#22 - John Heffron | The Joe Rogan Experience

Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with John Heffron.

Transcript

now to you stream

sorry for the the incredible delay

absolutely ridiculous

i don’t know why you people tolerate this shit

i don’t know why you people tolerate this shit oh

boy on purpose yeah you totally did

totally did

we have mike stands now except for

my friend john heffron he’s forced to hold his

microphone otherwise we have an ungainly stand

right in front of you i think that would be ridiculous

next time did you

get a stand i have a

stand no i have it like this i’m just gonna i’m

gonna rock it out like this like i’m

about to bell out the last part of some song

yeah like a lead singer from creed

yeah yeah i’m just gonna be so

i’ll just go like this and this is perfect i’m probably

gonna wind up holding onto the mic too because as a

comic that seems like a natural thing

this seems less natural to have this fucking

thing in front of you

yeah it’s kind of odd or

those stands those are kind of like singer songwriter

stands ever do a comedy club

i am a singer song

well that i know but

or you have to use a

stand like that

is there anything more fucking pretentious

than a singer songwriter yeah i’ve done some shitty

and then you got some

shitty gigs

like if you have like

and this is like say as a

comic i mean

i talked about this with tom

segura as a

comic you have to

admit that most

comics suck

right what are

the odds what are the numbers rather it’s like 80 suck

there’s a lot of the lot of that right

same singer songwriters who’s cool singer songwriters

right but eighty percent of them are fucking

miserable douchebag yeah

right yeah yeah

ladies and gentlemen john have fun

winner of last

comic status

miserable douchebag no great guy

in incorrect sir you’re incorrect

about yourself

if you haven’t seen john john one

season two of last

comic standing

i thought it was

season one because i

blocked out

season one because i was on it

and i was on it with

buddy hackett and

buddy hackett got mad at me and then died two weeks

later i was

going to yell at him

it was a creepy moment man i

think we talked

about this did we talk about this

well last time you were on

buddy hackey

yelled at me

and i almost yelled at him back and then two weeks

later he died

so i’m glad i didn’t yell

do you guys know who rip

torren is or rip

rips thorn or whatever

that dude i just saw him

today i had breakfast and he sat in the

table next to me and just

freaking everybody out and

stuff what was he

funny at one

point i don’t really know anything

about him except he was gay he’s like one of

those hollywood squares dudes

that’s always

been on like hollywood squares back in the

seventies and shit

right he was

passing out flyers at paddy’s and it was just really

old as fuck he looks

crazy old like he

doesn’t even look like him anymore

pretty scary

how do you know it was really him it

could have been

because he was passing out rip van torn like flyers

or torn right torn right

it needs to

throw the confetti

was his thing

like oh my god guys was it that guy

oh i have no yeah but

he that was back when there was probably just him and

hey brian can you do me a

favor and just shut that door

yeah and that

other dude that was way gay that was on

hollywood square

oh yeah yeah yeah

hey hey samantha

yeah what is his name

worst impression ever

but you know

how you get

impressions i knew exactly what you’re talking

about charles

something not

so riley okay maybe

no that was a different guy

there’s another

yeah this guy was also on

bewitched samantha

oh yeah you’re right i

always like

those fuck that dude is guys

that were like the only

two or three way way gay guys

whatever and

every tv show

had them on yeah that’s so true if you were a gay guy

back then man you had to be fucking obviously gay and

never talk about it

you know they

never talked

about their boyfriends no

no they didn’t want to

talk about butt

sex and what they like and what they don’t like

they just threw

confetti and you went you know what that guy’s

throwing confetti

he’s probably gay

you know what’s

crazy when you stop and

think about how many people were like

undercover gay back in

those days like

rockheads and

you know so many so many different

guy they just couldn’t they couldn’t be themselves

they didn’t have that option it was impossible

you know or you go did

yeah they didn’t have that option

but they could go out and go to like a gay whatever

crazy club and

never get busted

never you never get caught

the volume on you

streams over modulating

over modulating over because it’s so fucking

powerful now baby

i think that readers

is that guys better sorry

there you go

yeah it used to be

really terrible yeah

go to any place and not get busted though

that was back in the day when you left your house

your your wife couldn’t get a hold of you

until you got back home so you

could do gay shit

yeah so you

can have a wife

how many of them

but now how many you

think work up

front with their wives

and said listen

you don’t have to work ever

again i’ll give you a big fat house you

drive around a nice car you don’t have to have a job

i’ve just be my wife

you know you

could fuck guys

keep it on the dl

don’t get me in

trouble do you

think there was that or do you

think it was

that’s that’s a difficult

move though because you got to be a pretty open and

honest guy to like pull that conversation off if you’ve

i think that happens

a lot i think there’s a lot of beards in hollywood yes

there are but how many of them know

their beards

see i know i know a girl who was

married to a guy for ten fucking years

and then it turns out the guy was gay

the guy came out ten

fucking years into their

marriage and they were dating before they were married

so who knows

how long they had been going on

where he was

just trying to keep it together and pretend

he was heterosexual and finally he just he just came

clean that’s

crazy shit man that girl was

i know for sure

absolutely unaware

completely devastated

couldn’t believe it

shocked blown away

you know that’s that’s a

that’s and she

this is a working woman

i mean she works in hollywood she’s a

smart woman

pretty crazy

story man what i

understand is

my gaydar has to go off you know if i’m

married to somebody i’m

with them that much and if they are really gay then i

would think you

would know unless you’re really

stupid yes you

would but this

woman who i know

is not the most

sexual person

and she’s very

ambitious and she works all the time and she

maybe doesn’t even like sex that much and

maybe every now and then he likes fucking girls

you know maybe

maybe he’s really good at eating

pussy cause he wishes he had one

he’s like if i had one i

would do this to it mmm

what a terrible fucking

gay voice i just

threw out so

stereotypical

i’m so embarrassed myself

but uh yeah man it’s fucking it’s got to be real hard

to have that

wacky gene and you know be

stuck in a situation

where you have to pretend that you’re not you know

could you imagine

if you had to pretend to be gay all the time

imagine if the

only way to work in hollywood was you had to be gay

so you had to

run around pretending to be gay including dating guys

and letting them fuck you

how about that

right to add to the

could you fucking imagine if that was the only way

could you imagine if your

comic you want to make it as a comic and

you the only way is if they

think that you’re gay

fuck but it’s so

tempting me you want to be a

comic so bad you’ve always wanted to be a comedian

that’s your fucking

thing you know

could you imagine no holy shit

you know we’re very

lucky so lucky to be heterosexual

so lucky so true i mean except for

except for the whole

you have to worry

about babies

that’s it gay dudes they just plug each

other in the ass all day

and they don’t have to

worry about shit there’s no repercussions

the worst they get some sort of a disease

they get the aids

that’s the worst but

other than that they’re just pleasure it’s all pleasure

you know just

shooting loads in each

other and having a good time

i got online last night and

i was on youtube

watching that r

kelly clip my new favorite clip of all time

and i went on a youtube journey

which is always amazing if you ever like you

should the very

first video

and youtube you

should write down what it is yeah

and then backtrack your mind to see

how you went from r kelly to

yeah well i went from r

kelly to gay bears

gay muscle bears and

daddy bears

these all these these

videos of gay guys

these hairy

gay guys have online big muscular gay guys like flexing

and you read

like the fucking comments and it’s hilarious

hilarious the comments are all these gay

goose going

i already got precom and like you know

my dick got hard

just looking at that i can’t wait to

shoot on his back

you know all what i

would do to him i wish i had an

older man like him to molest me

and i’m like

it’s all like unanimous perverts like everyone

on the fucking thing

they’re all just disgusting

i was on wicked perverts

a site similar

an adult site that had comments underneath

the actual porn scene

which is just shows i

think that’s

weird as a generation thing

where is that a new thing

i’ve never seen they have that actually

here on you stream

where you can yeah

