Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Eddie Bravo.

Transcript

like fucking robin now look at that um

live ladies and gentlemen we are live

we are here at the compound

chilling with eddie the twister bravo shazam son

welcome to the podcast again mr bravo sir

thank you for having me man

thank you for being here it’s an

honor to be on the show we are sponsored as always by

the flashlight

and you know dudes giving me shit

about promoting this and

lately guys like what are you a

spokesman from the flashlight

why you always bring up the flashlight in your podcast

first of all because the

flashlight is actually sponsoring this podcast

that fucking thing behind me i forgot

to shut that off ryan

first of all

we never have something

that doesn’t fuck

only twice we’ve ever done this where we don’t have

sound going off in the background

my computer has the the volume

on oh my cats in the room too that’s good that also

could be a mistake

yeah i thought i kicked her out

she’s so needy she’s an awesome cat but

she’s needy as fuck when it comes to podcasts

she doesn’t give a shit

about you guys spaz go go go go spaz

was that you or the cat no sir

that was private

anyway people

been giving me a hard time saying like will you a

spokesperson for the pot for the

flashlight no i am not

but they are

sponsoring this podcast

and i’m here to tell you just as a person who jerks off

it’s a fucking

solid product

it doesn’t seem like it would be

it seems like it’s a

silly thing

but look you’re

gonna jerk off just accept that

and it’s like

fifty bucks or something like that i

think it’s like fifteen

sixty nine bucks

sixty nine bucks

and those some of them vibrate they cost more

yeah you don’t need that what are you a fucking

robot i guess that the vibration probably

would not be the best on the day how much

doesn’t seem like that

would work that’s just a dude who buys like extras

i want it loaded i want my

how much loaded

it’s like in the 60s 60

bucks and it’s like 50

off so for like 17

off rather for like another 15 bucks

for the wig

you’re talking about 75

bucks total well

brian’s been

stuffing them in couches

and fucking them yeah you put them in between the two

pillows and then i did that with a towel once

you take a plastic bag

a friend of mine we both know him he’s a

cartoonist oh yeah

you get a plat

you put a towel out and then you

put a plastic bag on it and then you roll up the towel

right and then

like a burrito and then you make you just put some

you know yeah some guy has a youtube

tutorial on how to make your own

flashlight he makes really

yeah it looks

super complicated

but you know

how much work

that’s like

how much time is your time

worth an hour okay

is it worth

twenty bucks an hour it’s

gonna take you more than

three hours to make that gut just buy it

right you know to be cool you know be awesome

if you were so tight

and so cool with your

housekeeper

that you didn’t have to

clean you could just

leave it out have

like twenty of them

right if i like

twenty of them

and then she cleans

for you right

that would be dope

yeah and i would use that shit all the goddamn

time me and my

housekeeper just ain’t that tight yet

yeah no housekeeper wants to be

clean your loads that’s

where they draw the

line but how cool

would it be seriously that

would be cool if you

could just throw it like

underwear you know when you just

leave your shit

everywhere you know your

housekeepers coming on wednesday

you know what i mean

it would be cool man then i would

definitely use it i’d

buy it wholesale

and shit that’s like somebody told me the

other days like don’t you know that weed

stores are like

a way for the government to get involved and take your

money i’m like

dude i can use a credit card and be in and out you know

that’s what who cares if the government gets a

piece of it who the fuck

told you that the government’s involved in the weed

stores because of credit cards well yeah

that is the number

one problem with hanging out with people that smoke pot

is there’s so many dopey

stoners that have like

crazy ideas

the latest is that this golf disaster

all the wackies

are saying that this was a

planned event

and that they’re

doing this to use it as an excuse to kill off a

giant percentage of the population

is alex jones

saying that too

what does he

say we need to

get to the bottom of

he’s gotta have

black helicopters

ladies and gentlemen

what they’re doing

right now in the

gulf mirrors

what they’re trying to do in our

school systems

they’re trying to take your guns

dude if you ever had a cartoon

if you ever had a cartoon you

would have to have the alex

jones be a character in the joey

diaz because

those two are almost

perfect like

identical you

could totally

have the best oh i can do alex

really good if i

listen to him

when i listen to him

ladies and gentlemen

i get the tones of the

voice i understand what the new

world order is plotting

and it’s evil

it’s wrong what is they’re coming for your babies

they want to put implants in your uterus

what is what is joey

think about the oil

spill what the fuck you bother me with this oil

spill bullshit listen cocksucker

i got no time i got ten cats in the wheat

store is open at nine a m you know what i’m saying

i get down there i get my og kush

i say hello

maybe i have some fresh squeezed orange

juice and i mind my fucking business

this was asked on my form of spring that i just started

cannabis clubs are one of the biggest

capitalist money making

schemes that

have ever come around in 15 years why is this

never called out why is that well what does that mean

capitalist money making

schemes okay

first of all the one that i go to that

was just shut down was shut

was owned by a guy who’s a businessman who’s a nice guy

who took a chance

on something that’s very controversial

like opening up a marijuana

store and he provides good service and he has

loyal customers because he’s a friendly guy

and they always give you like free joints and

everything when you

leave here try

these cookies they’re awesome

they’re super nice and

super friendly

and it was a privately

owned business by one guy this guy’s full of shit

this guy was providing me

with an awesome service

he was selling

great weed all legally doing

everything according to california

state law by the book

every single aspect of it

and he had a nice business

going we’re at a

bunch of people that were like

loyal business

there’s nothing

the government has nothing to do with that

i mean no more

than the government has to do with me telling jokes

because look if i’m telling jokes

you know if i’m getting paid to do comedy

i gotta pay taxes

so in a sense

when you go to see my act you support the government

i mean really in a sense

i pay the government

a ton of money

every year it comes 48

or something like that of your

money it goes

literally to

taxes supporting my government by

drinking his coconut water

yeah we need

a certain amount of fucking government

folks okay don’t

worry about you

know where the

money from pot

stores is going

alright worry

about the massive

impact that marijuana being that accessible and

basically legal

the massive impact that that has on our culture

it’s only been

going on for a few years and i’ve noticed a

giant difference in just

how many people

are more aware

how many more people are

just like aware of like the legality of it

why it’s illegal

what the you know what the

whole conspiracy was with william

randolph hearst back in the 30s

so many more

people are informed and people aren’t afraid of anymore

it’s not like people

think that it’s

gonna give you

brain damage it’s

gonna fuck your world up

like people

understand now that that’s bullshit and they’re

starting to realize that it can enhance your life

that’s so fucking important man

fuck all this government conspiracy the biggest

capitalist making

scheme ever

don’t look at that stop you’re being silly

you’re looking for a negative

in something that’s incredible

marijuana has finally broken through

and i can tell you from

california it’s

crazy you can go anywhere in

those weed stores

my place got closed down because it’s too

close to a school

but i put an article

on my on twitter

and i put an

article or you

know i put a

post on twitter and i put a post on message board

hey where are the good

places in the valley in california

and fucking i got dozens of

suggestions like instantly

there’s never been a time like this ever

i like my place

check it out it’s just a

house it’s like

a suburban neighborhood it’s crazy

tuluca lake collective

oh you took me there once

yeah that place is cool yeah

yeah no that

place is very cool it is like a

house you go in a little

little picket fence

front yard and shit

what kind of

weird the best

shit is medpott delivery com

have you ever thought

about that i’ve already

them now what’s the

name of my mother i had i needed weed

and this motherfucker came to my

house what’s the negatives is that illegal the

negatives is some dude who delivers pot knows

where you live

no no he’s actually

i’ve known oh

okay you’ve actually bought

weed from him before

which guys his name is brett he

trains that

but in culver city with

gerson he’s

about gracie guy

we know him okay you remember that guy yeah really good

now he delivers the ship met

okay well then you have to worry

but yeah yeah have you that is correct like if you were

thinking about

this like like out of this

cloud you would say hey this guy is

in the drug business

and he’s in my

house checking my shit out

you know you

could look at it that way but

would you be bothered

if a guy came over with a delivery of fine wine

you wouldn’t care

right i was

having a drug deal

i wouldn’t fucking

win man if a guy

came over your

house and he had some really nice

expensive french wine that guy’s a drug dealer well i

would never let him in my house like i don’t let my ep

ups guy but i would have to let

the weed guy in my house because you’re not going

to break out

no you know you would

why not if it’s legal

because i have my neighbors don’t care if it’s

legal they think oh this guy’s doing drugs on the front

my neighbors can suck my dick oh

you can’t even

see your neighbors you can roll down a hill and you

still don’t hit your neighbors yeah but

if i did even if i did have neighbors your neighbors

should know who the fuck you are man

are you worried

about getting a bag of weed in

front of your neighbors that’s crazy yeah

yeah well they also own the

place i think if a guy

came over your

house to deliver a nice case of wine you’d let him

right in you let him

right in and roll that little dolly

right into your

kitchen and

maybe like dumb fuck yeah you

know what i mean i come in some wine

i wash my fucking button up shirt

it’s trust me and it’s

it’s hilarious i don’t mean you as a dumb fuck

right i just meant like yeah

with someone with that mentality

that i mean

wine’s a drug

it is a drug it’s responsible for you know

so much art and

culture and so much the way

human beings behave

you know alcohol

based societies any alcohol

based society there

it’s like you

know when societies get into alcohol it’s always like

violence and yelling and

lots of fun

to lots of fun

and passion

and and and poetry and

music and shit like

that you mix weed and alcohol together that’s the best

isn’t it funny though that you

never think of wine as a drug

when nobody

thinks of wine like i do drugs

what kind of drug you do i do wine

was this certificate

is not to be trusted

i don’t know what that’s going on

i think my twitter is

crashing my girl ex

girlfriend used to always say that

she used to always say that wine’s a drug

no the certificate

never mind oh

nobody knows what we’re talking

about here twitter is

going tweet dex is

going nutty and i’m just

gonna shut it off

because it’s distracting shut off the

stream now no no no not shut off

shut anyway

wine is a drug you know

it really is nobody

thinks about it always forget that

alcohol is a drug anybody

especially all the time

wine seems like

something you know you have if you’re sophisticated

you know it’s like

the most accepted like if you tell people you

smoke weed there’s

a lot of people that look at you like there’s something

wrong with you

to read that show

sometimes but then you get like

you get like

wine in a box

and that’s just

like man this is like kool aid for alcohol

you know 5 i got a

whole box of alcohol

stanky though there’s nothing

worse than some shitty

wine man yeah i

agree what do you

think mel gibson was drinking

when he made

those calls

what was he

drinking i don’t

can we hear him yeah

if you don’t know what we’re talking

about mel gibson

apparently lost his fucking marbles he’s got this

chick who he’s

i mean he was

married for a number of years and has you know

quite a few kids with

and he left her

and this is the new

chick that he hooked up with

i think it’s more than alcohol though i

think this is just straight up like what she was saying

crazy person yeah

but you would

this is what i’ve always told people

about actors like

actors are really

annoying and one of the

things that’s so annoying

about them is

they really are like

you have to be

crazy to want to be an actor

you have to be

crazy to get through all

those hoops and there’s a lot of them that are cool

i mean a lot of actors that are

really fun to hang around with but for the most part

a giant percentage of them are fucking

completely insane

and the business coddles to them

because the business is kind of

like always like getting them food and kissing

their ass and mr gibson will be

ready for you in 20 minutes

he’s making so much

money and he’s the you know the

focus of all

these people’s attention and love and adulation

these movies are

giant you know passion the crisis giant

and so that just blows your fucking ego up even more

you know and

most of them like a good percentage of them are really

truly insane

you know good percentage of actors are

they’re totally delusional

we’re starting to see that now

because of all

these sources these

tmz places and

stuff like that

where you get to see someone’s true personality

they catch them

drunk coming out of a

nightclub and you get a camera on them

all this shit that’s

going on right now

what you’re getting to see

deep behind the curtain

twitter i mean shit

you know there’s some

there’s some

crazy ass celebrities i

swear to god and

couple fighters

oh man there it there

it’s war machine has an awesome toilet

falling falling

apart in front of the

world you know yeah

it’s incredible summer

level yeah very

entertaining

yeah there’s

definitely people that are losing

their fucking shit

there’s a lot

of people out there doing twitter that really

should not be allowed to talk

you shouldn’t be allowed to be just talking publicly

yeah you should handle you man

like whoever whoever’s handling britney spears

right now they got it wired

for years this wasn’t an

issue people

could have publicist

and you could say

stupid shit and

and you know and nobody nobody cared nobody ever

found out about it

all think about all the

crazy scandals

that have happened throughout history and how much they

would be much more in the news

today than ever before

it will think about

the rod stewart um

pumping the stomach yeah

rumor remember that that was like

early 80s yeah

well we talked

about this before the gerbil

rumor the richard

gear gerbil

rumor that’s the

world champ

before twitter before internet

imagine that shit that is the

world champion

rumor yeah no

rumor can fuck with that

rigid gerbil up the ass

rumor because there was

nothing nothing there was no

cd television shows that talked about it

there was no internet

it’s somehow another made it he grew up in california

i grew up in boston we both

heard it yeah

that one in the stomach pumping rod

stewart taco bell

survived the sour

cream come rumor and i

still even while

i’ve never even

heard sour cream

oh dude this guy got busted working at

taco bell he just came in a

bunch of tacos he used to do it for two

months blah blah blah

brian that was a

rumor only in your town

maybe it was that shit didn’t make it

i still want the taco bell

that happens like

every that’s like taco

bell is food we’re talking about a

human being

that life is real yeah but

i don’t put

human beings in my

mouth unless i but dude you could stop

okay eating tacos

and you wouldn’t have to

worry about

that guy you can’t stop being richard gear what are

the two biggest rumors pre internet have in common

loads and sex gay yeah

fuck what anyway says what about the

remember the george michael

thing was that before the internet when yes it was

the cops i mean there was a there was a meager internet

was a little it was not the kind of

culture that’s everybody have aol

my space yeah it wasn’t like instant that was i

watched careless whisper today on youtube

what george michael careless whisper

dude click on go open that shit up wait you

first here to smoke gibson oh

