Aware & Aggravated - 62. Achieving Too Much Too Fast

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Hi friends! We’re starting this episode off with a shot because we have a lot to

celebrate a lot of things to be happy about and I’m gonna basically run you

through why am I holding it like it’s my own prized possession I’m gonna run you

through what the fuck’s happened this week because my entire reality has just

broken in the best way possible and I’m gonna literally like relive the week

with you and tell you all the fucking shit that’s happened and then get

vulnerable like I always do and like tell you some other shit but I have to

get ready to go out because I’m gonna go celebrate and also I have to go out

because my cousin’s birthday so we have a lot of things to cheers about so we’re

gonna take a shot like get the pregame but I have to film a podcast cuz it’s

Saturday night so I’m a little late this week because everything that’s been

happening I’ve been so busy so many good things I don’t have a chaser it’s just

water so we’re gonna have to chase for the fucking prayer I guess come on God

help okay cheers to everything I’m about to tell you about I feel so

fucking skinny okay let’s jump into this so my whole life I’ve always felt like

my life has been a gaslight and what I mean by that is like I always have felt

like I make so many shifts internally and so much changes inside of me and I’m

just waiting on my reality to catch up and it’s been the most frustrating

experience of my fucking life but after this week I feel like my reality is 20

steps ahead and I’m trying to catch up it’s like one thing after another and

I’m just like bro what the fuck hold pump the brakes but don’t like it’s so

many good things I’m like I can’t slow down I can’t stop like nothing I don’t

want anything that’s happening to stop cuz it’s so good it’s like a positive

overwhelm and I’ve never fucking felt that before all I’m used to is

disappointment I don’t know how to fucking deal with good shit happening

and like so many good things going on that I’m so busy and like overwhelmed

but I have a very high tolerance of disappointment because that’s what I’m

fucking used to but after this week I’ve had to learn and like fix my

relationship to good things happening to me but basically my entire reality broke

and the person you see sitting in front of you or sitting on your screen hey or

the person you’re listening to is totally new and for the first time a lot

has shifted in me but also outside of me and when I mean by like my entire

reality broke so many of my thought patterns so many of my beliefs about

life my hopes my dreams all this bullshit that just sounds so nice girl

it can happen it’s very fucking real and I’m as like normal as you can get like

where you get me it’s like your little bestie telling you this shit it’s like

you’re watching all these good things happen to me and I promise it can happen

for you too like I was the person that was watching people’s YouTube talking

about how they hit a million followers on social media cuz I hit a million on

tik-tok I was the one that was always watching people’s tik-toks like how they

moved away from their hometown I’m like how did they figure it out how did they

make money how did people grow on social media and now I am the person that other

people are watching because I did it like when I ran away and moved to

Houston like this was the best decision I ever made in my fucking life

something was just telling me to do it and I did and I just listened and I’m

like holy fuck the things that line up when you pay attention to your intuition

no better feeling but a lot of my beliefs were just broken this week and

the level of support that I feel from you guys is different like it’s so much

more different I knew you guys supported me but I dropped my clothing and it

completely sold the fuck out in like three and a half days like sold out like

all of it and I thought like maybe one or two things would sell out like after

a month no bitch every single fucking thing gone

poof out of stock huh but let me rewind a little bit I’m gonna take you through

the last four days cuz it hasn’t even been a week it’s just been the last four

days that have been like whoa cuz I dropped everything on Wednesday so let’s

go for day one of the launch everything that’s happened because so many things

have happened that are related to the launch and the clothing and so many

things are unrelated that are just like weird the coincidences and the things

that are just lining up all at once okay so day one dropped my merch and the

first 20 minutes I got 200 orders I literally was sitting here at my

computer like posting all of my posts online like I was trying to post on all

my different social medias that it’s live post the links everywhere and I was

like watching the orders just keep going and I literally was shaking like I

was already like this like I was just in here looking at my computer like bugging

