the joe rogan experience

double rainbow

yes and a kind of hello

if you fly no i go

what’s up bitches

my friend jason tebow’s all up in this

bitch what’s up everybody

said what’s up bitches

i’ll take your bitch i’ll

be redundant with my bitches

ladies and gentlemen i retired the word faggot

from my vernacular

sorry to hear that i gave it up

i gave it up in

light of this most recent controversy

where i call this guy faggot not meaning anything

derogatory towards

homosexuals but

you know there’s this

the thought behind saying something like that as well

what’s important is not the words on a

magic word it’s your intent

and that should be important but when

there’s a word that confuses a lot of

people and pisses people off and that’s not your intent

then really racially and

logically you have

to kind of accept that you have an ineffective word

that word’s not that good that word

means too many different

things it means

to some people it means you hate gay people

and that is the

furthest possible

thing from the

truth i have

absolutely zero problem

with gay people i have no problem with it i don’t

think there’s anything

wrong with it

i’ve met a ton of cool gay people

and i grew up

in san francisco when i was a little kid from

ages 7 to 11

i was constantly

around gay people my next door neighbors were

these gay guys that my aunt used to go over and

smoke weed with this

big gay fucking

scary muscular

black guy with a shaved head

and his weird

white friend and

these dudes

would blaze out with my aunt they

would all get high and naked

what years with you

this is shit it was a long time ago

cause i’m old as fuck

um i guess i was

seven between age

seven to eleven we

lived there so that was like

somewhere in the nineteen

seventies right

right right

it was like

right when the vietnam war was ending it was like

super hippie time in san francisco and that’s where we

lived and we were just constantly around gay people

and i remember when i was a kid i was like

i guess i was like

11 12 when we

moved from san francisco to florida

and it was a totally different ball game

you could not get

culturally more of a 180

from san francisco

which is like the most open minded

place on earth

especially in the 1970s

too yeah to living in gainesville

florida with alligators and shit and rednecks

right and there’s this cuban

dude i i hung out with this kid his name was

candy and he was a boy and his name was

candy his name was candy yeah

candido yeah

candy sweet

candy i think

candy oliver

i think that was his last name

and his dad was like

super homophobic

and his dad was reading the

paper and he’s

going can you fucking believe this shit

like throws a

paper down a

table i’ll never forget this

i was like wow what is

going on like i had just been

aware of war

and that war

ended i was like real cognizant

that there was some fucked up shit

going on in the world

like you know i had you when you were like seven or

eight and someone

tries to sit down

and explain to you war

that there’s some people like why are

these people protesting i remember asking

my stepfather

and he had to

break this whole

thing down to me that

there’s a conflict

going on and

these people don’t

wanna have to go over there and kill people

and i was like whoa what

like we go over

they take you and they make you go somewhere

and kill people

and you don’t even have to agree

war is unfathomable that’s

the children not just unfathomable but the idea of the

draft and being forced into doing that

slavery it’s nothing but

slavery for a military

industrial complex i mean that’s really what it is

so i was freaked out about

everything back then i was just

starting to

i was very unstable

for a young kid

when you’re a kid you don’t even like to be told to

clean your room that’s

the that’s but let

alone being told so

anyway so this guy

freaks out i can’t fucking believe this shit he

throws the thing down i’m like fuck we’re

going to war

again we’re

going to war this is what i’m thinking

and he goes

these fucking fags want to get married

and i remember going what

no way i’m like i’ve

clearly i’ve heard that

there’s been

i didn’t even

think that i thought it was

clearly a mistake

there’s no way because i didn’t know any

adults like this when i

lived in san francisco like i said my neighbors were

these weird gay guys and my dad’s friends were all

architects and computer programmers they were all

really pretty

smart people so i’d never

heard anybody that gave a fuck

about some people

people getting

married that they don’t even know

but this guy was like really serious

about it and it was

a really important

moment for me as like an eleven year old

cause i realized there’s the

levels of adults

right there’s some people that are just

adults but they

think like children they

are completely

ignorant totally and even though they’re

adults even though they have kids of

their own they’re

still idiots

i remember that being a big important moment

and that moment was because this guy was

homophobic and i thought that was the most

ridiculous thing ever

so by me conveying

any homophobic

you know any

any not intent but

people receiving that and getting that message that i’m

homophobic cause i call somebody a faggot

it doesn’t mean that with straight guys but it

doesn’t matter if it

doesn’t mean that the reality

is if it’s making that many people pissed off and upset

and it’s making them

think that you care

about their

sexual preference

i at a point

in time i was like why am i attached this fucking word

like am i just stubborn

like what i mean it’s fun to say it

is fun to say but why is it fun to say it’s fun to say

cause you’re not really supposed to say it

same reason fig newtons

are nice to say it just

sounds good

right faggot yeah but

i just decided

from all this that it was an ineffective word

and then i didn’t want to be hurting anybody’s

feelings for no reason at all i’m hurting absolutely

wrong people’s feelings like i don’t care at all

about the fact that they’re gay and if that hurts

their feelings if it’s just this one word

it’s enough who gives a shit

but isn’t it something just more

about somebody

just being way too sensitive yes it is like it is

like sensitive straight

people and sensitive gay people i

know a lot of gay

people you say the faggot in

front of them

they don’t give a shit oh yeah

absolutely and i for sure and true but

it’s not like they’re saying don’t

swear at all

you know what i’m saying

it’s not like they’re saying

you don’t call people cunts or douchebags or what any

other word that means exactly the same

thing you know you call some guy a faggot like

these guys being a faggot

what do you mean he’s being a douchebag

it’s really the

exact same intent yeah but if somebody’s a

negative thing

going on somebody

says lard ass in

front of me or fat so i won’t get a but that’s

descriptive

that’s descriptive yeah

so is faggots but it’s not it’s not it’s confused

it has an ambivalent

sort of meaning now

there’s a lot of people it

could mean pussy it

could mean you know

it’s too confusing

and you know

louis ck has a

great bit about it

where he kind of defends his use of it and

every comic friend i know says it and ari

and joey when they

got me my birthday cake for my 40th birthday it says

happy birthday faggot

that’s on my birthday

cake cause we call each

other faggots all the time it’s like

you know like someone

brian might call me and go

hello faggot

just out of nowhere that’s actually

the better one

that i usually they say

it’s just like

when we talk

it’s like fun you know it’s like we’re children

everyone in our

group one of the

things that

binds us all together is we’re all very juvenile

you know joey is the oldest one and he

might be the youngest one you know i call my

flashlight a faggot

all the time

for obvious

reasons faggot

flashlight from

flashlight com

if my dog was doing something

stupid like

sniffing some fucking coyote shit i

might get out of there faggot

right yeah say that to him

i don’t mean my dog’s gay for coyote dick

right you’re

gonna have a lot of dog so

dog but it’s too good for

confusing a word

you know i just decided it’s not

worth it is it been a big deal like

i mean have you been getting a lot of

bad stuff from just

well most people support me on it it’s a strange

thing to because

some people support me

and they’ll support you like fuck all

those fucking fags they can’t fucking deal with it

you know keep that shit out of our face

yeah that’s the

wrong kind of

support you

know yeah you’re not helping me on my side dude

you’re not helping the

cause faggot

why do you care if they want to

go suck cocks we want to suck cock from guys who like

their cock sock

go get some who gives a shit

could you imagine

if that was you if all of a sudden all

these gay people were telling you you had to be gay

but you know

or just complaining

about the type of

chicks that i was

sleeping with

so it’s a problem and the whole the

homophobia is a real problem it’s

no it’s the same

exact thing as any douchiness

it’s just racism or

sexism or guys who want to roofie

chicks and fucking

you know and rape them

while they’re sleeping

oh yeah it’s all the same

thing it’s groups that hate

other groups

and it’s just fucking and it’s such a new it’s like

even though it’s old like homosexuality

super old and like

you know very similar to you like i grew up in a very

liberal environment

my mother’s

lesbian i was raised by

lesbians growing up she’s

saying what’s that like let’s talk

let’s let’s do

about that so but it’s like mom’s a faggot

i know i know

don’t listen mom

but you know very similar to you like

you know i grew up in like the chicago area but in like

you know early

eighties like

lesbians in the midwest were

slightly less rare than

leprechauns as far as you know you you

would know it

it’s it wasn’t

as out as it is now it wasn’t socially acceptable you

pretty much had to keep it

under tight wraps

or live in san francisco or chicago or really open area

you left that area in chicago

was pretty man

goes tricky no

it’s you know

the line in the sands pretty

clear but you

could be more out then i mean the gay

pride parade in chicago’s like the

second biggest one to san francisco i

think of what i

think of liberal cities i just

think of new york and now and

san francisco

i mean i guess la yeah

right la is pretty open but i mean

as far as the

whole midwest goes that’s it you know it’s not

saint louis anything else i mean chicago’s like

if you’re gonna be

stuck in the

midwest that’s your only hope of any sort of like

liberal upbringing or

you know not being bombarded but

so then when i went to college i went to

school in the midwest

like southern indiana central indiana and i actually

would meet people i met a guy who was like

i never saw a real live

black person till i

wrestled one in high

school ha ha

dude that’s a direct

quote from this guy lonnie

belvo and i was just shit dude and i was just like get

that you net

first of all a real live

black person

like there’s some sort of like animals that are

like you know some

it’s like bigfoot or something to him but can

you imagine how intimidating that must have been like

there’s a real

black guy now he’s

gonna try to

you know take my back and shit you know i mean

like the first his

first meeting with a

black guy any

black person in his life was on a

wrestling match and he’s probably used to

those slow ass

white athletes

oh yeah he probably

dude on right he

yeah exactly

john jones motherfucker

exactly can move

right doesn’t mean make

sense how that

that guy moves it’s like why is he moving 10

better than everybody else he had neck bridge

and what’s going up with that how come he can

throw bodies around like

their little dolls

what’s going on with his body you remember

can we get him into a lab

we gotta duplicate this shit we

gotta get a petri dish and

scrape some cells off of this dude it’s like

after the match he’s

probably just like it was very nice meeting your kind

you know what

i mean it’s like do you guys remember your

first black person

my what do you guys remember your first

black person that you had sex with you

no i mean just

that’s totally what i thought he

meant no i knew

a lot of i don’t yeah i grew up you know like i grew up

my you know high

school graduating

class is like half

black half white like but it was no big deal

to me whatsoever but like growing as a kid like i

never really even

understood racism

that’s another

thing that i didn’t

understand until i

moved to florida and my mom

my mom and i actually got in an argument

about it cause my mom was

she was a good

person but when she raised me she was very young

you know she was

twenty when

she had me me too so she didn’t know shit she was a

dingbat a kid she was just a kid she

was a kid a kid

yeah so like she assumed i knew everything

right like i

didn’t know how people had as you did for her i did

not know how that people had sex and i did know how big

babies were born

until i was seven

she never told me shit

and then she goes you know

and i go i don’t know

i go i don’t know tell me tell me what it is you

literally have

to make fun of it

i go i’m just

gonna make fun of it tell me how people make

i had no fucking idea

and my mom i was in the car i remember this very

clearly 1970

barracuda i’m sitting in the back seat with my sister

and i go just tell me so she tells me

she goes the man

sticks his penis in the

woman’s vagina

i start fucking laughing

and she reaches back and hits me in the head for

laughing just like i knew it

i knew you were

i knew you’re just trying to make fun of it

i go i didn’t know i didn’t know what it meant it’s a

legitimate question that was

one time that happened and the

other time it happened

was we were in florida

cause some kid kept talking

about niggers

there was some kid in my

school that just kept talking

about niggers

like man we got problems here

these niggers are

moving in and

i was like what the fuck is this guy talking

about and i just

moved there so i didn’t

wanna ask questions you know i was

a shy eleven year old from san francisco all the

sudden i’m around alligators and shit

right you know and so i asked

my mom i said what is a nigger

and she’s like will you stop doing that

don’t make me talk

about things i don’t want to talk about

and i go i’m telling you i don’t know what it is

and she goes

it’s a bad word for

black people

and i was like whoa

right hold on like this dude is

claiming there’s some war

going on between

white people and

black people in his mind there

are is that really

going down out here like i was so

shocked that the environment

was so radically different

you know san francisco to florida was fucking

crazy had to be god damn

especially like

early eighties late

seventies oh

my god everybody

was so dumb

everybody was so dumb they were giving out

bibles in school

and i remember

strike one one kid

who would like be like all

super over enthusiastic

whenever anybody brought up religion because

he wanted to let everybody know that he loves the lord

and so we’re like i

guess like 11

and so they give

they give it a stack of

bibles and i take this

bible i’m like what am i doing with this shit

i already had been through catholic

school i went

to catholic

school for first grade

and i had this

horrible just

nasty evil nun

who just ruined my

whole idea of

what religion was all about

so they were handing

these books i was like this is just ridiculous

killer shit like what the fuck are you doing here

right and this is one dude he goes

i likes reading the

bible oh i’m so

happy i can’t

even wait to get home yeah i likes reading the bible

and i remember

thinking what if me and this dude were

the only two people on the planet this is my thought

at eleven years old looking at this kid screaming

holding it up in the air he was holding the bible

above his head

while i was yelling this

i was thinking what if it was just me and this dummy

and then we were the only people on

earth what i wanna live

well would i

wanna live if there’s the only guy i get to talk to

that’s what i thought of at eleven wow

probably not i likes reading the bible

never forget that dude’s voice

i just want

to pull him aside and go dude just come on man the kids

think about this the kids in

my neighborhood they used to call this

thing where they would

knock on the door and run they

would used to call it nigger knocking

and i didn’t know that

that was nigger

so one of my

times i was like in

front of the

class doing something i brought

up yeah so me and my friends like to go nigger knocking

under your interests of

things you like to do

oh no you did not

and i remember that i

still didn’t

realize that that was a bad word for some time

until one day i

kept on using that word

and oh my god my

mom was like

listen here this is a bad word

but then my

grandmother

would be like

oh i can’t believe they

still have colored cashiers at this

this you know all that she

would say the word

colored all the time i’m like

what’s that about

oh my goodness

i remember one time a

buddy of mine

a roommate of mine in college we were with his

grandmother really old

super super

racist from the

south woman

and they’re

watching tv i don’t remember what the fuck we’re

watching but

she goes hey look at the tv look at all

those people with that nigger

like it wasn’t even

a person it was like a totally different like a toy

and both of us were like whoa

dude your grandma

hate is like rich

super that’s like this racism

and then there’s like

super racism

yeah yeah that’s like hanging

racism totally like

without even thinking

about it you

see those creepy

creepy fucking

black and white

photos from the

south oh yeah they’re

terrible observing yeah yeah

black people are hanging the

white people just

turn around

looking at them

just stand around looking at him nobody

wasn’t that long ago joe

not that long

that was not those

same people are the same people that like

posed with dead deers now and like

