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Podcast
Description
Joe sits down with Eddie Bravo.
Transcript
there it goes now it’s recording
all right ladies and gentlemen what’s up welcome to the
weekly You Stream Podcast I think it’s like
week 2000 what week is it Brian
24th week is on top of shit son
yeah 24th week and join today
is jiu jitsu master
musician best friend
Eddie the Twister bravo
ladies and gentlemen how
about a big round of applause for
Mr Eddie Bravo joining us here today
Eddie just had some pizza fuck that diet up son yeah
fucked it up
yeah I got a hold of it we got real mics now man
we’re all holding solidarity if you want okay cool
when you talk right into it it makes it so much better
we were having problems when we
first started doing this
we just figured out how to do a podcast
basically without asking anybody
we just trial and
error and we fucked a lot of shit up but the biggest
thing we fucked up in the beginning was the sound
the sound was really bad at first
but now we got that shit locked down
so that’s good
what are you doing
he’s practicing I’m
is it gay to hold a mic like this it’s like smoking a
cigarette in
France what
movie is this from there’s a movie
where a guy
singing karaoke and he’s holding the mic like this
remember that
does anybody know does anybody know how
many used to hang it in
front of his face like this
I don’t remember who
it was this is like you’re sucking a cock right here
well I never
even accepted that
flashlight yes
before we go anywhere we’re sponsored by The
Flashlight this podcast is a sponsored park
podcast but I’ll be
quite honest with you if we were not sponsored by The
Flashlight and
and we just
we just became
a subject of the conversation of the podcast I
would tell you
go buy one of
those fucking
things are awesome
don’t be embarrassed everybody jerks off it’s silly
you know if you jerk off and you
wouldn’t fuck a rubber
pussy you’re
crazy all right it’s just a pleasure
it’s just pleasure and it feels way better than jerk
I got a good
flashlight story
yeah oh let’s hear
it let’s hear it
it’s about when I bought it
about maybe like
I’ve had it for a while
I’ve used it maybe
20 times right
now it’s fucking pretty good
pretty goddamn if you’re
gonna jerk off
something about your own hand
touching your
cock cancels out some feeling or something it
doesn’t feel as good as
someone else jerking you off or sucking yeah whatever
for sure so
that’s where the
flashlight comes in I mean that’s it’s
it feels pretty fucking good you got the
right porn or whatever
but anyways
about 3 years ago
maybe 2 years ago
I met this girl
when we’re on the road in
Texas somewhere
maybe Houston
or Dallas or
something like that I was on the road with you
met her and
we kept in touch
she came out to LA
and hung out for a weekend
and for some reason she wasn’t down at all she wasn’t
remember that
she wasn’t down at all
she didn’t want to
she didn’t want me to
touch her now she’s
staying at my fucking
house and she
doesn’t wanna
touch me and kiss her nothing
so I decided to take her to the hustler
store and go
shopping for a
flashlight this is a
great story
so she couldn’t fucking believe that
she thought I was kidding that I went to the
store to buy a
flashlight I’m like hey
if you’re not
gonna give me the
pussy I gotta
you know this is the
second best
thing can invite another girl over come on so
that’s my flashlight
story I used it that
night too while
she passed out and
cool it’s pretty good
it’s better than using your hand
it’s better than using your hand if you had if you
could hire a Mexican to clean it up afterwards
then it would be awesome
it’s just a
Mexican why is it have to be Mexican man
they worked cheap
well you’re gonna put white
a white dude to clean up
your flashlight when you’re done you got to
go to Home Depot and pick up a couple guys and they’ll
switch off I was at
Target the other day and there there’s
these things called
magic microphones for kids it’s a kids toy that looks
just like a
flashlight if you
look at it you’re like oh the same company that makes
flashlights
must also make this
microphone oh
my God and so I pick it up and I go
to my girlfriend I’m like look they got
flashlights here
and right I look on my oh
I look around there’s kids
everywhere and moms looking at me and I’m like oh fuck
but yes it’s
funny how it’s got a bad
like you know there’s
a bad feeling attached to it that there’s something
wrong with this rubber pussy
there’s something
wrong with pleasure
if it was just a massage thing
it was just like look I got a massage
that makes your back feel awesome
everybody be
like oh cool the guy’s making his back feel awesome
there’s something
about making your dick feel awesome that
freaks everybody out
would you freak out
if your son
was using the
flashlight at 11
that’d be bad no
right no not at
all just for
his birthday I
would say listen man your body is a
biological organism that
doesn’t understand
your life it wants you to make decisions for it
not for you so it’s
going to try to
trick you into fucking
someone with no condom and having
babies I mean that’s what your body’s trying to do
and it can get real confusing who you actually like
as opposed to
who your dick is telling you you like
when you’re
horny all the time
your dick convinces
you that you like people you don’t even like
just because you
could fuck them
and for a kid when you’re just
learning how to get into relationships
that shit’s very
tricky I think
every young kid
could benefit
from they should
teach kids how to jerk off in school
as you teach kids
how your dick is
going to confuse you
and how it’s
going to send you all
these messages and being horny
is actually a baffling
thing that takes years and years to master
you know and they can make Hannah Montana
flashlights
can you imagine
20 billion dollar industry I wonder if that
would be illegal if she sponsored a
flashlight for high
school kids and she’s not saying it safe sex
safe sex is
promoting safe sex yeah
would that be insane
why not right
that’d be so
smart I mean
are we really pretending that kids aren’t fucking
you know kids get to
be 16 years old she’s like 16 or 17 they’re fucking man
they’re fucking
the problem is
even if she wants to like talk
about it and shit
it’s it’s it’s
still illegal
you know it’s
still it’s they’re not supposed
to be fucking and no one’s supposed to be fucking them
that’s like
older than them
I think you go to jail you know if you’re
if you’re 18
and your girlfriend is
17 years and 10
months and you fuck her you go to jail
is that really
happening yes yeah yeah people have got is that
still happening
yeah it’s real god
damn it you
know what’s happening that’s even scarier than that
is a dang it kids are getting pop for
child pornography for taking
pictures of
their pussies
on their fucking cell
phones oh shit
their dicks
that’s really what’s happening man
damn dude you’re getting in
trouble calling it criminal tools
a girl was arrested
on child pornography charges because she sent
pictures 15 years old
she sent pictures of herself to a
bunch of kids in her class
and they eventually
dropped the
child pornography charges
but they charged her with one
count of using criminal tools
the criminal tool was a cell phone
that was a account they had
against her
she took a cell
phone to take a
picture of her
pussy so that was a criminal tool
you hear that guys delete all that shit how
crazy is that man
think about what it
would be like
if that was your
daughter and you
found out that your
daughter was doing that
what same thing I
think we talked about last
time you guys were here you guys talked
about the exact same
thing the flashlight
story you guys just love talking
about did I
the flashlight
story the sexting
sexting oh the sex
thing oh the
thing we talked
about last time yeah you know what it’s
still fascinating
to me that’s a very important part of it
stop pay attention to that
Twitter feed
Brian I don’t
really want to know what people want us to talk
about shut that shit off that shit
drives me crazy
you’re freaking me out son
wait isn’t that what we got here myself up yeah this is
freaking me out too but I don’t read it
you don’t if you read it too much man then you’re
gonna change the subject of your conversation
okay listening to what they’re saying you getting too
serious about
this Joe no I’m not getting serious it’s distracting
it’s distracting
for a good conversation so what you guys think
about the new iPhone that just was announced yesterday
that’s pretty crazy
the iPhone is
going to change
a lot of shit man
first of all everyone’s
going to be
using it for
phone sex yeah
because you
could see the
other person
you see them
that’s what’s fucked up because I was thinking
about this the
other day you know how texting and Twitter and
everything’s fucking up
people’s games or just lies in general
now people are
gonna be like your ex is
gonna call or your girl’s
gonna call you and go
where you at
right now you’re like I’m with my friends
oh yeah well turn on your
video let me see
where you’re at you know and that’s
gonna happen with bosses
you say bitch
doesn’t have any Wi Fi
well that’s only
that’s only for
2010 that’s just because AT amp
T is trying to
build up there
do you think the network is ever
gonna get built up
where they can handle 2 way
phone calls with everybody absolutely
people are gonna
leave that shit on
and they’re
gonna you’re
gonna come to work with me okay
and they’re
gonna be walking around people aren’t
gonna be watching
where they’re going
absolutely that’s why they’re around with
their phone
that’s why AT amp
T regulated
their data plans the other day
because they know that that shit’s
gonna happen
hmm so you think they’re just
building up to it how is it
gonna be this
is gonna be like when texting
first came out when you
first got texting everyone said this is not
going to work no one’s
going to ever do this
but in texting plans were really expensive and
ridiculous you know
because all
these newcombers
are you know used to get I used
to have jokes
about texting
right my fucking 2005
Showtime special
there’s a joke in there when I’m like it takes you 4
presses to get an S
Why are you fuck
why don’t you just fucking call me what are you doing
right why you making me read
right you know
that this is
gonna be exactly like this just
think about how much that’s
changed in 5 years yeah
video calling in 5 years from now is
gonna be the norm
that’s all it’s gonna be
people are gonna
laugh at you from normal calling
you know I think I
think that’s you know we’re
going towards Star Trek
yeah we are
we are it’s
gonna be called something too like when someone like a
girlfriend calls you up and says
okay I need a
webcam scan
you know what I mean okay here’s the web
so you gotta tell all your buddies
that you could be at a
party and go
webcam scan
webcam scan
all the girls duck
under and go look look
honey I’m here boom oh
look and then Bam
a quick little one’s over you
do you just have the whole
party spin behind you
just move really slowly everybody
everybody just stay
with me stay with me
it’s the webcam scan you’re not
fucking moving fast enough okay you better webcam scan
right now I
switch spin around
in a circle as
quick as you can show me the
whole I need
the whole room
after a while you’re
gonna have to do it quick
it can’t be fast but then people are just
gonna get faster
they’re just
gonna be it’s
gonna be a sport
you know you’ll have gambling to see whether or not you
could tell those
people in the room okay let’s go into the bathroom it’s
gonna look behind the curtain
okay now let’s go out
to the back actually a cool fucking game
how about this game
how about you
um you have a game
where you bet whether or not someone is in someone’s
house and someone takes you on a tour of
their house and you bet whether or not there’s
other people in the
house hiding
hmm how about you have
pre recorded
pre recorded
fucking scenarios you have like 30 of them your
house one you’re at your mom’s you have all these
so anybody else
look yeah boom
and then you know they
think it’s live
but it’s really a
video we gotta get on that you know what
problems you
would have to show your face too
you’re supposed to show your face talking in the
environment they’re
gonna have to it
would have to
be like almost like a
green screen
the great Joey
Diaz is the best
thing when I
was talking
about this Joey
Diaz says he’s
gonna be like
imagine calling your girl and go let me see your pussy
right now see how red it is I know what it looks like
after you got fucked hold it up against
white let me see
just to talk her into showing her
pussy yeah yeah because then
because seriously that’s how it’s
gonna come down to you’re
gonna be able to just go let me see what your
pussy looks like
right now I can tell
you guys just that
statement that shows you the
mentality of Joey Diaz
how funny Joey is
joey’s thinking about
tricking girls in the show in
their pussy he’s not he’s it’s a
you know he’s all but no no no no no I need to see it
right now come on let’s go what do you got
like it’s all
about it’s all
about like trapping them in the show in
their pussy it’s not it’s not even really asking
them it’s like part of the hustleford for Joey is you
trick them I
think it’s gonna make people a lot more
faithful cause I really believe that
Twitter and Facebook
and Facebook
has really it makes it so hard to cheat
people are like okay if I’m
there’s a lot more single people
cause it’s way too harder to
cheat but if you decide
to have a girlfriend
or a boyfriend you’re like fuck it I ain’t even
gonna try you make a comment on one person’s picture
everybody knows
that you just commented on some girl’s
picture yeah you
know so it’s like
you don’t even bother
so you might as well
be faithful and it’s not gonna stay
where it’s at
it’s gonna move on to some next craziness and I
think that has to do with this iPhone camera I
think that’s the next
stage of craziness the next
stage of intrusion into people’s lives and some people
gonna reject it
you know did you do you Facebook just like
just like text
just like picture message just like
everything that’s why when people are
freaking out
about Flash
I feel the same
thing about that
people are freaking out
cause you’re not
thinking ahead
you’re not thinking
about what’s next or what’s
going to be the future
when you say
freaking about
Flash for the non technologically
macromedia flash
what macromedia
flash is a program
on your websites when you see like animation
and different kinds of like
you put your cursor over something and it does some
funky thing
most of the time you’re dealing with
flash on a lot of
these sites and
apparently flash
crashes a lot
I’ve had a crash a
bunch of times on me
and a Microsoft
has their own version of shit what is it silverlight
but what’s cool
is that there’s actually companies now that
have software
that if you put it into
flash and I guess
flash is working with this company
that if you go to this website and it has
flash flash will detect that you do not have
flash on your iPad or whatever
and it will convert
it into an HTML 50
uh program or
whatever so you so that’s what YouTube does
no I think YouTube just uses
a different codec it uses but
there’s some websites
where you can go to on the iPad and you can
still watch it
videos and that’s HTML5 you’re
watching you’re
watching it just a
flash is moved on from
YouTube doesn’t use
flash as much anymore it uses
Codec H 264 I believe
so it’s not even in
flash anymore you’re
watching it just
you’re just watching a
video file I
think you’re
right that people are hesitant to change and then they
worry about
Flash falling apart and
they say oh this is crazy
my website is coded like this and
that’s just how it should be
but when new shit comes
along it’s better
you just gotta accept it you know
I think what’s more fascinating to me than anything is
this Facetime
thing and the
the rise of the droid
phones dude droid
phones are like an infection there’s like
so many goddamn droid
phones now and they do
everything the iPhone does and more hmm
like what about shit
you know what iPhone has
you know the
front face feature that’s
and the HD camera
come on blackberry
blackberry still number one
you know Blackberry
still number one
droids nothing new it’s just an operating
system just like Windows Mobile was yeah but
these are dope ass
phone they’re dope
ass phones are dope ass
phones that
are doing something that’s trying to be like an iPhone
exactly you know
and it’s not
doing it as good if you use any application on a Droid
and compare it to the iPhone version
almost 99 9
of the time it falls a little
short okay but you’re saying this
based on the little
experience that you have no no couple
weeks with that
phone no I’ve had it for a month
I used it straight
for a month
and I know from
that operating
system what
they were doing back then is the same as now
it’s all the same it’s the
exact same I
used the the newest one I had the newest version it’s
the application
the Motorola Droid
right which is not supposed
to be as good as this HTC E
no you’re talking
about the hardware though you’re not talking
about the operating system
yeah but I mean didn’t the
does an HTC alter
the operating
system a little
bit no it puts a skin on it that just makes
it that’s all it is it’s just a skin off the operating
system does it make your work more effectively
some say it hurts some say it’s better you
know what it does is it gives you a nice little widget
at the front that has the weather and a
bunch of shit okay well
just saying that the iPhone is better okay I’ll
agree with you believe the iPhone is better but it’s
still a fucking amazing phone
and if it was
if it existed a year ago
you you’d be
freaking the fuck out of
existed 5 years ago
it be world changing
about 5 years ago I
would probably be
freaking out a year ago I
doubt it because it’s still
a very impressive
phone yeah the
phone hardware itself is great
but when you
compare like
somebody was
going off on the other day
about how like oh yeah this has an 8 megapixel camera
where the new iPhone only has a 5 megapixel camera
and I was like
megapixels don’t mean shit that’s why
every year we’ve stopped
at 12 megapixels for most cameras and if you notice
most Sony cameras that
were 12 megapixels last year now 10 megapixels okay why