but you stream is normal but

important side of you

i’m sure i hate

the way she sucks dick yes

she hates it yeah that’s what

said there was this one it was this

asian girl and

that she was typewriting in the comments

underneath was

why would she be

using a typewriter

right now and it’s

to me maybe just an

asian but it’s like just be

happy you’re seeing porn

there’s generation of guys that used to go through the

weird guys trash

used to have to get to sears catalog

we’ve talked

about this many times you know we’re sponsored

be happy that you have porn and

you really gonna create a

screen name by the way we have

to mention this we’re sponsored now sponsored by the

flashlight see that

that’s a butthole

right there

fella pubic

hair on it too where

i did not i’m not use this one sir

i do not do not use the butthole one and i

would not pull out the vagina one out of respect

the one that i have used

i like how it’s autographed

yeah it’s so important

the vagina ones autograph too

really from who

i don’t know

are they famous

yeah i think that one’s like christopher reeves

that’s christopher reeves butthole

wow it’s a lot

pinker than i expected

so that’s the flesh

i sponsored by it

if you’re a masturbator and i know you are you

gotta pick one of

those up it’s fucking fantastic it’s

the greatest masturbation tool ever invented for dudes

cause for years dudes had nothing

now we have this

it’s golden 15

off on joe’s website oh yeah you

click on a link

and get some

get some money for it

get some money off and you

gotta figure if we just go through that i’ve

never used one but anything else you

might use up is

gonna probably called

shaping and it

might you know i mean

get a little hot spots here there you know

so that’s probably a safer

thing about that think

about the less open source you’re putting on you and

your junk yeah but not

irritating the skin look at you looking practical and

that’s the practical and

i don’t know what the

fuck i don’t know what

you’re fucking to put sores all over your dick but yes

i agree with you

well i’m just saying some t

shirts are softer than others

do you fuck your

t shirts so we do

no but i’m saying some just to the you know

what the fuck you saying say it

just don’t say it you fuck your

t shirts no

wrong with that

i don’t know if i

do that i fuck

basically everything i own

i fucked my

bed i fucked pillows i fucked soap i fucked shampoo

i tried a difference

in soap and shampoo my dick got

irritated once

cause i fucked this soap that i didn’t know

it was mrs rogan

soap and it was like if you have acne

i just squirted on my dick and beat off with it

and then my dick oh fucking

red and sore

oh and i was

like what the fuck was that shampoo and then

i just thought it was shampoo

man let’s say just say through conditioning if i

smell pert i

start to get a little bit aroused

wow if i hear running

water have love

yeah exactly if i

smell per but i

think conditioner is a way better way to go

yeah i like the

shampoo you

know bubbles when you blow bubbles that soap

it’s kind of oily

that’s the best

soap the fuck i

think dudes don’t have to worry

about any of

that shit when they’re gay they just bang each

other i bet gay guys hardly

even jerk off they’re just so busy banging each other

they could just get sex all the time

i think so i

think you see it at the gym really

throw freak

you just you just come here and just

dude look and then

you just been in the same room i used to work out of

twenty four hour fitness

and the guy who was the manager there was this really

cool guy and he was assigned to the west hollywood

store the west hollywood

twenty four

hour fitness

cause he had to

clean it up

quote unquote

cause they were having problems there

cause dudes were fucking there

and dudes were

fuck all over the place

they would they

would fuck in the sauna and they

would have to go in there and hose down the sauna

he said it was disgusting

you would go in there it would

smell like ass and there

would be loads

everywhere these guys

would just bang each

other and shoot loads all over the fucking sauna

and you would go in there

literally it’d be a fucking

biological hazard

and he had to

clean all this

stuff out and hose

everything down

he said he always caught dudes banging in there

like those aren’t

some in shape

guys too by dude gay gyms are like gay

discos they

might as well be

nightclubs that’s

where they pick each

other up when i was

when i was doing news

radio i used to work out a gold gym

which is on coal

which was a

total gay disco

i mean that’s all it was was just a

bunch of gay dudes

trying to pick each

other up and they

would spot you like when you didn’t need a spot they

would come over so

they can stand with

their yeah stand

with your balls

above your head

and they would like be really

aggressive like the way i stared at

you and looked at you because they were used to getting

their dick sucked and they did that you know it’s like

that’s their spot that’s

where they go man

they’re fucking

freaks they don’t have to

worry about

babies you know

what was life like

before the pill

could you imagine if we grew

up in when was the pill the fifties is that what it was

could you imagine if we grew up when there was no pill

we don’t even know what that’s like

my girlfriend was on the pill when she was sixteen

right when i was i was sixteen or i was

seventeen she was sixteen she was on the pill

i don’t know what it’s like to be in an error

when there was no pill

could you imagine

how much more careful you had to be how

trickier than to be

you know yeah

or were guys then or or they were like kind of

dudes now when you just

whatever out of a hundred

out of a hundred people

guess how many

per year out of a hundred people

get pregnant even

while they’re on the pill

how many 83

are protected

so it’s whatever that’s it yeah

it’s only 83

so 17 so 17 out of 100

really yeah i was just at

planned parenthood the

other day so they really said that you know why

because show you that i’m out of that

seventeen percent ninety nine percent of those

seventy percent are

lying whores

yeah that’s why

i totally on the pill yeah you’re on the pill

yeah you shoot a load in there now you have a baby

i have a new baby

oh yeah how is it

going as a fucking

fantastic my

mrs rogan gave birth

wednesday we have a new baby

and don’t read the chat you’re

gonna get distracted son

see you’re not even

paying attention you know any read you lost

you don’t want to read that

just concentrate

on the conversation

i’m gonna tell you something i love

not to chime

in you don’t have

apparently i’m in

some random

some random look

listen to that

random dude you gave a

voice to some douchebag

some asshole out there look the beautiful

thing about the internet i always say is that

anyone can say anything they all are

free to say whatever they want but the horrible thing

about the internet is that anyone can say everything

right they can say whatever they want

so douchebags get to talk too so

you don’t know what kind of

group you’re

getting and you can’t read the negative shit 99

of it is gonna be cool people with questions

but that one percent you can’t respond

to them because

you’re reinforcing

shitty behavior

you know those faggots need to get a life

those fucking

dummies that

wanna come on talk shit they

wanna do it on twitter they

wanna do it on myspace and facebook

there though i had to

learn the hard

way that you’re supposed to ignore them you know

yeah or joke

about it is hard

cause you seem like fuck you

but that’s not

even a person man that’s a sad little blip of energy

of negative energy

i had this fucking dude i

should read it

because it’s that interesting

i had this fucking dude

that sent me a message about

the woman who

i had an argument with this feminist

woman once on

on myspace and

not on myspace on

they put it up on youtube

kevin kevin

booth filmed it it was behind a comedy

stores lady

lydia lunch and

i try to be nice to her but she got like

super aggro with me and really douchey and said she was

gonna burn me with her

cigarette so i just

started fucking ripping her

apart and it’s on youtube

and this guy

sent me this fucking scathing i mean that the

chick is a cunt okay

there’s no way i

would ever yell at a

woman unless that

woman’s a cunt i mean it has to get to

a dirty horrible

if that’s my manager i’m fucking firing them i

swear to god

hold on well i got a TikTok

yes it is i’m doing my podcast wow i do it every

every

it’s wednesday today’s wednesday knucklehead

tuesday tuesday whatever it is

that’s that’s a real

comic i don’t even know what fucking day it is

it was them too it’s always them

meanwhile they

were they were getting mad because we were talking

about them in the

flashlight we’re not allowed to talk

about them anymore

anyway so this fucking guy sent me this

this email back

i mean the first

email he sent me was

like really fucked up like just such a douchebag that

woman you bullied on youtube no

let’s just listen to this

this woman is

an ass but joe rogan looks like a typical dude who

would be on jersey

shore pushing and

punching bullying

woman physically

i didn’t bully her i told her not to

touch my face

she touched my face and i pushed her hand away from me

wow dude you’re so

tough man what a

