what the fuck Andy Dick I brought my pussy

ladies and gentlemen Andy Dick has joined us

thank you so

excited god damn people the anticipation the build up

it’s not my

pussy it’s the guy it’s the guy that lives at

it’s a cat well it’s Pussycat it’s

the guy it’s this guy right here and he has to go there

right away just to make everybody feel comfortable

to go to some dark place put them at

ease here’s my pussy

immediately put everybody on edge whoa

I put him at

ease I feel like that puts him at ease

talking about your pussy

yeah or just being

just being good old Andy

it’s me good old Antid

it’s good to see you man I

haven’t seen

you in forever it’s been years well I ran into you at

improv right

no I think I

Well maybe I don’t remember that

maybe I was

drinking I remember running into you at

can’t I’m Not Cancers

jerry’s Telly

oh yeah yeah

I know was that you know

your girlfriend

no we ran into the I ran into you there with and you

were a couple of years ago

yeah you were with your

I guess now why

yeah yeah yeah

and then I ran into you I

think more recently though was the improv

because there’s a

picture of it on my website yeah then you take a

picture yeah I have a

picture too yeah

yeah Dave Foley

on that’s the pot that’s the flashlight

oh it’s a flashlight

flashlight that’s

think something you fuck

are you serious wow you skeeved out Andy dick

sober andy’s a totally different animal

to show it to him open now

so I’m not yes so I shouldn’t

oh so I touch it here after one

no the vaporizer right here

behind the flashlight

good for you it’s a good night light

I am completely sober right now just so you know I know

can you tell

for how long

you know it’s only been

I think it’s creeping up on 3 months now

which is but that’s a long even a week for me

no but not in that way but

after a week I feel great

then another week I feel better and

how long has it been since you’ve like cut

everything out

even just for a day or 2

I do it all the time yeah you just

smoke all the time no no no no not something I mean

oh you stop

all the time

need to yeah I don’t sometimes I don’t

smoke pot for a week or week or 2

oh okay especially I’m not performing

I’m not performing and I’m not writing mm hmm

sometimes I just don’t feel the need to know

I use it as a tool

like I use weed especially

that’s what I was trying to tell you that

in the news radio

dance but you were giving off

mixed signals fella you were

well you were given off very very very

strong signals that were right on the money

you would just

scream in front of network executives

you fucking freak you’re high right now

when you call me little

problems because we would try to do a

scene and we couldn’t do the scene because Andy

literally couldn’t do it

because I was sorry

oh what are we doing here and you

would just like Andy we have to go home okay we’ve

been here all day rehearsing we got to do this fucking

scene in your

take to the

gills to the gills

we would have fun and you know I

would improvise a lot

and now you see now

it’s fun but

you can’t get high and do rehearsals

that’s the problem

you can’t get high when you’re waiting on

other people

yeah you can I don’t know

we’ll talk about that

well I mean I

think it’s just

it’s disrespectful to the people you’re working with

well you’re high

right now and you’re working with me but not the same

thing because I’m not doing something

where I have to remember and recall

things and do

things in a certain order

I always I was always good I

could always remember my lines and I was always

right I was really

professionally

I don’t know if you remember well sometimes you weren’t

and a lot of times

you and Paul Sims would

would call me out

when I wasn’t high right

that’s possible I know like

right now my

energy is so high

I got what just

crying wolf

exactly it is like that

I got sober

these these Twitter followers

calling saying I’m on cocaine right now

you know Charlie Sheen

what do you think Charlie Sheen is doing right now

what is he doing is he just drinking

or is he doing drugs I

well after some of I saw the one

where I didn’t see the machete

thing what happened with them I don’t know

about the machete

thing I saw the

photo but I’ve been watching the you stream

I fucking machete in his hand like what is going

it’s the weirdest

train wreck ever the most unexpected

I love off the tracks into the woods

do you think he’s okay

no no no I thought but he’s my favorite person in the

world right now

because no matter how fucked up

your life is you look at Charlie she and you go I’m all

right finally

somebody is

overshadowing me

and it actually helped me get completely

stone cold so I was already sober when it

started happening

just like a

month or maybe a few weeks and it

started happening

and it’s almost like god shoving

me into my face like a

mirror into my face

because you know

I I’ve never gotten that

because I don’t really smoke

crack and I don’t do I just

drink beer and I drink wine

by the way this morning

and the reason I’m late and it really was me I was late

my and I didn’t tell you that I made it

I did tell you

my assistant showed up

walked into my

kitchen I’m like here let me get you some

water are you hungry I’ll cook you some eggs

and then I hear a boom

and I turn around

and he’s halfway onto the counter

oh my God he’s like

fainting he’s

light headed

I really need to feed this guy but then boom

right onto the

floor head first

split his head open

blood gushing all over puddling up

on my ex’s kitchen

floor in the main

house right you know I’m not

I don’t live

there I live in the shed in the back you know my whole

story right

sort of okay well we’ll get into it but

so blood and he’s flopping around like a fish on the

floor of a god of and

him and it’s just me and him

thank God the kids

weren’t there there’s 4 kids

thank God Lena wasn’t there they

would have been

even when I just recreated the

story for Lena

later that she’s the one that lives in the

in the main

house and owns it

but you know I’ve

I pay for it but

you’re welcome but any

and the poor kids

only 2 were mine

but anyways

the thing is is that

just me telling her the

story she started crying wow she was crying

and I didn’t know what to do

but I had the foresight to grab a

paper towel

thing shove it

under his head so he

wouldn’t keep boom boom

boom and he was

his eyes rolled back oh my God

and what is called 9 one one

and I had my finger down his

throat so I

wouldn’t swallow his tongue

oh my God you’ve

heard that yeah

and the right away

don’t put anything in his mouth

what okay okay

and we went on for like

3 minutes I’m like this guy’s

gonna die right here

and I got it I

gotta go on joe’s

so you just left him right no

I waited the paramedics came and

and they say it’s

gonna be fine he’s in the hospital right now as we

speak he’s in the hospital so is it an epileptic

seizure is that what it is

you know what it is and this is the honest to god’s

truth he I made him

I said you can’t work for me anymore

because we used to

drink together he was at

the porn awards with me

and that was pretty much one of the last times

the wheels came off I went nuts

there Charlie Sheen was there how long

ago was this

like 3 months ago thank

God and that’s why they did a hair test and you know

minimal traces

of cocaine showed up because this goes back in 08:54

months right

but I wanted to

prove that I was

completely clean for at

least a couple

weeks so I did the

urine test completely

clean of all drugs you know this is on

Rumorfix com

oh yeah I didn’t know that

they yeah I wanted to do it I said

because these

pictures came up of me doing cocaine I went

those are old

pictures they’re putting them up and

they’re trying to pretend like it’s happening right now

I can’t continue

to be silent

about it cause whenever

shit comes up

I’m like whatever it’ll blow over

but I don’t and I

never try to defend myself well you have done so many

things though that for

people that are just speculating

know as to you I mean also enough

to do is bring them a

photo and boom it’s a

story it’s a

man and they

think it’s happening that

day well they of

course they

would though

you you understand how they

would it’s not a

grand conspiracy I know

you’re right

so what is it like to be the

guy that they call when someone fucking hits the wall

cause you’re the guy man

when Charlie

Sheen hit the wall someone to get Andy Dick on the line

we’re here it’s Nancy

Grace we have Andy Dick

we have stopped our

coverage on dead

babies in Florida

so that we can concentrate on Andy

dan there has been

we have found the

clones of a 2 year old but that

that’s coming

land and Dick

is in the studio

if there’s a dead baby in Florida

Nancy you’ll find on it

she’s on that story

I wonder if she

does babies to make

to make a TV show

she doesn’t like me she’s

white trash people meth

she’s horrible

well she’s just an

angry bro she’s a

bitchy little she

doesn’t seem like a pleasure filled

happy fun person

no and her subject matter is so goddamn dark

well show it’s dead

babies yeah or she talked

about me once when

the incident went down what did she say in at the

buffalo Wild Wings out buffalo

Wild Columbus

Ohio imagine hey that’s you’re there with your family

Andy Dick is

drinking on the bar with his

penis out in

front of children

that’s not what happened what happened is

I was drinking a lot

and this is in Temecula

not clean oh

that’s a whole

Columbus was you get

arrested for

drinking and

Temecula and you’re not an Indian

you’ve done some

crazy shit I was with an Indian

I swear to God

my drummer is an Indian American and

driving up here and a guy had a

motorcycle on he had a jacket and it said

sober Indian on the back of his jacket they’re rare

should have

taken a picture of that

they love the firewater well

it’s unfortunate

that it just isn’t

really supposedly this is how it goes but without being

too ignorant

it’s not in their DNA

because they didn’t really

drink it until

white men can

yeah like Asians yeah

like when they can’t metabolize the

alcohol right when

Asians drink they turn they get

flushed up and

I read around a lot of fucking

drunk Asians

they get fucks but I

run around drunk

white people

drunk black people

that’s why they do some people get fucked

I’ve been fucked up

we’ve all been do you don’t

drink fuck I

guess I do I

do I do shows and I

had like 15 shots on

stage in Vegas

and I completely

lost I couldn’t moss all ability to communicate

I wound up looking I lied

on my back and I was looking around me and there’s shot

glasses all the

stage and I’m

still talking

microphone on laying down

I’ve done it

you’re laying down on

completely ridiculous

still talking in the mic

the problem is those wild

fucking shows are fun they’re great

in the audience

because like this is really happening

this is some

theater of humanity

this is real shit

you’re the only

other person in the

world right

it’s not good to do all the time no not all the time

but every once in a while

to have a show that’s

where the wheels come off

and that fucking car is in the woods hitting

trees bouncing off rocks

and you’re the only one really laughing

you’re laughing

hysterically into the

microphone trying to tell

your stories and everyone else is just like

well that’s

that’s not good if they’re not

laughing too

I like when the

wheels go off and everybody’s

wheels are off

I want everybody to join me in this little fucked up

party that happened to me in Texas

if you get if you’re more

drunk than everybody else that’s usually the issue

is there any

states that you can’t go to

right now it’s good

Canada Canada

it’s not allowed

in Canada I know

I was making a joke

but I really am not allowed in Canada

and the last time I went up

I was going to I was

I had to work

and a dog I was in line for customs

to come in and a dog

somebody had

their dog with them and I’m like what a

cute dog hi

and I look up and the guy

holding the

leash was a police officer he’s like come with me

the dog just zeroed in

right on me

with his nose

cause I just

smelled like pot I didn’t even have it on me

coming out of my pores

dog’s harsh

can’t even talk anymore the dog dry humping me

there’s no more barking noise left in its little body

bark barked itself horse

they took me in the back room and and it was it was a

slightly humiliating it was a strip search and

and then and then they found nothing had nothing

and they then they give you this pamphlet why me

he says why me something to that affected oh

basically why

was I violated

and then you looking and it’s the way you were dressed

it was the smell of the potty

goddamn dog but I’m saying it’s like a rape joke why me

dress like that

I shouldn’t have dressed like I mean what

I shouldn’t just like a hippie he’s

dressed like a stony slut

and you smell like we did a poor little dog

there’s an update about my

but I guess I’ll check

he’s fine because I’ve been talking

I was talking to him the

whole way here he’s fine he’s just in the hospital

and so what you were trying to say is that

if you stop drinking abruptly

you will and this is true

every time I’ve gone into rehab they say

you need to take this pill and it’s called Aladdin

and I’m like

why I don’t take pills I just don’t take pills I don’t

Aladdin I just

don’t like that some shit

they used to give people the back of the cowboy days

I don’t know

I think that was like something that people

would get addicted to back then

but I tried this allotted

well either

way you take it

and you don’t get you don’t have seizures

but if you don’t take it

or if you don’t taper off like

if you want to stop

drinking and you’re

drinking heavily

like every day and you

wanna stop you’ve

gotta just taper off you

gotta like if you’re

drinking 20 a day

then drink 15

then drink 10 really

yeah oh yeah

or you got it or you

gotta go home

and because you can suck

no no you can die

from the withdrawals my friend

my assistant

could have died he

he hit his head so hard that

alone could have killed him you

would have been

freaking out and fucking weed is illegal right

yeah incredible

great it’s just goddamn incredible yeah

cause if you had the choice between the 2

like if someone said do you want to have a

drink or have some weed

it’s always weed always

one or the other

look at how calm

you are let me tell you let me can I tell your fans

how many do you have by the way on Twitter 275,000

motherfucker well I hope a couple of them come over a

bunch of them are

gonna they’re loving it

people are saying you guys are fucking killing me

they’re loving you’re gonna

but let me tell you guys something because

I know Joe Rogan from how many years ago was it 1520

this is not the job

I love this guy he’s almost practically cuddly

I wanna hug up on him and

snuggle up by a fire and

let him read me a

story but this is the guy

that I worked with

did you say 20

it’s been yeah I

think it’s been

slow no it’s 96

let them do the math

1996 was in the middle

of it’s like 17 years coming up on 20 years crazy

he was I don’t know if you were taking

creatine or steroids or

you were jacked no I was just being me

and being him at that time was

straight edged

just saying well I

would drink

every now and then very

little when

I was doing this

I thought you

still weren’t Jenkin

I was just a couple of years away from my last fight

so I had fought

which by the way I read

something on Twitter that you’ve

never lost a fight

no I lost a bunch

of times I lost

my last one somebody

no I lost a

bunch of times I lost a

bunch of times in taekwondo

and my last kickboxing

fighter got fucked up

but this is

after you started smoking pot

no no no no

this was no I

haven’t fought

since 1989 was

a long time

mmm so when we did Newsradio

remember 94

I’m going to go work out you took me

like I want you to come out

on one of my workouts

this guy worked

this is this explains him back then

first of all

