Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

Transcript

record start broadcast shazam bitches

i think it’s on we live

yeah it’s a lot hi fuckers

we’re getting a little better 307 now

that’s a little bit better right there we go

zoom zoom zoom what’s happening fuckers

everybody can hear us

it’s all good let’s leave it sideways

our lives leave it with a gangster lean

hello everybody

welcome to the

what is it the fucking

ninth weekly one or something

we have continued

motherfucking saga continues

ladies and gentlemen

this is how you drink coffee okay

like a fucking man see that shit right there

that’s what’s called a french press

you can get it at starbucks starbucks

for like 20 bucks or something or you know

a target for 20 bucks

that’s what i was in the middle saying

target and starbucks at the same time

just grind up your coffee

you pour it in this motherfucker you pour the hot

water you push down the plunger but bam

you got coffee

yeah it’s gritty

and it’s got like little pieces of

stuff in it but so what you fucking pussy

man up man up and drink you and

spill all over for

man up and drink your coffee

so how was australia australia is the shit

if you’ve never been to australia

it’s fucking spectacular

it’s beautiful

the people are cool as fuck

it’s really bizarre man it’s way the fuck on the

other side of the world like

literally on the other side of the world to where it’s

a nineteen hour time difference

between los angeles

and australia

what’s the weed laws like out there is there any

the weed is not very legal there

but it’s everywhere

everybody’s got wheat

yeah yeah so

because i got a text from mayhem

right before we left because mayhem got there before us

and he said yo this is the exact test

the exact text

yo customs here is a motherfucker

don’t bring any weed to kangaroo island

which if you know mayhem that’s a mayhem

quote right there nice

so ladies and gentlemen

a fucking trainer yesterday got killed by an orca

did you hear

about that shit no you didn’t hear about that

killer whale killed a trainer at seaworld

and what’s amazing to me is

how they haven’t been killing people up to this point

could you imagine if

whales killer whales are supposed to be

super intelligent

i mean they’re like as

intelligent as humans they’re cousins of dolphins

and we put him in a fucking fish tank

and make him do

tricks for mackerels

you know can you imagine what kind of hell that life is

when this whale

had killed a homeless man

that snuck into the fucking tank in nineteen ninety one

and he had also

or it might be a she i’m not sure he or she

had also i think it’s a he

had also almost drowned a trainer

remember that video

where the killer whale was playing with the person

dunking them under

yeah yeah yeah

in that same way

wow same way

yeah so i mean it’s not like the warning fucking signs

weren’t there

it’s like you know

you know you hear mike tyson

punch somebody

you couldn’t be shocked

what happens

like how do you die

oh it’s a woman that died

he grabbed her by the

waist and just fucking ripped her up

in the middle of a live show

yep the beginning of the

live show where’s the youtube videos is it out

that’s a good question i bet they

confiscated everybody’s cameras

as they were leaving yeah but you know

the sd cards are so

small you think you’d

learn to shove it up your ass or something this guy

if he was there for sure

there would be a

video of it

one fucking thousand percent yeah as soon as i

heard we need everybody’s cameras

sd card up ass

save to you

would have been

uploaded to youtube already yeah that

would have been

bluetooth to

you stream yeah there’s no fucking way i mean

could you imagine what that

must have looked like

you’re there and all of a sudden the killer he

grabbed her

about the waist

and just started

smashing her back and forth just ragdolling her

he just had enough he just said

that’s it that’s it motherfuckers you know

it’s really incredible that we

think it’s cool to do that and then we go and

watch them you know

it’s really like zoos bum me the fuck out

we went to a zoo in

australia while we’re there

and there was a cool part of it was the crocodile cage

because i don’t think that crocodile gives a fuck

where it is i think crocodiles are so dumb

i mean they seem

their mind seems so dead they just

lay there with their eyes closed

underwater for like

hours at a time but they don’t have

to breathe they don’t have to breathe for like an hour

so they just lay underwater

and just do nothing and just sit there they don’t

run around and play like when you pass like the

monkey cage at a zoo

that shit’s depressing

because they don’t

wanna be there when i was in denver

there’s a zoo in denver and the

monkey got in his fucking cage and was howling

this horrible howl

and it wasn’t a big cage

this monkey was

screaming out like a tortured

soul it was like a man in prison

you know let me out of here

the monkey was just wow

just screaming at the top of his

lungs and i was like yo this is not good

like this is not cool to do that

for what so people can stare at them

i mean that shit

might have flown in the

nineteen thirties you know back when there was no zoos

or back when there’s no

videos but we have

videos now man you don’t have to put them in a zoo

you know but that’s the only time we

would ever be able to see most of

those animals that’s the only

thing that makes me go well i see the reason for a zoo

cause i’m not

going to africa and hunting down a white

tiger you know

right but is it

worth it for them to struggle just so you

could stare at them

yeah but you don’t know

it could also be like

dude wait i don’t have to hunt my food there’s just a

steak here every morning when i wake up

i could sleep no you know no for like tigers

that shit is orgasmic

to chase down an animal

chase it move it

you ever see a cat like if you roll a ball string in

front of them they can’t help themselves man you

should know that you have cats right

cats can’t help it

they live for chasing shit

it’s just like

like you know a guy with a hard dick lives to fuck

right now it’s really the same thing man

there it’s nature rewards

them for being a good predator and i think

you know the way same way food

tastes good for us and sex feels good for us

they love to kill man nature

rewards them with some

crazy rush of energy

and endorphins when they kill something

you know so you give them a cold

plate of meat

just push an aluminum tray

under the fucking cage

that’s not the same and that’s not fun guaranteed

you know but that

doesn’t that

the killing thing

bothers me but

what really bothers me is the fucking amount of

room that they have to move around

the kangaroo cable

la zoo definite

the kangaroo

cage was fucked up have you ever been to the

san diego zoo though that’s a

whole i mean yeah

when i was there i was like man i

would like to be an animal in this cage

oh no we went down

this serious fucking

delay between what we’re saying or what we’re saying

is that it we got it okay um

yeah san diego is the shit

the way they have it is nice they have a big giant ass

place that that makes

sense but that’s

that’s fucking expensive

yeah you know

but that’s how it

should be the

places like the la zoo just shouldn’t exist

because that’s just

wrong you go

to the la zoo that’s just depressing as fuck

but there is like the columbus zoo

where i’m from

is one of the biggest zoos jack hannah’s from it

and it’s nice they may have just

acres and acres and acres of land and they

you know i don’t know if they

maybe throw out some goats once in a

while for the

tigers or something

they just don’t talk about it

no they don’t do

that they don’t ever do that they do that in iraq this

video in iraq of

they let a donkey loose

and this is how they do it every day

and the donkeys just walking

around eating and they open up the gate and these

tigers come running out of the gate and just

bitch slap that donkey

to the ground and fucking jack them it’s really kind of

wild to see

and it’s really

shocking these gis filmed it

when they were in iraq at the zoo

it’s shocking to see but

that’s really the way they’re supposed to eat

like though that’s how you

should do it

if you’re gonna feed animals you’re

gonna have wild animals you

should have them eat what they normal eat man

i mean like

what’s with this

feeding fucking

snakes frozen mice give them a fucking

mouse you know

i mean that’s what they’re supposed to do

we’re trying to like

enforce our

own ideas of morality and predation on fucking monsters

you know i mean like look a

snake is a monster dude you know

tigers that’s a monster

those are all monsters

yeah they’re natural

monsters they

there’s a whole natural

cycle of things and

to take them out of that there’s a

there was a kangaroo cage that was the most depressing

thing because

those kangaroos are just sitting there

they didn’t do shit they just laid there

human beings though

could be considered

monsters so like

if you put somebody in prison that’s a

mass murderer we’re doing the same

thing you know

we should let that mass murder go out on

his way and just murder a shitload of people you know

what kind of

dumbass logic is that

well i mean if you’re saying like

you know like a

tiger’s a tiger or whatever in like a

snake should kill its own prey and we should

you know do it what

well what no we’re feeding them

killed prey we kill it

first that’s what’s the most

ridiculous thing

is that we kill what they

they eat first

so that it’s not as brutal for us

somehow or another

someone else kills it you buy it killed then you

feed it to them that’s ridiculous

that’s not a mass murderer

dude mass murderers are just fucked in the head

they’re not killing for food it’s a part of a natural

cycle they’re just nuts

yeah you know

and then when you get a nutty person the problem is

human consciousness is so more complex

supposedly than animal

consciousness because we have the ability to alter

our environment so you can’t have

someone whose consciousness is haywire

cause that’s

when you have like serial killers mass murders

what you have is someone whose consciousness is just

gone off the

tracks and into the woods and you have just chaos and

if a society is

aware of itself

it has to realize that there’s certain issues are

gonna come up when you have

crazy people running around killing your family

and your friends

so you gotta kill them what you’re supposed to do with

someone like a mass murderer if you’re

absolutely convinced

that’s the problem really the problem is the court

system the court

system so fucking corrupt and

so many times

das and prosecutors

are just trying to get

they’re just kind of trying to get

a guilty verdict and they don’t give a fuck if someone

is guilty or not there’s many many many instances

where cops are framed guys

that were innocent

people have gone to jail for years

it turns out through dna evidence they were framed

i mean that’s happened many many many

that’s the real fucking problem

but if we could be

absolutely sure

that we knew that somebody was a mass murderer

or a rapist or

anyone with no remorse who hurt

other people

and could hurt someone that you care you

gotta kill them

why why keep around

there’s too many fucking people

you know i mean look it’s not like

they’re not

gonna die eventually

anyway it’s not like if you don’t kill them

you know they’re

gonna fucking

cure cancer and live forever no they’re not

gonna do anything they’re not

a mass murderer is not

gonna contribute to society you know they’re just not

there’s nothing is

gonna nothing good is

gonna come out of that they

should just line them up and like oh you need a new

liver bam you’re on

death row there

should be no like

you know time period and they’re

gonna electrocute you

they should just

shoot you take all the parts that they

think they could use your corneas or that your

livers yeah that’s

an interesting

topic because there was a threat on the

board the message board

on my website

where people were talking about

organs having a memory and

all these people who

have gotten

transplants from people all of a

sudden they knew

things that couldn’t have possibly

had dreams of

people they don’t even know

you know stuff like that yeah

i mean i’ve

heard of many

things like that

where people all of a

sudden had cravings for

certain types of foods and they had no idea that the

i mean this is not just one instance

and see the thing is

about memory like we don’t know

where memory is stored exactly

we don’t mean

they know an incredible amount

more than the average person

about the way the

human body works

much more than

people knew a hundred years ago much more than

you know even a decade ago

but they don’t know

everything there’s a lot of questions man

first of all with

human body your cells regenerate

every seven to ten i

think it’s seven years

so literally

every cell in your body

changes and becomes a new one

like you are you’re a new version of you

every seven to ten years that there

yes there’s they’re not the same anymore

so if that’s the case

where the fuck are your memories

because i have memories that are way more than

seven years old

you know so

where the memory stored if you have a

completely new cell i mean

are the memories like

transferred

back and forth

between the cells when the new one is born

is it born with the same memories i mean

where’s the memory

where is it stored we don’t fucking know

the other idea is that the memories are stored in the

neurons well if that’s the case because the

neurons are the only

thing that stay

the neurons are not you get

the neurons you get or the

neurons you get forever

you don’t get new ones

they don’t regenerate

every seven years

but the heart is filled with neurons

you know it’s like

one of the biggest clusters of

neurons in the body it’s like

right up there with the brain

and i think

people who have had heart

transplants

i don’t think it’s that preposterous that they

would have memories i don’t think

is that preposterous at all

i think it is

and i think that

these people that say that they’re having

dreams stuff they probably

would have had that same

exact dream

with or without it why

would you say that

brian they’re talking

about things they couldn’t possibly have

known about

people have this little have you had

dreams this little

girl gave up the

exact identity

and location of the woman who

of the man who murdered

the girl who gave her the heart

do you know that story

no but it sounded it

sounds perfect

it sounds far

fetched but it

doesn’t mean it’s not

there’s some

things that i read that

like that that it’s kind of like to me

is seeing ufos

it’s either somebody

that wants attention that’s possible that’s just

dumb and they’re

going no i had my arm

transplant and now i can i

think having all these

dreams of people i don’t know it’s that

okay that’s possible i know i know

it’s also possible

that it’s real

it’s the problem

skepticism totally

with skepticism

when it comes to something that we don’t

understand that’s the problems that you know

you run the possibility of it

excluding something because it seems irrational

but the reality is we don’t have enough information

to decide what’s rational and what’s irrational

just the idea

that you have memories at all is fucking nuts

you know the idea that

you can how

about the idea

that you can change people’s memories you know

they say that

especially like right

after something

shocking if you to

start talking to someone

and introducing new ideas to them

they’ll have they’ll

re remember the

whole situation

they’ll change the

whole way they remember

things like

have you ever thought of something was some way

and then you go back you watch the

video you like god

damn it wasn’t like that at all like i had a fucking

i don’t trust my

member that much i trust

some things

there’s some

things that

i know that are recorded in there forever for real

and no doubt about it

there’s some things

because i’ve made sure that i’ve kept that memory

like i’ve had some

pretty intense

experiences

where i made sure like i am

gonna make sure that i record this one right

but other ones are fucking

blur man you know

there’s a lot of them that are blurry

you know you look back on your high

school years like

jesus christ it’s like

slideshows and

i barely remember any of it do you remember

it’s getting

worse and worse

i’m actually pretty good with a lot of

weird memories but then

the other day i was trying to

think of somebody

and that i actually hung out with for

three years when i was a kid

and don’t remember his face at all

can’t even put like my

sister’s like

you don’t remember him we hung out all the time

like i remember him but i don’t

know have any idea what he looks

like yeah i’ve had that happen to me before for sure

that’s fucking

weird it is

weird it’s so

weird i wonder

where all that shit goes

i’ve been smoked

why is it that someone can pull it back though

like someone will say something you go yes

and then all of a

sudden boom the memory like blossoms in your mind

like what is that is it like you’re

given cpr to the memories it’s like they’re almost dead

yeah it’s like a branch of the tree was hit like

a nerve of that memory was

hit and it woke up that section of memory or whatever

yeah something

along those lines

what is that

what the fuck is that

it’s my phone

what happened

oh dude you got a spider on your face look oh shit

that’s a daddy long leg how the fuck did that get on

your house is a fear factor

oh i’m not on

i’m not on obie and anthony this week

it’s not this week they made a mistake

i’m there march twenty sixth not february twenty six

it’s the friday friday before the ufc next month i’m in

dallas this weekend i’m not in new york this weekend

so i’m gonna be at the addison improv

this weekend

friday saturday and sunday

with my man joey diaz

and brian will be there as well if we get brian drunk

might have to talk him into going on stage

brian is actually a

funny comedian he’s done stand up a couple of times

he did in atlanta he did it

what else did you

do you did a couple of

you know i was

going to try to go up on

stage before this weekend just in case if i get too

drunk and put me on stage

but i really it really hurts me to go back and

spend three hours of my life for

like five minutes in front of two people yeah

the open mic nights

it is a grind you

know people ask me questions all the time like hey i’m

thinking about

doing comedy what’s the best advice i’m like man you

gotta be willing to put your

whole life aside

you gotta be willing to

you gotta be willing to

especially if you have a job during the day

you have a job during the day man your

nighttime you now that’s your social life it’s gonna be

stand up comedy you’re

gonna be going to clubs and you’re

gonna be performing

and you have

to do it all the time if you don’t do it all the time

you’re gonna forget all your material the

whatever comfort you gain on

stage will be

eroded very

quickly you

know it’s a goddamn long ass

grind man yeah i

think if i was younger i

would totally be into it but it’s really hard to be an

adult and waste

that much time it is it is hard you know i did it i

started out doing

stand up when i was 21

that’s why i did it

right after my 21st birthday

and i was had shit

going on back then man you know i mean i was doing

things i have you know i had a life

