Video

Transcript

Friends make life good. They provide the  scaffolding that makes it not just bearable  

but fun. They give us a sense of meaning  and purpose and are a source of security,  

self esteem and happiness. Almost nothing predicts  how happy you will be as how connected you feel  

and a lack of social connection is associated  with a number of diseases and a shorter life.

But maybe you have scrolled through your phone,  unsure who to call to go to a movie with,  

to celebrate with or ask for comfort. You  may realize that you don’t have enough  

friends and feel lonely. And it is not just you.  Disconnectedness and loneliness are widespread.

Many people want more close friends  but don’t know how to get them.

Surprisingly nowadays loneliness is highest among  young people – whose relationships were also hit  

especially hard by the global pandemic. Social  distancing stopped teens and young adults from  

mingling in classrooms, clubs or dorms. Millions  of friendships, maybe lifelong friendships,  

that might have blossomed will never exist. With  profound long term consequences for our collective  

happiness. The good news is that it is not too  late and there are lots of friends to be found.

We’ll mix scientific information  with actionable advice in this video,  

but we can’t address every individual situation.  People, cultures and schedules are different.  

If you suffer from chronic loneliness you  can also watch the video we made about it.

Ok.

As with all important things in life,  making friends is infuriatingly simple but  

not necessarily easy. But it works through  a few pretty straight forward mechanisms.

The Most Important Thing about Making Friends

People make friends with other people  when they spend casual time together.  

This is how our ancestors formed their  relationships, because humans lived in  

small, close knit communities in which  options for making friends were limited,  

so we just formed good relationships  with the people who were around us.

This is why it is so easy to form new friendships  in school and university. Society locks you and  

your peers in a building for several years. You  share similar activities but more importantly:  

Similar schedules. Overlapping  and fluctuating social circles  

form naturally giving you regular facetime and  shared experiences with many different people.  

Time to find others with similar  worldviews or senses of humor.

Proximity can be more important than similar  interests. One study found that in student  

dormitories, the distance between rooms was the  strongest friendship predictor – living closer  

together meant a higher chance of becoming  friends. Another study showed that being  

physically present in a class a lot, without  saying a word, makes others more sympathetic  

to you. So the most important principle of making  friends is to regularly spend time with people in  

the real world. This alone can make it happen  automatically and trumps all other advice.

But don’t forget that making friends  is not a numbers game or a competition,  

don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone  has a social calibrator that can change as  

you go through life. Maybe you were  more introverted as a teen but yearn  

for connection in your twenties. Maybe you  were part of sprawling social circles but  

prefer fewer friends in your thirties. There  is no right or wrong, only right for you.

Why we don’t have enough friends

The main reason for a lack of friendships is  

the trite fact that most people do not  prioritize friendships nearly enough.

They don’t realize until it is too late, that  retaining friendships demands regular energy  

and attention. Although they are so important for  happiness, friends often take a backseat to other  

life decisions. Work, commuting, romance or kids  take up so much time and energy that it is so much  

easier to crash on your couch and lose yourself  in mindless activities. Especially as an adult,  

going for a bike ride, getting dinner or visiting  a hobby store takes much more mental effort and  

commitment than it did after school, when time  ran slower and energy and curiosity were abundant.

But it is not just adults who  are too busy for friends. The  

average American teenager spends  more time on Tik Tok every day,  

than socializing at parties, events  or on the phone with friends combined.

Established friendships don’t require the  same time investment as early friendships  

to keep up – but they do require some  commitment. As life distracts you,  

it’s easy to skip out on checking in when a  friend goes through exciting or depressing times.  

And so many friendships fade for  lack of attention, often by accident.

Which is extra tragic because there is never only  

one person losing a friend.  It’s always at least two.

Another thing that makes many people vulnerable  is the way friendship networks are structured.  

The friendship paradox is the phenomenon that  on average, most people have fewer friends than  

their friends. Which makes sense, since you  are more likely to be friends with someone who  

has many friends, than with someone who has few. Rather than being densely interconnected, friend  

networks are often built around central hubs.  So if central people disappear from your life,  

this can deprive you of many connections at once.  And it can lead to a distorted self perception:  

that you are less popular than others,  although you are perfectly average.

It can get worse quickly with big life  events. Maybe you moved for school,  

work or love and are left without  social networks. Or you had a  

break up that left you with the smaller  part of the formerly shared social pie.

The reasons why you find yourself with less  connection than you want are as diverse as people,  

but the underlying cause is almost always: Time.

There is no shortcut. To make new friends  and retain friendships you have to prioritize  

relationships, spend time with people  in real life and make them feel that  

you care. So take a look at yourself and  rebalance what you spend your life doing.

How to make new Friends

Studies have shown that new friendships can  develop quite quickly, weeks after you meet  

someone. But it takes a few months for a casual  friendship to become a close relationship – with  

the biggest impediment being time invested  and the quality of your interactions.