you were I don’t

know how to describe it you were a live wire

you didn’t care what people thought you still down

but now you’re just more

you’re more intellectual

about it’s more cool

like I heard your

whole thing

about what’s called DMT

and I was fascinated I listened to the whole

thing I actually

asked you can we do it on the air

on this podcast and you said no it’s too

hardcore I’m

gonna do it on my own then I’m

gonna it has

tell them it has the recovery rate for alcoholism

people usable

yeah and I was gonna Iowa

I was going

I Alaska there’s a guy

into pain go

right up the

street from me that makes

sense who does it I’m gonna I’m

gonna do it

folks I’m gonna do it because I don’t want to

drink I don’t want to

I don’t want to be flopping around on my

kitchen floor yeah

cracking my head open and dying

but anyways back then

20 you know

17 years ago he was

you you know what the word is angry

you were so fucking

angry it was hostile

and you would you

would attack

everybody and anybody even Paul Sims

and and but me

you the girls

would run to

their dressing rooms crying you know that

I’m not exaggerating crying

I would run to the bathroom and

punch holes in the wall

on the verge of crying

and and you

would always call me out for being high in

front of people

because you were you were straight edged

and and and the bottom line

just because I

was high dude it was because you were stopping work

no but it’s true I never

I was always having fun

you I was afraid of

yeah I know you were having fun but I was

oftentimes having fun in

other people’s expenses

I don’t know

about that listen I am

it’s true that I

would get upset very easily at things

but it wasn’t at nothing

wasn’t you know real

you always had a reason

but my point is

is I didn’t want to even go

to work so I was afraid of you well a lot of people are

upset at you Andy you know that

you know that everybody was

upset at you all the time

it was a constant source of struggle I love you dude I

think you’re

incredibly talented you’re

you’re a wild dude and

you don’t get that kind of comedy

unless it comes from a real wild

place you know and I love that

about you I

think you’re really fucking

funny I’ve always said that

but you got to

understand that that comes at

it’s a very

selfish package

a lot of times to

be that wild person and you

oftentimes don’t

think about how

other people are perceiving you

but I know that

I’ve been guilty

of that myself and I know that you have too

so you’re right you know and you can’t argue a

professional

environment like that

where everybody’s it’s not like we’re just partying

we were supposed to be doing this show

and if what you’re doing disrupts what

other people are doing it becomes a problem and

it’s not that I don’t love you it’s not that I don’t

think you’re talented it’s not that

I want to be

angry for no reason it’s just I’m

standing up for what I thought was right

yeah you did though

I hear what he’s saying that when I first

moved out you were a different

person you just seemed very different you’re so

chill now you really are and

it’s a lot of it is the tank

climbing in

the tank I want to get in on a regular basis

has made me reevaluate all the there’s a bunch of

different paths that we go down in our personalities

where we automatically

we get into certain

way let me just say that I’m a different person too

I’m sure in

17 years I’m not

stuck back there either well you know I’m a lot more

I just I’m just more

chill too I

think with intelligence like now

I you know back then I’d be arguing

with you but now I’m like you know you were right

maybe you wouldn’t

you know you were

I would get angry

you would come back and you

would apologize and

would hug it out or something

we were always friends

it was like love hate man yeah

but we always made up we always

never to the

point where I remember I walked into your

dressing room because

I saw it rocking

you know what

if this trailer’s a rock and don’t come a

knockin’but I took it you know I went the

other way if this

trailer’s rockin’ I

gotta come in and see what the hell’s

going on in here

with his dick in his hand

it’s Joe I did

not have my

dick in my hand

so Andy you’re fucked up

and you had your dick not even

hard it was flaccid

and you’re pulling on it in your hand

right in front of me

oh so this was like

was like later

after the show that’s not it was

I was in the

dressing with my

girlfriend right I was

it was like a

trailer it was like

after the show

yes yes party

okay yeah that was the end of the

night then I can imagine me

look you were doing it for shits and giggles it was fun

you know it was half partying

half you were

crazy half half half I was attracted to you

I’m not gonna lie

that was the

other fucking dichotomy for me back then

I was sexually

attracted to you

and just as equally

fucking frightened of you

so I wanted to be

with you sexually

mouse was put off all

those barriers for you

buddy you really did you

know like you knew you my

subconscious

date on you

well do you remember the episode

where you guys

wrestled and

you’re on the ground rolling around were you

thinking that like this is the hottest

scene ever I

still I still jerk off to yeah

I’m just kidding I know but listen

well I didn’t get to the point

where he took me he took

me by a couch

I was sitting right next to me out of douche chills

do you want a

spray bottle

that was back in the

day spray bottle just in case yeah you got me pre RL

for my soul come on

I’m not attracted like I was back then I’ve got some

flesh loot I don’t know what it is I

think maybe because you smoke a lot of pot now

but you puffed up a little bit you’re puffier

you’re not necessarily you’re

still muscular and you’re probably

strong as fuck

you could knock me out with one punch

but you’re more I’m not as lean

yeah you’re not as disciplined

I don’t work out you don’t care anymore yeah

well I work out but I still look good

like a fucking I was

gonna say back

down I was not you got to eat your I was

pretty disciplined with my diet you looked fucking

this guy with that any clothes on

in fucking credible but he took me to work out

and this is why this is why he looked like that

he would work out every day for how many hours

couple hours a day couple

hours a day like come on Andy cause I was working out

you know look at these guns come on

what did they say to you they say back off

but he took me there let me work out

let’s work out you do my workout Andy

I go I couldn’t do 20 minutes

and I But I

He was my ride so I had to

stick around and watch him work out him

and he’s went

3040 minutes into it

he worked out so hard

that he’s now over in the corner

with his hand on the edge of a giant

garbage can just vomiting

vomiting vomiting

and then he goes

okay I gotta have one more hour to go

like he kept working out he worked out to the

point where you vomit that’s fucking

crazy well the only I

threw up the other day the kettlebell work on threw up

you out to the point

if you push yourself

over that line

where every

left your whole body shaking

and you’re not vomiting it’s not a workout

your instincts are telling you to stop

you have to push through those instincts

you have to

the mind has to use the body like it’s a car

do you have to be able to stomp on that gas as the

wheels are spinning and trying to get out of the mud

you gotta keep the fucking pedal to the floor

forget about what the engines won’t

you gotta keep and you gotta

treat your body

like that that’s the only way your body really

truly becomes

strong do you take pills dude like creatine all that

steroids and I took a lot of different

stuff now no now I take

human growth hormone and testosterone I go for

hormone replacement therapy

why do you think you need more testosterone

no no I’m just worried

about you more

it’s what it does is you take it’s very

light dose to cream

where all it does is keep you at healthy levels

see I like soy milk and Ediname

he likes everything that makes you produce

he’s on birth

control I got nice

tits right now and my pussy boners hard that’s right

those 2 things

make you turn you into a woman I know you suck

I like both of those things too and it sucks

it really yeah you got to take some like

tribuluous with that

I so do are

these injections that yeah

the testosterone

is no it’s great

let me ask you though is

is this stuff is your heart okay yeah

no it’s your heart

have you had your

heart tested of course what

about bones do

I heard that over time that

weakens your bones does it weaken your bone

in like arthritis or something like that

it probably does wonders for your boner

well it does wonders for your body

like if you get an injection

this is soft

you just get rock hard

I don’t do injections it’s a

cream it’s a very do you rub the

cream on your boner no I don’t

give me a little of that you

can certainly

work with that cream

if you jerked off with that

cream did you imagine what

would happen have you ever

like run out

of whatever you jerk off with I like use like

Astral Glide

that would be a good sponsor

well we got

Fleshloop we already have

flashlight oh

we have Fleshloop

fleshloop well I’d like to talk to them too

but anyhow have

you ever run out and then you have to use something

you have to go around your

house cause you just need to jerk off

what is the

weirdest thing you’ve ever used

the juice that comes

with Bologna

is really good

slimy I’m pretty

standard when

it comes to jerking off

the juice that comes with Bologna

it’s slimy are

you serious yeah it’s like that said

you don’t know

Brian that’s so typical

I’m so used to the way he says

that’s absolutely disgusting

that’s I went

par for the course for a

Brian answer

you’re so used to it

mine I think the

weirdest was olive oil

which isn’t

even that weird

that’s that’s healthy yeah that

would actually be good for your skin

D H E A and

shit spit I’ve used

spits it sucks because I accept

work to get back to this hormone conversation

is kind of an important subject I’m

I like the jerk off I want to

think about I want to

think about your dick

listen fella

so you can think

about all you like

I’ve always loved them

this is for sure the strangest podcast ever

human growth hormone gay SEC

what happens is as you get

older like say if you have

a hypothyroidism your thyroid stops producing a certain

amount of thyroid hormone they just supplement it

they give you you know

synthroid or whatever

and you don’t have that I do have that too yeah

everybody does when you get to a certain age

your your body

stops producing

as much remember you you had you had the yeah I

still have that vitiligo still

but you used to have

everything it’s gone no yeah you went off on my face

wow that’s cool

bonus yeah it’s

just it’s a supreme that you put on it it’s called

pro topic ointment

and you have to

catch it right away

and there was some

other stuff you

could do you

could do with

light treatments

and shit like that but I had mine mine is very

mild I heard that it was because you’re

you’re rapid you’re like oh your body’s overworking

no it’s an immune system

thing it’s autoimmune system

yeah they don’t know exactly what causes it

but you know

like Michael Jackson

had a horrible way he had it all over his

whole body I just have it on my knuckles

when you don’t get pigment in your skin

and it just

turns what it is is

your immune

system is fighting

against your pigment

that’s what I was saying

so your immune

system is over my

whole body is just in a battle

all the time

his immune system is attacking

things that shouldn’t be attacking but

just explain this

human growth hormone

thing when you go for just like

him he attacks

things he shouldn’t be attacking

well not anymore though

not since not

since pot thank

God for pot go

and you get

blood test done and they find out what your levels are

testosterone

you should go

I should totally go but

tell you that you’re a girl well that’s fine

I’m gonna tell you a girl it’s the girl

cause girl girls

sense it the girls

sense it and girls love to fuck girls

so you they have the

sense you really

do you really have

huh do you really have man I have

large nipples but not boobies let me can let me see

let me see let me see

anyway what happens is you go and you get a

blood test they find out all your

levels and it makes you feel so much better to get

you know a normal

level of testosterone

normal level

of you know IGF all

these different

things all these different

things that keep you healthy

should I go in and do this for sure but

for what and everybody goes

great this is

this is what happens look you got it you’re

dying okay I’m

40 something years old

45 eventually you’re

gonna be 60

eventually gonna be dead there’s just no stopping that

that’s just how it’s always been

how what have you done

it’s just the way it is right

and people go why

would you supplement hormones

well because

it makes your body operate like a younger body

because it gives your body the

things that it’s missing mm hmm

and people go

well what happens if you don’t

if you do that you know what if it fucks up your body

first of all there’s no evidence that it does and

second of all if you don’t you’re

just gonna grow

weak and die

right it’s like it’s not simple to me to me

it’s almost

like a pragmatic choice but how old are you now 43

oh I didn’t know we were that

close in age

yeah and you feel like 1,000,000

bucks yeah I feel great yeah

as long as I do

the right thing eat

the right foods take the

right vitamins

lots of lots of vegetables lots I mean

I stay really healthy liquefied

vegetables yeah well you were always on a big trip

Andy used to

show up for work with bags like big plastic bags

filled with herbs

herbs and various vitamins and concoctions

and he would sit there

sorting his pills out for fucking

hours like sometimes we’d be rehearsing really

yeah well those

those pills on my desk Matthews desk all those

were real yeah they were

real real they

weren’t props and he

would just take all

these different

herbs and that was back when I was really

stupid I didn’t take anything

I didn’t take a

multivitamin

I didn’t take a goddamn

thing you did take one

thing cheese burritos

yeah I saw you just

ate do you eat like a lot

of burritos yeah

did you still eat like shit

well I don’t eat like shit I just eat a lot of

counter every once in a while

no I eat healthy I just eat a lot of food eats a lot

you were appetizers to meals to desserts to coffee

shows but you

still work out yeah

my your body needs fuel man if you look good

you don’t look

back you just look puffy

well I’m fatter

no definitely have more body fat than I have

I have a bigger

belly I have a bigger

belly than you you work out at all

yeah I just hike

I could do old man workouts

I started doing P90X what do you think

about that shit’s brutal

yeah it’s really good so I

should do it yeah anything like that

where you’re doing a different

thing every

night okay one

night you’re doing dumbbell

clean and jerks the next

night you’re doing chin ups and you’re

karate and then you’re doing yoga

yeah it just makes your butt

shocks the shit

out of your body don’t your body work don’t you

think they should have like a P5

you know like they

should have

different levels so you don’t what

is this age

3 what does it do for okay

what does it do

I don’t know it’s all the

stuff you’re talking

about makes you younger younger

you take a little ounce

like every day

you might wanna look into it it’s very very very

underground crap I did it like

no you’re into that hot as shit but I just love it

cause it rhymed with cocaine

it’s called

procaine like

cocaine’s like the con

where did you get this

stuff cocaine

is negative but procaine

positive from we got

they’re listening online it’s

called Pro Cane

Compound and he’s got this

gh3s hand but but

that’s not what’s in here I just cut the lid off yeah

use it as a disposable

