Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

Transcript

there we go

beautiful ladies and gentlemen

welcome to day

twenty five run

twenty five

week twenty five week

week twenty

five the extreme podcast we got a double podcast week

we’re getting crazy

today is my good friend mad flavor

aka joe diaz

in the motherfucking

house that’s

right funniest

human beings i’ve ever met in my life i’ve

known joey for

about a decade

oh before we go anywhere before we get started

flashlight com

we are we are sponsored by the flashlights

and this is the butthole

version of the flashlight it sponsors the podcast

if you go to joe rogan dot net

click the link you get like a discount

joey diaz have you ever seen one of those in person

let’s rip it out explain it to me

let’s talk about it here

this is the one that i haven’t fucked so you can

touch it put your finger in there and tell me that

that’s the butthole version is the butthole

but is there a vaginal

verge yes of course

they retarded

did you hide it

how perverted are they

could you imagine if the vaginal

one went out of style because nobody wanted to fuck it

it’s like everyone just wanted the asshole well

it is tighter so you think everyone

would want to fuck because everyone likes tight pussy

i guess it’s fucking square

it looks like your dicks

gotta be like a fucking square i love it

i love it this is

tremendous you gotta fuck one of these

things i’m telling are you fucking crazy

it’s way better than beating off you beat off right

so you grab it like this and just go like this yeah you

move it out yeah

show them fish in the bucket show them

fish in the bucket

take the fish

out of the bucket that’s your move dude i don’t want to

review that

check this out

how awesome is this fish in the bucket

look at that

thing that’s how you

watch it it pulls out it wiggles

oh so you come in that thing

yeah you squirt it

at the bottom

and there’s a

cap on the bottom when you undo the cap your load comes

i love hanging out with

these guys this

technology they

always keep me up this shit you know what i’m saying

yeah we’re up

to the latest this is the latest in masturbation

technology what kind of

people hanging out with i disappear a couple

weeks this is show up

with an asshole

and it was a

solid product

this is a solid product

and this product comes

under a lot of unnecessary

heat in my opinion

let me ask you

this people

what if you want to go the

other way does this come in different

colors what if you want

to fucking get

in the ass you get a

brown one you get a

hindu one we got to find that they got a hit

or a slumdog millionaire one you

know smells like a fucking lottery

ticket i bet

there’s a different a

bunch of different

colors there has we can’t just be

white yeah that’s

right this is two thousand ten you

gotta mix it up a little

what kind of shit is this i mean

yeah i guess i’ll do a black one

you know you

might as well an

asian one and with a little

muffler smell like

twice cook pork

i bet there’s a reason why like the

black ones show the crust

or how dirty it is more probably you know it gets white

i’m gonna say like you should be poor

ones a little too high

what are you talking

about yeah okay we’re on the

front page and i just see nothing but

white pussy yeah

let’s go with the private

collection they have a champagne

collection they have a loop

a version have you know who loop a is

a white pussy

the puerto rican singer from the 70s no lupe

is this new porn star they have a lupe version of the

flashlight and i was just at

hard rock x fans convention and she was there

man that chick is amazing she’s like

four feet tall

but yet the proportions

perfect of a

regular female

like everything fits perfect

she just looks like a little girl not like a midget

i wonder if you can get a blue

one so you can pretend you’re fucking that avatar chick

they have vampires they have

vampire ones they

should totally make it they have

twilight ones do you see the

twilight one

flashlights

twilight they have fangs

get the fuck

they swear to

god they have fangs in the tube that goes down that

rubs against your dick has

fangs on the tube or something like that

so it’s like fucking a

vampire pussy

cause i know you like

vampires better than werewolves

have you lost your fucking mind

you’re so big

you’re out of your

mind that’s

that’s a hundred percent true

that fucking

all that is

not in werewolves huh

you do you said you like them last

week better oh my

goodness bro

and i’ve been

thinking about this

whole time because

i have not said that he likes baby you are

just making shit up

brian’s just

you didn’t say that you didn’t say you would

just rock it

back to the eighth

grade always

you’re a silly eighth grader right now

outside when you’re not supposed to be there

right you got out of the gym

you and your buddies

got high and now you’re

cracking jokes on them you’re back in columbus ohio

right now are you

wait wait wait wait what’s

going on here

your barbecued

i am barbecued

it’s alright

i know you are because i am and i’m

listening to you talking i’m like this kid’s too high i

gotta help him out here i

gotta pull them out

pull out of this conversation yeah

but they do have a vampire

flashlight that’s unbelievably ridiculous

but i’m more of a werewolf guy so that’s why it’s

ridiculous i don’t even like

vampires really

tired of vampire

movies the wolfman sucked okay

i did not like that

movie it was dumb

it just didn’t work

and i still bought the fucking blu ray

okay how about that that’s how much

i am a wizard was there any special features i

search itunes for werewolf

movies bro do you get this i

watch werewolf

movies that are terrible

you know why

because i know there’s

gonna be at

least a guy’s

gonna turn into a werewolf and fuck some people up

so you know what i do

i watch the beginning to get

their names okay this is bob

this is okay let me just know what the fuck’s going on

let me fast forward

until i see somebody turn

into a werewolf

i wanna see the fucking

the best latest

technology and

the dude turned to werewolf and just fucking people up

i just think

those are the craziest movies

the idea that

american werewolf in london got me hooked yeah

i saw that shit in 1981 and i was a werewolf fan

i was done but do they

still do all this shit like lon chaney

remember like the sun

that’s the problem with this wolfman

movie they went with a mask

it’s benicia del toro in a mask

and he’s like

and it’s lower jaw

sticks but they don’t show the

transformation

the transformation

coming out of

their arms and the fucking

thing yeah no

they do i mean there’s a lot of a lot of cool

there’s a lot of cool cgi in the

transformation but the

final product just looks

it just doesn’t look

right because it’s like he

tried to use the old wolf man from

like the nineteen forties or whatever the fuck it was

it was a claude

rains i think it was

he tried to use that version

of the wolf man

and just make a more

modern updated but

after you go to american welfare

london you can’t go backwards

you can’t because american americans

that fucking

thing was evil man it was like a dog

person demon

thing was on the four legs

is that a blur

yeah fuck yeah it’s on blu ray

i got that shit son

and like when

they’re running from it and you just see it

they did that

movie so well you don’t really get to see it that much

because the

technology was not that good

the only one time you get to actually see the werewolf

he’s going through the streets of london

snapping people’s heads off remember

when he was running through the streets and everybody’s

freaking out and

car accidents and shit

that’s the only time you get to see it moving around

every other time in the movie

it’s like you barely

see it but you see enough that it’s fucking terrifying

and the transformation

scene just off the chain

you know that’s the kind of shit that we had

in 1981 okay

now what do they have they have

vampires that don’t bite people

and werewolves

could just growl at

everybody and can change back and forth when they want

what the fuck have we come to

the fuck have we come to joey bro i can’t even i’ve

never watched the twilights

but i seen what those two little fucking half a

fruit cakes look like i can’t believe they’re vampires

in my day vampires were bad

motherfucker barnabas collins

that’s a vampire

wow you just went bebe

that guy you don’t even know that

shadows and you know when you were

vampires you fuck guys you fuck chicks

it don’t matter you’re a vampire

you ain’t gay

you just sling dick your fucking dogs

it don’t matter

you’re a fucking animal you know what i’m saying

right now gary oldman

gary oldman gary oldman

get the fuck

out you know

you gotta these vampires are too

i don’t know how to say it that to play disney

the fucking disney

it’s disney

it’s we’ve got a whole

group of kids

now that are growing up with horrible mediocre

entertainment that’s designed just for them

as opposed to when we were kids there was no

fucking kids shows you had

sesame street

you know you had

a fucking a couple

other different shows

you know that you can

watch it with a kid

oriented shows then

everything else was a fucking

adult show but the only kids show i

would watch is

betty hill like a

motherfucker anyway

that

was a what a fucking great

and every once in a while they show you a tito

yeah great you were six you lost your

fucking mind

for a week he was like the

first guy to figure out that very simple combination

tits tits tits and comedy

and silliness and an accent

to boot that dude started the accent way before

jimmy masala hide that english

chick to answer the phone

english people do make you

think that shit is legit let’s just

use them for

those late night infomercials it’s always

an english person describing some product like god

people pay more attention

they think they’re cooler or something

when you meet a

chick that has an accent from

over there i i don’t know but it makes her like two

levels hotter

don’t you think well you know english dude say that

to dave bishop says that of american girl oh really

american accent he said you just so hot damn

i’m your soulmate dexter

i’m your soulmate

there’s an english

chick at there’s a chinese

chick at the

y with an english accent oh that when you talk to

her you lose your fucking bird

yeah you might want to take a yoga

class with that

chick yeah no no she’s

very nice that’s a

strong that’s a

strong combo

right there

that’s a double exotic you know

that’s a proper

exotic and another exotic on top of that oh you

gotta hear it that’s a

strong one too

you know it took like that

could fuck a guy’s life up

you know you know i’m saying

sugar that breaks up with you and

starts fucking some new guy

and you know

what kind of

pussy she’s

slinging at him

you know what kind of

crazy shit she’s doing to him

you know she

said put in my ass

saying crazy shit

with that english accent to fuck you up even

worse and i’m saying yeah

you can’t eat chinese food and

watch fucking benny hill no more because you have

flashbacks it’s horrible you

know her favorite shit she likes to get fucked in the

mouth come in my mouth

was he hall

competition

was he hot competition

yeah was that the american version of benny hill

because it seems like it was a tv show

it was a variety

show country show they used to have like songs they

would play songs they

would do like sketches

listen it was a dumbass show but when i was a kid i

enjoyed it i used

to go there for

boobs also i remember benny hill and hee hall

where my two like

i’ll watch that for i don’t know if

he had cleavage yeah

they had the

blondes with

benny hill would show you it as

cheating something

and they wouldn’t

catch it on channel 9 in

those days so

he got away with murder you know i’m saying

benny hill was the

first guy to have like a real

silly show like that with

him chasing

after girls and

you know that’s a

weird that famous

song that they use

always had a hard on

fucking stressed as hard on

this country has forgotten

about the hard

on they give no fucking respect for the hard on no more

right you’re

right benny hill always

think that’s because

there’s too many people

do you think that when when there

gets overpopulation

naturally people

get more reluctant to hide shit like that

well we took

we disregarded the hard on because they got see

alice now and shit nobody

fucking benny hill

so they’re just too common the

hard ons too common now because a big dick because of a

yeah now it don’t matter see in the old days

was a big deal it was a big deal

take fucking pills you know i’m saying

yeah like the old days a 62 year old guy

that had a hard on was like wow that guy’s excited you

wow look at him he’s got a boner

e62 what you do now is like oh that old

creep he’s on fucking viagra look at him

have you not seen

done any research on these gnc

versions of viagra that are big

right now they’re almost like you know there’s just a

bunch of vitamins and stuff like that

flashlight was telling us

about that yeah tell us

about one that works yeah and the one that actually had

viking or not viking invite

viagra in it as a can

30 percent of it was viagra

which is weird to me

no wonder why it works

right they of course they had that a

booth like that at that this x fans

party i went to

and the guys were selling it

he was like i’m no doctor i’m like yeah what’s in this

and i was looking through it and it was probably three

hundred different like roots and like like fucking bird

tears and nim

shit niagara

that’s some

shit that works

you know because all

those roots and shit

those aren’t

gonna work on a 60 year old dick

you know oh you know taking your fucking

ginkgo below

but that’s not

gonna give you a boner when you’re 80

you know right

but viagra will fucking rock it

viagra will rock it you ever

taken viagra

joey no but my uncle

72 when he tells

me the stories how he’s banging this shit out of people

my uncle fucking stays home

sunday through he walks

griffin park

every morning four miles

then he goes home eats viagra

and fuck some

chick to death

wow he’s crazy it’s good

like a thirty year old chicken just

fucks her and he

gets pastrami

goes back and fuck

remember brian holzman

i love viagra

cause now these

young girls

that go out with

these old rich guys

they have to fuck them now

remember that

betty would do

yeah and his load his load it’s like

paint that’s been sitting in your basement for a year

it’s not a fresh product

ladies and gentlemen

remember that remember that bit

brian holzman

brian holzman

ladies and gentlemen

is probably

one of the funniest guys that unfortunately you’re not

gonna hear of

or you’re not

gonna see on tv you’re not

gonna see him in a special i hope you do

unless you get at the comedy store

yeah does he

still even go there i

heard he was going to

laugh factory

unless he gives you a ticket

let her go beach

great fucking guy

is he a parking

a meter made

combination dog

catcher which how

funny is he is a fucking dog

he’s a goddamn reality show waiting to happen

why doesn’t someone follow him around he’s the

meter man dog

catcher and he’s

brian holzman

one of the funniest

comics lady get your

dog out of the

street can you

give him a fucking a camera

a kid in front of him and mic him up that’s a

great reality show somebody out there act on this kid

get a hold of

brian altman

but brian altman is like

what there’s only a few guys like that that you meet

in your life and you go man this

motherfucker like what

what happened

like why didn’t

why didn’t anybody see this why he’s so good

why doesn’t anybody see that

you know brody stevens is another one brody’s got some

stuff going on he was in the hangover and

you know he’s got

good friends that are really

funny guys respect him but

brody stevens

should be a national headliner he

should be fucking killing it

all over the country

people should be like

buying tickets to see him in advance

and looking forward to and getting

fired up that brody’s in town

but you know what the

weird thing

about brody stevens is i almost don’t want him to get

that famous because i love just

watching chelsea lately

and seeing like miscellaneous like

parts in the

movie the hangover

and stuff like that it’s like

kind of like a hidden game like find brodie stevens

out of nowhere

you know what i mean

no no no i know

obviously i don’t mean it you know

but it’s kind

of nice kind of cool only knowing who he is you know

they’ve been

tortured about this

story lately he hasn’t been getting

bots yeah brody

when we did the man show brody was the warm up guy and

his warm ups were so fucked

he can tell

the same joke ten times in a row and i’ll ask for it

you know i’ll keep yelling out

did you do any

modeling and

he’ll do his

whole fucking that

whole piece that he does

modeling beirut pakistan

i was on the

cover of camel

beach enjoy it

what’s brody stevens

twitter name when you

throw that out you know

brody steven

my brody’s friend

yeah i’m yeah

i’m brody’s friend brody’s friend

i’m brody’s friend

follow this guy this guy’s

quite the beauty

he’s a fucking

great human being and he

starts twittering at like six in the morning you know

and he has the cutest dog that has the most

human face i’ve ever seen in my life

brody’s so hilarious

i go back to seattle with brody

that’s how long i’ve

known brody when i used to

drive his car

to the gig harbor and he used to cry and i was

speeding in his car

tell us a classic brody

story time we put them in the trunk and

drove to gig harbor

he told me they take him two

hours and i said i’ll bet you any fucking amount of

money i could do it now when he’s like no you can’t

and we put them in the back seat with

soundgarden

blast and they kept saying

normal people don’t live like this

i’m doing 90

in the fucking

right hand lane cutting all fucking asians

he’s like stop joe diaz

i would not want to be in the

car with you reckless driving if i was high that’s the

night he stopped the show

because there was a

bunch of headshots on the wall

and he stopped

the show because there was no jews on the wall

not one fucking jew you got

black people

you got white people

where’s the jews next

time i come here i want a jew on the wall brody gets

these bad late

night spots or at

least he used to at the

store and you know sometimes you’d get up there and the

crowd would be dead there’d be no one left like

you know the show

starts at eight o’clock at

night or something like that and brody

would be on like

after 1 am like 1 45 or something like that he’d go on

and he would just start

playing the drums he would pull

chairs up and pull out his drumsticks

and start playing the drums and just

start ad libbing

and fucking around

and before you know you had a fucking show

he had assured there was

eight people there but that was a rocking

eight you know

and that’s one

thing that that creepy place

was the best for best

for giving you

those little tiny ass crowds

those tiny ass crowds

where there was no one in the

audience and people were barely paying attention but

every now and then someone

would go up

and just do something

magical in that zero crowd

eight people was all i needed joey

diaz let me tell you a

story about you let me tell the

story about you

joey diaz one

night we were at the comic

store and it was one of

those nights

where it was

just it was kind of dead was it a sunday

when you want it when you get on stage

and you were doing the

ozzy osbourne i was a

sadly the main

and it was late at

night it was late

one night nobody

this is the early day

there was the comic