like chopped off legs of deers and

that’s like the same kind of

photos is like i’m just went dead it’s only two

generations ago that’s only

it that’s only

watered down two

generations i

mean that’s scary

that’s you know forties fifties that shit was

going down sixties

shit still going down all over the

world you know there’s people that are

chopping people up for no reason all over the world

scary shit man how

about an africa

where they’re

going after albinos

for witchcraft

they’re using albino

witchcraft still a

blood and oh huge it’s a big

business in africa right

dude it’s terrifying there’s all

these documentaries

on witchcraft in africa and all

these guys who are

did they do exorcisms

people hack up

their own kids

because they get convinced that

their kid is

before we go any further our show is sponsored by the

flashlight just like to

bring that out

flashlight com if you go to joerogane

net and enter in the code

rogan from the link

you get fifteen percent off your

flashlight i

wanna get into the

flashlight a little bit once

again i’m so

happy that we have a

flashlight as a

sponsor now because i got a new bed it’s a fucking

monster it’s killing them

it’s hilarious killing them son

it’s all about the

flashlight we

gotta get into the i have many

flashlight questions coming up and soon but that was

that was a segway killer

there was a segway killer

where where do i

leave off you were talking

about the business

of witchcraft

oh yeah huge

business in africa it’s terrible

really terrible

these guys they’re just nothing but con man

they take these people and they convince

these people that

their kid has

a demon inside of them he’s a

demon inside him

i got to get it out and they they make the kid eat

awful shit and they take

you know they do all these

crazy rituals but

basically all they’re doing is just taking money from

these parents and they tell me you you have to give me

five thousand dollar

if i don’t have it he’s

going to hell

i mean they have just

these people just lose

their fucking

minds so it’s like you know

evangelism or

something yeah and you have guns

these guys have guns

by the way these exorcism guys they’re like

armed with ak 47s and shit they had a

thing that was like the top 10 most dangerous

countries to go to

africa by far

eight of them

were african

yeah eight of the

top 10 and then the

other two were like you know middle east

or right there

yeah i mean we’re all worried

about what’s

going on afghanistan

shit if those fucking some of

those people that are

those somali pirates

if they figured out how to get

planes and start flying to other

places or just nuclear

well they get

their hands on a nuclear bomb

one nuclear bomb the somali

pirates that situation is

crazy they attacked a us

warship this week

did you hear

about that yeah i did how

looked are they

they went after a goddamn us warship

and they were in a raft

dude that’s like they shot like rockets

the fucking you

they jacked everybody they arrested them and took

all their shit and

went after the

mothership and

sunk dad like

bitch they had a flex on people they sunk all

right right

and chase down there’s some other guys

apparently they couldn’t find them they took off

that goes to show you how goddamn big the

ocean is if the us

coast guard

or the us navy rather can’t find you

they got warships and they

can’t find you goddamn how big is this fucking ocean

but yeah these

crazy assholes

they fired on

these fucking people in a warship

dude that’s i mean that’s it happens a lot though

not just you

people you got to be

worried about

people that are desperate

so desperate they don’t care if they

die they don’t care you know how that all get started

they call themselves the people’s

coast guard of somalia

or the volunteer

coast guard of somalia

and what happened was the european

companies were dumping a lot of

toxic shit in the ocean

off the coast

near where they lived

and they were

just overfishing the fuck out of it

so they’re taking all these fish

dumping all the shit in the

water and then dumping all the shit in the

water now it kills all the fish

the water becomes

polluted they can’t make a living

and so they first

started kidnapping

these boats that were dumping shit

and what they were doing was taking these guys

and they were

bringing them and holding them for ransom because

they’re losing

money they can’t fish anymore

but then once

they got used to doing that and getting ransom money

they said let’s just

start jacking people

so then they

turned into

the somali pirates

where it’s like

a big business and they’re making millions of dollars

and they get

millions of dollars

every year and no

one knows exactly what to do with it and it’s not like

right near them they go

hundreds and hundreds of

miles out into the ocean

yeah that’s an impossible

thing to police

dude and they are loxters

they’re ready to die

yeah i mean that’s fuck

they like the gangsters of the sea

literally dude

everybody around them has been dying

it’s amazing they made it this long

the pressure of making this long wondering when you’re

gonna die is probably staggering

cause everything they’re around

is like people getting shot in the head and people

dying and them

shooting people and

12 year olds with fucking machine guns

gunning down people just for a

laugh i mean that’s africa all day

all day all day so

these crazy

motherfuckers

are out in rafts trying to take down a us warship

that’s ballsy that’s

like the barking chihuahua and like a dog park like

trying to take up a

right but i

mean look think

about this man

and nothing like that is

going down in afghanistan

no i mean we need to fucking concentrate on the really

crazy places

mexico and africa and korea

korea too yeah

we got a warship that’s heading to korea

right now yeah we just need to

clear that whole country down

south korea is awesome

don’t say that

yeah how dare you

koreans are up in arms right now

literally i grew up

literally in

constantly around

koreans yeah me too doing taekwondo i used to have to

teach class in korean

i didn’t really know

how to say it i just knew how to say some of the moves

and how to count i

could count to like ten in korean right

i don’t know how to do it anymore it’s like

hannah door

set net does

yours you’ll go you do i don’t remember how to do it

right though

i might be saying it all wrong

yeah you earned like

martial arts a long time

like korean someone

else taekwondo

taekwondo and then what you

i just wanted to go to korea

i always wanted to go in and compete there you just

enamored with martial

arts like when you were a kid that’s yeah well i

became obsessed with taekwondo when i was in high

school right

cause it was the

first thing i ever was i ever got good at

it was like for me it’s like my

whole life we

moved around a lot i didn’t have friends

that i didn’t have friends for any long period of time

cause we just kept moving so by the time i was in high

school i had no one

who was a friend

i just constantly had

moved so i was

super insecure

and i needed something to make me feel

worthwhile so i

started doing taekwondo and i got obsessed with it

plus i was small

too and i didn’t like the idea of people

picking on me and fucking with me

so i wanted to be able to beat the shit out of people

right the only way to do that is you

gotta learn some karate

you know it’s like in the

movies man right

right right

get some chuck norris love in my life and

kind of fucking figure out how to

fight this is bullshit i’m

tired of being scared

right it’s funny that like once you

start doing that that’s like

generally the last

thing you want to do is

right yeah the

nicest people

i know are fighters or

people who train

cause they don’t have to worry

first of all

they’re not insecure

about men are always

sizing each

other up and wondering what

would happen if we fought man i mean that guy just

fucking kick his ass

right i realize

they’re saying that they don’t even know what they

would do do you have a plan what are you

gonna do you gonna

hit him he’s

gonna run away you’re

gonna knock him out with the

first punch

like what if he fucking

dodges your

punch and comes back with a

counter and then

shoots for a double are you

ready for that

you have your spa

your spa ready

are you really

ready to fight

do you really even know what that means right no

most guys no

so they’re all

chest puffy

and talking all this shit it’s very

peacock feathers shit hoping to

talk people down

but people who

train and actually

fight they don’t have

to do that they don’t want to do that it’s a different

mentality the

human animal

is designed for conflict that is just a fact

we have hardware

from thousands of thousands of years ago

where you had to

fight off intruders and you had to kill your own

food and that’s a fact and the hardware that we have

today despite the fact that our life

is not like that anymore and

we have this complicated society that provides us with

supermarkets and traffic and

all this other

thing these

other things we

have to deal with the bottom line is that our body is

still the same fucking body

that has the same reward

system set up so it has all these

ghost needs

needs to crush

things needs

to kill that’s like a satisfaction needs to breathe

these are rewards that you get

from killing animals when you kill an animal and eat it

this primal reward

that’s designed to keep you

alive it’s very

similar to the same reward that you get when you fuck

and you have kids it feels good to fuck

because that’s a reward

system set up to make sure you fuck

right you know i mean it’s all

survival of the species yeah

we have this old ass hardware man

there’s no app for that

exactly and you

a lot of people have tension because they don’t train

because they don’t do martial arts because they don’t

go and hit a

punching bag

and it doesn’t mean you

wanna hurt people

doesn’t mean you

wanna be it’s just

a release of that’s the same reason like a

lot of like

pedophilia is

and rapist they all have that like pent up

sexual energy

they have like old shit they don’t actually can’t

even you shouldn’t even think

about martial

arts in terms of hurting people when you’re doing it in

training you’re just playing a game

and the game it does hurt

you know but it’s a game the

game is you’re trying to hit that person they’re trying

to hit you you try to get out of the way encounter

give out more

give out more punishment than you take

figure out a strategy that can

get past them figure out what they’re doing and getting

i mean that’s what it is it’s a game of

using the human body

in physical contact

but it’s a satisfying game and

it does wonders for your psyche

it does wonders for your

confidence yeah it does wonders for your relaxation

whenever i get upset

about something

i’ll freak out

about things

i go man i probably

should have worked out before with that

like this whole

thing the other day

i called this guy a faggot

i guarantee you if

it just worked

out i went to the gym before that happened

i’d have been like who gives a fuck

about this dude but

because i wasn’t

i got all fucking amped up i just wanted to

crush something

right right sure it’s just

that you’re not

tired from working

out there that’s a little bit of a too

that’s what they

used to say in taekwondo the taekwondo guys are always

my instruct used to say it was korean accent

it was the nicest guys

cause they always

tired from kicking each other

haha alright he thought that was funny haha

that’s good korean

laugh you always

sore too man you always sore like my shins with

these big giant knots on them and fucking big welt and

they pop and bleed and you know you’re always

clashing shins and shit like

think about that all day

smashing shins into each other

checking kicks kicking people’s

elbows and shit and breaking your feet

i broke my feet

at least twice on my left foot

so annoying man you

break your foot you can’t do shit for a long time too

right and you don’t even get it

fixed they don’t even do anything

they just go yeah you got a

broken foot

okay lock it something cracked

and it just i mean

unless it’s

like some compound serious fractions that are

required to

require massive surgery

so just go yeah heal up dude you got a

crack on that yeah

see you in two months

he does a new character now called

sticky fingers gonzalez

oh yeah sticky fingers

you love that

expression sticky

fingers yeah

that was the

contacts before i show

yeah talking about that

and it’s so

funny because

the whole point of it

is that somebody

would go on stage like

whitney cummings

there’s a video with whitney cummings doing her act

and then next he comes up

dressed up as

sticky fingers

and just does her

whole act where

he does yeah

dude at the naughty show like i go up

after every

comic and i do bastardize

their jokes oh that’s

great and i was like i

wrote this a couple days ago

do the mexican yeah

yeah got a poncho

sombrero sunglasses

how dare you fake mustache dare you

funny that’s very funny yeah

yeah it’s very

funny it’s very

you know it’s

funny we used to do a

thing back in boston

shit i forget what his name was

kevin riley i

think was the host

kevin something kevin

shit kevin flynn

kevin flynn was the host boston comedian and he

stood this thing called

joe biden night

because back in nineteen eighty

eight a lot of people don’t realize this because joe

biden is our current

vice president

but joe biden ran for president

and when he ran for president they

found out that he had plagiarized like a

ton of his fucking speeches

from kennedy

from jfk oh yeah

he was repeating

shit nobody knows any of his

speeches i’ll take people

people like god damn where i

heard this before

this guy’s got

a good writer but fuck you know this is ringing a bell

and so somebody went back and checked it

checked the transcript they had to

check transcripts back

right imagine now you know

you can’t get away with shit now

shit now people

still try that guy that palin

was supporting and plagiarized jfk too oh yeah

so anyway so we used to do joe

biden night at the stitches in boston

where everybody

would get up and do somebody else’s act

it’s funny that

guy’s vice president now

and he was such a big joke in 1988 that we had a

night at a comedy club

dedicated to him

right there was

a while back

my buddy brian jarvis of your

friend comedian we were talking

about doing a

stand up karaoke night

where it’s like

you can pull like

other comics like names

out of a hat or something and you have to try to plow

through their fucking

famous bits or whatever the fuck who

would you do

if you had to do anybody

sheesh boy that’s a good one i know mine

is so easy who’s yours joe diaz

oh did you have the best

dad the best diaz

i would joke

i dude i was in ann arbor michigan last week

and people were calling out for joe diaz

impressions

oh dude it’s a home run

impression get when

i was listening

to the podcast before and you were talk telling joe

diaz stories and you’re talking

about how like

you were in jersey

after vegas

and then the

phone rang and you didn’t know

where the fuck he was

i’m not gonna lie to you

i’m still in

vegas cocksucker

i never left

vegas you know what’s

gonna happen pretty much you’re gonna

start being

doing like 20 minutes of your act as joey diaz

and then joey

diaz is not

gonna have to do anything

leave the house anymore we may just go on

stage we’ll

wheel him out in one of

those little scooters

and he can wave to the

crowd and i’ll talk

so when he has his

first stroke

i’ll just do this looks

great i couldn’t he and i

where this gig

to hundred pounds he’s

gonna looks incredible

man he’s gonna

lease out his name though like gallagher to

we’re gonna do a fucking cartoon cocksucker

that’s what we’re

gonna do cartoon we do a cartoon i

would just do his

voice for the

whole cartoon

you he wouldn’t do anything but collect chat you

wouldn’t have to do the voice over

do beatings it would be

maybe do chores

you know this is joey coco

diaz’s tour

this is where i live just

where i feed my cats

radio promos

so we went down the

street like this fucking guy

right here is got the best weed

they just have

ideas for the cartoon and shit he needs ringtones how

about we get the cat

stone we should have

everything dude

he just has to have ringtones it’s just like

almost all of our friends answer your

phone cocksucker

almost all of

our friends have joe diaz as the outgoing message

like when you call

eddie eddie

bravo has the fucking best outgoing voicemail

message ever yeah our

it’s all joey

going fucking

crazy right joey

going crazy

my client eddie bravo is busy

he ain’t got time for your bullshit

and your questions and

oh i keep getting grounded about

buy the fucking book

learn the rubber god

practice it

shove the book up your ass

but no more

stupid fucking questions

my favorite only text messages my favorite

thing he does is when he does his girl

voice or his gay

voice where he

suddenly to

change i keep

getting grounded

and pounded

dude it’s fucking buy the book

shut the book up your ass

dude he’s going insane i’ve

heard the message i’ve called

eddie eddie’s had that message for like five years

i’ve called it over and over and over again i

still laugh

every goddamn time i hear it yeah

that’s when you know you got a kid

when people don’t

even want you to change it yeah oh please and meanwhile

eddie’s like a professional

jiu jitsu instructor

and he has people calling him up

about business

and this is the message

that he has

outgoing and that’s how much he likes it

he likes it so much he’s like yeah i’m

gonna keep it

i know it’s

right there on the tile

by the book

shove it up your ass

and he was going

crazy red faced spit flying you could hear it all

dude he’s the bad diaz is one of

those comics that it’s

like no matter who you are it’s like following diaz

you’re just like well

let me just roll up my

sleeves cause i

bring them everywhere i

bring them everywhere it’s the most fun

it’s the most fun because when i go on

