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and with that said here we go buckle up bitches

shit’s about to get freaky

the joe rogan experience

you know people complain about that drum

thing in the beginning that don’t don’t smash

they’re complaining man that fucks in my hearing dude

i don’t like it it makes me blows my speakers up

it’s there to let you know you’re alive

wake up you know

to let you know yeah

it’s uncomfortable yeah it

doesn’t feel right it doesn’t sound good it’s a hook

that would be better than

then then you just

talking like hi i’m here

maybe come on maybe that’s better no is there a better

there is no better there’s no better

there’s no better

ladies and gentlemen that drum thing is tight right

brian whitaker and daryl ryder in the

house ladies and gentlemen what’s up guys two mad

savages attacking the comedy

scene in los angeles out there

fucking making shit happen you guys are in the

grind you’re out there biting

it’s been a while

and scratching

yeah man first of all thank you for having me on it

thanks for being on my friend oh i

appreciate it i’m glad you’re both here and it’s funny

well it’s accidental that

brian’s here

like joe was like who the fuck is that i don’t

know i’m like oh daryl

might have brought some

crazy friend no he’s

lucky he was

my friend too

i couldn’t see your face man

i saw the sun

line i was like

but last time we had someone here

pete johansen

brought his wife

she just started talking

while we were in the

middle of conversation we had to give her a microphone

i’ve met her man she’s nice

she’s nice she was nice

but it was squirrely

yeah it’s like he’s attached bro there’s

met dudes that are attached to

their wives

and some dudes you

never see that

motherfucker without her it’s like this is the unit

they come as a unit they

don’t come individually

it is what it is man that’s

our turn to talk

but that’s like

ralphie and lana now yes

yes that’s like

ralphie and lana now yeah

yeah they’re like attached to the hips yeah

she’s a sweetheart

but you don’t see

him without her

brian is his

microphone not on or something yeah it’s on it’s just

so am i just not

how’s that no

but daryl’s daryl’s

doesn’t sound

right is it

it doesn’t sound

right to me either but now

now it does

now it does

now sounds louder okay

okay folks at home what the fuck

at all this time over a year

trying to get our technical

fucking shit together

and work with us dude i

got i had technical envy when i went to adam corolla’s

place i went to adam

corolla’s house to do the podcast that

motherfuckers got his shit wired

i’m an amateur

man he’s got

stacks of compressors

i mean stacks of

audio compressors

not just one

but we don’t even have one

when it gets loud it hurts your ears sorry

no i can’t someone’s

like when joey deere is over here you fuck

that’s different

joey when he

starts going off like that

brian has to dive on the the

microphone thing

it’s like a

staff with what how many

would he’s got a lot of people working for it

well he’s doing

like adam adam

adam does 12 jobs

right now yeah adam no

you’re not adam does

a totally different setup

first of all

unimpressed he’s got people

oh yeah after ghetto i know

this is ghetto

as fuck it’s disgusting

he’s got people working like the cameras he’s got like

individual cameras on each

individual person and someone manning a

switch inside

so there’s a person who does that

then there’s a person who looks up

stuff on the web and pulls it up as you’re talking

about it so i have to google shit myself

he’s got dudes to pull shit up on some giant big screen

yeah and then he’s got a

sound effects

board which is

that was the one thing that i would cut

like in the

middle of the conversation a dude hits buttons and it

sounds like a jail cell closing

or another one

sounds like a dog oh

man he does his podcast

at lewis club

and dog it’s like an hour and a half set up

but it’s tight like if people go to see it live

it’s fucking

wild corolla

can ramp like the

best of all

of them that

motherfucker

can go off on anything he went off on the public

school system in la

by the time he was done i was

ready to vote for

mayor i was like

dude i’ll register

you’re the mayor now you’re the mayor of

la when was the last time that you

voted man i

voted for obama

okay cool i didn’t

i’m not happy

about it now

now i feel like i got duped

i feel like a dumbass

i feel like it’s all the same

i feel like i

i went against my own

thinking on all this

stuff i’ve always said

which politics are like pro wrestling

you know it

might make you feel like you’re you know

you’re rooting on pro

wrestling you

might feel like you’re participating but i don’t really

think it counts

i think you

gotta kinda give em a

break and you know like for

y’all that never

that don’t know me

joe knows me

race is not an

issue with me like i’m

i’m a nascar fan

i’m a country

music fan so it ain’t one of

those things

but i think in this

particular case

he’s the first

black president

and he doesn’t want

to overstep his bounce that’s what i’m hoping that it

is oh that’s

silly he fucking treading

really like me

because the president

he’s like really

treading really

lightly because what he

should have said when he

first got in

and people started

bitching is calm the fuck down

i’m cleaning up some other

nigga shit i give me some time yes

but he hasn’t even

done that man

he hasn’t even fucking he hasn’t really

he hadn’t really

stepped on nothing man he’s been walking around real

light like he ain’t

making calls now i mean you know we’re going to

one of the fucking libya i mean like he’s got this

whole new well now honestly i’m

offended i’m

offended that we’re even talking about this

like we’re even pretending we have a fucking clue

oh i can’t vote so

it’s mad speculation i don’t really care

cause i can’t vote so either way and

it don’t matter to me man daryl did some bad things

i know that’s come i wonder why michael

joey diaz is that

let’s talk about shit we know about half of

joey diaz’s act is what

listen i can’t vote motherfucker all

right i got felonies

no you fucked up man i don’t know whether

obama’s real or not

i don’t know what it is but

all this wall street shit

watching inside job and reading all of them

you know matt tybe is

he’s a writer for rolling stone

he writes some independent stuff too but

he writes these brilliant articles for rolling

stone where he sort of like details the

depths of the corruption that’s involved

in the financial institution

and it’s like wait a minute

first of all if this is true

how the fuck is this the only guy talking

about this man

how is this the only guy screaming in the streets

how is matt tyebe the only

bad motherfucker who’s writing

these articles that’s exposing everything i mean

there’s the guys who’ve made that inside job

movie there’s matt

tyebe and then

where the fuck are the politicians

where are all these guys why are they getting paid

it’s money it’s money it’s

about money shortest

example of corruption we’ve ever seen sure it’s

about money and

the whole funny part is

just like you would tell somebody to put

a weed dealer in jail the first

wall street dude

that has to do hard time it’s over with

that they will end

that they will stop doing this shit

though i think you’re crazy no they won’t they’ll start

killing people that’s what they’ll start doing they’ll

start killing people that put people in jail

cops will come up missing dude

these are you talking about

billions of dollars

you’re talking about

money that’s beyond

our comprehension you’re getting to like

where guys are getting fired because their bank failed

and they’re getting hundreds of millions of dollars in

bonuses it’s just it’s okay

now now see y’all are awesome

keeper thinking than i am

when is it that people are

gonna just grab the pitchforks and

start chopping these dudes heads like

as long as they’re comfortable man as long as

there’s enough comfort

where people can

sleep and they can watch

cable and they can get fucking wendy’s

you know you get the double cheeseburger

and as long as that it’s all there for them

people aren’t gonna

freak out when shit gets bad

is when people don’t

have food when people don’t have gas when people then

then riots in the streets happen as long

as they can keep the

infrastructure up and keep

supermarkets

stuffed and keep

a reasonable

amount of jobs available they can just keep

fucking us just notice

the fucking increase lately and

these asshole bums who

drive up with a car like asking you for

spare change at the fucking gas station

you’ve had a guy pull

up in a car asking for chance no they fucking they want

money from you to make

their car go

further they’re begging you at the gas station now

from a car run

a road trip

have you had that no

no not on a road trip just

just especially an imagine it happens

real bad in la no no he’s saying what he’s saying is

that’s a sad story

that’s oh yeah well yeah i’m stranded blah blah blah

right you stranded from home go the fuck back

i’m talking

about just guys who

want money to make

their car go further

that’s insane

that’s it they just

pull up they

pull into a

gas station and they stay there and they take up a pump

and they just want your fucking money

they’re just asking

i’ve never seen this

never seen this once

i don’t know

maybe i live in the

right neighborhood

so you guys are getting

asked at the gas station

all the time this is a regular

where the fuck

do you live man i live

around yeah i live around

franklin like by the by the

capitol records bill

okay so you’re

you’re in the hood you’re i mean in in hollywood

the wood i should say not the hood

he’s in the wood

i didn’t mean the hood

you’re you know you’re

right in the

heart of things

trendy boulevard

yeah trendy

whatever so you get fed up

you know what man you’re

white it’s one of the

things that comes

in a white guy

with that brown

that’s that’s

never happened to me man i don’t have to

worry about the money

not like that dog like they

might hit me

up for like change to fucking get something to

drink but just

drive your car up

to a gas station they ask somebody else with gas no

and they take up the damn pump and they stay there

until they get something

see somebody

would have been slapped by that

some guy hit

me up for money at disneyland really

while i was

carrying my kid yeah i’m in disneyland your impact

comes up to me

and he’s in

disneyland too yeah yeah he’s in disneyland too

he tells you some

story about his parents i

could do get the fuck out of here

that’s crazy

how the fuck did some

young kid he’s like 19 20 years old

and he came up to me

and just with this fucking

stupid story

about his parents and he needs to get them

somewhere and

they’re short

i don’t want to hear

it did he know it

was you i have no idea what he knew

i didn’t want to hear it i was like this is retarded

you know you

need to get a fucking job or shut the fuck up

which one of the

other either

you’re ripping people off because you’re faking

all this story or

you need to get your

shit together and that’s part of life you don’t always

have your shit together from the get go and when you’re

short on money

sometimes you have

to have peanut butter sandwiches or rolled pennies to

make your what’s the time to get

dinner assholes at the gas stations that you guys have

apparently never had to deal with

i don’t know in case anybody else

has who’s listen

it’s like if you can’t afford a fucking car

you know just get a bigger car called a fucking bus

you know people out there on the ground

no it’s just really

it’s just really

weird man like

work for my car too i mean like one of the

things that

i think that i go through and i’ve been

blessed in that

type of concept

is just what you’re saying and that’s personal

responsibility like it’s no

secret i fucked up

earlier in well let’s tell people what what you did

tell you what you did i shot a crackhead

well what’s the story what happened okay

let me tell

let me tell a

story you want a joke you wanna hear the real

story i wanna both give me the joke first

joke it did not ruin it well anyway tell me the real

story then tell me the joke won’t be as good

right you know what

the joke is the real

story what happened was i was selling dope back in dc

and this guy

i had fronted him some

fronted him some dope

actually it was crack

and it was it was a

crackhead and like he was across the

street from me and my boys and we were

drunk on this patio and shit

and he was across the

street and i was like give my money motherfucker

drunk and everybody like haha

and this month in this jackass is

gonna say fuck you i ain’t paying you shit

i think you owe me like ten dollars

so all of my boys were like oh she’s

gonna let that crackhead

talk to you like that and i’m

drunk with with the fucking gun

so i shot across the

street to scare this motherfucker but i hit him don’t

get rest is history

wow how old are you then

i was i see i was twenty five when that

god damn did you realize like after you pull the

trigger we like what the fuck am i doing okay

kill him i just shot his ass you

still didn’t

think like what

the fuck am i doing i just shot a guy didn’t

freak you out

no i was too

drunk how drunk

could you get

no when you how long you selling

crack for how many years

crack like year and

a half but i was selling drugs like all types of drug

like just exclusively

crack like a year and a half what got you into that

i don’t know man i’d like

did you like listen to too many ice

t songs no it had

it had nothing to do with fucking rap

music and nothing it was just like this is the thing

that pisses me off and i

the the culture

that you come from

it’s no well not me i mean not you but me

the culture

tries to dictate that you can’t do nothing but certain

things and be successful now i’m not a dumb

motherfucker as y’all know cause you

cause you’ve heard my comedy stuff like that but

that’s pretty bold of you

but it’s like you know what

when you’re a certain

age you just talked

about shooting a

crackhead and didn’t really bother

you that much

and then you’re like

i’m obviously very intelligent you guys know this i am

well i know that you

gotta fucking

look you gotta look

at yourself i’m pretty

smart cause i only did two years for that shit so

brian and i are the only people that are high

right now i just

wanna let you know

for the folks at home

going there’s two different

frequencies

going on here yeah yeah

yeah i got daryl high once

and i was high for

four fucking days like i’m used to smoking dirt weed

and joe got the good shit him and

ralphie had that good shit

we put them on pluto

dawg i was i

think i was seeing shit

like i was talking to people that was dead

and having a conversation with him just

chilling dawg

jesus christ

dog that’s some superman shit that he

smokes man i’m not used to that shit dawg

i can’t fuck with that

it’s the real weed bro

that’s the real weed that other

stuff is fake that other

stuff is just to get you to find the real weed

it’s like you found it

feels good the

other stuff is like wow this feels kind of good

wow i’m kind of hungry

wow things are so funny i’m giggly he

i was like what is this

this is another kind of weed this weeds called

trainwreck no it was

funny i wasn’t laughing as shit everything was cool

everything was

serious because i was having conversations

that was fucking

you having conversation with people who

weren’t there yeah

while watching

nascar while

watching nascar

i watch nascar sober don’t try that shit

you don’t fuck around nascar is a serious

thing nascar

is that a nascar cap you’re wearing

right now what is it number you better

not ask that question i don’t know come

on don’t feel

bad i don’t know shit

about any sports

dale earnhardt

okay i heard he’s dead

yes that guy’s dead yes and his son

still racist yes his son still hmm

you don’t have a lot of

money in nascar i just thought you like

three it’s a lot of

money in that shit wow

you really didn’t know that this was

dale earnhardt

for real how

the fuck am i supposed to know that a number is some

particular man’s number

how would i know that

that’s a very good question

cause you cause the

ufc doesn’t have numbers on there

no i don’t i don’t

literally i don’t even know the rules to basketball

i don’t know when someone

gets mad at someone i’m like what did someone do

i’m like you wait a

minute you’re mad that he touched you you fucking pussy

what kind of

wack ass sport is this

of fighting mostly i mean like in

every the sport at least i don’t know

about you but i mean like to me it’s like

every the sport is just kind of like a delusion

of you know like i don’t know it’s just a

i like other

sports it’s

watered down fighting and like you’ve talked about

a fight in a game well i’m interested do like do like

do like your

do like your fans know how much you really

fucking follow fighting like just yeah

okay they pretty much know cause it’s like

the thing about sports is

what sports don’t have

what fighting doesn’t have that

sports do have team sports is

the joy of seeing all these people work together

there’s something beautiful

about a basketball game

where one dude makes a call and the

other dude fakes a pass

runs in passes it off

and the other dude hits the three and

everything falls in line like they practiced

it and you’re like look at that man look at that

and everybody gets

crazy and they’ll high five each other

you don’t get that in fighting it doesn’t exist

so there’s something

about teamwork there’s something beautiful about

watching a soccer team

pull off some

crazy pass that they’ve rehearsed

many times and the guy shoots the goal in

there’s something about that

when everybody gets together and hugs and cheers

