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Description

Joe sits down with Bryan Callen.

Transcript

ladies and gentlemen bam

we are live

with my pal

brian callan

ladies and gentlemen

thank callan good to be here

an honor to be here a pleasure

an honor to have you sir thank you brian is a

my longest running friend in hollywood i

think so right

yeah for 20 years yeah we’ve been friends a long ass

time almost 20 years

yeah 94 something like that people still

it was 90 1995

and and people

still come up to me and ask me if

we’re half brothers

you were the

one who used

to say it on wikipedia

that’s right

imdb one of

those it’s a

rumor i like keeping

alive yeah i keep it alive

i never refute it yeah

either do i now i

think you were the one who told me

about gracie jiu jitsu

yeah i remember

that i remember

we connected immediately yeah totally you show up in it

those guys are all just low blood

sugar there’s just a

bunch of actors all of a sudden

this guy i see i’m like wait a

minute that guy looks like me but he’s

thicker and he looks way more extreme

and you had a ten time on you really

can possibly must goes like that guy looks like he

fights you like

yeah i fight i like to

fight i need to

fight i didn’t i need to be in

class otherwise i’ll end up in jail

i was like that guy’s

gonna be my friend forever

we connected so quick

right away with

everything every retarded

thing we love pit bull and and

we both know it’s retarded that’s the difference like

all of my extreme

macho psycho shit i know it’s fucked up

like i know my

tattoos are

fucked up i know my neck is too big i don’t give a fuck

you know i know my car is too loud i don’t care

you’ve always been

you’ve always been my canary in

the coal mine

you as well you know as long as i know you’re

still out there alive

someone’s rocking it the right way no doubt

i remember that time we

spent literally a

whole day we were looking for pit bulls for me

we have to find i was like i want jaws

on a leash i just want a life support

system for jaws you’re like all

right me too

and so we end up looking and

i saw this one and it said there’s no bull in our pits

we get there and this guy

clearly fought his piss

oh yeah that guy do you know where

that guy you

don’t have a dog that killed the goats

killed goats it attacked the baby cow by

the time they didn’t

shoot it to death

meanwhile it was this 35

pound little dog that’s what people don’t know

about pit bulls the really crazy ones

aren’t like the big muscle ones the really

crazy ones are the little ones because they can

pick them up and move them around easier and

fight this thing

looks like a big yeah

they’re bred they’re not bred for like

the bread the fighting weight

classes and the baddest

motherfuckers in these little thirty five

pounders and that’s what he had

the dog did not look like a pit bull

like if you

think of a pit bull you think of this like

crazy muscular

concoction of science and breeding like a flashlight

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i’m surprised

but you know what i would talk

about it anyway just if i didn’t know and then i

found out people need to know yeah

i’m surprised

things are more popular

fantastic but yeah

these are little pit bulls back to

our story yeah i mean you had

you had the craziest little guy he was

awesome well

you had squeaky i remember it wasn’t a

squeaky farm

yes squeaky farm

killed my dog

she was she was a coffee

table i’ve never seen a dog that

she look like an alligator

the reason why i got this fucking dog

this dog was a prison dog

right this dog was in the

like literally in the the la

i got you from the

pound it was there for a

while nobody want this dog’s

crazy little muscular pitbull

and brian calls me with his ex

girlfriend who’s also fucking crazy

patty jenkins who

is the director of that

movie monster

one of the coolest

chicks ever

she’s nuts too

okay so they’re both nuts and they’re both talking

about this pit bull that i have to rescue

so they call me

up and tell me i have to rescue this and i’m like fuck

so i already have two dogs right

and i make the cardinal

sin of bringing a female

home to another

female you cannot do that with pit bulls anyway no way

can’t do with any dogs apparently

why don’t you go to a

pound to get a pit bull

that seems like even because

because his

friend brian

karen took one look at the dog went

i said the patio go

if joe sees this dog

he’s gonna adopt

it he cannot resist

here’s a problem

i’m a retard okay and he’s a retard as well

and all retards

need is another retard to

agree with them and then they just do something

totally normal

that’s how vegas was

started her

mentality just

heard exactly

all right i’ll buy it so just because

it was already in his head like i was so susceptible

i was like yeah really

what you look like

it’s like she’s got a fucking

giant head and she’s so so solid

she looks like an

alligator she looks like an alligator with pitbull

lights meanwhile she was the

sweetest dog ever

but she hated other dogs

hated them they’re unforgiving

unforgiving and ruthless she was willing to

fight for the death

fight to the

death for your

attention well i had two feet i had a female

police dog german shepherd

and a pit bull and they used to get in such bad

fights and for me

i was just looking at sixteen

hundred dollars there another sixteen hundred dollars

there as they’re tearing each

other up for the vet

i got so good though at choking

just right the

problem is not when you’re there the problem is

when you’re not exactly and that’s what happened with

squeaky she killed one of my dogs when i wasn’t here

she’s a crazy dog but she just did

would not tolerate any bullshit and

because the way they

raise them man you know

they’re just willing to

fight to the death the

game ones are the ones that get to

every other animal

fights out of fear of

dominance and

dominance including territorial you

know which is

under the umbrella being territorial

whereas pit bulls actually are bred

to actually

enjoy the fight

and a lot of times in the fight

they’re into it they’re wagging their tail

you know they’re

great dogs if

you raise them

and you’re there with them

all the time they’re

super loving and really

loyal companions

but they’re dangerous as fuck when it comes to

other animals

they’re too crazy

having them

i prefer to not have them even though you know i

loved my dogs they were awesome dogs they were

super friendly and

obedient and

they were really like affectionate

too much man

too crazy too

dangerous you know

other people’s dogs get fucked up by your

dog and you feel like a douchebag you know it’s like

you can’t take him to the dog park

they’re on a leash

my dog bit at someone’s face

someone’s dog’s face

through the fence and

grabbed a hold of it through this dog’s fence

we were walking i totally didn’t

expect it we were walking

and he’s on a leash

and this dog

sticks his head through the fence

and he’s like what bitch

and he’s locked onto

it so fast so

quick he had half of the fence in his

teeth and half of this dog’s face did you have to

choke him off

yeah and pull

away you have to grab his collar and twist it

and yank on him

i had to put him to sleep

i had to put him to

sleep a couple times i had to put him to

sleep when he was trying to kill my cat

yeah he was fucking nuts yeah it was a

great yeah thanks francra

yeah he was a

great dog like with

people but with animals and it was not how i raised him

it just it is

it’s just their genetics

you know i raised him around his cat

i raised him around cats and dogs

the more we

learn was around him all the time

it just they’re just too crazy

the more we learn

about genetics anyway the more we realize it’s so

much it’s a lot less nurture than it is nature we are

slaves to our

dna in a lot of ways there’s a lot of that

going on for sure both

humans and in animals there’s nothing you could tell

me there’s it’s all moving in a certain direction

for a reason okay because this is the best way

that the species stays strong

you know and there’s a

bunch of fucking chemicals and a lot of them are

dictating your

actions all the time and if you’re a pit bull

i mean how much of no no

no is gonna get in your head

very well you know

the reading this book we were talking

about it yesterday where

genetically

for thousands of years

people have

learned how to

crossbreed you

know and whether it’s

plants or animals

and come up with what they want

but now with genetic engineering we’re gonna have

crazy abilities

do this on pinpoint accuracy like combining

an actual like

alligator with you know i mean for real

an alligator with a lion i mean they’re doing

crazy experiments

where they can

cross pollinate

dna that’s totally inside the realm of possibility

yeah you know what’s really nuts man is dogs

no one real there’s no real answer

to how people bred dogs to be so

crazy different

and they all came from wolves

genetically all dogs come from wolves

and that was like a big

shock when they

found that out

because that just

leaves a whole lot of questions like

you know we don’t

you know so

they don’t know

where the delineation

happened how they don’t know they thought it was a

bunch of other wild cannons

and i would have to double check this

article because i don’t really recall the details of it

but i remember that they were

shocked that they

found that dogs dna

was direct from wolves

and that somehow or another a wolf became a chihuahua

you know a wolf became a bulldog

you know they just slowly

how the fuck did that happen well that’s

breeding that’s thousands of years of

breeding that

seems wrong they can do that sources

i know i know it’s

right but it seems

wrong it seems like

if you had a bet

you’d be like how

could that be

right how is that possible

a fucking chihuahua came from a wolf

that there’s no way

how could you make

something but

human beings as they

learn more about the genome

they couldn’t figure out why

aids never became

heterosexual

disease in this country but it was rampant in africa

well what they just discovered was

that when you have a certain mutation on your gene

that mutation if you’re

northern european

anybody really that you know that’s white

or from of european descent

they are the ones that survived the bubonic plague

and everybody else died and the people that survived

that plague had a certain mutation in their gene

that also makes them

hiv resistant

whereas the bubonic plague did not hit africa

africa had its own diseases but that

particular plague

never hit africa

so they never even

they never developed a mutation in

their gene to survive a plague like that yeah

it’s kind of

crazy it’s fucking nuts i’m smart

the just the diversity of it all it’s just

how different

things are happening

all the time there’s different diseases we’re

fighting off and there’s

different things we’re

adapting to and who knows what’s

going on with our

brains right now because of

the different

kinds of access to information that we have now

with the internet and you

know just with social networking

there’s so much more access to information

right now like

who knows what’s

changing in our minds because of that well what

about the fact that

when we create an actual neural web

where we have

where everybody’s

genuinely connected to one specific club

with something in your body

that’s so possible well

they’re all talking

about this already

well they already are they’re already

working on synthetic biology

dna that’s synthetic that actually can grow

in a petri dish

you’re listening to

science talk with

brian callan and joe rogan

did you ever

think when you were doing

that you were in the hangover did you ever

think that movie was

gonna be like

movie of the year

the movie of the line no idea

i remember showing up there and

i went in for the audition for todd phillips who have

known for a

while and i was

planning like a new york guy you know hey how you doing

this is eddie

and he likes when i improvise

so i was kind of improvising and i put a girl there

and when i got to the reading i said you know

maybe i’ll play him like you

know i’m from lebanon

if i make a very good

prize laugh

laugh laugh

so i show up i do my two days of work in vegas

bradley cooper i’ve

known for eight years i’ve

known zach for 15

i just done a

movie with ed

helms before that

and i’m talking

these guys name

dropper yeah yeah

thank you so much name

dropper and

but i remember

saying of talking to bradley i was like how’s it

going he goes i don’t

know dude i’ve done a

bunch of movies i don’t know if anybody’s

watching them you know

wow money i’m not making

and just it was this tiny

movie where none of them were making any

money i turn to todd phillips and i go

how much you make

of this movie i mean

he makes good

money he goes you’re making more than i am

i say what do you mean he goes

i deferred my

salary for a backend and i remember

literally thinking to myself i went

whatever dude you’re out of your mind

no stars it’s a

movie called hangover in vegas also

has to do now is be good

if it’s good people talk

about it just through networking facebook and twitter

and just that’s like find out

about shit but

you know i don’t

maybe you can

maybe you have a theory on why the hangover was

a phenomenal

thing because it was awesome

because it was fun because people went

to see it and they had a good time it’s that simple

yeah it was a really

i mean it was

a really kind of almost like a cliche subject

going to vegas and

going crazy and

partying and

we wake up what happened what went wrong

but it was done so well

every part about it was great

the acting was

great the stories were fun

they were silly but yet believable enough todd

phillips knows how to make a

movie that guy

he basically

wrote and directed bad santa

and nobody knows that

that was him

they gave him a 40

minute like

thing and harvey weinstein

was like you

gotta save this

movie and he

basically went back rewrote and re

did the whole

thing and shot it that guy’s

crazy he’s like

bob thornton

oh oh yeah yeah

i worked for

the nice guy really yeah

nice guy but you

see that interview in canada

he was on this really cool

radio show and i

think it’s in toronto

and the guy was talking to him the guy introduces

him in the band

and just for context

states that this guy’s a

you know academy award winning actor

and just you know to try to like

layer the story that this guy’s a bad

motherfucker

right right

giving him his props

billy bob goes into a hissy

fit because the guy was not supposed to mention acting

so he i love actors take

you make believe

for a living dude

exactly you’re not even

he’s like i’m a

musician do you not

understand i’m a

musician and you know he’s

just like answering

his questions all fucked up and we’re just trying to

throw the guy off

and the guy handles it amazingly the guy just

totally like rational

talking you know

totally calm

makes it through without any

freak outs me

harry’s got this fucking

world famous

you know academy award winning actor who’s

clearly being crazy

like mad at him

because he mentioned that he happened to win an

oscar well he’s been

married i think five times

right i mean

think about that for a

second you know i mean come on guys

how crazy is brad pitt that brad pitt does not look at

angelina jolie

and goes wait a

minute how nutty is this bitch

she fucked this guy

she fucked this guy and she

should take his

blood and wear it around her neck

okay what bumpy

it is what’s

going on here he’s probably really stung like

dude you got

blood around your neck you know like he’s probably i

think she just worked him i

think she came in i

think she’s an alpha

fucking female

vaginal predator

i think she just

grabbed him held him down

and and made a

meter pussy

and that was it she’s

