no sound is this song

jesus fucking christ

i should have known i couldn’t hear myself

well it’s record on here so the replays

the replays will have it nobody wants to

watch the replays god damn it

what is recap what a

hilarious clusterfuck

we’re gonna

meet that meet the audio

why am i beating the audio

because you hear me

let’s recap what we were talking about

well i’m very upset here

i just said some

genius shit probably

the most profound shit i’ve ever said in my life

anyway what

i said in the beginning the very beginning was that

i’m excited to do these

you stream broadcasts and i’m

excited that i decided to do it because

i like doing

radio interviews

i like doing tv interviews and that’s all fun

magazine stuff is fun but

it’s way cool to just be able to

talk to people and answer people’s questions directly

you know and it’s

it’s easy to get a weird

impression of someone you know seeing someone on

television you know

television represents you to a certain extent

you know it’s like a lot of

these guys in the reality shows they get

upset like television

doesn’t you know

it represents

you in little snippets and cuts you up you know

but the best way

to communicate with people for sure is the internet and

twitter and ustream

so combining the two of them together

what we’re doing is

we’re gonna i’m

gonna do this

every week the

thing behind me

while this bullshit behind me

that’s all gonna get

cleared out and we’re

gonna put up a

green screen so we

could have like

space behind us and shit

and we’re gonna have this

thing set up

at a little bit more natural

angle so you like looking

right at us

which makes more

sense right yeah you put it anywhere you want

to put right there

is that better you say i put it

right in the middle yeah yeah

move this motherfucker

this is the

i upgraded my internet i had some old ass dsl

it was pretty wack

and i got rid of it

today actually

totally had got it set up is this work now

yeah much better so

the the dsl’s gone and now i got cable and

cables fast as fuck so we’re gonna be able to air

videos and shit while it’s going on and

my mom designed my office purple shades bro what’s

wrong with purple it’s a beautiful color

you don’t like that color

it should be fucking

black dude with

skulls like your fucking shirt bro

there’s nothing

wrong with purple my friend it’s a beautiful

color and there’s brian see brian in the corner there

brian is actually right next to me

but he’s getting face fucked by that advertisement

you’re gonna get face fucked you

should move yourself up

hi i’m over here now can you move yourself up

right next to me

there we go that’s better because you’re not

gonna get fucked by that uh

no don’t go all the way up there right there no

right in the middle move over towards my head more

go this way

no this way nice

that’s brian brian’s

right next to me

anyway we’re just talking

about the internet

being an awesome it’s the fucking coolest

thing ever i mean to be able

to communicate with people directly like this to

be able to get the answers to any question at any time

to me it’s the

greatest fucking

thing in the world i

spend most of my day staring at a screen

reading stories

watching fucking youtube videos and

i swear i’ve

learned more

from the internet

more from just being on message

boards than i ever have

from you know

from other shit i’ve got into

all sorts of different subjects because of message

boards you know and

wound up you know

being fans of

musicians and comedians and

people i would have never

heard of it wasn’t for message boards

it’s like a

whole online

party i meet more people

online than i do in real life now fuck

yeah and i don’t just live in my

house i go out a lot

but it’s just more people interested in the same

things i like you

get to know them better on the internet

yeah well the internet

allows you when someone posts for a long time

especially a message

board community

you get to see how they interact with

other people you get to see what happens when you know

they’re challenged on

their ideas you get to see what

they’re made of you know it’s really interesting yeah

you would the way people

write is different than the way they talk

because people can

think they’re

slick and they

could try to bullshit you by really patiently

scribing out

their words but

they’re not

tricking you eventually eventually

that shit just comes out because they don’t realize

how douchey they are they don’t realize they

think they’re not douchey

but in your writing the douchey always comes out

it’s like this is your

expression is almost like a

printout of you

it’s like it’s

like you know like your dna or something like that

yeah you know

what i mean and plus google helps too because then you

catch a lot of people

oh yeah you know like

it’s the best

it’s the best

catch people wait

what are you talking

about check out these

photos yeah and

people love to talk shit

people love to pretend that they know things

nobody wants to pretend that they’re fucking clueless

you know everybody

wants to be the wizard everybody wants to be the

smartest man in the world

you know nobody can

just be a person you know it’s really interesting man

it’s real it’s real interesting

but people love to talk shit

and for the longest time they just got away with it

for the longest time

people can bullshit or get a text message from someone

just jump just coming in

from chandra

are you with joe so any chance of doing a

miami interview

tell that bitch

we’re doing a podcast

she should know

three to five is podcast

i say bitch with the highest

level of affection

it’s all just and fun

ladies and gentlemen so

what do we got here

see check out so have you seen any of the

photos or videos of the hurricane damage

you mean the earthquake in haiti

earthquake yeah no i haven’t seen that man heard

the cnn thing that i got on my phone

i get breaking important news stories on my phone

the last one i got before this one was that

simon cowell’s quitting american idol

mike you motherfucker

that’s awful news is it

awful news dude if you watch american idol

that’s the only point

reason to watch it is watch

simon bash people the things that he says i think

really yeah right now

what about ryan seacrest and his

beautiful hair

was he saying some brutal shit dude

genius yeah

he’s hilarious he’s one of the best

really okay i need to watch him

often i don’t have a good opinion of him

my my opinion of them is that is always mean to

these people that are trying hard to like and they suck

you know like you can’t

i mean i guess you can be mean but you know why

do it they’re all fucked in the head you know i mean i

think it’s kind of

funny but that guy puts out a lot of negative energy

well he’s just

blatantly honest

he’s like yeah he is blatantly

mean about it isn’t he

he’s not really mean he’s just so honest that it’s mean

you know what i mean like he’s really

interesting

what he says because like you’ll say oh he’s dead

right too he’s

dead right dead

right dead right hundred percent of the time yeah

i’ve only watched it like

literally twice

and one that i can remember

when i was so hot i don’t even know what

happened yeah but one i can remember and it was just

painfully you know

clueless people

who are just

trying to be like the shit you know and they get

out there and they don’t even know that they have no

talent whatsoever

right but i know so many people like that from

stand up comedy

you know we all know

dudes from stand up comedy who

never feel like they’re bombing

that you know

in the beginning i mean you’ve done open mike

nights you know what it’s like

there’s some people in open mike

night communities that are crazy

and they really

think they’re good

and they would love to

have an opportunity to do something like american idol

for stand up they

would get up there and go fucking

crazy and be

upset and just like

those american idol people are

they get fucking mad

i’ve seen some people they they

leave that simon cowell dude

and start fucking crying and wailing and

and yelling at him you don’t know shit simon

you know they get fucking

angry man black

women especially

right yeah i don’t even know if

black one especially

see two fucking episodes

what am i talking about

i saw a couple of

black broads get mad though

i’m not a huge fan or anything but

every time i see an episode i’m just

bawling how hilarious

wow so he’s

gonna do his own show called the x factor he’s

basically yeah with

paula duel supposedly

and so he’s pretty much gonna

leave yeah why not have paula abdul are they

stupid like she’s incompetent

yeah that’s part of the fun man

you need to pill that

bitch up and just

prop her up just shove a

broom up her ass and push her forward and get her in

front of the camera let her talk crazy

that’s part of the fun of the show

right isn’t it

yeah i think so

the little youtube clips that i would get like

people sent me one occasionally

like the one where

she said your first song it was really cool but your

second song i didn’t like

and they were like

he only just sang one song

like she’s so fucking

whacked out of it well you know why

right she was in a car accident

right right

and they’re

like real supposed if it’s like real pain right

oh well you know what happens man

you that’s what happened to karl parisian too

you know carprecian

got a real bad injury

and took pain pills really

yeah there the pain pills are a

motherfucker man i know a lot of

people that have had problems with pain pills you know

people with

anything sort

of a chronic problem will you have to take them

you know those

motherfuckers they’ll grab a hold of you

and it’s not just

you know the

weak or you know people like that the people have a

weird opinion of

people that get hooked on drugs

you know but i’ve met some

carl persians

you know i don’t know i don’t know

i’m just saying

i shouldn’t say carl because i don’t

think carl has a problem with him i

think carl has

some sort of an anxiety disorder

but i know that he had to take him

and it’s hard once you take him to get rid of him

i know a bunch of dudes that like need them

you know like people that have like

any sort of a back injury

debilitating back injury and that you get hooked on

those bitches and they get you through

the day i know a lot of people that just need that man

you know they need them

it’s just terrible and but what i was saying is

the the dudes that i know

that have had problems with pain pills a lot of them

like really

smart guys that went to college and they’re not

idiots you know why do you have that

thing in front of my face

i’m moving it

i’m just gonna show you this

video in a second

okay man but you can’t do that

it’s only been a second

i’ve seen this

i know i was gonna talk

about it okay but why do you have it in

front of my fucking face

i like looking at myself calm down

well nobody knows what the fuck you’re doing yeah

who cares it’s

a fucking webcast dude this is serious business

that’s great thing

i totally forgot what i was even talking about

what was i talking about

actually i was doing this you

motherfucker

you stupid bullshit tell me

ladies and gentlemen what the fuck was i just talking

about huh pretty crazy

about that dog though and i heard

that video huh

the dog in the

video that yeah

there was a dog that knew

about the earthquake before the people do

that’s cause people hear shit they don’t pay attention

the dog heard something’s probably what the fuck

and the person

was like what the fuck is that shit he didn’t

react and then it had

cause it was only like a

second before it there’s that

video right here

watch the dog it just

freaked out and ran i mean but it was a

while before even anything shook

alright let’s see it

again rewind it

here’s the dog

dogs chilling

dogs like what the fuck is that noise

okay we don’t know that that dude didn’t

react this is a

stupid video no

no no but this is the problem the dog took off running

but the guy you don’t see his face

the guy might have went oh shit what the fuck

and everybody is making it like the dog

heard this before anybody else i

think he felt something

because if you look at it but nothing’s moving at all

right but sometimes you hear

things before the earthquake

well you know that’s true

you know it

doesn’t really

start moving

until let me see again

yeah you’re right you’re right shit moving

maybe it made a sound yeah you’re right nothing around

and if there was a sound right a real rumble right

still see something

monitor or something

so the dogs like two seconds more than a person

but guess what we got thumbs faggot

go chase you down tail and sleep in dirt

all right what else were we talking

about folks we were talking

about some important shit and i forgot

about god damn

we got a lot of twitter must just coming in this bitch

that mark mcguire

thing that thing is hilarious

mark maguire is finally coming out and saying

that’s what we’re talking

about we’re talking

about people that are hooked on pain pills

right you know

when dudes get hooked

on pain pills like i said i know a guy who’s a very

smart guy he was an it

guy went to you know

went to college

really avid reader

not a fuck up

has a real problem

and that’s just what it is man

dudes dudes get injured something happens to you and

it just it chemically

bonds with your body i mean

it’s really incredible with it what addiction is

you know addiction is your body is somehow another

linked to something that’s really terrible for it

and it needs that something like it becomes

it’s almost like like heroin

and and crystal meth and

stuff like that that really locks a hold of your body

it’s almost like they’re parasites it’s almost like

the the drug

itself has a consciousness and the drug itself is

gonna make you

do it as much as you can and rob you of life

you know i mean

that’s one way to look at like horrible substances

that’s why when people talk

about drugs

you know and they like to lump all drugs in together

that’s so stupid

because marijuana

and mushrooms and

psychedelic drugs if done correctly

can be very

beneficial and

when they’re

over you don’t feel any repercussions you’re okay

they don’t hurt you

marijuana and

mushrooms and

things like that the natural

things that

people have been doing for tens of thousands of years

those things aren’t hurting anybody man

and they can’t get into your system

and if you lump them in with

oxycodones and fucking heroin and crystal meth

that’s ridiculous

no one is becoming a more

introspective fascinating person on crystal meth

they’re becoming fucking

crazy it’s like

we have to like look at drugs

in terms of what they do to the people that take them

and the things that do positive

things you can’t ignore that

just because they’re a drug

you’re not allowed to just say

oh because it’s an illegal drug

then all the benefits that people talk

about it those don’t

count they’re invalid

just because it’s not

sanctioned by a

group of fucking criminals

that’s ridiculous it

doesn’t make any

sense at all

and you know i’ve

lived my whole life like this

i mean it’s

2010 i would have thought by now

we would have come to some sort of a rational

understanding as

human beings

as we got to be

adults i thought we

would come to a

point where we

would sit back

and we would look at

things and go

what right do i

to tell another person

what to do or not to do

as long as he’s not trying to give it to

minors or people that don’t know any better

as long as people are educated let’s

spend money on programs

and make sure that people

don’t get involved in anything fucked up like this

and let’s pay attention to fucking children

schools i mean

the biggest problem this country isn’t laws and

crime the biggest problem is why are people creating

crime why are people doing

these terrible

things to each

other and 99 99

of all fucked up

things become out of a fucked up childhood

you have kids who have

either shitty fucking parents and

in the these fucking

children they grow up and they’re ticking time bombs

if you have a douchebag fucked up drug addict parent

and you live in a fucked up

place with no love

and every day you just see violence and shit and

screaming and

addiction and

sorrow and there’s no way out you don’t see shit

you don’t do well in

school i mean

what the fuck you know that is a ticking time bomb

and for politicians to not address that and to

spend all this

fucking time flying over to afghanistan trying to

chase down a hundred taliban

fighters in the mountains and

young people are

dying over there for that

how about we

spend that money attacking the fucking

enemy at home

the enemy at home is

horrible fucking childhoods

that some of our fellow

human beings

in this country

have to go through

you know what we really need to do is

focus on fucking kids

focus on children

that are growing up in terrible neighborhoods

focus on fucking

schools and community centers and giving these

kids somewhere to go to when

their parents suck

you know focus on a

bunch of people that want to help

raise kids that come from terrible situations or

help the parents

understand what

the fuck they’re doing raising children and making

these kids fucking psychos and

giving them horrible

childhoods you know and

literally setting

loose a bomb

setting lose someone who’s eventually

gonna turn all

their inward

anger outward another people all

their pain and resentment and all the negative

input coming into them as a child

you know that shit is fucking terrible

you deal with a

child that comes

from a positive loving environment and you’re

gonna deal with a cool

human being

that’s human beings

gonna come out of that and

gonna appreciate

other people