no let’s go let’s go positive

first that negative okay

careless whispers

careless whispers george michaels

and it’s all talking

about the videos

him and he’s dancing is with a girl it’s all talking

about him and a girl

breaking up it’s a

great song but

there’s a scene

where he has to kiss the girl why did you

watch today

why i just fascinated

was this during flashlight time

how about you

so you like zoom in on his face like with some

crazy fbi cia

stuff and you see right when he kissed his eyes

his eyes rolled back but it’s just something

about the even the words were gay

it wasn’t just gay the way he

dressed and looked and he probably didn’t like the song

but but he accepted

maybe he did no maybe he did

it accepted

guilty feet i’ve got no rhythm no i’m never gonna

dance again

guilty feet i’ve got no rhythm

what heterosexual man would be willing to say that

i’ve got guilty feet

guilty feet i’ve got no rhythm

guilty feet of what

the fuck are you talking oh you got it hooked up brian

just did that on

the fly through the

soundboard on

the fly i just did

it on the fly like

ladies and gentlemen

tech support

extraordinaire

brian redman rikel

and everything

about him he’s so like feminine

like beautiful handsome man his hair is fabulous

you know like

striking features

only gay people like

saxophone and songs

if george michael was straight he

could do so much damage

if you see a straight

aggressive man

with those looks and

the fucking

voice that he has you know what kind of damage that

motherfucker

could have done that facial hair

god everything the

whole package

beautiful man

listen to this

guilty feet i’ve got no rhythm cut son you’re gay

and you’re white

you’re gay guilty feet you’ve got no rhythm

fantastic music of the 80s

all right now that’s positive and that’s all good

and now what we have to talk

about ladies and gentlemen

something that’s not so positive and that’s okay

we gotta play this buck and mel gibson clip

you need to know tell me when to imagine

if this was a

thing like a secret

relationship that’s the next one

that’s the next one

gonna be a ted haggard

ted haggard banned me from fucking twitter man

god damn it what he blocked me

i’m so mad i know

who you are for a long time i was enjoying it

and no it was because of a comment i think

he probably has

heard my bit

before but he probably didn’t know i was following him

i mean i would assume if

he’s online someone probably sat on my bit

but anyway he

wrote on his twitter

he goes after

sunday you know

bible study

sandwiches and then dot dot dot question mark

so i wrote meth and blowjobs question mark

haha that was

my response

and so he blocked me

i’m fucking very upset man what a

pussy cause it was fascinating reading his twitter

now i have to i

could still watch read it though dude you can’t totally

block me i’ll just going through a web browser

you don’t know that it blocks you on your iphone though

doesn’t it it only blocks you on

whatever application you’re using tweet deck or twitter

it doesn’t do it on the web

no you go right to the website

remember that was how our friend did not know that we

knew that he was saying some fucked up shit

right totally unrelated thing but

but so i still get to

read and take in the goodness that is the

ted haggard twitter

if you don’t know ted haggard is famous

evangelist that turned out was

actually smoking meth and having gay sex with hookers

all these gay hookers

and he was like a huge like

spokesperson for the religious right

used to have conference calls weekly with george bush

where they would talk about you know

such things as you know

promoting christianity and stopping the gauge ending

it was just a crazy homo

dude that sounds like a sitcom dude okay

like that dude’s life is a sitcom he’s

married he’s got kids he’s

but he’s not

gay but he’s a cooker on the side just to pay the bills

oh my god and

ted hagrid is one of his customers

what do you think

when i got busted

what did he feel like how did that feel

to get caught like with the that’s

not on video can you imagine

if the guy videotaped it right

like real clear

hd quality low job

that’s probably what he wanted

i wanted to get kai that’s probably what this

whole thing was

probably he probably got caught and started

twisting his nipples by what’s happening the cops

no way i think this

yeah he probably

think eddie’s right but i also think that when you

when you’re hiding that much i

think the pressure is so hard

that you almost want to get caught to end it

i think the pressure of like having that big of a

secret you’re this christian religious

evangelist that’s like a public

speaker who’s revered

by the christian movement and meanwhile you’re

smoking crystal meth and sucking a guy’s asshole

you know you’re

we don’t know that

we don’t know that yeah no no the guy was very explicit

not all guys

suck ass no

no the hooker the hooker was very very open

about it oh really he talked about

sucking the rectum oh dude they get freaky

i don’t know i don’t know

you might as well

i might be talking on my ass

right there i don’t remember the

exact details i remember he was talking

about having gay sex

there’s nothing

actually mentioned suck you know there’s lame

chicks who who don’t really like to suck dick

i wonder if there’s like lame gay dudes who

they don’t really like to lick assholes and

i’m sure just give you a little hand off

i was selfish

i was on so dope

is gay dude

i was on submit your

flicks last

night dot com which is like youtube for porn

and there was this one

video where this hot chick had this

nasty boyfriend

and she was just like this is home amateur

video just fucking eating his ass

and i wanna you know it’s like it’s like

crazy like how do you get to that

point where you’re like dude the

balls are right there you never had a

chick lick your ass

huh yeah but it was by the

mistake kind of

it wasn’t like you can’t you can’t you can’t

the chicks gonna lick your ass

you you can’t there’s a very funny episode

sex in the city about that

very funny episode of sex in a city

where a guy wanted to get his ass licked

and he was like

he licked her ass and he was like trying to like lean

his ass towards her face

get the fuck out of here

man i like it

yeah i don’t

fan of that what

would you why do you think porn is

going in such a crazy direction are people spiral

spiraling out of control

i mean the amount of like

fucked up porn it’s available

today it must

be like ten thousand times what it was in the

eighties more even

it was it was very hard like in the nineteen

eighties to get i

think it’s just

technology yeah you have you got one mouth

fucks you know like

smacks and beating

chick chicks up and

and nut in their eyeballs and and there’s

like so much nutty shit that’s online like aggressive

like violent porn

yeah so much more

it’s more people have cameras and internet

connections and is

that what it is i

think or is it just that people are numb

to the regular shit

and things like porn and the obsession with porn

accelerates just like technology

it just gets crazier and

crazier and

crazier crazier

because there’s a lot of like porn that used to

watch when you were a kid that

you know wouldn’t even get you

excited now

it’d be boring as fuck

you just get so desensitized you want that

high resolution

close up shit

two thousand and

eight did porn and 3d what’s the latest on that

who knows i don’t know but you went here mel goods

yeah let’s go to mel gibson before we go into porn

here’s the here’s the big call this

is the first one this is i think the

second one but this is like there

if you don’t know mel gibson has this chick

and the chick is

his baby mama and she’s got his daughter

and so mel gibson is calling her

and they’re having a conversation with the

phone the chick is secretly taping it and it’s fucking

crazy all right here we go

don’t hang up on me i can i have plenty

of energy to drive over you gotta make this much louder

brian this is really low

all right i don’t know if this gonna work folks

you know what it was

better than nothing it was better when you had the

microphone you put it right over the youtube

we’re gonna try a different way folks because i

think this recording is just a little too low

i don’t think it’s good with the mic that’s

what we did it before

it’s louder that’s the thing

give us one second here

ladies and gentlemen we apologize for the delay but

you got it brian

yeah now it’s just downloading the video

it’s downloading i mean is that gonna take a second

yeah it’s about for a little bit

why did it stop

god damn internet

right we think you got to figure out

much better i have plenty of energy to drive over there

you understand me and i will

so just fucking listen to me

listen to my fucking ranting

listen to what you do to me

i didn’t do anything to you

you are ruining my life you make my life so

fucking difficult

well you know what it’s

a woman that fucking supports me instead of

woman that sucked off me

and just fucking sucks me dry and once and once

get to this relationship if you’re a good

woman and you love me

i don’t believe you anymore what am i

what did you just say you’re bullshit

has any relationship ever worked with you no

listen to me

you don’t summon me

somebody who loves does not behave this way i do not

but my daughter is important

all right now you have one more chance and i need

pause this for a second

you fuck my damn you care about yourself

your self is so fucking good to you

you fuck i didn’t do anything i did not

do anything this is your selfish imagination that’s all

help me

i’m sleeping with a baby i’m waking up every two

hours i fell asleep

because i was waiting for you because you weren’t

ready to go to jacuzzi

as we agree

we agreed nothing

you agree you just fucking

expect shit

go to the goddamn jacuzzi yourself

gotta fuck it

fucking jacuzzi

it does same

i was just fucking

soul i didn’t

blame you for

anything i was

just waiting

you have no fucking soul

you can’t give a fuck

i left my wife

because we had no spiritual common ground you and i

zero you won’t even

fucking try

you don’t care

you don’t care you just enjoy insulting me that’s all

fuck you i so fucking do because you hurt me so bad

i didn’t do

i did not do

the best part is when

your girlfriend she’s not your girl

oh really

stop apologize for nothing stop you are dishonest cunt

stop being apologize for a reason

i wanted to peace i wanted to have peace because

you are unbalanced

and instinctively i feel that

you are unbalanced

you need medication

he’s gonna drive a friend into this one

and if you will not fucking admit that get the fuck out

and i will make your goddamn life miserable

you need medication what what

a fucking little girl with a fucking dysfunctional gun

i need a fucking woman i want that is my ringtone

yeah you need medication what

what you need a fucking bat my side of the head oh

you need a fucking doctor you need a fucking brain

transplant you need a you need a fucking soul

i need medication

who understands what gratitude

is because i

fucking bend over backwards with my balls in the knot

to do it all

for and she gives me shit

like a fucking sour look

or says i mean

the fuck is that

okay i’ve had enough of this

this is going on too long seriously hold on

this is brilliant

fucking don’t care about me

i’m having a hard time you fucking like

the rock you bitch you fucking selfless bitch

don’t you dare

hang up on me

i can’t listen to this anymore

you hang up coming over there

i’ll call the police

what i’ll call the police you fucking cunt

i’m coming to my house you’re in my house honey

yes but you

honey don’t call me

honey you just you’re in my

house so i’ll call

the police and tell them there’s someone in my house

how about that

you can do that

watch watch

fuck you i don’t

fault i don’t involve the police in anything because i

stand up for myself you you weak cunt

you call a fucking cop

then i will go to alessia’s right

now why don’t you fuck off to that cunt

bitch alicia

she was fucking making

eyes at me she to suck me in five

seconds take that

one up with her

i was trying to

scare your goddamn

feelings she had

blown me in five

seconds she’s not your friend

you don’t have any fucking friends

except me and you

treat me like shit

so that’s why i’m so

fucking angry

because i don’t have any friends

okay okay okay okay okay

was that crazy oh my come on

she’ll suck me in five

seconds oh my god

she was making eyes he’s not your friend

that’s actors

that’s fucking actors this is what i’m talking about

when i first moved to california and i first

started working with actors i couldn’t believe how

crazy so many of them were

there’s a lot of

crazy motherfuckers

that just know

how to act normal when they’re being interviewed during

press junk kids and

you know and i figured out a way he

can save his career

but shut the fuck up no no seriously

that is all

viral videos for a

movie oh my

god be brilliant

we grow crazy

with that what

a viral video for a

movie about

an obsessive rich

guy who’s taking care of a russian whore

and we and it’s

gonna get worse

yeah that’s a

great idea for a

movie yeah it’s

gonna get worse the

world comes over

so that’s actually a

great idea for a movie

get a girl from a country like russia

where it’s you know

it’s poor and they there’s a lot of

women over there that are fucking beautiful man

stunningly beautiful

but they got like a hardness to them right

so she comes over she decides alright i’m

gonna let this rich guy fuck me

i’m gonna make a ton of

money and just you know just deal with it deal with him

and he just becomes fucking

crazy and he’s like a giant

movie star like

you know what

movie was kind

of like that that hasn’t even come out yet remember

dude what was that

joaquin phoenix i

started growing the beard and going

crazy and then

that’s a movie

is he doing that for

movies yeah

viral bullshit well

that’s that’s what

i’ve always thought i was wondered what the

other day i

heard that was how

did he go on conan is yeah

yeah he like gave

up acting he’s like and then he had all this like oh

television appearances

where he acted

crazy and stuff

that was like

a film i just

found out recently and i thought that

from day one i’m like this is bullshit that dude’s not

why is he on conan if he’s

going crazy and quitting acting you know

right right

right that’s fascinating

so hopefully mel gibson is so

when is that

movie supposed to come out

i don’t know

a couple weeks ago i heard

about it it was like a document

mockumentary there’s a few

dudes that can just act

their fucking ass off there’s a few dudes

where i really

appreciate the

craft of what they’re doing

like gary oldman he’s one of them but

why can’t yakim how do you say it joaquin

he’s one of them to that that

motherfucking

gonna act his ass off he did

johnny cash

perfectly perfect that was

that’s a fuck that a blu ray

it must be it must be i got it on my

is mel gibson a

great actor

fuck yeah fuck yeah

cause he’s crazy as fuck

back in the day dude the mad max days

who the fuck

would have been a better mad max day

always and fuck you in the

drive through

dude mad max was

that’s fucking joe pesci bro

yeah but that was from lethal weapon

lethal weapons sucked dude

i that’s how i like lethal

weapon and like

one was okay one was kind of cool and then they got

stupid but mad max is the shit dude yeah

mad max is that road warrior was awesome too

badass brave heart

brave heart was the shit

brave heart was outstanding that was his best work yeah

i remember leaving those like a

three hour movie and i left and i went to the comedy

store right afterwards and i got on stage

and i just i had so much fucking energy just from that

movie like i felt it like it

you know who’s always say that

paul mooney

he’s always say that whenever he um entertains

or whenever he gets

entertained rather he does a better job of entertaining

he goes i always do a better job

after i’ve seen something entertaining

yeah braveheart i did not expect it i saw

it i didn’t even want to see it

i heard it was three hours

like the movie i wanted to see wasn’t

it was sold out i was like

fuck this braveheart bullshit

i walked out of that motherfucker

and my head just exploded i thought it was a date

movie you know it’s like what is it more

what is this

know bunch of dummies running at each other with swords

i always thought that that is like the most

tired premise ever

there’s group of fucking enemy on one side you know

group of soldiers on one side and

their enemy on the other side and they run at each

other and fucking

smash in the middle and kill each other

how many times they do that fucking scene

you know yeah they’ll keep going

but braveheart

braveheart should be that that should have settled it

that should

unless you’re using

monsters and goblins and shit coming at each

other like that stop doing that

right stop doing those

gladiator was good though to

people started making more

titanics you know people rip off movies there’s like a

vampire genre

