what you did
it goes right to
wrong with you boy
did your google
image that or did your google
video i wanted to see
video of her boots
they’re going
after him man
they’re going
the same guys that went after
barry bonds
they’re going after him
barry bonds lie in
front of congress yeah
diddy or did
mark mcgwire
lie in front of congress did
barry bonds lie in
front of congress too
no mark mcgwire
just said i’ll take the
faith or i’ll tell you what i did
didn’t mark maguire
he didn’t lie
roger clemens went in front of
roger clemens
thank you no
mark maguire
he’s in trouble because
they said when you have immunity come and tell us
right now so he goes yes i use all
these steroids
fuck and well now i’ll
never be in the hall of fame i
think that’s what happened there
maybe it was
maybe it was
jason giombi who did that
when jose canseco came out with that requires i
think i think he said i take the
fifth yeah and it was all true
can say go yeah
but the crazy
thing is that
can say go rat
and everybody out everybody’s like what you do you know
that the system that was in
place is the reason
why you got so good the reason why you got so rich and
famous and successful and
why do you have to
is it really that important to tell everybody
jock talk people can’t handle the
truth can’t
take a jock
talk jock talk
well this isn’t really jock talk
brian this is talking
about steroids and i’m just
it’s talking
about i want to
i wonder how many
you know what is the percentage of
elite athletes that are on performance
enhancing substances like that
i think all on some
stuff it’s i
think so because any something
i know they’re on
thousands of
things if it’s not vitamins and fucking supplements
supplements they just go a little further
other than people probably get really into that shit
it’s a funny
thing that people are so
upset about it
you know like they’re like
lance armstrong
dude all right
professional
the lance armstrong
thing for for whatever reason is like
extra disturbing to people
because he seems like this humble hard working guy
and you know this
this you know
rugged dude just goes out there as an american
beats the fucking
world cyclists at
their own game wins over and over and over
again he’s like the icon of american
dominance in you know in that kind of racing
yeah to find out that guys
on some shit
but apparently they’re all on some shit if
you talk to anybody that knows anybody that’s a cycler
it’s like my
other theories
about gay and
about and about like anorexic like if they
super look like
they are if everyone’s can be accused them constantly
it’s like then they are
you know yeah i
think they all have to i
think in order to be able to do that fucking tour de
france type shit
he said i’ve
never i’ve never
i’ve been tested many times i
never come up anything weird
yeah he’s never
i’ve always said i’ve
never taken this
i wonder if there’s a way to beat
every test you know
i mean who the fuck knows
it could very well be there’s a
bunch of haters and this dude who’s
ratting them out just
sucks for him that
lance armstrong is a genetic freak
you know and he’s the only one
who had natural
why do you know who the racer is yeah
he he bicycles
got the banks
oh son yeah it’s
on because he
bicycle like it’s not even a
sport that even
here i know
worship it up
this guy i know is like worships him
lance armstrong
brilliant yeah
he’s like has the bracelet on and he’s just the biggest
lance like i’m like really wow he’s
a he bike guy right
well you know it’s a very difficult
thing i get
into it it’s like
you overcame cancer
in one but it’s like what am i even looking at why
would you hear what chelsea
said what chelsea
and did this interview and he said look
lance armstrong
cheated lance armstrong got cancer
because lance armstrong took her
said all this crazy shit
and then when they called him on it
he said i did not say that i’ve
never spoken
of lance armstrong
so then jim rome
plays him back to fucking tape
and chill says well i don’t know
maybe it was my
connection that
doesn’t sound like me at all that guy
sounded hispanic
i love that guy
yes i’m great
dude he’s the funniest fucking guy in
sports by far
the ufc wanted him to win so badly oh
well they’re giving him another shot man they’re
gonna do it again
i’m doing a he’s doing a q and a in austin
he’s gonna do many of the q’s on his own i bet
fuck yeah he’s gonna do a dozen q amp a’s
he’s the master they can’t fuck with them
he’s like a politician i would love to see the moment
where he’s like in his chair answering questions
just answers one is like what do you
think of so and so he goes
i think he’s gonna grab the mic and stand up
he’s gonna do that move and start pointing at people
like wish i can see that yeah yeah
he’s a he’s a bad motherfucker
he is a bad motherfucker that chill son
the interesting dude
it’s a great character you know
republican comedian
fighter badass
interesting dude
so close to winning
yeah you got you got right into that fucking
fifth round and get caught a triangle
woo what drama man
and anderson
must have been
playing possum waiting for the moment i don’t know
about that no i mean
when he was on the ground the last
round it looked like i mean
i mean he obviously i mean i’m not saying
that he was waiting for that moment he knew it was
gonna happen i mean
chair was beating
the shit out of him taking him down at will yeah
it was a tough
fight for him but in that
final round
man he just picked his spot perfect it did he knew
right when to slap it on and at a
speed that sun and didn’t you know like you get
used to when both guys are
tired you get used to moving at a certain pace
and then he just
waited for his opening
was only moving at a certain pace almost like he’s
given up and
slaps it on
and there’s no waiting is immediately
wailing on his head i
guess he couldn’t
even know how
much time was left but yeah he slapped that fucking
thing on tight
to he got the arm involved as well
triangle with the arm
it’s brian’s favorite i love it
i love it i love it how did you know that joe
would you read my
dream diary
going to austin
texas tomorrow
fella i’m not
going you’re not
going if it’s
true should
schedule the end
are you ours not
going either
who you talking to you i was gonna say
what i was i was gonna say
that that’s where you
wanna live oh yeah yeah yeah totally
i’d totally want to live in austin man
just imagine living near alex
jones and like
going to a hummingbird farm you
wanna be good on that address
that’s like a stray cat bro he has a
no he has a
stamp collection i
guess that it’s just magnificent
stamp collections
he has like a room devoted to
stamps and really he like holds up like magnifying
glasses and he has like all these like
like there’s like
stamps that are more rare than
other because
like there’s like a little sea on it or something he’s
crazy but i like that guy
i i enjoy hanging out with him
and he’s crazy but he’s a fun crazy nice
he’s always been nice to me
and you know what he’s right
about a lot of shit i don’t know if he’s
right about
everything have you ever
asked him to
write you into a conspiracy
he doesn’t write them well
they’re out there man they’re in the ether
he just picks up on them
he’s never he’s
never orchestrated he’s like a
hound dog for the truth yeah
he he’s just
constantly online constantly doing research
looking into these
new world order scum
they want to come here and take away your
rights take away your guns take away
jesus it’s like
he’s constantly doing book reports
all day long
he’s problem solving but he’s a good guy
like when you’re
hanging around with him he’s a good guy
he’s very entertaining to me
and he’s got balls man he
doesn’t give a fuck he’ll get arrested eat meat
drink booze
yeah if he had a talking dog and a
flashlight that
would be awesome
and i’m not saying that i ever got high with him
what’d i say forget
it you did say that
why would you
i like hanging out with him he’s a good dude
i like alex jones
people think he’s
crazy but i
think the world needs some
crazy people it makes
things more interesting
is it a lot of fear mongering
yeah i was sure maybe
maybe we don’t have enough fear mongering
maybe we are
maybe we’re too complacent
maybe we’re
not paying attention enough and guys like him are
important whether they’re over the top or not and he
might very well be but
but maybe not but maybe not
look at the fucking
worst case examples of the
world all the
nutty shit that people have done out there
you know it’s very possible that he’s
right about way more than we want to admit
he is the coolest guy in the whole
world though that’s the truth
coolest guy in the
whole world yeah really
better than ari
i thought you were
i thought you were coolest guy in the
whole world
that’s like a list of 10 people you can do
what is that japanese writing on your
shirt do you know what it means oh yeah this is mc
chris shirt and what’s so funny is that this
asian girl came up to me and was just like oh let me
read oh that’s hilarious i’m like what’s it mean is
this fuck you fuck face does it
yeah it says fuck you fuck face
wow so you’re walking around all day with this
making asian women cry
crazy eyeballed kid what is with
his eyeball that’s mc chris
anime has got the right but why
is he supposed to be
is that what it is
light reflections in his eyeballs or is he
he’s fucked up
he’s high yeah that’s what i thought he
reaches weed off me all the time
oh he mooches
what what did you
say i’m just kidding
do you ever get high with mc chris no
who’s the most famous
person of course i get high with mc
chris you know what i really regret
the one guy i didn’t get high with that i really regret
what coolio
cool i fucked up man
when coolio was on fear factor coolio one factor
yeah he was he
was high all and you didn’t day so why don’t you do it
they were smoking the stinky
skunky weed and i was already high when i got there
i didn’t want to get too high to do the show
so i i i did
go and i didn’t ask and i didn’t want to be
that guy either i mean he’s there with his buddies and
everything i didn’t i don’t know him that well yeah
i didn’t want to be that guy like hey i’m the host of
shows i’m gonna hang out in your
dress room you and your friends we’re gonna
smoke weed together we’re cool right
you know i mean he’s been a
famous guy for
a long time i didn’t want to impose on him
yeah but he was
super duper barbecued
every fucking day he was on the set he
would just it
would just become it was
got to be like a joke on the show really because you
would open up his
trailer door
like we’d send pas in there to go get him it’s the real
part is a cheech and chong
movie just clouds of
smoke coming out of there
and then when we
had him on the show dude he was so high he was talking
about how he’s done this and
other lives
you know what yeah
he goes i’ve done this i’ve
lived many lives i’ve done this really yeah and
other universes and yeah you
should have
puffed on with them
should have just
like all hit one
watch with you man
damn it i didn’t get high with coolio shit
i got high with
everlast i’ve gotten high with everlast a
bunch times
everlast from the
house of pain
but i got high with everlast once in a club in vegas
everlast is a gangster he
doesn’t give a fuck
he pulls out this joy he goes you want some of this
homie like dude
like fuck yeah
let’s go out he goes go out shit
he just like
to live in vegas
no i don’t believe so i believe he lives in la
so long times i’ve met him
he didn’t give a
fuck you and
people saw him smoking weed and they didn’t say shit
they just let it go
they didn’t say shit they’re like
yeah i gotta let her go
it’s everlast
do you ever get
stoned with
for hartman
no no i didn’t you getting high back then
damn no no i
never got high back then that was
that was the back yes he did that was back
then the day and i felt bad that he was getting high
so silly i was
this is in the
you know i eat
wheat grass
juice every day and exercise and i barely drink days
i used to think
until i was like in my thirties to like i
think i was
thirty or thirty one i used to
think that pot made you
stupid so that this is back in the pot made you
stupid days
right but hartman
was having a lot of problems with his wife and they
would fight a lot
and the one
thing that he
said always made it better is if he went and got high
he said if i
got high he goes then i can be more patient with her
i can talk to and i was
thinking this poor guy has to be drugged up
right in order to have a good time like how soon you
could have been getting started
