boom sherlock lock boom bitches

boom sherlock

i like a boom

there’s some

left in the volcano i don’t want to waste it

that was real that was real that’s powerful

that was real shit we got sam tripoli on this

this volcano as well

sam tripoli

sam tripoli

tried to come to the fucking joe rogan

experience podcast

talking some

crazy shit about he’s been

partying too much lately

and he wants to try this one sober yeah

i wanted to like sam i’m working how dare you

how dare you brother we’re old school road dogs man

i know what you’re saying you’re trying to get there

going you trying to be all disciplined positive

i feel you homie

i’m trying ladies and gentlemen we are sponsored by the

flashlight this week and

every week and if you go to joerogane

net you click on the link you will you will save 15

type in the keyword rogan

and you can get a discount sam trip

in your announcer voices get

good you think so yeah you’re really getting it down

working on it

now all you gotta do is start doing that

quick small talk like in the fine print and you’re

gonna be you know what i’ve been thinking

about doing is taking like just for

purely for educational purposes

like a weekend dj strip club gig

just so i could work on my announcer voice

because i feel

like if this ever does blossom into a real

radio show which it totally can because

radio is definitely on the comeback

i mean that’s what i want to hear

after i hear

an uncensored podcast i want to hear a little

short sound bites

where they can’t say anything and they get

you can’t say retard or

can’t even say butthole

right i think there’s

more challenging can’t say retard dude but i

was in austin

we did a video if you watch the

video that we did in the most recent one from austin

texas we had to say

we had to do it over and over and over again

it was fucking terrible

they had a beep

retard they beep retard like 20 times hold on

where did they do that and austin

when you did your podcast they were beeping no no no

no we did the

radio show there that’s crazy

yeah it’s terrible

but that’s what’s happening man

and what’s crazy

about it is before we even got into the

radio station

the person that

drove us around

that worked for the comedy club she was talking

about how that oh you just said the r word

what like is this bad word

we’re like kind of

thinking like yeah exactly what

and then we go into the

radio station and joe was saying it on the radio and

got caught out called out for saying retard on the

radio and it was just like

yeah they were totally serious

i’m doing joke on it’s just

like nobody calls people with special needs retarded

anymore they’re

special needs you

call assholes retarded exactly that dudes

retarded you’re saying some asshole

yeah they have down

syndrome they have an actual

name for the disease like calling someone a retard

it’s like you can’t say

idiot well guess what that’s what retards used to be

when you had down syndrome

they used to call you a

mongoloid idiot

that was the actual medical

definition for what the fuck is

wrong with you that’s so much

worse isn’t that crazy that

your baby’s an idiot

here take your baby home

on the fucking you

can’t say idiot now

well you can say

idiot but saying you can’t say retard

like retard is not some sort of a

scientific thing

it’s not like you’re

100 100 yeah it

doesn’t make any

sense well you can’t say retard i can say retard

you fucks it’s like

every year we go back further and further what we can

i’ve cut faggot out of my vernacular

the only time i say faggot now is when i talk

about the word faggot like right now

right and it feels good

it feels good to go back to my old friend

my old friend

the word faggot

on that too

like let me just say

about the word faggot

i have more respect

personally for the gay community

about that word than i do for the

black community and the word nigger really

and i’ll tell you why

because they call themselves sons

on saying faggot

too so at least there’s not this

weird double

standard but you know

like perez hilton that was

only gotten big trouble

right he got in big

trouble yeah that’s true

i knew i see

what you’re saying you know what i’m saying

other gay people will

get down oh

there’s this

weird okay we can say we’re taking it back the only

time and i was talking

about my podcast is

that the only time i

think it’s okay to say the n word is in bed

like i love getting called

i do i love getting called the n word i

don’t know why you’ve already said nigger all right so

you say the n

word after you do i

do love it this i was

famous mexican

chick in the

back of my car she was calling you a nigger yeah

it was so haha

it was so hot i’m just like yeah they just like

you know i gotta get that

place where i know

the girls cool and then i’ll be like can you call me

that be like what and they call it and they’re like you

asked her you

asked no she

started calling me it she

started calling you

later on with

other chicks i you know once i know

i’m in this cool

place with them

drop some end bombs on me

okay so for the one

chick one chick you just kind of got into it

she just called me it and but it then it became your

thing yeah wow

but that’s how all fetishes

start like something happens accidentally and

you’re like hey i like that you know what i’m saying

that’s how all weird shit

starts that’s a

crazy one though

like you’re banging this

chick and what was the

first reaction

i was like so tell me what

tell me how it went down i’m like what you know it’s

kinda like you’re in the backseat of a car well

first of all

rocking it old

school i appreciate it how long

ago dudes who

still get a

go how long

ago last week

years and years and years ago

years and years and years ago i just love

first of all i love car sex

i just love this

dirty like i’m looking for a car

right now and i’m

literally thinking

can i bang a

chick in the back of this car

like that is one of the

things i think

about when i’m

thinking about purchasing a car can’t bang a

chick in the back seat of a porsche

yeah can’t do it

so that should be their selling

point like that all

so practical yeah

hey we’re cadillac

you can bang in the back of your car yeah you

should do that like have a thing

where they go what do you think back there why not

that’s the commercial yeah

that’s why i like

the windows

tinted windows in the backs always nice dude

you gotta have tinted windows yeah

but then what

about the windshield

bro your windshields not tinted people just get to the

front of your car

watch you fuck with this the sun

visor thing that you pull out with us for

you know what you know my mom this is how

crazy it was when

we used to go on vacations like what road night time

would go on road trips she

would put newspapers all around the windows and would

sleep at a rest stop

and i’m thinking like how crazy

you wouldn’t do that nowadays scary

yeah that’s scary

cause they know there’s people inside yeah

yeah there’s too many crazy

well is it that there’s more

crazy people now or is that we’re

aware of the

crazy people well i

think it’s we’re

aware of the

crazy people

like some people

think everybody’s getting dumber i personally

think that they’re just getting over

saturated with

useless knowledge do you know what i’m saying like

there’s so much more useless knowledge out there

that’s taking

up your brain space

like when you go home to like say your high

school reunion

and your buddy who just got

married and had kids and went

right to the mill

right he’s like remember in high

school we did that you like no i don’t

remember that and he’s like remember this time you like

cause you have all these new

things in your head

you gotta get rid of the old things

right you know

what i’m saying i do know what you’re saying yeah

so it’s like

you know in the

1800s like some

peasant or some isn’t necessarily

smarter than the the

idiots we have

around now he just didn’t have all this like

kim kardashian who’s

gonna get her pregnant all this crazy

shit in her head you know i’m saying that totally makes

sense i mean

you only have so much room in your your hard

drive you know

i don’t know if people are getting dumber i

think collectively

there’s what it is is the people that are

smarter are fucking really

smart yeah they’re really really really

smart but the people that are dumb it’s so

easy to just get by

and be a moron now

it’s so easy

everything is set up for you between cell

phones and easy jobs and it’s like

what do you have to do

all you have to do is just show

up and do what someone tells you and you don’t have to

think at all and then you get off work what do you do

drink or you go and

watch reality tv

which makes you even fucking dumber yeah it’s

awful and it reinforces like

dumb shit like you

start thinking there’s nothing

wrong with you because hey

man that’s how they are on reality tv that’s driving me

crazy cause i

watched the

snooki given interview

and she’s acting like she’s regal now

you sitting here like this with good posture

talking like she you know

would you rather her like pick her

teeth and play with her

pussy yeah because that’s

her that’s why we like her because she’s a you know a

black alcock

zombie we love that shit

you know what i’m saying like we like that that’s

what we want but you don’t act like you’re not that i

would you know if you came in

right you’d be like joe rogan

ufc announcer

comedian that’s what you’ve done

like they should introduce

these people as like what they’ve done like kim

kardashian she got peed on by

a third rate rapper in her

video that’s the intro

p honor yeah

really yeah

i didn’t nobody

talks about that

yeah she got

peed on whoa

we i think it’s cool hold on we need to look i mean

are the odds of we

cannot we cannot keep

spreading disinformation

we have in the past unfortunately oh the bath salts

thing it’s disinformation oh no and this

is what i said this is what i said no

the bath salts not fake no no i

guess okay you talking

about the gun

the guy shooting the

kids it’s fake yeah that’s for sure yeah well

we’ll talk about yours

we’ll talk about that first

well anyway

the bath salts there’s a drug called bath salts okay

and what it is is they’re selling it as bath salts

so that they can sell it in stores

and so that it’s unregulated because what this

stuff is it’s like a type of

you know it’s some sort of a cousin

to crystal meth

and it’s really really dangerous they’re selling it as

legal cocaine in head shops

and they also sell it online

and sell it in some

stores in convenience

stores and they’re selling it as

bath salts and what it is is an intense

like really really bad drug and

super super addictive

not just addictive but a terrible

experience like

not even a good time when you get addicted to it

it’s a bad experience

it’s super it

isn’t it the

original use of it supposed to be like for insects or

plants yeah like

fertilizer or

something like that i don’t know but they’re also

selling it horrible yeah they’re also selling it as

oh plant food

all right so that

video i went home and

watched it because

when you were talking

about yesterday i

never saw it and

what it was is a

video of these two

skateboarder kids and this guy comes out of their

house and they get in

some kind of confrontation the guy goes back into the

house gets a gun

the skateboarder guys run away and they

shoot him nobody

got peed on the kim

kardashian really no

i didn’t think so

cause i look for a rumor

i look rumor

black did you

watch it no well i

watch parts of it but i just

can’t oh it was

cut here’s the deal

apparently the golden shower

scene was cut out

of the vivid

entertainment release of the sex tape

allegedly kim was

always denied that ray peed on her

although she denied the

existence of the tape for a

while too so

it’s in the air i

know the guy who does the sex tapes really yeah

absolutely i’m

gonna say it’s real

yeah he said it’s real we’re

gonna get to the guy who does the sex tapes in one

minute so you

think the good that the kid what we’re talking

about is two kids are

skateboarding in

front of this guy’s

house there’s

some sort of an altercation the guy comes out and

shoots them

shoots them all right so

the date on the tape was recently like

it was just like last week or something like that so

first i went through

put it in google

spent like an

hour hour and a half looking for news articles

looking for anything there was nothing that had

any news right

so then you go to the tape and you

start looking at the tape itself

if you look at the tape there’s a big

flashing record

light on it

which is usually used for if you’re

looking through

a viewfinder of a camera not a home security

system it doesn’t record

a flashing record

light on so immediately no good ones do

none that i’ve ever seen

but but as a

video editor i know

that that’s fake

shit that’s like what you see on tv yeah that’s like

right right they put on it

like you know when you’re in a

movie and a guy gets a cell phone

and he looks at the text on his

phone and you know that’s not the graphics of the phone

right like this

is like some animated bullshit it’s like so big and

stupid looking like

and it takes you out of the

movie right

like they show

cheaters they’ll do that like here’s our undercover

yeah they have crosshairs

on the people

oh you can’t say

crosshairs anymore either yeah

and then if you look at the gun itself at

first i thought it was like a shotgun

cause like how

he shot both of the kids at the

exact same time got hit

like meaning one kid did a barrel roll

and the other kid just kind of

fell laid down it looked like he kind of laid down fell

so all these

things to me are like alright something’s not

right so then i started

doing more looking online looking online

found went to live leak

and there was like

12 pages of people

you know live leak is mostly military

based people

12 pages people saying it’s fake and like

pointing out

every single

one that has like the really bad

videos like assassination yeah

they have like

mostly military

stuff like planes

shooting down people

and like kind of more

like real crazy

stuff you guys are

going deep in

my toes great i love

i told jim norton

about it but i said

daily motion so i have to

daily motion

might have it too that you

ever hear of fortune

have you ever heard

of course of course oh dude love fortune

fortune is the

best i love

of the internet no they are not they are

great you are

stupid sam tripoli

you love it

well what they do is they go

after they go

after shitheads like

a not they go after

scientology they go

after the people that were

prosecuting julian assange

for the the wikileaks thing

you know they go

after hypocrites yeah but do you really hear

more they have a certain amount of

morals mean yeah there’s some psychos on there

the wicked link stuff

right i mean

what was leaked that was so bad about us

that we’re like oh i can’t believe this get out

you know makes me

think we leaked

it out it’s like oh my god look at all this

stuff because it’s

i was watching

msnbc the other day

which is the progressive side of the argument

so they’ll call out the government on anything

and they’re like it didn’t really make us look that bad

they really take a look

at it sort of but

see it confirmed a lot of

things that people had already suspected like

first of all that

the united nations like

hillary clinton did one

thing where she was trying to collect

biometric data

on the united nations and this is like a real email

that’s spying

that’s illegal that’s

against international law

you’re not allowed to spy on the fucking members of un

right but there’s some shit like that but

the video of the

gunship of the

the helicopter

shooting down those

those reporters

in iraq that was the big one

that was pretty

bad that was really bad yeah that is that was

crazy because then there’s there’s kids in the

scene too and one of the guys says he

should they shouldn’t brought their kids

shouldn’t brought

their kids like that’s your reaction to just

shooting 50 millimeter

rounds into

a car full of kids you shouldn’t have brought your kids

and it shows you

what kind of attitude gets developed when you’re in war

war is the most unhealthy fucking

thing possible man

there’s no way to do it and to come out of it healthy

you know there’s no way to just well just

put that in the past now and move on with my life no

you’ve been gunning people down for five fucking years

that shit’s

gonna haunt your memory eventually it’s

gonna it’s terrible for your fucking

your mind and your

thinking and

people develop

justifications and they get used to certain

things people can get

used to anything and they get used to killing people

and that’s one of the

things you see in that

video this callous

disregard for life yeah

that sucks it’s hard

and you know what those guys

they probably not even bad guys

they’re just fucking

guys who got into the military and then as time went on

that’s the attitude they did

and they say a lot of shit like that to each other

to sort of reaffirm

you know i should have brought their kids

fucking right

you know they’ll say shit like that right

right yeah we’re

crazy we’re the craziest you know like it’s almost like

they’re saying

these things and you

know like let me get them let it go

got them down

it’s almost like to reinforce each

other because

they all know they’re doing something insane

did you ever hear the theory

the story that in

world war ii they did

the government did

a study and

they found that like most

soldiers couldn’t

shoot and kill somebody

it just wasn’t in them

so that’s the whole

thing that’s when you

start seeing in

movies like are

more gun play more guns

shooting people to

kinda get people used to the idea of actually

shooting somebody wow

yeah i did some

cause back then it was just so rare

yeah i did some uso

tours and one

the guy who took me on was telling me that

story that like

in world war one they

found that the

majority of soldiers

could not pull the

trigger to kill

somebody wow so we really have become desensitized by

movies and tv shows 100

dude i i was driving back from

vegas one time i saw the most horrific

crash i’ve ever seen in my life

and i pulled over to see if everybody’s okay

there’s dead bodies

all over the place

not even affected

you know because i’ve seen so much that on

television so i mean

this car had fallen on top of this

woman’s head

whoa and i was this

and the girls

like is grandma can i’m like do not tell her anything

then he wanted

it was like really

really weird but it wasn’t

the weirdest part was my i didn’t have

any reaction to seeing the dead people i wasn’t like

oh my god and i that really

stuck with me why

how crazy i don’t know man i would

still feel that

i didn’t i didn’t i didn’t i wasn’t like

wow this guy

would still feel that too

i don’t know man it wasn’t

well i’m not saying i didn’t feel

something for them

someone’s fucking crazy no

but i didn’t say i’m

not saying i didn’t feel for them but it wasn’t like

this incredible like

insane moment did

you get a hard on also yes alright

here we go did

you imagine

if you know your grandma got

trapped underneath a car and someone’s back there

is she okay

yeah i think she’s

gonna be alright just stay back and

go around the

corner and the guy’s beating off on your grandma’s

dead head oh come on dude imagine that’s

crazy look there’s somebody out there that

would do it

if you can just

think that up

like i just did

for sure someone

would do it

could you imagine

grandma dies in a car accident the

first guy that pulls over is beating off on her head

well is that the

whole sam kensson

story they did

a grandma car accident flashlight

that like back in

the day they were parting a newest guy who had a mort

who like was

ran a morgue or something like that and

one thing was that

yeah the homosexual necrophilia

pick i thought you were talking

about his car accident

story no that yeah the guys

would pay him to come

crazy that you know he died a

drunk driver hit him

how crazy that

that is crazy

to do all this material

about drinking and driving used to do all this

thing we’re

gonna drink

and we’re gonna

drive we’re

gonna pull it off you know why

cause we do it

every fucking night

yeah he had that

whole bit about it and

it wasn’t even

funny it was like cheerleading for losers