store went through some dark periods

where we got real bad

crowds for a

long time you know and this was this was like

pre fear factor

right this is a long time ago yeah in between this is

really in fear factor okay so

so it’s one of

these late nights

and there’s only

maybe like fucking

literally like five audience

members left in this main room

and joey goes on stage

and joey tells him to put on was it warped

and he fucking

cranks warpig and joey fucking

sings along

takes his shirt off

and screaming into the

microphone on key with

every lyric

and the place goes

fucking bananas bananas i had to say it there

because that’s what it was everybody was going nuts

everybody came in from the fucking

kitchen all the

comics that were

still left in the

or came in to

do to the parking lot came in

by the time joey was off stage

it went from ten people to the only

thirty people that were in the

whole fucking building

and we were just clapping and

laughing it was like

there’s these

magical moments

where you know a dude just hit some rare

place on stage

where he’s just free as fuck

and that place

that place at the comic

store there was so many of

those moments

that’s what took it

when you did it it was such the

moment it was so real because there was no one there

there was no one there

it wasn’t like you could

large audiences

sometimes you can trick them

you can sing

and sound like fucking

some other singer and they clap

and they love you and in the end they give you a big

standing ovation

but it’s really a

bunch of dumb shit

you know you’ve just

entertained them

sufficiently

but you’re not

gonna get that kind of response out of like five people

when there’s only five people there

you gotta give him some real shit

it’s gotta come from some

crazy place inside you

when there’s like

five or six people there can be no fat in your act

that’s where your joke sounds so

gross and jokey

like all the unnecessary parts of your act

they just seem so stupid

because now you’re only talking to a few people

it teaches you

that’s one thing i give the comedy

story i’ll never take it away from the comedy

store i never hit

magical moments like that at another club

the original room

and the main room

was emphasis

on the original room

after midnight

see a lot of

comments you’ll talk to like i’m getting 12 15 spots

little do you

know for a guy like me at 12 15 spot is a gold

because i couldn’t

go in there and do what the fuck i want to do

which is really what comedy really is in a way

you know it’s unprepared you go in there

if you go up there with

three of your jokes

about me and my

girlfriend broke up it’s

gonna be a long 15 minutes you know that

and that’s what the comedy

store pulled out of you

pulled out how to

entertain for i love

going up and there be four people that’s my world

that’s my fucking world

500 that’s my

world four or five people on a tuesday

night somewhere

haha something

that’s as fun as it gets

when they start

laughing and rocking it’s so genuine

you know those moments are so genuine

there’s no fat in those

small crowds man

it’s a totally different

style of comedy

and that’s something i realized when i

started doing larger venues

it’s harder sometimes to get

you could be like one on one real with a

large venue

cause like you don’t

wanna give them too much like dead air time

you don’t wanna give them too much

time to contemplate there’s too many

people it’s just too hard to control all of them anyway

it becomes more of like a show

whereas like

if you’re doing it for like just a few people

there’s something fucking

crazy about that man

ever tell you the danger

field story

where we did comedy

like four different guys did comedy for two people

we were at the

angel fields show as far

started like you know

eight o’clock something like that

my spot was at like nine thirty

i got there at nine o’clock

and everybody’s just waiting in the in the bar

i’m like what’s

going on like no one’s here

no one no one no

crowd at all nothing

so what do we do do we

leave now we’re

gonna wait for

people to show up see if anybody shows up

so we wait okay

we’re there for

maybe 15 minutes and

a couple walks in

and there was a guy

bobby who was the doorman

this big fucking

powerlifting

scottish guy

he was this guy who used to do

powerlifting with fucking

bags of cement

he would take bags of cement and pour them into

those big white plastic buckets

and do fucking

powerlifting with them and he’s just

just a gorilla

just a gorilla of a man and

crazy sense of humor

so the people

probably way funnier than 99

of the comedians that ever worked in danger

fields funnier than me when i was a kid for sure

i was like how

come this guy is the doorman he’s fucking hilarious

and i’m some dildo

trying to do

stand up without a view of the world yet

and i’m the one on stage

so anyway the couple walks in and goes

come back this way

ladies and gentlemen shows not to stop

you know this

crazy scottish accent it’s terrible

impression of him by the way

pulls them down

system down the people like sit in this room like

we’re by ourselves what’s going on

ladies and gentlemen

welcome to danger fields

please welcome your host and whoever the fuck

the host was and the host goes out there by himself

and he does

stand up for this couple

and he does like

twenty minutes and then he

brings on the next act the next act is a half an hour

then he brings on the next act and he

doesn’t have an hour

and they brought on me and i did a half an hour

and i brought on somebody

else and these fucking people sat there and

watched a whole comedy show

just two people

and they sat through the

whole thing they probably felt

trapped but they

probably had a

blast too they had a

blast eventually

from a different there was some good

comics take

your water bride

there were some good

comics that

night danger

fields was a good

place to work out it’s very similar to the comic

store nobody was there that was

gonna watch you there was no industry people there

you know danger feels is not

where you’re

gonna meet your manager or your

agent it’s this

weird little club that only the

comics like

because in a

place like the

comic store

the good thing

about a lot of people like

industry won’t come to the comedy

store i’m like well

you don’t get this kind of a club

this kind of an atmosphere

if the agencies

want to come here

they don’t want to come to this kind of place

they want to come to the kind of place

where they’re

taken care of

it’s very professional

and the manager takes care of

their tab and seats them and

shakes their hand and kisses

their ass the comedy

store never give a fuck

about the agents

they don’t give a fuck

about you you don’t even get free tickets fuck you

the only way they get free tickets

is if you call in you say hey i need two tickets for my

agent then the

agent gets free tickets

the agent’s on his own he’s fucked you’re

gonna have to pay it costs 20 bucks

and this guy over

here he’s gonna take your money

they don’t do that in

other clubs

but because of that that

place was just

this place where you just saw wild shit

i saw your dick there at

least 100 times

was at least

a hundred times

where joey pulled his dick out of

jealous the one that i

like this is

this is the way i

gotta tell that’s the

first time a girl

what’s her that’s

what the fuck’s her name

the female comic

all the one that sued the

virus yes what is your

name judy judy

judy can see

ali yeah okay so this is what happens

she goes on

stage we shouldn’t have said her name

she goes on stage

so she’s she’s on stage she’s not doing very well

and we’re all

barbecued we’re high as fuck it’s

eight people it’s a monday night

you know there’s nobody there’s no one there it was a

small crowd so

while she’s on stage

joey goes into

the back area there’s like this backstage area

that’s like

in the or the or

is a small room and only seats

about a buck 50

but it does have a

stage with a little backstage area

so joey goes to the backstage area

he goes to the backstage area it takes off all his

clothes and he waits

and so she’s doing her act and when she gets to her

punch lines

she hits the

punch line and joey

opens the curtains and

shakes his dick

and then closes them up real quick

and the people go crazy

and you see this

spark in her eye

like she was

finally working

like i’m finally doing it

oh my god now i see what it’s like i

could do all

you could see her loosen up and get confident

you can see her relax

and every time she had a

punch line joey would

pop open that curtain

shakes dick

and the people were fucking

just stomping their feet

laughing slapping

their tables

she never didn’t know that you did that i don’t think

she ever knew

she never knew

you did that we couldn’t

break her heart she thought that she was on the

phone with a

she had so much

confidence the next

night remember the last the next time we saw her on

stage the same jokes just

just didn’t didn’t work

it was like

the same did just she had the magic

she had it for one night

and she didn’t even know

i wonder if she’s like

thinking about

what she ate that

night like i

gotta eat the same food

every day she’s been eating like bologna

sandwiches for the last 20 it’s hard to talk shit

about anybody who’s not

funny because nobody’s

funny in the beginning

you know it’s

like how come some people figure out how to be

funny and some people don’t

i mean funny is a strange

thing there’s some

folks that you know they

might be intelligent they

might be cool they

might but there’s something

about them that’s just not funny

you know and it’s just no

no matter how hard they try for whatever reason it just

doesn’t seem to connect

we’ve all know

guys who’ve been open micers for 20 years

right you know

those guys yeah

and they’re

happy there

some of them

some of them

still can’t figure out what the fuck it is

you know it’s weird

i’ve been following like really

weird people

on twitter lately but i’ve been following dexter’s

ex wife or i

guess wife no

spoiler alert but

you know the main girl from dexter

right on twitter

it is so weird to follow somebody

that you know

supposed to be dead or

right or that’s supposed to be like oh my god

i should be following her dexter’s

gonna get pissed you know

i saw what he did to

the neighbor you know but you know

about that dude that thought he was dexter

that dude up in

british columbia

really well i never

heard this giant

crazy dexter

fan wind up committing a murder and getting

caught for it

i do feel like

after watching that show so much that

i find myself doing

things like you know like a

like i’m always

thinking twice like what

would my dad do you know i’m like wait a

second i’m just getting the mail

you watch 10 episodes of the fucking why i one shot

stone that’s got a psychological yeah

that’s a dark show it’s kind of weird

yeah yeah it’s good though huh the first season by

the way now i could talk about it

i thought the john lithgow

season was the best

season oh okay

maybe it was i mean when i said it was only

based on the very first episode that i saw

granted i was getting a little tired of the whole

every week somebody gets murdered thing

yeah there was a formula to it

that if you get caught in that way

it’s with 20 minutes late so he’s

gonna you know 20 minutes left in the show who’s

gonna kill well you know i tell you what that

whole the smiths

third season whatever his name is

jimmy smith’s or whatever his name is

that thought that was the worst

season i hated that season yeah i did not like that

season i did not mind it

it wasn’t the best the best

season was the first one the first

one was

i understand the guy got sick

and he had some health problems but in the

first one he looked like a killer like he was

built right

i didn’t buy him when he lost all that muscle

i mean i know it sounds silly

but i just i’m like your

jiu jitsu and people and you look like a

skinny see i

never even thought he had muscle to begin with

it looks like if you look at the

first one you know what it looks like to me

like there’s dudes that you go to

jiu jitsu with and

you see him and they’re like purple belts or something

like that and you look at me like this fucking guy’s

gonna be a pain in the ass it’s

gonna be hard to roll with this guy

it’s got like a big neck

strong shoulders i’m like this is

gonna be a battle

you just look at him

that’s kind of what he looked like in the

first season he looked like a dude who was like a

sturdy dude

you know i bought that he was like this killer that

it made him look just a little more sinister

even though he was polite

he looks so much like a

victim yeah but

maybe that’s why they picked jonathan lithgow

because he’s like oh

it could be him well

here’s my problem and this is i mean

granted i’m a commentator for fucking cage

fighting but

when john lithgow

got her in that weak ass room

naked choke i

was like what the you ain’t

could put nobody

sleep with that

bitch you know it’s so

funny and in the fucking

chick with a buck

people buck they don’t just

lay there and accept the fact you’re choking them i try

let me tell you something my

daughter who she’s fucking two okay

she’s thirty pounds

she had something

stuck in her nose last night

and she had a little barbie doll shoe

and she fucking shoved it up her nose

and it was like upper nose

and she was

pawn at it and

i had to hold her down and get it out of her nose

and dude she’s fucking thirty

pounds and she’s

screaming and

freaking and kicking

and i can barely get a hold of her nose

and hold her little tiny head to pull this thing out

the john lithgow’s got some woman

a grown ass

woman who knows some

crazy man’s

about to fuck

her dead body

right and she’s just gonna go

oh my god you putting me to

sleep shut the fuck up

right we take that

right i wouldn’t

wanna grab the actor i

wanna grab the actor and just

hold them down just

start smacking them in the face you know

come on get up get up

get up have them fucking

freak out haven’t

think that you’re

gonna die like you you

might die in this

you i might not ever let you up you fuck i might just

beat the fuck out of you to

death right here

and there’s nothing you can do about it

but that’s how you feel when someone’s choking you to

death in a bathtub

you don’t just

oh he’s got me that was

stupid you know what though it’s like it’s so

funny cause while i’m

watching it

john let go doing

these moves and

stuff i’m like

thinking of you

watching this

and i’m like

ah you know joe is getting pissed right now

yeah but what’s so

funny is that you get so mad

about just a

choke that like to

me i’ll buy

the choke but

i can’t buy that fucking cell

phone looks like it was made in paintbrush

you like incoming call

where you at

when you look

at the graphics you know there’s no fucking

phone that makes that graphic

what’s cell tech

cell tech cell

tech is not a real

phone company

that’s hilarious

i just you know to me that

scene where he kills that

woman in the tub is just as unrealistic as spock

grabbing people by the neck and putting them to

sleep that’s

just like a

ninja death

touch to me people

freak the fuck out when you’re choking them

okay they hyperventilate they

kick they spaz

right you know

that’s of it that’s made by someone who’s

never seen anybody get choked

and the guy was doing it’s

never choked anybody

and there was no girls

never gonna show

that nobody

should have

been freaking the fuck out you don’t just

choke someone like that they go

crazy right

they try to survive you’re in a fucking bathtub with a

naked old dude

yeah he’s behind you and you just kind of just

yeah you would

bite that motherfucker you’d be

fighting for your life at that

point i would be more believable that he

would move his

blood samples out of the air condition unit

after the first

second third

or fourth time see i’m

thinking more of shit like that i’m like

come on you take your fucking

blood samples you put

underneath the

or something yeah i didn’t need that

little thing that evidence the little

thing that he

you know the

trophies right

but i guess that’s a

thing that serial killers do though well yeah i

agree but you know

i look at a show like that but then you last week

eddie said that he liked true

blood and and

i just get so

angry i’ve been

fighting people off twitter all week

about true blood

lovers another goddamn

vampire show how many

vampire shows are there now there’s a

new one there’s

a new one yeah

what the fuck and what happened

to the fucking

tapes what happened to the

black shirt with the fucking

thing what happened to the

thing that they

hypnotize you with

they just fucking evolved

that’s it no

kate no nothing they show up with fucking pale

that robert pattinson

looks like he’s been getting

punched in the nose another fucking kid

and the chick i don’t know bro i don’t even play the

vampire thing

i don’t even

fucking go there i don’t go halfway there

my wife watches true but i

leave the fucking house you

understand me on

sunday nights i don’t like none of that shit

i don’t know

where it came from it just

snuck up on us like fuck i know it’s

crazy i don’t

know a swarm of

vampires cw

got a show now

abc got a show

everybody got a show

about that and i don’t

listen bro i don’t know

i’m out of my fuck

what is what’s that

other popular show with kids

right now there’s another

vampire show it’s

vampire diaries vampire

diaries that one

what the fuck then there’s another one that’s just

about to start that’s

brand new that’s coming out

soon can you have too many fucking vent

will there be a bounce back can we expect

i don’t know because there’s

people in the chat room they’re saying dude true

blood is legit you know

they just don’t

fucking get what

we’re talking about

just the fact

that there’s a chat room that people are talking about

fucking kills me

right there that destroyed my internet

life is too goddamn easy people are soft as fuck

they are soft as

shit on a hot summer

day christ people are

fucking soft and they’re not even interesting fucking

vampires that’s what i’m saying to you they have no

character well they don’t tell

anybody they live off

and well at

least the twilight ones

lives off animals

and he can go outside in the daytime

what you know what they’ve done they’ve pretty much

taken the soap

opera a dying

thing they’ve

taken off the evil guy with the

patch made him a

vampire yeah

and that’s what the shows you guys are watching

is fucking soap

operas of vampires

no guys i’m not

gonna lie i bought

i bought the fucking movie

with wesley

slice spade oh

blade david spade

blade spade

let me tell you

if spain wasn’t a name for a

black guy wouldn’t be nearly as

well he fucking

met with the

chinese people i bought that shit i was like those

oh dude i was a huge

blade i was a big boy i love when

i was a kid

but that’s it that’s

where it ends

i don’t want to see all this new shit

guys are a rust

defying hand true

blood to the

vampires that’s bullshit

yeah i don’t like that shit scares

me i don’t fucking

people i was a

kid blade was my one of my favorite

comic book characters

that was a badass

yeah he’s black and he used to have

a little knives made out of teak wood

he would kill people with teak because

they were all vampires

would kill him with wood so he had wood knives

made out of this really hard wood i love that

everything else i got to tell you guys i don’t even go

hallium fucking

they change so much

about the whole

vampire lore

i mean the whole

thing what the fuck happened to

transylvania

they just blow this

motherfucker up seattle