sort of but it wasn’t like i had a family or a

mortgage or

you know no

obligations yeah i have no internet but

i had no obligations you know so it wasn’t

it’s hard when you have a

girlfriend and you have a life and you have a wife

and you have children and you have mortgage fuck man

you know when i talk to dudes that are like forty

and they’re

thinking about doing comedy i’m like you know okay dude

that’s like saying i’m

thinking about getting into

brain surgery man

the thing about

brain surgery

not saying that comedy is as hard as

brain surgery

because first of all it’s not as

it’s not as difficult to remember all the

things you need to remember with

brain surgeries but

it is just as difficult in a way because

there’s no real path i mean you

could suck as a comedian

you can’t suck as a

brain surgeon

you’re fucking

going to jail

so it’s obviously a lot more discipline

involved in

brain surgery because you have to do it correctly but

both are equally

difficult to actually

fucking do and put

anything in this life is difficult if you if you’re

gonna really do it

i mean just think

about if you

started tomorrow

and you wanted

to be a computer programmer you don’t know shit

about computers

you just you’re

starting from scratch

and you want to be a computer programmer fuck

imagine the fucking

work that’s involved in that a lot of reading though

you know it’s a lot of reading nowadays like i mean

i could pretty much

teach myself

some programming

by just looking at videos

you know how to type you know

about computers

you know a lot of shit

about computers you know a lot of shit

about code you know to a person that has no

experience whatsoever and decides

i want to take on a

new career i want to be a computer programmer i want to

code for video games

good fucking luck man

how about i

wanna create

video game engines i just i don’t know where i

wanna be the next john carmack you’re fucked man

you’re fucked

that shit will take forever anything that’s

worth doing

takes fucking forever to get good at

you know and comedy is no different comedy

music is no different

you know i often like look at people playing piano

or playing guitar or something like that

how cool would

that be to be able to just fucking jam on the guitar

but god damn that’s a lot of fucking time

i’ve tried to

learn that though

it’s a coordination

thing for me though

with that that’s something i

think you’re just born with being able to

understand be

able to coordinate each finger a certain way

well it’s also

cultivation

it’s also if you do

things like with your fingers like that

early on in life

you know it becomes much easier as you get older

they say that

the army now is

using they’re

using xbox controllers

for their drones

because these fucking kids are so

used to it yeah and they’re encouraging people to play

video games and it’s just a matter of time before they

start recruiting like the baddest

motherfuckers

in video games like yeah they probably

do yeah i mean like if you could play

like war games with like a keyboard and a mouse

like there’s

these dudes that play

quake like professionally

those motherfuckers

can move that

mouse cursor and put it on an

object like instantaneously

you know they know exactly

where that cursor is

going they play so much

that when they move that mouse

the mouse and the keyboard is way more accurate

than that joystick

thing the joystick

thing is kind of difficult

to manipulate

like the toggles and like

exactly where the

crosshair goes

but if you have a mouse

you can put a

mouse if you

understand like how quick

you know that all depends on you know

everybody likes a difference some people like high

sensitivity some people like low

sensitivity

but the bottom line is

once you get used to whatever it is you move the

mouse that the cursor goes in a certain directions

they can put it like exactly

where they want to instantly

so it’s not like

you’re in a helicopter and you see the insurgents you

gotta move the

crosshairs and get them in line we

haven’t been long we

haven’t been like no it’s bang

i mean they

could do it so fucking quick

i mean that

would be some

crazy shit if you

could have drones

and i like that guy fatality

you know fatality is yeah yeah he’s like the baddest

motherfucking

quake player ever

this dude is just

ridiculously accurate with his

mouth and a cool guy to him

very nice guy but

if you got that guy playing for your army and you had

drones with

missiles in it from that fucking guy holy shit

you know yeah that’s the future man

welcome to the new world

it’s pretty

crazy how video games have

exploded from something that used to be like

little ping pongs now people have amazing

video games on their

phones yeah

it’s incredible

man just look at what you can do with your iphone

playing all

these different racing games and shit

we what we working on the new ufc

fight game right

fuck it’s amazing man when you watch

some of the

graphics and shit like they dive for knee bars

they get triangles

they throw head kicks and

punches flying knees and shit

you see all this

crazy shit all

these different techniques they can do

just like in real fighting

and it’s like

it’s so close

to being like a

video that you like an actual ufc

fight that you can manipulate

you know the

limit is in the controller i think

what eventually is

gonna happen is you’re

gonna have a goddamn suit on

you’re gonna have a fucking suit on or you’re just

gonna have this little wire

plugged in on your forehead and you’re just

gonna think

that could happen but microsoft is very

close to developing the

whole system

where you interact with

the game what’s it called natel it comes out like i

think november or it

might have got pushed

spell it n a t a l

and it’s pretty much just like a camera

or something that sits on top of your tv and then

it reads your emotions

read your motions

yeah that’s that’s incredible because that’s

gonna be fucking cool

imagine having like a ufc game

where you could

learn how to

fight without actually fighting

my problem with that

whole thing is

i think maybe if i was a kid i

would have loved it

but when i’m playing a video game

like i don’t want to have to be doing this shit

you know well you say that you say

that i’m doing it with wii right now

nintendo wii

right yeah but wii is

whack it’s this little

thing and you’re playing

ping pong and it sort of moves the way you want it to

i did a wii car

game once and i was like this is not specific at all

it’s not rewarding yeah but something

about having to like get up

like i wanna you’re a lazy fuck no that’s

what yeah if i was a kid it

might have been better but like nowadays i

wanna play a

video game i just wanna

sit there and

smoke weed but

but that’s dependent

on the graphics what if the graphics were like 3d

fucking super dope

virtual reality type shit

and you had

a virtual gun

and you’re running down a hallway

shooting at all kinds of shit

like you have a gun in your hand and it reads this gun

come on man that

would be the shit

and the actual running that you take

place like maybe

that would be the shit if you had a fucking

warehouse like a

virtual reality

warehouse like you

enter into the door

you put on this helmet

and it’s just a flat out

laser tag yeah

but complete

3d virtual reality

you know yeah and if you get

close to the walls like a little

light goes on you are getting

close to the wall

that would be

the turn right

yeah yeah come on man

i’ve just gotten to a point

where i did this nintendo wii shit just

drives me crazy

the wii is boring man

the wii is like playing pool

but there’s no pool cue yeah you’re just going like

and there’s no feedback

you need feedback man

like i wanna

click a button

and see a gun go off you know i

wanna click the

mouse button and see the rocket you know take off

right that this whole

moving your arm through the air that’s fucking weak

yeah that’s

stupid there’s a

i forget what it was they just said the

other day that

in the future

that they’re

gonna use like google maps

and like street view google maps and you’re

gonna be playing

video games of like your

street you’re

going around into your house

you know what i mean you

should be able

to find out if someone is playing like fucking

doom on your street and

blowing up your

house right

and you’d be like

hey just want you to know they

should like send you an email

it should be like the sims

whereas like your

house is the

house in the video game

and so like if you try to

break in your

house they’re trying to

break in your

house never mind

like everyone

should have their own

house in the

video game yeah that

would be kinda cool that

would be cool

right then you

would know where everybody everyone lives

unless you killed them

you show them in a

video game that they

don’t have access to

for like 24

hours or something like that and you can run away

i’m kind of

shocked that

virtual reality kind of hit like a

the technology

never really developed the way i thought it was

going to like you know you heard

about that shit like

way back in the 80s and i thought wow like there was

movies based on that

and i was like i thought like wow

remember like

well sword dagger

i don’t remember

what movie remember

total recall they fucking

make you could

dream right yeah

that shit’s coming it’s a

total recall what was the one with the

chick with the red hair and

not totally

they’ve already been able to take images

and implant them in people’s minds

and they’ve been able to read images

from people’s minds

like read what you’re thinking

about like you can look at something and the computer

like there’s some sort of

sensors that they hook up to your brain

and then it sends the

image to a computer and

it can tell what you’re fucking looking at

like that’s nuts man

because eventually i mean this is in a very rudimentary

stages of technology

where they can only

pick out shapes and shit

but eventually they’re

gonna be able to fucking see what you’re seeing yeah

that’s it is that one yeah

check out the red hair and fifth

is that the

bruce wallace

movie yeah and they had like memories like that

movies they

plugged like memories in your head that was

how badass was chris tucker in that

movie remember

he was that

crazy alien

remember lawnmower man

that was a good movie too

there was another nutty

movie about a retard that went

crazy right

right put a computer in his brain

right something

right yeah another stephen king book

stephen king

oh no it was strange days was it

strange days was another

virtual reality something

crazy ass i

think it was strange days

that was an awesome man

strange days this guy

right here just said that i can’t wait for strange days

to become true that’s what it was it was strange was it

yeah that was the one

angela bassett

right yeah she will forever be tina

turner sorry you

gotta love do any other

movies i don’t give a fuck

you you’re tina turner um

was gonna say oh this is fucking miss

beverly hills

cheer about this

yeah another one of

these beauty pageant

chicks came out saying that

she doesn’t

believe the gay should be

married and she you know she

quoted leviticus in the old testament

saying that the

you know the

bible says that

it’s some stupid quote like

any man who lays down with a man as if

you know the same way lays down with a

woman it’s an abomination

should be put to death

so she came out and said that

gay should be put to death haha

i love it like

she’s supporting the old testament

which by the way i mean

whatever you fucking

wanna believe

about religion

that’s all well and good you know who knows if

god is real

who knows i mean

it could be that

you know the

bible is completely

ridiculous cause god wants

things confusing who knows

but it gets a certain

point when you read certain

things you gotta go all right

every people

are full of shit and there was no internet back then

it’s not like

you know there was a copy of the the the

bible on wikipedia

and people kept altering it but everybody was like

no that’s not what it says

and they went back and changed it

you know they didn’t the old testament

they didn’t even

write that fucking

thing down for

like a thousand years it was just stories

you know and the idea that

those stories

you can’t tell i can’t tell a

story to him

and he tells it to his girlfriend

his girlfriend

writes it in a blog

and it’s the same

story it’ll be fucked up for sure

i can’t tell you how many times like

someone has gone to one of my gigs

i’ve said something

and then a guy

like will quote on twitter

like i’ll do that was so

funny last night when you said this

about that i’m like damn i didn’t say that like

you’re saying

something fucked up what i said was a lot nicer

you know but when

when you realize like

that memories are so fucking

there’s no way there’s no way you

could be that accurate

over a thousand years or people talking about it

and then on top of it

the original

the old testament

bible was written in ancient hebrew

and to this day

they only know

three out of four words in ancient hebrew 25

of the words

they don’t have a clue as to what they mean

not only that

letters and numbers were the same

thing back then there were no numbers

so the letter a

was also the number one

so there was like numerical

value in words

like the word love

and the word god

they have the same numerical

value in ancient hebrew

but as soon as they

translated that to

latin and to greek

that shit was all gone that shit was all lost so

for this dumb

bitch to sit and

think that god wants people to put

put to death that they’re gay like

this is with the miss

beverly hills

this is a new one new miss

california in

california’s supposed to be so

liberal it ain’t miss texas

do you know who carrie

anne panchy

is or whatever her name is she’s from celebrity rehab

beneish she was the one that had the

threesome with the guy from grey’s anatomy

anyways on this show

celebrity rehab

she you just

wanna strangle her

and i think it’s almost with

these like pageant people

cause i know a couple of

these girls that do the pageants

and stuff like that they’re fucked up in

their head you know they’ve been doing it all

their life these little kids are grown up

remember last time not last time i went to

dallas but the time before

when there was that little girl pageant

at the hotel we

were yes you remember that yeah that was scariest

that was the

weirdest fucking thing ever

we’re hanging out the

hotel and there’s all

these little girls i mean little like six yeah

yeah six years old

with high heels

and makeup on with

their hair done

and jewelry

and dresses

and you’re like what the fuck is

going on here

that shit is an abomination

all right that is a fucking

that is a travesty

i feel like i

was doing something

wrong in the elevator

cause i was in the elevator with two of them

i looked at her and i’m like

oh my god you don’t want

to look at it

it’s like if they were

naked fingering themselves in

front of you

something’s not

right there sometimes my

daughter will play with her pussy

just i don’t know i don’t want to say this

true i mean you

would too if you had one but some the other day she was

lying there and she had her little feet up in the air

just rocking back and forth and

she just two hands

just grabs it

you know and

i don’t know

what to say like what do you say to that you go

don’t do that you can’t tell her not to do that it’s

you know you don’t want to suppress her and get her

crazy yeah we

also don’t want her to be like like in kindergarten

going hey anybody they all do it anyway dude

i got news for you they all do it

don’t you remember doing

weird shit with kids when you were little did i play

doctor me and my friend play doctor with all the girls

in our neighborhood

and i remember the only time i remember the most

we had three girls

lined up and we were like okay we’re

gonna be putting pencils in your vaginas

take off the pants

so we took off

other pants and

we just went back to each one

then we pull it out and smell it

and go to oh

dude what the

fuck but we were all like fine you could give

those girls lead poison

i know they

might be retarded now because of you

they’re off on my facebook too so hopefully they’re not

watching what

you should on

facebook you

should ask them

all questions does anybody remember anything

about pencils

so you remember me putting a pencil in your

crush but this

so this beauty pageant

thing that we saw at the hotel

it was dark

i mean it was really dark because there’s all

these weirdo

fucking religious people

with their kids

dressed like whores it made

no fucking sense

i mean no sense

cause they were they were it was on we were there on a

sunday and they were talking

about church it was all this church talking

you got your girl

dressed as a fucking prostitute

there’s a six year old

dress as a prostitute and you’re talking

about church

they had high heeled shoes on

i mean like this high

which the only reason why

shoes have heels like that is so that

women’s legs look longer

so that guys

think about them

when they’re pushing

these long legs back and fucking the shit out of you

that’s what that’s for

those that long leg

thing why do you

think what do you

think that’s there for

you sacrificing how you can walk

how about that

just so that

men want to fuck you more than we already do which is

wait wait wait wait

wait you have sex with a girl that has her

shoes on like high heels have you ever

done that no

what is up with that though that’s just porno

stuff that’s

ridiculous i mean i’m sure

somewhere in my life you

know someone’s not

taking everything off

it’s possible but

that someone

would like that but the

whole i don’t like them in the

first place i

hate them i think

they’re ugly

and it seems to me like you’re doing something stupid

right you know i don’t want to be like you’re getting

tricked but you don’t need to do it for me

like my wife always wants to wear

these high heels when she

leaves the house

like okay if you

wanna do that that’s all good

but to me it seems like you can’t walk right

i’d rather you wear tennis

shoes but women

love them man they love shoes

they love how they look they love

it’s like how dudes love cars

you know you know like you see like a sixty nine

mustang or something like that

and you go whoa

and you like pull up to it dude look at that

motherfucker you know i’m saying like there’s something

that men have like

women can go wow that’s a pretty car

but it’s not the same as how a dude looks at a car

well for girls

the shoe thing is just

they really fucking love

shoes man they like makeup and

shoes it looks like they’re

opposite sides of the body

cause they’re so ashamed of the middle

they can bleed that’s

gross don’t

look at it look at my

look at up here

my eyes are huge look at my

lashes they’re unnaturally long

yeah right it’s probably something like that my

legs are so long you’re amazing

look how long my legs are

and where do they go to

look up there look at my naughty

well the you know

that’s one thing if you’re a

woman you know if you’re a

grown woman that’s what you like and

you know what the fuck ever who gives a shit you

want to go pierce your balls go do it who gives a shit

but for little kids

that’s not that’s not cool man to have a six year old

dress like a hub

no no it’s disturbing it is disturbing

it felt very wrong