that was like the dark years of kennison’s comedy

like kennison when he

first came out

was the best

i’d say the kinesin of 1986

who’s better than that

ever who’s ever been better than that you

could love bill hicks all you want

and i do but bill hicks was

never that funny

just no no one was ever that

funny that fucking

homosexual necrophiliac bit

all the shit about

jesus and the

cross and you know why

cause i was married

for two fucking years all that was the best shit ever

but then he got famous

and when he got

famous and he was doing blow every

night and that’s what’s

gonna kill ya banging tens remember he had

those it’s that malika

chick that was always with him

that was his

girlfriend and she was a fucking ten

i’m like man this guy’s a troll

and he’s got a 10

fame is sexy

yeah and so he got big he got

famous and he was

partying all the time and i read his book

his brother’s book called

brother sam

interesting book and that’s what you know he

said in the book that sam just stopped writing just was

partying all the time

so then he was just coming up with

stuff cheerleading for

those douches that

would come to

sam you know yeah that’s i was one of them

yeah i mean i

still loved them though man but yeah dude that’s

crazy man they just

and now how do you get into that how do you know that

that’s what you’re into

the guy who goes in the morning and beats off on the

yeah how did how do you get there that’s my

whole question how do you more guys have been

busted fucking

bodies many times especially

fresh ones that’s happened many many many many times

cause i think you know

if you’re some guy and you’re sexually attracted to

women and this is a

woman that you could

never possibly

get a hold of and no one can stop you from

touching her

there’s no one around man you’re in a

quiet room with no windows

and you know she’s on a pan

and if you want to you can just

start fingering her

and some guys not only finger they fuck em

you know i mean

that’s happened

so many times

look man you get desensitized

you’re desensitized to

those dead bodies

they’re really

desensitized to dead

bodies yeah when you see dead bodies

every fucking day of your life

you know i mean that’s gotta be

weird as fuck that has to be

weird i’ve only seen a couple dead

bodies ever man it’s always a very strange

thing it’s strange but i wasn’t like

freaked out that was the whole

well maybe you were just trying to be strong

what’s weird is

when you see the

bodies like stacked

like i went to a

when my grandfather died

they were getting

chairs out of this room and i

think it was a

crowded day for the funeral home

and i’m just kind of walking around like

thinking about things

and the door opens and there’s my grandfather

and like five

other dead people

just sitting there in this room with all

these chairs

and i was just like

ugh just the

creepiest look

and feel and just

where was he was he

lying down he was laying down

just like and there was a

bunch of other people there just like

like slabs right next to each

other like they’re just you know

we’re in a storage

room you know

with all these

chairs and extra stuff

like why are they just

hanging out in a storage room if you

think about it it’s amazing that we can go as

like we’ve been so insulated

by our complex society that we can go like our

whole lives and

never see a dead body

like a lot of people will go

their whole lives and

never see a dead body

back in caveman days man you saw some fucking

bodies man everybody saw

bodies in the

roman days yeah 100

cause you knew yeah

dude i always say that’s why like

it was so much easier to get

married back in the day

cause you knew you were gonna die

quicker you know i’m saying

death do us part was so much easier

cause it was more violence out there

yeah as like the life

expectancy gets longer and longer people are

gonna take that shit more and more for granted

you know back then like you

gotta get your livin in in 30 fucking years yeah

how old do you know

i’m 38 you’d be dead dude

dead for sure

eaten by my wife me

i’d be long dead

and if i was

alive i would look like an old man poor

nutrition and no fucking weightlifting

i would look like shit i

would have gray hair

you know i’d probably be taking

no vitamins i just be eating porridge or whatever be

village elder

yeah whatever whatever food that we killed that day

you know porridge

yeah man i was i’ve been

watching the show the wild within

it’s fucking good show man some new show on the

travel channel with this dude goes and he he hunts

all over the

world and he hunts like a like a

louis and clark

he went on this

one little expedition

where he took the same

route that louis and

clark took with a

bunch of his boys and they were

shooting things with muskets

they didn’t

shoot anything they couldn’t shoot

a fucking this guy’s an experienced hunter and they

never got close enough

they caught

like a couple of fish and they barely survived

one of the things that they got was somebody had shot

a deer and left the deer all they took was like

some of the meat from the back of the deer

which is like really common like guys take the

what’s called the back

strap it’s like the

loin the strip loin

that goes against

feels like the meat

against your spine

and that’s the only food that they found

if it wasn’t for that

some hunter leaving a body behind

they scavenged it and they’re all talking shit

about this hunter but meanwhile

somebody would have

eaten it too if it wasn’t

them it would have been a coyote

it’s not like it’s

gonna go to

waste it’s in the fucking jungle

you know what do you

think the crew the film crew is

going through

like are they eating big macs why they’re like

starving you

know it’s pretty

crazy because last

night i watched one episode

where he hunted a pig with a knife

they they’re in hawaii

and the way they hunt pigs in hawaii

is you use pit bulls

and use two different types

of dogs one type of dog goes and finds the the pig

and there they they’re the bang dogs the

tracking dogs they have the best

sense of smell

and they can find hogs like

miles away they can find old

tracks and track them down

so these dogs are barking

roar roar roar

they let them know and then the pit bulls come in

the pit bulls come running and they’re

armored pit bulls

they have collars

around their neck that protect

their necks and they have kevlar vests on

so that the pigs can’t bite through

their body and

cause pigs are

nasty motherfuckers

and they have

giant tusks

pigs are a weird animal man

when a pig is in a pigsty

and you’re at

a farm and they’re all pink and cute and shit

pigs are the only animal that we know of that

morphs once it becomes feral

so when you put pigs as quickly as

three weeks

when pigs exist in the wild in

three weeks

their fur changes

their tusks grow longer like they

literally become a different animal it’s a fucking

tricky thing

that’s why like wild pigs have

black hair they have

black crazy hair

but like domestic pigs on most of them have like

white hair well there’s

something happens to them when you let them free

there’s something

about pigs going wild that actually

forces like a

biological change survival

mode like a delicious butterfly

yeah so anyway this guy is out there and

the dogs are holding the pig down

and there’s

two different pigs so they have to stab both of them

and so one of them had to do without

the pit bulls they had to do with the bang dogs and

this pig is fucking

these dogs up man

it keeps biting and biting the shit out of

these dogs putting holes in

these dogs really yeah

and the guy runs over and just stabs the pig in the

heart and it’s all in a river

so it’s like the

whole scene is like really fucking primal man

like he dives in the

water and they’re

fighting and the pigs trying to bite him and he has to

jump out of the way

and then the dogs get in

place and then when the dogs are in

place the pig

bites the dog and the guy just runs over and

slams the fucking

blade right between the ribs

right into the

heart it’s dark dude

and you got to

think like that’s some real hunting man you’re

hunting a pig with a knife

and that’s how they do it the dogs hold them down

apparently that’s the

easiest way to do it i don’t know why that makes any

sense at all

why you wouldn’t just fuck it

i guess the only way to find them is with the dogs and

once you find them the dogs are biting them you can’t

shoot them because the dogs are there

so it gets tricky

so then you have to go and stab them

because apparently pigs are pretty fucking smart

and pigs they see people coming and they just

get ghosts it’s like you know it’s not as easy to

track them down as it is to

track a deer

apparently they’re intelligent they’re more intelligent

than dogs what

would comedians do without like

discovery channel

or any i mean

like how much material comes from the discovery and the

travel channel all that stuff

there’s some

crazy shit out that’s

where all the

freakouts come from man if it wasn’t for that shit

i probably have a much saner life

you know wasn’t

from totally

in my world what is

where’s my worries

where’s the why was the

supervolcano

is not really in my world

but it is in my

world because

i’m on fucking

you know on tv at two o’clock in the morning

watching some

crazy science channel

special but we’re all

gonna die hey did you see the uh

on the huffington

post a green blob

in the middle

of deep how

crazy is that so what is it what do they

think it is

i don’t know they are saying it creates stars yeah

that’s some

crazy a star

creator stellar nursery

yeah but the

colors are not are

the colors correct are the

colors correct no

no it said something

about yeah they embellish the

colors like it’s not really a

telescope yeah

but man i mean it’s

640 million

light years away one

light years a trillion years

jesus christ trillion

miles excuse me how

crazy is that that

would be cool if we

found a star factory where

we figured out

how to make planets and stars and be like

start selling planets

no way dude

we already do that you can buy a star

and you and 900 people own that

same star well yeah that’s not

that is the dumbest shit

ever yeah i bought you a star honey

yeah shut the fuck up you don’t own that star you

can’t buy that star

yeah like you can name a star what if

that becomes real though and we all become space

travelers and

you end up like no you own that star now

you can live on it well

you can if you become a mormon

brother you can have your own

planet and your own people and you make your own rules

that’s right

there’s supposed to be some new discovery that was

found today

by the hubble telescope i can’t seem to find it here

i’ll find it eventually

but just space itself man it’s too big

it’s just how

often you even

think about it

do you ever try to

think about

eternity and your

brain just like nope tap out

it doesn’t really go on

forever that’s the way it does but it’s really tricky

so what happens is it goes to a certain

point and then you come back it’s like a geometric

design it’s like

like it’s a shape

like the universe

apparently is a

shape it’s a curved

wall there’s that’s the that’s

where it gets crazy

this doesn’t make any

sense but what they

think is that

we think of the universe as

everything but

apparently it’s not

just as our

solar system isn’t

everything just as our galaxy isn’t everything

first it was a

solar system

first we thought

that our solar

system was this is it this is all there is out

there and then we realized oh no no no we’re part of a

galaxy and the galaxy is all that is out there oh no no

no the galaxy is a part of many

galaxies which is part of the universe

well now they

think that inside

every galaxy is a

supermassive

black hole that contains another universe

and inside that universe is

could be exactly like our universe or it

could have some

completely different

structure i can’t even

understand that see can’t

understand it it’s like when you look up

we’re like little

ants trying

to i mean not even you know trying to

break it down yeah we’re

mites on an ant’s ass trying to figure out

fucking how google works we were talking

last night the comedy

club about whether

you think people boned

up on like the space

station of course

they did of

course they

must have because they

put laws saying that they can’t do it yeah that’s so

funny but that’s

why they want the russians there so they

can bang some russian

chicks up there

but it’s like that one

astronaut who

drove across

state in their diaper i mean that’s how

crazy that chick is so you know they’re into some

freaky stuff

which i like i like

smart freaky chicks

there’s something very

attractive about getting a very

smart girl and having her saying degrading shit it

just it’s very fun for the beginning the problem with

smart chicks is i find that most of

smart chicks that really like me are fucking crazy

and did you just play some music

it sounded like it though did

it i think it did i

think the drum beat

started going off anyway

you know the really

smart ones that are kind of

snarky and a lot of them are crazy

you know and a lot of them like being a

smart chick is fucking hard as shit

cause a lot of dudes don’t care if you’re

smart they just wanna

stick your dick

their dick inside you

they want a

flashlight you know

and then they want

love and relationship but most importantly you gotta

you gotta feed

this fucking addiction that you have in your dick

you have to get rid of some loads

so it’s hard being a

smart chick i

think i love it and when they deal with douchebag

after douchebag they just assume that you’re

gonna be a douchebag too and so

it’s hard being a girl bro it can’t be easy

camping you

gotta take care of babies

and you got to assume that the dudes

gonna help you out like you

you’re gonna

completely change your

whole world you’re

gonna grow a

human inside of you

and then you’re not

gonna be able to work

cause you’re

gonna be able to have to take care of this

human or you

bring it to daycare and your kid gets sick

every fucking day of its life i have a

buddy who has his kid in daycare and he’s like so sad

about it he

just can’t afford to not have his kid in daycare

he can’t afford to have his wife not work

and you know

actually they just

broke up because of all this now

they’re divorced but

he’s like my kids always sick he’s

like it’s horrible they’re always confident sneezing

crushes my heart

oh because it’s like there’s so many

charms over there

he’s like a producer

but he can’t he’s not like a high

level producer

so he can’t get shit

going man it’s fucking

you know when in hollywood man

when the recession hits or it hits for everybody yeah

so he’s not making good

money and she’s fucked he’s

like picks up jobs here and there and they’re sporadic

and in between he’s got a little live off unemployment

ah that’s horrible

yeah it’s a grind dude

so you know

my point is for a

chick man it’s

a way more difficult situation just simply by the

virtue of the fact that you have

a growing human being inside of you you can make a baby

and then you have to take care of this baby the baby is

completely vulnerable for many many many years

whereas a man can just

shoot loads and

women all over town and have a fucking gang of

these chicks

watching after his kids

you know you can just

like who’s done that john

what’s that guy’s name the football player

the baseball player that has a fucking eighty kill

sean camp sean camp there you go

how many kids

does that guy have i i was reading this book i

think he has

eight kids god

damn there was one football

player that had 10 kids

all over the

place too right and he couldn’t stop smoking weed

so he basically got

kicked out of the nfl

now you’re screwed

whoa he got kicked out of the nfl because of we yeah

he had three violations who’s that

not ricky williams no he used to run for buffalo

then he got traded to denver i don’t know

man how crazy they trying to keep

football players from smoking weed

yeah one time charles hopefully said that like

80 of the nba smoked weed yeah

they can’t have that’s part of

their contract negotiations

that they don’t test for weed

see because weed

for basketball and for pool

for anything involving balls this is all i know

for anything

involving feel and i don’t mean balls like your nuts

i mean anything involving

orbs where you’re judging distances and it’s like

these are like

subtle feely

things you know

weed makes you more sensitive

so if you’re more sensitive you’re

gonna play basketball better you’re

gonna play pool better you know you’re

gonna fuck better and i

think it also takes you out of you

so you don’t overthink the moment like

sometimes if you watch

basketball a guy

would be so wide open and he’ll totally clink it

cause he’s too open you know

like this should oh god i’m so open i hope i hit this

right yeah yeah you let that other

thing talk to you don’t fuck this up the little hat

that guy doesn’t get to talk to you when you’re high

you know when you’re in the groove in the zone

you know he’s not

on the vip list he can’t get into the club that night

going on stage

stone is the best i can’t do it

you can do it i can’t you have done it why are you

lying i can’t

i know it’s

weird that most

comics say that they can’t do

like you’re

one of the very few people that i

think can do

it but like i know for a fact i can’t do it

well you can get

two stoned you can

definitely get two

stoned especially

if you eat something like i fucked up at citywalk

and i guy ate

gave me this fucking cookie i was an

idiot i was

like eh he’s a nice guy i’ll just take his cookie i

would’ve given you special gloves

and a fucking aluminum

briefcase if i had that cookie inside if i knew how

strong that cookie was i’d have that

thing attached to

electrodes and if it moves as

your arm goes off

it was ridiculously

strong because they make them with hash

they don’t make them with weed

so these guys just go

the professional

stoners those assholes

they want to get

blitzkrieg they don’t want to

think about things

they just want to get

so high that it’s like an amusement park ride that’s

like you just feel like you’re in like

that’s how i felt when

i when i did

ralphi may gave me a pop

brownie and i just yeah

naked watching ph one celebrity rehab

because i couldn’t get porn so that’s the

close i get to it

what have you been

watching the

what the world are

you i didn’t have an it at this time i didn’t have yeah

access i didn’t have my computer

with i hadn’t gotten a mac at that time it was so fun

no this was like a

three years

ago i didn’t have that you didn’t have a cell phone

yeah i didn’t have a cell

phone that made

videos i guess i had a

three years ago

calculator two

three one eight zero zero eight

what is that boobies

turn it upside shut the fuck up

you do not just do that

you fucking

child yeah you

could draw a porn before i

would watch

celebrity react you can find i watch

i don’t like sex celebrity rehab i like drug celebrity

is there a sex celebrity

yeah there was who was on that one

they had a couple porn stars girls yeah

is there any guys on that

yeah there was a phil veroni was on that who’s that

he was a guy who was like

this is so funny

he’s the drummer of

i forgot what the band is

he was a drummer in some 80s band

and he got on there and it’s like

he said he’s addicted to sex yeah poor guy

but then the girls are talking and then

you can get addicted to anything

oh i know i know dudes who who are so hung up on sex

that it’s like they’re not even

horny and they’re trying to like keep racking up

scores yeah

it’s like it

consumes you i know guys whose careers have been

derailed because they’re such

pussy hounds yeah that’s true

but it becomes a massive

distraction too like if you have a lot of pressure

you know you can distract yourself with

things like gambling addictions and

stuff like that

where it’s really

what you’re trying to do is you’re trying to avoid

the pressure of your career you’re trying to

avoid the hard work and all the

things that you really need to get done and you know

i find myself like i have

that’s why that war of art

book is so fucking good have you read it yeah i have

it’s a great book

cause it deals with that

deals with the distractions and

it calls it resistance

and that’s really what it is man

when life gives you a lot of pressure