you don’t quite ever get that in fighting

and fighting it’s very much me it’s individually

i still love the competition of

like i think even in comedy

certain comedians

that competitive nature

drives them more than

others a lot of people eliza

slushinger man

she was talking about how is her number one thing

was that she’s so competitive than

my dog i have no problem with like dog i

i think it makes for

great comedy because you can be friends off stage

but dog when it’s you and that

microphone is

that gets your juices going like

i’ve had so

you get real competitive too you get competitive

with other friends

not competitive

in a negative way like i don’t dog

other people’s comedy

cause i’m not the comedy police

but what i do do

is if you just killed

i’m not dying dog that ain’t

happening because it’s that competition like i’m not

gonna be the one that

brings the show down

you know what i mean that’s

funny yeah i

think i used to think

about it like that

i used to feel like that i used

to feel like well i don’t want everyone to bomb it or

go up there and kick ass but now i don’t think

about it like that at all

now i only always

think about i’m like what’s the best

thing to think

about the best

thing to think

about regardless of the circumstance is the act

is what am i gonna say

where’s my head at what am i talking

about that’s the best thing to

think about

soon as you

start thinking about

weird peripheral shit

like he killed and what if they like him more than me

i wanna make

sure they don’t

that’s not necessarily

the competition that i’m

thinking of but probably because of the fact of this

you know i’m just getting to the

point where

i’m starting to even

people start to even think

about me headlining

once you know that you you are the show it

doesn’t matter no more

you know i’m saying like and just like you you you said

i’m still scrapping out

here you know what i’m saying as far as getting to the

point where i’m headlining

so i gotta kind of

think that a little bit

but once i know that i’m the show it

doesn’t matter whether the opener pulls a

monkey out of his ass it really

doesn’t matter

how long you’ve been doing comedy now

it’ll be nine years this year nine years what

about you lebron

i’d only count three

three years yeah

three years i mean that was just pretty much

that was yeah it was

march oh wait i

started working at the

emperor i was

i was a bouncer i came to this on

total fucking accident

i was a bouncer like red off skid row

in downtown la like for two years like in this little

those bars they got

out there to move the hipsters in and make it safe and

everything and you know just make the area the

i’m not familiar with that what

are they doing oh

jesus all right well

basically they’ve been slowly slowly slowly pushing

skid row in downtown la a little bit further like just

towards the fucking

river if you’ve

never seen this by the way

we filmed fear factor

down there we used to do downtown la shit all the time

nice to drive

up skid row it is yeah it’s some fairfactors that’s

crazy for the

folks that don’t know there’s areas of downtown la

like a fucking george romero zombie movie yes

there’s just

i’m talking

block after block

of just crazed out homeless people who are

sleeping right there on the ground

with shopping carts and

you know one shoe on and tattered and everyone’s

cracked out and that’s why

it illegal after a while go ahead

well they made it illegal

after a while for them to put the tents

up during the day but they were always up at night

you made it illegal you have to take your tent down

there’s another

thunderdome it’s a

whole goddamn thunderdome of just homeless

press shitty politicians

and then we made a law you’ve got

to take those tents down during the day

unsettling and i was just working out

there as a bouncer for a while and it got depressing

after a fucking bit so i was looking for a positive

environment to go to to offer my services so i went to

it was actually

comic steve

simone he t told me hey go try at the

comedy club

go be a security guy there

at the improv yeah

into the improv

and then he

started going on stage

yeah well really

cause yeah i just got a little bit pissed

cause i was

stuck in the showroom

watching at

first i was so stoked

cause i was working around you know all this

laughter and

everything like that and then i go into the

showroom and i had to be making sure that everybody was

behaving during a show and so many of

these comics just

such a much

heartless hokey

crap and you can tell they just look into

they’re not up there

for the audience they’re not up there to make people

laugh they’re up there to get

their fucking little you know sitcom career

going and all that

and i got pissed and it was

anger that drove me

towards the

stage so you went up because of bad comedy

yeah that’s interesting it made me mad

and then i had to

daryl met me from that

he’s actually

weird because

yeah yeah you’re hilarious

saying you’ve calmed the fuck down do you know how

wired you are yeah fucking

homeless people want to fucking fucking want my fucking

money fuck you man you can’t have my fucking money

you know i saw

these fucking

comics they’re all

heartless and

daryl knows i’ve calmed down

daryl knows you’ve calmed

down and daryl also knows that everybody knows he’s

smart this is a strange

group we got

here i know

i am smart that’s our little duo act

call me smart

we need to get a new farrelly brothers

scripter on youtube fucks

no but it’s like

i actually do

some comedy shows like

three times a year

down there it’s a big ass homeless shelter

down there and i and i’ll do comedy shows there like

three times

a year really i’m telling you man it’s fucking

it’s a zoo man but do it

it is a zoo it’s a

human zoo but doing comedy in there is fun

as shit yeah

really just imagine

i can’t imagine

that’s people who have made gigantic mistakes

almost every step of the way has been a mistake

well yeah that’s almost and that’s a lot of

human beings man there’s a

point where they don’t consider themselves

human anymore yeah

well they’re not anymore i mean

at the end of the day i had to

shoot them away for

a long time it’s just like shit

being human

is just like some program that you run over the animal

system that

that runs the body

you know being

human it’s just

that’s so fucking fragile so when

do you think that the

so when do you

think that the

humanity leaves as

soon as shit gets ugly

as soon as the

power goes out as soon as there’s no food soon as your

baby’s crying as soon as this guy’s got it you don’t

soon as soon

as shit gets ugly man look at new orleans man

new orleans look we saw how ugly that

got there was so many murders in new orleans during the

katrina they didn’t even they can’t even

i don’t even know what to do

niggas was murdering people

in new orleans when the

lights was on they

were but it got

worse it got way way way way

way worse it got

worse it got

worse with the cops too the cops went

off zombie vigilanteism

there were cops who were driving around in pickup

trucks picking people off with guns

there’s a lot of

crazy shit went

down in new orleans man a lot of people were killed

you know and that’s just

look yeah new orleans is bad as

it is but so is la man look what happened with ronnie

king with the ronnie king verdict you

know people

forget about

how crazy it got down here that’s

the place i’m

in the country that different

riots in different cities but this is

hold on you guys can’t talk at the same time

i’m not gonna kill

in my hands

this is the

whole theory oh

thank you this is the

whole theory with that though

that shit went crazy

until it got to about beverly

and then that’s when they were like y’all

niggas got to go back to

where y’all came from y’all can

y’all can burn is that true

y’all can burn down

inglewood and you can burn down compton

but once it got to like beverly

ish that’s when the national

guard was like

y’all ain’t coming up here is that what happened

yeah i was here

during la right so i was living here

i was living

in palace verdes at the time i was

13 years old

and i can say that

here’s pal’s verdes

out by it’s

basically like

south bay area it’s the peninsula where

so where is it in relationship to

like to the

ghetto i mean like

basically it’s

yeah those are

you pals verdes means technically it’s technically it’s

about ten minutes away from ten minutes away so you’re

close so you got to be nervous

i mean like really this is

a freeway so it’s not like they’re

gonna march down the freeway they

know exactly they scared people you know

it gets ugly

but i remember i mean like i think it

could be kind of like a physical

barrier that’s more than just cops when it comes to

these i mean la is kind of like this

it’s like this big circle

and on the inside of the circle is like this is the

pit of shit and all that and on the outside like you’re

kinda safe like the

beach and then the hills and

everything like that

and it’s like this physical barrier

that’s an illusion that’s only for

level one situations what are

you talking about

level two and

three situations

everything’s off

limits there’s

chaos in the streets

the cops abandon

their positions

no but we were talking oh

yeah robert

just stop when like when

you come to a hill like this you stop because you’re

thinking if i get caught up here i’m fucking

i’m not getting out of that

right but listen to what i’m saying this is only

level one stuff you’re talking

about no chaos you’re talking

about no loss of

civility you’re talking about

it’s basically

society’s running and it’s just a few fuck ups that are

going crazy

well when the

shit hits the fan if the shit ever hits the fan

it’s not gonna be like that it’s not

gonna be like that it’s not

gonna be civility

no of course not i mean

cause like just being in jail like

doug it’s a

whole another

world and it’s like

i think a lot of times that i’m

still kind of institutionalized with like

just little shit like i can’t

sleep in my

house without a door or like a window open like

a patio door why

i don’t know it’s just something that you know

so someone can

sneak in your

house in the middle of the

night if they wanted to

are you telling

people you don’t want people to come in and kiss you

come on in so

guess what your ass ain’t leaving but come on in

you can leave i mean come in

but you ain’t leaving you’re

scared of kisses

oh fuck that

well yours yeah i don’t

understand what this is this a freedom

thing yeah it’s like it’s like

it’s like being able to know even subconsciously

that i’m not

trapped yeah wow that’s

like yeah how many years were in jail for two two yeah

damn and it’s like

even with what you were saying like i hate

when people use the term

subtle to anything it’s like

it’s just terminology

nowadays is just pissing me off because it’s like

dog i’m a firm

believer that it ain’t no such

thing as racism

no more and i know it

are you talking

about i’m raising

that’s the most

ridiculous shit ever

those nascar

motherfuckers got you

brainwashed

there’s racism

everywhere there’s sexism and racism and

black people hate

light brown people it’s not

it’s not that

is some shit that people make up so that they can make

money off of that shit oh my god

jesse jackson has a w

man no i’m not you two

need we need to pause this

thing that you both both you need to get high

this is ridiculous no no

because listen joe joe listen to this though listen

to my theory okay

my theory is this

when you give yourself

an excuse to fail

then you have that excuse whereas

there was a time that my race could stop me from

accomplishing certain things

those days are over with now

so as far as the racism as we

think it is i don’t think it’s that anymore the race

my race can’t stop me from doing anything that i

wanna do it’s certainly less intense

but it doesn’t just

because it can’t stop you from accomplishing your goals

doesn’t mean it’s not there

no matter what you do it is

human nature it is a genetic

imperative that we judge

we look at genetics we look at the shape of a

woman’s body

your body tells you this is sexually

attractive because this is a

woman’s gonna have good

babies it’s

our entire society is set up

you look at

people that are bigger than you you become intimidated

it’s natural that person

can dominate you physically all this shit is in place

you look at people that aren’t you they’re

black and i’m white

maybe they’ll side with themselves and

maybe they’re on

their own team and i

should be afraid

of them because this is a different team

it’s almost

completely natural

now as an intelligent person

you’re supposed to be able to recognize this is just a

human being that was born chinese and this is a

human being

that was born african and it’s all just some

crazy lottery we’re all in this together and you should

judge people in

their actions that is

that’s the intelligent

evolved approach but

how many fucking people are intelligent and evolved

it is natural that

racism is gonna

exist it’s gonna

exist just like

being stupid is always

gonna exist

it is it is what it’s a

human instinct well

maybe well i

could be racist

right now if i wanted to

you could be yeah if i wanted to if i’m not going to

but that could

exist in this room

it could exist that’s

insanity easily

but to me it’s

still insanity

you’re saying two totally different

things and on one hand i totally

agree with you

that you can accomplish anything you want to do and

oftentimes you put limitations on yourself saying

you know hey as a

black man i’m

never gonna get

past this hey as a guy was born up here

i’m never gonna be

on television i’m never

gonna do that you can impose those limitations on you

and those are

self fulfilling

prophecies man you can really decide your life is

gonna be a shitty

life you’re

absolutely correct

about that no one can stop you from doing what you

wanna do but they will try

don’t think they won’t

don’t say things don’t

think racism is

i didn’t know it’s not fair but you can’t say

racism isn’t real

it fuck yeah it’s real

but it doesn’t mean that it has to stop you

and it doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it but

it means that slowly we’re moving away from the animal

but how long have we been

a human i mean when you go back

at what point in time does it stop being a

human is it

australia pithicus i

mean what the fuck

which monkey is it

where you say that’s not a

human anymore

so everything from that

is trying to get away from being an animal

the animals

still here though

it takes some time

to get all that shit out of your

system well

you also have to be i

think forward thinking

in that type of concept because

you know what for instance

i’ll give you a great

example of this you know what i’m saying

um just the fact and this is

gonna sound weird

just the fact that i’m on this podcast

for instance

it’s it’s plenty

of of comics

that i respect and i love

but they would not let me into their home

so what is that

you know i’m saying is that

racism or is that

would you say that though like you

like every time we’ve hung out you like man i’m so

happy hanging out with me and what the fuck you talking

about we’re all hanging out together

but you said that to me when i’ve gotten you on

stage before yeah you said you know this

guy but i don’t but

i don’t we get we all go on

stage but know what

you putting that shit on yourself no but you don’t

understand the

stages that i normally get on

i do though because i seen you at the improv

you get at the improv bro

it’s not like you only

get on stage

these shitty

places but i was saying that to say this

it’s not a matter of

what race i am

as far as that’s concerned is just the comfort

level you know i’m saying and

where you were saying that people see

stuff a certain way

i think that i programmed myself to

put racism out of the

picture and just handle myself a certain

way i understand

that i can’t i

understand that done that with your mind right

understanding that you’re doing that so so

so maybe me making that blanket

statement was a little bit too much

but in my mind i can’t see

racism as an option for me

to blame something or something exterior

for me not doing

what i guarantee you we can have an awesome tv show

where take you and put you in a fucking bow tie and

bring you around

white neighborhoods in the

south and you will

see some fucking

racism like you

wouldn’t believe

what you’re saying

i mean i’ve like been to the

south man i know you have

i’ve been to the

south i love the

south because

what i’m saying you by yourself with a clipboard

going through

white neighborhoods my

whole theory

now see now

write down every time someone calls you a nigger hmm

i need more paper

shit i’m out of paper bro you need a fucking phone book

we’re not i

wouldn’t say

racism dead either i

think that’s always a bold

statement he’s

making but i mean like honestly like we’re at a

point now where it’s like

like all right when when

when people

wiggers for instance okay wiggers

people say all

right we’re

very dangerous word to sweater

they wish they were

black they were

still bad saying we’re

gonna i feel when i say we’re

gonna somebody i feel

like i kind of sort of said nigger

well yeah but

you pull that

motherfucking trigger

wiggers don’t want to be

black though

no you gotta remember

i’m trying to tell you i’m like

weird aren’t anymore just trying to be

black people like this

like an old person you’re taking this way too seriously

this motherfucker ain’t

laughing with us he’s got his wigger

point that he wants to get

through i want

to make my let

him make your

wigger point god

damn is it more

powerful when i say fuck

fucking wigger too i know