what if there’s a giant

cruise line or sinking genre

yeah they do rip off

genres but someday they can

poseidon adventures like that

that’s like the only

other well i

think that shit really happens

so it’s not really ripping off it’s just right

right right but

how does that work is only

one person authorized i mean anyone can pretty much

write their own

story about the

titanic right

i guess once

it’s covered like that people go well it’s a

academy award winner let’s just

leave it alone

yeah i don’t

think they left it

alone i think there’s a lot of

titanic movies called titanic

you know what there is yeah

i think there’s a couple shitty ones you know like

cheap ones that

existed before yeah

i don’t know who knows

who gives a fuck who cares

yeah but anyway that yacht

joaquin phoenix dude that guy can act his ass off

there’s a few guys like that

what’s his face the the

australian dude

what the fuck’s his name

russell russell

crowe correct

he’s a bad motherfucker too

robin hood suck

big balls though did you see that

new one oh my god

yes you didn’t see it i didn’t even know it looks so

bad fucking garbage

first of all he does not look like a

robin hood he’s got this fat face

he looks like a guy who eats too much

you know you know i’m saying

i mean he looks like this

like he looks like a well fed

taken care of guy

he doesn’t look like a hungry who was in it

who is robin

russell crowe

russell crowe

i mean he’s not fat

but he’s not

he’s not like a lean like

sinewy looking dude

you know that’s when you picture

robin hood man you don’t

picture some guy looks like well fed and

it isn’t tights and shit isn’t like

robin and tights

or something

can you imagine

trying to do if you got

if sony pictures gave you like full

like green light

power to produce and direct

jack and jill

you know what i mean

you fuck they

gotta go up a hill why do they go up this fucking hill

you know to me they get some

water can you imagine that it’s like

robin hood you

you’re like handcuffed you got it

you got this dude fucking

steals like how we

gonna make this

happen i don’t see jack and jill i can see jack

and jill coming out like like the journey up the hill

you know or something like that i

could totally

make robin hood

i could see a good

robin hood but you

would have to get someone who’s you

know it’s all

about who writes the

script and who

directs it and whose vision it is yeah

i mean this dude did

exist for real

but i mean the story

is horrible

i don’t remember

robin remembers

it not again

man robin hood

what is the actual

story it was

robbing from the rich stealing

robbing the rich and giving you the poor

that’s the whole

robin hood damn there’s no

robin hoods around a day

what’s the last

motherfucker like that

what was the

what was the story

yeah kings or

something like that

it was so bad i don’t remember shit the

movie was that bad it was bad

i liked when he was a fox

he was a fox disney

who russell crowe robin hood

what the fuck are you talking about

robin hood the old disney cartoon where he’s a fox

what the original

robin hood i have no idea what you’re talking

about you’ve

never seen robin hood cartoon

movie no what

he was a fox rob

was a fox no he

wasn’t yes he was

a fucking fox

you got some

weird rumors

about loads and taco bell

i got you did you

eat mushrooms too fucking fox some people

can’t handle we

folks you know what happened we did

smoke a lot both we both smoke two hits each

and then i said

you once more

and brian said no no motherfucker what are you talking

about goddamn fox

listen remember

i show you just because you remember this no i don’t

no i don’t i don’t

that’s like a classic disney

movie like bambi and

stuff oh really i thought you saw it sorry

no i thought everyone saw that so he was a fox

first and then became robin hood yeah it’s

ridiculous maybe you got

me i saw it i don’t remember okay

ryan you i could have you win

i thought you

i thought you ate some sherm or something

well okay anyway the point was that

russell crowe’s

movie wasn’t very good

back to fucking mel gibson

holy shit when he said

when he he tried to

break up his friendship with

her friendship with her best friend

cause she would have sucked me in five

seconds she’s not your friend

that was deep shit

right there

the rose garden

it’s hilarious cause it was probably true

well what is it

about when someone just has a colossal

catastrophic fuck up like this

that makes you so uncomfortable

i think it’s because

you are terrified that you

would ever see that kind of behavior in yourself

and you can only imagine

that it could be possible in some fucking unsprung

fit of madness that you got

completely out of control

when you were

drunk or on drugs or something and you said

shit equally is

crazy go ahead to the goddamn jacuzzi yourself

go ahead fuck that jacuzzi

i love to have recordings of arguments i got in with

crazy girlfriends when i was

young and stupid

but you know what

the one thing i thought

about at least

three or four times

while i’m listening to this is

damn the bitch

could be really psycho

he’s probably fucked up because she probably did some

crazy shit maybe

maybe i’m just

thinking maybe

he she did some

crazy shit then she records it

and he’s not repeating what he did because

he assumes that she already knows i mean of course

listen it’s i mean

he’s crazy and if he’s not crazy

then he’s incredibly weak

that was like

the weakest version of the pimp pan i’ve ever

heard ever they

don’t you fucking hang up on me

what are you talking

about son why

are you getting

his brother he like gave away

every fucking move

first of all

she’s calm and collected

he’s screaming

and yelling

calling her cunt

he loses he loses

right off the bat

cause she’s like

i don’t know why you’re so

excited you need

medication what

what he fucking loses he’s trying to intimidate her

he’s doing fucking

hard doing nothing he’s telling her he’s gonna

bring the cops to

her house to kick her out with her baby

and she’s like you can do that if you want

she’s like did she owned him

it was just like straight domination

how dare you i’m

just trying to

i’m just trying to help out a brother

that’s he’s

your brother he’s weak

that’s a deprived

idiot that’s a weak weak man

we thought we were talking

about brave

heart you know what i mean i

touched me and i’m

thinking damn let’s help

this motherfucker out

that you know what i mean

guys can get crazy

guys can get possessive

i know he’s a brilliant director too that

apocalypto was fascinating i

loved it i never saw

it i hated the

other one the passion of christ to me

was like a two hour

movie about a dude with

magic who got the fuck beat out of him

i mean he could do

magic tricks and they just beat his fucking ass

and then kill them

and the end and he comes back oh what a fucking movie

like if you take away

the story of

jesus you take away the biblical you know

story of it if you don’t know that as a reference

as a standalone

movie it’s terrible

as a standalone

movie it’s a guy

who just does a few

magic tricks and

they beat the fuck out of him and kill him that’s the

whole movie dude they

gotta do part

two and part

three and make it

really comes back cause the

motherfucker comes back

right you believe that

other shit you

might as well go with it

there’s more to the

story that’s just part one

mel that could save your fucking career

it’s so cool

it’s so funny

how strong the

urge is to look into the past

for a time where

things were explained and clear and

that we were in the presence of divine glory and

the lord was here on

earth and walking amongst men

it’s so funny how

we just have this incredible need to look to the past

as if there’s something that we knew and we forgot

there was a

connection that we had and it was lost

i wonder what that represents

you know there’s people that

think that that represents

psychedelics that

this whole idea of the christ this

whole idea of that at one

point in time we were connected to god

and now we’re not

you know and

a lot of people believe that it was a climate change

issue that mushrooms stopped growing

and they couldn’t get

them and they couldn’t use them as a regular part of

their culture

you know which is the

whole basis of the sacred mushroom and the

cross that book

so i wonder man i wonder what the

fuck that is but god people are so hung up on that idea

they love the idea of there being a person at one

point in time that really had all the answers

it’s so important to them

you know if he

existed he’s probably just

you know a super enlightened guy who

you know figured shit out and people

were so stupid back then that they thought he was

magical but really he probably

never even said he was

if he existed i

mean if he existed

i’ve heard the arguments

against it and they’re much

stronger than the arguments for him

existing i just i know i view

i go back and forth but

if you just

think about it

you know the christians and the

muslims they fucking killed each

other they hate each other

they you know that

the jews and the christians hate each

other they killed each other

slaughter each other

so if there was

if jesus didn’t

exist the jews

would be talking

about that all the time

they say well he did

exist but he’s not like the son of god

but yeah he’s a

bad mother of

governance and

that’s not enough and the same

thing with they

would be all over it

but there’s not enough evidence

then when you’re talking

about stories that are

first of all

almost all the biblical

stories came from somewhere else almost all of them

you can get

the story of

the creation from the

the epic of gilgamesh has like

so many parallels almost the same

exact stories are told

through many different

cultures you

get down to know that

jesus character that’s in the

movies that

exist a nalopia

but that jesus character is

exist in timelines

far earlier than

jesus christ is supposed to walk the

earth as a person

that’s why i’m very skeptical

i don’t know i know that

that theme that theme has been

going on for thousands of years if i had to choose i

would say he did exist

based on the

muslims and the jews but why choose

but i’m just saying that we’re

just discussing it no one really knows i know that’s i

think the best

way to look

at it if we just only discuss shit that we had

proof for then no no

i’m not saying i’m not saying don’t discuss it what i’m

saying is we have this inclination to go one way or the

other and i don’t

think it’s necessary in something like this

if you had to though

i know but if you don’t

you don’t have to

you know what i’m saying you’re just a

human being like

we have this massive

inclination to go one way or the other

you know do you go

jesus or atheist you go mac or pc you know

it’s an urge

that we have to like to accept whether or not someone

existed or i’m

gonna say that he

existed he was just a bad

that’s all his

dad was a god particle

his dad was a god particle

if you don’t know there’s a

discussion and debate

whether or not the higgs boston particle

the media crew you know

named god particle the

scientists don’t call it the god particle but what it

basically is is

a particle that existed

at the very beginning of the universe the

birth of the universe

milliseconds

after the big bang they believe this particle

existed and they now believe there’s

five different

individual versions of the higgs boson particle

a particle collider in illinois of all

places is the

place that they’re saying that the competition

for the new watch

that they’re

about to shut down supposedly

its last breath

is supposedly there’s

rumors that it

found this and we’re

gonna find out in this

speech in paris

next week or

something like that is that what it is there’s

two different

camps on this

some scientists are saying that there’s no

way and there’s no evidence and this is just bullshit

rumors and then

there’s other scientists

that are involved in it they’re saying it’s very

clear they have

all the markings that they’ve discovered this

actual particle

yeah they’re

gonna present

their findings july

22nd at the

paris international

i joke around

about the shit on

stage you know

about like what the fuck are we doing you

know because i

think it is a strange

thing that technology

used to be used to enhance our lives you know

like to create

cups and you

know electricity all

these different

things that make our life easier

but when you get to a certain level of

of discovery

like the higgs boston particle like you know

like what they’re

working on right now like

these particle colliders and all this craziness like

wow what what is what’s

gonna come out of here that’s

gonna help us is this

gonna help us at all or is this just we’re just

let’s see if we can do this

i mean and there’s nothing

wrong with let’s see if we can do this

if you got all your

other shit covered

you know but

right now i

mean look at all the fucking problems in the world if

the number one

thing that scientists

are working on is this is that the right

thing it’s a totally debatable issue

i mean if you were the guy who got to dictate

how we should

fix the world

and you got to

bring all the scientists together and say hey

what should we concentrate on

would you say let’s make little

black holes and

you know let’s use the higgs boston you

know let’s try to find the higgs boston particle what

would you try to do

i would let him do it

jump really high you

gotta let him do it for sure as long as they spend

equal time trying to

perfect big dick pills you know

put some time into that too

do you think if you jumped

every day and like

had some way to calculate how high you jumped

every day and he

tried it for 10 years that the how

big high do you think you

think there’s like a wall of how much you yeah of

course yeah

or do you think you

could continue

with how high are you

god damn what a

ridiculous question

that’s like what i

would love to be able to do that experiment

why don’t you just do it

i thought about it but my

people my ex

girlfriend thought i was fucking

crazy so i stopped i only last like a week fuck that

bitch fuck that

bitch man try it

you can become the best jumper ever

be in the olympic jumping team you have to

my my idea is that you

would have to get better

every week you probably

wouldn’t ever stop your muscles

would grow you

would go jump higher and higher and

well let’s put it to

the test son i don’t want to do i don’t have that time

dude imagine if you

could jump high dude

do it listen

back to what we’re talking

about with the higgs boston particle

i don’t i’m not criticizing don’t get me

wrong i’m not

criticizing scientists i’m not saying they

should be concentrating

other things

i just think it’s weird

this obsession that we have with technology

would like digging deeper and deeper into like the

heart of matter

that we’re supposed to man i know i

think we’re supposed to too

i mean that’s what i

my whole thing on stage is

it’s a joke is

about that we create the big bang

you know that

human beings

are what actually creates the big bang and we crack

the universe open and

starts all over

again from scratch then

14 billion years

later another

human being

that gets developed

makes the big bang and do it all over again

did you hear

that the methane gas bubble was debunked that whole

thing that was

going around

yeah i did but

i don’t know if there’s enough data on that

i don’t know who’s

right and who’s

wrong i know the people that are talking

about that area are talking about

that they’re not letting

any photographers

photographers

in they’re not letting reporters in

they have a huge problem with the

pollution in the air

the oil is not just oil on the surface of the

water there’s

vapor in the air

and the parts per million

of acceptable toxins is through the fucking roof

so they might have to

evacuate certain areas it’s a fucking ugly ugly ugly

scene you’re talking

about an oil

spill that’s bigger than

states i mean

i don’t even

think we could

wrap our head around how big of a disaster this is

the ocean is gigantic

but there’s a huge part of it that is just fucked up

right now and we’ve

never seen anything on this

scale in human history that we’re aware of

especially not in like you know

has it hit the coast

of florida has it hit

florida that’s hit

florida so all

those houses

those beachfront

houses that probably

what areas it’s

hit and what areas it hasn’t well in houston

texas they’re getting

those tar bubbles or whatever

things and parts of florida

started to get them

about two weeks

they’re saying millions of fish are dead

they just put a cap on

it they finally put some sort of a cap to stop it but

there’s reports

that there’s oil coming from more than one spot off the

ocean floor

which means that the pipe when it blew up

that it’s it’s possible that

there’s all sorts of ruptures further down the line

which means i’m

sure they would know that though i

think i don’t know

did they if you go on you

stream right now there’s nine cameras on you

stream on the

