I've Had It - You're Not a Pisces, You're a Schmuck

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One, two, three, one, two, three, remember, you have to do it, that’s next, okay, I have

a system, one, two, three, send her to fucking Hollywood, how about Las Vegas, I could have

my own show, a clapper show, I could clap and wear pasties, you could, hey, what, what’s

going on, pumps, what have you had it with this week, you know, I’ve just been so tickled

pink with my life this week, that’s off topic, what am I, as you can see from our television,

the name of our podcast is, I’ve had it, so allow me to cover, why don’t you do it, for

us yet again, okay, let me tell you what I’ve had it with, I’ve had it with yak mouths

sitting near you at a sporting event, 1 million percent agree, it’s ridiculous, so recently

Josh and I went to London to see Roger Federer play doubles with Rafa Nadal and Roger Federer’s

last professional tennis match of his iconic, legendary tennis career, so we’re sitting

there at the O2 arena in London, packed house, these yak mouth Americans are sitting behind

us from North Carolina, of course, they were American, and this guy has to narrate everything,

he has to talk nonstop, and he’s not like when Josh and I would talk, we would lean

and whisper, because I had awareness about the people around me and about their feelings

and that they had paid a lot of money and traveled a long way, but these fuckers sitting

behind me from North Carolina did not, the match ends and then all of a sudden it’s this

amazing ceremony where Roger starts bawling, Rafa is completely a basket case, he’s bawling,

Josh Welch is snot slinging, ugly cry bawling, and I can’t enjoy any of it hardly because

of these goddamn yak mouths sitting behind me.

Nothing worse than a yak mouth.

Just a nonstop horrible content narration, and I mean I’m just furious about it, and

I just, I don’t understand why people don’t take into account the feelings of those around


The only thing I will say is, is there any chance, because you know I’m a horribly loud

talker, and so when I think I’m not-

You think you’re an offender?

I’m sure I’m an offender, there’s no doubt about it.

You’re a part of the problem.

Yeah, but I wouldn’t do it in a deal like that, but I just wonder if they didn’t realize

how loud they were, because I don’t realize how loud I am.

I have like camera being pulled out of a film right now, thinking back to going to movies

with you and doing things with you, and I think you are a part of the problem.

I am.

I think though, it’s because I just don’t understand how loud I am.

I hate to one-up you on that story, but at Luke’s football game, if he doesn’t return

the kick and let, he fair catches, people will bitch about, why didn’t you, Luke, you

should have gotten that ball, da-da-da-da-da, and I’m like, his fucking mother is sitting

right here.

I think I’ve seen some of the ugliest behavior of humanity pertaining to children’s sports,

and then just the delusions that these parents have, a kid that’s, you know, nowhere near

has the physique of a D1 athlete, because you would know by looking 100%.

This brings me to something that I don’t know if this is, this is a topic I’m just going

to say that I’ve totally kind of had it with.

It can be fun, but when people take it too seriously, it’s incredibly annoying, and it

is just, number one, astrological signs, and number two, everybody on Instagram talking

about Mercury being in retrograde.

I don’t even know what that means.

A lot of people I follow on Instagram are like, oh my God, my life’s a mess this week.

I forgot to return an email.

I lost my keys.

I forgot to feed my dog.

So I Google it.

What does Mercury in retrograde mean?

Because I’d never fucking heard of it, right?

I’ve heard the term.

What do you think Mercury in retrograde is?

Just an excuse for bad behavior, it sounds like.

But what do you, what do you think Mercury is?

Okay, Mercury is a planet.

Do you know what Mercury is?

Nailed it.

And so it’s, I don’t know what retrograde means in terms of planets.

Basically, it’s an optical illusion.

So all the planets circle around the sun, and when Mercury is in retrograde, it appears

from the Earth’s vantage point that it stops moving, but it actually doesn’t.

It’s an optical illusion.

So basically fucking nothing happens.

Nothing is happening differently.


