Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Dane Cook.

Transcript

we are live

ladies and gentlemen

thank you very much for

tuning into the podcast

once again my friend

brian red band of course as always

and today joining

us the wonderful and talented mr dane cook

talk joke don’t

worry about

it chris before we get going

i have to thank our sponsor the

flashlight if you ever use one of these things

i fuck with these i have not feel that

it’s fantastic oh my god oh brian

that’s hard to lay in the

background okay you guys can’t hear it but my

my computer’s volume is on of course

but this is a sponsor of our show you supposed to

there’s a little button right in the middle brian

the upper level around round thing

is it off okay

was it off yeah looks like it’s off powerful

anyway the idea first of all why

well they offered to

sponsor the show and i said why not you know

no but why in the shape of the flashlight

why is there a

why is it a

flashlight i

guess that’s

what makes it easier to hold so you can fuck it easier

okay and then

once you’re once you’re done and you ejaculate

can you open that that’s what i said

yeah that’s why i say yeah

you unscrew the bottom and release the

crack of shame

it just slithers out

into the sink

it’s like something i love is that it is more

shameful for

some reason than masturbating it feels way better

but it’s more

shameful like

i always joke

that as i’m coming i’m regretting it as i’m coming like

does it also serve as a flashlight

no it doesn’t light up in case it’s not a flashlight

it should have little

lasers pointer

flashlights or something like that

yeah it’s just

a silly little piece of shit by the way

talking about flashlights but it’s awesome they

come in pink and last night you performed for pink

what kind of a fucking shitty segue was that

asshole did

how dare you subject my ears to

that actually how was that though was that pretty cool

she called me up and i

she asked me if i

would do her

birthday party for her boyfriend

carrie heart you know the bmx guy and all that

and i haven’t done a private anything in forever

and i was like no i don’t you know i’m a fan and

stuff but seems weird

right yeah yeah i was like i can’t do that and then she

was like well this is what you know how much i can pay

oh really and i was like

it was actually a few

weeks ago when the deal came together i was like if you

if you can do that and get me

courtside for lakers

celtics which i thought was impossible

i’m like i’m

never gonna get

courtside last

minute for the

series wow and she called back she goes i got you

courtside for the last two games

and i’ll give you the vig that you want holy shit next

thing you know i’m

standing there

it was like it was the

it was the highest paying hell gig i’ve ever done in my

was it bizarre

was a complete

really bizarre

it was weird how many

people were there 75

and they had pink and carrie were on

stage and like

thrones that she’d gotten him

were you were

you hired to do your act or to just talk to them

and just say hi and fuck around i pretty much

could have done anything but i knew they

were fans of like you know my comedy so i was like all

right i want to go

in and do well but by the time i got up there everybody

should phase

and it felt like

the boston or something back in new york at like two in

the morning yeah

yeah those things were awesome

pink lately have you this thing is

like like hers recent shows

yeah i know she’s an incredible performer

yeah i wrote a whole blog about her

brian why am i not hearing myself there we go

it was just that yeah just the vine for you okay

yeah dude i wrote a whole blog

about her performance at the emmys that i

watched and i was like holy shit

like it was like perfect like her

voice was perfect

the way she

carried herself was perfect

and then when she actually suspended herself and

started spinning around

like there’s no fucking way she’s really this good yeah

and she’s really singing

yeah really singing the

whole time and even

people on the

radio were like she was lip syncing

i don’t think she was i don’t think

she was she wasn’t

she wasn’t doing that and singing anyways is

ridiculous if

she really was doing that you know she just fell

doing that shit i saw that

video yeah yeah yeah

that’s scariest but not only fell but when she fell

the wire pulled her

and pulled it to the very

until it was

taut and i thought if that snapped it

could have cut her head off totally

and then it

would have been

the most popular

video on how

crazy would that have been

could you imagine

watching pink

get her head cut off decapitated

could you imagine if that was a real

viral video

wow and then the sales will go up

cause isn’t

everything posthumous like yeah

giant huge huge

anytime you die even if you were mediocre

when you die you were a little bit better than mediocre

everybody loves you everybody goes

crazy they’re

never gonna hear you

again so they go nuts

and buy your shit even though they forgot about you

look at michael

jackson who’s by the way incredibly brilliant talented

but what after he died man everybody

went fucking nuts everybody went nuts to buy a shit

i thought it was fake for a bit

actually yeah

cause i’m kinda like i

i’m always like alright

these guys heresy theorist

a little bit man

it’s like i thought that you know he’d pop out like six

months later

you know because he needed

something he needed

the love back man there was a lot of people that were

not feeling michael jackson for a long time i don’t

think anybody’s ever even

tried to pull that

death off i

think if you

tried to die and i

think that’s a federal crime

i think if you

think really yeah i don’t

think i don’t

think you’re allowed to do that

you know i mean even as a publicity

stunt you would have to have medical records

and if you have medical records and people are

gonna find out they don’t

exist if you’re faking it

true i don’t

think you can do it the

whole tupac

thing is ridiculous how it’s gotten that fucking elvis

too man so all um

elvis back then

maybe you could pull it off

you know they killed jfk

they could probably fuck

elvis up well that was the whole

thing is that everybody said

elvis faked his

death to get away from the kernel to live a normal

life because the kernel was like this megalomaniac

isn’t that hilarious

people are so romantic

you don’t realize that when you get to be

elvis famous you are guaranteed

fucking insane

yeah there’s no way you can get away from it

elvis beck this is back before the internet

is back you know i mean terrible

movies he was doing

he couldn’t even

leave his house

right even walk down the street

when people

would see him they

would start

screaming and fall to

their knees yeah

my favorite

elvis story that i

heard was at the height of

you know everybody loving and hating

elvis those

buttons came out

you know i love

elvis and then the i hate

elvis pins came out

he made those

give me the kernel

came up with that they sold more i hate elvis pins

i’ve heard of a

bunch of people doing that or

stealing that

exact same idea that’s awesome

that it’s so awesome

you know the elvis

thing must be so sucky

if you were

a dude back then how the fuck do you compete with elvis

your girl is

screaming and yelling

and you’re fucking her and you know she really

would way rather be

fucking elvis

all you can really

do is just play into it and just tell her you love

elvis and take her to

elvis and like just try to make her

elvis fantasy

come to fruition

yeah put on the fucking wig the whole deal

mutton chops

those elvis

there’s an elvis clip

when he was really he was really

fucked up he was doing whatever drugs he was doing

and he was bored

and he was not remembering the

lyrics and there’s a gig he was doing in hawaii

where he’s so fucking

bored and you

watch this he’s not singing any of the lyrics

right he’s just

inside jokes with his band members and then he does the

thing where

he slowly backs up slowly during this one song to his

three backup singers

and in the middle of talking he just turns and

screams in their faces and scares the shit out of them

like literally turns it goes

and they’re all like

as they’re trying to sing it’s like

he was gone yeah

yeah he was gone

he was way too big

you can’t get that

big it’s not safe big and he was like so and i mean

i’m kind of a huge

elvis fan and

there’s one documentary that

priscilla actually did years ago

based on what she wrote

where she finally talked

about how insecure

he really was

he had his buddies

living with him and shit

and if they

wanted to go out to a dinner and he was by himself

he would freak out he would

shoot tvs up

he had to have his friends around him 24 7

wow joe you kind of have that

whole entourage you want a gang of people

this reminds us of you joe

you know like we used to always roll with huge

groups of people

you can’t too problematic

yeah but you prefer that kind of well

it’s always

more fun to have a

bunch of guys

that you’re friends with that go to you in gigs

but if you have too many

and you have to manage

them all then it becomes a pain in the ass it becomes

like more of a pain in the ass of getting my friends

to get downstairs

in time so we can get to the fucking show and

you know did

you call this guy did you wake him up we got to

go to the fucking airport

where is he

there’s five different guys and

everybody’s got

their own bullshit

and then dude

started arguing with each other

and then it became ugly

then it became like okay this is nonsense so i had

to cut it most of it it was like a reality show for a

while it was it was too much though

it was too much like that

there was too many people

you know when it was

tate and eddie

and me and you and

larry and mike

young and all

these other dudes we’d all go out

i mean come on that was ridiculous

it was a giant

group on the road man

yeah do you like touring with a

bunch of dudes

you always tour with your friends i kind of

i pretty much have

stuck close with the same guys that i

started like my

graduating class

bobby kelly

al del benny

you know i knew burr

when i first

started in patrice

because we kind of came up like a little bit after

you like you were a couple of years ahead

headlining around

and i did a

bunch of really

fun little gigs for dick doherty

the comedy huts remember

those comedy

huts yeah the

light ships

cambridge that we did

victor’s comedy home

at the akuac

dane was with a comedy

troupe with bob

kelly and him and al del beni

so it was a good comedy

troupe you guys were funny

it was good you know it was interesting

you would do

comedy sketches and then you

would do like

each guy would go up and do stand up

right and so we

would work together do

these dick doherty gigs

those were fucking fun

our sketch comedy improv

group was so bad we were so bad at improv

and everybody you know the

first rule of improv

is don’t deny

but we were so bad at improv that our

first rules

was denied so we

would just come in and

completely ruin

scenes by like

you’re pretending pantomiming i’m holding a baby and

bobby can be like dude why are you holding a tire

and you just

it would just fall

apart from there but we just had a

you guys had

some good ones you had some good sketches with

a couple good

it was fun i mean it was and it was

experimental

it was like you guys were taking chances you

were doing something a little unusual at a comedy club

and you were doing comedy too

yeah that was probably

actually better for us opening with our

stand up and then we just go fuck around and do

music or skits or improv

or whatever for

whatever the rest of the hour to fill it up

do you still ever try to do improv

once in a while

or do you just only

stand up now

um a little bit i’ve been

bringing out

cause al’s been hosting down at the la factory and i’ll

bring al up

once in a while and we’ll do

stuff at the very end just

you know whatever skit

or dama rare and i will do some

stuff once in a

while where i’ll just

bring don up and

bat some stuff around but not like i used to not like

sketch full on

sketch upright

citizens brigade yeah yeah

yeah i’m not a sketch guy

i i really rather

prefer watching

stand up i mean sketches are fun and

everything like that you’d be so

good at it though like

just like short

as much remember that

movie you did that little

short movie you did for

kelly kirsten

when you’re talking about the

cable bill and

stuff like that

it’s like a five

minute clip or something like that i just pretended

to be my dad it was really easy

well how did it go from

i’ve always wanted to know because you were in boston

and you were the

first guy who we

watched go from

headlining to

then you’re on tv

man and it was like everybody was looking at you going

how do i do that

how did you turn the corner how did you

get news radio

total luck complete

total luck i did

mtv’s half hour comedy hour

and mtv was that

mario joiner or somebody else

yes and mario

would it was like i didn’t even get to

shake his hand

like he introduces

you and he goes to the left and you go to the

right i was like damn i didn’t get to

shake mario join

his hand i felt like i wasn’t even really on a show

you know it’s like

mario joiner back then was the shit man

that’s a guy

where i don’t

understand what happened there i don’t

understand well

he was the shit vanished anthony

clark was the host of like kamikaze

or something like

those guys were shit

but i know anthony so i know he’s

troubled so i know that’s what

would would lead him

to this weird

place he is now but i

never understood the

mario joiner

thing right

do you remember reggie mcfadden

i do remember there’s another

one right yeah

reggie mcfadden

was a monster

absolutely kill

one of the few guys that i really would

would be afraid to go on

i used to see him in the

early nineties in new york and i

would watch him to

stand up and i

would go fuck this guy’s gonna be

eddie murphy he’s

gonna be gigantic

he’s gonna be the biggest comic ever

and then nothing

it was weird is

the weirdest

thing ever is he still even

exactly exactly that question

right there that’s hilarious and charismatic guy

so just like handsome and well

spoken and a fucking really nice guy

like a real

nice guy whenever you’re around him he’s always smiling

having a good time

just like what the fuck happened how does this not work

it’s a very strange

thing it’s a very strange thing

and it’s a very strange

thing when guys get angry

that for some reason or another they don’t get the

respect that they deserve that is one of my pet peeves

that’s a weird

thing when people do that

well it’s because i mean i can’t

speak for reggie but it’s like

you go through this

phase or period and stand up

where you’re like okay i’ve committed my life to this

this is what i want to do

i’m all in here at the

table i’m in

my for me my mid 20s there’s no turning back now

and there’s a

bunch of those years

where you’re

watching people go on

you know some people are getting

stuff some people are falling off

and it freaks you the hell out

man freaks you out

freaks you out hard

but i don’t

think it’s a

very healthy attitude at all to look at someone else’s

success as if somehow or another it’s bad for you

and i think

if you’re not

if someone’s not paying attention to you

like there’s

a lot of dudes that are like you know i don’t

feel like my act gets the respect that it deserves

it gets the

exact respect it deserves

there’s no other way around it

it’s the perfect

connection between you and an audience

and if it’s not getting a reaction

it’s because of one of two

things either you’ve been very shitty in

marketing yourself

or promoting yourself or

you’re not seeing it the way

other people are seeing it

you haven’t

found your audience

there’s some people that have

weird acts like

you know mitch hedberg

for the longest time had a really hard time on the road

because he would go on and they

would put on these like

super high energy middle acts that would sing

and like i remember there was this

black dude in

i believe it was in ohio i

think it was at the

the funny bone in columbus

and hedberg was supposed to headline

and this guy was fucking

crushing it

every night in the

middle spot with singing and dancing and getting those

columbus ohio people into it and then hedberg

would just you know your

folks he’s from there

you know it’s what it is

that’s your peeps

they’re good

people that’s why i recorded my special there

but he would he

would go out to them and they

would hate him

they would hate him well was

he in that face to remember you just go up and kind of

he would stand there and

i remember for a

while and his hair were just

completely be

covering his face yeah

like not even looking up the

glasses nothing he was just like the top of his head

how do you go up

after somebody is fucking doing

juggling fucking chainsaws

which is hilarious by the way

and then yeah

it is a weird

thing right he had to find his audience

and he had a real hard time with that for a long time

that’s always a tricky

thing man when you’re coming

up in the beginning like there’s guys who will tailor

their material or tailor their act

where they don’t want to do this but they do it

just so that they can get more people liking them

and they can get like on a better

track right you know i’m talking

about yeah yeah

that’s like a real

it’s so hard to fucking

especially when you

don’t have an audience to really find your own voice

you know it’s so tricky

because you know you

work at a club and if you offend someone i feel like

you know my act was always kind of

dirty and offensive

and like you know when i was nobody like they

would get upset at me like

you just there’s

three people that want

their money back

fucking asshole you know

clean up your act for the next show and you’re like wow

yeah cleaning

my ass like this is what i like to do this is the

stuff that i always like to see like i can’t talk

about what i

think is actually funny

so when you were doing your

stand up and

you did finally

leave boston and hit the road

where did the news

radio thing finally even come from

so i did this

mtv thing and i got a development deal

right out of it with

fox to do a show called

hardball it was terrible show it was really bad but

a bunch of good guys on it

and i had fun but it was like i don’t

wanna be around

actors anymore i’m like this is just too

gross i would go back to new york go back to comedy

but i fucked up and already got an apartment

cause i thought the show was

gonna everybody

thinks their show’s

gonna go sure so the ratings are good

we’re picked up for next year

you know everybody

thinks that and so is

so my stupid ass got this fucking cool ass apartment

and i was like all

right now i’m

stuck so then

right after that i got a deal with nbc

before i know when i was on newsradio it was just like

stumbled into one

thing i mean i auditioned for newsradio but

it was kind of

funny because

one of the reasons

why they liked me for the part was that

there was no jokes

in the script

right like the

first one that gave out there

was no it was no

comedy in it it was just like really straight and flat

and i was like wow

how the fuck do i play this i was like i’m just

gonna play it as

if i was really saying it like let me just go and do it

there’s no jokes

in here so i don’t know what they’re doing

they were just trying to weed

out the hacks they were trying to weed out the whole

they were trying to weed out the hacks

exploding shoe guys i guess

so i just got lucky

total luck total luck

right person

right place right time

click click

click yeah all of a

sudden i’m on tv

which was fun but

in the beginning when i was on tv i was

very shitty with writing new material

and i wasn’t performing that much

i was just loving the fact that i was making all this

money right

having fun and doing

stupid shit and just no discipline

at all and saving up for your

first incredible car

yeah i bought the

first car right away

as soon as i had

money i bought

a 1994 toyota supra

turbo yeah had one of

those two dude

those were the shit

used that fucking big

crazy wing in the back of your

spaceship i loved

loved it was my

first really cool car i

think i went

eighty five mustang gt with the

t tops did you charcoal gray

she was a beaut nice nice

yeah there’s there’s something fucking cool

about buying your

first cool shit

i bought a pool cue for

seven thousand dollars

but this ernie

ernie gutera is this guy in la

makes this cue called a gina q

yeah it’s very

homemade like

really like precise perfectly balanced pool cue yeah

it’s like this

things awesome seven k

do you collect

anything do you have anything that you’d like

spend money on you get the bet

i know we both get

steve martin john we both collect

steve martin

i got like a

bunch of memorabilia

yeah yeah i went back and

found a whole

bunch of old

vinyls lenny

bruce and cosby

and new heart and

steve martin and

stuff so that was kind of my

thing like i like finding

stuff that that’s you know off the beaten path

as opposed to like alright anybody can go

i think for me the craziest car i did in aston martin

oh yeah and i thought okay i

spent a quarter of a million dollars on this car

this is gonna be the fucking craziest

car the best car ever

and it really

ended up being the

worst thing that i’d ever bought with my

