#3 - Ari Shaffir | The Joe Rogan Experience

Podcast

Description

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

Transcript

bam is that it can you people hear us

are we up and cracking we had

sound for a second there oh we did have sound

it just didn’t show it in the window

hmm okay we have sound now

just come on you jump over to the chat

bitches jump over to the chat they’ll tell you

right up immediately i don’t want

to look at the chat these faggots

they’re all living in there

it’s chad’s gay

i heard you for two

seconds just now yes okay it’s working

excellent so i should

close out of this right otherwise it won’t work yep

i’ll tell the twitter people last time

this is weak though this

thing because it already adds hey joe rogan

see hi everybody welcome to the joe rogan podcast

so yeah where’s that time

to figure out technical difficulties

ryan shoved that tomahawk pipe up his ass and we’re

gonna get it out so we got our tomahawk pipe

that we’re gonna order last week

you said a peace pipe what is a peace pipe

it’s a fucking battle of peace or war your choice bitch

that’s how the indians roll your firepower

i don’t think it’s probably the best pipe

it looks like a piece of shit it’s already clogged

it comes clogged now

it looks cool though but we got a real one right here

so why fuck around bitches

and since all three of us are legal

this we’re legally medicating here

see what you’re looking at is three sick people

are you get headaches is that what you get

i get headaches and i have sleeplessness

sleeplessness and headaches

from mr sophia no i don’t i said

sleeplessness and i said i had surgery there before

that’s all true yeah

i get really bad anxiety but

the rest of the sentence is when i smoke weed

but they still get

all right well up and crack it people

you keep your pot in a bag like the old days

that was a given to me oh really

i was like there’s no other reason

so i should kill his gay music yeah yeah

it’s not really gay it’s just not really good

straight a bi and four homosexuals what

doesn’t fit with the vibe

of what we’re trying to flow here

you guys are liars and it’s completely cool

what do we lie about fella

about our prescriptions

oh it helps me sleep one gives me anxiety

and it did it is legal

right if you had to guess

either everyone’s

watching you

or no one’s watching you what would you say

everybody yeah

right now i feels like everybody’s watching me

cause you cause you’re paranoid yeah

he gets paranoid when he

smokes the weed

but that’s what i told the doctor and he

still gave it to me

is everybody in here here we go everybody’s in here

oh yeah i pause that

this one yeah this one’s fucking us up

i got some weak ass

wack ass dsl internet but

i got new internet installed

i just have to install a new router

then from there we’ll be able to upload videos

we’ll be able to i’m gonna

change this background

and i’ll bring a

couch in here and

and get rid of this

desk and put a new desk in and so i only have one desk

i got this big ass long desk so this room’s all

clocked up so i’m

gonna put a

couch in here

have a little

table right there

so we have the

microphone set up there so we can lounge

and do this

properly ladies and gentlemen

check this shit out i just got in

this is awful imagine having to deal

with this my mom has a windows xp computer that’s like

seven years old

and she only has 56 k internet available at her

house really

trying to help her fix a computer from a virus and

and she can only

connect at fifty six k oh my god

i read a lot of shit that won’t even run yeah

old people in

viruses when you just

shoot that computer

there’s no way you’re gonna fix

it but can you imagine only getting

fifty six k no i can’t

i did for a long time

shit i started out with fourteen four

i started out with aol on an old ass mac one of

those tan ones the beige ones

and it had a 14 4 bald internet

connection god

remember how brutal

that shit was

remember when 36 came out like i’m a

motherfucker

everybody got 56 k

and i was like

man i can’t believe it that’s like five times as fast

i remember paying like

120 dollars for

a 56k modem back in the day and that was like so much

money and i was just like oh

someone finally that house

started was

even worse you got online you

gotta tell people

yeah i’m online

who wants to use it i’m done

yeah before i get off yeah you couldn’t use the goddamn

phone no that’s craziness man

well now that’s

that at amp t uverse

thing if the

phone if the internet goes down

everything’s down and

if the computer if the

the tv’s down

then your phone’s down fires

and everything’s down

you masturbate

how would you masturbate

you gotta go by memory

those are your

three things

how was last time you masturbated by memory

sure i do all the time

wow look at you sexy bitch you

think caveman had

to draw what they wanted to masturbate to first like

i think cavemen

just raped and fucked i don’t

think they bothered masturbation

masturbation is a by product of

civilization if we weren’t

civilized we’d be raping like a

motherfucker there

would be no

there’d be no masturbate

you just find someone there

would be no

gay yeah there’d be no gay you’d

just rape your brother and she’d be raping everybody

yeah there would be no

masturbation if there was cavemen

right yeah i don’t know

i think rape takes a lot more work same as now that we

never go out with old people

old people just get raped all day

that’s good

point everybody

be waiting in line to rape the next old person

when you didn’t

have a language and couldn’t say hey fucking stop

you couldn’t

fight someone off

back on those days

it was just raped

if you couldn’t like

reason with people and say listen when you’re raping me

you’re hurting

me i know it feels good temporarily but there’s

most popular people so actually

we were friends with the most creepy people yeah

we were friends with

people that follow

seven different

gigabytes full

right no fairly

legal to go to

strip clubs when the girls performing with like

magazines for her to sign

yeah i met gina lin

she’s really pretty she’s very nice such a cool

it’s actually really cool she’s

a nice person she’s not doing porn very much longer

i love that they like them because of porn

and they’re yeah

yeah then they want them

out picking up for them

you can do better than this i just want you to know

some dudes are just into it

bella said she’s done with porn

wow she’s done acting them

what is she

gonna do now just produce

wow she’s gonna become a pimp

you know she’s

tired of baseball bats up the pooper huh it’s

i don’t think she’s

tired i don’t know how anybody can get

tired of that

who does because out of nowhere she’s like oh here

here’s my asshole and you’re like oh that’s great

there it is

wow it really is like that too

she sends you nsfw

not safe for work

i think you need a bigger

warning than loads dripping out of your gaping asshole

that’s not just not that’s not safe for life

that’s ridiculous

you’re showing me you’re showing the whole

world you’re like

right to the butthole

like not mysterious lips and sucking on

fingers and taunting you with

lingerie uh uh

she loves wide open butthole with sperm

squirt real

what she’s into goddamn

the flowers a

bitch goes deep

she goes deep she takes it to another

level she does

she set the bar

like a motherfucker uh huh i’ve

never seen anybody

shove a baseball bat up

their ass like that it’s a loss to the community

it’s a huge loss like jordan retiring the

first time it is it is

who’s the dirtiest girl in porn now sasha gray

now that she’s gone

is she dirty or

something really dirty

just a good

marketer she’s way

dirty than the rest of them

she looks pretty dirty

jesus what happened brian brian’s at my job candy

thing balancing on

you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing and

everything this is a story behind this thing behind us

and i’m gonna put something in front of it

is that a bunch of pot on the ground yep

this sign when

doug stanhope and i were hosted the man show

there was a segment called

make me hard

and the segment

we had like

boxes attached to dudes dicks

and like we would show them things like

a midget eating a banana

and we would decide oh he’s getting a

heart on ding ding ding it was really stupid but the

whole reason for the bit

was so that we could use this tranny

and in the bit we had this tranny

and she was really hot

i mean she’s fucking

super hot like my friend eddie saw her in a car once

and he goes damn that bitch is hot look at her

and i go dude that’s a

tranny and he goes no fucking way

oh yeah we used her on the man

show so i’m like hey what’s up how you doing so anyway

we got this guy with the box on so the idea is that we

show him all the

stuff that’s not

not sexy like

guys playing with her nipples big fat guys and the

light would go off you know

midget’s eating a banana

their light would go off

and then we had this

super hot chick

and she’s rubbing on him and she’s touching him

and nothing nothing’s happened his

light is not going off

and she’s pulls her tits out the fucking audience is

going crazy

and he’s sucking whipped

cream off her tits

and then she pulls her cock out

and her cough is this

wrinkled shriveled

up little poison dick because it’s a real dick like

she used to be a man

but she’s been

injecting herself with so many female hormones

that her dick is like like a dick that’s been poisoned

it was like

a monkey that got shot with a poison dart

which you would imagine his dick

would look like

it was like dark and shriveled up

and then of course the

lights going off like

crazy ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

but they let us do all this

what they didn’t let us

do was call it make me hard

they wanted to call it make me stiff

and that was like a

legitimate argument

so you changed it

so we had to change it for

make me hard to make me step it was your choice i just

say you put your foot down as a creative

person and say no

without hard it’s not the same

but that’s how dumb

it is when you’re dealing with network

television that’s

how dumb their arguments

are it’s like everybody wants to change something

and they really

believe that they have to change something

to get your respect

that you know that you’re

gonna have to listen to them

and they want to come

in and they all none of them are creative and all the

more offensive

or people would

have helped the lawsuit

how could that be more offensive

how could the word hard be more offensive than the word

stiff that doesn’t even make any sense

stiff to me

sounds like even more like like pokey

you know like make me hard as like

it’s like you’re rare and the girl make me

stiff is like like you’re

stabbing somebody with it like

you know it’s like

they don’t even want your dick you just get a little

stiffy that

doesn’t sound fun

but that’s how dumb the arguments are man

today ladies and gentlemen we’re

learning the difference between connotated

value and denote

a value our affair

educated to the masses

giving you knowledge

where’s the

laptop it’d be easier to read off the laptop

it was fucking your feet out

your internet

and so weak

but that will be

fixed tomorrow

ladies and gentlemen

we’re gonna do this every week

we’re gonna

start taking some

questions now

just twitter feeds coming to fucking fast it’s

crazy when your twitter feeds

going faster than chat room usually does you know

she was what are the big news stories

is that lenny

bruce on the wall no that’s that’s a

picture of me from my

first cd this dude made it with

with snake blood

some crazy dude said

to me he makes

paintings with

snake blood and i

lost that dude’s email so

if he gets to see this the dude who makes

paintings with

snake blood

thank you very much for the

picture pretty fucking dope

it’s up there

these questions

are so it’s hard to read this shit man what’s

going on the news

right now the nexus

phones coming out

no no terrorism brian oh

fucking fire

they don’t use

those kind of phones joe

these people don’t use

those phones no the terrorists

oh okay i don’t know what you’re saying

do do do god damn this is impossible to read

i’m way too high to

be reading this moving shit any updates on his moving

hospital for

sure there’s so many rumors floating around i

heard this report but this doesn’t say why

yeah i haven’t heard anything official no

i’ve heard some crazy shit like what

drinking bleach stabbing himself in the stomach fucking

i hope that’s not real fingering his asshole

what don’t make that

up did you hear that

at the fingernails of course that’s a lie

no one heard overdosing what no one heard overdosing

i think that’s just obvious i think that’s obvious