done she just shut him off

you listen that

would have ended

by now i know i

think he’s a

that power goes away

what power her being able to be like oh

no with you she’s

magic maybe

with magic no

you know i was

i don’t mean to diss brad pitt i don’t really

you know have anything

against him but i was listening to

larry king once and

larry king was

talking this guy was like who the fuck is this dummy

and it turned out

to be brad pitt

i was listening in my car

i had no idea who the fuck it was i was this guy’s an

idiot who is this guy

larry king’s talking what is this guy do

we’ll be right back with brad pitt

and i was like wow

brad pitt is dumb

i mean look he’s a fucking actor he

doesn’t have to be

smart and maybe he is

smart nobody’s just

not good at talking nobody ever i always say

it might be

i mean some people come off badly in an interview

i know i have he’s a simple guy i

think he’s a simple guy who

had a certain bone

structure that cut

light well and

his strength

is he’s not afraid to look bad and not afraid

to take chances he keeps trying to be really good

well i think he’s

a really good actor like i thought he was awesome in

an interview with the

vampire that’s

like one of my favorite

roles ever yeah

but it’s also because

he hasn’t become a

victim to his good looks like he’s always

trying to do something

different and

his production company makes a lot of

money and does really makes really good

movies i’m not

saying he really is a retarded i really do

enjoy his acting

just thought a

fight club but

because he’s a movie star

because yeah and

well it’s also

it’s not even

that it’s just usually it’s the ability to project

a lot of times people they can be smart just

they’re not that good at stringing words together

and you know and coming off smart but

but you know

also intelligences compartmentalize you can be very

smart in one area and not

smart at all sure

and i think that was someone like brad pitt

i don’t think it ever made it was ever relevant for him

until probably

read a whole lot

about other things

when you’re a prince in hollywood and you’re

spending a lot of time on set

you can create deficits that way

or not fill in the holes you need to that’s one of the

things that i

loved about

brian when i

first met him was like here

was this guy who was an actor who wasn’t like actors

cause i had only been in hollywood when i met

brian for about a year

and i was just sick of it i was

ready to go back home

i was ready to

quit acting

and go back to

stand up comedy

new york i just didn’t like actors

and then i got newsradio and then i decided to stay

and then i met brian

but he was like the

first actor that i met that wasn’t like an actor you

guys were both on newsradio at one

yeah he played my

brother and

nick depalo

nick depaul

played my other brother that was awesome but

when i first came on the set here’s a perfect example

brian and i

were hanging out in this cafeteria and we were eating

and brian was doing some

impression or something and i was

laughing fucking

hysterically

it was really

funny shit and

this other guy

who was the actor who was on the show with us as well

was trying just to top brian

kept trying to top him

like everything

brian would say

he’d be like nettie be like man

bitch i got your shit

right here it was like really

wowed and trying too hard and it’s like a

sharp f when you’re listening to a symphony

and somebody’s going

with a horn

and you’re like who’s blowing that horn over

there yeah yeah it

doesn’t go so

it was just you know immediately i

could see like okay

here’s an actor

that guy’s an actor that’s what they’re like

you know or

any of those

really creepy needy

hollywood people they

wouldn’t have to be an actor

you know you

could be a comic and be like that you could be

be anything but you’ll be a singer and be like that

but it’s that creepy needy

entertainment i

think it has

to do with not having perspective

and putting yourself at the

center of the universe that’s what a lot of actors do

they actually

think that what they’re doing and what they

think and what they have to say is

historically relevant

and that comes from being

self involved to the nth degree

which in some ways i feel almost unique

sometimes to be an actor it

also is because of the environment on sets

when you’re on a set

everyone is kissing your ass

if you’re the star if you’re

some big guy and you’re on a set

everyone is

relying on you to pay

their bills

your success means that you know

they get to keep

their job and they get to buy a new house

so they’re always kissing you’re

treated like a prince

you’re treated like real

ridiculous you

could you could be

wrong about

things people won’t argue

and you see it you see

it like all the time yeah so people create their own

they create

their own reality and

and then everybody kind of

enters into this mutual

agreement that they’re

going they’re

gonna sort of

keep your reality a reality

especially when you know if you’re working long

hours which

they are in a lot of

movies and especially like a lot of hour tv shows

they work long ass fucking

hours and people get cranky

and when you get

cranky you want to just yell to get

things done

well that starts a precedent

and then they

get used to yelling at people and then it becomes

they’re allowed

to yell at people then it becomes oh here’s that

crazy actor he’s running

everything everybody

quiet quiet quiet

so they get this

completely distorted perception

of where they fit in the real circle of life

well fucking pretenders

but they’re locked in this

weird social

system that like

rewards it have you guys met john lithgow

and what is he like i’m

i have i read i did a

i auditioned

with him once really and he read with me it was kind of

exciting he was on

third rock from the sun when i was on news

radio i got

to meet him at one of those nbc

press junket

things yeah just

he’s a cool dude he’s a real actor he does a lot of

stage still in new york

and very nice guy

really really who’s that

guy from fargo

the guy with joe montagne

who’s that guy

what’s his name

bill oh bill

macy bill macy

hilarious actor

really really really awesome actor

i met him once

and i said hey man i really love that

movie you did with joe montehania

and he makes this

joe montagne

how is his name

joe montana joe montagne

martini yeah

so he goes it’s joe montagne

so he says that to me

and i’m like god i’m that fucking

idiot guy who’s saying

you really like something joe montagne

yeah i mean it’s like one of the few guys that

ever want to meet i mean fargo is one of my favorite

movies ever

so like me meeting

him was like wow i’m really meeting this guy

and he’s like it’s

joe antonio

like oh i gotta go now i’m just such a piece of

shit how many

people go up to joey diaz

thinking he’s the guy from the sopranos oh big

pussy yeah always

thinking joey

diaz is big

pussy from sopranos

that’s funny

well so what

i mean what was it

like for you coming into hollywood and dealing with all

these actor type

human beings because it is

like it really is

for people who don’t know

for people who have

regular jobs

it is shocking

when you’re when you

first get around actors it’s shocking

yeah because they’re telling you two plus two is 16

and it’s just the weirdest

world and they’re all democrats

all of them

because they

believe that there’s such

thing as being able to socially engineer

equality and that washington knows what to do with your

money i don’t even

think that i think they

think that the left is the best they think that

going left and being like this socially

aware person makes you look cooler in hollywood

it’s like a mindset that they

adopt without really considering

any of the different aspects of that mindset it’s just

it’s a hollywood

theme right

i was gonna say

a lot of times i find that

they don’t know that there’s an alternative out there

they don’t know that just saying

just because you’re not a left wing

doesn’t mean you’re a

quote unquote republican do you not go

crazy when you hear wheeze

when you hear like people go like they talk

about the democratic

party like well we’ve

gotta win this

yeah yeah it’s like you’re

thinking like it’s the dodgers well

also it’s a collectivist mindset

which if you look at history has

never really produced any results at all

what makes this country great is

individuals who take a chance and get rewarded for it

coming up with ideas and in a

way that’s actually the best way to create a community

i mean it’s hard to rely

on each other there’s a

broad spectrum

of ideas to lump them into two competing camps is

absolutely ridiculous

especially when people just

jump on either camp and

everything they say is gospel

and you’re a neanderthal if you don’t believe exactly

you said it you said it it’s like team it’s like two

different teams when you

watch the elections

our team versus your team and

any of your ideas be damned because my team’s gonna win

my favorite guy that i know

that i used to know who was a real like

liberal leftist like really like

everything wanted

reparations for slavery for real

believed that he called himself a feminist

i’m not bullshitting he called himself a

fan of us and when he was married

i believe he even

changed his name

he changed his wife’s name

he hyphenated and her name was last oh

what trying to reinvent the wheel

yeah he hyphenated

not not she hyphenated he hyphenated his own name

and accepted hers last is like the

dominant name that’s like the hot tip time machine dude

this guy was like

his body was made of jello

his hands were frail

and tiny and his

hips were odd

he had none

he had none he walked funny

there was like a

funny walked him

he just had

no ability to get out of the way of anything

but that’s his way

of making himself feel significant that was his game

his game was

i am gonna support

your rights as a

woman more than a man

than other women will i will do it as a man yeah

that’s my that’s his rap

yeah it’s real

it’s all it’s all it’s all like

that’s that he

figured out that that got him laid a couple times then

just bought into that’s all he had available what is he

gonna do is either

gonna do that or

gonna collect guns

you know that’s what he’s gonna do

he’s got one or the

other bro you’re

gonna go one extreme

you’re compensating whether you like it or

not your dick is an inch long and you’re made of jello

all right you’re compensating what

a disaster yeah

he was my favorite example of someone

who was just like

this guy was like would

treat you could not

have a discussion

about something

you could not have a

discussion about

war you could not have a discussion

about politics anything

that involved

the democrats and the republicans

could not have

it because as soon as you had an opposing

point of view

well like you don’t

think that maybe it’s a good idea to pay attention

to really radical

groups all over the

world you don’t

think that maybe is a good idea and that’s

maybe kept people safe

you fucking

right wing neanderthal

so he shuts you down oh yeah immediately he

builds a wall around you and so now you’re on that name

calling and

defines you

and it’s always you know

right wing which i’m the last person to be

right wing or

anyway well i always i always reject i always

i’m more of a

libertarian

i’ve just always believed that

i believe that

human beings know how to govern themselves i

think you have to have a certain amount of government

i believe you have to have roads and you have to have a

strong defense you have to have police

force i believe in that

stuff however

i think we are

i don’t want to say we’re headed toward this

trend but i

think that the danger has always been and george

washington said that people will invent laws to take

their own power away from them

there’s always a danger that a centralized bureaucracy

will get enough power become a leviathan

where it just

starts needing more and more resources

and you lose your freedoms

you do in the name of making the

world a better place there’s always a benevolent

concept behind it but

i i think that the the best way to look at things is

when people say you’re conservative well i was

i don’t like that i don’t like when people say

that because what they’re saying is that i am somehow

it has in its connotation the idea that i am

very stodgy and very

strict and very controlling

whereas i’m actually

quite the opposite i believe i’m

you could call me

right wing certainly not left wing because i believe in

maximum personal freedom

i believe you

should legalize drugs because i

think people know

essentially how to

govern themselves and if they don’t they’re people are

gonna do drugs anyway

that’s just one example

but i think for the most part

government should be

treated like a necessary evil

not a huge engine for good the only problem with

legalizing drugs

is that if and

this is i mean

this is an argument and i’m

not exactly sure i support it but this is the argument

the argument is that if you made drugs legal

then big corporations

would step in

and be even more out of control because they

would realize that the real

money is in selling people

these drugs that used to be illegal

and they would package them and make them very

cheap and very available and because of the fact

there’d be so

much of it because there’d be profit in it that people

would do it that

wouldn’t ordinarily do it

i don’t necessarily buy it

but i do think that you have to be really careful of

allowing anybody to make a living or make

money or get rich

off of something that can fuck

other people up

like cigarettes you

consider about

cigarettes now

they’re pimps

the people that are selling

cigarettes right now

look i know there’s

billions and billions of dollars in

cigarettes but

you know what the fuck you’re doing

you know what the fuck you’re doing period

bait anymore this isn’t 1950s with

those camels on

tv you’re putting yourself

up i recommend

camels yeah

you know it’s not that you’re fucking yourself for sure

and you’re making

billions of dollars off people fucking themselves

but don’t you

think that there’s always

gonna be a segment of the

population that is

going to just

abuse themselves i

think that certain

people do drugs and whether or not they’re

legal or not it

would probably raise the

the usage maybe

but for the most part i

think when people who want to get high

they find a way to get high

it’s true but the idea that you can profit off that

i think i don’t think you

should be able to profit

off people are profiting people over people are

profiting now you know the

local drug dealer so

i don’t think that

should be legal

i think you know i’m all for

drugs being

legal sort of as a

statement yeah i’m all for drugs being legal

i’m not for you know

i’m totally for social

darwinism but

i can see this as an argument

that’s all i’m saying i’m not saying that i support it

i’m saying i can see the argument that if you did there

would be more access there

would be more of it and you

would have even more

of a problem than we have already of corporations being

basically sociopathic

you know not caring

is profit ahead of

you know these questions

are getting

only more and more relevant

and deeper and deeper and and

this is the

other issue

we are now coming up with

technology the

genies out of the bottle we’re coming up with

technology that

has the potential to do incredible good but

also be incredibly destructive for example

is scientists are now

learning how to create new life

forms out of

synthetic material that have

never existed and they’re creating

self replicating proteins

what does that mean

that means that

in 20 30 40 years nobody knows but this

stuff is moving exponentially

you’re probably

going to have computers machines whatever

you want to call them that replicate themselves right

what do you do what is the