money dude i had the

exact same story with

a porsche 911 turbo

bought a 911

turbo and it

broke down on me

literally broke down

where it needed a tow

truck five times in

three years i

think i drove you

three times to the dealer just me yeah

yeah i spent

i was there like nine different

i love that we were complaining about

the fucking crap the crap it just

goes i have a

lexus it never fucks up

never never fuck they’re

bulletproof yeah yeah they make them so well there’s

never any problems

but if you have

a mercedes or a porsche or something like that you’re

gonna have some weird

light goes off like what the fuck is this

this isn’t working

why is my headlights not coming on shit

you gotta bring it in oh it’s the computer

i wanted windows 95 on

those things i bought the aston martin

and then i bought

the casino royale

soundtrack and i just fucking

drove around

and i pretended i was a spy

and i literally was

pointing at

people on the side of the road pretending i was

shooting them and like

too much time on your hands

the problem with

those cars is when they work they’re intoxicating

you know when you hear the

sound the ends of the

that fucking

powerful like well engineered engine but but

but it was such a poorly crafted car inside

that i was like why don’t i just get a fucking ringtone

of that sound and be

happy with the fucking sound of the engine

and get rid of this plastic piece of shit as

everything inside with crap it’s in an english car

right yeah they’ve never been known for

really making great cars i mean

jaguar i guess yeah but the engine you’re right it was

worth that to fuck up to before ford bottom

right yeah yeah

yeah english you don’t want

that you want japanese they don’t fuck around but my

problem is is like

everything’s made by

robots now for the most part so even american

cars are made by the same

robots not the

same though it’s the

standards that

you engineer the car to that’s what’s important

and they’re

using much higher standards

than american car companies are there’s no doubt

about it i have a ford mustang

and i have a bmw m3

and the difference between them is so different

and ford is high

level as far as american cars go it’s better than gm

but still you’re

inside of it it just feels fucking chintzy

and things feel goofy and

the navigation

system kind of sucks

it was like it was engineered by an american guy you

know just kind of cocky

where’s the lexus like

everything that nav is

the best right yeah

that’s nice

fucking dudes

money complaining

about cars how sad

that’s because we’ve

also had some

of all time

we’ve had we’ve had nothing as well

that’s the thing is you can actually

you could sit here and you

could tell these stories if you’ve

been fortunate enough to have some

success because

anybody who knows who’s done this for a living

when it’s bad

it’s fucking bad

when it’s empty it is at its

emptiest man so you

know you get a

little something or you have a few years of fun that i

think it’s kind of cool to be able it

still doesn’t seem real to me

you know success and

money none of it seems real to me

you know when i can go to the

store and just buy things

oh look that tv looks like it

would be perfect

right there let’s just get this thing in

and give me

a piece of plastic

and you give me whatever you got

and that’s ridiculous and it’s unreal

yeah yeah it is it’s

crazy she’s fake

doesn’t it seem i mean

don’t you ever

walk around your house

i know you don’t smoke pot

but when i do

i walk around my

house high and i’ll just look at the

house and just go what the fuck is this

this is my house this is

where i live

this is so strange

you think about what it was like when you first

started making

money and you didn’t have to

worry about bills anymore you know that feeling

that’s the fucking most

liberating feeling ever

that’s the big feeling it’s not being

famous not being rich

the liberating feeling is not have to worry

about paying your bills that’s the most important one

it was like wow

it was like all of a sudden it just like

lifted like i literally

physically felt

lighter i’ll

never forget

it because i was always scratching it was always like

do this john schuler gig and

maybe i’ll have enough

money for rent and then

you know i can’t eat tonight because i you know i

literally don’t have any

money i have

to wait until tomorrow and my

check clears

billy down still owes you

sorry barry box

barry cats was the big one was

barry still your

manager yeah

yeah and he

still owes me 300

bucks from one of

those those

gigs that was brutal

for people that didn’t

don’t know what we’re talking

about there was a time

where there was another entity that he had

called new york

entertainment

right and they were booking colleges and apparently

it was costing too much

money to rent the

building where they were at

and they were

spending more

money than they were making

so they started

spending the comedians

money and owing it to them

literally like

you would go to the gig you

would fly around the country go to

these colleges

get your checks

send them into barry

and then you know you would wait

and then you’d be like a

month later be like what the fuck dude

where’s my money this is getting

crazy and then it

would be like another time you

would do it like

three or four times it was guys it had like

they had a lot of

money out yeah i don’t know how it all got settled

but it was ugly

it didn’t it didn’t

you still got

salty about

do it around

barrow be like you want that

three hundred and i’m like no it’s like good luck

charm is you not paying

me bust my ass

i have the i’ll show him fucking theory

going yeah that’s

yeah but i know for me man like seriously it’s like

what put things in perspective and

some people know this or don’t is like

i hired my step brother

my half brother

i know that

story that’s a crazy

story it was like alright so i thought i had this

great nest egg i bought a

house i did all that and then he came in and

i can’t talk too much

about it’s ongoing but

let me talk

about it since you can’t so the

rumor is you don’t have to say anything

that he stole like 11 million dollars from you yeah

that’s fucking horrifying five years you

think that your fucking brother

your blood like someone you grow up with is

so fucking jealous and so

shifty and plotting

against you

that they’ll

steal your fucking money

allegedly allegedly

such a betrayal

that’s it man

it really i mean

first of all absolute

complete betrayal

and the way i deal with that with my family

but the thing that

really was jarring in the best of possible ways was

talking about

okay i’ve been doing

stand up for

i’ve been doing

stand up for 20 years

you know when

everything happened i

started in 1990

and then i looked and i was like all

right this is gone i

never had this

either it was gone or whatever

i went back on tour i did

probably the biggest

tour that i’ll ever do last year i did 80 arenas

i went out there i fucking just you know was hammering

yeah the economy was shitty but i kept

going i was

promoting my fans came out

and it was that

i haven’t had a moment in a lot of years where

really struggling

again where you’re like i’m in

trouble if i don’t do something

and the ride is over what do i have left

what’s there

for me years down the line and i was really you know

thankful that

the fans came out and supported but

it was that moment where i’m

going okay you

know yeah i bought some cool shit in my life and

i’ve collected some

album missouri you know buy something

crazy once in a while but

you can’t fucking take somebody’s

creativity it always comes back you’ll have

stuff you lose i’ve had

things i’ve lost it

many times in my life

and all you can do is keep getting back on

stage or fucking getting out there and

doing whatever you know connects you to something yeah

yeah that’s what it is really for

comics too it’s putting the new

thing together

right yeah it’s putting that new

chunk and then

the new set and you know

preparing for the next special

and feeling

these new bits come

alive and the tags and the new tags it’s like what a

burst you get

every time you come up with a new tag

it’s like this positive energy charge like ah yeah

look and then sometimes on

stage in the moment

you’ll pause

and say the perfect shit out of nowhere and it destroys

and that becomes the closer i mean that

becomes the part of the bit that ends the bit

it’s the best feeling on

earth man really when it all

starts to come together you see that you know you

know it’s like you have a theme or a through line that

starts to come through and

there’s nothing better in the

world man in

right from the bat

right from the get go when you have your

first good set you become a junkie for that feeling

you become someone who needs to kill

you need to get up there and kill

and you don’t

wanna do any new you don’t

wanna fuck around

and do any new shit that’s the problem

in the beginning because you’re scared yeah and you

wanna make sure you get

through the set good

and you just just do the

stuff that you know is

gonna work don’t fuck around don’t fuck around

right it hampers your growth

because you become this fucking junkie

you just want that charge just

wanna hear them scream

you wanna hear oh shit oh no he didn’t i know

but we we also

you know we came out of boston where

you know i know

the guys that i can i mean i love i love

steve martin and the guys that i always loved just

watching growing up

that i wanted to emulate and then when i

started in boston

these guys were like

killers man what people don’t

understand about boston is everybody knows all

these famous guys everybody knows

billy crystal everybody knows

you know i mean in the very good

comics robert

klein blah blah

blah name the guy

don gavin was better than all of them

he was better than all of them

this is not an exaggeration

and he was fucking

squeaky clean

i mean every now and

then he said fucking fuck fuck a little less than that

but his bits were not dirty

it was delivery was

perfect right

it was perfect

you would watch his economy of words the way he

set a sentence up

and you would just feel humbled you

would be like fuck he’s a master yeah he’s a master but

he got caught up in this boston thing

where there was all these

great guys in this one area and they always drew a

crowd and they always got paid well

and then they

would go on the road and they’d be nobody’s

like why would i be a fucking nobody

back in boston

next thing you know they’re back in boston

and they’re just doing the same gigs over and over

again when everybody else

takes a shot

and branches off and disappears and becomes famous

and but you really

would watch

these guys and part of you

would feel bad that they weren’t

getting over the hump but

you felt like so fucking

honored to be opening up

and standing

watching going i’m

learning from the best

so when you

leave boston

it’s like you had that

these were guys like i always describe it like

they had the

energy of showman but they were like men they were like

men doing comedy

yes yes and

you know i always really wanted to be there they always

stood right at the fucking

front of the

stage or really lenny

clark is the perfect example

of that when

lenny’s a fucking man he’s a guy this is what

lenny clark said was

we were at giggles in saugus and there was this fucking

table full of

chicks they

wouldn’t shut the fuck up

they were screaming and yelling and goes

listen if you don’t shut the fuck up i’m

gonna hire a

nigga to fuck you in

front of your mother

it’s like what the fuck did he just say

mean it was me i

think chris maguire was there i

think it was me and chris i can’t

remember we were like what the fuck did he just say

he doesn’t give a fuck yeah lenny

clark did not give a fuck he was just this big yeah

gigantic burly guy

who would by the way he

would beat your ass to

who this is

like if you like talk shit to

lenny clark

he’ll probably you know do a line and

punch you in the face yeah

these were real like real hardcore

blue collar guys but

fucking hilarious but

it made us it made us

sharper because you were held up to a much higher

standard you had to go on

after guys who were way better than average

and you had to be

sharp all the time

you had to constantly reassess your material you did

i learned a lot

watching joe before us because the

thing that happened with you though was you were the

first guy that i saw from the next

young generation

that when you

started headlining

you were getting the respect for for killing

but you were the

first guy that

i saw that had real backlash ever in my life

that people were like they didn’t know how to

where to put them

and people that he passed no not

gonna mention names but like

they were just so fucking frustrated

and they didn’t know how to deal with like okay wait a

minute this is the next guy coming up

there’s that

you know people are always

gonna resent

and you’re young

good looking and

every fucking chicken the

crowd after the show is just like

you know there’s that there’s the

fighting thing to

which doesn’t make any

sense at all it’s not

supposed to they’re not supposed to coincide together

yeah the martial arts thing

it just seems like i’m

i’m not the i’m not i’m not in the club

you know and i mean that’s what it felt like to me

right but you people are there is always

gonna be backlash

when whenever anyone

successful i don’t have to tell you that oh yeah

and i didn’t fight

which makes it even tough

you know people are always looking

for some reason why you’re fucked up when you are more

successful than them they’re always

looking for some reason why it’s

them or you know it’s you and not them

you know people get upset

other people’s success

you know you can feel it

you know i mean i know

i mean i got hate mail

when i was on fear factor

every day there’s no getting around it you’re always

gonna get someone who’s fucking mad at you

about this yeah

he said that or

you don’t deserve this or you’re

short or you’re bald or it’s just

constant people you don’t even know just want

before the internet

with did that even

exist though i

had a website

and i think

the internet’s just hate yeah

well it’s not that the internet

is hate dude the internet is an outward

expression of how people feel people are

frustrated and

angry and and look

we’ve been shown that we live in a

place where we have a fake economy

that is recognized as fake by everybody but we’re

still pretending that it’s real we

print up money

nobody understands

where it all goes everybody’s

fucked the banks are making billions we don’t know how

there’s a lot of frustration and

anger in this world

and if you’re anonymous you fucking make fuck

stick on the rogan board

and you just decide to be a cunt

you know it’s just so easy to

lash out you know dane cook

could suck my dick you know

i asked for questions and of course most people

like on my message board

most people real cool shit there are

some interesting questions for you

but there was a few that were just so fucking douchey

right you’re

never gonna get away from that

those are people

too that they really want so badly to perpetuate

a moment or something

cause they wanna see the fucking battle they

wanna see the battle and there’s also this

thing where they don’t

wanna see anybody ever forgiven for anything they

might have done in the past

right because they can’t yeah they can’t yeah

like and then makes it okay that they can’t if

you can or we can’t yeah

i think i lost you

a couple of cans back but yeah no totally it’s it

you know there’s just a lot of people in this

world that not just they don’t just feel shitty

but they’re

lashing out they

lash out at

other people

they do it for no reason like i

could imagine like

if you don’t like a

movie like i saw a serious man last night

it was fucking terrible why

would you watch that it

had like all

these stars on it don’t you have

four tomatoes

five stars dude

i didn’t go to rot tomatoes

i should have

it was a coen brothers

movie too and i love the coen brothers and

some really interesting parts in it

but there was a part of the end

where i was like oh my god it

ended it just ended

it just like okay now the

movies over

out of nowhere

way worse than

this i was i accepted the sopranos i was figure like

this is a long

story it’s over that makes sense

this was just like i don’t even know

these characters all

sudden boom it’s over

so i wrote on twitter

i was like a serious man seriously fucking sucked

you know i was

like well am i a hater am i doing that too but i’m like

no but i’m this

is i’m a fucking reviewer here now i’m a

reviewer now you fuck me out of two

hours of my time i feel like i deserve something back

yeah plus you

said it is joe rogan not fucking make fuck

stick or whatever

yeah i think

the message

boards would be i

tried it on my

board for a while

tried to make everybody put a

picture of themselves and said

maybe we’d be nice to each other

if we used our

actual photo as an avatar

but it only lasted

for like a little bit everybody wanted to be fucking

darth vader or some

chick sucking a dick

somebody like

all the avatars on my

board are all

chick sucking dick somebody likes

blizzard or somebody just recently

tried to do that

where you had to have your real name on

their message

board but then all these

yeah right yeah

blizzard yeah the

those game guys

right yeah yeah do you do get you’re a

gamer right

you do it like online

gaming a lot or not like i used to i mean i used to

you know have pc

stuff and then

you know i did console for a little bit but it

takes up too much time yeah man not like it once in a

while i’ll still do like call of duty or something but

you want to play for 11

hours in a row when you

do that i get so addicted to online

video games

they’re so addictive

when quake first person

shooters i’ve talked

about this many times i

used to play 10

hours a day

no bullshit

that’s how we actually kind of really first met

that’s how we met bob

before the big

big breakup but it was like

i remember you tell me

about alienware computers and all that shit

so i went out and got one i

basically got with the computer he told me he had

which i didn’t have the

money for at

the time but just like i got this it’s a rig and

area 51 fucking

i went and got it i was living in the shitty little

studio on hacienda

and all i had was

a fucking futon

and my alienware computer

it i don’t really know anybody out here anyway when i

first came out

but i jump on with joe once while and

think like our quake

or whatever

he would like just destroy

right he just like not even destroy it was not even

fun it was not even like

we talked about this

it was just bad it was like beyond rape

yeah he would

do the like kill me like 99 times in a row i don’t even

think i killed you once

maybe in like

three hour period now i’m like joe

i need to stop

i need to stop

dude not only

would joe be plasma

rifling me up my ass

like every other hit

but then i’d hear through his whatever the headset like

be doing something else

which made it even fucking

worse like i

could tell he was not even

completely focused

and i’m fucking

sweating and doing that

thing where i’m like trying to

sound like i’m not fucking raging i’m like

good shot joe

turn off the mic i’m like fuck come on

quake is one of

those games for

those who don’t know it it’s a first person

shooter where you’re running down these

3d mazes and you have all these different gun options

and it’s one of those games that relies

very heavily on playing it all the time

so the mouse and the keyboard

literally become like an extension of your mind

and you can get it to do what you want it to do

cause you’re so comfortable with the movements

you don’t think about

it’s wasd use the keys to move backward

and strafe side to side but you don’t think

about it you just do it

it’s just like i’m going to the

right when i go to the

right i’m thinking to the

right and as i’m

thinking my fingers are moving

and you get totally synced up with it

you have to do it like 8 10 hours a day to do that

so i was obsessed

i’d go online that’s what i would do

and i’d be like having conversations with my chick

and i’d be thinking i

could be playing quick right now right

i tried to pretend that i wanted to see a

movie with her

i was a complete junkie what was

weird is that you were really competitive

with the game

where like i

would just hide in the toilet

paper roll of the unreal bathroom

map and just sit there and snipe people

where you’re more like kill

kill everyone number

seconds it’s what you

know my leftover martial arts days there’s

still some work to be done in the back of my head so

just running down hallways

shooting people this thing is so satisfying it’s so fun

i remember it was over when i was at fry’s

electronics trying to buy like shit that i didn’t

think he had

i’m like is there a mouse that has

every button already on like what can i do to fucking

have one one advantage and guys never beat

me by the way guys do the same

thing that i did to you to me

it wasn’t it wasn’t that many guys but

every now and then you run into

like a chinese virgin some thirteen year old kid who

doesn’t give a fuck

and he just

every day fifteen

hours a day just

staring through his bifocals at that fucking screen

blasting dude oh man dudes

would rape me it

