Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

Transcript

hi everybody hello

can you hear us oh

hey there we are ladies and gentlemen

tardy but here nonetheless

sort of it’s like halfway through because

the the one on you stream says three o’clock

and this one says

and i said it two o’clock

cause i’m an idiot

but it’s supposed to be three o’clock so we figured

we’ll start

somewhere around now it’s all

about checking out

the twitter that i had to find out when really shit’s

going on well that’s

ridiculous burn because some people have lives and

they can’t just be on the fucking twitter all the time

looking for

you to do shit have you met people that have

their twitter set up so when people

tweet they automatically get like a text message yeah

that’s retarded

that’s retarded

i know people get mad at me sometimes you’re

tweeting too much man it’s blowing up my phone

i have to take you off

yeah that’s

ridiculous why

would you have

i think maybe in the beginning

it was almost like an instant message for people

you know yeah like

but it really that’s just text

messaging that’s someone who you know text messaging

but text messaging to all

their friends

right and then it got

crazy you know

it’s a strange way of communicating

that twitter is one of the

weirdest fucking inventions

that the internet has ever sprung

sperm sperm

word sperm give

birth to shit out

it’s amazing

it’s just it’s so simple keep it to

140 characters

so that you know you don’t get too fucking

verbose and stupid

you learn how to edit your shit you know

you can’t have

these long run on you ever read someone’s blogs

and even my own blogs

ramble so much

too much sometimes

some people your

blogs are for

smart people that you

know like readers like i have to be in a reader mode

yeah you know like

most of the time i’m in more of a

video me too i don’t want to read

people’s bullshit i don’t want to read anything like i

write but it’s

sometimes i do

sometimes i

think and when i have to

when i want to

write it i have to write it

whatever the

if i’m writing something

it’s just because that’s what i’m thinking

about and i’ve been fucking with it and i’ve been

rolling around in my head

you know and

they might not be correct

i have no idea most of

most of my ideas are just pure speculation

but the only way to to really be honest

about it so

write it in a blog you can’t like tell people

stuff like that you

start talking to people

about your theories you

sound like a nut

but at least if you

write it down for whatever reason

it looks more thought out

isn’t that weird you know

have you just tell people that you think that

technology is some sort of a symbiotic life form that’s

existing with us and eventually it’s

going to overcome us

and then everybody’s looking at it like

we control it always

you know no

no like those terminator

movies those guys got it right

like that’s like

super possible

it really is

i mean no one wants

to believe it but if you look at how fucking chaotic

human life is and not

not really in america

you know this is a pretty badass country

but if you watch like documentaries on like that vice

squad guide to

liberia is that what it was

what is the the website that did we talk

about that last week uh

what was it

about those

vice tv guys

those guys that go to

liberia and talk

about all the cannibalism and shit that’s

going on seems like you did i

think we did talk

about it yeah

if you haven’t seen it well i’m

gonna find the link and

throw it up anyway because it’s so

crazy there was a link

also that you

talked about last

week that somebody said that you didn’t did you ever

which they were

like this link’s not working a lot of people are saying

i forget what it was

about maybe the lions

that you were talking

about the lions

last week that the antep

oh yeah really that was the

wrong way maybe it was that one there was a few

i just remember

because somebody said that they saw it it was amazing

maybe they googled it or something

maybe they were

smart they’re like oh

maybe we should use google if i’m

talking about something i’ll give you the wrong link

just let me know i’m sorry

that’s that is annoying

when you’re trying to figure out what it is yeah

that’s the time google

works that pretty well don’t you feel like a little

genius when you figure out

where they fucked up though you go back to the

url and you go oh there’s

the bottom part yeah

and you gotta copy and

paste the whole

thing and then put it in your browser

it’s like you will

solve a little

puzzle that’s for you oh cool

that’s a papaya kombucha

shit’s good for you

or is it mango

papaya keeping them real

what’s up twitter people the fuck’s

cracking huh

how’s life that lion shit was

crazy yeah if you

haven’t seen what we’re talking

about the lion shit

there was a

these gigantic lions

that lived in africa

and they got cut off from the rest of the continent and

and they were

stuck on an island

and they were like regular

sized lines at

first they presume

and because they were on the island with only

water buffalo

water buffalo hardest fuck to kill so

these lines

got gigantic they grew fucking huge from taking down

water buffalos

it’s really pretty fucking

spooky stuff

you know it’s intense like

they look like like the hulk

they didn’t look real like

look at them yeah

yeah those mice that have that mile statin

thing that they

like those dogs

those whippets

when they do those

experiments on i’m

gonna make them look like cartoons

you ever seen that that just disease i

guess it would be that makes you grow fast

like they just showed this

woman that was 12 years

old but she looked like she was 62 in a smoker yeah

it’s not that it has to do with the fat in your skin

it’s not doesn’t have to do with growing fast

it has to do with the fat in your skin

when you get

older one of the

things that happens is

the fat leaves your skin and

these people who are like 13 and 12 and

little babies even

they have this disease

where that’s how

their body like

starts treating it

right away so their skin

starts to behave like an old person’s skin whoa

yeah it was

weird though i felt so bad for her

cause she’s really

like and her

mother had it too it’s terrible

super rare though so don’t

worry about

hmm it’s yeah but it’s pretty

freaky when you find diseases like that

you know but this

liberia shit man if you

haven’t seen this i have to

throw this link up because it’s one of the gnarliest

fucking documentaries i’ve ever seen ever

and these guys

i think that this shows called

vice guide tv

yeah vice guy to

liberia i’m

gonna give you exactly

do i lost last night yes i did

without giving any

spoilers what do you think um

no spoilers no spoilers um i think

i’m getting

tired of it you are yeah so you didn’t find it

exciting last night it was

exciting but i was like come on

you’re just jumping back in time and

you know people are

dead but then they’re not and like come on really yeah

you know i’m saying

it’s like really that’s what’s

going on now well when that one

thing was the one

thing and he was like i’m

sorry for being that

thing that was

crazy yeah but

it was like at a certain

point in time i was like god damn this is like comical

yeah it was caricature

yeah you know what i really hated

also is how many commercials there were there were

like every three

minutes there was a commercial in the future hopefully

you could like go all

right no i don’t

want commercials i want pop up ads on my tv you know

pretty nutty

cause that was just like you were into it

out of it into it out of it

yeah it is pretty nutty

yeah you gotta

watch it on dvr and even then

you gotta fast forward the room

commercials are a very inefficient

way of reaching people cause you’re

enjoying the shit out

you know i mean it does if you

stuff enough shit down our

throats we’ll eventually

take it but

putting it on the middle of like shows and

stuff like that what if you could go to like a group

once a month

for like ten minutes and they just showed you a

bunch of products and then they’re like alright no more

advertising for you on the internet or for the tv just

cause you you know you went to like a

group meeting

just so advertisers can sell

their products to you in person

yeah you know what i mean like this is coke here

taste it yeah alright so we won’t advertise

your tv anymore

well i think there’s

maybe a better way

would be to do it the way they do to the movies

where they show you the ads first

yeah and then the

movie yeah but you have to

watch it that’s the

thing now but still

it’s like once the show

begins you shut the fuck up

right you know when you go to the

movies the concede

what you’re conceding is that you give them money

so they’re only gonna

annoy you in the beginning

and then they

gonna stop annoying you they

gonna let the

thing play out in its full form

which is the most

enjoyable way

wouldn’t you appreciate

any like any

coca cola or any one of

those people

just stepped

in and said listen we all know the tv shows are better

when you let

them play from the beginning to end you don’t

wanna interrupt them with commercial all the time

how about we’ll do this we’ll advertise

in the beginning

thank you very much i hope you

enjoy our product

hope you enjoy this

movie bam yeah

that’s how it’s supposed to be

they got it nailed

these movie guys got it nailed

these tv guys are retarded

maybe putting shit on in the middle of the fucking show

stupid it was dumb yeah and it was so bad last

night that i was just like really this is

getting insane

every 15 minutes come on it wasn’t even

15 minutes maybe

maybe every hour if you know a two hour show every hour

throw on a few commercials fuck it

it pretty much

was one hour or show one hour of commercials but they

build it as a two hour event

yeah well you know it’s a lot of

money man it’s a lot of

money i wasn’t

i don’t i really

enjoyed the

series up until now

especially early on

i felt it was

it’s like a really creative series

but i gotta

admit that last

night just seems kind of like hokey

it’s like you know the chinese guy who

doesn’t like to

i don’t want to say anything right

no yeah yeah just got replace everything

blah blah blah blah blah i’m not no no

spoilers i don’t want to give it away

if you haven’t seen it

so that’s what i think it’s

still a great show

still i mean even though it seems hokey it’s still fun

but at a certain

point in time the

whole premise is hokey

i mean come on it’s

silly it’s ridiculous it’s a

suspension of

disbelief show yeah

no and you jumping back in

time with nuclear weapons like what the fuck you doing

you know what you can just hit that

thing and you go back in time okay cool

you know yeah

it’s just utter nonsense

it’s like i want to

i want to talk

about it but there’s something i want to talk

about i’m trying to

censor it but

there’s no way to do it yeah you can’t it sucks

well how did

you did you enjoy it

yeah i did but i was so pissed off

about the commercials that kind of

upset me i was very

upset i like being in a

world and not

imagine watching avatar and every

five minutes you

gotta say commercial no you’re

absolutely right it’s

ridiculous there’s

gotta be a better way to sell shit

yeah that’s not the best way to sell shit that’s

stupid they

think that just

by conditioning people to be used to

them interrupting it over and over again

that’s the best way make us

watch it in the beginning yeah

well you’re not

gonna watch it anyway then you have a webcam set up

on top of your tv that detects if you’re sitting there

watching it

you know yeah

people get excited for previews man i get

excited for the

whole preview i don’t know why

but i get excited i’m more amped up

to see the wolf man this year than i

think like anything man

that looks awesome

can you do it that’s

gonna be like a new gang sign dude do the wolf man

dude it looks sick

it looks cool because it’s like old

school the wolf man

you know and that rick

baker did all the the makeup he’s

that that dude who did star wars and he’s done like

everything he did an american werewolf in london

and this is like

real old school makeup

you know it’s not like cgi like parts are cgi like the

transformation is cgi

when it becomes the wolfman

but then it’s like a dude in an outfit

you know and rick

baker’s the master of that shit when i was

a little kid i used to want to be a makeup artist

i used to one of

those hollywood guys that made

did you do the makeup of the guy on the hog video

but i used to wanna do

werewolf masks and shit and

special effects

movie special effects mask stuff

i thought that was the coolest shit ever

i wanted to do that for a

while man i was a big fan of that guy rick baker

he’s the dude

he’s doing this

movie too so that’s what was gonna be the shit yeah

it looks good fuck yeah

del toro’s a badass

there’s a probably part

where he sings

like a wolfman song or something like that

he can act his fucking ass off that dude

you know he’s one of

those dudes

when he’s playing like

angry or crazy

like he goes so far

you would worry that he’s gonna like

you’d worry he’s

gonna do something fucking

crazy you know

now when he’s in a role

he’s one of

those dudes it’s like

i always look forward to his

movies like

when it whatever it is he knows how to do it

acting such a

tricky thing

you know isn’t it like some actors

you like really look forward to seeing them in movies

you know yeah

definitely it’s a

weird thing yeah

sissy’s basic

some dudes get like

super obsessed with it how about like those guys

guys are like super obsessed with movies

movie trivia and shit

you know what’s really gay is that

gross is that there’s a john travolta

movie that’s coming out where it’s a love story

and it uses a cross

movie reference that’s how bad it is he’s like in

paris and goes i always like a royale

with cheese and i’m like oh

no way yeah

oh my god it was like oh that’s

gross john travolta

seems to be losing

his mind i would

love to talk to that guy how dare he ruin a character

you know what

i mean he’s not ruining it he’s creating a new one

i don’t think he’s ruining

it you can’t ruin it what it is is a slicing time

and then you go back and you can see it

that’s as gross as commercials to me

well he was good in that pelham

123 movie if you didn’t see that pelham 1 2 3

movie he was

fucking good in it man he plays a good psycho

i didn’t like is the hurt locker have you seen that

i didn’t see it

rent it on amazon already

have it oh yeah i got it everybody says it’s the best

movie ever it’s so slow and boring it’s like

hey let’s go to one mission

i don’t say

anymore don’t don’t know this is not really nothing

go to one mission

let’s go to another mission

well let’s go to another mission the end

like it’s like why am i

watching this like i felt like i was just

watching you

know what i felt like that with no country for old men

yeah i never saw that

no country for old men is like listen

i know what you’re trying to do

i know you’re trying to be

crafty i know

you’re trying to be unconventional but here’s the deal

when i go to movies

i want you to

stick with the fucking

framework okay

right there’s good guys

and bad guys

and maybe monsters

okay and at the end good guys win

any questions

okay make your shit

okay i like

watching good guys win

you fucking weirdo

i don’t watch i don’t like

watching people just

drive off the whole

thing’s fake

all right you pretending that

well in the real

world things don’t turn

out well this isn’t the real

world stupid this is goddamn

fucking movie

and i want a good ending

right i want an interesting ending with a fucking

conclusion avatar

avatar i’ve talked to so many got people that

have been in the military that are pissed off at that

movie for killing

what they say represents us soldiers

but yet nowhere in there did they say they’re

like us or anything they’re just an army you know

that’s a good

point really when you

think about yeah

the man like

will they say hurrah

or whatever that

the one guy was a

fucking marine but he was one of the blue

guys i can see it i can see it but

it’s like alright dude calm down there’s

smurfs you know

yeah but well that’s this he’s got a

point man you

could see it that way because you’re not a military

right that’s what i’m saying i

especially a military person

in the middle of two wars that they

may not support yeah there’s a lot of people that are

that are in the military

don’t think we

should be there anymore right

a lot of people yeah but i

think avatar in general is just

like it was like gi joe you know it wasn’t real us army

troops you know there’s no reason to

get mad they’re just an army they’re

representing like a

space army or something

yeah it was so much in

the future it was like

a thousand years

man it was too

human like if you want to be real yeah but it’s like

to me predator

i don’t see no getting mad predator yeah because you

could you imagine though

for real if

if there was such a planet and there was such a mineral

and there were

mercenaries who go to that planet

if it wasn’t broadcast to us

we don’t know what the fuck is

going on in afghanistan every day

we don’t know

about these

crazy drones that they’re firing missiles into pakistan

i mean this is real

stuff that’s

on the news it seems like science fiction this is

going on every day

in other parts of the world

and that ain’t that much different man

it ain’t that much different

it’s people that don’t know people jack and people for

their shit you

know and that’s what’s

going on right now and that’s what was

going on in the

movie it’s not that unrealistic

you know and in fact it

might be it

might be generous the idea that they

would go so far as to

make artificial ones to try to be friends with them

really more like kill him

more like kill him

i mean that’s what people do

i mean that

movie painted

a much more

a much brighter

picture of humanity than the real

humanity the real

humanity we’re not making like arab clones

and we’re operating them with remote control

to go in and

infiltrate the taliban and go hey guys like

what’s wrong with being american

maybe we can all be cool

you know like

you know i mean if the united

states government

had that kind of

insight and

innovation into the

human body could you imagine

the kind of shit that they

would do they

would just make

billions and billions of republicans

they would just

start cloning republicans and making them

and operating them with remote control

republican girls fucking all the important guys

getting all

their deals passed just

that’s what they’ll do you’re

shaking robot girl

that’s what they do

that’s an avatar for the real life if that if they date

we don’t we’re not that nice okay

we’re not gonna make fake arabs

you know it’s not

gonna happen or fake whoever the fuck we’re

fighting we’re

gonna figure

out a reason to convince everybody on this side that

those people are evil

that’s what we’ve always done

those people are evil

and then we jack them you know

i mean it’s it’s fucking amazing that the same game

can go on for so long and in this

age of information it can

still be passed off as like you know

as the important

thing to do

you know the important

thing to do at a certain point

is to try to fucking help everybody try to get all

these countries to

chill the fuck out

but that’s never

gonna happen

man because they live in somewhere that sucks

and when you live somewhere

that really sucks there’s a lot of goddamn conflict

you know that’s just a fact

they got a terrible fucking roll of the dice

and they’re living in a part of the

world that stuck

hundreds and hundreds of years ago

they’ve got

technology but they’ve got chaos and

you know it

doesn’t it’s just a mess they’ve been

fighting forever they’ve been

fighting forever over there man

i mean that’s what they do

that’s what

these fucking people do

in the middle east

war has been

going on the middle east for so long

