Aware & Aggravated - 3. My Awakening at EDC

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Hi everyone, I’m fresh off of bawling my fucking eyes out.

I finally stopped because I turned off Rufus Dussault.

I just had him in the background just like serenading me and all my Pisces placements,

just crying my fucking eyes out.

But I just had a really good conversation with my dad who I never really talk deep to.

You know dads, you just don’t fucking get into certain shit.

I want to share something that he told me and then we’re going to get into my whole

EDC trip because bitch, you got to fucking buckle your seatbelt for that one because

there was a lot of realizations that came from EDC.

It’s my first rave, my first festival, we’re going to get all into that.

So the biggest thing that made me fucking boohoo like a toddler, he told me if everything

went bad and the world was ending and he had to walk through shit with somebody, he would

choose me.

And that like meant so much to me.

I didn’t think that he had ever seen me for me and I’ve been really struggling with believing

that people see my value.

Like I’ve been struggling with feeling useful to others and like worth a fuck, really.

So that just like validated the absolute fuck out of everything I’ve been insecure about.

And it made me feel really, really good and I boohooed like a little bitch about it because

I think it was like really deep.

And I’m going to flip this into something that everybody can learn from.

So you just got to look through life and find the person that you would walk through shit

with or find the person that would want to walk through shit with you.

Because that’s the person that’s going to see you and see you fully and appreciate you

fully and see your strengths and your weaknesses and not be scared by your weaknesses.

They’re going to see your strengths and be like, yes, this is someone that I want with

me because I’m sure there’s other people that look at me and like, ew, I would never

like want to like Leo would not, I don’t know who the fuck would look at me and think Leo’s

not the person I would call if I needed help.

But I’m sure there are people out there that think that that don’t know me.

But the people that do know me know I’m the motherfucker to call.

And it’s just a matter of finding the people that know you’re the one to call.

You’re capable of meeting needs for people, you’re important to people, you just have

to find the people you’re important to.

You have to find the people with the needs that you meet, and the people that can realize

your value.

And that also ties into like, it takes someone of value to realize someone else’s value.

But we could do a whole fucking like episode on value because shit, that’s, I don’t want

to cry no more.

All right.

So another thing my dad said to me is, he knows in his heart that I’m going to be successful.

And I feel like he’s been watching me struggle so much, and especially with this app, this

fucking goddamn app that I’m so frustrated with right now.

But I’ve put so much time and money and effort into it.

And I’m in the middle of making really big changes to it.

And it’s taking up a lot of my fucking time.

And for him to like, see that I’m struggling, and say he believes in me like God like it

just felt so good.

All the feel good feelings, bitch, like, oh my god, they were hitting me.

Because I feel like I’m going to be successful.

I just feel it in me.

I’m going to be successful.

And it’s such a mindfuck.

And it’s such a battle with myself when I feel it, I feel that I’m meant to be successful

and to do something big and to help people and like, do some like, Leo type shit.

And it’s not happening on the outside.

Like when you feel something internally, and it’s not reflecting externally.

It’s the biggest fucking gaslight, in my opinion, like my real my life is gaslighting me.

That’s how it fucking feels.

But him saying that just made me feel like, okay, someone else sees it, someone else feels

what I feel.

It just felt really good.

So moral of the story, validate people, motherfucking see people voice your appreciation of them

to them.

And I’m gonna say this shit out loud, because I was on the verge of goddamn losing it today.

And like him saying that really just like, turned it around for me.

So you never know when someone’s struggling, because I don’t let people know.

So please, if you feel drawn to like, tell somebody how great they are, tell them, because

you never know.

Okay, now let’s get into EDC because this was some shit.

All right, like it was the best time of my life.

I didn’t even know what to expect.

And it was better than my wildest dreams.

That’s the only way I can describe it.

Sorry, that’s all it’s all I got for you.

No, it was my first festival.

Like I said, it was my first rave of any kind.

I’ve recently gotten into EDM music.

And that shit rocked my socks off.

The people I went with were like friends, but like they were like, acquaintance-y friends.

Like we were, we weren’t close, but like we was friends.

I don’t know how to explain it.