people go towards something to distract them from that

pressure yeah

cause they don’t

wanna deal with it they don’t

wanna think

about it so they get obsessed with something it

could be pussy it

could be gambling

it could be gambling and pussy

it could be a drug thing i

think some people are also afraid to make it to in some

weird way they don’t want to they like they

kinda just enjoyed

the not having the pressure

of having to

produce so they kind of sabotage themselves in a

weird way yeah

success is very very difficult i

think a lot of people sabotage themselves and afraid of

success and

those are by the way the same people

that are always talking shit

about other people that are

successful yeah they’re always like

going after them and

pointing fingers at them and like

you know i mean if you look at like anytime you

watch like you go to like

tmz or anytime some celebrity

story and go look in the comments

all the venom

in the fucking

comments hate

those comments oh

youtube’s the

worst i can’t

stand that shit it’s but i guarantee you that

every single person that it’s fixating on

charlie sheen and you know whoever the fuck it is

tiger woods

all the venom and venom

those people are not paying this much

focus on their own life they’re just not

if you’re on youtube and you’re getting into a fucking

three page flame war

with some other asshole that’s like

src seven seven one tom

that’s his name and you’re

going back and forth and you’re trying to win and

that’s just a distraction you’re not thinking

about your life

for sure there’s some shit

that you need to get done there’s some

papers you need

to fill out there’s some bills you need to send in

you’re not doing

everything you need to do you’re that’s

an addiction

just like anything else just like porn just like well

they can do

whatever they want because there’s no repercussions

like there’s nobody who’s

gonna kick in

their door in

their mom’s basement

punch them in the face for saying mean shit so

i can say whatever they

want what’s ever happened

even when you sent an

email or a letter rather it had a return address

right 100 i remember one time

it was kathy griffin just

started hosting the

the new year’s eve

thing on cnn and she was

getting heckled and she said why don’t come to your job

and kick the

dicks out of your

mouth bum bum

right which is you know a

thousand years old yeah

jesus used that when he had a bad set

you know i’m saying

i used that the last time i used that i

shook my own head and i was like what the fuck yeah

sometimes you do that but anyway sometimes you

gotta do it i went

on youtube i just want to see what the comments were

and they’re like she’s so fast she’s so

crazy it’s so fun i go

guys i mean she’s good but that’s

the oldest line

and they just

started coming at me

right and this one guy just started

really trying to get me and i’m like who is this guy

and he’s like

and everyone’s like yeah to him keep going

i’m like really

so i go to his page

all of his videos

and this is guy

all of his videos are like high

school boys dancing around with no

shirts on right and i go

whole and i go back i go okay everybody if you really

cheering for him go take a look at all his

videos i say boom

didn’t hear from him

again cause it was like he actually got

hit when he normally

could just say whatever he wants

but there’s no repercussions

right you found his page

which is actually him

yeah whoa wow

yeah people that

when people are used to being able to

say something

but getting a response to someone this is the

first time ever

you’ve been able to just anonymously attack people

and then people

start websites

about people and go

after people people that don’t even know they have no

no you know no no real relationship with them

but they fixate on

them yeah you

gotta let it go man it’s

crazy i get

and here’s the

funny the funniest comment is oh

that’s so gay

like you could do a

video of you making out with the hottest chicken in the

world and there’ll be some guy gayest

video ever it’s

like it’s not gay it’s like i’m making out with some

chick what are you talking about

i get murdered all the time on my facebook page

the worst is when someone puts a

video up of you that you can’t control

and so the comments there and you can’t really like

i don’t mind if you say i don’t like

it do you fixate do you fixate on comments and the

video stop reading that shit man i do like the reason

a while and if they have a good

point be like you know that’s a good

point you can

keep that up there if they’re just saying some

stupid ass shit i’ll

be like yeah i’ll either hit him or delete the comment

so you actually had get in arguments with

these people on your like youtube page and shit

you know what

yeah you do

no but i’ve seen

you have you seen him

i’ve seen is on facebook or

maybe it was youtube or something like that i see you

go away facebook one

where i got in a

fight with a

chick because

she called i did a

video called i love

black people

right and i

it’s basically was a base off when we were in canada

and we were

didn’t see any

black people i’m like you know i miss

black people so i decided do a

video called i love

black people

and i’m like and i

would tell them i love

black people

and we’d hug and i’d list all the reasons i love them

and this girl’s like you’re so

racist i’m like

the video is called i love

black people i’m hugging

black people

going around

on the streets

fighting black people and hugging them

that’s how is that racist

yeah and we just made this

video after we did that canada

yeah yeah yeah we went to

weird parts of canada too

right we were like in

grand prairie

and loved it saskatoon

we were like way up there

dude canadian girls are the

white versions of mexican girls

yeah that they’re

what do you mean

they’re great they

call you nigger

yeah yeah yeah

yeah i’d love

but they’re

great in bed they

they have this amazing ability to be both a

freak in bed and like a good

girlfriend do you know what i’m saying

right like the

white girls

in america they can’t it’s either one or the

other what do you

think that is you

think that just were repressed here

and they’re not

cause they have a much more european

sexual attitude in canada

especially montreal i

think they can have that though

yeah i think it is a little repression

cause if you talk to anybody you’re like

you know where’s the

greatest groupies are this they always say like utah

cause those girls have like one shot at greatness

do you know what i’m saying oh really so like

like band say that like the greatest

groupies are in utah

yeah i like that who told you that

i was i talked to a couple porn stars i said

we’re the craziest people they’re like mormons utah

really gene simmons said

when he ranked like we’re the best

groupies they said utah wow yeah

i remember when i did some with

vince vaughn i went on a tour and we were on this bus

and it’s the closest i’ll ever get to be in a beetle

right i just like driving this huge bus and people

going crazy

and we were driving around and

we just stopped somewhere

and this girl’s walking

with her boyfriend she just jumps on the bus and

leaves with us

he jumps in his car follows us

and i’m like if i

followed you

yeah what would you do though

i would get rid of that bitch yeah

i’ve seen that before

i’ve seen i’ve been at shows

where there’s a guy with a girl and the girl is just

like got our hands on my

chest and asking me

where we’re

going after the show

oh yeah and you

wanna just go to the dude dude dude you

gotta get out

of this relationship man this shit will rot your years

cause if you’re a fucking dude and

especially if she’s hot

oh yeah fucking

trapped i’ve met a lot of dudes

that were like they really shouldn’t be banging that

chick and all

sudden they are and

you know you’re

stuck in some

place like some

small town somewhere you know you’re in

louisville kentucky or something with this crazy

bitch and there’s not a lot of

you know selection

everybody wants to fuck us you don’t want to let her go

yeah well that’s the trap

cause you can go into

somewhere yeah

you can go into

somewhere killing this gorgeous girls coming on you

she’s not gonna tell you that her

crazy ass boyfriend’s

over there that’s what happened to mike young

when we had a

yeah mike young

know you can’t really

rely on his stories

they no i was there

weather i was

hitting on a girl and a guy beat him up

no no no this will happen

we were just walking around he picks up this chick

asked her to come to our show she comes to the show

we’re hanging out the club i’m not this is true story

hang out the club i go down on a

dance floor

this dude just walks in the club

just doesn’t even say just walks up and just fucking

starts throwing bombs on mike young

and also i hear

screaming i look up mike

young saints up he’s like tripley

watches face just

bleeding i’m like dude

watch it so i run up

but i run this way the guy runs this way

so i run this way see what’s up

he’s gone i couldn’t even find him

and then so the guy just ran out

punched him a couple times and then ran

out yeah just drop haymakers on him and mike had never

spoken to this guy before

no i saw the

whole thing from the so have the guy know who mike was

because he knew who the girl was

so mike was sitting

next to the girl so she just he just walked up and

started blasting yeah that was his

girlfriend that’s mike

young’s karma bro

well dude dude that guy gets lethal

dude that guy and that’s the craziest

thing i was dancing with some chick

you gotta get mike young

on here by the way just because we talked

about him so much and was like who the fuck’s mike

young check i was hooking up with mike

young how dare you he’s friends with leonardo dicaprio

i know you don’t

on charge you ever hear that one i’m

watching all of a sudden it’s like blah blah blah mike

young i’m like they did not just say mike young that’s

hilarious that’s hilarious because some of his buddies

right on that so

um so what you’re just

in the middle of something

the mike young rant

yeah yeah that’s what happened to

him almost happened to rick ingram too i

heard that too like

he’s in alaska and he went to some bar with some chick

and they walk

in the bar the girl’s boyfriend’s there her boyfriend’s

friend just surround him he’s like i didn’t know

boom i’m gone

and that’s the biggest thing

dudes who get mad at

other dudes because their

girlfriends a whore

like jesus christ that is the dumbest shit ever

like listen man if

your girl was a good girl if she was down with you she

would not be here with mike

young you fuck

give up yeah i don’t want

anything to do it there’s not gonna be a

problem you just got an emotional

issue that you need to fucking sort out you’re not

good enough to get a good girl you fuck

he’s crazy so anyways

i’m like mike this chick

knows that dude there’s no

reason a guy

would come up to you and just

start blasting you and she’s

like i didn’t know him and then we just kept prodding

here’s how crazy mike young is

just got his butt kicked for hanging out with a hot

chick i’m sitting in the

er of the hospital

in walks the hottest blonde i’ve ever seen in my life

she’s like where’s mike

young i’m like you

gotta be kidding me dude this

guy girl meet him at the

er she was so hot

why would he have a girl meet him at the er

cause she’s hot and i

might get scumbag i’m like i wonder if i

could bang this chick

at the hospital

steal her from mike

young yeah i mean i just wanted to hit it like i wanna

cross it off my list oh that’s

funny would mike

young be pissed

i think he had bigger problems at that moment

his faces they’re

putting it together like mr potato head at that point

came back better looking

that’s just that guy mike

young likes girls

he does i want to do this whole show

where i take like mike young

brian callan

steve byrne

and sergio love and then mike

black and we go on a tour

and it’s who can tap the most ass but

once you get an std you’re off the show

brian callan

is married and he

doesn’t do that anymore

no i know that

this was years ago that

store off that

show okay i’m taking them off let me put it on

that’s not fair because he’s

gonna he would beat all of them

no he wouldn’t yeah that’s the whole

thing at the end it’s mike

black because because

you did late he

would just fuck anything

he’ll just take the

other ones hey dude

it’s the right

place look cheetahs only get to eat what they can kill

catch when the

leopards and hyenas

aren’t around

right that’s just how it goes

you know if a cheetah

takes something down the hyenas

go i’ll take that bitch

and they come in the cheetahs have to run away that’s

just i have no problems with that part of the game

i have no problems with that does mike

black’s parents have

photos of themselves on his

that’d be hilarious that

would be you go to like their

house what does that mean

well mike black is a

comic that’s

known for always having a

photo of himself on his shirt

every time you see him for years he wears the

exact same shirt of

picture of himself on okay

so you’re saying

to do his parents have the same

right he’s so devoted

how the fuck

would they know what you’re talking about

yeah why just explain it

you had to you get

stuck mike young books a

bunch of commercials ari’s on fire

right now at commercials

ari’s always doing commercials he’s become more

successful for commercials than anything else

he is such a good actor

he booked a

subway commercial

doesn’t look like in any way he’d ever do

work at subway

unless he was like

their accountant

you know what

i’m saying like he does not look like he’s

making like

sandwiches or some shit like that he doesn’t do

you does he look like a fast food employee to you yeah

really he pulled off yeah

he’s got he’s got

the homeless look he’s got that he’s got one of those

i could be anywhere looks

i’ve never seen

a fast food employee

because we live

in los angeles and they’re all mexican

yeah that’s the

weirdest thing i just want to

i’ve been killing indian casinos brother

really i’m the

champ of the indian casinos do you

do a lot of

indian casinos i love them too they’re like the new cat

skills you know i’m saying you’re

just rockin

india i just did my

first two hour set

you did two

hours yeah where

in oklahoma man i did this

place called the fire lake

best time the people there are so cool really

and i’m like oh dude it’s the funniest

thing i love

going in the

places and i i just

start interviewing people

cause i just

like to get to know like it’s almost like quantum leap

where you like jump into somewhere

and you’re like okay what are the rules of this place

what’s going on

how am i gonna

solve this problem

so i just start interviewing people

and i’m like

so you guys got any mexicans here he’s like yeah down

south you know a little farther down

south and this is true i go

how about jews you got any jews he’s like oh

we don’t do that here i’m like what oh

he goes oh we don’t do that here

wow and he starts telling me how like

he’s had a clan

knock on his door

and give him

applications to join he’s like i won’t do it oh shit

then i’m asking

if you ever hook up with the mexican

he’s like oh no no no i’m like how

about black chick

no my family

would hate me i’m like

really it’s 2011

wow you’re not banging fucking

minorities i love that shit

that’s blake griffin

style you know what i’m saying

that’s pretty

crazy that they do that but

nicest crowd two

hours just crushing

wow well here’s another joke i

haven’t done a while

bam bam bam

so yeah did you

think now because of the internet well i

would obviously

these people

aren’t the coolest if they’re talking all this

crazy racist

shit but do you

think that there’s

no he was a nice guy though i mean like i know some guy

i know that

sounds nuts

well he was

just he’s stuck in this

place i think it’s yeah hmm

that’s an interesting argument but i

think if you’re

connected to the internet and this is what

gonna be my point

at a certain

point in time you realize like you know

you can find the

right information and the

right people to hang

out with and people can get access to information in

places where they

never could before

like if you were

stuck in some

small town in oklahoma back in the day

your environment that’s like

that’s how you grew

up you know i mean you had to get the fuck out of there

and go to college in new york or something to really

break out of it right

that’s what

a lot of people did

but now you don’t

because of the internet you’re

always getting access to all kinds of shit online like

look my message

board twitter all kinds of shit

there’s always

new information

new intelligent

discussions

maybe discussions you can’t have in your town

you can have them on

a message board

somewhere but you’re

aggressive you go for it you go you

search this

stuff i find

that people most people don’t want to do that

and i think most

of the damage gets everyone hates fox news and all that

stuff i really

think like most

of the damage in terms of misinformation

is done on the

local news level have you ever

watched local news

it’s brutal

crazy brutal the

stuff that they’re

saying you’re like that is so far from the truth

but nobody has anything

they don’t know that i

watched this one on marijuana this

local news show they were talking

about marijuana this is new

strain of marijuana like it’s so

strong it’s actually causing people to go insane

and they were like real serious and reading

their notes and i was like what

you can’t just say that misinformation

on the local

level that’s that was the other

thing it said and possibly

could be deadly

possibly like in

the realm of like

the only way we can be deadly is if somebody

ties together some like 50

pound bundles and

throws them out of one of those

fucking drug

planes and they land on your head yeah

that’s the only way weed is deadline

unless it’s some kind of weed

what’s deadly

about it is that

that there’s stuff

added to it

like where people put cocaine on weed

a lot of people do that well you can do

we could be so

strong you think you

might die i’ve been there like oh dude this is it it’s

the big ending

i got chris mcguire high once and he swore that

he was laced

he didn’t know he’d

never had some of that real strong

california medical weed

especially like

a real strong sativa

most guys like

what people don’t know is you

know most of

the weed you get all across the country if you’re not

in a medical program you’re usually getting

indica because it’s easier and

cheaper to grow

but the sativa is a totally different kind of high

when you give it to someone like mcguire is not just

chris regards a very funny

comic but he’s just he

doesn’t get

stoned a lot

and we got him bake

one night in the back area of the comedy

store and we were bullets

greek so it’s me and him and joe diaz

so he’s trying to keep up with me and joe diaz

oh my god i

can’t keep up with joe diaz

you know and

that he was convinced

he was convinced he was convinced he was on some drugs

no there’s something in this

something in this i’m like yeah it’s called good weed

son yeah that

sounds like

a girl yeah

it sounds like a girl who like

gets drunk does some

stuff in the next day it’s like oh i

wouldn’t have done it someone

had to slip me something no you just got a little

crazy you know what i

think it is a lot of people use

their bowls like

especially when you’re out in a

place like you want to hit this and you’re

like okay but what they don’t tell you is like oh last

night i smoked hash in that

you know and there’s hash in that bowl

because i smoked a hit off of somebody’s bowl the

other day and it

tastes like potpourri

that reminds me of like when i used to

smoke opium i’m like

that tastes like opium

i wonder if this guy had opium in that bowl before

you know whoa

you were smoking opium

like fucking

white up and shit

yeah chinese

like what was that how is that high opium

yeah it was pretty sweet it was mellow

just mellow high it’s like heroin

i mean that’s

basically heroin i mean i didn’t fucking see

babies crawling on the

ceiling or anything well you don’t see that on heroin

right heroin’s not a hallucinogen

hero i don’t like

needles i don’t think so

the movie trainspiting was all

about the hallucinos well

it depends on how long you’ve been

doing it you know it’s like if you do meth you’re not

