the joe rogan experience

freaks and geeks lovers and children what’s going on

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the podcast and

our guest today is the one and only mr dave foley

dave foley’s in the house

thank you holla

dave our podcast is sponsored by the flashlight

i don’t know if you’ve ever

utilized one of these masturbatory devices

no i haven’t can i try that

during this interview sure sure touch

it is it a that’s the butthole version

that’s the butthole

i don’t recommend you jump right into deep end

it’s like trying heroin before you try pot

yeah but it’s tighter

i don’t know it’s well yeah but i usually

with a butthole i like

i like someone to apologize to

so i don’t know if this is really

good for me

yeah it might

develop some bad social habits just

force yourself on it just

baby i know baby just let me get through this

what a terrible

terrible thing

what is that what is the

instinct that i don’t know but anal sex is so popular

with the young people

these days i

think that is because of the porn

i think the porn has fucked the kids heads up i

think it’s two

things is the porn and it’s the bush administration

really because

there was actually this study

done they said like

eight years of

of abstinence

only education in the us they got rid of anything

other than abstinence only education

in the schools

so all these kids have

grown up thinking

alright well if they take it in the ass they’re

still virgins

whoa really

yeah so all

these like christian kids in the

bible belt are all having anal sex

because of this it’s like

you know it’s blowback it’s

unintentional blowback there was

always a few girls like that when we were young that

did you know

think that they were

still virgins if they took

in the ass there was like one or two girls that you had

heard about but they were always like a joke yeah i

never i never met a girl

in you know before both my two

marriages not

until after not till i became single

again this third time

have i ever met girls that that

that were into anal sex really

ever you can find them

they’re out there i know but i you know

people that are allergic to peanut butter

you know yeah

it’s not that common that peanut butter can kill you

yeah but you’re

gonna meet them

you’re gonna meet them yeah

especially if you’re out there on the hunt

yes if you’re out there getting

crazy looking to

stick things in people’s butts

well i thought you made it out on the hunt for peanut

allergy people no that’s

cause that is a sexy that is a sexy turn

i love fucking me some peanut allergy people yeah

yeah they don’t have a lot of resistance no no

they give up easy mmm hmm

so um dave and i’ve

known each other

since 1994 when i

first started doing

when i first started acting really

news radio was one of the

first acting things i’d ever done

we had done one of the sitcom before that yeah your

own did this

thing cardboard balls

yeah absolutely terrible

terrible and

i think terrible

is a good good

word you invented

yeah you should

throw a couple

other fs in there yeah

it was you and mike starr

right yeah and

there’s another guy

bruce guy i

think his name is

greenwood he’s always in a bun he was like in star trek

he played captain

kirk’s dad you know he’s

he’s always doing a

bunch of different

things there’s a few

an alley god

was her name

oh fuck i forgot her name

but she’s married to

george stephanopoulos

oh yeah i know i know

what you mean

yeah i know what you mean very nice

girl i can’t

remember her name either alexandra wentworth yes

and yeah it was a terrible show it was really

funny premise and it was written by

these guys who

had written the simpsons and they worked on

married with children

kevin kern and jeff martin really

funny guys but they were very much writers

they were very

quiet guys they were a little socially awkward

and the network just did not

think that they

would be able to handle

producing a show

so they brought in this

ultimate hack

i don’t even remember

his name was bill something or another but he was death

every joke was

death all of his

instincts were terrible it was just the

worst most hacky shit the guy had

never said a

funny thing in his life

so i got to see the worst

aspect of hollywood

and then i was totally

ready to bail

and go back to new york and just go back to doing

stand up but unfortunately i’d

leased a fucking apartment

because i was convinced this show was

gonna be successful like

every idiot yeah

so i stayed around and then next

thing you know

i’m saying news

radio literally

thanks to ray

romano being

fired in rehearsals yeah

so what was that like you were there in the

pilot i was not

what just didn’t work out was just the

wrong character it was weird

i mean cause i

guess ray knew

things weren’t

going well i didn’t really

perceive that he was having any real problems you know

except but he he

would get break

would come up to me like

he man you gotta help me out here you kind of

know i got i

gotta get a joke in here i gotta

i gotta make this

funny somehow

maybe it was just a stench

of nervousness yeah he was like

i panicked i

guess he was

you know and then

knows then i

got the call yeah i got that call from paul

you know saying oh

well we’re gonna let ray go and well

that’s ray though all the time

thinking that something’s going terrible

yeah he’s like one of those guys

always thinks that

things are going wrong there’s a

recent he did an interview on the

green room that paul prevents a show

oh yeah where he said that

still to this day he goes on

stage and the audience cheers and he feels like a fraud

you know he steps out there they love him you

know fucking ten years of a

great sitcom a

great stand up

comic all these people love him

he’s like girl

they don’t even like me this is fake

he gets out there and he just weirds out

weirds out the fact that all

these people actually like him

you know and then there was the guy that did

the part during the pilot and then just

that was it for him they just didn’t use him

after that yeah

i forget his name now bill

i don’t even think they considered this poor fuck

no he was just there as an

interim filler yeah

which is horrible

his position to be in

yeah so i was in my

apartment and i had a deal

with nbc some sort of a development deal

and they said well there’s a show that we

would like you to read for if you’re interested

and then they gave me the tape

and i remember

thinking holy shit this is fucking good like

like there’s no

way i can get on the show like this is like a real show

like the other hardball show at

least it sort of made sense

like why did they

picked me with zero acting ever

to be on this sitcom oh because they’re

idiots and they don’t know what the fuck to doing

you know but all the

sudden this

was like this real npc show and i was like holy shit

you know i can

still remember being there on the

first day of set and like that i’m fucking sitting

right next to phil hartman like how

weird is this

you know i mean i

literally had

when i got my

development deal they made me take some acting

classes so i took some one on one acting

classes with some

crazy failed actress

woman in new york who was

unbelievably bitter

yeah you know and play like weird

psychological games with you they won’t give your

teaching certificate

unless you’re unbelievably bitter i think

she was brutal

and then she was trying to

angle a job she kept trying to

angle a job to play my mother

and i’m like i don’t

think there’s a mom in this fucking

script you know

crazy bitch well if there’s a

thing that comes up to play your mom you’re

gonna use right

oh god yeah

and all of a

sudden we’re on news

radio it’s crazy

yeah yeah that was

because we had well we had a different because it was

the joe character was different and also the catherine

character was

different different actor playing catherine

oh we all that too

yeah so you forgot

about that you and

candy both came in

at the same time wow that’s crazy yeah

i just ran out of

candy recently at the airport she

still looks like she’s 30 years old

yes crazy i know

black don’t crack baby

mm hmm something

about those jeans

it’s amazing yeah she looks fantastic

healthy and vibrant

yeah no survived

in as what is

that csi miami

yeah she bolted from that show too i told her i saw her

oh i’m not on that show anymore

honey yeah yeah yeah

she’s famous for leaving shows

yeah she is gorgeous

yeah she’s a

she’s a wild bitch

she’s crazy

candy alexander is awesome i love her but she’s

legitimately wild like

she doesn’t take any shit

she quit news

radio because

she wasn’t getting enough jokes

i mean she just decided there’s a tv show

in the air and it’s doing really well and she’s getting

you know some

silly amount of money

every week and she’s like no

i’m not they’re not appreciating me i’m gone yeah

and the writers were

completely in denial

about it it was the weirdest

thing you know when it came up

yeah they’re like well that’s not true

right like what

the fuck are you talking

about man yeah

no a bunch of

white guys from harvard

were not able to

write for a

black woman a black

woman well it didn’t even seem like

that it’s almost seemed like they just didn’t bother

yeah they didn’t even try

it just you know

they had her there and if it fit in they

could use her but

occasionally they put the word

honey at the

start of a sentence

when you’re on a show and there’s you know

eight people

sitcom is such a weird environment you know and

eight people are struggling to get their own little

thing in you know yeah

it’s a weird little tense environment

yeah it could be very strange and for her i

guess it was just

disappointing over and over and over again yeah

a lot of people who like that show

don’t know this and this is

a very odd part in history but dave foley literally

wrote half of that show

and half of it on the set

like you were

like an uncredited producer

i mean it would have

never worked the way it worked without you

wow i guess it’s

i’ll say it’s a generous over overstatement i don’t

think it is i really don’t you went over

every scene

you didn’t just rehearse the scene

you went over every scene and you went over the beats

and you came up with alternatives

every single time i mean i don’t think we ever

unless the scene was absolutely perfect

i don’t think there was ever a time

where we didn’t dabble with things

yeah i know we all and

again i can

say everyone did i mean a lot of it was i mean

a lot of the cast you had

you and me and phil and andy

were all used to creating

their own stuff

right so we i

think everyone came into it with that

the ability to

to think on

their feet and change

stuff it was amazing that paul let us

as much as he did

yeah you know he

paul sims who

was a producer of it who also worked on the

larry sander show before that was

you know it’s a really

young guy at the time and just really bright and really

great writer a

great writer and

and just knew

that you know

we could fuck around and make

different things up and

when you’re actually

on the set and you’re acting it out sometimes it

doesn’t come off as the same

as it is on a written page and sometimes there’s an

obvious or not so obvious alternative

but it’s just amazing that he let us do it

yeah well they let

us because yeah we’d rework

stuff during rehearsals and find different

things we thought were funnier

and we’d run it for paul and the

other writers

at the end of the day and if they liked it

it would show up in the

script the next day yeah

it seemed like both of your characters were pretty much

really well written for you guys because

like you two at

least i know

phil hartman

didn’t really seem like that you know in real life i

would imagine but

it’s seemed like you were you and you were you

on that show

which sort of

i mean dave was more innocent and i was more retarded

yeah yeah but you had your theories

and stuff like that well they

incorporated

aspects of our

personalities

definitely i mean

i mean i was

dave nelson’s probably a real mix of me and phil

me and phil

me and paul sims

you know so be

depending on

who the writers felt like mocking more that day

you know it’s like

yeah yeah i was

just a more retarded version of me with special gifts

that i don’t

possess yes

yeah you were yeah you were

a conspiracy theorist with a bit of the fawns yeah

it was a fun gig though a lot of fun

the last year was odd as fuck

yeah but other than that it was it was a lot

of fun yeah

and i’m glad we did the last year because i

would have hated to not see everyone that yeah

that would have been terrified

yeah i always assumed we

would be hanging out all the time from now on from that

point on but it really didn’t work out that way

no no it never does you know

no yeah it’s true cause everybody goes in

such different directions yeah i ran into maura once or

twice i know i ran into her once we had a good time at

one of those nbc functions

yeah and i was on

a news radio

or fear factor and she was on

er and we got drunk together it was a great time

yeah it was like the old days yeah reminded me

ours always fun to get drunk

oh yeah she’s one of the best ever you know

she was the one who convinced me to kick in the

craft service door

because we were all hungry

yeah we had some good times on that set

after the set

after filming we would basically just

drink all night you know

that filming would be done at whatever and

we all have our mini fridges

stocked in our

guest rooms

coolers and we just get hammered

and just shoot the shit and have fun and

laugh and go over dave’s room and listen to some

weird music

a voice had some weird chicks that made you

wanna cry playing

a few of them that you dated

yeah just you know strange

somber women

voices mm hmm

and and then we yeah somebody

would be there till it was time to go to denny’s yeah

right or we would go to

down the street when we were at

sunset gower we would go down to that bar and

what was it

called there was like a like an industry bar like

really catered to people that were leaving the set oh

well right next to the next door

right you know

it was pinot was that what it was yeah

used to be a bar and

grill yeah yeah yeah

yeah be like

all the people from fraser

and that was

weird to be there yeah we

go and it would be

stiff as fuck we

would be hammered

and they would be all

still like doing

their actor

thing you know i thought it was a

marvelous performance i

think he was

quite lovely

did you know that it’s on

broadway now oh

amazing i’ve got to see it

you know they were just all

completely full of shit

and and he would

come in trying to grab everybody’s dick and you know

dave and i would be hammered more be

hammered yeah

julie bean and

julie b yeah we’d all be

laughing and joking around

yeah it was a great

great group of humans

it was one of

the most fun times of my entire life those

it was amazing there was one time i remember we were

about to go

and do it there

was a live audience there and everybody was getting

ready and we were

standing in that little back hallway

where they would introduce us

and i said you know

that this is

gonna be one of

those days where we’re

gonna look back

when we’re older and we’re

gonna go i can’t believe i didn’t

enjoy this more

i can’t believe i didn’t

appreciate how

crazy this is more yeah

you don’t realize

what a random

stroke of luck

it is to get so many cool people all together in one

group yeah the fact that yeah we all wanted to

spend time together

like when work was done nobody

wanted to go everyone wanted to stay

we all had fun

it was a really

weird environment it was a

weird environment too creatively

it’s so rare that a sitcom works

yeah you know i’ve been given

scripts to sitcoms and

fuck i couldn’t get into them i

fucked up at some recent audition

about a year ago i

guess it was

i just i didn’t

even i read it a little bit and then i looked at

him like what the fuck am i

gonna do with this you know it’s just yeah

you just you feel like

like you were there when

lightning hit the ground you know you don’t want to be

you know you know yeah

well with that it was like we were

from the very

first time i

think we were all together on

state it felt like

we’ve been there for years

yeah like it felt like a

group of people have been working together for

for a long time

it was so weird it was such a

weird environment such a

weird experience for me

yeah like i said i had no acting

experience nor aspirations to act

yeah it was

strictly by greed

alone that i

wound up in hollywood because they offered me all this

money to be on a sitcom i was like

fuck really

and all of a

sudden i’m here and then

literally less than you know six

months after that show was canceled i’m on this radio

yeah it was so bizarre

didn’t you kind

of have the same kind of like thrown into it

you were young when you

started kids in the hall

you i was 20 well i was

i was 19 when i

started working with

kevin mcdonald

wow but i was 20 i was 25 when the series

started were you a

comic before or were you doing any kind of improv

before yeah well i

started doing i

quit high school and

started doing

stand up when i was like 17 wow

and then how long did you do it for

just for like just

not even two years

about a year and a half i quit when i was

just around my nineteenth birthday and

that is exactly when you were getting into kids at all

yeah i quit

after when i met

kevin mcdonald and

started doing

stuff with him i stopped doing

stand up so just

focused all your time on sketches and

stuff yeah yeah we’re doing i joined his improv group

um and then

we’re like well theater

sports and it’s taken like

second city workshops and

you know that led pretty

i guess fairly

quickly like within a few years to the

the whole the five men

version of the kids in the hall

that became the tv show

but which they played

non stop in the united