doesn’t it mean shit I mean
doesn’t it because
how much information is in the photograph
and megapixels don’t mean shit
well it means
some pixel camera sucks we know that yeah
12 megapixel cameras awesome you
could blow up
giant billboard
right so it does mean something it means something
to it means something to a
point but the most important
thing is the lens
in the actual
the quality of
photo that’s why
that makes sense that makes
the new iPhone
camera has a
what most normal camels are just
switching to it’s this coil that goes
around the lens
and it used to be
where the coil was in
front of the lens optic so when you take a photo
the light has to go through all
these coils in
order to take a photo
so now they’ve
found out how to put
the coil on the back so the
light there’s more light
that goes in there Sony calls it the XM0R
lens whatever
it’s called
right now so
this new iphone’s
gonna have better low
light just because they decided to do this new coil
technology so that
alone photo quality looks
pretty awesome yeah megapixel
doesn’t mean shit
it does mean something though bright you can’t
you’re getting
crazy no no no
I’m being serious
megapixels do not mean
shit anymore when it comes to like 5 megapixels and
above 8 megapixels
like 10 to 12 megapixels there’s nothing
8 to 12 there’s barely anything
because but it
still means something
unless you’re doing
billboard thing
what’s important is the lens and
what’s also
important the software they use it’s also important
you know what kind of
that’s why you have
these Karl Zeiss lenses and shit on all
these different phones
you know they’re
trying to get the dopest lenses possible
yeah I I agree over a certain
point it’s negligible
Brian you’re bad
motherfucker
you you your
knowledge of all this shit is
unbelievable
you freak when it comes to this
stuff but what I
think of the iPhone
who knows when
I get it but God damn it they just solved
everything they got it
the video camera sucked
I use it all the time but it sucked now it’s HP
it’s yeah that’s
still true yeah
for sure 18T
but it’s even
you know for me I barely talk on the
phone anyways I really don’t give a shit
what I care
about is video
pictures texting
right that’s huge and
yeah and then you’re gonna
to incredible I don’t care
about talking to
peter’s applications on your
phone that you can time
rounds with there’s like a gym boss
where you could time your workouts
you can it’s a free application to
you could set it so that it like
it’ll put interval
training into your workouts and give you like different
alarms like when you run
and when you stop when you rest when you go
I mean the flash
the webcam the HD
video 5 megapixels
god damn I think that these
these new Droid
phones are catching up though
they’re totally
catching up and
I hope they beat the iPhone but the problem is of all
these Droid users are saying oh fuck
fuck iPhone no no get this
how’s your Facebook
you want to do like comparison
how’s your Facebook on
your application
Facebook and
compared to iPhones
apple right but
you haven’t you tweeted a
while right
don’t they update
those dude I am on
every single website
every day on both
droids everything
I know exactly what’s
going on with droid vs iPhone
I was like I
would believe him I would
oh no totally is that
a common is that a common argument
dude it’s common with
Down the Line
every program that you get for the iPhone is
it’s way more fine
tuned on the iPhone for some reason
I don’t know if it’s on purpose
or if it’s just the length or the
you know the developers
or what but like even the twitter applications
and the same with the Palm pre
the Palm pre
should have been
fucking the number one
phone that should have been way bigger than it was
but the problem is
every single application
like their Facebook
their Twitter and
everything it
doesn’t even
come close to the iPhone
it’s still you
think that’s really what killed them
you don’t think that it was on
Sprint and I
could tell you guys having a palm pre plus that
every single
program that that you can download for that
thing sucks
shit compared to the iPhone versions and
the Palm Prix has been out for a year plus longer than
the web OS so
that ain’t doing shit palm Prix ain’t doing shit no
it’s interesting because the
Palm Prix was like the number one selling product that
ever launched as a
phone until this
HTC Evo came along
and they’re saying this Palm Prix thing
it’s really
what’s interesting
about it was
it was like the number one
thing but then it
petered out and nobody gives a fuck about it
you know like no one’s
in line to get palm trees
not at all actually
remember the trio the trio with the trio was the iPhone
I had I had yours
remember you gave me your
second hand
the trio was the was
that was the original shit the trio was a
brick bro I remember
when you bother
me I remember when you gave me your trio dude that
first day I
couldn’t believe it man I thought like I was just
I really thought like I had a
fucking diamond
watch I swear
I thought I was like
wow look at this
thing it’s so awesome I remember I had when I
first got it I got it out of the box and
everything and I was playing with it
looking at it
Wayne I was like this is the
ultimate piece of
technology that’s like Star Trek shit
it’s like a fucking computer in my pocket man
you know another good
thing is the texting on the droids or
just the keyboard
alone have you ever used the keyboard
no you know what I did use though that was pretty dope
and I wish someone
would figure out how to do it
the iPhone sorta does it
but I had with my Microsoft
phone I had a Windows Windows mobile
phones it knew the words that I was
gonna use like if I
would press A
and then B it
would write
absolutely if I’ve said that a
bunch of times in text before
and then you just hit the
space button and you keep
going on to the next
predictive texting yeah but like
crazy good man
it was really good it was really interesting
the iPhone always gets
things wrong
and never wants to accept my swears
still wants to change fuck to duck
I mean how many times
there’s ways around that there’s
something like you just
make a new contact
and you just put all the
cuss words you want in it or something I forget that’s
smart something like that and so
it looks it up yeah
how you do I
think you just
make a contact and go fuck cock suck dick piss you know
everything you want
yeah we just
do it once though
I know but it’s so silly
like why can’t it remember
swears well the new operating
system I guess is
a hundred times better when it comes to all this like
the dictionary the
everything and it’s got now we finally get multitasking
now brian’s got an
apple boner
are you a fanboy
I’m not a fan
I’m not a fanboy because I’m with any kind of
technology I
try them all
and I I agree
man I’m just teasing you
how many phones have we
both between you have we always go
right back to the iPhone yes
the iPhone is most certainly the best all around device
without a doubt
but my main
phone I use a
Blackberry because it’s Verizon
because verizon’s way better for me
I need to make calls
that game’s
over for me now
really yeah
I have no problems with AT amp
T anymore in Los Angeles well my problems with AT amp
T are driving driving from my
house into Legends
there’s 3 places where I
would lose people so if I’d be in a big conversation
I’d have to pull over because I didn’t want to
I didn’t want
to lose the call if it was something that was you know
serious I can’t talk in my bedroom
on the phone if if I
if I want to talk I got to go to my living room
if it’s an important call
I walk down the street
I actually I’m on
if you see me want to talk on the
phone walking
at some important ass shit
right there yeah don’t bother me
eventually there’s
gonna be no home
phones right there is barely any home
phones I hardly know my dad
doesn’t even have a home
phone anymore yeah
it’s like some ancient shit
you know home
phone doesn’t send no text can’t get
pictures to some
stupid line
where people call you it’s
funny my mom lives in the middle of a country emergency
phone that’s there is
in case the
world ends you need a landline
solar flares fuck
fuck up those
satellites there was an
article I was reading
about that about where
at a moment of the sun’s awakening
and that the next couple years is unprecedented
solar activity that they predicted
so unprecedented
solar flares that can wipe out satellites
and so what
they’re trying to get really good at is predicting
these events
so that they can shut down or put these
satellites on safe mode
which is pretty nuts when you think
about how much we’re reliant on the
satellites and you know
for satellite
radio I fucking listen to it
every day for
so many different
things for GPS
we’re reliant on fucking
satellites and
those motherfuckers can get cooked
they can get cooked
I mean at any time the the sun
could just make some hiccup a burp a fart
and it just barbecues
every fucking
satellite it sees
they gotta have backup
satellites and like just
floating out there and
protective cases so if anything happens the
other ones they just
press a button to launch it
yeah they open the new case boom
what if they’re gonna put
shields over
satellites like big radiation
shields that’s
gonna have to be the next
force fields
something like that
right gotta
be force field it’s
gotta have something to do with magnets and
force fields
well yeah you’re
right because that’s what our gravity is
right I mean
our magnetosphere
right right and the gas that surrounds the
Earth and the
you know our
atmosphere if we just suspend some gold dust
particles up in the
atmosphere we’ll be fine zacharias Hitchins
style yeah it’s real simple so
eddie’s a big proponent of the ancient
alien theory
and eddie’s the
first person
that ever got me into Zacharias Hitchin and we’ve had
dude how many bones have we smoked
fucking talking
about the Anunnaki
I mean we’ve had
more more ridiculous spaceman
alien Anunnaki conversations ancient ancient you know
tribe theories
shit where civilizations died off and left
so much information
that was just
lost forever like the Mayans and of course the
Sumerians and the
Sumerians talk of an even
older civilization before then
so eddie’s the one who got me into that the
first Scott
right Scott Redondo
right no no no he actually
brought it up
to me no he brought it up but I
never registered he goes dude listen to this
radio station
coast to coast
this was like 10 years ago
and I never listened to Scott
but Gina the
first girl I produced Musically
she’s about as
crazy as they come
and she was talking
about a party very talented girl
super talented singer but crazy
she goes oh my God
I was at this
party last night and
this guy was talking
about how we were created as slaves
to mine gold for
aliens on another planet
I’m like oh my gosh shut the fuck up
I was like Tina
just shut the fuck up because no
everybody was
tripping out on this guy talking about
this this crayon like
aliens made us as
slaves to mine gold
shut the fuck up
let’s get to work
so I thought
about it later on that day that
whole day I thought
about it and
I thought it was
weird that as
crazy as all that
sounded it is
weird that the one
thing that we all agree on
every culture
every race we can’t
agree on shit
politics religion nothing but we all
agree that gold is like
worth more than
money that gold is
the universal
money and I thought that was
weird I go hmm
and then I thought
about how the Aztecs
thought Cortez was a god and they gave him gold
and then the people
the pharaohs are dying
they get buried they get buried with gold
I’m like thinking
about this I’m like
this can I call
Gina play Gina
what was this guy’s name do you have his number
because that was Jody
or some guy
I think his name was Jody
so I called this guy
but hey I’m
gina’s friend
what you were talking
about some gold
and some slaves and
aliens what the fuck was that about
and he didn’t even really know
he said you know what yeah yeah I was talking
about that some guy told me it was
weirdest thing
I think his name is
side chin or such
in or something
sit chin or something so I looked it up
and I just got on the internet and I looked up sit chin
started getting into it and
it blew me away
it’s pretty fascinating shit you know as
crazy as all that
sounds if you really look into it
all the basically
it’s this zacharya
Sitchin is this guy that transcribed the ancient
Sumerian texts
like 20 000
tablets of all
these stories and all this shit
who knows what they really say because
very few people can actually
transcribe it
some people
think Zachariah
Sitchin is crazy
and he just making shit up
a lot of people believe him
I mean he’s got this I mean a lot of
smart people well the interesting shit that he
uncovers and shows in his
videos that’s just indisputable is the images that the
Sumerians left behind
that’s where it gets really crazy
because there’s images of
a big giant person with a
small person it’s a person but it has a tail like a
monkey and you’re like what the fuck is that
they have the double helix
the DNA double helix
is their caduceus
you know they have that in
their images
what if it was just like a
lesbian guy that walked around the
tribe you know that
dressed up as a cat and somebody
oh you know
what I mean it
could be it
could be but here’s the other
thing they also had a detailed depiction of the
solar system
they had a picture of the sun
and then they had a
picture of the planets
with the proper size
and the proper orbit
and on top of that
their whole history there
there’s in the Sumerian
text it talks
about the different planets
it talks about
Uranus and it talks
about Neptune
you know it talks
about the creation of Earth
they have the
exact same theory
that we have as far as the creation of the moon
the theory is that
Earth One there was an
Earth that was
like billions of years ago got hit with a planet
and created the moon
and now we are Earth 2
post impact
now this is
like something that scientists have just recently
embraced over the past few decades
but Sitchin
wrote about this shit
way back in the 70s I mean
this was the
Sumerian said
you know the guy if you
watches his documentaries and
you listen to Sitch and talk and get his shit online
it is fucking fascinating
you know and I’m not saying that you know some
aliens made us
as you know as a race of
slaves but I am saying that
the world is so
crazy as it is
the fact that we can send
photographs to people
and you can
get video download it from your phone
and you could
basically answer any question immediately by
pressing you know Google Talk
or the Google thing
where you know you talk into it and you say
you know what year did
Columbus sale blah blah blah
and it’ll give you the information like instantly
this has never happened
before man this is
crazy shit it’s only
gonna get crazier
now if we lived
100 000 years longer and stayed
alive and managed to keep evolving
for sure we
would get to the
point where we
would be able to
travel to other fucking planets
and find other species that we thought
weren’t advanced enough and fuck with them
if we decide at a certain
point in time
with all this investigation that we’re doing into life
like what they’re doing
right now with
synthetic cells
where they are creating cells
creating cells and
eventually creating living organisms this is all really
going to happen
if we get to the
point where we realize that life itself is just
a code that we can
manipulate and change
to our will well when that happens man you’re not
going to think
anything’s wrong
with taking some
monkeys and making them smarter
and having them work for you
you know and if there’s a
super intelligent being
or race of beings
that’s thousands of years advanced from us
or millions
or perhaps even a billion
you know what if they live in a protected
solar system
where they don’t have to worry
about asteroids
what if the asteroid impact is is not a common thing
what if you know all the shit that happens in our
solar system is kind of rare
and in other solar
systems they don’t have meteor problems
I mean if that’s the case if that’s true
they could be a billion years
older than us
we don’t fucking know we have no idea yeah basically
and Sitchin
was one of very few people
again that transcribed
over 20 000
tablets and in these
tablets were
all like in detailed
descriptions of how they came down
the names of the
rulers and the
South American ones the
real technical shit
about how it all went down
he transcribed all that shit in the 70s and
he put all this
information out all this information that
he wasn’t he’s saying that
he wasn’t making it up he was just transcribing all
these stories
and people were
and a lot of people
you know his
doubters were like
well he’s full of shit how
could he know this and how
could he know that
but the few
things that he did know in the 70s that
we were just
figuring out now one
in his transcriptions
he talked about how the Cimmerians knew that
Uranus and Neptune
were both water twins
and we just
found that out in the 80s that
they actually are
water twins that was new
how the hell did
Sitchin know this
another thing is Sitchin
the basis of the
story is aliens
need are there’s a
human they look just like us they’re just
there supposedly
supposedly and
maybe taller or whatever but I
think way better looking than they need our gold
to turn into gold dust
to suspend in
their atmosphere to protect
their atmosphere
that’s what they need
to protect them from radiation yes
that’s what he’s talking
about in the 70s and the transcriptions
he’s not an astrophysicist
we just found out like in 2001
2002 that that’s exactly how you protect
atmospheres you take
metallic particles
and you suspend them in the
atmosphere to
either keep radiation in or out
we just figured
that out how the hell did this guy figure
out through the and he’s saying well he didn’t know
he transcribed
did he just
guess that that’s the way we protect
atmospheres
he already talked about that
there’s a lot of
I mean he gets into
detail there’s a lot of shit that makes it like huh wow
there’s a lot there’s a lot to it it sounds
crazy and we don’t have all day to talk
about it but
I have an open mind
it’s fascinating
stuff I thought it was totally
insane too look
into it there’s a
bunch of debate
about this planet Nabiru
and there’s a guy who’s got a website called
Sitchin is Wrong