gonna be like

tearing you know

painting the

house but if you do it like for like

two weeks straight you’re probably

gonna think your

house needs to get

painted i thought

for sure yeah

eddie bravo

always dated a

bunch of bitches that were hooked on speed

and he used to tell me that like he had like all

these like rules like how you

could tell when

chicks your date were on

speed and one of them is

their fucking

house is spotless

oh yeah their

house is spotless and they’re always

cleaning and like

these bitches

never eat and they’re always

they’re never

tired they were

never eating and they

never tired

and it was like the best thing

about them is that you

could fuck them in the ass because there was

never any poop in there

that’s hilarious

that sounds like survival’s guide

the banging meth heads

that’s hilarious dude

i always thought

the sham wild guy was on meth because

if you ever listen to the

commercial he’s always like

how much you

spend on cleaning supplies a

month or like

60 70 like who’s doing that much

cleaning bro

unless you’re

meth out of your mind

definitely doing something

cause he had a

fight with a prostitute with a prostitute

bit his tongue

that’s right so he was tongue kissing a prostitute

she bit down on his tongue and he

punched her in the face

he has that new movie

that came out is that a

movie yeah he’s like producing

movies now and

how much money do you make off that channel oh

millions that’s hilarious millions

he actually did that old

movie that the new york times gave

zero stars to you ever hear about that

movie had like

bobby lee in it and

wheels parisi

do you remember that movie

didn’t they make that in mexico

yeah it’s like joe diaz were supposed to be on that

movie but something happened like

they were supposed to send him like

money in advance or something like

that because he thought it was shady and he didn’t go

that’s the sham wild

guy made this yeah

that’s funny because the new one has like lindsay lohan

there’s a part in it

and stuff like

wow guys lindsay lohan

maybe she was high

where’s lindsay but the

movie i like

cracked out lindsay

because i got a shot with

cracked out lindsay

jesus freak lindsay she’s

i think buddy

mine was banging there

i loved it buddy mine

who’s in a band

it was a really

crazy story man

he was a real good dude man and

i’ve never seen anybody get hooked on drugs

more clearly like

you know like you hang out with someone once

and then you see them

again like six

months later

like i hung out with him once

and he was like

super cool and friendly and

happy and he’d been really doing a lot of yoga

and he’s like man you know i just

found out when i exercise like you’re

gonna think

clear i’m really into that lately and

kinda like just cut

way back in the party

i don’t know what the fuck happened to him

but then i saw him six

months later and he was like trying to sell me a

stereo or something oh that’s

just jacked out and shaken and it was

it was warm out but this

motherfucker was freezing

and he was like

covering himself with his jacket

while he was talking to me

and it was like so horrible it was like i

watched like a dude who’d gotten a

you know it’s like he’s

been infected

by the stereo

didn’t mind

i love this

get correct discounts bro i had a fat tv

for a while for 20 bucks

crackhead sold it to me i’m like you’re moving

right oh yeah yeah i’m moving i

gotta sell it

i’m like 20

bucks nice television it’s not amazing that

they need it so bad they’re willing to give you a tv

for 20 bucks

mm hmm what is that

evolutionary oh it’s

stolen what the

fuck is i don’t give a shit is it

stolen it might be

theirs bro a lot of people before they

start stealing they

start selling

their own shit really

cheap because that’s the only shit they can i mean

if they can

if it’s different

to you waiting six

hours and getting 200

bucks or selling it

right now and getting 20 and then getting high

right away a lot of guys will just take that 20

yeah i don’t know if it’s

evolution i just

think people we’ve gotten so

away from our primal

roles do you know what i’m saying

that people are

bored and i mean they don’t know what to

do with themselves because we’re you know it’s back to

where meant to be hunting there meant to be

women are meant to be raising babies and

yeah you know

the way i’ve always described it is that we have this

ancient hardware

these ancient

bodies yeah that are used to like a certain amount

we need a certain amount of input

we’re designed

to like like the reason why people need human

touch we need camaraderie like if you don’t have

human touch it

doesn’t seem like you

should that

should like

one hundred percent

babies can die if

it could human

one hundred

percent no i mean it’s like it’s a real needy

thing i mean

it’s a need it’s not you know so

where did that evolve from will that evolve

from the fact that we need to stay together as

tribes and this is the way we bond together like we

literally need each

other and if we’re

separated from each

other for any long length of time we feel terrible

and get sick

i never read a book called

why do beautiful people have more

daughters i

think i might talk to you

about that they talk

about how like

human beings we’re

still wired like cavemen

we have very primal

drives inside us and

they say it takes 10 000 years

for something to

either leave us or

a new way of thinking

it takes that long

to cycle out it makes

sense i mean how else

could it do it quickly

but the world is

changing so fast that you know

it’s just it’s a

completely different environment than 10 000 years ago

every single aspect of it from gathering food

you know i was

thinking about this the other day

i pulled into

wendy’s i was hungry and

i got a cheeseburger and i’m sitting there in my car

eating his cheeseburger i’m like how did i get meat so

quick you know

literally like it was a minute

between the time that i talked into the

speaker to the time

i’m biting down this cheeseburger it was one minute

it was so goddamn fast

i pulled up i gave him the

money the guy gave me a bag i’m like really this is it

then i sit there and i’m eating this cheeseburger

and then i’m like

this is so crazy i want some

wendy’s i want to be amazed by fast food that’s funny

being baked

so it’ll do for you

but i was thinking it’s so incredible that i have a

piece of a dead

animal that’s cooked already and it’s in my

mouth and it’s one

minute it’s crazy

right i mean

fast food is really

a motherfucker because we

all these other

things that we

think are important

we gotta rush

around and get this and get that done that’s not

really what’s important what’s important is sustenance

you have to be able to feed yourself you

gotta be able to

close yourself you

gotta have loved ones around you

gotta have a good time

that’s what’s really important

but all that’s

fucking shit i got a meeting at five and i

gotta get here and i

gotta make this happen the meeting is

gonna make sure that

my career moves forward in a certain direction then i’m

gonna work more

hours and i don’t have time for food

you know but shit man what are you doing this for like

where is this going yeah

what happens at the end

you get a fucking bag of gold and you get to run off to

leprechaun land

or yeah we just get a fucking

heart attack and

and shit your

pants in your bed

while you’re clutching onto your chest

and you die in a puddle

of your own diarrhea with a fucking busted open heart

crazy because you’ve been

because you’ve

been riding on a diet pill fucking freight train

that was my diarrhea

sound that was the

sound that was

great what’s the

heart attack sound

what was the heart attack sound you make a heart attack

brian’s still rocking the cigarettes man

how are you talk about health yeah smoke cigarettes

but so weird cause my grandpa smoked cigarettes forever

yeah minded my grandpa really

smokes cigarettes but he smoked pipes

tobacco like out of pipes are actually good for you

it’s not bad

yeah but it’s not you

blow out more smoke than a

cigarette right but you don’t

hail that you don’t inhale that doesn’t fuck your lungs

really amazed when i hear

people still smoke

it just blows my mind

tobacco in medical it doesn’t taste good what is it

well tobacco has actually been shown

medically nicotine rather has

been shown medically to actually have

a beneficial aid to a lot of different things

you know nicotine is actually not that bad for you

especially in like small doses

nicotine is not what’s really

dangerous what’s really dangerous is probably the 599

additives in cigarettes

and that are designed

to make you remember that

russell crowe

movie the insider

yeah yeah yeah

went over all the shit that they that’s already

dioxide too

right that’s not good for either

i mean anything

smoke is bad

and that’s why we’re hitting the

vaporizer right right

i feel way better

after using the

vaporizer than i do

smoke and joints not a stoned

really yeah i don’t feel

stoned at all

right now let’s go back in there son

see that’s what i’m

saying it just seems like

vaporizers to me

for the most part

just waste weed

like that much weed

that you put in there

you could have had a joint and we

would all been fucking

blown out yeah

but it’s a health thing

that’s the reason why it’s there

i mean if you have a joint a day who gives a fuck

that’s not that bad for you if you’re doing joey diaz

type smoking

where you’re just non stop joints yeah

that’s when it gets bad

yeah but joe diaz is

self medicating

you guys talk amongst yourself when i get some weed

so sam you have the naughty show tomorrow

right at the

airport very

excited about it

doug benson’s on it

right doug benson

jenna hayes

jay hayes is nice

yeah we got some fun people coming down jeff richards

gonna be playing

drunk girl no way yeah

that’s kind of cool

actually that

was one of the few characters from the old siren

night lives i used to actually

enjoy watching was jeff richards as the

drunk girl but now he’s that’s considered old siren

super blue dream

ladies and gentlemen

super blue dream

ari’s a full on

stoner now i

guess i didn’t realize

that i went on tour with him i’m like wow

when i first

moved out to california

duncan and ari were like my two

first friends

and we would like

always film

videos like

duncan was always trying to be

famous with his little hobo

video guy so we

would make little

videos for him

and one time i got

stoned and ari’s like

didn’t smoke weed and i was like dude just

smoke this is actually the shittiest

weed you could

possibly buy

meanwhile it’s like the it was the best weed

ever i just

so he fills up the bong

i know well you know

it’s just like

you hang out with

comics that you know will benefit

from weed and you’re like dude come on you’ll like this

chill out you need to take it here i’mma push

this so anyways

he fills the bong up fucking

coughs a lung out fucking

crazy stoned and then he goes

well you gonna need to tell people why that makes you

crazy stoned

because it opens up your

supposedly when you cough it opens up the air

or the blood

vessels in your lungs that

makes more thc

go into your that

sound you hear is the grinder

grinding the marijuana to put inside the

paper with your

fancy grinders

people always say you cough

when you cough

you get off

where’s your

fancy grinder joe

where’s that

t shirt so anyways

but what’s crazy is

after he did

all this i thought he was hanging out for a while

he goes damn i’m

late for my audition or something like that i got a jet

and i lived in calabasas and he was

going to hollywood

which is like a good 30 minutes away

and so supposedly he was so

stoned he was driving like

so slow on the highway he was sitting at

green lights not knowing the go

well that’s why like most times when you talk feel

like yeah i got i got high ones really didn’t feel it

cause you’re always really

light on oh just a little hit just a little hit

right just make him go for it yeah now he

smokes 80 times more than me oh yeah you

know like i’m one of

those guys that

i’ll take a good one or two hits here and there

during the day when i’m working or doing something

but he’s one of

those guys that just wakes up and

smokes and eats and just

everything weed

non stop now he loves the weed

i just can’t

i get paranoid a little bit

yeah well you

should be paranoid

bitch well i am

i haven’t been getting paranoid anymore

i don’t know if that’s just over

it’s called not

being made a song about it

yeah so tomorrow

nights naughty show i’m very

excited about dude

yeah naughty

show if you’ve

never seen it before it’s not just a comedy show

it’s a comedy show with a

bunch of sketches and all kinds of

other crazy shit

you still toss in my fucking my boy

brian’s ex on stage the

she hasn’t done she hasn’t been

ah she did something in vegas

he’s banged

more girls in my show than i have i’ve banged none

he’s banging

that’s good

for you that shows your character

and your dedication to a fine show

someone needs to pick this fucking show up

vegas people

you people at the palms

you want you want to show what’s gonna

bring people

in over hard

rock you people with the hard rock fuck the palms

i wouldn’t say

fuck the palms i love the palms palms is cool man

it’s cool too

why do you want to do the hard rocking on the palms

because courts at the palms and that’s his

house and he’s my friend and i

would never do anything

wrong by the way what the fuck that’s more of a

party anyway

well you remember they used to have that have you

been by the cosmetall

cosmopolitan

is that what’s called

it’s the new

hotel dude it is nuts

i couldn’t believe i’m like wow this is top

shelf crazy

yeah we’ll be there next weekend next weekend is

mandali day i’m

so jealous of

you guys dude

come on down

i’d like to come

watch man i’d like to

see that weekend yeah dude that’s

gonna be such a

great job john jones

607 brother that’s my home area buffalo no

it’s actually

he’s binghamton i’m cortland we’re just outside

syracuse man 6 07 dude

do you feel like

he’s representing yeah oh

i get such pride

it’s armenian

it’s a great

fight that’s

gonna be a good fight it

is very dangerous anderson

silva is gonna be a good fight too

yeah anderson

silva vs vitor

but you changed like

training partner

training anderson did

no belfort i read

changed his

training manager

no no no no he just

had sean thompkins was one of his

striking coaches

and he worked with him for he’s been working on for a

while he stopped

going with him and he’s working with ray sepho now

that shit to ray

sephos a bad

motherfucker yeah i’m sure i just get

worried when you

start changing

trainers right before

like a week

before the fight that’s kind of

weird i don’t know how many weeks has been

but i don’t know i’m

excited for that

fight i like both

those guys man and they’re both

those guys are getting octagon and have that like

let that like

world class

scare you like factor

you know you’re like oh man look who’s across the way v

tour’s so fast man

he could catch anybody

you know but anderson’s so

smart and so technical

you know it’s like

you know a lot of people

are saying well anderson had a problem with shale

sun and stand up

totally true but

i don’t think he was anticipated as much i

think he was anticipating jail to try to take him down

whereas with vitor

he’s definitely

gonna be thinking

about vitor

stand up it’s a very interesting

fight i can’t wait man i can’t wait

it’s like finally

someone is not intimidated they’re both intimidators i

think that’s a big thing

and it’s just

i mean to be that

successful in the octagon is

crazy for that long

since 2006 you’re

gonna have to do your own ufc

drunk pass that night

yeah brian’s

gonna be there live you guys

by the way the

nighty show podcast number two is now up on itunes cool

thank you i’m good dude

i’m good i’m good

i’m good trust me

just take one hit

duncan trust him

that was a fake hit that was he’s like a girl

i know that

it does it now

he’s like a girl

what a girl’s

known for fake

hits what does that even mean i don’t even know hmm

so i was reading online some people are

upset at you because of

that you got a kick out of a girl calling you a nigger

can you believe that

they’re mad at me yeah why

do they think it’s

racist they don’t

understand context and they don’t

understand that you have opened yourself up and

you’re communicating with all these

folks online honestly as if they were friends

see we are all

friends here and we’ve been friends for many years

and you’re treating us and you’re

treating these people online the same as the same way

you’re trying

to free them that’s what i’m doing i’m like

cause i feel like

sex is like

the thing that defines

you the most and sometimes if you’re in the weird shit

you like hide it and that’s how you know you end up

hanging yourself in a fucking

closet you know what i’m saying

jerking off well people

think there’s something

wrong with you

because you like that and that’s a strange

thing man that someone

would judge you for liking that

i don’t care man you know

you’re not a

racist at all i mean

i love people i’ve

known sam for more than a decade and he’s

never showed any prejudice towards anything i love

men or women or gays or

you know and everybody on an

individual basis

absolutely you you are a hundred percent across the

board like that

but you know there’s something

about you that likes naughty shit yeah

i mean that’s why you have this show called the naughty

she’s a little

messed up if you’re banging a chicken

she’s calling you a niggers like there’s something

about that that’s like

i can’t believe we’re doing this i dig it dude you know

i’m saying cause it’s like taboo man

that’s what everybody likes people online

are such fucking

knuckleheads that for whatever

reason they’re turned off by this like they don’t

understand good

way to alienate a crowd

good way to

alienate your audience

what are you saying by being honest

he’s not calling people niggers and matter of fact

he’s not even calling the girl that he’s banging yeah

i’m getting called it he’s getting called

it dude have you ever been called the n word by a

black guy it’s the

greatest feeling ever it’s

paul mooney

yeah dude i love that he goes oh use

use it you ain’t

white homie

you saw meaning he was a

nigga i was like oh you’re gonna

find out someday homie

you’re a nigga

yeah you’re a

nigga you’re a

nigga with whiter skin okay you’re a

nigga it’s just so interesting

like racism used to be joe

you can’t go here you can’t do this you

can’t date them you can’t work here you can’t eat here

now it’s like

cause you don’t

agree with the context of the joke it’s a

racist joke it’s there’s nothing

racist nobody’s being held back

no one’s being

forced into something

it’s the slippery

slope because for a

while there

you couldn’t question it

if someone goes you’re

racist you’re

like okay hey dude dude yeah let’s not get

crazy right

right right it’s like

1980 99 of the

week girls will say you hate

women yeah you

know if you

think they’re cunts like you hate

women brian

possein is the best line

because a girl actually said that to him

he goes yeah you know here’s a

funny thing

every girl that said that to me

i hate yeah

that’s a great line

that’s so true like the idea that you

stand for everyone with a vagina that’s

completely ridiculous

because we’re

in an argument and i disagree with you all of a

sudden i have issues with all women

no that’s like

a weakening

thing it’s like a

trick that they use on you to like to try to get you to

submit and it’s

about trying to stop the conversation

cause they have no

more i’m gonna

label you you’re a

racist that’s what racism

used to be if i called you

racist like ten years ago that was the

death blow hey settle down bob

no hey that’s how long just

you’re racist oh

come on let’s not get

crazy it’s like well you’re getting good putting a

label is it

it’s a funny thing man

you know i have a joke

about it like

that you know i

never say the word niger

unless i’m on

stage or unless i know for sure

there’s no white people around

but i don’t say it like

like hey there’s a

bunch of niggers i say it like

your friend walks up there’s no

white people like what’s up nigga

yeah give each

other a pound

it’s also so interesting how the rule applies

to like who it applies

to who doesn’t