well what they’re talking

about is holes

miles yeah you

would just take like a little submarine

thing that would go and take

or you know

score the area you would see

oil coming out of the

water wouldn’t you

well there’s guys that have

photographed

things that they say are plumes that are inside the

water i don’t know you know

there was a guy on cnn

that was talking

about the possibilities

and he was just

a scientist that was explaining

what they’re trying to do

right now with the cap and what is

worst case scenario

and he said that

worst case scenario was there was holes

in other parts of the pipe further down the line

he said but that

right now appears to be highly unlikely

so he doesn’t know so

they said that is

worst case scenario

and if people online are saying that

that is the case

who knows we don’t know

it’s almost like a media

blackout like you’re

only allowed to get a certain amount of information

there’s people from

citizens radio

they put on

the jamie kilstein dude and allison kilkenny

they put on a bunch of

stuff on twitter where

all these people that live on the gulf

are accusing bp

of dumping sand onto oil that’s washed up on the beach

and they proved it they have

videos of it on youtube

where they’re showing the sand and they’re showing the

black shit that’s

underneath the sand

you know like they’re showing like

layers like they came here with trucks

and they dump sand on top of this oil instead of

cleaning the oil up

they’re like making it look like the oil

doesn’t exist wow

that’s fucking crazy shit

but you know they do that all the time putting sand and

rearranging sands on beaches that’s just a part of the

beach too you know

maybe it was just regular maintenance

not if they

cover all the oil

that doesn’t make any

sense no no they have i mean they

bring in sand to beaches they fucking rake beaches

every morning at some point

having a place but

brian that’s a lot of sand

i’m just saying the other

side you know

you know there’s no proof that

they fucking really bring

in sand to a whole

coastline when have they

ever done that

dude have they ever gone

miles and miles down the

beach they do it

daily they do it

daily it’s called

maintaining

beaches beaches

some beaches

mostly public beaches they do that all the time

so they just

drive up with

trucks filled with

sand they redo beaches all the time

right but what do they do do they actually

bring sand every day they

replace sand from the

back of the

you know to the top

front you know to keep to the

beach going i

think we need to google this

are they rotating the sand

i think we need to google this why don’t you

google just

google bp covering oil with sand

and see if we

could find that

article and see what it says exactly because we’re

starting to

delve into the

world of we

don’t know what the fuck we’re talking about

but anyway the bottom line is this is a

giant fucking disaster

it’s a scary one man

i’m not saying that scientists

should stop working

on the higgs boston particle and stop working on the

large hadron collider

i mean i think

the whole i

think you should be able to do whatever

the fuck you want to do i’m not contributing to society

these guys are

is it gonna fuck up cancun

it could fuck up cancun

the oil spill

yeah i mean there’s out

alger you know they’re saying that they did it

i just did a porky pig there

there’s some sort of

microbes that they

yeah they’re saying this the allegations

there’s some sort

of microbe that they’ve developed that consumes oil

and you can

pour it on top of the oil and it actually eats the oil

i wonder if they

could do it on that kind of a

scale though

maybe it would take over

it would become some

giant fucking blob and eat in new york

you know once it gets hungry for oil runs out oil

and it starts eating tires and shit

you just need to dump some vinegar in the

ocean and let it

push it yourself

i mean aren’t tires tires are made out of oil

right isn’t it

yeah tires are made out of yeah i

think so me

petroleum tires yeah

you need oil for mostly can’t you imagine

if there’s a fucking disease like a microbe that

started eating people’s tires

and somehow another got over here from the golf efforts

if they poured this

stuff into the ocean

and some of it got out and they started

throwing on the streets of new york and

started eating people’s cars

eat your tires and shit

eat your sneakers you can’t walk in it

becomes a goddamn epidemic

we have to change over to hemp

hemp everything

that could really happen so

what’s the problem with

what’s the problem with

drinking bottled water

well there’s a lot of people that

think that it’s wasteful

and a lot of people that

think that you use up so much

in the construction of a bottle of

water and then the recycling is only so efficient

and you’re constantly contributing to this

equological

ecological disaster we have

right now with recyclables and plastics and

you know all the shit that’s in the ocean

right now is

the recycle

business a fucking scam now is that what they’re saying

well penn and

tell you the

thing about

recycling the

bullshit incredible

i think penn and

tell you the

whole episode of bullshit on it

really yeah i don’t

remember the results though you know there’s sometimes

where you just gotta sing

obviously recycling is not a scam you

know have penn

and teller ever done an episode

of bullshit no

have penn and

teller ever done an episode of bullshit

where they decided

something isn’t bullshit when they were done

no they wouldn’t do that episode

you think so oh i don’t know

they should you know i

think they do they don’t he doesn’t

smoke no no no

no no we smoke we don’t

think they do

every now and then you gotta

you gotta mix it up yeah

they did an episode on martial arts man saying that

martial arts lessons

for the money

save you’d be better off just giving it to the mugger

by not taking them if you the

money you save by not taking martial arts lessons

you’d be better off just i mean they have to find that

conclusion they have to find the yeah that’s

retarded but that’s the dumbest

the dumbest

you already

know he doesn’t have an open mind that’s

not only that’s

not all bullshit

that’s someone who’s

never worked out you don’t

understand the benefits the clarity but

he’s tall as

fuck though

right he’s a

great guy i love that dude

somebody asked

adam on who

would win factor

i had him on fear factor

or i had him on he was on with

with teller

and i became buddies with them became

email buddies came to the comedy

store a few times and i hung out with him and did his

radio show a couple times to in

those moon hoax

debates but he’s a

great guy somebody

asked me the

other day who

would win between you two in a

fight and i immediately see i

said eddie because i know he

could he’s tapped you know you

fucking 12 years old

who would win in a

fight no no

but this is

kind of going along

the bullshit

mma question

and because you know that’s another

thing what they’re

saying is you know like if you do certain

mma’s it’s not

gonna if we

did a straight

jiu jitsu match

you kick my ass

right taps me all the time i

never even come

close to tapping in a real fight joey

kick my ass

see that’s what i said originally i said

heady but then i was like wait no no wait joe

could like you know

punch him my

standards my

kickboxing is probably better than my jiu jitsu

you know i don’t really do it anymore

i did karate

for a year don’t

don’t forget

about that you always forget about that

just but if we were the same size too

i’m like 30

pounds heavier than it

was yeah we’re the

same size shit

just can’t swallow

yeah so anyway so that is a

thing though like if you’re in a bar fight and

you know jiu

jitsu is two

people percent of

bar fights zoo hit two

first that’s 90

you know just 90

of avoiding bar

fights is don’t go to shitty bars

don’t hang out with douchebags get away when you see

things are going bad

right when people

start acting douchey you see it coming it’s

in the air you

smell it defensive

drive be nice

to people be careful you see

creep stay away there’s nothing

worse than drunk

motherfucking dudes who’ve been rejected all night

the club yeah

some guys get

drunk they hate

the world man

so aggro man because

chicks just rejected him all night

and then they see you with your girl and there’s like

three of them

and they just can’t fucking they can’t help

themselves and they can’t help being disrespectful too

it’s all so

unnecessary man it’s so fucking hard for people to get

their shit together

so hard there’s so many dickheads out there the

thing the bottom line is that we were saying

about martial arts

it’s not even

about learning how to

fight it’s that’s you’re rarely

gonna use that if it was just

about learning how to fight

like man how

often does it even come up you know you’re

just preparing for something that probably if you’re

a smart person will

never happen to you in your life

you got a shitload of benefits from it it’s like

when you play

chess you don’t just play

chess to learn how to

finish this one game and win

you play chess to

learn the strategy and to become involved in

long term planning out of

any sort of a situation you can apply

chess to your life

and the same

thing as jiu jitsu

same thing as any kind of martial

art you get better at anything

that’s really difficult and it makes you

better at everything else you do as well like jumping

yeah everybody jujutsu helps your

music and your music helps you jujutsu

i was talking

about your seminars before you answer that question

where are they

okay i got a couple seminars coming up

i got omaha

nebraska ten planet omaha

in not this saturday but next saturday

and then i’m going to be at

the very next saturday july 31st

i’ll be at the future home of 10th planet charlotte

for all the

information just go to 10th planet jj com and that’s

where they can order all

your dvds and books you go to 10th

planet jj com go on the forum

the new bureau

forum and all the

information just you

know look for the

charlotte or the omaha

seminar and they’ll be a flyer up and you’re all good

now don’t you

think that jiu

jitsu helps your

music and music helps you

jiu jitsu don’t you

think that anytime

you like you get

great at anything in your life that enhances all the

other things in your life

yes definitely

but with jujitsu you see constantly

with jujitsu

you see yourself

as a total retard with a certain move

and then you see

yourself practice and get good and then you master it

and you constantly see that with all

these different moves jiu jitsu

so gigantic

there’s a million different

you need three lifetimes

to master the

whole game of jujitsu

i mean i’ve been

doing jujutsu 16 years i got a lot of holes in my game

but i’m good at the

stuff that i focused on

and the stuff i

focused on and put the numbers and the reps

you see that constant so you see that

our bodies are magical

we have two people

inside of us the conscious person and the

unconscious

person and you

wanna train

the conscious person so much

that that unconscious person the other dude

you’ve done it so much that he’s

gonna do it all then you become the

executive producer

like when someone’s

shredding on piano

they’re not calling

out the commands like this key that key that key

they did that in the beginning

but after a

while it’s like you’re

executive producing you have a song in your head

you look down you look in a certain area

and bam that person inside of you does it like

magic so once you see it in jiu jitsu

over and over

you realize

that our bodies are magical

they don’t work not just for jiu jitsu

but for anything if you decided to play

tennis guess what

the longer you play tennis

the longer you put the

hours in it

the better you get at

most people don’t see that most people

don’t have any confidence

in themselves whatsoever with anything they

think they can’t do that they

think that’ll

never happen

you can actually

do anything you really can you’ll get good at anything

if you focus on it

you put the

numbers you put the reps that’s what it’s all

about the only

thing that’s different between me and a

white belt in jiu jitsu

is the number

of reps that i’ve put in with

my certain style you know

and jiu jitsu

you realize that and it

brings your

whole other life up because

in other aspects of your life your day job or

your long term goal your

dream you’ll realize

damn all i gotta do is put the numbers in

whatever direct it is

it definitely jujutsu

definitely shows you in any

martial art any difficult endeavor shows you what your

what your potential is and how you can

expand your potential as a

human being

but what it

doesn’t give you

is creativity

creativity is a totally different

thing that’s attached to ambition and to

focus and intensity

there’s something

about creativity that comes from a very pure

place and you

could be a hard worker all you want

but you might not

necessarily

be able to tap into the well of creativity

you know what i’m talking

about for sure you

gotta be born with it but you’re pretty creative

with your moves in

jiu jitsu so that isn’t there like

wouldn’t there be that

creativity oh

sure it’d be different jujutsu is

an art jujutsu

is an art i mean martial arts are arts

you know muay thai

is an art there’s an

art too like whenever i say like i’m doing commentary

and i’ll say

look at this beautiful combination

it is beautiful to me i’m not just saying it

that’s an art form that’s just

to me that’s a

painting that’s

an incredible dance

that’s a work

a masterpiece

like my favorite is

when anderson

silva finished off rich

franklin in the

second fight

there’s a fucking combination

where like nine out of 10 shots land

and he’s landing

punches and knees to the

body and he’s mixing them up and it’s fucking poetry

it’s ballet

you know that’s an artist doing that man

jujitsu is even more

creative than that because there’s so many more moves

with kickboxing

and wrestling and whatever

there’s take downs and there’s

controls and there’s a lot of different reversals and

stuff like that

with jiu jitsu

just the paths to the

submissions

the tree has so many

branches and there’s so many different ways to approach

each aspect of the game from the bottom from the top

so many different

sweeps and reversals and

so many different half

guard techniques and full

guard techniques it’s impossible to come to an end

you know it’s out of control and my

jiu jitsu and my music

it’s so parallel in so many ways it’s like

in jiu jitsu

i am not an athlete

i’m not explosive

i am not powerful

i can’t run fast

i can’t jump high

i am not an athlete

never was even when i

wrestled in high

school for a couple years

i got away on tricks

that i had to

think my way

past the athletes and

just to be able to hang with the real serious athletes

i’m not an athlete

same thing with my

music i am not a

virtuoso at any instrument

i don’t shred on anything

i just put it all together

you know and

it’s it’s a strange parallel that

you know but it’s

creativity because your

jujutsu is a very

creative jujutsu too the most creative in my opinion

and you know we’re

friends and i’m not supposed to say that because it

sounds like

oh that’s bullshit but it is

if i was just

a jujutsu analyst i

would say well here’s a guy who’s

i mean there’s

a lot of creative guys you know shembry’s creative you

know so many different guys are creative

but as far as like putting it together in a system

of all these

weird different positions and 90

of them you’ve invented and the ones you

haven’t you

know you credit all the different

individuals that contributed to whatever move

that’s an unusual

thing man that’s an incredibly prolific

career of just creating

jiu jitsu and putting it down i mean

very few human beings have ever done that

you look at your

system you look at your

system i mean and all the different

techniques that you’ve

added to you know to the whole nogi game

it’s a lot of goddamn techniques you know what

my i think my strongest

point is that

i don’t like

being raised with

just you know the

terrible household i mean with my stepdad

and my real dad and no one care

and then constantly

watching tv with sitcoms where everything

is just perfect i just

never believed

anything i thought everyone was bullshit me so

the same thing when i came into martial arts

i’m not loyal to any martial

art i don’t care

and growing up listening to

bruce lee and listening to what he had to say

about opening your mind and

don’t follow one style

i was really

influenced by

bruce lee and he was

right to me

cause my family was just not

it was not growing pains my family was not the brady

bunch it was terrible so

i just questioned

everything so as soon as karate

its karate seemed good i

started with karate

susans that didn’t pan out i saw

jiu jitsu i was gone

i don’t give a shit

about karate

i went to jiu jitsu

and as soon as i saw

the jiu jitsu

started becoming

what they were

claiming the traditional martial arts were

becoming just