would happen all the time and i

would be like how

the fuck i thought it was good

guys would gun

you down and hit you with rail guns impossible shots

you just you showed up for a

second you’re dead like

motherfucker

some guys are just

just on another level

and now kids have all the modded controllers

you know i’m just

using a regular control so i’m like i’m never

going to have the advantage anymore they’ve got like

these you know whatever wolfpack fucking

sticks and it’s like nine

deal with the console

you know the console

is not as precise and they did a thing with

microsoft started

they did a competition between console guys against

keyboard guys

yeah but you’d

never play that you get used to the

point if everyone’s doing the same

controller then everyone’s on the same page you know

but the same controller isn’t as precise why

would you use that person you can

get really good at it i mean you can’t get as good

right for what you like to play your kind of

first death

destruction son

you just want to win

the most connection between you and what you’re doing

but you know how fun it is to get on your xbox and

go oh carlos monsea

is playing call

of duty let’s kill him a little bit it’s so fun

do you ever kill him

i played him once really yeah

is he any good no no

really yeah

kick his ass

i don’t think i

think i was more just like

watching him talking around

see like i said i hang out in the toilet

does he play

lights does he

play like joe

i’m a video game boyer

nice shot man

i went to his website

the other day for something because

every now and then i like to

read his twitter

and go what the fuck it’s just so strange

so i went to his website and it said

one of the most feared comedians in the country

that’s like on his bio on the

front of his yeah

he’s the punisher one of the most feared

like what a

crazy thought you talk

about the wrong

psychology for comedy

one of the most feared you want to be a feared comedian

what is that

what does that even really mean that’s so strange

do you collect comics

what the fuck are you talking

about we’re talking

about carl spencer

i know don’t be

changing gears like that that’s

ridiculous wow

we’re talking

about someone

completely crazy

yeah i don’t

really know what that means who wants to be a feared

comic that’s horrible it’s a horrible way of thinking

you want people to fear you who is

gonna fear you the audience

other comedians

well he what he likes to do and you know he talked

about on the mark baron

podcast i thought it was really fascinating

yeah i heard that to it

though when he

called back

what’s that

cause he went

in and that was kind of you

know it was

weird marin was like it was very strange

very strange conversation but

i didn’t understand why marin didn’t

understand that he’s

completely insane

right carls is like

gone he’s like

bipolar or something like there’s something wrong

but when he

started talking

about about the

during the podcast what was it exactly

shit now i’m trying to remember

fuck

god damn it i can’t remember what the

crazy part was

oh one of the

crazy ones was

did you tell me this one that he was saying that some

troops that someone was

thinking about killing themselves

would they read his shit and

or they saw him perform and

they didn’t kill themselves that yeah no it wasn’t me

i’m making shit up now now i’m just giving them rumors

but he was talking about how he would go on

stage in front of guys on purpose

to make them feel bad

that he would yeah he would

do an hour and he talked

about how he did it to mark marin he talked

about how he did it to what’s that dude’s name um

steve trevino

first time steve trevino ever got the headline

carlos went on right before him and did like an hour

25 minutes yeah

crazy but when he was talking about

he comes like

like he’s pained that he did it that’s the

thing that’s we that i don’t associate

with it’s fake i had to

man it’s what i had to do it’s like why

i think he’s like

he’s like he’s broken i

was your like a

legit sociopath where

it doesn’t he

doesn’t feel emotions way everybody else does

and i don’t think he

feels when he’s hurt either he’s got like this

weird block

going on it’s very strange

i think you’re talking

about my brother now

i think we’re talking

about a lot of people there’s a book written

recently called the

enemy amongst us or something like that something

along those lines

and it was all

about sociopaths

about how many people amongst us really

don’t feel emotions they just pretend they do to fit in

but they don’t fear

the consequences of

their actions they don’t worry

about hurting

other people’s feelings

yeah you know

that’s a fucking

real problem there’s a lot of people like that

yeah i think i’m on the fucking complete

other side of that man i’m one of

those people i feel like i feel everything

well to be a

comic you have to be fucked up

right i mean

we would all

admit to that

you have to be sensitive you

have to be insecure

you have to be there’s

got to be something inside of you that wants attention

so badly that it’s willing to go through

those early days

right because

you know if you’re not fucked up you’re

gonna find something better you’re

gonna find something that

doesn’t hurt so much

you know but that need to be special

it’s got to be so strong

that you’re willing to get through the bombing right

right i just

remember being so afraid in because i was like the

complete not only introverted

but i was like i had like anxiety i had social anxiety

i still really do actually it’s

funny because i can do

huge fucking arenas

if the meet and

greet’s 10 people i’m like

all right what are we doing

but in high

school it was really bad

and i remember feeling like that

first time i got a

laugh that like

broke up a moment

and it was like oh

that’s the fucking weapon

right there totally

i want people to fear my comedy what what is that

my first one i did out of anger

i had this really shitty math

teacher it was always mean

and she would just

treat you like you were really dumb if you didn’t

understand things

and she was a

black lady and she was

doing this thing on

stage or on

stage she was doing this

thing in front of the

chalkboard but she

was writing something down i wasn’t paying attention

and she goes mr rogan

would you like to come up here and do both of

these questions for the

class and i said

would you like me to do both of

those questions

and everybody went fucking

crazy like dudes

could not help it they just

laughing and people

slamming books down

and then she kicked me out i got

sent home for the day but i remember

thinking like at that moment like yeah

i just got that

bitch yeah yeah yeah

that’s when the

soundtrack starts man no i know

i know after that it was like i

mean she’s being mean to me you know it was like and i

shut her down in

front of everybody was like damn that was my

first heckle

i just remember skipping

school one day

and i was at brigham’s

brigham’s sure and i was just sitting there in my

mr hall the guy who was like the house

dean came up and also he just sat in

front of me

like i was busted

and he goes

and i was starting to do like plays or like write

stuff and he goes he goes listen man he goes

i know school’s not for you he was the

first person to like

because i know

school’s not for you

i know that theater and you know making people

laugh you’re kind of a caught up now he goes

that’s really what you

should do i know

you want to be a comedian that’s what you should do

first person to ever tell me you

should do that

yeah so nice

to have someone there to say something like that yeah i

never had anybody tell me that

everybody told me i sucked

my own mom told me she didn’t think i

should go into comedy because i wasn’t very funny

i think that’s

more of a mom protecting herself oh it was for

sure but for sure but

god damn lady

my girlfriend

my girlfriend does that she

doesn’t want me to do

comedy because she’s

just like she

watches her friend do it and it’s embarrassing she

feels bad and she’s like oh you don’t want to she just

doesn’t want you to eat it

yeah watching somebody eat is hard

my friend eddie

you know we’ve talked

about that i got

eddie to do

stand up nine times

he’s a funny guy he says like really

funny shit right

always and i’m like dude you

could totally be a

comic i’m like

within two years of fucking around and practicing

you’ll be open up for me on the road i’ll help you

i’ll cut out a lot of the time the development time

like dude you

could be a comic

just listen to me i can help you

fuck yeah i’m

gonna do this how i do this

and he just fucking

over and over the bombings were so disastrous

it was so hard to watch it’s

funny how like people that we know that are funny

and when they try

it’s almost like they land on

stage the furthest

place from what really actually makes them

funny and fucking interesting

yeah well they just don’t know how to be perceived

they just get confused as to how they

should be perceived

it’s just they want to like

they wanna like

somehow know that like fit this mold of what they

think is gonna be

funny it’s like

the connection between them and the audience is so

distant and

fucked up and

jagged and there’s

barbed wire in the way

just it’s for most people they don’t

understand that in

order to be able to be yourself

and get on stage and talk in

front of somebody

you have to like

really know what the fuck you

how you’re coming off you have to really know yourself

in a way that a lot of people aren’t comfortable

looking at themselves yeah you

have to it’s

about being

revealing and then finally not giving a fuck anymore

that people

don’t like what they see

and then you

can slowly find the people that like what they see and

build the last from there man

and it’s gotta

be a real not give a fuck it can’t be i’m pretending

to not give a fuck like you have to have mastered it to

enough where you’ve

understood the situation and you’ve assessed it

and you’ve been objective

about the whole

relationship between

you and the audience over and over

again so many times

that you completely master

that and then you’re comfortable with the experience

and then only then can you go up

there and just be yourself and fuck around and be funny

but until you hit that vibe that one groove

you know you’re just

going up there

going clunky dude

like clunk clunk

you just please love me

you just like please what can i do to make a

connection with you and you get it like little bits oh

touch a little

but it doesn’t grab you and hug you you know

the beginning days

every now and then you’re like you would

crack like one bit that was like ooh it has

something there

and people would laugh

like i think there’s something there yeah i

think i’m touching

gold there’s gold under here and we keep digging

fuck it’s hard you listen to

yourself a lot like you record your sets and i really i

never used to

until you know you make cds and then you have to

which is brutal

and also i mean i remember

i listened to the

first cd and i went okay

at that point in my life

there was no

real drama in my life there was

nothing dramatic

about my life

it was pretty easy going

a lot of my

first stuff was

very nostalgic and very

we kind of like this is the

stuff i grew up with we it’s fun that’s what i knew

and as i listen to that

i was like alright two

things first of all when i listen to myself

like i would say

forty percent of it

there’s no words it was just physicality

and that was when i started really getting passionate

about vernacular and wanting to build up

a language and paint better stories with words

and not only that but i started having

things happen in my life in my personal life with

especially my folks

that really were like are you know

what i’m not a kid anymore who just goes up and talks

about fucking or

you know frat you

know kind of humor

drinking it was like i have real issues real problems

but now how do i turn a corner and how can i

you know it takes a

while to be able to

not reinvent but

have a metamorphosis

on stage with

truth and like

where you’re at in your life do you feel that

all the criticism that you’ve gotten and i can say this

for myself all the criticism that i’ve gotten even the

stuff that hurts and even the

stuff that was

wrong and just hurtful

it helps me

absolutely it’s improved me

even the douchebags

have improved me because it’s made me

look at myself through

their eyes and go okay do they have a point

like what is it

about me that’s offensive to them what is it

about me that they don’t like yeah you know

and then you see it and you go oh okay i can see how

maybe i’m being kind of douchey

or like i’ve

had bits for my old cds

where i would like to go back and

change and i was like i don’t even want that being

a representative of my

thinking i don’t

look like that anymore old specials that air and

people just discover you and they’re like

oh is that what you do yeah

i go to england

a lot and i love it over there but i had an old

bid about just shitting on england

how fucking

stupid it was

right now the

women are disgusting

and it was just a mean bit for no reason

i just met a couple english people and like i just

wrote this crazy bit

but now it’s like

what i say like i don’t really

think that way anymore this is just douchey shit

i definitely look back

no regrets because

everything builds you up to

where you’re at but

for me when it was like okay i finally hit i

crossed over

and i remember i had a moment

where i was like okay

when all the djs in the country were really talking

about me that’s when i knew i was in trouble

that’s when i really batten

down the hatches and i was like alright i know what

two years from now i know the way this is

gonna go and i know the way it’s

gonna come back and you know what

i just took it

i took it all on the chin

i pretty much fucking just

kept showing up

doing my thing because

when the pendulum

swings into the good area

it’s going the same fucking direction in the

other area man it’s really so there’s a real

backlash for somebody who works hard to get attention

that’s a weird

thing about people

when you work

hard to get attention if you get attention

and people like

people love dave chappelle

one of the things i love

about dave chappelle is he’s very reclusive

he goes on stage like

weird he’ll show up in a park with a fucking pa

system and do a show

right it’s weird

but when people promote a lot

and people get

their name out there a lot

there’s a backlash for that always

why is that i don’t know

man what the

fuck is that i got that why me i did that because

i in nineteen ninety

eight i was sitting around

doing nothing for most of the day

except waiting for sets i just come out here

and i was watching a documentary on fucking punk bands

and they were showing them put up like

hey we’re dragon face and

literally nailing

their flyers to telephone poles

and i remember sitting there

going like this is what i need to do whatever the

modern version of that is i need to fucking build

a fan base i need to like some kind of

grassroots thing cause i’m

you know i don’t want this to pass me by and

and then what

do i have nothing i’m good at nothing else

i’m really shitty

at a lot of

things in this world

really bad i

think that’s the only way you ever make it as a

comic if i had

other career paths

my other career path was

brain damage my

other career path was kickboxing

what am i gonna do i’m

gonna get brain damage

for no money

or i’m gonna become a

comic well i don’t have any other

skills i don’t have a college degree what the fuck am i

gonna do i can’t work

i’m a shitty worker

i would show up at construction gigs i’d last two weeks

pocket the money and then

fucking quit like fuck this i

would like tar

roofs and it was like half a day and i’m out yeah

yeah boston man

those people fucking work hard

and you know that there’s

an east coast

worth ethic

because of the fact that it snows there

and it gets

deathly cold in the winter

people are hard

they fucking work man they get up

at seven in the morning and they’re at work by

eight and they fucking work all day in the snow

in the sun 90 fucking degrees out hammering

nails that’s a hard gig bro

doing construction in boston

and it’s like you’re doing that but when you know

those people are coming to your shows

probably why the guys before us it’s like you

better give them a fucking show fuck yeah you better

give everything

you got a really hard job

where you come home tired

and you just been a

guy who kind of went from college to comedy and kind of

drifted through

you don’t appreciate people’s attention spans true

yeah people

especially on friday

night 10 o’clock show they’re fucking

tired right

they’re tired

yeah you know

those people worked all day and they’ve been

drinking yeah

a comedy is such a fucking strange thing man

it’s so strange it’s like it is our

connection with something

that’s what it is it’s like everybody’s got

their own connection to it

and everybody’s trying to figure

out how this guy connected and how is he connected

but you’re the

best guy at connecting with the internet

you are the very reason why i

started myspace page

i read an article

about you in people

magazine i was at my dermatologist

checking to see if i had a fucking

staff infection

cause i do jiu jitsu

you get zits you

gotta get them

checked out

cause there

might be staff

so i’m sitting there and i’m reading this

article in people magazine

and it said you had 300 000 myspace fans

and i was like

you fucking imagine

i go 300 000 people you

could just send out an

email with 300 000 people i’m like that’s incredible

i’m like that’s fucking brilliant so i

started a myspace page that day

and i hired my friend duncan to take care of it

my friend duncan

got a job and my friend duncan’s job was just

add friends to the myspace page and

i’d send him blogs and he put up my blogs and shit like

that i love it how attached

you seem like you always are it seems like you answer

almost everyone’s

like i’ve talked

to so many people that you’ve answered like tweets or

myspaces or facebook

are you really on the internet that much are you that

do you have like a

staff no man i

never had anybody else log into my

stuff ever it was always

always me still

always how much time a day do you

spend responding to

emails and do you

still use myspace no

i don’t even date cook gave up on you bitch

sorry myspace

is over they need

they fucked up

dane cook gives up on myspace that’s like teela

tequila that

bitch is still on

she’s still

swing they fucked up though isn’t she

they don’t take care of

their home they don’t

they don’t and they

haven’t touched it

since and it’s are so many

stupid things like adding friend requests you know that

is hard there’s to

they’re not sexy anymore you know something

something else sexier came

along that got it

right you got it

right simplicity

not letting you put fucking glitter tags and

every time i

go to your page

music starts playing

and weird hearts fall that fucking

freeze the page

but you always had

the best pages man like on myspace and just personally

do you do it your design yourself

of course you

do i learned html code man i bought like html for

dummies because i

literally had

nothing to do all day and if i wasn’t playing

video games right

i was fucking

bored man right i was

bored and i wanted to i

treat honestly it was like alright this is politics

i need to shake hands

i need to kiss fucking

babies cause i

cause i want

i want money

and i don’t

wanna live in this fucking shitty

apartment with

i think like don

barriss live downstairs

no way he would just be fucking

dreaming and fucking

them of course

to embarrass

people don’t know he hosts a

thing called the ding dong

show at the comedy store

and it’s all the most

psychotic open micers

there’s certain open mindkers that are like

completely delusional and

absolutely insane

and their acts are just so bizarre

that you can’t believe they’re real well don

barris puts on a show specifically with

those people

fucking genius but

he’s always surrounded by nuts and you were polanski in

windy city heat

right you did man that was one of my favorite

movies that’s one of

my favorite

things i’ve done

i just rewatched

and i was like holy shit that’s dane cook

the first time i

never realized

it was you and i

still have not seen that

i still have not seen

it’s great it’s a poet

for people don’t know they punk this guy for a

whole movie

right and kimmel pretty much swept in made a

whole movie yeah

pretended this guy was

famous and they had the guys

crazy i mean they’re

basically taking advantage of

perry percy

right he was always at the comedy

store the guy was always there

and they had this guy convinced that he was famous

and it worked but

basically it’s kind of sad i mean they’re picking on

a it is sad

until you finally hear the

stuff that wasn’t in the

movie and just how fucking evil he is oh he’s

crazy he’s crazy

because you

know i feel like he’s just a broken person yeah yeah

well he’s weird

he’s a weirdo

he’s broken

yeah it’s weird that

like being a facebook friend with him too because he is

still talking

about that movie

today oh so you know his facebook

address i want to

leave his read his

crazy shit oh yeah

i fucked up

read i fucked up and

ted haggard banned me

i was loving

reading his crazy shit