like you talk to israelis like due to

live in israel like

already talks

about all the time

those motherfuckers are hard

you know those people are different

you know those people are experiencing war on a

daily basis man

that’s like a part of

their culture almost

you know it’s like this conflict is

going on for so fucking long over there

and it’s almost impossible to see a way

without evolving without

evolving as

a species it’s almost impossible to see a way it’s

going to end it just keeps going

it doesn’t show any sign of letting up

if you looked at it

as a wave and you see the wave

bouncing back and forth like

it doesn’t seem like it’s going away

seems like there’s always some bullshit going down

it’s always

this motherfucker is mad at that

motherfucker and he’s

gonna launch bombs and

it just it seems like it takes a little time off

and then it bounces

right back and palestine wants

to land back and

the settlers

and oh shit someone got run over by a tank

you know it’s like it’s always there

this spring

back and forth violent tension is always there

and it’s like something’s

gotta be done

at the core of that shit

something’s

gonna be done

unless you’re you

i mean unless that’s what people really want

unless people what they really want is conflict

maybe that’s just

human nature you know

that’s possible right

so avatar is nicer

than people

bring it back around

avatar is nicer than people

i think i don’t think we

would make fake people to deal with our enemies

we would fucking kill

him so for people that say that that’s oh you may pitch

people in a bad light

mercenaries man that’s a

that’s crazy job

those guys are

space mercenaries

motherfucker don’t you play doom

all right those dudes are serious

space mercenaries

that’s an excellent character if you’re playing

quake three

you know be a

space marine fuck yeah bitch

tough characters so i have an

eight year old pole that was revisited recently

it was about pooping yeah poop standing or poop sitting

or wiping this is and

it’s pretty funny though it’s gained popularity again

do you wipe

standing up or sitting down

you know how i wipe

motherfucker we’ve talked

about this i know but

we’ve talked on this oh

i stand up to wipe me

to get a good goddamn wipe in yeah

i’ll tell you this i was using those flushable wipes

you know to keep my butt nice and fresh and tidy

you got fifty fifty

those aren’t good man you got fifty fifty

no no no even if you fifty fifty the problem with

those wipes you can’t really flush them

oh yeah they’re not

flushable that the real flexible they call them

flush them all but

i’ve had a part

in my house twice that’s how stupid i am

those bitches they pack up in your pipes you can’t

flush them you know how many are you

using like 15 i wipe my ass a lot take a lot of shit

but you can’t do that so then the only other option is

you have to either have a bidet

which i have

which i’ve never used why don’t you use it i

would totally love one at all because i’m an american

i think it’s

great it’s like hey

i’m an american and i want to faucet up my butthole

it doesn’t even look remotely comfortable

or inviting

french are so hard whoever the fuck invented that

that ass cleaning machine

they’re hard people man

because that

thing is just like polished

it’s white and there’s like

steel and chrome it

doesn’t look like anywhere you want to put your asshole

really yeah it’s not like warm soft and inviting

place your asshole here we’ll

clean it off for you wow

no it looks like

metal and fucking it’s 2010

you need a better way to

clean my asshole with a machine than this

stupid little

monster looking thing

it looks like a torture contraption

it looks like a faucet it looks like someone’s

gonna shove that

other stick

right up your asshole

and you turn it on and

water goes inside

your body or something i mean that’s what it looks like

they should just make like a robot

asian face head

that just eats your ass like you pick your

ass up and clean it

you just like lean your butt

against it and i was like yeah

clean it clean it

it looks like

it looks like lucy liu what

about for yeah what

about for girls though we need something for girls

would be a black guy

they glasses

they use the asian girl no

they wouldn’t want to that’s a

dirty bitch that cleans their husband’s asshole

i guarantee if there was an asshole cleaning machine

and it was a woman’s face

like a really hot asian woman

your wife would want her own asshole cleaning machine

right next to it you send a picture of

magic johnson

or you send a picture a

photo to the manufacturer

of your father and they send back the father

could you imagine if she

could do that

i mean why can’t you do that soon in the future

i guarantee you in the future

there’s gonna be toilet seats

that look like celebrities and

they can eat your asshole it’s

julia roberts look so

please somebody twitter this down

that this is the future

cause we’re

gonna forget this

twitter me this please

toilet seats

they look like celebrities and they

clean your asshole

that is the future genetic like

they’re so close to

replicating different parts of

human beings you know

they created a

woman’s bladder

took her bladder and they’ve used stem cells

and they created they took a

piece of her

bladder and they created a big bladder for her

i mean we’re doing incredible

things now that’s

gonna be able

that’s gonna be able to happen you’re gonna

be able to have puff daddy

in your asshole it’s

gonna look like

those wax figures like that’s

famous really

big step it’s

gonna feel like

flesh right

and they’re

gonna have emotions and all

he wants to do is lick your asshole that’s it and they

but yeah but

they have emotions like they sometimes they

will like cry and be sad

while they cry

i want that

julia roberts face

going no no no

who would you have if you had it if you

have the ability to buy any celebrity

to megan fox immediate

megan fox but as a gag gift i

would get my friends like hey i got you a brad pitt

that would be

brutal though if like what if your friends really like

it’s not even a real person bro

fuck hey i want my asshole clean

i like i like it my

what do you give a shit it’s not even a real guy

because it’s a guy’s

image because images

eat your ass who

would you do

i don’t know man i have to

think about that

i would go right for

megan fox but i

would also have like a

like one like a different one for special occasion

maybe i go it like

tracy lawrence

right when she became legal

oh i was thinking

tracy chapman

i was like tracy chapman

no tracy lords is like the craziest porno

story ever you know that

story i was

thinking of the violin player from dave matthews

i met her on a vh one thing

one of those like

they did a bunch of shows called the list

and i got to sit down with a rob

halford from judas priest he was one of the guests

meatloaf was one of the guests

and i hosted it and

she was on it too she’s one of the guys she’s very nice

very she seems like a like a normal human

but she was so

super hot man when she was young who

not that she’s not super hot

now it’s pretty hot now but god damn

when she was

young it was just ridiculous

she got an appoint like sixteen lied

about her age

they’re all illegal yeah

i’ve never seen one or

on my computer ever

yeah i mean it

should be illegal

i totally understand i’m with you

plenty of porn

so funny back then though the 70s looked like an old

lady you know like i

like you look back at 70s videos

those kids don’t look like kids they look like

older women like cougars or something

really like

their hair and

their makeup

yeah they did

dress crazy

but it’s so fascinating man

those old porns are fascinating

no donna mmm

you like that one i like her

she’s always favorite too i think yeah

i just like her because she’s like real

it’s like hey look here’s a

picture of my butthole

what very real

yeah she’ll

shock you with her twitter

yes she’s got

great twitter so you don’t follow her

yeah she’s like not safe for work

and you click on it

and it’s a gaping butthole with come dribbling

at it you like

yeah kind of

like yeah that’s

kinda not safe for work talk about

understatement of the year award

hey hold on if you don’t want to see

a gaping butthole

dot dot dot

it’s funny because she was doing an asshole

movie and so she was like practicing all week and

she’s like i

gotta practice more like

a fist up her ass

god bless her

god bless you girl

keep going with it

enjoy so what

3d porn coming soon it is coming soon man

i was at the sony

store the sony

store at the mall

and they have a 3d tv

and you put

glasses on and you turn them on with a button

and it’s just like

watching avatar 3d

it’s fucking insane

they had sports on

i had soccer

and the soccer balls fucking

flying by you i mean it’s really wicked

it just like

so much more

immersive it’s really really cool

and that’s gonna be on tv soon man

it’s coming out

this summer in

2010 they’re

gonna have the

first units out

and then it’s

gonna just explode

so crazy they’re

gonna be filming shit in 3d

everything’s

gonna be in 3d

hey i got something

to add to the old crop dusting theory

i was thinking of this the

other day it was like the

crop dusting pot on people no

parts shit kim

trails oh i

got something i did the

whole kim trails discussing i thought of the

other night

so if you’re

going to like

spray this shit over cities

you know where

people are gonna be like what the fuck is that

wouldn’t you do it at night yes

hey should we do it when everyone can see it and is

awake or should we do it at three in the

morning well that’s part of the evil orwell plan

you know the evil plan is that they

sprayed right

above them they willingly

you know allow

these politicians to control them

with a spray from the sky

you know who

really really really believes that shit is prince

princes like

crazy buck chemtrails

he was like

you know so crazy

we would all be in the ghetto

and everybody

would be playing and having a good time

and then they’d

start spraying that shit over our heads

and all of a

sudden everybody was fighting

like why are we fighting

what’s it about like

what the fuck

are you talking

about all right

people always

fight there’s always violence like what the fuck

are you insane

any place where people are poor

people are violent

shut the fuck up

like you really

think that they’re

spraying shit from the sky

that’s making

people in poor communities be violent wowza

people believe some nutty shit can you imagine being

stuck in like an elevator with prince that would

be crazy i would love it for he’s a genius i

love to todd just

be in that guy’s presence and just talk to him

a fascinating dude but sometimes

even dudes who are geniuses at anything whether it’s

playing chess or you know being a martial artist

there’s sometimes there’s something

wrong with them to get them there

there’s something

about getting really amazing at something

people that are the very very best at something

almost all crazy

it’s really hard not to be you know

could you imagine

if you were like the best in the

world like a lance armstrong type dude

how’s that dude not fucking crazy

and then he made pancakes out of your pancake store

what pancake store is that

about waking up in the morning making a

sandwich pancakes

oh that story yeah i can’t say that

yeah that would be so rude

personal story

ladies and gentlemen i protect my friends

who is joe rogan who are you man

how dare you todd

jones who am i

who no maybe that just like thinking deep

start knowing who is joe

he’s being mean to me

yeah but if yes i

didn’t know you either man

but fuck you man

but if you ask that same question to john malkovich

you’d be like who was john malkovich i’ll tell you

you know like he

would really

look at that

different product i kind of

reboot this up

my shit is whack

dude how awesome is that

dana white’s playing all the

pride shit on

spike do the

prize is so

awesome man

oh i’ve been

addicted to it there’s so much fun i showed brian the

the difference between the rules

brian was the one i talked

about in my blog

where when the dude tried to stomp the dude he went

he could do that

remember yeah i was really

stoned and no one pre warned me

the next thing i know this guy’s stopping this guy’s

brain and i’m like whoa whoa is he trying to kill

the guy it was pretty fucked up it was pretty fucked up

it’s like when you watch

those pride

fights like they were pretty fucked up

you know it’s like old

school ufc you

see like that yeah but you know there’s something about

the way they

did it man i like it i love the fact that they did 10

minute rounds

the first round that’s 10

minutes that’s

great that’s how it

should be yeah

well you know when everybody says no bullshit because

it’s too hard in the fighters

i don’t necessarily know if that’s true you

know there’s a lot of times

where a momentum is being established

and it’s being established and

you would like to see

where it goes you don’t want to see him like

fuel up and

have some water in the corner i want to see

where it goes

from there if a dude works for like four minutes

it finally gets a guy to the ground

or if a guy gets to take down immediately

and a dude finally gets up and there’s only twenty

seconds left

and then the dude

starts bombing

on him and then the guy who took him down is

tired i wanna see what the fuck is happening keep going

you know i mean that’s what

i think that’s what the best guys

would want the best guys would

wanna see that they

would wanna see

a big ass ten

minute round but

in the interest of the

safety of the

fighters though they’re

gonna take less damage in a five minute

round that’s why i accept

it i accept the unified rules because if you look at it

like in terms of like what’s

what’s gonna be the most palatable

for the american

for the american public yeah that’s the most palatable

five minute

rounds you know

five rounds for

championship

fights i totally

agree with all that stuff

the only thing

sometimes i

think that i

would substitute

knees on the ground for elbows

i think knees from that position

when you’re holding onto a guy and you can knee

him in the face

elbows on the ground cut the shit out of dudes

and sometimes they fuck up

fights you know

they’ll end a fight

early that was like a really good

fight and it’s because of economy

usually that

doesn’t happen

but occasionally

you know the

ufc is so much better

about that than boxing though

boxing any kind of a bad cut and they’ll stop the

fight like right away

ufc let stefan

strew fight

and he had like a hatchet

wound in his head

i mean it was a

giant cut it was a

giant cut and then let the

fight go and

eventually got the dude down and choked him out

and it was an incredible

fight i mean he was busted wide open

covered with blood

it was insane

and after it was over the guy was so

dizzy he lost so much blood

he could barely talk to me i was talking to him

after the fight

it was incredible

they would never let that happen in a boxing

match i think

it was kind of

crazy that that

fight took place in germany

because the germans

would look kind of reluctant

to have the

ufc there and then i was like

thinking like wow this is one of the

bloodiest fights ever

and you know

this is where it’s going to take place a

place where they’re apprehensive about it

you know apparently a

bunch of german dudes came down to see the ufc

in vegas and you know they didn’t like it

they thought it was

horrific and violent

it’s kind of like pink spinning with the water

did you see that on the grammys

that that girl so talented

that’s pretty amazing though she’s very talented yeah

she’s something

about her her performance charisma

like when she walks on

stage it’s like

you have to like step back yeah

you know she’s

got it whatever it is she’s got it she’s hot

she’s like there’s something

about just the way that she like just walks on

stage and sings so confidently

and so calmly

like her energy

it’s like that’s a girl that’s like born to perform

that bitch can perform her fucking ass off

and then when she goes up in the air you’re

gonna go oh well the

other ones are

gonna do the acrobatics

she ain’t gonna do shit she’s just

gonna kinda like it lift it up

no she gets all fucking crazy

and she’s like in this half

naked outfit and she’s dunked in

water and she’s

spinning around

and then she turns up she’s

spinning with her head down

and she’s singing at the same time

that’s that’s the baddest bitch in

music period

everybody else shut the fuck up

shut the fuck up man

pink just owned all

those bitches

all of them lady gaga sit the fuck down

did you not

see what happened can you do that if you can’t shut up

lady gaga was pretty good too i didn’t see it

that fucking poker face song made me want to

punch holes through walls

i like me no sir you

like it all you want fella

it’s not my cup of tea

my my my my

i love i love chick songs i love when chick sing

yeah people get in my car and i

think it’s a joke dude you got to get this us cd

lea tigre l e

sales so yeah i think maybe i told you already yeah hey

t ig are you twitter recently yeah

dave fucking jam man yeah like punk

chicks punk chicks yeah oh dude i’m all over that

tigre i love chicks with like great voices

like people get my car and like i have cheryl crow on

and they would think it was a joke

like what are you joking like i like this song

it’s good cd

it is her voice is like her voice is like comforting

you know her voice makes you want to like

feel like you’re gonna cuddle up in the corner

in front of the fire

sam mclachen

yeah she’s giving you a big hug with her voice you know

it’s french for the breeders

the what the breeders remember them the ones that sing

that had a big song in 90s i mean last splash

they were like big and then they just went away

yeah i think it’s really hard to keep a

musical band together

you know i know eddie

has a hard time like keeping like he does a

bunch of different projects all at the same time so it

ever has to rely

on any one person

right and he runs all of them

it’s gotta be

super hard to keep a

bunch of people who are like

wanting to be stars and wanting to

you just can’t

wait to get rich and get nutty and fucking lose

their marbles and

think that they’re

the reason why this band’s there in the first

place and how many arguments like that happen in bands

you know yeah

they’re all nuts they all

want to be the

alpha it’s so very rare that a band

can really you know like a

foo fighters band or something like that

could really

come together and just be this just badass band

and keep it together and make good

music so hard

you know it seems like bands bands are good for like

they’re good for like a couple of cds

and that just gets rough

for most of them

the rare few can just keep jamming

on you know

the rare few like the rolling

stones just keep it together forever

that’s nuts

yeah like they don’t go out like

the crazy thing

about the rolling

stones is they’re

going out like a

young rock band

like they fucking

you know mick jagger

still bounces around on

stage and yelling and shit

like he’s in incredible

shape you know

that’s the amazing thing

about how the

stones are doing it

it’s not like he’s just you know

decided in his

later years just gonna

stand there and sing the song he’s

still fucking running around

and he still takes his

shirt off and shit and

he looks like a

monster you know

looks like a

bunch of knees yeah

it’s like he just

glued a bunch of knees like

put the fucking lotion in the

basket guy made it

yeah it’s hilarious

man but he’s got like a six pack of shit

you know yeah the dude has to be in like insane

shape to do that act

that’s that’s incredible man

look jagger

still keeping it out there

yeah so is uh what’s his name

springsteen

and all those guys

springsteen

yeah yeah he’s

still out there

doing crazy four hour concerts and shit