brazilian jiu

jitsu became

close minded

and i was like i’m not

gonna keep in

some circles

yes yes exactly exactly

some guys are a lot really open minded yeah

generally generally 99

of the brazilian

jiu jitsu community

thinks tenth planet

jiu jitsu is mythical generally

but there are some people you know not everybody

but does that

frustrate the shit out

of you or what what does that feel like when you’ve got

you know all

these guys vinny magales

all these like high

level guys george sodoropolis you

know they go fucking

crazy for it and

they totally

fully believe in the system

then you got

other guys that are like saying oh

you didn’t invent that or we’ve been doing that

what do you think

about that i love it man i love the

stronger the resistance the longer it takes

for 10 planet to become

become you know

not mythical

as long the longer it takes the better it’s just

gonna be sweeter at

the end i love it i love the if there was no resistance

to my philosophies

and let’s say in 2003

have i when i decided not to

teach with the gee i decided to open up a

school no gee

and and let’s say

helio gracie back then and cotylinhos

if they said you know what

this american

is making a point

the reason why

jiu jitsu isn’t doing that good in

mma anymore

is the gi all

right everybody is

ordered to start

teaching without the gi

if they just all jumped on with me

cause i was doing this for

jiu jitsu i wasn’t doing it

to battle against the

brazilian jujitsu i was doing it for jujitsu i’m like

mma that was

doing it because that’s what you believe

i mean you’re doing it because i

was a big jiu

jitsu was in my heart

jiu jitsu as i was doing it for

jiu jitsu i was like let’s

bring jiu jitsu

back in mma

we gotta get rid of the geese

if everyone

would have agreed with me back then

first of all the

state of no

gee jiu jitsu would be

out of this

world it would be

crazy if everybody joined in and

just not me and my association if we all just agreed

and you know

there would be

you know 500 guys just like a lot of people listen

to this podcast have no fucking idea what we’re talking

about so let me just explain there’s

a whole different two different types of jiu

jitsu with a kimono or a gi

you know it’s like that karate

uniform on and a lot of guys do that

and there’s jiu jitsu

that you use no gi

and there’s a big

thing called the abu dhabi

world championships and

that’s where all the best

no gi guys in the

world fight

and the no gi

style is what you’re

gonna see in

mma because when you see guys use a gi all the time

they’re grabbing the gi

and they get used to controlling

their opponent with the gi

then when they have to

fight into the octagon

they have no

gi to hold on to and a lot of them look lost

and that’s responsible for a lot of the

early ufc fights

having really good

jiu jitsu guys but they couldn’t do shit when they fell

their back they couldn’t do

anything in certain positions they were used to handles

yeah they were used to handles now eddie

devised a whole

system entirely

based on no gee he abandoned the gee

and when he

started teaching he just went

total like mma

style does he give

you all the gees that he’s abandoned because you have a

whole closet for

right there by them bitches they

have think if you wear them to

500 geese and i don’t even wear the gee anymore

what was the question we’re talking

about we’re just talking

about jiu jitsu being

frustrated that you don’t get the

credit that you deserve

i like it man i love

him i love what’s

going on right now man well you know what is that a

green burst

why even worry

about that right just

cause i love

doing the good

stuff i love i love

everyday man

i realized and it would if

i didn’t really think

about it like

maybe five six years ago

it did bother me it did bother me that

you know when i decided to

open up a school without a geek

for jiu jitsu

the people that i was doing it for they turn

their back on me and

they made me

out to be like this traitor

it’s interesting i’m a traitor and i’m like

no i’m doing

this for us man it’s interesting when we’re talking

about how growing up in a shitty household

that when you have

this fucked up family life and then you see bullshit on

television how it makes you question

everything you’re forced to question everything

i had the exact same

experience my

life was not nearly as shitty as yours but

there was a lot of problems one my dad was

super violent

used to beat my mom and i saw it when i was a

young kid i saw it when i was like five

and i’ll never forget that shit i’ll

never forget

thinking that my dad was like my hero i thought

my dad was like this cool guy

and i saw my dad

smack my mother in the face over nothing and

dropped her

right in the kitchen

floor and i went running into the room to hide

and i’ll never forget

thinking at that moment in time

i can’t trust

anybody they

might all be fucking

crazy everybody’s wrong

i knew there was no reason

this is what my mom went to

go get something

for dinner and she came back home with hamburger

and that’s why he hit her

he was like hamburger and he fucking

smacked her in the face

and so from that moment on like

literally i’ve

questioned everything

that’s what made me become a

stand up comedian

people say oh were you a

class clown

i mean i said

funny shit every now and then in

class but what i

really was was a

class questioner

you know i was the

class guy the guy

would go why are you even saying that that

doesn’t make any

sense what about this you know

i was the guy

would get in trouble

for asking questions oh that was me too man yeah

if it all depended on the

teacher if the

teacher was weak and she had a

big heart i

crushed i was the

loudest always causing disruptions

but if mr enders

he didn’t give a fuck

so i was quiet as hell

i remember this girl told me

which you’re so

quiet in here

but in miss aspen’s class

you’re out of control

dude i gave her a

nerve i gave two

teachers a nervous

breakdown miss

franklin in the eighth

grade and in the

tenth grade

miss aspen i feel really bad

about them well i was

proud of it back then and um i

i wouldn’t be

proud of it now if i

got on a time machine and i went back i

would feel really bad that happened so long ago

i think she

might be all right i

got kicked out of

school for drawing cartoons of

teachers i would

draw cartoons of

teachers fucking

and like it really looked like them you know and

i drew this one spanish

teacher she

i had her without her makeup

i drew her with

she’d wear a

ton of makeup

so i do with

her makeup and then i drew one without her makeup

and i got expelled or got

suspended rather i got kicked

out of school

i remember like real

clearly though like the

first laugh i ever got

was like the

first time i was like wow that was kind of cool

was in a math

class where a

teacher was

upset at me

this teacher she had this really strong

urban accent

quote unquote

and she was this math

teacher and she was like really

just like just

aggressively cunty

i just didn’t like her i didn’t like her class

and i was talking

apparently and she goes mr rogan

since you know everything

would you like to come up here and do both of

these problems for this

class so i go

would you like me to do both of them problems

and the whole

place fell the fuck out like dudes just

started laughing and slapping tables

and she goes go ahead

laugh at mr rogan mr rogan is

going nowhere in life

and she she suspended me

she sent me to dean

thomas they suspended me

for fucking just

i mean come on man you’re teaching

math you don’t even know how to talk

english this is nonsense this is a dumb conversation i

would shoot spitwads and ms

franklin said

she had a big buffon hairdo

and we would

shoot spitpods we

would do some terrible stuff

i was terrible when i was

bored when i was

bored i just

did not want to pay attention i didn’t give a fuck

i wouldn’t fuck around in guys

classes though i’m

like i’m like i’m not

mr read my sixth

grade algebra

teacher mr fucking read

it was me bobby joyce and this

this cambodian

chick named pua mua

right puma was it was

if we laughed he

would get really mad so it was hard me and

bobby just go

a bobby joyce

and go here

uh edgar bravo okay

uh puamua you

say pua mua

that black voice dude

it was hard to contain i’ll

never forget pua

mua that’s a

just some something

about schools man when you really it’s not just

learning shit you’re you’re

going in there in this

intense environment it’s like preparing you for work

you’re getting prepared for

intense social

environments doing shit you don’t want to do around a

bunch of people

you don’t want to be around forced into a room together

you know and

it’s incredible that we put so little

effort into making sure

teachers are good

i mean it’s really amazing they

should get paid

about the same as doctors of some sort

at least family doctors

everybody agrees to that everybody but

nothing’s happening no one’s doing anything about

everybody agrees on it

you know what’d be cool why is make pot legal

and have like

ten percent of pot go to pay

teachers how

about that or they

should just charge money for

school that’s what i

think nobody

would go to school

with that man

people can people are barely getting by

especially people with kids

they’re barely getting by you can’t make them pay for

school it’s just incredible that we have all this

money for fucking relief to israel and all this

money for the afghan war and iraqi war we got all this

money but we don’t have enough

money for fucking teachers

that’s incredible

that we care so much

about our future

that we want to deal with the problems that we have

right now and

spend every fucking dollar we have

throwing money at it

but we don’t want to look at the

foundation of what

causes fucking problems in our own country

what causes so much

crime what causes so much

civil disarese

school so many retards so many

dummies school

should have some kind of profit

though you know

some kind of

like advertising you know like have banner ads

or you know

they need to update the

school system probably like overhaul

and changes it’s not

weird that it’s

free to make

it fun isn’t it

weird that it’s actually no it’s not

weird cause you’re paying

taxes for it man

what if there was like reality

shows based on

third graders

you know man

it needs to be fun for kids

that’s where kids

learn kids learn when it’s fun

everything is not supposed to be boring

everything is not supposed to suck

that’s not natural

and the reason why kids hate it

is because it feels like shit

it’s not fun

there’s got to be a way to make

becoming enlightened

becoming educated becoming

having your life enriched with new information that

should be fun for kids and positive

the fact that we set them up with fucking shitty

teachers in shitty

schools and

under motivated people

that can’t control people like

eddie in their class

you know just old

ladies i’ll kill an old lady but dudes

i had this one dude mr

white mr white was a vietnam

vet and always wanted to tell us about it

always want to tell us

about vietnam and

you would always snap

like if you ask for a pencil one time we

asked for a pencil some dude asked for a pencil

mr white pulls out his desk drawer

throws it across the

floor filled with pencils and shit hurls this shit

he goes go get a pencil

go pick up a pencil

and the kid got up

grabbed pencil

went back and

sit down nobody said a fuck a word for the rest of

class were like this dude just

threw a drawer

filled with pencils

like are you allowed to do that today

that part guy

would probably be in jail well

i used to have a

teacher like i

would always

sleep in class and he

would come and

full on soccer kick the bottom of the the

table so you

bam you know the

fucking it would

wake you up and

scare the fuck out of you at the same time it was the

worst and it fucking hurt it

was it was like that much

desk in between him kicking me in the fucking head

how rude what a rude

man mr allen

jason allen’s dad

wrestler when a spitwad lady

she had a nervous

breakdown and we brought in a substitute

teacher big buff dude he was

gonna come in

and he heard

about me i wasn’t

gonna fuck with them but i

still make the

class laugh he

would actually make me

stand in a corner if i do

i wouldn’t do anything i was just

standing there

and people were

laughing cause

like my face

wait a minute he made you

stand in a corner but you didn’t do anything

to be made to

stand in the corner

little things

with my face like i wasn’t like no man how’d you get

stuck in the corner

i don’t remember but i do remember being in the corner

and just like really being into the wall

like i was staring at the wall that

people were

still laughing and that guy said fuck this

class cause he couldn’t really do anything to me

cause i wasn’t saying anything i was just

standing and everybody was

watching me

no matter what i did

he just went insane too

wow what a nightmare yeah yeah it was

crazy man and you got a lot of pleasure out of that

right i loved it

we would turn off the

lights you would have the

crazy thing is

how come you

never became a comedian

well i did do it a little bit and i realized

you tried it nine times how

come you didn’t keep

going because i realized that

just like jiu jitsu

just like surfing

just like mountain biking

that if you want to get really good at it

you have to

spend a lot of time

crafting it and putting together

a 10 minute set a 15 minute set

and then i realized wow

you can’t this isn’t something you

could just get up on

stage and you’re a bad

motherfucker

you have to carefully

craft it practice it go up

do all these open mics

you gotta you

know it’s an art

and i realized man i don’t have time for another art

like i would like to

learn how to surf

i don’t have time for it

i would like to

learn how to motocross like with the

motorcycles and jumping dirt

things and all that shit

i would love that but

i don’t have

there’s not enough time in the day yet

so i decided you know what

the best move is to

just fucking focus on jiu jitsu and

music and that’s it man i got i got a i can’t be

spreading myself then todd

white told me that he goes dude you’re

spreading yourself then dude

that’s not good focus

and i’m like you know what i got and plus it sucked

big gigantic

donkey balls buffalo balls

to bomb on stage

like at least half the time i bombed

i was just like too nervous man i was just

super nervous i went up there and it was just death

i’ll never forget

the worst time i bombed i came off

joe cause i was joe’s project

and like joe had shit writing on me because he was

having me cut in line

at sunday night open mic night when there’s like

50 people waiting in line all day

joe would just say put them on

right before me

like i would cut in and the comedians

are going that’s

fucking bullshit but joe was running the comedy

store so they

would just put me in

no experience ever

i’d go on stage

and a couple of times

i did all right joe came and goes all

right dude that

was pretty good dude that was pretty good

i like what you said

about that i like what you said

about that now

let’s do this now cut that out edit this out

the worst bombing i came out joe said

all right come here follow me

so he takes his fucking back

and like i could see him

thinking like how we

gonna do this

cause it was

like he had a safe face too like it was for him

you know and

it was really bad it was like the stripper

like it was like

i didn’t even tell jokes i just went on

stage like i was just

obsessed like i don’t know you

had some good some bits you had some bits

the one that

the two that i had that did the best was when i talked

about when i had sex with the one

one girl in a rag

yeah in the

total darkness

when i turned on the light

it was just

blood everywhere

that was alright people were

kinda into that a little bit

and then the

other one was

about my dad the very

first time i went up that’s gave me the confidence

first time i went up i talked

about my dad and what the dick he was or something

and i got a couple

laughs and i was like damn

oh my god i

think i could do this oh shit i

think i could do this fuck that comedy

store open mic

night there’s

an air of sad and pathetic there’s like

a vibe in the air that’s very difficult to cut through

and especially during

those open mic night sets

it’s like you

don’t even really know what comedy is when you’re doing

those because you’re doing them for

these weird

crowds that have only seen people

eat shit for fucking the last hour and a half they

haven’t seen

anybody any good yeah

i mean that’s how it is in the beginning open mic

nights they’re terrible

i was terrible in the beginning

everyone’s terrible in the beginning and you’re

going you know there’s five six

seven terrible people in a row

it’s weird those kind of shows are so weird

i had to make

a choice man that was the last time i was on

stage was the comedy

store sunday night and

i don’t know

after i got off i was like you know what i’m just