that’s our number one problem

as human beings our number one problem as

human beings is the way we don’t

appreciate each other

the way we look at each

other is competition

the way we look at each

other is just

people that are on the highway in my fucking way

human beings have to

learn to appreciate each other

and we need to

learn how to

deal with the fucking very obvious shit that we ignore

instead of pretending there’s some

incredible assault on the

human race here in america

you know maybe we

should look on

where this is the real

crime coming from

where are the real murders coming from

where’s the real

anger and violence

and the shit that affects day to day people

every day it’s not in the fucking desert okay

it’s not in

the fucking mountains of afghanistan it’s in cities

it’s all over the place

it’s it’s children growing up and

becoming fucking criminals that’s way scarier to me

than some douchebag in afghanistan

you know it’s it’s nonsense

yeah someone

said carl and pills yeah that’s something carl’s

training partner said

but like i said i don’t know if it’s true

all i know is that he’s

he’s always been a cool dude to me carl

parisien is a

great fighter

and he’s got some unfortunate situations and i hope he

works him out i like that dude i like that dude a lot

he’s good people

and he’s a bad

motherfucker

one of the best judo

guys to ever enter

mma you know he

he opened people’s

eyes to a lot of shit that was possible

because before karl

nobody was hitting like

those beautiful fucking

throws he hits

these beautiful

shoulder throws and hip throws and

his his judo

like back when

he fought like dave strasser like when was

first ufc bounce

incredible judo

you know and it’s that’s a

whenever you get a guy who steps into mma

and has some totally

something that

he’s really really good at that most people aren’t

like like machida with karate

like people thought well karate is not that good karate

doesn’t really work

until machida came along

and machida

so good at karate

that he makes karate

work in mma

you know obviously he knows

wrestling and obviously he knows all the other

stuff that goes with mma

which is why he’s such a champion

but the bottom line is his karate

his ability to move backward i mean he

fights like a fucking john claude van dam movie

and it’s pretty badass to watch

you know because

until the shogun fight

really didn’t take

hardly any damage

what do i think

about the united arab emirates

buying to zhufa

well i know that the guy who is behind it all is

chic tak moon of

abu dhabi and that guy is a huge

fan of mixed martial arts and he’s

incredibly incredibly wealthy so

you know that guy can he can do a lot of good

things for mma

that guy he is a brazilian jiu jitsu black belt

under henzo gracie

and by all accounts he’s legit

by all accounts he’s a really good black belt

and henzo is

one of the most respected instructors in the world

if henzo gracie gives you a

black belt that’s a huge honor

so that sheiktok

knew in the fact that he’s a henzo gracie black belt

i know he’s been having people

travel to abu dhabi for years for over a decade

since the late 90s

and he had some of the best instructors in the

world that would come and stay with him

and he had a

whole camp there and he’d

bring guys and have guys to

train with i mean

dude is just the jujutsu

fiend just i mean like more than

way more than me you know

like i mean think

about how much i love jujutsu

and this guy is like

you know he’s

just like he loves it and he has unlimited resources

so having a guy like that

as a business partner in the ufc i

think is gonna be

phenomenal for the

sport i don’t

think there’s any question

that guy is

gonna without a

doubt that guy’s

gonna help out

it’s gonna be

interesting to go there that dude lives in a castle

like a fucking

some old school

out you know

alibaba type shit right yeah

is he the one with all the paintings

no who is the guy that know

the chic has like

i think that that

royal family is

worth like some insane amount of

money like they’re one of the most

the richest people in the world

how about that if one of the richest people in the

world dude is a fucking

train killer

do i think talk to him

is gonna take an active role like dana

white i have no idea

all i do for the ufc is the commentary

you know i mean i talk to

those guys they’re my friends but

obviously have no no

influence whatsoever on the business side of

things it’s just my job to

call to action it’s a really pretty fucking

crazy gig you know

you know for me it’s like a perfect job because i’m a

huge fan of

mixed martial arts like for real like i’m not

i don’t watch

like when i watch the different shows like k1 or

sen goku or

you know dream or or

strike force or anything like that

when i watch

those shows i don’t watch those shows

for work i don’t i don’t you know i don’t get on the

underground and

mix martial arts com or

you know read all the bloody

elbow read all

these different websites and do it just for fun

i would have done it even if

i would have done it

even if it wasn’t my job

i’m just a huge fan like

professionally

and i’m very lucky

you know it’s pretty

crazy gig man

it’s a lot of fun

it’s cool too because

we get to go to the

fights and you know be there live and be

right in front of the

cage i mean it’s just like there’s nothing like that

what do you think of the last ufc

some good fights man

did you see it

that evan dunham dude how badass is that guy

and he got tagged in the first round

the first round

you know f frame was all over him

and then evan dunham

survived and pulled off that that fucking

armbar was so badass

the way he did it was like it was so wicked did he

break his arm at all

no he did not break his arm he fucked up his tendons

so lucky for him you know

it was a the problem is man if

the way that arm bar happened

see how his arm like he was bending it

completely at the joint

the scary kind is the way frank muir

broke tim sylvia’s arm

because he actually

broke the middle of the forearm he

broke the forearm in half

that’s the scary shit that takes forever to heal

and it’s usually not the same

i like i don’t think you know i think you

break your arm like that man like that’s a serious

fucking fracture

like in the middle i think if you bust up a joint

they can put that together a little bit easier

you know fake arms and now by now you like

metal arms or bones or something

i don’t think they can

i think they they do hips

and they do knees but once you get a knee

that’s a wrap

you ain’t doing no jiu jitsu yeah

well this dude named connor connor hume

he’s one of

eddie’s top students

a real high

level wrestler

and his dad was a

wrestler and his dad got a hip replacement

and his dad

still does jiu jitsu and

fights in tournaments and dudes like 50

it’s incredible

you know but

he has a hip replacement but he’s a fucking psycho

he’s a stud

you know the average

person you get a hip replacement and that’s a rap

you know remember

that dude from the sopranos used to walk fucked up

the fat guy who turned out you know he’s gay and the

sopranos and he had that weird walk

do you remember that guy

what was his name um

i don’t remember

that guy’s character how did he die i can’t remember

so they killed him

remember he was gay

right how how did

they murdered him i

think they’d shoved like a fucking

a broomstick up his ass or a plunger

remember pq

that’s right a

pulq of his ass

yeah that’s

right because he was selling a line of pool cues

after that the dude

tried to sell a line of pool cues

a cue to die for

it was like the bottom

break it was like a

break stick

that was ridiculous but sopranos told him to

knock it off

how hilarious is that as a dude it’s a

marketing sense

i got killed a pool cue

all show down those

motherfuckers and they

sell pool cues

sells pool cues

because they killed him with one of the sopranos

greatest show of all time

right yeah oh i miss it

even though it kind of got slow near the end but i

still missed

you know i got into battlestar galactica

for a while i liked that up

until the last

season but the last

season i just didn’t give a shit

about lost is the only

thing that really got me

like this season i’m

still really pumped up to see what the fuck is

going on because i

watched lost i didn’t

watch it at all for like the

first whatever

seasons there were

the first three or four

seasons whatever it is

how many seasons have they done uh

seven have they really

well i watched all of them from the beginning

to the end all of them on dvd

which is the shit

if you’ve managed to

avoid like already did that with the sopranos

he didn’t leave his fucking house

already stayed home for like weeks

and just watch the sopranos dvds

watch the whole series

to the end have you ever done that no

only with lost

but i caught up

to the ones that were on the dvr last year

i did like the

first three

seasons the sopranos that way

oh yeah two

seasons of us

dexter i did that way too

whole first season

but dexter’s another one

last year i was like yeah

this year rather as soon as i

started watching i was like

i’m not in this anymore

i watch some dude killing people

yeah after a

while i’m like okay

where are we

gonna go with this

you know you

gonna keep getting away with this

i’m gonna keep seeing you kill the bad guy

every week really

come on man this is silly

did you see that

breakdancing robot

yes i did how awesome

how about that fuck

robot that they created

did you see that yeah that’s

gross did you see

jimmy kimmel last

night no i didn’t see it he was

dressed up as jade

i heard it was hilarious oh

they were talking

about how stern

here i’ll show you

right now oh we’re

gonna see this

jimmy kimmel

dressed up as

as jay leno

the fucking wars the war

the war for late

night listen fuck late night

the internet is

where it’s at

ladies and gentlemen

this is the real

connection to

human beings these

silly shows

where you sit down and

you know ask

some fucking 16 year old kid what our new cd is

you know hey so i

understand you got a new show out oh

that’s terrific

who gives a fuck

about all that

stuff it’s just

you’re just on their

other there’s just people on

their pimpin things

people pimpin

movies and occasionally

someone gets

their dick sucked by some

crazy cooker something like the hugh

grant interview

and you get an interesting interview

or the other dude that

the what’s his name

joaquin phoenix

that showed up all fucked up

what happened to him is he

still fucking

crazy i don’t know but letterman is the best for

taking advantage of

those situations

yeah joaquin

phoenix either was playing a character he

might have been just doing it for a goof

you know i can

see him doing some people are saying it’s real

there’s just gone just he’s

completely gone

it’s not hard to do

if you were

a person who wanted to be famous

and you know your

whole life you’ve wanted to be famous and

you have this need this

hyper need for attention and then all of a

sudden it happens to you

like holy shit

you know i’m

lucky that the kind of fame that i got

like always was

especially the fear factor

fame was like

ridiculous fame

you know like no one’s kissing your ass for fear factor

yeah you know people come up to you from fear factor

like what the fuck dude

and i was like yeah i know

what the fuck

but it’s not like they love

you know if you’re

like an actor or something like that and you’re in some

crazy movies like that guy

is the kind of adulation that guy must get is insane

you know and if it was already

crazy to begin with

that just when when

crazy people

all of a sudden have money

and people kissing

their ass you know

crazy people are supposed to be like suppressed

i just put the

crazy people you supposed to see them

but hey fuck

head you’re

crazy but that

doesn’t work

like on the tv show or a movie

because once you become crazy

it doesn’t matter if you’re a star they let you be

crazy so you’re just fucking hog wild and

doing blow and

punching people and

they try to

protect you as much as possible because you’re the

goose that lays the golden egg

and that’s what happens

to a lot of actors that’s why they get fucking nutty

so what is this video here

wait jay leno

okay this is

jimmy kimmel

from last night i

guess he was making fun of jay

leno dude not only

was he making fun of he even did bad jokes let’s see it

and they can hear us too while this is playing yeah

i gotta watch it over here because this

stupid thing is on a delay look how much the delay is

video and video is tight sir

you are correct chad sparks

oh wow this is hilarious he’s got makeup on and

everything oh my god

he’s the best in my opinion

i know and let it here bobby

known that i’m taking over all the shows in late night

give me music great to be here on abc

oh my god hey cleto you know what abc stands for

i know man i don’t always bump conan

conan o’brien today announced he is leaving nbc

release the statement

today that says i won’t participate in the destruction

of the tonight show

fortunately though i will

oh no

jimmy kimmel tonight he’s gone

jimmy not here anymore

don’t worry jim you’ll

be fine i hear he picked up an endorsement deal with

jenny craig

oh god here and here’s him with chevy chase

let’s let’s let’s just talk to people all right

why don’t we keep playing videos

what is this one this is made headlines headline

okay we find a headline from the paper and then

we prevent them to you viewer and our first headline

i like the list behind

me here vehicles may and drunken driving

yes and cigarettes man lung cancer

oh my god he’s killing him he does four of them

i should show you this one this is um here we go

human service worker

i wonder they usually hire robot service workers

oh my god oh my god he’s murdering them

i like that first

free ear piercing

with the repair of your formula free ear piercing

isn’t that what got you in trouble in the first place

this is last okay last at first just for real

oh my god

maltese beautiful flowy and very very cuddly flowy

named after the famous pilot flowy flownberger oh no

wow that was brutal

we’re on like a 15 second delay

yeah is that in case we commit suicide yeah

it’s just probably

what i’m doing over here it takes like 15

seconds to see what’s happening over there

so if like you’re watching someone

and a video and a werewolf is like standing over them

by the time you see that that motherfucker’s dead okay

people try to joe behind you yeah

that werewolf

fuck that dude up a long time ago

there’s a big ass delay here i wonder if like

you know there’s someone

watching all the controversial

u stream ones

and they don’t have a delay

and they’re like

right there

with a finger on the button if you do something nutty

cause then the guy commits suicide on on a web web show

a guy committed to a tv

all on time

they could kill themselves

yeah all the time now i’ve

heard like at

least two people i think

well that’s not all the time that’s a hoax

two is not too

big you know when

the community’s not you know what we

gotta do man we

gotta do headphones

that way we

could listen to ourselves and make sure that the

sound is good and i’m

watching the

sound makers now

i’m watching them now what happens you

watching meters

yeah you crazy

motherfucker

i’m glad we got this

microphone too this is a perfect

microphone right

cause it picks up

everything totally

you could probably

press pause and then refresh your

browser if you

wanna and then double

catch up yeah

really you think so

oh you’re right you

motherfucker

the mark gaden

wow that’s mark hayden

do you know

who mark hayden is yeah it’s one of the best

comics ever i don’t

think it’s real anymore come on man that’s him man

dude he’s been saying some

crazy shit i guess

he’s one of england’s

the pride of england

he’s pretty funny

it’s not funny well

funny looking haha

he’s um you don’t

think he’s genius

huh you don’t get it i don’t get

it you don’t get the material

i just think that

i can’t understand a word he says

hey oh look

check this guy

david galway

g o e w e y

says i’m up at 3 48 am

in abu dhabi

now answer some questions joe

will fuck yeah dude

i’ll ask some questions you’re up at

four o’clock in the morning and you live in abu dhabi

i got some questions for you sir

what’s it like over there man

i hear that’s

all like fucking everybody’s got a ferrari

it’s like like one of the richest

places in the world

i’ve heard it’s fucking crazy

is that true

institution real

legal there

i don’t think prostitution is but i

think if you’re like you know

some sort of a baller character i mean i

think they just ignore it i mean the way it happens in

dubai is like all the hookers just go there

they just know

all the rich guys are that rich guys go to dubai

so the hookers just come from

everywhere i

think they just ignore it

you know i don’t know though i don’t

think it’s legal

is there any questions on your message

board but i don’t i’ve

never been either

we’ll go to the message board

shortly but

i want to i want to see what this guy has to say

it is sweet he says

david would

david you just

chilling in abu

dhabi what do

you do out there man what do you do for a living

in abu dhabi

do you have a ferrari do they give you one

you get your driver’s license they hand you a ferrari

would you like the yellow or the red ferraris

you can get a black one too if you know some money yeah

all right i’m gonna go to some questions here

let’s do two girls one cup

video and video this guy says

yeah i was thinking about

has anybody not seen two girls one cup though

i was really gonna shit a horse one

oh do you guys

wanna see mr hands we can’t do that

we can’t do that we can’t do that