you know and

you know that

whole jambene

ramsey case man that that shit disturb

still don’t know the end

of that case yet

they don’t know we’re

gonna find out the

mother dad still

alive i believe the moms dead all died

maybe the dads dead too

it’s possible anybody know twitter verse

yeah twitter

verse says not cool and i

agree you know

high heels are just as much

an establishment as a male’s tie is both are silly

that’s true

that’s true

braun chisor

god damn these

this twitter shit goes too fast you

think raunizer

um yeah you know you’re

absolutely right i think

ties are completely

ridiculous i didn’t even

i haven’t worn

a tie in a long i did a documentary recently on dmt

and i had to wear a tie

because i played like a rod

sterling type narrator

it’s a really interesting documentary on dmt

it’ll be out

sometime in the spring

but i had to wear a tie

i had no idea how to tie this fucking thing

i had no idea

the last time i wore a tie was

my my first

album grab that

thing off the wall real

quick my first album

in nineteen ninety nine

you know just as a goof

one of things i always said that i love

about being a comedian is

that you don’t have to wear a fucking tie and so

just my first cd

for whatever reason i just thought it

would be funny

if i wore a tie

i don’t know

doesn’t make any sense

just look strange

i had to wear a tie for like 10 years

every day suck

yeah if you want to

work in business man it’s like

there’s an agreement like everyone has to know

that you are willing to wear something

completely ridiculous

because you’re following by the the very

obvious rules of behavior it’s

gonna be really easy to predict

what you’re doing

that’s what people like like i’m a gentleman

you know like as a gentleman

well i feel this i’m a gentleman

we’ve got a tie on

hello gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen

you know it’s like there’s this like

this agreement that you’re not

gonna get too crazy

it’s like my dr phil

impression you know

bottom my shoes are shining

they are very

slippery i’m not chasing

after anybody you know it’s like

there’s something to that there’s something to this

this silly outfit

that you wear that’s uncomfortable

like if people

started doing business

and they had like

rash guards on like

micro rash guards on like they’re

ready to go

jiu jitsu and

shit you know

you know like

why why would

that be bad but it is bad you know you can’t have like

board shorts and

you know saying

you know running

shoes on and you look like you like

ready to fucking pounce

on people that nobody wants that in business you can’t

when you go to business you have to be

dressed uncomfortable

your button has to be all the way up here

you know it’s fucking

ridiculous you know i hate it

i remember i

used to work at this architect firm for my stepfather

and this was when i was

big into acid and

stuff like that

so every time i

would come to work i was either

hungover still

tripping on acid

then you know or something like that

it was such a boring job that

it was acceptable because all that i had to do is make

copies of architect plans do you

think you you fucked up your

brain on acid

do you think you have fucked up your

brain on um

no no i i think i think if

when i was doing it i was

was there any

point i like you know you ever

heard howard stern talk

about his acid trip

no howard stern

talked about it on the

radio and i

guess he did like a

giant dose of acid like way too much and

he was like all fucked up for like a long time

like he was hearing

voices and it was just like a like a real

psychotic episode and

you know that’s

a really that’s the

thing about

psychedelics so you got

to make sure you don’t fuck around and do too much like

dennis mckenna had an

experience like that too

dennis mckenna

with whose terrence mckenna’s brother they’re both

famous psychonauts from

psychedelic

pioneers and

in the 70s they went to

brazil and he took

way too much mushrooms

and he lost his mind for

like two weeks like he couldn’t communicate with people

you know and the last time i did dmt

i was fucking

whacked out for like two

solid weeks

not totally

you wouldn’t

guess if you were talking to me

i was totally normal

i did shows

the shows went great

i went to work i did fear factor

that went great

you know nothing got fucked up in

my but my head was like

i felt very

you know you feel like your consciousness is like in a

foundation your consciousness

is like you know

it’s like booms

solid this is

me good morning you wake up in the morning

hi honey kiss your

girlfriend brush your

teeth this is fucking solid

when i did the dmt my consciousness was like

a little tiny raft in a fucked up

ocean it’s like

you know like nothing seemed

like i kept having

these ideas

that cars were gonna come

launching themselves over the

boundaries and hit my car

while i was driving

and i’m like why am i

thinking this

i’m like what is this about

and then i realized that what it was was

this idea of worrying

about possible disasters

was my ego’s way of regaining

ground and letting me know that it has to have

a certain amount of

real estate in reality and that

if you want to do

crazy crazy

psychedelics and go into

other dimensions communicate with entities and

and reevaluate

you know your

whole position in the

world and then

humankind’s

position with each

other that’s all

well and good but there’s some real shit in the world

that the ego has to be there

for and the ego was like sending me a message um dude

but if a fucking

car launched

itself at you better be fucking paying attention

like there was a certain amount of

of where it was such a mind blowing experience

that there was like a

wrestling match

going on in my head between my ego

and between this new information and accepting

all this new information from the

psychedelic trip

and in incorporating it into the way i look at

everyday life you know and like

you know you think

about someone who’s like a real like a shaman

you know they’re

living in the jungle and they’re all at

peace in the world

they’re not calling people douchebags on the internet

you know there’s a certain amount of enlightenment

that if you achieve it

it’s gonna make it very hard for you to function

in the regular

world and i

think that’s one of the most important

things about

psychedelic trips like there’s a lot of cripples

in the psychedelic

world and in the weed world too

there’s a lot of people that

they’re so into

these experiences

that they can’t

incorporate it into

their everyday life and they’re almost

crippled in

their everyday life because of it

and no psychedelic

experience is

worth anything unless

you can take what you’ve

learned from it

and enhance regular life enhance

your communication

with people your relationships with people

enhance the way you look at the

world enhance your career path

the kind of friends you hang around with unless

it can enhance you

the reality is

we live in this

world for eight

hours a day or 12

hours a day or however long you’re

awake this world

this shit this concrete

world is real

and you have to

manage your way through this and

psychedelic drugs make it very difficult

to do that if you want to have a regular job i

think psychedelics

the main thing with

psychedelics is it opens up a door and

in the past

i’ve been offered dmt

but i won’t do it because

like when i first did

mushrooms that opened up to a door of

things i never thought of or saw before

and it’s never

gonna go away

it didn’t damage my head but now that i know that

exists i know it’s there

and so when acid did the same thing

but there’s a

point where i have to go okay is this door does

this door need to be open is this anything positive

with this door being open

and some drugs are like that for me

cause like salvia

was the closest to the

point where i was like okay that is a

scary door that i opened up

cause that just pretty much made

everything seem fake

like it was like

this world is fake

everything’s fake

and i know that’s not true

but it opened up that door

where i’m like okay that’s almost

too much of a door i shouldn’t have opened up that door

i’m never gonna be able to

get back that

that thought of not knowing that was there i

think that’s pretty we’re pretty much saying the same

thing it’s like

it may if you can’t

bring it back and incorporate it into your

everyday life and like sometimes you open up

these doors you’re like

the fuck am i

gonna do with this

right and then your

everyday life is just

whacked out some

people like

going back to that

that road so much though and that’s

where it gets fucking

scary well you know what i

think most of

those people

their real world is not so hot right

and that’s one of the reasons why it becomes an escape

and i don’t

think it should be an escape i don’t

think you should ever escape

reality you’re here this is this is life

you know there’s

the life can be a

magical fucking intense

fantastic experience if you manage it correctly

but if you just

wanna escape all the time i’ve gotta

think that you’re probably fucking up in this life and

that’s imbalanced you know

the people that always

wanna go and it’s like

like the same

thing with like

video games like remember i told you

about this dude

there was this

dude who used to be the manager at the comedy

store that was addicted to everquest

just completely addicted 8 10 12

hours a day

lost everything lost his job lost his life

he just was so pale

you would see him he was so pale

looked like he

never saw sunlight like he

would order in food and

never leave the fucking

house for days

and he came down the comedy

storm one night

and he goes it’s so

weird i’m so good

at making money

in my online life and so bad in my real life

like he was

started to realize that like he’s

a fucking loser

in this life because

he’s excited

and puts all of his passion and energy into this

other life but that’s just really because this

other life is a new and

exciting thing

a new and artificial

thing and he can control it from

his computer

without dealing with emotions and dealing with all

the fears and anxieties that the real

world presents but

the reality is

if we live life in a computer screen

and we were offered the real world

as a video game

the real world

would be so much more fantastic

you know we just don’t

think of it

as being fantastic because we’re so goddamn used to it

you know if we

lived life in a computer

in a computer

monitor and that’s how you were when you were born

and then one day someone

said you know hey we’ve developed this new game that

allows you to go outside

and you go outside and you actually get laid

and you can go and have a real drink

and you feel it you do a real shot of jack tanners

you go holy shit this is real i can’t believe it

know you go get laid for real

and you drive a car for real

you’d be like dude the real

world is the fucking shit

you would never want to play

video games

the reason why we want to play

video games is because

it’s a world that we can control

completely independent from all

the pros and cons of this

solid world

completely independent

of the emotions and the insecurities

and all the shit that we all

experience but

we don’t like

but the reason why we

experience insecurities and anxiety and anger

these are all like little chemical signals

to guide you

towards a proper life

like what i

found in life

most importantly more than anything is the one

the way that i’m the most happiest

is if i’m putting out positive energy

i’m putting out positive energy to people to friends

positive energy on

stage positive energy with my writing my work

with anything

i’m doing it’s all friendly and positive and

happy and if you do that

you can have a fucking

fantastic life the problem is it’s just difficult to do

it’s hard to keep your shit together it’s hard

not to lose your temper it’s hard

not to you know be obsessed with something and

get sidetracked

and that’s like gambling addictions and masturbation

addictions and all that shit that’s that’s all

about that’s like you’re trying to distract yourselves

from from all the pain of being a

human you know

i mean i think

fucking hunter

s thompson had a

quote like that like

man making himself a beast

to get away

from the pain of being a man i forgot exactly what the

quote was but

something along

those lines

like we distract the shit of ourselves because

the game of life is fucking hard to do man

just like a

video game is hard to do

you remember

back when i used to play

quake like all the time i played

quake like hours and

hours a day

and you and i played

quake online

we played against each other

and you can tell

the difference between someone is playing all the time

because you get really good at it

you know you know

where those buckets are

gonna go and i was

sticking rail guns up your ass and electric yeah

i think you won

120 games and i won one

yeah maybe not totally not fair

and believe me there’s dudes online that

would do that to me just rape me

why because they had put so much time in this fucking

crazy game they

would get good at it but

since you hadn’t put time

how frustrating was it

so fuck zero

so you didn’t want to play

right you want to shut it off

that’s exactly the same as life

if you get good at life the game

then it’s fun as fuck

it’s awesome

you know if you’re leonardo dicaprio

life must be the shit

you know i’m saying

he starred in movies

driving a ferrari

banging supermodels what

he’s got a gigantic fucking mansion i mean

he’s a boob

it must be so fun for him

but not everybody

could be leonardo dicaprio

so if you’re the fucking garbage man who’s you know

came home and his wife is fucking the the newspaper guy

you know that’s that’s not a fun life that’s a that’s

that’s just like

a guy who’s not good at

quake getting murdered

in a game it’s not fun man

it’s like playing pool

if you’re good

like i play pool i love pool i get obsessed with it

but i have a friend my friend max eberly

he’s a professional

and he’s a top professional

i mean he’s capable

of winning when he’s in

stroke capable of winning any tournament in the

world i mean he’s really fucking good

and when i play

against him

sometimes it’s so frustrating and i play pretty good

like for a regular person i play good

but for like a pro

not even fucking

close so when

i play max it’s just getting my ass handed to me

it’s just getting fucked

the only time

it’s fun is when we play on a really really tight

table so occasionally he misses

and then i’m like oh i get to shoot

you know so

he’s much better at that game

you should give him a handicap

or some sort of thing

no we just we

don’t play for anything and it’s good for me

good for me because

you get used to playing

against a guy like that it’s not as fun as playing

against a guy who’s like your speed

but it’s really

good for your game because it makes sure that you

capitalize on

every mistake

sometimes you’ll play

a guy who’s not as good as you and you’re like i don’t

worry about this

because if i miss this guy’s

gonna miss and i’ll have another shot

but with max

every time you miss you like fuck i better

you know i better sit down for a while

anyway i believe that

the hunter s

quote is actually from

samuel johnson and english author

thank you very much sir i thought it was a hundred

times a quote

thank you cj

mik l hinny

mik l hinny

it’s how what

about words with names like schwarzenegger

how the fuck did that ever

get through

like what what culture

ran out of sounds

people that

like string

together something nutty like that people that like to

write in cursive

is that anything this is

gonna be the best cursive writing i’ve ever seen

right right

right like manuscripts they used to

write it on

page they didn’t

have lines in the

paper they just had paper

right and they

would write it exactly

have you ever

heard of the voying

manuscript the

voignet manuscript i don’t know if i’m saying it

right is this

ancient manuscript that was found

hundreds of years old

and they have no fucking

idea what it says they don’t know the language oh they

don’t know anything

about it they don’t know if it’s

just nonsense if some guy was just practicing scribble

but it’s like really long

and there’s consistency and how it’s written but

they can’t decode it

they’ve had

top encryption

experts and

it’s very divided like some people believe it’s a hoax

and some people

believe that it’s some fucking lost language

and some people

think that it’s

glossal alia

like when someone talks in tongues

and that they just went

into a fucking

trance and just some retard with a pen

because that’s got really good writing

it’s got diagrams in it and really good really good

illustrations rather

and diagrams in it it’s like

yeah it’s really complicated

you know and

they found that

that temple and

turkey that is a

seven thousand years

older than the pyramids

very complex

stone temple

carved out of

stone and shit

and now they have to like rewrite like

human history

because like

seven thousand years before

egypt is nine thousand ten thousand bc

and ten thousand bc they were already

like had temples and were worshipping shit and like

that throws a

monkey ranch

clank into the

whole gears

of this the idea of

cultural evolution

you know and there’s been this guy

john anthony west

john anthony west looked that up on google

because this guy is fascinating he’s got an awesome

dvd series called

magical egypt

and this guy is obsessed with egypt he

spent his entire life

studying egypt

and he believes that the

egyptian culture goes back

way way way before the established timelines

the established timelines for

egyptian cultures like 2

500 bc that’s when they

think like the pyramids were built

and that the

culture goes back a little bit before that but not much

and he thinks it goes back like 35 000 years

he thinks that

people have been around way way longer

and that there was some big

break somewhere

along the line like probably

some sort of a natural cataclysmic disaster

like a meteor impact or something like that

you know and it

could be you know 10

000 15 000 years ago like they don’t know when it was

but they think that there was like an advanced culture

and then boom it got fucked up and then

culture rebuilds and society rebuilds

and then what’s left is like they’re living in this

shit that was made thousands and thousands of years ago

and they tried

to imitate it and recreate it and they can’t

and he believes that that’s what it is like

these fucked up pyramids that they have in egypt

it’s not that

these pyramids were like the

first pyramids

he thinks much much more likely

these pyramids were probably like people were

like trying to duplicate

other shit duplicate shit that was already there

you know they believe that that’s

actually that’s

not his theory that’s someone else’s theory

his theory is

one of the things is

about the sphinx

they brought in geologists

and the geologists have like documented the

erosion on the sphinx

and they say that it’s

water erosion

like thousands

of years of rainfall have cut deep fissures

in the whole

enclosure with the sphinxes

and the problem

with that is the last time there was rainfall

in the nile valley was like

seven thousand nine thousand bc

so that would mean that the

this the pyramids

and over the

space around it

would have to be like

seven thousand years