now i want to see

where the fuck the app

phone on the iphone is the fucking

transylvania

when i was a kid you want to see a vampire we

gotta go to

transylvania

now they don’t even talk

about fucking

transylvania

just disappeared

go look at that fucking

transylvania

where the fuck is it’s in a

russian people like they had

an accent and shit like that

where they were from bulgaria

all of a sudden now they fucking spell

so if i was a

smart man everyone

should like bet

money what the next

monsters gonna be

you know it’s you know like it’s not gonna be

vampires what’s the next

thing like bigfoots

gonna come back make a comeback or so

there’s another

vampire thing by

guillermo del toro

i don’t know

how to say his name how do you say his name

guillermo guillermo

guillermo del toro

he wrote a book called the

strain and i read the book

it wasn’t that good it

started off really good it

started off like wow this is a

crazy ass vampire

movie like this is like really suspenseful

but then towards the

end it was almost like he was just trying to finish it

it’s like you know and then the guy jumps out of

the car the guy kills him it was like it was really bad

the end like towards

the end like it’s almost like he was trying to jam

a six series book

or a two or three

series book rather

into one book

so it dies but they’re

gonna do something with that they’re

gonna make that some sort of

a big event but at

least he’s a murderous evil fucking

vampire and then

he runs you know

like takes over new york city

it’s pretty crazy shit

but it just ends bad you know

maybe if they can fix the ending

but in the writing in the script

maybe it was

creatively directed

and they did a good job with it but

the writing was just

kind of clumsy at the end

but what is it

about people that are fucking obsessed with

vampires out of

all the animal

monsters all the

things to be worried

about in the world

why would it be

vampires it’s not that they’re obsessed

it’s the hot

thing right now

in two years this vampire

thing will be gone twilight

those two fucking

hafafags will be dead somewhere yeah i’m telling you i

think it’s gonna keep

going you know why i

think it’s gonna keep going

sex in the city

i didn’t understand

sex in the city i couldn’t believe that i mean

i watched a couple times i’m like yeah it’s

kind of a cool show but it’s not just

that people like it but they go fucking

crazy for it

girls love they respond to it like

it resonates

in them in a way that a guy can’t understand

you know took out your eye you

watch you go that’s funny show

but to them

it’s like a movement it’s like something that like

validates them like this fucking

movie the last one when they went to dubai

i saw more people get

fired up about

going to cj

city no you saw it though

right we talked

about that was it terrible

no it’s not bad wasn’t bad

not bad it’s not

bad i seen the

first one on

cable when the

second one came out

i was in a hotel room

you know it wasn’t bad guys i think

what that is and then

we talked about it for two

hours that’s the kind of

resonating to

entertainment for women

okay that twilight is for like

young girls

and young girl not just

young girls

women in their 30s yeah

women in their 40s yeah

it’s a romantic aspect

to the vampires that

there’s something in the

right i know how we can do it we can kill

vampires today guys we make a

movie about

vampires that cheat

i don’t know

guys vampires are

cheaters i don’t

want to be an asshole i don’t i never watch the

movies and they suck what is

what is the don’t even suck

blood what is suck cock

the whole thing of twilight

well they’re vampires

there’s a family of vampires

and they try not to eat people because they’re nice

but why are the

women in love with them is because

they see he’s

super romantic

like the you

read the book it’s all

about him being he’s really romantic

you know he’s this guy that

lived hundreds

of years ago meanwhile he’s a fucking pedo

he’s banging some high

school chick

now the whole

thing is kinda creepy

when you think

about it i mean the guy’s fucking 300 years

old and he’s hanging out with some 17 year old chick

what the fuck do you have to say to a

chick who’s 17 when you’re 300

my problem now is the

chick in that

movie you know what i’m saying

i think that

what the fuck do you have to say the biggest problem

in those movies is the

chick though she

chose somebody that’s dead instead of

somebody that just turns into a dog once in a

while but he’s alive

could you imagine if that

chick was trying to talk to you about some

stupid new song

that was out like oh my god i love this song

and be like bitch

i was around when they didn’t have cars

do you understand that i there was no

photographs

when i was born my friends had a fucking triangle that

was it yeah

we used to find our way across

oceans by staring at the stars

what do you want to talk to me about you

stupid fuck

he would just kill her and eat her

he wouldn’t be able to take that bullshit

three hundred year old man talking to a

seventeen year old girl

can you’re forty four years old

can you talk to a

seventeen year old

fuck you could talk to her like

she’s a nice kid like

so what do you want to do when you get out of college

so what are you

thinking about that

sounds cool yeah well that’s a child

this guy’s banging her

this is this is a

stupid ass fucking movie

it’s the premise is

absolutely completely

ridiculous it

would have been way better if it was a grown

woman like in her twenties or thirties or something

gets divorce branches out her own meets a

vampire falls in love that would work

just fucking high

school check

he’s going to high school

and he’s banging a

seventeen year old and no one

thinks that’s crazy

about the fact

he’s interested in her she’s fascinating to him

it’s a fucking baby it’s a baby

imagine how

young a seventeen year old girl is

to you you’re forty four

what the fuck

would it be if you were

three hundred

you know i mean

what are you

talking about what my

balls look like if i was 300

that motherfucker could

speak latin

and he’s talking to the 7

and if you’re 300

years old you’d be fucking

black chicks by then you know you’d be done with the

white race all together you’d be like fucking

maybe getting the darkest black right why

does that happen with so many older italian guys

like deniro type guys

oh yeah bill mars all black yeah

they just go fuck white bitches

i’m tired of it

i’m tired of it you don’t wanna get freaky

you wanna complain

you don’t wanna shake that ass

you’re not down for the

party get the fuck out go go i’m done i’m done alan

thicke’s all black too i heard alan

thicke alan

thicke is a cool motherfucker

i get on the side we had alan thicke on

we had him on fear factor

he did celebrity edition that dude is funny as fuck

smooth professional always got a smile on his face

one liners just coming left and right

totally naturally i was getting hilarious

hilarious would you say i was kidding

about that on thick thing

oh you didn’t make up something

about it but what about this chick

that went around the world in the raft fill me oh

that poor show

me the fuck

you know we

quit letting these

stupid young

chicks get on rafts just because they want to

break records there has to be like laws

against it savron they put it back on the boat and

yeah it’s fucking retarded

that’s what that’s what farmville is for chick

well you know what man it’s irresponsible of our

parents man it’s just flat out is there’s no way you

can have your shit totally together at sixteen years of

age there’s no way

you should be allowed not just out there

living in an

apartment by yourself or staying in a

hotel room by yourself unsupervised

you know you

might be a little bit naive

about the way the

world works you

might not have ever been fucked over

you might not

truly understand like how

deceptive people can be you shouldn’t

even let your 16 year old be by yourself in a big city

you’re gonna let her out in the

ocean you crazy fuck

you’re gonna let her get on a boat now

where did this

start it started

right here she’s

apparently like a really good boater oh

what location i don’t know

start counting them

where she going now she’s

i just want to know where it

started and

where it’s supposed i just

i just looking

pictures of her yeah i just want to know where

it ends what’s the

same what’s the

story brian 16 year old girl

16 year old girl lost

see but will

see butthole but two words two holes

first one teen

cell or lots of c

now click on images and send let me

know that there’s a butthole okay hold on

by the way have you seen that

miley cyrus perez hill this

shit blew over

we were talking about this is high

level internet geek shit that

brian is throwing at you

brian probably does this with every

story in the news always

adds i just want to see who

gets it searches

who gets the first buckle

someone will

put up a goatsy and attach it somehow with tags and it

will be on google images and he’ll hack his way out of

first position

absolutely know what happened

my girl miley cyrus

yeah so chris hilton

was showing

miley cyrus’s

vajayjay on his

website there’s a

picture of it someone took a

picture of it i don’t know alright so

miley cyrus was getting out of a car and there was

like a britney

spears crotch shot and

president put on his website he twittered it

and then a couple

hours later

the picture

was taken down from twitpick or whatever

you put it up

now the picture is fucking vagina

or whatever her name is

miley cyrus’s vagina

and people are like saying

that’s child porn

she’s 17 and

stuff like that

so then there was

this whole movement showing

the other pictures from that day

like minutes or

seconds before

and it shows her having

underwear on now

perez went on his website saying today

hey that’s not a real

picture blah blah blah it’s been

photoshopped blah blah blah

right right so

but then you go to what would

tyler durden do wtd com

and there’s

pictures of her from the same

shoot where he

doesn’t show the underwear

like you can’t see the

underwear anymore

so you think the

underwear was so

now it’s doing that

whole shit when britney spears

people did this too

they’re fucking putting fake

photos out to

cover up fake or real photos

right so that

snopes or something grabs it

and looks at

it and go oh that’s not really her vagina

yeah and it’s probably

crazy love to

do the opposite it

praises people probably too

well they should be he’s pretty web savvy

right me owns a

giant website even

if you put up a

photo of a fake

vagina on a

seventeen year old i believe it’s illegal

absolutely it’s illegal

well that’s why

on the board the mods have pulled

pictures down many times

where it was

girls that even just looked like they were

under eighteen

you know because

you don’t want to get caught with that kind

of shit man that’s some serious serious serious shit

even just like a fake

picture of a

young girl’s pussy

can get you locked up you

got a lot of problems

praise is a fucking retard

dude when he used to make fun of adam sandler’s kid

and doing all that bullshit that’s just you know

that dude just

needs to be shut up he

would be a benefit from

three years in jail i think

well that’s why that dude beat him up with the

black eyed peas whatever that’s

embarrassing listening to him

afterwards was so

ridiculous when you sit on the

couch going violence is

never the answer oh

my god yes it is

the fuck beat out of you

you want you want to fuck with people people

gonna hit you in the head

stupid the only

thing that protects you from that is the law

right that’s it

human beings want us

they want to pass that they want to just

find their way around that they want to

cause you pain you know why because

you’re putting out a lot of negative energy you know

what i want to see

jonathan lithgow

and perez in a bathtub him

choke him out from behind

so i see that

do you think that he

would struggle

no i think he

would just let it go

let it happen

do you think his butthole

would open up like a flower

flashlight and just lock

a hole to lithgow’s body and pull him into his asshole

there’s garbage disposal

his buttholes

got fucking

shark teeth in and shit just

gross so fucking

disgusting that perez

help me bro

he is so fucking disgusting as a

human being

i look at him

i don’t get it

that whole his

whole site is set up to be mean to people

and some of it’s

funny i think some of what he says is funny

but i mean i

think he could all i mean i

think we could all benefit

from a little less negativity in the

world let me

tell you something the negativity the mean

shit died by the side i know

the mean shit

doesn’t make me laugh

you know when he

shits on people’s kids being ugly or

you know call certain

women ugly you

know you don’t like the way they look who gives a fuck

unless you’re saying something really funny

you know you

shouldn’t shouldn’t shit on them like that shit on

things they can’t control what

their fucking kids look like like really

that’s just negative

you know it’s not

and the people that

enjoy that are cunts

they’re cunts the people that don’t feel bad

when someone shit on someone’s kids like whoa really

you know because they’re ugly man

what was you saying

about sandler’s kid

i used to say it was ugly

and blah blah blah and making fun of how she looked

a kid not adam sandler

his kids he’s

probably had a lot of people fuck with him

in his life

and he’s probably got a lot of pent up hostility

if i had a guess

i can’t wait to one of the

fucking rappers who don’t give

a fuck yeah

that’s what happened the will i am

thing they were so

lucky that that was outside

yeah but will i am so lucky

that ain’t enough you know i’m saying

it wasn’t will i am it was another one

because you know what he

will i am said you know

i’m a fucking

artist like respect me i’m an artist he goes

you’re not a fucking artist you’re a fucking faggot

and someone went oh no

bam this fucking hand came out of nowhere and clips him

i mean the dude

barely got hit

okay it was a scratch a tiny little scratch

violence it was nothing and he’s

screaming the next day

this is never the answer

it was like another version of

leave britney

alone it was so

ridiculous yeah

it was like that and i wonder if he was

thinking like

oh my god i’m

gonna do this britney thing

i think every

person at one

point in life needs to get

their ass kicked

you know i get my ass kicked all the time in

jiu jitsu and i

think that is very

good for you it’s very humbling to get your ass kicked

and when dudes have

never experienced

the frustration and

anger of another dude

on them taking out the physical form if you

never experienced that

you’re gonna talk a lot of

stupid shit

you know you’re

gonna get mean to people for no reason you’re not

gonna be civil

when you can be you have the

option to be a nice person you’re choosing not to be

and you’re making

it a pain in the ass for all the rest of us

someone’s gonna

punch you in your fucking head

alright and if no one’s around you’re fucked okay

no one’s around and they find you

and you’ve been mean to people for no fucking reason

talk shit on someone’s kid they

might kick you in the dick or they’re

gonna cover

their whole

kitchen with plastic and when he’s

going inside the

kitchen he’s

gonna come up from behind him with a

syringe into the neck

and he’s gonna wake up

covered up in

well you know he’s part of that movement

you guys part of that movement

where they say shit to you

and they think

that cool and then when

you smack them they down 911

well you know what fuck this

night there’s

a living in it though see there’s a living in it people

enjoy it they

enjoy all this

mean shit and

that’s that’s what the problem is the problem is that

and i’m as guilty of

it as anyone i’m not i’m not saying you know that i’m

above this in any way

shape or form because i’m

definitely not

i’ll go to those sites

i’ll go to i’ll pick up us weekly if i’m taking a shit

i see an us week

liam my guy who’s fucking up who’s doing something mean

who’s an asshole who’s getting sued

you know i drop

cum coming out of your

mouth all the time oh how rude

but you know what i’m saying i mean it’s just

there’s a part of us that likes

likes getting

upset at people there’s a part of us that likes

going fuck you man

you fucking

loser you posted before

there’s a guy on twitter you posted before

that i was gonna come up

everybody put some nice

stuff on there

one guy said fuck you tubby

you know of course

but what kills me is if you’re

gonna be a tough guy come out of the fucking internet

there’s a million

tough guys on the internet

well there’s a million fucking

tough guys on

the internet and when you tell them to go fuck their

mother in the ass

then you never hear from them

again see i don’t fuck around i tell them exactly

go light your mother’s

pussy on fire

or whatever then they don’t bother me no more this

stuff that i don’t like

okay there’s

stuff that i don’t

like i don’t really fuck with it that much you know

i lie i got into it

with a kid from

my hometown on facebook couple fucking weeks ago

a bible beater

20 years ago i was set he was selling me quaaludes

now he’s telling me that i shouldn’t

curse on facebook

uh you know

those motherfuckers i hate all that shit you

wanna hear some

negativity on the internet this is a hilarious story

and this happened

this weekend i was in

vancouver for the ufc

and apparently

i got in an elevator with some dude

and the dude didn’t say

hi to me or nothing but he said i gave him this look

like i didn’t like him

or like you know like

back the fuck off look

and then he says that he said

take care guys and then we said nothing

and then he left

the elevator like wow joe rogan’s a fucking asshole

so he goes online and makes this whole

read about me being

in an elevator with him and no conversation taking

place at all

but me being

this asshole like i’m giving him this look i

think i’m a badass and i got

short man syndrome and you know

fucking i got problems

communicating with people like it was

crazy shit and i’m like if i saw you

if you said something to me anything

if you said you know take care i

would definitely say you too man

i always say that

i i cannot you i could fucking hate you

and if you said take care man have a good day

i beg alright dude

take it easy

i would fucking respond to you i wouldn’t just

stand there

stone faced even if i fucking hated you i

would say something

i’m not a mean person

i’m not the type of person that does shit like that

so it was either one or two

things happened either he

said it and

i didn’t hear it or i responded like our dude take care

and he didn’t hear that

either one and the dude was high

there’s the other

thing so he was probably a little bit paranoid and

a little bit starstruck

but he makes this

crazy fucking thread

and then i tell him

you know i get on i said hey i’m

sorry you had a bad

experience but it was probably misunderstanding

i’m a nice guy

if you’re nice to me if you’re not retarded

you know and you’re cool to me i’m

gonna be cool to you back

i try to be cool to everybody

like it was just a misunderstanding

well the threat

he says alright cool man

sorry no big deal

well the threat keeps

going on and on and on

and he keeps commenting on it

like he keeps

going back to it and back to it like i did something

to him and then finally i come back and i go listen man

i go you’re out

of line i go nothing happened you’re making this threat

about a conversation that didn’t take

place do you

understand we didn’t even say a word to each

other like this is