fucking like on hand gliding
could have been
could be getting high with them combing each
other’s hair
so weird how anything you don’t
watch time so
you never really
been through something you just look at people like
such a shame well you know i
i knew a lot of kids when i was growing
up that were doing drugs and they all turned out to be
losers and i was
absolutely terrified of being a loser
and my entire high
school career from the time i was 15 on
i was fighting competitively in mars
large tournaments
that’s all i did
and i knew that
partying and doing
drugs and anything that i fucked up my body with it was
going to be really bad on my performance and i was
going to get hurt
i was gonna get
knocked out so i always associated
any sort of drugs anything like
pod anything that makes you lazy
that’s just
gonna you’re just
gonna get your ass kicked to be fucked with that
stuff that’s how i put it
in my head i put it in my head that it was for losers
lazy and just left it there
just left it there
even though you know phil hartman is a
multi millionaire i’m like poor guy’s gotta
smoke pot yeah
because your prequencies ideas are set
yeah but if you came to afresh
and somebody said hey and you just came to the
world where you hadn’t seen
but you’d saw
these really cool people doing it you’re like
no i’m pretty sure the cool people are doing it yeah
he never really
put it in the same perspective that
eddie bravo
did when eddie bravo
the way he put it into it was
much more that like pot is beneficial
much more like potts giving them all this positive
things and all
these ideas and enhancing his
creativity like
eddie was like really like espousing the
virtues of pot whereas
phil was more of talking
about how when he
smokes pot his life is tolerable
you know when he
smokes pot his relationship is tolerable
right you know
it was really it was really a trip because you know
if i had known back then i probably
could have got high with him all the time
had a great fucking time
we had a great time anyway
he was a really
really cool guy i did a lot of fun shit with that dude
got to he took me on his
plane he had a little plane
hey yeah yeah yeah as a little single engine
that’s a lot of
trust in someone man i’ve been in a couple of
those little tiny
planes and it’s
scary i love
that dude he was fun he was really honest like he
would talk to you
about all kinds of
crazy shit and
he was up in this
plane with me and
show me where to live like show me like good
places to live
this is good it’s like
not as populated it’s a little more
a little more property
and then over here is nice
very convenient
took me up as
planned show me
here way too many persians
haha you never said
you put words in his mouth son
but you know that was
right before um
before the end you know
it was just it was so sad
it was really you know the
weirdest thing was
um after we all went to this
sort of a memorial service
yeah and all the the cast
we all went to
a paul sims
house who is the creator of the show the producer
the executive producer
and we are all like in shock
and you know paul goes joe you know here you
you can always talk
like won’t you
say something and i said you know fuck you know
i don’t even know what to say i said he was a
great guy i
enjoyed being around him it’s like
i didn’t even
i didn’t even know what to say
everything i said just
sounds so stupid
yeah it’s like what am i saying why am i
even talking here we all just feel like shit and do we
do we even have some do we have some good stories let’s
see if we can remember some stories
you know and just but it was just like so
crazy it’s like
what is dead
his wife shot him and then she shot herself he just
he just left just gone
exited the world
and i just bang
blanked out of
existence yeah
very very strange
such a surreal feeling
i’ve had it happen a
bunch of times now
i never get it
never gets normal
yeah at least it was like a partier
you could sort of see it like us
yeah that just came out of nowhere
it’s horrible because who gets killed by
their wife so horrible it was
so horrible and you know here’s the the most horrible
thing when i
first heard the news i thought he killed her
really and then killed himself yeah i thought he hate
her so much
i just thought he couldn’t take it anymore like she
might have done something to him and he went
crazy and they they fought it out and
and then he wanted killing
oh yeah well how
about this yeah
who knows who know
i never would have
believed that he
would have done that
but when i heard the news i mean that’s what you always
assume that the man is responsible for the violence
don’t you no i’ve
dated a lot of crazies lately
well not violent ones you haven’t
we’ll talk later poor fella you need a hug yeah
it’s the most important
thing i think in any relationship
is don’t ever be around someone who likes to yell
don’t ever be
around someone who’s looking to get way more
angry than they should
if you’re into that
oh then get your
freak out son
is that what you like choke me
choke me and yell at me do it
girls at comedy clubs how many times you see that
where there’s a girl with a dude
that dude’s kind of weak
and the girl’s
super mouthy and really really like shouty
and heckily
and the reason why is
cause she’s
just not getting enough attention from this guy
and she’s decided to just zoom a
bunch on her
he’s not really working it it’s not working
it’s not there’s no
connection there
she picked him
cause he was easy and then she’s
out with them she’s not impressed so she just wants
that’s what certain people are
attractive she
wants someone to boss around he wants someone to be
to boss him around
yeah isn’t that
funny yeah they just
found themselves
yeah they just find themselves and
you know and it’s always the man that gets
crushed in those relationships
cause eventually she finds some dude is
gonna fuck her correctly and shut her
uh huh and then she calms down
cause that’s really all she needed all along
there’s girls like that right
this girls you have to fuck them hard or you’re
gonna be in arguments yeah
yeah i think i’ve met one or two
most of the time it’s the opposite
i used to date a girl who used to say that she
would get argumentative she
would get like she would like
start looking for
fights if she didn’t
think that a guy was attracted to her
you gotta fuck them so hard they
press charges no she wasn’t like that she was talking
about how she has this
weird instinct and she doesn’t know what it is but when
she feels like a guy’s
not attracted to her or a guy’s not impressed with her
she would literally
start picking on the guy
and not like
him really yeah like a fucking animal and yep
turning up from
and like looking to have arguments with him
about things
like over nothing
just because he wasn’t attracted to her
because he’s not showing the proper amount of
attraction respect
you know some dudes are so stumble over themselves well
good golly can i get you something
can i get you a drink
and when a guy’s
not like that when a guy’s like nonchalant
and treats her as an
equal just or
talks to her as if she was a man instead of a beautiful
woman you know
with all this whoa i can’t believe i’m talking to you
with all that gone you know just trying
she would she said she would get
upset at guys like that i was like wow that’s crazy
she would get
upset she wasn’t getting what she wanted
give her a sound
my laptop i think that what is your laptop doing dying
that that doesn’t sound good yeah
yeah your hard drive is getting jack son yeah so uh
is it this yeah
it’s my laptop it’s a fan
no this doesn’t have a hard drive like that it’s got a
solid state hard drive over there
wow that was a fucking awesome
entertaining 30 seconds of what’s that noise that
no one else could hear
that’s one thing
i’m addicted to by the way is what we’re talking about
earlier what pot
yeah super addicted
well yeah it’s just like you know
you get way into
things is it an
everyday thing oh yeah yeah
do you take days off
ever and wish you had it
wish i had it yeah what do you
mean do you take days off sometimes yeah but not much
no i won’t smell like
every day are he’s like
way more than
once a day oh yeah
oh yes joey
is a triple
style darling
or something wow
well i gotta say this man you’ve been really happy
like over the last couple of
months maybe it’s an increased pot
is that what it is no
cause the same people
were saying that chris pot was making me depressed so
yeah i think
you know look you you live
the life of a
comic it’s a silly life
it’s not a bad life for smoking pot all the time yeah
i wanna well
i didn’t win i came in
seventh in a poker tournament yesterday
289 people seventh
and i was high the entire time
that’s incredible
every time we had a
break every two
hours i run in my car
smoke and try to make myself cough as hard as i
could so i could like
that’s hilarious
smoke much more
what cough and get off how
many how many heads you
taken when you get when you went out there
well probably like four five like
every single
time do you eat a lot of bananas
no but then i also don’t eat much when i play cards
so i get this
super like seems like a great idea
wanna eat what seems like a great idea
to what to not
eat while you’re trying to
think and be at your best no honestly you can’t eat
because that’s the same
thing with pool players it slows down your thinking
yeah yeah i was
thinking i will eat your
bar every couple
hours maybe
if i need to some
smaller banana
when you’re in a
involved in a
heavy thinking
thing your body
starts yeah
breaking down a poker pro
said that online
once and i listened to it i was like so say what it is
well when you
have food in your stomach your body uses resources
to digest that food and that’s resources that it
could put towards thinking
i mean it’s really simple it’s like how much energy is
going towards each
individual task
like i always talk
about the isolation tank
well the reason why the isolation tank is so powerful
is your mind uses zero resources on your body
zero and you just have so much more to be able to talk
about anything
i think about even
after you eat you
start getting cold because the
blood goes away from your skin to help digest
and then it’s like you shiver
just because
you’ll be good on your own for a second
yeah have you ever made
the mistake of eating and then working out too quickly
what happens
that’s the worst
especially in jiu jitsu
like you’re
right i’ve done
that before
and you wanna
throw up and
like you have
to take a shit it’s like it’s a terrible feeling
and it’s in your stomach so
i thought i ate
three hours ago
you gotta you
gotta have an
empty stomach when you
train it’s very important tony annegoni is this up
professional pool player who’s a friend of mine they
wrote a book
about him called
playing off the rail
or david mccumber this
guy who is this
really really
great journalist and
he’s a great writer he followed
tony annegoni
all over the country
where they gambled playing it’s a
great book like
like a real like
a real hustler
story about a
guy was a real professional player just decided to just
show what it’s like to try to play
people across the country and documented by a really
great writer
but he would
when he would
do long matches he
would eat nothing
eat nothing and just drink
water yeah i
drink water or
gatorade yeah
thing and drink water
and i’m wondering too it’s like if you’re
going to eat something
if you’re not
gonna go all the way and say i’m not
gonna eat for 12
hours you know
if you’re going to eat something
there are certain
types of food that’ll make you drowsier and certain
type of food that won’t so i
wanna find out what
those types are yeah
like it was like
or nuts better than like
chips i don’t know
right yeah yeah there’s
gotta be some
stuff that’s good for your mind there’s
gotta be some
stuff that’s really
light light food like
dried fruits or something i
tried just eating a
salad at the
salad so i was like let me try that
yeah that’s not a bad
but i think
i don’t really have any idea what does it so i can
think i gotta go online and look
i’ve had salads and then worked out and been okay
no it’s not it’s not nearly
as uncomfortable as
i’ve had meat
that’s eaten
steak and then try to work out sometimes
you eat so much that you just want to go to sleep
so this one
is like oh that was
good eating depends what you eat i mean i had a nice
piece of meat last
night and i felt like i
could just run a marathon
after eating that are you
trying to else
you suck the cock is that what i’m saying
you got a nice