apply to like i’ve

heard comedians all the time yet saying the n word on

stage black guys

no i’ve heard

white guys say it but only if they’re

using it in like

saying that someone said it

like i saw norton this weekend and he was doing a

bid on mel gibson

hilarious by the way jim norton was funny

yeah he’s very

funny he was hilarious dude i

laughed hard it was the first time

that i had got the

scene like a

guy do like a real headline set in a long time

anyway he was doing a thing

about mel gibson

where he was

saying the word you know like

mel gibson say

i hope you get raped by a pack of niggers

and you know

it was really

funny but he

had to say that word because it was in that contrast

he was in this is he’s repeating what mel gibson said

so if he said the n word it would have

sounded awkward right

so mel gibson

said i hope you get attacked by a pack of n words

no honestly

just gonna repeat what he said

right you have to say it

i always felt mel gibson wasn’t who

did mean it in a racist

kind of way

he just meant it he’s in an interracial gangbang porn

and he just want to see his girl get ganged by

black guys he’s an asshole no he is an asshole

he is an asshole

calling you know it’s a different

when i was and i got

people gave me shit

about that joke like

about even saying it in that joke and saying that i

would call my friend a nigger

but i would say that

i would never do it there’s

black people around like i don’t want any

black people to get offended i don’t want anybody’s

feelings to be hurt by the words that i say but

what’s so what’s so big

isn’t it supposed to be all about

intense i don’t get why people want to keep taking

things away i understand

why because they have jobs bro and they have to work

and when people

have to work and you’re in that sort of environment

where everybody’s like super

proper and you can’t say certain things

they want to keep taking more

things away

you know it’s like it

used to be able

to call retards in the office i’m sure used to be

but if you work

if you’re like a boss and you have a

bunch of employees and you start

throwing around the road retard and

this fucking dopey cunt

you know you

start talking like that

bro you can get sued yeah 100

they’ll sue you and

they’ll like you

know you’ll have to like pay out your employees because

subjecting them to like and i can

understand that but like in terms of art

like art is meant to

stimulate whether it’s positive or negative its you

is that true though

i mean it’s

expression right

it’s expression

but it’s an

expression and if someone

violently disagrees with your

expression they

violently disagree with the thought behind it

so if it’s like

you have a racist

bit and it’s

clearly a real

racist bit and even though you

think it’s really

funny and a lot of

racist people

think it’s really funny

for some people it’ll be like whoa whoa whoa

this is a bad

expression i want to stop this

right where it is

right i see what you’re doing here

i totally agree that but

i mean personally man i love america i love like this

southern cal is the

greatest thing

cause there’s so much diversity here

anywhere else you

go there’s nothing

and i know there’s like part of england

and france germany are very diverse but no one has a

latin american

like population that we have and it’s like

that’s what makes america

amazing and then you go to somewhere like

canada where it’s all

white people it’s like just a

weird kind of like but they’re also

super fucking friendly

and no they are they are

crime they are

like you know it’s

like what do you want you want all the flavor and the

crime or do you want like less flavor nice people

it’s a tricky thing

that’s why a lot of people

move to colorado

after they live in

california that’s

one of the reasons why i did it’s

like people are different there they’re a little more

relaxed there’s less

crime it’s less bullshit

is those angst

you know i like the diversity dude i like

it too but i don’t like all the goddamn traffic in the

crime no that is one

thing you know but i like diversity i like my

tricky shit different

i like how everybody’s different

i’m so used to it now

at first it was kind of

scary i guess

because i mean it really is like

where i live i’m one

white person on a

block almost

it’s just everywhere i look it’s you know

not white people

so at first it was kind of

scary but now it’s like if you feel used to it almost

like it feels like oh no no i’m

in a mexican look i mean la is

great you can get in with

a armenian taxi driver take you to a hip hop club

dance to the hip hop

it’s not the diversity that’s the problem

it’s the overpopulation

it’s too many people

and when you have too many people for sure there’s

gonna be a bunch of crime

just the way it is so

there’s only so many resources and some people got take

resources that aren’t

readily available

well there’s that yeah and then there’s also just as

all gonna be in more bad

apples cause there’s more

humans you know right

one person out

of a million is doing fucked up shit that’s

gonna make the news and there’s no

one ever heard anymore yeah

if you make it to the

party you can stay at the

party you know i’m saying yeah

you can’t fix them and you can’t kill them

so what you

gotta do you

gotta lock them in

boxes i also

think that you know i mean in terms of

racism i think there’s something about

and you seen in la a lot is like

people like to believe there’s some

shadow group out there holding them down

right you know and that’s across the

board yeah like there’s

some people who like to act like it’s nineteen fifties

and like they’re

oppressed now i’m not saying one certain

group but you see certain people saying that like

right female

comics make me laugh

because they’re always talking

about how hard it is to be a female comic

but usually

what they’re bitching

about is the same thing male

comics have to do

i think it’s harder to be a

chick man i

think it is too i don’t i

think you move very quickly

i think there used to be but now you see

these girls

who are hitting

quicker and

they’re learning comedy on the fly

if they kind of

they get success before they get

success and

stand up they get tv

success yeah they get

everything so they learn

they’re making they’re having a career why they’re

learning so i

think like it’s in that

sense it’s i

think if you show a little bit of like

skill you get

moved up quicker

in my opinion

well i think they’re looking for

funny chicks because they’re so rare

so when you see one they’re so rare that that’s why you

think that they get

moved up quicker

because there’s guys are getting

moved up at the same rate

but there’s more guys

so it’s like you know it’s harder

for each individual guy

but for i think it’s the same amount of

chicks get success as guys

and i think it’s harder

i think their subject matters limited

they can’t talk anything

about politics i don’t hear politics out of some chicks

mouth who the

fuck you to be running this country hooker

you know guys will hear a woman talk

about politics and instinctually want to

think the opposite they wanna

cause they’re trying to

combat this

woman from taking over like it’s like

natural tribal

monkey instincts that you have to suppress

in order to let a woman talk

so you got this

woman who’s talking and she’s on

stage in front of a

crowd with a

microphone and a spotlight

and you’re a man

you’re a man and she’s commanding the attention well

just your caveman instincts are like there’s something

wrong with this

dynamic i i don’t know man i just like some like

a lisa lampanelli i feel that she’s able to say things

because of how she looks and who she is and she’s

funny joe diaz isn’t

it’s the same

thing man yeah but

ugly people can rock it harder

you know why because they’re ugly

right there’s something that’s a weapon when you’re a

comic being ugly and fat and fucked up is a weapon

you use that shit like this

motherfucker’s

funny already

why because in real

life we’ve come to associate ugly fat fucked up people

with the guys who are

the most reckless

they say the

crazy shit they’re the ones who get hammered probably

funny right

you know probably

how to develop a good personality

because chicks

weren’t into him because he had a gut you know

those guys are a lot of times well that’s more comedy

comes from because it’s a

defense mechanism but for what i’m saying is for a

woman who’s a normal looking

woman you’re

a normal looking man you know a normal looking

woman i think it’s harder for her than it is for you

go on stage and

i think it’s harder for them

that i think

their subject matter is more limited

especially if it’s a regular looking girl

like there’s a lot more

dirty girl comics now that are good i

think because of

sarah silverman

like they saw

that she was successful

and then there’s a lot of pervert

chicks out there but they were like holding that back

you know and so now

i think they’re recognized that’s a viable option and

people actually like it they like that kind of comedy

no i think they do

they accept

it cause it’s paradigms

that’s my opinion

but i get dirty they’re like

oh man you know all

great frat boy comedy if a girl gets dirty

girls are almost like

yeah you’re representing us

they sort of

it’s not dumb i think

sarah was the first

sarsovan was the first like

really good female

dirty yeah she’s very

funny she’s really good joan

rivers was phenomenal yeah

she was good i mean

when she was not

dirty like sarah silverman though

sarah silverman’s brutal

i mean maybe joan

rivers is saucy

you know but

sarah silverman i love taking

shits and elevators and she’s fucking

funny man yeah

and then lee’s

rock finale

came through and she’s really

dirty too yeah

there’s many more of

those now but i think

sarah was like the

first one that was like really good chelsea

yeah chelsea

she’s a party girl

yeah i feel like that’s more acceptable yeah

that’s what

i’m trying to

say i’m just

saying it’s

still harder for the chick man

it’s harder to be you’re

more nervous you have no you know physical confidence

i see dude here’s another thing man

you know it’s like and then i

recently i was leaving the improv

and i saw this female

comic who used to just get

blackout crazy drunk

at the comedy

store can’t

quite remember name by used to watch it

going that girl is a

train wreck

i walk by i see her

she’s like hey i’m like hey what’s up she’s like

got married

and then is driving this

fat lexus suv

so i always feel like

as a female

comic you have an out

you have a backup plan my backup

lamp i’ll make is

failure tell me you

can’t find some gay guy and suck his dick and i’ll give

you a house

listen bro you

could find some sugar mama

if she’s got some

ugly dude that she’s banging you can find some ugly

chick right divorced

if you really wanted to do that you

could do that but

how many girls want to be

under control of

some man for money

you’re saying that that’s like a viable option

you’re gonna drop the

standards that low

and assume that

women will do that and get

married to some dude just for

money like all

of them have that in the bag like as a escape

clause i don’t see you can say that for you too because

you’re making an assumption that

chicks would be willing to do that they

would all be willing to do that

that’s not what

i’m not saying all them i’m saying that is

a is an option but it’s not an option for all of them

first of all it’s not an option because they

don’t want that they don’t want some dude that they’re

not in love with they’re just there with the money

you know so

a lot of them there’s no option

you know you’re

assuming i’m high

right now i

can’t remember i had a rebut to that but i just i just

i think it’s hard

on every my

point being

everybody has the same kind of like

problems and

comedy is just a hard

business you know i’m saying it’s easy it’s hard but

they’re like the actual business is not the easiest

thing in the

world no i think that

everybody and

sometimes people want to make it up like

they have a harder

time than everybody else do you know what i’m saying i

agree with you 100

people definitely do that

and when i see like some 20 year old kid on youtube

bitching about

racism i’m like

you’re like

it’s a different time people are getting

along better everyone’s boning

you know it’s also but

it’s in his perspective he

still sees an injustice

even though it’s like

you’re like well it’s not the 1950s

where they can’t use the same

water fountain

so there’s no injustice like

lighten the fuck up

he still sees something there’s

still some sort that’s

what i’m saying it’s like everyone believes as this

person holding them down yeah that is a problem man the

self defeating

sort of attitude that some people have that it’s like

hey man so stacked against me

you know there’s some guys that the

world is always fucking

stack one hundred percent

one hundred percent

nicked apollo

love them to

death it’s one of the funniest fucking guys out there

but i got nick

he played the part of my brother on newsradio

and nick is just always used to everybody being a cunt

these fucking quiz

these fucking cocksuckers

these motherfuckers fucking with me

he’s always like someone’s

always an asshole this guy’s a douchebag and this

you know whatever

so it’s like nick

depaulo’s like always got this like negative vibe so

worst case scenario

the casting lady

was a poonhound or a male

version the female version of a male poonhound

love dudes right

and now i’m not saying she did anything with

these dudes but she

loved to have them as friends

it was so big for her she loved it

and she had all these guy

buddy friends and she’d hook them up with parts

and sometimes they

weren’t very fucking good

they weren’t good

actors but they were pals with her so they got cast for

these roles

well when we

wrote this script

you know there was

two i had three brothers and two brothers were

gonna be played by my friends

brian callan played one brother

and nicked apollo

britt played the

other brother

right and we had already worked it out

with the producers and this is exactly what we wanted

they knew these

guys the guys had come in like they they knew like

they’d been familiar with their work

like this is perfect this

would be really funny well

that my friend goes in to meet the casting lady

and it’s supposed to be like pre arranged

and she decides that she’s

gonna put like some

other boyfriend of hers in so

she cuts him off she cuts the polo off

and like does something with the

paperwork i don’t know

what the fuck she did i don’t know how she finangled it

but all the sudden

she made it is look as if

he couldn’t

do it and this guy’s doing it so i call nick up

and i go what happened he goes

i don’t know what the

fuck happened you know i went down there talk to the

so i go hold on a

second i’m gonna fix it i’ll call you

right back so

we had to tell the girl no this this part was already

given to this guy

and so nick couldn’t believe it

when he came back

on the set when he was on the set he’s like it’s real

i’m really he’s hilarious

just waiting for someone

to fuck it up and boom somebody fucked it up for him

you know it’s

self fulfilling prophecies

man that goes back to what you’re saying and he’s

really negative but i mean for me it was really funny

that it just like he’s always that way

he’s always negative

but that’s why it’s fucking comedy so

funny he’s very

funny i worked with him at the riviera o

many years ago

it was a lot of fun

he’s very nice guy dude nicked apollo

is a killer when i saw him back in boston he was like

he was like i was an open mic or i was just

starting out and he was like

a real pro by then like

maybe two years in so he

was like doing a lot of road gigs middling for people

you know he was like

super active

and i remember

watching him on

stage once his stitches just fucking

light the place

up for 20 minutes and i was like wow

i could can i do that someday

you know it’s like some of my favorite jokes so vicious

you know vicious with material matters

he was something

about aids awareness like who

doesn’t know

about aids dogs fuck with condoms now

he’s so funny dude

that sounds totally like a nick depaul

alive he’s so funny man

yeah fucking that’s that

watching that whole casting agent

thing was so fascinating man

this woman’s such a crazy

male version of you know a guy who uses the casting

couch and if it was a guy that was doing that he

would be a piece of shit

if there was a guy that was you just need a podcast

you just need to get a podcast joe

that’s what the casting couch is

like you know to some people

okay what i was saying was

just what this woman

would do was the male

but no it’s not

what i’m saying is

it’s like a casting

couch is the new version of the cast

is it casting is that your

game is that your

game no i’m not bringing anybody on

this show that my band is that’s what he’s saying he is

a little bit

that’s great totally fucking joking you’re not joking

because no one else thought that

that isn’t even in the

back of my head but in your head it’s in the for now

that’s in millions of people’s heads

do you have girls bombing

on you because of this podcast

no not because of this podcast i’m saying podcasting

podcasting is the new the

couch like hey

you want a podcast we can hook you up with a podcast no

you’re saying

this you’re acting like this you’re

saying this

is ridiculous

no one else

is saying that dude

this is not like a common theme

no that’s what i am saying it’s you you’re doing

it that’s the new version

of the casting

couch nowadays

not casting

is so big no

it’s not you

silly fuck and here’s why

because you’re not auditioning people for a part

you don’t have them come in and

maybe i like you and

maybe i like you

the reason why

these people have

these weird relationships is

they get the person whoever’s acting

whoever wants

these parts

thinking that

look there’s a thousand people trying out for this

who’s gonna be my best friend

who’s gonna be close yeah

definitely you see it all the time dude i’ve seen when

they would cast for some things you

would see a big fuckin line of people and this

power this ultimate

power over the people that come in

casting people

some of the fucking

creepiest people have

very nice ones

don’t get me

wrong i met a

bunch of very very nice ones

some of them

they don’t take advantage of the

power and they’re just friendly people

and everyone’s

nice to them because everybody wants to be on a show

so for the most part the job is pretty positive

and they look they got this guy

the guy who

got me fear factor jeff i’m

sorry i don’t remember his name

his last name

he was a great guy a

super super friendly

guy like no negativity at all and he was a casting guy

but he was a guy who genuinely

loved productions and

loved good work and loved

putting together tv shows and shit and

he had cast a bunch of

really good shows

so it was a positive

but a lot of them man they just fucking feed off that

power power corrupt

just creepy fucking shitty

dumbass opinions and

i remember being in a fucking casting agent

room with this chick and

she was like

chubby and unattractive

but very confident

which is always odd right

you know and

why joe bartnick has the best line he goes

never put a fat chicken

power because she has too many

axes to grind

true it’s true

and so this one

um she sits down with me and it’s like

um she sits down and you know she’s like judging me

breaking me down you know i’m this

young guy and

you know she’s probably like 40 and kind of creepy

and you know

there’s something predatory

about her right

so she starts talking

about where you from

and i said well

i was born in

new jersey but i grew up in boston she goes yeah

well i’m from jersey too

but i don’t tell anybody i tell them i’m from new york

i go why would you tell them that you’re from new york

and she goes

i don’t want people knowing i’m from new jersey

i go that’s

ridiculous i go so you’re telling me that like you

define people by what

state they tell you

they’re from

and she just looks at me and she goes

would you like to

start reading

like right there

and like and then i’m like what have i done

and then there’s a part in this fucking this

audition and it’s a really embarrassing audition okay

because i have to pretend that this cow is now my

girlfriend you know and then i love her