but no all right

they don’t want to be black

they’re wiggers all

right they’re not we’re not talking

about they want to be african americans they want to be

their wiggers

you know i mean like they’re not looking to take

obama’s place one day

right trying to be

these thug ass retards

like the lowest of what you know the

black race could possibly have to offer

and i mean like

basically this is just something

that is again generalized

in the old school thought

whereas nowadays we can say no

any block are

you talking

about man you’re talking

some nonsense bro

you’re just talking jazz right now

for those of y’all that hoe fucking joe

like go ahead let him make his

point so i can get higher

yeah i’m firing up

right now talking nonsense son it was like go

ahead and talk

cause i’m getting listen it’s very

important to

get called on nonsense talk because you can go your

whole life talking nonsense

and get away with that shit i’m

starting to have

heart palpitations

right now about what

about this show now

from what from being so high right now

really see tofu no

coffee but i

could always get hired joe i had the most

crazy thing happened to me last

night i found out

about a whole new sex

fetish that i had no idea existed

and it’s the most disturbing fucking

thing in the world it’s

for kids when you’re a kid and your mom yells at you

and you liked it

you know when your mom used to yell at

you you hated it but there’s people out there that when

their mom yelled at them

they loved it and so when they grew up

they like these

things called gigantic

women and so

the old sci fi videos of

the attack of the sci fi

are crumb type

women yeah or

the attack of the

50 foot women and

stuff like that

so there’s now fetish websites

where it’s like little gi joe characters

and naked girls

and it’s fucking so

creepy the lifestyle that there is

so this the fetish is

women with daughters

dolls women

with small dolls that they kind of tend

that it’s a person yeah

and like they’re like

command them to do

things they lock them up in cages

and they have full on

movies wait a minute the

women command the dolls to do things

or they’re yelling

at the dolls like you know kind of like as a mom

like i was talking

to one of the girls that was in one of

these movies

and they’re like yeah it’s really

weird because like you’re yelling at

these dolls and then like one would

knock over and then you have to kind of set it back up

while you’re in scene

and stuff like that so

i went to this website and this is a beautiful website

at first i was

shocked but now i

think i love this shit and i

think it’s the coolest shit ever

it’s called giantus

net g i n t

g i n or g i

a n g i a n

t e s s dot net

giant giant

test and they have forms they have chat rooms they have

everything like that but the

crazy thing is that they sell clips

of like like girls oh

what the fuck girls

hold on small

look at this shit

joe just look at this

what the fuck

dolls with little

penises that they’re

sucking on the dolls yeah and there’s like parts

where like they’re putting dolls in them and each other

still yelling at the dog

when they put them in each other

but why is it dolls

i don’t get it

it’s because it’s

the little man

but it’s a little gi

joe doll yeah they pretend that that’s

them or something people yeah people sit there okay

you know what

it’s a little

green doll and it

doesn’t even look human it’s

stupid looking

thing it’s got a big flat bottom

where it has to

stand up you know like it’s surfing

you know that always bubbed me out

about those dolls like you people

you can’t even make a doll

with army men

right you can’t even make one that

stands on its own you have to have a surfboard

under it everywhere that’s creepy

you can’t even pretend that’s crazy

my favorite shit’s the

emily parker once if you look at

search that website for the

emily parker it’s also on sizefedishzone com

and you’ll just become addicted to this shit

well i’m looking at the forums right now

man look at

this i’m afraid of scientists and

small men oh my god this forum is

stuffed yeah and it’s just so strange

it’s all these girls and they’re sucking

these the dicks of

these little tiny men

yeah like little

dicks that they put on them

this is so strange

dog this is awesome and it’s super

popular and it’s

weird like when you see

these sci fi

movies with

you know attack the 50 foot woman

most guys just go

wow that’s kind of

cool a big woman

but there’s people addicted

to that shit like that’s what that gets them off wow

so i spent all night

watching shit

there’s a lot

of people with a lot of time

on their fucking hands

though is it a time

thing man or

that’s a time

thing developing a

human being

from child to

adult is very very complicated and

all sorts of

things are set up in place

to make sure that you become a

successful person or to encourage you

and when those

things get hijacked

and weird shit happens like

abuse you know

weird little

little fucking fetishes develop in the mind

look at this this

is a trailer if you go on youtube and type in

giants trailer 2009

this is kind of give you a sample

where it shows a really oh my

god woman and

little people

what the and it’s

and she’s standing around in the middle of the

street oh my gosh

she crushed

the man she just

crushed him

yeah and look at this it’s

just giant women and

small men whoa

and there’s

small women

in their underwear

and women are

stomping on them and they’re

swallowing them and

stuffing them in

their pussies yeah

and this only came from

their moms yelling at them

that’s what supposedly

like the people that are into this thing it

has a mom look how

small these ones are yeah

that’s a big bitch

this goes to show it’s how you build man

you can put

any kid through anything i

guess it’s just how you

built that is

insane okay you

know what that’s amazing that’s insane

that’s fucking

and i’m addicted to

it now i now have that fetish and it’s not for a boner

totally see

where that’s going i

could totally see

where that’s

going i don’t get that

that’s strange yeah

i’ve always thought

about that because

the indian in the cupboard

i was always

thinking like wow

this is a book for kids

about a naked

half dressed man

that is put

he kept them in his pocket

and his name is like

bear or something like that

and there was something

weird and sexual

about that naked indian guy and your kid

if your kid if

your kid came up to you and had a

naked indian

man in your pocket you’d be fucking pissed was he a

naked one or was he one of

those indians with all the feathers and shit yeah

well no he had i

think he just had like that little you know

loincloth a little

loincloth with a little feather

bowl hanging out on one side

little naked man hiding in your fucking

plates and the kid was like

never tell your parents

about our secret

huh that’s like fucking yeah

it’s a fucking

indian in the cupboard

man they don’t make

sex stories like that

ever was there a movie

but in a movie

who was in that movie uh

somebody romantic no no

uh fucking let

a girl down

no no was in it

the guy from the

oh my god but let’s just find out the wedding

the guy from the

what’s the movie with

hugh grant no the guy

from the movie

where they keep

going to weddings and fucking bitches

oh wedding crashers yeah the wedding

crashers the one guy from the wedding

crashers went in it cause

he played the cowboys it’s

a movie from 1995

i think he played a cowboy in that how scardino

lightfoot and lindsey

crow are listed as the actors

so i don’t know who

oh no he was in

no he was in the

smithsonian movie

never mind okay

telling you we’re

gonna have a new rule

no more sober people

when they come over here they don’t smoke

okay look here’s here’s what the deal was all

right let’s be let’s be perfectly

i am a drinker you’re

about to say perfectly

blunt but you don’t

even say that word do you no you say i

am a drinker

but i wasn’t

gonna come to joe’s

house fucked up listen so obviously

you bitches need

to get on some comedy steroids that’s what’s going on

need to get on this weed

stop playing around

playing games

you playing games with your future

you’re risking

you’re risking your future talking nonsense yeah

who i’m not talking

about you can you

can save you from this

we can save you from this

no i’m still

tripping out

who the fuck pedophilia is important

what that is whatever that is we need to find out

about that we need to investigate who

the fuck has time for that shit man i know

it’s not a time

thing man it’s like that’s what they like best

if they had all the time in the world they

would do that if they had an hour a day they would

do that how do you find out that you like that shit

that’s a good question your mom yells at you

no it’s more than your mom yells at

you your mom

spanked you and then

she felt bad about it so she jerked you off

you know i’m

saying it’s like something like that has to happen

early on deeper

than that man

shit whereas though

you have to discover that you like that

shit man yeah you have to discover that and then the

crazy thing

about the internet is

if you like something

there’s gotta be a website out there

where there’s

a gang of other people that love it too

you know it’s not like the old

days that’s the

scary thing

before you mentioned it joe um zoo

yeah oh my god

that’s crazy

yeah cause they were talking

about how like they thought they were

alone and then the internet came out and then there are

other people who fuck

horses too and it’s okay

and you know i can be part of a club now i mean just

yeah zoo is one of the weirdest

documentaries ever and

it’s weird how

they did it too because it was like a reenactment

they didn’t really have footage

so they had a reenactment and

everything i thought they were just cutting away real

quick the editing

was in the reenactment

of fucking up no

they had like the actual

video of the dude getting fucked to

death by the

horse and then like the

noises were fucking disturbing i mean you sure you

could imagine that much but i mean

i admit it i got rock hard that

did you get hard

which part what part got you hard during a fucking

other horse

all right the guy died

hit that shit kid stop playing around

some motherfuckers want

to stay sober

kind of shit is this

get some of that daryl stop

daryl stop playing around

around everybody fucking around daryl

daryl just have a little

it’s better for you i’m telling you

you’ll see the

world in a better

light i see it

don’t be scared of weed bro

it’s on it’s not real

i took a little

pussy it’s like nick

diaz says don’t be scared homie

the reason i quit the wait

joe i mean really it’s not because you know it’s a fear

thing or anything like that i just the last time i

think it was

it was my old boxing

train and he was leaving

the gym and i was like okay you know he wanted to

smoke so i was like it’s like a little bonding

session that we have and so we smoked out and then

after we’re done smoking out i mean he’s a

stoner and i forget he’s totally

used to it so he’s like alright get out of my truck

and i’m like you can leave me

alone i’m just high as shit

i end up going home eating all my food and i

watched america’s got

talent for an hour and a half

and then i woke up

going that was the most useless

fucking night of my life

i mean i just that

sounds like a good day

depending on who the

contestants

are in america

i should have gone and

tried to do something

so that that ruined you this one time was smoking weed

she said that i know i’d stopped years before

but then i went back and i was like well that was dumb

i was just like for real it’s not for everybody

but a lot of people they give it up too quick

no i think know what

i was just telling him this before we went on

i’m like someday

i probably will go back to smoking weed

cause i don’t find nothing

wrong with it it’s just at the time

where i’m at right now

i’m on ground

mode so it’s like dog i don’t have time to

just be high you know what i’m saying so it’s well

depends on what

you’re trying to do you know some people are

trying to get high because i just want to get fucked

up not i just want to kick back and they just wanna

just chill out and get fucked up and just sort of

skate their life away and just like

but weed makes me more ambitious

i mean i don’t know

about you but weed makes me like realize like damn i

gotta get some shit done i would

be scared to be more ambitious than

have you real ambitious yeah

it’s like but

not in a hollywood type of way just

like a life type of way

it’s so much

stuff that i’m

using comedy

for in my life you know what i mean

more than just like

tv or some shit like that

it’s just you

know i look at comedy sometimes as penance

i look at it as penance

oh yeah what

do you mean i’ve done some evil shit though so you

think comedy

is somehow or another

your punishment for doing this evil shit

no like penance as far as

payback for the evil shit that i’ve done making people

yeah laugh is like okay penis

or like is that the right word

penis not quite

maybe i see what you’re saying though

it’s okay whatever

the word is i know exactly what you’re saying yes

i guess i guess you

guess you were

right about me

guess you were right

about me saying that i was

smart because i’m

using wrong fucking words

well you’re not a dumb

guy man you know

immacculation proclamation

you said that in a

black voice you racist

fuck no but it’s like what’s

wrong with you brian

like um like

like for instance um

i was lucky enough

to get with

the managers that i got you already know who they

are but it’s no i don’t who’s your manager oh you see

um i don’t pay attention to shit

oh no anyways

i’m managed by

george college manager man

jerry hamza

okay wow yeah

and i like got with them that’s pretty huge

yeah and it’s like dog

so as far as me being

what kind of advice they give you dog

it sucks for me stop being so

black try to grow to that ponytail out there

can you lighten your skin and

no it’s can you

do a clean set

no it’s actually just the opposite really go

black her no

get a tan no

nigger it up a little dog

i’ve actually had people tell me that right

now dog what

they tell you

i’ve had a dude tell me right

there was a manager that told me

cause i do shit

based on the

news and shit and he was like you know what

you really should stop reading the newspaper cause

black people don’t read newspapers

and i’m like what

well who told you this

dog it’s a fucking

agent that told me

i’ve heard some of the

worst advice ever from

agents and managers

here’s my favorite that

kevin james old manager said kevin

when you lose weight you’re losing rules

he told him

to not lose weight because if you lose weight you’re

gonna lose parts you won’t be able to go out for rolls

that’s insane

you won’t be the fat guy

fuck being healthy no

you’re not capable of doing it on your own

you’re here and

you’re gonna get

lucky exactly

we’re not gonna find some special

talent in you he also said that he would

never be the lead in anything

gonna understand just because of your body type they’ll

never be the lead

meanwhile the fuck man

dudes like can’t

clean for seven years is in

movies that make

hundreds of millions i just shut the fuck up

it’s always bad advice

it’s always the

motherfuckers that can’t do it

that tell you what you can’t do well they

make see there’s the reason being is they make

money from you

and they want to figure out what is the

way they can make the most

money from you what is the way you’re

going to be the most

successful and they

think that they can kind of mold you and

get you to become something that you’re not and that

thing will be more successful

but they don’t

understand you’ll

never achieve

greatness that way not that we ever will

but you know

i mean you never hit the zone instead of achieve

greatness it

sounds very

grandiose and

i never think

about myself that way honestly

but i do think of hitting the zone and i

think you can’t hit the zone

if you’re trying to pretend to be something that

you’re not or you’re putting on some sort of an act

i think you hit the zone when you have like the purest

expression of of your thoughts on

stage in an

entertaining form

it’s it’s your

your real thoughts it’s not

like because you

did to try to

get someone to like you more you know you’re not

dressed i’ve done that before

dressed a way to get people to

like more like cause

you cause you

cause you touch people

more of an authentic type of way if it’s you

yes you know i’m saying like you sure but you

honestly it’s the only way you touch them

the only way you really touch them

yeah like and i’m

and just the opposite with my manager is he has so much

money from carlin

right that he’s not

really in a

hurry to make money

which sucks for me

but in a career it sucks for you what do you mean well

cause he doesn’t

like this is

probably listening

right now just

going around well this

is one of his favorite

sayings because i was like you know it was some

stuff happening

and it was some

stuff that i wanted to try out for

and he was like doc

that’s not good for your

career in the long haul and i’m like well i need the

money and he’s like will you stop

thinking like a

broke ass nigga

and think like a he

said that to you

broke ass nigger

yes whoa cause

your wife got it

wow maybe he just took you on just so he

could use those words

you know what

i’m doing it’s his fetish it’s his

giant woman

giant woman

no cause it’s like no and

he’s right okay

what was it that he told you not to do

i wanted to try out to try to do def jam

on like comedy jam yeah

unlike comedy central and he was like no you aren’t

gonna do that shit you aren’t

yeah he’s like you aren’t