stage the audience is already howling by the way

joe diaz and i are

gonna be doing a new year show at

mandalay bay

and we just picked this up it’s a big fucking

place it’s like 1700 seats

and so you’re

gonna hear me talking

about it some more if it gets

annoying it’s just

cause i have to sell 1700 tickets

but it is the weekend of the

ufc um so the

night before

it’s new years and then there’s a

ufc the next day

so you’re gonna get hungover

watching dudes get fucking

pounded on new year’s day this is a

ufc yeah new year’s day on january

first that’s that’s

the saturday and new year’s eve is a friday night

so to be me and joe diaz

at some new theater

thing that they got

going on at

mandalay bank bad

yeah it’s gonna be

it’s gonna be fun as fuck

trying to think of

other shit we

could do i was

gonna bring a dj i was

gonna bring a dj on

stage because i

heard that russell

peters does that it’s kind of fun

i was like maybe that

would be fun at the end of the

night have like a fucking cool dj but

they don’t want to do anything like that you have to

clear the place out

so i’m trying to

think of what else

you know it’s a new year show we got to

think of something that makes it more interesting

instead of just a show you know

videos right

maybe yeah how

about how about i come on

stage and fuck a flashlight

or or or how

about doing a

live just fucking through his head to

the ring hey

or do a live just

put it out there

do a live party oh that’s a good idea um yeah

maybe but the problem is uh

vegas is so fucking

short attention span

it’s not really the

place to do a podcast

on a because if

we’re all on

stage just shoot

the shit about

things there’s

gonna be people yelling it’s

gonna be weird i mean we maybe

could do that let’s

get mc chris mc chris but see what i’m saying is if we

maybe did that then it

would be hard to get up and do

stand up right

it would be hard

just go up and go and just

start doing your act

afterwards it

would be weird

because you’d like okay don’t change it pay it yeah

fucking yeah it’d be like all of a

sudden i’m in fucking performance mode

i know is this hey you ever notice

what about mc chris

what about him i wonder if he would he’s

your type of

music he’s a fun

party i’m sure

i’m sure he is

if i wanted that like if i wanted

music though

i want some

rock and roll

i want some

crazy band i

would like those

those fucking

those seventies guys

steel panther

i’d love them to do it but they’ve i’m sure they’ve got

their own gig

i’m sure they do

those guys they

killed it those are

they’ve been

killing for a long time that’s a fun i

think they have a

television show in development now do they yeah i

think i heard that isn’t it

crazy that that just came back like with the thunder

right it used to

be like being you know like someone who was into that

music was embarrassing

right now it’s like dude

everything does that though

everything does that

it didn’t i don’t know if it used to

happen that way

i think this is a fairly new phenomenon

that’s why i’m

gonna wait till the word faggot

comes back in i’m just

gonna hold on to it

it’s not coming back

the world’s getting softer as people get

as life gets easier and easier

people come up with more

things to be

upset about

i mean if life is very very hard you don’t

waste your time on bullshit you don’t

think about

bullshit if you’ve got a lot of shit

going on in your life

but when life gets easy

and it’s easy to get food and it’s easy to get fat

it’s easy to be lazy and it’s easy to do

a job that you don’t really like and

waste your time away

then you start looking for

things to get mad at

then you start

going i don’t like your tone

well and also like if i can

bitch about you

and what you’re doing it takes the

light off of anything that i’m

fucking doing of course

pointing fingers you know yeah yeah yeah you’re

a piece of shit

i can make you look

bad you have no idea how bad i look yeah that’s a weird

thing when you if you have a disagreement with someone

and you say hey man like why are you

you know you’re

doing this this is kind of fucking me up

yeah but you always fucking

do this with that

right this what’s up with that

and you know we’re not even talking

about that we’re talking

about you right now

that’s textbook

yeah why you

going immediately to jumping

pointing the finger at me trying to even the score

now if you don’t want to talk you don’t talk

about you want

to obviously it’s your fucking podcast but

so what what

like prompted you

to just you know passively

just be like shut up faggot

or whatever the fuck

i just like what

was the detail

no douchebags like that all the time with this guy

yeah yeah what happened what’s the

whole i already

sort of talked

about it it’s just a

this is what it’s all

about it’s about negative

mixed martial arts reporters

there’s a few of

these guys that are trying to do this sort of jim rome

thing where they’re trying to like insult guys and say

the most insulting shit possible that’s like

their whole

stick right

the problem is you’re dealing with someone

who’s putting

their emotions

their physical health

their future

and possibly the quality of their

thinking on the line

every time they

step into that cave there’s nothing more and

these guys who are reporting on it are making a living

off of these guys taking

these chances and performing

right and you must respect that

in my world i

think that is one of the most important

things it’s like

that someone

who is very vulnerable

it doesn’t seem like they are

cause it is destroyers and

these killers

it’s a very vulnerable

place to be

and you know to be shitty

and and to be douchey to

these guys and to do it anonymously

just and do it as a person who

doesn’t know anything

about martial arts

and this is my problem i i hate that shit it

drives me nuts

and this guy

is like the

worst guy ever at it he’s like his

whole all of his

stuff he writes is like negative

all of it is insulting it’s like the

perez hilton of

ufc exactly right and

you know he’s doing it just

like his stick

well he picked on me

and he picked on me

about something

he said that i was incorrect

about a technique

which i was correct about

so i just decided you know i’m

tired of this guy’s bullshit

so i just attack him

right right

right so i just

you know i called my faggot

which probably negated

in a lot of people’s eyes all the positive

things right yeah

like oh he’s a home but dude

that’s probably

that’s how i felt

you know i mean that’s what i’m saying i

mean you know

and look you know and people like what you

hate that guy like i don’t i don’t hate anybody i just

don’t want him to behave that way i don’t know him and

might not he

might not be anything like that

that thomas

rios guy might be a nice guy that

might be just what he’s trying to do you know

i have no idea i don’t hate him but i hate that

form of journalism

it’s a terrible

thing it’s it’s

wrong it’s unfair

it’s it’s putting out all this negative energy

for no reason yeah sensationalism yeah and i have

no problem with people critiquing people’s technique

like if you say

you know say if you’re talking

about a particular

fighter well he

never really developed outside of the one

dimensional

wrestling type

fighter he’s

never really developed to

stand up he just likes to take guys down and be

if that’s just a fact

that’s just a fact right but

this is not what this guy’s doing it’s like insulting

he’s saying really shitty

nasty things

about people

and then when they lose

he’ll tweet them

and say see i told you

he was that guy is just waiting to get his back

taken out of

ralph’s two

heavyweights matt mitreon

and joey beltron

two cool motherfuckers too by the way

joey beltron is the shit

that guy is a cool dude he’s like a

really really nice guy and he’s a dj in his spare time

just like bar

mitzvahs and shit

right okay my man’s out there

grinding all

right and this guy’s just talking

about how he’s

gonna get fucked up and how he

doesn’t belong in the ring with his

other guys just

in the way he said it was

super douchey

so joey beltron responds and even how he responds to it

is like yeah

thanks a lot that’s a lot of help or something

along those lines

right just kind of and then

after he loses this dude sends a

tweet out that was something like

you know apology accepted

because i was

right you got your ass kicked it’s like man you’re just

fucking with a vulnerable person man for no and also a

vulnerable person that can kick your

fucking ass yeah and it’s like i said there’s nothing

wrong with critiquing

their their technique

or critiquing even

their character

their behavior if they’re

after acting in a certain way and they’re

acting douchey or something like that there’s nothing

wrong with being honest

but when you just start

everything is just attacking and negative

there’s no joy and praise like what are you even

watching this shit for

you know you’re not it

doesn’t even seem like you’re

enjoying it

well he’s just trying to make a name for i mean it’s a

great analogy

set of jim rome because you remember when jim rome got

famous yes for doing that was when

he was with with

jim everett was a

quarterback of the rams yeah and he had him on the show

and he kept calling him chris yes

for like his

radio show and

jim came onto the show pissed off

and he’s like you know i’m here to set this record

straight you’re

gonna quit doing that

he did it right in

front of him yeah he’s like whatever chris

and he’s like say it again and

he waited for like three

seconds and then he goes chris

and he real

and fucking ever it flips the

table over on him and like jump on

and dude he was

famous ever

since then yeah

this guy’s just waiting for somebody to

fucking throw one

punch at him

so he’s all in the news

first of all you can’t

compare jim rome to an internet blogger

yeah but you know i’m saying though but that’s the

best thing that can happen

to this fucking asshole well it’s not i don’t know

you know it’s not

it’s this thing

where they’re trying to just get attention

right only by just negative shit you know it’s all it’s

right there’s no joy for it there’s no

and it can work for some guys

like it work for rome i mean it can work for some guys

right but it’s

it’s you know it’s fucking shitty man it’s shitty

and there’s a big difference between a guy losing a

basketball game

which sucks

and a guy getting his ass kicked

okay i guarantee you

nobody has felt

worse than brock

lesnar after kane

velasquez beat the fuck out of him

probably no one that’s ever

lived that’s

about is i mean outside of losing a

loved one that’s

about as bad as you can feel

right physically

and physically

and emotionally probably more so

yeah it’s as bad as being

fired from a job you love

i mean he just got the fuck

beat out of him and humiliated

by a guy who’s

smaller than him and he’s this big

giant fucking goliath of a man

and a heavy favor

he’s pretty

heavy favor like

three to one or something yeah

you gotta respect that man you know

you gotta appreciate the fact this guy took this

crazy fucking chance and yeah he did it for money

and yeah you know this is what he

chose to do for a living that’s

absolutely true but

no one feels that bad if they lose a

basketball game

you wanna shit on

basketball players

it’s really a different

thing man right totally

even then you know you shouldn’t be doing that critique

their character critique

their technique critique critique

their ability to perform that’s all well and good

but we start just insulting people and just

wanting them to feel like shit you know with

your commentary

totally being

inconsiderate

of this person’s feelings right

it’s like everybody knows that guy which

by the way i’ve all been we’ve all been guilty as

comics of doing

out of someone i’m sure you’ve made fun of someone

yeah sure but i mean you know that’s

a little bit different i mean you can it’s

about people i’ve met

some mean shit i’ve said some mean shit in the past

about people in the sake of comedy that i

wouldn’t say now

right i think i just think

about it different now you mean in

stand up you

wouldn’t say it now are you yeah

like now i look at it i go

what do i give a fuck

about if that guy’s doing this

i feel like

a lot of that is like growth in your own like

act and as an artist and

stuff early on you

start you know that’s something you probably do

earlier than

later when you

know when you

start getting better at

stand up and you

start getting better at

well it’s also you just consider why am i

why am i upset at this guy you know

right right

i know it’s just a joke

or what a cheap joke

or cheap i never answered a

lot of jokes

but you know

some you know

what was it

like the hugh hefner

joke i wouldn’t do that one if i had a chance to do it

today really

yeah that’s such a

funny joke you’re not really playing him i

would do it

differently

character of him i

would do it differently

um i don’t know

but i would i would not

not do the anna

nicole smith one that one she

doesn’t get a pass

yeah so that one

there’s few people that

turn it down yeah

when you start fucking

right a billionaire

i’m i’m okay an old billion an old billionaire

did she really get the

money though whatever happened that

she kind of died before that all got worked out well

yeah i think the law i

think she died i

think she overdosed before when all

those litigation like her family was like we’re

gonna sue you to the end of time this is

gonna shoulder bro

maybe you’re that rich

they could easily kill

that’s texas

money right that

texas well i mean texas

sassens you can yeah indirectly

i mean even if they didn’t indirectly they probably

drove her to fucking

right they’re like let’s just keep this in the

court till she kills herself

i’m saying i mean she’s

yeah you know

right she’s that type anyway i mean

obviously it’s also

weird that her son died too

i found that weird

whoa what if they

what if you find out this is like some

crazy conspiracy

it probably is

i believe that more than

tower seven we

should call alex

jones up right now

yeah right we

should call up alex jones

right now what the fuck

is that your alex

jones impression

oh no that was your ideas

oh god haha

he’s like joey diaz

tourette’s over here when is that video coming out

the one i’m doing now yeah

is that the one where he was on the

radio show yes just lost it greatest

things ever happened i’m editing

apart right now that’s pretty

funny that has to do with censoring words

where we went to a radio station and they

wouldn’t let joe say the word retard

which we thought was but he

could say everything else but no

you can’t say everything else but retards

a new one that you can say

wow they call it

people call it the r word now

yeah oh the r word

yes so the i’m

serious i’ve gotten tweets

well saget replace the the f word replace the

n word and now the r words replacing the f word yeah

yeah what like i said something

about myspace

that i went back

and looked at my myspace page

and i felt like it was an abandoned

child that i left in a retarded forest

that’s what i

wrote right and

people starts raining down on you

i got a bunch of

tweets like i can’t believe you used the r word

i’m not kidding

man i’m not kidding it’s the fucking r word

like when i was a kid

they said that in the

the r word yeah when i was can’t believe

you use the r word

that’s what my mom used to say to me if i did something

wrong don’t be a retard

is it right

is there gay homosexuals

what what you mean retarded

homosexuals like

like retarded faggots

dude you said

gay homosexuals

i mean i mean

i mean handicapped

homosexuals

you’re too high

you’re talking

right now yeah

right fucked up that there’s god

there’s gotta be

handicapped gay people yeah

there are you

think of course

well maybe yeah i don’t know i

guarantee it makes

sense what a

shit roll the

dice that is yeah i just wonder if it works that right

just seems like that

would be something that you

would have to be a hundred percent

to know that you’re gay or hmm

you know i wonder if it’s there such i got a

definition of queer

some fella on the

underground told me what

queer is cause you know one of the acronyms of lesbian

it’s like lbg

t q q stands for queer

and queer means

not particularly attracted to anything

attracted to whatever

like sometimes it’ll be

a guy bisexual

yeah well how is that

different than bisexual

right how is that different than bisexual no that’s

it’s the same

thing right it’s just

ignorant gacy thing

this is just showing you what a

bunch of fucking pussies we are

that somebody let them put that in

if someone said well this isn’t

bisexual is this enough

do we have enough letters no no no

i’m not represented

right i’m queer

i’m not decisive not gay

i’m not bisexual meanwhile most offensive gay

voice ever there it is

right right right

here it is yeah

this is my gay

voice from now on

i’m gonna do a gay

voice like a businessman

that’s my gay

voice right now

you should do like that

do japanese

businessman don’t feel

representative

mind type is clear

i like it in the butt right yeah

no not always

he likes it wherever he likes it sometimes

in my mouth sometimes up my ass

it’s like what

i mean that’s just someone just

pushing it that’s what that is that’s pushing it

right you can’t tell me that’s different than bisexual

do people just

wanna label

people have to

label you like what’s your deal

how could you call

queer how is that different than bisexual

there’s no argument if that’s the

definition if that’s the

definition of it

there’s no difference i’m going

basically by the way just off some dude on a message

board yeah he

might be not the most reliable of

himself but there’s something

about it man i’m like i think that

might be correct man

i don’t know it just

sounded so cause like

growing up i always

thought and you know this is just i mean i don’t know

where this came from in my head but growing up for me

queer was always just like you’re just not

quite straight

i mean you’re not totally

gay but you’re not you’re

definitely not i