We were like going out friends and like spending the weekend with those friends made us tight.

And I feel like I am bonded to them.

And if they don’t feel the same way, that’s a problem because because I get attached to

people and if you don’t get attached to me back, I’m pissed off.

But I was introduced to two other friends through my other friends that I went with.

And these two bitches are like, oh my god, like we’re all besties for the resty now.

Like I swear to God, the way that this group clicked, it could not have gone any better.

Everybody was so fucking cute.

Everybody was self-sufficient.

Everybody was like mature.

And what I mean by mature is like, we could handle our fucking self.

I know I sound like I’m wheezing.

I’ve been sick.

Leave me alone.

But the podcast needs to be done, bitch.

I committed to Sundays.

So here we go.

I just needed to express my gratitude for this fucking group and this whole experience

before I get into telling you my realizations that I had.

Okay, so I, in the wise words of Lana Del Rey, was pushing past the limits, tripping

on hallucinogenics for three days straight.

And you’re bound to have some motherfucking realizations because your brain and your soul

be like buttfucking.

And you’re like getting downloads from the universe and all the other things.

I mean, you might be just making shit up because some things are a little like meh, but I realized

the whole bunch.

My sexual ass was eating it up.

Let’s start off with the first day.

So the set that we were seeing was said the sky but say my name came on right before them.

So they did their set and then say my name came on.

And when I tell you I motherfucking boo hoode ugly cried for I shit you not an hour.

It was like half of each set.

I was fucking rubber band mouth fucking like ugly fucking crying in the crowd.

But I didn’t let that stop me.

I was still singing.

I was still fist bumping.

I was still dancing.

Give a fuck what I look like, bitch.

Don’t look at me.

I was having a time of my life.

It just felt so good to let it out.

Like I just let that shit out and I let the tears fall.

And it was just a great beautiful moment for me.

Okay, so the realization that triggered me to cry.

There was two things kind of so like the first part that triggered me to start crying

initially was my own personal shit.

I’m not gonna tell nobody.

All right, leave me alone.

You could you like crying for an hour?

Like I said, like that’s excessive, you know, like, what the fuck were you crying for an

hour to do, baby.

So I start crying because of the first thing.

And then like, I guess being in the emotionally receptive state I was in the universe threw

me a fucking realization.

And that’s what made me cry for another like 30 minutes.

We’re gonna start real broad.


So guys, the motive behind every action a human being takes is simply to feel better.

Now, don’t fight me on that because I know how you girls like to tussle about your technicalities.

Shut the fuck up and just take that in for a second.

If you look at every single action a human being takes, we take it to feel better.

At the base, any fucking action, we think it’s going to make us feel better.

So I had this overwhelming sense like looking out in this crowd of people 300,000 people

were at this fucking rave, dude.

I’ve I don’t even know that many people exist.

Like I see it on social media.

I see the numbers but like I didn’t realize that’s like a thing.

Like I was like, this is the whole United States here.

I don’t understand numbers and population or geography, but that’s separate.

To see all these people like in one place, like that many human beings, damn y’all.

So like I look, I was looking out backwards, like in the crowd because we were kind of

close to the stage and people were like, it would go back as far as I could see.

I’m tall y’all.

So I could see like real far and I could see back to a certain extent and I thought the

people ended, but I just couldn’t see past it.

So my ugly ass is sitting here thinking, oh, this is just how many people is that this

one stage?

No, because I saw an aerial bird’s eye view on the Instagram of EDC later on, bitch, when

I tell you there was so many fucking people, if I would have known there was that many

people there, while I was there, I had a panic attack and died right there on the spot.

Because it was literally a sea of people.

Like once I realized, oh my god, I wouldn’t have been able to move once I see the amount

of people there.

I would have lost my shit.

But anyway, back to the realization head ass, why are you getting all off topic?

So I look back in the crowd of people, and I just start seeing all these just genuine

little like, kids, like little souls, like just little innocent little like people like

everybody’s motive is just to feel better.

And it’s like, I know people do fucked up shit.

And there’s no excuse for it.

But like, the intention for everybody is so pure, like everybody just wants to feel better.