oh that’s not what’s in there look the

G The propane is actually just this

clear liquid

you take an

ounce of it

every day there’s

I ran what’s in that stuff

this has cilantro

cilantro parsley

chlorella some

acidophilus it has the flax oil that 369 oil

it has dates bananas apples

Jesus it has all kinds of algaes

and greens those powders

3 different

green powders it has the flax seeds

it has chia seeds it has

every fucking

thing you can

imagine I put it in a vitamix and it liquid

even those tiny tiny tiny

black seeds

become liquid

and they go

right into my

bloodstream

and this is all living

shit enzyme so

we’re on the same

path but I just try to

get it from the earth from

mother name well

we’re all looking

for a doctor

did you make

that yourself

or do you go somewhere to get no I do it

I made this up it’s the most comprehensive fucking

smoothie that Jamba

juice can’t even touch

do you like shit what

do you shit

like fucking trees I have the most amazing shit he

would let yeah I shit tree trunks

just long I

lay I really lay pipe can

Brian film your shit

if I feel one coming on you can totally film it

listen bro it’s

worth doing man

think about all the hits that ari’s butthole got

Andy shit will get double

those hits yeah I will promise you double

those yeah you

gotta watch this

video called Jew

Clam and watch

the uncensored version of it juke Clam

okay I’ll watch it

but I don’t want like your flip

phone going up my asshole

you can I’ll let you film me sitting there

and you can

hear it coming out

whatever you want and then

I’ll get up and you can see it no we need but you’re

gonna see a

beauty no I don’t

wanna see it coming out it’s really the only way

see you’re getting all

sexual with me no

no getting sexual

sexual you’re taking a shit if you want to

come out of my ass

then I want to see your dick

we got I mean I got a barter here oh

I work on the barter

system through like do it

for the team

take one for the well

going and I want to see

it I want to see it a

that’s impossible it’s not even possible if you were

a mile girl you’re a mile away my dick would

be with your girl

we’ll all go to this fucking ass here he’s

screaming at me

that is not nice

you go and get with your girl

and then she’ll get you

going and then run out of the room with your boner it

sounds like a good idea

what are you bartering

with you got gold coins and i’m not noticing fuck just

and then you can see me shit

you have to do the most humiliating

dark the desperate

saddest thing

and if you do it joe then you

can see all you have to do is show

me your dick and then we have film of him pooping that

you take it for the team bro

you really think the pooping will

get us some good

that will be on tmz

considered all right

it is like a

chair between him and my

penis and erect

boner so i don’t

think you can you can be i can

you can put me in one of

those dog cages

and laugh i have

to have a dog cage

that’s the next

place you gonna be living pal

we can we just

feel we’ll just film in pooping on the pee pad

and when the dog pee pads

what did you say

that’s the next

place you’re

gonna be living pal

you’re living in a garage outside your

chick’s house

it’s a shed

it’s a shack

a shed shed

what do i know

was i drinking

someone else i gave you two i give you oh you did okay

what is that like i’m such a germ

freak i’ve always been germ free

well i pimped it out

first of all

i downplay it make people feel

sorry for me

but i wanted to be

i saw the movie

funny people

and i really related to

all the characters i didn’t see it

it’s not a comedy

go watch it and it’s a very well

made dramaty

except for the half hour

did you like it

i love everything up to the last half hour when they

threw his kids in there for like

so they can

have health insurance or something there was like

no reason for

the last half hour this

morning because they have

judd apatow’s

daughter singing that

jizz grizzabella the glamour

cat yeah never

from from cats

right and that really is her singing in her

school for real

i thought about that this morning yeah it was

disturbing i wasn’t

thinking what you’re

thinking but you know that might

but you know yeah it does

it has like five different endings that goes on but

basically just

watch the movie but my point is

is that i realized that i

and you probably experienced this by by observing me

but i really wasn’t

around as much as i obviously

could have been

for my kids

and my kids are now

about to not be kids

in fact lucas is

22 i don’t know and a

great stand up too he’s doing

well he’s doing

great he just

moved to new york

and immediately got

he called it pet

he passed i

guess it’s called

and i’m like that

sounded negative to me i went

oh i’m sorry

no he passed

i guess the test and

now he can perform at the comic

strip it’s not the biggest one

he can perform there

every week now the

comic ships

one of the best clubs in new york oh it is so awesome

it’s one of the best clubs it’s the

place where everybody goes and works out oh he

passed that’s

where like louis ck

will go great

i love that’s incredible

he moved with nothing

he’s on twitter

but he doesn’t go on much but he’s

lucas dick and he

needs help he showed me the

i gotta text the

first morning

after the first

night that he was there just

earlier this week

and he said here’s the view you’re

gonna love this

here’s the view from the bunk bed the top bunk from

where i’m staying

at a stranger’s

house that he had never met

and it was looking down onto a computer screen

and on the computer screen

was the poster for

brokeback mountain

now i can be

you know bi and i can

be with guys on but i don’t really want my kids to be

i like i texted him back get out of there take the

first plane back

wow you know i

it’s freaked me out he’s he’s like

that’s staying

at some gay guys

house wow isn’t that

weird that i

would freak out

about it’s funny that you

would freak out

about it why

i don’t know

you did it happened

to me naturally you

don’t want it to happen to him

is that what it is

i know that i know how straight all my kids are

and i don’t want them

to be to be

taken advantage of

so that’s what you

think you feel like someone’s

gonna catch him

while he’s vulnerable

or maybe or

slip something in his

drink or some

steroids isn’t that like and he’s a handsome girl

isn’t that a big thrill

for a lot of gay guys

to get a straight guy to do something

yeah yeah because

that’s why i

think that’s what i did

with you every guy

you might you

might be one of the straightest guys i’ve ever met

i’ve got to see that boner

i know this

i know this

gay guy joe i know this gay guy that does hair

and he goes to people’s

house to do hair and he

every time he does a guy

he tries to fucking

sleep with the guy or do something

he says that

like one out of five people actually

do it they do like straight guys

dude there was a dude i worked with

i don’t want to mention

which show because everybody on the show will know

he was a behind the

scenes guy and he

was a gay guy

and he told me you

would be amazed

amazed at how many straight guys he’s blown yeah

he just like offers to

blow that i

guess that happens true

happens all the time but what what

is the bathroom

oh yeah we should go to the bathroom

and take those headphones off them

we’re gonna

third door down

to the left

while you’re in there

okay third door oh

jesus christ

this is awesome

this is fucking

great i love it i can’t i love

i love how he

talks about your dick and stuff and

you can just sit there and you’re kind of like

nervous and

what’s like i’m waiting for the

storm to pass yeah

it’s like when you’re in your car

and the big wave of rain comes down like shit

maybe we should just pull over and wait this out

don’t drive right now

if you’re in miami

and there’s a wall of

water in front of you that’s andy dick yes

there’s a wall of

water in miami talking

about your dick

that’s so funny

i love it talking

about me talking

about you making me uncomfortable

it’s internet

but you don’t get uncomfortable

that’s one thing i like

about you you

really fine

you’re totally fine you’re not uncomfortable are you

no no no never

in all the years i’ve

known you know you

never get uncomfortable

no i’m pretty open minded violent

sometimes you have i

think you’ve pushed me or gotten violent but

you know i only pushed you out of my door

while you had your dick in your hand crazy fuck

take it easy

take it easy

you accuse me

of being violent but you don’t want to own up to what

causes the reaction to you you’re not violent anymore

no much more much more mellow now

thank you marijuana it’s marijuana it’s also the tank

going in the tank

on a regular

basis we’re not at your house no

well it’s real simple there’s a

place down here in burbank called soothing solutions

there’s a place in venice that’s the best

place it’s called the

float lab and if you go to the

floatlab com

you’ll see what they have there

i want to go to my favorite

place called joe rogan’s house

can i go eventually

like do you have to change the

water every time yes

every time no no you don’t change the

water every time

it goes through a filter

system oh okay

every time i turn the

thing on how much was it

the tank itself yeah

everything is

about eight thousand dollars

oh that’s not bad but it’s

still very expensive

expensive and but it’s laying down long ways yeah it’s

completely invaluable to me you’re laying down yeah

okay yeah it’s like a

giant bed like a bed

you know it’s like four feet wide and

paid me seven or

eight feet long salt water yeah

oh really 800

pounds of salt is in the

water so you’re

you float you

float and it’s heated the same temperature as your skin

and there’s no

sensor experience

or no sensor

input rather

the top part of your body is out of the yes exactly and

you can breathe you can

breathe your ears

are underwater

i don’t know but

other people do

and the guy

who’s a friend of mine who set up the tank for me

not only did

he he had this

crazy experience

where he kept waking up

inside of dreams

like he had a

dream and then boom

he would wake up and realize oh my god i was

dreaming then boom and wake up no you were

dreaming again

about waking up from dreaming

like he thought and then he realized it was in the tank

that’s awesome you know like you when you

strip away all the input

all the sensory

input you’re just left with the mind

outside of the body

your brain literally is unconnected to your

body because it’s not getting any information from it

in la it’s over simulated

everywhere new york

city in our

in our offshore patient

overstimulation

not just over

stimulation but a lot of

bizarre stress

and our occupation because i apologize

if i’m accepted

i’m putting

bizarre stress on you now no

no you’re not

at all you know you’re not you know i know

you know i know the people

yeah well people are

freaking out he’s talking

about dick joe’s

gonna be so mad

this is working with andy for five years is what we did

every day so you’ve

never seen his dick ever

i’m sure he

does i think i

might have we

kicked him out of the

scene there was a

scene where i had

to pull my it

was it was fucking

thick meaty

it was meaty there was a

scene where i was supposed to be

naked and they had to kick andy out of the studio

i was totally

naked and i was

went over to catherine’s

place you made me yeah

you fucking

leering and shit staring at my

hog watch cut it out

buddy cut out

cut out all the hogs darren

would have been fun

um you know what’s funny

before we got to that

we were talking

about something the tank the tank

but what were you oh

you need to try it man that’s my

point you can

do it you know what’s

funny about andy

is when i do

open mics you know we’re always talking

about different

comics and stuff but

every time we

anyone talks

about andy dick

it’s always like

dude andy dick was at my

house last night he was just walking around going

hey do you guys got beer and then he just went into the

apartment he hung out for like

five hours like

every single person has a

story like that

did you at one time used to just wander the

just last year

i do these things called someone attack you

did someone beat you up or attack you or something like

that a tmz guy i pushed i pushed his

camera away

and he got mad and

actually i grabbed his mic

snapped it off

and then i was

like talking into it but it wasn’t attached

and so what did he do he pushed me over pushed me

really it’s on it’s on

so that is not you salt

yeah if i wanted to but you know what

i wouldn’t win

you don’t think you’d win well no

nobody would believe me was there a

video they’re out

you really not

allowed to be just shoving people like that i didn’t

yeah he shouldn’t

the only way you’re supposed to ever

shove someone is if they get in your face

and you’re protecting yourself i

think yeah i think

when you come up to someone and just

shove he shot me

my back did you hear

about that woman that got

knocked out

i think it was in new york

a guy and a

woman were arguing over a parking spot

and the chick was four feet 11 100

pounds and the guy was a

small guy too he was only like

150 pounds but he

punched her

she hit him a

bunch of times and then he

punched her and

knocked her

unconscious and she fell back and

bounced her head off the concrete

and now she’s

fucked she’s got

bleeding in the

brain they had to remove a section

of her brain

all over a fucking parking spot and she started

first though she hit him well supposedly that’s his

story but who

knows what will remember the guy was a felon

and he had aggravated assault

charges he had a

bunch of charges already in his past so he was

obviously not a fucking

preacher you know it wasn’t a choir boy

but it’s just it’s so sad when you know you hear

about violence over nothing like that

remember a few

maybe five years ago there was that road rage incident

where people i knew one of the people

barely i can’t even remember the who he was

and they got out of their cars

to continue

screaming at each

other and then

the one guy took out a

knife and stabbed him oh

right god road rage

a friend of mine

a friend of mine when he was in high school

there was a kid who was imported

to the school from jamaica i came from jamaica

and like imported straight

we was imported he came from another country

isn’t that what it is

i don’t import students

you import products

so you import this psychopath

this guy anyway

they get in a fight

an argument

about something they go outside

kid pulls out a fucking

giant kitchen knife

like a big jamaican guy a

jamaican guy a jamaican

guy and just stabs the fuck out of this kid

while these

suburban high

school kids are

freaking out and screaming

no one’s ever seen any violence at all

a little fist fight

this guy pulls out a

knife he’s coming straight from jamaica

and just stabs the fuck out of his kid

no he didn’t

die but he was in the hospital for almost a year

like he had to have like 10 different

surgeries his

whole body was just i mean he

stabbed him like four or five

times in the guts

and the guy

literally you know

he’s got cut open like a fish i’ll

never be the

same thinking

of stabbing in the guts

what i never did hear

anything more

about arty lang

when what happened

i don’t know

i don’t know i you know

we love that

dude i love

him we have the same lawyer

do you yeah anybody

i don’t i don’t

see him i don’t

talk to him he’s in new york i’m out of here

i know i had done the

stern show since he had been on it

so i have his book i’m reading it he’s doing

great as that must be a rich lawyer i

did it once or

i did it actually no i did it a few times

while he was on it but

i didn’t keep in

touch with him unfortunately but i did

had run into this guy once it was

a real sad moment was way before the attempted suicide

we were at a bar

and this guy

it was at a

ufc event and this guy

apparently was friends with arty’s assistant