you know what man

those guys have people that

love them there’s people there’s people that have fans

and then there’s

people like

bruce springsteen

that have people that worship him and live

for the fact that

bruce springsteen

is alive and

their whole day

revolves around springsteen

and they probably post on a message

board somewhere

and their message

board name is probably like bee springsteen

or something like that you know i’m saying

or some obscure nickname that they know

that bruce springsteen

had when he was younger that they

dropped after a

while you know i’m saying

you know the fucking

the long island expressway whatever the fuck it

would be you know whatever they

would call them

people get nutty man

you know people get naughty

about people

especially jersey guys

he’s from fucking jersey

bruce banks he’s from jersey

still lives in jersey he loves jersey

they get fucking crazy

people are so

crazy they’re

savages they’re

savages that’s why i was born by the way don’t get

angry i’m talking

about me i just saw

kitchen nightmares

that was in jersey

and like the

whole family was just out of

their minds dude

they’re some of the

toughest guys that

fight in the

ufc or from jersey really

frankie edgar jim miller dan miller

those guys are all jersey guys they’re fucking savages

they’re different kinds of dudes they will

fight you they will fucking

punch you in the head

it’s like this it’s a totally different type of

human being

than like the average dude that grows up like in

california people are so much more

relaxed in california

so much friendlier so much nicer

jersey people will

punch you in your fucking head

it’s not all of them

you know and they’re

not bad guys they’re not you know they’re not mean

there just is a

level of tension

in certain towns philly’s another one there’s a

level of tension in philly

you know that

the dudes who come out of there are

you know so many badasses come out of philadelphia

boxers joe frazier came out of philadelphia

bernard hopkins come out of philadelphia

and mma got

eddie alvarez

comes out of philadelphia

and philadelphia is filled with fucking animals

you know that’s that’s a

crazy ass tough town

it’s weird how there’s towns like that

isn’t it there’s certain towns that just have like

like you know no one

thinks of like san francisco is being like

aggressive you know

you know i’m saying like

it’s like that’s like kind of a

relaxed town

you’d almost feel

like if you got mugged san francisco you’re a pussy

but no this is like regular

people in san francisco there’s violence there too

but some places just way more violent right

yeah columbus you grew up in columbus ohio

yeah was that

was it tense in the winter

no not really but the

worst is i like cleveland

like cleveland’s getting bad in but michigan

driving through michigan to go to the casinos

that was scary

like cars on fire and

houses they got

bears walking

through detroit

yeah they spotted

bears in the city of detroit there’s so many abandoned

houses that bears are

starting to move back around

that’s nuts yeah

bears in detroit wow

that’s some

spooky shit man that’s like one of my bits

it really is that’s like the bit i have about the

the dumb people

out bringing

smart people

smart people die off and

everything shuts down

and then the dumb people are

stuck there but is in this case

it’s poor unfortunate people that were

actually born in this one town it’s happening so fast

you know detroit is falling

apart like this insane rate

and it’s not getting any better it’s like

they say that it’s over 50

joblessness in detroit

because they

report like 20 something percent but the rest of them

are just people who have stopped they stopped

counting them

after a year

it’s crazy man

scary you know

we used to make the coolest

fucking cars ever

if you compare just on a coolest factor

like some of

the cars that america was making in like 1969

and then like alfa romeo

those gay looking

pieces of shit

those goofy looking clunk boxes

take a 1967 corvette over all

those bitches

you know america was making some radical

fucking cars man

sixty seven vet

sixty nine camaro

those fucking

making pretty good pretty good cars are

starting to a jk just got news

today that she has two recalls on her toyota

and and and

she’s like holy shit i have one of these cars

and there she’s

like what am i supposed to do and they’re like

well you know just

drive careful and

and she’s like whoa

have you heard that get

stuck on the gas

they’re not even saying that there’s

some people that are saying that whatever programming

is steve wozniak

i said that he’s figured out that it’s a software

error oh my

and so now we’re

thinking wait

our cars would go

crazy over software now oh my god

you got pc in your car now it’s got a virus

and now i can control your car and lock the doors oh my

god i didn’t even

think about that somebody

could bluetooth your fucking car yeah

and it hack your car you can

drive up right next to you

they can hack your car

lock the doors like mission

impossible style

shut off the

brakes yeah

wonder what the

fuck they can do to stop shit like that from happening

dude that’s craziness

i didn’t even

think about that and did you hear that 911 call

of the people that

we’re in one of the cars that led to the recall

there’s a 911 call that you can listen to

where the guys like hi

we’re going down the freeway we’re

going about 120

our brakes aren’t working we can’t turn off the car and

we’re going towards the end of the freeway and

we’re going through an intersection

like family of four

that all want to hear about this it’s awful

all because of this toyota bullshit i don’t even

wanna hear about this man

yeah that’s

scary as fuck man yeah

check out google

nine one one call toyota recall jesus

well i have a lexus

i mean lexus is made by toyota

right i think actually it was a lexus that

jesus have you

checked to see if your cars are on a recall

list no you better do it right now

jessica just did it

today two recalls on her car get the fuck out i

swear to god i’m not doing it with lexus and the

lexus was the one that was in that car accident

what yeah i’m pretty sure

here let’s google that

lexus 911 call 12 toyota

lexus it’s a mat recall it’s a mat

they’re not saying anything about a software

thing no steve wozniak pull up the link where wozniak

said that about a song

it was on in gadget yesterday

let’s post it

up for people because this is kind of important okay

otherwise we

could get in

trouble all right

not really but okay

can we not for sale

have he said that if he didn’t no

no he could say he fucking says he likes to suck

cock how do you

not say that see you just made something out about him

you can’t be saying that i didn’t make that up brian

i’m talking about

steve woznik my dog

is your dog you guys tight

yeah i didn’t know boo my dog

seen that they added

multi touch to the that new

google phone yeah

just like an iphone does the same

thing yep it’s

about time now

nobody owns the

right to do that

nobody owns that supposedly

apple had the us patent

night so what are they selling it’s all

these people i’d probably

but i don’t know if that’s all

speculation

actually it’s probably gizmodo

that had it

you can’t find it you

motherfucker watch

google it’s just gizmo gizmo

google it bitch

this is ridiculous

this is no way to run a fucking internet show

ladies and gentlemen

well we’re gonna find out which cars were

we’re recalled

and then whether or not

steve woz nag actually said it was a software

issue yeah that’s scary really pissed

that’s scary shit cuz that guy’s a

super genius one of the guys who helped create apple

you know and

you know that’s not something that eric

would say lightly okay

toyota to borrow steve wozniaks prius for a week no

that’s not it

there oh no that’s software duplicate

that’s it yep toyota prius has

scary software program he can duplicate

to the crowd of own tissue

acceleration problem the prius

oh it’s not

under a recall

this is software it’s not a bad accelerator pedal

it’s very scary whoa

toyota has had

toyota has this accelerator problem we’ve all

heard about

i have many models

a prius that got recalled but i have a new

model didn’t get recalled this model

has an accelerator that goes wild

but only under certain

conditions of

cruise control and i can repeat it over and over

again safely

whoa holy shit where

that’s fucking terrifying that’s what’s the

greatest thing

about old cars old cars are fucking terrible to

drive like my old 1970 barracuda yeah

but there’s something

about old cars

where there’s no computer running nothing

there’s like a

direct experience between you and the engine you know

you know i’m saying like

the old the

sound of the engine everything

about it connected to the car it was all connected

there ain’t no fucking computers

gonna save you bitch

it’s just a car

you better not get crazy

you better not

think you can

take that turn

too quick and

the wheels will lock up on the outside so you’ll be all

right no you’re fucked man

there’s not

gonna save you

one of the many reasons

not to buy a prius you know what’s really interesting

i think it was a prius

that they did

they did this because a prius is a hybrid right

yes yeah that was a prius then

they took a prius

this is what they did this on top gear that

fucking awesome car show on the

bbc if you haven’t seen it’s like

you could get it on

bbc on like you get in

directv they have like

bbc america

and it’s a it’s an awesome car show and

they did this test

where they took

a prius and they ran it around a

track as fast as it could go

as fast as they

could get it to go around the track

and they followed it with a bmw

m3 which has a big v8

and they found out that

the bmw all the bmw had to do was to stay

at the same pace as

the prius just keep up with it that’s all it had to do

well when they

measure the

miles per gallon

the bmw got more

miles per gallon than the prius

it’s like when you

drive it fast

it’s like it’s a

piece of shit

yeah it’s like

yeah there’s no reason

there’s no reason to

on the long run the

price also costs so much more

money that you’ll be

spending on the car that

it’s not even

worth the money you save on gas it’s

gross they’re

gross looking too

and it was i

think they said it was like the difference from

like the prius was only getting like 14

miles per gallon

and the bmw

got like 17 or 18

yeah by the way i posted the

don’t be on

those numbers

steve was in the act

video i posted at my twitter

which is backslash

redband well i’m

gonna retweet

retweet my shit

retweet like a

motherfucker you know how we do

and what’s awesome

weird i’m talking

about the ipad now

so a manufacturer

that’s going to

fix ipads he has a company that like fixes

iphones fixes

like a third

party warranty guy did you

tweet that yeah

i just oh he just got it

he just got

just now i don’t see it

just because you’re using that oh

go to my twitter page

god damn it

do it how you’re supposed to do it

that’s gross you need a twitter page

if you don’t use tweet deck man you live in so 2009

i don’t tweet that much oh yeah whatever

lies i forget what i was saying

yeah because you’re stoned

oh so this ipad manufacturer that

is going to fix ipads he fixes iphones

just got a shipment of replacement bezels for the ipad

so if he ever has to replace that

and it has a spot for a camera in it

damn and that the software has

caused to a camera and all this

other things so the ipad

might not even be done with the ipad like it’s

gonna come out with a camera and all

these other

things probably damn

that’s what it looks like

so this is just the beginning

so the first one is just this plain the

first one was not finished is what a lot of people are

thinking like

it was like a prototype because that’s why it’s two

months away and

stuff they were

still really

this is all this

sounds like some fucking conspiracy type

some marketing shit to probably

think probably

why would you do that though why

would you release a crappy one

or you got a crappy one people are

gonna be talking about it

every time there’s like a new

rumor you know like oh now it has a

hmm well maybe they’ll hold off for a few

months and then come out with

a version too

maybe they’ll do that but if they’re

doing anything

like the iphone it’s probably once a year

yeah they got it down man they got people their bitches

apple has more people their bitches

than any other company in the

world did you see the spy shot of the next iphone

which is funny because i was just

thinking how i’m a little bit of an apple

bitch i’m gonna be honest with you

they got me a little

i get all all fucking hyped up and i

found out they have a new announcement

i get fired up

and i don’t remember the last time i ever got

fired up for anything that microsoft makes

it’s funny because

these photos i get released like this

photo the next iphone is so

awful it could be just like a box on the ground

and it’s like people are

freaking out

about this you know what’s really

funny people yeah what is that

what that is

what would people are hilarious

about that looks like an iphone

and people retarded i know um

who gives a shit whether you use windows or mac

everybody gets nutty

that’s what’s really

crazy about all this shit is that

people pick teams

you know they’re on team windows or team mac like

what the fuck do you care like really wanna

why do you why does everybody want everybody else

using the same

shit yeah it’s if you

don’t prefer it that’s fine i don’t give a fuck i have

taken pictures and had a

picture online

you know of me on a laptop and you see the little

apple thing

joe what the

fuck didn’t know you use mac so gay like what

you’re upset at the choice of computer i make

yeah like what

weird what i’m on the

wrong computer team really we have computer teams

we team up for

everything we are fucking dumb

goddamn people are dumb we

argue over fucking operating systems

people get mad if you choose

the wrong brand of car

like there’s dudes who get mad at

their buddies for buying chevys

the fuck bro ford for life

yeah we afford for life bro we were ford for life

those dumb assholes

they have like the

picture of the

calvin and hobbes

peeing on the chevy logo

you know and it’s weird

things there’s just certain

things that are like like coke and pepsi

do you like

pepsi what the fuck

what the fuck is

wrong with you is there a

definitive difference between the two of them who cares

to have a fountain

when you go to like a sub shop

and you get you know you got

right in the fountain

that could be anything yeah

that’s not diet coke what

the fuck is that sir it doesn’t

taste like anything like diet coke yeah

it’s like there’s a certain amount of

sweetener certain amount of

color and you shut the fuck up and drink it

right you know that’s pig

slop man that’s

some shit you only

drink cause you’re

starving or you’re drunk

yes motherfuckers people are so goddamn dumb

us included sometimes but not as much

not as much as last year

moving forward for the future

always trying to evolve hey ho

did you see that video of this somebody filmed of the

space shuttle blowing up yeah it’s pretty trippy

those two old george something

weird there joe trouble

i got something hanging up in the no

when it exploded in the sky

and started spinning around separate pieces

that’s not trouble no

oh it’s split into like a heart

brighter than usual

guys sound like chimney cricket i know

haley pinocchio

you’re gonna get in trouble

you’ve got to go to school a scorpio

come here and look at this is that trouble in this car

what a horrible challenge

my handkerchief there was like a fee the woman not to

belittle the challenger exploding i remember i was

watching that i was at this girl’s house

i was like it was nineteen eighty

six so i was it wasn’t at eighty six yeah i was no

it was like nineteen years old

completely lost it

no idea what i was doing my life

i had a hard time getting laid

very difficult so this ex

girlfriend who

lived like an hour and a half away

and i was talking on the

phone and we’re talking dirty

and she wanted me to

drive up to

visit her and

it was such a fucking long

drive and it

was the winter it was snowing out and i’m an

idiot i went out there and

completely forgot what i was talking

about how high am i

you’re watching challenger so we’re

what so we’re sitting there and we’re sitting there

in front of

television in the morning

and she goes to the bathroom

and i turn on the tv and

right when i turn on the tv it fucking exploded

it was that second wow

right when i turned on the tv

they were showing and i don’t know if it was a replay

i don’t think it was

it’s hard to remember

but i remember like

very clearly at the moment i turned on the tv the

image of the

thing exploding was happening

right there

and you were

seeing it spiral and you like what the fuck is that

it was like a

weird like what is that

what’s going on over there

and then people

start talking

about it and then it took like a

while before

they just flat out

admit it okay everybody’s dead like

that shit just blew up

like i think for a

while they were like

you know wondering

whether or not the people had survived if the

capsule had made it to

the ground you know they’re looking for parachutes and

shit there was all sorts of different kind of reports

but i remember

thinking holy shit

those people just got shot through the fucking air and

exploded in the sky

what a crazy way to go

what a crazy

thing to do

you know it’s so

weird when i saw it

i saw it with a

bunch of people and we all had to

watch tv because we were

in middle school

and it happening i

wouldn’t start crying and i just remember

like oh what’s

going on and the

teachers were all

freaking because

you couldn’t like just text your mom like hey mom

do you know what happened

so you had to get like

these birds and tide messages to

grab a runner

a man who swift afoot

knows the way home

here’s the letter

quickly run

it’s amazing how back in the day you just had no

communication with friends and family

you called people

and if you got

a hold of them you got a hold of them yeah

if you didn’t

i mean it must have been so easy to get away with

everything back then

tell everything i was

thinking about having

sex who you

were when i was a

teenager i would have sex in public

places because

i wasn’t allowed to have

sex at home so i’d go to like behind little caesars

pizza and fuck behind beside the dumpster

one time this guy came out was like

shocked like he worked at

pizza place he goes oh i’m

sorry you want some

pizza because

he thought we were homeless or something oh my

god but i’m

thinking nowadays you on the ground

lying yeah laying

on her it was just like

god but but now ground on the dirt did we

do a movie theater

all the time i

could just get her to like

climb on top and you go see fern golly

you know because no one else is there

during the day

watching fern

golly bigger

in the back half of fern

golly having sex

but nowadays

can you imagine

i can’t do that because it’ll be filmed and on youtube

on you porn

is like everyone is

filming and shit

i wonder if kids are having a hard time finding

places to have sex without like cameras or being caught

yeah it’s not like nice to be

you know what’s really fucked up is this

whole sexting

thing with young kids

and what’s happening if you don’t know is that

these young kids are sending you know you give a

13 year old a cell

phone they’re

gonna take pictures of

their dicks you know

they’re gonna

send it to girls

girls are gonna take

pictures of

their pussy they’re

gonna send it to boys

high school

musical girl there’s always

gonna be one

freak bitch in the

class that’s willing to take it to the next level

all right there’s always one girl

whose dad just

was not around and she needs male attention

and she needs it extremely bad and she’s willing to