And it like immediately in that moment, all my judgment of people was like lifted off

of me.

And I can explain it like it lifted off because that’s how it felt.

It’s like everything just like lifted up.

And the whole crowd was like, bare, not naked, but like everybody’s facade and everybody’s

bullshit and everybody’s like, way they want to be perceived and everything was like lifted


And you could see the true intention of everybody was just to be loved and accepted and to feel


Because everybody at that rave is looking to escape their fucking life and go have fun.

Why are we at the rave to feel better?

Like just seeing everyone so genuine and like pure.

And everybody’s motives were just there like, in front of me, it was the coolest fucking

thing to experience.

And it was just so nice.

And it was such a relief because I instantly felt connected to every single human being


And then I started thinking about every other human being in the world.

And I was like, Nope, too much.

We’re just gonna reel it in.

And we’re just gonna focus on this crowd.

So I was like, I felt connected to everybody because I can relate to that we’re all doing

the same shit.

Okay, so now let’s get a little bit deeper.

When it comes to the judgments that I said were lifted, they were lifted because I realized

every single person is lost.

Every single person, if our motive is just to feel better, everybody is doing what they

think will make them feel better.

Because nobody actually fucking knows.

So for example, we see shit on social media, we see someone that is successful, and they’re

rich, okay.

And they seem happy, they paint the image that they’re happy.

So we look at that and we’re like, Oh my god.

So being rich is what’s gonna make us happy.

I mean, bitch, it sure as fuck will, it sure as fuck would me.

So I don’t know why I’m talking about this.

But just my example that just popped in my head.

We see someone portray the image that money is what made them happy.

So now we all start looking to achieve this, we’re like, Oh my god, they found the secret.

Oh my god, that’s gonna make me feel better.

I need to do that.

I need to find that I need to make that I need to figure out how to do that.

Because that’s what’s gonna make me happy.

And then people start trying to do that.

But it’s not just about money.

It’s about everything.

Anything that we see, make someone else happy.

We subconsciously are like, Oh my god, you get excited, you want to do that you want

to try that.

Now, your beliefs and shit could hold you back from that you might have negative associations

with certain things that can hold you back.


I’ll give you an idea for two seconds, that we’re all just lost little children running

around trying to fucking feel better.

None of us know what to do.

None of us have it figured out.

We are all just trying and modeling after each other how to get it.

But the thing is, every single person is different.

We all have different wants and needs.

So happiness looks different for all of us.

Because going to a rave made me happy as a motherfucker, somebody else would have a goddamn

anxiety attack and would have lost their shit.

And there was such a relief that came with that.

Like once I realized, nobody has it figured out.

Like we’re all just trying our best.

We all have this same little intention and it’s so cute and it’s so like sweet, our little

intention of like, I just want to feel better.

And like, that’s just what it is.

And we’re all just trying to achieve that in some way or another.

And then you start looking at the ways people do that and you realize, well, you can’t blame


Like that’s all they were taught.

That’s what they were shown was happiness.

Like, I thought for a long time, designer clothes and expensive shit would make you

happy because that’s what I saw on social media.

And that’s what the people around me thought too.

So why would I not mirror that if you’re told this is what should do it?

Oh, fuck it.

I’ll try it.

And then some people don’t ever make it out of their coping mechanism.

Some people don’t ever make it out or realize that what they’re trying to do to gain happiness

is not actually it.

They just keep going for more and more and more.

I luckily woke up and I am going to do an entire episode about designer clothing and

buying expensive shit because that is something I never thought I would have been able to

break out of.

And I broke the fuck out of it.

So that’s going to be its own thing.

But that was just the example.

So I saw some guy at the rave in a full Prada outfit.

Like it was like an astronaut fit.

It was silver.

Like it was sick as fuck.

But like I was looking at him and I was like, Oh my God, like he looks good.

Like he looks cute.

And like he had the perfect hair, the perfect teeth, the perfect skin.

I was like, goddamn.

So I went up to him and I was like, yo, I was like, you look so fucking good.

I was like, is that a full Prada fit?

And he was like, yeah.

And I was like, damn.

I was like, you ballsy as shit wearing that here.