older than the established timeline

and so course

none of the

the egyptologists like the guys have been

teaching forever

that the pyramids and the

sphinx and all that was built

about 2500 bc

they never want they don’t want to accept it

they go well

where’s the evidence for this

culture like it’s

right there man there’s fucking

rainfall for

thousands of years have created this and geologists are

universal about that

there’s no one

who’s disputing that geologists are all saying he’s got

this guy ron

shock who’s a

professor at boston

university has

got over a hundred

professional

professors geologists

to sign off

on the fact that this is undoubtedly

water erosion

which completely changes the timeline

for when the

sphinx was built

there’s a bunch of that shit

going on in

egypt they believe that it’s like

probably you know

maybe even 30 000 years old there’s

a mass extinction took place

on the earth

somewhere around 10 000 years ago

and that’s when the

woolly mammoths died

instantaneously

that’s when the

saber tooth

tigers died noah’s ark

no that’s before them

but the the

like 10 000 years ago

north america

like half of

north america was

under a mile high

sheet of ice

like there was an ice

age going on

and something killed it and

ended it like instantaneously

and they don’t know what it was

and it’s very very

likely that it was a fucking natural disaster it’s very

likely that it was a fucking meteor impact that some

well whatever that guy’s arm

distracting the shit out of me son don’t look at me

well don’t fucking have a monitor open in

front of me

dude surfing he’s not even pay attention

we do one week podcast

this dude is so addicted

to the internet he can’t even talk for one week i’ve

heard you talked before

you’ve heard me

talk well this is online dude there’s 675 people that

have not heard this

story don’t look at me

shut up faggot

anyway i think people have been around way longer

i think it’s much more likely that it’s just

ridiculous that people

still don’t believe in

and how long this

world’s been around you know what i mean

oh like people believe that

earth’s 10 000

years old it just drives me

crazy well you know that’s a not

monster number more than 50

of america according to a gallup poll

which is not the same because

here’s the thing about polls

you can’t say like according to a recent poll

50 of americans believe this because no

no according to your recent poll

50 of americans

who are fucking retarded enough to answer your poll

believe in that

that’s the reality of

polls are never representative of anybody intelligent

because you can’t get me to answer a fucking poll

you can’t get you you got shit to do don’t you have a

hobby you hear

if someone calls you may i have five minutes your time

no that’s for old

ladies who have no friends that’s what that is right

well look at this glitter or

i’m fucking

super baked i just don’t

wanna hang out with the person

i’m like um

okay five minutes okay

you know i’m trying to be nice

but the reality is poles poles represent retards

you know you’re fucking

you’re a dollar you’re answering poles god damn it

the only time i do a poll is if

i think i’m

gonna win something if i answer

20 of americans can’t find the united

states on a

globe is that true

joe beef don’t be

lying joe beef is

lying joe beef

would you make that shit up

solar flares

up in two thousand

twelve bro we’re

crossing the galactic equator then

you know what you know

there’s a guy

which is a richard

tyson is that his name is

what is that guy’s name

the astronomer

really neil

tyson neil tyson

very very intelligent

guy and i really like listen to him talk

and one of the

things he said

about this whole

crossing the aquatic

whatever the

what is it what is that the exact

the way this guy

galactic equator

i think that’s what this guy said

yeah like we’re

crossing through the center of the galaxy like we were

everything’s in line

on december 21st

2012 you know what he says

he says that happens all the time

it says he says that

like that like line up with the center of the galaxy

that doesn’t

doesn’t happen then because it happens all the time

and nothing happens so

who knows if he’s

right or if he’s one of

those guys it’s like

super skeptical

but i think what’s much more likely is

gonna happen in

2012 is something technological

something technological some

crazy invention

you know like

i don’t think it

could be anything

it could be that too it

could be that

2012 what really happens is

nothing happens

and then people realize oh

we have to actually manage this life we can’t just rely

on fucking aliens landing

i was more scared

about 2 000 just because that makes

sense like all the computers

planes dropping from the sky

i was scared too i didn’t

i didn’t do a gig

in 2000 i stayed home

yeah i thought for

sure there was at

least gonna be something small

when two thousand isn’t it

crazy that’s ten years ago now

time is just

fucking flying by man it’s

crazy fast it’s weird

it almost feels like it’s

quicker every year

and everybody says that but

what if time really is quicker

what if like

clocks are moving

quicker too we just can’t really establish

it because that

wouldn’t make

sense cause what

about digital

clocks well no

they all exist in this

dimension maybe this dimension is moving quicker

units of timer

know almost

i think we’re forgetting more

so it feels like we’re forgetting more

of the day because we have more information yeah yeah

maybe right

mm hmm i’ll take

five potatoes

thoughts on the zeitgeist movement

you know what i think

about zeitgeist and all that stuff

there’s a lot of zeitgeist that’s poorly researched

like this stuff that he said about mithra

and different different

gods and stuff that

that are just like

jesus love that is

really poorly researched and incorrect and been proven

wrong there’s a website that says

i think it’s

it’s common

debunking zeitgeist

or something like that i forget what the

what the website is titled but

i mean the guy just

breaks down all the

errors that the dude who made the

movie made and it’s just you know he’s quoting

references and showing very

clearly that the

zeitgeist guys made some big problem big big fuck ups

and i think his

whole though

how sure he is this

september 11th was was

designed and

that you know the

and perpetrated by the us government and that

tower one and

tower two fell

because they

were detonated like you’re sure of that you know

look no one’s

sure that that’s

crazy you can’t say free sport

all this talk of free fall

speed and the

towers fell at free fall speed

yeah they fell pretty

fucking fast but that’s what happens when shit falls

apart it falls

apart pretty fucking fast

especially shit that’s

super heavy

and gigantic

and all that weight is on and it’s all just collapsing

who the fuck knows what happens

when you build a

building that way and you fly a fucking

giant plane filled with jet fuel into it

the only way to really know

mean you can have theories

but the only way to really know is to

build another building

and fly another

jet into it exactly the same way and see what happens

and if it falls down exactly like that one

then the argument’s pretty much over and if it

doesn’t then

you have to go well okay well what was inside the

building did it all burn the same

was it exactly constructed the same

you know and you

gotta try it

again i mean

you have to fucking have more than two

buildings to go on

and everybody’s like

buildings have

never fallen before

look the government does some

nasty evil shit that is

absolutely a fact

but you don’t

know you don’t know what happened there and to say

that you know is just as bad as people who

blindly trust in the us government the thing

that i have a big question

about when it comes to september 11th

is tower seven

and if you watch

video online this

video of tower

seven falling

and it falls just like a controlled demolition

i mean it just goes straight down whoosh

all at once and it’s really

crazy to watch man

you know because like

it implodes from the basement down and every

level falls apart

including like jets of energy like

spraying out of windows like there’s blasts

i mean maybe that

could be because it’s collapsing

i mean that’s a whole

floor of air being

straight through

the window but the problem is it all falls the

exact same time and that

building wasn’t even hit by a plane

it was on fire

and it had a hole in it from like

debris and stuff

and i could see it falling down

but there was a hole in one corner

and the hole

if it’s a hole there and the

building’s gonna collapse

wouldn’t it collapse towards the hole

i mean doesn’t that make

sense maybe

it also makes

sense the whole

standing on a pop can

thing where if you

stand on a pop can and you

knock a little bit off the side

you’re not falling over you’re

going straight down because of the weight

you know meaning

it’s so heavy

even if there’s a hole on it

it doesn’t matter it’s just

going straight down

hmm that’s maybe maybe

i i think with all that shit

i’m like yeah i’m glad there’s people that freak out

about and care

about it cause without them

you know the government’s

gonna get away with a

bunch of shit

but in my opinion you know i don’t

care if the government did it fuck they did it you know

i’m still waking up eating my cereal

yeah but that is one

thing you have to consider i mean

it’s like you you mean how is this

gonna help you

how’s this gonna help you in your life

i know if you get obsessed with this yeah it’s too much

here’s the bottom line people that

think the government

wouldn’t kill people

and nobody died in

tower 7 supposedly

but the thing is

so hard to believe

people think the government

would not kill people

this is all you need to know

for sure they

start wars then don’t need to be

started that’s 100

fact for sure

the gulf of

tonkin incident that got us into the vietnam war

that was a fake

fucking attack on americans they faked it

and they faked it made this big deal

about it so that everybody

would get fired up and realize we have to go to vietnam

that’s fact this is history

you know and the fact that they wrote up a

thing called operation

northwoods the

northwoods document and the

northwoods document was

they were planning attacks

on americans

and they were

gonna this is in 1962

and they were

going this is signed by the joint chiefs of

staff by the way

and vetoed by kennedy

they were gonna attack

guantanamo bay they were

gonna lob grenades into

mortars into guantanamo bay and possibly kill

american soldiers

they were gonna blow up a jet liner

and blame it on the cubans

and they were

gonna tell americans

we have to go to war with cuba well people are

gonna fucking die in that war for sure

and people are

gonna die in

a war that americans didn’t want and so they decided

to do what’s called a

false flag and make attacks on americans

and blame it on the cubans

and that’s a fact

they’re willing to kill people

and only 3 000 people died in september

11th for sure that’s a lot of people i’m not making

light of it but

in comparison to how many people have died

in iraq during the fucking war

they’re talking

about like a million

civilians have died in iraq

since the invasion a million

i mean that’s fucking

crazy look at

haiti i mean

millions of people died from that

earthquake in haiti but

we didn’t have it hd video

fucking you know seeing it

yeah but we’re not responsible for that

no mean well i know i know i know but i

think the reason

why is that they’re willing to kill people

right right i

think the reason why we’re

focused on it

though is just because of that that we all

watched it live

where if you know

if we saw these people in a racket shot live on

tv would probably

be just as big as nine eleven you know

well i don’t know about that

you know i think

i think well

i think the idea was that

it was an attack on american soil i mean that’s really

why it was such a big deal

i mean i remember how everybody got so patriotic

after theirs

do you remember

after september 11th

how everybody had fucking american flags in their car

remember that

weird feeling you were

in ohio back then right

did they have them in ohio

oh yeah it was crazy bad

i left i went to work one day

i don’t even

think i was doing fear factor at the time i

might have been

but i was driving

down down the

street near my house

and every fucking car had a american flag on it was

crazy yeah and i was like this is just

weird this is a

weird feeling it’s like

like people are bowling up

like everybody just just go to fucking war

you know realize like how war like this fucking

culture really is and how

sheep like and

how people are just immediately willing to fight

you know and fight who

the people who did it are dead

like it was a suicide attack

so the people that were responsible for the

deaths of those people are all dead i mean

unless you’re one of

those crazy

motherfuckers that

doesn’t believe that it was a real plane

and then there’s

people that believe that you know they were

piloted by remote control and the

planes were empty and

who the fuck

shit happened almost

what is this

10 years 10 years

and we’re still talking

about it oh my god

it’s so frustrating

talking to the people who

claim to know

that’s when it’s really frustrating

man it wasn’t a

plane it hit the pentagon it was a missile

where is all the people that died in the fucking

plane crash then what they just they took them and

why would they say it’s a

plane why would they

shoot a missile and say it’s a plane

why were there all the

plane parts on the lawn

i mean come on man we talked

about this before it’s all

this yeah the

plane yeah i

think we’d actually last week or two weeks ago

what’s fear factor real nothing is real

depends on how much acid you take joe rogan hates

bruce springsteen

that is so not true it’s not

true you just trying to get attention

motherfucker no i don’t hate

bruce springsteen

born to run that’s a

great fucking song

brilliant disguise that’s a

great fucking song

never got it

dude i don’t love all

bruce springsteen i’m not gonna sit through a fucking

three hour concert of anybody’s yeah

it would have to be like

richard pryor would have to come back from the dead

for i do three i might sit through three hours of

no i wouldn’t i’d get bored

don’t have three hours of good songs

but but i love some some of bruce springsteen songs

no some of them are the fucking shit you know

no one is gonna like i bought an old

rolling stone album the

other day because it had

one song on it that i really liked i forget what it was

but the rest of the

album was dog shit

and that’s the rolling

stones you think

about how many

great songs they have

they have a lot of fucking albums

if you go back into some of

those older

albums and listen to some of

those songs that you don’t know

shit you know no

nobody puts out something that everybody loves

you know and if i like

i mean it’s very rare that i like a whole

album from a band

have you ever been to a real orgy like

with more than 10 people having sex in the same room

like you walked in and you’re like what the fuck is

going on here orgy

yeah like a real one no

not a real orgy

of you no i just

it just it seems like we

were in tampa

remember we were in tampa florida

someone that was trying to get us to go to a sex club

or is it a guy that had a

swingers club

that happened

again with me and ari in

i think it was nashville

me and already were in nashville

we had a saint this driver

who drove us to the ufc

drove us to the comedy club

the same driver all week

and then finally

he’s dropping us off at the airport

and he’s like as he’s

dropping us off

like well if you guys

are back in

town no i have fucking

swingers club that i belong to and

me and my i go what

and it was i go

swingers like who yeah me and my wife were

swingers your swingers

so you let dudes fuck your wife

is like well you know she lets me and i have to let her

what what we get to choose though we have

veto power that’s what i said

we got veto power

like i go so some dude

you feel like you can’t follow him oh yeah no no no no

no big young studs like he’s get to choose

he wants like

old bald fucking

you know vacuum salesman bang his wife

she was his

wife’s mouth

like so bad

i’m like do

watch goes on i want to

watch you know what i

watch you don’t want to

watch your your wife is getting fucking

stuffed in another room

how crazy is that bitch

you know how

crazy is she

you know whenever i hear

about chicks that

wanna fuck like a

bunch of different dudes at the same time like that is

there’s something i mean

look we’re all

wired differently

and you know i like hot sauce

you like hot sauce

you like spicy food

i like fucking really

spicy food like

i fuck myself up i put like dave’s insanity

sauce on on burritos

and i’m sweating

poor sweat is pouring on my face

my tongue is on fire

now to most people they

wouldn’t like that but i like that for some

weird reason

maybe some girls just like bits and

everywhere you know

maybe they like it

maybe it’s just like they’re just

going crazy

maybe it’s not but maybe

maybe they’re broken

you know yeah

it depends on the person

some of them are for sure fucked up

there was this girl on the howard

stern show today that

got fucked so hard

in the ass that it tore a hole in her intestines oh

no and she sewed it back up

and then she was

talking about how she’s just the

other day had two dicks in her ass

i’m like wouldn’t you once your intestines

rip open oh my god

who is this girl

she’s in the new jersey

shore porn jersey

whore or something like that

somebody knows

you guys know she’s on

an hour and

a day knows there’s a

bunch of you fucking

perverts god damn it you people know who it is

get her name

teresa or something like that or

whoever was listening to the

stern show today

and heard that

yeah mr hands that

sounds just like mr hands

but that that a regular dick doing that to you is

that’s even more

impressive the

horse dick you

look at it and you go how does it not kill you yeah

the most amazing thing

about that mr hands

thing if you don’t know mr hands is

it’s a guy who got fucked to

death by a horse

and there’s a

video of it online you can

watch the guy getting fucked by the

horse but the amazing

thing is here

tom they did it

taryn thomas beautiful

thank you very much

mighty hubris you fucking

pervert but

um the amazing

thing about the

horse fucking

video is that

apparently this guy got fucked by a horse a

bunch of times and nothing happened like he was okay

how’s that even happen mr hands is your 9 11

because you talk

about that shit

every day you know

is there a point

where you’re like man i do talk

about fucking

horse fuck no

a lot more than i no

no because it’s a bit of my

acne i know

but now it’s like

part of my job you remember the

shit the ba

face i used to go behind you and always make the

faces all the time

well i found myself doing it on normal faces so like it

would be my mom be like hey mom let’s take a

photo and they’re

like doing this all the time now

i have to stop so that’s why i stopped in the buffets

it was like something

that was like

in my head if you don’t know what the buffets

is and this is a

thing that went on for

literally like five years

every time i took a

picture with someone like

you know someone came to a show and they want to take a