and he just didn’t

know like the assistant didn’t know what the fuck

to do nobody knew what to do no one knew what to stop

but they all

thought that he was on this dark dark road it was all

like everyone was scared for him

you know and the guy was like you know

could you call him up

what would i say you know

hey arty that’s what people are saying joe

rogan who you barely know you

you know i worked

with you on man tv in nineteen ninety four and i

just hung out with you a few times at comedy clubs and

stuff and i went

to see him at the i mean i don’t know him enough to be

to be exactly the same with me and

charlie sheen

really hung

out a little little bit

than when i was having my darkest hour

during less than perfect and

you know they

literally said go into rehab or you’re

fired and i went

then just fire me i mean

it was that dark and

they brought

charlie sheen in

machine they brought

him in talk to you but

he was sober at the time and he really did help me i

started doing

meanings i got sober and he helped me

that’s why i

i don’t remember i just remember

thinking oh this is cool charlie

she’s fucking

badass it was a fucking cool and you take a

picture with them put them on your facebook no their

facebook wasn’t around yet even

but but that’s

why i reached out to him because i all the

all my people are saying you

gotta help your boy and

the same thing

that my boy and he helped me up and i’m like

who am i being

selfish here so i’m called

i didn’t know his number i don’t know how to

reach him but then

when he was on howard

stern i’m like

oh i have howard’s number i can just call now

right and so i called in but i was calling

i was calling from the shed

and i had a really shitty

connection and

not out oh no

he’s like oh hey

buddy and we

started to talk

and then oh

shit i could have helped

and then they put then i really

think that you

could have helped

possibly had i got on the

phone because

if i can get over there

and my energy

is infectious if i can get over there

he i could i

think i could get him to stop i tell you what

i got my assistant to stop

drinking then he had you had a fucking

seizure on my

kitchen floor

but i just said that’s all

the more reasons that you really need to fucking stop

right a long period of time

right but it seems like charlie sheen

what he’s doing

i mean the way he’s

behaving and acting

he’s got this

crazy like i’m invincible

thing going

on yeah something’s you know

that’s what happens is that a manic

thing what is that yeah the ego i don’t know it i

think it’s from

i mean he admits he smokes

these rocks

these seven

gram rocks do you know how much that is

that would be

about i would say

to under this

much cocaine

and not just snorting

little smoking

smoking rocks

how he’s like an

ox well he’s

gonna suffer

in his older

years oh yeah

well he’s suffering right now

something’s

going on yeah

i’ve known you can come back

you can bounce back

i mean i think

people that back in the day had

heavy cocaine

habits and they

almost all developed

neurological problems

like like fucking parkinson’s and all kinds of show

guys who have like

heavy duty like hollywood

style smoking it and

they get fucked

with richard pryor

those guys they get fucked up when they get older

oh yeah you know

i was wondering i was

wondering if michael j

foxes even remember he made that

movie bright

lights big city

where i was like

you would remember that

he was like in the bathroom

we dropped in the toilet

and like i wonder if he that’s

by the same guy who made american psycho isn’t it

isn’t it by the

bread east and

ellis didn’t he

write that as well

i like he did he writes

all those goddamn

crazy dark movies not all of them but he

writes i didn’t like american psycho

you did what

the book sue me

i remember getting in an argument with someone

not an argument

but rather a disagreement with someone

about the book

where they were saying all he does is like describe all

these really fucked up scenes

and i’m like man i couldn’t disagree more

like he’s making he’s not passing any judgment all the

things he sees and describes to you

but i wouldn’t say that it’s just making a

bunch of shit up

he’s really

accurately painting

a character

assessment of a fucking sociopath

a psychopath

like to me it seemed like

he was making

yeah he was making all the

connections the way a psychopath

would make it

i thought it was brilliant

you know but

you know there’s a lot of people that don’t like

those kind of movies

the violence and

the death and the

blood that doesn’t bother me

i like that part there’s just really

you gotta admit there was no

story less than zero or american psycho

american psycho

less than zero well

american psycho the book had more of a story

but you know

it’s always the case you know you try to whittle down

a book into a couple

hours of film it’s just

what was the last film you liked

i haven’t don’t ask me because i haven’t

been to a movie in a

while i liked

i liked i’m

saving my money

i’m saving my money

i’m saving my

money to put a bathroom in my shed yeah

you have a bathroom what do you do now just you

gotta go and

mountain dew cans

mountain to like big

big wide mountain a whole

whole outside i have a

i say a bucket

to make it to once

again downplay it

right let me explain by the way i put in five

grand to pimp it out

right really really

nice it’s like a man cave it’s gorgeous so you’re

planning on staying there

i’m gonna stay there

until my kids are 18 or

over and you guys have an

agreement that’s five more

years she’s

great oh no

yeah it’s up and down you know i

many days i’m like i can see why we’re not

going out anymore

she’s i’m crazy she’s a little crazy

and we just

put the crazy mashes together

yeah but a lot of time but i can just go to my man cave

and watch netflix or do whatever

jerk off to porn

that’s nice

so you’re right there with your kids

i’m right there and thank

god because it’s at a time

where especially

jacob he’s 16 he really needs me to be there

and whether he wants it or not there’s been times

where he’s been

screaming at my face but i just

i just absorb it and i just i’m thinking

you know this is just years and years of

anger just let it

come out and i just absorb it like a sponge and

i don’t get mad back

i’m much like

he deserves i deserve to be yelled at

and i just let him

get and now we’re just like super

fucking close

and and same with my

daughter who is thirteen i’m

five more years and

they’re adults like i said

lucas is as an

adult in new york on his own

do you were using

lucas on one of your shows

weren’t you didn’t

you have him in the audience for some of your shows

which show you when you’re doing live shows

and oh no no he

no when we when we and i

still do this when we go around the country

which i took a

break from because the last time

the last time i did it is is when

you know i got i went to jail

again a year ago

it’s like are you kidding me

i had the best show of my fucking life i went out

had a little wine

and i started making out with this guy

and the guy was like 30 years old everybody

this is one

thing i didn’t talk

about all year because there’s a lawsuit

still up in the air you know like that

so i’m not allowed to talk

about it’s kind of over now so why are you talking

about it because it’s kind of over

it’s kind of over yeah we’re

at the tail end of it let’s say

but anyhow i’m making out with this guy

and he’s making out with me i don’t attack him

you know i talk and then we

start we’re making out

his girlfriend comes up went berserk

his girlfriend

brother is a cop

suddenly there’s 20 cops

they’re tapping me

going come with me

hand coming just

very very angry

it’s a from you know the

mason dixon line all the way down

south it’s just filled with homophobes

right where was this

it was in um

west virginia this is in west virginia

it’s science

wow you read making out with

a dude in a bar in west virginia consensual consensual

man consensual

i didn’t right

never again that’s

the last time i did the shows have been over a year ago

was the best

show ever but when i do the show back to the point

when i do my live show

lucas opens for me

and that’s all it is

he’s not in the audience i do

plant a couple people

but i do i do i do this

thing i don’t want to give it away

but i get the people there

it’s always someone new

so you were you were

suing the town

i’m not they were suing you yeah wow

it seems like you

should be able to sue them

i know once again your

story is the boy

who cries wolf

oh no it’s completely accurate

we went there

i hired the best lawyer in town

and i’m taking a

picture of you for my folks

they love you so much what happened in columbus ohio

here we go um

i was just pissing this you do the thumbs up

again that’s good you’re pissing in the

street and columbus ohio

i’m doing another one because you

close your eyes

hang on just here we go

um well you know what when you

drink as much beers i do

right i thought it was something

else i thought you peed on a person or something no

i’m not like that well

the lines that you

boom won’t cross

so now you’ve been sober for

three months are you doing

a program what are you doing yes what are you doing

the program

alcohol ox anonymous is that what it is

or narcotics anonymous

if it was i

wouldn’t tell you

cause it’s anonymous oh

but you told me you’re doing a program

it’s like just a

secret p90x let’s call it yeah

let’s call p90x

no no i have i yeah i’m doing i’m doing

everything everything

known to man

they can do

everything known i’ve always you can assume

i’m doing a

okay i’ve always been fascinated by

those those

those programs that try to

reset the way you’re

thinking they were they approach that they

weren’t they

would they do they were give you patterns

at the very

least it was positive

thinking that’s at the very

least right

at the very most

at the very most i don’t know what you believe in

spiritually but at the very most you’re actually

making like a conscious

contact with god

right that’s at the very most

and then but

at the very

least if it’s if it’s positive thinking

fuck it that’s

good enough sure you know if you’re praying

then pray prayer at the very least is

positive thoughts you know you’re

you’re not sitting there

worrying or

or or or being

angry you’re praying you’re

at the once

again i’ll say one more time

at the very

least your positive

thinking remember that back in the 70s

positive thinking yeah yeah

i’m writing i love joe rogan

should i write i love joe rogan

stay on the subject

i wanna know

what it’s like what is it like when you go into this

thing and you have to sort of

submit okay i have a problem

you know well the

weird thing for me

about the program and i’m

gonna say it

again it fucking

works if you

submit and you subscribe and you you let go

and let them

they literally in the program they say let us

think for you let us hold you up let us

be let us love you

until you love yourself and

like let us love you

until you learn to love yourself

and that’s fucking awesome

you get these people in there

fifty years sober

twenty years sober even one year sober

even i have

three months even the guy that has four

months sober

i’m like wow this guy

i wanna hang out with him he’s got one more

month of me

but you know i’m

the guy that has that knows the program inside and now

i’ve had three years of sobriety

in a row you

know that that’s when i did the antidic show

three years sober i don’t know if you know that hmm

three years now

the other thing

is is i don’t like

this is me personally i’m i’m

gonna preface

it by saying once

again it works

i’ve seen people

get sober and stay sober

i’ve seen people

go into the program and if they drop out of the program

they’re fucked

right right so so but the

thing that that

weirds me out and it’s a it’s a

thing and it’s an american

thing is that

they call they call it

a disease okay this is

where i start getting weird

so if alcoholism is a disease

i have a disease

so it has to be treated

and it has to be treated by

in the program there’s certain

things there’s

steps and and that’s how you

treat it like in cancer

you know the

the i don’t know what you

think about

when people get cancer and they get radiation or they

or the chemotherapy or whatever like that

i don’t believe in all that

stuff i don’t

i don’t there’s

other ways to do it you know like the gerson

therapy you know

about that but

chemotherapy

is incredibly effective

on people that have cancer

there’s a lot of

people alive

today because

i agree certainly

organic diets and all

those things are

absolutely fantastic for

you but they’re pretty goddamn good with chemotherapy

these days it can it can really help yeah

yep you know

i know what you’re saying though

you’re much better off having a very healthy diet and

nutrient rich diet and you’ll probably

avoid a lot of

stuff well watch the movie

it was a call a beautiful

truth or the beautiful

truth it’s about the

curse and therapy

you’ll okay but anyhow

so here’s the dichotomy that

bugs the fucking

shit out of me the disease

so i’m diseased

right let’s just take me

and you dick

so the law look

at that look at that poor fool he’s he’s got a disease

right alcoholism

so then when i’m on the streets of hollywood

in the midst

and in the throes

t h r o e s

that when i’m

right there in

the middle of my disease

up to my eyeballs in

the sickness of it all and

what i’m talking

about is like

stumbling around and i can’t

you know like help me

why do people

laugh at that

and take pictures of it

oh come on you’re playing

dumb you know exactly why they do it but that’s a

freak show that exactly but that’s the economy

if you saw if you saw somebody with

with multiple sclerosis with

those with those

things that

that with those

those those um

sticks that you walk with you and go

haha look at him

taking videos

way over simplifying

it it’s not that simple it’s not is something

if that’s i am

simplifying it’s that simple

they that you’d have much more sympathy

and much more

compassion for somebody who really does have a disease

so that’s the my point

so so do i have a disease or not you fucking assholes

listen if yeah if you don’t feel good

if you’re sick and if you have issues it’s a disease

if it’s a mental disease of addiction it’s a disease

any addiction

to jerking off is a disease do you have that how

often do you jerk off

i’m pretty good

about it just like once a day no more than once a day

what about your girl

i fuck her every day

whenever i want to

settle down

creepy motherfucker

i’m sending addiction

i don’t have an addiction

issue in that regard

i have addictions

to games i have addictions i get addictions to

activities what’s your favorite game right now

i don’t i don’t play any

video games you stop i can’t do it

i have the same

thing i play online for 8 10

hours in a time i can’t stop it’s too much fun

can really fucking fun it really is

you know i stopped back at toe jam and earl

i don’t know

what that is

i played all the way to the end

you remember toe jam and

earl yeah what was that on nintendo

yeah i think was on

toe jam and earl

i beat the fucking

thing and then i went you know what now

i’m done well you said well

i don’t understand why you’re getting

upset about this

classification

the classification

of addiction i don’t know why because i don’t

believe it’s a disease i

think i drink a fucking ass load

i think i have a problem

i drink a lot i don’t

think it’s a disease all right

let me tell you this if it’s a disease

if i had multiple sclerosis

why are you

being silly

i’m not being

silly you’re

simplifying it

it’s not a disease there’s a

bunch of different kinds of diseases

just like there’s a

bunch of different kinds of drugs

caffeine is a drug explain to me

why caffeine

is a drug explain to me

of different reasons why

why it’s a disease yeah why i am you’re sick

you have a mal'