out like I have my phone in my hand I was trying to post my stories I was

trying to post on my social media like oh my god it’s dropped yay and like I

had to keep functioning even while I was like freaking the fuck out like I was

already shaking like a fucking little chihuahua not out of fear but just out

of so much overwhelm of like what the fuck is happening I was geeking out like

I was like on a whole bunch of extracurriculars I was on none I was

higher on life for the first time so when I dropped this clothing I truly

didn’t think that many people would buy it I like figured like 500 things would

sell like after a month girl we got 200 orders in the first 20 minutes and at

the end of the day the end of day one there was a thousand orders and some

orders had multiple items and shit I was literally like what the fuck is my

life dude like this doesn’t happen to me I watch this happen to other people but

like the fact that it was happening to me I couldn’t wrap my mind around it and

something happened to me that revealed a lot about like myself it’s kind of my

like emotional switch like I can turn my emotions off like a switch I just turn

them off and I get into fix-it mode it’s like it comes from nursing but also like

my childhood and like having to handle certain shit I have the ability to

switch my emotions off and feel nothing and just be strategic and like cold and

focused and do whatever needs to be done like a patient can be dying in front of

me and all the emotions go off and I get into fix-it mode and I will handle the

situation at hand whenever I feel too strongly of any like fear worry anxiety

heartbreak I switch off and I can’t control it it just switches off and my

body gets to stimulate like a trauma response I don’t fucking know but my

body just switches off and it gets ready to handle anything in front of it I’m

like fight-or-flight mode I don’t flight I fight I deal with the situation so my

body gets ready like that and in the middle of the launch I was so this is

the first time it’s ever happened to me I was so overwhelmed with so many

emotions like I was on the verge of tears but like also like freaking out

trying to post everything and then all of a sudden it turned off and I like

went out like I like checked out and like it numbed out and that feeling came

back of like handle it and I was like whoa because this is the first time I’ve

ever switched off because I was so overwhelmed by positive feelings and I

was like no wait come back come back like never in my life have I ever been

so overwhelmed by joy and happiness that I go numb ever it’s always the bad

emotions like the fear the worry like the heartbreak it all switches off for

that but my body switched off because I was so fucking happy and usually what

happens when my body switches off is whatever situation at hand I have to

handle that’s caused me to feel so freaked out I’ll handle it and then like

a week a month later all of a sudden it’s like that situation switches back

on and like I process everything I was feeling and I’ll like have a fucking

breakdown and like it all comes back and I have to deal with it and face it and I

literally when I went numb I got so excited because I was like when this

shit switches back on it’s the first time I’m gonna be so overwhelmed with

happiness and not fear and heartbreak and sadness like I’m so excited for when

that shit switches on and when I really truly realize the situation that I’m

going through like I’m so fucking excited for it y’all get it y’all fully

fucking get it but I just want to say thank you like holy fuck like what y’all

have just done for me I’m like what the hell but I’m not even like two steps

into all the good shit that’s happened okay we got to keep going so day one we

hit a thousand fucking orders JWoww followed me bitch on tik-tok the

fucking JWoww Ginny Farley followed me and when I posted that I had like 200

sales in 20 minutes on my tik-tok story she fucking commented congratulations

and then I get a notification of an order and it’s fucking JWoww she

literally ordered some of my fucking merch and I lost my mind like I don’t

fangirl of a fucking nobody but JWoww come on anyone that’s like big or famous

I don’t fangirl over nobody I don’t give nobody that satisfaction of like oh

you like fangirl over me no but JWoww yeah I will and I was just so in a state

of like what the fuck like little me grew up watching JWoww little me grew up

watching Jersey Shore and loving that shit and like the fact that someone that

I used to watch and respect and look up to so much knows who I am likes me

follows me comments on all my fucking videos and then ordered my fucking merch

what literally I still don’t know what the fuck to do it myself I keep saying I

don’t know what to do with myself I’ve said it a hundred times the last couple

of days but I don’t know what to do like I literally didn’t want to go to sleep

on day one because I felt like I was in a dream like all of my limiting beliefs

all of my self-doubt any worry any fear that I had poof was it gone with

everything that happened and I was just like whoa I genuinely did not want the

day to end and I’ve never had a day like that in my life I’ve always looked

forward to the next day because I’m like I get to just fucking like wash my hands