I’m a Leo.



And I just hit the Google.


And I’m going to go through positive traits and negative traits of Leos.

And then I’ll tell you if you have them.


I’m going to, yeah, we’re both going to say, and then we’re going to go through yours.



Positive traits of Leos.




I was going to say, I don’t know that I would say always.













You betcha.







Fuck yes.



















I don’t think you’re childish at all.

Look at what we’re doing right now.





For sure.





You want to be the boss.



I’ll take it.


Afraid so.








So actually, this is pretty good anecdotal evidence.

Pretty spot on.

I am spot on for a Leo.


That’s kind of weird.



Let’s go to yours.




Positive traits.
















Absolutely not.





I mean, I can be.


I don’t love it.










I don’t.

A hundred percent.

I need a definition on that.

What do you think it is?

I have no idea.

Like ruled by ego, maybe?


Shirley, you’ve, you’ve been to law school for the last time.

No, I know.

I’ve heard the word, but I’m not.

How did you pass the bar exam?

Oh, you didn’t the first time, did you?

No, I didn’t.

It was a two-timer.


We could add petty to yours, Jennifer.

And I will wear it with a badge of honor.

That’s right.





Negative traits.





You know what’s going to happen before I do.

Emotionally detached.

One hundred ten percent.

Fucking put it in the bank.

Start charging interest.

Nailed it.


That’s true.

Negative traits.

Emotionally detached.

Ding, ding, ding.












One thousand percent.



So, I mean, I’m spot on.

You’re spot on.

But I think I have heard that since I’m one day before the switch, like I’m on the cusp.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

I’ve just heard that saying.

You’re on the cusp.

That’s just the biggest bunch of bullshit.

I’ve just heard it.

I didn’t say I’m promoting it.

I’m just saying I’ve heard it.


Let’s look at this from a statistical standpoint.


I did used to read when they had newspapers.


So, you probably read Dear Abby, too, didn’t you?

I did.





Anyway, think about statistically how it would have to go down for everybody that’s ever

been born on February 18th from the beginning of our species until now to all have the same

character traits.

No, I know.

I’m not saying I wholeheartedly believe it, but I’m just saying it’s interesting.

I find it interesting.


So, it’s rumored that J-Lo has fired backup dancers strictly on their astrological signs.

Apparently, she doesn’t get along with Virgos, a star sign shared by her ex-husband, Mark


She asked all the dancers to raise their hands if they’re Virgos.

She looked at them and said, thanks so much for coming, and let them all go.

Some people have cited Virgos as being highly uncoachable.

I will say, if you’re J-Lo, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Some people do or don’t date or marry others based on their signs.

Some people turn down renter’s applications and quit their jobs because of horoscopes.

Also known as astrology discrimination, something that apparently, again, we keep hitting this

theme, you guys, no oversight.

And then we also have Zodiac shaming.

I don’t even know what that is, refresh, refresh me.

What part do you don’t know?

What Zodiac shaming?

Is that, is Zodiac horoscope, is that the same?

I don’t know what that is.

Should we, the Zodiac killer I know was a killer based on Zodiac signs, but is our Zodiac

and horoscope signs the same?



All right.


So Zodiac shaming, people are like, could shame you like, oh God, he’s just a Pisces.

What a fucking asshole.

All Pisces are assholes.

I think I’ve heard that before.

Like, well, we broke up because he’s a Gemini or whatever.

And then some people use their Zodiac or their astrological sign to justify naughty behavior.

Like people could blame their sex addiction on their sign.

People could blame cheating on their sign.

What are the signs for that?

I mean, the sex addiction sign.

I don’t know.

We’re going to have a guest soon, but we’re going to ask her.

Falling out with friends, emails getting lost, and people, again, people actually blame their

flights being delayed on Mercury in retrograde.

I think to say where the stars were when you were born could help you justify your behavior

or cause you to miss flights or you didn’t feed your dog.