ease i’m not

drinking now no

right now you’ve figured out how to stop doing it for a

while but if

you have cancer can you figure out how to not have

cancer so it’s the type of disease that you can cure it

doesn’t mean it’s not a disease

i didn’t and

when you woke up you have it like an

apple did you want alcohol

right when you

woke up this morning no no like

like when you were

into oh yeah

i said right when you woke up you wanted to

drink i needed

to really i’d have you

and your body addicted to it

i would get

weird isn’t it

strange that we become physically

addicted and connected to substances that are bad

for us that is

weird so what a

bizarre human

trait i know that’s why my friend

my assistant who is my friend

collapse right

flapping around

like a fucking fish because he didn’t do it the

right way he wasn’t careful about yeah

taper off man was he would

drinking a lot as i

guess so i would ask him

right he lives in orange county

and he did say a week ago i’m in kind of a bad

place and i said well

get your shit together

and get up here i need help he has a

truck and i bought this

loft bed i’m trying to open my space up

right in my shed

i got this gigantic

queen bed that takes up half the

thing so now i’m getting a

loft bed and

i’m gonna have a whole tour

i’ll send you

pictures you

gonna do like a youtube video

andy dix cribs i

just invite you over

i thought about doing

the you stream you know when you stream

first came out i was on it for

i was addicted

to it i was sober because i was wearing that

ankle thing

there was another

whole year i had somebody

lindsay lohaned

ankle thing she wore it

for a month

i wore that fucking

thing for a year you fuck

a year fucking year it’s

horrible they made

you be sober for a year yeah

but it’s not even that i

could have swede

while you’re on that thing

i found that out like

in the last month

i was so fucking

cause there was only a month left

but i was fine have a great day

so you thought that it was only everything

but it’s only alcohol

then i don’t know why i finally said wait a minute

and then i looked online i

asked a bunch of people

and i tested and i was

scared shitless

lindsey went to jail

if you drink on it you go to jail

i don’t like jail jail

is unpleasant what was the

rumor that she had gotten

it from kombucha tea

because kombucha

tea is fermented

but do you remember that

no i don’t remember that but that that would be

yeah that’s what they’re saying because

kombucha they pulled it off the shelves

gts kombucha they pulled their

hat off i know

about that but even if it’s even if it did so they

can tell yeah

because you can tell my name

because mine went

off a couple times when i was performing at nightclubs

because of the booze

vapors just coming up from the

floor what but they

can tell it was so minute

like it wasn’t even

a shot of booze

vapor that comes that’s what it’s like

i mean it’s pretty it’s

coming out of your pool

pretty sensitive yeah

very sensitive

how do you know did you have to wear one no i just know

about it i asked around

i can’t believe i wore it for a year you wore

it for a whole year

what did you

get arrested for that you had to wear it for a year

what was it

oh no that was the one i was talking about earlier

in buffalo wild wings into in

temecula and i couldn’t talk about it

ever so i could never

tell my side right but the way they describe it

is that i went up to this girl and ripped her top down

and not true at all i might someone’s baby

andy dick rips her top down

in the middle of wild wings it didn’t happen

first of all wild wings you know

she shouldn’t have been there after hours it’s a bar

and what did happen the thing is is that she was 17

she wanted an autograph and a hug and i gave her a hug

and that was it and then she said

that i ripped her

shirt you didn’t

say anything creepy to her no

maybe i said oh you’re so beautiful i’m always

complimenting everybody i always feel

obligated and the thing is that she was like overweight

she wasn’t very

attractive so you think and i always feel

obligated to give people compliments

like they need and they want it and it really

validates them if it’s coming from a celebrity you

ever feel that

that you feel

obligated to be like

why i definitely feel

obligated to be nice to people but i want to i

think you have a unique opportunity i know

someone to make them feel good

and that’s what i was

doing and then she fucking flipped it around

so she was just

crazy so we nuts

and then and and and it’s proven because

her friend called me

found me called me said

just so you know she’s playing you

and here’s the this is back during my

space she’s like here’s the myspace messages

that she’s sending to me and all her friends go

i got this guy and i’m gonna get

money out of him oh my god and

and and i and it was fun because i did

i did an interview for the

paper and i pretended to cry

wow you got all this on myspace

why don’t you put this online

because nobody will believe me i believe you i’ll

read it you’re

the only one i’ll tell everybody it’s true do you

understand the

boy who cried you have

these myspace messages you have the actual

photo of the

it’s too late

i’ve already done my time i wore the

things i wore the

thing for a

year the thing is over

it’s behind me

it’s done andy

dick com needs an update what’s this

bitch’s name

i don’t even know no don’t do that

no i really don’t know

i don’t know

right i want to

i’m telling you though people are

loving freaks

i’ll do a jpr

broadcast with

them and that’s not even

counting the people

worldwide how many

freaks are listening to this

thing loving it

my friends are loving in

russia my followers are loving

what we’re doing

right now they

love it powerful

the andy dick follows this

asshole say at

least you finally came out of the closet

people i’ve always talked

about liking guys from day

one this guy has not read all your interviews he’s

extrapolating

what he wants out of

russell smith

fucking let’s don’t do this

no i just read this and get all negative

you’re right i’m not like that are

yeah you’re

gonna really not i

wrote we had we already

tried this on the podcast don’t

we had a chat room for

a while impossible it

doesn’t work it

doesn’t it’s all

i love to do suck my nigger cunt

suck my nigger cunt is

someone say it like a hundred times

it’s like people just

would do anything

to get attention it’s like everybody wants to be here’s

what i mean

peoples do anything that’s what i love

about twitter i’m

in love with it because

i control my

world and it’s all

a bunch of lovers sure if there’s any

hater i come up with a creative way of saying

oh i’m sorry that you feel that way

how do you feel

about being

dot dot dot

dot dot dot i always go dot dot dot dot dot dot

dot dot blocked

and then i go to

their thing and i block them

right i block

all haters you know when someone i

block all haters

yeah that’s all good andy

but what we’re saying is when you read all this shit

while we’re online

while we’re doing it

right it cuts the conversation off yeah

right that we

learn want me to

close it yeah

close that shit

fuck you can’t go on twitter and just deal with all

these negative people and have

fights with

i don’t i don’t

that’s when you’re on a show like this

if you’re broadcasting something there’s a heightened

need to be paid attention to

so you get i

thought i thought that

you would have a lot to say

about somebody

who said that’s you finally committed clone

just what they’re

silly people out there man they don’t know you

they they should just go i

guess andy digs gay and i didn’t know it i’m not

gay by the way sometimes

i’ll be gay with you

gay for the stay come on joe just show me

gay for the stay what does that mean

mexicans use it in prison

they go to prison

they bone each

other they call it gay for the stay

what does that

mean just to make them make a deal they’re

gonna fuck some dudes

when they’re in jail and then when they get out there

okay for this day during the stay

while we’re in

prison we’re

gonna fuck some dudes and then when you get out

it’s all only girls well we’re

we’re in a sort of a prison of our own right now

is that your

sleazy guy voice

i wonder why you have been acting lately

you’re out of

here to practice

all the time

i just did csi

really would

you i have i did two episodes of community

with chevy chase

you don’t watch tv

with commuting

why watch movies on nbc

everything i

watch is strange

i’m probably

gonna be doing

i got offered two parts but i was not in a good place

and i said no both times and

i had not seen the show but it’s called drop dead diva

it’s a girl show

fucking love it

i’m addicted to it

what i love it i’ve seen

every episode

twice at least because i’m showing

it to all the

green i live in a

house of girls all i live in the shed

and in the in the main

house there’s five girls right

i said no because i was not in a good

place and they didn’t know the show i thought drop dead

diva it sounds like

a reality show about

about runway

models i didn’t know

but it’s a very clever

awesome show that does empower

women it’s all lifetime

so it’s a woman show but once

again i’m in love with it and margaret show

is on it and she said so

you know and

twice and then i finally saw him and i called

margaret back and i got in

touch with the creator’s name

josh and i said

dude i was out of my mind i don’t know what was

wrong with me

but you’re so fucking rocks

go try to see it i don’t know if you’ll like it

okay because

you’re your girl my life

shut up it’s not like fluffy girly

it’s like it’s

powerful women i bet your

girl i know her but i can’t remember jessica good wait

motherfucker

well you already said her name yeah

i fucked up once

what what what they

they don’t know her last what did farrah

fawcett taste like

what listen

i want to know

i want you to know

so what you’re trying to do now by all this

cleaning yourself up

you’re trying to really

start working again

that’s what you’re trying to do

it’s mostly for my kids but then after

a few weeks of being clean

i’m fucking bored

right yeah i’d

loved it i’d love to have it come back what makes you

i retired for like two years

what did you do nothing nothing

how’d you do that

it didn’t work out

through all your money too

right quickly

it’s horrible you got to make

money dude horrible you do you’re very good at it

you must not only

be well off on a day to day basis doing great

but you must have so

much fucking cash

tucked away

in accounts

maybe even buried in your fucking backyard

knowing you

i spent it all

on gold buddhist

i bet you do i bet

with all his conspiracy theories and all

the shit the

underground

weird shit is into because i know

my ex’s mom

is telling us buy

silver buy gold

buy bullion

and find a place and

bury it i’m

gonna tell you

right now do you let me

just ask you

sense that’s

so you don’t

have any silver you have any gold buried anywhere

no when this shit is

you’re gonna need bullets and gasoline

that’s what you’re

gonna need you’re not

gonna need gold i don’t give a fuck

about your golds do you have any venison

i need to feed my children

it’s not gonna be gold man that gold is nonsense gold

maybe a thousand years after the apocalypse

when people

start to develop

you know some sort of monetary system

again when you say gas

then you need to have a car

and you know you need to

light things on fire you shouldn’t go very far

you’re gonna i heard you need like a hummer

because when the

apocalypse comes it’s the thing there’s

earthquakes and there’s no roads anymore you need a car

you’re gonna need biofuel

you need a farm you

need to make corn and make your own fuel

well we’re halfway there look it’s we have

comp we have four compost heaps we

we’re getting

well it’s good to have

food that you

actually grow and develop in your own yard that’s a

definitely a goddamn

smart thing

i mean we trust so much in the food

system that’s in

place right now but

they’re constantly

finding new asteroids that are heading our way

constantly finding meteor impacts they just

found a big one in the congo

a big meteor impact

is this your masturbation lotion

am i this isn’t even my fucking

house dude hold

on that’s talking

about yeah everyone dies

it’s not bad

it’s right by the computer

oh just lotion bro

all the shit you say

and you pick up his lotion

that’s freaking you out here

this is better

you really honestly though

your name are you red band yeah okay

everybody’s talking

about you on

my thing so you really do use this to masturbate

yeah that’s for that computer

when i’m over there dickey and he hid it behind here

no i think when he’s on this computer he has this

yeah on on this computer

he has that

i just spit on my hand when i’m on that

couch what it what happens to you when the

wheels fall off

what it what is it that makes you

know you’ve gone

but no no if you’ve gone like all

these years without being

with without

drinking or anything you’ve gone like

three years in a row being

completely sober what

what sets it off

what gets you

right back to it when you know that it’s bad for you

well i just seems fun

but that’s the

point i get to a

place where

you know what

i can have i can drink a little

beer i can have well i can smoke a little pot

and then it it doesn’t happen overnight you slowly

slow it takes

months and months and really really do you ever

start out like yo hey i’ll just have a little beer and

smoke a little pot and then that

night i’m looking for coke

no i was gonna say then stop doing it for a couple

of weeks yeah i’ve done that

and then start up again and

i’ve been able dabbling in the world i just

honestly is it an impulsive

thing or is it a physical thing

i think i honestly think the crux

of the issue is boredom

and i get to a place and i

argue with dr drew about this

i ask him right to his face do you

think i’m an alcoholic

he doesn’t even answer he just laughs

hysterically

doesn’t say yes or no i mean

the answer is in his laughter

right but but to me that doctor drew he’s a

sweetheart yeah

laughs at you

no but ask him if you’re an alcoholic

no he really isn’t

he is i know it really is he’s helped me

immensely i just called him

yesterday yeah well because mike

well i talked to him

as a we’re doctor patient

now have you ever been on a show of course yeah

celebrity rehab yeah

yeah remember i was in the sober

house you didn’t know that i really don’t

watch tv i try not to watch

those things is doctor jerry a gentle kisser

brian he’s like me

me and him if you weren’t here we would talk

about raping him no

it’s a good looking guy but hey

hey come on not my style shut him down

shut him down his own

at least make the boy feel good hmm

so have you

let me ask red man one

quick question

have you ever had a homosexual experience

no yeah what

part the fuck is that

even if it’s just a little looking or

well you know what the is really he’s a girl so every

experience he has with girls is a homosexual experience

cause you’re a girl

so he’s like i’m a

girl i mean

technically the gayest

thing i ever did i used to play doctor with my friend

growing up but we played doctor on

other girls

so while you were

naked that was

kinda gay while you were naked

huh would you be

naked yeah we all be naked

three girls

and me and this guy but we were like

12 why would the doctor need to be naked huh

why is the doctor

named hey don’t ask questions

don’t ask questions

don’t ask questions

he’s a malpractice doctor

what the fuck i

smell of they

believed it they believed it

andy dick knows a

thing or two

about lawsuits he sees one coming

you might want to listen

when andy dick says you’re on the path to ruin wow

you better listen you

might as well

you might want

to pull over and read the map there’s nothing

wrong with tricking some

eight year old girls

well when you’re eight

when you’re eight

well i don’t

think you’re really

tricking them they’re all

tricking each

other well obviously

that wasn’t a good doctor like he said

doctors don’t take off

their clothes they doing some you porn

videos there’s a

few with the doctor takes office i

mean i am it must happen

you know because you always hear

about dentist molesting

their patients when they’re out yeah

it must it must be like

attractive doctors

you see that

we see yeah that was what that was steven root

steven root plays louis

ck’s dentist

yes and and he puts them under

and then he

starts he’s

literally just

tripping out and then he goes into a

dream and he’s i

saw my bin laden

he’s talking to osama

bin lana who

is i think that’s

chuck sklar yeah

chuck sklar

playing osama

and then he

starts osama or one of his

his minions of one of osama’s minions starts

giving him a banana

unveiled him go

just take it eat it

it’s a banana and just a banana

oh no no that’s steven root in the

dream yeah in the

dream it’s steven root

comes into his

dream saying it’s just a banana

take it but it’s

like i said the peel

still on it yeah

and he wakes up and then

and then steven reed is

zipping up the zipper and

going you’re done

there was nothing

wrong with your

teeth you’re

done you’re fine move it’s such a good episode it

was so hardcore

i love that

show even roots

stuck his dick in

louis c case

mouth as a dentist it must happen

all the time it does it happened to a friend of mine i

wrote a song

about it yeah what happened

he said that he got put

under but then he said that he liked it

and he would go back

he said he got put under

to the point

where the dentist fucked him

jesus christ

that’s crazy

he said he liked it he kept going back

he said he learned to like it and probably

learn to like if he was out cold how does he

learn to like you wake up with coming right

i don’t know i don’t know if he was alcohol i think

if i said that i take it back

i think he just got to the

place where it was he was just so

you know that

stuff is hardcore

i remember what is it called

nitrous oxide

nitrous oxide

i take it when if i have i

haven’t gone

to the dentist in years i really just i used to

sell it i’m afraid of it

but i remember just

i would always say i

would take it on your own without

a dentist no

no no at the dentist’s office

i would say

i would feel it and i’m

gonna i still

i don’t feel anything

it’s like i

would make them

turn it up and i can hear it going

i can hear it

going on i’m like i still

i still i really i still feel

completely normal but really i’m like

starting to roll

things are echoing like that

like i feel like a memory

then i start

streaming conscious

just so you can

crank it to the max

why is screaming

i started screaming

bring home the good doctor

how are you staying

awake are they

shocked that the dosage they’re able to give you i

think so your tolerance must be through the

room for everything out there

yeah must be

your body’s probably oh we got some new shit it

process it process it

we’re working boss double time double time

they’re just

mopping up whatever the fuck you’re taking in

they just a

whole crew a

cleanup crew like for the valdez oil spill

a bunch of dudes in orange suits

throughout your body

just ready to

rush off toxic

i’m telling you my body

is my friend

about three years ago said you

i’ve never seen anybody