picture with me

every time brian was behind them like this

and there’s

we have to organize them and put them online

it’s on myspace a lot of them are but yet there’s so

many of them

there’s more

we’re talking

about no bullshit five years

worth of shows

thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of

pictures all with

brian behind it making

crazy fucking faces

i have a picture of me and

david li roth and you’re behind it yeah

fucked up i

think the last

one i did or the one that made me realize i

need to stop doing it was the one i did to brock lesnar

and i was so drunk

and the next

day i’m like

i did not do it with brock

lesnar how about

the one you

did with dane cook man oh yeah and i did think

that’s funny

but no the brock lesnar one like i was like

i need to stop he could easily kick my ass

right then and oh my god i don’t have that

picture you gotta send that

to me i’m gonna put this up holy shit that’s awesome

i’m gonna do it right now because wow i

never seen that photo before yeah i’ll put that shit up

put it on flicker okay

do whatever but i can’t believe i bought face

david lee rock yeah

dude i can’t wait to

know i shouldn’t say this

but i can’t wait to one day where david lee rock won’t

be around maybe what

so we can release that video

or you won’t be a we have this

video of us all hanging out with david lee rock

talk about no no i don’t mean

i don’t mean i mean like he doesn’t

care to say about it right now because

he told us not to talk about it oh

i mean he doesn’t want that

video coming out so the last thing we should do is talk

about what’s on that video

no no i just say we all sat around talked

yeah but wait but

bullshit man you were saying you can’t wait till he

dies you can release no no no no just so we can

like no show it to me because it was so awesome

it was awesome there right yes

it was it was just cool talking to him

right it was basically just david lee

roth talking about

crazy road stories

and there was nothing scandalous no it was just

mean it’s fucking david lee

roth you know

it’s just weird hanging out

with somebody that you grew up as a kid listening to by

his albums at gold circle and

yeah it’s amazing hanging out with david lee

roth was a shit alright hold on

i’m gonna choose the photo

i’m gonna put that shit online so you guys

but this picture

of brian going nutty

behind david lee

roth is just

indicative of one of fucking

you probably have

you some of you guys probably have

photos of me in the

background you didn’t even know

people would get so mad

yeah people must

show face with me before

just get so mad

they go yo joe

bro what’s this

fucking asshole doing behind you and i’m like

no no he’s my friend he’s actually get paid to do that

the guy is tempe

remember he came back twice

yeah he was so pissed off or mad

well there’s

weird people that like

there’s weird people that fucking like take

pictures that they take with you and like put them like

in their living room

frame frame

i went to this guy’s

house once we do this fear factor thing

please don’t tell me that firefox is fucking

crashing again

you dirty cunt

oh my god you fucking

piece of shit we

still on i don’t know

come on

dude come on i don’t know

oh my god you fucking piece of shit

god damn it dude we’re

gonna lose this fucking recording too

i don’t think we’re dude what are we doing

go to the show what are you doing

we froze huh yeah

we’re back it was a mess ladies and gentlemen

we we tried to

to come back online i was trying to put up

an image of me and david lee roth

and what the fuck ever firefox crashed on me

but i was trying to show you the the ba face

we’re all back right everything’s good

i’m gonna try to unload it through here

flickr also has a nice

desktop loader you should download sometime oh

you just drag it to it oh really yeah

okay i’ll get that shit she

put the picture up right now i think today

is the last day of firefox firefox can suck it

they’ve got it’s gotten bad lately and

i’ve noticed chrome’s been really good yeah i’ve been

crashing a fucking lot with firefox

like a lot yeah i’d stop using it

yeah okay we’re back ladies and gentlemen

i apologize

apologize and it’s saved though so if you

are just coming in now they

the first hour and a half is already safe oh it’s

annoying right it’s better if i have a white

thing on my screen because it acts as a light look

oh look there’s a light on but it’s not a light

it’s just a little window i open hmm i’m so clever

make it so i can read your shit though

you know you were back

if you got a life behind a monitor it actually

eases your eyes and puts less

strain on your eyes i see you dr phil dr oz

dr oz a real doctor

right dr phil yeah

firefox does blow

you’re right we’re using safari right now

and all you fucking

silly cunts

that especially all these

fucking mac guys get a pc

that mac garbage

oh it’s the same guy over and over again and nicole

fan 2009 you are dumb

okay you’re dumb you’re a dumb person this whole

mac versus pc thing

what do you give a fuck

and you’re telling

me that pcs are somehow another better than macs

guess what douchebag

pcs get viruses

max don’t it’s that

with you viruses

they’ve written

viruses you

bring me one dude who’s ever had a

virus on his fucking

mac one i know everyone i know who’s had a pc except

voodoo chicken he

claims to have

never gotten a

virus that’s a lie i

think that’s a lie

everybody gets

viruses on pcs just that

alone it’s better to get a mac

second of all

max don’t fucking

crash nearly as much

this wasn’t a mac problem is a firefox problem

everything else on the computer work fine

that’s why i was able to reboot faggot

listen stop

worrying about mac

versus pc it’s just a goddamn operating system

it’s like the republicans

versus the democrats

most of the people on one side of the

other are just on a fucking team and

their simple little brains are

stuck on that team

they might not even

agree with half the shit the republican say

but they support them

and even say well we

gotta support our team you know i don’t

agree what they’re doing right now

but what’s important is we support them

and we know push forward and we get up

republican in office in 2012

they’re just

washing redskins

versus the fucking

miami dolphins that’s all that shit is it’s teams

just like boston

versus philly

philly sucks boston rules

that’s the same moronic bullshit all

right there there

is no fucking philly there is no boston it’s nonsense

you’re a dummy

shut the fuck up all right

how dare you

where was i

anyway did you upload that

photo of course i did

it’s not on there

how dare you

oh i swear to god i

press that thing

they also thing with the thing how

quick it is though

so beautiful

they just told me that they’re upgrading my

download speed to

like 30 megs next

my jesus like thanks

i don’t even have

twenty i have like

i think sixteen

or eighteen eighteen it said

last time it said eighteen

i got the picture of

david lee roth

to do do do

cool motherfucker

that’s hilarious

this is what caused all the fucking

trouble ladies and gentlemen

a goddamn picture of me and david lee

roth but it was just to prove that

brian has been making this

crazy buffets for

years because this picture of david lee

roth was like was like from 2005

it’s like three or four

years ago before we got banned from the comedy or that

store thing yeah because it was at the comic

store right

so that’s 2006 maybe

it was right before he got together with

back together with fan handling before they announced

that they were

going to get back together he was telling us

about it yeah

all right i just put it on my little twitter

and then you see brian in the

background making that crazy face he did that

no bullshit fucking hundreds of thousands of times

that was a long odyssey just to get one picture but

it really wasn’t worth it

epic fail indeed indeed

always talking

about that and no key fan

that fella try out chat roulette

you know what i would think

about doing

that but i don’t want to see any dudes cocks

randomly i i did it i

tried it out i put

i found this

somebody already did this before but i

found this big

black chick

and i put her on loop and then

did it just this and recorded the

screen and stuff

but it was like

maybe 90 percent cox

and i was like yeah it’s not even

funny i don’t i mean

it’s really sad

that there’s so many creepy people out there that

come on well you know what it’s dudes that want to show

their dicks at work and they just

never get the opportunity

but they get it home

and they’re wearing a fucking

wrestling mask and they go

crazy and pull it

and this just suppression man it’s like catholic

school girls

remember catholic

school girls when you were a kid

they were always the biggest sluts

right yeah yeah why

because they

never seen dick

they’re whisked away to some fucking

magical place

where only girls exist

they have all girl

teachers and shit and they’re told that dicks are evil

and they just can’t wait to suck one

they can’t wait

those bitches

can’t wait they can’t wait to get up different

i just want to do the forbidden thing

you know i can’t suppress

human beings man

i like to do it with

maybe like a

five year old girl on loop just sitting there

going like this you know

like that and see if any of

these guys with the

dicks if they like put it away or if they sit no

they would fucking love it man you think

what we can record

them and put them on youtube

hmm that’s not a bad idea

if we get a fake loop of just

a little kid just sitting there

going like like she’s looking at the monitor

and see if the guy like immediately

disconnects or if he sits there

an extra couple

seconds hmm

so they well how does it work do they pull

their dicks out immediately

soon as the log yeah what it is is

right it just automatically put

you in with a room with another person both on webcam

and did they have

their dick out

instantly when i was

doing it when i was doing it was just

guy stroking it so

right when he went in there you’re like

okay so that’s what you should do

you should we

should get a

video of like a five or six year old girl

just freaking the fuck out from the beginning

right so it

only work in the guys that were to beaten off

right because

otherwise we’d have to time it like you know how

tired like normal you know and

going oh my god yeah yeah

yeah and have her

scream call the police

call the police we didn’t have to did we just had to

cook on you know that kind of a

better better call

it’s freak this

motherfucker out you know

yeah because they can

catch you the freaky

weird dudes are mostly straight

gay get sex all the time we are less repressed

yeah right shut the fuck up

let me tell you something everyone’s fucked

up don’t you tell me that gays are less repressed

course you more repress society represses gay sex

gays are just as fucked up

as religion

repressing straight

sex and a lot of gays grew up in religious

households too

and that makes them

extra fucked up

it’s not like a coincidence that gay people

do so much crystal math and there’s so many gay people

that love to party and

their lives become a reckoning

fucking towards

their immune system

gay people there’s a lot of

crazy fucking gay people and

not repressed

doesn’t always mean that you’re not fucked up

i mean how about bug chasers how

about gay dudes that are purposely trying to get aids

you know that you

gay dudes who

purposely try to get hiv they want to get it

they think there’s something hot

about it and

so they go and have unprotected sex on purpose

hoping to get hiv

that’s fucked up

you know you can’t say that

gay people are less fucked up

sexually than straight people everyone’s fucked humans

across the board

universally

are fucked up it’s just way too difficult to come out

and have your shit together

i mean how many people like really have a shit together

if you had a

guess the numbers

one really has

no but i mean

have your shit together to a

point where you know like oh he’s not doing anything

self destructive

he’s being productive and positive it’s like

maybe one out of a hundred man

maybe out of the people that you meet

one out of a hundred the other ninety nine are nuts

you know half nuts

partially nuts you’re nuts i’m nuts we’re both nuts

you know i mean how many i mean

even the dalai lama is fucking nuts

you know the dalai lama said

he called he said that oral and anal sex were

were forget

forget the exact word turns he used sexual

deviations or something like that

but he was saying

well i forget the term that the dalai lama use but

basically was saying

that oral sex is

is really bad it’s terrible for you you

shouldn’t do it

like you shouldn’t eat pussy

the girls love it it feels good

and i like doing it right

you like doing yeah we’ve talked about that

there’s actually

science now saying that it can

cause cancer

in the person that’s

eating out the girl now or something like that what

are you fucking remember we talked

about this once we talked

science no we

never talked

about eating

pussy yeah we made a

video we made a

video about it

where i talked

about eating

pussy and we were talking

about it in that

video yeah but we didn’t say eating

pussy gives you

yeah it’s something that came out they’re talking

about how you like to

lock out of it like a slug i know that’s how we

start remember that

i don’t remember eating

pussy gives you cancer dude i

think you might have just made that up no oral

sex please twitterverse tell me

sweet jesus

please please please tell me

that you don’t

get there was some kind of

study that i’m eating

pussy oral sex increases

throat cancer

wrist serial

sign to say

no that’s for girls because dudes who have fucking dick

ward shove their dick into the girls mouth

and the girls

mouth gets infected

like if you have the

human papilloma

that goes both ways um

girls and guys can both get the hpv

virus from eating pussy

yeah that’s you’ve seen what

works for chicks because you’re mixing up with

fucking blood in there

you know you

might get a

clot back there in the corner that gets inside an open

sword and mouth ever

does sort of make

sense you know

earl sex can

cause throat cancer

march 9th 2007

man kind of sucks though because that’s my favorite

thing to do so i moved on to the it’s just

fuck son what’s wrong with you boy

what time we got here

four forty three but we were down for ten minutes so

who’s this one dummy to keep saying

have i ever shit my pants

you know there’s something wrong with you as a

human being if you keep answer asking the same

stupid fucking question

over and over and over again like the same

that’s what’s interesting with you

that’s what’s interesting to you

mm hmm

all right let’s go to

we’re gonna go to forums dot joe rogan net and see

what the questions are we put up a thread

like we do every week where

um

people ask questions and shit and

dallas this weekend addison improv

three nights almost sold out

bitches so friday it

is almost sold out late show saturday

night is sold out the

there’s only

40 or 50 tickets

left for both shows friday and saturday

or both shows on friday

and the first show on saturday so it’s selling out

quick so if you want to come

to dallas by the time we get on the radio

when we get on the

radio it’s gonna sound

quick we’re

gonna do lex and

terry and a couple

other radio stations so that’s

you know if you wanna

jump on it you

gotta jump on it now

when are you

gonna get your tattoo

the new one yeah it’s

gonna start in

april i’m getting another

sleeve but you i just thought of what i want to get

covered up on mine

yeah we give a cat on top of that because that what cat

your crazy explosion cat

what the the japanese

that you know that cat well i’m

gonna go i’m

gonna go and get this

lasered off

you are yeah

lasered yeah this

one the old one i have up here because i’m doing the

whole sleeve

yeah but you do

laser there

no you have to go to a clinic that

doesn’t it hurts like a

motherfucker but

a tattoo let’s see let’s see don’t be a pussy

did ever did

i ever tell them

what how i found out what my tattoo

no tell us or okay so i show the tattoo first

tell the whole

story okay so when i was younger i was a manager of a

movie theater one of my employees wanted to be a

tattoo artist

while he tells the

story i’m gonna pee

one of my employees wanted to be a

tattoo artist and she

her boyfriend owned a tattoo studio

so the whole time

she’s like you know he’s teaching me

every day how to do tattoos and i do it on like

watermelons or something

like that to practice and she’s been doing it forever

and finally one day she’s like you know what i’m gonna

start doing

tattoos now

so if you know anyone that needs a tattoo

and she’s like

i’ll hook them up and i go wow how much are you

charging and she’s like for you

i’ll do it for free or something like that

cause you’ll be my

first person to ever do it

so i’m like

thinking free tattoo

that’s awesome

so i went there it took her

eight hours or something ridiculous

to do this tattoo

and it originally was supposed to be an

egyptian turtle

with my name on

in chinese or the letter r in chinese

in the middle of the turtle

in chinese it was some

stupid i was really

stoned or whatever

and it hurts so bad she did nothing but scar me

so i have tons of

scar tissue

and it’s like the gayest looking

tattoo it looks like spider man

was in a gang

gang fight or something i can’t

anyways so anyways

so one time i’m at this bar and

this chinese girl goes let me see that tattoo

and she goes

why do you have that on your arms

did she really talk like that

it was worse than that she had a cock in her mouth but

she looked at

it and she goes let me see that and she goes why do

you have that on your arm i’m like what are you talking

about that’s an r in chinese my last name blah blah

blah she goes that’s not an r she’s that’s like

flowing water that’s like a

waterfall do you like

waterfalls so i guess my

tattoo means

water let me see it

again so gay

anyways i was thinking

about getting the

getting that

that you know how there’s

cats in chinese restaurants yeah they have a clock

that could be like the clock

good i’ll have

aaron dellavedova

from guru tattoo we’ll do it together that’d be awesome

or we have someone else guru they have like

seven fucking killer artists

he can recommend

somebody we’ll have him draw a honky kong we’re

going i got my

tattoo done at guru

tattoo in san

diego they roll

and they’re awesome

killer artist

my guy the guy that did me is

aaron delvadova and he only does big

giant pieces he did my

whole sleeve

50 hours we went down there i

think seven times

right and that’s

gonna be the same we

still do this

there we’re

gonna do we’re

gonna do this there too

we’re gonna

do it again yeah

we’re good so we’re

gonna do brian’s

we’ll find you a good artist there man he’s got a

whole killer staff of

killer artists honky kong

still there because i wear a shirt every day almost

i bet he is i bet he is we can find out man

when does red band

start stripping oh it’s edward cat flap

oh hi flappo

it’s probably not him

hello kitty is worse than waterfalls it’s not the hello

kitty man how dare you bro hello kitty

i didn’t stick good luck

i didn’t take a bump i peed i’ve

never done a bump in my life

it’s one of the few drugs that i’ve never done

there’s a bunch of them that i’ve

never done i’ve never done anything addictive