with the day before and like go to the next day it’s a new start but I didn’t

want the day to end I didn’t go to bed till like 5 a.m. because I was so

excited I was just like what the fuck is my new reality like what the fuck is

my new life like this little life I just stepped into as soon as two o’clock hit

and all my clothing launched everything flipped and like the life that I stepped

into was one that I really fucking like and I’m like holy shit like it’s mine

like it’s my life I still don’t know what to do it myself drink I don’t know


I drink that a little too smooth oh my god it’s so bad I look like an

alcoholic okay so day one I finally went the fuck to bed I was so goddamn tired

like my adrenaline had been going all day and like you know when you have like

an adrenaline spike you crash I finally crashed and I was up bright and early at

8 a.m. on three hours of fucking sleep because I was so excited to wake up and

like experience the next day and like what the fuck is gonna happen I wake up

and the day goes on and orders keep coming in and I was literally so

fucking blown away because at the end of day two I hit 1,600 orders one thousand

six hundred one six zero zero hey my five hundred I thought I was gonna get

please are you kidding universe laughing at me but day two I started like my

emotions started like picking back up and like I started like tapping back in

and I was like okay like I was taking in the situation for what it was and I just

had a great fucking day and then more influencers that I follow started

ordering my shit and I was like huh like so many people that are like big I

forget that I’m big now my god I still think I’m just normal as fuck I just

have a couple numbers next to my usernames you know what I mean like

we’re normal fuck I don’t get it I don’t see myself as like an influencer I don’t

claim that shit it’s embarrassing but it is what I am at this point so I

literally was like blown away because orders just kept coming in all day like

I was literally like cooking and my phone would be going off like I was

taking a shit and my phone was going off I was like what the fuck like it just

kept going and I was just like in fucking shock all day it was like every

time my phone went off I was so happy and I told y’all about the shit I went

through with an ex of mine where I told y’all how I got harassed so bad and for

the last two years every time my phone that’s why it’s always on do not disturb

every time my phone goes off it was like a panic or like a dread or like when

your stomach drops it’s like like what the fuck now like anytime an unknown

number text me my stomach drops still I’m still dealing with shit from that

because for like a year every time my phone went off it was more and more

devastation it was more and more harassment it was more and more shit so

like that’s still something that I deal with is every time my phone goes off I

panic that’s why I always have it muted I always have my phone muted and I like

if I’m doing anything I have it on do not disturb because there’s been so many

times where my phone will go off when I’m in the middle of something like my

stomach will drop and my heart will like skip a fucking beat for a second

I’m just like god damn it but I left my phone on loud and this whole experience

like repaired my relationship with my phone going off like I was so excited

every time my fucking phone went off and I was just like I can’t describe it like

what y’all have done for me is so much more than you fucking realize but day 2

was a lot of like influencers and people that I look up to and people that I

didn’t think would buy bought and I was just like whoa so we ended the day with

1600 orders and then day 3 is when shit got fucking wild so day 3 I wake up

orders are still trickling in it’s like slow now it’s like slowed down orders

are like coming in slowly and I’m like I’m still getting them but they’re like

slowing down I’m like okay I’m finally taking in what’s happened I’m seeing the

numbers and I’m just like what the fuck then I get an email of a confirmation of

a date to be a guest on Drew Afiolo’s podcast and if you don’t know her you

should you fucking should bitch but I had been talking to them about being on

the podcast and I didn’t really think it was gonna like happen and cuz Drew

followed me her boyfriend followed me I fucking love them obsessed with them

she’s followed me for like a few months now but I reached out and was like yo I

think we make a killer fucking podcast episode and she reached back out and was

like yes I’ll have my team like schedule you and I never heard back for like a

couple weeks I was like oh they forgot and then I got the confirmation email

and they said pick between these two dates and then you’re booked on the

podcast and I was like hi what the fuck I literally picked a date and they got

back to me like in three minutes and we’re like okay you’re booked you’re

scheduled here’s the outline and I was like this is real like it’s happening

like I’m a be on that bitch’s podcast so day three we get the fucking confirmation to go on