drink as much as you do

i’m sending you to my doctors

a specialist

is gonna take

blood test is

gonna do a liver test a kidney test all

these fuck yes

after we got done fucking

oh you did it he put each other

every fucking test

and this is in the

midst of me drinking i said fine i’ll do it

cause you know you might be right and i wanna stay

alive i don’t wanna die right

every test came back and they said

you have the liver

of a fifteen year old soccer player

you are completely healthy your blood is

hundred percent

awesome you were drinking

all the time all the time but i was also fifteen

year old soccer player but i was also

drinking this i was also doing this and

and i and i do exercise like i said

back then i used to run five

miles a day all that

stuff is just

cleaning up all the alcohol and the exercise

but like i said i’m

stone cold sober

and i plan on being this way for a very long time

too many people have died

you know mike star

just about mike star yesterday

and mike do

you step on

austin chains

bassist yeah and he was on celebrity rehab they played

a clip on him on the opine anthony show this morning a

clip of him

calling in somewhere

and talking

to like a drug dealer or something like that you know

asking for weed and he’s just

slurring his words

it’s really hard to

understand what the fuck he’s saying yeah

i honestly believe god is putting this in my face

and saying you’re next mr dick

clean it up

my assistant flopping around on my

kitchen floor with

blood everywhere

why don’t you just get like a really big guy

as an assistant and so in like you’d pay i’m like look

don’t let me fucking ever

drink or that

doesn’t work

no no i have to just want it

that doesn’t work because

then you don’t know andy

and you try to

keep it away from him like that it’ll repress he’ll go

crazy and they’ll do

everything in your face i’m

drunk look i’m

drunk in your face

fucking right going

shots and you tell him your idea for a game show

it’s called let’s get andy dick arrested

and it’s what it is

it’s a show

they just where’s the game part

now that just just happens

naturally a

young boy in his

underwear rings your doorbell ding dong

you’re like come on in

cops tackle you

it’s like no no that’s a myth by the way i don’t go

after young girls or boys oh sixteen

seventeen every

every guy and

girl i’m with i have a girlfriend right now

she’s 21 you know they’re always in their

20 have you ever thought of having a tranny

that would seem like that you would be so attracted to

tranny chinese no

when i like

i like my women to be women

and i like my men to be men right

and i keep them separate

and i also don’t like threesomes i’ve had a couple

i like i’ll have a girlfriend i’ll be like

black guy is so cute let’s let’s have a threesome

and what it always happened

twice and i don’t do it anymore and ultimately

it’s those two you know i fuck and and then

and then he’s there and i’m kind of into him

but then they start fucking and then i’m

standing next to the bed going are you guys almost done

i don’t like it

i’ll never do it

again hilarious you should talk

about that on stage yes i just did that’s over

do you do standby

you can recreate that

do you still do stand up i gotta

start writing i do this

weird you’ve never seen my show i do this weird

conglomeration of

music and i tell stories like that i have

never told that

and like i said

music and i do characters at the very end

daphne aguilera

comes out i don’t know if you know that character

daphne aguilera you can go watch

it from your

mtv show yeah

i love that show by the way

thank you i love it coleman

i was the best

the best i went to e last

week and they said

because they’re talking

they want me

to do a show i’d be awesome and this is the

first time this has ever happened

what do you

wanna do andy what kind of show do you

wanna do i was dumbfounded i was like

you’re asking me like what i

wanna do right

maybe they’re doing that with you

because you’re

very very popular and with the fear factor

audience and what

yeah like you’re just

happy you’re just comfortable

probably for the rest of your life but

i gotta get a show

going and i said

and i was like

i was cornered and i didn’t

i wasn’t expecting

that kind of question what do you want to do andy

but immediately i said i want to do the andy

dick show again

do it again no

right so fucking

great you never saw it

i did i saw the

marilyn manson

sketch was awesome i

also because i just posted it

today because somebody was asking

about no i’d seen it before

years ago yeah

it’s very funny i love your music too

thank you yeah

i mean you a lot of people don’t even know that you

do me but he

is one a great

musician a great

song environment for you like a

crazy stay tuned

itunes i have

three albums

yeah what happened to it

what happened why did it get cancelled

what was the

issue do you remember lisa no

you don’t remember lisa she was an intern newsradio

the blonde girl that became your

girlfriend remember tony

remember tony

at pearlston gray

i remember her walking into that dark

stage twenty four what was it to

you because you’re so high

you don’t remember

i’m not that high you’re not high anymore at all

right now yeah i’m high but

i’m not that high i just don’t remember the number the

stage i probably

wouldn’t remember don’t get

angry please

see this is what he

thinks is angry i’m

still thinking

no no i can hear i can

hear it all this here

building up

crazy sauce

he builds up

crazy socks

and when he wonders why i go andy shut the fuck up

just so angry

it’s not angry

for no reason it’s never

angry for no reason

it’s reacting to your insanity trying

to anyhow overcome

the environment that you’re in

tony walked in

with this girl

and i swear to god

there was in this dark

stage it felt like there was a shaft

like a beam of

light just coming down on her

and she was shut she was

lighting up yours

actually had to be mine

and tony looked over at me and she told me this

later she said that tony said

look you can date anyone

you want in hollywood

don’t date andy

so the same

thing exact

happened like

a big guy trying to keep andy from

drinking he

she immediately

felt pressure to date andy andy was the forbidden

fruit yes he

sealed the deal he held

that sentence

he sealed the deal of course because we went out

for five years for him she was working for five years

the most power for her

woman she’s

still to me it was my

glass ceiling on women

so what happened

wanted if she’s married

we were both

crazy no the tv show you said it fall

apart because of this girl i was

that that was the

i was sober

three years of sobriety

and she really helped i

said that sobriety

you put an extra

syllable in there i don’t know

but she was

key in keeping me sober but

i basically replaced drugs and alcohol

with her pussy

i mean i fucked her there was one time

one day i fucked her nine times in a day

i mean i just

just couldn’t

keep my dick out of her if it was my choice

i would just have my dick in her and i go

everywhere with my dick inside of her i

couldn’t fuck her enough

and i fucked her so

one of those

things to where you wonder

when you’re like i can’t believe she’s fucking me

every time she was so hot

every time so you remember she

was a ten right

oh god like an eleven

and she’s married now with kids

she married madonna’s guitar player now they’re

gonna be able to find her

she’s gonna hate that i’m talking about

whoopsies yep sorry

you weren’t married to her were you no we

could have gotten married we really were in love i was

but you know it was lust

lost because i remember not really

her company i didn’t enjoy just just wanted to shut

up take clothes off let me

for five years

you kept it

going with just shut up take your clothes off i

wouldn’t say that but i yeah

you know did you put her on your show

yeah i put on yeah

you can see her on the show yeah

if you go to andydict com i

spent 10 grand to put up

everything that i’ve ever written and directed

oh cool and if you go to the it’s called awesome

video clues whatever

you go there and yet and all these little buttons go

boom boom boom the one that has

dave grohl’s

face from the foo fighters

it’s very tiny you really

have to look and find it’s hard for me to even find

it is the one that she’s in she’s in a couple

she’s also in the

the humpographer

that outcast is in

i had all these

great people

on my show captain

griffin so i

still didn’t explain how did the show fall

apart because i

because i stopped

putting any any

attention or

effort or i i

the show was like a pain in my ass like

i can’t i don’t i don’t want to work i don’t want to

write i don’t wanna

look at what the writers are writing i don’t

wanna rewrite i don’t wanna

even show up to work i gotta pro

i’m like trying to hang on to my girlfriend

and this horrible situation

started happening with her and a celebrity

really yeah it was bad oh he was fucking her yeah

oh carrie coleman

you were trying to hang on to her yeah

and then i you want to name the guy

well i used to talk

about it but i don’t well then it’s already out there

then let them find it

i don’t wanna

bring it up because i forgive it it’s not his

fault of course it’s not

the weird thing is

we’re at real food daily

we’re sitting down

and he comes up and i knew him he’s a very

famous movie star

and i’m like

oh hey meet my

girlfriend lisa

you know what he

teaches acting classes

you should take

classes with him he’s

great he’s like the best in town

oh i know who’s coming

don’t say it

what is his

first initial

jay yeah because he probably did it with you no no i

heard stories

and then i would say within weeks they’re fucking

yeah he did it to a friend of mine

the same all over the friend of mine was he was

dating an accident

and they were at

they were at listen to this

they were at his house

and the phone rang

i guess his

girlfriend was living with them

the phone rang at like

three o’clock

in the morning and this guy is on the answering machine

like he calls out and she

jumps out of bed to answer the call and then takes the

phone and leaves the room right

yeah like was there any

movie playing on the tv

joe i had i

started joe that

might give a hint

no don’t don’t don’t don’t because i don’t want

it wasn’t the fly

there’s no movie

i don’t know what you’re talking

about well it’s just talking about like you remember

what listen i’m not

gonna tell my story don’t hate the player

i had a story good

about well i started

well i started to record conversations i have tapes of

those guys talking yeah

tapes of her and him talking about

how to get rid of me whoa

they were kidding whoa

why don’t you go on a vacation

and you can take it literally this is one of them

and take a picture of him

like at the grand canyon near a

cliff and just tell him to keep backing up

whoa oh it got really sickening whoa that’s whoa

someone’s talking about killing you you gotta pee again

you got a urinary tract infection

you mean evans premium lager

evans premium lager when i

drink i like to

drink when you come back

you just saving

up for a comeback wow this is the strangest

podcast of all time how

bizarre is this podcast it’s pretty great

you enjoying it yeah i

think this is the best

thing ever the best

thing ever i

would love to do this

every week with andy

dick i think it

would be the best

you and i have

completely different taste

why would this be the best

thing because you guys are

you guys act like an old married

couple and it’s so fascinating

we always did i know but it’s so fascinating to

watch because

it’s it’s like

not like a normal person that

you know forced into this sort of a dichotomy it’s

great i fucking love it

you’re welcome

i used my strong

stream of urination to

clean off the globules

of shit that were stuck

inside yeah that’s so

funny you said that i

cleaned it off thank you

do you do you have like ass

explosions no no the girl that was

spent the night last night did

i’m talking there was

it’s not who i

bet you’re not

nothing nothing

how long have we been on like

more than an hour we usually do two

hours oh i’m ready

like an hour and a half in

i’m into it somewhere like that

don’t you hate when you’re trying to

clean the shit and it just won’t

come off with your pee so you try harder and harder

yeah fuck well i did

i got poop stories i got every

you got a lot

of people off

there’s one that’s kind of

under the rim

i have to run you ever had a guy i don’t

even know how it got there

um no and i’m

what’s the oh man

because i fucked its well because i peed on both

are a couple of umers

oh you have people

inch only like one

at the roseville

hotel at the hotel everybody was in

i just thought it was funny

everybody was in the hot tub guys and girls and i

i only will

do it if i know they can wash it off i’ll do it like

i’ll pee on people in the shower

cause you can wash

it right off

and it’s fine i’ll pee on i peed on lisa i peed on my

boyfriends and

girlfriends

what the fuck i’m just

rinse it off we’re in the fucking shower

so here they are there’s a

bunch of people i remember only one of

my friends he was a fat guy

it’s not a sexual thing from it’s more

getting fun me

i’m laughing hysterically

and i’m just and

they sit there and it takes them

like at least five or ten

seconds to realize even what’s

going on because it’s so unheard of

but i’m just peeing

going in a circle peeing on all of them like

what is going

and then they

scream and they’re like

ah and then you know they have to wash it off

joey diaz was at a gay club once

he tells this story it’s

like who is he joey diaz’s

funniest guy that’s ever lived wow

stand up comedian

he’s a buddy of ours he was at a gay club

and there was a big line to go to the bathroom

and there was a guy in a bathtub

like lying there in his

underwear and it just had a sign that said spit on me

and people would walk by and spit on him

while the club was going on and there’s this giant line

to go to the bathroom i really almost

threw so joey goes

hey you mind if i piss on you

the guy goes sure go ahead

so joey because he didn’t want to wait in line

to go all the

way to the bathroom just pissed on i don’t like it

see i don’t i have a weak stomach for that shit i make

you sick really i

really have you’re

so strange i will always

do it in the

water they were in

the water the other one

and everyone else is in the shower but

it’s disgusting i saw

a thing of i shouldn’t be

alive that show

have you seen that show yes i

should not be

alive what it was called

and there was this this this family a couple and two

daughters and then

they were dying in the desert

and then the little girl said mommy

can i tell you something my

teacher said you can

drink your own pee

and then so the mother

urinated in a bottle

and made and the daughter

drank it she

drank it the one that didn’t drink it

her kidneys shut down she

started to die

she was practically dead but she did come they rescued

everybody and they came back to life

wow yeah but even

watching that show my

point was that i

started i had to plug my ears

when they showed

her like reenacting

pissing in the bottle

and they showed a yellow liquid and they showed him

drinking it and

even knowing it was a reenactment i was

still like really

gonna throw up

that’s hilarious

all the shit

that you’ve done

you watch a guy

drink piss that

freaks you out

girls if you girls

drink piss it

whether is a guy or girl guy or girl

i’ve drunk pissed before

no you have this sure

for what reason you ever

heard of urine therapy i hear

guy you wake

up in the morning you

drink your own

fresh urine i

can’t believe you did that i tried it

for how many days i

tried a couple of times

i did it once on a

radio what did

it taste like for real it

doesn’t taste that bad it’s

sterile first of all

i know it’s

completely sterile and i know some

you know i mean is it salty

stuff in it

is you know like vitamins and minerals and you know

so you drink

come but not

piss no i don’t

drink come even the

smell of my own come makes me dry

have you ever tasted it

accidentally

but what about

other guys come

especially other guys that’s disgusting it’s

absolutely disgusting if you had to

drink one which one

would be p the

smell of your own come

freaks you out

it doesn’t freak me out my stomach

starts to turn i

start so how do you get involved in gay

activities then he’s not about the

load get me the fuck out of here let me know

that i like to see a load

shoot out i love

this it’s exciting

what about joe’s load

shut the fuck up

causing troubles over there

safely i want to

know you didn’t answer my question i really am curious

does pee taste

salty yeah it

tastes a little

salty it doesn’t

it’s really not that bad it’s all in your head when you

drink it it’s like nothing you

gotta watch the

video i made a

video of him

drinking his pe call it

san fran pisco

yeah we’re in

san francisco

i made a deal with the the dj i’m like

i’m like i’m because it was they were talking

about leo to machida

who’s was the

ufc light heavyweight

champion who is a

this japanese and brazilian guy

who is into

like ancient

medicine and that’s one of the

things that

his father always

taught him to

drink your urine in the morning it’s got all

this you know

i hear it is very very

very good i don’t know i mean it’s a probably bullshit

you know i just

tried it i didn’t really totally believe in it

but i tried it because a friend of mine

who had also been into that

kind of shit he’s like into being a shaman and all that

stuff he’s drinking his

urine when he’s done mushroom trips

and he told me because

that’s how you get really high

when you do a mushroom trip

when you urinate the

psilocybin actually comes out in your

urine and then you drink that

again and it reprocessed through

system and you just go bob

boom we just

shoot you through

the wall that’s something i

might do yeah it

apparently that’s the way to get

super completely

blitzkrieged on mushrooms have you done mushrooms yeah

yeah if i drink my own pee

right now would you

throw up yeah not

throw up i’d

start dry heave

anyway what i was saying is we did it on this

radio show it’s not a big deal

the guy dry heave

dude no name from san francisco

he was all dry heaven when he did it but i just

drank it it’s really

once you get past it is in your mind in

my mind being

on fear factor for six years dude i saw people

get past some gnarly show there are

things on there

that seem to be illegal

now they were all

legal no like some of

those dead animals or like animal parts

yeah they need to cook

really yeah

everything we did we did did

anybody get sick

ever yeah they got like diarrhea

sec but never like in trouble

but we did have a problem here’s something

for the folks at home

if you are allergic to shellfish

you’re also allergic to roaches

really yeah because i guess

i guess there’s

shit there that they have that exoskeleton

yeah whatever it is that makes you allergic

am i right about that

their bones are actually on the outside of

their skin sure yeah

i mean that is what a cockroach and a lobster and

shelf i could eat

bugs if they were cooked

because it seemed like a crunchy

no i’m telling

you it’s not the big deal it’s on your head you

did a roach