and his website is sitchenasrong
com and this guy does not believe that there was
that there’s this planet
you know this Nabiru and he has the
quotes to the text
it’s really involved and I
haven’t really looked into it
I don’t know who the fuck is
right and who’s
wrong I really don’t
but I do know that just all the shit that came
out of that one area is really fascinating
when you find out that one part of the
world is responsible for the
first mathematics the
first astronomy
first astrology
first written language
first use of the wheel
first everything
first agriculture it was
Iraq it’s Iraq yeah crazy
fucking nuts Iraq
was the first
civilization
first uh organized
civilization well that’s why they’re so fucked
up that’s why I’ve always said that that part of the
world the reason why
their laws are so archaic
they’re like the townies of the world
those are the people that were there when
civilization was created
and they’re
still rock they’re
still rocking that ancient law
you know you
dance we throw rocks at you you fuck someone from the
other tribe
we throw rocks at you
you show your
ankles we throw rocks at you
why is why is an
Asianist that’s so
smart though
have not has not progress like they stopped they all
moved out California
what is California
California is the
group of people
that landed somewhere else knew it sucked and
moved to the best spot
yeah eventually you figure out that the best spot is
Southern California
you figure out with me there’s a spot
where it never gets so cold that it snows
okay there’s no hurricanes
you have to
worry about
earthquakes
every now and then
but there’s no
lightning as the
worst traffic in the
world it is the
worst traffic in the
world but like as far as
because it rules but
climate has nothing it has nothing to do with climate
yeah it’s like the climate here
is the reason why everybody flocks to this
place it’s way easier to live here
you know that is true it’s like a club
promoters when a club in LA
when a club rises and falls
the club promoters don’t die with the club
they just find a new location and they just keep moving
the original club was
Sumeria it was blowing up it was going off
then it closed down the promoters
moved to Egypt
they blew that up for a while
that shit closed down people got
tired of Egypt
then they blew it up in Israel that
changed all the names
and all their
their stories of creation
then it went to Rome
and then it split off and then it
ended up in England and Germany
and the United
totally makes sense of that part of the
world is backwards because
because it’s just like
going back home I mean that’s what I’m talking
about it’s like
going back home if I went back home to Boston
and hung out I would think like God like
the dudes I went to high school with
dude you’re you’re
still living in this fucking
this crazy land like why didn’t you escape
and that’s like what it’s like in Sumair
it’s like Sumair
you know I became Iraq and everybody eventually
moved on to
other places the world
people who weren’t satisfied with
where they were and how life was
if that’s where all
human beings supposedly came from
everybody who left
is a people that were trying to find something better
it kind of makes
sense it kind of makes
sense that if
that really is the cradle of
civilization and everybody
left from there to try to find something better
of course the people that remain suck
just totally make
sense Saddam didn’t suck
how dare you how dare you
how dare you all
how dare everybody listening to this at this
point in time okay what’s next
stone motherfucker zachariah sit Jim
get him to the Greek Eddie
hell yeah did you like it I loved it
I love what would you rate it as like 5 stars
um not quite as good as hangover
but right under hangover like like
it was I thought it was really good man I
laughed out loud at
least 10 times there was a
thing that’s good 10 times where I was like oh
they killed it
that dude the main dude the fat guy he’s awesome
I love that guy he is pretty good man yeah Jonah
that guy is badass
he’s funny in
every they must let him go off
cause it’s not a coincidence that he always has
great lines
and you know who impressed me
fucking P Diddy
his acting was like 80
on it wasn’t it was
way better than 50 Cent it wasn’t Academy Award winning
performance but
he pulled it off and he made me laugh too
there’s a little argument with
that one r amp B singer remember with the pink shirt
with that guy’s name pharrell
pharrell dude that was hilarious
dude that was
funny dude it was so
funny they’re putting it
they’re putting it in the previews now
that’s part of the preview I
haven’t seen this
so don’t give any
spoilers away okay
but yeah you
gotta see I love that Russell
Brand guy too
it was hilarious
Pete did he was probably the best
part about that
movie though
it was good pete’s
and I posted that on my twitter that was one of the
worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life
so ridiculous you can tell
no you could tell
I didn’t think I
could tell I thought that made me look bad I
thought it looked badass
I was so looking forward to that movie
I was like did it
die a horrible
death at the box office I don’t know how it
did it actually didn’t do that good
it wasn’t in the
top 5 it got 70 something percent of rotten tomatoes
but listen how
crazy this movie is okay
this guy has his
girlfriend they’re both scientists
they’re doing all
these experiments with
human DNA and they figure out how to
synthesize human DNA with animal DNA
lizards or some
shit I don’t know what the fuck they spliced it with
so they just wanted to see if they
could do it so they so
she closes the door and does it
you know like
like so he like he can’t stop her and he runs in and
she presses the button it’s like really
ridiculous and she makes this
half human being half
animal lizard fucking
thing whatever the fuck it was
the story’s so
goofy so they
raise this it
becomes a person yeah I’ll
spoiler like a
motherfucker
you wanna plug your ears
yeah I’m still
gonna see it you’re
gonna see this okay
because I have a feeling that I’m
gonna like it
because I’ve read
after you made me not see it and then I kind of got
angry and then I
I said was talking
with some friends of mines and they said
dude what is he talking
about that movie was fucking awesome oh my God
well you like Nacho
Libre and we walked out remember no
no no no no
in the battle we all walk
all right this
movie is not
your libre was just you guys walking out so dumb
in 3 minutes
no you don’t know you don’t know how dumb this
movie is this
movie makes Nacho
Libre look like
not to leave
it was awful
but you guys only like gave it like
3 or 5 minutes or something like you’re like
get out of here was
bad was offensive
it was hurting my yeah there’s no way there’s no way
they had like
20 I gave 20 attempts at jokes
and 2 people in the
front lap and I’m like damn these are
their jokes like if you’re waiting this long to
throw in some
funny shit there’s no
way that ending’s
gonna be good and I’m a Jack
Black fan I
think he’s hilarious
I love his movies
I love that rock and roll high whatever the fuck it
yeah that was good rock
school that was good it was really good and he was
excellent in Tropic Thunder
have you seen that King Kong
yeah I haven’t seen
Trump still
haven’t seen
Tropic Thunder it’s one of my that’s
that’s a for sure hangover
tropic Thunder is a for sure hang
on okay I’ll see it I keep fucking putting it off
yeah but um
yeah I mean
that movies whatever this
this splice
is way worse
this this splice
plug your ears
bitch I will see it by next
week this is how
crazy it is they make this
thing okay grows really quick
okay and all of a
sudden it’s from a baby
it grows like almost instantly to a
grown woman
so they have this
grown woman
alien thing
and they don’t know
where to keep her so they keep her in a storage room
like nobody goes down there
so they set up a bedroom in the fucking storage
of this place
where they work
and they keep this fucking
alien there
okay the things only been
alive for like a couple
months and then Adrian Brody
fucks no yes I
gotta see it now
now I’m saying
it now I gotta
see it now I
gotta see it’s a fucking
not only is it an
alien like real
crazy it’s got a tail and fucked up legs and everything
but it’s also
3 months old
he’s fucking this
thing it’s 3
months old how’s her body
she’s got tits and she’s kind of like sexy looking
it’s like they took a sexy
chick and just did some CGI on her
wow yeah she
escaped and eats a
rabbit she escapes and she can fly she’s got wings she
flies she lands and eats a fucking
rabbit and they’re not even
freaking out
they’re like why are you doing that don’t do that stop
it’s ridiculous
it’s so bad I’m
gonna see it I’m
gonna see it
that sounds good
Brian so you know you know why you know why he did
he has to go see it yeah he has to
I’m not hurting
it let me tell you something don’t you wish
this movie is so goddamn bad I
think it might turn into one of
those movies it’s like a cult hit
because it’s so bad people are
gonna go see it again and
again now this is what I did hear
about it I heard that
there was actually parts in it that were supposed to be
funny and that has nothing to do with it
oh shut your
mouth they weren’t trying to be
funny if they were
they’re brilliant they said it
in an interview
that a lot of people aren’t getting the
humor of the
movie oh my God you mean the
whole movie
well that’s
the humor I have no
humors the whole
movie it’s ridiculous
are you sure that you weren’t
baked and you didn’t get the
humor that was
a big serious or something
I wasn’t baked at all you know what
in your defense Brian
I think you
might like it
cause you like
crazy shit like that
do you like
Nacho Libre if
you don’t think it’s a nobody like
Nacho Libre if you go in
want to see something
ridiculous you’re
gonna like it but if you go in
thinking you’re
gonna get the shit scared out of you like some new
Alien movie that’s what I thought it was
gonna be when I saw
it looks like she was threatening
in the previews
looks like she’s threatening one of the scientists
I’m like oh they create something and it’s fucking
crazy and it gets out of control
and it’s scary I’m
gonna see it this week and I can’t
wait to discuss it I can’t wait to discuss it with you
I might bring a bag of rocks
fucking throw at you because there has been
there has been
movies that we totally disagree it’s kind of
funny how people get
upset when someone
likes something that they don’t like like iPhones
yeah like anything what
about Mcgruber did you like Mcgruber
did you like I’ve not seen Mcgruber but I When I
first saw the preview
I thought it looked like the dumbest fucking
movie I’ve ever seen in my life yeah
I heard it was
awesome dog shit
I heard it was awesome no I
heard it was dog shit really
Mcgruber I haven’t heard
thing I haven’t
heard it was
stupid on SNL
how the hell did they make a
movie out of
it looks retarded
snl’s like one of those
things that’s really been kept
alive because the YouTube clips
you know like when a good SNL
sketch gets on YouTube and makes you want to watch SNL
again but otherwise I would have no
no Desire it
Kept Alive by
Andy Sandler whatever his name is who’s that
the young guy that makes all
those skits like on a Boat and
stuff that dude’s hilarious
oh is he the one that’s
I’ve never seen that sketch but I heard that song
yeah yeah he’s he does all these like little skits
on Saturday
Night Live and it makes the show in my opinion
that and now
the one main girl on there that’s hilarious dude I
haven’t watched that
live in years I
haven’t watched it so long
but I watch
like a good monologue on YouTube or something like that
there’s just certain shows that
after a while I’m like that’s it done
I can’t keep coming back that well
you know you fucked me too many times
Andy Samberg
I just got into just got into True
Blood you guys in a True
Blood oh no I
watched 1/2 an episode and I was like this
silliness have you got to
watch it from the
first time I’ve
watched so goddamn
tired of vampires
don’t eat people I
mean what kind of nonsense are we they
people barely
well they got
do you know the premise of it yeah they have some fake
blood that they use
and they finally came out
vampires are
out and it’s like
you know it’s like why do you like that show
I dig it dude seriously I’m bored
no I like that’s like mixing
vampires with Gilmore Girls
it’s like that’s the worst shit ever man that’s so
gay I only watched episode one you gotta see the first
I’ve seen the first
whatever season 2 seasons or whatever you saw 2
seasons and it was gay
I hate it I don’t understand
I stopped after 5 episodes no no no
no I was and it was good
there’s been many shows where I’ve
watched because of my girlfriend
and so like that’s one of them
and that I can’t wait to see sex
sex in the City
was 50 times better than that show
but no that show to me was just I can’t I couldn’t even
I was amazed that people like that show I
like fucking I like the promise
I like it Dexter
I never watched that show
i watched dexter i
never watched that show but i did
watch a half
an episode i was like you know what i have just hit
vampire overload
there’s too many fucking
vampire shows man it’s too
silly it’s there’s
too many different rules that people are making up for
vampires now
like oh they can go in the
light but they just sparkle
like fuck you man no there’s some rules for
vampires alright
the rule is
if you’re gonna
drink people’s
blood when the sun comes out you fucking die
bitch you’re supposed to hide you hide in the dark
you can’t be
going to high school
and walking around with everybody cause it’s
cloudy that’s retarded
this is stupid this is fucking
you can’t keep doing this and it’s like
it’s to me it’s a symptom of our
culture all
these vampire
movies are a symptom of our
culture we live in
vampires for real
the reason why people are so into this
it’s like when you
when you look at like how infantile our
culture is we want
to believe that
there is silly fake shit out there like vampires
we believe so much retarded shit
as far as just what
the government feeds us and the news feeds us and what
corporations feed us and
our perceptions of how we have this world
under control and
everything’s fine and
wars or just and all the
crazy shit that we
justify ourselves doing
if we can believe all that shit
you know why not
vampires it’s fucking half a step away
half a step away
is there a movement are there websites
about people that really have
evidence that
vampires really exist
there’s people that
think they’re
vampires for real
people have committed murders because
because of that because they believe they’re
vampires totally there’s people that
think they’re werewolves
you know they
think they’re fucking close holy
that’s rude there’s people that shave their
teeth into fangs
eddie there’s people that shave their
teeth in the fangs
i’ve seen that but that’s the
point time it’s like yeah
okay look the guy’s not undead
and yeah he’s not he’s not
gonna live forever and he’s not gonna
drink people’s
blood to stay
alive but people are
crazy enough to
think that they are
vampires to
truly believe
it and actually go out and murder somebody and
drink their
blood people are that nuts man
what if that’s
real shit if you’re a fucking complete and
total loser
and you have nothing
going on in your life your life is unbelievably bad
and the only
thing that’s
exciting is the thought of
biting someone’s neck and sucking
their blood out and killing them
do you guys what if
vampires are have anunnaki
blood and they just
did you hear about
that king kong
you guys hear
about that case in texas i
think it was two thousand six six six two thousand six
where the woman
named her kids
after satan like they were
named after like satanic names
and then on that day she murdered
them all and they like
drink their
blood or oh my god
really yeah
i think was two thousand six oh man
that satan thing is the surest
sign that you’re fucking bananas
if you believe in
jesus that’s one
thing it seems like
you know i mean
maybe there was a real person that
existed but all the
magic things attributed to him really
and you’re gonna believe that just
cause it was a long time ago
that seems to me to me
completely silly
but it’s acceptable
it’s like okay i
understand where you coming from i
understand that’s what you believe i
understand you know
everybody has
their own point of view
but when you
start talking
about devils
you start talking
about satan
like jesus christ really
you think there’s a fucking bad man
who’s pulling people strings
and tempting you with
pussy and cigarettes and you really you
think that’s real that
a devil makes you make bad decisions
and it makes you rape and beat people up but you
think the devil’s doing that
tempting you
that’s so infantile
it’s amazing that people even consider it
and we know that
there’s there’s a part of us that knows that talking
about the devil’s
ridiculous that’s
why you don’t hear the president talking about it
the president will always talk
about god he’ll
never talk about the devil
the president was like may god bless our
troops you know we believe that god is on our side like
bush said a bunch of
wacky god shit
never once did he say
we’ve found
satan and he’s in iraq
we know where
satan is we’re gonna
drill to the core of the earth
until we find satan
shrek see he’s
at all you mentioned
satan at all and you’re fucking crazy
you can say you know we believe we have
found the actual
cross that jesus was nailed on
and people will go wow holy shit
you can say
we think we
found where satan used to live
though get the fuck out of here
you what huh you
could actually say you can be an archaeologist and you
could say we believe we
found the cross that jesus was nailed on
but if you say we think we
found the box where satan lived in
people would go shut the fuck up
they wouldn’t even talk to you they
wouldn’t even take you serious for a
second they go this
crazy asshole thinks he found where the devil lives
isn’t that crazy
satan is a force dude it’s not a person
it’s not a real guy man
isn’t he a fallen angel i’m confused mean isn’t
he used to be cool
and they talk
shit shitty with god
i’m sorry for going off on true
blood i’m just on team jacob and it kind of gets
it’s alright brother it’s alright man again
werewolves don’t eat people that’s another fucking