states on comedy central all

the time back in the day yeah

i think we were all they had for a while yeah

that weekend at bernie’s

that was pre south park

yeah oh yeah wrap your

head around that yeah comedy central pre

south park yeah we were pre comedy central i

think we were back when there was

there was the ha

network and the comedy network

is like the jurassic era

yeah and then they

merged and became

comedy central yeah my

first deal with them was on the comedy channel they did

little profiles of comedians and they

would have you do like

it’s where i met

sharon levy who’s the head of

spike she’s one of the heads of programming at spike

she was a pa

and we were in a field

that was on a farm

for handicapped animals

like literally animals that were like like

they had a problem

it’s hard to

laugh at handicapping

yeah you can laugh

doesn’t matter you’re

gonna eat them

when they die

but it was like you know like blind

sheep and you know

a cow with a limp and we were and she was holding the

microphone and i was doing like

stand up to

these animals that was like a campaign

program that they put together yeah

the comedy channel it was

yes god it’s so

funny our time

just fucking

flies by now let’s history

remember alan

yeah sure yeah

allenhave used to

he would be at pino

every now and then or whatever that bar was called

that’s true yeah we

would run yeah he was there

he was doing some show that was nearby

yeah that was the

other thing you’d be like

close by and

we’d also get the feeds from

other other

oh yeah the

other shows

other sets we get to

watch other

horrible sitcoms that was

great geraldo

had a show yeah

that was a good one actually yeah

and so did joey lawrence do you remember that oh i

mostly just remember him sitting in his convertible

playing his own cds really loud

he always had badass cars like

joey lawrence

always had like the newest ferrari or the newest

bentley or whatever

the hell it was but he sit there playing his own

music loud super loud

with a bandana on yeah

okay where is he now man intentionally ripped jeans

he was just in dancing with the stars recently

well i think dave said it best even back then

was that someone needs to tell that

young man that he’s gay

and that’s exactly how you said it too

we stopped and we were looking there

and there was a couple of them

and you just

stopped and paused and said someone needs to tell that

young man he’s gay that’s

we went into work

i mean he would be right you don’t know where

these cars were parked

right directly in front of the building

so you’d open up the door and

you basically be on the set and

right behind that is this fucking guy in his car

blaring his own music from

some insane

stereo system that’s like and if your

music is great

it’s wrong to sit there and listen to your own

music in the car

yeah robert

plant is in his car fucking

beating you know the drums to his

steering wheel yeah they still

be like what the fuck robert really yeah

you don’t get enough attention

yeah yeah but when you joey lawrence yeah

how did you get hooked up with the

south park guys weren’t you the baldwin brothers on the

south park movie i was i met

well i met matt and trey um

before there’s before south park went on the air

i met him they’d done there that the little christmas

thing that was going around yeah

right barnett

yeah brian and santa

and and and jesus which was amazing

and and then

so i’d seen that and then they got their deal with with

comedy central

i was at a comedy central

party somewhere in like

one of the good

parties like the rave parties or no it was pretty

quiet it was in a

small bar it was like a tiny

but they were there i remember because i remember

trey was wearing

a shiny silver jumpsuit

sort of a jumpsuit yeah it was like really shiny

you know it was like super dave but in silver

i fucking love those guys i love that they exist

you know that there’s

these guys that are just so balls out there they

are shit they do it’s just so

crazy when i saw yeah bigger longer on cut

i like you know

at the time i don’t know what the fuck a

south park movie is i don’t know what how

how they’re gonna do this

and i got went to go to the premiere and all i

think was this is the most punk rock

thing i’ve ever seen in my life

this is the most

aggressive thing i

this is the line i shit on your god

you know fuck

it’s amazing

that they got away with it when they had saddam hussein

and the devil

and that whole

thing yeah penis

just when they first cut

remember when you

first heard like cartman

say fuck or something like that whoa

that was huge and then they they took it

with team america

world police they

took it in another direction which

which is fucking

incredible another one of my favorite all time

movies it’s hilarious i mean

they’re just the funniest

that movie for whatever

weird reason

doesn’t make me

laugh the second and

third time i don’t know why

team america

oh yeah i watched it the

other day it was

fucking maybe i’m

watching it

alone maybe i need to

watch it with friends

the first time i

watched it i thought it was the funniest

thing i’ve ever seen in my life by a long shot

the scene where the guy

throws up all over himself and the

throw up just won’t stop and it goes on forever

i was like these

guys are animals like they don’t fuck around

they go so deep

yeah well that was the

scene in the car is going

well first you’re

gonna have to blow me yeah

you’re kidding no i’m serious you’re really

gonna have to blow me

did you ever

see the uncut version when they take a shit

the you know

the girl takes a shit on his

chest and pisses

in his face

no no no the

crazy sex scene between

the two dolls oh that’s

i never saw the

uncut version yeah she shits on his chest

and the sensors were like enough already dude

the fuck wasn’t even

about censorship it

was yeah it was just that it was just oh come on well i

think it’s also they’re very savvy and they

understand the

system that you have to put so many

things in in

order to get what you actually want

so yeah so they feel so the

sensors feel like they’ve done

their job there was an episode of newsradio

about the word

penis and because this episode

this episode had like you know 30 uses of the word

penis in and they

wouldn’t air it one season

and we had to wait

until the subsequent

season before they

started airing it remember that oh

right i forget

and yeah they kept

and then there was

still a negotiation they wanted

the number of

penises removed yeah and

the premise of the

story was bill saying

that you have to say a

bunch of penises in

order to be able to say one or two

you have to compromise

i mean literally they’re like letting

everyone in on the goof

and these fuckers

still do it you know

these network people are

still well you’re saying it too many times

if you can say penis once

why can’t you say it a thousand times what the

fuck is the difference if it’s relevant

if it’s not like what are

you trying to pull off by saying it over and over again

i know well

see i have a problem

cause you know

well you have children and i have children

and my daughter will say well

why is it okay to say poo but not shit

right and my only answer is

cause most of the people in the

world are stupid

there’s no other explanation for it

there is no

other explanation

because they mean the same thing

you know so i’d say like

you know language

you know all words are supposed to just convey

a meaning and if the meanings the

same the words are the same exactly you know we have a

weird really

weird thing

in this country

in this country in this culture

where we’re sensitive to

secret words you know

secret special words we’re very sensitive to yeah

yeah you know whether it’s faggot or nigger

or shit or pits it’s all shit

there should be no

magical words that have you

know they’re

completely imprisoned

of superpower

yeah you know

yeah and then

the fuck word

you know which is like this sort of like

sort of acceptable like not even that bad anymore in

casual conversation you know

this fucking guy or you know

as long as you

don’t use it too much people don’t really seem to care

businessmen

will say it in meetings yeah

absolutely sure but children

children yeah but we

still send them to

school and tell them

pretend this

still exists

there was a

yeah that these words are bad

there was a

photo that i talked

about on the podcast the

other day i’ve been talking

about this on

stage because it’s so ridiculous

it was a mexican drug killing

they chopped this guy up into a

bunch of pieces

skinned him took

his skin off of his face like a mask hung it on a stick

all of this is on the air

and then they cut his hands off inside one of his

hands was his dick and his balls and it was blurred out

see that all i can

think is that

and people say mexicans are lazy

that’s a lot of work

you won’t see a white killer taking the time it’s true

he sent a very clear message

and so did the owners of the website that

balls are scary yeah

not skin skulls and no

hands you know

it’s the same

thing it’s like what is

wrong with us why do we look at things that way like

the other day my daughter she’s

taken to saying shit when things don’t go well

which is what happens when she hears it you know they

imitate their

atmosphere my wife

is horrified she’s like if we stop now she’ll stop to

and i’m like and then what

if you’re just taking a break

just taking a

break for 10 years then she’s

gonna start saying shit

again like everybody else

why can’t you

say it’s cute as hell man i know i’ve just told my

daughter just don’t do it at

school it’s like

there’s no reason

i keep saying it’s not

like there’s any reason for you not to do it it’s cool

other than the fact that

you’ll get grief from people it’s

truly amazing that we grew up knowing they were silly

and now we’re

adults and it’s

still silly and we’re

teaching children and it’s like

this meme takes forever to get out of our

system this forbidden word meme

like why is it still here

it’s absolutely

ridiculous we

could eliminate so much and

still convey the

exact same thoughts

if we had no bad words

yeah you could have cunt on

television and everyone

would just get used to it

and it would

be fun it wouldn’t change the

world you know it

wouldn’t wouldn’t make people

angry it wouldn’t

cause crime

i don’t think you’re allowed to

bring the word cunt across the border into the united

states i think they will

confiscate the word cunt from your lexicon

if you write in the

work you have to have

three different pages right yeah

sir are you carrying the word cunt in your brain

now you’ve just started to do

stand up recently which is

a fascinating

thing to me because i always thought you

would be a brilliant

stand up because you’re a great rider

and when we used to do

those little things in the audience remember when

we would talk to the audience before

you would fuck around with them

every now and then and you

wouldn’t like do

it like phil had a routine that he was doing like phil

actually started doing stand up

because of you know wanting to

entertain the audience so he had a

bunch of bits that he would do

yeah clinton

impressions

were really good and it was like

i was like holy shit dude you know like a real

comic like you’re a standup

he’s like i’ve been

thinking about do it

feels like this really

unusual human being

very very fascinating guy yeah you know

he was the world he was like a

great hobbyist

yeah he would go so deep

he got into flying

and which is actually how i

found out about this neighborhood

yeah phil was taking me out into the valley looking for

different places

where he could

go and have a nice view

we went up in his little single engine

plane but i remember when he first

started getting into the flying

boy he was reading book after book

in between rehearsals he’d be

studying his

pilot’s book like

the dude was up in the little fake broadcast booth yeah

very he was very very disciplined

i always said phil was like a big league

version of mark mckinney from kids in the hall because

martin mckinney was really into his flight simulator

where phil learned to fly a

plane yeah he

loved it he

learned to fly a

plane he learned to sail a boat

he was one of

those guys you know

if only had

learned to duck

yeah well not even if you had

learned to just separate from fucking

crazy people i know had some

we you know we all did i

think had talks with him many times

about divorce

you know like you got to get out of that man

it was one of

those things

where we would have

these parties i mean paul had one

party once and i remember we were all at this

bar somewhere and

phil showed up with the wife and she just

was saying the

creepiest shit and

insulting him and you

know talking

about how she likes pickup

trucks because they remind her of

you know boys

that she used to bang back when she was younger

and just just

torturing him

just torture

talking about oh well you’re not phil you

know phil’s too old and he’s just didn’t he have like

women thrown on him all

the time it seems like if he was that miserable that he

would have just

doesn’t matter man when you have children with somebody

you’re inexorably attached forever phil was yeah

the thought of being separated from his kids

and i understand because

at the time i was separated from my kids yeah

yeah i know you know i

completely see

where he was coming from he didn’t want

a divorce he thought his wife is with all her flaws was

still very good to the kids and

you know and he

felt like he

could work it out

and then he really got in a pot

no that was his

thing he would just get his laser

yeah i was like

yeah you’d be sitting in his mercedes in his parking

space with this one hitter yeah

baked baked

to the gills getting

stoned and you

weren’t smoking weed at the

time imagine

smoking weed with phil

harvey that

would barely you

yeah yeah you didn’t do any any drugs i

would just drunk

that’s all i would do

yeah i was this is

my old thinking i had a lot of

thinking left

over from my martial arts competition days

and it came to drugs

yeah you know and i thought pot was like one of the

worst for motivation i was like

the last thing i wanted in life was to be a

loser the last

thing i wanted to be was someone who just

couldn’t get

their shit together was lazy

and i knew so many people that

were like that with marijuana

so i’d always

associated it with

losers yeah

you needed your

focus dealt a little i did you

helped me yeah honestly yeah

marijuana is here to calm the

savage instincts of man you know

especially certain

men you know it’s very good to me it’s yeah

the best self

medication i’ve ever

found yeah i

guess that’s why me just turns me into a sponge

makes you extra relaxed

we were talking

about this before the show though you really

should try it when you write

you know i should i haven’t like

yeah i don’t think i’ve ever written

hi hot drunk i’ve written a lot

drunk yeah that’s great too you know

boy drunk on an airplane riding is fantastic yeah

yeah you’re

stuck in that seat

can’t go anywhere and yeah

the ideas just come

yeah the sensor shuts down

when you’re drunk yeah

yeah oh yeah yeah of course that’s why

so many great writers are

drunks you know from hemingway the hunter s thompson

so many of them just wanted to escape

or get to it escape from

themselves and get to whatever the ideas were whatever

the words were it’s like

it gives you that window

where you don’t hate yourself long enough

you know before the

depression of the

drinking sets

in but that moment

where you think i’m

brilliant and i’m beautiful

yeah and before the

depression sets in that was always

the news radio set like you wanted to

leave after

three hours

you didn’t want to be there on the fourth and

fifth hour yeah

when all the irish

blood comes to the floor

there’s a lot of irish

blood in that

cast so much

she me and mora and you and all of us

mora was mad at me once for a

whole year for

something that happened when she was drunk

she could hold a grudge

yeah she could hold a grudge

you know and she’s so you know you love her you only

want to make up to her so the grudge hurts i know

yeah i saw more briefly i saw

the one she was

only because she was

shooting pilot for her show

underneath my apartment

that’s what it’s oh really yes yes

pete’s cafe and i live

above i shouldn’t say that on the don’t say that

crazy fucks go find you

girls with white makeup on and black lipstick

waiting for you yeah

i sorry i started shooting

and she over there short hair

her hair was

going back in it’s a single woman now right

yes yeah as she

still i don’t

know i don’t know i don’t know i’m talking all the time

if you’re listening

mora pick up a

phone come on yeah holla at your boy make a call

follow me on twitter

call my agent that’s the easiest way

i know you’re legit

you know how to get ahold of people

so you and you were married at the time

and you were

getting divorced

while we were doing the show

and it was one of the craziest

things i’ve ever

seen in my life and not just the phil hartman divorce

thing you know scared me but dave

things scared me

and one of the reasons why dave’s

things scared me was

you do not want to get fucking

married in canada no

because when you

break up in canada

say you decide you want to get a divorce

you can’t legally get divorced

until you’re separate for a year

right that’s correct

i’m not sure i can’t even remember

i believe it was a year it’s

tattooed in my brain

because i remember

thinking how

crazy this was that you were fucked

and what was happening was

his first wife was

an eccentric character

and she decided to

start taking the children

all over fucking

world her content

on the radio i

would have gone with that yeah so you’re a

great guy and i want to say that

she’s a cunt yeah

well she’s the

mother of your children so

yeah that doesn’t excuse it