gonna dumb down your your comedy to be on this bullshit

here’s here’s the

deal dude you don’t have to dumb it down you just have

to do your best shit just do do some shit this tight

some shit that’s

funny and tight you don’t

he’s that’s

silly but what but what

wound up happening is

i wound up getting

this special on showtime it

instead that’s uncensored

that’s basically me doing a spot that’s me

it’s everything that i do

which is what is that for what is

going on oh it’s on next saturday april 23rd

on showtime

it’s actually with john lovett

okay is it a jump what is the it’s john

leverage it’s john

leverage presents

okay and it’s a

bunch of comics

yeah it’s me quindale and ian back

okay nice yeah it’s

gonna be fun

man and it’s like uncensored is all of us doing 15

with john each and shit and um

but here’s the

thing about def

jam just to

counter your

managers what he said

dave chappelle did def jam

okay yeah but that

wasn’t me that

was when it was necessary though joe you did

right didn’t everybody do def

jam that was

when it was

that martin

lawrence to def

jam those guys

that was when it was necessary

yeah but bro

it doesn’t matter if it’s necessary

unnecessary it matters is there a

stage is there a

microphone do

you want to do it do you want to do it then go do it

really yeah you’re just doing

stand up man

who gives a fuck if it’s on def

jam it’s you

when they say

ladies and gentlemen

dale wright

and you take that

microphone it

doesn’t fucking matter if it’s on def

jam or if it’s on anything it’s just you

you with a microphone on a

stage and a

camera on you chappelle’s done it a few times even did

the poetry jam he’s done like multiple the poetry jam

yeah that was some

ridiculous shit

if you want to write all that

slop you better give me some fucking laughs in there

i am a strong

woman grow up in the projects by the time i was six

strong like

by the time i was

eight iron instead

i am what i am rise from the fire flames in

inside of me wanting to

burst out not wanting to accept my lower clap

i just made that shit up

and i can you can go up there and you can write

those they’re easy and they’re stupid and

stop it why is it

shut up why is it always the light skin

why is it always the

light skin black people that write the fucking

as their confusers the

white mom and the black dad and the

white mom is really into yoga and tofu what

the fuck do you matter

about man black dad didn’t want to

stick around there’s a lot of issues

she can’t really

quite rock bred dreadlocks she tries but

to get up there with that nose ring and spit out that

fucking poetry jam that’s not poetry that’s bullshit so

this i should clarify

i’m bullshitting mostly i’m just playing around cause

i went to a poetry jam

breeding once in venice

and it was kind of interesting

there was a few people that were legit

it’s like they had

some legit thoughts you know it’s like

most poetry you say well what is it it’s

horseshit it’s a bunch of

self indulgent

wishy washy nonsense

but then you read like bukowski

like bukowski had some poetry that you’re like whoa

like he had a

great fucking

story about

taking a shit having a beer

shit and his wallet falling into the shit and it was

really fucking

funny but it was

basically poetry

i mean it was poetry in

these little

short stories did you ever

write poetry to like

women or ex

girlfriends or anything like that

cause i would die

i would pay

money to read one of your fucking phones

probably so weak

i must have

i can’t remember specific i know i left some weak ass

voicemails all right oh

well you were your kid

first of all

you get dumped and you don’t want to accept it and you

want to figure out there’s got to be a way to get this

chick back and so you start

trying to pretend

and trying to like

manipulate the

you know the situation and pretend you have feelings

other than the ones you do

it’s not even that you want some

pussy i think

it’s like your

self esteem

doesn’t want to accept that this person

doesn’t like you anymore so you just

start pretending to be someone who you’re not

it’s natural you know

to be at one

point in time

it becomes a game it’s like you know when you

teach a chimp

and if he puts

a bunch of little pegs in

order then a

piece of fruit comes out

well that chimp’s

gonna figure that’s his reward

thing you know and

for a dude like you

start getting

pussy and you

start getting love

and then all of a

sudden this person

breaks up and you’re like damn

what little buttons do i have to press

get my apple back

you know it’s

like song once for a

chick i don’t play any fucking interest yeah

a fucking song i don’t know because it was so unlike me

like non tough do you talk

about it on stage

oh god i have to

start because i mean you should

i never had to sing it i

swear to god i

could have sworn at the time

i was thinking like well if

if she sees this come out of me

i’ll just sing

it to her without any fucking instruments

or anything

like that oh my god

i cannot remember that and

i’m so fucking thankful i

never got around to singing that song i cannot

remember whether

i ever is there

any one thing

in life that’s more embarrassing

than a song

that you sing to a chick

that tells you that song sucks

you’re a loser

you write a song

and you go listen if you don’t talk to me

after today for

the rest of your life i just want you to know that i

wrote this for you just sit down

please listen to this

and then at the end

she’s like that was

fucking terrible i am so glad i dumped you you are sad

you pathetic fuck

you made a shitty song

for me joe you want some like

you want some like man shit

now this is i’m on some man shit

you want some

i’m gonna put that on my wikipedia somebody

i know look i

by the way i’ve

never edited my wikipedia i don’t

touch it i never even read it i don’t correct bad

things so if you want to just make some shit up

if you want to put

please feel free

but i want that on there use it

joe i’m on some

man shit i’m on some man shit okay now

this is my only request

jonah you don’t have to

write any credits that i don’t really have make a

t shirt that says

i’m on some

man i don’t have crohn’s disease either so please stop

emailing me oh

yes fellow crohn’s sufferers

i appreciate your illness but i just

i feel bad that all

these people

think that i have it

why would they

think you have chromes man

wikipedia they just make shit up

wikipedia it also says

brian callan’s my brother you know

i don’t change it he’s my brother

as far as i’m concerned i’ve had like ten

wikipedia’s

and they automatically

just get deleted

because it’s the most retarded shit like

there’s not even one sentence that was ever real

and it’s worse the absolute

worst is when you know a dude

wrote his own wikipedia

is there anything

creepier in life than reading some dude’s thing like

you know an

honored and cherished

member of the comedy community

he has been like

fuck yeah they do

fuck yeah they

do yeah i’ve read

sportscasters that i’ve known

like fight commentators that i know they

wrote their own shit

i’ve read it for comedians

where i know they

wrote their own shit you read it and you’re like

what the fuck is this nonsense

the breath of

fresh air in a stagnant

comedy community what okay

like what a

fucking hat

dude what are

you talking

about what am i doing

wrong where i

would never

do no shit like no no no what are you doing right

that’s insane

that’s insane

listen man you gotta

spend as little time as possible

like projecting who you want people to

think you are

do that shit through your work

if you’ve got somebody that wants to

write a bio for you or

if you write a bio of your own it better be silly

you better not be

blowing yourself

up i know my

third time on

stage i let the presenter know

this was gonna be

the next big star of comedy

i held myself up to that

standard i’ve had it ever

since that would be hilarious

that’s actually

that’s actually what i’m

going through

right now is like

this management team they want me to

help write a bio and i’m like what the fuck

am i supposed to say man well you know i mean look you

should help

write it because it’s your i gave

him some info

but it’s like

what am i supposed to say i don’t know what i

just be funny

man just be funny

about it just well look if you’re

gonna write a bio man this is what i say if you’re come

i know i didn’t

write my bio my bio is written by

someone else and it’s embarrassing and i don’t i like

it taekwondo

stuff in there and i was shit that i

would never put in there if

i was gonna rewrite my bio i would

definitely have to make it funny

you have to make it

silly as silly as possible

make up some shit make up some shit

about unicorn

wrestling you know

whatever the fuck you’re

gonna do but

when you read someone’s like really self

congratulatory

bios and how they really view themselves like

it’s disgusting

you can’t even enjoy them on stage because you

think all this guy’s doing is just wants you to

think he’s jacking himself off yeah like i can’t

jacking himself off

one of the most unpleasant

things is someone who takes himself

way too seriously

that’s that’s insane

up there you know trying to make you laugh and

like there everything’s a joke except them

how about comics that try shit out on you

hey man how about this bit

i’m thinking about doing this on stage hey folks

have you ever noticed

that when you you know like in the

trying it on you you know what

what what what i suffer from is

i hate when you’re off stage

and you can tell it’s coming

you know what i’m saying

it’s like this isn’t a conversation this is a setup

like you got your setup yeah

he’s faking a conversation yeah and then here’s a just

to get to his joke exactly and you’re like

motherfucker you practicing materials on me

yeah at least if like you’re a

comic and you

say hey dude i got a problem with this bit tell me

exactly i don’t know

how to get out of this bit

you know i mean we all have bits

right don’t you have a bit i mean i’ve had a few bits

where i’m like damn how do i get out of this

motherfucker

i got all these

laughs but how

do i get out of this there’s no way to get out of it

it’s like segue

where is it it just ends on a cliff

well and then you

get sometimes you

that’s good like

see that’s why that’s why i really don’t hang out

as much like you see me

at comedy clubs but i really don’t hang out with like a

whole bunch of comics

because it’s like i like real conversations like i like

going to bars and

just hanging out and

stuff like that just talking to people

you can have real

conversations with

comics it’s just not on

you gotta find the

right comics well see

this is what happened to me like when i

moved out to los angeles

you and some

other comics and guys

were lucky because you have

comics in your

class per se

it’s like dudes that you came up through the

rights with

well i moved out to la and i was in a

weird circumstance because

i was like kind of by myself moving out here by myself

i really didn’t fit in

on open mic circuit

but i wasn’t a headliner so i was

right in the middle

because i had

spent so much time in new york

kind of getting seasoned

so i wasn’t

quite open micro

as far as my

skill but as far

as my notoriety

but i wasn’t a headliner because

i didn’t have that type of pull so i was really

stuck in the middle of some shit and then you have

classes of comics that all

grow up together so i really can’t bounce shit off of

i know what you’re saying you know it’s hard

if you don’t have someone

that’s with you in that same like that’s the one

thing that’s the one

thing that i wish that i had come to la

earlier or maybe later

not when i did is because if i had come

earlier i would have that

group of people

you know i say you have that

group that you

should never

think like that

you came at the

exact right time for you

you can’t ever

think like that

there’s self

defeating thoughts like that don’t get you anywhere

like man if i had just come

it’s good to be around a

group of people but

it’s also good to be around some people that are way

ahead of you

and you’re forced

you’re forced to pick up the pace

and accelerate to

their frequency that’s been

lucky i’ve been

lucky as hell on that

level because and that goes back to the competition

aspect of me is like um

just as far as man working with you

i’ve done shows with bill bird just thought just well

fucking fire as

comics and it’s like dog it’s just

these dudes

are so tight that it’s just like it makes you

look at your own shit

and say i got to tighten this shit up yeah that’s what

that’s what i’m supposed to be

doing not the jokes but that’s how it’s supposed to be

and this is what i’m doing so i’m doing something wrong

you know i mean right

right i know what you mean it’s like that type of shit

yeah that’s one of the best things

about being around

high level comedians like in la

like you get to see like real high

level stuff

and be inspired by it

and it makes your own like you recognize what you like

about that you know like what is it oh man

he’s got like very little time in between his punchline

it hits you hard with it

and then like

oh you know you see that you’re like what am i

enjoying and how come i’m not

my pace i need to pick my pace up i need to do this

maybe i have too many words in

these jokes

maybe you know

maybe it’s a

you know so that

it’s fine and then

the whole one

thing that really trips me out

about you is and i’ll tell him that dog is so cool

to know joe

because the

funny part is he

doesn’t have to be funny

but he works at being

funny like like

like looking at all

these stars doing comedy nowadays like you you

could go out just as the ufc do

and make money

i mean that’s not you but you

could do that but like

for you to even bother

to work at this

craft and and actually be

funny and work at it dog that says something

about your personality dog

cause you really don’t

gotta do it

well sort of but i do because

it’s what makes me better at

everything i do

it makes me a better commentator

doing stand up i

think makes me better as a

human being

it forces me to

think about

things on a

whole other level

it forces me to consider

every single

angle of every single subject

whether it’s something that’s

going on a nuclear

problem in china or

you know financial bullshit whatever the fuck it is

when i’m when you’re a

comic man you you

start probing

things not just because you’re curious about it

but also because

like what is there a joke in here and what’s the

angle of this fucking

thing it’s really what’s

wrong how could this have been

avoided well what the fuck

how come they didn’t do that boom there’s a joke

you know i mean like that’s that’s a

lot of time

expanded my

it’s really

expanded my view on life

and just a lot of and

you’ll do it

just like me you’ll do it forever

no matter what ever else comes

that’s the one

thing that you’ll

realize is that comedy is the most fun

it’s the most rewarding

and like even a fucking hundred people or

80 tomorrow

night or tonight rather we’re doing

sal’s comedy hall

there’ll be 80 people there tonight are you coming you

gonna do it yeah

yeah it’s awesome place

sal’s comedy

all the shit if you’ve

never been we’re there tonight we’re there almost

every wednesday i won’t be there next week

but almost every wednesday

it’s on melrose

street and it’s this fun little tight ass club

and we go in there when

we fuck around

and it was my

point what the hell was i talking

about before that as far as expanding

your mind as far as how you

think and then doing comedy forever

and that’s the most fun that you have yeah

it’s the most fun

it’s either the

point was yeah it

doesn’t matter if it’s eighty people or if it’s fucking

you know toronto

april twenty

ninth i’m doing that’s twenty

five hundred people you know it’s almost sold out to

twenty five hundred fucking people i did

eighteen hundred in seattle it’s you know you do these

giant fucking shows

they are fun as shit

but guess what it’s also fun to do

fifty fucking people

it’s fun it’s fun to do a late

night show you stop in on a wednesday night

at the improv

and you go on last and it’s the 10 pm show

and there’s

100 people in that audience and they’re

tired and it’s

still fun as shit

it doesn’t matter if it’s on

television when you

start getting good at

comedy you will realize that that is the number one fun

thing to do as an

entertainer

so all my other shit that i do i kind of do like also

but if i had to choose one it

would be constant

that’s what i was

thinking for sure like if

somebody took

everything away and said all you can do is one thing

it wouldn’t even be close

i wouldn’t say there’s no way i

would just do

commentating for the ufc

because i’m a fucking fan

of fighting of mma i

would be a fan just as big if i

never worked for the

ufc a day in my life

tomorrow the

ufc called me up and said go fuck yourself

we’re hiring

mario lopez

you know you’re getting old dude

dude it’s over

if they did that and i’d be like alright i

guess i’m just

watching on tv

from now on

i would watch the same amount of

fights i wouldn’t be there for the prelims

cause i wouldn’t see the live shows

but dude i’d probably

watch the same amount of

televised fights no

that’s like

and that’s one of the theories

that i’ve always had is like dog

i want to do this

for the rest of my life

so that’s why i

guess i’m an artist you

know i guess that’s why i’m not really in a

hurry for a lot of

things like this is

gonna be my

first tv credit of any kind ever

so your comedy will make you better at

everything else you try to do too see if you

wanna try to do something else like say if you try to

one day you

wanna host a talk show or one day you

wanna do some

other kind of