piece of meat
50 off steak at the grocery store yeah
1980s insult yeah
i had a nice piece of meat
it’s really really really really really sweet sweet
what kind of me was it
new york street did you cook it yourself
you feel like a fucking man
when you cook a
steak over a fire oh i love it
something about it right
until it’s like a primal
yeah it’s caveman dude i only i don’t even like
asking just turn right on huh
just asking
oh it’s great
yeah but it don’t taste as good
i used to do it
that way too i just get i gave away my propane tank to
ricky schroeder my propane
really it’s all over your
marination son
no you know what it’s all
about i’ll tell you what’s all
about dude this is all
about it’s all about
lump charcoal
or it’s actual wood
it’s not like
those briquettes
that have chemicals and shit in
the lump charcoal
so it’s actually just wood that’s been burnt and
and then you use very little lot
lighter fluid if any
just use newspaper
stuff in one of
those those uh
chimneys that they have yeah the
shoots yeah
taylor is one of
those you like you
pour all the coal in there and then you
light the fire
underneath it dude
lights the whole
thing up so fast salt and pepper on your
steak get that
motherfucker hot as shit
white hot coals
you sear it
on one side two and a half minutes flip that
bitch we’re talking two inch
steaks then
once you pull it off
after six minutes you slap it on the upper tray
close the lid open the top so some air gets in
we’re talking about
350 400 degrees
you leave it in there for another
maybe five six minutes and then eat that
shit son no
nigga no it’s all
about the navagals
get that shit
now leave us
smoke juice
listen yo how you
catch a crisp
with that a
one i’m all
about that a one
they actually have this shit called like smoke
like juice or something like that it’s just like the
taste the smoke
and i found it in my cupboard the
other day so i decided to put it on some
grilled chicken that i had
found it yeah how
great was it and i poured obviously
i poured too much i didn’t read the instructions
i thought it was just like tabasco or something
you’re supposed
to do like a little drop or something like that and it
i swear to god it
is the worst tasting
thing in the
world don’t
ever ever smoke
it will haunt you
it’s like doing mushrooms for your
first time it opens up this gate in
your head and for the rest of your life you’re always
gonna know what that tastes
you’re always
gonna know it’s possible
with smoke like it’s sort of
tastes like food but not yes
oh oh i am i’ve been thinking
about smoking some meat
doing some like with with actual hardwood and
stuff like that
i talked this dude
about it who does it on the
the other ground on the
mixed martial arts forms dude
named sammy
claus he’s sammy
claus yeah that’s his
name that’s his
his name on the form
and he’s always got like
these killer
pictures of like
barbecue he’s always like grilling
things and barbecuing things and
he’s got this big crazy
you know one of those
texas smokers
where it’s a big iron lid and
there’s a firebox on the side and you
throw wood into the box and the
smoke from the wood
is what actually cooks the meat
that’s next door to the firebox it’s really interesting
takes hours and
hours and hours
seems like a lot of fun i’m
gonna try something like that man
you’ve ever been to a pig
roast where they just
try no i haven’t really
damn i wanted to go to in hawaii this time
but the i wanted to see if they have like a louwal
that had that but we couldn’t find one
could find one pig
roasting a barbecue yeah i did one of
those houses
you gotta hang out with a
bunch of other people
i got into it when i did it i was like fuck
it this is cheese dickish as shit like come on you’re
gonna make these
i’m like i’m sure i’m
gonna make a little hokey lau
you know we’ll be
alive at all during the no
i thought that
maybe they choke
it or something
the best thing i got from that lua by the way
is i was in lies with my
is my ex i was in line we were
throwing spears
at these big
big haystacks
and this black guy was in
front of me
and he was about to
throw the spear
and i just turned to my ex and i was like hey
and she goes
do you want me to take a
picture of the
black eye thorn
i was like i need you to please
and i still have that
picture and
it’s amazing
she got a perfect mid
throw she knew me well enough to be like ari
but she knew also
even though i don’t support this in any way
fine i know you find this
funny alright
yeah if you’re a
black dude throwing a
spear is a real
risky move yeah
doing a lot of things
you know it’s like spear
chuckle that’s like
one of the top
ten chicken
watermelon yeah grape
juice it’s amazing
the watermelon
things amazing
watermelon is fucking delicious that somehow know there
could be any sort of a negative connotation
put towards watermelon
when i worked at arlington national
cemetery they grew in the back once they grew a
watermelon and this is in the fucking shack
laying down pipe with all that was mostly
black people
and they pick this up
they pick this
watermelon they
put it down for everybody and they devoured it
the black people jumped in there like it was like i’m
assuming like
prana three d was
it was just they were just all over like oh my god
i don’t have any
that’s my first
experience with
black people in
watermelon so they
ate it all and you you couldn’t get in there oh
they were devouring
and it’s i understand it’s not a bad
generalization
right you love
watermelon delicious food it’s great
but you had a real
experience with one that’s a sasquatch
sighting yeah
like you actually there in the shit
the latino guy got a
piece a small piece
the black people got
everything and
the other white guy
was there just not enough
watermelon to go around was that there i
think there was i
think they took doubles
they took down i
think they just
went in there there was like i’m just eating
watermelon so there was a
bunch people in line to get this
watermelon was it really a line like they they they
sliced it open i was like
hey watermelon here and then they just
just went to town on it wow but there was not enough
watermelon for everybody i
think there
would have been in
order like birthday
party fashion
probably just
no no it was pretty bad
well it sounds like they didn’t give a fuck of
watermelon they just kept it wasn’t like a
major big deal
more interesting to
watch years
later son and i still will
you’re from now
did you feel inadequate
no this one time this black guy did this
thing where he goes hey ari
what is this look like to you and he picked up his
shirt and he had his top of his dick
pointing out over the top of his pants
and i was like what the
but i was also like god that’s
how does it what it tastes like
tasted like a
i could come with anything
should have come
with an answer there did you did you feel concerned
this guy’s dick was poking out no the only
thing i was concerned was like my dick
would not reach the top of my
pants let alone have
all of your head go
above the pan line and he wasn’t like
scooting it down at all
and he wanted you to know
yeah it was like a joke i get it but it was like wow
that’s bigger than i seen you know
i was sixteen
yeah when a really dark
black dude like
you know it was purplish
like so could you or
huh you know
when a guy like that pulls out his dick
makes you look at it
so soft yeah
check congo
check congo
pull out his dick
if you in the bathroom
and check on going the
stall right next to you
and he’s being and as you’re about to leave he goes hey
look at this
and this just makes you look at it
yeah you’d wanna turn away but you you wouldn’t
have to look
turning away you’d have to know
you you look out of the corner of
your eye look like not straight on but like this like
yeah he would own you forever
you wouldn’t even have to blow him
so you in the hallway the next
time and just
not and you’d be like
you’d be around him
every time you around him
you would be like okay how
long do i have to hang
around here to make it look like i’m not comfortable
so look he didn’t punk me i didn’t
leave because of him it’s like
yeah brian you got this tone and a song back
love it huh i love it
he’s got a bunch of interesting songs man
what i like about him is what i like
about that other band that you told me about today
what’s that band oh yeah
god damn it caught me off guard
die antwoord
and they’re from southern africa where they made like
district nine the same guy from the same
part of the country or whatever and
they’re really interesting you got to see the
video but here’s like what i like
about it though is the same
thing i like
about this tonetta
this is all from the internet this is all
i don’t know who’s behind
these guys you get
any of your news from anywhere else besides
the internet i don’t you don’t really no wow do you
no that yeah no
i don’t know i mean i don’t know i just read it
on the internet you can’t differentiate anymore because
when i read news stories on the internet it’s like
washington post calm
right yeah times
calm so it’s like what what
would i be reading
my information from i don’t know
it’s a weird
thing though
but then nobody has monopoly on you anymore
because you can go to washington post com but
that’s not the only
thing you’re reading
before you decide between the
sports page and the front page
with this you just
go to washington post and you go to fucking alex jones
yeah we have
to say then you go to the next
thing no one
has a pull on you there’s
so much information out there that yeah so this is this
crazy fucking band
next level shit this is
south african
rappers this guy’s beatboxing and his dj has progeria
now that disease that makes you age
really surely yeah
is the thing dj
progeria no
that would have been a good name though
listen to those thoughts
is it all boys
there’s some beatboxing to it but it just sounds
got a weird flow and that south african accent
i don’t think playing this
the flashlight people would agree with this at all
why i just don’t think it’s a
flashlight yeah i don’t think it’s their marketing
i don’t i don’t think they would
this is just so you can see what they look like
that’s not a good one to show that’s that ninja song
the other ones better
see what they look like
he’s a freak
real weird looking dude a
bunch of strange shit
tattooed on his body
does he have
richie rich tattooed
on his body richie rich i don’t know does he yeah
that’s hilarious
maybe that’s like a clutch
thing to have if you live in
south africa
it’s pretty cool that guy looks like a nazi
god he looks
scary as shit
he doesn’t look
scary like that
look the dj’s like
like that he has a disease
where he grows and he’s like an old man would you
yeah he’s trying
to remember i was just talking i
was like forty
seconds ago i was like you were
setting up the
stuff yeah you
brian goes into his own
when he’s setting up
equipment he
doesn’t even hear what we’re talking
about yeah because i’m
thinking of
it bullshit
that’s what i do when you guys
start talking
about tech equipment
i just like
zone out and
start looking
around this
whatever restaurant we’re in the dj sings with
him in this song like you see the dj like moving in the
background yeah
well the you know like
while he’s like
jamming to the song the dj jams the song
it’s like wow this kid
how long do
they does he have i don’t know i mean how long
do you do you have period when you have progeria yeah
maybe i mean is that
definitely his dj is not just someone that they have
yeah that’s nice dj
so here he is
so he goes out and he’s doing all this and he’s
dancing around and as he’s doing it then the the oh ah
that’s a girl
don’t forget our ears are attached to your
mouth right now that looks like an alien
yeah that’s a trip man
it’s a trip when the human body is just wow
just wired all completely fucked up
that just looks like an alien
yeah that doesn’t look like
why are you judging
it looks like an alien so
i think a lot of people probably
think you look like a jew oh
how dare you wait
that’s a new monster movie the jews vs the aliens yeah
just get him a sandwich get him some get him some chips
what is the official wow
what is what is
why is what’s how
jesus people
say what’s the reason for that
what someone having progeria
retarded people
like what what was god
doing let’s kill this brand
you know well
that’s a good question it’s just fucking
it’s just dumb well what do they say in
you were like a seriously religious
young man yeah what is the jewish faith
say about someone who has
some sort of disease like this why