grew up queer

in boston was

was this another version of faggot

yeah yeah yeah

yeah this game

is queer this

game is queer

and there was no our

queer at mma

there’s no rs in the

mma bloggers

queer it was never like

look at these

queers over here like if there’s a

bunch of gay guys that

would sound odd

if there was a

bunch of gay guys

it would be like

you know a lot of guys

would say faggots

a lot of guys

they wouldn’t say

queers or fags

faggots wasn’t big for me growing up

that wasn’t a big word

queer was but faggots was kind of more like

yeah it’s a college

yeah well it’s

momo’s was a big one too

almost got that but

even that was like the same thing

it really is

i mean there’s really no argument that it’s not

it’s not like a desensitizing sort of an attitude

to use all these different gay

slurs is really no argument

but why are they so fun to use

right it’s annoying you know why it’s

cause the way you said

earlier it’s

like when you’re growing up as a kid it’s just fuck

you forbidden

be saying it yeah

right it’s taboo

so then it becomes

a part of your

vernacular it becomes a part of your vernacular so

as an adult it’s just like

ingrained in you to be like

throw it out there because it has that

edge to it it’s got an

extra notch

yeah extra notch that fuck

like cut has an

extra knots that’s why i like

using love it

one of my favorite words yep you dumb

yeah bro that’s a call

bottom of the barrel dude

you call somebody a dumb cunt at the look is

great though

and i’ve had

that they shut her up

say unfollow

i cannot believe you used such derogatory

language towards women

meanwhile i was talking

about a dude

right i was

talking about

a dude and i had

people unfollow me because i used the word cunt

but i use the word cunt at

least once a week just to weed out the bitches

everybody’s on my twitter

and you can’t handle

cunt get out of there get get

because people assume

that most people

twitter if they’re in the public eye

is not going to really represent how they actually talk

most people

to give you some

like when was the last time ashton kutcher said

cunt in his twitter yeah you know what i mean i’m sure

you hang out with ashton kutcher

and you have a couple

drinks and smoke a joint with them he just

sent that yeah of

course yeah you know he’s

gonna talk about this dumb cunt

right something mean

right everybody does man all the queers

he probably says

queer a lot it’s fun

these queer cunts

but i think the

women that get

upset at that

women get upset at

using the word cunt those

are extra cunting

those women

are brutal that’s who i’m talking

about they’re brutal

they must be brutal

yeah give me a

chick that likes

to be called a cunt in a sack and now i’m

you’re talking about

set for life one

particular chick you’re talking

about a particular

chick you can’t call a

particular one a cunt

that degrades the entire

population of

humans with vaginas really

that’s ridiculous

right it’s like me being

upset if you call some guy a douchebag or call some guy

right a dick

you know what guy would

stand up and go i can’t believe you’re talking that way

about men about all dudes

no guy would

know nobody nobody it’s like that

how dare you talk

about men like that that weak ass

thing that some people will say to you

like uh oh you hate

women you know

brian post saying that i

had this argument too i mean not argument rather i love

brian had this

discussion and he was having an argument

with some female comic

and he goes

and as soon as the argument got ugly she goes

i think you hate women

and he goes

that’s really funny

because everyone that’s ever said that to me i hate

he’s hilarious well i

think that’s just a weapon

that’s weak

a very specific

woman uses that weapon it’s a political correct weapon

that’s when i’ve been backed into a corner i’m gonna

throw that out there just because it’s so tab

you know it’s like oh no i don’t want you to think that

about me no

i hate your type of

woman that’s what i hate it’s a

bitch thing to say

it’s a weak ass

you know like a fake

magic spell

you hate women

right oh is

that what it is

cause you’re

annoying like

all women are you exactly

right everyone

is the same

every single fucking

woman on the

planet is exactly the same there’s no variation

i have hate for all of you just

because you’re

annoying yeah

exactly that’s

so weak and they just try oh that’s the same

thing as what’s

going on with this

this whole like faggot

comment no i disagree really

why i disagree well

first of all all the by i hate

women all they’re trying to do is put you on your heel

right trying to make you feel like

there’s something

wrong with you they called you on it you hate

women of course you do and they like

stick with it

right you don’t even know i know i don’t hate

women i hate you no no no i’m sure i can tell

you hate women i

see what you’re doing you hate women

that you hate

women thing

that’s them being weak that’s all that is that’s them

trying to look for some reason why you’re wrong

some reason why you’re bad some

giant blanket

statement to label you

but someone’s saying faggot i mean that

legitimately is a slur

for homosexuals

right i suggest

you know even if you don’t use it that way and i

would use it that way and even if

brian calls me i’m like what’s up faggot

and i’m like how dare you

are we gonna go eat

that’s how we talk

it’s not a slur at all by then but right

the term of

endearment it’s actually the opposite

right yeah exactly

there’s too many meanings too confusing to some people

but that’s totally different than you hate women

someone saying that is just that’s just the ultimate

stupid trump card

it’s like i called it

i called it you hate women like

it’s so dumb

it’s like no no dude ever says that fucking

chick she hates men

or if they do if the guys who can’t get laid

that does happen

where dudes got fucking

lesbians those guys

oh that’s just

those guys are just hater dude

right i love that it was a

buddy that i it’s always somebody else’s

fault that a

guy can’t get laid to you know what i mean it’s

chick was a

bitch there’s a dude

right now it

wasn’t the way you were acting you dumbass it’s

cause she was a

bitch right

there’s a dude

that i used to hang out with a long time ago

and he used to always do that he was brutal

first of all you hit on anything

and girls didn’t want

everything to do with them fucking

lesbians like

literally fucking

lesbians he’d be

angry and look down and shit

right meanwhile she’s leaving with another dude

hey let me ask you this man your mom’s gay what was

it like in like high

school and junior high when dudes would make

lesbo jokes um

does it i mean to i

would like a joke in my

stand up that

you know two

chicks making out the hottest

thing in the

world to let your mom you know what i mean

you do then it’s just you know i mean it’s like no

right oh my god it must be so true that i so

weird so it’s like dude like growing up or like

especially in college time you know when girls

start like getting really like sexual and

stuff like that girl i

would always wind up dating girls

would always want to be like

you know i made out with a couple chicks

before like trying to like like that

would matter to me but i

grew up with that being no big deal like

chick on chick porn does

nothing for me bro you know what i mean it’s

almost in a

weird way it has the fucking

weird like i can’t watch

it yeah exactly

please let it dude

hope the dude walks in the room soon

man the black guy anyone chinese

guy that fucking

ninja exactly

how about throwing an animal guy man

anything with a dick

right exactly about

somebody with a boner please walk in the

room was it

common knowledge amongst all your friends some of

yeah some of

them know but like i said like i grew up in the midwest

and it was very

taboo and it’s like dude what kind of

part of the midwest

northwest indiana

right on lake michigan michigan city

like 20 minutes outside chicago you

know we did a show in indiana in indianapolis naptown

they boo john cougar melon camp

wow why is that he lives

right there because he

believe that dude

i can believe

i can fucking they

put his ass

they put his big ass fucking head on that

screen a giant

screen and you’re

that’s strange

he probably said something

about deer hunters

or something dude it’s hardcore i mean

that you know you really don’t like that

whole area the country i mean i you know i have nothing

totally against it

other than it is exactly what you

think it would be

so really we did this whole like

their roommates fucking

cover up you know what i mean and just let the johnny

think think shit

i grew up with a

buddy that had

an obviously gay

mother sure

and we were like

man you sure your mom’s not gay no my mom’s not gay

would like fucking deny it to the

death meanwhile

his mom had

short hair okay

and she lived with this

woman who was

250 pounds who

would wear a vest

sleeveless vest right

sleeveless shirt

underneath it

changing the oil on the car in the

driveway yeah and she had these big

sloppy like

truck driver man arms i think

she was horrific

she was a big

giant man thing

right and she

lived with this guy’s mom with my friend josh’s mom

and i was like dude what’s up man

your mom’s gay no my mom’s not gay

i don’t care

i don’t care if your

mom’s gay but you got to tell me that your mom’s gay

cause otherwise this is a crazy

we’re never

gonna be honest

about anything

right right

right i know

something it’s like you

know if you’re gonna lie

about what’s obvious you’re

gonna lie about

everything you’re kicking

over my sand castle i’m showing up at

school every day with a

dress on do you believe i’m a girl

you would say you’re a dude with a

dress the fuck man i know

right i know i am a girl come on let’s hang out

no we can’t hang out anymore

cause now you’re talking crazy yeah

right your mom’s gay

so it was like when

we were like fucking fifteen if i was like yeah yeah

i mean that’s you know growing up that was sort of a

you know my

sister was my

sister was very

like would just talk

about all the time very open with all her friends

about it i just

kinda just like

never said shit if anybody

would ask me

about any of my buddies would

talk you know we

would talk about it’s

no it was really no big deal but it’s just like one of

those things were

especially when i was younger

i mean dude that’s like

back then like eighty one ish

eighty fucking

midwest that’s like wake up with a burning

cross in your

yard kind of shit you know what i’m saying

for real like

i knew a dude when i was

thirteen i was thirteen i was fourteen i was fourteen

he was a gay hustler

he was a friend of a friend of mine’s

and they would like they

would do drugs together this guy had like a real coke

thing and i

think this guy

got him the stuff and

and we were all hanging out one

night i was like what is that guy do

he was like a little

older than us he was like

seventeen right

and it’s like

makes money

just doing a lot of shit that he shouldn’t be doing

this is my friend

jimmy who used to talk like in code like

that he was like real blue collar construction guy yeah

everything’s very vague

so eventually i

found out this guy was like

he used to but he

doesn’t do it anymore

apparently he’s done with it

he was like a gay hustler

what exactly is a gay hustler dude a gay

hustler’s like you go out with rich dudes and suck

their dicks

right and give you

money right

and you hang out with them

you know you hang out with them like for the night and

you make it look like you

party and you’re like a

party boy and you go from one

place to another and that’s how you make your living

that’s what this dude was doing

and he wasn’t gay

apparently just yeah i got a problem with drugs back

then he fucked up

sucking a lot of dick this was the strangest fucking

thing you know i was like i

guess i was fifteen at the time

i might even been sixteen now i think

about now as boston

as when you’re

driving yeah

so he might have been a bit

older now that i think

about it because i

think i was

driving at the time so i must have been sixteen

but it was that some eye opening shit

right there when you’re

like god damn

yeah man what a so

you get to see a lot of shitty choices

you know that’s one thing

about growing up you get to see a lot of shitty choices

like i talked

about this in the podcast that

i never did coke because my friend

jimmy his cousin was selling it

his cousin never left the attic him and his girlfriend

just had an

apartment in the attic

boarded up windows

and fucking hid from the world

and he lost like 15

pounds and they just look pale as fuck

they always looked like death

and i was like this dude

is like disappearing to this drug like this is nuts

so i thought okay that shit’s off the menu

any drug that

where your teeth

start falling out you know what i mean like heroin

crack coke it’s like

grind i draw the line

where your teeth

start falling out and i mean if

something’s

bad when like you see somebody they just don’t have

teeth they don’t give a fuck

have you ever like have you ever

slept next to somebody that just ground

their teeth at

night like really bad like

sound like marbles crying

in their mouth

that’s stress

that’s some

weird like tmj

two there’s a

weird diseases

my dentist says i don’t grind my

teeth but i’m a clincher like like

i’m just always tight tight

you know what that means

you thinking

about taking the ass and you’re prepping

ripping you bite

it out see all your

dreams are about you taking the ass

it’s probably big

black dicks too that’s what probably is well it’s

weird is when i did salvia that seemed like that’s

what i was doing

bite it’s a pillow biting

thing going out

it is man pillow

by you thinking

about you got a

mouthful of pillow

chopping down you

calling me a faggot no i’m

not calling you faggot at all

are you gonna

use that word

you putting words in my mouth

well you know it was an

obligatory black dick reference

there’s a there’s a threshold

there’s a thing on the rogan

board with it like how many times would you

bring up black dicks this podcast

right i think juvenile

motherfucker man i

think we’re at

four so far i’m not i’m not stopping either alright i’m

forty three years old i

still have a wall

chain to wear a backwards baseball hat i’m a child

i’m a juvenile

old man forty

three going on

seventeen you give a

fuck eternally i don’t

have to grow up any more than this it’s like why just

cause my body is

aging i’m supposed to change

this is stuff that i like i mean i’ve evolved

but the shit i like i

still like all

right and he kicks

that dicks in the ass is always

funny joe diaz

walked up in the alex

jones studio there’s one

thing that’s in the

video and i’ve talked

about this but it was so good i had to talk

about it again yeah

he gets up he’s talking

about smuggling

weed under his balls and alex is

going crazy

and this is how he gets up

i’m in the middle crying

laughing cause he’s describing his ball

this is my left ball is bigger than my

right ball cause i’m

right handed

i thought i had cancer for a couple of weeks

anyway that weeds

under my balls and it’s

stinking and alex jones

going no no he’s

going yes yes

and he’s saying no like quit talking

about this shit

yeah yeah yeah he’s talking about

smuggling weed

on his balls

on the alex

jones show which is like

he has like

ron paul on his show

right right and

like a lot of like serious presidential

candidates and tea

party people

they go on the alex

jones show joey

diaz is talking

about smuggling weed

under his balls

and then when he’s done he

stands up and he’s got this

thing going on with his fingers

yeah he goes joe diaz

facebook twitter

check yourself before you

wreck yourself

big dicks in your ass is bad

for your health and then just walks and then he goes

stay black is that the most important

thing and he

walks out of the

studio and leaves me crying

beat red in the face i can’t

catch my breath

i’m crying laughing and alex

jones going he say

he say he’s the devil

the poor fuck

it was one of the the

greatest but you know that’s what makes me

laugh man i’m sorry i

i i am a very deep thinker

when it come in what does that mean that

sounds like something i’m trying to get laid so

i know very deeply

thought i think a lot

about a lot of shit is not

not juvenile i

think a lot

about space and

about you know

scientific discoveries and you

know and then

you know what is life and what is this all

about and the big philosophical questions i

think a lot

about all that stuff

but when it comes to

laughing like

silly laughter

i like my shit dumb

i like a lot of shit dumb

i like some

clever i like

clever thrown in there with it

like i left in my own act i love to have clever

stuff i love that like

really well

crafted piece that’s

weird and strange and then mix it in with some just

silly ass dick jokes yeah

right right

i mean just like

eight premises in my act were a dude

somehow another ones that blow some kind

yeah i mean

that’s what i

think is funny

right i’m just a

child i’m a fucking so juvenile

comes to my

sense of humor yeah

right and i

think everybody is i mean everybody has like

you know you

learn to laugh it’s this

weird hiccup

that only like humans the

human animal has

from being surprised it really is it works a lot like

magic like magic you suspend disbelief

and like when you’re doing

stand up or even just joke telling it’s like people

think they know

where you’re gonna go

right their

brains constantly trying to be

ahead of you

and when you flip it on them

it creates this

weird hiccup

that the only

human you know

what i mean yeah so it’s very old i mean it’s old

you know you can

scare babies when you

scare babies at that

age they hit a certain age when

laughter becomes

you know in

their in their life

and when you like you can

startle a baby and they’ll actually

laugh that’s only one type of

laughter like joey

diaz you know exactly what’s coming

doesn’t matter it’s

funny there’s no tricks

right you know i’m saying he’s