dialogue and what are the questions that accompany that

what is to say that

these machines

will have a respect for

their biological heritage

you tell me is there a guarantee

there probably is no there’s no guarantee and if

they become intelligent and they develop some sort of a

self defense mechanism

and it’s like skynet that’s

what it really is

that’s what

every computer scientist

that is the conversation that guys like ray kurzweil

and these computer scientists

are talking

about yeah it’s a real conversation that’s not

being addressed anywhere else when people are talking

about lindsay

lohan going to jail

well exactly and

exactly and that’s the

tidal wave that’s

coming that nobody sees very few people see that

we’re gonna i think

our futures are

gonna be so

radically altered in the next 20 years

i don’t think we’re

even i don’t

think we’re even

aware of how radical the changes have been that have

taken place in our life

things are gradual you get used to it

we get used to the fact that we’re doing this

thing right now and

thousands of

people are listening to it live and it’s

going out all over the world

as a podcast hundreds of thousands of people

and it’s through

just a fucking

sitting in a room in my

house well by

the way the internet is just it’s 5 000 days old

the internet is 5 000 days old

people don’t

ever realize put it into context but if you think

about how long it’s been around for 15 years

that’s 5 000 days

a little over 5 000 days

so the internet has just been around for 5 000 days

now what’s gonna happen

in 20 000 days

jesus christ

think about how fast

this stuff is moving yeah yeah

it’s staggering

it’s hard to really wrap your head around

it it’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that

200 years ago

the best way to get around was to ride an animal

200 years ago if

you wanted a

picture of someone you had to draw it

yeah there was no cameras 200 years ago

that’s incredible

just incredible that’s two lifetimes

two lifetimes

and everything’s

radically changed yeah

the internet’s

totally like a drug nowadays they’re

gonna find a way to sell the internet

to you like a drug a little bit you know

i just can’t believe that the government’s not like

grabbing a hold of the internet

and trying to make as much

money as possible they

can’t the government

the problem is you look at it as the government yeah

the government but the government it’s like it would be

great if there was only like ten people on the earth

and there was

like two dudes and they were the government

then that would work

but the same people

that would profit

off drugs then

the same people have profit off

well how would they do that

they would censor it they would

they can’t i don’t think

you’re talking about

first of all the government

the government is a several different

race is about 50 different competing entities

right i don’t

think it’s possible

but i’m just

saying that it’s amazing that they you know

which brings up this subject that i wanted to talk

about hr five

seven four one slavery

this is that yeah

charlie rangale

i think that’s how you say rangle

rangle yeah

he is proposing this

bill that everyone served

two years of service

mandatory service

whether it be in the military or military support

and the reason why he’s proposing this

is because he believes that the war is

wrong and that he wants to

make a point by

if these congressmen

aren’t willing to go themselves

if they’re not willing to send

their family

and their loved ones

then they shouldn’t be supporting this war which is

very fair it makes sense but

the problem is it’s

still it’s like

you can’t even offer that up as an option

as a rational option

you can’t offer up two years mandatory service

fuck you asshole

you know fuck you to make a

point you know if you want to make a

point do with your

mouth don’t propose shit that will enslave people

you know it’s a

throwback it’s not

gonna work but

it works in

europe works

it works here israel

we had it here

for a long time we had a mandatory draft

until the 1960s

yeah but that

was that was a

draft that’s

a little bit different this is mandatory service for

every single person

everyone served in certain

countries yeah

everyone served two years mandatory minimum

yeah but you know good luck charlie i mean

good luck trying to get well

he’s not gonna get it past and i don’t

think he wants to get it passed but by

point he was

making a point but even that

point suggesting that is that’s like fucking treason

i just agreed

it out there that that’s a rational argument

you are lowering the

standards of opposition

you’re saying

if you are supposed to be the

thing that’s protecting us

from the military

industrial complex and the global machine

it’s supposed to be our

elected representatives

and our elected representatives are proposing

that everyone be enslaved by the fucking country

and being forced to do two years of mandatory

service no matter what your job is

fuck you exactly

fuck you by

the way by the way that’s exactly what i’m talking

about government will if you give if you

allow government to and i’m talking

about just any leviathan any huge

they will they will take your

power away from you

history shows that

time and time

again doesn’t have to be

right or left wing about that

that’s just a that’s

open a history book

yeah it runs on momentum

and the problem is

our society is so complex

that 90 of the people

90 of the time are doing shit

that they don’t want to be doing to support the machine

the machine is that big that’s right

it’s so good well

think about when

taxes are 48

in some brackets

or well actually in this country that 38

38 of your day is working for the government you 38

of your time you are working for someone else and you

never see the benefits of that you

think not only

that but your tax

money that you’ve already paid

taxes on it

you get taxed

again when you buy

things your

sales tax exactly

oh and by the way when you

leave your inheritance to your kids you

that gets taxed oh and by the way at 60

that you’ve already been taxed yeah

and your social security if you die

before your social security the government gets that

money your family

doesn’t get that

money so all that

money you’re putting away you better live

till you’re 65 and then you get it in increments

so there are a lot of issues that

but isn’t this the main

issue there’s too many people

that’s the main

issue the main

issue is this

thing is gigantic

and it’s totally

out of control and one of the reasons why

is that there’s too many of us

people have been saying that for a long time and i

think that’s certainly an issue

but i happen to believe that

human beings with

technology and

their imagination will be able to accommodate

the 9 billion

people that are coming in the next 15 years

i mean 9 billion more no

we’ll be at 9 billion in

about 15 years from most projections

in fact most of the

populations including the middle east the mean

age is 35 years old so

a lot of competent

countries are actually have

stable or negative

population growth

even in africa they just did a they just

these invest

like moody’s or something said that africa

african bonds are actually

worth investing in because huge

swaths of africa are now seeing a middle class

360 million of them have cell phones

what comes with that

is less children

because as people

move into cities and away from rural areas

they don’t have as many children

and so what’s

been surprising that nobody predicted in the 70s

when you had

things like the

population bomb that was written in

things is that

population in a lot of countries

especially europe

and now more and more in the middle east

has actually

started to stabilize and decline germany has a zero

population growth

really a zero zero

mexico mexico

which a lot of people

think well that you know they’re

exploding the

population because they have a lot of children here

mexico now is down to i believe

26 children

a couple when it used to be

literally you know

eight nine so people

people as they as they get access to information

say i want more for me why do i want 15

children’s are fucking

crazy with kids man

it’s funny that

that’s like an insult somehow another you know

if you say something

about mexicans you know you say

which got like

eight kids and every

oh what are you racist

like no mexicans

have a lot of kids and kids are awesome

why is it a bad

thing to have a lot of kids

right dude you know i love

kids they work hard i love having kids they’re awesome

like if you got

eight i’m not hating on you

but why is it

funny that if you’re mexican you have

eight kids you say that and be like oh yeah asshole

by saying that asshole

no certain cultural

things are very resilient it’s like

black people with chicken and watermelon

why is that bad chicken and

watermelon are both awesome yeah

you know i love them i love

watermelon it’s fucking delicious and i love chicken

how come you can’t

bring up you know if you get

a black waiter

what would you

like i’d like some chicken and

watermelon like that there’ll be some tension but

a lot of that comes back to you know in the

in the 50s in the

south they would make posters of a

black you know of course i know

where it all comes from but it’s

2010 why are

we hanging on to that yeah man chicken is awesome

right fried chicken

tastes awesome

and watermelon

tastes awesome

how are those back

take the power away from chicken and

watermelon that’s

ridiculous i can’t wait

till they combine the two although i’m not a fan of the

grape soda huh

not really great

crush a great

crush in a bottle

you know you know brennan

city has a joke

where he says that

that brothers are

the one thing that one

place they’re

not cool like they’re usually really way cooler than

white people

and he goes and i

heard i was

watched a bunch of

black guys in the audience just die over this he goes

the one blazed you guys are not cool

is when you when you see a

magic trick

like when they see

magic they’re like oh shit

come around

they jump around they run out of the room

they come back and

stuff it was so

funny brennen hurts is funny

oh god yeah

he’s a good dude

he’s another

dude brett’s a really good guy not like a comedian

no brett brett’s a very normal dude he is that’s

just there’s not that many there’s more

comics that are like that than our actors for sure

comics are much more humbled by life you know

it’s much more difficult

you know i have to be more

grounded i was gonna say

about la when i

first came you know i had been mike

childhood i’d

grown up in

seven different

countries you know

yeah you too

you had a really interesting life i

don’t know how much of it you’re allowed to talk about

you know how to talk

about your dad

yeah i mean you

know no but

no but no but

i was i was

bounced around so many different

countries i mean i didn’t live in the same place

until i was

15 for a year i mean

i was saudi arabia 11 on pakistan greece

india the philippines

constantly bounced around and then

to get me what i know

well i am i’m very

people don’t know is

brian was the other

voice in my

getting pumped

audio clip if you’ve heard it like

stern used to play it all the time

like mikey and this guy were

in the basement

flat come on your ass looks awesome come on

muscular we

we did that it was that was him and i and it was

over at warner brothers with ginger lin

yeah yeah yeah

but you guys need to make a sequel to that

well i wrote

about it i wrote one where they wind up sucking each

other off because they shave each other’s balls

like you know i don’t think i’m thinking

about getting dick surgery like

your dick is awesome it’s huge

you know what

you need to do you need to shave your pubes

like shave your

pubes yeah you shave your pubes makes you

cut why is it

check mine out look at that it’s all shaved

my dick looks way bigger right

i don’t remember what it used to look

like come on let me see what your boom see we got there

he pulls his

pants down he’s got like all this pubes like

i can’t even see a dick it’s a fucking

it’s a forest in here we’re gonna

start trimming

and then he

trims it down he’s like wow that kind of tickles

look your cock looks huge now it doesn’t i

swear to god

i think i would

start gagging if i had that dick in my

mouth come on

and then they start face fucking each

other it’s like really violent but

in a straight way

it was a story that i

wrote about on my blog it’s an absolute true story

a buddy of mine was a director of porno films

and he invited us to a porno

party me and a bunch of guys from jiu jitsu

so we get there

and we’re like we were thinking what is a porno

party gonna be like it’s all porno stars like this is

gonna be a freak show

right we get there no it’s all dudes

it’s all dudes and people who work for the

it’s basically like their rap party

and a few girls show up okay

and oh you went over there that was the one we went to

so obvious thing oh my god so they say

so they say sit down we’re

about to everybody please be seated we’re

about to start the movie

and it’s this movie that’s like it’s art porn

and it’s like real acting and real plots with porn

so it’s death okay i mean the acting is the

worst ever they’re projecting it inside of a

building by the way exactly it’s like really blurry

so while this is going on

this one chick i won’t even say her name she’s getting

fucking plowed on the screen

this guy is

just fucking her face he’s just got her mounted and i

guess that’s her

thing and she likes to gag and shit so

while this all is going on

someone goes she’s here

so she pulls up and a guy gets out of the car

and then she gets out of the car

and the guy

starts walking towards this screen

with this look

on his face like he cannot fucking believe what he

thinks their

first shades

got this this guy’s

going ass to

mouth on her

he’s going ass

mouth ass mouth

and his every time we’d

fuck her in

the ass we’d be like this like hard like you

could hear his balls slapping off of her ass

it was like the way i describe is like two

chalkboard erasers

so he’s like fuck it her ass

and then her

mouth when he’s fucking her

mouth it’s like she’s an otter it’s like

and this dude is just fucking her

mouth fucking her ass fucking her

mouth fucking her ass

i mean it is brutal it’s brutal it’s a hate

fuck he’s spitting in her face i mean it’s fucking

hardcore and this kid is looking at this

and his jaw is totally drop

and i start like inching towards him i’m like i

wanna know if this kid knows

does he know

this can’t be

possible he had no idea he had no idea it was their

first date it was their

first date she told him that she was a makeup artist

and she took him

to a fucking porn

premier but

she didn’t know they’re

gonna be playing her life

no no no she

did not on the side of a

building somehow another she thought he wasn’t

gonna find out that she’s a porno star

so she goes i was

gonna tell you

that’s exactly

how she said it like this

i was gonna tell you

and and then we

grabbed the guy and we interviewed him and i took

pictures of him chair

he held it together dude the

guy was i wonder

if they markably

i think you know immediately the poor guy

look she was hot as fuck

yes and the poor

guy probably thought

wow i got a real hottie

that’s fucked up that she

didn’t say anything well she’s fucked up she’s crazy

yeah but i mean

you know like just

stds alone you

should tell

somebody well

nothing happened i mean she

doesn’t have any responsibility

until they fuck

maybe she wasn’t

gonna get him

our pal who

i can’t name

um had a hot

date with a porn star he thought

he got over to her

place and you know

hey you want to come over

smoke a little pot sure

so he goes over place

smokes a little pot with her

tries to bust a move it’s just like no no no

i just want us to be

smoking buddies

that’s what