funny faggot

you are talk

about mommy issues christ

how do you live each day being such a miserable bitch

typical low file pig

only other short ugly miserable potheads with it now

think all this fucking energy and this keeps

going on and on and on and on

uneducated piece of

trash instead of telling us

that you wish the president

would take mushroom trips try living life without

smoking joints you pothead burnout fucking dumb dumb

so this is obviously someone has been to my show

because i say the president

should take mushrooms

said that my ex so this is

obviously probably some heckler

probably some dude who got jacked at one of the shows

and then i sent him some message i

think i sent him something like

i said that

this is what i said

if that’s what you got out of the

video then you deserve to be the type of person that

writes such a retarded email

you have created

your own reality and it sucks to be you kisses so

that’s what i said to him

i don’t know why i did it because i shouldn’t have

because when you do that

what happens is you create

a fucking battle you

know for no reason so this fucking guy

writes this thing

that’s like paragraphs long

you’re the typical jersey

shore hostile

short dude you’d

like to believe you are different because you move to

plastic land with the fakes but

it just goes on and on and on and it’s so fucking sad

and i look at

stuff like that i say

here’s a guy

that obviously

not a happy person there’s no way he’s

successful michael george is not sitting around you

stream you know writing

letters like this or

on youtube or whatever

these are all

michael jordan yeah

you know what

i’m saying there’s no winners out there doing

donald trump’s not getting on fucking

myspace and

shit not bands your band sucks you guys are faggots

you know it’s always some fucking zero

but the amount of hate that someone

would generate

and all of it comes from them not being

happy with who they are all of it 100

if they want to put out that much energy you

could have dislike for someone

you could disagree with someone but

you spill out so much vile and it’s

about something that had nothing to do with you

what you’re

doing is finding someone who you don’t like to

compare yourself to

their got something

that makes you uncomfortable whether it’s success

or looks or money or

whatever the fuck it is you know they’re

doing something you don’t that you wish you were doing

you know they

are getting

attention you wishing you were getting that’s all it is

so you have to

treat them instead of like

human beings

you have to

treat them like

these little

aberrations little blips of energy and you got to

learn from them

so when you see some douchebag

that like chimes in and says something fucked up

the way you have to look at

these people in is almost like

these sad little creatures

like trapped in

like a jail of

their own choosing

you know so

don’t respond to

these fuckers

yeah i just got

what were we talking

about yeah no

that’s the weep for you

i got an email

a few days ago that

literally said

you know i just saw your special in comedy central

you were one of those guys

where your parents must have told you you were funny

even though you weren’t

and then he goes on to say you know you you suck

you’re not funny you’d

maybe make a good weather guy blah blah blah

so then i saw that that’s actually kind of

funny you might

maybe make a

good weather

guy i’m not saying this

you suck as a comic but

i believe you if you said a

storm front was coming in

but then i was like at

first i got mad and wanted to respond the guy

and then i went you know what how many

emails do i get from people that were like that was the

greatest show ever and i don’t even

think about responding exactly but that’s the problem

what’s that guy’s

focus like there’s not been

what like you do said one band that i’ve hated so much

that i went to

their website logged in and said i just

wanna let you

i never coming to see you no artist no writer no

comic no nothing

i’ve never i’ve

never done that to anybody

online that i did if i didn’t like

their stuff i didn’t like it

you know i might like comment on twitter i thought that

movie sucked you know but

but writing someone like some fucking horrible scathing

evil email like that that’s only and you know the

second you’d

reply to it

their heart would

because they were

excited oh and then it’s on

this guy that i told you that i sent that

email back he

wrote me fucking paragraph that

that douchebag probably spent

hours of that meanwhile she

probably unemployed

his life’s in fucking

shambles probably 12 years old and he pees himself

still and he has a computer and

he’s making fun of all of us that’s the problem i hate

i got in a fight with somebody the

other day and forth

and then i went

to his myspace page and it was like a kid

like he had pok

man as one of his favorites

and i’m like oh

my god i’m even wasting time

on this kid

yeah it’s possible it’s always possible that the little

teenagers but

the more important

thing is that what it is

is it’s not a person and you

think it’s a person because

you know like

in real life if someone did that to you it would

cause like a real situation

you’d be like wow there’s like some negative energy

going back and

forth between me and this person but you’re

not even making physical contact with that person

so you gotta

learn how to like not accept it

like when shit comes

in and it’s like anonymous shit on the internet you

gotta learn how to not accept that it’s a difficult

thing right

yeah it’s tricky this is probably the

trickiest thing

about being

in the you know

quote unquote public eye

you know is dealing with all the

losers all the fucking failures all the shitty

human beings

that just want to dump on people

and it’s easier

to dump on people if you do that all day then you

never have to look at what’s

going on with your own life

you were like i’ve had a busy day for sure i

wrote 10 bands that i hate and five

comics i can’t

stand wow this guy

i went to his

youtube page too

which is even more hilarious

cause it’s just

filled with

people shitting on him calling him an asshole

so i guess he just does this constantly just

fucks with people and

i thought it was it’s fascinating man it’s fascinating

that there’s people like that that for sure are fucking

losers not a single one of these guys

is successful

is doing what

they want to be doing because if they were they

would be concentrating on that i don’t have enough

energy out there to concentrate on some other shit

i don’t have any energy to go out there and try to

bring someone down for no reason

i don’t have it

i don’t have it to give

and if you have it to give

for sure you’re

missing something in your life abso fucking lutely

jesus listen

jesus i’ve been following a lot of christians

on the twitter lately

oh so this brings me back to r

kelly before

we went gay guys

gay guys big bear to r kelly okay

you fucking

have to see this r

kelly clip i

gotta show you this

video because

this is the best

piece of unintentional comedy

i’ve ever been a witness to

it’s r kelly

and it’s a video called

real talk and i

watched it i’m not bullshitting you man i watched it

fucking ten times yesterday

i’m gonna find it here

on your twitter

yep here it is

can um can i play it here how’s the volume

thing working i’ll do the volume thing on this computer

okay here we go

it’s on my twitter

you’re not even on my twitter faggot

yeah now you are i had to mute the other thing

oh my god you’re fucking ridiculous scroll down right

right there

scroll jesus christ can you fucking read

scroll down all the way man no it’s

damn you freaked out

i watched some

link that you hit yesterday but some guy in coal

i watch the

whole thing okay

crank this up

i think it’s a great song you know this is r kelly

who is my favorite

unintentional black comedian how real she

gets when you argue with your girl and shit you gotta

so i did it on youtube

i’m gonna do this shit for y’all on youtube

real talk behind the

scenes is what it’s called on youtube

now what it is is r kelly having an argument with his

chick and he turned it into a song

it’s a just a conversation with him and his chick

they love real talk

this is a motherfucker calm down

i was at a club with who

get the fuck man you know what

i’m not about to sit up here and argue with you

about who’s the blame

or call no names real talk see girl

only thing i’m trying to establish what you establish

meanwhile while he’s talking someone’s braiding

did she say there were other guys there but

how the fuck she knew i was with the mother

i love how there’s no singing during that

point because he’s got this intelligent point to make

do what other guys

he’s got a fucking rock solid excuse listen

i don’t know why you fuck with all them jealous

no man having assholes anyway

does it have to do with if he was out with

when they don’t eat with us listen to this

what they eat don’t make a shit

this is my favorite part

right here right here

fuck one of your funky ass

probably already doing that shit anyway

you gonna burn what look at this bitch i wish you

did he he is

okay shut it off he’s singing

that’s the end of it

and there’s like a fake

fight afterwards he’s singing through a ghetto argument

with his girl and he’s singing like with passion

and i wish you