right like no but that he’s not and i’m like

grandma please but don’t

bump get it

you thought it was

gonna be a no but

that’s really

my grandma right

cocksuckers i

tricked you

again yeah no that’s exactly i’m totally

agreeing with you

where it’s just like there’s something

about that other kind of

laughter where it’s like

you’re laughing at it just because it’s just

you know it’s just

funny the way

that the person is just a cartoon he’s so cartoony

yeah i love

listening to him talk there’s a

bunch of different ways for

things to be

funny or reasons why

things are funny

right now it’s the most important

thing is find the most

find the most

things like ironic

things are funny like

movies unintentional comedies

like grizzly man we were talking

about that before the show

how funny grizzly man is

how funny r kelly is

that’s really funny

but it’s a different kind of funny

it’s like oh my

god he’s serious it’s like i can’t believe yeah exactly

right right i mean there’s a

bunch of different kinds of

funny but that’s the key if you want to be a

happy person

have as many of

those in the mix as possible this is

the problem one of the big problems i have with all

these alternative

comedy guys there’s a lot of guys that

they become like sort of comedy

snobs yeah can’t

stand it and

what they’re doing is and

they’re upset of anybody talks

about sex like

i know this one guy who got

upset at a friend of ours because he talks

about sex a lot

and he’s like man

you’re better than that like why are you resorting to

cheap jokes like

man this guy is a

sexual deviant this is what he thinks

about all the time

can’t he just talk

about sex you know

what do you care it’s like

there’s a lot of people that don’t

allow certain

things to be

funny because they feel like it’s beneath them

and it’s such a subjective

thing like that’s

funny that you mentioned i was talking

about this earlier with

might even be the same person we’re talking

about right here

you know it’s such a subjective

thing like you there’s always all

these comedy con

san francisco comedy competition and shit it’s like

how can you be

like it’s like a

judge clever guy

like joey diaz will

never win one of

those yeah but it yeah i don’t know how

absolutely yeah it’s like how do you

judge something that is so opinion

based like everybody

know you might find this

funny or that funnier and it’s

and that alternative comedy

scene where they are so judgmental

and you know and that’s such a it’s a country

defense it is a defense mechanism like a lot of

those people

they don’t think they’re you know

ostracized by

clubs or they can’t get into the regular clubs regular

scene and they

develop this

clicky little circuit

right where they just look down on everybody

you know what

i was there for

the beginning of that alternative conference i remember

very well well no no no i bet you don’t

because i was there in cambridge massachusetts at the

catch rising

start i really

started it was really i they meant out here is really

david cross

david cross

started it all off

but what he was doing is very different than what’s

going on now what’s

going on now is a lot of people are really

basically doing

standard stand up

it’s just they’re doing

stand up where they don’t exert a lot of energy

right and they try to be like a certain

they’re trying to have a certain amount of you know

clever words tossed into

their comedy yeah

they try to

you know they

try to have really well written

stuff they try to impress you

know comedy right

geeks with like

people who like

absolutely what

cross was doing he did a lot of

weird shit man he was taking a lot of chances

like some of

it didn’t work but i always appreciated that he

was doing it was always really interesting to me like

i remember one time i went to

catch and i was waiting on

stage and he was

doing this crazy

thing when i walked in the room

where he was

just had an exercise

video not an

video rather an

audio tape that was telling him how to stretch out

right and he was like doing it and commenting like

wow it really does feel like it’s stretching me out

right it was so strange well it’s very that they didn’t

know what to do they didn’t know whether they should

laugh didn’t

know whether they should

very like coffee man

it was but he was like

really committed to it and

the way he was

behaving was like the

crowd should be

like on the same wavelength as

him like wow

this is really stretching me out

like it was like this

weird sort of performance art

thing that he was doing right

and it didn’t really work that good but i remember

thinking like wow this guy’s like doing some

interesting shit it makes you think like

i’m doing like kind of cut and dry

like standard

stand up like

right maybe

what i’m doing is not as interesting as what this

right it makes you see

how broad the actual spectrum

is of what you can get away with what you can say

how you can make anything

funny versus like

right and he was fucking around he was

experimenting but that was

that was in my opinion that’s real true alternative

stand up he’s like

trying a bunch of different

things he was doing that was just one example

but he was very creative he did a lot of different

things like that

right but what

i see a lot of people calling alternative

stand up is like

stand up comedy that you

would expect from

someone who’s into alternative music

that’s what it is it’s almost like

they’ve decided to

love the same

clothes sure

into comedy

right it’s like

do we wear this outfit and now you’re a comedian

right and do what you

think you know

those guys would

appreciate they were too hip for the

room but that’s exactly what it has

become it’s not saying that’s what it is and you know

cause i think originally

started this sort of like a

like a counter culture

thing to the

stand up comedy boom

of the 80s and

even early 90s and then

you got this like spin off

thing with like

cross and odenkirk and all

those kind of guys

which were kind of doing the

counter the

stuff you couldn’t get away with with doing clubs

which is not such

shiny materials longer premises talking about shit

even more political

clouds we are smart

yeah sure and

you know big in san francisco like you know austin

places like that yeah and

and what happens is it just got

watered down

you got all

these people they’re like i

wanna be like that

so they just it

became a cookie cutter situation you’re so

right you know what i mean and now

you’re not getting really true alternative comedians

you’re getting fans of true alternative

comics doing

like material

you know and i

think i think it’s

caused sort of a um

i don’t know i

think it’s gonna

cause more like a push back to like

you know traditional if there is a lot

of them are

doing traditional

stand up exactly that’s what i mean because

that’s different

right they’re doing

stand up they’re just doing premises they

think an alternative guy

or gal it’s like if

it’s a pillow

fight all the

feathers are out of that pillow you know i mean a

bunch of people just

swing in empty pillowcases it’s like you’re not

gonna you know it’s like they’re putting on an act

totally that’s the act yeah and

it’s just because that

thing you know

it’s an oversaturated

it’s an oversaturated

style but there is a good argument though for having a

place where

that kind of comedy

gets a chance to grow i

think it’s a necessity

experimental comedy i totally

agree call it alternative is like a good move yeah

to figure out

i mean there’s got to be some

the real problem with our whole

thing is that comedy is just like one

thing it’s like no one just goes

to see music

you know like what kind of

music is this is it rock and roll

is it country

it’s like what

we deal with is like symphony

and rock and roll are all lumped in

together as one

thing right and it’s

what gets on before you really makes a big difference

if joe diaz goes on before you and just

starts talking about

you know pulling turds out of some girl’s butthole yeah

stuffing his

getting two

points on his weight

watches for

a girl’s ass

i’m eating her ass

right i’m licking a

monkey from behind i’m

sticking my nose in her asshole i’m doing the pigeon

right because

that’s a chicken

but what the fuck

right i mean

if he’s doing that and then you

wanna go do that stretching

video people are

gonna throw

glasses at you

absolutely you can’t do the two of them on the same

stage it doesn’t mean it’s some people that

might not wanna see

that weird thing

and maybe they’re not into like overtly

ridiculously

sexual juvenile material and

it’s a taste issue

right and that’s why saying it’s the same reason

like these comedy competition

things are bullshit

because you can’t

how can you you know

it’s like such a fucking opinion

based thing

of what’s funny

and what do i like and it’s your own personal

taste so who’s

gonna be like

that guy’s the winner

right there joey

you know what i mean it’s like whoever

music’s the same way though i mean if you really think

about it people who

judge like rolling

stone they say the cd’s like five stars when

you know to

another person that cd is the best fucking cd in the

whole entire yeah

what you know what you

don’t have is like you know the rolling

stones having to

you know schlep all

their gear up to seattle to just like you know

compete against

every other new band for

to be able to put on

their resume i won the

seattle band

competition or whatever if you’re yeah

for a comic though that

does mean something that’s what i’m saying it really

does i mean you’re like

at a club and it says on the marquee

you know jason

t ball winner of the

seattle comedy competition

yeah i know a lot of

good people i mean

that was very like it really helped when a

magical one the san francisco comedy competition did it

launched him into a lot i mean you

very good friend of mine i was good

buddy of yours

you know that was very you know that launch

you know because it gets it matters to industry

i worked with al

magico we worked together at the old cobs

the old cobs was this tiny

room it was like

150 seats it was awesome yeah san francisco’s

great the old

cobs was the shit

dude it was like one of the

smaller rooms in the country

and it was so good there was a bigger

place that i was working at and i’d rather work at the

small place it was like so cool but then

somehow or another it caught on fire or some shit and

they moved out

something happened

they moved out and they moved to

they might just

moved out i

might have made up the fire part or the fire part

might have happened

after them it

might have been

the new company that took over because it became the

green room afterwards right

but then they opened up cobs the new cobs which is

it’s way better because more people can get to see it

it’s a way bigger

crowd but it

doesn’t have that like personal

kind of like you know there’s something

about being in a room with like 200 people

you know like when you’re in the

or at the comedy

store and it’s

packed it’s like

maybe 190 or something was a

seat something like that yeah something like that

less than 200

that shit is magic man

when you get a tight packed

group of people like that

and it’s a low ceiling and it’s a

dark room everybody’s in there and

it’s like so

rounded the

best is like when you’re doing do you remember

how dublins used to be

did you ever

used to do that gig

it was okay but dublin’s had that bar

where always

people would be talking yeah but i mean

where it was just like

a wall of people around you that was the best i just

loved doing dublin’s

yeah there was a lot of arguments at dublin’s about

stealing material

about i remember a lot of that

i remember like

get the fuck away from here

a lot of people didn’t like working there

that place got closed down for

noise ordinance reasons

really yeah that’s why all the people all the houses

right up in the hill

no way yeah that’s why they

close that and they

went up having to sell it or something wow now i don’t

even know it now it’s like one of

those douche baggy clubs like

nightclub bullshits that are all over the

place a lot of those man

that is one of the

you know as you get older

you know the

whole club scene like

where’s the cool club to go to

the vip and like

that is like one of the douchiest things i

never got into that shit

can’t talk to anybody man my heyday

you can’t hear shit can’t talk to it’s one

thing if a lot of

people i wouldn’t even

wanna talk to friends

right it ain’t bad like but

remember when you and me

and doug benson

and who else is with

eddie and went to sky bar

no no no i’ll get it

brian oh yeah yeah we went to the had the

dance off yeah

where was that

it was in one of the clubs in

vegas but who else was it was you me

i know it was

one of the comics

took benson and ari

was ari there probably

i think was ari

may was ari anyway

we were it was like six of us

and eddie and

it’s triple

a triple each yeah yeah

yeah and eddie

and eddie’s

girlfriend and

a couple other people that we knew

and we were just had a

bunch of drinks

and we were dancing and being

silly making

videos with each

other and that was fun sure yeah it was

fun it was we were all together right

otherwise you can’t you don’t you can hear a fucking

fucking thing anybody’s saying

right i got to take a piss

i know like what and you have

these weirdo

conversations

where you’re talking in the guy’s ear directly

and you never know who gets to talk

so you’ll turn

right at the

wrong time and

sometimes you come really

close to kissing

cause you’re so close

you’re like no no no i told him it’s cool

he’s not mad

are you sure dude

up oh shit he

almost fucking kissed

you like you meet in the middle and you’re like i mean

touch noses and shit that happens

on the ear all the time too yeah you always

accidentally hit the ears

exactly it’s like hot those club

drinks are like fourteen dollars for a

you have like four

drinks like

sixty bucks

smells like shit yeah

if you had two

drinks your breath

smells like shit

period because

you’re drinking poison

and your body’s producing all

these weird acids

going what is all this

motherfuckers

drinking shit how much food do we have in here to sop

this shit up

right right

right right

this fucking

clubs are only good

if you’re if you’re on

ecstasy in those clubs

that’s where it’s at because you can’t hear you

see you just

yeah those places are

built for drugs it wasn’t bad because we were

super baked

right we were

super duper

right and you’re all together like

you’re with

all your buddies you’re not just like like the

worst on the club like that is like you and your buddy

go to a joint like that

trying to pick up on

chicks or whatever just

the fucking

dude it was

it was a nightmare

when i was like you know in my twenties or

early thirties i

thought of doing it now like fuck that’s where

that off that’s

where that culture of of man hating comes from

it comes to men

trying and trying and trying to get

women eating shit

it’s also trying to get

women and failing

and trying and failing and then developing a resentment

like my friend used to call girls lesbians

he was really just an unattractive dude

and you know he

really had a hard time getting girls

and so he was constantly getting this negative feeling

right right

so he developed this

and it’s because

you don’t even get to

see your personality

you don’t even

nobody’s even getting to know anybody you

can’t even talk to each

other it’s purely like lust animal

noise and moving

to vibrations

and then alcohol for shitty decision making

right and then

grinding against your dick so your dick

starts getting hard now

all your thinking’s out the way

right it’s purely caveman

monkey shit

right there

it turns into like just your dna just

starts acting up it’s the dumbest shit ever

did you see that shit that they closed

down at lax they closed down one of the terminals last

night for like a few

hours because this woman

start like fell down on the ground and had to call the

ambulances and

stuff and like

she ate a pot cookie

and she really she

blacked out

yeah she blacked out or did something or god

she accidentally

ate one or no

no she did eat one

and then these rookies are

gonna fuck it up for everybody man

so they love

that up in the media too

because of this busiest

you know busiest

travel day ever though imagine being

waiting in line to go on your

plane that some

chick couldn’t

handle a pot cookie is that really true yeah

it was on the other

do you have a news

story son is on

on mbc four

or los angeles

i have a bit that’s a true bit that i’m working on

right now that i just what

is it recently

about i took a pot cookie

and i got on a

plane but the

plane was delayed

we’re headed to london

right i was sitting in the the

lobby of the

plane in the waiting area what’s that

called what is that called time at

which you’re actually on the plane

waiting to get on the

plane oh the gate

the fucking

sitting at the

gate sitting at the gate and cnn is on

and i’m so baked i’m so paranoid

freaked out

thinking about my mortality

thinking about what will the

earth ever explore

what happens if a meteor comes

would they tell us

looking at fucking

ufos over typical joe rogan

thoughts right

but but super

super super big

right right

point where i’m like whoa i am way too high to be

sitting by myself in in the airport waiting to get to

you know right

watching cnn

you know but but i got through it and i was fine

but we did it with ari

i gave ari a breast trip

oops i gave our

something allegedly

and he got on the

plane and he was like

or no it wasn’t even

me i didn’t even give it to him it was before he got on

that’s what it was because

by the time we got on the

plane he told me

that at the moment we

first got on the

plane before it took off

he was seriously considering

running up to them and asking them to let him off the

plane he goes i had to keep it together

right i was

thinking i can

absolutely see it

recently he’s like

did it again i just

i was like wait you

no no like he ate

again before he got on the