she said to him

and so i get you for your

amazing conversation oh

that’s terrible that’s the

worst ever i just

wanna be your

smoking but you’re

right there and that

must have been very similar

to how this well this guy must have felt a lot worse

but he probably felt

like this hot girl

she’s super hot i’m

gonna go to her

party at work

fuck it she’s so hot look at her body my god

and then he gets out of the car

you trying to show me you’re a good girl now fuck

it’s like you were so

close and i fuck

and i’m the one guy you don’t fuck i’m the one guy

dude you bang stranger she’s a living

as fuck he’s beating

after all the time waiting for this

oh yeah we’re gonna have this hot

date we’re gonna hang out can you say who the boys

always knew

gets over place

terrible sorry i just want to be smoking buddy that’s

awful sorry

no sorry tired of sex sorry

this little tiny skirt throw you off and

these ten inch heels did you really

think that i was gonna fuck you

oh my god that makes me mad oh my

god i’m not like that that makes me angry

he said if you’re a

woman and you do porn you have to make it really

clear with dudes that can’t fuck you yeah

i say oh by the way

you can’t fuck me

yeah you know you can’t just say it’s never

gonna work either come on over my house and

smoke some weed at night

oh okay you figure

yeah what’s gonna happen there you want a massage

yeah we’ll stop off

and pick up some condoms oh

squirting lotion

on her back and oh finger my asshole what

finger your asshole

i just want to be smoking buddies

his alarm clock went off

high heels right him up i had a little

work and this is like a real porns the girl guy

porn star oh

fuck yes i don’t remember who it is she’s og

she’s a fucking she’s a talented performer yeah

high heels and

shit my favorite

shit why do guys always why do straight guys always

pretend they’re like

joke around in a gay way it’s so funny

that’s a gross thing my buddy kristalia

sends me pictures sometimes unless it’s funny

yeah you know krystalia right

krystalia where

in the crystal is a young comic really

funny guy and i’ll get pictures on my cell phone

it’ll just be

a picture of his like his

stone washed jeans

with kind of

like just the bulge of his pants

it’ll just be a close up shot

he’s like keep up the good work brian

to some innocuous

thing i’m like what the fuck

or then i get a picture the other day on my phone

and he’s got his heart on

wrapped in a sheet he’s holding

on a sheet like that

and the caption says dude there’s a ghost in my room

i was like what the fuck

dude that’s okay i’m glad we put that in the podcast

cause somebody needs to put that in the

movie oh it was the funniest thing in the

world pay him or put him in the movie and have him i

show up with a laugh actor

i show up a laugh actor

and he’s like hey and he’s got his

phone i walk into his

phone and it’s him

holding his dog he’s got a little fluffy

white dog with glasses on

and half a heart on standing

marching his

chest like that with his dog

i went oh what are you doing

and then he walked by me as i was talking and take his

phone and rub it across my face and

i was like it’s just a strange thing

oh that’s hilarious

if it wasn’t for gay people we would be missing a big

chunk of the fun in our culture absolutely

elton john style sunglasses and they start

the trends they

start the fashion trends man

guys about that’s gay and

then four years later they’re like

where that what’s really funny is like

you know rob halford

is like the originator of all that

like leather

fucking dominatrix type shit

you know the way he dresses on stage

and he was gay

and he got all these people to

dress like him it’s fantastic i mean how many people

dressed the way they

dressed you

know that wanted

to be like rockers because of rob halford

from judas priest yeah

fucking a lot of them he was gay he was gay

gay as fuck

so was pete townsend

pete townsend

did a lot of gay shit

pete townsend i

guess is i don’t know if he’s gay or he did a

lot of gay shit he said he knows what it’s like to be a

woman yeah he said i know and i remember

roger daltrey

heard that and

i thought we weren’t talking about this i

pete townsend

fucked a couple of guys or got fucked i bet

dultry tried it too i bet they all did it i mean look i

think there’s always that college

stuff i think

i was out of a

speedo all of a sudden i’m gay

do we get raped on nas

i didn’t i did not

we have a funny

story that we probably can’t tell

probably tell that story

that was a weird situation

well you were

there so you saw it and i got vindicated in the end

of course you did

and i knew i was

here’s the situation that happened

brian had a friend and the friend

had a lady friend that happened to be an exotic dancer

and we went to told me to go he told him to go to

visit her at her

place of employment and you saw

the girl make a

bee line for me and

dance yeah not just dancing

she was she

hopped on top of brian

and immediately

straddled her vagina

onto his deck

and started

gyrating her

pussy and you’re

saying you’re saying

this girl wants a bang i go i know but i don’t have

clearance for

my friend yet i don’t know if it’s allowed but i

think it’s insinuated but i

still wasn’t

gonna do it because you can’t

it was ridiculous so

um you know i

think you asked me to go with you when you

dropped her off yes you

felt uncomfortable yes

i want you to

come yeah so

you got a headache

i’m out of here i was like dude

you come with me because i’m this is bad because she’s

gonna give me a ride

and it’s my girls

my boys girl

and and it just

doesn’t look good

so i don’t know if he turned into the wolf man

after i left no

no i was at the sheriff this is the but

can you say what she accused you of yeah

she accused me of making like getting

rough with her actually i found it

later i didn’t even know that was the acquisition

shit that i actually got physical with her and

tried to you

know make her

kiss me and fool around with her and

stuff like that

which is kind of like saying the guy

tried to rape me

you know what i mean

at least when people hear that they go the guy’s a

closet rapist

but what happened was

it was the hilton or the sheraton

and i was on the

third floor

which actually means the lobby

it’s on the

lobby the third

floor and so

i said she said let me use your bathroom and she

dropped me off

she goes i need to use your bathroom instead of

using the bathroom in the

lobby i need to use your bathroom

and we go to my room and i go i’m dead

she’s in my room now

right that and

by the way i’m an animal

i’m not i’m not a

saint i’m not a good guy

i mean i i it’s like i’m a 12 stepper i mean you got a

girl in my in my

in my hotel

she’s been dancing on me all

night and nobody’s watching

yeah and by the way

if i do fool

around with my friend better forgive me because

i’m just a guy if he’s like me

right you know

he shouldn’t be attached to her anyway she’s correct

what’s going on correct

but i and you thought

maybe that would have been the

you were thinking like i

think you might want me to fuck

her well yeah why else

would it be

saying yeah yeah

yeah she’s this

crazy exactly but

you know then she’s in my room and i go i

start acting i

start doing

i got nervous so i

started acting

silly i was joking around

and she could tell

cause she wanted

some wine said you have any wine in my mini bar

and i poured her wine

i go this is how it’s

gonna start this is getting bad

i’m already guilty i’m done i’m already guilty

so i start she goes a you’re a

freak aren’t you you’re a

freak or something

like that i go

yeah i’m a freak and i

start doing this

i’m a freak

and she can see that i’m nervous

and she goes

are you gonna go back and tell

such and such that i was in your room

and i go no

no i’m not actually i’m not at all

in fact here’s my last

twenty bucks i

spent all my

money on you

which was really inappropriate anyway and

remember it was

twenty bucks i go give this to the valet

and we’ll just say that you drop me off that

would be way better for me because this is already bad

sorry that situation

she gets up goes out

and the next day

or i guess that

weekend i booked that cbs show but i go back to do oz

and i literally nobody will look at me

and then i got written out and

i was the person that this happened there was a huge

scene he tried to

yeah you tried to attack him but you know he was like

the girl told him

and he was like

you know he didn’t know he thought this guy got what

she was crying

what she didn’t want was

what she didn’t want was

that she came back to your room she had a 12 year old

child she had a meal ticket

and all of a

sudden because she makes this mistake she had to sell

somebody down somebody’s

going down the

river not her

daughter it’s

gonna be me

right and so i

never held any i honestly

never held any resentment

i put myself in that position

i was responsible for it i paid a

price by the way i got

some people just can’t help but be crazy

you know it’s very unfortunate

when you’re talking

about a girl who’s a you

know exotic dancer la

probably on drugs i mean a good percentage well

or she had a

twelve year old

daughter that that was

she went wow i got this chance to be with this guy

could be a star

and i just screwed that up

and i might have just

screwed that up and

you know i gotta silence my

phone i’m sorry i thought i did

so i just never and we reconcile me and the guy

you love well he

found out the

truth and it was fine

yeah i saw him

like right after it happened

i know thank god what a mess

the whole thing was just such a mess

in a bad situation

i felt almost a little bit guilty that i had left her

alone with you

yeah because i

you know i knew you were

creeped out yeah i

was long as time ago

you were really

creeped out and

i was like you’re

gonna be alright

right and so i left i remember

that so well i remember you saying i have a headache

i go just drive

drive with us you know

like i can’t do that i’m

going home i remember that so well

yeah i just remember

when it was all

going down like when we

were at the club i was like this is nothing but trouble

this is a nightmare

this is a first of all she wasn’t even

attractive no

she was not i mean i’m not bullshit no

she was an unattractive

girl she did not have a good body

did not have a good face and

if you were

gonna go get

dances there was a

bunch of really

attractive girls there

and you probably

would have picked someone else

if that’s what you were there for

so it was like she worked you for

money anyway

because you got in there and she

climbed on it wasn’t

like she did she did work she did work because

she kept saying you want another

dance and you kept peeling off money i

remember i told you to sit next to me

so it didn’t look like you

just dancing on

me about dude you

gotta sit next to me because

i i don’t want you know she’s dancing on me the

whole time i even got you a

dance from another girl to

get her off your lap

i remember i paid a pretty girl to go over and

dance with him but you know what

now as you get older

you know what you do you get up and

leave yeah yeah

you don’t go there in the

first place

but when you’re

young we’re such

idiots we were

such idiots

but we were

retarded but

sane enough to know that this was a

giant monster problem

that was just one step

along the way of me realizing that

crazy girls aren’t really fun

used to think crazy

like remember me yeah dude i was the king of that

you dude no one no one

joe it’s joe it’s

sniffing out so fast he’d go

he’d i’d be in this girl i mean dating her and like

he’d go she’s crazy

i go no no no no she’s a good girl

no dude she’s

crazy you need to run now

nah i’m not

gonna listen joe

six months later pregnant what my house

yeah i’ve got

an unusual ability to spot people who are off

there’s a smell that they have there’s a way

that they communicate with me i don’t know what it is

maybe it’s cause i’m a little aggressive

and even though

i’m really nice and friendly there’s something

about me that just puts people on a little bit of an

edge you say i look like i

could be a douchebag

you saved me

but because of that but

because of that like because i have this

weird thing

about me sometimes people get a little uneasy

and when people get a little uneasy just for a

second they reveal who they really are

there’s just something

about people when they know you’re looking at them

they know you’re paying attention to them it’s like

when you’re going on

stage and you’re bombing on

stage you know that

hyper sensitive

feeling that you have of being judged and

watched and you’re falling short

well when people are

crazy and you look at them funny

you know and

you try they’ll just show it to you

that’s very just

like i’m crazy but

sometimes when

you do it to me it

creeps me out like alright this guy’s

gonna rape me

you know it’s not

but used to

keep it together you

keep it together

i don’t snap

crazy people you have to

allow them to pretend that they’re normal

you have to allow them you give them time you know

you have a conversation with them

things get rolling and you go well i’m just

gonna let this guy get away with this all right bob

well very nice meeting you enjoy

indeed you know

but if you don’t do that

i feel like why are you talking to me like that

what’s going on here

are you are you

crazy like what’s going on here right

but if you expose that right away then all the

crazy juice comes flying

out interesting

because you’ve always been so good at that man

always just

i nails a bunch of his

how many i nailed one well you

saved my you

but joe saved

my yeah you

saved my life though with that

i got i was

gonna get married because

somebody got pregnant and yeah

you literally were on the

phone going i’m losing you man i’m losing you

you’re talking yourself into it i know you

this is not the girl you

wanna spend the

rest of your life with you i’m losing you i remember

and i compared her to patty

cause his ex

girlfriends was like super cool

super intelligent like really fun to be around

this girl was just a zombie just a mess it was just

it was all bad energy

and fucking just

bad and then

he was like telling me that this is it he’s

gonna settle

down i’m like whoa you know having a kid is one

thing that’s not in your control but

you cannot fucking

marry this chick

like you should have

run away from her a long time ago yeah

and she was the best

thing i ever did

i was around so many of them

i got to smell them i got to know what they were well

la come on man

that’s the one

place i never got used to i was

gonna say i

lived overseas the

point of that was

i can get used to anything la is the one

place i actually

never really got used to because you ran into so many

crazy people

yeah and people who

live in the rest of the country i don’t

think you really can understand

how nutty it is just

think of this place

and there’s this place

where everyone gravitates to that has a deficit

like really needs

an incredible amount of attention

and we’re both guilty of it you know

i mean look there’s only one way you become a comedian

you have to have a fucked up

childhood where you’re not

loved enough

it’s just this fact

and it freaks my mom out

when i say that and it’s not her and

she did her best

but my parents are divorced and

i don’t know my dad

and you’ve got your issues and i’ve got my issues and

all actors have

their issues all of them there’s no

other reason

there’s a few people

you know who’s cool that dude from

vegas josh duhamels

he’s a good

guy we’re fucking cool as shit like regular down to

earth there’s a

bunch of it like that

mario lopez is like that just regular normal down

there dude very cool

but most people

no most people are

they have this

giant hole and

that’s how they’ve made it to the top of the heap

because their

whole is so needy