would god do this to them
god i don’t
what do they say i don’t know what they would say
they must have some sort of explanation
you know i never really i never really
i don’t remember anything like this
really any sort of question like this
but i mean they have a
thing with the more you suffer
here the more you’ll be rewarded in the afterlife
oh they do they
say that but it’s like that’s crap because a lot of
these some of
these rabbis like
of the elders
were like super awesome businessman
oh really a tons of cash most of them are
broke but some of them had so it’s like what are they
going to hell you’re saying right
because they
were better
no i think he’s like no he just
you make that your own
but live like i want you to
i guess the jewish
faith and the italian
faith have a lot of guilt
yeah italian
faith listen to me
the italian
you know catholic faith
you know what
i grew up with it’s got a
culture it’s
thank you very much culture
very very similar a lot of
guilt a lot of
guilt a lot of you must work hard and a lot of guilt
and a lot of family too they’re both similar too
but it’s interesting that the
whole guilt thing
no just make you feel bad
i’m glad i don’t for
doing stuff
that everyone
does i got a mild religion
compared to what you guys probably grew up with i
think yeah i
think part of it is being on the east
coast too yeah i really do the east
coast is filled with
savages way more forward
thinking people out here
yeah west coast
everywhere all to
count to canada
it really is my theory
is really a good theory the theory that i joke around
about when i talk
about it that
all these psycho immigrants move to the east
coast and they
literally they took
crazy chances they couldn’t
watch the fucking
travel channel or research it on the internet
they had to talk to someone who told them that they
could get land in america
so they got on a boat
and it took like a
month to get over here buy a fucking boat with
their family and
their children and shit
and came over here
they’re crazy
scrappers you
know these are
crazy wild people who are just willing to take
a nutty chance and move to another fucking continent
to further their cause
and when you
get people like that they have this sort of a fucking
angry aggressive
get shit done energy
that you don’t get on the west
coast you know it takes
the people that
moved to the west
coast are people that didn’t like that
whole vibe on the east
coast and kept moving
you know and eventually they established
and a lot of it has to do with the weather
the weather out here is so nice all the time
that no one has to be hard
you know you
don’t have to be like you have to be in michigan
you don’t have to be like you have to be
in boston that’s so
important too man that is just so important because
yeah i think about it
every time i leave la
you know i’m like wow
glad to get back to our temperature
not like you know
which is like 75
well you know what it does
it makes the climate becomes a non
issue for the most part right
it really does just change the way the weather
except for possible
earthquakes and
tsunamis are always possible too if there’s an
earthquake off fire
fuck exploding
towns exploding towns yeah i
mean look there are issues i
haven’t lived with any of
those things
there are issues though shit can happen right
but other than that you don’t have to deal with any ice
you don’t have to deal with any snow
more chlamydia though
what there’s a lot more stds are you sure oh
yeah there’s a lot more aa meetings you can find though
dirt and quiz i don’t even know if that’s true dude i
think comedian stds have made it
clear across the country they’ve caught on
i think the whole
world caught on
everybody’s doing it everybody’s got the internet
so chlamydia is
everywhere sonic
yeah but there’s so many more outbreaks my
space spread it everywhere
once my space
was bigger in new york or la
chlamydia yeah
i bet they all have new york
people are all on top of each
other going out more i
think they’re fucking more in new york
really yeah you
think they fuck more in new york than la
i think la they fuck more for results
what do you mean try to get
things done oh yeah moving the career
along although i’ve
never really seen anyone
really do that
people get stuff
after they did it with me
i’ve seen so many people do that
i’ve seen so many people do that so many producer dudes
just who when i
first moved to hollywood my
first show that i was ever on there was a producer dude
and he was banging the girl who was like
she was like she had a
small part in the show
and then you know he was
slinging the meat to her
and i was like wow this is like so cliche
like just the way they were
behaving around each
other was like so cliche
it was like so obvious she’s fucking him to try to get
ahead and he’s
he’s older than her and not really
quite good looking enough to get her but like
but he’s a player he’s missing his ears confident out
the first when i
first moved to
california this show that i was on called hardball
was the perfect
example of like what is possible in hollywood
like actors who
would freak out
throw their
scripts down
storm off the set
the producers of the show the original guys were really
funny guys this guy
kevin curran
and jeff martin
and they wrote for
married with children and they
wrote for the simpsons and they were really funny guys
but they were writers you
know and the network didn’t
think that these guys were
strong enough personalities to run a show
so they brought in this
other dude and this
other dude had worked on like
coach and a
bunch of like really canned fucking kaboom punk factory
produced shows
and this guy was
horrible he was so bad
the lines that he
would come up with
completely rewrote
everything to his own
taste on his yacht by the way
where the girl who was playing the part would go
visit him and she was hanging out with them they
would talk about the next day
i had such a good time
thank you very much
it was just
the whole thing was so so
completely ridiculous it was like so hollywood
one of the lines was this is how bad it got i played
a baseball player i played like this guy who was like
this baseball player that was always getting in
trouble and
there’s a desk
in the dude’s office the dude who’s the
owner of the team
and i’m banging this
chick on his desk
and he opens the door and goes excuse me
my that’s my desk you’re preparing to defile
and at which
point times
say i’m not defiling the desk i’m defiling her
that’s the actual line
while you’re fucking that’s the actual line
i looked at that line
and i just i just opened my
mouth and i’m like okay
these guys are just
they snuck in
somehow and
some writer was like
that’s a woody line and you’re like yeah i guess on
paper maybe
but it’s like
no one would ever
do that no but back then it was also like i like
breakdancing
no it wasn’t that
bad it was 1994 that was a sure sign of zero talent
whoever wrote that
trick it through
how did you
ever read that
because these guys develop
like cronies they have pals like this is one of the
reasons why there’s so many bad writers in hollywood
there’s a lot of
great writers don’t get me wrong
but there’s a lot
of guys that are writing just really horrible mediocre
shit and they’re
still around forever
and they just get into this sort of a
group where they
start getting used and
you know maybe they don’t
write good but
maybe they have ideas that come out good in writer
meetings and they’re all sitting around trying to
think things up sometimes guys
they’re not good
at putting the concept together but they’re good at
getting a ball rolling
you know and
so that’s a real
function in a creative room
but some of
them are just fucking they’re just in there from
their cronies they’re fucking cunts
and this guy was the perfect example of it was like
it was shocking
it was one of
the reasons why i wanted to go back if i hadn’t got an
apartment out here
and already got a little
i went back to new york i would
feel like fuck this yeah i was the
show got canceled
totally done with the
whole acting
thing what what show was bill brown
uh taiwanese
so you lived
out here for a little
while and then went back to new york i
think it’s went for half season or
season yeah
maybe season half
soon as i got cancelled
i fuck up them at the clubs
really yeah
it’s hard man you know when you’re a
comic and you’re used to doing your own
thing and saying your own
thing you’ve got a good following like bill burr
has then it’s hard to find the
right people with the
right voice
unless you’re
gonna write
every episode
you know everybody loves raymond
when you know
i knew ray from way back in the days before he was ever
you know doing any acting at all
way before everybody loves raymond i work with him at
jimmy’s comedy alley in
queens and like nineteen ninety two
you know a long long long time ago but
when he first got that show dude he was manic
i mean he was obsessed we
would go out we went out to
jerry’s deli
meet him and
kevin james
and he had just gotten the show and this all he
could talk about like
you know like
maybe the guy comes in and
he just says
i thinking about it and writing
things and stuff
yeah did that
sound more like ernie
hi there too much
like kermit the
frog kermit the frog yeah
hey guys ray romano here
ray romano i
hear you lose a little bit
i can get it if i listen to if i listen to him i
could get it but anyway um
ray would just be like
breaking i went out to lunch with him the guy was just
breaking down scenes while he was eating lunch
he just couldn’t stop
to him it was like
hey here’s this incredible big shot i’m not
gonna blow this i’m writing everything
he was gonna make sure everything was great
he became obsessed with it and wrote everything
but you know but he did it the right way he
threw himself into it
if you’re not gonna do that man
it’s fucking hard it’s hard to get someone to
write your own shit look at louis
ck with his first show
it’s hard to put it together on his
first show i read as a pilot for his other one
one before it didn’t get picked up
for like nbc or want some regular network
yeah there was like
pieces of a
stand up in there but you can just see like
three or four hands trying to rewrite stuff
it just looks
fractured and
just bad lucky louis and the new i
haven’t seen the new one and i only saw one episode of
lucky louis but i’m a huge fan of him as a comedian
just a huge
fan of him that he’s just out there doing all
these different
things that are
getting more people to pay attention to his comedy we
gotta get him on the podcast
he’s really busy man he’s busy as fuck
if we drug him up though get him
drunk he doesn’t even do that
stuff well he
drinks every now and then rants
about get him some killings
alan he likes killings
how do you know i don’t know fuck you talking
about of course i
gotta get drunk
got it down
doesn’t he single
yeah probably
drinks yeah
unless you’re a monk
or some fucking yoga weirdo
yeah you know it’s like
you gotta if you it’s like if you work
at a nightclub
a whole bunch of
chips for your
whole life you know
you can’t take them to the
grave with you you
gotta cash some of them in
and health chips
you know you gotta
throw some booze at
those health
chips every now and then
fuck it she right
do you know i used to give plasma
to get weed
i would sell plasma
every twice
a week sometimes
you can’t believe it
and now i look back i’m like
what is plasma
was that really bad for me to do
do you ever stop and
think about it and like
why would you yeah why
would you huh
why would you sell
blood who would you sell
blood to because i was in
college and it was
cheap and there was like you sell your own blood yeah
my own plasma shut up idiot no
no that you’d sell
plasma serious
how much 15
it was on a college
campus and they
would do it it was like
fifty bucks fifty
how much meth is in
those those bell
blood i know that’s what i’m saying
if you can do it on a college campus
how many fucking adderall lace
is it legal can you give away
blood if you’re
jacked on that adderall
i don’t know
i’m sure they
test you do they
test you oh yeah for how many different
things i don’t know
remember the questions
have you had butt sex in the last
two years yeah they
asked all these questions but
sex i don’t
think they put it that way i was helping have you
had anal sex some like that some like
legitimately
they just pretty much asking
you for gay and they like we don’t need your blood
wow that’s when hiv was
going crazy
wow everyone’s
worried they
would have make kids feel that out