Drew’s podcast what the hell and I go and I have to go book a ticket I have to

go to LA so I can go be on this fucking podcast so I’m like shit okay so I start

looking up tickets I got to look up tickets and not be worried about the

cost of it because the orders were coming in and I was like Leo you have

money to spend now you can invest back into your career without stressing like

go buy yourself a fucking ticket and I got to enjoy the experience of being

booked on a huge podcast like that and also enjoy the experience of booking the

flight and not worrying like I got like the most peaceful smooth like I got

accepted I bought the flight and I’m like holy shit so I that’s another thing

I want to say thank you for like when I just talked about in my last episode

about money makes you happy y’all just gave me the ability to like enjoy the

fucking moment and the good things that are happening to me oh my I can’t put it

into words but I booked my flight and I made it for like five or six days cuz I

was like I want to see some influences when I’m there I got a lot of friends I

got a lot of people that follow me back I have a lot of like little like online

friends so I was like let me go hang out with them a lot of people are in LA so

that excitement was like bugging me the fuck out I was like what the hell’s

happening right now what you already me I was like huh so the flight is booked

I’m going to LA and I’m going on the goddamn podcast but it doesn’t stop

there so I posted a gym video on my tik-tok because I post like little

mic’d ups in the gym and where I just like talk shit when I’m at the gym and

it’s so fucking fun and y’all love it and they always like do pretty well like

I get like around like a million views and I posted one and I talked about my

rainbow sleeve hoodie that I released in the video and I was like there’s

absolutely nothing to be ashamed of about being gay and I want you to fucking

tap into my confidence every time you wear this goddamn hoodie and remember

that there’s nothing to fucking be ashamed of and I posted a tik-tok and in

just like a few hours it got like 2 million fucking views and so many people

that were watched the video bought the rainbow sleeve hoodie that I released

because I talked about it in the video and orders like started coming in again

because they had slowed down and like they started picking back up and I was

like what the fuck like I started gaining followers like crazy I started

getting sales like crazy I my fucking video blew to 2 fucking million and I

was just like oh my god like I’ve never had a video hit like 2 million views in

like six hours before that was fucking nuts usually it takes a few days but I

just felt like everything was lining up and like I finally felt supported by

like the universe if that makes sense where I do something and then things

keep happening to like help it and I’ve never experienced that before like

everything I’ve experienced is like I feel prevented I feel held back I feel

fucked with you know I mean like comically and like universally fucked

with ah but I take it back because not this time so by the end of day three I

hit 2,300 orders 2,300 orders I thought I was gonna get 500 five zero zero max

in a month in three fucking days I got 2,300 bro I still can’t believe this is

happening and like this happened I still feel like someone’s gonna pinch me and

I’m gonna wake up from a dream like that’s how my life feels right now oh my

god so we got to go into day four because day four bitch so day three I

went out with my friends at night and like went to celebrate and just like

hung out drank I woke up a little hungover and I was like fuck so I wake

up on day four which was today to seeing that it sold the fuck out and not just

one thing everything sold out I thought I was gonna sell out of like one or two

things max after like a month bitch by the fourth day every single thing was

sold out every single design every single item sold out gone vanished I was

celebrating cuz I got like a thousand orders and then you’re just gonna sell

me out like that oh I gotta go drink again I gotta go celebrate again so I’m

literally trying to take that in and then I check my phone and I get on

tic-tac and I check my profile and the video I posted yesterday of me at the

gym talking about the rainbow hoodie blew the fuck up even more and I hit a

million fucking followers on tik-tok a million I think I’m at like a million

and like 15,000 right now I’ve gained like 30 K in the last two days what I

thought I was so broken for so long I thought I was so fucked up I thought I

was so unlovable but a million fucking people like me enough to follow me and

thousands of people like me enough to buy the fucking merch I made the only

thing I can say for this entire past four days is it’s the most healing

fucking shit I’ve ever experienced like y’all healed so much for me and I can’t

put it into words I wish I could just like get a syringe and pull this feeling

out of me so I could inject it into you so you could just feel it I can’t