that is not a get out of get out of cunt freeze

well she was very odd

and the first

season the guys were together and i believe by the

second season it was over

yeah yeah we split up yeah and

so she started

what she would do is

spend all dave’s money

so dave would be working and she would

spend all dave’s money

i mean by crazy expensive furniture

fly all around the

world all the time

so whenever dave wanted to see his kids

he used to have to get fucking malaria shots yeah okay

so one time we’re at one of these nbc

things and dave’s fucked up on malaria medication

and gin and tonics or whatever the fuck you were

drinking yeah and you get like

like crazy i had to stop dave from beating a guy up

i had a step in between do you remember

the big guy with the long hair with the fucking don

joe over here tony i

quite like yeah

tony carrie

it wasn’t i really like

him it wasn’t that the guy had done anything

wrong it was just the malaria

medication you become a psychotic

it’s a very common

effect especially

apparently when you mix it with alcohol yeah

well and you and then you

added that having made two trips to africa

in a month yes

africa to see his fucking

kids like i had to fly to i had to fly to morocco

at thanksgiving

and so we had two weeks off of it so i

floated flew

to and this

again and she

when we first

celebrated she took the kids we

said we like a somerset mom divorce

where i was like

i need to take

the children to the continent and gather my thoughts

so she like

traveled through europe with

you know a six

month old baby and a two

year two and a half year old for

six months and then

so then thanksgiving

they were in morocco so i had to go meet him in morocco

so i spent ten days in morocco

then another 24

hours flying back

and then two weeks

later we get our christmas

break so i have to fly to zimbabwe

oh my god and there was nothing you

could have done like

taking your

money and like

hey i’m giving it to joe or something like that

no it was like oh money

yeah no you have to be responsible for taking care of

their well being

well at the

time when i like when i made her get into therapy she’s

like i forced her to get

us to get into couples therapy because i was miserable

and and so since we got

i said let’s go to therapy she said well i

gotta go first

and all right you can go see the therapist

at the traps yeah so she goes and

explains to the therapist that i’m an abusive husband

uh you know and then she starts phoning

she actually excuse me being physically abusive whoa

and then she starts like phoning my family

and friends

and saying that i’m physically abusive

okay complete fabrications right so she’s just

creating stories a good friend of mine

steve hibbert when he heard this

said that’s crazy if dave was abusive

she would be dead yeah

you know but

no then i go into therapy and the therapist goes

you know who

is prepared for this abusive husband to walk in

and she goes

it was and she explained me

later that was very

weird because you walked in and

you didn’t match the description of you at all

and she said

when you walked in you and i saw you two together

i immediately

realized that if anyone in this couple was abused it

was it was me

did the therapist

say this to her

i don’t know if she ever said it to her in therapy

did you have a one on one with the therapist i had

one on one with

it we both saw her individually and together

and then after

that’s six months of therapy

my wife when i thought

things were

starting to get better because i was

you know i was able to do

things like go cd

shopping with steve

without get without that being a huge

fight when i got home

you know you know

so that was i got that

oh i’m a little

bit of freedom here i can go out and hang out with

hang out with my friends

for a little bit without there being a huge fight and

but then you like she was diagnosed as

having borderline personality disorder

what is that exactly mean why is

it borderline personality disorder well it’s a misnomer

really i don’t like it

they used to

they used to

think it was because

it was a condition that bordered on being psychotic

and now it’s they

that’s they know

that isn’t the condition it’s not anything to do with

psychosis but

the name is stuck

the problem with my problem with the

name is when you say borderline personality disorder

do you have a fucking personality disorder or not yeah

what is borderline you’re kind of

weird kind of yeah and in fact

cause in fact borderlines

a lot of therapists won’t even

treat them cause they

think they’re just impossible to

treat another horrible people to deal with

you know that they’re incredibly

dishonest the pathological

liars how do you

define it though

how can you define

certain sets of mental illness i mean yeah they

do is it a judgment call there’s like that

was the dsm is that what it’s called the diagnostic

standards manual

something that and it’s got like a

checklist and if you

score a certain number on the

checklist they go that’s a diagnosis

and i think

she had like nine out of ten

on the checklist

for borderline was she always this

way did she change no she was always that way she was

yeah like basically as soon as we became

a couple like before we were couple she was like my um

before she did she was my best friend’s

girlfriend oh shit you know that’s

karma son yeah that’s what happened you know

you got hooked up with karma yeah

so it was like one of the

things were

like did she

break up with him

first and then go out with you or you oh

no no it’s like one of

these things

where i sort of said look i’m

we should stop hanging out so much

because i’m you know

right i was like

feeling bad

about it again i was like 20

years old and at that

point kind of lonely and desperate

and said look i’ve got

these feelings and we

should stop hanging out together

alone really you actually said i have

these feelings and we

should stop hanging out

how many guys

would do that

very few yeah and her reaction that was the

she just showed me her tits and

started kissing me so

oh all right

well i tried you did give it your best

so um so what happens then you go to the

buddy and go hey bro uh i

fucked your girlfriend

again well i

tried to cool it

tried to get out of it and i even was out of town for a

while and tried to stay away from it but

you know he was probably like thank god

thank god yeah well that’s the thing

i didn’t realize at the time

cause i’ve gone

alright i thought

things were okay with them and

and you know it wasn’t till

she and i hooked up like because

again as soon as we hook

because borderlines when they love you

you’re the most beautiful perfect

thing in the world

but then but then

after that like if anything is

wrong then you

suddenly become the most evil dark horrible

thing in the world

and they can’t

they can’t see

the two at the same time they can’t see your flaws

and your and your virtues

how do they treat it

wow i think i’ve

dated somebody

every girl you’ve ever

dated like man i need to

write this fucking

guy you don’t even know he just got

out of a relationship with a penthouse pet of the year

oh real and it was

wonderful for me it was like i had my own soap

opera going on

yeah but it was also just like this

where when shit went down it was

it was on or off it was no like

shits down maybe we can work through this it

was just that’s one of the key signals of a borderline

is that they say it’s an inability

to recognize the good and bad in the same person

wow you know

you can shift from being the most evil person to the

greatest person 100 percent

exactly so with my

first wife before we were a couple

when it was just

illicit you know when it was like these secret feelings

you know when we were friends i was the

greatest guys and she made me feel like i was the

greatest guy on earth

so you thought this is the perfect

woman for me yeah she’s with my friend you know

we have to be

they do right you know

yeah you know and then

but as soon as we became a couple

first thing that like sex gone immediately

whoa we didn’t have sex for eleven years

wow we were together 11 years and we’d have sex

maybe once a year oh my god how did you have two kids

once a year wow

really i have very motile sperm

holy shit we had kids cause she decided she wanted to

get pregnant

and even at that

point i thought

well at least we’ll get laid

you know oh god

but dave where were your friends while this was all

going on well what do men friends always do

it depends on the men friends they

never say anything they just sit there and

quietly hate

and hate her not me man

i’ve learned from the phil hartman

experience i tell people yeah

whenever i think that

my friends in a bad situation i will pull them aside

i’ve offered

which is on risk you

should take for a friend yeah i’ve had

friends stay at my

house duncan stayed at my

house for a few

months after he got out yeah

you know you

gotta tell people like bro

you’re stuck and you

think for some reason

that this person is a part of your life

they’re not

this is a show that you’re

tuning into that you can shut off yeah

and for me it was like this a lot of

guilt about how we

started of course

and then eventually eventually you know

i’m almost as

crazy as she is

after 11 years of no fucking

your brain doesn’t function properly

you know and it’s also 11 years of like

twice a month suicide threats oh

god you know oh my god

you know and then you know that you know i got to the

point where i was so

crazy i thought

well man at

least if we have a kid you know

if we have a kid she won’t kill herself when i leave

you know and look

that’s how crazy i

and look oh my

god within a

less than a

month after

my son was born uh

out of nowhere she goes you know i’ve been thinking

about it and i think

if you left me even with

a baby i would

still kill myself

like you could read my mind

whoa i’ve been

thinking about it

yeah holy shit it’s like really

you make me feel better

about myself dave yeah

it was some really

eye opening moments on that set i

learned so much

about all sorts

of different types of relationships hanging out with

you guys oh yeah well everyone was pretty fucked up in

those days the shower

marriages were in bad

shape yeah yeah

yeah the only one that wasn’t well i guess andy

wasn’t really married

right yeah the

kids sort of

married wasn’t he

with forgotten her name now

lena lena yes

you’re sort of

married sort of i don’t

whatever was they

might have jumped over

a fucking broom like on roots

i don’t know if andy actually made it to the

courtroom in time to sign

papers yeah

but yeah well

you know how many relationships are right

yeah of him are together but i remember being

startled when

we all came back from hiatus

and the only one who was divorced was steve root

that right it was

like what we thought you were happy

i know he got fucked hard too here’s another one that i

learned from when

steve saved his entire life as a working actor who’s a

really an actor but had done like a lot of very

small things and

never gotten any notoriety

until newsradio i mean hebrew is really struggling

i believe he said he had

never made more than 50 or 60 000

an entire year ever

before newsradio

then all of a

sudden he does news

radio and he’s making really good money

and then his wife gets a divorce and

expects to be paid

for half the length of the relationship the

money he’s making now

so she just got instantly used

within a couple

months of this new lifestyle

and he was giving her 10 000

a month and

going fucking crazy

you know i remember just seeing him just

couldn’t really

pay for you know

lived in a small

apartment was

fucking struggling was trying to put it together

i had a look at that time i was like

when tabs and i

split up she was

going through

about 50 grand a month god

damn it and

that was before we had that was before we had

like a separation agreement

half a million a year yeah

my god running

spending it and you have to make a million to

spend a half a million yeah yeah

jesus christ it

would have been so fun though she was

renovating the

house constantly what

to be her to be her yeah

she’s crazy though

she rescape

had the backyard re landscaped

twice because she decided she didn’t like

where the koi pond was

oh my god you know that’s

you know queer

pons are pretty awesome though yeah

that’s the one

thing i’ve always thought

about kelly it’s something

to eat that’s nice you know what you can’t really

raise a child in a healthy home

without a collective

is that was that her argument you know

it’s her argument

it’s all for the kids

yeah the kids need a koi

pond kids need to go to morocco and

worry about getting bitten by poisonous insects yeah

she turned like the

third she kept

renovating this

house like least

spent like another like a half a million dollars

renovating a

fully renovated house yeah

it’s just so

i mean like i’m

married now

and you know i

think about the

legal ramifications of that and

i do have a prenuptial and all that

stuff and i

absolutely think that

marriage is retarded i

still think it’s retarded

but mrs rogan doesn’t

and i love her so i was willing to do it for her

and think it’s

crazy but god

everywhere around me is just

people with

bullet holes in

their heads

and then i’m saying i don’t

think i should put this gun in my

mouth it’s like

trust me it’ll be fine

but it’s just like i just see the remnants of divorce

everywhere just constantly

the legal idea of it is just so it seems so

ridiculous that you

would get two people in a relationship and

force them either to be together

or to distribute money

you know it’s fucking it’s so

crazy yeah i’m terrified to get

married just because my own parents getting a divorce

and just stories like this it’s like i’m scared as

fuck my parents

not getting a divorce was equally terrifying yeah

it was like sometimes more yeah

you know but no

it’s true i mean i’ve been i’m divorced

twice now you know yeah

you went back

on both ends

right you went back into it

after all that you went back yeah

yeah well you know love is a

motherfucker

and again i don’t really i don’t really believe in

marriage either

but the us is not set up for you not to be married

if you’re canadian

or no even i

think even for americans there’s no like real

civil union

no like you know okay so you

worried about

like if you had to go to the hospital she couldn’t

visit you that’s what actually came like

she almost died in an emergency ward once

and i couldn’t get any information

about her and i couldn’t see her

because you

weren’t married yeah

oh fuck you know

and as i after that

this country’s

weird but it’s not

weird because how

would they know if she’s in a coma

that you’re

not just some creepy fuck that put her in the coma

i mean you could be some weird

stalker i mean

unless you’re actually the husband

prove that you’re the current boyfriend you

could be the ex boyfriend and

still trying to get her back yeah

yeah but you can see why in this circumstance

why why if you’re gay you really want gay

marriage not

sure not just some

something similar

to marriage

that’s to me

one of the most fascinating arguments and immediately

labels you a retard

in my book if you

think that it’s a bad idea

gay people shouldn’t be

married i think all

marriage is a bad idea

yeah i agree but gay

marriage is no

worse than straight

marriage like why

would you not want and

people will

start talking about

taxes and not

all i hear is

i’m gay and i’m hiding it or i’m scared of being gay

or i’m humble

that’s all i hear yeah

yeah there’s a couple of

things that somehow gay

marriage is

gonna hurt their

marriage yeah exactly

no that’s like

to value like like you know like well

you’re gonna

flood the market with marriages yeah

not that fox show who wants to

marry a millionaire or anything i mean come on

stories like this yeah

housewives of beverly

hills you know if anything devalues

marriage i mean fucking

they had a reality show about flava

flave getting married you know what i mean it wasn’t

you know nobody nobody protested it this is devalued

married i’d show up at that route

but there was two guy

there’s two guys that i know that live

down the street and

they’re gay and they have kid they have they to

adopt they actually didn’t adopt a kid

they have stopped combined their

sperm together and hired someone to carry their baby

and the first woman

changed her mind

right after they had paid for

everything and took care of her for nine

months and gave her a salary

and the baby comes out she goes i

think i’m gonna keep it and they’re like what

and like they had

spent like hundreds of thousands of dollars they had

given her a

salary for the entire year

and then they had

spent all this

money on medical procedures and taking

care of all of her medical bills and all that stuff

and then at the end she’s like

psych it’s my kid

yeah she just took it and so

they went through the

whole process again

and then had a kid so there wasn’t any kind of like

court thing they

could have done

or contracts or

there’s nothing you can do it’s her baby

it comes out of her body you can’t take her baby

you cannot tell yeah but there

should be like hey we’re giving you this

money shouldn’t

be really you don’t have to pay it back and the sperm

yeah shouldn’t

be yeah you know

you know what it’s

i think what she did was

you know i mean probably

deceptive maybe

but who knows

maybe she just

changed her mind

she was overwhelmed by emotions and couldn’t believe

the idea that she’s

gonna leave this kid behind in the world and

and just go

about she wouldn’t be able to deal with it i see her

point of view more than i see

their point of view well definitely

have did was

shoot a load and maybe

spend some money

you have a baby it’s yeah

ultimately when it comes down to it if you can’t

say goodbye to that baby you can’t say goodbye to the

baby to me seeing my wife