crazy you’re

still going on about this

and then he comes back

fuck you i’m out of line you fucking piece

shit wow you

you fucking

short man syndrome you like one of

those chachis wear

those tight

shirts and you walk around like you’re fucking bad how

crazy is that

and i’m one well you

can’t back down now you know he has like this honor not

crazy yeah this is

out of nowhere

i mean i’m not saying anything negative to

say i’m saying he’s out of line that’s

for the guys

the elevator

with three other people

me and eddie baba okay

so who the fuck is he anyway yeah

i’m on the phone

on the way here

i stopped i’m talking to somebody

and the next

thing you know somebody comes up to me

no excuse me

i would never come up to somebody

but that’s the new trend

i’m here you joe wilkinson

you have to say something

i don’t think it was that this is what i

think it was i

think he was

a little high he was a little paranoid and i

think he’s a little sensitive and

you know sometimes people

think that people

think they’re better than you

and that fucking sucks nobody wants to be around some

if i’m around someone like an

actor someone and they get douchey i’ll say something

stupid to him

you know if i’m around some asshole actor it’s

one of the reasons why i don’t like being around actors

a lot of them play fucking games they say

stupid shit to you

they said like i was on a set with this one guy once

and we were

about to do the

scene and i’m just being cool with them all

right dude and he’s

about to walk away and he goes you have almost no hair

and he walks away i go what

like what would you say nothing

and just walks away

like he said something

to try to fuck with my head before i did the scene

like picking on my hair for falling out

so then i saw him the next day

and it was still in my head and he

started to try to fuck with me again

and then i just

said something to him like dude don’t fucking get

stupid with me

you know don’t

play little insult games with me

i go you and i will

never have a real conversation ever

again alright you know why

cause you’re a fucking

idiot i was nice to you

and you came with this you know

it wasn’t like

a joke it was like he said something like a little

slightly insulting thing

and then walked away

i mean you could say that

dude your hair’s falling out i’m like fuck you you ugly

bitch you got a

mirror and we

could be joking with each

other and we

could be friends

but when i know that someone’s

trying to fuck with me like why are you doing that

this isn’t funny

like you’re trying to be shitty with me

that happens with actors all the time

with actors you’re always dealing with little

psychological bullshit

they’re all fucking

tweaked out and

freaked out because they don’t create

anything they have to have someone come to them with

scripts and

ideas and pick them and choose them

it’s like the only art form

where somebody has to pick you

so you can perform

you know i mean if you’re a fucking

musician you do your goddamn

music you make your own shit

your comic you

write your own jokes

if you’re an actor

you have to sit

around and wait for someone to give you a role you know

i guess you

could put together your own shit and

throw it up on youtube if you want to get

crazy i ran into something that goes

along this whole line the same

couple days ago

this guy i know

wrote something to a friend of mine

that was so fucked up

like and so i took a

screenshot of it

he wrote you’re a

dirty fucking whore

your tits look like shit

obviously you’re desperate for attention get a life

three minutes

later he wrote

you are so desperate for your attention your

tits you post look like shit you’re a

funny girl who is lonely

so this guy i’m like who the fuck is this guy and i’m

going somehow he has

connection with

opie and anthony not really sure how yet

but then i go through and he has this fucking envelope

where has his full address

and so dexter

style i googled his address

fucking took a

picture of his house

and on another twitter account sent it to him and goes

that’s a very rude

thing to say

now he deleted all those

posts and stuff like

that oh my god

how you doing

his latest tweets i’ve been

i feel really sick i’ve

never been this sick in my life and

stuff oh you

freaked him the fuck out yeah

and it’s so

crazy because he has like his

pictures and his

whole twitter

is a real twitter and he’s a family guy as a

a daughter he’s a son

nothing how do you do this when you have a

daughter dude that’s

so sad but i’m really interested to find out what his

connection to the open anthony show is

cause he has all

these shots from like in the

studio with jim norton

blah blah blah

oh yeah you can find out i

know you got

pictures of them and

everything oh yeah i’m looking at it

right now okay well

we’ll send it to anthony

anthony tell us or

jimmy will tell us yeah wow

crazy people so this guy

i got on afterwards and he goes back and forth and

starts bringing up a

video of me

being an asshole to some guy from like nine years ago

as proof that i’m a douchebag i’m like

you’re trying to distract from our conversation like

we didn’t have

a conversation

all right there was nothing took

place and you made this

whole threat

about it now you’re

screaming and

swearing at me and insulting me

like this is craziness do you

understand this

and so he actually came on and apologized

and then i came on and said it’s all good

no harm done it’s just i think

it sucks when

because the fucking thread by this time

everyone’s piling on

everyone is like you insecure

piece of shit like what the fuck is

wrong with you like what are you crazy

like so many people are saying the guys crazy

and a few people i’m saying i met joe rogan

is a douchebag

someone like making up stories i just told this

fighter not to sign my autograph

which is just

fucking crazy pre

horse shit so anyway the dude

he apologizes and i say it’s all good you know i

think that we all learn

from being criticized

you know i don’t it

doesn’t feel good to say people

to hear people say you suck and to hear people you know

call you piece of shit and

and criticize you but it’s good

because when you realize that you’re having a negative

effect on people it makes you think

what is this

effect that i’m not seeing

i’m thinking i’m doing the

right thing i’m

thinking i’m living my life

what am i doing that’s making people so

upset with me

is it real what is it

is there is it a jealousy

issue is it a

alpha male issue is it a

am i being too

insensitive like what is it

i think it sucks to admit

that we all have like little little issues

but being criticized like

especially online i

think it accelerates your social development

cause it makes you

a little bit more

aware of what a

bunch of anonymous people really

truly feel about what you say

you know you don’t get that too much in real life you

know in real life you know there’s a lot of people that

especially like

until the internet came around

they were there

you know they

could bullshit

their way through

you know you

could bullshit your way and charm people but you can’t

fucking charm anonymous douchebags on the internet

anonymous douchebags on the internet will go

fuck you you fucking hack you suck

you know you’re nothing you’re a

loser you’re

gonna die like that like they’ll go

after you man they’ll go after you

but you develop two

things one you develop

a thick skin from that

where like it

doesn’t hurt anymore now it just feels

weird it’s like what is this guy doing it doesn’t

yeah what would

make you do something like that in the middle you

gotta have hate

because there’s

gotta be something

wrong with you

so what i got on

elevator with a guy having a

good day guys they didn’t hear me or whatever i get off

i go home it’s like the people go to comedy clubs and

write a letter

saying that you insulted them

that you wrote a joke or you said something on stage

what would make you go home and

write a fucking letter

about your experience in a comedy

club because

somebody said that

well here’s a lady that wrote

did i ever tell you the time that a lady

wrote about my retarded jesus joke

remember my retired cheese

i had a joke

about cloning because

there was a

group called the

second coming project

second coming project

they were going to take some dna from the shroud of

turin or some

other religious artifacts and try to

clone jesus

and they thought that that

would be the

bring back of the

messiah that

would be the

second coming

would actually be through science and that they

would clone

jesus and so

i wrote this joke about you

know cloning has not been perfected yet like dolly the

sheep she had all sorts of genetic issues and she died

young and that was considered a

success there’s a lot of failures i’m sure that we

never heard

about there were

horrible genetic disasters and fucking

monsters and shit

i’m like what if they

clone jesus and the

first one comes out retarded

i mean that’s possible you have down

syndrome what do they do they kill it

they start from scratch

or they just go

yeah maybe it’s a test it’s a test he’s testing us

instead of turning

water into wine he turns like dog shit into cookies

and i had this

whole thing where they were following jesus

everywhere i was like i want to go to the park today

don’t you think we should seal the

hip you know heal the sick or help no no no the park

so they’re waiting for him to come up with you know

the fucking answer

great humanity

well this woman got so mad she got so mad she

wrote this fucking

shoot this was i thought was really funny

about it she said

not only did he tell

this horrible joke but when the audience didn’t respond

he insisted on talking

about the same subject

instead of moving on

like she was

upset that i

wouldn’t move on like

her version

of comedy is you got to do what the audience wants

like you’re

not supposed to be coming from your own head

you only do what they like you know it’s like you’re

a band they can yell out you know do hot for teacher

and you have to some hot

for teacher

you know like

i thought it was

funny and there was people that were laughing

that’s the same

woman that doesn’t change the

radio station when

they’re talking

about boobs on the opianes

is fucking reach that’s

that’s a former retard

right there yeah well it’s also a person who’s very

self righteous

cause she thinks that she can get away

with telling people what to say and what not to say

you don’t have to like comedy

you don’t have to like my comedy it’s not for everybody

but just just

either shut up or

leave you know

don’t fucking get

angry don’t yell shit out of me

cause she’s yelling at me stop

and stop stop

like i’m talking

about your fake guy

sorry i’m talking

about a fake retarded guy that i made up

that’s killing you

remember remember one of the remember one of the

first videos i filmed for you

was i was sitting behind a guy and he was getting so

upset oh yeah

watching your show

i was filming his legs

starting to flinch

he was like fucking looking around that was

the noah’s ark shit

was it yeah he

wrote a like this long

page letter a couple days

later and we’ve had a

bunch of letters

hey joey where does the phrase when you say science

where did that originally come from

thomas dolby

thomas dolby she

blind me with science

science okay

if you ever seen the

video the guy was

our answer to

the scientist on tv in england

he’s old if you see the

video he would just yell

science that guy’s a real

he’s like our bill

nye the science guy

frank video

oh what i wanted to talk

about while we were talking

about the whole

jesus thing that i almost forgot was that

giant fucking statue

in columbus

was it columbus no cincinnati

cincinnati this fucking 70 foot

jesus got hit by

lightning caught on fire

and right across the

street from it was a big billboard for the hustler

store i love it the hustler store

like the hustler

store billboard

not a scratch i love the

quote yeah it was like

i think it’s kind of messed up that the hustler

billboard didn’t

catch on fire that’s just not

right yeah one guy said my favorite

quote one guy said i didn’t

expect that yeah

i didn’t expect

that i didn’t

expect that

i thought the

magic man was

gonna be i mean the

stupidest thing

about it is you’re not supposed to make

like idols of

jesus isn’t that like even

in the bible

you’re not supposed to like mace

you’re not supposed

to make churches even

doesn’t that say in the

bible that he’d rather have you

do it under a tree than

break wood or something like that

to make a church or

something like that

something like that

i don’t know i cannot

quote the bible

and i just i don’t know if a

guy makes no

money at the park you know what i’m saying

i don’t know a goddamn

thing in it anymore i read it when i was younger

when i lived in florida they made us read

it they didn’t make us read it but they gave it to us

and they gave us an opportunity to read it

they handed out

bibles in the class and

i went from san francisco to florida and san francisco

super liberal

had gay neighbors

my aunt used to go next door and

smoke weed with gay neighbors and they

would get naked and play the bongos together

so i was like around all

these hippies

and war protest type people in san francisco

so i moved from there to like

super religious retard florida

so i’m like

right around retards and they’re handed out

bibles and this one kid he gets his bible

i swear to god the word fucking

11 okay he gets his

bible i’ll never forget this he goes

i likes to read the bible

that’s what he said i likes to read the bible

and then he sits there all like

crazy like excited to be reading this book like whoa

what that fucking kids face

and what he said

burned into my head forever

definitely a wapner

definitely a wapner

i went to catholic

school and i don’t remember shit from that

bible it’s so fucking

three four years i went to catholic

school and i went to a boarding

catholic school

it’s so fucked up that

that people

should allow anyone to push

any ideology on

their kids everybody

thinks that

like having your kids grow up religion is no big deal

and you know it’s good for them

i agree to give

your kids some

morals and set some standards

of behavior

and to tell them

about communicating with people that

what’s important is you be positive you do good

things be a good person

and spread out that good energy

spread out love

but to make the kid

have them go to any fucking

super religious

school you’re gonna fuck

their programming up so bad

you know but no one is objective enough to see that

people just want to have good kids and they want to

carry on the tradition that

their family has seems like

religion as a

child should

start off as

in a different religion

and then move on to christianity or whatever like it

should start off as buddhist like

you know just

teaching to

be a good person and then you get into like the

what they should do is

teach you the different principles of each religion

and not say either one of them is the fucking answer

right there’s too many of them

you look at all the good

aspects of all the different religions and say well

where did all this come from

we don’t know

we don’t know

where it came from we assume

it came from some wise people

that got through

a lot of conflict and figured out some way to live life

and then they

wrote it down and some of it makes a lot of

sense even today

but when the book that you’re basing

everything on includes

treating women as

second class citizens

condoning slavery

murder a fucking

angry god who punishes people by

death and you’re

gonna burn in a fucking fiery hell

and come on just shut the fuck up just stop it

you’re talking

goofy nonsense

you know you

gotta show me something

you gotta show me a fucking youtube clip

you gotta show me something before i

wanna believe in this kind of goofy shit

this is silly

but in 2010

we still let that slide we

still say well you know

everyone has their own

freedom of religion do whatever you want but

if you start saying like

stop this is fucking

completely ridiculous

you’re saying your way is the only way

you’re saying people

should die if they

dance you’re saying

people can’t be gay and get married

you’re imposing all your bullshit on

other people and we

still accept it in 2010

except at the church of what’s happening now that’s

where i’m from cocksucking

the fucking church that matters in my book

when are we

gonna get past this when are we

gonna get past when are we

gonna step up and say

no one knows

no one knows you don’t know don’t say you know

you can’t say you know if you say you know you’re crazy

tell me your

experiences

tell me what happened

throw it in

the pile let’s all sort this out you can’t tell me

that this is the way and you’re the chosen people and

just shut the fuck up stop

all your joseph

smith and your fucking

nutty scientology stop stop

it’s all crazy

and it’s fucking up everything

because when people pretend they have the answer

it fucks up everybody else that’s

searching for the answer

because there’s an option to not even think

there’s an option like fuck

joining the

search to figure out how to live the life the best way

let’s just fucking follow what

these douchebags are doing did you

ever were you ever religious when you were a kid

i made my first communion i got thrown out of

there i got thrown out of there before my confirmation

what happened

i beat up the fucking nut

in the fourth grade

that’s what

you tell on

stage that’s a true

story that’s a true fucking

story tell me

what happened tell me what happened i was in the fourth

grade fifth

grade and my friends

i hung out with

these two little twins

and the one kid’s

mother was having a baby and he wanted to call and then

wouldn’t let him fucking call

so he’s crying you know twins are one

starts crying the other one

starts fucking crying

they crying i’m trying to

learn my fucking abcs

and i said just let him call

and she’s like mind your business little fucking

quarter pay your bill

how can you

you not let somebody call the hospital this isn’t like

a quarter joe rogan

hi this is your mother

and then none will let him so i said you know

fucking get up and go

so she’d made me and the two

other guys get up and wait outside

then she took me into the stationary closet

and bro she beat him up

first and i can hear it outside

i’m in the fourth

grade on my mom

used to always

say you know don’t let people hit you if they hit you

whatever so she takes me in the

closet and she turned her ring around

and she just

started hitting

me hitting me fucking hit me hit me hit me

where was she hitting you

in the face and shit

oh my god and i

could taste the

blood in my lip

and that’s why

i couldn’t take it no more i just fucking grabbed

and took her around and i didn’t

know nothing i just held her by the fucking throat

and i said i’m calling my

mother this is

gonna fucking stop

wow so i grabbed her titty real

quick no but here’s what was

crazy it was

a disciplinary in there that walked around with a

stick and he

would hit me in the leg and his name was jack

he had gone to the

school he had stayed there as a

teacher’s assistant

and he’s the one that lit you on fire

every once in a

while he would

light you on

fire you know what i’m saying what do you mean

he would hit you you know he

would punch you or

smack punch you

oh yeah and i fucking would

punch you oprah on the

chest and shit i had oh my god

if you went home and told your

mother you were kind of scared

i just couldn’t take people hit me i

never like that

so i grabbed her

he threatened to call he didn’t even threaten