fucking describe it but I literally you can’t buy it I’ve tried to buy

everything you could buy anything money could buy I’ve tried to buy it nothing

makes you feel like this and I like literally am in debt to you guys for

the rest of my fucking life I don’t care if I don’t feel like this forever I

don’t care if it wears off in two days the fact that I just got to feel like

this there’s no words there’s no words I’m not even gonna try I’m just gonna

fucking say thank you from the bottom of my heart and the bottom of little Leo’s

heart because you healed the fuck out of him and I feel it so it does not stop

there I told y’all I was overwhelmed next guess who fucking follows me on

tik-tok wild guess Kehlani the artist the singer

on some nights like this I just wanna take you away that one I fucking scream

that song nights like this by Kehlani every time with my friend cat we’ve

literally been shitty booty ass drunk walking out of the bar and we’re just on

the street fucking singing our little hearts out I sound like a fucking whale I

can’t sing I sound fucked up but I be singing that shit and like and literally

one of my favorite memories is that Okachobe music festival we’re walking

back to the tent to go to bed I slept in the car but we’re walking back to the

tent and me and cat just get the fucking sing in this song again and we just like

belted it like the whole way back and like broke Kehlani followed me on

zigzag what the literal me like I don’t fangirl over nobody I told you but like

there’s a couple few people I will fangirl over if she’s one of them and

Lana Del Rey I’m a faggot I’m such a fucking faggot but like I said it

doesn’t stop there so I posted a tick-tock about me being in LA to my

friends only so on tick-tock only the people that I follow back can see that

video and I talked about being in LA and three other people asked me to be on

their podcast while I’m in LA so when I originally was going to LA for Drew’s

podcast now I’m gonna be on four podcasts total as a guest and I’m just

like what the fuck and so many people want to hang out with me like other

influencers like when I hang out with me don’t worry I’m gonna get all the tea on

everybody I’m gonna hang out with each one and fuck to find out who’s who who’s

what who’s cool who’s not and I’ll tell you that’ll be our little secret but

that was the final kicker of the fucking day like this is today like this is still

today this is day four I’m like so in shock still how can you not be all this

shit happening oh my god I’m just so used to go things like going wrong I’m

able to handle that but I don’t have like the skills really to handle things

going right I don’t fucking know how to do that I’ve never had to deal with so

many things going right I don’t know how to handle it but this experience really

made a lot of things clear for me about why I had so many bad things happen in

the past and why I couldn’t manifest certain shit for so long right you know

I feel about that shit I wasn’t able to handle it I wasn’t a match to it who I

was would not have been able to handle the opportunities that are now in front

of me who I was was not good enough for this shit couldn’t have handled it

wasn’t ready for it like everything that’s happened shaped me into someone

who could handle it so now it’s manifesting so I just want y’all to know

like if you’re trying to achieve something or accomplish something from

my new perspective of being on the other side you’re not fucking ready for it and

you’re not a match to it you’re being made a match to it so if shit just seems

like it’s going fucking wrong it’s not because everything that’s happened for

me in my past has prepared me for what I’m going through now and like what I’m

facing now like all the opportunities and all the good like I went through all

the bad and sometimes you learn through contrast you experience the bad you

experience the unwanted so that you’re aware of what you do want and you’re

capable of handling it because you’ve been through all the bad shit and

everything that I’ve tried in the past all the things that have failed I looked

at them like such big failures and I was so fucking heartbroken and discouraged

and I figured this would just be another one and it was the exact opposite but

now I can look back and see how all of my failures in the past were just

orchestrating something so much bigger like this is bigger than I ever fucking

tried to manifest or like believe or dream like this shit is bigger than all

the other things that I tried I didn’t even realize it like I genuinely didn’t

even fucking know at the time but nothing that I tried before failed or

went wrong it was a stepping stone and part of the orchestration to get me to

the experience I’m having now which I couldn’t have fucking asked for if you

told me it exists I didn’t know shit like this was fucking possible dude but

I just want to give you that if you’re going through shit right now you’re

meant to be going through it and nothing is going wrong what’s happening is meant