plane i’m like

see to me that happened to me once on a

plane and i was

splashing water my face i thought i was

gonna die went

to the bathroom ten times and i thought it was

going to really have to tell them the same

thing like i need to land i

think i’m having you know

panic attack

but uh he’s he did like two weeks

later he just went

right back into the

saddle like i’ll eat another couple cookies and he

freaked out

again i don’t know if he

freaked out or not but he

the fact that he went back to it so

quickly though

he went back to almost

being arrested

federally arrested and

making this

plane late and

you know and all this

other i would get arrested to i’m sure oh yeah

i was right

with him definitely

check to see who else was on his

ticket and go

you got something yeah

come on what you

tell me what happened here i’m like i don’t know i live

with the guy i know guy showed up lasted he’s got an

issue i know

i’d arrest him too if i was you

yeah i’m with everybody else man when you

start fucking eating

cookies and making everybody else hold up for two hours

because your

funky ass can’t take it right

you know they have a problem in amsterdam

where they’re

starting to ban

edibles from coffee shops

why people because people are fucking eating

with like all

space cakes

these fucking muffins

you just disappear man

right stop being jason

they’re banning it from tourists to now

well they’re doing it in some

places in some

places they’re doing it but you know well that’s a

tricky thing

about edibles you just

never know what you’re

gonna i did that

howard dover’s gig in

his like you know

marijuana show

down at la jolla comedy store

oh he does them down there too he does yeah well down

there’s tricky yeah very

tricky very san

diego is very republican they they um for such

la jolla stores out surprisingly yeah

well you know why

because they’ve got

money exactly got

money in the

right next to mexico right

right you tend

to get a little fucking conservative when that’s

going on no shit

so they have the

same thing as they have in la

where everybody’s smoking

dude it was mayhem

it was mayhem

so i’m down there and i’m

baked as fuck

and i come into like that you know that little

green room they have it’s like a

closet basically where

you can just put your

coat or whatever the fuck

i go in there and i’m

stoned as fuck

and this like the whole

tables filled with cookies and

brownies and all this shit and i’m

super stoned

and i’m like fuck yeah

not even thinking that they’re

edibles not even

thinking that they’re edibles

and dude i slam

a fucking cookie that’s like this big i slam a cookie

how could you not

taste it dude these with

the honest to christ the most delicious

edibles i ever had it tasted

just like a

peanut butter

at all tasted

just like a peanut butter cookie

that’s how i thought

that’s how i thought that they

weren’t cause i

ate it first and i was like

mmm that’s not too you know it was really

peanut buttery tasting you know what i mean right

so they probably use like the peanut but

like the weed peanut butter as well as like the fucking

or whatever

fuck you up son dude and i take a

second bite of a

second one and i was already

stoned right

and this is before the show

oh my goodness

you into a show yeah yeah yeah

yeah that’s the best part

and somebody

comes in he’s like hey take it easy i made all

those edibles man

take it easy on that like you know

don’t eat don’t eat too he’s like if i was you

i’d only eat a half of a cookie

i already killed a cookie

and like i’m one bite into my

second cookie

stoned as fuck off of a fucking joint

and i had that feeling you know that feeling

where you can feel like the adrenaline like the

blood rush out of your face like oh i’m fine it’s

a terrible feeling

dude i looked

asian for my set

i’m literally just like did you guys

talk when you’re up there

yeah and i you know what i just because of the

crowd itself like i just went with fucking

i told the story

you know what i mean and it went

over really good i’m like the only way out of this the

only weed show

though exactly

dude the only way out of this and i just kept

referencing you know i

actually went actually really good because i told the

whole story

you know then

then the dude coming in and telling me how the fucking

i don’t eat half of one of those

and as soon as i’m like i

ate one of the cookies

everyone in the

crowds like oh shit

i had some of the most

disconnected sets in my life

doing those howard der

dover shows yeah

because everybody

would be there with weed

it’s insane

will be cookies and it’s the most corn

and dude i it’s

the popcorn oh the yeah pop

pop pop ice

cream pop ice

cream embarrass

a too much pop popcorn and yeah

it was like

frightened for his life yeah

i lied i love

paris i think he’s

i think paris is hilarious he is very hilarious

that shit’s very dangerous the popcorn yeah

that stuff is

strong there’s nothing

worth being

too high and that’s what i was saying

about edibles that’s why they’re dangerous because like

dude smoking a joint smoking a bong anything like that

i can you know what i mean i ritualistically i

can kind of control my intake

but i gotta tell you man some of my best

learning experiences

where we get real

introspective and

break shit down almost

all that shit has come from me eating pot yeah it’s

cause you’re

tripping from

edibles are more so than smoking it you mean you are

tripping it is

right look when when i go into

the tank i prefer to eat pot before i go in the tank

because it makes it more

psychedelic

the eating pot when you

close your eyes if you have like a real heavy dose

if you eat like

a big cookie or something i’ve done this so many

times on planes

when you close your eyes and you have

these mad visions

like really nutty it’s always like

like the that’s why i

love that cartoon like

it’s always like

they’re always very

colorful and moving

and constantly

changing it’s very

very psychedelic

but it’s a totally

different ride

it’s totally different put in pot yeah it’s different

than smoking and everybody that eats that shit

is just like oh i’m just

gonna a big

no dude this

is a fucking buckle your seatbelt kind of

shit a lot of times

gonna change your life

homie yeah this is a

you know turn the tv off and yeah yeah this is

kick it by yourself

in a dark room in

right silent darkness

right trying to figure out your life totally different

freaking out you you are

gonna be freaking out about

everything you’ve ever done ever i’m like fuck what’s

wrong with me

right fuck i

gotta get my shit together hey

dude how do i

still work at my job

you know what i mean that’s always people’s

first one that’s the gate into there is

i hate my job and then it’s just like

tom segura and i went to detroit i gave him an

edible right before we got on the

plane no and

he broke his

whole life down on the flight for our

flight he landed

goes dude i just figured out a lot of shit

about my life

really you know i’ve done that so many times

eddie bravo’s done that so many times did he

do it in your

ear or did he do it to himself oh and mentioned it

you know he

told me right

right right

so dude i really went through some shit on that flight

of course the next day though is

i i’ve really

broke it down on my

unicorn in my past life you know like like he probably

shit oh brian

what i mean like does he believe in that

breaking down now

would be interesting to

talk now no

i was think it’s

crazy shit no it was

really objective what he was saying it was just talking

about his diet in his

work ethic and a

bunch of different

things it was really like

it was obviously

things that

were bothering him that he hadn’t been addressing

i mean there’s some drugs that make it bad

you know like

there’s drugs that actually like you know pot all

those different ones have a functionality

and then there’s the ones that make it bad for

everything it’s like the rotten

apple it’s like

no one’s ever

ever ever i guarantee it

smoked a joint and robbed a bank

or done any bullshit

you know what i mean

that’s crazy

i’m not saying

i would be the

first thing i

did before i rob

the bank got

being high gangsters

but i’m saying not from fucking well i

think calling all putting all drugs

under the name

everything that’s affect your mind

under the name drugs

is just as ridiculous

as one guy getting in an argument with one

chick and that guy saying well he hates all

women right

right i got

you you know i’m saying it’s totally bro struggling

are they vary in their

effects so much

the spectrum is so broad

from you know i mean

everything is considered

like when you go

to saudi arabia or if you go to dubai

you know i know

people that were arrested for having melatonin

how about that

melatonin which is a

naturally occurring substance that helps you

sleep right natural

supplement that you buy at the store

people get arrested in dubai

if you have fucking melatonin

can you make it into another drug it’s like one of

those like no

it’s nothing it’s just

fucking no i mean

it’s related

to a lot of

psychedelic compounds

chemically but it’s not i mean all it does is help you

sleep and you get arrested

for that shit man it’s illegal you can’t have it

that is such a mild and innocuous

drug or or psychoactive herb i mean whatever you

think i mean

if it calms you down i

guess it’s got to be considered something

right it’s got to be

psychoactive but i mean it’s one hundred i mean i

guess i’m time of the united

states one hundred

percent legal you get that shit it between

counter the variation between that though and

oxycontin’s

right through the roof

right how are these two fucking

things in the same category and they shouldn’t be

our valium valium is

a killer man i love that shit fucking rush limbaugh

thing was going on

how great was that by the way dude

i loved it i loved it it’s like well well

well pot calling the kettle

black look at you mr

100 pills a day always the case

as a comic don’t you feel like

that that’s when

you wake up

and you see that in the news and you’re like

thank you so much remember that one

evangelist that was like

so against gays yeah bro

and then it comes out he’s just sucking

tranny dicks and all that

he’s drinking out of god

straw it’s the best you want

coconut i just love one

dude you know as a fan of the podcast you always hear

about this coconut coconut

juice is the shit it’s

really good for you it’s an isotonic beverage my friend

a natural one this is a new company i’m trying

these out they were at the

local vegan

store right on

cheers cheers

oh it’s delicious

oh this is just as good yeah it

tastes good for you that’s good

yeah thank you baby jesus i was hoping

right the other ones are from thailand

it was like these time motherfuckers

might have the real shit

now this one’s from buena park

so world of difference i mean that ain’t the same son

those buena park coconuts are

so fresh it’s hard to get

them from thailand because it’s so awesome in thailand

good though

so beautiful they don’t want to work all day

fucking gorgeous

for us they’re busy doing muay thai and

checking out dudes with

dressed up with

fucking dresses on

right so where’d you get this at

just a thai play just a regular

health food

store near me

it’s called follow your

heart amy and

brian coconut

juice it’s the shit son

coconut juice is so good for you

it’s just this

gonna sound

crazy but it’s

true that on battlefields they’ve used it as

transfusions

when people have lost blood

really they’ve

given them ivs of coconut

juice to replenish their

blood no way yes

doesn’t seem like that

would work yeah that

sounds insane

did you read

that on the internet no it says it on the on

the can weird

i’ve read i

haven’t read on the internet probably is more

well they can’t put on the can

there’s no way somebody

would call you on that shit right

it must be true yeah

so speaking of science

y shit we’re talking about like

things that we’re interested in

there’s two

things that i wanted to talk

about one before we get

going because we’ve been doing this how long or hour 35

with this richard dawkins

thing is fucking awesome

richard dawkins is reading his hate mail

in front of a fire

right right

now you know

there’s always

you’re always

gonna get haters and i i mean i think

right i don’t read my hate mail i i see

like that someone saying something douchey i just

delete them

or on twitter

i read like two words i know

where they’re

going with it when you when you

first started getting hate mail

where you kind of

like oh shit i’m getting hate mails yeah it’s a little

weird but now it

doesn’t even affect me

right right right

you feel like

it used to actually affect

me i’m like wow this is douchey man what the fuck

but now i look at it i’m like

whatever right

right right just

i just know who you are now no i

understand i

think all that shit i think

any contact you have with

human beings you learn

more about the

broad spectrum of

human behavior

and when people are douchey to you

it just lets you know that

those douchey people are out there and

then you become immune to them it’s like getting bit

by rattlesnakes a

bunch of times

right right

right you know after a

while you can get bit by them and nothing happens

right totally the

first time they

bite you you’re fucked you’re fucked it’s really

yeah right right

right it’s like when you

first get shit

on on the internet like people will become

famous like out of nowhere

oh like this antoine dotson thing

we didn’t talk about that

we’re in detroit

in the guy from that

video you know

you know yeah you don’t

have to come they’re raping everybody up in here we

gonna find you

right they made that song

about them the auto tune song and the

song was really fucking good the song we talked

about in the podcast song becomes huge got a lot of

money sky is a

fucking celebrity now man

we were in detroit this guy was in the

front row of the weigh ins

and i’m i’m introducing

fighters and

i’m looking down on my god damn it that’s anton dodson

right i can’t even believe this

right this is so strange

then it turns out that dana

white fucking brought the guy there i was just

gonna ask how he yeah okay

dana brought the guy there hooked him up

got him tickets and brought him around to everyone like

all the ring card girls and all the different

fighters and

everything and everyone loves this guy

everyone is like shaking hands with this guy taking

pictures with this guy i’m like

whoa i’m like

this is fucking

crazy man yeah

you should do that all the time just find somebody

these internet guys

like in every city

you got like

working for a guy like dana is so fun

right because nothing he’s a badass

right i’ve never

met him but he seems like he’s a

great guy yeah

seems like a

great guy totally

obsessed with

with making the

sport bigger and huger and

he does a lot

of nutty shit has it got double rainbow guy yet

no that’s what you get

cause that guy’s actually hit him and

they missed the boat on double rainbow

yeah by the way double rainbow guy

never got as big as anton danson because he

didn’t ever fucking didn’t have a song yeah he did they

made many songs was a double rainbow song any

good yeah it was really did

we play it yeah

yeah we played it

yeah it was good but that fucking rape song the

you know the

hide your kids hide your wife yeah

that’s just a jam dude

right it is like my good

when i my girlfriend was like have you

heard this song

she’s like i can’t get out of my fucking head

and i play and played it and i’m like don’t

just don’t do it to me and people

stick shit in your fucking head

oh yeah couldn’t get it out of my head for like a week

it’s amazing that

music can do that

i got this whole

bid on that that i’m working on do you

wanna listen to this richard dawkins

yes and this what is well anyway

segue came back

i you know i

don’t like reading hate mail it’s like i know

what you’re saying like i don’t need to hear it i don’t

need it it’s one

thing if there’s a criticism of someone’s like

reasonable and

rational and they have something to say like you can

learn from them

because you only

learn so much from people doing douchey

shit so i don’t invite it like you can invite it like

i remember man

steely used to have a

thing on his

website he had

love mail and hate mail

you could get send him hate mail

but it was so overwhelmed that’s a

scale i’d like to see how that tipping of that scale

and he got beaten down by

the fucking sat

nami of shit man

shut the site down and yeah and so

he had abandoned that shed he had abandoned

all ideas of that but

the idea is that you don’t want to give someone

the green light

to go and be a douche

oh yeah no there’s so

many people

that are on the fence

that’s what

right right that’s what kind of sucks

about editing heckler

videos when we

do a lot of heckler

videos and then

is that it opens pandora’s box

because they want a

video made for them and said me

joe had like maybe

ten more heckler videos

since the last one that we

could have done but then we’re like

let’s just not do that just just drunk

idiots just people looking for

their attention

i love that one

video that you guys had when

it was out to the comedy

store you did the

or whatever when you were doing like

thursday fridays and saturdays

that one chick that was like

joe rogan you’re fat

remember that one

you like bitch and you lift up your

shirt it’s like a fifty

he’s got like a

fifty pack and

she’s like well weird man

yeah it was weird

right that didn’t even make

sense i know

i guess it was

cause i had puffy

clothes on i had like a

sweatshirt on i don’t

think you did though

cause i was this and i remember being

lying i had

layers oh okay

right right right

cause i remember i had a wool a knit hat on

so it must have been cold

yeah it’s probably like this

time of year if you guys want to see it open she was

gonna hurt my feelings

man yeah it’s called joe rogan fat so if you google it

yeah it’s still out there yeah that’s a it’s a

funny one google that

was so mean