that they’re just

stuffing things into it all the time

to try to stay

famous i mean

it’s just a mad sickness and an obsession

and here’s this one

place on the map

where everyone

gravitates to to try

to be the next that guy they want to be tom cruise or

you know and there’s

they outnumber everyone else

and even if you get like out here

where i live like out deep into the burbs

you find them like the ones that have given up

you know they all have aspirations

you know there’s

wives down the

street here they want to be on the

real housewives of fucking calabasas or some shit

you know i mean there’s

there’s all

of them they wanted to be a singer didn’t work out

there’s so many of them it’s like my

buddy was like my

buddy was like why does my dentist have a

screenplay fuck right

or a headshot or a headshot really jesus

you dig a little

bit and you find out everybody came out here oh

dude that’s why you sit through traffic and

how many people try to get

you to read their shit

and we just had a situation

well dude i’ve had so many situations

but guys who try to get me to produce their shit

like i have this idea i just want to produce a

pilot do you

think you can help me like

what are you talking about man

i deal with it

every single day

our favors everyone has favors to

like i need help can you

film this audition for me

or do this for that can you help me get in the comedy

a magic club

like i don’t even know you do can i open for you

on the road it’s like it’s it’s constant yeah and and

and you need

needs never good either

i mean did you ever

email someone and ask them if you can open for them

no especially when you were an open micer i’ve had

open micers that ask

this is one kid

from england

and he sends me this

thing he says he’s

one of the youngest headliners ever in england

and he wants to co

headline with me

next time i do a gig up there

and he’s worked

with this guy and that guy he’s coming to america soon

what the fuck are you talking

about i need you yeah

you know what that’s exactly what my show is missing

i need a co

headliner a

young co headliner just you

would decide that you

would attach yourself to someone else’s show

i could even imagine

thinking like that

like if someone was playing in town like say

if when i was first

starting out you know bill hicks was coming into town

when i was an open micer

you know the idea that you

would call hey can i get

seven minutes on bill hicks a show

like what well i

think it’s a question that a lot of just need a

constant need

and they don’t

understand you gotta earn

things and it takes time

yeah well there’s plenty of

places to get on

stage the time to get on

stage is not during a professional show it’s during all

those bringer shows and

you know and

then you eventually put together an act and then people

put you on your show because they want you on the show

you don’t go like

so listening forward on

other people’s shows but

stand up is also one of

those strange

things like acting but

especially stand up

where you know if you can be an actor it’s like

you can be an actor and get away with it sometimes like

you can be a good looking 22 year old and get a show

and actually make a lot of

money for five years and then that parlay is no another

show and before you know it you’ve got like a big

house and millions of dollars right

cause you know if

you’re somewhat emotionally available and you know but

a stand up is one

thing you cannot fake can’t fake it

and don’t tell me you

wanna get into it when you’re 38 it’s just

gonna be a waste of your time

see you’re not

gonna be willing to do the

things that you have to do

in order to get good at it

you have to live it

you have to be there

every night you have to perform

everywhere you

gotta do coffee shops and shitholes and

dive bars the only way

in is through and

it’s also a

rhythm like i never

i never take

people ask me how come

i perform every week

well because if i take too much time off i lose my

rhythm like

it’s like a song in a way you know and

if you’re not thinking

about it you’re not writing new

stuff either you

gotta come you

gotta constantly be it’s constantly

alive you have to keep it

alive if i don’t perform every week

i’ll go sometimes

where i’ll take a couple weeks off and then i do a show

i always feel it i always feel like a little off

but then when

you do like a weekend a long weekend somewhere

thursday friday saturday

you know by the time

sunday rolls around you just a juggernaut

yeah i liken it to sort of

i was in canada and it was a

sunday i had one of the best shows i’ve ever had and

i likened to it i got this feeling i got this kind of

like kind of i felt like

this warm kind of

cloudy feeling

and i knew i didn’t have to really do anything like

everything kind of took over

you ever feel that way

we’re outside

and you’re riding it i’m coming up with jokes

like they’re coming to me on stage

it’s like that flow

that it’s the

greatest feeling that’s when

you’re tuning in

i mean that’s really what you’re channeling right

it is like you’re

channeling i always say that and i described this on

stage this way

that when i’m at my best it’s like i’m a passenger

it’s like i’m riding it

and there’s a

great story

about this the guy who won the

field medal in mathematics he was a guy

he figured out

a math equation they’d been trying to figure out

since 1806 and the answer was

357 pages long or something like that yeah

gives you an idea so he wins the

field medal in mathematics which is

which is worth

a million dollars

and it’s the nobel

prize for math

basically it’s the fields

medal right

it’s the most prestigious

thing so this

genius he’s the siberian guy

oh i heard about this guy he disappeared the

money yeah he did

well he disappeared

and they found him

in his aunts like

shack fishing shack like a year later

and they were like

you know bbc was like look you won this

feels metal

why didn’t you take it and he said

well you guys are worshipping the

wrong thing you

should be worshipping it’s like worshipping the

radio the receiver instead of the actual

music because

the answer has always been in

the template in the sky i just happen to have a certain

frequency and

wiring that was able to channel it through my body

don’t worship

me for being

wired a certain way

i just channeled it worship

the actual equation i went you know what that’s a

great way of looking at

everything that’s

what a lot of artists

believe you know

a lot of people call it the

muse and they’ve

called it that for thousands of years that

you know something comes to you and gives you

these ideas

you know like the

story you’re

gonna write already

exists what is the guy wrote the

war of art is that

press field

press field

press field

book great book

for creative people

who are into

you know like

something that gives you like inspiration to

write and work

it’s a really good book it’s called

the war for art and he talks

about war of art talks

about war of art talk

about he talks

about resistance

resistance is constant yeah but if you keep showing up

enough it’ll the gods will kind of reveal

yeah in pieces

your story yes

and he talks very openly

about the idea that

you know amuse comes to him

and stephen king i’ve

heard him say something very similar as well

and i always say that i feel like when when my ideas

come to me when they come to me it’s when i’m empty

when i’m empty

and then they’re

just filing in and i’m just sort of sorting them out

along the way

when they come to me on

stage i’ve had bits come to me on

stage full bits

me too me too

just comes to me

it might be two

three minutes long and i’ll keep

going on it

and it’s crazy it’s like inside of the sky

it’s so weird isn’t it

i allow myself

for that to happen on purpose i put myself in

tricky situations

i’ll put myself like

i’ll start talking

about something

where i don’t have any

bit on it i don’t even know what i’m gonna say

and i’ll put myself in that situation so that

i’m on my hyper comedy mode

cause i’m on

stage and there’s pressure

cause people are watching

and sometimes

it works and sometimes it doesn’t

if it doesn’t it

seems like i’m talking

about nonsense for

like a minute

and then i transition

quickly into something that i know is

gonna be funny let me get back but

every now and

then you’ll go down a road and then oh look i

found a bag of gold and there’s just this

and you almost

can’t take credit for that no you can’t

musicians talk

about it like

jazz musicians call it swinging

and when they’re out on that limb

and they’re

swinging they

gotta find their way back in a thematic way

that comes back to the original tune they were playing

and that’s what milton went marseille

was on well you

know that exists in

jiu jitsu and that exists

in even in playing pool

there’s a thing in playing pool you call

where you’re in dead stroke

when you’re in dead stroke

it’s like your arm

is tuned into the

stick which is

tuned into the ball

which is tuned into the cloth

you know exactly how hard you

have to hit the ball to move it in a certain position

you know exactly what

kind of spin in english and it’s all just automatic

you don’t even have to think

you can’t miss

the stuff i

think that’s what i really

what drives me in art or whatever

you call it to

show up you know it’s like

the flannery o’connor is

great writer in the 30s died of

ms whatever

and she said i sit at my typewriter

every morning at 6 30 not to

write but in case something happens

sort of like

it’s an act of

faith you know

well that’s the press

field argument

that he believes that you show up and that the

muse will will

greet you that you put in the discipline

and it will

reward you you need to put in the discipline

the gods have to see that you are

worthy yeah

that was like

but he’s the guy

the first guy that i’ve ever

heard address resistance of the resistance to

right which i have very badly

i think everyone creative

does we all do it’s like getting in the cold

water you know yeah

like you know it’s like

when you just you just like i

gotta get into this cold

water i know my body’s

gonna acclimate and once you

start flowing you’re flowing but

the things i find to do every day

rather than

right like i’ll

clean the dishes

i’ll make every

phone call i can

i’ll read articles on the

web that have nothing to do

with anything feed

off i’ll find incredible websites

i beat off forget

it yeah the problem with the internet is that it’s

right there on

your computer and so when you’re supposed to be writing

i have this awesome

program it’s called right room

check this out and

i have it for the mac

but when you

click on it

and it opens up

you lose everything on your desktop

see that like that

so it’s just green

green print

on a black background

it’s awesome

and that’s how i

write now because i’m such a

monkey i can’t

allow myself

any any possible distractions i’m just too

stupid you’re in good

company so i but

why is it that so many creative people are like that

i mean why is it if you love

the idea of creating and i do

i love writing blogs i love putting them

up and getting feedback i love that people enjoy them

and i’m loving writing this book i love it like last

night i wrote a

bunch of good shit that i really enjoyed

and it’s so

such a good feeling that i

go to and i go to bed like all

energized i feel like wow i did some good shit

but why is it that

like the next day

i will watch you

know 15 youtube

videos on the

2011 shelby mustang

you know and

for 45 minutes

550 horsepower man look at that aluminum

block that thing is the shit

it’s a modern muscle car

meanwhile i don’t get any satisfied i leave

and i go to bed

when i do that feeling like

a loser stress stress yes

cause you haven’t done your work exactly and

i shouldn’t be

you know like really pretend that i’m not disciplined

because i’m pretty disciplined

i get a lot of shit done

but not as much as i

could no i think

adderall i think

is that the key that’s what you need

i don’t need that shit i know someone who’s on that and

i think no pills

gonna take you away from the

human condition and the responsibility

of actually

what i think is neat

about art is that

creating things

usually you’re creating something out of nothing

but not that it’s not connected to

other things and other

experiences

but you’re trying to create something out of nothing

but the other

issue is that i find writing and

as you find your

voice and whatever you’re doing

you’re actually getting down and distilling

who you really are you get down to the core of

who you really are

and it’s way easier in life to pretend man

it’s way easier in life to be a character it just is i

spent so much time

as a kid building

armor around myself because the

world was a dangerous place

and that really wasn’t

where my strength lay you know

but most of us are

there’s a saying i had

a teacher an old

teacher used to say in

order to be all

you can be you

got to face up to who you’re pretending to be

yeah right and really i

think most of

us are walking around man playing a character and not

relieving you ever listen to conversations with people

standup exposes that but acting does not no it

doesn’t acting reinforces that

those shields to get

thicker and deeper

probably i do

think that like someone like daniel day

lewis might be

he said something interesting he

was like why are you guys so interested in my process

i show up on a set having thoughts

that don’t belong to me

and talking like

away and he goes you know why i’m an actor they go why

they go why why

because i’m

essentially ashamed of

being a boring middle

class englishman

i live a boring life so i have to pretend it was so

great but he does in some way tap

into a real

yeah and he taps into a

truth within him i

think like he likes to find

that character within him that actually exists

maybe it’s a past life well i

think what he’s really good at he’s really good at

becoming another

human being

you know and

there’s a real art in that you know what the

art is it’s not judging that

other human being

that’s what the art is i

think you know

just becoming them

yeah like when you play like

robert duvall is playing

stalin and i

think he said well

how do you play a monster

he says he’s not a

monster and they said what he killed

40 million people he goes yeah but the actor can’t

think that and

they said well what did you do and he said

i played a man trying to

solve a problem

and if that problem was too many people in the

ural mountains well i got to get

rid of them i’m just trying to industrialize the soviet

union our problem is we’re in the 1800s

i got to industrial

which means i got to move entire swass

of people over there

and by the way if you’re in my way i

gotta i gotta kill you it’s just easier

and it was really

interesting he said that’s the way you can’t judge

the person you’re playing

those actors

that’s a different

breed that’s a complete breed

apart from what we’re talking

about we shouldn’t even be calling them actors

cause they just

happen to choose acting the nutty people or

we should call them just

energy holes

you know whether they’re actors or singers or

they could be

comic book artists or whatever the fuck they are

it’s just those people that need

they just need attention

there’s a big difference between that and like say a

somebody trying to say something yeah gary oldman

there’s an artist

that’s a guy he becomes different

human beings i

mean it’s a real

craft to it i

would probably be doing it regardless of

the company

or the he’s

driven by by

kind of mining the

psyches of the

human mind yeah

the human psyche

and driven by you know just producing this

really perfect character

and heroin and driven by her

a little bit be honest is he

from what i

understand he likes it he likes his drugs

i guess he’s better now it’s amazing how much good