to call the cops

cause i had

blood come out of my mouth

so i said i’m getting to the payphone i’m calling my

mother she’s

gonna come here

and we’re gonna straighten this out but the funny

thing is my

mother came with like

twenty dudes from the bar

so that we made a deal they couldn’t expel me

cause i didn’t

do none i just protected myself here’s my fucking lip

hanging like

chuck liddell

your mother

you mad at them

yeah my mother went off and then that’s when we made an

agreement stay till june this happened in april

so for two months

anytime jack got

close to me

my mother said i’ll fucking kill you

motherfucker

so for the last two

months of my fourth grade

they couldn’t even say nothing

to me and i

started revolting having other kids

it’s telling

their parents now

it’s just such a joyless religion

how can you get here so joy

i can see it

pulling my ear or give me a

punch to the back of something

let’s go to catholic

schools though i went to catholic school for

first grade

i was very religious when i was a little

kid when i was a little kid my parents got divorced

when i was five they separated and

i was really lost and i was really scared i remember

thinking like my dad’s not around anymore this is

crazy it’s just me and my mom and my

sister it’s like

it was very unsettling my mom had

to work all day and we had to be in different people’s

houses while they babysat us or

grandparents whatever

it was unsettling

and while this was all

going on i went to catholic school

and it was my

first year in catholic

school first

grade and they were so fucking mean

dude i don’t remember shit

about first grade okay

i don’t remember anything

about being six years old you know what i remember

sister mary josephine

at our lady at

chester hova

in patterson new jersey i

think was patterson

patterson or nork

i remember that i remember that fucking

scary experience

i lived there for a year okay i went to that

school for a year

and in that year i went to school

every day terrified

and every day there was this fucking cunt old wasted up

used up life none that was just evil to everyone

every day it was always yelling at you

i would cry like i missed my

mother like the

first day i cried dad let him he’s a baby

you wanna cry like a baby

he’s like six

years old crazy man that was

six years old

this fucking evil cunt

and if you didn’t do your your work

right or you didn’t listen to her or anything was wrong

she would tell you she’s

gonna make you sit on a nail in the closet

it was like a fucking pink

floyd video is that just east

coast religion or something like that

cause you guys go like crazy

scary catholic

nuns that’s

they don’t let them fuck

when people don’t get the fuck they’re not

happy period end of discussion

your whole life is no dick

how are you gonna be

happy you’re not gonna come you don’t come at all

what does a guy do he doesn’t come

is he fuck he fucks no one

he can’t even jerk off what kind of a life is that

that’s a horrible existence

it’s not love it’s not passion emotion

celebration of life

no it’s all just do

what i tell you follow my rules or you burn in hell

and let me touch your cock there’s a lot of that i was

gonna go back and talk to them

but the school was done and it’s in carney new jersey

and i was there one time and i was

gonna go over there and just talk to them but they were

that school was closed up it was a

when i got older and i

started hearing stories

about kids getting molested i get fucking angry

you know i got

angry at my mom i said how you let me go to

school in a place where

people are getting molested

you know like there’s priests that were molesting

kids i don’t get molested

no no we were

closing it it was always like they got

it got covered up fast but there was always like this

thing that they

deserve it what the fuck are they doing being

alter boys it was like don’t you know it was like this

weird little like come on

why is he being an alter boy

you know it’s like

maybe when they’re all to boys like

it was like almost an excuse

maybe he knew and he wanted it like it’s fucking

crazy so weird because like my religion

monsters man

my religion was

completely different

it was like there was a starbucks there there was

like a band you know it was like kind of like a party

that’s totally different

yeah there’s a lot of good religions that are like

ham lutheran luthor

they become

a good part of the community it’s like a nice step off

point where everybody gets together and you

know promises to be nice you know

promise to abide by the laws and

respect your friends and you have cookouts and shit and

there’s a lot of

positivity in being in a church

there’s a lot of positive shit

about any big community gathering

where everybody

agrees to be nice and the best way to get everybody to

agree to be nice to say that’s what god wants

there’s a lot of fucking

great things

about church

but not the catholic church bro

that shit that shit ain’t good

this fucking

thing that’s

going on with the

pope we’ve talked

about it already on the show but for people don’t know

the guy who’s the pope

right now is

been accused and there’s all this evidence that

points to the fact that he

was shielding

child molesters the guy

this guy who’s the pope

he was protecting the church

and shielding

known child molesters and then putting them

back in action

around other kids

that the guy went on to molest again and

the fuck there’s people that are calling for that guy

to be arrested for

crimes against humanity

you know like

christopher hitchens has called for the

for people to arrest him

and charge him with pedophilia or charge him with

child rape or

child endangerment

or that’s a

crime whatever the fuck he did

was involved

knowingly exposed

pedophiles to children listen

to to try to protect

the business of the catholic

church a movie to a different

place behave yourself

yeah exactly but

you didn’t let nobody know you didn’t let the church

know you didn’t let nobody know that this fucking guy

likes to dress up as

peter fucking pan you know

you know i mean hey i don’t mind

let’s handle the fucking problem

but don’t put

him in the witness relocation plan for priests

and ship them up to albany and two years from now

you had another molar station

ship them across the world

the philippines

then they’re at home

they do something there they ship them

to germany yeah

they just keep moving them around and i’m capital

it’s been proven

now if you what is that um

what is the fucking documentary

the documentary

the horrible one with the priest

hold on i’ll find it in two

seconds because i got it on my itunes did you

watch it yeah

i watched half of it and i couldn’t

watch it anymore

because it was just driving me

crazy it was just so horrible deliver us from evil

and this is all

about a guy was just his

whole life boys girls just molested them

molested hundreds of them

and they just move this

motherfucker around they just

moved them around

and protected and protected the church

there’s so many

of them that are doing it man it’s not like

one or two there’s so many of them it’s a percentage

it’s not like a

small number

you know it’s fucking terrifying and

a lot of it is just accepted a lot of people just keep

their fucking

mouth shut just

avoid the creepy fucks you know

and then i guess like you know

maybe some of

the kids get sucked in or like gay kids get sucked in

who knows you know but

the whole idea behind it is

ridiculous that

these crazy assholes that don’t fuck have a

front row seat to god like

they have the best connection

they got god’s

best cell phone number

it’s fucking crazy

they don’t even get a special spot in heaven

and we all grew up with it

i mean joey can tell you anybody who went to catholic

school nobody went to catholic

school and had an awesome experience

got molested that’s the

thing not even

i just beat

the fuck out of

yeah no even

beat me i think

she whacked me with a

ruler once but it wasn’t bad it was just a little slap

you know it wasn’t

anything like nobody ever did what what they did to you

don’t get me

wrong i was fucking fueled crazy

that’s why they put me there

i’m sure you

understand me i’m sure you it wasn’t for the beat that

they were giving me listen not for that be never you

never allowed to beat a kid pure

that was terrible you

never allowed to do that that’s a

crazy angry

human being that had a

she was terrible life

a lack of love

fucking bitch

they are all

angry man i

sent was a name

sister heist

marry heist

into something like that

it’s just a potential

if you had a choice between

hanging out with an old nun

or hanging out with an old porn star

who you gonna hang out with

you know pretty simple you know

hanging out with nina hartley i bet she’s a nice lady

you know i bet she

has a good conversation i bet she’s cool and friendly

and i bet her eyebrows look really creepy

her eyelashes

her eyelashes right

big crazy fake eyelashes yeah that’s old school

that’s the old

school look

that’s a hot look

back in the day

but you know what i’m saying

it’s just an unfortunate choice to

waste your whole life

in a non loving non friendship oriented

sort of a situation like that

based on a bunch of fucking

silly crazy old rules

we need as a

human being

the human beings as a race

we have to as a race get past

where we’re at right now

and move into some new way of

designing the way

human beings behave and act

and it can’t be

based on some nonsense

it has to be

based on just positive energy

and success

success as a race

success as a neighborhood

success as a

group of friends

there’s a way to live your

life there’s a way to be positive and there’s a way to

figure out a way to

spread the most

positive energy and the way to be the most honest

the way to be the most creative and the most friendly

and the most

productive and the most satisfied

there’s a way to do that and it’s not through religions

apparently retweeting

retweeting is like retweeting

is like a little positive bump

right like i just said man

retweets and pokes

retweets are

actually cool when someone cool retweets you yeah

i always forget to look though at the retweets

because i use just the twitter website i don’t use it

too much you know so i owe

you have to go to like retweets then

bye oh do you go to the twitter

website yeah

i do that did i give up on

tweet deck and all that stuff

just keeps on timing out and all this yeah

times out but i love having

all the different lines

i love having

you know my timeline

and i try to respond to

as many of them as possible some people get crazy dude

some people you don’t respond to them to get

upset you like dude i get like a hundred of

these in an hour

there’s no way i can

keep them up

when you get to like a hundred

thirty something thousand people

and you say something

funny or say something

interesting you

throw up something

i’ll get like a hundred two fifty

crazy if it’s

crazy one it

might be a couple hundred

you can’t respond to them all it’s impossible

but the beautiful thing

about twitter is

even if you respond to them it’s like a real

quick thing

nobody can send you

these goddamn

story of their lives

some guy sent me some

fucking material he wanted me to assess the other day

the guy says i’m thinking

about doing

stand up comedy

and it’s like a really

weirdly written letter like you tell the guy psycho

and he wants me to

review his comedy

and then he just

writes out his

whole fucking routine i’m like dude come on man i’m not

gonna i don’t have the time i

can’t just sit here and review your comedy and tell you

what i thought

about this paragraph it’s like fucking up two page

little email

dude you just

write back send back that

email in a tweet

that’s all you have to do

that’s what i’ve been doing lately all

these people are sending me like

brian check out this documentary

this sign doesn’t blah blah

i’m like dude

write it back in

130 characters or less and i’ll reply

yeah people need to

learn how to edit in real life too i

think twitter is awesome for that yeah twitter

is great for jokes

it teaches you to

reply in like a

short amount

like to get your

point across in the

shortest amount of words possible can

you imagine being able to tell

women that that’s how you’re

supposed to talk to me and for now on it has to be

tweet 130 words or less lady you know

mrs rogan just hit me with a

story the other day

it was about chicken

salad as opposed to a chicken salad

and this fucking story

took minutes

took five minutes

and meanwhile i’m on the way to the gym

so i’m getting

fired up i’m

ready to fucking hit the bag and shit fuck shit up

right so i’m all amped

and she corners me with this chicken

salad chicken story

about how well i always get

the chicken

salad at this place but

today i decided to try the chicken

salad sandwich

so i order the chicken

salad sandwich

but since i always get the chicken salad

they gave me chicken salad

so i got home

and i was like oh it’s chicken

salad damn it

i wanted to try the chicken

salad sandwich then it keeps

going on like i got it i got it i see what happens

on first base over

see what happened stop it

there’s a window open she’s somewhere in

the neighborhood

a callback shiny

happy jihad

somewhere in

the fucking

neighborhood

chicks love to just talk

they love like

reassuring communication some of them to it is

rash generalization of course

but some of

them just like to just keep fucking talking man

they just like keep talking yeah

i got an icy machine the

other day by the way joey this is a new

snack for you

i don’t know if you like snow or ice

told me about yeah

margarita yeah

everything yeah

you sit there

with me drop on it

130 i dropped

no i mean but it’s

great because you have this big cup of ice

so that’s like zero calories right

you get sugar free

syrups like root beer or

grape or something like that and

it’s just like there’s like icy pops remember

those frozen

pops like the bottom when it gets all mushy and

just ice it’s just like a

whole cup of that but there’s like no calories in it

i restrict myself

i restrict myself to one diet coke a week now

diet cokes yeah as i’m getting

older i’m like you’ve gotta pay

okay nothing is for free

all right and when you’re eating this

stuff that tastes

sweet and it’s not really

sweet and it

doesn’t have any calories

what the fuck is really going on

right what’s

going on man

i mean you could tell

me the diet coke is safe and i’m sure it is i mean i’ve

drinking a bunch of them nothing’s

wrong with me

you know i used to do a joke

if you get cancer from diet coke you’re a fucking pussy

no well it’s what the reality is the reality is that

shit can’t be good for you yeah but i mean it’s

like what do you want diabetes or do you want maybe

ankle cancer falsely

to have a water

you don’t have to have a coke

yeah you know if you didn’t have

water okay if you were just forced to

drink coca cola every day

and then someone gave you a nice ice cold

water you’d be like god this

tastes so good

water was like

super precious

and like there wasn’t that much of

it so you go to like a fucking restaurant and buy some

water and you know for real good

water it would cost you

like a hundred dollars a bottle like a bottle of wine

and you drink it like oh

this is delicious

god so satisfying i don’t want it to end

anyway just take it for

granted you open up a bottle but

drink it no big deal

water tastes fucking awesome

right we just don’t

think it tastes awesome because we want that

goofy sugar rush

you know that

goofy coca cola

sugar rush that we’re all addicted to

you know that

caffeine rush

yeah you know i went to baja

fresh the other day i had a chicken burrito and it’s

big motherfucking diet coke dude

it was giant and

i drank that

thing and i was

wired i was

wired i was like it was like i had a 20

ounce starbucks the big ass coke

the worst is

have you ever had like you were really thirsty at

night and you only have like a diet coke on your

nightstand and

you chug it and that’s the

worst thing i’ve ever

warmed oh yes sitting

there all night

caffeine yeah

yeah you know what’s good man i got

these new drinks

that these dudes sent me

if you’re into

not an energy

drink but workout

drinks just healthy good free

drinks a lot of ginseng and shit in them

they’re called good for you

drinks these guys sent me a

whole case of

these things they’re fucking awesome

they’re like the best workout drink as

well you know

you have gatorade

gatorade is good

after you work out but it’s like a little too

sugary i did

the right kind

oh that’s yeah that’s water i always add

water too much yeah yeah drink a little bit pour

water in i do that with all juices too

apple juice orange juice too

citric for me let’s mix it with some water

anyway these people

it’s good for you

drinks good the letter

the number four you

drinks you can

find them on twitter you can find them online

go google them

it’s the shit

you’re into a good workout

drink and they support mma

i found out

about him through

shane carwin and i know

they’ve sent

jason ellis some

some shit they’re good guys

hey talking now for a word from my sponsor

flashlight yeah you got it

again and again

ladies gentlemen

flashlight com

eight so if you masturbate

ladies and gentlemen and i know you do

let’s be real

wouldn’t you

want to fuck something that feels better than your hand

i know i do

because i know when i’m masturbating

at least half of my body

saying hey dude you’ve got a dick in your hand and it

doesn’t feels good

when you’re thinking

about that and you’re

thinking about the fact you got a dick in your hand

it doesn’t feels good

so what i propose

ladies and gentlemen is you go to

flashlight com

you get one of

these things and you fuck it

all right you got to get past the embarrassment

and i tell you from personal

experiences because i knew

about this shit i’d heard

about it on tv

ads i heard

about it on the internet i

heard about people talking

about a little

eddie bravo told me his flashlight

story before

he’s had a flashlight for a while

but i was too

proud to walk into a

store or order one online i

was too proud

to even admit that i masturbate

that shit’s

ridiculous folks

so my dad told me

about this fucking

thing that he’s

hooked onto

right now called a reserve a troll

resveratrol

it’s r e s v e

r a t r o l

yeah it’s an antioxidant

very potent

antioxidant that

exists in wine

and i’ve been taking it for

years yeah so he’s been doing like this huge he’s like

crazy research guy when he gets hooked on something

it’s actually it comes from

plants when

it’s stressed by parasites or various infections

it like the

plants like

release like this like fucking chemical or whatever

so people are taking this

chemical and putting it you know you can go to gnc and

stuff but then there’s kinds that are

mixed with like other

things that

but if you get it as pure as possible

the benefits from it

are like insane it’s saying that like

this is all in like rats

they’ve found that

let rats have it like

cancer gone away from it

this is the

way you said that you said a lot

foreign person

rats have like cancer gone

away from it

they’re saying that

it will block colon cancer and humans and

their it will

your life will you be 30

more life you live longer

and stuff like that

it’s also saying is there a difficulty

in absorption that we were talking about this before

that’s what i’m saying i’ve

heard that your body absorbs very little of most of the

brands that you buy that’s

you have to find out how pure it is

and how you do that

if you look on the bottle look to see how pure

it is you want