fucking look

out we are so

lucky because my shit

would have been

everywhere there

would be live

video of me just having

sex on webcams

you know it gets pretty crazy

like you get pretty crazy

you know it’s just really

wrong that kids

when you know you’re that

young you make all kinds of fucking mistakes people

they do all kinds of

stupid shit you’re dumb

the fact that

kids today like what anything you say and do back then

is like that shit is like a record forever

you know any any blog you

write any myspace

picks you post up

like that shit’s

a record of you for the rest of your life

you know and for some kids

they fuck up and

picture that i’m sucking a dick

and then some dude

who ordinarily

would like really love this chick

but can’t get over the fact that this is

picture that

every one of his friends has

of her sucking her ex boyfriend’s

confidence online

and he just

freaks out he can’t fucking deal with it

and it ruins the relationship

cause this dude can’t deal with the fact there’s a

picture online that anybody could see

right his wife

you know the

mother of his children

supposedly someday

sucking some

other guy’s dick

especially if it’s a

black guy right

then we go back

to the julia

roberts something about it

black eyes hurt

you know black eyes

let’s be honest

you know for the most part except for

i always say brock

lesnar is he he says that brock

lesnar is like a

white guy with

black guys genetics

check this shit out

this is a great

email i got

today for my dad

listen man we’re on a very

tricky subject you just interrupt me when talking

about genetics

black people

until i clarify that i’m not a racist

how dare you

okay it’s very important but it’s

going to go into another medical

thing it’s a

funny thing that you

would think that people

would think that

like saying that a

black eye having a bigger dick and a

black eye being better sexually and

more troublesome to

white dudes

how would that be

racist wouldn’t that be positive for black eyes

could you imagine if people were saying that about you

it’s probably

just why is it racist

though he’s

doing so but there’s a lot of people that if you say

that if you put it that way like there’s people that

think that black eyes being over

sexual or black eyes being

more well endowed

god damn it

hold on

is that your pager making that noise

i don’t have to page anymore son

and keep that shit up for that

what the fuck what the fuck got sucker

put away the whip the combs dead

anyway ladies and gentlemen

what we’re talking about black guys dicks

if you’re not scared

you’re not paying attention go

online there’s some incredible fucking porn out there

where you can’t believe that’s really that guy’s dick

how many black guy

there’s a lot of

it’s fake though like yeah

the dildo yeah

yeah there’s a

lot of them is fake there’s a lot of them that are real

giant dicks

there’s a lot of them dude there’s some dudes like

what’s that guy’s name lexington

steel his dick’s like 14 inches long

and it’s like like an arm

it’s huge it’s gigantic

that’s real

there’s no white guys like that online

you know cause even like john holmes you

wanna go old

school john

holmes had a big dick

but he would like club you with it he wasn’t

stabbing you with it

it was so big it

never totally got hard it was like an elephant’s trunk

it never got hard it was

disappointing

he like this

super hot chicks and they were trying

to suck his dick but he was all heroin doubt this

giant rubber

monster dick

is trying to

snake it in

their mouths you know

it was never like a like a

black guys giant dick

right black guys

giant dick is

that thing’s

gonna do something

some shit’s

going down have you

been to the playboy mansion before

yeah i was there a couple times for the

strike force

fights i went there for once i had to do

a fear factor broadcast it was

early in the morning

for a marijuana project

were you gonna told me that like

everything’s like so antique like the old

very old yeah yeah

there’s something cool about it

i mean there’s something

ridiculous about that they

haven’t upgraded it and change it for them

but there’s something kind of cool

about it too

because if you really stop thinking

about i mean this is just a

party house right

right like isn’t it kind of dope that this

is the same

phone from 1970

i mean it’s a fucking it’s like a rotary

phone and shit man

you know or if it’s a push button

phone i can’t remember if it’s a rotary or push button

but if it’s

push button it’s some old wack ass looking shit

you know but that’s kind of cool

because it makes you

part of his like yeah that’s

you know they

should upgrade

it that’s not even cool anymore that’s just

tired but there’s so much history to it

that it’s almost like a living

museum to like hollywood

you know i mean think

about how many people

partied in that place

you know that’s like where

james khan was always hanging out

holly shore

holly shore

and fucking have you seen the biodome

thing first

is always hanging out there have you seen the biodome

thing that’s been abandoned

by scientists remember that

thing like the

movie the biodome

was all about the indoor

dome that was with polish

or yeah steven yeah

that’s a real dome though that’s

a real bio dome really yeah and now it’s like a banded

and like they showed it and

had to so this is like

where they were doing

experiments or seeing people

could live together in this one

right and they abandoned it

what happened in those

experience i

i don’t know

i thought that was a

funny move at the time i thought bio dome was

funny it was

silly yeah it was funny

andrew dice clay’s old

movie ford farrell

that was funny

where he’s jumping off the

building he’s like my hair my hair

back when that came out i was a dice clay fan

not that i’m not anymore but i am

i am still i

think he’s hilarious he is

i’ve got to see him

i’ve got to see dice the

comic store so many

nights go up and who is

crushing people in the audience he’s a nut

he’s a fun dude

you know i like this

whole thing

like i like his whole

his whole attitude his demeanor

i think he’s hilarious but when i was a kid he was

gigantic there was no comedian the kids were more

excited about when i was a kid than dice clay

when dice clay blew up and when he

started doing like

madison square garden and shit

that’s all anybody talked about dude

there was kids all day in

school everybody be like you know what’s in the bowl

bitch you know people

would say it

everywhere yeah

it was something everybody was doing dice clay lines

you do a good dice clay

i’ve been around him so many years

you know the comedy

story that was one of the craziest

things about

being a kid and being a fan of his and then being

you know then

starting to be an amateur

comedian and then you know doing

getting paid gigs

after a couple of years and then moving to california

years and years

later is that

would go on and i

would have to introduce dice

you know like the comic

store the way it used to work and still does

but the way

it works is each comic

brings up the next comic

so like i got brought on

stage by martin lawrence

it was one of the

first time somebody

famous ever did it

and you know he brought me on

stage and i was like holy shit like martin lawrence

just said my name and brought me i was like to me

that was like a crazy deal

like you know see that guy in tv and

movies and all of a

sudden i’m shaking his hand and

now i gotta go on

stage after him and nobody knows who the fuck i am

but dice clay was the coolest

that was the craziest one ever

that was like

you know getting that who’s next

joe rogan who the fuck is joe rogan

and i don’t

remember how it said it but when he brought me on

stage i was like holy shit

dice fucking clay just brought me on stage

like that was a

to me that was a fun moment that was a

crazy moment comedy you know

when i was a kid that guy was

the most hyped up comic ever

mark gaiden yes you did open up for me in in england

mark hayden is

gonna freak out

he keeps insisting

that this mark gaden guy is not him but

whoever this mark gaden guy is i

think he’s representing mark hayden very well

so i’m gonna keep pretending that he is him

who is joe rogan

you doing stand up in co

before the verses oh who is joe rogan

hmm is that like how

these kids are talking these days

who is joe rogan

is that like a new way of talking to people

that doesn’t make any

sense that sounds cool that does kind of sound cool

you know if

you what is your name dude

carpet version

carpet version

who is copper version

you know if that’s what you say when

you see people instead of like hey what’s up dude say

who is joe rogan

i do in stand up in

colorado yeah i’ll be doing it somewhere

i don’t have anything booked

but i will definitely be there the

night before

whatever the

i think the ufc fights

are on a sunday

night i think

i’m not sure

but whatever whatever

night they’re on

the night before that whether it’s saturday or friday

i’ll be doing stand up

and i’ll put it on twitter

and i’ll let you bitches know

have you heard of the cat that has predicted over 50

deaths in a nursing home

you know what that’s like

that’s like predicting alcoholics are

gonna drink

that’s ridiculous that’s a terrible fucking

prediction no no no tell that

fucking faggot cat

to go predict in i know

what he’s doing he curls up around people when they’re

gonna die yeah

right when they’re

about to die it’s

luck they’re

dying to drop it like

flies are a

thousand years old

they’re a bunch of old people living with

other old people that are

dying it’s not a

fun environment it just goes back that whole

weird thing about how animals

might have senses that we don’t even know

about they might

they might like when that video the dog in the area it

might be or it might be

these people are hanging on by a thread so thin

that when the cat hops in their lap

fuck and i’m doomed

and just kick

the bucket that night

yeah that’s possible too man you

gotta admit it’s impossible

can you discuss

vaporizers i would recommend vaporizers

the volcano

is a very good

one but it’s sometimes kind of a pain in the ass

i mean at the

end of the day you don’t want to be that guy that’s

sucking out of a plastic

bag it just seems like a junkie move i’m not a fan

right it seems like junkie behavior

to be sucking out of a plastic bag

something seems

wrong but there’s another

vaporizer that i enjoy

it’s like a glass pipe

like a like a

glass lip like

sort of like a bong with a tube attached to it

and you stick it on this thing and

yeah that’s cool

right that’s a cool one you know what i like

about that one you don’t need

you don’t need like five friends around you to get high

you know like when

that bag fills up you don’t know when to stop right

you know you keep sucking it in and then

you’re too high and then you’re like i can’t even think

that’s not good

the other vaporizer you can take one hit

and bam and you know what’s up i like that one better

but if you got a

party you got a

bunch of people hanging around

and you’re all medical

patients gravity bongs no

if you got a

bunch of people around then the volcanoes the shed

then it’s perfect because

we’re all being junkies together man let’s

all suck out of this

plastic bag

it’s weird well keep it together yeah there’s something

weird about sucking out of a

plastic bag

to me i’m just like you

know i like a joint just give me a joint that’s cool

i’m a fan of

the joint too you know i like joints because

first of all because you don’t have to keep

lighting it

and i hate the

taste of lighter fluid

yeah you know that shit’s

nasty like if you have a

glass pipe and you keep tasting that

lighter fluid

that shit ain’t good for you no it’s

not especially when it’s like

someone has a zippo

yeah you’re like oh really you got a

that shit ain’t good for you man

i don’t like it i like joints i’m converted joints man

i like that shit with a match

you know if i can

or if i’m doing it with a

lighter i get it real

quick and i let it sit for a

minute and then

i think there’s a residue man that gets on

on the weed with

those lighters and i

think that shit’s bad for you

it’s probably

worse for you

than smoking for some people like for your

lungs it’s got to be very unhealthy man it’s like a

toxic funeral

inhaling you know

that ain’t good you know

there’s no studies done on

how many times you can fucking suck off

lighter fluid

and breathe into your

lungs and not do permanent damage you know

joints bitches

matches and joints stop fucking around matches

the joints or go

with the vaporizer

if you don’t know what the

vaporizer is the beautiful

thing is just don’t fire there’s no

smoke it’s like a mist and what it is is you pack the

the product the marijuana

and put two into this little

filtered area

and then you connect that to this machine

and then it heats up and then

you inhale and it’s

literally like mist and that mist is just the pure thc

it’s a very heady

experience it’s very

like you’ll come up with some of your craziest thoughts

on vaporized weed

except the only

thing crazier

is eating it when you eat it that’s the craziest

i don’t like that anymore

eating it gets

scary we’ve talked

about that ever

heard of nutmeg yeah man

your mama o one

o eight nine

three yeah yeah i

heard you can get high off nutmeg somehow or another

one of the guys on our message aboard hr

i think he did it he

tried it and documented it

he said it was really

trippy and it lasted a long time and it’s kind of gross

i think anything that’s really good

people would be doing it left and

right and i

think there’s plenty of shit to get high on

right you know we don’t

but the one

thing that i

think is interesting

they came up with a new marijuana it’s a

synthetic marijuana

and it gives you like the same

effects as regular marijuana

but you don’t test positive

really yeah and

they’re scrambling

right now and

make it illegal and they call it k2 it’s called k2

named after that mountain

and it’s a synthetic version of marijuana so

if you’re a cop

if you have a government job and you have to

piss test all the time

you could smoke this shit i used

to in ohio had to piss test all the time i go to the

store and buy this shit

and like it was

scary man why

would we be keeping pots from

cops from smoking weed

if anybody should be smoking weed it’s cops

if anybody what

cops should be smoking weed

cops should be

smoking weed

fuck yeah but the people that calm down yeah

these are like calm the fuck down

these are like intense people on weed

you know like

to be a cop you kind of have to be like a

bully like i’m a

soldier not always

i know a lot of guys who became cops

and a lot of them became cops because it’s good money

and they’re

tough guys they

do martial arts and they figure you know what

i can handle most situations

i’m pretty friendly i can handle this this is good

money it’s a good career i

could set myself up

have a nice penchant

you got to look at it realistically people look at it

it’s an economic choice for a lot of people

you know i have a lot of buddies that became cops it’s

an economic choice they just there’s a lot of people

great job man

if you can get into boston police department

that’s good fucking

money you make a nice living

you know you can get some

some detail work you know on the side you know

on weekends and shit like that you pick up big money

you know guarding

places and shit like that and it’s a good job man

it’s not all douchebags

but there’s a lot of

douchebags that work for better cops that if they were

stone would be horrible

maybe not man

maybe they’d be more sensitive it’s got

weeds not for everyone that’s for sure

it’s not it’s not for everyone they don’t have to do it

but i think you know if they wanted to they wanted to

mellow out of the weekend like serpico

remember when serpico got high back in the 70s

cervical didn’t have any

have a drug test for sure

we go out but

you know when

he was a cop he’s just

walking away with his girl

hanging out

just like that

movie super fly

don’t you remember yeah

i’ve never seen superfly

you never seen superfly

ladies and gentlemen if you ever

seen if you only

watch one blaxploitation

movie from the 70s it

should be superfly

it’s one of the most

goddamn brilliant films to have ever been created and

when you’re high it becomes a

motherfucking masterpiece

because it’s real

i mean this is a real move

where they’re playing off real cool cats

and one one time this guy says

you know i got everything

about getting out of the game

i got off the

thing i ever wanted

my haul my vines a

white woman like you

my hall my vines

a white my hall my car my vines my clothes

right and white

women like you wow

it’s genius dude it’s hilarious

it’s such a bad

movie it’s so fucking good

it’s so bad

and so real like you can take like a parody

like airplane

and they’ll be funny

but they’ll

never be as

funny as something that’s supposed to be good

but isn’t and it’s

funny on accident

there’s something

about those that’s like a different kind of funny

you know what i mean

like a holy shit funny

like what the fuck were they

thinking funny

you know and

super fly is one of the best of that like

sort of like show girls is

you know show girls you see show girls

and it’s like what the fuck are they doing this is this

movie crazy

you know and

it’s one of them

what other movies are like that

well i just can’t believe some of the

movies from the 80s i just can’t believe that people

actually bought like you know like the howard the duck

movie i’m like are you serious it’s

a cartoon or

a comic book

those marvel

comics yeah i know but i can’t believe

yeah but he was cool in the 70s man and the cool

in the 80s too when i was a kid i was a howard duck fan

i would buy

howard the duck

comic books yeah that’s

weird i was a

marvel comics fan

and howard the duck was a big part of

marvel comics who

would drift in and out all sorts of

comic books

wow they did a lot i like

cool shit with howard the duck i saw that

movie in the theater

and it was great

because i was

a kid and he was like i remember he pulled out condos

like oh ducky and i’m like

yeah condoms

dude howard the duck was cool when i was a kid

because he was a duck but he was like adult

he would he was like a creepy duck

you know he’s trying to get laid i

never read it dude

how was the duck is dope

i was a huge marvel

comic to me

too i was spider man nicely i

loved the x men

i love spider man the hulk

was a big the hulk fan a big conan the barbarian fan

god damn i love conan

you know i wish someone

would have done

someone would do a real conan

like almost in the

style of gladiator

you know i’m saying like a real high end

not a not a cheese ball one

i think they’re

doing another one but it seems i don’t know

it’s got the rock in it i hate to be prejudiced

oh you mean the

tooth fairy guy

let’s just conan now

and there’s an

image of him

as conan and i mean he certainly looks the part

and who knows

maybe he could pull it off

but there’s a certain amount of

movies when you do a certain amount of kids movies

you know after a

while i just gotta go

well it’s hard for me to

watch you and something

you’re crazy you know

he’s making

crazy money and i just don’t want

it actually did good fake

aggression conan

the barbarian if you ever read the book that

would be awesome and

i was a big fan of the books this guy

robert e howard

wrote them and he was this mad

genius who was

super depressed

wrote all these books and i

think he was only like 36 when he blew his fucking

brains out just couldn’t take it anymore i just

lived a terrible life

lived at his mother was

super depressed

apparently and just wrote

these incredible fantasy books

about you know

far off lands and a fucking conqueror who could

not be beaten with destroyed cut men down

fight monsters and shit

all fucking all

these chicks and

drinking wine and it just