and then i have to

leave her and at one

point in time i have to sing a song to her

so i have to sing

this fucking the

lyrics to that tape

bruce springsteen song god

that tape would be

good oh my god

to this and

she is looking at me like with a half an eyebrow raised

and like you’re wasting your time i’m

never gonna give you this part anyway

but you have to do

it because i told you to do it so here’s your audition

scared person oh i was

death it was how many

people on the

drive dog shit logs coming out of my mouth

i was trying

to get him out it was like i had a hundred logs of

dried dog shit in my

mouth i’m just trying to

i gotta get him out one at a time

i can’t wait to

get him out and then finally i got it out and i got to

leave and that’s hilarious

i hate auditioning man

brutal it’s the

worst thing

about acting it’s like

here we want you to be we want to know that you can

pretend to be someone else so we’re going to give you

a totally alien environment

where you’re

sitting there there’s a camcorder on you assistance

everyone’s got their arms

crossed and you’re gonna read

and one time

i got annoyed once

cause i was doing

this audition and i was reading with this assistant

and this fucking dude couldn’t read man

it was like you’re supposed to be like

reading with him like some

like listen mike

if we don’t

get back there by six o’clock we’ve got a real problem

you have to be able to at

least say that

this guy was like listen

mike listen if

you don’t get back there by

ten o’clock we have

a real i’m not kidding this guy fucked up every line

he was like

super super nervous

he everything that came out of his

mouth was like a jumble

i’m like you stutter and fuck this is a

movie audition

i remember auditioning

for this really really bad sitcom not a sitcom

comedy movie

and i didn’t want to go on the

audition but i was i was like i don’t want to do this

movie if i ever do this

movie i’ll be unhappy my

agents like listen sometimes it’s better to get

things then

you turn them down then more people want to be

like oh that

doesn’t make any

sense but all

right you got me i’m there so i go and i audition

for it and it’s brutal

it’s so bad

it’s like this and i’m supposed to play this guy who’s

really happy

about being

married and i’m trying to convince my friend

that you know you can be

married to man is that

marriage is amazing who

wrote this it’s so bad i have no idea

it’s horrible there’s this horrible english director

you know he’s got this

like a really

powerful english accent and

he wants me to ad lib so i just get done with

these awful

awful words i mean the the dialogue was just wooden and

stupid and he’s like all right

this is the next

thing what i want you to do

is i want you to take this

piece of paper

and i want you to

write on it just married

you’re very excited

okay you you’re

going to let him know you know just married

and i stopped and i said

you know what i go if this guy was an actor

and we were on a set

and i was already

i already had the part

i might add live something and i

could probably come up with something i’d sit down and

you know figure out some good lines for this

right but this is an audition

and this guy’s

an assistant

and i don’t want to do that

i can’t so i said i actually said that like

these are my words i don’t want to do that

and they go okay well

thank you thank you for coming in okay and i

leave and my

agent calls me up fucking furious

what did you say to them

you know you can’t do that you’re gonna get

blackballed you understand

i go do i understand

i go what did i say i was honest i said this

is this is bad there’s an assistant here who can’t read

and you want me to ad lib

to some shitty fucking

movie what am i supposed to do there

why do they

yeah that’s just this time i don’t

think that what i did was rude i

think i let them know that i didn’t want to do their

movie yeah you have to have

you did you

gotta put your foot down once more

this town respects that i think

you can’t say come here

read this for the

first time now

write your own shit

and put it in there

well okay which will probably end up in the

movie though that’s a

great line do you really

zap judah did that

zap judah apparently was doing this

movie with some

guy and i don’t want to say the guy’s name

but it rhymes with

eddie murphy

and he was he

would say like really

funny lines

and then boxer

zab did i say zab judah

judah freelander

jesus christ the fuck is

wrong with me

jude is all together

yeah wow the boxers in a movie yeah

thank you for noticing that

that shit would have

went on the internet

oops too late anyway

so jude is doing this

movie and judah has all these like

great ad libs

and in the next scene like

in the next take like

eddie murphy’s got the ad libs now

judas now judas like an unpaid writer

like he’s writing all these

great lines now

eddie murphy

just jackson

that’s horrible

well it’s like

i you know what can you do

i totally get what they’re doing they’re trying to

find the best person for the job i get it i get it but

god damn it was dumb

you know who’s on set that’s always cool universally

makeup girls

you ever notice

that they’re always the

nicest people they always have a cool vibe i knew one

of those crazy

i knew one that was

completely insane so i’m

sorry yeah i met one

early on that

was just out of her fucking head and saying

was she attractive at all

cause she’s

attractive too no she wasn’t attractive

whoa who’s this

unicorn you

found of awfulness

i don’t know she’s a nice person she’s just a

crazy person

yeah i knew one

that does both

movies and but she also does porn sets and

she lives in a van

and it’s a sweet van but it’s

like you go in they have couches and you can

smoke weed but i

think she lives in it

what is it like

to go from columbus ohio like

where you grew up and all of a

sudden you’re in la

and you’re like

in the porn business for a

brief period

of time we were like hanging around with all

these people

like are you

loved or are you like are they like dude what’s

wrong with you

it was interesting

it was interesting seeing what that was all about

very quickly and

understanding how it works and how

you know the

whole game of

it that was interesting what did you get out of it like

you know did you did you get out of it like more of an

understanding for

those girls who do that well i

think the best

thing was is that you get

what i call it

i don’t know what

would be like a brother no

second cousin aids test

which is you know cause

every time they

shoot they get an aids test and then

if they don’t have aids then you don’t have aids

i love your maths

so ergo i don’t have a 38

test cousin

age test yeah

what if her

pussy is just

super resistant to it but your dick is just

her pussy is like it

could be trouble

but it’s better than who’s not having a

she got tough

she fucks so much the inside of his

completely calloused

to the point

where nothing can get in there’s no open skin

but meanwhile it’s like this you know this

leather pouch

that contains

aids loads yeah

and you’re sticking you’re

sticking your

dick in there well i mean most guys i don’t know

about you i

never went hey i

better get an aids test you know i

never really do that dude i got an aids test when

i got health insurance

when i was 24 25

and i was terrified

really absolutely

completely horrified

i was like thinking

about all the times

i had sex with our condoms i was like for sure one of

those girls has aids and now i have aids

like you know i was already 25 and i was

stupid and you know

you don’t even think

about what you’re doing you’re 25 if somebody gives you

an opening you

throw the pitch boom

it’s in the glove bam

you know it’s like peter

and even believe she’s letting you fuck her in the

first place

yeah it is truly amazing yeah your last

thing to do is

throw a condom on

half the time you know it’s like you don’t wear condoms

until you like have like in a like

one pregnancy

scare and then your

girlfriend’s like you

gotta wear a condom

this time like okay i wear a condom

anyway when we ever

get to the technology condoms feel good do you

think no i don’t

think they can do that i mean what what is it

gonna be how’s it

gonna feel as good as no sex as good as sex

maybe i mean who knows

who knows i mean what the fuck do i know i can’t

control what kind of inventions come you got a podcast

i okay got no power

i got no power

but you know so anyway

like i said when i was 25 did a lot of

stupid shit i made a lot of bad decisions i wasn’t a

mature thinking

adult i was a

child living on my own

so when that

age test came i was fucking petrified

i was positive that i had hiv i was just

thinking all

every dirty

skank that i ever

all would flash back and

find my memory

now you get sick

that sick feeling that you get especially

when you’re a kid

you don’t even realize

you have to find out from all your friends being honest

about the same situation but

nobody teaches you when you’re a

young boy like son

one day you’re

gonna have a hard on and that hard on is

gonna betray you

okay i just

wanna let you know you’re

gonna fuck a girl that you don’t even like

you don’t wanna be around her

and you’re gonna promise her you love her

you’re gonna talk to her

cause you mean it you’re

gonna talk to her

about having kids with her just because you

wanna stick your dick inside of her

and as much as

the hard as you try to do it

that’s the exact opposite how bad you’re

gonna feel when it’s over

when you have an orgasm

and you just have that fucking

terrible horrible feeling of regret

eddie bravo calls it post nut

syndrome that’s hilarious

the minute leaves who my friend

used to do just

crazy loud part

i used to do a bit

about it about

being stuck on a bus

and it’s like when you have a hard on it feels like

your dick is

driving the bus and you’re in the back seat

you’re sitting in the

back seat and you’re

watching life play out you’re

like what are you even doing up there do you know

where you’re going

you’re barely driving your life

but that when as soon as you orgasm all of a

sudden you’re at the

front of the bus hold onto the wheel

and you’re like how did i get here what am i doing here

i don’t even know how to get home who’s that

yeah what the fuck and

you know could you just cuddle and be tender

be tender what are you talking

about i gotta go i

gotta go i gotta go i

gotta go yeah and

you really did mean

everything you said

an hour ago you really meant all that shit

it’s so strange the difference between

how when you’re

horny and when you’re trying to have sex like

how passionate you

could be into someone

and then as soon as the orgasm goes away

all their qualities that you found

attractive now are annoying

didn’t somebody try to sue a guy for that like

really yeah she like for

deception or something yeah like she

that you know to get her in bed he said one thing then

afterwards he’s like

it didn’t happen she’s like

that’s a breach of contract almost yeah

i would imagine

i doubt it holds up in

court though

anything that you say

while you have a hard on

should not hold up in court i

think that is the ruling

yeah this should be

ridiculous it’s like he’s in a

compromised state

very clearly

did he have

a hard on yeah well what do you what did you

expect yeah

you asked him he was willing to marry you

his dick was a

quarter of an inch from your wet vagina

he’s gonna say yes okay i’ll marry you

what did i say

it’s really like

witchcraft no wonder why dudes

would like burn

chicks for witchcraft back in the day

they probably really believe that that was witchcraft

you know that

a woman put a

spell on you oh

yeah it didn’t make

sense like how can i be so enchanted by her

she’s a witch

and the other fat

chicks in the fucking community

come storming with torches

and light that

bitch on fire like the like

it’s always the fat chick

like those two

in my stories it is

do you know that

north carolina

football team the panthers two their

cheerleaders got busted

going at it

in a bathroom

stall at a restaurant

whoa and then the

one of the waitresses

called the cops and had them arrested

i’m like you know she’s just some chunky moo moo

that just fucking was player hating on

these two hotties

going i don’t know man if i was a regular

chick and i was working and some

skanks were

eating each

other’s assholes in the fucking

booth i might

go hey get the fuck out of here with your

dirty asshole

i would wait

to their final

table where

a french fry

could fall down a little creaking

public in the bathroom

all right you’re a

waiter at a

restaurant and two guys are having sex and licking each

other’s assholes

would you go yeah

i’m saying it’s okay you said a

booth okay no

i said a bathroom

did i say that i

think you said a

boo i’m in a bathroom you

met a stall

yeah bathroom yeah you confused the shit out yeah

you confused

the shit out i messed up

right now yeah

it’s just the

wrong word we got confused okay so i get your point

yeah if they

were banging in the bathroom i’d probably let it go

if i came in the bathroom and two

chicks are fingering each

other oh whoops

sorry gotta go

probably just

told a manager and the manager called the cops

you know or something like yeah she ratted her out in

america yeah

you shouldn’t rat someone out for

eating box in a toilet who’s getting hurt there yeah

who’s the victim

if you came in and she was giving her a massage

would you call the police

you know what if

she was like oh

right there it hurts oh that’s good that’s good and she

like you were giving her what she needed physically

you giving her a physical sensation with your fingers

how’s that different from eating box in a toilet

stall that’s my point

i believe i bet in europe it can fly

and europe you’re

probably they have like special seats in there

if you want to take

a shit sit here if you want to get your dick sucked

sit up here hey

they have a porn

they have a porn

bookstore in a german airport

you see that oh really yeah they sell porn at

airports holy shit

this i forget i

think it was iceland or something

they have like a lesbian

prime minister

and she outlawed

strip bars whoa

yeah that’s interesting how can you outlaw that

how can mean that seems like that’s like communist shit

you can’t tell because there have been

women look a lot of

women that get into stripping

yes a lot of

them have been molested but there have been

women that they just needed

money and this was a way to make a

ton of money

and it put them they actually put themselves through

school i mean it’s the big cliche

right you know like who had a

mike young had

a joke about how

you ever notice that all

strippers are

going to college

like some year one day

it’s like this

gonna be a whole

graduating class of

genius strippers

it was really funny

pussycat johnson yeah exactly

yeah that’s the joke

i mean but they

should have that option if you want to

stick your asshole in some guy’s face and you

know and make

a thousand bucks a night

he should be allowed to because

is that less humiliating than working at denny’s

for 100 bucks a

night i don’t

think it is

oh by the way i

think if you want to work fucking if you’re a hot

chick and you got a nice body and you want to work five

hours and you want to

stick your but

you’re cool with somebody

like a pussy wow

i always want to be financial consultant to the

strippers because they have so much

money and they do nothing with it

if you’re like let me invest for you silly

silly you’re not a good investor

fuck you talking well i didn’t you

be rich yourself

nonsense he’s talking

trying to control some strippers

money this is called pimpin

son i’ve been

there done that i know what you’re doing yeah

but dude it’s like

they don’t even have cars half

these girls why not

invest in the

stock market

try to make some

money cause the

stock market’s unpredictable they

should save some money

well that’s what they

should do put squirrel some away

the problem is

when all of a

sudden you’re making 1 000

bucks a night and

you’re doing a job that sucks

if you don’t

wanna be there all the time

you start spending

money just to kind of placate yourself

a lot of people that have

their boyfriend

spends it on xbox or some

shit like that that’s true too they support men too

that’s the other the

weirdest relationship with

strippers is a lot of them have like

super loser boyfriends that just cannot get jobs

you know and that’s why

these guys are willing to accept that

their girl will

climb on guys laps

every night and and and

stick their

tits and guys

not into it man most of them are they’re just weak men

and this girl needs a man and needs a man to like

be serious with her and live with her and and still

allow her to work this job

and most guys are not

gonna be down with that but

losers guys who have like shitty

jobs or guys are just really lazy

and they don’t have

a problem with a girl taking care of them

they got no

problem with that so they’re like you know go

ahead go ahead you

don’t think

there’s some guys are just into that like yeah

their whole

cock holding

thing and all that

cock holding yeah

there’s a few

that are into that but most of them are just losers

most of that’s

why you know they beat the girl up eventually

or get mad at her or something

are you you’re not even a fucking man you have a job

you fucking whore

you know there’s always always something

you know it’s

i still want to be

their investor

aim aim high yeah

go for those strippers

thousand dollars a month invest

that shit it’s a good

that’s a good move

i think i like the way

strippers think just make a shit little money and just

spend it on drugs and drinking and shoes you like that

is that what you would do if you were a stripper

probably yeah you wouldn’t be

starting your own business

i wouldn’t be thinking of that

i’m fucking working nice owning a gas station

i wanna have

sleeping in

strippers have to sleep in you know they’re out till

5 a m every night yeah it’s a

lot of work i think the best part of

the economy being bad is hot

chicks working at denny’s

now have you noticed that really yeah i was in phoenix

and i went to his denny’s and

these chicks were hot really yeah

wow i guess you got to take what you got to take i

think it’s awesome

hot chicks and bad situations brother i love that

yeah i do like when you look like

shit when i

oh yeah when they’re driving like shitty

cars you like that

or riding the bus las you

drive by you see like some hot chicken

getting ready for the bus you’re like how easy

could it be

to be the knight in shining armor you

you know what i’m saying i got

wheels you think

so where you

gotta go yeah dude

i love bad situations

hot chicks and bad situations are my favorite shit

there’s more than

happening now than ever before that’s for fuck sure

especially in

la where they

just move there

it’s like yeah what happens when you’re a

chick and you got a

sugar daddy and then your

sugar daddy goes bankrupt

oh that’s good

imagine that shit man then also you

gotta get a job

oh fuck i’ve

been fucking

this fat cocksucker for five years that’s my job

you know she’s like i

gotta join the workforce now

or when they did you know you get

married then they

after a couple

months to get divorced

just to get that cash do you

think that it’s you know how many

girls take that path that you do you described earlier

about that your comedian friend that all

sudden she’s driving a nice car see i don’t

how many girls do that i

think there’s a lot

and i don’t see it as the

i don’t think necessarily

being attracted to a guy

because he has wealth is necessarily a bad thing well

it is a feature

you know it’s like

you have a big

dick the big dick is

gonna be nice to me

you know i like that big dick

cause he does he have

a strong body

strong body can protect me

is he handsome yeah i’ll find him attractive

these are all rewards

what about the money he’s

broke fuck this

broke ass bitch

yeah well that makes

sense that kanye

west song yeah

all right saying she’s a gold digger

look that’s

just the way it is man it’s like

it’s a part of nature you

know someone providing is an

attractive feature

it’s all well

and good if you work hard you’re an honest man

but if you’re

still making five

bucks an hour you

might be retarded and

i need you might

be a retard