about 200 or

250 to 500 it goes up to 500

but look how the pure of the actual chemical of that so

250 500 what

milligrams is that what it is until

milligrams yeah

milligrams so

the higher the

milligram the more pure it is

the higher it’s

it’s just that chemical

it’s mixed with

other things so is

it mixed with what are the

other things that they put in with it like grape

yeah it’s like

grape seed and

stuff like that grape

seed is also on end

time have you been taking it

brian huh i just

started in two days but my

dad’s been taking it for

about a month now and he says

a couple things he said that

he feels like he is just non stop energy from when he

wakes up to and something that he hasn’t had in years

he also said that his hip pain he has a bad pain he

stopped taking

it for a week and his hip pain immediately came back

and he also said that

that his stomach

is always getting full faster now so

after we usually gets like

seconds i had a

dinner or something like that now he says he feels full

after the first time

your dad selling was very

troll no he’s not

he’s not he’s not

he’s not but he’s

somebody he’s somebody that like when he

find something he like

researches the fuck out of it and

stuff like if you said that

whole thing in an english accent i probably

would get online

yeah but anyways there’s a

whole thing that i

emailed you joe that you

should look for that

i have some in my

vitamin cabinet

i don’t know

i never even looked at what the dosage is though

i mean it says it blocks

colon cancer on mice

and that right now that they’re

trying to find out that the problems were not mice

yeah we’re mammals though

we’re mammals though so

they’re looking into it

and a lot of

the research they’re finding is all positive and

i’m sure there’s

definitely a

connection with

chem but there’s a lot of shit that mammals can eat

that we can’t and we can’t that they can

like dogs can’t even eat chocolate you know give a

dog chocolate they’ll get fucked up yeah it’s poison to

your stomach kill them

and if you give a

sheep dmt they die

you know that

sheep there’s certain types of

grass that have dmt in it

the sheep eat the

grass and they just fucking fall down

and their little feet just

twitch in the air

and they just boom

it explodes

their brain if you put a snail

on a listerine

strip they melt

yeah but listerine

strips aren’t

part of nature son

that’s ridiculous

well if you fucking hit a

monkey with a rock he dies

you have too much time on your hands huh

that’s all my dad my dad’s the one that

first told me though

about splendor

like seven years ago how

about all the bad shit about when people are just

getting on splinda

he was like sending me reports about how the

brain like things that’s like sugar and

like this was

seven years ago he was sending

me this shit so he’s pretty what is that coke the

sucralose wants a

weird one right

yeah it’s was splinda

asked any of

those chemicals

tricks the brain into

thinking it’s sugar

so it does the shit that it does to

fight burn off the

sugar but it’s not there

so it’s just i

guess it has a lot of bad negative side

effects it’s pretty crazy

aspartame there’s a

bunch of them now

what’s the best one

don’t think any of them got i

think actually

sugars probably

the best fucking

sure is the best one for you that’s why a lot of these

companies is though

here’s the key you

gotta exercise

you can’t just eat

sugary shit and if you’re

gonna have one of

those things you have to have a body that can

process that sugar

you can’t just be

sedentary and be down in

sugary drinks it’ll fuck your

whole system and

everything in moderation now yeah

yeah there’s nothing

wrong with a little coke in moderation the drink

yeah lately i’ve been buying those

small little mini regular the

fuck cocksucker why you looking at me you know

no i i don’t know i don’t you know it’s

funny because i went on

a diet coke

thing for a while

terry bought like 95 at costco

and i stuck to my

points and i actually gained weight

and i asked

you know how much fucking sodium is

oh yeah you got so much

water fucking kidding me yeah

so now i’ve been i got off from that i just

drink them when i go to a restaurant

and even then i don’t because i feel like they’re

gonna give me the

wrong batch of shit

right so i stopped

you know because i just don’t want it at all right mmm

yeah i’m done

you’ve been following

e3 at all this week joe and seeing all the

new shit that’s coming out with xbox sony and all that

stuff no i saw the that they made the xbox

smaller but i mean what are they

gonna do that’s really interesting

was the new

things is like

they’re all turning into

the nintendo wii with the motion controllers and stuff

but what’s really cool is like sony has this one

which is like it

looks like a

microphone or a

flashlight or whatever

but in the game you’re

in the game and then

it turns your controller into a weapon kind of like

how cgi they have the ping pongs all over and stuff

so you’re looking at yourself with a weapon and

it’s kind of trippy

so that’s the whole

thing with the xbox and

the ps3 is that it’s turning you into the controller

but i think i’m sick of all this i just want to play

video games

you know i’m a

grown man i don’t need to be

dancing around just trying to fucking

cast spells on dragons and

stuff like that right but

for a lot of

people they’ve lost a lot of weight oh yeah yeah for

people for young kids i’m sure they’re loving this shit

but you know

wii fit that wii

fit shit a lot of

people have lost a lot of weight with that stuff yeah

and they also

nintendo just released a new 3d game boy that i don’t

think you have to have

glasses for

maybe you do but i don’t

think you do and they said that it’s actually

coming out at you

what about like

that’s crazy man

what about that microsoft

thing there was a microsoft

thing they’re working on that was

like it was a motion detective

thing that we’re

gonna be able to do with

martial arts games yeah that’s it that’s one of the

things that’s what xbox

i believe it’s called

i forget what it’s called

now vizu or something i can’t remember hmm but uh

so that’s that’s my

sub version

xbox which one’s the

better version

you know i think they both look

they have both a

positive so i

might get they’re

cheap they’re 49

for the ps3 and something like that you

think we’re ever

gonna get to reality helmets you know like

alternate reality helmets you know

remember when they had those

and they were trying to do that for a while the

virtual reality

there was like a big

thing like that someday

we’re going to be able to put

a helmet on and you’ll you know

i don’t even know if it’s

going to be like that

when i was in

vegas i was talking to all

these there was a tech conference

going on there and this guy i know

from san francisco owns this

whole company

and he was telling me

about what was big in the tech shows

and he says you know the big

thing that’s

gonna be next he’s like porn is kind of dead

right now with

no dvds fucking

right we talked about

this 3d porn

right right so 3d

porn he says

he says some of the technologies

just coming out right

he’s like you know that’s

gonna be big

where you can just lay in bed with no

pants on and you feel like the legs are

wrapping around

you you know and you’re fucking sitting there with your

flashlight on and you’re

immersed into it like a helmet

he’s like that’s what’s

gonna be big

he said the tvs

weren’t even that

impressive he said what was

impressive this year at this convention

was the digital projection 3ds

it says that was just

amazing so that’s like some help me obi wan type shit

kind of yeah well

imagine having this

whole wall behind you

would be 3d

you know you’re just fucking sitting there in this

chair over here and you feel like you are in

lord of the rings or whatever it be yeah you

gotta think the next

thing is gonna be way more immersive

every step is

gonna be your wall

the tv is gonna be your wall and it’s probably

gonna be 3d

when it moves past the flat

plane that’s when it’s

gonna get really

crazy when somehow know they figure out a way to

bring you more into the action some invention that

allows you to be in

a virtual reality type of situation when you watch

movies well the guy said at that

convention they had the 40 inch tv that didn’t require

glasses he said it kind of sucked

but he said he saw just looking at it how

eventually that it’s

gonna be huge

and it’s gonna be 3d so it’s

gonna add a

depth so you walk into your room you

could have a

picture on the wall of this long hallway and you’re

gonna feel like that’s a long hallway in your room you

know what i mean

there was the

thing i went to at the

planetarium the

other day it was

one of those science shows

where you lie on your back and they take on a tour of

all the different astrological

configurations in the sky and constellations and

stuff and so

they were taking

you on this tour and all this different shit and

space and everything i was like

how intense is this like the

whole ceiling is a fucking

screen and you’re

lying back you

know it’s like almost like a lazy boy type

chair you lie

all the way back like i fell asleep even so wow

i was tired when i was there

i’m an old man fall asleep at the movies

so i’m sitting up there

watching this fucking

thing and i’m like well this is like so much more

immersive than television

like that’s what the next step is

gonna be it’s

gonna be like you’re

gonna go to the

movies but the

movie is gonna be like a ride

you know i’m saying it’s

gonna be like some

space mountain type shit

it’s not just

gonna be you sitting there it’s

everybody gets strapped into a seat

and you know you put a helmet on captain

eo2 fucking

chair moves and shit

you go on a ride

through the

movie yeah no

i think they have similar

things probably already at like disney row and

stuff i don’t

think not obviously so

yeah and they’re

only for a couple minutes till the ride

starts right you know

but oh did you ever go on the jurassic park ride

yes jurassic park rides a dope one

they have that’s that’s one of those i

think that’s the one i’m

thinking of

it’s a it’s a almost old

school no no it’s not jurassic

park there was another one that they had that was old

school a robocop

shit i don’t know what the fuck simpsons

no there was one i feel

maybe it is

jurassic park but there’s the one they had at universal

studios that was all 3d

it was i was all rather

virtual you’re in a

chair and the

chair moves and

you go on this adventure but it

doesn’t last very long

i don’t remember

which one was

but it was one of

those ones where you like wow someday this is

gonna be what

movies are like

mmm hmm you know

we need a fucking 3d avatar

we need this rather a blue avatar vagina

we need to really contact them

don’t they need to kick that up a notch

that would be a big seller

among the geeks the new

chris we gotta do this man

you gotta do

get in touch with

james cameron i’m sure he’ll

agree with it i’ll make a

smurfette pussy

one of the two just don’t tell him it’s an avatar

pussy just he won’t

agree to it there’s a new

smurf movie

coming out with little sparkles

have some little glitter on that pussy yeah

the new jackasses in 3d

and which is kind of

gross and weird here

about that yeah but you know what here’s the

thing i have this problem

where johnny knoxville

or bam or none of

those people have been

in the news at all

for like years it seems like you know

now in the last week

on tmz they’ve been in the news like four times you

know and i’m almost wondering

if this is just all

promotion for the new

movie you know

cause they’re

smart guys it’s like

oh you got beat up isn’t that what

could happen all the time

that’s right

but the problem is someone got arrested

someone got arrested and it’s on the news

right here’s an 80

ticket or whatever

first song no

no no looks like attempted murder

she hit him in the head with a baseball bat yeah

this is like some serious assault charges

some 59 year old

woman baseball batted bam marguerre outside his bar

in pennsylvania yeah

how much you run a bit

follow that follow that shit and see what

happens i’ll let that girl finally gets ryan so cynical

but so right

so right so often

you write a lot of

yeah fella you’ve called a lot of fake

things and i was like that ain’t fake and

you like fake fake it’s fucking fake you get angry fake

well what’s

crazy is when tmz

first announced it

they were like he’s in critical icu condition

you know blah blah’s looking bad and then the next

thing is like

oh just talk to johnny knoxville

he said he was

like he was a heavier yeah

what were some of

the fakes that you’ve called in the past you’ve called

quite a few fakes

well you were way

ahead of the curve

well there was one that there was like this really

horrible fight

and somebody had filmed it and it looked like

the dude was

punching the guy

that fight see

i think they

added sound

effects to a real

fight they totally

added sound

effects to a real

fight and it looked really bad because

it was the same noise

over again it was not synced up

i blew up that

video so you can

see where the hit

you know that’s true but i recognize from

years and years of

watching dudes get fucked up that

was real that guy got punted in the head when he was

unconscious

and his whole

body moved dead image

you know what it was that’s a real

effort i don’t think we

ever have told you i

found out what happened

about that video was actually made for one of those

shocking tv

and so they

you know how like america’s funniest home

videos like ads like oh no

voices and stuff

they pump it up

that’s another

thing by the way

i don’t know if you guys ever seen this like

america’s funniest

home videos don’t do it as much

but any of those like

send in your

video type shows

if you really pay attention they don’t

want to pay people and

stuff like that for certain things

most of the

voices are all done by the same guy so it’s like

hey honey come over here and look at this

and then you see here the same guy like two

videos later go uh oh

honey look out

and then you realize

it’s just one dude

and it ruins the

whole show for you so next time you

watch one of these

video shows

listen to the

voices it’s just one guy

redoing all

these words like oh no look at this

you could tell us the same guy it’s horrible

brian you’re ruining

childhood memories

you’re crushing

dreams right now

talk to me about

carlos can’t

do it what the fuck

fucking wolf carlos

and roy mcdonald what a

fucking fight

battle royal

that kid is a that

first of all props to

carlos conner

for coming back

after those

first two rounds the

first two rounds he was getting beat he was getting

taken down yeah

he you know he’s getting

clipped a little bit on his feet but he tacked that kid

quite a few times too

and the kid

you know kid took some big shots

a lot of people are saying you can’t take a

punch i’m like you’re

crazy carlos

condit rocked him on the button

and he was coming forward

i mean no one

takes good shots when they’re coming forward

when you’re coming forward that’s when you can get hurt

and you know

they had a rock’em sock’em

robots fight and then

carlos condit

pulled it out at the end

got him down and just

started blasting him with elbows man

hit him with some hard left

elbows oh my god

fucked his eye with

his eye up and you know what

the kid has massive class man

after it was over and i interview him

he was so classy

like the way he handled it there was no ego no bullshit

the kid was like you know what he kicked my ass

he was the toughest guy i ever

fought you know i was like asking him do you thought

they think the

fight was stopped prematurely

he was like no

no he was kicking my ass you know the kid was just

ultimate class and honesty and just

way handled

himself you know and he’s so fucking talented

and he’s like one of the

first guys being 20 years old he’s one of the

first guys that

started out

training mma

i started out as a

wrestler or kickbox or whatever

he started out

learning the

whole sport all together as one

thing so it

pretty impressive to

watch that kids got a super

this homework on call yeah

you know you could tell

what have you

heard about the

first fight fuck

that wasn’t

anything other

it’s unfortunate yeah they’re

gonna redo it

they’ll definitely redo it

dana knows the fans want to see that fight

again that was just a mistake even

if he made a mistake

it happens man being a

referee is very hard

what about my

boy tyson griffin that was a good

fight that was a

great that’s a great kid

that kid evan dunham

is a stud that

is he’s fucking good he’s a

great fight

this week by

the way stand up is good his fucking

jiu jitsu is good

how dares are they

thinking are

they in the middle of the goddamn park

they knew better they shut that shit off

that’s probably my manager

she’s probably

thinking about like

calling me to tell me that you’re talking

about the flashlight too much

that was a good

anyway that was a good fucking car there were some good

fights yeah

what’s up with pat barry’s he

broke his foot and he broke his hand

he broke his

knock on when he

punched crocock

in the first round

and he dropped him the

second punch he hit him with he said he felt his

knuckle give out and then he

apparently broke his foot somewhere in the

fight too his foot swole up like an elephant foot fuck

pictures of it online like

he has the two feet together and one of them is like

literally twice the size

that’s nasty what a

great fight though

whew that was fun

that was a fun

fight and fun comeback too

watching crow cop turning on at the end and

blast them and then take his back and choke him

and then krohkop campaigned for the

submission of the night

that was a good start

yeah tell him

man what do you call him stingy yeah

i don’t remember what he said but it was pretty

funny in fact that

was it for him man i hope that’s his last fight

i really do because he’s been talking

about retiring

i hope he chooses to go out that way

it’s nice to see a guy go out on a high note

that was a high note that was an awesome performance

at the end he addressed the

crowd and addressed the croatian fans

and it’s pretty cool i gave him the

microphone and

i just gave it to him

it felt like

i said something to him

he was so proud and so

happy and he

could feel and i was

happy for the guy

and the crowd was

going nuts and everybody was happy

and i looked down i saw

those croatian flags and i remember him talking

about how many croatian fans are

going to be here in vancouver because a lot of

croatian people live there

and i said do

you have anything to say to your croatian fans out

there i see you got a lot of support and the

crowd goes nuts all the croatians go fucking apeshit

and then i just knew i was

going to give him the mic and he knew i was

going to give him the mic i didn’t say anything to him

he didn’t say anything to me

i just handed him the mic and he took it and he

started walking

and pacing and talking in his native language

and the crowd went nuts it was just a beautiful ending

if he decides that he

doesn’t want to compete anymore i mean who knows he

might decide

he might be saying

that now because it was a lot of stress but they’ll get

fired up and get back in there

again because it was one of his

best performances in a long time he looked real good

especially in that third

round you know

when he had barry

backed up and he was nailing with punches

he was looking

sharp dude he

was nailing him with some fucking hands you know

so who knows man he

might decide he