yeah who’s your favorite twitters and people to follow

on like twitter and do you have any like guilty like

ted nugents or anything like that i wish ted

nugent was on twitter i

tried to find him he wasn’t in there ted

nugent’s not on there no

damn it fuck

i got all kinds of

crazy dudes online

i love it it’s like a

party that i put together

with all these nutty people that

should never be together

there’s a thing called flipbook now too you

gotta get this app man on your ipad what is it

it’s a fucking

app that makes

you plug into your facebook or twitter

and it turns whatever your feed is into a

magazine yeah

with the pictures in

like a magazine so whatever the links are

it makes it like an

article like hollywood reporter or people

magazine and you flip through

and then it’s just like it’ll

be your fucking face with one of your quotes

got to see this man’s school

already report type

shit it’s like

it’s cool dude

it’s also good as

pulse so none of you use that i got

pulse yeah that’s

could good yeah

yeah want it basic

i love the ipad

i got it i’ve been working on

an app to cuz now that’s the new

thing that it’s like you know now everybody

you know wants you got to be in somebody’s pocket

right people don’t want to fucking

log into a site anymore it’s like dude i don’t want to

i don’t want to mess with all that just

be in my fucking

pocket got an app that we’re working on

right now for this podcast

for libson libson

the company that’s hosting us

they make apps for you

so it’s really cool

when they host your podcast i’ll make you an iphone app

yeah you have a couple iphone apps are used to have

i took them all off

i did have one with xanel

and those guys which was

great they did an amazing job but

i got a company working on a new app now with

you know just the

whole push notification

thing because

i mean i think one of the

best companies out there for like when people talking

about promoting how can i promote

i’m a you know

musician i’m a comedian whatever

is like these

things like say now

you know what say now

is you call up and

leave a little

voice message yeah but it hits

everybody everybody who joined your say now

if you send a text

it’s a hundred percent

fucking guarantee

everybody’s

gonna get it you can go regional if you’re

going into new york do shows

you can hit new york with a say now

voice message hey tickets

today if you guys want to come see me it’s last minute

as opposed to myspace or whatever you’re hitting like

04 percent of people who twitter

like if they don’t see that

stream 20 minutes

later if you repeat it like

and then everybody’s like you’re spamming yeah

it’s like promotionally

when we want to get the word out

so it’s like mailing you

a few people that i actually go to

their twitter page

and like read

personal tweets

right just to see

but you have

to do that you have to go back like oh this is

funny or this is a cool link

like you have to go there’s no way you’re

gonna catch it

if you have like

tweet deck or something like that there’s no way you’re

gonna catch it just you gotta

how many people

do you follow you follow a lot of people i like 70

that’s it mm hmm

damn i follow hundreds i

think i follow like 500 people yeah i like to

keep more in

it yeah and i was

missing so much that like but now you can do lists i

haven’t done there’s just so many

people on there

there’s so many cool people to follow

right i love like seeing like

religious people

right next to porn stars yeah i

love when they

tweet back to

right when it’s all

right there

you feel like you’re

doing something to them by forcing them to cooperate

together if this is a

party this would

never fucking work

if you invited

these people to hang out

yeah i bring politicians

and porn stars and you know i try to just make it as

weird as possible any fucked up person

haters i find a lot of haters i add them to

all kinds of

weird fucking people man i will say this i have

every email

that everybody’s ever written me are you serious

yeah i figured out like this method

with mac mail years ago of like

and i have everything in folders man it’s kind of

crazy but i have

every military

email i have

every fucking like i’ve one called weirdos

and it’s just

bad shit crazy

you should publish a book on that i

should man i’ve had a

couple of interesting

stalkers dude

i’ve had a couple

of fucking really really yeah you want me to throw them

a little shout out

the story that we were talking about before the the

doing this that’s one of the reasons why i won’t talk

about on the air yeah yeah them to know

that it’s that interesting all right

there’s a bunch though i’m sitting there

right now going as me as me

my favorite was the carlos monsea

mail that we got

after that video how much like

crazy oh angry people

angry mexicans oh

which is terrible writing i mean

i saved a bunch of them i had a

whole folder called carlos fans

just the most ridiculous messages that i got

they’re shocking

just shocking how dumb some people are out there yeah

what’s weird about the whole text messaging and

everything like somebody

i know i’m not

gonna say who it is calls me all the time

never texts me and i won’t even answer the

phone anymore because it’s just like

stupid questions

i think the phone calls

dying i think to the

point where i do too you know i’d rather do

text i like making calls in my car

yeah i like your length when i’m

hooking up to the bluetooth i can have cool

conversations you know when i’m driving for an hour

somewhere just wait

till you could

text though like no why

would i want to do that when i can have a conversation

there’s like there was

an accident

in the car that’s silly

you would rather

text and have a conversation

huh yes really

you’re some

weird you are

disconnected

my problem is i have like a really

weird creative head

where i get

thought i start thinking

about something and somebody calls me during that

i i i lose it so like i just

connect my phone man

yeah i know but then

i don’t know that’s all i’d rather

be in this mode and go

don’t do it no

then you’re not committing

i told you that

right room that

program that i use yes this is what i do i

disconnect the

phone i shut off my cell phone

i tell everybody

leave me the fuck alone

i’m gonna write

and then that’s it i go back there

and that right with

right room all you see is have you ever used that

for right no

no shit check this out yeah

but like my mom this is how

right listen your mom talk to my mom

for 15 minutes i went and

shoot myself

check this out

when you use it it um

it makes it turn in a tron

the whole this is all you see on your desk i see

great i see is green text and

black screen you can’t

you can’t access your your task bar that’s smart

you can’t do anything the only

thing you do is you know you

could quit and you know that’s

smart man and that keeps you

focused totally focused and i shut my phones off

cause i write and i end up seeing shit pop up yeah

ah yeah or you

know just think

maybe i should just beat off and then you just go

start checking out porn sites and

spanking one off

yeah i hear you’re writing a book right now

i’m trying yeah

that shit’s hard man that’s one of the hardest

things i’ve ever fucking

taken on i’m writing one

right now and i won’t let anybody help me

you know people came were like

you can hire this guy and no one will ever know and

and so and so used them and i’m like

first of all that’s pathetic

and secondly fuck i

this i want this to be the hardest

thing that i ever accomplished

yeah i want to make sure that everyone knows

that every word is in a certain order

because i wrote it

it is it’s all of it

right it’s the best

representation that i can come up with of my thoughts

yeah you know you’re a

great writer i mean i’ve read some of your

stuff it’s like

you don’t need any help in that department well

thank you but i

think everybody does

you know i think

you use in the beginning

especially you could use

someone else’s eye

you know someone else

who sees what

you’re doing and has a different opinion on

things i think that’s

it’s very beneficial yeah i mean

i’ve given my

stuff you know to

friends or you

know people that i

trust to read it

after the fact but so in that

sense they help

i mean you get feedback

i think i’m

definitely a better writer now because of all the

feedback that i’ve gotten from people over the years

it’s like the same

it’s like comedy in a way

but the thing is you know it’s like

your connection with

the writing

sometimes it’s

it’s such a hard

thing to describe

but sometimes the words come to you when you’re writing

you know when you’re on

stage you’re performing and you know you know

you’ll get in the groove and you’ll

bits will come to you at a thin air

but there’s something even crazier

about it when you’re writing

cause when you’re writing sometimes i’ll get through a

whole paragraph

then i’ll go back and read i go god damn

where the fuck did that even come

from yeah yeah

it’s like it just came out of

space it’s like

i’m in this weird

semi conscious

state when i’m

writing we’re just like so zoned into what you’re doing

and as you’re zoned in

sentences just sort of form themselves in your head

and then they change

their position

and no this isn’t the beginning and you read it

again and it offers you another perspective

it just all

starts it’s

like literally like you’re

tuning into something that comes out of

it’s in the air somewhere it

truly is like the most incredible form of therapy

that i could i mean

after my folks passed away

and people were like you

should go talk to somebody and like i was

bringing her on

stage but i wasn’t

and then i started writing

and then reading

some of the shit that i was

writing and realizing i didn’t even know i felt that

because you just get in that fucking zen

place where you’re like

i’m not even looking at the keyboard

i’m just putting

it out there and then you read back and you’re

like oh man i didn’t realize that’s how i connected

those two things together or

so i mean i love writing it’s just

writing a book is

tough man it’s very important for

comics too there’s a lot of guys who don’t like to

write they just like to perform on

stage come up with

funny ideas

which is a great way to do it that way does it

but you’re not

gonna get the best shit

sometimes you’re

gonna get ideas

that come to you when you sit down and just write

and then you

could take those ideas of

stage and fuck around with them and tweak them

but if you just try to go on

stage just come up with

stuff on stage

it’s not the same

right yeah you have

to have like a little kernel of something i mean i can

improv if i know what i want to go up there with but

i hate getting caught just leaning

you know when you’re leaning up

there going like

wow what else

you find it really hard

once you do i find it very

hard once i do a special and then i know i have to do

new shit and then i’m really like piecing

it together i’m always doing a million different

things as once as as

you are too yeah i’m always doing a million different

things so it’s hard to fucking

piece together

those new shit

and then you

gotta do a new show and you’re like fuck

these people probably already seen my special

yeah you know just aired

fucking shit

how much new shit do i got like 40 minutes of new shit

bring that back it’s

forty five but

i don’t even like that but you know you said

kicking things

and i hate bringing

stuff back that i’ve done

before feel so

wrong just feels

rotten feels like you’re a shithead you’re cheating

yeah you’re robbing them or something like that unless

they ask for it if people

scream for it if i can remember it

that’s a problem

like someone to yell out like and nicole smith like

i can’t do it

that bit’s like

seven minutes

long and i don’t even know i know some of the

punch lines

this may sound

super fucking cheesy or something like bon jovi

would do but during my last tour i would

bring somebody up out of the crowd

and i’d be like you know the fucking kool aid bit

cause i haven’t done it in

12 years and they

do it they do it fucking

and i’m watching them act out

and they know the kick that i

would do or

whatever physical

thing and i’m just like this is crazy

that’s actually pretty

fucking cool

you know i started out

doing comedy one of the reasons why i did come in the

first place was

reenacting comedians

bits that i saw on tv to my friends

i was like 18 19 like

i remember there was a girl that i was working

with i was working at the boston athletic club in

south boston

and i was a fitness trainer

this girl that was working there had seen sam kennison

on hbo and so she comes up to me and she goes you

gotta see this comedian he’s so fucking funny

he does this bit

about it’s the craziest

thing i’ve ever seen

she gets down on

her stomach in the parking lot doing sam kennison’s bed

about the people having sex with

the gay guys having sex with the corpses yeah

yeah and she’s

lying down in the parking lot at the boss

athletic club

and she’s like

so here these guys are that’s how he does it

here these guys are

the line on the

slabs like oh my god i’m

gonna go to heaven i’m

gonna be with

jesus and oh oh

what is this

it seems like

some guys got his dick in my ass

oh you mean life keeps

sucking the ass even if you’re dead

it never ends

she did that bit

for me in the parking lot and i was howling laughing

and i instantly became obsessed with

stand up comedy

and with sam kennison i was like

i have to go watch this

this is the craziest

thing i’ve ever seen

it took a long time to fucking i

gotta get a vhs copy of it

right and i finally got to

see it i was like holy shit so

would you say

that was obviously one of the moments that like

to find your formative years in

stand up comedy

yeah there was

that and there was when i was a little kid i was

about 13 my parents took me to see live on the

sunset strip

and richard pryor

yeah to my parents were hippies

yeah and my

sister was like

twelve she went to shit

right and so we’re in this theater

and i remember

laughing so fucking hard i couldn’t believe it

it’s kind of

funny about

stand up comedy man because richard

pryor was one of the most brilliant ever for sure but

honestly when you watch it

today some of it is very dated

it doesn’t hit me the

way it hit me back then and that’s the case with

music that’s the case with a lot of

things lenny

bruce is one of the

greatest i’ve ever and one of the most important

pioneers of comedy ever

it’s very hard to

laugh at his

stuff now because the

culture changes people’s perceptions change

and comedy changes and

the comedy that you do

today would probably be too

shocking for people

who lived it’s like

comedy is defined by its certain era

so if you go back and

watch live on the

sunsets trip

today it’s not

gonna hit me like it hit me when i was thirteen

but when i was thirteen i didn’t know anything

about comedy

i couldn’t believe there was someone actually saying

these things

and he was saying it’s so perfectly

i was crying

laughing and

i remember looking around at this theater i’ll

never forget this people were

moving forward in the

chairs and rocking back and forth

and i was thinking i’ve

never seen anyone

laugh like this

in a movie and this guy’s just talking

right i’m like i was

thinking about

stripes cause

stripes had been out at the time

which is one of the

greatest comedy

movies ever i’m like it’s not this funny

nothing is this

funny this is

crazy this guy’s just talking

and that was the

first big seed that was huge

that was just

the seed of my fascination would

stand up but

until i got people

that told me that i

could do it i did not

think i could do it

i was teaching taekwondo and

fighting in tournaments and

these guys that i

would train with

i would make em

laugh in the locker room and on the way to tournaments

cause everybody was scared on the way to tournaments

we’re gonna

get kicked and

punched and shit it’s fucking terrifying

and a lot of guys got

knocked out and you get to see your friends get

knocked unconscious by getting kicked in the head

so there was a lot of gallows

humor on these trips

so i would always be the guy that

would like do

impressions of

all the different teammates having gay sex and all that

stupid shit

and that’s how i got to talk to the dude in

stand up comedy man

fuck it some

stand up comedy is

gotta be one of the fucking

weirdest jobs ever

enter in ever

cause no one

could tell you how to do it yeah

there’s and trying to tell

other people what it really is we

could talk all day

you just you know

when you’re

you gotta be in the fucking mix

when you’re

at your best when you’re locked on

stage and crushing

don’t you feel

or do you feel

cause this is how i feel i feel like

i’m just riding it

i feel like i’m a passenger

you know i feel like i’m

tuned into this whole

thing yeah i feel like as

everything’s coming out

and i’m hitting all the things

it’s almost like i’m just

i’m just i’m on autopilot i mean i’m in some

crazy groove

where i’m getting to watch this

and i’m getting to

experience the words coming out of my

mouth as they happen i have no idea

how the fuck it’s all working so

smoothly i really can’t even take credit for it

that’s interesting because i like i can’t

speak anywhere

near as flawlessly as when i’m on

stage if i tried to tell you a bit

i will stammer i will fucking not remember

and i can groove on

stage sometimes like surfing

where you’re like i don’t know how i’m staying up

right wave for an hour just like

there’s that intensity

that there’s an intensity of communicating with people

you know just like

every cylinder

everything in your

brain just goes

it just all

fires up and it

cranks there’s that

steve martin

born standing up

where he goes

i can feel it in my fingernails i

point out i

can feel it in my foot the way it just moves and

plants i can

every part of my body

feels like it’s emitting fucking

stand up but yet he hated it

being a standard oh my god well

what he hated

is the adulation that came when he became immediately

gigantically successful

and he couldn’t get

an honest response from people anymore

they would start

screaming and

cheering as soon as they saw him

and he would do

these gigantic

arenas that he couldn’t

control and they were just totally out of control

which happens to

a lot of guys when they get big like you know chappelle

when he was touring he

would be really frustrated

after the rick james

sketch came out

because people

would be yelling out

everywhere i’m rick

james bitch

he could be in the middle of

setup some ripped

chains bitch

and they couldn’t

kick out enough people it was just it was too nutty

that to me honestly when dice was at his peak when i

first was watching the hbo specials

i watch young comedian

specials and then he had that i remember feeling like

how the fuck can i do this

but not be a character

how can i do this and be as real

still be an

entertainer

still be on but be as much me

so there’s none of that fucking

catchphrase

right not to see

people you you know everybody wants to be a little mark

twain you want your shit quoted yes

but not like that right

not like that not a t shirt

right did you get that

weird feeling

you know it’s also like when you are

first starting out in comedy how old were you when you

first got on stage 19

i was 18 18 18

i was i was 21

and i was not a

fully formed person yet you know

right so it’s like

when you’re on

stage i don’t

think i’m talking

i don’t know if i am yet either

i’m sure when i’m 60 i look back at myself now and

go what the fuck kind of shit were you talking stupid

you know that feeling

but i know that

you know i did not have anything to say

there was no reason for me

to be up there talking right

i really didn’t know

who the fuck i was i didn’t know what i was saying i

could show you how to kick somebody in the face

i really didn’t have any

opinions that were

valid on anything else

i mean what the fuck what’s my opinion on anything i

could tell you something silly my

girlfriend did when she was blowing me or something

right i could

you know that’s it but

other than that there’s

who the fuck

are you but

you were and i

threw off a little

bit because you were saying like so then when chappelle

started doing the bigger

shows because yeah even

steve martin

he lost control of the fucking

did you what how

quick was the

jump between you doing clubs and you doing

these giant places

giant arenas

it was actually a slow but

steady trajectory

where when that web stuff

what happened was this in 2001

my first real website that i put up

in combination of napster

starting to get

hot and me uploading all my shit to that with the link

i literally uploaded clips with me at the end going

visitingcook com

at the end of every 20

second clip

then comedy

central i did a half hour presents that i thought

would are fucking

twat i’m like okay

the one with you in the tank top

the tank top

dude i thought all

right you know what

this will air a couple of times

maybe i gotta

light a fire i’m not wearing a bowling fucking

shirt with the same

i don’t want to

look like what anybody else did i just want to do some

crazy shit maybe people fucking pay attention

never realizing they were

gonna air it

five times a week for like two years

it built my

whole fan base

and almost immediately went from a few hundred