i don’t like you said i need

to put way more energy

into this and

i’m not spending

three hours that night

otherwise it’s not

gonna be fun

yeah well i think

it’s one of

those things it has to be a big

focus in your life

you can’t i mean even when i’ve put it on the side even

while i’ve been doing it for so long

you know like when i was doing news radio

for a long time

i was not writing anything new i was not putting much

effort in the comedy at all i wasn’t

excited about it

i was like all of a

sudden i was on this tv show

and i was like you know i’m

going wow i

guess i’m doing tv shows now you know

and i’m just

still gonna kind of do

stand up just to keep it you know that’s my base that’s

where i started

but i wasn’t passionate

about it so for like

a good solid two years i just didn’t

write much i went on

stage and then i bombed a couple times man

and i had some

people come to see me and i had a bad set

and i realized

i’m like you know i am not putting a lot of

effort into this like this is like some

weird shit where i’m like

i’m doing comedy like

recreationally

every now and then but i’m

known as a comedian so i’m

going up and

i’m not having good

sense they’re not tight and so

i totally rededicated this is like

right before my first

album in 1999

and like 96 97 i had some

those are the years like 96 97

where i was barely doing comedy

i go up i do a set

every now and then but i didn’t give a shit about it

it’s not even that i didn’t give a shit

about it i was just so

caught up with the fact that i was on a

television show and that’s

where all my

effort was going to

was what was one of the

first jokes you remember

the oldest one bad or good

oh they’re all terrible come on i remember one

um i remember a bad one about um

this is my impression

of a good looking girl getting pulled over by a cop

do you realize how fast you’re going

no do you like my

tits yes i do

here’s a warning

i like the ending yeah

yes i do here’s a warning

that was one of my

earliest bits

oh shit one of my

other earliest pits was

julia child getting

eaten out by a raccoon

that was like open like day two

oh shit oh oh

lovely lovely little friend oh

so stupid i love that it’s so dumb

it’s just silly

this is the shit that i

would think was funny when i was 21 you know

this is where it all came from and you know what’s

funny too is

one another

major factor was

it was always running through my hands like how can i

ever be as good as joe

you know we were

talking about we had the same we would if i if

put some time into we

would end up being kind of like the

we talk about the same things

and you were just so good you know you

still are i mean you’re fucking amazing

it was just

like how the fuck can i ever get that good i just

gotta focus

on it no you

could have done it

anybody can do it it’s if you’re

funny if you’re good at comedy

and you’re objective and

you have a lot of time

and you have to be objective

and you have to

just focus on it just make it something

that you concentrate on you know what helps me the most

is listening to myself and listening to tapes and

evaluating so important all that

stuff so important you

could do it anybody

could do it all

you have to do is just do it it’s just like jiu jitsu

all you have

to do is just put the energy into it put the

effort into it you’d figure it out and not having a

girlfriend or boyfriend

a boyfriend

if you’re a girl

if you’re a girl there’s a girl

here i know

if you’re talking

about comics

all men here so

talking about

comics i don’t

necessarily

think that’s true i

think everybody’s got

their own different situation and sometimes

it’s good to have a

girlfriend because then you feel

like you have comfort you know i know a lot of due to

you know the world of

stand up comedy is like you know it’s fucking

scary to them

you’re out there

on your own trying to make it trying to

having someone

that you live with that supports you to a lot

of people that gives them energy and strength you know

so a lot of people like they do way better having a

girlfriend or being

married everybody’s got

their own thing

but if you have a

girlfriend she’s gotta be

understanding that you

spend all these time all this

time at the clubs you have to be constantly working

almost every

night you have to be out doing it

especially in the beginning

that will kill the relationship

kills your social life and that’s material

right there kills

your social life

but then your social life becomes like the comedy club

world which is when dudes

start cannibalizing it’s what i call

cannibalizing is when

a male comedian

starts dating a female comedian

they become cannibals

start eating

their own yeah

as soon as you

start doing that you’re fucked right

how many guys have pulled that off there’s like three

tommy segura and his wife are both hilarious and cool

that’s that one works but

other than that hmm

that shit don’t work

son my friend was telling me

about when he

broke up with his

girlfriend that

she’s on she’s on a tv show like a popular tv show

and that like one day he was feeling so down and his

he comes to his

apartment his neighbors watching

twenty four don’t say the name of the show

well there’s a lot of

girls there’s only two girls on the

whole show well that’s

game now but like how like

they had their windows

open and he was just like walking up to his door and

suddenly he

heard his ex

voice or whatever

like voice just

haunting him ever there’s

billboards when he’s driving around and it was like

that kind of sucks living in the city to the

to one point like i only want

to date gaffers and key grips now you know because i

i don’t wanna like date an actress

and have her make it big and then have her fucking

everywhere i go you know

i’m already

having problems on like being at the airport

right now you know and seeing whoa look who it is

lindsay lohan

you know but

you know i’m talking

about how high

is this motherfucker

he’s just i see

i see what you see

you see what i’m saying

yeah yeah yeah you

definitely it’s very

true your exes

you date angelina jolie and she

breaks up with

you and then she’s on the

cover of people

magazine fucking some new dude you like whoa

like that shits at the airport it’s rough

yeah yeah no

key grips i just think that

one of the reasons why i

think comics

should not date

comics why i call it cannibalism is because

they’re too much like you

you know i don’t

think that’s how a relationship works out well i

think relationships work out well when you’re different

when you’re different you enjoy each

other’s company but

you’re different you’re two totally different things

when you’re both trying to make it as a comic man

fucking good luck good luck with the balance

of needing this there you

know and i’m not saying i’m a picnic i’m not saying any

comics a picnic i’m saying a

comic and a

comic together that’s like two magnets

you know i mean

maybe it’ll work i mean i

would never say it

wouldn’t work your situation

could be totally different than mine

especially when you’re a

comic that you’re in the la

comic scenes pretty tight so when you

break up you’re fucking

in shows with your ex well

that’s what our problem with our friends we have

two we have two friends and one friend

broke up with this girl or

should i say the girl

broke up with him

and he was very

upset by this it was a devastating

break up and

right afterwards

our friend a very good friend

starts dating this chick

yeah and it got really creepy

but ask permission

first got permission to fucker

which i think is the most hilarious thing ever

fucker just don’t date her

like you can’t say that

first of all

i don’t think you can tell anybody what to do

the guy chose his own medicine

and so you know

and for the guy

the guy who

wound up dating this girl

who was his friend’s ex girlfriend

you know for him it’s like well here’s

this perfect person for me and what i’m supposed to

you know i’m supposed to let this go just cause some

other asshole can’t get over the fact that you

know come on man get over it dude

you and her didn’t have a

thing together but i’m in love with her

i’m gonna spend the rest of my life with her

now i can’t because you got hurt feelings fuck you

so i can see his

point of view too

but not me i

could never do it i would

not no that’s to me that there’s other

women out there i don’t care how

cool she is you

gotta respect

the feelings

you wanna hurt your fucking friend

you wanna hurt your friend over some pussy

especially they were good friends too

i looked at

every girl that used to date one of my friends as a guy

yeah you only rape them

that’s it rape them no relationships

could only be a one

night stand

only in the butt

no you gotta you

gotta say that’s off

limits forever there’s a lot of

human beings

in this life you don’t want to make someone

upset for no reason like that

you could avoid that shit

the problem is people can decide that this is the one

he’s the one you know

especially if they can’t have you

bitches man bitches

what is what

do you think

celebrities

celebrity marriages

have end up in divorce at the same rate as just regular

marriages no

way way more you

think so oh for sure

people in this city period

that shit son

let’s find out but i

would say yeah for sure those

crazy assholes

how many mel gibson’s out there can keep a fucking

marriage together

how how did mel gibson’s wife stay

with his ass for so long that’s what i want to know

hollywood marriages

money is that what it is

and he’s not

gibson man how do you

break up with

braveheart you know

with a billion dollars

crazy as fuck

uh yeah whatever what do you find in

it just says duh duh no just kidding no it

doesn’t i haven’t found it it’s that’s kind of a hard

well how can you even judge

i mean it just sent bright percentage of celebrities

break up as opposed to percentage of civilians

but isn’t it weird how like like

the biggest players of all end up

like rock stars and

super actors and all that shit

it’s like they always end up marrying

and settling down with another celebrity it’s like the

bitch has gotta be a celebrity

or it’s not good enough

right well i think it’s because

first of all they get

sucked up into that world

where that’s who

you’re hanging around with all the time and there’s an

extra charge you know

if you’re dating some

chick and she’s on the

cover of sports illustrated

like holy shit there’s like an extra

jolt to that

that people find

attractive especially people who are in that

whole celebrity world

especially guys that can get any normal non celebrity

chick and then like a celebrity chick

it’s the same

thing with like hot chicks

look at celebrity dudes way differently

than just regular dudes that’s for damn sure i mean

routers are saying that 50 percent

while nearly 50 percent of

hollywood marriage

regular marriages

fail that 70

of hollywood marriages

yeah that makes

sense yeah it’s the

whole idea behind it is look

all celebrity is is some

crazy trick

you are tricked into

thinking that someone else is special

especially if it’s celebrity

just for celebrity

just for the sake of celebrity

actors and stuff like that

i mean there’s

actors that you respect because they’re talented but

it’s not like an author

there’s a celebrity author

someone whose work has

really profoundly affected you

there’s something

there’s some sort of a special

connection to that where

you have this love for this guy because of what

he’s produced like wow you produce some amazing stuff

but there’s a lot of people that are

famous just because they got on a show

and then they’re

just like reading someone’s lines and they’re in a

movie and whatever it’s like

that’s a bizarre

bizarre life

you know that life

doesn’t make any

sense like you’re you’re

treated so much better than the average person

rose garden

everybody fucking loves you know rose bud rose

rosebud bush

rosebud i might

bury you in the rose bush

you talking

about orson wells

citizen kane no i’m talking

about mel gibson crazy fuck

what did he say i’ll

bury you in the rose garden is that what he said yeah

yeah but what i’m saying is that

your whole psychology gets fucking mangled

you know it

doesn’t make any

sense so the

world doesn’t make any sense

you don’t have the

right your character is wrong

your character as a

human being is

wrong because the amount of energy that you’re getting

for the amount of effort and

that you’re putting out is all out of balance

you know like

that’s one of the reasons why celebrities go fucking

crazy is cause they think the

world is crazy

how could the

world not be

crazy if you’re

kissing my ass and i’m driving a bentley

and i’m making millions of people are

screaming to see me

everywhere i go they’re taking

photos of me that’s

insane this

world is crazy

of course you’re

gonna become

crazy too but the

thing that happens that i notice is with artists

especially when they become like

super famous

there’s like a burst

where they can hang in there for a bit

they hang in there

for a few years and keep producing and then ultimately

they just get soft and it dwindles off almost

like to a person

almost to a person once

their celebrity

hits that super peak

they become big and famous

they can hang in there and produce for a few years

but then eventually

their creativity just dries up

i think it’s

their connection

to the universe

dries up that’s what i think i

think they lose appreciation

for life they become a douchebag

and then they just don’t have the

connection anymore that’s why all that’s

why all eyes are on the double rainbow guy right now

like a couple

months he’s

gonna be like

that fucking rainbow

shit you know

load up double rainbow there’s

a clip that

jimmy kimmel

twittered and

i watched it and it’s this dude who’s seen a rainbow

and his two rainbows

yeah he fought he had an

mma fight everyone’s seen that big fat guy and

he everyone’s seen what double rainbow yeah that

thing try it eddie hasn’t seen it what

i haven’t heard of it

are you fucking serious dude you can’t say everybody

three million hits out of

three hundred million people in this country

alone how many in europe and how many in asia

wow you can’t say everybody

anyway it’s fascinating

this guy just goes

crazy when he sees these rainbows

for whatever reason don’t do that that shit didn’t work

it was just that

video i wasn’t yeah

anyway this

double rainbow guy

on that no it’s on brian

brian’s it be cool

brian could play with you i

think you can

i just don’t know how to

do it do you know how to drag that shit into you stream

producer brian

not on youtube i

think you actually have to have the video so

oh really yeah

all right hold on here

i thought it can show a web page that you’re viewing

all right here we go

whoa

whoa whoa oh my god oh my god oh my god whoa

oh haha wow wow

yeah

this is just seeing a rainbow oh my god look at that

what he says it look like a triple rainbow

oh my god it’s full on

double rainbow all the way across the sky oh my god

he’s crying here by the way

he says it knocked him over

knocked him down he was at one

point and i started weeping

the energy from the rainbow knocked him down

what does this mean

what does it mean it means mushrooms work

what does it mean

oh my god it’s so bright and vivid

in his defense they are pretty awesome they’re awesome

yeah probably

the best rainbow i’ve ever seen i know but this guy

sounds like he’s

got a bag of leprechaun

gold in his hand while

christy brinkly sucking his dick just

yeah it looks

like there’s just a rainbow a gigantic

ufo like a hundred yards

above the surface or something

and they’re communicating

you know what’s even better than that is all the

music that has

been coming out and i was talking to my friend the

other day this

this song is so

great that i

would actually buy

the single off of

itunes and that is from some dude looking at a rainbow

explain what song you’re talking

about okay there’s a couple of

these songs that have come from this

video where

people have

song parody

right in this

video there’s one that is so good that i would

i mean that’s like well it’s

i don’t know

which one this is let’s see what this one damn

well this double rainbow dude

it’s an auto tune oh wow oh my god

oh wow

i like this auto tune rules

purple rainbow that’s a whole rainbow

wow this is good man

it sounds like one republic

haha oh my god

haha

that’s great

okay and then

there’s a there’s actually another one that takes a

whole different

approach that’s like kind of like tim and eric

style it no

no no we don’t hear

more double rainbow songs

was it kind of like scratching that

double double rainbow

you know it’s like a

whole different

i think that’s auto tune

you can’t fuck with that that’s the

do you really like auto tune songs though that

drives me nuts

i do not only

when brothers do it

it’s cool when

brothers do it but

a white guy in a rock

band can’t do it election man i like

that’s what i like

about biggie

notorious big

his it was all

about the inflection the way he

would talk and