but i heard drinking bleach like he tried to drink

like suicide

what if you go to hospital

just to get a checkup

and then it’s

yeah

i didn’t did you hear the howard

stern show this week

no i haven’t

heard it at all

it’s probably old news everyone

probably knows what’s happening he’s probably fine

did you hear

about tiger woods

i just love saying that i don’t even have any news

did you hear about the new thing with the whiskey or

the bottles of vodka and red bull

and the three hot chicks came up to his room

shoved it with your pussy

maybe oh he ordered maybe

he ordered 20 bottles of vodka

20 yeah in a case of red bull i had three

really hot chicks

up in his room that’s how he

celebrated new years this year yes this year yes

this year yes

there’s also a porn video being shot

how do you know that what had

where did that come from it was in the news

that he was celebrating

that’s how we celebrated new years

tmz apparently was there well he

didn’t just say like i thought he hasn’t left his

house i think he just said fuck it you know this year i

could see in the pack thank you this

year i think he just said fuck it i’m

tired of this bullshit

i’m just gonna live i’m gonna live my life honestly if

you just answered a question for like six months

well yeah let the fuck people who’s out there

not only that like he has so much

money that he

doesn’t have to work ever again

keep working though

keep playing golf

right you can totally

play golf but he doesn’t need the endorsement

to crush people

yeah i hope

you get the endorsements

back he’ll get different endorsements you don’t

think somebody’s gonna

sponsor who’s winning

these tournaments yeah

who they keep showing on

sunday most of the time

yeah let’s put

our fucking logo on his bag it’s a lot of

money in that golf huh

that’s a businessman

sport there’s so much

money in big golf yeah

it’s like no offense

you get jeff

ogilvy as your me

guys just doesn’t

carry as much weight do you

think people

would go into golf

thinking that you’re

gonna make money off with

those so hard i

think it’s the same as any

sport basketball

one of the major

sports basketball baseball

that you go into it

going like i love playing i like all star

like all conference

you know i think i go to a

i think i go to a big division one school

in the back of your head you’re like i

wanna play pro

yeah i’m sure

right but it’s just that you know the hardest

thing about

becoming a professional at anything difficult like golf

or you know whatever playing football or any sport

just saying okay this is what i’m gonna do

because you

don’t have a fucking backup plan if that’s what you’re

gonna do oh yeah it’s the

scratcher the guy

just make ties

get on tour it’s got a q school

scratch off a fucking you know eighth

place finish

on the best buy tour or

eight grand

you know hopefully

yeah just about

spiders to i see some of them

for eight and eight

you fight three

fights a year

getting 30 grand

to see the graphic

oh brian’s having little conversations on amazon

someone said winning is everything

code enos okay

would you bang

tiger woods wife

right now i think no because she’d be very vulnerable

i don’t feel feel bad about that but

i would fuck the life out of hey man

consider the vulnerable part

i think you got it

poor girl you know

she’s having a hard time right now

do i have to rape her or

no she wants to

fuck you she wants to do

it she wants to fuck you she needs someone to hold her

and then as

she’s holding

you you grab her ask and she says nothing and then

you just go

for it you just go for it

but she doesn’t really like grab your dick you grab

her hand and put on your dick and she just goes with it

does she get into it when

she’s doing that sort of a little bit but she feels bad

so the whole time

it sounds like a terrible i think i’d still go

i would be disappointed though

like you know what

yeah that’d be very disappointing it wouldn’t

leave me with a great feeling yeah it wouldn’t be

that if she got really into it though if she gave it

saying her b game yeah just a bb

game i think i’d be

super pleased

so much more important to have a

chick that’s really into it

that’s so important

a hot chick that’s not into it

but there’s some port

there’s a point of diminishing your turns right

you know like a super hot chick who just lays there

is way better that’s

not as that’s not as good as a one step down goes

crazy but it is better than

its down yeah

a little bit yeah

like a certain

point there’s like a point

start at a certain weight

certain smell

it’s like okay okay i’ll take the hot the

chick that doesn’t move

yeah but that

yeah it gives you like

quarter credit

hotness gives you full credit so

here’s the thing that gets me is those

those robot

things those

those dolls those

real dolls and

would you fuck one of

those cause i don’t

think i would fuck one of

those i fuck one i fucked pillows before i

would definitely fuck yeah

but i would

but i’m saying i

wouldn’t invest a lot of

money into it i

would rather jerk off than fuck that

thing i’ll try it out

i mean how could your

flesh possibly be good

do you think that’s good

i thought i don’t know i mean sometimes

lotion feels better than that lotion yeah that’s feels

weird still in fact

there’s one

thing to fantasize

and masturbate

there’s another

thing to fuck a rubber

dog i think

the same thing that’s a totally different

the same thing

i think it feels right

extension that’s

three d versus two d

that’s it just

gives you more texture

true but it’s a thing

it’s not your imagination with auto manipulation it’s a

thing you’re fucking it’s all been

off i guess

in a rubber

thing yeah and it feels good and

as you’re like closing your eyes and doing this if you

you can feel something that feels

like skin you’re like oh it’s just better here’s my

point it seems much more humiliating

if someone catches you

it catches you

okay what the fuck

if someone catches you fucking a rubber doll

you feel like shit i

think you’re supposed

to feel like shit if someone catches you that would be

worse well that’s cause i

think you’re supposed to feel like shit for doing that

that’s a fucking creepy

thing you’re

doing you’re fucking a rubber dog you weirdo

you should just jerk off oh

probably gum

now we’re gonna make chili noises

this is the chili noises portion of the program

all right ladies and gentlemen

this guy says

about real dolls dave broomfield says they look awesome

talking taking them to dinner is awkward though

the gem set

movie lars and the real doll no

this comment is ridiculous

you know if you were somebody that

never got laid like ever

by the way did you guys watch that conveyor of love

show no oh that’s great what is that it’s

a new reality show

where like four hot

chicks just have a conveyor belt in front of them

and they just send guys down the guy has like 20

seconds to impress them

or they just go get out of here and he gives

off on the conveyor belt

and then at the end of like

a hundred guys then they take them on a date

and so then there was

one demeaning

yeah this one

chick’s like oh i just want that guy i want

i just want to do him so bad it was like a guy with no

shirt on and a puppy

and then the next person would be like a stand up

comic like do you like fire and you had like a fireball

comic is this song

is right after

brilliant the bachelor

whatever just a bachelor was right after the

is that abc

is the abc so what do they choose like four out of ten

like yes no no

conveyor of love

and then all

the people they choose to go on dates with them later

yeah and then the dates were

awful like this one guy is like crazy

oh you guys got to download it how incredible is that

one chick got

stuck with this

fat guy that had really ugly hair by mistake

cause it’s a game you

could steal

other people oh no

if there’s two girls that want the guy

and the guy

has to decide between the two girls and they’re just

blunt like this

might be the

greatest show of all time oh it’s

great it’s so bad

it’s just like let’s just

see how much more we can let people demean themselves

right do you remember that show

temptation island do you remember that

that shit was hilarious

that was good

how crazy was that

they would take

these fucking

checks and tell them to try to get

these guys to

cheat and film

everything they did and they

would still

cheat and they would

fuck the girls yes

there was a

girl who works a fair factor that was one of the girls

they’re just

prostitutes

yeah basically

i mean i mean there’s not

it’s not an american

they have to be attracted to the i don’t know

it’s not on

americans well they’re not paying them to fuck them

they’re paying them to

flirt but the interview

process is with

stealing sluts with

whatever happens if something happens you should any

girl like feel like as kissing was like okay stop

i don’t know it’s a good question

i don’t remember watching i

think that’d be highly

discouraged i just remember

mrs rogan being so

upset at it

really mrs rogan did not like it

she was like

that’s a terrible show

so mean those weak

motherfuckers

they got the weakest dumbest

it’s like they

know the big

film but eventually like fuck it poor fools just wreck

their lives on tv i

cheaters is so fake by the way yeah did you know that

cheaters is fake

you watch not

always cause you got stabbed no

look at the stab video now

look at it now it’s like

watching et

now and you know you see how fake it is

have you watched the

stabbing video of

cheaters now

our brains have

gotten past that and now it’s so fake looking it’s

like this he’s like this he’s like

and no one’s like helping him out and he’s just

like there’s four people just filming him and

stuff and he’s just sitting there

i do remember he said

don’t stop filming but

yeah dude it looks like

watching et

now really yeah

you’re just like that’s a fake alien

that’s what

it looks like google that

right now and

this is the beauty of the internet bitches can you

turn it off so we

watch with them no

joey greco from

cheaters gets

stabbed right after

the stabbing now i want you guys to look at it like

all right is that real no

would this really happen do the one above it

is that the one

oh wait this one

cheaters getting oh

yeah yeah yeah

cheaters get even is what it is when you look it up on

youtube see how slow my internet is so wack

i’m wearing a white shirt

are you i’m wearing triumph united

that was probably

staged first comment on

first comment

on youtube the dude says that was probably staged

let’s see this shit

we’re watching it

right now ladies and gentlemen this is like we’re

watching two girls one cup except this shit is live

over the internet right now we’re about to

watch joey greco from cheaters i love the one comment

says i hope joey is

going to be okay this happened four years ago

the converse from

three days ago

hope joe is going to be

okay and you know what’s even creepy

about that i think i want to

find her stuff later i

read her posts and

by the way when you get your internet

hooked up we will be able to show them what we’re

watching just

can’t do it

right now that will be

hooked up next week

well next week’s

gonna be hooked up tomorrow yeah

next week’s episode

we’re gonna do this

every week folks

alright here’s the

cheaters thing

let’s watch from the beginning

by the way it’s beautifully filmed okay

oh some guy gets thrown in the water

okay somebody’s been stabbed by the way

yeah i’m alright right hold on hold on don’t say

hey yeah well the camera help him out he’s been stabbed

oh that looks real

well you gotta think though that if he did get

stabbed the guy’s a failed actor

and he’s gonna ham it up if even if he did get stabbed

and if he hammed it up he’s gonna you were stabbed

i wouldn’t be holding a camera and

stuff i’ll be like all right

i’m sure this is available we can find this out online

okay joey greco as i was name is yeah

joey that’s it

okay

yeah i gotta be honest with you it looks pretty fake

okay and there’s another part if i had a gas

there’s another part in the

video where they got the guy that stabbed him

right here cheaters host joey greco stabbing was

staged says paid actor

look at that and this just came out november

it’s an addition so this is a recent finding

so the recently finding out that

whole thing was yeah i told you oh

my man called it dude my brain has gotten past the part

where where

i can just tell

has been on the air for nine years now documenting

scorned lovers

come confronting their cheating partners

in the act with a camera crew in tow

it’s like an episode of

jerry springer filled blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah inside