alright like you’re fifteen
even if you had butt sex
alright whatever whatever
yeah man you getting
blood from people who knows what the fuck
those people
are doing before they giving you that blood yeah
who knows what new diseases are out there they
haven’t detected yet
right i mean before it
before aids was around
right nobody knew there was
gonna be an aids right
can you imagine if you go back in time to the 60s
where people just fucked raw dogs everywhere
nobody worried
about anything but then
he had ticks you know
we weren’t good at
fighting ticks back then so you
would have to use like a
matched stick
remember when people used to tell you like blow out a
match stick and then get on the tick
you know i think oh yeah
going to apollo
who died of syphilis
so there was there were
still venereal diseases
syphilis turns into
cancer yeah
that’s a turn to cancer uh huh
it’s amazing one of them
how many things can fuck you up from sex
all the different
crazy diseases that are
transmitted through sex that aren’t
transmitted through they only affect
a certain part of your body
hmm touch some herpes at the back of her hand
that you’re fine yeah
it’s weird right
well you get mad herpes
from jiu jitsu
yeah i herpes
you get highs herpes in your eye dude i heard
about a dude who let listen to this
he dropped his contact lens on a mat
and picked it up and put it back
in his eye come on and got a staph infection in his eye
and wind up
dying oh my god yeah
that’s crazy it went
systemic really fast it went
systemic and it was through his eye went
right into his
brain and that’s a rap son wow
yeah did you see what’s her name
that female
wrestler or
the girl that had the sex
tape flex when you said that the girl
china china
did you see that like
thing that she
said it was a spider bite but it was like a
it looked like to me it look like a fucking
rain worm or staph infection it was so bad is huge
thing well you know she might be
shooting up
you know who knows who knows what
better for you
it could be a staph infection though
a lot of times
it was like a
spider bite
or something
people think that
staff infections
are spider bites
until someone tells it
yeah i already did that
it looks like it man
it looks like
a picture of
staff on the
in that gym at all
no i’ve really said just put a
picture on the door yeah if you
see anything
looks like this stop and consult a doctor immediately
staff who’s that
china that’s her
whole yeah it’s her whole
hmm and what is she saying that is
again like a spider
spider it could be a spider but
those spider looks
brown recluse
saying it’s a spider but when i
first saw it i was like dude that looks like staff
that’s her wrist huh
no it’s her leg that’s a leg
i believe yeah
it’s down there
then here’s her up skirts
she’s got nice
pussy boners
what i love her
pussy boner
i’d like to put this
clitoris yeah put a little hat on her
dress it up it’s fabulous
would you would you hit that brian no no
i don’t like girls that
that have a guy
kind of physique muscle tone too
like if they have a long
wide enough
shoulders i’m out i’m like alright but what if
like that’s
clearly not your type but like what if
um i need a little you on the road somewhere and you’re
drunk and you sort of
horny and like you had one girl you thought was
gonna work out and then didn’t i’m turned off by it
so like to me i’m like i’d rather so she’s like hey you
wanna hang out for a
while you would say no it’s not like
if she had like the muscle if she look like that
i’ll try no you would say no i just wanna go sleep
dude okay masturbation
flashlight that’s what a flashlight’s for
you take it on the road with you
no i don’t need to you take it on the road with you no
that’s a commitment yeah
i don’t need to beat off
that bad you just get used to singing that’s how it’s
going away how
about that’s the line you draw some
random draws
not outside of my home listen fellow
when i go on the road it’s for work not for pleasure
yeah i fuck pillows on the road
that’s it’s not your pillow you don’t have to
worry about do you fuck
pillows i do it
at least what do
you do stayed in so much
over and over
again i might have
slept in one of the pills
you fucked yeah what do you how do you fuck the pillow
you just hump it
you know it’s soft
no i don’t know and it’s silky
but there’s nothing it goes into huh no
you don’t have to it just rubs
against it the
outside of it you kind of shave off a little
like you’re four
huh like when you were four years old and
just figure it out totally
not four or fourteen
just kidding dude
i didn’t start beating off till i was
about fifteen
i beat off early
really so early that nothing came out
and then one day
stuff started coming out
yeah like three or four years into it
and i really thought i
broke it wow
cause i didn’t know what it was it was just like it was
when you came that you
broke it but before you just came and you had orgasm
and that was it just
go and yeah all this
fluid start coming out
and it wasn’t like a
like a gooey like it is now
it was just
completely milky
like it was real
loose watery
you remember the orgasm
you used to have when you were like 15 or 16 great
i my girlfriend when i was a
girlfriend oh loomy
this was seriously one of the
first times i ever had an orgasm ever
yeah it was in her mouth and
and i was fourteen and my fucking
ears rang like
it was i came so hard my ears rang it was
crazy wow like my my
whole body like all your dna is like this is what you
wanna do but i never you wanna breed
i’ve never been able to come that hard ever again
wow the hardest ever came on this ring
don’t have sex for what 15 years
is that what you have to do yeah
must be save it up imagine that come you have zero
control that the yellow come
yeah i mean
she might have put it in her mouth for
about fifteen seconds
that’s all you needed not even fifteen
seconds i did once behind the
north hill service desk in college
it was like sort of
one of the desks that was only open from like
noon to six pm
but it was kind of secluded
no one come up behind you they could just come into the
front door so i keep doing it like lean up
right against the table
and start doing it somebody come up i have to stop
how are you whatever and then i
would just i
just just unzip it on button you know that’s all
so i just and then they come outside to stop
again and it took like
thirty five
forty minutes
on what it did
i was just like i lost control of my body’s like
ah ah ah ah
like a while
i’ve been chasing that dragon ever since man
that shit back
that’s hilarious when i
first fucked really high that was a sort of the same
thing we’re
like oh my god yeah people who don’t know people don’t
smoke pot don’t even know how good sex can feel if
you’ve never fucked high you have to fuck high
it’s like amusement park ride do it with some you
trust or something just both you say we’re
not potheads we both can get high and do this together
yeah you’ll
enjoy the sex so
much more it really
everything feels better
every every
touch is magnified i have a friend to stop smoking pot
except right before you have sex wow
i’m like what if a girl doesn’t
doesn’t do it because i don’t care
i say i got her real quick
yeah you’d be
crazy not to
it makes you more passionate too
oh get lost
yeah but then
she starts crying you start
freaking out more than you normally
what your girls are always crying
i think you need to stop doing something
something you’re doing is making them all cry
and lose himself with the tears
that’s how i finger my butthole
with your tears
what is it about
chicks crying
on you man how many how many have cried i’ve
never had one cry
i’ve never had one cry on
you i don’t
think so my
first cries
should cry about
doing these
woods on you
i think maybe cry
once because i accidentally fucked her in the ass oh
you know what
i mean like
where you’re like fucking and
slips out and just gets
right in the ass whoa wait a minute she
might have done that
right in yeah
do you really
gonna go right in
i’ve never i’ve always i
think i probably
was like took it out put it like put them put it in
shoved it right in
right right
surprisingly
she have a giant butthole
i don’t remember
who it was i just remember that happening
i remember who it was
i remember that story
but that’s another tale for another time yeah
was gonna say what we’re talking
about before you were talking about dicks accidentally
going into buttholes oh man i don’t know god we’re
still all high
do you know that in some states
where were we it’s like legitimately not legal
just to go smoke pot
just to go buy spot and
smoke it like it’s like a problem
yeah it’s illegal it’s really sort of weird though
oh it’s very i become super used to it
well you live in california and california it is legal
it’s you have a medical issue
what is your medical issue
sleeplessness
no they got this time
that was time was the reason why
you get high all day yeah
i said i need surgery
oh that was
good there you go
true yeah our sphere was out there in the trenches
how to get some meniscus repair yo
and he said let me see the
wound but it was arthroscopic so the
wound was super small
and i forgot which leg it was cause i did a good job
so i was like oh and then when he was like
where is it
i don’t see it i was like looking for it i was like
maybe i got the wrong leg
and i was like oh there it is there it is
he saw it is like okay he looked at it
yeah he called me on my shit
my right knee were they they did it with a
cadaver graft
yeah that was my when they replaced my acl
you can’t see shit there’s no scars anywhere
there’s like a little tiny scar
where your leg is
haunted the only scar by sexiness
there’s a dead man
dead person
basically the dead person just prop
provides a framework
and then your body sort of fills it in
right the so an actual just
about her you want it’d
be crazy if it came with like a
birth certificate
though kind
of like a cabbage
patch kid and you get to like little there was a horror
movie do you remember that
my hand or something like somebody got a hand
or there was
some fucking murderer
yeah he escaped like he didn’t get killed
so the guy wanted his hand back so he hunted this guy
this one armed murderer
was hunting this guy
and at some
point he had his hand alt like
in a handcuff
two cars going opposite ways like one guy
and so he’s just
gonna fucking yank him out
he wanted to
steal his hand back what
movie was this i don’t remember but i remember being a
movie that’s our previous four
i never saw the movie wow
there have been some
movies with
some fucking preposterous plots i want my hand back
how about the
john travolta one
with what the fuck’s his name face off
when he was an
angel oh yeah
i like that
that was good
that was good
see that was a good action
movie i like that
movie when i saw expendables i was like
why can’t you just be as good as that
but is it good
today if you
watched face off today
i’m gonna watch it
again but you know what john woo
directed it he directs
great action
scenes right
so that’s a plus
yeah but the
premise was the
premises dumb
and they had margaret show and
eddie is what in it
you both of
them both of them
annoying yeah suspect i was like wait what why are they
what are they doing in this
small role in this
movie took me out of it
did it really i was
aware of who they were this
is your comic
no i wasn’t one
oh well you i was
aware of who they were i was like this
seems like they’re
gonna yeah those
should have
been anonymous rules or way bigger roles hmm
interesting and i’m not even sure margaret chose
i might have just lumped her in with him
she might not have been in the movie
i saw she’s so fucking hilarious
she’s on dancing with the stars yeah
this season
yes she is my advice to you is
when the commercial comes on
to avert your eyes
when you see coming dancing with us just look away why
it’s gross she’s gross
yes really as a body type
you can likes can like her all you want
i do i like her a lot
but you cannot pretend when you see this that is not
funny she’s crazy
i ran into her with
my family in boulder when i was living in boulder
and she just like any pot
i don’t like this is just like
california you can get it out here
she’s cool though she’s very friendly
very nice person wants sexuality and at some
point becomes like ew
well you know what man what we do if you were her
what a rocket
let a rocket how she likes to rock it makes
me a little
unpleasant meanwhile you’re
whipping your dick out the communist on
stage i think that’s savory to her