rhyme and punctuate but

he’d never sang

it doesn’t matter it’s

even when they

sing if it’s auto tune and i really singing

i like little

wayne’s auto tune

stuff i admit yeah i like it

i still like it

like i can do it

being overused

but i mean there’s a lot of

music that uses it nowadays

that you know most of the time i

think it’s okay and it

sounds better than hearing britney

spears going

you know like without it you know

is that what she

sounds like yeah dude look

that double rainbow guy

sounded amazing can you imagine what britney

spears could sound like

she’s already

using it dude yeah you

could put a lot of shit together with that for sure it

just sounds

gross to me

it’s missing so much

i’ve been really getting into the

black keys lately

you listen to

black keys at all

yeah i downloaded all their

albums damn they got some good fucking songs man

i listened to them all the way to

ontario improv

every night this weekend

when i was doing shows there

every time i

drove up there i listened

to black keys

oh this weekend i’m at

before i forget

because i forgot to say at the beginning of the

show yeah that’s the

ticket i’m at the john lovett’s

comedy club saturday night

john lovett’s who’s my friend

that i never talked to

we did a season of news

radio he’s a good dude you

think he’s gonna come down

i doubt it i don’t

think he has anything to do with that

place really

oh he just hasn’t anything

it’s like just his name i don’t know though just

guessing yeah

yeah that’s it put my name up there see that is the

worst james cagney john

what was his character back in the day and saturday

night live again

that’s the ticket

we would lie and say that’s the ticket

right i can’t do any impressions

i fucking suck you just gotta use your voice

get on the horse

who’s that john wayne

he’s doing an impression of someone doing an

impression of peter fonda

peter fonda

jimmy stuart give me

i don’t know what you’re talking about do an impression

of someone that was

born after 1960

uh reshave here good

no no that was terrible it was terrible

he’s got already down good do it joe okay

a joke do an re joke

you like plugging i don’t like dating jewish women

this is see this this what i look like

this is what a jew looks like see this nose

these eyes that’s called a jew

you wonder what jewish women look like bam same thing

i don’t know i don’t know not that good

joey is way back mumble mumble

yeah the joey one i’ve got down over decades

i’ve only been making fun of ari i can’t

do an ari impression no one nobody

i bet you can i can’t i wish i

could i would be doing it

i can’t do shit i used to have a real good mike tyson

but i don’t anymore

mike tyson’s kind of easy right yeah yeah

yeah it’s you know that’s why i never really liked

impressionists

because there’s a trick and the

trick is you like oh shit he sounds just like that guy

and that makes anything

extra funny

it’s like it’s kind of entertaining

i could put some good material on top of it if i

could do dr steve brule

or at least i could a couple weeks ago

but i might have lost it come on i lost it come on

wait never mind i have to hear it no no no no do it

i’m dr steve bro hey you got some vinegar on your

driveway just put some vinegar on it to be

stupid that sounds like max eberly hey

you know you might be a loneliness friend but who cares

about all that dumb thing look at my dingus hey

you sound like that

jimmy the stand up comedian on

south pole hey put my dingus on there

all the girls want to see my dingus

puts it on i don’t even

know who first

of all i don’t know who you’re talking about who’s dr

steve burrow

dr steve bruh

john c reilly on

the tim and i oh okay

i’m sorry i’m

a little bit then i

sound a little bit hey

you know you guys

if you want to be with me you got to come over here

i’m doc just put some milk on it

get some table kick please

it’s not too bad

i kind of i

heard it would be way better

an impression

i kind of understand that you’re doing an

impression it’s not terrible

i’ll try harder

next time i’m rooting for you some dudes

just do all

impressions though

like when you see like someone’s act they do like all

impressions that

drives me fucking nuts yeah

i don’t want to see that

especially when like all of them

sound the same

and they’re only really good at the really ups

like oh this is pacino

yeah some cares about

you know who’s got

really good

impressions is jay moore

holy shit have you ever

heard is colin

quinn his colin

quinn is fucking brilliant

and his walk

ins really good too he’s got a really good walking

i used to be

oh i got one

impression but no one

would know it but

there was a german

thrash band in the 80s called creator they’re probably

still around

and they barely

spoken to english and

and like i’m not even

gonna do it it’s terrible

it’s terrible

well i’m sorry

it’s hard you

wanna do it yeah go

ahead man okay there’s

my favorite creator song is called

the pestilence okay

they don’t know any

english so there’s not too much banter in between songs

so here it comes

this one is the best of

lords that’s it

you just killed people’s eyes

what’s the deal with your

voice why was it so loud that was the pestilence

that’s all i

can do that’s a pretty goddamn good version of that

i have no idea

this one is the best

of luck that’s

eddie bravo

get it together cocksucker

eddie bravo you just blew my ears get it

together cocksucker you blew my fucking eardrums out

here i’m smoking a bone with the cat trying to

enjoy my off time

even dr j could

have helped me listening to a little fucking podcast

now i got crackles in my

speakers cocksucker

okay you know what we

could do we can do

since joey’s

not here with us he was supposed to be here with us

let’s talk about

ufc oakland

and you give us your

predictions joey karate

ufc oakland

chill son and

versus anderson

silva the spider

the spiders in the house

and chill sons got a can of

raid cocksucker

shits gonna get

crazy chill sons

gonna look for that double

double wide double leg whatever

look for that fucking take down

but the spiders got

those knees

motherfucker

he comes up with them

like oj simpson in that fucking hurts commercial

boom up with

those knees

he’s gonna he’s

gonna put a

record all made of henzo gracie

revenge enzo gracie

revenge cocksucker

ricardo are made a

student of the great henzo gracie

victim of matthews matthews

stand up performance leg kicks punches his first tko

standing in ufc history

but ricardo i made a big

dogs not hearing it bro big dogs back is back for more

big dog is gonna

start out with an inside leg kick

right to the balls on purpose

sorry much respect

he’s gonna take all the

fight out of the country

boy there’s your fucking country breakfast cocksucker

matt hughes with the fucking ground and

pound he’s the godfather of it respect

respect to the godfather

who else is on the card

big big country in junior dos santos respect the gut

big countries coming

dropping bombs on your mom’s fuck car alarms

big country is the best fat man

fighting in the ufc today

there’s no one even close what’s his

what’s his name that just knocked

that just knocked out tight todd duffy mike russell

mike russell

is a close second

but big countries right up in there

big country would have done it with the

first punch that’s a difference though

don’t let that fucking big

gi joe looking motherfucker beat on you for

three rounds land that punch early

learn respect

um roy nelson

junior dos santos though

any motherfucker willing to go outside with those ears

that’s a tough dude

that dude doesn’t give a fuck he’s got a

mouse living in his left ear

he feeds it it keeps them company in between rounds

he’s working on a fucking squirrel in his

right one you know what i’m saying

junior dos santos

let me tell you something febrezio

verdum’s ears are

still wiggling from the last time dos santos hit him

he hit him with that uppercut and he

started tuning into 97 one the ff

hawk station

he heard a he heard a system warning

and then alarm clock started

going off in his head all right

that’s how hard junior dos santos hits

who knows it’s the fat man against the banger with a

mouse living in his ears it’s a goddamn tarzan movie

angel’s got his wings

those bells are the angels

oh thiago alvez coming up against my man john fitch

the grinder comes out through the same johnny cash song

god’s gonna cut you down bitch

let me tell you something

tiago alva is gonna try to cut you down too

that motherfucker’s got glue in his

brain you hear what i’m saying somebody

stuck glue in his brain and he don’t give a fuck

he wants revenge

he’s a totally different animal from the

first time you guys met he wants revenge

but john fitch ain’t

hearing it john fitch is a different animal as well

he’s got his

black felt from dave camarillo

brazilian jiu

jitsu gorilla style

ready to take him down

grind it out

it’s a fucking battle

to the finish

ladies and gentlemen

tiago alvez leg kicks and john fitchwood

elbows to your fucking head

i’m getting

fired up where’s my

blood pressure

medication i’m

fired up just listen to this

so beautiful oh that was wonderful

for those of you that

don’t know we do

an mma review a ufc review and

a preview it’s called 10th planet kush

joey’s just the best no one can predict

fights better than

joey he’s the best it’s so entertaining the most

hilarious person i’ve ever met in my whole life

like just for hanging out with them

nobody’s funnier

on just a regular basis over everything

about everything about anything

he could read he

could just read a book you could pick up a book he

would just start reading it and be funny yeah

yeah i love that guy he can talk

about anything

you could have joey

and just you know turn on the news

here’s lindsay

lohan what do you think does this motherfucker

somebody did her proper and they would just go off

about lindsay

lohan and the jokes start flowing

the other day

me when you were on stage me and joey were way too

stoned so we were just sitting in the

green room looking at it

and then he’s like

let’s do a podcast

and i’m like what and he’s like do you got any

other recorders i’m like alright let’s do a podcast

so we’re gonna

we recorded 10 minutes

we’re just gonna

throw these podcasts anytime we’re together

it’s just called cats and it’s just me and him talking

about cats for ten

minutes beautiful

that’s beautiful man let me tell you

about captain samurai captain samurai

lives in my backyard

he’s got scratches on his face he looks like

bruce lee from

enter the dragon

remember when

he came out and the guy hit him with the claw

yeah that’s my cat

he’s got like nine cats

right check out

episode he actually has nine cats too outside oh

tell people how to

what is it just

called tenth

planet kush

tenth planet

kush and go to episode 15 and 16

those are joey

at his best 15 and 16 10th

planet kush

his name is his character his

ufc review character is joey karate

but his real name is joey diaz

it’s fucking

priceless during your value

yeah joey’s always with me on the road i

think he’s coming with me saturday

night i gotta ask him i

think he’s coming saturday night

he doesn’t have anything else booked

uh at the john lovett’s

comedy club but he did all weekend in ontario he’s

he’s just the funniest dude i know

it’s just so fun to hang around with he always brings

an element of the

party you know like whenever we do shows without joey

they’re still fun as fuck

but there’s something

about having joey around and just he

brings the party

you know the

party starts when joey gets there

you know cause he don’t give a fuck

fuck yeah he’s like

the ultimate flavor flav but funny

yeah you know

like a funny flavor flav

you know it’s just like he’s just

the ultimate hilarious dude

do you think the gay people have

flashlight smoothies

where after they’re done with their

flashlights to just put a

straw in it and like walk around the

house slurping out of the hole oh dude

brian this we i’m sure you can just google it i’m sure

what would be someone there’s gotta be some sort of

drinks load

out of flashlights

just google that

video now what’s the latest

what’s the latest with the real doll type technology

they hit a wall

they hit a wall they had a wall

apparently according

to chris the dude who works at flashlight

the vagina in the real doll is hard and not comfortable

doesn’t feel good

doesn’t feel like the flashlight

listen man i don’t need to be fucking some rubber doll

i know it’s not a person i’m not pretending

okay a flashlight to me is perfect

just and it

doesn’t have to look

like a vagina either stop just make it a hole alright

so i don’t feel it it’s creepy

just make it a hole

that i stick my dick in and i

shoot a load into i don’t need to fuck some fake doll

and do a doggy style and

put her hands

on my balls and shit i don’t need that that’s just

gross to me that’s even more gross

it’s like you’re pretending it’s a person

i’m not pretending it’s a person i’m just trying to

shoot a load here

alright pretending it’s a person just how

about a flashlight that’s like

that you put on like a head like

one of those helmets like a

virtual reality

helmet you see

like a dick but it’s not yours obviously you see it

and whatever

that girl does in that

virtual reality

world like she suck

like that flashlight that you have and had

it like moves on the inside it’s like controlling

feels like a mouth

it grabs your

you know what i mean

it’s the exact

same strokeage

you know if it’s

going up how cool

would that be i

would use that shit

program i would

pay like nine hundred

bucks for that yeah

with helmets

acts like that and they had a code and that code

would transmit

to the flashlight

say if you add

each video each

video was coded

you know so you

would take someone and they

would figure out how to program into the computer

so that the hands or whatever the fuck mechanical

thing that you

would have that controls

the movement on the flashlight

would move in conjunction with what’s on the

screen it would be like

a basic computer program

so like you know if you’re out of town your wife

could send make a

video for you she

could send it

you plug it in that’s

heart attack

then you know what i mean

how does someone interpret

what she’s doing

she can make a

video of you jerking off another dude what the fuck

or we have to be you

jerking off you

yeah yeah you would ever have to you

could be live or you’d have

to be really open minded do came out like alive

so i could see and i’ll just jerk off at them

it’s way better than just porn

yeah some dudes are into that some dudes are into guys

watching guys fuck their wives

have you seen idiocracy no

i keep hearing about it no i haven’t

so much like yeah

it’s so much

one of my favorite

shit that people said that yeah a lot of people oh dude

but it’s good it’s by my judge

but that’s not an idea that is uniquely mine

the idea that people are getting dumber i

think everybody who’s paying attention

thinks that people are getting dumber

like a lot of people are getting

smarter but a lot more getting dumber

you know this is not just like you know

when i was a kid people were

smarter and all that grandpa bullshit

there was a fact

that i read on the internet that the average kid high

school kid in 1960

had 200 more words

in their vocabulary than the average kid in 2010

what was the

first year 1960

what about the new words that are ad like with

ebonics and all that

stuff about

slang words

there’s a lot of new shit

yeah do those count though

if they’re not in the dictionary they don’t count

how the dictionary how popular does

something have to be before it gets in there

i don’t know

cause i know there’s a lot of words that you

would think would be in there by now you

know shits lol

how about giving

knuckles and with the explosion remember

joey i thought joey was the only one doing so did

i he make that up

no i thought he made it up but then everyone’s probably

didn’t make it up

right nobody

else spread those

like six years ago

joey would i

thought joey made it up me too

what if he did it and he just didn’t know it

i don’t think so

cause now you see it in

movies all the time yeah everybody’s doing it

i hate doing it now because it

feels so dumb yeah i do it when we get on

stage i do it all the time i was doing that

before it was popular

yeah we do that all the time we get on

stage but you know

i feel like one part of me says

that yeah don’t do it because everybody else is doing

the other part he

says who gives a

fuck it’s better than the shaking hands

hey but i do it backwards now if you

start with the explosion

and then you go to

the fists that’s too creative

you’re trying too hard son it’s better

that’s the editor inside of you that

doesn’t make

sense to me

to make sense

to me i want to touch

knuckles and then there’s an explosion i know you go

hey what’s up

boom hey what’s up boom you’re not

gonna sell that

that’s not that’s not

that could work man you got 2 000 people if you

wanna do it if you

wanna do it go

right ahead but i