would buy my motherfucking clothes real talk

everybody listening next time you

fight with your girl you have to just

throw the word real talk

into the conversation

oh my god that’s good

he likes he likes to pee on girls too

which is funny thinking is that

true though

yes do you saw you did not see the

video listen did he not get acquitted you don’t listen

son i’ve seen the

video you best you best watch a motherfucker he was

wearing real

talk real talk

he got his jacket and

got it bedazzled at the mall did you see that he had

those little

jewels he put on cell

phones all over

his i don’t know why you’re hanging out with all them

no man having assholes anyway we’ll talk

i want to see

him and easy e deep kiss what are you talking

about he’s fucking awesome

he is a dude out there

working for you

okay that guy is

providing you on

entertainment

you don’t look

you might not like him you

might think he’s

stupid but that was goddamn

entertaining for all the

wrong reasons

but i was goddamn

entertained that easily

could have been a

sketch on the chappelle show oh it was awesome

the wrong reasons yeah i like his road of thought

though when the girls like you were out with the

girls hey didn’t i buy you something yesterday right

you’re happy then

right so wait

happy then didn’t

i love the fucking

pause where there’s no music

did she say there were

other guys there

did she say there were

other guys there

i wish he would burn my

clothes i wish he

would and it

sounds like he said he was gonna

shoot her then bailed they were like

i mean something bad’s

gonna happen to you what they eat don’t make a shit

that’s a song

that’s genius

shit but you know you could say that this

idiot this moron but listen that guy is giving

massive amounts of unintentional comedy

yeah you know

he’s always been

great yeah he’s always been

great dude yeah i love him hilarious

fucking hilarious trapped in the

closet was one of the best ever it was like what

seven parts or something like that more than that like

twenty four parts so fucking dvd dude

i got a dvd of it it might be a two fucking dvd set i

wanna watch that in three d

yeah um i watch this

all day yesterday i just kept

watching it over and over and over again i

literally watched it ten times that’s awesome real talk

it’s genius

genius shit

anyway back to

britney murphy’s husband died isn’t that ridiculous and

crazy never figured that guy would be out there jogging

i mean was it a heart attack or drugs drugs

yeah that’s what they’re saying hmm

i mean it ain’t wheatgrass

juice that killed that fat fuck

i mean look at them

everybody was wondering why how that

related equinox

you want to want the protein

drink or do

you want to

look at it you see a guy who’s that fucking fat with a

movie star hottie for a wife

and she’s got a drug problem well that’s

where fucking

drugs are coming from they’re coming from the fat guy

i mean it doesn’t take sherlock

holmes to figure that one out that’s pretty simple yeah

man that’s a big problem out here isn’t it

prescription

drugs drugs are a huge problem in hollywood

and prescription drugs are the most

the biggest one that’s the one that

doesn’t get talked

about everybody’s on pills

i can’t tell you how many times someone has offered me

oxys people have offered me vicodins

people have offered me xanaxes just offering them

like you want some gum

hey you want a vicodin

you want a prescription drug you want some

oxys fucking

oxys man people are giving out heroin

if anyone’s giving out any nexium

let me know that’s stomach acid

medication i’m trying to get it’s

scary dude it’s scary

bringing human beings into this

world knowing that it’s just

gonna get more and more fucking crazy so

baby rogue at number two was just born the other day

and this is the craziest part of the

birth process

the birth process is totally normal you know

it’s all great and everything baby comes out beautiful

everything’s healthy everyone’s happy but

when a chick gives

birth to a baby and the baby comes out of her

pussy it tears her taint

it tears the line between the butthole and the vajayjay

and they have to sew the

tainted love

so the baby comes out okay

and the doctor has the baby i cut the cord

everything’s happy

we take the baby the baby goes

to the incubator

where they have to you know

clean it up and all that jazz

so while this is all happening the doctor

starts stitching okay

my wife is holding the baby okay

my wife’s holding the baby and she’s so

happy but she had an epidural

so she’s numb from the waist down

so she’s got this epidural

she’s not feeling shit and she’s

happy and smiley

she’s holding the baby meanwhile

her legs are up in the stirrups

and her vagina is a fucking scene from hellraiser

this dude is just hooks

and pulling

and hooks and pulling

just fish hooks

just digging into me and it’s not like one or two times

he’s fucking getting

in there he wants to tighten that shit up for me

and you pay him

extra for a couple more stitches oh

no he’s doing

he’s that’s like an old joke between men you know

hey doctor is a

twenty but a couple

extra stitches in that way

but no dude he is just

digging in but it was so surreal

watching the

scene because

on one hand here’s my wife

with this new baby

and she’s super

excited and there’s so much love in the air

and the baby’s

crying and nestling up with her

and there’s tears coming down her face and she’s so

happy and this huge

smile and then

three feet below that

is a fucking horror movie

i mean they’re just hooks

hooks hooks

wow yeah dude and then she has to wear a diaper

because you know

it’s all it’s

blood and the

whole area is a mess so she’s got these

crazy granny panties on

with this big

like giant super maxi

pad diaper type

thing stuffed

nice to her pussy

are we doing this now we’re

gonna sit back i feel very uncomfortable now i feel

more comfortable now doing this out of perspective

but you’re supposed to

everything i’ve read nothing i

would know but

you’re supposed to

never look right as it is why do you say that

i looked the

first time that’s

gonna haunt you

no it did not

blow the curtain

didn’t bother me at all

really that

first time no i mean

it’s natural man it’s part of life did

those stitches

come out by themselves or did they have to get yeah

that thing might be that what’s that who passes out

cause even you telling that story

it’s why i lean back i’m like

it’s real shit dude yeah

i might pass out for myself i’ve seen a lot of

trauma you know i thought

about that the

other day like

you know like

a fireman or a policeman they’ve seen way more

trauma than

right you know

they see a lot more

crazy shit than i do

but compared to the average person

i mean almost

every week i see somebody get

fucking senseless

i like like almost

every week i’m so oblivious to that

like when i see like

fights break out at clubs or something like that

i mean i always get like

i might want to get the fuck out of here but

i never get

uncomfortable i’m like

i see this all the time

like i’m always seeing

broken bones and

giant fucking facial gashes and

blood everywhere

so i’m watching this with this

clinical disconnect

well this guy is

digging fucking

hooks it’s like pinhead

what was the one where the

skin was stretched back that’s what it’s like just

and he’s going in there and he and

he had to change hooks at one time to get a bigger hook

to go deeper

cause they do levels

cause the whole

taint is is like ripped apart

and the fucking baby’s got my head

big fucking head baby

and this fucking

and it just rips just tears open

yeah dude it’s extreme shit and then

after the baby’s out

they pull this placenta bag out

and the placenta

bag this is

where the baby you know this is the sack

where the baby was living you know

inside to eat

no they pull it out do

they pull it out and it’s like

it’s like an alien

it’s like some

alien creatures like an

octopus was living in people you girls

push it yeah

yeah they cook it up

very strange yeah yeah they fry it with eggs

they fry it rather like eggs i keep doing that

which is probably very annoying

it’s what what you talk

bananas was something i couldn’t stop saying the

other day sometimes i got a word in

my head like that is fucking bananas and it just gets

stuck and it got

stuck for like the

whole two hour podcast

so anyway my advice to you

is don’t look below the curtain you should look

you should look you

should know what the fuck is going on

you gotta be able to handle it as a

human as a man especially

well there’s nothing like that you ever prepared for

you know so

i mean i could probably watch

fights all day

long well you you have a stepdaughter you ever thought

about shooting a live one into the missus and making a

making a real one

we’ve never not

tried but obviously

you know so you have

tried yeah but

never not you

know but you’ve been trying to have a baby this

whole time you with her but

what five years now

wow you want i don’t know how but then i’m like well i

travel all the time and then i hear you you’re

knocking them out

everything are you are you

on i do are you no i don’t i don’t think i

travel when you do

um are you um

getting your balls

checked right now i went

got got that

thing whatever the number is it’s like

twenty two million is average like i had like

i was in the sixties or