seaters to you know a couple thousand

and then i’m doing all the college

stuff in over

three four five years

the emails the instant messages

doing those schools

renting out the

arenas at the

schools and it just built

how much time do you

spend every day talking to fans

emailing you know facebook and twitter

and all that shit i’ll tell you man i don’t

i used to talk to everybody i used to

reply to everybody

if that was at the beginning

that was like from two thousand two thousand five

that’s really what i did most of my day

and then i got to a

point where

you don’t need to read all the fucking

crazy shit that comes back and

there’s just too

too many opinions and too much negativity

so it came down to i’m

replying to

troops if i get letters from like and i can check

check by the

email somebody you know one of our

troops rights

or if it’s like a kid

i write back

i’ve been trolling as a kid for years

don’t assume

don’t assume

you’re talking to

i’ve been talking to joe

i’m writing a log

i’m writing

a book 12 year

old gets advice from dane

no but it took a

while man it

was not like everybody there’s that old expression

or took 20 years to be an overnight sensation

it was a long time and it was not

it was not as instant

maybe as some people thought

it’s got to be satisfying though to

know that you know you went out here and you did some

movies and shit and some

things didn’t connect and didn’t

happen well for you but you did it all on your own

like everything was done through your your own

you figuring out how to self help

self promote and you

changed everybody’s

attitude about it

no comics are good

promoters except

i mean there’s a few it’s very rare but

until you came along

no comics were really good at

self promotion totally

changed my attitude towards you

learn that from your father right

i did man a couple

things that i want to

give credit to joe too

and i told you this a long time ago like you were the

first person to have a website

not only a website but you had cool shit on your

website man you had fucking cool designs and fucking

and that is a

direct result

of my obsession with quake

cause i was obsessed with

quake and i ran into this guy andrew

who was this nut that i met online

from my quake clan

this is how fucked up i was i’d have all

these dudes online from like kentucky and oklahoma

they would come and fly to

california and stay at my house

right this is when i was on newsradio yeah i was on tv

and dudes would come over my house

that i didn’t know

they were just my

quake buddies and they really come over and stay at the

house yeah i’m not bullshitting

i had like five dudes come over my

house and we had a lan

party wow i was so obsessed with this

that i put a

t1 line in my house

because back

then you couldn’t get any fast internet you get isdn

which is not

quick enough

so i said okay how much is the

t1 line it was 1 000

a month i’m like let’s do this okay

so they fucking have to install this business grade

you know internet

line this is that’s why you beat me all

those times you’re a

faster connection for sure

that’s it i was completely

wire to the

336 but what is it’s your ping your ping time

what’s important

you could be on 56 k but if you’re really

close to the server your ping is

fine it’s all

how fast it’s all really just how

much you do it you know just become obsessed with sure

i saw all this you

start to know your

frame rates and we ain’t

gonna fucking

click and bounce and

that’s so dangerous

getting really addicted to

things like that you will lose your life yeah right

did you worry

about doing shit like that like

things that are that eat away your time relationships

marijuana relationships

yeah yeah how dare you

no i’m all listen for me all i ever

all i ever wanted to do is create that’s it

i’m not i don’t have any

other fucking abilities

you know i really

just when i was a kid i had that epiphany moment

where i was like all i really care

about is being around performers talking

about performing

talking about

making something from nothing

and you brought up my dad i was like that’s

my favorite conversations in

life were with him because he was the kind of guy who

would go yeah

you’re a lot of talk dane

i want to see shit

and it was like

he was just

motivating man that’s important

man that’s important having people that don’t totally

completely believe in you

you know it is actually an important

thing the mom

was like oh i

think you’re the

greatest you’re

the best your shoe is so fucking uber supportive

but my dad was

like yeah you’re not really doing anything in order

for you to develop the kind of fortitude that you’re

gonna need to get through

the hard times you have to have something to prove

that’s what i

think i think it’s too hard if you don’t

it’s too hard to really push yourself

right you know

if you don’t have a chip on your

shoulder or something to

prove or some

gap to fill

you’re not gonna do it you’re not

gonna get through that

think about all the guys that we

started out with that were just as good as us

there was a lot of guys that were very commensurate

they were all really

you think of him

what happened to that guy

fuck man like i used to kill

he used to have this one bit

used to destroy and they just

could see that guy on evening at the improv

i could see that guy you know

right headlining and he just stopped

stop doing it

girls too there was this

chick leanne lewis

i was an open micer with her do you remember her

yeah dude she

had some fucking

good bits man

she was still trying to figure out how to go on

stage and develop

but as a comic

as a chick too especially

it was very like honest and out of nowhere and like

well written shit i was like wow this

chick’s gonna be

huge someday like she’s

gonna be like ellen or

just disappeared just fell off just

where’d you go

it’s weird it’s weird

there’s so many fucking

so many slots

so many people

going towards

these slots yeah

and some of them just just too far up the

salmon ladder they just fuck this

i just can’t do it

dan you should use

your hollywood

connections to get

john hughes was just about to

release the

extra hour of planes

trains and automobiles that they filmed

right before he died

what happened to that now

it’s probably all in the family the

family probably owns it and they have to figure out the

rights if that’s

what he wanted i’m sure they’ll probably release it

still why would they want to keep it

they’ve kept it for

what 20 years you know he wasn’t

going to release it ever but then just recently he was

thinking about it

oh well i don’t know

that was awesome

unless it was in as well who knows what the fuck’s

gonna happen

i was telling you before that

you know one

steve martin moment that

was really cause i had dinner with him like a few

months ago he sent me a copy of his book

i was completely

blown away but i’d

never met him i

heard all this

stuff about him that he’s

kinda like you

know maybe not

he’s a little socially awkward all this shit

what a trip it is meeting someone that

famous right

meeting really your hero too

which you don’t want to do by the way

usually you meet your

heroes and you’re like oh that was

kind of sucked

but with him

i was like alright he sent me a copy of his book and i

wrote back just to be like

could i take you out to

lunch and he agreed

so i sat down with him for a little bit and

he’s really really like i’m

i can be shy i can i don’t know

about shy but i can

still be like a little bit you know quiet

but he’s very much like

he won’t say a word i don’t

think if you don’t if you don’t

start the conversation with him

wow but he did say to me at one

point he goes uh

he looked at me kind of like

perplexing he’s

like you look like you really love it up there

and i was like yeah

i really do you know when you’re in the middle of it

and i started

and he goes yeah i

never had that

wow i go never

i go not even at the and he goes

i never had that i

never felt connected when i

thought that

i thought that yeah

that’s so strange

what i have

least in common

with steve martin’s comedy

one of his isn’t that

crazy i wonder

if he’s got some

weird connect in his mind

maybe he’s depressed

maybe a naturally depressed person

well if you read a lot

i read a lot of the

stuff in the new yorker when he

would write oh yeah it was

depressing shit yeah man that letter to my father yeah

that says it all man

read that brian

i was gonna

bring this up but fuck it when when phil hartman was

alive phil hartman was really good friends with

steve martin

and phil hartman

was gonna set

steve martin up with

what i call a coyote

what a coyote is is

these really

kind of crafty professional

chicks that will fuck

celebrity guys in

order to try to get

famous try to figure out some way

this is pre tmz

okay you know now now it’s

like you know you really can fuck someone and all of a

sudden become hugely

famous right

that girl the

jesse james girl

what’s her name bombshell yeah

the mel gibson girl

yeah that girl exactly exactly and then all of a

sudden that actually can parlay

into some sort of

something i mean who knows the fuck you can do but

people have your name they know

who the fuck

you are now

and she was one of

those she was just

kind of creepy she’s like very insincere but really hot

just really beautiful but

you know just kind of something vacuous

there yeah and

phil was gonna set

steve martin up with her

and i forget

who it was one of the cast members was like that is the

creepiest thing ever

he’s like setting her up with a murderer

and this is before obviously phil’s wife killed him

yeah but she’s like this

woman does not she’s not into him

like she’s like looking at

as an opportunity she’s like a little assassin

she’s gonna move in i was like whoa that is creepy

then i started

thinking him as coyotes

from then on it’s like

cause that’s how coyote’s like look at your cat yeah

they look at your cat and like oh look what we got here

bitch i just

gotta figure out a way to get that

yeah you know

those sky bar chicks

will you ever go to the sky bar

once in a while across the

street from the comedy

store we would

always go there

because it’d be really easy just walk across the

street and grab a drink

and there was always like this conversation

do you do coke

sometimes like always that’s

the whole conversation

it’s like producers

trying to talk

starlets into bed

and coyotes preying on

balding jewish men with money

i always hear hooray for hollywood

during all those how much of a boring conversation

how much of a mind fuck is it when you actually met

steve martin

what is it when you’re sitting there talking to him

like isn’t it like holy shit how does this happen

how can this be real am i really

i met gene simmons who came to my new year show

and i was like gene simmons is at my show

this is insane

i saw kiss a bunch of times as a kid

i saw them in the 70s my

uncle used to work for

howard marks advertising which was a company that did

their album covers so i got to meet

ace freely when i was like eight years old

so i got to see them when i was really young

i got to see him live in concert then i got to see him

kevin james and i went

twice in the 90s

we were like holy shit two

nights in a row we’re seeing a kiss i mean

fucking huge fan

so all of a

sudden gene simmons is at my show and i’m shit in my

pants i was like

really nervous for the first time in front of one of my

crowds i mean

everyone is there

specifically to see me but

fucking gene

simmons is one of them i’m like holy

shit is gonna be entertained by you i had to talk

about it i had to talk about it

right away i’m like if i don’t get this out

right away that’s

gonna be fucking with my head the entire

time i’m on stage

junior high

school motley crew i was listening to you know

shout at the devil and it was like that was my anthem

and i fucking went through

and two years ago i’m at the la factory and all of a

sudden a madman

starts fucking running around the

crowd it’s tommy lee

and i found out

he’s my biggest fan ever

and here’s the fucked up

thing i will go to motley crew and do

devil signs and i had the sioux

5 thing he’s

fucking doing what i was doing at his fucking show

to me in front of the fucking live factory and

i’m doing the same

thing i’m going

this is fucking wrong

this is too fucking is the

matrix man i met

tommy lee and i was so

shocked that

he even knew who the fuck i was i was like this is the

weirdest he loves comedy man he’s like he’s into it

no he’s fucking he loves

comics he wants to

or he wanted to at the time

fight kid rock and he wanted me to get him a trainer

he decided he needed to

fight kid rock for

pamela anderson’s honor

so he was talking to me

about like who’s a good

trainer i’m like we can get his trainer

you wanna do

jiu jitsu you

wanna kickbox we wanna

do you wanna

stand and bang

tommy i mean tommy lee

and kid rock that would be one of the saddest

fights of all time didn’t that happen though like at a

music award well i

think somebody punched the money i

think kid rock probably punched him yeah i think

i don’t know who would win that fight but

kid rock he’s got that

that crazy white

trash thing going on

right you have to kill him

you know you know i’m saying yeah like you know

you think you know you

think he’s down

like you were done we’re fucking done here

right yeah yeah we’re done

we’re done no i fucking

say something

fucking hit you in the head with a bottle or something

you know he’s out of his mind i would

probably have to bank on kid rock there yeah i’d go

definitely i’d go kid rock

but you know

what scrapper

tommy’s a long tall guy if he’s got a good straight

right somebody

teaches him how to throw it

he’s a drummer drummers have

a lot of fucking

endurance man

all that shit that’s yeah

it’s like a

speed bag all day

i mean my fucking box his eyes off that might be

it you’re right

but rocks a drummer to people forget that he’s

a drummer yeah yeah but how much does he drum

he’s a drummer like you know not consistently

right you know he’s not a goddamn professional

he’s not out there beating it for motley crew right no

no no he takes a lot of goddamn endurance to drum

you know you ever tried drumming

what are you doing it’s fake sleeve

such a silly fuck this is

for the folks on itunes fake boy a fake

that was a stoner purchase it was

seven dollars for four different

sleeves i got a whole

shirt more i got a whole

shirt like that

to me like man isn’t this the fucking coolest like i

would wear i was like what are you talking

about it’s tights it’s

flashy designer tights

yeah that’s all it is it’s like you’re wearing a rash

guard out but i brought out my falcon

cuff you know like the eddy

rival falcon cuff

joe did you ever get to as far as just

comics that you fucking dug

coming up did you ever get to do shows with like

i don’t know who your

steve martin was or like

a kinsin or one of those guys like

domiraire is the closest

i got to do shows with dom at the comedy

store that was big to

me because i paid to see dom before i ever did comedy

and for people who don’t know domirra

fuck in the late 80s and the

early 90s he was a

monster he’s

still a very funny guy

for whatever reason he

doesn’t get as much attention as

you know i think his act deserves but back then he was

really really popular and i paid

to see him i was living in boston i took my girlfriend

to see him at nyx com

stop and i had

never gone on stage yet

and then all of a sudden

in montreal

at the comedy festivals like i’m working with them

holy shit it was only like

six years later

seven years

later and whatever it was really

fresh in my mind i was like holy fuck

i paid to see this guy

and now i’m working

with them like we’re doing a show together you know

we’re both on the bill

it’s like people are

come to see

him and they come see me like what yeah you know that’s

great but you know that’s not like you know

he became a friend

he came normal

after a while

but i never got to see like my real

i got to see a few of my real

influences live i saw hicks live

i saw him live like four or five times

it was pretty wild

i saw him live when no one knew who he was

and here’s an interesting

thing that’s

for comedy historians

when hicks when i

first saw him he was

very similar to sam kennison

to the point

where it was like he was

stealing his

essence i would say

right you know like you the

steve dunm thing

but it’s a good way of describing it

right when i

first saw him

he was making kinesin

like noises

and doing like

sounds like in

between bits like the bit didn’t go so well and he did

this kinesin

like thing i was like wow

this guy was like

connected to kinesin’s like thing

right and it makes

sense because he was like one of the guys that

opened with kinesin and followed him around the road

but he got out of that

quickly we all are

influenced by

other guys i know you had an anthony

clark period i had a richard

jenny period

where i stopped myself on

stage and i realized i

sounded like my cadence and everything

was richard jennings i was a big richard

jenny fan yeah

yeah i was like i

gotta stop myself

like but a lot

of people don’t know that hicks had that with kinesin

everybody thinks is hicks

especially because he’s dead of this

who is an amazing comedian and very

influential and

very unique

but all of us

have this weird

thing where we want to be like someone we admire

and sometimes it

sounds like it on stage

but he stopped that

after a while i saw him once and he had it like that

and then i saw him again

just like six

months later and he didn’t do any of that

and he had a

bunch of new shit

i saw him do a headliner set

at the comedy

connection and then a headliner set

literally like six

months later and there’s a totally new hour

right and i was like wow

he just he figured it out

right there’s that moment we all have

where it’s like you just something clicks

and you finally realize all

right this is what i need to do or this is my voice or

truth or whatever the fuck it is he

when you think

about it for a guy who’s only

you mean i believe

when he died he was only 32 years old

his ideas and philosophies and the the

validity of his opinions were so advanced

right you know for a person of that

age because really like most 25 year

old guys he was 25 when he was doing a lot of his act

right most 25 year old guys

you better shut the fuck up if you

wanna tell me how the

world’s running just

stop just you don’t know and don’t don’t give me any

nutty fucking nine eleven conspiracy website bullshit

you know you’re fucking what are you

twenty four dude really

just don’t don’t don’t tell me how to run the

world just let’s let’s

grow a little

let’s get some life

experience then

give it to me from

the perspective

of someone who’s actually seen something

but he was advanced

25 26 27 really relevant

points and really good material there’s no bad period

when you look at his material

you know it’s like there was no period

where it was bad it got better and better and better

i think one

thing that he really

latched onto and

maybe it was

after going through the

the kennison

influence was like

and i appreciated

was like this release of

whatever emotion it seemed was

going through him

he just allowed it to come out even if it was mid other

story or idea

and i would just

watch that and i remember

thinking that was like empowering

i was like wow this is a

place where you can go up and you can fucking ring

shit out and people you know with a joke i

think it’s like

a good song sometimes you don’t know the

lyrics to a song

you just love the fucking song you realize years

later like i don’t even know what they’re saying here

but it doesn’t matter

and i think with some

comedians it’s like

it’s not even so much about

what they’re saying

is how they’re expressing something emotionally behind

that those are the guys that i always

watch i mean carlin of course prior

it was like there was

truth mixed with

just humor just random

ideas you know what i got to see too i got to see

kinesin become not so good

that was a fascinating

thing kennison who was my

the guy remember i told you that

chick you know doing that

thing in the parking lot

that’s a got me in a comedy i mean

literally that’s that was the bug

that planted it

and i got to see him perform live

after he had gotten really

famous and really

successful and he

would come on

stage with the two girls and the

whole thing and it was like i didn’t

laugh yeah he stopped being

funny he became like this caricature of this guy

you listened to louder than hell his

first cd or whatever it was you listen to that

still today

and it’s brilliant

it’s really good still

but if you go and you know you look at like the

stuff that he did like

right before he died

it’s not good at all yeah well he got caught up in that

mtv wild thing

and you’re right it was like the

trench code became an

outfit like

it was like a costume yeah yeah

well dice for a while

kinda had the same thing

going on too

where he became the dice man

you know the

dice man was a character that he used to do on

stage right

and he used to do

these john travolta

impressions yes on the

young comedians

yeah that’s

where i really like

thought he was really out of

strong it was

fucking brilliant likable

charismatic yeah

i mean when dice

burst onto the

scene i mean i

think i was

right out of high school