I was like, you look good though.

Keep doing it.

And then I walked off.

I kept doing my thing.

Like I just, I like to drop compliments and leave, you know, or I’ll compliment them as

I’m walking by.

So there’s no chance for it to be awkward.

I don’t need a response.

I don’t need to thank you.

Like I just want to appreciate you out loud and let you know you look fucking good as

I’m making my way by.

But the reason I’m using this boy as my example in the Prada fit is because some people look

at other people in designer clothes and think, oh my God, what a fucking stuck up asshole.

What a waste of fucking money.

What a loser.

How out of touch can you be?

Like people have really harsh judgments of people in designer clothing.

I used to be one of the people in designer clothing, so I know how like they get judged.

But the point of me using the boy in the Prada fit as an example is because with this realization

I had, I saw the intention.

His intention with wearing these clothes was to make him feel better.

Whatever reason it may be to prove his importance, to make him feel more confident, whatever

he thought it was going to do, he thought it was going to make him feel better.

I used to be the same way, but I’m somebody now that I look at people that are fully perfect

hair, perfect skin, perfect nails, perfect shoes, perfect outfit.

Everything’s expensive.

How stiff they are and how uncomfortable they are.

You’re in your head the entire time.

You don’t want to ruin your shit.

How do I look?

Are people looking at me?

Oh my God.

Like you’re in your head the whole time and it kind of pulls you out of whatever experience

you’re having when you’re worried about fucking up your outfit or fucking up your hair or

making sure your makeup looks okay.

Like these people are putting their self through this because they think it’s what will make

them happy.

The social media paints the fucking picture of you need to fucking have perfect hair,

perfect outfit, perfect nails.

You’re supposed to have all this shit and look together and perfect at every moment

and there is no room for error.

So these people try to mirror that and they try to be that.

That’s the expectation they hold for themselves.

So being out in public when this boy in his fucking outfit with his perfect makeup and

his hair and his Prada outfit, yeah, he’s uncomfortable.

It’s absolute fuck.

He is so uncomfortable and you can see it.

He’s worried about who’s looking at him.

He’s making sure his outfit’s okay and no one spilled anything on it or he didn’t rip

it or he didn’t fuck up his fucking $5,000 outfit, however much it was, but it probably

was like around five grand cause he had the little necklace too.

But him dressing like this and wearing this is because he thinks it will make him feel


He thinks enduring being uncomfortable will make him feel better.

So some people that are jealous or mad or whatever it may be, they’re looking at him

and judging him like he’s a fucking stuck up asshole when in reality he’s just trying

to feel better.

And once you see that intention, once you’re aware of everyone’s intention is just to feel

better, the judgment falls away.

It like dissolves.

You realize that you can kind of see through it.

It becomes transparent.

That’s the fucking word.

Like you can see through and like peek behind the curtain into everyone.

And it’s sad when you start to wake up and you see people still doing this shit because

I was this motherfucker for so many years.

I was him.

I were, I was these people that were trying to be perfect and dress in nice clothes and

nice shit just so I can feel worth a fuck.

But like with that situation, if that’s what they’ve been told, how would they know any


How would they know to not seek designer clothing?

That’s what they’ve been told.

Like why would they?

You know what I mean?

Like expecting someone to know the fucking answer is ridiculous.

So you can’t really judge them for how they try and find their happiness.

And a lot of the times with people that are really successful, a lot of people judge them

and think they’re stuck up in their assholes and they think they’re better than everyone.

Half of them are not half of them are so cripplingly insecure that you have no fucking clue.

Some of them are fucking obnoxious assholes.

I get it.

You really never know.

But even the intention behind them is just to try and feel better too.

But they’re just the ones that are loudly trying to voice their worth and put it in

your face when they’re bragging.

But the ones that are quietly wearing like designer shit are like, look, I promise I’m

important and I’m not making fun of these people by any means because I get it.

I’m just trying to share that the intention behind everyone is just to feel better.


To take it one step deeper.

So everybody’s intention is to feel better, right?

We covered that.

No one knows the fucking answer, but we’re all seeking the experience of feeling better.

So what does that mean?

This is step three, bitch.