that would be us broadcasting

of abc okay but then we can’t show the shit eating one

either can we no we can’t do anything like that oh okay

be automatically banned

all right listen

folks this is

gonna we’re

gonna do this for a little bit but eventually we’re

gonna move over to my website so i

could show you guys getting fucked

death by horses

and people eating shit

i did not know that i was not able to show

those type of videos

well this is not gonna last

they let us say whatever they want

whatever we want but we can’t show you whatever we want

which i don’t

think it’s gonna

any of the stream websites you won’t be able to

okay well we’re

gonna have to talk to you

stream see if we

could go and say

yes to that no

no one will

yeah because even if you say like if you

click on something saying that you’re 18 and over

we don’t have that now do we

do we have that now

where they have to

click on something that says they’re 18 and over we

should have that i

think that’s possible i think

the eastern people probably put that on there

well they should

definitely do

that i don’t want any little kids getting any shitty

ideas i don’t want to have to explain anything to you

it’s not that

i’m just telling you anything that’s not correct

it’s just that i don’t want to have to

sit down with you and go over the way the

world really works it’s too much work god damn it

this guy says alexander road says he

heard his ferraris just abandoned in the

street that’s what i’m talking about man

those motherfuckers

got money it’s like what is that 2007

they just pee on it

throw the keys aside

they give them away at goodwill

and razor phones

everywhere you’re mowing the lawn and there’s

razor phones just flying out hitting golf

back in the day

right i don’t think they have lawns man

our desert i would like to see them

maybe they do maybe they turn into

i think they’re gonna have an outdoor fight there

really i heard the place is really

scary the middle

east is a strange land man it’s a strange land

very different

yeah for the people that

want to see mr hands and want to know what i’m talking

about go to

two guys one horse

one dot com

two guys one

horse dot com

is the video that i wanted to show you but i can’t

because you

streamer a bunch of pussies i

guess they want to make money

they don’t want

advertisers

pulling out like they do with

tiger woods

poor poor poor

tiger woods that fella

i went to the airport and they

still have his posters up for accenture

one of the first companies that

dropped them

and one of the posters is

tiger looking like you know contemplating a shot

and it says something like

it’s what you do next that counts

i put it up on my

twitter page i’m like man how fucking telling is that

did he ever have a fucking

inkling of a clue

that that’s what was

gonna happen when he put that

picture out

and people are like people

freak out about the

tiger woods

thing like that he’s a terrible person he said

yes it’s not the best

thing to do i

agree but that guy is an un

handsome he’s

an unfortunate looking guy he’s very unfortunate

looking and

he’s a fucking billionaire

he’s like a

super super rich dude

i bet it was impossible

for him to say no to all his chicks

you know i mean if you

think i mean

obviously he was a

pussy hound

i mean there’s no getting away from that

but to be like that guy

you know and they have all these tens

and they’re chasing

you down and they don’t even care if you’re married

and they’ll fly to

other countries to hang out with you

holy shit you know

it’s like a rock star

he’s totally like a rock star

and it was like yeah well then you shouldn’t be

married i totally

agree i’m not defending him in any

way he’s more of a rock star most rock stars don’t have

their own beverage

they don’t have their own

clothing line

that dude’s fucking

crazy yeah people love that

stupid ass game

they love it

especially business people

if you want to get down with business you know

i’ve heard a lot of people say that if you want to be

successful in business that you

literally have to

learn golf like you

literally have to

learn it if you don’t

learn golf they hit refresh on the screen i

show you to see you can see what’s there

what’s going on what’s going on

it’s sad just

picture that picture you’re talking about tire woods

what’s wrong with this thing

i don’t know

i mean you stream you’re sucking it i would dummies i

would close your firefox and open up like in

safari or what chrome

maybe have too much shit open no

there goes i see

there goes the pictures up filing

see that’s much the much of a delay

so like i said

if you see a werewolf behind me and you hear that

believe me i’m already dead okay

just be kind to me on the message boards

people are brutal

about artie

lang man that was really sad to see

how many people were brutal

after artie

lang try to commit suicide

by calling them

people just like that suicide shit

right i know but it wasn’t just that

it was it was

they were they were insulting him like it didn’t matter

you know you know like that he’s weak and he’s a

piece of shit

like i said

about where i talked

about the people that i know that have

had problems with pain pills

it’s not like

you know the guy likes to jerk

off he jerks off too much like that guy you need to

smack him in the head what the fuck is

wrong with you

you lost your job because you jerk off five times a day

you know there’s dudes like that

they’re like they miss jobs they show up late for work

just cause they’re

like chronic master bears they wake up in the morning

they have to beat off they don’t beat off they’re

gonna go crazy

like they get

that’s a dude that’s got a problem that guys

he needs a smack in the head

people that are like compulsive

gamblers that’s a compulsion and that’s like

there’s a problem

and your pattern of thinking

there’s a problem in the way

and i’ve been compulsive

about many things in my life i

understand i

understand the

thinking behind it

but that can all be corrected

you just need to

learn how to

think correctly

there’s a big difference between that and like heroin

and oxycontin

and math and

people to get addicted to shit that shit’s real

that’s real

you know so to to get

to shit all

over someone because they’re addicted to a drug

man it ain’t

easy to kick that you don’t you know

unless you’re doing it

unless you’re deep in the

throws of heroin

you can’t talk shit

and if you have been and i haven’t

so i can say nothing but i’ve talked to people who have

i i had a friend who died from heroin

i i knew a couple people that died from heroin

and the one that i knew

he was he was a real real

smart guy he was he was a cool dude

he just couldn’t stop it

i don’t you know i don’t i

think some people bond to those

dangerous drugs and you’re fucked

so whatever happened with him

already laying was

every time i met that guy’s always been cool to me

and that’s that’s how i

judge people he’s always fun to be around friendly

jovial he’s

i think he’s hilarious

he’s just he’s a nice guy

you know and to me it just made me sad

and maybe just a sad that people were

willing to shit on this guy because he

tried to kill himself

but you are

right people get mad when people try to kill themselves

you know and

especially when

people have a much better life than them

you know i mean that was the argument that i

heard over and over

again about arty

like this fucking guy you

know what are his

problems he’s got a mercedes and you know he’s rich and

all true but that

doesn’t make you feel better unfortunately

you think it

would but it doesn’t

if your life sucks

your life sucks and

it really has nothing to do with you being rich or poor

rich can definitely help

things because you don’t have to

worry about your bills and you

have less problems you have a little bit less stress

but then you got problems with your

money and investments and people

stealing from you and bullshit you know

yeah you have problems all over the place

definitely better to have it than not but

the bottom line is just because you’re successful

doesn’t mean you’re

happy there’s

a lot of people that are fucking hardly hard

hardly depressed and they

they sit around

thinking what the fuck is the purpose of this life

you know and

the real problem is that’s a

good goddamn question what is the purpose of this life

if you’re not here for

other people

what are you here for

because realistically

you get to a certain

point in your life like artie and i are

basically the same age

i’m 42 and i believe he is too

and you know you get to a

point where

you’re like you get all this gray like i have gray hair

on my beard and on my balls i have like 20 gray hairs

gray hair is coming in here

i mean this is like you know

your body’s dying

so at a certain

point in time you

gotta go what

the fuck is the purpose of all this what am i here for

you know and if you don’t have like a relationship

you don’t have someone you love

you don’t have

really good friends that you love and you love to be

around you don’t have a family you don’t have children

you don’t have someone that you

mean something to and someone that you feed off of each

other and you

share energy and

you make them feel good and they make you feel good and

they miss you and you miss them

and that’s very very very very important for people

and people just

underestimate how huge that is

you know having friends and having family

and having like good quality people in your life and

not douchebags cut the douchebags out

that is so important because

nothing can fuck your life up more than people who

are not looking out for your best interest

and want you to fail because they’re fucked up you know

try to let them

aware of it let them be

aware of it

give them an opportunity to change and if they don’t

get rid of them cut them out of your life

so important

just separate yourself from anybody negative that’s

gonna fuck with you

that can make

such a huge difference in the quality of your life

you know and then of course

get the fuck away from drugs the bad ones

don’t fuck around with heroin

don’t fuck around

with math don’t fuck around with anything dangerous

if you’re gonna do something

do do things that people have

never died from

and make sure

you know what the fuck you’re doing before you do it

you know don’t go

crazy and smoke the

whole joint the first time

you know you’ll shit your

pants in paranoia

you’ll freak the fuck out

you’ll probably

never gonna get high again

the first time you ever get high you

should just get a little

tiny bit high just a little take a tiny bit of a hit

and get used to it you know okay

it’s like it’s like riding a surfboard

you can’t just hop on you’ll be awesome at it

you know the

feeling of being caught up in the wave of thc when

when when you get

really high it’s like you’re connecting to like

another frequency that

it’s not available to you when you’re sober

and that’s what people who don’t

smoke marijuana don’t

understand there’s an

awareness an

opening of your mind i mean i’ve had explained to me

chemically about

gaba and dopamine and all the different

things that go on there was a recent threat

about it on my message

board where people are talking about the

effect of it

but the bottom line is it does something to the way you

think and it opens up new

levels of awareness

and if you get too much of that

you’re gonna

freak the fuck out and that’s called being paranoid

but what paranoia

comes from is this is probably the first time

you’re recognizing reality

you know you’re

a very vulnerable person we all are life is is

you know it’s a transient

experience it’s gonna

it’s you’re

gonna pass from this to something else

maybe who knows

who knows what the fuck this is in the

first place

who knows what the

ultimate goal of the

human race is

in the first place

you you just live your life and go through it and

you put your

blinders on

and when you have a hit of some really good weed

those blinders just fall down around you

and you realize like wow

i’m this fragile

fleshy little temporary being

that’s clinging to this

spinning orb

as it’s flying through the galaxy

and people are sitting around talking

about john and

cade and and

and fucking

miley cyrus and nonsense

and while this is all

going on we’re hurling through the galaxy

and it literally is

never discussed you know and i have a bit

about it you can see it on youtube i think

somebody put it up

it’s from my

shiny happy

jihad cd it’s

about flying through

space but that’s what we are i mean

we’re just animals clinging to

a sphere in eternity

in this gigantic sea

of eternity

sea of space this

never ending

thing that we’re a part of but we

completely ignore

and we focus in the most

mundane bullshit

like tiger woods fucking all

these girls

you know and like what else what are the

other dumb shit that people been

focusing on lately in the news

i don’t know but i

think why people

focus on so much of it is because

you know they need something

it’s like kind of

watching the same

movie over and over

again you know you need constant new information and

stuff like that you know

like i understand what you’re saying like

about the whole

thing but i

think that’s why so many people

focus on the dumb shit because the the

it’s new shit you know that same

thing you think that yeah

that’s a good point

so like what you’re saying is that

the reason why people

focus on like

tiger woods and

stuff like that is just because it’s new information it

doesn’t matter

we’ve been in

space for so long and nothing happens

and you look

up you see stars blah blah blah shut the fuck up

right it’s like if having the same cell phone

would you have the same cell

phone for 10 years or

if tiger wood

cell phone came out

would you get the

tiger wood cell

phone that’s a good

point i think

brian’s on to something

i think i mean it makes

sense because

you know people are we do really we have this

push for new

things and innovation and it’s literally

built into our hard wiring

right which is why you can take a guy with the hottest

chick in the

world and he

doesn’t want to fuck her anymore

like you get

tired of fucking the hottest

chick in the

world and that really is true

you know that can happen yeah if you look at life the

wrong way and that’s one of the

other things that’s awesome

about weed if you

smoke weed and you fuck your

girlfriend like

if you don’t usually do that

it’s like you’re fucking a new person

it’s like you

appreciate her all for like who she is and what she

what she looks like you

appreciate it all over

again it’s really

weird man at

least for me

do you feel like that when you

smoke weed and

get with your lady yeah

when you smoke weed get with your lady

my lady doesn’t really

smoke weed so it’s not really that fun well mine can’t

right now because she’s pregnant with me bambino

so have you played with the nexus one yet

no i have not

you’re not a fan huh

nah not really

brian michael tech review ladies and gentlemen

the main problem is if you have something

like we both have iphones and you have facebook

and twitter and all

these applications

i’ve had droid why have an inferior version

yeah all of them in

the facebook on the

droid sucks the twitter on the droids not as good as

twitter to you know

everything is just

yeah i have the

blackberry and i have uber twitter on it

you know i use

i have an iphone but i really use it more of as like a

like a laptop that i keep in my pocket

that’s really what it is for me because

the bottom line with the iphone is it’s on at amp

t and at amp

t sucks when

when i’m talking to people on at

t i can guarantee is

going to cut out

three or four times before i get wherever the fuck i’m

going when i

driving my car

i love the fact that i can have both hands on a

steering wheel

and i can just talk

you know and i’m having conversations and i can

you know do business and answer questions and

catch up with old friends that i don’t have a chance to

catch up with

i love that man that seems

huge to me to me

that’s one of the most important features of

communication the ability to fucking talk to somebody

i don’t like text messaging just back and forth

after a while man you like

i wanna hear your fucking

voice you know

that’s the way

i like talking to people you know it’s fun

you know you can get

things out you feed off of each other

you know it’s a

volley you’re

going back and forth

so if your fucking

phone can’t make

phone calls

that’s weak

yeah that’s weak shit so

i use a blackberry with verizon

no one’s paying me to say this

but the reason why use a blackberry

it’s because we do

ufcs in the uk

and the only way you can get

a phone that works overseas you got to get a

world phone

because we have two different

systems here in america we have cdma

and gsm and gsm is

t mobile and at amp t

and cdma is

sprint and verizon

and there are two totally different types of signals

well in other

countries most

other countries don’t use the cdma

which verizon has

but it’s the best in america

in america it’s the shit

it’s way better i mean

when i drive to

jiu jitsu i

would lose people

three times with my at amp t phone

three fucking times

would drive me crazy

but my verizon

right there

it never drops off for a

second it’s so much better

but the bottom line is this shit is wack

this phone is like

an iphone from

20 fucking years ago that’s what it’s like

it’s like some cheap

knock off you know like some

third world country

you know where they make fake

watches and shit like that they try to

knock off cameras are pretty nice the

flashes are pretty nice yes

yes the cameras dope

the flash is very good

the video is excellent yes