he was just

like a human

but yet hyper

human character

that represented all of this guy’s frustrations

fucking genius

shit man you know

especially if you

think about the fact that guy was writing in the 50s

you know and then they by the time they made it a

movie you know arnold

schwarzenegger was like

damn dude why are you so

big that’s ridiculous

you know what’s the what’s the reason for that

yeah that’s not conan conan is a

conan is more like

a george saint pierre

type build did you like to

man did you

see that’s how

gay more like

james irvin’s

build that would be a good conan yeah

like thick but looks like an athlete you know

like a herschel walker

like herschel

walker yeah how

about that motherfucker

forty seven years old dude

has his first mma

fight beats the shit out some young boy

herschel walkers

forty fucking

seven dude and he looks like a goliath

he still just swole

as fucking chiseled and

just cutting dudes down that guy’s a that’s a

super athlete

they should be saving

his dna i don’t know how many kids that guy’s had

how many kids does he have

does he have kids

i have no idea if he

doesn’t have kids they need to get the guy to

shoot some loads into some

cups for sure

right don’t you

think get him

you imagine if you got

hershel walker

and one of the williams

sisters haha

and you and and they fell in love

and i mean i don’t

know no disrespect to her so i believe he’s married

and i don’t know if the williams

sisters are

married so let’s just hypothetically this is not

real and not in the real

world this is the fake

world nobody get upset

but i’m saying you know you get two

super athletes like that put

their genetics together

would be incredible incredible

like you ever you know who lucia riker is

lucia riker is a female boxer yeah

this chick could

punch like harder than men

she was incredible

she was so good

all the other female boxers

avoided the fuck out of her

this is back in the tonya harding days

this chick was like

leaps and bounds

above other female boxers

she was just a

freak athlete

i don’t remember what

nationality

she was i feel like i

wanna say something

latin american

or she but she was from holland

but i don’t remember what her nationality

of totally guessing

she was a dark skin check

but god damn she was just this fucking

freak athlete

just beat the fuck out of

check she even fought dudes

she got flatline no

she fought a

dude and the dude connected on john just she went

nighty night it was

weird to see man

she was attacking

she was trying to cut this dude down

and the dude just

bang and she just flatline

stiffened up and face

planted yeah

but it looked like before

the flatline like she was getting the best of the dude

the dude just hit too hard

there’s a thing

about bone structure i

think you know like if you

one of things if you meet you

meet a guy like that’s like a big

punch like i met

michael moore

once michael moore was the yeah

boxing heavyweight

champion in the world

and he was the

light heavyweight

champion at one time to for a long time who’s

badass is a

light heavyweight

i just couldn’t keep cutting the weight

he was too big but he was like one of the best light

heavy weights ever

but he’s got like a frame

like you meet that dude his like

frame is heavy

you know his fists are

heavy his shoulders heavy

that’s the type of dude when he hits you it’s just

boom there’s

a so much there’s so much to him you know i’m saying

and a chick

even if a chick is really talented ultimately

they’re not

built the same way

you know so just makes you

think like a

chick like that like a lucia riker you know

matching her up with like an anderson

silva some other

freak athlete you know

oh god damn

i sound like some sort of a genetic engineer

i’m trying to mix

future warriors

it’s gonna happen

it is gonna

be like well you know what’s

gonna happen it’s

gonna happen in a

laboratory before it’s

gonna happen with two people having sex

it’s not gonna happen the old fashioned way

where the gladiator meets the warrior princess

it’s not gonna happen like that

the way it’s

gonna happen now is you

know someone’s

gonna take the attributes you’re

gonna get some

fat dumpy dude

you know who’s

who’s got a little dick

but he’s got a lot of

money cause he’s

crazy and he’s invested all of his time to

learning the

stock market and

swindling people

and he’s gonna have children

that are like

psychotic warrior

genius offspring

cause he’s gonna like

manipulate all his shitty genes and it’s

gonna create some

super offspring

and whines a fucking his

young wife and

killing him brock

lesnar is conan

yeah brock lesnar

is conan that

would be a real conan

yeah that’s a real conan

that’s exactly what i’m talking

about like brock

lesnar is like

did somebody put that up there

yeah whoever

put that up there we lost already

money in japan yeah yeah

money japan that’s your correct sir that’s the perfect

build that’s what you’re talking about

just a big giant

motherfucker

doesn’t look like a bodybuilder

looks like a dude who’ll smash you

you know like the best fighters

i want to say

all of them but most of them don’t look that ripped

you know i think when you accept george

st pierre he’s fucking chiseled

but like bj when is in his best shape

he still has like a good

layer of fat on him and bj i

think also has

thick skin too

i think that’s one of the reasons why bj

doesn’t cut that easy you know

nobody’s got like a

tougher face than bj bj will

fight like a five

round fucking war

and come out of it like a couple of scratches like it’s

crazy yeah you know

i mean it ain’t just that

he’s fucking awesome

which it is

i mean he is but

there’s something

about that dude’s genetics you know

everybody’s got different genetics man

that’s one of the most amazing

things about life

is the variation amongst

human beings

i mean we vary so much more than any

other animal

if you look at like

the only animal that comes

close is dogs and dogs

supposedly are like that because we engineered them

you know which makes you

wonder what the fuck made so many people so different

because we vary so much

you mean the fact that a chinese midget

could have sex with shaquille o’neal

and make another baby

and that baby

would look like a combination of those two

and there’s that much variation

between like

pygmies and

women from iceland

you know like

sylvester stones ex wife

bridgette nielsen

the big giant icelandic nordic looking chick

you know the that

that her and flavor

flav they can have

babies you know they can

i mean they’re so different there’s so much diversity

there’s no other animal like that

except dogs

you know rhinos

that look like

rhinos you know i’m saying

some fish look different

you know you get a

smallmouth bass

fuck so a largemouth bass they get

crazy to get

freaky with it

you know and you get a hybrid that’s possible

tigers and lions make lagers

but for the most part man

human beings are we’re the most diverse we’re a

weird fucking species

it’s kind of incredible too when you

think about the fact there’s so many of us

we think there’s so many humans you would

think by now we’d all be a big fucking blurry mess

it’s crazy when you see countries like

asian countries

where almost everyone

has a very similar appearance

almost everyone has dark hair

almost everyone is

within a certain

height it’s changing now

like in japan they’re making big giant dudes now

big giant athletic dudes

a lot of them are changing their diet too i

think it has something to do with that

look at you you

motherfucker what kind of show we running here man

the phone ringing how dare you

how dare you

do do do do do

what is this guy saying

do do do do

fish i fuck talk

ladies and gentlemen what does that mean sir

i shouldn’t encourage that guy he’s fucking not

why are you encouraging him joe talk

about nabiru

um haha listen folks

i’m gonna tell you right now the bureau

is not gonna save you

okay it’s not happening it’s not

it’s a myth

not the bureau

is a myth i don’t know if the bureau is the

truth but there’s

some there’s something that we have in our head

about someone coming down and fixing

everything and

i don’t think that shit’s happening

i think we’re looking for

daddy to come down and

throw down the rescue boat

and pull us out of this mess

and i think that’s why

people look at if you don’t know what nubiru is there’s

people that believe that there’s a planet

that’s in an elliptical orbit

and every 3

600 years it

travels between mars and jupiter

travels like very

close to earth or between us and mars rather

and this gigantic huge planet is responsible for

many many catastrophic events in

earth’s history

and it’s also responsible for

these beings

called the anunnaki to come from this planet and

go on earth and create

human beings with genetic engineering

i mean it’s some fascinating shit it’s all

from the sumerian text and the

sumerian text is the oldest known

written language

it’s like it’s called

cuneiform and they

write it in

these like little

weird strokes

and they’re

one of the oldest

civilizations that we know of

they had the first

astronomy the

first astrology including

they had detailed

just depictions of the

solar system

with like planets

in all the right orbits

they had like mars and they had

pluto they even had pluto

we didn’t know

about pluto

until 1970 and they had a drawing of pluto

that was carved in a

stone or that was rolled onto a tablet

six thousand years

ago five thousand years ago i mean it’s really really

crazy stuff

and when this guy’s zachariah sitchin

and this is

where it gets controversial

because some guys who are

scholars who are

language scientists and guys who are

you know archaeologists

breaking down

ancient languages and trying to

figure out the roots of

the word they don’t necessarily believe that citian is

right and they

think that maybe he’s

leapt left to some

conclusions and his

depictions i don’t know

i have no knowledge

when it comes to foreign languages so i don’t

understand the argument so

i see it back and forth

it’s fascinating to me it’s interesting you can’t

prove it who

the fuck knows but what is interesting is that

culture the

sumerian culture is

crazy they had the

first everything the

first mathematics

they had the

first use of the wheel

what the fuck bro shut your shit off man

jesus how dare you anyway

who the fuck knows

what’s more fascinating than

this idea of a planet because

there’s not enough evidence there’s another planet

but there is enough evidence that

these people back then 6 000 years ago

had some amazing

view of the world

they had some

amazing technology

they knew about the dna

the double helix of the dna that was

their sign for

medicine their sign for pharmacy

they drew a caduceus which they

still use today

as a sign of

medicine that’s

crazy shit man

they had all

these depictions of

there was like

large people

with small people in

their laps and the

small people had tails

and you know

the people that look at

these go look this is genetic engineering

the giants they made in the monkey to

the dna of the

alien they created this hybrid

maybe maybe they just

drawn a fucking big guy with a

monkey in his lap and make the

monkey like curious george and look like a person

you know what the fuck man

how do you how can

you tell me that that’s exactly what that is i mean it

could be like

their cartoon

this is their little character

this is the the crazy

monkey that looks like a

human once asked

stupid questions

sit in my lap and

that could be it right

i forgot what you’re i can’t

be rude bitch

you don’t even pay attention to me anymore did you guys

show you guys

so deep in the

stuff that like halfway through i’m like alright just

my brain is can’t even

catch up anymore well

to be honest with you half the time i don’t know what i

started talking

about by the time i get to the end

what i found is that i’m a conduit

ladies and gentlemen

these thoughts come to me and i just have to let it go

that sort of

sounds faggy

it sounds completely faggy but that really is the

truth you know

the better i get at comedy the more i

feel like i’m not really responsible for what i’m doing

it’s like i gotta just

do the work i gotta

write and i gotta

perform enough

but when i get it

when i nail

it whatever it is that when i tune back into the

frequency whenever it is i just ride it

it’s almost like the easiest

thing in the world

like it’s difficult to maintain

it’s you gotta maintain your enthusiasm and

maintain your writing and maintain your performing

but when you’re in that groove

when you lock in and it’s the fucking show it’s fun bam

when that’s

going on that’s

just a ride you just riding a ride you’re not

you’re not doing anything

i don’t feel like it’s like if i dig a hole

in the dirt

in the backyard i feel like i just did something

you know i started that fucking hole it sucked

every dig but i got to the end

i get this feeling of satisfaction

when i got off

stage i never have like a feeling of satisfaction

i always have a feeling it whoo that was crazy yeah

yeah it’s like like a road something

like i just got off a

crazy ride you know

you know like

i’ll be like wow that was fun

that was that was a cool set that was a

great audience

but i never feel like i just did anything

i always feel like i just rode a crazy ride

you know that’s what it feels like

you know it’s like you have to

do it enough so that you’re comfortable enough

so that when you get up

it’s all smooth you know

you’re all it’s all fun you know what you’re talking

about you know what you want to say you know

and you’re working on what

you want to say all the time so that it’s always fresh

so it’s always

relevant in your mind so the enthusiasm is there

and if the enthusiasm is there

and then the audience is enthusiastic and then you lock

those things together

and then you just ride it and once you get the

laugh start

going you just

start riding it and so much fun

it’s like you’re skiing downhill

i think you’re

gonna get a segway

on your yeah

i really want to go with it did you live

in mountains you can be like all up in the mountains

chasing coyotes

i want to be able to jump off

right and quick you

gotta get a second

i had a crazy

jaguar dream last

night really

i had a dream that

jaguars big ones are trying to

break into my

house i’m having

a very strange

apocalyptic

dreams lately really no not serious ones

cause i survived the apocalypse

like the real

apocalyptic dream

is everything ends

i think i’ve been having

dreams pretty much at all lately or

ones that i remember

for some reason yeah i get

every now and then i get these

the system fails

dreams you know right

every now and then like some mad max type shit

and maybe it’s just because all

these assholes are

screaming the sky is falling

you know one of the

things that was really interesting i was

listening to some

recordings of hunter s thompson

speaking at the

university of colorado

and like it was like 1974

and he was talking

about you know

like the cfr

you know which is like supposedly the

group of people that control the

world you know

the global bankers the

bilderberg group that type of shit

and he was talking about

you know like what’s

going on overseas and what the united

states is up to and

how corrupt the political

system is and how it’s probably

you know if it goes this way much longer the country’s

gonna fall apart

but then you look at it like

30 years later

it’s like still the same shit yeah

it’s still the same shit

right it’s like is it getting any

worse well there’s more people so it seems to

accelerate a little bit because there’s more activity

there’s more humans

but it all seems to be

going along the same lines

you know the sky is falling

crazy shit like really

i mean what takes something big man

if it takes something big you’re probably

gonna be dead anyway

the sky is really

gonna be falling it takes like a meteor we need

a volcano like a yellowstone

which by the way

ready for this

this is january 17th

there’s been over 1

600 earthquakes in yellowstone

wow what the

fuck it’s coming

if you don’t know yellowstone is a

giant volcano see

nobody ever

taught me this in

school they ever

teach you this in

school do you remember this

yeah do you yeah the caldera

with the yep

the whole volcano

thing that it’s

gonna blow yeah yeah

i think it’s

weird when you

live there too it’s like you’re a lot of people

can’t live there because they’re in constant fear of it

how could you not i forget who it was i

think it was a

adam corolla or somebody

or was talking

about when i was in high

school i don’t well

i’m older than you how old are you

uh thirty don’t tell

these people though

they’re cruel

so i’m seven i’m

seven years

older than you

so you have to

think about it like if we were

in high school like i was in high school

earlier than you

they probably didn’t even know yet

because one of the

things they found out

about with these

yellowstone

is they had

satellite images

and when they took the

satellite images that’s when they realized that

what they were dealing with was

a caldera which was a volcano that was so explosive

that the top

literally disappeared

like be like hawaii

but hawaii fucking explodes

and it’s just flat

i mean that’s how big this volcano is it’s

three hundred

miles across

that’s insane

and when it blows up you imagine

three hundred

miles of explosion

straight up into the air

lava everything

would be okay here

no we’d be fucked

the whole continent

would be fucked

we’d be fucked but we

would have like a good like

one hour slow lava or

no it wouldn’t be lava you’d be fucked because the ash

would rain and fuck

everything up it

would kill animals

it would pollute the

water supply

so it would fuck

everything man you

think about

it it’s like

heavy heavy

like soot is like snow

okay except it’s much heavier

so roofs would collapse

so you would get like

two three feet of soot that

would come down

and even if you stayed inside your

house and relaxed your house

would very likely get

crushed from this fucking soot

because this soot

would be thousands and thousands of

pounds on your roof

so it’s gonna cave your fucking

house in you can’t breathe outside

the sky is filled with soot

you don’t understand

everywhere and it’s

heavy thick shit

volcanic ash

soot you’re fucked

you’re fucked

and it covers the continent

it comes over us like it said yeah about

the volcano how long

does it do you have any idea they don’t have any idea

well they know that there’s been

smaller ones

where it’s just killed a lot of things

and then there’s been

these gigantic

earth shattering ones

every six to

eight hundred thousand years

and the last time there was one was 600 000 years ago

what if it was something like

it wouldn’t hit you for like a week

and so you just

had to slowly get out

and people were saying what the fuck

would you do you

would have to

leave the continent

i think you

could be okay if you

could get off in

north america because

you could go to europe

even if you

knew that shit was

going down and you

could get on a plane

and fly to england

just take your family

a crazy movie

like evacuating the

whole united states

well you know there’s a

there’s a rock

shelf in africa

that if it breaks off like it’s

that they have

these underwater

these underwater landslides

occur where

these big shelves of

these mountains fall off and it’s happened

thousands of times throughout history

well if this one

particular rock

flat this whole area which they

predict one day will

break off and go into the

ocean this one particular

side of a mountain

if it does that

it’s gonna create a

gigantic tsunami

that engulfs the

whole east coast of the united

states like

miles in it’s just

gonna just miles in

water i mean it’s just a gigantic

chunk of rock

pouring into the ocean

and these fucking waves are like a mile high