seventies so you’re good

yeah so she’s got a broken box

or something or i’m

never home that i don’t

understand cause then i

watch like the

have you ever fucked her

thirty days in a row

no whoa welcome to

marriage ladies and gentlemen no all you

people out there fucking

girlfriend three times a day

i think that you like man i

wouldn’t change if i got married

yeah it would yeah you’re gonna

you’re gonna stop fucking your wife so hard

on the road like

for me somebody wednesday through sunday

you know some months are less than others but let’s

say bitch i’m on the road

this is real talk

how the fuck you

expect me get you pregnant when i’m in mississippi

how much do you think it feels

talk free sperm

it’s a lot do you want to freeze your loads i’m

thinking lately

if everything adds up why not just free

sperm get your shit

snipped and then

not have to

worry what if your fucking

sperm gets all thawed out one day yeah power out

fuck what if you put

it in two separate locations like mom’s fridge in ohio

and then some science lab in

california hmm

okay i guess you

could do that

mom’s fridge

i’d rather free stem

cells you’re

gonna make some retired baby son

mom’s fridge was shitty

it wasn’t totally frozen you’re

gonna have some half life tell

my kid he smells like otter

pops i used to have a joke about that

there was a

group that was trying to take

it was called the

second coming project

they were trying to take

dna from the shroud of turin

you know the shroud of

turin is supposed to be the

cloth that covered jesus

and they were

gonna take dna from the shroud of

turin and do a

clone of jesus

they’re gonna make a clone

and give birth this

clone baby and that

would be the

messiah they

would bring

jesus back to life with technology

and i was like that’s all well and good but the

technology behind cloning has not been perfected yet

i mean like when they made dolly the

sheep dolly’s fucking dead

you know and there’s a lot of

things that

they make that come out all fucked up and they die

like what if they made a retarded

jesus like that was the joke

like if jesus came back and they gave

birth to him but he had down syndrome

like would they

still follow him he just wants to go bowling and the

joke the joke was like he’s the messiah

dude he’s fucking shit in his pants he’s drooling

over something

it might be a test

bring that joke back

yeah instead of turning

water into wine

he would turn like cat shit into cookies

i like the cookies yeah

drool’s all

over his cookies make sure nobody else eats them

so he’s the messiah

that’s good instead of

crosses everybody be wearing helmets

look man if there was really if they really

knew for sure that they had something that had the

blood of christ on it and they knew

that there was some technology

i guarantee you there’s be some wackos that

would be convinced that that

would be the way that

jesus would be coming back

is like they were supposed to do it and that is how

you know it’s through

technology that the the christ

manifests itself

in this in this dimension and this this time and era

there’s a lot of people that believe that there’s

i’m following some guys on twitter right now

some creationists

my fucking god

their arguments are scary

i’m just listen to them talk

about these

i’m following dudes that

think the earth is ten thousand years old

and they get in arguments all day with people

their entire day is consisted of

consists of

arguing with people

about the origins of the earth

about how old the

earth is and

about how complex cells are

and how these

things would be impossible to create

just random

guy i love people

like that that’s when you jump on and go yeah

jesus was an operating

system and you just fuck with him you know

go crazy and just

troll with him and act like you’re being serious

to piss him off do you

i don’t act like i’m being serious i don’t i don’t

troll them either most of the time i just read it

i like i like listening to people

when they have the real arguments when they get really

angry like really go back and forth with each other

about shit that

you don’t have a goddamn clue

about like you’re telling me that the

human eye is

too complex so that’s why there’s a god like really

for real that’s

their argument

what a nutty ass fucking argument

that it’s too complicated for my

stupid ass i don’t

understand how it works

so there must be a god meanwhile they just created the

first artificial cell

have you did you read about that

they made a

synthetic cell

they made the very

first synthetic cell

which is the the beginning of us creating life

which is what supposedly god did

look if human beings evolved

if we’re at right now

if we live and manage

not to blow ourselves up or hit peak oil or whatever

and 100 million years from now we’re still here

how much more fucking advanced are we

gonna be than we are right now

what we can do

right now if we can make an artificial cell right now

if we can put

satellites into orbit

transmit data

wirelessly across the entire planet instantly

what kind of insane

innovations are we

going to have a million years from now

10 million years

100 million years

we’ll be undiscernable from gods we’ll be able

to create our own universes we’ll be able to literally

create our own dimensions our own universes

there will be scientists that figure out ways to

break boundaries

through this

world and into the next

fucking wormholes through

space and time all that shit is

gonna happen

you know all that shit is on the way a hundred percent

so how the fuck do you know that that’s not what

there’s there’s a lot of scientists that

absolutely believe that the universe

that we live in may very well be just some sort of

model that’s being run by some

super intelligent being

hmm that we literally

we are we are running inside like some sort of a

system those scientists love smoking pot

most scientists do

dude carl sagan

was a huge pothead

why would you not be a pothead if you’re a scientist

scientists are supposed to be

thinking around

sitting around

thinking about cool shit

right right why

would you not want to be high when you’re

thinking about cool shit

like if you watch a

space documentary

space documentaries are my favorite

things to watch

i love watching

space documents

cause it just

they just put it all in perspective like

sometimes you have to

watch them two or

three times to really get what they’re saying

cause it’s so fucked up

but when you

watch them sober they’re not nearly as interesting

when you watch them high on weed

we never tried on weed

if you do it on

smoking pot

watches big documentaries

you know carl sagan

used to smoke weed

every fucking day

carl sagans

thing was he

would smoke pot and that’s

where we get his ideas from

i mean he wrote

about my signature on the broken

board is all carl sagan

is that you

yeah my problem though with

watching these documentaries like you just had me

watch a documentary the

other day yes

collapse collapse and my problem with

these documentaries is it just takes one little

thing for me to just get thrown off the

tracks and believe in belief you know

well you don’t have to believe in documentaries i don’t

i don’t believe most the documentaries i i listen to or

watch what i do is i just try to see

even if this guy’s wrong

about a lot of shit

does he have

points because i know a lot of people who are

wrong about a lot of shit but

every now and then they’ll say something

like okay here’s a perfect example alex jones

alex jones is not

right all the time he’s just not

some of the

stuff that he believes is fucking crazy

and i don’t

understand it i listen to him

and i see the

connections that he’s making when he says that

he’s got proof and

we have the documents

and alex is a friend of mine and i love the guy

but i listen to his

connections and i’m like this is illogical this is your

you want to come to this

conclusion and that’s how you

found it but

every now and

then more than

every now and

then a lot he’ll say shit that i know is right

i mean it’s just facts yeah but the problem is a lot of

these people are

using how they present

these facts

quote unquote

is almost like

a used car salesman trying to sell you you know

jelly beans

it’s like like this guy last

night he was saying

things and i used car

spells in nineteen forty yeah

boy that car sales was trying to fuck you

well what they sell you a car buddy

like like i was having a problem with the documentary

i watched last night because

he was saying a lot of things i’m like that

is that really true

like how he said i was kind of like

he said that

weird does that mean it’s not true or not okay and then

i researched it last night and he

actually that’s

known for that guy

for saying things like

a news report had something on about say oil

that he would say

even fox news has reported on it you know

and how he’s saying it gives you the

impression that they were

right about what

they reported

on but they’re not they just reported on it but

he says it’s so fast kind of like a used car salesman

that you’re kind of just subconsciously

going oh no the news reported on it you know

he’s a very compelling

speaker and what we’re talking

about is the michael rupert

movie and it’s called collapse

and what it’s all

about it’s about peak oil

and it’s all

about how the

world is gonna fall