and i remember

thinking that was the funniest shit i’d ever

heard in my life

you know and then hanging out with that guy at the

comic store years and years

later and just like he’s like a normal guy

right you know but now he like

is the dice man full time

it was a character and now he’s got this

leather jacket on and the

gloves on it’s full time now

i have a theory that it’s like when

you’re a character not just

a character but like look at any sitcoms or any fucking

throughout history

if you play a character

especially with

a weird name

like if you’re like a pot

see or a bundy

right you like you

but then you become okay i need to keep that hairdo

i need to be recognized

from that era

and you play into it and

that’s frustrating when

you see that but it’s why i

never wanted to be a character man

i was like i’d rather change and not be as funny

but still have

certain fans and i’ve had this happen i’ve had fans go

dude i like your

stuff back when i first

i know but i was a kid i was talking

about kids shit

i was still new it’s like

if i didn’t change you

would not fucking

hang out and care at all what i was doing

well there’s people that are

gonna like you at one

stage your career not at another and that’s okay

cause that’s

where they are they are

where you were at that

stage your career exactly it’s alright you

know whatever

sorry i love that

sorry i lost you

i got some new people

along the way i lost a few i got a few stragglers

that becomes what you crave

i really believe because at

first you just want to you know i get to keep my fans i

gotta i can hold on am i

gonna make him happy

and when you let go of that

and you realize somebody’s gonna

check out for a

while and then i had a guy

write me an

email and he goes dude listen i jumped on the hate

train or whatever i didn’t like you i listened

isolated incident

heard you talking about your

folks talking

about shit that i’ve experienced

i’m back in man i’m hanging out i’m

getting back on

the dane train

but that’s cool man that’s like

people that can

check in and out

like i respect that you know i do the same thing with

music i don’t

always like what somebody’s putting out but of

course i always listen

perfect example that exactly doing

sound garden then he was doing dog shit now he’s doing

sound gardening

right it’s right awesome i’m

still here all

right i just yeah

i bought that other

stuff i just wasn’t into it yeah but

you know go

ahead take your

chances who the fuck knows what makes the

connection you know

if you don’t take that chance

as soon as you

start thinking

about like wow

i have to do what they want then you’re fucked

because then you don’t even know what you’re doing

it has to be what you

what’s inside of you but that’s how many guys

you guys see this it’s like

that’s why when people

new comics come to you out here and they’re like

what do i need to do i’m like get the fuck out of here

shouldn’t come up here because

you’re gonna be like packaged and immediately like

there’s a stigma on you

leave well there

were so many guys at the la factory that became you

when you became famous

when it was

starting to

happen even when you were packing dublins all the time

there was i noticed

so many guys that were like doing you on

stage i was like wow this

is fucking crazy

it’s like here’s

these guys that

have noticed something that’s working and they

just jumping on it

that’s a fascinating

thing to see

you know like a

whole new wave you know

there’s a wave of guys that came out of the

laugh factory joe coy

that sound just like you

and mitch hedberg

and stan hopes there’s all

these like clones of

clones yeah

yeah well a lot of mitch hedberg guys

right there’s a lot of guys that oh my

god and guys that were like pretty good

comics but they’re like dude you

gotta stop doing that

yeah i know you’re good you have some good jokes but

i’m the cerebral

just this rebuilds like yeah yeah

right it’s like did you doing mitch hedberg

i’ll tell you man

it was fascinating to

okay when it happened and it was like fuck i’m

famous i’m known

people are talking

about me when i’m not trying to fucking get something

going and the dj is like

that was really they were setting this tempo

and then there were guys that you see come out

it’s a little flattering and weird

when you’re like oh this guy’s

kinda like me and it makes you not

wanna watch comedy because you’re a little

freaked out by it

but then you know

that all right couple years down the line

as guys start getting frustrated

those same guys are the ones who

would come out of the woodwork and say

oh no dane fucking took from me

i was doing that shit

that is true

that will happen and guys will forget that they

stole it from you

right that does happen they’ll forget that they

got the idea to behave that way from you and they’ll

decide in their head

somehow that they were doing it

first but you guys

would do that but you know it’s like

it like you just nailed it’s like you

you take that you have a

voice you have

certain people that you want to emulate and

then you figure out your shit and you grow out of it

and i’m as kind of

understanding and cool

about that because

i’ve been up down up down and it’s like

but in the beginning though you don’t

feel that way in the beginning you feel like someone’s

stealing from you and

you put a stop to it

because when you’re not

famous and you’re struggling and you’re coming up and

you know and you’re just

starting to do well and then you see somebody

start ganking off you and you’re like hey hey hey

i created all this

success at a

hard work and you’re just kind of like emulating it

you better stop doing that

you’re doing what you saw be successful

you’re doing a version of me

that’s tricky man that’s a

tricky thing

it’s a tricky

thing because it just feels like someone

i mean really you got to let them do it you know i mean

look if you become

successful just through the merit

of your own work it’s

going to be really

clear who’s

copying and

who’s imitating who

but it just

doesn’t feel like that

in the beginning in the beginning when you don’t have

money and you’re not

like if someone’s doing me now i’m like

look at this guy why are you doing that like well i

guess that’s what happens

right i did kind

of fucking flattering even though it’s kinda old

you know but you figured they

would be done with it

i mean i was doing it when i was an open micer you know

i was doing it like it was a year in or two years in

you know i would hear myself

sound like somebody

else but when someone’s doing it and that’s

their act on comedy central you’re like okay man

you took this too far

you have to do your own

thing you have to have your own delivery yes

and you know what it’s

funny because the

first time in my life i ever ran in that was with you

when we had you know

it was like 1998 and joe called me up i remember i was

still living in that shitty

apartment and you’re like

dude there’s a fucking bit that you’re doing and it’s

it’s like my closing bit

i remember i

was so fucked up by that not only because it was like

you know i had a lot of respect for joe but it was like

i don’t ever want to be one of those guys

that gets you know put in that position

and i remember feeling like that was a

defining moment for me

cause it was like

i need to talk even more

about maybe not nostalgic

things or things that are outward

that i see but

things that are from me

that happened to me

it’s hard though because

especially if you’re

influenced by someone else and your bit is

influenced by

their bit and even though you know it is

you know you shouldn’t probably do it because everyone

thinks that you kind of stole it

but it kills

and that’s the problem when i fucking

crush it it’s all you have at that and it’s such a life

bid it’s just you know you

could go up there with this one and just fucking

slam it in yeah

but really ethically

it’s almost like you have to find out what’s good

about that and cut

it out and try to add it to something that you create

you know you can be

influenced by something

and you know and you’re not even you’re not even

aware of it you know

it’s a lot you never see

a lot of guys

like work together like we saw that at the comedy

store a lot

where guys would work together and guys

would riff in the back parking lot and then they

would go on stage and

it was like a battle over

whose bit is this

whose bit is this we’re sitting out

like stanhope had this fucking

guy that was opening for him this guy was a douche

and he would go on

stage and whenever they

would fucking

riff stanhope

would say a

bunch of cool shit and this guy

would go on

stage and do

stanhope’s cool shit

it’s just like fuck man now i

can’t riff in

front of you

i can’t just fuck around and come up with it but then

when you’re

still two are

doing it together and

then you know you got to figure out well whose is this

what’s going on here

you know or somebody like

you’ll have an idea an original premise

and someone will add a tag to it and then take your

whole fucking

thing and jump on stage

they added a tag like no i

just came up with that to this day like

bobby and al

because i’ve

known al since i was a kid 13 years old

bobby since i

started robert

kelly and us

three definitely

i can hear it all the time

bobby does certain

things i’m like oh that

sounds like me or

all three of us

cause we started we

spent so much fucking time together we formed our

kind of comic

cadences and all the

tricks that you

learned that

those are the two guys that i can

still watch and be like oh that’s how we

influenced each

other i have one

friend when i come up with an idea i have to walk away

i walk away and i say it in my head and i

write it down

i don’t say it in

front of them because if i say it in

front of them i’m pretty sure that it’s eventually

going to go on stage

oh my god so i have to go away

i fucking really do that

yeah yeah and

you know and

the worst is

the one friend that you have an idea and you

start saying the idea and they try to top it and they

start talking over you like no no no

no this is delicate it’s

coming out of nowhere it’s coming out of outer space

let me say it

could you fucking imagine

if imagine if oprah decided

that she was

tired of all this play

yeah maybe she

would just stop stop

stop stop talking

if you talk

right now you’re

gonna i’m gonna miss i’m getting a gift

right now from the universe

it’s like ideas like

crazy ideas sometimes will come to you

fully formed

but if you start talking and explaining it to

other people

and then someone jams in with

their own shit it’s like oh it’s lost now yes

or if they start

trying to get to what you’re getting to

because they kind of get a

sense of it like they’re

wrong territorial

pissings are wrong or

wrong and you’re

like no that’s not what i’m saying at all

and then like fuck

lost all my momentum communications dead that’s we

should all text each other

you’re waiting the

whole time for

that brian you

call me chris

again chris

is your name from now on why do you

think the internet’s

gonna call you chris you look like a chris

mc chris he

brian at the end of the beginning

of the show

dane showed up and dan goes hey chris

brian’s like i’m not chris

call me chris

you always call me chris i’ve

been calling him chris for

like months very upset

and i told them

when you meet as many people as certain people do

you know i literally

you lose your your

space in your memory bank

for people’s now your chris i don’t

see you for a

month your fucking shit is gone from my

brain i know there you’re that guy

hey what’s up

we could have hung out smoked a joint went to a

movie i don’t fucking remember you dude

right there’s too many they remember

everything right you remember joe

we met and we hung up

it was the galaxy theater

and we all stood on the curb

and you’re like i don’t fucking remember

where this was i have a friend who’s

famous who likes to fuck a

bunch of different girls

and his whole i mean he’s a complete

pussy addict

and he doesn’t

think it’s a big deal and

these girls aren’t

gonna be attached to him i’m like do you not understand

i go you are

in movies and people love you and they

see you all the time and

they’re attracted to you

and you’re meeting all

these people millions

and millions of them and it’s not a big deal to you

but to them

it’s like what

like oh my god this is a life

memory big fucking

giant movie and his

penis inside my vagina

it’s like the

greatest moment ever and you forgot her name already

right it’s literally one of the top

three things that they’ll ever fucking

wanna talk about with their

close friends

yeah i try to tell this dude the reason why

these girls go

crazy is cause they

think you’re in love with them they

think you know this is

gonna be like a love affair

now and you’re just moving on to the next chick and

you know you

gotta be careful that

right well yeah

you’re single

i am i am no i was with a

chick for about

five years and

about eight

months single so she was she was there for the big ride

for most of it yeah yeah

what would finally just

drove the nail

it’s it’s everything a lot man yeah she in the business

you know what

it was it yes but i went through a lot of shit man my

folks and then

into my brother

roughest four five years ever

i’m surprised you’re even functioning

you know sometimes i am too mad because it really was a

you know i lived

to perform cause

my folks were just the coolest fucking people and

but they got to see

everything that’s

what i’ve come to the you know at the end of all the

talking about it and

figuring out it’s like they got to see

everything i want do you find it’s hard to date

chicks in the business

mmm right now i’m

just having fun so i’m just kind of like doing whatever

but i would not want to settle down with a headshot no

that’s it that’s

why i have a no headshots possible yeah

yeah seven year

seven year period a

great that’s it no headshots

after seven years you

haven’t had a headshot in

seven years okay you’re good you’re

clear you’re

clear you’ve

escaped the spell

you know but there’s

real housewives of calabasas all

these crazy bitches

out there they all wanted to be actresses yeah man

i know i’m fucked up okay but i figured out

how to deal with my fucked up and make it work and be

a fairly healthy

human being but i know that

other people that are

fucked up like the odds are

going to be

able to talk and hang out and be cool with each

other and make this work out and

both be balanced it’s very hard

the odds are very very

small that you’re

going to have your shit together and we’re

going to have a healthy relationship you

know it’s just like too many times over and over and

again you just deal with all these

crazy people and all this

psychosis involved in

the auditioning process

breaks people’s souls

because this getting this

movie or getting this

television show or anything they’re auditioning for

could be the biggest

fucking moment in their life

and they’re

freaking out and they’re pacing

around the waiting room and you get to see them go over

their lines like it’s it makes

i went for i read for a sitcom like six months ago

i got nervous being in the room with all

these people that were nervous

right i was like i just

wanna get the

fuck out of here like this is a terrible feeling

you know i’ve got

money i don’t have to

worry about shit this just seems like a

bit of a fun job

i’m looking at all

these people like this is like

their big fucking

thing their big break

and they’re doing that

every day over and over

again getting rejected getting rejected

needing that love getting rejected

i love getting rejected so

close but nope

final three no no

no and they’re

doing this for years and years

and this is

already a person who psychologically unbalanced

already a person who

the reason why they want to be a performer in the

first place is they want to be

loved because they

weren’t love as a child

so there’s this incredible horrible imbalance

and they just can’t can’t

quite connect and then

you start dating them and it’s like

look man you’re not on a comfortable road

like this isn’t

gonna be smooth and

relaxed and everyone’s carefree

this is gonna be constant

psychosis do you

think i’m good do you

think i’m fat is this good is

what am i a

loser will you read lines with me oh

fuck all our

friends are

like that though

you know yeah but i’m not

dating our friends yeah but they

should yeah but they

still have that same kind of fucking

doing that five times a day

every day yeah but they have success as

comics that’s

the difference guys like joey and are yeah they’re

going to auditions all the time

but they’re also killing it on

stage all the time

they’re also

they’re doing comedy all the time you know

and joey’s always

getting acting gigs here and there so it’s like

ari’s always getting you know

commercials

here and there they have it out ari’s doing well

it’s the people that are not making the

connection and girls too

if you’re a girl man

it’s a natural feeling i

think for a girl

to want some sort of male companionship and

protection for a

woman to be by herself comes here from like

omaha nebraska or something

she’s gonna

be incredibly insecure like a cork in the middle of the

ocean by herself anyway

doesn’t have any friends committed to this acting thing

and then just rejection rejection

rejection and then

their whole

childhood thing that drag them there in the

first place then you come

along and you’re like

hey do you like to go see a movie

even know what the fuck you’re getting into

right you just open up the door to hell

my ex was one of the

classic cases of

everything that

i didn’t know till

after the breakup

everything she always said she hated she became

like literally

every fucking facet that’s

why they hate they hate what i mean what they hate

is what they’re afraid of in themselves right

but it’s tough because then people go

you know what

like people that are further

along in this industry when

i’m always like what’s your gem what can you you know

what can i learn from you and they go

yeah you don’t

wanna be with

a girl who’s in the industry but then you’re

like if somebody who isn’t how do they really fucking

understand the

bullshit that i then have to deal with and

right so what’s that middle ground

who’s that girl in the middle we can find girls and

i’ve met girls in

the business that are really cool it’s just really rare

you know there’s a lot of them that are just really

normal they

just like acting

i am kind of dating a girl now but

after what i’ve been through you’re kind of more

trepidatious because you’re like

that’s gonna

go through that in there

trepidatious is a very rare word

thank you that was

strong thank

you strong move

charlie yeah

it’s there’s a lot of people who do

think that you can’t

you can’t find someone

you know in the business but

you can it’s

just rare you know you can’t rule it out but as a rule

if you’re gonna have an

ethic it should be a no headshots policy

find some normal

chick i have a head and butt shot policy

i like the way through the little gulp in the middle

that’s brian

he’s always got to do something like that just to

make oh chris oh chris

so um now that you’ve

like you’ve done like how many specials

uh four cds

couple of specials

when you do it now do you give yourself

a specific amount of time like do you do a special

and then say alright now i

start fresh with all new material and within

x amount of

months i do a new one

this is probably the

first time in a

while that i’m not putting a time

limit on it

i mean i used to it was like i

every it was like

every other year

and then you’re preparing during

time but now is like i’m just

i’m doing it for the

first time in a

while really just

enjoying it

it’s not a machine it’s not like i got a fucking top

as i gotta make

money it’s like

i’m okay now i’m in a good spot

my fans are happy i’m

you know i’m

happy i’m balanced

you know after some

crazy you know years

i’m just trying to

have fun i’m just trying to

enjoy it man yeah yeah

because that’s the

thing you guys it’s like

i had this moment

was like i had a good year when i hit

where i’m like this is

dream come true time and i really did

enjoy it and then it was like i

took care of my family and

i had money

and then a lot of

stuff happened

so i you know a lot of

stuff happened whether it was like internal

from you know

comedians or whether it was you know my

folks being sick or

all the shit

yeah dog shitting and getting evicted

it was like i didn’t have time to just be a regular

like person

in process everything

and so that’s what i’ve really done the last

year so you

find that i find that

it drives me really

crazy when i come up with

a bit and then i put it on a special and then right

after i fucking film it i have a way better tagline

it drives me nuts

and i’m like i let this go too

quick i should have worked on this like

part of the process of developing material

is you got to do a bit over and over and over again

until you find the

rhythm of it you

find you know

the natural

order of the words and

it’s never done no it’s

never done man

that’s one of the

great things

about those guys in boston that the untold

story of why they were so good

is those guys had the same act forever

i mean a lot of

those guys unfortunately