threaded texting

the video is excellent

it’s not bad to type on

the typing this is the new one the

storm 2 the double

clicking is not bad

that one is

dropping the toilet

yeah it’s dropping the toilet

this was right next to my poo

let his job

yes totally

i was at the 9 30 club in washington dc

by the way i

had a good fucking time down there dc people

thank you very much for your hospitality

awesome awesome show i had a great time

but anyway i was at the

9 30 club this friday night

and i was pooing

my my pre performance poo poo

and i got up and this

phone cause i was called a

piece of shit commit

committed suicide and dove

from my pocket

into the shitty toilet it’s like i’ll show you who a

piece of shit is

trying to kill data i know what it’s doing

because it knows that i

haven’t backed up in a couple of weeks

i was trying to

i got some cool

pictures and

videos on here

and this motherfucker is trying to kill himself

and so i got it out and

shook it and

shook all the

water out but

i dried it with a hair dryer and the

bitch came back i mean

it’s it’s great

it works probably

tired of listening to your shit joe rogan

it’s terrible for anything else

when you try to go on the internet you want to

shoot yourself

you try to use

the twitter function on here it’s so clunky

and wack and typing is

much it’s okay to type like text

but when you have to type in numbers

you have to like really concentrate

this little tiny ass keyboard

where the numbers are and you’re always fucking up

like when i have to give someone if i’m

answering an

email and i have to give someone a dress or a

phone number

it takes five fucking minutes because i

barely can push down the

three i’m also i’m always getting the number

right next to it

it’s really weak and annoying

so the iphone is shit it’s just

so goddamn far above

every other

phone out there it’s not even

close if you’re thinking

about you want one

phone if you only had to choose between one phone

you gotta go

with the iphone but if you can afford to have two

phones the iphone is

great for like a little computer

to me it’s huge

for pictures and twitters and applications and

going i would probably wait

until after the

apple announcement in two weeks though

just in case if there’s a verizon iphone if there’s

a verizon iphone i’ll fucking jump for joy but i don’t

think there’s

gonna be one we

think that the verizon

thing what we’ve read online because we’re both

brian and i have

all tech retards

the late verizon

thing is probably

going to be some sort of a

tablet like a little

like an internet like a kindle

but you can get on the internet with it

which would be kind of interesting

like a netbook

with no keyboard

or just an oversized iphone pretty much have you

heard of aubrey de grey yeah he’s that guy he’s

a guy from england that is

a professor and a scientist who’s working hard on

life extension

he’s an interesting dude kind of a

kind of a real eccentric

character with

crazy long beard and

you know he’s

got all these

really complex theories on how to extend the

human lifetime like a thousand years

like the only way you would die is if you had you know

like got an accident or something or sickness

pretty fascinating shit

the problem is if people

live forever there’s not enough room for everybody

you know we’re trying to fuck with nature

you know nature has us in a cycle

and the cycle

is very simple

nobody lives more than like

120 years if you’re the baddest

motherfucker ever

you live to be a buck 20

and then you’re done

and the last few years you are a fragile mess

and you better not go anywhere

you know you could tie your

shoes and break your back in half

you know you could

fall down you know when you’re

going to wipe your ass and head

plant into the wall and be done

crack your neck paralyzed

shit all over the

floor i mean that

could be the end it’s

gonna be ugly you know you’re gonna be a human

roll a tissue paper that’s what you’re gonna be so

that’s the cycle of life

and you have children and those children

you pass on

your information and that’s what’s supposed to happen

we are in the active process of evolving

as a species

and there’s two

things that are

gonna aid that involvement or

evolvement rather

that evolution it’s

gonna be either

technology or it’s

gonna be what we

learn and what we pass on

and if you don’t

evolve and if

you don’t pass on something if your children don’t

evolve like this race

can’t exist

from just the people that are

alive now living forever okay

because people don’t change that much

they try they do

their best but the amount of people

that change over the amount of people that don’t change

i mean shit

how many people do you know that get

their shit together

that have gotten

their shit together they didn’t have it

you know how many people do you know

mmm not many not that many

most people who are a fucking mess stay a mess

and that’s not good

those aren’t good odds for a

whole race of

humans you know i

think that the best

bet for the

human race and we really care

about it as a whole

but we don’t

we care about

ourselves because we’re animals and because we have

these instincts and

these instincts are designed to make sure that we stay

alive and that’s just hard wiring even though

your logic and your reason

would dictate well

hey i’m only here for a temporary amount of time anyway

i need to look at this like

what is my purpose here what am i supposed to be doing

and what you’re supposed

to be doing is making it better for the next people

what you’re supposed to be doing

is making it as good as you can for the people here

and leaving an

impression so that

maybe you can enhance the minds and

open the eyes and set the tone

for the next people

you know if you meet a guy who’s like

i mean every time i’ve ever met someone who’s like

really fucking cool and really nice and really friendly

it’s always inspired me

to be cooler and nicer and friendlier it’s like it’s so

cool to meet people like that

but you know

when i was growing up in boston

i knew a lot of fucking

hard ass people i knew a lot of people that were just

always ready to insult you and always wanted to

fight and i know a lot of

and if you grow up around a lot of people like that

you become like that

it can make you like that you live in that environment

where everybody’s kind of douchey to each

other on occasion

you know like you go out to a bar in boston

your chances are you’re

gonna see a fight

you go to a

nightclub in boston do

still throw down

i mean it’s one of the few

places like

remember when we went to at

least do the

comedy connection in fanno hall

and after the show like two o’clock in the morning

that fucking

place would be alive

in the summertime

it was crackling it was crackling

like at any moment

you could see

a fucking brawl

break out where dudes

punch somebody and fucking

tables would

start flying

i mean it was a crazy

place yeah i

would hate to live there

yeah how many

fights we see there we saw so many

fights and so many

close fights

me and rem has gotten a

fight at mcdonald’s yeah

just waiting in line for

dudes are way more

aggressive in boston

than like say if you go out

and try to get something to eat in texas

you know people are

generally pretty fucking friendly

like everybody has this like

this stereotype of texas

but you’re way safer

going out to get some late

night food in texas like

especially like austin

shit austin’s badass

that’s one of the friendliest

fucking cities in the country

you know you want to go get something to

eat at 2 o’clock in the morning in austin you’re fine

you go get something

to eat at 2 o’clock in the morning in boston

you might see a fucking assault

you know you

might be a part of something you

gotta watch

where the fuck you’re going yeah

okay ladies and gentlemen we’re

gonna go to the questions

there’s got

to be something you’re not looking forward to

about fatherhood

well i’m already a father i love it

what you don’t look forward

to is you don’t look forward to the fact that you’re

going to lose a lot of your time

without a doubt you’re

gonna have to

spend if you don’t want to be a shitty parent

you know if you’ve had

a childhood that was less than perfect

which i think most of us have right

you learn from that and you’re supposed

to be a better person and a better parent from that

and once you have a fucking kid man

it’s like alright you have this

immense immense

responsibility

to raise a human being correctly

and you gotta get your own shit together you know

it forces you

and you’re gonna

definitely have to look at

things a little bit differently because you’re not

gonna have the same amount of free time

and you can’t look at yourself like you’re the only

thing you know that’s what i was talking

about before

with like a lot of people that i know that aren’t happy

one of the reasons why they’re not

happy is they don’t have people in

their life you know like that are really important

you know like i know dudes that are like

grown men that don’t even have like really really

close friends

they have like friends

but they like

keep shit from them and you know

sometimes they get in bad arguments with them and they

don’t have anybody that they really open up and are 100

honest with

which is really huge

you know if you

don’t have like a real friend that you can fucking tell

everything to

you gotta have

those in your life man

those are huge

when we’re all out

like when it’s me and brian and

eddie and joey and we’re all out bullshitting

we tell each

other basically everything

you know that’s

one of the fun

things about it

you know one of the fun

things about

hanging out with like people that you really like is

you know you get to see inside each

other’s fucking

the wiring under the board

you get to see how your

brain works you know you get to

throw out the way you’re

thinking and what’s

going on your life to them and see how

you know a person who’s not

living your life

but loves you and looks out for you and wants you to be

happy gets to look at it and see it

and that’s very important for people

because sometimes you can’t see your life objectively

sometimes you

need somebody in your life that that cares about you

and when people don’t

have that shit they don’t feel like they have that 100

honesty with someone

you’re disconnected to the universe

and that’s one

of the reasons why people get so depressed

you’re depressed because you don’t have all

this love in your life you have to have a lot of love

and you have to put it out there too

if you’re putting out shit you’re

gonna get shit back

and then you’re

gonna get into a downward

spiral that you’re

never gonna put out pull out of

you’re gonna have a shitty life

you’re putting

out bad energy it’s always coming back at you

you’re always

gonna be unlucky you’re always

gonna be unhappy it’s just the way it is

if you’re an asshole

you’re not gonna be

happy assholes they look like they’re

happy cause you see them laughing

they go home and cry and

drink or they’re

fucking psycho and they have no emotions whatsoever

me but no one is

happy being negative everybody wants to be loving

everybody wants to have

good friends and have a good fucking time so

this aubrey de grey guy you’re not

gonna live forever

bitch and you’re not supposed to

you’re supposed to

do what you can

to the people that you

influence and

touch in this life

and hope that it carries on to the next

and we all know this

we all know this inherently and

we all know inherently the people have done this to us

like i said we’ve all met people that inspired us

and i think that’s what we’re here for i

think that’s what

we’re supposed to do it’s just

are you playing shit

while i’m doing this

while i’m talking

what is this robot

why are you playing distracting shit

let me know

when you’re playing shit tell me what it is okay

it’s hard to read the questions off here man

any plans for a book yeah

i’m writing a book man but

the problem is i’m writing comedy at the same time and

i’m also writing

blog entries and i’m also trying to do all my

other bullshit so

it’s taking some time you know

it’s hard to sit down just

write a book

because i sit down and

write things and i just want to

write about one

thing that day and then

i like that’s one of the

things i like

about blogs

i could just

write it and

throw it up and bam there it is

but i’m always looking for new ways that people

could listen to

my shit get my ideas out there and get my

stuff out there and

come to see me doing

stand up and you know the different ways to do that

you know it’s like

book books are

legitimate ways they’re ways there’s

still a lot

of people that don’t even have any idea that i’m a

stand up comedian you know just because i like

stuff that i’ve done that’s not

funny like fear factor

and whatever and you know and then doing

commentary for the

ufc is the same

thing it’s like

there’s a lot of people that

really have no idea

that i’m even a comedian

so i try to like do the best i can to

use all the

different avenues to get that out there so i

think a book is

gonna help and also i

think it’d be cool to have something that i actually

wrote that’s a book

you know i just think

having a real book

in the bookstores something cool about that

book takes lots of concentration smoke more weed

that’s an excellent advice i almost always write stoned

you know and it might not make sense

and the problem is i like read it when i’m not

stoned i’m like what the fuck was i rambling about

when i’m high it’s all like

super genius shit

yeah i was talking about depression

brian’s playing a fucking robot video

trying to lighten the mood joe

we don’t need that man

is jason ellis the best radio show to go on

opie and anthony is the best radio show to go on

jason ellis is a close second

his show is fun as fuck

jason’s cool shit

he’s he’s hilarious too i love listening to him

he’s just he’s cocky and he’s

funny and i just

he’s a cool

dude i like him a lot i like that guy he’s fun

too many guys in boston wearing affliction t shirts

well there’s nice people that wear affliction

t shirts too sir

i goof on affliction t shirts all the time but

i wear their shit

i bought their jeans i bought their dragon jeans

those jeans are awful the

jeans are a little much

but i got some dope ass

these japanese samurai

ones from affliction those are the shit man

the whole the whole like

mythical i think it’s called heroes and demons

it’s badass it’s like

samurais fighting tigers and shit it’s really cool art

by this japanese tattooist

but they don’t make them anymore

but i told tom

tom from affliction like those shirts are shit

i love them

i used to before i smoke weed i used to dress terrible

think i dress bad now

i used that

leopard print

stripes yeah

structure shirts with like yeah

i used to wear

things where really i used to wear like

crushed red velvet shirts and

crazy but i’m not joking

crazy big hawaiian shirts

i’m a fashion retard like i always have been

you know that’s why i

still wear a fanny pack like i wear

a fanny pack all the time yeah you know whenever we

travel i wear a fanny pack

in a belt chain

yeah and my

chain my wallet chain

i don’t care

the wallet chain you know

watch there i’ve

lost my wallet before i don’t want to lose my wallet

again bam i got a wallet chain

should be like

nope i like it

i like it i like it

i like it too because

imperial rose

collection my man

david tadman

he made it for me he

said to me this dude this really cool dude who’s a big

mma fan who’s a jeweler

and he said

to me so to me

it has like

power it’s like a gift from somebody you know it’s cool

chain that i like it

gives me strength

and i like that i’m not

gonna lose my fucking wallet again

people are doing

stupid you fucking

forty two you got a backwards hat

wallet chain on

i like wearing my baseball hat backwards

i like having a wallet

chain if you

think i look

silly good make fun of me i don’t care have

you have you like

gone without wearing the wall

chain for like a

week no never

i’ve weared a wall

chain for decades

i can’t remember the last time i didn’t wear a wall

chain when i was on fear factor

these to make me tuck that shit in that is

weird because

there’s not many of you

you know there’s not many wallet

chain deals

i don’t give a fuck

i like it do you ever run any across any

other wall chain

yeah dudes will

compliment each other on

these wall chains

dudes will look at the

chain and go damn

that’s pretty badass man

and dana white give me a dope ass one too

i wonder if in the 1700s if you

would have a ladder

dana white’s giving me two wallet

chains that’s how cool dana white is

but this is the one that i use now

and i can’t

can you see it yeah i like it

because it’s it’s all like handcrafted

man it’s a little dragon head

and the little dragon head opens up

and that clips on on my belt

and the chain is dope

chain is really cool

and for whatever fucking reason okay this shit is

metal as fuck

but it does not go off when you go through the

metal detector

yes how stupid are

metal detectors

i will fucking kill you with this oh shit if i get this

i didn’t have a tripod on the

plane but you can have a fucking

chain yeah i this

thing this thing

goes right through the

metal detector that’s

weird it’s crazy

i mean you really have to

think like that i mean i hope i

should have opened my mouth

retards from

tsa is watching this

those fucking

knuckleheads

some of them are

cool i ran to a lot of cool people at the airport but

the the laws

is what’s not cool none of it makes any goddamn

sense you know

put a goddamn cop on a

plane on every

plane don’t they ever

do that they do that already yeah well not