apart because they’re

gonna run out of oil

and will have no way to get goods

to people and groceries and shit and there’d

be no way to get around we can’t manufacture anything

cause everything’s made with plastic

and another

thing like so i was

thinking this the

whole time while i’m

watching the documentary then he said something i

blatantly knew he was lying on

and i’m like you blatantly knew blatantly knew

he was blatantly

lie if i put that word in

front of it sounds

more important so

he said that cell phone

companies have been

slipping on maintenance of their

towers at all time high and that

all the cell

phone towers

are not getting maintenance

did he say that yes and that pretty soon we are

going to have even

worse cell phone coverage

i know for a fact that

right now at amp

t verizon and

everything are on so on top of

their game when it comes to cell

phone towers

and maintenance and repairs and

building their

systems up at

the highest they’ve ever been in

and i have an app on my iphone called at amp

t mark the spot

every time i get a

dropped call or i have problems with my service

it automatically geotags

the location that you’re at and it sends it to at amp

t so they have it on

their file so they know where the

towers are doing bad

i’ve been doing that ever

since the app came out the

other day they sent me an

email to our text message out of the blue going

hey just so you know

we’ve been getting all your reports and

thank you because of your reports we’ve decided to

build a new tower

by your house

it will be in

effect in the next two months

thank you for

continuing to

use this application it really helps us out a lot

and so right there i can tell you

right now that’s

something they didn’t do five years ago on at amp

t’s network

you know i was having bad servers there five years ago

i’m screwed

i know for a fact that that statement

alone that he made in that documentary was bullshit

so that means

everything else

that he’s doing when he’s crying and petting his dog

and acting like

some kind of

faggot i know i

can’t believe

anything that guy says well it gets even better

here’s where it gets better

first of all why you gay

if you pet your dog

first of all he was

he lost a sexual harassment suit

125 000 dollars and whatever back wages so it

would be like

127 000 dollars

from some woman who was working for him he

made a sexual advance and showed up at the door in his

underwear that was like his move and

she freaked

out and she’s like i don’t want any part of this

so she got rid of him

or she you know told him she’s not

gonna fuck him and he fired her

and so she sued and she won

she won 125 000

so this guy’s you know

fucked financially because of that

but the type of person that does that

that first of all

tries to fuck

their employees

at like 50 something years

old alright this ain’t a 20 year old kid who just like

taking a wild chance

somebody gives them

some shitty advice

like maybe you

should just whip your dick out really you sure

i’ve know i’ve

given people that advice before

and you fucking hear from

their friends you know

the next day dude what

the fuck you told me to pull my dick out she fucking

screamed and

called the cops and like whoa you

gotta know when to pull your dick out

you can’t just pull it out with everybody you

crazy fuck that

was a move that my roommates in college always did i

never had the

guts to do it but they said if the girl won’t

hook up with you like you’re making out you’re on the

thing just pull it out and

start beating off yeah and that she’s

gonna do two

things she’s either gonna one

going to help you or two be so offended and leave but

you kind of

swing in for that

other 50 you

gotta take a chance

you gotta know who you’re taking the chance with though

right and you don’t do it with a

chick who’s fucking working for you like this

crazy asshole

yeah another

thing about the movie that

drove me nuts was him

talking about how

he just likes to

go on long walks

with his dogs like dude you just talked

about the end of fucking

civilization people are

gonna starve to death

an hour and a half why are you telling

cigarettes yeah

while you’re smoking

cigarettes like a retard

that’s another

thing i was

gonna get into that too

look you might be intelligent and

smoke cigarettes but that is a fucking

stupid thing to do smoking cigarettes

is something that everyone with a

brain should figure

out and we should

get when you’re talking

about the end of the

world and yeah

you’re talking

about the end of

civilization people are

gonna suffer meanwhile

dude you’re

gonna rot out the inside real soon

you’re in your 50s and you’re fucking

chain smoking

while you talk

right you’re giving this doom and gloom lecture

and he’s got his dog comes over to him

and he’s like

i just like to go on walks with my dog like

this motherfuckers like a character in a movie

he’s like a character in a jack london book

you know is

like the man who knows

about it and

all he does he goes on walks he’s not blogging

about it anymore he’s not writing

he’s just preparing for the collapse like

so i saw that and i’m like this guy

is all doom and gloom and has a vested interest

the other thing that i didn’t like is

how much pride he took in being

right about

past things that fucked up

oh we were so

right we so nailed my

cream listen

douchebag a lot of people saw the fucking housing

bubble asshole a lot of people saw that there was

gonna be an economic collapse

you’re not the only person that

predicted the fucking

stock market was

gonna crash

because of an over inflated housing market

because of all the fucking

the interest that’s out there

right now that people can’t pay off and

crazy fucking credit card debt and all sorts of

bullshit that’s

going on wall street

a lot of people knew that was

happening just

imagine the shit that cut from that interview you know

there was probably one time where he

started taking off his

clothes and asking for massages from the camera guy and

stuff there was probably all like a

ton of shit that he was saying

that was brian

you think you’re

just getting out

of line i’m just saying that guy was

i could just

could not believe

a word that dude was saying there’s something

about it something

about and then

so i go on i

go okay now i have to find out is peak oil a real

thing is there some debate

of whether peak oils real thing

so i go online and i see this

geologist has a

peak oil by the

way for what people don’t know a peak oil is the

point of oil

whereas the top

like the highest amount of oil we’ll ever have

in this country or in the world

so once we’re at

production it reaches a peak and then it declines

so there will be less and less oil

and they’ll get to a

point eventually

where we’ll run out of oil

until we can make oil

yes well what this guy was saying in the ted

talk and ted

if you don’t know i don’t remember what the acronym ted

stands for but the the

ted talks online are all

these like super

intelligent

geniuses to talk

man fucking

get lost on there and they talk talking

about different different subjects and one of them last

night was a guy

it was talking

about oil and

the fucking trillions and trillions of barrels of oil

that we have discovered all over the world

and that geologists know exactly

where it is

and that we just have to

figure out ways to get it from all

these different

places so i’m listening to this guy

and he’s like

we’re not going to run out of oil what we’re

gonna do is

eventually we’re

gonna come up with something that can replace oil and

his argument was kind of

weird too he said the

stone age did not end because we ran out of

stones yeah

i thought that was kind of

okay yeah i see what you’re saying but

that’s fucking dumb of course with

stones don’t

power anything stupid

you know like you know you know i’m saying

like stones

using to make

things okay yeah i see your

point but look this a lot more complicated

scenario going on with our

we require oil for everything

for fucking food

we require oil for vitamins we require oil for

medicine to a point

but you also you’re getting a lot of that from that

drama queen no no i’m

getting that

from ground

you don’t need oil

oh brian yeah you do

what what the fuck is

gonna power the tractors what

no no no no to you

i’m in my backyard

planting a okay you’re

gonna go are you

gonna order

this somewhere i’m

gonna get on a fucking donkey

and travel somewhere

you have to take into account

shipping you have to take into account

travel you have to take into account

where does everything you buy come from and what is

everything you’re buying made out of

and the seeds you’re gonna buy

most likely are

gonna be in some fucking packaging even if it’s

paper it’s gonna have

paint on the package that

paint’s gonna be made out of oil all

right to a point

but what if you have that’s a big

point dude well no

no also the

point is all

right oil is gone

today all right no oil left

all right i also

could just go to my mom

hey mom do you have a seed yeah i have a

whole box of seeds over there

can i have them okay

let me take

these seeds in my backyard and

plant and how you

fuck you gonna get to your mom’s

house in ohio if you know

i’m just saying if she

lived next to me

well what if she

doesn’t mean

you got no oil

son you get what i said you