To make friends it helps if you  intentionally look for people  

you have things in common with and  who are open to new relationships.  

You want to make it easy for yourself, so examine  what kind of person you are. Generally speaking,  

extroverts tend to crave sensory stimulation,  spicier foods, loud music, or the excitement of  

engaging a crowd. Introverts, often confused with  shy people, tend to be more sensitive to sensory  

stimulants and prefer quieter surroundings,  fewer people and even less spicy food.

Different places attract different people.  Not everybody can easily make friends at a  

bar or a football game, not everybody  finds a stroll through a park or book  

store stimulating. Men especially form  friendships around shared activities  

but in general it is a good idea to  go to places that feel comfortable,  

where there are people you might like,  who do things you find interesting.

Look for local clubs or opportunities to  volunteer. Check out what hobby stores are  

around and dust off your Space Marines, or  see if there are new DnD groups in your city  

and ask if you could join one. Check meet  up apps for gaming nights or wine tasting,  

join a sports club or look for people  who go hiking or want to cook together.

Another obvious avenue is your professional life.  

It helps if you work in a job that attracts  people you like, so you might consider this  

when you choose a career. Deepening your  relationship with colleagues can lead to  

great friendships, especially if you look  for peers and there is no power imbalance.

And of course there are friends you’ve lost  touch with. You may be able to revive some  

of these relationships. In some cases all it  needs is a call or an invitation. Research shows  

that more often than not, the other person  will appreciate that you’ve reached out!

There are likely way more opportunities to spend  time with others than you are aware of. And if  

there aren’t, you can take the initiative and  create them. Invitations are signals to start  

friendships. So bring people together by having  a dinner party, organizing a football game after  

work or starting a board game group. Everybody  appreciates people who organize fun things and  

the simple act of reaching out can kickstart a  self propelling upward spiral of well being, fun  

and connectedness that can seriously improve the  life of everyone around you in meaningful ways.

If you meet someone you vibe with it is pretty  scary to make the first move but they may feel  

the same way. Equally interested in a friendship  but also blocked by fear of rejection. So it is  

worth going for it. Worst case, they are  not interested which will sting for a few  

hours – but the best case could be a lifelong  friendship. A risk well worth the reward.

Once you have formed early connections check  in when they have important things happening  

in their life. Of course it is important not to  be overbearing but the more time you invest, the  

more opportunity you have to engage in meaningful  banter or silly jokes. The fact that friendships  

take time also means that you need to be patient  and kind with yourself, especially if you are out  

of practice. Things will not improve overnight  but slowly, step by step, if you keep it up.

Open Up: Care and Share

Many people don’t have an  issue being around others  

but struggle to turn acquaintances into friends.

So let us talk about two important principles  that make it more likely that you’ll connect:  

Caring and sharing. In general, our favorite  topic is ourselves and the things we care about,  

because we are literally at the center  of our own universe. So People tend to  

like people who are genuinely interested  in them. So if you want to make friends,  

your goal should be trying to  learn what makes them tick.

Just as important as caring about others  is reciprocity and openness. To connect  

you need to share the experiences that made  you, you. Now you don’t want to overwhelm  

the other person and immediately spill out  your deepest secrets. But open up a little  

and reveal personal things – because this  also signals to others that it is ok to do  

the same. The best case is that you  find shared experiences – maybe you  

both had a hard time in school, maybe  you share a passion for weird movies.

Learning about others and sharing personal  stories in a balanced way and not overdoing it,  

is not an exact science. Noticing the  line between opening up and oversharing  

requires practice and depends  on the vibe of the conversation.

One of the perplexities of  life is that to get something,  

it can be helpful to convince yourself  that you want it less than you do.

In general it is good to be laid back,  

have fun and enjoy yourself. Do things  for yourself without expectations,  

but also be open to social opportunities  and accept invitations if they show up.

And that’s basically it.

Give friendships more priority in your life.  Check in with friends and regularly go to  

things to have fun. Show genuine interest  in others and give them the opportunity to  

know you without selling yourself too  hard. If you do this you are on track.

If this sounds a bit scary, the good news  is that human brains are hardwired to seek  

connection. It is perfectly normal to seek out  new friends and there are many people who would  

welcome more close relationships. There are  friendships up for grabs everywhere and there  

are plenty of people who will be so happy  to have YOU in their life. As a good friend.

Go get to know them!

so we’ve created a few things you  can share with new and old friends!  

Two wormhole pins to connect you and your BFF  no matter where you are. If you want to share  

something with your entire friend group – get a  little bird pin for each of them. They are all  

unique but fit together like pieces of a puzzle.  Or get matching posters to let your friends know  

you’re thinking of them. Or just browse all the  sciency things we made for you! If you like videos  

like this, getting something from our shop is the  best way to support us! Thank you for watching.