i don’t need you raising my kids on 20

bucks a week okay i need to find more

money you fuck

that’s what they’re

supposed to do yeah there’s a game

going on you’re playing the game the game’s called

capitalism and you don’t have any chips

right you got no

chips you’re out there you’re

humping just like everybody else i know you’re being

noble and all that shit but

we got to come to a realization that this

world runs on certain principles i

gotta get that paper

my baby needs resources i

gotta get that paper

yeah babies

need resources man you can’t be running around with

babies with some

broke ass motherfucker that’s a pain in the ass man

one hundred percent

as we make this trek into this new

stage of existence

where fucking

robots are gonna be doing

everything retards are doing now

that’s gonna be very strange it’s

gonna be just like iraq war

when the soldiers come home

and they’re like now what

that’s what’s

gonna happen

all these retards are

gonna get kicked out of you know any

mindless job is all

gonna be eventually done by

robots yeah

what do they do what do they do man

robots don’t have to

sleep they can work 24

hours a day and

once they can handle delicate measures and do things

and once it’s economically feasible

which eventually it must be it’s like

everything becomes

cheaper and faster and easier as time goes on

so eventually there’s

gonna be some sort of

robots that can do

virtually everything that people do

when you charge people

where people get paid

7 an hour any fast food jobs

all that shit’s

gonna be handled by robots

yeah i fucked

some people

can’t be doctors

or lawyers they don’t have that meant they’re not

built like that

they’re more hands on you know they’re meant to be like

working you know

building cars

or whatever you know they’re more like well that’s all

good shit too i mean that’s not that’s not a mindless

thing that’s no i’m not saying it’s

i’m saying but i mean

where are they

gonna work dumb

labor job yeah

yeah i wasn’t

the people that are

someone’s like into making cars and

craftsman stuff or

thing they could find

other things

like people are always get

the robots are

building all

because where the jobs cars are art

you know like a car like a hot

rod or something that someone fabricates

a car let me just

say i wasn’t saying

that they that was a mindless job i’m saying like

these people aren’t

built to because i

mean i know what you’re saying okay eventually

robots are gonna take over

those parts so

where do they go because they can’t become

they’re wheelhouses i

guess you know what i’m saying they

just have to figure out something else you know i mean

if you don’t have if

their job doesn’t

exist anymore the universe is not

sweating that all

right you got to deal with that shit

right and if you’re

smart enough to get to that point

where you’re good at one

thing you’re

gonna have to figure out

how to you know use what

skills you have

to get better at something else

because obviously that part doesn’t

exist in society anymore

you’re just

gonna have to face up to that

adapt or die it’s really that simple

we can’t nerf the

world for people that can’t

catch up nerf the

world there’s

gonna be some spots

where it’s rocky there’s

gonna be some spots

where people had banked on something being

successful forever

and then it’s not

what are we

gonna do we’re

gonna keep it

alive you know just for the sake of

these folks no

these folks have to fucking

they have to

figure out what’s next for them because this

thing is gonna die off and then a new

thing’s gonna come around

right i totally

agree with that the problem is

would you ever wonder or worry

that there’s

gonna get to a

point where there’s

all these people out there with no place

yeah that’s what i’m

saying like we’re you know it’s like we keep talking

about creating jobs

i mean like they’re all fucking and they’re all making

babies look at red box

blockbuster

video there’s no need to have

blockbuster

videos anymore you just

throw up a machine at

every corner now and that just takes out the

whole entire

store and all

those employees

yeah you know it’s crazy

yeah well there’s that yeah

yeah they figured out how to cut the middleman

right the fuck out of the picture

right these

dvds are so

easy to burn you know it’s so easy to make dvds

so when he fucking

steals one you can replace it so it’s not hard

you could do one on your own home computer

how ridiculous is that

where they got

them dvd on your home computer

yeah where do they go that’s my

whole point well

where is society gonna go

because we keep inventing crazier and crazier

things it’s so

funny if you go back and look at like the

pioneer days

when they cross the i was

watching the show the one that i was talking

about earlier the wild within

the hunting show

well i was watching that and he

tried to do what

lewis and clark did

they were like they made like boats out of like

buffalo skin and

sticks and shit it was like craziness like they

tipped over in the

water it was ridiculous

and i was thinking

about it like

them living back there like that was just accepted

you were happy you had a gun

and you would

link back to remember the old days when

folks had to kill

things with spears

you thought they were

idiots right

well how are people

gonna be looking at us

just in a few years just in

20 years yeah when i see a new baby i

think man this kid’s

gonna be around for like a hundred years

imagine what’s gonna be

going on in a hundred years from now dude

just think we were a hundred years ago

what was going on

it’s happening so

quick too it’s like

maybe it’s not even a hundred

maybe it’s like five or ten

whatever the fuck it is like

every year our

knowledge doubles or something like it’s like some

crazy number was just it’s

going so fast

and japan’s even farther

ahead than us there’s an awesome

quote and i can’t remember what the fuck it was

but it was about

gigabytes it was

about how many gigabytes

from i think it was like

everything that

human the entire stored

results of all

human writing and knowledge and

everything that’s ever been written by people up

until like i

think it was like

nineteen ninety

six or something like that was like the date that they

calculated this

was only like

a certain amount

of gigabytes like ever like a very very

small really yeah very

small around

but from then to now

we generate that

every two days

wow yeah holy cow

crazy yeah yeah

it’s insane and

forgive me if

i don’t exactly have the numbers correct it

might have been

2001 it might not have been 1996

this is all pulled off the top of my head

but they were talking

about how insane just the output of text

and information in ones and

zeros and just writing that people do now with blogs

and newspapers and news sites and this and that isn’t

everything you read all day and

photos and twitter and facebook and constantly

you’re constantly

putting out

gigabytes and gigabytes and gigabytes of information

isn’t the internet that

is there any possibility it fills up

or you could just

expand it that just expanded

what is this new internet they keep talking about

well internet

yeah i think

right now it’s just from

for it’s either

just for educational purposes

or just military purposes

internet is just

wait just faster

pretty much that’s all it is it’s not well

we shouldn’t really be talking

about it we don’t really

understand it i don’t even know

what hold out

let intern i’m pretty sure

what internet to is just

using a different form of

it’s faster

faster but will we so we’ll

never fill up internet one

where it’s like there’s no more no more websites

yeah i think it’s not

gonna change i think it’s

gonna be the same internet just different speeds

the foremost us advanced network consortium

that’s what they’re calling is everybody

still mad at me

about the n word i

guess it’s a education

thing it says

led by the research and education community

since 1996 internet to promotes the missions

of its members

by providing both leading edge network capabilities and

unique partnership opportunities together facilitate

development deployment use

or revolutionary internet technologies you just said a

whole lot of nothing there dude

okay you know what you said you said this is some

elite shit that regular people can’t get yeah

that’s what i’m

thinking when the zombie

apocalypse happens it’s coming

these fiber optics will be

underground and we’ll

still be able to communicate with each

other but your aol

account will be dead

yeah that’s why i’m taking samurai

classes really

you haven’t

taken i just

started your

but you you’ve become one of your own jokes now

yeah cause you said

always look out for a dude who has a sword

yeah that dude

shame i i am shady

i like shady shit my friends are shady so where you

where you taking

these samurai classes at

uh it’s in um

century city

it’s an all like

yeah century city it’s the what do you do

well i just

started i’ve only

taken a couple

classes so we learn us

striking and then i’m

about to take my first

sword class

i’m very excited

so you learn

striking weapons jammer

is she weaponry

so you learn

striking like karate

like punching and kicking

yeah yeah so what

what made you

wanna be a samurai

um something to do

just a dream

just a dream

yeah i just

taken acting

classes and they make me miserable

great teachers

but i was just miserable so i’m like why do i want to

do that i want to do something i’ve always wanted to do

wow and take samurai

class so you were taking acting

classes you didn’t like it you decided to take

samurai classes

dude that’s

funny man like

how does your manager feel about this

i don’t know who knows

i don’t care anymore i’m so over i just want to like

have fun you know are you

are you over it

yeah i’m just kind of i just i

enjoy and i love doing what i

doing i’m happy with who i am as and now i just

wanna learn how to fucking

wield a sword

that’s what i want

no you know it’s when you come to a certain

point in your life

where you like

you realize you’re making a good living doing what you

wanna do like you is

stand up comedian

you headline all over the country now i’m

blessed you have

you have checks coming in

yeah and once

you get that freedom you like i can keep doing this man

i can keep doing this you can’t stop me from being

funny and then you go i just

wanna be myself

one day i just said no more bad gigs

i’m not doing gigs i don’t

wanna do i’m just like you know

i stopped the day job

cause i hated being at the day job

i started doing comedy because i wanted that freedom

and that’s kind of like what i’m doing now so i’m just

rocking indian casinos just you know i’m saying live

your life and have some fun why not that is really been

what it’s all

about in the end

what you have

down is your accomplishments this is all nonsense

like how did you affect people

that you came in contact with

how much fun

did you have did you have a good time did you

spread a positive

overwhelmingly positive or overwhelmingly negative

message dispersion of energy

while you’re here yeah i mean like

the dude two hour set was so much fun just to have it

and see what was working there and what didn’t work and

you know i was getting applause breaks on

stuff like if i

like political material that you totally wouldn’t

think like an indy

casino in oklahoma well that’s what i was talking about

with the internet it’s like people have access in

these places in

these rural communities now to

virtually everything that you have

when i was living in

colorado man i didn’t feel

disconnected when i was in a town of

a few hundred people on the top of a mountain yeah it

definitely keeps everybody

closed different man

it’s a different

world we live in

oh yeah you know what else i really

thinks helped comedy too

south park and i

think that’s because

people are used to just fucked up yeah

you know i was doing the show the

other day and it’s like oh they’re really

young and they tend to be more i always thought

they were fun to do

kind of dirty jokes for but more risque

stuff they sometimes cringed

right and i was doing it and they were just

going with them like wow that’s so

crazy and i was talking to them they’re like

these kids all grew up on

south park you know they all

they all just know like

they get this

weird sense of

humor that’s not necessarily

like your way

better than garbage pail kids and shit that you know

we grew up 100

when i used to do colleges back when i was

young when i

lived in new york i did a

bunch of them there was one

point where i did a

whole string

where i would do colleges for months and

months at a time because it was really really good

money way more

money than i

could ever make doing in clubs

but i would go in

front of these kids and they

would talk about sex

and there were so many virgins in the audience

there were so many people that

would look back and forth at each

other and they

didn’t have a fucking clue as to what i was talking

about and i

would say i

would say it like it took me a couple of shows where

until eventually i went how many of you guys have

never had sex before

just kind of

just give me a little clap

under the table

and they started laughing

like it was so what they were

thinking of like it killed oh

yeah just me saying that

how many guys have

never had sex before

they were like ah he knows

like wow you are

like children now they’re doing meth and fucking each

other in bathrooms and

watching porn

these kids have all

grown up watching like ass to

mouth porn oh here’s

the thing so

funny i know like virgins

who have lost

their virginity

later in life

and the girls

were like i couldn’t believe he’s actually good in bed

i like that

would be train right well

these guys have been

watching game

film for like the last ten years it’s like

if you had to

watch ten years

of footage of football

you would know

the play yeah and you just got that one time on days

like he actually knew the play knew where to

throw it when he was open

it’s the same

thing man that’s probably like how a lot of guys

watch the ufc and

think they know how to

choke somebody

i know how to do it bro you

gotta get your hooks in

well it should be easier though in a

weird way to like explain oh this is the

blah blah contract like oh

so i know what that looks like so it’s

probably a little easier than when there was nothing

right well if you were in a

fight with somebody and you had no martial arts

experience whatsoever but you were a huge ufc fan

and all of a

sudden in a scramble you

wound up on top of this guy be like okay i’m in the

mount now what i do

wanna drop i

gotta drop some bombs yes

and you hear your

voice oh no he’s

dropping bombs he’s

definitely hurt

there’s a dude that we were hanging out with in

front of the improv one

night and he

came to one of the shows and he said he got beat up by

these dudes

and while he was getting beat up

one guy was doing me was doing

impression of me

while the other guy was hitting him

and he said he was getting his ass kicked and

while he was getting

his ass kicked he thought it was fucking hilarious

he was laughing

and i’m like i’m

sorry that happened to you dude that sucks

yeah dude that’s crazy

he had a great

sense of humor

about it yeah

made a video

about it didn’t we in

front of improv yeah

he’s on youtube somewhere yeah

dude that is

great personality

did you tell

a dude’s personality but how he takes an ass kicking

yeah some guys

the story yeah

like what what made him get his asking

did he tell you that

because he seems like a nice

guy i think some guys just jumped him

i think some douchebag he

was why wouldn’t he flip the

store he was also

stand up comic to

yes he was a

stand up comic

open mics with him

yeah who is this

just some guy that used i

think he works

for lino or something like that he was doing open mics

briefly and then

he just stopped doing it

or he moved

on somewhere else he decided he wanted to be happy yeah

there’s a lot of guys that just can’t take it anymore

the pressure

the pressure of constantly trying to come up with

new material the pressure of performing the pressure of

trying to advance

yeah i sometimes get i like i love writing and i’m

blessed you know that i can

write a lot but sometimes i just get

i love stand up i just hate the business of

stand up don’t you find that the writing is

just a matter of sitting around and doing it though

a lot of it is just

forcing yourself to do it and i talk to myself all day

that’s how i like to

write do you

write on paper

sometimes but mostly it’s just like me

turning bits in the

thing cause i know i’m

gonna go up so i’m just

thinking of different ideas and

where i could fit this and does

it ever drive you fucking crazy

when you have an idea in your

head and someone just won’t stop talking to you and you

wanna run away

and you’re like hold on a

second hold a

second no no no but this guy was like

don’t talk right now

like you have the

slipperiest of grips

on this brilliant fuckin bit and that’s

the cra you

feel like such an

yeah right it’s

terrible but you feel like an anti social douchebag for

going shut up stop stop stop

but meanwhile

they’re like

stomping over your beautiful

collection like

you’ve got some beautiful

painting that you’re making but it’s invisible

and they’re running in with shit on

their shoes just

stamping all over them oh yeah stop stop

you gotta do that because what happened

i i thought of something

while i was

plugging in

like to an outlet in my bedroom

while i was

plugging something in and

i thought of like this

bit and i was like i

gotta write this down i got

red dead so

i’m running

to the living room my friends like talking to me

my no no no stop stop stop

and they’re like

wouldn’t stop

like be quite i’m like i need to

write some down

and then like i

tried to get like my my whatever my ipad

on and it was trying to type it

and while i was typing it slowly

they kept start talking

again i’m like no

no and i’m like all right

i forget the main part yeah

cause then it just

disappears and

disappears it’s the

worst because

you could be

you have like this

slippery grip on the most

brilliant idea you’re like fuck yes this is awesome

and for whatever reason

you barely have it

the matter your your

your hold on

creativity and like imagination

it so requires like a certain

frequency in your brain

it so requires like a certain

focus and when someone comes in hey

right bang bang

bang clanging

pants together

come on let’s go outside and

drink all of a

sudden it’s gone

it’s like i never

think about

just saying it out loud either like

i never go okay

yeah the moon

is a pie moon is a pie moon is a lot you know

maybe that would it be

it shut up shut up shut up moon is a pie moon is a pie

maybe if you said it

maybe it would work

yeah maybe they

would get some more

i text myself

i do that all the time i do that

dude i do that

all the time well i just use the notepad

feature in the iphone the oh notepad features awesome

i have a i have a droid

get rid of that

piece of shit man

i’m waiting i’m waiting

i know that the iphone’s not

gonna be as good

i know that

it’s funny fight story

funny fight

story on my channel pull

that shit up um

yeah have you ever done a bit

and you were

about to give it up and all of a

sudden it catches

fire for some

reason yeah

i do this bit

about crimes of awesomeness

and i started it when i was in australia

and it just was eating it but i’m like that’s so funny

and i got back to the

states and i remember i’m like i’m just

gonna try it

cause it ate dog’s dick in

fucking australia

and i went there and i did on

state and the

place just goes

and i’m like

i knew that was

funny it was so interesting

so was it the

australians didn’t

think it was funny yeah

i so it’s just

their sense of humor just

maybe it was just word play that they didn’t understand

maybe right

i call it homeless shelter but

you know maybe they didn’t know what

that was and they call it something else over there

right but i

i i didn’t care enough

about to ask anybody at that

point hey what do you guys call oh we call it a

homeless loft or

some shit like

that you know i’m saying so

maybe if i tweeted

in that way hmm

we could just be the sense of

humor too it’s so

funny how people in

other countries just have

completely different i love him

like england