know you’re

ridiculous all right

i jump on a bicycle

and my mom go to ohio

right and what do you

think makes the tires of

that bicycle

five months what makes the tires on the bicycle

what if you

have my tires

got my tires what if they’re

blown out in my

story there’s no

more tires left

and they’re

blown out then i’ll use my feet and i’ll walk there

it’s gonna take two years

get some fucking you’re

gonna starve to

death because there’s

gonna be no food i’m

gonna travel

to get that food to you

with with trucks

look dude and you know

well that’s the problem

it’s this argument

about ethanols that it takes more energy to create

ethanol than you

get out of it says one report out of 5 000 reports

that well you didn’t research that yes i did

i went on last night to wikipedia

cause i researched this for fucking

wikipedia it’s completely i was up till 5 am last

night researching this dumbass

from this stupid movie

michael you think michael rupert is a dumbass

he’s being evicted by

his own apartment

i know retards that are not getting

evicted from their own

apartment and this

guy i’m supposed to believe in he’s getting evicted

they said during the filming of this

movie he was getting evicted

oh really you’re getting

evicted wow

my sister can’t even get

evicted and she

makes like five

bucks a day you know

yeah but he’s not making any

money he’s trying to warn the

world he’s out there saying oh that’s

why he’s falling

this guy’s the

second dvd he’s making

doesn’t have a website isn’t he going

nationwide and having

speeches at holiday inns

oh the ends where you going i mean

does he have like big conferences that he does

speak well he’s doing them now because of the

movie the movie is getting a lot of attention

before that he did that too

yeah but nobody was paying attention to him back then i

think brian has an oil company i

just yeah brian

does not like him a guy

look well i

think a check

i think for sure

for sure we ratted

out to our country man

what what did you say just kidding

what did you say there ratted out our country ratted

out our country

he’s the one that

ratted out what

cia for doing in drugs and stuff

yeah he was an lapd officer

and he busted the michael rupert

and he busted the cia

delivering drugs to the poor neighborhoods

which is fucking

absolutely true

which is another

thing like we were talking

about like the alex

jones thing

like the alex

jones thing

where there’s a guy who’s

right about some shit

you know and he’s

right about that and he was

right about the cia delivering drugs into

these bad neighborhoods and selling drugs

i mean that was like a

rumor back then

but that shit has been proven now i mean there’s

there’s so many different cases

where so many different like

barry seals in mina arkansas

that’s a good one there’s

people who are

pilots that have come

clean about it

there’s the cia

drug plane that

crashed in mexico last year with

four tons of cocaine in it i mean it’s

it’s a lot of fucking

money man it’s a lot of

money and if they’re willing to go

places and kill people you don’t

think they’re willing to sell drugs that’s ridiculous

the people that are

in charge of the government the people at the highest

levels of government have access to

all sorts of shit that we don’t and

the fact that there’s billions and

billions of dollars to be made in drugs and that drugs

those drugs are

gonna get sold anyway you know

why wouldn’t they sell them

so he’s right about that

he’s definitely

right about that

but this peak oil thing man

he’s all doom and gloom

and the end of the world and

no won’t note there’s nothing that’s

gonna possibly replace it

can you fucking say that

can you say that

yeah that well that guy in that

ted conference was talking about that

we used to use wood

but then we got used font

technology yeah we read that you saw the same

yes so that

would now there used to be a way for us to have

energy now that’s gone and now we move to this and then

right and then we

learned from that and then we move on to the next thing

so he was saying that what natural gas

and some other type of stuff that

the problem is man we make so much

shit with oil

it’s fucking insane

everything in this room

is made with oil your goddamn computers made with oil

everything is made

with oil isn’t there a way to make it

with oil for the most part i don’t know i

think there has to be

there has to be like

well yes making with oil is the best way

but you can also make it with corn

well maybe but i mean

think about all the oil that’s coming out in the gulf

right now 75 000 barrels a day i don’t know how many

gallons is that how many gallons is 75 000 barrels and

fucking insane insane amounts whatever the fuck it is

hundred thousand

who the fuck knows

so seventy five

to a hundred thousand gallons a day or barrels a day is

is leaking out into the

golf people are saying you can make plastic with hemp

yeah you can

i posted a thing

today on my twitter

about a hemp car from 1941

from henry ford

but i don’t know if you can make all the

shape the same shit that you can make with oil my

point is that

the amount of oil

that’s coming out just in that one area in the gulf is

insane think

about how long it

would take you to grow

that much hemp to make oil out of it

i mean it’s fucking incredible i mean you

would have to have a farm the size of the moon

you know you know

i mean this shit is just pouring out into the ocean

there’s not that enough weed to do that in the

whole world not yet not

yet how are you

gonna grow it you’re

gonna have to have skyscrapers like

sizes of like a hundred football

fields a hundred stories high

and each each

floor is hydroponics

i know in detroit

they’re thinking

about doing that

urban farming you know there’s so many

areas of detroit that there’s no homes anymore yeah

but that’s just

dirt i’m talking

about hydroponic

buildings yeah i’m talking

about gigantic fucking

buildings and even that

would not be enough weed

okay they mean think

about the oil that’s coming out of the ground right now

that’s an incredible amount of oil

when you go and you

drive down the pch you see

those offshore oil rigs

and you think

about how many of them must be out there in the

world how many different rigs

when you take that

drive from la

sienna get to the airport

you know that

drive you see

those oil rigs

you don’t think

about those

until some shit happens

and you go how many of

those are out there

how many of them are in

texas what is

those little

things those

things like

to do anything

they don’t seem like to do anything says the scientist

there’s like one little rackety

one that looks like an old farmer

mitt put up there a long time ago that

statement is how michael rupert is

gonna discredit you for discrediting him

this fool doesn’t even know that

those things

pump out thousands of barrels of gallons of oil a day

so joe i got an

email from somebody from

china that wanted us to talk

about the foxcon

suicides and if you knew anything about that

the foxcon suicide

there’s a huge company in

china that makes

called foxcon

and they make

everything like keyboard mice they make a lot

like ipods iphones they’re the ones that put together

all the computers and just

super cheap help

and foxconn i think

i want to say it’s

500 000 employees

work at it and they all live there

and they just work non stop i mean they’re talking

they wake up

work and go to bed and i

think they only get

eight hours

sleep and they go

right back to work and

anyways in the last

year i want to say or with this year

alone there’s already been 11 suicides i

think it was

and 30 attempted suicides

and i guess how many employees

i don’t know how many but

it’s a lot of employees

i would say

500 000 a lot of people trying to

kill themselves at work

i’m not sure there’s been people who

might want to have a

pizza party or something

you know on a friday you have that many people

your company

trying to kill themselves

maybe friday’s casual fun day

that’s the thing

shirt day about when it comes to like

cheap products and

cheap electronics i mean

there’s really

only one way to get a fucking netbook for 700 bucks

okay and that way is

some dude has to eat rice out of a little bowl and

sleep in a box

and he has to wake up to a whip

and fucking do it all over

again every day of the week and he

doesn’t get any days off

i mean that’s

the only way to make that shit you can’t make

that shit with

union american guys from detroit

you know it’s

gonna take too much time it’s

gonna cost too much money

one of the reasons why you can get a netbook for 600

bucks or however

i think they’re like 500

bucks right

yeah you can get them for 2 99 up really

that’s incredible

yeah but you can

get a little fucking computer for

29 but i mean when

you get on youtube you’re like oh that’s why it’s 2 99

yeah but so what dude think

about what you

could get just a few hundred

you know you know

for a few hundred dollars a couple of years ago yeah

i mean that’s a pretty incredible piece of

technology for 300

bucks i can’t

believe how much

stuff you can’t buy here i was trying to

find this company that makes scissors you know

those orange handled

junk drawer scissors that everybody has

right i was trying to find a us

based company

to make these scissors

right couldn’t do it