she walks in looking for some jokes
you’re getting your limp dick sucked by some fucking
freak yeah what
bring you on next margie
what was the name of the pornstar
lane lacey lane
lacey lane l a c
i or y l a y n
e yeah and she
said when they were introducing her she was completely
completely naked
wow completely
naked on stage
yeah she was already
fully naked on
stage and then
and then she goes
i’ve been in over 37
porn films like wow it’s a lot she goes
it’s not really that much
thirty seven is not that whatever the number was
because that’s not
it’s nothing yeah it’s nothing to let you know that you
could be her boyfriend
maybe she wants you to make you her boyfriend i
think she was trying to be modest
about her career
really yeah
where someone’s like this guy’s been in
he’s played clubs and colleges
everywhere you want to say that it’s like no that
doesn’t nobody cares
about that right
which is like but i mean whatever
think it was that that’s what i got the
sense from her
she was like i’m getting there i haven’t
built my name yet
would you have asked
bella donna
about her and she didn’t know she
would you be able to date a porn star like that
out there in the business casually
yeah casually
would you watch
their movies
um maybe yeah i probably would really yeah
like say if you were on the road and she was back in la
yeah would you like go on you porn and
pick up one of her clips and beat off to it
think about her getting fucked
right probably go with someone else i do
i like how you’re talking
about as if you like make fun of my
girlfriend room i don’t have a girlfriend
why are you like mocking me
you do brian yeah do you do what yeah
i masturbate to my and
yeah that girl yeah nice i
never looked at a picture of her well
you know you
never looked at a picture of her masturbation purposes
no or at all it’s very respectful at all
it’s like i don’t know it was never
it’s not nice they
wouldn’t do anything for me after that
she would not like that much
although i have
met some porn stars before i’ve seen any
other porn become like
friendly with them
and then at some point like
wanna beat off
like i’ll come across one of them like yeah
wow yeah let’s do this that feels
extra naughty
yeah no not yeah just hotter
hotter yeah
you know dana de
armand you know her right
she had made this
tweet yesterday she
was in that outside
the video she
said my face is
covered with cum and slap marks
that was one of her
tweets i was like wow
that’s great
wow that’s pretty intense
you know she gets fucked hard huh
oh yeah oh yeah black
eyes a lot of them yeah
there’s a lot of them
she puts in work son
do you think anybody
would be to this
type of porn because there’s so many different types
black guys fucking
white girls gently
yeah for sure that’s a there’s a market out there
like super calm and just like
maybe it’s for girls saying a lot making
videos maybe
training wheels for getting really
fucking yeah
that’s kind of what is on like a cinemax kind of
yeah but the black dudes are
never like really soft and sensual
come on baby come over here yeah soft and sensual
black eye porn maybe that’s what it is yeah
soft and sensual
black guys and love the white girls have
never had a black experience
or an asian girl instead of
going just going
would you like some
there’s gotta be proud
this should be a porn
where it’s like girls just getting broken into the
black experience it must be right yeah
there has to be there like abusing them
oh oh really yeah so like this is your
first black man and
i’m shoving it in but this deal is so fucking massive
yeah that guy scares
me it was dick
that shit’s ridiculous
how much money do you
think you can make for
those i think he’s got like a name guy yeah name guys
you guys what is
gotta be a few hundred
grand a year
you think so yeah
tyler knight
said that the
money just dropped
substantially because of all the free
points i yeah
yeah he’s you know
tyler is he was on
the podcast talking
about his blogs and his blogs of kind of
turned into
him writing a
novel and like he’s got a publisher now and
everything and
he’s really a fucking talented writer
but you know he was like sort of forced into it because
of the fact that the porn industry evaporated in
front of his eyes
and he’s not like a big name act
but he’s you know i don’t know he’s sort of a name i
think i think
ella money’s a
producing too yeah
when you’re on the
where they gonna sell
it now they’re
gonna sell like
tons people buy
really it’s like
dried up but it’s like
drive to the
point of like
if you produce and
market your own dvd it’s like you
could sell so much
that’s why chuck taylor
still get made
because most people will not buy them
but there’s a few people who will and
we’ll just exploit that market too
yeah i always wonder when i hear
about like like
some big porn
thing that they’re doing you know and some big porn
tape is gonna be released like how are they
gonna make money from it’s all
parodies now you know people want to buy like a haha
dvd you know for somebody it’s kind of like you know
okay so right
now it’s turning into
parodies most of it’s just webcam business
they’ve been doing parodies for a long time though
right but that is
funny that it
could be like a haha gift yeah
porn as a gift here
i know you want to beat off
there’s excuse
the cosby hose
i give you license to beat off
i will know that you are
good licenses
the cosby one was funny because of
what’s his face
comic jesus christ
what is his name
thomas ward thomas ward
bill cosby incredible bill cosby impression
great and all of a sudden he was in a cosby porno
he wasn’t fucking
i’ve known but
he’s one of those dudes that i thought was gonna
really hit a comedian
i was like he’s got charisma he’s funny i’m like he’s
gonna get better i’m like this kid’s
gonna be good he had a certain amount of attitude yeah
he was pretty badass but it never really worked out no
close the other level that sketch group was pretty good
yeah they were
right they had some good shit
it’s an interesting ride isn’t it being in hollywood
you’ve been here a
while now you know seeing guys in the business
seeing how you know a
it really awards persistence and
focus and you know some guys yeah
well no really
that’s not true i don’t
think so no i think it’s pretty random both ways
like it takes more time
but the same amount of people like drop off late and
like i said early
yeah but the
but the guys who stick around it’s a lot of it is
their persistence that’s what’s getting rewarded
their persistence and
their work their hard work and their effort
it’s like you see the difference between
those guys and the guys that kind of half ass things
yeah like louis anderson
yeah there’s always guys a job
there’s there’s always guys that sort of half ass it
i wouldn’t say
louis anderson though why would you say louis anderson
remember his manager came into the store once
and he was like do you mind if i come in
and show me his card or whatever
and i was like is
he coming in tonight he goes no he’s on the family feud
i’m like i can
still do spots he goes
you don’t know
louis anderson
he does one thing
really yeah
and that’s like an easy
job so he’s like not doing
stand up when he’s doing that something like that
so big you know when you’re that overweight it’s
gotta be hard just to get around
you know you
don’t have a lot of energy to do more than one
thing why would you want to do
stand up too what i’m saying is though
someone doesn’t like work really hard
yeah well i wasn’t talking
about a guy like that he’s pretty
successful what i was talking
about is guys that you see that when you
start out together
in hollywood and
you know there’s some dudes that just don’t put in the
effort oh yeah
they just slack off too much don’t
focus enough i mean how many guys have you seen come
along the way that you were sure we’re
gonna be really huge
for whatever
reason they just stopped doing it some of them
just keep doing it but they just stopped developing
it’s not even a question of work
ethic it’s just like oh you’re just not getting better
yeah yeah and what it
is everyone’s jokes are getting better and yours aren’t
yeah that’s new
jokes just not
yeah i think some people top out
so that’s not like they’re not tackling
tough subjects or honestness it’s like
man like sometimes you
gotta find the
place to be honest you know uh huh
and just let them come
right they’re working just as hard
nah i don’t
know if they are because they’re not thinking
about themselves objectively that’s the difference
the difference is everybody talks
about like working hard but
are you working effectively
yeah i mean what is it
about your sense of
humor that’s not
translating to all
these people in the
crowd there’s got to be something it’s not
funny you maybe
need to look at yourself and how you’re looking at
things and maybe your
thinking is distorted yeah
you know and that’s
very often the case
that’s what i
think a lot of it is
it’s just you know you
could say that
they’re working just as hard but they’re not really
it’s like you know i’m trying to push this
truck up the hill yeah there’s buying the
right things doing it the
wrong way i’m
trying to go sideways and i’m pretty sure it’s
gonna make it go straight you know they just don’t
know what the fuck they’re doing it’s like they are
working hard no one knows what the fuck they’re doing
yeah they start everyone’s just
guessing at it that’s the
weird thing yeah but you
learn slowly
along the way
yeah you know i
learned a little bit faster than you
whoa what are you trying to say
brian does stand up
every now and then he’s thinking
about making a
motherfucking screen bag
do stand up
where you gonna go
mostly haha cafe and try out a couple
other places really
are you you looking forward to this you nervous no
are you thinking about
truly embarking on a
stand up journey
again because you always think
about doing it and you
think it’s gonna take
time i do i do
everything in
season it’s like
everything when it comes to like doing a lot of
videos or doing like
stand up or doing
songs or drawing a lot it seems like it comes in a
season or video games even
i just wanna play
video games all the time for like a
month then you
stop doing it
stop and it’s weird
i have seasons of
creativity what
the thing i’ve talked about
stand up is so hard and so interesting that i
think it helps
everything else you do anyway it’ll help your
videos it’ll help it’ll make
you’ll have more
experiences it’ll
make it interesting
i say don’t bother
boo yeah whatever i really
think i got this thought the
other day that he does such great
videos like
that’s his mode of
expression so if you have
stuff you wanna get off your
chest like that’s
your way of expressing well that’s the only
thing you know that i do i also
paint paint for i’ve
painted for ten years he
writes poetry
things i do
bunch of crap that’s just the only
thing you’re
focusing on
it’s the only
thing i know
about i didn’t know
about the painting at all
i want you to
stop stop thinking
about what you hear and just get to know the real brian
this comedy is good though brian
another baby thing
probably knows how to
write jokes
i i brought one the
other day though i don’t know if it’s only
like i don’t know like if the
majority of the audience is
gonna get it okay let’s tell it
tried out right here uh
have you guys
heard like you
know the ipod the iphone is killing the cd
i don’t buy it because have you ever tried to
break up cocaine on itunes
i think that’s funny get it though yeah
an iphone iphone yeah off a cd right
right exactly
so that’s no i
would just get
right i’ve even done coconut i would just
get rid of the part have you guys ever noticed
well that’s how you
start out a bit
have you guys ever noticed
sometimes it’s just you have to get the ball
rolling that’s just a way to be comfortable you know
things like when you say something like that like
how’s everybody doing tonight you know like come on
really right you
asking a question what are you doing you just getting
the ball rolling that’s what he’s doing there my
other one now
alright so my girl
we’ve been dating for a long time and
you know it’s
getting kind of boring in the relationship
and so the other day she you know goes do you wanna
do you want breakfast in bed
i’m like yeah that’s
i love breakfast in bed you know kind of surprised me
so she bent over cupped her hand
farted in her hand
and blew it in my face and says there’s your eggs bitch
i know this
one you’ve already done this one to me before
i knew it halfway into