have kids seeing the baby come out of her body

being near the

moment the baby’s born seeing the bond seeing

this moment

fuck man you can’t take a baby away

a baby has to be in

trouble if you take a baby away it has to be some

crazy method or a bad person

i mean that’s the only way she’d take a baby away

it’s like this is a nature bond that’s

i mean it’s

a soul stealing bond

i have a buddy and his ex

girlfriend was a

she was a stripper

when she was like 16 she had a baby and

gave it up for prostitution or for adoption rather yeah

for prostitution

can you do that

besides so early you

did that yeah

you can find

yeah if you find a nice pimp

and she was this poor girl was wrecked

for the rest

of her life she was devastated whenever she would

drink whenever she

would be out

she would just think

about that baby that she had when she was sixteen

yeah now that it’s out there in the

world and that she’s the

mother and she just has this hole in her soul

forever yeah

and she couldn’t make up no matter

what she did she couldn’t fill it up with drugs she

couldn’t fill it up with dick she couldn’t figure out

she couldn’t fill it up it just yeah

there was a

hole yeah i

would so these

poor guys down the

street you know

they spent the

money but they have

money they’re

gonna be fun

yeah you know they got ripped off no big deal yeah

they now they have a kid it’s really fascinating though

cause the kid is

starting to get a little older now

he’s like four

or five you know and now when i see him he’s

starting to go

where the fuck is my

mother you know

everybody else has a lady around them like

these two dudes all the time yeah

you know so i’m sure it’s pretty

weird for him yeah

why is everything so tidy

oh it’s fashion sense

i mean what

happens with gay guys when they get divorced how

does that work i mean how do you decide who’s the wife

you know is it

is it who’s working and who’s not which one

which one’s

butt is tighter yeah

the butt is tighter

the wife looser not me the other way yeah yeah

yeah i’ve never understood the

whole top and bottom

thing that’s a

i was gay i would just i would be versatile

i would be yeah

move it around how do you not have you not

you know give and receive yeah

how do you know i don’t understand that how rude yeah

i think some gay guys like the rude guys though

yeah guys just wanna shut up suck it

smack them in the face and run out the door that’s

what they’re looking for they’re looking for some yeah

weird abusive sort of a situation yeah

i just can’t i just can’t

understand being the

other the guy that does the abusive

do you know

anybody that’s a guy that’s getting alimony um

well isn’t bora paying

is she i think so really still

i don’t know

wow that was that was a

crazy situation

to have more campy on the podcast to tell us

about it yeah i

think she would

she probably

wouldn’t give it up

yeah it’s crazy story

unfortunately

you’re fucked

folks yeah um

yeah i know one dude i know one dude who

married a model and he was a

loser he was an actor

and she’s a very

famous model

and she’s still paying them

and they have kids together as well

and she still has to pay him

sounds nice

i never thought

about that i

might try to do that

tom arnold yeah

tom arnold got paid a fuckload of

money yeah yeah

kirstie alley didn’t she pay out

did she divorce did she she have a

young skippy oh yeah

but she was married to what’s his name parker stevenson

right oh yeah

wasn’t he the guy from the hardy boys yeah yeah

well when it wasn’t cassidy

right yeah what happened to that guy

is what joey lawrence right now

know that guy

play your cds again

completely vanished

yeah i forgot he even existed

until you just said his name yeah

like i might not have thought about him in ten years

and wherever

again whatever happens to dudes like that that

act for a long time and then they just stop and vanish

i don’t know

i just keep wondering if it’s happened to me yet

you are in everything

i don’t know you’re even in one of my favorite

video games fallout

like i do oh yeah i keep hearing

about that i haven’t

such an awesome game i

haven’t played

cause i don’t play any

video games cause

i don’t know how

well for the longest

time you did that poker show

yeah and then so

after news radio what did you do after news

radio did you try to develop something else i had like

three or four development deals after that

wrote like about i

wrote like about five

pilots for different

networks and different studios

and none of them sold and

that was it then yeah then just

doing a bunch of

movies brain

candy yeah well

brain candy was

shot while we were doing this radio

is another lesson i

learned that i have to remember before i forget

that i learned

about the movie business dave had a fucking

great movie called the wrong guy

and it was a

great movie and we went to see it i

think brian callan went to see it with me

and we were fucking howling and i was like holy shit

david’s gonna be a huge

movie star this is

gonna be a huge movie

and i remember

watching it

going like this is

one of the best comedies

i’ve seen in years

and then nothing

yeah disney shelved it

yeah well what happened was how hollywood

pictures was our distributor at disney then

they shut hollywood

pictures down in the middle of

production and then

when we were done they reopened hollywood

pictures but with a new president of hollywood pictures

and he didn’t want to

touch any of the

stuff that the

other guy had started

they always

there like that

because if it’s there if it’s a failure it’s

their failure yeah but if it’s a

success it’s the

other guy’s

success yeah

so they just don’t deal with it

so they so got shelves

for like five years

like they would even

admit they had it and

so it never had a theatrical release

never got theatrical release

so it’s available on dvd

right now get it on

amazon com 10

on amazon right now yeah really well then people

should probably pick that up yeah i’m

gonna pick it up

right now with some one

click while

we’re doing the podcast i’m

gonna buy that

it’s actually

one of the things i’m

proudest of is that movie

like creatively

and comedically it was brilliant you know

there it goes

watch this one

click oh done

it’s that easy people i love amazon com

yeah that was a brilliant fucking

movie was really fun

i enjoyed the shit out of it and i

know i remember you guys all coming out to see it that

screening yeah

yeah and i remember

thinking after is over

after the whole

thing where it didn’t work out and

never i’m like wow well this is a

this business is

crazy like this business

doesn’t make any

sense i know

because we really thought we you know we were

clear because we had you know the big

thing was always well

if you’re doing

an independent film can you get distribution

and we went into it with distribution we had disney

lined up in the script

phase you know

so we had distribution

lined up we had

we even had

we were even in profit in foreign sales

while we were

shooting the movie

based on a trailer

whoa that was

taken to can

so we had advanced sales

foreign sales that put the

movie in profit

while we were shooting

but they were all contingent

on a us release

it seems like you

could get a meeting and talk to the new head guy and go

oh yeah we tried it for years well

thank you we’ll make a big deal we’ll do

press releases and

yeah we tried

talking to disney for years and they just

wouldn’t have anything to do with it now

wow there were

other people even

tried to buy it from disney and they

wouldn’t sell

it really yeah wow because of that it was a

success then they fucked up yeah

wow what a creepy fucking business

you wonder why dave chappelle went to africa yeah

well and it’s beautiful there it is beautiful

especially if you can

get away from the

hippos and shit the

flies are nice

so now you’re divorced

twice and and

thank god my

second ex wife is sane

and decent she was very nice person i

met her a couple times yeah

met her at a fucking a satanic ritual on

on oh yeah i

wasn’t there for that yeah

that date was that it was some 666 show

yeah it was the birthday of the

famous satan

yeah oh yeah

dan zig was there yeah and

duncan did performed with his

satanic puppet our friend duncan

yeah your wife was there as like some devil woman

doing some singing back yeah yeah

yeah and hank williams

iii was there that was a

great show man

watching hank williams and danzig together on stage

hanging backstage

and like i’m hanging out with dan zigg right now

it was very

weird yeah that was

a fun that was a fun gig

yeah it was weird

really hammered around a really high rather around a

bunch of fucking

satanists yeah yeah

very very odd that was a weird

phase that duncan our friend duncan went through

cause for a

while he was taking me to like

graveyards to like

hang out with that antoine

guy it was like doing all yeah

i’d go to these people’s

houses and they

would have like

and like the dolls with like the

whatever we put needles in them and

stuff and i’m like

i was really kind of getting it for a

while i was like oh i get it now it’s kind of like

they’re doing

it almost as a joke almost like you know well duncan

was well duncan

was yeah but

well satanism to

a lot of people

is just a hedonism

it’s just living life

with pleasure and

enjoying all

the rebellion

against christian

you know morality

yeah i mean it’s not really like sacrificing

babies or killing goats or anything

stupid like that yeah

so you have

to put well this is why i brought this up so

i ran into you

on twitter i saw you on twitter and one of the

first things i saw you on twitter

was you talking

about how you had just gotten

the court had just told you you have to pay

three times your

monthly salary

in alimony yeah and i

guess two times left but i

would say is an average

because a lot of

months i don’t have a salary

no yeah they ordered

i have to pay

seventeen thousand

seven hundred dollars a month

or go to jail for ten days

every any month that i’m late

without warning

that’s that was the

the judges ruling jail for ten days so do you have to

bet be exported to canada is that what well that’s the

thing i’m here so

do you know say fuck you i

live here now i just stay here but i yeah i can’t risk

going back to canada

you go to jail yeah whoa

so unless i’ve come up with

seventeen thousand

seven hundred dollars

which in a month where i

haven’t earned anything is a little hard to do fuck

that so how much are

you sending over there you trying to like whatever i

can yeah like i said five

grand this past

month and they

should go crazy

twenty grand

a few in november

they should go

crazy and yell at you like you need more and

she hasn’t talked to me directly

you know really sorry

through lawyers but again

they were trying

through this organization called

the fro the family responsibility office in ontario

that and this this

legal office

is really responsible for hounding

a lot of men to

their death

like there’s

a real problem with like people committing suicide um

after being

prosecuted by

these people and

they they were trying to get me

like in november i was sitting in a

court in like november twentieth i guess

sitting in court and

thinking at the end of that day i

might go to jail for six months

they were pushing for me to go to jail for six

months this is what the fro was asking

six month jail sentence if

i didn’t come up with half a million dollars that day

and an additional 30 days for

every month i didn’t come up with the money

all right oh my god so and i was sitting there

going well the judge if he goes for it i’m

in jail for life they’ll cuff me there

that day take me to

jail oh my god and i’ll go to jail for six

months the end of six months they’ll say you know

well do you have the half million dollars

and plus the ongoing

money that would a crew over the six months

and i’d say no i’ve been in jail for six

months how was i supposed to earn any money all

right that’s another 30 days the end of that 30 days

yeah the money no i’ve been in jail so it’s

essentially a life sentence unless someone gives you

500 000 yeah

how long how much longer do you have for this

well it’s really unending

until i pay off the rears

that i owe right

you know and that’s crazy and then till the kids are

twenty two if they stay in school

so and again and so then the

money just keeps adding up and

i’m chopping my dick off tonight yeah like i mean

don’t you know just don’t

marry a canadian chick yeah i mean in order to pay 17

700 i have to earn

about 40 000 in a month just to pay that just you know

you know with

you know twenty percent commission

thirty five percent tax bracket

you know so i got to earn forty thousand

just to have zero dollars fuck

and it’s someone you hate

yeah yeah and you didn’t fuck me for eleven years

tell what crazy ass laws

now when you tell them that you don’t make that much

money anymore what do they

say the judge who pat who made this ruling

because they were

asking for the six

months right

and the judge kept saying to the fro attorney

you know give me another option

because i’m looking at i’m looking at the

the the financial documents

and i’m seeing

where all the money

all the money that has come in i’m seeing

where it’s all gone

it’s all here in this documents

all the money that’s come in and

where it’s all gone i can see it all in these documents

so i am convinced that there isn’t a half

a million dollars for mr foley to come up with today

so if you insist on that ruling

then i would

send him to jail and your client will

never see another

dime because mr foley’s career will be over

and that’s it

and he kept saying

give me an option that will get your client some money

and the fro

refused to say well

we don’t have the authority from our client my ex wife

to make any

other offer um

so for about two hours the

judge kept asking them to come up with another

so all this time when you’re sitting there you’re

going i’m going to jail yeah and i

might be going to jail

essentially forever yeah yeah

what happened

going to jail for being for the

crime of not earning a million

dollars oh my god so what happens if that actually does

happen i mean we have guys gone in jail with an alarm

some like that and

never come out

i don’t know but people have

definitely gone to jail and

and definitely there’s a lot of people who have

been looking at jail time have just killed themselves

now can you

get the kids and have them stay with

you so that she has to tell you it’s alimony bro it’s

alimony no this is

child support it’s all

child support this is all

child support yeah so whoa 17

000 a month in

child support yeah

steal the kids

what the fuck are your kids eating

uh seventeen

thousand dollars

on iphones they’re eating iphones yeah

that’s incredible yeah

seventeen thousand

seventeen thousand

seven hundred dollars a

month that’s

crazy yeah i

would talk to the kids and be like hey come live with

me we’ll have a tv show together i’ll get you a podcast

and somehow turn the tables

well yeah i mean

get a horse

yeah we get a couple you

thought about being on the real

house husbands of beverly hills perhaps

i’m thinking we can get a reality show off the ground

right well you are you willing to

marry a kardashian

oh my god i look hey

i can’t marry

worse than i have

they probably a lot better

yeah not crazy they’re just ambitious yeah

fuck man so

what’s the solution so you cannot go to canada

and you just send whatever

you have and then you have to constantly deal with

legal payments

because they’re constantly trying to fuck you and i

spent like a year and a half

literally going to

court every single month

with lawyers just

basically go having to go to court

every month just

just stay out of jail

to go and have them put it over till the next month

and the lawyers

you know the lawyers

you know i mean

you know people that do family law

a lot of them are really horrible people

and they just make

money off misery

and even my own lawyers

were just you know extending this as far as they could

until i ran out of money

and like and then quit so when i went to court

for this ruling

i didn’t have

i didn’t have a lawyer and

because i couldn’t afford one so you

went by yourself i was there by myself not only was i

there by myself but all of the documents that had been

piled up all of the evidence that had been piled up

over the course of a year

and a half was sitting in my lawyer’s office oh my god

you know so you had no evidence and no lawyer yeah

did you have

records did you have anything i had nothing i

had nothing god so you’re just going

i have nothing i have no

money i this is all i can do yeah and they’re

asked me questions

about files

that have been

piling up over a year and a half

you know but how do they just

think i don’t know i don’t recall i don’t you

know cause i don’t you know

how do they justify such an exorbitant amount of money

because it’s the the

as it was explained to me by my lawyers was that the

court’s assumption is that the children

should continue to live

at the level they were at

at the time of the dissolution of the marriage

so which is

crazy because if

we were still

married and my income dropped

their lifestyle

would change

right but because we’re not

married anymore

their lifestyle

should never change no matter what i’m earning

well i said the

judge the ruling that was enforced was by another

judge named

justice backhouse

and she’s the one who ruled

about three four years ago

when i went back to try and get it adjusted i went to

have a hearing to have it adjusted to

meet my income

um and she ruled

against me and in her ruling she said my ability to pay

was not relevant to my obligation

so it didn’t

matter to her what i proved my income to be

if my income was zero

she said i was still

obligated to pay

as though i was earning a million dollars

i know a lot of people saying joe rogan this day