I think maybe people need to come to grips with maybe they’re just kind of fucked up.


I tend to agree.

I also think that you just have to be accountable.

Like I fucked up, I didn’t feed my dog, has nothing to do with my sign, but I still think

you can have fun with it.

I do think you can.

I think it’s fun.

We have in the past when we’ve gone on girls trips, we’ve had our tarot cards read.

I fucking love it.

And it was totally fun.

Have I told you this before?

Before I got married, I was in New Orleans with my ex-husband and I got my tarot cards

read and so did he.

We both did, together, like one right after the other.

We’re standing there.

Are you serious?

And I got, I can’t remember the card, but it was like I got a black mark for love, like

run, basically was the card.

And we were together.

And guess what?

My life would have been so much easier.

And you ran right into him.

I should have run though.

If I would have just listened to that.

To the tarot card.

To the tarot card.

No, thank you.

Well, I think we need to dig deeper into this and we have a guest today and she has a podcast

called Invasion of Privacy and her name is Kate and she is a tarot card reader, a comedian.

I’ve been cooking, trying to be more of a housewife.

It’s hard, especially when you look up recipes online.

Have you guys tried to do this recently?

It’s everyone wanting to be a blog writer.

It’s not a fucking recipe, right?

It’s their feelings about the fucking meal.

I look up how to make apple crisp.

You click on it and it’s a woman being like, when I think of apple crisp, I think of the

orchard I was walking in 10 years ago with my lover, rubbing his back hair with my fingers

as the apple squished below us.

Now preheat your oven to 400 degrees.

You’re like, whoa, I was masturbating.

I thought, I forgot we were cooking.

This is going to be a ton of fun.

So let’s welcome Kate.

Hi Kate.

Hi Kate.


Oh, I love it.

How are you?

I’m good.

How are you?


So I’m Jennifer and this is Angie.


Her nickname is Pumps.

So if you hear me switch from Angie to Pumps, but we want to thank you for joining us today

and we have been talking a little bit before you came on about our signs.

I’m a Leo and Pumps is an Aquarius.

And we did a quick little Google search of positive Leo traits and negatively traits.

I pretty much had all of them.

She was like 98% and I’m the biggest naysayer about astrological signs.

You know, I do fully believe in astrology.

You believe in it.

You think that has a factor on who we are and why we are the way we are.

Yes, but I also think that we’re all so unique that it’s hard at the same time to try to

put us into categories with it, but I do think it’s usually accurate and there’s a science

to it.

So, and I’m very out there, you know, I like it.

So what’s an aerial or sign traits, fiery, stubborn.

And I am very fiery.

I may not seem it right now.

I’ve done a lot of work.

I love it to calm the fire, you know, I mean, I can just something can just set me off and

I am just like, Oh my God.

And you really just have to learning how to manage, you know, the emotions that run amok

inside of us is truly one of the longterm life things that you never quite nail.

And you’re in the right place because you’ve just hit your amongst friends on this deal.

I always have to tell myself like, nobody gives a shit, but you like, why are you holding

everybody hostage on something that really doesn’t fucking matter to anyone, but you

and it has nothing to do with anybody else, right.

You know, and that’s a hard one because especially when you’re a single parent, you think everything,

you know, you’re the authority, blah, blah, blah, blah, right, right.

And I think boundaries are huge and a lot of us are finally learning how to set positive


I have no boundaries, like it is a character defect.

No boundaries.

It’s so hard.

We’re not taught it in our society.

We’re learning because that self love is learning how to say no.

So you can replenish and feed yourself and not living out of obligation, right?

That’s really hard.

You know, we can, why don’t you share with her some of your lack of boundaries, things

that you have a hard time drawing a boundary with.

See if she has any insight.

I mean, the ones like, I totally will pee with the door open.

I don’t care who’s in there.

I’m not modest.

At my office where there’s men here as well.