just gonna roll in and wreck

everything it’s

gonna be insane

or it’s just

gonna be mildly

irritating you

know it’s gonna be insane

it’s gonna be insane and it’s probably

gonna happen

yeah you know i mean it

might not happen in our lifetime

but you can’t say odds are so

against it they’re not though

they probably are there’s so many things

but there’s so many

things dude there’s so many different

things the odds aren’t against it

if you look at all of them together the odds aren’t

against it because

if you look at

meteors man they don’t know when the fuck

those are coming

they have no idea how many asteroids are out there

how many big

chunks of fucking rock and

metal and iron or flying through space

and any one of

those could jack us

and they’ve

happened so many times over history it’s been proven

there’s so many planets that are scattered with

craters there’s no way we can predict it

i mean they could

monitor the sky and hope they

catch most of them

but there’s always ones that are

sneaking right by us that we miss

it’s happening left and

right man well

what the fuck

that’s the government man

can you guys

still hear us

let’s start recording hmm

well refresh your browser

refresh that

i don’t even know what the fuck we’re talking about

this is interrupting my flow ladies and gentlemen

on a long time

scale everything is inevitable yeah that’s that’s

that’s really that dude just nailed it on the head

that guy money japan again money japan for the win

motherfuckers

money japan two good quotes

if he lives in

japan he’s money

yo money money money

have you talked to

eddie about being in japan and how cool it was

no he just got back last night i haven’t seen him yet

i’d love to get to japan yeah

he’s been in japan though

when he used to work for pride

where did my japan say

yeah a long time

scale everything

is inevitable that’s what people have to realize like

we know for sure that

human beings have

a lifespan all

right you’re gonna die

as much as you plan for the future it’s we’re gonna die

we know that planets

have a lifespan as much as you plan for the future

fucking sons eventually run out of energy it

might take billions of years but

it’s gonna happen

and what we have to

worry about is not just that not just

earthquakes not just

super volcanoes not just meteors

we have to worry

about gamma ray

explosions we have to worry

about like supernovas

that happen out in

space that make

these giant gamma ray

bursts and fucking

flood the earth

crushing all our communication

systems crushing all our satellites

breaking everything

no wireless internet

no oprah everything

shuts the fuck down i mean that shits all possible

giant crazy

solar flares

there’s a lot of shit that

could fuck human beings up

you know there’s a lot of shit

you know and they say that the the

polar ice caps have

shifted more than once

in the past and they also say that

ten thousand years ago during the last ice age the

north american continent like

half of it was

under a mile of ice

i mean north america was fucked up dude it was all ice

you know i mean that’s

crazy shit that’s only 10 000 years ago man

crazy things can happen if

how would we stop

north america from turning all ice

again if the

earth got that cold

again what the fuck

would we do

what would we do turn on the heat

what the fuck

would we do

what would we do

if all the sudden

north america

started turning into a fucking

mile high sheet wall of ice but

odds are dinosaurs

would come back first

why why do you say that i don’t know what

listen brian you can’t say that

because what makes

these climate changes is very mysterious

most likely have nothing to

worry about

maybe yes most likely

but there’s been some gigantic

things have that’s

the problem

i’m just i could

i could freak out

about that shit or i

could just be like hey let’s talk

about real things that are

freaking me out that’s true

i gotta pay my bill tomorrow

and do this

i think people

avoid it though i

i think people

it’s not just the fact that people choose not to think

about it i think they

typically avoid it

so they don’t ever have to

think about

like the real big

picture the real big

picture is very frightening to a lot of people

you know there’s the big

picture like what are you

gonna do with your life and

you know you’re

gonna get married you’re

gonna have kids you’re

gonna get a good job you’re gonna

you know be able to put your kids to college

that’s the real

picture and then the big picture

and the big

picture is what the fuck are we doing

you know we’re involved in

two wars it’s

2010 this is the

age of information we see

everywhere that we’re being fucked left and right

you know that

your bailout

money is going to

these corporations the corporation ceos are taking

hundreds of millions of dollars in payouts for

bonuses and all this insanity and you’re like

what fucking

bonus like that they used united

states taxpayers

money to bail out the company

and now they get to get

money they get

bonuses big giant

checks for what for fucking up

like what kind of a criminal organization is this

and we’re accepting it

what the fuck is this country running under

that’s part a

of the big picture

and then part b of the picture is

what the fuck we’re in space

that’s the crazy one

the part b is

we are we are on a planet

and this planet is one of

an infinite amount of planets and an infinite amount of

solar systems and an infinite amount of galaxies

spread throughout an infinite amount of

space and that

space and the

universe itself may be some sort of a geometric pattern

that duplicated

models get on the space

thing well that’s the most amazing

thing i do always get on a

space thing

but it’s because i get on the

space thing in life

when i think

about life when i think

about anything when i

think about

obama talking

about gays in the military we must repeal

don’t ask don’t tell

finally gay people go to die too

like this is nuts like you

know what who the fuck wants to be in the military now

like at this

point in time they’re saying to him

you know like look

okay we need gay people let’s just be cool

about this and

gay people just

we’re running out of people who want to

join the military let’s get some gay people in it too

right you know

the military i

think in our

grandparents era

you know i think they were

you know they were at least

less under the illusion

that they were getting fucked you know

i’ve talked to

so many dudes that come back and are so disillusioned

you know that pat tillman guy

that’s the best example ever

there’s a dude who’s a

nfl football star

who decides that he wants to go

fight for his country the

noblest of virtues

you know for a man

to want to represent his country in a time of need

to realize that he has to step up

that there are certain times in history

where men have to do

things and fuck all

the glory from being an nfl player he’s

going to do the

right thing and

fight for his fucking country

and he goes over there and gets killed in friendly fire

accidentally

gets killed pretty quick too

well the crazy

thing was how

quickly he was talking

about how fucked up it is over there

and how disillusioned he is

and how it’s a mess and his brother’s talking

about it and they’re

completely incompetent

and he was talking

about how just

completely unorganized it is over there

and chaotic and how he didn’t believe

you know in

what he joined up for the army in the

first place

he was being

tricked and that’s not what it was

and it was a

fascinating fucking story

and that represents

everything that’s best

about america

like a guy who is willing

to look at it and say man

i need to fucking

do something fuck all this football plan i’m

gonna go over there and make a difference

and then when he gets there

he’s man enough to go oh shit this is a mess

like this is not what i wanted i’m not

gonna i’m not

gonna be united

states this

bitch over this this is craziness this is chaos

and then he’s done

you know i mean

which is what happens man

you know you go to fucking war people die it’s terrible

but it’s just at this

point in time man

you know there’s got to be better ways around this

there’s got to be better ways

to and i don’t know what the fuck they are

what are you doing

put that shit back so we

could see each other

okay i want to read the fucking chat man

don’t be go on

yeah but i’m looking at yours so i don’t

do like this so we don’t look at two totally different

things like a couple of

weird geeks

what about the ether

who’s doing the ether

that was a good nas song

i’m getting into nas

again lately

nas yeah you know you

need to move on man you should listen to kid cudi

he’s gonna move on

there’s some good there’s some good music

i hate nice

i’ve overheard

too much of his stuff now oh don’t be a bitch boy

you don’t get sick of the same

music i do but i like going back to it on occasion

yeah yeah i

tried to listen to nas recently but i was like

how dare you

kid cudi though i recommend

kid cudi kid

cudi what does kid cudi do this kid cudi it’s just a

smooth little rapper

okay this is the song whenever i travel

this is the move you eat a pot cookie like

right before you get to the airport

so then you bored you’re not riding dirty

you don’t have to worry about anybody arresting you

he doesn’t even kick in

until like an hour into the flight you know

an hour into the flight

then then your barbecued

and then that’s the best way to fly i mean it’s not

gonna operate any heavy machinery or

you’re gonna

think about yourself you’re gonna think

about life you can

think about a lot of deep important shit

when you’re high in an airplane that’s the only way i

travel that’s the best way to do it

but then when i land

every time i land

i land to this song

think about yourself you’re gonna think about

oh that’s whoops

that’s me with a delay i don’t want to listen

this hip hop is dead song by nas

soon as i land

this is the best way to travel your barbecue okay

you contemplating your role in the universe seeing all

these different characters walking through the airport

got the big

dr dre beats headphones on and i get out of the

plane like this

makes it like a ride

you tell me you don’t like this yeah but i’ve

heard it a million times

you saying the shit

same shit over and over

who gives a shit i like new music

yeah classics bitch

this is a goddamn classic

look at this thing it’s like nirvana i

used to be someone tell me what the fuck is

wrong with you stream

what you stream get it together people what

i know you’re free

this dishes

whack can i read this social stream

yes ryan l egg

10 i can but

here’s the deal son we got to keep this bitch flowing

and sometimes we’re

gonna look at

what you have to say and sometimes we’re not

and all right there’s no

rhyme or reason

don’t get crazy don’t spam

let the universe be your grind son

let the universe be your guide

just went down a notch

and my book jamming to that

the other side i like to listen to it all fairness

is jimi hendrix voodoo

child that’s another badass landing song

i used to have that one as my main one

i would land and listen to what and the

other one is it’s a little gay tori amos crucify

i like that song

what is wrong

i like that song i like land of the tory amos

dj

her playing the piano

oh sexy and white

sheets like sheets she’s white

i get to see you in your car with your

fanny pack fanny pack on

blasting out the tory

amos most of the time i don’t

drive with my fanny pack on the

only time i do is when i’m on the way to the airport

people like give the fanny pack a hard time matt sera

i saw you on your your video blog

which is fucking hilarious

leading up to this week’s ufc

and i’m very much looking forward to your

fight with frank trigg

but i saw you coming down on the fanny pack my brother

you got to let it go

nothing wrong with fanny pack okay

the only reason there is something

wrong with fanny pack

is because you

know you can’t get laid if you wear a fanny pack

so who gives a fuck

anybody that won’t fuck

you because you wear a fanny pack you don’t want them

that’s what i have to say that’s a functional

piece of wardrobe

it’s excellent

you fucking

strap that bitch on

right there and you got all your shit right here

it’s nice it’s

right there you go to the airport you take it off

bam you walk through the

metal detector

not saying you have to wear it every day

but if i wear it

fuck you man

fuck you i got a fanny

pack on i’ve wore that shit on

stage before

people get all

angry think it’s a prop

you said a prop

is my fanny pack

bitch it seems like it wish it

would be a prop

yeah because it’s very unstylish but

guess what i’m

the reality is i’m a

forty two year old

married dude

okay with a with a family

so you trying to

cover you trying to

cover your day i’m

trying to fuck you i’m trying to walk into the airport

with you in one

place trying to

cover your hog

how dare you

we’re gonna have to pull that

fanny packs hide a boner really well not my boner bitch

maybe your boner

maybe i guess

maybe maybe it would hurt

if you had like a cell

phone digging into your dick you know

i like more of like a little backpack sling box

it’s very rare that i walk with boners anymore though

this was when i was a younger man i saw

boners like you know

walking to the airport for some reason just got this

random boner cooking i don’t get those

random boners anymore i get morning boners

but i’ll get no random daytime boners

especially if i do a lot of jujitsu

and that makes jiu jitsu

sound very gay because it kills your boners

i guess i never was yeah

if you do a lot of jiu jitsu you’re

tired all the time your testosterone’s down

you know you’re worn out

and if you’re getting late all the time

do those two

things keep your

bonus from just

occurring randomly

but if you’re not getting laid and

you’re not even working out you’re not doing anything

your bonus just

start firing up so

which fuck come on what’s up

sup bro who fuck bro

sup bro get some

turkey sliders

yeah if you’re not paying attention

if you’re not

giving your dick the proper maintenance work

and you know i had a joke that

was in one of my cds from way back i don’t remember

which one i

think it was

shiny the happy gig on

it was that

you got to jerk off

first and then

think about what you’re doing you

should always do that it’s

really important because your biology will trick you

your biology will have you convinced that you

should go follow some

crazy girl home live in a bad neighborhood and

leave your car on this

on the corner and her cousin’s

gonna watch it

why because you’re

horny you know you’ll do some dumb shit you’ll do some

silly shit you know

and if you jerk

off you’re much less likely to do any of that

do you ever play racquetball

no that’s the

funny thing you say that because i was just at a gym

the other day that had all

these racquetball

chords and i was like

those are the

first times we’ve ever seen racquetball oh really

a long time oh

you would seem like a be a

scary racquetball partner

you be one of those

no you know what man i don’t this

is why i don’t like my racquetball i’ve had two knee

surgeries oh yeah yeah

i’ve had both of my acls reconstructed

and i had another

meniscus surgery on my left knee

and they work

great now like i have no problem doing

jiu jitsu and it’s they’re fun and it’s fine

but i think if i did

stuff like that

like cutting back and forth all the time

you run the risk of injuring yourself you know

jiu jitsu i

can kind of control the movements a little bit more

especially if you pull guard and

you control

where your legs are going

you know when you’re

going back and forth like that you’re putting

tremendous amount of pressure

on your joints

you know any explosive movement like that

it’s really it’s like you know

it’s an interesting

thing to watch athletically

but like for your body eventually that shit’s

gonna wear the fuck out of you

yeah you know

you know what’s the craziest

thing man you see like old football players man

you gotta respect the fucking

dedication that goes into that

sport the amount

of pain those guys have to deal with

those guys get fucking clipped

you know i mean

some fucking football games that you see

like we see the clips on youtube

where dudes are running full

steam and just

right into another dude and send him

smashing to the ground

and another guy fucking piles into it at the same time

you watching just go

jesus christ

your body your fucking body just

gonna get mangled

and some of

these guys like running back so like not that big dudes

you know these

big fucking gorillas are trying to get at them oh

football is a

crazy ass game man

you know when football will be the shit

when they can fix any injury

anything they have

anything that happens

they just zap you

it’s like they have

apple backup for your hard

drive that’s all they have for your life

right before you

going to do anything dangerous

they back up your life

you know like a couple weeks ago

and then they reload you back into the grid

like i’m back did you die yeah i died dude i fucked up

you know i got

crazy you know

how crazy would that be yeah

i mean look if you believe in like ray kurzweil

and these futurists that believe that one day you were

gonna be able to download consciousness into a computer

i mean at a certain

point in time it becomes

the real question becomes like what is reality then

if you’re downloaded into a computer who keeps

the computer on the computers keep the computers on

and then we’re part of this new life this new

world that exists inside of a machine

and then your consciousness

exists in a machine

and what happens

to the original version of your consciousness

what does gaia

have planned for you

after you die do you really

go into some

great well of souls

and go into the next

stage of existence does that happen and if that does

happen and you’re already downloaded into the machine

does the well

of souls accept you or the well of souls goes listen

bitch i don’t

accept software privacy up in heaven

you can’t be copying

my shit and putting on bit torrent down on earth

and having all

these you know come on man your time’s up

bitch it’s over

you have to move on

you know maybe it

doesn’t accept you if there’s a version of you

running in this parallel dimension

maybe heaven won’t accept you

cause you gotta you

gotta let go

and that’s the

whole idea of living and

dying is to know that

this is a stage

don’t be greedy

don’t try to

live for a thousand years just get the fuck out of here

go go go go don’t download yourself stop it

you know it’s almost like a kid

who wants to go down the

slide and he’s holding onto the back of the slide

and he wants to go down the

slide and hold on at the same time well you can’t

either you go down the slide

well you hold on you be a bitch

so either you

download yourself in a computer live forever

or you see what’s next like like

you’re supposed to

right aubrey degray

believes we will live forever in

biological form

yeah i’ve seen that guy that professor aubrey degray

day sleeper 1988 he’s that

crazy english dude with the big long

crazy beard

who drinks a lot of beer

yeah he’s a fascinating guy he’s um

you know some

crazy mad scientist

genius character who

is working on

changing human beings at the molecular

level to prevent

aging to change

aging and working on all

these different science

for our anti

aging and the idea is that if you can survive like

you know for a few years next

twenty or thirty years you’re likely that you

could live forever

just really

crazy just insane to

think about

like so many people as it is

right now you know

did you see pandora

by the way unsolicited plug here hold on a

second ladies gentlemen

fuck i’m talking about

i watched this the

other night on blu ray it’s called pandorum

and this is a movie that kang

lee is in and that’s i

think how i found out

about it the first time

and then a dude named