thing we want
our goddamn cake and we want to eat it too
we want all the sexy
and none of the murder
werewolf was
stupid right or wolf or
you know what the wolfman was
stupid but i bought
it on dvd because i’m such a sucker for fucking horror
movies that’s how much i love horror
movies i’ll buy mediocre horror
movies and watch them on dvd
i put it on the
background while i was writing
nightmare on elm
street the new one did you see it
no no brian no i like
that actor though that’s that dude from the watchman
he’s the new freddy krueger
the dude who played
rorschach yeah but what’s
wrong with the old freddy krueger
you got it you
got an actor just to look like him freddy krueger
that’s one character he could play
until he’s ninety
eight because the
older he is in real life
yeah that was
cut out the old freddy when he was the shit there was
no what the problem is he became a joke or money
you think you wanted too much money
maybe because i mean seriously
the new guy just had makeup on to look like the old guy
you know so there’s not really any reason
other than that no he looked a little different you did
yeah it looked a little
creepier i saw some
pictures of it online i didn’t see the
movie but it looked a little the new guys is he young
he’s that no
well he’s a little
younger did he play himself was just like a prequel
like they showed
i don’t know i didn’t
that may have been the
fastest robert england’s like 75
i thought it was
just a redo i just i thought you just rebooted it
maybe it is is
robert england is he in bad shape
no i mean i
think i saw on the news he was upset
about it you know i was like
well when you try
to reboot something you want to do a different actor
i mean how many goddamn times they
gonna do the hulk
you know they
did the eric bana one and they’re like damn
what about what
about captain america aren’t they
doing it again or they’re trying it
again i don’t know
i know they did one back like what ten years ago the
hulk is the
weirdest one
though because they did it like a couple years
after the old one
the eric bana came out and then i’d like two or
three years
later the fucking
edward norton one came out when is wonder
woman coming out
i don’t know who
would play wonder woman
megan fox fuck
yeah for sure or scarlett
johansson she’s too
short dude she’s got some big titties
though she’s got it she’s
built like wonder woman
she’s got that wonder ass
shazam wonder
woman got to be tall
yeah but you can make her tall just put her with a
bunch of short people
you put her with a bunch of
short people and you give her high heels that’s how tom
cruise rocks in his movies
you know you just give them
a little lift and put them around people that aren’t as
tall as them
i wonder what the tallest guy is the
starred with tom cruise
probably well
brad pitt talked
about how they had
scenes where
tom cruise had to like
stand on planks and shit and really
try to make them
appear to be the same height
john pitt was
throwing them
under the not
throwing them
under the bus
but they were talking
about it in
the interview and brad pitt was confirming it yeah what
about evangeli
lily doing did i make that up i
might have made that up wonder woman
the girl from lost kate from lost
that would be a hot wonder
woman yeah she’s pretty hot yeah that
would work that
would be megan fox
gotta be wonder
woman for sure
that no one
would question
that she’s not
interesting
an interesting
conversation i read with brad pitt talking
about tom cruise
about working on that
movie together and something
about vampire
one yeah yeah interview with the vampire
and saying that he wished that something
about he wished tom cruise wasn’t so competitive
something like you know i wish they
could be better friends if
tom cruise was a more competitive i wish i remember the
quote i hope i’m quoting it correctly
but that’s fascinating you know
for sure cuz brad pitt was just coming up then that was
the new guy
he was just coming up and
tom cruise like
he you know he
campaign for that role
you know he wanted that role
a lot of people did not want him to play that vampire
you know like the and the anne rice
people didn’t take him seriously
because her
work was so serious it was such good writing
and they thought tom cruise
is this cheese ball actor who did top gun all these
stupid movies
you know like this guy can’t play lestat
like this like really intense
vampire but
goddamn that little
freaking act
yeah he pulled that shit off
strong man how good was that a
great movie one of the
great that’s a goddamn
vampire movie
son that’s the real shit
you know i mean that’s a
those are scary monsters
trapped in you know a person’s body
a person you know
their soul is
trapped in this
scary monsters body that needs to eat people
that’s that
movie was badass the little girl
kristen dunst
how fucking creepy was she
little chicken act man
in the lost boys was dude
lost boys come on
bram strokers was the best yeah
come on good one man gary oldman’s the
motherfucker he
crushes he’s the
motherfucker dude
he’s that guy he’s the best
i think he gets into roles
more than anybody does he like
transforms like
remember he
played that fucking drug dealer in true romance
how good was that shit
fuck yeah that movie the
ghetto the ghetto
white guy yeah yeah
yeah the do with the
dreadlocks have you been following gary coleman
shit around lately
i heard anthony
from opi and
anthony say that he thought that gary’s wife killed him
well she was trying to sell
photos of him laying in bed
minutes before he died to tmz
did you hear that
photos and she sold them somebody bought them
but she was
shopping around
she took a bunch of
photos of him in bed like i
guess all fucked up
right before she died
the nurses and doctors all saw it
and then she
shopped around the
photos and somebody just bought them i guess
today or yesterday
how fucked up is that oh my god
he must have had a real tiny dick huh
yeah sometimes
short guys just like mini me sometimes
short guys have big ass dick so it balances itself out
but he probably was
short it doesn’t
it didn’t matter even if he had a big dick he’s
you know he’s
it would have had sad
guy it would
have helped it
would have been
troy is hanging in there he’s partying
that guy’s depressed as fuck at times like
watch my celebrity rehab show
that was horrendous he was on celebrity rehab
yeah oh my god
dude he was the
biggest disaster of all time yeah
not bigger than tom size oh my god dude
cause i only saw last
season that is the best show on tv celebrity rehab
but i haven’t seen anything french roy was like pissing
in his room
like what he was crying
celebrity rehab what was it that was um yeah
that was the one with the
what time is it guy
right like all the all the
be level celebrities
no no celebrity
house or so
what’s that
how was someone’s
gonna talk about it
it wasn’t celebrity rehab
i saw what you’re talking
about yeah yeah he was pissing all over himself
yeah he’s on this little buggy driving around yeah
that way anyway the
point is i don’t
think that guy’s that happy
i think he’s a mess
thank god we have webster
i follow him webster
strong i follow webster
strong just went up
i’m gonna follow him
today what is it
vern troyer
something like that
it’s i’ll find it surreal life
thank you everybody it’s a
real life there
twitter com backslash tinypoop
i think yeah man i
think that’s that’s got to be one of the
greatest tortures in life to be you know deformed
trying to make fun
of your deformity to make a living you know but think
about that most
most people you look at
like someone with no arms no legs and really like our
first instinct is like damn he’s
never gonna be
truly loved he’s never
gonna be desired
like you imagine
being this person who is not desired
no one wants them
sexually you
know but really
when we’re all eventually
gonna be there
because who
like like i’m sure
a hot 22 year old
supermodel would rather fuck
a gray maynard
not gray maynard what’s his name
what’s that the guy
with no arms no legs
oh kyle kyle kyle maynard
yeah then some 90 year old man
you know what i mean
we’re all gonna
we’re eventually
gonna get there we’re
gonna be just so that’s how
about it’s how much people
wanna fuck you desire
the quality of your life no but that in
that’s the instinct that’s when
you look at
someone who’s deformed like oh my god no one’s ever
gonna love them
cause girls are programmed
to stay away sexually
generally from
right burn victims
people that
amputees right we all are cripples yeah we
are it’s a natural
thing so when we look at someone who’s
in a wheelchair we
think fuck that sucks
he’s so young and
he’s fucked but eventually
we’re gonna get there they just got it in advance
we’re all gonna walk through that fire
unless we die early
but we’re all
gonna be just as desired
as that person so
it’s something to think
about it’s like
really what’s life all
about we’re all
gonna end up living half our lives at least
where no one wants to fuck up
how are you
gonna handle
that i think
what’s a much bigger
issue is that they don’t have
freedom they’re locked in a trap of a body and they
never get to be a normal person they’re surrounded by
other people that are normal
that’s the torture man it’s not
just whether or not people want to fuck them yeah but
eddie isn’t in that
yeah it’s hot in here if you’re gonna get
married though
50 of that time you’re
gonna be with somebody maybe that
doesn’t want to be desired by most people
either but you both are undesirable together and you
go you go 20 years without having sex we
had 20 years the desirable
thing is as much of
a you know as a factor with
those people as why me and
you know why did i get
fucked why am i the person with this terrible situation
why can’t i just be normal
i don’t even i mean
sure everybody wants people to love them but i think
what they really want is to just not be a mess you
know to not be a physical mess not be
some sort of a genetic aberration
you know that’s
what the the feeling of the terrible feeling of pain is
you know that’s why
these guys are all fucked up and
angry and gary
come was angry as fuck before he died
you know you always hear
about stories
about him yelling at people
he was he had to work
a regular job man he was working as a security guard
could you imagine
people just come up to him and fuck with him all day
yeah the only reason i know that is
cause the dave chappelle
sketch that he did on gary
called i never
saw that oh it’s amazing oh
no it’s amazing dude what did he do
he plays gary coldman
so he plays the whole
sketch on his knees oh
no security
guard and then some
chick he fights a
chick some chicks
fighting and then they cut to
like the chick
fighting a doll
it’s so bad
a doll in his security outfit
and she’s tossing
very cold around she throws in the minutes
his show was so ridiculous
what was the one
sketch where he was
fighting king kong and he
hit king kong or godzilla hit godzilla with an uppercut
knocked him out
what the fuck was that
it was so ridiculous
which what was that
sketch i don’t know but remember when he
he has that sketch
it was the last
season the unfinished
season where
he goes back and
and he fucks with everybody who told him that
people that
didn’t believe in him like club owners and all that
stuff he blew up
like the old club that
that he was banned from right and
he fucked up his old acting
teacher who told him that he
would never make it so it’s like
and then at the very end when he goes to the comedy
club to blow up the comedy
club he blows it up and he walks out and there’s like a
a lady walking across the
street and he’s so on fire that he blew
the club up and
the club owner was in a
wheelchair and he
threw him down the steps and
let the place on fire
he takes his baby this
random lady’s
crossing the
street takes his baby and
punk kicks the baby right
just out of nowhere
that’s how the
sketch ends
like he was so
happy that he got his revenge
that he grabs his newborn baby
but kicks it
nothing to do with the sketch
so ridiculous this show was so
ridiculous you guys remember the
first episode of different strokes
where mr drummond took his two new boys
willis and arnold
and got it and they all got in the hot
tub together and they were all wearing tighty whities
no it was really creepy as a kid and it
haunts me every day when i
wow how weird is that
i love different
strokes that was one of my favorite shows
it’s gross that todd
bridges was on fear factor
and you know
he’s an angry dude he’s got
i mean he kept it together for the most part up
until the part where
he lost he got eliminated
he didn’t even want to
shake my hand
really he walked away
wouldn’t shake my hand
yeah he was
upset he thought
it was some sort of conspiracy to make him lose
i don’t exactly know
what the fuck he had to do or what it was what he was
upset about
but he was so
upset he didn’t want to
shake my hand i’m like wow
now you see why this dude
you know why his life is kind of fucked up like his
his automatic way of looking at
things is like negative his automatic way of looking at
things like someone’s out to get me
someone’s fuck with me all it ain’t
gonna be fair
oh i see how it is you know it’s like automatically
like do this fucking six people in the show
five of them have to be losers
you go you’re one of the five shit happens man you
gotta move on with your life
but not for him man he’s an angry dude
which is kind of interesting man we were talking
about this before that toxoplasma
that’s that cat
tranquilizer or
the cat parasite rather
we talked about this on
other shows before but i
watched a documentary yesterday and read some articles
about it and
this thing called toxoplasma
is a very common parasite that
human beings get that
completely alters our behavior
and get this in brazil
sixty six percent of the
population is infected with this toxoplasma
and it does two
things it makes
women submissive
and it makes men reckless jerks
makes men assholes and it makes
chicks submissive
it sounds like
like brazil ecstasy
dude no no no not like that
it makes men reckless
it makes them
cope shit like coke no no no
no it reprograms the mind it’s a parasite
this is the
crazy thing the parasite exists
first in rats
and what it does with rats is it gets rats convinced
that it rewires
their sexual
brain the sexual aspect of the brain
and it gets
them to be aroused and connected to cat piss
so these rats
it hijacks their
sexual system
so their sexual
system all of a
sudden becomes sexually aroused like
their testes
swell their balls swell
because they
smell cat piss
so these motherfuckers are searching
after cat piss so they’re
going towards
where cats live
where cats mark
their territory
they’re attracted to that
and they’re
not afraid of cats anymore for whatever reason
so the cats obviously eat
these rats because the rats are retarded they
stand there
while the cat’s there
with their balls all
swollen and a heart on
the cat eats them
the cat eats the rats
then the cat hangs around with people
and we have to
clean the cat shit
and when people
clean the cat shit sometimes people
touch the cat shit
and if you touch the cat shit and it gets inside your
bloodstream through either an open swore
or maybe something in your food or
maybe an open
you know you
touch your eyes or something like that
that shit gets in your body man
and 60 million
people in this country are infected by it
and it affects your behavior it
changes your behavior you get it from blowjobs
maybe you could get it from raining
you get it from
touching raw meat as well the
yeah it’s yeah 60 something
million people in this country are affected by and
they said a disproportionate
amount of people who die in
motorcycle accidents
one of the things he was talking about was
that they would
test motorcycle accident
victims for toxoplasma because the toxoplasma this
parasite that
you know this cat parasite
makes people
do nutty shit makes people wild cats used to rule the
world maybe they used to like
used to be bigger than it is now
maybe that’s
what the cats
really the world
thing is are
people getting rid of the cats now
are you getting rid of your cats no no keep
your cat away
from he’s all
submissive yes
maybe but he then be a hebrew woman
but look if you think
about brazilians brazilian men are notoriously
aggressive brazilian
women notoriously
submissive and sexual
maybe that’s what it is i mean 66
two out of three women
of childbearing
age are infected with this
cat parasite i wonder if it has something to do with
their asses
if there’s a
connection you
think that’s why they put
their ass in that i mean there’s a reason
there’s a reason that 85
of all women
between the ages of 18
and 48 have
great asses in
rio there’s
gotta be something and it
could be cat piss it
could be the milk
and why do cats put their
butt up in the air when you tap on it
cause they want you to get that dirty shit
yeah that’s
right he’s like no look i got
this for you well that’s on this
that’s an interesting
thing that you said that because that’s one of the
things that this
one of these articles was saying was that
people who are normally
polite people when they sneeze
will sometimes inadvertently or
unconsciously
turn towards people and sneeze
like they don’t even realize why they’re doing it like
they almost have an instinct to turn towards people and
sneeze i’ve seen people do it before wow
where they go like this
like you stand
like literally weird
you you have like your your body
is trying to get you to fucking blow a
sneeze on somebody this is the theory
how many cats
do you have
very possible if you think
about what it does to cats
and what it does to people
it’s very possible that some viruses could
try to get you to be attracted
to people when they expel
how many cats do you have i have two but joey diaz has
ten or nine
what the fuck cocksucker
stop bringing up my cats
y’all need i got a good amount
y’all need to get tested seriously
yeah not just like
i’m being real here no totally dude
if you think
about that if if
if your cat has ever been outside you
think your cat may have eaten a rat
you know oh my cats have
never been outside yeah well then i don’t
think you have to worry
about what is the
thing in brazil they leave
those cats out a little what’s the cured
anyway you’re fucked
you might have to change the cat
box with condoms on the
no that’s not a cure