this hockey kong in there in front

artist they had a

bunch of killer artists man that place is awesome

it’s in pacific beach and it

still works

it worked on i don’t think so

i don’t think so i think that guy lost his marbles

anyway what the fuck were we talking about tattoos no

something doing cocaine in the bathroom oh

i’ve never done any coke i’ve never done coke any ever

because when i was in high school

my friend jimmy his cousin

was selling coke

sitting said my friend who

let you fucking guess

but he was selling it and

when he was

doing that he lost all this weight and he fucking

he would like hide

in the basement or in the attic rather and just they

would do coke and

watch tv and him and his

girlfriend were just zombies

and i saw his

whole life fall

apart like i

watched it happen and

i remember like saying that fucking stops bad for you

i just remember

nothing but bad things

from high school

and and you know

right after high

school of people and coke

just like i

just was very obvious to me the coke is like the

worst thing you

could do here

de nitrous no

oh like from

whippets yeah i did it once once when i worked at a

ice cream place

i didn’t like it just give me a headache

we used to go i’ve done mdma

so guy asked me if i done it i did ecstasy once

only one time and it was awesome

but the next day was so bad

the next day i was so stupid my brain was like

it felt like a sponge that had been just wrung out

dry and then just left in the sun

you know and then you try to

like clean something with it it was just like

it was so my brain was so dumb it just

i was feeling so bad the next day

i was like this cannot be good for you

it’s gotta be fucking terrible for you

who knows what it was in it though

it might not have just been

mdma pure mdma it

might have been like they say that people cut it with

speed and shit like that you know

but anyway yeah i couldn’t read the next day that guy

bring rem show

gallery rem

shoe gallery

yeah i couldn’t read the next day man

literally i was sitting in

a starbucks and i was trying to read

a magazine and

i was like i can’t even fucking concentrate on this

i couldn’t literally couldn’t focus

it was it was bad

it was a fucking

great time though that

night i can

understand why people do it

and i guess if you’re not a big reader

you don’t mind feeling stupid

the next day

wouldn’t be a problem but for me man

i’ve talked to people who say this

no the next

day they feel fine it just depends how much like

strict nines in it and

stuff like that

have you ever

candy flipped

where it’s a piece of

candy and has

ecstasy on one side and acid

on the other side

i heard that’s

crazy though it’s a

great combo

yeah yeah but i

heard it’s like whenever you combine

things like that the recovery time just

accelerated

oh man it’s even more time

i’ll enjoy it nowadays

so what else what’s the best weed

the best weed is the weed that you got bitch

you know if you have the options

see the beautiful thing about california is this

there that guy’s fucking great

go with that guy man

that’s the perfect style look at this style yeah

could totally see that guy doing it

adam hawthorne i think

the thing that’s cool

about california is the fact that you get to

go these places and experience

with all these different strains

with joey diaz mixes it up every day he

thinks that that’s a

poo that shit is badass was that right there

joey diaz thinks that

see what this guy’s tiger looks like ooh

joey diaz thinks that he

should mix you wheat up

every day we’re on guru tattoo dot com guru tattoo

joey says that if you

smoke the same weed every day you get used to it

but if you mix up

strains every day that every day is

like boom boom so joey buys like a little bit of weed

every day it’s like a if

you smoke weed

every day you get used to it i mean i have to take good

three days off nowadays but

joey smokes weed every day

i try not to joey

smokes weed everyday

joey ain’t taking no days off yeah

you know when you go

we’re on the road

and we pass by joey’s

hotel room like we’re all staying in the same

hotel when you go to get joey his room

stinks of weed

i mean fucking

stinks every day it

stinks a weed

he always knows the

right guy in

every town to get him weed

you know and he always gets it

joey’s an everyday weed guy i don’t i don’t

smoke weed every day i like to take days off

think it it’s better

i don’t like that i don’t like being

completely obliterated

every day i don’t

think that’s just healthy

you know all

right let’s go to the questions on the

message board

oh your charlotte north carolina date

changed it changed or the venue changed it did

what is it now it’s

amos southend hmm

amos southend okay whatever there were there for a

ufc so the way

it always works is whenever i’m in town for a

ufc i always do a gig

the day before

so let’s go to the message

board i did a gig in

sydney had a

great fucking time

australian people are the shit that show was fun man

but the show was could

could have been better because i got too drunk the

night before oh we got too

drunk my brain was

first of all i was fucked up because i

could not sleep

cause you’re nineteen hours

ahead when you go to australia

so your body

doesn’t know what time it was

i’d be exhausted

i go to sleep

three hours

later i wake up

and i didn’t know what i thought

i was taking a nap like my body had no idea i could not

sleep for like

eight hours in

session i couldn’t do it

so i’d sleep by

three hours

get up i try to read a beat off i try to go back to

sleep again i

sleep for another hour and i wake up

again like it was so confusing man

but um friday

night when we got there

it was me and

eddie and tom

segura me and

eddie and tom

segura we went to a bar

and got fucking blitzkrieg

we just pulled up

to the bar we set up shop like right

right by the bar at this club

and you start buying people drinks

just went nutty

i must have bought a hundred fucking

drinks really just

pointy drinks

cheaper or more expensive no

i don’t the dollars all the same it’s very

close dollars like

it’s like 92 to

our dollar it’s

worth 92 cents or

might be the

other opposite

ours might be

worth 92 cents

i’m not sure

which one but

people are so you see any

kangaroos anywhere yeah we did the zoo

oh depressed

depressed kangaroos just

lying around like this like

motherfucker

that’s what we were talking

about earlier more talking

about the killer

whale that kill people yeah

the zoos bum me the fuck out man i

would like to see a kangaroo

in the wild but they’re dangerous they’ll fuck

you up was there anything in australia that was just

completely insane

their bathrooms have

weird purple

lights in them

it’s like you know how you grow up we were talking

about this me and

eddie and tom

about how you know when you grow up you’re

taught that

everything sucks

except america

right all the

countries suck

all the same australia is the shit

yeah i mean it’s beautiful it’s clean

really nice

houses everywhere

the restaurants were

great the people were friendly

and the economy is not

completely fucked

you’re driving on the left side of the road

which is weird

but other than that you get used to

that what’s

the difference you know it’s just what you’re used to

other than that

it’s fucking

phenomenal i mean

other than that

what a great country man i mean it’s amazing and

comics like

my friend eddie ift

he’s huge over there huge

guy sells out all over the

place does tv shows

people come to see him

he’s told me they

write about him in the

paper when he’s at a bar

but in america you

can’t fucking

get traction for whatever reason

large blossom

ufc that was

great you know

large barkers gigantic in australia fucking monstrous

he sold out some

place supposedly was like a 1500 seat place

sold it out something like 20 something

nights in a row

i mean it just craziness

they love american

comedians over there

so the show was fucking fantastic i had a great time

few people walked out but

that’s gonna happen

man if you don’t know what you’re getting into

you know i was trying to tell people that

if there was a big sign in the

front of the show

that said warning the show will

contain language

and material

as extreme as you

could possibly imagine

but apparently

some of the shit i said people couldn’t imagine so

they didn’t know what to expect but

sorry you got bummed out but

99 of people had a

great fucking time but yeah it was pretty wild

crazy show but also

it was because we were hammered that

night too so two

nights in a row we got barbecued

so i was planning

on going to australia

and doing all this writing

but alcohol just

sticks a fork and all

those plans you know

you said that

that when you flew to australia it was like 17 hours

was the flight really did it really feel like 17

hours was at the

point where

you were just like fuck this i need to jump off this

plane this is too much or no

now no i wasn’t that bad

you know you just

my cats are fighting

you know you just

you read you

watch a fucking

movie get on your laptop

i was you know

going over some material on the way over there

the real problem was once i got there i thought i was

gonna write but it was just so

it was all get drunk

recover from the drunk

drink a lot of

water get drunk

again recover

you had like

like small little bedrooms almost on the

plane right

plane was dope

we flew first

class on qantas and then some i

think it’s called the a310 or something like that

giant ass fucking plane

and they’re huge man

they’re like

it’s like a little

apartment man

was like coach like like

i don’t know

just regular

was like futons

no coaches just fucking

coach man business

class is pretty dope business

class is just as good as first

class wow pretty

close to it but

coach fuck you they say

they don’t tax yeah go

on i’ve been like hey let me hang out in your bedroom

my man i can’t imagine

flying 16 hours in one of

these ass chairs just

jam next to

ralphime on one side and

kevin smith on the other

after they ran

a marathon i can’t believe that somebody kicked

kevin smith off his fucking

how dumb are you it’s like

do you not know who i

guess a lot of people don’t know who he is with

like the way he looks

like they don’t know that that’s oh that’s that

famous director

you might want to shut

the fuck up that guy’s on twitter all day every day

he probably ruined southwest

that cost them

money for sure

don’t you think

well part of me

thinks so but then the

other part of

me is like they just got so much attention

you know especially if you hate fat people

you’d be like fuck yeah i’m going to

southwest so

they lost the fat dollar

i bet there’s

a lot of fat people got bummed out how does

ralphie may fly

southwest because

you know how much

money that probably

saved him all

these pissed off fat people that aren’t flying

southwest now just save them

there’s already studies that they were

thinking this is ridiculous

they were thinking

about making you take a shit

before you flew

because they

found out that if they made everyone go to

the bathroom before they got on the airplane that they

would save so many dollars per year

like this was a real

study that they were

going to do is

it southwest

this wasn’t

southwest it was american airlines or something

like that oh my

god so can you imagine

now that they have all

these fat people pissed off that

we’re not gonna fly

southwest it’s probably

they’re probably

earning 5 million dollars a year i

wonder how much it cost them more

to fly like fuel

wise to australia for a fat guy than for like a small

guy oh i’m sure it’s big enough times

100 than you

would imagine my god you know

huh yeah it kind of makes

sense maybe

southwest paid

kevin smith in this is

all just to save them a million a couple million a year

kevin smith

would never do that it’s like the fact that

kevin smith

has integrity

i met him he was cool he

wouldn’t do that yeah

he is really cool he’s a very nice guy

yeah i met him when i came into

decay rock once

krq in la very fun

radio the last

of the terrestrial

radio stations in la

fucking radio in la has vanished

i wanted to do

radio for a long time i was

thinking about doing it

you know i was

thinking what a cool

thing that would be like we have some

interesting conversations

you take callers talk to people online and shit

you know but

it just died when they had that ninety seven

point one you

know fm talk

i was like how cool

would that be let’s get a

let’s get a fucking radio gig

you know let’s do well you’re

gonna do it in denver yeah

back yeah i was thinking

about doing it in denver

i was thinking when are you

going back to denver people keep on asking me that

well this is

ufc in march but

i haven’t gotten a

venue to do

stand up app

so i might just go back and

no no no stand up just have fun

just do the usa

i wanna go back and

check out my

house and see

if i can find a fucking mountain line that ate my dog

what if you came there and your dog was sitting on the

front porch

he’s been living off the land

and he’s this big butch

lassy looking dog now

he’s a real

dog man he got

jack believe me he was gone for weeks there’s no way

your dog does not appreciate black people’s

people’s well if dogs aren’t around

black people and then also they see a

black person they’re like what the fuck

was he that color what’s going on can dog see color

maybe they just see darkness

don’t dog see a black and white

maybe you think it’s a dude with a mask on

okay ladies and gentlemen

let’s go to the message conan’s new look

conan o’brien is a new look oh with the beard

well you know what he’s got 35 million in the bank now

it’s just kicking it you know

today i interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then

threw to commercial somebody help me

oh that’s pretty funny conan o’brien

now has a twitter by the way it’s conan o’brien

i love the whole conan

story it just shows you how retarded networks are

you know and first of all

they should never change shit

you know what they should have died i

appreciate the jimmy fallon

people enjoy jimmy fallon show

but you know what put that on

after conan o’brien

you know go back to the way you had it don’t be stupid

you want to go

jayla out tonight show

while you want to go middle america and

throw a lot softballs and

not offend anybody

and then keep the conan o’brien

show where it was because with conan’s on

he can do you

know all that craziness the

fucking insult dog masturbating but you do it late at

night because

you’re allowed to do more

crazy shit late at night

you know what’s his face

remember when

we were talking to norm mcdonald outside the ice house

he had the best point

nor mcdonald goes he goes

well what fucking difference does it

make what time he’s on anyway

nobody watches it

you watch it on your fucking dvr

yeah yeah you see it on youtube

who cares rihanna

11 30 or 12 30

12 30 is better

you can get away with more shit

he was totally right

i like how he’s saying all this but yeah his

phone was from

nineteen eighty two so i was like you know

the fact that he had a

phone at all

when i when i ran into

him i ran into norm

mcdonald once when i was doing some canadian gigs like

a couple of years ago

and when i ran into him he didn’t have a cell

phone i had to call his home

phone that’s right

it never fucking cell phone

i didn’t have one

cause i don’t want people to just

be able to get in

touch with me

sometimes i just

wanna fuck off and disappear

i love that dude

yeah he’s hilarious man he’s

norm mcdonald the host in a talk show

would be the shit yeah

that would be

i would tune into that talk show

because he wouldn’t let

get people get away with anything

you know he’s nuts you know

he’s a loose dude he’s wild

he would be a good

couch guy for like conan

cause have you ever seen him on the

couch with like

i forget who it was

the whole time he was like kraken joe yeah

that was awesome wasn’t he yeah

he would be a good like

a good side guy yeah

and you know i have like a straight guy

and then he’s the side guy yeah

what is my take on the weed

stores in la getting raided

it fucking sucks

you know the

whole thing makes me makes me sick

you know the

whole thing is so

so strange man

it’s so strange that they’re

still fucking with people

apparently the way the law is presented though in

california and i’m not sure of this

is that they believe

that the way the law is presented is that you can

give weed away

and you can

sell it as long as you’re not making a profit

and that these

collectives are supposed to be to provide

medical patients with marijuana but

apparently there’s people out there that are

flaunting the wealth and they’re making a fuckload of

money off of it

millions and millions of dollars off selling weed

now if that’s the case

there’s two parts of me

one part of

me that says well you know what fuck you they

should be able to sell it

you guys are douchebags

but another part of me says hmm

maybe be better

maybe would be really in the

spirit of weed if it was free

maybe you really

would be in the

spirit of weed that it isn’t

there isn’t for profit

you know people will well

down man these

stores couldn’t

exist and they couldn’t sell it

yeah but weeds not that hard to grow man people would

still grow and sell weed

and you know people

would sell it illegally i mean there

would be plenty of people that would

you know if you want good

weed you got to talk to this guy and it’s expensive

but i kind of like the idea of it not being for profit

there’s something

about it that

that bugs me that people are overcharging for this

plant just because it’s illegal

it means fucking

some places it’s

super expensive you know

five six hundred dollars an

ounce for like really

powerful potent weed

you know which i

understand the guy

should get paid for his growing and this and that

and i totally respect that

you should be able to make a certain amount of

money for it but

if it was legal

it would be way fucking

cheaper than it is

right now the reality is

the reason why it’s expensive at all the reason why

these guys can make

millions of dollars and profit off of selling wheat

is only because it’s illegal

and difficult to get and you have to get it from

these places

if marijuana was

legal and you

could grow your own

which is how it should be

you have no need to buy it

you could have a little fucking

plant in your backyard

it pretty much

already is like that

but it’s not this guy got fucking arrested it’s not

this guy just got arrested

this guy just got arrested with 24 different counts

and he’s they’re

gonna trust him

and the way it works

apparently is what

obama has said is that they’re not

gonna charge people

who are who are

only violating federal law cause

federally it’s illegal

they’re gonna go

after people who gonna

violate both federal and state laws

so you have to follow the

state law to the letter

and they’re making an example of this one dude

apparently well i mean if you go and get a license

you’re allowed to grow what seven

plants or something like that

yeah you’re allowed

to grow a lot you’re allowed to have like a half a

pound of weed yeah

you could even

get the other

license that you can do up to like 21

plants yes i got that yeah you have that for some

weird reason

they asked me if i

need an exemption

and i said what’s in the exemption

for he goes well you