might decide to keep my fucking

heartbreak my lidell

broke my fucking heart man

but it’s good but

this is seem

to me it seems like it’s happened like the last

three fights it’s broken my

heart i thought i didn’t know he was even

gonna fight

again i was like really i mean

cause he’s been getting

knocked out with the last

three fights he got

knocked out yes

i mean it’s like i

think it’s well

he’s done last

fight well you

gotta look at the two ways one way is the last four

fights actually

you know he had one in there with vanderlay

in between and the

keith jardine one actually was

after the rampage loss too so two

you gotta look at it two ways one you

gotta look at the fact that the guy is

fighting top

level talent i mean

rampage knocked him out

you know he got

knocked out by

rod and he got

by shogun and then he got

knocked out by ace

rich franklin so you

gotta think

about these are

those are four killers

you know yeah

it’s unfortunate yeah

it’s very hard to

watch him lose like that

especially when you grow

like you know

basically i came up in the ufc

watching that guy

fight one of the

first the first

fight that he ever had in 1998 i was there live

i saw him fight

i think he fought

think the dude’s name was

knowing hernanda

no way gonzalez no way

knowing hernandez

knowing hernandez

though is the comedian

knowing gonzalez is the comedian

knowing hernandez

is the fighter

right the guy had really said that

i always go what

he fought a

boxer a real good boxer and it was a good fucking fight

and i’d seen a

bunch of chuck’s

fights i saw

the fight that

he had i wasn’t there live of course but i saw the

fight that he had in brazil

against pele

in valley tudo

this is back when pele

was in his prime pele

was one of the baddest

motherfucking muay thai guys to ever come out of brazil

and he’s one of the guys that helped

train anderson silva

and he was the best

shoot box guy

knocked out matt hughes with a knee

knocked out a lot of dudes he was a killer

so anyway pele

is fighting

chuckleddell

and he fucking head kicks them

ba boom i mean with a shot that

would kill a normal man

chuckles down

gets right back up

he had kicked him

twice in that fight and

dropped him in the fight

chuck’s on top

of him beating the fucking shit out of him

bare knuckle into

the netting on

the bottom of the rope the bottom of the rope has a net

okay so that you can’t

slide out so you got to

get stuck in there and take your beating

so chuck’s on top of him just fucking

punched him in the face

i mean it was a bare

knuckle old

school no rules war

i mean this is the kind of

fight that that guy was involved in

he wasn’t just involved in the ufc

five rounds

for the championship

title five minute

rounds nevada

state athletic

commission presides over it no no no no

in brazil in the jungle okay you know i’m talking about

he’s fighting that no one in the audience has

shoes on okay

either fucking

screaming and yelling

those ivc valley tudos

those were savage

fights man there was

always like

brawls would

break out henzo gracie got

stabbed in one of those okay

he’s fighting

with tatio i

think that’s the guy’s name eugenio tatio

who’s an old

school lutolivra

guy and henzo

of course old

school brazilian jujutsu gracie family guy

and they’re fucking battling out and the

lights go out okay somebody kills the fucking power

you know and there’s a lot of speculation who did it

maybe they thought that someone was getting

their ass kicked who knows

there’s a fucking

crazy mad scuffle goes on henzo

gets stabbed okay

fucking people are

stabbing people in the audience i mean

these are the kind of

fights that

chuck liddell went through

i mean he did it all he fought in the early days

he fought in the

first time in the

ufc he was wearing

shoes he was wearing

wrestling shoes kicking dudes

you know there was like very few rules

you know things were totally different back then

and that guy’s been through so much

he’s been through it all it’s just

the last few guys that he fought he’s a step below

he’s a step behind

where he used to be

if he was fighting

lower level competition like say if they put

chuck against

say some of the guys that

fight at two o five in the

ultimate fighter or some guys that like lower

level gods don’t have the kind of

stand up the ass

he’ll be fucking a lot of dudes up do you

think though that

brain that his

brain just wants to go to

sleep though it knows that like hey i know what a

knockout is now i you know i mean

he’s lost his chin

that is what everybody says

and that is what happens with fighters

that is what happened with that

there’s no getting away from that at a certain

point in time

i mean it happens

joey knows it happens with football players right

i mean whatever

once they got hooked on it they

never got off it

yeah when guys

start getting

knocked out it’s just when you’ve

taken a certain amount of concussions you know

he got hit on the side and he went out

i will talk

afterwards because nobody

you’re not miked up

but you know what he’s a

he’s a legend

and he’s a guy who’s had a gigantic career and he was

one one of these

when he was in his

prime he’s one

of the scariest guys ever one of the most

exciting fighters ever when you went to see a

chuck liddell fight

you knew that someone’s

gonna get their fucking ass kicked you know

and it was gonna be brutal

you know he was

gonna smash somebody he was

gonna get a hold of you he’s

gonna kick you and

punch you and smash you

remember the

first time he

knocked out

randy couture

it was like oh shit

he can knock out

randy i mean

randy had been in there with pedro hiso

randy had been in there with maurice

smith randy had been in there with big

strong knockout

high level kickboxer

heavyweights

and they had

knocked him out

but to get in there with

chuck and chuck

blasts him to

orbit with one punch

the way he could

knock dudes out

there was very very few

human beings that could

stand in front of

that guy when he blasts

like a lot of guys who have a very

particular style

once you know

once your reflexes

start to go a little bit

once you’ve

taken too much punishment you don’t have

other ways to win

the more ways you have the win

the more unpredictable you are the more

successful you’re

going to be

it’s like gsp he

doesn’t even hardly get hurt

he got hurt by matt

sarah but he got clipped and

he says he didn’t take

sarah he took

sarah a little bit lightly

but if you if you’re

the type of guy that nobody knows what the fuck you’re

gonna do whether you’re gonna

shoot and go for a takedown

or whether you’re

gonna stand in bang if you’re

cautious but you know when to attack and when to move

you gotta be like

always one step

ahead it can’t just be

just run in there and brawling and

chuck was so fucking good at running there and brawling

he had such a good chin it was such a good

counter puncher

you know he kind of

based his whole

style on that and because of that he was the most

one of the most

successful guys and one of the most

exciting guys

but you know

that’s not the

style that allows you to keep

going deep into your 40s like

randy couture

he’s got a safer

style like he

stands with

guys but he just wants to get a hold of your ass

he wants to get a hold of your ass

press you up

against the

cage beat the fuck out of you kick your knees

kick your legs rather knee you in the legs

elbow you punch you get that

dirty boxing going

and then hopefully get your ass on

the ground beat the shit out of you down there and then

choke you you know

that’s how randy’s rocking it these days

especially like in the colman fight

oh that’s hot

sorry in the coleman

fight you get to see him

you know in the coleman

fight like he had a totally different strategy

beat coleman

standing up and then took coleman

down choked him you know he’s

diversifying adding more shit to his game

i think if chuck had done that in this

fight he would have been

you know a lot better off but

i think he hit so fucking hard and

he’s so used to

blasting guys he has so much success

that it just feels good to him once it

starts going he just

chases these

motherfuckers down

chases these

motherfuckers down he wants to

blast them but

franklin caught him with that

really well timed

right hand and he caught him over committing

so chuck was moving forward

and he just

catches him with that counter

so even though it didn’t look like the hardest

punch in the world

rich is a hard

puncher and

chuck was moving forward

and so it was a hard shot man it busted open his lip

did you see what his lip looked like

it looked bad

a big big cut so it wasn’t like it wasn’t like

you know a shot that shouldn’t have

dropped them that shot could have

dropped anybody

it was that was a hard shot

and i think two years ago when i

dropped them i

think it would have rattled them a little more

maybe i think he’s gotten this in his head it’s

you know when i had to

sleep apnea at first

i could when you

first have an extreme

you wake up like this joe

so what happens is

every time you lose your breath when i was 400

pounds every time i chase you

or walk and i lose my breath

right my body was

going through anxiety

that’s how that’s why i had to go to accu

so your body

would start

thinking about the

trauma that you’ve had in the past

when i got us when you have

sleep apnea you wake up choking

you wake up on your feet

going like this

you know grasping for air

so every time i ran out of air for a long time

even on planes there was just

a connection

just a connection in your head okay so there’s that

and then on top of it just

the raw data that we know

about people that take concussions

you cannot take too many

concussions oh you don’t want to yeah you don’t want to

you know they’re putting a finger

like i told

eddie and he goes well

sakuraba came back and he just

started covering himself i go the weight

chuck is right now

somebody would just hit his hand and he

could hit himself and

knock himself out

that’s how sensitive that switch is

and it’s a shame

i’m his biggest fan

well he took a couple shots before that yeah no

no he took some shots before that

but not right there bro

he took one to the head he took one

i like to go back to and

watch the fight

again but i remember him getting clipped

a couple of times yeah he got clipped a couple times i

heard the whole

place smelled like weed was

that true oh my god dude when i went to the bathroom

i went to go take a leak and as i was running back

to the bathroom it just stunk of weed in this one area

and it’s the same area

where dudes were

stealing dude’s hats

that was just

those guys were

baked as fuck

they were snatching hats off people’s heads

as they would

walk through the tunnel

on the way to the

arena you know

their music song they got

their hat on

their focus and

he was just

snatching dudes hat top

wow and there’s all these

animated gift files online of the guys

doing it and it’s

hilarious this

is the same guy that got these big

stupid shitty and grins in

their face like ah

that’s awesome and the funniest one is when he

tries to get martin campman’s hat and he

just misses

he just misses

i got champ

and walks by and you see the guy like

you gotta retweet that

later oh yeah i will i’ll find the link

the funniest material i

heard all week

was the son of

sarah palin

he’s losing his mind just like

sarah palin

who’s the son of

sarah palin

jail son of

chill son the son of

sarah you know

chill son and

he stole a disease and a sorry joke

it was like doing one of his speeches

about anderson

silva and his manager and he did an disease joke

that’s awesome

he called an algebra brother you

gotta bust it on that you can’t do that

one is a punching bag and the

other one i’m not

worried about wow

he said that no garri’s

black belt you

get a mcdonald’s and a gift set or whatever the

happy meal or

some shit he’s the best shit talker by far

he’s a fucking nice guy too man

when you talk to shale

sunden like outside he’s a fucking

funny nice guy

he’s just real good at talking

shit he’s a politician and he can fucking fight dude

this is a lot of this buffoon

and all this emotions that he’s

charging up and this is all like there’s

you think about what damian maia

got mad or got anderson

mad at damian maia this is what he said

he said i respect anderson

as a fighter i don’t respect him as a person

whatever the fuck that

means to anderson why i don’t know but that made him

crazy he got so

angry and so we

never seen anderson

standing in

front of a guy yelling and

screaming at him

calling him

rich boy and

show me your

jiu jitsu and

swearing at him saying all

these different swears

and then just beating his ass and mocking him

never seen anderson

do that before to anybody

and damian maya is

generally known as a

really nice guy and respectful guy and a martial artist

but that one

statement whatever the fuck it meant

threw him into a

tizzy what is

gonna happen when he gets in the cage with

chels sunnah

chels sunnah

has talked so much shit

about them making sacrifices

to pygmy gods and fucking all kinds of nonsense he’s

going fucking nuts oh he’s going

on the south

he doesn’t stop he

doesn’t stop that’s our

palin son dog

his twitter is just

rampant with

it his twitter is all like him talking shit

i’m gonna almost

follow i have not even seen this

thank you for opening up my eyes he does

these question

answers i missed the one he did in vancouver

i missed the

other one before that but everybody was talking

about that it said it was the funniest fucking q amp a

by far it’s on my facebook somebody said yeah

peter fogel

the guy had willy barsena

broke his nose

emailed it to me

well he just did another one

he just did

another one okay this is the one so this is his

second q amp a he’s

done two of them so far pumping up the anderson fight

dude he’s fucking hilarious but he fucked up when he

stole that as he’s in a sorry joke

the internet is not

gonna let him ride that out

have you been to a website called

wolfram wolfram

alpha yeah we were gonna talk

about this wolfram

alpha for people who aren’t

aware of it is this project

where they’re trying to take the next step

after google

and it’s trying to be a website

literally that

you ask it a question it gives you an answer

right it’s so cool because

like i put in my birthday in the weather

and i got the exact

temperature

when i was born to the

exact hour i got the lows the highs during the day the

cloud cover the

population of columbus at that time the

humidity the pressure the winds i got

so much shit that if i was like

would dock from back to the future i

could totally get to the right

second of the

day that i needed to go back in time with you know

but this would give

you the information for that you know it’s really funny

that you just brought that up and that you’re talking

about this cause

there was a subject that was on the message

board the other day

that i thought was really interesting there’s this new

scientific discovery that they found

where they do

believe that it’s possible that the universe

might be far

older than 14 billion years that’s what they

think it is now they

think it’s like

150 billion

and it’s just this

small group of scientists and

astronomers

that have this possibility in

their head and

it hasn’t been

sold yet entirely but

when you start

thinking about

stuff like that

people there was like an argument on the

board and the argument was

there’s some things

about the universe you’re

never going to be able to know it’s

pointless to even try

you’re never

going to know when the universe began

how the fuck

do they know that how do you know that you’re not

going to ever be able to know

we are if our

understanding

is constantly increasing okay what we know

today is so much more advanced than what we knew just

a hundred years ago or 200 years ago or 300 years ago

you know a couple hundred years ago

to get around you had to be on a fucking animal okay

you wanted an

image of someone you had to draw it

there was no cameras

think about that

that’s just a couple hundred years ago

we don’t know what the fuck kind of

innovation is

going to come up a couple

100 years from now

or a couple thousand years from now it

might very well be possible that not only can we

decipher exactly how the universe began

but we can probably

we’re probably

going to be able

to get an accurate map of the history of the planet

from the very

beginning to now much more detailed much more precise

than we have

today we’re probably

going to be able to recreate or

encapture every single moment of

every single day

of every single

hour that’s ever existed

it’s all very possible man

they’re gonna get crazier and crazier with time

they’re gonna get

crazy and crazier with

breaking down

the quantum mechanics of the universe you know when you

start getting into like

you know the

crazy subatomic

particles that disappear and reappear and

exist in two different

places at the same time or

in a superposition and

these things that they don’t

understand well as we get more and more

understanding and know more and more

about the weirdness of the

world we’re

gonna be able to figure out how to fucking decipher it

and it might be that like

a time machine

when they invent

a time machine or something like that or

whatever the fuck you want to call this next stage of

understanding

matter when they invent it

the idea of a time machine is the only way you’re

going to be able to

travel back in time is once the

first time machines invented

so they’re going to invent a time machine

and you can’t go before that

but what you can do is anything from that

will be able to come back to that point so

everything that

exists from now

until whenever

you can access it

as soon as they invent a time machine

why not why fucking not

shit’s gonna get

crazy if you can do this nobody

would have ever thought you

could be able to do this if you talk to someone in

shakespeare’s day

and say do you

think there’s ever

gonna be a time

where i take something out of my pocket

and through the air

i ask it a question like you could

i mean wolfram

alpha you can’t do that but you can do that with google

you could google voice it

what year did the

sistine chapel get built

bam they tell you instantly

and if you get if it gets to a

point and it’s

got to if you got the google if it gets a wolfram

alpha point

we can have

you can ask it a question you can give it any answer

or it can give you any answer on

any question of anything that’s ever happened ever that

human beings are aware of

and you’ll have all the information

right there

we told that to people that

lived in shakespeare’s

day they were told you had her fucking mind

it’s gonna get crazier than this

it has to cause

everything gets crazier

what the fuck is next

sometimes i just

drive in my

car and i sit in traffic and i go what the fuck is next

is there gonna be some

crazy new thing that’s

gonna change

everything like

is it are we in a race

between human beings

figuring out what the next

thing is the next

crazy innovation is or

us just completely fucking

everything up with

polluting the fucking

ocean and you know

nuclear explosions

and and wars and all that other

crazy shit like

are we in a race

between like

human retarded chimpanzee

instincts and technology

you ever thought

about it like that

like when we talk

about like the like this peak oil

documentary that we

watched we thought was bullshit

but the idea

of peak oil is a terrifying idea if it was true

and if there was a finite

amount of oil and they do bust

into it and then we have were fucked we have no oil