angry amadeus on my message board made a post about it

and he’s a pretty

smart guy and he was talking

about how great it was i

said alright fuck it i’ll give it a try i got that guy

as an intelligent dude

and it’s a space

horror film

and kung lee is in it dennis

quaid is in it

and pretty goddamn fucking good

movie man what is it pretty fun fucking movie

it’s a horror

movie in space

kind of surprised that it didn’t get

more people into it it was good

what’s the rotten tomato

score i didn’t even look let’s look

the rotten tomatoes

score for pandoram

i pretty much trust

that shit rotten

tomatoes yeah

it’s pretty good pretty accurate usually

what do i think

about the nexus one i

think it’s got

a lot of problems now but once it comes to verizon

it might be interesting to see what happens

i’m kind of

more excited

about the tour

too now i think yeah you know the

thing about the tour too

which it means a lot to me is that

it’s a world

phone i need a

world phone i

travel bitch i’m international

i’m saying sometimes i’ll be busy in my

homies in the uk

whoa 28 percent

28 damn consensus while it

might prove somewhat satisfying for devout sci fi fans

pandorum’s bloated

derivative plot

ultimately leaves it

drifting in space

okay i completely disagree yes it was not perfect

nor was avatar

i’m not looking for perfect

movies anymore

i’m looking for an escape i’m looking for some fun

if i want to be intellectually stimulated it’s not

gonna be from your gay fucking movie okay

it’s gonna be from a documentary

it’s gonna be from some real life shit it’s

gonna be from something on space

if i’m watching a movie i want

crazy shit with monsters and

explosions and i want excitement and i want some tits

and that movie had all that

click on top critics and read some of the top little

hot bitch was kicking over his ass

top critics yeah and

then read some of the just little blurbs from what they

their reviews are

cause i’m kind of interested to see if

cause if you

like it so much what they have to say about it

mmm throughout some

obvious questions pop up immediately yeah no kidding

jesus christ folks

lazily derivative perhaps

perhaps a bit

but so what man it’s like a fucking cheeseburger way

too much tori amos

soundtrack how dare you ah

now we know did

they say that haha

listen folks yeah it’s

you know what i’m looking forward to the wolfman okay

the wolfman with benicio del toro is coming out

i know the fucking plot

i know it’s it’s

been done a thousand times before i don’t give a shit

i want some escape i want to see the wolf man yeah

i want to see like

it’s an old

school wolf man too

it’s gonna be bad did

you like the old ones

yeah i loved all of them dude i

loved american werewolf in london

i love the old wolf man

i love there’s

so many different ones that came out you know

there hasn’t been a good one in a long time though

those lichen

movies the vampires and the fucking

those are cool looking

werewolves they’re kind of

crazy looking

but they’re so cgi

it’s hard to take them serious

they look dope but they look fake as fuck

you know anyway a lot of people thought that

movie sucked

and you might

think it sucks to be a huge

teen wolf fan

no but i like some science

fiction i love horror and science fiction i like

aliens i like that kind of old school

aliens shit

but this was one that

was like that that i hadn’t seen so it was fun man i’ll

watch that shit

again i liked it

i like that i like some

stupid shit

stupid shit is not always bad folks

it’s like what i was saying

about cheeseburger sometimes you want a fucking hot dog

sometimes you

wanna eat a gourmet

meal and you

wanna have a nice

healthy salad

first you wanna have spring

water with lemon in it

you wanna feel good

about yourself you wanna feel

sometimes you

want a fucking hot dog and you want a hot dog with

chili on it all

right and that shit’s good when you want it it’s good

you know it’s

pig assholes

and horse dicks you don’t give a fuck

it tastes good and

when we got

sauerkraut in it and mustard

that’s what this fucking

movie is it’s a hot dog i live by wiener schnitzel

and have you ever been there

i think so it’s amazing it’s

pretty much whatever you want

chicken corn dog hot dogs oh yeah i

think i went to one in

colorado actually

yeah it was one of the

first ones i went to corned beef hot dog it’s great

okay unoriginal plot like carlos monsea

how dare you your mama

well you were doing so well before that

let’s not bring up that fool

red band doesn’t like old

music oh i do like old

music you don’t know what you’re talking about

frank over there you

know shit bro

i love beatles

mostly beatles is my favorite and

zeppelin is probably my second favorite old

school old music

yeah dude whole

lot of love is one of my favorite songs of all time

there was something

about the 70s man

they had a certain

60s and the 70s

they had a certain energy to

their music

that like what was representing the changes that were

going on in the

culture that we

haven’t had in a long time

the thing about jimi

hendrix and the thing

about the doors and the beatles and all the

zeppelin the bands from that era is

like they really were they were

bursting to the

scene and one of the most

one of the biggest changes in our

human culture ever

like between the 50s and the 70s

shit just went

haywire and

whacked out of fucking control

and all of a

sudden there’s

love power and stop the war

and everyone’s doing acid and

ken keese and the fucking mary

pranksters and they’re all doing acid

hanging out with fucking timothy leary

and hunter thompson and everyone’s trying to change the

world and everybody’s fucking everybody left and

right and jimi hendrix is on

stage doing this

jam into his guitar

doing the star spangled banner

with his fucking

guitar is the craziest version of it ever and there’s

dirty hippies on acid wallowing in the mud in

front of them

i mean there

was nothing like it there was nothing like it before it

changed the

culture so that

music when i listen to it man

i feel that shit in it

when i listen to

some old hendrix or some

stones from that era

it’s like you feel the fucking the time

you feel that era

you know it’s like imprinted in the really

great art of that era

like voodoo

child you know

like so many fucking songs

mother’s little helper

you know so many

stone songs

brown sugar come on man

digital underground what

you just ruined the whole

you don’t even know what you’re talking about

you know what i’m talking about

they were good dude digital

underground was good when they first came out

you know what else was good man

who does opp

naughty by nature naughty by nature was shit

young and see

used to be the shit

yeah but naughty by nature

yes but i like young and see a couple of songs

but naughty by nature

what i liked

about them was

that dudes flow was so original third base

no they couldn’t fuck with you you didn’t like

their bass that dude

trech had that

rhythmic flow

that was like he made all the words rhyme

cool but he also did it almost like he was singing

like he was talking shit and singing at the same time

and doing it really fast

to show you that he’s good at it

you know i mean

he was like way more

skilled than most of

those guys like way more

transitions and way

craftier you

know and when you have it with that doo doo doo doo

you know that

you know what opp

you know me that was a

great fucking song

man that was a

great fucking song that’s a

perfect example of that song i overkilled

never went to listen to that song

again now i

could probably listen to it you can

yeah i know what you mean like back then

after a while it got on the

radio and you’re like

jesus christ

it’s like the poker face song it’s like enough

enough nwa express yourself express oh

with my full capabilities

i’m living in correctional facilities

cause some don’t

agree with how i do this

i get straight and

meditate like a buddhist

yeah that shit was a revolution early

in the morning

just in black

you know what it was

freaking me out

i first got into nwa

and heard about nwa

like a little late to the game

and this was back when i was

still fighting

and i was on the treadmill doing my workout and i had

the walkman

on it was a walkman back then a cassette one

and i was listening to it i

think i might have been a cd player i don’t know

it definitely wasn’t an

mp3 player sony cassette yeah it

might have been a cd player i can’t

recall but i remember listening to i

think it was a cassette

i remember listening to it and go god

these guys are so mean

like they’re all like anti

white people and

white bitch and

white this what

yeah you know they want to

shoot people like wow this is crazy

i’m listening to

music about

then i started getting into like ghetto boys and shit

it’s all i people want to kill people iced tea

there was nothing

before that

the rock stars of

the 60s and the 70s

nobody ever talked

about killing anybody

then all of a sudden

all these rappers

are killing people

colors i am a nightmare walking

psychopath talking

let’s get butt

naked and fuck tonight yeah

well that was like

later stuff but the early

stuff that he came out with yeah

h u s tle remember

what’s that

to my crew i

used to listen to like to live crew and it’s

weird like i grew up listening to

black people talk

about sex yeah is that kind of

talk nasty they’re nice people were freaking out people

were put into life in jail

for being too dirty

yeah they were so

dirty they wanted to lock them in cages and they did it

you know that’s how crazy florida is

in florida you can get oxycontins

everywhere you fucking turn

you can go to a store you know right next to you know

fucking apartment

building and they got a pain management center

and you go to these pain management centers

all these oxycontin junkies

just sitting around

wanting to get

their shit that’s okay but you can’t have a

black eye talking about eating pussy

getting his dick sucked

you know what is that

we’re terrified of that stop doing that

why because i want to read the stream faggot sam

why do you keep fucking around

trying to read what people would say

public enemy minus flavor flavor

don’t hate on flavor flavor just because he got paid

don’t hate on flavor because he figured out a way to

turn his eccentricities into a show

cool g rap cool g rap and dj polo fuck yeah

the beatles are the stones depends on the mood sir

you know what do you think beatles are the stones

beatles by a million really

well the beaters are

definitely the stones too much

you know who i really liked man

that i don’t think got enough credit was soundgarden

i think soundgarden’s

soundgarden’s

just blow up the outside world

i’m sorry man that’s one of the greatest

tip on the dog yeah

temple of the dog was great

but blow up the outside world just that song

alone it’s one of the greatest songs ever man

they had some

really creative fucking songs and chris cornell

his voice just

worked so well with that band you know

his other shit that

he’s been doing i’m not really into it yeah i can’t

get into it at all but goddamn he was awesome with

soundgarden

you know his new shit

that he did like the pop shit like oh my oh maybe i

yeah give the guy a chance what’s fuck around yeah

people don’t know sometimes

you take chances you know what the fuck you’re doing

that new gorilla is awful

is it yeah really yeah god they were so good the

nigga it’s just has like this guy

screaming bluesy or

jazzy type bluesy

stuff in it i don’t know

that’s good

the first time i made out with a

chick i listened to comfortably numb

by pink floyd

i was watching

wwf number two

in the basement of my friend’s

house the first time i read sex

wf number two

whatever it used to be called

which one was that

i don’t remember but it was on the tv

and it was the

first time i ran so it was

wrestling pro

wrestling yeah

wwe so you were funding a pro

wrestling while pro

wrestling was on wow

did she make like

little muffled

moans i don’t remember

i don’t like it

but i don’t remember when i get too loud so nobody

could hear so

weird i don’t remember

cause it was like

after homecoming

and my friend was upstairs having sex on the

family were just jamming it

to know when he was home

exactly so then you put on a show you trying to

trying to make your friends hear how loud you are right

no i did i don’t

think i did

back around shit shut the fuck up the circuit

yeah let them know you’re doing

crazy shit down there so they feel uncomfortable

fine i don’t remember

i do that try to kill your friends boner

just by over over freaking

no in the room down the hall no

not at all i’m a

quiet sex man

you got a gorilla fucking

every now and then dude

you probably

scream and everything

while you’re having sex yeah

i’m quiet man

style i drew into a pillow lot of rape jokes

lot a lot of

positional dominance

i’m very good at

guard passing

i know the fuck i’m doing

guard passing shit

it’s it’s funny how you know you can date one girl and

think that like it’s cool to choke girls

cause that’s what they want

choke me choke me like what i don’t like

that at all i don’t like that that’s confusing

you don’t want you to like that that was sex all

right you fear

or he loves that he likes smacking girls too yeah

but it’s like

slapping slapping him in real life

like slapping him when he’s boning them

i don’t want to connect those two

things together violence and sex

because i think you can connect things

in your head you can set up little pathways

and like it or not they’re in there

i think sometimes dudes get obsessed with feet

you know i don’t

know what the fuck that what is that all

about but it’s a

thing and dudes get

horny and excited about feet

well that same

shit can happen with slapping people duncan likes to be

spanked yeah

you could date a girl and she likes you to slap her

and then you get into that

and you guys have loco sex

cause you’re

slapper and then fuck her in the ass and she’s nutty

and then you know that’s your shit now like you’re all

fired up and the next girl you try to slap her and fuck

her in the ass and she’s like you fucking asshole you

piece of shit

and you’ve ruined like the best relationship ever

why cause you’re addicted

to ass fucking and slapping bitches and that’s just

wrong man i need to

get your shit together it’s

funny how different

every girl is too

cause like some girls just

wanna be fucked and

other girls are like why are you doing it so

rough you know

sometimes they want you to lick

their clit like this right

they want you to go like this

and other girls who want you to

lock on everything fucking shake your head like a wolf

i want you to punch it

they want you crazy with it they want

asshole they want

to go nutty

you know some girls want they want the whole

thing they want fingers

they want you to fuck their face they want nutty shit

but if you try that with other girls

you got problems son

that’s why i just let them take control

sometimes you gotta take a chance sometimes you

gotta roll the dice but you

gotta know how freaky a girl is

and some girls

would have never done it before but you just

tried it and then all of a sudden your party’s on

i would recommend

as a man of experience in

it in his elder years

don’t get all

excited about that ass fucking

that shit is not sanitary it’s not good for anybody

it’s only it’s only it

doesn’t feel better it’s just because it’s taboo

that’s nutty

that’s the trick and it’s unsanitary and you

could ruin your wife’s butthole

right you could

break that shit they’re all

gonna have problems

shitting within like 20

years well you know dudes when they get old dudes who

are gay a lot of gay dudes just go with the blowjob

blowjob jerking each

other off they give up

early ass fucking

yeah a lot of gay dudes are like

you don’t target your asshole pounded

some big dick lexington

steel type character ripping your asshole apart

you know and there’s a lot of that online

we were talking

about that about

how easy it is to see porn online like ass fuck porn

bam like within a couple

clicks you know

all you have to do is just

put it in your google go to a site and it’s free

you just have to pay a lot of money

for like little shitty ass tiny

videos that you can download online

or magazines or sears catalogs and

you know yeah but i mean the porn just the

evolution of

porn over the last few years i mean now you get like

these you porn sites and you know pornhub

at your flex

giant big pictures

i mean it’s a

giant big image

and it’s high quality and it’s free

like how the fuck are they able to do that

is everybody getting paid

how does that work

and if that’s happening

who the fuck is buying porn

these days i mean

how down are

their sales

if anybody needs a bailout porn and period is down

yeah there’s no reason for porn anymore people have

moved on where people

with webcams are now giving it for free on

their facebook page well

i’ve always said

about porn why

would you need to make more porns

there’s like billions of porns you couldn’t possibly

have jerked off to all of them it’s not even possible

there’s so many

unless you’re so goddamn specific

you know like you follow one girl and you know it’s

a fantasy adventure

porn it’s all acted out there’s only

three fuck scenes in the

whole hour and a half

movie but there’s a lot of bad acting

there’s dudes who are into those

you know they follow like one

particular porn

starting to get enduring

get obsessed

by her and go to meet her at the

avian awards and

sign autographs of them you know

some dudes just lock onto one

chick but if

it’s just you’re just looking to jerk off to stuff

you don’t have

to ever make new porns there’s plenty of porns

nobody’s seen them all

it’s impossible

yeah how many porns are there do you know twitterverse

anybody have any idea

yeah a lot of

these porn stars have

moved on to

just paying per like live like this kind of web

streaming like you rent them for an hour until

you’re like all

right i want you to put this at your butthole

that’s a good move

i should probably do that wonder

how much i can get something about

all haha um

what was i talking

about oh um

tyler knight

there’s a dude who’s a porn star his name’s

tyler nice he’s got played up um

he was in the the bill cosby one

the bill cosby

porn that um

thomas be sharing thomas

ward was in

thomas ward played cosby right

they did a porn out and he’s a real cool dude he’s just

he’s this porn actor who

is also a really good writer he’s got this

i don’t know his blog

title unfortunately but

he’s no i’m

gonna find it for you

cause he’s really

write some crazy shit

but he’s a really cool dude

and he does

jiu jitsu with us

at tenth planet

jiu jitsu in hollywood

yeah he’s a really

tough guy too he boxed

he had a boxing

match with mario

lopez but mario

laid them fangs on them

mario gave a beating

not a beating but

he beat him i shouldn’t say that let me

follow tyler

mario lopez

fight a lot

i think he has fought a

bunch of times he’s a

tough dude man he likes to box and he’s really athletic

he’s really good at it

he’s

tyler knight

here we go tyler knight calm

yeah you already have that in your bookmarks

i don’t he’s my buddy man don’t be gay

all right i’m gonna book here’s

check out tyler night’s vlog

hold on a second

it’s really interesting

stories because

he’s a porn star but he’s a really intelligent dude and

a good writer and a really fucking cool guy

like a really nice guy rogan

board is not accepting new people to register

it’s not what

somebody’s just tweeted

no it is i’ll accept people

you just got to give me a day or two

i do it myself

because i don’t want anybody getting crazy

i don’t want to

keep track of this

whole thing i’m

gonna follow him

yeah following

tyler knight

my my large

penis friends run out i

haven’t seen his cock

all right here goes hold on

gonna steam how dare you

we’re just getting started son

all right that’s it the tyler knight thing