a television show

you’re gonna get better at it because you’re a comic

it makes you

it’s the hardest

it’s the most

rewarding but it’s also the most difficult form

in my opinion of talking so how do you like feel

about these dudes that just run out here

because they

and put together the comedy tour just

cause i think as i’ve gotten

older one thing that i’ve gotten

really good at is finding who to get mad at and who

it’s a waste of time to get mad at

and one of the

things it’s a

waste of time

to get mad at is some person just trying to make it

who gives a fuck what they’re doing

whether they’re doing some

stupid fucking game show on television

like i did whether they’re doing you know

they’re trying to do

stand up comedy when they’re 37 years old

and they’re just coming off a sitcom and they never did

stand up ever

just fucking

look at charlie murphy

who’s a good friend of mine man charlie murphy

i admire the fuck out of what he did

oh charlie did

charlie murphy

jumped right in

as a headliner right

he and i went on the road we did

22 gigs together okay and this guy

had only been doing comedy for like a couple of years

right jesus it was like two years

we’re doing

thousands of cedars you know

2 500 cedars

giant fucking places

and charlie’s

going on after me

and i’m doing an hour

i’m doing an hour we’re co headlining

we did this we went back and forth back and forth

that motherfucker’s got balls

he just jumped into the fire

so i mean you know there’s people who go

these fucking guys i hate

these fucking guys they

think you’re a

comic you’re not a

comic yet yeah that

guy’s trying to be a

comic and so is steve o

and so is you know

other people that get into it man it’s fun

room for more

everybody can be a

comic you can

be an 80 year

old doctor and one day you decide you know what

i want to do some fucking

stand up and i’ll tell you what if you go on

stage and you kick some ass

comics will take you right in

right don’t you see that

like you and i when we met

here’s the language that we

understood you’re

funny you’re

funny i’m a

comic you’re

like this kid’s a comic

he’s fucking funny

boom you’re in

you know that’s how it is

real comics don’t ever like say

oh this guy’s a headliner

but this guy’s an opener we can’t talk to him and

real comics you’re in when you’re in yeah

funny it’s funny

but that’s the

thing that i

think helped me out

a lot is when i stop getting mad at everybody

at the end of the day

i’m still a comedy

fan man i love a good

laugh even if they

suck i love a good

laugh even if they suck just don’t listen

just get out of the room when they’re on stage

there’s guys that suck man

i can’t watch them on

stage because it hurts my head

you know i’m saying like

it hurts what they’re doing is so out of

whack and it’s not

funny and so unaware

it almost like

screws up my

sense of comedy

and i get confused and i don’t want to go on

stage and have

when you’re on stage man

there’s a person on

stage and they’re really rocking it

you get into

their mind you’re on

their frequency

whether it’s you know joe diaz or louis ck

louis ck is a

great example of that he’s a

great comic

but one of the

things he does it’s really great

is he pulls you into the way he’s thinking

you know he pulls you in to how he’s looking

things and you start

thinking the way he

thinks as he’s doing it

and it’s hilarious and that’s one of the

but when someone’s got some

wack ass thoughts and they’re unedited and they’re

sloppy and they’re

stupid and the shit they’re saying makes no fucking

sense and oh shut up

you just gotta

leave the room

but you can’t be mad at them the guys

are trying to do his

thing he just can’t do it oh no

but i used to get mad at them

i used to get mad at

people that sucked i used to get mad

especially if they were more

successful than me

i would get mad see

i’m so glad that i’m past that because

i got a problem with if i’m on

stage and i’m bitter i suck

as long as i’m having fun i’m good like

well not necessarily fun

but as long as i’m good

i had to take the bitterness

out of my act

cause it was

funny but it wasn’t

it was like people were like that

might be too much

so once i got that bitterness out

where you know what

to each zone and just like you were said

is room for all of us

but i just wish that

like for instance one of my big pet peeves is

thought i wish

that white comics

could say whatever they want to

because that would free

black comics up

in a way and i know it sounds

crazy but but why

comics do pretty much say whatever they want to yeah

but y’all don’t y’all can’t say

the n word you can’t say fact like well you

can get away with no

i can get away with saying faggot

a lot easier than

your average

white comic

could just cause i’m a

black guy i disagree

when jim norton

says faggot it comes out it’s like poetry

it’s like music true

well that’s i mean but that’s

but that’s one of the baddest

comics going

i’m talking about

he’s a real

comic any real

comic can say what

but even sorry

black comics can say faggot

and not have a

point and they don’t get in any type of

trouble it’s not a

type of trouble but what they do do

is the audience loses a little bit of respect for him

yeah especially

if it doesn’t belong

if it doesn’t belong

what they’re saying

yeah if they’re just doing it for

shock or they’re doing it it’s an

ignorant with

things that they’re saying it’s a silly

thing they’re saying

you lose value with the audience you lose

they don’t respect the

connection that you’ve made

they’ll let you keep going

but they’ve lost

a piece of respect

and that’s really what’s

going on man if

you go up there with your thoughts your thoughts are

you have to hone

them down to the

the best of your abilities to get them into

these people’s minds with

the least ego possible

the most amount

of respect for the person’s attention span

and the most amount of

focus on the material

so that you can hit

points and notes

and have ideas

that they didn’t come up with like they didn’t even

wow i never even looked at it that way

right that’s one of the best

things about comedy man

when someone makes you

laugh about some shit

and then they they

point out one

thing and you like

fuck it that’s so true man that is so ridiculous

that why are they doing that

you know what the fuck why aren’t they you know

why are they

doing this just like um

just like what

happens with me a lot of times is like

i’ll talk about jail but i also

talk yeah how do you

bring that up

i almost shot a crackhead whatever

basically well it actually comes

after me talking about

it it it actually talks about me um

paying paying taxes now which is

which is a concept

that is fascinating to me like i just

started paying taxes like

three years ago and this

whole tax paying

concept fascinates me and people find it

weird but what you gotta

understand is

oh you don’t pay

taxes on adult

money so it’s like

worried though that they’re

gonna come after you for now that you talk

about it on

stage and shit that one day the irs are go listen

you owe us money from selling coke

come and get it

because i don’t know how much i fucking made and they

would say what if they go

bring crackheads and

bring them in the

courtroom they

would never be i’ll talk

about you i was just joking

i bought a million dollars off

crack off this

motherfucker really so

where did you get the million dollars

i rob a bank and this

motherfucker sold me a million dollars worth

that’s a beauty

comment it’s

not a speech is a joke yeah it’s like and then

but that’s where the

whole that’s

where the whole

thing about

going to jail comes in is

after i talk

about paying

taxes now how

can you only go to jail for two years for

shooting somebody what’s that all

about because an intent it was

well yeah it was

well i mean you

weren’t trying to kill the guy i

can’t really talk

about this okay what

prove that well

they’re gonna

put it like this

put it like this

they never found a gun

so it’s one of

those things

where the guy knew that i shot him but they

never found a gun

and everybody

did you say i didn’t shoot him

what i didn’t bother

that was that was me making a deal like i wasn’t gonna

fight this shit two

two fucking years for

shooting somebody is pretty fucking good so

i just took the deal i’m like fuck that i i can do too

i’m not what is it like doing two years in the poking

it’s fucking did you see a lot of rape

yes really yeah

what like would you say

what’s that smell

just fucking smelling

smells like rape

rape and poop

well not even

well well well

giant women with

not like not like rape

assholes not like not like rape but just

motherfuckers giving up that ass like just

really yeah

it was just accepted like for some

motherfuckers like

a lot of it is i was just

thinking coming up here

i remember playing a game of

space right i was

i was playing a

space game hard

yeah car space

please let him

win at the end of this game and then no no no and then

and then there was a dude sitting to my left like joe

is another dude walked up behind him tapped him on the

shoulder dude got up pulled his

pants down and then went to his cell

cause that cause it’s time

you know i’m saying it’s just time

for you to get fucked

whoa whoa whoa so the guy comes over taps the

dude you’re playing

cards with this dude and what does the guy look like

he doesn’t like

looking dude

he doesn’t have

makeup on nothing crazy

none of that shit and

so taps him and the guy just pulls his

pants down before he

starts walking

so to let everybody know this is what’s going on

not even that i

guess it’s just

the way he do it i

guess the way i

guess that was his choice but he just so he

goes in there pulls his

pants down and the guy just

starts fucking him in

front of everybody well

he well he went into the cell like

he had a cell

over there but he went into his cell and

got done so the cells a lot of times the

cells are open and everybody’s wandering around yeah

what the fuck yeah

so it’s like

prison how much time are you wandering around uh

okay you got count like

three times

well the jails i was in we had count four times a day

so unless you had somebody do something

stupid on what they call the tear

you be out for the rest of that day

until it was either time to go to lunch dinner

so you get to hang out all day

yeah so basically jail is like you got a cell

and the cell’s open most of the time most

of the time

and you guys are just wandering around playing

checkers and

doing whatever the fuck you want tickling each

other sucking dicks

yeah basically

i was always curious

about this i had

you know family members and i’ve

never been able to ask him exactly like as far as

a prison rules what’s the socially acceptable allotment

of time that you got to be in there before it’s just

socially acceptable to

start fucking another dude

well if you go in there for life

well your day you

start raping

yeah that’s

a gift i mean

you do everything we

never thought we would

do that’s like a well

i can’t speak for

every jail but

but all i do know is

where did you go to jail

i was in jail in dc and then

maryland and then

i was in baltimore city they

moved you around yeah

yeah wow and

i can’t speak for

every jail why

they move you

did you do some gangster shit no

cause it was well i actually went to solitary for

forty five days for what for tickling

no not for tickling player uh cause

is that the

first time you’ve ever said that that

particular player

yeah that’s a

weird that’s a

weird sentence

combination of words

i just popped your now you tickling player cherry

not particular player

yeah that’s a very rare statement that’s a

that’s a hardcore statement right there oh no but

why did you okay

i went in right and

i had some shoes

tennis shoes right and these dudes one of them

and i had to fight them every day to keep my fucking

shoes and i got sick of fighting these guys

so i had a bright idea that instead of

fighting them i’ll just hit the ceo so

niggas will think that i’m crazy

right well i did that

and what happened was they got these

people called this

they got these cops called the

stormtroopers like they’ll run into the tear in

riot gear if anything break out like full

riot gear fucking all that shit

i hit the ceo

and these dudes roll in and when i woke up i was in the

infirmary i broken ribs like they fucked me up damn

so when i got out of the infirmary

they sent me to solitary for forty five days

you should ask somebody about that plan

who am i gonna

take my lonely at first i’m

thinking about going crazy and fucking up a cop

i didn’t have a chance to fuck him up i

i hit that cop one time just body shot just some

niggas think the

before i think i

drew my fist back i had like ten motherfuckers are

right there

take your shoes after that yeah

no no the cops fuck me up but

people thought i was nuts and it’s like

but the whole

the whole so they leave you alone you kept

sneakers yeah yeah and then once i

once you have

accomplished the same thing by

kicking the shit out of one of the guys who took your

sneakers not

every day no no nobody i

would just poop on my

shoes i didn’t know what

would want doesn’t work

brian like doesn’t work

think in advance i like the way you know

doesn’t work

on your own shit it

doesn’t work

you clean them off

they’ll just

clean you’re in jail you aren’t here doug

yeah it’s like

mentality it’s a

whole different mental

they’ll just

clean them off big deal

yeah they clean that shit i

would fucking

like rub it into the inside of the

shoe what more

cause my balls on the outside of the shoe

well they liked that

no what always kills me is whenever somebody say

how they would survive

in jail is always wrong

paul ryan has a

whole way to get away from rape remember

brian yeah what’s up guys trying to make me

suck his dick i’ll just grab his balls and run

as fast as i can in the opposite direction he

pulls the ball

off the fucking balls off he feels like he

could i could dig

my nails in there and

grab a vein or two and just fucking

where are you gonna go when you run away huh

i’m gonna be ripping his balls and wearing it as a mask

down the fucking whatever it’s called the

stairway but there’s tomorrow

huh yeah i’ll have that mask on my head still

and no one will

fuck with me cuz i’ll rip your balls off

but there’s tomorrow

and guess what

this guy starts

front me i’ll tickle there’s no

happy end of this conversation

especially not for our listeners

our listeners

right now are hemorrhaging

they’re in the car

shut him the fuck up

shut him up

i swear to god unsubscribe to this fucking

stupid podcast

ridiculous by hurting

hear this ridiculous idea nobody’s

podcast ago

it’s still just he

tried this idea

yes this is idea it’s look it’s what he’s gonna do it’s

my god bless you but you

never know man you might have a killer grip i do

some dudes have a grip that’s very

shocking every now and then like

you do jiu jitsu the guy grabs your

wrist and go god damn this motherfuckers got a grip

you know i can’t even get my fucking hand free

some guys some guys can hold on to you man

maybe maybe brian’s get that kind of grip

i hope so because that idea sucked i

tell you that shit sucks well listen at

least he’s got a

a plan i do have a

plan like why does people have plans

know what a

much better plan is don’t fucking go to jail

it’s like the absency

is this japanese nuclear

power plant is that the worst plan

that human beings have ever made as far as like

plans that didn’t work out

plans that were a huge disaster

now is there is there a single worse plan

than building a nuclear reactor

on a fucking a monkey

making aids i don’t

think that’s how aids happened bro yeah

i don’t think anybody really fucked a monkey i

think that’s just samkins

did they actually know

did they actually know that that shit was on a

fault line oh for sure yeah

they built it to last to take it up to an 82

they thought that was pretty

generous you know that’s pretty

extravagant

earthquake that’s honestly

why they got a fucking nine

after yesterday’s

podcast let people are saying that it’s not as bad in

japan as everyone

that’s nonsense that’s not true at all

they’ve just

upgraded to chernobyl status

it’s bad i knew that

the other day here’s the thing

about it being bad it’s not getting better

okay it’s getting better

maybe in 100 000 years

and it’s getting

more and more fucked up and more and more

nuclear materials

is leaking the reason why it keeps getting

worse and now it’s at

level 7 chernobyl

levels is because it’s getting worse

it’s not it’s like well it’s

gonna get to a certain

point then it’s just

gonna stop oh

this is a bad situation it’s bad and

japan is not big man it’s not big

it’s not like this shit is happening in nebraska

and you’re living in alaska and it

never really hits you

no this is japan is fucking tiny man this is the last

place so let me take a wild guess

they built it on the

fault line cause the land was

cheap or whatever so they decided to

build it well

all of japan

i mean japan is an island

you know and

it’s not that big so there’s a lot of spots in

japan where the fucking ground moves like what are you

gonna do you just

gonna hope that you’ve got it

figured out

where it doesn’t go bad if the ground moves

but they never knew the ground was

gonna go to a

nine i mean nine for five minutes i mean it just broke

everything and then

the tsunami came in and killed the

generators and they couldn’t cool the rods down they

didn’t cut a

break there did they

not only that

but they didn’t plan it out well it was like one of the

worst plans ever

we’re gonna create

some sort of a reactor that harnesses the

power of the fucking sun

but we don’t know how to shut it off

just in case