kept the same act for years and years

and years and

people actually grew to

expect it they

would go see

steve sweeney

who was fucking brilliant

but it was the same brilliant

20 minutes that you had seen

seven years ago and

they had it down

and they had

their act and it was a fucking machete

and it would just

slice through the

crowd it was just

all the timing was terminators yeah

the timing was just perfect you know

the timing was just deadly there were so many of

those guys then too

yeah yeah if you come out with a bit

and you don’t really

develop it enough it’s like you know

maybe you didn’t

quite get it out the perfect way

you know people love new

shit and that’s more important to them than anything

but you wanna like god you

wanna make sure it’s done yeah

wanna make sure it’s really done i kind of was like a

few years back fell into this routine of like you know

maybe it’s never done

and maybe it’s always kind of

evolving in something else

and that’s okay

maybe it’s just again more

about who i am

because i loved guys like even johnny carson growing

up i didn’t know what the fuck johnny was talking

about half the time when i was a kid

but it was like this idea of oh

you’re attracted to

this person

and there’s something glamorous

about stand up

where you can’t go anywhere else

except for maybe what we’re doing here today

without somebody impeding on it

and like editing it or some

standards and practice

there’s always somebody fucking with you

except comedies

glamorous cause you can say whatever

it is you wanna

say and that’s one of the

things that i love

about this podcast too is this

is so look how easy this is yeah

we just have a

couch and a webcam

and a fucking

table and a laptop it’s

that’s it that’s all and a

flashlight that you can fuck

and a flashlight that you can fuck and some

microphones

and no one can tell you what to do and look

you know look it’s not polished

is not we don’t edit it we just

fucking it’s just a conversation it’s a conversation

every week you

might like it we hope you do

yeah but no one’s fucking with and

it becomes itself and you don’t you know

other people digging

their fingers in it and

that i’ll take this over any like any

even like whatever reality

like everything so processed

and so fucking prepared right that

why can’t something be a little ragtag a little

messy and real

yeah and maybe a little uncomfortable and really

you know have an amazing moment well for you i

think this is very important because

because i think you’re a very misunderstood guy

and the ability

to express yourself for long

periods of time will get a chance for someone to see

your real personality

as opposed to this projected imager

that they have of

you i get that yeah you

know so this is like

a great medium

because if you’re doing like a fucking tonight

show set or something like that you’re sitting on the

couch you’re talking for

seven minutes

to me it always feels like it’s over

that’s it it’s over

right it’s like i don’t even know

who was i was i me did i get it out

right right

you know did i just

fucking force this for

seven minutes

yeah fuck yeah

so nobody really

i mean this is a fantastic opportunity that we have

today to do something like this this didn’t exist

for performers of

other generations i mean

the ability

to let people really know who you are

warts and all this

is exactly who we are and seeing

comics and however many

entertainers like go from

this to getting that fame or fan base or whatever it is

without anybody in the middle of it without

managers and agents and

it’s pretty incredible

man bob bob burnham

yeah bo bo burna bo burnham

bo burnham he’s like 18 or something isn’t he a really

young kid yeah

i had him open

for me in new hampshire he’s killing them

everywhere he did a

bunch of shit on youtube and people

loved his songs on youtube like comedic songs

and all of a

sudden this kid is fucking packing

places right

i mean it’s incredible just because of the internet

that kid that was on

ellen that kid that

sang that paparazzi song

the lady gaga song was brilliant it was at like a

school talent festival or something like that

and this kid was fucking

brilliant yeah and now

he’s getting

real singing

right it’s amazing it’s like you instantly

you know can connect to people that just

weren’t available

before you before you had a go through

magazine but let’s be

devils advocate for a

minute because how fucking

quickly is that kid fucked up now

oh he’s dying

because there’s no

fights like he’s out of that fucking

plane no tandem jump for him

no fucking let’s do a thousand

hours 11 right

isn’t he 11 or something like

that so he’s 11

that’s the scary

there will be a certain

chew em up spit em out process with some of

these people

that make it

through there it’s like people who win the lottery

most people who fucking play the lottery are like

you know fucking got nothing no

you know and then you see that document on hbo

you see lucky yeah

about these fucking people that hit the lottery there

nowhere near prepared

people who are already rich know how to have

money people who have nothing and they get rich

get fucking

crazy yeah crazy nuts

when i got first about my

first development

deal my manager thought i had a gambling problem

and it was because i was buying lobster like

every night

i was just eating like a king

that would be nice

i got a fat

check and i just went off like a rocket i was

spending like 10

grand a month and he was like

what the fuck are you doing i’m like i’m having fun

bitch the first

money i ever had

and the dumbest

thing i probably ever did was

i logged in

again this is when the internet like 56 came out

i logged into like a poker fucking website

and i said i’m like i’m

gonna play poker i’m pretty good at poker

i lost five

grand in my

underwear in

about six minutes wow

literally in the middle of the fucking

night i remember pushing my ibm

thinkpad away from me

going i can

never do this

again wow five grand

like that fuck

i love internet gambling

i love the idea

i’m scared that it’s fucking rigged though man come on

it’s totally

rig it’s gotta be joe

come on man i wonder because if you you can

they played guys on

quake and they’d be bots

and they would

never miss they

would just destroy

it like literally

100 no you never come

close to them

they would know

where you were at all times they know exactly the

right weapon that you used because they

weren’t really playing it was just a computer

simulation that was playing perfectly

right you gotta have

these poker

things not only that but

who’s to say somebody is in playing

and has a screen open of

best odds on hands and

anything else so it’s like

or hackers that just

haven’t been caught that are sitting there like

call of duty behind a wall and

watching your

hand exactly

oh yeah for sure i used to play

chess online then i’m like some fucking fag is

gonna have a

chess fucking master

thing opened up

and he knows 10 moves

ahead already

you know what though for

chest you shouldn’t even care let him

cheat go ahead

you know it’s only

gonna make you better

when you’re

playing someone in chest the

worst key is to play the

tough tough people the worst

is scrabble

everyone’s addicted

to scrabble apps and facebook scrabble

really there’s so many websites

you just sit there and you type in what you have

what’s been

placed and they’ll tell you the best word

from the dictionary is 12

points so play scrabble play old school

labeling some people sitting around that’s the only way

we live in a society

where people feel

victorious when they figure out the best way to cheat

that’s victor

if i can figure out how to

cheat out cheat you

i’m fucking

great i’m more amazing than you at something

it’s fucking insane

is pretty interesting

but you think

about the russian mom how much

money the russian mom is made by cheating

made by getting people’s credit cards made by hacking

things made by doing that

it’s like when you realize the actual numbers involved

you know it’s fuck it’s a

it’s a branch of business yes

i mean literally is a branch of business

duping people is a branch of business

ripping people off ripping off

their websites hacking into

their shit getting credit card numbers

it’s a branch

of business i mean it’s like this is sophisticated shit

you know this is being sophisticated

stuff being done on a high level

whenever you’re

gonna have any sort of a situation like that

where there’s kind of an open door

you know and there’s programs you

could run programs in the

background think

about how many goddamn

viruses there are you

know i mean

viruses and

key loggers and just fuck man and

everything’s

going into the cloud man

everything’s

going it’s skynet

dude it’s happening totally google is skynet

right google is

i use it for

fucking email and i use the chrome

browser yeah

is that uses all

bunch of websites

dedicated to that too

everything’s that’s

that’s kind of

weird man it’s

freaky when you

think about like pretty soon

everything access to everything

all the time

and computer

power is exponentially increasing

so the kind of programs the kind of

things that computers can do is

going to change

drastically over the next few years

but i watched a

thing on dateline the other

night it was

about a woman who

fell for the scam of like

you know contact

us there’s a million dollars and a bank account

and yeah and i couldn’t believe it it’s like this

woman was like i’m 300 000

down because they keep writing me saying we need more

money to get the money out

who who yeah i get

those all the time dude people are

crazy you ever

write them back sometimes i’ll

write them back just for the hell of it just

to be like i mean

a whole email folder says scams

and it’s just

conversations that i have with fucking nigeria

terrorists that’s

you gotta you

gotta post that shit

that’s fucking

weird how many i get

i get like i get at

least one a day at

least one one guy a day

good evening sir

i represent the bank of newcastle and we

right now have

you know a situation

they don’t know your name but they know dear sir

or ma’am yeah and you’re like this

you could possibly help me there’s

three million dollars in cash here

yes i’m looking for someone who can come up with a

small deposit to get out the you know

the box like that’s it fuck man

but a lot of people get fooled by

those nigerians

apparently it’s a

lot of people

get fooled for

those key whether you

think it’s facebook and you type in your username oh

yeah every day

a new person on

facebook or something like that

yeah fishing sites are big man

you know look people are fucking

crafty you gave somebody my

phone number remember

some dude you thought was really

cliffy b oh that’s

right somebody i

tricked him

i started getting

phone calls i’m

like fuck bro oh shit

i thought it was real

cliffy b that was a good trick too

wow it was not a good trick

look at the address well i mean

for if it tricked me you know it’s a little bit better

it was new in

my space you

myspace myspace account you became a

pretty fan boy

everything you’re a

baby fan boy and

didn’t pay attention

the actual address

it was true

they cloned

you got god

you got god man

you got god son

at least i didn’t twitter my

phone number

i did twitter my

phone number last

time it was

month are you

thinking you’re

dming someone

dmed dm to somebody yeah

fucked up but i kept it as a fan line it’s fascinating

i just turn it on in middle of nowhere and just

start answering calls joe rogan fanline

right i start talking to people

get the fuck out of here that’s why you

gotta get the same out man

yeah it sounds

like awesome it’s the coolest shit man that app is

great man i will do it i will get it they

can ring your

phone they never know your

phone number

you go live i do a

thing i go live you hit a button

sends it to everybody

and then they can just call like a

radio station like this rolling

are they located in san francisco

is their headquarters

located in san francisco yeah i believe so

cause i met someone who was trying to

get me to do that years ago but of course i blew it off

they should do it yeah no

i’m on it what

other things what other

things do you do for promotion

how many different

things are you involved in

just a few one of yourself

just a few men i do the say now obviously facebook

you know the twitter stuff but

not a lot man

those are like the

those i don’t do four i don’t know what four square is

i hate that shit why

would you want it to be the

ultimate stalker

what’s that

hey i’m at applebee’s here’s the

exact location i am here

right now oh

you can’t do that

that’s nutty that’s not

gonna happen what is that my location

stuff like why

would you wanna do that

there’s an app on your ipad where you

could just sit here and put your address in and it

would show you all your neighbors who have twittered

where at least who have said yes you can use my

location that’s in twitter

you can see who’s in your neighborhood

as twittering right now

that’s ridiculous

yeah that’s creepy

there’s like

i just read

there’s like 45

apps right now in the app

store that have code in

it so that people can log in and get your contacts list

really jesus christ yeah

yeah they’re

a fifteen year old kid put up

handy light two weeks ago right

right and it was

a tethering yeah

there’s like

45 that’s how many they

admit there’s like 45

you know it’s

crazy is what’s even

worse is android when i had android there was so many

bad rogue apps like i downloaded a weather app

and it was just

supposed to give me the weather and it was like this is

gonna take your contact list you know how it gives

you the warnings of all the

things it was like five different

things i was like why

this is a weather app why

does it need my contacts this is how much of a fucking

schedule i am

right now when you’re single again

i had a girl call me

randomly and

cause i know my numbers out

there sometimes and people can you know people do post

shit it’s like you change your number what’s wrong so i

middle of the

night i’m like hello

you know giggling and

is this dane

and i’m like

yeah yeah what’s up

where’d you get this number oh my god oh my god

and then finally she

sounded so hot that i was like

like where are you guys right now

i was like age

sex location how old are you guys being like oh we’re

22 i’m like

are you guys in la what’s up

send a picture

so they send a

picture when you’re single

again you’re like

there’s no laws that

govern me at this

point right yeah fucking take full advantage of this

crazy magic

trick you have

doesn’t it feel like a

crazy magic

trick yeah man

it feels like

as long as you recognize it’s a

magic trick the real problems when dudes

who have the

magic trick don’t

think it’s a trick i

think i am this fucking

special yeah yeah

yeah you know that’s

an easy soup to

start drinking

right no i never forget and go

i can’t i was the

guy that couldn’t fucking

get it done man i had no game i had no fucking approach

so yeah i’m constantly reminded

it’s a very strange

thing when people are

under the spell

you know when they’re looking at someone

famous and you see that

their hearts beating fast and

their hands are shaking

it’s like wow

just just because they’ve seen your

image broadcast

somewhere or they thought you did something that they

enjoyed that

would be with

the matrix baby

steve martin that’s how it

would be yeah

steve martins like be like pantaleonian

matrix eats one

believe that

stakes real fuck it i don’t

care if it’s fucking not real

still to this day i’ll go back and listen to let’s get

small yeah fuck

you know especially for them i

mean when was it was it like 78 or

something like that

right before the jerk

right wasn’t that like

right before the jerk yeah

fuck man and he told me i was asking

about the jerk

cause as much as i

could i was like you know

once he warmed up i was like tell me a little about

the jerk and

he was like

i was just driving to the gig

every day with kyle weiner and we’re like is this

funny is this funny

they were just doing what comics do

and then get to set and make it work wow yeah

yeah they were like we had no clue what we were doing

or how big that was

going to be

i want to know what happened with him because there was

definitely a

point in his time kind of

after planes

trains and auto

bills around

grand canyon times

where it seemed like he just stopped playing

steve martin and

started acting like a

old man or something like

no more crazy

he was forcing the

crazy what you’re feeling on that don’t a lot of

comics want

to be like you got to take me serious a lot of

comics go through that

phase where it’s like

i’m a serious

human being happen stop smoking weed

what about that

weird thing

where where

comics want to be

taken seriously and they

start like making

points on stage that aren’t funny

horror yeah oh

i work with this

comic once i’m not

gonna say his name but he’s a political guy

pretty famous guy and

he did this line and then he said

that usually gets an applause break

and it wasn’t even remotely funny some

silly fucking democrat versus republican point that

should be obvious to anybody’s paying attention

and it was just like wow like you’re

going for that like

they lose this

perspective and all of a sudden they start

thinking that they’re like this

voice of reason

that people need to hear

yeah like come on man you’re supposed to just be funny

right if you don’t have anything

funny to say about a subject

or if it’s not setting up something

funny later

yeah you know i understand if you wanna like get a

point across or give a perspective

that may not be funny but it gives us your

point of view so i understand what you’re talking

about when you say some funny shit later

but if you start preaching

that’s a fucking

tricky thing right yeah yeah no no that’s

how many guys

have seen do it though a lot right yeah yeah

and it seemed like there was like a

phase not as much now but a few years ago

where everybody was trying to do that you know

where everybody was like this is the

point in my act where i’m gonna

dim the lights and do bill maher real talk

right it’s like

no i’m there

for fucking yucks man i’m there to make you

laugh your ass

off i’m there to make you escape for a little bit

there’s a lot of fucking guys that do it

a thousand times

better than me but i figured out how to do it my way to

where i can

entertain you

and we can all forget

about the real hardcore shit for a little bit

that’s all i’m supposed to do man yeah

really if i can do some

flicks if i can produce some tv

stuff great

i love comedy that

doesn’t have

to mean shit like joey diaz is one of my favorite guys

to watch ever cause

everything is up my ass and my balls and my dick

shut up suck my costume

that’s a boston

too everything

ended up up the ass if you

could get the fucking

if you had no

end of your joke

it ended up up your ass i

appreciate like really deep

thinkers and i

appreciate people with really fascinating

points of view

but for the most part

a lot of that

stuff is not funny

a lot of that

stuff really it’s almost

you’re disrespecting certain topics by doing them on

stage i mean you can kind of like

brush on it and like

kind of like

dabble in it but

if it’s a really fascinating subject

it’s something that needs to be

explored and it’s not

going to be funny

just for flat out funny

like for me i like

stupid shit

like a joey diaz type guy

that’s the kind of shit i laugh at

i wanna you

know i wanna

laugh at someone i mean i love good writing and

everything like that

but i love just as much

joey diaz he’s got this joke

about transvestites

he goes i love

transvestites

they cook they

clean you can beat on them

every once in a while

the cops come

who they gonna believe me or some dude with a wig and a

black eye it’s

great that’s like just bang bang bang

i mean it’s just

laughing it’s a great joke

that’s fucking

tremendous joke

but you know i’m saying it’s like that’s my

that’s the kind of shit that’ll make me clap and laugh

and then hours

later i’ll be at the diner eating clapping and laughing

you know it’s like

that’s my favorite kind of comedy i like just

stupid shit

that’s why i like old

steve martin

exactly yeah old

steve martin was awesome

what are your favorite

comics like

today that work today

i just watched

bergen on letterman

i think billy’s just like

he’s one of the funniest guys out there and i

think he you know he’s like a

he’s an architect

man he gets out there and he fucking figures out and

he’s just funny

it’s just about fucking being funny

and he’s not

gonna use his

power to you know like you know do that try to get yeah

just funny cat man just it’s all pure

i like to watching

you know chappelle

before you know he kind of disappeared

you know i always appreciated

watching dave get up

as a guy who’s like on the same

level as him like fame wise does it

freak you out that he

doesn’t fucking perform in these big

places does it

freak you out there like you aren’t you like

why don’t you like let people know

where you’re

gonna be man

why don’t you do more shows

like he’s one of the best ever

one of the best ever

right now and

it’s so rare

i don’t know

dave personally it’s

all like i don’t have insight but just from what i hear

you know he’s just

he’s he’s got some

stuff to work out

you know so

maybe he’s just not in a