edition reports today the stabbing was faked and as

as was a relationship shown on at

least one episode go to the inside

edition website i’m always a little

weirded out by reality blurred

websites if

those are just made up or not that’s a good point

might be just inside

edition com that

might not even be the

store right

inside edition com

my internet so weak wow

there’s another part where they have the guy that

stabbed them in a chokehold

if you’re in a chokehold

wouldn’t you just his hands just like this look

wouldn’t you be like trying to

punch the guy in the face that’s has you in the

chokehold are trying to undo the trouble

his arms like this in the guys that has them in a

chokehold and his arms

to the side you know

not doing anything

yeah this ain’t shit

okay investigates cheaters is it all hooks

each week millions of viewers blah blah blah

every episode blah blah blah blah blah blah

bobby goldstein is shows own executive

producers adamant that every episode is real

about bobby goldstein you’re so full of shit

bobby goldstein

you’re a fucking liar dude goldstein

bobby goldstein the show’s owner and

executive producer is adamant that

every episode is real yes

you’re showing real people

those are real people they’re not holograms

they’re not cartoons

but they’re acting motherfucker

come on man there’s some reshot

scenes left and right on that show it’s obvious

shut the fuck up whore i was gonna say

fuck is she talking like

that’s the inside edition broad

it’s probably she’s gonna say what’s printed here

that’s a goddamn lie let that load up knows

my mom’s internet show no i did this is just like it

was on the webcam i’ve got no juice i got nothing

the whole thing was fabricated correct says wyatt

all right so

it’s not real at all says carrie wyatt who tells inside

edition she was paid 500

to appear in an episode of cheaters she said she was

asked to pretend that she was having a toured affair

with one guy she

while she was engaged to another huh

well that’s a different

story though

they’re saying

against what that guy said that every episodes real

they’re just breaking that what he’s saying is fake

oh you hold on

inside edition your website sucks

yes look you have to hit on this little

put your cursor over this

arrow to get your text to scroll down i wonder

that this is a link you follow for my

other guys website i wonder if this is all fake

dude look at it no this is inside edition inside

edition inside edition is the

worst website ever look it’s flash

based you have to hold your cursor over i fucking hate

flash i’m done with

flash this is the weakest

thing i’ve ever seen oh you can’t take it and

scroll down

no you can’t do you can’t use your scroller

you have to use their

stupid thing and you have to figure it out

i thought that that was the whole article

cause it was it’s actually cut off

it doesn’t even say more at the bottom

shame on you inside edition

your articles your whole website sucks

so we’re gonna

move off of it bitch

but i think

i think i would have to go with that was a hoax

totally and rewatch it sometime and

watch when he’s getting choked and just watch his arm

if you’re getting choked your

arms not just gonna be like

gently resting on your side hold on this fellow

johnny bananas has a question says what do you think

about the suicide bomber that was a cia

double agent

what the fuck is he talking

about dude kim drought jordan

oh the guy who killed all cia people he was a double

agent is that

what it was his crew by the jordanians jordanians or

john jordanians i

think and he was a cia

agent as well

yeah i don’t know

he killed a

bunch of like really high

level guys yeah i guess yeah

something like that

there’s like news stories

he killed yeah so he was recruited

let’s say i

threw the jordanians and they’re like no the jordanians

never got a back or i don’t know

i’m so high i can’t even type

i’m googling the cia

suicide bomber news ticker this is some

crazy shit ladies and gentlemen that’s real

look at this guys that’s marijuana soda pop root buzz

it’s um i don’t like it i don’t like the feeling

it’s um it’s one of those

almost like narcotic feelings really like you look like

you ever you have one sodas i don’t like

edibles as much anymore period

yeah i don’t feel like

tripping i just want to get a little high and think

about some shit i don’t want to

invest that much day yeah

this is crazy shit

there’s a dude who’s a cia double

agent he’s the suicide bomber

he blew himself up in a bunch of

soaps this he was

worse than a double agent

well he was working for the cia

pretending to

be a cia and also working for a gas al qaeda or

the taliman or whoever the hell it is

who sent him to blow everybody up

but he was a cia

agent he was in

so that’s how

so many where was it

where did it happen

it’s loading up i

think it said jordan

the local yeah i guess

cia operatives killed by double agent

that’s pretty intense shit man

suicide bomber killed seven

seven central intelligence

agents agency operatives

in afghanistan last week was a jordanian double agent

who lured them into a meeting by

promising information on al qaeda leaders

a former us intelligence official said so they

he lured them in and just blew himself up

he got them to come to him

he’s gonna give them some information

and they’re all in the room he just went

boom bomb might have been

arrested more than a year ago

by jordanian authorities

who thought they had convinced him to work for them

so jordanians thought they had

gotten them to work for

their jordanians

wow they thought they can

but that’s the

jordanian good guys

yeah but how the fuck

well supposedly

you know how the fuck did they talk him into doing that

he only got arrested a year ago

so they had him for a year

thought he would

brought writing good intelligence god damn

what a logster that guy is huh

he gets friends

with them gets them all in a room and then goes

and just does the whole thing

just fucking blows himself up how crazy is that

oh this is brian’s new kitty you gotta see this folks

brian’s got a new kitty cat

let me see this fucking glare can you see it

is a short haired persian

so it is brown yeah exotic short hair

was too much glare from this oh you know i’m stupid

this

something that

goes into my

girlfriend’s work as a breeder

said she had kittens

and jessica wanted any

and i was thinking just kittens

and then she showed

me it i was like oh my god that’s like a real cat

she had to get it as opposed to what i supposed

to like a tom cat type

thing we think

we had such a good time with 10

you get a friend

yeah cats like having friends man my cat is a friend

you have to have friends

it’s cool when there’s

life all around you too

when you’re at home and you’re

anywhere you go there’s something

going on like a

creatures like

trying to create something or do something

that’s what i feel living on sunset

this man says joey greco is not his real name

wow well that

doesn’t matter

well it doesn’t matter

no he’s a lot of change his name he’s like carl svensea

he’s fucking fake

as a fuck are you sophia

how many times do people mispronounce your name all

the time but that’s

your fucking name son that’s a part of who you are

you can’t change your name you

should never change your name

arnold schwarzenegger

is arnold schwarzenegger

that’s part of the flavors is get this fucked up name

that’s that’s part of the

thing it defines

who you are

here’s the thing

about cheaters

start watching it and just

notice how there’s

never really good

punches there’s

never good punches

when the boyfriends

fight bob dylan

people change

their days all the time that’s gag

still was like chewing

kykenstein yeah that’s

right julie

kykenstein see bob dylan

he’s a fucking

self hated good you

could have been good if you just

stuck with his name with

would you say it was

joey kykenstein

if you stuck with joey

kykenstein and just

still rock the

house just that hard

maybe they would have just

said you know what

look janice

java became

famous and she was fat and ugly as fuck

she had a big fat

stupid face

was that really all good

i didn’t think

i’m totally off the

example i’m

not even make it sad i mean i’m not even go to the

heart of the army

which is her fucking name and tell

you like you know

who else is

cool like she

and me wear makeup and i like

these songs talk

about the cutest arguing

that’s like

the chemtrail

crop trails argument

just tell you something else and you’re like okay i

guess that’s

right man i

watched a documentary last

night on ancient

aliens on the history channel

i ordered on dvd

eddie bravo is just always constantly talking

about aliens ancient

aliens it’s like there comes a certain

point in time when someone is so obsessed with aliens

you run the risk of

why don’t you

marry an alien yeah you run the risk of like

not wanting to even consider

aliens anymore you

want unless like

it’s not real it’s not possible

it’s so possible it’s possible

you know what’s more possible

when you watch

these videos

these ancient

alien videos

where they talk

about these ancient

structures and

you know what

technology put

these together

i think if you just look around

at the evidence there’s not that much evidence that

aliens have landed

but there’s a lot of evidence that

life on this planet has been fucking seriously jacked

at least three or four times

like big ones that we know

about like mass

extinctions

you know that’s just

mass extinctions

what happened

from inside the house

jeff sussman management this is my management

they don’t even know that i’m fucking on a podcast

i would think that jeff sussman management

would be aware

of my podcasting from

three to five

on you stream

today it started at

three thirty

sandra well

that’s the best way we’re all gonna be

become one on twitter

i’m on the podcast i’ll call you later

bye that was my manager sandra

a very nice lady

she’s on the twitter