music has come from heroin

yeah there’s a lot of

people that were in heroin

you know what though there’s a

counter argument

to that and that is this that nick cantu is a rock

journalist in the 60s

wrote a book called the dark stuff

and a lot of people

would say that

what was really really

there was this explosion in

music and with the monterey

music festival and

things like that

where the drug of choice at the time

was weed and

a little psychedelics hold on one

second key up

find it online

voodoo child

slight return

that’s such a great

jimi hendrix is

if i had to choose like one

music to listen to for the rest of my life only one it

would be jimi hendrix songs as and you’d be

right there i’m this guy

was a rabid

heroin user

he connected

to the fucking the vibrations

of the universe here’s what here’s what but this is

what here’s what they find

what they believe killed that

music movement you had this incredible

successful music

what was heroin

and cocaine

it’s because

yeah and so what you had was a

bunch of musicians

in the 60s whose

heroes were who

the black blues musicians

and stanley crouch

wrote this really cool

essay that said

that what happened was guys like janis joplin

jim morrison

jimi hendrix etc

died all coincidentally at

27 was that

their heroes were

these blues

musicians who are doing drugs right

they they wanted to be like

their heroes

they were subscribing

they were subscribing

to an addiction as opposed to overcoming something

whereas the black

musicians who had to come in through the back door

and play for a

white audience

and eat a hot dog and a warm cup of coffee

they basically felt guilty as like survivor guilt

they were making all this

money and they were rich but they couldn’t even play to

other black

people and they were living in the segregated society

so a lot of them went into drugs

as a way of dealing with that guilt

whereas you have

these white 60s

musicians who were like my hero did drugs

i’m gonna do drugs

cause that’s part of being a rock and roller

problem is when

you choose heroin as your drug instead of weed

you’re gonna have a hard time staying

awake to write good

music that is true

what gives you

this inspiration and what connects you to the universe

utterly destroys your body

and makes you

a prisoner of it like cue it to the beginning of this

hit the very beginning

there’s something

about the music

from the fucking 60s

especially like this kind of hendrix

do you know what i

think there’s

something so universal

about it it just lasts

whereas like i believe they

were trying to say something for real and change the

world they were idealistic

to believe that they

could that’s what because

everybody was high we live in a cynical time now

nothing nothing changes anything

right listen to this man

there have been nothing

remotely like this

there’s no one

had done anything like this with a guitar before

have you heard anything even remotely like this

no there’s one

still to this day there’s one guy that comes close

he’s a monster isn’t he

yeah dude it’s just like this music is so good

it lasts for so long well

it’s still awe inspiring now

yeah 40 years later the

layers to it and this is all psychedelic inspired

you know it’s all a bunch of different drugs

and those drugs it’s also 10 000 hours of practice yes

it’s that too it’s that too it’s

the practice

makes the discipline in the practice makes the

human being

the very best

antenna to tune in the magic of the universe

right and when you dissolve the ego

completely like when you do a lot of

psychedelics and you’re an artist like jimi hendrix

you crush that thing

to the point where you just you’re so

open when you’re on stage you

know he’s doing

you know he’s doing something with a guitar in today’s

world who i think is unbelievable is jack white yeah

from the white

stripes i don’t know them enough oh oh he’s love them

i know a bunch of their songs that i’ve

heard that i really

enjoy but i

don’t know enough you got him live no no no he

never plays the same song

twice the same way ever really

he’s a true

i mean if you hear him you ever hear that song jolene

i’m screaming

it totally or

that other song

he does stuff on a guitar that’s

jolene is that

dolly parton song

dolly parton

get the fuck out

of here that is

i mean hit the

queue that shit up red

this is the beautiful

thing about what we got

going on here dude

we got computers

it was like almost like a real radio show

but you know

it’s sad that you know

all these different

greats that got into heroin

all wound up dying

you know really fucked up

dance janis joplin hendrix me so many

great musicians

what it did was

what it did was it kind of it robbed us

of what else they were

gonna be capable

of doing right but is the argument that it would have

never they would have

never been who they were without the drugs

and even though the drugs rob them it’s almost like

the amount of energy i mean

this is a shitty

argument but just for the sake of saying it

like think about what jimi hendrix

has done and the amount of impact that he had in such a

short life i mean i

think was he

28 or something when he died

he was 37 27

think about the amount

the impact that that guy had in

his short time on this

earth hold on

listen to this song

hold on a second

think about the impact that this guy had in a

short time on

earth in a short time

where he was

completely drugged out of his fucking head

it’s like this accelerated

burst of creativity

it’s almost like

he used up all of his energy in one big explosion

well well is

it is that the case or did he already come to the

table before he

started doing drugs prodigiously

talented prodigiously technical on the guitar

and then slowly

eroded that

talent that’s the

other question

there’s a good possibility of that it’s

definitely i

think it’s both

is the wrong song yeah no i’ll find it it’s

these motherfuckers what kind of a

radio show are we running here

ladies and gentlemen

if you are in your car

right now if you were at the gym

if you are on the

train on the way to work

i apologize

for the unprofessional behavior of here we go here

maybe worst recording of all time yeah

okay i’m glad you guys are

just click on this one oh we’ll find it

so this is jack

white and he’s singing jolene

and this is

a dolly parton song that made me cry when i was 18

which i believe is about

her pleading

with her own addiction

which is jolene don’t take my man away

wow i can’t

compete with you

cause you what was her addiction

not this was she’s writing for somebody

who’s into dig

okay we don’t need this part

this is dumb

and we hear some

that’s the worst banter

ever dudes talking to the audience in between songs

i’ve got an awesome one though with paul stanley

it’s a compilation that some dude in

new york did

all paul stanley’s

cheesiest lines ever talking to the audience

yeah i gotta hear that it’s fantastic i’d love to

god damn watch this

when it goes away

okay dude that’s that’s a talented

motherfucker

unbelievable he filled the

whole kind of for me

that that when

kirk abain died he kind of replaced my kirk abain

for me really

yeah i need i need to pay attention more to them

i do he’s a

total innovator and it’s a two man band what is it

about someone

singing a really badass song that just really like

gives you a

burst in your body

it might be

dude it might be honestly to me the most

powerful art form and for that reason yeah you

literally feel inspiration and

energy yeah

this woman karen armstrong

wrote a book called a case for god and

it was like she was like you know people

while you have atheists

who talk they look at a

fundamentalist concept of god and she said look

she goes god is

not something you’re supposed to be able to explain but

i can tell you when you listen to an incredible music

like an incredible

piece of music that’s

profoundly sad

yet fills you with an inexplicable

joy or tabs

of energy or

quickening energy

that inspiration is

every bit as real as what you can

touch in front of you that is

maybe more real and what we stay alive for

and that is

she gives sort of a

she correlates that

with the divine

or the concept of a god or this benevolent

insane good that we can’t really actually

measure or categorize

and it’s kind of a cool book so what

music is is like an energy

source that we create an emotional energy source and if

you put the words

right and the

music right

and the right person delivering it with the

right amount of honesty

it just taps into

the very like

just the fiber of your being well

it just charges you well it’s called harmony

you know the

greeks describe beauty

in one word socrates say how do you describe beauty

and aristotle

and socrates they always used one word harmony

so when you see a

cheater running

you say that’s

beautiful the reason you say it’s beautiful

is because its body is working in such harmonious like

it’s such lockstep with itself

that’s one of the reasons why i call

fights beautiful

whenever dude

smash guys i’m always

i always say look at this beautiful combination

and watch how he ends with this kick to the body

you see his

whole body cave in there’s beauty in that man man

fighting to me

the reason i love watching

fighting and i always love to fight

when i was coming up and young and stuff

was that to me it is one of the purest

things someone can endeavor to do

because when you

fight like on the level like guys like nate

marcore anderson silva

it requires all of you it requires your cunning

your courage your strength your flexibility

people say oh

he’s a horseback

rider you use every muscle in your body

you don’t know what you’re talking

about get the ring and roll

around bro that’s

a different muscle yeah you don’t even have to sparr

anybody go punch the bag for

three minutes

but also if you get

into a ring

and somebody’s trying to kick you and

punch your head

you may not come out the same

you may be dead

you may be a

massive emotional charge connected to your performance

you’re literally

fighting over

your very health your very health long term

not just tonight that’s

right you know if you

fight a really

scary dude you

fight in anderson silva

you have to

think that guy’s

gonna change your

brain well if i

might head kick you and change your

brain it also faces

every man i believe

every man’s

biggest fear is that he’s a coward like if you ask

every man’s

biggest aspiration as he want is to be a hero

and his biggest

fear is that he finds himself out to be a coward

and when you

fight and you put yourself

into a ring

where somebody

might kick and punch

you face up to that

and it’s why i have so much respect for fighters

i’ve always found

fighting to be

when i watch a really

great fight i cry sometimes

because i find

it so dramatic and glorious do you have your pants on

i never wear my

pants i never wear my

pants i always wear a testicle

cinch though to keep myself disciplined a testicle

cinch it’s made of

hemp rope it’s made of hemp rope i can’t go into it

right now but i sell them on my website

what is your website

briankalan com

briankalandak

i don’t really cry but it just

sounds good for chicks by the way

sounds awesome

do you twitter a lot do you check your

twitter first time i went to

brian’s house

first time ever brian had

what is it to kill a mockingbird sitting there on his

coffee table or something

something like probably oh no no

i was laying all the books out yeah what was the book

it was to kill a mock

i had i had shakespeare

out kerouac was out

and so i came over his

house and the first i just immediately

started giving him shit

i like what the fuck are you doing you ain’t reading

these things

i go you throw

these down for when

chicks come over you look like all deep and shit

i called jimmy burke i was like dude i’m a hoax

i’m a hoax i’m laying books around my

room cause there’s one girl i liked

and she was like she’d gone to harvard

and i’m literally

throwing books out

like babbit’s

feast i read

one i don’t even know it

i was like babbit’s feet

i’ve never read this book i hadn’t read any of them

that’s hilarious

screwed them around

sorry i’m a man of letters when i met

brian he didn’t have a lock or a

front doorknob

he lived he

lived in a fucking

apartment he was on

television okay

he lived in an

apartment it just had a hole

and i go what happened i

fucking broke him over

things got crazy whatever

where did you live in venice

venice is fucking dangerous on the

beach he had an

apartment on the beach

which was awesome by the way

which was the

first time i’d ever

known anybody who actually

lived on the beach

like you left his

apartment like you opened a window there’s the

ocean it’s right there

like you would

leave his apartment you just walk

right out onto the

beach it was fucking it was incredible you

wanna come over to my

house i got a

puppy in the

view of the beach

i don’t know if you are you doing anything

right now you

wanna i’m on tv

i’m on tv yeah i was

28 years old you

think i got laid

i’m on tv i got a

puppy and a view of the

beach what made

you live there what made you live

there girls

that’s what the

beach the beach i did

everything i did

everything with that calculation

why do you think i’m an actor well what do you

what kind of a

question is that so you became an actor just for chicks

if you want to

get serious with me now on you want to embarrass me and

well you started well

fine let’s get

the you want to be want to get your we in the

truth here yeah

yeah that’s why i did

everything i

literally started

learning how to

fight so that

i didn’t have to be in a bar with somebody

like hit on my girl and i had to walk away and i was

bad in front

of her i was

like at least

if you’re worried

about your own

safety just worried

about cutting down your

pussy that’s

right at least i look at

least i don’t look like a coward

even though i am at

least i can fake it

and keep the guy busy

for a while and get laid hopefully

later on do

you bust out the hay i was in sex in the city that’s

do i have my reel on me

on a loop when they come into my

house you played

on your iphone you

should have a keyed up on youtube

on your iphone

is that thing on

again this is crazy

you know a lot

of people recognize me from sex and the city but

they really recognize me from being an original cast

member on mad tv

the hangover did somebody just recognize me

i’ll recognize myself sometimes

the mad tv thing was such a strange

thing man yeah you only did how many

seasons you do

two seasons

you got lucky

you escaped

that was the

weirdest environment

ever for like a talk show it was a bit of

yeah it was very weird

there was a lot of like

weird competition

and there was a lot of like

weird energy there yeah man

in a rough place you didn’t like it

right it was cool though i got

to meet artie

lang there too

yeah i didn’t like it i

loved artie

how fucking

great is that guy he’s

great and how sad is his

whole situation man

well i think he

yeah i think artie just

has always struggled with

those demons

if you don’t know he attempted suicide and

stabbed himself

stabbed himself a

bunch of times

funniest guy by the way for me

probably the funniest guy off the

cuff like the most improvisational

funny guy i’ve ever met he was just

and a beautiful person

yeah he’s a

great guy great guy always always

enjoyed running into him you know

and it made me really sad when i

would listen to him on the

stern show and i’d hear how

he’s fallen

apart it’s just

very depressing

it’s very depressing to see him that big

you know see

him not take care of himself and get that big yeah i

guess i don’t know what his condition is do we know

that’s kind of no i don’t know

i have no idea i have no information it’s kind of a

weird situation man when you become that big fat guy

that everybody loves