know the regular amount of weed is not enough i go yes

the regular amount is not enough

i need more so

you could pretty much anyone can get that

even kids could probably get this shit

but if they can get that

license so if you

could just grow within your amount you

could pretty much

do that now and even if the cops came over your house

right but it

could be people that don’t have the room to grow and

they don’t want to be hassled and they want to

be able to go out and purchase it at a reasonable rate

and i agree

there is a reasonable rate but

right now the rate is so high that marijuana is

worth more than gold

marijuana is

worth more per

pound than gold is that seems a little crazy

you know i mean it’s

definitely inflated because of the fact that there’s

no competition because of the fact that it’s illegal

and it’s a fucking plan

it should be

legal everybody

should be able to grow it if it was

legal there

would be nobody making millions

and millions of dollars off it the real problem is

it would fuck the economy up

because pharmaceutical

companies would just fucking nosedive

there’d be so many different

pharmaceutical products

that would be

they would be useless

do you know i believe that to a point but

right now i have weed whenever i want have we but i

still have tums for my stomach i

still have aspirin

for headaches you know they didn’t replace any of that

right you don’t have fucking glaucoma dude you

oh yeah you have there’s a lot of different

medications for add

but there’s a lot

those are the billion dollar medicines

it’s not tums bro

but you know what prescription

most of these people that

are saying that it’s the best drug for glaucoma and

stuff are just hippies wanting weed to be

legal because if you look at them the

medication for

glaucoma in comparison

i bet you it’s better than

weeds no it’s not you

know marijuana is the best for

interocular

pressure i believe that it’s what it’s called

when glaucoma

apparently it’s very painful for people

and marijuana

apparently is the best at relieving that

it’s the best at

restoring people’s appetite when they have chemotherapy

that’s why cancer patients like it

it’s the best at

it’s the best that a lot of different

things do there’s

people that have had kids that have autism

there’s a video that we showed and we

made that clip

the kid that had autism and

it was the only

thing that calmed

the kid down and made him normal was weed

you know it’s

great for a lot of different

things and all

those different

things are prescription drugs

that are worth

fucking billions of dollars

every year to

pharmaceutical companies

which is why

they lobby against

recreational drugs

so called recreational drugs

which is why to this day

partnership for a drug free america to this day

gets money from

pharmaceutical companies

they got money from alcohol companies and tobacco

companies millions and millions of dollars in the past

and because of that there was a lot of criticism

so they no longer get

money from alcohol and tobacco companies but they

still get money from fucking

pharmaceutical companies

pharmaceutical companies are responsible for

oxycodone vicodin

percocet all that shit i

still don’t

think it’s gonna be like if they

made it legal

like all these

companies are

gonna go out of business

i know my mom’s not

gonna be smoking weed she’s

gonna be like no i’ll take the

other thing

some people

would be dumb enough for a few

generations yeah they

would be dumb enough well there’s just

people that we just

doesn’t work with

and that’s like

50 60 that’s

never going to

change for the

things that we’ve talked

about it’s not 50 or 60

weed is a real effective

medicine for a

bunch of different

things yeah but

more importantly it

would be great for textiles

it would be

great for you

could eat it

i mean it has all the essential

fatty acids and the seeds

no amino acids

there’s a lot of different fucking

things that marijuana is good for besides just

just getting you high

right it’s incredible that it’s illegal it’s really

mind blowing that it’s illegal that in two thousand ten

with the access to information that we have

today the fact that it’s

still illegal

that’s fucking insane man

you stream laggy yeah you

streams always lagging man anything on

the internet’s laggy nothing works perfect this fucking

the internet is in a

it’s in a stage

right now it’s not done yet

the irs plane

crasher guy having a hangar

co leased by member of homeland security and having

ties to intelligence agencies

is that true

well i know that he

stole that plane so i don’t know it wasn’t his

plane if that’s what you’re talking

about oh really

but you know what i’m all for that guy because what

you’re all for that guy that

crashed his

building his

plane did anyone die in that yes

oh they didn’t all

right i’m sorry i was just working

but fuck the irs

wow i’m still dealing with that bullshit

they’re like fucking

okay this bad

bad bobby’s telling me that gold is one thousand

one hundred dollars an ounce

in british columbia and

the best weed is

three thousand

two hundred dollars a pound

it ain’t more than gold

it’s going for less than 17 000 a

pound here in the us oh i

stand corrected

thank you very much sir

sounds better

yeah i know what’s worth more than gold cash

hash is worth more than gold isn’t it

damn hash is expensive as fuck

how much is a pound of hash go for

more than pound a hash hot but a

hash go fucking

punch a hole through to another dimension

imagine we smoked a pound of hash

hash they make out of weed somehow another and

then the resident they do it the resin

how do they do it though do you know how they make it

i don’t sound sort of a complicated process

but i’ve had it before and

it’s a strange high

it’s it’s very very i miss very

strong i’m gonna do opium again

opium is awesome you did opium

fuck yeah it’s not much different than ash

really yeah

it looks if i listen

a little like opia so now heroin

no no it’s like

it looks like a piece of soap it

smokes like hash and it smells like a hippie

like patchouli

it smells like patchouli when it burns really yeah

it’s kind of like i don’t know

like a hash kind of feeling

hmm i’m scared man

yeah the the gold

thing i didn’t really research that very well

it was something else

sorry i said that incorrectly there’s something else

that that marijuana was more expensive than

per ounce it was oil

does that make sense

worth more than oil

worth more than something that’s worth a lot

let’s go with some other questions here

damn with the you stream

powerful you stream

opium smells like flowers and is super addictive

from the poppy

there faggot why you doing something super addictive

brian’s already did

not addict brian’s

cat had a hangnail and that got him start smoking again

it could know it was and i got audited by the rs but

before that it was your cat got to hang me on

no it was my cat had a fucked up foot

kind of fucked up

his cat fucked up fucking

fucking can’t take anymore dude

cigarettes are the worst because

cigarettes out of nowhere you’ll be like

dude i need a cigarette i need a

cigarette it’s one of those things once you do it

it opens up a door that’s always gonna be open

and it’s weird cigarettes look this guy

did you know you can activate your pineal

by saying the word love at a certain frequency shut up

shut the fuck up

it’s like that shut up like the new mariah carey song

has a high enough pitch to open up your garage doors

no it doesn’t fuck up

people love to say stupid shit

people love fucking magic

they love magic and nonsense

you know they love to

think that there is like something like that

there’s real magic

real magic eat a

pound of mushrooms you wanna see something magic

instead of having a 16 ounce steak

have 16 ounces of mushrooms motherfucker

boom that’s magic you know yeah you’ll

magically be retarded for the rest of your life

you’ll probably be communicating with

aliens permanently you’ll probably be

locked into another dimension you know

tell jerry garcia smoking opium wasn’t

addictive he

moved to smoking

black tar heroin

after that well

it’s for sure

they used to have

opium dens back in the wild west don’t you remember but

i never once did opium

the next day thought

about oh my god i need it

you know it was

never like that

cocaine was kind of like that but for me

but i hope it

never was like that that was more of like a

treat like a dessert

well you know that’s a

good argument because this argument was on the message

board as well people were talking

about things being addictive and

the problem with even alcohol

being addictive is that it’s not addictive to everybody

you know i’m not addicted to alcohol

i could not have a

drink every day for

the rest of my life and i’d have no problem with that

but i like to have a

drink sometimes and go on stage

i like to have

a drink sometimes my buddies just to make

things fun just makes you get

crazy you pay for it the next day though

especially our

age yeah yeah man you get

older do you pay for it more

but the bottom line is it’s not addictive like

i don’t hurt

when i don’t have it but for some people it is yeah

some people have to have a drink

when i was doing construction when i was a kid

there was a dude who had a mountain dew bottle

and he would fill it up with fucking beer

like cheap beer like colt forty five

and he would

drink beer all day

while we worked all day this guy was

he was shaky

jones and dude he

would show up for work though

he was there

every fucking day

seven in the morning

swinging that hammer

you know he was there

pissing every five minutes

that was always hammered though

he was drinking beer all day

for that dude though

i think it’s like everybody’s got

their own biochemical makeup

it’s like you’re addicted to cigarettes

but like tom segura

tom segura smokes

cigarettes when he drinks

but doesn’t

smoke other times

and he can go years without

cigarettes so no problem

but when he

drinks he likes to have a cigarette

when was last

time he went a year with no problem now

well he said

he’s taking a long time off he’s taking time off a

bunch of times

and he won’t

smoke for months

and then he’ll have a cigarette

he’ll have a

cigarette when he drinks

i definitely

think cigarettes is like that one thing that

even if you quit smoking

it can be three years

later in out of nowhere you’ll

start smoking again

no reason why no you’ve said that and so is ari so

i think you know i think

they’re doing something remember that

movie the insider with

russell crowe

you see that

movie it’s all

about like all the shit that they do to

cigarettes to make it even

more addictive like hundreds of difference of additives

hundreds of

different additives just to make it more addictive

and i’ve totally believe that’s true

totally 100

believe that’s true

and if that’s the case

man i mean who the fuck knows

i mean they say that

cigarettes are more

it’s not as dangerous as heroin

cause heroin will kill you

quicker and you can overdose from it but

cigarettes will get you hooked

quicker than anything yeah

apparently if you if you have that

thing inside you that gets you hooked to shit

like most i don’t

but i cigarettes

totally different

totally with cocaine too you said

well i almost

cause i was selling it and getting a

large amounts of it for free

you were allegedly

allegedly selling not really selling it not really

selling it this is like a character that

would buy a

large amount

so he could give it away

and have some

extra for free it was

peter pan of

no not peter pan

robin hood of cocaine

it was like one

month of my life back in 90

or in this fictional

story in his fictional story

but anyways

if you but if you were rich

okay what if you were like i was rich

i was getting rich

what if you were like jay z baller

you know private jet rich and you

could just get pure cocaine

shipped right over here from the cia

the cia would drop it off on your doorstep

well i think i like mr michael

package of cocaine

i think the only reason

it was kind of addictive to me because i am one of

those people that

never go to

the doctors and i probably need to be one of

those people that are on

speed or something because i

like having a thyroid

i like having a thyroid condition most of my day is

spent like moping around no energy

and stuff like that but

when cocaine

i felt like i was

alive for the

first time oh

my god and i

think that’s what was addictive more of just like

i felt like i was out of some kind of coma

well sometimes yeah well sometimes i’m having

like a normal day like i’m not really into anything

and i’ll have a cup of coffee and god

damn it fucking

fired up i feel

great yeah i feel good about life

right fucking feels like the warm sun feels better

i want to clean my office

you get a little

fired up from

stimulants you know

that’s what they’re there for

yeah you know cook it

i don’t know what cocaine’s like

but i know that i’ve had you

would never stop talking ever you talk

about this how

would you do that

you would be talking so fast your jaw would

fly off and hit somebody in the face i have this

thing called

matte decoca

and it’s a it’s a tea

that’s made out of

i guess i’m talking to myself from now

on talking to

you mati de

cocoa is a tea that’s made out of cocoa

leaves so it’s like cocaine

the plant that they make cocaine

from but it’s the unprocessed form which is

it’s actually like indigenous people

chew that i

think it’s in peru they said

it’s like really common isn’t it peru

he doesn’t know he’s outside smoking cigarettes

talking to myself

they they chew this leaf

and some for

especially people that

are at high altitude

like high altitude

herding communities they

they eat this they chew this tea

this tea leaf

but i had it in a tea form

and when i had it it was

not good for me

i couldn’t shut

the fuck up me and doug stanhope were doing shrooms

it was the day the iraq war started

and we were

in the middle of the desert at my friend yan’s house

and it’s pretty

crazy because we’re

shrooming and

right when the shrooms were kicking in

we noticed on the

television set that

they were saying that the war coverage

begins at five

and stanhope

looked at me and he goes

there’s a fucking kickoff for the war

i mean that’s really

what it was like they were telling us when the war

coverage is gonna

start tune in at five or war coverage

it was like a kickoff

it was like that’s when the program the war program was

gonna start

and that’s when

this guy yawn my friend yawn who’s like

he’s done more

psychedelics than anyone i’ve ever met ever he’s

definitely probably

fried his brain he’s got a cool podcast though

but he was talking

about hey take this

matte to coco it’ll help the mushrooms kick in quicker

maybe it did

but i could not shut the fuck up

and i was telling doug

while i was

doing it i was like i can’t shut the fuck up

this has drive me

crazy and he was

laughing uncontrollably

cause he thought it was hilarious that i was

talking about how i couldn’t shut the fuck up yet

aware of it and

still talking it’s the

worst but you know what you would

that’s one of

those drugs that

thank god you

never tried

cause you would

freak out and love it because

it makes your mind open up

and just think so

clear because

you’re just non stop

thinking of new

stuff to talk

about well that’s for me my

friend my friend

jimmy said that when we were kids

we had the cousin that was

had the problem with it

he told me not to do it he

told you smell so bad dude

that is so nasty

cigarettes are so they are nasty

but you kept on talking

about him and

daddy needed a taste oh

daddy needed a

taste you can’t go two

hours without

he had a cigarette

right when we

started too by the way

oh shut your fucking hole

you had your fix

had your goddamn fix

um anyway cigarettes

bad okay okay

very bad okay

you know what though

what’s interesting in

california i don’t know if this is in all

states that they have changed cigarettes

to go out by themselves

now so if you

don’t if you don’t hit it long enough

it will just go out because of the fires out here

so cigarette companies had to make something

in the cigarette

so if you don’t hit it

after a while it will go out by itself

and just makes me what is that yeah that can’t be

good they probably doing something like that man

they’ve probably made it

extra addictive

along the way

oh it’s just

well we can do that

but unfortunately

causes psychotic episodes

to make you fucking mortgage your

house for extra

cigarettes might

start hoarding cigarettes

you know if they

could figure out a way

to put something in

cigarettes that

would make you

completely insane and have this

insane desire to collect cigarettes

could you imagine if that

started happening you know like

a lot of black dudes collect

sneakers like

you go into

their house i got you

mtv wraps or

mtv cribs rather

you know you go in they have like a

whole room filled with

sneakers hiding

their junk from somebody

their junk was touched

towards the mountain

it’s too big and they

think they have a

horse cock so they want you

to look at their

shoes what the fuck is he talking

about he’s like the

chicks no what no

no they’re just

for whatever reason they’re into collecting

shoes what if

people just

started collecting cigarettes

like hoarding

cigarettes like roomfuls of

cigarettes and

cigarette companies were like well

you know we make a fantastic product

we can’t help it if people get

excited about it they’re just

excited about our product

we found out that they had

added something to

cigarettes that make people want to hoard

cigarettes they

would totally do it

if some fucking scientist came up with

a formula where he

could have a certain amount of chemicals

and if you put

those in cigarettes and the people smoking

cigarettes they

would have this insatiable desire to collect cigarettes

and buy way more than they need

you don’t think they

would put that in the cigarettes

of course they would

fuck yeah they

would do it they don’t give a fuck

about you they sell shit that kills you

they shit they don’t

it’s not like they didn’t know we didn’t know

cigarettes kill you holy shit we’re

gonna stop we’re sorry no

cigarettes kill 400

fucking million people every year

and no cigarette

companies even thought

about slowing down

and no politicians have ever thought

about banning them

you never hear a peep out of politicians

all those faggots

wanna talk about fucking banning pot and

you know we’ve

gotta stop marijuana and illegal drugs

meanwhile cigarettes are killing way more people than

everything else combined

cancer aids

fucking heroin meth coke

all that shit

pull it all together

with alcohol

it can’t put a fucking dent

not a scratch

into what cigarettes kill every year

if they can figure out a way to make you

wanna hoard

cigarettes for sure they

would do it

and the people hoarding it they

would give testimonials i don’t have a problem with it

i enjoy my cigarette

collection when i walk

into the garage

and i look at all my i like the

smell i get out there and i mean

it’s not like i’m smoking more i’m smoking

three pots a day

you’re right they do do that with scars but

cigars are totally different

they like to savor the

taste and shit and it’s like shit

makes no sense

to me different

no different

cigars are different flavors too they

taste different yeah but

they all taste like shit to me they