i ate a big madagascar hissing cockroach

it was no big deal

wrong and alive

alive i just

i don’t know

it’s all in your head i’d seen so many people do it

i’m eating as i’m eating i’m like there’s nothing bad

about this is not that bad at all

tasty doesn’t

taste good but it didn’t

taste terrible

like i would totally eat a gang of them if i was

starving to death

maybe if i was

starving chew

those motherfuckers no

i don’t believe it

he’s so bad

let me smell it

that’s not your piss bro

yeah i do want to says not your piss bro

let me i do want to

smell it full of shit i’m gonna

throw up just is it warm

you fucking liar it’s apple juice you’re weak

interrupt our fucking

train of thought for that well he wanted to see me

listen if i

smelled it i’d

start driving

what were you talking

about before you came in

the cockroaches oh

i could only eat them if they were cooked

and salted then i

could eat them

i’m telling you the flavor is not that bad

the much more

impressive shit was when people

ate like habanero peppers

i can do that yeah i can do it

where sweat is dripping out of my

scalp have you ever

watched those

videos online

where people eat

those ghost chilies

there’s one

sort of a pepper

i forget what it’s called

i forget the actual technical name for it but it was

crazy that’s the name of it that’s like you

heard of it

red band and it’s insanely powerful

like many many many times

worse than a habanero

you can die kind of well i don’t know if you can die i

guess you probably could

but when people take it they make

videos of them taking it

cause they’re in agony

fucking screaming

screaming agony

and then there’s some people that like there’s a

woman in india

who eats them like their

candy and then

rubs them on her eyes and nothing happens

it’s like this

bitch is like immune to it somehow or another

you know i love that

i love that

stuff you know you can get immune to

poison oak yeah by

there’s two

ways and i did it i did i did one of the ways

one of the ways is you pick

and you have to pick it

with like a napkin so you don’t

touch it with your skin

which is weird

but you pick the tiny little baby

red leaves this is poison oak

which is all over california

the tiny little baby red

leaves with a napkin the

shiny shiny oily tiny ones

and you put it

in your mouth a

bunch of them

and chewing

chewing chewing

chewing chewing

chewing and swallow them

and you’re immune

i did that what uh huh but the better way

which seems better

is you get a

goat i’m doing we’re doing this in my we have

three acres

i actually have 30 acres

really into

pink i’m not

like down and out just so you know i just

don’t have liquid cash right

but anyhow you get a goat we’re

gonna get a

bunch of goats

maybe one or two or

three we’re

gonna own them

in our property

where we live there’s

three acres and there’s a ton of

fucking poison oak

just this morning i had to mend fences

right before my assistant had a

seizure i was mending fences because

their dogs are

getting out and the neighbors are complaining and

i have a wolf by the way

he’s 90 wolf

swear to god

what are you doing with a wolf you can see a

picture of him on

my twit pic account or whatever

those you can’t

trust those fucking things

i am a little

worried you didn’t

trust wolves

wolves are not dogs man

you get one of

those 90 wolves

i had a friend who had a

three quarter wolf and i was

like this is you are just taking chances here want to

bring it to a farm to letting it stay with a friend

the thing killed like

twenty sheep

yeah it just went over and had a

blood orgy of

sheep well he’s

gonna have a

great meal when we get

these good hop

this dude’s fence

hop this dude’s fence

and got in the

sheep pen and just

slaughtered

he might have been

in the collected dog

covered in blood

he came back and they had to like lie

to the guy wanted to kill him the next door neighbor

who was the farmer wanted to kill him because he killed

twenty of his fucking

sheep because

they’re covered in

blood every

sheep just had his

throat torn out and that’s

and didn’t even kill the i mean didn’t even eat the

sheep just tore

their throats out

and went back home and had some dog food

he is displaying

some disturbing behavior already sure he’s dominating

you how old is he no he’s not dominating me no the two

other dogs dominate him

he’s a puppy

but a puppy is

still this tall

this tall look

look he’s like

three feet tall

but the thing is is he

he is he’s getting

these gophers in

these rats i’ve seen

a rat or a gopher and i’ve seen the tail

slurp into his

mouth and down his

throat like spaghetti

he just like swallows

these things he’s

gonna get diseases

to you got to be careful is up there eating rats

can i tell i don’t remember

you gotta be careful

there’s the

story red band

i was in the middle

you’re in the middle of talking

about this goddamn

monster you live with

you gotta be real

who is the poison

oak or you do

you get the

go dog listen to this if you have poison oak

get it get some goats let them eat the point

they love poisoning and the go smoke

yeah exactly

but they eat that they eat the roots and all

the pull it out so there’s no poison oak in your yard

you drink the goats

you’re immune

and you drink the goats

okay shouldn’t you you know this for a fact

you’re encouraging people to eat

yeah what if the

throat closes up and don’t

you know what

don’t you say the joe welkin

experience is not responsible for any of

these ideas that any dick has

we do not endorse

them or support them nor have we researched them

and i believe it’s probably

we’ll have someone looking i did it and it worked

and i have not gotten it

since because i had

i’m very susceptible

to it and i’ve broken out like like

leper you’re so into

health and you’re so into like vitamins and supplements

and you always have been used to eat raw cloves

of garlic and when you it’s always been oh there’s

others there’s like five cloves of raw

garlic in here so how are you that and then also this

i don’t know what is it

do you ever go to therapy

about that shit oh yeah i’ve had

multiple when i was having trouble with lisa

and that other person

i had three therapists at the same time i

would go from one tell

them all different stories

see which one works best

no there was one time

i have an idea i mean how many people go to therapy

in hollywood

for real just because they need an audience

you need someone who wants to

focus 100 on

their thought

of that there’s a lot of it dude that’s what i used to

think when we were on newsradio

that was the most i had ever known

that was the

first time i’d ever really been around actors and i

never knew how many people were on therapy

and i’m like i’m sure some of

these people

are actually getting helped by this but how many of

these people are just

probably every cast

member was going to therapy on

our show right

but i remember one time

one of my therapists this is during the lisa

phase and i was

i couldn’t sleep

i would lay there and the

thing is that she was playing us both she was

still seeing me

and seeing him

and i would lay in my bed

shoes at the same time horrible

i was waiting home and

go down on her and she’s all salty

no but i would imagine him i would imagine

him i would imagine him going down on her like this

spitting on her pussy so resolve that you know the fly

i like my that’s

that’s great i forgot that scene what a great flick

well at least he’s talented

okay i really have forgiven him it’s not his

fault it’s not his fault

except the fucking ground

or anything is kind of creepy

trying to come up with i still have

those tapes too

you should release those

maybe listen but with morph

his voice and change his name to mr mr silly pants

and you know people draw

their own conclusions because you’ve already talked

about him before this

this one therapist i was i told him

i called him it says this is an emergency um

i really i’d like to come in and see you

my girlfriend

at the time actually she we were both in hell she

wrote a suicide note

and i think

she’s gonna commit suicide i really

i don’t know what to do cause i

think i’m responsible and i don’t know what to do

and he literally said

okay well listen i got a skedaddle

said that phrase they

called you a

drama queen without saying it yeah

i got a skedaddle

yeah that’s exactly what it was he just called you a

drama queens like

maybe i was

okay you cried wolf

again how funny is he cry wolf and you have a wolf

yeah i don’t cry wolf i always

think it’s real

that’s the thing it’s yeah but it you’re right

i have a wolf

and people think i cry well

so do you think it’s

you know i had a conversation with dave foley

about you when we were on

really did the podcast on the air

yes and well one of the

things we were talking

about is how i said that andy

always needs

like a handler you need someone to just sort

of guide you and keep you like just

generally out of

trouble and the one not anything

about news radio i’m not you know

i believe you

but one of the

great things

about news radio was that

there was work for you to do

it was like there was very rewarding very

you know it was very good writing the character

was great and you really sunk

your teeth into

it we were so

lucky dude you know

great i love step

back and look about it

i come on man how

lucky were we

was the best i

never forget the moment i

met andy i met him on the set and then he came into my

dressing room

and this is nineteen ninety four and like

again no acting

experience i

don’t remember no

no actors and didn’t

and andy sitting there

and he goes do you

think you’re

gonna be famous

i did yeah and i go i don’t know

and he goes i know i’m gonna be

really i know it

i go you really think so

100 definitely

i’m gonna be

famous wow i’m

ready trippy

yeah you were just fired up

about i remember being

famous oh i hate it now

that’s why i live in a shed

hello when you’re

doing whatever you were you were back then

that’s that

thing though

man you just trying to make it happen i actually when

people come up to me and they because i got a lot of

young people say

andy make me

famous or i want to be famous

i yell at them i’m like why there’s

you you want to do good work

right fuck that fame part like

i look at people like sam rockwell

or paul giamatti

yes these are people i look up to

do great work

they’re famous yes

but they’re

they can still go out

and and for the most part they’re unrecognizable

yeah or or even

that one guy

people come by cool people come up to you but not

freaks well trying to freak some yeah

probably especially paul giamatti

he gets weirded on

i love sideways but you see

that is great i love it did you see moon i love it

i fucking love it i worked with his girlfriend

leslie leslie bibb i hope they’re

still together she’s cool as fuck she’s the hot

chick in talladega nights

she plays my ex girlfriend

girlfriend those guys have to be

yeah because

you know those they’re not in a challenge

they’re just doing good i

could have had that if i wasn’t you’re right i was like

just a fucking

three well what makes you so good

is that you’re so fucking

crazy you gotta

i understood that about me what makes me so good is

that the crazy rage that i had

when i was younger all that energy

on all that’s inside me unbridled

always running around in circles we both locked

out we both looked out that we had news radio

to harness a

harness yeah

and the outlet

could come through

the brilliant writing like you said

paul sims and and and joe

joe fury and josh

remember josh

and and air force challenge

all those guys

who remember drake say

drake say their shot

unfortunately yeah

or love that guy he wrote

that he’s the one who

wrote that vh1 fashion well he wrote zoolander

did he really he

wrote zoolander i was you know i was supposed to be

will ferrell’s part you know that are you serious

yes yes i did the

table read it was written for me by drake say there

drake say the

wrote the fashion awards

shorts that i did

where i played the character

yeah that’s my character then we turned it into a

movie we put

derek zoolander and because ben was doing his

shorts i was doing my show

we put them together we

wrote zoolander

you know they

wrote it and i did the

table read and then i got

stuck on this show called go fish it went

six episodes

with macaulay

culkin’s younger brother

kieran culkin and you couldn’t

leave and they said

you just got out of rehab and you

can’t rock the boat you can’t do that zoolander movie

ben stiller

thought it was too

crazy well they said you can’t walk away from

your tv show oh

and i said ben

stiller was calling me at home

saying just walk away from it i do it all the time yeah

and i looking back do you realize what

it what a fork in the road that was and i went down the

wrong fucking one

horrible he’s so hot

right now some badass shit

i’m not into that meet the focus

movie but god damn was tropic thunder good yeah he i

he’s he’s on

cloud nine and we’re

not friends anymore and i don’t know why what happened

i don’t know what did you do andy

i think he’s running for office

is he i don’t know they’re

trying to like separate himself

and really get away

yeah just really snipping the core well

you must feel that like you know i told you that i was

gonna be in burbank and so let’s do it here

and you you immediately online or

tweeting guess joe

doesn’t want me at my at his

house and even

tweeted that you even sent me a text

okay i guess you don’t want me knowing

where you live i mean but

in his defense

he immediately texted me back saying

that’s not it at all

you can come by anytime

some other time i just happened to be in burbank

and that’s where we want to do yeah but you’re you’re

i really did immediately thought

totally get it

i get it you don’t want me to

to see jess your

girl and you don’t want

to meet and meet your kids how many kids if you if you

have two if you are outside

if you are sober for a year

you can hang out at my

house anytime you want okay

oh i will we

need to fucking put you

through the

love it gives me you

gotta know though that people

think that like okay you know you know how you over

here it yeah i have a carrot

you know what i have now hanging here

what shows cock meaty

thick and meaty

you gotta record that

funny thing that we said when we were on the set

all of us did we said you know when this

thing is falling apart if it does

we gotta figure out a way to all work together

because we had such a

crazy chemistry the

best what a sitcom we

could put together right now and dave foley i were

just do news radio but do it podcast

the only time i worked with any of any of

anybody from news radio again was

maura she got me on

er i played a really great character on er

i ran into maura once at one of

those a couple times when she was on

er and i was on fear factor and we got

drunk together like the old days

you know like

those those nbc

things and we had fun i was like god man

we have all we had all had such a

crazy connection it was that was such an unusual cast

it was no we didn’t always get

along great like you know you and

i we got in arguments but we always made up always we

always we always

brought it around

but when we had fun dude we had fucking fun

those sets after

after we were done filming

we had parties yeah the crew

yeah the crew is

around we even

the nurse remember that guy who was the

nurse yeah that

guy was cool

creepy massages

was it creepy dandy i

love he was a great guy

no i’m just bullshitting

about the creepy massages he was a

i do remember here’s the one thing that

don’t give the fucking

punchline away

but the very first week

we’re rehearsing these

radio and that were in the first week

and there was

somebody else playing joe’s part do not give it away

because i don’t even know if you know the story and

we’re like in day one day two day

three i don’t know what’s

going on but

we’re rehearsing we’re doing

table reads

and this guy

that’s playing joe’s part before joe came on board

is coming to me saying

i don’t think they’re liking what i’m doing

and i’m going

dude you’re so fucking awesome you’re subtle

you’re real i love it and i

think they love it they’re just not

if they’re not

laughing they’re not

laughing big deal

if you’re doing

great the next day

his seat was

empty we went a

whole day with no one by the way

you weren’t there yet

he had been fired

and that guy was

ray romano wow

did you you knew that yes

yeah i knew it and i didn’t take over for ray i took

over for the guy who took over for oh you’re right

they brought then they brought another guy in

and that guy who

fucking shit the bad was a summer

but he was funny too i’m lumped

gonna tell you

he i bet he’s working

i bet i don’t remember who he

yeah i don’t know what it was

but he’s working because i remember seeing him later

but then the then

on date like on friday it was like the last day

before because remember

we used to film on a tuesday or something we’re like

right so on the last day that you that we

could have before we had our camera

blocking day monday

joe shows up

and stays and nailed it

but nailed it like

like paul sims

loved you i

loved him too yeah do you talk to him

not really me neither i called him

anybody i called him when i saw that he was one of the

consulting producers i think on

boardwalk empire

right maybe

i don’t know no he was on the

flight of the conchords oh

fly the concords i cause

that’s just fucking awesome

and we’re talking

catching up and

he invited me

to his wedding and i didn’t go out i didn’t yeah

i couldn’t go

i had a gig

i don’t remember why i didn’t i was probably in a bad

place but and we’re talking how we

feel bad about not

going to weddings i do

too i wish i

hate all of them

i don’t want to go to any of them

i don’t either i have so many friends that have been

divorced and there’s so many of them that are in this

marital wreck and owe so much

money dave foley

came on the podcast and i was crying dude

he owes so much fucking money

he’s supposed to be paying

three times what he makes

every month welcome to my worst

i’ve been reading his

tweets i know fuck he

can’t go to canada they’re

gonna arrest him

he owes a half a million dollars up there it’s chaos

they got him

at the peak of his earning of his entire life it’s

completely unreal it’s not real and that’s

news right now

he’s not making

that money anymore

that’s crazy

money you’re on a network

sitcom and by the way

that’s normal yeah

and that yeah

so yeah it’s

anyway so when people ask me to go to

their wedding i’m like fuck

a friend of mine this is no bullshit

this fucking guy

lost everything

he lost every i talk

about him on

stage cause i

have this this bit

about divorce do i know i’m no no you don’t know he’s a

great guy and he lost

everything in his

first what manny his

second wife

came along during the

first marriage

broke up his

first marriage he

married the

second one and the

second wife didn’t want a prenup

and they had a

fight for it

and this guy lost

everything in the first one

it’s like and then he’s like i want you to come my

marriage and i’m like

jesus christ

you’re going to another goddamn execution

i’ll never get

married again

i’ll never get

married again

i understand it