She just goes and sits down and pees in a, in a, in a, in a, I’m an interior designer

and my interior design firm and Javier who works at front desk walks by.

He cannot see me on the bathroom.

I’ve never done it when he was like, I shut when he’s here.

No, I know.

But he wasn’t like around.

I did it with Nellie because sometimes I think you have to talk when you’re on the potty

if you’re in a hurry.


So go on.

Oh gosh.

Um, I have a horrible time.

Like I just avoid getting into a conversation with someone versus having to set the boundary

like, okay, I’ve heard enough.

Like I’d rather just avoid the whole thing than, than like my eyes start rolling back

in my head instead of just saying, okay, that’s fine.

Tell her about the, um, the group me you’re in for your 22 year old son.

Oh, this.

I just don’t even know if this is, do you have kids?


I have a 16 year old boy.


So I have a 20, 22 year old son and he’s at college and his fraternity, the moms all have

a group me like needing to know stuff.

Like what’s the update on where they’re living?

What do you have to buy for where they’re living?

Do they have freezers?

You know, all that shit.

So I’m on the group me and Jennifer is just like, cannot wrap her head around it because

he’s not a minor.

He’s 22 years old.

I don’t.

I think what I would do if I were in the group me, all the parents would see is Jennifer

has left this group.

I want to talk about the tarot cards that you do.

I love tarot cards.

It can say right here.

Oh my gosh.

Can you do it?

The reading.

Oh, me first.

Me first.



Do pumps first.

Do pumps.


So I’m going to do three cards to start.


And then if we want to go deeper, I can pull more.

So you got three really powerful major arcana cards.

They’re reversed, which means there’s some resistance of your power.

So we’ll get into it.


Tell me what resistance of my power means first.

I’ve got to put my glasses.

So, okay.

So this is the Empress.

Can you see it?

Oh my God.

I’m an Empress.

So the Empress is all about art and femininity.

And it’s saying sometimes we get so stuck in what we need to create and produce and

I’m not doing enough instead of remembering that you’re the art and boundaries actually

come into this because when you’re allowed to say no to the things that are pulling on

you in a way that doesn’t feel good, remember to feed yourself as the art.

As the masterpiece.

I love that.

The only time I feel like art is when I go get Botox or filler and I know I’m the art


But I mean, that’s growth for me though.

Growing into my femininity.

If I can.

Move over.

Move over, Mona Lisa.

Let’s get to your next card though.



Um, King of Cups reversed.

So for King of Cups with the masculine coming through, it’s very like CEO energy of you

don’t care what people think of you as much because you’re running your stuff.

So you don’t need to worry as much of, do they like me?

And it’s learning how to ride the emotions that we were talking about.

And then we have King of Swords reversed and you are a powerful truth speaker.

I think you’re meant to get to an even deeper place of what your truth is.

Maybe sharing more of your vulnerabilities, your limitations, but not being scared to

really speak your truth.

You ready for your tarot reading now?



So I, these are fun.

So the first one, the Hermit reversed the Hermit.

You’re kind of a Hermit.

And this Hermit card looks a little scarier than most Hermit cards, but this is saying

it is good to go within.

I don’t know if you have some introverted ways, but it’s saying, it’s saying this is

a good thing.

You often need space to reflect on what’s going on and just to reach your, your anchor,

your center.

Do you ever meditate?


I mean, you’re, the card is spot on in the sense that I, I’m extroverted, but when I’m

off or my desire is to be alone, right.

And specifically, I love my kids, but I have to have my time with my dogs, but they’re

my constant companions.

And I’ll get to the next card because it’s linked to it.

The star reversed.


This is about getting into your intuition and your deepest truth, that guidance of who

you truly are.

There’s this deep push.

And I believe you’re definitely being supported by the other side.

I don’t know how much you believe in that kind of stuff, but it’s, thank you for your


I just, I just, I don’t, I think an extraordinary claim requires extraordinary evidence.

I’m a very reality based person.