things could get really crazy

that is really possible but

are they going to come up with something that’s

going to replace that and make

everything better and make

everything even more advanced and more simple and

more natural to the environment are they

going to figure that out

first or are we

going to run out of

supplies and resources first

is that a battle

is it a battle between the

human retarded

monkey chimpanzee

behavior of take take take don’t think

about the future

and technology and

innovation and the ability to harness matter

i think whatever happens is not

going to happen during our

lifetimes you don’t

think so no

i think something

crazy twenty

more fucking

things that happen a lifetime

twenty years ago when you finger banging that

chick behind bowled

up boston high school

you think there

was gonna be a milkshake

thing with a

pussy in it

shake up the arm

it does the same shit

guys every year we get

something new technology every year

every year there’s

gonna be after we think the reaction’s

gonna be to all this oil in the ocean

it’s gotta be a reaction

it’s gonna be there’s gonna be innovation

it’s a horrible horrible disaster

but there’s gonna be

some west coast that’s all i

you know i mean hopefully like what if jersey

shore and the whole east coast

beach gets destroyed

and all those

people for summer vacations want to come to the west

coast this summer

it might be fucking they won’t fucking

that’s too much of a

drive bro those jerseys need

to go from fucking

point a to point

the problem with that

show is there’s so many people like that and now they

think they can be

famous too yeah no

they can dude

get on a fucking jersey shore bro

i’m fucking auditioning for that i’m fake tanning

every day glendale lately

no dude glendale’s off the hook now i mean

version yeah the

fuck you ever

see that to psycho mike from k rock in la that the

thing that he did the

video about a

about glendale

no dude it’s hilarious

love it it’s all armenians and glendale

i forget the fucking bit it’s a really really

funny song dude it’s

ridiculous this one

place this one

place i go to called

sushi joint

it’s like this

chains this

strip mall that has like

ernest outdoor

stores and there’s a

sushi place

but all the

stores are like fashion outlet and then like

the windows are all black

and stuff like that and then the next

thing is like something else but what’s

weird is if you go by there at like two in the morning

none of those

places are open but yet

every single car

there’s like a hundred cars in the parking lot

it’s like what the fuck

is going on that’s how glendale is

everywhere you

drive you see

these fake rug

stores and shit you know it’s

party like an arm oh

party like an awesome song

apparently i’m

going to watch that later

yeah somebody sent

i think opie i

think that’s the video i think opie

from opie and anthony twittered the other day

nature’s little

flashlight and it was a monkey

using a frog to whack off like a flashlight

yeah that’s old school video but

it is a funny video the monkey fucks that frog’s mouth

that’s what

monkeys are down for they’re down for rape and shit

you know we think about

those chimps is that like like bj and the bear and we

think they’re all cute and shit

then you find out

about like that chimp that

ate that lady’s face and that

other chimp that fucked that dude up and

ripped his balls off and ripped his feet off chimps eat

babies man there’s been recorded instances of chimps

stealing babies and eating them

what the fuck joe rogan

why you gotta bother

me with this shit

why i gotta

was sitting here having a good time like gentlemen

you got to talk to me

about chimps eating

babies what the fuck kind of

table conversation is this cocksucker

he hit the two hour mark with me

that’s the two hour mark yeah

all right we’ve come up with one subject and we’re

gonna wrap this up joey

that’s up to you

the subject

you had a good one

before you fuck brian you had a good one and

stuff what was i talking about

you remember senior old surfer

no the other one before that you said you were

gonna bring it up during the podcast oh

i thought i don’t remember

i can’t order an iphone

what kind of shit is this you’re the fucking captain

kirk of this program

he couldn’t

order an iphone

one more time for the i

was i was one

more word from our

sponsors i was

up from 1 a m

till 3 a m just trying

to access the iphone oh no i know i wanted to talk

about that fucking guy that christian warrior

went looking for a sacra bin

laden yeah yeah yeah that’s what i wanted to talk about

if you don’t know this

story there’s a fucking dude who is this just old

white guy who’s this christian warrior from america

who put a fucking he got a

sword he took a

sword with them and a gun

and he went to the fucking mountains of pakistan

and he went

to the mountains of pakistan to try to find osama

bin laden to kill him and they caught his ass wow

like what are you doing dude

did they put him in jail

i can’t believe they didn’t kill him

i mean this guy was sitting in kentucky

somewhere and he said one day fuck it

i’m sick and

tired of waiting for something

live this shit’s been

going on for ten years

yeah that’s he

borrowed money from his cousin

and he said fuck it i’ll go over there like a boy

scout you made that grace your

bitch if you ain’t

first you last here’s a

story a fifty two year old american

citizen who said he was

searching for osama

bin laden was detained

in pakistan near the border with afghanistan this week

his name is gary faulkner from

california was

carrying a pistol a sword

night vision

equipment and christian religious books whoa

that might be the last guy in the

world you want looking for you

the last thing the last dude in the

world you want is a

fifty two year old man with a

sword and a

bible and he’s

he flew to the

other side of the fucking

world to find you

he’s got religious books a gun

and a bible

and a sword

wow oh my god

dude there’s guys like

doubt doubt

they’re out

there they’re out there they’re out there they’re

ready to go

you gotta remember that

sometimes it’s good to go online and

watch some fucked up videos

just to know that guy’s out there i don’t like

watching murder videos

i watched one recently

the mexican drug lords killed this fucking guy

they cut this guy’s head off they showed it on the

video yeah they put that shit online

come on yeah whoo

now on youtube

i don’t know i stopped

watching as soon as he

started cutting his

throat fuck that

shit yeah i’m

gonna need to

watch the whole thing

apparently he cuts his

whole head off the guys squealing and making

noises and so over that crap there’s coming out of his

whole like it’s

apparently it’s horrible takes a

while for them to saw his

head off and that’s how they kill him

hard to watch man

hard to watch they tied this dude up

you know just fucking cut his head off on

video next time you see a

video like that

go to cakefart com

and watch that instead and refresh your memory like

fucking gingers

cake fart dude it’s just this

woman that puts a cake down

and then she sits on it

and then she farts into the camera

and this the

icing and everything bubbles it’s

such a little fucking weirdo

i just think that

would be cool at

all because that

would be like ginger to your fucking

taste buds after

watching a deheading behead

i think all you up and tell you

about these websites

yes well it’s on my website my message

board you know i go to when i go to joebrogan

net that forum

i mean the forum

right now is

over three million

posts some guy

emailed me that though go to cakefarts

com and watch that

video that’s good

just in the main form there’s two million

seven hundred

thirty seven thousand posts now and then you

count the retard room

and all the other

shit on there

there’s more than

three million

posts or anything that’s fucked up anything that’s

crazy in the internet whenever it comes out

it’s like a portal to all

things interesting and fucked up so

just it’s my own website so i can’t get away from it

if there’s anything nutty that’s out there in the

world i have the choice whether or not to

watch it but i

don’t have the choice whether or not to know it exists

cause someone’s

gonna put it up there

you know like that

human centipede i

dodged that

human centipede

video for a long time

cause i thought that it was like a short clip

something fucked up like like

somebody who’s mutated or someone who did something

crazy to somebody

then turns out it’s just some nutty horror

movie you know the whole

story behind the

human centipede

did you go fucking see splice

no i downloaded it but the people who

even who are

pirating it

don’t like the

movie so like they don’t care

about the quality of the torrents

right now so i have

to wait till

because it’s so bad i couldn’t even

watch it was like i can

i’m not gonna pay to see this

movie the bad version

yeah it was a horrible version like that halfway

through the cameraman’s like oh this sucks

there’s nothing

funny little ones

where they do it in a

movie theater

when someone like how did it get away with that shit

just put a little fucking tripod on that the little

thing where the soda sets

they put a tripod

in there jack that sucker up and keep an eye out

for the guy

they got caught the door

people’s gotten caught just how they got caught no

they were going to a theater in chicago so that

big chain took

codes and you have them on the top side of your screen

right so it narrows

it down to the theater

uh huh and that’s how they nail you know so they can

break down the the images they can find

the movie boom they go

to the top and then it was out of theater out of like

where we go what’s that club we went to

it wasn’t chicago but it was

the one with the owner

sean it’s right

right in that area because i’m showing it

and it was an amc

and amc said fuck it so they

put codes on

the film now but how they know who did it though

they don’t know who

did it but i

guess the theater is getting

charged for it

so they have

to make sure

they have ushers that go in and look for cameras and

they find the theater

right with this theater

here at this theater

here this ring

all the ushes were part of the ring

oh so that’s how they knew that it was the

screen on dude i used to buy

old school bootlegs back in new york

walk down the

street be walking

home from a comedy club and there’d be some fucking

guy was like had a little box out looking for copy

these are the same

people they just put that put the

video on the computer yeah

these guys would do it

on vhs they

would make copies and

every fucking

copy would be you know

shittier and shittier

so if you came to do like a couple weeks

after the movie was out you getting like

fourth and fifth

generation vhs

copies of some fucking

bruce willis

movie so tomorrow you’re

gonna have bill burr

on the bill burr

is coming to tomorrow at

three o’clock cool

this weekend i’m in

three different places

i’m going on

a fucking mad canada tour

i’ll tell you

where i’m at right now

and we should

why at the end we

should always sponsor

is fleshlight

calm i know but

in the contract

we have to do at the beginning in the end really

yeah we have to say contracts

marsh smart

track all right

i’m in saskatoon

on thursday

night at the saskatoon arts and convention center

i’m in grand prairie alberta

at the cran

prairie regional college

and then i’m in winnipeg

and at the burton cummings theater so this is my

just three canada stop weekend

um looking forward to that canada is always a good time

they won’t let joey

diaz up there

cause he’s a fucking criminal

you ever try to get to canada

yeah they turned me down two years ago what do they say

they didn’t tell the

club what it was it just said my passport was no good

and i didn’t know what it was i you know canada

doesn’t let

you in if you have assault they don’t let you in

if you have a felony they don’t let you in if you’re a

drunk driver they don’t let you in if you fucked up at

all and they don’t fuck around man

but you know what

it’s one of the reasons why canada is so nice

canada is fucking

nice man people are nice as shit up there

especially in vancouver

cause vancouver

doesn’t really get that cold

you know doesn’t get like boston cold

and snows a

little bit here

and there but it’s a lot mostly rain in the winter

you know pretty temperate climate

a little rainy and shit you know gets

rainy but god damn it’s cool up there

restaurants are awesome people are cool

the ufc there was fucking fun as shit

i had a good

time but i it was it sucks i couldn’t do a show

because i usually have i usually booked at the

red robinson theater

and unfortunately they had a gig there already

and they couldn’t cancel it and

couldn’t so they

didn’t want me doing a

local show we like a little

place i’m like

what if i just do like a little rock club or something

like that they wanted me to not do it talk they

moved to ufc from utah because they couldn’t sell

ticket couldn’t sell any tickets on

sunday man that’s the

jesus day bro

awesome it’s like

the chick fil

a deck dude

in utah is very religious man people are very religious

you know it’s a strong

mormon community and a

strong religious

community just people don’t want to go out on a

sunday nights that

sounds amazing

who else the ufc

sounds like it’s

utah you know what

you know you can criticize that no

i just i could i

could i’m saying myself

but you know you’re looking

at utah’s a nice fucking place

yes nice there you know

it’s pretty pretty decent

place to live

and i heard a lot of

those utah girls are kind of slutty

of course they are all religious

girls are you ties

to tommy that’s fucking

crazy they get a little

crazy right the army base i used to

drive up there from boulder and shit

if you if you want your kid to be a freak

number one rule of

thumb is making religious

cause you’re

gonna get one or two

things you’re

gonna get a really

crazy scared religious

adult or you

gonna get someone who

rebels just sucks the

clock oh when they

snap and the

first time they suck that guy

sixteen she just snaps

she takes that fucking

cross and over the

cross curls up it’s an

exorcist the

dark in the

berry the sweeter the

juice fuck yeah

i can’t wait to get some

black dick to right

the cross is a

target what

the cross is a target

for what um

brian you know what

just took it to a bad place

there’s no need

to end the show on such a sour note yeah

baby jesus well

ladies and gentlemen

if you want to follow joey diaz exploits on twitter

is mad flavor on twitter m a d

f l a v o r

and also joey kokods com right

yeah website

joey coco diaz com and do you do do a facebook

yeah i got a facebook when i

fucking idea just joey it’s out

there find me cocksucker

what are we playing games here

you want to fucking

friend me or what

so follow on

follow my twitter fucking hilarious dude

where you at this weekend

donna summer

on friday bitches at the hollywood bowl

are you gonna go see

ray saying that fuck you you want to come friday

yeah i got studio i got

fucking tickets it’s

are inducting her in the hall of

fame having but

sex with that

night nobody no one nobody

we could take a bus

right from your

house that drops

us off right in

front of the fucking do you

need glow sticks

i got glows

i got a pacifier

let’s get there there’s a pacifier

joel joe can we use your pacifier

no you know what i forgot

how fucking good

donna summer was

you know i really forgot i put it in the

other day and i felt really gay

no dude this is this is what i remembered i remembered

when joey diaz told me

joey diaz and i were at the fucking brea

improv was it the brea improv

we’re the brea improv and i i pull up and my

truck has a real good sound system

and he goes put this in your fucking car

right now joe roland put this in your fucking car

he goes put on this fucking track put on this track

so he puts on hot stuff this fucking track right here

does this guy come out

joe

oh shit

yeah so for you people on itunes joe’s playing a song

and he’s dancing

and joey doing joey diaz is doing the wave

and you could find me at redneck com

baby finding some weed to smoke

i’m trying to sorry for the vine

right now i’m trying to turn it down because joe is

gonna kill all your ears

mute mute mute mute

mute your laptop

there we go

ladies and gentlemen that’s not the most professional

thing in the world the

point is sorry about that

shouldn’t have me pushing buttons over here

brian i don’t know what the fuck

right right

right not me

no i’m saying it’s me

shouldn’t have me i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing

the point is

i forgot how fucking good donna summer was

we were smoking a joint outside the brea

improv in the parking lot

and joey puts on hot stuff

and i wrote a song

about it i mean i read a blog about it

about dawn summer

was a badass oh it’s amazing some of that

i wrote a blog

about that night because it was so

powerful i was listening to that

music i’m like god damn that

music was good

that chick didn’t give a fuck

i had the opposite reaction happened

to me last week when i put donna summer on a road trip

and my girlfriend goes what are you a faggot

i’m like yeah this does

sound pretty gay when you say it like that

does this sound gay that’s all

she had some jam and songs

beep beep

like i said she’s a very intelligent girl well

everyone’s got their own

taste prime

but today disc

on a summer is just totally unnecessary that’s right

every now and

then you got to respect the dissom shit that’s not

it’s not like cool to like but it’s

fine it’s totally not

gonna like journey

i was i was in a bar the

other day and and journey don’t stop believing

started playing

i was like god damn that’s a good fucking song oh

my god journey i have i listen to the one summer night

well summer

night was on the

other was fucking

great i’m like i forgot how good journey was

dude journey had some hits that guy had a very unusual

voice and god damn did he connect with fat bitches

fat bitches will go

crazy about

journey song

hey man kenny

the gambler

kenny rogers

love that they love that

chicken though that chicken company went on the

he had a chicken company yeah

kenny rogers roasters and shit you know jimmy dean died

jimmy dean sausages i’m not

gonna eat sausages

for 30 that motherfucker was 81 he just drank booze

every day and a sausage and he lived to be 81

can you imagine

the jokes and ha ha’s he had with his wife at work

you took my sausage you know shit like that

when that guy had so much

money i bet he just

mounted his wife’s face didn’t even ask her questions

pulled his pants i should probably didn’t even talk

about it yeah she probably didn’t say the

thing he’s so rich she probably stopped talking about

sausage again bitch

drinking whiskey just fuck in her mouth

shoots a batch down her

throat and walks out the door and gets on a horse

jimmy’s fucking jimmy

jimmy dean you had a billion dollar sausage empire

and he started out as a musician

right that there

wasn’t one of

those fucking things

it was you know what good for him this this episode is

dedicated to you jimmy dean

good for you you motherfucker

you made a living

selling ground up animals ground up pigs

alright folks that’s the end of this podcast

thank you for tuning in

we will see you actually tomorrow we got

one tomorrow with bill burr

same bat time same bat channel 3 p m

joey coco diaz

ladies and gentlemen a

black baby brian

red band michael

ladies actually this way

no there we go up

there i can’t get to you

thanks everybody we’ll see you next week

or tomorrow later