fully guys bumming me the fuck out i

feel like yeah

well listen

this some important shit this was my education in

in relationships and the law

regarding relationships as i was growing up literally

i mean when i was on newsrady i was a

fresh faced boy didn’t know jack shit

about the world

and this is how i learned

about relationships this is how i

learned about

the whole gamut

from divorce

to fucking murder suicide

and i learned that all

you are happily

married yeah

crazy what are the odds figured it out

who no no yeah

got lucky yeah

could go ugly for me too

i would do in your podcast

i would probably

seriously just move somewhere like live on a

beach in jeb

loves his kids you

get to see your kids

not now i can’t go to canada so i can’t

so you don’t see him at all

no when was the last time you saw them i was in

november wow

that would drive me

nuts last time i saw i

went to see my son’s play at

school as last time i saw

and was the chick there the wife no no she was

there thank god

so you have no communication with her at all

no not no not in you don’t have to pay any more alimony

no she didn’t seek

alimony she saw it

child support

because yeah but it’s

none of it got to the kids

you know it all goes to her

yeah she was getting you know

it’s all this

money and then on top of the

child support payment which is

she was also getting something called section

seven expenses which is

basically anything she

chose to any bills she

chose to run up

what you know so be like

twenty thousand dollars for summer camp

things like

that anything that was for the kids that she chose

yeah so not just

alimony not or not just

child support but

child support

plus and then

all of her living expenses you know like the

the mortgage and

you know everything medical expenses everything

this makes me sick

it should make you sick

it’s so strange and i don’t know if

there’s a way around it i don’t know how to fix it but

it certainly

should not apply to something as

crazy and transient as a hollywood job

the greatest job ever a sitcom job cause

those only last

a few years and you usually get one of them your

whole life yeah you know

it’s just rare as fuck how could you

i mean in the

stephen root situation was the same situation i mean

he got fucked

based on you know

the fact that

that’s when you know he was making the most

money and that’s

when she decided to get and was good yeah

find the whole assumption that

you know it’s

based on an assumption that’s 50 years old that women

can’t take care of themselves they can’t

you know it’s true

you know they can’t all right

just pray for

just pray for breast cancer believe

it or not i’m

covering this in my

stand up but

humorously wow

there are jokes to be

made good luck with that

yeah i mean

i think it’s much more difficult for

women to take care of themselves

especially women who have children

fucking hard to shit man

how raising

kids you know

people who don’t

think that it’s a job to

raise kids you

never tried to

raise kids you don’t know what you’re talking

about i am amazed that kids

are a lot of work did

so many people

think that it’s okay

or that it’s no big deal to

have a full time job and have children

like i have a friend of mine who’s

thirty six who’s

still wanting to have kids and she’s you know

thinking that it’s not

gonna interrupt her job

and i’m like you work eight ten

hours a day you’re fucking

crazy you’re

gonna have a new

human being

and she’s talking all this craziness about

childcare i’m like listen

it’s an immense

immense amount of work beyond your comprehension yeah

and especially if you’re

traveling through italy

or africa right

with just the one nanny

just one nanny

yeah wow how

could you do that i don’t know she’s

roughing it yep wow

so i don’t mean to bum anybody out and i’m

sorry the order went

so in depth

so in depth

about this we can cut it down yeah no we’re not

going to this

is live and we don’t edit it

no everyone just go by kids in the hall on dvd support

daily does that

money go to you shows

does that money go to you

ah small percentage what

about the wrong guy does that go to you yeah

really well yeah

almost nothing almost no i

think i just gave you almost nothing there

you go yeah

well almost i mean

that rarely ever sells a copy

so tell me this how did you go from doing

newsradium you had a

bunch of pilots that didn’t take off

how the fuck does that not

how do you not

wind up on something else how does that not happen

i don’t know i mean i did a

you know i was in a

bunch of pilots

other people’s

pilots that i didn’t

write none of

those shows went

and then you know then i also like

was it was the judge on

thank god you’re here with on nbc

which would have been a good money gig

what is that it was an improv show

based on australian improv show

oh did like

seven episodes on on nbc but then it got canceled

this is like during the writer strike

um so you know

you know and you know

and then they just becomes you know

the industry is all

about perception then the perception is just oh

well he’s cold oh

you know how weird is that huh you know

and i kind of kind of thought there would be a problem

i mean i remember

talking to vicki

and saying like when news i kept saying when

well when newsradio gets cancelled

i said i’ll probably

be the hardest for me to get work of anyone else

why’d you think that because i was

first in the credits and the show was

never a hit

oh that’s interesting

so that’s how they do that yeah so everyone else was

a supporting

player on a critically acclaimed show

oh that’s interesting

but i was the

you know supposedly the lead character

on a show that

wasn’t a hit so it’d be well he couldn’t

carry a show

wow what a weird way to look at it yeah

people don’t

know a lot of people that don’t even realize news

radio wasn’t a hit but

while we were on the air

we were on the air we

moved nine times

nine times over the course of five

seasons and oh yeah

the guy had the head of programming it it it

of scheduling and nbc hated us

why was that

i don’t know remember there was that

whole thing with

the rolling

stone article yes

but that was

when we were already floundering yeah

but it was also but the guy

this guy but we

should tell people what that means yeah what’s rolling

the rolling star down a girl

paul stanley or paul stanley

yeah kiss paul simms

who was the

creator of the show called

nbc’s thursday

night lineup

which was their big friends lineup

they called it a shit sandwich

called it was really it

should have been

shit was the bun

because the real sandwich was friends

and then you

would have friends on and then you

would have this terrible show

you know that was always on

after friends yeah

and you know obviously nbc was very

upset that paul

was calling sex in the city or the single guy two

pieces of shit

but you know they were they were terrible

shows and then friends

was this brilliant show that everybody tuned into

so they sort of

watched those

other shows just because they were on

but i guess

the guy in terms of the guy

guessing preston

beckman hated our show even when we did the

pilot he didn’t want it picked up

because we were originally supposed to get a

thursday slot ourselves

but this guy who was in charge of the nbc

schedule wouldn’t let us have a

thursday slot

so then he basically kept trying to find a slot that

would kill us

so that’s why they put us on

what we were the leading

we were on with wings and fraser

and those shows were both doing poorly when we came

along he put us on with

those shows and we our show we

boosted the ratings of both shows

well all sudden became like a decent lineup

for for commies but it

it was a different time then man there was no dvrs and

shows couldn’t exist in

a non popular spot it had to be a spot

where people were

already looking well the ratings we were getting in

those we were getting like 10 million people

tuning in yeah

and those ratings in

those days were considered

a ratings failure

like today if you got

those ratings you’re the number one show on tv

yeah it’s weird isn’t it

cause there’s so many channels now at one

point in time

lou morton used

to show up at our writer’s meetings at the

rather at the runtime oh

yeah the table reads with a

t shirt on with the number of whatever we were in

would place we’re in

and he showed up and it was 84

yes we were in 84th place

and we were like what the was it 84 or

88 it was that

that’s when they finally when

they put us up

against drew carey

yeah and then we had

warren littlefield actually came down to a

table read to let

us know that they

still loved us

where they serve

as turkey dinner

oh yeah remember lauren lauren

like it was there carving turkey and

warren littlefield whatever yeah

yeah he was a nice guy he was a nice guy

or a network head yeah he was very nice to us

i always remember 95

warren littlefield dancing on the bar in new york

when we went for the upfronts

and it was like jay leno

had just hit

was the number one late night show

wow and when warren was

standing on this bar doing shots and shouting 1995

oh wow that’s hilarious

was that the one

which one did you guys get

drunk at i didn’t go and you guys get

drunk at every event

but we got kicked out where we

weren’t allowed to go was it the sag awards yeah

these motherfuckers got so hammered

they caused so much damage at the sag awards

we couldn’t go anymore

we weren’t allowed to go i’ve still never been back

here’s a great one

we’re at the emmys and this is

after phil had been murdered

and we’re sitting

there and you know phil was nominated for something and

the nominations go and i

think the guy from frasier

got it david

hay pierce yeah

and dave turns to me and goes

what does phil have to do to win

like oh no you know it was so i know

it was in david

david i pierce

looks so embarrassed to be winning yeah he was

literally up there like his

all the blood

drained out of his face and he was just going um

well obviously

phil hartman

you know he

couldn’t even like put a sentence together he was

yeah i wonder what the choice behind that was that was

weird you know

don’t don’t kill someone and then you know

expect them to win

so the message yeah

setting out to

murder is cheating

it’s cheating

being murdered is a

cheat oh what a

strange strange times so what did you guys do at the

sag awards that got us kicked out forever i

know i think

most you’re just uh

at the time i guess

cause we all thought what a

stupid award show

you know this is the

first year of the sag awards

we said this is

ridiculous why actors

voting about each

other and giving awards

gross saying who’s best

that’s the you know our

union is deciding who is best

and it creates this weird

culture of ass kissing and fakery

yeah they’re

all like what a wonderful project you know and amazing

and i think what we do i

think moore and i found

where the service bar was

and they had like the big industrial corkscrew and

everything so we were

going back there just opening up bottles of wine

and bringing them up to the table and i think you know

and then you know we had andy with this too yeah

which was so who did what

did anybody do anything notable that got us kicked out

i don’t really remember i

think we were just noisy and rude

and stealing we were applauding inappropriately

like there was no malaria

medicine back then was there no this

was just a drink

the malaria medicine when he took a reporter

a reporter came up to him with a tape recorder

and asked him some questions dave took his microphone

stuck it in his drink

and then pushed him no way

yes and that’s when we realized like dave was off the

tracks in the woods

he wasn’t dave anymore

and then dave was fucking

screaming at this tony guy

fucking up my show and my fucking people i fucking were

i’m like oh my god i think dave’s gonna hit him

and i had to get in between him i had

to corner him

in a bar like physically i had a physically cornered

dave to keep him from attacking this

other guy yeah

but we were always the ones to last to leave the bar

the news radio crew was always last to leave the bar

yeah i think we had this idea

felt like we were like the punks

of primetime comedy

well we were the

least bullshitty

of that you know there’s this

whole culture this actor culture

and it’s one

of the reasons why i was willing to do newsradio

afterwards like the

thought of working with actual actors for five years

it’s like somehow or another i had managed to see the

worst case scenario with this hardball

and then slip

into the best case scenario for five years in newsradio

and then it

was like auditions and being around real actors

again i’m like fuck this man what is there

other shit i can do

and he’s ready

it was a cast

where you regularly hear people say

you know what my joke

doesn’t work we

should cut my joke that his joke

is the better joke yes

all the time

you know it was really an amazing environment and you

would also hear don’t put that pencil in my cunt

you would hear things like that i mean people

would just say the most fucked up shit ever i mean

do you remember the time we had the

we actually had to sit down and

they played that presentation for us oh

the sexual harassment

oh i felt so badly for that person what was that

you don’t know the

group of people you’ve just walked in front of

it was so ridiculous

they have to go over this whole

thing of what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate

yeah it would have

meant basically

would have cut down

about 98 of all conversation on our set

i mean we all just sort of

you know just made an

agreement that we wouldn’t sue each other yeah

yeah like okay

this doesn’t this

doesn’t apply right but if anybody

wanted to i mean there’s been many times on sets where

you know especially

women actresses

feel like there’s too much of that shit going on

and they just fucking fuck this i’m getting a lawyer

and then there’s payouts man it becomes like a big

issue yeah you make a lot of

money i know

cause i remember

like you’d have andy

andy would be sitting there to vicky going

they got us want to

stuff your pussy for

leaves and twigs and mud

you know vicky

wouldn’t be

vicky would be laughing

i remember the very

first time i met andy i mean

again i’d been acting for a fucking

month right i

knew no one like that i grew up with

fighters and pool hustlers

those are the two

worlds that i was most

entrenched in and

crazy stand up comedians they’re all nuts right

and then all of a

sudden i’m in this

dressing room with andy

and andy is sitting

cross legged

and he has clogs on

okay and he’s got

these weird

brown corduroy

pants and he’s like

flipping his foot back and forth he goes

do you think you’re

gonna be famous

and i was like i don’t know what do you

think oh yes

i know i’m gonna be

i know i’m gonna be

i’ve already decided

i’m gonna be so

famous i can’t wait

i can’t wait to be really really

famous do you

think this is

gonna be the show for you or

maybe not yeah

i’m like i don’t know man i don’t know

you gonna be

famous oh i’m

gonna be so

famous from this show yeah

i think you

think it’s already happening yeah i

think the arc of your friendship

with andy was the most interesting of the whole cast

i’d only wish i had marijuana back then

yeah yeah i

would have found him so much more

fascinating because i had testosterone and adrenaline

and that was just

every day was just don’t kill andy

don’t don’t kill him

don’t fucking

kill him because he was just so out of control i’ve

never met someone so out of control but on set nobody

enjoyed andy more than you did

love them like doing scenes

like joe had so much

trouble getting through

scenes with andy

because they

would laugh you

bust you up constantly

he’s hilarious

yeah he’s one of the funniest

human beings i’ve ever met in my life

yeah there’s only been there’s been a few

human beings that i’ve ever met in my life

where i was like wow

what a fucking original

joey diaz is one of them and andy dick is one of them

joey’s funnier than andy but he’s a

stand up but andy

fucking christ he was

funny and he’s no

doubt he’s talented

so weird but

he needs to be handled

andy’s one of

those guys that needs a paul sims and crew behind him

or you write for

him and you put him in yeah and he’s goddamn gold and

after that was over i was like how is no one

grabbing him

and doing another one of these yeah

instead he went and done did that

mtv show which was so

and he was on

for a few years on

was it less than perfect

wasn’t he’s on that for

i didn’t even been as long as news radio that

now he’s like living in a garage somewhere

in a shack on his own property

with his ex

wives god i

heard a story

about him the other day

where he went to

like my friend lives in this

apartment building

where it’s just like you know like the

courtyards in the middle

and they heard all

these people

yelling at like 1 am they look outside and i guess

andy was just like

screaming like i need a beer

and some guy upstairs is like hey

are you a hindi

dick and he’s

like yeah and he’s like we got beer up here man

and so he just came up there and

party till like 4 am

with these strangers in his apartment

sounds like

an ending well i got a text recently i was like

asleep thank god

but then i woke

up and i just got this text from a friend that said

that andy was in the bar downstairs from where my

apartment is

and he said

andy dick is

here and he’s making a complete ass of himself

and yeah he was like running through the restaurant

he was like

grabbing the waitresses

tits and he was like

like stealing food off people’s

plates and at one

point he apparently

crawled under all the

tables and was knocking

tables over

and then he went into the

kitchen and

tried to make out with

you know the dishwasher

you know and

how is he gonna

get arrested

he’s been arrested a lot yeah

well but i do a joke