she said that’s how she finds out my

my schedule

i don’t even talk to my manager

you just twitter

real talk i talked in

occasionally

sometimes i’m elusive

sup brian

stone a little bit huh

let’s get take some questions from the

field ladies and gentlemen

what am i gonna educate dana and zufa

on copyright well i am

i am a retard i’m not educating anybody on anything

but copyright yeah

the ufc is threatening to sue

all these people that take illegal

downloads of the ufc

they’re just threatening yeah

yeah they’re just

talking about

well they’re talking

about putting people

in jail yeah and the threat of that is enough to get

they’re gonna make

make some examples and

stuff they’re

gonna throw some people that’s what the

la guy said

about pot stores the la

sheriff whatever

they’re like you’re gonna shut

down all 900 it goes won’t have to

shut down a few

don’t close

yeah he’s right too yeah

he’s gonna risk

going to jail

yeah just going down the block

no one’s gonna

there’s a dude that it was in

eddie school that was

selling he was

all licensed and legal and

everything like that but he decided it was too

risky it did and it’s like you

think it’s like no

obama won’t

it’s not you

never know there’s a lot of people

you never know

how to interpret them

well you know

the interesting

thing is it’s moving

along there’s on tuesday the 12th

or some vote in

california it’s on the message board

where they’re talking

about trying to

vote to move towards

legalizing it

i’m not a registered voter

you gotta register

you gotta participate in the fake game

after obama

i swear to god

i thought before

obama was in office i was like you know what this is

gonna be very different

we have a black guy

he’s a liberal

i’m like the very

least it’ll be

good for the consciousness of the country they’ll have

a leader they’ll have someone to look up to that’s more

peaceful and

has their shit together more considered

better and it’s

black and it’s been through a rough

childhood and everything

but he’s doing the same shit that they all do

he’s doing the same exact shit

it’s almost like they have all

these ideas and they get into office they realize

oh it’s not it’s easy to make it happen

but it’s not just not you got

majority powers

go along with

things like sending the

troops to afghanistan

send this extra 30 000

at some points

you realize what choice do i have i can’t just

pull everybody out and make it a huge vacuum and just

have to destroy itself that’s true you can’t just leave

yeah and then i realized i can make this problem

it’s way past the year

fuck you know well not way past but

if there’s any more trips but they talk

about how it

would become

a hotbed for terrorists that we left it’s a hotbed now

that whole middle east just mad at us

that whole middle east is mad at us

and it’s like now

it’s like once you start

bullying someone

and you start pushing them

once they go down

you gotta keep pushing them

you know that’s what’s going on

right now you

gotta keep them down no fuck you

gotta keep them down

because if they rise up

and they go get something to eat

and they take a nap

and they come back refresh they’re gonna

punch you in the fucking face you know

you’re gonna you’re

gonna walk out of a restaurant

that guy’s gonna be

right there

hey i want to talk

about what we had to talk

about earlier i

heard this thing

mpr the people that are being released now and sent to

yemen yeah and they’re worried

about them you know re integrating

more they said

the problem is no

one will give them jobs they are because they’re like

whatever and they’re getting

becoming disillusioned

and leaning on people like hokka

and saying oh

well help me

it’s like there’s newly being recruited like

maybe they were

wrong acute before but it’s like

so it’s like

their life is such shit

yeah no one gets

a job could have

gone in the

right direction they don’t

they just become angry

well because i can’t get a job and fucking wasted

eight years of my life what am i supposed to do it

you know when someone else is offering you

jobs and telling you all this

stuff it sounds right

god what up margaret here shit

place to live

could you fucking imagine

could you imagine

how lucky you

are that you were born in the middle of a war zone

i bet in places like that

simpsons only comes on like once a day instead of twice

what what was

it like to be pregnant to be a pregnant

woman living in afghanistan how

crazy must that be

the feeling

of vulnerability the constant stress of shaking

i mean that

would be just

absolutely horrifying

morning sickness

tuesday january 12th

members of california

that’s what they always do dude

california assembly will hold a historic vote on

statewide marijuana policy

members of the

public safety committee

will decide on assembly bill 390 the marijuana control

regulation and education act

which seeks to regulate and control

the production

distribution and

personal use of marijuana for

adults it’s a problem all these

things are just wide open so it’s really open to

interpretation you know no cash sales no it’s like what

house being

and then they really want to narrow

it down now

well if they did what’s

legal what’s not legal

and if they did open it up legally

statewide it

wouldn’t be much different

it’s very easy to get a recommendation

the recommendations of the problem the taxes

was selling the pot

well there’s always

gonna be that’s whether

you shut down not people not doctors

giving up yeah but with

these guys what

they’re saying is they’re trying to legalize it

this is not

about medical

this is about legalization for personal use

this is a totally different situation

they’re talking

about taxing it

and trying to make

money out of it

is to regulate

which seems to regulate and control the

production distribution and personal

use of management

yeah it’s not medical they’re not talking

about medical marijuana

federally medical marijuana

doesn’t exist and

that’s what fucks you that’s what happened to todd

mccormick when he got arrested

he got to court and in

court they told

him that you can’t even use the term medical marijuana

how wacky is that

right you can’t even say it

you can’t they say were you selling marijuana

and you go yes i was selling marijuana

under you know the assumption that

you know it was legal because proposition

250 they don’t

want to hear a fucking word of that

they go shut the fuck up

were you selling marijuana you were good

who’s this brody

what is this co host brody wants to

tell a co op

what is this

that means that he can be in a camera on the side

so you can look at his face who is this guy

brody stevens that’s brody isn’t it

no oh no nevermind boredom

boredom strikes what are you blind i am blind

no i can’t let go

no i don’t wanna be crazy

i don’t think my internet can handle it co host

how do you just somebody

just anybody but

i get on that

well now we

know now we know that you can try to promise

if you have somebody that’s

gonna want to you’re like oh yeah sure come

sit in with it like

it’s a problem you got a million people

requesting it

then it’ll go

crazy you need a

direct line i

think eventually everyone’s

gonna have their own reality show that’s my

my vision of the

apocalypse mm hmm

is it we all

have a channel

we’ll all have a channel

i mean basically that’s what we’re doing right now

well once you get the internet

you could have like up to six co hosts

where anyone

could have their i

think have their face on the side and you

could just mute them but if you want to ask him

a question you can join him in on the conversation oh

i like but we’re waiting on your internet

oh shit so we

could have like an interview like

mayhem and stuff like that

oh that would be beautiful

we could have a

bunch of people in it

we have a bunch of windows and they

could all open up to different windows

right and they

could be watching all the same time

we could move it like hollywood squares

right we’ll go to

go to whoopi

goldberg right

whoopi we also

put desktop

like overlaid

on this camp

we want to see the

show things

things are getting crazy

pretty cool right

this thing about

ten years ago you couldn’t even do something like this

yeah there was nothing

there was no twitter there’s no

the webcam shows were just

blurry pictures of fucked up girl showing you

their pussy and you had to be in

their membership to get that right slow

those bitches went out of business with the internet

they blossomed

those cam girls

but then that shit just rotted on the vine i miss

that though

cause you remember when

you used to have like that one cam girl and it would be

like a whole

group of people

that were all just like look at this she’s

gonna you know

you know what was really cool is that

crazy amber

chick she was really cool it’s just a sex

tease there’s a

modern day like like

well this this

chick chick would

do real porn so

her and her boyfriend do porns

and put them on the internet she didn’t give a fuck

i followed this one

where it was a girl that just had her camera on 24

hours a day and it was

just her and her husband living in new york but they

would have fucking straight on when they had sex they

would have sex

right on the camera but

other than that it was just them living

their life 24

hours a day

holy shit and now she

gotta stop that and now she’s a

successful author

and she’s trying to race her past you

know oh really

did anybody save the

video of her

and her husband fucking

i don’t know but google caches wonders

and i’m not gonna say her name though because

would you say cash wonders google cash

google cash if you go to google and type in

internet history

right there’s a thing that comes up

called a wayback machine you

could type in your

website and see what it looked like back in like 1985

you know incredible yeah

google is fucking we’re just talking

about this me and my tech friend that wires my house