it now and you knew i knew it and you had to keep going
i heard the
first one too
you heard the
first one yeah when did you hear the
first one a year ago
whenever you told it to me oh
brian i thought
these are your new jokes now i’ll get
some new jokes
that’s why i was like i
tuned out i
realized i’ll give you
some new jokes this people
right now on itunes the haters
right now the red band haters are
going crazy right now
why is this guy
ruining the fucking podcast with his
shitty jokes
here’s like one i
wrote in two seconds
farting on an old
woman is one of
the very few times that the reaction isn’t in disgust
but concern that they made poopies wow
that’s way too long just stop it just know
these are just no
shut your mouth
i want to hear the kanye west
video before we get out of here okay kanye west
set the judge songs the
first time you hear
oh no something’s badass
right away sometimes
on the radio
just gets in your head you can play it over and over
again it start to
catch on that cee
lo green song
dude that forget you one man i heard the
other day that was
off we need
to play that too why don’t you load up forget you
that’ll be the next move
you know the
kanye one yeah let’s hear the kanye one first
did you see this
chick you hit in the face with a watermelon
look at this video
oh nice damn this chick
this chick is
amazing race
she does a slingshot with the
watermelon the watermelon stays in the slingshot
and hits her in the face right here
oh when it gets slow motion
it’s awesome she got knocked out to
a concussion
i mean it looks like she got
blew up in her face that thing is going so fast yeah
no arc to it she got stomped gosh
driven into the turf
yeah that’s not good that’s probably fucking serious
brain damage right there i mean think about what
kind of impact her skull took here
that is like she got vandal a sylvan she got kro copped
reality shows
so dangerous
it’s amazing
that reality shows aren’t killing people left and right
there’s so many times
when we’re on fear factor
where i was like fuck this is
gonna be it this is
gonna be the one
this ain’t good
this ain’t good
and we get through it
yeah and we got through it i was like
there’s some shit that happened
the bull fighting one was the one that i was
absolutely sure someone was
gonna die they had
these bulls we went to this
place that was like a
it was a bull
riding training
place that’s
where we were
gonna do this the stunt
and we had already
gotten going i
think it was in our second
season everybody was real comfortable and saying we
got this we got a hit show in the air this is terrific
so here we got
then everybody was
agreeing to if nbc agreed
to it everybody sort of considered that it was safe
so all of a sudden
there’s this bullfighting
thing and you know how i am with animals
so we’re there
and i go hey i go this is
i’m concerned here
i go what if
what if someone gets
stomp what if someone gets kicked this is a monster
yeah i’m like this is really gonna
are you really
you guys really
gonna do this
yeah and they’re like well
these are training balls they’re
training balls they’re not that
aggressive i’m like
these fucking
balls don’t know they’re
training balls they don’t
speak english they have no idea they’re balls
why did you become such an
alarmist me yeah
thing wasn’t a little kid
really yeah
saw too much violence
too much violence at a
young age it’s like whatever the
story comes up
it’s just a
weird thing it’s not good or bad it’s just like
always be like what
could possibly
happen up to ten
when there’s animals
animals or danger
or or when i don’t
think people
pay attention hey what the fuck what’s this
when your kid that was it like laffy taffy
like i am not
laughing and this is the taffy
what the fuck are you talking your mind
um no i was in
alarms when i was a kid though yeah i was always
assuming that
nobody was paying attention to the fucking
sasquatch was coming the wolf man was
right next door
to watch for nobody knew
and i was the one in the
movie that heard it first
got to warn the town like
guys i know
right you were the paul revere
well i you know when i was really young
my dad beat the shit out of my
mother in front of me
and when i was like five years old
and from that moment i i
think i have always been like
quick to look out for craziness and danger
like here wait
where the fuck is it what’s
going on here that guy
might be nuts
you know it’s
like the fact that my dad did it to my mom
that it was it was so
impossible to beat that shit ever for nothing
and right in
front of me and
she was crying and he’s
yelling at her when she’s on the ground it was rough
really yeah
and i was fine
with jackson
brown style ooh like
fucking this is what it was
she got hamburger i’ve told this
story before but
it’s a fascinating story
she got hamburger at the
supermarket and
apparently you know
he didn’t want hamburger for dinner and
she asked or he
asked what you know
what you get she goes hamburger and he just opened hand
just pounds her in the face
well i mean it was like a
punch it was like an open hand punch
just clipped
clipped her in the face and she
you know she
slammed against the wall and
slammed to the ground i was like whoa
like he is beating the shit out of her and she’s
screaming and crying
and he stand over
screaming at
her and i’m like wow because she got hamburger
yeah it was
my dad was not she deserved it
wow i’m just kidding
yeah we know we know you’re kidding brian
why would your instincts even tell you to pull the
trigger on that one
that’s silly
but anyway it was
from that moment on i
think i’ve been
the dude is like you know let’s just
fucking keep an eye on for everybody you know we
might be around some nutty people here that’s
fucking animal
might come out
and eat you this can happen here that can happen there
since that okay
so i saw that bull and my
nature automatically
these fucking 90
pound girls
i’m gonna ride this bulls bulls like thousands of
pounds it’s this
giant muscled
fucking beast that’s
locked in this
cage and hates it and people are fucking with him and
touching him
and as soon as that door opens he can’t wait to
run out and kick this person off of his back
and every one we did they
just barely
missed getting
crushed everyone
really they almost got
stomped on this
chick almost she
weighed like 90
pounds she got
shook off the back of this bowl
and the foot just went like this
right by her face
right by her face
if the foot
yes if the foot
crushed her face
if that hoof was
six inches to the left or to the
right it would have
crushed her fucking head
he would he
would have kicked her in the face
and shattered
everything she
would have this giant
mass of broken bone and inflated
tissue and cuts all over her face
would have been horrible
it’s it scared the shit out of me that was the one
where i i looked at that and i was like this is
this is a real
roll of the dice here man this is dangerous
that’s craziness
everybody almost got
stomped everybody
almost got gored how did they say it was okay
they just said it was okay
the stunt guys told the fucking
the network that they knew what they were doing
and they said
don’t worry
about it yeah with it
people do them
every day and the amount of danger that it actually
causes is very small
what the fuck are you talking
about those are bulls
their bulls with
their full balls and their dick
and they don’t want you riding them stupid
you know they’re trying to get some cow
pussy and you’re out there
cock blocking
sticking a fucking
a rope around
them trying to ride them get the fuck off me bitch
so they get crazy
that was the only time i was
worried people gonna die
the end what about kanye west
god damn this fucking phone
how about kanye west oh
at amp t
stop cock blocking at amp t
don’t you know i’m running a podcast here son
ladies and gentlemen
sorry for the lack of enthusiasm
and or energy towards the end of this podcast it has
petered out a bit we’re gonna end
strong though we’re
gonna end strong with this kanye west
song it’s not an ending
strong kind of song what are
you talking
about man it’s powerful
if this is the
right video
i hope it wears a polo
shirt this kind
of backpack
i hope that
black colors
pretend like
yeah walks around with a briefcase
who is that dude used to
stand behind them with a bow tie
it was professor
daddy right
professor accident no
brothers and sisters
who was professor x
he was in public yeah
but like who was the one that had to get
rid of no professor griff they had to get rid of right
why because he was saying all kinds of crazy shit
white people
gotta die and they like oh guy no we’re
selling records
to white people yeah professor griff
police that’s
as far as we can go whatever his name was something
prime minister griff professor griff
i don’t remember what his actual name was but he was um
like public
enemy was not radical enough
he want he want to take it to the next level
take this name
so this way they can squash their beef and put a camera
in this let me see let me see what this looks like
was that good
put a camera on it right i have to look out here so
we’ll point it out i can see the screen
there
this is the worst technology ever reviewing a video
i already hate it
jesus walks is a good song
sounds like the music from bed bath and beyond
what is this look at you look at you
this is awful oh that gets better
what you’ve been putting up with my just way too long
i think the message here is that
just be an asshole
no the media
paints these people
as assholes but really nothing they’ve done is wrong
they’re just regular people
i’m not sure if that’s the message
yeah you’re a jerk off because you go to work every
day listen to him talk
at least you know that’s what i’m good at
yeah i always find it i always find
it yeah i always find something wrong
you’ve been putting up with my it’s way too long
what a contrived performance just the way
he’s moving around and dancing everybody’s on lineup
oh trying to cry
yeah that was hilarious remember he was a gay fish
this is a terrible song
yep the like the message here i don’t get if you
say i’m sorry
or it’s like i didn’t really do anything you
miss you misinform
like you missing porn
about me there’s a
bunch of different
things in this
he’s also saying that
it’s a good distraction for people to pay attention to
other people doing things
fucked up it’s all
it’s just whack
off faggotry
so like we need him to be yeah
he’s this is a guy who’s lost
touch this is
awful stop it
you stop stop it
i can’t take it
i’m sorry i didn’t mean to get violent
who that was
atrocious you’re telling me there’s not more
talented people out there than that that’s ridiculous
you know to
respond to any sort of a bad situation like that
with that that song
like you you you did something fucked up man you
gotta come up with something strong
your your comebacks
gotta be strong or how
about just say
no that was a year ago let’s just move on i
think i told
you so long
ago if you want to do something
about it if that was the whole
premise through getting them on
you both write a song
about the instance
it seems to be that that had was an agreement
right they both had a song
about it you gotta
knock that shit out of the park dude you know
don’t even bother who cares you know get over it i
think if everyone was over it
after like a
month i know people just stopped caring
i’m sure he
heard about in his
world all the time
dude he must have got
crushed from that can you imagine
i bet every interview she did they
asked her about it to the
point where it was like all
right that shit
crushed his soul
he might be done
might be over
what do you
think i said you got a
standing ovation
after that what
the only one of the
night you know
jesus christ i hate everyone i tell you what though
kanye is not bad when he has other
he does shit on
other people’s songs i don’t
know enough about his
music but i know that gold digger song was awesome
that one song
jesus walks fucking love that one song here i’ll
tell you right here
american boy
american boy yeah that was a
great song fire
you wanna hear it yeah okay
i mean american boy it
might be gay and i
might just not remember what’s
wrong with you boy
you sure i like i like them in that song
last chance for romance
right here it’s one of the songs you like
you gonna bet your
money on this
it’s one of the songs you know what i mean you’ve
heard it really times yeah
i’m so out of
touch you’d be amazed
i used to live in the woods remember
did you show that fire
the house did not burn down
house i lived did not burn down but