You can’t fucking get it wrong.


Like that’s the third realization.

You cannot get this life wrong.

Every single person’s experience and definition of what happy is for them is different.

No one fucking knows what you’re meant to do.

There is no cheat sheet.

There is no nothing.

Your life is to experience your version of happy.

So let’s say you try 50 different things and they’re not it.


That ain’t it.

Now you’re at 50 steps closer in the right direction of what is going to make you happy.

You learn by contrast.

Sometimes when you experience something you don’t like, you find something you do like,

you just flip it.

But that was such a huge relief for me is to realize you can’t fuck up.

You can’t get it wrong.

No one’s definition of happiness is wrong.

If it works for them, it’s theirs.

They can have that.

If something makes someone feel better, that’s theirs.

And there is no one thing you’re meant to find.

I don’t believe that there’s one thing like this whole idea of fucking soulmates and shit.

Eat my ass.


What kind of sick fucking game is that?

We’re going to throw two people on earth, make them be soulmates, but we’re not going

to put them near each other.

They’re just going to have to figure it out and find each other.

And if they don’t find each other, they die.

Shut the fuck up.

Leave me alone with that.


Same thing with like desire and trying to feel better.

I don’t think there’s just one way to do it for every person.

I think every person has their own ways of doing it.

You just have to experience things and find them.

And I think they’re always going to change.

So it’s not like, oh, you’re working toward this one goal.

You find it and you’re done.

You win.

You beat life.

Like they’re always changing because you’re always becoming aware of new things.

And once you have a desire for something and you reach it, you’re going to get a desire

for something else.

And then you get to follow that like it’s a never ending search of feeling better and

feeling better and feeling better and it will happen.

And everything you experience is to lead you into the direction of what’s going to make

you feel better.

You have new awareness of what’s going to make you feel better than you currently do.

Like that one blew my fucking brain apart.

Your life is about discovering yourself.

Discovering what makes you happy and makes you feel better.

And if you know something you don’t like, you know a fucking direction not to go.

I know it sounds so simple and I’m making it seem like it is simple, but it is simple.

I’m someone that overthinks everything as you can tell if you’ve made it this far in

this podcast or if you listen to any of my other episodes, I’d be overthinking the fuck

out of everything you could put in front of me.

And that really bites me in the ass sometimes because when things are simple, I don’t think

that they’re just simple.

Like I will overanalyze it and make it difficult.

Like just let it be simple.

You know, I can’t do that though.

But this is one of the things I do just have to let be simple and accept for what it is.

And it’s that you can’t get this life wrong.

And the intention of every single person is just to feel better.

So stop fucking judging everybody so goddamn hard y’all.

I highly recommend going to EDC.

I will be going every year now.

Like I went once and now I’m addicted.

I only talked about in this episode, the realizations I had and how like great they were.

Those were just a speck of what made my experience so great.

The everything about EDC was great.

Like I can’t, what the fuck other word is there besides great?

Where’s my synonyms?

Where’s my fucking thesaurus?

I need to look some shit up.

I need to find another word besides great, but there’s no word to really encapsulate

what that whole experience was for me.

But every element of it, there was so much more to it than just, Oh, you fucking tripped

and had realizations like no bitch.

There was so much more to it.

The people that I met, like how fucking full my heart was, my whole perception of myself

has changed.

My whole perception of my body, my opinion of my body, the way that I look at myself,

it’s all changed.

I feel like I saw myself for the first time, girl, I sound real dramatic, but it’s the

fucking truth.


So my recommendation is save whatever money you have to save.

Go do what you got to do.

Get your ass to an EDC if it ever comes near you or fucking go bitch, because we had to

drive six hours, like literally go.

I will be going every year for the rest of my life.

I will be that old 60 year old man that is still out raving like a motherfucker.

Watch me like that experience was just so unforgettable and life changing for so many

reasons and the realizations were just one.

So if you ever get the opportunity to go, go, go live it up.

Go have fun.

Go enjoy your fucking life and find what makes you feel better.

It might just be EDC because bitch, it sure as shit was for me.

All right.

I will talk to you guys in episode four next week.

See you later.