yeah what way
to keep you from infecting
other cats well with the know
exactly yeah no it’ll keep
you from getting and getting in your porch
right but that’s not a cure that’s a preventive
method but once you get it i don’t
think you could do anything
about it the cure is just a water bottle that you
spray yourself with like you know
it’s fascinating when you think
about that your whole life could get
hijacked like some parasite
could literally take over your body
and talk your body into living a totally different life
and what the doctor was talking about is the scientist
suplaski i believe his name is
what he was talking
about was that the idea of free will
is really an illusion like there’s a
bunch of mitigating factors that
cause you to move
in one direction or another and make certain decisions
you know and so the
think that you have complete free will is kind of silly
if you go on amazon there’s a
urine detector for cat urine
and if you ever buy
just be warned it
doesn’t just detect
urine it detects a lot of
gross shit so
try it’s kind of cool what
i like calm like if you put on your bed it’s just like
every all this shit comes up it’s pretty
scary dude but that you’ve seen
those inside
edition things
where they go to like
right hotel rooms and
check the covers oh dude dude just
jizz all over the covers
it’s like a goddamn jackson pollock
painting every time you walk in a room with a
black light
it just loads
everywhere loads all over the
floor loads on the wall you’ll find loads
everywhere i have
several times i’ve
pulled out a load and just
just let it drip on the fucking carpet just
in a hotel dude
have you ever thrown your
just spilled the carpet might have
i’m just not thinking about i’m not judging you
i might have for sure but i can’t remember any you ever
throw your cum on the wall at a hotel room i’ve
never done that no
try it it’s so awesome just take a look just
throw it on the wall like spider man the fuck
is wrong with you never done that do it
that is the nastiest
fluid it’s really pretty much the same
thing as it’s not
you know it’s phlegm
but the fact that it also can make babies
you know it just makes it ultra
nasty it’s weird how some girls love the
taste of it and some girls don’t
if you had to choose between eating a dude’s snot
and eating a dude’s load
for sure you’re gonna go with snot what
you would take the load
i thought they meant chicks
yeah say if a guy’s got a gun to your head and so
you’re either gonna eat this load
or you’re gonna eat some
snot you’re like all right i’ll eat your snot yeah
eating your snot is just rude but what if the
snot was coming from the guy’s dick also what
that doesn’t even make sense like it somehow they put
in their ultimate world yeah
yeah yeah yeah
like a pastry right
right come from a dick or snot from a dick which one
would you take what are those pastry things called
those pastry squeezers
i don’t know
i don’t cook
imagine you could do that you stuff
stuff someone’s not up your look of your dick like that
and then squeeze it out dick spit
dick spit i like that one i’m gonna use that
have you guys been to
six flags lately no
i just have
i just found out it was like i live like 15
miles away from it so i got a
season pass go to the pool and stuff
like 15 miles
it’s amazing
though if you go on the rides during the day
it’s amazing like how
the people that work
their roller
coasters like
if you go on the highest biggest roller coaster
you get the best employees i
guess that work at
six flags but if you go on
that one boat that just rocks up and down
you obviously have the
worst employees
i had one guy and i
swear to god
he might be
mentally handicapped
so i don’t want
you know but he’s
literally is like
hey everybody
like seriously
he’s operating the ride operating the ride
like i don’t
even like i looked at him i’m like can i put my
water bottle on the ground here and he just was like
like glassy stare
like he had no idea he was even there
and i recorded and he’s operating the ride yeah
every you have a
video this i
have i don’t have
video but have his
voice of us getting on the ride
oh my god and i’ll play it
but it by the way man
have you been on like the roller
coasters they’ve been playing
or that they have out nowadays x2
is insane i will
never do that for x2
x2 is not like it’s not like regular roller coasters
flipping around
where you see
where you’re
going you see the loops
they flip you upside down
you’re upside down you’re
going backward
start out backwards
it’s fucking horrifying you did it yeah
there’s no way you can’t be
smooth my toes
were curling yeah that that’s the one that does like
like five different
is like five dimensions or whatever they say
is that what the one you’re talking
about where it’s like spins up and down
while you’re
going upside down you got the
video yeah here it is
alright explain this again
for people just
tuning in all
right this is the swing ride
where you get on like like you know like a serious
six flags yeah and it’s
about to get on the ride and this is the guy that
there’s a guy operating the ride that was really dumb
scary something very scary
right now listen
he called me and fuck on our journey
he thought that i’d please do not rock
please kick or hold on to the pirate in front
or behind you or you will have to watch this land
if at any time you start to feel dizzy
and wish for your attention and
over your mouth and where the other in my direction
as far as possible
as possible
thank you oh my god that was pretty incredible
that’s insane
that guy’s the guy who’s operating this fucking
death machine yeah
and i like i had said
i had said something to him
and i had said something to him and he looked at me
right in the eye but it was like glass
it was like wow this guy is not like this murder guy
i mean you know
maybe the dude is
super responsible just because he has this
tremendous speech impediment
maybe he’s a super responsible
super conscientious guy
maybe he’s deaf dude
have you ever thought about that
maybe he was deaf maybe you
can hear people
screaming to stop the ride that can’t be good
maybe you are if you’re the fucking dude who’s got
the hand on the ride button dude that ride was nothing
babies go on
those rides
it’s like a
merry go round
with swings what was it
which one was it
that one that
right that one is the one
which just spins in a circle which is
swings but but
still i mean it’s a ride you know and then
right okay so you
still think it’s too dangerous for retarded
well i mean it’s something
where’s the happens
you think he had a
what do you think was
wrong with them i
think it was special
maybe special special
ed special olympics
there’s no way that what
there’s no way
magic mount
would hire a retard okay but
what if there’s so
there’s there’s all sorts of
levels of impairment
human being suffer
maybe he passed a test like with
colors and stuff
is there a test
probably what do you
think the test is
like colors and
shapes like
those shapes that you put
in like the circles that’s why it seems like the test
would be there
you know the odds of getting killed in one of
those accidents is very very slim
but when it happens god damn that must suck
you know you put yourself on some
wacky roller coaster that flips you around you wind up
dying can you imagine hanging out with a dude
we gotta get a deaf dude and
on crystal mouth
where you just can’t shut up haha
you mad that we just won’t shut up
he’s got so many stories to tell you
by the way the guy was not deaf because when i
asked him the question he turned around when i
asked about the water bottle
it’s four twenty by the way hollow
so he’s not deaf he wasn’t deaf
so you think he maybe had some sort of autism
or something
something like that maybe but
with speech impediment
for sure right right
and what’s ridiculous is that on another ride
again it wasn’t like the biggest ride it was like
it was called the ninja which is a roller coaster
but they were like going to check everybody’s like
straps and stuff and the guy just
like you see him
checking it and then he goes
to mine and he just touched it like he just tapped it
i’m like you
weren’t even
lifting or anything you just touched it just
touching it does not
check anything you know
like i was like did he just touch it
you know what i mean like how they lift
it they assume that it’s
set but yeah that guy’s
it could be
loose and you can go flying out
yeah and then
what a fucking
scary way to die that must be
and then there was
this guy that
he kept on we were waiting in line for
a raft ride and it was really hot
and so every couple minutes he
would splash
everybody that’s in line with
water like he was the lifeguard
he was the one
that pushed you down over the side in this raft
but every couple minutes he would like
splash you and he kept on like fucking kicking
water in my face
so when i got up there
i just started fucking kicking
water back at him and he goes
and he blows the
whistle goes hey
we got a problem here i’m like
wait wait i can’t
splash you you just got done fucking
splashing me for 15 minutes
now i feel like i’m getting in
fights with people that are here to
make sure i
cook that but is that a part of the ride
that he splashes you no no no this is
while we’re waiting in line
so he’s just being a dick he’s just being a dick like
spraying people with water
and he was doing it like
he probably hit me like
three or five times
while did you ask him to stop no
everyone in
line was like what the fuck stop you know
there was like parents and
stuff and kids and
the kids were liking it
but you know it’s like hey so the kids were lagging it
yeah but so you
have the party
pooper no i
splashed them back i was like hey that’s you know
here’s the thing
that you have to consider
back to the subject of parasites when you’re at
those water parks man
have to be real careful
of swallowing that water
that water is funky as
fuck dude i saw really dangerous
turd in in the
water oh dude no
doubt there’s like a pool
like a wave pool and then they have like a
small like pool for just like kids and
stuff like that hey man i know a
burden i know a
woman who was a
nurse and her
daughter went to one of
those parks swallowed some
water and got horribly sick and became paralyzed
she got some sort of terrible infection
she was deathly ill
and she wound up with a
limited use of her legs man what
yeah are you serious dude infections can fuck with your
whole system that
horrible infection
you know cole
escovido you know cole
escovito he had
staff and he was paralyzed man
he almost couldn’t walk
again it took him like
over a year to recover from that shit
you can get an infection dude that just
wrecks your
whole life and
those water parks are
prime that water is not
clean at all that
water is death
you swallow a
mouthful of that
water like if you go to a
water park with your kids
you gotta be real upfront with them
about this you
gotta say you cannot take this
water into your
mouth this is bad dangerous water
for real it
sounds ridiculous but
you really shouldn’t take your kids on
those slides
or those water rides
they get a mouthful of that shit
you little four year old
who doesn’t know any better they
could get fucking
deathly ill they could die
did you know you’re not supposed to swallow
even a drop
of toothpaste
yeah toothpaste has fluoride
in it it’s poisonous yeah
fluoride is bad for you
it’s really bad
i used as a kid when i was like
drunk driving i
would keep toothpaste in my car
and i would like put it in my
mouth and swish it in between
mouth and swallow it
yeah well you’re
dying now that’s why
you’re rotting
out from the inside
that’s why you got that cat piss
going on it’s
fighting the cat piss my fluoride
dude it’s no joke man fluoride is
scary shit yeah that’s the reason why it kills
everything in the
water and everything in your
mouth it just seems like you
should tell people that hey this
thing that you put in your
mouth don’t swallow it
no one ever
i buy that hippie
i buy hippie
toothpaste i buy that
uncle tom’s of maine
stuff it doesn’t have any
anything or tom’s have made
uncle tom i made him
uncle i used to eat some guy
you used to eat tv
guys tv guys
seriously that’s how poor i was
i would turn on pieces of
paper i would
i would like
eat like a complete page but i would
snack on little
pieces of it are you fucking serious
seriously had like this witness
i guess i was mineral deficient or something and needed
fiber or something wow
i see the tv guide
i used to eat boogers
you guys everyone used to eat boogers
right no no i wasn’t ever
into boogers i was
in the dirt and
grass i like
taking like a real
wet a tangy
sloppy booger
and you just keep rolling it working it on your finger
until it’s a
solid ball and then you eat it and i would
munch on it
it’s like making bread you know what i mean
i’m fighting back a dry heave
i used to eat grass so long time ago
i used to eat
grass so much as a kid that now i could get wheat grass
juice and i love the
taste of wheat grass just
because i used to eat so much grass as a kid wow
i fucked up the day at jamba
juice i totally did not mean to do this
but there’s this girl she
got me my wheat grass juice
and she goes do you want an orange
chaser with it and i go no i’m okay i’m like oh this
stuff is nasty
and i downed it
and she goes
she goes you think it’s
nasty i love the
taste i go oh that’s
cause you’re a cow
oh you really
did but i didn’t mean that though what i mean
what are you a cow
was it fat pig
no she wasn’t
but every girl
thinks she’s fat
but it was a dude
you know we were joking around
before that you know it was like all friendly talk
and i just i totally didn’t you can’t call a girl a cow
you could tell a dude a cow
like if a guy said like you know
i’d like to
taste a wheat
grass like what are you a fucking cow like
you’d be joking around with them like as long as you’re
laughing and smiling
it would be all fun
but with a girl you could
never call her a cow
i could call you a cow
if you’re eating grass
i’m like what are you a fucking cow
yeah that’s
everything you
would laugh or you
could call a
white guy like if he’s a
beast that motherfuckers a gorilla
right right
i call you a
gorilla all the time yeah you can’t say that
about a black dude
yeah you can’t they get mad
yeah what are you guys saying
what are we saying why
would they get mad
what you what the fuck
brian why are you even
bringing it up
i totally right
after it came out of my
mouth i wanted
to take it back but then i didn’t want to address it
i didn’t want to
anyway i really don’t mean you’re a cow
it was a terrible idea to joke that i wasn’t thinking
i just said it and then
after i’d escaped my
mouth i was like oh you dick
but it didn’t mean to be a dick
so i’m in this new part of a relationship
where when i fart
i can’t say it’s a fart yet so how do you get to that
part of the relationship
where you can just like haha i farted
you know cause i’m so tired of
don’t go there
don’t go there
it’ll kill everything i know but
be honest is the sex
drive exactly
where it was
was from the
from the beginning to
the way it is now same thing yeah
absolutely has it
tapered off at all no no
don’t fart it’s getting way
better don’t fart
good reason to
have all those
animals around the
other day it was
so bad i had no excuses i couldn’t say the cat did it
cause i’ve said it so many times
and luckily she didn’t say a word
you know you
should just ignore it no just
you know in the middle of the
night while you’re sleeping
punch her in the nose
and then her nose will
swell up she’ll
get a deviated septum it makes it much harder to
smell farts
yeah farting in your
sleep and you ever fart
so loud you wake up in your sleep are
you okay to fart in
front of your girl i don’t
just out of respect
did you leave the room i accidentally
leave the room sometimes
like if she walks in like she walk into my office
i’m like you better back the fuck up i just farted
you know i don’t fart in
front of it
cause i don’t want her fart in
front of me
this is what i’m
thinking is there’s times
where i have to fart
really really bad but i’ll just hold that
motherfucker and then i fall asleep
is there any way you hold it
while you’re
still asleep no there’s no way
no way i had an ex
girlfriend wake me up
cause she was farting
she farted so loud it woke me up and i was like
what the fuck did i hear
and i was like look at her ass and then a
second one came out
like a really loud one
and then she woke up she was like
what happened i go
yeah what happened
then i went back to
sleep you know
those vacuums that they have at the car wash
places you know what i mean
if they’d have one
right by your bed you just all right
like a smoker
like a smoking
you’d always have to think
about things
stuck to your ass
what i did last gone bro
what i did last
night is i got
tip off the internet
is that you take a little bit of vicks
vaporub and
put around your asshole so even if it does far just
smells like vicks vaporub
so on the internet
got a tip to do that yeah you try that your asshole’s
gonna light on fire
that’s terrible advice bro
you can’t put chemicals in your assholes
right now you gotta put capsaicin
right on your
butthole your butthole is like open sores
it’s like an open wound
you know it’s super
super open skin it’s incredible how
air tight it is because you know
there’s like a gigantic explosion like
right there at the end but you can’t
so what can you do besides vapor rub that would tell
you like if you rub like
shaving cream or alcohol
aftershave on your hands it never bothers you at all
but if you rub that shit in your balls it’s
gonna fucking hurt
and your balls like
you dip your dick in it if you dip your dick in that
stuff and it touches like that soft tissue
you put that around your asshole
what about just some bubble gum or something
just bubble gum
plug it up with some bubble gum before you go to bed
put roses around it
like glue roses
around it so it goes through a rose filter some
lemon juice
maybe that’s what you could do
make a filter out of roses like a diaphragm
right it has little
stickies on it on the side
and you stick it
right to your butthole so it’s like a filter
so when you fart it goes through it was an snl
sketch like
maybe 15 years ago it was a
commercial parody
where they go
now you can you know
no more embarrassing
farts whatever they take a big horn
stuck a big horn in your ass