we don’t know yeah we don’t know what happens if the

power goes out the

power we’re good for

about eight

hours the power

goes out they had battery backup for

eight hours

and that’s it

yeah so in those

eight hours you

gotta fucking

run okay okay how

how fucking

greedy are these

motherfuckers like nobody

nobody thought like hey

it’s possible

for acceptable

risks they were

willing to take what they felt were acceptable risks

and the acceptable

risks just really aren’t that

planned out

human beings have such

a narrow window of reference

because our lives are only 30 40

50 years by the time we’re making

these choices

you don’t learn that much in

those 50 years

you just don’t

and then when you add

those 50 years to all the fucking

the previous

people that have

lived to be 50 60 years old in

human history

and all they’ve figured out and you’re at the

forefront of it and you’ve created this new

thing called nuclear

power and you’re the guy who’s like

people are listening to you like how do we do this

well this is what we do we got this

thing and it cools the rod

what happens when it goes off well don’t

worry we’ve got fail safes

everything’s

gonna be fine

okay this guy says it’s good let’s go with him

well he’s a clueless fuck

just like we’re all clueless fucks

been around for

about what one

human lifetime

we don’t have enough fucking

you know nuclear power is

clean safe energy

sometimes yes sometimes

and sometimes it eats a hole through the

earth and kills

everything within a hundred miles

you know yeah sometimes it’s fucked

i just sound like a dick

head but like

how does that

affect us it

affects us very badly because

first of all

there’s nuclear reactors in orange county

and they’re on

fault lines

and anything over an

eight point two

shit gets very tricky

and you don’t know what the fuck happens

if they have a big

eight point two down and fucking the oc

and that nuclear

power plant gets fucked and the

power can’t

come back on they can’t cool the rods and it just

and it goes into a meltdown

whoa we’re fucked mexico’s fuck san

diego’s fucked everyone’s fucked you know

these guys that are doing this in

japan they don’t know how to shut this off

and they’ve got engineers that are willing to risk

their lives

going in there trying to shut

things down

there’s over 50 guys have gone in there knowing

for sure that it’s a

death sentence

knowing for sure

that they’re

gonna get cancer they’re

gonna die horrible terrible

deaths because of radiation exposure and they’re

still doing it

they’re still doing it they took

chances they went

there and told they couldn’t take it anymore and then

they went to the hospital for radiation poisoning and

they’re fucked and they

said it’s gonna get 100

death wish guess what they

wouldn’t do that in america

no one’s gonna do that

here not any of

them can’t they

take that honda

robot and make him do whatever that has to be done

honda robot’s a retard bro

he can’t do shit

he’s good at like he plays basketball

can’t get them fucking

rods and pull rods

now you a fucking robot

they play basketball a

bunch of robots well they don’t really play

basketball they have different

things that they do like one of them

you any dribble a ball

i think they could dance i can think they

could do everything they could

throw an armatron but obviously it’s programmed

okay okay cause i’m like if that fucker can

dance send him down there

just look at your way down there to make

it more positive eventually that’s no doubt that’s

gonna happen eventually there’s gonna be a

robot that can do

every single

thing any movement in articulation that a

human being can

because look we know how a human works we know how i’m

scared of that type of shit hopefully like

that type of shit scares me that’s some terminator

robots yeah not

not necessarily

robots is just getting to the

point where i’m that

dependent on a robot

you know i’m saying because i know

i know that i’m lazy so if i had a

robot to do that shit i

would do it fuck you

know i like do that and do that and do that and then

it turns out i’m not doing shit no more like

basically and i’m

yeah but what makes you

think you would do that

you know because

i’m cuz i’m fucking lazy joe yeah but believe me man

robots are expensive

it’s gonna it’s

gonna be hard to get that

robot it’s not

gonna be easy oh no

in your lifetime

robots are never

gonna be cheap

by the time a

robot’s cheap you’ll be dead

or you’ll be downloaded into a

robot it’ll be like that movie oh

that’s possible to

download it into a robot

there’s a movie

that’s out right now

trans indent

no transcendent man yeah transcendent man

the ray kurzweil documentary and it’s out

right now on itunes

yeah transcendent man i

watched half of it

today before the podcast i’m

gonna watch the rest of it later

it’s fascinating shit and ray kurtzwell is this

super genius

he’s made a

bunch of different inventions and he’s

like you know at the

forefront of the

idea of the exponential growth of

technology eventually coming to a

point where there’s some sort of a singularity

and artificial intelligence

and potential

like potential download of the

human consciousness

into computers

where you will live forever

as long as the

power stays on as long as you know you can figure out a

way to have a

power source that is well

that is a bit much for me man

it’s a bit much but it’s fascinating because it’s all

about first of all it’s

about nanotechnology and the idea of

these little tiny computers that are

going to be the size of a cell of blood

a blood cell

and they’re

gonna be in your

bloodstream repairing

things and fixing cancer and doing all kinds of crazy

shit that’s the that’s the

that’s the scary shit that’s

the type of shit that i was saying like only in comedy

only in comedy what i’ve ever

heard about this shit

cause i’m telling you

as far as building

my mind and expanding that shit oh you don’t hear

about this shit when you’re on the corner in in dc

fucking slinging

crackers yeah

on the cubicle

it’s fucking nano

technology bullshit like that

like um yeah a lot of people don’t hear

about this stuff

until they hear

about it on twitter or they hear

about on facebook or they hear

about on this podcast

and i hear about a lot of this shit a lot of the

things that i hear

about like i

found out the transcendent

man was out i knew it was coming out

on dvd but i thought it was like in a few months

but it came out on itunes

first and the only reason i

found out is somebody put it up on twitter

i mean it’s

and i find out so much on twitter so many different

weird fucking interesting stories

well cause i like

cause i like follow you on twitter

and you’ll be posting some shit

and i’ll go to it and i’m like what in the hell

it’s like yo you

like your post stories that

ain’t nobody like

would even think of and i’m just like what the fuck

just just from the

i always check it out but it’s like dog that’s a bit

much as far as nanotechnology and shit like that well

it’s what it is is that computers are

eventually gonna get

stronger and

stronger and

smaller and

smaller i mean that’s just a

trend they’ve always done

they’re gonna be able to

do more and more and more and eventually what they’re

gonna be able to do

is they’re gonna be able to figure out

what are the components of a

human being and how can we reproduce that

because they can make artificial

flesh already they’ve

already figured out a way to make artificial ham

they’ve figured out a way to make artificial like

but they’ve

grown ears on rats ever seen that

like grow a

human ear on a

mouse’s body

they know how to do

so much that eventually

it’s going to get better well

as it gets better it’s

going to be an artificial

human being what if they

can do all those

things they did that goat was a goat

or a lamb or something in

japan they had that oh

clown dolly

the sheep no they

cloned it but that’s not an artificial

that’s not duplicate

well if they can do all of that uh huh

then why the fuck

is there still a skid row

well here’s like

you can do all that shit

you can’t fix

a human’s development once it’s developed

that’s when it’s a real

it’s like fixing a dog that’s already fucking crazy

you got a dog that’s already attacking

babies and fucking bites cars and shit

man try fixing that dog

but to keep that dog from

becoming that dog

that you can do

if you treat the dog with love and respect

and you train them and you

train them that he’s your

buddy and you know

then you got a

happy dog when

he meets people associate people with being happy

right you know it’ll be like a positive

experience so you don’t have to

worry about retraining

them it’s retraining people that’s hard so you get this

kid bro they’re already fucked

so then would you consider somebody like me

an exception to that rule that you just made

well me i’m

exception to it too i wasn’t a perfect

human being when i was a

child i was fucking

crazy i was

crazy through most of my young 20s

you know like

legitimately

crazy right you know and if you if you know you look

at who you are now and who you used to be and there’s

evolution but

it has to be from yourself you

have to decide to do it on your own it’s very difficult

you got to be objective you’re

gonna have to probably do drugs you’re

gonna have to fucking find yourself for real

need much well

that’s what know

what that’s what you won’t really get there on your own

know what that’s what well

i beg to differ a little bit i

think that’s what

me being in

isolation did for me when i was in jail makes

sense because

it’s note like dog like you have to think

you have to i mean

after you after you

blame the lawyers and god and your parents you

still got 43

days left to fucking analyze yourself here’s the deal

man here’s the deal with your life you can blame

everybody for your problems in life and

you might be right

but you can’t change that

what you can change

is what you

think and how you

react and what

power you give

other people’s actions and thoughts over you

right that’s

from getting pissed off of them by

using that energy for yourself

using that energy for positive shit

using that energy to

try to accomplish it like that

could either

that could either

drive you crazy

or it could make you

a better motherfucker like and that’s why

you know i know

that i brought a lot of shit on myself but

i’m glad that i was

able to use the time that i was in jail

to say dog you can’t keep doing this don’t shit man

you have to try to do something be it

be at and the reason

that i’d even bothered to

think that i could be a

comic is because that was one of my survivals

while i was in jail i’ve always been this size

so i was the guy that if somebody

did something or said something i had something

quick to say

hmm that kept brothers smiling

cause dog that’s a long time to be anywhere

so just a smile for that one day or or or like a laugh

especially in jail means a

whole lot more than just us talking and

laughing here

because dog it’s a miserable

existence it really is no

not to say that i didn’t deserve to be there but dog

it’s fuck it fucking sucks it’s like don’t

let rappers fool you that shit sucks man it’s nothing

it’s nothing hard

about doing something

stupid and winding up in jail it’s fucking dumb

it’s really

stupid to do something

to wind up in jail

and it’s it’s just fucking

awful so joey

diaz has the same

story that when he was in jail making people

laugh in jail is what got him into being a

stand up comedian

but he would have they

would ever like show

movies or something the

movie would suck they

would say coco get up there

get up there and tell stories

and he would get up there and he’d

start making everybody

laugh and that’s like what

started him off on the road to be in a

comic well see i

but then the

other part of it i also stutter

so what would happen is

even like if i said something

that was slick people

would laugh and sometimes i

would try to talk and stutter in people

would laugh so either way

i’m cool you know i’m saying so but

with that we

would just that

laughter man like

laughter is something

that i think that we as

comics shouldn’t take for

granted it’s a powerful

thing like if it

if it can help somebody get through jail

just laughing once a day just like dog that’s very

powerful it’s a very

powerful thing

we don’t think

about it because

it seems frivolous it seems like oh you just

laugh and you’re

silly you’re

a silly person

dog it’s important for your health it really

mental health also it’s like dog some some shit

just fucking let it ride man like let it ride and

even with even with um

what i’m doing

as far as comedy man it’s like

dog it’s really cool to make people

laugh like i’ve gotten to that

point i’ve been

angry dude but now

is really cool to make people

laugh man it’s really

fucking cool

well you’re pushing positive instead of negative

you know that’s what it is when you have to find some

shitty things in

your life to figure out what you don’t want to be doing

learn from your

mistakes and then you move on yeah and just like

just like for instance and something else with

being in solitary confinement is

i’m not as concerned with what goes on

around me as far as

which which was that

first statement i was making as far as

racism but we had to

clear that up

i don’t care i

i’m a country

music fan i

like why do you like country music

oh i love probably

cause i’m a drinker

first but i like

i like country me i don’t even know why though i

would you like i like dwight yokom i like

mostly all of it man like

other than that country pop shit

where you got pop stars that couldn’t make it as pop

so they try to do country now i

think that’s a little bit much but

other than that

like straight country i love it man well

i’m a big johnny cash fan but i

never even think of johnny cash

as being country johnny cash is like some weird

white rap that’s

a johnny cash fan i

wouldn’t say i’m a country music fan

yeah i like country

music yeah like a boy

named sue that song man that’s not really a country

music song man

my name is sue

how do you do that’s like

you’re gonna

do something

good how do you get away with that

cut off a piece of my ear

he has a fucking

a song about a

knife fight with his dad where

dad cuts off a

piece of his ear you know it was

written by what’s his name shell silverstein that poet

no that’s insane

really yeah man he didn’t

write that it’s like his song he made

it his but he

shall write

that silverstein

motherfucker

now i have to respect

cell silverstein hey i’m so

stunned but i’ve noticed that you say the word

dog a lot is that something you’ve been doing your

whole life for

it because i mean

brian is black

i know but i don’t have a word like that i

guess you need to

get one son look

that’s my word i need to get a word

son cat yo cat

cat i can say cat

hey cat no i

i guess it’s a dc

thing too man we like stevens

is a decent

that like that like player player

yeah players

that may be one of the funniest

things ever

been said on the podcast not for tickling player

it might have

been one of the top lines please don’t make a

t shirt out of that cuz i

would die last not

particularly

the entire primary

if there’s a

if there’s a demand

we might have to

start doing podcast quote

t shirts yeah that’s a pretty good one yeah that

particular player

or the one with you that on the wikipedia

yeah i’m on my man oh there’s already ten

entries in the wikipedia were put people

put that in

what i’m on

some man shit

i like what

dog that’s how i like see you as cause

you know dealing with

comics is basically like dealing with females for the

most strippers

yeah so it’s like needy strippers

so like talking to joe is cool

cause that’s what i call it like

joe is on some man shit so we can just talk as two men

without me having to worry

about hurting his feelings or saying something that now

you in a corner fucking crying or some shit like that

so i was like that’s

why i say it’s some man shit it’s like dog it’s just

two men fucking conversating you know what i’m saying

conversating i love that word for

those of you

listening at home

and you hear that

crackling in the

background what the fuck is that

that is the volcano

the sound was the

that’s the compressor

the crackling the

crackling is the plastic bag that contains the pure thc

myth people actually

wrote that on his witness

sound he’s a man

that’s the exhale

people wrote that

you wake up

it’s yeah people

wrote it like ten

times man somebody

wrote on his

awesome man shit

i’m all right good

don’t be scared all right good i guess that means i

had it come on man this is the home stretch

okay fuck it you know what i’m talking about

that’s what i’m talking about do just inhale just

push it in and take a deep breath is this real life

take a deep breath deep breath

and then blow it out that’s what i’m talking about dog

you probably be good with one

yes i think keep you at one

we don’t want anybody

going crazy here and trying to call

that is for the podcast

right there all right do you want anybody

trying to claw

the walls up so you know tony woods

cause you’re a decent guy yeah

i met tony woods tony did

tony’s a funny guy dog

he is incredible tony

woods if you’re out there holler at me if

you’re ever in la i’d love to have you on the podcast

tony’s one of the funniest

comics that i’ve ever liked

i was in new york one

night and tony was doing the old boston right

it was four people in the audience

right tony is crushing

some lady has to go to the bathroom she’s like

could you wait a second

he waits for her to come back that’s hilarious does

20 more minutes

he’s the only guy i’ve ever seen get a

standing note from four people that’s hilarious

yeah there’s something