like you ever

watch like english

stand up yeah

and they’re

laughing at shit and you like i don’t

understand what

they’re saying i don’t get this oh i love the british

house of commons that’s good

comedy dude

that what is that

you ever watched that no

the british

house of commons like it’s basically

it’s congress me to your mama’s competition

what is it a show

no it’s their parliament

the real the real part

oh yeah dude it is the best man

watch a guy gets up there and he’ll give a

speech and people

start heckling the shit out of him really

yeah well they were

gonna send george bush

but they’re like no he can’t go in because they were

gonna it’s like trying to do the apollo

you know really yeah like a

white people’s apollo

so awesome dude

dude i love

watching it and like they get

snarky back and they kill hecklers it’s so much fun

where do you

watch this on a c span

whoa yeah not worth it

i don’t know man it

sounds pretty fascinating i love this

dude i love

almost everything british too dude do

you people are

it’s fun it’s a fun

place to party

england’s awesome i always love performing in england

people are cool as fuck you

wanna hear this

video yeah play that

video real quick this is the kid who’s talking

about getting his ass kicked

okay i was living in chicago

and i was walking to work one morning and

these two kids out of nowhere just push me up

against a fence

and they’re like you’re not

going anywhere you’re not

going anywhere i’m like i have to go to fucking work

right the kid fucking hits me

right in the jaw

it was swollen like shit

and the kid goes

he’s rocked he’s rocked

and i watched

fucking this guy doing commentary and i’m like i know

where that came from

and that was my

first thought instead of oh my god i’m in

trouble my first thought is this guy’s

quote and joe rogan

that man that is hilarious i’m fucking like all

swollen up and shit sitting there at the doctor

and my girl

what happened

so you emailed me bagua it made my day honestly

like is the only positive thing from that

story but it made my day that is hilarious

oh that’s what it is he emailed me the

story that i emailed the back to show hilarious story

you’re the you’re in the vernacular

brother that’s ridiculous

rocked is in

every now i try

i’m so conscious of not saying it now because

sometimes it just comes out

you know but

sometimes i say man i shouldn’t say that shit so

often because people there’s like actual

drinking game i say it so much this is a

drinking game

where when when

someone when i say rock dudes do shots

you know that’s right

sometimes they’ll get the fucked up

it’s a big car

you know like a

frankie edgar

fight alone

could give you alcohol poisoning dude

have you ever been told like hey if you say

you’ve been dude

or mountain dude you’d get ten thousand dollars or like

started switching up your

your commentary

terry with some sponsors

oh you mean no you can’t

i’m not i think

they do that

do they do that like oh yeah

like certainly

you snapped and do a slim jim well there’s certain

things that they have

for the show

like you know this this

this clock is

sponsored by call of duty or something like that

yeah but you can’t just fuckin

in the middle of your

commentary he’s been

captain crunched

it’s funny cause i just said fuckin

right there

and i caught myself as i said

ooh i swore

okay i’m not doing

commentary i’m just talking on the podcast like just

thinking about commentary

cause i have a very

clear commentary

state of mind

cause it’s very difficult for me to

talk for five

hours and not swear

you know that’s the hardest part about it

cause when someone gets in i

wanna go oh shit you know

it’s like natural

so i have to

like constantly be zen

and make sure that

i so like just then

really just saying fucking

there was a part of me that went oops

cause it’s like

commentary state of mind right

well it’s tricky

sometimes i get book

place with a like

cause i need the cash they’ll be like you can’t

swear and i don’t know why but when i’m told that

i can do it

but my natural

thing is f bombs and all this

stuff that i

have to say i just like that’s who i am

but for some

reason like when i go and like they say to do

stand up on

television i

was watching

brett ernst last

night hit a really good send lopez

i’ll see the part

where the okay there we

go oh you’re so much louder he had a really good part

he did really well on

lopez last night who

did this brett

ernst yeah and

he dropped they beat them on something i

think he said shit i’m not sure if you

could say that but they beat them on that

tbs is a cable station

right is it fcc

regulated i don’t see that’s the

whole weird i

think it’s not so much

about regulation but it’s more

about not pissing off

sponsors right

right you know so he got a beep on that and

i was like oh i wonder if they’re letting him do that

but when i’m told i can’t

swear for some reason

it’s easy for me

right like you just go into that mode

yeah the clean mode

and you know

there’s a box that you’re operating in we’re just

gonna operate in the

clean mode box

when you’re doing

stand up does this ever happen to you

where you’re talking and you’re

thinking it’s almost like

it’s almost two different

things do you know what i’m

saying we’re like doing a bit but i’m

going okay what am i doing here and

you’re like okay

where’s this

going what’s

going on over here

you know it’s like

right it’s not autopilot but it’s just an interesting

thing where you’re like

literally like like

multitasking

that’s why it’s the most annoying

thing when there’s a whole

table full of people talking really loud

while you’re doing a bit because

while you’re in the groove

instead of just thinking

about here’s the bit i’m doing and this is what i’m

gonna do next

it’s the bit i’m doing is what i’m

gonna do next and what the fuck is

going on over here

and so all this

annoyance and

this bad crowd these bad

people or audience members that are

not following by the audience

member comedian

relationship

they’re just

ignoring it they’re

just being douchebags and when you call that’s the

worst when you call them on it

like what did we do and we didn’t do anything

we didn’t do anything wrong

yeah after you kill them that’s

like when you’re in

a heckler war okay

and we’ll go

back and forth but once i own you and it’s done

it’s time to go it’s like

that’s the only time i really get mad it’s like

you’ve lost

you know it you got served tagline then or

something yes sir

i you know i’m just the

worst to me is when someone

needs to be

kicked out and they don’t get kicked out and then the

people want to keep them there like the clubs trying to

keep them there and you got to go look man this is not

gonna you got a

table for a

drunk people yelling shit that’s your story

yeah a chick

bouncer well

she bounced this another chick

bounced another

chick what did i

no i’ve never

told you this okay

so anyways i’m

and if i told you you can stop me

maybe you did and i don’t remember i was doing

i go to the comedy

store i pull in and i’m next brody stevens is on stage

and he’s got this

crazy drunk

australian girl on there

and i could tell it’s not

going good no one’s

laughing and it’s just

weird energy in a room and i walk in he sees me he goes

sam do you want me to

leave her on

stage i like no get her off the place goes

crazy so automatically

right there i noticed she’s

the crowd doesn’t like this girl right so

anyways brody kicks her off

he brings me on

stage and we have just had this

weird kind of exchange and it’s like

we’re having fun with each

other but we’re kind of zinging each

other you and

brody yeah right

so he’s walking out we’re zinging each other

she just this

drunk girl comes off this

drunk australian girl comes up and just

starts screaming at me get off stage

you’re not funny

and i’m like and i’m just saying

i’m killing her now she’s walked all the way to the

front of the

or she’s in the front row

pointing at me

standing up you’re not

funny get the and then she’s now she’s getting

nasty cause i’m just killing her in the

place is going nuts kill kill kill

fuck it she says fuck you

you’re not funny

and then i’m like okay

where are the

bouncers at this moment okay

right it’s because they they have like

like um like

emos over there

working you know girl

guys who look like they’re in like

death caps or

cutie bands you know what i’m saying

like playing keyboards and shit

and i’m like

where are nothing nothing nothing

she’s screaming at me all of a

sudden out of nowhere this like

five foot six

italian girl walks up

and i think she’s

with her because she walks up to the girl grabs her

look spins around

smacks her on the ass

spins her back around

picks her up

carries her out fireman

style holy shit holy shit

i’m like what is going on

brings her outside

basically gets in her face goes don’t go

back inside bitch

walks back up and i’m like

holy shit and she didn’t know her

i’m like did you know her she goes no she’s fucking

annoying i’m like

did you just regulate holy shit

that’s the craziest

shit i’ve ever seen wish you had that on

video man it is

literally the boy the best heckles

stories ever it is it takes too much time to get the

video there

should be a special button

on your phone

where you have to

press it’s really hard to

press but the

video camera instantly comes on

you know so it’s a one

press button

just a fucked up situation button you can do that i

think i think you

program the

home button to

launch an application can’t you

ken yeah how

could you do that

you are so light years

ahead of me dude i have no clue about

that that’s

ridiculous because if your

phone’s on standby

and you press it

first of all you have to put in your fucking code for

us no no that takes time well i mean if you had a

code you have to

deactivate your code

right so you’d have to

wander around town hoping that you don’t drop your

phone and people don’t get all your cock

pictures what i mean

i’m just saying

i mean i don’t have any cock

pictures on my

phone nothing

about that nope

nope nope nope

but that would be the shit though if there was some

way you could just

press it and it instantly

immediately

starts videotaping shit

you know light on go

yeah i’m totally

go i’m like

where’s my camera

why didn’t i have that moment how long ago was this

i’d say about a year ago so you

could have had that on your phone

yeah motherfucker that

would be funny

i should record all my sets

cause i have in

touch with that crazy

bitch i bet she’s just doing that to girls all the time

any girl does that

smack on the

ass was the best part it was like i own you

smack i own you

i own you smack from a chick

did you get turned on at all

yeah i find that

stuff hot i find

chicks who kick ass

crazy bitches

like that there’s something

about you wanting them to

give in to you and accept your cock yeah

yeah i’m telling you

that’s why i love really smart

chicks it’s just fun to like make them say like really

crazy weird degrading shit

oh yeah smart

chicks are the problem with

smart chicks are though

they’re smart

and you can’t get away with

everything that you can with dumb

chicks and you have to you know they all

get in arguments and shit

all the investigation though

the government wishes they had the

rights that

women had where they

could just go through all your

emails and all that shit

there’s a woman that

was dating this guy and it was another one it was a hot

woman that was dating a guy was an ugly dude and she

she wasn’t she was even open

about it she was telling people

at the supermarket

i heard her telling people

about about

how she had been

planning it

things in the

supermarket

might be disinformation

anyway she’d

planned it like

months in advance

and she was

going through

all of his finances to make sure that he wasn’t hiding

things and oh my

god that’s the thing that

drives you crazy

yeah like every

nickel this guy made down to a science

is trying to

plot out how much he can get

it was terrible

women do that man they’ll also lap

relationships they seem once

going down they already

have one to go on

somebody said i don’t remember who the fuck it was it

might have been

patrice o’neal

but it’s really funny

i don’t remember who it was

might have been me

i don’t even know

but anyway that

chicks when they’re swinging

you know they’ll

still like monkeys

they want to make sure there’s another branch there

to catch it

they don’t know they don’t they don’t

they don’t want to be

walking out in the

plains by themselves they don’t like to have

they don’t like to have downtime

to get to know themselves

the next thing

that way you

gotta take care of yourself and buy your own meals

especially girls who get into that situation

you get into a situation

where you’re dating someone who’s got some cash

you ever been in

a situation

where there’s a girl who

just got done dating a guy with cash and you’re

broke and you’re like what the fuck

yeah that sucks the

worst you feel so like dehumanized

yeah well mike and i used to go on vacations

and i know you can’t afford that so it’s no big deal oh

they’re just

just you just keep

in the bed warm

fucking vacations that’s

mother fuckers mike

what they used to take you on vacation

no no like always wanting to go on vacations non

stop that’s yeah because that’s girls

want to be pampered they want to go let’s go to the spa

and then that

they love visuals of new

places like oh oh look at this

place it’s also

that they want to go on vacation because it represents

opulence it represents they’re being

taken care of you know

here we are we’re on a vacation

yay you took me on vacation it’s all

primal man you took

me on vacation

it’s all that that’s

evolutionary

psychology man it is all primal shit you can’t hate

chicks for wanting that

anymore than they can hate you

for wanting a nice juicy ass

that new juicy ass every once in a

while oh sam tripoli you opened up that box

sorry about that it’s hard to keep it together

isn’t it i’m trying my best it’s so hard i love it

monkey d dna

wants to spread

oh oh oh oh oh

i think that’s it that’s the end of this fucking show

yeah when you

start doing animal

sounds it’s time to end the show

brian’s animal

sound will be the

final straw

thank you to the flashlight

okay dude thank you to the

flashlight for sponsoring us go to joerogane net

click the link

and you get

15 off just type in the word rogan

this weekend

ari shafir and i will be at the west palm

beach improv that is the 28th 29th and the 30th

come on down bitches it’s gonna be a party

very excited about getting back there also next week

next weekend

friday february 4th

at the mandalay bay theater

it’s the big fat fucked up show with me

joey diaz and ari

shafir at the big ass lion king theater

and it’s gonna be fun as shit we’re

fired up about that one

sam tripoli what’s going on with you man

where can people

catch you naughty show tomorrow

night at the melrose improv

are tickets

still available yeah tomorrow night naughty show improv

and you can

check out my youtube page man that’s why i’m pushing

right now to youtube the naughty

show comedy pages that’s it how they find it

just you put in youtube naughty show comedy naughty

show comedy page and if you don’t have tickets

yeah if you don’t have tickets to tomorrow

night you want to go you got to get

them now because the fucker will sell out it sells out

every single time and the fucking show is hilarious

and like i said it’s not just a comedy show

it’s a comedy

show and they have

videos and they have games they play with

the audience and it’s all like fast and it keeps moving

and all the comics are

80d theater but it’s

total 80d theater

it’s fun it’s a fun show the naughty shows are

solid show support man like i said it really

should be like one of

those casinos in

vegas it would be a great show

like if someone picked it up and put it on you

wanna go for the hard rock

you know that’s

where they had beecher’s madhouse too

which is very sort of beecher’s out here now

is he out here now yeah he’s at the roosevelt

well that thing that he had

in the hard rock was really

successful they

would sell that out all the time

he’s a great

but it was more of a nightmare for

comics like

comics would do that it was

considered the

greatest war gig ever yeah

it was like you

would go to battle with a

bunch of psychos just

watching you’d walk into

sound it was a wall of

sound you could feel the

sound on your skin it was so loud

and you would just

throw punchlines

into the darkness

and you just all you didn’t want to get boot and

i remember i had to file

paris hilton one time there

did i ever tell you this

story no we’ll end

on this we’ll end on this

i had to follow

paris hilton they’re like we got surprise

guests and she just has to go up real quick and

i’m like her she’s like yeah it’s

paris hilton

i’m like oh

no and then

dude she’s going up there so you knew what was

gonna happen

she’s they’re

going nuts for her nuts and i’m like

nuts good or bad

great like lover they love her

like you know like

royalty nelson mandela

entering like the world cup

arena you like

so these are all

knuckleheads from idaho that are on vacation

loving her and they

can’t believe they’re seeing royalty

and it just goes and then they’re like okay

thank you now

and barely even says it’s comedian sam tripoli

and i walk out

and dude i start

throwing all of a

sudden boo boo

boo i start hearing a couple now i’m like

bruce lee in the

movie when he

tastes his own

blood and his

crazy eyes happens you know

and i just locked

down dude and i turn the booze because i

the key to that room was getting

the girls on your side once you got them on your side

you could start killing

so start out booing at the end i got a standing o

everybody there was like i’ve

never seen that before

you turned them around

i turned them around i just stayed in the pocket son

you know that’s comedy

store for you dude that’s the thing

about the comedy

store you’re so used to taking care of your own

crowd because there’s no

you get in the improv when someone yells there’s

a big guy who comes over and puts his hands on a guy’s

shoulder and goes bro you

gotta shut the fuck up or leave

it’s really simple

yeah and they stop it and it keeps a nice friendly show

but the problem with that is you don’t develop

those combat comedy skills

you gotta have

those combat comedy

skills and that’s kung fu

as my over a

decade at the comedy

store man you

learn i had

glasses thrown at me in that

place i’ve never had a

glass thrown

anywhere i’ve had

glasses i’ve had

water bottles thrown at me

people they’re

savages you know and more

disenfranchised people go to that club than any

other club in the country

and like you said emo

bouncers the whole

thing it’s a goddamn nightmare

your bounds shouldn’t have

sweater vest that’s all i got

that’s the the outfit the hipster outfit right yeah

sweater vest

i don’t know how

having bad eyesight is hip now too

maybe that’s me just getting old it’s some

weird creepy

thing like you want to look like

your mom’s dad yeah it’s you know when he was young

whatever bitches

that’s it that’s it for the show this week

um next week

bobby lee is

gonna be on tuesday so

fired up about that and we’re

probably gonna

get a yeah everyone

tweet him so he won’t back down

like non stop

i can’t wait for

a bit flaky

but who isn’t

comics are i mean that’s one of the

things about sam tripley that’s unusual you’re very

funny yet you’re very disciplined

you get on you’re always on time for shit and

some you know

comics you never

sleeps the funny ones are crazy

joe diaz is

crazy you know

bobby lee is

crazy normal

people are entertaining yeah this is

something that we were not perfect we’re fucked up

humans but so next week

bobby lee and hopefully we’re

gonna get joe diaz and ari shafir

in studio because we got a

studio now bitches

that’s what i’m calling it i love it it seems like a

studio it’s nice to be

headquarters

yeah because we’re doing that show

which is next friday

night at mandalay bay

okay we love you bitches

and we’ll see you next week

thanks for tuning in as always

much appreciated much love much good

things positive energy your way

you do not have to be the you that you

were all your life you know how to do it rock it out

do it do it

right bitches do it