about it in my act

cause it’s so

ridiculous people

go can you believe andy did get arrested

i’m like i can’t believe he

doesn’t get arrested

every day a day that goes by

where he’s not arrested

you could have a tv show

called let’s get any dick arrested and that’s what it

would be just

every day you show up yeah

cause he is

committing a felony

every day probably yeah

you know poor fucking guy

but you know

he needs to be handled but even if he’s handled he’s

gonna go out of control no i mean that’s

again i think newsradio is such a good

place for him because none of us

really would take any shit from him that yes and also

because he never

became famous from that show

yeah you know it was always floundering and it

never really it became a hit

after it was in syndication that’s when

it became a hit

but there were some moments there were some moments

where andy tried to get

crazy you know and yeah

especially you know he would

try not to pay attention or try to you know

force extra attention on himself

rehearsals delaying

things or fucking up rehearsals or

forgetting to show up yeah

yeah leaving his son on the set when he left

drove home and forgot his fucking kid

he sent this comedy now

right yeah lucas

i saw i think i saw him the

other day at open mic oh

yeah give the poor kid a hug

yeah i saw some

i actually did improv

with andy it

improve olympic

wow io they call it out back with

respect when he had the

ankle bracelet on so he was sober

and i was like i you know

it’s like it’s gone wow

it’s weird andy i don’t you know it’s

weird to be around you when you’re not

when he’s not

fucked up yeah last time i saw him he was sober

he came up to the comedy or to the improv rather

yeah took a

picture of him

cause really i’ve always said

about any of those

i never really

understood why

he needs so much like drugs and booze cause

i don’t know what inhibitions he’s trying to release

well that’s not what it is he’s trying to

quell the demons of his past memories

andy and i had a long conversation

about it once

where he told me he

doesn’t remember anything from age like

eight or nine on

anything earlier than that yeah

he doesn’t remember it he

literally doesn’t remember his

childhood why

his no recollection

cause it was a horribly traumatic

all right he

doesn’t know his parents i mean

i think he met them

after he became famous

yeah he’s met them

in the last few years it

was ugly whatever the fuck happened to him you’re not

gonna get the straight

story from him

but you don’t make an andy dick

with love and attention and you

know you only

make one of

those with fucking horrible amounts of neglect

yeah yeah unfortunately

it was an evil geppetto that made

andy dick but it’s

funny how it works that way

well you have to have some sort of a fucked up life

to make a really

truly brilliantly

funny person

yeah like everyone that i know joe

yeah well i was

gonna say i usually say that the childhood

background for comedians

is basically the same as porn stars because

those comedians don’t usually have the abs for porn

you of course go against

that rule i fuck up the

whole rule see you

could do porn

you wanted to

too thanks bro really

appreciate that yeah

back when there was

money in and i thought

about it yeah

i know now this

would be my way out of hollywood

just fucking do a porno and make millions

yeah jeff thought

about directing porn really

yeah do you remember the guy on newsradio

i do not remember his name

but he was a writer that also

wrote for porn

do you know i don’t know

season one because i was living in

north hollywood

at the time

and he took me to a set

and it was i remember you telling you jill

kelly and janine yeah we went to a

lesbian shoot and it was

back in the vivid days when they were making a ton of

money because they were selling vhs tapes okay they

weren’t even selling dvds back then yeah

was 94 right so we went to the set and it was so

oddly clinical

and weird and

girl janine who

wound up marrying jesse

james and having

kids with them

that was the woman

and she’d kept

going i love my job

i love my job

and her job is you

know eating

pussy it was just so weird

no wait a minute i

would love that i

would love that job yeah you

think so apparently

causes cancer that’s what just that yeah

if you get cancer

from eating

pussy you’re a pussy

yeah that’s

annoying though but

if i’m gonna get

mouth cancer rather yet from

from from you know looking pussy

from back and

spitting in a cup what they’re also saying now that the

coloring and coca cola

is causing cancer now

yeah they’re thinking

about why do they need to color coke

can it just be

clear and taste like that well

they really give a fuck

what it looks like great

and my favorite

thing is to

drink coca cola out of a pussy

right so i’m fucked now

why do i even get out of bed yeah

it’s over yeah

so so andy dick

stays out of jail somehow or another yeah and yeah

does that pussy cancer thing by the way does that

same on ass or is it just like the pussy i think

i could switch yes because it’s the pamphloma of

a pamphloma that’s in spain

right pimp what’s the name of the

virus papilloma yeah something like that

yeah that virus yeah

is they this that can give you a mouth cancer oh wow

that’s crazy shit dude yeah

i had a wart on my lip

i got a wart on my lip from the comedy store

because the

microphone of the calming storm i

know this is what it’s from from talking to people that

all these different

guys use it because there’s a certain spot

where the microphone

would always

touch my lip i’d always have the

microphone right here on my lip

and all of a sudden i

started getting

this fucking growth on my lip i’m like what is this

and i went to a dermatologist

and they said

it was a wart and they burned a fucking wart off my lip

that’s disgusting

disgusting from the fucking comedy

store thank god it

never came back yeah but

in that spot the

exact spot right here do you take up wipes now

wipes no i should

wipe i know

you know what i really got into probiotics i really

got into probiotics and i eat a lot of acidophilus and

i drink a lot of kombucha

tea yeah and

i started reading

about it that acidophilus is one of the most

aggressive bacterias healthy bacterias

and that it really is an excellent aid and it kills

other bacteria that it comes in contact with so

it literally coats your skin

so it’s on top of your skin so if any

cold bacteria or any

virus bacteria tries to

fuck with you it attacks it

it’s really like having

your own healthy soldiers that live in your body yeah

and when i was not doing that

cause it sounds

gay when you

say it like that

soldiers yeah

in a good way

but when i wasn’t doing it when i was

traveling a lot for the ufc

and for comedy i’m

traveling all the time i was getting sick all the

time yeah and as soon as i really got on the kombucha

tea it killed it i

stopped i stopped getting sick

yeah i should learn to

stomach that stuff

kombucha yeah you don’t like it

it just tastes like vinegar

yeah i think it

tastes good i enjoy it

well remember it was the and he was into kombucha

yeah yeah and they got

me into it yeah then he was also that

weird garlic diet

remember he

would eat them

yeah whole cloves of garlic yeah

and just smell so bad

the weird thing

about andy was he

would do massive amounts of drugs but he

would also take like

every herb known to man yeah

he would have like this

sorting his vitamins all day

it was incredible

it’s such a contradiction you’re so into health and

know and worried

about you know all

these antioxidants that you’re taking in and yeah

fresh wheat grass

juice and all this

but then you’re just doing heroin

yeah it’s like

he was trying to combat

the drugs yeah

very sad that that dude wind up in

a shed somewhere

he was doing comedy for a

while i’d hear

these crazy fucking stories

yeah he was totally

guess we kept getting arrested

yeah pull your

hands down and yeah

we gotta get him on the podcast no

i can’t have andy know

where i live

we can do at my

studio we’ll do it my students okay

yeah we’ll do it at your now and he’s

gonna know where you live man that’s all

right be prepared to

be prepared for that

three am knocking the door let me in

i got ideas i live too far away from hollywood though

you’ll never be able to walk in

i can’t well

it’s just i

guess but my emotional attachment

though to news

radio is that as fucked up as he is

he’ll always i’ll always consider him to be family

yes you know like everyone from news

radio i always consider

to me everyone from news radio’s

you know it’s

family to me

yeah you know

yeah no doubt it’s

it’s it’s a very unusual bond that we all have you know

i steven root called me

a while back for some

party that he was thrown

and i couldn’t make it i was

going out of town

but i was like wow how good is it to talk to this guy

again yeah i feel like sometimes we won’t see each

other for years you know

but it’s like but it

never feels like

but whenever i see anyone from news

radio it doesn’t feel like any time has passed

you know dude you

should fucking

write something man put it together

be the real producer of a show

and get everybody to go together again yeah

even andy maybe

rescue andy

yeah dude news

radio by podcasting

yeah well there was one time we were

we were talking

about doing something we were on the set was when

brian callan played my brother

and we were talking

about doing something and you doing it we actually had

we talked about it’s been over the yeah

the gorelli brothers yeah but we

never wind up doing anything yeah

which is always how

it’s like joey

yes i would like doing

using the i remember with brad

isaacs talking about

using the news radio cast

as like the

mercury theater players you know like a repertory

acting ensemble that you

would just like do like

you know just do like

independent

movies but it

would only be the cast of news

radio and all

these different

movies that

would be cool you know that

would have been a lot of fun we totally

should have done a newsradio

movie though

but it was never like

as i said it really wasn’t

successful we

thought we were

canceled every

season every

season and that’s why we

kept doing season finale

we kept doing serious

finals at the end of

every season

yeah they were they were so

crazy like the space one

yeah we do these the

titanic one we did a

titanic one

yeah the whole episode of the show

took place in a boat

so we were like

underwater at the end

of the dive

i had to dive

underwater and i have a great

i remember i said that i brought my 3d my

stereo cameras to that

i have this

great 3d photo of you

in the break room set that was in the

swimming pool

like with water up to here and that’s the water

spraying past you

this is you trying to fix this

oh that’s a

great really cool

photo oh wow 3d

yeah to me man

can you email to me does it work like

that yeah i can

probably yeah i can probably scan it and you’d have

i could scan it is like to

side by side images

so you went from that you you

start doing the poker show

you know and you did a

try to do a bunch of

pilots and then you decided

recently to

start doing

stand up again

yeah well actually

right after i

got the court rolling

i thought oh

you know i don’t have any you know i’m not

you know i’m not making much

money these days

you know i’m

still making like

a decent living

but but not when you have to

pay 17 000 a

month i’m talking

about a quarter of what i need to earn to be broke um

so i figured well you know

maybe stand up

at least i can go out and you know

and if i can put an act together and

you know if somebody

told me said well if you got some tv if you got if you

got some name

recognition from being on tv you can go out and

do stand up and make money

you know and i said well you know

i guess you can you

said you don’t even have to be good you just you know

people will come

after a little

while people will stop showing up but true

but i thought well all

right well i’ll see if i can

it’d get the word gets out of you

sought quicker

today than it ever has before

screech really couldn’t have pulled it off if he

started out

today yeah yeah

now back in the day yeah we got the tour bit

steve i was

doing pretty good though he’s just got thrown on

stage but i bet he’s

funny yeah it’s

crazy did you

throw yourself

right on stage or did you kind of do like a

i don’t know like

small places

first i’m still doing that now i’m

still like working up the act i’m not like

going out and playing how long you been doing that

just since before christmas

and you told me friday

night when i talked to you that you were

gonna do 40 minutes i did

yeah i did set it

ucb i did i

guess i did almost

fifty minutes wow and

for how long you’ve been doing comedy

since december before christmas yeah so just a few

months yeah a few

months and you did

forty fucking minutes or an hour

almost but forty

did about i

think they said between

forty five and

fifty minutes holy shit dude that’s incredible yeah

so are you just

doing math and writing constantly no it’s

just like i kept just

going down and

doing like doing some sets of

place near my my

apartment and

bunch of other like

these sort of

alternative comedy shows downtown

and just sort of saying well you know

every time i get up i’ll

do like 20 minutes of new

stuff wow wow

so i’ll try and

write 20 minutes of new

stuff for each time i get up

now when you write do

you sit down and go okay

today i’m gonna write

stand up and do you just like go through the newspaper

or do you have some ideas that you’ve already

developed or you already

considered rather

it be kinda like just i i actually

started like make keeping a few notes as i was like

going through the day or also just keeping

ideas in my head for something that i thought might be

funny sometimes

would be something that came up on the news you know

you know it was

weird but i wouldn’t i kind of

decided that i wasn’t

gonna do what i did when i was a kid i was gonna

write stuff out word for word i was just gonna like

have ideas about things that i

areas that i thought were funny

think it through my head

about what what i would want to cover

i’d have some jokes in my head

and i make notes or

point form notes i wouldn’t let myself write

out the jokes in

whole just point form

and to try and keep it from feeling like i was

like reading a monologue

right yeah like doing a theat

doing like you

know i didn’t want it to feel like acting

yeah that is the

trick of comedy

i very rarely

write out jokes in like you

know so the

other day i’m at the zoo

i very rarely do that i mean i’m almost

never every now

and then i do it as a goof like as a practice

like i’ll sit

instead of right just writing

just random

i’ll sit and go okay i’m

gonna try to

write a bit and i’ve done it i’ve done it a few times

but most of the time i just

write i just sit down

and i’ll write for

and a lot of it might be

depressing and

apocalyptic and then it’ll be one

fucking one paragraph

chunk and i’m like holy shit that’s a bit you know

3 000 words or

here’s this one paragraph that i bet that’s a bit

know so do you do you do that do you just

write randomly or do you

write like specific

like how do you like when you sit down to write

it’s i guess

i’m weird because that just

lot of times the

the german fit will be just something that i’ve said

like in conversation all the time you know i did it too

like something

you know something

says man i’ll just like

i’ll go off and i’ll go off

for a few minutes on something and i go that’s funny

yeah i can work that into something and

you just have to remember it

worse is when

you’re in the middle of a conversation like stop

please don’t talk

i’m gonna write this

down before i forget it you know yeah

now i have to pee can i do that

sure yeah can

i get right in there should i

bring this with me no

go right ahead okay just walk

right down there

you guys go

we’re gonna fill the time

brian actually

has recently

started doing

stand up comedy as well and

our fucking feed

froze on ustream

but what else is new

people are constantly complaining about that

you know i don’t

think you stream

is designed for a couple thousand people at a time

right yeah i don’t know what it is

i don’t really know well we have

brian anyway what i was saying

brian fucking killed it this weekend in brea

you hit a new milestone this weekend new

step give me

some new step up and

definitely figured something out the

saturday show on

we were talking

about how interesting it is that he gets this

weird opportunity to do stand up

where he did

stand up a bunch of years ago and

did the bob hope joke

that we’ve all talked

about on the podcast before

if you haven’t

heard the joke he got up in

front of a room full of old people and said do you

think when bob hope died they flew out his body to

entertain all the dead

troops to iraq

you know and

it bombed so bad he stopped doing

stand up for

like five years more than that actually i was thinking

about that the timing i

think was more

because it was when bob hoped i was was like 200

three i don’t remember but then i didn’t get back

until like this

year so well you did a little bit at one

point in time remember i mean i

threw you up in atlanta

you went up oh

right right

right yeah you got a new

girlfriend and you quit

again yeah that was like for like a

month or two i did it

relationships

would get you yeah relationships

would get you and then you just

wouldn’t have the time yeah well

right now i can’t even imagine

being in that same relationship

cause i pretty much do

stand up once or

twice a night now and i

have podcast on top of it like i’ve been up this is my

second podcast

today i have another one

right after this you seem so much happier too

but not just

yeah not just

being out of the relationship but

you’re getting a chance to express yourself