think you’re what if i do it to you and you do it the

other way i

think you’re out of line son

i think you need to abandon this i like the faggy one

where you go like

oh i like that do that one i like that one

that one should be

a problem i have a real problem with dudes

squish my fingers

when dude shake your hand

shake your hand don’t want to touch

yeah and like fingertip

thing yeah they go around the fingertip and

crush your fingers like

what are you i don’t like you

to that’s that’s you

think that i don’t know what it is they’re doing but i

if i grab someone’s hand and it’s like they got it

wrong i let up

and try to read

it out like let’s fix it i don’t like that nervous hand

juice i’m really getting paranoid

about people’s hands and stuff like

our friend went to the

apple store the

other day and they totally

saved his life

and he was just talking

about how these guys are just

like his hard

drive crash and the guy who just went

right on the computer

and he was just saying like how he was doing it and how

gross his keyboard was but the guy

did not even flinch and touched it and i was thinking

how many apple

employees like

girlfriends get

pregnant from really bad fingering because they must

their hands must be like pregnant

you know how much fucking calm has to be on all

those girls

fucking fingers

can’t survive

my keyboard has so much shit on it he

said that out loud

that’s i obviously don’t

think anyone’s getting pregnant but you

know how much cum is on your hands if you work at an

apple store how

about none no one’s coming on

their keyboard brian ah

you don’t ever masturbated

you never masturbated and

wiped it on a

towel and you

still had a

little bit of cum around the corner and you fucking

start typing

your protein isn’t come dude

you you you don’t let it go to

waste do you what

this show has gone downhill hard

we’re talking about fingering loads

brian you hijacked this goddamn show

you hijacked this show with this crazy

story about getting people pregnant from

touching keyboards i’m only on a banana

you’re only on a banana oh

brian is on this

crazy fucking diet where he’s trying to lose

thirty five pounds and he won’t shave

until he loses the weight

so he’s got this muslim beard he’s rocking right now

and he still has how many pounds to go

oh i’m down nineteen pounds since june eighteenth

and the way he’s doing it is obviously unhealthy

it’s rotting

well you’re the one supposed

to give me a protein bar you forgot

how crazy is it though how crazy is it

just by 19 pounds

all the hot chicks that are just bombing you i

think that’s amazing man just like that

you got all these girls all over well

he got this last one when he was fat

yeah i know and now he’s got

dude it’s incredible

you know what props bro

i’ve never seen

what do you attribute your attractiveness to

brian do you believe it’s your sense of humor

i still suck my thumbs so my lips get big by their own

by their own

by their own i like that

brian is like the oldest

child i’ve ever met in my life

he really he reminds me

of like friends that i had when i was in eighth grade

never grow up

you always stay when you got molested

what eighth grade

what the fuck are you laughing at son that’s

wrong what do you think chicks digging you

if you had a guess

uh them real personality definitely

i am like a real person you

think you seriously

like i open doors for him and stuff you’re a good

clean up guy to come in after the douchebags right

right and maybe i think i’m

a real guy i think you’re

amazing success lately

it’s only been on the last like a

month where it’s been incredible

i think it’s cause

chicks like cats you love cats

seriously think

about that think about the cat thing i know

i don’t think that’s it though

cause actually most of the chicks i j you

think that once you date one pretty girl

that all of a sudden other girls can smell it

what is your

realize that like see

you out with a pretty girl i’m like look at this bad

motherfucker i want him now how did he get her i think

i think a lot of it in this city is just people uh

fucking like taking care of girls because like

i know so many girls that i talk to

their boyfriends are like

you know fucking

freaking out

about olive garden like you know like can you pay this

you know like

they don’t get

taken on dates you know they don’t get

treated really like how they want to be

treated out

here because everyone’s trying to survive out here

girl i saw you with last week i

swear to god i

swear to god if i didn’t see what i

would have thought she was jessica alba

you know what i’m saying

i’m like what the fuck is

going on with brian

vegas like i’m seriously thinking

about getting a cat

i’m not even kidding i’m not even kidding wow

strong words because

eddie doesn’t even like cats

yeah i like cats i die

my new ones pretty

sweet man the

grind of fucking relationships finding someone

brian you’re a single man

right now what does that feel like

feels fucking

great until you

clean out your iphone of old

pictures and you’re like oh look at all

those old pictures dude

you’re gonna

they need an eye

breakup for

apple once you

break up it detects by face

your ex girlfriend and it destroys

everything or puts it in a

seat but then

what if you go back

together next week and she goes did you use eye breakup

they got time machine on i break up

i thought you were gone

forever though

they have time machine and i

break up and go back

you use that

break up we were only taking a

break we weren’t

breaking up brian

you know how

easy it is you know

easy it is to just flip them

what’s the craziest

argument you’ve gotten a

chick with recently

recently yeah

recently over the last 10 years of your life

what’s the craziest

i’ll just give him some room so the girls

don’t know he’s talking

about them uh

wow cause i know you’ve

heard some doozies oh

you’ve got some doozies getting a

tattoo behind my ear of a

heart or something like that what

yeah this one girl i dated

within the third week

she wanted to get

matching tattoos behind her ears

and i’m like already

we’ve only been dating for

three weeks and she goes

if you got me

and i was like okay that

sounds like

cause i was

thinking i’ll just get it

lasered off you know

whatever happens but like we were really

close to actually

doing that how much do you regret not doing it wow

huh dude you know i

i don’t think i

would ever do it i

think if it was actually on the way to the

tattoo studio i

would have just like

chloroformed her or something like that

you say you

would have but

what if you know you were in the moment and she went

first and you’re giddy and you had a couple yeah

you’re right i just put a japanese fucking

little sign on top of

doing it i could see you doing it

yeah i could

tell you they were

laughing about it i’d tell her

to do that that’s so

crazy though she wanted to mark you

sure so so many

women when you get involved in relationships

they want to make sure that you’re for real

they want to make sure you

take a test i’m in it for real are you in it for real

are you in it for real for real

yeah how about

i was talking

about this on my message

board today

how about dudes who fucking

share a facebook page with their wife

so fucking guy sent me a message you

know it’s like bob and jennifer

mccallaghan

i’m like what

you share a facebook page with a chick

dude say i have this ex

girlfriend that i love she’s a

great person to talk to and

stuff but her fucking husband

is addicted to farmville

so like all day

long it’s farmville this mafia wars this and i’m just

like i’m like texting or sending a message like

would you fucking stop like

telling me how much oranges you have and stuff like

oh so this is heather all

right i’m sorry

this is so and so is boyfriend

our husband

do you want to talk to her and i’m like no

can’t you just have your separate fucking

farmville account and just

get out of her so the fuck i’m not i’m so confused she

to farmville they sent each

other’s messages on facebook yeah like

hey someone’s heather or fuck

so and so so and so you’re the

worst at hiding

people’s names

what duncan what yes so and so

just got a brand new

horse in their

stable you know like it tells you

every time you

play this game it updates your facebook yeah

updates your facebook

automatically yeah

oh my god that’s so good and they

share inboxes together it’s like

dude you don’t have any life anymore

what if i just

wanted to say oh you look cute in that one

picture so this

dude sent me an

email message

on facebook

and the message was he came to the ontario show

and he said i saw your show

did you ever consider the possibility that

jesus was real

and that he was who he says he was

and i automatically dismissed him i’m like

first of all it’s a

silly question

second of all

how can i debate

a guy who’s got a fucking facebook page with his wife

like you’re on your own dude good luck

have a good time

but we can’t have any

conversations yeah i can’t have a serious conversation

about anything

i mean even if you’re a goddamn scholar

and you know and

you’re a brilliant person who knows a lot

about the history of the you know

the origins of jesus

i can’t talk to you

about that you got a fucking facebook page with a

chick dude does that

drive you nuts

uh you ever call a girl

or a dude rather and his

girlfriend answers the phone

what the fuck is that oh

what is that

that’s a guy trying to prove his love

yeah i’ll give you my password to my facebook i swear

i called you know what

that’s probably like getting back together type shit

girl breaks

up with guy and like i’ll do anything i’ll do anything

cause at that

point you know you’ll do anything

how about give me your fucking password your facebook

your twitter

all that shit let me

check out them

direct messages

that’s probably what it is

i called opie

opie and anthony

this chick answer the

phone i hope

call the cell

phone who are

maybe it was

assistant hey

maybe told her answer

it you know

especially if

you don’t know who the fuck it is you know you see some

you know phone number

and you’re not even sure who the hell it is maybe

maybe he didn’t give you the

whole phone

maybe there was a

whole phone

maybe that’s why she was

maybe that was a hoe

or maybe that wasn’t the

whole phone

because you’re not a hoe

and so he doesn’t

care who answers the real

phone you know oh i see i don’t

think he rocks it like that

he just had a kid too

eddie bravo

someday you gonna have kids

what do you think

about that you

feel extra pressure even thinking

about that considering how fucked up your childhood was

i did growing up i really thought that hey there

might be a chance that i don’t give a fuck

about my kids cause my dad didn’t give a fuck

about me i mean

i was like scared like

that would kill me if my father

thought or if my

child thought of me like i thought i would

think of my father that

would fucking destroy me so that

i was scared of having kids most of my life

but i almost had a kid i thought i had a kid then

we had the dna test but i had a kid for

three months i played the daddy

and that’s when i knew i could

i could i would love my kid

no matter what i was a test i thought i had a kid for

three months

what was it like when you walked away

after three months

i didn’t walk away

after three

months i stayed

after we found out he wasn’t mine i stayed

and i hung in there as long as possible

but the chick was just so

uh she just it just did not fucking work man

you know how that goes yeah and i had to make a choice

you know the craziest

thing is when we finally did break up

i’d come i came back like

maybe two months later

to see jake

and he still remembered me

he still remembered but it was kind of like fuck

where you been for two months

and then i came back like six

months later

and when i came back and he really didn’t recognize me

like the girl had to pull out

like pictures of us at the zoo

remember he’s the one who took you to the zoo remember

and he’s like hmm

that was like fuck

you don’t even know me god damn

those motherfuckers will forget you

if you’re not around

for like six months

sad music the mood

then i realized you know once he

started forgetting me then i realized you know what i

could just step away from this now

would be a good idea just to just to get out of this

he doesn’t remember my six

months off from seeing a baby

yeah yeah man

he was like

it was like this happened when he was like one

one and a half something like that he’s walking around

you know and then he just

started forgetting

about me it was a trip

and then i just backed out

how many times

have you thought a

chick was pregnant and wasn’t

dude i don’t

wanna talk about that

how many let’s not even talk

about crazy

shit like that ma’am

yeah ugly yeah we should also say we’re

gonna be on another podcast oh yeah we’re

gonna do doug benson’s podcast in like two

hours yeah we got a darker traffic

and head well it’s five now we’re all right

and we got to head down to the ucb

to do the doug benson podcast tonight

crazy we hung out with doug when we were in vegas

he was there for some poker

and so he came to show at the

house blues we hung out and then

he came to the

ufc the next day too he’s a good

motherfucker

and he’s the reason why i had to make a fan line

cause i fucked up and twittered my number

my number i thought to him i thought i was twittering a

direct message

but it was a reply

or it was i’ve twittered just a straight message to the

whole fucking

world so i had to get a new phone

haha what you

gonna do son

but so we’re

gonna go do the dog benson podcast

right after this

anything else we

should talk

about before we wrap this

bitch up any

problem i’m good join all of our

twitters which are

listed below

eddie bravo and

red band joe rogan

no i don’t think no i don’t want anybody to

jump on my twitter my shit i just post disgusting crazy

weird ass shit you do not want to see my shit it’s

definitely r

rated psychology

yes plus you want to keep

it vip too that’s how i look at it i want a vip

if you’re easily offended do not follow me please

well no one

who’s listening to this show is easily offended

unless you’re just looking for ammunition

that motherfucker what do you say

about jesus

there’s a lot

of people out there doing that i’m sure joe we

should also say that you have a new q and a

oh yeah you know i

haven’t really set that up totally

i mean i signed up for it but i don’t know how to do it

in the in the future will have like q and a podcast

i should do it by myself

or i just read off the questions and just answer them

and just do it to camera

so i’ll do one of

those in the future because

i get so many the same questions over and over again

it would be better if i

could figure out a way to answer them

just to you know

but if you want

to find out info on comedy dates go to joe rogan

net my twitter

is just joe rogan

of course eddie’s twitter is

eddie bravo

brian is red band

on 10th planetjj com

get on my forum if you want you

know for future seminar dates

they’re all up on the forum man

flashlight com too

yeah we are sponsored by the

flashlight com and

like i said even if i wasn’t sponsored by it i probably

wouldn’t talk

about it as much

but i’d still tell you you

should go fuck one of

those things

cause it’s awesome are there different sizes

i don’t know they have a

mouth though i saw a

mouth online

with fangs really

yeah twilight one

do they have a twilight one

well it’s got fangs it’s a

vampire one not twilight one though

fucking vampires

cocksucker let me tell you something when i was young

the bonovis collins that’s a fucking

vampire okay

he walks in

ladies and gentlemen you guys have been a

well i don’t know what you’ve been you

might be fucking

screaming obscenities at me right now

who the fuck knows what you

are you know i can’t say you’ve been anything you guys

you’re just out there

but we appreciate you

you might be cool

hopefully you are

hopefully you’ve been

great as you’re

watching you have been yelling you faggots talk

about some other shit

but we appreciate the fuck out of it as always

our podcast by lay is also now on

what’s it called

again stitcher

oh yeah it’s on

stitcher so

what stitcher is is a

if you go to joe rogan net

the front page there’s a link and if you

click on the link it’ll take you to the

stitcher website that’s set up just for my podcast

and it’ll give you the information

exactly how to do it but it’s real

super simple

you load it up on your phone you

could pretty much now you could

stream over your

cell phones you

stream our podcasts and

we’re also on itunes but this is just another

thing you can i

it’s for people who are not into

apple and you know they want to be able to do it on

their smartphone

we’re also gonna be

switching over so we have a zoom one

and we’ll have an iphone

app one two that all be that’s all in the works so

thank you very much for

tuning in and

we will see you bitches next week

and i say bitches with all the love and respect

in the world

assalama like them