every plane you can’t

bring a pool cue on

you can bring a

skateboard but you can’t

bring a pool cue what

about a laptop you can have a big

seventeen inch

laptop right

mac and you

can have a laptop that you design purposely to fuck

people up yeah

totally it’s

weird totally yeah it’s totally

weird we should shut up before we all

this shit taken out

you get it all

taken but haha

so how was washington

washington was badass washington dc

on the show

show was great man we were at this

place called the nine

thirty club that’s why i told you my

phone fell on the toilet

awesome awesome

crowd really i don’t get to dc very much

and the last time i was there before was with

john heffron charlie murphy

when we did the maxim comedy tour

so you’re in miami beach florida next week right

yeah i’m in miami beach florida on the 22nd

which is what day is that as i was looking at

right now it is a

it’s on the you stream page

right a little

put the little calendar on youtube yeah so next friday

but bam motherfuckers

that’s another place i’m not at very

often not in florida very often not in miami very often

yeah but i’m here friday bitches

that’s gonna be fun that comedy show i

guess there’s

gonna be a lot of people in town for that your

make a lot of comics are gonna be in town for that yeah

yeah that sounds cool awesome

powerful comedy festival

and tickets are selling really fast so

if you want to go

go to where they

were fucking up

i think that one is

do i have a link somewhere

yeah you know what i’m gonna

throw the link on twitter cause i’m such a badass bitch

oh that’s what i was gonna talk to you about what

it’s through

live nation so if you go to live nation com yeah each

ticket they are

charging 17

like something

crazy like 15 dollars

like live nation gets a cut

service charge 15

service charge

for three tickets some dude was saying

that he was paying something like insane like 200

bucks or something really yeah

go check it let’s

actually do it

right now we do it live

well you know that’s one of the

things i like

about like a

regular goddamn comedy club a regular comedy club

was the ticket

cost 25 bucks

you walk in the door you pay your 25

bucks and that’s it man yeah

you know or if you show up

early you know you go to the box office

or you can order online

you just buy it from the club and that’s what it costs

right you go through an agency but if you’re

gonna do like a big concert or something like that

you have to go through an agency that’s another world

you know once you

start doing like big

venues start doing like several thousand people

that’s a totally different

world that’s why i love comedy clubs

first of all the show’s better

the shows are

always better when it’s like less than 600 people

you know once you get over like six hundred people

they’re still fun there’s

still a lot of fun

you know dc was more than six hundred people i

think but they’re still

it’s still a good time don’t get me wrong but

it’s just not the same experience

the same the

experience you get in the comedy club it’s like you’re

right there you’re in the mix there’s

low ceilings and shit and it’s just

300 of you and

you’re fucking around just hanging out you know okay

three tickets

try to guess the

grand total

tell me 159

60 cents for

three tickets that’s a lot of money man

have i smoked weed with doug benson probably

i don’t remember though

i must have

i might not have though

i think i did once i

think i showed him the solo pipe

i was gonna get him one i think

doug’s a very nice guy

yeah he’s a real cool guy

very nice guy and i did his podcast he’s very fun too

he’s got a i love

movies podcast but i was totally useless on it because

i’m not a big movie fan

so they were talking like they were all

going on especially patent patton i

was on he’s a

movie freak

and they were just

quoted all these

weird obscure

movies and weird

and i just didn’t know anything

i was useless

they were like what’s your favorite

movie i’m like i don’t have one

you have a favorite

movie i don’t

think i have a favorite movie man

right now it’s avatar

just cause i i

never get that i’ve

never felt like that before you know yeah i like in a

movie like wow like that movie like

even though it was dumb

you know even though it was like cliche

it didn’t matter it’s like felt

it felt so powerful

you know it

goes like move to tears almost a couple times it’s like

me even though it was

still it was like

comic book style but

super powerful

you know like the images and the way it was done

even though there was like some cliche shit in it

doesn’t matter man

they’re fucking awesome

did i get my tomahawk pipe yes i did sir

actually here it is

right here but we

haven’t used it because it’s kind of weak

it’s very clogged

already yeah well it’s just it’s a it’s dumb

it’s dumb you’re not really supposed to

smoke out of it

you’re supposed to just go me and i’ve got a camera

hog pipe man

it’s it’s silly

but yeah i got it i got it just so i

could show you guys i got it

when did i start smoking weed i didn’t

start till i was like 30 years old

that’s why i’m so passionate about it

because my whole life

i thought that if you

smoke weed you’d be lazy

you’d be a loser

because i knew a lot of dudes when i was a kid and

the guys that did drugs

the guys that were

partying all the time they always want to fucking

their lives up

and i was terrified of fucking my

life up there was my number one fear with being a loser

my number one

i didn’t my ambition

was all fucked up because it wasn’t that i wanted to be

happy and i wanted to you

know find some

place of some

point of success and

do you know

achieve some goal or you

know be the

something for a living that i wanted to be

i wasn’t doing that i was just trying not to be a

loser i was terrified i was

gonna be a loser so

you know i think

i think that’s it it’s very important

to have the

right mindset

don’t you think like when you’re growing up

how gigantic is that yeah

i think it’s a lot with parents but also

you know just how you’re raised and hold package

yeah and how people how you the people around you

think too that’s very important man you know

i don’t even remember what i was talking about

that’s how high we are

ladies and gentlemen

barbecued but we’re talking

about something real simple

what the hell

are we talking

about avatar and

by the way i finally sell the song 3d and i

loved it that fucking

movie was so

great it was the

greatest movie ever

to me i mean i say i don’t have a favorite

movie but i

guess if i had to have a favorite

movie that’s my favorite movie

any news i’m brock

lesnar i heard

randy kotor

said he’s back in the gym really yeah

that’s awesome

you know more important than anything

even if dude

never fights

again right

you know maybe he

doesn’t want to

fight anymore now you know

the most important

thing is that he’s healthy

and the most important

thing is you

ladies and gentlemen

learn something from this situation

eat your vegetables

it’s very important each a

fiber you got to

clean out your intestinal tract

right juicer

by juicer this

motherfuckers been juicing

juicing like

crazy and it’s

his whole life is like invigorated

right don’t you

feel like oh it’s immediately

like five minutes

after taking one of these

juices i feel like i

could just go

do jumping jacks why isn’t this wack ass thing

streaming anymore

i don’t know man i i is it safari

safari soccer uh

i use chrome

now oh this is this is firefox you know what

i’m gonna try

to shut this

bitch off yes

cause i’ve been

using chrome a lot lately

i like chrome a lot

i think it’s the best so

i don’t know batter

safari is the

best i gave up on firefox firefox has been the worst

lately firefox has just been slow as fuck

really yeah they used to be good

yeah firefox crashes sometimes on me

shut off firefox

i got all my

fancy new fucking badass

quick internet

it shouldn’t be all gayed out yeah

a lot of people

got really mad at me i did an interview recently

and i talked

about the use of the word faggot

i was just explaining how what happened when i did the

spike tv thing

that they told me that i

could say any word

except faggot

when when the show was uncensored

and i was like this that’s so

crazy because i’m not even talking to

a person i’m talking to a dog and some

ants that’s when i use the word fag

and it has nothing to do with

sexual orientation

you know and i know louis ck

actually has a

bid on that

about how it

never meant gay and it didn’t anthony kumi

talks about it all the time

on opi and anthony

about how faggot

never really was a homosexual

slur when we were kids it was

it was not i mean but

that’s true but it’s

sort of not true because you knew that

it also meant that

but people didn’t

use it that way that’s not what it meant

and at the end of

the day like what’s language is supposed to represent

is your the context of your thoughts

you know and the problem is when words get

hyperpowered

like cunt or nigger or faggot

now faggot is like the new one

you know or love loves a

hyper powered word too you know

these words get

hyper powered and the word itself

is more important than the meaning behind the word

you’re not it’s not a true

expression anymore like

i mean a lot of people in relationships and you know

you say you love me tell me you love me or to love you

it’s like this

weird fucking

magic word thing that you have to say

it’s like you

should know by the way someone

communicates with you whether or not they love you

they shouldn’t have to say

this one word shouldn’t have all this goddamn

power you know the same

thing with the word nigger and the same

thing with the word faggot

and now i guess

because this

gay guy told me when he was explaining this to me that

i couldn’t say faggot

and even if i didn’t mean anything he didn’t

mean gay people i couldn’t say it because i’m not gay

said but gay people

could say because he goes it’s our nigger

why have guys kisses that’s john

travolta who’s he kissing john travolta

i don’t know some dude he met

on the streets wow that’s

shocking news obviously

what’s great is gonna get me sued who’s he kissing

obviously it’s

stage ladies and gentlemen well

this one’s not stage

where he’s getting

into an airplane kissing another gentleman

well you know maybe he likes kissing gentlemen

doesn’t mean he’s gay brian

i don’t know where you’re going with this listen

just cuz john travolta is kissing manny’s photos

and one of the funniest things you ever

said dude was

do you wanna say

which john travolta is gayer than a room full of dicks

did i say that yeah in vegas i said one of my favorite

things here

well clearly i was just saying it in jest

ladies and gentlemen i do not know who’s homosexual

there’s a funny story that i’ve told before

but it’s true story

there was a dude who was a fighter in this

organization

this other fighting organization outside of the ufc

and this was like the 90s and they want to do

it wasn’t a google search even it was an internet

search on this man’s name

because they were gonna write a

story about him to promote his show

and as they were

searching him they

found out that someone with the same name

was a gay porn star

and not just a gay porn star

but the winner of the hungriest butt contest

not the runner up with a hungry spot contest

the fucking winner

this dude won the hungriest butt contest

and they didn’t believe it was him and then they just

started like

like searching more

and they found photos

and they found photos of him like one dudes in his

mouth one dudes in his ass

and they’re using him as like chinese finger handcuffs

and i mean they found all this porn on him like because

it was you know it was used pretty easy to find

you know when the information

first got on the internet

porn was the

first shit to get out there

porn was there before anything else

before wikipedia before

youtube porn was there

so if you had porn on the internet

you could basically get even

stuff that was illegal

like the early

tracy lords videos you could have got those

you could have got

those back but you can’t get those now

you go looking for a

tracy lord’s video

now anything that’s illegal like that that shit is gone

but back then you

could get it

so gay porn

it was all over the place

this poor fuck

they pulled up all

these pictures

videos and everything

they confronted them

and it was like bullshit

and they showed him the

photos and he got all angry

and he was the headliner he was like the big draw

and he just explained that he

look he was down on his luck and it was a lot of money

it was a lot of money

and so he did it

well it turns out he did like a hundred

movies okay

i mean and the joke is how much

money is a lot of

money to you

cause if i think

you do one movie

you live like you’re in a jay z

video for the rest of your life

that’s what i think

you wanna do gay sex on

video what that’s

i gotta see some zeros

i gotta see a lot of commas

and a lot of zeros you know

but this fucking guy did like a lot of these

and my the joke is

a hundred and fifteen

videos by my accounts you

should have all the

money in the world

there should be no more

money left for anybody else

unless you like it

see if you like suck

index and if you’re gay

then that’s not bad at all

it’s not see

this what people don’t understand

like just because someone

thinks it’s

funny because they personally are not they don’t

wanna have gay sex

that doesn’t mean it’s bad that

you have gay sex it’s only bad for someone who doesn’t

wanna have the gay sex

right brian

like if you’re not gay and you do a gay porn

that’s a big deal

but if you’re gay and you do a gay porn

it’s like so what

you’re sucking dicks

is it any more embarrassing that you’re doing a video

it’s the same

it’s no different but if you’re straight

and you’re out there blowing guys on video ooh

i stupid about it in my act that

if a guy is like straight and he’s born a guy

you know that if you like made a mistake one

night and you’ll

never win an argument ever for the rest of your life

because as soon as you get in the argument soon as shit

starts getting

real like man you don’t believe people on the moon

like didn’t you suck a dick once

and that’s the end the

arguments over

there’s no way you can bounce back from that

what you got a dick in your mouth

this conversations over

yeah you can’t

trust a judgment anymore you’ve

defeated him

you’ve deflated him as a human

do i feel very blessed to be as

famous as i am says genuine evil 86 that’s hilarious

i’m just famous enough where it’s not creepy

you know i’m just

famous enough where no one takes me seriously

first of all

fear factor was

definitely a blessing in disguise

because you know i’m saying

like you know you get to

a place where like a lot of people aren’t like real

super famous people that are like

loved and worshipped like

you know rock stars or michael jackson

or something like that or tom cruise or brad pitt like

they’re prisoners

like they can’t

go anywhere like that is a terrible way to live

like yeah everybody is fascinated

by you including me if i saw brad pitt in a restaurant

i would like

point stare

like me you

wanna hear something

crazy me and

kevin james okay and

kevin james is fucking

famous right

that goddamn

paul blart mall cop

movie he did made like 200 million dollars okay

and kevin and i are in boston and we’re in a

hotel room and tom

cruise was in boston too and tom cruise is on the

street okay

we’re in kevin’s fucking

hotel room and

kevin’s like

tom cruise is out there look

and so we’re like

leaning out the window

looking at tom cruise

and we’re on like the tenth

floor and shit and tom cruise is on the ground

floor and we’re like looking at him across the

street like woo

like a movie star

is gawking at another movie star

it was pretty interesting to

watch i was like

you’re i go do you know you’re that famous

like he’s not as

famous as tom cruise but he’s

fucking really

famous i mean it’s

silly that he’s

like so fat but that’s what it is man people people

are nutty about

about fame that’s not a good

level you don’t want to be there that

you want to be at the

level where you don’t have to

worry about your bills and you

you know you’re able to do what you want to do

like as far as creatively

you know that’s what i like i like the fact that i

could do comedy and

could do the ufc

i do what i want to do and i’m

enjoying myself you know and it’s fun people

enjoy what i’m doing

and you know you develop fans you develop

people that are appreciating what you do and you

appreciate them

and it’s a good relationship that’s a good

level of fame

you don’t want to be you know

you don’t want to be somewhere like

i was i was

watching some

video online

where the guy

can you put that

video up the dude when george bush went to

a restaurant

and he’s with five

secret service

agents and the guy

screaming and yelling

at him you fucking murderer you zionist murder and

piece of shit and

some guy george bush senior

has to the dude

is like he’s an old man he’s been around forever

he has to travel

everywhere with

these bodyguards

everywhere he goes he has

secret service guys surrounding him

and yeah i know what you’re saying yeah

no he caused wars and he’s responsible for all

these people dying i

see it a hundred percent

and it’s not like being a

movie star but it’s the same

thing in as far as like

well no because people are

angry at him okay

my point is terrible but

it is right

cause people are

angry at him i mean

the reason why he’s got all

those people around is

cause people want him dead yeah

anybody who wants brad pitt dead is fucking

crazy but the

point is that any

level of fame

you know past a certain