And I believe in the moments we have now carry the biggest amount of value for me,

the known that is the most spiritual for me, or these moments talking to you right now,

being with her moments with my dogs, with my children, that the known is the, the one

thing that’s tangible that I can embrace more spiritually than the unknown.

Well amen to that.

But I do believe that there is more evidence that’s coming out each month.

I mean, I was talking about enlightened aliens for years, people thinking I’m crazy talking

about it on stage and then the Pentagon finally released, yes.

You know?

So I think.

That’s some shit, isn’t it?

And that’s the shit I want to know.



I mean, that’s the shit.


Like that’s the shit we need to know.

Seems like the Pentagon and the Navy.

That’s pretty extraordinary.

Have some extraordinary evidence.

You talk about meditation, if I were to sit and invite feelings in, I would just be like,

Oh my God, this is so dumb.

I couldn’t do it.

I appreciate people that can do it and that, but I just, it’s not who I am.

I would be inauthentic to who I am.

I’m always.

I think listening to yourself is beautiful.

You know, what’s right for you and that’s the star card too, is you’re the only one

who knows your inner truth.



What’s next?


I get the sense that if there’s a party situation and there’s a creepy person in the room, you’re

going to spot it.

Oh, she will spot them out immediately.

She wouldn’t be at the party.

She wouldn’t be at the party because she’d be in hermit.

But if she was at the party, she would immediately find the nut jobs.

I do that, but I marry the nut jobs.

That’s what my…

I did too.


Okay, go on.

Well, love and romance is the quickest way to, it reflects our deepest wounds that are

often hidden.

It does.

So we find ourselves in situations that are reflecting parts of ourselves that we haven’t

seen or don’t understand yet.

So all right, last card.


Eight of pentacles.


This is about continuing the hard work.

It’s acknowledging how hard you work and it’s saying you are strong.

Keep going.

You’re building something pretty deep and I don’t think everyone maybe knows the depth

of your mission will say and what you want to bring in, but this is saying keep going.

Write this down.

You don’t know the depths of my mission.

You’re really creating something and you have this vision to shift things in a certain way.

And I just want to say, keep going.

Is there a professional ethical code for tarot cards?

Because you never hear someone say you’re going to die tomorrow.

Like if something really terrible is going to happen, do you not say it?

Do you not?

Do you just ignore it?

You know, one time I knew a woman was getting cheated on in the cards and it was her bachelorette

party and that was a tough one.

That was a real tough one.

Did you tell her?

Wait, wait, wait.

So many questions.

So you lay this gal’s cards out and you can surmise from the cards that he’s going to

cheat on her at his bachelor party.

She got the three of swords and it’s like three swords going through a heart.

And it means heartbreak that needs to be processed or may, might be around the corner.

We joke around that if there was an island and it had the, the, each of our baby daddies

on it with red flags and physical red flags all around it in sharks circling it, we would

strip down and swim as fast as we could to the red flags.


We would have popped out children immediately, immediately.

Right there.

Caution to the wind.

That, that was how fucking crazy.

And I’m not saying we’ve got it together right now, Kate, because, but it’s better, but that’s

how fucking crazy we were in our twenties.

So we’ve had evolved a little bit, a little bit, but yeah, no, it’s as bad as it gets

in the red flag department over here.

I’m just going to tell you for sure.

I think astrology is, is bullshit.

One thousand percent.

If astrology makes you happy and reading your horoscope makes you happy.

I think that’s great.

I do get irritated about people blaming and excusing bad behavior.

My thing is if it, if it works for you with the stuff, with the beings, and then for some

people it’s Christianity, for some people it’s Buddhism.

That’s great.

For me, it just, it doesn’t work.

And you never know.

Also what could happen.

I hope.

That’s exactly right.

In a week I could reach out and be like.

A bean could be tapping on my shoulder and I’m going to be like, Kate, here’s the deal.

Never say never.

When we open our podcast, we talk about what we’ve had it with this week.