and then when you
would fart there’d be an electronic
voice that said
how about them dodgers
oh i remember that yeah
i remember that it
was like the
worst thing ever
somebody it
was just how
about them dodgers
and then it did filter out your fart
smell it is pretty incredible when you
think about all the
technology that we have that we have zero invested
in farts we have nothing invested in
cleaning up the
smell of farts
there’s no product
farts are like a normal part of everyone’s day
and yet there’s no
technology that
exist to try to deal with there
should be like a fart sucker
built inside the seat cushion
where you sit down
and it’s like
right there
and you could
secretly just
press that button
why don’t they have filters
they have a filter on the top of my litter box
so that i don’t
smell my cat’s shit
there’s a charcoal filter
why don’t they make filters for your
underwear if you like
if you like to eat a lot of mexican food or if you’re
going out drinking you know you’re
gonna be farting
why don’t they have some filters
yeah that’s a good idea like
like fart kotex
yeah exactly like far kotex
buildings your underwear
your saturday night
party and short
velcro and shit
this is your saturday
night party and
underwear and they have
built in charcoal filter yeah or
they’re scented
like strawberries or something like that
like a butt plug to dig
because you
gotta fuck with the
noise too the
noise is gonna fuck ever so you need to
stick something in your ass like
maybe a couple inches
and then it just
makes something realistic well
the noise would be way
muffled if you got a cortex over your butthole
uh how much
not a real loud one
right not my farts
i’ll tell you what i’ll tell you what i’d say
tate fletcher
would be their fucking product management guy
he’d be the one to test to see the
efficacy of their
individuals filters
it would be
sound though is white
trench coat
sound you fucking clipboard tate
he’s like organizing
he’s like head of the science team like it’s
and it’s all built around his gas
scope you like put this death to go real
near stomach
to try to determine whether i was ready to fart
did you fart no it’s hot as fuck it’s hot i got my ac
broken this side of the house
i gotta get it fixed
get some mexicans to fix that hey
what the fuck
again with the mexicans man
jesus so speaking of mexicans the
gulf of mexico the the fucking oil spill
they’ve just determined
that the oil is coming out in multiple locations
they’ve just confirmed
that it’s not just this one spot so even if they
dig this relief well it
still might be fucked
cause the oil’s coming out from
all these different spots like very far away from each
other it’s a fucking mess dude
has it fucked up cancun yet
i don’t know
dude once it goes around the florida
and goes up the
coast that’s
crazy because i mean just
think myrtle
beach florida
beaches all that shit
you’re not gonna be able to swim in that
beach on the east
coast yeah all
those beaches
are jack dude it
might go to england
yeah the whole
thing that’s fine it’s so
incredible that they don’t have a way to stop the oil
that they’re allowed to make
these things and not have fail saves you
would think there
would be a bunch of set fail saves
if there’s a
rupture in this line we shut it off here there’s a
rupture here we shut it off here
this way we can
absolutely ensure there will be no pollution
comes out of this what
kind of animals are
gonna evolve and thrive in the oil
crazy beasts
probably not
gonna happen what’s probably
gonna happen
maybe millions of years from now if it kept
i’m talking what’s
gonna happen to kill all
these animals off
oh make believe
on something
fire monster
some fucking dragon that eats the oil
and then stores it like a special gland
and it’s got rocks in the back of his
throat that’s how it
sparks up the
flame he shits cold
how many dragons are there in ancient
cultures and where the fuck did that come from dragons
still exist man
i went to the zoo and some of these lizard things
those looked like komodo dragons
right that shit’s
crazy if you just
have you seen a komodo
yeah i think komodo dragons were just like
dwarfs of their big old
so you think
like the chinese dragon came from someone saw like
a crocodile
or kimono dragon
and just drew it
the story went
dude drawing
is being misinterpreted
you know like when you were saying that dude
like there was drawings of people with tails and
stuff that’s
right it’s just some gay guy that
some dude was drawing you know like he’s
dressed up as a dragon or it
could have been like
you know the national enquirer for 6 000 years ago they
just making shit up
exactly right
yeah that’s possible
okay if you had to believe in one
dragons or vampires
you had to choose one dragons
dragons fucking
vampires dude
vampires are so
stupid don’t forget
about ariel
think about that
think about that i believe what
werewolves before
name one cool dragonfly
no i believe
vampires before i believe werewolves because i think
vampires what
could it be is
it could be some sort of a parasite
something that hijacks your
system yeah but
vampires must be dead
and you can yeah but what if the parasite hijacks your
aging system too
and keeps you
alive but it makes you feast
on blood by where
was could be
just the idea of a
blood sucking person
a person lives off blood
that a parasite could
trick you into
doing that that is way more possible than a werewolf
someone changes back and forth to another animal
and then back
again that’s
ridiculous so you’re saying that sun can burn people
during the day
no but i could
say that if they
if they had some sort of a crazy
blood problem
you know where they may be intensely
anemic they
might have like a real aversion
to sun they
might lose the pigment in their eyes
it’s possible man if you think
you see the shit that parasites do do to
different insects
different caterpillars
and bugs and
ants and all sorts of different
things their
whole bodies get hijacked by parasites
completely rewires
their entire
system it happens to
frogs it happens to lizards
so many different animals
exist in the animal kingdom
recently discovering new parasites
that hijacked new hosts who
caused them to do
so let’s get this straight the cat parasites make
women more horny
it makes women more
submissive it makes
i mean there’s all sorts of
you know interpretation
of what how it exactly affects them but
it seems to
make men and
women the opposite makes men more aggressive
and are they
gonna borrow
some crazy guy
with a beard
down it doesn’t calm them down brazilian
women aren’t calm
well then that
doesn’t make
sense then because they’re wild too
and they have to deal with all
those wild men
so it makes them extra
wild what are you saying man
this is all
based off the research
of one guy right
no no no no no is this
based no no no no no talk so
toxoplasma is
very well established no i mean that’s overtaking like
this no no no this no
no it’s not
how do they know
what he says
six million people
or 60 million people rather in america have it
is the cdc if you look
online there’s many different studies many different
ports many different
scientists working on this
toxoplasma is a very real parasite that is
actually detectable in people
that they know
is also responsible in part or connected in part
to all sorts of different
psychological ailments
yeah but the part that it’s
schizophrenia making girls
submissive that part of this
whole thing
no that’s not just one guy
saying this no
it’s a bunch it would also
it changes all sorts of animals i said it changes rats
makes them attracted cat piss
changes men makes them assholes
makes them reckless
i mean it’s really fascinating
stuff that when
you when you hear that guy’s research and you think
about how many different parasites might
exist that we don’t even know about
yeah did your mic
to some plug mine yeah
no i hear me you don’t hear me
my shit don’t
worry check
check check
check there we go
but i can’t hear you we can’t hear joe that’s the thing
yeah your mic just went out
what about now
check check
okay how much was out
check just for like
20 seconds yeah okay
talking about cat piss
anyway we know
that these parasites
exist and we know that
these parasites affect people
and if we know there’s just a couple of them
how do we not know that there’s a
bunch more that we
haven’t detected yet what about
did you as a kid used to eat
those green
weeds with the
yellow flower on the top did you ever eat those
the dogs would
piss on them
dogs would pee on them and i
would eat them
oh dandelions
the green stalks
with a yellow flower at the top yeah that’s a dandelion
dandelions you eat yeah you eat the grass
dogs piss on them all the time
take about the
parasites i got in my balls right now
kiss is good for you
oh man you have some sort of
crazy piss parasite
have you ever thought
about that how
crazy that is though that if there really is
an animal parasite that makes people
like aggressive it makes
women submissive
like that is brazil
dudes are super
aggressive cocaine
yeah i don’t
that makes cocaine
makes women submissive
it makes them drop to
their knees
immediately that’s just because they need that coke
right they’re just
happy to get that coke
no i think crazy the coke makes them immediately
submissive yeah i
think it’s coke too
definitely remember
larry used to have coke
around just you don’t want to
blow up anywhere spot
no one knows who larry is
the cable guy
that’s one thing i’ve
never fucked with and i’m very glad
never tried that shit
never fucked with it
i knew too many people that had real problems with it
i’ve done coke
maybe five times in my
whole life maybe
three to five times sucks
scary pussies well
they say you got to get that rockstar
coke that’s what uh
tom sawyer from cobbs in san francisco
he’s always saying you gotta get that rock star coke
shit i read somewhere something
about coke how there’s bad coke
going around now
that like will eat your skin like it has some kind of
fucking chemical in it that just
starts burning your skin what
ah fuck i don’t i
gotta google this now
bad cocaine
what was it you were telling me
about tylenol what the fuck is
going on with tylenol so
if you try to get
tylenol right now i
guess there’s this huge
tylenol like
where they pulled it from the
store shelves
and what’s crazy
is that i did some research on it
and it seems like
so they did all
these things
where they went to the factories
where tylenol was made and they
found like bacteria
inside tylenol they found
the chemicals that were being made to make
tylenol were off like there was too
much of one chemical and not enough of another chemical
so it could possibly have got
made kids sick
and so they pulled off
tylenol off the shelves i guess
but then the other day
there was this report that came out
there was this report that came out
that johnson and johnson the company that owns
tylenol or whatever
hired this third
party company from san diego
to act like customers and go into grocery
stores and buy all this one product off the shelf
like they were doing a phantom recall
meaning they didn’t want to tell anybody or anyone to
know so they hired a company to go into grocery
stores and do
pharmacies to take this product off their shelf
and then they got caught and then a month
later they recalled
this other drug it’s just like
tying all i forget the name of it
it was like another one of the
kids tying all or something
something like that how much have you looked into this
seriously it was like a half hour today i just
read around today
but ty and all
johnson johnson was supposed to give over to the fda
like this report
about their findings and
stuff like that
and they missed the deadline i
think the deadline was yesterday or two days ago
they missed the deadline so something
might be up with
tylenol so if you have any
tylenol from
2008 you might want to go
check it out
throw it away or do whatever you have to do
because there was another report i was reading as
i say something like there was 30
deaths related to
tyronol in the last two years
and they don’t know if that’s connected or not either
so i don’t know
google search
tyronol recall
there’s some
crazy shit going on with some
tyronol right now
wow they’re saying that
the pharmacist that we were at
said that there
might not be tyronol
until 2011 damn
who was fuck who’s who got in
trouble for cyanide
they’re saying there’s
potential criminal
charges and indictments yeah that’s what they’re saying
about tylenol yeah
what the and it’s
crazy cause you pay
extra for tylenol you know your
tylenol’s like more expensive than like the
average paid
brand right and you
would think that they would have
their shit together a little bit better than fucking
first toyota now this
what’s next fucking coca cola
imagine that
shit well as the economy
starts to fuck up as you know people
start to make less and less
money you’re
gonna see more and more problems i’m sure
less and less research is
gonna be done less and less you know
fail safe measures
did you watch the last comic
standing last night
no i gave up on that show a long time ago was it
good i didn’t
watch it but i
heard it was okay
well fucking fascinating
yeah last comic
standing man i just don’t like the fact they
make them sit in a room
and do stand up comedy for
three people
you know that to me is just like what
that’s how they’re
gonna audition
they’re gonna
stand in front of
three people and one of them is
gonna try to pretend that they’re
simon is that what happens
one runs really mean is that how they do it
if you had a tremendous
migraine headache
and you only had two
things tylenol
or cocaine what
would you do
cocaine wow you
trust cocaine
that you don’t even know
where it came from
could come from some
fucking greasy immigrant
you can trust cocaine
over a nice american name
brand like tylenol so they made a few mistakes brian
how many good pills they put out huh
millions and millions and millions of people
all across the world
have had relieved headaches because of
tylenol and you want to hate because
they fucked up a little bit here and there that’s deep
come on man that’s deep
tylenol doesn’t get you laid
cocaine does wow i just got a good point
you know i got
some tylenol
baby if you
crush up tylenol
to powder like joey diaz
that’ll get you laid
the girls that you can only fuck because
you’re giving them coke you really shouldn’t fuck them
what models
no the fucking
people don’t really
wanna fuck you
that’s what i’m saying you know they fuck the factions
that like tylenol you
should only fuck girls who
wanna fuck you you shouldn’t fuck girls who
wanna fuck you for coke
i mean you gotta do what you
gotta do that’s the only way you can get laid i
understand your position i got cocaine
or i got my personality
which one you want baby if you have
two possibilities one
fucking girls who actually
wanna fuck you and two
fucking girls that you can only fuck
cause you give them drugs i
would say go with number one yeah
right yeah everybody wants
the person who’s fucking them to like to fuck them
nobody wants to be fucking some coked up
chick who’s
just got her
half an eye on the
nightstand at all times looking over at that mirror
while you’re banging her just wants another line
yeah but what if you’re
annoyed with the chick
you just want
her to fuck out but you want to drop and load first
then coke’s perfect
i guess but
doesn’t she want more coke
isn’t that the thing
about coke is you never
get rid of them they’ll be cool for like two hours
you give them a little bit and they’ll
think that’s enough
you just give him the
coke and tell him to
leave with some coke
and you tell him you’ll
meet him at the club and you got more coke you’re gonna
bring all the coke
meet him at the
club who has
locked the door
who has more aspirin
stories than joey diaz
what the fuck
i fucking crushed up aspirin
tell us a joey
story let me tell you something this is one time this
chick was like
i just need to get a line
i just need to get my dick suck
what a coincidence so we back
go back to my
place i’m telling this
bitch i got the best fucking coke ever
this shit’s coming straight
from pablo escobar
he delivered it himself
he came over on a fucking donkey with a
sombrero on
and a fat bag of coke
hold on honey i’m
gonna get it i’ll be
right back i went to the bathroom i
started fucking
chopping up all
these different pieces of
vitamins vitamin fucking b
and fucking
talcum powder and shit
i laid a couple of lines i
stuck it in her
mouth i shot off a load
before she even knew what hit her i was gone
i’m saying dog
you know me
you know i roll dog
oh shit we gotta get out of here
i realize the cops are coming at noon run
i got her out to the fucking front
i got my car
i told her take a left at the
light i’ll meet you down the street
i took a right
fuck her i’m gone
i got on the freeway
got off the first exit
fuck you i win
put away the whip
party’s dead
nice that’s a good joke that was my joey dears
impression you do like such a good in paris
okay okay review reviews joey d
is joey what do you think about this whole
cat piss thing
listen that’s a soft spot in my heart
you know i got cats you know i love them to death
but the bottom line is
i’m an asshole
and i live with a bunch of fucking cats
i think he’s probably got it joey oh
totally has it totally has it joey
brings in cats from outside yeah
he brings in like
monster cats
like remember he was always talking
about the samurai
that cat that had the big scars all over his face yeah
that’s a wild tomcat
he is one of the guys
that’s a grown
adult that subscribes to cat fancy
magazine that actually keeps that
magazine in business
which i can’t believe
cat fancy still has a subscriber subscribe to cat
fancy fuck yeah
yeah but then you get like real
magazines you know like whatever time
magazine or whatever that hurting
cause the economy but yeah cat
fancy one of joey
would freak out if we he
wouldn’t watch that
dvd and i don’t
think you’d read that article
you’d have to show them a documentary on
the cat parasite i used
to be a documentary
are you concerned at all
about the oil
spill or anything how does that affect your life
directly it affects me because i
think it’s gonna be i mean joey
oh oh thank you
listen eddie bravo look at me do i look like a s’more
i look like i get in the fucking ocean and dodge sharks