level can be

it becomes a handicap

it becomes like food if you have some food

you should only eat

until you’re not hungry anymore you

shouldn’t fucking gorge yourself and go goddamn crazy

you know it’s very difficult to manage any

level of fame

and to manage the kind of fame that those guys

manage i mean it’s almost impossible

that’s why why do you

think tom cruise is so crazy

you have to be crazy

no one cannot be

crazy if you’re that

famous it’s like impossible

like who can manage that kind of fame

you know like

when he was on matt

lau we’re talking about

psychiatrists and antidepressants like

matt your glib

your glib like he

doesn’t even realize how retarded he

sounds no one tells him

no one tells him that he’s talking nonsense he

doesn’t have

a voice of reason around him he

doesn’t have

objectivity he

doesn’t have anybody who talks to him real

he has people who gawk and stare

and look like

kevin james and i

from the fucking tenth

floor of a hotel

oh it’s tom cruise

no one’s given that guy the real shit

so when he gets on

television and talks to nonsense

he has no idea what nonsense is

he’s crazy because he’s

super super

famous and it’s

almost impossible

to not be crazy

where all the rules

completely different

for you than they are for everybody else

the rules for everybody else

are totally

most people have to create an impression

they have you meet someone

that you know you tell them

what your name is what you’re all

about with him

everywhere he goes they know everything

they know he’s a

scientologist

they know he’s the

greatest fucking most successful

movie star in the history of the world

i mean that fucking guy can’t go anywhere

everybody wants to say he’s like five foot one and oh

he’s gay and he’s fucking crazy

everybody staring and scrutinizing

them you know that marriage

that he had the

first one to cold kidman

that was all set up and i was not even real

everybody’s constantly up in his shit how

could he not be

crazy right yeah

brian gets up

he gets a lot

of internet fame you got a lot of weirdos they get

upset at you

you got a lot of weird how

about that pepsi

spice thing

listen listen this story

this this dude

when pepsi remember

guys remember when

pepsi spice was around

well brian is like one of the

og internet gangsters

he was like

he was aware

of shit the companies

weren’t aware of

you know companies were like

these multi

multi billion dollar companies but they really weren’t

deep in the internet

they didn’t

understand the impact it had

so when pepsi

spice came out

they didn’t have

pepsispice com

so brian bought

pepsispice com

and brian started putting up all these

crazy is it

still up or did you get sued

uh the website yeah i let it go because i was

tired of paying for it

and they weren’t

bringing back the

did you give it to them

no i just let it go i

think somebody

somebody else picked it up but what did you do with all

those crazy stories that you

wrote on it

we’ll tell everybody

about the stores

well pretty much i just

copied off that

morgan spurlock guy and i said that i was

going to drink

only pepsi holiday

spice for 30 days

for the people that don’t know that’s from

super size me

you ate mcdonald’s

for 30 days it’s a documentary pretty good one yeah

and so i had i

could only have pepsi

spice to eat and

drink for 30 days which is

alone the dumbest

thing in the

world that anyone believed it you know like i’m not

going to eat food

yeah so i started having like the

first couple days i

started having like these

like lesions

and stuff like

that and you

photoshopped

these things on yeah

yeah i made like fake

things i made myself look more and

more sick i was losing weight and i was showing like

i was photoshopping fat off me

and what’s crazy is then i

started getting interviews from

radio stations

thinking it’s

real i have that somewhere like this two hour interview

where college

radio stations

thought it was real and i had

people actually i

started really

thinking i was like

dying and stuff like that and then

one day i just stopped like 20 days in

and people all thought i died

it was one of the great trolls

one of the all time great trolls

yeah it was really brilliant

yeah just look up

pepsi spice project it’s been some

goddamn brilliant trolls

done on the internet

you know the best is doug stanhope

on baiting baiting org

doug stanhope

would go and bait pedophiles

and then write like i think they did a book

about it didn’t

they do a book they put in a book form i

think yeah i

think so i believe it’s

still available

on if you go to doug stanhope com

you’ll probably have a link to it somewhere because

one of the funniest things

that doug ever did

and he would pretend to be little girls

and lure pedophiles

and say like all kinds of fucked up shit

and it was really really

genius stuff

i don’t i can’t pull any of the

quotes off the top of my head but i remember

really laughing really hard

wanting to do the same

thing but i don’t have that kind of commitment

doug is doug is an animal he’s a pit bull

the level commitment that he has towards

trolling i i’m like

i’m not into like goofing on people

i don’t know why

like that like i get bored

i mean i i’ll

argue with people and i’ll make fun of someone

but like pretending to be someone else

going back and forth

for whatever reason my

brain doesn’t work that way you know

i don’t know why i don’t get into

those trolls

but i love watching them

like that pepsi

spice one i love that one that was awesome

and doug’s i love them

i just don’t i don’t

my brain doesn’t

think like that

here’s a here’s

when i actually

this is one of the

first videos i did special effects on

and here’s the here’s the

video from pepsi spice

okay where it’s like one of the

first times

i did like a real good special how badass is this

video and video shit this is dope folks

this is like we got a real goddamn show here people

can you see by the way

all the shit i do this is probably one of the funnest

things i do this is fun

you know we look forward to this

these fucking ads push that bitch up push it up higher

it’s me fucking myself

oh i thought this is pepsi spice it is

oh this is what you put up my advertisement

for pepsi spice i got that

people would play like this guy’s drinking pepsi spice

haha haha haha haha haha haha

haha haha

what’s brian fucking wrong that’s hilarious

that’s hilarious dude

that’s very funny man

have i seen jesse ventura’s new show no i have not

i have not seen jesse ventura’s new show

i don’t know shit about jesse ventura’s new show

i know it’s some sort of a crazy conspiracy theory

sounds awesome

i like conspiracy theories up to a point my piss

good dude brian’s gonna pay

you guys want to see his dick

please talk about the

music you like you should listen to fish the dead

oh your toilet

water is cold

what the fuck

my toilet how do you even know

um what is your name p q i l e s

twenty four

this is the dude who likes the dead in the fish

okay man i don’t get

the dead or the fish i don’t get it i

understand that you like it and i

would never say that it’s not good

because it’s obviously good to you

you know i gave up saying something

things suck a long time ago when people like them

because it occurred to me somewhere

along the line

that even though they suck for me even though i do

think they suck

as long as you know what do i care as long as it’s not

promoting anything

ridiculously

stupid well as long as it’s not

you know reinforcing

retarded behavior as long as it’s like negative

not negative for

human beings

what do i give a shit

you know you

think it’s good you like it

i can’t get into it man i can’t listen to the dead

you grateful

that i tried

i did this grateful dead

experiment where i

tried to listen to it for 30 days

but i was hating it so much that i didn’t want to i was

gonna write

about it i was gonna

read i was gonna

listen to the dead for 30 days

and then write

about it at the end

it’s just not my shit

but that’s okay

you know i mean you can like it but like

i was listening to the dead one day and

i put on right

after i listened

to it i was listening to for like an hour and then

i put on midnight rider

by the allman brothers and i

never listened to dead again

i was like are you fucking kidding me man

are you fucking kidding me

i mean look

i know some people like the grateful dead and i

understand and i

appreciate it so

like that but

but listen man there’s there’s some fucking music

that there’s there’s some

music that’s on another level

and in my opinion

the shit from i’m looking for him

that’s why i

make any sense here

i’m looking for the song

fucker my man fine

um where’s my goddamn almond brothers

you know this is a wack ass setup

here here this is

him hi billy mays here with another fantastic

crime what are you doing

what is that

with billy mays himself

that’s not you can’t you

gonna get arrested

huh you gonna get arrested oh you

can do this can you yeah

this is a picture of a

picture oh really yeah you

allowed to do that well i mean don’t sell that to the

ufc they’ll sue the fuck

i can’t find almond brothers

here we go okay shut that off for a second

listen to this shit listen to this shit

oh that’s ramble

man that’s not what it was it was midnight rider

fucking cunt

do i not have that how is that possible

i got it on my fucking phone

how do i not have it on my itunes

oh there it is you bitch

okay here we go

leave your screen

what what the hell is that you gotta mute your

screen yeah but then how are they gonna hear this

you mute you have to mute your screen

oh otherwise it won’t play right is that what it is

well you’re just gonna echo yourself okay

yeah

alright here we go

you know you can listen to the grateful dead all day

that’s all good

is this playing good i hope this doesn’t sound terrible

if this sounds terrible let me know

because i’m just playing over this microphone

see i listen to that man i can’t go back

i can’t go back to the grateful dead i can’t do it

i understand it if you like it

it’s not my shit

i like some rap music i like 70s music

the midnight

rider from the allman brothers i don’t know if it

sounded good to you guys

did sound awesome

it’s a great goddamn fucking song just a

some of the shit they did in the 70s man

that stuff just so resonates

today man you know

you listen to some some of the 60s and 70s music

zeppelin the doors and just there’s something

about it man that

like when i’m like in a mood i want to hear something

especially if you

smoke a joint

and you know you sit in

front of computer you want to write

i’ll put on some fucking

classic rock man it just

it makes you

it just makes you feel

more connected

there’s just like there’s something

about that music like whatever they

were doing at the time and they were making that music

they were nailing it

you know there’s

music from that era that doesn’t

smell at all like

commercial it doesn’t

smell at all like

like they were trying to

you know to

trick people or do something thought was gonna be

successful there’s a bunch of

music from that era

that’s just beautiful man it’s just

alive it’s like the

pure the purest version of

of musical art

you know and i

think it’s cause they were all doing

psychedelic drugs i mean

i think that a lot to

do with it everybody was high everybody was smoking pot

they were dropping acid and taking mushrooms and

they were coming out with

dope fucking

music man and

today still to this day

i mean no one’s

gonna be listening to pop pop pop pop poker face

no one’s gonna listen to that

thirty years

no one’s gonna listen that

forty years

led zeppelin

will still be around in 40 years

40 years from now

some fucking dude in a

spaceship is

gonna turn some

other dude in a

spaceship onto a

whole lot of love

probably not

forty years will

still be stuck on this planet

four hundred years from now

that should be like mozart

no one’s gonna remember papa

poker face no one’s

gonna remember that right

don’t you agree

i don’t know it’s

a pretty big song

i think you just hating

do you think i’m hating you like that song i

think it was okay at the beginning but i mean the main

thing who cares about me that’s like my

number one song

not every song gets number one you know

what will people remember it

i think that sounds horrible

does anybody here i mean i like lady gaga it’s not bad

yeah this dude is down man

kevin nukem knows what the fuck i’m talking about

says they have the best

music the almond brothers just they’re just soulful man

there’s something

about those

when joey diaz describes it as the best

those dirty

motherfucking white boys

dirty white boys from florida

are you fucking kidding me getting that pure heroin

they were are

you fucking kidding me they were playing the real

music joe rogan

you gotta get joey diaz on

joey diaz will be here next week

we’re gonna drag him in here next week

even if we have to change the schedule

for the show

and do it at a different time

all right now because i didn’t look at this at all the

last time we did this i have to look at it now at your

yeah i made up a post on my message board

asking people

to put in questions

so because of that i’m

gonna go there

right now and check out

what the questions are and

see if anybody had some cool shit because people are

upset that i

did it last week

but when i did

it last week i didn’t answer any questions but

i mean i like

the questions and it’s good to have the questions but

wanted to make this as

loose as possible

i want to make

this as much as whatever we feel like talking

about you know whatever whoever’s here whatever

just let things come out

you know let and

answer twitter questions and all that shit

what are the best tips for

navigating a high dose mushroom trip

are you doing them regularly

that’s the first question

i don’t do them regularly

terrence mckenna who i learned everything i know

about psychedelics from that guy or at least

that’s where i started

is listening to what he had to say reading his books

but what he always said is that you

should do them in high doses and very rarely

that’s what he said

he said that psychedelic experiences

should be something where you do the right dose

and then you take a long time off and

sort of contemplate what happened

and i agree with that

the last time i did anything really

strong like dmt that was over two years ago

and it was because it was a

very very very profound

experience and i wanted to make sure

that i got as much out of it and it

understood it and

sort of deciphered it as much as i could and

applied it to my life as much as i could before

i just went to try to do it

again i’m very serious about

psychedelic trips i don’t

think it’s play

i mean i think you can have a good time on

mushrooms with your buddies if you don’t take too much

but i think you can get a lot out of

psychedelic trips where

you and i’m not criticizing people

wanna do it for fun

because look i like to

drink for fun i

smoke pot for fun i

smoke pot both for

introspective quality

thinking and also for fun

and i don’t if you

wanna do it for fun that’s all good

but what i’m saying is like

for me personally i’ve

learned a lot from

psychedelic

experiences and

what i believe is what terrence mckenna

has always said

is that you

should do them

very rarely

you do them and then you don’t do shit for a

while and you think

about what the fuck you learned

because it doesn’t

if you really want to

prove yourself you’re really

using it for

that reason to really expand your consciousness

you don’t get anything out of it if you can’t

apply it to your life

you can’t just have the

experience and then become some fucking shut in

who doesn’t interact with the rest of the

world because all you want to do is

you know go down your basement turn the

lights out and do mushrooms

now you’re not even a part of us anymore like

you should be able to

you’ve got to be able to function in both

worlds in the

psychedelic

world and in this

world you got to be able to

navigate both dimensions

and i think if you do too much

drugs if you do them all the time

you know you can you can

definitely lose

your your handle on this world

so that’s my answer to that question i

think if you’re if you’re doing

anything consciousness expanding

you know and always do

things that have been

done for thousands and thousands of years i mean

i’m not telling you to do anything illegal but there’s

stuff that you can do that isn’t illegal they just

haven’t classified it yet

you know iwaska isn’t

technically illegal dmt is illegal

ayahuasca has even been sanctioned recently

some church in new mexico won a supreme court case

where they take dmt it’s part of

their christian

church it’s part of

their religious

ceremonies to get in

touch with god

yeah they want a supreme court case

very few people know

about it but

you got you

should know what the fuck you’re doing

that’s the real problem with

psychedelics is that there are no shaman anymore

you know in the in

you know these

tribes in peru

and these people that live in the amazon

there there is like

a history of usage that goes back thousands of years

and they pass it on from

generation to

generation and the shaman

that people that brew this

ayahuasca is this very

powerful dose

of dmt that comes in an orally active form

and they get it from combining these

plants and boiling into this

crazy mixture

between that and there’s also shaman in

other parts of the

world and mexico where they

their shaman

where they’re the

thing is mushrooms

and these are people that have navigated

these dimensions whether it’s

ayahuasca or mushrooms or peyote

they’ve navigated

these dimensions