And the one thing I’ve had it with is I went to watch a tennis match and these fuckers

from North Carolina are sitting behind me and they’re just yak mouse nonstop.

As you perform comedy, do you have yak mouse, you know, while you’re full blown in a comedy

routine and people are just talking?

Sometimes I’m pretty good at shutting down hecklers in that situation.

I have the mic.


I’ll call it out.

Oh, good for you.

Like, what do you say?

I’m pretty good at making them regret that.

It doesn’t usually happen with me.

Also with my psychic abilities on stage, if I try not to use them while I have a mic.

It could be a weird twist, but if I need to and someone’s messing with me, I can tune

right into the other side in that moment because I’m triggered and say their biggest wound

or embarrassment.

So I usually can shut that down.

If someone’s disrespecting me, I’m put in a place where I now can feel into your wound

for whatever reason.

And I will, I want to say the thing that will hurt the person the most.

So they’re disrespecting me and I have a mic, I’m supposed to be getting attention

and you’re going to disrespect me.

It brings out my rage and then I’m somehow able to tune in through my rage.

Because if someone’s being that disrespectful, they’re showing their colors.


You know, I feel like there are instances where people really show who they are.

And if they’re doing that and they’re with a girl that they’re trying to impress, oh,

you’re done.

I’m going to tell that girl to never let your penis in her vagina or the vagina of approval

on it.


You know, even if she does, she’s going to remember me saying like, he’s not the one


Move on.

I’ll pick a new guy in the audience.

So I usually, you know, in that kind of pressure cooker, um, can, can win those situations.

I love it.

Well, Kate, thank you so much for the tarot card reading.


Oh, you’re welcome.

And you know, if I ever get a tap, tap, tap or anything crazy, I’m going to call you aliens

in your backyard.

I need, I need to hear.

No, you will be my very first phone call.

Thank you so much.


You’re fascinating.

It’s such a precious person.


So fun meeting you both.



Thanks so much.




She was just so cute.

That was really fun.

I’ve noticed a theme that’s starting to take hold and take shape in these podcasts.

So it starts off with some grievance that we have.


I’ve noticed that we’ve had it with, we’re fucking assholes about it, that, you know,

the national holiday, and then fall in love with it, astrology.

Then we scout it out.

We want to get to the bottom of it.

And then we meet the people, we confront the grievance, and then we evolve.


Growth is happening on this podcast.

But I will say, and you can put it on my fucking tombstone, Mercury in retrograde is bullshit.


I’ll take that down.


Despite me almost scoring 100% on my Leo personality chart, I still think that’s bullshit.

However, her stuff with tarot cards and her positivity and kind of like channeling her

energy, I’m totally in on.

I think it’s super cool.

I do too.

She believes that she can help people.

I love it.

And I think it’s awesome.

I do too.

No, she was great.

We have.

We have like totally flipped.

Like on almost everything.

I know.

It’s kind of like, we’re not- As smart as we think we are?

Well, a hundred percent, that’s true.

Also like we’ve had it and then- We get it.

We get it.

One question.

What about the Burning Man episode?

Did you guys?



Put it on my tombstone.

I’m never going to ever, ever, ever, ever get.

It’s just not possible.

She boycotted Burning Man and she thinks mercury in retrograde is a flaming pile of horseshit.



When are we going to see people?


When are we going to see people?

I don’t know.

Oh my God.

You guys.

She’s just not quite steady.

What are we talking about?

I’m teeing you up.

When are we going to see people?

Like dead people?

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

My ears hurt.



I’m so sorry.

See you next Tuesday.

I’m not even going to say it.

I know you’re mad.

How despite.

I did not know what we were doing.


I teed it up.

I know, but I’m thinking about how bad my ears hurt.

It’s the slowest goddamn word in our past.

I know.

I’m just not.

I’m terrible.

Take off your fucking headphones then.

The podcast is over.


Take off your headphones.