and they were such

because she had

said like a

bunch of different shit

you were just

shooting her down

shooting her down

shooting her down and then

she’s like one of the girls

birth you’re fat is

her birthday

it’s a one of

those it’s always

somebody’s birthday and she they

wouldn’t shut the fuck up they sat in the front row

and they disrupted

every comic and people kept

yelling and

screaming and then

after i got off

stage they came up to me like they wanted to take

pictures like

that’s always the one i was like you were the guys who

wouldn’t shut the fuck up man you guys ruined the

whole show oh come on don’t be an asshole

yeah right be an asshole i

was trying to

help you yeah she goes you’re fat you’re fat she’s like

puffing her

cheeks out right

jules you’re fat that was so good it was

bizarre it was like

it was like

you know she’s like you’re chinese you know like

you know exactly yeah yeah yeah you’re a refrigerator

right it’s like it didn’t make any sense

you know you want to call me

short i’m sure you’d be correct right

right but i know that you

can’t hurt my feelings with that you dumb cunt right

cunt dumb cuntosaurus so anyway

i don’t think

any back to the the

whole idea of hecklers i don’t you

given giving people the opportunity saying hey

you know come

send me some hate mail they’ll take it they’re

gonna take it there’s a lot of people on

the fence that are just gonna

and then they’ll even say i didn’t

even read me that i just want to get your attention her

funny thing is if you’re like hey

everybody please send me some positive feedback from my

stand up nothing

i have no intention

of fucking doing that hey man feel free to heckle

me it’s just raining facebook posts and messages on you

no matter who you

are jokes on

no i’m just

saying no matter who you are just like people fucking

yeah well that is true but you know

you get a lot i get most

most of my interaction online

literally majority

maybe ninety plus percent

is all positive

of course it’s so

small amount of

douchey people and it’s very satisfying in that respect

you know and my

crowds too i mean dude i have like the best

crowds like i i

everywhere i go i’m always

honored by how nice everybody is

cool and people come out yeah you

haven’t had a

good time fan base

they’re fucking

nice people

man they’re nice cool people you put that out there

and that’s what the kind of people that respond

you’re always

gonna have a few

idiots sure but

in the but considering what i do

considering that i do fucking cage

fighting yeah absolutely

that i used to do the ufc

yeah i mean god you’re a

gambling man you would

think that you’re you’re a fucking

should be doing

the parking

lot in a parking lot with like both hooks and taking

you know what i mean

it should be all everyone with tribal

tattoos neck

tattoos no yeah

should be everyone has foil on their

shirt with japanese

writing yeah yeah yeah yeah and you know even

those people that show up they’re nice too

yeah they’re just you know

who do you think has the douchiest

crowds richard dawkins

what richard dawkins

he doesn’t have

crowns bro he’s not a comedian there’s a

comic who has a doucheus

cry oh boy dane cooks

who’s the guy with a

pop there’s a

girl jeff dunham’s gotta have a douchey

crowd jeff dunham you know won’t make fun of christians

he makes fun of

everything because he

but he won’t make fun of christians

cause yeah because that’s fucking around he

wouldn’t go for that yeah dude that’s who

buys his fucking puppet

t shirts and

shit well i

guess you know when you’re making that kind of

cash though that guy’s like roping them in all over the

world like top 10

gross and calm i saw a

thing in like people are

some magazine

thing he was top 10 gross and

calm yeah he’s

making mad loot and he’s all

squeaky clean and it’s all like weird

thinly veiled

racism and shit you know it’s all like

anti arab shit

it’s like the

funny thing

about him is dude like as a ventriloquist

he’s not even a like his

mouth moves as much as my fucking

mouth is moving

right now like it’s like

this shit is like

fuck it i’m just

gonna let the puppet i don’t even care i’m not

gonna try to

trick anybody

this shit i don’t get and i’m not hating

you know i don’t get it there’s a lot of

music i don’t get

there’s a lot of comedy i don’t get

any to teach his own

you have your honors

i don’t know who else

would have a douchey audience who else who

steal you is a terrible yeah yes

definitely they

might be the worst

right they’re probably the

worst the poor fucks they’re just sad

they’re clinging to

embers yeah there’s like there’s like yeah totally

and i don’t know i mean it’s

funny to me like you know somebody

bust his balls for

stealing jokes

has he has the most

psychos he’s

incredible dude you know he is like we were talking

about him the

other day he is to

stand up comedy what the grateful dead were to music

he has a real following people

travel to follow him

and it’s like

people don’t really know the industry

quote unquote

don’t know what to fucking do with this they

wanna do something with him

but they don’t know what to do with fuck and he

doesn’t give a

fuck he’s doing it that’s

counter culture

right there that is what

it really is bro that’s alternative fucking comedy yeah

is doug stanhope i

totally agree

check out doug stanhope’s comedy if

you guys don’t know we’re talking i can’t believe you

wouldn’t but

yeah if you haven’t

heard but there’s a lot of

people that are just getting into this podcast now sure

and there’s a lot of shit that we talk about

i mean like

things like you

know that it

should be like

that’s real alternative

stand up i think i

think that’s the way that shit

goes where it’s like

fuck competitions fuck

you know festivals like really most of his

even fuck comedy clubs he’s not even hardly doing it

absolutely yeah he does a few

every now and then

but it’s really now because he’s gotten such a draw

and people are so

aware of it that he can kind of call the shots now

right they know like hey

stan hopes gonna be in town

you can either have you know 50 people in your

crowd on thursday

night or you can have 300

it’ll be selling out in advance

you know but you know

he doesn’t want to hear any bullshit

it does it all through

the internet and his relationships that he has at

radio stations

that being said

he’s got some psychotic

crowds you know what i mean it’s like his

crowds are the most

drunk they’re the craziest

right for obvious reasons

yeah i’ve met

a couple guys two now that have doug stanhope

tattoos that’s so

crazy amazing one

guy had sicko

tattooed on his arm like

the same way as

the title of one of doug cd’s

yeah wow that’s strong

that but that guy

that that guy’s a real

stand up like if you talk

about like this

that’s not industry bullshit he’s not

trying to get on a fucking sitcom that’s he wants to do

stand up yeah and what he does is awesome and he’s a

great i mean

he’s not trying to be anything

that he’s not he’s really just trying to figure

things out and make them

funny and talk

about it on

stage and a fucking

great guy yeah

the best the best

what about ralphie

may’s audience

i don’t know hungriest’s audience

that would be a

weird audience

i’ve never even been to like a real ralphi mei

well what’s

weird is there’s

certain people that have audiences that’s entirely

ethnic and they’re gigantic like mas gibrani has

a huge audience right

right and it’s all like persian people there’s a lot of

white people too that like them

but i mean that

he’s a huge star

in the persian community sure

you know like

diplomats from iran we’ll go to see masjibrani

perform comedy

yeah like he’s like the shit

in that community there’s no one even close

they just shot this

thing for directv that maz was in

it’s the first

stand up comedy

shot at the live factory that’s in 3d

like you can wear like 3d

glasses like for

those new 3d

televisions like i

guess directv

if you have

directv they’re doing

their own like 3d

channel yeah dude they’re

doing 3d games right yeah

call of duty

3d games and 3d laptops now they have 3d laptops yeah

that’s stupid to me

is it yeah i

mean laptops are for portable use so what are you

gonna be taking your

3d games to the airport and stuff

yeah dude some people who

travel they

travel with

those fucking alienware

things dudes were really hardcore

i ran to some chick the

other day at the coffee shop she had one of those

alienware things

what’s alienware

alienware is like a company

that makes gaming computers they make tie

and pcs like

serious graphics

cards yeah for

the people that

never see the sun

yeah and this fucking gaming computer this chick

had was like old school

thick it was like

phone book thick

right right

fuck had a crank on the side of it yeah and her

power thing the

thing that’s on the

cable you know the

brick what is that called

the brick that’s

part of the

power cable

what is that

brick part the brick

is that what it’s called

good guess you

know her brick was

like i have a mac

laptop hers was

at least four

if not five times bigger than mine it was

giant but i bet she has 20 usb

ports where

mines are only rocking

you know that’s so

annoying that’s one good

thing about

those big ass laptops they have

everything you want you know it has blu ray they have

everything there’s certain

things you can’t get if you have

a mac like if you have blu ray discs you can’t play it

right they just don’t play i

understand that though but

i don’t really

i don’t know

i think that’s

stupid i think if it’s available it

should be an option i think it

should be an option for anybody selling computers

if you have that shit it’s a big part of your homes and

especially your

claim to be the best i mean max

for the most part

i mean i’m a mac guy

i understand that

they don’t want to accept that sony came up with the

standard you know and that’s

that’s some ego shit yeah yeah

right blu rays are popular as fuck well

i think stop being cunts yeah well i

think the whole

point is that we’re moving to just straight digital

media like this is

gonna be a quick

run for this blu ray

and especially when

apple is the number one selling how

quick it’s been a few years

that’s in technological terms yes

a lifetime but that’s like stabbing

apple in the back because instead of getting if

you don’t have a blu ray player you’re not

gonna use blu rays on your laptop so instead you’re

gonna be using itunes and downloading

kick ass for

three dollars off itunes you

know and so yeah but what what if you don’t have a home

stereo that’s

or a home theater

system that’s connected to a computer yeah

there’s a lot of people that’s i thought

you probably

already dvd then because i mean the resolution for your

screen doesn’t matter anyway

but it does if you have

blu ray if you have a blu ray and you have a big screen

no no i’m saying it for your laptop

if you know okay

but what i’m saying is that if a dude has a blu ray

and he has a blu ray

dvd player and he

watches it on his big

screen and he buys a blu ray disc

and he wants to

watch the rest

of it on his flight to fucking new jersey

you should be able to

stick that shit

well that’s why a lot of them

come with like a digital

yeah the version of

you get the blu ray

a lot of them don’t i

would say at

least half of them yeah

that’s true

they used to all have it right

is i i actually was

under the impression that they

they used to not and now there’s not

amazon even for that

exact reason that you’re talking

about is that

people are being like that sucks because i can only

watch it on my one fucking

tv in my basement i can’t watch it

and amazon just

started this

thing where it’s like you

buy the movie from amazon and you

could immediately

watch it on

on your computer

oh really yeah oh that’s

kinda it is i do

agree with you though it is a pit stop eventually all

media will be just coming through the air it’s a

short pit stop

that’s what apples i

guess looking at it as it’s like it’s not

it’s going to add 100

to your laptop is it

worth it for something that we’re

going to take out in like two years probably

three years probably 3d games

on your fucking laptop

you just technology now is i mean just like look at

this fucking room for the you know what i mean like how

phones and you can’t get blu ray players

ten years ago

imagine an iphone if i

would have told you

about an iphone ten years ago you

might get the fuck out

of here you

know exactly you’re fucking

crazy yeah right you can do all that on when you

first cell phone

um i got my

first cell phone

and i wanna say ninety fourish

ninety three ish

early nineties

i had a car

phone way back in nineteen eighty

eight you had that big ass one with it was actually

box connected to the car yeah

go anywhere with it but it’s the same thing sure

and then i had

a real phone i didn’t get

until i moved to new york

or to la rather so i was like probably the same like 94

right yeah big ass

brick it was a

motorola flip

things what were

those things called

the really bitching

motorola ones startex

remember that

you’re not talking

about the one you’re not the one that had like the

briefcase when you’re talking

about like a real fucking

that one oh yeah it was a

motorola yeah

yeah sure we

call it start

text yeah it had the bottom that

flipped out but it’s only just for your

voice it didn’t have anything

else on there yeah yeah

those motorola motors

they mean you

had their cord

you could pull out

and it would push in i remember

that antennas a lot of dude

antennas you have to put them on your car for shit

yeah what is

going on with this

apple antenna

brian have they figured that thing out

where you if you hold the

phone a certain way you don’t get any signal

is that all bullshit

i don’t think it bothers anyone

i’ve heard that it was

bullshit and i

heard that it wasn’t also heard

that it was

it’s on one side that if you’re left handed

it covers it yeah oh so it’s

death to lefties yeah so and i’m left handed with

these no cases

you know imagine

if you were left handed you grew up back when people

would burn people for being left handed

yeah i am actually left handed and there

were times where people

they would correct people

yeah they didn’t correct them they didn’t

trust them they wanted to kill them yeah

they’re witches

cause they’re left handed

dude that just goes to show you people

are dumb as fucking always have been and they’ll find

any group to be a part of people

feared people being different people

and that’s always the case

it’s always the

case that’s what racism

about it’s what’s sexy

you know sexism

and all this

homophobia it’s just like man that guy’s

not like me let’s kill him anybody with me who’s in

there’s a little of that but

they’re also

fearing what they’re afraid of seeing in themselves

absolutely one hundred

yeah totally totally totally i

think ninety percent of people that are gay bashing

probably just

fighting off some internal

need to suck some cock

or the fear

of even if it’s before is more upstream than that

they’re afraid

that it’s contagious and it

might get on them

you know what i mean it’s like man if he’s

gay what’s next me get me the fuck it’s a fascinating

discussion you have with people when you talk

about gay being a choice or not being a choice

what’s your

thought on it because i actually actually i don’t

think i think you both

i think it is

absolutely both

yeah you know i

think i think

people that are born with it and people that

choose to do it

you know there was a

roman study that

started roman

not roman back in

roman times but rome in rome

did a study

where they could

included that

it’s very likely that homosexuality comes from

a variation of the x chromosome

and that it’s inherited from over

sexual women

and that over sexual

women that it may actually be some sort of a variation

that was designed to make sure that they get pregnant

and ensure their survival back in

tough times so

they had to be

really slutty

and not just really slutty but slutty with a

bunch of different men

and what they

found out is that

women who are

promiscuous

are much more likely

in this study

at least to produce homosexual children

and that when they looked at homosexual children

a statistical

majority like you

could look at it on

paper and go wow this is

these women have

in their horse

that’s fucking fascinating

it’s interesting it makes

sense i mean absolutely

makes a lot

of sense why women

wanna fuck men

on a lot of why some girls are just

freaks there’s

some girls that just will fuck everybody yeah

and they’re like that from the jump

yeah there was a girl that i

dated when i was in high

school and this

bitch will fuck anyone

anyone she fucked everyone

she was crazy yeah yeah i

think you didn’t have bits

about it yeah i know you did that sex

show that i

did with ari

that yeah yeah yeah totally true

story that yeah i came home this

chick was so

crazy i came home one day there was this

other dude that my

sister used to hang out with

and that was i was like

i’m not wasn’t sure if we’re

still dating anymore as one of

those things we

get in arguments

we never were really

going steady

now this is we do

you lost your virginity to no

okay okay this is

later different one okay

and so this girl was so

crazy that she was

getting fingered in the

front seat of a car in

front of my house

at like four o’clock in the morning

i had to get up because i had a newspaper

route i deliver newspapers

right i had a van and

everything and i

would go and deliver the boston

globe and the boston herald

and on sunday i had to get up wicked

early i had to

get up at four o’clock in the morning

so it was like

four o’clock in the morning i had to get up

and i i get out of my

house i’m fucking waking up i’m so

tired right i was like

thinking man dunkin donuts isn’t even open yet

right right

i go to work

so i i get in my

truck and as i’m walking towards my

truck i see that this kid

i forget his name

he’s parked

right behind me

on my street

right in for the morning

five in the morning