now in a way that you didn’t get a chance to do before

back then all you

could do is make your

funny videos

right that’s what

and that you know

making those videos

to killed me

i mean that

sitting in front of by yourself editing for

you know till five in the morning every

night just and then you did that all week that that’s

as creative as that is it’s such a slow process

and it makes you just

like i was not talking to anybody i think

part of the problem is that you’re a real

perfectionist you know we just took like some of these

things and edit them together sort of like the way dana

white guy does it for his

video blogs

like we should put a

video together of something like i

don’t know if you saw on twitter i put up

on twitter i put a tweet

video of you going on

stage last night

i think we just need to keep on doing that shit

you know what i

mean at all

i’ll find it and i’ll retweet

it yeah we need to do more videos

when i originally hired

brian that’s what his job was right

a video guy yeah

podcast co host

slash stand up comedian

we’re getting more listeners with podcasts than the

videos way more

but i think you have an immense

talent when it comes to editing

video that you know i mean just not being served

brian has actually

just started doing

stand up himself

he did it a long time ago and took a

bunch of years off and then

got back into it again so

you know that’s why i thought this

subject is very fascinating to me that the

starting of the routine

do you feel comfortable on stage yeah

as i said it’s

weird because

i took 30 years off

doing stand up

you know how

and it is feeling comfortable because

i know in the past when i’ve liked done hosting gigs

i’ve always felt a little phony

you know right

like i’m like i’m

impersonating someone doing

stand up yeah

and so i think coming at it with a looser format

like going on

stage and just

trusting myself to have

areas that i want to go into and

trusting myself to be funny

uh is has been fun

you know it’s been fun

to go up and like find out what the bits are on stage

yeah in a lot of ways

yeah and that is the

thing about

stand up is like there’s a totally different

thing when it’s in

front of a live audience and you’re trying to get

laughs and your

voice is amplified

and they’re all there you feel

their energy looking

at you and you know different synapses fire yeah

well if you were in a social setting

and someone talked for 45 minutes straight without

letting anyone else talk you

would just think even no matter how

entertaining they were

you’d be like what an asshole

you know i talk

about this on

stage it’s the most

ridiculous i say that

stand up is the most

ridiculous job you

could ever want to have i

wanna be the only one who talks for an hour

and i wanna have my

voice amplified way

above everyone else’s and i

wanna be lit

yeah it would be well lit

while everyone else is in the dark

it’s also weird just

cause like growing

up i was always the person trying to make everyone

laugh though i was like

the you know

that was what i love doing is trying to make people

laugh like in my high

school and middle

school and stuff like that so i kind of see like

class clown

comedian type

thing i see that also it’s not

where it’s not like trying to

take over everybody and be on a

microphone stand you’re just trying to make people

happy there’s

most certainly a

bunch of different types of people that become

stand up comedians you know there’s

you know i mean to say that it always comes from one

place that’s not really true like yeah

i had felt it

just never comes from a good

place no exactly

because you

never a huge

vista of bad

places i had always

felt like for a long time like there was something

about me that wasn’t legitimate

that i wasn’t a

legitimate comic

because i wasn’t

the same guy as everybody else i wasn’t

afraid of people i

grew up doing martial arts and fighting

and i went from

fighting you know

to stand up and then it was like this weird

thing like i’m

what am i this weird jock

thing that’s doing comic

who the fuck am i

what is but

it doesn’t just life has to suck

and then you have to make

funny out of the suck

you know your life

could suck in all kinds of

weird ways you know

like joe pete johansson’s life suck was

his father used to beat the fuck out of him you know

and everybody’s as different mine was you know being

abandoned by my father you know everybody does have

their own little

weird thing that you’re trying to make up for with that

exorbitant amount of attention you request on stage

you know yeah

but if you don’t do if you don’t have some fucking

weird need you

never really get there

you know i don’t know anyone

i mean it’s

and i shouldn’t

say this because of course it’s possible

for someone to be a

great comedian with a happy

childhood it must be

i mean if you’re just really

smart and figure it out

but i’ve never met that i just don’t know um

yeah today’s my name

my childhood is pretty good

i mean my biggest problem is bullies and just

shit like that

but even that

is a big issue

family wise yeah dude that’s the

only reason why i got into martial arts i didn’t get

into martial arts because i wanted to risk my fucking

brain cells and go out there i was terrified of

other kids i

moved around a lot when i was a kid and we

moved everywhere

basically every

three years we move to a new place yeah

i did that too yeah

that’s another

thing i mean

you don’t have a stability

you don’t feel

stable so you feel this need to

express yourself exorbitantly you know you have to

you know get more attention than you deserve you know

yeah i had a

drunk dad who

was also diagnosed as borderline personality disorder

jesus yeah fuck

dude i found that

when my wife has play with

that told my mom

well she’s been

diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

mom goes oh that’s what they said your dad had

oh my god really must

so you breach all

these subjects on stage

yeah yeah yeah

i’d say it’s probably

about maybe 25

of it’s like about

my personal life and

stuff another

and then maybe more

maybe maybe 35

if you’re free

and then the rest is about

you know life

about life yeah

that other thing your free wednesday

night and you want to go up to

at the joe show we have oh yeah we’re doing this

thing at sal’s comedy hole

we’re doing it pretty much

every wednesday night in

hollywood it’s a really tiny club this

great guy owns

he’s this guy

he owned a club in new york and then he

opened up a

small one in la

and it got closed down

cause he didn’t have a liquor license

so now he’s got a new one on melrose and

there’s a bakery

behind it and he owns that as well and they’re gonna

close that down and

it’s gonna be a huge

place so right now it’s only like uh

ninety eighty

or ninety six

yeah fucking

great place it’s

right on melrose like

now rose and fuller

so i love you

wanna do that yeah it’s fun it’s

fun i’m doing

yeah are you getting um news

radio fans like what kind of

what kind of people do you guys

well it’s been like yeah it’s been like uh

i mean a lot of this well

most of the sets i’ve done i’ve done unannounced

so far except for

these sets i’ve done at

ucb and when you did that ucb

what was that one the

ocb i guess it was

a lot of kids in the hall news radio fans

definitely that you know they know all

about the show

that must be great a

great environment to like what we were saying

about brian is

brian people know him from the podcast now

so even when he went upstage in

brea this weekend they all

cheer and went

crazy for him

so it’s like even though you’re learning

they like you it’s

good to have that yeah it’s good to have that welcome

yeah i’m cheating yeah

cheat code yeah

it’s definitely good you’re in god mode

you know but

again you know but then

again that last that buys you

about thirty seconds

right it’s true yeah it’s true when i was

on fear factor i

would dread

meeting fear factor fans but always be

happy when someone said they love news radio

yeah yeah it’s like you know

i hate you and your prostitution gig but

you were awesome when you were doing that

other thing no

fear fact it was always just

funny to me because it was all the way through news

radio you always said

next gig i do is just

called joe gets paid i don’t give a fuck what it is

it’s just me blowing it dude i don’t give a fuck

as long as it’s just joe gets paid

i was recruiting everyone i was like yeah

we’re just gonna

drink coffee

and we’re just

gonna run the cameras and it’s

gonna be called joe gets paid

yeah yeah just

ridiculous it really

wound up happening it’s like the secret man

i manifested it

you sent the message out to the universe i did

dude i believe in that man

yeah i believe you can do that

did you have any

experience with people who were hooked on the

secret do you remember when i

became a huge

yeah and not so much it was like

i remember mostly i remember it was like

my well my ex wife chrissy

she went she was like wanted to see the the film and i

said well all right but it’s

and people talk you know people talk about the

well it’s scientific

and i’d have

there’s nothing fucking scientific about it

it’s complete bullshit it’s like

it’s like rodney allen

rippy fucking

power positive thinking bullshit it’s like

you know and it’s like if you really think that so

yeah so every

child dies of starvation

just wasn’t putting out enough positive energy

you know i had an argument with a friend of mine

that was so

into it so into it i go okay you ready for this

babies die in drive bys

what’s going on there yeah are they manifesting the

wrong reality that’s one

they’re not

sending a positive energy to the universe they’re

not they’re not you know what they’re not really

thinking about what they want out of life

it’s so ridiculous and so culty but the fascinating

thing is you know that

it’s confirmation bias like you’re

only looking at what you what what supports your case

yeah and there’s a bunch of people that are

successful and they’re saying well

i envisioned it and that’s how i became

successful yeah

we’re the fucking people

that envisioned it and they’re poor as shit right now

and they’re

going i don’t get it what’s happening it’s like

you’re only

using the people that are

successful yeah

you got to show me a dude who’s fucking starving

and then you

apply it to him and then he goes out in the

world and then you come back

in 15 years and go okay well look the guys are

successful and

you got to show me at

least a thousand

people more yeah you

got if you take a hundred you got to have at

least more than 50 of them

yeah succeed

for it to be

you know statistically meaning one out of a thousand

you know and that one is wants to let you know the

secret that it’s all simple

you just gotta

think positive

it’s like any religion

you know it’s like any religion

where people want to believe

that they can do something

that will give them

power over the rest of

creation yeah

you know the rest of creation is

gonna somehow fall into line with

their wishes

because they prayed to god

or they sent out positive energy

you know i think it’s fascinating

though and it’s very unfortunate that this craze

is so discredited and so

the place where they’re coming from is so illogical

because the concept of

thinking healthy

and positive is very important for formulating

a good life for

figuring out

how to be connected to the

right kind of people and how to send the

right kind of energy out

so that you you foster

healthy relationships and

what you’re doing and

pursuing in life is something that you get

motivation out

of or rather that you get satisfaction out of

yeah i’m feeling

yeah having a positive outlook

is healthy it

is better for you

you know i mean you know

jesus i mean

i think living with my

first wife you know

it was just negative

about everything

everything was negative

it is horrible for you yes

and i’ve been there i’ve been

there many times in relationships and in friendships

i’ve had friendships

where the people were negative and you’re like

you get away from them it’s like you’re

catching your breath you’re like

what is this person doing to me they’re fucking they’re

draining me they’re doing something to me

so it’s definitely positive

yeah being positive that part is

great yeah and

there is science

behind that yes they’re keeping a positive attitude

keeps you healthier keeps your immune

system functioning better

i’ve seen it i’ve seen positive and negative

thinking during a dmt trip

i had a during a

psychedelic trip i had this

weird moment

where i was

thinking all

these negative

things because

psychedelic

trips are just so out of control they’re so beyond

bizarre and they’re so

incredibly like

like self examinatory

if that’s not even a word but you know you’re so

introspective you’re looking at

so many different

aspects of your life like at a million

miles an hour that

you can you can get like

a negative thought and they can blow away and that’s

where bad trips come from

yeah so in the middle of this negative thought this

i saw this dmt is a very visionary

psychedelic

experience and you have a

weird black

dark fucking

nasty dark green and dark

black patterns and

colors and then

in the middle of it i realized

what i was doing i realized that i was being negative

and i took a deep breath and i let go and

i became positive decided to

think positive and

it blossomed like flowers in

front of me and

the colors changed

and they all became bright and beautiful

and vibrant

and it became

light and the patterns became beautiful

and i was like wow this is like a lesson i’m

learning from a

psychedelic

experience about

the real physical manifestation of negative

and positive thoughts that they actually have a real

effect well

fact they said

that if you just

force yourself to smile

you can reduce

depression yeah

like your depression will fade a little not

all the way if you’re really depressed but if you can

force yourself to smile

yeah i really like put on a big demo like

you just keep it there long enough

it’ll help your

brain reacts as though you’re happy

yeah your brain

starts to release the same chemicals it

would if you were actually

happy it’s amazing

and it’s like so it’s like you know

the mind body

connection is true it really is real

what we are is the most fascinating organic

computer that’s ever been created

and we don’t have a fucking single book

on how to use the operating

system correctly

just the bible joe just the

bible yes i mean

we are all we are all raised by people who are

completely clueless as to how to

raise someone

i mean almost

every one of us

yeah and so we develop and you can get in

these patterns of

thinking that your parents have you know it’s like

you know if you grow up around like

mrs rogan has a very negative parents

especially her mom her mom had a very hard life

and her mom is one of

those that you can’t tell her a good

thing well this is just

gonna happen it’s just gonna fall

apart and what happens here

and then what happens there

and you know

and jessica

whoops her name

has managed to avoid it

but for the most part it’s

it’s like if you if you develop in a family a

household that a

bunch of negative

motherfuckers

like that shit can

it becomes like a

like a path that you get on it becomes a

track you know

you’re on this

track i grew up in family

where everyone else might like

actually my

older brother’s not

that way but the rest of my family they’re always like

well whatever you do the

system’s gonna get you

you know it’s like it’s

stacked against you this you can’t win

you know like

that’s you know i

think part of that is my

mother was working

class english

and that’s way that

you know all working

class english

are raised you know

so you know well

try what you

will but you really can’t get away from it you know

it’s all stacked

against you so

goddamn difficult to manufacture an awesome environment

you know it’s been one of my main

focuses as a

grown up as an adult

is to try to manufacture

the most positive

atmosphere possible both

in work and friendships and relationships and

everything that i do

try to like

steer it towards the most positive

place possible

you know and so you can your life

can be really fucking awesome if you do that correctly

and it can suck real bad if you don’t

yeah yeah you know but the secret

not too much is

bullshit well it

sounds i mean i

believe that

anything that makes you feel like you have

any control over your destiny is an illusion because

you know people

think well i you know i make good choices so good

things happen

and i go well that’s

still just pure luck because

every single day you are tied up in a

chain reaction of millions

of choices that are being made all around you every day

and all it has to be is one of

those choices be

someone wants to

shoot you in the head

right and that’s the choice that’s

gonna shape your destiny

yeah so and any day that someone doesn’t

shoot you in the head

you know it’s just luck

or a guy with a vest wants to blow up a cafe

where you’re writing your novel yeah

or somebody

sneezes while dry

thing and goes over the

curve yeah or texas

slams into you and you die

yeah for sure yeah i’ve

been considering this idea over the last few years

especially that the entire

life that we

live is sort of like a mathematical program

it’s like this

giant algorithm that’s

far too complex

for us to really wrap our heads around it

but that all

these different motions and all these

emotions and actions and all

these different

things and circumstances

they’re actually

really like integers that it’s already

a part of something that’s creating

something else it’s like information theory yeah

yeah it was the idea

that the universe is nothing but information it’s just

that the universe the entire universe is just

an information storage device

it makes sense i mean

when you look at the direction that