he was like

google is like they have so much power

it’s almost like

if if google were evil

like we wouldn’t even see them coming

and they document everything

you know like

if there’s an artificial intelligence out there

it’s google

you know google is a

weird company man

i mean they’re so

powerful if they do terminator

they do mail they do

searching they do your fucking maps they do what your

house looks like from

space i think longitude is the scariest one the one

where it just

where you are throughout the

whole day so you

could look at it and see like oh i was here here

here the whole day and it records that information

puts it in some kind of database to see

where people are

going you know

that’s fucking

crazy that you

would ever sign up for that too

it’s fucking

crazy man the

whole google

thing but you

know they seem like a nice company and that’s

by the way that’s why gps on the google

phone is kind of

scary because if you use google

what is google doing with that information because

there’s a way

for them to use that information if you’re

using your g maps

you know right

talking about

where people are

going and when they’re going

right it’s yeah

my theory is you’re running it through google

now you’re running a gps through i’m okay with that

you know what’s really cute though

what if they were evil

and they decided well let’s just

have a lovable name like google

right colorful

we work really hard on our image work

really hard on being green and

eco conscious and

we really pay our employees well they’re all swell

but they’re just ruthless

monsters what if it’s the government

what if it is the

code that’s like area 57 branch

no shit what if they like developed

they figured the words

are not boycott

google because of

these idiots what if they sat down

what if they sat down and looked at the

trends that

humanity is

participating in like look

where things are

going technologically and said you know what

and they got

the best scientists on it and they said this is

where we think

things are going we

think things are

going to an online

based email service so you can access it from multiple

ports we think

things are going to

and they just

started listing all

these things and google’s okay we

what if it’s people from the future making sure we’re

going along the

right path what if mr jeez was trying to save us the

whole time yeah

and he was just

like this butler trying to be our friend

it was like

fuck you mr d

like a bitch

fucking say

shit i’m going to hell

i have answers

anyone how many pisses

as jeeves get a day i don’t know but web number

web crawler

remember web crawler

no no no that used to be like a pre good

i kind of remember that now

barely i don’t i remember

realizing that i didn’t have to get online through aol

that was a great day wasn’t it

was like what there’s another thing

i was like oh my god but that’s like

space that’s like the wilderness right you

take the mail a

browser and i’m

going my own and how do i get my email now

have to write all that shit

into a program and then get it from the

wow that was

crazy remember when you first

figured out you didn’t have to use internet explorer

i can use firefox or

something else

netscape just

went under a few

months ago they finally closed shot

isn’t it crazy

once on top of the

world once huge now

irrelevant and so

quickly within

a decade gone

you know so much

technology and so much

so many things that that were invented like

like cds they

just have this really

short life like there’s

gonna come a

point in time no one gives a fuck yeah

flash drives hold a fuck load more

and everything’s

gonna have a usb port shut up

you know it’s like

cds are like really hot

chicks that got old

you know like now they have no power poor

laserdisc poor

laser i miss

my laserdisc they

fully was a big

laserdisc fan he used to have

like even when

laserdisc was

dying he was buying up really good

movies me too

me too i got like terminator be

better it can’t be better

visual quality than

blu ray though

it’s not better than blu ray but it was better than cd

i say it’s kind of like how records were better than

cd but it’s better than dvd

image wise yeah

yeah but sounds better too

great so insane

blu ray so insane

hd is so insane

anything in it

you know in

movies and hd now

it’s just getting so crazy

this fucking avatar man

wait till you see this shit

who like visually it’s like whoa

i didn’t even see through a lot of

people i know it said that they want to go back in that

world and live there

whatever the fuck yeah

that’s what i said i said i fucked up that’s the

future though that we’re

gonna have fucking master

wires in our

brains are like

pick the avatar nineteen

here tonight

you’ll be able

to go place

two thousand nine

ability to go places

what do i think a

coast to coast with art bell that’s the

greatest fucking

radio show in the history of the universe man

they would always

every now and then they get some lame sidekick

on talking stupid shit

but for the most parts all people that knew bigfoot and

dudes who used to be werewolves but they

got keywords yeah and

yeah by the way if you want to know more about

what they were talking

about go to ask jeeves and

enter google conspiracies

and the first link will tell you all

about it oh there’s a conspiracy side about it

google conspiracy

why would i think that

see this is a thing

great minds

think alike

whoever you are out there

like us from november

twenty second two thousand two

is it that’s hilarious we’re so lame that was

eight years ago

we were just

going man you not believe what i figured out bro

if you fucking keep food cold it last longer

fuck it keeps food out last longer

that keep that

food cold life

growing on it

that’s good

for you i said if you keep it cold it lasts longer

that’s so dumb

of course there had to be a million people people

think there’s a conspiracy and everything

those then the nine eleven people man

those are hard fucking conversations

here’s the conversation so i was like

but maybe in the

night just to now yeah but

maybe it doesn’t mean anything

well the problem is if it was really but

maybe i’ll have that conversation with you

you know if you say

maybe the government you know really arranged that

building to be blown up

maybe bears arranged it but you know when someone says

maybe but the problem is they don’t say that

they go maybe

the government doesn’t give a fuck

about you and they plotted this

and they’re attached to that idea

they don’t know if it happened

there’s information that not even

saying it’s like fucking do you believe that you

sound like you do quit saying

maybe yeah i think they did this

yeah but yeah i think they just know that that’s a

ridiculous argument

it’s too hot nobody knows what the fuck happened

but the idea

that it was some gigantic fucking conspiracy that

thousands and

thousands of people are in on i’m not sure that

a few people didn’t know that something was

gonna happen

but the idea that this many people had to be together

and put what the fuck are you doing i don’t know my

phone just start playing music

your phone’s gay as fuck bro

and what song

was it i’m not

gonna even say was that

a lily allen

huh what was that oh that’s what it was an

alarm was it

along yeah yeah well what song was it

not anyone talk

about it just tell me the song

i didn’t download it

what alright it was

funny that for

you what song was

it lady gaga

oh my god that is embarrassing did you hear carmen

like it carmen

do you like it no

karaoke lady gaga

broke real funny

why did your girl put lady gaga on your

phone because my

phone connects to my cars when we’re

going in the car it’s like kind of like our jukebox

and so she throws

music on my

phone all the time

my girlfriend put it on there it’s a

modern day i ran into a wall

you know what happened

dougie my homie

you like lady gaga it’s fine

you like lady gaga whatever

i appreciate

cause she can

she actually knows how to play her instruments and she

doesn’t lip sync

she’s a real

musician oh

here we go haha

lady gaga oh my god

all that hermaphrodite talk it’s just more

plain enough for the media very interesting

very interesting how people bite into that

that one song though gives me fucking brain cancers

sharon cartman saying that was so bad

it hurts my mind

i didn’t see that

they did a montage to it later too

and you actually could hear the words when he says it

it was like

these are ridiculous

there’s never been a better tv show than

south park consists of

funny consistently

irreverent consistently brilliant it’s so

great get to

get away with shit that no one get away with

that whore off

when that gay dude

stuff paris hilton is asshole

to help her that was the

greatest moment of

television history as far as i’m concerned

the fact that they even got away with that

the fact that they went

there that’s

where you go if you’re

gonna go crazy you

wanna go crazy that’s

where you go

and then at the end

he shoves her up his ass and wins the contest

fuck man can we really put that on tv you know

but because of

these blocky

cartoons they got away with it and because comedy

central knows that they’re monsters

they’re just unstoppable people

wanna watch

them i don’t

think comedy

central gets to tell them what to do at all

i think well yeah i

think there’s a lot of that

i think they’re just like shut the fuck up i

think it’s preceded

by it’s just

it is not a

cover yeah cable

it’s just them saying

we figure the appetizer

might pull away

but the appetize

arm to pull

away from south park they

brand themselves as this thing

so everyone

who goes knows okay it

might be something like this they have

movie success behind them too

and that movie success

those two big huge films those

both films were

giant successes

i don’t know if they were financially but like i

think they were i

think they’re