and he’s his hands go like this he’s fingering her

and he’s he’s like making out with her

and so i stand in

front of the car

watching this and they’re

totally oblivious

that anyone’s in

front of them

and they’re like

drunk they probably

drove drunk yeah

right he’s fingering her and she’s

in the front seat and she’s like

and then i slam my hand on the hood of the car

i look at the both of them i go

ah ha ha yeah

and that’s all i said

and then i got in my car and i

drove away and that was like so

right before you walked out of

your house or

apartment whatever at that one time

you were like

i don’t i’m not sure if this is my girlfriend

okay i’m not sure if this is my

girlfriend or not i’m not sure where we should

go crazy it was just a girl i mean she was

never my girlfriend

right right right it was like and she

would you know we had like a thing where i

she wanted to be my

girlfriend and i didn’t want

her to be i wanted another girl to be my girlfriend

right so i said no

and then i asked her do you want to be my girlfriend

later and she was no because you said no the

first time so i was like alright

whatever she

went on for like a year yeah

yeah all the

while you’re banging her yeah always

you could she she

would bang you

after a date with another dude

she this bitch was

crazy right

right right she just

never would

say no she just facebook friends with her no i don’t

wanna be this is crazy

she would just she would just

bang anybody

i used to talk

about it like

her with dick

was like a kitten with

a ball of yarn you couldn’t even drag a ball of yarn in

front of a kitten they’re

gonna dive on that

right right

right right

everyone who

tried to fuck this girl fucked her

and she was really pretty

i wanna see what

she looks like now she was probably

i don’t wanna say

i’m trying to be a positive person yeah no

more hate probably looks exactly like richard dawkins

why don’t you play that shit play that yeah

yeah this is

this is richard dawkins

sitting in front of a fire

and he’s reading hate mail

what’s the name on the twitter or the youtube video

uh richard dawkins reads

hate mail okay hate

emails and he’s

sitting in front

of a fire with his feet propped up on his laptop with a

big smile on his face and he’s reading this shit

and all these fucking

knuckleheads

richard dawkins is a very

famous atheist

and intellectual you

will not believe in the

existence of god but you believe in aliens

but the very

existence of

your animosity hatred and mockery towards him

proves your hypocrasy

i suggest that

you find the longest crowbar you can find

pull your head out of your behind

if there is no order in evolution

how are you born with your head on your shoulders

they get it

no i meant to get it

you’re so smart in your own eyes you can’t comprehend

simple bible passages

and misconstrue them for your own bullshit dog like

i read your book about the bible it is totally succedes

propaganda your theory sucks

you are not as wise as you

think you are

you hypocrites

want to condemn anybody for making mistakes

or believing different from your bullshit retard

atheism dogma

bookings books are fucking stupid bullshit

then it’s a shot the fire

then what is the point of your life pointless

when you die that’s it game over how pointless is that

i really feel sorry for you all

but it’s not too late to turn to god

there’s a lot of people listening going yeah from

god to you frank

this is what god says about you you are a fool

you are a fool that’s four words and i

also like how they speak for god

from somebody called am kota

no i defy any of my co religionists to tell me

they do not

laugh at the idea of dawkins burning in hell

i always love that you suck

go burn in hell

satan will enjoy torturing you

what happened mum didn’t pay enough attention to you

so you decided to rebel

i hope for your own sake you see your

grave mistake and repent

god dwells among us

every day you are the spawn of evil

christian living for god

so funny i hope

you die slowly and you fucking burn in hell

you damn blasphemy

right now you are rotting on the inside

but you must know

that there is indeed a god

a great god

and he will

forgive you if you regret from your fucking behavior

you should realize

that your entire life has been a delusion

and that right now

your destiny is all fucked up

our god is a loving god

but if you keep peddling this kind of filth

then i pity you when jesus returns

i hate your fucking guts

sincerely haha you fucking dumbass

i hope you get hit by a church van tonight

and you die slowly

such loving people

okay that’s

can you imagine being that dude

thank you for joining

me it’s guys like that that get

get their lives threatened i mean those

well you know you

could be a marked man if he was

talking about

islam he’d probably already be dead yeah those were

i mean religious

fanatics are the scariest fucking people in the

world to me

poor fuck by the way if you’re listening to this

and you’re a religious fanatic my name’s ari shafir

yeah and my

phone number is

don’t you do it

remember when we used to give out his

phone number on stage

yeah duncan

actually had it

on websites and

everything like that

yeah we would say after show and if you enjoyed

our his his phone number is right blah blah blah blah

he would write that down

his phone be ringing all night

didn’t that happen

yeah oh yeah totally who did that on stage with a

duncan i thought was it duncan yeah

sounds like duncan

right up duncan right in his wheelhouse

duncan is so fucking crazy

does he used to play

like elaborate they used to

break into each other’s

house like duncan piston and piston and glass broken

when they were neighbors duncan broke into ari’s place

and pissed in a glass and put it in his refrigerator

it’s like i opens

his refrigerator and he’s like what the you know what

i mean they

just steal each

other’s mail

they used to do all kinds of terrible shit to each

other that’s hilarious

um before we

leave there’s another

thing that i want to talk

about that’s pretty fucking

crazy and i

think you’d get into this

because you’re you’re in a weird shit

this is physics

brian god damn it

physicists from the

university of bonn

i don’t know

where that is

have developed germany is it

yes it is germany

thank you very much

they’ve developed a

completely new source of light

a so called

bose einstein condensate consisting of photons

until recently now whatever the fuck this means

experts had thought that this was impossible

and this method

may potentially be suitable for designing novel

light sources resembling

lasers that will work in the x ray

range among

other applications they

might allow

building more

powerful computer

chips and these scientists are reporting

their discovery

and the upcoming

issue of the

journal nature

so these motherfuckers have figured out a new form of

light a new source of light

that’s cool

there’s never they’re

never gonna run out of discovers

oh no i don’t never

until they find

the one that just kills

all of mankind that’s the only way that ends there’s

a lighter is there what you

think that’s it is there it means like how many

layers does this fucking onion have

is there a core

do they keep

inventing shit i think the

core is time

travel or the core is

once it all becomes interlinked and once you know

i think the core of it is just like an

understanding of the universe

like and how it relates to itself that time

travel theme comes up here on the show a lot

we’ve had a lot of us that are

you know the idea of it look

the idea of sending a

picture through the air to you or i

if we had to come up with it on our own

how to do that it

sounds like

there’s no way but no

way could happen i

could do it

right now but

you have no idea how it fucking happened but

someone did figure it all out some

group of people that got to the

point where it happened

now if we as a unit of

three if we were designed

or we were told to go out and make

a new way to send

video through the air so that it hits another

box something of

it involves

soup cans and strings

impossible we

could live a hundred lives do we

never even come

close no but yet somehow or another

people were able to put it all together and do that

that to me says

there’s no end it’s just everybody puts a piece in

this guy makes the

wheel and that guy makes the axle this

guy makes the

steering wheel

and maybe he

doesn’t know anything

other than the

steering wheels but he knows how to make that

steering wheel and he puts it all together

it’s like one big

giant fucking ant hill designed to

create yes the

building blocks of

evolution i mean it really is the contestants of what

evolution really is is

those miniscule

steps where something opens up another box and

another layer of the onion like that and that

they have to all act as

individuals but together

as a unit that’s the key to getting anything done

anybody that does something like say a guy like

you know stephen

hawking’s you know

particle physicist

like michio kaku or something like that they

they dedicate

their entire life to concentrating on

know particle theory

and concentrating on the cosmos and country

outside like there

that is their spot

that’s what that’s what

thing they do and what they

from the things they discover we get more of an

understanding

about stuff

and then some guy will come up with some new fucking

thing that ties into that sure man

and i mean they pass it on that’s why

those guys are professors

they pass the baton

to the next

class of people don’t like to

build upon what he did we’re all acting together sure

we’re all we just can’t see

it we just can’t see it but we’re all acting together

and time machines

yeah i think i mean i

think time i

i don’t know i don’t

wanna get too far i mean i know we’re almost

wrapping up so you just

it’s a little late in the show to

start a time

traveling fucking conversation

we’ve had him

a hundred times yeah i heard

lockhart’s a big he’s a big

dad yeah well you know that’s one of the cool

things about

knowing a lot of

comics and knowing

a lot of dudes that hang out at the comedy

store a lot of

comics have a lot of goddamn time

and they sit around and

think about and

they’re generally

smart people like the better the

comics like

you know are smart

thinkers they’re you know

deep thinkers

open to fucking new ideas a concert consider

things anything but closed

minded are good comedians yeah

and you know what

it’s one of the most important

things if you want to have a fun life

you know you

gotta surround yourself with

other people

that are asking questions too and honest ones

so that when the when you know like

like here’s a good

perfect example

me and my buddy

jimmy to tilly oh

i was i think i was

eighteen and he was nineteen and we got a ouija board

and we’re like

do you believe in this shit man i’m like i don’t know

we were totally terrified yeah

let’s go fucking get one eighteen

yeah that’s what i was already laughing

about was that i’m

not i’m not

proud of it but i’m telling the truth

my favorite part of that story

so we went and we got this fucking ouija

board and he’s like i’m not

gonna move it i’ll tell you what if it’s moving it’s

cause either you’re moving or

ghosts are moving it

i’m not fucking moving it either if it’s moving

it’s just ghost

removing okay deal deal we

shook hands

and then we sat down in his

apartment and we

started pushing

you know sitting this

thing down and

we kept our fingers on we did we sat there

for like 15 minutes we look at each

other we make eye

contact and go back and we’d ask some more questions

right try to be like real open minded

and then finally

we you know

he picked his

hands off it i picked my hands off he goes

fuck this fucking

stupid thing yeah he

threw it across the room we

started laughing

like i knew

he wasn’t gonna fuck with me

right right right

sure we figured

this shit out together

right okay together

this is horseshit

right right

right right no

cause i knew i

could trust him i knew that

the most important

thing ever to have

other people that are questioning shit

other people

trust so that

you don’t have to figure it all out on your own

right right

right and me and

jimmy got in a pillow

fight we’ve

wrestled around a little up and

grab his cock and

show them some

new submission

holds right

yeah it’s just like a double

wrist lock but it’s on your cock

yeah that’s

no no didn’t do any of that but

that’s our lesson for the day

folks yes just

about 85 000 suck my cock jokes in

today’s episode

is that a new this

is an episode

where i said i was

gonna stop saying faggot

i know i know

completely gay so appropriate

um we wanna

thank the flashlight

once again for

sponsoring our podcast i like

to thank the hell out of

flashlight if you know i’m get you one of

these i’m get

you one i got something

i got some laying around son

i’m gonna give you

i will report back i’ll give you one in blue bitches

look at this one

it’s not avatar

it’s not avatar

is that the

alien one yes

alien it’s but don’t

don’t be confused cause

even though it looks like it’d be from avatar that

would be some sort of a copyright

infringement

oh is there an avatar

oh yeah okay no

there isn’t

but you can’t just go sell an avatar pussies man

that’s not cool it’s not like public domain

it’s a new movie man can’t just

but somehow know that they’re getting away with this

it’s probably because homeboy

doesn’t know

yeah you know totally or

as soon as he finds out that’s a cease and desist

cameron right away he’s got so much

money maybe he’s not

gonna give a fuck

maybe he just wants to fuck this

he’s happy that they made it and he’s just

gonna pretend he

doesn’t know it

exists have his lawyers

send me one of

those whole

house full of them he’s got a room and swing

i really hope it

becomes a smurf pussy

soon when the

smurf movie comes out is there a

smurf movie yeah maybe like

when is that coming up

smurfette two thousand i think

beginning of the year

what’s his name is playing gargamel to its

hank is area

is he a human guard yeah yeah yeah it’s a

human action

movie with 3d

cgi they’re all blue

yeah oh wow

interesting when is that coming out i don’t know it’s

under really tight wraps like

they wouldn’t let any pictures out of it or

somebody got a picture of hank is there i smurfed

calm there’s more info i’m just waiting for cowboys and

aliens that’s what i’m waiting for man

i am a big cowboy movie fan and i’m a big

alien movie fan and thank god someone

decided to mix those two together yeah right

dude when i went back home like to indianapolis

like i don’t know like a few months ago and shit

and my cousins

bunch of my

cousins were there and like dude yeah you’re you know

wrote joe rogan

right i’m like yeah they like listen to podcast all the

stuff they like

you ever hear him talk

about aliens

bro i fucking

laugh for fifteen straight minutes

like no never i’ve

never heard joe rogan once mentioned

aliens does he talk

about that or i’ve never

heard that’s so strange

people who are into

aliens man it’s like being into kiss

it’s like the wood they’re into it

alien army their fans

you know it’s like

people were into

ghosts it’s the same shit they’re fans of ghosts

fans of the idea of ghosts

i think one’s a little more realistic than

which one’s more realistic

ghost or kid

kiss no i’m talking about kiss

and on that note ladies and gentlemen

if you want to email

tebe or send him some twitter love it’s

it’s what is your twitter it’s a at the teb t h e

t e eb at the teb t h e

teb teb teb

as in jason tebow so

get at him on twitter yo you know you want to be

following this funny motherfucker he’s got

shows all around town follow me faggot

and you could catch him where you at next

this tuesday me and tripoli

sam tripoli

another funny comic are both gonna be co headlining at

velvet jones and

santa barbara so if you’re up there come to that

doesn’t he have a and

our next naughty

show is december 9th at the hollywood improv

we have shit

nick schwartz and freddie lockhart

taylor vixen’s

gonna be there

taylor dixon

right ben why don’t you tell us

who’s that brian today’s

but yeah that’s december ninth

december ninth

at the hollywood improv is the next naughty show

all right so that’s it the team at twitter

facebook how to get a hold you on facebook

jason tebow on facebook

and spell that shit it’s a

j a y foreign

it’s extremely foreign j a y

j a y s o n

jason with a y

and tebow thi

b a u l t that is not t bone

and it’s thybald it looks like

thybald it’s a french canadian nightmare so thi b a

u l t you got it so

you motherfuckers have no excuses

oh that’s it um

big new year show and i’m

gonna keep talking

about this thing

cause like i said we

gotta sell this

place out me and joe diaz at

mandalay bay the day before the

ufc january

new year’s 31st

december 31st december 31st december 31st

and then january 1st is the

the ufc obviously it’s new year’s it’s december

31st you fucking dummy

stop talking stupid

that’s it i’m

gonna stop talking this is the end of the podcast last

night i love you bitches

power to the

flashlight go to joerogane

net and there’s a link if you

click on it you get 15

off use the code word rogan

holla at ya boy

and we’ll see you guys next week oh

jason mayhem miller’s

joining us next week oh shit oh shit mayhem we’re

gonna have a special one that will be on monday

and then on tuesday i’m doing tom green’s

podcast at the smod

castle in santa

monica details to follow bitches

thank you very much for tuning in

and as we said in the past and i’m

gonna say this

again because it

rang true with people you are not the past god damn it

you are not your mistakes

you are what you’ve

learned and who you can be

move forward

with prosperity and power

and honesty

and black dicks

and black dicks

you suck cocksuckers big dicks

yes is bad for your health

facebook twitter

twitter find me on friendsta stay black

why we ended with this gay music brian i know

don’t text me cocksucker and don’t say faggot don’t say

nice

h i v

i know

haha kill his two face

aids

h i v