place where he can face that head on

i know i’m putting it

yeah i know what you’re talking

about i mean i

heard that crazy

story about the

whatever the hell happened on the airplane

right where they had to land somewhere and the pilot

thought that he was a hazard to the flight

so they landed

early yeah that’s extreme

you know that’s extreme

stuff i don’t i don’t know what the fuck is

going on but

i met him when

i did i mean the comedy clubs in new york and

i did this appel show

twice and he says so he’s been a cool dude but i

never got to know

deep yeah i don’t

think he’s like that though i don’t

think a lot of people know him

really personally he’s

kinda you know

living in fucking utah or somewhere and just i oh

yeah yeah yeah it’s strange huh

yeah but you know that’s one of the

things that i said also that i

think people really love

about him is the fact that he is

kind of reclusive he is kind of like the reluctant star

and one of the

things that people will like go

after you is

like the you already have attention so they’re like why

this fucking guy want more attention

right yeah you fucking attention whore

look at this attention or show your

mouth attention whore

yeah no it’s like that’s what it is like people

think that like when you promote if you’re

self promoting that somehow or another

you know you’re doing something to them sure

you know do you get

fucking spamming me

it but it you know any

any level of

success and what i’ve

learned having you know

again slow but

short trajectory is like

there’s always

more people that don’t like what you do then

of course like

what you do and that’s it and you just attract

more of people

that like you more

don’t like you will be attracted to you and tell you

of course like i said i’m totally hypocritical

i hated a serious man and

i went on twitter and i’m like seriously fucking sucked

if somebody

could have seen me

perform and

did the same thing but

that’s okay though you

gotta realize that you know there’s

gonna people there’s a lot of

music that i fucking love

and you know if

mrs rogan gets in the car with

me she’s like what the fuck are you listening to right

and i’m like this is i was made for loving you okay

yeah you don’t

know this you don’t know this fucking song

you know somebody like chapelle

though i mean regardless of what he’s dealing with

there’s so many when

steve martin did arenas

steve martin

was doing also

he wasn’t doing like when people say like

arenas today

yeah i’m doing

maybe twenty thousand people

that dude was doing fucking

sixty thousand people

in an arena

where he was partitioned

with no screens

nothing man mike

white suit dot on the

other side of the

place so you understand

but with me it’s like

i have the most amazing

like the guy that comes out my road guy aldotley he did

zeppelin he did elvis

he’s got all the

gadgets we put

screens we make

you feel like you’re in your living room

i go in the middle not because i want to be a gladiator

because it’s four theaters

at any point it’s easier to be

close to people from the middle it wasn’t like a thing

where it was like yeah by being in the middle on the

on the rock stars no it’s like i need to be as

close to people in

these big shows

as possible i’ve only done one theater in the

round show ever

maybe two was

it in cape cod no

don’t think

what was the

whole thing

turned remember that round

yeah what was that one

that was a minute where

was that where

it would like the whole

stage was that

phoenix turned i

think it was

phoenix yeah i did something if it is

it always weirded me out that people were behind me

you know fucking

this is strange i’m performing

and i’m not looking there’s people behind me like that

yeah i couldn’t get past that

that was freaking me out

but what you

really is smarter

right it’s like more more dynamic it’s a

three dimensional approach

as opposed to i love

it standing

in this one

plane facing this one way

every time yeah when people are behind you too

and i always keep a little

light on everybody

there’s a constant flow of energy

by seeing other people

and feeling

it’s just there’s something unique

about being in the middle

like they’re seeing

people not just you yes they’re not just seeing a

stage with you they’re seeing people

watching you and that isn’t at it

well that’s interesting

absolutely that’s

an interesting way to look at it yeah like everybody’s

like whoa we’re on this together you’re just talking

about on an energy

level if you want to talk

about that like for me

it’s like what you put out there and it

doesn’t dissipate

the way i feel it does when you’re just

launching it at them like you’re meant to look at me

when they feel like it’s

their part of it they’re connected to it

it’s a different

kind of comedy man it’s a different show and the

screens look i got all four

so even when my backs to you

there’s never a bad seat

even if you’re up top

you’re looking directly out at a

screen so we figure out how to make it work

that’s pretty fucking bad yeah

it’s got to be really strange do shows

for that many people what is it like to do a show for

twenty i think

the most i’ve ever come out and do it man next time i

do a gig come out and do

you know come out and open

i’m telling you are

now i’m serious

maybe i always have people you know

people have

never done those shot size

shows on the last tour

i just feel like dude come out come out

and it was great man and everybody

thinks i’m not it’s not

gonna work for me there it’s like no

first of all my fans are comedy fans

they’re not the

kind of people that get like oh we’re just waiting for

they love comedy

most of my fans and

you never want

to go back once you’ve done big shows like that in the

round man it’s amazing yeah i promise very bizarre

yeah i know you dig it man you dig it

i have a shiny bald spot in the back of my head i do

not how do you up joe i’m telling you

right now i got all that shit are you kidding me i’m

thinking no hat man

20 000 people what is the biggest

crowd you’ve ever performed

gator growl

gator growl pennsylvania

forty eight thousand in florida

whoa yeah gainesville

mm hmm damn forty

eight thousand yeah holy shit that was pretty cool

what the fuck was that like

that first laugh was like

it came across the

field that’s insane but i

would never want to do that size

in that like a stadium if i could do that again

doing an arena

it’s compact everybody’s right on you and

can’t you imagine eating shit on stage

in front of 48 000 people

could you imagine

bombing can you imagine hitting a joke

especially if you did a controversial

joke and they didn’t like it they turned on you

48 000 and maybe you gotta

still do another

40 minutes oh my god you better make sure that’s what

and trust me

i made sure it’s like

my fans are showing up for this

i’m not setting myself up for that kind of you

still look back and remember the

first time you ever bombed

yeah oh yeah a

bunch of them

i just wrote it’s

called new york

i just i just

wrote a chapter

in this book i’m writing all on the very

first time i ever bombed which

is a horrible terrible disaster

that i’ll never forget because it was the

first time i ever bombed

while i was getting paid

oh that’s a big difference yeah

bombing open mike knights everybody’s

bombing you know it’s like there’s like five people are

gonna eat shit on

stage you’re only up there for five minutes

but once you do a paid

and i was middling i shouldn’t

have been middling i really didn’t have the time

and the guy went on before me fucking crushed

and there was this

chick that i

had seen the last time i was there and she was

super hot and i fucked her

and she was in the

front row and she brought her friends

and her friends look and they were

going to sit in the

front row when i went on

stage so i was panicking

i was like they’re

going to be like

right in front of me i was only like a year into comedy

year and a half

almost and this guy went up who was the mc

was way better than me

he was already better than me

and i was like i conned this fucking book me

into making me a middle

i was like it’s just a cocky douche i was like i

could be i can middle come on i can middle

so he lets me middle

and this guy goes on

stage and destroys

and he stopped

doing comedy he’s really too bad he’s a natural

i don’t remember

his name unfortunately but he fucking killed

and then i went

after him in

eight just dry

bricks of shit

with no water for 20 minutes

it was the most embarrassing feeling i’d ever

had in my life i couldn’t believe how unbearable it was

and her and her friends were like looking at each

other and her friends

would lean over and say something like you have friends

oh no and then i

could hear crickets and i’m trying to be like

extra loud because i’m

trying to bring it back to my side

so you force the

punch lines and the timing is all off and

it sucks even worse

and my only

experience with being nervous before

my only experience with pressure had been

fighting so when

fighting in tournaments

you know if you’re nervous you just turn inward

and you say this

doesn’t matter i’m

gonna do this i’m

gonna do this i’m

gonna do this i’m

gonna fucking explode i’m just

gonna fucking go

go go you’re

terrified but

you just get

psyched up to go

which is the

worst thing you

could ever do on stage

to be nervous and

aggressive and

fucking and all

introspective

and turned into yourself i don’t give a fuck what they

think i’m just gonna go

it’s the worst

mindset ever for comedy

that’s called being

carlos mencia

i’m gonna turn it in i’m

gonna explode

the most feud

i had to do

did you ever do shows without microphones oh yeah yeah

i remember parties ever do a

batch party on the mic i did yeah i used to do like

colleges around boston

where they’d hire me and i’d be like where this

i’d be standing on a pool table

i did one in the cafeteria

standing on a cafeteria chair

table yeah ricky

table like i couldn’t move

that was their

stage i did a place

in in florida called the wrath skeller

they hired me to come down and it was like one of my

first road gigs

and it was the

thing where it’s

like there’s food being served during the tvs are on

like all that shit

where it’s like the whole

everything is happening

and i’m doing

stand up and

somebody threw a hot dog at me like

five minutes into an hour

those gigs are so important man all

those shit gigs that boston comedy used to book and all

those little

weird fucking

places in new hampshire you would

drive an hour and a half up to

new hampshire and do some

weird bar with a tinny

sound system

those are so good though

when you look back at it now how important were those

like for developing your ability to like

focus on stage and kill and

cut the fat out of your act and

driving home from orno maine once

i got a gig up there and it was the

first time that

a few years and i

drove home and i’m like

all right this matters

even though it was horrible i was like this matters

this someday

i will look back on tonight and know that i

learned fucking something here

oh man but it was

you never want to come back yeah you do

those gigs and you’re just like wow like this

doesn’t even feel like show business it feels like

i did a thing with this guy

scott papper curie

he used to book the mana poisit

in this little tiny shithole

but it was a

great little room

where i got to see

teddy bergeron by the way

who was a fucking

genius yes one of the best

comics ever

one of the best

comics ever

had one of the best tonight

show sets of all time did you ever

see his tonight show set

fucking genius

and another guy were you like how

could this guy not be in everybody’s

you know mind as one of the greatest

comics ever yeah

and this guy

scott pepe cura

book to gig for he and i on

block island

and block island

is like an island outside of rhode island i think

and there’s

nothing there it’s just

drunk retarded fishermen

and they are dumb as fuck and they’re so

drunk they are

all of them there’s

maybe 20 people in the room

all of them are so

drunk they can’t even keep

their eyes open

their mouths are sliding like what’s

going on here

and we have to do comedy for them

and scott gets up and

starts shitting all over them and he was

not really you know he hadn’t been doing comedy that

long then really probably shouldn’t have been on stage

in this sort of a situation anyway

and i went on

after them and they had already turned

their backs to the comedy show like half of them

they turned

their backs and just

started a conversation

and we had to stay in

it wasn’t in a hotel room it was in a supply room

they had two cots in a

supply room

with no shower

there was a bathroom

you know we could take like you know

a horse bath yeah a horse bath

and you know we stayed in this little fucking

supply room

until we could catch the boat back the next day oh man

i did so many of those little one i mean

colleges where there’s no

site i got a gig

i know at the time yeah at the time you’re like all

right i get a gig i’m making

fifty bucks or whatever it was but oh man

brutal bangor

maine i did a bunch up there yeah

i did a bunch for norm lafoe he had all

these gigs in western massachusetts

way out there where you had to

drive 40 miles an hour because deer would jump in

front of your fucking car every five minutes

you had to be careful that you didn’t die

like you get to these certain gates yeah

these berkshire shows yeah

especially western mass

out near amherst

i remember there was a lot of two lane roads

where you would see dead deer all over the

place right

fucking wrecked cars yeah

i nailed one one

night did you yeah

yeah just his ass had just gotten past me and i did the

thing where i gunned it i’m like i wanted to swerve

the voice was like coming

and i fucking hit him and

i watched him spin off into the woods

did you can die

from that a lot of people have died from hitting like

especially if you hit a fucking

moose yeah if you hit a

moose you might be dead that’s the

way to go through the windshield and

crush your fucking

spine yeah right

i had a dream that mike goldberg guy i work with in the

ufc got killed by a grizzly bear

and it was a very

graphic movie

in my head like a very

graphic dream

where it was very realistic

right and i woke up like

literally woke up like whoa

like he was

with his wife and his kids and they were in a river

and a fucking

grizzly bear came running through the bank of the river

jumped into the

water and just fucked him up in

front of everybody jesus

yeah very strange

so mike goldberg if you’re listening but yeah

don’t go camping don’t go in the river

yeah stay the fuck away do you

think that’s the future of

that’s like 30 years from now that’s what fucking

sports gonna be it’s gonna be

literally be like a guy oh yeah

mixed martial arts verse

some kind of hybrid dna government

experiments like half fucking cougar

the only reason why there’s not

sword fights on tv is

cause no one’s put

sword fights on tv

if they were people

would love to

watch that two guys with samurai

swords trying to hack each

other’s fucking heads on i

think we’re

gonna produce our very

first show together joe

i love it the lions

versus the christians i mean

those people

weren’t much different than us today

how is that different

than ghettogaggers com how is that different than

some of the shit that you watch like

those mexican drug dealers

cutting that guy’s head off with a

small knife have you seen that video

you see the

suicide jump yeah

off the fucking overhead

just explodes

yeah his head it blows up like a coconut

that yeah kid

awful you can’t unsee that

stuff but you

should know that it’s out there

you know when you see someone really fucking

shifty when you go to 7 eleven you

should know this guy

might pull out a gun he

might commit

suicide yeah

who the fuck knows i mean

you know you’ve

seen so much fucked up shit on the internet i think

to a certain extent

it influences people’s behavior

and it makes people a little bit more fucked up than

maybe they could be because they have all this nutty

stuff that they have access to

but on the other side you

should be more

aware of what is possible

you might be a good person who’s

always around nice people you’re a mormon or something

and so you think everybody’s

mellow and predictable

and then all of a

sudden you’re around some fucking

gang banger and you don’t know what the fuck this is

right you don’t know what the

rules are you don’t know what game he’s playing yeah

and you know what most people don’t realize in

those situations you have no

you better fight your fucking ass off

when you see people

going along with it

that’s when you’re like

this is gonna be bad right

i saw a guy get

knocked out he

looked like he did

these thugs just

found him coming out of a

looks like a convenience store

they knocked him out

knocked him out

unconscious the guy falls

bangs his head off the concrete out cold

arms up in the air stiff

and the dude

starts pissing on his face

dude pulls a dick and pissed on it just decided to

knock this guy out out of nowhere

like you need

to know that there’s people like that out there

but that’s real

shit i mean you can be paranoid and fucking

you know and

start dwelling on them

and get all

second amendment

right but how do

you get to know that person they have a facebook page

hey i’m into

knocking people out

then my wrap up is

my tag is i piss on you just

it was hard

to watch follow

me on twitter it was hard to watch

cause you see the dude

half conscious

and the piss is hitting his face and just moving

that could be you it

could be anybody anybody somebody decides to just

steal on you’re in the wrong

place at the wrong time

and some guy who you

never saw come and decides to

punch you in the face and

piss on your

unconscious body

and on that note

ladies and gentlemen

i think that’s the end of this fucking podcast

i’m glad you came over

again we’re sponsored by the flashlight

flashlight com

you and i have had our differences over the year but

i always respected your ability to

market yourself and

i always respected your ambition i

think sometimes when people are ambitious

things don’t necessarily work out the way they

should be but

i know you’re a good dude

and i know that you’re always working on

your act i see it all the time i know you’re doing the

right things and i

hear your interviews and i know you’re in a good place

with your mind and i

think that’s important man

and i think it’s also important that

at a certain

stage in your life you have to

recognize when you’ve had differences with somebody and

it’s not that i don’t like you as a person

you know just differences

and i’m glad that we put all that shit past and

oh man that means the

world hearing that from me joe

you know you get a lot of

integrity and i’ve always had a lot of respect for you

which is part of the reason that

there was for me on my side

when anybody ever came to me with anything it was like

i have really nothing to say

about it and i hope that time will just

eventually figure that out so i

appreciate that good to be hearing your show will do it

again yeah dude for sure for sure and i think

stuff like this

like i said is perfect for a guy like you

so people really

get a chance to see who you really are true no bullshit

i don’t think anybody

who was thrust into your condition

is gonna come out of it without some

scrapes i mean you thrust yourself into

really like a

a stratosphere

like that very few

human beings ever have to

navigate comedy

low and you did it

yeah you did it over a very

short period of time

i think people need to respect that i

think you did an awesome job

thanks and you got through it and you’re doing all the

right shit and i

enjoyed how you did that isolated incident

i was telling people like i love how you did it all

in one take and you

did it all like with one

camera like

right on the

stand you could tell there was no edits to it

like that was

really cool that was like a cool creative choice

you know so i

think you’re doing some awesome

shit oh thanks man

thank you keep

up the good work keep it good luck

with your writing let me get that program by the way

yeah write room

folks who are into it i

think it only works for the mac but i know that there’s

a version of it for the pc as well that does the

exact same thing

and it’s just

for all you creative types who are easily distracted

and if you’re

also easily distracted and you have a hard time writing

pick up this book called the war of art

i think it’s stephen

pressfield is the guy rody ever

heard of it no

fucking incredible

war of art i bought a

bunch of them and i give them out to people

yeah i think i

might have one

i’ll give one to you it’s an amazing book and it’s all

about how you

can overcome resistance and

focus your mind for writing

really really brilliant book

i need that

everybody does read

the book man but

he was talking he talks

about it in the book me here’s a guy who really

didn’t become

successful as a writer

until he was in his 40s

and he recognizes his own

errors and what his own

bad patterns of thought and

he sort of addresses

all of them that all creative types have in this thing

cool anyway

ladies and gentlemen

twitter com

slash dane cook

twitter com

redband i’m joe rogan

thanks for tuning in you guys and

we will see you next week love you bitches