many many many many times so they can tell you what to

expect there

they’ve learned from their

experiences and they can help you

you know i think that’s the real problem is that

psychedelic drugs

aren’t necessarily bad for you they’re just illegal

and when they’re

illegal they can be bad for you because

if you can get caught with them you can get locked up

your life can get fucked up if they find them

in your piss if you have to you know test

for some sort of a job and then also you

label the drug addict yeah

in that sense

psychedelic drugs can be bad

and the other

sense it’s like look

a circular saw like one of those

those are awesome

if you know how to use one

you could build a

house you could fucking do some cool shit

you can cut some wood that you would

never be able to cut with like a

steak knife

but it doesn’t mean everybody

should have a fucking circular saw and just be

using it all day

and that’s the same

thing with mushrooms

mushrooms are just like any kind of tool

you can like like i say with marijuana with a hammer

you can build a

house with a hammer

or you can just

hit yourself in the dick if you’re fucking crazy

it doesn’t mean that hammer

should be illegal

and that’s the same

thing with psychedelic drugs i

wouldn’t give

a circular saw to a 13 year old boy and say hey

go play with this

but if a guy is a goddamn carpenter

and he knows what he’s doing and he’s

gone up through

trade school

and he did an

apprenticeship and worked as a carpenter’s

apprentice and

learned how to use tools properly and

learn the proper

safety precautions

then yeah that guy

should be able to hold a fucking

chainsaw that guy

should be able to use a circular saw

guy should be able to work in a machine shop

he’s learned how to do it

and that’s the same

thing with psychedelic drugs there

should be someone

showing you

the dangers in the pitfalls and what it’s all

about because it’s not simply

that easy it’s not like you can just do them and you’re

gonna be okay

some people do

psychedelic drugs

and they’re so un

mentally prepared for it they’re

never the same again

you know and that’s

a real possibility and someone needs to be there to

evaluate whether or not you know

you’ve got the

proper information with your heads in the

right place

you know and that’s why it

would help if we were more open

about these fucking things

and it’s the nutty

thing is it’s

it’s still got this terrible

reputation and here we are you know in

2010 and i think the

reputation is all based on

the fact that we when we get something in our head we

stick with it

we get something

in our head even with all the information

like marijuana

still illegal

2010 in most

states it’s illegal

you know that’s

crazy when alcohol

and tobacco and all that shit is readily available

but we get it in our head that it’s bad

because it’s been illegal all our lives

it’s very tough for us to change gears

and for a long time we’ve had this

thing in our head

about psychedelic drugs

and it’s just a

cultural pattern

it’s just a lock we got talked into it when the

media was young

and when the newspapers were

around and that was the only way to get information out

they would publish

these stories

about marijuana

and the william

randolph hearst scandals

william randolph

hearst owned

not only did he own

newspapers but he also owned

paper mills

and when they invented the

decorticator

it made it more effective to process hemp fiber

and what he

started doing was attacking the hemp industry

so that he didn’t have to change over his

paper mills from wood

to hemp paper

this hemp is a far superior paper

it makes superior clothing

you can eat it like this

it contains all the essential amino acids in the seeds

besides the fact that it gets you high

even take away the get you high part even

the plants that don’t get you high at all are still

like really economically valuable

well william randolph

hearst attacked that industry

because he owned the newspapers

he started printing

these stories

saying that

blacks and mexicans were

smoking this new drug called marijuana and they were

going out and raping

white women

so because of that because he did this they all

you know people

got crazy and they all

got paranoid and

congress actually outlawed

marijuana not even knowing they were outlawing hemp

they didn’t even know it was the same thing

so that’s how marijuana became illegal in the

first place and that’s why it’s

still illegal

today is that once something is

stuck in our consciousness

it takes a long time to get it out

well i think that a long time

ago a long time ago it was probably very very common

in all cultures to have a shaman

to have some sort of

someone who is

aware of psychedelic

states john

marco allegro

he argues that that’s what christianity is all about

the christianity is all

about concealing

these secrets of

consuming hallucinogenic drugs

he was a guy who deciphered the dead sea

scrolls john

marco allegro worked in the dead sea

scrolls for 14 years and

after he did all this deciphering i don’t know if he’s

right neither do you

unless you’re a biblical scholar

unless you can

you know you

have to be a master of ancient languages you have to

study it for decades to even

understand what the fuck he’s talking about

i read it it’s like

makes sense sort of but

he could be totally bullshitting

but what his

story is was that

the entire christian religion was a

giant misunderstanding what it really was all

about was the consumption

of psychedelic mushrooms and fertility cults

and that’s what it was all

about it was all

about breeding

babies and taking mushrooms

which makes

sense people

lived thousands

and thousands years ago and didn’t know what

the sky was they didn’t have any science

and they’re popping mushrooms

they wouldn’t want

other people to know how badass the mushrooms are

you eat mushrooms you see god

they wouldn’t want

other people to know

about that so they

would hide it in stories it totally makes sense

some guy said i’ve tried robitussin

what are you kitty dukakis pal drinking robitussin

well it’s drinking aftershave fell

agreed this guy says he hates everything in the radio

i don’t hate everything on the

radio but god damn i hate a lot of songs

i think this is just a certain reality

and like a lot of

rap and a lot of

classic rock

i like sound guard too i love

soundgarden i heard they’re getting back together again

which i love

because i was not a fan

of that chris cornell shit on his own

yeah lately i haven’t been a fan at all

he seems like a really

cool guy and he’s talented as fuck as a singer but

there’s like some bands

they get together they got a

magic you know

i don’t think

even if they get back together i don’t

think it’s gonna be that good

really yeah

i think i think a lot of bands like

soundgarden they were good

because they were

young and they were

doing drugs and

going crazy

and just experiencing life

now i think

these are just people that have slowed down slowed

their role and they’re trying to be something or not

cause they’re

music just a lot of

these guys music just

you know i think that was kind of what i was talking

about earlier when i was saying that there’s a certain

level that you reach as

a performer you know

if you get too

famous you get too

successful it’s very hard to cope

it’s very hard to be

still creative and

still have enthusiasm

i mean how many guys

just get better and better

every album

it’s not that many you know

it’s very hard to pull off

who do you think has ever done it the longest

most consistently

will zeppelin one of

those guys probably

the beatles did it forever right yeah

did they ever fall

apart they got better right yeah

they got back i think so

yeah they did right they got into their psychedelic

stage you know they’re fucking the white album

stage plays rock

band better beatles rock band no it’s great because you

start off like shitty beatles

songs and you’re just like this song sucks whatever

and then you

start getting into like

psychedelic and

it’s cool the more you play the more into the music

well they didn’t just see the

thing about the beatles was they didn’t just change

their music

they changed like the

whole culture that was listening to them too

because people got swept up in

their music

you know people were such huge fans of john lennon

that when he

started getting into transcendental

meditation and

acid and you know hanging

out with gurus and shit they all got into it too like

he changed a lot of people’s consciousness

that was a guy that really really affected

a lot of the way

our culture operates the way people

think michael jackson too

fuck yeah yeah

yeah michael jackson just from the

music like how

powerful it was

like bad and thriller

man when i was a kid

there was nothing that was more popular than that yeah

it was so recognized that his

talent was just so far and

above everyone else’s

and you know

everybody’s like god it’s so sad that he’s such a

freak and he’s so crazy

but the more i’ve been

thinking lately

i think that when you get to

a certain level i

think there’s a certain

level of greatness

that some people achieve like a certain

frequency that some people achieve

and it’s almost

impossible to achieve if you’re not insane

it’s almost impossible

to push yourself that far

that hard because

it’s not easy to be like michael jackson

so fucking hard it’s not just natural

talent it’s a focus

and an energy

and that focus requires like

a very singular way of looking at

things and a very

a lot of sexual obsession

a lot of sexual abuse

i think that probably helps too

right dick’s in the back of his

what do you think you

think that’s what happened with him you

think it was abused

when he was a kid i

think probably

i mean well it’s all speculation they all were

it could have

been that he just got so fucked up because he got so

famous when he was so

young that he

never felt like he had a chance to

grow up and he wanted to go back to when he was a child

and he was just so psychologically

damaged that he

literally wanted to be around children

because he wanted to revert back

to that moment in his life before he realized that life

was haywire

you know i’ve thought that before

because you know what

the thing is

about all these

child molesting

accusations is that he was always around all

these poor kids and trying to help all

these kids with cancer and shit and people

who were broke

and it’s like

after a while i mean

these people like

all they have to do is say some crazy shit

about michael jackson

and you know it looks

weird why is

michael jackson hanging out with kids all the time

all i have to do is say some

crazy shit and he’s

gotta pay you

he’s gotta pay you

start going to the newspaper

and to these people that were

super broke

i mean that

would be so tempting

here’s this billionaire

the biggest

rock star music star in the history of the world

and he’s hanging out with your kid

he’s got your kid over for

sleepovers you

start i believe it though in some

but he didn’t

what i’m saying is

there’s not like a whole

bunch of people coming out saying he fucked them

you wouldn’t just fuck a couple kids

right you’d be fucking kids all over the

place right

especially if you’re michael jackson you’d be like the

tiger woods of kid fucking

you’d be just banging kids all over the place

if you got that obsession

where you want to have sex with kids

if you look at the

child molesters

like the recidivism rate is through the roof it’s

crazy it’s like a 99

or something like that i don’t know

i just made

that number up it’s real high though whatever it is

i’ve read it i don’t remember what the numbers are but

people have said time and time

again it’s very difficult to reform someone

so if he’s like banging kids

he’s not just

gonna bang one or

two but that’s why he had kids and he called the kid

blanket cause he’s always on top of em just

seriously seriously though

like that’s i mean if you’re a

child molester

and you get caught

wouldn’t you have kids you’re just saying it enough

yeah but you’re saying

that no none of his kids have ever come out and accused

him of doing that you can’t just say that you’re just

you’re adding

them no you’re making i’m not

saying that’s what’s true

i’m just saying

you said that

but i’m gonna say that’s what i believe in

i don’t believe me i believe that he probably

slept with kids

and he probably

kissed him but i don’t

think he’s like

you know like

doggy style

on the side of the bed or anything like that so you

think he just

did inappropriate shit yeah i bet he’s just

cause he thinks he’s a kid you know

maybe yeah maybe

with molested that by his father growing up you

think so i bet that’s what that was

because i mean

miley cyrus

would be fucking

black by now if that was true you know somebody

said this i don’t know who said this but i don’t know

not giving credit

but i don’t remember who it was

they said that they

think that michael jackson

might have been castrated

they think that at a certain

point in time

michael jackson

might have been castrated

and that’s why he

can sing at such a high pitch

even though he’s a

grown man that

might be why he’s so fucked up sexually

and totally make sense

especially you look at his children

those are not his children i mean they’re white kids

they’re a hundred percent

white and he’s a

black man i mean he

might have paid for someone to have

those kids for but they’re not his kids

you know and i think that

it’s real possible that that

that’s real

possible but it’s speculation yeah but janet and

all kind of have that kind of

voice you know no

tito doesn’t jermaine doesn’t

those are men

you look at his brother

those are men

unless he’s like some sort of

a biological

freak why does he have that

voice why is he look like that

why is he so

feminine why is his

voice so high pitched

even though he’s a

grown man i mean

could you imagine what if

what if i mean he’s so

crazy with his fucking plastic surgery

what if he had some bad sexual

experiences when he was younger

and he just decided to castrate himself

i mean you look at what he does to his face yeah

that’s not beyond the realm of question

i’m just making up fucking rumors

it works two hours in five minutes this is the goddamn

rumor show folks

what is that

this is my anger to one of

these twitter posters

i love those guys that just like some of your

math there’s

guys that just like trying to get your tag

look at me look at me like

every five posts

it’s the same guy castrated men can’t get hard man

oh can get hard man

uh they can

trust me i know that’s what he

said how do you know

i thought that was a

whole point castrating people

well i can unless you take like

you have take viagra some how do you

is anybody know this is there any

dick experts out there on the twitter

ladies and gentlemen

please give me some information

can you really get a hard on

after castrated

not by natural means

right you have to take something don’t you

seems like when the balls are

whacked out that’s a wrap son

that’s a wrap son

some wrap son

i’m glad you guys are

enjoying it jp j four p zero

this is fun fun for me too man

what i bang a sixteen year old no man

listen you know

they look hot that’s a problem and they’re

ready to fuck they really are

you know what teenagers

i mean i’m not saying anybody

should fuck them but when you

see a girl like when i was sixteen when i was sixteen

i was having sex

weren’t you i

i was having sex and my

girlfriend was 15 and she was

built like a woman

she looked like a

woman she had

tits and she had a big ass and it was a

woman and she wanted sex all the time

i mean that’s a

that shit is real you know

i mean that’s but you’re not supposed to do it

doug stanhope has a joke

about it me and

brian me and ari

were talking

about on the plane

ari told me the joke that doug said

and apparently doug said you know

you know you say that they don’t

they that they’re 16 years old they shouldn’t be having

babies well

guess what god disagrees

that’s why they can get pregnant

and that’s a really good point yeah

you know i mean that’s really true but no i

wouldn’t have sex with a 16 year old that’s a child

you know even i mean

even if a girl is like

twenty like

i’m forty fucking two years old

like i’ve heard of dudes that are like my

age that have like

twenty year old

girlfriends and everybody laughs

about it like wow look at that guy’s

got we have a

buddy that has a wife and his wife’s nineteen

you know and he’s in his forties it’s crazy

but you know what

that’s them

they like it and they have a good time i

have a hard time talking to people

you know i can’t

i mean if i’m living with someone they have to be smart

i mean i need someone who has some

experience and some

information you have to be on the same

level as me

and there’s something that you deny

when you’re younger but you realize when you get older

is that when you fuck

when you have sex with someone

even though you like to

think that it’s just physical you just getting it

you blow a load

it’s not that simple there’s some sort of a

weird connection that

human beings make

when they fuck

and especially

when you do it to someone who’s young

like they we

learn how to ignore that

connection and we

learn how to like

push each other away when we get

older we learn how to separate and

and get you know just deal with it

about like physically

but when you’re

young like you

get so attached you remember how attached to her the

first person you had sex with

holy shit unless that person’s a

total douchebag

you know you like it really like hooked on them

like puppy love is brutal

you know that’s

what they call

you’re inexperienced in the incredible connection