i’ve probably i’ve probably i’ve

given up look

googling it and trying to find

scissors manufacturers and all the

stuff it’s like

just huge and it’s just a pair of scissors

go to michael’s

you gotta go to arts and

crafts yeah

those are actually arts and crafts

is your son gonna

get on amazon

com no i know i can buy them i want to find a

place that will

produce them for

you just went

yeah yeah i mean

like different not just purchase that just went to the

wrong store dude

talking about people fucking dying

i see what he’s

saying he’s saying he wants to find a manufacturer

no but i’m saying

i can’t even find that here that everyone i

found is overseas this is

no one no one has

time here to be making scissors

we’re fucking how are we

gonna cut the trees

going to war and clogging up that hole in the

gulf that’s pumping out oil we ain’t got no

time is made

little faggy scissors with the rounded tips you little

pussy so it’s crazy about this foxcon

thing the more that’s insane the more i looked into it

right so for one thing they only get 900

chinese yen

per month which is about

130 what our

are things and this is working non stop wait a minute

they get 130 dollars a month yeah

and holy shit i didn’t know

about this how did i not how was i not aware about this

and these guys are

these guys are employed

apple employees

them sony employees them all the big guys

actually i don’t

wanna say sony does cause i’m not 100 sure

but apple does but i know for sure that

apple does and

guards beating employees like there’s all these like

stories about this

place where they have live video of like

the guards at this

place beating up the employees on tape to

china’s a motherfucker dude

yeah china is a

motherfucker there’s a billion people there

and the bottom line

about human beings is once you get into really

large numbers of us

we lose our appreciation for each other

i mean it’s just

that’s how it is with rats that’s how it is with money

i mean if you have a lot of

money fucking you drop a dollar you don’t give a shit

about it but you have five dollars

you drop a dollar that dollar is important to you

right you know and

when there’s too many goddamn people

you get to a

point where there’s

a billion people there’s not enough food and you’re

literally regulating how many children people can have

because it’s so overpopulated

you know china has a billion people

there was a billion people in the entire fucking

world up until like a hundred years ago

you know do you know how nutty that is

just couple hundred

years ago there was no more than a billion in the

whole fucking world

now they’re all in

china and who knows what the real number is man and

we don’t really know what the real number in america is

we don’t i mean it’s how

difficult is it to take a census of a billion people

by the way the census guy hid in

his car and

stalked my house

what all right a couple weeks ago we were talking

about the census remember this

where i asked you do i have to do this

anyways so i came home the other

night and there was this guy outside of my

house looking

sketchy as fuck

and then i just kind of like get in the

house get in the

house and then

later that night

maybe four hours

later i see him sitting

in his car outside of my

house i’m like there’s that same guy

and so i’m like

okay i’m just walking to my car and

suddenly he gets out of his car looks at me

and he gets back in his car

cause i got in my car

then i came back home he was

still there i go in my

house he rings my doorbell he was from the census

and did you

ask him hey why the fuck were you sitting in

front of my

house all day i didn’t i just answered his questions

and he showed me his

how often are you

done what’s a good time about his

yeah he asked me

he showed me a census

badge and he was asking all these

crazy questions

about people that

lived here april 1st

who lived here

april 1st i’m like

actually no one

and then they’re like are you okay

but he kind of made me feel like

i was in trouble in

trouble but i wasn’t

how ridiculous is that

do they have a

right to interview

it’s the law the law is they have a

right to interview

and ask you all

these questions

at their convenience

i don’t know but he was outside my

house to make a fucking

appointment

shouldn’t be able to ring your doorbell

so i got shit to do dude

you wanna give me your

email address i’ll call you

pretty freaky

give me your

email address and i’ll call you

i think they’re like headhunters now

i think in california

the response was so bad

that they actually hired

headhunters

like private eye guys

get that i know

i filled mine out and then i got one a month

later saying

sorry you’re part of the section of

senses that we lost can you redo it

so they lost like

i filled that one

twice or some guy trying to steal my

identity and just

thought again anything government man anything

with the government the problem with it is you got a

bunch of people for the most part that are

working for the government that don’t want to be there

you know that’s the fucking problem with any of

those jobs this is even

worse cause

i valet the other day

i went to the

saddle ranch on

sunset and i vow

laid and i just got in the mail a parking

ticket when they

took my car they parked it in a red zone got a

ticket took the

ticket off the car

i got a ticket

i would never have

known about it

and i owe like 130 dollars now

wow you should go there

well i told the sour

ranch and they’re like we don’t own that valet

and i call the valet

guy and they’re like we don’t do that and i’m like ugh

so i filed out this

whole thing with the

state like a hey i didn’t do this

report it’s one of the most

annoying well you’re

still responsible

one of the most

annoying and

irritating things

about la is that you got a valet

everywhere i don’t like that

shit at all have some dude just farting in your car and

right going

through your drawers

yeah you ever

had anything come up missing all the time all the time

yeah i don’t i if i can

avoid valley

i never keep

shit in my car anymore i don’t have a goddamn

thing in there have gum

yeah you want to

steal my gum go

steal my gum they always take

quarters they

record like if i have a

quarters dimes and nickels i’ll go back in and the

quarters all

gone do you ask them no i stopped even bothering

wow where’s the cam

where’s the card cams don’t they have

where we can

just set it and we’ll take it to some ballets

and then we’ll sue him for

stealing our

stuff what do you

love fucking

inside edition yeah

yeah we’ll do

our own little

and then chris

matthew whatever his name is can pop up out of the back

accident ask you why you have

those quarters in your hand exit

what i was just

gonna help a kid

actually they did it there’s a really cool

video of you google nbc

los angeles valet car

something like that did something like that there’s

a really cool report they did they busted people oh

dude it was like

seven out of ten of them they took

things yeah

yeah it’s a

show on like i’d

watch that show i

watched some bait

car show the

other day where they have this

car that they set up to let people steal

and then once they

steal it they’re driving

it’s all cammed and then the guy can shut down the car

as you drive and unlock the guys in

i’ve seen that yeah so but do that with valets that

would be awesome

how about just have a fucking parking lot

you know most the

place where you go to you don’t have

fucking valley parking everywhere

it’s just la is like lacking in space

but everyone

drives it’s not like new york

where they’re lacking space but

you take a cab or the

subway or whatever

you know no one

drives new york very few people do

you know most of people to get around other ways

but in la everybody fucking

drives but there’s

still the same

space problem

you can’t have like an expensive restaurant and a

giant parking

structure there that’s too much money

you know i avoid

places if i can’t park my car

i just don’t go there

i don’t you know

it’s very rare

it has to be

like a meeting that i have to go to or have to valet

and i’m like

motherfucker

i’ll park blocks away and walk

just so someone

doesn’t have to sit in my fucking car

touch my shit

i went in my car once and there was mexican

music playing

i’m like you

motherfucker

you found a mexican station

you know he went

right to i mean i had it on

satellite radio he

switched to am

went right to his mexican station how long is he

driving for

you know what i mean yeah what the fuck exactly

yeah that’s a terrible part

about living in la

i remember there was a comedy club i used to work out

where you’d have to valet and

every time i come back i noticed my gas was completely

gone and it was in michigan so what the guy would do

he’d go well he’s just the mc

they would sit in my car

throughout the whole show

i keep warm

the heat on

wow and burn up all the gas

and then when

at the show is over then they give me my car back

wow you say something to him i said something to the

owner or whatever then i remember the guy who in the

place gave me ten bucks

and goes quit your wine and gave me a

wine and it was probably

about 19 years old

yeah quit your whining

i kept your

car running

i’ve been farting in your car been

sitting here doing whatever

smoking cigarettes

oh yeah probably

you know back then

sure and and the