teen america though that was one of my favorite

movies ever and they hate

they said that was the hardest

movie ever they will

never do that ever again

but man that was such a

great fucking

genius and i believe that it was really time consuming

but it was so

goddamn good i got to see the puppets in real life

even the silliness of

it when they had this

they’re releasing the

giant cats it’s just

kitty cats that are the same size as them

just close up

the whole thing just

black kittens

the beginning of it with the fucking terrorist

when that sex

scene was the funniest sex

scene i’ve ever seen

before that was probably like the safe sex and

make a gun when they’re covered in

rubber you know

but it’s like

there’s no funny

that was hilarious hilarious they’re

boning hardcore

and they see the unedited version

where they drop logs on each

other yeah oh

i did not see that

they pee pees on it too

right yeah what’s

unedited that wasn’t in the

movie no they cut it from the

movie otherwise it was

gonna need an x wow

pee and pooper no go

so how about when he

threw up and

never stopped

throwing up i just

kept watching

it covered in entire

block genius

it was so funny

i remember crying

laughing when i see that i couldn’t believe how

funny it was

i was like i

can’t believe they pulled away well they did that

first south park

movie and i

was like okay here we go and i was like wait this

thing oh my this is shocking

they did a musical

they’ve been waiting for a south park

movie this morning they

did a musical

and i loved it

yeah it was

great and they did a

great job but

how do you do a

musical was a

genius show

blame canada

yeah come on how good was that

how about all the canadians with

their heads pop off they

just have they all look different

they just look completely

weird and different

their heads look totally different

than regular

just the fact we accept that as a head that’s round

this thing is letting be connected

and bobble it up and that we accept that

okay that’s the head there’s the head

that shit’s

genius that show so goddamn good

like i was looking at a cartoon the

other day that the one that you gave me

the barney rubble picture

barney rubble

doesn’t have eyeballs no that’s

crazy black

he’s tripped out

black pupils but everybody else

on the show had eyeballs because his pupils are black

barney rubble no it’s all white

it’s all white

he’s got nothing i know

god damn zombie what

about on like yeah

what’s that

fruity pebbles

doesn’t have it no

i think well i don’t know maybe in

fruity pebbles yeah i don’t even know he was on

fruity pebbles i thought that was bam bam

and it’s all

pebbles right

i don’t remember oh it’s all of them on there i

think so an awful

expert in the flintstones

pretty pebbles but it’s just weird that

you just get

comfortable with the fact that his face looks like that

it’s like that this avatar movie

after an hour

i didn’t care that

chick was blue and looked like a lizard

i still wanted to fuck her

you were into it yeah man i wanted to fuck her

which and if i

lived with you

i would told you

no but if i

lived with them in the woods and shit i

would totally

think she was hot i

would totally want to fuck her

you know it’s like it’s subjective

but if she like made a

sound other than english i wouldn’t want to fuck her

she meowed yeah love it was like

they were they were the show be the old show be

whatever and they started like

i never watched that show

which show the v show

i like the old v i would not watch the new v

this guy wants to know this da78

fella he wants to know who do you

think is better in bed oprah or hillary clinton

hillary clinton

you think so yeah that’s a hillary

clinton cause i have a pussy

oprah winfrey

is a fucking huge

lesbo you think so yes really yes

her and their friends seems like more than one

who things like seem like more of them hillary clinton

more of a lesbian she seems like more

she made a you didn’t know but she had

sex and made a human

yeah so she knows

she’s at least accepted dick

right and you have no idea about we have no idea

that steadman guy

if there was ever a man that looked like a beard yeah

that poor fuck

dude i bet if you google

oprah winfrey

gay guys marry old ladies yeah new conspiracy theory

the orpheus

guy yeah i can see it out totally that’s why

ellen wanted to be on the cover with her

well she’s super

powerful man

maybe maybe she’s so

powerful that the testosterone

that she has from having like a billion dollars

the surge of

power that she has

maybe just made her

just want to dominate some bitches

maybe she doesn’t even

maybe oprah

only gets them to eat her

pussy oh yeah

she

doesn’t do shit

over is worth a billion dollars and she hangs out these

broke bitches

that’s what it is oprah

do you know

how much a billion that’s a thousand million

that’s incredible money

that’s an insane amount of money

she’s so rich

you couldn’t

spend that you

would have to go nutty if you wanted to spend that

she’s probably

worth more than a billion she’s probably

worth several billion right

super fucking winfrey

just keeps coming out new

stuff no one’s been ever been more successful

than oprah winfrey

like for daytime tv

yeah it’s not

even close i

still remember that old old

opera what’s the question i love

this question what’s up read it like how he writes it

this guy yeah

yo what’s your ethnicity

were you born into religion

it says yo what’s

your ethnicity were you born into a religion that’s not

a bad question if you’re eighteen i just like how you

born into religion

ashley brio

is that his name

ashley brio

oh so this is what twitter does it

doesn’t actually

scroll it just bumps

right you know when new people

leave him oh it does

scroll look it does a little bit but it’s really far i

think it’s low yeah

what do they have to do they have to put hashtags on it

and you follow the hashtags

i don’t know

why it’s doing that this what i was looking at

earlier they’re putting the hashtags on it

is that what it is no paris

keeps on saying

oh it’s yeah hashtag

that’s exactly what it is it’s hashtags

but why is it doing that that’s

weird but why isn’t it does have a little a

thing on it why does

it have that does it mean they’re

in this twitter room is that what it is i don’t know

check my iphone

a young hillary clinton it was you think

young hillary clinton was was cool yeah she’s good i

never heard

bang not bad the first time you ran it was like yeah

i don’t think that

yeah and by then she she had a child

who would you rather fuck now is that the story

now who do you think is better and bad i think

that yeah was

hillary was

hillary would give you some action

whereas oprah would make you eat a pussy hillary

would have better cocaine

i’m just not in the

blacks did you

just imagine

that’s what oprah

winfrey really did she just had girls eat her pussy

that’s hilarious and it came out just like

tiger woods is coming out that he’s a

freak and he’s

married with

children but he’s really banging like 16 different

chicks at the same time

what if it came out that oprah winfrey is this

crazy bitch

that just has all these

young girls eat her

pussy and they’re all

blindfolded

so they they

bring into a special room so they don’t know whose

pussy they’re eating

right like this is your rule this is your assignment

you will be paid a hundred

and twenty five thousand dollars a month

will you accept you know yeah

you can’t give them that much you’d have to give them

125 a year but she

would call upon you no you

get more than that if you want to be like that not

their blindfold and just go into a room they eat your

pussy 125 a year and

to be on call at all times yep on call

no it’s five thousand

that’s too much but you can retire i can’t keep you my

bitch no all you

have to do is work for a couple years you can retire

no i wanna do

it for life if i

wanna keep you my

bitch i give you

enough money

so that you get used to money

but you can’t really hold enough away

what i’m gonna do is for my card

is take someone who’s

super broke

start them off at 75

give them a 35 percent

increase every year

start them off at 50 but you

gotta get a

super bro alright

so i have 50 next year look i want to

leave now i have 50 grand

next year we’ll give you 75 oh

now i have to stay

you’re after that i want to

leave it all depends

150 this year

okay i can’t leave that

okay now i want to leave

300 this year

he’s out doing me

right now just keep

upcoming not letting

him leave yeah

it’s like hollywood

shit you can never

leave you never get

to a certain

point you have to be cultivating

other boys and

get him used

to the report

yeah you get him used to the

money and then look you want to talk some shit

hector over there is

ready to become a number one boy yeah

and hector hector

like sucking dick he’ll suck

three four he’ll suck my friends dick not to mention

if i got some guy he looks like he’s

28 now 29 the roads

hector is not a feel a grizzle

on your tongue

have to suck dick all the way from

guatemala to get here on the banana boat yeah

there’s a certain point hector’s so

happy to have a fresh pair of nikes

he’ll suck the life out of your balls

hector’s here he’s here for you

totally right oh yeah competition of being a male whore

you know in nevada they just recently

approved male horse they’re gonna have male whores they

have four no apparently they didn’t

apparently it was only females

what that’s crazy why would they not have it

that seems that’s interesting i don’t know

it doesn’t seem worse

this is the way guys

for society

if guys think they’re fred is gay they’re

gonna get him a male whore now

my dude you’re not

gonna believe what i got you for your birthday

i got you a fucking whore at the

buddy ranch

get the fuck out of here

that’d be a nice moment cause you’re like oh i

gotta fake it with this girl from my friends she’s

gonna be like

you guys knew

yeah it comes out i’m out of