to be happening because it is happening and you know that and I swear to God

come back to this video whenever you’re fucking going through shit and you’re

just discouraged keep going keep recommitting it’s all happening for you

and I was so resistant to believing that before but now I fucking believe it

because I see how everything I tried before lined up and taught me the skills

and taught me how to handle things and like rise to the occasion because old me

couldn’t have handled none of this shit so many things have gone wrong with

dropping this clothing so much headache so much frustration so much shit that

old me wouldn’t have been able to handle because I wasn’t disciplined back then I

wasn’t able to handle the situation that I’m having now and I’m handling it and

I’m doing fine it is stressful sure but I’m capable and I’m willing and I’m able

to handle it because of what I’ve gone through if I never went through it I

would have gotten to this place and it would have fucking bombed just remember

me saying these words what’s happening is happening for you you are being lined

up for something bigger I swear to fucking God as someone who’s been

through the worst shit you can imagine and failed more times than you can

fucking think it’s happening for you I just wish I could look back on like me a

year ago me a month ago and be like dude it’s it’s okay like I know you’re going

through fucking hell but I promise this cut like what you want is coming what

you want is coming times ten like just hold on keep going just keep fucking

going like that fucking fish Dory is that her fucking name just keep swimming

yeah keep doing it keep swimming I don’t really know what this episode was

I wanted to share what the fuck I was going through and then say a big fat

ass thank you like a big fat wet thank you cuz you have no fucking idea what

y’all have just done for me I don’t even think I can fathom it yet my level of

gratitude right now is beyond my own comprehension my and my reality is

beyond my comprehension right now and I don’t know beach I’m just so like what

the fuck I’m just so overwhelmed with so much positive and it’s all because of

you guys and I would fucking suck all of you off if I could maybe not maybe just

like a handy or something but my final thought is I just want to tell every

single one of you everything is going to be okay I don’t care what you’re going

through I don’t care how fucking dark it gets do not stop it’s gonna be okay I

promise you’re gonna be fine it’s gonna work out just keep moving keep moving

keep moving keep moving if you get into a very dark spot if you stop you will

stay there if you keep going you will get through it from someone who’s been

in the darkest fucking places you can imagine keep your depressed tired

hopeless ass walking there will be things that make you hopeful and there

will be things that line up I promise just remember me saying do not stop do

not stop in a place of fucking darkness keep going and I’m gonna end the podcast

on that I seriously love you all so fucking much way did y’all just hear

fucking Siri talking to me my ghost don’t fuck with my shit I’ve told y’all

before you’re welcome to stay in my apartment you’re welcome to hang out

with me as long as you don’t move shit as long as you don’t fuck with shit as

long as you don’t break shit and as long as I don’t see you because y’all know

that scares me do not let me see you okay behave get whatever you want from

the fridge you can eat it’s fine I have a relationship with my ghosts in my

house I’m nice to them I like a little company but I have boundaries with them

I don’t want to fucking see them don’t let me see you as a ghost like I have

one fucking like what’s it called como se dice like agreement don’t let me

fucking see you I’m gonna get scared don’t move my shit don’t lose my shit

if you want to do a laundry move it I don’t care but like don’t move my shits

cuz I’ve had ghosts fucking do that in the past if you don’t believe in ghosts

sorry they’re fun but enough of me and my little paranormal shit okay whatever I

love you fucking guys to the end of time and there is no time so forever

thank you for all that you’ve given me and thank you for healing little Leo

because what seems little to you guys is bigger than you can imagine for me so

thank you I’m gonna go drink and go wallow in my happy feelings and go out

for my cousin’s birthday but please take care of yourself everybody be safe keep

fucking moving you got this shit everything’s happening for you and I

will talk to you guys next Sunday