all taste like you’re sucking on a fucking

i don’t know

tree or something i like them

i like cigars i

think they taste good

really yeah when you have a fat

steak and a

glass of wine you get a nice cuban

cigar with a fucking good

taste to it

you know it’s just like you

you take it in you get a good

taste in your

mouth it’s fun get you a little gives you a buzz

crazy it’s weird

that you don’t like

i don’t like

splits because you don’t inhale

cigars you don’t have to inhale

put it in your mouth

they do if you

gonna get high no

the science between

getting high is that once it hits your mouth it’s

immediately in your

stream you don’t even is that true

yeah they did

a study where it showed like people that used to

think where you’re supposed to inhale it

and hold it in as long as you can

i guess supposedly you get 99

of the thc immediately

when you suck it

twitterverse is this true

because if this

is true i will stop smoking weed from now on

and i’ll just put it in my mouth

i’ll just put them off take a deep breath

and then blow it out i always

thought the people were doing that were like bill

i always thought that

bill clinton did not inhale

but it’s because he was crafty

he didn’t know that he knows science he

knows is that real science it is science

of course is that

is that real science twitter verse

what the fuck

is that true

you don’t let’s keep our

googling i love google we’re

gonna google

right now you do not have to inhale marijuana

to get high

and air water to get high

yeah i always

thought you had to hold it in for the long

thing too but wiki answers

what if you do not

inhale marijuana

answer no it has to go in your

lungs to get

you high meaning you have to inhale to get high

well i’m not

gonna listen this

stupid fuck

because this

stupid fuck

spelled high

two different times

and then wrote

have in capital letters

not very scientific faggot

next try here’s a

trick do you have to inhale

when smoking weed

yahoo answers

uh don’t do it

best answer chosen by asker

you fucking dummy

this is what the girl says

don’t do it

but if you must know

you have to keep the

smoke in your

lungs longer than you normally

would a cigarette

so you inhale

it and then keep it in there for as long as you can

then exhale

that’s not true

that’s not true this this dumb come to

uh don’t do it why alyssa

because you don’t

wanna have fun

why should he not

smoke the pot

because he doesn’t

wanna be friendly

cause he doesn’t

wanna be more sensitive

cause he want

doesn’t wanna tune into the universe more

shut the fuck up

don’t do it

you can’t tell me not to smoke pot

because i’m a goddamn comedian

and that’s like telling a

basketball player to not play with basketballs

mmm i can’t find the answer to this shit yeah i forget

where i read

it i read it somewhere it was like you read it the same

place i read that gold is the same amount as

wheat i know

no because i was on your side

where that’s bullshit

and my girlfriend who’s

going to school for nursing

she’s like that’s

totally untrue and then she showed me all

these studies i’m like oh okay it was a

you have to and

she’s watching

to get high like i did let’s say

this guy says

you need to

fully inhale it to get high

take a big breath in see

these are people like fucking

eighteen just like

you have to inhale weed in your

lungs get higher won’t do anything weed does not

cause cancer okay this guy’s got a cancer article

we’re not talking

about cancer you fuck

all right we have no correct answer

ladies and gentlemen we tried

we cannot find the answer to this

yahoo answers are all written by sixteen year olds or

forty year old retards one or the other

this guy says he knows everything about candace

more in seven

seconds are these good yahoo answers yeah we looked at

those yahoo answers man that doesn’t mean shit

it’s something about your mouth is filled with

whatever the

makes sense because you don’t inhale

tobacco smoke when you

smoke a cigar and you get high as fuck

you get really high from cigars

cigars give you like a serious

nicotine rush

like woo like a good one

and if that’s if that happens

why wouldn’t that happen with marijuana too

you know you don’t inhale the cigar

smoke you take it in your mouth

and then you blow it out you don’t take a deep

hit of it like you do with cigarettes

yeah that’s a

tough google search i’ll have to just actually

find that yeah we don’t know

we don’t know ladies and gentlemen it was a recent

article that was about six months ago i read it

some people weed is not for them that really is true

you know like

stanhope doesn’t like weed stanhope hates weed

which doesn’t make any

sense because he likes everything else but i

think he probably got too high and he got paranoid

he got a high feeling

if you get too high we will fucking

rock your world man

shit makes you really

the last ufc i was at

i was tripping my ass off i almost had to run out i was

thinking like okay i am just gonna

leave and go to my room and take a nap

cause i was tripping too hard

from weed wow this is a

rivalry says opium trivia the term

are you hip

comes from opium dens

you would lay on your side on your hip and smoke

hence the term are you hip

that kind of makes

sense because if you ever watch like those old west

movies or dudes are doing heroin

there or opium

they are lying on their side yeah

like what was that movie were whiter

was it whiter

one of those movies buffalo bill or white herb

i think it was

i don’t remember who the fuck played him

well remember

what was the movie were a doc holiday

the one with fucking

dennis quaid played

dennis quaid played

wide herb and

val kilmer played doc holiday

the dopest doc holiday

before val kilmer just

ate everything that that existed

val kilmer’s all fat and fucked up now he was like

go back to top gun days

tim stone tombstone that’s it we go back to like

val kilmer like the the old days falcon

was a handsome motherfucker

yeah yeah you

start hanging out with tom size one

you know this whole we thing we

could just fucking next time we’re sober we’ll just

try it yeah

okay look at this guy says red band is

right arrow it here we go robberies

comes comes clean

ah here we go

you do not read it to us

okay here it is

mouth smoking cannabis

one of the primary health issues with cannabis is the

effect of smoke on the lungs while the risks

from long term cannabis smoking are not

fully understood is assumed by mo

before i do this

i will tell

i will take this copy

mouth smoking is not as efficient as lung smoking

and requires approximately

three times the material

for the same

level of effect

but for some people

efficiency is not an issue

i would say it’s not an issue

you know cause weeds not that expensive is

you know like

we were talking

about how it’s worth a lot of money because

but it’s not

worth it’s not that much i mean

one marijuana joint is like what is it like

10 or something like that probably

wasn’t how much is a joint

a joint ten dollars

about ten dollars that’s a

california a joint will

that’s for sure

fuck you out of your mind

even if you’re

even if you

smoke a lot

if you actually inhaled

a full joint you would be blitzkrieg

california weed

california weed

so if you take

california weed and you mouth

mouth fuck it

right you could probably

get by on like

two hits of

california weed from a joint and you’re gone

and one of the

things that you can do also is if you inhale it and you

breathe it out your nose so you put it in your

mouth and then

you blow it out your nose but you’re not hailing it if

it even increases it

all right well

let’s post this up online just so everybody knows

what the fuck we’re reading

yeah but i used to i remember

there was somebody i used to know that would like

smoke she would only smoke with me but she

would sit i’m not gonna inhale it but i’ll

smoke it with you if it makes you feel better i’m like

okay so she

would always get fucked up and i’m like wow she’s

not stoned but why is she acting so fucked up

so i look back at it now and she was fucked up okay

i just put that shit up online

so you can twitter that

have so now we learned something ladies and gentlemen

thanks rival you rivalries

rivalry is you know a lot of drugs motherfucker

this is the dude he runs

the whole thing it says here he owns a pool hall in

somewhere in georgia

forget where it’s from

make them make them georgia i believe

but it’s a pretty famous pool hall this guy owns it

why is he have the douche squad

i don’t know it’s a bunch of dudes of the douche quad

you know some some members of my board

break off into little separate sex like little gangs

don’t know what they’re doing

if you never been to my message

board i got the craziest message board

i don’t know how the fuck it happened i don’t know what

caused it but i’ve had this nutty message board

since like 1998

and right now there is

more than two and a half million posts on it

i’ll put it up online

i started smoking when i was fifteen

ray and anyway

this message board

there’s so much fucking nutty shit on that

board that’s how i met

brian i met

brian from the message

board it’s really got a

life of its own i mean it’s got my name attached to it

and i pay for it and to keep it running and you know

but there’s like a

bunch of different dudes who are

cool people that i’ve met

in real life most of them that are

the the moderators on the board and

you know it’s

anything fucked up in the

world anything

weird crazy

any nutty news

if you’re looking for a

video like i

heard this is a

crazy video out

my board is

gonna have it for sure

right when you so that’s looks

yep it’s a crazy place

it’s pretty nutty

ladies and gentlemen

and on that note it’s fucking five

thirty six yeah that’s two

hours two and a half hours

we can’t do more than two

hours folks

gets boring

but we are at the addison

texas improv

this weekend

friday saturday

and sunday and i’m

gonna take a link

right here motherfucker

and i’m gonna open this

bitch and i’m

gonna put that on twitter so everybody knows what’s up

almost sold out

yeah it is very

close to sold out like all the shows what

about houston

a lot of houston people wondering

if you’re coming back to houston yeah i’m coming back

we’re right

now trying to figure out whether we’re doing the improv

or whether we’re doing the

house of blues there was a problem with the

house of blues initially

where they said the

house of blues

could not seat everybody

and i did not want to do a show

where people have to stand

and we talked

about this before that we went to the doug stanhope

show when he was in la

and i love doug

but i fucking can’t

stand and just

watch a show for an hour and a half it hurts your feet

your back starts hurting your neck gets cramped up

and then i realize

like this is uncomfortable like sitting and

watching a show is awesome

but standing and

watching a show sucks it gets

annoying i’m not a big fan of the

house of blues

i just went

through to see a concert

last week and i had a horrible

experience with

those fuckers with

house of blues

which one though the one on sunset

what happened

when you go through they

stamp your hands they put

wristbands on they

check your ids they scan the tickets right

so we went there and it was general a mission

we found a place that we wanted to like sit and

lean up against the wall it was perfect for the concert

halfway through

the opening

act or whatever opening band

security grabbed my

girlfriend coming out of the bathroom and goes

where’s your hand stamp she goes

i don’t know

maybe it washed off i have a wristband here’s my ticket

he goes no your hand’s not stamped you’re out of here

and she’s like what i have my ticket

right here he

goes i don’t care you’re supposed to have a handstand

she goes my boyfriend’s

right there

he goes go get him and he’s kicked out too

like it was like

it was like

what do you

okay but that’s just la douchebag no no

but then the manager got involved

right but that has nothing to do with houston

texas or no

even lose as a

company yeah it is

dickheads he’s like

sorry corporate

policy you’re supposed to get handstand i’m like

it doesn’t matter i’m in here i have tickets and

what the fucking

manager goes i’m

sorry but let’s go downstairs let’s get your hand stamp

let’s figure this out together i’m like

the concerts on right now

god damn it was just like the biggest like fucking

corporate bullshit you know that shit

wouldn’t happen at fucking improv

you don’t think so no you don’t have your hand

stamp but you have a

ticket come on

so you think that

so what happened then you think

would not happen

so you think

that if we have a show at the

house of blues people

might get fucked my problem with the

house of blues it’s a

corporate thing

the whole not being able to make a

great fucking time at all the

house of blues

yeah well you have any time when you’re in

front of a good

crowd of people

right yeah but that’s one of the few

venues where you guarantee that

everything’s

gonna run smoothly

they get rid of douchebags in the audience

to record your own site

that is true

now that fans

aren’t allowed to

bring cameras into the

place or they have to

leave them at

the box office well the problem with that is

these motherfuckers want to

stick cameras in your face

while you’re on

stage and constantly record

things and put them on youtube they’re

gonna do that very

very distracting they’re

gonna do that regardless

but it is annoying for them and for the bands and for

different people

who feel like

they don’t want

their stuff pirated

they’re just protecting the artist that makes

sense to me

i agree but

he had a bad

experience but i

think he had isolated douchebags i mean people run

the house of blues in

in vegas are fucking awesome

those people are super cool

that’s the one we go to the most

yeah house of

blues and san

diego that we also know is

a performance side not a

customer that’s true i’ve never

heard any complaints so if you guys have had complaints

about the house of blues

let a nigga know

you know i need to

i need to hear that shit

maybe dan aykroyd’s

house of blues in

connecticut

at the mohegan sun

deal fell through gigantic fail

why did i read that

i don’t know

you fucking

motherfucker

house of blues charges a buttload that is true

they have a lot of

built in costs

it costs i get

paid the same amount to do a 300 seat room in vegas

as i do to do the

house of blues

which is like 900 seats

which is pretty

crazy yeah it’s kind of

fucked up yeah

it’s kind of fucked up because they have all

these built in

they have built in costs

built in pockets

oh shit built in pocket

yeah and their

prices that’s another

thing the prices

were ridiculous like a bud

light was six

bucks or something like that

is it really yeah

where is it in

what is it most bars

bud light usually i mean outside of

los angeles

usually it’s like

three bucks two

bucks for bud

light outside of los angeles yeah

in los angeles

in los angeles

under five dollars at least

okay well someone just fucking

bitch slap rivalries

bbj jones says that shit we said

about hip the opium

dens he says

the actual is

to the answer of

are you hip being opium

dens lying on

he says it’s not true it’s not true it says too

ingenious too convoluted

and too silly

it’s wiki44 but that’s wiki this is just

opinion there’s

often a great deal of

uncertainty

and tracking word origins

since we have written

word record to go on

phrase may have been in common use long before anybody

wrote it down

after all one

doesn’t use

slang phrases in most writing

such as newspaper a certain column is accepted

they should use

slang and everything

so talk why we pretended not talk the way we talk

i always thought that like

writing professionally like when i

write in my blogs i

write exactly the way i talk

just like i

wrote an open letter to kellogg’s

which more or

less i did as a writing exercise i was writing

every day for a

month the month my

spike tv special was being recorded

so i wrote down

i wrote my material out

every day not

wrote to material i

wrote new blogs

every day and

you know i just needed shit to write

about and one of them was this

kellogg’s banning michael phelps because he smoked weed

and because i

wrote this open letter and i

wrote it the way i talk with

swears and just the way i normally talk

people like yeah they’re

gonna read that open letter like

i didn’t want to read it

stupid so i’m just writing it doesn’t

you read it or you don’t read it but i’m not gonna

write something think

you have more impact just like they’re

gonna listen

they’re gonna listen to a fucking

pothead comedian

slash cage fighting commentator like

kellogg’s is

gonna make their

their decisions

based on that

no it’s for you guys it’s for

humor it’s for

entertainment

does the word hip really hail

from a west african language

it could be either or though this

this i mean it could be

that that the the original hip that rivalries talked

about is right i mean this i mean if there’s no real

if the origins of it are murky it could be both

it’s not saying anything to discredit that

anyway who gives a fuck

red ban is totally right about the cigars

oh is you really

totally right i am totally right no no it’s a fucking

taste thing i think cigarettes are disgusting

you’re sucking on them

every day you wouldn’t think they’re disgusting if you

smoke them for a week yeah you’re totally

right about that

you’re right if i was a junkie i

wouldn’t think they’re disgusting

this guy had a shitty

experience at the anaheim

house of blues

same deal as red band except

they had to make me re

stamp my hand and i lost my stool

exactly that’s what happened to me

i lost my stool

i almost got in a

fight with bunch of persians when the guy

felt bad his friend felt bad and he kept on buying me

bad tequila all

night the next

thing i know i was like

six oasis bro

what oh wait isn’t that

they’re called persians they’re iranians yeah but

they don’t want to be called iranians

they would be called

persians yeah

are you sure

they don’t want to be confused with

irania here

iranian haha

talk about the fights at one ten

it was fucking awesome

came velasquez

that guy’s a legend he’s gonna go down

in history it’s like one of the greatest ever i think

that that was just some stellar shit

came alaska is gonna be him

against brock lesnar is gonna be insane

him i wanna see

him against fade or really i would love to see came

alaska against fade or

i think every time came

fights he gets better

you know the heavyweight division is a motherfucker

right now shane carwin versus frank meer and brock

lesnar is gonna fight the winner

and you know who knows what the fuck is ever

gonna happen to fade or fade or ever gets to the

ufc the fucking

universe might collapse it

might be insane

all right ladies gentlemen

we’ve had a long ass show it’s five

forty four so that

means even with our downtime we did like an hour and

twenty minutes at least

maybe an hour and a half

love you thanks for

tuning in um

addison texas this weekend

next week or next week

oh canada i’m in canada next week

shazam bitches

i’m in toronto i’m in a couple other places

fuck i am but we’ll talk about that shit next week

thank you very much for

tuning in i love you bitches and

that’s it all right i gotta find out how to end this it

would have been cool if i figured out a way to say

thank you i love you rudolph

shut up bye