and you as you get

older you learn how to manage that

connection but the

connection is real

and if you’re a

grown adult

and you know you’re

especially if

you’re in a position to take advantage of this kid

you know they’re

young and naive and

silly and you’re fucking them

that’s a weird

thing you know

then again a lot of

twenty year olds are

horny as fuck

and they want some dick

i’m not telling you what to do

do whatever you want to do but to me

why not you know

girls eighteen that’s like a baby to me it’s

that’s a little

child i like

women you know

i don’t like them old

i don’t even like my age

but it’s women are more fun

i like people talk to people don’t you

some dude josh jitsu says i’m twenty three

well good for you you young little whippersnapper

when i was twenty three i was fucking retarded

all right i was a complete total dumbass

so i hope you were smarter than me sir because

life can be tough when you’re stupid

you know and if you we all come from a different

place you know we all have a different

you know different

starting point that’s what it is you know

some people

their parents are super cool and real open and

their dads their best friend and

you know and

their dad was you know

very educated

and intelligent and raised them you know very

in a very smart way

and i know that person is a huge head start

huge huge huge head

start in life if your parents are cool

my parents are

divorced when i was a little kid my you know my stepdad

came in the

picture when i was

seven he was

twenty four

and imagine if you were

twenty four years

old and you know actually i was five when he came into

picture you were

twenty four years old and

you have a fucking

five year old kid hanging around with you

you know so if he came in the

picture when i was five then he was like

twenty two that’s

young as fuck

you know to be

that young and

to be around someone else’s kid someone else’s

loud ass kid

you know that’s hard to deal with

so a lot of you out there

maybe you my

twenty three year old friend

maybe you have a head

start you know

maybe you’ll be

smarter than me when you were 23 than when i was 23

but i think

what what i was talking

about recently with a friend of mine

was that guys like michael

jackson or you know or anybody that i know that’s

exceptional

almost everybody i know

that’s really

exceptional in anything had kind of a fucked up

childhood i

think that’s really

weird you know

people that i know that are

like all my friends that are like really good comics

all my friends that are

like really good artists

all of them had fucked up childhoods

what are you doing showing the beginning

thing again

showing the beginning

thing again yeah

that beginning

thing’s pretty badass

i think you know

i think it’s horrible

you know that people have fucked up

childhoods but i think

there’s something

something that comes out of that right

yeah like when you’re in balanced it’s like

your your ride is so much rockier

but there’s so much more energy behind it it’s like

if you can get

a hold of it and and control your personality and

and figure out a way to stabilize it

it’s like you have so much more thrust

than a person is content

but it might be unhealthy

final words

final words listen bitches i ain’t got no final words

take a couple of these questions in the

forums joe rogan net website before we bail

this is fucking question

what is your take

on the global

freeman on the land movement

what do you think without law and

order people will generally maintain the

peace or descended to anarchy that’s hilarious

some people are just waiting for shit to fall apart man

you know how many people do we have on our message

board this is a dude

named forty two kang

just listen to the

first question what

is your take on the global freeman on the land movement

fuck are you talking about man

what does that mean

what is it what are you saying

dude what’s your take you man

this is my favorite

thing when people go man you’re

gonna have to

gold is gonna become what’s valuable our

money’s gonna fall

apart man it’s

gonna be only

thing that’s

gonna be worth something is gold reeling

did you ever

watch mad max you

stupid fuck

when society falls

apart you’re

gonna need a car and guns and gasoline okay

you’re not gonna need gold

nobody gives a fuck about that

stupid yellow

metal you’re

gonna need bullets

okay you’re

gonna need food and a place to

sleep that’s warm

you know i’m saying

the fuck you doing gold

gold isn’t worth anything

pussy and guns

that’s that’s all

those are valuable assets

cars that’s important a

house that’s important

preferably surrounded by

chain link fence

and dogs okay

that’s what you’re

gonna need you’re not

gonna need gold you dumb fuck

what do i think

about james tony

fighting the

ufc i’m a huge

james tony fan he was an awesome boxer

still is an awesome boxer

but you know

i don’t know if he’s really into it if he’s really

into it he’s a fucking you know he’s a fucking champion

a guy’s so good at boxing he can get

wrestling if you really who knows

maybe he’s been

watching this

shit for years we don’t know everybody’s talking shit

he might have been

secretly working on his

wrestling he

might have a six brawl

if you gotta

stand up with that dude he’s got four

ounce clubs

he’s gonna fuck you up oh damn

james tony boxing with you that guy’s

gonna fuck you up

i don’t know how he eats

those leg kicks though

like kicks my fuck them

up get a guy like race ifo in there with them boom boom

those fucking

thunderous tree

trunk leg kicks

slamming down on your meat

making your legs buckle

you only took a couple of

those bitches

are you on page

three yet no

well i have

everything set up so there’s a hundred images

or a hundred posts why

am i excited

about coming to toronto have i ever been no i’ve

never been to toronto and i can’t fucking wait

your wife has nice tits madapoo

very nice tits

he told me to say that

he said tell my wife she has nice tits

she does she has nice tits

congratulations sir

i’m reading the page man

you not see

he said i’m just seeing if he’s reading the page really

he had to say

that because you didn’t want to be bragging

about your wife’s

tits you know

what does it say

about being drunk is better

smoking weed and fucking is just awesome

being drunk is better when it comes to eating

pussy though really

not in my opinion

in my opinion being

drunk is better when it comes to eating ass

because that’s the only time i do it

cause i never eat ass when i’m sober

the only time you eat ass when

you’re sober is when you just got out of jail

when you’re when you’re high

you don’t want

to eat ass either but i i’ll eat the fuck out of some

pussy when i’m hot mmm

you just you like

it depends if

megan fox ass i’ll eat that anytime of it

yeah anytime

of the day eat that ass fuck yeah what if it’s all poo

it doesn’t matter

you don’t care no you even wipe it off

or just dive in there oh

wipe it off with your mouth i’ll

start with the hair

well that’s why i

think it’s important to drink

drinking the reason why

drinking and eating ass

goes in hand in hand is the alcohol kills the e coli

i mean when you’re

drinking jack and cokes and you eating ass

the alcohol is killing any bad bacteria that alcohol is

flushed your whole

system with poison

nothing’s growing in that

no no bacteria

is gonna take hold

it’s gonna get swallowed up in that

whole antiseptic

chemical reaction

that the jack and coke has

that’s why you really

think you can eat ass when you’re

on jack and coke

when you’re high you don’t want to eat ass

but when you’re

high like this is probably not the best idea

what if i get sick

you know where you put like

metal in there and it

cleans the metal did you see

know that what

if you take jewelry and put it in a can of coke

it just dissolves all this shit

out of coke in a frog

yeah if you

put a frog in a

thing of coke like a dead frog

it just eats all

the skin away and just bone makes it bone is that true

folks or is that one of those

those dude that

looks dangerous

because i heard that the taking the

paint off cars was bullshit is that bullshit

i don’t think so

snopes anyone do

you know one of the best

things to clean your

grill is coke

really yeah

damn in a rag

but you know what

the doctors when you having like a fucking

barbecue sandwich

a nice goddamn cold coke

tastes pretty fucking delicious

right so barbecue pork pulled pork sandwich mmm

all right ladies and gentlemen

i think that’s

gonna be the end we’re

gonna take one more question so we end on a high note

but we are enjoying the fuck out of this

here’s this to disclosure product has 400

witnesses proving

et life exists

even astronauts

listen just

cause you have 400 people saying

that they’ve seen ufos that does not mean there’s ufos

that means you

have 400 people that say they’ve seen ufos

and they might really believe they seen ufos

but you know they have a real problem that hunters

have a real problem and

this happens all over the

world where

the most experienced hunters

are the ones

that wind up accidentally killing people

and the reason being is that

these guys when

your experienced hunter

you know that sometimes your window of opportunity

where you get a shot at a deer

is real short

you gotta be able to

react the deers

right there through the trees

done you gotta be able to shoot

and people see

things that aren’t there

and one of the

things they all say

universally

when they have an accident

and these are like good people church

going people no anger

no violence issues

guys are just love hunting

they say they

swear they saw a deer they

swear they saw a deer

one guy accidentally shot this son

this woman in maine

and she had

white mittens on

and he is following a deer

and this lady was in the woods and she had her

white mittens on

and he saw that

white and he said he saw the buck

he said he saw it

he said it was

right there in

front of him

and he said he

squeezed off the trigger

we don’t fully

understand how

the our consciousness

and our imagination affects what we see

it’s still very much

it’s there’s something

tricky to it

hallucinations and the bill to see

things that aren’t there

that’s real

and if someone’s in a very heightened state

if they’re in a very heightened

state like if they’re in the heightened state of

wanting to see a deer

or if they’re in the heightened

state of being in the woods in the dark and you

think you see a

monster you can see a fucking monster

you can really see it

you can convince yourself that you’ve actually seen it

if you see something

and you don’t know what it is

you will turn it into your mind and make it a

monster if you’re out in the woods and it’s

pitch black

and you stumble into a wild boar

and you barely see it

and it makes

noise and runs away

you could it

could be some

too you know

too fucking

foot tall troll man

with you know

giant fucking

furry feet and glowing eyes you

could make something up in your head

and you don’t

think you’re doing it

but you’re doing it

the human imagination and

human memory are not totally to be trusted

so unless they have actual evidence

listening to anybody talk

about ufos you have to listen to them and go

hmm maybe maybe

i’m not saying that you can’t get

you know here from

other planets i mean if you are so sophisticated

that you can

travel to this

world from another galaxy or another

solar system

why wouldn’t you be so sophisticated that you

could hide why

wouldn’t you be so sophisticated

that your ufo is

completely invisible

why wouldn’t you be totally undetectable

why wouldn’t you

mean maybe they

would just have

everything completely mastered

the idea that

you know they

would show themselves

and look like they’re dangling on a string

allow people to take

pictures and

you know and they oh

maybe they wanted us to see them

really and that’s

how they did it they just showed up in some

weird obscure

place where

you know no

no no come on man

no that’s not what they’re doing

if there really are

aliens they’re probably so alien

you can’t even recognize them

they’re probably

i think that what we recognize is what we see in our

dimension what we see in our environment we see in our

world i think

there’s probably life forms out there that exist

that are so

alien to us we don’t even have the

senses to detect them

you know and the way i’ve talked

about this before and i was talking

about farts

and that by when someone farts

if you don’t have a nose you have no idea it stinks

you there’s

literally something

going around you that’s invisible

and this sense that you have tunes into it

how do we not know that there are an infinite amount of

things that we cannot detect

that are around us all the time we don’t

it’s just guesswork

because something’s not on the same

frequency as us

something’s not

solid it’s not

tangible you can’t bang on it because

just because of that

doesn’t mean it’s not real

and if there are

aliens they’re probably so fucking alien

you can’t even see

them they’re probably on a totally different

frequency than we are

i’m not buying all

these dudes that say they’ve seen ufos

cause they really

wanna see ufos

these motherfuckers

want to see it

they have all had

experiences and something’s happened to them

but they want to see ufos

they want so bad they’ve

given up on

their jobs they’ve

given up on

their careers

they’ve decided to pursue

ufology full time

they make youtube

videos constantly they do conferences and seminars

they have a

lot of vested interests involved in the idea of flying

saucers and

ships from other planets coming to this earth

and there’s a lot of

psychological

things you have to take into consideration like why

these people want to see

these things

and when these

experiences happen

that’s another

thing people have individual

experiences

especially alien abduction

experiences

most of those

things come in the middle of the night

while people are dreaming

and when you’re

dreaming in the middle of the night your

brain is producing all sorts of

psychedelic chemicals

including dmt

the most potent

psychedelic

known to man is produced

when you’re in

heavy rem sleep

so when these people are having

these alien abduction

experiences

how do you not know that it’s not your imagination

mixed in with

psychedelic

drugs that you don’t even know you’re having

you’re having

these things and your

brain is producing

them and you’re having

these incredible fucking

psychedelic trips and

maybe you’re halfway into a

dream and you wake up

and you’re still

tripping out of

these chemicals in your fucking

brain and you

start creating

all these scenarios with your imagination next

thing you know you’re on a

spaceship why because

you’re in the middle of a fucking natural dmt trip

and if you smoke

tnt i’m just dumb people that want

money joe actually

there’s some people that aren’t dumb though

there’s some people that aren’t dumb that have real

experiences

know i’ve seen

their interviews i’ve read

stuff they have i’ve read all the john mac books

john pay attention whores

some of them yes

they vary it’s there’s no one

you can’t generalize

people have had ufo

experiences

but the any

any supernatural phenomenal

out of the ordinary

experience has to be considered

in all sorts of different ways

where’s the evidence and what else

could it have been

and when you look at

what time these

things are taking

place almost universally they take

place late at

night when people

especially alien abduction

experiences

almost universally take

place late at

night and when

these people have

these experiences they’re all like sleeping

they’re all

half out of it and something happens to them

it’s much more likely an endogenous dump of

psychedelic chemicals

ladies and gentlemen i’m no

expert my disclaimer

i don’t know what the fuck i’m talking

about this is

all shit that i’ve read on the internet and

watch documentaries on and

learned when i was in my isolation tag

stoned we’ve had a good time here today

brian did you have a good time

fifty percent of the time

fifty percent of time

what what didn’t you like

about today

i’ve heard a lot of it before yes

that’s the problem

when these subjects

come up a lot of times i’ve said i’ve talked

about all this shit many times before but

brian has to realize there’s

a lot of people out there that have not seen me talk

about all these

things before and when

interesting subjects like this come up you know you

gotta you gotta address it you know

i think it’s there important

things to talk about

but we had a good fucking time

thank you very much we’re

gonna do this

every week like i said i upgraded my internet today

finally it’s up so now i can get

brian here beside us and we can load

videos up and shit and

like i said behind us we’re

gonna put up a

green screen

and when we put up the green

screen we’re

gonna be able to

have like a

space background and shit

i got all kinds of cool

things coming on and we’re

gonna do this

every week fuck it it’s fun i enjoy it

next week i’m

gonna try to

bring on my boy joey diaz

maybe eddie bravo will join us as well

maybe ari shafir

will join us we

might have a

whole party in here

cause next week i’m

gonna have a big

couch in here

so thank you very much

i had a good time you

motherfuckers

if you want to come see me do

stand up if you’re in

miami i’m at the

lincoln theatre

in miami on the

22nd which is i

think it’s next saturday and next friday

next friday next friday

next friday the so

nine days from today

so thank you very much everybody let’s play that

thing on full

screen that’s all end

thank you very much

love you bitches

see you next week

new pronounce