because people love big fat guys that don’t give a fuck

and also joey

diaz so what happens if you lose weight does that mean

not to be funny anymore

your persona goes away joey’s lost a hundred

pounds joey diaz

lost a hundred

pounds and he’s funnier than ever

he’s still a fat guy joey diaz

joey diaz is just he’s such a character he’s so great

one of the greatest

human beings i’ve ever met one of the coolest

most interesting

finds ever as far as like

people to hang out with yeah you know you know what man

he’s a guy joey

diaz is a guy who’s so

colorful and so

i see so many people who have

these friends

and you end up hanging out with a guy and you’re not

laughing once

you hang around joey

diaz constantly

and you just

stare at him and listen to his amazing stories

our friend eddie bravo had a

wristband on once it was a

leather wristband

that he was wearing

in his rock and roll

man transformation

and he had this

leather wristband

on joey looks and goes

what are you

waiting for a fucking falcon to land on your arm

eddie got so pissed off

he was really

upset how is

eddie and he’s good

he’s good fucking

building a jujutsu empire

every time i see those

wristbands i’m always like wow that’s cool

what are you wearing i

can’t find out

and that echoes in my

head that’s one of my jokes i always talk

about if you’re

gonna wear a cape you

gotta have a falcon

not a penguin

that’s true right

accessory yeah

i’d love to i

think you can get laid into when

did the cake

totally fall

apart when was the last time someone

could rock a cave actually

have made a comeback i don’t know

if you’re the pope

and you can

bless a billion people like this you can

a cape other than that

maybe johnny depp

but when did it

go out of style

in the 1800s

1800s along with the

coach and buggy

and those crazy blonde wigs yeah dude because

nowadays you can’t wear a cape

tape is very

handy you can doubles as a wrap

if there’s like a

bee swarm people like bees find

water you can

just be like whatever and just you know they’re not

gonna sting a red tent

it was a mexican fear factor it was a

they made their own

stunts like really

dangerous low budget

and there was

a mexican host and the mexican guy wore a cape

really yeah

there was one

that i saw well i don’t know if you wore them in

every episode but mormon one that i saw

the guy was wearing a cape

and he was he had

these people go through

this burning

building and we did the

exact same stunt

but when we did it

they had fire suits on and helmets and shit and we had

people waiting with hoses and

people on standby but we lit this fucking

building on fire and they had to go in and rescue this

dummy and bring it out

it’s very difficult and hard to see

they did in shorts

they rebooted

people in fucking shorts

they were getting

third degree burns and shit running

through fire with shorts on

they’re nuts

mexico doesn’t give

a fuck dude they

don’t give a shit they don’t give a fuck they’re tough

even the boxers like by the time

they closed down

they closed down a big part of arizona

national park in arizona because it’s too much

too much mexican

gang member violence

from the drug cartels

beating over

in arizona well

the mexicans are very very much

like when you

watch the boxing

style they’ll

stand in a hole and just bang it out

there’s no like moving out of the way just like

let’s take the punishment

and see who can

punch each other

well sort of

they enjoy vista

cuffs and brawls but

guys like chavez

even though

he took a lot of shots he was very hard

to get he was very elusive for a guy that

would stay on top

of you mayweather

is always staying out of the way it’s the

whole deal before he even

learns how to fight it

mayweather is the most cautious

of all the boxers

even when he

hurts a guy and

doesn’t pour it on

what would happen with him in

pacquiao who knows

it’s a fascinating

fight and i think

a lot of people want to see it it’s a dangerous

fight for him

for mayweather it’s dangerous is that why you

think he was saying

but pacquiao

could get fucked up to man mayweather is awesome

mayweather yeah he’s so sharp

his technique is so good he has such a

deep knowledge of boxing he’s also bigger than pacquiao

he’s bigger

his technique

might be a little

cleaner a little less fat to it

he’s a very

smart guy too

pacquiao is a wild man dude if you’re looking like his

knockout of

ricky hatton

the way he took apart koto

dude he’s a

monster that little dude is so fast

his technique is so good too yeah

you know apparently

with kota when he was i was at that

fight and i was pretty

close to the ring and you could

i didn’t hear this but

freddie roach

afterwards was saying that you know i was telling to

knock him out and

he didn’t say this in so many words but i

heard this from somebody else

third person

paco kind of likes kota and didn’t want to

knock him out you

could see he

clearly had figured his number out he

could figure he got his whole game

and he didn’t

put him he didn’t put him away he was just

hitting them but he he actually liked him and knew he

could really hurt him but didn’t on really yeah

and before that

fight i was with some

people who were friends with

him like like jeremy piven who was doing a documentary

about his life

he looked over

you never see a

fighter do this

he looked over and went

how are you and it was doing and like

he was like had walked into a club he was that relaxed

wow and then just went in there and i remember

watching when

as soon as code i

think realized

that pacquiao had figured his game out

like his whole jig was up and all he had was just

cover and he just jab and cover

that must be pretty frustrating fuck

yeah when you see a guy all of a

sudden just get lit up

like you remember when pacquiao fought

oscar de la hoya

and you could see like somewhere in like the

second round

oscar de la

hoya had this look in his face like what the fuck what

just happened

like i can’t even hit this dude like

this dude is just

levels above

me and i just got to go into a shell here and survive

you know he

fights a little bit like duran did

yeah a little bit yeah a little bit

but you know

he’s really a

style of his own you know

his leg movement

is like he’s ability to leap in and leap out

you know how fast he is and how mobile he is

and how hard he hits too he’s a bad little

motherfucker

yeah it’s almost as hard as monogamy

but anyway what what the

fuck are you talking

about so you have a two and a half year old

right i have a two and a half year old we

still haven’t gotten our kids together this is

ridiculous i know we

both have two year olds yeah

they’re almost exactly the same

chuck e cheese’s

we’re both so similar

in the fact that we’re always so fucking busy we

never get anything

done that we’re supposed to be doing yeah i know

we gotta do that though man it’s always so

much fun yeah you’re like one of my best friends that i

never say i know it’s terrible

it’s terrible

sad how far is always

the same where do you live

venice you still live in venice

yeah i’m thinking

about moving out though yeah you

gotta get out of gangland

that’s on an episode of gangland this

month is it

know i’m sure it has been

they have fucking tampa

is on gangland they find

gangs in tampa there’s a lot of gangs

everywhere man

that’s a dumb show boy you ever

watch that gangland no

it’s scary it makes you

think that there’s gangs

everywhere and everyone

shoot everybody i like the

first 48 you ever

watch that show yeah

that’s my new

favorite show

i love that show

those shows are all educating

criminals now and they know what not to do you know

but you know

a lot of crime though is passionate

and you’re not

thinking and you

leave a trail

and with technology

the other thing is

about that survivor guy do you know the guy who was

one of the producers of survivor

and his wife

turned up missing in mexico

and then they

found her in a sewer

and he’s back

over in america and they’re trying to figure out

where they’re

gonna charge him deport him to mexico and what’s

gonna happen

really yeah

killed his wife

fucking arguing

screaming and yelling the people

heard screaming and yelling and then all of a sudden

she disappear

a little too hard

fuck what do i do now

how scary is

that people that are involved in relationships that are

they hate each

other so much they just resort to killing each other

in a marriage like

you gotta know why

you’re killing someone like oh my god my life is over

i’m fucking killing

this i gotta be honest

i’ve had girls

bring me to that list level

you have i’m not saying

i’m not saying it’s good i’ve gotten out of that but i

have been in some awful

just i’ve been outside of myself

watching myself just behave like a huge

a hole we’re both similar also in that we have

we were both taking chances on a lot of really

crazy chicks just because it was fun yeah you

you know and

they are fun by the way when we

first came to hollywood we both did the

exact same thing because we used to talk

about it all the time

we would date someone that was just like fucking

completely insane but it was like

eh no big deal it’s fun

that phil hartmanship

cleared all that up

for me for good

when phil hartman got murdered

by his wife

i was like okay no more

that’s okay i just figured this out

i thought it was fun

this is not fun yeah it’s not fun

this is crazy what you bring into your life man

yeah and you see dudes do it

all the time it makes things more

exciting and it’s a good distraction too

because especially in the stress of hollywood and

the stress of

trying to make it it’s like

sometimes the stress is so overwhelming

you just want to get lost in something else so you end

up having a lot of sex

or you say you call it

voodoo punani but

you know dove

davidoff says you know if love was a drug

people would be like dude stay away from that

stuff you could lose your house

that’s true

that’s funny it’s the wrong kind of love

it’s true it is it’s totally true well

it’s not even just a love

you can call it love but really it’s

the weird connection that people have to each

other where they need each

other you become connected like

there’s a bridge

between you and this person

and you literally need them in your life

you can shake yourself of it but it’s very hard

getting out of a relationship i mean

twice how many dudes

have you seen that

their girl breaks up with them and then

starts dating someone else that they know and they

literally go insane

it’s insane

it’s like someone

stealing happiness from you

right in front of your eyes

you can never accept the fact that this is just a

human being

that doesn’t like you anymore and likes this

other human being well it also comes down that a

lot of people i believe get into relationships just so

they can control someone else with

their emotions and with their

you know that’s the

other thing

a lot of it really is what you learn from

watching your parents and if your parents are

fucked up and a lot of people’s ours it takes a lot to

a lot of people’s parents are really fucked up

right it takes a lot to overcome that

early programming

absolutely man

i think a lot of

i don’t know what you think

about this but i was

thinking about i

think a lot of making a relationship work is just

first of all having very low

expectations

and then also coming to the equation

and staying in the equation

as a very independent person

yeah you have

to be independent and you also have to grow together

and you also have to be really honest with each

other and you also have to

find one who’s not nuts and you have to not be nuts too

in order to find one who’s not nuts

you have to not be nuts as well

absolutely in

order to find a nice person you’ve

gotta be nice you gotta be

worthy of a nice person

i had the best

advice someone ever gave me to make a relational

board goes he said

he had been

married for

25 years ago what’s your

secret he goes dude

i know we learn how to fight

we learned that there are

boundaries and

places you don’t go we

learned how like when we were

frustrated or

angry with you

never get shitty with each

other don’t insult each other

don’t get violent

don’t throw

things don’t break

my stuff don’t fucking

don’t call work and be a cunt

don’t get nutty don’t interfere with

things there’s a way to

fight and if you

learn how to how

to you know

release the tension or whatever you’ll you can

make it work for a long time are you listening my son

yes what’s weird

is i was in a relationship that was so bad at one

point that i had to

start recording her

you know as evidence and i’m like i remember thinking

going you were mel

gibson’s mistress i was

thinking like this

is it’s so bad

that i am recording people for evidence i need to get

out of this relationship

and do you have

those tapes yeah

can we do something with

those well be

about names

perhaps it depends

yeah maybe maybe

about names

we could speed it up yeah let’s just change the

sound of the

voice just to we

just a wee bit

because i’ve

heard about

these i think

those would be interesting

it would take me a

while to find them but yeah

that mel gibson one that boy whoo

there’s another example what we’re talking

about actors being fucking

crazy and thinking that you know that they’re much more

important and interesting than the arm because they’re

successful and he

might people kiss

their ass yes

yeah i think so too

well he’s an alcoholic and you

know dr drew was talking

about him and

he was saying that it seems like he’s probably relapsed

like if you listen to the

way he’s talking

he’s like and

he has some sort of a mental

issue a bipolar

issue or something but yeah

but you know how much

maybe that came from being an actor

maybe they came from

people kissing your ass on the set you

start believing it

i did and then the part of rational part of your

brain just stops working

just like a guy who takes

roids and his balls

shrink man i also

think that acting when you’re on a set all day

it gets so boring

cause real acting on a

movie is waiting around all day like i did this

movie with nick nolte

in pittsburgh

and nick’s been

is this the

mixed martial

arts yeah and he’s been doing this is the one

where you play me yeah i play you oh yeah yeah oh

by the way by the way there’s a movie

coming out called warrior

that just tested through the roof for lions gate

it’s got tom hardy and nick nolte

and and and

this guy this

australian actor joe lettrich

and and some really

great actors but anyway

it’s gonna be a

great movie

but i i play joe rogan

i i to prepare for the role

i literally

watched about 5

50 hours of you

and i’m not kidding

on ufc remember i called you

about it and i

said you know and you said just take yourself

out of the equation

as an announcer

anyway i watched you and

watched you

and i’ve gotten some rave reviews for my performance

ladies and gentlemen

thank you to

my friend joe rogan i can’t wait to see it i

literally played you i was like how

would joe do this and then i just was you

give us an example like

were you real technical

or did you i used i used words like wow

and that there that’s a huge move

cute you know just that like joe gets

joe really gets huge with his words

and by the way he loves the game

and i’ll tell you and i’ve had

other people say this who really know sport

you are as good as it gets

at what you do when it comes to calling those

fights you’re so knowledgeable you’re so passionate

about it and

and i don’t

know of anybody who can call a fireplace well

thanks man but

you know what honestly

i’m just a professional fan it’s easy because of

stand up because

stand up is so difficult

and you get

really good at communicating and you get really good at

understanding

economy of words and

how to set things up

and really self

aware of how you sound

you’re amazing stand up

so much harder that