humanity is in is another

thing that’s

absolutely fascinating to me i’m

completely fascinated with the idea of the singularity

and with the idea of you know i mean even

the idea of end times

the idea of an

apocalyptic scenario you know

you look at like what

human beings are doing i equate

human beings to being some

weird sort of a caterpillar

that doesn’t know it’s

gonna turn into a butterfly

so we are absolutely obsessed with the newest

greatest technological

innovations and

eventually that’s

pushing to a certain direction and that direction is

some sort of a redefinition of life as we know it

yeah i think i was thought that eventually the

earth itself

would develop its own consciousness if it

doesn’t already have you know

yeah it may already there’s actually a theory called

the theory of the noosphere

which is that the

earth is enveloped in a

just like the stratosphere that there’s a noosphere

which is a sphere of knowledge

of information

and that this noosphere

exists around the

earth and that

people can tap into it

yeah well not even

just around the

earth that it’s a dimension around you all the time yes

the idea of the

muse is that what you’re really doing when

you’re being

completely creative is that you are just an antenna

to pull in all this information that’s what

tesla had said

tesla who’s

the greatest inventor ever

was believed that he was receiving signals from

other life forms that were

giving him this information and now of course the weird

thing is that

physicists are

starting to toy with

these ideas yeah

the idea of

entanglement and the idea of

sure the idea

of consciousness being non local

yeah you know

that your entire body is actually a sort of some

weird sort of an antenna

and that you know the hormones and

you know adrenaline and all

these different

things and you run

all the biological instincts

that are there to keep the physical body alive

are no it’s no more than like maintenance

cycles that you have to run on a bmw yeah

well there’s a lot have you read

about the princeton did this huge

multi year study of

mine machine interface

no but basically that attention affects machines

and they did

these studies where

they used a

random number generator oh okay i did hear

about those yeah and they just

had a random number generator and they had people just

focus not anything specific just

focus on the machine itself

the more and the more people

focused on the machine

the less random the machine became it became really

started having non

random patterns

human consciousness is something we

completely don’t

understand there’s there’s there’s

there’s energy that comes out of people sometimes

that is absolutely

tangible we just don’t have a device to measure it well

the other thing they did they set up

these random number

generators all around the world

and so they set them all around the

world and then just coincidentally

9 11 happened

because they had a theory that if

large numbers of people were

thinking about the same event

that that would have a larger impact on

these machines

and they found

the correlation they found that

at the time of 9 11

when you know the

towers fell

these machines all around the

world started

generating non

random sequences of numbers

wow and what does that mean just that

they don’t really

the only know is this is like the men that

their attention

is that just the

effect of everyone

paying attention to the same event

affected these machines

okay so what you’re saying is that all

these people were supposed to be

paying attention to the machines and then the event

of 9 11 happened and because it was such a huge event

all these people were

focusing on that and then the numbers

stopped being

random the event

yeah just all the fact that people were all

focused on the same event

affected these machines

wow it’s crazy

yeah that’s a fascinating shit yeah and they

found it the same

thing they actually also

found out that

in canada was in canada the

prime minister

trudeau’s funeral

from canada

that when his son was giving the eulogy that there was

an effect cause

you had almost

every single person in canada

listening to the

speech you know

you know the idea

is really fascinating to me

you’re familiar with

ray kurzweil

do you know that yeah

yeah similarities near

you know he’s

the number one proponent of the

idea of the intelligent computer eventually taking over

yeah and that’s what he

deems a singularity to be and what he

thinks is that

what immortality is

gonna be is you’re

gonna be able to download your

consciousness into some sort of a computer yeah and

you know it

sounds completely ridiculous

until you start

thinking about the

what the fuck

is consciousness and what if they can recreate it

you know what if you can recreate

and create an artificial version

of consciousness

down to the

point of it being non

local down to the

point of this

computer that you’ve created being

an antenna to tune in

this new sort of consciousness yeah

well it was

i remember once

they were talking about

that if computers continue to advance to the

right they’re doing i don’t

know if it was chris well

it puts forward to it the idea that

that eventually they’ll be a computer

powerful enough to have

stored in its memory banks

every single event

that has occurred

since the big bang

which mean like

every event in

every human being’s life every

every interaction of matter

throughout the universe

could be stored on a single computer

and could be

extrapolated

based on the current events and

and he said that the program itself

would not be able to distinguish itself

from the original

wow so each of us

would be programmed into this computer’s memory bank

and the program

of us would not be able to distinguish itself

from the original

which means that

right now we

might already be that program

a billion years in the future

so we may very well be some sort of a parallel

reality but we

may have lived our actual

carbon based life

a billion years ago

and right now we

might just be

the computer program being run a billion years later

whoa what a mind fuck

i saw a trip yeah

i saw a glitch in the

matrix the other day and this is kind of like this

i was outside and it was the moon and there was

these clouds

going over it

after a rainstorm right

and have you ever seen like on

satellite tv

where darker

scenes like

blacks and grays they’re not just

black or gray that’s kind of like

blocky like boxes

i was looking at that

and it was doing that

and i’m like

why am i seeing blocky

your eyes are programmed

to see that i don’t know yeah

do i see so much computer and tv that i

was doing but it was really like i was staring at going

there’s no reason

those are squares

those are blocks

like the shadowing was off

and i’m thinking wait a

second this

is some kind of glitch my friend

my friend duncan hit me with the

ultimate mind fuck once and that is the theory that you

that your life like as the

world gets more

and more fucked up and more more chaotic and you worry

about the future of the world

that’s really your own mortality that you’re

tripping on that you have created this entire

universe around you

and even though

it seems real because there’s a

bunch of people in your life that also seem real

they exist in your

dream as much as you exist in

theirs and it’s all some sort of a

symbiotic connection

but that you live and are reborn constantly and then

every time something happens to you whether it’s some

sort of a fucking

car accident

some you die in a

building collapse anything that happens

you immediately

forget on forget it and you are

transported into another situation

where you already have this life going on

and you just step in

and just keep

going and then it never ends

and there is no death

and it’s just a constant cycle

until you get your shit together

until you completely and totally evolve and

and that this illusion

that you’ve been around for

you know 40 years or 50 years it’s all nonsense

you’ve been around forever

you’ve been around forever that’s the old soul

notion yeah

we have a very

limited amount of memories that we can access

about this life that we’re pretty sure happened

yeah you know

yeah and none of them that we can

access during the sleep time

just imagine if someone came up with a drug

that would allow you to remember your

sleep and details

remember your

dreams in absolute i

wouldn’t want to see half the

show i went

fucking all

ari was talking

today how he had a

dream the other day

about having sex with his

sister and i’m like oh

see that’s the kind

of shit i don’t want to even know that i’m dreaming

about you know yeah

did he say it was good yeah

he said it came a couple of times

nice so dave if anybody wants to go see you perform

where can they how

can they get a hold of you i know your twitter is dave

s foley f o l e y

yeah and how can

they get a hold of you do you have a website no i don’t

well i’ve got facebook but that’s kind of useless we’re

gonna have to get a day

fully website if you’re

gonna do stand up

right now just the twitter and

and so the plan is to

do some gigs put together

a set and then

go touring and then yeah and then actually

start playing actual comedy clubs

are you ready i mean do you felt like you did this

thing the other

night how it had to go

it went well it was like

i underestimated

the amount of

stuff that i had in my notes

so i was like

about 15 minutes shy

when i got you know then i went all

right and so i

just sort of pulled out some

other stuff

i was working on okay

but i had like notes

that i hadn’t timed out so i decided

well i think this is gonna be

about 45 minutes of

stuff right in

these notes it turned out to be half an hour

yeah yeah and

so then i had to

quickly just

grab another bit that i hadn’t

planned to do as well as i

could remember it

and then improvise a little did you record your set

yeah yeah so

your main motivation

initially was just financial

but now you’re

enjoying it

yeah i’m enjoying it it feels good to

i’ve never been a person

who really craves performing

you know you know i can

enjoy it but i

never like i

never get this

thing oh i got to be on stage

but i’ve been yeah it’s been really fun

especially because it’s been such a dark horrible

year and a half this past year and a half

fuck is you know it’s amazing you saying that because

it was dark and horrible when i knew you in ninety four

and this is

yeah and that

was nothing like this last year and a half has been the

worst year and a half of my life

fuck like really i’m

you know it’s you know it’s it’s i’m

not exactly

gonna say i

if i hadn’t gotten through it i

wouldn’t have been surprised you know

wow you know

it was that so you thought

about oh yeah suicide

oh tons tons times

fuck most of the time

you know well you have my number now yeah

don’t do that oh no i wouldn’t

why couldn’t do it you know the main

thing was and it wasn’t even

like not like

i’m gonna prevent

your suicide

what a ridiculous

you have my number now we

have no more concerns yeah

but really i mean

i have a eight year old daughter

seven year old

daughter she’ll be

eight soon right

is that gun and is that

thing i’ve gone

hurt her so badly oh god

you know and that was that was the only

thing you know my

teenagers i figured they really

wouldn’t care too much

you know do you

do you exercise at all

huh do you exercise obviously not well

i’m gonna start

yeah yeah yeah

well actually

cause i just

you know now i’m actually feeling pretty good

stand up is making me feel better

sure like so

so huge rush

you know and

great just being on

stage and being

funny remembering

the reason i

started doing this the reason that i like doing it is

that it’s fun

it’s fun and it’s you’re creating positive energy and

a positive environment you’re giving someone something

and you’re changing their

state yes and i just booked a

pilot which

is nice nice with a show called how to be a gentleman

nice which is

a good script and

funny and so obviously

the secret does work

i put out some positive energy

and now i gotta show well

maintaining your body is so important your body can

trick you and

your body can

betray you whenever there’s times of stress

all those chemicals

they think you’re

gonna have to

fight off a cheetah or something

you know what i mean

your chemicals

don’t realize that oh you’re just dealing with a

legal entanglement so it’s

like and i’ve

spent most of my life

going okay buddy can you take this you know

if i neglect you and

abuse you this way yeah right

so what do you plan

on doing like yoga or something like that what do you

what’s the idea for working out

just getting on

getting on an exercise like

i actually joined the gym i

haven’t been

you know but i actually have joined like you know

a gym downtown

iphones make

it so fucking fascinating it makes it so much better

put on a podcast and

know a lot of people listen to this podcast

there’s probably

people ironically at the gym struggling through it

right now listening to you

on their iphone i know there are then i’m

sorry about the middle part of this conversation

that helps to

pump harder

i get probably

listen man other people’s trauma

and struggles it’s

beneficial you can

learn from that

yeah you can

learn a lot of

stuff just drink a lot like i did

and hide it

you don’t go through

nothing man

you have a couple fucking cats and a dog you have no

entanglements you have no worries

i’m a single mom what are you talking

about i have to fucking take my

last night i got

pretty drunk and i

had to wake up at 8 am to let my dog out and sit

there with the

worst hangar i felt like puking

and go back to bed

for a while

baby this motherfucker took malaria

medication and went to morocco no

i’m saying i’m saying

like it’s like i’m a full time single mom man

it’s fucking

annoying that’s you’re a

little baby

and you need

to join the marines

you’re a baby and you need to join the fucking marines

right you need to

learn some discipline

yeah i got up at 8 am and i had

to open the

doors my dog can pee

yeah that’s set up there anyone

anyone yeah

no having pets

it really is nothing like having children yeah it is

absolutely nothing like i leave my

dogs outside all the time i don’t give a fuck

you can’t leave that

kid anywhere

no that’s the thing you

learn when you do have kids is like you know

you really realize oh my pets

i love them

but they’re disposable they can die

they can die now and

and i’ll feel bad for a day

you know for that you know

at least it wasn’t me

yeah you know

at least it wasn’t

me or my family yeah but it’s amazing when i see women

just suppressing

that maternal instinct with children but they have a

bunch of fucking cats or dogs or something

like that yeah they

are my children no they aren’t your children they don’t

they have a

flashlight too

yes bitch yeah

we’re out of trouble

you’re talking about

yeah if you lie

still too long they’ll eat you yeah so

if people want to get a hold of you

davis foley

on twitter and you will be updating people as to

where they could see you doing

stand up yes yeah

how often are you

gonna be doing this um

i’m i’m getting

out getting at

least a cup a couple times a week

i’m gonna be doing more come wednesday

getting it more i’d like to do the ones yeah you want

to come with

the fun it’s really supportive

crowd because i’m

gonna do set

i’m doing doug benson show his

doug benson loves movies

oh yeah i’ve done that

before that’s

great yeah i’m doing that tomorrow and then

after that i’m

going out to do a set but i can’t remember

where see that’s

wednesday doug’s

gonna be doing it too

so yeah doug does it all

the time and of course yeah so come by

if you can and anyway

listen i just want to tell you

i’ve worked with a lot of people over my life

over the course

of my life and you were one of my favorite

human beings that i’ve ever met

working with you was a huge pleasure

and i really don’t

think that you get nearly

as much credit as you deserve for newsradio i don’t

think it would have ever been what it was without you

i when i say that you were responsible for half of what

happened on that show i’m not exaggerating i know you

think you i am

but you just don’t remember

you know we were the

secret producer of news

radio you know

and you’re just a brilliant guy and i’m glad you

came on the

you know i love you very much you know

you know so it’s

great to see you you know

you know this is fun

do you love

brian do you love

brian not yet

not yet but i’m willing to i’m willing

to love brian

willing to try we can hate

women together

and i love he

doesn’t hate

women dude i

love a couple of them couple

crazy ones and he hates

their disease

he doesn’t hate them yeah

all right and

thanks to the

flashlight for

sponsoring the podcast if you go to joebrogan

net and click the link

that’s up there you can

enter in the code name brogan you get 15

off we offered to

counts on our sex toys bro that is

great that’s how we rob it

it won’t cost you

money for the rest of your life it also

keeps people from taking this podcast too seriously no

if we offer up any controversial

revolutionary

ideas like yeah they’re sponsored by a rubber pussy

so this weekend

actually i got two shows in

australia at

rudy hill the rsl club

and the first one sold out the

second one i

still think there’s a few

tickets that available so

you australian freaks

get on that shit and then

next week next wednesday we’ll be back at sales

again and gonna

have another podcast this week probably tomorrow but it

might be wednesday

and i’ll keep you bitches informed

so thank you everybody for

tuning in and

thank you for everybody for coming out to brea

this weekend we had a

great fucking time

and that’s it

thank you dave foley

thank you everybody thank you

thank you all you bitches at home love you kisses

the joe rogan experience