about doing

those fucking sets we used to talk

about that at the comedy store too

those sets that you

would get when there’s only like 10

people in the audience or

less that is

so much fun

i did two at dangerfields once

me and a bunch of

other dudes it was like

three other

comics that also did sets in

front of fucking two people

it was one of

those gigs where

danger fields was a

weird place

you know it was like it was rodney danger

fields was it

still down the

street from the

comic strip

cause now it is i just remembered

i don’t even remember what

street it was

on i know it was somewhere on the east side i did a lot

of gigs there though yeah it was east side but when i

lived in new york that was like one of my main spots

cause they gave you what they call prom shows

and what prom shows were and i did

these with al lubel

and i did these with

otto and george and

a couple other guys i can’t remember

their names but

what we did was we were forced to do

they never took the audience out they would

stuff them in with kids they’re all like 17 and

drunk and throwing up and falling out of

their chairs

and then violent like

one big football player got on

stage and blew his

fucking cigar

smoke and alu

bell’s face and took the

microphone from him

and no one did shit

about it man he was a big ass kid he was a big kid

and you know

what they would do is

these kids kids

would be they

would do their prom they would

have their prom then they

would come to a comedy show

and they never took the audience out

they just kept

pumping more people in

so they wanted you to come up

again you would do five or six shows in a

night so they

would have a rotation they

would have a host

and then they

would have like an opener

and then the

second guy and the third guy

and then you

would go back up again

and the same people

would be there

they would be there and they

would say you have to do the same act cause we

wanna get rid of them

but you’re not

gonna do the same act

you’re not gonna

wanna eat it man

you’re not gonna

wanna bomb so they

would tell you to do the same act and i was

like you look man you hired

me to do comedy you can’t tell me what comedy to do

right you know once you

gonna throw me up five times a

night that’s all good but

you can’t tell me what comedy to do i’m not

gonna die up there so the

kids were still there yeah kids were

still there

and you would do

half hour sets

and you would

it depends sometimes we were 20 minutes depends on

how many people are on the show

but the kids were there and you would do

you’re set and they wanted you to go and do the

exact same set

which for the

exact same kids in an hour and a half

because they

wanted to get rid of the kids that’s insanity

and yo they

would just put people

would just pull up in limos

and then the guy

would come in

every now and then if you seen the show this guy

bobby have you seen the show have you seen the show

if you’ve seen it please leave

if you’ve seen it please leave

and these kids

were just running around like fucking animals

so i did that

place so danger

fields was a

weird club man it was real

weird it was real dark

and nobody went there man it was fucking

small crowds all the time and not the best

comics i have to be honest

it wasn’t like the highest

level guys the highest

level guys were the

strip and the

catch rising star back then so anyway

this fucking couple comes in we’re all sitting around

my spot was at like

eight o’clock and i got there

and everybody was just sitting

in the bar area

and the show was already supposed to have

started i’m like what the fuck’s going on

and they’re like there’s no one here

i go there’s no one here no one zero and then

right when we were saying that two people showed up

right this way

ladies and gentlemen

right this way

and they lead him into the showroom like

these people have no idea we’re here to see the show

and they pay their

money and they get

their tickets they

think there’s a fucking show

going of course of course they walk in there dead empty

and they sit down by themselves and

ladies and gentlemen please welcome your mc

for this evening

and he brings up the mc

and the mc was some dude had like

like a little keyboard on

stage just do this kind of a

musical thing

so he goes up

in front of two fucking people

and then another

comic goes up and he does

his set and then i went up and i did my set and then i

another guy went up and

we did a real full show for two people

sweet cool it

was but that’s

when you do

those man it’s like you get a

weird connection with people that you don’t get

you know you don’t get in a big ass

crowd i’ve done

something very similar a couple times but i don’t do

my regular shit then i

ended up just

fucking around and being real like sarcastic like

yeah so i went to the

store you know like

i do it completely different

that’s because

i don’t even want to bother trying well my whole

thing is you know that i went to the store well

you actually

could do the opposite and it

would help your act

and the opposite being

you know realize like how much of your act seems fake

and you can get away with it because there’s 200 people

right as opposed

to when you’re telling it just to one person

you can really trim the fat off your material that way

you know for me i find

small crowds

really make you trim the fat because

you’re not putting on a show anymore

you’re talking to people

and so conversation yeah and when you’re doing

that you know you really get to the real meat of the

topic better instead of like

some bullshit show

stuff where you’re saying

things like

so first i but

not really well i thought

plus the fact

plus the fact that

me personally

i think that if you paid your money it

doesn’t matter if it’s two or like a hundred dog y’all

y’all pay just as much as the rest of

these people so why not give y’all

something other than me fucking around like

that’s one thing i personally hate

coming from

new york is when people are like oh it’s a full

house tonight who gives a fuck it’s

it’s five people here and all of them are paying

eight dollars a fucking drink

let’s have some fun you know what i’m

saying that’s how i look at it

cause it’s like thought

there is no

disappointment

especially with me

at the stage that i’m at

i know that y’all

didn’t come to see me anyway so for me to be arrogant

that’s even more of me being a jackass yeah

you feel like more pressure that’s what it feels like

doesn’t it feel more pressure for you when there’s

only a couple of people no i don’t

even try so i but why not

why don’t you try because it’s just to me that’s just

i don’t know

i just not even

want everybody

clearly thought

it through this

motherfucker

needs coffee

more than anything

i’ve done it

three times and but all

three times i just just

he was like fuck

there’s two people here i don’t give a shit but then i

but why wouldn’t you give a shit

why wouldn’t you

treat those two people like it’s a real show

it seems like too much energy to waste on two

people but dog okay

but all right so if there’s two people there like

didn’t know

what makes i don’t know like aren’t they still special

here’s the thing with me

i started call me completely different i

you know i think of it as

like i could jump on you stream

and talk to two people

but i jump on you

stream and i

talked in like a hundred people immediately

you know to me that’s way

worth it than

going to a comedy club

and doing the same thing in

front of two people that they’re like who’s this guy on

stage you know

like that person’s not

never gonna follow me

that person’s not

if i do good

those two people are just

gonna most likely just

gonna go away and not even remember that night

oh that’s a

weird way of looking at you yeah

that’s pretty negative

that’s what

i like know what but you’re absolutely right and

basically hold on guys

can’t talk over each

other like that okay you’re absolutely

right though man because

when you say that you

started comedy differently

that’s true because

like i’ve had to do those shows

right like i’ve had to do a show for two people

period and you

haven’t had to do that so i guess i didn’t

know i mean i do i do i do open mic almost every day

and i do it in

front of two people i’ve do it

what’s even

worse is five people that have seen

your act a million times because they’re all comics

but you also

know audience

but you also

know that you’re doing that so

like doesn’t he work with you a lot joe

yeah sometimes so then

if you’re doing that you

already know that it’s practice for you to perform i

think it just

it’s too easy for you to get on

stage you don’t

appreciate it enough

if you were really

grinding if you were really

trying to really be a comic

no i’m talking

about the situations i’m in

which is open mics yeah

it’s like most of the time if there’s two people

there’s two people in that audience man

you gotta treat

those two people like that’s a

crowd you know

you can do it

it’s harder

to do but you’re not doing a real show on open mics

you’re just fucking around so like when i go on

stage i’m not

going to do a

full on material

but you do a material right

i do let’s just sit there with a

thumb up my ass

i’m just saying i don’t do my normal

shit i fucking just sit there and be like so

you know i do like a

completely different act

well it’s like hey i’m not

going to do what i’m

saying is that you don’t have to do that

you can do a version of your act that’s better

you know you

could trim it

down and trim it down for two people it’s a

sometimes it feels

weird you know and you realize what jokes that

stand out in your act is

being like artificial exactly

when you’re talking to two people man

you feel like

the jokes that aren’t good

you know they’re like man this one needs work

this shit’s clunky it feels

weird to talk to people

what i’m saying is

you can benefit if you really want to

truly keep doing stand up

you can benefit from that just by doing your real set

if you get a

laugh from two people yeah

you know that joke is gone

you put that one in

in the us i

guess the biggest reason why i

think this is why i

think of it

there’s been so many times doing open mic

where you do a new bit that you believe in

and you like it

and it fucking no one no response at all

so you try it

again same exact

thing no response at all

then you get a real show

and then you

try that same bit and it fucking kills and you’re like

goddamn i almost lost that bit

because that bit failed

cause you’re in this horrible

atmosphere of

like two people

right but like

other comics

it’s all a part of the vibe

you gotta tune it all in

it’s all a part of the process of being a

stand up comic

you can’t really develop only in front of

large audiences

once you got your shit together then

you could pretty much do

any kind of audience you want

i think you’re

thinking i’m saying something

completely different

you’re making it

seem like you don’t like to perform

when there’s two people you like

to have no no no

that’s not what i’m saying

i’m saying that when

there’s two people in the audience i’m not

gonna fucking

do a whole like hey so i went down the street

i’m gonna just

kinda fuck around i’m not

gonna do my regular material

i’m gonna just

i’m not going to

give them that i

understand what you’re saying

so let’s break that down

let’s break it down

because it’s kind of interesting no

it’s not pretty

basic it’s kind of interesting

let’s break that down

because what you’re saying is that you’re not

gonna give them this like hey

like real animated

right no no

i’m not saying that i

like how i considered like

the act that i do

is takes a lot of timing and

it’s a whole

process it’s not just sitting out there

going blah blah

blah blah blah it’s kind of like it’s more work

then then just saying

you know what i’m just

gonna fuck around

and do some some bits you know just try some stuff or

or you know just fuck around so why

would so if there’s two people in the audience i’m not

going to like

bother trying to

like change my

whole act to go around two people you know like

but what i’m saying is why does it have to be changed

exactly because it’s funnier if you say certain

things when there’s an audience it’s

funny if you say the same

thing in front of two people as you

should say it different

you agree if there’s

a group of people right no

sometimes it depends on what you’re talking about

like it’s time

it’s completely

different in

front of 400 people than two people yeah

right right but

why even fuck

around trying to even do the math of how it

would work best

wouldn’t you just

want to be like hey there’s two people here i’m just

gonna fuck around some new shit

oh no i think

you have to address the fact

obviously this is only two people you have to make some

light of that

but then once you do that

you can pretty much

if your act is tight you can pretty much do your act

but you could or you

could just fuck around

why even try to

change things

or man i wish

cause what i’m saying is for me when i do

small crowds it makes me well

aware of the

space that i have on my act that i need to trim out

like i’m talking

too much here or this is too disingenuous or this

is so this seems a little fake yeah you can tell us

a line yeah this is like my segway this

segway is like cam handed you know this

this punch line is like a little like

sticky like

i feel the difference when i do it but

that could because i mean

like me personally i wish

that i knew

when i did the shows for four people that i

would be playing for

two hundred

sometime in the near future

so that’s why i was more like whenever i get on

stage no matter how many people it is

i got to make the most

of this being on

stage even in

even in new york

where i was

where you get on

stage a lot more

hmm even there it’s like dog

i used to always just be like i’m so grateful to be on

stage at all

first of all

second of all um

maybe i just

appreciate that

these people

would even listen to my bullshit yeah

who in the fuck am i

yeah that i’m looking at y’all like it

should be more y’all

if you really want to do it you have to think

about it like

that you know you have to be almost obsessed with it

you know all

i’m saying about this

doing you know doing

shows and not

appreciating as much or not

thinking about as much

brian has one

point that’s really important is that when you’re

starting out and you start

and anytime you eat it

it chips away a big

chunk of your confidence

and when you can look at

something and go well this is just not even set up for

comedy why am i fucking running uphill with sandbags

you know exactly this is

gonna give me a bad feeling i’m

gonna go up there and do some jokes that i have

some hope for and they’re

gonna die because it’s not an easy crowd

so there’s that

point too i see that

point too but

there’s both

it’s really it’s not either or there’s both

and it’s just

a completely personal preference like

last time i was on

stage was right

after we got out of portland

i decided to do an open mic at sal’s

and i decided you know what just as

an idea because

i had just done five shows in a row a certain way

i’m going to do the

exact same way

at sal’s so

there was about

eight people in the audience

i did the exact like almost a recorded version

of what i just did the

whole right

just to see what happens

and it was the most

awkward motherfucking

thing ever i’ll let you listen to the it’s so

weird like i i

started like i have a part of my act

where i just

started doing this

where i have a really uncomfortable pause

you know and then

mostly like there

would be a couple people that

get it like okay i get it now this is creepy

and then a bunch of people start

laughing i did that there in

front of a people

no one there was

never that one person that just

started giggling to get it

to make the

other people laugh

so that it was just like complete silence

it was so do you

blame the audience or do you

blame the way you performed no no i

think the whole idea of that bit that one

particular bit

is that there’s

gonna be a few people that get it

and start giggling

and then any

other i don’t know

what you’re talking

really can’t

you can’t really comment on

the odd mentality of everyone

alive if one person gets

heard it’s where i said you’re a fucking porn star

right i just sit there

just sit there and it

suddenly a couple people giggle and then

suddenly everyone

starts fucking giggling it’s like this new

thing i started in portland

so i did that at sal’s

okay it’s not that one little giggle

sometimes people are giggling just because they want to

laugh sometimes people are giggling

because they’re at a comedy show and they’ve had a few

drinks and they just want to laugh

and if you give them a

pause and they’re

laughing at some

stuff before they’ll just

start laughing

right right but

that’s not what in this case

this case is the

whole bit is

i can’t give away my bit but you know

that i know

what you’re saying so

people put together ways like

comparing that with weight you’re a fucking porn star

so one person

starts giggling

not making enough

sense without saying the bit yeah

i have to explain this so

anyways well

i know what you’re saying i’ve

heard the bit though but

i know what he’s saying

it’s like it’s

something like if you

haven’t but

you gotta but you

gotta adjust

when there’s a

small crowd it’s that simple

i know you’re saying i just

so you just wanted to try it as an

experiment to not adjust yeah i

tried to not adjust

did you do it

exact same thing

and it worked on some bits

really it worked fine

did you feel like bailing out halfway into it though no

no because it’s

eight people and most of

these people were just

other comics