doing commentary is

way easy but you know who else is

great as goldie

gold’s great he’s

phenomenally the poetry he

uses like he’s a poet man

he’s a poet he’s so impressive

well he’s very

smooth you know

and people give him a hard time

about saying

stupid shit what you don’t

understand is how much of that he’s just winging

he’s winging

a big chunk of the

stuff that he’s saying

and sometimes

when you wing shit it does always come out

right and then

you’re stuck in a bad spot and you got to

correct yourself a little bit

and we goof on each

other every now and then if we say

stupid things

what he does

is very hard to replace you know i

tried doing his job once and i was terrible at it no

he’s it’s a very specific

skill it is it is it’s a very specific skill

but you know

you’re the best there is at it so it’s pretty fun

you are you

spent like two

months in pittsburgh doing that yeah

and you know i

think it’s gonna be

worth it at the end of the day it’s a

great movie so when does it come out

well they were

going to release

it september but it tested so high that i

think lionsgate wants to push it toward the oscars

from what i’m told so

maybe december or something

do you feel like it’s that good did you like it i

haven’t seen it yet i just saw clips

but what kind

you like the

movies that you’re in are you one of

those dudes that even know that

you what you

i watch the

hangover once

right i’m almost

never nobody believes me but i

never watch what i do

because i’m too

critical of you hate

those guys though that if they do something all the

sudden it’s awesome and they love it

like you can’t admit like

bob your show sucks yeah it goes back to being

not honest with

yourself and not having perspective i mean you know

i don’t watch

what i do because i’m already critical enough and

for me it’s not even

about the movie that comes out as the

experience it’s fun

sometimes you have a really good time having a

laugh on a set and doing

and acting or making believe that’s fun for me

i don’t do it

i do it cause it’s fun i think

where i feel artistic is when i’m

with stand up

where i’m writing my own

stuff and i’m kind of expressing myself that’s a

a different

there’s a different

motivation for it yeah fuck yeah that’s the most fun

thing and by the way

you know the

thing about

stand up is you can

never lie to yourself because

you get up on stage

they either

laugh or they don’t

and it’s pretty brutal if it

starts going

south man and you’re in the

middle of nowhere and somebody’s can’t be faking what’s

funny that you

think you have to really be connected to it in

order to be good

and let me ask you this about stan

about not to pretend

it’s the new

standard thing but the

other thing is

i thought about this somebody

asked me some

advice i go well just write with

your what you

think is funny but

in a way if you’re trying to be funny

as opposed to

just expressing

yourself honestly in a way that makes you laugh

when you’re

trying the audience kind of feels you manipulating them

they feel the lie

and it’s never as funny

do you know what i mean

by that and it

might work a little yeah it does if you’ve

been doing it for you did you see for a long time

comedian i did

see comedian yes i did

so then you saw

orney adams performing

yes i did and that’s the kind of comedy i’m talking

about that’s the kind of it does work

it’s possible

i don’t believe it

well you know and

and when people don’t believe it

yeah it’s like

but there’s like that that sort of

style is like a style

you know there’s a

style that will work in a crowd

but will not work one on one

like joey diaz can tell you something one on one

and it’s just as fucking

funny as if you

stand in front of 300 people saying it

there’s a lot of comedy that’s like rhythm

and premise and

enunciation

but it’s a song i can

hear the punch line coming but it’s not

funny as opposed

to honest expression but they

still work it’ll

still work but then that’s the difference

between a hack and a real

comic in my

opinion not

to be too much of a purist that way but yeah

like when someone is like on

stage and they’re getting

angry at something that they’re not really

why do i get

two receipts

what is this it kills

you crazy like are you really mad it’s a

piece of paper you put in your pocket and you leave

somebody said i walked in

and i heard a guy like that and i went like

this i walked in i went oh i can’t i can’t stay here

yeah and my

buddy comes

you can’t be that judgmental and i go

dude i know that song

i can hear two bars of that song and i know exactly

where it’s going i’ve been doing it too long

you know and it makes you feel unfunny

the thing is when you

watch someone who

sucks it’s uninspiring it takes all the energy out of

me exactly i worked with this guy

and i my opener couldn’t make it like on a last minute

and so i work with this

local guy and this

local guy not

only did he suck he went on for 45 minutes and he did a

bunch of my shit

no yeah he did like reworked

bits that were like

from my old cds and he did this before he brought me up

and i don’t know if he was doing it

to be a dick and step on my material if he

doesn’t know i don’t even do

those anymore he’s like years and years old

or if he was trying to

fuck with my head or if he’s so retarded that he just

this is what he does he just

steals shit

everywhere and he forgets

where it came from and

so i went on

after him and i had

to jolt myself to be funny

like i had to listen to

it because i wanted to know what the fuck he was saying

once i heard some of my material i’m like

now i have to listen to this guy because i don’t

want i mean what if he does something that i do do

right i don’t

wanna repeat it

so i have to listen this fuck now

so i’m listening to this guy

and it’s like

sucking all the inspiration out of my brain

nothing he says he believes

everything he says is just

angry and stupid and

somebody said

they said how do you know this

woman asked how do you know gene

hackman’s a

great actor what’s your criteria and she goes

cause i always believe him

you know it’s the same kind of

thing yeah he’s the

same thing with the

comic that you go

oh i always believe you like daniel day

lewis you don’t have to go into it

do you believe him or not you know

yeah i mean and you know yourself

when stuff connects and

stuff is real

and there’s a process in

developing material

where there’s a lot of times you

go down a path and there’s

nothing there for you you thought there was you’re

fucking around with it but for whatever reason it

doesn’t come out

that is a part of the process

but there’s a big difference between that

which is just like

you know someone trying to find the comedy

and someone forcing it

someone like well

you know and

i’ve written plenty of

things where i know

people would

laugh i’ll come up with

a thing and it’s like a

trick and you go that’s a

trick i can’t do it though because it’s not me

that’s a trick on the audience that’s just there to be

funny it’s like a surprise like a

magic trick like oh here’s this like

man i wanna be that

guy and that

that sort of

takes you out of who you are when you’re on

stage cause then you’re

aware of that

and when you’re

aware of that then

it takes away from the

muse whatever that

weird connection is

where you feel like you’re a passenger exactly

you had sex with christie

alley right whoa

i did not what the fuck

might have stepped up but at the hell

brian i did the show this is

great i didn’t know i’d be

is this the

whole point i thought

i’d be an ambush man it’s all

i’m being ambush

trick oh can i

plug that i’m

gonna be yeah

where you at

i’m gonna be at the irvine improv tomorrow

headlining 8 o’clock irvine improv

oh the irvine improv is the shit i just had a

whole weekend there that

place is awesome i love it

irvine is awesome

that’s another good

place you might a little

go family man

joe did you

see the nick diaz response to last week’s podcast

yeah he was

upset at mayhem

yeah good you know what nick diaz

he’s saying also that mayhem

is too big that he wants

why does it mayhem come down to one

seventy why you picking on me i’m you know i’m

smaller than you

which is true

you know mayhem can

never make one

seventy i mean

he made it a long time ago when he fought

gsp but he had to starve himself and get down there

you know me

think diaz is a natural one seventy

what what is

your call if i don’t put you on a spot but if gsp

fought anderson’s over

well if he gained weight the correct way

you know it

would be very

very interesting because will they do that anderson

is definitely the best

wrestler that

or gsp rather is

definitely the best

wrestler that anderson has fought

but physically he’s a

smaller man you know

anderson is really tall

he’s tall i

think he’s 6'3 6'2 or 6'3

and he’s really long man he’s really long with his

limbs that’s one of the reasons why he can go up to 205

and then down to 85

i don’t think he

could make 170 though he’s thought

about it he

might be able to but it might be

too much of a

strain on him

but at 185 man he’s hard to fuck with

he’s so fast

is that what it is yeah and if he

stand in front of gsp and gsp you know

can’t take them down or if he decides to

trade with them and gets caught

and anderson

catches you he’s so fucking accurate but

he’s got a big test in

chael sunnin

because chael sunnin

the fight that he’s having on august 7th

that is the biggest guy

at 185 that’s a wrestler

chao’s a big

motherfucker is he really well you saw him

manhandle nate markquart

anybody that can do that to

nate markquart

nate markquart is no joke he’s a

beast nate markquart is a fucking

beast but you know

chelsea and handle

this wrestler i

think greco

roman guy yeah

he’s a beast too

and he is his double

his power double

he runs through

guys it’s like impossible to stop almost

but he’s gonna sum

up if he tries

to if he tries to

trade with yeah he’s

gonna be intrigued

everybody who

tries to trade with anderson gets fucked

yeah he’s too accurate he’s too

slick he has

an athletic ability

that’s very rare he

has this ability to move in and out so fast

if you look at the damian maya

fight like how

quickly he can

launch an attack

and move forward and spring at you and tag you

the knee that he hit maya with

was like no wind up

he just leapt through the air and

smashed him with a fucking flying knee

there’s very few

humans that

he looks like he’s got springs in his

body the way

he handled forrest griffin nobody’s ever been able to

do that to forres griffin is huge huge huge and a good

punch a kicker

yeah he’s a real

solid 230 before he cuts down at 205 he’s a

giant light

heavyweight

and anderson just

ate him up he’s just

he’s a freak

but the other

thing would

be can you stop the shot that

would be the

thing the other guy like that is

fedor i’d love to see him

fight brock i know

i know he got caught in that and nothing

to take away from for doom but i mean he kind of

that’s something

that anybody can get caught in but as far as

just timing and being able to connect

and counter i mean he’s just

ridiculous i

would like to see him fight live

i think he’s

definitely a special athlete but he’s also a

small heavyweight

it was 2 30 or something

and he showed a big hole in his game with the

verdoon fight

he said he just got overconfident

which i could see

i mean why wouldn’t he get overconfident

you haven’t lost in 10

years everyone’s fucking terrified of you

but he just you know he fucked up in verdun’s

guard and verdun’s just too

nasty off of his back

i would like to see him

fight again though he’s

gonna fight alstar over him

which is an even bigger test really i

think yeah what

about brock

that’ll never happen

it’s probably not

gonna happen

you know why it’s not

gonna happen because

the m1 guys that control him

unless they all get hit by a meteor

it’s like they just want too much

why wouldn’t dana pay him

that much well

first of all

they’re all involved in some sort of a lawsuit

right now that i can’t talk

about but it’s not that dana

wouldn’t pay him

it’s that there’s a

thing called co

promotion and that’s what

these guys want they want to be able to co promote

ufc events and that’s what they were offering

they wanted to give you phaidor

and they wanted all the

other russian guys that they handle

to fight in the

ufc as well so we

would take on a

bunch of guys that we didn’t necessarily want

and then on top of it they

would co promote so it

would be ufc

with m1 or m1 global presents

ufc or whatever the fuck however they

would set it up

they would literally like

share 50 of the revenue

which is like the year

she’s like what the fuck are you talking

about fifty but it’d

still be cool like in a marvel

is a capcom

no it’s not

marvel vs capcom because

m1 global is its

they don’t have enough to

bring to the

table all they have is one

fighter ufc does

not like even

dream if it was a co

promotion between

ufc and dream

well at least in dream

you got aoki you got

a lot of high

level guys over there it’s not

quite as high

level as the

ufc but a lot of really good guys

they all rest

over there dan

ouedt’s genius has been he’s kept the

ufc the superstar and no one fighter

he’s so good at that yeah they’ve made a

bunch of guys

famous stars but there’s so many of them

whereas with

boxing the unfortunate

thing about boxing is

there’s really only interest on a few weight divisions

you know there’s an interest whatever pacquiao’s

fighting whatever

lloyd mayweather’s fighting

whatever the clitschkos are fighting

and even the clitschkos not so much you know there’s

when was the last big time

pay per view

super fight with the clichskos i can’t remember

yeah exactly it’s

never been anything i wouldn’t

watch it anyway because i

never thought they were

you know yeah well

he’s really

good vladimir is a very good technical boxer but

the deal is that people

don’t really care enough there’s not passion like when

tyson was fighting

or when lennox

lewis is fighting even or riddick

bow was fighting

there’s passion

a holyfield

title fight was a big deal as well

it’s like there was passion to those guys

personality yeah

i mean it’s

not that vladimir is not a fucking awesome boxer

it’s just for whatever reason people aren’t passionate

about watching him

you know there’s just not that mean

i mean people love hopkins i mean he’s a

throwback is an awesome

fighter but

you know but

you know like there’s not he’s 44 i

think and and took you see what he did to

kelly pablo

oh dude this

is unbelievable we

should get past hopkins who you got

you know you’ve got you

pacquiao you’ve got

you know roy

jones jr when he’s

still fighting at

least people are interesting

yeah i mean but roy john

once he lost the steps yeah

another guy who you know

once he lost that

speed that crazy

blinding speed

isn’t that crazy to

watch dude the

thing about hopkins is that hopkins was always

very tight by the way

in the upper

pocket you know we’re probably

gonna stop and

let’s just stop right now

it’s five minutes before we’re

gonna stop because

brian has to pay and we

stopped with

boxing talk

but that’s not the best

thing for a comedy podcast but i don’t

think this is a comedy podcast anymore it’s just

interesting shit

flashlight com

or go to joe’s website and

click on the

flashlight link and you can get yourself 15

off it feels better than your hand

flashlight flashlight

flashlight this saturday

night i’m at the

house of blues in san diego

one show 10 pm

with joey coco

diaz cocksuckers

i’m coming down playing

trains and automobiles

get ready bitches

and then sunday is the

ufc on versus so we’ll be there for that too as well

i hope you guys enjoyed it

thank you very much for

tuning in we always

appreciate it as as always

and see you

dirty bitches

next week thank you later bye