what am i fucking aquaman cocksucker listen
this is what i’m gonna do i walk down to the wheat
store i’m gonna roll a joy up
say a prayer to the mother
i hope they fucking clean this shit out if not i
guess i’m not going swimming
what’d he say
what the fuck i got enough problems in my own life okay
you gotta give a fuck
about a greasy pelican
you got oil on you you fuck
oh man tough shit
fly away motherfucker you got wings
you gonna sit there and let the oil hit you fuck you
you finally got texting
about six months ago you’re in the
why you busted my balls any problem what do you think
about the iphone and hd camera and all that shit you’re
gonna go into the iphone now i
what do you think joey doing the iphone
but i don’t know you tell me he wants an iphone back
listen no he’s too old
school for that
no he wants an iphone he just got a iphone
you know like one of
those phones that are acting like the iphone
he did yeah what do you get
droid sprint
iphone i don’t
know someone
sprint sprint
he was supposed
to be here this week is joey
gonna get an iphone you
think he would
eddie bravo listen to me
i’m old school
i barely barely get on that fucking
thing to text you hear me
you think i’m
gonna get there
and we’re gonna fucking
do apps together oh
let’s play donkey kong we’re fucking heather
come on you get
online with my laptop through your asshole and you’re
gonna fucking connect it with a fucking usb cable
i don’t need all this nonsense in my life
i don’t need all this aggravation i’ll go to the wheat
store i’m a
roll a joint i’m
gonna walk down to the fucking
wheat store
all right i’m not hurting nobody
i’m not bothering nobody
did your weeds
store close no
here am i no
did they close
them down they’re closer a bunch
because they’re too
close to churches
parks or schools
you have to be within a certain feet
from a church a park or school
i don’t know
how many it is but it’s like a thousand or some shit
which is pretty far
i checked all of my
places and none of them are closing
how ridiculous is
it that you can’t be near a park because that’s
where all the illegal dealers
it’s almost
like the illegal dealers got in on the action yeah
i think we value weed
i think that
the people at the top
of the weed movement
and especially the guys that own
the most successful dispensaries
i i think they’d like
the stores are being rated
as guys fuck up when they’re
going against the uh the
regulations
is we had a conversation with uh uh
idleman because we got our uh
you right there that’s what you
got man what are you doing
this is radio the
you know the
idolman the
idolman went to jail for it
and idolman was talking about the november election
and we’re like you know if this
stuff becomes legal in november like what are you
gonna do you’re not gonna be able to give out
you know prescriptions anymore he’s like yeah well
it’s actually kind of a dilemma for me
i really thought about that wait a minute
what are we doing if that guy if we became legal his
whole business shuts down what the fuck does he do then
that’s a tricky situation for a weed doctor man
it’s gonna be wild if it gets through though whoa
if it gets through in california
and it becomes
absolutely legal it’s
gonna be fucking crazy
it’s gonna really change the culture here
because people realize how much has changed the culture
since medical marijuana became legal
but that’s just the beginning man
when it becomes legal legal when it comes
a personal use issue
when you just have to be over 21
you just go to
the fucking corner drugstore and they’re selling weed
they’re selling weed
everywhere it’s
gonna change
things man they’re gonna
start selling weed at bars
they’re gonna have weed smoking
sections at bars for sure they’ll have like a back
patio where you can
smoke weed it’s
gonna be nuts when
they allow you to
buy a joint
at a movie theater like at the arc
light that we
smoke because they have like a
movie theater designated with a bar
you have to be 21 to get into this theater at the top
they’re gonna have a weed theater that’s
but the problem is you can’t even
smoke cigarettes indoors
because it’s a personal
it’s other people’s health that
you get to choose but you have you get to choose
you get to choose yeah
but they don’t let that they don’t let that happen in
california you can’t even
smoke at a bar
it’s not even an option you have to go to a cigar bar
i belong to a
cigar bar in beverly hills
and you go there there you go
smoke the cigar
yeah but cigar bars like
a bunch of you know
stuffy rich dudes
and it’s got a lot of
money it’s like a thousand dollars a year
something like that maybe more that’s the gayest
thing i’ve ever heard
take a failed
cigar bar they got the
licensing for smoke
right and convert it into a weed
bar i don’t know i wonder how many cigar bars there are
there’s a bunch of cigar
stores that let you smoke
right next to the improv this one vending machines
everywhere that’s what you would have like a
store that lets you
smoke there
and in canada they got spots
it’s weird because in canada you can’t buy the weed
there if you’re gonna
smoke but they have
places where you can
smoke weed you’ve got to
bring your own shit in vancouver
right vancouver and in toronto
there’s places where
the bottom floor
is a restaurant
and like a snack bar cafe
and then you rent
these rooms there’s rooms like this big as this
giant screen tv
xbox playstation dvds
couches well you know who’s taking us you
smoke all the way you want
we’re going to vancouver this weekend by the way
hell yeah we are
friday night
if you want to come
i’m hanging out with
adam squurgy the guy who produced the union and we’re
gonna do another documentary together and one of the
things that
we’re gonna do is
dispel a lot of the myths
about people being lazy and
marijuana smokers being lazy
and how much propaganda has been distributed to people
about marijuana making you lazy
and one of the
things i want to do is
feature your
school and feature
you teaching
and how many times you’ve done this
where you teach
class you go how many guys are high
and like 30 dudes
raise their hands
i don’t think i’ve
i’ve taught a
night class
not stoned day
classes to i go on
stone to but i used to not get high for the day
classes but
night class
i mean my classes are at 8 30 at
night there’s
there’s no way i’m
gonna get to that
class and not be
stoned you know
yeah and you
know it was one of the
things that came up in the
ufc q amp a
they asked me
about weed and
about whether or not i
think weed is
an enhancer
a physical enhancement
you know whether or not i
think that it’s
a performance enhancer
and this guy said that he
thinks it is and he was talking
about him doing
jiu jitsu and i said i
agree i think it is
i go i feel like when i’m
stoned and i do
jiu jitsu i feel like i
focus more i see it
clearly i’m
more i have more
tunnel vision
as to what i’m doing my movements are more precise
yeah there’s so many
jiu jitsu players
i mean i’m sure in all
sports design
thing in basketball but jujutsu
was huge too
for sure there’s so many top
jiu jitsu players that are
stoned out of
their fucking minds when they roll
including the diaz brothers they
admitted bj penn
there’s no and then when people
say so many guys and it goes
and then they say that it
cuts down on your reaction time that’s impossible
if anything
if you’re doing
jiu jitsu and your reaction time
is slow down in any way
your jiu jitsu is gonna suck
totally just
there’s no way
you can do anything that’s
gonna slow your reaction time
and be really good at it it
doesn’t work that way
there’s no way you
could have slow reactions like when
there’s a reason why rappers always
get high when they rap they’re flowing
they got a million words
a minute coming out of
their mouth
there can’t be any slow reaction time
it’s a myth
there’s no slowing
it doesn’t slow anything down
it’s not at all
are the mics on different
levels people are complaining the
mics on different
levels i turned yours up
i took yours down when
you were doing the joey dias because it was oh okay
yeah dude it
doesn’t slow you down at all
people that say it does are silly
if anything it just puts you in a different
state of mind
it puts you in a very creative
state of mind
if it wasn’t for pot i
would say 80
of my material
would be different
i think 80 of the
things that i
write i write
well i’m high
and that’s being
very conservative because it
could easily
could be 90
it could be 90
of all the things that i
write under the
influence of marijuana
and i think
if it wasn’t for the marijuana i think
the material
would be different
it’s much like
that fucking cat parasite changes the way people behave
marijuana changes the way you behave
but it changes it in a good way
sometimes sometimes
there’s been many times
where i’ve been
stone where i look back at shit i’ve thought or done
while i was
stoned i’m like what the fuck was i
thinking like what
all the time usually when it comes to like making
videos or just anything
well it doesn’t it
doesn’t give you
great ideas and
it just gives you more of the
energy to do the ideas
more ideas that you
would already
come up with but you’re getting them all at once and
everything is
supercharged and it’s really fast
it doesn’t make
dumb people
smart it depends on a bunch of
things depends on
first of all how high you get
because if you get too high and you can get too high
where everything spirals in
front of you and it becomes like
it’s like you have millions of dollars
flying around you but you’re in the middle of a tornado
and you can’t grab any of it
you know and sometimes you get to that
super paranoid
super high state and like that’s not manageable
and you have to wait
until you come down from that
super high to a more
manageable place
then you can become creative then you sit down and
write and you can keep
thought going and
you say that
maybe sometimes pots made you make shitty decisions
but that’s just making you take chances
when you’re sober
you know and you go back and you look at it you know
maybe you’re just not seeing it in the
way that you were seeing it then and it wasn’t complete
you know do you didn’t fight
complete the vision
but look at
how much cool shit that you have created from pot
you know i mean
pot has been responsible for
a lot of your really good editing too don’t you think
yeah definitely but i mean
i’m just saying i’m just saying it’s not a hundred
percent like
nothing’s a hundred percent
but you got to remember you want it you want to
keep track of all the dumb ideas you come up with
not stoned and then compare
that’s really how
you get them also it’s your
state of mind too
it’s like how are you coming to the creative
table are you coming to the
table tired
are you coming to the
table in a good mood
you know i could have some personal issues
going on i could have some
things that are bothering
me or some unfinished business that i need to get
taken care of before my mind can be at peace
and then you
get high and then you don’t have a good reaction
but you could be in the best state
and when i’m in the best
state when i’m feeling the best and i’m the most
loose and my mind feels free and i’m
happy and i’m positive
and then i get
high then it just feels like it all just tunes in
then i feel like
i’m wide open
to the point
where there’s nothing
that’s bother me nothing that’s tightening me up
some wide open and lose and then
the weed hits and it’s just like it just washes you
in this crazy energy
it just hits you with this
blast of like perception this new way of seeing
things that you know
it sometimes can fuck you up
but i think
even when it fucks you up
there’s lessons in that shit there’s lessons
in why it fucked you up there’s lessons in where your
head was at when you
weren’t in the
right place you know
it needs to be fucking
someone needs to
teach us how to do it
that’s what it is it’s a very complicated
thing using annie
and theogens
using marijuana
using mushrooms
there should be people that are professionals
that can talk people through the use of
these things like how you were talking last week
about the sharmans and
fuck yeah man we need that
we need that
if we had that
i hope that’s something that comes out of this
whole marijuana legalization
thing i hope
marijuana therapy therapy for people that
look people need gambling therapy you don’t i don’t
we can gamble and quit and it’s no big deal
but some people get
knocked up on gambling
they get fucked up and they can’t stop gambling
and i think there needs to be a therapy for weed people
too for some people that just get fucked up on weed
and it’s really just therapy they need
you know most of
these addictions
like addiction to masturbation addiction
these are all
psychological
addictions they’re not physical addictions
but they’re
still there
so they’re gonna have to have that they’re
gonna have to
have therapy for people to get fucked up on weed you
know if we want to keep a healthy society during the
transition but
it’s no different than therapy for guys that
cheat on their wife or therapy
for masturbation or therapy for anything it’s like
you just get an
error right
guys i gotta take off
we’ve been on two hours
right it’s five o’clock on the button
has it been two hours it’s perfect
holy shit that was
quick man that’s the way to do it son
awesome awesome we had some great
interesting discussions yeah
you know good time for
anybody who is interested
in following
brian’s shit more brian stuff go to redband com
for eddie bravo go to
tenth planet jj com
what is that bro
pointing to the bottom
jump on the nabiru
forum the forum on my sides pretty key it’s very just
like you talk about oh
oh no no i’m just saying go to his websites on there
i was just pointing to the name eddie bravo
oh oh i’m sorry
oh i don’t know what the fuck you’re doing
um yeah i thought you were
finding something
and then that’s me over your divining rod anyway
the 10th planet
jiu jitsu website is 10th planet jj com yes
and if they want to like
ask questions and show you got a forum what’s the forum
it’s called
called the nibiru
forum the tenth planet
the new beer
oh by the way
tenth planet jujutsu even the the name
tenth planet jujutsu
is all from the
zechariah sitch
ins stories
yeah the funny
thing about
tenth planet jujitsu was
i decided to
when i first decided to open the
school i needed
a name for the
school i needed a name for the style
and i wanted something
i definitely wanted something
in the sitchin
style i want i was thinking nibiru jiu
jitsu i was actually thinking that
like nibiru jiu jitsu will people get that
something anunnaki jiu jitsu something joe goes
right we were
right we’re entering your security gate you said
why not just tenth planet jujitsu my
stupid no no something like me biru anunnaki
cit ginger and i thought
about it tenth planet jiu jitsu huh
fuck yeah fuck yeah like yeah that’s it
right there fuck me be
rude jiu jitsu
that sounds gay
you know we’re good friends and so i don’t
necessarily talk about you too much just because
you know i kind of take it for
granted because we’re good friends
but i’ve done the forward to two of your books
and we’ve been friends for shit like 10 years now
strong and the weirdest
thing about this whole
jiu jitsu thing is watching it
blossom out of
just hanging
out when you were a purple belt and just talking
about different techniques
to now this nutty fucking
thing where you’ve got affiliates all over the
world and other
countries and shit and you’re
traveling all over the
world doing seminars and
teaching people all this shit
all the while
is this weird combination of like
stoner sensibility
and open minded creative
jiu jitsu and
you know even the fucking name is hilarious
tenth planet
jiu jitsu there’s something i mean
this is like some
crazy alien
you know hybrid
system you know
the whole the
whole thing is
in the world of martial arts is very unexpected
to have someone who’s got this
sort of silly
like goofy outlook
on so many different
things and it’s got a
sense of humor
about so many different
things and smokes weed
and it was always playing
pranks on people
but you prank people
all the time
but people don’t know
where’s the best
place to see some of
those cause some of them are fucking
hilarious he’s got
jiu jitsu students
who pretend that they’re
angry brazilians
who come to
fight eddie
and they come to challenge him like they’re karate
masters or you
know they’re different different
things sometimes he’s not
a no no he was
never a brazilian it was always just
some random
guy the expo yeah now he’s adding a brazilian accent
okay now he is but before times he’s just a
random karate
guy our friend
rasan rasan
orange he’s been like in days of our lives yeah
very talented hilarious actor
slash community
he was tech
tech on days of our lives years ago and he’s so
funny and he
trains with us at 10th planet
and they set it up all the time
where he comes in and whenever there’s a new person
they did it with alan belcher
they did it with
tim lee did it with a
bunch of different people
whenever someone’s there that
doesn’t know the gag
we got tom lawler with it good
we got tom lawler
hook line and sinker
how about when you get to see some people see some
people i see
some people
freak the fuck out
now they get to the
point where they do it’s so
ridiculous where
eddie chokes
these guys out and
tends to kill them
and then his students drag the guy off
into the garage i turn into a
total douchebag
i mean the premise is
the premises rasan comes in we give each
other a wink
he starts doing karate
kata on the side
disrupting the
class and the
crazy thing is i’ll get the cameraman usually
they’ll be punk too
i went up danny prokopos
one of my black belts i went up to him a few years ago
and when rasan walked in he
never saw the rasan
sketches before
so i went up to
danny i’m like
danny you got
your camera on you he goes yeah yeah what’s up bro i go
get it out the camera on this guy
might have to
fuck this dude up he’s like okay okay okay
he’s videotaping him
and i try to sell it like
we get into like an argument or like a
discussion for
a couple minutes so you know we don’t want to
get too crazy
we slowly drag people into it
we start arguing
and then we just
start fighting and then i get
crazy i try to kill him
i’m a total douchebag i actually try to kill the how
about he twitches and
shakes and shit and kicks his legs