so i was just like you know i’m gonna

experiment with this that’s one good

thing about doing

every day is just

experimenting

you know like

that’s just an

experiment see what happens

it’s like a

video game like i might try

jumping over this platform once i

would recommend whatever you do don’t try to bomb

i don’t try to bomb and it’s not like

and it’s not like

is this one

thing you tell someone to not try i’m just

thinking about

going up there and bombing on

purpose you

know what that’s

what that’s a beauty of open mic that’s

that’s one of

those things

whereas though

cause you lived in

new york for a while

right joe yeah

that’s one of the

things that

being out here and being in new york

i think when you

are in new york doing comedy

stage time it’s like yes you get on

stage more but

it’s kind of harder because when i was there

i had to pay to go up on open mics i had to

either pay 5

or buy a couple

drinks or do something

to get on open mics that was like six years ago

i don’t know

if it’s changed

since then but you had to

spend money

to get on that stage

so no matter what

or who was there you just

spent some money to talk and now you

gonna fuck around

so i think at

at my level

we didn’t have time to play

cause i just paid to get on this

stage so i’m

gonna try to get better how much you have to pay

when i was there you had to either buy two

drinks which for

comics was like six dollars or else you had to pay

five dollars and

for mostly every open mic

at a comedy club you have to pay to go on

stage yes five dollars wow

or most most

places most

places make you buy a

drink sal’s

makes you buy a drink

well comics have to buy a

drink now yeah now

you have to

spend five dollars

and you get a ticket

and you’re allowed to go on

stage but actually

sal’s common

sal just common it’s common

it’s not common but it’s in la it’s common

look the most important

thing is that there is some sort of an open mic system

right it’s unfortunate

when you get an open mic

system that makes you pay though

i don’t mind it because i’m

going to fucking buy a beer

but still some guys don’t have five bucks

every night

like i told

boone you guys know boon

he’s a homeless

guy that i think he’s homeless but he

isn’t open he’s a micer and

i think he’s hilarious

and he’s like i’m like why aren’t you

going to you know

sounds anymore

and he goes well because i can’t afford that

you know five

bucks and i’m

like look i have one or two beer i have two or

three beers at least

every time i go to sales

you just let me know i’ll buy you a beer get you a

ticket you know so

you can mooch off my beers

yeah it’s fucking wow

it’s really

crazy yes like

it’s really

crazy cause

in new york like

i remember talking to sal

whether he was gonna

start charge he’s like yeah

might as well

cause it’s like

nobody that’s not really common from what i seen

here when i

first got here but now it’s

it’s coming y’all got people

gonna have to kick out and i

think a lot less of that plan

will be going on as far as well i can

just play around because dog you just kicked out

and if you’re

gonna do it if you’re

gonna have a

place to go up five

bucks is not bad and

if that’s the difference between having an open mic

night and not having an open mic

night then it’s

worth the five bucks

because it’s the most important thing man

stage time getting good spots getting a

bunch of people around you

there’s no substitute for it in the beginning right

no not at all yeah you

gotta just hustle

you gotta do it all

even the stuff that sucks just jump up there dude

well that’s what

with the two people

crowds we were talking

about i mean like

you know you

you gotta be up there you

gotta be practicing

no matter what i mean like i know shit i’m pretty much

the same level almost i mean like just i’m

right above the open mic

phase at my fucking

point but when

two people show up that means it was either

them or nobody

and they’re doing you a

favor just by being there

so i mean the

least you can do

is give them your fucking all and

adjust yourself to the room and all that yeah the most

appreciative you are

in every situation the better

the most that you appreciate

every opportunity the better and that’s you know

there’s negative to it but it’s also

you can turn that around

one person can go up in

front of that same

crowd and kill

you know i mean i’ve seen that before

where i didn’t like something

i didn’t the room was not to my liking or whatever

and i went up with a shitty attitude

then a dude will go on

after you and kill

and you’re like okay i was an

idiot you know now i know you know

it’s stupid and here now i’ve made a mistake and

now i learned from that shit some

inner shit yeah

cause it’s like

i guess to be honest i’m just

appreciative

of the fact that

it’s legal first of all this is legal and

second of all

people let me talk some shit to him man like

if you were told me when i was in jail that i’d ever be

doing this or

like anything of this nature i had told you you was

crazy how much you getting

worked out you getting road work and shit you mean

that just came out to right

it’s coming out they actually push the date back but

it’s coming about

it’s coming out

on august the

first now itunes

yeah but it’s actually

it’s actually the first

uh cd that’s coming out on george carlin’s label

other than his

other than his word cause you

your manager situation this guy

keeps giving you shit advice

motherfucker who got lucky with george carlin

dog it didn’t take much work

jerry i’m just kidding whoever you are fella no jerry

jerry is good

but it’s the only it’s the only cd

other than george’s work to ever come out on

what’s it called it’s called wildly

inappropriate

wild moms gonna get

a free yeah and yes your mother’s gonna get autograph

copies but it’s like um

it’s like that

and i’d like to thank

kelly man kelly is great

kelly kelly collins awesome

she’s awesome

who’s kelly

george’s daughter our daughter

kelly carlin

she she was the producer for a paul show the

pop events the show yes she wanted producers for that

right right she’s awesome because she

heard my cd

and she’s like i cool like because you have to

clear it with all of

these people because it’s

their father so are you

are you doing

stand up on the road now

i still don’t have a tv credit according to

a according to a lot of comedy club owners i don’t

have a tv credit so you can’t even get like middle work

nobody’s gonna let me middle form what

dog nobody’s

gonna let me

middle form well who says that why why do you say that

it’s happened too many times i’ve gotten complaints

from middles and what’s the complaint

first is to

first is that i’m too

dirty and then

and then the

second show i’ll do my

whole act clean

and in the third show

i’ll take out certain jokes that they don’t want done

and by the fourth show is normally just fuck them

it’s just like

we can’t stop this dude from doing what he does and um

so you meet

your so you’re saying they don’t want you midling

because you’re too good is that what you’re saying

that’s what i

would think but that’s kind of arrogant

so i’m just like i’ve been there for some of

these fucking shows

where he’s gotten

who are these

pussies that are scared to follow you

call them out who are they

no it’s been one of them has done

so are these

who are these

pussy oh yeah that one was a good one that was funny

i’m not in the position to call out

motherfuckers okay well

why don’t you tell me

their name and i’ll call them out

i’m not doing that either

no you actually

check him with some subtle

chest shit nah

two moves ahead i didn’t go

three i went

to gotta go

three on me right

now gotta go

three on me

but it’s some

dudes like i have some fucked up stories man

and it’s like so guys take you on the road with them no

no no i’m just talking

about just from

hollywood people have seen my act and they’re

like there’s no way in hell i’m taking them on the road

and it’s just

cause you’re too dirty

what does it cost

i don’t know

maybe know what

i’ll just say

cause i’m too

dirty even though i don’t consider myself i take

the dirtiest dude on the

world with me

you know what

a human being dirtier than joey that’s ever

existed yeah

you’re not supposed to see his balls in the green but

i don’t want to say it’s

cause i’m too

funny cause who knows funny is

funny is well if you’re following shit

comics there are

comics that want only

scrubs to go on before them

it’s a real common

thing like there’s a lot of people that get surprised

when they come

to see some of my shows like dude you got all

maurice of fear and joey

diaz going on in

front of you like

those guys are both headliners

which is because i think

cause you’re like a comic

you’re a comedian you aren’t somebody that’s

just here to just say

a couple jokes and get on the sitcom like you really

take this as an art and as part of the art of comedy

you don’t want

scrubs up in

front of you yeah i don’t want anybody to

suffer through any bad comments

exactly i don’t

agree i don’t

understand why you would even

think like that because to me i

think it’s like writing waves

well like wouldn’t you want the best

environment

let me tell

you something

dude if you have a guy who goes on in

front of you and barely gets by

20 minutes or whatever and the

crowd gets uncomfortable and in the

comic the main event guy comes out

and just comes out guns

blazing and crushes

it makes you look like a fucking

superhero yeah

you know and the

other guy bombed and you just destroyed

in there some guys like that and they need it

and the last

thing they want to do is be in the green room

ready to go on and hear some guy out there killing

right i get fucks with them yeah

they’re taking away from my

crowd there was a comic

he wouldn’t even

allow his black

comic he wouldn’t let our

buddy who’s a

black dude open

for him because it was in his

clause with his manager that no

other black

comic will go on before me because i want to

black it up

well there was a really

funny really

we used to always talk

about that in the east

coast it was

funny how if you

would go on the road

and there’s

two white guys and one

black guy the

black guy is always like yo yo

i was supposed to headline i was supposed to headline

but if there’s

if the black guy shows up there’s two other

black guys like yo i

gotta go on

first i gotta go on first

because they’re doing the same material

i don’t care

cause like i i

haven’t heard no

black guy say

some of the shit that i say so i don’t care like and

even even with

some of the comments like you were talking

about road work like i’m in

vegas the let

the next gig that i got booked is for

vegas like the

first week of june

dog i i get no work

cause i’m in that nexus

of he’s not

funny enough to headline by itself dude

i’m gonna be honest

with you you set yourself up

you got like

some negative little roadblocks in your head

and you go down them and you’re like people ain’t

gonna let me and this is

gonna happen

and i gotta

because people

wanna fuck with me and because

you have this little

thing in your head you automatically are in conflict

with people

like people don’t

want to headlink people don’t want to middle me people

they you just got to do your shit man don’t

worry about that the

people that are

gonna people are

gonna be intimidated by you don’t

dwell on them don’t even

think about well i’m not and that’s why i think that

things are getting better for me as far as career

wise and mentally wise

yeah don’t even

bring that stuff up

in conversation just abandon

those that was

some shit that i was talking

about just because you

asked that question

nobody’s holding

you back man that’s what i’m telling you nobody’s

trying to hold you back i know that because the

whole thing is

i don’t care

if they were it’s

it’s my job to

to be the best that i can be on that

stage that’s all

and that’s all that i can control

like i can’t control who

wants to take me on the road

i can’t control

who wants to make

how many times he been on the road

by myself or at

period did you go on the road a lot

no i just work like bud books me at his improvs

where’s bud’s improv

oh his is vegas and tahoe he

still books

vegas yep he

still i thought

he was retired i thought that was it

bud saw me one

night and i

guess we’re talking

about um but free

but freeman the

legendary guy from the improv with the monocle remember

those evening the improvs put on

yeah yeah so

so i play improvs and

like buds improvs and then i um

play vegas some but that’s

about it man that’s

as far as far as me and

traveling that’s

about it i really

haven’t gotten on the road

with any like i’ve

never worked with anybody on the road on the road

well you now that you got the

showtime special you’ll be able to get some gigs right

hopefully yeah with

george carlin’s manager and the showtime special bro

yeah hopefully yeah put it all together

yeah hopefully so if people want to get a hold of you

they get you on twitter

yes daryl right

and brian is

brian whitaker

and of course red band very red bands very

upset of his twitter follower

yeah i don’t have it so low

so so low i don’t get nobody

want so many

people hate me no i’m yeah

yeah i got a dog collar

today joe i don’t know it was myself no

for the girlfriend

but it has like 10

levels and like the first

level you know it’s very mild and then if it keeps on

barking it gets higher and higher it goes up to

these 10 levels right

right so we had ma’am miller on today’s

skeptic tank with ari shafir

and we decided like hey my pekingese

is wearing this

it’s not gonna be that bad so ma’am puts it around his

neck barks and fucking

he’s just like this is

awful this is awful

and i’m like alright

you have to try

didn’t think

that that it went up another

level because of that

is he barked

every time we do a

ketchup yes and

it had already because my dog had made it go up to like

level two or

three or something like that

so it was already on like

level three

then ari puts it on

right on his

throat like on his neck and barks

shocks the fuck out i’m like alright it’s not that bad

but i wasn’t

going to do it like fuck that you guys

so i was holding i went to hold it and they were

laughing so hard and i

started laughing that it vibrated

and it made the

noise and it

shocked me in the hand my hand

still feels

numb that hard

it’s pretty

shocking doesn’t

fucking what the hell’s his name

jason ellis

doesn’t need to like fights

where dog collars and

shock them remotely

that’s what how

why we decided to do it because the man was talking

about he just did it with nick swartzen

where they had

fights and then they had him like wrap around the

legs and stuff

and it would just drop you that oh

dude i am not down with that

those guys are

crazy i think that played today

jason ellis show

yeah he’s electrocuting himself

that’s ridiculous why get

ellis on here

man i will dude he was i’m supposed to do his show to

where we have it in planning

because it’s hot man ladies

so next week will be on

monday and tuesday next week

and times and guests and all that shit to follow

this weekend

joey and ari and i are at

helium in philadelphia i almost said helium in

philadelphia

that’s what happens at the end of the show

folks your brain is done

so if you’re in philly come on down it’s all sold out i

think there was only a couple tickets left for

thursday night late show that was all that was left

we added a late show thursday that’s how we roll

we’re like gabriel iglesias but white

gabriel will do five shows on a

monday hell

yeah that motherfucker

rakes it so

if people want to get a hold of you

best way twitter yeah just twitter twitter yeah that’s

fine facebook whatever facebook facebook and

brian please follow brian

you get so sad

you get sad what are you up to now

huh what are you up to now i

think i were

about 18 000

still 10 000 away from

michael i’ll tell them before you came in joe i got

a fucking i got a

stalker before i got any fans i got

somebody who made a fake page on me on facebook and i

checked it yesterday and

i was thinking oh

maybe i got some

other fans i didn’t hear about

there’s one follower on this fake page

wow just so depressing it

was like damn somebody made a fake page out of me and

i got one fake fan

check out desquad

tv though for the

death squad podcast and subscribe to that please

do whatever the fuck you want to do

folks don’t listen to anybody

including him please

i’ll see you guys at philly see you next week

monday and tuesday for the podcast

and that’s it oh can i

say something

real quick tell everyone you want for all of

the podcast guys that

hung around through all of this craziness

thank y’all for

watching guys this was fun

thank you joe for having me read

thanks for being on guys

thank you man powerful

see you bitches love you flashlight

oh yeah flashlight

our sponsor

is if you go to joe rogan

net and click on the link

the little flashlight link and

enter in the

code name rogan you get fifteen percent off

so you get a discount on your masturbation

it’s a quality product made by nice people

white and blue only unfortunately and clear

what’s that

white blue and

clear only though unfortunately no

black yet there’s no

black vaginas yet i don’t

think so blue

white and clear really

now you know joe can i plug it to work sure

we got plug in a

smile and die comedy

we’re going with rick shapiro

up north bay

area for a few days coming up this saturday we’re

starting the purple onion and then off

i think somewhere else in san francisco

i don’t know

but that you can follow that shit on twitter too just

smile and die comedy

smile and die comedy

that’s what it is on twitter it’ll be

all alright

bitches love you

see ya bye bye