we’re gonna address a few more questions and then we’re

gonna get it

so we never been doing it for two hours man

it’s only been doing it for two hours

no i’m just saying i’m just run asking

where can i watch such great heights

what are you talking about son oh the video porno video

i’m sure you can

you porn it or something i mean

those fucking things are everywhere

what i want to know about these things about these

you porns is how do they make money

and how do porns make money now i mean

are a lot of people

that are doing that a lot of people that

are they still like filming things and paying for them

yeah i think

right now it’s

things like the cosby show type porn

stuff where it has to be something like a gag gift

almost type

thing i wonder man cause they’re

still filming a lot of them derek’s always working

i wonder where i mean maybe

websites are eventually

going to start sponsoring their own porn

you know well

that’s what

i was saying most porn stars have gone to doing

their own webcam type

thing no but what i meant was websites getting

exclusive content deals with porn stars and filming

their own porns

you know and

people get to write in

suggestions

hey i want to watch

jesse james

suck lexington

steals dick

on a boat wearing a

japanese samurai outfit

and okay we’re

gonna film that and they film that and put it online

still i would

never pay for it there’s no

reason to pay for it well you

wouldn’t pay

for it but if you felt like you were creating it

you know maybe if it’s like one of

those build

a shoe websites

where you can put your own purple

stripe on your 90s

if you go to you

stream at night you can find the same shit for free

maybe not man

there’s a whole way

maybe this is the future how about this

maybe the future is

people will fuck live in

front of you can tell them what to do

yeah but they do that

they already do that though

no but i mean like hot chicks

yeah i mean there’s pretty good hot

chicks come

on there’s a lot of websites that do

girls like sit in

front of the tv

there’s sit in

front of the laptop

and then you go it’s

like yeah yeah yeah

that happens all the time and have

every day yeah that’s been happening for a long time

there used to be

thing whatever that

house calls

this guy’s a

dirty pervert

how talk is that

that’s all pile talk is it’s people having sex

going like there’s like people that like

people to watch them have sex really

and people are just sitting there like oh do it in

your butt and they’re like wow

and they do that yeah that’s been happening

since like aol

they’re gonna have to get on pal talk that’s the

problem with having a it’s not even on pal talk i don’t

think anymore they cut it out well it’s on

everything now

it’s on you

stream it’s on justin tv it’s on

what are the links

there’s actually links there’s

somebody posted a couple weeks ago i

wanna watch people fuck

what is it about

about fucking that’s so private

you know it’s

funny it’s like we

wanna do it

so badly everybody lives for it we all acknowledge

that we all live for it

but if anybody catches you doing it anybody catches you

engaging in that sort of pleasure

it’s so intimate revealing about you

it’s like we’re so terrified of revealing things

about ourselves

and that’s the big one is people seeing you fuck

people seeing you know you suck someone

pussy people

seen you fuck some girl and ever suck your dick all the

crazy that’s craziness

you know there’s something

about that that people

people associate

that with like almost like madness you know

like the people that are willing to like

watch you know

stand there

while people

watch them fuck like wow they’re crazy

they’re crazy like

they can just do it perform in

front of everybody

like dudes get

creeped out

like if a guy

you’re at a

party and everybody’s having a good time it’s over your

house and this dude just goes

crazy and pulls his

dick out this girl

starts sucking it

right at your

party you’re

gonna like be uncomfortable you’re

gonna be nervous

right mm hmm

why is that

because if he

had like a knot in his neck he was like oh

my neck’s killing me

and his girlfriend was like massaging

him while you guys were all talking that

would be cool like oh we’re having a nice conversation

everything’s cool

she’s making him feel better

but if he’s like

you suck my dick real quick

how come everybody can’t go hahaha

okay he’s getting apologize

right there in

front of us ho ho ho ho

no everybody gets like really

freaked out

because it feels too good

it’s like the

background feels good

but sucking your dick is just too

crazy it’s got his dick in her

mouth right in

front of everybody

you know there’s something

about that right it’s weird

clothes are

weird too it’s almost like

clothes and

covering your dick

covering your pussy

is like just

somehow or another

we have intellectual eyes

that not only do we have to survive in all

these different climates

and we have to you know make sure that we have some

stuff to cover us and keep us warm

but we also

gotta slow the fuck down

make it tougher to fuck

it can’t just be like

right there

it can’t just be dicks hanging out pussies hanging out

cause we’re just

gonna fuck we’re just

gonna make too many people

even in like hot weather it’s totally unacceptable

to walk around

naked everywhere and just

start fucking people at the

supermarket

but that’s what

would happen

if everybody was

naked if you

lived in florida

when it’s 110 degrees you don’t have to wear fucking

clothes okay

and if there was no laws

against wearing

clothes and people just

started walking around

naked people

would fuck everywhere

they’d be fucking

in bushes and trees they’d fuck in the car there’d be

chicks sucking guys dicks

while they were driving

everywhere you look they

would be going on

it would be

everywhere there

would be way more

crashes from getting your dick sucked driving than it

would be from twittering or from texting

while driving or it

might be the

exact opposite and you’re seeing people’s floppy

tits everywhere you’re like look these

floppy tits

everywhere i can’t see this floppy

tits yeah that’ll

annoy you for

about a day and then you’re

gonna want to get your dick sucked

all right trust me

trust me all

right you’re

gonna you’re

gonna fuck it might be

i might get

starbucks i’m like

god everyone shits

everywhere yeah

maybe you can’t handle it maybe it’s

cause the dude

right next to you

big giant ass

snake dick you know

fucking this white

woman’s mouth

while you trying to

enjoy your latte it

could take one 80 year old lady

tit to ruin my

whole day come on

18 year old

lady tit you

say that but if jessica biel’s

naked finger herself

right next to

that 80 year old lady you’ll snap out of it

snap out of it you forget

about that old lady like

jennifer bue

has a hairy asshole and

i got a razor

and i got some free time

i don’t care she’s got a hairy bottle i’ll get in there

i’ll clean it all up i’ll polish it down i’ll buff it

i’ll put a little

cream on it

do whatever she wants

what i gotta shave her that’s it

that’s kind of a

weird thing that all women

agree that hair is

gross it’s like

this is what

we look like god damn it okay we grow hair we grow

i mean some

women like this kind of shit like men to have hair

or men having hairy

chest or hairy legs

but they all

agree that women with hair is gross

and there’s no one

is like all psyched up

about girls being hairy

some like that shit man hairy feet fiery

legs and shit really but like

especially hippie

dudes really you

think so oh fuck yeah man

wow well okay maybe

but almost universally i mean there’s

got to be a few

exceptions but

almost universally we’ve accepted the fact that girls

harry is not sexy right

right i don’t

think so i think fucking hair is disgusting

most men have it

on their back it’s not amazing though

but it’s amazing that we make girls take

stuff off their body that grows naturally

to perpetrate some new look some new sleeker

model that’s coming in the future that’s less monkey

you know that’s

clearly what we’re trying to do

when you’re into shaved pussies and shaved legs and

even when dudes

shave themselves down and get all oiled up and

try to look all sexy

what you’re trying

to do is you’re trying to get as far away from the

monkey as possible

you’re becoming some sleek

you know almost like silver surfer looking

thing you know

where you’re like

evolving you know you’re a form

you know you’re

round and smooth and

they’re not

hairy and fucking primitive and ape like you know

like whatever we’re trying to do

weird like that’s like

about evolution we’re trying to get rid of as much

monkey as possible before we fuck you

we don’t want no

crazy bitch that’s

gonna go nutty

and eat the babies

we’re trying we’re

gonna want this

bitch to get rid of all the hair

get rid of everything what’s this shit

you gonna bleach

that keep bleach that no let’s just wax that shit

wax it watch it but

i’m gonna keep waxing it just we’re

gonna shave it we’re

gonna get rid of it we’re

gonna give you hormones

get rid of that

you gotta get rid of all this

why is this down here why you have air

right there can you wax that can you wax that

whatever we

wanna do we

wanna make you as less

monkey as possible

that’s weird man

you know i mean when you see like a big hairy dude

do you remember george the animal

steel from wrestling

george the animal

steel was his fucking badass pro wrestler

and one of the things

about him was he was so hairy

i mean it was incredible

he was like an animal he really was like a monkey

i mean he was just this

thick fucking bald dude

who had just hair

everywhere his back his arms

he had been in a bunch of

movies too because

he’s such a character such a unique looking guy

but man if there’s

anybody that ever looked more like an ape

he’s so hairy

like that’s why his nickname worked

i mean if it was the same guy but you shaved all that

hair off you couldn’t call him george the animal steel

it wouldn’t be nearly as good

the part was

cool was there’s a fucking gorilla man it was

crazy to see

three girls in a cup made you gag

this is one of those guys that fucks up everything yeah

you know you know those guys will tell you a story

who’s that fucking guy it hit three cups you know

five girls tracy morgan guy

you know i never saw

three girls one cup i don’t need

to see that i saw two girls one cup that was bad enough

my i’m surprisingly soft when it comes to

shock sick stuff

how dare you

eddie strike

how dare you question my manhood

yeah no you’re

right i you know what

i think too much

so when i see

something really fucked up i don’t just go there

faggots dead

i think of all the different shit that led up to it

and how it happened and who did it and what the fuck is

going on hook dang

cook is having us

a live exclusive comedy show

oh order you have to pay for it whoa

wow that’s what they’re doing now

people are doing live shows and you pay for

some people when then you know when you’re selling out

selling out

theaters there’s a

reason he’s not selling out theater she’s selling out

arena arena

there’s a reason for that you got a different

beast you got people that are just

fourteen and

ready to go

maybe it’s the ejaculation at the end

no one wants to get hit i don’t

know that guy’s talking

about like that was too long ago

sometimes people

post something

about what we were talking

about five minutes ago

we don’t remember the fuck we were talking

about five minutes ago

mr hands is horrific yes

it is horrific if you

haven’t seen it you must watch it

what are my thoughts on breast implants is it a

ridiculous concept

vic nor cal

yeah it is right

breast implants

are one of the

weirdest things

about human beings that it makes a girl more

attractive if you

stick some things

under her chest

and parts of her body are

pressed forward and are larger

which i like bigger nipples

do you like that i love it who

do you like like

silver dollar ones or big

pointy ones

big silver dollar

areolas those are

great these

are awesome i like big tits

my big tits

you know what’s strange

is how many people are getting butt jobs these days

apparently it’s a real

issue by job

you think coco has

butt job or do you

think that’s real no it’s real

apparently that’s awesome

yeah she’s always had that it’s not like there’s any

pictures of her back in the day

right you know she’s just got

those freak genetics

but there was

a buddy of mine

and he was joking around with this

he’s been dating this girl for like four months

he’s joking around

would you get a butt job like joking around

about her ass being nice

and she goes

actually i did

he’s like what

it turns out like girls are getting them left and

right to getting butt implants

to make their butts stick out more

how about you

just go to the gym you fucking lazy bitches okay

you crazy lazy bitches

put some weights

on your back and do some fucking squats okay

what is your

whole twenty four hour day filled

you can’t do some of this

yes you can you lazy

bitch don’t go to a fucking

doctor’s office have them cut a hole in your snatch

and stuff some fucking airbags up there that’s

ridiculous okay

you need to

go to the fucking gym if you want to grow an ass

go to the fucking gym

jesus right

am i right brian no

no you like fake butts i

think there’s nothing

wrong with the difference between fake

boobs and fake butts i

think you’re

crazy you’re not getting the real genetics

let me tell you something

it’s like fake steak okay

girls who have like a real juicy ass

alright that real the real wide hip

small waist

those girls are

freaks okay

that’s what that’s why guys are attracted to them

they have so much hormones in

their body they have so much going on

those girls are

horny as fuck it’s nature

little waist

big ass that’s

why you’re attracted to them because they’re

the most capable of giving

birth they have birthing

hips and we find those

attractive and

they have enough fat on the ass to ensure

that they’re

gonna survive during the pregnancy

we like that with like a little plumpness

it’s attractive to us

those that feels better

trust me those are

freaks butter but

yeah that’s a real ass though that’s her real ass

it is dude it’s her real ass it’s been confirmed

scientists and

the fucking

mythbusters got involved they know it’s a real ass

fake tits look

ridiculous i think

he’s like yo we’re not

gonna tell anybody

it’s fake tits do ridiculous but they

still do look good sometimes too man you know i’m not

gonna lie i know

as a human being i know it’s

completely ludicrous that i find a girl more

attractive because she’s got

these bags in her skin and they make her

tits hang out more but it’s

still you do

you’re more attracted to the

frame it’s like

there’s something

going on in our bodies there’s

a frequency

that we try to hit physically that men try to hit and

women try to hit to make themselves

attractive to the opposite sex and

whatever the fuck it is we

try to be in it we try to

nail it it’s being a certain way and being healthy and

smelling good and

it’s also being a certain

shape there’s like

women want a certain

shape to men there’s guys who get like peck implants

because they can’t grow they

don’t grow muscle very well i

guess and they try to do

a lot of bench

press and they get lazy and so they just

stick these plastic

things in their

chest and make

their own boobs grow out and they have

things for their arms too and for

their calves

to make their

bodies look bigger

mean it’s all craziness

it’s all but it’s all desire to be

loved you know it all comes from some weird

thing we want to be

we want to be the desirable

shape that everybody’s looking for

very strange you know

what else we got here

the painting behind me what is it

it’s not a painting it’s a photograph

it says an american girl in italy in 1951

and it’s by this lady ruth orkin

and she took a picture of this poor girl

walking down the

street american girl and she’s in italy

where my ancestors are from all those fucking

savages and they’re all grabbing

their dicks look at this look at this picture man max

this guy’s grabbing his dick

he’s making the

that face and

these guys are all laughing there’s an old guy

and he’s got a fucking

cigarette out here like this and these guys get his

pants up through his rib cage and they’re all staring

mercilessly

at this one chick and she walks through this fucking

snake pit of men

this gauntlet of shitty dudes just hanging out in the

street looking for trouble looking to

stick the dick in somebody

those people are

savages look at them they got loafers on with no socks

1951 and you know when people talk to you

about the good old days and

you watch tv and you see father knows best

and you think that’s what people really like now

that’s what the people on tv were really like

this shit was

still going on

human beings

don’t get tricked

we’re not crazy we’ve always been

crazy it’s not like this

generations fucked up every generations fucked up

so that’s why i like that picture

and on that note ladies and gentlemen

i think that should be it right

anything else

what about stick cam was a no go what do you a

stick cam junkie fella is that your favorite type

i don’t know if

i don’t know if stiff cam will be better but you

stream seems pretty good

except right now it’s frozen no i just paused it okay

our upload is not as good as our downstream

that’s way more sinister than i expected

what a sinister what do i say

all right

the taliban is putting explosives and

women suicide bombers this guy just said yeah

i did hear about that that’s pretty nutty yeah

i don’t know how they i don’t know how they talk

those chicks into what i heard

what they’re doing is they’re raping women

and they’re getting these women and

humiliating them and

getting them to the point where they

coco’s butt implants oh my goodness

this gentleman here just nailed it

we’re gonna find out if you’re correct sir

if this guy’s right

we got a fucking scandal in our hands

and this will be another case by the way if it is

right a brian being able to spot the phony

brian is awesome at spotting the phony

brian spots more fake shit

on the internet than anybody i’ve ever met in my life i

think that’s true i

think you deserve that designation

look at that

dirty bitch

oh that’s her yeah

oh my god it’s a fake ass fuck yeah oh my god

makes you think that was real

wait a minute

what makes you

think that’s real really oh my god

my god it’s so real oh jesus

coco before butt implants

god she ruined a perfect ass to look at her ass before

and it looks pretty fucking hot

now hell yeah it’s cartoon ass that’s like

pamela anderson back in the day yeah

now that i find out there’s some bags of shit in there

no i’m not into it i like the old ones up beautiful ass

did you put it online did you retweet that gentleman

did you tweet that to me buddy i’ll retweet that shit

that’s pretty

pretty powerful so it looks like

coco has a goddamn butt implant ladies and gentlemen

what the fuck man

what the fuck

is there anything sacred in this world anymore hmm

so dude twitter that to me man my friend

told her that to joe rogan dot any tea

and i’ll retweet it that coco butt implants thing

otherwise if you can post it post that link

post a link

okay what is it i’ll get it i’ll do it right now

so that’s really what’s important in the

world ladies and gentlemen we went from space

to coco’s butt implants

that’s how we roll here

in the joe rogan podcast

i think that’s the end ladies and gentlemen

brian and i are gonna go get something to eat

you hungry actually now i might try that

beat the traffic beat traffic

all right producer to jill scott you can’t

leave me i don’t know who that is i’m happy

happy i don’t realize

ladies gentlemen

been inundated by human beings and information

i wish you well and your battle

to try to figure out what the fuck this is all about

until then see you next week

peace peeps