nowhere can you imagine

you get him a whore at the

bunny rush just go in that room go in that room

what does she look like

don’t worry you’re gonna like it you’re gonna like it

you set them in there

and then the red light comes on it’s a

naked guy with a heart on it’s like yes

oh my god did you imagine i thought it was gonna be

terrible and

if the guy says

what the fuck

bang bang bang bang bang

you know that he’s just a little femi

he’s not gay

he’s just a little femi

quit wearing

sweaters my dad had a friend

when i was growing up i had a swore this dude was gay

but he wasn’t gay he was just a little femi

yeah look look if you didn’t know duncan trussell

there are times when duncan

trussell we yeah i act family

but i just think that it’s

i couldn’t act

serious and normal

stuff like that but i just always let myself

like who cares

you know like i know no no no no you don’t

understand me that’s not family that’s relaxed

this guy was like

that kind of he was

like people

are always gay

really you just got

into it yeah why is

it doing hashtag

that’s a better question

because that’s why it works

that’s fucked up did you try to fix it

and i’m gonna fuck anything up and i’ll try

does anyone know why it’s doing

hashtags instead the at signs in the twitter social

stream on you

stream yeah

cause they’re socializing

about the subject yeah

well it’s last

week last week it did at signs

that’s what we want we don’t want this hashtag bullshit

anyone know how to change it

from to hatch

hashtags to add signs

still do the same thing

duncan trussell

is awesome yes duncan

trussell is awesome

when he goes family he’s really just playing

duncan likes girls trust me

what’s up is red band a comic red band is done comedy

he’s technically a comic

he go up anytime he wants

he wants to fuck around

he’s very funny actually

wrote some good material

we have to get it

when we’re gonna

i can’t tell you about that what i was gonna tell him

about that show thing can’t tell you about that but

he’s done it a bunch of times

it’s just doing these videos even though it

doesn’t seem like it takes a lot of time

takes a lot of fucking time and he’s

gotta archive all this goddamn materials

doing open mic sucks ass that too

he puts me in front of him on

his sold out shows and

i’m like a noob trying to do comedy but you get spoiled

and then you have to go to when you go back to la

you go in front of like

three other comics

you know and he

spent four hours a day just you can have you know

five minutes on

stage it sucks yeah open my fuck that shit

i’m too old for that you know

yeah water i’ll be right back we got cotton mouth

so they’ll entertain you guys i try to

change the hashtag

why are they all doing it they’re all putting it in

it is because

brian what are the new

videos coming up or logged into you

stream via our twitter account

where the videos coming up brian

what videos what do you got come

on what do you got coming on your life

i’m not really doing much of videos right now

really yeah

ryan is doing a new thing

where he’s doing before a show on the road every time

he makes a video

specifically for that town

yeah like his material from austin

yeah if you go see joe do

stand up at most

places nowadays we have a thing called death

squad that’s like before the show it’s just kind of

collection of videos and we film a bunch of

stuff like hey we’re coming to austin

it’s kind of centered around that city

so make sure

you get there at least 15 minutes before the showtime

to watch that

stuff what’s that all the videos yeah it’s gone

yeah we’re gonna do that in most places we go to when i

they’ll be shown just that week and then done

yeah when i go like

to like one

nighters like dc like ari and i are doing dc this

next sunday

this upcoming sunday

brian’s not

gonna come this to that one

but when we

do weekends like the next week was the next weekend

to add some

will probably do it no tempe

no ice house private

next oh yeah ice

house then addison and tempe

it’s all up on my twitter page oh it’s

right in front of me i’m asking

questions it’s

right there

icehouse addison and then tempe

addison’s i’m looking forward to that i fucking love

texas how much fun is

texas i love

texas so much fun

i’m looking at

those dates i’m like tempe is

gonna be a lot of fun always is ice

house is always

a lot of fun but i’m like fuck man we’re going to

texas you know

it’s like the food’s a little better the people are

a little more fun it’s a little more rowdy it’s like

they’re like

healthier there’s like something

about them they’re like

they got something that we don’t have here in

california this

place is so

polluted by the

entertainment business

but yet i hate the east coast

most of it east

coast too angry yeah

why is it so

angry why are you so fucking mad

you know i grew up with a lot of guys like that always

everyone’s insulting and

they’re usually

the funniest guys because they have to like

learn quickly to deal with

you know people’s bullshit

but boston boston so fucking aggro

so many aggro guys

yeah everybody’s

upset everybody wants to fight

in new york how could you

i can’t imagine living around that many people it’s

rough so many people it’s someone said just this guy

t saps said

cause it’s cold

that is definitely part of it

boston is cold as

fuck in the winter

i was there in

october and when i was there in

october it was

starting to be freezing

it was like 50

but it was a different kind of 50 it wasn’t like la 50

la 50 is nothing this is

literally in january yeah yeah

we wear shorts

in january out here all the time well the

grown man really

should never wear shorts

oh my you can look at my legs

bitch what’s

wrong with my legs

well sexy and hairy and shit

when i get gray hair

in my legs that’s when you stop seeing me in shorts or

you’ll see me in

shorts with shaved legs seem like you fucking faggot

i’m like you

just remain

your legs yeah

shave them no i’m not gonna die

you die i know dudes who do their facial hair

yeah facial hair but i don’t i don’t do that

i’m gonna shave

i shave my balls i don’t dye my ball hair

so i’m not gonna dye my leg hair either

right can’t be

dying your leg hair that’s just fucking

other faggotry

line in a bathtub with some fucking

black ink trying to pretend you’re not dying

you’re dying man you don’t die your fucking leg hair

that’s hilarious

and have you ever seen like an old dude whose hair

is dyed they have like a reddish tint to the hair cause

the dye looks kinda

puffy these are

brown instead of a blonde base

could you imagine if you have it on

your legs and your legs look like sasquatch legs ginger

ginger sasquatch

who is red band what does he do red

band is the guy who if you ever saw the carlisman see a

video you seen his work

have you seen the jew

clan video you seen his work and if you

haven’t you really need to

check that out google jew clan

and look away the

he does all the videos for

for me for my website and for you know we just

it’s like one of the

things we do when we go on

these shows and

we travel to all these different towns one of the

things we do is we a lot of

funny shit happens and we film it and

brian takes all that funny shit

has to watch

nine hours of bullshit to get 10 minutes of awesomeness

and so 10 minutes of

fun and with the

right music and the

right editing and he just makes these cool ass

videos i just heard some director talking

about he shot this movie with julia moore in 21 days

and the editing took five months

he thought it

would take they said 10 or

12 weeks he goes i’ll be i’ll finish in five to seven

five months

god that’s so much longer you guys can make a joke

funny you can make a joke not funny

you do whatever

you want through editing i can’t even imagine

shit i hate dealing with is

just the music because i make my

videos around music

but then if i pick

a song that will get me banned off youtube and off all

these websites then

in fucks then you have to try to do with your own music

or make your own kind of shit

and then you lose the

creativity part

because you’re

like working with bullshit instead of working with led

zeppelin you

know it’s fucked up

i hate it i know it’s

like one of martin scorsese’s best

movies goodfellas

do you remember the

scene where

it was all falling apart

for what’s his face

it’s all the coke we had

it’s all the

money we had

remember when he was driving in the car and looking to

help us out

yeah the music

was so important to all that shit

it’s all that rolling

stone shit you know

i mean it was like

that was that made

not to mention well not

to mention at the end when

he put in when

he’s picking up his mail or whatever

or the newspaper and they have we did it my way by my

sub vicious

but he was like that’s a reason

he’s not using the

sinatra version

he’s doing it on purpose he wants the fucking

that version of it this

bastardized version of the mafia that he’s trying to

show it’s like yes

it’s important yeah

this music is so important to a good movie

all those that’s one of the

great things

about like scorsese

kind of you know

yeah francis iv

cobalt they know how to pick the

right fucking music man

know the great guys

they know how to

really jazz it up

right and did all

those good the bad the ugly

those were all

sergio only

always use any or more pony or whatever his name was

the good apparently ugly

i wish i knew how to dj

i wish i could like remix and

stuff like that

cause you watch

it seems like

it’s so much fun and then you make your own

music and that’s

you know in a way

you know in a way yeah and

i just wish i could

do that what’s

weird where is

every now and then a guy gets through and is huge

like there’s that guy i

think his name is tiesto

he’s a gigantic dj

and these people were

telling me this dude was telling me that he went to a

tiesto concert on new years

it was like this big

thing i think he did in