with children and that’s why i did it you know i’m like

jesus christ if

you’re willing to have children it’s very important to

raise the kids i live in the show

but it was important for her i know it’s

ridiculous we

important for her so i did it

but i think it’s

absolutely ridiculous

that you’re

gonna bring in a

bunch of people that you don’t know

and they’re

gonna be a part of this

agreement that’s your relationship that

never worked out all

based on the

fact that when it

falls apart

just assuming that all of us are

gonna be irrational

and greedy and

occasionally it occasionally

works out to be fair

very occasionally

that’s not a

marriage that i’m

worried about

it’s this divorce

it’s not the

idea of being bonded if you’re together you’re together

who cares if you’re together on

paper if you’re together legally

it’s when you can’t get away from each

other it’s ridiculous

the divorce is the most

ridiculous aspect

of marriage

but you’re married you’re

married yeah yeah yeah

and you start putting in like you

start putting in you factor in how much lawyers make

and then how the

with my buddy

he had to pay for his wife’s lawyer

i had it with the girl i’m living with now i said look

let’s come to an

agreement and not

bring lawyers in because when you

bring lawyers in you’re taking

food out of our kids

mouth true and you’re putting it

up the fucking lawyers ass yeah and i paid

tens of thousands of dollars

maybe up upwards of hundreds how

about my friend paid millions

uh who i’m not telling you i’m not

telling you is a big he’s got cash and

he went through

one the more you have the more they can take

two and a half years

he went through a relationship

a divorce where he was paying for two lawyers

at the same time that’s why i’d rather live in the shed

i let my ex

take my money goes

right to her

i’m like you know what i’m done with this fucking shit

i don’t need anything

as long as i have my 52 inch flat screen

plasma whatever hd

all that with the

sound and all and

with this one necessities i

just need the very bare minimums and to be with my kids

that’s beautiful good food

and then you can have

all the rest of it you fucking cunt

well how did

you get we know it’s i know you’re saying

just leave the

world i’m fucking

the world is

not done with it

and you know if you want

to try to take

money from me

i don’t have it it’s all

it goes to her

what you take my tv because that’s

all i got now i got my tv and my dogs i’m over it

all my money

i don’t even know

sometimes i ask her did a couple

checks come in

oh yeah yeah we’re fine we’re fine

i don’t even really know

where do you envision yourself

i’m gonna get another show

yeah i already know this people are

starting to come by i ice

do you think

that in the

light of this trilogy

and shit though they help

they’re worried

about you it helped me why

actually there was a guy rob riggles

you know him

you know him

he had a show last year

it didn’t go through

but i went in and tested i went you know

what they want me to audition turn the tv on

you know and you can see me

you don’t audition for things

oh yeah i do i go and i go you know what fuck it i

humble myself

and i go okay you know what i’ll roll my

sleeves up and i’ll show them how it’s done

and i go in

i do it and ted wass

the director

said rob riggles jumped out i didn’t know who he was

he jumped up in the room and said i want to do the

scene with you and i went

why who are

you and he’s like i’m the lead i’m the guy that

wrote it or i’m the lead

oh fuck i’m so i’m

sorry and we did the

scene we were

laughing we’re having a

great time i

leave ted was

calls me at home and says

you know you’re the

you’re the number one guy

and there was no one there wasn’t even a close

second you’re the guy that’s great and

what i’m asking but no he

was charlie sheen

thing listen okay

was on cbs and

everybody wanted

me and then they went to cbs and said we

found our guy this is just for a

small part right the band leader like it was in high

school and i’m like the band you know

you know i’m once

again some some

some homosexual

you know some

crazy i wonder

where anybody

would get that okay anyhow

so he said you know i just want to let

you know that you’re number one everybody wanted you

we went to cvs and cvs said

no thank you we can’t hire andy

dick we already have one of those

his name is charlie

shane so how’s that helping you bro well

that asks you if it helped you

and obviously

that took a job away from you it’s not help that was

along that was that was

year that was like last year

now he’s out you really

think the perception has

changed that much in 12 months

you think that him it’s going

it’s gonna be fine i’m

gonna it’s gonna be a slow

steady climb

hey come on help

me out i’m helping you out

i help you out i

might not get

on a network show tomorrow i’m not i know i’m not

going andy i’m just but i’m

gonna have you

all reality i i know how

you brilliant i’m

gonna have a

small little show

and you’re gonna

fucking come on and try and help me out i will help you

absolutely it’s

gonna be a small

little thing

i don’t even need

money anymore here’s my

question i’m

gonna go to a network like an e type situation i’m

gonna be able to do a show

and you don’t need

money to be

funny it’s not

about money

you just you know you can be

funny and you don’t need

money right

i need you though well what you to come on i’m

gonna need my friends

to you i don’t have that many

left i need people to rally

up around me and help me out you

to have a show like that to have like some sort of a

sketch show like the old andy dick show you

you could totally pull that together yeah

because you don’t need

money to do that

it’s cheap i

know yeah you just need i just

heard talented

i listened to

kevin pollock’s podcast because he had dave

thomas on and i was

an sctv fanatic when i was like 12

or whatever

i used to record it on

on a little

radio shack

cassette recorder

right and like listen back to it all shitty

sounding and laughs so

you can actually hear me

laughing on the cassette

thing and and

and he and and sctv

what’s done back in the day

the budget of

every episode

three thousand dollars

that’s incredible

well with the internet 3

000 for you

could do your own

thing on the internet i know you did for a

while you had that one

weird interview show

house arrest with auntie dick yeah

where you have no

money involved

was that my

house and i you

should have come on that

i don’t know

what happened it just

ended just ended up

you know what

for a long time i didn’t have your number and

like yeah we

didn’t there was no twitter it wasn’t that easy down

touch now you got in

touch with me through twitter like that it’s

like we just

started talking

again yeah yeah i’m glad yeah

yeah i’m glad i’m glad

we got to do a

2011 version of the odd couple

that would be awesome me and

me that would be

awesome the x

jock character and my

sexually ambiguous

who’s out of control for a

sloppy one though

is it you or what

we have who’s the more anal

well in the

doesn’t have to be that way

there was one guy i say was saying well

you know i think

neither one of us

completely have our shit together

but obviously you i

think you do

it’d be more

out of control no in real life though you have your

shit together or i keep it together but it’s a constant

bound really yeah

what why the pot i’m a fucking savage

the pot no i’m a

violent rage aholic

a nice guy trapped in the body of a violent

he’s a raging holland

but i’m not

i just is frightening i just work out a lot

i have a lot of energy i have a lot of aggressive

energy just always have

loved that i mean

i was attracted

to it ew stop it

disgusting i think

a lot of people are but you know

i keep it completely and totally together

but i do it with

body maintenance i have to make sure i work out a lot

i have to make sure that i get in the tank a lot

you know i think all of

us are struggling no one is just getting through life

everything is perfect that’s why you have to

remember that

that’s what you have to remember

no you think

about your problems you

think about how

what hell you’re in

everybody well it’s also what

causes your

problems i have way way way less problems now

than i did when i was younger because i

understand life better

understand myself exactly

i understand my own behavior

don’t you wish that you

could be you

and i could be me with what we know

and how we are and how

i actually think our chemicals

literally changed

we could go back

with with this this this

this knowledge or whatever

these chemicals coursing through our veins

and start over

no i don’t want to start over

you’re in a different

place but i know that i could

i could just

but you know it’s not even

starting over any

i have some

i have that you

have makes you you though

i’m sure you do that

makes you you

get where it

also makes you humble because

quite honestly anybody that wants to be

famous anyone who wants to

be successful you’re saying it’s an impossible

struggle with ego

you struggle with the idea of

grandiose ideas like

being better than you really are being

this amazing person that deserves

all of this attention you know

the humiliating moments the humbling moments actually

really kind of

round you off so

you can’t do it’s impossible to do what i just said

except that

i can do it

what i do now is i say you know what

i am i can do that i can

start right now

with what i know

and with the chemicals that are my natural

who i am i feel different

well you are like a different

learn you’ve

learned over the years i can

start over starting now and that’s

also part of shedding

everything off

and i didn’t know pun intended the shed

i got rid of

everything i own

i gave it away

it sounds very helpful i had so much

your approach

sounds like

the correct people

think i’m doing

bad i’m doing better than i’ve done in years

you feel mentally

physically yes

i think you have to exercise too dude i do

i just went on i just went

on an hour and a half hike yesterday also important

to the holiday

it’s one of those

things that

sounds so frivolous when people talk

about exercise you say you

should work out like oh what you want to look

great so you have a big once

again tell it

tell it to make damn

tell it to me

imagine that i

think it’s so

important it’s not a

hand dude or her

bicep did you

hear yeah i

heard him i

tried not to hear him every day

motherfucker

what are you

i don’t really know the podcast

that well you guys have that kind of like oh he’s

silly he’s not really bumping is this your house yes

and then all your

equipment yeah

this is like

expensive shit

yeah well this

podcast is for real son

it started off it was just a

webcam oh so you

started it together yeah oh cool

how many years has it been

brian is my

video editor he’s been

working with me forever he makes all the you see any

crazy videos you see online

is really well edited

stuff it’s all his work you know

which one fascinated me and i did see this the

it’s probably old news to you but the carlisle

yeah i did that

i loved i did that that was

fascinating it was fascinating

bill cosby stuff yeah

that wasn’t even us

that was somebody else from the bill cosby

thing there’s jonathan

taylor tom if

you want to keep looking there’s probably a million i’m

over it and i

heard that you guys

what’s it called

broke brad or

water under the bridge you guys

made up you and

carlos mrs i

never haven’t talked to him

since oh somebody’s

talking to him oh somebody

told me you guys

look good luck to the guy

you know right

what we were

involved in a terrible situation

where a guy was

he was victimizing all

these comics he was

stealing all

their shit nobody wanted to be in the room

when he was in the room nobody wanted to be on

stage they would light the

light up to make sure that you knew that he was on

stage so you

wouldn’t do new material wow

it was crazy and they all got it

was not even

it’s valid conversation yeah

you know i mean it all came about

and i didn’t want it to

happen it’s not something that i was looking forward to

it was totally unpretent

of unplanned

we had no idea it was

going to happen when i had

i remember when it was happening and they

cause i know you and i’m like oh this isn’t

gonna be good

cause i knew you were just

gonna get more and more ink

well i wasn’t even really that

angry with you brought him down

you brought him

down i know

he’s a really person

but he knows he’s a bad

plan that’s

right all of it

about you know all what it all is like was

about you know

he’s better off

that’s exposed as well

you know he was the reason why it happened

in the first place

he was living in some

crazy lie state

where you know

he really believed

his bullshit he wanted that to happen that’s why

when people do terrible

things like

serial killers a lot of them want to get caught

you know a lot of them do shit

because they want to get caught i always

leave a little something

yeah when you do fucked up

things to people man

i think for

real that there’s somewhere in the back of your head

that you gotta know that that’s affecting you

you can’t just

skate away clean

you think he had that sure yeah i

think everybody does fucked up

things like he

denied a complete

total sociopath

eventually he

started giving in

he did yeah

you said watch the

movie i am comic yeah he just flat out

admits it and i am comic

you know i feel bad for the guy what is that

about i am comic mental illness

who’s some documentary

about lots of different

comics are you in

it no was never

heard of it

yeah i don’t know i didn’t hear

about until

after it was already made

but apparently he’s in it

you know whatever man you know

gives a fuck

i made up i

never talked with polly shore

for 20 years

after in the army now i

didn’t like him on the set

he was a little bit

like you but

worse because

he was just very

aggressive and just outright mean

and i wasn’t used to i was a naive kid

from the suburbs

of chicago i was just this nice guy and

sweet and always full of happy

love and then

he was mean

to me and right in

front of people and on the set

and i just didn’t want to ever work with him again but

over the years he

changed and then i

changed now we’re friends

again and now

we’re talking

about doing

we did in the army now

and now i actually came up or

an old assistant of mine came up with the idea of doing

in the army again

because it’s

been 20 i’m telling you amazing no it really

could work because

in the first

movie we’re in the reserves

and when you’re in the reserves

you can get called up to active duty at any moment

20 years later

give this away

right now someone’s rewriting the

script right now

no but it has to be me and him

they’re gonna do

somebody else

i would love it no it has to be 20 years

later we have to be old

and we’re and we’re

i would i welcome somebody to

write the script just make sure you send it to me

so that polly and i can do it no this

is gonna go to polly and then paul is

gonna demand

some sort of

no no we’re friends

no something

could go down

no but we’re friends

i did a special on showtime

what was that

stand up special yeah i can’t remember

so how much

stand up you doing

these days well i

never like i said do

stand up i do

these characters do

music i tell stories but i mean how often

do you not do any touring anymore you’re not

going places i’m

starting i am

you know that

place that’s called borderlines

it’s in thousand oaks no

what is it though they’d love to have you

well they wanted me like two or

three times what is it it’s

a club or something it’s a comedy club a thousand oaks

yeah it’s new really

yeah you’d love it i’ll open

a couple years ago then they

asked me to do like

maybe even five different times i

said no i said no

they probably can’t pay you your

money but like i want to do it because

i don’t because when i

do it i fly my son out i fly

tim walsh out the guitar player

i usually bring an assistant

and i just and then i then there

where’s my money

you know so i’m like paying for everybody right

a little bit

in this one

i don’t have

to fly anybody out or do anything or pay for anything

and they’ll they pay for me to fly out right

and and they put us all up

you know we all just cram into one or two

hotel rooms

but still i pay for

their food i pay for this i do

this but here

i’m gonna do the show

and i’m gonna

still make about as much

money as i do when i go on the road

well you ever do like the brea

improv and the irvine improv

those are great because they’re

close right and they’re like a real but

there’s so many people in

california it can support that many comedy clubs

have you ever seen me on the marquee

many many times

i’ll be there and i see that you have just been there

or that you’re coming up

yeah yeah yeah

yeah but you’re

right i haven’t done in it’s been a while here

but i’m getting back into it

well dude listen we’re

gonna end this

thing okay great

to see you healthy

great so motivated

sounds like your

mind is in a good

place good i

truly root for you dude i love you really do i’m

so glad i’m so

happy to see you puffy

just kidding

you look great

you’re always

great and i’m

gonna take you up

on your offer

going into your tank

together what you really really want together and

we live close to each

other and i like having friends like you

i like having a goddamn bulldog in my corner

i need it back

the fuck off this kind of energy

back off i got joe rogan in my fucking corner

what are we waiting for let’s do it brian

also brian is charlie sheen’s producer

where’s the fart

sounds that don’t do it you fuck

don’t do it

stop it all right

if people want to get a hold of you they can go to

come on brian stop my new

thing is twitter i love it

and then on simple

andy dick on twitter at andy dick

and on twitter

you can go and you know i put on a lot of

pictures website

to just andy dick com you can see

everything i’ve ever done that i

wrote and directed

i don’t put up like

please follow andy i’m sure you’ll get

some fucking hilarious tweets

yes andy’s a goddamn character the real deal

he’s not faking it this is

real this is real andy you don’t

takes a lot to grow one of

these fucking things

you know a lot of

weird shit has to happen it’s like a sea

monkey you got to meet my friend joey diaz

there’s another one where

there’s just not a whole lot

of opportunities

in life for someone like that to develop

great you know so

thanks a lot man

thanks for coming on it was

great great to meet up with you

again and talk

about some stuff and

go over some of the old days

love it can’t wait

to see your

boner go to

joe rogan net and

click on the link

thank you to the

flashlight and if you go to joe rogan

net and click on the link for the flashlight

entering the code name rogan

you get 15 off

that is it for this week

this weekend

comedy magic club sold out next weekend

gotham and new york sold out

and so there’s

still some tickets available for open

at ento in april

and there’s

that hey shut the fuck up

all right that’s it this show’s over

that’s a vagina put your finger in it

yeah okay it hasn’t been washed

thank you thank you everybody see you next week

computers are definitely not to tell

oh it smells like a pussy