yeah and then
people drag
him off into the back yeah we just did it at the
ufc expo in
front of a lot of people got it on camera
and we got tom lawler and vinnie margalash
it’s fucking hilarious what’s so hilarious
about it is
it’s completely
unexpected how many people
would think that
a jiu jitsu master
would also be doing pranks
like on a regular basis
doing fighting pranks
most of those
pranks are on my dvd mastering the rubber guard
a bunch of them and the original one the original prank
that i got on
video was in
2010 years ago
as quatif when i
when i put some
black makeup on and
every time i was a
black guy was scaring my friends
that’s that’s on my master in the rubber
guard dvd that was the original one
that was before punk
and that’s i’ve always had that
in me for some reason yeah you have a very strange
sense of humor it’s like my default setting is
constantly saying
like inappropriate
things and the
wrong things
and i don’t know what it is you’ve been like that
since i met
you and that’s why i try to talk you to do and stand up
and he did it for nine times yeah damn
stand up is way harder than
jiu jitsu that’s for damn sure
no you have to
spend a lot of time
perfecting stand
up you can’t just go up there and tell joe you just
forgot how hard
jiu jitsu was in the beginning
it’s no different i
think it’s just like anything else
to get great at anything just requires time and
effort and thought and concentration and evolving
that’s all it is
and comedy you got a bomb you
start off terrible if you saw me when i
first started off
if i had some
video i got some somewhere some vhs tape of me on
stage like the
tenth time i was ever on
stage or something
like that dude i was fucking terrible
you no one’s good in the beginning it’s like
everything else i mean you got good at jujutsu you
weren’t good at jujutsu when you first
started and think
about you now yeah
yeah you know that’s i think
about you know
since when i
tried stand up for the
first time i’d
never it was before i had a school
we were hanging out at the comedy store
every weekend i’m seeing all
these guys go up and bomb and i thought
you know i could do this shit and
i went up and
i realized that if i put a lot of time into it
i might be able to be okay but
i was spreading myself too thin i had to really
think about what i was like or was i
going to be a comedian
a jiu jitsu player
and a musician
i had to figure it out so i just decided to
not pursue comedy anymore just
focus on jiu jitsu
and focus on my music
and who knows
maybe one day
from teaching the last
seven years i
think i’ve gotten a lot more comfortable
speaking in
front of people
when before i was teaching
that was the hardest part of comedy is getting up
and talking to a
crowd didn’t you
crack jokes when you were on
stage in the viper room
yeah but you know what when people
aren’t paying for laughs
it’s easier to make them
right they’re paying
it seems like a little
different just for i don’t have to be
funny so it’s easy i could well
coming from someone who’s done
it and this is why i told you in the beginning that you
could do it
it’s just a matter of effort
concentration
you have a comedian
sense of mind
sense of humor you have nowadays nowadays with youtube
eddie can make a
video that’s probably a million times funnier than
him having to go on stage for
three years just to get like a joke out you know
right but it won’t be
stand up comedy
you know the difference is you know
stand up comedy you can actually have a
bunch of people come to see you in a
place you can make a living off it
yeah but he can make a living off of
these videos if he wanted to do the same shit
you know what i mean like
today how do you make
a living off
youtube videos
really weird are you making living off youtube
videos i could if i wanted to probably really
how much do you make off to people make off youtube
videos there’s people have
whole careers
based on youtube
videos look at taylor
like how much
okay but how much
money can you make off a youtube video
you’re saying from advertising or are you saying from
people coming to see you
i’m saying now
i’m saying back
in the day it used to be you had to get on
stage and become a
stand up comic and
really work to get 30 people in a room
where nowadays you
could take the
same bits and jokes make it into a youtube video
get a billion
people and if you keep on doing that then you
could have a
whole career
based off either advertising
or you could have like a show on
crackle i mean there’s a lot of websites like
crackle that have sitcoms or tv shows web based
series that are all
based off people that
did it okay i
understand what you’re saying however
what you’re saying diminishes the idea of the art of
stand up comedy and that’s why it’s silly
i’m telling him that he
could be an artist a
stand up comedian he can go
places and perform
and do stand up comedy what you’re saying is
he can instead do
videos well i
think a lot of
shit i think a lot of
stand up people that want to be
stand up comics are now
changing how they’re
getting their audience
you know i think well i
definitely think can be people want to be
comedians are getting a lot of audience i mean that bob
burnham kid he got a huge following from his youtube
videos and you
could definitely
you know get people attracted to
stuff that you
put online then they want to come see you live
but what i was saying
about to eddie was that
he could be an artist a
stand up comedian as an artist
he could do it he has a sense of
you’re welcome
he has that
sense of humor he’s got that way of looking at
things he’s always looking at the most
ridiculous side of things
whenever there’s a subject that comes up in the news
he’s always looking at the most
ridiculous aspect of it
like automatically
and that’s a comedian sensibility
he’s a funny guy looking for an audience
though yeah
he is but that’s what i’m saying
stamp comics seems kind of deluded nowadays because i
think if you’re a
funny guy looking for an audience
back in the day
stamped comics are like one of the only few options you
could do because you couldn’t get a tv show
so now these people are like hey i’m a
funny guy i want an audience
you know i think a lot of
these i think
stand up comedy is
probably getting more and more deluded as
more time goes on
wouldn’t you
think no i disagree because i
think the art of
stand up comedy
to me as a patron as a person who goes to see it is
still the most fun
thing to see
i went to see
louis ck the
other day with ari
and i fucking
loved it i had a great time
i sat in the audience the
other day when
aziz anasari was working out his shit for the mtv
music awards
i was on that show
and i enjoyed it i still
enjoy the art of
stand up comedy in a
crowd with a
bunch of people there it’s funnier
you know it’s like
the comedy club
atmosphere i like sitting in a
crowd i like
drinking i like how everybody’s
laughing together
i think that art form to me is insanely satisfying
way more satisfying than
watching a video clip on youtube
they haven’t used
the same thing
haven’t you said that there’s
little there’s barely any
real stand up
comics nowadays
but how there used to be a
bunch of real stand up
comics and nowadays
that number seems to be a lot smaller
well it’s just because there’s less
places to work
you know i mean in boston
where i used to be man there was so many
different comedy clubs in boston and so many open mic
nights that there was like a real community developed
around it but then as the economy tightened up and
as you know a lot of these
comics that were in that area
moved out and
the guys that
had been there for a long time really didn’t
write any new material
the scene died out
but if there was more comedy clubs and
it was a thriving community there’d be more comedians
the real problem is they don’t have enough
places to perform
there’s not enough open mic nights and
you know comedy comes and goes man
there’s waves but i think
right now is a very good way for like established guys
like if you look at all the guys that are around like
louis ck and
chappelle of course chris rock
david tell nick to
paulo jim norton
pat and oswald of course
he’s one of my personal favorites and you see all
these different guys that are out
right now if you’re a fan bill burr of course
if you’re a fan of
stand up comedy there’s so much good comedy
going on right pablo francisco
pablo francisco i
think this is one of the best times ever for
stand up comedy
i think what’s happened with the youtube
and the internet and myspace on this shit is that
people have had a chance to extend
their careers and
make their careers like
penetrate further in
than they would have
ordinarily not having any
television shows not having any
movie credits
you know now
people are getting like big audiences just from
stand up comedy
just from using
the youtube clips
wouldn’t you
think that most stand up
comics are in it just to become actors no dude no
there’s nothing more fun than real
stand up comedy i guarantee you
jim norton is
not in it to just become an actor i guarantee you louis
ck is not in it just to become an actor
they’re really good guys or not there’s so much fun
in doing stand up
comedy that’s just like a couple people compared to
the thousands and thousands of people that are in it
for stand up comedy
well we’re talking
about the best guys
but we’re talking about
i just think that
a lot of people look at the idea of doing
stand up comedy as a lot of pressure
and that because
of that pressure they look to get off that pressure
and that a television show is like a relief like
i’m free of the pressure
now if the show
bombs it’s not me that bombs it’s the show
if the bad writing
was there when i got there there’s nothing i can do
about it if i do a
movie the movie
doesn’t do well but the next
movie does fine then i’m okay
and so it becomes less responsibility on
their back and a little bit easier
and they look at it as a
steady income as opposed to
something with
stand up comedy it’s like
no one’s really
going to be sure that people are
going to come see you next week
you could only assume
that you’re
going to continue to have an audience
and you have to continue to produce and continue to do
new sets on
television new comedy central specials continue to
write new material
after that gets
released so that people can come see you a year
later and they know you got all new shit
so there’s a
lot of pressure and a lot of people don’t like that
maybe one day
we’ll do a me and
brian will get up and we’ll battle
on stage stage battle
what do you mean
battle yeah why can’t you just go up like how
about this how
about we do a
tenth planet show
and joey will host oh yeah
that’s fair
if we’re in
a battle no
we don’t have to battle
i didn’t mean
battle no no we just go up
what i’m saying is do a
tenth planet show joey goes up and host
brings aria
brings one of you guys up for you know
five or ten minutes whatever you’re comfortable with
brings the other guy up and then
and then i’ll go up
we’ll do i’ll do a show
i could do five minutes yeah i
think you both
could do five minutes
brian fucking
killed it in in atlanta
when he hadn’t done comedy in years
and he got talked to the doing it during
a nighttime show filled with ufc fans
all fucking hammered on a friday
night he did
good though i was
sold out you were good
he killed not only did he do good
he went to the abyss and pulled himself out of the
flames he did good in the beginning
and then he did a couple of jokes in a row that tanked
and you were
starting to fucking freak out
and you kept it together yeah but
you know i i
started doing it a lot and i did a
whole bunch you know i
started doing it almost
every week a few times a week but i got to a
point where i’m just
i just didn’t have it in me that
you really have to give up your life to be a
stand up well you know what
you here’s a
thing man you don’t have to have
it in you but just because you don’t have it in you
doesn’t mean
that the art form isn’t something that people
should pursue if they want to be a comedian
what you’re saying though is that
i mean as a comedian i mean i know you’re not trying to
fend me but as a comedian
it’s kind of offensive because you’re saying that like
somehow or another that
someone if they wanted to
should just
go and do youtube clips now and not become a
stand up community because it’s
too difficult no i’m saying that if you are a standard
comic nowadays that it seems like youtube
would make a lot more
sense it’s like
bob is like baba booey and howard sturge
you know what i mean
i just don’t
understand your
point now to be an artist
as a stand up comedian to be a real
comic you have to do it in
front of an audience it’s the only art form
where you must
have an audience to practice if you do not have an
audience but what’s the
difference between an audience
not gonna be good
because you don’t have immediate response to people
laughing at you whether you know whether or not it’s
funny why we
haven’t made
a clip up now
you don’t though you’re not hearing
these people
laugh why not hear
shit you just have people staring and texting things
you don’t get the same kind of
direct immediate
tangible response that you get when you’re
going on stage
where you know what very
various aspects of a joke are
funny how the
transitions work
you hear yourself
in the recordings and you know this part
sounded false
or this part had too many words
and it’s an art
form just piecing it all together and performing it in
front of a live crowd
but when you nail it dude
when you’re on
stage and you fucking nail a joke
where the audience is
dying and you’re like they’re
dying now and i got like
five more levels to this joke this joke
i’m hitting them now
and i’m like i got some shit coming
after this i can’t wait to get to
cause i know if you
think this is
funny this next part is my favorite part
and then boom boom boom and it piles on
there’s nothing like that that you’re ever
gonna get off youtube
there’s you’re not
gonna get that feeling
you’re not gonna get that
sort of a response from the people and as an audience
member you’re not
gonna get something that’s that much fun
there’s nothing to me more fun still
after doing comedy for 20 years
there’s nothing more fun than
watching comedy
it’s the best man it’s so much fucking fun
it’s to me the
most fun art form and that’s why i’m a comedian
what i was trying to say is that
eddie could have done that too
the only difference between me and him is that
he had other
things he was
focusing on
and he went and pursued
those but if he didn’t
if he wasn’t
thinking about
pursuing a career in
jiu jitsu and wasn’t
thinking about
pursuing korean
music and had the kind of time that i had
when i started out doing comedy
for sure you
would be just as
successful as me for sure you’d be able to do
everything that i’m doing
that’s true come on
you’d be able to do
everything that i did
everything it’s not hard it’s just a matter of focus
and if you’re an honest person and you evolve
and you your objective and you look at your shit
and you keep working at it
that’s all it is
maybe one day i’ll go off
you have the sense
if you don’t have the
sense of humor okay if you don’t have the mind
for comedy the type of person who looks at
things goes
everybody else is
agreeing and you go wait a
minute what the fuck is that
like that’s how i was my
whole life and that’s how you are
and brian you are to a certain extent too
i mean you have a different
sense of humor than i do
and eddie has a different
sense of humor than you and
we’re all different
but we all have the same
thing where
brian like your sense
when it comes to
technology you’re always doing this
someone will
bring up a point and
you’ll always be like what
no everybody just
thinks that because this but but but
but you’ll go
against the
grain right away
and pick out the flaws that’s the idea
that’s the mind of a
stand up comic the person who stands up
the person whose function society is to
stand up and look at
things besides being funny
stand up and look at
things and goes what the fuck is this
that’s what the
comic does the
comic looks at something and goes
what the fuck is this
when everybody else just takes it for granted
there’s a lot of
comics out there that just
never become comics
that’s what i’m trying to say
there’s guys that work in gas stations
that could be one of
the funniest guys that have ever walked the face of the
earth just no one ever talked them into getting on
stage they never
directed their life in that order
they never had the discipline
to follow through
there’s so many
people like that that i met out there my friend
johnny b my friend who was a pool player that died
that guy could have
been one of the funniest fucking comedians that ever
lived that dude
could read human nature
knew when people were full of shit knew
knew what people’s insecurities and weaknesses were
and always knew the funniest shit to say at any
given moment
there’s a lot
of people like that out there and that’s what a
stand up comic is
you both are you both
could do it
thank you very much man
thank you this fucking show’s over bitches
it’s 5 198 oh yes
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sponsoring us
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redband com
for my friend
brian rikkel
10th planet jj com if you’re in hollywood
and you want to get some
jiu jitsu instruction
plus some weed shamanism
there’s no better
place to go than legends in hollywood
what’s the number there
10th planet
jiu jitsu hollywood
located inside legends mma
51 76 santa
monica boulevard
and to find you online
you can go to twitter
it’s eddie bravo it’s up there on the
screen if you’re
a u stream guy
e d d i e b r a v o
thank you very much everybody
we love you bitches
we love doing this this is a fun fucking show
i’m excited that we’ve continued to do this
every day or
every week rather all year
and we’re gonna keep going
and as long as we have cool friends it’s
gonna keep being fun
eddie bravo
brian red band and what
about next week joey diaz
next week joey coco diaz
hopefully nothing
crazy comes up
the columbia
knocked on my door
i had to go on an adventure
it’s the cat virus joe it’s that fucking cat
virus cocksucker i can’t concentrate
my feet stink
ladies and gentlemen that’s the end of this week
and we will see you next week
thank you i love you bitches