hundreds of houses near it did
oh this that this that estelle joint all right
i like how you said joint like your fucking
spike league
but they give me a plan and i put the money in my hand
right now instead of a motor we need more seats
we just sold out all the floor seats
me to your kind love to see la
you’ll be my american boy
this a great jam he said hey sisters
i like the hook though the most i like my songs on
i like her voice
marry her
this podcast is literally i don’t like his baggy jeans
but i like what’s underneath them what a dirty bitch
baggy jeans
what she likes what’s underneath them oh that’s what
get that dicks
like cotton underwears
it’s great song though
i love it
some hot british
chick already
should fear meats when he’s in london doing a gig oh
that’s right she’s
black with an english accent
ready to throw down son
she likes you
she wants to kiss you there’s no one like you olive
this is you man this is your song i should fear
any american boy
there was always the
rumors that if you go to
australia they’ll just have sex with your accent really
yeah they love americans over there man that’s what
eddie f tells me
really yeah
yeah he’s over there
he lives over there half the year
yeah he’s huge over there sells out
everywhere over here he gets no respect
you know that arch barker dudes giant
right there
in australia
australia is paradise
well listen
that other kanye
west song sucked
but that one was pretty fucking awesome
if there’s anything we
learned in this life
is to end on a positive
well he’s a
fucking ego maniacal douchebag
okay that’s a
rare song when you don’t know how it’s
gonna be received yet though
no that’s reticle
that’s ridiculous that song is
ridiculous if he
just listened to it he
should be like what the fuck am i doing
what is this
this is ridiculous
it’s terrible
it was just
an ego stroking nonsense look at me i’m a tortured
genius fucking sappy
like a shit
but he’s capable of doing a lot of
great stuff but the
thing is what
it’s like dudes get like
they have this
thing inside them
and they want
to somehow or another
get it out they
want to express themselves they want to express
their brilliance
and then once they do express
their brilliance
and then people receive it as brilliance
then their fucking head blows up and they get
crazy and they’re like see
i was brilliant
and they completely lose
touch of what made them brilliant in the
first place
frantic drive for love and attention
get sabotaged
by too much love and attention
cause that love and attention comes
like unconditionally
the fans love them no matter what the fans are
tripping over them
so they start
thinking they really are the shit
and they start
thinking they really are important they lose
their humility
and when you lose your humility you lose your
creativity and
everything you
start to produce and sucks
it must be hard with everybody telling you
everything’s
great too word son
droppin the knowledge at 7 26 pm
that’s the end of this podcast
ladies and gentlemen
it has to end some way
it’s always good to end on a
strong note
um thank you to the
flashlight for
sponsoring us if you have not fucked it
you do not know what you’re missing feels
way better than beating off and i know you’re
gonna do that ari
shafir i have one here for you
it’s right the
other side yeah that
extra vaporizer
i have that as well
but you can’t
take it unless you take the
flashlight i have
it’s a package deal take it and
give it to me
don’t give it
to bro why do you
need two flashlights because
why would that be that
thing you need i ruined my
other one well we’re
going to meet chris
from the flashlight
joey diaz and i are
gonna take a tour of the factory
video to follow
video to follow we’re
gonna go straight iphone video
high deaf with a flash
and we’ll upload that shit on youtube
that’s not end with this gay song man you’re hurting me
hit me with some good something good to fade out to
alright thank you for
tuning in everybody
we will see you next week
i’m in austin texas
tuesday night
which is tomorrow
night but it’s all sold out too bad you
snoozed bitches
but i’ll be back
in november
just one show just me and joey diaz
and but i’ll be back in november
for three days so a lot of shows five shows
oh shit here we go
we got me sugar pie
honey buns sugar pies
you’re my sugar pies guys
fan page and
fade to black
ladies and gentlemen
thanks for tuning in love you see you next week
oh were you delightfully
surprised yeah i like this it’s a nice mash up
hold on keep it on for a
second here
i love this
dirty bitch
i hope she doesn’t die
i’m going to england
i want her i want to
party with her
i want to get
fucking hammered with you don’t want to
party with her yes i do it’s not just hammered
i get dude i got fucking massive willpower
i won’t do anything stupid
i think i could
i think i gained something from hanging out with her
watching her
evolve yeah
i think she’s
a real artist i mean she’s a nut and a fucking
banana head she’s crazy
she’s a real fucking artist that that
bitch makes some good songs
she tunes into it i don’t know how she does it i don’t
know what she’s doing to tune into it whether it’s
heroin or you know the heroin’s just a symptom of some
other problems
it might be ruiner but it
might have what made her who she is in the
first place
you know it’s that the ability to just let
everything go and not give a fuck you know and just
tune into whatever the fuck it is you’re trying to make
not everybody can do that man
there’s a reason why everybody locked onto that shit
they know that she’s
she’s exuding
soccer good this is
something real
she’s doing it you know it’s right
what are you doing
what’d you do mr
christine doing another song
what the fuck brian
why’d you do that we were just talking about the song
okay okay stop that’s it
ladies and gentlemen this is
i’m gonna give him a
stern tongue lashing after this weird
grew you didn’t
even pay attention what we were saying were you
i was just gonna show you some more
party ben songs we
weren’t fuck
party ben we’re grooving
about amy winehouse
you know listen to what we’re saying boy
i heard yeah
disrespect i’ll tell you what
amy winehouse was a man he
wouldn’t have done that
you think he’s a homework towards man yes
you got hatred
all right here we go
if i did alert
see it give me something
good to end this with a positive note you fuck
no not this that’s not positive it’s gangster rap
marley in there
the podcast you got some bob marley in there
you don’t what what
what what what stop
enough is enough with him
could you be
loved you can’t say
could you be loved all
right it was
great and then
i overplayed it when you know as a kid and
it to me it’s
annoying oh you guys are gay as fuck both of you
i just finally woke up to it i
loved it for
so long i was like i just i don’t care anymore
it had its wrong you really you just said that
about bob marley yeah
are you sure
fear has no sacred cows
he has talked shit on
bill hicks he’s talk shit on
bob marley now just give my opinion
does not give a fuck he
steps in and
had a great
run tells you
forty years of songs
congratulations
could you be love
still gets me bro
what is this electric field by mgm
this better not be gay bro
oh he’s gonna think it’s good i guarantee you’re
gonna think it’s good i don’t know i like this song
i like it too
wait for it what is the band again mgmt mgmt
let’s call it the songs called management management
the song is called what oh
and fade
it sounds like prince
fucked hall and oates
they’re the same ones that did this song
let me show you the next song
no okay no i don’t
don’t want you to step to the next song
i love this
moment that people get into is trying to somehow
indoctrinating
for their music
somehow brag
about your music like
it’s better or try to convince people that it’s good
but it’s like
you like what you like and you don’t what you don’t
was i doing someone to like was i
doing that they’re like let me show you this next song
it’s not a bad thing
everyone does it now it’s fun
he knows the band
oh he probably knows this song too
is there anything universal is there anything that you
have to like if you have to like to be in the group
is there anything
where you know remember when you’re in high
school like if you didn’t like led
zeppelin come on
man come on dude listen
how could you not like this it’s like i
don’t like just don’t if you don’t you don’t
i like whatever
is there anything universal is there
anything you have to like you know that the guy has bad
taste if he
doesn’t like
like eddie bravo does not like a lot of old
classic rock yeah he
doesn’t like almond brothers and shit like that he
doesn’t like to listen
that shit god dude
i don’t really know their
stuff that much you don’t know almond brothers
play that much
no i couldn’t if you told me
ask the name a song i don’t
think i could
you don’t know midnight
rider you never
heard that song
go on a midnight
rider no on top of the hey
hey we have to have
played that on this podcast for have we played midnight
rider before
i don’t know
find midnight
rider by the allman brothers
it’s one of my all time favorite get
stoned and kick back and listen to songs just cause
it’s one of
those songs that just
it captured that period of time of
music and there’s
these wild motherfuckers who just
drinking and
traveling the
country smoking joints and doing heroin and
going on stage and rocking stadiums
and just crushing people with good fucking music man
midnight rider
is just one of the best
one of the ones
know how that goes
midnight rider is one of the ones
where it’s just
it just it’s
perfect time
capsule of that era
let me hear that shit brian
give me some volume so if i don’t
this is a nineteen fucking seventies dude
sounds like it
i know now this sounds good this song is a jam
my barracuda
i don’t have any
music in that car that’s not from the 70s or the 60s
just out of respect really
yeah cause it’s that kind of car from that
it’s that kind of car it’s a muscle car
with a big v8
smell the gasoline
i want to hear some real american rock from
from when we were alive
before everything just turned to shit
people were wild and taking acid mushrooms and
having fucking love rallies
and the allman brothers were rocking it back down
no internet fuck you
sounds so much worse
this sounds so much worse oh what you just described
i like the song though songs are brilliant
playing it over the internet
yeah it’s beautiful
it survived into the internet
but i’m saying these guys got huge
just by people talking
about how great it was getting on the radio
people going to see him live it’s a different world man
it’s a pure world man no tmz
they could get they freak on
imagine the amount of cocaine and
hotel rooms this guy’s destroyed
i’m
i’ll be informed
that itunes gets pissed if you play the
whole songs
yeah is that true
why wouldn’t they they
sell the songs because it’s terrible grainy quality
no it’s not all
right ladies and gentlemen
listen no no good way to end this now
and they say the allman brothers are the shit
especially a few of
their songs
kill it kill that
music brian
thank you arch fear
for coming here
being a part of the podcast
if you were in
room man thank you like i
got it set up here yeah
i will be back
if you are in san
diego this weekend
ari is at the la jolla comedy store
and where’s that at
in 916 pearl street
nine one six pearl
street in la jolla
one of the best clubs in
southern california just an awesome setup
very similar to the original room
in hollywood
at the comedy store
which is one of the best
rooms ever of all time
so this room is just like that la jolla comedy
store is the shit
and who are you there with
ren is easy
steve ren is easy who’s also hilarious and a comedy
store veteran
and he’s been on a gang of shows
he’s from the league
right now the league
the league yeah
great guy too
so go down there and
check them out two shows friday two show saturday
fuck fuck yeah yeah
and can they get tickets online anywhere
yeah probably comedystore com
that’s probably the best
place to do it mail
regular mail
you could send it to 916
pearl street
where are you
going you’re
gonna start envelopes cursive
we’re going to
texas we’re
gonna do cap city comedy club
on tuesday night and then the
ufc is in austin on wednesday night
good times a common son
brian reicle you can get him redband at twitter and
thank you very much for tuning in
again this time
no false advertising we are leaving the show is over
thanks bye flashlight
flashlight com
snake rips in a garage boot