south america and he said it was insane it was really

crazy fifty thousand people yeah like more

and they’re all on ecstasy

i mean like

just fucking

utter craziness

hundred thousand people on ecstasy

and this guy is

jammed this guy gets

apparently he’s like this

multi million selling

dj guy don’t know

where they make

their money i

guess they make

their money on personal appearances yeah yeah

for the show

dj sounds so good when you’re at

nightclubs right it

sound like oh yeah i get it good

right yeah they’re good

man ecstasy

i only did it once

but goddamn did it feel good

it’s just named

right it was like it kind of feel yeah you got it

it felt so good

but it scared the shit out of me the next day

the next day

yeah i never

got one of those

i might have had shitty ecstasy

i might have to get me some good ecstasy

and see what happens

but it might be my biochemical method i

think it’s more that yeah

it’s a real gospel

yeah djs produce

music but they produce

music that’s

like other people’s

music that they’re

like piecing it together and making it their own

but there is an art to it for sure

you know yeah sometimes the people that make the music

don’t see it as well as someone who’s listening to the

music you know i know that sounds

crazy but it’s possible that a dj

could take a song that

wasn’t really that good and make it pretty fucking dope

and that’s possible sometimes

remixes are better than the original songs you know

most of the time it is

like if you go to a

party ben or what’s that other dude’s

girl talk if you go download some of their

music they take some really good songs

man you listen to him mixed up and

stuff like i actually like that better yeah

and like well that’s what everybody says

about quentin tarantino

right that his themes are all stories from like

other movies of older japanese

but he makes them fucking badass

you know yeah

it’s an interesting

little fine line there

kick paris 7891 we’re having a

fight in here

this dude is telling someone to kick somebody off

oh paris because

paris keeps on saying hey super

cool joe how much

money do you suck my cock

ribbons good

how much money do you have fella

you think that’s

the real paris

paris hilton

do you think cities are on twitter

how do i ban you dude

delete this message from

this yes i want to ban the sender

oh cool bam

sorry bitch

nobody’s getting their cock sucked now

i was what i was

gonna do is suck everybody’s cock that was listening

but you had

to go and fuck it up son dude i didn’t know joey

diaz was here oh that’s alright

why you so rude

going deep nowadays

always going deep

remember the old

re that would

smoke half a hit and then like

in a car accident on the way home

i remember when used

to get nervous for getting too high going on

stage you got barbecued in vegas

how hard you get in vegas yeah

who you kept

going we had a joint

and usually this is the way it works when you do comedy

one hit and

this would be fun this

would be fun to get loose

two hits like woo

you’re trusting

and trusting the universe and

you’re trusting your

state of mind

we have four hits

we were fucking blitzkrieged it was like nah

all right we’re just alright fucking one more

we were fucking blitzkrieged

the worst is when i was so

stoned like my

first week out here you invited me to go see you at

fear factor set

and he gave me these

these are like when lollipops

first came out

and he’s like hey ohio boy

brian come here

you want this

lollipop i’m like alright sure

and so i take it

and then like 10 minutes

later he’s like

can you feel anything yet and i’m like no

and we’re like let’s take another one

so i took the

second one yes we took two of them

and then joe’s like well here

hang out with all the directors and producers in this

trailer i gotta go now

and then it

starts tripping

and i’m like

they’re like hey

brian how’s it going

and they’re like

like outside so

so head on my head on my yeah i was

i called you out

of diablo for like

three months

you know what that’s how much i hated fear factor

i hated fear factor so much that i had to do it

that i would get barbecued

i would get so fucking hot

i would take these crazy

beyond bomb that was the name of the company that

would make them lollipops and i would eat one of

those before i would do fear fact and i’d be

blitzkrieg to the

point where i could remember what i was talking

about 10 seconds ago

and that’s how i would do the show

but it made it so much more interesting it’s fun to

watch fear factor now knowing that though

cause like all

the episodes you can tell your eyes are all glazed

over and you’re just like oh my god you’re gonna eat

it must be so

windy and energetic out there

the producers knew it and

liked that fact that i did it because it made me more

relaxed and funnier

there were so many agro douchebags on the show

i’m sure the producers

they must work with so many agro douchebags over the

years so many

and if you want

to be a douche you can make your lives miserable yeah

most of the people that did

that show were really cool they were there to have fun

trying to win some

money holy shit i’m on tv

you know so there was a few

got like stars

yeah they got

douchey well not only that they got

aggressive you know

there’s some contestants that were like really

aggressive you know and that was

annoying because

they’re all hyped up trying to win this fucking show

and they would

start shit with me you

know they’re at home in jersey practicing if joe rogan

said some shit this

woman said to him so

you don’t really say it but they go anywhere anyway

they’re already

wrapped up by the time they get there i’m like hey man

relax i’m here to help you yeah you

relax i was yeah

so the weed

helps with that

the weed helps

nothing helps you deal with

aggression better than weed

it does help forgive sometimes when people

watch it you’re like all

right there son very nice

was that the

vegas show last may says a doona

a dunja adu

and jay i know we were talking about

yeah we’re talking

about saturday night

friday night

the we do the

house of blues in

vegas all the time we also do the palms

and i’m gonna be doing that like

every couple

months we’re

gonna do the palms more

yeah i’ll give

it to a while

later but yeah

it’s a regular more of a club

yeah i think so too and if it’s similar to the other

stuff and it’s like do wear it

set up that way yeah

the only thing i don’t like

about the palms is that

the stage lighting is not the best house of

balloons is all like really lit up well but they

might have fixed that by now

that’s not a big fix just a spotlight

but yeah so either way we’re

gonna be in

vegas a lot

talk about mma

joe fuck the mark gaden

oh that’s john

copenhaver i wonder if that’s the real john copenhaver

it’s the real mark aden

war machine

would have is that the real mark gaden oh that’s cool

real john copenhagen

war machine

wouldn’t have a fucking

little tweety

bird next to him

what is up with

those tweety birds the yellow and the green

that’s no picture

they just joined or there

a lot of ufc guys war

machines got a

picture him looking all buff on it

the palms has the

naked girl pick

on stage yes

that is yeah exactly when you’re on

stage the palms

right to your left there’s a

naked picture there’s a picture of a girl showing her

pussy what the new in the new place

yeah she’s got a tits are

out and she’s like showing a little bit of pubic hair

right on stage

and then oh

cause the playboy

night yeah it’s like the playboy

comedy club yeah

it’s very strange man

but i think we’re

gonna do that

i think we’re

gonna do that much more

to the next one we’re doing that in february

is there any female

comics that you know of that show

their pussy all the time like hey look at my pussy

like joey shows

his balls yeah like any no

it’ll get way creepy

that’d be awesome yeah that’s a problem

guys i wanna see it

again right

that’d be awesome

be like yeah

there’s nothing

funny about a girl showing her pussy yeah

a dude pulls his dick out

of a what what

it’s funny but if

it’s like look i’m fingering myself with my cell phone

what happened when you were young what happened

sarah silverman yeah sarah silverman’s funny

but she wouldn’t be fun if she showed her pussy

she’s fun if she talks about her pussy

but if she showed it

she killed i did that k rock

thing with her last year there’s like a

like some k rock comedy hilarious

crush god damn she crushed it she’s funny man

do do do do pat nozzle up to

yeah he’s hilarious that guy’s

a really good writer i always seem at starbucks

he’s always with his kid he’s like being dad

mr dad stuff with the

kids family

he always surprises me with

where he goes

with his writing i really like his writing

you know his

stuff is like

he’ll go someplace with and he’ll take a premise

that like you

would think like

maybe you would like

think about like

maybe i’ll talk

about this on stage

and then you know and it’s not

funny enough

but he makes it funny

he actually makes the joke out of it yeah

he beats it down and conforms it and makes it funny

with his writing

he always takes shit to a

place i’m always surprised

come to seattle i’m

gonna come to seattle

motherfucker eventually

josh come to

a new place

is it better changed it

i don’t know

i’ve not heard

of this this is a

stupid way to see this because

these hashtag

things yeah

this is stupid

why well because it keeps

scrolling and i can’t fucking read it

at least when you go to

actual twitter it

doesn’t do that

when you go to actual

twitter you can actually

sit there it’s probably way to stop it

yeah i’m not

looking at hashtags i’m just looking at that

that app thing now i’m

gonna just look at that now can we do that

it depends it seems like

what happened with

the i think what you streams

thinking if that’s who he’s doing it

i think you

streams thinking if there’s a

ton of people that do the hashtag

then it’ll show up as a